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Miscellaneous Long 4

401-
The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one her sale clerks a ' pep talk '. "Jane, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid I'll have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"
"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did:.... ' Fantastic.' "
"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing. My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."
"Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"
Jane shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a shit ?'"

402-
Three Texans were in a bar throwing back a few, while they were discussing the meaning of life. The conversation grew deeper and deeper when one of the gents started talking about reincarnation. The trio started considering the possibility of the existence of this phenomenon and what each would prefer to come back as given the choice.
The first cowboy said "Well I think if I had my 'druthers I'd come back as a big Brahman bull."
The other two contemplated this choice and inquired as to why a bull.
"Well," he said "If I was a bull all I would have to do would be to lie around, eat and sleep all day. My women would be brought to me, and my owner would be paid for my services. That seem like a pretty good life to me."
His two buddies both agreed that sounded like a good way to go through life, but one thought he could improve on it. He said, "I'd rather come back as a range bull."
"A range bull, why a range bull?"
"Well," he said, "If I was a range bull it would be much the same as the life Leroy was talkin' 'bout. All I would have to do all day is lie around, eat and sleep, but I wouldn't have no fences to hold me back, and I would have my choice of all the women on the range. That seems like the best life to me."
Leroy nodded in agreement.
Just then ol' Charlie spoke up. "Naw," he said as he shook his head, "Ya'll got it all wrong. I'd rather come back as a whale."
"A whale, why in tarnation would you want to come back as a whale?" They were amazed at Charlie's statement.
Charlie just grinned and said, "Can you imagine having a seven foot tongue and bein' able to breathe out of the top of your head?"

403-
A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go upstairs and get me my slippers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says, "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
The father shouts back..."Yes, both of them!"

404-
The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with " is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss" not sounding anything like my name, so I said who is calling? The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber band Powered Freezer company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood" then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but after what I had pulled, very enjoyable.

405-
As the wife of a lance corporal in the Marines, I have found the base commissary to have very long lines. After an interminable wait, a friend of mine had almost made it to the checkout counter. 
From nowhere, a woman with a cart load of groceries pushed her way forward exclaiming, "I have to go next! I'm invited to a party at the general's house tonight." 
Annoyance showed on many faces, until someone farther down the line spoke up. 
"You can go to the end of the line," she said. "I'm the one giving the party."

406-
THE JOYS OF BEING 50, 60, 70, + ...
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 p. m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 p. m.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

407-
During World War II Richard Wynn, on flight duty with the 8th Air Force Division in Europe was shot down and captured by the Germans. After a year as prisoner of war, he escaped and made his way back to his bomber group in England. One of his first acts there was to hunt up the corporal on duty in the parachute building. 
"Corporal," he said, "a year ago I had occasion to use one of the parachutes that your men had packed and I want you to know how delighted I was to find it in perfect working order. I give you my deepest compliments and appreciation." 
"You know, Lieutenant, funny thing," the corporal replied. "In this work we never get any complaints."

408-
What will be on your Tombstone
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
******************************
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go.
******************************
In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
****************************
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace: The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
******************************
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me For not rising.
******************************
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.
******************************
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays The Kid. We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw.
******************************
A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.
*****************************
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader, if cash thou art In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.
*****************************
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
*****************************
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont Here lies the body of our Anna - Done to death by a banana. It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go.
******************************
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled out and went to God
*****************************
In a cemetery in England: Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, you soon will be. Prepare yourself and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you I'll not consent Until I know which way you went
******************************
Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona: Here lies Lester Moore One slug from a 44 No Les No Mor

409-
A photographer went to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost which was said to appear only once in a hundred years. 
Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark until midnight when the apparition became visible. 
The ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for one snapshot. The happy photographer carefully composed the shot then took the picture. 
He headed straight-way to his studio to develop the film. After some anxious waiting for the processing to finish, he looked at the negative and groaned. It was underexposed and completely blank. 
Moral of the story: The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak...

410-
Our dog, Shaggy, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a. m. Irritated and sleepy, my wife, Sally, searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise placid animal. For three days she found nothing amiss. Then the dog woke up the neighbourhood at 3 a. m. with frantic barking. When Sally looked out the window, she discovered someone throwing pebbles to land near Shaggy. Sally hurried outside and found the culprit.
Crouching on the other side of the fence was our quiet neighbour, the last man you'd suspect of wrongdoing. My wife demanded to know what he was doing. "My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbour explained.
"If she loses her beauty sleep another night, she says she'll leave."

411-
A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honour of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses.
"Happy anniversary Mum and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."
"Not to worry," said the Dad... "The important thing is that we're all together today. "
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mum still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L. A. and didn't have time to get you a present... sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sendin g me out of town and I was really busy packing.... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
After they all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. Well... your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."
"The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're BASTARDS?"
Yep," said the Dad...."AND CHEAP ONES TOO

412-
On a trip to the USA, a wealthy Arab fell in love with Susan. He begged her to marry him, but she refused, saying that she had no intention of leaving America to live in a desert.
Immediately, the Arab bought several grand homes across the USA, from New England to California, and he took Susan on a tour of the homes, flying her from place to place in his private jet.
Susan was impressed, and she agreed to marry him.
Six weeks later, in tears, she phoned her father and asked him to take her back home.
"Whatever for?" asked her father.
"I've married a pervert," she cried.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"I don't want to talk about it," she said. "Just come and take me home."
So her father drove to her New England home. Arriving there, richly ornate gold gates opened electronically, and he drove along a wide, straight drive lined with oaks and maples. And at the end of the mile-long drive was a building so grand that it made the White House look like a dog kennel.
He climbed the solid marble steps to huge doors, at least twelve feet tall, and there he met his daughter, waiting for him with her two bags packed and ready to go.
"Oh, father," she cried. "Take me away from here at once. I cannot bear to stay a moment longer."
Her father could not believe that she should want to leave such splendour.
"What's wrong, dear?" he asked.
"The man is a pervert!" she exclaimed.
He asked his daughter to explain this perversion that was upsetting her so.
"When I married him," she sobbed, my ass-hole was as tight as a penny piece, and now, it's as big as a half dollar."
"Nay," said her father. "Surely you're not go to leave all this for the sake of forty-nine cents!"

413-
It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it.
The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"

414-
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer.)
.
.
.
.
They were M&M's - (get your mind out of the gutter !!) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

415-
A very proper elderly lady began planning a week's camping vacation for herself and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B. C." and wrote, "does your campground have it's own B. C.?"
When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B. C"
He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church, since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church.
So he sent this reply:
Dear Madam: The B. C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it.
The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them. Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground.

416-
"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.
An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said,
"Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II, my second husband died in Korea, one of my sons died in Vietnam, a Grandson died in Desert Storm, all so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."

417-
John came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend Mark, and told him of his adventures. "I was out in the jungle," he said, "when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit. The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away, and made towards it. As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on top of me, when he slipped for a third time. With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."
"That's some story there, John, I would have shit my pants."
"Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON...???"

418-
Bill decided to try his hand at a new job and secured one as a used car salesman.
He had no experience in this field but he figured he could use the old sales pitch that the car was *like brand-new* and had only been driven by a little old lady on Sundays. He tried that approach on every prospective buyer but none seemed to believe him and no sales were made that day.
His boss was furious and threatened to fire Bill if he didn't sell any cars the following day.
The following day he decided to change his sales pitch and sure enough he sold three cars.
The manager of the used car dealership called him over and asked what he had done to bring about all these sales.
Bill grinned, "Well they didn't believe my little old lady story, so I told them that the car had previously been owned by your daughter who only used the backseat."

419-
Two deeply religious Irish retirees were sitting on a patio playing checkers and sipping fine Irish whiskey. They enjoyed the mid-day sun almost as much as much as watching the local citizens walk by.
A few minutes go by and a middle-aged women pushes a baby stroller past the patio.
The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
"Aye," says the other as he takes a pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a wee one."
"Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they go about their game of checkers.
A few minutes later, a young couple stroll down the avenue hand in hand, gazing deeply into each others eyes.
The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
"Aye," says the other as he takes another pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a lover."
"Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they do about their game of checkers.
A few more minutes later, a young lass wearing clothes scarcely covering her shapely curves stops in front of the patio, bends over in front of the Irishmen giving them full exposure to her lovely rear, and smells the flowers in a near flower bed and walks on.
The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
"I'm not rightly sure this time, Shamus," says the other as he takes yet another pull from his whiskey. "But if I am, I'll surely be joinin' you in confession this afternoon"

420-
Thorn was trying real hard to get the best-looking cheerleader in school to go out on a date with him. She finally agreed, but only on condition that he arrange a date for her best friend too. That was fine with Thorn, but when Friday night came around he hadn't been able to line anyone up so he asked his retarded brother Futhman if he would help him out. "Why sure," said Futhman, "but you know, I've never been out with a girl before."
"No problem," said Thorn. "Just do everything I do."
Off the four of them go to the drive-in, and when Thorn started kissing his date, Futhman followed suit. Soon Thorn had the cheerleader's bra undone, so Futhman undid his date's. Next, Thorn was feeling inside her panties, but when Futhman tried to follow suit, his date told him to quit.
"Why?" asked Futhman, anxiously noting that his brother was getting quite a head start in the front seat.
"I have my period," she said.
"You're what?"
"I'm bleeding down there," she explained, blushing.
"This I gotta see," said Futhman. He turned on the headlights, dragged his date out in front of the car, and pulled down her pants. White-faced, he said, "Hell, I'd be bleeding too, if my dick were chopped off!"

421-
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, teenage daughter and dog. The dog has a little dog tutu on -- and a pointy clown hat. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really great act. We'd like you to represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too old-fashioned."
The mother says, "If you would please see our act, we know you would like us."
The agent says, "Okay, let me see what you do."
The father hoists his wife and daughter up -- one on each shoulder -- the daughter farts on the way up. The agent sees that the wife's panties have a rusty-coloured stain. The dog obediently runs out and sits in front of the human pyramid, in the centre of the line.
The dad says, "On the count of three -- one, two... three!"
The daughter and mum begin singing "On the Good Ship Lollypop."
"On the gooood ship lol-EE-pop..."
And as the family sing together, the clown dog does a little dance on its hind legs. The agent sees a little glistening bubblegum-coloured phallus on the dog.
"... it's a sweeeet trip to the can-DEE shop... ... where bob-bons play..."
The dog poops on the floor in front of the agent's desk.
"... on the sunny beach of peppermint bay..."
The mum & daughter somersault off the dad's shoulders -- he accidentally belches and poops his pants from the heavy lifting.
"Lemonade stands, everywhere crackerjack bands, fill the air and there you are, happy landings on a chocolate bar..."
The daughter slips on the dog poop and lands on her back on the agent's desk with her dress over the agent's head. She then farts. The dog takes a pee on the agent's desk.
The mum & dad continue singing:
"See the sugar bowl do a tootsie roll in a big bad devils food cake, if you eat too much... oh, oh, you'll awake, with a tummy ache."
The agent decides to perform cunnilingus on the girl since his head is up her dress. He can't help himself.
" On the good ship lollipop its a nice trip, in to bed you hop, and dream away, on the good ship lollipop."
Seeing the agent do this turns on the mum & dad. Dad continues singing while mum puts his penis into her mouth and bobs up and down on it. The dog is under the agent's desk -- humping his leg.
Eventually the daughter cums on the agent's face, the dog cums on the agent's leg and the dad cums in the mother's mouth. The agent has masturbated to completion.
The agent just sits in silence for a long time. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call yourselves?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

422-
A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde two places behind him has just raised her hand and smiled 'hello' to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and although she seems familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says: "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies: "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has ever been unfaithful. "Christ!" he says: "are you that strippogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates while your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?" "No!" she replies: I'm your sons' English Teacher..." 

423-
The Personal Ad:
SWM in dead-end job seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual psychological torture, tepid sex, and co-dependency.
I enjoy drinking, smoking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation.
I can't stand movies, and the last album I bought was The Marshall Tucker Band's Greatest Hits.
I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.
I'm 32 but look 40 and feel 60.
You are a whiny, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. In time you will become coolly hostile when I don't fulfil every unmet need you've ever had.
Bonus points if you just finished screwing every guy in town and but now want to take it slow with me.
My perfect night would include getting hammered in a shit- hole bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match.
I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills.
No friendships. I don't need any goddamn friends.
Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with women over 40.
Serious replies only, please.

424-
Little Johnny had a first date lined up with a woman he had been after for quite a while. When she finally consented to go out with him, he wanted to plan the most romantic evening he could.
He picked her up at her apartment, and then drove out to the beach. Little Johnny had prepared very carefully for this date and brought out a blanket for them to sit upon the sand and a bottle of the finest wine. The moonlight was shining down on them and Little Johnny poured his date some wine. He handed her the glass, looked lovingly in to her eyes and said,
"Now this is what I call romantic. The waves crashing on the shore, the moonlight in your eyes, a warm tropical breeze, a bottle of wine.....," he takes a sip of wine and says, "Oh and by the way... do you Spit or Swallow?

425-
The residents of the City of Brotherly Love got a few pointers on *lovin'* from a city-funded health program when a booklet was recently published and distributed that gave *these* tips on safety, dress and negotiation:
- "It is wiser to give than to get... This goes for bondage, spankings, water sports, oral sex . . . "
- "It is never a good idea to allow a stranger to tie you up or spank you."
- "Whether you are engaging in S&M or not, always be in charge or on top."
- "Clothing and accessories should be attractive to customers, but still safe."
- "Do not wear anything that will slow you down if you have to run."
- "Negotiate services and prices outside the car and circle it completely before entering to see the number of riders and the location of door handles."
- "Have a price list and time limits and stick to them."
- "Get your money up front!"
If you don't get the gist of the *tips*, they're safety tips for streetwalkers. The booklet is entitled, "Tricks of the Trade: Health and Safety Tips for Street Sex Workers" and was distributed to locals in a "prevention" campaign funded by City money. Needless to say, once the Mayor of Philadelphia got wind of what was being published, he immediately pulled the plug on further distribution of the safety pamphlet and future funding is being *reconsidered*

426-
A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest. A book, with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want." So he picks it up and opens it to a random page. "Chapter 1 The First Date."
So, he glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a friend whom he's wanted to ask out for quite a while.
When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She answers, "Hello?" He says, "Hi, Jessica? It's me. Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"
She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.
He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?" She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"
"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should have finished eating by then!"

427-
Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said "you stay here until you learn how to behave yourself".
Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour). About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said the bear would not bother him. The salesman went to the barn.
Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about the barn - no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left for barn.
One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear). The woman told the farmer that she could take care of herself and left for the barn.
Two hours later, heavy knocking at the door awakened the Farmer. When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.
The Farmer said "Good heavens, what happened to you?"
The woman replied "I give up on human nature... the first guy gave me forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap jerk in the fur coat never even said thanks!"

428-
Two fellows were lost in the desert, they had been there for days with no sign of life anywhere. All of a sudden one of the guys started to feel horny with all the heat and stuff.
He turned to his friend and said "do you know every now and then vultures sweep down and peck out your eyes?".
His friend replied "no way".
He said "yes but I have a prevention."
"If I see one swooping down insert these two coins into your eyes and bury your head in the sand".
"Gee thanks" his friend replied. All of a sudden the guy yelled "Vulture attack, Vulture attack" quickly the guy put in the coins and buried his head in the sand. At this the other guy whipped down his pants and had his wicked way with him. The guy in the sand shouted "You can peck as hard as you like you aren't getting my eyes !".

429-
A young wife was at home waiting for her husband to get off work when the doorbell rang. It was the Fuller Brush Man with her order from the week before. She told him, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom."
They made their way back to the bedroom and started fucking. About the time that the Fuller Brush Man popped his nuts, there was a knock on the door. The wife said, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!"
The guy crawled underneath the bed and the wife went to the door. It was the delivery boy from the grocery store with her grocery order. She said, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom."
Again, while the wife was fucking the delivery boy and he was cumming, the doorbell rang. The wife exclaimed, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!" So he crawled under the bed.
At the door, it was the delivery boy from the drug store with her order. She said, "I don't have any money, but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom." They started fucking and just when the boy shot his wad, there was another knock on the door.
It was the insurance man who had come to collect the weekly payment. The wife said, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom".
They went back to the bedroom and starting getting it on and had just finished when the doorbell rang. "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!", said the wife. So, he got underneath the bed.
At the door was the coal truck driver with a load of coal for the furnace. He was a black man, unlike the crackers before him. The wife told him, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom".
They went back to the bedroom and consummated the agreement the wife had made. While the coal man was getting off, the doorbell rang again. The wife said, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!"
She went to the door, sweaty and smelly and cum dripping from her cooze, and this time it WAS her husband. He came in and sniffed the funky smells in the air, and shouted at her, "Damn you! You been fuckin' somebody else again! I told you I was gonna pull all the hairs out of your cunt, one by one, if I ever caught you fuckin' again. Back to the bedroom and lay on the bed, bitch!"
They went to the bedroom and he threw her on the bed and started pulling hairs out of her pussy. As we know, it was pretty crowded underneath the bed but the ones who were there remained silent while the wife screamed at each pull of a hair. The husband finally had pulled all the hairs out except for one. He just couldn't get the last hair pulled out and he screamed, "Come on out of there, you black bastard!"
With that, the coal man stuck his head out from under the bed and said, "Let 'de fo' white gentlemans go fust."

430-
Ibn Saud ben Alekh, a respectable and dignified merchant, was attending a camel auction in the main square when he was overcome by the most terrible intestinal cramps. Finally, unable to contain himself, he let out a giant fart, which was so noisy and so pungent that the people around him looked aghast and stepped back in a circle.
Overcome with shame, Ibn Saud went straight home, packed, and turned his back on his birthplace. For many years he led a nomadic life, wandering from town to town, but as old age approached, so did the longing to return to his hometown. By this time he was aged and stooped, his hair and beard long and gray. He was confident that no one would recognize him and link him to that mortifying moment.
So he returned to the town and headed straight for the main square, where he immediately noticed that the mosque now boasted a spectacular turquoise and gold-leaf facade. Turning to the passerby, he commented on the magnificent mural. "Peace to you, my son," greeted the old man, "can you tell me when it was completed?"
"Let me think," replied the man. "Yes, that would be seven years, five months, and twenty-two days after Ibn Saud ben Alekh cut that big fart in the square."

431-
Two executives were deep in a Highland forest, on an adventure weekend arranged by their firm. Neither had any real map-reading skills and they became separated from the other members of their team. All they knew was that the final rendezvous point was a remote pub called, 'The Wee Stump Inn.'
They trudged through the woods for hours, hopelessly lost until they came to what looked like a fork in the forestry trail. They couldn't agree on which path to take. Eventually, they decided to take one path each. They shook hands and resolved that the last man back to the pub would pay for the drinks.
Four hours later, the man that chose the correct fork was sitting at the pub fireside, enjoying his pint, when his friend staggered in. He was cut, bleeding, battered and bruised as if he had been mugged by a rugby team.
Once the men in the pub got the man settled, he explained, "I must have gone around in circles for hours, until I heard the sound of an idling car engine. I headed toward the sound and found a car in a clearing at the end of what looked like a 'lovers lane'. The car was all steamed up and I couldn't see who was inside, but I could hear more than one voice. So, I thought that I could ask for directions and I knocked on the driver's window. Now, the man in the car must have been a complete psychopath, because as soon as I asked him, 'How far is the Wee Stump Inn?' he jumped out of the car and beat the shit out of me!"

432-
Ferguson the blacksmith came to the doctor's surgery with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised 'cos Ferguson was a careful man. "What happened?" he asked.
"Well, 33 years ago, I was a young apprentice with Mr Thompson," Fergo began.
"But about your foot?" the doc said.
"This is about my foot," Ferguson replied. "Thompson had a beautiful daughter. The first night I was there, she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable or if I wanted anything. I said I didn't.
The next night, she came in wearing her nightdress and asked if there was anything she could get or do for me and I told her I was comfortable.
The next night, she came in without a thing on and asked if she could do anything for me. Not wanting to keep her in the cold and without any clothes, I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot?" the doctor asked impatiently.
"It was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant," Fergo said. "I was so annoyed with myself, I threw me hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle.

433-
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. 
The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?" 
"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Bill Gates." 
The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven." 

434-
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady: "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!"
And she proceeded to close the door, quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" He said: "not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said: "Well I hope you've got a bloody good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning!" 

435-
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked, "And where were you when I got married?"

436-
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. 
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. 
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. 
The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. 
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. 
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. 
He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. 
He paid for our new cabin cruiser. 
He paid for our house at the lake. 
He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. 
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" 
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

437-
A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building got the ultimate revenge when he was called for the umpteenth time to fix a tenant's clogged toilet. Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to be giving a fancy dinner party for other tenants in the building, the super had to endure her telling all the assembled guests that he was a complete incompetent idiot. Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom door to watch his clumsiness. He didn't say anything, but merely concentrated on fixing the toilet, while she kept on complaining about the bad service. So busy was she complaining, that no one noticed when the super reached quietly into his tool bag.
A minute later, he held something up triumphantly and told her and the assembled guests, "I've found what was clogging your toilet!"
All the guests broke into shocked laughter, and the woman turned a, bright beet red.
The super was holding up a large yellow banana with a red condom wrapped around it.
The woman never complained again....

438-
When you think of it, there are only two things you need to make people. You got to have sex. You got to have food. That's it. You don't need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it's sex and food. But for some reason, sex is dirty.
Maybe God was a Republican. Somebody said, "All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that's it." But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: "Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, have a hell of a time."
What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word.
When people got angry at you, they'd yell out "Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper."
Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork.
Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. "Ohmigod. It's a pepperoni."
Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut."
Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states.
Supermarkets would check I. D.s and charge admission to the poultry section.
Frederick's of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates.
Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.
Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. "All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister."
Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area.
Hookers would become cooks. You'd be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?"
Fundamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet.
Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.
Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they'll go blind.
Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating.

