Miscellaneous Short 3
871-
A new wine for seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.
872-
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
873-
What can a woman break if she crosses her legs?
Your Glasses
874-
Why do Mafia members hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
They hate ALL witnesses.
875-
Corny Pick Up Lines
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs.... what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
My friend wants to know if YOU think I'm cute?
876-
Best 20 ways to tell someone that their flies are open.
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.
877-
How can you tell if a woman has used a vibrator during pregnancy?
The kid stutters!
878-
Three pregnant women are sitting chatting and knitting sweaters for their expected kids.
The first one says "I hope that I have a baby boy, because I'm knitting a blue sweater."
The second says " Well I hope that I have a girl because I'm knitting a pink sweater."
The third woman says "I hope my kid is a spastic, because I've fucked up the arms."
879-
Q: What's the difference between a sewing machine and a girl jogging?
A: A sewing machine only has one bobbin.
880
I'm kinda depressed right now because we had to put Grandpa in a rest home.
Well, not actually: We didn't have the money.
So we drove down the turnpike and put him in a rest area.
881-
"Darling," murmured the girl to her boyfriend, "when did you first realize that you were in love with me?"
"Well, I suppose," whispered the man tenderly, "it was when I started getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were a lousy lay."
882-
Q: What's the first thing a woman should do when she gets out of the battered
womens' shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.
883-Two
tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanhyfryddawelllehynafolybaarcudprindanfygythiadtrienusyrhafnauole, they stopped for lunch and one of them asked the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The blonde waitress leaned over and enunciated beautifully: "Burrr-gurrr Kinngg..."
884-
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the hottest girl he sees
"Hi the names Bond" he says
"Let me guess, James Bond" replies the girl
"No" he says" Unibond ~ I'm here to fill your crack"
885-
I'm not saying she's easy, but her pantyhose has a cat flap built in.
886-
Elephant Stew Recipe
Cut one elephant into small bite-size pieces. This should take about 2 months.
Add enough gravy to cover.
Season to taste.
Cook for about 4 weeks at 465 degrees.
This will serve 3,800 people. If more are expected, 2 rabbits may be added.
Do this only if absolutely necessary since most people do not like to find hare in their elephant stew.
887-
I can understand why men don't like vasectomies.
My uncle got a vasectomy, and paid for it with Mastercard.
He forgot to pay the bill, and the finance company came over to his house and knocked up my aunt.
888-
Van Gogh
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother: Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stop'n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia: U Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
889-
Ok, it's official. I'm getting old.
The other day I was walking back to my car from the grocery store. Coming into the store was this smoking hot 19, maybe 20 year old, blonde. God, she was hot.
My thought? "I wonder what her mother looks like.
890-
Janet Jackson said to her brother Michael, hey forget about the trial lets watch a dvd.
OK said Jacko have you got Alladin?
Janet said don't you think your in enough shit as it is !!
891-
What 3 words do you dread most while making love?
Honey, I'm home."
892-
I love cooking with wine.
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
893-
The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman.
She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure.
So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what?"
She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."
Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."
Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big."
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."
894-
Two mothers were talking about a third one who had just given birth to triplets.
"You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand times?" said the one.
"Amazing! How did she ever find time to do any housework?"
895-
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."
896-
Q: Did you hear about the girl who went on a fishing trip with 6 guys?
A: She came back with a red snapper.
897-
This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men.
What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.
They are very good at this. They got me 7 times Thursday and 5 times Friday.
I wasn't able to find them on Saturday.
898-
Homeward bound at the end of the war, a Confederate soldier saw a beautiful woman and was about to go over and introduce himself when a fellow train passenger pushed him aside, sat down next to her and crudely offered her two dollars for sex. Immediately the soldier jumped up and shot the carpetbagger right between the eyes.
Looking at the woman, he snarled, " First they freed the slaves, then they won the war, but I'll be damned of they're going to start raising prices!"
899-
Incurable romantic seeks filthy
whore. Phone 0207-715-82341
900-
A Russian Czar's birthday arrived, and when he woke up, he saw a message written in piss on the heavy snow from the night before: "A happy birthday to you my Master, signed Ivan, your loyal servant."
The Czar called Ivan and said, "It was nice of you to remember my birthday, but how the heck did you did it? You are illiterate."
The servant responded, "Oh, it was simple. I was pissing in snow and your wife was holding my dick!"
901-
"I had general
anaesthesia for my surgery. It's so weird. You go to sleep in one room and then wake up four hours later in a totally different room. Just like in college."
902-
Q: What's better than seeing a woman wrestle?
A: Seeing her box.
903-
Q: Have you heard about the new radio station in town?
A: It's called WPMS... every month they give you three weeks of the blues and then one week of rag time.
904-
Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
A: You call them up and tell them you can't come.
905-
Q: What's better than screwing two eighteen year old girls at once?
A: Nothing
906-
A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" the man asks.
"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone........"
"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?"
907-
A guy walked into the bar looking like he'd been run over by a truck. His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his clothes torn.
His friends bought him a beer, then asked, "What happened?"
He said, "Remember that smashing redhead, Ginny, I met here last night? So sweet and pure as the driven snow? Well, I went on a date with her tonight. I ended up having to fight for her honour and purity."
"No kidding?"
"Yeah. But that little honey was determined to keep it."
908-
Dear Abby,
I've been going out with this girl for a couple of weeks now and I really like her and want to take the relationship to the next level. I have one problem though. On our first date she told me she was sick, but I can't remember if she said she had TB or VD. What should I do?
Lovelorn, Portland, OR
Dear Lovelorn:
If she coughs a-lot, screw her.
909-
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
910-
“It was a Catch 29 situation”
“Don’t you mean Catch 22?”
“No. It was far more serious than that”
911-
Why is a joke like pussy?
Neither is any good if you don't get it.
912-
Why have feminists got a small, faint moustache on their top lip?
So you know where to kick 'em!
913-
"The saddest part of this Michael Jackson scandal is that all of this could have been avoided if he just stuck to grabbing his own crotch."
914-
Q: What's better than seeing a woman wrestle?
A: Seeing her box.
915-
"Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money."
916-
God invented Women because he wanted a good laugh!
917-
Q: Have you heard about the new radio station in town?
A: It's called WPMS... every month they give you three weeks of the blues and then one week of rag time.
918-
Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
A: Easy...You call them up and tell them you can't come.
919-
Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
A: The guy that gave it to him.
920-
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse?
Warren
921-
A guy was driving down through the South and being hungry, he stopped at a roadside diner. Entering, he say a sign advertising the special "Fresh Venison"
The guy orders the Special, and after completing the meal, he saw the cook standing behind the counter and
said, "My compliments to the chef, that was probably the tenderest venison I have ever eaten"
The cook looked at him with a smile and replied, "Yep, an 18 wheeler will do that won't it?"
922-
An old woman on the beach walked up to a man with a rather large belly who was sun bathing.
She said, "If that belly was on a woman, I'd say she was pregnant!"
The man replied, "It was, and she is!"
923-
Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."
"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first."
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!"
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."
Sniff, sniff ,"Ah perfume - you think of everything!"
"This is great....." (long sigh!)
Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
924-
63% of men have had sex in the shower. The other 37% have never been to prison.
925-
All my love
I shall seek and find you
I shall take you to bed, and control you
I will make you ache, shake, and sweat
Until you grunt and groan...
All my love
Yours truly,
The Flu
926-
SHORTS
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."
I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...
... and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P. S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?
I type at 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera...
My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first...
... Every time I go and shave I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say "I'm gonna go shave too"
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker, this thing is useful... I'm gonna go pick something up"
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at...
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work...
2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine
sandwiches? All-encompassingly...
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
... You're supposed to yell 'fore' but I kept thinking there ain't no way that's gonna hit him.
I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house I don't like to take food from him if it is in threes. "He has three apples left... I guess I can't have one"
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable...
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What" and turn my head slightly...
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough"
I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere..."
My friend said to me "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No man, perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy..." then I thought, man, I should have just said, 'yeah...'
Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.
People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
In England Smoky the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, al-right. Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16 ounce world.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish.... the Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths, and they're hungry. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufranes.
I hate turtle necks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtle neck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy... all day. And if you wear a turtle neck and a back pack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
927-
Things you don't want to hear on an airplane.
10. This is your captain speaking, and I don't feel that life is worth living anymore.
9. We're cruising at an altitude of... ah, hell, I don't know.
8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does?
7. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Just kidding.
6. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep 'em coming!
5. This is... uh... this is... uh... your... hmm. I seem to have lost my memory.
4. Passengers on the left side of the plane: does that engine sound funny to you?
3. Welcome aboard flight 419 -- you bunch of jerks!
2. Good God, Steve! We're going to crash! Oops... is this intercom on?
1. We'll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another.
928-
John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."
929-
What's this?
"Give it here!"
"NO, IT'S MINE!"
"I said let me have it!"
"NO! IT'S MY TURN!"
"Come on! Give it to me!"
"NO WAY!"
Siamese twins whacking off.
930-
A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night!"
931-
I was just finishing in the public toilet when a voice came from the next stall.
“Excuse me but there’s no paper in here, can you pass me a few sheets?”
“Sorry”, I replied, “but I’ve just used the last one”
There was a long pause and then a £20 note slid under the stall wall and the voice asked “Have you got four fivers for a twenty then?”
932-
The kissing booth at the Charity Fair displayed a large sign:
"Kisses - $5 to $50."
Todd asked Nina, the girl in the booth, if the price range was a matter of duration.
"Nope!" she smiled. "Lip placement."
933-
Q. Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A. Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
934-
My friend Mary, also a retired teacher now, and I were sitting through a boring "educational" meeting one afternoon after school. To pass the time, Mary was crocheting little booties. When she ran out of yarn after the third bootie, she whisperingly asked me, "Do you know anyone with 3 feet?"
We both cracked up and almost got asked to leave when I whispered back, "I don't know anyone with even 18 inches."
935-
Sure, "JIHAD!" is a great name for a band, but I wish I had thought about airport security before getting the tattoo.
936-
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
937-
Q. How does James Bond like his pussy?
A. Shaven, not furred.
938-
Q. What does eating pussy and being in the Mafia have in common?
A. One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
939-
Sex shops in Bolton have just introduced a new range of ethnic inflatable toys.
There's a Jewish Princess, a Catholic Madonna and a Madonna Buddhist, but by far the most popular is the Islamic doll with a Burkah - because she blows herself up.
940-
Why don't Jehovah Witnesses like Halloween?
They don't like all those strangers coming up on the porch and ringing their doorbells.
941-
"I once made love to a female clown. It was weird because she twisted my penis into a poodle."
942-
How do you make a cat drink?
Throw it in the blender and remove the furry parts
943-
Q. Did you hear about the new Greek tampon?
A. It's called "Abzorba the Leak."
944-
A tour bus driver is driving a bus full of seniors down a freeway when he is tapped on his shoulder by one of little old ladies. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx. 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves. She replies that they are not able to chew them because of their old teeth, . "Why do you buy them then?" he asks, puzzled. The old lady said: "We just love the chocolate around them."
945-
Two college women were discussing the date one had had the night before.
"Oh, Nancy, he was sooo erudite, and clever, and sophisticated. He speaks ten languages, drives a Lamborghini, took me to a Parisian restaurant and ordered the meal and wine in French, then took me to his penthouse apartment to look over his Russian book collection by the fireplace."
"Wow, Gail, he sounds fabulous! But just how far did he get with you?" "Well, I really rather not say, but he was quite a cunning linguist!"
946-
A customer called our airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. My co-worker asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"
The customer replied, "V-I-S-A."
947-
Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the following call to IBM's help
centre show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.
After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit.
Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back.
When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right.
The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."
948-
Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked.
"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dock into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust."
"Shit, that sounds terrible", Ed said. "What business were you in?"
"I sell good luck charms," said Ted.
949-
What do do you call a
guitarist who enjoys "golden showers"?
Bert Weedon.
950-
What's got one eye, one arm and sucks cock in Portsmouth?
Fellatio Nelson.
951-
Q. Why are there no Jewish morris dancers?
A. ‘Cos you need to be a complete dick to be a morris dancer
952-
Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
953-
Top 15 rejected mothers day cards
15. I love you when you're happy. I love you when you're sad. I love you though you told me, The milkman is my dad.
14. Roses are red, my childhood was blue. Get out of my basement -- Your rent is past due.
13. The cards in the store Were just too full of sex, But I thought, "What the hell." Love, Oedipus Rex
12. There once was a woman named Mother, Who always did favour my brother. But now that he's dead, Mother senses with dread That *her* nursing home's worse than the others.
11. You stood up to my father's kin, their many threats of extortion. Thanks for having me, Mother Dear, instead of an abortion.
10. Dear Mum, in your Mother's Day card, Is a question that you may find hard: If Dad went astray, If he left, as you say, Who's that buried in the back yard?
9. Mum you're so great, Mum you're so cool. Please don't send me, to an Arkansas school.
8. I know my Mum's a test tube. I'm a sheep, not an ignorant rube. No real mum could be better, She'd just wind up a sweater, Adorning some debutante's boobs.
7. When I was born, you became a mum, and gave me lots of joy and lovin'. But now, I need to come back home -- I've got my *own* bun in the oven.
6. For my (almost) Fifth Stepmother: Congrats to you, my almost-Mum, You've nearly won the war... Unlike all the other tramps Dad picks up in the bar!
5. I'm going to Denmark, Mother, Dear, For some changes of which you'll learn. You always wanted a little girl -- Well, you'll have one when I return.
4. Your girlish figure disappears, With each bite that you chew. You now look worse in lingerie, Than dear old Uncle Lou.
3. You've lovingly looked after me since I was just a baby, So now I don't resent the fact
that both my mums are ladies.
2. I think of you, dear Mother, as I'm in my cell, alone, And miss the way you always made our crack house a crack home.
1. You probably won't even listen, You may still think, "How *could* he?" But no card's as heartfelt as this 'un. Best wishes, Soon-Yi and Woody
954-
Famous Mothers
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
MOSES' MOTHER "Yea, sure. Now do you wanna tell me where you're really been the past forty years? You never called, you never wrote..."
955-
Bloopers
Please excuse Connie from gym class today as she had difficulty breeding
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Please excuse Clarence from being absent from school the past few days. He was home sick from an operation. He had penis trouble and had to be serpent sized.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Headline: Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.
Please excuse Jane Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. She had an absent tooth.
Please excuse my daughter's absence. She had her periodicals.
956-
Michael Jackson stood in the court and was sentenced to 10 years in prison for his crimes.
The judge said you were lucky, if you were black I would have give you 20.
957-
Q. What's the basic plot for a romance novel set in the inner city?
A. In the end, the hero gets the heroin.
958-
This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please."
A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."
959-
My friend Felix is still out there job hunting. He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application and gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M'.
He says he never knows which to choose -- He says he really likes to 'F', but he spends most of the time alone
'M'-ing.
960-
A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: "Our Staff will stuff your Stiff."
Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too: "Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."
961-
"When my sugar daddy dies," confided Justine to Janie, "I inherit the lot... it's in his last will and testicles."
"You mean testament," chuckled Janie.
"No, testicles..." said Justine, "I've got him by the balls."
962-
A guy walks into a bar, with a dirty big grin on his face. Bar man says "What are you looking so happy about"?
Guy says, "I was down by the railway this afternoon and I saw this woman tied to the track, so I untied her and spent the afternoon fucking her".
Barman says, "Oh nice one mate was she pretty"?
Guy replies " I don't know I never found her head".
963-
Try this one lunchtime:
Park in a layby, put your sunglasses on, point a hairdryer at oncoming traffic and watch them slow down!
964-
A salesman was given a hotel room next to one occupied by honeymooners. The walls were thin, and the sounds of sustained sexual frenzy poured through. Finally the salesman could stand it no longer. He pounded on the walls, yelling, "Knock it off, there's other people trying to get some sleep!"
From the other room came a weak, faltering male voice which said,
"Yell louder, mister, she can't hear you!"
965-
I don't really see what the fun in watching drag racing is.
Sure, it's funny to watch grown men run down the street in high heels and a dress ..... ..... but other than that, it's boring
966-
A Psychology professor was giving a lecture on Bi-Polar
Dis order. "Let us establish some parameters," said the professor. "Now then, Bennett, what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," replied Bennett. "And the opposite of depression, Ms. Buston?" "Elation, sir." "And you Thomas, how about the opposite of woe?" "I believe that would be giddy-up, sir."
967-
Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do.
968-
969-
Two matronly ladies were sitting in a pew at Easter Mass. As the sermon was quite long, one of them said to the other, “I think my butt fell asleep.”
The other replied, “I know, I heard it snore a couple times.”
970-
A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighbourhood that pays
£40 for a donation."
"Yeah, so?"
"Don't you realise?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"
971-
The young man was determined to win his girl that evening. "I have loved you more than you will ever know," he said.
"So I was right," she responded, slapping him across the face. "You did take advantage of me when I was drunk last Saturday night!"
972-
Michael Jackson's agent has just announced a new deal to overcome the singer's financial troubles.
Guinness, the Irish drinks company, will star Michael in their next TV advertising session.
The adverts will continue the Guinness theme of "black with a white head".
973-
Pick up lines
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt).... Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
3. Nice legs... what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
21. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
23. My name is Austin ... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
25. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
28. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
32. Baby, I'm an American Express lover... you shouldn't go home without me.
33. Do you sleep on your stomach? no..........? Can I???
34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
35. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
974-
At one ad agency, a guy in production was fired when they discovered he was The Xerox Flasher. Every morning, he xeroxed his privates, made copies & left them in the secretaries' desks
The boss said "Hell, he's the only person in the building who isn't guilty of false advertising!"
His secretary said "Well, not exactly."
He said "Oh God! Don't tell me!"
She said "Yes, sir. He was using the enlarger."
975-
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he drove back to safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"
976-
"Good morning, ma'am, I've come to ask for collections, for the Salvation Army," said the man in the bright red Santa suit to the woman who opened the door wearing nothing but panties and a see-through negligee.
"How do I know that?" the young woman replied. "How do I know you're really with the Salvation Army? How do I know you aren't some sex fiend who has come to take advantage of a poor,
defenceless female who's all alone in her house ... and will be until 5:30pm this evening?"
977-
Dyslexics of the world - untie!
978-
Are thee up for some
ploughing?
-- Amish pickup line
979-
A man goes into a hamburger stand and orders a burger.
The waitress takes out two frozen patties and sticks them under her arms.
The man says "What the hell are you doing?!" She replies "I'm defrosting them!"
The other guy at the counter says, "In that case, you can cancel my fuckin' hotdog!"
980-
July 15th is National Female Breast Appreciation Day
Beats the Shit out of Martin Luther King Day, Doesn't it?
981-
100 ways to order a pizza the fun way...
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favourite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e. g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyse the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a
cut off.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker,
100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
982-
"Do you know the difference between a corn beef sandwich and a blow job?"
"No!"
" Good, why don't you come over for lunch tomorrow?"
983-
Q: What's the difference between a football game and the Oscar for best actress?
A: In a football game they kick a punt.
984-
I was getting ready for a garage sale one summer day. Since it was so humid out, I decided to stay inside my air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had bought for the sale. Then I slapped them on my blouse, ran outside, stuck them on the appropriate items and rushed back inside. I did this until every item was
labelled. Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery. I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he seemed ill at ease. It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker still attached to the front of my blouse. It read "Make me an offer."
985-
Two fellows from the deep South were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and have sex with your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."
986-
The call girl confided to her friend, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to give up analysis."
"But why? Isn't Dr. Greene helping you?"
"Yes, a lot," the call girl agreed. "Problem is, I just can't get used to lying down for a guy and then having then having to pay HIM."
987-
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.
988-
There was a promiscuous young couple making out in the back seat of a car. Temperatures were rising and things were getting pretty intense, and finally the girl gasped, "Oh darling, darling, kiss me where it smells."
So he drove her to Hull.
989-
So I said to my office mate "Man, your new girlfriend sure is big and ugly." And he says "So is my cock, but that doesn't stop me from having a good time with it."
990-
Q. Define Kleptopyrohomonecronymphobestiality?
A. Anal sex with a stolen flaming dead raccoon.
991-
Q: What does a blow job and Lobster Thermidor have in common?
A: You can't get either at home.
992-
Big demo in Trafalgar Square with placards reading "equal rights for amnesiacs",
Crowd chanting "what do we want? what do we want? er what do we want etc"
993-
"But this isn't an engagement ring." the young lady protested. "Why it's just a tiny unset diamond."
"Yeah ! I know." said the fellow, "And, it'll be mounted in a cluster around a big one, the very day after you are."
994-
Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
A: 99 times out of 100 you get an onion with long ears. But 1 time out of 100 you get a piece of ass that makes your eyes water....
995-
Did you see how pleased Mrs. Smith looked when I told her she didn't look a day older than her daughter?"
"I didn't notice Mrs. Smith, I was too busy watching the expression on her daughter's face!"
996-
A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway on-ramp. The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited.
Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "Hey, fellow! The sign says, 'Yield', not 'surrender!' "
997-
It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.
"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war."
Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "My God; the cook's working for the Germans!"
998-
On our last vacation, Mrs. Professor and I saved some money by staying in a cheap hotel. Just as we were falling asleep, we heard the sounds of mattress springs and a banging headboard from the next room. At first, the amorous couple amused us. After five minutes it had lost its charm. After ten minutes we were a little annoyed. After fifteen minutes, we were just plain ticked off, as it was keeping us awake. After half an hour we were incensed! After an hour we were pretty damned impressed.
999-
Back in the early days of the Colonies, Captain John Smith was berating the township populace in their monthly meeting.
He preaches that work isn't getting done, people are lazy and sex is becoming rampant and deviate. People have been observed having sexual relations with horses, cows, pigs, chickens...
Right then, from the back of the room, comes an incredulous comment..."Chickens????"
1000-
My grandad died in a concentration camp.
He fell out the lookout tower.
1001-
What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Jonathan King?
One’s an astronaut and the other fucks little boys.
1002-
One day my six year old asked, "Daddy, what's a transvestite?"
I said, "Go ask your mother... he'll tell you."
1003-
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
1004-
Him: "I woke up with a hard-on this morning, and it had your name written all over it."
Her: "I'm sure my name is far too long to fit the whole thing on your dick."
Him: "Oh, yeah? What's your name?"
Her: "Lu."
1005-
World's Shortest Books...
