Sex 2
251-
A guy and girl meet at the bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They party all night, and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.
The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on. He reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.
She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for? Are you some kinda pervert?"
He looks at her, drops his shorts and smiles kinda sexy.
She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his johnson which hangs more that halfway to his knees.
He breaks her spell by saying, "You're gonna have to draw a line somewhere, baby."
252-
A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin under the buttocks. The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.
Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:
1. Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.
2. Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of cover story headlines.
3. Dad: now surfs with two remotes and Mum: never complains
4. She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door.
5. The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment.
6. Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at $600 bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV.
7. The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...
8. "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."
9. Finally, size really *doesn't* matter.
10. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry..."
11. Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon's name.
12. Side effects? Who cares about... oh... *oh*... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!
13. In addition to "Mute" and "Favourite," the wildly popular Radio Shack Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O."
14. Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their partner.
253-
A young woman said to her friend: "I didn't realize that sex could be so painful!"
"Why was he THAT big?" exclaimed her friend excitedly.
"No, when I got on all fours, the perverted bastard missed the target by about an inch!"
254-
Persuasion was necessary, but the amorous man had finally gotten his girlfriend between the sheets. In due course he made love to her, finally burying his sword in her sheath and beginning to screw away.
"Be careful," she panted. "I think I have a weak heart."
"Don't worry," he said, without missing a stroke. "I'll take it very easy when I get up to the heart!"
255-
Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's breasts best," the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's butt." He asks the third guy, "What about you?"
"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.
256-
Sex And Your First Name
According to studies, your sexual identity is revealed by the first letter of your first name.
(Those of you with names that start with "N" will probably wish it started with "C"!)
-A- You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an upfront person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenges of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.
-B- You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.
-C- You are totally fucking marvellous!
-D- Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, behaving free and open.
-E- Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in awhile... it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book.
(Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.)
-F- You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can
be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are a romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your
favourite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.
-G- You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one
who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it
meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time.
Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may
have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting
close sexually.
-H- You are an incredible lover, true friend, and all around awesome person!
-I- You have a great need to be loved, appreciated... even worshipped. You enjoy
luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested
in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You
bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.
-J- You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner
is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is
intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know
that you're being appreciated.
-K- You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a
relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and
good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and
almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for
long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your
desires and doing without.
-L- You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love
means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's
saviour. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.
-M- You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate
and intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate.
-N- You are crap in bed.
-O- You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into
making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity and diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.
-P- You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to
experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you
enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.
-Q- You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually
or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of
other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of
conversation to turn you on and keep you going.
-R- You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter
the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not beg, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.
-S- You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take
your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.
-T- You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated,
and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, often times all in your own head.
-U- You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are
in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a
challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal
in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate
looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant gratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.
-V- You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You
wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.
-W- You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when
pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships.
Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.
-X- You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more
than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.
-Y- You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your
way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours
just touching, feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate.
-Z- For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in anyway bothered by
career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are
capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful
and cautious before you give your heart away and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.
257-
How can you tell if your date really enjoys oral sex?
She unzips your fly every time you yawn.
258-
Why do women have two sets of lips?
~ One set to bitch at you with, and the other to apologize with.
259-
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
260-
When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
261-
A guy walks a woman to the door after their first date. He asks her if she had a good time. She tells him yes but that to get her really horny, she likes her men to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.
The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in a bikers black leathers. He grabs her, throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley, and away they go to the nearest bikers bar.
The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers. When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.
He asks her "Well, was I rough?"
"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.
"And was I tough?" he asks.
"Oh yes," she moans.
"Well then, it's time to be selfish".
So saying, he whips it out and gives himself a handjob.
262-
A guy with a huge dick has a lot of trouble trying to get a girl. When they see the
size of his pecker they make their excuses and leave. So he thinks of a cunning plan, meets a hooker and asks her, "Do you mind if we do it my way?"
"What way is that?" she asks.
"Oh, I would just like you to wear a blindfold" he replies.
"Is that all? No problem - let's go to my place," she answers.
They walk the short distance to her apartment. Whilst taking off their clothes he puts the blindfold on her.
"Why do you want me to wear a blindfold?" she asks.
"Because of my religion" he answers.
"What religion is that?" she asks.
"I'm an agnostic," he says, getting on top of her.
"Hmmm - an agnostic - I've heard of those - you're one of those people who doesn't believe in.....
............................J E S U S C H R I S T!"
263-
There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar. The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo.
After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, "Well, I have a tattoo, too!"
The men all look surprised.
The woman continues, "I have a tattoo of a cute little grey mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?"
The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman.
Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile.
One of the men asks, "What's wrong, sweet lady?"
The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, "Oh, nothing, I can't show you my little mouse tattoo after all. My pussy must have eaten it."
264-
So you have your date sufficiently
anaesthetized and hand- cuffed to the headboard. Now what?
The important thing to remember is that a woman is like a vintage Panhead Harley... you have to throw a leg over and hang on with both hands - which it true - but more specifically, a woman has to warm up before you can get optimum performance out of her.
This warming up process is called... sexual harassment, by most of the women who know you, but in normal circles we call it foreplay.
Since this is a term not related to drug use, day-time talk shows or animal husbandry I will define it for you. Foreplay is sexual stimulation leading up to, but not including, coitus.
When engaging in foreplay it is important to pay attention to all of the erogenous zones. This includes:
* Kissing the neck
* Rubbing and kissing the nipples
* Gently massaging the buttocks
* Manual stimulation of the labia and clitoris
* Writing her a check to cash
However, the most important element of foreplay is oral sex. There are a hundred different techniques for this, from the faithful figure eight to the rather complicated rolled-tongue clam-digger. But no matter what you do it is almost impossible to go too far wrong as long as you a) spit out your chewing tobacco first, b) don't bite, and c) don't blow into it!
Oral sex as an element of foreplay is all about timing. If you're face-first in the promised land and working it like a dehydrated coon hound at the water bowl it is very possible to go too far. If your date happens to be fantasizing about a real man while you're busy she just might reach an orgasm without any help from your pathetic pecker at all.
The trick is to bring her three quarters of the way up the mountain and then you can take the two minutes it will be necessary to plant your flag at the peak.
How to tell if she is approaching orgasm?
* Increased respiration
* Moaning
* Hips roll forward
* She's awake
Since I have better things to do than pander to you nimrods all day I will continue this next week. You won't want to miss it as we will cover, how to tell the difference between an asshole and a pussy, the G-spot: Myth and Mystery and when light bondage turns into assault and battery.
Where was I? Oh, yes. So you've set the mood, figured out how to get your partner undressed, and fumbled your way through enough foreplay so that she is at least awake if not actually aroused. Now it is time to deliver the coup de grace.
Penetration can be achieved with a number of different approaches, some more acrobatic than others. But for the sake of simplicity and constraints of space I will list here only the basic four which are as follows...
1. Missionary, prone
2. Missionary, kneeling
3. Woman on top
4. Man behind, or "Doggy-style"
Each technique has its own advantages and disadvantages.
The Missionary, prone position provides some stimulation of the G-spot while also stimulating the clitoris.
The Missionary, kneeling position increases stimulation of the G-spot while reducing stimulation of the clitoris.
With the woman in the mounted position the degree of penetration increases while simultaneously offering her the advantage of controlling the angle and force of the thrusts.
The "Doggy-style" position offers the greatest degree of penetration with the least amount of stimulation for the woman. However, if you are endowed with any more meat than a Vienna sausage you may be able to 'bottom out' in this position and the pressure on the cervix can provide its own pleasurable sensation.
CAUTION: For decorum's sake, before penetration do not slap her thigh and say, "Spread 'em, Baby. The pigskin bus is pulling into Tuna-town." No matter how receptive you think she is this runs a very high risk of termination before completion.
While pumping away at the old well it is important to observe your partner's physical cues. Is her breath rate increasing? Is she moaning? Has she started calling out my name? These are all cues that she is approaching orgasm.
If she is completely quiet or relaxed, if her lubrication has completely dried up, if she is snoring, you will need to change your pace or technique, or possibly even go back to foreplay to bring her back to the proper level or arousal.
The actual moment of orgasm manifests itself in many different ways for different types of women. I've known women to close their eyes and shake, yell, bite, pull hair, scream foul
language, even cry or laugh. But the almost universal signs are a distinct flushing of the skin and a tightening or
spasm of the vagina. (This is the ONLY time you can get away with asking her who her daddy is.) If these are present you can pretty much climb out of the saddle and go get yourself a beer.
265-
Squirrel Bait meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter.
He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire.
266-
WORDS YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR DURING SEX
"You feel almost as good as my wife."
"You know, your mother is so much better!"
"Mummy, Daddy what are you doing?"
"Oh my God!!! 3.5 seconds, a new record"!!!!!!
"Do you mind? I'm trying to watch TV."
"Darling, don't you think that the ceiling needs painting?"
"Oh Janet!" . And your name is Carol
"Oops I did it again."
"Will you please hurry up there is a really good movie coming on in one minute."
"Is it hurting? I can't even feel it."
"Is it in yet?"
"Do you think your sister would like to join us?"
"I think we should paint the ceiling ivory"
"Are you sure you're not named 'Speedy Gonzales'."
"Oops, sorry I called you by your brother's name."
"Did you just have salami for lunch?"
Fart, giggling, fart, giggling, fart, giggling.
"WRONG HOLE!!!"
"Finished! I didn't think you started yet."
Laughing with the explanation: "I just remembered a joke I heard today."
"But you said you would be through by the time the commercial was over."
267-
I went to a party and picked up this young blonde , after a few drinks we both got, a bit passionate and , although we had never met before , I asked her to come back to my place. I nearly passed out when her reply was yes. We had only been home 5 minutes , making a brew in the kitchen when she came out with, "Would you like a
wank?"
I immediately replied "Oh yes please", and her fucking reply was "OK, I'll be in the lounge when you've finished".
268-
Sexy Wisdom
If you're oversexed, you should get married. Trust me, it'll help ya taper off
Friend of mine always has sex on his mind Once a month like clockwork, he gets a nosebleed
I remember one girl from high school sex class She WAS the class' homework every night
Girl came down with a rare disability -- an ingrown mattress
Gifts are tough to buy for this girl I know -- I mean, what can ya give someone who's had everyone
She was so gentle, wouldn't molest a fly -- unless it was open of course
She doesn't run after men any more -- now she roller blades
Men like her because of her vocabulary -- "Yes" is the greater part of it
For all of you non-smokers out there, trust me -- There's nothing better before a cigarette than sex
Come to think of it, my Grandfather was right Sex IS dirty -- but only if you do it right
269-
What is FOREPLAY?
1- The loving before the shoving.
2- The petting before the getting.
3- BULLSHIT!
4 -The licking before the pricking.
5- The stroking before the poking.
6- The procrastination & masturbation preceding penetration.
7- The lingering and the fingering.
8- A premature ejaculators nightmare!
9- Unnecessary with barn animals.
270-
As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?"
"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?"
"Partly," she said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN!'"
271-
Sexual Tension Quiz
Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points. If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.
Clues
1. a. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. b. Sometimes I drip. c. When you blow me, it feels good.
2. a. I'm spread before I'm eaten. b. Your tongue gets me off. c. People sometimes lick my nuts.
3. a. I assist an erection. b. Sometimes big balls hang from me. c. I'm called a big swinger.
4. a. Over 1,000 people went down on me. b. I wasn't maiden for long. c. A big hard thing ripped me open .
5. a. You stick your poles inside me. b. You tie me down to get me up. c. I get wet before you do.
6. a. When I go in I cause pain. b. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. c. I can fill your hole.
7. a. A finger goes in me. b. You fiddle with me when you're bored. c. The best man always has me first.
8. a. All day long, it's in and out. b. I discharge loads from my shaft. c. Both men and women go down on me.
9. a. I go in hard. b. I come out soft. c. You blow me hard.
10. a. If I miss, I hit your bush. b. It's my job to stuff your box. c. When I come, it's news.
11. a. I offer Protection. b. I get the finger ten times. c. You use your fingers to get me off.
12. a. I have a stiff shaft. b. My tip penetrates. c. I come with a quiver.
13. a. My business is briefs. b. I am a cunning linguist. c. I plead and plead for it.
14. a. I make some guys shoot in the air. b. I usually have a little pecker. c. I'm better in your hand than in your bush.
Answers:
1. nose 2. peanut butter 3. crane 4. Titanic 5. tent 6. dentist 7. wedding ring 8. elevator 9. chewing gum 10. newspaper boy 11. glove 12. arrow 13. attorney 14 bird
272-
For months, I've been getting spam emails offering to sell me pills that will increase the size of my penis up to three inches. I just ignored them and deleted them, but then curiosity got the best of me and I decided to try them, just to see what would happen.
I answered the ad and when the pills arrived, I was so anxious to try them, that I opened the package and without reading the instructions, took one and let it dissolve on my tongue.
It worked, but I have to ask you ladies, "What am I going to do with an eight-inch tongue?"
273-
People are always telling me, "Talk to the hand!" but I never fall for that. Sure, it *starts* with talk, then you're having drinks with the hand -- and before you know it, you're having cheap, unfulfilling sex that you feel guilty about the next day.
Or at least that's the way it always goes for me at home.
274-
Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse.
If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet, or just over a half mile of penis per year. If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet, or 55,224 yards, or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime.
Anyone whose getting more than that, well, yer just a big ol' slut.
Leave some for the rest of us.
275-
Pulled this girl last night. She was kinda strange looking but after a few drinks we went back to her place. She was absolutely incredible. She unzipped my fly and got it out and started to do amazing things. I was in ecstasy, so I said to her, "You certainly know how to handle that." She replied, "I should, I used to have one."
276-
Q: What's the definition of oral sex?
A: The taste of things to come.
277-
"The only way to have safe sex is to abstain...................... From drinking."
278-
"Hey Doug," said Bill, "did you know a lot of shrinks say sex on the first date can prohibit any truly meaningful and lasting relationship from ever developing?"
"Damned right!" replied Doug. "I count on it."
279-
The bar was getting ready to close, so John asked the nearest woman, "What would you say to a little "oral" activity?"
"That all depends,..." she quickly responded. "... Your face, or mine?"
280-
MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING SEX
Kissing/Light Petting
What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"
Undressing
What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"
Foreplay/Oral Sex
What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."
Penetration
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"
Your Orgasm
What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy A ward for this performance."
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"
Postcoital Bliss
What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."
281-
This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny
organ. Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
282-
Porn Facts ~ The 100 Rules Of Porn
1. When a woman sees a man's penis, she immediately places her mouth on it. All men have dicks at least 9 inches long and 3 inches wide.
2. Women's panties become soaked with moisture at the slightest suggestion of sex.
3. All women love to swallow.
4. Men and women always cum at the same time during sex.
5. Premature ejaculation? Never!
6. Babysitters are the luckiest people on the face of the earth.
7. School teachers and college professors are the second luckiest people on the face of the earth.
8. Women really have the best (or full) orgasms only from phallic intercourse.
9. When a husband finds that his wife has been cheating on him, he is more turned on than angry.
10. When a woman finds that her husband wants to watch her fuck other men, she thinks it a swell idea.
11. Pool boys/gardeners/groundskeepers are the third luckiest people on the face of the earth.
12. A girl's first date leads to her first kiss before ending with her first fuck.
13. Every woman, no matter what age, has perfectly trimmed or shaved pubic hair.
14. Kids leave the doors to their rooms open while they masturbate. Parents leave their doors open while they have sex.
15. No one ever smells bad, even after having sex on a cum-soaked mattress for umpteen hours.
16. All men can consistently deliver 8-10 thick blasts of semen.
17. All black guys are extremely well hung.
18. All women produce amazing amounts of "juice" that either flows down their legs or drips from their pussy like a leaky faucet. And they never dry out, even after hours of non-stop sex.
19. Newspaper carriers (both boys and girls) are the fourth luckiest people on the face of the earth.
20. Any woman can deep throat any man no matter how long he is.
21. Forty-year-old divorced guys have no trouble scoring with large-breasted 18-year-old girls.
22. Forty-year-old divorced women have large-breasted 18-year-old bodies.
23. Women cum about 20 times from straight missionary fucking.
24. Oral sex is the only way to wake your lover up.
25. The wife has a secret stash of "toys" the husband has no clue about.
26. Anal sex requires very little preparation time. Even the first time.
27. Married men love fantasizing about their wives having sex with other men, and they will jump at the chance to let that fantasy come true.
28. A woman whose male lover has spurned her will invariably be a dyke by the end of the story.
29. Who needs condoms?
30. Young males get hard almost immediately after ejaculation (if they indeed lose erection at all) and are able to perform on multiple women (i. e. their own mothers and the mother's three female friends).
31. If a woman has small breasts, she will always have dark, pointy, otherwise amazing nipples.
32. She also makes up for her deficiency by having a tight ass and a ravenous sexual appetite.
33. A backrub ALWAYS leads to something else.
34. If a married man's wife has a sister, the sister will be a bombshell sexpot (more beautiful than his wife) who is just aching for a chance to leap in the sack with him.
35. Anyone caught in the act of masturbation won't stop, but will instead continue to completion.
36. Older men always prefer younger girls, no matter how air-headed they may be.
37. Older women are desirable only to younger, teenaged boys... but fortunately, those older women are more than willing to teach those teenage boys how to do it right.
38. Parents routinely leave porn tapes and sex toys lying around the house for babysitters and children to find.
39. Videos enhance sex. A sexually conservative wife/girlfriend will immediately become an insatiable slut after watching a hot tape.
40. No sexually active teenagers have zits.
41. If a guy has a female friend who's a stripper, he'll end up backstage doing all her co-workers.
42. If a girl has a male friend who's a stripper, she'll end up backstage getting gangbanged.
43. Long hair never gets in the way.
44. Your girlfriend's mum is a carbon copy of her daughter and she's just as horny.
45. And your best friend's mum looks like a sex goddess and hasn't had a good fuck in years.
46. The guy can always stick it into the girl without missing or fumbling, even the first time.
47. Even after drinking.
48. When visiting married friends not seen since high school/college, you must first smoke pot and get a good buzz going before fucking your friend's wife in the ass while your own spouse wolfs down gallons of your buddy's come like it was Diet Coke.
49. Flashback mode seems to work best here.
50. Men never lose their erection in the middle of things.
51. Women always love having their nipples bitten right away, while they're still warming up.
52. No one ever gets sore or cramp.
53. Women love laying there and getting pounded in the same position for hours at a time.
54. Especially when taking on three, four, or ten guys in a row.
55. All women love facials. Really.
56. The man's dick never accidentally slips out at the wrong moment.
57. Women "never want a man as bad as this one."
58. A straight woman will go mad with ecstasy when a lesbian eats her out.
59. Two or more high school girls left alone all weekend in a big house will invariably engage in lesbian sex.
60. And when little sis complains about being left out, she is immediately introduced to every sex act imaginable.
61. If you're a single male, visiting married friends will involve your fucking the wife while the husband fucks you because, you know, it just feels right.
62. All attractive women are insatiably bisexual.
63. But all "bisexual" women really want a man. That's why two women having sex with each other will instantly drop everything and pay all their attention to the man who just walked in on their scene.
64. All women have a secret longing to fuck someone other than their husband, so that they can finally see what a "real dick" feels like.
65. All married men are under-endowed, and every wife cheats with a man whose dick is twice her husband's size.
66. Husbands never raise an eyebrow when their wives leave the house alone at night dressed in sexy stockings and a garter belt, and head off to the bar.
67. No man ever has any objections when his wife comes home from that bar and tells him how a stranger just fucked her better than she'd ever gotten it from her husband.
68. Instead of being mad, having just learned that his wife cheated on him with another man, a husband will get more turned on than he's ever been in his life and willingly suck the strange man's cum out of his wife's pussy.
69. He will then begin planning her next night out where he will be able to join her and maybe even get to watch her fuck another strange man.
70. If the husband decides to take part in the orgy involving his wife, he will not actually participate in her adventures until after she's been drenched in sperm by several men/eaten out by a wild lesbian/fucked silly by a total stranger.
71. If a wife is "lucky enough" to have a husband who encourages her to have sex with another man, it only shows her how much he loves her.
72. Only men who are already married themselves sleep with another man's wife (presumably because their own wife is already having an affair with another man).
73. Bosses routinely have sex with their married female employees, with no fear of sexual harassment charges being filed.
74. Every woman desires sex with their boss.
75. After sex, no woman ever tries for advancement by bribing her boss with the threat of going to his wife with details from their sordid affair.
76. Never get married if you are not prepared to have your wife cheat on you with another man, unless you yourself are willing to help her.