439-
Just after the 6 Day War back in 1967, a small group of Israeli soldiers were up in the Golan Heights, all rather bored to be guarding such a barren place.
They came across a deserted army post and to their astonishment and luck, there was a case of beer there, albeit brewed in Egypt.
"What the hell," thought the soldiers, "They invented the stuff after all."
And so they set to drinking the whole case. It tasted a bit odd but drink it they did.
They didn't get to finish the lot because within an hour they were vomiting, farting and shitting brown puddles so badly, they had to be airlifted out to the nearest field hospital.
They got better but to be sure one of the doctors sent a sample of the beer back to Tel Aviv for laboratory analysis as he'd never seen such a case of food poisoning and wanted to know what had caused it.
A few days later a letter arrived with the results.
It said, "Congratulations. Your camel is pregnant."

440-
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. 
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. 
She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p. m. Friday afternoon. 
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p. m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. 
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p. m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" 
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." 
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." 
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

441-
A paleface went to the local Indian reservation where he met the chief. How' s about letting me have one of your women for a little while? asked the paleface.
The chief responded, "How much money do you have?"
"I don't have any money but I have this bag of corn." said the paleface.
"A bag of corn huh." replied the chief.
The chief thought for a moment then agreed to the deal. "Take that woman there into my tepee." he said.
So the paleface took the woman into the tepee where she took all her clothes off and laid down on her stomach. The paleface saw this and said, "No, you have to turn over onto your back."
The Indian woman replied by turning over pointing at her pussy saying, "This money hole." Then turning over onto her stomach, pointing to her ass saying, "This corn hole."

442-
A Doctor addressing a large audience said: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

443-
A salesman is driving down a country road one day when his car broke down. There was a farm near by, so he went up to ask for some help. The farmer suggested that his daughter, Nelly, could give him a ride into town to get the necessary parts for his car. Nelly was an innocent girl, the epitome of virginal beauty.
Nelly and the salesman were on their way into town when he convinced her to pull over to the side of the road to enlighten her about the facts of life. They had some down and dirty sex all over the car, and then went into town to get the car parts. By the time they got into town, the auto store was closed, so they had to return to the farm. The farmer allowed the salesman to spend the night in the barn and get his car fixed in the morning.
The next morning the salesman went up to the farmhouse to get Nelly so she could give him a ride into town. Nelly was gone, however, and her sister Venus opened the door. Venus was very unlike Nelly. She was sexy, voluptuous, and really even a bit sleazy. Venus volunteered to give the salesman a ride into town, and off they went. Venus did the convincing this time, and the salesman had the "ride" of his life. They eventually made it back to the farm with the parts, and the salesman fixed his car. He thanked the farmer, left his address to they could keep in touch in the future, and went on his merry way.
A few months later the salesman received a later from the farmer which contained only a poem:
Were you the one who did the pushin' Left the bloodstains on the cushion And the footprints on the dashboard upside down? 'Cause since you met my daughter Nelly, There's a swelling in her belly, And you'd better get your ass back into town.
The salesman thought for a minute, and wrote the following response:
Yes, I was the one who did the pushin' Left the bloodstains on the cushion And the footprints on the dashboard upside down. But since I met your daughter Venus, I've had some problems with my penis, So I guess we're pretty even all around.

444-
Three servicemen, Air Force, Marine, and a Sailor, were all on a flight to go home on leave after spending time in Iraq.
When they landed a man approached them and said ,"boys to show my thanks for serving our country I'm gonna give you my truck to drive home so you don't have to pay for a cab." The guys thankfully agreed and drove off.
Halfway there the truck broke down and they were stuck out on a lonely stretch of road. Off in the distance they seen a farm house and went to ask to use the phone. When the man at the door answered and saw the men in uniform he invited them in.
He said ,"boys for serving our country I'll cook you a steak dinner and you can shack up with my three daughters, you'll have to discuss amongst yourselves who sleeps with each girl, there's plenty of beer in the fridge."
The men ate and the first girl comes down the stairs, a very pretty girl. The flyboy jumped up and said "she's mine" and goes upstairs.
The second girl comes down, prettier than the first, the jarhead snatches her up and goes upstairs.
The sailor is waiting for the last girl thinking he's getting the heifer of the group. To his delight she comes down, the finest of them all.
The next morning the farmer is cooking breakfast. The fly boy comes down first, uniform neatly pressed, fresh looking. The farmer asked if he wanted breakfast but the flyboy says, "No thank you sir, you've done enough already." and left.
The jarhead came down next, uniform not as neat as the flyboys but still acceptable. The farmer offers him food but he only drinks coffee, thanks the farmer and leaves.
The sailor comes down next, still a little drunk, neckerchief messed up and missing a shoe. The farmer offers him breakfast and the sailor ate everything and took off without even a 'thank you'.
After they all were gone the farmer calls his girls down. Rubbing his hands together greedily he says, "ok girls, how did we do?"
The girl with the airman says, "he fondled me a little, drank a beer and gave me $200!"
The girl with the marine says, "he fucked me one time, had a couple beers and gave me $150."
The poor girl with the sailor appears all tired and worn out, "he fucked me all night, drank the rest of the beer, and I'll be damned if he didn't borrow $50 off me till next payday!!"

445-
There is a story about a certain bookmaker who was making a long trip by car when towards nightfall he happened upon an inn which had a most unusual name, The Even Steven, he decided to stop there for the night, The proprietor explained. "You see, my name is Steven Even. So I just decided to turn it around and call this The Even Steven." He continued, "We are pretty far in the country. In fact, there's not another soul lives closer than thirty miles away, whichever way you go. Makes it pretty lonely for me, a widower. And worse still for my daughters. They should have their pick of boy friends. But, they are getting so frustrated they're about to do anything for a man."
The bookie made sympathetic noises, and listened until hunger obliged him to change the subject to that of food. An excellent home-cooked dinner was served to him by a gorgeous blonde who introduced herself as Blanche Even; and she kept asking him if there was anything else he wanted. Finally, she said, "Would you like me to sit and talk to you for a while?" "Thank you," he said politely, "but I've had a long day."
He went to his room and had just started to undress when there was a knock at the door and an absolutely breathtaking brunette came in. "I'm Carmen Even," she said. "I just wanted to see if there is anything you want." "I don't think so, thank you," he said pleasantly.
When he had finally climbed in between the sheets and was preparing to read himself to sleep, the door opened again to admit a redhead in a negligee to end all negligees. "I'm Ginger Even," she announced. "I wanted to be sure your bed was comfortable." "It is," he assured her.
When she had gone, he settled down with a sigh of relief and was about to put out the light at last when the door burst open once more and the proprietor himself stomped in, glowing with indignation. "What's the matter with you," he roared. "I got to listen all night to my daughters moaning an' wailing, the most luscious gals in this county, because they all try to show you hospitality an' you won't give one of 'em a tumble. Ain't us Evens good enough for you?"
"I'm sorry," said the transient, "But I told you when I registered I'm a professional bookmaker. I only lay Odds."

446-
Two guys were talking at work. "I've got a problem," said the first one.
"What is it?"
"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in- law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And, I am fresh out of ideas. I mean, it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"
"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.
"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."
"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.
The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.
When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"

447-
Some of you  may remember a guy named Charlie Schlossel who was a very successful manufacturer who seemed to disappear from our midst.
Last night I was about to enter my limousine when I saw this homeless person going through a garbage can and I realized it was Charlie Schlossel. It was a sobering moment. I said, "Charlie, what happened?"
"Well, I went through fifteen million like this," he said, snapping his fingers. "You know, after I sold my business I always wanted a jet airplane so I bought one. I'm coming out of Manila Airport, we had to abort the takeoff, the wing hits the tarmac, bursts into flame, thank God we were all safe. Five million dollars, no insurance, out the window."
He said, "I was sitting in the south of France, I saw this yacht and I hear somebody's saying that the guy's going belly up. I give him five million for the yacht. We're coming out of the fjords in Norway, hit an iceberg, sunk, thank God we got out."
He said, "I saw this little girl in the Greek Islands ... breasts, ass firm, tight, maybe twenty, twenty-three years old. I married her. Two years later she took me for five million in the settlement."
The lesson, I guess, that we can all learn is that if it flies, floats, or fucks --- rent it.

448-
Things To Do When Watching Lord Of The Rings:
Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"
Block the entrance to the theatre while screaming, "YOU..... SHALL.... NOT..... PASS!"
Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says, "the Ring."
Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.
Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mister Ander- son."
When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
Dress up as old ladies and re-enact "The Battle of Helms Deep," Monty Python style.
When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
When the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout, "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
Start an Orc sing-a-long.
Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.
When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for a tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"
Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.
Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theatre during the Shelob scene.
Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.
When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"
As Frodo is standing, hesitating to drop the ring, yell 'Get on with it!'
When the armies attack the massive elephant creatures, start griping loudly about how it's a blatant rip-off of Star Wars and the battle with the walkers on Endor.
Insist you can spot William Wallace in the scene right before the final battle charge.
Insist Gandalf is played by Jean Luc Picard, who has no real magic, just some decent melee skills, and incredible futuristic knowledge of how everything seems to work.

449-
One hot sunny summer day, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the day fishing at the lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the perfect weather and watching a speed boat pulling a water skier back and forth across the lake. 
Tim and Don, being friendly sorts, waved at the skier but when the skier tried to wave back he lost his hold on the tow line and went down hard.
The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier to surface. But the skier's life jacket came up without him. Feeling responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dove in and swam out to try and save him. 
After several fruitless dives they finally found the body lying on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to shore. They started CPR, Tim doing compressions and Don giving mouth to mouth. 
All of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag. 
Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled, "Why are you stopping?! We have to save this guy!" 
Don replied, "The guy WAS water skiing right?" 
"Well yeah. We both saw him. Why?" 
"Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..."

450-
A little boy is walking to school one day and hears some kids talking about the yellow flower. He decides he wants to find out what it is. He gets to school and says to his teacher, "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. What is it?" His teacher says, "I will not tolerate that kind of talk in my classroom! Go to the principal's office!" The little boy goes up to the principal's office, and the principal asks him, "What are you doing up here, son?" The little boy replies, "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was and she sent me up here. What is it?" The principal says, "I will not have that kind of talk in my school! You are expelled from this school and every other school in the state! Get out!" So the little boy goes home. His mother asks, "What are you doing home so early?" "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, and the principal expelled me from every school in the state. What is the yellow flower?" His mother says, "Go up to your room! You're going to bed without dinner. I'll send your father up to talk to you when he gets home." So the little boy goes up to his room, soon after, his dad gets home from work. He goes up to the boy's room and says, "Your mom tells me you've been a bad boy. What did you do?" "Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, the principal expelled me from every school in the state, and mom sent me to bed without dinner. What's the yellow flower?" His dad says, "Get out of my house son! I don't ever want to see you again!" The little boy is walking down the street, and a few hours later a policeman stops him. He asks him why he is walking by himself so late at night. The little boy says, "Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, the principal expelled me from every school in the state, mom sent me to bed without dinner, and dad kicked me out of the house. Can you tell me what the yellow flower is?" The policeman says, "That's enough of that! You're going to jail for 99 years!"
99 years later, he comes back an old man, and decides he wants to try to find out what the yellow flower is. So he heads to his old school where it all started. As he is crossing the street, he gets hit by a car and dies.

What's the moral of the story? Look both ways before crossing the street....

451-
True Story
A work colleague told me of her friend’s experience last weekend.
Apparently this lady has two boys aged 12 and 10. 
She took them to Flamingo Land in North Yorkshire for a day out, Flamingo Land has a zoo and fairground attractions so an ideal day out for two young lads. Being a responsible parent she took along 2 sports bags filled with snacks, drinks and towels to sit on during a picnic.
After lunch she decided to take the 10 year old on the roller coaster and, knowing that his brother was scared of roller coasters asked him to stay in one spot with the bags until they returned in 15 minutes or so.
After the ride with the younger son she returned to where the elder boy had been left, only to find him soaking wet and trying to dry himself with the towels. She asked him what had happened but he just smiled and told her he was wet. After drying him as best she could she decided to leave the park and head back home to Manchester.
When they arrived home the 12 year old and his brother went into the living room to watch the Flamingo Land DVD that she’d bought whilst she decided to unpack the sports bags and tidy up in the kitchen.
She took out the soaking towels from one of the bags and put them straight into the washing machine. That done she then opened the other bag and was horrified to find a fully grown live penguin inside staring up at her. You can imagine her surprise. She called out to the boys to come into the kitchen and the 12 year old looked really happy and kept on saying “Penguin”
She immediately got on the phone to Flamingo Land and said “I’m terribly sorry but my son has kidnapped one of your penguins” The person at the other end told her not to worry as “It happens all the time” but to put the penguin in the bath and pour cold water over it every 2 hours ~ it didn’t need to be fed as the penguins are only fed once a day and that had happened before the kidnap~ and could she return it the next day?
She agreed and spent the night ensuring that the creature was comfortable in its bath and then drove 182 miles on the Monday to Morton and back ~ a journey of 5 hours. 
That has to be the best excuse ever for not turning up for work on a Monday morning.

452-
There were two teenage girls who decided they wanted to go into a package store and see if they could buy some liquor. So they parked their car and one girl said to her friend you wait here I'm going in to see if I can get us something to drink. If I am not back in 15 minutes come in and look for me and see if maybe I got busted and might need you to call my parents or something. So the girl disappears into the store and 15 minutes goes by and the 2nd girl is getting worried about her friend so she goes to the front door of the package store to see if she's ok and the door is locked! And all of the lights are off and no one is in sight. She looks at her watch and says gee it's too early for the store to be closed so she decides to go around to the back and try to get in that way. She goes to the backdoor, which is also locked, but it has a small window. So she peeks into the window and sees that the owner of the package store has her friend tied up in a standing position with her arms over her head and she is butt naked and the owner of the store is licking her friend all over her body from head to toe. She freaks out and says OMG I better go call 911. So she goes to a phone and calls the police and finally they get there and they bang and bang on the door until the owner finally opens it. They enter the store and tell the owner you better get this girl dressed and out of here right away. The girl says but wait!! I want to press charges and the cops tell her you can't press charges she says He had me tied up naked  The police say I am sorry you cannot press charges and the girls ask again but why not? The police say because he has a "liquor license"!!

453-
There were 2 male canaries just sitting in a cage, when one day the door opened and a female canary was tossed in...
She hated being in the cage and flew circles inside trying to find a way out. One male canary looked at the other and said "Hey watch this" He called to the female..."Hey I know how to get out of here" she flew over and begged him to tell her...
He said, "Meet me at the bottom of the cage."
So she flew down to where he was waiting and he said, "Gimme some and I'll tell you."
Being desperate to escape she gave him some birdie sex... only to be told when they were done, "Ha!! There's no way out of here!!" He flew up and high winged the other male...
Two days later the female was still trying to find a way out when the other male called to her and said, "Hey I feel sorry for you!! Meet me at the bottom of the cage and I'll tell you how to get out."
So... she flew down and he said, "Gimme some and I'll tell ya. "By this time she was distraught and willing to do anything, so she gave him some birdie sex... only to be told, "Ha! Dummy there's no way out of here!"
That night the cage was covered and the female was still looking for escape.... The next morning the cover came off and to the astonishment of the male canaries the female was flying circles around the OUTSIDE of the cage!!!!!
Do you know how she got out????
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GIMME SOME AND I'LL TELL YA!

454-
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain :
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean". The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane".
After this announcement all the passengers re- arranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:
"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of the plane..."-Thank You For Flying Lufthansa- ".

455-
Poor little Cinders is in the kitchen crying when in walks her fairy godmother who asks her what the problem is, Cinders replies "The ugly sisters laughed at me because my clothes are poor and scruffy and they said I can't go to the ball"
The fairy godmother assures her that she can help and waving her magic wand turns Cinderella's rags into a magnificent ball gown complete with gold sequins and elegant glass slippers. Cinderella continues to cry and says " I cant go to the ball because it is a long way to go and I don't know how I am ever going to get there"
The fairy godmother looks around the kitchen for inspiration and sees a basket full of vegetables, selecting a pumpkin and four carrots she waves her magic wand and they are transformed into a wonderful gold carriage with four prancing horses - as a finishing touch she picks up a cabbage and a leek and magically they become a coachman, who climbs up and takes the reigns and a footman who opens the carriage door and indicates that Cinders should step inside. Seeing Cinders is still crying the fairy godmother asks her in desperation what ever else is wrong and Cinders replies "It is the time of the month when I have my period and the ugly sisters have taken all the sanitary towels so I still can't go to the ball"
Looking into the almost empty vegetable basket the fairy godmother takes out an enormous turnip and with a flick of her wand turns it into a tampax tampon which she hands to Cinders saying " There you go my dear, but whatever you do, for fucks sake get back by midnight"

456-
At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of other bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, Your damn plane only went down yesterday!"

457-
Once upon a time, there was a sweet, cute, darling little girl named Little Red Riding Hood who was going to her grandma's house at the other end of the forest. Along the way, she meets a Big Bad Wolf who asks in a polite voice, "Little girl, where are you going on this nice fine day?"
"Well, actually, my ma told me not to talk to strangers," Little Red Riding Hood says. "But since you are such a nice wolf, I'll tell you. I'm going to my grandma's house at the other end of the forest."
"It's so sad, but I'm not going by that way; see you some other time!!!" And with that, the sneaky, no good, Big Bad Wolf dances away to grandma's house at the other end of the forest, chuckling to himself, "Hee hee, kids nowadays, little do they know..."
So Little Red Riding Hood slowly proceeds, arriving at her grandma's house late in the afternoon. The door is ajar, and a strange deathly silence permeated the air. "Oh grandma, I'm here to visit you!!!"
"Ooooh dearie, I'm inside, sick in bed," a gruff voice replies. Little Red Riding Hood enters the house, only to see a huge *thing* lying on the bed.
"Oooh grandma, what BIG ears you have."
"Better to hear you with dear... (hee, hee)"
"Oh grandma, what BIG eyes you have."
"Better to see you with dear... (hee, hee)"
"Oooh grandma, what BIG teeth you have."
"(hee, hee) Better to EAT YOU with..." And the Big Bad Wolf leaps hungrily out of bed, ready to pounce on poor, cute, defenceless, and darling Little Red Riding Hood... Only to see her rip out a .44 Magnum from under her basket and unload four rounds, point-blank, into his belly.
"Arrrghh," the Big Bad Wolf cries in pain. "Kids nowadays. I should've known."

458-
Alien Diary
8:15 AM Leave asteroid for work.
9:00 AM Hover over cornfield on outskirts of small Midwestern town.
9:30 AM Land in backyard where housewife is hanging laundry. Silence barking dog with penetrating gaze.
10:00 AM Stun housewife with laser-gun or energy pulsating fingertips. Levitate her body just long enough to be glimpsed by a passing motorist. Materialize the body inside spaceship. Remove internal organs; weigh, label and categorize. Return most, if not all, to the body. Erase all traces of surgery. Rematerialize housewife in backyard. Turn back time two hours. Bid enigmatic good-bye. Leave.
1:10 PM Visit once prestigious astronomer who everyone thinks has gone mad. Deliver pep talk. Leave him fist-sized fragments of an unidentifiable element.
2:15 PM Drop by Whitley Strieber's house, pick up royalty check from best seller. Communion.
3:00 PM It's Saturday; Beam Mulder psychic impressions where to go next.
3:20 PM Hover over southwestern desert.
3:30 PM Offer psychotic drifter a lift.
4:30 PM Pose for cover of "Weekly World News" with Pres. Bush. Discuss ozone depletion, space travel, future political endorsements.
6:30 PM Back at the asteroid. Introduce psychotic drifter to other aliens. Listen to Windham Hill.
9:00 PM Dinner. Eat drifter.
10:00 PM Wash antennae, brush eyeballs, peel off outer layer of skin. Beam cryptic message to NASA satellite. Lights out.

459-
A couple had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. Now, to celebrate their golden anniversary, he took her to the big city to stay in a plush hotel.
But she told the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No window, no air conditioning, no bed...."
"But, ma'am..." interrupted the bellman.
"Don't you 'But, ma'am' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like a couple of fools just because we've never been to the big city and never spent the night in a hotel. I want to see the manager."
"Yes, ma'am," said the bellman, "I'll take you to him as soon as we get out of this elevator!"

460-
Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight? Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA from Alaska Air Flight Attendants.
In his own words.... "I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?"
(Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment in itself.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said, so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts, I'm sure, but this is most of it."
Before takeoff...
Hello, and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is..... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.
There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.
In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favour and put on your mask first. If you are travelling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favourite. Help your favourite first, and then work your way down.
In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pully thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane. HELLO !!
There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ... Oh, here it is; the movie tonight is "Gone with the Wind."
In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.
We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.
If you all weren't strapped down, you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?
After landing...
Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.
Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.
Please be careful opening the overhead bins because...."shift happens".

461-
Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served.
Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards.
It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.
We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can- eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you --in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated.
Perhaps bit too much, however. I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble.
There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing.
At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without to much concern.
Unfortunately, that was not to be.
After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhoea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...
I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall.
One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit.
I went to the normal stall.
In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.
I began "The Move."
For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move."
Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time.
It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivalling that of a skilled ballet dancer.
I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall.
Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up form a rematch.
What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.
In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was, diverted from the goings-on at the other end.
To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crotched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my oesophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted.
At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake... you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat.
Then I sat down.
Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.
Now, back to the vomit...
While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed.
OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting?
One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though.
Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles?
In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants... on the inside... with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet.
In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.
And there was no fucking toilet paper.
What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left.
At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.
About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to being the car around so we could bolt immediately.
Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers.
And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being.
She left.
The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned.
Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage or just slightly above.
At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.
Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom.
He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.
When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the centre of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.
The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.