The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
The Australian Book of Foreplay
The Book of Motivated Postal Workers
Americans' Guide to Etiquette
The World Guide to Good American Beer
Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
Safe Places to Travel in the USA
Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
Contraception by Pope John Paul II
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex
The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle.
Consumer Marketing Ethics
Al Gore: The Wild Years
America's Most Popular Lawyers
Career Opportunities for History Majors
Detroit - A Travel Guide
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
Easy UNIX
Everything Men Know about Women
George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
The Amish Phone Book
Great Women Drivers Of Today
Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno
Home Built Airplanes by John Denver
How To Get To The Super Bowl by Dan Marino
Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton
Things I Can't Afford by Bill Gates
Things I Would Not Do For Money by Dennis Rodman
Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific
All The Men I've Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneres
Spotted Owl Recipes by the Sierra Club
1006-
My ex- girlfriend has a picture of a sea shell tattooed on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.
1007-
Top 11 Worst Things To Say At A Funeral..........
11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll liven things up!
10) Hey! Did I just see the dead guy move?
9) Hey, this is the first time Grandpa's been stiff in twenty years!
8) The sonofabitch is lucky he's dead. He still owes me twenty bucks!
7) (to children) Be quiet or we'll bury you with him.
6) I'll trade you the clock I inherited for the golf clubs you inherited.
5) I don't really know him/her. I'm just here for the free food afterwards.
4) It's about time. I was getting sick of her whining.
3) Is this service over yet? I'm gonna miss the hockey game.
2) (to Pastor performing service) So, this is what your God does, eh? Kill people and break up families? Tell me... Why do you continue to worship him? He sounds like an asshole.
1) (to widow) Well, you're officially single now. Whatcha doin' Friday night?
1008-
Do you have that Harry Potter game?
Yeah, they're a quid each.
1009-
My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age
60?"
"Yes, I remember," I said.
"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now 108."
1010-
My friend asked his father-in-law, a crop-duster, how his day had gone.
"It was the worst day of my life," replied the man. "This morning, I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing of the plane.
"When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out. On my way home, I stopped off at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, 'Don't you have any cold beers?!'
The bartender said, 'Sorry, but we've been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.'"
1011-
Q: Why do women have faces?
A: So you know which pussy is yours.
1012-
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
1013-
Q: What's the biggest advantage of speed-reading?
A: You can take a shit in half the time.
1014-
Walter, who is quite elderly is resting peacefully on the front porch of a nursing home in the country, when he sees a cloud of dust up the road.
He watches a farmer approaching, with a wagon. "Good afternoon!" hollers out Walter.
"Afternoon," says the farmer.
"Where you headed?" asks Walter.
"Town."
"What do you have in the wagon?" Walter continued.
"Manure."
"Manure, eh? What do you do with it?"
"I spread it over my strawberries," the farmer says matter-of-factly.
"Well," says Walter, "you should come over here for lunch someday. We use whipped cream."
1015-
Q: What's the difference between meat and fish?
A: If you beat your fish, it dies
1016-
BE SURE YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS AT HOME
A Niagara man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his ass.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
1017-
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you. The next day I stopped eating red meat..
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you. The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you.
This morning I stopped reading.
1018-
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects...........................whenever I mention sex, they object."
1019-
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.
I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained , "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"
1020-
Growing old can be soooo hard at times.
Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.
Now, I walk funny,
but - my gums don't itch!
1021-
The college dorm advisor heard strange noises from Jack's room, well after lights-out. He knocked on the door and said, "Mr. Jack! Are you entertaining in there?"
From behind the door, Jack answered, "Just a second -- I'll ask her!"
1022-
What's brown and hides in the attic?
The diarrhoea of Anne Frank.
1023-
What's the difference between Mike Tyson and Harold Shipman?
Shipman had a lethal jab.
1024-
Q: What's the approximate Square Root of 69?
A: Eight Something
1025-
Pick-up Lines
- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted?
- For the longest time I lived with a hairdresser named Bruce, but then I had this sudden relapse of heterosexuality.
- When we get back to my apartment, whatever you do, don't tease the pony.
- You know, if my wife wasn't so hung up on this faithfulness thing, she'd probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet.
- You can trust me, I'm a lawyer.
- I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a coat-hanger to the metal plate in my head and was using it as antenna to read my thoughts.
- No, really, I read Playboy for the articles.
- My most painful memory? Hmmm... That would have to be when those three guys cornered me in the showers in prison.
- Who can blame Woody Allen?
- After our last date, when I got home I had this aching in the pit of my stomach. I thought it was because I missed you, but it turned out to be food poisoning.
- I'm not free Sunday. I'm going to help OJ look for the real killer.
- How about after dinner we take a romantic stroll by the oil refinery? The fumes will give you a really cool buzz.
- Now I'm just speaking hypothetically here, but let's say you were at some guy's house, opened the refrigerator, and saw a human head. Would you call the cops?
- I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn't get into med school, so now I just pursue
gynaecology as a hobby. I even have my own stirrups.
1026-
Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local minister comes walking around the corner.
The minister says, "My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving that sheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?"
The farmer says, "I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her!"
1027-
"My grandad just died. My gran did her best. She smeared him with lard - he went downhill fast after that."
1028-
"A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man."
1029-
A Red Indian walks into a hotel and asks for a room. The hotel manager says,
"Have you got a reservation?"
1030-
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
1031-
The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks.
He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"
The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."
1032-
While inspecting their honeymoon hotel room, the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed.
"What's this for?" she asked her husband.
"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating."
"Save your money," she said. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating!"
1033-
Who was the last person to fuck an Aussie and bring back the Ashes?
Paula Yates.
1034-
What do you get if you
cross a hurricane and a tsunami?
Katrina and the Waves.
1035-
I love oral sex.
But, it's the phone bill I hate.
1036-
At the end of my meal, the waiter came up to me and said, "Well, sir. How did you find your steak?"
I said, "I just lifted up a chip and there it was!"
1037-
Bob to two girls in a
bar~ "Hey girls, do you wanna go turkey shootin?"
"OK" came the reply.
"Good, you gobble I'll shoot."
1038-
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said: "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said: "How soon do you need to know?"
1039-
How do you know you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.
1040-
Two dyslexics chatting on the Tube.
"Can you smell gas?" the first chap asked
"I can't even smell my own name", was the reply.
1041-
I can understand why H&M dropped Kate Moss from their advertising campaign.
I can understand Chanel. But why Burberry?
She's got the ultimate Chav boyfriend, she's on the Bolivian marching powder and she was born in Croydon.
She's got to be the ultimate role model for their client base!
1042-
What do you call people who use the
rhythm method of birth control?
Parents
1043-
Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served. One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, "Who turned on the fucking lights!?" "Oh, no, sir, " the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights'."
1044-
A bloke buys a camel from some wide boy on a street corner, and he proudly rides it into the pub car park, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers.
"Nice camel, mate," one of his drinking mates commented. "Is it male or female?"
"Female!" the bloke beamed.
"How do you know" his mate enquired."
"Well," the bloke explained, "On the way here today, at least twenty people yelled out: 'Hey - look at the cunt on the camel!
1045-
Q: Why are chickens so ugly?
A: You'd be ugly too, if you had a pecker hanging out of your face.
1046-
Q: Did you hear about the prostitute who was into bondage?
A: She was strapped for cash.
1047-
Q: What does an atheist shout when she's having an orgasm?
A: "Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"
1048-
Q: What do vegetarian worms eat?
A: Linda McCartney.
1049-
Q: Did you hear the joke they're not telling to assholes?
A:
1050-
The Answer: A Cockrobin.
The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?
1051-
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked. She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the
encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'"
1052-
The comic Lee Mack was on stage and making fun of a guy in the audience who was quite nifty at Judo or some such martial art.
Mack said "Yeah, but come on, how often are you attacked by a guy in a white dressing gown?"
The guy replied "Every day, I work in a mental home"
1053-
On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theatre waiting to see the latest hit movie.
As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theatre's concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments.
Then, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"
1054-
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.
The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."
The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.
"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"
"No, Madam," said he maid. "Not your husband... the mail man!!"
1055-
Someone I know received a spam yesterday where the company had bought a list and used a mail merge program in an effort to try to "personalize" the spam. Now, I can't blame them for trying to create a more user-friendly message.
But, as we all know... sometimes technology can let you down or put a damper on your marketing objectives:
Here's how the subject line of the message came out:
Subject: Mary, Enlarge your PENIS!
Either these people are incredibly stupid, or else their product is *really* something new !!
1056-
More proof that gasoline prices are out of control: I pulled into a full service gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The guy farted, took my five and walked away.
1057-
What do a fur trapper and a necrophiliac have in common???
They are both looking for dead beaver!!
1058-
Seen written in the dirt on vans and lorries
"Save the whale - I'll have it for my supper"
"Preserve wildlife - Go pickle a squirrel"
"It's this dirty because I washed it with your wife's knickers"
"No I haven't stolen it , I'm just a shit driver", security van
"Small penis available - see driver"
"If you think this van is dirty, you should try having sex with the driver"
"Your skid stops here", above a dented guard on the back of an artic trailer
"If you've read this notice then by the time you read it, you'll have already read it"
"The driver is not a poof"
"What are the pink bits in my tyres? Cyclists & Joggers"
"7up is good for you, signed snow white", pop van
"This van's got a widget"
"Why clean me, why even keep me, why even look at me, why not SCRAP me?"
"If you can read this you are a cunt"
"Test dirt"
"Vegetarians taste great"
"If little girls are made of sugar and spice, how come they taste like anchovies?"
"Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly" (on the back of a police car in Israel)
"Puff the magic wagon", hippy van
"Puff the tragic wagon", old Toyota wagon
"Dirty? You should see my arse"
"Little mo, Trevor is a cunt!"
"How's my speeding?"
"White with a hint of M42"
"Every do you do is driven by us", cesspit collection tanker
"How's my driving? Call 999"
"Small asylum seeker wanted as mud flap, must be flexible and willing to travel"
"NO HAND SIGNALS Kosovan thief driving"
"Co-op.... Keeping Britain's immigrants cool", refrigerated co-op truck
"Just like the driver's wife - dirty as fuck"
"Honk if you bonk"
"Be very careful my driving's shite"
"If you think this van is dirty you should try sex with the driver"
"More poke than a German Brothel", Escort Cosworth
"Anti glare paint"
"Nice one for blocking me in"
"You've tried the cowboys now try the indians", Indian builder's van
"Caution: Pigs in Transit", Police van
"Do not clean - seeds planted"
"No hand signals. Driver on Viagra"
"If you can read this the bitch fell off", motorbike
"My other lorry is a Mercedes"
"Wash me ya feckin idiot"
"Save a tree, eat a beaver"
"Organic garden opening here soon"
"Quiet, refugees sleeping"
"Gary Glitter on tour", police van
"If you can see this, then some fucker's nicked my caravan", blue Ford Transit
"Quiet, refugees sleeping"
"I brake for Hallucinations"
"I brake for no particular reason"
"Overtaker", on right hand side "Undertaker", on left hand side
"Beware - animal lover - brakes for pussy"
"A dog's not just for Christmas, it's alright on a Friday night too"
"Jim is a fenian poof"
"Free beer and titties"
"Beware!! Sudden Tea Breaks"
"It's still cleaner than yer ma'"
"Driver lexdyslic"
"So fresh next of kin haven't been informed", fish delivery van
"Indian Driver - Smoke signals only"
"Help me, I can't breathe"
"Danger - Agency Driver", 7.5 tonner
"OUCH", above a dent in the side of a very very dirty yellow truck
"Constipated People Don't Give A Crap"
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me"
"You are following Steptoe"
"Help! Been kidnapped, call police"
"All HGV drivers are gay, For fight see driver", transit driven by a little old man
"If you think this is dirty, try sleeping with the driver"
"I love getting felt", roofing contractor's van
"For sale: mop and bucket never used"
"Don't come knockin when the van's a rockin"
"PASSION WAGON : don't laugh your daughter maybe inside!"
"Take care Kosovan's on board"
"The man driving this van is a homo"
"Lance is gay"
"Brainer is a giant cock faced poofter"
"If you're reading this you are gay"
"If you are reading this then you are a cunt"
"Big baby on board"
"Fatty, Fatty give us a wave!"
"Come on girls be a flirt, go ahead and raise that shirt"
"Test dirt. Do not wash"
"Oh shit, now I need to wash my finger"
"I was going to wash my van, but then I got high"
"I wish my wife was as dirty as this"
... "Oh, she is!" (added to the above)
... "and she's in this van!" (added to the above)
... "then i could write things on her back" (added to the first one again)
"If my wife was as dirty as this I would be at home"
"If you think this is dirty, you should see the pictures of my wife"
"Is your mother as dirty as your van?... I already know your wife is"
"We watch your wife while she showers", window fitter's van
"Dirtier than a weekend with Jordan"
"Don't wash me, plant potatoes on me"
"Plough Me"
"Dirty? You should see my ears."
"How's my driving? 0800-eat shit"
"How's my topsoil? Call 1-800-DIRT"
"Wisely Driven? If so call police - vehicle stolen"
"Also available in white", white lorry
"You missed", white Ford Transit
"A rarer one", Mercedes Sprinter
"Cleaned by Stevie Wonder, checked by David Blunkett"
"Did you ever wish you hadn't started something?", on the dirty half of a half-washed van
Below the "How's my driving?" sticker: "Fuck off"
"Gie us a wash", South Yorkshire
"Where there's muck there's bra's", very dirty Gossard articulated truck
"No jobbie too big", sewage lorry
"The Pig Green arce Machine" (an altered version of 'The Big Green Parcel Machine')
1059-
"I say, Watson. All this cocaine has made me rather constipated."
"No shit, Sherlock."
1060-
The neighbour dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
"What's wrong Marge ?" she asked.
Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."
Surprised, the neighbour said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant!"
"I'm not." the harried young woman replied. "I'm just damn sick of mornings."
1061-
If it's true about the old saying, "That you are what you eat", then it's no wonder why people call me a cunt.
1062-
The young Swedish au pair had been working for the Schmitts for more than a year. While hardworking and efficient, she still struggled with English.
One day she told Mrs. Schmitt that she had received good news from her boyfriend Sven. "He is coming visit me from army next week!"
"That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How long is his furlough?"
"Oh," the young woman said, "about long as Mr. Schmitt's. Maybe little thicker."
1063-
My boyfriend and I were at my daughter's volleyball game when we noticed an adult couple in the bleachers. They were being VERY affectionate. She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest. I said to my boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
He said, "Watch THEM ! You already KNOW how to play volleyball."
1064-
Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
1065-
The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door.
The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm.
"Oh God," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window."
The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then stopped. "I can't," he said, "we're on the thirteenth floor."
"For chrissakes," cried the young lady in exasperation, "do you think this the right fuckin' time to be superstitious?"
1066-
JESUS SAVES . . . They Pass It To Gretzky . . .
He Shoots. . . He..Scores! The crowd goes wild.
1067-
One in 580 men can "expect" to die while having sex.
C'mon! Most men HOPE to die that way!
1068-
"What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Bernice? said her closest friend.
"Well," Bernice confirmed, "Although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired."
1069-
Two mothers were talking about a third one who had just given birth to triplets. "You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand times?" said the one. "Amazing! How did she ever find time to do any housework?"
1070-
A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat.
Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?"
"Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied.
1071-
My love is like a red, red rose 'cos I bludgeoned her to death with an axe.
Just kidding, It was a chainsaw.
1072-
Eunice was telling her boyfriend, Jeff "According to archaeologists, for millions of years the Neanderthal man was not fully erect."
And Jeff's reply was, "That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly the Neanderthal women were!"
1073-
Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"
Leon: "Yes, your honour."
Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your nane is Mr... Leon Shitferbrains, is it?"
Leon: "Yes, your honour."
Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?"
Leon: " Melvin, your honour."
1074-
Q: What comes after 69?
A: Mouthwash.
1075-
Rude
Q: Why did God give women multiple orgasms? A: So they can fucking moan when they're happy, too.
Q: What's the difference between a pimple and a priest? A: A pimple wait till you're about 15 till it comes on your face.
Q: What is the difference between garbage and an ugly girl? A: Garbage gets picked up at least once a week.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Wall Street firm with a B&D brothel? A: A business for stocks and bondage.
Q: What's the difference between a downhill putt and a blowjob? A: You'll never hear a guy getting a blowjob say, "Slow down! Stop! BITE, YOU COCKSUCKER!"
Q: Why are men so concerned about the size of their penises? A: Because they should be.
Q: What's the difference between men and horny alley cats? A: Men are taller.
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? A: Because most men are stupid, but very few are blind.
Q: What defines a truly sensitive guy? A: He doesn't make his girlfriend blow him after he buttfucks her.
1076-
What's the difference between a girl in church and a girl in the bath?
One has hope in her soul.....
1077-
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but God knows how they get in there.
1078-
What do you call a Russian with three testicles? Houdji Nikabollokov
1079-
Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands.
It's going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand.
1080-
The latest condom slogan - Cover me, I'm going in.
1081-
Did you hear that Michael Jackson's youngest child spoke his first word?
It was, "Help!"
1082-
You are marvellously mature when:
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
Your back goes out but you stay home.
When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
When your idea of a night out is sitting on the terrace.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you're on holiday and your energy runs out before your money does.
When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
1083-
What’s the difference between girls/women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
1084-
Two Marines got off guard duty and decided to head into Jacksonville for a quick drink. As they approached a street light, Malone looked
over and whistled admiringly, "Quite a bulge you've got in your pants, Greg."
"The only place in town serving drinks this late is a gay bar," the Marine explained curtly.
"So, you looking for some action?" his buddy teased. "What's with the bulge?"
Greg snarled, "I stuffed two hand grenades in my shorts. First queer that tries to feel me up gets his hand blown off."
1085-
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston bypass.
Police are said to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
1086-
Half of all people use the Internet, and the other half of the people have sex with a live partner.
1087-
A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal, whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief, "Phew, just made it."
The guy next to him looks over and says, "Impressive, can you make me one too?"
1088-
How do you know when you're really old?
You can remember championship fights between two white guys.
1089-
After-Sex Comments by Star Sign
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry -- pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me -- I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"
1090-
As the woman was instructing the new maid on the great care required in handling certain valuable household objects. She pointed to the dining room and said with obvious satisfaction, "That table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth."
"Oh, that's nothing," the maid interjected. "My whole DAMN living room set goes back to Sears the fifteenth."
1091-
The young man said to his sweetheart, "We're going to have a great time tonight. I have three theatre tickets."
The young girl said, "Why do we need three tickets?"
"They're for your father, mother, and kid sister!"
1092-
Two men were talking. "My son asked me what I did during the Sexual Revolution," said one.
"I told him I was captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
1093-
A sergeant and two men from his platoon went to a tavern near the base one night. The sergeant asked an attractive army nurse to join him in a game of pool.
The nurse said, "I would rather play with your privates."
1094-
The State Department escort was giving the newly arrived Asian diplomat a thorough tour of Washington nightlife. After watching a group of young couples in a discotheque, the escort said, "I don't imagine you've ever seen anything quite like this in your country. Do you know what they're doing?"
"Yes, but why are they doing it standing up?
1095-
Q. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A. They all have phones.
1096-
What's the definition of a vicious circle?
A pussy with teeth.
1098-
How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex?
She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.
1099-
"I don't know why, but I've always found it difficult to make friends.
Know what I mean, Dickhead?"
1100-
I was watching a show on anthropology a while ago which stated that human males have the largest penis of all of the primates.
I remember thinking, "Aha! That explains why we learned to walk upright: Just showing off."
1101-
Quickies
Jack was nimble Jack was quick. But Jill preferred the candlestick!
If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll teach him.
If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do
gynaecologists get? Tunnel vision!
What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde? (You get to park in the Handicapped Zone )
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp? A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
How did the blonde die drinking milk? (The cow stepped on her.)
How did the blonde burn her nose? (Bobbing for French fries.)
1102-
Q. How long does pubic hair stay on the toilet rim?
A. Until it gets pissed off.
1103-
Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this problem.
His friends noticed the dramatic change. "You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied. 'I haven't had a single problem since."
"A thousand a week," said Doug. "How are you going to pay him?"
"Screw him, that's his problem."
1104-
Q. What do you call a camel with no humps?
A. Humphrey
1105-
If I could do it all over again.............................I’d do it all over you.
1106-
A sailor who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was due back in port. "I have missed you so much and I can't wait to make love to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we can do it as soon as I step ashore."
The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a reply. "I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I will not be checking I.D. cards!"
1107-
Jill, a love-starved spinster, was so desperate that she went to a local newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement in the 'Lonely Hearts' column.
"Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of £1 per insertion."
"You don't say," said the spinster "Well then, here's £20 and to hell with the advertisement!"
1108-
I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in.
1109-
The phone rings and 80 year old Victor answers it. "Hello," says Victor.
"Can I speak to Martin please," says the woman caller.
"I’m sorry," says Victor, "but you’ve got the wrong number."
"Are you sure?" asks the caller.
"Listen lady," says Victor, "have I ever lied to you before?"
1110-
A man goes to the zoo.
When he gets there, there was only a dog.
It was a shitzu.
1111-
Here are some web site names that went wrong.
Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com/
Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net
Need a therapist? Try:
http://www.therapistfinder.com
And there is an Italian Power company:
http://www.powergenitalia.com
Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com
1112-
Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.
1113-
I'm in serious trouble. I got caught urinating in the shower this morning.
It seems they frown on that at B & Q.
1114-
John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."
1115-
Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a big, high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.
1116-
Thomas Gladstone, a stockbroker, received an urgent phone call one afternoon. "My name is Walters," the caller announced. "About two weeks ago, my wife got a crazy idea and started walking the street, asking me to procure customers for her."
"Just a minute," Gladstone protested. "You want Dr. Gladstone the psychiatrist. His name is right below mine in the phone book. Many people dial me by mistake."
"No mistake," came the reply. "I want you to invest all the money we're making."
1117-
Will Young, Robbie Williams and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they left the night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to.
"Its your turn now, Will," grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie asked, "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"
Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings!"
1118-
What have Gary Glitter and George Best got in common?
They've both had one tot too many.
1119-
Did I tell you I've got Compulsive Behavioural Disorder. Did I tell you I've got Compulsive Behavioural Disorder. Did I tell you I've got Compulsive Behavioural
Disorder. Did I tell you I've got Compulsive Behavioural Disorder. Did I tell you I've got Compulsive Behavioural
Disorder. Did I tell you I've got Compulsive Behavioural Disorder.
