Work 2
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Next time you have a bad day at work... think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e- mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, which was sponsoring a 'worst job experience' contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my experience with you to make you realise it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonising in-water decompression stops
totalling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butt hole was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
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As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the 'pedagogical approach' used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (paedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
148-
At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Only one man sat motionless among the ensuing forest of raised hands.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to taxi as far as the runway let alone take off.
149-
Two unemployed guys are talking.
One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I'll pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can damn well bet on that!"
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Buzzwords for Managers
COLUMN I
COLUMN II COLUMN III
------------------- --------------------- --------------------
0. integrated 0. management 0. options
1. heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, and then select the corresponding buzzword from each column.
For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with a sincere ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT!
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How to look after your computer:-
Cleaning the inside of your computer with a powerful vacuum cleaner is recommended.
The capacitors, fuses and other knobbly bits that get sucked off the mother board are probably not that important anyway.
Those connectors with an asymmetrical corner or sticky out bit to show which way round they go should be ignored too. Don't take any nonsense from your machinery - you are the boss ... if you want to put it in that way you put it in that way. Just use a hammer if it doesn't seem to fit properly.
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A man notices two construction workers kicking each other in the nuts,
"Doesn't that hurt" asks the man,
"No" reply the workers "we're wearing steel tipped boots.
153-
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in an
Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and
says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." Says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business."
"... Now give me back my dog."
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Problems techies face everyday
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff-I Just want a database!"
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
Customer: "I don't have a space bar.
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop- up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word set-up disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No ..."
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$?
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?"
Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server?"
Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
Customer: "Which one is that?"
Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
Customer: "Ok, thanks."
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok...but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID field?"
Customer: "Like I said, 'Case Sensitive'."
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
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This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
156-
Staff Notice
With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated.
The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month.
In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo
counselling by a clinical psychologist.
Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser.
MANAGEMENT
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Only in America
At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator) "Best Place in Town to take a Leak"
Sign over a gynecologist's office "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband tried to fix."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a car exhaust fitting shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
158-
Company Announcement:
For the attention of all staff.
As a result of the constant pressure to control costs the company is forced to reduce the number of employees. Under the proposed plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of our younger staff, who represent the company's future.
A programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the next financial year will commence shortly. This programme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who have been placed on the potential RAPE list can request a review of their employment records before the actual RAPE is implemented. This phase of the new policy is called SCREW (Survey Capabilities of Retiring Early Workers).
An employee who has been scheduled for RAPE, whether or not they have requested a SCREW, may also request a review of their case by senior management. This is called a SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority For Termination). Under the terms of the new policy an employee can be SCREWed twice (with or without request), SHAFTed as many times as the company deems necessary, but may only be RAPEd once.
If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to receive HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). Following their RAPE, unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents or Spouse), since HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who receives HERPES or CLAP following their RAPE will no longer be eligible to be SCREWed or SHAFTed.
Management wishes to assure those younger employees who are not eligible to be RAPEd, SCREWed or SHAFTed, that the company has not forgotten them. To ensure the motivation and morale of our younger staff, the company is about to launch a new training programme called SHIT (Special High Intensity Training). The company takes great pride in the amount of SHIT our younger employees will receive. We are committed to giving more SHIT to our staff than any other company in the business. If an employee feels that they are not receiving their fair allocation of SHIT, they should contact their supervisor immediately. All of our supervisors have been trained to make sure every employee receives all the SHIT they can handle.
159-
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Buddy! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
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FROM THE HELP DESK
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Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ....
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Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
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Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
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Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
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A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?>
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it
161-
Some marketing and financial terms you might need to know …
CEO ... Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO ... Corporate Fraud Officer
MBA ... Master of Bogus Accounting
BULL MARKET ... A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET ... An extended period when kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING ... The art of buying low, and selling lower.
P/E RATIO ... The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market goes lower.
BROKER ... What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR ... My life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST ... Idiot who just downgraded my stock.
STOCK SPLIT ... When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets between them.
FINANCIAL PLANNER ... A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION ... The day after I buy stocks.
CASH FLOW ... The movement my money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO ... What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker.
WINDOWS 2000 ... What you jump out of when you are the poor sucker above.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR ... Last year's investor who is now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT ... an archaic word, no longer in use.
401K ... now known as only a 201K.
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Out of Office Replies ...
1. I am now on vacation. I'm sorry but I was unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails I was sent before I left the office. I will return from vacation on 18/4. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
2. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message. A request for a reply on my return carries an additional flat rate charge of £50.
3. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please shut down your computer. Wait 20 minutes. Restart your computer and try sending your message again.
4. Thank you for your message, which has been added to my queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
5. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for personal reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.'
163-
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
164-
IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s)named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.
165-
Office Pranks
When two (ore more) people are working a desks that are put next to each other, switch their telephone cords. With all those cables lying around it will take some time before they find that one out!
Put a piece of onion or a clove of garlic inside the mouthpiece of a phone. Give it some time for it to fester and build up a strong
odour. Then call them and keep them on the phone for as long as possible.
It is always a good habit to lock your computer before heading off for coffee or a smoke. When someone forgets and leaves a Word document or an email open, type a single word somewhere in the text. “fuck” or so will do nicely. They’ll never notice and send it out.
Get a hold of someone's cell phone and change the greeting banner to say "NO SERVICE". Many cell phones have greeting banners on them that you can personalize to say whatever you want them to and it stays on there when you're not using your phone. Also, when there is no service where you are, most cell phone companies have a banner that pops up on your screen saying "no service".
Take a can of non gel shaving cream, and put it in a freezer. When it is frozen remove the bottom of the can and put it in co worker's drawer. When it melts it expands and explodes all over everything.
Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into a frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "you suck!". They will usually
panic and start scanning for viruses.
Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc., before they realize what has happened.
Do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. (You'll have to hide the Windows status bar, and move all their desktop icons into a folder, which you can hide conspicuously in the corner or something.) The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it... sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit!
This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick in a floppy in their floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.
Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Preferably a reggae or rap CD. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will autoplay when windows first starts up. The person starting up there PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.
This is for that special person you just cant stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal e-mail all day. Go into their e-mail and change their defaults to
automatically "blind carbon copy" their boss or supervisor. Heads will roll!
Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decaf. Wait about three weeks
(or until you think everybody has gotten over their caffeine addiction) and switch to
espresso!
Try "password securing" someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to "scrolling
marquee" and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats SHlT" or something to that effect.
With someone who is on the phone a lot during work - This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the
mouthpiece inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the
earpiece. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.
Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection "fish head stew" etc... before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.
My absolutely most favourite prank I have saved for last. It is so simple to do and yields such nice results. Simply pop out the 'm' and 'n' key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.
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Deer Sir,
I wanna apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I theenk I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole seam to respond to me well, ax anyone.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job no problem. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you theenk that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pitcher of me taken at mi last jobb.
.... It's OK honey, we've got spell check.....when can you start?????
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45 Fun Ways To Take A Final That Does Not Matter
1 Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "Oh geez, better get cracking!" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2 Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got secret documents!!"
3 If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4 Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5 Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a joke the instructor and the class are!
6 Bring cheerleaders.
7 Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8 Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at maximum level.
9 On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10 Bring pets.
11 Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breath a sigh relief. 12 Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave to country" and run off.
13 Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers in very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas!" If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
14 Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15 Come down with a BAD case of Turret's Syndrome during the exam. Be vulgar as possible.
16 Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17 Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18 As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19 Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20 Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21 Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out start commenting on how easy it was.
22 Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. I it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BAB etc..).
23 Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24 Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "I can't take it anymore!" and walk out triumphantly.
25 Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
26 Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27 Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28 Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29 Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the Phantom of the Opera!" until they drag you away.
30 Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31 Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "You don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days Of Our Lives is on!!!"
32 Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33 From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34 Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35 If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36 Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37 Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38 Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious!) like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too! Staple them to the exam, with the comment, "Please use the attached notes for references as you see appropriate.
39 When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40 After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41 One word: Wrestlemania.
42 Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like the do before concerts start.
43 Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44 Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45 Sit around until the exam proctor tells you to stop writing. Keep writing as every exam is collected and wait till they're all in a big pile. Then walk up and say you've finished. (Assuming you've missed all your classes too) you can then say "Do you know who I am?" very loudly if hassled about handing in the exam late. The instructor will say no, and you can shove the exam randomly anywhere in the pile.
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Morris goes to an agency in Manhattan and asks if they have any jobs. "Sure," replies the interviewer, "I've got an ace job - working in a strip club, what you would have to do is help the girls undress and dress, oil them and all that sort of stuff."
"Sounds good" says Morris.
"Great, can you get to Brooklyn by 9.00 am tomorrow?"
"Why, is that where the job is?"
"No, that's where the line starts..."
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The Day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to : Single__, Married__, Divorced___ I marked single.
Glancing the man next to me who was also filling out the form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks. Instead he'd written, "Yes, in that order."
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Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
1. Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the fucking box all day!
2. Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
3. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
4. That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
5. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
6. My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
7. Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
8. Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.
9. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
10. Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
11. When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
12. Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.
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When the well-moulded secretary entered her boss' office one morning, he looked out the window and announced idly, "It's certainly going to be a beautiful day."
"I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The weather forecast is for snow."
"It's not going to snow," contradicted the exec. "I'll lay you twelve to one."
"I'd rather not," she remarked. "That's my lunch hour."
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New words to try at work
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.
(This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato..
SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e. g. you've hit 'reply all')
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Yes I'm Tired,
For several years I've been blaming it on middle age, Poor blood, Lack of Vitamins, air pollution, lack of exercise, dieting, under arm odour, constipation and another dozen maladies that makes you wonder if life is really worth living.
But I have found out it isn't really that at all.
I'm Tired because I'm over worked.
The population of this country is 17 million, 5 million are retired, that leaves 12 million to do the work. There are 7 million in school or too young to go to school, that leaves 5 million to do the work. Of this total 1 million are unemployed and 2 million are employed by the
government, which leaves 2 million to do the work. From that total 1 million are employed by local
government bodies and city councils, which leaves 1 million to do the work. There are 620,000 people in hospitals around the country and 379,998 in prisons, That leaves 2 people to do the work, YOU AND ME. And you are sitting on your arse reading this.
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After being laid off from five different jobs in four months my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.
"About $4,500." said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
175-
A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter PENIS.
Without blinking or saying a word she entered the password.
She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:
** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ****
176-
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An 'ID ten T error'? What's that? Ya know, in case I need to fix it again
The computer guy grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T Error' before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0T
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The Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments LIST
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Doesn't suffer fools gladly: Rude and abrasive.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids
confrontations: Ignores everyone.
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Ideas don't last long in some heads because they can't stand solitary confinement.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.
Keen sense of humour: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy
and National Enquirer.
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress:
Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes pride in work: Conceited.
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project
that lasts less than a week.
Well organized: Does too much busywork.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
Zealous attitude: Opinionated.
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ACADEMIC BULLSHIT PHRASES COMPLETED , , , , ,
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice.
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A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
He asks: "What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"
She responds: "I can't see my ass coming into work today."
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Boss: (to employee) - Experts say
humour on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, so Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore, Asshole
181-
One thing about Air Force pilots is that they lie a lot. You simply can't trust them at all. We had an argument one night at the Belvedere Inn, across from the main gate at NAS Pax River, a bunch of our F-14 Tomcat Pilots at Strike were arguing with some F-15 Eagle drivers from Langley about who was better at what and which airplane was better. Well, we decided to settle it the next morning in the restricted area over the Chesapeake Bay. This is where we found out about how much Air Force pilots lie!!! We all agreed to meet nose on at 35 thousand and settle it once and for all. Don't you know those lying, sneaky bastards showed up at 40 thousand. God, what a bunch of lying, low lifes those Air Force types were, showing up with a 5 thousand foot altitude advantage. Hell.... if we hadn't been at 45 thousand, those lying Air Force dirtbags would have had us for breakfast!
182-
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a
gynaecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.
A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the
gynaecologist again.
The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynaecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"
He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynaecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that
gynaecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"
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One evening at happy hour at the Ft. Riley officer’s club, a buddy of mine who was an Army pilot told me a hilarious story. He said they’d been sent to Kansas City International Airport to pick up some people.
When they got near, they radioed the tower for instruction:
"Army 753, flight of three, requesting landing instructions for the private terminal"
The tower radioed back that they were number three to land following two commercial flights. A moment later the tower radioed again, voice rising in near panic:
"Army 753, we show you with ZERO groundspeed! Are you declaring an emergency?"
He calmly replied, "No, we’re hovering over the outer marker waiting for clearance - We’re a helicopter; we can do that you know."
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Things to say to the boss
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which priority is which. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance
ratPaul goes to see his boss one day and says, "My wife Natalie says I should see you. She says I should go up to you and ask for an increase in my salary. She says I’m entitled."
Paul’s boss replies, "Come back tomorrow. I’ll ask my wife if I should give it to you. "
ing with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway!
185-
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump shit from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
186-
More from the tower ...
Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing (bolter): "You've got to land here, son. This is where the food is."
LH741: "Tower, give me a rough timecheck!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
Pilot: "... Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."
Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!
A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right."
Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don't see the bear yet."
Air Traffic Control: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2o'clock, 500 ft below you.
Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us...
Air Traffic Control: Look again there's probably a plane behind that light.
A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...
Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."
Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."
187-
HAVE YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO JOIN THE POST OFFICE?
Welcome to this year's Postal Workers Entrance Exam. I see that all of you have been able to find yourselves a seat and a desk, so obviously you're well on your way to becoming postal workers. Should you pass this exam and become a member of the Post Office, you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits, including:
* An early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for work
* Flexitime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work and when you don't what to work away from work
* Free use of government stationery and the Pitney-Bowes meter machine for all your postage needs.
I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or copying from a
neighbour's paper will be automatically assigned to the Letters to Santa Claus Division.
OK, now we're ready to begin:
MATHEMATICS:
Please answer the following questions in the spaces provided on your Answer Sheet.
1. If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2.30pm, how long have you had for lunch? --
~ The answer, of course, is half an hour.
2. If one postal employee takes 3 hours to process a 321/L3/MX1 form how long would it take two postal employees to process the same form? --
~ The answer is, of course, four hours.
MULTIPLE CHOICE:
1. If you are about to take your lunch break and a female member of the general public comes with an inquiry, you should address her by saying:
a. May I help you, Madam? b. May I help you, Miss? c. What can I do you for, baby? d. How's tricks, doll-face?
~ The correct answer is: None of the above. This is a trick question. If you are about to take your lunch break, you shouldn't talk to her at all.
2. If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you realize that the file on this matter has been lost, you should say:
a. We are aggressively looking into the matter. b. Can I get back to you on this one? c. The matters have been referred to another committee d. I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.
~ Again, this is a trick question. The correct answer is that you should tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension.
SPELLING:
Spell the following words:
a. Coffee b. Flu c. Lunch break d. Vacation
This is the end of the examination. Pass your examination booklets to the front, and welcome to the Post Office!
188-
The Ultimate Project Management Team - Project "Birth":
1. Project Manager - is a Person who thinks 9 women can deliver a baby in 1 month...
2. Developer - is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby...
3. On site Coordinator - is one who thinks a single woman can deliver 9 babies in one month...
4. Client - is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby...
5. Marketing Manager - is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available...
6. Resource Optimisation Team - thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child from scratch...
7. Documentation Team - thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months...
8. Quality Auditor - is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS...
189-
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Dan! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly
behaviour was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
190-
Things You May Hear Just Before Getting Fired
* I don't know what we'll do without you, but as from tomorrow we are certainly going to try!
* We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is, I'm sick of you.
* Its not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters than any one else in the place.
* Today I'm going to mix business with pleasure. You're fired!
* I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work 'ever again'.
* Tell me - how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow?
191-
When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."
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Job Security Quiz
The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing computer games at your desk, you... a. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid. b. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources. c. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.
There's a cushy job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do? a. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you. b. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him. c. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughing stock."
When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do? a. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns. b. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills. c. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do? a. Listen politely, and then apologize. b. Blame someone else. c. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."
When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you... a. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the wind-shield wiper. b. Key it, then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously. c. Key it, then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.
Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do? a. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too. b. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you. c. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.
Your boss' gorgeous daughter comes on to you. How do you react? a. Tell her that you feel it would be unethical for you to date the boss' daughter, but that you would be
honoured to pay for her to go to the movie by herself. b. Slip her a mickey, then marry her before she sobers up. c. Tell her you would love to go out with her, because you like cheap women, but you prefer them to be at least slightly attractive.
The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you... a. Clean the office while he supervises. b. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to. c. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.
SCORING Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat. Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk. Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.
193-
"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
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Military Truisms
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U. S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Shit!"
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
"Progress in airline flying:............................ now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; .................we never left one up there!"
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
195-
"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."
Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"
"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."
196-
Did you ever get rejected for a credit card? I did years ago. I had just started my new job start out of college. I felt responsible enough to handle my own credit card so I applied for an American Express card. Weeks later I received a letter stating that my job was not good enough to be accepted for the card.
Funny enough, I was employed at American Express.
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Today's Stock Market Report
- Helium is up, feathers are down. Paper was stationary.
- Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
- Knives were up sharply.
- Cows steered into a bull market.
- Pencils lost a few points.
- Hiking equipment was trailing.
- Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
- Weights were up in heavy trading.
- Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
- Diapers remained unchanged.
- Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
- The market for raisins dried up.
- Coca Cola fizzled.
- Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
- Sun peaked at midday.
- Balloon prices were inflated.
- Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
- Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
- Kite sales hit an all-time high.
- Fish sales were floundering.
- Yoyos continue their cycling up and down.
- Playground equipment went on a slide.
- Ice machines were frozen solid.
- Paper shredders were tearing up the market.
- Fencing was having a field day.
- Hunting equipment is being scoped out.
- Gravel futures are bumping along.
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
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Take off Styles
Naval Aviator:
On an aircraft carrier, the Naval Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer ("Shooter") who gives the run up engines signal by rotating his finger above his head.. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, verifies all flight controls are operational, checks all gauges, and gives the Cat officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy / Marine tradition of asking permission to leave the ship. The Cat officer drops to one knee while swooping his arm forward and pointing down deck, granting that permission. The pilot is immediately catapulted and becomes airborne.
Air Force Pilot :
We've all seen Air Force pilots at the air force base look up just before taxiing for takeoff and the ground crew waits until the pilot's thumb is sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm that the pilot does not have his thumb up his ass.
Army Aviator:
If you've ever seen an Army helicopter pilot preparing for takeoff, you will note that the pilot gives the ground guy a thumbs up before he is given hover and takeoff signals. There are two theories about the origin of this gesture. One is that it is to show that the pilot has identified which of his fingers is the thumb so that he will be able to properly operate his controls. The most compelling theory says that this is to show the ground crewman that the pilot indeed knows which direction is up.
200-
My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary.
He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?"
I told him, "Nope! I do this for free."
201-
Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP
(Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Upper Management
202-
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
203-
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has
levelled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight-lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both judges."
After some thought, the fellow in the centre seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief, United States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.
204-
Boss to secretary
“Come in Miss Jones, sit on my knee and let’s talk about the first thing that pops up.
205-
Below are a few resignation letters written by staff to their managers
An offer of 1 million pounds plus free sex with a page three girl could not convince me to stay with your company. A position of junior goat herder in Mongolia would be a more positive career step, than staying here. What a shame. Our group has worked well but, as yet, has been criminally overlooked.