462-
Astrological Condoms
Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That's probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that they're a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn't scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesn't get caught.
Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed, pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.
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Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship, cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel cases.
Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you. They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of a dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius. When you want to be on target with Cupid's arrows, you want a Sagittarius condom.
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Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality, ambition and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the conservative side. Capricorn condoms are the most durable, having the longest shelf life. Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last extra long.
With Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are optional. Be sure to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go stale. Capricorn is the sign of the mountain goat. When you're horny enough to climb the mountains of love, you want a Capricorn condom.
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Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy sign, and one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian condoms are just a little bit kinky. They come coloured hot pink and electric blue, and they come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and French ticklers for extra stimulation.
With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features political slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, "Things can change overnight; it depends upon how late you stay up and with whom doing what." Since Aquarius is a social sign, Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to share with your friends. Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer. When your love juices really get to flowing, you want an Aquarius condom.
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Pisces is known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on mysticism. Pisces are idealistic, sometimes to the point of ecstatic bliss. Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent. Little spikes are optional on the inside.
Pisces condoms contain special instructions for erotic fantasy games. Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells like love and you're on a seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom.
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Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented people. Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally Aries condoms are made from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits a "get up and go" attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature racing stripes, and every fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx packaging is optional for the black sheep. Aries prides themselves on being first and best. Aries condoms are perfect for quickies. When you want what you want when you want it, you want an Aries condom.
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Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the astrological signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most luxurious materials with special models available in silk and velvet. Taurus condoms give you quality at an affordable price, and they're frequently on sale.
Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once they've made a decision, they're almost impossible to stop. When your love is a sure thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull symbolizes Taurus. Taurus condoms are the ones you want when you're really horny.
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Geminis are known for their versatility, intellect and communications skills. Accordingly, Gemini condoms accommodate a variety of sexual positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are sold in multi-packs and come with a special audio chip. Naturally, they're available through mail order.
Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They always come in special pop up dispensers so that you don't have to work too hard. Gemini is the sign of the twins and Gemini condoms come in twin packs and are the preferred model for double headers. When you need to do it more than once, you need Gemini condoms.
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Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you decide to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for a partial refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history know a time when Cancer condoms were not available. Fine antique specimens grace many collections.
Astrologically speaking, Cancer is associated with the breasts. The makers of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the annual spring "Breast Worship Rituals." Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to beautiful, large breasted women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab. When you're not getting enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach for an Cancer condom.
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Leos are known for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos tend to be a bit flashy, showy and original in and out of bed. Leo condoms come in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming. Leo condoms come in one size: extra, extra large. Leo is symbolized by the lion. When you're ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, you're ready for a Leo condom.
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Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of fit and they keep you neat and clear. Virgo tend to be environmentally sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have the lowest failure rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a detailed, all purpose instruction manual.
Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When you're ready for some ritualised defloration activities, you're ready for a Virgo condom.
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Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come in fashionable hand- painted designer packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities. Libra is symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs heavily on your mind, you want a Libra condom.

463-
I am a member of a group that re-enacts the Civil War, serving in the artillery. As a mounted unit, we have several horses, and they always get a lot of attention from the public. On Memorial Day, a self-appointed animal-rights-type came over to our "Master of Horse" and started proclaiming:
"Listen here! I was raised around horses, I know horses, and you are mistreating that one there! That horse is obviously pregnant, and should not be forced to pull loads."
About that time, the horse (a gelded male) elected to urinate.
One of the guys in the unit, who had heard the woman's tirade, called out, "My god! Its water's broke, and there's a leg coming out!"
The woman left quickly and quietly.

464-
A man and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they had a flat on the car. Getting out, the boyfriend was about to start changing it when he spotted a cowboy sitting on his horse , rolling a smoke. He told his girlfriend that he would make the cowboy change the tire and for her to just wait there. "Hey asshole, get down off of that horse and come over here and change this tire" he said. The cowboy continued to roll the smoke and ignored him. "Hey shithead, I told you to get over here and change this tire or I'm going to kick your ass" The cowboy looked at him and then said" I'll tell you what, fella". "I'm going to finish my smoke. Then I'm going to get down off my horse, kick your ass, make you change that tire while I screw your girlfriend". "And, I'm gonna make you hold my balls up out of the hot sand while I do it". As they were driving on across the desert, the girlfriend says "that cowboy was pretty tough, wasn't he baby"? "Naw, he wasn't so tough", said the guy. "Did you see him flinch everytime I dropped his balls in the hot sand?

465-
A world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down the High Street one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for 'Wasp sounds from around the Globe'. On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then. Naturally, being a world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to 'Wasp sounds from around the Globe'.
A few seconds later the world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales persons attention. "Excuse me," he says" "I'm a world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to 'Wasp sounds from around the Globe', and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar." The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeed listening to 'Wasp sounds from around the Globe'.
Puzzled, the world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there. "Excuse me," he says: "as I mentioned before, I am a world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to 'Wasp sounds from around the Globe' and I have to say again, those are no wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct recording?" Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses .............. "Oops, sorry sir, I seem to have played you the bee side..." 

466-
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

467-
Disney Finales
Whatever happened to our favourite Disney characters?
MICKEY MOUSE: Died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes because Minnie said "No" for 50 years.
DONALD DUCK: Served as a main course at Epcot's China Pavilion.
PLUTO: Caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed.
GOOFY: Assassinated during first term as President of the United States.
SCROOGE McDUCK: Died in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS.
HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE: Involved in an underground child pornography ring.
CHIP & DALE: Extracted from Richard Gere's colon.
SNOW WHITE: Fell for the "apple trick" again.
DOPEY:'nuff said
SNEEZY: Died of pneumonia with Jim Henson.
GRUMPY: Executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.
HAPPY: Killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.
DOC: Was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under bridges and eating out of used cat food cans.
SLEEPY: Never woke up. 
BASHFUL: Now a stripper with the Chippendales.
MARY POPPINS: Shot down over Iraqi airspace.
CHRISTOPHER ROBIN: Male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose.
WINNIE THE POOH: Had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570.
PIGLET: Gunned down in a mafia hit.
RABBIT: Died of an aneurysm while watching over his garden.
EEYORE: Committed suicide.
TIGGER: Accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.
PETER PAN: Christopher Robin's lover, committed suicide in despair.
TINKERBELL: Caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid.

468-
Roy was extolling the virtues of his new girlfriend. In fact, she was so perfect in every way that he'd asked her to marry him, and she accepted. Why, he was the luckiest man in the entire universe.
"I'm really happy for you, Roy," his best friend assured him. "And what did you say this paragon's name is?"
"Betty Jo," replied Roy, a look of pure happiness coming over his face at the mere mention of her name. "Betty Jo Bronowski."
"Not Betty Jo Bronowski!" yelled his buddy. "Roy, you can't be serious about marrying her. She's slept with every man in Poughkeepsie!"
A frown passed over Roy's face as he reflected briefly. "Heck," he responded, "Poughkeepsie's not such a big town."

469-
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker. 
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career..."

470-
If you receive an email entitled: "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY!!! Do not open it!! Apparently this one is pretty nasty. 
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetises the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. 
It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your BEER!
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company!!! 
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine!! 
If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a very full bathtub. 
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk!
*** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *** And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds.... you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you! Hurry! ... Send this warning to everyone!!!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! 
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! 
And look at you ---
you're on the computer!!!!

471-
A shrewd old farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!"
The salesman went on to tell the old farmer how he was getting extras such as power steering, power brakes, power windows, and special tires, and that was what took the price up.
The farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the price and went home. A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"
The farmer replied, "Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500 apiece. Come and look at them and take your pick."
The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500. The farmer said, "Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for those too."
"What extras?" asked the salesman.
Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow:

BASIC COW.................$500.00 
Two-tone exterior..........$45.00 
Extra stomach..............$75.00 
Product storing equipment..$60.00 
Straw compartment.........$120.00
4 spigots @$10 ea..........$40.00 
Leather upholstery........$125.00 
Dual horns.................$45.00 
Automatic fly swatter .....$38.00 
Fertilizer attachment.....$185.00
GRAND TOTAL ........... $1,233.00

472-
There's a family of balloons - Mum, Dad and Baby Boy Balloon. The boy is getting on to the age where he's about to start school but much to his parents worry he still sleeps in their bed each night. The Dad goes to see their G. P. who refers the boy for counselling. It costs a fortune and takes months but eventually the night arrives where there boy will sleep all night in his own bed. 
As he's tucking his son up the father speaks to him proudly and fondly and says "Son, it's nearly bankrupted me and cost many an argument between your mother and I but now that you will sleep all night in you own bed words can't express how proud I am. This is a really big day for the family. I love you." As his father speaks the gentle words, the wee boy balloon drifts off to sleep.
But in the middle of the night he wakes a bit thirsty so gets up for a drink of water. He returned to his own bed but without the gentle words from his Dad just can't get back to sleep. So he decides to get in beside his parents but to his dismay he finds that there's no room for him. He tries to squeeze himself up the middle but he just can't manage.
So he lets a wee bit of air out of his Dad and tries again. Still not enough room. Then he lets a wee bit of air out of his mother. It's a lot closer but he just can't get himself in. Finally he lets a little bit of air out of himself and that does the trick. He squeezes in and drifts off to sleep quite contented.
When his father wakes in the morning to see his son is back in the bed between him and his wife he goes bananas. Screaming at the top of his voice he shouts. "Son, you knew how important last night was for this family. We spent thousands of pounds on counselling and we've bought you countless treats despite the financial stress it was causing. It's an absolute disgrace. Not only have you let me down, you've let your mother down and worse than that you've let yourself down."

473-
Three colonial soldiers were posted to Parantalaplana in North East India where they were briefed by their Sergeant on local traditions and standing orders.
1. "Do not drink water from the Handilavi River. It is full of toxins and will give you the trots"
2. "Do not use the native prostitutes, they're disease ridden and will give you a dose"
3. "Beware the Black and Orange hooped snake. It is deadly but slow. Do not kill it because it is sacred to the locals. If confronted by this obsidian you should grab it's tail with both hands and run your inner hand up the length of the snake's body until just behind it's head. You can then render it unconscious by gently striking it's head on a convenient rock."
A week later, the sergeant is visiting all three soldiers in hospital.
The first soldier was lying in bed on a saline drip with a big sign saying "Nil By Mouth" at the foot of his bed. When the Sergeant asked how he came to be in hospital the soldier confessed he had drunk from the Handilavi River. The Sergeant gave the soldier his sympathies and 30 days in the stockade for disobeying orders
The second soldier had a protective cage round his genitalia and his hand and feet tied to the corners of his bed to prevent scratching. When the sergeant asked how he came to be in hospital the soldier confessed he had been choked with the horn and dipped his wick in several of the local working girls. The Sergeant gave the soldier his sympathies and 30 days in the Stockade for disobeying orders
The third soldier was covered in bandages and plaster casts from head to toe. There were small slits for his eyes, nose, mouth and fluid drips. When the sergeant asked how he came to be in such a state the soldier explained.
"I was on patrol to the south of Parantalaplana, just approaching the outer reach of my stretch, when I spotted the Black and Orange hooped snake backing out from under a bush. Remembering your advice I put down my gun and grabbed the snake by the tail with both hands. I then ran my inner hand up the length of his body but instead of reaching it's head I had stuck my hand up the arse of the biggest tiger in all of India....."

474-
Ballet / dancing jokes 
Q: What do you call the costume of a ballerina with one leg? 
A: A one-one
Dancing is defined as "A perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire." 
The problem with dancing in the nude is that not everything stops when the music does. 
Sign on a church notice board. "Good clean dancing every night but Friday." 
Peter joined his local ballroom dancing club and claimed to be an expert dancer. However it quickly emerged that he couldn't dance at all. So he was accused of bearing waltz fitness. 
How different professions lose their jobs. 
Male dancers get decamped 
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Q: What's the difference between a ballet dancer and a pit bull? 
A: The jewellery.
Q: How many ballet dancers does it take to change a light-bulb? 
A1: One. She holds the light-bulb and the world revolves around her. 
A2: Two. One to hold her diet coke, the other to get her accompanist to do it. 
A3: As if she would demean herself that way! 
A4: None. It's not in her contract.
The Russian danseuse probably didn't realize how it sounded when she said, "HOW could he give ze lead in "Les Sylphides" to HER? He knows I am ze best Fokine ballerina in zis company!" 
Showing off what she had learned in class, my sister took a wide second position, then said, "Isn't this ungraceful? What do you think of this position?" 
Trying to keep a straight face, I said, "I think it would be very uncomfortable for the man."
Chided from the balcony during a rehearsal for always seeming to be slightly ahead of the music, a college student/dancer calmly replied: "Well, I can't help it that light travels faster than sound." 
A mother took her six-year old daughter to the ballet. This was the first time the little girl had ever seen a ballet and she watched wide-eyed as the ballerinas pranced around the stage on their toes. When the ballet was over, the mother asked her daughter if she had any questions. 
"Yes, Mummy," the little girl replied, "Wouldn't it be easier if they just hired taller dancers?"

475-
12-Step Internet Recovery Program
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my chequebook because I was too busy on the Internet.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

476-
It was tea-time in the pad, and the air hung heavy in thick blue folds as the beat bunch and their tourist friends lit up. Suddenly, a loud voice in the hall demanded that they open the door in the name of legality. The smokers frantically gathered their still-smoking weeds and stuffed them in the cuckoo clock. The police entered, searched diligently, found nothing and left.
The bunch breathed a sigh of relief and made for the cuckoo clock just as the clock's hands announced three A. M. The little door popped open, the bird poked his head out and said, "Heyyyy mannnn, what time is it?"

477-
The US finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars. The spacecraft gently touched down and the astronaut descended and tested the atmosphere.
Lo and behold it was safe for people to breathe. He removed his space suit and exited the spacecraft. He was amazed to find himself in a lush green
valley surrounded with beautiful wooded hills. He hiked for some distance and came upon a beautiful little white cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white picket fence like something out of "Better Homes and Gardens." He walked up to the front door and found it open.
He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the kitchen he went back there. WOW, to his amazement he saw the most beautiful blonde he had ever seen standing over a large pot on the stove. Inside the pot was a gooey mess that she was stirring with a large spoon. As he watched she kept stirring and stirring.
After a couple hours he finally asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was having a baby. He was quite sceptical but after a couple more hours of stirring she reached down into the gooey mess and pulled out a beautiful baby girl. He told her that was really amazing but that was not the way it was done on Earth. She replied " How do you do it on Earth ?"
With a twinkle in his eyes he said, "Come on back to the bedroom and I'll show you." After an hour of the wildest sex he had ever experienced he lay back exhausted and lit up a cigarette. She said " Well where is the baby?"
He said " Oh that takes nine months."
She replied, "Well why did you stop stirring?"

478-
Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.
Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.
The winning number was 707....

479-
Two matronly sisters lived together and managed a farm. For years both had an extreme fear of thunder storms and lightning.
One day one of the sisters was visiting a neighbour, and while walking home was caught in a severe thunder storm. Lightning was streaking across the sky and thunder was booming all around. Being totally terrified, she ran to a nearby haystack and buried her head in the hay like an ostrich, so she could not see the lightning or hear the thunder.
With her head buried in the hay, her rear end was exposed, and the wind blew her dress up exposing the long unused part of her anatomy.
Along comes the local stud, and seeing the poor soul's predicament, he did the only thing a well endowed stud would do in such a situation. After fully satisfying himself he zipped his pants and went on his merry way.
Soon the sister pulled her head out of the haystack and rushed home, calling to her sister, "Sissy, Sissy, let me tell you something! If you ever get struck by lightning, you'll never be afraid again!!!!!!"

480-
Diary of a Smoker-Quitting 
Day One: Shit.
Day One again only the next day: Have tried to kill husband twice. Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done. Same for bathroom. Am suddenly thinking this has upside. Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remind me of cigarettes. Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully. Eat leftover beans from last night - that'll show him. Walk by computer and wave occasionally. Can't sit and write or surf as this has been main smoking area. It's about four-o' clock now; I could have just one, I could have just one, I could have just one. That's Mr. Nicotine. He lives with me; 'he' could be a chick, but frankly, right now, I don't frigging care. Decide to play fantasy game on Playstation. Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero can save world. World doomed in my opinion.
Day two, morning: Woke up two hours earlier than usual. Great; two extra hours of fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn. Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall. Woke up six times during night to pee because I drank four gallons of water "to assist my system flush poison." Am feeling unusually testy as result of lack of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies. Decide to either kill or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives. Probably both.
Day 2, afternoon: See husband off to airport for business trip. Clean closets. Nothing new in mail. Did all laundry out of necessity - body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise. Put in extra dryer sheets
(Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.) Decide to take walk. Meet neighbour who asks if mail came yet. She is smoking a cigarette. I tell her no out of spite.
Day 3, morning: Go through dead man's mail bag; keep catalogues for joyous Christmas shopping. Feed rest down garbage disposal.
Day 3, Afternoon: Call garbage disposal repair.
Day 4: Receive visitor. Police looking for missing mail carrier - received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person. Make coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit. Arrange dried fruit to make smiley faces on plate. Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes. Burst in to tears. Confess.
Day 472: Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee. ( Federal crime.)
Day 478: Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no cigarettes to trade. Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.
Day 552: Receive divorce papers: husband marrying tobacco heiress. Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked. Wants twelve cartons of cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots. Decide husband will live as price too steep.
Day 558: Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment to cell-mate to have defence attorney whacked. Feel better.
Day 691: Served last meal - minister asks if anything wanted at last moments. Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be. Request one last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh. Feel slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric. Warden enters cell excitedly; Governor issues full pardon due to new Federal "It Takes a Village" crimes statute: allows for defence appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine withdrawal.
Day 1: Shit.

481-
A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?" 
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do ... uh ... they take the camel."
The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual urges any longer. He barked to his Sergeant, "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"
The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked. 
The Sergeant replied, "Well, no sir, usually they just use it to ride into town where the girls are."

482-
After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist. "He's never in the mood," complained the Bride. "Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist. The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained. "This time," the therapist recommended, "try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom." But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood. As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance." The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time." "Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist. "Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."

483-
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. 
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. 
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. 
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" 
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." 
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"

484-
BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING 
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic.
9. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers.
11 It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
12. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
13. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
14. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
15. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
16. Real men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
17. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
18. There is a common held belief that high speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front. This is true.
19. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because they have brakes.
20. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.
21. It's O.K. when driving in suburbs to air your grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one or two finger salute" while screaming out "fucking arsehole". But it is imperative you are driving a turbo charged V6 or a 5 litre V8, with a crow bar in your lap.

485-
Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers from Singapore. She refused with disdain.
He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.
He found Mabel, and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her. Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear.
Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."
"Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on them sneakers."

486-
A guy goes to his high school class reunion. Not having seen anyone in twenty five years he's very curious as to who might show up.
When he gets there, he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and catch up on old times.
"How have you been?" he asks.
"I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "I do have some good news and bad news for you, though."
"Really?" The guy is worried. "What kind of bad news could you have for me after all these years?"
"Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy."
"Oh my, that's too bad," the guy says, breathing a sigh of relief. "I'm sorry to hear that. What was the good news?"
"The good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost."

487-
The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Grey, a crusty old "Field Marine". He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank insignia on it. He would go through the chow line just like a private. (In this way, he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. And, woe be it to the Mess Officer if the food was found to be "unfit in quality or quantity".)
Upon becoming Commandant, General Grey was expected to do a great deal of "formal entertaining", fancy dinner parties in full Dress Blue uniform. Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating cold "C-rats" around a fighting hole with a bunch of young "hard charging" Marines. But, the General knew his duty, and as a Marine, he was determined to do it to the best of his ability.
During these formal parties a detachment of highly polished Marines from "Eighth and Eye" (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington, D.C.) were detailed to assume the position of "Parade Rest" at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities were being held.
At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, big chested, blue haired lady picked up a tray of pastry and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in Dress Blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Desert Storm.
She made a "beeline" for the closest Lance Corporal. As she drew near him she asked, "Would you like pastry young man?"
The young Marine snapped to "Attention" and replied, "I don't eat that shit Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of "Parade Rest". His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.
The fancy lady was taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?"
The Marine snapped back to the position of "Attention" (like the arm of a mouse trap smacking it's wooden base as it is tripped). Then he said, "I don't eat that shit Ma'am." And, just as smartly as before, back to the position of "Parade Rest" he went.
This time there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed, and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man, (well below her station in life). And he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed, "Well! I never...!"
The fancy lady remembered that she had met "that military man who was over all these 'soldiers'" a little earlier. She spotted General Grey from across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of liquor in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants.
The blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted, "General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there. And, do you know what he told me?"
General Grey cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said, "Well, no Ma'am. I don't."
The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was expressing with her body language her rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect, "He - said, I
- don't - eat - that - SHIT - Ma'am!"
The Lieutenants standing there were in a state of flux. A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. The next thought most of them had, "God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!", and the colour left their faces. General Grey wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the Lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and expelled a subdued, "Hummm."
"Which one did you say it was Ma'am?", the General asked. "That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the woman said with smug satisfaction. One of the Lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support.
General Grey, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up his expression changed to indicating he had made a decision. He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "Well, FUCK 'EM! Don't give him none."