1120-
My promise
I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
signed
The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu jab!
1121-
Q: How are tits like martinis?
A: One's not enough and three's too many.
1122-
Q: Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
A: There'd be too many thank-you notes to write.
1123-
Q: What is the difference between exotic and psychotic?
A: Exotic is wearing a French tickler. Psychotic is wearing French toast.
1124-
Top Ten (most polite ways to say: 'your zipper Is open')
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... paging Mr. Johnson...
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
~And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
1. I always knew you were crazy but now I can see your nuts!
1125-
A very young couple exhibiting signs of extreme nervousness timidly approached the check-in desk of a large hotel.
"Good evening, sir," said the official behind the desk, favouring the young man with a perceptive wink. "Suite 16?"
"Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly. "She's eighteen."
1126-
A travelling salesman finds himself stranded in the tiniest town in Australia. He knocks on the door of a little hotel.
"Sorry, we don't have a spare room," says the manager, "but you're welcome to share with a little red-headed schoolteacher, if that's okay."
"Oh, that'll be great," says the salesman, grinning from ear to ear. "And don't worry, I'll be a real gentleman."
"Just as well," says the manager. "So will the little red-headed schoolteacher."
1127-
One good thing about drugs. They taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system...
1128-
Girl: "I know you really look like Napoleon Bonaparte."
Boy: "Great, isn't it?"
Girl: "Yes, but you differ in one aspect from him."
Boy: "And that is?"
Girl: "You have to put your hand in your own blouse."
1129-
The young woman approached the executive in front of his office and said, "Please sir, give to take a wayward girl off the street."
"And how much do you suggest I give?" he asked.
"It depends," she smiled, "Entirely on how long you want to keep her off of it."
1130-
Thorn comes home from work one afternoon and is stopped by his neighbour, "It may be none of my business, but this afternoon a strange man came to your house and your wife let him in. I peeked through the curtains and saw them making wild, passionate love."
Thorn said," Was he short, about 5'8" ?
" Yes,"the neighbour answers, " I believe he was."
" Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?" Thorn asked.
" Yes," the neighbour agrees.
" Then that was the mailman, Jim , " Thorn responds. " He'll screw anyone!...."
1131-
George returned home late and found a naked man with a hard-on in his wife's bedroom closet.
"Hey, what the fuck are you doing in there?"
"I'm riding a bus."
"That's a fucking stupid thing to say!"
"Well, that's a fucking stupid thing to ask!"
1132-
Q. What do you call an eighty year old impotent sailor?
A. A salt with a dead weapon.
1133-
A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.
"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"
"Only a little," she answered.
"How much?" he asked.
"Fifty dollars," she replied.
1134-
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice,
"Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
1135-
My girlfriend came home from the doctor's and said that he told her she couldn't make love.
I've always known this, but how did he find out?
1136-
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and asks her, "Do you know the difference between a ham sandwich and a blowjob?"
The woman is somewhat confused and says, "No, I don't."
So the man then asks, "Well then, would you like to have lunch?"
1137-
A bloke 3ft 6in marries a sheila 6ft 9. when he goes down the pub his mates want to know how he goes in bed with her.
"Well! when our noses touch, me toes are in, and when our toes touch, me nose is in, and when I'm in I've got no bastard to talk to"
1138-
Guy with severe dose of the runs burst into the only public toilet
available, only to find the pan full to the brim with shit .In desperation, he dropped his pants and lowered his arse into it.
SNEEZED! .. and siphoned the lot !
1139-
Some people can tell time by looking at the sun, but I've never been able to see the numbers.
1140-
Joe and Tom were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Shit," Joe said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?" Tom asked.
Joe replied "The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"
1141-
Q. what does a man and a sperm have in common ???
A. they both have about a million to one chance of becoming a human being
1142-
The Answer: A Cockrobin.
The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?
1143-
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Morris is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," Morris replies sheepishly.
"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
1144-
"I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can't afford to get pregnant!" said Edna to Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."
1145-
Thought for the Day:
I'd walk a mile for one of your smiles and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
1146-
Doug meets Bill at the bar for their usual after work drink.
Bill is sitting there looking somewhat depressed.
Doug asks, "What's wrong pal?"
Bill replies, "Well, I finally succeeded in talking my girlfriend in to a threesome."
"Wow, lucky you. But why the long face?" Doug remarks.
Bill sighs and says, "Yeah, well, as the threesome entered into its second hour of hot and heavy action, it dawned on me that I really should have specified that I wanted to be one of the three."
1147-
The other day, on a flight to Jamaica, a couple was arrested because they were caught having sex in the
toilet and refused to return to their seats.
The other passengers said they wouldn't have minded, but the couple was the pilot and co-pilot.
1148-
"When my sugar daddy dies," confided Rosey to Nina, "I inherit the lot... it's in his last will and testicles."
"You mean testament," chuckled Nina.
"No, testicles..." said Rosey, "I've got him by the balls."
1149-
Necrophilia:................. That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
1150-
A man once
counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn flakes every morning.
The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
1151-
I hate sex in movies.
Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled the mood.
1152-
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?".
The pigmy said "Yes."
The hunter asked "How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast like that?"
The pigmy said: "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 90 of us."
1153-
1. Go to www.google.com
2. Type in "french military victories", but do not use the quotation marks.
3. Instead of hitting "Google Search" hit "I'm feeling lucky"
1154-
It’s Tuesday and today’s the day that Hannah and Becky go to their local swimming pool for their weekly exercise. As they are undressing, Hannah looks down at Becky’s body, points and asks, "I’ve always wanted to ask you this, Becky, but how come most of the hair on your head is grey, but down there your hair is a lovely auburn?"
"Because down there I've got no worries," replies Becky.
1155-
"The guy I dated tonight turned out to be a sadist," reported the girl.
"You mean literally -- whips and that sort of thing?" asked her roommate.
"Worse than that! The creep screwed me with a four inch penis and then French kissed me good bye with an eight inch tongue!"
1156-
Gene meets Earnie at the bar after work. Earnie is really upset. "What's wrong pal?" Gene asked. "You look really down."
"I am. My girlfriend Trish said she wants to have sex in the back seat of the car" Earnie replied.
"So what's wrong with that?" Gene asked, seeming somewhat confused.
"Well," Earnie sighs, "She said she wants me to be the one driving the car".
1157-
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
1158-
First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics.
Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.
I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.
I don't know how I pulled through it.
It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
1159-
Q: Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A: They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
1160-
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins?"
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No," he replies. "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"
1161-
Are thee up for some
ploughing?
-- Amish pickup line
1162-
Things You Don't Want To Hear In A Tattoo
Parlour
"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
"We're all out of red, so I used pink."
"There are two O's in Bob, right?"
"Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."
"That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie."
"Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."
"Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."
"I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
"The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."
"Oops ... "
1163-
On a building site a worker fall from the 12 floor, Thwack! Flat on his back. Immediately people came rushing and shouting: “what happened? What happened? The worker said: I don’t know, I’ve just arrived.
1164-
Alzheimer's or Parkinson's...Which would you rather have...?
Parkinson's of course. Better to spill half your pint than forget where the fuck you put it !
1165-
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Do you really think they look alike?"
"Absolutely not", he replies. "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!
1166-
The most common form of marriage proposal:
"YOU'RE WHAT!?"
1167-
Q: What’s the name of the fairy story about an uncircumcised troll?
A: Rumpled Foreskin
1168-
The travelin' Texan picked up a sweet young thang in a bar and after several rounds, ordered the biggest steaks they had. Later, they retired to his room, naturally the largest in the hotel. As they undressed, he said, "I'm from Fort Worth, Texas, and we have the biggest of everything." The girl only nodded and smiled. As they began to make love, he exclaimed, "Golleeeee, lil' Lady! What part of Texas y'all from?"
1169-
Dad was in the field ploughing when he noticed Mary run into the barn, A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her. After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, So Dad decides to see what they are doing.
As he walks into the barn he sees Bruce on top of Mary and he was going to town, Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard and picks up a shovel and whacks Bruce on the arse with it Bruce jumps up and runs out side.
Mary was still lying on the floor trying to cover up her modesty, Dad looked down at her and said I didn't think you had it in you Mary.
Neither did I dad said Mary until you hit him on the arse with the shovel...
1170-
Morris and Manuel were partners in a very successful garment manufacturing company in N.Y.C. They Both were having a ' fling ' with Beckie....a young attractive model who worked for their firm.
One rainy day Beckie announced to her two lovers, " I'm pregnant ! "
Since both partners were married men they decided that Manuel would take Beckie to Mexico where she could have the baby without a scandal.
Manuel took off for Mexico with Beckie while Morris ran the business and worried.
Several months later an Email arrived for Morris from Manuel. It read..." Dear Partner: Beckie had Twins. Mine died at birth. What shall I do with yours ?
1171-
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son, whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart on!"
Turning around to see her husband for the first time in years she replied, "at this point, I don't give a damn what colour it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Jones' for a couple hours."
1172-
The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."
His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?
1173-
Next month will be the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday. He was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. It was called Einstein's Theory of Relative
Titty.
1174-
A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were away the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that
night's dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked it.
That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, ... "Did I screw up the cooking"
"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."
1175-
I'M BUSIER THAN ...
... Michael Jackson in a day care centre
... a dog with two dicks
... Richard Simmons on a fat farm
... a half-fucked fox during the heat season
... a two-peckered billy goat
... a black L.A. hooker in Hugh Grant's BMW
... a monkey trying to fuck a football
... a toilet in Grand Central Station
... a gopher on a golf course
... a bar of soap at San Quentin
...an Enron CPA trying to explain their accounting ' system '
1176-
Lovemaking Tips for Seniors ...
1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbours are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
1177-
I never really made it as an inventor, in fact the only idea I ever had, was for an inflatable voodoo doll.
1178-
A man goes to see the veterinarian.
The vet asked him:” what is the problem?”
The man answered: “I’m not feeling very well”
“So, you should go see a doctor” said Vet “Why did you come to see me?”
“Because” said the husband” I live like a dog, I work like a donkey and I’m married to a cow”
1179-
A man goes to a café and asked the guy behind the counter: “How much is it for a loaf of bread?”
The café owner said: “Brown or white?”
“It doesn’t matter” the man said “It’s for a blind man”
1180-
An American runner asked an Israeli runner: What’s your time for 100 meters?
6 seconds replied the Israeli
But the world’s record is just around 10 seconds said the astonished American
Yea said the Israeli But I know a short cut
1181-
A very elderly gentleman, in his mid-nineties, very well dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a very good after shave and presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid-eighties. The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says: "So tell me, do I come here often ..?"
1182-
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Ted, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Ted says: "I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants...!"
1183-
My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
1184-
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
1185-
Tampons are now being made in "designer
colours."
Whom are you trying to impress with this? Do you open one and think, "Well, this won't match"?
1186-
An English major was being released from prison. The nice looking female clerk was about to give him the £100 they give to all released prisoners. Since the inmate had not had female attention for a long time, he suggested that she could keep the money if she would have sex with him. He was immediately rearrested and thrown back into jail. Everybody knows you should never end a sentence with a proposition.
1187-
"Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus."
1188-
Q. What's the best thing to come out of a man's dick when you stroke it?
A. The wrinkles.
1189-
Getting old is a BITCH. I got my Preparation H mixed up with my Poli-Grip. Now I talk like an asshole ... but my gums don't itch.
1190-
An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asked.
She answered, "Because I'm dead."
The husband asked..."What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!"
She said, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insisted, "You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
1191-
We have a young couple in the
neighbourhood who are truly inseparable. Last week, it took four policemen and a dog to separate the two of them.
1192-
A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating centre and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favoured formal attire, and was very small.
The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.
1193-
Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."
"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.
"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."
"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.
"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."
"Really? You got a new laptop?"
1194-
I ran in to Bill the other day and he clearly looked very distraught.
I asked him what was wrong.
Bill said, "As you know, I am looking for employment. I found an ad in the paper for a part in local dinner
theatre, Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. I went and tried out for the part of Romeo. However, I failed my audition through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction.
My copy of the script clearly said, "Enter Juliet from the rear."
1195-
Q: What is the difference between a sheep and a door?
A: You can't bang a door in the middle of a field
1196-
Mary comes home from her date with Tom and is on cloud nine. She happily tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room jumps into bed and falls fast asleep. The next morning her mum comes in and wakes Mary up and says, " How was your date last night?"
"It was alright, I guess."
"It must have been a lot better than that," says mum, " Your panties are still stuck to the ceiling."
1197-
Q. What do a farmer and a pimp have in common?
A. Both need a hoe to stay in business
1198-
Nancy was talking to Dianne. "I suspect Fred used to visit hookers before we met."
"Why do you say that?"
"One night we were just playing around downstairs. He picked me up and headed for the bedroom."
Dianne nodded. "Uh huh. So what happened?"
"Well, I giggled and said, 'Should I struggle?' "
And he replied, "I don't know. Does that cost extra?"
1199-
Mick Hucknall was arrested for having sex with an under aged rabbit last night, apparently he was holding back the ears and the bunny was too tight to mention.
1200-
A man in a brothel in Amsterdam asks for a lady with big thighs, saggy tits and a baggy fanny. The madam asks: “feeling kinky?” The man replies, “No, just homesick.”
1201-
The T.V. presenter Ulrika Jonsson suffered an accident at home yesterday.
Apparently after having showered she walked over the marble hallway to her bedroom, slipped and ended up with a mobile phone stuck in her rectum.
Doctors at the hospital where she is being treated are unconcerned however and anticipate she'll make a full recovery.
As one of them said "It's not the first time she's had an Eriksson up her arse".
1202-
A tribe of Cannibals captured a missionary chucked him into a huge pot with water started the fire and asked the missionary “What’s your name?”
The surprised missionary said: “Why do want to know my name, what for?”
The chief said: “What do you mean what for, for the menu of course”
1203-
A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Have you any turkey?"
The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only turkey, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 4 1/2 pounds.
"Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires.
The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the turkey. The scale shows 7 1/4 pounds.
"Marvellous!" says the woman. "I'll have both of them please."
1204-
The local bookstore had this huge display with a sign advertising, "Newly Translated From the Original French: 37 Mating Positions." The book was already wrapped in plain brown wrapper and I just had to buy one.
Once safely at home and alone, I opened it and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about chess.
1205-
Some guy bought a new refrigerator for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50" The next day someone stole it.
1206-
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call centre. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call
centre was open. I told him, "The number you dialled is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time? "Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
1207-
Sam is over at Anni's house after meeting her parents for the very first time. While at the supper table he figured it was a good time to get on the right side of his future mother-in-law.
Sam turned to Anni's mother and remarked, "These are excellent fishcakes."
Anni pulled Sam close to her and whispered in his ear, "You should go and wash your hands, those are peanut butter cookies!"
1208-
I drove by the fire department the other day, and they had a big public awareness sign that read, "Are your house numbers visible?" I thought, "Who the fuck cares? How about you just stop at the house that's on fire?!"
1209-
Three men were in heaven discussing how they died.
The first man said, "I died of cancer."
The second man said, "I died of Tuberculosis."
Morris, the third man said, "I died of seenus."
The first two men asked, "Do you mean sinus?"
Morris said, "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"
1210-
Q) Why does it take a woman longer to have an orgasm?
A) Who cares?
1211-
A man goes up to Jill at a bar and says to her, "I've got a condom with your name on it"
Jill says to him, "You must be mistaken my name's not "Durex Extra Small'"
1212-
What is the difference between an elephant and a Greek grandmother?
Ten pounds and a moustache.
1213-
Question: How do you get a philosopher off your porch?
Answer: Pay for the pizza.
1214-
There was a famous jockey that never lost a race. When asked how he achieved this, he replied, I whisper in the horse's ear: Roses are red, violets are blue. Horses that lose are made into glue.
1215-
Pick-up Lines
That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed...
Do you want to see something swell?
Hey babe....do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
Is that a double ended dildo or are you just glad to see me?
Excuse me. Do you wanna fuck or should I apologize?
Paddy : Have you got a little Irish in you? She: Uh...no....Paddy: Well, do you want some?
Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
Wanna fuck like bunnies?
Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said: "Smile if you want to sleep with me", then watch the victim try to hold back her smile...
Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us
You smell wet. Let's Party.
Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again?
At the office copy machine: Reproducing eh? Can I help? Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.
Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? What's the matter, don't like pizza?
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
1216-
Mr. Hands was called in for an audit, and a surly IRS agent confronted him. "It says here that you're a bachelor - yet you have claimed a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake." Mr. Hands looked him straight in the eye and said, "Yep, it surely was."
1217-
A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence visit the day after the friend's wife of 30 years has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room having sex with the maid. "Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!" His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"
1218-
Porno Movie Titles based on real movies
Sperms of Endearment
Saving Ryan's Privates
Romancing The Bone
For Your Thighs Only
Three Men And A Barbie
On Golden Blonde
Intercourse With The Vampire
Jurassic Pork
Sleeping Booty
The Loin King
The Sperminator
Cum And Cummer
White Men Can't Hump
You've Got Male
I'll Do Anyone
Snatch Adams
Schindler's Fist
Beverly Hills Copulator
The Joy Suck Club
Inspect Her Gadget
Free My Willy
I Know Who You Did Last Summer
Die Hard-on
Wet Dreams May Cum
Humped Back at Notre Dame
RobinÕs Wood
Batman in Robin
Breakfast On Tiffany
Riding Miss Daisy
Ed's Wood
Legs Wide Shut
American Booty
Field Of Wet Dreams
Good Will Humping
Pants/Off
Full Latex Jacket
Man On The Poon
Robocock
Young Buns
Honey, I Shrunk Your Clit
Bonfire of the Panties
The Bone Ranger
Glad-He-Ate-Her
Caddysnatch
Orifice Space
The Brady Munch
Pump Fiction
Gang Bang Related
XXX-Men
Position: Impossible
The Loin King
Play it to the Boner
Porn on the 4th of July
South Pork: Big, Long, and Uncut
Throbbin' Hood
Rambone
A Rear And Pleasant Danger
Mr. Holland's Anus
Buttman Forever
My Bare Lady
Creamer vs. Creamer
Yank My Doodle, It's a Dandy
Das Butt
Diddle-Her on the Roof
Sorest Rump
Ordinary Peepholes
Three Days Of The Condom
For Your Ass Only
Men in Back
The Inside-her
Ball Street
Spray it Forward
My Best Friends Wetting
The Legend in Bagger's Pants
Great Sexpectations
Six Degrees of Penetration
Pulp Friction
A Midsummer Night's Cream
As You Stroke It
Who Lies Beneath
Womb Raider
Saturday Night Beaver
Honey, I Shanked The Kids
Lord Of The Cock Rings
Booty & The Beast
Chitty Chitty Gang Bang
Add Momma To The Train
Twin Cheeks
Gangbangs Of New York
Star Whores
Breast Side Story
The Magnificent Semen
The Porn Identity
Charlie's Anals
Twat Lies Beneath
Eyes Wide Slut
Bang Hur
Bang The Dong Slowly
Driving Into Miss Daisy
Planet Of The Gapes
The Sexorcist
Porn Free
Sleeping With The Enema
The Bad Nudes Bared
My Big Fat Greek Penis
Inspect Her Gadget
Shaving Ryan's Privates
Anus & Andy
Black Booty
CreamCatcher
Apollo's 13
When Harry Wet Sally
Das Booty
Itty Bitty Gang Bang
Lord Of The G-Strings
1219-
The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.
"What are you going to use it for?" she asked.
"None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly offended.
"Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl." The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."
1220-
A South African loses a leg in a gold mining accident "I'm Fucked now"
he said, "Who'd want a one legged gold digger?"...
"Er me!" said Sir Paul McCartney
1221-
Childhood obesity is becoming a real problem, even to the point of putting our kids at real risk.
Kids are so fat that they can't outrun their parish priest.
1222-
A
young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading his Bible in a clearing
when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for
deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down by his other side.
Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his Bible.
As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him.
Moral: Don't try to read between the lions.
1223-
Nicknames for condoms:
Fiveskin
Navy Seal
Rascal Wrapper
Weinerhosen
Freudian Slip
Jimmy The Sleek
Mount Hood
Johnson Control
Surge Protector
Head Gasket
The Great Barrier Sheath
Little Red Riding Hood
Probe Robe
Propellant Repellant
Cock-a-doodle-don't
Wild Willy's Worm Puppet
Stiffie Stocking
Inconceivable
Love Glove
Rumpled Stiltskin
Woody's Wetsuit
Sperminal Terminal
Dong Sarong
Pricknic Basket
Dick C. Cup
Uterus Excluderous
Member Muzzle
Bone Bonnet
Gene Pool
Cummer Bun
Flesh Fedora
Wanger Hanger
SCUBA (Self-Contained Undercover Boning Apparatus)
Sleeve It To Beaver
Seal-A-Meal
Baby Buggie Buffer
Mr. Hardon's Dress X
Peter Parka
Chromosome Dome
Cloak For Dagger
Sperm-Aside
Pregnot
Hard Again Cardigan
Non-Breeder's Cup
Dork Cork
Throbbin' Hood
Full Latex Jacket
Child-Proof Lid
1224-
Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
1225-
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...
1226-
Heather Mills is demanding that she keeps the plane as part of her divorce settlement from Sir Paul.
Seems she uses it regularly to avoid getting splinters
1227-
The sculptor and one of his students went out for coffee after class. "You have the most delicate, slender hands," said the student, a rather gorgeous young thing. "Forgive me for saying it, but they belong on a woman." Not only did he forgive her, he obliged.
1228-
Signs You Smoke Too Much
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break".
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bringdown".
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap.
5. In your neighbourhood, they give directions by saying. "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts...".
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys".
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung.
1229-
My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.
Nancy's mother was very sceptical until Nancy said, "It's true, mum. Think of something to ask it."
As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
1230-
Paul McCartney is depressed about his marriage breakdown with Heather Mills.
He said yesterday “She’s a wonderful woman and I can’t imagine anyone else filling her shoe”
1231-
Situation: Winter time in the south, aircraft flying along his route of flight.
There had been reports from other pilots of icing (a hazardous accumulation of ice in various forms on aircraft control surfaces and in the
carburettor) along their routes.
Female Controller: "N123Z, verify you have icing on your route." (Pronounced "ROOT" in the south)
(long pause)
Male pilot of N123Z: "It's cold up here ma'am, but not that cold."