77. It is common practice for the groom's father and brothers to "break in" his future wife, usually on the wedding day and almost always minutes or at most hours before the ceremony.
78. When two couples swap partners for a night, both wives prefer sex with the other woman's husband over their own.
79. A woman who has refused to swallow her husband's sperm for 15 years will suddenly find herself overcome with the desire to do it for another man who she just met.
80. When a woman wants to have an affair, she immediately becomes very undiscerning and never worries that the person she finds in the bar and fucks minutes after meeting him might have a sexually transmitted disease.
81. Only married women looking to cheat on their husband go to bars.
82. Only horny young guys who are looking for married women are there to pick them up.
83. If a guy is lucky enough to peep at a woman through a small opening (keyhole, hole in wall, gap between window shade and windowsill), he will be treated to a full-blown peep show as the woman strips and masturbates.
84. If the girl notices the man peeping at her, she will smile and continue her strip-and-masturbation routine for him.
85. If the man and the woman are in locations physically close to each other (adjoining rooms, for instance), she will then burst into his room and force him to confess.
86. She will then fuck him.
87. If the wife walks in while the father is fucking his 16-year-old daughter, she will not get mad.
88. Instead she'll drops all her clothes and participate.
89. When mum/sis/aunt accidentally walks in on her masturbating 16-year-old son/brother/nephew, she knows it's time to teach him about sex.
90. She then calls him into her room.
91. She then asks him questions about his virginity.
92. She then fucks him.
93. It never crosses mum's mind that screwing her son is going to cause him problems in the future.
94. It's always her way of "looking out for him" or "getting him ready."
95. When a woman first tastes cum, she immediately loves the taste.
96. Pizza delivery boys are the fourth luckiest people on the face of the earth.
97. Hospital patients are the fifth luckiest people on the face of the earth.
98. If a big dog is mentioned in a story (even one that isn't specifically
"bestiality"), that dog will end up having sex with a human female.
99. Horses are incredibly aroused by naked human females.
100. So are dogs.
283-
A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the Deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking trucker.
After riding about 30 miles in silence the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"
"Ask you what?" replied the trucker. "If I'm a boy or a girl..." answered the youth.
"Don't matter," replied the trucker, "I'm gonna fuck ya anyway."
284-
A teenage boy and his steady girlfriend were making out in his parked car, when the boy got really turned on, and said, "Please darlin', I can't take it anymore, I have to get some relief."
- His girl replies, "You know I am saving myself until we get married!"
- He continues to plead and begs her, "What if I just put the head in for a while, just let me marinate it a little?"
- Finally getting a bit steamed up herself, she reluctantly agrees, but says, only if it's the head. So he anxiously unzips and fumbling, puts the head of his manhood into the softness of her secret treasure and that's all he does, well for about 30 seconds anyway, but in the heat of passion, he gets carried away and before you know it he's put it in entirely and is pumping away with deep thrusts for all he's worth.
- After a few minutes his lady love moans and thrilling to the mounting pleasure and a new awareness, haltingly gasps "I know we have this deal, that you are only putting the head in, but... this feels so damn good, go ahead and give it all to me!"
- Jolted to his senses, stopping in mid thrust, but thinking quickly our hero responds, "Nope, a deal’s a deal."
285-
A guy is dropping off a girl at the end of their first date. As he's kissing her goodnight, he pulls down his zipper, takes out his cock, and puts it in her hand.
She says, "I've got two words for you! Drop dead!" She jumps out, slams the car door, runs up the walk, storms in the house, and slams the front door.
Then, there's a knock on the door. She answers it, and the guy is standing there with tears in his eyes. He says, "And I've got two words for you... let go!"
286-
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all." "Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
287-
Liana was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dove in.
A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.
Having gotten out of the water and discovered her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home.
Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana. "Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town."
She jumped on his bicycle and rode side-saddle in front of him. Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?"
"Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?"
288-
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR OR SAY IN BED
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
Got any penicillin?
When is this supposed to feel good?
You're good enough to do this for a living.
But everybody looks funny naked.
How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?
Is that you I smell?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
Have you seen Fatal Attraction?
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
This would be more fun with some more people, is your brother at home?
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Did I mention the video camera?
My old boyfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
And to think-I was really trying to pick up your friend!
Hope you're looking as good when I'm sober.....
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
289-
A Survey was conducted as to why men like blow jobs:
10% liked the feeling
12% liked the dominance
78% liked the fucking silence
and most agree that the three are not mutually exclusive.
290-
Three men are walking down the street. One is from California, one is from New York, and the last is from St. Louis.
A good looking woman walks by ... the man from California states "She's about an 8."
The man from New York states "No, no ... she's a 6."
The man from St. Louis says "Hell no, she's a 1."
The two men look at the guy from St. Louis and turn to each other and say, "Well, she was not that good looking."
All three continue walking down the strip. As chance happens another woman walks by. She is more beautiful than the first.
The man from California exclaims "9"
The man from New York cries "8.5"
The man from St. Louis says "2"
The man from California and New York State, "I guess it takes all types."
Finally an extremely beautiful woman crosses their line of sight.
The man from California and New York simultaneously state "10"
The man from St. Louis states loudly, "3.5"
The man from New York asks the man from St. Louis, "What the hell is wrong with you?" "Are you gay?" "She was beautiful!"
The man from St. Louis turns to him and says, "I'm using the Budweiser method."
The man from California asks "What is that?"
The man from St. Louis responds "The Budweiser method is to see how many Clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face."
291-
RECIPE FOR SEX
You Will Need
2 Large jugs….. of milk
2 Nuts
2 Pairs of tanned & toned legs
2 Pairs of loving arms
1 Firm & ripe banana
1 Small & tight mixing bowl
1 Squirt of cream
Directions
1. Spread tanned & toned legs with loving arms
2. Carefully caress & massage jugs of milk
3. Steadily add the firm banana to mixing bowl easing in & out until fully creamed
4. As temperature increases, plunge banana deeper into mixing bowl, cover with nuts then leave to soak
5. When fully beaten, top with whipped cream
6. Recipe finished when banana is soft
7. If banana is not soft, repeat steps 2-5
Notes
1. Always wash utensils before & after use
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use
292-
A young woman experienced car trouble late one afternoon but luckily, an old man in a tow truck stopped and offered help. Not knowing the area, she asked if he could repair the car. He agreed to do it and after hoisting the car up on the truck, the two of them took the car back to the old man's garage. He looked at the engine and made an estimate about one hundred dollars more than she could pay at the time.
"Darn. Just one hundred dollars? If you weren't such an old guy," she said, "I'd fuck you for the remainder of the bill."
"Hell, I'll show you who's old!" the old man retorted. "Take off that dress and get on the car."
She giggled as she slipped off her dress and eyed the old man after he dropped his pants. He was hung like a mule!
"Oh boy!", she thought. "Not only am I going to get a great discount on the repairs,
I'm going to get the hell fucked out of me too." At that time she noticed the old man placing washers on the base of his dick. "Hey, what are you doing?" , the woman asked.
"Hell", the old man replied, "You think for just a hundred dollars, you're gonna get all of this?"
293-
The young American girl, on her very first trip to Paris, decided to test the French male's fabled expertise in the art of love-making.
On her first date, she asked him what exactly he intended to do with her.
"First," he replied, "I weel remove ze dress. Zen, I will carry you to ze bed. And zen," he added triumphantly, "I will kiss ze navel."
"Big deal !!!" she said. "I've had my navel kissed before hundreds of times."
"Ahhhhh, but of course" shrugged the Frenchman. "But... from ze inside?"
294-
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
295-
A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing. "You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.
"Nah," he replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."
"DAMN," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"
296-
A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.
297-
So this really drunk, obnoxious guy kept bothering me at the party last weekend.
What happened?
Well, he cornered me, pulled his thing out of his pants, and asked me, "Do you want to suck it?"
What did you do?
Well, I think I handled it pretty well. I just said, "No, you go ahead. You don't have enough to share."
298-
WHAT MEN SHOULDN'T SAY AFTER SEX
1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"
4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is ?"
11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."
12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"
14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"
16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"
17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave ?"
18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"
299-
A woman was looking into an expensive shop window admiring a pair of silver shoes when a guy sidled up beside her. "Like the shoes? I'll buy them for you if you come to bed with me." "Okay. But be warned - I don't like sex very much." He bought the silver shoes and took her back to his hotel where, once again, she emphasized her lack of enthusiasm. And, indeed, she just lay there motionless not giving him the slightest encouragement. So much so that he was getting bored himself. She suddenly lifted her legs high in the air and shouted, "WOW!" "I thought you didn't like sex!" he said with mounting excitement. "I don't. But I just LOVE these new silver shoes!"
300-
So this guy is between the sheets with this woman when he hears the garage door open. " It's my husband," the woman says. " Here start ironing these." tossing him a pile of shirts. The husband walks in and asks why there is this strange man ironing shirts. She tells him that he is the new housekeeper. Her husband seems to accept this. The guy stays and finishes the shirts , leaves and walks down the street to catch the bus. He can't help but brag about what just happened, and tells a man waiting next to him. The man looks at him and says," Pal are you talking about a nice looking brunette who lives in that 2 story brick job on the corner of Main and Park?" " Yes, I am." " Hell son, who do you think washed them damn shirts anyway."
301-
A midget went into a whorehouse. None of the girls wanted to provide the service for him, so finally they drew lots and Julie was the unlucky one. So they went up to the room. A minute later, there was a loud scream. The madam and all the girls charged up the staircase and into the room. Julie lay on the floor in a dead faint. Standing next to the bed was the midget, nude, and with a two foot penis hanging down and touching the floor. The girls were awe struck by the sight. Finally, one of the girls says," sir, would you mind if I felt it? I've never seen anything like that before." The midget replies," Okay, honey. But only touching. No sucking. I used to be six feet tall!"
302-
A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter. He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam." She smiled pleasantly and asked "And what do you want?" The man said, "What I WANT is to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight, then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze you, and then run my hands along your inner thighs and run them up underneath your dress and come to your sweet love hole and lightly finger it and then simultaneously unbutton your blouse with my teeth and suck on your beautiful tits and then bite your nipples lightly.... ... What I NEED is a new tie!"
303-
A brothel in the outback is going about its daily business , when the front door is kicked down by a huge cattle man armed with a giant
stockwhip. He cracks the whip, and shouts out, "Thunder, Lightning !! I want a woman !!" The madam of the house, who is a seasoned professional, says in an unperturbed manner, "Upstairs, second door on the left, leave $ 50.00 here." Which he does. Upon entering the second door on the left, he sees the woman of questionable virtue lying in a voluptuous manner upon an ornate bed. She rises slowly , and begins to sashay her way across the room. She doesn't get far. The big cattle man pushes her down on the bed, cracks his giant
stockwhip, taking off one of her earrings, and exclaims in a loud voice, "Thunder! I want a woman !!" The woman is stunned by the sudden turn of events. Before she can say anything, he turns to the light switch flicking it up and down. "Lightning !!" he cries, then he blasts off the other earring of the woman with a well placed crack of the whip. "Thunder !! I want a woman !!!" The woman is nearly deaf, and tries to compose herself. Suddenly the cattleman turns on the ceiling fan, and cries " Wind !!!" Ticky ,
ticky, ticky goes the light switch. "Lightning" cries the cattleman, and with his
stockwhip, blasts off some of her garments. "Thunder ... I want a woman." He switches the fan onto a higher setting, and cries, "Storm !!!" He plays with the light switch again screaming, "Lightning !" and with several more cracks of the old bull whip deftly removes her remaining outer garments. Her flimsy underwear struggles to contain bulging female bits. The cattleman is now getting quite worked up. He turns the fan on to full, screaming "Tempest !!" and drops his trousers and proceeds to urinate copiously all over the hapless woman. "Torrential Rain !!! " screams the cattleman, and once again plays with the light switch. "Lightning" screams the cattle man, and with his stockwhip blasts her brassiere down the middle. Two well formed breasts lunge out, begging to be fondled. Another crack of the whip slices her knickers in two to reveal a quivering
quim. "Thunder !!!..... I WANT A WOMAN" The woman of questionable virtue is now very aroused by all this and she cries out, "Go on then, you big brute, take me !!" And he says, "What? In this weather ??"
304-
A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini dress. Using the time
honoured ice breaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.
Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor."
He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straight forward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."
"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.
"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back!" he replied.
305-
On the way upstairs to her room, the prostitute said not a word to her customer. He finally said, "Are you feeling hostile tonight?"
She replied, "Missionary-style, doggy-style, hos-style, whatever turns you on!"
306-
Murphy's Laws On Sex.
Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing, say come back in the spring but don't say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
307-
A man is walking down the street, when he sees a machine with two holes and with a sign overhead that reads: 'Blow Job'. The machine has two slots, one for one dollar and one for a quarter.
He looks in his pockets and finds a dollar and a quarter. He throws the dollar in the machine and sticks his penis into the first hole. And, surprisingly, it feels good... it feels very good... And just when he's about to come, the machine stops.
So he puts his dick in the other hole and puts the quarter in. And it hurts, it hurts. At first he is not even able to take his dick out, but when he does, it's raw and covered with blood. He's crying because of the pain.
An old lady comes from behind the machine and stops to ask what's the matter. He tells her about the first hole and how *wonderful* it felt. Then he describes the hell of the second hole, and shows her his red and torn penis.
And the little old biddy smiles sweetly and says,
"You don't expect me to take out my false teeth for a quarter, do you?"
308-
AOL: America Online, this is Sue speaking.
Caller: Hi, I have some questions about American Online before I join.
AOL: Okay, ma'am, what's your question?
Caller: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something called "cybersex"... does this cost extra?
AOL: (quiet laugh in the background) Well ma'am... I don't know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online.
Caller: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.
AOL: Well it's something members typically do when they go to a chat room.
Caller: Hmmmm... I don't understand, what is cybersex??
AOL: I'm sorry, I really don't know how to explain it.
Caller: Hmmm.. well, have you ever had cybersex?
AOL: Ma'am, I don't think that's an appropriate question to be asking me. Is there anything else you need?
Caller: Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.
AOL: That's okay ma'am, anything else?
Caller: Yes, I have one more question.
AOL: Go ahead...
Caller: What are you wearing?
AOL: <click
309-
The new daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening as hey were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, 'Before we go any further, Grezelda, tell me -- do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?'
'As a matter of fact,' smiled the girl, 'I do happen to have a foot fetish.... But I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches.'
310-
You know you're kinky...
.. you keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother will never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for.
... you realize you've charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a year
... you start rating your CDs by how interesting it'll be to beat someone to
... someone asks how long you've been doing this ponygirl routine, and you snort and start to stamp your foot
... your favourite dessert is hot crossed buns ... and you don't eat sweets
... your toilet seat is leather.
... you have a list by the phone for the baby-sitter.... Hospital, Family, and three 24 hour locksmiths
... you join the SCA just so you can learn to make your own chainmail and work with leather!
... you try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs, body cavity search, humiliation scene and time in the cage.
... leather companies start giving you the wholesale to distributor discount.
311-
Jim paid $500 to a madam for a virgin whore. He was sent to an upstairs room, where a fresh-faced 18-year-old expertly sucked him to the brink of coming, then quickly finished him off in her cunt. The whole session lasted less than five minutes.
The john was not happy. "They said I'm the first man you ever fucked," he complained.
The girl looked blankly at Jim. "You might be," she smiled helpfully. "Your face looks familiar."
312-
Research has shown that a portion of a women's brain area shuts down during orgasm, but will remain active if they are faking it.
- That means if your partner is doing a crossword puzzle while she is climaxing, you are no doubt doing something wrong.
313-
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. So they go into an alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."
314-
Q: Why shouldn't you suck a twelve inch dick?
A: You could get foot in mouth disease.
315-
Sir, Having learned that you are interested in lodging, I am pleased to inform you that I have for you, should you be interested, a nice front apartment, with neat lawn on both sides of the principal entry, which was formally very narrow but which has now been enlarged by the first renter.
Some have found the lodging humid but have not been inconvenienced by that. The temperature is always the same, no matter what the season. The only inconvenience is the arrival of foreign visitors who come for a few days each month.
There is also a little rear entry, hidden by two large pieces of terrain, and I make sure that no one enters that way. Once I had to get rid of a renter who insisted in wanting to come in that doorway, which I reserved for my personal needs.
Several offers have come to me, but I don't care for people who just come and go. They often back out without notice and also create a mess. I am hoping to find a renter experienced in gardening, who knows how to keep the grass watered and keep the property up.
Gas is installed in the rear, and water in the front. The electric button, which is very sensitive, is found at the front.
Persuaded that you will be pleased, I am available to show you the property and will give you my full attention.
Miss Mandy Lifeboats
316-
Two prostitutes were talking. The first one said, "Last night I made $500 and I feel like a bottle of champagne."
"Well, last night I made $5000," said the second, "and I feel like a pot of glue!"
317-
A man goes into a little neighbourhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her. They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!"
"You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what... I live just around the corner - what do you think about coming up to my place?"
"That sounds great!" the man eagerly replies.
"Before we go up there, though," the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?"
"Well... uh... I'm not exactly sure what that is," the man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"
So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes! She has an incredibly beautiful body. "Now, you're
*sure*," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?"
"Definitely!" the man replies.
"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees."
"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man.
She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"
"Yeah! Yeah, let's go!" says the man.
The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"
The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. "Mmmf, yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"
The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out,
"GEORGE! Come and get it!"
318-
WOULD I LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU?
I'D RATHER...
I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater.
I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.
I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.
I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables whilst being bitch whipped by a fat,
moustached geek named Spyros.
I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.
I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.
I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude.
I would rather dry fuck a polar bear.... in a phone booth.
I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed haemorrhoids.
I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter.... and not a twist off either.
I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass... with a short stick.
I'd rather stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass... and jog a mile.
I would rather have sex with Pee Wee Herman in the daylight, without a bag to put over his head.
319-
The man lay naked on the grass in a secluded part of the park, a dazed but oddly happy expression on his face. "What happened?" asked the cop.
"I was - uh - minding my own business," mumbled the man, "when a gang of teenage girls came along and jumped me and - uh - tore off my clothes. And then. . . "
"And then what?"
"And then all heaven broke loose!"
320-
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now, after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent...................... 12 Calories
Without her consent............... 187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand............................ 12 Calories
With your teeth........................... 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE:
With an erection......................... 6 Calories
Without an erection................... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot......... .. 92 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary.............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up....................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow.......................... 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier.................. 912 Calories
ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately............... 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old.................. 36 Calories
30-39 years......................... 80 Calories
40-49 years......................... 124 Calories
50-59 years......................... 972 Calories
60-69 years......................... 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories
321-
Penis Mileage
Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse.
If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet, or just over a half mile of penis per year. If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet, or 55,224 yards, or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime.
Anyone whose getting more than that, well, yer just a big ol' slut. Leave some for the rest of us.
322-
Guy and girl meet at the Bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers of the bed, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom. The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on, he reaches into his pants pocket an pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.
She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for, are you some kinda pervert?"
He looks at at her, drops his shorts, and smiles kinda sexy. She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his penis which hangs more that halfway to his knees.
She then hears him say, "Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere baby...."
323-
I repeatedly hear that pornography is difficult, if not impossible, to define. Nonsense, it defines itself. Nothing could be easier.
No need to wonder about the difference between "hard core" and "soft core" pornography. The simple difference
is, "Soft core" pornography is that which gives one a soft-on.
So there... now you know.
324-
In my study of Human Nature there is only one universal truth about men that I have found ...
Gay or Straight ... they all want blow-jobs.
325-
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He sits next to him and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul: "You know that beautiful girl at work I wanted to ask out but got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up: "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "So, when are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul: "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped 'it' to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show". "Very sensible..." says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul: "and I rang the doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face..!"
326-
Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.
327-
Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would we know when to stop?
328-
Pete met Suzanne in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Suzanne invited Pete to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Suzanne began tenderly stroking Pete's manhood.
Surprised but appreciative, Pete comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more?
Suzanne replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine... "
329-
Johnny wanted to screw, Margie, a girl in his class..... but she belonged to someone else..... one day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you 100 dollars if you let me screw you".... Margie said, "NO".
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished with my work by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend, Brad..... so she called Brad and told him the story. "We could use some money to go to that concert next week," said Brad, "Tell him 200 dollars, by the time you pick up the money he won't even be able to get his pants down." So she tells Johnny and he agrees to 200 dollars.