488-
One night, the waitress in a bar was a bit unsettled that a strange looking man who sat quietly drinking at the bar always seemed to be looking at her intently. Finally, he got up enough nerve to speak to her.
"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I do hope you don't mind my looking at you."
She told him she would rather he didn't look so hard and that she didn't consider herself that special.
"Well, you see I am from a far away planet, sent here to observe some things here and I have to go back tonight. So you see, I really haven't seen anyone like you before. Please just let me look."
So she said ok, although she thought he was a little nuts. He did mind his manners, didn't get drunk, and just sat quietly looking.
When it was time to close the bar, he prepared to leave, then walked back to the waitress.
"I know this is strange, but would you please let me see your tits? I've never seen anything like this and it would mean so very much to me if I could go home and tell the guys all about you."
Since everyone but the owner had left and he was in the back room, she finally gave in and unbuttoned her blouse and pulled her tits out of her bra.
"Oh my goodness, that is wonderful! Thank you! Thank you! You don't know how much this means to me!" When she started to gather her clothes around her again, he asked shyly, "Please, please, let me just touch your tits. It would mean so much to me to be able to tell all the guys about how wonderful you are."
After a little consideration, she allowed him to touch. He was very gentle and she was beginning to get stirred up by this alien. Then he asked her if she would allow him to make love to her.
Since she was beginning to fancy that notion, she agreed right away. To her surprise, however, he placed his right forefinger in the middle of her forehead quite firmly. As he did so, she could see the passion on his face and he called out, "Aah, ahh, aaaahhhhh."
Then he took his finger from her forehead. Astonished, she asked him if he'd like to do it again.
Looking at his curled up forefinger, he replied, "Yes, but I'll have to wait a little while."

489-
FARTS EXPLAINED
ART FART
It's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.
ARROGANT FART
When you think your farts don't stink.
ASSAULT FART
A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.
TYRE FART
You can't control the blow out.
BEER FARTS
These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm beer.
JAIL FART
Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.
DONKEY FART
Your ass is the only one that can do it.
GHOST FART
You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.
HOME ALONE FART
When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.
SHOE FART
When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.
TANK FART
When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.
OLD FART
You know how old it is by how bad it smells.
BRAIN FART
You need to fart, but nothing comes out.
ALZHEIMER FART
A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.
NOT-ME FART
When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"
U.F.O. FART
When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odour".

490-
During the summers in the early 1940's, my uncle Harry, a young man working his way through college, was working as an ice man and drove an ice truck up and down the streets and alleys on the north side Chicago looking for the "ice cards" hung on the screen doors and windows of the residents who wished to purchase ice for their ice boxes. 
The cards usually had 3 settings; 25 lbs, 50 lbs and 100 lbs. It was a poor time, the country just coming out of the depression and facing the start of WW .
There were two spinster sisters that lived alone on the second floor of a frame wooden house on our block and they sometimes would display their ice card in the window for 25 lbs. 
My uncle, knew they could never scrape together the money to pay their bill but he always stopped and took all the broken ice pieces off his truck and carried it up to their place and packed it in their small wooden ice box. 
One day, towards the end of summer, after he had packed their box one of the sisters, the younger one, stepped out on the back porch and asked to speak to him. She seemed a bit shy and seemed flushed in embarrassment, 
"Young man my sister and I know you have helped us this summer with the ice, even when knowing we could not pay. We've read in books recently that sometimes women offer their bodies for sex in exchange for favours. Well since we have not been able to raise any money we decided to do that for you and since I am the youngest I am offering myself." 
Well my uncle always claimed that he tried to convince her that it wasn't necessary, but knowing him, that's highly doubtful, but he said after she insisted, he finally gave in and said, "Okay" and then they supposedly went at it with youthful fervour. 
Afterwards, he thanked the woman and dressed, took out his receipt book and wrote "PAID IN FULL" and handed it to the sister. 
The women looked at the bill for only a second and blurted out, 
"Now, look here, young man, we got that ice a little piece at a time and we damn well intend paying for it the same way!" 

491-
Paul was not the brightest guy around. Every day, when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.
Finally, Paul decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route, but also take some self-defence classes so this wouldn't happen again.
He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well with it.
So, one day, on the way home from work, Paul confidently decided to take his old route home and, sure enough, there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.
The next afternoon, Paul went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.
His instructor was shocked and asked for an explanation.
"Well," explained Paul, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat those guys up who used to steal my money."
His instructor said, "What happened?"
Paul replied, "They jumped me before I could get my socks and shoes off!"

492-
im and Edna were both long term patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly slipped and fell into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said: "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displayed sound-mindedness. 
"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so dreadfully sorry, but he's dead. "Edna replied: "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..." 

493-
Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar.
"Ah, Pierre," asks his mate: " 'ow 'av you been doing?" "Merde!" answers Pierre: "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible!
At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate. "I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said: "Jurmp!"
“And did you jurmp?" asks his mate."I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. It is beneass my dignity." "And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate. "Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said: "Jurmp!"." "And did you jurmp zen?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jurmp ten feet." "What 'appened zen?" asks his mate. "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e said: "If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm."."
"Ooooh!" says his mate: "and did you jurmp?" "A leetle, at ze beginning...!" 

494-
The San Diego Police Department were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his11th-story office. His voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him, a month ago. "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a $20 raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary." "At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost." "I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten. That's when he jumped out the window."

495-
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, One day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is ten years old. It is gleaming and in absolute mint condition. 
He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller: "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. 
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says: "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. 
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. 
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. 
Then he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. 
His girlfriend is a little flustered; her dad is obviously livid and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mum. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table and has his way with her every which way, right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. 
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts: "All right! That's enough! I'll do the fucking dishes!"

496-
An old couple went into McDonalds one day...
He ordered one hamburger, one order of french fries, and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered....
" T H E T E E T H "

497-
One day the travelling dildo salesman visited a new town and went about plying his wares to all the wives who were home.
He went to the first house and showed the first wife all of his wares. She thought for a little bit, trying to decide between the medium-sized pink one, and the large black one. Eventually, she bought the large black one.
He went to the second house, and showed his dildos to the second wife. She too, bought the large black dildo.
He went to the third and fourth houses, and all happened as before.
He went to the fifth house, and showed all of his wares to the fifth wife. She didn't think a moment before saying, "I'll take the huge silver one." The salesman looked slightly confused for a second, but went ahead and charged her double what he normally charged for the large black one.
When he got home that evening his wife asked him how his day had gone. He replied it had gone well. "How many dildos did you sell?" she asked.
"Well," he said, "I sold four of the large black ones..... .......and my thermos."

498-
Country bumpkins Dad and Dave went to the Royal Easter Show in Sydney and were very interested in the new tractors and power take-offs that were on display. One salesman demonstrated his machine and then offered them a deal.
'You can have this attachment for $10 000, and I'll take off 10 per cent for cash just for you.' They went away to discuss the deal.
'What the hell's he mean by take orf 10 per cent cash?' asked Dad. 'How much would he take orf?'
'Gees, I dunno, Dad,' replied Dave.
'Listen Dave, you're in pretty thick with that barmaid at the pub where we're stayin' and she looks like a pretty smart sort of girl. How about you ask her?'
So Dave approached the barmaid. 'Tell me, Dulcie, love, if 1 gave you $10,000 less 10 per cent, how much would you take orf?'
'Jesus, Dave!' she exclaimed, grinning wickedly at him. 'If you gave me $10,000 less 10 per cent, I'd take off everything bar me bloody garters and you could use them for stirrups to ride me!

499-
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. 
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" 
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?" 
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!" 
"He y, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" 
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

500-
Two cowboys had been riding in the desert for several hours and were about half an hour out from the nearest town when Jim says to Fred, "we gotta stop. I have to take a leak."
Both dismount their horses and Jim walks over near a cactus plant and starts peeing when all of a sudden a rattle snake jumps up from behind the cactus and bites Jim right on his dick. Jim falls on the ground and starts yelling in pain. Fred runs over to see what the hell Jim is yelling about. "Fred," Jim cries out, "quick ride into town and get the doc! I been snake bit on my dick!"
Fred jumps on his horse and rides like the wind into town right up to the doctors office, burst in and yells out, "quick doc, my friend has just been snake bit, what do I do?" "Well," the doc says slowly, "first apply a tourniquet just above the bite, then you have to make a small incision on each bit hole and suck the poison out. After that bring him right here."
Fred nods, runs out of the office, gets on his horse and rides like the wind back to where Jim is and sees Jim still on the ground holding his crotch and moaning in pain. Jim sees Fred riding up and says, "what did the doc say?" Fred looks at Jim and says, "the doc says you're gonna die."

501-
The following is supposed to be an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman. 
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

To whom it may concern:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. 
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. 
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, faceless pre-recorded entity which your bank has recently become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Such passwords will be communicated to your Authorized Contact at a later time and date as is comfortable for me.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 over again.
9. To speak live to my pet cat who is in charge of litter
To make a general complaint or inquiry, press buttons as indicated above. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client,

502-
An old farmer near Darwin had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large dam away from the house, picnic tables, a croquet court, and some mango and avocado trees. The dam was nice and deep and was ideal for swimming, though no one had disturbed its waters for quite a while. As Darwin had expanded the suburbs had got closer, but he wasn't interested in breaking up his farm. Recently a neighbouring farm had diversified and was employing backpackers to pick their fruit. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard some Nordic voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "Ve are not coming out until you have left us alone! 
The old man frowned and called back, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."
Moral: Experience and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time!!

503-
The following letter from the family's solicitor is addressed to a member of the British aristocracy who has been spending much of the summer in his residence in the south of France leaving his wife in the United Kingdom to look after the ancestral home.
Dear Sir Royston, I hope you are having a good time on your holiday. I say this with sincerity because I am afraid that I have some bad news for you, although there is good news too. First the bad news. I am sorry to tell you that your favourite dog, Honey, is dead. The vet says that she died instantly and could have felt no pain. She was kicked in the head by your horse, Sherbert, though I'm sure that no blame can be attached to Sherbert, frightened as he was by the fire in the barn.
I'm afraid that Sherbert was in the barn along with your other horses when it burnt to the ground. The fire brigade had been called within a short time of the barn catching fire and would normally have been able to put the fire out. Had it had not been for the fact that the tender crashed into your Bentley in the lane. Your wife had taken it out for a spin with your brother. As it was, both the tender and your Bentley were written off. No blame can be attached to your wife for the accident I'm sure.
The Bentley was stationary at the time and your wife was in the back seat of the car. She managed to escape death only due to the fact that your brother was lying on top of her at the time of the collision. The doctors say that given time she will regain her sight but that she will never walk again. She has also lost her memory and cannot even remember you. Your brother, unfortunately, was killed.
I should explain how the barn came to be on fire in the first place. You see a spark from the house blew over and set the roof alight. The fire started in the main hall of the house where, as you know, your Mattisse and your Picasso once hung. I say 'once' because they are not there now. Fortunately neither of these paintings were damaged in the conflagration as they were stolen beforehand by the burglar who started the fire.
Although all of this may seem to you very serious it is not in fact the bad news that I wrote of. Your wife and brother had been visiting your Insurance agent in prison where he is serving a three year sentence for fraud. I'm afraid that none of your insurance policies are valid.
As I said, there is some good news. The heat from the fire warmed your greenhouse and brought your flowers on.

504-
Subliminal Messages
I'd like to (sex) tell you about some weird psychological phenomenon (sleep with me) that has been in the media forefront (I'm your love slave) in the past few years. I'm talking about subliminal suggestion.
Subliminal suggestion (buy me a car) is a technique in which the subconscious is made aware of a concept by having it exposed (and a stereo) to them too fast or in a way the conscious mind can pick (you want me) up. Thus, the person so suggested (my room 8 tonight) finds himself doing something that he ordinarily wouldn't do (bring clean sheets). This technique was often seen being used (I'll get the champagne) in movie theatres, where one frame of a film would have a message like "Buy the popcorn." (and the condoms).
This one frame goes by so fast the conscious mind can't possibly assimilate it (I have incredible stamina), but many believe that the subconscious picks it up and causes the mind (I really want you) to act on it.
Does it really (all night is not out of the question) work? Who knows? (and we can bring the stuffed animals and the jello and the peanut butter and the nylon rope and watch "I Love Lucy" reruns and do things that they'll have to invent new names for when we're done and then we can sleep for 3 hours and do it all again). The jury is still out on that one.
Thanks for your time and patience.

505-
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her--how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair.
But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said,
"Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

506-
A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club. 
One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; "Do you have motorcycle?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times." 

507-
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the pavement, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding on the bus... so shut the fuck up."

508-
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

509-
Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbours, but didn't like each other much. In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka that can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare ass.
After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob, "What are you doing?"
Bob explained and she said, "Come on, you will only freeze your ass off."
Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.
Then his wife got an idea. "Lets change places when Joe is looking the other way." Bob's wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and traded places with Bob.
Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him, "What are you doing?"
Joe told her and said, "I am determined to win the bottle!"
"You are crazy. Come on in."
"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"

510-
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim...er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim...er I'd swim this river and knock your head off!!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and build a bridge. Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.
Finally... Mrs. Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!! Ever day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge...have at it."
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna cross that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up...
Turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door, bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove, panting and gasping, under the bed!!!
"Rufus!" cried to the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge... I stepped up on the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge... looked up..."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!

511-
As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you lay on my naked body. You sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.
Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail. My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you. As soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go. I will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear. I won't rest until l squeeze your blood out...
...you fucking little mosquito.

512-
A game warden finds a man at a popular trout fishing spot with two dozen trout swimming in a bucket. "That's way over the limit," he says. "You're under arrest."
"But officer, please," the man says, "these are my pet fish from home. I just bring them down here to let them swim free once a week. When I whistle, they all come b ack and get into the bucket to go home."
"I don't believe it," says the warden. "Show me."
The man promptly dumps the trout into the stream and gazes after them as they swim away.
After a minute, the warden says, "OK, how long?"
"How long what?" says the man.
"How long till you call the fish back?"
"What fish?"

513-
A guy is strolling down the street in London when he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The guy says, "I've always wanted to be lucky." The genie grants his wish. Off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start, he thinks. As he picks up the money, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in. Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table, and puts the whole 1,010 quid on "lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" It lands lucky seven. Now he's really flying ... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for some horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome, sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge." The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl. So he is ushered into one of the rooms. In strolls the most gorgeous subcontinental woman he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Kama Sutra (pp. 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested. At one point, the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead." The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark." So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden, he leans back and starts laughing his ass off. "What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl. The bloke replies, "You're not going to believe this, but I've just won a new car!"

514-
A very weird thing has happened. A strange old man has moved into my house. I have no idea who he is, where he came from or how he got in. I certainly did not invite him. All I know is that one day he wasn't there and the next day he was.
He is a clever old chap and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of him. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there he is, hogging the whole thing. This is very rude. I have tried shouting at him, but he just shouts back.
If he insists on hanging around, the least he could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Once in a while, I find £5 stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion but it's not nearly enough to even pay part of the rent.
I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think he is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw £100 and a few days later it's all gone. I certainly don't spend money that fast, so I can only conclude the old bloke is taking it.
You'd think he would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream, Lord knows he needs it. And money isn't the only thing I think he is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate. -- especially the good stuff like ice cream and chocolate. I can't seem to keep that stuff in the house anymore. He must have a real sweet tooth but he'd better watch it, because he is really packing on the pounds, I suspect he realises that and to make himself feel better, he is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight too.
For an old feller he's quite childish. He likes to play nasty games, like going into my wardrobe when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they won't fit. And he messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organised. He also fiddles with my VCR so it does not record what I have carefully programmed it to do.
He has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. He gets into my mail, newspapers and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it. And he has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone. Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers.
He has done other things - like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all the knobs and taps harder to turn. He even made my bed higher so that getting in and out is a real challenge. Lately he has been fooling with my groceries, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars. Is this any way to repay my hospitality?
He has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, he stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolises it. He looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus he keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.
Just when I thought he couldn't get any meaner, he proved me wrong. He came along when I went to get my passport picture taken and just as the camera shutter clicked, he jumped in front of me! Disaster! I have never seen such a terrible picture. How can I go abroad now? No customs official is ever going to believe that that wrinkled old man from my passport is me.
He's walking on very thin ice. If he keeps this up, I swear, I'll put him in a home. On second thought, perhaps I shouldn't be too hasty. First, I think I'll check with the Inland Revenue and see if I can claim him as a dependent!

515-
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ahh, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember ? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Amy, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Amy complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,
"Hey! I didn't know that Amy worked here!"

516-
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals" "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"? "A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well...", said the pirate, "..it were me first day with the hook."

517-
A young stud undergoing his first testosterone attack picks up a young lady and after a while drives to a secluded place a mile from the nearest phone. After some preliminaries he says "Put out or walk." The gal says "well, put that way, I'll walk." She gets out of the car and walks back to town.
The next evening the same young stud picks up the same pretty young gal and ends up with the same proposition only this time three miles from town. Same results. She says "I'll walk." And she does.
The following evening same scenario except the young man drives five miles from town and it is raining. She doesn't even hesitate. She removes her clothing, his clothing, and proceeds to give him the wildest night of sex he could wish for. Later he asks her why she refused him the last two nights when obviously she was not new to the sex game. She answered. "I kind of like you. I was willing to walk one mile. I was willing to walk three miles. But I'll be damned if I'll walk five miles in the rain to keep you from catching gonorrhoea."

518-
The Personal Ad:
SWM in dead-end job seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual psychological torture, tepid sex, and co-dependency.
I enjoy drinking, smoking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation.
I can't stand movies, and the last album I bought was The Marshall Tucker Band's Greatest Hits.
I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.
I'm 32 but look 40 and feel 60.
You are a whiny, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. In time you will become coolly hostile when I don't fulfil every unmet need you've ever had.
Bonus points if you just finished screwing every guy in town and but now want to take it slow with me.
My perfect night would include getting hammered in a shit- hole bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match.
I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills.
No friendships. I don't need any goddamn friends.
Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with women over 40.
Serious replies only, please.

519-
It was a bit of a slow day on Mount Olympus, Zeus and the God of Thunder, Thor, were shooting the breeze.
"The problem is, " said Thor, "I do feel a bit horny...."
"Well. Says Zeus, "you know what to do - but be a nice boy, as is your role here on Olympus, OK?"
So Thor pops down to the Earth sphere, grabs a lady of the night and does - in a godly fashion - what is required.
Next day, he bounds up to Zeus. "Hey - would you believe it - THIRTY----NINE ---- times !! - feels great !
"That's too much for the human beings, "says Zeus "go back and apologise, right now!"
So Thor pops back, and finds his companion of the night before.
"Hey, I'm sorry" he says "you see I'm Thor..."
"You're Thor! " shouts the woman "I can't even pith!!!"

520-
SEVEN REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK...
1. CURL UP AND DIE........I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" 
2. PAD PLEASE.......... An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. 
3. HO, HO, HO............. I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! 
4. LADY GOLFER................ I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store! . He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." 
5. NUTS ABOUT YOU............My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. 
6. PRICELESS.............A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
7. MUM'S ADVICE......... A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the nurse's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mum. " she screamed. "I did," he said "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon she would come and get me."

521-
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died. "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si, Senor, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he die from?" "From eating rotten meat, Senor" Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor" "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Senor." WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!" "Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SCROLL DOWN

SILENCE...................

"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

522-
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. 
The boy continues. "Johnny!" mum screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.
Mum comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. 
Diarrhoea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. 
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! 
The balloon explodes and Diarrhoea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

523-
The Washington Post had a contest wherein participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up, and honourable mentions are listed below. 
Second Runner-Up: 
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. 
First Runner-Up: 
In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. 
And the winner: 
In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. 
Honourable Mentions: 
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes. 
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. 
In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked- off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar. 
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. 
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. 
Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of grey- haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of grey- haired, liberal 60-year-old guys. 
Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight. 

524-
On my recent trip to a Butlins holiday camp I was surprised to see a Fire notice in the chalet which read. "In case of Fire leave your chalet and arouse the person next door". Now I agree to this arousal thing in theory but I'd like to make one or two comments.
It's OK if the person next door is female and good looking I'd really enjoy trying to arouse her, what if the person next door was a bloke. I'm a straight guy and no way would you catch me trying to arouse a bloke.
What if you don't fancy the girl or woman next door you wouldn't put your full dexterity into arousing them would you.
What if there's more than one of them, I'm not nineteen anymore and the thought of me trying to arouse more than one woman at a time is a bit beyond my libido these days.
What if she didn't fancy a fat married bloke like me she could get a bit upset as I rummaged through her nightclothes seeking out her erogenous zones couldn't she.
What if she was already with some guy he might not like the idea of you bursting in and trying to arouse his bit of pussy, he may even take offence and knock shit out of you.
What if she was unclean or a bit smelly I wouldn't fancy doing a 69 with that sort would you.
What if she is nice and you get her aroused by playing with her little man in his boat what are you supposed to do then, I'll tell you the fire notice goes on to say.
Having aroused the person next door leave the room and assemble by the outdoor pool.
Now this is the part Butlins have got wrong if they think I'm going to spend my time arousing a woman just to assemble by the pool with the other guests I presume in order to go synchronized swimming they can think again.
Butlin's must realize that in my efforts to arouse the woman I would become quite aroused myself and to plunge that arousal in to cold water would be a criminal waste at my time of life.
So, I've come up with a better idea, let's all assemble by the bouncy castle instead and carry on where we left off, even I could do pretty good on a bouncy castle I bet. Have a nice Holiday
Did you smell something burning?