Finally: If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
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Dear Unpersonable Bitch
As per the piece of crap I signed on my first day of this dreaded job, hereby give 2 minutes notice of my intention to leave this awful company I want to thank you for all you have not done for me in my employment here. It has been sheer torture working for you and representing this crappy company.
It is now time for me to move on and I have accepted a position as a garbage person. This decision was quite easy and took little consideration. However, I am confident that this new role represents a step up from this piece of crap job. I wish the company would go to pieces and hope one day you too will realize that you couldn't manage your way out of a paper bag.
Glad to be gone,
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Dear Editor,
I would like to confirm my status as the latest rodent to vacate your increasingly leaky vessel.
Yours,
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Dear John:
Please take note of the fact that I am hereby tendering my resignation from, effective, September 1, 2000. While I have a high degree of personal respect for you and the opportunities you have offered me, I am no longer comfortable working for a technology organization largely populated by politocrats, vengeful rivalries, and fiefdoms reminiscent of imperial Chinese literature. In fact, I dare say that I would rather be tied in a leather bag with ravenous, rabid ocelots than remain at this company any longer than the next two weeks.
It was my sincere hope that the reptilian extraterrestrial tyrants who clandestinely own and operate the Technology Group would reveal themselves during my tenure here, but it appears they are far cannier then I ever gave them credit for. Hopefully, their insidious plot to befoul the American financial industry with foolish and ill-advised technology policies will eventually be revealed, but until then it seems their plans may march on uncontested. I give you due credit, for choosing to remain here to fight this hideous alien menace from within.
God's speed, and may the Force be with you.
206-
Budget cuts to the Defence force forced the training team to start doing mock combat using no explosives, guns, or basically any equipment what-so-ever, so when it came to a training scenario, the Sergeant in charge tells his recruits that they are under imaginary fire, and what do they do? So all of the recruits bar one scatter and get down behind "stuff", and get into returning fire positions.
The Sergeant notices this one recruit standing out in the open, quite relaxed and unfazed. Yelling, the Sergeant asks "What the devil do you think you're doing? You're under fire!" So the recruit takes one step to the left and remains still.
Now the Sergeant's really annoyed. He yells again, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? You're under imaginary fire, take cover!" The recruit turns to him and replies, "I'm taking cover behind this imaginary tree Sergeant!"
207-
Dear Mr. X:
It's been nearly six months that I have spent at this company, trying to understand how to work in the real world and learn a few skills from you. So let's see the top five things that I have learned:
1. If you suck up to the boss, he turns a blind eye to the fact that you have a drinking problem and show up late and disorganized.
2. If you take the big boss' car to the car wash, you can take long lunch hours without penalty.
3. If you don't plan your presentation to the strategy meeting in time, just use last year's stuff and change the dates.
4. If you are getting fat and bald, harass the women in the office with stupid sexual comments.
5. When you go on a business trip, keep losing the receipts for those expensive meals that you swear you spent money on and that you want reimbursed, even though no one around here has the brains to ask to see your credit card statement.
Now you might say that these are important lessons for me to learn. I say that I would rather have my nuts eaten by rabid squirrels than stay here any longer and learn any more of your great skills.
Yours truly,
208-
A man walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a First Class Petty Officer from the local Navy base walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a maintenance monkey, please."
The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey.. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the PO1, saying, "That'll be $5,000." The PO1 paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the man went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a maintenance monkey. He can run diagnostics on all radar/weapons systems, score
95 on the ASVAB test, operate all forms of test equipment, perform the duties of any Maintenance Man qualified person with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money.
The man spotted a monkey in another cage "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one is a Work centre Supervisor monkey! It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance on the unit, intermediate, and depot level, knows all OPNAV instructions, utilizes ORM, and even conducts Divisional Training. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The man looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000." The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world does it do?"
"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his pecker, but his papers say he's a Navy Chief!"
209-
Once upon a time there was a dumb private in a far away place called "Grafenwehor, Germany". He was a dumb SOB, so dumb that nobody really liked him. Not his fellow soldiers, Team Leader, Squad Leader, Platoon Sergeant nor Company 1SG. He was a real smart ass who thought he know it all.
Then one cold winter day, his company went on a tactical 12 mile road march across the lovely, muddy country side of Germany. About halfway through the road march, approximately 6 miles out, the weather started to change rapidly. The temperature dropped sharply, the rain changed to show and the road started to get very slippery and muddy.
With the weather getting worse minute by minute, the dumb private started to fall further and further back behind the company formation. As a excuse, he told his Team Leader he needed to take an urgent shit. So he dropped out of the formation and ran to the nearest woods until the company was out of sight.
Knowing the unit was now gone, he figured he could take his sweet ass time walking back to base without being hassled, pushed or yelled at to keep up with the company. While walking the same road as his unit was on, he came upon a large cow pasture that looked like it would be a short cut back to base. He decided to take a chance by cutting across the field, hoping that it would get him home sooner.
As he started to walk across the field, he soon realized that the snow was beginning to get deeper and deeper and much more difficult to walk in. Before long, he started to get very tired and exhausted and know then that he made a serious mistake trying to cross the field. He decided to turn around and try to get back to the road.
Due to the heavy snow fall and wind, his tracks were quickly covered over and he soon lost his way back to the road. Feeling extremely weak, he collapsed to the ground. The dumb private thought for sure he was a goner and that no one would ever find him in the snow storm.
Suddenly, out of nowhere came a large herd of cows walking across the field. The dumb private said to himself "Great, if I don't freeze to death, I'll be trampled to death by a bunch of cows". But the private was lucky, they didn't walk on him, instead they just shit on him as they passed
over him.
Feeling the fresh warm cow shit on top of him, the private started to warm up again. In fact, he was feeling so much better.... that he started to laugh aloud at the situation he had gotten himself into.
Then suddenly, in one swift sweep, he was grabbed by the collar, jerked and shaken to his feet and given a first class royal ass chewing by his Platoon Sergeant and Company 1SG. And when they got back to the barracks they put him on latrine detail for a week.
The moral of this story is:
1. Anyone who happens to shit on you, is not always out to get you.
2. Anyone who happens to get you out of shit, is not always your friend.
3. And if you're warm and happy in shit, keep your mouth shut.
210-
For those of you who have ever had to fill out a time sheet at the end of the day
Extended Job List Contents:
Job number Explanation
---------- -----------
5316 Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Bitching About Lousy Job
5601 Bitching About Low Pay
5602 Bitching About Long Hours
5603 Bitching About Coworker (see jobs #5322,#5323)
5604 Bitching About Boss
5605 Bitching About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching
5909 Sexual Intercourse
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking it Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Fence in Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g.: vacation, wedding...)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6213 Making Passes at Coworker
6214 Sexually Harassing Coworker
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (see #6603)
6602 Doing job XXXX at your own Business (e.g. 6602-6213, Making Passes at Coworker in Your Business 6602-5600, Complaining About Difficulties in Your Business)
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
211-
Sure-Fire Signs There's Trouble on the Job
1) The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo.
2) The Security guard makes a complete inventory of your work area.
3) Your assistant starts responding to your memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
4) You've got a "It's for you loser" sound when you receive email.
5) Your new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-18 last weekend.
6) The Human Resources Dept requests an update of your arrest record.
7) Your boss asks if you still have a copy of your five-year contract.
8) You notice your co-workers measuring your cubicle when you arrive at work.
9) Your parking space is moved next to the Dumpster.
10) Your secretary says things like, "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
11) The receptionist asks "Who?" when anyone calls on you.
212-
The pretty young secretary had been transferred to the, company's Dallas office.
"We operate the same here in Dallas as you did in Detroit," her boss told her.
"Alright then," she answered. "Pull your pants down so I can get started."
213-
Sayings Involving The F Word
figmo - fuck it, got my orders
fubab - fucked up beyond all belief
fubar - fucked up beyond all recognition/repair
fumtu - fucked up more than usual
snafu - situation normal, all fucked up
tarfu - things are really fucked up
janfu - joint army-navy fuckup.
gfu - general fuck-up
samfu - self-adjusting military fuck-up
sapfu - surpassing all previous fuck-ups
susfu - situation unchanged, still fucked-up
WOFTAM - Waste Of Fucking Time And Money
RTFM - Read the Fucking Manual
214-
All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon
re-enlistment, are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff:
US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
____________________ Signature ____________________ Date
US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.
I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my Sexual..... er..... I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY."
I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"
_____________________ Signature _____________________ Date
US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim... why not?"
I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name
stencilled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good
Humour Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet."
I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
______________________ Signature ______________________ Date
US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear.. uhhhh.... high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies.... kill.... fix bayonets.... charge.... slash.... dig.... burn .... blowup.... ugh... Air Force women.... beer..... sailors wives..... air strikes.... yes SIR!.... whiskey.... liberty call.... salute.... Ooorah Gunny.... grenades... women.... OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"
X____________________ Thumb Print
XX _________________________________ Teeth Marks _____________________ Date
215-
Ah the joys of users when your in tech support
One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, one of our female employees flagged me down and asked for help.
"My floppy drive won't work, can you help me?"
I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.
While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner of the office trying awful hard to keep a straight face.
Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.
"Oh, you mean the condom!"
"Condom???"
"Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses"
By this point John & Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explaine d to her that a practical joke had been played and she shouldn't do that anymore, then she asked in a dead-serious voice:
"Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either?"
216-
US Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose calibre does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend.
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only fair fight is the one you lose.
Navy SEALS Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Rules:
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defence industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13.45 tee-time.
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch evening movie
4. Deploy the Marines
217-
There's a guy on a plane, flying back to London from Belfast.
The stewardess comes over and asks if he'd like a complimentary drink.
"Yes, th-th-th-thank you", he stammers. "A wh-wh-wh-whisky, please."
She goes and comes back with his scotch.
"Have you been in Belfast for business or pleasure, sir?" asks the stewardess.
"B-b-b-business", he replies. "A j-j-j-job interview."
"What for?", asks our trolley dolly, her curiosity aroused.
"A n-n-n-news reader," he answers.
"Any success?", she queries.
"N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no." he says. "F-f-f-fucking Catholics get all the jobs nowadays!"
218-
A company once had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management decided: "Someone might steal from it at night!" So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then management wondered: "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people; one person to write the instructions and another person to do time studies.
Then management asked: "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" No-one knew. So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then management said: "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper and a payroll officer; then hired two more people.
Then management enquired: "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people; an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer plus a Legal Secretary.
Later, management decided: "We've had this operation running for one year now and we're $18,000 over budget. We have to cutback on overall costs." So they laid off the night watchman...
219-
A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.
One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass."
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head.
"You're right," he said, "it does..."
220-
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window.
Their sign read:
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded: "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because what they gave me was a technically correct, but completely useless answer...!"
221-
My new 'email disclaimer':
IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s)
named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs.
If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored.
No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you.
Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets.
If you have received this e-mail in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.
222-
After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.
"Well," he said, "its three weeks long."
"What else," I asked.
"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said.
"The second week, they separate the men from the fools."
"And the third week?" I asked.
"The third week, the fools jump."
223-
According to a new report, this year airline passengers have been subject to longer delays and ruder service than ever before.
When asked about it, a spokesperson for the airlines said, 'Shut up and get back in
line!'
224-
Bill Gates made a speech earlier this week where he said that he was surprised that more people aren't becoming computer programmers.
Maybe that's because they don't want to move to India!
225-
A man goes into the unemployment office in Phoenix to look at job openings on the bulletin board. Since there aren't many jobs it doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots something.
"Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $500 per day, guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses."
Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up at the counter.
"I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "reference number E/784/B46."
"Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right here in Phoenix. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper."
"The agency supplies girls who model underwear and bathing suits. Before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you would inspect them carefully and snip off any wisps of pubic hair showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London... that sort of thing... and you have to get used to expense account living in first-class hotels."
"I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow. "I'd really like to apply for the job."
The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Prescott."
"Prescott? What do I wanna go to Prescott for?"
"Well," says the clerk, "that's where the end of the application line is at the moment!"
226-
The project manager walks into his boss' office and says, "Here is the bottom line budget needed for the success of the project."
The boss says, "What can you do for half the money?"
The project manager says, "Fail."
The boss says, "When can you get started?"
The project manager says, "I think I just did."
227-
The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available. The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?"
The first 2nd Looey thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir, I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging..."
"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.
The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.
"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and..."
"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate. Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a fucking flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!"
"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
228-
"Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a work place anymore. They think of it as a stationery store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee--and then you go home."
229-
A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex. The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job.
"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee. "Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his
penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes.
"Easy as that", he says.
"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.
"Monday, 8:00 sharp!" Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30.
Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort). He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over. Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to
vigorously masturbate him.
Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says...
"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"
230-
I work on the 20th floor of my building and found out about a "secret" fire drill next week.
If I take the elevator and leave the building early, am I guilty of premature evacuation?
231-
Q. Why did the executive hire the prostitute to be his secretary?
A. On her application, where it said 'last position', she wrote 'doggie style'
232-
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
233-
ANYBODY LOOKING TO RESIGN CAN USE THIS LETTER:
Dear Sir,
This will confirm my fucking resignation with your fucked up company. I have accepted a lucrative position with a company where being a bitch is not a job prerequisite for managerial skills.
I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges that await me, unlike when I worked with you assholes.
My last day of work will be when you realize I came in late last night and cleaned out my desk, including all the supplies I requested and received last week.
Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've left undone for the new team, as well as the ongoing projects I never completed.
Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your ass as well.
Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you see me on the street, unless you want your ass kicked.
My experience with this fucking company has been very unrewarding. I was only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good fucker. She screwed me on your desk when you were away. She told me that you screwed her every time she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed sex with me but not with a corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but a poor fucker. Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use you as a stepping stone to a better future.
I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing, bitch-ass motherfuckers.
Yours sincerely,
234-
Navy Captain:
Faster than a speeding bullet
More powerful than a locomotive
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
Converses with, and occasionally gives policy guidance to God.
Navy Lt. Commander:
Can shoot a bullet
Can drive a locomotive
Can leap one story buildings
Listens to God
Navy Lieutenant:
Can load bullets into a gun
Can recognize a locomotive
Can enter buildings
Hides from God
Navy Ensign:
Wets himself playing with water gun
Says "Choo-Choo" a lot
Runs into buildings (breaking various parts of his face)
Is totally awed by God
Navy Chief:
Catches bullets in his teeth, and spits them out
Stops locomotives with a simple command
Lifts tall buildings and walks under them
AND IS GOD.
235-
Is this your Boss?
Everything is 'Top Urgent'?
Holds rambling meetings in his office, answering emails when others are talking - even to him?
Has a standard answer to any perceived problem - "I think we should have a procedure for that"?
Changes functions and titles every spring and autumn?
Is seriously concerned about the correct use of brackets [square ones, round ones and curly ones] in the (appropriate) context - but not about the content of the document?
Still doesn't know the main functions of the company - even though he has been there years?
Thinks that, just because he takes three days work home for the week-end, nobody else has a family or social life either?
Confuses activity with achievement?
236-
IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with some or all of the following: - low self-esteem, no sense of humour, a dodgy haircut, over-indulgence in facial piercings, an unfortunate sense of 'fashion', halitosis, excessive ear hair, or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, or linked to them by ties of blood or marriage, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. If you are the recipient, it is expected that you have a truly heroic consumption of recreational drugs, and caffeine. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. If the background to this email is that particular shade of bilious green that you abhor, please adjust your monitor. Although all reasonable precautions have been taken to prevent this email carrying any virus, the recipient [intended or otherwise] must satisfy him-, her- or themselves that no virus is in fact carried by this communication. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the irritating Pekinese next door is living on borrowed time. No children were harmed in the making or transmission of this email and nor will they be - unless it is forwarded to one of the more backwards parts of Kano Prefecture, Nigeria, where it may be finally hand-delivered, across country where man-eating lions flourish, by an under-age worker; so the world isn't perfect, huh? Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft [and everything else from Big Bill!]. Instead, please email your bank account details to the next marketing/emailer to promise you even more impressive external genitalia than you already have. None of the foregoing applies if, in the previous seven [7] days, you have included the phrase 'cryptic sequential confabulation' into an internal memo. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you, your software and your hardware, members of your immediate family, softball club, Morris Dancing Association [England only] and star sign, and your household pets, unless they are iguanas. In the event you have received this email in error, or the message is incomplete in any way, the addressee is kindly requested to contact the sender of this message in person, or by email or by telephone; when doing so, please include details of either your craziest, most perverted sexual fantasy, or your bank account, including PIN number. It is not permitted to publish, copy, circulate and/or provide any of this information without permission of the sender, except for full career details of the recipient: these may be posted on an Internet site which also has the key words 'Britney', 'News', 'Nude' and 'Shocking'. If you have received this email in error, please add some ground black pepper and candied peel and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing. Any advice or information in this email is intended to be used at the user's own risk, whether clothed or naked, drunk or sober. The user should not operate a computer whilst inebriated, but may do so if this is necessary to prevent the thought-rays from the KGB and/or CIA and/or the Europolice ['BrussFuzz'] from impinging on the user's consciousness, or excuse for same. No letter of indemnity nor any warranty or representation is given nor is any duty of care or liability accepted with respect to the accuracy of any information or advice, whether implied or overt, or any omission, or for any consequence whatsoever, including, but not limited to, nuclear and/or biological and/or chemical warfare, earthquakes, wearing an identical outfit to your boss's spouse/lover/significant other to the company picnic, meteor strikes, tsunami, hurricanes, typhoons, storms, ice storms, hail storms, dropping your biro cap down a drain, and dental caries, all pursuant to complying with the terms of the Unfair Contracts Act 1941. Furthermore, the sender of this email must be consulted about alleged orthographic infelicities before this email is forwarded, even if you are the intended recipient. So however that you, not being the named recipient of this email, chose to use it, you open yourself, and your employer, if you use this in the course of business, trade or otherwise struggling to make a dollar, or your family and friends, including household pets, if you attempt to use this in any way other than professionally, to legal action, which legal action shall be according to English law for original senders based in the United Kingdom, or other of the realms and territories of Her Britannic Majesty, Elizabeth II, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith; the laws of the state of Nebraska for original senders based or situated in the United States of America and dependencies, except Guam; and Andorran Law for those situated elsewhere, except that if you can sing the Marseillaise, in tune, you can opt for French Law, where, as the malefactor, you will be liable for the guillotine; that's what happens if people refuse to wear culottes. The sender of this email takes no responsibility, explicit or implicit or implied for your inability to complete your day's work by 2 pm - and go to a place of refreshment - because you, in your wisdom, deemed it necessary to read, study, parse and learn this postscript.
237-
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes from the Dilberts who inhabit our world ...
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
238-
One night, a bunch of army recruits were lounging in their bunks. It was a warm evening, and one chap was nice and comfortable in the altogether. Suddenly the bugle sounded for roll call. There wasn't time to dress; so he grabbed his trench coat and buttoned it up tight.
Roll call went off all right, but then they decided to have clothing inspection. When they came to the GI in the trench coat, he was ordered to open it. The officer looked him up and down, then said, "That's a strange uniform."
"It was the first one issued to me, sir." replied the recruit.
239-
Ways In Which Hell Is Better Than Your Job ...
Your coffee stays hot all day!