1232
Paul McCartney was worried about media reports that Heather Mills might be able to claim up to half of his £850 million fortune in a divorce settlement.
His lawyer, however, put his mind at rest and said “Forget it Paul, she doesn’t have a leg to stand on”
1233-
Acronyms
figmo - fuck it, got my orders
fubab - fucked up beyond all belief
fubar - fucked up beyond all recognition/repair
fumtu - fucked up more than usual
snafu - situation normal, all fucked up
tarfu - things are really fucked up
janfu - joint army-navy fuckup.
gfu - general fuck-up
samfu - self-adjusting military fuck-up
sapfu - surpassing all previous fuck-ups
susfu - situation unchanged, still fucked-up
WOFTAM - Waste Of Fucking Time And Money
RTFM - Read the Fucking Manual
1234-
The Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA) in England has published the following advisory notice.
“In order to assist other motorists in identifying potentially dangerous drivers, it’s now compulsory for anyone with a lower than average IQ and driving ability to display a warning flag.
The flag - a red cross on a white background - will be attached to the top of at least one door of their vehicle.”
1235-
We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain......
But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.
Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of immigration.......
1236-
Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.
1237-
I wouldn't be caught dead with a
necrophiliac.
1238-
THE MasterCard COMMERCIAL THAT NEVER MADE IT ON THE AIR
Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private dance and hotel room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to discuss your feelings...
.........Priceless
1239-
A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying blue paint.
Both crews have been totally marooned.
1240-
Interviewer: “So Sir Paul, would you go down on one knee again?”
Paul McCartney: “I'd prefer it if you called her Heather”.
1241-
"I once made love to a female clown. It was weird because she twisted my penis into a poodle."
1242-
Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
1243-
"According to a new study, 63% of men surveyed said they like to settle an argument by having sex. The other 37% of the men said they would never want to get into an argument with those men."
1244-
Mary: How did your blind date go the other night?
Jill: It was awful! He wanted to have a "ménage a trois."
Mary: Oh, Dear!
Jill: "Oh, Dear" is right! The "trois" was inflatable!
1245-
Q What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
A The McCartneys
1246-
On one of his television shows Bob Hope declared, "The hotel room where I am staying is so small that the rats are round-shouldered." Later he heard that the hotel was going to sue for damages unless he retracted. So on another show he retracted, " I'm sorry I said that the rats in that hotel were round-shouldered. They are not."
1247-
It’s a very sad world we live in when Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone wants to do is make jokes about her false leg.
Personally, I think it’s prosthetic.
1248-
QUOTATION OF THE WEEK:
"Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book." - Cicero, the Roman orator (106 B.C.–43 B.C.)
1249-
A man was sitting on his porch, when this fella walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.
"What can I do for you?" the man politely asked. "You selling something?"
"No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Taker."
"A what?"
"A Census Taker. We're trying to find out how many people are in the United States."
"You're wasting your time here. I have no idea."
1250-
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
1251-
Cunnilingus is a real tongue-twister.
1252-
My mum is very very possessive. She calls me up and says, "You weren't home last night. Is something going on?"
I say, "Yeah, Mum. I'm cheating on you with another mother."
1253-
This horse on a farm goes up to the cow and goes, "I have a bigger dick than you" then he beats him up.
The horse then goes up to a sheep and goes "I have a bigger dick than you" and beats him up too.
He then goes up to the female cat and says "I have a bigger dick than you" and the cat replies "I don't have a dick" then she beats up the horse.
The moral of the story is, no matter how big the dick, the pussy can always take it.
1254-
"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again."
1255-
One day, Sadie and Rose are talking about men.
"I have a question for you," says Rose.
"So ask it already," says Sadie.
"OK," says Rose. "If I meet a stranger at a party and I think that he’s attractive, do you think it’s OK to ask him straight away whether he's married?"
"No, certainly not," replies Sadie, "you should wait until morning."
1256-
Tony owns a local car repair garage. One day, Martin, one of his customers, arrives to pick up his car. Tony goes over to him, shakes his hand and says, "I’d just like to say thanks for your patronage. I wish I had 10 customers like you."
"Wow! It’s nice to hear you say that," says Martin, "but why are you thanking me? You know I always argue with your prices and I always complain about the work you do on my car."
"I know," says Harry, "but I'd still like 10 customers like you - the trouble is I have at least 50 like you."
1257-
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one. "I can't help feeling that we've met before". he said. "Yeah, I know". sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'.
1258-
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
1259-
"Suicide bombers – what makes them tick?"
1260-
Frisbeterian = Someone who believes that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and you can't get it down
1261-
Q. Who has big lips and climbs to the top of the Empire State Building?
A. Martin Luther Kong
1262-
1263-
"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." --Woody Allen.
1264-
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"
1265-
First Class Insults ...
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Your so narrow minded when you walk your earrings knock together.
Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
1266-
"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"
Richard beamed. "My old lady got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
1267-
The Beatles have reformed and brought out a new album..................
It’s mostly just drum and bass.
1268-
Doug stumbled into the bar and after several drinks confided to his friend Bill, "The next time I give her the ultimatum 'Screw or Walk' I must remember to be in my own car and not hers."
1269-
Last night police were called to a branch of Pizza Hut after a body of a member of staff was found covered in mushrooms, onions ham and cheese. The police spokesman said that there was a strong
possibility that the man had topped himself.
1270-
A man was walking down the street and he met a small boy. The man asked what was his name.
The boy replied, 'six and seven-eighths.'
The man asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and he replied, 'they just picked it out of a hat.'
1271-
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals.
2. Spiked hair and bald spots.
3. A pierced tongue and dentures.
4. Miniskirts and support hose.
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
6. Speedo's and cellulite.
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge.
10. Bikinis and liver spots,
11. Short shorts and varicose veins.
12. Inline skates and a walker.
13. Thongs and Depends.
And the ultimate "Bad Taste" in fashion for the "Older Folks" --
14. Pierced Nipples that hang below the waist.
1272-
Thorn comes home from work one afternoon and is stopped by his neighbour, "It may be none of my business, but this afternoon a strange man came to your house and your wife let him in. I peeked through the curtains and saw them making wild, passionate love."
Thorn said," Was he short, about 5'8"?
" Yes," the neighbour answers, " I believe he was."
" Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?" Thorn asked.
" Yes," the neighbour agrees.
" Then that was the mailman, Jim , " Thorn responds. "He'll screw anyone!...."
1273-
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT A TATTOO PARLOUR
"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
"We're all out of red, so I used pink."
"There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"
"Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."
"That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie."
"Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."
"Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."
"I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
"The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."
1274-
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." -- Bob Hope
1275-
Q. What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
A. Nice tits!
1276-
Reflections on the McCartney break up
News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"
"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this"
Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".
Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless"
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.
1277-
If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
K9P.
1278-
Las Vegas is a wild town. An hour after I had checked into a hotel, the house detective knocked on the door and said, "Do you have a woman in there?" I told him I didn't, so he threw one in.
1279-
Michael Jackson and his new wife are sitting in a hospital room after she has just given birth to their brand new baby boy. The doctor walks in and Michael asks, "How long should we wait to have sex?"
The doctor answers, "Wait until he's at least 14."
1280-
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"
1281-
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen.
1282-
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery.
There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.
1283-
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
1284-
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
1285-
I see your IQ test results were negative.
1286-
I think your problem is low self-esteem.
It is very common among losers.
1287-
Mr. Johns from USA, goes to Israel to visit all the holy places there.
On his tour he came by the Sea of Galilee and saw a man on a small boat with a sign " Sea of Galilee Tours", He asked the
man: "How much for a tour?"
The man said:" 380 Shekels"
" What? why so much?"
"Well sir" said the man : "you know that the Lord Jesus walked on these water"
"Yeah" said Mr. Johns: "with prices like that, I'm not bloody surprised!"
1288-
A man was standing on a train platform seeing the train off and he observed someone near him shouting at one of the departing passengers, "Goodbye. Your wife was a great lay! Your wife was a great lay!"
He was stunned. After the train pulled away, he walked over to the man and asked, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you tell that man his wife was a great lay?"
The other man shrugged his shoulders. "It isn't really true," he said, "but I don't want to hurt his feelings."
1289-
I was in a hurry the other day when I stopped at the supermarket for a packet of cigarettes and, knowing I wouldn’t be long, parked in a disabled space.
When I came out 2 minutes later the supermarket manager was there looking angry.
He said in a sarcastic tone “What’s your disability then?”
Quick as a flash I replied “Tourettes. Now fuck off”
1290-
After giving the hired man a dressing down for being late in returning with supplies, the farmer demanded, "Okay, now let's hear how it happened, Miller."
"Well, I picked up a minister along the road," explained the hired hand, "and from there on the mules couldn't understand a word I said."
1291-
Did you hear it on the news today about that American actress who got stabbed? Reese somebody or other.
Witherspoon?
No. With a knife.
1292-
Mike picked up an attractive woman, named Linda, who flagged down his car in a seedy part of town. As they rode, he asked her what she did for a living. Linda winked at Mike and said, "I'm a magician." "No way," Mike scoffed. 'Prove it." So Linda touched him on the thigh, and "Poof" Mike turned into a hotel.
1293-
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
1294-
They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
1295-
One nice thing about egotists.
They don't talk about other people.
1296-
Have you heard about the new Australian range of sun block called Irwin? Protects against harmful rays...
1297-
A Mini car crashes into the back of Melvyn's Rolls Royce as Melvyn is waiting to turn right. The Mini driver is furious. "Why didn't you indicate?" he shouts.
"What would have been the point?" shrugs Melvyn, "If you couldn’t see my Rolls Royce, how could you have seen my indicator?"
1298-
As Sam is walking down Golders Green Road, he’s accosted by a
beggar. "Please can you give me £1?" says the beggar.
"Why should I?" asks Sam.
"Because I need to buy a cup of tea," replies the beggar.
"But a cup of tea is only 50p," says Sam.
"I know," says the beggar," but I’m a big tipper."
1299-
Superman was flying over metropolis on a warm sunny
afternoon, when gazing down he was surprised to see Wonderwoman sunbathing on the roof of the Daily Planet. She was stark naked, laying on her back with her legs spread wide. The view aroused
Superman who thought "I'll have some of that"
He dived down and had his way with her on the dead run.
"What the hell was that", exclaimed Wonderwoman.
"I don't know", said The Invisible Man, "but it sure was painful"
1300-
Dear Abby, I've been going out with this girl for a couple of weeks now and I really like her and want to take the relationship to the next level. I have one problem though. On our first date she told me she was sick, but I can't remember if she said she had TB or VD. What should I do? Lovelorn, Portland, OR
Dear Lovelorn: If she coughs a-lot, screw her.
1301-
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk aisle, you hear cows mooing and there is a scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the eggs, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more...
1302-
They say the dog is man's best friend. I don't believe that.
How many of your friends have you neutered?
1303-
Q. Why does the Avon Lady walk funny?
A. Her lips stick.
1304-
There are many ways to say I love you, but screwing is the fastest.
1305-
(On a T shirt worn by a well developed young lady)
This T shirt is in Braille, please read slowly
1306-
A plump gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some rare Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a veritable bum ?"
"I'm very sorry, sir." began the contrite headwaiter.
"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "But I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."
1307-
Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces the silence...
"Well, fucking stop doing it then!"
1308-
A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator then proceeded to pull out a .45 automatic and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will
1309-
Guy Ritchie has just announced `That's the last time I let Madonna use my credit card to treat herself to a little black number!`
1310-
The call girl confided to her friend, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to give up analysis."
"But why? Isn't Dr. Greene helping you?"
"Yes, a lot," the call girl agreed. "Problem is, I just can't get used to lying down for a guy and then having him give me the bill."
1311-
Genuine 911 Call
Woman: I just had a baby and the doctor told me to do those Kegel exercises - you know to tighten up things down there [giggle]
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am, I understand. Are you in pain?
Woman: No, no, no. It's not that. It's just that every time I do those exercises I have an orgasm.
Dispatcher: I'm sorry, did you say "orgasm"?
Woman: Yes. Am I doing them right?
Dispatcher: Sounds like it to me.
1312-
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in my sights."
1313-
I’m fed up with shops that give false promises:-
You can’t buy a curry at Currys
You can’t buy boots at Boots
And Superdrug has always been a big disappointment.
1314-
My wife has Old Dyson's syndrome. She makes a constant whining noise and doesn't suck any more!
1315-
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi' jam in
1316-
There are three brothers called David, Henry and Alan. One day, they meet Peter, who has just moved into the house next door to them. Unfortunately, Peter is cross-eyed.
"What’s your name?" Peter asks David.
"Henry," replies Henry.
"I wasn’t talking to you," Peter says to Henry.
"But I didn’t say anything," says Alan
1317-
Q: Why do pensioners enjoy being called ‘seniors’?
A: Because the term comes with a 10% percent discount.
1318-
The attractive young thing was about to go to bed with her blind date when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!"
"I believe ya," her date said, as he tried to comfort her.
"You're the first one," she gulped.
"The first one to make love to you?" he asked.
"No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me."
1319-
Really Really Bad Jokes ...
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
1320-
Rodeo Pick-up Lines
"Got 8 seconds?"
"Ropes, spurs, leather gloves -- Honey, even if I weren't no cowboy, we're talking a good time!"
"Honey, I need a belt buckle this large to keep from gettin' arrested in Mississippi."
"Ain't no rodeo clown in the world that could keep me off you, Darlin'."
"Here's my number, call me when you need a few bucks."
"Run if ya want, Missy, but I'll have you hog-tied quicker than you can say 'stay away from me you
Skoal-chewin' freak.'"
"How'd you like to put a pinch of me between your cheek and gum?"
"Them calves of yours sure look like they could use a bit of ropin'."
"I'll be in Intensive Care later. Why don't you drop by?"
"You sure make me wish I hadn't crapped my pants when that bull charged."
"Is that a pelvis broken in three places, or are you just happy to see me?"
"That's right, I said 'AND the horse you rode in on."
1321-
Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled... isn't she adorable?"
Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."
Father: "I was talking about the nurse."
1322-
Future Quotes from Grandparents
"Hell, I remember when we only had 500 channels of mind-numbing crap to watch!"
"You call that *dancing*? Shoot! Tell your grandma to bring that 'Macarena' CD over here and I'll show you some REAL dancing."
"When I was your age, we didn't have surgically implanted telepathy microchips! When we wanted to talk to our friends, we had to use a CELL PHONE!"
"Senility, my ass! I'm telling you President Hasselhoff used to have a talking car!"
"When I was your age, we didn't admire the grace and beauty of a tuna swimming in some aquarium tank! No, sirree. We *ate* the bastards -- right out of the can!"
1323-
What is the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva?
The former is a hunt on the course.
1324-
My ship, a Navy destroyer, took a group of Naval Academy midshipmen on a cruise of European ports. When my wife heard about this, she decided to meet the ship at its various destinations. As we pulled into each port, there she was on the dock, smiling and waving as we
manoeuvred alongside.
At our final port, there she was again.
"It's true what they say about the Navy," I said to the midshipman standing next to me. "We do have a girl in every port."
"Yes, sir," he replied. "But the same one?"
1325-
A blonde walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says,
"Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?"
He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
1326-
Some Foreign Phrase Translations
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO
Lost in the mail
IDIOS AMIGOS
We're wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
COGITO EGGO SUM
I think; therefore I am a waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS
The cat is dead.
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish.
QUE SERA SERF
Life is feudal.
1327-
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
What do you mean, "I'll be back"
Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different colour?
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
What's that priest doing here?
You look just like Charles Manson.
Let it down slowly.
Rat poison only kills rats.
OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.
It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
I'll get your toast out.
Give me liberty or give me death.
Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
It's strong enough for both of us.
This doesn't taste right.
I can make this light before it changes.
Nice doggie.
I can do that with my eyes closed.
I've done this before.
Well we've made it this far.
That's odd.
Hey that's not a violin.
I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
1328-
Mary: "Kids these days are so fickle. My Susie has changed majors THREE times this year!"
Jill: "I didn't know Susie was in college."
Mary: "She's not. She's in the ARMY
1329-
A woman rushes into the lobby of a large hotel and sprints up to the reception desk. Seeing that the only member of staff is talking on the phone, she hammers on the bell for service. The man at the desk slowly puts down the phone.
"Yes?" he says, annoyed. "
Excuse me," says the woman, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk stares at her for a second and looks her up and down. "Not bad," he smiles. "Not bad at all."
1330-
Bumper Stickers
The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
1331-
Advertising Terms Explained
NEW - Different colour from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything!
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.
1332-
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine--what's that?" she asked.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, then you're going to be here after I'm gone."
1333-
50 Dumb uses for used condoms...
1) Bicycle handle grips.
2) French tickler animals.
3) Shower caps for people with tiny heads.
4) Put one on a lightbulb for mood lighting.
5) Fill one with helium and tie a note to it.
6) Get 1000 and make a submarine.
7) Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.
8) Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.
9) Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding.
10) Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.
11) Water wings for those non-swimmers.
12) Use 500 of them to spell out "We Want Women!!" on your house.
13) Jello molds.
14) Finger puppets.
15) A wind sock.
16) Use as a bobber when fishing.
17) Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking it.
18) Practical joke: Put one on an exhaust pipe.
19) Suspenders.
20) Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise be better?)
21) Small animal muzzle.
22) Put them on your fingers & play proctologist.
23) Put them on your toes to make swimfins.
24) Draw eyeballs on them and make funny glasses.
25) Automatic door closing devices.
26) Have 'water' balloon fights.
27) Glue a bunch together and use to replace silicon breast implants.
28) Freeze them for an all- natural popsicle.
29) Glue several together and sell as a "Stretch Man" toy.
30) Use for a Xmas stocking stuffing for those that screwed you.
31) Ear/nose plugs.
32) Use 365 of them to make into a tyre, and call it a "Good Year".
33) Replace those old "Dr. Scholls" shoe cushions.
34) Feed them to your pet iguana, Clyde.
35) Paint scales on them & put them in a fishtank.
36) "I challenge you to a duel!"
37) Drain plugs.
38) Put them in with your tax return.
39) Go see "Saturday Night Fever" and throw them at the screen.
40) Punching bags.
41) Hang them on the blades of a ceiling fan.
42) Send 69 of them to your ex-girlfriend.
43) Novelty key rings.
44) Hang them all around your windshield and be a chicano.
45) Spell "Happy Birthday" on a cake.
46) Break out your paints and make wax fruit.
47) Glue them on your nipples and try to swing them in opposite directions.
48) Make a patch work "water" bed.
49) Put your money in one. Nobody will steal it!
50) Stick one on the bridge of your nose and run around saying "Gobble Gobble".
1334-
Why are gypsies lousy lovers?
Crystal Balls
1335-
The lingerie store was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine's Day gifts for their wives. A young man came to the register with a lacy black negligee.
The next customer in line, an elderly farmer, was holding a plain white flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man's far sexier choice.
When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter and asked, "Would you have anything in black flannel and lace?"
1336-
Any budding rugby players out there?
I hear Ipswich are short of five hookers!
1337-
Ipswich town football club have postponed all their games .
The dyslexic serial killer has killed all the substitutes!
1338-
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I
dialled him and got a woman.
"Is Robert there?" I asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up. When he didn't return the call, I
dialled again. This time a man answered. "This is Robert," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half- hour."
1339-
WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln
1340-
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
1341-
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
1342-
"Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women frequently complain about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them."
1343-
Q. Did you hear about the new Greek tampon?
A. It's called "Abzorba the Leak."
1344-
People with tourettes--what makes them tick?
1345-
A guy is dropping off a girl at the end of their first date. As he's kissing her goodnight, he pulls down his zipper, takes out his cock, and puts it in her hand. She says, "I've got two words for you! Drop dead!" She jumps out, slams the car door, runs up the walk, storms in the house, and slams the front door. Then, there's a knock on the door. She answers it, and the guy is standing there with tears in his eyes. He says, "And I've got two words for you...let go!"
1346-
I called the local newspaper's classified section to complain about an ad I'd placed. It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm.
"I said 'ewes'," I argued.
"Pardon?" replied the operator.
"Ewes. It makes a difference to some people."
The ad that was placed read: "Sheep for sale--USED."
1347-
A guy walks into a whorehouse. On his dick it says "Shortie's." One of the whores felt bad for him so she gives him a blow job.
All the other whores were laughing at her until they came out of the room. It turns out that his dick said "Shortie's Bar and Grill in Albuquerque, New Mexico."
1348-
The PASTA DIET - IT REALLY WORKS!!
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
1349-
After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country.
"It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour."
The passenger was astonished. "A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?"
"Sure," said the Southerner. "She doesn't care how I cut the grass."
1350-
In bygone days, a thin man insulted a large man. The large man challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols.
On the day of the duel a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held by the thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin man came up with a solution.
"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to his opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't count."
1351-
Girl: "I know you really look like Napoleon Bonaparte."
Boy: "Great, isn't it?"
Girl: "Yes, but you differ in one aspect from him."
Boy: "And that is?"
Girl: "You have to put your hand in your own blouse."
1352-
Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
Which is worse?
1) having your mistress find out you're married.
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
1353-
An Irish woman was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex.
Doctors removed 2 Nokias 3 Motorolas and 1 Samsung but no Siemen was found.
1354-
I was stood at the cash
machine and there was a little old lady struggling to see the screen.
She said to me can you check my balance?
So I pushed her over.
1355-
An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."
1356-
A dyslexic, looking to get drunk, walks into a bra.
1357-
Q. Why does a one-storey brothel make more money than a two-storey brothel?
A. Because there's no fucking overhead.
1358-
Q. What's the basic plot for a romance novel set in the inner city?
A. In the end, the hero gets the heroin.
1359-
Jill the call-girl was busily appointing hours to the regulars at her favourite dive.
"John, you can come at seven-ish. Hey Joe, you can come over at around eight-ish, and you, Jim, I've got you in at around nine-ish."
Then she looked around the crowded, seedy bar, and cooed, "Ten-ish, anyone?"
1360-
How do you get a fat girl into your bed?
Piece of cake.
1361-
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
1362-
A cowboy is driving down a back road near Cotulla, Texas... sign in front of a restaurant reads:
Happy Hour Special... Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favourite things!!"
1363-
"When my sugar daddy dies," confided Justine to Janie,
"I inherit the lot... it's in his last will and testicles."
"You mean testament," chuckled Janie.