525-
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighbourhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi, How was a da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everything was-a perfect except for da train a ride down."
What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautiful Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with Vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking a "forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket.
The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, "no eat in dese'a car. Must'a use a dining car."
So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga lunch and begin to open da bottle of Vino!
Conductor walk by me again, wag his a finger and say, "No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car, so we go to club'a car.
While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger agin and say, "No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to da smoker car." so we go to da smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.
Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to da sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he walk'a through da car corridor shouting at top of his voice,
"NO'FOLK'A,VIRGINIA! NO'FOLK'A VIRGINIA!"

526-
T H E S T O R Y O F C I N D E R E L L A
This is the story of Cinderella and her Sugly Isters. Cinders and her Sugly Isters lived in Marge Lansion. Cinders worked very hard. Frubbing Scloors, Weaning Clindows, Emptying Poss Pits and Shiveeling Shut! By the end of the day she was Nuckin' Fackered. Her Sugly Isters were fight Cucking Runts! They did no Wucking Ferk, and had no Wucking Furries. They were right Bugly Astards.
One was called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swollocks. They were always Pucking Fissed. The two Sugly Isters had tickets to go to the Ball. Cinderella was Ducking Fisgusted when the Cotton Runts would not let her go.
Buttons worked with Cinders. He was gifted with Nuge Hackers and a Shairy Hithole. He was also a Candy Runt , and liked Cinders to give him a Wood Gank! He was always diving into Cinders' Hubic Pairs.
Suddenly there was a Bucking Fang, and the Gairy Fodmother appeared! Her real name was Sheery Tighthouse.
She was a Light Rucking Fesbian with a Carge Lairy Hunt and Tairy Hits. She turned a Pumpkin and six Might Wice into a Hucking Cuge Farriage, and six Dandy Ronkeys with Buge Hollocks. Cinders was amazed. "Miste all Crucking Fighty!" she said. The Gairy Fodmother said Cinders must be back by 12 O'clock or there would be a Cucking Falamity !
At the Ball, Cinders was dancing with the Pransome Hince. The music was being played by a band called Sid Smeg and the Siffling Seven. They were Gucking Food, but Foo Nucking Toisy. It was that Drucking Fummer - what a Rucking Facket ! The Cabaret was Hucking Fopeless ! When he blew his Trucking Frumpet he was Bucking Frilliant. But he was a Hig Beaded Banky Wastard and we wish he would stick his Trumpet right up his Ucking Farsehole.
Suddenly the clock struck Twelve. Cinders Pucking Fanicked and ran out of the Ballroom, Tripping Barse over Ollocks, and dropping her Slass Glipper.
The next day the Pransome Hince came knocking on Cinders' door. The Sugly Isters let him in, and Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and Let off a Fig Bart! "Who's Fust Jarted ?" said the Pransome Hince. "Blame that Forrible Hucker over there", said Buttons. The Shell of Smit was Tucking Ferrible. When the stinking brown cloud lifted, the Pransome Hince tried The Slass Glipper on the Sugly Isters without success ! They had horrible Fetty Sweet and Fetty Swannys.
Suddenly Mary Hinge, in her Tucking Femper gave the Prince a Nick in the Kackers! This was not difficult as he had Bucking Fuge Halls and a Hig Bard- on He tried Cinders, and the Flipper Sitted Pucking Ferfectly. "Puck my siles", said the Prince. "Suck your own", said Buttons. Soon Pinders and the Crince were married. He ended his days in Lucking Fuxury. She ended hers with a Follen Swanny. And they all lived Happily Ever After.

527-
An anonymous girl, let's call her Jen, is a junior in college attending school in Colorado. Like all college students, she is wrapped up in the partying and the wildness college life has to offer. Jen, being the computer science major that she is, does, however, have a lot of work to do on her computer so when she's not out having a good time, she's working her butt off designing computer programs and installing software. One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a Friday night for the first time in the three years they had been dating. She was sad, alone, and depressed, so she decided to make a new homepage. She was playing on the net when she decided to get onto a chat line. Being the wild psycho she is, she decided to get onto a sex line. So, then Jen got onto a sex chat line and started playing around on it. Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as Jeremy. She started playing with him, gave a false name, saying her name was "Katie," and started getting into detail about what she would like to do to him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture being naked while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. Soon they were having cybersex. This went on for awhile, and then she got off the line agreeing to meet him back on the line the following night. Saturday night rolls around, and Jen is on the line with Jeremy again, they become even closer this night, so they continue like this for a week. At the end of the week, they started talking about other things, and got into very intimate issues and feelings. They became close, exchanging their lives, Jen didn't tell Jeremy she was in college, because she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. She felt guilty, but after a few weeks, she really liked this guy. This went on the two of them like this for months, and months turned into a year. By the end of the year they had exchanged the most intimate thoughts, and yet had never even spoken on the phone. They were afraid of ruining the mystery. They had done everything sexually possible over the net, they were affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could some day be together. They finally decided they had had enough. They wanted to meet each other, they were in love and they had to meet. They didn't care about age or looks or anything but each other. Jeremy told Jen he thought she could be his next wife. Jen was wary at first but decided she didn't care how old he was or how ugly, she loved him, he was the only one she could feel comfortable with. so...they planned a trip to meet in Vale, Colorado.
They were going to spend the weekend together and finally meet. Jen didn't want the hassle of having to find him, so she said, "Why don't you just get the room and we'll meet in the room. That way there will be no mistake." Jeremy agreed. Jen showed up at the resort first, and checked into the room telling the desk lady to hold the key for the next party. So she went into the room. She wanted things to be special so she lit some candles, and put on some music. She stripped naked and climbed into the bed under the covers, deciding to surprise Jeremy when he got there. The time soon came the lights were out, the mood was right, and she heard a key in the door, she heard someone walk in and around the corner, and she whispered, "Jeremy", Jeremy said, "Katie?" (this was the false name she had given him.) "Yes," she said, so he fumbled for the light, and turned it on to see Jen on the bed naked before him. Then next thing heard around the world were two blood curling screams. Jen covered herself up, and with her most humiliated voice said, "Dad?" and Jeremy said, "JEN!!!"
Think of what you would do in this situation.. and, now realize this really did happen. Their lives will never be the same.

528-
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. 
Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.
Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?" "Well Dave... I gotta tell ya. .. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer. 
Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?" 
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. 
Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! .....
.... Dave, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

529-
Personals 
Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets, meet in rat-infested motels, and speak Russian. Must be able to keep a secret.
Mormon male looking for one or more females for a long-term relationship. Must have childbearing hips and be willing to give birth to at least four children. Catholics need not apply.
Single, unemployed female with several children out of wedlock is looking for a sugar daddy to support my children and me. Skills include nose-wiping and diaper-changing. Ear plugs included. No experience necessary.
Petite mountaineeress seeks tall female for climbing. If you're under 6 feet tall, averse to ropes, or wary of long expeditions, don't apply.
Single, white, affluent male starting a savage cult; orders submissive, obedient followers to worship and praise my every move. No shirt, no shoes, no service.
Ready? OK! Collegiate cheerleader looking for quarterback to bring his helmet, pads, and offensive line to bed. First and ten! Do it again!

530-
I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening at Flethcer Parkway Mall El Cajon Calif. Two good looking approximately 18 -21 year old women came to my car as I was parking. One starts wiping my windshield with a rag and Windex, the other came to my window saying 'hi' while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse, it was an awesome sight and impossible not to look. When I thanked them and offered them a tip, they said No and begged me for a ride to the airport.
I agreed and told them to sit in the back. On the way they started having sex in the back seat. Then one of them came and performed oral sex on me, while the other one stole my wallet.
I was robbed Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I couldn't find them Thursday or Friday. Be careful.

531-
Major Technological Breakthrough
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named: BOOK
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKs with more information simply use more pages.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.
Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or stepped on without damage. However, it can become unusable if immersed in water for a significant period of time. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

532-
In Thailand, when a male reaches the age of 18 they are invited to participate in a ceremony of passage to adulthood, which is celebrated in the centre of the village, surrounding the central fire and attended by all the natives in residence, and accompanied by considerable consumption of food and drink amid singing, dancing and all manner of joyous festivities.
- At the appointed time the native boys that are reaching maturity are formed into a large circle around the fire and stand there motionless and stark naked facing inward towards the fire. 
- Then, accompanied by a haunting musical rendition of native music, the most beautiful girl in the village is honoured to perform a sexy dance, naked, around the inner centre circle. 
- Behind each boy is a naked native girl that he cannot see.. As soon as all the males are excited and have erections, the girls behind them reach between their legs, and pull their erect unit downward and back through and then on a signal all release them. 
- Their units spring back up and go loudly "WHAP" against their bellies. This is considered a measurement of their strength and of youthful masculinity. 
- And that's why the capital of Thailand is called Bangkok.

533-
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then??
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm ...or could he?
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "in 1959. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled s-o-b asked, "what did you teach?"

534-
The Minister of Public Works wanted to remodel her office, so she invited different contractors for tenders. One was from Johannesburg, one from Durban and the last one from Soweto. "OK gentlemen, I want a nice job ," She said: "Let's hear from Joberg?"
The guy took out his ultrasonic measuring device and tablet computer and began measuring, scrawling on the computer, calculating. Eventually he said: "R90 000, Madam Minister!" "That seems like quite a lot of money! Why R90 000?" "You see," he replied: "that's R40 000 for materials, R40 000 for labour and R10 000 for my profit".
Stella seemed OK with that and turned to the Durban contractor: "So how much do want to do the job?" she asked.
The Durban feller took out a rusted tape measure, broken clipboard and a blunt pencil. He took some measurements, scratched some calculations on the back of his Rothmans packet and came up with a figure of R70 000. "That's interesting!" said Stella: "Explain the R70 000?" "Simple, Madam Minister, I got a brother-in-law in the hardware trade, so that's R35 000 for materials, R30,000 for my guys, and R5,000 for my profit and all."
Stella was amused but happy to accept the explanation. Then she asked the Soweto contractor for his quotation. He just smiled, looked the minister in the eyes and said: "R270 000!" "Yoh Yoh Yoh!.... how did you come to that amount without even taking your measurements? What is that amount for?" "That's R100 000 for me & R100 000 for you!" "So what about the remaining R70 000?" "We hire that guy from Durban to do the job!!!" 

535-
When Liam decided it was time for his friend Brendan to part with his virginity, he accompanied him to the local whorehouse and explained Brendan's condition to the madam. "Don't worry, my boy, we'll get a nice lass to take care of ye," she promised. "Ye just do your part and make sure ye wear one of these." And the madam took a condom out of her drawer and rolled it down over her thumb by way of instruction. Brendan parted eagerly with his money and bounded up the stairs to Room 12, where a cheerful farm girl soon showed him the ropes. After he'd come, a frown passed over her face. "The rubber must have torn," she muttered. "I'm wet as the sea inside." 
"Oh no it didn't, Miss," Brendan cheerfully reassured her, holding up his thumb as evidence. "It's good as new."

536-
I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. 
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. 
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. 
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks. 

537-
A truck driver is on his way from Tel Aviv to Eilat through the Negev desert when he hears on the radio that: ”Aliens from the outer space have landed on earth, they are NOT dangerous, they understand any spoken language if it is spoken slowly and clearly. They have large bulging eyes; they are short and their hands are touching the ground”
The driver carries on driving when suddenly he sees behind some bushes on the side of the road something that looks exactly like the radio had described!
He stopped, climbed down from his truck and begins to talk slowly: “S-h-a-l-o-m, m-y n-a-m-e is Itz-ik a-n-d I am a t-r-u-c-k d-r-i-v-e-r”
The creature looks at him and says: “S-h-a-l-o-m, m-y n-a-m-e is Haim a-n-d I am an a-m-b-u-l-a-n-c-e d-r-i-v-e-r, a-n-d if y-o-u d-o-n’t f-u-c-k off a-n-d l-e-t me s-h-i-t in p-e-a-c-e I s-w-e-a-r I’ll k-i-l-l y-o-u” 

538-
A soldier stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ben, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair on either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky.
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ben included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope............along with this note.
Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the fuck you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take care, Ben.

539-
During WWII, the Long Range Desert Patrol group were on patrol several miles from their base in the Tunisian desert, when their jeep broke down. Faced with a long hot hike back to base they managed to capture a camel. All six members mounted the poor unfortunate animal and begin their return journey back to base. After only a few miles the animal collapses onto all four knees. Sorry chaps, the camel's fucked says the lieutenant seated astride the animals neck. Then from the rear came the cry Sorry sir, it was the only way I could stay on!!

540-
Letters to the editor. A gathering of letters sent to newspapers and magazines.
Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt 
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their fucking minds up. John 
'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colin Hill 
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London 
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway 
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds 
On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied 'c*nt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment while holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds 
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? Alun Daniel
I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. Alan Thakray 
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original? Bill (via e mail)
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road. Alan J., London 
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. T Barnham, London 
Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on twats like muslim cleric Abu Hamsa. Les, Barnsley
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twat quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, e-mail 
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond 
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh 
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs. Stan B. Dulwich 
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Thomas J 
'It costs a lot of money to buy a customised number plate to match your name. Save yourself the money and why not do what I did and change your name instead. Mr MKG 224 R from Hereford
'ONE pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The robbing bastards Tracey Cusick, Cumbria 

541-
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack."Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. 
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says: "Sure. I have this..." and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. 
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000 and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant: "I mean, what in the world is this?" 
The bank manager looks back at her and says: ... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

542-
CAMPING TIPS
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favourite stump apart and eating all the ants.
Old socks can be made into high fibre beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
When smoking a fish, never inhale.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

543-
A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert, never having seen a woman. They finally decided to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it.
After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades.
The private began, "And on the third day..."
"No! no! start with the first day," everyone yells out in chorus.
"And on the third day, " the private continues, "she asked me to stop so that she could go to the bathroom."

544-
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. 
So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. This goes on for the next few nights. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

545-
Just How Dumb Are You?
1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer is bread. If you said 'toast', then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said: 'bread', go to question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk'. What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over-stressed and may even overheat. If you said: 'water' then proceed to question three.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks', what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said 'glass', then go on to question four.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, two of the engines fail. The pilot, realising that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately this engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in 'no man's land'? Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said: "Survivors don't get buried" then proceed to the next question.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour? Answer: One degree. If you said: '360 degrees' or anything other than 'one degree', you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
6. Without using a calculator - you are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, read the first line! 

546-
Long ago, somewhere east of Hughsonville, there was a small town with a big problem. Almost all of the inhabitants were men.
In fact, there was only one "eligible" woman in the entire town. And so it happened that all of the men lined up to arrange dates with Elizabeth.
After the first few men went out with her, it became no secret that Beth was less than desirable. She ate with her mouth open, always ordered the most expensive meal, made crude jokes about her companion, and rarely bathed.
A man who had spent an evening with Beth had a distinctive look to him.
He would have an ashen complexion, sunken eyes that stared straight ahead, uncomprehending, and he would have a tendency to shudder from time to time.
It became commonplace for the townsfolk, upon encountering such a person, to remark "You look like you've just had a date with Beth!"
And then one day everything changed; Norma moved into town. T he menfolk all fell to their knees, offering praise to the deity of their choice, and flocked to Norma's door to seek an evening with her.
Chester, the town's most eligible bachelor, was the first to be granted an evening with Norma.
The evening was a disaster. Norma, like Beth, ate with her mouth open, but had far fewer teeth. That was, perhaps, one of her more graceful attributes. She didn't use a knife or fork. In fact, she didn't even use her hands. She ate with her feet. And she liked to toss her food about the room, all the while spouting vulgarities that would make a sailor blush.
And the rude noises... well, suffice it to say that a description would violate the norms of acceptable discourse.
Chester barely got through the meal, and gratefully deposited Norma at her home.
As he made his way back to town, he encountered many of his friends, all of whom were curious about his evening. As he got closer, however, they all saw the unmistakable signs - the ashen pallor, the halting gait.
One of them approached Chester, put a hand on his shoulder, and said "Jeez, Chester, you look like you've had a date with..."
"No, my friend," Chester interrupted, "this was a date worse than Beth."

547-
Diary of a Quitting Smoker 
Day 1: Shit. 
Day 1 again only the next day: Have tried to kill husband twice. Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done. Same for bathroom. Am suddenly thinking this has upside. Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remind me of cigarettes. 
Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully. Eat leftover beans from last night - that'll show him. Walk by computer and wave occasionally. Can't sit and write or surf as this has been main smoking area. It's about four-o' clock now; I could have just one, I could have just one, I could have just one. That's Mr. Nicotine. He lives with me; 'he' could be a chick, but frankly, right now, I don't frigging care. Decide to play fantasy game on Playstation. Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero can save world. World doomed in my opinion. 
Day 2, morning: Woke up two hours earlier than usual. Great; two extra hours of fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn. 
Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall. 
Woke up six times during night to pee because I drank four gallons of water "to assist my system flush poison." Am feeling unusually testy as result of lack of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies. Decide to either kill or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives. Probably both. 
Day 2, afternoon: See husband off to airport for business trip. Clean closets. 
Nothing new in mail. Did all laundry out of necessity - body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise. Put in extra dryer sheets (Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.) Decide to take walk. Meet neighbour who asks if mail came yet. She is smoking a cigarette. I tell her no out of spite. 
Day 3, morning: Go through dead man's mail bag; keep catalogues for joyous Christmas shopping. Feed rest down garbage disposal. 
Day 3, Afternoon: Call garbage disposal repair. 
Day 4: Receive visitor. Police looking for missing mail carrier - received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person. Make coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit. Arrange dried fruit to make smiley faces on plate. Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes. Burst in to tears. Confess. 
Day 472: Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee. (Federal crime.) 
Day 478: Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no cigarettes to trade. Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs. 
Day 552: Receive divorce papers: husband marrying tobacco heiress. Cell-mate offers to have ex-husband whacked. Wants twelve cartons of cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots. Decide husband will live as price too steep. 
Day 558: Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment to cell-mate to have defence attorney whacked. Feel better. 
Day 691: Served last meal - minister asks if anything wanted at last moments. 
Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be. Request one last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh. Feel slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric. Warden enters cell excitedly; Governor issues full pardon due to new Federal "It Takes a Village" crimes statute: allows for defence appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine withdrawal.

548-
A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a casino when he met up with a striking but quite small and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed. She told him she was a jockey and that, if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In race 2, she rode out rubbing both her breasts. The bloke looked through the race book and found "Two Abreast" on which he placed $100 at 5 to 1. It won by 2 lengths. "Shit, this is great he thought. In race 4, she rode out rubbing her fingers around her eyes. He put the lot on "Eyeliner" at 10 to 1 and was 5 grand in front.
In the last race she came out standing in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch. He backed nothing. After the races he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 & 4. "What about "Itchy Mickey" in the last at 66-1?" she asked. "Shit, he said, "I thought you were telling me the cunt was scratched".

549-
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apart ment when Paddy Murphy loses 500 Euro on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.Show ing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. 
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Ok, me lads," someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" 
They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever run into. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me." 
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost 500 Euro and is afraid to come home" 
"Tell him to drop dead!" thunders Murphy's wife. 
"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.

550-
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. 
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." 
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" 
The woman takes a bottle of wine from her car and puts the cap back on. She continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." 
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. She shook her head and hands it back to the man. 
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" 
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..

551-
Bennie wakes up one morning with a smile on his face – because today he is 90 years old. He gets out of bed, looks down at his toes and says, "Hello toes, how are you today? Did you know that you’re now 90? Oh, the times we used to have together. Do you remember when we used to take a walk in the park every Sunday afternoon? Or the weekends we rock-and-rolled on the dance floor with all the young ladies? So, happy birthday toes." 
Bennie then looks down at his knees and says, "Hello knees, how are you today? Did you know that you’re now 90? Oh, the times we used to have together. Do you remember when we always used to march in all the parades we could find? Or all the Israeli dancing we used to do with all the beautiful ladies in Roberto’s class? So, happy birthday knees." 
Benny then looks down at his crotch and says, "Hello Willie, you little traitor. If you were alive today, you'd be 90 years old." 

552-
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband is home early!' He said: 'I can't jump out the window ~ it's raining out there!' She said: 'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both! He's got a hot temper and a gun, so rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 3000 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. 'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked. 'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air: 'It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?' 'Oh, yes,' he answered breathlessly: 'that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run, get into my car and go straight home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried: . . .'Do you always wear a condom when you run?' 'Nope, only when it's raining!' 

553-
Recipe for Banana Nut Bread
Ingredients:
-Two firm milk jugs with spigots
-Crisco, butter, Vaseline, KY gel (take your choice) -Appropriate sized oven well used (if new oven, double amount of previous ingredient) .
-One banana as large as possible (Preferably that just fills oven for there is no Lorena Bobbitt in this recipe) so there will be NO downsizing of the banana! ..
Begin by kneading milk jugs very lightly. Add flour, whip cream, chocolate to taste and be sure to taste!! Continue to massage and taste until spigots harden. The oven should turn on at this time and begin to warm up. Because of the nature of this type oven, various noises may be experienced when kneading milk jugs as oven warms up and expands. ..
Test oven for correct temperature by inserting finger. If the oven is not wet, warm and ready, turn small knob located in the middle on the top directly above the opening to the oven.
Location of this knob may be difficult so keep trying. This knob is sometimes called a Calibrated Teaser
(abbreviated CLIT for short) and if problems arise getting the oven to warm up, you might have to use an Optional Regulated Air Licker (abbreviated ORAL) organ device to speed this process up.
For best results, use the ORAL organ device anyway! ..
By now the banana should be ready to cook also. To insure proper insertion of the banana into the oven, use Crisco, butter, Vaseline or KY Gel to completely coat banana. Banana should be put into the oven at this time.
The oven may again exert noises depending on the size of the banana. Strangely enough, these noises sometimes resemble the words, "OH MY GOD!!!!"
Difficult to believe, I know, but it's true... The banana should be checked on often to insure proper cooking by pulling it part of the way out of the oven and then putting it back in.
Rotating the banana as much as possible and fast frequent checks seem to speed the cooking time. You will know the banana is done when it has become soft and can no longer fill the oven.
Shrinkage at this point is an unavoidable side affect of the cooking process. ..
The banana nut bread is now done and should be removed from the oven. Remove the banana and enjoy. The process can be repeated from the beginning and remarkably without replacing the milk jugs and with the same banana!
Note: If oven begins to swell after removing banana nut bread get the hell out of town.