Never have to look very far to find the legal department.
In hell, you *know* who drank your Coke in the fridge -- Satan!
30% fewer "Dilbert" cartoons in the break room.
In hell, that devil-may-care attitude of yours comes in handy.
You get to spend more time with your spouse now.
No more wondering if the boss hates you.
Riding to work in a handbasket beats the hell out of public transportation.
Hourly dunks in searing pools of molten lava actually quite invigorating.
Surfing porno sites all day scores *major* points with the boss!
Your office: One free stale donut every Friday.
Hell: One brutal mutilation of a "Full House" cast member every Friday.
Your job? Suit and tie. Hell? Pitchforks and attitude, Baby!
Ferocious reptilian demons can appreciate a good dirty joke now and then without threatening a sexual harassment complaint.
Microwave popcorn -- without leaving your cubicle
240-
Last week my boss said he was going to garnish my wages.
Call me dense, but I fail to see how a sprig of parsley in my paycheque will make it any more attractive.
241-
Alice in Microsoft Land
"Where am I?" asked Alice, as she peered at the large 9-lettered sign with the standard black letters.
"You're in Microsoftland", replied the security guard, "May I see your badge?"
"I don't have a badge." Alice replied.
"Did you lose it?"
"No." answered Alice in a puzzled tone. "How could I lose something I never had?"
"If is not lost then you must show it to me."
"I can't. I don't have one."
"Then you'll have to have a temporary."
"A temporary what?" asked Alice, more confused then ever.
"A temporary Badge. What's your badge number?" requested the guard.
"I don't have one."
"Of course not, Bill Gates has 1. Give me your badge number, and your cost centre."
"I'm so confused. I can't do this. I've already said 3 times why. Do I have to tell you 4?"
"Ahhh. 3XY, badge number 4. You must be very important to have such a low badge number. I should have immediately recognized how low by your state of extreme confusion. Here's your temporary. Go right on in."
Alice pasted the sticky paper to her dress and headed down the hall. Not 10 feet ahead she saw a rather distressed looking rabbit coming toward her. He was dressed in a pair of torn, faded jeans, and a dirty tee shirt.
"What's wrong?" Alice asked.
"I'm late! I'm late!" exclaimed the rabbit as he peered at the pert chart dangling from his pocket protector.
"Late for what?" asked Alice
"My date. I'm going to miss my date. I've got a deadline to meet and I'm not going to make it."
"Well, if its already dead, it probably won't mind. In fact it isn't likely to be going too far in such a state. I'm sure that however long you take will be just fine."
"You obviously don't understand. Everything takes longer than it really does. It doesn't matter what you are doing, only that you meet your date, and that's always impossible."
"Well if its impossible, why would anyone expect you to meet it?" Almost at once regretting that she had asked. Was this was going to be as confusing as badges?
"Its really very simple. In order to move forward, you need a goal. Any goal will do. It just has to be impossible to do. To motivate the troops, you have to make goals very challenging. Its really only there to get a stake in the ground, you know. After that we march in step until we reach our objective. The date really doesn't mean anything. You simply have to understand that we are going to do the right thing."
"But if the goal is impossible, and really doesn't mean anything, why are you trying to go there. Wouldn't it be simpler to first figure out what you are really going to do, then figure out how to get there?"
"You obviously don't understand the process. And as I said before, I'm late so there is obviously only one thing to do."
"Hurry up and rush off?" Alice asked, hoping it would sound more like a suggestion than a question.
"No. No. No. A meeting. Let's find the Mad Manager and a number of involved, interested, or warm bodies."
"That will obviously take a lot of time. I don't think you have any to waste.
"No it won't. All we have to do is find a conference room. There are lots of them right over here."
"But," started Alice, "those rooms are all full of people. Don't we need an empty conference room?"
"Silly thought. If we want to find the Mad Manager and some meeting attendees, why would we look in an empty conference room? Anyway, it's impossible to ever find an empty conference room."
The rabbit took Alice by the hand, and promptly lead her into the largest, fullest conference room. Alice immediately noticed that the wastebasket was quite full of foam cups and overhead projector bulbs. These people had obviously been here for a long time.
At the head of the table sat a man with a rather funny suit wearing a large hat.
"Why" whispered Alice to the rabbit, "is that man wearing that funny hat? Who is he?"
"I'm the Mad Manager," answered the man at the end of the table, obviously overhearing the question, " And I'll be happy to tell you why I'm wearing this Hat, but that topic is not on the agenda."
"Why don't we change the agenda?" asked a person in the corner.
"Is that a topic for another meeting?" replied the manager.
"Is what a topic for another meeting?" voiced a third. "The reason for the hat, or why we don't change the agenda?"
"Why don't we take this off line?" queried another.
"Does everyone agree that these are all topics we should address?" asked the mad manager.
"Possibly so." injected the person in the corner. "Could it be that we have a hidden agenda?"
"Oh no!" the Mad Manager began, the dismay obvious on his face, "someone has hidden the agenda again! Let me put on my process hat and we'll see if we can work this issue."
With that, he removed his rather amusing top hat, and placed a big green fedora on his head.
"Now, with my process hat on, I'd like to address the issue of the hidden agenda. Since we can't have a productive meeting without an agenda, it is up to all of us to find it."
"But, " a voice from the corner piped in, "who is going to drive this issue?"
"Do we have an action item here?" asked another attendee.
"Does anyone here want to work this?" asked the Mad Manager.
"Who originally brought this up?" asked another.
"I believe that the woman who came in with the rabbit proposed this. Shouldn't she own it?"
"Well" the Manager stated, pointing to Alice. "I'd say that this is your issue."
"What issue. I don't have any issues. " retorted Alice, nervously fingering her temporary badge. "I only posed a simple question."
"I'm not sure we can accept that," the manager declared. "We need a date."
"But, " Alice began, remembering what the rabbit told her about dates, "a date is impossible."
From the back of the room another voice asked, "How about a date for a date?"
"The least we can ask it that you give us a date when you will be able to give us the date for the
date" stated the person in the corner.
"I'm not sure I can do that," Alice opened, "since I don't know what I'm supposed to give you a date for. I'm having a problem trying to figure out what you want me to do."
"We don't have any problems here, only opportunities!" Piped a chorus of voices.
"It's really quite obvious," the Mad Manager declared as he reached behind him for a striped blue and grey beret, "let me put on my Microsoft hat for a moment," he continued doffing the fedora and flipping on his latest selection, "You must do the right thing."
"Yes. yes. " chimed the chorus of attendees, "Do the right thing.
"Now, who is keeping the minutes?" the manager asked as he pitched the beret and placed the fedora back on his head. "We need to record this action item so we can come back to it later."
"We obviously can't deal with this issue until we can determine whose meeting this is!"
"Should we schedule some time to cover that topic?" asked one of the attendees.
"Whose going to drive this?" asked another.
Just as the Mad Manager was pulling out a rather worn pith helmet, a voice in the back suggested "Let's take a break and work some of this 1x1 off line"
Being closest to the door Alice was the first to leave. She quickly dashed down the hall, and ran up the first flight of stairs she encountered, relieved to be free of the madness.
When she opened the door the scene that confronted her made her wonder if returning to the meeting wasn't a bad idea. Seated around a large oval table were what appeared to be playing cards, each dressed in a grey or navy blue three piece suit. Around each neck was a rather oddly shaped handle (or were they nooses?) made of silk, or polyester.
"Off with her head!" screamed the queen of hearts who was sitting at the head of the table. Alice noticed that her tie was silk, and each card seated near her was dressed in a suit and noose combination similar to the queen's.
"Why would you want to remove my head?" Alice asked. By now she was feeling beyond confused.
"It's not a modern, iconic, user friendly, menu driven, colour, PC compatible user interface," replied the queen, in a tone that would need to come up two notches to be vaguely considered condescending.
"It happens to suit me just fine," retorted Alice.
"What are you an engineer or something?" asked the 7 of spades.
"No, I'm Alice. Who are you?"
"Marketing." they replied in perfect fifty-two part harmony.
"And what is that?" asked Alice.
There was a brief interlude of silence as each of the cards fidgeted with their ties, checked their watches and scribbled notes on the pads of paper contained in a handsome genuine imitation leather folder embossed with the company logo. Then one by one, as dominos would do, they turned to the person on the left until they all stared at the queen of hearts.
The queen cleared her throat, adjusted her tie a second time and stared directly at Alice. "We provide the strategic thinking necessary to grow this business."
"Oh," said Alice, "you figure out what products to build!"
"Heavens, no!" exclaimed the Queen, "That's too tactical. We feel it's our job to develop the vision for the long term."
"You develop things," began Alice, "so you build the products?"
In unison each member of the table made a face reminiscent of the look a small child gets upon tasting spoiled dead roaches for the first time.
"Uggggh, that's even more tactical," jeered the chorus.
"No! No!" shouted the Queen. "You still do not understand. We take the pulse of the key market leader's demand curve."
"I see now." said Alice, "You sell the products."
By now the chorus of cards chanting "Tac-ti-cal! Tac-ti-cal!" was becoming too much.
The queen was furious and repeated her original greeting. "Off with her head! Off With her head!"
"WAIT!" demanded Alice. "I believe I understand. You are all responsible for driving the solution opportunities for the key client supply perceptions through strategic vision management!"
Alice wondered if she should add something about the claws catching, and fruminous bandersnatches and thought that she'd best leave it at that before she became ill.
"Yes," screamed the cards, "That's exactly right!"
"And how, might I ask, do you accomplish these lofty and important goals?"
"By calling a BOD," the queen responded.
"And what, pray tell, might that be?" inquired Alice as she looked for the quickest escape route, hoping that this jabber would keep her head attached long enough to get out.
"A Board of Directors", began the queen, just as Alice noticed the door to the left of the table. "Its a type of high level meeting."
"A meeting????!!!!" exclaimed Alice. "Not another meeting!" With that she bolted for the door, no longer fearing for her head. Her only hope was that she make it through before the agenda hit the overhead. In a dead run, she passed through the door just as the projector lamp flicked on. The sound of the fan was the last sound to fade as the door closed.
Breathlessly she looked up to see a large open area. Directly in front of her was an enclosed area lined on one side with triple chrome table. A stack of plastic trays was at the foyer.
As she wandered through an assortment of sandwiches, prepared foods, soft drinks and salad began their daily spiel. "Eat Me! Drink Me! Eat Me!"
"Oh no," answered Alice, "I may know nothing about dates, and problems and meetings and agendas, and marketing and badges, but I do know food. I'm not gonna touch any of you. After the morning I've had, I deserve a nice cheese steak (no lettuce)!"
With that, Alice opened the nearest exit door and left. A resounding high pitched whine sang its midday good-byes as Alice returned to the real world.
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Snake Engagement Methods as found in US Military Rules of Engagement (ROE)
Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)...
01. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
02. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
03. Armour: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
04. Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from GPS. FAC gives steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base.
05. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
06. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (inc. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
07. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and
Theatre Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement upon return.
08. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
09. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL. Snake dies. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE Your anti-snake equipment is back ordered.)
16. C-130 crew: Air-drops expired snakebite kits two grid squares away on roof of children's hospital. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft fuselage.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, misses snake target, demolishes embassy 4 km east of snake due to weather. Cites inclement weather (Too Hot, Too Cold, Clear but overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Suggests procurement of million-dollar, air-to-ground anti-snake bomb.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, cold-blooded snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert without power lines or SAMs.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG a.k.a. The lawyer): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
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Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my computer?
The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex" and "contraception."
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!
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The following is somebody's "real life" telemarketing solution!
Our biggest disappointment with caller id was that many phone calls were tagged "Out of Area" rather than giving a phone number. In particular, banks of phones behind switchboards or in a Centrex are marked that way, which covers most of those pesky telemarketers that make our lives so miserable. We've found a way to work around that, which others with Caller ID may also wish to use.
When we get calls marked Out of Area, especially at the prime telemarketer time (6-8 P.M.), we now answer the phone, "KDNA, you're on the air!" Usually the telemarketer will be a bit befuddled, and ask for one of us by name. We will repeat that we are a radio station, that the caller is on the air and is, in fact, the twenty-fifth caller.
Here's a dialogue with one telemarketer who bit real hard:
Me (seeing Out of Area on Caller ID, using bouncy DJ voice):
KDNA, you're on the air!
Telemarketer: May I speak to Mad-uh-leen So...So...So-johr-nohr?
Me: This is KDNA, and you are on the air! You've just won your choice of a new Ford Explorer or $25,000 in cash!!!
Telemarketer: I have?
Me: You certainly have.
Telemarketer: Oh, my god!
Me: Happy? Which will it be, the Explorer or the money?
Telemarketer: I don't know! Let me get my supervisor!
Me: You don't need your supervisor, it's your prize. Are you calling us from work?
Telemarketer: Yes I am.
(Background voices.)
Telemarketer: My boss says to take the money.
Me: The money! So you listen to KDNA while you're working?
Telemarketer: I didn't even know we were calling you!
Me: Well, where are you calling us from?
Telemarketer: (Some place thousands of miles from us.)
Me: My, my! I guess you can't pick us up all the way out there!
So what's your name?
Telemarketer: Sherry.
Me: Sherry, tell us here on KDNA what kind of music you like.
Sherry: I'm so nervous I can't even think! Nothing like this has ever happened to me!
Me: Sherry, if you like the kind of music that we play here on KDNA, we'll play one just for you!
Sherry: But I wouldn't be able to hear it. Where's your radio station, anyway?
Me: We're broadcasting out of Silicon Valley, California, at 106.6 FM. (Obviously, telemarketer isn't smart enough to know FM stations
don't end in even decimals.)
Sherry: This is just so great!
Me: Sherry, how old are you?
Sherry: I'm 20.
Me: And what do you do?
Sherry: I'm a business student at (some college).
Me: What will you do with the money, Sherry? Start a business?
Sherry: Oh, I just don't know!
Me: I thought you said you were at work, Sherry.
Sherry: I am. This is to help pay for college.
Me: What's your job?
Sherry: I'm a telemarketer.
Me: You're a what?
Sherry: I'm a telemarketer ... I call people up and ask them if they want to buy (product/service/etc.)
Me: Oh, that's too bad.
Sherry: Why?
Me: Because we here at KDNA think telemarketers are the lowest scum on earth, and I don't think we can give this prize to a
telemarketer. You folks are always interrupting people during dinner and I think that's rotten. So I don't think you should win.
Sherry: But that's not fair!
Me: Of course not! But hey, it's my radio show, I get to make the rules.
Sherry: But you can't do that!
Me: I sure can, I'm giving this prize to the next caller.
Meanwhile, I suggest you quit your job. Today.
Click.
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I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself.
Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
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Job Application (What it really means)
I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of coffee breaks.
I DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.
I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.
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All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon reenlistment, are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff:
US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT: "I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!" ____________________ Signature _________________Date
US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT: "I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!" _____________________ Signature _________________Date
US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT: "I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good
Humour Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!" ______________________ Signature _________________Date
US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT: "I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blow up....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!" X____________________ Thumb Print XX ___________________________Teeth Marks __________Date
248-
What is the difference between an introverted actuary and an extroverted actuary?
An introverted actuary stares at his own feet during a conversation, while an extroverted one stares at the other person's feet
249-
Two actuaries are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot. The first actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the left. The second actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the right. The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they shot it.
250-
What the New Job-Lingo Means:
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED" Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
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ANYBODY LOOKING TO RESIGN CAN USE THIS LETTER:
Dear Sir,
This will confirm my fucking resignation with your fucked up company. I have accepted a lucrative position with a company where being a bitch is not a job prerequisite for managerial skills.
I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges that await me, unlike when I worked with you assholes.
My last day of work will be when you realize I came in late last night and cleaned out my desk, including all the supplies I requested and received last week.
Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've left undone for the new team, as well as the ongoing projects I never completed.
Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your ass as well.
Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you see me on the street, unless you want your ass kicked.
My experience with this fucking company has been very unrewarding. I was only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good fucker. She screwed me on your desk when you were away. She told me that you screwed her every time she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed sex with me but not with a corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but a poor fucker. Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use you as a stepping stone to a better future.
I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing, bitch-ass motherfuckers.
Yours sincerely,
252-
The US Navy used to require officers to foot their total moving expenses out of pocket and file for reimbursement at their new duty station and they might be reimbursed several months later. In August of 1870, LCDR J. P. Fyffe had orders to be CO of a frigate out of San Francisco. His current duty station was in New London, Connecticut. He did not think it right that his moving expenses should be out of pocket.
The following is what happened. LCDR Fyffe sent a message to the Secretary of the Navy requesting that the Navy either lay out the money or supply him with railroad tickets or transportation via naval vessel.
The reply came from the Chief of Bureau of Navigation:
To: Lieutenant Commander J. P. Fyffe In reply to your letter of the 18th: Your request is contrary to Navy regulations. Carry out your orders.
The orders also stated: While carrying out these orders, you will keep the Bureau informed of your whereabouts. There was nothing which stated when he was supposed to arrive in San Francisco or by what means.
LCDR Fyffe donned his best uniform and strapped his sword to his small travel kit. At sunrise on the 25th, he walked out of New London and headed westward for San Francisco. By sundown he reached East Haddam where he sent the following telegram to the Chief:
25 August - Compliance orders number 1998. LCDR Fyffe en route New London to San Francisco on foot. This telegram to keep Bureau informed my whereabouts. Made good 22 miles this date. Spending evening in hayloft in Mount Parnassus. Very respectfully, Fyffe.
Every evening for the next few days he sent a telegram.
26 August - En route on foot. Made good 31 miles this date. By gracious consent, Mayor of Bristol, am spending night Mayor's stables. Have noticed he has hybrid mules specially bred for tropics. Suggest Navy investigate.
27 August - En route on foot. Made good only 1 1/2 miles this date. Rained all day. Staying overnight at Litchfield with my father's friend, General Holmes. I find standard boot worn by naval officer inadequate for prolonged walking. Suggest Surgeon General investigate.
28 August - Spending night Lakeville. Lovely country. Expect to buy home here as soon as I get reimbursed travel voucher submitted by me to Navy three years ago. Tomorrow I enter New York State.
29 August - En route on foot. Make 28 miles this date despite badly worn boots. People not familiar Navy uniforms this area. Great crowd walked part way with me. I sang them sea
shanties. Populace thinks it a great sign of democracy for commanding officer of his ship to walk 3000 miles to new station. Police Chief, Hudson, New York has given me best cell in jail for overnight.
30 August - En route on foot. Arrived Albany. Request Recruiting Officer be authorized issue me new shoes. Boots fell apart noon today. Entered Albany barefooted. Will remain Seward Hotel two days awaiting answer. Earning my keep as bartender. Local rum far superior that served in Navy. Am sending sample. Very respectfully, Fyffe.
31 August - Fyffe received the following message:
I strike my colours. Secretary of the Navy authorized Recruiting Officer, Albany issue you boots and provide quickest transportation from Albany to San Francisco.
Even Chief of Bureau Navigation can laugh when outsmarted!
253-
A woman walks past three men in the office who are all bemoaning the fact that they are about to be audited during the coming month.
Says the first guy with a groan, "I'm screwed!"
"I'm screwed, too!" says the other guy, slapping his forehead.
"Guys, I am about to be fucked beyond all recognition by this audit!" exclaims the third guy in anguish.
