Some of the funniest filthy jokes I've heard

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Politics 2

201-
RECENT ORDERS TO TROOPS IN IRAQ.
To: All Commands Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts Ref: ComMidEastFor Inst 16134//24 K
All commanders promulgate upon receipt. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:
"Eat Pork Or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]
"Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
"Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions]
"Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic versions]
The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]
Guns don't kill people. I kill people." [Both Arabic and English versions]
"Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]
"Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]
The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.
The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
"Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800 Daily."
"Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"
All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.

202-
Two men meet in a pub. One says to the other, "Do you know the joke about Tony Blair having to leave office and become a lavatory attendant?" "No," says the second.
"Neither do I," says the first, "but I just like the way it starts."

203-
George Bush this morning on CNN announced that the floods in New Orleans are believed to be the work of a suicide plumber from Iraq.

204-
I went to a Muslim birthday party yesterday and after the food there were games.......
That was the fastest game of “Pass the parcel” I’ve ever played.

205-
If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.

206-
Morals
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in New Orleans and there is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realise who it is. It's the President, George W. Bush. At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options, you can save the life of the President or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most famous men.
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

207-
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks ... "How many is a Brazillion ??!"

208-
True to British generosity the UK, instead of sending aid to Pakistan following the disastrous earthquake, they're sending replacements.

209-
"What the American people have seen is this incredible disparity in which those people who had cars and money got out and those people who were impoverished died."
-- Ted Kennedy on Hurricane Katrina, 2005

"Ditto"
-- Mary Jo Kopechne, posthumously

210-
NEWSFLASH!
London police are in trouble again. They have just shot a bus load of Thalidomide Muslims, on suspicion of bringing small arms into the country.

211-
NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED: Governmentium
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons, and 224 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no protons or electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes a reaction to take 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morons." When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

212-
"I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with."

213-
President Bush May Send Up To 5 Marines For French Assistance
President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France's ass out of the fire again. Facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed off teenagers. Mr. Bush doubts France's ability to hold off the little pissants. "Hell, if the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender any day now", said Bush. Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to 5 marines to get things under control. The general admitted that 5 marines may be overkill but he wanted to get this thing under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even one marine to help those ungrateful bastards out for a third time but thought that he could persuade a few women marines to do the job before they went on pregnancy leave.
President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our marines out of there as soon as possible after order was restored. He also reminded Gen. Pace to make sure the marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them. The less they stand out the better.

214-
"The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today.
He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers."

215-
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented yet, so our early human ancestors just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement".
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, weaving and hair dressing. This was the beginning of "the Liberal movement." Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girlymen'.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, class action lawsuits, the invention of group therapy &group hugs and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, hair dressers, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented baseball's designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer and eat red meat & potatoes. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, self employed, athletes &generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. They also like to take money away from successful people and give it to the failures. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame &created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Thus ends today's lesson in world history.

216-
USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELLING IN MUSLIM AREAS:
AKBAR KHALIKILI HAFTIR LOTFAN. Thank you for showing me your marvellous gun.
FEKR GABUL CRADAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR. I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE. I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST. It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHALEH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM HESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN. If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMERIKAHEY. I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN. The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.
TIEKH NUNEH OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

217-
The Centre for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behaviour.
The disease is called Gonorrhoea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him."
Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behaviour.
Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

218-
We could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex. Everyone would pay their share. Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older.
The tax would also promote family values. How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask, "Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?" Or be a teenager and come home to find your dad with your tax bill in his hand.
We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns. Locker room conversations would change... "Get a load of this Hollywood tax bill!"
The forms would change a little also. We would now have a 1040Quickee. And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal"...and deductions for masturbation.

219-
Q: What did George Bush do when he found out Tony Blair got a nipple ring?
A: He got a Dick Cheney.

220-
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years Madame?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word,... 'appiness!'"

221-
Dear IRS,
Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet s eat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer

222-
In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun.
It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems.

223-
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long grey hair, wearing a white robe and sandals and holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and asked, "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Moses?"
The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.
The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.
The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy, or does that man not look like Moses to you?"
The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. "Watch!"
Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and I ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil."

224-
President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington as part of his campaign. Karl Rove made a visit to the Bishop and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research and the like.
We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say the President is a saint."
The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."
Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug and as the sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily:
"George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.' He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people.
He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known.
But compared to Dick Cheney and the rest of his cabinet, George Bush is a saint."

225-
Denmark! you really do have to appease the Muslims over the cartoons.
The best thing you can do to calm them down is to send them a ship load of Danish bacon.

226-
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died
Lesson Learned? - the next time Charles gets married, Liverpool seem to be doing well in Europe, and English cricket is on fire, someone better warn the Pope to keep his fucking head down.

227-
Recently an image of Jesus on a pizza and the Virgin Mary on a bagel have sold for record sums on E. Bay.
What will the image of Mohammed on a bacon sandwich fetch?

228-
Q. what do you call a muslim with a pig on his head?
A. Hamed
Q.what do you call a muslim with a pig and a cow on his head?
A. MOOhamed!

229-
I am a senior citizen.
During the Clinton Administration I had a good job.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse because of his policies.
I lost my job.
I lost my home.
I lost my health insurance.
I lost my two sons in that terrible War in Iraq.
As a matter of fact, I've lost virtually everything and become homeless.
Instead of getting some help, I only got hassled.
George W. Bush has to go!
We should do anything that Senators Kennedy, Clinton, and Kerry want to do to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House with the next election.
Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein

230-
"We can count on the French to be there when they need us."

231-
The following is a sampling of news story headlines related to Vice President Cheney's shooting accident:
Kingsville Dispatch
"Sheriff Fines Cheney $100 For Only Wounding Lawyer"
National Review Online
"Red States Poll Shows Cheney Shooting Was Justifiable"
Dallas Morning News
"Shot Came From Grassy Knoll"
Austin Statesman
"Cheney Says Victim's Quail Call Was Best He Ever Heard"
Washington Post
"Cheney Prevents Hunting Party From Field Dressing Shooting Victim"
The Nation
"Cheney Drove Shooting Victim to Hospital Tied to The Hood of His Car"
San Antonio Express/News
"Sneaky Lawyer Tactics Don't Work On Cheney"
Houston Chronicle
"Personal Injury Lawyers Hold Candlelight Vigil Outside Cheney Victim Hospital"
Wyoming Tribune Eagle
"Cheney Friends Decline Fall Duck Hunting Invitation"
La Raza
"Cheney Shooting Victim Gets Emergency Room Priority Over Illegal Aliens"
Vegan News
"Cheney Shooting Victim Converts To Vegetarian In Hospital"
NRA American Rifleman
"Witnesses Claim Cheney Only Feathered Lawyer"
New Orleans Times Picayune
"Getting 'Dicked' Has All New Meaning"

232-
This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fell on the same day.
It is an ironic juxtaposition:
One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other involves a groundhog.

233-
Customer walks into a porno store asking for an inflatable doll...
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?
Customer says, "Female'
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."

234-
The Official Apology from Denmark to the Muslim world
We're sorry we gave you shelter when war drove you from your home country
We're sorry we took you in when others rejected you
We're sorry we gave you the opportunity to get a good education
We're sorry we gave you a food and a home when you had none
We're sorry we let you re-unite with your family when your homeland was no longer safe
We're sorry we never forced you to work while WE paid all your bills
We're sorry we gave you almost FREE rent, phone, internet, car and school for your 10 kids
We're sorry we built you mosques so you could worship your religion in our Christian land
We're sorry we never forced you to learn our language after staying 30 years
And so…….from all Danes to the entire Muslim world we just want to say
FUCK YOU

235-
In an attempt to stop the spread of bird flu, President Bush has ordered the bombing of the Canary Islands and Turkey

236-
Back in Arkansas, just prior to Bill Clinton's first run for the governership, his campaign manager thought that a touch of hometown nostalgia was needed to reinforce the candidate's image as a small-town boy. So he sent a researcher off to Hope, AK to gather stories about Billy's youth.
Things went well for most of the first day. The researcher managed to locate Bill's 5th grade teacher who just gushed over what a fine young lad Billy was. She had several anecdotes to pass along. He talked with the baseball coach, the physics teacher and even found the little girl Bill had a crush on in Jr. High -- and again, got good stories that could be used to demonstrate young Clinton's character and hometown values.
By the time he started knocking on doors in the countryside near where young Bill grew up he had his campaign ads half-written. And that's when he met Amos J. Pettigrew...one of Hope's most successful farmers. Here's how their conversation went...
"Mr. Pettigrew, I'm Lawson Merriweather, and I'm working on Bill Clinton's campaign for the job of governor. Can I trouble you to think back and see if you remember any good anecdotes from Mr. Clinton's youth here in Hope that we could use to explain to the good citizens of Arkansas what a fine man he is and how he got to be that way?"
Pettigrew turned beet red, puffed up and looked just like he was going to explode. "Billy CLINTON? Why ah wouldn't vote fer thet little sumbitch fer DOGCATCHER, let alone guvner! Jeeeesus, Mary and Joseph!"
This revelation almost knocked Merriweather out of his sox. He had visions of some horrible scandal that was surely going to derail his candidate's campaign before it even got started . "Dear me Mr. Pettigrew, why on EARTH would you say such a thing? Everybody else I've talked to seems to LOVE Bill Clinton."
"Well sonny, lemme jest 'splain it to you," said Pettigrew....
"Bout 15 years ago I had me one a the finest damn bulls thet's ever been seen in this state. Old Methusala wuz jest about the most beautiful hunk-a-Holstein the Good Lord ever done put on the face of this earth. Other cattlemen used to bring their heifers in from 2-300 miles away jest ta git serviced by Old Methusala, and he done 'em proud, I can tell ya. I wuz pullin' in $4-500 a week with that ole boy.
Then one mornin' I come out and Old Methusala was jest standin' in the corner of his pen over on the side of the house thar. Good-lookin heifer had been in there with 'im all night and she weren't mussed up a bit. The old boy hadn't done his bizness, and he didn't look like he was gonna. I'm tellin' you what's the truth now, I wuz damned worried. That weren't like Methusala at ALL. Sumpin wuz damned sure wrong.
I run in the house agin and called up old Doc Seabrook. Tol' him how Old Methusala wuz actin', and Doc he jest chuckled and said, 'Shit howdy Amos, the damned bull's jest plugged up. Ya need to loosen up his bowels a bit. Pump some warm water 'n soap sud's in him and he'll be fine'.
Well, it wuzn't till I'd hung up the phone thet I thought to ask m'self how I wuz gonna go about gettin' water and soap suds into the rear end of thet mean sumbitch. Methusala wouldn't put up with much messin' around, if ya know whut ah mean.
And right then I had an idee. I 'membered I had this ol' bugle up in the attic, and I figured it'd make a damn fine funnel. I set a bucket o' water out in the sun, poured some laundry soap in't, and went up to look fer the bugle.
It took me some time ta find it -- hadn't seen the damned thing since I come home from the Army -- but I finally did, and carried it down to the pen. Old Methusala still hadn't moved, and that heifer was a pretty little thing.
Movin' slow so's not to spook him, I kinda snuck round behind Old Methusala with the bugle and the bucket of soapy water. I managed to slide the bugle gently up his backside, and Old Methusala didn't move a muscle. Then I tipped the bucket up and poured the soapy water right on in.
With thet, Methusala jumped straight up into the air -- sumbitch went STRAIGHT UP. Three feet or more, and he kicked his hind legs like some one had shot him with rock salt or sumpin. Best I can figger, that water had got a hell of a lot hotter than I thought sittin' out in the sun like thet. Musta smarted sumpin awful.
But that warn't the worst part. When Methusala kicked up his heels like'at a whole bunch'a air rushed outta his innards, and the bugle gave off a real load WHOOP.
Thet musta scared hell outta the idjit 'cause he jumped agin, this time right toward the gate -- and the bugle let out another WHOOP. Right through the gate the sumbitch went, tore it all to flinders, then headed fer thet field over yonder. And I was right behind him tryin' to get the critter to slow down.
The water musta still been botherin' him though, 'cause he kicked up his heels agin, and WHOOP, WHOOP -- he was off to the races.
All the way acrost thet field -- me 'n the bull -- dodgin' here and there-- me hollerin' -- the bull kickin -- and thet dadblamned bugle goin' WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP.
When we got to thet far corner of the field, the bull jest veered to th' right and went through that gate down there by the road. Jest rammed right through it like it wasn't nothin. Bugle WHOOPed agin. The bull kept right on agoin'.
Now the big guy was comin' up on the drawbridge down there at the river, and he wuz kickin' and WHOOP-in' to raise the dead. And there sits that damnfool Billy Clinton, doin' his summer job a-tendin' the drawbridge.
Guess he musta been nappin' or sumpin, but as soon's he heered that WHOOP-in' he jumps up and raises the guldern bridge. My prize bull kicked agin, WHOOP-ed one more time and disappeared over the edge into the river. Sumbitch sunk like a stone. Never seed him agin.
Now I don't know about you sonny, but any damn fool thet don't know the difference between a boat whistle and a bull with a bugle up his rear don't deserve to be guvner of this fair state!!"

237-
A woman wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Guantanamo Bay.
She received the following reply:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C.20016
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. My administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is a psychopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him. Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka - over time.
Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his "religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed and remember ............ we'll be watching.
Cordially,
George W. Bush President

238-
If you are ready for the, adventure of a lifetime TRY THIS:
Enter Pakistan or China illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.
Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.
Demand bilingual nurses and doctors. Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc. Procreate abundantly.
Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behaviour with, "It is a cultural English thing. You would not understand, pal."
Keep your English identity strong. Fly the Union Jack from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper.
Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise.
Demand classes on English culture in their school system.
Demand a local driver license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimise your unauthorized, illegal presence in their country. Drive around with no liability insurance and ignore local traffic laws, such as street racing.
Insist that local law enforcement teach English to all its officers.
Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time or soon be dead. Because it will never happen. It will not happen in Pakistan, China or any other country in the world except right here in England, Land of the naive and stupid, idiotic politically correct politicians. If you agree, pass it on. If you don't, go ahead and try the above in Pakistan, China or Iran.

239-
Things you have to believe to be a Republican today
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offence, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defence policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
You support states' rights, but the Attorney General can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

240-
TO: Honourable Senator Porky Earmark Washington, D.C
Dear Sir,
I have been evacuated from New Orleans because the flood took my old trailer and beat up car. I thought I might go into business to supplement my welfare check.
My friend over at Wells, Iowa received a check for $1,000 from the Government for not raising hogs. Right now I'm getting extra help from the government and Red Cross while I'm displaced but when that stops I want to go into the "not-raising-hogs" business.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm to not raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavour in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer to not raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed to not raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours, Ima Taker
PS. please notify me when you are giving out more free cheese.

241-
Why are Democrats better than Republicans in bed?
You've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant, have you?

242-
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot ( MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor ( MADE IN HONG KONG ). He put on a dress shirt ( MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans ( MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes ( MADE IN KOREA ). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet ( MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator ( MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch ( MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio ( MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car ( MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN J O B . At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals ( MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine ( MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV ( MADE IN INDONESIA ), then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in A M E R I C A .....

243-
During Clinton's interview with the grand jury, the prosecutor held up a picture of Monica and asked the president if he had ever seen this woman.
Bill Clinton replied, "I think I've come across her face a couple of times"

244-
Life’s similarities…. John Prescott and MFI Furniture……
One loose screw and the whole fucking Cabinet falls apart….

245-
Two US Marines are listening to the radio in Iraq. "American soldiers," coos a soft female voice, "Your so-called national leaders have lied to you. You are needlessly risking your lives to wage a useless, unjust, illegal, and unwinnable war. Now is the time to return home to your loved ones, while you are still alive. If you foolishly insist on remaining where you are not wanted, the brave resistance fighters will have no choice but to kill you and add your name to the long ever-increasing casualty list of this insane war. So why risk never seeing your loved ones again for a so-called president who has repeatedly lied and deceived you at every opportunity? Why should you be sacrificed so that US corporations can enjoy fatter profits? The only wise thing to do is return home now, while you are still drawing breath, before you return zippered into a bodybag."
"What's this?" sneers one Marine. "An Islamo-terrorist version of Tokyo Rose?"
"No," answers the other. "It's just CNN.

246-
In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
“Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
"They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
"Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord, "the government beat me to it!"

247-
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?
Here is a test that will help you decide.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor? Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer: BANG!
Southerner's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click. Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points? Son: Can I shoot the next one! Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

248-
Alexander A Stevens, US Senator and, subsequently Vice-President of the Confederate States, was remarkably short and weighed less than 80 lbs. Once there arose a heated debate between Stevens and a Congressman who was tall and huge. At one point in the debate the big Senator shouted, "Why, I could swallow you and never know I'd eaten a thing." "In that case, you'd have more brains in your belly than you ever had in your head," retorted Stevens.

249-
A million housewives every day
Pick up a can of beans and say
"Beanz Meanz Heinz!"

A million schoolboys every day
Eat a can of beans and say
"Beanz Meanz Fartz!"

A million no-necks every day
Plaster their car with St George's flags and say
"In-ger-lundd, In-ger-lundd, In-ger-lundd!"

A million tax-payers every day
Look at their take-home pay and say
"Don't say Brown - say tax and spend and waste!"

A million new voters every day
Look at Tony B. Liar and say
"I don't know anybody who voted for that fucking shower!"

A million patriots every day
See a St George's flag and say
"A flag is for life, not just a tournament"

A million Rover-owners every day
Look at their own car and say
"Hey John, want a new[-ish] motor?"

250-
Elections can be very boring, though. In one campaign meeting the candidate droned on and on, until eventually someone in the audience threw a bottle at him. Unfortunately it missed and hit the chairman -- who, as he sank dazed to the floor, was heard to say: "Hit me again, I can still hear the bugger."

251-
How about some quotes from our enlightened leaders:
"Damnit, when you get married, you kind of expect you're going to get a little sex."
--Jeremiah Denton, senator from Alabama, 1981-86. Denton had offered a bill providing criminal immunity for raping a spouse.
"Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him is like trying to read a Playboy with your wife turning the pages."
--Barry Goldwater, 1964 Republican presidential nominee
"If guns are outlawed, how can we shoot the liberals?"
--Mike Gunn, Mississippi state senator, 1991
"We have every mixture you can imagine. I have a black, I have a woman, two Jews and a cripple."
--James Watt, Secretary of the Interior, 1981-83, describing an Interior Department advisory group.
"Bill Clinton's foreign policy experience is pretty much limited to having had breakfast once at the International House of Pancakes."
--Pat Buchanan, 1996 Republican presidential candidate.
"Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?"
--George Bush, touring Auschwitz in 1987.
"If you're worried about caribou, take a look at the arguments that were used about the pipeline. They'd say the caribou would be extinct. You've got to shake them away with a stick. They're all making love lying up against the pipeline, and you got thousands of caribou up there."
--George Bush, commenting on the Alaskan pipeline.

252-
The Australians got this right...
Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.
A day after a group of mainstream Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to Australia and her Queen at a special meeting with Prime Minister John Howard, he and his Ministers made it clear that extremists would face a crackdown.
Treasurer Peter Costello, seen as heir apparent to Howard, hinted that some radical clerics could be asked to leave the country if they did not accept that Australia was a secular state, and its laws were made by parliament.
"If those are not your values, if you want a country which has Sharia law or a theocratic state, then Australia is not for you," he said on national television.
"I'd be saying to clerics who are teaching that there are two laws governing people in Australia: one the Australian law and another the Islamic law, that is false. If you can't agree with parliamentary law, independent courts, democracy, and would prefer Sharia law and have the opportunity to go to another country, which practices it, perhaps, then, that's a better option," Costello said.
Asked whether he meant radical clerics would be forced to leave, he said those with dual citizenship could possibly be asked to move to the other country.
Education Minister Brendan Nelson later told reporters that Muslims who did not want to accept local values should "clear off. Basically, people who don't want to be Australians, and who don't want to live by Australian values and understand them, well then, they can basically clear off," he said.
Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques.
Quote: "IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians."
"However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the 'politically correct' crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia."
"However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand."
"This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle."
"This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom"
"We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, Learn the language!"
"Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture."
"We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us."
"If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like "A Fair Go", then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. By all means, keep your culture, but do not force it on others.
"This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'."
"If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted."
Maybe if we circulate this amongst ourselves, English citizens will find the backbone to start speaking and voting the same truths!!

253-
Dear Senator ,
As a native Californian and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the immigration and Naturalization Service in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My reasons for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, what I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years.
I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent,

254-
The White House has announced a new public relations drive designed to rehabilitate Vice President Dick Cheney's image among the American people. President George W. Bush, in a speech to the Heritage Society, has called upon that august body to lead the charge in a show of support for the beleaguered Vice President. The program is said to focus on a bi-partisan effort to convince Americans that whether they are Republican, Democrat or Independent, the current Administration is the government for all the people, and Dick Cheney is a vital part of that Administration. The public relations program, called "I LOVE MY DICK!" is an attempt to show Americans that the Vice President belongs to all of them, not just an elite few. White House staffers handed out buttons that said, "I Love My Dick!", "We All Need Dick Now!" and "Your Bush Needs A Dick!" to Heritage members as they left the gathering. In Evangelical churches across the nation, pastors have been encouraged to post such sayings as "Jesus Loves Dick" and "God Bless My Dick". In a man on the street interview Georgetown hair stylist Christopher Street said, "Honey, I think it's fabulous! I've been wearing the "I Love Dick!" button everyday to work to show my support. All of my stylists are very positive about Dick these days as well. It's a whole new Dick loving world baby!" Unnamed White House Source P Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "I personally was a little leery of wearing a button that said "Give Me More Dick, Please" but my wife seems to love hers. The only one who doesn't seem too thrilled with the new program is the Vice President's daughter Mary, but I'm not sure why. She does always wear the "I Love Bush" button though. I tell you this right now though, I'm not letting my daughter wear the "Give Me Dick Please!" button, ever." So far public support from the Administration's base seems positive, with Festus P. Hymen of Billings, Montana urging his congregation to put the "Every Bush Needs A Good Dick" bumper stickers on their trucks and SUV's. Evangelical Christian women seem quite happy to suddenly be allowed to voice their love of Dick as are a distressing number of their husbands.