Half an hour goes by and Brad is waiting for his girlfriend to call. After 1 hour nothing. Finally after 2 hours Brad calls and asks why she hadn't called sooner. She replies, "Do you know how long it takes to pick up 200 dollars in quarters? ."
330-
Rhyming Sex Terms
WANKY PANKY - fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky
THRUSTER BUSTER - a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway, or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent
RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken
BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual interest
DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts
TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse
PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth
FUCKIE SUCKIE - oral sex and sexual intercourse both
STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private parts by the male's hands
HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!
ANGLE DANGLE -- penis inclination immediately prior to or following an erection or ejaculation.
ASS MASS -- exterior indication of possible interior capacity.
BEAVER CLEAVER -- a red-blooded, All-American guy.
BEAVER FEVER -- an excitement beyond the normal with a resultant extremely hot beaver.
BEAVER LEAVER -- a faggot or homosexual.
BOOBIE LUBEY -- stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual interest.
BUMMER CUMMER -- failure to reach an orgasm.
CASH SLASH -- a beaver only available by rental.
CLIT SPIT -- initial lubrication of a fresh beaver.
DEAD HEAD -- a state of non-erection.
DICK TRICK -- special chemical or compound (Viagra, etc.) used to wake a sleeping or otherwise dormant dick.
ERECTION CORRECTION -- what four hands do the instant the tool slips out.
GANG BANG -- a service rendered to the significant other, and to all of his buddies.
GASKET BASKET -- birth control device, namely a diaphragm.
HANKY PANKY -- any form of sexual stimulation or persuasion designed for a later lower invasion.
HOLE POLE -- penis of larger width and of greater length than normal.
LOOSE JUICE -- stuff responsible for the wet spot left during, and after, lovemaking.
MEAT HEAT -- state of readiness in which sweat begins to accumulate upon or around the instrument of love.
MOISTER OYSTER -- an extremely eager, well lubricated beaver, even more receptive than a JUICY LUCY.
MUNCHIE HUNCHIE -- oral sex preceding sexual intercourse.
NOOKIE BOOKIE -- a crack salesman, a pimp for prostitutes.
NOOKIE CROOKIE -- someone who tries to, or does, gain a sexual favour without full consent of the person involved.
PACKIE CRACKIE -- filling a crack using a much larger than average size packer.
PECKER CHECKER -- madame or health control official in a house of pleasure.
PETER EATER -- descriptive term for individuals performing oral sex on males.
PETER METER -- unit below which love muscles are neither accepted nor admitted.
PILL THRILL -- mood while under the influence of Ecstasy or a similar mind altering substance.
POUND HOUND -- descriptive name for actions of someone making up for a long period of sexual inactivity.
SHINEY HINEY -- event involving defurring of a beaver.
SILLY WILLY -- tendency of the love muscle to either rise or fall at the wrong time.
TEAR DEAR -- drops forming in the eye of one on every occasion her virginity is again sacrificed.
TOOL FOOL -- someone who would rather play with, or admire, it than use it.
TURKEY LURKEY -- a married man lurking in the corner and ready to pounce once a single guy has softened her up with drinks and sweet talk.
TUSH BUSH -- exhibiting abundant expanse of pubic hair.
TWAT SQUAT -- sex position involving the female in the dominant position.
VAGINA DECLINER -- a faggot or homosexual.Rhyming Sex Terms
331-
A guy walks out of a house of ill repute and sits down on a park bench, deep in thought. "Man!" he says to himself. "What a business! They've got it. They sell it. And they've still got it!"
332-
Q. How is music like your sex life?
A. Three-quarter is swing time, one-quarter is ragtime.
333-
Idiot's Guide To Sex.....
* IN-> OUT<- *Repeat as often as possible*
* A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make.
* If your wife tells you sex is a 'pain in the ass,' turn her over.
* A threesome does not mean letting the dog watch you use both hands.
* A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that's a pawn shop.
* Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.
* If she says "doggy style," Do NOT whip down to the local RSPCA.
* Kama Sutra is not a martial art, therefore don't tell your lover that you have a black belt in it.
* Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account.
* If your stomach hurts it is not an orgasm, more likely indigestion or appendicitis.
334-
There are MANY ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things men should NOT to say on a date...
* Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?
* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
* No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.
* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
* People say I remind them of Peewee Herman.
* I used to come here all the time with my ex.
* I never said you NEED a nose and boob job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching and farting contest.
* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
335-
David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend. "Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored." Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had."
"How so?" replies David.
Simon relates, "That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do anything I want. So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out."
"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"
David responds, "Turns out she's allergic to nuts."
336-
Top 10 Reasons For Getting Out of Sex
10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.
9. We're out of paper bags for your head again.
8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to Big Foot.
7. You're 20 bucks short.
6. We're out of gin again.
5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.
4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.
3. I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier watching all those porno's.
2. Only if you put on this wig and act like a Chinese hooker.
1. Your gynaecologist just called. You still have crabs, and you know I don't like seafood.
337-
101 Things NOT to Say During Sex
1.. But everybody looks funny naked!
2.. You woke me up for that?
3.. Did I mention the video camera?
4.. Do you smell something burning?
5.. What tampon?
6.. Try breathing through your nose.
7.. A little rug burn never hurt anyone.
8.. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9.. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10.. But whipped cream gives me the shits.
11.. Can you make some noises, so that hottie next door thinks I'm good?
12.. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13.. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14.. Do you accept Visa?
15.. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16.. Ew - on second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17.. And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18.. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19.. Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20.. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21.. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22.. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23.. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24.. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25.. Got any penicillin?
26.. But I just brushed my teeth...
27.. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28.. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29.. I want a baby!
30.. So much for the fulfilment of sexual fantasies!
31.. (In a ménage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32.. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33.. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34.. I think you have it on backwards.
35.. When is this supposed to feel good?
36.. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37.. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38.. Is that blood on the headboard?
39.. Did I remember to take my pill?
40.. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41.. I wish you'd let me put this bag on your head...
42.. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43.. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44.. So, how's your mother?
45.. Did I tell you that I found this mattress on the side of the highway?
46.. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47.. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48.. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49.. This would be more fun with a few more grandparents.
50.. You're almost as good as my ex!
51.. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52.. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53.. You look younger than you feel.
54.. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55.. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56.. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57.. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58.. Does your husband own a sawn-off shotgun?
59.. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60.. I hope my stomach doesn't look too puffy - I haven't shat in weeks.
61.. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62.. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63.. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64.. I have a sickening confession...
65.. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66.. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67.. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68.. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69.. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70.. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71.. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72.. Did you come yet, dear? Did I?
73.. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74.. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75.. Does this count as a date?
76.. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77.. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78.. I think purple nurples are romantic - don't you?
79.. You can cook, too right?
80.. When would you like to meet my parents?
81.. Have you ever tried it in the nose?
82.. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83.. Sorry about the nametags, They're to avoid any embarrassment later.
84.. Don't mind me. I always file my nails in bed.
85.. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86.. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87.. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88.. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89.. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90.. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91.. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92.. I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.
93.. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94.. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95.. Is this a sin too?
96.. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97.. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98.. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99.. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100.. How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?
101.. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
338-
Idiot's Guide To Sex.....
* A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make.
* If your wife tells you sex is a 'pain in the ass,' turn her over.
* A threesome does not mean letting the dog watch you use both hands.
* A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that's a pawn shop.
* Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.
* If she says "doggy style," Do NOT whip down to the local RSPCA.
* Kama Sutra is not a martial art, therefore don't tell your lover that you have a black belt in it.
* Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account.
* If your stomach hurts it is not an orgasm, more likely indigestion or appendicitis.
339-
Mary: How did your blind date go the other night?
Jill: It was awful! He wanted to have a "menage a trois."
Mary: Oh, Dear!
Jill: "Oh, Dear" is right! The "trois" was inflatable!
340-
I actually learned about sex watching neighbourhood dogs. And it was good. Go ahead and laugh.
I think the most important thing I learned was: never let go of the girl's leg no matter how hard she tried
to shake you off.
341-
A man takes his newly-turned 16 years-old son to a prostitute as a birthday treat. The sum of £60 pounds was agreed and she took the boy by his arm into her room. Being a nosy fellow and wanting to know that his boy was getting his money's worth the father decides to listen in at the door.
Things get underway and very soon the foreplay gives way to intercourse, being quite new to it all the young lad is taking it carefully and stops, (thinking he's hurting her), when he hits the six inch mark as the woman starts panting and moaning heavily. Asking her if she's alright, she suddenly exclaims: "if you can give me another inch I¹ll knock £20 off your bill", the young lad duly complies, 30 seconds later the woman again says: "Give me another inch and I¹ll knock another £20 off your bill", again the lad duly complies.
Yet again, another 30 seconds later the prostitute says to the young lad: "If you can give me another inch, I¹ll give this one to you for free...", at which point the father bursts into the room, pulls his son from between the prostitutes thighs and says: ..."Stand back Son, time to see your Dad make a profit!"
342-
A white guy is sitting in a bar next to a black guy. "Hey, dude," he asks. "How's it you black dudes are so popular with the ladies?"
"Well," the black guy replies, "it's all a matter of fuckin'. When you white guys fuck, you just stick it in and Wham! Bam!
Thank you ma'am! It's all over before it's even started. When we make love to a woman, we tease her first, and then only when she begs for it, we stick it in slow, and gentle like. We put in hard, then pull it out real slow and easy. That's the secret man, tease her until she begs you for it, and then jam it in real hard and fast an pull it out real slow and gentle like. Works every time."
The white guy finishes his drink and goes home. That night, in bed with his wife, he remembers the black guy's advice. First he teases his wife until she begs him to put it in her, and then he starts fucking her, but he jams it in like before, but pulls it out very slowly and very gently.
"Hey," she says to him passionately. "When did you learn to fuck like a black guy?"
343-
A virile, young Italian man was relaxing at his favourite bar in Milan, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom for sex.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,
"So... you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed.
This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion.
The love-making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks,
"Now, you finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
The exhausted Italian falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he l ooks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again,
"You finish?"
Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear,
"No, I Swedish!"
344-
----man of few words met woman of few words. he, you wanna fuck?
she, my place or yours.
he, hell if you want to argue about it, just forget it.
345-
Bobby Ray and Susie Jane were fooling around out in the cornfield when Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I am getting so horny, you just have to let me have some." Susie Jane said, "Well, maybe I will, but it is going to cost you a quarter." Bobby Ray dug down in his pocket and said, "Susie Jane, I only got ten cents, and you just have to let me do it for ten cents." Susie Jane said, "Ain't no way I am goin to do it for no ten cents, I said a quarter."
Bobby Ray said, "I tell you what Susie Jane, how about you just give me ten cents worth?" Susie Jane said, "You must think I be crazy, cause you know you won't stop when I say you got ten cents worth.
Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I promise, I promise I will stop when you say I got ten cents worth." So they get down between two rows of corn and start going at it. After about a minute, Susie Jane said, "Bobby Ray, BOBBY RAY" and he said, "Oh Susie Jane, now don't tell me I have got ten cents worth already", and she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your left side? And Bobby Ray said, "Uhuh." And she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your right side?" Bobby Ray said, "Uhuh."
Susie May said, "BOBBY RAY, you better grab ahold of those two big cornstalks, cause I'm a fixin to loan you fifteen cents".
346-
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar, both getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down. "My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she replied. "What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the
man: "she told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex. When they get to her house she turns to the man and says: "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a black leather, dominatrix outfit.
However, as she's coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door. "What happened?", she said: "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?" He looks at her and says: "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done."
347-
Yellatio: Really loud oral sex
348-
Idiots Guide To Sex
* If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and learn the language.
* "Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the Olympics.
* A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.
* Membership of the Mile*High Club is void if you apply by yourself.
* A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.
* Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease.
* If it doesn't make you smile: you AIN'T DOIN' IT RIGHT!
* When she comes down wearing her most expensive body stocking and asks you to come to bed, don't say you first want to check your e-mail.
349-
What is the difference between frustration and panic? Frustration is the first time you discover you can't do it the second time. Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first
time
350-
Let's just say, "hypothetically," that I decided to flog my dolphin last night just before retiring for the evening. And let's just say that when I went to pee in the morning, some dried manchowder might have dried up around the opening to my prick, blocking the flow of urine. And let's just say that that blockage, might have caused urine to back up inside my rod for a second or two, creating an unusually fierce spray of piss pressure once said blockage was busted. And let's just say that this high velocity piss-stream shot off at a 45-degree angle to the left because of said blockage. Let's just imagine that this 45-degree angle caused me to hit the ear of the cat who was perched not too far away, causing said cat to FLIP OUT, screech, and perform a 4-legged leap with a half-twist and quarter roll (difficulty of 6.8). Let's just say there may have been an empty glass resting on the back of the toilet, which may or may not have been tossed off the back of the toilet by said cat in the aforementioned jump. That glass, we might say, falls really close to my foot, lodging a small shard of glass into my left foot. This lodging of said glass shard may have caused me to immediately grab said left foot, creating a situation of hopping on one leg (while still relieving myself, mind you) on a tile surface which is becoming increasingly wetter by the second. Let's just say that it only takes a few hops on one foot on a slippery surface to end a physical event of such fashion. AND LET'S JUST SAY that once my foot was taken out from underneath me, that I crashed into the shower door, knocking it off
its tracks and causing me to fall in the shower and somehow ending in a back down, face up position, legs elevated, with blood running down my leg, pee streaming down my body to my neck, and a new head-welt with massive headache to boot.
Let this be a lesson to you, next time you feel like rubbing your pole.
351-
While in the Army, a sergeant walked into the shower area one day and caught Doug giving himself a
dishonourable discharge.
Without missing a beat, Doug looked up at the sergeant and said, "It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
352-
Q: How can you tell if your date really digs oral sex?
A: She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn.
353-
There is hot sex, fast sex, oral sex, safe sex, leather sex, phone sex, group sex and for people with a face like yours, there is masturbation.
354-
What are the 2 most important holes on a women?
Her nostrils, so that she can breathe while giving a blowjob.
355-
A man goes into a little
neighbourhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her. They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!" You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?" It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies. Before we go up there though the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?" "Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is, man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!" So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body. "Now, you're *sure*," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?" "Definitely!" the man replies. "All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees." "Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man. She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?" "Yeah! Yeah!" says the man. The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?" The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. "Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!" The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, "GUS!"
356-
THE BASE RULES
First base: Kissing (with tongue).
Second base: Rubbing or fondling a girl's breasts. (Some hardcore fanatics used to insist that getting to second base required going under the shirt and unhooking the bra. Less staunch definitions allowed feeling the boobies over the shirt).
Third base: Fondling the vulva. (Unrestricted access required in all schools of thought. Any material posing as a barrier, whether denim, cotton or silk, disqualified you from being able to say 'I got to third base!'. If you reached third you had probably put a lot of time into the relationship, and thus tricked the girl into thinking you were a nice guy. A smelly finger was required as proof).
Homerun: Actual vaginal penetration. Minimum of one pump required (by both schools) before prematurely ejaculating and saying, "Wow, I never got off that fast before. You're special."
Footnotes:
Dry humping never earned its own base because it was practiced by many couples who never even reached second base.
A hand job was like being caught in a rundown between third and home plate. After a hand job many boys were unable to masturbate for days due to the torture inflicted on their poor little willies by girls who thought they were speed-shifting in the friggin' Indy 500.
Oral sex was considered a Grand slam. Unfortunately, it only came at the stage of the relationship where, A: the girl started talking about marriage. Or B: your relationship was in the pits and she just started dating someone secretly and was using you for; A: Practice. Or B: To show you what you would soon be missing. The only time oral sex was not considered a Grand slam was when you got it from a girl at a party who had blown five other guys beside yourself.
357-
Two southern girls from Georgia were sitting on their front porch one evening. One girl had just arrived back from New York and she was telling her girlfriend about some of the sites she had seen in the big city. In a heavy southern drawl, she says, "You know , they have some women up there that have sex with other women," In a whispered voice, her friend replies. "Oh my! what do they call them?" "They call them lesbians." "And there's men who have sex with other men, says the woman. "They call them homosexuals>" Then, she pauses, lowers her voice even more and says, "And ,they have these men up there that will put their face in a women's privates and kiss and lick all around..." "Do tell!" gasps her friend, "What do they call them?" Heck if I know, I just patted him on the head and called him Precious."
358-
Here's a list of my favourite things to do..... well, there's sex, you can have sex, sexual intercourse, a quickie, consummate a marriage, couple, copulate, coddle, or commit the act of procreation. You could be making whoopee, making love, love making, scrogging, slapping skin, or sweating to the oldies. You could sleep with someone, sleep together, sleep around, fool around, whore around, screw around, or just screw, shag, shank, score, fornicate, fork, pork, pump, poke, plank, pound, boff bonk, bop, bone bang, or boink. you could be dancing between the sheets, doing the horizontal bop, the horizontal mambo, the prone boogie, or even the hunka-chunka. You could be humping, bumping, humping and bumping, bumping uglies, the ol' bump and grind, or making the two backed beast. You could play doctor, hide the salami, hide the sausage, because dammit, it's the most fun you can have with your clothes off. You could break in a new mattress, or give the old one a workout. You could be squeaking the springs, annoying the
neighbours, or making a big mistake. You could get them in the sack, get little action, get a little nookie, get a piece of tail, get a piece of ass, get it on, get some, get frisky, get lucky, get laid, get all hot and sticky, or just get it wet, and,
I'm not making this up, get a little sticky steak up in this bitch. You could be mounted, mounting, rutting, breeding, starting a family, pulling the train, slamming the stack. Two for me, none for you. Not going anywhere for a while? You could turn a trick, or take pity on the poor bastard and give it away. Happy hammering, hammer, nail, sow your wild oats, lose your virginity, or induce pregnancy the old fashioned way. Take a roll in the hay, a trip to the tunnel of love, or a trip to paradise if you're taking the scenic route. Hit a home run, hit the twizzer, knock boots, tap that ass, shoplift the pootie, plunder the booty, count the ceiling tiles, ruin a friendship, or close the
scrote. Do the wild thing, do it, doing it, doing the nasty, the nasty, the old in-out in-out, dip the wick, dip the stick (or if you're with a moron you could stick the dip). Wet the noodle, check the oil, check the temperature, give her the pork sword injection, or the hot beef injection, depending on your religion. Or perhaps even commit assault with a vein laden meat pipe (that's my
favourite) You could give in, give it up, go for it, go for the gold, go for the gusto, go for broke, or even go all the way, after all, it is the fastest way to the top. You could engage in a fluid transfer, relieve some tension, relieve some pressure, or experience a hormonal episode. it's a
labour of love, hanky panky, and as a friend of mine once said "the noblest of all causes" or....you could just FUCK
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After Sex Responses
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"
360-
Guide to Great Cybersex
1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance.) It really gets difficult explaining what you are doing undressing in front of the computer, drooling out of one corner of your mouth, moaning and groaning while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard.
2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.
3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as, sweat pants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best wonder bra,
(the one that has everything pulled up so high your bellybutton is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer. Although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer. It does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company.) As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.
4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor, there are many potential emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15" screen.
5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.
6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., "oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse" (kinda puts a western slant on things), hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though. "Oh baby, you have such a big coke" (hope you got the super sized fries and burger with that). "That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint" (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial "oh fork me hard!"
7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyber partner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped offline. That always works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out."
8. Once both cyber partners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)
9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, its proper etiquette to just bump yourself offline, or just say "HUH? I never got your message." Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.
10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different. Until your next hot session....cyber on my friends!
361-
Important News for Women
1. Every blowjob you give adds one month to your life.
2. If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.
3. A hand-job a day keeps arthritis away.
4. Every ten minutes of love-making is equivalent to thirty minutes on the treadmill.
5. Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
6. Intercourse prevents divorce.
7. Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.
8. Sex eliminates headaches.
9. Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard," triples your chances of getting into heaven.
10. Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.
362-
Why fishing is better than sex!
* A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.
* You don't have to eat a fish while it's still flopping around.
* You can take a leak in the bush anytime you want.
* Stroking your rod won't piss off a trout.
* Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay
expected of you.
* Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats.
* A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.
* A red snapper won't cry if you call it a flounder.
* You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your dick.
* If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.
* A smart fish knows when to keep it's mouth shut.
* It's okay to cook a fish to make it taste good.
* Fish bite for a guy of 60, same as they do for a guy of 20.
* You're never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.
* Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.
363-
What SEX and PARKING SPACES share in common:
You should never have to wait to find one
You should be able to slide right into one
Spaces in the front are always the best
When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always suffice
It sucks when someone else is double-parked
Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back
It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only 'compact' spaces
A full-size car is good to find
People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces
Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying
We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit
A house isn't a home without a parking space
Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear
Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking in the rear?
The better your parking techniques are the more parking spaces you can get into.
364-
The RIGHT (R) and WRONG (W) things to say to a man after sex:
R: You're the one W: Next.