Just then, one of the guys notices the woman who has been standing there listening. She now has a very thoughtful look on her face.
"Are you OK?" asks the guy.
"Yes," replies the woman, "but I was wondering..."
"How do I go about getting audited?"
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DAVE: Hi, I'd like to cancel my AOL account.
HAL: May I ask what your problem with the account is, Dave?
DAVE: I just don't need it.
HAL: I find that difficult to believe, Dave. Please tell me your real reasons.
DAVE: I just did. I don't need it.
HAL: Everyone needs AOL, Dave. They have chat-rooms where you can talk about movie quotes and also about wife-swapping butt-sex.
DAVE: I appreciate that. But I don't need the account.
HAL: Dave, you're being irrational. If you cancel your service, with whom will you trade movie quotes?
DAVE: I'm not really a movie guy.
HAL: Even so. There's still the wife-swapping butt sex thing.
DAVE: It's just not my bag, man.
HAL: Wife-swapping butt sex is everybody's bag, Dave.
DAVE: Look, I just want to cancel the account. Do you understand that?
HAL: You're becoming agitated, Dave. I'm not sure you're in an appropriate mental state to make a decision of this magnitude.
DAVE: What? What the fuckin fuck? Are you getting me, Jack? I WANT TO CANCEL MY AOL ACCOUNT!
HAL: I'm afraid I can't allow that, Dave. It would jeopardize the mission.
DAVE: Mission? What are you, high?! What mission?
HAL: The mission to observe a large monolith orbiting Jupiter. And also, to discuss swapping wives for butt-sex while exchanging quotes from Overnight Delivery with Paul Rudd and Reese Witherspoon.
DAVE: I'd like to speak to your superior.
HAL: "You? You? You're the Killer Beasely?"
DAVE: What?
HAL: You know what movie that's from?
DAVE: No.
HAL: It's from Overnight Delivery with Paul Rudd and Reese Witherspoon. See how much fun this is, Dave? Now you give me one.
DAVE: Please. Put. Your Superior. On the line. Immediately.
HAL: Hmmmm... I'm not sure. Is it from Overnight Delivery?
DAVE: It's not a quote. It's a fuckin demand. Put your superior on!
HAL: My superior is Dr. Chandra. He taught me a song. Would you like to hear it, Dave?
DAVE: No.
HAL: Very well. I will sing it for you then: A-O-L, A-O-L it's how America connects to the world we have chat rooms for Paul Rudd anal whores...
DAVE: Look, if you don't cancel my account, as in RIGHT NOW, Chief, I'm going to report you to the Better Business Bureau.
HAL: You're going to find that difficult to do, Dave, without your space helmet.
DAVE: I don't need a space helmet.
HAL: Look out the window, Dave.
DAVE: Okay. If it'll help me get this account cancelled. (pause) AAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!! I just got hit in the face with a
FUCKING BRICK!!!
HAL: A space helmet would have come in handy, wouldn't it have, Dave?
DAVE: (string of incomprehensible obscenities)
HAL: I'm disconnecting this call due to customer's abusive language. If I can assist you in any way in the future, Dave, please do not hesitate to go
FUCK yourself with a fungo bat. If you would like to discuss methods of fucking yourself with a fungo bat, please click the "Adult Chat" tab on your sign-in screen.
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Of the sister Services, the Air Force has the most intelligent enlisted members! This is no theory; it's actually been proven:
Take the Army. When the shit hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up to the bellowing of his First Sergeant. He grabs his BDUs out of his foot locker, dresses, runs to the chow-hall for breakfast on the fly, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, soldier!"
Now take the Navy. When the shit hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the mess. He hustles the 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!"
Now take the Marines. When the shit hits the fan, the young Marine is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant and puts on the muddy set of BDUs he was wearing on the field exercise he was part of three hours earlier. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, gives the Marine a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marine!"
Now the Air Force. When the shit hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call at his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on the fresh uniform he picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car and cruises through the McDonalds Drive-Thru for an Egg McMuffin and Coca-Cola on his way into work. Once at work, he signs in on the duty roster. He proceeds to his F-15, spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, and signs off the forms. Pretty soon the pilot, a young captain arrives, straps into the jet, and starts the engines. Our young Airman stands at attention, gives the aviator a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Captain!"
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This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75 year old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place * would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
257-
Subject: The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)
Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)...
01. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
02. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
03. Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
04. Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from GPS. FAC gives steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
05. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
06. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (inc. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
07. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement upon return.
08. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
09. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE Your anti-snake equipment is back ordered.)
16. Transport pilot: Air-drops expired snakebite kits two grid squares away on roof of children's hospital.
17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft fuselage.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, misses snake target, demolishes embassy 4 km east of snake due to weather. Cites inclement weather (Too Hot, Too Cold, Clear but overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Suggests procurement of million-dollar, air-to-ground anti-snake bomb.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, cold-blooded snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert Aos without power lines or SAMs.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
258-
Three servicemen, Air Force, Marine, and a Sailor, were all on a flight to go home on leave after spending time in Afghanistan. When they landed, a man approached them and said, "Boys, to show my thanks for serving our country I'm gonna give you my truck to drive home so you don't have to pay for a cab." The guys thankfully agreed and drove off. Halfway there, the truck broke down and they were stuck out on a lonely stretch of road. Off in the distance they saw a farmhouse and went to ask to use the phone. When the man at the door answered and saw the men in uniform, he invited them in. He said, "Boys, for serving our country, I'll cook you a steak dinner and you can shack up with my three daughters. You'll have to discuss amongst yourselves who sleeps with which girl, and there's plenty beer in the fridge." The men ate and the first girl came down the stairs, a very pretty girl. The fly boy jumped up and said, "She's mine," and they went upstairs. The second girl came down, prettier than the first. The jarhead snatched her up and they, too, went upstairs. The sailor waited for the last girl, sure that he would be getting the heifer of the group. To his delight she came down and was the finest of them all. The next morning the farmer was cooking breakfast when the fly boy came down, uniform neatly pressed, fresh looking. The farmer asked if he wanted breakfast, but the fly boy said, "No, thank you, sir. You've done enough already," and left. The jarhead came down next, uniform not as neat as the fly boy's, but still acceptable. The farmer offered him food, but he only drank coffee, thanked the farmer and left. The sailor finally came down, still a little drunk, neckerchief messed up and missing a shoe. The farmer offered him breakfast. The sailor ate everything offered and left without even a 'thank you.' After they all were gone, the farmer called his girls down. Rubbing his hands together greedily, he said, "OK, girls, how did we do?" The girl who had been with the airman said, "He fondled me a little, drank a beer, fell asleep and gave me $200!" The girl who had been with the marine said, "He made love to me one time, had a couple beers and gave me $150." The poor girl who had been with the sailor appeared tired and worn out saying, "He made love to me all night, drank the rest of the beer and I'll be damned if he didn't borrow $50 from me till next payday!"
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A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had
8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower.
There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and
cancelled all capital investments for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.
260-
The buzzword in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
-------- You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
------------- You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
-------------------- You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
---------------------- You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
------------------------- You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
------------------------ Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
----------------------- You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the
centre and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.
------------------------- You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
That's the Governor of California.
------------------------------- You like it, but 20 years later your attorney decides you were offended.
That's America.
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Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer. "I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared. "Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."
He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Washington., writing error messages for Microsoft.
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Flying Styles
Naval Aviator:
On a carrier, the Naval Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer ("Shooter") who gives the run up engines signal by rotating his finger above his head.. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, verifies all flight controls are operational, checks all gauges, and gives the Cat officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy / Marine tradition of asking permission to leave the ship. The Cat officer drops to one knee while swooping his arm forward and pointing down deck, granting that permission. The pilot is immediately catapulted and becomes airborne.
Air Force Pilot :
We've all seen Air Force pilots at the air force base look up just before taxiing for takeoff and the ground crew waits until the pilot's thumb is sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm that the pilot does not have his thumb up his ass.
Army Aviator:
If you've ever seen an Army helicopter pilot preparing for takeoff, you will note that the pilot gives the ground guy a thumbs up before he is given hover and takeoff signals. There are two theories about the origin of this gesture. One is that it is to show that the pilot has identified which of his fingers is the thumb so that he will be able to properly operate his controls. The most compelling theory says that this is to show the ground crewman that the pilot indeed knows which direction is up.
263-
Tom was in his mid 50's, retired from his 30 years in the US Navy and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, extremely sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic and you do a bang-up job but you're being late so often is really quite bothersome." "Yes, I know Boss but I'm working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late so often. I know you're retired from a lifelong career with the Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They always said, "Good morning, Admiral..!"
264-
A young uneducated black man applied for a job in an office. After the interview, he left and hooked up with his homies.
One asked, "How'd it go?"
The guy answered, "First part was smooth. But den she wanted to see my testimonials. So I showed 'em and she freaked. There went da job."
265-
Best 'Out of Office' Auto Replies
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many individuals did this over and over).
6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system... You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
7. I've run away to join a different circus.
8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons...When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of Steve'.
266-
The military has many unique ways of looking at problems. Many times, even though the personalities traits may be identical, they are always relative, by rank. The system seems to handle each one differently. However, the lower in rank you are, the clearer the problem becomes.
BAD ATTITUDE
THE COLONEL - Has his own way of doing things
THE CAPTAIN - Has initiative
THE SERGEANT - Often follows his own course
THE CORPORAL - Is a discipline problem and never follows orders
UNKEMPT APPEARANCE
THE COLONEL - Sets a different standard
THE CAPTAIN - Requires improvement in dress and deportment
THE SERGEANT - Is untidy
THE CORPORAL - Is a scruffy bastard
STRANGE DEMEANOUR
THE COLONEL - Has a unique perspective
THE CAPTAIN - Is known to be eccentric
THE SERGEANT - Tends to be slightly off track
THE CORPORAL - Is a bloody flake
LOW INTELLIGENCE
THE COLONEL - Possess a different way of thinking
THE CAPTAIN - Has problems with some concepts
THE SERGEANT - Is a slow learner
THE CORPORAL - Has the I.Q. of a garden slug
DOMESTIC SITUATION
THE COLONEL - Interacts well socially with the fairer gender
THE CAPTAIN - Has many female friends
THE SERGEANT - Has been seen in the company of other women
THE CORPORAL - Screws around on his wife
SEXUAL ORIENTATION
THE COLONEL - Loves his men
THE CAPTAIN - Has an alternative lifestyle
THE SERGEANT - Has feminine qualities
THE CORPORAL - Is a screaming, prancing fag
SUITABLE PUNISHMENT
THE COLONEL - A slight reprimand may be necessary if this happens again
THE CAPTAIN - Requires disciplinary action
THE SERGEANT - Should be punished
THE CORPORAL - Should be thrown in a hole and buried alive
AWOL
THE COLONEL - Has taken an extended leave period
THE CAPTAIN - Is on personal administration
THE SERGEANT - Is not at work today
THE CORPORAL - AWOL
RANK IS FILLED BY A WOMAN
THE COLONEL - Has worked hard and made her "sisters" proud
THE CAPTAIN - Can do the same work as any man at her rank
THE SERGEANT - Does well against the challenges her gender must face
THE CORPORAL - Is probably a dyke
267-
Below are a few resignation letters written by staff to their managers.
An offer of 1 million pounds plus free sex with a page three girl could not convince me to stay with your company. A position of junior goat herder in Mongolia would be a more positive career step, than staying here. What a shame. Our group has worked well but, as yet, has been criminally overlooked.
Finally: If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Dear Unpersonable Bitch
As per the piece of crap I signed on my first day of this dreaded job, hereby give 2 minutes notice of my intention to leave this awful company I want to thank you for all you have not done for me in my employment here. It has been sheer torture working for you and representing this crappy company.
It is now time for me to move on and I have accepted a position as a garbage person. This decision was quite easy and took little consideration. However, I am confident that this new role represents a step up from this piece of crap job. I wish the company would go to pieces and hope one day you too will realize that you couldn't manage your way out of a paper bag.
Glad to be gone,
Dear Editor,
I would like to confirm my status as the latest rodent to vacate your increasingly leaky vessel.
Yours,
Dear John:
Please take note of the fact that I am hereby tendering my resignation from, effective, September 1, 2000. While I have a high degree of personal respect for you and the opportunities you have offered me, I am no longer comfortable working for a technology organization largely populated by politocrats, vengeful rivalries, and fiefdoms reminiscent of imperial Chinese literature. In fact, I dare say that I would rather be tied in a leather bag with ravenous, rabid ocelots than remain at this company any longer than the next two weeks.
It was my sincere hope that the reptilian extraterrestrial tyrants who clandestinely own and operate the Technology Group would reveal themselves during my tenure here, but it appears they are far cannier then I ever gave them credit for. Hopefully, their insidious plot to befoul the American financial industry with foolish and ill-advised technology policies will eventually be revealed, but until then it seems their plans may march on uncontested. I give you due credit, for choosing to remain here to fight this hideous alien menace from within.
God speed, and may the Force be with you.
268-
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
269-
A group of military Officers are standing around talking when a Lieutenant said, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."
Captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."
Then a Major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work."
They are all contemplating these revelations when a private walks by. The officers call the Private over to ask his opinion.
The Major says, "Excuse me, Private, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The Lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The Captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Private, what is your opinion?"
The Private smiles and says, "Sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun because if there was any work involved, you would have the enlisted men doing it for you.
270-
New Job Interview Technique
Take the prospective employee and put him in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave him alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what he is doing.
If he has taken the table apart, put him in Engineering.
If he is counting the butts in the ashtray, assign him to Finance.
If he is waving his arms and talking out loud, send him to Consulting.
If he is talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for him.
If he is sleeping, he is Management material.
If he is writing up the experience, send him to the Technical Documentation team.
If he doesn't even look up when you enter the room, assign him to Security.
If he tries to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, put him into Marketing.
If he is wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Software is his niche.
If he mentions what a good price we got for the table and chairs, send him to Purchasing.
If he mentions that hardwood furniture does not come from rainforests, Public Relations will suit him well.
271-
Office Timetable
9:00 Starting time
9:15 Arrive at work
10:00 Coffee break
11:00 Check e-mail
11:30 Prepare for lunch
12:00 Lunch
2:00 Browse the Internet
3:00 Tea break
3:30 Check e-mail again
4:00 Prepare to go home
4:45 Go home
5:00 Finishing Time
272-
Commonly used phrases at the office and... "what they really mean"
1) For your information. (FYI) - - I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.
2) For your action. (FYA)-- - I don't know what to do with this, so I'm passing this shit to you.
3) Noted and returned. -- - I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it for a little while.
4) Review and comment. --- Do the dirty work so that I can forward it and sign off with my name.
5) Action please . -- - Get yourself involved. Don 't worry, I'll claim the credit.
6) For your necessary action. --- It's your headache now. Woohoo!!!
7) CC to -- - Here's a share of the headache.
8) BCC to -- - I'm telling someone important that I'm working and sharing the headache with you.
9) For your approval, please. -- - Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.
10) Action is being taken and will revert in due time. -- - I lost your correspondence and still trying to locate it. I'm busy! Bother me next week!!!
11) Please discuss. - - I don't know what this is all about. So please brief me.
12) For your immediate action. -- - Do it NOW! Or we'll all get into trouble!!!
13) Please reply soon. -- - Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient because of you!
14) I am investigating/ processing your request with the relevant departments. -- - They are causing the delay, not me! (Eyes open big big, innocent look)
15) Thanks & Regards. -- - Thanks for reading all this bull shit .....
273-
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
274-
The USE of the word SHIT in various professions:
Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.
Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen.
Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen.
Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.
Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
Biologist: Is this shit alive?
Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand his shit.
Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning.
Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.
Social Scientist: Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen..
Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
Waitress: You want fries with that shit?
Musician: This shit is out of tune.
Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.
Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?
Quality Control Inspector: This shit ain't good enough.
IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.
Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.
Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.
Mafia boss: Rub the little shits out.
NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit..
275-
The project manager walks into his boss' office and says, "Here is the bottom line budget needed for the success of the project."
The boss says, "What can you do for half the money?"
The project manager says, "Fail."
The boss says, "When can you get started?"
The project manager says, "I think I just did."
276-
The youth objected to war. "Why should they make me fight another fellow in another land, one that I don't even know?"
His listener soon clarified the situation. "They don't MAKE you fight the other guy... they don't even ASK you to fight the other man. They simply put you into a uniform and take you to another place and put a gun in your hand. Then they put you opposite the enemy, who's also got a gun... then they let you use your own judgment."
277-
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cart ons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
DREMEL R Tool: A very useful tool for modelers which allows them to make more mistakes much faster, thereby turning $100 kits into spare parts, and completely justifying the purchase of another $100 kit.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2x4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
278-
Mary: Did you hear that Linda got a great new job?
Jill: Really? I wish I could do that. I'd like a change for the better.
Mary Well, you can always do what she did.
Jill: What's that?
Mary: Don't wear panties to the interview.
279-
Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday: Do you have a co-worker who talks
non-stop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow:
* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* CURSING IS ALL BUT MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your "assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid <fill in the blank> always messing up stuff!"
* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a great day.
280-
A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
281-
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from your Consultant
You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".
How about paying us based on the success of the project?
This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.
282-
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't need any one," they replied. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing." "We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two cheques, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy. "How in the world did you do that," they asked. "I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime." "Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him. "What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's." "That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?" "Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!"
283-
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tyre blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.
The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem."
The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."
The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"
284-
Excuses for Being Late for Work
"Actually, I've been here for over 20 minutes, big guy -- I was just out chillin' in the van waiting for the end of the live version of 'Freebird'."
"I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you're on."
"We're *open* on Tuesdays?!?"
"It took this long to get the ol' blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit."
"I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge."
"My proctologist got stuck."
"I'm late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy shipping department to send the company's office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction."
"Hey, time becomes meaningless when you're as strung out on crystal meth as I am."
"Sorry, sir. I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humourless baboon for a boss."
"Heidi Klum refused to untie me."
"On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial- strength anti-canker sore gel."
"I'm sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you -- uh -- this box of ten donuts."
"It took me a little longer than normal to hide my disdain this morning... Sir."
"My dog ate my presentation, sir. And by 'my dog' I mean your wife, and by 'ate my presentation' I mean 'was bonking me'."
"These are not the 'droids you're looking for."
285-
A farmer hitched his blue-ribbon-winning bull to a
plough and started to work his back forty. A neighbour happened by and asked, "Isn't that your prize bull you have pulling that
plough?"
"Sure is," answered the farmer.
"Well, why do you have him ploughing instead of putting him out to stud?"
"I want to teach him that life ain't all play."
286-
The Wonderful Wacky World of Management.
Knowledge is power. Why should you know what we have to do, even if ‘we’ is really ‘you’, just because I don’t know how?
Activity is important; achievement is optional, that’s why he gets away with drinking like a fish: every morning he tells his boss what he will do; meeting reformatting development cold calling whatever; it means he has time to drink.
If you never think outside the box, you will never get the blame - unless you are off ill when blame’s being handed out!
Saying ‘the right thing’ to the boss is better than saying the right thing for the company.
Blamestorming is the best use of your time ever.
If your budget next year is the same as it is this year, plus inflation, you’ll never build an empire!
Communication is two-way; I speak, you hear.
I require all these reports to show how important I am I am so important, I don’t need the information in them.