554-
A little boy is walking to school one day and hears some kids talking about the yellow flower. He decides he wants to find out what it is. He gets to school and says to his teacher, "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. What is it?" His teacher says, "I will not tolerate that kind of talk in my classroom! Go to the principal's office!" The little boy goes up to the principal's office, and the principal asks him, "What are you doing up here, son?" The little boy replies, "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was and she sent me up here. What is it?" The principal says, "I will not have that kind of talk in my school! You are expelled from this school and every other school in the state! Get out!" So the little boy goes home. His mother asks, "What are you doing home so early?" "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, and the principal expelled me from every school in the state. What is the yellow flower?" His mother says, "Go up to your room! You're going to bed without dinner. I'll send your father up to talk to you when he gets home." So the little boy goes up to his room, soon after, his dad gets home from work. He goes up to the boy's room and says, "Your mom tells me you've been a bad boy. What did you do?" "Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, the principal expelled me from every school in the state, and mom sent me to bed without dinner. What's the yellow flower?" His dad says, "Get out of my house son! I don't ever want to see you again!" The little boy is walking down the street, and a few hours later a policeman stops him. He asks him why he is walking by himself so late at night. The little boy says, "Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, the principal expelled me from every school in the state, mom sent me to bed without dinner, and dad kicked me out of the house. Can you tell me what the yellow flower is?" The policeman says, "That's enough of that! You're going to jail for 99 years!" 99 years later, he comes back an old man, and decides he wants to try to find out what the yellow flower is. So he heads to his old school where it all started. As he is crossing the street, he gets hit by a car and dies. What's the moral of the story? 
Look both ways before crossing the street....

555-
A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been? What are you doing?" "Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra." "Spectacular!" the man replies. "It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold, and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo. "We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo. "Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he says 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't fit, AND ME WITH THE GODDAMN PICCOLO!"

556-
The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this HOT dancer from the nearby town.
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.
For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.
The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quieten down for the grand finale.
For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.
The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?" She replied with a wicked smile,
"Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand ?"

557-
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying: "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader..." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said: "I'd calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently: "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying: "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpled mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien: "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied: "There's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels and that is when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

558-
Brokeback Train Robbery 
Out in the Wild West, Jesse James's gang forces a train to stop, and Jesse climbs on board. He bursts into a passenger car, pulls out his guns, and fires.
Blam! Blam!
"All right!" he yells. "I'm going to screw all the men and kill all the woman!"
Blam! Blam!
"That's right!" he growls. "I'm going to screw all the men and kill all the women!"
A guy in the front row says, "Uh, Mr. James, I think you've got it backwards."
Suddenly a high pitched man's voice in the back calls out, "Excuse me, but Mr. James is robbing the train!"

559-
The Horse Race
In lane 1. Passionate Lady 
In lane 2. Bare Belly 
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience 
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts 
In lane 6. Clean Sheets 
In lane 7. Thighs 
In lane 8. Big Dick 
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom 
In lane 10.Merry Cherry
AAAAAND THEY'RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate........
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.....
Heavy Bosom is being pressured..........
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot..........
AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in.....
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.......
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly..........
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick........
AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain........
Big Dick is making a final drive...........
Big Dick moves inside and Passionate Lady is coming..............
AT THE FINISH:
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got.......
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.......
It looks like a dead heat but........
Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head.......
Bare Belly shows.......
Thighs weaken.......
Heavy Bosom pulls up......
and Clean Sheets never had a chance!

560-
There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar. The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo.
After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, "Well, I have a tattoo, too!"
The men all look surprised.
The woman continues, "I have a tattoo of a cute little grey mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?"
The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman.
Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile.
One of the men asks, "What's wrong, sweet lady?"
The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, "Oh, nothing, I can't show you my little mouse tattoo after all. My pussy must have eaten it."

561-
A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people.
Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression.
On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA."
The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA"....
Unable to stop this aberrant behaviour, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid.
After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out.
Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing.
Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist.
Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.
Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem"
"What is it?" the man asked.
"Why you have an abscess," said the dentist.
"An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man.
"That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda."

562-
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."

563-
Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of bad luck. He lost all his money and was now waiting for his bank to wire him some more. He was on his way up to his hotel room when he meets a beautiful hooker in the elevator. He is smitten with her and tells her that he wants to make love to her right now. The hooker says, "Honey, if you got the cash, we can make your wish come true." Tom realizes he doesn't have any money on him yet and tells the hooker that he will have the money in about an hour or so. The hooker says, "No money, no lovin'" Tom pleads with her but the hooker does not give in. She tells him that when he gets the money she will be more than happy to oblige him, but she actually does find Tom attractive so she reaches over to his pants, unzips his fly, takes his penis in her hand and then proceeds to write on it the following - Gloria 357-6262, when you have $$$. Tom returns to his room and a couple of hours later, the money from his bank finally arrives. He immediately rushes to the phone to call his "dream woman". He unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis, but alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number he starts rubbing his penis frantically. At that very moment, the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked at this sight. Tom says to the maid, "Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a phone call."

564-
Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for two weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend, they decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started, they began to realize why the idea had never been tried; they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out. One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. 
The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance. The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away, and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready, the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. 
Baannngg!!! 
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees, and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. 
When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away, they noticed that he was in fits of laughter. 
"What the fuck is so funny?" asked one of the scientist. 
"You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!" 

565-
"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the cat flap," Gunther Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany. "I suppose that the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realized that."
Burpus, a forty-one year old gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys. "I got my head and shoulders through the flap, but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled.
After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously' and left me there."
"People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said 'very good! Very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. They came and cut me out, but arrested me as soon as I was freed. Luckily they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM3,000 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted."

566-
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...

567-
Three hookers were comparing notes about their customers from the night before. "I entertained a cowboy last night", said the first. "How did you know he was a cowboy?" asked the second. "Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together." "Sounds like a cowboy, all right," the others agree. "I entertained a lawyer," announced the second. "I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time." They all agreed he sounded like a lawyer. "I had a grain farmer for a client," commented the third.
"How could you possibly know he was a grain farmer?" one asked. "First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

568-
Top 15 rejected mothers day cards 
15. I love you when you're happy. I love you when you're sad. I love you though you told me, The milkman is my dad.
14. Roses are red, my childhood was blue. Get out of my basement -- Your rent is past due.
13. The cards in the store Were just too full of sex, But I thought, "What the hell." Love, Oedipus Rex
12. There once was a woman named Mother, Who always did favour my brother. But now that he's dead, Mother senses with dread That *her* nursing home's worse than the others.
11. You stood up to my father's kin, their many threats of extortion. Thanks for having me, Mother Dear, instead of an abortion.
10. Dear Mum, in your Mother's Day card, Is a question that you may find hard: If Dad went astray, If he left, as you say, Who's that buried in the back yard?
9. Mum you're so great, Mum you're so cool. Please don't send me, to an Arkansas school.
8. I know my Mum's a test tube. I'm a sheep, not an ignorant rube. No real Mum could be better, She'd just wind up a sweater, Adorning some debutante's boobs.
7. When I was born, you became a mum, and gave me lots of joy and lovin'. But now, I need to come back home -- I've got my *own* bun in the oven.
6. For my (almost) Fifth Stepmother: Congrats to you, my almost-Mum, You've nearly won the war... Unlike all the other tramps Dad picks up in the bar!
5. I'm going to Denmark, Mother, Dear, For some changes of which you'll learn. You always wanted a little girl -- Well, you'll have one when I return.
4. Your girlish figure disappears, With each bite that you chew. You now look worse in lingerie, Than dear old Uncle Lou.
3. You've lovingly looked after me Since I was just a baby, So now I don't resent the fact That both my mums are ladies.
2. I think of you, dear Mother, as I'm in my cell, alone, And miss the way you always made our crack house a crack home.
1. You probably won't even listen, You may still think, "How *could* he?" But no card's as heartfelt as this 'un. Best wishes, Soon-Yi and Woody

569-
"OLD" IS WHEN .. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!" 
"OLD " IS WHEN .. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 
"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. 
"OLD" IS WHEN .. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 
"OLD" IS WHEN .. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 
"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. 
"OLD" IS WHEN ..."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fibre today 
"OLD" IS WHEN .. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. 
"OLD" IS WHEN .. An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom. 
AND 
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes 

570-
Two decades ago, Paul Simon announced their existence to the world Forty five ways to leave your lover. But Paul, either out of possessiveness or sheer ignorance, did not list them all; he merely repeated the same five ways over and over in his song. 
And one was, "you don't need to be coy, Roy," which isn't even a way so much as a really bad rhyme. 
Until now, we've had to take the other forty ways on faith.
The wait is over. After much investigation, here are The Other Forty....
Let's remember the five "ways" Paul already gave us: 
(1) Slip out the back, Jack 
(2) Make a new plan, Stan 
(3) You don't need to be coy, Roy 
(4) Hop on the bus, Gus 
(5) Drop off the key, Lee 
Now, the rest: 
(6) Hop on your cycle, Michael 
(7) Flag down a cabbie, Abby 
(8) Ride off in your Porsche, Portia 
(9) Ask to be free more, Seymour 
(10) Say you need space, Grace 
(11) Send a facsimile, Emily 
(12) Send her to Paris, Harris 
(13) Put her on the spot, Scott 
(14) Mention your spouse, Klaus 
(15) Tell her you're gay, Ray 
(16) Tell her you're straight, Kate 
(17) Take back the diamond, Simon 
(18) Give the ususal spiel, Neil 
(19) Wish him death, Beth 
(20) Call her a bitch, Rich 
(21) Hire a hit man, Rip Van 
(22) Just be yourself, Dick 
(23) Throw her off a bridge, Etheridge 
(24) Sweep her under a rug, Doug 
(25) Give him salmonella, Priscilla 
(26) Fit her for concrete pants, Lance 
(27) Hire a hit man, Rip van 
(28) Toss her in the bay, Ray
(29) Give her the scoop, Snoop 
(30) Bury her under the floorboards, Edgar 
(31) Make him fret, Juliet 
(32) Kick him in the spleen, Nadine 
(33) Tell her you just chillin', Dylan 
(34) Mention your V.D., Edie 
(35) Use your auto, Otto 
(36) Give her "Boo, hisses!," Ulysses 
(37) Be open & honest to her about how, although you love her, you think you need some time apart to grow and find out how you really feel, Shaquille 
(38) Maybe a Winchester, Esther? 
(39) Let it get all messy, Jessie 
(40) Kick him in the melon, Helen 
(41) Hop on a plane, Jane 
(42) Give two weeks notice, Otis 
(43) Start wearing a skirt, Bert 
(44) Strap yer hands 'cross my engines, Wendy 
(45) Move to Uganda, Wanda 

571-
Daniel and Howard are brothers and both live in Hampstead. But there the comparison ends – Daniel lives with and looks after their elderly mother and Howard lives with his cat Peachy. 
Howard is besotted by Peachy. His whole life is based around her. So when his boss tells him at short notice that he must go to New York to sort out a problem there, he doesn’t know what to do. He can’t take Peachy with him, he can’t leave her behind on her own and he can’t refuse to go to New York. He eventually decides to trust Daniel with Peachy while he’s away. So just before he leaves, Howard goes round to Daniel and explains in great detail what to do. He hands over the cat plus 1 week’s worth of cat medicine and top grade cat food, says goodbye to Peachy and then leaves. 
The phone calls begin as soon as he arrives in New York. Howard phones Daniel morning, noon and night to make sure Peachy is alright. But on the 4th day, when he calls and asks how Peachy is getting along, Daniel replies, "I’m afraid Peachy is dead, Howard." 
Howard is immediately besotted with grief. In between his sobs, he says, "That was most cruel, Daniel. You know how much I loved Peachy. Why couldn't you have broken it to me gently?" 
"How could I have done that?" asks Daniel. 
"Well," says Howard, "when I called, you could have said, ‘well she's OK but she’s up on the roof.’ Then, when I called the next time, you could have said, ‘she fell off the roof and she's at the vets.’ And then, the next time, you could have said, ‘I’m sorry, but she passed away peacefully.’ At least then I would have been a little prepared for the bad news." 
"Yes, you’re right, I’m so sorry," says Daniel. 
Howard then asks, "By the way, how's mum?" 
"She’s ….. OK," replies Daniel, "she's up on the roof fixing a tile." 

572-
You seem to have a good imagination.
Try this: Pretend there are two dice on your computer keyboard.
Got the picture?
Good.
Now, pick up one of them and imagine you see the spots.
What number is it?
Did the number remind you of your first sexual experience?
No, probably not.
Now put down that die and pick up the other one and look at the spots.
How many do you see?
What's the number?
Did THAT make you think of your first sexual experience?
I suppose it didn't.
Now pick up both the dice and shake them in your hand.
Are you shaking them?
Good.
I bet THAT reminds you of your first sexual experience!

573-
Signs That Your Life Is About To Change
10. While watching the news, you spot your spouse marching in a Gay Pride parade.
9. The bank notifies you that your paycheque has bounced.
8. On a densely foggy morning, while driving in the centre lane of a highway, you suddenly run out of gas.
7. You arrive at your wedding to find, two ushers, four bridesmaids, and six pallbearers.
6. You ask your doctor for a physical and he replies, "I'm sorry, I don't do autopsies."
5. The IRS invites you to a weenie-roast and the invitation begins with "Dear Weenie...".
6. While surfing the internet, you suddenly get the following dialogue box: "ICBM launch successful. Confirm strike? (Y/N)".
4. You receive an invitation from the Oval Office to "chew the fat".
3. You hear that your dentist has been arrested for using radio-active material as tooth-filling.
2. At the vacant house next door, you notice a U-Haul van and a truck which looks very similar to the one on the Beverly Hillbillies.
1. Your twelve-year-old daughter suddenly develops a craving for pickles and ice cream.

574-
One night, the waitress in a bar was a bit unsettled that a strange looking man who sat quietly drinking at the bar always seemed to be looking at her intently. Finally, he got up enough nerve to speak to her. 
"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I do hope you don't mind my looking at you." 
She told him she would rather he didn't look so hard and that she didn't consider herself that special. 
"Well, you see I am from a far away planet, sent here to observe some things here and I have to go back tonight. So you see, I really haven't seen anyone like you before. Please just let me look." 
So she said ok, although she thought he was a little nuts. He did mind his manners, didn't get drunk, and just sat quietly looking. 
When it was time to close the bar, he prepared to leave, then walked back to the waitress. 
"I know this is strange, but would you please let me see your tits? I've never seen anything like this and it would mean so very much to me if I could go home and tell the guys all about you." 
Since everyone but the owner had left and he was in the back room, she finally gave in and unbuttoned her blouse and pulled her tits out of her bra. 
"Oh my goodness, that is wonderful! Thank you! Thank you! You don't know how much this means to me!" When she started to gather her clothes around her again, he asked shyly, "Please, please, let me just touch your tits. It would mean so much to me to be able to tell all the guys about how wonderful you are." 
After a little consideration, she allowed him to touch. He was very gentle and she was beginning to get stirred up by this alien. Then he asked her if she would allow him to make love to her. 
Since she was beginning to fancy that notion, she agreed right away. To her surprise, however, he placed his right forefinger in the middle of her forehead quite firmly. As he did so, she could see the passion on his face and he called out, "Aah, ahh, aaaahhhhh." 
Then he took his finger from her forehead. Astonished, she asked him if he'd like to do it again. 
Looking at his curled up forefinger, he replied, "Yes, but I'll have to wait a little while."

575-
Carnival Cruise Lines has announced plans to re-enact the April 1912 sinking of the Titanic using their newest cruise ship, the "Orgasm." 
Bob Tinsel, Carnival's spokesman, made the announcement today from Southampton, England, where the Titanic started her first (and last) voyage. "We're swamped with reservations right now. People are booking their mothers-in-law and bosses like crazy for the sailing." 
Donations are being taken to book Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet by the non-profit foundation, "One Big-Ass Fluke Of A Movie Doesn't Make You 'A'-List Stars."
To be as authentic a re-enactment as possible, Carnival has removed half of the lifeboats from "Orgasm" and has made sure no binoculars are available to lookouts posted in the "crow's nest." To comply with OSHA regulations, arrows have installed throughout every passageway pointing towards the escape route. Tinsel admitted registered Democrats would probably "drown like rats" since they have a genetic inability to follow a straight arrow.
Tinsel said business was a little slow for the "steerage class" passengers, "As they'll almost certainly be sucked straight to the bottom of the Atlantic", but he said, "Foreigners who speak very little English are being aggressively marketed to."
In a public relations coup, Carnival has convinced the US Navy to camouflage one of their nuclear submarines as an iceberg to conduct the sinking. "We think no one does a better job of sinking civilian ships than the US Navy."

576-
A man goes to the doctor to find out about his tests. "It's real bad, I'm afraid", says the doc "you've got a disease so new that it hasn't even got a name yet - we just call it 'Blue 56'. The only certain thing is that you'll be dead in three days" Naturally the guy is devastated, and goes into a big depression. His girlfriend suggests they go to Vegas to cheer him up just a bit till the end comes. So he goes reluctantly. As he walks into the Casino, he's the millionth customer and wins a brand new Rolls Royce. Then he pulls the handle of a slot machine as he passes and wins the golden jackpot of $7m. He sits down for a rest at the Blackjack table and wins $100,000 - straight 21's and he can't even be bothered to turn the cards. Weighed down with money, he throws it onto the nearest table. But it's the roulette wheel and the money is on 22 - which promptly comes up! "Jeez," says the croupier, "I never seen luck like that in my whole life!" "No, you don't understand" says the guy "I've got blue 56"
"Goddamn ! Now you've won the raffle!!"

577-
A lawyer was visiting Bangkok. He went to the most exclusive Escort Agency and asked if he could take Sue-Lin to dinner.
"Yes", said the Madam. It will cost you $100 for Sue-Lin's company. No sex. And she must be back here at 12 p. m."
Sue-Lin was the most stunningly beautiful Eurasian creature the lawyer had ever seen. She was delicate, and statuesque with the perfect trim figure. He wined her and dined her, but before returning her home, he gave her $1,000. "This is a gift", he said. Sue-Lin eyes widened and she told him that he was a wonderful and generous man, and she slipped her hand inside his pants and gave him the best hand-job he had ever experienced.
Before she left him, he said "Will you have dinner with me again tomorrow night?" .
"Oh yes, most certainly", she replied." I will cancel all my previous engagements."
The next night, the lawyer wined and dined Sue-Lin again. He could not get over her beauty, and at the end of the evening, gave her another $1,000 and said, "Sue-Lin, this is a gift just for you."
Sue-Lin was overcome with gratitude and had a tear in her eye. "You are the most generous person I have ever met", she said and she lent over and gave him the most amazing blow-job he had ever experienced.
Before she left him he asked "Sue-lin, would you come to dinner with me again tomorrow night?"
"Of course I will!", said Sue-Lin. "I will do anything for such a kind, generous man."
So he wined and dined Sue-Lin again, and this time he invited her back to her apartment, where he gave her another $1,000. This truly overwhelmed Sue-Lin. She quickly undressed and fell into the lawyer's arms on the bed, where they made wild, passionate love until five in the morning in ways he did not know even existed. Then the lawyer told Sue-Lin that he had to leave as he was catching a plane for Sydney at seven o'clock that morning.
"Sydney!", said Sue-Lin. "You didn't tell me you came from Sydney! I have a sister who lives in Sydney!"
"Yes, I know", said the lawyer. "She is the one who sent you the $3,000."

578-
Relative Definitions ...
Grandfather -- a man whose daughter once married someone who was vastly her inferior mentally but consequently gave birth to unbelievably brilliant grandchildren.
Grandmother -- a baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator.
Father -- someone who has redeemed the money in his wallet for snapshots.
Mother -- the person who feeds the mouth that bites her.
Child -- a lump bred up in darkness.
Aunt -- the only person who would have made a better mother than your mother.
Uncle -- a relative who only seems to like you when he needs something done for him.
Son -- the result of getting what you thought you wanted.
Daughter -- a person who dad likes because she reminds him why he married his wife, and who mother is afraid of because she reminds her of why her husband married her.
Cousin -- the relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble.
Mother-in-law -- a ready source of all knowledge, especially advice, history, and judgments.
Father-in-law -- the fellow who is now happy to have paid for the wedding because now his wife has another man to harass.

579-
THE TRUTH ABOUT INVESTMENT
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.
BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

580-
A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, the young man reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The rooting ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."
Stunned , but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

581-
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in the 10th grade, which was the start of a very pleasant sex life together. When they graduated they both wanted to go to the same college but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take ages to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.
He didn't take this well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with several new boyfriends, she wanted to get him off her back. So, she took a Polaroid picture of herself in a really steamy sexual position with one of her new boyfriends and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new interest, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, he was totally pissed off.
What he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a huge time at college! Please send more money! As you can see, I'm getting pretty desperate for cash!" Then he mailed the picture to her parents.