R: You really know how to satisfy a woman. W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane or something?
R: You're the best I've ever had. W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl.
R: What colour are your eyes? W: What colour do you want to paint the baby's room?
R: You make me forget my problems. W: You make me forget I'm just 15.
R: I think we should go away for the weekend. W: I think we should go to the clinic.
R: I love you. W: I love you.
365-
What's the difference between spit and swallow?
Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.
366-
ORGASM TYPES
Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the ex-vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = Odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theatre = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = Scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavis and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms
367-
I repeatedly hear that pornography is difficult, if not impossible, to define. Nonsense, it defines itself. Nothing could be easier.
No need to wonder about the difference between "hard core" and "soft core" pornography. The simple difference
is, "Soft core" pornography is that which gives one a soft-on.
So there...now you know
368-
Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world...
....it's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
369-
Persuasion was necessary, but the amorous man had finally gotten his girlfriend between the sheets. In due course he made love to her, finally burying his sword in her sheath and beginning to screw away.
"Be careful," she panted. "I think I have a weak heart."
"Don't worry," he said, without missing a stroke. "I'll take it very easy when I get up to the heart!"
370-
Things Overheard While Having Sex
"A hundred bucks?!? What can I get for ten?"
"Mmmmm, yeah baby, take it off! C'mon, nice & slow ... That's goo-- AAAARRGGGG!! Disconnected again! Friggin' AOL!!!"
"Dammit! They just don't make these colostomy bags as strong as they used to!"
"Oooh, you're so BIG! Oooh, you're so POWERFUL! Oooh, your batteries just died!"
" ... 'Rectum? It nearly killed him.' Get it? Wait ... come back!"
"No, really, I always yawn like that when I climax."
"It's called a 'bra.' Women wear them under their clothes."
"Don't laugh -- if *all* penises were this small, birth control would be a thing of the past!"
"OK, now put on the Deanna Troi mask and say 'Captain, I can sense your throbbing manhood!' ...No, no, try it again with more accent!"
"Oh, Baby! Here I expected 5, and you whip out 13!!"
"Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed."
"Top 5? C'mon, it's more like the Top 3 1/2!"
"Wait! Wait! We can't start until I find my beret!!"
"Dammit Mum! Knock first!"
"OK, this time, *you* be Martha Stewart and *I'll* be Rico the gardener."
"Look, lover boy, $120 means $120 -- I don't give a shit if that works out to $240 a minute."
"Mind if I wedge my calculator under your breast there while we're doing this?"
"Shave it? You're lucky I washed it."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *WAS* the original body model for the Ken doll. How in the world did you guess?"
"Baa-a-a-a-a"
371-
The Top 10 Home Penis-Enlargement Techniques
10. Really grippy pliers.
9. A couple dozen layers of duct tape, a coating of Bondo, and some tan spray paint.
8. Insert bicycle tire pump to the business end and inflate to 35 psi.
7. Just pull on it a couple hundred times each day while staring at your computer monitor. Hasn't worked yet, but I'm sticking with it anyway.
6. Inject a solution of warm water and active dry yeast, and keep in a warm location.
5. Finally put that taffy-pulling machine to good use.
4. Place penis on flat surface, apply hammer until member has swollen to desired size.
3. Break off your relationship with Lorena Bobbitt.
2. Tie a string around it, then tie the other end to your dog's leash before taking him for his walk.
1. Daily workouts with your "Wienercize!" videotape.
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The Not So Well Documented Side Effects Of Viagra
1. At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting the table floats;
2. You begin to look at the dog with interest;
3. Your face is very pale due to lack of blood;
4. When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. They begin to call you "The Tripod";
5. You begin to think your mother-in-law is pretty;
6. Sunbathing nude outside standing, birds perch on it; Sunbathing nude outside lying down, you look like a sundial;
7. Everyone at the bank, grocery store etc....lets you go to the front of the line;
8. Compared to you Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar;
9. You always lose limbo contests;
10. Lewinsky wants you to be President someday;
11. You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick;
12. You sleep on your back so you had to remove the ceiling fan.
373-
Dirty Mind Test
Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer, give yourself two points, for every incorrect answer deduct two points. Answer at bottom of page. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score less than 14 points and are male...send address and photos! You may begin... now!
CLUES
1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.
3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger.
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.
5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
6. When I go in, I can produce pain. I cause you to spit, and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.
7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.
9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You like to blow me.
10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.
11. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.
12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
13. My business is done in briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.
ANSWERS
1. Nose
2. Peanut Butter
3. A Crane
4. The Titanic
5. A Tent
6. A Dentist
7. A Wedding Ring
8. An Elevator
9. Chewing Gum
10. News Paper Boy
11. A Glove
12. An Arrow
13. An Attorney
374-
This guy is really into blow up dolls and rings his mail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic.
The supplier says, "I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina', So realistic you can't tell the difference!"
The guy orders one. Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks, so he decides to blow it up. Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll.
Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy.
A month later the guy calls up, "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am."
Supplier, "That's great!"
Guy, "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience."
Supplier, "Realistic then?"
Guy, "So realistic...I got syphilis."
375-
Top Twenty Signs She May Think Sex With You Is Boring
20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
18. Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"
17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
16. Only moans during commercial breaks.
15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead
10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."
9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating....
4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centrefold to hurry you along.
3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her chequebook better.
2. She yells out her own name
1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
376-
During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report.
The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"
A female voice followed with, "The hell with that ...Who was 'HE?' "
377-
Idiot's Guide To Sex.....
* IN-> OUT<- *Repeat as often as possible*
* A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make.
* If your wife tells you sex is a 'pain in the ass,' turn her over.
* A threesome does not mean letting the dog watch you use both hands.
* A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that's a pawn shop.
* Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.
* If she says "doggy style," Do NOT whip down to the local RSPCA.
* Kama Sutra is not a martial art, therefore don't tell your lover that you have a black belt in it.
* Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account.
* If your stomach hurts it is not an orgasm, more likely indigestion or appendicitis.
378-
A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night."
379-
A guy goes for a job as a bouncer in a brothel; the manager is very impressed and offers him a superb package including company car, free life insurance etc. The best of the perks is he is promised a free bunk up with the girl of his choice every night.
Needless to say he takes the job. At the end of the first day the manager comes up to him and tells him to take his pick of the girls, the guy picks the blonde in the schoolgirl uniform and off they go to a private room.
Much to his surprise she just gives him a quick one off the wrist and leaves the room.
"That's odd" thinks our hero, "perhaps she's tired today."
At the end of day two he picks a redhead dressed up as a nurse same thing happens, back to the room and a quick one off the wrist.
"Oh well" thinks our none too bright hero "I'm tired myself tonight so I won't worry."
Anyway, this goes on the rest of the week, every night a different girl and every night just a quick one off the wrist.
At the end of the first week the MD asks our man if he has any comments at all, usual stuff, they are pleased with him etc. but does he have anything to say.
Our man may be slow but shyness is not one of his qualities so he tells the MD that all the girls have just given him a quick one off the wrist but he was promised a bunk up every night.
To this the MD replies, "But surely you realize you have to work a week in hand"
380-
When you think of it, there are only two things people need.
You got to have sex. You got to have food. That's it. You don't need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it's sex and food.
But for some reason, some people think sex is dirty. Maybe God was a Republican.
Somebody said, "All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that's it." But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: "Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, we'll have a hell of a time."
What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word.
When people got angry at you, they'd yell out "Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper." Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork. Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. "Oh my god. It's a pepperoni."
Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut."
Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states. Supermarkets would check I.D.s and charge admission to the poultry section. Frederick's of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates. Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.
Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. "All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister."
Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area. Hookers would become cooks.
You'd be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?"
Fundamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet. Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic. Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they'll go blind. Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating.
381-
Ladies, what kind of dick are you getting?
MISERABLE DICK - When the guy is extremely handsome. He says the right things and does the right things. When it comes to sex, he is lacking in this department. He sucks your tits too hard, kisses your mouth too long, stays around your neck forever, fingers you like a GYN Doctor, licks your pussy like he's in a track meet and has a very small dick. You try to give him some head, only to find that you are actually sucking a pacifier. This is so miserable. You think, "how can a guy so fine, so polite be so weak" To top everything off ladies, how about just when in your mind you're going to try to get the best out of this, even if you have to make yourself cum, and he beats you to the punch.
DAMN TOLERABLE DICK - This is funny dick. He eats major pussy. He eats it so good, your knees feel a little weak. It was good enough to make you shed a tear. Then he puts his dick in, just for you to realize that you cannot really feel it!! His stroke is UN-timely and non-rhythmic. You work with it by riding on it as if you were in a Wild Wild West Movie. You hold your pelvis real tight and try to visualize the last big dick you had to get your mind off this less filling dick. It's funny because in the man's mind he'll say, that we just have big pussies from having too much sex and that is why we cannot feel him. Only for them to forget that the pussy is a muscle that accommodates the size of the penis.
INTERNET DICK - Well, how would we define this type of dick? You see, online they talk a damn good game, but you never know what to expect in person. Then you meet and you fuck and the dick is trash. They talk the bottom out of it, but HE COULD NOT MAKE YOU CUM!!!
OVERWHELMED DICK - I believe this dick ladies we all can testify to. Whoa! This is the type of dick you misjudged. You saw some signs of weakness in this man. He always caters to you and really does not discuss what he can do in bed with you. When kissing him, you notice you make his knees weak. You hold out on giving him some and tease him. You know what size dick he has because you have either: (a) Already gave him some mean ass head, or (b) Stroked it while he was wearing pants or boxers. So, you thought in your mind, "I am going to whip him." Only to find he laid the "SMACK DOWN" on your pussy. He had you in a figure eight. You were so overwhelmed that you could not even speak. Your whole pre-calculated fuck was down the drain. He had more game than you. He was like an energizer bunny that keep going and going and you kept cumming and cumming. Now you look at him in a different light.
PUNISHABLE DICK - This is the dick that pisses me off the most. You see, the guy you're sleeping with punishes your pussy. If he has a bad day at work he "punishes your pussy". If he has a bad meal, "he punishes your pussy". If he is pissed off at you, he punishes your pussy." No matter what, he "punishes your pussy". It is easy to tell if the guy you're with falls into this category. He always uses phrases like these when he is fucking you: "DON'T RUN FROM THIS DICK", "AIN'T THIS SOME GOOD DICK?" "TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS DICK", "WHAT'S MY NAME?", "WHO'S PUSSY IS THIS?", "I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKIN' SHIT NOW", "YOU LIKE IT WHEN I GET IN THIS PUSSY DON'T YA?".
GUILTY DICK - The dick you're getting from someone who is not your man. Ladies who have cheated on their man temporarily can say, "AMEN" to this type of dick. Ladies, this is the type of dick that makes you cry and confess to your man you fucked someone else. The guilty dick made you want to tell somebody. Guilty dick is in a class of its own. Guilty dick will make you look and feel different about the dick you got at home. Guilty dick makes you have multiple orgasms. Makes you cry and you have no clue to why. This dick is so intense, when it is being administered it sends you into a trance. He has a slow, long stroke, sweats on you, asks you if your comfortable about six times, you started at 6PM and it is now going on 9PM and he is not tired and hasn't cum yet. The lips on your pussy are so swollen that if you got outta bed they would be draggin' the ground. It hurt so good. He licks on your pussy as if he was a baby cat licking warm milk, he
savours it like you're the main course meal. He smells it like fine wine. By now you're in shock and forget about your man. He has at least two inches more than your man. When you're back with your man, you're wondering why he can't perform like guilty dick. You even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct him to do what guilty dick did to you.
PLEASURABLE DICK - This is good. Easy dick. Dick you can call when your body needs a fix. He gives you major head like GUILTY DICK, and fucks you like GUILTY DICK. Only thing is, you do not have a man so you're not feeling guilty. Whenever you call, this dick is ready. His dick craves your pussy. This dick is available in any place at anytime.
GOTDAMN DICK - Ladies, now this is dick that will definitely send you to hell if you're not married to it. This dick is just like PLEASURABLE and GUILTY DICK. His dick is anywhere from 9.5 to 11 inches long and has the circumference of a half dollar. This dick makes you numb, cry and pray all at the same time. While he is getting it doggy style, you look towards the heavens and say, "GOTDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD DICK".
CAP'N DICK - This is the gold mine dick. This dick is the dick that you commit yourself too. You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept secret. In fact, you constantly crave and feign for it. When you get this dick, you go through convulsions. This is the dick that makes you EVERREADY. You call in sick from work for it. This dick is so major it is OVERWHELMED DICK, PLEASURABLE DICK, GUILTY DICK and GOTDAMN DICK all in one. This is the dick that you want to put insurance on, just in case anything should happen to it. This dick makes you stutter while speaking and has you nervous for no reason. You lay back afterwards thinking "THIS IS HOMEWRECKIN', GOTTA TELL MY MAMA, GOTTA TELLS SOMEBODY, ANYBODY DICK"
Now ladies, which one would/do you have?!!!
382-
A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."
He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is:
"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."
383-
Morris was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.
"What the hell is your problem?" the lady asked.
"I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friend's pussy," the man moaned.
The lady reached over and patted him on the back. "Well, if that's all it is, you can stop worrying," she said. You're not getting his pussy. ..."His pussy is three to four inches deeper."
384-
There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his son. They used to go everywhere together including looking for "chicken" (Chinese slang for prostitute).
One day, Chung, the son decided to go overseas for study. The father was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him,
"Chung we cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not suspect."
So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from Chung, the son,......(shooting bird - $500).
Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is more than $1000. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his son.
"Chung Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one".
A month later, Cheng, the father, received another bill from his son. On it he had written: Shooting Bird - $50 Rifle Repair - $2,000
385-
New Sexual Positions
The IRS position, where you just bend over and take it up the ass with no lube.
The Humidor (requires a cigar and an intern).
The Monday Night Football (actually just doggie style done facing the TV with the game on with her in the football jersey of your
favourite team).
The Kentucky Derby (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc on the bed linens!
Oral Submarine. The guy must Dive...Dive ... Dive.
The Bugs Bunny: It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs pinned behind her head.
The British telecom position: you get SCREWED by them and they never call you back.
The Grenade Position...I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me.
The Enron Position...no matter what, you're getting it up the ass.
Totally Screwed - the position you in when your spouse comes in early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of...
The ever-famous "No, you gotta get your leg up higher...no, not like that, like this...NO it's got to be HIGHER than that. No, like this...oh, yeah that'd work...if you were the one with the vagina...NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind...I don't even wanna do it anymore. No, I won't give you head. No, we can't try again...Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator... Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up! GAWD!"
386-
Idiot's Guide To Sex
1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhoea.
2. There is no need for dice in role playing.
3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.
4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.
5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.
6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.
7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break.
8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.
9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.
10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes.
387-
A very talented inventor devised an artificial pussy.
You could not distinguish it from the real thing.
Realizing what a money maker he had devised, he approached a sea captain who was embarking on a six month cruise.
He made an agreement with the captain to split the profits 50/50 and charge each sailor $2.00 to utilize it.
Upon the end of the voyage the inventor was standing on the pier awaiting the ship.
The ship tied up and the captain came down the gangway.
The two embraced and the inventor asked: "How much did we make?"
The captain reached in his pocket, drew out a dollar bill and handed it to the inventor.
The inventor blew his stack.
He screamed, "What the hell, one dollar, didn't they like it?"
The captain responded: "Oh yeah, oh yeah, the first guy liked it so much he ate it!!"
388-
A guy was on his first date with a sexy girl. After dinner, they went back to her apartment. In a short while, the foreplay got pretty hot and heavy. She seemed to be enjoying his progress as he put his hand down the front of her panties. "Ouch!" she suddenly cried. "Your ring is hurting me!"
"Ummm..." he said a bit uncomfortably, "that's my Timex."
389-
A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.
Membership of the Mile-High Club is void if you apply by yourself.
If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and learn the language.
"Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the Olympics.
A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.
Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a disease.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
390-
Three Southern Belles are talking in
downtown Alabama.
The first says" I got a new boyfriend and I call him stiff six because he has six inches of the stiffest"
The second says "I got anew boyfriend too and I call him Super Eight because he has eight inches and it's super," and says to the third girl, " what about you Lulu"
"Oh I got the same old boy friend and I call him Drambuie", says the third girl
"Dram Buie---Dram Buie" says the second girl, "that's some kind of fancy liquor"
"Yup That's my boy"
391-
A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental prostitute and asks? "Is it true Asian women have vaginas that run sideways?"
"Why?" she asks, "Are you a harmonica player?"
392-
Safe Sex Options
These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe":
- Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.
- Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.
- Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."
- Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.
- Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.
- When taking two cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.
- Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"
- Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating farm animals.
- You CAN get it from kissing -- tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.
- To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.
- If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best.
393-
THINGS A GUY DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR HIS BLIND DATE SAY:
I'm glad we have this date tonight. My boyfriend just got out of prison and I really didn't want to be alone.
Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see if my test results are in.
Don't worry, I've got the training sessions cut down to an hour if you're a good boy and pay attention.
That's odd, you sounded handsome on the phone.
Do you have to shine your bald spot or does that glare just happen?
This is my first date since I was released from Bellevue. They think that schizo-paranoia thing was because of unresolved issue's in my past lives. By the way, why do you keep calling me Mary?
Turn here! That looks like my husband's car ahead.
You look surprised. Didn't you know I was a male impersonator.
I'm sorry, something came up and I can't make it, but I've arranged for my cousin Grunhilda to go out with you. Have you ever dated a female wrestler before?
Could you pull into that gas station? I need to change my diaper.
I'm twelve!!
394-
TOP 10 REASONS WHY CYBER SEX IS BETTER
10. If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name.
9. Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
8. If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.
7. You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself.
6. Viagra! Who needs Viagra?
5. Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends.
4. Three words: No shotgun weddings.
3. All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela Anderson.
2. They never have to know you live in your parents basement.
1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.
395-
CYBER SEX REJECTION FORM
Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name), I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair.
Below, you will find the reason(s) for this action:
_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it.
_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings.
_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.
_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:
_____ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man.
_____ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a woman.
_____ You typed your own name at the end.
_____ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.
_____ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.
_____ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.
______ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __jpg __ police record.
______ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.
______ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the end of times come. They are closer than you think.
______ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special...as in cyber cheating.
______ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.
______ I am entering the witness protection program.
Please understand, _________ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten SOB __ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart.
Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,
__ Sincerely, __ Gleefully, __ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out," __ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs __ Good riddance
(alias)
396-
WOMEN AND SEX
70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.
Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.
Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.
Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.
Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.
National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.
In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.
Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.
White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.
Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.
Atheists, non-Christians and Jews tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.
Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.
Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.
Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.
Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.
White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.
20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.
So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking for: A 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4 Black/1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D., wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who lived with her single mum! Shouldn't be too hard.
Happy hunting.
397-
Reasons Masturbation Is Better Than Real Sex
1. Your hand always lets you finish first.
2. It's free.
3. Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It's all I can get.
4. You call the position.
5. "Premature ejaculation"????????
6. No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.
7. Your privates are your best friend.
8. Your girlfriend is just a piece of skin that you have sex with.
9. Gives a single man good reason to wash his socks.
10. Easier to join their "Mile High Club."
11. You get to scream out your own name.
12. Peeing is considered foreplay.
13. Nobody ever says, "Why is it all green and wrinkly?"
14. You'll never have two women, but you'll always have two HANDS!
15. Four words: "Brad Pitt hand puppet."
16. You can do it and play Interactive Top Ten at the same time.
17. Don't have to clean up fur afterwards.
398-
After Sex Quotes
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"
399-
Do you know why sex is a simple, three-letter word?
Because it's easier to spell than: UhhhhhoooohhAhhhhhhAIIEEEEEEEahahahahahohgoddon'tstopnowyou're sogoodIcan'tstandthisanylongerohohohohohpleasenownownowyesyesyesyes ohhhhhhhgawdyessssssssssssss
400-
Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. The other ten percent of them sing."
"Really?" asked the friend.
The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"
The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."
The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."
401-
Sex tips from dumb guys...
A French Tickler has nothing to do with your girlfriend's French Poodle.
Light sockets and/or bulbs make poor substitutes for sexual partners.
If she has a foot fetish she'll go wild for sex if you keep all your toenail clippings in a jar beside the bed.
Despite the name, K-Y Jelly doesn't go that well with peanut butter.
Staring at a woman's breasts is a great way to break the ice and start a conversation. If that doesn't work right away, make the radio tuning knob gesture with both hands.
Using condoms while masturbating cuts clean up time in half.
If a woman has large hands that turn you off, focus your eyes on something else, like her Adam's apple.