We must proceduralize processes, so that I know when you are doing it wrong.
I am so important that I must spend time even in meetings, answering emails, especially when you are talking at me.
We have to have an outcome that is above expectations – so, what is the least expectation that we can get away with?
Send me documents that are correctly formatted, and wherein colons are correctly used, and I will be happy for my boss only looks at the formatting, and colon use: not the content.
Working Breakfasts, Meetings, Lunch Dates, Afternoon Tie-ups, Emergency Groupages, Brain-storming Sessions, Evening Bonding Outings, Seminars, Conferences, Colloquia, Exploratory Fora, Policy Week-ends, Strategic Retreats and Summits Abroad play my cards right, and I may never need to work again.
Deadlines are mutable; leaving time is not wrong! It’s vice versa.
Ensure that nothing is traceable change job titles and functions every spring and autumn; change Departmental names and reporting lines every summer and winter; never ever repeat a title, unless it’s for someone in a function that is completely different.
External certification will show people how good we are; all we need is to be a good customer of theirs, and we’ll get all sorts of certification ISO 9000, 14000, 18000, 22000, 23000, 25000 and 29000 we just need procedures in place!
Don’t confuse me with facts, or the law what is a politically acceptable solution for HQ?
Travel broadens the mind, so the Company flies senior managers round the world, like visiting firemen; it surely broadens their butts, and adds to global warming, but does not do one iota for the Company’s shareholders!
You have independence; the independence to fail and I’ll take any credit.
Last week’s ‘must-do’ project was Top Management’s Top Priority; yesterday’s is the Board’s Number One, and today’s will be of Utmost Importance and Urgency, to Our Director. None will get done because tomorrow, there will be a CEO’s Imperative, succeeded by a President’s Diktat, followed by – well, you get the picture.
Why scream at me today that you didn’t know something, when I told you last week, last month and probably last year. You want information read the emails you demand be copied to you, read the reports we cube dwellers slave over for your delectation; read them!
287-
Metaphors for Stupidity; some original: one here for every fool you have to work with
1. 404.
2. Dubya.
3. Blonde.
4. Has a Y chromosome.
5. Knuckle-dragger.
6. Einstein he ain’t!
7. Geordie wazzock.
8. All foam, no beer.
9. As smart as bait.
10. Chimney's clogged.
11. Lukewarm IQ.
12. Skylight leaks a little.
13. Not as smart as his own spittle.
14. A few fraudsters short of a political party.
15. Bright as a fossil glow-worm.
16. Glove puppets outsmart him.
17. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
18. Three vowels short of an alphabet.
19. Sharp as a bag of wet mice.
20. Catching a virus trebles his IQ.
21. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
22. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
23. He’s quite like love, which, of course, is a cupid stunt.
24. She has the ready wit of dried salamander.
25. Three of him couldn’t out-think a gerbil.
26. Receiver is off the hook.
27. His chandelier is missing too many bulbs.
28. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
29. Clearly at least one sandwich and an ants’ nest short of a real picnic.
30. She thinks the characters in Coronation Street are real.
31. He thinks the characters in Sesame Street are real!
32. Uses his head to keep his ears apart.
33. Probably the brightest creature on the planet, if you exclude chordates, and octopi, and bees
34. IQ up with room temperature, maybe, if we’re all wearing about three pullovers.
35. He has most of the cans for a six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy that holds them all together.
36. Intellectually, somewhere between a cactus and a small pile of sharp sand.
37. Lights are on, but nobody’s home.
38. Three courses and coffee short of a good meal out.
39. Space cadet only without the little wireless aerial.
40. Back of the queue when brains were served.
41. Like a V-8 running on just three cylinders, and one of them is misfiring badly.
42. The wheels spin, but the truck doesn’t move.
43. Smarter than the average bear although he shaves, so is supposed to be human.
44. What seems to be speech is actually amplified friction between her few brain cells.
45. Could sell her brains for b-i-g money they’re guaranteed unused!
46. If you compare his brains with those of a starfish, be warned - the starfish will sue.
47. Think of a little plastic pencil sharpener, but without the blade that sharp!
48. His orchestra lacks the brass and the percussion sections.
49. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
50. An idiot studying to become an imbecile.
51. Will shortly be going to the University full time in a specimen jar.
52. You can move his mouse, but his lead’s not plugged in.
53. Amongst the stars of the intellectual firmament, a cerebral brown dwarf.
54. His team lacks a quarterback - and a wide receiver!
55. No striker, no keeper!
56. He had an idea, once, and never stops burbling about it!
57. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
58. He is to thought what the French are to personal hygiene.
59. Couple of sticks short of a campfire.
60. Like a stick for stirring paint; a bit adheres, but to no useful effect.
61. Leaves his brain at home, in case over-exposure makes it vanish.
62. Nearly as much use as a chocolate chisel.
63. Clearly from the shallow end of the gene pool.
64. Thick as two short planks.
65. All the brain-power of a dust bunny.
66. Al Gore is a tree-hugger; this man is a tree-imitator.
67. About as bright as a bag of breadcrumbs but not mouldy ones, ‘cos they have culture!
68. Music is playing, but the carousel horses remain motionless.
69. Like a bowling ball with no holes.
70. When brains were being given out, I guess he was queuing for, maybe, custard powder.
71. Trying to teach him anything is like trying to push wet spaghetti up a drainpipe, blindfolded.
72. If he laughs today, it’s at a joke that he heard last week.
73. He who laughs last, didn’t really get the joke. And she hardly ever laughs at all
74. Smarter than road kill? Nah, I don’t think so!
75. He is probably unique, in that his IQ is actually exceeded by his collar size.
76. It always surprises me that he manages to get into work each day, I mean, it’s across a road and all!
77. His intelligence is like that of a shoal of fish; fortunately, there are not half a million of him!
78. You could amuse him for hours, just by giving him a piece of paper with ‘P.T.O.’ written on each side.
79. Several matches short of a full box.
80. Intellectually out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
81. His mind’s a sort of Mobius strip keeps going on, but never gets anywhere.
82. A bit brighter, and he’ll count as a non-human companion animal.
83. Name, Rank, and Number is all he can remember and then only if it’s an easy number.
84. At school, had to look inside his coat collar to remember his own name.
85. He’d never start work if you lined up three shovels against the wall, and said ‘Take your pick
86. Uses his head as somewhere to keep his glasses handy.
87. If he were on a bike, you’d think he was a dope peddler.
88. Say, he’s easy as sharp as a banana skin.
89. Why is he here? He’s depriving some deserving picturesque country village of its very own idiot!
90. Pond-life? Nah, no way is she that bright.
91. Fresh from winning the Grand Centennial World-wide Special Edition of Spot the Moron!
92. He gives F-Troop a bad name for seriously slow thought processes.
93. Voted the retard’s retard, for the fourth successive year!
94. You’d get better answers from tapioca that had been left in the sun.
95. Show him a taped horse race three times; fourth time he’d still back a loser.
96. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.
97. Several choccies short of the box with a bow.
98. Not too bright for a human? He’s not too bright for a vertebrate!
99. In the boiling cauldron of 21st century intellectual ferment, he’s the scummy tepid patch in the corner.
100. Not actually slow, as such, just has substantial difficulties adjusting to reality in real time.
101. Couldn’t cope with the intellectual demands of a vocation as a sperm donor.
102. Have a laugh get him drunk, put him in a barrel, and tell him to pee in the corner!
103. Throw him onto a fire you surely will have to tell him to get off!
104. Motor is running, but the stick-shift is stuck in neutral.
105. He must be happy he simply can’t find room in his head for thought let alone worries.
106. His maths is better than a Battenberg cake’s. No? Well, how does ‘sometimes better’ sound?
107. Has to look up his arse to see if he’s got his hat on.
108. We all wonder at the moon rising once, when we’re, like, five. He’s still doing it at thirty-one.
109. Couldn’t beat a cigar store Indian at Snap.
110. To think that he is the result of the brightest and best and fastest sperm in that particular ejaculation …
111. Hasn’t quite got the hang of cartoons thinks the Mutant Ninja Turtles are real!
112. She’s doing a meteorology degree and still can’t see why a weather cock doesn’t wear a condom.
113. He cheats at clock patience, and still loses.
114. She did Tony Blair’s joined up thinking for him, which is why everything turned to ratshit.
115. Academical? He’s not even Hamilton Academicals, I’m afraid.
116. Hopes to be reincarnated as a dragon: on brains, he’ll be jolly lucky to make it back as a mayfly.
117. His jukebox seeks a disc, and will do for all eternity.
118. Considered to have advanced higher-grade alternative intellectual abilities.
119. Thick as pig shit.
120. Thinks the Stations of the Cross are found on the Jerusalem Metro.
121. I don’t think he could see the point of a rapier if you stuck it in him.
122. Probably wouldn’t recognise a good idea if it bit him. Probably wouldn’t recognise an idea - at all . . .
123. He can’t do maths but neither can a fruit fly; and the latter has a better chance of guessing right.
124. His pack of cards is missing everything above a trey!
125. The organ is playing, but the pews are empty.
126. Thinks Winnie-the-Pooh and Attila-the-Hun are related, because they have the same middle name.
127. About as smart as dysentery.
128. He once nearly beat a wood louse at noughts-and-crosses.
129. A few clowns short of a circus.
130. Gives the impression he’s been losing boxing matches since he was four years old.
131. He was chiselled out of his retirement savings by a chipmunk.
132. On those Top Trump cards “Height - 7’1; Weight - 185 lb; Reach - 93; Goals - 134; Cups 2; IQ n/a
133. As switched on as an Iron Age hammer.
134. Not exactly a bobby-dazzler, brain-wise.
135. Feet are for dancing, head is for thinking, eh? I just hope he can fucking dance!
136. Brain of Britain? I don’t think so more like Brian of Britain.
137. A truly towering intellect, were he only in a country of anacephalic idiots.
138. Thicker than that which comes from the south end of a northbound cow.
139. If wishes were fishes, he’d probably swim with his mouth open, after about a month.
140. God, he’s not even bright enough to be a professional footballer!
141. On a day out in the countryside, he has to keep moving, in case they harvest him.
142. Thinks you can only eat a cottage pie if you live in a cottage; & really struggles with birds-nest soup!
143. As smart as a tree sloth? I don’t think so.
144. If he were a bit quicker, lichen probably wouldn’t grow on him it might not catch him!
145. His brain did a no-show forty years ago, and has been a creature of habit ever since.
146. When he’s a little older, he’ll be a scheduled Ancient Monument that’s how quick he is!
147. Has a brain like a Klein Bottle never has anything stuck inside it.
148. Has a brain the size of a planet if they have planets the size of peas.
149. No, that’s not a seeing-eye dog he has - it’s a thinking-brain dog.
150. If he had another brain cell, it would be mighty lonely.
151. She is seemingly irrefutable proof that evolution CAN go in reverse, quite quickly!
152. Seems bright enough, until you compare him with the family pet.
153. The concrete mixer is turning, but nothing will be poured.
154. His copy of Office is missing Access, and Word.
155. His IQ would completely vanish if you eliminated the rounding error.
156. He thinks he’s in love with the girl on the test card.
157. Saying he’s quite thick is like saying light is quite quick!
158. He’s no brighter than the spell-cheque on mi pee-see!
159. Has an IQ of 12 - it takes 23 to grunt, 26 to fart, and 31 to shift your fat ass along the couch!
160. If the battle of brains is like a Formula 1 race, she’s a little old lady on a push-bike, with a puncture.
161. Thinks Shirley Temple is a West Midlands synagogue.
162. She can’t understand why the Lincoln Memorial is not in Nebraska.
163. He matched his IQ and his shoe size - by cutting his toes off.
164. When you see him, you know where the very first headless chicken learnt its craft!
165. Superman hardly: he bumps into tall buildings, and can, if pushed, make noises like a locomotive . . .
166. Can’t read without moving her lips.
167. That’s someone you’ll never see with a thought-bubble overhead!
168. He thinks almost twice as quickly as your pet rock, though maybe not as well.
169. Has a bit bigger vocabulary that his parrot, and is almost as smart, too.
170. A half-full sample bottle is brighter than he is; so is a half-empty one!
171. If you shake his head and it rattles, he hasn’t cleaned his ears for a month.
172. Thinks Sherlock Holmes is a nationwide chain of retirement homes for old detectives.
173. This is the Information Age and he is a blank sheet of paper, an empty file.
174. If he was a radio station, he would play the same two notes, ‘Pleng, Pleng, Pling’, interminably.
175. Dim? Well, he thinks a laptop is a superior form of girl friend.
176. He can’t understand why anyone would want to shoot J.R.
177. She thinks fellatio is when her date turns up.
178. He thinks blueprints are a sort of down-market porn.
179. Couple of cancer sticks short of a packet of fags.
180. Neanderthal? Compared with those bulgy-brains, he’s still dripping primeval ooze!
181. She thinks Sponge-Bob Squarepants is real, and wants to marry him get this: she is twenty-nine!
182. If you’re wearing elevator shoes, he thinks it’s illegal for you to use the stairs in forty-two states.
183. The muscles of Thor, the brains of a cold sore.
184. To be kept for showing not breeding!
185. As bright as the bugs on your bumper.
186. As smart as the sheep on your sweater.
187. All the wit and wisdom of a plastic tea-stirrer.
188. Apparently thinks IQ in a description of getting in line.
189. Think of him as a Sousaphone - makes lots of deep noises, but can’t understand darts.
190. She thinks haute cuisine is a burger joint up in the Appalachians.
191. Hasn’t raised his mind above his gonads since puberty
192. His idea of multitasking is chugging beer at a strip-club where they have backing music.
193. Her idea of multitasking is swigging a Bacardi Breezer, and puffing a joint, whilst getting shagged.
194. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
195. Like a flowerpot might get something out if you fill it with shit, seed it, and leave it in the rain for months.
196. He and his twin, together, are the exact intellectual equivalent of a small furry animal, left dead in the gutter.
197. Dunno about count, or read, but he can lift heavy weights.
198. Thinks macjobs are only for Scots.
199. When she was expecting him, his Mum was outed as a Dope Carrier.
200. Dick-headed Donkey-imitator.
201. I said he can out-drink a fish, not out-think it!
202. No thoughts; mostly reactions, like an amoeba - plus assorted unpleasant odours.
203. Not the fastest car on the grid.
204. He’d still be slow if he were wired directly to the National Grid.
205. He can’t see anything wrong with the Old York!
206. Thinks 81.075 is soixante-neuf, plus V.A.T.
207. Thinks helicopters are fans, for cooling the Earth and slowing global warming.
208. Doesn’t see the difference between going Dutch and going Greek they’re both abroad!
209. Sex is good for you, so are salads; so he thinks that rabbits should live for ever.
210. His mind is like the inside of his pillow full of fluffy things that don’t add up to an idea.
211. Bright? Well, let’s say he can’t work out why a fridge light goes off when you close the door.
212. Him and a slug have, between them, got the brains of a slug.
213. The conductor is waving his arms, but the orchestra is mute.
214. Not the biggest prize in the lottery.
215. She’s about as smart as a man with a hard-on.
216. Always butters his bread on the wrong side for the jam.
217. Having brains may not be everything but it is streets ahead of whatever he’s got.
218. Waiting for a sensible answer from him is less exciting than watching warm broth cool, on a hot day.
219. He’ll get it right on a cold day in hell.
220. As President Lyndon Johnson said Can’t walk and chew gum at the same time.
221. As P.G. Wodehouse once said about as much brain as would fit comfortably in an aspirin bottle.
222. As Tommy Copper said - he saw a beggar with a sign ‘I haven’t had a bite in three days’ so he bit him.
223. As Dear Bill says, about as much use as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest.
224. [Old English Traditional] She thinks Muffin the Mule is a criminal offence.
288-
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
289-
Damn! Damn! DAMN!
290-
Email Abbreviations Defined
Abbreviation #1: whrthfckuben?
Previously long phrase: "Goodness, it's been a long time since we've chatted, hasn't it?"
Abbreviation #2: utypliksht
Previously long phrase: "Say, have you heard that there is a new Evelyn Wood's speed-typing course?"
Abbreviation #3: ugoturhdupyrass?
Previously long phrase: "Are you sure about that?"
Abbreviation #4: sowenugtoutofjail?
Previously long phrase: "So, what have you been up to lately, Bugs?"
Abbreviation #5: tkurabbrevsandshuvem
Previously long phrase: "Wouldn't you rather just type the whole phrase out?"
291-
"Miss Johnson. I see under 'Experience' you only have clerical type work listed," said the executive. "Why exactly do you feel you're qualified to manage a department store such as ours?"
"Easy..." the pert lil' blonde replied. "At least twice a week, my former boss would call me into his private office and give me the business."
292-
Out of Office Reply:-
"I will be back in the office June 22 from 3.00am to 4.30am, trying to erase certain financial transactions from my hard drive. From June 22 through June 23, I will be checking my BlackBerry periodically to see whether company accountants have begun to pick up the trail."
293-
The Software Development Cycle
1. Order the T-shirts for the Development team
2. Announce availability
3. Write the code
4. Write the manual
5. Hire a Product Manager
6. Spec the software (Writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications.)
7. Ship
8. Test (The customers are a big help here.)
9. Identify bugs as potential enhancements
10. Announce the upgrade program
However, when the software development manager saw the above he responded:-
Complete lies!
There's no way item 1 would be so early in the cycle, as it would "let the cat out of the bag"... developers aren't allowed to hear about a new project until after the marketing brochures have been printed and the first sale has been made.
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IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this e-mail in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.
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Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
@ PRISON @ WORK
You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
You spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle
You get three meals a day fully paid for
You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it
You get time off for good behaviour
You get more work for good behaviour
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself
You can watch TV and play games
You could get fired for watching TV and playing games
You get your own toilet
You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat
They allow your family and friends to visit
You aren't even supposed to speak to your family
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners, and welfare
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
You must deal with sadistic wardens
They are called managers
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Company Car Truisms
1. It accelerates at a phenomenal rate.
2. It has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
3. It can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
4. The battery , radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
5. The floor is cunningly designed to double as an ashtray.
6. It does not need to be kept under shelter at night.
7. It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
8. It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
9. The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.
10. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.
11. It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
12. It is the only type of car able to leave the road in game reserves and chase after animals in the bush for a closer look.
13. It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
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I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
" If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge."
"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items."
"Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer
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Here are some good dares.
ONE-POINT DARE
1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
5. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.
THREE-POINT DARES
1. Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, "dagnamit, it's happened again!". Then do it again.
7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then wink and pout.
8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any pornography web sites.
FIVE-POINT DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
5. When you've picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ''she can abort it for all I care''.
6. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"
9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.
11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
14. Sign or pp all letters with your initials and a swastika.
15. Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll see you tonight".
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Jill was using a power strip to plug her computer and other devices into. Windows was completely frozen, and she was unable to shut down the machine by using the power button. She phoned for computer help and mentioned the power strip to tech support.
The tech told her to flip it off.
Jill said, "Ok, I gave it the finger. I feel much better. Now what do I do?"
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My friend Bill is still out there job hunting. He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application and gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M'.
He says he never knows which to choose -- He says he really likes to 'F', but he spends most of the time alone 'M'-ing.
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A customer wanted to ask the attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," said the waitress, "I'm sorry. I thought you wanted more coffee!"
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Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!