255-
Another example of your government at work????
1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack??
2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant??
3. Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office??
4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister??
5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"??
6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign??
7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbour's wife while he was engaged to someone else??
8. Which president had a torrid affair with the First Lady's personal secretary??
9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet, while, at one point a secret service agent prevented the hysterical First Lady from attacking them??
10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the other president who did the same in a closet??
11. Which Vice-President was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more "impressive" (i.e. numerous) than the President's??
12. Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his penis, which he named Jumbo??
Answers:
1. John F. Kennedy
2 Bill Clinton
3. Lyndon B. Johnson
4. Thomas Jefferson
5. Bill Clinton
6. Andrew Jackson
7. George Washington, Lyndon B. Johnson
8. Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy
9. Warren G. Harding
10. John F. Kennedy
11. Lyndon B. Johnson
12. Lyndon B. Johnson

256-
THE SQUIRREL & THE GRASSHOPPER
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE ENGLISH VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The English press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of England demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has got rich off the backs of grasshoppers and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter London city centre.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrels? Taxes are reassessed.
He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile.
The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to England as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of English apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.
A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".
The cats seek recompense in the English courts for their treatment since arrival in the UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry that will eventually cost 10 million pounds is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching England’s multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in England.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END (subject to inheritance tax and property revaluation for the squirrel)

257-
Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.
A day after a group of mainstream Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to Australia at a special meeting with Prime Minister John Howard, he and his ministers made it clear that extremists would face a crack down.
Treasurer Peter Costello, seen as heir apparent to Howard, hinted that some radical clerics could be asked to leave the country if they did not accept that Australia was a secular state and its laws were made by parliament.
"If those are not your values, if you want a country which has Sharia law or a theocratic state, then Australia is not for you," he said on national television.
"I'd be saying to clerics who are teaching that there are two laws governing people in Australia, one the Australian law and another the Islamic law, that is false. If you can't agree with parliamentary law, independent courts, democracy, and would prefer Sharia law and have the opportunity to go to another country, which practices it, perhaps, then, that's a better option," Costello said.
Asked whether he meant radical clerics would be forced to leave, he said those with dual citizenship could possibly be asked to move to the other country.
Education Minister Brendan Nelson later told reporters that
Muslims who did not want to accept local values should "clear off".
"Basically, people who don't want to be Australians, and they don't want to live by Australian values and understand them, well then they can basically clear off, "he said.
Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agency's monitoring the nation's mosques.
AMERICA , Britain and Canada...ARE YOU LISTENING?
Quote:
IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT.
Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians.
However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.
I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia.
However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand.
This idea of Australia being a multi cultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle.
This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom. We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, Learn the language!
Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push but a fact because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, Because God is part of our culture.

We will accept your beliefs and will not question why, all we ask is that you accept ours and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.
If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like " A Fair Go", then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet.
We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. By all means keep your culture but do not force it on others.
This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this.
But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, "THE RIGHT TO LEAVE".

If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.
Pretty easy really, when you think about it. I figure if we all keep passing this to our friends (and enemies) it will also, sooner or later get back to the complainers, lets all try, please.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE, PERHAPS WE CAN CREATE A GROUND SWELL AND SEND OUR POLITICIANS THE MESSAGE THAT THE VAST MAJORITY OF US BELIEVE AS THE AUSSIES DO.........

258-
Two Iranians meet in Miami. One starts to greet the other in Farsi, the language of their native country.
The other Iranian waved him away contemptuously and said, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!"

259-
Dear President Bush:
I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.
I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.
So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labour laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favour if you ask him nicely.
However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
Sincerely,

260-
Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Sam
Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.

261-
My country invaded Iraq, and all I got was this expensive petrol...

262-
Tony Blair called John Prescott into his office one day and said, 'John I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'. 'Great idea Tony how will we go about it?' said Prescott.
'Well' said Blair, 'we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other or one of those villages and we'll show we really enjoy the Countryside.' 'Right Oh' said Prescott.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for (Much Piddling-in-the-Brook) and found a lovely country pub (The Surly Yokel) and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.
'Good evening Landlord may we have two pints of your best ale, from the Wood?' said Blair. 'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'.
Blair and Prescott stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so several other locals came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Blair and Prescott could stand it no longer and called the Barman over.
'Tell me,' said Blair, ' why did all those old shepherds come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?' 'Good Lord no,' said the barman. 'It's just that someone went and told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes!?'

263-
An arab was found hanging in a slum in Golders Green. The autopsy also showed ten bullet wounds and twenty three knife wounds.
The coroner, Hymie Rosenbaum, recorded the death as the worst case of suicide he had ever seen

264-
The Veil Controversy
The Muslim Council of GREAT BRITAIN and the GOVERNMENT have finally come to a sensible compromise on the situation.
This is how the new veil will look.
I think it might work.

265-
Notification Of Compulsory Enlistment
Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the American Conflict. You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth. The regulars are too busy driving Green Goddesses to be there themselves.
Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned after previous adventures in the Falklands and the Gulf, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer, RyanAir also do a nice little £9.99 trip.
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:

* Combat Jacket
* Trousers (preferably khaki - but, please, no denim)
* Tin helmet
* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
* Gas mask
* Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey :2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do)
* Rifle
* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
* Suntan oil

If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank - Vickers Defence of Leeds are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last.
We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose. There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:

* The Guns of Navarone
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge too Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Blazing Saddles
* The Desert Song
* Mary Poppins

We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.

Yours faithfully,
G Hoon, Ministry of Defence.
(A Bush/Blair Production) Sponsored by Mars, the official snack of World War III

266-
International Security States
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'. Londoners have not been 'A Bit Cross' since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from 'Tiresome' to a 'Bloody Nuisance'. The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and the French that are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout loudly and excitedly' to 'Elaborate military posturing'. Two more levels remain, 'Change sides' and 'Roll around on the ground'.
The Germans also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful arrogance' to 'Dress in uniform and sing marching songs'. They have two higher levels: 'Invade a neighbour' and 'Lose'.
Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from 'Isolationism' to 'Find another oil-rich nation for regime change'. Their remaining higher states are 'Attack random countries (ideally those without any credible military)' and 'Beg the British for help'.
The Australians thought about doing something but have decided that their security level of 'She'll be alright mate' is enough.

267-
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoots the bull with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don' t need him anymore. You're a United States senator from New York. Act like one

268-
You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef.
PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children".
Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The "cow" starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

269-
A big earth quake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 50,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. The European community is sending food and money.
The United States is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.

270-
A lady wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay.
She received back the following reply:
The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant care-takers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a sub-human form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching.
Good luck!
Cordially, your friend,
George W

271-
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the US, British, Canadian, Australian, and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences, rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
It got so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop.

272-
Our Wonderful Politicians
Shilpa Shetty is the sweetheart of the UK, or at least the sweetheart of guilty middle-aged men who think that possessing a basic teenager's knowledge of modern pop culture makes then credible to normal people - in short, politicians like Shilpa Shetty.
And Shilpa Shetty just loves politicians right back. Ever since Gordon Brown went to India to try and stop everyone from burning effigies of Jade Goody at the height of the Celebrity Big Brother racistathon, Shilpa Shetty has been enjoying a love affair with all British politicians, and this was topped off yesterday when Shilpa Shetty went to visit the House Of Commons, where she simpered about how nice everyone was, made some weak jokes about how the House Of Commons was a bit like the Celebrity Big Brother house and then went somewhere else.
The best thing about politicians is probably the way they'll leap on any passing fad to try and look like they're not hopelessly out-of-touch with modern voters. For example, there's going to be a debate in the House Of Commons next week entitled Did You See Those Two Boys Kissing On Hollyoaks The Other Day? Man That Was Well Gash, and one of the topics to be covered in the next Prime Minister's Question Time is The Ginger One Out Of Girls Aloud: What's That All About? I Thought They Were All Supposed To Be Pretty Or Sumfink.
So when the big Celebrity Big Brother racism thing kicked off, you could literally smell the anticipation coming from the country's MPs. Politicians were lining up to say how Shilpa Shetty is brilliant and racism is bad and - in the case of Edwina Curry - how Jade Goody was a right old slag. And ever since Shilpa Shetty won Celebrity Big Brother, MPs have been hounding her to come and visit the House Of Commons. After an invite from MP Keith Vaz, Shilpa Shetty took time out from her never-ending quest to find a boyfriend to pootle over to parliament and have a look around. And this, according to The Mirror, is what happened:
The PM ushered her into his office for a private meeting and besotted Leader of the House Jack Straw asked for her autograph. His fellow ministers Peter Hain and Harriet Harman were among Westminster high fliers who joined Shilpa in the plush Members' Dining Room for lunch. They finished up with a dessert named Shilpa's Delight in her honour. Labour chairwoman Hazel Blears even collared her in a corridor and gushed: "You're so glamorous!" And after her chat with the Bollywood beauty, Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell simply exclaimed: "Wow!" Shilpa, 31, said afterwards that Mr Blair, who gave her a picture of the Commons signed by him and wife Cherie, had been "very, very sweet". She said they had discussed the racist bullying she endured in the Big Brother house, adding: "The Prime Minister was really kind. He said I carried myself with the utmost dignity." And as Big Ben struck the hour behind her, she exclaimed: "It gave me goose bumps!"
It's nice to see that Tony Blair still has time to chat with people from reality TV shows and hand them all kinds of rubbishy trinkets when he really should probably be running the entire effing country. At this rate we're half-expecting gushing MPs to lobby to name the Isle Of Wight after Claire Buckfield when she invariably wins Dancing On Ice.
But Shilpa Shetty isn't the only Celebrity Big Brother housemate to receive all kinds of fancy invites. Just as soon as Jo O'Meara stops crying and rocking backwards and forwards she's welcome to visit Dagenham Working Man's Club for the full VIP Chicken In A Basket treatment, and even though Jade Goody has been banned from India, she's hoping to make a step into the Shilpa's Delight market with her own brand of pudding. True, it's going to be called That Racist Shouting Dickhead's Delight, but it's a start.

273-
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says ..
"Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day......"

274-
T. Bubba Bechtol, part time City Councilman from Midland , TX , was asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio but to thunderous applause from the audience.
"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say":
1. "Red is positive. "
2. "Black is negative. "

275-
A story about a Grasshopper and a squirrel.
THE REST OF THE WORLD VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE BRITISH VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London. In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrels food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards. A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK. The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats. The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister. The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom. The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds. THE END

276-
NEW BUMPER STICKERS FOR 07
1. Bush: End of an Error
2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
13. Whose God Do You Kill For?
14. Jail to the Chief
15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
17. Bad President! No Banana.
18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
20. Is It Vietnam Yet?
21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
24. Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
26. Pray For Impeachment
27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
29. One Nation Under Clod
30. 2004: Embarrassed 2005: Horrified 2006: Terrified
31. Bush Never Exhaled
32. At Least Nixon Resigned

277-
Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U.S.A involvement in Iraq, here's a sobering statistic:
There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths.
That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.
The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same period.
That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.
Conclusion: The U.S.A should pull out of Washington.

278-
It turns out the British troops could have been in Iranian waters after all.
The woman was map-reading.

279-
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.
Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications centre of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualise a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways.
Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.
This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins.
After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the centre of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins.
These men are usually referred to as..... "Mr. President."

280-
Best of the reported protest signs seen at the recent anti-war demonstration in Washington, DC:
"WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE HIM A BLOW JOB SO WE CAN HAVE HIM IMPEACHED?"

281-
A general practitioner and a nurse were on the train, going to a medical conference. Opposite them was a man furiously scratching his elbow.
"I wonder what's the matter with him?" said the nurse.
"He's a patient of mine," the doctor replied, "and, in confidence, I can tell you that he suffers badly from haemorrhoids."
"Well, why is he scratching there, then?"
"Oh, he's Ted Kennedy . He doesn't know his ass from his elbow."

282-
The Justice Department says the "vast majority" of the 1,147 unnamed persons incarcerated in the Sept. 11 investigation are still in custody. But the White House says "the overwhelming number" have been released.
If there's a mathematician among the readers, someone please determine what the "overwhelming number" subtracted from the "vast majority" equals. All I come up with is "total governmental bullshit."

283-
I wouldn't call Tony Blair two-faced. Even calling Tony B. Liar an emotionally-retarded spendthrift shit-headed grinning half-wit doesn't do it for me. Frankly, I'm at a loss. I mean, what do you call a politician who says one thing, implies a second, with a vastly different meaning, briefs [off the record, of course] that he actually means a third, has acolytes who imply to the Press that a fourth and even finer thing is intended, and yet manages to achieve a fifth thing - which is usually about one-fourteenth part of the square root of fuck all! Oh, just the second-greatest British Prime Minister of the Twenty-first Century! Even the Millipede chap can't be that bad!

284-
POSSIBLE TITLES FOR MONICA LEWINSKY'S NEW BOOK
1. I Suck At My Job
2. What Really Goes Down In The White House
3. How I Blew It In Washington
4. You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
5. Clear and Present Boner
6. Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
7. Going Back for Gore
8. Podium Girl
9. Secret Services to the President
10. Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
11. Deep Inside The Oval Office
12. The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
13. She's Chief of MY Staff!
14. Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
15. How To Beat Off the Government
16. Going Down and Moving Up
17. Members of the Presidential Cabinet
18. Me and My Big Mouth
19. How To Get Ahead in Business

285-
When thieves get caught stealing money, they go to jail. When politicians get caught, it's an honest mistake.

286-
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes.
"I was jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first.
"They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."
"Me? I came to work early." said the second.
"They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."
"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added the third. "They said this proved I had an American watch."

287-
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favourite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.
The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's a Senator from New York.

288-
The readers of the Sun newspaper are delighted with the newly-appointed [British] Home secretary, Jaqui Smith.
Not for her support of 'hanging and flogging', not for her enlightened views on Community Policing; no - they like her because she's got big tits.

289-
Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP)
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of July 1, 2007. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.
"We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA).
"We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices (Mumbai ,India) will assume the office of President as of July 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call centre," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem, as President Bush was not familiar with the issues either.
It is not yet clear if plans are being considered for outsourcing the Senate and the House of Representatives. This could seriously affect staffing efficiency at the Dell call centre. Special interests and lobbyists here are expected to seriously push back on any such efforts. It is thought that saving the hundreds of millions of dollars now spent annually on campaign financing could positively affect the U.S. economy.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years."
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.
He will not also be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc., to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical or successful work experience. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands, as well as his special smile.
If approved, most of the affected Congressional positions would probably revert to entry level Internet bloggers or on-call street activists. If nothing else, they may be offered jobs as reporters or TV commentators.

290-
NEWS HEADLINES.........
AS THE UK STARTS SMOKING BAN MUSLIM LIGHTS UP IN TERMINAL BUILDING OF GLASGOW AIRPORT

291-
'Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots oor Johnny walked one day
When he saw a sicht that troubled him far more that he could say
A fanatic muslim bastard wiz doin what he'd planned
And intae Glesca's departure hall a 4 by 4 he'd rammed.
A big Glaswegian bobby came forward tae assist. He thocht "a wumman driver" Or some wee ned half-pissed
But to his shock nae drunken Jock emerged to grasp his hand but a flamin Arab loony frae Al Qaeda's band
The mad Islamist nut-case had set hissel' on fire and swung oot at the polis man GBH his clear desire
Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried and sallied tae the fray A left hook and a heid butt required tae save the day.
Now listen up Bin Laden yir sort's nae wanted here for imported English radicals us Scoatsman huv nae fear
Oor hame grown Glesca Asians will have nae bluidy truck so tak yer worldwide jihad an get yersel tae fuck.

292-
The suicide bomber who was on fire up in Scotland is making a good recovery.
He's eating haggis and reciting poetry.....he's in the Burns unit!

293
So, what were the last words in office of the former UK Prime Minister, now - bizarrely - an 'Envoy to the Middle East'?
Well, we can be sure that the former MP for Sedgefield's last words in office, despite the recent weather in the UK [and in China], were not "Après moi, le deluge"!
And, even if they had been exactly that - who would have believed Tony B. Liar?

294-
A car bomb has been found outside a Mosque in London.
Scotland Yard have stated that the public have nothing to worry about as they've managed to push it inside.

295-
One of the Glasgow terror suspects has died from his injuries.
His condition has been described as satisfactory.

296-
What's the three main job requirements for a British Prime Minister?
1.Be able to read.
2.Be able to write.
3.Be an arsehole.

What about an American President?
Just number three.

297-
Council tax revaluers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.
That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas. We have a huge council house in our street.
The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.
Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet. All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay. Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control. ..........
Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle ?

298-

299-
What's the difference between Smarties and Muslim Extremists?
Smarties don't melt in the tube.

300-
How to save the airlines ...
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
Strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely, Bill Clinton

301-
Apparently global warming will eventually kill over 6 million Asians
On a more serious note, my snowman has just melted!

302-
Q. How does a politician commit suicide?
A. By falling from his ego to his IQ.

303-
I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Samaritans hotline number. I was put through to a 'call centre' in Pakistan and explained that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an aeroplane....

304-
A man pulled into a garage in Northern Ireland and asked for a gallon of petrol. The man behind the counter told the driver that this wasn't a proper garage it was a front for the IRA.
The driver asked the man if he could have a can of oil and the man told him again that this wasn't a proper garage it was a front for the IRA.
The man said OK then, can you blow my tyres up.

305-
200 Arabs have been killed on their way to Mecca.
I fucking love bingo!

306-
An incident occurred in a supermarket recently, when the following was witnessed: A Muslim woman dressed in a Burkha (a black gown & face mask), was standing with her shopping in a queue at the checkout. When it was her turn to be served, as she reached the cashier, she made a loud remark about the 'British Flag' lapel pin, which the female cashier was wearing on her blouse.
The cashier reached up and touched the pin and said, "Yes, I always wear it proudly. My son serves abroad in the British Forces and I wear it for him".
The Muslim woman then asked the cashier when she was going to stop bombing and killing her countrymen, explaining that she was Iraqi.
At that point, a gentleman standing in the queue stepped forward, and interrupted with a calm and gentle voice, and said to the Iraqi woman: "Excuse me. Hundreds of thousands of men and women, just like this ladies son, have fought and sacrificed their lives so that people just like YOU can stand here, in Britain, which is MY country and allowing you to blatantly accuse an innocent check-out cashier of bombing YOUR countrymen". "It is my belief that if you were allowed to be as outspoken as that in Iraq, which you claim to be YOUR country, then we wouldn't need to be fighting there today". "However - now that you have learned how to speak out and criticise the British people that have afforded you the protection of MY country, I will gladly pay the cost of a ticket to help you pay your way back to Iraq". "Finally, when you get there, if you manage to survive for being as outspoken as you are being here in Britain, then you should be able to help straighten out the mess which YOUR Iraqi countrymen have got you into in the first place...which appears to be the reason that you have come to MY country to avoid."
Apparently the queue cheered and applauded.
IF YOU AGREE... Pass this on to all of your proud British friends..

307-
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politician?'
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

308-
SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL - QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia . You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.
Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humour?)

309-
News reported today that the Taliban are using sheep to detect mines. They send them into a field and if they're blown up, they have dinner. If they make it through alive, they have a date.
Works perfectly.

310-
There has been a new suspected terrorist attack. Two muslims were seen driving a van into Keilder Reservoir.
Police believe it's a suspected Ramadam

311-
You Might Be A Taliban If...
...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
...You have more wives than teeth.
...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.
...You've ever had your camel repossessed.
...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
...You've ever been asked, "Does this burka make my arse look too big?"
...You've felt the urge to "rub her out" after seeing a woman's exposed ankle.
...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
...You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
...You wipe your arse with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
...You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.
...You've always had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

312-
Thought you might be interested in this forgotten bit of information..........
It was 1987, Lt.Col. Oliver North testifying at the Iran-Contra hearings during the Reagan Administration.
There was Ollie in front of God and country getting the third degree, but what he said was stunning!
He was being drilled by a senator; "Did you not recently spend close to $60,000 for a home security system?"
Ollie replied, "Yes, I did, Sir."
The senator continued, trying to get a laugh out of the audience, "Isn't that just a little excessive?"
"No, sir," continued Ollie.
"No? And why not?" the senator asked.
"Because the lives of my family and I were threatened, sir."
"Threatened? By whom?" the senator questioned.
"By a terrorist, sir" Ollie answered.
"Terrorist? What terrorist could possibly scare you that much?"
"His name is Osama bin Laden, sir" Ollie replied.
At this point the senator tried to repeat the name, but couldn't pronounce it, which most people back then probably couldn't. A couple of people laughed at the attempt. Then the senator continued. Why are you so afraid of this man?" the senator asked.
"Because, sir, he is the most evil person alive that I know of", Ollie answered.
"And what do you recommend we do about him?" asked the senator.
"Well, sir, if it was up to me, I would recommend that an assassin team be formed to eliminate him and his men from the face of the earth." The senator disagreed with this approach.
The senator was Al Gore!

Also:
Terrorist pilot Mohammad Atta blew up a bus in Israel in 1986. The Israelis captured, tried and imprisoned him. As part of the Oslo agreement with the Palestinians in 1993, Israel had to agree to release so-called "political prisoners."
However, the Israelis would not release any with blood on their hands. The American President at the time, Bill Clinton, and his Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, "insisted" that all prisoners be released.
Thus Mohammad Atta was freed and eventually thanked the US by flying an airplane into Tower One of the World Trade Centre. This was reported by many of the American TV networks at the time that the terrorists were first identified.
This was censored in the US from all later reports.

313-
I ordered a Blow-Up Doll from Ebay and this is what I got.

314-
On his way back from China, Tony stopped in Australia... While on his morning walk, Ex British Prime Minister Tony Blair falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency ward at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Blair. "I'm sorry ... But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down...all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22°C. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. All of the Labour Party leaders were there ... everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Blair with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Tony!" "Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Blair, dejectedly. "This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!" Blair takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.
They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Blair steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Blair is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or smart-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity." With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Blair reflects for a minute ... then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, kind of like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Blair and puts an arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked Tony, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us..!"

315-
Hillary Clinton
"Well, the big story... Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed." -- Jay Leno
"Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it." -- Conan O'Brien
"Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton. When he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank." -- Jay Leno
"Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale .'" -- Jay Leno
A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine." -- Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton 's former business partners can vote for her in 2008." -- Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton's 506 page memoirs have come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you too, will want to sleep with an intern." -- Craig Kilborn
"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts." -- Jay Leno
"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington . People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." -- Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." -- Craig Kilborn
"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America . Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." -- Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York . When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible... the one with only seven commandments." -- David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else." -- Jay Leno

316-
I'm the DJ at HM Revenue & Customs Xmas party this year.
I wonder if my records will be safe

317-
A muslim suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise. Once in paradise, he finds himself surrounded by 72 of the ugliest mingers anyone has ever laid eyes upon. A bemused Allah then says to him: "Why do you think they're still virgins?"