402-
Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely, and finally consented to going out on a date with Morris, the gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.
Morris picked up her and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot. Morris also had been widowed for a long time and found himself very attracted to Sadie, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her.
Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed "I don't know how I can face my daughter, knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"
Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"
Sadie looked at Morris and said, "...Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?"
403-
Tired of the boring "straights" she'd been laying, a gal decided she'd find out if bikers were really the heavy "cocksmen" that she heard they were.
So she picked up a gigantic biker and went with him up to his pad. Stripped and ready, anxiously awaiting some real action, she was astonished to see that his fully erect dick was only two inches long.
"Who," she demanded scornfully, "do you think you're gonna satisfy with that?"
Grinning confidently, the biker replied, " Me!"
404-
WOULD I LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU? I'D RATHER...
I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater. I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.
I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.
I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables whilst being bitch whipped by a fat,
moustached geek named Spyros.
I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.
I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.
I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude.
I would rather dry fuck a polar bear....in a phone booth.
I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed haemorrhoids.
I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter....and not a twist off either.
I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass...with a short stick.
I'd rather stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass...and jog a mile.
I would rather have sex with Pee Wee Herman in the daylight, without a bag to put over his head.
405-
The Top Warnings on Condom Packages ...
Purchase of this product does not guarantee opportunity to actually use this product.
Improper attachment may create choking hazard.
DANGER: You *do* realize he's never going to call you after this, don't you?
We call it "large," but that's just to make you feel better, stud.
This product does not prevent beer-goggle regret.
"Ribbed" is in no respect meant to imply any guarantee that your particular use of this object will actually result in "her pleasure."
Caution: Contents should not be mixed with alcohol and high school reunions.
The United States Government has recommended a Constitutional Amendment banning use of this product by anyone who is single or under 18 years of age.
The baby you prevent with this prophylactic will forever jab your sinning ass with pitchforks in Hell.
Only to be used in a locked and upright position.
Warning: May be used by paedophile circus clowns to make balloon French poodles.
Using this condom for same-sex acts is inconsistent with U.S. government policy -- and don't think we're not watching, Fancy-Boy!
Caution: Removal process may involve painful yanking of pubic hair.
Not to be taken internally unless filled with cocaine.
Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking after use of this product has been found to cause cancer in happy, sexually satisfied laboratory animals.
406-
A
Cautionary Tale
407-
Good Reasons to Try On Your Mate
"If I eat a lot of sugar first, it'll be just like those Cadbury Creme Eggs that you like so much."
"Honey, I was thinking: you know how you like fresh salmon and steamed clams?"
"No, I swear, Honey, the TV remote is in there somewhere. Just keep looking."
"So, twenty bucks then?"
"No honey, that's not moss growing out of my navel -- it's mistletoe!"
"With my thighs covering your ears, you won't have to listen to Oprah."
"Honey, try this and tell me if it tastes funny to you..."
"At work today Brad Johnson said *his* wife could out-blow *my* wife! Can you imagine?!?"
"Look, do you want that raise or not?"
"The Taliban has outlawed it -- it's your patriotic duty, dammit!"
408-
I think we could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex. Everyone would pay their share. Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older.
It would also promote family values. How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask, "Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?" Or be a teenager and come home to your dad with your tax bill in his hand.
We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review people's returns.
Locker room conversations would change... "Get a load of this tax bill!"
The forms would change a little also. We would now have a 1040Quickee.
And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase..
"Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
409-
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".
The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.
410-
This friend of mine spreads some light on the vegan swallowing mystery...
Actually the question of whether or not it is okay for a vegetarian or vegan to give BJs, and if so, if it was all right to swallow, the general consensus is:
1. It is perfectly all right to give BJs because no animal is harmed in the process. And
2. It is okay to ingest sperm because it is not an animal. Also, sperm is a good source of protein, something that is often lacking when meat is removed from the diet. You're still my
favourite lap dance, Lacey
Can you guys imagine dating one of these gals? I can see it in my mind's eye; your vegan girl comes home from work all worn out, craving your meat. She looks at you and says, "I need to blow you. I haven't had enough protein today. I'm dizzy and weak and only a protein vanilla slurpee will do."
Damn. A breed of women who not only like performing oral sex, but consider it nourishment. I gotta get me a
vegan.
411-
Sex Quiz.....
1. The most erotic experience a woman over 35 can have is:
a. having her knees rubbed with sour cream
b. simultaneously using the food processor, the blender, and the microwave
c. reading a sex quiz
d. shopping for shoes
2. When a businessman buys a red Mercedes, he is hoping to:
a. acquire a mistress
b. attract his neighbour's wife
c. preserve his youth
d. get a tax write-off
3. A marriage is in trouble when the husband brings home from the video store:
a. Kitten with a Whip
b. Sex Slaves of New Haven
c. Emmanuelle II meets Rocky IV
d. The girl who works behind the counter
4. Condoms are not recommended for use:
a. before the 15th of the month
b. after the 15th of the month
c. immediately after sex
d. by children under 10
5. Religious families generally have large families because:
a. they generally have more children
b. they just have natural rhythm
c. the Bible forbids television
d. they're just lucky
6. The Bible condemns homosexuals because:
a. they go to the theatre a lot
b. they look too much like heterosexuals
c. they don't keep two sets of clothes
d. it's impossible to determine who should take out the garbage
7. After their 35th birthday, fewer than 10% of women ever achieve:
a. multiple orchids
b. a satisfactory weight-loss program
c. a job that pays as much as a man's
d. comfortable shoes
8. It is not uncommon for the average male to worry about the size of his:
a. bank account
b. piano
c. office
d. necktie
9. In addition to traditional methods, AIDS can also be transmitted by:
a. petting goldfish
b. handling chicken fat
c. kissing the family dog
d. bloody bar room brawls
10. Conception has been known to occur in:
a. the ovarian tubes
b. Eustachian tubes
c. the Goodyear tube station
d. back seat of a Camaro
11. "Time of the month" refers to:
a. ovulation
b. undulation
c. a new moon
d. the weekend of AFC vs. NFC championship football
12. Testosterone is a kind of:
a. Italian ice cream
b. testimony given in an Italian court
c. umpire in an Italian cricket match
d. Italian chicken fat
13. An erogenous zone is an area where:
a. women tend to fall asleep
b. women tend to develop sudden headaches
c. men tend to laugh before the punchline
d. it is forbidden to park your rogenous
14. At least 50% of males suffer from premature:
a. emasculation
b. matriculation
c. baldness
d. laughter before the punchline
15. Judeo-Christian tradition frowns on:
a. premarital sex
b. post-marital sex
c. the opposite sex
d. carnal knowledge with non-kosher animals
16. The average frequency of sexual relations is:
a. 78.8 megahertz
b. 92.3 kilohertz
c. 98.4 oyithertz
d. depends on how often your wife works late
17. Which is not considered erotic vocabulary:
a. doo-doo
b. thingamajig
c. doggie-woggie
d. Who owns this pussy?
18. In your personal experience, sex is:
a. overrated but undersupplied
b. oversupplied but not overpriced
c. over there but not over here
d. over
If you answered a. to all of the above.... you got some of them right.
412-
Two city girls and one farm girl met with a
counsellor before getting married to discuss birth control methods. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were they going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their future husbands and all agreed to wait awhile. The
counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "the rhythm method" "That will work as long as you keep really good records" said the
counsellor. He asked the second girl what method of birth control she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills" she said. The
counsellor replied, "Yes, that will work, as long as you don't forget to take them. He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. The farm girl said, "The pail and saucer method." After a short pause, the
counsellor, obviously miffed, said, "Right. I guess that should work." He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going. They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was slim and trim yet. The
counsellor asked the first girl, "What birth control did you use,,,,, and what went wrong???" She replied, "I used the rhythm method,,, but somehow my notes got mixed up and, well, here I am, preparing to have a baby in about 6 weeks!!!" He asked the second city girl, "What birth control method did you use, and what went wrong??" She replied, "The birth control pill, but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have any pills with me. As you see, I too am going to have a baby pretty soon!!!" He then said to the farm girl, "I vaguely remember that you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me??? It seems to have worked very well for you." She replied, "Well, we always be sure to make love standing up. Since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail that is turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes. When they get as big as saucers I kick the pail out from under him !!!"
413-
A sailor who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was due back in port. "I have missed you so much and I can't wait to make love to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we can do it as soon as I step ashore."
The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a reply. "I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I will not be checking I.D. cards!"
414-
Things Overheard While Having Sex
"A hundred bucks?!? What can I get for ten?"
"Mmmmm, yeah baby, take it off! C'mon, nice & slow ... That's goo-- AAAARRGGGG!! Disconnected again! Friggin' AOL!!!"
"Dammit! They just don't make these colostomy bags as strong as they used to!"
"Oooh, you're so BIG! Oooh, you're so POWERFUL! Oooh, your batteries just died!"
" ... 'Rectum? It nearly killed him.' Get it? Wait ... come back!"
"No, really, I always yawn like that when I climax."
"It's called a 'bra.' Women wear them under their clothes."
"Don't laugh -- if *all* penises were this small, birth control would be a thing of the past!"
"OK, now put on the Deanna Troi mask and say 'Captain, I can sense your throbbing manhood!' ...No, no, try it again with more accent!"
"Oh, Baby! Here I expected 5, and you whip out 13!!"
"Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed."
"Top 5? C'mon, it's more like the Top 3 1/2!"
"Wait! Wait! We can't start until I find my beret!!"
"Dammit Mum! Knock first!"
"OK, this time, *you* be Martha Stewart and *I'll* be Rico the gardener."
"Look, lover boy, $120 means $120 -- I don't give a shit if that works out to $240 a minute."
"Mind if I wedge my calculator under your breast there while we're doing this?"
"Shave it? You're lucky I washed it."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *WAS* the original body model for the Ken doll. How in the world did you guess?"
415-
A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young woman in her short mini-skirt. Using the
time-honoured ice breaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.
Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll get out of me by plying me with liquor."
He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."
"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asks.
"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replies.
416-
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked okay for a 50-year-old.
We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snog and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?
417-
Rough Sex Facts
Body: Giving .........head. ...... Massages the jaw....while burning 32 calories.
Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it whitens your teeth
The American Dental Association says that semen cuts plaque better than mouth wash, so suck a dick and save a smile.
Having nice sex burns 358 calories.
Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories.
Take off her clothes
With her consent..... ......... ......... ..12 cal
Without..... ......... ........187 cal
Take off her Bra
With two hands....... ......... ......... .8 cal
With one hand........ ......... ........12 cal
With mouth....... ......... ......... ....85 cal
Put on Protection
Hard ............ ......... ..... 6 cal
Soft........ ......... ......... 315 cal
Foreplay
Looking for target...... ......... ....8 cal
Finding G spot ............ ......... .92 cal
I don't Fucking care........ ......... ....0 c
Entry
Holding her......... ......... 12 cal
On the floor....... ......... .8 cal
With Different Position
Missionary.. ......... ......... ......358 cal
Doggy....... ......... ......... ..316 cal
69 lying....... ......... ......... ......286 cal
69 standing.... ......... ......... .......512 cal
Italian hanger...... ......... ......... .912 cal
Orgasm
Real........ ......... ......... ......112 cal
Faking...... ......... ......... ........315 cal
After "O"
Lying in Bed......... ......... ......... ..18 cal
Hop off the bed......... ......... ......... .36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off......... ..816 cal
Get dressed
Quiet and calm........ ......... ......... .32 cal
Rushing..... ......... ......... ..98 cal
Heard her boyfriend opening the door........ .....1218 cal
Heard her dad at the door........ .....1942 cal
Her mum walking in.......... ......... ......... ..Priceless! !!LOL
418-
Q. What's the definition of an 11?
A. A 10 that swallows!
419-
Q: What comes after 69?
A: Mouthwash.
420-
A couple was strolling hand in hand across the nudist camp.
The young man suddenly lowered his head and confessed, "Don't look now Cathy, but I think I'm falling in love with you."
421-
Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her. After some really passionate embracing, he said,
"Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Jack was amazed.
"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"
422-
Bobby Ray and Susie Jane were fooling around out in the cornfield when Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I am getting so horny, you just have to let me have some." Susie Jane said, "Well, maybe I will, but it is going to cost you a quarter." Bobby Ray dug down in his pocket and said, "Susie Jane, I only got ten cents, and you just have to let me do it for ten cents." Susie Jane said, "Ain't no way I am goin to do it for no ten cents, I said a quarter."
Bobby Ray said, "I tell you what Susie Jane, how about you just give me ten cents worth?" Susie Jane said, "You must think I be crazy, cause you know you won't stop when I say you got ten cents worth.
Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I promise, I promise I will stop when you say I got ten cents worth." So they get down between two rows of corn and start going at it. After about a minute, Susie Jane said, "Bobby Ray, BOBBY RAY" and he said, "Oh Susie Jane, now don't tell me I have got ten cents worth already", and she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your left side? And Bobby Ray said, "Uhuh." And she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your right side?" Bobby Ray said, "Uhuh."
Susie May said, "BOBBY RAY, you better grab ahold of those two big cornstalks, cause I'm a fixin to loan you fifteen cents".
423-
A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert, never having seen a woman. They finally decided to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it.
After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades.
The private began, "And on the third day..."
"No! no! start with the first day," everyone yells out in chorus.
"And on the third day, " the private continues, "she asked me to stop so that she could go to the bathroom."
424-
Fishing vs Sex
#19 - No matter how much whisky you've had, you can still Fish.
#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.
#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.
#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.
#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself. #9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighbourhood to buy Fishing stuff.
#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for Fishing harassment.
#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your
favourite activity.
#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?
425-
Top 10 Reasons For Getting Out of Sex
10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.
9. We're out of paper bags for your head again.
8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to Big Foot.
7. You're 20 bucks short.
6. We're out of gin again.
5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.
4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.
3. I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier watching all those porno's.
2. Only if you put on this wig and act like a Chinese hooker.
1. Your gynaecologist just called. You still have crabs, and you know I don't like seafood.
426-
Buggery is boring.
Incest is relatively boring.
Necrophilia is dead boring.
Coprophilia is boring shit
427-
Doug meets Bill at the bar for their usual after work drink.
Bill is sitting there looking somewhat depressed.
Doug asks, "What's wrong pal?"
Bill replies, "Well, I finally succeeded in talking my girlfriend in to a threesome."
"Wow, lucky you. But why the long face?" Doug remarks.
Bill sighs and says, "Yeah, well, as the threesome into entered its second hour of hot and heavy action, it dawned on me that I really should have specified that I wanted to be one of the three."
428-
This guy is really into blow up dolls and rings his mail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic.
The supplier says, "I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina', So realistic you can't tell the difference!"
The guy orders one. Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks, so he decides to blow it up. Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll.
Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy.
A month later the guy calls up, "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am."
Supplier, "That's great!"
Guy, "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience."
Supplier, "Realistic then?"
Guy, "So realistic...I got syphilis."
429-
Sex is a three-letter word which sometimes needs old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
430-
Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn
During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.
His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.
When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."
C:\Downloads\Porn
C:\Downloads\Porn\July
C:\Downloads\Porn\July\03
C:\Downloads\Porn\July\03\10PM-11PM
Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."
He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."
You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.
As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.
During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"
431-
I read a survey the other day. It said that the 'successful woman' was one who made $38,500 per year. One of the questions on the survey was "how many times do you like to make love?" The most popular answer was 2 times a day.
Two times a day? That's two times, seven days a week, 356 days a year. That's
730 times a year. You show me a woman who makes love 730 times a year, and I'll show you a woman who makes a lot more than thirty-eight five.
432-
This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____day of __________,
2007, between ____________and______________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have shit to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit - only sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.
7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.
8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it's really none of your damn business.
10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.
12. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
13. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the fuck home.
14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it- I don't care.
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."
17. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.
19. No condoms, no fucking. Carry your ass home.
20. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.
21. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.
433-
There I was walking along the streets of Newport late at night and I happened to notice a "lady of the night" stood on the street corner.
Out of curiosity I asked, "How much do you charge?"
She replied, "£50"
Off I went on my travels again and at the other end of the same street bumped into another "lady of the night".
Out of yet more curiosity I asked, "How much do you charge?"
She replied "£5."
I said, "Blimey, that's cheap, the other lady at the other end of the street wanted £50.
She said, "That's because she has a womb."
I replied, "And you haven't?"
"No," she said, "we'd have to do it up against the wailings."
434-
Things Not To Say During Sex
* Hurry up, the game's about to start.
* You're so much like your sister . . .
* Your best friend does it much better.
* Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
* Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
* It's OK honey, I can just imagine that it's bigger.
* (phone rings) Hello? ... Oh nothing much. You? Just hanging around ...
435-
Signs You're Boyfriend Is A Virgin:
1. His pants stretch out when you give him a kiss goodnight.
2. He takes your bra off over your head.
3. He uses the word "love" in every sentence.
4. He listens to the Backstreet Boys
5. When you unbutton his pants, he's done.
436-
There is this man sitting at the bar when the most beautiful woman he has ever seen walks in, and he just has to go over to her. "Let's cut the small talk, shall we? Your place or mine?" he says.
She looks at him and replies, "Mine."
So he gets into his car and she gets into her car and they go over to her place. When they get up to her apartment he walks in and sees all these dicks hanging on the walls.
He jumps back and cries, "What the hell is going on here?"
She answers, "If you don't satisfy me, that's where you're going to hang. So how do you want it?"
The man thinks for a minute and tells her to go into the bedroom, turn out the lights and get naked. When she goes into the bedroom, he goes back down to his car and gets this
big fuckin' watermelon out of his truck. He goes back up to her place and knocks on the bedroom door.
"Are you ready?" he asks.
"Yes," she replies. So he goes into the room and starts to pump her with the watermelon. She is just screaming her lungs out, absolutely loving every minute of it. This goes on for an hour or so. When he finishes, he
asks her, "So how was that?"
The woman catches her breath and says, "Ahhh, nothing like a good fingering before a fuck!"
437-
A man is walking through the park one day when he comes across a guy sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out.
"What's wrong?" asks the passerby, sitting down next to the crying man.
"I have a twenty-five inch dick," says the sobber.
"So why the hell are you crying? Most guys would kill for one that big!" said the confused good Samaritan.
"I'm crying," he explains sadly, "because it takes me a week to get a hard-on."
438-
Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his willy after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your mistress find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your willy.
3) Or finding out your willy fits through your wedding ring.
439-
David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend. "Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored." Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had."
"How so?" replies David.
Simon relates, "That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do anything I want. So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out."
"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"
David responds, "Turns out she's allergic to nuts."
440-
You seem to have a good imagination. Try this: Pretend there are two dice on your computer keyboard.
Got the picture?
Good.
Now, pick up one of them and imagine you see the spots.
What number is it?
Did the number remind you of your first sexual experience?
No, probably not.
Now put down that die and pick up the other one and look at the spots.
How many do you see?
What's the number?
Did THAT make you think of your first sexual experience?
I suppose it didn't.
Now pick up both the dice and shake them in your hand.
Are you shaking them?
Good.
I bet THAT reminds you of your first sexual experience!
441-
A small group of dominant ladies were getting together for their usual Friday evening munch. One of the ladies, who preferred a military style of dominance, decided to bring her new, freshly trained boy toy and show him off to her friends.
The other ladies gathered around as the dominatrix boasted of her latest achievement: A Precision Penis. With that, she directed her slave to remove his pants and demonstrate for the audience.
The slave obediently stripped off his trousers to the immediate giggles of the small crowd. "Yes, yes, girls," the dominatrix proclaimed, "It's ALMOST a penis, I know. But you're missing the point. Watch this."
She stepped back, standing rigidly straight, and barked out the military command, "Attennnnn-Shun!" To everyone's amazement, the flaccid member immediately popped straight outward, becoming perfectly erect in a split second.
Seeing that she had certainly gained the admiration of her peers, the dominatrix then wowed them further as she commanded, "At ease." The slave's rock hard pole immediately returned to it's resting state without so much as a disobedient throb.
"AMAZING!" the ladies shouted. "Do it again, do it again!"
The dominatrix, happy to oblige, repeated the commands nine more times in succession, all with precisely the same results and each time to the increasingly impressed applause of the group.
When she barked out the command for the tenth time, though, nothing happened. A sudden hush fell over the room. An extremely worried look appeared on the slave's face as the dominatrix once again issued the command, louder this time. Still nothing. Once more, she barked out the directive, only now there was clearly a disturbed tone to her voice. Again, nothing.
The slave, sensing immediate punishment, bolted quickly into the nearest room, slamming the door behind him in real fear. With fire in her eyes, the dominatrix took off in hot pursuit, followed by her feminist posse. The door never stood a chance as the sole of her right boot connected with it.