582-
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Oh, did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why the fuck not?!?" With a surprised look on his face, Big John grins and pats the bus driver on the back and says, "'Cause Big John's got a fuckin' bus pass!"

583-
An Italian and his 6 year old son, Luigi, go into a clothing shop. "May 1 help you?" asks the salesman.
"Yes" says the father, 1'd like a nice sweater for me and a pair of trousers for my son Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!', and he slaps little Luigi around the head several times. Shocked by this attack the salesman asks, "Will that be all sir?"
"No" says the father. "1'd like a pair of shoes for me and a pair for Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!" and he slaps little Luigi again.
"Now just wait a minute" protests the salesman. "You can't keep hitting that poor boy like that - why do you keep hitting him?"
"Why do I keep hitting Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD?' yells the father, bashing Luigi again. 'Well, I'll tell you!" he says. "When I met his mamma, Maria, she wassa eighteen years old, she hada a perfect body, the most beautiful breasts 1 ever saw - and the nicest, tighta pussy ina the whole suburb - until along comma Luigi WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!"'

584-
A man walked into a fancy dress store and announced to the owner, "I'm the greatest salesperson ever and I want a job."
"That's quite a claim," the owner responded, "but, unfortunately, I don't have any openings."
Undaunted, the salesperson asked, "How many dresses does your best salesperson sell in a day?"
"Five or six."
Without blinking an eye, the fellow claimed, "I'll sell twelve and I'll do it without any pay or commission."
The owner, knowing she couldn't lose, agreed. And indeed, just an hour before closing, the new salesperson had sold 18 dresses.
"Do I get the job now?" he asked.
"I've got one more test for you," the owner declared. "After all, you're asking me to fire one of my loyal employees in order to hire you."
The owner disappeared into the storage room for a minute, then came out holding one of the most hideous dresses the salesman had ever seen.
"Sell this dress by the time the store closes tonight, and the job is yours."
Forty-five minutes later the guy walked into her office and threw down the sales receipt.
"I'm amazed," the owner admitted in amazement. "You've got the job. How on earth did you convince somebody to buy that thing?"
"Getting the woman to buy it wasn't the problem. The hard part was strangling her seeing-eye dog." 

585-
The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. 
The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway. 
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman," a voice intoned as the airplane lifted off. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong... nothing can go wrong... nothing can go wrong..." 

586-
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked,
"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" 
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean". 
With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. 
To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?" 
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial". 
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." 
The father dialled the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father. 
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard. 
The father turned to his daughter and said, 
"You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." 
He dialled the same number, and when a violent voice roared, 
"Hello!" The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?" 

587-
New Celebrity-Penned Books
By Sarah Ferguson, Ex-Duchess of York: Cash In On Your Ex's Celebrity Status Long After Being Dumped
By Elizabeth Taylor: Fat And Depressed? Write A Book About It!
By Eva Gabor: Become Rich And Famous With Little Or No Personal Accomplishment
By Cher, Forward by Madonna: Garner Attention By Acting And Dressing Like A Slut
By Anne Heche: Changing Your Sexual Preference For Personal Gain
By Michael Douglas: Boost Your Ego By Marrying Someone Less Than Half Your Age
By Robert Downey Jr: How To Thwart A Body Cavity Search Or Jail House Assault
By Sir Elton John: Get What You Want By Being A Tyrannical, Flamboyant, Chubby Little Man-Bitch
By Farrah Fawcett: How To Gross Out Your Grandchildren By Posing Nude In Playboy
By Michael Jackson: The Joy Of Rearing Young Boys

588-
Old Seth goes to the doctor to see about erection problems. "I'll be ridin' the tractor on the south 20," Seth said, "and the warm sun and the tractor vibratin' gets it up! But by the time I can get back to the house and maw gets ready, it's down--and I can't get it back up. Can you give me somethin' to help keep it up?"
The doc says no, he can't. Age carries its price. But--perhaps some signal could be arranged and maw would be prepared as paw arrived at the house? Maybe maw could even meet him halfway?
"A great idea!" says Seth. "There's a little grove about halfway to the house from where I'm plowin'. Me and maw used to have sex there when we were younger! It'd be a great spot. I'll carry my shotgun and when it's all up and hard, I'll fire it and she'll get there same time as I do. Thanks doc!"
Time passes. The doctor meets Seth at the bank one morning and asks how he's doing. Seth says he's okay. The doc asks how Seth's wife is, and Seth says, "Poor maw, she's dead!"
"Sorry to hear that," says the doc. "How did she die?" 
"Just run herself to death durin' the quail season," said Seth.

589-
A man worked in the oil fields of East Texas, and every week, after payday, he'd take $50, go to a bar, shoot pool, and spend it on beer and then go to a whorehouse with the $50 he had left.
"The usual, sir?" the madam would ask.
"Yes, thanks." He'd pay the $50 and see a pretty girl.
This went on for months until a slump hit the oil business, and the man took a cut in pay. He could only afford $50 a week for fun, including beer and sex.
He went to the bar, played pool, and drank $40 of beer. Then he went to the whorehouse.
"The usual, sir?" asked the madam.
"No, I only have $10. What do you have for that?"
The madam looked down her nose at him, and said, "For that we only have Old Lucy. She's up on the fifth floor, in the attic, and she's retired. If you had more money..."
"I'll take her. I'm horny."
He walked up four flights of stairs, found a small, unpainted door, and opened it. On the bed was an old crone, her hair fallen out in patches, her mind eaten away by syphilis. She remembered enough, however, to get on her knees in front of him, and she opened her mouth.
He unzipped his pants, and took out his dick. But he could see the lice crawling in her greasy hair, and the broken stubs of her teeth. Disgusted, he peed out the beer he'd drunk, and without a word, zipped up, and left the room.
This happened in three successive weeks; drinking $40 of beer, and pissing on Old Lucy.
Finally he was so horny he couldn't stand it. He went to the whorehouse without drinking any beer and plunked down all the $50 and said to the madam, "I want a real girl."
The madam, impressed by his rise in circumstances, said, "Normally sir, we could accommodate you, but tonight A&M is playing football in town and all the girls are busy, except of course, Old Lucy. Even the Aggies won't have her."
"I'm so horny I could fuck a buzz saw. Give me Lucy!"
He retraced the familiar route, and as always, Lucy went down on her knees and opened her mouth. But she was even more disgusting stone- cold sober, and he didn't need to piss because he hadn't had any beer. So he zipped up again, turned on his heel, and as he put his hand on the door knob, the old crone whined, "What's the matter, honey; don't you love me any more?"

590=
Three servicemen, Air Force, Marine, and a Sailor, were all on a flight to go home on leave after spending time in Afghanistan. When they landed a man approached them and said, "Boys to show my thanks for serving our country I'm gonna give you my truck to drive home so you don't have to pay for a cab." The guys thankfully agreed and drove off.
Halfway there the truck broke down and they were stuck out on a lonely stretch of road. Off in the distance they saw a farm house and went to ask to use the phone. When the man at the door answered and saw the men in uniform he invited them in. He said, "Boys for serving our country I'll cook you a steak dinner and you can shack up with my three daughters, you'll have to discuss amongst yourselves who sleeps with each girl, there's plenty of beer in the fridge."
The men ate and the first girl comes down the stairs, a very pretty girl. The fly boy jumped up and said "she's mine" and goes upstairs. The second girl comes down, prettier than the first, the jar head snatches her up and goes upstairs. The sailor is waiting for the last girl thinking he's getting the heifer of the group. To his delight she comes down, the finest of them all.
The next morning the farmer is cooking breakfast. The fly boy comes down first, uniform neatly pressed, fresh looking. The farmer asked if he wanted breakfast but the fly boy says, "No thank you sir, you've done enough already," and left.
The jarhead came down next, uniform not as neat as the fly boys but still acceptable. The farmer offers him food but he only drinks coffee, thanks the farmer and leaves.
The sailor comes down next, still a little drunk, neckerchief messed up and missing a shoe. The farmer offers him breakfast and the sailor ate everything and took off without even a 'thank you.' After they all were gone the farmer calls his girls down. Rubbing his hands together greedily he says "OK girls, how did we do?"
The girl with the airman says, "He fondled me a little, drank a beer, fell asleep and he gave me $200!"
The girl with the marine says, "He made love to me one time, had a couple beers and gave me $150."
The poor girl with the sailor appears all tired and worn out, "he made love to me all night, drank the rest of the beer, and I'll be damned if he didn't borrow $50 from me till next payday!"

591-
Feng Shui Horoscope
Take just a couple of minutes to take this test & see what happens! If you are honest this tells the truth -- it's pretty accurate.
Write your answers on a paper, NO cheating! The answers are at the bottom...
1. Which is your favourite colour: red, black, blue, green, or yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which colour do you like more, black or white?
5. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
6. Your favourite number?
7. Do you like Cumbria or Berkshire more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. Write down a wish (a realistic one).
When you're done, scroll down. Don't cheat.
Answers:
1. If you choose: Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - You are conservative and aggressive.
Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back
Blue - You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow - Your are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
2. If you initial is: A - K You have a lot of love and friendship in your life.
L - R Your try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom
S - Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good
3. If you were born in: Jan - Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
April - Jun: You will have a strong love relationship that will last forever.
Jul - Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life changing experience for the good.
Oct - Dec: Your love life will be great, you will find your soul mate.
4. If you chose... Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
5. This person should be your best friend.
6. This is how many close friends you will have in your lifetime.
7. If you chose: Cumbria: You like adventure, Berkshire: You are a laid back person.
8. If you chose: Lake - You are loyal to your friends and lover and are very reserved, Ocean - You are spontaneous and like to please people.
That was fun, wasn’t it?

592-
Poor little Cinders is in the kitchen crying when in walks her fairy godmother who asks her what the problem is, Cinders replies "The ugly sisters laughed at me because my clothes are poor and scruffy and they said I can't go to the ball."
The fairy godmother assures her that she can help and waving her magic wand turns Cinderella's rags into a magnificent ball gown complete with gold sequins and elegant glass slippers.
Cinderella continues to cry and says, "I cant go to the ball because it is a long way to go and I don't know how I am ever going to get there."
The fairy godmother looks around the kitchen for inspiration and sees a basket full of vegetables, selecting a pumpkin and four carrots she waves her magic wand and they are transformed into a wonderful gold carriage with four prancing horses - as a finishing touch she picks up a cabbage and a leek and magically they become a coachman, who climbs up an d takes the reigns and a footman who opens the carriage door and indicates that Cinders should step inside.
Seeing Cinders is still crying the fairy godmother asks her in desperation what ever else is wrong and Cinders replies, "It is the time of the month when I have my period and the ugly sisters have taken all the sanitary towels so I still can't go to the ball."
Looking into the vegetable basket the fairy godmother takes out another pumpkin and with a flick of her wand turns it into a tampon which he hands to Cinders saying, " There you go my dear, but whatever you do, for heaven sake, get back by midnight!"
One O'clock rolls around, then two and finally just before three Cinders comes walking home with a big smile on her face. The fairy godmother, nearly frantic with worry about what happened to the second pumpkin at midnight, asks how the ball was.
"Oh" replies Cinders, "I never made it to the ball. On the way there I met up with a guy that took me out for a good time". With a roll of her eyes and a heavy sigh she adds, "His name was Peter Peter, something or other..."

593-
In the north of England lived a man, poorly educated, who made a large fortune by selling his design for a bicycle chain. With this money he set about realising his childhood ambition to become a country squire. He purchased a beautiful estate near the Scottish border, and proceeded, with the help of some excellent servants, to live in a manner none in his family had ever dreamed of.
Foremost of these servants was his butler, Jeeves, a well educated man who assisted his master in every way he could to better himself. The master would often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a social situation, or to explain a new term.
One day when the master was reading he called Jeeves in and asked, "Jeeves, what is this fox pass?"
"Sir," replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas.' I'll give you an example. Do you remember recently when Lord and Lady Plushbottom stayed for the weekend? And do you remember how on Sunday morning Lord Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose?
"And do you further remember how later, at breakfast, Lady Plushbottom asked her husband 'Is your prick still throbbing dear?' and you said 'Christ!' and I dropped the marmalade?
"That, Sir, was a faux pas."

594-
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire.
With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again.
DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES

595-
A couple trying to break into society hosted an elegant and expensive dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid-section.
The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead."
The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped Not wishing to risk food-poisoning, all the guests rushed to the hospital emergency ward and underwent the unpleasant task of having their stomachs pumped.
Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. "It is still out on the road where the car ran over it."

596-
John decided to visit his friend, Dave, who had just moved into a new high-rise apartment building. As he parked his car and got out, he heard a woman's voice say, "Hi there, big boy." Looking up, he saw a gorgeous lady-dressed in a shear negligee, leaning over the railing. "Come on up and see me," she purred. John wasn't about to pass up an opportunity like that! He took the elevator to the fifth floor, and as he got off-an apartment door opened and the sexy lady beckoned him toward her. John walked over to the open door. "I've been waiting for someone like you," the lady said as she slowly unzipped his pants. John's pecker rose swiftly to the occasion, and the lady took it into her hand. Then she gave it a sharp whack with her other hand! John jumped back in alarm. "What the hell did you do that for?" he cried. She answered, "That'll teach you to take my parking place."

597-
There was a farmer out in the country, a meek little guy who had a speech problem and couldn't talk right. He got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator.
Soon after it was installed, he tried his first call. (crank, crank, ring, ring) "Operator". "Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease." "Excuse me?" "I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one, fi." "I don't understand you, sir." "FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI!" "Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer than that." "Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" (slammed the phone down)
The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator.
"Yesh, I yam", he said. The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone."
Without saying a word, the little man walked to the telephone. (crank, crank, ring, ring) "Operator".
"Are yew th' lady I told ta shtick 'dis telephone up her ash?"
Immediately huffy, the operator replied "I CERTAINLY am!"
"Well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in."

598-
The following is a father's advice to his son just moments before he gets on the bus that will carry him off to join the Army: 
"Son, you are getting ready to embark on a great adventure as many of the men in our family have done since your great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather did many hundreds of years ago. There will be many dangers ahead that you will encounter. Remember your training and obey your commanders, this will keep you alive during the arduous days of battle. Always stay with the plan, if you deviate from it you will be in grave jeopardy. When the time of battle is over, be wary as you go into the towns and cities ahead because there are many hidden dangers lurking there. There will be many temptations to lure you away from your brothers in arms and this could put you in danger even if it seems safe at the time. In every town there will be a street that will be most treacherous of all and there will be strong drink to dull your senses, loud and crude songs to suppress your hearing, and wild women of ill repute to enable your enemy to catch you off guard. 
My advice to you as a former soldier is simple -
- What ever you do... FIND THAT STREET SON."

599-
Young Tim has just finished high school and, not being too bright, he wants to get a job at a local mechanic's workshop in Christchurch.
Tim spies this advert for a job in a Motor Spares Shop and hurries over. Unfortunately, when he steps in there are already 2 guys there before him.
Tim with tears in his eyes explains to the manager that he really needs the job. Manager looks at him and says, "You know what Tim - I'd really like to give you this job but see these two guys are here before you .. you're going to have be really something special to get this job you know!"
Tim thinks now, mmmm, and then he says, "well boss, there is one thing - if you take a spark plug and stick it into my arse - I can tell you what type of spark plug it is."
The manager goes "Wow .. that's something - lets test you out!"
So Tim turns around and drops his pants. The boss takes a Bosch spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.
Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... Bosch!!".
The boss, goes .. "Wow, that's really something - but lets test you out again!"
He takes a NGK spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.
Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... NGK !!".
The boss, goes .. "Wow, you're really good .. but, one more time - I need to be sure. "
Boss thinks now, lets catch this guy out! He unzips his pants, takes out his penis and sticks it into Tim's arse.
Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeeee .... Champion!!!"

600-
Walter Raleigh & Tobacco~from Bob Newhart
Yeh?... who is it, Frank?... Sir Walter Raleigh?... yeh?... yeh, put him on, will you!
Hey, Harry... you wanna pick up the extension?... yeh!... it's nutty Walter again!
Hi, Walter baby... how are you, guy?... how's everything going?... oh, things are fine here, Walt!
Did we get the what?... oh!, the boat load of turkeys... yeh! they arrived fine Walt... as a matter of fact they're still here, they're wonderin' all over London... well, y'see, that's an American holiday, Walt!!!
What you got for us this time, Walt... you got another winner for us? Tob-acco... er, what's tob-acco, Walt?
It's a kind of leaf, huh?... and you bought eighty tonnes of it?!!... Let me get this straight, Walt... you've bought eighty tonnes of leaves?... This may come as a kind of a surprise to you Walt but... come fall in England, we're kinda upto our...
It isn't that kind of leaf, huh?... Oh!, what kind is it then... some special kind of food?... not exactly?... Oh, it has a lot of different uses... Like... what are some of the uses, Walt?...
Are you saying 'snuff', Walt?... What's snuff?... You take a pinch of tobacco... (ha ha ha)... and you shove it up your nose... (ha ha ha)... and it makes you sneeze?... (ha ha ha)... Yeh, I imagine it would, Walt! Hey, Goldenrod seems to do it pretty well over here!
It has other uses though, huh?... you can chew it!... Or put it in a pipe!... or you can shred it up... and put it in a piece of paper... (ha ha ha)... and roll it up... (ha ha ha)... don't tell me, Walt, don't tell me... (ha ha ha)... you stick it in your ear, right? (ha ha ha)...
Oh!... between your lips!... Then what do you do, Walt?... (ha ha ha)... you set fire to it!... (ha ha ha) 
Then what do you do, Walt?... (ha ha ha)... You inhale the smoke, huh!... (ha ha ha)
You know, Walt... it seems you can stand in front of your own fireplace and have the same thing going for you!
You see, Walt... we've been a little worried about you, y'know, ever since you put your cape down over that mud. Y'see, Walt... I think you're gonna have rather a tough time selling people on sticking burning leaves in their mouths... It's going very big over there, is it?...
What's the matter, Walt?... you spilt your what?... your coff-ee?.
What's coffee, Walt?... that's a drink you make out of beans, huh?... (ha ha ha)... that's going over very big there, too, is it?...
A lot of people have a cup of coffee right after their first cigarette in the morning, huh?... Is that what you call the burning leaves, Walt?... cigarettes?...
I tell you what, Walt!, why don't you send us a boatload of those beans, too!
If you can talk people into putting those burning leaves in their mouthes... they've gotta go for those beans, Walt!... right?
Listen, Walt... don't call us... we'll call you!...
G'bye!

601-
A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach.
On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.
The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same.
The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.
The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon.
Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"
The wife again refuses.
This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.
However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"
The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.
"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."

602-
In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of Fruits on it. They are:
a. Apple b. Banana c. Strawberry d. Peach e. Orange
Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!
If you have chosen:
a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples 
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas 
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries 
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches 
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges
I hope you find fulfilment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquillity and all that other profound stuff.
Also I bet that right now you would like to find me and kick my ass. Well, you won't find me....because I am still hunting down the person who sent this to me...

603-
One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights," she went upstairs.
Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.
Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.
Finally, Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods, so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" And from the next dwarf down to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

604-
A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking Chinese girl. She appears to be all over him and soon asks him back to her place "for a coffee".
When they get to her flat she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes getting his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee.
"I am your sex slave!" she says,
"I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want"
Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can't believe his luck. so he says: "I really fancy a 69".....
"Fuck Off" replies the girl..... "I'm not cooking at this time of night!"

605-
It was sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic car-maker, Henry Ford.
"Mr. Ford," announced Norman Greenberg, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry".
Ford looked sceptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept hi interest piqued. We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."
After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black Edsel that was parked in front of the building. Hyman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car.
"Please step inside, Mr. Ford."
"What!!!" shouted the tycoon, "are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car !!"
"It is", smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button". Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool.
"This is amazing !" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent".
Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused. "and there is something else. We want the name "Greenberg Brothers Air-Conditioning" to be stamped right next to the Ford logo"
"Money is no problem ", retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a 'Jew-name' next to my logo on my cars!!'
They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One & one half million dollars and the Greenberg would be left off. However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system. And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle you will see those three names clearly defined on the air conditioning control panel: NORM - HI- MAX.

606-
A salesman is driving down a country road one day when his car broke down. There was a farm near by, so he went up to ask for some help. The farmer suggested that his daughter, Nelly, could give him a ride into town to get the necessary parts for his car. Nelly was an innocent girl, the epitome of virginal beauty.
Nelly and the salesman were on their way into town when he convinced her to pull over to the side of the road to enlighten her about the facts of life. They had some down and dirty sex all over the car, and then went into town to get the car parts. By the time they got into town, the auto store was closed, so they had to return to the farm. The farmer allowed the salesman to spend the night in the barn and get his car fixed in the morning.
The next morning the salesman went up to the farmhouse to get Nelly so she could give him a ride into town. Nelly was gone, however, and her sister Venus opened the door. Venus was very unlike Nelly. She was sexy, voluptuous, and really even a bit sleazy. Venus volunteered to give the salesman a ride into town, and off they went. Venus did the convincing this time, and the salesman had the "ride" of his life. They eventually made it back to the farm with the parts, and the salesman fixed his car. He thanked the farmer, left his address to they could keep in touch in the future, and went on his merry way.
A few months later the salesman received a later from the farmer which contained only a poem:
Were you the one who did the pushin'
Left the bloodstains on the cushion
And the footprints on the dashboard upside down?
'Cause since you met my daughter Nelly,
There's a swelling in her belly,
And you'd better get your ass back into town.
The salesman thought for a minute, and wrote the following response:
Yes, I was the one who did the pushin'
Left the bloodstains on the cushion
And the footprints on the dashboard upside down.
But since I met your daughter Venus,
I've had some problems with my penis,
So I guess we're pretty even all around.