318-
Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in up state New York .
She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping h er "red sisters and brothers."
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

319-
START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Create a new file folder on your computer
2. Name it "Gordon Brown"
3. Drag it to the recycle bin.
4. Empty the recycle bin.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Gordon Brown?"
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better instantly.
Next week we'll do George Bush
Sometimes it's the simple things that mean the most!

320-
In retaliation against the Sudanese Government, I have re-named my penis Mohammed.
Tonight as a special protest, I will be giving him 40 strokes.

321-
HERE IS THE PLAN Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
Let those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
In three generations, there will be no Democrats !!!
Damn -- I love it when a plan comes together!

322-
Dear Dr. Ruth....
"I recently purchased a Teddy Bear for £100.00.
I named it Mohammed and then sold it for £200.00.
My question is: 'Have I made a Prophet'?"

323-
YOU WILL FIND THE SECRET SERVICE VIEWS ON THE PERSONALITIES OF PAST PRESIDENTS TO BE QUITE INTERESTING.
For those who don't know... Capt. Denny Keast flies for UAL and flew many SAM's (Special Air Mission's) for the White House.
I flew four Presidential support missions in the C-141 out of Dover AFB, DE.. Two for President Johnson and two for President Nixon.
Johnson was a first class jerk and on the two occasions I flew for him, if the Secret Service and their Liaison in the Pentagon hadn't intervened, we would have had to stay on the airplane for hours while he, (Johnson) was off somewhere. Nixon never required that and the four (4) stops we made with him he was cordial to the Secret Service and to me and my crew.
We had a neighbor when I lived in DC, who was part of the secret service presidential detail for many years. His stories of Kennedy and Johnson were the same as those I heard from the guys who flew the presidents' plane. Yes, Kennedy did have Marilyn Monroe flown in for secret "dates," and LBJ was a typical Texas "good ole boy" womanizer. Nixon, Bush 41, and Carter never cheated on their wives. Clinton cheated, but couldn't match Kennedy or LBJ in style or variety.
The information below is accurate: The elder Bush and current president Bush make it a point to thank and take care of the air crews who fly them around. When the president flies, there are several planes that also go, one carries the armored limo, another the security detail, plus usually a press aircraft.
Both Bushes made it a point to stay home on holidays, so the Air Force and security people could have a day with their families.
Hillary Clinton was arrogant and orally abusive to her security detail. She forbade her daughter, Chelsea, from exchanging pleasantries with them. Sometimes Chelsea, miffed at her mother's obvious conceit and mean spiritedness, ignored her demands and exchanged pleasantries regardless, but never in her mother's presence. Chelsea really was a nice, kindhearted, and lovely young lady. The consensus opinion was that Chelsea loved her Mom but did not like her. Hillary Clinton was continuously rude and abrasive to those who were charged to protect her life. Her security detail dutifully did their job, as professionals should, but they all loathed her and wanted to be on a different detail. Hillary Clinton was despised by the Secret Service as a whole. Former President Bill Clinton was much more amiable than his wife. Often the Secret Service would cringe at the verbal attacks Hillary would use against her husband. They were embarrassed for his sake by the manner and frequency in which she verbally insulted him, sometimes in the presence of the Secret Service, and sometimes behind closed doors. Even behind closed doors Hillary Clinton would scream and holler so loudly that everyone could hear what she was saying. Many felt sorry for President Clinton and most wondered why he tolerated it instead of just divorcing his "attack dog" wife. It was crystal clear that the Clintons neither liked nor respected each other and this was true long before the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Theirs was /is genuinely a "marriage of convenience."
Chelsea was much closer to her father than her mother, even after the Lewinsky scandal, which hurt her gravely. Bill Clinton did in fact have charisma, and occasionally would smile at or shake hands with his security detail. Still, he always displayed an obvious air of superiority towards them. His security detail uniformly believed him to be disingenuous, false, and that he did nothing without a motive that in some way would enhance his image and political career. He was polite, but not kind. They did not particularly like him and nobody trusted him.
Al Gore was the male version of Hillary Clinton. They were friendlier toward each other than either of them were towards former President Clinton. They were not intimate, so please don't read that in. They were very close in a political way. Tipper Gore was generally nice and pleasant. She initially liked Hilly but soon after the election she had her "pegged" and no longer liked her or associated with her except for events that were politically obligatory. Al Gore was far more left wing than Bill Clinton. Al Gore resented Bill Clinton and thought he was too "centrist." He despised all Republicans. His hatred was bitter and this was long before he announced for the Presidency. This hatred was something that he and Hillary had in common. They often said as much, even in the presence of their security detail. Neither of them trusted Bill Clinton and, the Secret Service opined, neither of them even liked him. Bill Clinton did have some good qualities, whereas Al Gore and Hillary had none, in the view of their security details. Al Gore, like Hillary, was very rude and arrogant toward his security detail. He was extremely unappreciative and would not hesitate to scold them in the presence of their peers for minor details over which they had no control. Al Gore also looked down on them, as they finally observed and learned with certainty on one occasion. Al got angry at his offspring and pointed at his security detail and said, "Do you want to grow up and be like them?" Word of this insult by the former Vice-President quickly spread and he became as disliked by the Secret Service as Hillary. Most of them prayed Al Gore would not be elected President, and they really did have private celebrations in a few of their homes after President Bush won. This was not necessarily to celebrate President Bush's election, but to celebrate Al Gore's defeat.
Everyone in the Secret Service wants to be on First Lady Laura Bush's detail. Without exception, they concede that she is perhaps the nicest and most kind person they have ever had the privilege of serving. Where Hillary patently refused to all ow her picture to be taken with her security detail, Laura Bush doesn't even have to be asked, she offers. She doesn't just shake their hand and say, "Thank you." Very often, she will give members of her detail a kindhearted hug to express her appreciation. There is nothing false about her. This is her genuine nature. Her security detail considers her to be a "breath of fresh air." They joke that comparing Laura Bush with Hillary Clinton is like comparing "Mother Teresa" with the "Wicked Witch of the West."
Likewise, the Secret Service considers President Bush to be a gem of a man to work for. He always treats them with genuine respect and he always trusts and listens to their expert advice. They really like the Crawford, Texas detail. Every time the president goes to Crawford he has a Bar-B-Q for his security detail and he helps serve their meals. He sits with them, eats with them, and talks with them.. He knows each of them by their first name, and calls them by their first name as a show of affection. He always asks about their family, the names of which he always remembers. They believe that he is deeply and genuinely appreciative of their service. They could not like, love, or respect anyone more than President Bush. Most of them did not know they would feel this way, until they had an opportunity to work for him and learn that his manner was genuine and consistent. It has never changed since he began his Presidency. He always treats them with the utmost respect, kindness, and compassion.

324-
"Letter to Thomas Jefferson"
The Court of King George III London, England
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement.
The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God. "What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.
3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at least 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade - off considerations?
6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost- effective are your strategies?
8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.
10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long- range prospects of your undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.
Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown

325-
In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!
Quickly I jumped up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver license photo and it was that same color. Black.
I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!!
That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!!
I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled.'
'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me
I turn around, and it's my Boyfriend.
Just what I needed!!!
I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.
Oh, my God..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!
Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and OH, noooooo... I'm Bald!!!
The telephone rings. It's my brother.
He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap... Any job.'
Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!
I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan.
But he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up.
It's then I realize I only have one hand!!!
With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker?
Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV- positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.
At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'Sweetiepie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going to vote for in the Primary? OBAMA, HILLARY OR THE BRECK BOY ??????
Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a Pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a DEMOCRAT....

326-
A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past. "My, what was that?" exclaimed the woman. "Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.

327-
A Brief Review of World History - As it Really Happened
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to irritate them.

328-
Dozens of candidates and their staff members had flown into town to address the veterans' convention when a woman called the local police dept. and complained, "There's a Democrat standing by his open hotel window masturbating." The desk sergeant said, "We'll send somebody over. But how do you know he's a Democrat?" The woman replied, "If he were a Republican, he'd be out screwing somebody."

329-
Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, "Bill, I have a great idea! I know how we can win back middle America and secure my presidential victory in 2008."
"Great, but how do you propose we go about that," asked Bill?
"Well," Hillary responded, "we'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador."
"When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in middle America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the Countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there".
A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for.
With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They stepped up to the bar, the Bartender took a step back and said, " aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton ?"
Hillary answered, "yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local color."
Then they ordered a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out the door. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and then left the bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over. "Tell me" said Hillary, "why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?"
"Good Lord no," said the bartender. "Its just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador here in the bar with two assholes!."

330-
(In the White House Situation Room...)
And so, in the horrific aftermath of the barbaric World Trade Center bombing, begins the greatest, most extensive manhunt in the history of the planet...
PRESIDENT: (resolute, drumming fingers) I don't care what it takes. We've got to find this guy
POWELL: Relax, Mr. President. We've got our best and brightest working on it. There's nowhere he can hide.
And so, deep in a cave somewhere in Afghanistan...)
FIRST TERRORIST: (hand on bin Laden's knee) Relax, Osama. You have covered your tracks expertly. There is no way the infidels will find you.
BIN LADEN: (slapping the hand away) Yes, it is true. It is true...
(Cell phone begins ringing)
FIRST TERRORIST: (surprised) What in the name of... (he answers it) Hello..? (hears a click, then voices, someone gets on the line) What...? Who....? (astonished, hands phone to Bin Laden) It is for you, Great One.
BIN LADEN: (confused) Hello...?
VOICE ON PHONE: Osama, how are you today, sir?
BIN LADEN: (angrily) Who in the name of the Evil One is this?
VOICE ON PHONE: (smoothly) Sir, I represent Sandusky Home Improvement, Inc. Mr. Bin Laden, wouldn't you agree that your bunker would look better and last longer in clean, durable, carefree aluminum siding?
BIN LADEN: Aaaarrgghh! Go away!! (He slams the phone down) (Cell phone rings again)
FIRST TERRORIST: (fearful) Do not answer it, Great One.
BIN LADEN: (grabs the phone angrily) Hello?!!
VOICE ON PHONE: Mr. Bin Laden?
BIN LADEN: (furious) Who in the name of Satan is this?
VOICE ON PHONE: Good evening, Sir. This is Bambi for Quest, formerly US West. We're contacting our best customers to tell them about our new, economical package of communications services, including call forwarding, call waiting, caller ID, telemarketing protection...
BIN LADEN: (He slams phone on the ground.) Spawn of a thousand demon camels! (A second terrorist walks in, shuffling through a pile of letters)
SECOND TERRORIST: (amazed) Look, Great One. Hundreds of VISA card solicitations, many with extensive credit lines and low, low introductory rates!
BIN LADEN: (astonished) Who on earth has delivered these?
SECOND TERRORIST: A man in blue shorts and a white shirt... driving a small red, white and blue truck.
FIRST TERRORIST: (horrified) Ayeeeeeeee!
BIN LADEN: The U. S. Postal Service?? We must HIDE!!!!!!! (They flee)
(Meanwhile, back in the White House Situation Room...)
PRESIDENT: How's our "budget friendly" phase of "Enduring Freedom" going?
POWELL: Everything's proceeding according to plan. The harpies have his number and are in the process of harrying him to death.
BUSH: What shall we sign him up for next?
POWELL: We've just sent $10.00 donations in to the Sierra Club and Habitat for Humanity. Next we're going to sic Publisher's Clearing House on him, and then sign him up for a subscription to Watchtower.
PRESIDENT: (slapping his thigh) Good! Good! Before long, he'll be begging for mercy.... now, where did I put the "add your friends" number for Miss Cleo's Psychic Line?

331-
This following poem is composed entirely of actual quotes from George W. Bush.

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!

332-
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favour of higher taxes to support more government programmes, in other words redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had partici pat ed in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harboured an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programmes. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she 's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."
If only it was that easy......

333-
The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

334-
My name be Eboneesha Li Herenandez, an African Hispanic Asiatic-American Girl who just got an award For being the best speler in class.
I got 67% on the speling test and 30 points for being black, 5 points for not bringing drugs into class, 5 points for not bringing guns into class, and 5 points for not getting pregnut during the cemester. It be hard to beat a score of 120%..
The white dude who sit next to me is McGee from Ocala. He got A 94% on the test but no extra points on account of he have the same skin color as the opressirs of 150 years ago.
Granny axd me to thank all the Dimocrafts and Liberals for suporting A fermative action. You be showing da way to true equality. I be gittin in medical skool nex an mabee I be yo doctor when Hillory take over da healtcare in dis cuntry

335-
Laura Bush: "We have the weekend free darling, what would you like to do?"
George Bush: "I'm not sure. Let's think..."
Laura Bush: "No, let's do something that you can do too."

336-
Terminal 5 News From the Retail Gazette: A brand new state-of-the-art shopping centre has opened in west London. Situated at an erstwhile international crossroads, the centre opened its doors - and some of its lifts and escalators - to prospective shoppers in a blaze of publicity. Hundreds of shopkeepers and restaurateurs braced themselves for a massive influx of retail fans eager to experience the architecturally-enhanced designer-laden shopping opportunities that the centre was keen to offer.
The celebrations were cut short, however, by the appearance of a vast flash mob of besuited business travellers and so-called holidaymakers wielding heavily-laden suitcases. Uninterested in availing themselves of architecturally-enhanced shopping experiences, the masses lined-up their baggage trolleys and formed themselves into queues, chanting their mantra: "Check-it-in, check-it-in".
Faced with such a lack of spending customers, shop staff left their handbag displays and pyramids of faux tins of cheap imitation Scottish shortbread to go in search of them. Their route was barred, however, by a huge backlog of fluorescent jacket-wearing baggage handlers queuing to get through a single security control point.
Shopping Centre manager Mr I. N. Visibleman said "I have no comment, as I'm not here". Chief Sales Director Mr Y. R. Wewaiting said "I am delighted that so many paying customers have decided to make use of our architecturally-enhanced shopping facility today, and to spend so much time and money with us. It has been such a success that we are considering adding extra benefits for our longest-suffering shoppers, such as beds and planes."
The shopping centre is thought to be in line for an award - the Hounslow Market Traders Most Innovative Stall Award, together with a special commendation for its see-through canopy and see-through sales figures. Senior management are looking forward to visiting Buckingham Palace Road job centre with their P45s. Normal service is expected to be achieved some time in 2011.

337-
What's the difference between a western girl and a arab girl ?
The western girl gets stoned before she commits adultery.

338-
How spin works
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:
'Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'
And THAT is how it's done folks!

339-
The British Solution to Save Petrol
Brown wants us to cut the amount of petrol we use......
The best way to stop using so much petrol is to deport 3 million illegal immigrants!
That would be 3 million less people using our petrol. The price of petrol would come down.....
Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Channel...
When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Channel, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq .... Tell him if he wants to come to Britain then he must serve a tour in the military.... Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.....
After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.... He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident..... .
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.. .
If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo...... Problem solved......

340-
Politicians talk to the country the way men talk to women. They say, "Trust me; go all the way with me, and everything will be all right."
And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble.

341-
A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."
The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.
Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence..... and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified......
so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out..... "Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"

342-
An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
The English doctor, not to be outdone, said "That's nothing! We took an arsehole out of Scotland; put him in 10 Downing Street and the next day, half the country was looking for work".

343-
One of the Glasgow bombers, Singed Majeep, is complaining that all he gets in hospital to eat is haggis, neeps and tatties.
What the heck does he expect in the Burns unit?

344-
Laura Bush bought Dubya a parrot for his birthday.
She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to mispronounce over 200 words!"
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that he just says the words. He doesn't understand what they mean."
"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."

345-
During the National Spelling Bee recently in the nation's capital, Islamic spectators became outraged upon discovering that the USA was embedded in the middle of Jerusalem, Israel's holiest city. The revelation was made by Douglas Levin, an eighth grader at the Joseph Lieberman Day School in Rockville Center, MD. When young Levin was asked to spell the word Jerusalem, he replied, "J E R- USA - L E M."
An audible gasp sounded from Muslim onlookers, who realized, for the first time, a USA presence in the holy city. Muslim parents immediately protested the spelling contest, citing American bias toward Israel.
"It's a clear violation of church and state," said Mohammed Ahlee, lobbyist for the Arab group Holy Shiite.
Bee officials quickly denied any wrongdoing, asserting that the Muslims were merely disgruntled because Rajeed Raheed, a seventh grader from Al Kaydah Junior High, had been eliminated earlier for misspelling Afghanistan as Afghanustan.
"There is no 'A-N-U-S' in the middle of Afghanistan," said one bee official, "unless you believe bin Laden is still hiding there."

346-
6.00: G-Had TV. Morning prayers.
8.30: Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Eh-oh". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.
9.00: Shouts of Praise. More prayers.
11.00: Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
12.00: Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.
12.30: Panoramadan. The programme reports on America's attempts to take over the world.
13.30: Xena. Modestly dressed housewife Xena stays at home and does some cooking.
14.00: Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.
14.30: Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.
15.00: Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. 'Starter for ten, no praying.'
15.30: I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.
16.00: Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.
17.00: Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.
17.30: Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.
18.00: Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30: Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No. 1 for the 63,728th week running?
19.00: Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?
20.00: FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.
21.30: Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?
22.30: Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.
23.30: They think it's Allah over. Quiz culminating in the 'Don't feel the Mullah' round.
Midnight: When Imams Attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.
00:.30: The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.
01.30: Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.
02.00: A book at bedtime. The Koran. Again.

347-
Strike back at Islam.
Run into your local mosque with 20 pounds of pork sausages strapped to your chest.

348-
Hillary Clinton says she's the most qualified to become President because she was married to a president for eight years. Now let me ask you, if a brain surgeon quit his job, would everyone in the operating room say, "Wait, let's get his wife."

349-
In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
Martin Harwood, Bradford.

350-
19th Century

* 1812-1814: America invades Canada while Britain burns Washington to the mud. Americans find no oil in Canada and retreat. Canadians seize the moment by ambushing the American pricks and pounding the crap out of them. The Americans retaliate by destroying all the crumpets in Canada, pretty much starving them to a slow death. British launch assault on New Orleans. British surrender after realising that nobody cares about New Orleans, unfortunately for the Americans however, this victory meant nothing as the war was over, and the British were simply marching towards them to tell them they were going home. The Americans cried "they're coming' right for us!", and opened fire on the unarmed and bewildered British soldiers and children, and thus Andrew Jackson became an American hero. He also recognized by being put on the $20 bill, where he remains to this day.

* 1846-1848: Thinking that Texas oil somehow extended farther west than it really did, American troops generously relieve Santa Ana of the shitholes of California, Colorado, Nevada, New Mexico and Arizona. Not only did the Americans fail to find any oil in these newly "won" territories, they were actually dumb enough to pay money to the Mexicans for all that wasteland.
* Indian Wars: (See Manifest Destiny) Several raids are led against Indian women and babies and the US troops achieve some victories, but fail to liquidate all. Nevertheless, some successful slaughters will lead them to believe that they are mighty and courageous warriors. The only major loss for the Americans during this war was a battle between Crazy Horse and the US's General Custard, who couldn't run because of a stomach cramp due to eating a large quantity of pastries filled with - you guessed it- custard.
* 1861-1865: Americans win an impressive victory against themselves, but it took a while. It kinda sucked because either way they would lose, but on the bright side, either way they would win.
* 1898: The Spanish perform a master coup and get rid of Cuba, Puerto-Rico and the Philippines at the expense of the Americans, leaving the USA with the impression that they won the war. Soon the US discover that there is no oil there, and that their new possessions are a waste basket more than anything else.

20th Century

* 1918: The Americans arrive just in time to help carry General Melchett's feathery hat into Berlin.
* 1941-1945: Again, America turned up just in time to congratulate themselves for being on the winning side. America also helped spread syphilis throughout Europe.
* 1950-1953: Well.... They don't call the Korean War the 'Forgotten War' for nothing!
* 1961: Cuban exiles send guinea pigs to Cuba to try and reclaim their land and topple Castro. Due to intense heat on the way to the beach, many of these brave troops die on the way and when the landing craft opened up, most of the poor buggers drowned as they tried in vain to swim. The rest of them are eaten by the Stalin bear, recently shipped over in preparation to be given a missile launcher upgrade. A true shame.
* 1963-1973: Americans suffer cruelly from the lack of AC, and marijuana of a poor quality in Vietnam. The American army manages to defeat the anti-war movement in every major battle but is eventually defeated by a coalition of dirty hippies, college professors and liberals. Despite grass roots support from the Vietnamese populace the US surrenders leading to the fall of the United States and the rise of the Antichrist
* 1983: The combined air force, navy and ground troops apply an audacious plan and succeed to beat a bunch of Cuban workers armed with shovels in Grenada. 5000 Decorations awarded.
* 1991: Americans align more soldiers than the French or the British and succeed to crush an army of barefoot Shi'ite drafted against their will. The Daguet division leads the charge while American soldiers console themselves in taking prisoners that the TV crews did not want.

21st Century

* 2001 : Americans invade Afghanistan, and with the help of the special forces of most of Europe, the Taliban are raped and fall back to the mountains. The Afghanistan's are over the moon, as freedom and 'democracy take hold as never before.
* Depressing note : As of 2006, the Taliban are, confusingly enough, back. This has mainly thought to be result of the fact that instead of actually fighting said enemies after early 2002, it was generally agreed by the parties involved that "the cheeky buggers got the picture", which has now been discovered to have been a "schoolboy error of the highest".
* 2003 : Americans repeat 1991, and align an even larger army and succeed yet again. Shi'ite defenders now have shoes, but still no tanks, and still can't be bothered with the whole war thing. Colonel McDonald's division successfully captures Saddam Insane, the leader of Iraq (and coincidently - owner of large oil reserves). The only enemies of the US still in Iraq are a bunch of depressed men who want the US to leave as quickly as possible. They blow up a bunch of stuff, which has the opposite effect, causing the US to stay even longer.
* Another Positive note : Anbar province is revolting against al Qaeda, and similar movements are occurring throughout the country. However, now, they hate the US even more, since the original reason is now gone, they want more shoes.

22nd Century predictions please .....

351-
Pythagoras' theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911 words

352-
Is Barack Obama the first Black Man to beat a White Woman and not serve time for it?

353-
Petrol tanker drivers have gone on strike, saying they want more money for the danger of driving about with thousands of gallons of highly explosive liquid attached to their backs.
A Shell spokesman said; "There are thousands of muslims out there who would kill for a job like that!"