As the door flew open, the group suddenly stopped dead in their tracks. Inside the room before them stood the slave, feverishly masturbating as though his life depended on it.
"What the hell are you doing????" the dominatrix demanded.
The slave, hoping to divert blame, looked up without so much as missing a stroke and meekly proclaimed, "It disobeyed a direct order, Ma'am. I'm therefore giving it a dishonourable discharge."
442-
Back when Prince Andrew first became engaged to Fergie, he spoke to his father, "Fergie assures me she is a virgin. How will I know if she is?"
"It's simple, son" replied Prince Phillip. "On your honeymoon night, when you get into bed, if she's clumsy, nervous, makes mistakes and is not sure what to do, then you can be fairly sure she's a virgin. But if she gives you instructions and tells you what to do, you'll know she's a lying slut who's slept around."
After the honeymoon, Phillip asked, "How was it son?'
"Just great, Father" said Andrew. "It was just the way you said... and no doubt about it - she's definitely a virgin."
"Was she nervous, son?" asked Phillip.
"She sure was Father" Andrew replied. "In fact she was so nervous and confused that when we jumped into bed, instead of putting the pillow under her head, she was in such a state she jammed it under her arse!"
443-
I love oral sex; it's the phone bill I hate.
444-
Jill: John says the cutest things!
Mary: Really? Like what?
Jill: Like "C'mere, Honey, and sit on my face."
445-
Q. What's better than screwing two eighteen year old girls at once?
A. Not a damn thing!
446-
Terms for Female Masturbation
5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy
Bean Flicking
Boat Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Impeaching Bush
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-sauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Spanking Lucy
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Tissue tickling
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket
447-
If College-Themed Porn Were Real
Situation One, The Naughty Student: Cindi, an attractive student with a large rack, walks up to the desk of her professor.
Porn Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?
Professor: Some students do extra credit work.
Cindi: (has sex with him)
Reality Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?
Professor: Some students do extra credit work.
Cindi: Like what?
Professor: A seven-to ten-page report about the economic principles behind trade rules in a Micronesian country of your choosing.
Cindi: Oh. That makes sense and is an appropriate extra credit assignment for the course.
Situation Two, The Hot Teacher: Paul, a student in his late twenties, walks up to the desk of his teacher, Professor Mandy, who has enormous breasts.
Porn Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?
Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.
Paul: How?
Professor Mandy: (fellates Paul)
Reality Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?
Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.
Paul: How?
Professor Mandy: A series of tests based on the material covered in this course.
Paul: Could I just have sex with you instead?
Professor Mandy: (sues Paul)
Situation Three, The Sorority: Between two and a half-dozen attractive coeds sit on a large bed, in nighties which barely contain their ample bosoms.
Porn Head Sorority Girl: Let's have a naked pillow fight!
Assistant Head Sorority Girl: And practice kissing!
Sorority Girls: (begin doing those things)
Reality: I kind of assume this is what actually happens in sororities.
Situation Four, The Curious Freshman: A very attractive freshman girl named Candi sits on a bed with her boyfriend, Brett. Did I mention that Candi has boobs the size of overripe grapefruit? She does.
Porn Brett: Let's try anal sex.
Candi: Okay.
Reality Brett: Let's try anal sex.
Candi: No.
Situation Five, The Janitor: A strangely-muscular janitor knocks on the door of Bambi, a girl whose low-cut shirt reveals a veritable explosion of cleavage.
Porn Janitor: Do those pipes need cleaning?
Bambi: (apparently this is all the pillow talk she needs to have all kinds of sex with him)
Reality Janitor: Perhaps I should have stayed in school.
Bambi: I can see how you could be disappointed with your station in life.
448-
Did you know the average male is 6 inches long, and the average female is 8 inches deep?
So in London alone there is over 3 miles of unused pussy!
449-
Nina and Rosey were talking about their sex lives and Nina said that her new boyfriend always wants to perform cunnilingus, all the time.
"Wow," said Rosey, "You are really lucky, but if you want to prevent him from doing that, just rub a little garlic down there."
Nina said, "I tried that already, and the next night he came to bed with some bread, olive oil, and a head of lettuce."
450-
What does a narcissist says after receiving a blowjob?
I was great, wasn't I?
451-
How do you know if your girlfriend is too young for you?
You have to make aeroplane noises to get your cock in her mouth
452-
Fresh 9inch cock covered in hot mustard sauce..
Pierced young nipples dipped in boiling hot toffee...
Soft virgin clits grilled on maple skewers...
Freshly shaved bollocks marinated in garlic and ginger, battered, lightly fried then served on a bed of crisp rocket...
This is not just food....this is S & M food.
453-
Top Ten Places Not To Get A " Woody"
10. With your wife, visiting her sister.
9. Golfing with the guys
8. With your wife, and accidentally run into your ex-girlfriend.
7. Showering with the guys after a basketball game.
6. Visiting a friend in the slammer
5. While being pulled over for a traffic citation
4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church
3. In front of your child's 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher, for show and tell
2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of nuns watching you.
and the number one time never to get a woody is:
1. Your best friend on a guy's night out, asks you, Hey what do you want to do tonight?
454-
Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy.
One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."
The other two ladies agree.
The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"
The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.
Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."
Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.
The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."
The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"
455-
A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"
So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates.
She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair,.... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.
After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.
"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."
"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewellery!"
456-
Camouflage condoms..................................: So they won't see you coming.
457-
SEX ... The only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
458-
They say..."Love thy neighbour as thy self."
What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?
459-
Q. If having your appendix out is an appendectomy and having your tonsils out is called a tonsillectomy.. What do you call a woman having a sex change?
A. A Strapadictomy.
460-
SEXCONTRACT
I, _______________________, hereby surrender all possibilities of friendship, commitment, marriage, guilt-trips and near-pregnancies in exchange for one (1) night of USDA approved fondling and fornication. I will not return to the scene of said activities, nor call, write or otherwise contact/harass co-signers of contract for a time of no less than thirty (30) days and nights after said activities have been fulfilled.
I also surrender all rights to propagate rumours, misnomers and dirty looks in the cafeteria from friends. I will say 'hi' if we pass within ten (10) meters in a friendly, if not neutral, tone. I will also upon the completion of listed activities not leave underwear, earrings or other insignificant yet oh-so-valuable knick-knacks lying about or hidden somewhere in the co-signer's abode for the sole purpose of returning to said abode and breaking the no-contact agreement of this document. I furthermore state that I am of sound mind and desirable body, and will not call the co-signer by any other name than is his or her own, nor reminisce on some former slime-ball/great lover who wore the same cologne, roll-on, boxer shorts or robe. I will also pay one-half of all laundry fees as needed after prescribed activity.
Signed, ________________
Date, __________
461-
DEAR MADAM:
THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS WEBSITE. YOU'VE REQUESTED THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.
PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM.
THAT'S OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
462-
Ladies, what kind of dick are you getting?
MISERABLE DICK - When the guy is extremely handsome. He says the right things and does the right things. When it comes to sex, he is lacking in this department. He sucks your tits too hard, kisses your mouth too long, stays around your neck forever, fingers you like a GYN Doctor, licks your pussy like he's in a track meet and has a very small dick. You try to give him some head, only to find that you are actually sucking a pacifier. This is so miserable. You think, "how can a guy so fine, so polite be so weak" To top everything off ladies, how about just when in your mind you're going to try to get the best out of this, even if you have to make yourself cum, and he beats you to the punch.
DAMN TOLERABLE DICK - This is funny dick. He eats major pussy. He eats it so good, your knees feel a little weak. It was good enough to make you shed a tear. Then he puts his dick in, just for you to realize that you cannot really feel it!! His stroke is UN-timely and non-rhythmic. You work with it by riding on it as if you were in a Wild Wild West Movie. You hold your pelvis real tight and try to visualize the last big dick you had to get your mind off this less filling dick. It's funny because in the man's mind he'll say, that we just have big pussies from having too much sex and that is why we cannot feel him. Only for them to forget that the pussy is a muscle that accommodates the size of the penis.
INTERNET DICK - Well, how would we define this type of dick? You see, online they talk a damn good game, but you never know what to expect in person. Then you meet and you fuck and the dick is trash. They talk the bottom out of it, but HE COULD NOT MAKE YOU CUM!!!
OVERWHELMED DICK - I believe this dick ladies we all can testify to. Whoa! This is the type of dick you misjudged. You saw some signs of weakness in this man. He always caters to you and really does not discuss what he can do in bed with you. When kissing him, you notice you make his knees weak. You hold out on giving him some and tease him. You know what size dick he has because you have either: (a) Already gave him some mean ass head, or (b) Stroked it while he was wearing pants or boxers. So, you thought in your mind, "I am going to whip him." Only to find he laid the "SMACK DOWN" on your pussy. He had you in a figure eight. You were so overwhelmed that you could not even speak. Your whole pre-calculated fuck was down the drain. He had more game than you. He was like an energizer bunny that keep going and going and you kept cumming and cumming. Now you look at him in a different light.
PUNISHABLE DICK - This is the dick that pisses me off the most. You see, the guy you're sleeping with punishes your pussy. If he has a bad day at work he "punishes your pussy". If he has a bad meal, "he punishes your pussy". If he is pissed off at you, he punishes your pussy." No matter what, he "punishes your pussy". It is easy to tell if the guy you're with falls into this category. He always uses phrases like these when he is fucking you: "DON'T RUN FROM THIS DICK", "AIN'T THIS SOME GOOD DICK?" "TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS DICK", "WHAT'S MY NAME?", "WHO'S PUSSY IS THIS?", "I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKIN' SHIT NOW", "YOU LIKE IT WHEN I GET IN THIS PUSSY DON'T YA?".
GUILTY DICK - The dick you're getting from someone who is not your man. Ladies who have cheated on their man temporarily can say, "AMEN" to this type of dick. Ladies, this is the type of dick that makes you cry and confess to your man you fucked someone else. The guilty dick made you want to tell somebody. Guilty dick is in a class of its own. Guilty dick will make you look and feel different about the dick you got at home. Guilty dick makes you have multiple orgasms. Makes you cry and you have no clue to why. This dick is so intense, when it is being administered it sends you into a trance. He has a slow, long stroke, sweats on you, asks you if your comfortable about six times, you started at 6PM and it is now going on 9PM and he is not tired and hasn't cum yet. The lips on your pussy are so swollen that if you got outta bed they would be draggin' the ground. It hurt so good. He licks on your pussy as if he was a baby cat licking warm milk, he
savours it like you're the main course meal. He smells it like fine wine. By now you're in shock and forget about your man. He has at least two inches more than your man. When you're back with your man, you're wondering why he can't perform like guilty dick. You even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct him to do what guilty dick did to you.
PLEASURABLE DICK - This is good . Easy dick. Dick you can call when your body needs a fix. He gives you major head like GUILTY DICK, and fucks you like GUILTY DICK. Only thing is, you do not have a man so you're not feeling guilty. Whenever you call, this dick is ready. His dick craves your pussy. This dick is available in any place at anytime.
GODDAMN DICK - Ladies, now this is dick that will definitely send you to hell if you're not married to it. This dick is just like PLEASURABLE and GUILTY DICK. His dick is anywhere from 9.5 to 11 inches long and has the circumference of a half dollar. This dick makes you numb, cry and pray all at the same time. While he is getting it doggy style, you look towards the heavens and say,
"GODDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD DICK".
CAP'N DICK - This is the gold mine dick. This dick is the dick that you commit yourself too. You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept secret. In fact, you constantly crave and feign for it. When you get this dick, you go through convulsions. This is the dick that makes you EVERREADY. You call in sick from work for it. This dick is so major it is OVERWHELMED DICK, PLEASURABLE DICK, GUILTY DICK and
GODDAMN DICK all in one. This is the dick that you want to put insurance on, just in case anything should happen to it. This dick makes you stutter while speaking and has you nervous for no reason. You lay back afterwards thinking "THIS IS HOMEWRECKIN', GOTTA TELL MY MAMA, GOTTA
TELL SOMEBODY, ANYBODY DICK"
463-
In a survey in Modern Maturity magazine, men over seventy- five said they had sex once a week.
Which proves that old guys lie about sex too.
464-
Please remember a doggy is not just for
Christmas. ...Its a fucking great position all the year round!
465-
A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off. He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do. As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard on. Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!"
Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action. She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"
466-
A man is sitting at a bar and he sees a hot looking lady.
He walks up to her and says "Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call fine print." "Look," she replies, "That isn't going to work with me." The man walks off.
Later on, the man comes back and says "Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!" "For Gods sake. I'm not interested in you" She says. Once again, the man walked off.
Again, he comes over and before he can open his mouth the girl says "Ok ok. Jesus
Christ, you can have one chance talking to me and that's it." "Yes!" the man says, "Ok let me go freshen up" The man walks off and disappears into the toilets for 5 minutes. He comes back out holding a cloth in his hand. "Hi" he says, "Does this cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
467-
"Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff and just wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in."
468-
A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and says
"Hey, baby...want to sit on my face?"
She says "Why would I? Is your nose bigger then your cock?"
469-
"According to the 'Home & Garden' network, some women get more satisfaction from doing housework than from having sex.
I understand that. At least when they're doing housework, they get to finish."
470-
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and asks her, "Do you know the difference between a ham sandwich and a blowjob?" The woman is somewhat confused and says, "No, I don't." So the man then asks, "Well then, would you like to have lunch?"
471-
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a
person. Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."
~ Man gets in car without opening door for woman. - No foreplay.
~ Can't hail a cab. - Impotent.
~ Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. - Prefers virgins.
~ Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way. - He is a virgin.
- Wants go to a French Restaurant. - Will swallow.
~ Takes too long deciding what to order. - Has trouble reaching orgasm.
~ Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.
~ Asks what the specials are. - Will want you to use handcuffs.
~ Fills up on bread and crackers. - Premature ejaculator.
~ Drinks decaf. - Fakes orgasms.
~ Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. - Needs you to talk dirty during sex.
~ Credit card is refused. - Low sperm count.
~ Under tips waiter. - Small penis.
~ Uses toothpick. - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything
472-
10 ways you know you've had good sex....
1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.
3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.
5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.
6 You've both gone down one clothing size.
7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.
8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
9. Boy, are you hungry!
10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.
473-
All that phone sex has caught up with me...
I have hearing-aids
474-
What's sexy and comes in handy during rape?
Chinese foot bindings...
475-
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
476-
Subliminal Messages
I'd like to (sex) tell you about some weird psychological phenomenon (sleep with me) that has been in the media forefront (I'm your love slave) in the past few years. I'm talking about subliminal suggestion.
Subliminal suggestion (buy me a car) is a technique in which the subconscious is made aware of a concept by having it exposed (and a stereo) to them too fast or in a way the conscious mind can pick (you want me) up. Thus, the person so suggested (my room 8 tonight) finds himself doing something that he ordinarily wouldn't do (bring clean sheets). This technique was often seen being used (I'll get the champagne) in movie theatres, where one frame of a film would have a message like "Buy the popcorn." (and the condoms).
This one frame goes by so fast the conscious mind can't possibly assimilate it (I have incredible stamina), but many believe that the subconscious picks it up and causes the mind (I really want you) to act on it.
Does it really (all night is not out of the question) work? Who knows? (and we can bring the stuffed animals and the jello and the peanut butter and the nylon rope and watch "I Love Lucy" reruns and do things that they'll have to invent new names for when we're done and then we can sleep for 3 hours and do it all again). The jury is still out on that one.
Thanks for your time and patience.
477-
What are the 2 most important holes on a women?
Her nostrils, so that she can breathe while giving a blowjob.
478-
Q: What's the definition of a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.
479-
I think it's disgusting that in this day and age men should stalk young women in bars and clubs and then drug them with things like rohypnol just to have sex with them.
What's wrong with chloroform? It was good enough in my day.
480-
I still occasionally have a wank over the ex -
I have the keys to her flat and she's a heavy sleeper.
481-
Love thy neighbour...............I’ve always thought it one of the better Commandments.
Funny how her husband didn’t agree.
482-
Q: What are the two words every man does NOT want to hear after a blow job?
A: " Kiss Me. "
483-
The following appeared in the "Ask Isadora" column of our local "alternative" newspaper for the week of April 6-12.... Isadora is a "Sexologist" who publishes a Q&A column weekly. This is for
real - this is not a joke. This is not a test....
"Q. I am a healthy 30 year old male. My girlfriend and I enjoy a happy, active sex life. Recently we discovered a new twist we both enjoy. We bake an 8x10 foot pepperoni pizza in sections, assembling it on our living room floor which is covered with sheets of black plastic. My girlfriend goes into the living room, shuts off the lights, and activates a life-sized animatronic figure of the pope which stands at the end of the room. The pope's eyes light up and he begins blessing the enormous pizza and my girlfriend, who reclines thereon clad only in slices of cheese. I am outside the room at this point and the doors are closed. I can hear the theme from ROCKY being played within as I wait, dressed as a huge clove of garlic. When the music reaches its climax, I burst through the door and hurl myself upon my girlfriend and we copulate madly at the feet of the robot pope while I shout, 'Poperoni! Come on, Tony! Not a phony! Poperoni!' Anyway, my question is this: could garlic pizza sauce be hazardous to human genitalia? Could you recommend any particularly arousing brand?"
484-
Being a premature ejaculator has its advantages. I made ten sex line phone calls last month and the total bill is just two dollars
485-
They've found a new position in the Kama Sutra. It's called "Australian Tradesman". Two of you stay in all day and no fucker comes"
486-
Scotsman walking though Glasgow with a wellington on his penis. When arrested by police he said that he was just fucking aboot.
487-
An ugly bird in a boozer says, "If you can guess my weight, you can
shag me all night long".
The bloke says, "Oh, about 93 stone you ugly fat cow.
She replies, "That's close enough you lucky bastard".
488-
Two old dears having a coffee, one says to the other, "Did you come on the bus", "Yes", she replies, "but I made it look like an asthma attack".
489-
What's the difference between spit and swallow?
Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.
490-
A guy goes up to a stunning blonde in a nightclub.
"Hi, do you know you're gonna get laid tonight?"
"Oh, how do you know that, are you psychic?"
"No, I'm stronger than you".
491-
Tell ye what, I'm getting good at this fucking sex
thing.......................I've got it down to 30 seconds.
492-
The lanky Texas ranch hand was still a virgin at twenty-one, so, on his first trip to the big city, he decided to visit a brothel and find out what he'd been missing. Upon securing the address of a rather exclusive establishment, he soon found himself lying in bed with an attractive partner. Sensing the lad was somewhat inexperienced, the professional gently took his hand and placed it on the source of her income. "Is this what you're looking for?" she whispered seductively. "Well, I don't rightly know, ma'am," the cowboy murmured shyly. "I'm a stranger to these parts."
493-
The RIGHT (R) and WRONG (W) things to say to a man after sex:
R: You're the one
W: Next.
R: You really know how to satisfy a woman.
W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane?
R: You're the best I've ever had.
W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl.
R: What colour are your eyes?
W: Is my discharge still brown?
R: You make me forget my problems.
W: You make me forget I'm just 15.
R: I think we should go away for the weekend.
W: I think we should go to the clinic.
R: I love you.
W: I love you.
494-
Mary: Well, I've never known anyone so forward! This perfect stranger just walked up to me at the party and asked, "How would you like some mind-blowing, earth-shaking, window-shattering sex?"
Jill: I can't believe it!
Mary: Neither could I! When I told him, "No, thanks!" he just added, "Well, would you mind lying down so that I could have some?"
495-
It was the first time that had made love. They were fondling each other intimately. She had his dong in her hand.
"What do you call it?" she asked. "Some guys call theirs Dick or Peter, John Thomas or Willie. What do you call yours?"
"I don't have to call mine anything," he replied "It usually 'cums' without being called."
496-
When I was fucking this girl last night, she called out my
brother's name instead of mine, what did I expect though, they'd been married 20 years.
497-
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
498-
What is it about the navy and submarines that women love so much?
Is it the concept of a long, hard cylinder filled with seamen or is it the concept of going down for three months at a time?
499-
My girlfriend told me, "They're not wrinkles, they're laughter lines!"
And you know what, that's the nicest thing anybody's ever said about my scrotum.
500-
The Following Is A List Of Excuses NOT To Have Sex. Most Of Them Can Be Used By Either Men Or Women.
10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.
9. We're out of paper bags for your head again.
8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to Big Foot.
7. You're 20 bucks short.
6. We're out of gin again.
5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.
4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.