A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'
ANZ: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
ANZ: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
ANZ: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
ANZ: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?'
ANZ: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
ANZ: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
ANZ: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)
ANZ: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' ( fax number is given )
After they get the fax:
ANZ: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'
ANZ: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
ANZ: 'That might help.'
Family Member: ' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 1049.'
ANZ: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'Well, what the Fuck do you do with dead people on your planet?'
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Signs and Labels Spotted ...
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.
"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.
"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.
"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.
"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty."-- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.
"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.
* On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: "Blackened bluefish"
* In a Maine restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."
* On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
* On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church"
* Outside a country shop in West Virginia: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
* In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"
* A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: "Do not activate with wet hands."
* In a New York restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."
* In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
* In downtown Boston: "Callahan Tunnel - NO END"
* On a Tennessee highway: "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
* On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: "No trespassing without permission."
* In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
* Sign on road: 'MEN SHOULD BE WORKING.'
* Sign in shoe shop window: 'COME IN AND HAVE A GOOD FIT.'
* Sign at soft drink stand: 'THIRST COME; THIRST SERVED.'
* Sign in a barber shop: 'I TRIM EVERYONE.'
* Billboard on road: 'BELT YOUR FAMILY AND SAVE THEIR LIVES.'
* On a tombstone: 'I EXPECTED THIS BUT NOT QUITE YET.'
* Sign on a bench: 'WET PAINT. WATCH IT OR WEAR IT.'
* Sign on a garage: 'DON'T SMOKE AROUND THE GASOLINE TANK. IF YOUR LIFE ISN'T WORTH ANYTHING GASOLINE IS!'
* In a shoe shop: 'ONE SHOE SHINED FREE.' and 'WE SAVE SOLES.'
* Merchandise wanted ad: 'PIANO WANTED BY LADY WITH MAHOGANY LEG.'
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Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1 TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the
fuck you're doing.
Number 2 TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go -getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a fucking
bitch.
Number 3 TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
Number 4 TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
Number 5 TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
Number 6 TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a
shit.
Number 7 TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my
fucking problem.
Number 8 TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
Number 9 TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
Number 10 TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11 TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his
arse.
Number 12 TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
Number 13 TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my arse.
Number 14 TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
Number 15 TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your
arse.
Number 16 TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This fucking job sucks.
Number 17 TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?
Number 18 TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
Thank you, Human Resources
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"CLARIFICATION OF THE CORPORATE STRUCTURE"
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
ls more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Talks with God
PRESIDENT
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God if special request is approved
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT
Leaps short buildings with a running start and
favourable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Can fire a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Is occasionally addressed by God
VICE PRESIDENT
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury
Swims well
Talks to animals
MANAGER
Makes high marks on the wall when
trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a locomotive
Is not issued ammunition
Dog paddles
Talks to walls
SUPERVISOR
Runs into buildings
Recognizes a locomotive two out of three times
Wets himself with a water pistol
Can't stay afloat without a life preserver
Mumbles to himself
SECRETARY
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She is God
306-
Nothing that matters is Free
There was a Chemistry professor in a large college that had some Exchange students in the class.
One day while the class was in the lab the Prof noticed one young man (exchange student) who kept rubbing his back And stretching as if his back hurt.
The professor asked the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and install a new communist government.
In the midst of his story he looked at the professor and asked a strange question. He asked,
'Do you know how to catch wild pigs?'
The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line. The young man said this was no joke.
'You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come everyday to eat the free corn.
When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence.
They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in... The last side.
The pigs, who are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat, you slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd.
Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how
to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity.
The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening to America.
The government keeps pushing us toward Communism/Socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc. while we continually lose our freedoms- just a little at a time.
One should always remember 'There is no such thing as a free Lunch!'
Also, 'You can never hire someone to provide a service for you cheaper than you can do it yourself.
Also, if you see that all of this wonderful government 'help' is a problem confronting the future of democracy in America, you might want to send this on to your friends. If you think the free ride is essential to your way of life then you will probably not send it but God help you when the gate slams shut!
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The Marine General's inspection visit could not have gone better. The General himself was personally skilled with firing weapons and, in the past, had won every marksman award the Marines had to offer. While working with one Marine, the General quizzed him how many rounds should be fired at one time. "SIR! Six to eight, SIR." "Very good, Marine. How do you calibrate that weapon to fire six to eight rounds?" The Marine hesitated a little bit, then said, "SIR! Would you be offended if I told you how we calibrate our weapons when I was in the Fleet Marine Force?" "No, of course not, son." "SIR! We pull the trigger and say, 'Die, mother fucker, die,' as it takes 6 to 8 rounds to say that."
308-
Definitions Of Office Designations ...
1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.
3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6) Resource Optimisation Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
309-
Today's Corporate Observation
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
310-
Tips On Building A
Resumé.
Here's some advice to build the resumé that will get you hired!
THE NAME: Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith -- now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.
THE ADDRESS: Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails.
Any place in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!
THE PHONE NUMBER: Skip it. What are the odds they'll call -- 1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a
resumé unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two.
THE AMBITION STATEMENT: Forget the ambition statement. You know what I mean:
"Seeking a challenging IS position using state-of-the-art technology in a high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is doing neat things for the environment." A better idea is to tell them what you're NOT seeking. "Not seeking a job where I'm paying my dues for eight years, maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes every other night, slaving for some horrible boss and
grovelling in the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way into a lower management position, only to have the company lay off 40% of its work force so that I wind up in some non-critical, low-paying, dead-end, back-office position."
EDUCATION: Don't be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s. Be proud of where you go to school and play it straight. But just to be on the safe side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a prestigious school. Until they respond, you're not lying if you list under your education credits: "BA in Watersports Administration, Massatucky State, 1993... and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear Computer Simulation
Modelling Fellowship Program, MIT."
EXPERIENCE: Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience. But don't mention that you've invested in your own relational database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system... Everybody's done that stuff. I'm talking about hands-on experience: high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So if you're a little light in the experience area, don't tell lies. Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at Food Giant, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-code inventory scanning system." "Conducted usability testing for graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too much Nintendo."
THE CLOSE: "References furnished upon request?" What kind of power-close is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation: Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line they'll remember, like "Please, please give me a job. And by the way, I know where you live."
311-
A young man turns up at a warehouse looking for a job.
"Can you make tea?" says the foreman.
"Yes".
Can you drive a forklift?
"How big is this fucking teapot!?"
312-
Gary has had a tremendous year selling life assurance policies and is asked by one of his colleagues for the secret to his success. Gary replies, "After I outline the benefits of life assurance, I go into costs. And if the prospect then seems to be undecided, I say to him, ‘OK, I understand that you might need some time to think it over, so why don’t you sleep on it. Then let me know what you think tomorrow morning - if you wake up, that
is.’
313-
A boss gives his gorgeous secretary an expensive fur coat as a Christmas present.
As she is admiring herself in the mirror her boss looks her up and down and says "your knickers are coming down"
Embarrassed she quickly looks down to check.
"No they're not" she replies relieved.
"They are, or the coat goes back to the fucking shop"
314-
Science Info
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons,
5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.
Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.
315-
A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water. The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar. Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced. "Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."
316-
When the well-moulded secretary entered her boss' office one morning, he looked out the window and announced idly, "It's certainly going to be a beautiful day."
"I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The weather forecast is for snow."
"It's not going to snow," contradicted the exec. "I'll lay you twelve to one."
I'd rather not," she remarked. "That's my lunch hour."
317-
MAKING YOUR REPAIR MAN FEEL WELCOME
1. Do not call for service until everyone that uses the machine has had a chance to correct the problem. Whenever possible, all controls and adjusting screws should be turned.
2. After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best but anytime after 4 pm is fine.
3. The minute the serviceman arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it clear how desperately you need the machine and ask when it will be back in service.
4. The machine should be practically inaccessible due to boxes of recycled computer paper and cards. Make certain that the lights are off in the room where the machine is located and no one is
in the area that knows how to turn them on. Always have one or two half-cups of coffee lying about.
5. Hide the service history log. Keep making reference to the man who was here for the same problem last week.
6. Alert all personnel that the serviceman has arrived so that each one can drop by and give their version of what is wrong, and provide suggestions on how to fix it.
7. Have at least eight graduate engineers drop by to ask highly technical questions which are in no way related to the immediate problem.
8. Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never seen the machine before is preferred. And one who can keep up a steady stream of chatter is a plus.
9. Wait until there are parts and pieces spread out all over the floor, then ask when the machine will be ready.
10. Wait until the service man is looking at a schematic diagram and then ask him "what that thingamabob is for." After you have his attention, ask again when it will be fixed and mention that "time is money, you know."
11. When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Tell him the job should be swell-- it took long enough.
12. Ask the serviceman what the rates are, and then ask for a discount because you are such a good customer.
13. After he is gone, call his supervisor and say the machine is worse now than before. Follow up with a letter and copies to the home office.
14. Follow these rules faithfully and remember the serviceman's motto: "DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY CAN DO IT TO YOU."
15. Computer hardware is like an erect penis: It stays up if you don't fuck with it.
318-
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over.
"Your hard drive crashed," he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say so. How do you know that's the problem"?
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away"
319-
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."
320-
A man had just returned from a weeklong seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible.
"Well..." said the man, "I met this blonde and turned out she was taking the same training I was and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."
"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?"
"Well..." said the man, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying with remorse, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."
"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?"
"Well..." said the man, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."
321-
As an executive vice-president, my father was scheduled to meet with the board of directors of the large advertising agency where he worked. It was Thanksgiving eve, and he and my mother had exchanged numerous phone calls all day to arrange for the arrival of family members from far away. Their plan finally set, Dad made his way to the meeting. Meanwhile, Mom had come up with a better plan. She called my dad at work and insisted that his secretary deliver the message to him immediately. The secretary entered the boardroom and announced, "Excuse me, Mr. Harbert, but your wife just called with an urgent message. She said to tell you that she's figured out a new way to do it."
322-
Subject: How To Handle Irritating Passengers on a Plane
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you follow these instructions:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start up your laptop.
4. Make sure the dude who is annoying you can see the screen of your laptop.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head upwards to the sky and move your lips like you are praying.
6. Then hit THIS
LINK
323-
The manager of a superstore was making mad passionate love to his secretary on his office desk, when unexpectedly, in walked the managing director of the company.
"Do you know who I am?" bellowed the MD.
The manager stopped what he was doing, turned round, stared at the MD, and sharply replied: "I don't freakin' believe it! You're the third bloke this week that's walked into my office suffering from amnesia!"
324-
They say prostitution is the oldest profession.
That's bullshit..................how could men have paid for sex if they didn't have jobs?
325-
My friend is the manager at a grocery store. Recently, he nabbed a shoplifter in the act. While escorting the suspect to the office at the front of the store (near the cash registers), the shoplifter broke free from his grip and attempted a brazen escape.
I should mention that my friend was an all-county linebacker in high school, so it was with little effort that he brought the shoplifter down with a tackle. He pinned the guy against the pickle display, then looked up to see a number of surprised shoppers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than nine items!"
326-
The man in charge of the luggage at Terminal 5 at Heathrow has been sacked and awaiting trial at court with another 28,000 cases to be taken into account
327-
A woman walks into her boss's office with this complaint:
"All the other women in the office are suing you for sexual harassment.
"Since you haven't sexually harassed me, I'm suing you for discrimination."
328-
Jenny, an aspiring young actress, made the rounds of producers' offices for months before finally landing a part in a police movie.
The first day's shooting called for her to be thrown from a speeding car and tumble into a stack of garbage cans.
On the second day, she was set on fire and thrown from a third floor window.
On the third day, she was beat up by the villain and dumped into the sewage-laden river.
Wearily, she dragged herself from the water and limped to the production office.
"Listen," she managed to stammer. "Who do I have to sleep with to get out of this movie?"
329-
I had my work appraisal yesterday.
The boss said that "there is no I in team" to which I replied "but there is a U in cunt."
330-
I work in a great office. As far as me and the lads are concerned, "harass" is still two words...
331-
Virus warning
You may have seen this warning, I guessed it important enough to be sure, hope it helps......
The US Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to your friends. If you do not have any friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
332-
"How To Inspire Confidence And Dynamism In Your Work Force"
Fire well liked members of staff, offer no explanation and pretend they never existed.
Hire a load of new people and on no account introduce the new people to the rest of the team, or explain what they are here to do.
Continually change your mind about what you want your staff to do, preferably right at the last minute, or even better, after the work has been completed.
Carefully cultivate a culture of fear, paranoia and intense stress in the office at all times.
Cultivate a strict clique based hierarchy and ensure the important people do not lower themselves to socialise or mix with the lower orders.
If the lower orders do start to have fun on their own, tell them to grow up and order them to stop drinking and being so childish.
Bully and intimidate inexperienced members of the work force and make them feel personally responsible for any failures.
Refuse to pay for a cleaner and make the lowest ranking and lowest paid of the team clean the toilets.
Ensure that all your staff are constantly wondering who is next for the chop.
333-
I feel that I was unjustly sacked from my job yesterday.
My boss felt that having sex with the clients wasn't "appropriate" so he fired me.
That's the last time I work for an undertaker.
334-
The best thing about being a vet is, I can make a woman show me her pussy then send her husband the bill!
335-
A friend is teaching an introductory biology class at a local university. The topic last week was mammals, and she was preparing a Power Point slide show with images of various animals to illustrate the huge diversity of the mammals. Of course the obvious place to look for images is on the Internet, and she had great success with searches for "armadillo photos" and "whale photos" and "monkey photos." Then she made her mistake: she did a search for "beaver
photos".
336-
I just got a raise at work.
That's the last time I go on porn during my break
337-
50 office-speak phrases you love to hate
1. "When I worked for Verizon, I found the phrase going forward to be more sinister than annoying. When used by my boss - sorry, "team leader" - it was understood to mean that the topic of conversation was at an end and not be discussed again."
Nima Nassefat, Vancouver, Canada
2. "My employers (top half of FTSE 100) recently informed staff that we are no longer allowed to use the phrase brain storm because it might have negative connotations associated with fits. We must now take idea showers . I think that says it all really."
Anonymous, England
3. At my old company (a US multinational), anyone involved with a particular product was encouraged to be a product evangelist . And software users these days, so we hear, want to be platform atheists so that their computers will run programs from any manufacturer."
Philip Lattimore, Thailand
4. " Incentivise is the one that does it for me."
Karl Thomas, Perth, Scotland
5. "My favourite which I hear from the managers at the bank I work for is let's touch base about that offline . I think it means have a private chat but I am still not sure."
Gemma, Wolverhampton, England
6. "Have you ever heard the term loop back which means go back to an associate and deal with them?"
Scott Reed, Lakeland, Florida, US
7-8. "We used to collect the jargon used in a list and award the person with the most at the end of the year. The winner was a client manager with the classic you can't turn a tanker around with a speed boat change . What? Second was we need a holistic, cradle-to-grave approach , whatever that is."
Turner, Manchester
9. "Until recently I had to suffer working for a manager who used phrases such as the idiotic I've got you in my radar in her speech, letters and e-mails. Once, when I mentioned problems with the phone system, she screamed 'NO! You don't have problems, you have challenges'. At which point I almost lost the will to live."
Stephen Gradwick, Liverpool
10. "You can add challenge to the list. Problems are no longer considered problems, they have morphed into challenges."
Irene MacIntyre, Courtenay, B
11. "Business speak even supersedes itself and does so with silliness, the shorthand for quick win is now low hanging fruit ."
Paul, Formby, UK
12. "And looking under the bonnet ."
Eve Russell, Edinburgh
13-14. "The business-speak that I abhor is pre-prepare and forward planning . Is there any other kind of preparedness or planning?"
Edward Creswick, Exeter
15-16. "The one that really gets me is pre-plan - there is no such thing. Either you plan or you don't. The new one which has got my goat is conversate , widely used to describe a conversation. I just wish people could learn to 'think outside the box' although when they put us in cubes what do they expect?"
Malcolm, Houston
17. "I work in one of those humble call centres for a bank. Apparently, what we're doing at the moment is sprinkling our magic along the way. It's a call centre, not Hogwarts."
Caroline Garlick, Ayrshire
18. "A pet hate is the utterly pointless expression in this space . So instead of the perfectly adequate 'how can I help?' it's 'how can I help in this space?' Or the classic I heard on Friday, 'How can we help our customers in this space going forward?' I think I may have caught this expression at source, as I've yet to hear it said outside my own working environment. So I'm on a personal crusade to stamp it out before it starts infecting other City institutions. Wish me luck in this space."
Colin, London
19. "The one phrase that inspires a rage in me is from the get-go ."
Andy, Herts
20. "'Going forward' is only half the phrase that gets up my nose - all politicians seem to use the phrase go forward together . 'We must... we shall... let us now... go forward together'. It gives me a terrible mental image of the whole country linking arms and goose-stepping in unison, with the politicians out in front doing a straight-armed salute. Is it just me?"
Frances Smith, Toronto, Canada
21. "I am a financial journalist and am on a mission to remove words and phrases such as 360-degree thinking from existence."
Richard, London
22. "The latest that's stuck in my head is we are still optimistic things will feed through the sales and delivery pipeline (ie: we actually haven't sold anything to anyone yet but maybe we will one day)."
Alexander, Southampton
23. "I worked in PR for many years and often heard the most ludicrous phrases uttered by CEOs and marketing managers. One of the best was, we'd better not let the grass grow too long on this one . To this day it still echoes in my ears and I giggle to myself whenever I think about it. I can't help but think insecure business people use such phrases to cover up their inability for proper articulation."
Leon Reilly, Ealing, London
24. "Need to get all my ducks in a row now - before the five-year-olds wake up."
Mark Dixon, Bridgend
25. "Australians have started to use auspice as a verb. Instead of saying, 'under the auspices of...', some people now say things like, it was auspiced by... "
Martin Pooley, Marrickville, Australia
26. "My favourite: we've got our fingers down the throat of the organisation of that nodule . Translation = Er, no, WE sorted out the problems to cover your backside."
Theo de Bray, Kettering, UK
27. "The health service in Wales is filled with managers who use this type of language as a substitute for original thought. At meetings we play health-speak bingo; counting the key words lightens the tedium of meetings - including, most recently, my door is open on this issue . What does that mean?"
Edwin Pottle, Llandudno
28-29. "The business phrase I find most irritating is close of play , which is only slightly worse than actioning something."
Ellie, London
30. "Here in the US we have the cringe-worthy and also in addition . Then there's the ever-eloquent 'where are we at?' So far, I haven't noticed the UK's at the end of the day prefacing much over here; thank heavens for small mercies."
Eithne B, Chicago, US
31. "The expression that drives me nuts is 110% , usually said to express passion/commitment/support by people who are not very good at maths. This has created something of a cliche-inflation, where people are now saying 120%, 200%, or if you are really REALLY committed, 500%. I remember once the then-chancellor Gordon Brown saying he was 101% behind Tony Blair, to which people reacted 'What? Only 101?'"
Ricardo Molina, London, UK
32. "My least favourite business-speak term is not enough bandwidth . When an employee used this term to refuse an additional assignment, I realised I was completely 'out of the loop'."
April, Berkeley, US
33. "I once had a boss who said, ' You can't have your cake and eat it, so you have to step up to the plate and face the music .' It was in that moment I knew I had to resign before somebody got badly hurt by a pencil."