354-
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in The North Sea
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Westminster!

355-
If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT!
This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various big corporations which depend on subsidies to stay in business.
This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided corporate welfare the IRS helps mastermind.... It's a Ponzi scheme.
These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!

356-
I live in a mainly Muslim community and I'm really fed up with the politically correct bollocks around here.
My local pub had to change its name from The Flying Pig, nobody speaks English in any shop you go in and you can barely cook a bacon sarnie without upsetting some Pakistani or another!
So I was so happy to see my local swimming pool fighting back, and ruining their fun for a change. It had big sign on the wall stating:
STRICTLY NO BOMBING

357-
I've just won the jackpot in the Zimbabwe lottery.
They tell me if I hurry I'll have enough money to buy next weeks ticket.

358-
Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am at a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals, Basingstoke, has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?
How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?
You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!
I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...
Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

359-
****Win A Council House****
Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of 'ASYLUM'.
Today's programme features another chance to take part in our exciting competition: Hijack an airliner and win a council house!
We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor the British Taxpayer. And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British passport, and you only need one word of English: 'ASYLUM'!.
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.
No application ever refused reasonable or unreasonable.
All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password: 'ASYLUM'.
Few years ago 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.
They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain .
Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area In Historic Bedfordshire.
If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience, just apply for legal aid.
Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help.
It won't cost you a penny, so play today; it could change your life forever.
Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas... COME ON DOWN!
Get along to the airport, get along to the lorry park, get along to the ferry terminal.
Don't stop in Germany or France .
Go straight to Britain and you are guaranteed to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on earth.
Everyone's a winner, when they play 'ASYLUM'

360-
New Telephone Greeting:
Wouldn't it be amazing, if this caught on, all over the country...?
'GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED KINGDOM '
'Press '1' if you speak English.'
'Press ''2'' to disconnect until you can''

361-
George Bush is visiting Algeria. As part of his programme, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people.
"You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never any good at Algebra..."

362-
Haven't heard it put this way before, but it's a great analogy.
I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back deck and filled it with seed.. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards in the eaves, above the table, and next to the barbecue.. Then came the shit... It was everywhere: on the patio tiles, the chairs, the paths, the table... everywhere!
Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.. And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even sit in my own back garden anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ....... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.
Now let's see..... our government gives out free food, subsidised housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.
Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 3 hours to be seen by an emergency clinic doctor; your child's class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.
Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than the national flag are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.
Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder. If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the shit!

363-
Political correctness gone mad!
I'm advertising for a new job at my company and so in the advert I politely put "Muslims and Jews need not apply." Muslims are generally cool about it, Jews don't care - it's just those fuckers from the council who are round straight away threatening me with a court summons for active racial discrimination.
Stupid, dopey bastards. I'm a pork butcher, for fuck's sake.

364-
Shhhhhh!!.......
Don't tell anyone...... I'm gonna go down on you....
...And you're gonna love it...........
........But it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it........
....Then I'm gonna come back up again and fuck you big time.....
Lots of love,
Petrol prices xx

365-
This person needs a job. This individual seeks an executive position. He will be available in January 2009, and is willing to relocate.
RESUME GEORGE W. BUSH 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20520

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement: I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.
Military: I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
College: I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U. S. Congress and lost.
I began my career in the oil business in Midland Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States, after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I am the first President in U. S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
I spent the U. S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U. S. Treasury.
I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U. S. history.
I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U. S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues.
I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U. S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U. S. President.
I am the all-time U. S. and world record -holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U. S. history, Enron.
My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U. S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U. S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U. S. history.
I changed the U. S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U. S. history.
I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States Government.
I've broken more international treaties than any President in U. S. history.
I am the first President in U. S. history to have the United Nations remove the U. S. from the Human Rights Commission.
I withdrew the U. S. from the World Court of Law.
I refused to allow inspector's access to U. S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US election).
I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U. S. history.
I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U. S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U. S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
I am the first President in U. S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U. S. Citizens and the world community.
I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review. I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years.

366-
WIN A COUNCIL HOUSE
This is a new show called 'Asylum.'
Today's programme features another chance to take part in our exciting competition: Hijack an airliner and win a council house! We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor the British Taxpayer. And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British passport, and you only need one word of English: 'ASYLUM'!.
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.
No application ever refused reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password: 'ASYLUM'.
Only this week 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel. They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain
Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area In Historic Bedfordshire.
If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience, just apply for legal aid. Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help. It won't cost you a penny, so play today; it could change your life forever.
Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...COME ON DOWN!
Get along to the airport, get along to the lorry park, get along to the ferry terminal. Don't stop in Germany or France, Go straight to Britain and you are guaranteed to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on earth.
Everyone's a winner, when they play 'ASYLUM'.
FORWARD THIS TO EVERY BRITISH TAX PAYER YOU KNOW!

367-
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: ' Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.

368-
The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.
After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P. M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.
Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.
That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, "Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating."
The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, "Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?"
Obama replied, "Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice!"

369-
Quality Assured Tricycling, or Progress Realised by Incentivisation, Collectivization and Knowledge.
For what reason, I have not heard, but there was to be a Grand Match, between Britain and Germany, at tricycling. The Germans, the home team, had silver tricycles; the British were resplendent in an All-British, clan-inspired Gordon Brown.
The Grand Match went to the very last second, each side leading several times in each third, and finished in an exhilarating, but utterly draining, draw.
The Germans won the penalty trike-out.
The British had to concede defeat, but, sportingly, they agreed to meet the Germans again, for another Grand Match of tricycling, the very next year, this time in Britain.
The British team management decided that they had to take this matter seriously, so they analysed the first Grand Match.
They discovered that the German team had trained hard, and had had incentives.
They also discovered that a new EU regulation meant that members of Tricycling organisations not registered by the previous Friday had to use stabilisers on their back wheels.
The English Management team decided that, to further incentivise the team, after the care for their welfare and safety evinced by the EU, there would be drinks every Friday, and the one who had trained hardest that week would pay for the first round of drinks. None of these sportsmen were heavy drinkers, so it soon happened that that was the only round of drinks bought that day.
Surprisingly, the incentive seemed to inhibit some of the more intelligent sportsmen from training regularly, so Management decided that there needed to be greater incentives, and, within a month, on Saturdays, the one who had trained second hardest, for the last two weeks, would pay for, initially, the first two rounds.
At this stage, a small number of sportsmen proved unable to attend some training sessions during the week – various tweaks, strains, and back-pains were diagnosed – but they still struggled in, manfully*, to attend on Friday and Saturday evenings.
In a panic move – even before the results of the latest incentivisation were fully documented and clear - British Management decided that they would incentivise those with a poor attendance record, so they would attend more often. This was actually announced as a reward for the considerable progress made by the Tricycling Team. There was to be pay for living between training sessions, a little extra pay for going training, and some more pay if they did this whilst a doctor thought that it might be difficult, due to depression, say, or their goldfish having developed a slight cough.
Additionally, there was to be a bonus if they could get their offspring involved in tricycling. Several promptly brought sons and daughters along on Friday and Saturday; Management decided that it would be unethical to discriminate between those who attended on different days of the week [the original Ethical Paying Policy], so all the offspring were given full Tricycling Team salaries, plus appropriate bonuses, new-joiner status, tie in Gordon Brown, etc.
The Tricycling press, to a person, reprinted the Management’s press-release, which spoke of ‘Great Strides’; ‘Abolishing Doom and Dust’, and ‘Triangulation, Triangulation, Triangulation’.
It soon became necessary for the hardest trainer, and the second hardest trainer, to pay for several rounds on ‘their’ evenings, and then, to Management’s very public surprise, for every round consumed on those nights.
By this stage, some of the Team were managing to make Friday night last into Saturday evening. A few hardy souls made Saturday night last until about Thursday, but with no obvious cost to themselves or their families. As regular and frequent attendees, they merited serially enhanced bonuses, of course.
About this stage, The British Tricycling Board of Control’s Management ‘Support Squad’ had to decide where to host the Grand Match with Germany. In a laudable effort to spread the glorious sport of Tricycling to new areas, it was decided to hold the Grand Match in Cumbernauld. There, although nobody had tricycled in living memory, there was a stadium that would do – indeed it would probably favour the fitter German team, as it was at the upper limit of the size permitted. The BTBC could not be seen to be favouring the home side; that would be against most interpretations of EU legislation, although, for some reason, only if the Grand Match was held in Britain.
As soon as it was announced that Cumbernauld would host the Grand Match, press and TV coverage of Tricycling – the sport, the social pastime, and the incentives - took off in that part of Britain. Indeed, many Cumbernauldites soon joined the Tricycling Team, with their children [real or invented], household pets [tame or feral], and imaginary friends, all being paid incentives, but, even as a family group, struggled to attend, except, strangely, towards the week-end, notably on Fridays, and on Saturdays.
Team Tricycling, as they had been renamed, with snazzy new logos, bonuses for regular attendees on any day, ‘Making Opportunity Now for Excellence in Youngsters’ for promising new-comers of all ages, and lashings of jam – as well as company cars, golden pensions, private healthcare, and inadequately audited expenses - for Complete Auditable British INternational Excellence in Team Tricycling – or CABINETT, as the now-thousands’ strong ‘Support Squad’ was by this stage officially known. CABINETT promised a brilliant future.
The weekend before the Grand Match dawned, and, for the first time ever, Team Tricycling was apparently unable to hold a Saturday Incentivisation Turn-out & International Nervecentre. No sportsman [or –woman, Team Tricycling was an equal-opportunity incentiviser] had been found who could be identified as having trained at all, except for the one who had already paid for the Friday night Incentivisation Team Sodality Union [or IT’S U]. As it was, plainly, essential to continue to hold the SIT-IN, the same sportsman was billed for that, as well as the Friday IT’S U.
The British Team's CABINETT fined that last remaining training sportsman a month’s wages when he failed to attend on time the following Wednesday.
The Grand Match in Cumbernauld wasn’t even close. Although the [British] Team Tricycling numbered in the hundreds of thousands, judging by those, proudly attired in their colours of Gordon Brown, who thronged that part of Britain that week-end, none was fit to play. Accordingly, the Nordes-undSudes-Ostes-undWestes-undAllesDeutchesZwei-undDrei-stuckRadsUnionundBund [NoSOWADZ-RUB] was able to claim victory by a trike-over.
Huge bonuses, peerages [some hereditary], statutory monopolies, etc., were awarded to the CABINETT for improving participation in Tricycling by far more than their admittedly retrospectively-applied targets, although the rewards were reduced very slightly from the maximum payable, to reflect Britain being merely runners-up, rather than outright winners, in the recent Grand Tricycling Tourney in Cumbernauld.
The CABINETT’s assistants, media interpreters, medical advisers**, ethics thought leaders, etc. also didn’t go home exactly penniless.
Despite this, one CABINETT member, thought to be Harridamn Hatcheck, member for Exactly Equal Incentivisation, for Incentivisation More Equal for Some, Lardy Privy Trike, and the Deputy High Trikester, amongst other poorly-remunerated titles, was heard to complain that they were all misunderstood, and that even more incentivisation and equality [absolutely equal amounts of equality, although more equal for some than others], under the leadership of the Grand High Trikester, was coming soon, whether Britain wanted it or not.
* NB: This word was outlawed in the last quarter of the season as an out-dated vestige of hegemonist elitistic Old-Think.
** Especially advisers in that branch of medicine relating to Rotation, in all its many synonyms.

370-
NEW LABOUR ~ Indifferent to Voters, Indifferent to the concerns of Voters.
Roget’s Thesaurus has just issued a new edition, and this has a new synonym for ‘indecisive’ – ‘Gordon Brown’.
Gordon Brown will, in his Premiership, take the United Kingdom to seventh place in the Economic League Tables. A stunning achievement, were it not for the fact that – when he took over barely a year ago - we were fourth!
Gordon Brown will be famous – if for no other reason than that he is the first Prime Minister known to have employed a glove-puppet as Chancellor of the Exchequer, a ‘Busty Lingerie Model’ as Home Secretary, and a schoolboy as Foreign Secretary. And they – obviously – are the pick of the talent available!
There is no truth in the rumour that Kermit and his pals from the ‘Muppet Show’ are suing Gordon Brown over his Cabinet appointments, alleging plagiarism. Mind you, that might be because Miss Piggy and the others are still rolling about the floor in helpless gales of laughter a year later.
What if little Millipede takes over from Gordon Brown? Where will Millipede get a Cabinet so utterly inept they think he is a ‘leader’ – where? even from amongst the present Parliamentary Labour Party?
It’s simply untrue to claim that the Speaker of the House of Commons – Gorbals Mick – is hanging on, just so the investment in real-time sub-titling equipment [so he can be understood by those not born on Clydeside] will not be wasted! And it’s nothing to do with the excessive expenses or platinum-plated pension either!
Miliband – way out of his depth in a car park puddle.
Gordon Brown is not a haverer; he is certainly not indecisive. You watch – he’ll sack the Mouthy Millipede chap. Or not. Probably!
Joined-up Government at its finest! At least with the 2008 SATS results, we know where we are: the statistics are from the Government, are known to be faulty, based on only a partial marking, much of which was incompetent or worse. And many are missing altogether. And they will be relied on to close down schools. Utter Balls.
What was the name of the Newcastle-based bank that almost folded last year, and had to be rescued - with billions of tax payers’ money? Northern Wreck – or Gordon Rock?
H. M. Government’s priorities:
Leave your wheelie bin just half an inch [a centimetre] open because you have too much rubbish – fine £110 [even though your council now only collects once a fortnight], and get a criminal record. Steal goods worth £249 from a shop – fixed penalty fine £80, and no criminal record. H. M. Opposition’s priorities:
Will ’Call-me-Dave’ do anything about this when he limps to power? Not if he’s still matching New-Tax-and-Spend-and-Waste-Labour’s hopelessly, criminally, unaffordable spending plans.
I’ve just realised that this isn’t a joke – it’s a disaster! Come back Screaming Lord Sutch – we need you now!

371-
I see the Chinese have taken Gold in the pistol shooting.
The target was kneeling, blindfolded and facing in the other direction.

372-
What Iran needs now is a more moderate leader. A Mullah Lite

373-
George Bush spoke out against the invasion of Georgia today saying: "Russia has invaded a sovereign state...such an action is not acceptable in the 21st century."
Who said Americans can't do irony?

374-
Britain and America have always had this special relationship.
The special relationship being that neither of us could be arsed to learn French.

375-
Olympic organisers are very disappointed that so few local children have been attending Olympic events. But, be fair, how could they? They were at work.

376-
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America!
It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you don't send this to at least 5 people you're a terrorist sympathizing lily-livered coward and are in the position of posing as a national threat!

377-
I went downstairs this morning and there was a letter on the mat saying "To The Occupier".
So I forwarded it to Russia.

378-
War...
...is God's way of teaching Americans geography!

379-
This has to be one of the best illustrations I've seen in a long time about how the Democratic Party wants to help us re-distribute our wealth or lack of it!
If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax refunds, maybe this will help to explain it: 50,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due.
The team was about to mail refunds when a group of Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out the ticket refunds based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness.
Originally the refunds were to be paid based on the price each person had paid for the tickets. Unfortunately that meant most of the refund money would be going to the ticket holders that had purchased the most expensive tickets. This, according to the DNC, is considered totally unfair. A decision was then made to pay out the refunds in this manner:
People in the $10 seats will get back $15. After all, they have less money to spend on tickets to begin with.
Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit." Persons "earn" it by having few skills, poor work habits, and low ambition, thus keeping them at entry-level wages. People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because it "seems fair."
People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes.
People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have to pay an additional $25 because it's the "right thing to do."
People walking past the stadium that could n't af ford to buy a ticket for the game each will get a $10 refund, even though they didn't pay anything for the tickets. They need the most help.
Now do you understand? If not, contact House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Senator Kennedy, Senator Kerry, Senator Hillary Clinton or Senator Obama for assistance.

380-
People don't vote for Obama because he's black?
Baloney.
It doesn't matter what colour a balloon is - it's still full of hot air.

381-
Metaphorically, the 'Midas touch' is defined as someone of good fortune, for whom everything they touch "turns to gold".
Gordon Brown is said to have the 'Andrex touch.'

382-
I was going through US immigration recently.
The stern Official asked, "do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or subversion?"
I thought for a second, then replied, "violence, I think."

383-
Barack Obama said in his speech last week "God loves America"
Well, God may love America, but he fucking hates New Orleans

384-
For those of you who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed version.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer
2. The invention of the wheel
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Conservatives
2. Liberals
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer the Conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals came to be symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish and like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French foods are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
Conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.
That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a liberal (you know who you are) may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above; to defend their untenable position.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals ... just to piss them off.

385-
Gordon Brown was visiting an agricultural show and had his photograph taken with some prize pigs. He told the reporter that he didn't want any smart-arse, cheap remarks under the picture. The reporter promised to be right to the point.
The next day Gordon Brown opens the paper and sees his picture. Underneath it the words "Gordon Brown (3rd from the left) visits Royal Show!"

386-
In deference to the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Royal Commission for Political Correctness it was announced today that the local climate in the UK will no longer be referred to as UK weather.
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the population it will be referred to as Muslim Weather........in other words, partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite.

387-
I see the Police have just foiled a terrorist plot to blow up the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown.
Haven't they got anything better to do?

388-
After the war, the plan is to divide Iraq into three parts... unleaded, premium, and diesel.

389-
WARNING
Q. What should you do if you get an e-mail with the subject "Nude pictures of Sarah Palin"?
A. Whatever you do, don't open it! It could contain a computer virus!
Q. What should you do if you get an e-mail with the subject "Nude pictures of Hillary Clinton"?
A. Whatever you do, don't open it! It could contain nude pictures of Hillary Clinton!

390-
Some respected commentators consider that Gordon Brown, as Chancellor, has wasted a trillion pounds.
Wasted – a trillion pounds!
The magnitude of that may take a little time to sink in.
Let me try to help, by putting that amount of money into context.
A trillion pounds, trivially, is enough to give a million pounds to each one of a million people – the entire population of Birmingham, say, but excluding domestic pets!
A trillion seconds ago, Neanderthal Man still lived in Spain.
A trillion pounds is the total output – goods, services, manufacture, forestry, agriculture, Lego - of a country like Denmark for the last twelve years.
A trillion ping-pong balls would fill 2.2 million shipping containers – enough to fully load the 253 biggest container vessels in service today [many of which were built in Denmark in the last twelve years].
A trillion pounds is enough to give everyone who has ever lived in all of history and prehistory, anywhere in the world, £15-33p each.
A trillion pounds would buy about 200 billion gallons of petrol – including the £690,000,000,000 tax that would go to Gordon’s glove-puppet Chancellor. This is enough to give every one of the 32 million vehicles [lorries, buses, vans, cars, motorbikes, mopeds etc.] in the country 6,250 gallons – or nearly twenty five tons - enough to fill up and have an HGV road tanker full, each.
A £1 coin has a thickness of 3.15 mm. So a trillion of them will reach 3.15 million kilometres – enough for eight piles, each one tall enough to reach the Moon!
And the Labour Party made this [self-proclaimed] financial genius Prime Minister!

391-
Thought for the day
If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95 ...
With HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50 ...
£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5 ....
BUT IF........
You bought £1000 worth of Tennent’s Lager one year ago, drank it all then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214 ...
So, based on the above statistics, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle!

392-
I went to see Chubby Brown at the weekend. As soon as he came on stage I started shouting "You fat bastard! You fat bastard!"
Then I was told by security that that sort of behaviour wasn't tolerated at the Labour party conference.

393-
Gordon Brown's solution to cutting your fuel bills? Close your curtains and switch off the lights.
I've been doing that for years. Usually just before I whisper to the babysitter "say hello to Mister Sausage".

394-

395-
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
"Hello!... Hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!"
For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, "Hello! Is anyone down there?"
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing . . ...
"Vote for McCain/Palin!! - Vote for McCain/Palin!!"
Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed, "Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive!"

396-
What's the difference between a Lehman's banker and a pigeon?
A pigeon can still leave a deposit on a Ferrari.

397-
I've had terrible financial problems during the credit crunch, but I'm getting back on my feet again now.
They've repossessed the car.

398-
Pass this on; this might be the best plan yet!!
This idea sounds just crazy enough to possibly work, so naturally it won't be given serious consideration. How great is our bureaucracy!!
I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG. Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a 'We Deserve It' Dividend.
To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bona fide U. S. Citizens 18+.
Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..
So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billion that equals $425,000.00.
My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a 'We Deserve It' Dividend.
Of course, it would NOT be tax free.
So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.
Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.
That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.
But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.
A husband and wife has $595,000.00.
What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?
Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.
Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads
Put away money for college - it'll be there
Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
Buy a new car - create jobs
Invest in the market - capital drives growth
Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves
Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else
Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.
If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it... instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( 'vote buy' ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President.
If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!
As for AIG - liquidate it.
Sell off its parts.
Let American General go back to being American General.
Sell off the real estate.
Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.
Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.
Sure it's a crazy idea that can 'never work.'
But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!
How do you spell Economic Boom?
I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion
We Deserve the Dividend more than the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC
And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.
Ahhh... I feel so much better getting that off my chest.
Kindest personal regards,
T. J . Birkenmeier, A Creative Guy & Citizen of the Republic
PS: Feel free to pass this along to your pals as it's either good for a laugh or a tear or a very sobering thought on how to best use $85 Billion!!

399-
And are the Police racist?
Greater Manchester Police arrested a lady a week after someone – possibly her 6-year-old daughter – put a golliwog – an out-dated symbol of neo-slavery and oppression – in her house window, where it was sighted from the road, by someone supersensitive, someone to whom the traditional 'black bag' is oozing with colonial overtones, rather than being a simple description of a bag of a certain colour and use.
Would the householder have been arrested if she had been black?
No-one thinks that even the most PC P.C. – i.e. Sir Ian Blur [Phony Tony Blur’s catamite], the Decommissioner of the Met., which is no longer a ‘Force’ – would arrest a black lady for the alleged ‘offence’.
So, according to the wisdom of Lord MacPherson ["Racism is everywhere you look, unless you're white" or something], I perceive that that is a blatantly racist action by the Greater Manchester Police.

400-
What's the capital of Iceland?
About £4.50p!

401-
Not Looking Good for the Bail Out
Back in 1990, the US Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel outside of Reno Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze?