"No, testicles..." said Justine, "I've got him by the balls."
1364-
I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in 2000. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store", and that was it. There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair. I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?" He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck." I said, "What do you hunt?" He said, "Somethin' to fuck."
1365-
In a bid to stave off claims that she is a racist, Jade Goody has converted to Islam.
Her new Muslim name is Yafat Fuqa.
1366-
I told her that she was like a fine wine and I am like a corkscrew!
1367-
Jeff was married and a philanderer. A friend finally took him to task.
"When you run around with other women, doesn't your conscience bother you?"
"Yes, for a certain length of time...and then if I don't hear from their lawyers, I feel better."
1368-
A woman was at a
friend's wedding and the friend's father asked her to dance with him. He was pretty drunk, but she figured what the hell. So they were dancing and she asked, "So, are you enjoying yourself Richard?"
He said, "I prefer Dick."
She said "Well so do I, but what does that have to do with anything?"
1369-
Bob checked into his hotel room and immediately noticed a dead cockroach on the floor. He called the front desk, asked for the manager and raised a fuss.
"Sir, please calm down," the manager replied. "It's dead. It can't bother you now."
"The dead roach doesn't bother me." Bob said. "It's his pallbearers and the funeral party."
1370-
"Good morning, ma'am, I've come to ask for collections, for the Salvation Army," said the man in the bright red Santa suit to the woman who opened the door wearing nothing but panties and a see-through negligee.
"How do I know that?" the young woman replied. "How do I know you're really with the Salvation Army? How do I know you aren't some sex fiend who has come to take advantage of a poor,
defenceless female who's all alone in her house ... and will be until 5:30pm this evening?"
1371-
A guest lecturer to the Medical College stopped by the bulletin board.
Listed for the day was the topic, " Surprises in Obstetrics".
Scrawled under it in pencil were the words, " Mary had a little lamb."
1372-
Man: "Can I buy you a whisky?"
Lady: "No you can't, whisky is bad for my legs"
Man: "That's a shame, do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they open!"
1373-
Jack and Jill were parked one dark summer night in Lovers Lane, when all of a sudden Jill said, "Oh, don't do that, or I'll go all to pieces!"
Jack replied, "Go right ahead...I've got my hand on the piece I want!"
1374-
Why do breasts have nipples on the end of them?
Because if they didn't they would be pointless.
1375-
First the tarts, then the turkeys!
The chance of getting a gobble in Suffolk have almost vanished.
1376-
"My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week."
"Why is that?"
"I'm screwing his wife."
1377-
My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her."
"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?"
"No, that's not what made her the maddest."
"It's not?"
"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains."
1378-
A campus biggie went out for the first time with a vivacious little baton-twirling champion of the college marching band, and he ended up in hospital. "What happened, Bob?" inquired his visiting roommate.
Let's call it a case of over reaction," groaned the patient. "After the dance and a hamburger, we drove over and parked in Memorial Grove. Matters proceeded nicely, and she began to give me a tantalising slow hand job - but then some jerk in the car alongside began to whistle the school fight song!"
1379-
The man lay naked on the grass in a secluded part of the park, a dazed but oddly happy expression on his face. "What happened?" asked the cop.
"I was - uh - minding my own business," mumbled the man, "when a gang of teenage girls came along and jumped me and - uh - tore off my clothes. And then. . . "
"And then what?"
"And then all heaven broke loose!"
1380-
A city bloke was visiting the outback and he booked into an old hotel with an outside toilet. After he'd put his suitcase on the bed, the first thing he did was go to the toilet. Trouble was, he couldn't get near it for blowflies. So he went and saw the manager to make a complaint.
"I just went to the toilet and couldn't get near it for blowies."
The manager looked up at the bar room clock and said, "It's only 11:30, mate. Could you hang on for another half-hour? Until 12 o'clock? The blowies will all be in the dining room then."
1381-
I remember this time that I took Lewis to a celebratory dinner at a really posh restaurant. We walked in, were ushered to a table by a formally dressed maitre d', and sat down at a table on which were displayed the finest china and crystal. Taking the damask napkin from the solid silver napkin ring, Lewis unfolded it, put it around his neck and proceeded to tie a knot in the back.
Staring at him, the maitre d' said, between gritted teeth, "Sir, will you have a shave or a haircut?"
1382-
On a balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship spied smoke coming from one of three huts on an island they thought was deserted. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a "survivor."
He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"
The captain of the ship replied, "But we saw THREE huts."
The survivor said, "Oh, Well. I live in one, and go to church in another."
"What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain.
"That's where I USED to go to church."
1383-
It was at a cocktail party and the guy was getting nowhere with a really stunning blonde. Finally, he consulted the host - a buddy - about the situation and the latter thought a bit, then said, "Look let me mix her up one of my special Zombies. It'll get her so stiff that she'll go to bed with ya just like your wife."
"Hell no." reacted the guy. "I don't want her THAT stiff."
1384-
Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a transexual making love with a dog, and a woman accommodating five men at once.
"If elected, I vow that tapes such as these will no longer befoul our fair community."
He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking, "Are there any questions?"
Five people shouted in unison, "Where'd you rent the tape?"
1385-
There was a woman who spent some months serving God in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies. She wanted to always remember this moment and try to share it with friends when she arrived home.
With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?"
Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery."
1386-
"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said, as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.
"No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."
"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."
1387-
EPT (early pregnancy test)
Blue means not pregnant.
Pink means pregnant.
Brown means you had it in the wrong hole.
1388-
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
1389-
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"
The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're full of shit!"
1390-
Little Johnny had a first date lined up with a woman he had been after for quite a while. When she finally consented to go out with him, he wanted to plan the most romantic evening he could.
He picked her up at her apartment, and then drove out to the beach. Little Johnny had prepared very carefully for this date and brought out a blanket for them to sit upon the sand and a bottle of the finest wine. The moonlight was shining down on them and Little Johnny poured his date some wine. He handed her the glass, looked lovingly in to her eyes and said,
"Now this is what I call romantic. The waves crashing on the shore, the moonlight in your eyes, a warm tropical breeze, a bottle of wine.....," he takes a sip of wine and says, "Oh and by the way...do you Spit or Swallow?
1391-
An old man sitting on the nursing home porch in the spring sunlight turns to the old man sitting next to him and chuckles, "Spring days like this really take me back. Do you remember the first time you made love to your wife?"
"Hell No", says the other fellow, "I don't even remember the LAST time...."
1392-
Linda was bringing home her new boyfriend to meet her folks for the first time. Her mum knew that Linda was so in love with this guy, and she wanted to make a good impression on him so she prepared all these down-home type dishes.
As dinner progressed, things were going well, and although the boyfriend didn't have a clue what some of the food was, he balked only once, at a platter piled high with cow tongue. He politely declined, saying he didn't want to eat anything that came out of an animal's mouth.
Linda's dad picked up an egg and gave it to him.
1393-
What did the dirty old tramp say to a bunch of school girls?
"Hey girls, do you wanna go turkey shootin?"
"OK" came the reply.
"Good, you gobble I'll shoot."
1394-
A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a box of crabs.
A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
Shortly before landing, she couldn't remember who gave her the package, so she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up.
So she took them home and ate them herself!
1395-
"There's a new café in New York City where guys go in and they can scan profiles of women who are already in the place, and if they find a woman that's interesting to them, for the price of a cover charge, the staff will arrange an introduction.
Didn't that used to be called a whorehouse?
1396-
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
Men's restroom, Murphy's Bar
1397-
Q: Why are you married to that sadist?
A: Beats me!
1398-
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.
The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."
The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.
"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"
"No, Madam," said he maid. "Not your husband...the mail man!!"
1399-
What does a dwarf get if he runs between a woman’s legs?
A clit around the ear,
A flap across the face,
And a crack on the head.
1400-
Q: What's the best thing about dating homeless girls?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.
1401-
Top 10 Online Lies
10. "I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend".
9. "You're different...........I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before."
8. "I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile...............but tell me more about yourself."
7. "I never do cybersex!! Yet here in this room alone with you, well I'm getting excited"
6. "Yes of course I'm female............"
5. "No this is my only screen name....You mean you can have more then one?"
4. "I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and guys love my body!" Male version is "I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out"
3. "I'm not like most of the guy's here, I just want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other" (at the hotel coffee shop)
2. "I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts" (Which is
true, except it means "I'm horny and could care less, just type")
1. "Tonight my love...........our souls have touched.
1402-
According to 'Men's Health' magazine, the average man has had sex in a car 15 times.
That's something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.
1403-
Why is it that every time I lose weight it finds me again?
1404-
I am NOT "going bald." I'm "getting more head."
1405-
I dialled a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
1406-
What do you call 100 nuns in a shop?
Virgin Megastore.
1407-
What's the most dangerous insect?
The hepatitis bee
1408-
How do you kill off an entire circus?
Go for the juggler
1409-
A salesman was given a hotel room next to one occupied by honeymooners. The walls were thin, and the sounds of sustained sexual frenzy poured through. Finally the salesman could stand it no longer. He pounded on the walls, yelling, "Knock it off -- there's other people trying to get some sleep!"
From the other room came a weak, faltering male voice which said, "Yell louder, mister, she can't hear you!"
1410-
"I don't know why, but I've always found it difficult to make friends.
Know what I mean, Dickhead?"
1411-
Jack was nimble Jack was quick.
But Jill preferred the candlestick!
1412-
Bud and Dan went to a strip bar to watch the girls. They're having a good time; but one of the strippers walks back over to Bud with a mean look on her face.
She says, " You can't tip me with Monopoly money! It's FAKE!!"
Well, Bud looks up at her and says back, "Well, look at those titties, they're FAKE!!"
1413-
When I woke up this morning, I was sucking my thumb and my pants were wet. Apparently I slept like a baby.
1414-
So this really drunk, obnoxious guy kept bothering me at the party last weekend.
What happened?
Well, he cornered me, pulled his thing out of his pants, and asked me, "Do you want to suck it?"
What did you do?
Well, I think I handled it pretty well. I just said, "No, you Go ahead. You don't have enough to share."
1415-
Are thee up for some
ploughing?
-- Amish pickup line
1416-
Quickies
Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs? A: Michael Jackson slumber party.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
You can tell when a person is well informed: their views are pretty much like your own.
If you laid every woman of earth end to end... you'd probably have a really sore penis.
An orgasm is a gland finale
Q. What's the difference between a women that's had a child and a women who hasn't? A. One has a has a tiny tot, and one has a tiny twat.
A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.
Q: What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire? A: He drowns!
Q. Why do Italians wear gold chains around their necks? A. So they will know where to stop shaving.
I've really been working out, lately. Soon I'll be able to touch my toes. Well, as soon as my fingernails grow another 24 inches or so...
Q. What do you call a camel with no humps? A. Humphrey
Q. How much does a grand piano cost? A. $1000.00.
The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labelled, "no fat", "low fat", "reduced fat " ; and "fat, but with a great personality."
1417-
Two Irish mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first Irish mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."
1418-
Random Bits
"Right now in Spain, it's the annual Running of the Bulls. Followed, of course, by the Soiling of the Pants and then the Burying of the Idiots."
Did you hear Tonya Harding and Michael Jackson bought Aqueduct Racetrack? She's going to do the handicapping and he's going to ride the three- year-olds.
A camel and an elephant were having a chat. The elephant says to the camel "Why have you got your tits on your back?" The camel replies "That's rich coming from someone who has their dick on their face!"
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you're doing?"
One of the Japanese men says, "We are all berry hungry."
The waitress says, "So how is whacking off in this restaurant going to help that situation?"
Another businessman replies, "Because menu say, first come first served."
1419-
You often hear that "blood is thicker than water". Well I've got both of them coming out of my arse at the moment, and to be perfectly honest I can't feel any difference.
1420-
"When a man loves a woman, can't keep his mind on nuthin' else" crooned Percy Sledge during the summer of 1966. I would have to disagree, as during sexual intercourse with my wife I routinely think about our next door neighbour Brenda and her border collie.
1421-
I'm fed up with finding my e-mail inbox stuffed full of adverts for penis enlarging pills. In the interests of sexual equality, isn't it about time that they started bombarding women's computers with adverts for
pussy tightening tablets?
1422-
Midgets do go on, don't they? But for all their whingeing, they conveniently ignore the fact that they are able to fly abroad in cheap economy seats, in which they enjoy all the legroom benefits a normal sized person has to buy a first class ticket to experience. As someone who flies often, the whole situation disgusts me.
1423-
Quickies
All men are not fools, there are still some bachelors.
One of the side effects of Viagra is a headache. Every time I take a pill, my wife gets a headache.
Diamonds are a girls best friend. A dog is a mans best friend. So which is the dumber sex?
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
1424-
I love oral sex.
But, it's the phone bill I hate.
1425-
Famous Altered Egos
Bruise Lee: inept martial-arts student
Merlyn Streep: professional magician
Sean Cannery: manager, fish-packing plant
Splint Eastwood: respected osteopath
Bette Fidler: skilled symphony musician
Marlon Brandy: maker of fine liqueurs
Jackie Masonry: journeyman bricklayer
Draw Barrymore: portrait artist
Leonardo de Cappuccino: founder, coffee-shop chain
1426-
12 COUNTRY SONGS FOR 2007
12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.
11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.
10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.
8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
7. I Wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
5. I'm So Miserable without you, It's just like You're Still Here.
4. If I Had Shot You When I First wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By now.
3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Miss my buddy.
2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger
1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few
1427-
On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.
"Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?"
"Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"
1428-
A movie producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of excitement. "How'd the meeting go?" asks the first guy.
"It went great," says his buddy. "Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million."
"Fabulous," says the guy by the pool.
"There's just one catch," his partner warns.
"What's the catch?"
"We have to put up ten thousand in cash".
1429-
* Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear in a Department Store
10. "You want to use the fitting room or try this on at my place?"
9. "Check it out -- this one's good for hiding body parts"
8. "You know how we can offer such low prices? We're connected to the mafia"
7. "Try our new scent -- it makes you smell just like Regis"
6. "Last night after work I got lucky on this couch"
5. "Can I take a picture of your feet for my web site?"
4. "I live in a dark, greasy space under the escalator"
3. "For today only, you can pay for your purchases with hugs"
2. "Have you seen a chimp in boys' overalls?"
1. "If you're interested, I sell the same junk out of my van, half-price"
1430-
One-liners
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.
I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
What we could really use is the separation of Bush and state.
Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.
If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make them livid, tell the truth.
There is something wrong if you're always right.
Whenever you need something you can't find it, if you don't need it it's all over.
It isn't the principle of the thing, it's the money.
When you have a pain someplace, everyone will hit you on that spot.
When you try to be sophisticated something will happen to make you look bad.
Never remember what you can afford to forget.
1431-
Some people can tell time by looking at the sun, but I've never been able to see the numbers.
1432-
1433-
How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate its titalot.
1434-
Top 10 Attributes of Really Lazy People
1. Inability to put forth the effort required to complete any task.
1435-
Did you hear about the Irishman who stepped into the path of a steam train?
He was chuffed to bits!
1436-
One of my elderly women neighbours was held up in by a dark
alley on her way home from a church bingo game. She tried to plead with the robber that she had no money, but he insisted that it must be in her bra and started feeling around. Not finding any money, he placed his hand in her panties and felt around there. "I told you I haven't got any money." the lady said. "But if you keep doing that, I'll write you a cheque."
1437-
A Dominatrix asked a man to marry her. He said, ‘No thanks love, I don’t want to get tied down’.
1438-
A man with a terrible stutter walks into a shop and asks for a Mars Bar and comes out with 500 packs of M & M’s.
1439-
My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said "Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock class of vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said "Listen bitch.....do it and die."
1440-
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are - eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
1441-
A bit of fun?
Follow these steps:
1. Go to www.google.co.uk
2. Click on maps.
3. Click on get directions. (top of screen)
4. Type in from ' new york ' to ' brixton, england '.
5. Scroll down the directions to number 21
1442-
I have a brother who was on a plane that had taken off and was approaching cruising altitude, when one of the flight attendants came on the public-address system. She announced that she was sorry, but the plane's restroom was out of order. The flight attendant went on to apologize to the passengers for any inconvenience. But then she finished cheerily with: "So, as compensation, free drinks will be served."
1443-
If music be the food of love why don't rabbits sing?
1445-
Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her. After some really passionate embracing, he said,
"Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Jack was amazed.
"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"
1446-
A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a Qantas flight from London to Melbourne, Australia.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
1447-
An important executive was telling friends at his country club about some of his experiences.
"So I bought this yacht that could carry fifty people and I took it out for a maiden voyage and it hit a reef and sunk. Then I bought an airplane and on the first flight it hit another plane on the field and burned up. Then I married this beautiful blonde and no sooner did I get home than I found her fooling around with the chauffeur and I had to divorce her."
"So what's the moral?" one of the others asked.
"Clear as a bell," said the executive.
"If it swims, flies, or fucks, lease it, don't buy it."
1448-
Four cowboys were at the old saloon in Tombstone playing poker. A lot of money was at stake as the cards were dealt, and each was keeping a sharp eye on the other.
As one of the players called the hand and laid out his cards, another one stood up in amazement.
"Hey, George is cheatin'. He ain't playin' the cards I dealt him!"
1449-
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn't cheat. I just misunderstood what the crap table was for.
1450-
The crowded elevator had just begun to rise when a well-stacked miss screamed and
said, "I've been geesed!"
"You mean you've been goosed," corrected the proper fellow standing next to her.
"I can count." came her sarcastic reply.
1451-
We sent our parents during the Mardi Gras festivals to New Orleans for their 55th Anniversary. They had a nice room in a hotel just outside of Bourbon Street. Dad who was 82 couldn't sleep and decided to take a walk at 1 A. M., the first night there. As he was cruising down Bourbon Street, he saw a skimpily dressed woman on a balcony above him. "Would you like to sleep with me for $100," she called down to him.
He answered, "Making love at my age is always a real effort. But I could sure use the money."
1452-
"Yes," the English Lord told his guest, "everything in this castle was built the hard way. Life is not worth living without challenge! The land on which it was raised? A swamp. I had it drained and filled with rocks and timber. These beams," he gestured grandly, "came from trees cut in a wood in Spain. The stone was quarried in Africa under the very eyes of cannibals."
Just then a beautiful young woman walked over. The English Lord announced, "This is my daughter Elizabeth."
Returning the guest's curious stare, the English Lord confided, "Yes.. on a horse in a raging thunderstorm."
1453-
HEY..My Town Was So Tough...
Hotels that ask your name, address and next of kin to register.
Ice-cream trucks that play "taps"
Gun shops that have "Back to School" sales.
High school newspapers with obituary columns.
Restaurants that serve broken leg of lamb.
Bowling alleys where most people bowl overhand.
Schools that require a sick note co-signed by a parole officer.
Christmas pageants that feature the three Wise Guys.
Advice columns with hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw.
A 911 emergency service with a two day waiting list.
Mothers who give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man.
The Girl Scouts sell nookie door to door.
Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are required subjects.
1454-
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
1455-
I passed my ethics exam. Of course I've cheated.
1456-
The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to
writing. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"
1457-
Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her country home and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nancy out for a night on the town. After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nancy went to Bill's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they retire to the bedroom. "Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't think my sister would like it." "Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it."
1458-
Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?
1459-
A sweet little old lady surprised the young social worker that was interviewing her when she volunteered, " Of course I believe in sex on the first date. "
"That's pretty modern thinking for an 80-year-old woman," the social worker commented.
"Well honey, you know one can never be sure of having a the second date with these old guys!"
1460-
I sat with my infant son in front of the TV, hostage to my husband's channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless.
"Honey, change the channel," I said, shielding my son's eyes. "He shouldn't see this."
"It's okay." my husband replied. "He probably thinks it's the Food Network."
1461-
Son: Do you want to be buried or cremated?
Father: Surprise me.
1462-
Two business men in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store .. as yet, the store isn't ready -- only a few shelves are set up. One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious fellow walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?" One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here."
Without skipping a beat, the southern fellow says, "Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left !"
1463-
A friend of mine was having sex with a girl one time, and she suddenly poked her fingers in his eyes!!!
Mind you he's a rapist.
1464-
I went to an auction the other day.
I always liked his show so when Steve Irwin's wet suit came up for offer I bid and won. I was a bit pissed off though when
I got it home. Had a right large fucking whole in the middle.
1465-
Just watched that Harry Potter film, but it's pretty unrealistic, I mean... a ginger kid with two friends.
1466-
Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging.
"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in New York," says Sadie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends. "
Sophie replies, "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."
1467-
A woman who works for the state of California got a call from a man who paused when she told him the name of her agency. He then asked her to repeat it. "It's the Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs," she told him again.
There was another pause. "For gosh sakes, sign me up," he said. "I didn't do too well when I was young."
1468-
- The holidays are coming soon, where are you going this time?
- Well, last year we took a trip around the world. This year we would like to go somewhere different!
1469-
What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, it'll die.
1470-
After 35 years of accident free driving I finally had a wreck. I am fine, but it was one of those stupid rear end collisions, where it could have been avoided. It was really nobody's fault.
To my surprise, the guy I hit was a dwarf. He stormed out of his car, stomped back to my car and shouted at me, " I AM NOT HAPPY !".
So, I asked him, " Well, which one are you ?"
1471-
A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of dildos.
Unfortunately he’s having trouble with squatters.
1472-
What's black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
1473-
For months, I've been getting spam emails offering to sell me pills that will increase the size of my penis up to three inches. I just ignored them and deleted them, but then curiosity got the best of me and I decided to try them, just to see what would happen.
I answered the ad and when the pills arrived, I was so anxious to try them, that I opened the package and without reading the instructions, took one and let it dissolve on my tongue.
It worked, but I have to ask you ladies, "What am I going to do with an eight-inch tongue?"
1474-
Cries of super, great, smashing can be heard all over south Yorkshire as people from Sheffield and Rotherham can finally use that fucking speedboat they won on Bullseye.
1475-
Little Boy Blue.
Hey. He needed the money
1476-
It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over. "Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"
1477-
A blind man, deaf man and a lame man went on a pilgrimage to a healing spring. The blind man washed his eyes with water from the spring and exclaimed "I can see! I can see!" The deaf man washed his ears with the spring water and exclaimed "I can hear! I can hear!" The lame man drove his wheelchair into the water and out the other side yelling "I got new tyres! I got new tyres!"
1478-
I was asked to run a marathon and I said no chance.
Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids and I thought 'fuck it. I could win that!'
1479-
Having Dyslexia means you never have to say you’re syrro.
1480-
This sex, is sex, a sex, good sex, way sex, 2 sex, keep sex, a sex, thick sex, c u n t sex, busy sex, 4 sex, 20 sex, seconds sex!
Read it all again without the sex!
1481-
I got a new job with the Samaritans and I called in sick yesterday, but the bastards talked me out of it!
1482-
I went to the
cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a relative's grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these fuckers have lost the plot!!
1483-
How do you stop a girl from falling off her bike?
Remove the saddle.
1484-
"A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down" sang Mary Poppins, somewhat irresponsibly.
Well, try telling that to my 4 year old diabetic son!
1485-
Q. Why do 18-year-old Essex girls take sex education courses?
A. So they can learn what they've been doing wrong for the past 8 years.
1486-
I went to watch Pavarotti last week in concert....He's a miserable bastard...
Doesn't like anybody joining in.
1487-
Q. What's the similarity between an Aussie and a Muslim?
A. They both get stoned after rooting their sister.
1488-
Cornish foreplay-
"Dad can I have some pocketmoney?"
1489-
What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
1490-
What's white and flies through the sky?
The coming of the lord
1491-
I had my dreams crushed yesterday.
It turns out the newspaper headline "Village still looking for paedophile" wasn't a vacancy
1492-
The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and hit this link
http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf
1493-
I'm in serious trouble. I got caught urinating in the shower
this morning.
It seems they frown on that at Home Depot.
1494-
The young man was determined to win his girl that evening. "I have loved you more than you will ever know," he said.
"So I was right," she responded, slapping him across the face. "You did take advantage of me when I was drunk last Saturday night!"
1495-
Q, What do you call an Aardvark that's just been beaten up?
A. Vark.
1496-
I work for myself.
The hours are terrible but, on the bright side, who else gets free handjobs from their boss?
1497-
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
1498-
What is the first thing a battered wife does when she gets home from hospital?
The dishes and dinner if she's got any sense.
1499-
I had a candlelit dinner the other night.
Everything was really undercooked!
1500-
The other day I saw a man playing Dancing Queen on the Didgeridoo.
I thought, that's Aboriginal.
1501-
Q. What do you give a paedophile who has everything?
A. A bigger parish.
1502-
My hamster died today.......silly bastard fell asleep at the wheel.
1503-
Moshe is lucky enough to meet Arthur Rubinstein, the famous concert pianist, and within minutes of meeting him, Moshe persuades him to drop by his house to listen to his wonderful daughter Emma play the piano.
As soon as Emma finishes her favourite piano piece, she looks at Rubinstein and asks, “So what do you think I should do now, Mr Rubinstein?”
Rubinstein immediately replies, “I think you should get married.”
1504-
The thing I don't get about paedophilia... why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?
1505-
What's pink and hard?
A pig with a flick knife!
1506-
What's the definition of 'Endless Love'?
Ray Charles & Stevie Wonder playing tennis.
1507-
Two spastics go up to an ice cream van and say "Can we have a couple of 99's please?"
Ice cream man says "Certainly, would you like chocolate sauce or strawberry sauce?"
They say "It doesn't really matter, mate... we're gonna drop 'em anyway"
1508-
Two chavs are in a car, and no music is playing. Who's driving?
The police
1509-
Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity!
1510-
Q: What is the medical term for the fatty tissue, surrounding the clitoris?
A: The wife
1511-
Two
Arab bombers walk into a bar. Boom Boom!
1512-
An actor who was considered by his peers to be the worst actor of all time goes out on the road with a Shakespearean company. The first night in Cleveland, as he starts Hamlet's first speech, the audience starts to groan. Then they start to yell at him, telling him what he can do with his acting ability.
He presses on, and as soon as he begins another crucial scene, the audience throws things at him. First the programmes, then peanuts, and finally their drinks.
Fed up the actor steps forward, and with great aplomb, says, "What the hell do you want from me? I didn't write this shit!"
1513-
*I just saw Pavarotti's wife with a face like thunder.
Seems she found a Quid ...but lost a tenor
1514-
*I hear that the 3 Tenors have reformed as 20 Quid
1515-
*What is Pavarotti's wife getting for Christmas?
A smaller turkey.
1516-
* If anyone is interested I've got tickets for the opera this weekend.
They're a tenor less than advertised.
1517-
*Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates,
St Peter opens them and says, "Oh its you Luciano, come on in",
Pavarotti says, "Here's an envelope for you from the pope"
St Peter opens it and reads...
"Here's that tenor I owe you"
1518-
*The doctors who operated on Pavarotti performed the wrong procedure and gave him a sex change. Pavarotti didn't mind and claimed he was looking for a change anyway. But on hearing he died, tenor lady cancelled his contract.
1519-
*At the gates to heaven, St. Peter says to Pavarotti "You're a bit old and fat to be a cheap rent boy?"
"I never said that you fucking idiot", he replies, " All I said I was that I was only a tenor..."
1520-
*I had a bet last week that Pavarotti would live until 75.
I've just lost a tenor.
1521-
*I had a phone call from the Pavarotti family today, so I got to work. I went down to B&Q, got a sheet of MDF for £5.65, glue for £1.90, handles and screws for £1.50 and some varnish for 80p.
See, you can make a coffin for a Tenor.................
1522-
*They are replacing Pavarotti in the three tenors with Elton John.
They are going to be called two tenors and a nine bob note.
1523-
*They've decided to microwave Pavarotti instead of cremating him so they can save on the gas bill...
It ain't over till the fat bastard pings.
1524-
Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local minister comes walking around the corner. The minister says, "My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving that sheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?" The farmer says, "I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her!"
1525-
Out in the Wild West, Jesse James's gang forces a train to stop, and Jesse climbs on board. He bursts into a passenger car, pulls out his guns, and fires.
Blam! Blam!
"All right!" he yells. "I'm going to screw all the men and kill all the woman!"
Blam! Blam!
"That's right!" he growls. "I'm going to screw all the men and kill all the women!"
A guy in the front row says, "Uh, Mr. James, I think you've got it backwards."
Suddenly a high pitched man's voice in the back calls out, "Excuse me, but Mr. James is robbing the train!"
1526-
Anal sex is like cabbage - if you were forced to have it as a kid, you're not going to enjoy it as much as an adult
1527-
"Didn't you follow my advice about kissing your girlfriend when she least expects it?" asked the older brother.
"Oh hell!" replied the younger sibling with the swollen eye. I thought you said 'where'."
1528-
It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if it belongs to your partner.
1529-
Wet paint? I'll be the judge of that!
1530-
I'm very proud of my Grandfather. He shot down two German planes. Admittedly that was in 1972 but you can never be too careful.
1531-
Two paddies, a jock and a scouser beating the crap out of a black man.
A copper runs over shouting "Ooi, Mick, Mac, Paddy, Wack, Leave the Wog alone!"
1532-
Mongo is a little Zambian orphan who has to walk 5 miles to school each day in the sweltering heat, and then 5 miles back home again in the evenings. You can help by contributing just £2 a month, and with it we can buy a whip and make the lazy bastard run!
1533-
News just in! "Foot and mouth found on Scottish farm!"
Fuck knows if they'll ever find the rest of Colin McRae.
1534-
Three sisters, Monica, Phoebe and Fanny are invited to a party, so all three go and buy new dancing shoes.
Monica buys size 9, Phoebe buys size 10, and Fanny buys a manly size 14.
At the party Fanny sits alone watching her two sisters hoofing it up, when two guys approach them and say, "Wow, those are big feet!"
Monica and Phoebe reply, "If you think these are big, wait till you see our Fanny's!"
1535-
As far as I'm concerned, Hermaphrodites can go fuck themselves.......
1536-
I went for piano lessons when I was a young man... I loved the finger exercises, but then my instructor would put on her clothes and say the lesson was over. It wasn't until many years later that I discovered that I was going into the wrong building... The Music school was right next door to a bordello... I can't play squat on the piano... but boy, can I finger!
1537-
"May I try on that lingerie in the window?" the gorgeous young woman asks the manager of the designer boutique.
"Go ahead," the manager replies, "maybe it'll attract some business."
1538-
Amy Winehouse has denied rumours she's turned to fundamentalist Islam.
They try to make her go to jihad, she said no, no, no.
1539-
In the traditional ocean-liner interview, the reporter said to the glamorous movie queen, "I understand you were courted by many European noblemen during your four weeks abroad." "That's right, honey," she replied, hiking her skirt still higher and smiling into the flashing cameras. "I managed to make every second count."
1540-
A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000.
The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied,
"This situation is right here in the fire schedule rating table. The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?"
1541-
What have Guinness and a priest got in common?
Both have black coats and white collars, and God help your arse if you get a bad one.
1542-
New Home Cloning Kit Instructions :
Go Fuck Yourself
1543-
Thought for the Day:
The Bible teaches to love your neighbour, and the Kama-Sutra explains how.
1544-
Never thank a woman for having sex with you.
Let her find out on her own that she's made a really bad mistake.
1545-
Paddy says to Mick, "I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open!"
Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?"
Paddy says, "No on a dildo!
1546-
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?
Bad golfer goes Whack, Fuck it; bad skydiver goes Fuck it, Whack.
1547-
A man ended up in hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a horse inside him...
His condition is described as stable..
1548-
I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking,"
and then I thought: What good would that do?
1548-
To truly love another, you must first love yourself...And it wouldn't hurt to wash your hands in between.
1549-
"What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Bernice? said her closest friend.
"Well," Bernice confirmed, "Although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired."
1550-
My sister can't wrestle but you should see her box.
1551-
Groucho Marxisms
Groucho Marx was having problems sexually with premature ejaculation. Someone recommended a topical cream guaranteed to prolong erection. When asked later whether it worked, Groucho replied, "I came rubbing the stuff on."
A guest on Groucho Marx's YOU BET YOUR LIFE television show was a woman who had given birth to twenty-two children. "I love my husband," the woman explained sheepishly.
"I love my cigar too," Groucho said, "but I take it out once in a while."
1552-
'Good looks catch the eye but a GOOD personality catches the heart. You've got both!'
Don't be flattered, this message was sent to ME, I just wanted YOU to read it
1553-
Nina: "Oh Rosey. This new guy I'm dating is sooooo romantic. Every time he speaks to me, he starts with, 'Fair Lady'."
Rosey: "Romantic my ass! Don't you know he used to be a bus driver."
1554-
Zen and the art of shoe sales...
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well... they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man's feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk.
"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," he says.
1555-
I went for an Indian last night. The waiter came over and said 'Curry OK?'
I said 'Go on then, one song then you can fuck off'
1556-
Little Zeebo is an African Orphan.
He only has one leg, and cycles 10 miles a day to get to school,
For as little as £ 2.50 you can download the video: it's funny as fuck!
1557-
Q. What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
A. Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of a standing cock.
1558-
A 14-year-old boy has been injured in a vicious race attack.
Thankfully, none of the other runners were affected.
1559-
Q. What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
A Seatbelt!
1560-
For Christmas I bought my brother a combination fax machine and paper shredder.
Either we hooked it up wrong or a lot of people are faxing him confetti.
1561-
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. ---Woody Allen
1562-
When Zsa Zsa Gabor appeared on "The Johnny Carson" show, she brought her large purebred cat on, an angora, I believe. The entire interview, whenever Johnny tried to change the subject, she kept going back to discussing the cat. Johnny was getting just a bit frustrated.
Finally, Zsa Zsa gave him his opening. She asked him, "Would you like to pet my pussy?"
To which he, of course, replied, "Sure, just get that stupid cat out of the way."
1563-
A young woman and young man were at the beach one moonlit night. They were lying there looking at the night sky in each other's arms. The young man looked over and asked the young lady, "If you could be on any planet up there, just you and I, which one would you want it to be?"
The young woman lies there for a minute staring up and thinks and then replies, "I think it would be Venus, it sounds like a place of romance." She then turns to him and asks him the same question.
He lies there and with a sly smile replies, "Uranus."
1564-
A 2007 study by Clemson University found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of
22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon........ Not bad.
1565-
I was very upset whilst watching the Princess Diana memorial service last month, as I wasn't aware that she'd died. As the most famous woman in the world, you'd think the media would have made more about her death, to be honest.
1566-
I'm thinking of applying for X Factor next year. Do
you think I should go for the dead parent story, or should I just rock up in a wheelchair?
1567-
Halloween Definitions
Boogieman: The guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.
Full Moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
Goblin: How you eat the Snickers bars you got for Halloween.
Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done.
Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
Mummy: The person who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
Skeleton: Any supermodel.
Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.
Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.
1568-
Old McDonald was dyslexic......................K, Y, J, E,
O
1569-
Ultimate come back line.....You thought you were good in bed
until you found out your wife had Asthma.....
1570-
I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
Then he was chuffed to bits.
1571-
You should always unplug appliances before going to bed at night. There are two exceptions to this rule: Fridges and life-support machines. Otherwise you could end up wasting a lot of vegetables.
1572-
MY FAVOURITE TEE SHIRT SLOGANS
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
National Sarcasm Society. Like we need your support.
Heck is where you go when you don't believe in Gosh.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Photography: the hobby for negative people.
I love cats. Taste just like chicken.
My inferiority complex isn't as good as yours.
Cancel my subscription - I don't need your issues!
Physically Pffffffft!
More Cowbell!
Relish Today ... Ketchup Tomorrow.
Rock is dead. Long live Paper!
1573-
World's Shortest Books...
The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
The Australian Book of Foreplay
The Book of Motivated Postal Workers
Americans' Guide to Etiquette
The World Guide to Good American Beer
Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
Safe Places to Travel in the USA
Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity
Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
Contraception by Pope John Paul II
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex
The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle.
Consumer Marketing Ethics
Al Gore: The Wild Years
America's Most Popular Lawyers
Career Opportunities for History Majors
Detroit - A Travel Guide
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
Easy UNIX
Everything Men Know about Women
George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
The Amish Phone Book
Great Women Drivers Of Today
Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno
Home Built Airplanes by John Denver
How To Get To The Super Bowl by Dan Marino
Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton
Things I Can't Afford by Bill Gates
Things I Would Not Do For Money by Dennis Rodman
Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific
America's Most Popular Lawyers
All The Men I've Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneres
Spotted Owl Recipes by the Sierra Club
1574-
I called my 7-year old son to dinner last night, telling him that it was almost ready.
"Just a sec," he said.
Five minutes passed.
"Dinnertime," I told him.
"Just a sec," he said.
"No more," I told him. "I warned you a few minutes ago."
Silence, as he continued working on whatever project he was working on. I reached over and took it away from him. "No more secs means NO MORE SECS."
As I spoke the words, I realised I sounded just like my wife.
1575-
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone.
There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up.
Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off".
1576-
A special pantomime for the Paranoid Schizophrenics descended into chaos last night when somebody from the audience shouted "He's behind you!"
1577-
After her recent rant on GMTV, a psychologist said that Heather Mills is clearly unbalanced.
Sir Paul phoned in and said that a couple of beermats under her left leg does the trick.
1578-
John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby." John said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"
"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid," he said.
1579-
Norm was shopping the other day and wound up face to face with this drop dead gorgeous woman. He couldn't help but just stare at her, so much so that his mouth dropped open and he was drooling. The woman caught him staring and suspected he wasn't just admiring her outfit. She said, "Are you often troubled by indecent thoughts?"
Norm replied, "No, ma'am. Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy them."
1580-
I worked as a stand up comedian in a old peoples home once........
None of them understood my jokes but they still pissed themselves
1581-
I once worked as a comedian at the local Alzheimer's society club, They liked my first joke so much- I told it again, and again and again, in fact I told it 26 times.
After the show this old bloke said to me "I don't know how you remember them all"
1582-
What's green and smells like yellow paint?
Green Paint.
1583-
Tampons are now being made in "designer colours."
Whom are you trying to impress with this? Do you open one and think, "Well, this won't match"?
1584-
According to the BBC website, 'cocaine users are getting younger'. I have always avoided illegal narcotics but now I've found out that they actually reverse the ageing process I'm going to give them a bash.
1585-
The voluptuous redhead was walking down a dimly lit street when a man jumped out of the bushes. "Give me your money," he demanded. "I d- don't have any," she managed to reply. "Give me your money or I'll search you!" he threatened. She repeated that she didn't have any, then gasped as he made a tentative search. "You'd better give me your money now," he said menacingly, "or I'm going to rally search you!" "But I don't have any!" she protested, almost in tears. So he really searched her. "I guess you were on the level," he finally muttered angrily. "You don't have any money on you." "For heaven's sake," she wailed, "don't stop now. I'll write you a cheque."
1586-
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
1587-
A bloke got his sleeping pills mixed up with his viagra ,ended up having 40 wanks.
1588-
Two paedos sitting on a park bench..
A 12 year old girl walks past- one says to the other "she's really let herself go over the years hasn't she"
1589-
I entered the Young Musician of the Year last week.
He didn't half scream.
1590-
There were two factories in New York City. One of them made maternity frocks for expectant mothers, so they were called the "Mothers Frockers".
The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles. They had to soak the corks before they could put them into the bottles, so they were called the "Cork Soakers".
One day a Cork Soaker didn't soak a cork long enough and it flew out of one of the bottles and hit one of the Mother Frockers in the eye.
That made all the Mother Frockers mad at the Cork Soakers, so they went outside and had the biggest Mother-Frocking Cork-Soaking fight you ever saw...
1591-
I had a strange friend who said he had dug a hole and filled it with water.
I thought to myself, "He means well."
1592-
As a young man in the Navy, I will confess to not being all that careful about who I dated. This one young
thing and I connected, and following dinner and a movie, she agreed to a motel. After a very pleasant lovemaking session I noticed the time. I asked her if her Mother didn't pose questions about where she had been.
She replied, "My Mother doesn't care what I do. it's that damned truant officer who keeps asking a lot of silly questions."
1593-
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
1594-
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days and the lower cost of living, in particular.
"When I was a kid, my mum could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, six oranges, two loaves of bread, a magazine and some new blue jeans all for a dollar!"
Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't do that anymore. They got those video cameras everywhere you look."
1595
We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."
1596-
A friend of mine was very depressed, he owed 500 pounds to a loan shark and his family were going to be kicked out on the street the following day. He drove to the edge of a cliff and parked there, his head resting on the steering wheel. All the nice people there had a whip-round and they got him his 500 pound!!.....Good thing his bus was full that day!!!
1597-
Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hank's beard.
Vinnie says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy."
Hank strokes it himself and says, "You're right."
1598-
My old Granddad used to say, "Fight fire with fire."
It's no wonder the fire brigade sacked him.
1599-
My old Granddad's motto in life was "What you can't see, won't hurt you."
He died of radiation poisoning.
1600-
A friend of mine was having sex with a girl one time, and she suddenly poked her fingers in his eyes!!!
Mind you he's a rapist.
1601-
A thief in Paris wanted to steal some paintings from the Louvre Museum. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.)
1602-
I told my mate I was going to watch Schindlers List on DVD. He said "You better make sure you've got plenty of kleenex handy".
Half way through I called him up and said, "You cunt, I can't wank to this".
1603-
FCUK is offensive to us dyslexics... you CNUTS!
1604-
It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames.
1605-
I went to the Video Shop the other day. I said "can I take out Batman Forever"
They said "No, you have to bring it back tomorrow"
1606-
Just seen a sign outside
a kitchen furniture store: "Stainless Steel Sinks".
Bit obvious, I thought.
1607-
"I had a hard time at the bank today. I tried to take out a loan and they pulled a real attitude with me.
Apparently, they won't accept the voices in my head as references."
1608-
Q: What will the Rolling Stones wear at their next concert?
A: Depends....
1609-
A man walks into a bookshop and says "Can I have a book by
Shakespeare?"
"Of course, Sir, which one?"
The man replies, "William."
1610-
A man on a business trip went to a singles bar, approached two ladies, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm................. and collected.
1611-
Judith picks a firm of solicitors from the Yellow Pages and makes an appointment to see someone from their Family department.
"How can I help you, madam?" asks the solicitor.
"Is it true," asks Judith, "that if I get divorced, I'm entitled to 50% of all of my husband's possessions?"
"Well," the solicitor replies, "the law firm would get their fee, of course, but even after this payment, it is usually the case that the woman ends up receiving at least 50%, maybe a bit more, of her husband’s entire assets. So tell me, are you ready for a divorce at this moment?"
"Oh no," replies Judith, "I need to find a husband first."
1612-
A Charity
Pantomime in aid of Paranoid schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted
'He's behind you!'
1613-
What has getting your girlfriend pregnant and locking your keys in the car got in common?
Both problems can be easily fixed with a coat hanger
1614-
First man: What would you get if you had a vagina stapled to your forehead?
Second man: I don't know
First man: My bollocks banging against your eyelids.
1615-
Ways to Tell Someone They Have a Hygiene Problem
Begin speaking to them in French.
Ask if they have another piece of "that ass-flavoured gum."
"Waste Management Magazine called; they're looking for a centrefold."
"I bet dogs love rolling in you."
Remember that Police video with all the candles? Re-create that in their cubicle, but instead of candles, use air fresheners.
Give her/him a necklace of little pine trees.
Report all the dead canaries and let PETA handle it.
"Which word didn't you understand: lather, rinse, or repeat?"
By phone or e-mail.
1616-
Q: How do you turn a city girl into a cotton picker?
A: Cut her tampon string.
1617-
What has one eye, one horn, is purple,
flies, and gives the Pope head?
A one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple papal eater.
1618-
John decides life would be much easier if he had a clone. So he has one made and sends him to work while he stays home and relaxes. This backfires when the clone comes home and says he's been fired for making sexual advances towards women in the office. So John decides he has to get rid of his clone, and he takes it to the top of a tall building and pushes it off.
Unfortunately, someone sees John and he's arrested for...
Making an obscene clone fall.
1619-
We are always told we should look after and keep an eye on our old neighbours. Why the fuck should we ? My 87 year old neighbour is such a lazy bitch, she hasn't even taken her
newspapers in for 2 weeks
1620-
A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were away the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that
night's dinner, he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked it.
That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, ... "Did I screw up the cooking"
"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."
1621-
What do you give the girl who's got everything?
Antibiotics
1622-
It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria."
They were singing it beautifully. But oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonder to the performance and then approached the conductor.
"I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor... "They're the Moron Tapanapple Choir.