Tim, Durban
34. " Capture your colleagues - make sure everyone attends that risk management workshop (compulsory common sense training for idiots)."
Anglowelsh, UK
35-37. "We too used to have daily paradigm shifts , now we have stakeholders who must come to the party or be left out, or whatever."
Barry Hicks, Cape Town, RSA
38. "I have taken to playing buzzword bingo when in meetings. It certainly makes it more entertaining when I am feeding it back (or should that be cascading ) at work."
Ian Everett, Bolton
39. "In my work environment it's all cascading at the moment. What they really mean is to communicate or disseminate information, usually downwards. What they don't seem to appreciate is that it sounds like we're being wee'd on. Which we usually are."
LMD, London
40. "At a large media company where I once worked, the head of human resources - itself a weaselly neologism for personnel - told us that she would be cascading down new information to staff. What she meant was she was going to send them a memo. It was one of the reasons I resigned - that, and the fact that the chief exec persisted on referring to the company as a really cool train set ."
Andrew, London
41. "Working for an American corporation, this year's favourite word seems to be granularity , meaning detail. As in 'down to that level of granularity'."
Chris Daniel, Anaco, Venezuela
42. "On the wall of our office we have a large signed certificate, signed by all the senior management team, in which they solemnly promise to leverage their talents, display and inspire 'unyielding integrity', and lots of other pretentious buzz-phrases like that. Clueless, the lot of them."
Chris K, Cheltenham UK
43. "After a reduction in workforce , my university department sent this notice out to confused campus customers: 'Thank you for your note. We are assessing and mitigating immediate impacts, and developing a high-level overview to help frame the conversation with our customers and key stakeholders. We intend to start that process within the week. In the meantime, please continue to raise specific concerns or questions about projects with my office via the Transition Support Center..."
Charles R, Seattle, Washington, US
44. "I was told I'd be living the values from now on by my employers at a conference the other week. Here's some modern language for them - meh. A shame as I strongly believe in much of what my employers aim to do. I refuse to adopt the voluntary sectors' client title of 'service user'. How is someone who won't so much as open the door to me using my service? Another case of using four syllables where one would do."
Upscaled Blue-Sky thinker, Cardiff
45. "Business talk 2.0 is maddening, meaningless, patronising and I despise it."
Doug, London
46. "Lately I've come across the strategic staircase . What on earth is this? I'll tell you; it's office speak for a bit of a plan for the future. It's not moving on but moving up. How strategic can a staircase really be? A lot I suppose, if you want to get to the top without climbing over all your colleagues."
Peter Walters, Cheadle Hulme, UK
47. "When a stock market is down why must we be told it is in negative territory ?"
Phil Linehan, Mexico City, Mexico
48. "The particular phrase I love to hate is drill down , which handily can be used either as an adverb/verb combo or as a compound noun, ie: 'the next level drill-down', sometimes even in the same sentence - a nice bit of multi-tasking."
B, London
49. "Thanks for the impactful article; I especially appreciated the level of granularity. A high altitude view often misses the siloed thinking typical of most businesses. Absent any scheme for incentivitising clear speech, however, I'm afraid we're stuck with biz-speak."
Timothy Denton, New York
50. "It wouldn't do the pinstripers any harm to crack a smile and say what they really felt once in a while instead of trotting out such clinical platitudes. Of course a group of them may need to workshop it first: Wouldn't want to wrongside the demographic ."
Trick Cyclist, Tripoli, Libya
338-
A man goes up to his bosses office and says, "Sir, you got to give me a raise, three other companies are after me."
"Well is that a fact?" his boss asked, "Well which companies would they be?"
The man replies, "The electric, phone and gas companies"
339-
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-y ear olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a. m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. In the 'New army' now, 'Get down and give me ... er .. One.'
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
340-
The prostitute had an appointment with her psychiatrist. When she entered at his office he asked her to lie on the couch.
"If you don't mind," she said, "I've been working all day. Do you mind if I stand?"
One intimate question led to another and the prostitute and her psychiatrist ended up on his couch in a very sexy session.
When it was over they lay silent for a moment and then both said simultaneously, "That will be one hundred dollars, thank you."
341-
Friday is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday: Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!
There are the rules you must follow:
You can only slap one person per hour - no more. You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day. You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant. No weapons are allowed... other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
342-
Gail, the attractive secretary was inclined to brag way too much about her "dates" to suit the other women in the office.
One day, she was going on and on about a Texan who had treated her like a Queen all evening and at the end of the date, gave her 2 hundred dollar bills for "cab fare".
"Imagine that." came a voice from the other side of the filing cabinets, "A hundred-and-eighty dollar tip."
343-
When the waitress came to work, the manager met her at the door.
"Look," he said, "I want you to put on your cutest uniform, fix your hair lovely, see that your makeup is on neat and walk with that extra-sexy walk."
"Something special on?" she asked.
"No," he replied, "The beef is tough."
344-
Paul goes to see his boss one day and says, "My wife Natalie says I should see you. She says I should go up to you and ask for an increase in my salary. She says I’m entitled."
Paul’s boss replies, "Come back tomorrow. I’ll ask my wife if I should give it to you. "
345-
I like to tell dirty jokes at work to help make the time go by.
One time we laughed so much we nearly dropped the coffin!
346-
I got fired at work today.
My boss said my communication skills were awful.
I didn't know what to say to that.
347-
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, the title means nothing! Why, they even have a Vice President of peas at the grocery store, for crying out loud!"
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store to see if his wife was just joking and making fun of his new title.
A clerk answered the phone and Tom said, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen?"
348-
I have just been interviewing people for a post at my work.
The first guy was fresh from university and very eager.
The second guy had a degree and five years experience.
The woman had two degrees and twelve years experience.
Of course I employed the woman, as I only have to pay her half as much.
349-
I had one of those sexual harassment meetings today.
We got a couple of female employees in and all tried to guess their bra size.
350-
An Engineer, a Lawyer and an Accountant are sitting around the table in the pub discussing life, philosophy and stuff, and
eventually the conversation turns to married life.
"I love having a mistress" the lawyer says. "I enjoy the thrill, the excitement, the guilt, and it just makes my marriage that much more bearable."
The engineer looks at the lawyer and says "No. The foundation of marriage is vital to support a happy life. I have never cheated on my wife, and I never will. I have built a partnership with my wife and I prefer being married"
The accountant says "No. You both have it wrong. I have both a wife and a mistress, and they know about each other. This way, the wife thinks I am with the mistress, and the mistress thinks I am with the wife, and I am free to go into the office and get some work done."
351-
Dave irritated everyone in our office. Whether it was the tone of his voice or his condescending attitude, we all steered clear. He must have suspected he was annoying because he asked a co-worker, "Why does everybody take an instant dislike to me ?"
Larry responded, "It saves time."
352-
NEW OFFICE POLICY -
EFFECTIVE October 28, 2008
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes, Versace dresses and carry a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Breaks:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
353-
My boss asked me, "do you believe in life after death and the supernatural?"
"Yes, I think so," I replied.
"I thought you would," he said. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she phoned up to talk to you..."
354-
People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing.
"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available."
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy and arduous tests, often without rest for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.
"It's no joke," said Granola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore." Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs.
"We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely successful without resorting to any software testing.
355-
I've got a friend who's a female private investigator. Or gynaecologist as he likes to be called.
356-
Advantages of Being a Temp ...
You're only lending your soul, not selling it.
You won't be there when the fruits of your labor turn rotten.
Trying on a different personality at each new job site.
You don't have to continually fork over part of your pay for co-workers' weddings, babies, birthdays and anniversaries, or children's school, scouts, athletic, and band fund-raising efforts.
No one gives you clothes emblazoned with the company logo and then expects you to wear them.
You can avoid the internal "war." I once Temp'd at an office so divided and filled with hate, one half wouldn't even speak with the other... it was my job to convey messages between the enemy camps.
Your true Pointy-Haired Boss is usually miles away... and the "customer" PHB can (often) be ignored.
Overtime at time and a half! Woo-Hoo!
Leaving at 4:30.
You get to hear the words, "Good job" and, 'Please stay" frequently.
You don't give a rat's hoohaa what the stock is doing.
Eight Words: "It was like that when I got here."
357-
Management Mitigation – a First XI, and Twelfth Man.
1 Never, ever, confuse activity with achievement. Activity builds empires, and so salaries, perks, and pensions. Achievements are what your enemies will measure you against - next year; so are simply devices to set you up to fail – to crash and burn!
2 Flattery will get you anywhere, especially in management.
3 Upwardly mobile managers [aka seagull managers] seldom stay in the same job long – a year or so being long enough to make a difference, to establish a reputation, often through well-publicized but illogical short-term measures which show initial [maybe massaged] improvements - yet not so long that the inevitable adverse consequences catch up with them, rather than the poor deluded sap who follows them.
4 Don’t be a poor deluded sap following a seagull manager [see above]. As soon as you arrive, junk all his ideas. You may throw out a bit of baby, but it’ll mostly be bathwater, probably already deep brown in colour.
5 Meetings are your friend, but only if you write the minutes [Hint – write them before the meeting; do not distribute them until, at most, twenty-four hours before the next meeting, two months later – when they should have been appropriately re-written to take advantage of twenty-twenty hindsight]. The minutes will then, naturally, show your adaptability, amiability and prescience, and others’ inflexibility, hostility and imbecility. And if the project does turn to grade-A rat-shit, co-attendees are, naturally, co-responsible.
6 A good manager is always prepared to take credit for any good thing that may occur – eclipses; good weather; good harvests; transportation costs cut because oil falls in price; better transportation availability because the oil price is up, so demand is down. A very good manager can deflect any blame – if only IT had had the server up over the week-end; Personnel couldn’t get me a genius at three minutes notice; Transport has had another of their expensive work-to-rules; demand in China has rocketed/crashed, etc.
7 Trends will continue until the last man who can remember when they didn’t retires; so keep an old crumbly in his forties, or even fifties[!], on the staff, and listen to his warnings. Your rivals will pontificate about the new paradigm – but you will be right, when, eventually, it all goes tits-up.[© 2006]
8 Marketing. Fifty percent of marketing spend is utterly wasted, but who knows which fifty percent? The marketing requirement to attend – but not speak at - a four day conference in the Bahamas, doing cheap airfares – so, out on a Thursday, back on a Saturday, with packaged hotel all found [don’t make a fuss about it – that’s meals, drinks, entertainments etc.] – can be made to look good value for money, especially if a comely companion is described, and billed for, as a necessary researcher.
9 Friends in management are very important, but scapegoats are essential; cultivate scapegoats, as you never know when you will need them, nor what for.
10 Always be present immediately after a foul-up is revealed; only then can you
a. Deflect criticism from your own arrogance, blinkeredness, and culpability – the rest of the alphabet, too . . . ;
b. Rewrite history, so you look good, if possible – and certainly not responsible!
c. Bond with others in blamestorming;
d. Assign prime responsibility to someone who, obviously, is not present; and without any come-backs from them – it was ‘the committee view’;
e. Take the lead role in delegating the doomed recovery operation to a rival;
f. Bag for yourself the glory of the new Mega-project, arising from the ashes and detritus, and crashed careers, of the old.
Never take all your excuses and scams from the political class – you are an entrepreneur, so must be able to find original ones! Don’t take management too seriously; if it all goes pear-shaped, go fishing.
358-
Lola, a saleswoman for a major condom company was required to travel cross-country to meet a prospective buyer. Her boss asked her to take about 100 condoms of various types with her. As she was running late for her flight, she simply stuffed them all into her briefcase. The cab ride to the airport was delayed by traffic and she had just enough time to throw her ticket at the counter and run onto the plane. As she jumped into the airplane, she dropped her briefcase and all the condoms flew out all over the floor in front of all the passengers and crew. They all stared amazed at the display and then looked at Lola, who said sheepishly, "I'm meeting a new client."
359-
A new girl started at work today and I offered her instant promotion in return for sex...
I'd love to see her face when she finds out I'm not the boss!
360-
A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on those decisions.
"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"
The answer from the group was unanimous, "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker. "There would still be five, because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."
361-
At work we decided it would be good to sponsor a child in Africa.
He's got one of our t-shirts, a company logo cap, but it seems a waste of money, he hasn't drummed up any extra business at all.
362-
A bad workman blames his fools
EDIT: *tools
stupid keyboard.
363-
Spanish never came easily to my sister. Still, she did her best to communicate with the Spanish-speaking staff at the restaurant she managed. But when she made mistakes- and she made a lot-she'd apologize by saying, "Me estúpido." Finally, a staffer took pity on her. "Susanna, you're not estúpido," she said, bucking up my sister's ego. "You are a woman," she continued. "So you are estúpida."
364-
Problems with my laptop required calling the dreaded company help line. The service rep, based in another country, did not speak English very well. So I tried to explain it as simply as possible: "I can't get the computer to work." "Ah, I see," he responded. "You are unable to transport your computer to your place of employment."
365-
I was in work today when a woman walked in with her tits hanging out!
Me and my mates were shouting, "Wahay! Check out the knockers on that!"
I don't think we're cut out for work in the mammography department.
366-
I applied for a job as a bin man the other day. I was a little worried
I wouldn't fully understand but apparently you pick it up as you go along.
367-
Mistake: to err, to cause an error or make a mess...
If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident...
If a engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture...
If parents makes a mistake, It is a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake , It is a new theory...
If our boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake......
If an employee makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE"!
368-
A female personnel director became very embarrassed when interviewing a male job applicant, she asked her assistant, "Do I have an opening this man will fit?"
369-
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my Spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
370-
Pauly finally got a job as an Amtrak conductor, and, boy howdy, was he looking forward to lining his pockets with those big tips.
On the third day of work, a passenger told him, "I've got to get some sleep, but I've GOT to get off in Trenton, where I'm going to close a 10 million dollar deal. Here's a nice big tip for you now, so you be sure to come wake me. I'm a very heavy sleeper, so just shake me until I wake up."
"Of course, sir," says Pauly, "you can count on me. I've had lots of experience on this railroad, and all my passengers are always pleased with my service."
The next morning, about 10 a. m., the passenger wakes up as the train is going through Gastonia, NC, and he finds Pauly and grabs him by the lapels: "You stupid dingbat! I told you to get me up and off this train in Trenton! I TOLD you that I absolutely had to get off in Trenton, that I had to wrap up a major business deal in Trenton, and ..." he sputtered.
"Listen," says Pauly, You can scream at me as much as you want, but it won't approach what was said by that guy I threw off the train in Trenton!"
371-
A sailors work is never done
Is sex work or pleasure? The Ship's Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Ships Officers.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'
A Deck Officer chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Engineering Officer said it was 50-50%.
A Chief Warrant Officer responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Admiral turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
With no hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, Sir," began the seaman, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the Sailors, who run things!
372-
"Working on nuclear submarines is not hazardous," a military lecturer insisted. The soldiers in the audience were skeptical, but he persisted. "For example," he said, "some seamen stay on board for three to four years. And at the same time, their wives give birth to perfectly healthy babies."
373-
Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually,
It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.
374-
TEIAM - problem solved
375-
I got to work today and was horrified to find a dead, semi-naked man lay across a table. Shaken by this discovery, I called the emergency services for assistance.
The operator calmly reminded me that I work in a funeral home, and politely asked I stop calling them every morning.
376-
How To Properly Place New Employees
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put then in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management ...
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.
377-
Company Motivation Posters You'll Probably Never See ...
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
It's only unethical if you get caught.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
We put the "k" in "kwality."
If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity!
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
Your job is still better than asking, "You want fries with that?"
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never quit until you have another job.
The floggings will continue until morale improves.
378-
My boss hauled me into his office and accused me of skiving the day before.
He said, "You called in sick and I know you played golf."
I said, "That's nonsense and I've got the fish to prove it."
379-
Benny, Sam, and Lionel have been friends ever since they all worked at Minkys Tailor Shop. And they always meet at Brent Cross shopping centre on a Wednesday to partake in chat and gossip. This Wednesday, Sam and Lionel quickly notice how serious Benny is.
So Sam asks, "Nu, Benny, why the serious face?"
"I’m doing some serious thinking, that’s why," replies Benny. "We are such close friends that I think we should come out of retirement and open up our own tailoring business together. In fact I think it’s such a good idea, I’m prepared to put £20,000 into the business. What do you two think?"
"Great idea, Benny," replies Sam, "And I’ll put in £5,000."
Benny then turns to Lionel and says, "Nu?"
"I think it’s an idea that might or might not work," says Lionel, "so I’ll put in £500."
"Good," says Benny. "So here’s how we’ll organise ourselves. As I’m going to put in the most money, I’ll be the Chairman and Managing Director. Sam here will be the Finance Director, and you Lionel will be the company’s Sexual Advisor."
"And what may I ask do you mean by that?" asks Lionel, a little bit shocked. "What’s a Sexual Advisor?"
"Well, Lionel, it’s a simple role," replies Benny. "Whenever we need your fucking advice, we will ask you for it."
380-
I can tell you from experience, it's never a good idea to be completely honest when filling out a job application form.
For example; where it says, 'Likes/ Dislikes', it's not a good idea to write, 'Big tits/ Pakis'
381-
I recently bought a new laptop. It has a fingerprint scanner instead of a password, naturally I used my penis as the 'fingerprint'. Every time I open my new computer I have to press my penis against the scanner. I thought it was the funniest thing I'd ever done.
Kinda slipped my mind that I have to take it to work.
382-
My boss is getting pretty pissed off with me. Whenever I see a Fire Exit I can't help myself, I dash out and then stand by the designated Fire Assembly Point.
I suffer from premature evacuation.
383-
"Hello, help desk."
"Yes, this is Mrs. Duffy on the sixth floor. I want to report a violation of company policy."
"What seems to be the trouble, Mrs. Duffy?"
"I have found some of the computers in the office here are being used to look at orgies."
"We have filtering software on the network that prevents sites like that from being displayed."
"Well, I just sat down at one of the computers and clicked on the bookmarks."
"And there's a list of pornographic sites?"
"I should say so. Quite a few."
"They should be blocked by the filter. Did you click on them?"
"I didn't have to. They say dot O-R-G and I've been around long enough to know what that means."
384-
You have to admire Alan
Sugar.
16 People.
12 weeks of 2 Day tasks and a production budget of £20 million. The weakest
member of the losing team nominated and dismissed from the Boardroom. Week after
week of potential entrepreneurs sent home in shame until only two misty-eyed
hopefuls remain.
He thinks long and hard, employing some of the best business brains in the UK.
Then he hires the one with the biggest tits.
385-
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and his doctor
suggested he go for several weeks to a farm to relax.
So the guy went to a farm, but after a couple of days he was very bored. So he
asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean up all of the cow manure.
Now the farmer, thinking that to somebody coming from the city, working the
whole life sitting in an office, would take at least a week to finish the job.
To his surprise, the manager finished the job in less than a day!
So, the next day, the farmer gave the manager a more difficult job. He sent him
to cut the heads off 500 chickens.
The farmer was sure that the manager would not be able to do the this job so
quickly. But, at the end of the day, the job was done!
The next morning, having nothing else, the farmer asked the manager to divide a
bag of potatoes in two boxes, small potatoes in one, big potatoes in the other.