402-
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

403-
While out campaigning, Old John stopped at a small village and started looking around for a stand to make his speech from. All he could find was a big pile of horse manure, so he climbed up on that and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the first time I have ever made a Republican speech from a Democratic platform.

404-
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

405-
Today on my way to lunch I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "Vote Obama, I need the money." I laughed.
Once in the restaurant my server had on a "Obama 08" tie, again I laughed as he had given away his political preference -- just imagine the coincidence.
When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need--the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight.
I went outside, gave the homeless guy $10 and told him to thank the server inside as I've decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful.
At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn even though the actual recipient deserved money more.
I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application.

406-
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, as his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn’t always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
He declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Paracetamol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
He began to lose the will to live as churches became businesses; creationism vied for equal footing with proper science, alternative treatments became available on the NHS (while cancer drugs were banned) and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
The poor bloke took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
He finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Barely recovering from that he was bludgeoned to death by the news that the world's financial markets had been demolished by irresponsible bankers who made a fortune doing so and who the governments bailed out by demanding money from those wise enough to have adopted sensible fiscal policies.
This grand old man was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by four stepbrothers; "I Know My Rights", "Someone Else's Problem", "I’m A Victim" and "Work? I'm better of on the Dole" and his stepsisters, "Gymslip Mother" and "I'll have a baby and they'll give me a house".
Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not join the majority and do nothing.

407-
Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationing south of Rome in Venice .
The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private audience, hoping they will be able to allot minimal coverage, if any.
The Pope asks Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride through the canals of Venice . They’re admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when, all of a sudden, the Pope’s hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.
The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff’s cap with his pole, but this move threatens to overturn the floating craft.
Sarah waves the tour guide off, saying, Wait, wait. I’ll take care of this.
Don’t worry. She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Pope’s hat, bends over and picks it up. She walks back across the water to the gondola and steps aboard.
She hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats in Congress, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, CNN, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities, and in France and Germany is:
“Palin Can’t Swim.”

408-
Gordon Brown, or Gordon the Useless One as he is known by some of his colleagues, was looking for a lady of the night.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, 'I am the Prime Minister of England. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, £200.'
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was £100.
He then asked the redhead
Her reply was, 'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my flat and screw me the way you have Pensioners, then it isn't going to cost you a bloody penny!'

409-
--- Notice to All Employees
As of November 5, 2008, if President Obama is officially elected into office, our company will instill a few new policies which are in keeping with his new, inspiring issues of change and fairness:
1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales and bonuses into a common pool that will be divided equally between all of you. This will serve to give those of you who are under-achieving a fair shake.
2. All low level workers will be pooling their wages, including overtime, into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst yourselves. This will help those who are too busy for overtime to reap the rewards from those who have more spare time and can work extra hours.
3. All top management will now be referred to as the government. We will not participate in this pooling experience because the law doesn't apply to us.
4. The government will give eloquent speeches to all employees every week, encouraging its workers to continue to work hard for the good of all.
5. The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because it's good to spread the wealth. Those of you who have underachieved will finally get an opportunity; those of you who have worked hard and had success will feel more patriotic.
6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their desks. Don't feel bad, though, because President Obama will give you free healthcare, free handouts, free oil for heating your home, free foods stamps, and he'll let you stay in your home for as long as you want even if you can't pay your mortgage. If you appeal directly to our democratic congress, you might even get a free flatscreen TV and a coupon for free haircuts (shouldn't all Americans be entitled to nice looking hair?)

410
Some people believe that Sarah Palin wasn't the best choice to be John McCain's running mate but have you seen how well his shirts have been ironed throughout the whole campaign.

411-
It's election day in the USA ...
John McCain's military record has Barack Obama's supporters in Hollywood worried, so they've decided to make a movie about Obama's military experience. The working title is "Full Dinner Jacket."

John McCain is far more knowledgeable and experienced than Barack Obama when it comes to Islamic nations. McCain fought there during the crusades.

As a former POW, John McCain spent time in prison before entering politics. By contrast, Barack Obama will hold public office first.

Mike Huckabee's bumpersticker: Honk If You Love Jesus Barack Obama's bumpersticker: Honk If You Think I Am Jesus John McCain's bumpersticker: Honk If You Want Amnesty for Jesús

Q. Hillary Clinton wears boxers. Bill Clinton wears briefs. Barack Obama wears thongs. What does John McCain wear? A. Depends.

Barack Obama's release of what he claims to be his 1961 birth certificate is being questioned since it appears to have been made with a laser printer. There's no question about the authenticity of John McCain's birth certificate. It's carved in stone.

Barack Obama has repeatedly refused John McCain's debate challenges. Obama told McCain that he wants a speed-reading contest instead. "We'll both be given a teleprompter and whoever reads his talking points faster will be the winner," explained Obama. "No contest. You would win it," conceded McCain. "I can't talk out of both sides of my mouth like you can."

Barack Obama claimed to have campaigned in 57 states. John McCain corrected him, "That's 44 too many states."

John McCain and Barack Obama are both ready for the Presidential race. Obama passed his latest drug test and McCain passed his yearly autopsy.

412-
Early one morning during the Presidential Campaign, John McCain heard a knock on his front door. He opened the door to find a high-school-age girl wearing a "Vote for McCain" t-shirt.
"I saw you on TV last night, debating with the other candidates," she said.
McCain nodded. "The other candidates say I'm too old," he said. "They say I'm losing my memory and that I won't be able to remember the names of foreign leaders if I'm elected. But I'm going to prove them wrong."
"Good," said the girl.
"Now tell me, young lady," said McCain, "what is your name?"
The girl looked confused. "It's ME, Grandpa."

413-
What's the difference between paedophiles and a politicians?
Politicians don't keep pictures of the little people they fuck.

414-
Black people all over the world celebrated Obama's victory long into the night on Tuesday.
It was okay for them but the rest of us had jobs to go to in the morning!

415-
The gun-toting, ex-beauty pageant contestant Governor of Alaska believes (against all evidence) that: global warming isn't man made; abortion is wrong (even in cases of rape or where the woman's life is at risk); the world was created (against all evidence) in six days, 6000ish years ago, Noah had a big boat and lived over 800 years and that Adam walked with dinosaurs.
On the US Election night in November 2008 she appeared on television and stated that she *believed* she was going to wake up Vice President Elect under John McCain.
Friends, ask yourselves:
How fucking dumb can one person be?

416-
In the wake of the US election, people over here are wondering if Britain is ready for a black Prime Minister.
Fuck that. Neil Kinnock proved that we're not even ready for a ginger Prime Minister.

417-
With Britain becoming worse and worse by the day, I propose that we all seek asylum somewhere.
I suggest Pakistan.
We could build a huge church in the middle of Islamabad that dominates the skyline, set up chippys and shops on every corner, assault the locals who dare to come into "our" part of town, set up specialist shops selling pork products and non-halal meat, and protest to the government that the name "Ramadan" is offensive to our religion, and ask that they make it more inclusive by changing it to "Starve yourself fest".

418-
It's been reported that the Taliban soldiers say sheep are perfect to detect mines.
They send them into a field and if they're blown up, they have dinner; if they make it through alive, they have a date.

419-
Why are civil servants forbidden to look out of the windows in the Morning?
Because if they did there would be nothing for them to do in the afternoon

420-
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

421-
Yesterday in Washington, the secret service arrested a man who climbed over the White House fence.
The secret service told the man "Get back here Mr. President, you still have two more months."

422-
THE USGA WOULD LIKE TO INFORM ALL GOLFERS
There are MAJOR rule changes to the game of golf, effective now, November 5th.
This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being written now. Here are a couple of basic changes.
Golfers with handicaps:
- below 10 will have their green fees increase by 35%
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees
- above 18 will play for free and even get a check from the club/course played
The dollar amount put in for bets will be as follows:
-for handicaps below 10 an additional $10
-between 11 and 18 no additional amount
-above 18 you will receive the total amount in the pot and you do not even have to play.
The term "gimme" putt will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:
-handicaps below 10, no entitlements
-handicaps above 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts
-handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt, just pick it up
These "entitlements" are intended to bring about fairness in scoring so that the final scores of all players will be about the same.
In addition, a Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or six pars, any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player making the birdie or par, can that Player begin to count his score again.
The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term "net score" will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps 18 and above.
This is intended to "redistribute" the success of winning by making sure that in every competition the above 18 handicap players will post only "net score" against every other player's gross score.
These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about Fairness Only, it should have nothing to do with Ability.

423-
I was talking to a friend's 6-year old daughter, & she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there as I asked her, 'If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food & houses to all the homeless people.'
'Wow - what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house & mow, pull weeds, & rake my yard, & I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where a homeless guy hangs out, & you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds 'cause she's only 6. And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye & asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over & do the work, & you can just pay him the $50 ?'
I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party !'
Her folks still aren't talking to me!

424-
Ninety percent of politicians give the other ten percent a bad name.

425-
China are building dozens of coal power stations and loads of fat Americans are rolling around in gas guzzling 4x4 vehicles. And they tell me I can save the planet by switching the TV off at the plug overnight! Why? Because it is the tiny standby light that is causing the hole in the Ozone?! Get a fucking grip!

426-
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside a Maryland immigration office.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children. '
The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'
The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water, with eight bedrooms for my family and the re st of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.. '
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood, overlooking the bay.
'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.
'Yes, one more wish.'
I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin, like the White Americans.
PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
; 'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'
The fairy said "Tough luck, Mac, Now that you are a WHITE American, you have to fend for yourself."
And she disappeared!

427-
Come to think of it, are Muslims allowed to keep a piggy bank?

428-
Dear friend,

Right now, in East Africa, one of the greatest tragedies of modern times is unfolding while the world stand by and does nothing. Ahmed's case is just one amongst hundreds:

"In the old days, if a man wanted to be a pirate he could get a boat and go about the place robbing innocent ships. but these days everyone is into it. There are not many innocent ships here anymore - they have all turned into pirate ships. Everyone wants flags and eye-patches and there are no longer enough to go around. The prices for these goods are rising and once we have spent our ransoms [sometimes as little as $2million per haul] on basic necessities such as satellite televisions and luxury 4x4s, we ordinary people cannot afford them. How can we capture a ship without a jolly roger to raise on deck? no-one would take us seriously"

Literally thousands of families are facing choices no-one should have to make. A severe and desperate shortage of hooks, peg legs, jolly rogers, parrots and eye patches is resulting in pirates across Somalia and the Indian Ocean being forced to go on raids without basic items of equipment. Stories are emerging of some pirate ships lacking even the most rudimentary items such as daggers to hold between their teeth, while others complain of equipment shortages preventing pirates from swabbing the decks or shivering people's timbers.

We can change this.

By giving whatever you can afford, you will be giving hope to countless families and restoring self respect and dignity on the high seas. Your money will make a real difference - pirates don't want handouts, they just want to able to provide for their families and loved ones with pride. By robbing other people.

What your money will buy
£2 buys a pack of six hooks and six eye patches (assorted colours) to be shared amongst a crew
£5 buys a jolly roger for the mother ship
£10 buys a peg leg and amputation operation for a pirate captain
£50 buys seven AK47s and enough ammunition to capture a small freighter
£100 buys a satellite phone that will allow a whole community to phone in unreasonable ransom demands to anywhere in the world
£150 sends a pirate on a parrot breeding course. (buy a man a parrot and he may have a friend for a year. Teach him to breed parrots and he can keep his family and community supplied in parrots until he gets blown up by an American warship)
£1000 buys a cave hideout with satellite television.

So please, charter an oil tanker through the Gulf of Aden today and give whatever you can't afford. Send a message of hope to all those who aspire to making a dishonest living through robbery, plunder and kidnap. Do they know it's Christmas time at all? Probably not.

Thank you.

429-
Help a London child this Christmas........
Kill a social worker

430-
An old priest lay dying in hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of London. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" she said.
"I would really like to see Tony Blair and Gordon Brown before I die," whispered the priest
"I'll see what I can do, Father," said the nurse. The nurse sent the request to the House of Commons and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived that Tony and Gordon would be delighted to meet the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Gordon commented to Tony: "I don't know why the old priest would want to meet us, but it certainly might help our images and even get me elected for Prime Minister for another term. Tony agreed that it was a very good especially if they got press coverage.
When they arrived at the hospital bed the old priest took Gordon's hand in his right hand and Tony's hand in his left.
There was a silence and the look of serenity on the priest’s face.
Finally Gordon spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen why choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The Old priest replied slowly: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Gordon.
"Amen" said Tony.
The old priest continued: "He died between two lying bastards. I would like to do the same..."

431-
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, and her lower lip began to aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was Porky's, the week before, it was Animal House.
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
Today I made the final step. I registered to join the Labour party.

432-
George Bush is an anagram of ' Bugger! Shoe! '.

433-
Change of Address.
In a few short days, an African American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count our blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.
Many believed this day would never come. Most of us hoped and prayed that it would, but few of us actually believed we would live to see it. Racism is an ugly thing in all of its forms and there is little doubt that if this man had moved into this house fifteen years ago, there would have been a great outcry - possibly even rioting in the streets.
Today, we can all be both grateful and proud that no such mayhem will take place. when this man takes up residency in this house.
This man, moving into this house at this time in our nation's history is much more than a simple change of addresses for him - it is proof of a change in our attitude as a nation. It is an amends of sorts - the righting of a great wrong. It is a symbol of our growth, and of our willingness to "judge a man, not by the color of his skin but by the content of his character".
There can be little doubt now that the vast majority of us truly believe that this man has earned both his place in history and his new address. His time in this house will not be easy - it will be fraught with danger and he will face many challenges. I am sure there will be many times when he asks himself how in the world he ended up here and like all who have gone before him, the experience will age him greatly.
But I for one will not waste an ounce of worry for his sake - because in every way a man can, he asked for this. His whole life for the past fifteen years appears to have been inexorably leading this man toward this house. It is highly probable that in the past, despite all of his actions, racism would have kept this man out of this house. Today, I thank the Lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.

'Who is this man?' you ask. You think you know, don't you? See below.

You thought I was talking about someone else?

434-
The 'misunderestimated' president?
All politicians are prone to make slips of the tongue in the heat of the moment - and President George W Bush has made more than most.
The word "Bushism" has been coined to label his occasional verbal lapses during eight years in office, which come to an end on 20 January.
Here are some of his most memorable pronouncements.

ON HIMSELF
"They misunderestimated me."
Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 November, 2000

''I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe - I believe what I believe is right." Rome, 22 July, 2001
"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again."
Nashville, Tennessee, 17 September, 2002

"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead."
Washington DC, 11 May, 2001

"I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me."
Nashville, Tennessee, 27 May, 2004

FOREIGN AFFAIRS
"For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times."
Tokyo, 18 February, 2002

"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorise himself."
Grand Rapids, Michigan, 29 January, 2003

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." Washington DC, 5 August, 2004
"I think war is a dangerous place."
Washington DC, 7 May, 2003

"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the - the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice."
Washington DC, 27 October, 2003

"Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat."
Washington DC, 17 September, 2004

"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror."
CBS News, Washington DC, 6 September, 2006

EDUCATION
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
Florence, South Carolina, 11 January, 2000

"Reading is the basics for all learning."
Reston, Virginia, 28 March, 2000

"As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards."
CNN, 30 August, 2000

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.''
Townsend, Tennessee, 21 February, 2001

ECONOMICS
"I understand small business growth. I was one."
New York Daily News, 19 February, 2000

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
Reuters, 5 May, 2000

"I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine Labour Secretary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified."
Austin, Texas, 8 January, 2001

"First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill."
Washington DC, 19 May, 2003

HEALTHCARE
"I don't think we need to be subliminable about the differences between our views on prescription drugs."
Orlando, Florida, 12 September, 2000

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."
Poplar Bluff, Missouri, 6 September, 2004

TECHNOLOGY
"Will the highways on the internet become more few?"
Concord, New Hampshire, 29 January, 2000

"It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber."
Washington DC, 10 April, 2002

"Information is moving. You know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets."
Washington DC, 2 May, 2007

OUT OF LEFT FIELD
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
Saginaw, Michigan, 29 September, 2000

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
LaCrosse, Wisconsin, 18 October, 2000

"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."
Tucson, Arizona, 28 November, 2005

"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three - three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?"
Speaking to reporter Kai Diekmann, Washington DC, 5 May, 2006

ON GOVERNING
"I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together."
Bartlett, Tennessee, 18 August, 2000

"I'm the decider, and I decide what is best."
Washington DC, 18 April, 2006

"And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, and [Tony Blair] read it."
On the publication of the Baker-Hamilton Report, Washington DC, 7 December, 2006

"All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone."
San Diego, California, 25 October, 2007

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."
Washington DC, 12 May, 2008

"Families are where our nation finds home, where wings take dream."

"We cannot allow tariffs or rouge nations to hold our interests hostile."

"I couldn't imagine someone like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah."

"An Iran that is capable of resisting Iranian influence."

"It's white." (On being asked by a child what the White House was like.)

While indicating a well-known leftie reporter, the mike picks up Dubbya saying "..see that guy over there? - he's a major league asshole".

"I believe that human beings and fish can coexist peacefully"

"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur.”

"The American farmer is at the forethought of our thought thinking."

435-
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."
- Cicero - 55 B.C.

436-
When a company falls on difficult times, one the first things that seems to happen is they reduce their staff and workers. The remaining workers need to find ways to continue to do a good job or could risk being eliminated as well. Wall street and the media normally congratulate the CEO for making this type of "tough decision", and his board of directors gives him a big bonus.
I feel our government should not be immune from similar risks. I therefore am recommending the following cuts to be implemented by the next president elect.
Reduce the House of Representatives from the current 435 members to 218 members and Senate members from 100 to 50 (one per State). Also reduce remaining staff by
25%. Accomplish this over the next 8 years. (two steps / two elections) and of course this would require some redistricting.
Some yearly monetary gains include: $44,108,400 for elimination of base pay for congress. (267 members X $165,200 pay / member / yr.), $97,175,000 for elimination of the above people's staff. (estimate $1.3 Mil in staff per each member of the House, and $3 Mil in staff per each member of the Senate every year)
$240,294 for the reduction in remaining staff by 25 %.
$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork barrel ear-marks each year. (those members who's jobs are gone. Current estimates for total government pork earmarks are at $15 Billion / yr)
The remaining representatives would need to work smarter and would need to improve efficiencies. It might even be in their best interests to work together for the good of our country .
We may also expect that smaller committees might lead to a more efficient resolution of issues as well. It might even be easier to keep track of what your representative is doing.
Congress has more tools available to do their jobs than it had back in 1911 when the current number of representatives was established. (telephone, computers, cell phones to name a few)
Note: Congress did not hesitate to jump on a train for home this week when it was a holiday, when the nation needed a real fix to the economic problems. Also, we have 3 senators that have not been doing their jobs for the past 18+ months (on the campaign trail) and still they all have been accepting full pay. These facts alone support a reduction in senators & congress.
Summary of opportunity: $44,108,400 reduction of congress members.
$282,100,000 for elimination of the reduced house member staff.
$150,000,000 for elimination of reduced senate member staff.
$59,675,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining house members.
$37,500,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining senate members.
$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork added to bills by the reduction of congress members.
$8,073,383,400 per year, estimated total savings.
Big business does these types of cuts all the time.
IF you are happy with how our government is right now, just delete this message.
IF you are not happy, I assume you know what to do.

437-
Greetings: As I reflect on 2008, I can say we had a great year . . . Blacks are happy; Obama was elected. Whites are happy, OJ is in jail. Democrats are happy; George Bush is leaving office. Republicans are happy: Democrats will finally quit saying George Bush stole the election. And all of us are so happy; The election is finally over! I think 2009 will be even better: Immediately after his inauguration, Obama will balance the budget, revive the economy, solve the real estate problem, pay off our mortgages, pay off our car loans, solve the auto industry problem, solve our gas/alternative energy problem, stop the fires and mudslides in California, ban hurricanes and tornadoes, stop identity theft, reverse global warming, find Osama, solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, get rid of corruption in government and achieve world peace. Then on the 7th day, He will rest.

438-
Prime Minister Vladimir Putin called Gordon Brown with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian Prime Minister cried; "my people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Vladimir, the English people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime minister.
"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Brown.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied Gordon Brown and, with that, he hung up and called the President of Durex. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Durex.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said Gordon Brown, "print 'MADE IN ENGLAND, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

439-
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power this past week. At first, I felt a pride and patriotism as I watched Barack Obama take his oath of office.
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched George W. Bush board Air Force One for one last time.
I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing president.
It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated under Bush.
Every last one of them missed."

440-
Be honest,
How many of you out there were only watching the inauguration to see if he got shot?

441-
In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!
Quickly I jumped up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver license photo and it was that same color. Black.
I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!!
That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!!
I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled.'
'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me
I turn around, and it's my Boyfriend.
Just what I needed!!!
I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.
Oh, my God..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!
Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and OH, noooooo... I'm Bald!!!
The telephone rings. It's my brother.
He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap... Any job.'
Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!
I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan.
But he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up.
It's then I realize I only have one hand!!!
With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker?
Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV- positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.
At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'Sweetiepie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided which innaugural party we are going to for Obama ??????
Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a Pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a DEMOCRAT....

442-
Tuesday was a truly historic day.
The most taxpayer money ever spent on a single Negro...

443-
To the Editor:
Dear Sir,
I am singularly unimpressed with the new president.
Mr. Obama has been in power for eight days, now, and the street light down the road is still not working.
Yours faithfully,
A. Smith,
Rickman Hill,
Coulsdon,
Surrey,
England.

444-
The current slump, with falling wages and job losses, is getting so bad in this country that I reckon in a couple of years time Indians will be complaining that whenever they 'phone their bank they are connected to a fucking Englishman.

445-
The current slump, with falling wages and job losses, is getting so bad in this country that I reckon in a couple of years time Indians will be complaining that whenever they 'phone their bank they are connected to a fucking Englishman.

446-
"The results are in.....2.5 million in attendance for the inauguration and only 14 missed work"

447-
US GAAP new definition of UBS Accounting:
There are two sides of the balance sheet - the left side and the right side.
On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left!

448-
I think it's great that female pilots are dropping bombs on the Taliban.
It would be even better if they dropped pamphlets afterwards that said:
'This bomb was brought to you by Jenny, who is naked and enjoys drinking, smoking and premarital sex.'

449-
I don't know why all the Americans are so excited about having a black president, Zimbabwe have had one for years and he's fucking shit.