1623-
When the sultan entered his harem unexpectedly, his wives let out a terrified sheik.
1624-
A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favourite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and commanded him: "Astrologer, tell me when you will die!"
The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."
1625-
I've tried to help childless couples by making anonymous donations of my sperm.
However, I've now been told I should really be doing this through a clinic and not straight through their letterboxes.
1626-
Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?
A: Walnuts
Q: What do you call nuts on a chest?
A: Chestnuts
Q: What do you call nuts on a chin?
A: Blowjob
1627-
I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 12-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?" She said, "Give him some vegetables."
It turns out that jalapenos are not his favourite.
1628-
Martin has a first date lined up with a woman he had been after for quite a while, and when she finally consented to go out with him, he wanted to plan the most romantic evening he could. He picks her up at her apartment, and then drives out to the beach. Martin has prepared very carefully for this date and brings out a blanket for them to sit upon the sand and a bottle of the finest wine. The moonlight is shining down on them and Martin pours his date some wine. He hands her the glass, looks lovingly in to her eyes and says, "Now this is what I call romantic. The waves crashing on the shore, the moonlight in your eyes, a warm tropical breeze, a bottle of wine.....oh and by the way...do you Spit or Swallow?
1629-
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here you're at least a size 11."
The guy says, "Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe."
The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain.
He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is screwing my best friend, my daughter is pregnant, and my son is gay. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these fucking shoes."
1630-
I knew a girl at school called Pandora......................
Never got to see her box though.
1631-
A gorgeous woman gets into a taxi. She says, "To the airport, please."
After a few minutes, the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says, "You're third pregnant woman I've driven to the airport today."
The woman, indignant, says, "You must be kidding. I'm not pregnant."
The taxi driver says, "Well, you haven't arrived at the airport yet, either."
1632-
Johnny' s out riding his bike one day when he spies a little road-side cafe and decides to stop there for lunch. A really good-looking waitress comes over to take his order, and he just can't keep his eyes off her. "What'll it be, honey?" she asks as she bends over to take his order, practically shoving her large breasts in his face. Johnny can stand it no longer. "Well to be honest with you," he replied, "I'd love a little pussy."
"So would I!" the waitress exclaims. "Mine's really huge!!"
1633-
What do you call a woman with one black eye?
Fast learner
1634-
My girlfriend said I've got the biggest cock she'd ever seen,
That's one of the benefits of going out with a 10 year old.
1635-
"But this isn't an engagement ring." the young lady protested. "Why it's just a tiny unset diamond."
"Yeah ! I know." said the fellow, "And, it'll be mounted in a cluster around a big one, the very day after you are."
1636-
Prince Charles arrives in Iran on an official
visit. He asks the president, "Where is the Shah?"
"What do you mean?" says the president. "There is no Shah. We got rid of the Shah years ago."
"In that case," says Charles, "I'll have a bath."
1637-
I found my first grey pubic hair the other day.
It was in a kebab.
1638-
This is AMAZING
Forward this message to 5 people
AND.......................
Within 3 minutes.........................
FUCK ALL
will happen!!!!
I tried it twice and it worked
BOTH times
Absolutely fuck all happened!!!!!!
THIS REALLY WORKS!
Pass this on.............more people need to know this!!!
1639-
The Pedigree Dog Food company has gone bust...............
They've called in the retrievers.
1640
Shorts
I love oral sex; it's the phone bill I hate.
While doing home improvements, I found that the kitchen tile I was putting down wouldn't lie flat. Does that mean I have erect-tile dysfunction?
How do New Zealanders find sheep in tall grass? Apparently - very satisfying...
Oral sex is the answer - the question doesn't matter.
How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm? From the snoring.
"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. YES is the answer!"
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." - Woody Allen
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex f or money usually costs a lot less." - Brendan Francis
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." - Lynn Lavner
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal
"It's not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on." - Marilyn Monroe, asked if she really posed naked
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. --(George Burns)
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Do you know why people keep going to see Lord of The Rings over and over??? Because it's Hobbit forming.
Be a coffee-drinking individual... espresso yourself!
Be thankful... I could be your neighbour.
What's worse than an achy breaky heart? an itchy bitchy wife!
A word of advice..... NEVER commit a crime with an accomplice that can't run!!
I know a lingerie buyer who gave his wife the slip.
Why don't cowboys make good lovers? Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.
President Bush is the first U. S. President to spend the night in Buckingham Palace, at the request of the royal family. As he was showing the President around, Prince Charles asked Bush if he wanted to see Big Ben, and Bush replied, "Whoa, I'm from Texas; don't try any of that funny stuff with me."
What is the difference between a good lawyer and a great Lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law and a great lawyer knows the judge.
What's the difference between a police car and a porcupine? Porcupines have pricks on the outside
1641-
The city slicker was spending some time with his country cousins. The first morning the farmer
said, "We need some help today. I'd sure appreciate it if you could take the bull to pasture three to breed with the cow there."
The city slicker agreed. Six hours later, he staggered back to the farm house, his clothing all torn and disheveled.
The farmer took a look, then asked, "The bull give you a problem?"
"Hell, no. the bull was eager and raring to go."
"Then why did it take you all day?"
"Because," the city slicker replied, "The cow fought me for hours before she'd roll over on her back."
1642-
An Italian cab driver was telling a passenger that only real men drive taxis in Rome. "We use our left hand for signals and our right hand to wave at women," he proclaimed.
The tourist asked, "But how do you steer?"
"I just told you," the cabbie replied, "that only *real* men drive taxis in Rome."
1643-
Back in the early days of the Colonies, Captain John Smith was berating the township populace in their monthly meeting.
He preaches that work isn't getting done, people are lazy and sex is becoming rampant and deviate. People have been observed having sexual relations with horses, cows, pigs, chickens...
Right then, from the back of the room, comes an incredulous comment..."Chickens????"
1644-
Beethoven has died and after the funeral
his wife goes home and begins life without her husband. That night when she is in bed and she hears the piano playing downstairs. She rushes down and there she sees a vision of her husband playing the piano happily. Knowing that this can't be possible she runs off to see the vicar and tells him what happened. The vicar smiles and said "Not to worry, he's just
decomposing".
1645-
Don't you find it a touch ironic that in the 1970s, 10 year old girls had posters of Gary Glitter all over their bedroom walls.
Now in the 21st century it's the other way round......
1646-
My wife knitted me a willy warmer for my birthday.
When I tried it on I found it was uncomfortable so she unravelled it and knitted me a jumper instead.
1647-
Saw a billboard that said, "Need help, call Jesus." 1-800-005-3787
...Out of curiosity I did.
'A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.
1648-
In the past twelve months, the post office has received five million letters complaining about its poor service.
As a result, it's been able to announce record annual profits.
1649-
A coach carrying a hundred professional stuntmen has had an accident on the motorway.
It crashed through the central reservation, ploughed into a juggernaut, fell fifty feet down an embankment and turned over six times before hitting a
wall, bursting into flames and exploding.
No one was injured.
1650-
When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so that I could make love to her.
When I grew up, I realised that God didn't work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.
1651-
What does a ninja warrior and a softcore porn star have in common?
No-one sees them coming.
1652-
An old redneck woman in the West Virginia hills received a letter from her grandniece, who'd gone off to the big city to seek her fortune. Puzzled by the writing and the contents, she read to her husband, "Betty Jo says here that she's got herself a job in a ... a ... a ... well, it must be a 'Message' parlour."
"I reckon city folks must leave word there for their neighbors and kinfolk. Them not having back fences and all," her husband said. "Does Betty Jo say how much they's a payin' her?"
"Well, that's the part I can't make out. For the life of me, Paw, she says she gets some $35 for a hand delivered message and $60 if she *blows* it to them!"
1653-
It was March 6, 1836.
On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of this fort.
William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.
These three great men gazed at the countless hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them.
With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?
1654-
What is the motto of the dyslexic bestiality society?
In dog we thrust.
1655-
According to Oxfam 2 pounds a month can provide water for a village in Tanzania.
So why do fucking Thames Water charge me 50 pounds a month for my 3 bed semi?
1656-
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbour pays him a visit and says: "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbours buys a gun."
1657-
A cannibal comes back from holiday and meets some of his mates in the pub, who ask how his holiday was... "had a great time" then one of his mates asks "why have you got a leg missing?" the cannibal replies,
"it was a self catering holiday!"
1658-
Jim goes to his new
girlfriend's house one evening with a small bouquet of flowers. When she answers the door he presents the flowers to her hesitantly, with a shy smile as he really doesn't know her all that well yet. She breaks into a big smile and plants a lip lock
on Jim. He gets a surprised look on his face and starts running down the walkway. Thinking she was too forward she calls for him to come back. Jim, still running, yells over his shoulder "If that's what I get for flowers, I'm buying you some
jewellery!".
Same girl, same Jim a few years later... Jim is walking to his girl's house one afternoon and passes a florist shop. On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her. When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her. Instead
of taking them she slides her panties off from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says "This is for the flowers." Jim looks at her and says " Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."
1659-
"Say when," said the fellow as he poured out her drink. "Right after the next drink," she replied.
1660-
Fireman Bob rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise.
As they arrived safely a wash of gratitude rushed over her. She looked at him with great fondness and admiration, then said, "Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did."
"Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!"
1661-
There's a special on down at Asda...
He's working on the checkout.
1662-
Cathy and I went to the Mardi Gras
festival in New Orleans for our 35th Anniversary. We had a nice room in a hotel just outside of Bourbon Street. I couldn't sleep and decided to take a walk at 1 AM the first night there. As I was cruising down Bourbon Street, I saw a skimpily dressed woman on a balcony above me. "Would you like to sleep with me for $100," she called down to me. I told her, "Making love at my age is always a real effort. But I could sure use the money.""
1663-
My Uncle had his tongue shot off during World War II.
He doesn't talk about it, though.
1664-
Where does a female chav go to lose weight?
The abortion clinic.
1665-
Why do breasts have nipples on the end of them?
Because if they didn't they would be pointless.
1666-
A pair of stage-door Johnnies are ogling the cuties who are leaving the dressing room. "Do you see that redhead over there? I feel like screwing her again."
"Wow," said his buddy, "Do you mean to tell me you've been doing it with that great looking broad?"
"No, I felt like it before, and I feel like it now."
1667-
Q: Why are you married to that sadist?
A: Beats me!
1668-
Old People's Pickup Lines
"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like ... where exactly are we again?"
"Do you smell that? That's either love, or I used too much ointment this morning."
"Yes, I'm 92 ... but I have the body of a 78-year-old."
"WHO'S your granddaddy?"
"Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid sapphire pools. Your blue hair, too."
"Hey babe, looking for a good time? How's about coming home with me and ... Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z."
1669-
Out walking the dog this morning I saw two teenagers wrestling with an old-age pensioner for her purse. I immediately ran over to help
We got the fucking thing off her in the end
1670-
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent?
The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit forming.
1671-
Why is it that Channel 4's Big Brother are allowed to install loads of cameras in a house and watch the residents' every move.
But when I put one tiny camera in my neighbour's bathroom I get bound over for 12 months. There's no justice.
1672-
We went abroad on holiday last year and when we got to the hotel we found the bidet was broken.
However we got round this by doing handstands in the shower.
1673-
We call our grandad "Spiderman".
He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.
1674-
To make it stand,
you wet it !
To make it wet,
you suck it !
To make it stiff,
you lick it !
To get it in,
You push it!
Damn !!!!!!!
Threading a needle when you're older is a BITCH!
1675-
I rear-ended a car this morning, on the way to work..... I had a feeling it was going to be a REALLY bad day. The driver got out of the other car, with an angry look on him, and I thought, here we go - And he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said, "I'm NOT fucking happy!" I said, "well which fucking one ARE you then?" That's how the fight started. ...
1676-
My dad recently died of asbestos poisoning.
It took fucking ages to cremate him...
1677-
Mark and Sharon were walking around their yard looking at things that were or were not coming up in the gardens. They stopped to look at a few sorry looking stalks coming up out of a patch of ground. Sharon said to Mark looking over at the stalks, " Peonies."
He replied, "I don't think it will help."
1678-
My Uncle was jailed for his beliefs..
He believed you could wank on the bus.
1679-
A man walked up to a prostitute in the street and agreed a
price. When they got to the hotel room he began masturbating.
The prostitute asked him what he was doing and the man replied, 'You didn't think you were going to get the easy one did you? '
1680-
Old Macdonald had Dyslexia E-I-E-Q-M
1681-
I was booking in my luggage at Heathrow and said to the booking desk girl "Can you send one of my suitcases to Rome, one to Paris and one to Madrid please"
"I'm sorry sir, I'm afraid we can't do that" she replied.
"Why not? you managed it last fucking year"
1682-
2 Women knocked at
the door & asked what bread I ate. When I said "White" they lectured me on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
Fuckin Yer'Hovis Witnesses.
1683-
I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs...............like customs officers.
1684-
Saw my mate outside the Doctors today looking really worried,
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C." he said.
"What cancer?"
"No, Dyslexia."
1685-
What do you call an epileptic with a hoover?
Shake 'n' Vac
1686-
My name is Ngombi.
I am part of the "Sponsor a Child in Africa" Programme.
This Christmas I received 4 Chickens,2 Goats ,2 sheep and a big bag of Wheat.
Imagine my dismay though when Jimbobo in the next door hut received an X-Box, a PS 2 and a fucking i-Pod !
1687-
I came out of Woolies the other day and saw a scruffy
bloke. He was playing the guitar and singing "When I was young, seemed like life was so
wonderful, a miracle, it was beautiful, magical "
I said "that's supertramp ", he said "ah thanks very much ".
1688-
Abu Hamza, Heather Mills.... no wonder no one trusts
amputees anymore.....
1689-
I was in Sainsburys when I saw the sign saying "try something new today".
So I did and went to Asda.
1690-
Went to the fairground yesterday and got a hand job off the girl who does the waltzer. Jesus Christ! She nearly ripped my fucking nob off! - and every time I screamed she just went faster!
1691-
First, it was Shannon Matthews' step-dad's step-uncle who was arrested.
Then her step-dad. Then her step-dad's sister, and step-dad's mum.
Now Shannon's mother, Karen Matthews has been arrested.
It's good to see the police clamping down on ugly people.
1692-
You can say what you want about deaf people.....................................
1693-
I bought some new binoculars last week and I recommend them highly. They're powerful enough to look into the bedroom of the girl opposite, and they're light enough to keep them steady with one hand.
1694-
My sister asked me to take her newborn baby out for a walk to give her a break. Whilst we were out walking the baby began to cry and a woman who was passing told me to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
1695-
I can't decide whether to go to Australia or Thailand this year for a holiday. So I decided to weigh up the pros and cons of both.
Australia has a load of Cons, but Thailand has lots of Pros.
1696-
A man drove up to a toll bridge.
Toll guard; 75 pence please
The man; I've got 19 pence here
Toll guard; That's not enough
The man; Hold on I've found another ten pence
Toll guard; Still not enough
The man; Do you take bus tokens?
Toll guard Look if you don't have the money then fuck off
The man; I've got three apples here
Toll guard; OK I'll have them
The man; Have you got change of a pound?
1697-
Did you hear about the two Indian junkies who injected curry powder instead of Heroin?
One's in a Korma and the other has a dodgy Tikka
1698-
Can someone have a word with that deaf dumb and blind kid? He's trying to play the coffee machine again.
1699-
I went to one of those gadget shops earlier today and I bought one of them wind-up radios. I got it home and switched it on and it said "Your dick's tiny, your kids are ugly and your wife's shagging your best mate".
1700-
I asked my girlfriend's best friend what to get her for her birthday,
she said "I dunno... get her something that will make her face light up"
...so I got her a torch.
1701-
I have hereditary diarrhoea.
It runs in my jeans...
1702-
My Uncle was a rather strange guy; he had artificial legs.
..but real feet.
1703-
My neighbours bought their little boy a drum kit a week ago. I went round there to see him earlier. What a noise he makes! You'd think he'd never had a drumstick shoved up his arse before!
1704-
I was woken early this morning by a door-to-door salesman.
Straight away he launched into his patter:
"Good morning, Sir, I'm from GardenRite accessories. Can I just say from the offset that I'm not selling anything. No, our representatives are in the area at this moment in time, and I noticed when passing that your garden gate is old and rusty, and hanging on one hinge. I'm delighted to tell you that we here at GardenRite are in a position to offer you a FREE, yes, that's right, free of charge top-of-the-range replacement gate at absolutely no cost to yourself!" -and handed me a catalogue of nice-looking garden gates.
"Hmm," I said, "Free gate. Where's the catch?"
"There isn't one!" he beamed.
"Not much fucking use then, is it?" I said, and slammed the door.
1705-
A chant at an Alzheimers rally:
''What do we want?''
''We don't know!''
''When do we want it?''
''What?''
1706-
A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing.
"Officer," he asks, "have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"
"No, I haven't. What's the problem?"
"The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!"
"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asked.
"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."
1707-
I don't usually buy FHM magazine, but I saw an advert for this month's edition that said they had shots from a topless photoshoot with Keeley Hazell.
So I thought; what the hell, I'll treat myself and splash out on a copy.
That's me barred from WH Smiths for the foreseeable future...
1708-
A friend accused me of being homophobic the other day.
"Nonsense", I said.
"I love my house."
1709-
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
1710-
If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?
1711-
After a lifetime of sexual abuse the Psychiatrist who was treating the Fritzl children decided to bring in a Catholic priest, not to give them spiritual guidance but to stop them getting withdrawal symptoms.
1712-
On the news the other day I watched shoppers in Zimbabwe taking huge wheelbarrows of cash down to the shops with them.
Well that’s the last fucking time I'm donating anything to Oxfam.
1713-
Apparently Vodafone have just announced that they are the largest mobile community.
Now don't get me wrong, but I thought that was the pikeys.
1714-
"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm not afraid of small children."
1715-
Matt and Kathy called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room.
The clerk told them the rates depended on the room size and number of people.
“Do you take children?” the Matt asked.
“No, sir,” replied the clerk. “Only cash and credit cards.”
1716-
The other week I made a joke about Alzheimers live on TV.
You should have seen the envelopes I got.
1717-
I just got skylights put in my place. May 23
The woman upstairs is furious.
1718-
Suicide bombers have today attacked Bradford city centre. Early estimates suggest they may have caused thousands of pounds worth of improvements.
1719-
My mother says she never holds grudges, but will then blind-side you with something that happened years ago.
Last week she said, "You know, you really hurt me on your birthday."
And I said, "Which birthday was that?"
So she replied, "The first one. You have a really big head, you know."
1720-
The young woman approached the executive in front of his office and said, "Please sir, give to take a wayward girl off the street."
"And how much do you suggest I give?" he asked.
"It depends," she smiled, "Entirely on how long you want to keep her off of it."
1721-
I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I beat the living snot out of him because, I'm lack-toes intolerant.
1722-
Have you seen the origami championships on TV?
It's paper view..
1723-
I was stopped once for going 53 in a 35 mile zone, but I told them I had dyslexia.
1724-
Does this smell like chloroform to you?
1725-
I used to work as a porter in a hospital, but
I got sacked because I couldn't stand people with amputated legs.
I really tried,...but I just couldn't balance the fuckers..
1726-
My mate said he had a new job at a Bowling Alley.
I said "Ten Pin?"
He replied "No - it's permanent"
1727-
I went to visit my parents. I opened the door and a
Yorkshire pudding hit me. Later on, when my mum was cooking the dinner, she opened the cupboards and got hit by some spaghetti
bolognese. My dad said "I don't know where the next meal's coming from."
1728-
The Pharoah was dictating, and his scribe was busily chipping away at the stone tablet. "I have plans . . . to form," the monarch said slowly, "a personal bodyguard . . . of stalwart . . and virile . . ..young men."
The chips flew, but then suddenly ceased flying and the perspiring chiseler looked up inquiringly, "Excuse me, your Majesty, but is virile spelled with one or two testicles?"
1729-
After giving the hired man a dressing down for being late in returning with supplies, the farmer demanded, "Okay, now let's hear how it happened, Miller."
"Well, I picked up a minister along the road," explained the hired hand, "and from there on the mules couldn't understand a word I said."
1730-
I'm not racist, I'm ethnically selective
1731-
How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but it will take 20 episodes.
1732-
A Zulu walking through the jungle comes across a pigmy standing over a dead lion.
"Did you kill that lion?" asks the Zulu.
"Yeah, I beat it to death with my club," the pigmy replies.
"Fuck, you must have a big club," says the Zulu.
"Aye, there's about thirty of us."
1733-
I don't usually watch these sort of programmes on TV, but today I thought I'd give it a go.
Basically I've just sat for 2 hours watching a house full of egotistical, fame-hungry, gay, bisexual, perverted, drunken and blind morons who are hopelessly out of touch with reality.
They spend all day lounging around the house without doing anything constructive, all the while talking mindless crap and shouting over one another to see who can grab the most attention of the viewing public.
And at the end of this brain numbing bullshit, I was still no closer to deciding who I should vote for....
Labour or Conservative?
1734-
Breaking News:
BBC reports that BP, SHELL & MOBIL petrol stations will start showing porn movies on the screens of the pumps, so that you can see someone else getting screwed at the same time as you.
1735-
Shit myself last night at the airport, a fucking arab rushed in screaming "allah allah allah allah .... allava coke and a bag of nuts please"
The stuttering bastard!
1736-
Q. What Is The Definition Of Bar Stool?
A. What Davy Crockett Stepped In When He Went Hunting.
1737-
An Austrian journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Josef Fritzl’s daughter Alice.
"Alice" he replied "Who the fuck is Alice?.... You mean for 24 years I've been living next door to Alice?!"
1738-
The person who coined the phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese' obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
John Sampson, Southampton.
1739-
Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.
A Woodward, Sheffield .
1740-
These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Tim Wakefield, Surrey.
1741-
We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and pissed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
George Nisbet, Preston.
1742-
Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich.
1743-
I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
B Bollockbrain, Braintree.
1744-
Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.
Chris Mapply, Carshalton.
1745-
Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
M Duckworth, Poole .
1746-
So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
J Leonard, Hull .
1747-
To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'.
Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.
Danny King, Balham
1748-
I've just bought this Austrian
girl's diary off Ebay. It is not very interesting it just says:
Monday: Stayed in; Tuesday: Stayed in; Wednesday: Stayed in.
1749-
Did you hear about the overweight Ballerina?
She had to wear a three three.