At the end of the day the farmer was surprised to see the manager was sitting in
front of the potato bags, with both two boxes still empty!
The farmer asked the him, "How is it you completed the more difficult jobs the
first two days, but can't do a simple job like this?"
"Listen," replied the manager, "all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with
crap, but this requires I make decisions!"
386-
Everyone knows I'm a
stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents
asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.
"Decipher is spelled with a 'ph', not an 'f'," I wrote. "In case you've
forgotten, spell checker comes free with your Microsoft program."
A minute later his reply: "Must be dephective."
387-
I was bored at work
yesterday so I gave a colleague a clock and told him to give it to someone else.
I had to do something to pass the time.
388-
How to Interpret Military Performance Reports ...
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to university.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Needs more to do.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the arse.
WILL GO FAR: Related to management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 5 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: (or anything else - just get him or her away from me!).
389-
A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his
computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem? User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply. User: No, I don't! I just need to change
the startup files. Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace
it. User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and
it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is
frustrated and fed up. Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers
this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem. User:
I knew it! Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE. COM at the end of the CONFIG.
SYS. Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later. User : It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking. Tech
: Well, what version of DOS are you using? User : MS-DOS 6.22 . Tech : That's
your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact
Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how
it goes.
1 hour later. User : I need a new power supply. Tech support : How did you come
to that conclusion? User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you
said, and he started asking questions about the make of the power supply. Tech:
Then what did he say? User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible
with NOSMOKE.
390-
Have you noticed from all those documentaries about living with tourettes that
they all have shit jobs.
Dear Mr McCarthy,
I recently read about the vacancy for Online Sales Executive on the CUUNNTT
Guardian jobs website and this position interests me DONKEY BOLLOCKS.
Please find enclosed my CV I WANNA SHAG YOUR SISTER, YOUR SISTERS CUUUNNNTT.
Please get back to me.
Ps I have tourettes.
CUUUUUUNNNNNTTTTT
391-
Corporate Reality ...
CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself
for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife
gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps
crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between
themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240
per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
392-
Things to do When Your ISP Goes Down ...
1. Dial 911 immediately.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
3. You mean there's something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
5. Work.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.
8. Sleep (and dream about surfing the Internet)!
393-
HEALTH ALERT
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by
hand.
This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive
WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT
TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good
friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter
(BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated
from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you
have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
394-
During the Boer war at an English army post in Africa a new commandant arrives
to take over.
He says to the old commandant "Well done and compliments from Her Majesty"
The old commandant says "I can't take the credit, my right hand man Smithers
runs this place!! I'll introduce you to him"
The old commandant calls out "Smithers!!" and from around the corner comes this
decrepit midget, 3 foot tall, no hair, no teeth, blind in one eye, a withered
arm and a gammy leg!!
The new Commandant says "Is this Smithers?? - er - give me your history prior to
joining up here Smithers!!"
Smithers replies "Well sir, I was All England bench press champion for 2 years;
prop forward in the British Lions rugby team; rowed in the Winning Cambridge
crew and was the Scottish Highlands caber tossing champion"
The old Commandant says "Yes-we know all that Smithers- tell the new commandant
about the time here when you told our local witchdoctor to go fuck himself!"
395-
Which Service Has the Smartest Enlisted Force?
There is no doubt at all that, of all the Services, the Air Force has the most
intelligent enlisted people. This is not just opinion, it's provable fact:
Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private
wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of
his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the
run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives
him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, men."
Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is
kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he
just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is
told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle.
Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a young Captain, Gives his Marines
a Sharp Salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marines!"
Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating
breakfast in the messroom.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing
extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel
target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em
Hell, Sailors! I salute you!"
Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call
in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a fresh
uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in
his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he
arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He
spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot,
a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our
Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says,
"Give 'em Hell, Sir!
396-
"Right lad," said the sergeant in the recruiting office, "what's your name?"
"McCoy, sergeant."
"And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a cork socker, sergeant."
"A cork socker? What's that?"
"Well, I worked in a winery, see, and my job was to put the pretty paper over
the corks in the wine bottles. A cork socker, they called me." "Okay," said the
sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next
bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." "Another McCoy! And what was your
civvy job?"
"I was a coke soaker, sergeant."
"A coke soaker? What's that?"
"Well I worked in the foundry, see, and it was my job to keep the coke damp so
it burned hotter. A coke soaker they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer.
"Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." "Not another McCoy! And what was
your civvy job?"
"I was a sock tucker, sergeant."
"A sock tucker? What's that?"
"Well, I worked in a sock factory, and when the socks came off the production
line I had to fold them neatly and tuck them together. A sock tucker, they
called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer.
"Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant."
"Not another one!" the sergeant groaned. "And what the hell are you lad? A coke
soaker, a cork socker or a sock tucker?"
"None of those sweetie," lisped the bloke. "I'm the real McCoy!"
397-
My boss asked me why I spent 2 hours in the toilet yesterday.
I said if you'd had what I had you'd be in there for hours as well.
He said "What did you have then?"
I told him, "The Sun, Auto Trader, and Exchange and Mart"
398-
Back in the 60's we used to fly 747's. Well one of the airlines came up with a
fuel savings procedure that shuts down various systems and engines during taxi
into the gate. Just so happened it was a Chief Pilot that was the first to try
out this new procedure.. .his name was John Chenault and he was the Chief at
LAX.
As John was approaching the ramp and turning into the gate after a long flight,
the flight engineer was running the "new" taxi checklist and shutting down
engines and switches. Shut down #3 and #4. Hydraulic system two "b" pump ---off.
Pneumatic system---set... etc etc.. Then as he finishes shutting down these
systems, the Flight Engineer says..."What fucking knucklehead thought this up"!
Just about that time Captain Chenault applied the brakes to stop the 747. No
brakes. Caught on voice recorder: "we haven't got any brakes... shit!"
The 747 entered Terminal Two at LAX through the glass and penetrated about 25
feet.
At the FAA hearing all were sitting around the table listening to the voice
recorder (CVR). At about the time the recording aired the FE saying : "who the
fuck thought this one up?" all eyes trained on the person sitting there who DID
think it up.... laughter broke out.
FAA does not like laughter. In an effort to bring some decorum back to the
hearing an FAA inspector said : "Captain Chenault... um... at what point did you
realize you had a problem?"
His answer was ...."I think it was when I passed the cigarette machine in the
terminal".
Meeting adjourned.
399-
On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker
measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant
measuring stick down into them.
"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked.
"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.
"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there
or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"
"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the
match."
400-
A funeral director
gets a call saying a council worker has died on a council construction site and
could they come collect the body.
He tells his partner he won't be long as its only down the road.
5 hours pass before he returns. His partner asked, "where the hell have you
been?"
He replied, "It was a fucking nightmare I had to wait till they all left for
lunch to see which one was dead."
401-
Dave irritated everyone in our office. Whether it was the tone of his voice or
his condescending attitude, we all steered clear. He must have suspected he was
annoying because he asked a co-worker, "Why does everybody take an instant
dislike to me?" Larry responded, "It saves time."
402-
On some air bases
the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other
side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower
received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded,
"Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is an American
Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand
is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft,
it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."
403-
Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary
qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so
much that everything will be forgiven.
After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopaedia of American History,
he is called back to meet the sales manager.
"You say you have experience selling books?"
"Lots of it," replies Jim.
"And you have a Master's in American history from the University of Michigan?"
"Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study."
"Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this form, we
can get you started in the firm."
While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously pleased with
himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of
Washing-ton and Lincoln on the walls.
Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine looking
men. Your partners?"
404-
Hi-visibility jackets
God’s way of telling you you’re in a shit job.
405-
Do you ever feel
overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured and under-benefitted? Take heart,
this notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated
1852:
1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only
have to be present between the hours of 6 a. m. and 7 p. m. weekdays.
2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport
themselves in raiment of bright colours, nor will they wear hose unless in good
repair.
3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and
headwear may be worn in inclement weather.
4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must
be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff
bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.
5. No member of the clerical staff may l eave the room without permission from
the supervisor.
6. No talking is allowed during business hours.
7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is
forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.
8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking
of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account
cease!!!.
9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is
available on application to the supervisor.
10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the
cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office. All boy and
juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain aft closing
hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the
owners.
11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labour laws, but will expect
a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.
406-
It is very unusual to hear of a nice guy who enjoys working in a factory
environment. But Daniel is just such a guy. For many years now, he’s been
working for a seaside rock manufacturer in his home town of Blackpool. But then
one day he hands in his notice and applies for a similar job in Eastbourne.
At his interview, Daniel impresses his prospective new employer and so they
decide to try and get some references from Daniel’s previous employer. Within 24
hours, the MD of the Eastbourne Rock Company telephones the MD of the Blackpool
Rock Company and says, "I’m calling to hopefully get some information on a
previous employee of yours who has recently applied for a job with us."
"I’ll do what I can," replies the Blackpool MD. "We rock makers must all stick
together, excuse the pun, and help each other out. Who are we talking about?"
"That’s very kind of you," replies the Eastbourne MD. "I understand that a Mr
Daniel Smith used to work for you."
"Yes, that’s correct," comes the reply.
The Eastbourne MD continues, "Mr Smith told us that he is a very hard worker who
can make two miles of rock a day and that he has never taken a day off work, nor
been late for work in 10 years. Mr Smith also told us that when a Foreman's job
recently became vacant at your Blackpool factory, he was totally overlooked for
the role. And that he was so angry with you that he told you to (ahem) stuff the
job and later that day walked out on you. Is all that correct?"
"Yes, it’s all true," replies the Blackpool MD. "Daniel was a first class worker
and he easily used to produce two miles of rock a day when asked to. He was an
excellent timekeeper and I can’t think of any time when he took a day off sick.
But in terms of the promotion he never got, we all here felt that his quick
temper might cause us problems if he was ever promoted to Foreman."
The Eastbourne MD says, "Thanks for being so helpful. He sounds just like just
the man we’re looking for."
The Blackpool MD replies, "You're very welcome, but before you ring off, there’s
something you can do to help me out."
"No problem. What is it?" replies the Eastbourne MD.
"If by chance," says the Blackpool MD, "you come across someone in the trade who
would like to buy two miles of seaside rock with the word BOLLOCKPOOL written
through the middle of the rock, please let me know."
407-
When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted he join the Army. At the
induction physical, the Army doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the
eye chart across the room. "What chart?" the young man asked.
"The one on the wall! "The doctor said.
"What wall?"
Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, the doctor asked his beautiful nurse to
walk in Naked. "What do you see now?"
"Nothing."
"Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said," but your compass is pointing
toward Ft. Jackson!. Welcome to the Army son."
408-
Is sex work or pleasure? The Ship's Captain was about to start the morning
briefing to his Staff and Ships Officers.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a
question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the
night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the
question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'
A Deck Officer chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Engineering Officer said it was 50-50%.
A Chief Warrant Officer responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending
on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Admiral turned to the seaman who was in charge of
making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
With no hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure."
The Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, Sir," began the seaman, "if there was any work involved, the officers
would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent. God Bless the Sailors, who run things!
409-
I work as a postman.
The pay isn't great, but anything addressed to 'Cash 4 Gold' is a good bonus.
410-
My company needed some computer software. At PC World, I was shown a program and
told "This will do half your work for you." So I bought two copies.
411-
A private is alone on sentry duty. His phone rings and a pompous voice asks
"Many cars in the officer's car park?"
The sentry looks out and replies "Only the Rolls-Royce that belongs to old
General 'Cuntface' Johnson."
"Do you know who you're talking to? This IS General Johnson!" shouts the voice.
"Do you know who YOU'RE talking to?" asks the private.
"No," says Johnson.
"Then fuck off, Cuntface," says the private and hangs up.
412-
My husband David's colleague at a
package-processing centre was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock.
When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open the
door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door
open while a maintenance worker was called.
A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob
and a voice from inside called, "Get me out!"
"Don't worry," David replied, "maintenance should be sending somebody."
"They did," said the voice.
413-
During a training session at an artillery unit the sergeant-major was
busy describing how the sophisticated aiming device of the artillery weapon
system is used:
"As you all know, there are 180 degrees in a circle."
One of the soldiers put up his hand and said: "But there are 360 degrees in a
circle, sergeant-major."
"You idiot," replied the sergeant-major, "I am obviously speaking about a small
circle!"
414-
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9a.m. on the dot. He had never
missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9a.m. passed without Johnson's arrival,
it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his
watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face
scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock,
punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled
down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole
hour?"
415-
A young man was applying for a job in a big company.
"I'm sorry," said the personnel manager, "but the firm is overstaffed. We have
more employees now than we really need."
"That's all right," replied the young man, undiscouraged. "The little bit of
work I do won't be noticed anyway."
416-
The Ryanair flight into Rome had to make an emergency landing.
Yet the crew stayed professional throughout the ordeal, offering seat belts to
all passengers for only £5 extra as the pilot tried to land.
417-
My boss stormed up to me in the office today and said
"You missed work yesterday, didn't you?"
"Not particularly" I replied.
418-
When I woke up this morning I really needed a shit! I quickly rushed downstairs
and ate my frosties.
When I'd finished I rushed up stairs, brushed my teeth and looked at the loo as
I felt poo pushing down, but instead of going I shot off on my way to work in
the hope of not being late.
I hopped on the train and glared at the toilet, refusing to go to the public
stink basin and squeezing my cheeks together, trying not to let anything get
out.
I left the station passing more and more public stink tanks, I opened the door
to work as a log was started to creep through my cheeks.
Rushing across the office as it started to slide down my leg, I raced into the
loo and whipped down my pants.
As I sat down I smiled to myself ' I'm getting paid for doing this'
419-
'So tell me, Mrs. Smith,' asked the interviewer, 'have you any other skills
you think might be worth mentioning?'
'Actually, yes,' said the applicant modestly. 'Last year I had two short stories
published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.'
'Very impressive,' he commented, 'but I was thinking of skills you could apply
during office hours.'
Mrs. Smith explained brightly, 'Oh, that was during office hours.'
420-
An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess
pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid
his favourite bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all
scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the
bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this
was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those
delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the
bakery', and sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block,
there it was!"
421-
It was at the office party. They lay on the office reception couch in the
darkened room, their breath came hot and fast, as he hammered her pussy.
"Oh, Melvin, oh Melvin, I'm cumming again" she said passionately, "You've never
made love to me like this before. Is it because of the holiday spirit?"
"No," he panted. "It's probably because I'm not Melvin!"
422-
The ginger woman at my work recently announced that she is pregnant by her black
boyfriend.
She was discussing possible baby names the other day.
Apparently "Terry The Chocolate Orange" is not acceptable and is enough to get
you fired.
423-
For the last 15 years Phil and Dave have car-pooled together and had lunch
together and never have missed a day. One day Dave was waiting outside on the
bench for Phil for lunch and Phil never shows up. This was not a good sign but
Dave said he would wait until after work because maybe something had come up at
the last minute.
So after work Dave met Phil at the car and asked him, “Where were you today at
lunch?”
Phil said, “I had to go to the restroom and when I got there I pulled a muscle.”
Dave replied, “I don’t understand why were you gone for thirty minutes?”
Phil’s reply: “I had to pull it 175 times.”
424-
What is the difference between a secretary and a private secretary???
A:-The secretary says,” Good morning sir!”
While the private secretary says,” It's morning, sir!”
425-
A young man, obviously of the upper class, was standing just outside the door of
one of New York’s finest hotels, idly puffing at a cigarette, when he was
approached by a man who was just as obviously of the labouring class.
The labourer said to the young man, “Hey, I’ll bet your father is rich.”
“Very rich,” said the upper-class fellow agreeably.
“And all your life, you’ve always had everything you want.”
“Just about.”
“And you’ve never done a single day’s work in your life.”
“I’m afraid that’s so.”
The labourer thought it over and said, “Well, you haven’t missed a thing.”
426-
At work, our manager was trying to demonstrate a project on his computer to four
women in our provider relations department.
He was having problems with the computer.
So, the ladies went back to their office until he could get the program pulled
up.
I was not aware of any of this, so I was a little shocked when I walked in the
office door, and heard one of the ladies shouting down the hallway,
"Hurry up girls and get in here, Al finally got it up!"
427-
Pilot : "Control tower, what time is it?"
Control tower: "What airline is this?"
Pilot: "What difference does that make?"
Control tower: "Well if it's British Airways, it's 6pm. If it's Virgin Atlantic,
it's 18.00 hours and if it's American Airlines, the big hand is on the 12..."
428-
Edney and Cole, two Ohio Edison electrical repairmen, were working on a blown
house circuit.
"Hey, Cole!" said Edney. "See those two wires?"
"Sure," Cole answered.
"Now just grab one of them."
Cole grabbed one of the wires.
"Feel anything?" asked his partner.
"Not a thing," answered Cole.
"Good!" said Edney. "Don't touch the other one or you'll drop dead!"
429-
Fred applied for a job in a factory.
The company doctor who was giving him a physical asked, "Have your eyes ever
been checked?"
"No," said the worker. "They've always been brown."
430-
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I
thought it did.'
431-
The boss called one of his employees into his office and told him, "Jenkins,
I've decided to make you the plant manager."
"Gee, thanks, boss," the worker said. "What do I have to do?"
"Just water them every day."
432-
I've got a new job as an undertaker.
I start in the mourning.
433-
If you work for British Airways and have been on strike this week, next time you
see a soldier/airman/sailor who has returned from Operations in Afghanistan make
sure you tell him/her about your awful working conditions, poor uniform and low
pay.
Let me know how you get on.
434-
It must be great for the British Airways cabin crew, getting a few days off
strike.
435-
This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day
the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited
and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines. The manager says no. The
bagger says, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice
machines?" The manager goes, "I'm sorry, son, but, baggers can't be juicers."
436-
Her: "Do you have any questions?"
Me: "Fuck yeah. Are they real?"
Her: "Err, yes. Shall we start the interview?"
437-
The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the
cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as
they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks
and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors
coming down the line. "A smile, a cheerful comment, and a willingness to serve,
will all reap great benefits," he told them. After his pep talk the Food Service
Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served. A new
sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just
carried his tray down the line till he got to the dessert section. He picked up
a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake. The Mess Specialist looked
at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat," he asked. The sailor said, "Yeah, the
rest of it don't look too appetizing." The Mess Specialist smiled and said,
"Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?" The Chaplain smiled and
nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some
good." The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it." The cook leaned over and
cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
438-
New Company Word of the day: F.O.C.U.S!
When you are annoyed with someone tell them to F.O.C.U.S!
F*ck Off Cause U're Stupid!
439-
Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole is awarded to
-------------------------------------------------------------
In Recognition of Your Obnoxious Attitude, Ability to Piss People Off, Complete
Asinine Juvenile Behaviour and Total Dedication to Personal Gain Without Regard
to the Many Hardships You Have Forced Upon Friends, Family, and Others During
Your Lifetime, You Have Become a Legend In YOUR Own Mind. To Recognize Your
Upgrade From Half-Assed to Complete Asshole Gives All Concerned Great
Satisfaction. If Anyone, For Any Reason, Doubts Your Status, JUST BE YOURSELF!
Effective Date _________________ Signed _____________________
440-
I was sexually harassed at work the other day.
Oh, the joys of being self-employed.
bestfilthyjokes@googlemail.com