450-
The BBC reports that the Venezuelan opposition state that Venezuela has, under Hugo Chavez, become the most corrupt area of the Americas, after Haiti and Chicago.
Who would have thought that Haiti was even more corrupt than Chicago?

451-
Have you ever noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add a few more letters, it actually spells out: "Fuck off and go home all you benefit stealing, kid producing, no English-speaking cocksuckers, and take those hairy-faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, mutton eating, smelly raghead bastards with you."

452-
Reminder: Don't forget to pay your taxes...3 million illegal aliens are depending on you.

453-
Local Council, "We can't clear the roads because we've run out of grit."
Hmmm, I can't send you a cheque for my Council Tax because I've run out of stamps.

454-
To The Manager
HBOS HSBC Lloyds RBS Etal
I'm not sure enough people say this, so let me start by thanking you for all for your great work over the last few years. You invested in whatever your mates were selling without researching anything. And at a time where everything was going up in value, miraculously, the rubbish you invested my pension in went up in value too.
As they say: what goes up must come down. That's gravity for you. Nothing to do with you making bad decisions.
I am very sorry to learn that the £500 Billion that has been given to you so far is not enough. I really feel like a cheap-skate being party to a Country that has offered you so little.
Also, it is terrible that the Government wants to see a return on this money. How dare they? I am ashamed. Of course we convert the money given to you to no strings attached so that you don't have to pay for it.
I am so pleased that the Government is now giving you an extra £200 Billion. You deserve at least this for all your hard work. Please feel free to ask for more when you run out.
Finally, I am very sorry that I asked you if I could borrow an extra £10,000 on my mortgage to help me through. I was very wrong to say that 5.5% is unreasonable when interest rates are way up at 1.5%. Also, a £4,250 set up fee is totally justifiable. Why would I even think it should be less.
Yours humbly.........

455-

456-
I was listening to one of those political speeches earlier, telling us we should be worried because North Korea has the Bomb.
I'm not worried, nothing I've bought that was 'made in Korea' has ever fucking worked.

457-
Gordon Brown - the most spectacular political recovery since Lazarus, who was raised from the dead by our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
And who is slated for the 'Jesus' role in the recovery of Prudence's ex?
Not the Glove-puppet Chancellor.
Not the terminally useless Shadow Chancellor.
Nor his 'boss', call-me Dave.
No - you the tax-payer!
More correctly, you the more-tax-payer [and more-and-more-tax-payer], who is about to fund Gordon's recovery with a cool £1,000,000 million - to be repaid from your hard-earned wages over the next few - many? -years.
And you didn't even get a chance to vote for him!

458-
"St. Brown is my shepherd, I shall not work.
He leadeth me beside still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Conservative Party.
He guideth me to the path of unemployment.
Yea, though I wait for my dole
I own the bank that refuses me.
Brown has anointed my income with taxes
My expenses runneth over my income
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of his term
From hence forth we will live all the days of our lives in a rented home with an overseas landlord
I am glad I am British
I am glad that I'm free
But I wish I was a dog
And Brown was a tree ....."

459-
I think it's weird that Islamic fundamentalists are using suicide bombers to try and convert Britain to Islam.
They've got no chance - we've not converted to metric yet.

460-
Useful Phrases to Know When Travelling in the Middle East

AKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN
Thank you for showing me your marvellous gun.

FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the boot of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN
If you will do me the kindness of not harming by genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN
The red blindfold will be lovely your excellency.

TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must have the recipe.

461-
Intelligent Quote....
"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that it does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."
The late Dr. Adrian Rogers, 1931 - 2005

462-
The Americans With No Abilities Act
Washington , DC - (Dateline February 18, 2009)
President Barack Obama and the Democrat controlled Congress are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer - Democrat. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi - Democrat, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid - Democrat - pointed to the success of the U. S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U. S. employer of Persons of Inability.
Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement warehouse stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).
Under AWNAA, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-Abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"
"As a Non-Abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them, said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember rightey-tightey, lefty-loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me," Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and tens of millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Senator Dick Durbin (Democrat-IL), "As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."

463-
Shortly after class, an economics student approached his economics professor and said, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"
The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.
At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.
They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed.
The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.
The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.
The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"*
The professor, matter-of-factly, stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.
The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.
However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad.
The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."

464-
A chemistry professor in a large college had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab the Professor noticed one young man (exchange student) who kept rubbing his back, and stretching as if his back hurt.
The professor asked the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and install a new communist government.
In the midst of his story he looked at the professor and asked a strange question. He asked, 'Do you know how to catch wild pigs?'
The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line. The young man said this was no joke.
'You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come everyday to eat the free corn.
When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence. They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side.
The pigs, who are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat, you slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd.
Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn.
They are so used to it that they have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity.
The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening to America .
The government keeps pushing us toward socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops
(CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc.. While we continually lose our freedoms -- just a little at a time.
One should always remember: There is no such thing as a free lunch! Also, a politician will never provide a service for you cheaper than you can do it yourself.
Also, if you see that all of this wonderful government 'help' is a problem confronting the future of democracy in America , you might want to send this on to your friends.
If you think the free ride is essential to your way of life then you will probably delete this, but God help you when the gate slams shut!

465-
A NEW TAX -- Can you believe this?
IT'S JUST BEEN ANNOUNCED THAT OBAMA IS GOING TO CALL FOR A 40% TAX ON ASPIRIN!!
THE REASON GIVEN - IT'S WHITE AND IT WORKS!

466-
This was written by a rig worker in the North Sea - He makes a lot of sense!
I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to earn that pay cheque, I work on a rig for a drilling contractor. I am required to pass a random urine test for drugs and alcohol, with which I have no problem.
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.
Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare cheque because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Please understand that I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their ass drinking beer and smoking dope.
Could you imagine how much money the government would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a welfare cheque?
Please pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you will pass it along though, because something has to change in the UK, and soon!

467-
I robbed the bank last week...
I got 15 billion pounds of debt.

468-
You gotta love Robin Williams...... Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
'I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.'
1) 'The US will apologize to the world for our 'interference' in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good 'ole' boys', we will never 'interfere' again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines . They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are from. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them..
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign 'students' over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a 'D' and it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not 'interfere.' They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us 'Ugly Americans' any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH.. learn it... or LEAVE... Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
'The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?'
If you agree with the above, forward it to friends... If not, and I would be amazed if you DELETED it!!

469-
So Brown wants to give a Knighthood to the Hero of Chappaquiddick, Ted Kennedy?
Well, let’s see . . .
He hasn’t spied for the USSR – like Sir Anthony Blunt.
He hasn’t sworn on live TV – like Sir Bob Geldoff.
He hasn’t brought a bank, and Scotland, to its knees – like Sir Fred "the shred" Goodwin.
Just a bit of bad driving, good swimming and a memory lapse; and some support for stereotypical Irish bhoys, who he didn’t know were cowardly killers, bombers and drug-pushing criminal extortionists.
Sounds like another good call by Gordon-the-World-Saver to me!

470-
Dear People of Great Britain,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate. Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle. We hope you have all enjoyed the holidays!
Sincerely,
Gordon BROWN
10 Downing Street

471-
So you don't want to go to school or get a job?
That's okay, we will pay you benefits.
You are a teenager and rather than work you decide to get pregnant?
That's okay, we will give you a house, pay your rent and council tax and give you generous benefits and you won't even have to give up cigarettes or drink.
You were unruly at school?
No problem, we will spend more money on you than we do on pupils who behave and want to learn - here, have another fag while I work out some extra benefits for you.
Carlsberg don't do government, but Labour do.

472-
I have been wondering about why Whites are Racists, and no other race is. Michael Richards better known as Kramer from TV's Seinfeld does make a good point. This was his defence speech in court after making racial comments in his comedy act. He makes some very interesting points... Someone finally said it... How many are actually paying attention to this? There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc. And then here are just Americans. You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me 'White boy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,' 'Caveman' ... And that's OK. But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink ... You call me a racist. You say that Whites commit a lot of violence against you... So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live? You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day. You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You have Yom Hashoah. You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi. You have the NAACP. You have BET... If we had WET (White Entertainment Television), we'd be racists.. If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists. If we had White History Month, we'd be racists. If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance'our, Lives we'd be racists. We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce. Wonder who pays for that?? A white woman could not be in the Miss Black American pageant, but any color can be in the Miss America pageant. If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships. You know we'd be racists. There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US . Yet, if there were 'White colleges' that would be a racist college.. In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us Racists. You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racist! You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white Police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist. I am proud... But you call me a racist. Why is it that only whites can be racists? There is nothing improper about this message. Let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on. I sadly don't think many will. That's why we have lost most of OUR RIGHTS in This Country. We won't stand up for ourselves! BE PROUD TO BE WHITE! It's not a crime yet ... But getting real close

473-
I just applied for planning permission for a new build house it was going to be 100ft tall and 400ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights with windows all over the place, parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green.
The council told me to fuck off.
So I sent in the application again but this time I called it a Mosque.
Surprise surprise.

474-
Linda is the proprietor of a bar in Cork.
In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans). Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Linda's bar. Taking advantage of her customers'
freedom from immediate payment constraints, Linda increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages, and also on some of the incidentals, where profits were already eye-watering. Her sales volume increases massively. Although she needs more cash for stock, her bank appears happy, as her gross margins are up.
She has to expand her bar; the city authorities are understanding - a bigger bar means more property taxes; more drinkers, more kebab shops [so more property taxes].
Despite the increase in turnover, the Cork authorities believe in light touch regulation. They know about not killing the goose that lays the golden egg! Therefore, the demand from the inebriates for more and more imported kebabs, which they initially pay for, but later start to put on their tab - soon renamed the more respectable "account" - at Linda's, is seen as a sign of a vibrant economy; the kebab-sellers take on staff, who pay taxes. The kebab-sellers report increased profits, accounting for their share of Linda's tab as actual cash. They pay taxes on those larger profits. their suppliers, too, pay taxes - and their staff do too, on their wages.
This is the same for the builders who extend the bar, the beer-brewers, and the wine merchants, and the crisp-makers, and tobacconists, and even the porky-scratchings manufacturers, all of whose products are sold by Linda; their turnover goes up, their paper profits soar, their executives make bigger and better bonuses, and their taxes rise.
The council recycles some of its increased income into Late-Night Litter Patrols, Dusk to Dawn Mobile Vomitoria, Better Kebab Advisors, Beer Scooter Inspectors, and so on, plus all the associated bureaucracy and empire-building.
A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Linda's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral. Similarly, Linda's wine merchant, brewer, crisp-maker, etc, are recognised as having valuable paper - backed as it is by the fastest growing business in Southern Ireland, The Linda's Bar Chain.
If running one bar means profits, Linda reckons, running two will mean more profits. Linda incorporates, sells shares [and bonds] and expands.
At the bank's corporate headquarters, far far away, expert bankers, priding themselves on
knowledge of financial engineering [if not the nature of alcoholics] transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then sliced and diced, and traded on markets worldwide. The expert bankers 'earn' multi-million bonuses [on which they pay taxes].
No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items. Simply buying, holding and selling means a profit.
Soon LindaBar is the third biggest retailer in Eire, fifteenth biggest in the rest of the EU. English, French and Germans too, will drink and eat kebabs at three in the morning, on credit, not just Corkonians.
Profits mean taxes. And Governments - not just in Cork, not just in Eire - like taxes; they can spend them! This calls for more light-touch regulation, and even tax-breaks for the executives of the immensely profitable dealers in derivatives [of LindCo bonds, of kebab shares etc.].
It also allows Governments to spend and borrow even more massively than they had before, allowing increases in Social Security payments to the 'unfortunates' or 'those who, through no fault of their own, have fallen on hard times' as one politician once put it [mostly alcoholics, many LindCo "investor-partners" as the account-holders were now known]; they will vote for generous Government spending. Why shouldn't they - they get most of it?
Within months, LindCo International has a string of Linda's BAR-Ns across Europe, Australasia, and North America, with plans for many more - anywhere where alcohol is not actually illegal.
One day, although the prices - of PUKEBONDS etc., of LindCo International shares, of shares in suppliers of training courses in kebab-vending, and so on - are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due to his negativity) of the original bank decides that sadly, these bonds are - well - the teensiest little bit risky.
They are supported on the incomes of - ahem - unemployed [and probably, by now, totally unemployable] alcoholics across the Western World, which incomes are supplied mostly by governments, with perhaps a little petty thieving, when they can still stand.
The time has come to demand payment of - at least some of - the debts incurred by the drinkers at Linda's bar, and at LindCo International's Linda's BAR-Ns. However the investor-partners cannot pay back the debts. LindCo cannot fulfil her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.
DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %. The suppliers of LindCo, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation, one which has changed not entirely to their advantage.
Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy within 24 hours, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, subsequently ruined because it did not exercise due diligence. The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties (and vested interests).
The funds required for this purpose are obtained by many taxes levied on the non-drinkers.

475-
Proud to be White
Michael Richards better known as Kramer from TVs Seinfeld does make a good point.
This was his defense speech in court after making racial comments in his comedy act. He makes some very interesting points...
Someone finally said it. How many are actually paying attention to this? There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc.
And then there are just Americans. You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me 'White boy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,' 'Caveman'... and that's OK.
But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink .. You call me a racist.
You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you... so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Yom Hashoah. You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.
You have the NAACP. You have BET... If we had WET (White Entertainment Television), we'd be racists. If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists.
If we had White History Month, we'd be racists.
If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance' OUR lives, we'd be racists.
We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce. Wonder who pays for that??
A white woman could not be in the Miss Black American pageant, but any color can be in the Miss America pageant.
If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships... You know we'd be racists.
There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US . Yet if there were 'White colleges', that would be a racist college.
In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.
You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.
You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.
I am proud... But you call me a racist.
Why is it that only whites can be racists??
There is nothing improper about this e-mail. Let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on. I sadly don't think many will. That's why we have LOST most of OUR RIGHTS in this country. We won't stand up for ourselves!
BE PROUD TO BE WHITE!
It's not a crime YET... but getting very close!
It is estimated that ONLY 5% of those reaching this point in this message, will pass it on.

476-
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian recommends the Qur'an.

477-
They're closing Guantanamo. That's how bad things are, ladies and gentlemen. That's how bad the economy is. You know it's tough, you know the economy is bad, when even the terrorists are being laid off.

478-
I went on Ebay yesterday searching for a dictaphone, it gave me Gordon Brown's phone number!

479-
My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by. Today I read his obituary. Please join me for a moment of silence in remembrance. For Common Sense has served us all so well for so many generations.
Obituary Common Sense Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassme nt for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't legally defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee w as hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

480-
Bethlehem City Council Department of Social Care.
Childs Name: Jesus O’Nazaretth
Parental Report:
Mother - Delusional: claims to converse with people who can fly. Behaviour possibly an indication of prolonged narcotics use.
Father – Absent/Unknown.
Step Father – Of limited IQ. Does not understand where babies come from. Seems unperturbed about his wife’s obvious infidelity.
Living Conditions – The family reside in a dilapidated out-building and the child was found sharing the accommodation with a number of animals.
The place was dirty and un-heated.
The parents were throwing wild parties and had invited all the local shepherds round (not a suitable environment for a baby).
During our inspection, three mature gentlemen approached the parents with very expensive gifts – we are concerned about their motives, several paedophile rings operate in this area.
Action – Child taken into care.

481-
I was going to go down to London to protest at the G20 last week, but I couldn't because I have a job and shower daily.

482-
Apparently French Premier Nicolas Sarkozy had threatened a "walkout" from the G20 meetings if things didn't go his way.
Did he not mean "retreat"?

483-
An example to British politicians and the judiciary alike. One thing about blokes from Oz is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place.
T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle , Australia , was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
HIS STATEMENT:
'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,' 'Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet.'

484-
Metaphorically, the 'Midas touch' is defined as someone of good fortune, for whom everything they touch "turns to gold".
Gordon Brown is said to have the 'Andrex touch.'

485-
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.
After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock! "We've never had a Labour supporter in the family before!"

486-
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile.
A representative from India began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named. When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath.' He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them.'
The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren't there then.'
The Indian representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech. 'And they say Kashmir belongs to them.................................................

487-
Letter to the Bank
Dear Sirs,
In view of current developments in the banking market, if one of my cheques is returned marked "insufficient funds", does that refer to me or to you?
Yours Faithfully

488-
Talked to my banker the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on.............
He sold me one outside KFC yesterday.

489-
A starving asylum seeker is greeted at Dover by a Good Fairy who grants him 3 wishes.
"I'm hungry" he says. POW! A banquet table appears.
"I want a nice house" he says. POW! A mansion with a swimming pool appears.
"I want to be a real Englishman" POW! Everything vanishes!
Asylum seeker asks "Where's everything gone?"
Fairy says "You're an Englishman now, and entitled to FUCK ALL!"

490-
Dear Gordon Brown,
Rather than throwing good money after bad, by bailing out irresponsible banks, I have a solution to fix the economy of Britain in a trice...
It's a scheme called 'Patriotic Retirement'. Currently there are just under 8-million workers in the UK aged 50+. Pay each the sum of £1million subject to three conditions being met:
1) They leave their jobs. 8-million vacancies fixes the rise in unemployment.
2) They all buy new British made cars, 8-million cars ordered fixes the motor industry.
3) They all either buy a house or pay off their mortgage, 8-million house purchases fixes the housing market.
4) They must send their kids to school / college /university - Crime rate fixed
5) Buy £50 of alcohol / tobacco a week there's your money back in duty / tax etc
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
Done! Economy fixed!

491-
There's been quite a furore in the papers this week about how the Gurkhas, who have fought bravely alongside the British in numerous wars, now find themselves being treated as second-class citizens; being given low priority compared to Middle-Eastern and African immigrants (who have never done a thing for this country) in terms of access to healthcare, benefits and housing.
I think it's nice to know that, after helping us out in all those wars, they're now being treated just like us indigenous Britons.

492-
Why did the Jews vote for Obama?
He promised to bring them change...

493-
I see that a £1billion stealth boat the Royal Navy has developed is detected on radar screens to be the size of a rowing boat. Fantastic! I'm sure our enemies wont raise an eyebrow when their radar screens show a small rowing boat 3000 miles from land travelling in excess of 32 knots.

494-
So freeloading Home Secretary Jacqui Smith and her husband have been getting porn paid for by the taxpayer. My parents always told me that porn would ruin my eyesight. With that in mind, perhaps the government should have been examining MP's expense claims more closely. Maybe David Blunkett wouldn't be in the situation he's in....

495-
Following on from fears over the swine flu virus it has been revealed that Britain will not be affected!!
Apparently the Government will not be letting it in in case it will offend MUSLIMS!

496-
"UK prepared for Swine Flu" says Gordon Brown.
We're fucked.

497-
Gordon Brown is my shepherd, I shall not work. He leadeth me beside the still factories. He restoreth my faith in the Conservative party. He guideth me in the path of unemployment. Yea, though I wait for my dole, I own the bank that refuses me. Brown has anointed my income with taxes, my expenses runneth over my income, Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of his term. From hence forth we will live all the days of our lives in a rented home with an overseas landlord.
I am glad I am British,
I am glad I am free.
But I wish I were a dog
And Brown was a tree..

498-
This was written by a Canadian woman, but oh how it also applies to the U. S., U. K., and Australia. Here is a woman who should run for Prime Minister!
Written by a housewife in New Brunswick, to her local newspaper. This is one ticked off lady.
'Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001 and have continually threatened to do so since?
Were people from all over the world, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from the nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania ?
Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?
And I'm supposed to care that a few Taliban were claiming to be tortured by a justice system of the nation they come from and are fighting against in a brutal insurgency.
I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.
I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere belief of which is a crime punishable by beheading in Afghanistan .
I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.
I'll care when the cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Afghanistan come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.
I'll care when the mindless zealots who blows themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.
I'll care when the media stops pretending that their freedom of speech on stories is more important than the lives of the soldiers on the ground or their families waiting at home to hear about them when something happens.
In the meantime, when I hear a story about a soldier roughing up an Insurgent terrorist to obtain information, know this
I don't care.
When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank:
I don't care.
When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and 'fed special' food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being 'mishandled,' you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts:
I don't care.
And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled 'Koran' and other times 'Quran.' Well, Jimmy Crack Corn you guessed it,
I don't care!!
If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your E-mail friends Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous behaviour!
If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you choose the latter, then please don't complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great Country! And may I add:
'Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Soldiers don't have that problem.'
I have another quote that I would like to add, AND......... I hope you forward all this.
One last thought for the day:
Only five defining forces have ever offered to die for you:
1. Jesus Christ
2. The Canadian Soldier.
3. The British Soldier.
4. The US Soldier, and
5. The Australian Soldier
One died for your soul, the other 4 for your freedom.

499-

500-
"In a major medical breakthrough scientists in Dublin have developed a new "OINKMENT" that will kill the dreaded Swine Flu virus"

501-
Someone once said that when a Black man becomes president pigs would fly. Sure enough 100 days later - Swine flu.

502-
I want to warn people from Nigeria. If you get any emails from a British bank asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.

503-
I called the NHS swine flu helpline today but all I got on the line was crackling.

504-
If we can get everyone to coordinate schedules maybe we could get a group rate!!!
I found a Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan ) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania ). The cost is a bit high @ $800.00 US per day per person double occupancy but I didn't find that offensive.
What I found enticing is that the cruise company is encouraging people to bring their 'High powered weapons' along on the cruise. If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the boat. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon. The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of $3200.00 per person double occupancy (4 days).
All the boat does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package.
$800.00 US per day double occupancy (4 day max billing)
M-16 full auto rental $25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor piercing ammo at $15.95
Ak-47 rifle @ No charge ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com block ball ammo at $14.95
Barrett M-107 50 cal sniper riffle rental $55.00/day ammo at 25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at $9.95
Crew members can double as spotters for $30.00 per hour (spotting scope included).
They even offer RPG's at $75.00 and $200.00 for 3 standard loads
"Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am."
Meals are not included but seem reasonable.
Most cruises offer a mini-bar... these gung ho entrepreneurs offer......... get this.....
"MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @ $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire"
They advertise group rates and corporate discounts..... and even claim "FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY"
They even offer partial money back if not satisfied.... here's some text from the ad.
"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund back half your money including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included). How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia . If an attempted Hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots. We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia . At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly. Reserve your package before May 31 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice."
As if all that isn't enough to whet your appetite, there were a few testimonials
"I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'LL never hunt big game in Africa again. I felt like the Komandant in Schindlers list!"---- Lars , Hamburg Germany
"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected. I bagged three pirates and my 12 yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun. PIRATES 0 -PASSENGERS-32! Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks English" ----Ned, Salt Lake City , Utah USA .
"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM Don't worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those weapons they use and their shitty aim--reminds me of a drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam " ----"chopper' Dan, Toledo USA .
"Like ducks in a barrel. They turned the ship around and we saw them bleed and cry in the water like little girls. Saw one wounded pirate eaten by sharks--what a laugh riot!! This is a must do. --- Zeke-Minnahaw Springs , Kentucky USA .