1750-
I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.
She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.
1751-
I threw a hedgehog at a dart board once
Scored 3480
1752-
I had a candlelit dinner the other night.
Everything was really undercooked.
1753-
Got a new lodger this week. She's well fit. Long blonde hair. Great tits. Legs up to her armpits. Fucks like a rabbit. Loves role play too - My favourite's the one when she pretends she's not my sister!
1754-
I went into a pub the other day. There was an Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, two Asians, an African, and two Homosexuals.
.... didn't stay long.
1755-
Necrophilia - The urge to crack open a cold one.
1756-
Tip for the day:
When you get talking to a girl in a bar, and she asks you wryly with a smile what you really look for in a woman, the correct answer is not: "Well, I guess I'd really like to meet a girl with no gag reflex."
1757-
The manufacturer of a well-known tonic for people with "tired" blood received this testimonial from a little old lady who lived on a farm in Tennessee: "Before taking your tonic," the woman
wrote, "I was too tired to hoe the fields or pick the cotton. But after only two bottles of your delicious mixture, I've become the best cotton-picking hoer in the county."
1758-
A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis. He called in his receptionist to show her. She took one look and said, "It's just like my husband's "Wow, you mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked. "No," she replied. "That dead."
1759-
You have to hand it to the producers of Big Brother, searching far and wide for unusual and interesting people to be housemates this year.
For example managing to find a black person, from Croydon, with a chip on their shoulder. What are the chances?
1760-
A man was looking all over town to find a friend of his. He walked down the street and came to a barber shop. He stuck his head inside and asked, 'Bob Peters here?'
The barber replied, 'Nah, we just do shaves and haircuts.'
1761-
There was a history professor and a psychology professor sitting on a deck at a nudist colony. The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs."
1762-
One day the Mexican maid announced to her boss's wife that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I am in the family way."
The wife was both surprised and shocked, and asked who it was.
The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."
This time, the wife was horrified and demanded an explanation.
"Well," the maid explained, "I go to the library to clean it and you husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go to the living room to clean and you son say 'You are in my way'. So I'm in the family way and I quit."
1763-
A farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price of their toilet paper.
The company wrote back and told him to look on page 287.
He wrote another letter back, "If I had your catalogue, I wouldn't need your toilet paper."
1764-
At a job interview I was asked if I had a criminal record. My reply was 'Yes, dik-a-dum-dum by Des O'Connor'.
1765-
Q. What is £26 a gallon and full of water?
A. Lager.
1766-
A few years ago, Bernard Manning was giving a stand up comedy performance at a dinner, and about 10 minutes into the set a guy got up and started walking towards the toilets.
" Fucking hell," Said Bernard to the crowd " Where is this stupid cunt going?"
The guy looked up at Bernard and said, " I'm just nipping for a quick piss before the comedian comes on."
1767-
When was the last time a boxer became champion..and then shit in the ring?????
Crufts 1964
1768-
A pal offered me a new 50" HD ready television the other day for only £100.
It was in perfect working order apart from the volume control which was broken.
I thought for that price you can't turn it down.
1769-
I subscribed to a phone sex line last week............
I just got a text saying it's not working out.
1770-
I remember when my grandad went into a retirement home, very sad. I rang up my gran and asked how he was doing.
"Oh, he's like a fish out of water."
"Is he finding it hard to adjust then?"
"No, he's dead."
1771-
I went for some fish and chips the other day.
I took them back and said" Are you sure this fish is cooked?"
The bloke said "Yes, why?"
I said "Because it's eaten all the fucking chips!"
1772-
I was talking to my dad yesterday. he's getting a little older and complaining about joint pain. I said. "Is it your hip?" He said no, "I burned my lip smoking pot."
1773-
Chat up line:
Get your coat love...
...I've got a knife
1774-
What is the difference between the Holy Grail and a chav's father?
We may one day find the Grail
1775-
What is the hardest part of a sex change?
To get the cheese to smell like fish.
1776-
"I got told off for not opening the door for my girlfriend when I was on a date. Instead, I just swam to the surface".........
1777-
A coach carrying a hundred professional stuntmen to a convention had an accident on the motorway. It crashed through the central
reservation, ploughed into a juggernaut, fell thirty feet down an embankment and turned over six times before hitting a
wall, bursting into flames and exploding.
No one was injured.
1778-
A friend of mine tried to talk to me into going to a party tonight. "Come on," he said, "you might meet the woman of your dreams."
I said no. I'm not sure I want to be seen in public with that filthy slut.
1779-
For years, I thought my Dad suffered from Tourette's.
Turns out, he just thought I was a fucking cunt.
1780-
How would a dyslexic person dance the
Y.M.C.A?
1781-
I showed this bird my dick the other night. She said, "that's small, I thought you said you had at least a foot."
I said, "no, I said I had athlete's foot!"
1782-
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like mission control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him: 'So, what was wrong? He replied: 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid but nonetheless enquired: 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said: 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T.
I used to like Eric
1783-
Saw my mate Jim yesterday, he's only got one arm. "Where you off then, Jim?" I shouted.
"I'm going to change a light bulb," he said.
"That's going to be awkward, isn't it?" I asked.
"No..... I've still got the receipt."
1784-
My mate is addicted to brake fluid.
But he reckons he can stop at any time.
1785-
What's the difference between the army and a vagina?
Discharge is a good thing from the army.
1786-
I used to know this right dirty girl that everyone called "Tardis".
She had a box that looked normal on the outside, but was fucking enormous once you got into it.
1787-
I was at my nan's house and she doesn't like swearing. I said, "crap" and she told me to put 20p in the swear jar. "I only have a pound," I told her, but she had no change. I threw in the pound anyway and said, "shit, you fucking bitch, take it all you thieving cunt."
1788-
What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?"
A blind person with a Rubik’s cube.
1789-
What's the difference between a television and my pregnant girlfriend?
When I put a coathanger inside my pregnant girlfriend I didn't get a very good reception.
1790-
I know you have enjoyed Willie Nelson's music in the past. I've been a big fan but then I never knew he was such a great philosopher. I've gained new respect for him after reading the following quote So simple, yet so profound. Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher,
Willie Nelson: "I have outlived my dick."
1791-
I got into an argument with this thug in the pub. Anyway, I backed away, but as I was leaving he shouted, "I know where you live." I was really worried for a while, but it turned out he works for Royal Mail Parcelforce, so his threat almost certainly isn't true.
1792-
My girlfriend dumped me last week right after I broke my wrist
Just when I needed her the most!
1793-
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've got Alzheimers
This little piggy went to market
1794-
Amy Winehouse went to Glastonbury last weekend.
Poor Amy had to wade through dirt, needles, rubbish and people lying around everywhere...
... then she left her flat.
1795-
Two friends had agreed to meet at a resort for a weekend of fishing. The first arrived on Friday evening, as scheduled, but his fishing buddy never showed up.
Finally about lunch-time the next day, the tardy fisherman arrived beaten and bandaged.
When asked what the hell had happened, the wounded man replied, "The last thing I remember is stopping at the highway rest stop and spotting a parked car with what appeared to be people in the back seat, so I stuck my head through the window and asked, 'Hey, just how far is The Olde Log Inn?'"
1796-
A guy is on a trip on a small airline.
The stewardess says, "Would you like dinner?"
He says, "What are my choices?"
She says, "Yes or no.
1797-
A hoodie goes to an East End library to get out a book. The assistant says, "In order to loan out a book, you need to prove you're a citizen of London."
So he stabbed him.
1798-
"Good morning, ma'am, I've come to ask for collections, for the Salvation Army," said the man in the bright red Santa suit to the woman who opened the door wearing nothing but panties and a see- through negligee. "How do I know that?" the young woman replied. "How do I know you're really with the Salvation Army? How do I know you aren't some sex fiend who has come to take advantage of a poor, defenseless female who's all alone in her house ... and will be until 5:30 pm this evening?
1799-
I'm not one of those guys who disappears right after sex. I like to spend some time with them afterwards, have a bit of a cuddle, stroke their hair and make it absolutely clear what I'll do to them if they tell their parents.
1800-
One
How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
1801
"I suffered an asthmatic attack the other day. I was walking down the street and three asthmatics snuck up behind me and stole my wallet. I know, I know, I should've heard them coming..."
1802-
Called Childline yesterday.
They don't do deliveries.
1803-
Last week my mate was sent to prison for selling drugs. He got 6 years; one for for the possession of the
drugs, and five years for retailing using non-metric weights and measures.
1804-
They say "You can take the girl out of London, but you can't take London out of the girl"...That's also why I never go out with girls from Cork...
1805-
I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed a shit
1806-
"I am a single man (30) seeking a life -partner to share my soul with. I am
sensitive, caring and have a deeply loving nature. If you wish to give me your heart, I will give you mine and know
that, held within your gentle hands, it will be safe for ever. No fat birds."
1807-
Two dyslexic bank robbers walk into a bank shouting: "Air in the hands motherstickers, this is a
fuckup!"
1808-
Condoms are like good friends.........they are always there when things get hard.
1809-
There's something wrong with my foreplay technique, but I just can't put my finger on it...
1810-
Those bastards in the pub, they told me it would be okay to keep a turkey in the freezer for up to three months.
I put one in last night, and when I checked this morning, it was fucking dead
1811-
I walked into a blind man today. I didn't see him.
I couldn't believe the irony.
1812-
Harry is visiting his grandma. she complains about the high cost of
living. "When I was a girl you could go out with a shilling and come back home with a dozen
eggs, two pints of milk. a pound of bacon, half a pound of tea and a fresh chicken." "Yes," says Harry
"That's inflation for you." It's nothing to do with inflation," says
grandma. "Its all them fucking security cameras they have
nowadays."
1813-
I can only assume, for his sake, that whoever coined the phrase "Its better to give than to
receive" wasn't talking about blow jobs.
1814-
Was watching a stripper at my
mate's stag party, and was horrified at her party trick with a wine bottle.
Red wine and fish just don't go!
1815-
Japanese authorities have banned the movement of all animals after the discovery of several nibbled sofabeds in
Tokyo. It's feared this may indicate an outbreak of Futon Mouse disease.
1816-
I find all these obese jokes horrible.
Don't you think they have enough on their plate?
1817-
Whilst shagging my girlfriend the other night, she told me to do her doggie style.
She didn't look impressed when I started shagging her leg...
1818-
Remember,
it's not rape if they push back ...
1819-
A truck has just overturned on the M6 filled with Vicks vapour rub.
Police have said there will be no congestion for 9 hours.
1820-
I was chatting to a mate in the pub- who loves jokes- and I was telling him a little story. So I began my tale: "I went to see a Gypsy fortune teller the other day, who put me in touch with me dead grandfather. After we had finished and I had paid her, she smiled at me and in a jolly voice said she had really enjoyed the session- So I smacked her in the face!"
My smartarse mate chipped in, "Ha ha- That's because you LIKE TO STRIKE A HAPPY MEDIUM isn't it!"
I replied, "No, its because I can't fucking stand gypsies."
1821-
People think Stephen Hawking is so clever, but when you ask him a question and he is typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn't just looking up the answer on the Internet?
1822-
According to the BBC website, 'cocaine users are getting younger'.
I have always avoided illegal narcotics but, now I've found out that they actually reverse the ageing process, I'm going to give them a bash.
1823-
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are lying in bed one night.
Sherlock runs off to the kitchen and comes back with a jar of lemon curd.
Quickly he turns Dr Watson over onto his knees and starts smearing it around his bum.
"Sherlock, what the hell are you doing?" Dr Watson gasps.
Sherlock smiles and replies. "It's a lemon entry my dear Watson".
1824-
I don't know what's happening in this country. You've got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It's a nightmare - you don't know whether to carry sweets or money.
1825-
All in all 99000 people are making love right now, 22000 are kissing, 11000 are getting oral and one sad wanker is reading this.....!
You hang in there friend!
1826-
I conducted an orchestra the other day.
It's more fun than you can shake a stick at.
1827-
I went to the the local library for a book, I asked the lady for a book on Psycho the Rapist, she said, I think it's pronounced
Psychotherapist.
1828-
What the fuck is the world coming to? My Mother had her bag stolen this morning,
and now there is piss everywhere...
1829-
Feminists say all men are potential rapists but, surely, by that same logic it would mean all women are potential rape victims. And believe me there's a lot of dog-ugly women out there I wouldn't waste my duct tape on.
1830-
I just
don't get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick...... but no one says anything about Stephen Hawking being shit at football do they?!
1831-
Have you ever seen these roadside protesters? They camp out all night hoping to prevent the completion of motorways. Well, yesterday one died of a heart attack. His doctor warned him weeks ago but the stupid bugger wouldn't have a bypass.
1832-
Imagine being 85. A comfortable seat in very pleasant surroundings where you can sit surrounded by people your own age and mumbling nonsense all day. Imagine being attended by nice smiling people and
genuinely thinking you are still important, whilst living very nicely at the expense of the taxpayer. Well,
that's not for everyone of course. Some of us aren't fortunate enough to get a seat in the House of Lords.
1833-
I don't see the problem with premature ejaculation.
I mean, sex AND an early night!
1834-
Thomas Gladstone, a stockbroker, received an urgent phone call one afternoon. "My name is Walters," the caller announced. "About two weeks ago, my wife got a crazy idea and started walking the street, asking me to procure customers for her."
"Just a minute,"Gladstone protested. "You want Dr. Gladstone the psychiatrist. His name is right below mine in the phone book. Many people dial me by mistake."
"No mistake," came the reply. "I want you to invest all the money we're making."
1835-
My wife said we should do something different on our anniversary this year. No idea what she did, but I got a soapy tit wank off her best friend.
1836-
This years Alzheimer's Society annual fair will be a day to remember.
1837-
After queueing up for almost half an hour in the chemist last week, I finally got to the counter and the woman looked at me and said "I'm really sorry about your wait".
In a rattled state, I replied "You're not so fucking skinny yourself, actually".
1838-
I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "do you sell bereavement cards?"
She said, "yes, sir."
So I said, "could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"
1839-
My grandad was given 24 hours to live, so he drank a bottle of vodka and ate three packets of fireworks.
It didn't save his life, but it gave us one hell of a show at the cremation.
1840-
Shag: funny word isn't it? To a smoker, it's a type of
tobacco; to an American, it's a type of dance; to an ornithologist, it's a bird; and, to you, it's just a remote possibility.
1841-
When me and my brother were young and having a fight my mum used to say "If all this fighting doesn't stop someone's going to get hurt!" She was right - we teamed up and kicked the shit out of her.
1842
What is Daniella Westbrook's favourite sex position?
Fuck Nose.
1843-
I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the session on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation, which is the act of going from a gas to a solid, while skipping the intermediate liquid stage.
As an example, he gave water vapor in the air condensing on a windshield to form ice. Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas.
He was expecting dry ice as the answer when one of the students blurted out, "Burritos!"
1844-
In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
The survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm Brut, show that a huge 86% of Detroit residents say they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% say they hadn't been to prison.
Survey results in Cleveland, Miami, Philadelphia, Los Angeles, St Louis, and the entire states of New York and New Jersey show results only slightly smaller than the Detroit findings.
1845-
My Grandad has got parkinsons........
He can't stop interviewing people.
1846-
Two young men were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"
The second one replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
The first one says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."
The second one smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, the young man asks his friend, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"
The second man replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"
1847-
For Sale- One glove. Genuine reason for sale: caught shoplifting in Saudi Arabia.
1848-
What do you call two black men in a shoe box?
A pair of loafers.
1849-
I am a gentleman and I always give up my seat to a lady.
Especially if the guy next to me is dark skinned and wearing a rucksack.
1850-
Statistics show that most Siamese twins are up for a threesome.
1851-
My father strongly believes that you should live every day like it is your last.
That is why, for the past seventeen years, he has been in the intensive care unit with an oxygen mask on his face and a tube up his arse.
1852-
Bob is walking home when he sees a tramp begging for change. Feeling a bit sorry for the man he gives him some change and begins to walk off.
"Thank you," says the homeless man, "It used to be so good for me but look at me now."
"What do you mean?" asked Bob.
The tramp replied, "I was a multi-millionaire, "I had bank accounts all across the world with millions in. I had investments, bonds, stocks, shares and all sorts."
"What happened, where did it go wrong?"
The tramp replied, "forgot my fucking mothers maiden name."
1853-
I'm still having sex at 87.
It's only across the road from us at number 84, but my wife still doesn't notice.
1854-
My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said "we need to talk about our future".
I said "yeah, it's gonna be fucking mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"
I'm now single.
1855-
My wife is forever saying I don't pay her any attention. So yesterday I was expecting brownie points when I said, "have you had your hair done dear? You look different."
She went ballistic. I won't forget she's having chemotherapy again in a hurry.
1856-
I just had a 69 with my Chinese Blow-up Doll.
She tasted rubbery
1857-
My girlfriend said she wanted to make me happy in the bedroom.
So now the bedroom has Sky Sports, a fridge full of beer and she sleeps on the couch.
1858-
I called up a builder to come round to my house to fix my roof, when he got here he said that he would need to put up some scaffolding and would have to go and get some poles.
He came back with Janek, Malinowski and Wojciech.
1859-
I slept with one of those 'high class' prostitutes the other week. I'm not happy though, the bitch gave me lobsters.
1860-
I was walking home last night when I saw this black kid being beaten up by a gang of hoodies. I'm a bit embarrassed to say I looked the other way. But I couldn't help myself, there was this other group gang raping his bird.
1861-
I just got a Charity appeal letter from the Alzheimer's Society.
Its the 43rd one this week.
1862-
I met this bird last night who was a right ugly fucker, I said "What's your name?"
"Tuesday" she replied.
I said, "that's a strange name."
She said, "yeah, when I was born my mum and dad looked in the cot and said, 'I think we'd better call it a day.'"
1863-
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
1864-
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the reenactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event. But the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down. That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at Will!"
1865-
They say that it does no harm whatsoever to give your children a little smack if they deserve it.
I somehow don't think Amy Winehouse's Dad would strictly agree with that!
1866-
My therapist says that I've got a preoccupation with vengeance; we'll see about that...
1867-
A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
1868-
I bought a greyhound puppy to have trained for racing.
I went to see him run the other day but the trainer said "he seems to be running to the left."
I asked "could you stop him from doing this?"
He said "I could put a bit of lead in his right ear."
"How would you do that?" I asked
"My 12 bore usually does the trick" he replied
1869-
People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs.
1870-
I got thrown out of the Pub last Saturday.
Bukkake... karaoke... Its all Japanese to me.
1871-
I'm volunteering at nights in an abortion clinic. It's great. Not only do I get to meet loads of girls who are a bit slutty, but I know in advance that they're not looking for anything too serious.
1872-
According to Sebastian Coe, "There is no greater feeling than representing your country at the Olympics."
Really? Surely having Angelina Jolie sitting on your cock, whilst you snort coke off Jessica Alba's tits would feel greater?
1873-
A condom broke a few months back, and now the missus is knocked up. I've nicknamed the baby "our little mistake".
I can't wait for "our little mistake" to be born. It'll be nice for "our catastrophic fuck-up" to have someone to play with.
1874-
When I was younger, the British care system really let me down.
Growing up, my dad would beat me every week without fail. This went on for years until, one day, I finally plucked up the courage to phone Childline.
However, upon a thorough investigation, the so called childcare experts decided that constantly topping my high-score on Pac-Man, Donkey Kong and Outrun did not constitute abuse.
1875-
I was walking home last night when some chav jumped out and drew a knife on me. Little fucker used permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash off.
1876-
I had an Indian last night, and my arse is killing me today.
Next time I'll make sure I'm the one giving.
1877-
80% of Big Brother applicants are between 16 and 24.
The rest have a significantly higher IQ.
1878-
I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet, which had a "Tested to British Safety Standards" sign on it.
Underneath someone had scrawled: "So was the Titanic."
1879-
I think my neighbour fancies me.
She came over the other day and said "I've noticed you looking at me."
I was so surprised I nearly dropped the binoculars.
1880-
I keep getting it wrong with relationships. I try to move things on too fast. Only the other day over a candlelit dinner I blurted out, "Never mind the pudding, darling, let's sneak back to my place and fuck like there's no tomorrow."
What I meant to say was, "Would Sir or Madam like anything from the sweet trolley?"
1881-
It has been reported in the press that Steven Hawking suffered a terrible crash today...
..luckily, though, he was able to reboot.
1882-
I just ended a long-term relationship today.
I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.
1883-
I went to a funeral last week, but I'm never going there again. The music started playing, and me and my mate were the only ones dancing.
1884-
Anyone who says onions are the only veg that make you cry has never been hit in the face with a turnip!
1885-
I once went 12 years without any sex, drugs or alcohol...
...my GOD, my dad knows how to throw a good 12th birthday party!
1886-
Flight BA 205 is approaching Bangkok airport.
The pilot is giving some information about Thailand.
"30% of the population have aids, 20% have other sexually transmitted diseases and 50% suffer from chronic bronchitis."
One passenger wakes up half way through and says to the guy next to him, "what did he say?"
He said, "if they cough, you can fuck 'em!"
1887-
People can be so 'in your face' these days. Only last night a complete stranger asked me if I preferred legs or breasts. I told him that, actually, I liked hairy fannies, but it turned out that this wasn't an option with the KFC bargain bucket.
1888-
I've been told that for 20 quid I could sponsor a starving African kid.
What I'd like to know, before I part with the money, is how I can be sure he actually finishes the marathon.
1889-
90% of dogs in Korea, are inbred...like in a sandwich or something.
1890-
compromise [kom-pruh-mahyz] (noun):
A mutual agreement whereby you don't actually get what you wanted, but at least get the satisfaction of knowing that the other fucker isn't going to get what he wanted either.
1891-
My gran said to me this morning, "what's the first sign of Alzheimer's?"
I gave her the same answer I gave her yesterday.
1892-
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
1893-
In the good old days, things were not so good. We had to walk to school barefoot, ten miles each way, all up hill, in snow up to our armpits. We had to get up before we went to bed, go to the barn and milk three hundred head by hand before breakfast, which was a hand full of beans. We were so poor we had dry beans for breakfast, a glass of water for lunch, and then wait for it to swell up for supper. We were so poor, if you didn't wake up with a hard on you had nothin to play with all day.
1894-
Petrol is way too fucking expensive these days. I actually can't afford to drive. Last time I went dogging, I had to ask my mum to give me a lift.
&nbs