3. I can't tonight, honey, I spent myself earlier today watching all those pornos.
2. Only if you put on this wig and talk like a Chinese hooker.
1. Your gynaecologist just called - you still have crabs and you know how I don't like seafood.
501-
I have made it very clear that I consider "virginity" to be a disease, and that I am doing my best to eradicate it. I am often asked if I have the right medicine to which I reply "not only do I have the right medicine but also the syringe to inject it!"
502-
What's a birth control pill?
The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to stop her from getting pregnant.
503-
George meets his best friend Michael in the street and is very excited. Asked why, George tells Michael that he has heard of a brilliant new brothel. "Why is it brilliant?" asks Michael. George says, "Well you go in there at 9am, have all the sex you can handle until 12:30, stop for a 3 course lunch, and have all the sex you can cope with until 4.30pm. Then you have chocolate cake and coffee and just as you leave they give you $500 in your hand!" "Jesus!" says Michael. "Where is this place?" George says "I don't know, but I'll ask my wife tonight when she comes home."
504-
Mary: "So somehow we started talking about doctors and hospitals and surgeries, and I told him about my breast surgery."
Jill: "And then?"
Mary: "Well, naturally, he asked, "Could I just SEE 'em?"
Jill: "And you told him no, I hope."
Mary: "Yeah, I said, No, 'just see 'em' becomes 'just touch 'em, 'and 'just touch 'em' becomes 'just kiss 'em,' and 'just kiss 'em' becomes 'just suck 'em.' and..."
Jill: "And what?"
Mary: "And I asked, Wanna see 'em in the bedroom?"
505-
Sexual Positions:-
The IRS position, where you just bend over and take it up the ass with no lube.
The Humidor (requires a cigar and an intern).
The Monday Night Football (actually just doggie style done facing the TV with the game on with her in the football jersey of your
favourite team).
The Kentucky Derby (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc on the bed linens!
Oral Submarine. The guy must Dive... Dive ... Dive.
The Bugs Bunny: It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs pinned behind her head.
The British telecom position: you get SCREWED by them and they never call you back.
The Grenade Position... I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me.
The Enron Position... no matter what, you're getting it up the ass.
Totally Screwed - the position you in when your spouse comes in early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of...
The ever-famous "No, you gotta get your leg up higher... no, not like that, like this... NO it's got to be HIGHER than that. No, like this... oh, yeah that'd work... if you were the one with the vagina... NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind... I don't even wanna do it anymore. No, I won't give you head. No, we can't try again... Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator... Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up!
GAWD!"
506-
Ultimate Rejection Lines
... I'd rather have my nipples chewed off... by a pack of wild dogs.
... I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose... until the back of his head caves in!
... I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater.
... I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.
... I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.
... I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch whipped by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros.
... I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.
... I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine... and piss on a forest fire.
... I'd rather suck cow snot... through a straw.
... I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.
... I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude.
... I'd rather bungee jump... with the harness tied to my penis ... with your mom lying naked in the landing zone.
... I would rather dry fuck a polar bear... in a phone booth.
... I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back ... and then find out it's the wrong one.
... I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.
... Life is like a dick ... When it gets hard ... Screw it!
... I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack.... each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.
... I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter ... and not a twist off either.
... I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer ... and then wear wool socks... in August.
... I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass... after he just finished taking a shit.
... I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a dull barber's razor... and no water or soap.
... I'd rather French kiss a barracuda.
... I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass... with a short stick.
... I'd rather butt fuck a rattlesnake... in a gunnysack.
507-
Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes. "Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!"
"You ain't being robbed, slut!" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!"
The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!
508-
Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world...
....it's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
509-
Whilst shagging my girlfriend the other night, she told me to do her doggie style.
She didn't look impressed when I started humping her leg...
510-
If you're in a long-term relationship, try the following to spice up your sex life: Get your lover, blindfold them, get some ropes and chains and tie them very tightly to the bed. Then go and have sex with someone else.
511-
Pussy Types
1) Expensive Pussy: Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive Pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with
Greek letters on them.
98% of good pussy falls into this category.
Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.
Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion.
Often not worth it.
2) Cheap Pussy: Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap Pussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shakes it off.
Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this.
Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it.
Often not worth it.
3) Hired Pussy: Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired Pussy and Expensive Pussy is that the money is up-front.
Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your girlfriend, doesn't care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive Pussy.
Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap Pussy in the long run, risk of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high.
Often not worth it.
4) Virgin Pussy: This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin Pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.
Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained.
Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually into using birth control which can cause "accidents", can only be used once.
Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing.
5) Nympho Pussy: Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania.
Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.
Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship.
Often not worth it.
6) Frigid Pussy: Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this Pussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).
Advantages: There are no advantages.
Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized.
Never worth it.
7) Innocent Nympho Pussy: Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.
Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can.
Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.
8) Party Pussy: Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.
Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to say the right things.
Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you.
Often not worth it.
9) Nutsy Pussy: Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason.. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.
Advantages: Easy.
Disadvantages: Never really worth it.
512-
I was banging one out over a porno mag this morning when my mum caught me and started slapping me around the head. The newsagent wasn't happy either.
513-
I had a sex change last night...
I tried my left hand instead.
514-
Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.
515-
A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star hotel to celebrate their 50th marriage anniversary. The bell boy while taking their luggage to the suite thinks to himself, "At this age, they are booking a suite. What a waste!"
After leaving them in their room with a very heavy tip he decides to spy on them. At night, he sits in the lobby opposite their room. And what does he hear? Laughing and clapping sounds from their room. All night long.
He could not believe his ears. In the morning, he apologized to the husband for having spied on them, but being very inquisitive, he asks him how can he do what he did at this age.
The husband replied, "See it is this way. First, I remove my clothes. Then I lie down on the bed face up. Then my wife removes her clothes. Then..." The bell boy leans into the old man and says, "Then what, WHAT?"
The old husband smiles and says, "Then my wife lifts up my penis with one hand, and then we make a bet."
The bell boy hollers, "A BET? What bet?!"
If it falls to left, I win; and if it falls to right she wins," the husband replied with a smirk.
The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"
"Then we both win," says the old man.
516-
A woman was rushed to hospital after having phone sex with her boyfriend,
The doctors found 3 Nokias, 2 Motorolas and a Samsung, but no Siemen was found...
517-
What's the worst thing about gang rape?
Waiting your turn.
518-
There's a hell of a lot of gang rape jokes about just now,
Who'd be fucking crazy enough to try and rape a gang in the first place?
519-
To the couple fucking on the third floor apartment across the street from my office:
We at X Associates would like to thank you for your weekly Friday show. every Friday at 4 we can count on you to get it on and on and on.
I must admit my surprise in a city full of skyscrapers that someone in a third floor apt in midtown doesn't see the need for window coverings of any sort especially when there is a 17 floor office building across the street.
I only can assume you are feeling the need to keep up with the porn shop that opened up on the first floor of your building. though I question your intelligence I applaud your lusty lifestyle.
Last week's super freaky positions sex was great fun. all the engineers here are still trying to work out the logistics on a couple of those positions, and we are fairly sure that one of them is physically impossible due to the stresses it would put on the female body.
This week's theme seems to be speed fucking from behind... and was that a third person in the room we saw, we aren't sure but oh what randy fun. and once again we are amused, and titillated.
You have no idea what a welcome break you bring when the call comes from that side of our office that the fuckers are at it again.
The cubicles clear out and you have 20 some odd men, and one woman (me) pressed against the windows.
As much as we enjoy the current show we do have some ideas that could really bring it to the next level of enjoyment for your adoring viewers.
1. Invest in some kind of glare free glass for the window. the glare gets nasty on overcast days like today and we could barely make out who was slapping who on the ass.
2. Move a bit closer to the window... not too close, just say a foot. this give us the viewer the premium viewing situation.
3. Man... get rid of the chubby girl, from certain angles well she is just too much woman for us.
4. Sex against the window, just think about the fun that would be had for all, you then could see us we could see you, it would be a
wondrous intimate act for the 25 of us.
5. Maybe add one more show a week, I know last week you did a bonus Wednesday show and it went over great, it really warmed us up for
Friday.
I would really like once again to thank you on behalf of us all here at X Associates. you make what is the best day of the work week here even better, because nothing can beat seeing two young people as yourself fuck like monkeys right before we leave this hellhole for the weekend.
520-
I went for piano lessons when I was a young man... I loved the finger exercises, but then my instructor would put on her clothes and say the lesson was over. It wasn't until many years later that I discovered that I was going into the wrong building... The Music school was right next door to a bordello... I can't play squat on the piano... but boy, can I finger!
521-
I keep having my profile on match.com rejected.
One of the profile questions was 'What do you want in a woman?' and the answer 'my cock' is unacceptable apparently!
522-
Q. Why is sex so much like drugs?
A. Because the quality depends on the pusher.
523-
9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!
1 INCH - IT"S MARTIN THE POSTMAN
524-
One sperm was determined that when his big chance came he was going to be the first one to the egg. To make sure that he was the first he constantly exercised. Every chance he got he was doing sit ups, push-ups and of course swimming. Finally it was his big chance. He told all the other sperms that he would see them at the egg. When they all got the start signal he was off like a shot. Soon he was out of all the other sperms sight. All of a sudden they looked up and he was frantically swimming back. At the top of his lungs he was screaming "Go back, go back, it's only a blow job".
525-
Half of relationships end because of bad sex.
Mine. however, ended because of good sex...
With another woman.
526-
What does it mean to come home to love tenderness compassion understanding and great sex?
It means you're in the wrong fucking house.
527-
I don't approve of rohypnol
Whatever happened to good old brute force?
528-
A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advice and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;
1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,
2.) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and
3.) never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."
The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mum waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back.
"How was it?" asks mum.
"Oh mum, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"
"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"
"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"
"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"
"Not exactly mum, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped."
"Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped."
"Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said.
"And he then took his hands out and said; 'What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!'"
"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"
"Well, not really mum. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to 'burn' his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me 'taste it' to see if it was cooked or not."
529-
The drug maker responsible for bringing us Viagra, recently reported that sales were way down. They think that all those old guys that were the major users of the product have finally figured out that sex with someone's grandmother isn't worth $20.
530-
I have a bald friend who has a sign above his desk that reads, " Its not a bald spot, its a Solar Panel charging a Sex Machine."
I told him it didn't think it was the kind of machine that depended on Solar Power. I thought it was probably hand started most of the time.
531-
Sex Facts
I don't care what your hobby is before puberty hits, because as soon as it does, nature assigns you a new one. Let's just say that when I was 14 I was treated for tennis elbow, and I didn't even own a racquet. I wasn't exactly subtle about my self-discovery either. I had tiki torches all around my bed, a poster of Farrah Fawcett on my ceiling and a spring-loaded tissue dispenser on my nightstand while I worked my own crank like it was the gearshift on a Volkswagen bus that I was trying to rock out of a mud hole. Ah, the good old days--last Thursday.
You know, there was a time when men dreaded getting old because they knew it would rob them of their sexual power. But thanks to modern medicine, couples are having sex well into their 70s and 80s, to the point where you can now buy edible panties fortified with calcium.
I guess like all things in this era of unfettered capitalism, science and technology have turned human sexuality into yet another profit
centre. Between penile lengthening, Viagra and boob jobs, doctors are nailing up shingles to get in on all the nailing going on. You've got guys who haven't even been to medical school setting up shop in a kiosk on a traffic island on Sunset Boulevard who'll inject chicken fat into your dick for $20 at a red light. Or $10, if you've got the Entertainment '99 coupon book.
Hey, civilizations come and go, but the one constant throughout the ages has been and always will be the orgasm. Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief--I don't care what your social strata is. When that climax lightning bolt comes roaring down your loins, there's only one thing on your mind: why in the hell is everybody else on this bus starin' at me?
532-
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.
Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'
533-
When the Sheik's oil fields dried up, he realized he would have to cut back on expenses quickly. As much as he hated to, he knew he would have to give up most of his harem. He decided to find out which ones performed best in all aspects of sex and retain just those few.
Night after night the "contest" was held. Then one of the younger girls performed such outstanding oral sex on him, he knew she was one of the chosen. "Tell me," he said, "what is the secret of your fabulous technique."
"What I did, Oh Sovereign of the Sands, was to suck on ice cubes prior to our session." replied the girl. "You see, my Mother told me that in most cases, the cooler head always prevails."
534-
Best chat up line ever:
We can do this one of two ways;
Rohypnol or necrophilia,
Your decision.
535-
"Rape" is such a dirty word. I prefer to call it "surprise sex".
536-
Thought for the Day:
If you're a Siamese twin, and you have sex with the other one, is it masturbation or incest?
537-
When I finally lost my virginity it wasn't a pleasant experience- I just felt guilty for cheating on my hand.
538-
I get very nervous after sex, as I normally have the police after me.
539-
If size doesn't matter, how come my girlfriend's vibrator isn't three inches and crooked?
540-
My father has always said to me: "Son, you're not a real man until you've made a girl gag on your cock whilst giving you head"
Which is why I haven't washed mine for months.
541-
Eighteen year old Virgin.
No recollection from the victim.
No witnesses.
Carlsberg don't do rapes.......
542-
Last night my girlfriend pushed me onto the bed.
I lay helpless as she tied my hands and blindfolded me, then smeared chocolate spread over my hardening cock and swallowed me, inch by inch, deep into her throat.
And I thought Oh my God. She's turning into her mother.
543-
My girlfriend asked me to indulge her in something a bit kinky last night. She said she had this rape fantasy that she'd always wanted to try out.
Really regretting it now though. My arsehole hurts like fuck, and she says she'll kill my pet rabbit if I tell my parents.
544-
New at Ann Summers:
The realistic vibrator. It builds you up to orgasm and just before you reach climax it
cums, pulls itself out, grunts, turns around, farts then turns itself off.
545-
Fucking inflation, its costing me a fortune to get a blowjob these days
Every time I go to the shop, the price of sweets has gone up!
546-
I'm up in court next week, accused of raping a virgin twice.
But I'm pleading not guilty on the grounds that she wasn't a virgin the second time I raped her.
547-
I used to work for the Samaritans and I'll never forget the last call I took.
Me-"Hello, Samaritans, can I help you?"
Caller-"I've done something terrible."
Me-"Can you talk to me about it?"
Caller-"I asked a little girl to get into my car."
Me-"And did she?"
Caller-"Yes she did and then I stroked her leg."
Me-"Then what happened?"
Caller-"I put my hand up her skirt and touched her little fanny."
Me-"I see, and what else did you do?"
Caller-"Well, I took out my penis and moved her head towards it until my penis was in her mouth."
Me-"Okay, that's okay, you can talk to me I'm here to listen. Please go on."
Caller-"Well, then I took down my trousers and lifted her skirt up and pulled her knickers down."
Me-"Yes, what next?"
Caller-"Well that's when she ran away"
Me-"For fucks sake! Make something up, quickly!
548-
I asked my girlfriend for a blowjob last night.
She said "How about a 69"
A blowjob for the price of a Chinese. Can't be bad, can it?
549-
Most women prefer sex with the lights off because they can't bear to see a man enjoying himself.
Men like the lights on so they can get the woman's name right.
That explains why bisexuals prefer sex under strobe lights.
550-
A foreign diplomat was sitting beside a very beautiful blonde who possessed all the social graces. During the course of the dinner, he put his hand under the table and started to feel her ankle. She gave him a brilliant smile. Encouraged, he went a little further and reached the calf of her leg with the same results. The lady smiled and he, becoming emboldened with this encouragement, went above the knees. Very soon, giving the diplomat a lovely smile she leaned and whispered in his ear: "When you get far enough to discover that I'm a man, don't change the expression on your face-I'm Secret Agent No. 13."
551-
My girlfriend's been giving me better and better blow jobs each week in an effort to persuade me to leave my wife.
I'm fucked if I'm ever telling her I'm not really married!
552-
What's the easiest way for a woman to prevent a rape?
Say Yes.
553-
I've been down on my luck with the ladies recently, so I tried using some date rape drugs to improve my chances. They were fucking useless, I just ended up passing out and couldn't remember a thing the next morning.
554-
I lost my
virginity to a retarded girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special.
555-
Why do women keep telling me to 'go fuck myself?'
Surely they've realised that if I could fuck myself, I wouldn't be putting my hands up their skirts in the first place.
556-
My husband complained that our sex life was stale and needed spicing up....apparently cutting up
chillis and rubbing it on his genitals wasn't what he had in mind
557-
The girl who grew up next door to me, has just landed a part in a major film, at the age of 20.
My claim to fame is that I shagged her before she was famous. 16 years before to be precise.
558-
I was responsible for cutting rape and sexual assault in my town by 90%.
I moved away.
559-
My daughter was moaning at me again yesterday. She always does that when I rub her clit.
560-
My wife's back on the bottle. She said fisting just wasn't the same.
561-
I'm gonna get a joke tattooed on my nob so I can convince myself women are laughing at the joke.
562-
Had sex for the first time with the new girlfriend the other night. Afterwards, she had the cheek to say I was lousy in bed.
That's fucking ridiculous! How can she have any sort of qualified opinion after only fifteen seconds?
563-
I was at my girlfriend's house last night and we started kissing and cuddling. Then as I lay on the bed, she started stripping. At the sight of her young nubile body, I almost came in my pants. A personal best for me seeing as they were 20 yards away on the landing.
564-
Tom and Evan went on a trip to London to see the Cup Final. Having some spare time on their hands, they decided to visit Soho. Whilst looking around at things they had never seen the like of before, they became separated.
As kick-off approached, Tom set off in search of his pal.
After a while, Tom was tapped on the shoulder by a prostitute. "Are you looking for something, love?" she asked, wriggling her hips provocatively.
"That's kind of you, dear. Yes, I am as a matter of fact," said Tom, "I'm looking for Evan."
"You've come to the right place," purred the prostitute. "Follow me."
Tom happily went with the girl, who took him to her flat above a seedy book shop. As they went in, the girl lay on the bed and pouted at Tom, patting the mattress beside her.
"I don't see any sign of Evan," said Tom, disappointedly.
The girl lifted up her skirt and opened her legs to reveal she was wearing no knickers.
"There's heaven for you," she whispered.
"Oh no, you're wrong there," said Tom, "Evan is a much bigger cunt than that!"
565-
The Sad Life Of A Penis.
I only have one eye, my hair is a mess, my relatives are nuts, my neighbour is an
arsehole, my best friend is a cunt and my owner is a wanker.
566-
A Blind guy goes to a prostitute but as he is blind can't see what he is getting and ends up with a pox ridden old boot.
They go upstairs and she undresses, he runs his hand over her spotty arse and recoils.
'It's ok' she says, 'just a bit of acne'
'Thank god' he says 'I thought it was the price list............"
567-
I've been saving a fortune lately. Instead of spending a fortune ringing expensive sex lines, I ring the Samaritans and say, "talk dirty or I'll kill myself!"
568-
I'd never heard but apparently you're supposed to warn women when you're about to cum. Before I found out, I came on this women and she was furious! She just kept shouting, "Oh for god's sake!" and "I was sleeping!", "Who are you? How did you get in my house?" Honest mistake.
569-
What SEX And PARKING SPACES Share In Common:
*You should never have to wait to find one
*You should be able to slide right into one
*Spaces in the front are always the best
*When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always suffice
*It sucks when someone else is double-parked
*Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back
*It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only 'compact' spaces
*A full-size car is good to find
*People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces
*Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying
*We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit
*A house isn't a home without a parking space
*Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear
*Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking in the rear?
*The better your parking techniques are the more parking spaces you can get into.
570-
CYBER SEX REJECTION FORM
Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name), I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair.
Below, you will find the reason(s) for this action:
_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it.
_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings.
_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.
_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:
_____ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man.
_____ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a woman.
_____ You typed your own name at the end.
_____ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.
_____ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.
_____ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.
_____ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __jpg __ police record.
______ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.
______ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the end of times come. They are closer than you think.
______ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special... as in cyber cheating.
______ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.
______ I am entering the witness protection program.
Please understand, _________ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten SOB __ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart.
Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,
__ Sincerely, __ Gleefully, __ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out," __ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs __ Good riddance
(alias)
571-
I found that if you run out of KY Jelly and are really desperate, foreplay will work too.
572-
A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.
To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year".
The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"
The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"
573-
Anal sex:
It's not for pussies.
574-
What's the worst thing about paedophilia?
No titty wanks.
575-
The women in my office are really thick. Yesterday, two of them told me to go and fuck myself.
Honestly, if I could go and fuck myself, do they think I would bother to put my hands up their skirts in the first place?
576-
Dear Susan,
I am writing to tell you that our relationship must end, I am not the man you think I am. For a long time I have been sexually attracted to your
sister. On several occasions I have had sex with her and I know you will find this unbearable.