505-
What's the best thing about giving a naughty schoolgirl a damn jolly good spanking?
Being able to claim the £500 fee back on my MP's expenses.

506-
The credit crunch is worse than I thought:
I just got a letter from Readers Digest saying I had not been included in this month's prize draw.

507-
The MP's expenses scandal escalated again today after news that David Blunkett has claimed for a pair of new binoculars...

508-
I don't want to worry you but...
...is this just a sick coincidence ?? :
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs/humans around the globe.
It gets worse. Next year......
..........2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

509-
The last person to enter parliament with honest intentions was Guy Fawkes.

510-
The reason MPs try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

511-

512-
Andy Murray during the French Open: The most promising tennis player in Britain... come on, Andy!
Andy Murray after the French Open: Useless, goofy Scottish twat.

Susan Boyle during Britain's Got Talent: Worldwide-renowned British talent.
Susan Boyle after Britain's Got Talent: Deformed, brain-dead Scottish munter.

Gordon Brown before becoming PM: One-eyed, Scottish wanker.
Gordon Brown after becoming PM: One-eyed, Scottish wanker.

513-
Three things to ponder today:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
Cows:- Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls but they're unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
The Constitution:- They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
The Ten Commandments:- The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You can't read past "Thou Salt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shalt Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

514-
Don't steal – the Government hates competition".

515-
SOME THINGS MAKE SUCH GOOD SENSE in their simplicity........
A.. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
B.. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
C.. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
D.. In three generations, there will be no New Labour voters.

516-
1. Teaching maths in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all of his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government’s expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

517-
In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as English Weather.
Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as Muslim Weather.
In other words - partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

518-
I was checking my tax return form but I could not find the section for claiming for a new TV or for the plumber to come and fix my leaking shower or for a cleaner to hoover my carpets.
No, it’s definitely not on my tax form.
Ah I know, I’ve got a ‘working persons tax return’ form, what I need is an ‘MPs tax return’ form instead, silly me.

519-
The wax museum just acquired a very good wax figure of ex prez Bill Clinton. They had it arranged to show him in an authoritative stance in front of several staff members set on a stage made up like the oval office. After the figure had been on display for a couple of days, the museum employees were constantly having to go in and rezip Bill's zipper, it kept falling to the 'down' position. They even went so far as to sew it in place, but that too met with some foul play, and the zipper was found ripped loose and in the down position. So, to get to the bottom of this mystery, the museum installed a hidden camera to catch the culprit. They did. and it was more than just one. During the course of one day no less than 18 different women stepped into the exhibit, got down on their knees, unzipped that zipper then placed their head on 'his' trousers and had a friend snap their photo.

520-
Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of : 'ASYLUM'.
Today's programme features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
Hop on a boat and win a Housing Commission HOUSE!
We've already given away hundreds of millions of dollars and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor, The Australian Taxpayer.
And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid Australian Passport and, you only need one word of English: 'ASYLUM'
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at $800 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone - buy a ticket to Indonesia and catch the first available boat.
No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable.
All you need to do is destroy your papers or burn your boat.
Once you Enter Australian waters remember the magic password: 'ASYLUM'
A few years ago, 140 members of a Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to Indonesia’s gateway where agents were on hand to fast-track them to their boat trips to luxury accommodation . They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Australia .
Our popular destinations include Baxter’s Reef and the world famous Christmas Island resort. If you’re still unsure, there's no need to phone a friend or ask an audience -
Apply for legal aid. Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors here are waiting to help you. It won't cost you a cent. It could change your life forever. So play today.
Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil Tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas... all welcome
COME ON DOWN!
Get along to Indonesia Get along to the fishing ports Don't stop in Thailand or Bali Go straight to Australia
And you are:
GUARANTEED to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth.
Everyone's a winner, when they play 'ASYLUM'
FORWARD THIS TO EVERY AUSTRALIAN TAXPAYER YOU KNOW!

521-
You can't beat the wisdom of old people!
Earlier on I was talking to my grandad about the BNP. I said, "What is it that makes people hate like that?"
He said, "Poofs and blacks".

522-
On my home page of Facebook, I see they keep announcing that it is now available in 57 languages.
So now everyone in Britain can use it.

523-
What's the difference between paedophiles and politicians?
Politicians don't keep pictures of the little people they fuck.

524-
The Urine test
(This was written by a rig worker in the North Sea - What he says makes a lot of sense!)
I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to earn that pay cheque, I work on a rig for a drilling contractor. I am required to pass a random urine test for drugs and alcohol, with which I have no problem.
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.
Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a benefits cheque because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Please understand that I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their arse drinking beer and smoking dope.
Could you imagine how much money the government would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a benefit cheque?
Please pass this along if you agree or simply delete it if you don't.
Hope you will pass it along though, because something has to change in the UK , and soon!

525-
On Tuesday, I very reluctantly complied with an idiotic legal requirement to put up a No Smoking sign in the porch of our beautiful old church.
To balance things up, I put another sign underneath: Warning. If you smoke on these premises, God, who knows all, will forgive you. But the Government, who know nothing, will prosecute you (Book of Common Sense 3:1-4).

526-
At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.
His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.
"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight locomotives though."
"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a Prime Minister," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there ?" he said, pointing to 4472.
"That's already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."
"Oh Couldn't it be renamed ?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."
"I suppose it might be considered," said the consultant. "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."
"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then .. let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost ? We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal !"
Well, said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the 'F'."

527-
One evening recently, Gordon Brown couldn’t sleep, so he went out for a walk around a quiet London Town – well, quiet away from the bars and clubs. He turned onto the Embankment, by the River Thames, and started striding out, determined that, when he returned to 10 Downing Street, he would sleep – if only because of fatigue.
Not two minutes later, he was accosted by a mugger in a hoodie.
“Give us yer money!”
The Prime Minister replied – “Do you know who I am?”
“Facking Norah! Gordon Brown! Right – Give us OUR money, you thieving bastard!”

528-
The Post Office wanted to issue a stamp glorifying Gordon Brown, the Economic Saviour of the World [© Brown, G.]. It would be a picture of the Prime Minister, taken from his famous gurning clip on You Tube [‘You Tube if you want to’, according to a now-very-not-famous Miniature for Motorbiking]. Trials were launched, and the Post Office duly announced that the new stamp would be self-adhesive.
In the trials, the punters, allegedly, didn’t know which side they should spit on.

529-
And if – as seems likely, according to the polls – Gordon Brown is turfed out of Number Ten at the next General Election, what will be his longest lasting legacy to the British people?
A dysfunctional education system?
Hospitals that infect more patients than they cure?
A horrendous, decade-long, under-funding of Border Protection, which allowed millions into the UK?
Decimated Armed Forces, overwhelmed with disdain and Euro-centric purchasing, and left almost unable to fight their way out of a paper bag without someone invoking the bag’s ‘Yoomin Rites’?
A police and criminal justice system that emphasises surveillance, and box ticking, yet which doesn’t represent any deterrence to yobs or yobettes?
A crippling trillion-plus pound debt [largely wasted on Mobile Outreach Vomitoria, Professors of Rotational Medicine, jobs for the comrades, and such unwanted inflorescences of Public Life]?
No – disastrous, even catastrophic, as they are: none of these.
The ex-Chancellor and spendthrift, ex-Premier and referendum-denier, will [probably] be best – or longest, anyway – remembered for putting his predecessor – Phoney Tony Blur (remember him? – remember his grisly wife?) - onto the [totally unelected] throne of Yurp!

530
A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police. "Honest, I'm not a suicide bomber," he said. "I didn't say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins.
All I said was I'm dying to get laid!"

531-
As the manager of a small business that employs 80 people, I have finally resigned to the fact that someone from a political party I don't like is President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase. To compensate for the tax increases I figure our customers will have to see a price increase of about 8%, but due to the dismal state of our economy we can't increase prices right now, so we'll have to lay off seven of our employees instead. This problem has really been eating at me, as I believe we're all family here and I just don't know how to choose who will have to go. Everyone has families and our employees are good people.
So this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found seven campaign bumper stickers for the person who won on our employees' cars, and decided that these employees will be the first to be laid off. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. If you have a better idea, let me know.
Sincerely, a small business owner.

532-
NEW FIGURES SHOW SLIGHT INCREASE IN DEMAND FOR STUPID, POINTLESS SHIT.
BRITAIN could soon return to borrowing money from institutional loan sharks so it can buy shiny things to distract it from its desolate, meaningless existence, economists said last night.
If only there were still velociraptors. A range of statistics revealed the green shoots of a pointless recovery by the end of the year, which experts insisted was a virtual guarantee that no-one would learn anything at all.
The Royal Institution of Chartered Surveyors said house prices were on course to reach 'arbitrary' by December and could return to 'absurd' as early as next April.
Meanwhile the Chartered Institute of Purchasing and Supply said the country's vitally unimportant service sector was starting to pick up as more companies returned to bullshitting each other for £200 an hour.
Tom Logan, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "It's coming to an end just in the nick of time. The worst thing about a long, drawn-out recession is the danger that some people might actually start thinking about what it all means.
"If someone is unable to buy a shiny thing for more than, say, nine months, then you run the very real risk of them wondering if they even needed the shiny thing in the first place.
"At that point the house of cards collapses and people will be forced to grow their own vegetables, learn how to play a home-made musical instrument and have actual thoughts.
"And once a person starts having thoughts they are just one small step away from having a conversation that is not utterly fucking stupid.
"The only way we can put an end to the risk of thoughts is to make sure there are no more recessions. But of course we can't do that because we haven't had time to learn anything."
He added: "Have you seen G. I. Joe? Fantastic. I liked the bit where the thing explodes."

533-
It has just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to many US presidents.
When interviewed, the elderly, Caucasian gardener protested his innocence and said, "All I know is I was walking past the Oval Office and I yelled out to my assistants, "Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe."
The next thing I knew I was fired.

534-
Every Town in England needs a Chief like this.
A maverick mayor elected after promising to slash council spending, clear the streets of yobs and ditch politically correct services is the torchbearer for how towns should be run.
On his first morning as Mayor of Doncaster in South Yorkshire, Peter Davies cut his salary from £73,000 to £30,000 then closed the council's newspaper for "peddling politics on the rates".
Now three weeks into his job, Mr Davies is pressing ahead with plans he hopes will see the number of town councillors cut from 63 to just 21, saving taxpayers £800,000.
Mr Davies said: "If 100 senators can run the United States of America, I can't see how 63 councillors are needed to run Doncaster".
He has withdrawn Doncaster from the Local Government Association and the Local Government Information Unit, saving another £200,000. Mr Davies said, "They are just talking shops".
"Doncaster is in for some serious un-twinning. We are twinned with probably nine other cities around the world and they are just for people to fly off and have a binge at the council's expense".
The mayor's chauffeur-driven car has also been axed by Mr Davies and the driver given another job. Mr Davies, born and bred in Doncaster, swept to power in the May election with 24,244 votes as a candidate for the English Democrats, a party that wants tight immigration curbs, an English Parliament and a law forcing every public building to fly the flag of St. George.
He has promised to end council funding for Doncaster's International Women's Day, Black History Month and the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender History Month.
He said, "Politicians have got completely out of touch with what people want.
"We need to cut costs. I want to pass on some savings I make in reduced taxes and use the rest for things we really need, like improved children's services".
Mr Davies has received messages from well wishers across the country and abroad as news of his no-nonsense approach spreads.
Now it's your chance to spread this most sensible way to run a town council.

535-
The Government advises us not to give our money to beggars, as they'll only waste it on drink and drugs.
The very same Government gives billions of pounds of our money to bankers, who award themselves huge bonuses, which they waste on drink and drugs.

536-
The government tell us that if people are living longer then in a few years there is going to be a massive pension crisis.
But then they also are targeting obesity "because millions run the risk of an early death."
So where exactly is the problem?

537-
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa '' his response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG) =0 A
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.''
(Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois20 Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a. m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a. m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?'' =0 A
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Alaska who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

538-
The British Solution to Save Petrol
Gordon Brown wants us to cut the amount of petrol we use.....
The best way to stop using so much petrol is to deport 3 million illegal immigrants!
That would be 3 million less people using our petrol. The price of petrol would come down.....
Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Channel....
When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Channel, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq ....
Tell him if he wants to come to Britain then he must serve a tour in the military....
Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.....
After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.....
He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.... .
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.. ....
If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.....
Problem solved....
If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to your friends. .........
I just did.........

539-
Saw this news item on the BBC;
"The Royal Mail is celebrating 200 years of its iconic red postboxes with a special set of commemorative stamps.
The stamps feature the traditional wall boxes which are no longer made. These were a smaller, cheaper alternative to pillar boxes and were mostly used to serve the needs of smaller rural communities. During the reign of George V, wall boxes were manufactured in London and in Glasgow. From 1952 to 1980, they shared the manufacture of the cast-iron boxes with Kirkintilloch and Falkirk.
The Royal Mail stopped using the traditional wall boxes in 1980, replacing them with the free-standing lamp boxes. Today these, and all other types of pillar boxes, are made by just one company, Machan Engineering in Denny.
Their pillar boxes are cast at Ballantynes in Boness and the lamp boxes at Specialist Castings in Denny and both are built and dressed at Machan.
Each box is made by hand and the process has changed very little over the years."
Ahhhhhhh. How traditional, I thought.
And then I wondered - what on Earth was the matter with pillar boxes?
I mean: -
They're British.
We actually invented them.
They demand skill and experience to make.
They've been around for 150 years - invented by the author Anthony Trollope.
They don't need replacing every three years or so.
They're recognised world-wide.
They're now traditional.
We make them.
They work.
And yet . . . .
Nu Labour hadn't seen fit to ensure post boxes were modernised [a word that now is defined as 'utterly fucked up beyond belief by back of the envelope changes made on a whim, simply to gain a cheap headline' - see: agriculture, planning, industry, transportation, education, police, crime and punishment, the Armed Services, Local Government, the House of Lords, MP's expenses, the Civil Service, the whole constitution, the economy, the demographics of the UK, the England cricket team [unless they get the Ashes back!], the weather, etc. etc. ad nauseum].
Then - like a bolt from the blue - I realised; the manufacture of post boxes supports an entire constituency in Scotland.
A constituency that - purely coincidentally -voted Nu-Labour last time.
So. "Elementary, my dear Watson."

540-
Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.
In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.
Barack drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like bull shit!'
The doctor replied, 'It was. You were a quart low.'

541-
Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment.
This is a very exciting new program.
I will explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment? A It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q. Where will the government get this money? A From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen. Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs or Venezeula.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes (or male escorts), or
4 beer, or
5 tattoos..
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)
So to spend your stimulus wisely, go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute (or male escort) that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

542-
THIS IS LABOUR GOVERNMENT

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END

LABOUR GOVERNMENT: THE UK VERSION
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall overcome'.
Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK .
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain 's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a government minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom .
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END

543-
Gordon Brown has just visited the Children's Cancer Ward at Great Ormond Street Hospital.
As if having cancer wasn't bad enough.

544-
Why is it that the only people that know how to run this country are either driving taxis or cutting hair?

545-
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian goes "fuck off, you won't bring it back."
The man sues the council for the trauma caused to him by a council employee telling him to fuck off, arguing that he was thinking of committing suicide and this nearly pushed him over the edge. He wins £3 million in damages.
The librarian is sacked, then sues the council for unfair dismissal because they failed to take into account his traumatised state of mind after breaking up with his girlfriend and his granny's death five years ago. He wins £2 million, is reinstated, then signs off sick for the next five years.
The council has to close the library, because of a hole in its budget caused by the £5 million in damages and £10 million in expenses. Your Council Tax is raised by £150 per year to cover this. David Cameron makes a speech about wasteful councils, Gordon Brown promises a full public enquiry and the Daily Mail says its all the fault of working class slappers getting pregnant at 15.
THE END

546-
Let me see if I understand all this...
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE BRITISH BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, PENSION CARD, WELFARE, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE
Oh well sure. That makes sense.

547-

I just signed my dog up for welfare payments. He should be eligible!
He's black, lazy, can't speak English & has no fucking idea who his father is...

548-
What do Gordon Brown and Adolf Hitler have in common?
Nothing.
Hitler was voted in to power................
and people actually liked him.

549-
I don't really care about the BNP.
I'm dyslexic and I'll slag anyone off, regardless of the colour of their sink.

550-
The economy is so bad.
------------that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
The economy is so bad,
------------I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
The economy is so bad
------------that CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad
------------if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds", you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
The economy is so bad
------------Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
The economy is so bad
------------parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
The economy is so bad
-------------a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
The economy is so bad
------------Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad
------------people in Africa are donating money to Americans.
The economy is so bad
-----------Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad
-------------Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen

551-
Albania's economy was plunged into crisis today as their donkey died.

552-
Don't normally do chain letters but this is one thing I do believe in. "When in Rome"
This goes for SCOTLAND, WALES & IRELAND TOO !!
I think this really sums it all up.
After hearing that . . . many cities did not want to offend other cultures by putting up Xmas lights, so DIDN'T!
After learning that . . . the British Red Cross shops were instructed not to display Christmas decorations lest they cause offence. (A move which cost them my support thereafter.) After hearing that . . . the Birmingham council changed its opinion and let a Muslim woman have her picture on her driver's licence with her face covered. You try it!
After hearing of . . . a Primary School in Birmingham where pupils were told that for PE they could wear Football League shirts (Aston Villa, Birmingham, West Brom etc) but NOT an England shirt as it could offend others !
This prompted the editorial below written by a UK citizen and published in a British newspaper.
IMMIGRANTS. NOT BRITONS, MUST ADAPT.
Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on London , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Brits.
However, the dust from the attacks has barely settled and the 'politically correct' crowd begin complaining about the possibility that our patriotism is offending others.
I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Britain . However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently, some born here, need to understand.
This idea of England being a multicultural centre for community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Britons, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of wars, struggles, trials and victories fought by the untold masses of men and women who laid down their lives and of the millions of men and women who have sought freedom.
We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!
If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.. If St.. George's cross offends you, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet.
We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this.
But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our National Motto, or Our Way of Life, I encourage you take advantage of one other great British freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.
We didn't force you to come here. If you don't like it GO HOME!!
You asked to be here.. So accept the country that accepted YOU. Pretty easy really, when you think about it..
If we all keep passing this to our friends (and enemies) it will also, sooner or later get back to the complainers. Lets all try, please.
No matter how many times you receive it... please forward it to all you know.

553-
In her book, Hillary says that when Clinton finally admitted to her about the affair, she says, 'She could hardly breathe and was gulping for air.'
I'm sorry, that's Monica's book.

554-
News Bulletin ~ Coming soon - The Aspirin Tax
Labour is going to impose a 40% tax on Aspirin!
Why, you ask..?
Well, primarily because it’s WHITE and it WORKS!

555-
It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....
On this particular day, a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism. And that is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

556-
JOE LEGAL vs. JOSE ILLEGAL
You have two families: "Joe Legal" and "Jose Illegal". Both families have two parents, two children, and live in California .
Joe Legal works in construction, has a Social Security Number and makes $25.00 per hour with taxes deducted.
Jose Illegal also works in construction, has NO Social Security Number, and gets paid $15.00 cash "under the table".
Ready? Now pay attention...
Joe Legal: $25.00 per hour x 40 hours = $1000.00 per week, or $52,000.00 per year. Now take 30% away for state and federal tax; Joe Legal now has $31,231.00.
Jose Illegal: $15.00 per hour x 40 hours = $600.00 per week, or $31,200.00 per year. Jose Illegal pays no taxes. Jose Illegal now has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays medical and dental insurance with limited coverage for his family at $600.00 per month, or $7,200.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $24,031.00.
Jose Illegal has full medical and dental coverage through the state and local clinics at a cost of $0.00 per year. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal makes too much money and is not eligible for food stamps or welfare. Joe Legal pays $500.00 per month for food, or $6,000.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $18,031.00.
Jose Illegal has no documented income and is eligible for food stamps and welfare. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays rent of $1,200.00 per month, or $14,400.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $9,631.00.
Jose Illegal receives a $500.00 per month federal rent subsidy. Jose Illegal pays out that $500.00 per month, or $6,000.00 per year. Jose Illegal still has $ 31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays $200.00 per month, or $2,400.00 for insurance. Joe Legal now has $7,231.00.
Jose Illegal says, "We don't need no stinkin' insurance!" and still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal has to make his $7,231.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, etc.
Jose Illegal has to make his $31,200.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, and what he sends out of the country every month.
Joe Legal now works overtime on Saturdays or gets a part time job after work.
Jose Illegal has nights and weekends off to enjoy with his family.
Joe Legal's and Jose Illegal's children both attend the same school. Joe Legal pays for his children's lunches while Jose Illegal's children get a government sponsored lunch. Jose Illegal's children have an after school ESL program. Joe Legal's children go home.
Joe Legal and Jose Illegal both enjoy the same police and fire services, but Joe paid for them and Jose did not pay.
Do you get it, now?
If you vote for or support any politician that supports illegal aliens...
You are part of the problem!

557-
Geoff Buff, called ‘Hoon’, one of the greatest [full-time] [UK] Defence Secretaries of the last decade, unfortunately dies, falling from his ego to his IQ.
On arrival at the pearly gates, he is greeted by, not St. Peter, but an obscure minion, certainly not an angel, let alone the Archangel that our subject had expected. [Had he not been an important man, able to gaze on Tony B. Liar at weekly cabinet meetings? Had he not been able to have his budget adjusted by that [admittedly, self-proclaimed] financial genius, Gordon ‘everything turns to’ Brown? Had he not sat at hustings with John ‘Incomprehensible’ Prescott, and with Mad ‘Hattie’ Harperson? Not at the same time, obviously, or in the same city, but, nevertheless . . .
‘This way, this way,’ said the obviously rushed cherub.
‘Get your wings and harp here!’
The one called Buff Hoon was a little surprised; he had lately surmised that known association with the Pope-correcting B.Liar might not have stood him in good stead in heavenly places. Nonetheless, he collected a decent set of wings, and a good harp.
‘Halo.’
Buff Hoon collected, as directed, a halo, donned it, and tilted it a little over one eye, as he had worn his cap at his – selective - High School.
‘And for you, do, Mr. Buff, please, collect a backbone. When she arrives, Mrs. Thatcher will insert it for you!’

558-
G.B. – a history of the UK in two initials.

Gloriously Britannic.
Generally Beneficent.
Great Britain.

Gorgeous Blair.
Grandly Brilliant.
Grandiosely Belligerent.

Geoff Buff-Hoon
Genuinely Back-bone-less.
Grinning Benignly

Gaping Bordered.
Giddily Benefit-doling.
Grievously Broke.

Guilty Buggers.
Greedy Bankers.
Greatly Bonused.

Guilty Bastards.
Gormless B-liar.
GoldmanSachs Bunking.

Gloomily BountifulGordon Brown.
Grandly Bust.

Gone-down-the-pan Britain.
Gordon Brown.
Gameplan Brought-about.

559-
We must limit politicians to two terms: …. one in office and one in jail.

560-
Q. What have Peter Robinson and an IKEA piece of furniture got in common?
A. One bad screw and your whole cabinet falls apart !!

561-

562-
BBC News report: "Prime Minister Gordon Brown issues a warning over football finances by saying some club debts are "too high". "
They'd better listen to him. He knows. By Pele and Keegan and Rooney - he knows!
Yes, this is the very same Gordon Brown, the man who borrowed a Trillion Pounds - and squandered it!
"The management of clubs must look seriously at their responsibilities to their supporters," said Mr Brown.
Might the electorate say something similar about the responsibilities of Governments to their citizens?
"The Government of our nation must look critically at their responsibilities to their compatriots."
How does that fit? Yes, these are the same citizens - and their children and grand-children - who will be paying Brown's Bills for generations!

563-
This teacher is truly a genius! As the late Adrian Rogers said, "you cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."
An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan". All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A. After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F. The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.
Could not be any simpler than that.

564-
Senior Health Care Solution So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care or pension for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 MP’s and 2 Senior Government Officials.. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!

565-
Press Release - Suicide Bombers THREAT OF STRIKE ACTION
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr.. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.
Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway"
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has also been put down to the emergence of Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like they're not so keen on going to paradise.

566-
Susan MacAllen is a contributing editor for (FamilySecurityMatters. org) Salute the Danish Flag - it's a Symbol of Western Freedom By Susan MacAllen
In 1978-9 I was living and studying in Denmark . But in 1978 - even in Copenhagen, one didn't see Muslim immigrants
The Danish population embraced visitors, celebrated the exotic, went out of its way to protect each of its citizens. It was proud of its new brand of socialist liberalism one in development since the conservatives had lost power in 1929 - a system where no worker had to struggle to survive, where one ultimately could count upon the state as in, perhaps, no other western nation at the time.
The rest of Europe saw the Scandinavians as free-thinking, progressive and infinitely generous in their welfare policies. Denmark boasted low crime rates, devotion to the environment, a superior educational system and a history of humanitarianism.
Denmark was also most generous in its immigration policies – it offered the best welcome in Europe to the new immigrant: generous welfare payments from first arrival plus additional perks in transportation, housing and education. It was determined to set a world example for inclusiveness and multiculturalism. How could it have predicted that one day in 2005 a series of political cartoons in a newspaper would spark violence that would leave dozens dead in the streets -all because its commitment to multiculturalism would come back to bite?
By the 1990's the growing urban Muslim population was obvious - and its unwillingness to integrate into Danish society was obvious. Years of immigrants had settled into Muslim-exclusive enclaves. As the Muslim leadership became more vocal about what they considered the decadence of Denmark's liberal way of life, the Danes - once so welcoming - began to feel slighted. Many Danes had begun to see Islam as incompatible with their long-standing values: belief in personal liberty and free speech, inequality for women, intolerance for other ethnic groups, and a deep pride in Danish heritage and history.
An article by Daniel Pipes and Lars Hedegaard, in which they forecasted, accurately, that the growing immigrant problem in Denmark would explode. In the article they reported: 'Muslim immigrants constitute 5 percent of the population but consume upwards of 40 percent of the welfare spending.' 'Muslims are only 4 percent of Denmark's 5.4 million people but make up a majority of the country's convicted rapists, an especially combustible issue given that practically all the female victims are non-Muslim. Similar, if lesser, disproportions are found in other crimes.
'Over time, as Muslim immigrants increase in numbers, they wish less to mix with the indigenous population. A recent survey finds that only 5 percent of young Muslim immigrants would readily marry a Dane.'
'Forced marriages - promising a newborn daughter in Denmark to a male cousin in the home country, then compelling her to marry him, sometimes on pain of death - are one problem'
'Muslim leaders openly declare their goal of introducing Islamic law once Denmark's Muslim population grows large enough - a not-that-remote prospect. If present trends persist, one sociologist estimates, every third inhabitant of Denmark in 40 years will be Muslim.'
It is easy to understand why a growing number of Danes would feel that Muslim immigrants show little respect for Danish values and laws. An example is the phenomenon common to other European countries and Canada: some Muslims in Denmark who opted to leave the Muslim faith have been murdered in the name of Islam, while others hide in fear for their lives. Jews are also threatened and harassed openly by Muslim leaders in Denmark, a country where once Christian citizens worked to smuggle out nearly all of their 7,000 Jews by night to Sweden - before the Nazis could invade. I think of my Danish friend Elsa - who. as a teenager. had dreaded crossing the street to the bakery every morning under the eyes of occupying Nazi soldiers - and I wonder what she would say today.
In 2001, Denmark elected the most conservative government in some 70 years - one that had some decidedly non-generous ideas about liberal unfettered immigration. Today Denmark has the strictest immigration policies in Europe. ( Its effort to protect itself has been met with accusations of 'racism' by liberal media across Europe - even as other governments struggle to right the social problems wrought by years of too-lax immigration.)
If you wish to become Danish, you must attend three years of language classes. You must pass a test on Denmark 's history, culture, and a Danish language test.
You must live in Denmark for 7 years before applying for citizenship.
You must demonstrate an intent to work, and have a job waiting. If you wish to bring a spouse into Denmark , you must both be over 24 years of age, and you won't find it so easy anymore to move your friends and family to Denmark with you.
You will not be allowed to build a mosque in Copenhagen . Although your children have a choice of some 30 Arabic culture and language schools in Denmark, they will be strongly encouraged to assimilate to Danish society in ways that past immigrants weren't.
In 2006, the Danish minister for employment, Claus Hjort Frederiksen, spoke publicly of the burden of Muslim immigrants on the Danish welfare system, and it was horrifying: the government's welfare committee had calculated that if immigration from Third World countries were blocked, 75 percent of the cuts needed to sustain the huge welfare system in coming decades would be unnecessary. In other words, the welfare system, as it existed, was being exploited by immigrants to the point of eventually bankrupting the government. 'We are simply forced to adopt a new policy on immigration'.
'The calculations of the welfare committee are terrifying and show how unsuccessful the integration of immigrants has been up to now,' he said.
A large thorn in the side of Denmark's imams is the Minister of Immigration and Integration, Rikke Hvilshoj. She makes no bones about the new policy toward immigration, 'The number of foreigners coming to the country makes a difference,' Hvilshoj says, 'There is an inverse correlation between how many come here and how well we can receive the foreigners that come.' And on Muslim immigrants needing to demonstrate a willingness to blend in, 'In my view, Denmark should be a country with room for different cultures and religions. Some values, however, are more important than others. We refuse to question democracy, equal rights, and freedom of speech.'
Hvilshoj has paid a price for her show of backbone. Perhaps to test her resolve, the leading radical imam in Denmark, Ahmed Abdel Rahman Abu Laban, demanded that the government pay blood money to the family of a Muslim who was murdered in a suburb of Copenhagen, stating that the family's thirst for revenge could be thwarted for money. When Hvilshoj dismissed his demand, he argued that in Muslim culture the payment of retribution money was common, to which Hvilshoj replied that what is done in a Muslim country is not necessarily what is done in Denmark.
The Muslim reply came soon after: her house was torched while she, her husband and children slept. All managed to escape unharmed, but she and her family were moved to a secret location and she and other ministers were assigned bodyguards for the first time - in a country where such murderous violence was once so scarce.
Her government has slid to the right, and her borders have tightened. Many believe that what happens in the next decade will determine whether Denmark survives as a bastion of good living, humane thinking and social responsibility, or whether it becomes a nation at civil war with supporters of Sharia law.
And meanwhile, Canadians clamour for stricter immigration policies, and demand an end to state welfare programs that allow many immigrants to live on the public dole. As we in Canada look at the enclaves of Muslims amongst us, and see those who enter our shores too easily, dare live on our taxes, yet refuse to embrace our culture, respect our traditions, participate in our legal system, obey our laws, speak our language, appreciate our history.. we would do well to look to Denmark , and say a prayer for her future and for our own..
If you agree with this article, then please pass it on.

567-
NU-LABOUR’S ELECTION SLOGANS and their unwritten sub-texts.

1. ENSURING THE RECOVERY of our electoral fortunes, reimbursed expenses and the jobs-for-the-boys-and-girls culture
2. PROTECTING FRONT-LINE SERVICES, including diversity outreach coordinators and walking bus team managers, but not the Army, Navy and Air Force, who have to do our dirty work in Iraq and Afghanistan – and maybe the Falklands, too!
3. STANDING UP FOR THE MANY millions of immigrants we’ve let in without telling you – no and making sure they get their 'rights'!
4. PROTECTING FUTURE JOBS AND NEW INDUSTRIES, like rice farmer, rickshaw driver and immigrant labourer – the ones you’re going to have, not First World jobs you have now.

And a dig: -

THE TORIES WANT TO KICK AWAY THE LADDERS OF OPPORTUNITY – but we closed the grammar schools and we devalued GCSEs and A Levels to spin better educational achievements, to create a client class too dumb to believe anything except what we tell them – and we ran up Brown’s Bills in their four-digit Billions!

568-
Barak Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine that can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each. Barak goes first. "What will the USA be like in 100 years time" The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict. The economy is healthy. There are no worries" Gordon thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks "What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?" The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he's just staring at it. "Come on Gordon" says Barak, "What does it say" Gordon replies, "Fucked if I know! It's all in Arabic!"

569-
This is a genuine letter sent to Rt. Hon. D. Milliband, MP, Secretary of State for DEFRA. When interviewed by The Times, the Johnson-Hill family stated they are not expecting a reply any time soon.
Rt Hon David Miliband MP Secretary of State. Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA), Nobel House
17 Smith Square London SW1P 3JR
16 July 2009
Dear Secretary of State,
My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.
In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.
I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?
As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?
My friend is very satisfied with this business.. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.
If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?
Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?
I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?
In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.
Yours faithfully, Nigel Johnson-Hill.

570-
I bought a bird feeder.. I hung it on my patio and filled it lovingly with seed... It was indeed a beautiful bird feeder. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.
But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue..
Then came the bird shit. It was everywhere; on the patio tiles, the chairs, the table .... everywhere!
Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.
And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio..
Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal....
Now let's see ....... Brown & our government give out free food, subsidised housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.
Then the illegals came by the millions. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for the free services; small flats are housing 5 or more families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by a doctor in an emergency surgery because it is filled with illegal non tax payers; your child's year 12 class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.
Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than 'The Union Jack' are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.
Its just my opinion but: maybe, just maybe, it's time for the government to take down the damn bird feeder. If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the shit!

571-
Abu al-Zarqawi died and George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defence!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.
As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Al- Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

572-
Two new warships commissioned today - big celebrations!

The USS Obama
Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective... ENORMOUS! BEAUTIFUL!
Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement with an area of 45 acres
Capability
Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refuelling
1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2 Carries over 80 combat aircraft
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28 - ton aircraft going at 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet
Size
1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 sq ft capacity
7. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
8. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
9. 18,150 meals served daily
10. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes
11. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
12. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets
13. Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation
14. Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway operations (Sailor's salaries included).

The HMS Gordon Brown
Headed for Newcastle, the British Navy welcomed the latest member of its fleet today.
The HMS Gordon Brown set sail today from its homeport of Skegness.

The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to Prime Minister Brown for his foresight in military budget cuts and his conduct while Prime Minister.
The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminium cans and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) (ex US Navy) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) (ex USAF) F18 Hornet aircraft, which, although they cannot be launched or captured on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.
As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board because of health & safety.
The 20-person crew is completely diversified, including members of all races, creeds, sex, and sexual orientation.
The crew, hand-picked from the Civil Service, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of Britain at all costs!
An on-board Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find Britain offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.
The ship's purpose is not defined so much as a unit of national defence, but instead in times of conflict, the HMS Gordon Brown has orders to seek refuge in Blackpool.
The ship may be positioned near the Labour Party Headquarters for photo-ops.

We should all be very proud...

573-
Here's a new exciting game
It is called: "Bullshit Bingo":
1. Before Gordon Brown’s next televised speech, prepare your "Bullshit Bingo" card by drawing a square -- I find that 5" x 5" is a good size -- and dividing it into columns -- five across and five down. That will give you 25 1-inch squares.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
· Restored our reputation · Strategic fit · Let me be clear · Make no mistake · Back from the brink · Signs of recovery · Economic growth · Benchmark · Job creation · Fiscal restraint ·Health care · Empower · Greed of banks · At the end of the day · Caring for the poorest · In Real Terms · Mindset · Ballpark · Game plan · Leverage · Relief for working families · Sound policies · Building a better Britain · Families better off · Tax Improvements
3. During Gordon Brown’s speech, check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five squares horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"
Testimonials from past satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:
"I’d been listening to the speech for only five minutes when I won." - Jack W., Barnsley
My attention span during speeches has improved dramatically. – Eddie Crispbread., Fakenham
"What a gas! Speeches will never be the same for me, after my first win." – Craig Scott, Salford
“The atmosphere was tense in the last speech as 14 of us were all waiting for the fifth box." - Ben G., Dover
"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed "BULLSHIT!" for the thirteenth time in under two hours." – Crispin Blunt. Conservative party.

574-
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?
I bet you were all going to say "A wonky"?
This is Britain for fuck's sake, the correct answer is:
"Eligible for benefits".

575-
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs.
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello... Hello!' she shouted. 'Can you hear me?'
There was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing; 'Vote for GORDON BROWN, vote for GORDON BROWN'
Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive.

576-
Bet that's got the French - oh! no, wrong, Obama likes the French, it's the Yankees and rednecks he hates.
His idol is Gordon Brown - destroying a country from within; now, with this "I won't be any nastier to you than you are to me" defence policy, I assume the Canadian hordes will soon descend on a defenceless lower 48 - with their catapults! They'll take Washington within a week, and Obama will be toast if the Canadians bring their weather with them ......

577-
What's the difference between An African Elephant and Tony Blair?
One is a big savannah mammal with a grasping trunk, and the other has got much bigger ears, a trunk full of money, and a grasping wife.

578-
Forecasters say there may be three more weeks of poisonous outfall making life miserable for most of the UK. I for one will be glad when the election campaign is over.

579-
I'm voting for the Icelandic Volcano Party... It's done more to stop immigration in the last 5 days, than Labour has done in the last 10 years!

580-
Do you think Gordon Brown's arse gets jealous about the amount of shit that constantly comes out of his mouth?

581-
Gordon Brown is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to the child and says, 'What's in the box sonny?' To which the little boy says, 'Kittens, They're brand new kittens.'
Gordon Brown laughs and says, 'What kind of kittens are they? 'Socialists', the child says.
'Oh that's lovely, 'Gordon smiles and he runs off.
A couple of days later Gordon is running with his colleague Tony Blair and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Gordon says to Tony, 'Watch this.' and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
Gordon says, 'Look in the box Tony, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Och aye laddie, tell my friend Tony what kind of kittens they are.'
The boy replies, 'They're Tories.'
'What?' Gordon says, 'I jogged by here the other day and you said they were Socialists. What's changed? 'Well, 'the lad says, 'Their eyes are open now.'

582-
People are so unfair on the Labour Party.
They have so many good ideas and policies to bring a brighter future to Britain yet voters seem determined to judge them on their last 13 years of government.

583-
Gordon Brown has promised to keep one eye on the Economy and one eye on the Immigration problem.
I can't help but notice a major flaw in your plan there, Gordon.

584-
I was working at my local polling station last week and had to turn a lot of people away
Stupid women thinking they're allowed to vote.

585-
Knock knock ......
Who's there ? ......
David ......
David Who ? ......
Gordon open the fucking door and get out of my house.

586-
Westminster police have confirmed that a crazed Scottish man has barricaded himself in a large terraced house and is holding over 60 million people hostage.

587-
I'm sure you will agree the whole country owes a huge debt for what Gordon Brown has done as prime minister and chancellor.

588-
What's the difference between Nick Griffin and a bus?
A bus has got seats.

589-
SKY NEWS:- "Northern Ireland's First Minister Loses Seat."
He'll probably just claim it back on his expenses form.

590-
Nick Clegg has changed his Facebook relationship status to: "it's complicated"

591-
Investigators have found a design fault with Nigel Farage's crashed aircraft - two right wings.

592-
According to the latest opinion poll, 10 per cent of Britons are giving Gordon Brown’s economic policy the thumbs up.
The other 90 per cent are using a different finger.

593-
Recession is when your neighbour loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. Recovery is when Gordon Brown loses his.

594-
I'm glad to see that the voting system works. I voted for no one, and no one won.

595-
Gordon brown once again was caught out by leaving his mic on. He was heard saying
"HAHAHA, try and fix that you cunts"
as he left number 10 for the last time.

596-
'Queen Appoints new Leader David Cameron'
Good luck singing bohemian rhapsody.

597-
I just walked into my local corner shop.
The Paki behind the counter said to me, "How exciting, we've got a new Prime Minister."
I said, "What a coincidence, we've got a new one too."

598-
Unbelievable. Tories in power for less than half an hour and already a Scottish family is unemployed and homeless.

599-
Teacher asked Little Johnny to give an example of Political correctness.
"Conservatives and Liberal Democrats in a coalition Government, Miss" he replies.
"That's not really the answer I was looking for" says the Teacher.
"Its not the answer the fucking country was looking for either".

600-
President Barack Obama called new British Prime Minister David Cameron Tuesday to congratulate him on his successful campaign. In a statement released by the White House, President Obama said he emphasized the “special relationship”.
It would have been a more interesting conversation if Nick Griffin had won.

601-

602-
Daily Mirror: David Cameron is our 53rd Prime Minister - but for how long?
Forever, because the next'll be the 54th... dickhead.

603-
Type "David Cameron Side View" into Google images and check out the "drawing shows a side view" result.

604-
David Cameron wants all English towns and cities to have a triple barrelled name like Kingston-on-Thames or Stoke-on-Trent.
It'll go down really well in Middlesbrough-on-Benefits.

605-
As I reflect on 2010 so far, I can say we've had a great year . . . the English are happy - one D. Cameron was elected - well, elected-ish (c) N. Clegg. Scots [and Welsh] are happy, John Terry is being divorced, and England haven't won the World Cup [yet . . .]. Tories are happy; Gordon Everything-turns-to-Brown has left office and is retiring to commune with Nature. Labour are happy: people will stop blaming them for everything that goes wrong, from the economy and the weather (this is England), to the football results, the price of cheese, the baby's wind, the war in Afghanistan, the dog breaking the wife's vase - and the weather (yeah - it's still England!). Widespread Joy! And all of us are so astonishingly happy; the [please - insert pejorative adjectives of your choice] election [and negotiation] is finally over! Two more months of that, and about sixty million of us would have emigrated to Somalia - no functioning Government, no Civil Service, and so no elections - for the last 20 years!!
Joy unconfined. I think the rest of 2010 will be even better. Immediately after kissing hands to take office, this very month, even if it has Bank Holidays, Call-me-Dave will balance the budget by cutting taxes, single-handedly revive the economy, solve the housing affordability and value problems, pay off our mortgages, and our season ticket loans, which keep railway workers in caviar and champagne and catamites; solve the lack-of-industry problem; solve our fuel/alternative energy problem; get a full rebate from the EU - back-dated to 1973, with interest, at 4% over the Bank of England's Base Rate!; ban rain at weekends and all blizzards [except for Scotland, as they can't be deprived of their `victim' status, ever - that would be pernicious racism]; stop identity theft, street thefts, copyright theft, public drunkenness, drug dealing, litter and acne; make people everywhere, even within Manchester, love Manchester United; restore faith in public statistics [Nu-Lab made up 92.473% of all the public statistics published in their last term of office, 99.836% of which were 'very favourable' to Nu-Labour]; and reverse Anthropogenic Global Warming - or avert the Imminent Next Ice Age (whichever is happening this week). Oh!! Joy unbounded! He will then find - a cure for cancer, Osama bin Laden, Lord Lucan, the Eleven Lost Tribes of Israel, a solution to the Riemann Hypothesis, your Aunty's keys, the Loch Ness Monster (christened Nessiteras rhombopteryx by a Scot), and - of course - Shergar; solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict so they live side-by-side, in perfect harmony, for ever and ever; get rid of corruption in government, incompetence in national and local administration, weight-gain in pregnancy, and burbling in inebriation; and achieve world peace on a planet where everyone, naturally, is fed, educated, and has an i-Phone, and no `Unresolved Issues'. Joy Illimitable and Everlasting!!!
Then, after relaxing over morning coffee, and, alright, perhaps not quite managing the bit about that penny-ante soccer club up North, Call-me-Dave will rest.

606-
The Iron Lady returns to No 10'
No more creased shirts for Cameron then.

607-
It makes a nice change for the oil to be invading America for once.

608-
A Brief Review of World History - As it Really Happened
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to irritate them.

609-
You Might Be Taliban If: ...You refine heroin for a living but have a moral objection to beer.
...You own a $300 assault rifle and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
...You have more wives than teeth.
...You think vests only come in two styles: Bullet-Proof and Suicide.
...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.
...You've used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr.
...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry live ammunition in your robe.
...You've ever been asked, 'Does this burka make my ass look fat?'
...You believe the Quran is the divine word of Allah, worth dying for, but yet you don't know how to read.
...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
...You've ever uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave'.
...You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean'.
...You've ever said, 'I'd Walk a Mile for a Camel' and you don't smoke.
...You get excited over T&A, only to you it means 'Toes and Ankles'.

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