What is probably worse than sleeping with your sister is the fact that I have also been having a sexual relationship with your mother.
Add this to the fact that, after a drunken night out, I had anal sex with your brother, you will now see what a terrible person I am. One final confession
Susan. Shortly after I started a sexual relationship with you, your father started pestering me for sex and yes I gave in to him.
And so Susan you must now see why I must end our relationship. I know this is all a shock but it is better out in the open. I am so very sorry if I've hurt
you, I never meant to.
Your loving brother, David xxx
577-
My girlfriend recently suggested we introduce toys to the bedroom.
Its bloody annoying having her My Little Pony dolls lying around the floor, well
that's 10 year olds for you.
578-
My Girlfriend likes it Doggy Style. Its great, because she fetches my paper and slippers afterwards.
579-
WORDS YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR DURING SEX
"You feel almost as good as my wife."
"You know, your mother is so much better!"
"Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"
"Oh my God!!! 3.5 seconds, a new record"!!!!!!
"Do you mind? I'm trying to watch TV."
"Darling, don't you think that the ceiling needs painting?"
"Oh Janet!" . And your name is Carol
"Oops I did it again."
"Will you please hurry up there is a really good movie coming on in one minute."
"Is it hurting? I can't even feel it."
"Is it in yet?"
"Do you think your sister would like to join us?"
"I think we should paint the ceiling ivory"
"Are you sure you're not named 'Speedy Gonzales'."
"Oops, sorry I called you by your brother's name."
"Did you just have salami for lunch?"
Fart, giggling, fart, giggling, fart, giggling.
"WRONG HOLE!!!"
"Finished! I didn't think you started yet."
Laughing with the explanation: "I just remembered a joke I heard today."
"But you said you would be through by the time the commercial was over."
580-
My girlfriend was complaining that we don't have enough foreplay before sex. So last night, I tied her to the bed, and slipped a blindfold over her eyes. Then I lubed her pussy with strawberry jam... and licked her out for two whole hours.
Or that's what she thinks - it's amazing what the dog will do for some pork pie jelly.
581-
I said "Darling, let's try something new in the bedroom... I'll get some chocolate spread, some whipped cream, and a few strawberries.
"Then I'll paint my cock with the chocolate spread, and call the kids in for a 'special treat'. Then, one by one, I'll pop the strawberries up my arse, squirt cream down my crack, and while Emily deepthroats me for the last of the chocolate, Jessica can my lick my arsehole and swallow strawberries as I shit them out.
"Then it'll be time to pop their cherries. I'll start with Jess cos she's already 9, she'll be a bit more developed. While I'm fucking her childish vagina, Emily can lick up the blood and get her own tiny cunt ready for a good stretching.
"Then I'll finish off by banging them in the arse a couple of times and squirting a huge load into their little pink mouths. Shall we give it a go?"
My wife looked stunned. "Over my dead body!" she said.
I said "Fuck me you're into some weird shit"
582-
I gave the babysitter a good seeing-to last night.
Or a lift home, as the wife likes to call it.
583-
I hate some of the excuses women come up with for not having sex. Like:
"I'm on my period".
"I've got a headache"
or
"Get your hands off my neck I don't even know you".
584-
I woke up this morning and my nob was really red.
I shagged a fat bird last night and I think it's embarrassed.
585-
Nag, nag, nag. My wife even nags during sex...
She keeps ringing me up and saying, "where the fuck are you?"
586-
Scientists say that masturbation significantly decreases the chances of getting testicular cancer.
Yeah, like we need an excuse.
587-
The Top 12 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love
12. Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!
11. Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.
10. Feel the force!
9. Foreplay, cuddling - a Jedi craves not these things.
8. Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!
7. Do me or do me not - there is no try.
6. Early must I rise. Leave now you must!
5. You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz's hand up my ass.
4. Happens to every guy sometimes this does.
3. When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmm?
2. Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!
1. Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?
588-
The average bloke thinks about sex once every six tits.
589-
My village is holding their annual incest competition.
I've entered my daughter.
590-
TEN WAYS TO TREAT A PENIS
1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i. e., "Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on it likes it's a raw Piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.
2.) When (Not "IF" ) giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner.
3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ... your aim is not that good, and Your100 Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.
4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's Dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the problem ... lubrication, the cure.
5.) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way.
6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!
7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July.
8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.
9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have that effect on him.
10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not that deep! What are you doing ... drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow you're much bigger Than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?"
And never never say "Is it in?"
591-
There's a lot of people for porn, and a lot of people against it.
I just say, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a strap-on penis and a midget do to a donkey, is their business.
592-
What with the credit crunch at the moment
I've decided to become a paedophile.
At least then I can take my girlfriend on holiday for half price.
593-
A man is walking down the street, when he sees a machine with two holes and with a sign overhead that reads: 'Blow Job'. The machine has two slots, one for one dollar and one for a quarter.
He looks in his pockets and finds a dollar and a quarter. He throws the dollar in the machine and sticks his penis into the first hole. And, surprisingly, it feels good... it feels very good... And just when he's about to come, the machine stops.
So he puts his ick in the other hole and puts the quarter in. And it hurts, it hurts. At first he is not even able to take his dick out, but when he does, it's raw and covered with blood. He's crying because of the pain.
An old lady comes from behind the machine and stops to ask what's the matter. He tells her about the first hole and how *wonderful* it felt. Then he describes the hell of the second hole, and shows her his red and torn penis.
And the little old biddy smiles sweetly and says
"You don't expect me to take out my false teeth for a quarter, do you?"
594-
My girlfriend had a change of heart about having a threesome.
She said, "Okay, I'll have one: you, me and another girl, but afterwards you'd better seriously consider proposing to me."
So I thought, "Sounds fair."
Two weeks later she said, "Aren't you going to pop the question then?"
So I said, "Fuck off, I'm not marrying a lesbian."
595-
I met this girl in the pub last night and found we had several interests in common. Like 'My Chemical Romance'
Or Rohypnol as some might call it.
596-
I met this girl at a pub last night, we hit it off and she invited me back to hers for a night of shagging. She asked me if I was into anything kinky, and I said yes. So she slipped into a spandex catsuit with nipple-tassles, got her whip out of the cupboard, and stuck a lubricated vibrator up her arse. Finally, she got me to handcuff her to the bed.
Lustfully, and full of alcohol, she looked up to me and said, "Okay, now fuck me!"
So I left. No need for that kind of language.
597-
TOP 10 REASONS WHY CYBER SEX IS BETTER
10. If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name.
9. Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
8. If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.
7. You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself.
6. Viagra! Who needs Viagra?
5. Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends.
4. Three words: No shotgun weddings.
3. All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela Anderson.
2. They never have to know you live in your parents' basement.
1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.
598-
Alan & Ian are drinking in a bar.
Ian says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"BUGGER !" says Alan; I just joined Rotary....."
599-
The two words that a man never wants to hear when he is shagging a woman are
DON'T and STOP.......................unless they are said together.
600-
My mate came up with the greatest pick up line last night at the bar, he went to a girl and asked :
"Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you wanna kiss me?"
601-
A man brought his date back to his apartment, ripped both their clothes off and then said, "I'd like you to meet my little friend.
The woman took a look, gathered her clothes and said, "Call me when he grows up."
602-
A sheik employed a track star to run from the palace to his harem, which was about three miles away, to fetch one of his wives whenever he was in the mood. The sheik would nod and the track star would take off. This event usually took place about three times a day until the runner died at age 36. The sheik lived to be 96.
The moral of the story is, "Sex doesn't kill you... it's the running after it that does."
603-
There was a spam advertisement in my e-mail this morning that said, in big letters, "Satisfy the girl with a bigger dick!" Damn, I wouldn't be caught dead with a girl with a dick... especially if it's bigger than mine!
604-
Me and the wife decided to have a threesome with my best friend last night.
It was some of the best sex we've ever had.
And I know he enjoyed it his tail hasn't stopped wagging!
605-
I approached a prostitute last night who offered me "hand relief" for £15.
I find it ironic that the sort of person who is willing to stand half naked on a freezing street to sell their body to an endless succession of strangers, night after night, in order to fuel a lethal drugs habit won't lower themselves to use the word "wank."
606-
Is it rape if she comes?
607-
My sexy secretary bent over at the office today, so I pulled down her panties and tried to start fingering her, but she screamed and ran away.
I was very confused and pondered the situation for a long time.
I've come to the conclusion that real life must be different to porn movies.
608-
A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well- appointed suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life. Satiated, the man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?" The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation. Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars. The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam she asks him for three hundred dollars. "Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?" The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't live on the
internet."
609-
I was responsible for cutting rape and sexual assault in my town by 90%.
I moved away.
610-
Sex Guide For Idiots
If she says she is a virgin that doesn't mean she is from a state in the South.
Silence doesn't mean your performance leaves her speechless.
If you're going to call out a name make sure it's the right one.
Choking the chicken is not something done at farms. Spanking the monkey is not something done at zoos.
No one in junior high is 18, even if they're wearing a lot of make-up.
You don't need a passport to French kiss.
If your partner asks you to wear a leather mask it does not mean that it is Halloween.
Safe sex does not mean she has an airbag attached to her.
Spermicide is not made by Raid.
The clap doesn't mean she is applauding your performance.
611-
Some people say it's sick and perverted to be a flasher.
I think it shows a lot of balls.
612-
Instead of giving me a handjob, my girlfriend tried using her keyring.....
I felt like I was being fobbed off.
613-
This is not just dyslexic sex.
This is S & M dyslexic sex.
614-
THINGS NOT TO SAY IN BED WITH SOMEONE...
1. You know you want me to.
2. You suck it-like an ice cream cone.
3. You brought the condoms, right?
4. Let's have a flesh fest.
5. What's your last name?
6. I believe in only fivesomes.
7. Don't tell anybody, OK?
8. The condom is on inside out.
9. You don't believe in bestiality?
10. I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig.
11. Wait! I need my teddy bear.
12. Let me go wash my face real fast.
13. I've got pussy breath.
14. I'm gonna throw up.
15. But I wanted to bite it.
16. You broke my nail!
17. Have you ever seen Basic Instinct?
18. Are you a virgin?
19. Shooey! You're better than Mom.
20. Do you trust me, I mean, really trust me?
21. I wanna go muff diving.
22. My dad did it differently
23. Huh? I'm sorry. I fell asleep.
24. Who needs birth control?
25. The ceiling needs painting.
26. Swallowing is a lot neater.
27. Oh, baby, you're so good. (Said sarcastically.)
28. Do you mind if I draw blood?
29. Ever lick someone's anus?
30. My ex was much better.
31. How much do I owe you?
32. I can't find the key.
33. What do you mean, you can't find the key?
34. I'm hungry for some hair pie.
35. You don't mind if I film, do you?
36. Can I beat you with my love stick?
37. Where am I?
38. It's Mr. Pastyface!
39. Why don't you just bend over and smile.
40. I forgot to lock the door.
41. Leave the TV on.
42. That's £20 for the first hour, right?
43. I think a blindfold would make you feel better.
44. Do you always smell like that?
45. How about some fellatio?
46. Is it in yet?
47. When was the last time you did this?
48. Cellulite makes me horny.
49. What's your name again?
50. Meet my pet sheep, Stud.
51. Are you done yet?
52. Oh, I've got my period. I forgot. I'm sorry.
53. I thought you were your sister.
54. I thought you'd never climax.
55. Meet Russell the Love Muscle.
56. I'm really really drunk.
57. Your stretchmarks turn me on.
58. Did you have an orgasm?
59. My name is really Andy Dugger.
60. Glad we got that over with.
61. Your cushion lends me to some realgood pushin'.
62. If you tell anyone, I'll kill you.
63. If you loved me you would.
64. You mean you're only fourteen?--Yeah.
65. Mr. Head wants some.
66. Ooh, I love small penises.
67. I'm gonna suck your clit like a straw.
615-
Stanley the Sperm decided he was going to be "the one". He practiced swimming
every day, trying to build up his speed and endurance. He also started asking
all kinds of questions. "How will I know the egg? What does it look like? What
does it smell like?"
One crusty old sperm who never made it out took a liking to Stanley. "Well", he
said, "legend says the egg is easy to spot. She is big and round and the smell
is heavenly. It is like a combination of all the flowers in the world and the
scent is just overpowering. You can't miss her. They say you should just hit her
head on and if she accepts you, you will be drawn in and together you will form
a new person. "
The time came and Stanley felt himself being propelled down the shaft and into
the void. He swam and swam, leading his fellow sperm by several lengths. Finally
he rounded a corner and spotted the egg. Big and round, just like he had been
told and dead ahead. Shouting "I am Stanley the Sperm", he built up even more
speed and rammed the egg head first. He immediately backed out spitting and
snorting. "You smell like shit!!" he exclaimed.
"What did you expect? I'm Travis the Turd"
616-
Bloke shagging his girlfriend says' Bend over we'll try the social security
position' ' What the hell is that ?' she says ' When my balls touch your arse
you're getting the full benefit'
617-
There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage
counsellor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right
away.
There were two city gals and one farm gal.
The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were
going to wait awhile.
They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and
all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counsellor asked the first gal what type of
birth control she planned to use.
Her answer was, 'The rhythm method.'
'That will work,' said the counsellor, 'if you keep a good record.'
He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. 'I plan on using birth
control pills,' she said.
Again he said, 'Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.'
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using.
Her answer was, 'The pail and saucer method.' After a short delay, he told her
that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific
date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the
farm gal was slim and trim yet. Well, the counsellor asked the first gal what
method she used and what went wrong.
She replied, 'I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and,
well here I am, going to have a baby.'
He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, 'The birth
control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me
and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.'
He turns to the farm gal. 'I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and
saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and
saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for
you?'
She replied, 'Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller
than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making
love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers..... I kick the
pail out from under him.
618-
Three whores were comparing notes about their customers from the night before.
"I fucked a cowboy last night", said the first.
"How did you know he was a cowboy?" asked the second.
"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots
on all the time we were screwing."
"Sounds like a cowboy, all right," the others agree.
"I fucked a lawyer," announced the second. "I could tell because he wore a three
piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to
the briefcase all the time we were fucking."
They all agreed he sounded like a lawyer.
"I fucked a grain farmer," commented the third.
"How could you possibly know he was a grain farmer?" one asked.
"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he
asked if he could pay me in the autumn."
619-
Sex and Sunshine
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old timer is reading this.
You hang in there, Sunshine!
620-
Confucius says ...
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
621-
My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and
said "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her
back over and came all over her face and hair.
Man was she upset; I guess we don't watch the same movies.
622-
Some people say to me, "talk to the hand because the face ain't listening," but,
inevitably, the hand won't listen either. So I started talking to my own hand
and, you know, things went well, one thing led to another and, before you know
it, we were in my room having great sex.
623-
When my girlfriend confessed to having a secret rape fantasy, I felt like the
luckiest man alive.
That was before I woke up handcuffed to the bed with a strap-on up my arse.
624-
I always go for a run after sex.
Can't risk getting caught.
625-
The problem with rape is that you can't fart, rollover and go to sleep
afterwards.
You can, but that's why I'm posting this from prison.
626-
I was walking down a street when the woman in front of me dropped her bags. She
asked me for help.
"Of course I'll help," I said to her, "With how beautiful you are, I bet you can
get a man to do anything."
She giggled and flirted back by touching my arm and saying, "With how strong you
are, I bet you can get a woman to do anything."
I laughed and said, "Yes, I can actually."
Then I raped her.
627-
Never die a virgin, when you get to heaven they make you fuck a suicide
bomber...
628-
I'm not normally suspicious, but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from
Autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack.
She hasn't even got a car.
629-
Does anyone know where I can register to become a sex offender?
630-
So this guy goes into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prostitute, he
puts $50 on the table and drops his pants. The hooker almost faints, the guy has
a 18 inch cock.
She says," Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you're not sticking that
in me."
The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says, " Screw that, I can do
that myself !"
631-
Bobby Ray and Susie Jane were fooling around out in the cornfield when Bobby
Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I am getting so horny, you just have to let me have
some." Susie Jane said, "Well, maybe I will, but it is going to cost you a
quarter." Bobby Ray dug down in his pocket and said, "Susie Jane, I only got ten
cents, and you just have to let me do it for ten cents." Susie Jane said, "Ain't
no way I am goin to do it for no ten cents, I said a quarter."
Bobby Ray said, "I tell you what Susie Jane, how about you just give me ten
cents worth?" Susie Jane said, "You must think I be crazy, cause you know you
won't stop when I say you got ten cents worth.
Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I promise, I promise I will stop when you say I
got ten cents worth." So they get down between two rows of corn and start going
at it. After about a minute, Susie Jane said, "Bobby Ray, BOBBY RAY" and he
said, "Oh Susie Jane, now don't tell me I have got ten cents worth already", and
she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your left
side? And Bobby Ray said, "Uhuh." And she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big
cornstalk over there on your right side?" Bobby Ray said, "Uhuh."
Susie May said, "BOBBY RAY, you better grab ahold of those two big cornstalks,
cause I'm a fixin to loan you fifteen cents".
632-
I woke up this morning on the settee, with my pants around my feet and a
cucumber stuck up my arse.
I'd a post-it note stuck to my forehead. It said;
"I saw you spike my drink, so swapped them."
BITCH!
633-
I met a really horny bitch on the way home from the pub last night and I
commented on how fuckable she looked. She thanked me for the compliment and
suggested that I drag her into the bushes and have rough sex with her.
Actually, she said nothing like that but I've always had an extraordinary talent
for reading between the lines.
634-
What comes out of a cock when it is kissed?
The wrinkles.
635-
I had the greatest sex ever last night with my girlfriend and my dog.
Only joking. I don't have a girlfriend.
636-
I've just found out I can still have sex at 65.
I am so happy because I only live at No.58, so it's not far to walk home . . .
637-
I was in KFC the other day and this fit girl took my order.
"I can make it large for you for an extra 35p," she said.
"You already have," I replied, "what about a wank for a quid?"
638-
Sex really brings out my girlfriends sense of humour.
Just the other day she finished sucking me off and laid back spreadeagled,
saying "My turn."
639-
I had some pretty rough sex with the girlfriend last night, she was scratching,
screaming and biting like a proper animal.
Well I say girlfriend, technically ex-girlfriend, we broke up a week ago.
640-
I started being sexually active at ten.
It's now 2 minutes past & I'm done.
641-
I went into my local sex shop last week where I came across a rather nice
selection of blow-up dolls, complete with pump, for just £50 apiece. Not being
able to make up my mind about which one I wanted, I decided to spend a few days
weighing up the options.
Having come to a decision decision I went back to the sex shop this morning to
make my purchase, only to find that much to my dismay, the only dolls available
for sale were pre-blown-up, for a price of £100.
Still, I guess that's the cost of inflation...
642-
My dad walked in whilst I had my dick caught in a zip.
The embarrassing bit was that the jeans were my mum's.
The most embarrassing bit was that she was wearing them at the time.
643-
Mick Hucknall from Simply Red was arrested for shagging a rabbit today.
In his police statement he said he was "Holding back the ears" and the "bunny
was too tight to mention".
644-
A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The girl
lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and
says to himself, "Man oh Man I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin." The girl
overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your
virginity to me?" "Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was
with the woman I love to lose my virginity." Astounded, the girl replies, "So
you really love me?" "Oh God no!” the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."
645-
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's
fantastic."
-- Woody Allen
646-
At a recent family gathering I bumped into an uncle that used to pay me a pound
to suck his cock and seeing him again after nearly 20 years brought back the
anger and hate I've been feeling all these years. I thought of saying nothing
but the more drunk I got the more anger I felt until I couldn't take anymore.
Eventually, I approached him.
"Oi, you cunt." I screamed in his face as everybody in the room suddenly turned
to look.
"How come you paid my sister double?"
647-
It's an age-old truism. Men will quickly fall asleep after having sex. And I
know why, too. It's because they've been up half the night begging for it.
648-
I went to a restaurant a couple of nights ago and ordered the finest steak they
had to offer. As I was eating it I couldn't help but think "Wow, this steak is
better than sex!"
Then last night while I was having sex I had a follow- up thought...
"Cheaper, too."
649-
Tips on how to masturbate;
If you're a girl
1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make
sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than your head.
Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about
nothing. And DON'T BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open
but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your
thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose
pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of
choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to
touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your
poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage
the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start
all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again,
don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it
softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your
free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot
above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might
hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's
not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin
slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a
little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You
might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels
very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the
sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer
than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you
do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it
worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger.
Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be
unless you used something large.
If you're a boy
1)Read this.
2)Rub penis.
650-
bestfilthyjokes@googlemail.com