607-
It was a scientist outside of San Francisco who discovered that baby redthroated seagulls have a chemical in their brains that, when fed to dolphins, reverses their aging process.
Laws being what they are, his research was stymied by the fact that redthroated seagulls are on the Endangered Species list, and it was illegal for him to tread in their nesting ground, much less "harvest" the chicks.
That didn't stop our intrepid scientist: he ventured out under cover of darkness to harvest the chicks.
On the way back to lab, he accidentally ran over a lion that was just lying in the middle of the road. It had escaped earlier from the local zoo.
The police arrived shortly after the accident, and he was arrested and charged with a serious offence:
Transporting underaged gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

608-
This cowboy was riding his horse out in the middle of nowhere and his horse trips over something. The man gets off his horse checks to see what it was. He notices it's a lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out of the lamp. The cowboy pulls out his guns and says to the genie "If you don't give me three wishes I'm going to kill you right here!"
The genie says "O.K. I'm not a violent man so I'll grant you your wishes." The cowboy says "O.K. for my first wish I want a bottle of the best liquor." The genie snaps his fingers and POOF a bottle of Jack Daniels appears in his saddle bag. The cowboy says "O.K. for my second wish I want $1 million." The genie snaps his fingers again and suddenly $1 million appears in his saddle bag. The cowboy says "Well I've never been good with the ladies so for my second wish I want a dick the size of my horse's" The genie snaps his fingers and suddenly the crotch of his pants swell. The cowboy rides off into town and goes to the local saloon. He gets drunk and starts telling everybody the story and naturally nobody believes him. The cowboy says "But I got this bottle of liquor right here" And the bartender says "Yeah but you could have got that anywhere!" So the cowboy says "But I've got $1 million right here!" So another cowboy says "Yeah you could have robbed a bank somewhere and got that!" So the cowboy says "Oh yeah! Then where did I get this!" and he unzips his pants and flops his huge dick on the counter. So another cowboy gets all excited about it and jumps on his horse and rides out to find the lamp. When he finds it he rubs the lamp and says to the genie "If you don't grant my three wishes I'll kill you!" The genie says "O.K. go ahead and tell me your wishes." The second cowboy says "O.K. for my wishes I want twice as much as the first guy had! I want two bottles of liquor, $2 million, and I want to have a dick as big as my horse's" The genie snaps his fingers and his wishes come true. The second cowboy rides back to town to tell everybody in the saloon about his story. He gets the same kind of harassment as the first cowboy so he says " Oh yeah! Well how did I get this!" he unzips his pants and everybody in the bar starts to laugh. Just then the second cowboy thought "OH SHIT! I rode my horse Becky out there!"

609-
The Future of Customer Service
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your ..."
Customer: "Halloo, can I order?"
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh ..., hold on ... 698-45-54610 ..."
Operator : "OK... you're ... Mr John Smith and you're calling from 17 Chapel Street.. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 082 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir."
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir."
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir."
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza.You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir."
Customer: "OK I give up ... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is £14.99
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank £3720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives."
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today."
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it in your Ford Capri ..."
Customer: "What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Ford Capri, ... registration number NRB 1123 ..."
Customer: " *'!^ *%^*%^I7*"
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...
Customer: [Speechless]
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing ... by the way ... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic .. "
Customer : "Please cancel the order, my wife will have to cook ..."

610-
Sitting in a small restaurant, a client asked the proprietor for the menu.
"We don't need a menu here," said the proprietor, "We can serve anything you ask for."
"What? Anything?" asked the client.
"Yes, anything at all." was the reply.
"In that case, I would like some camel's tail soup."
"Very well, sir, but it will take a little while, and you will have to wait a while for it."
"That's OK," said the client. He sat waiting for an hour or so, then a waiter brought a tureen of fragrant soup. He ate the lot, and was thoroughly delighted. He called for the proprietor. "I really enjoyed that," he said, "But surely it was not really camel's tail soup."
"It certainly was" exclaimed the proprietor. "Tell you what, come with me."
The client was led to the back of the restaurant, where a Porsche was parked, and was motioned into it. They drove about a hundred miles into the countryside, to an enormous farm. There the client was amazed to see every possible kind of exotic plants, animals and birds. The restaurant proprietor pointed to a compound in which there were two camels, of which one had only a stump of a tail, bandaged, with a trace of blood.
"That's where your soup came from," he announced.
The client was absolutely floored. "That is remarkable," he gasped, "but there must sometimes be demands you can't satisfy."
"No," replied the proprietor, "we have never been caught out... Wait, no, we were once... when a customer asked for elephant balls on toast. We were clean out of bread that day!!!"

611-
Pick the month you were born:
January--I kicked
February--I loved
March--I smoked
April--I dry humped
May--I choked on
June--I murdered
July--I did the Macarena with
August--I had lunch with
September--I danced with
October--I sang to
November--I yelled at
December--I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a Mexican
6-------a gangster
7-------my cell phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------my neighbour
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19-------myself
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a permanent marker
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy

Pick the colour of shirt you are wearing:
White----------because I'm cool like that
Black-----------because that's how I roll.
Pink------------because I'm NOT a homosexual.
Red------------because the voices told me to.
Blue-----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green---------because I hate myself.
Purple---------because I'm cool.
Gray----------because I was drunk
Yellow--------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange-------because I hate my family.
Brown--------because I was high.
Other-------because I'm a ninja.
None--------because I cant control myself

Now type out the sentence you made in the subject line and forward to your friends.

612-
It was a stormy Christmas night, and inside the tiny cottage on the Yorkshire moors, an elderly couple sat around a roaring fire. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. The old man answered it, and found a very bedraggled man, exhausted and shivering. "Thank God you're in," said the stranger. "I've been walking for hours. I'm lost, and the snow is so deep. Can I rest here for a while?" "Why certainly," replied the old man. "Come and sit by the fire." The stranger gratefully accepted the invitation. As he walked in to the lounge, he saw the old lady, and beside her an attractive 19-year-old blonde. "I'm Walter, by the way," said the old man. "This is my wife Mary and my daughter Ida who's come to stay for Christmas." After a glass of whisky, the old man said, "Well, it's getting late, and I suggest we all retire. I'm afraid that all the beds are taken, but you're welcome to sleep on the sofa." The young man said, 'Thank you' and lay down. About an hour later, Walter was lying in bed, and turned to his wife, and said, "It's a very cold night. I'll see if that young man would like a blanket." So he went into the lounge, and asked, "Would you like a blanket, young man?" "Oh no, Walter I'm fine" Well, what about a hot water bottle?" "No, no, there's really no need," he replied. "Alright, then, how about having our eiderdown?" "My God, you certainly know how to look after strangers," he gasped. "She's been down twice already."

613-
List of thinnest books
- How to Underplay Acting Roles by William Shatner
- Female driving heroes
- NRA disarmament procedures
- Guide to uncorrupt politicians in Belgium
- India's Best Beef Recipes
- The Benefits of Spam on the Internet
- Metallica's Guide to Better Opera Singing
- Telly Savalas' Book of Combs, Brushes, and Perms
- Malcolm X's Guide to Perfect Cross-Burning
- Tonya Harding's Guide to Sportsmanship, preface by Mike Tyson
- Ku Klux Klan Reggae Fun
- End of the World Predictions that Came True
- Dan Quayle's Personal Library of Knowledge and Common Sense.
- The Official Bill Clinton Book of Girls he hasn't slept with.
- How To Create Operating Systems That Do Not Crash...by Bill Gates
- Honourable politicians in Italy
- Environmentally Friendly Invasions...by Saddam Hussein
- Chinese-Tibetan Human Rights
- Respect for Women by Charlie Sheen with foreword by Mike Tyson
- Liz Taylor's Book of Marital Successes
- Russian Fashion Tips
- A Guide to Arab Democracies
- Contraception by Pope John Paul II
- Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
- Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
- Everything Men Know About Women
- French Hospitality
- Bob Dole: The Wild Years
- Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
- Mormon Divorce Lawyers
- One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
- Popular Lawyers
- Staple Your Way to Success
- Tasty Bile Recipes
- The Amish Phone Book
- Outdoor activities in Chernobyl
- Ballerina lessons for men with size 13 or larger feet
- Defensive Driving tips for the Blind
- Contraceptive tips for Nuns
- Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus
- Cooking with Pork Fat for Vegetarians
- GreenPeace Guide for Buying Quality Baby Seal coats
- GreenPeace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes
- Jewish and Arab Friendship Customs
- Human Rights organizations in Libya
- Democracy Debate clubs in Cuba
- Applying for Flight Clearance over The White House
- Guide to Redneck Gay Bars
- Guide to NeoNazis Jewish Friendship Centres
- Street guide to most original graffiti in Singapore
- Sports Illustrated's Gay Men's Swimsuit Edition
- List of Fine Wines from Iran
- Swiss Beaches- A Guide
- Spicy Irish Cooking
- Great Cars of Russia
- Intelligent Things women Say
- How to keep a low profile - interviews with the British Royal family
- The sex life of the Pope.
- John Wayne Bobbit's Guide to a Happy Marriage.
- Uses of a Dead Cat.
- My Recent Travels by Salman Rushdie.
- Tic-Tac-Toe: the strategy guide

614-
The School for the Deaf had just graduated it's newest class of 21 year-olds. As a celebration, they all went out to a bar for drinks. They all sat down at the bar and began to sign their orders to the bartender, who was looking at them puzzled. He looked at the teacher and said, "I don't know sign language! What are they askin' for?"
The teacher replied, "Just give em what you think is good. Don't give em too much, because this is the first time they've ever been drinking. Just use your judgement." The teacher got a drink and went downstairs with the other teacher, leaving the students at the bar.
An hour later, the teachers come upstairs, running to the screams of the bartender. He was backed against the wall pointing at the students and screaming. The students were moaning loudly and waving their arms all over the place. "What the hell are they doing now???" the bartender asked.
The teacher observed for a moment. "Ach! I told you not to give them too much to drink!! You got them drunk, and now they're fucking singing!"

615-
The mayor of Houston Texas was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Houston. The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Houston was full of pigeon poop. The people of Houston couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.
One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a red pigeon. The red pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Texas sky. All the pigeons in Houston saw the red pigeon. They gathered up behind the red pigeon. The Houston pigeons followed the red pigeon as she flew eastward out of the city.
The next day the red pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the red pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Houston of the plague of pigeons.
Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question. 
The mayor asked: "Do you have any red Mexicans?"

616-
So this guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm. He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig. The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says, "Nope, not quite twenty pounds." He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares, "This one`s twenty pounds!" He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, "You can`t weigh a pig like that!"
"Sure I can," said the farmer, "Watch this." He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, "This one weighs twenty pounds."
The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig.
After five minutes, the boy returned alone. "She can`t come out just yet," the boy said. "She`s weighing the mailman."

617-
Picture if you will, a mountain high on top of the world with a sharp cliff that provides an excellent jump to your death. There are three men standing by this cliff and remarking at what a long way down it is.
Suddenly, a good fairy appears and says: "Good gentlemen I will give you one wish. As you jump off this cliff, call out your wish, and I will grant you your wish and safe passage to ground level."
So, the first man, who by the way was Italian, took a running start and jumped off the cliff. As he plummeted to almost certain human death, he called out, "AN E-TYPE JAGUAR WITH BIG FUZZY DICE HANGING IN THE WINDOW AND A GORGEOUS GIRL TO GO ALONG."
And just as the good fairy promised, he landed safely in between his new "car" and gorgeous blond girl, where he proceeded to run from one to the other, not knowing which one to kiss first.
The second man, being an East Indian by the name of Raj, saw what happened to the Italian Stallion and ran off the cliff happily screaming with his distinctive accent:
"RICHES AND FAME."
It was a short and simple request, but that was all the English he could handle while jumping off a cliff. Well, low and behold as he reaches the bottom safely he is swarmed by dozens of adoring fans, while a limousine full of money arrives to pick him up.
Well, the last fellow was a short, stout fellow from a faraway place in a most northern country called Canada. This fellow is commonly referred to as a NEWFIE. The Newfie was so impressed at how the other two gentlemen had prospered in life that he gave grave and careful thought to what he would say as he plummeted off the cliff at break neck speeds. So, he began to run, and just as he neared the edge of the cliff he tripped on a stone and fell off the cliff, yelling with disgust:
"SHIT!!!"
And thus, he safely landed.

618-
These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year.
"Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be ploughed of snow in the winter."
"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."

619-
An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old general sends for his trusty Indian scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."
The trusty Indian scout lies down and puts his ear to the ground. "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint. Many, many guns. Medicine man also with them."
"Good grief!" exclaims the general. "You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," replies the Indian, "I can see under the gate."

620-
A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release. When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in this place." Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in this place" Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him. The patient said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions."
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready. So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready. He said, "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."'
"Good," they said, and then what?" He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating." They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what"? "One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed." "Yes?", the board said excitedly. "Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued. The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to do?"
He said, "I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!"

621-
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

622-
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.
So... is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer

623-
* Romeo and Juliet Net Txt Version
--------------------- Act 1 -----------------------
Login: Romeo : R u awake? Want 2 chat? Juliet: O Rom. Where4 art thou? Romeo: Outside yr window. Juliet: Stalker! Romeo: Had 2 come. feeling jiggy. Juliet: B careful. My family h8 u. Romeo: Tell me about it. What about u? Juliet: 'm up for marriage f u are.. Is tht a bit fwd? Romeo: No. Yes. No. Oh, dsnt mat-r, 2moro @ 9? Juliet: Luv U xxxx Romeo: CU then xxxx
--------------------- Act 2 -----------------------
Friar: Do u? Juliet: I do Romeo: I do
--------------------- Act 3 -----------------------
Juliet: Come bck 2 bed. It's the nightingale not the lark. Romeo: OK Juliet: !!! I ws wrong !!!. It's the lark. U gotta go. Or die. Romeo: Damn. I shouldn't hv wasted Tybalt & gt banished. Juliet: When CU again? Romeo: Soon. Promise. Dry sorrow drinks our blood. Adieu. Juliet: Miss u big time.
--------------------- Act 4 -----------------------
Nurse: Yr mum says u have 2 marry Paris!! Juliet: No way. Yuk yuk yuk. n-e-way, am mard 2 Rom.
--------------------- Act 5 -----------------------
Friar: Really? O no. U wl have 2 take potion that makes u look ded. Juliet: Gr8.
--------------------- Act 6 -----------------------
Romeo: J-why r u not returning my texts? Romeo: RUOK? Am abroad but phone still works. Romeo: TEXT ME! Batty: Bad news. J dead. Sorry m8.
--------------------- Act 7 -----------------------
Romeo: J-wish u wr able 2 read this...am now poisoning & and climbing in yr grave. LUV U Ju xxxx
--------------------- Act 8 -----------------------
Juliet: R-got yr text! Am alive! Ws faking it! Whr RU? Oh... Friar: Vry bad situation. Juliet: Nightmare. LUVU2. Always. Dagger. Ow!!!
Logout.......!

624-
Farmer John has three sons. One day his oldest comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me!" He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he under- stood and said, "Ok, Dad." A week later his second son, (10 yr. old), approaches him wanting a new two wheel bike. Well, he gets the same excuse "....as soon as the tractor is paid for...." Shortly after that his youngest is bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol dad gives him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees the rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself. His dad says, "Son, why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that." The little boy says "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid off!!!"

625-
A bronzed, blonde male surfer type was visiting Boston to attend a friend's wedding. Sitting at the bar at the reception, sucking up his fourth beer, he caught sight of a stunning brunette, whom he had noticed earlier in the church, as she came through the door.
His eyes never left her until she was seated on the other side of the bar from him.
He got up, slowly walked around the bar to where she was sitting. After pausing on his approach for her to look over his magnificent tanned body, he recited one of his better lines and then bluntly asked if she wanted to 'leave this dump' and go to his hotel room to "Ya know, get to, like, know each other better."
She rolled her eyes in disbelief, immediately responding with, "I'm afraid that my awareness of your proclivities regarding the esoteric aspects of sexual behaviour precludes any such erotic confrontation."
He stared blankly at her, somewhat stunned. After several seconds of embarrassed silence, he finally admitted, "Huh? I don't get it!"
"Exactly!" she said as she got up, turned on her heel, and left, leaving him standing there in puzzlement.

626-
An American Indian Chief calls his three sons into his tepee. He announces that he has decided on names for them all as they are all coming of age and have passed the required tests. The Chief sits his sons down with the elders of the tribe and passes the peace pipe around.
'Son number one - you shall be known as......'
Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what will I be called?'
The chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.'
The chief continues, 'Son number one - you shall be known as Eagle'
Son number one asks why.
'As you will be strong and precise in battle - fearing no others - the elders agree.'
The peace pipe is passed to son number two.
Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what will I be called?'
Chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.'
The chief continues, 'Son number Two - you shall be known as Swallow.'
Son number two asks why.
Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what will I be called?'
The chief replies, 'I will come to in turn my son.'
The chief continues talking to son number two. 'Because you will be swift and silent - surprising your enemy in battle - the elders agree.'
The chief turns to the third son. 'Son number Three- you shall be known as Thrush.'
Son number three asks, 'Why Thrush?'
'Because my son you are an irritating cunt - the elders agree'.

627-
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist, Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother - Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white - Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh
His magician uncle - Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin - Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother - Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt - Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle - Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van - Winnie Bay Gogh

628-
Here are some more true quotes from people who put the DUH in In-duh-vidual, as reported by DNRC field operatives.
"Well that really throws a wrench in the ointment."
"I think there's something wrong with my alarm clock; it keeps making this really loud noise in the morning!"
When talking to a colleague about my newborn twins, she asked what genders they were. "A boy and a girl," I answered. My colleague's next question: "Are they identical?"
"That's water over the bridge."
"You're dead meat in the water."
"That stands out like a diamond in a goat's butt!"
"You shouldn't violate the law because that's illegal."
"They have us by the balls of our feet."
"Never pet a burning dog."
"It's hotter than a French hen."
"They should lock him up and throw away the book."
"They cooked themselves. Now they have to lay in it."
"Make sure you cross your p's and q's."
"Don't look a blind horse in the eye."
"I put my wrong foot in the wrong mouth at the wrong time!"
"Cows died to give us that cheese."
"Don't slap the hand that milks you."
"Call me back at your least convenience."
"It's six of one and one of the other."
"I can't do it in the spur of a hat."
"That's going to change the whole ball of works."
"They're not the brightest box of cookies."
"The pro's for are more than the pro's against"
"I wouldn't touch him as far as I could throw him."
There was a question in our company newsletter asking about whether they could water the flowers in the bathrooms since they were looking wilted and sick. The response was "The flowers are artificial." [Editor's note: Evidently some employee created a restroom gas cloud powerful enough to wilt artificial plants. You have to admire that on some level.]
Our health teacher told us that "1 out of 3 people who start smoking will eventually die." The other two apparently became immortal.
So a few friends and I were at a museum, and they had this wall of analogue clocks with a city name written under each one, showing what time it was around the world. We had about ten clocks in view, when my friend looks at a clock, looks at his watch, looks at the clock again, and says, "Well, this one's pretty close, but all the others are way off."
One week, we had the Land O' Lakes brand on sale and a customer came, and asked for one pound of store brand cheese. Trying to be helpful, I told her that we had the Land O' Lakes cheese on sale for cheaper. She asked me what the difference was, and I told her that Land O' Lakes was better. Her response: "I'll take a pound of the [store] cheese."
We were interviewing a new recruit and the owner of the company made this statement during the interview: "I believe people are more fragile than eggs, and if it were up to me, I would rather play with my eggs." It took quite a bit of restraint not to burst out in hysterical fits of laughter.
While working for a leather company, we were chatting in the lab about food. One of the other lab technicians pondered aloud, "I wonder why you never get the skin on beef?"
Every time my husband gets a new temp assignment, he gets a new security badge. The temp stands against the wall and the camera - generally in a fixed position - snaps the ID photo. My husband uses a wheelchair. So his security picture features the blank wall above his head.
On a canal boating holiday, the boat had a shower, with a stirrup pump that pumped excess water through the side of the hull. A friend (an engineer) asked "Why didn't they put the hole in the bottom of the boat?"
I went to a local pizza restaurant and asked about the difference between a large and a medium pizza. The Induhvidual told me the large pizza had 10 slices and the medium had 8 slices. I told her to take one of the large pizzas, cut it into 8 slices, and I would pay for a medium. She just stared at me like I had asked her a question about Euclidian Geometry.
I went into my local bookstore and explained I needed Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler for a politics essay, the woman behind the desk said "Is it a new release?"
In the interview, which had been going very well up to this point, the interviewer asked, "Why do you want to leave your current job?" In my Induhvidual moment, I responded "It's too much work." Needless to say I didn't get any further consideration.
A few of us were talking about fighter planes and one of my friends asked, "If a plane is going faster than the speed of a bullet when it fires, does the bullet come out the back of the plane?" We were all surprised when he failed out of the engineering program the following semester.
I was paying my cell phone bill with a debit card. The Induhvidual behind the counter carefully checked my signature with the one on the card. I guess that's to prevent people from stealing wallets and going around paying the victim's bills.

629-
A guy, working 35 floors up at a construction site, had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him he was going to go down to use the facilities. The foreman told him he was nuts, explaining that by the time he got down and back up he would lose a half hour of time.
Instead, the foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building, stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and do what he had to do. He added that since they were 35 floors up, his pee would turn into vapor before it reached the bottom. So, the guy decided to take his foreman's advice.
Suddenly, the foreman's cell phone rang and he jumped off the board to get it, causing the guy to fall to his death!
At the inquest, another worker who was on the 31st floor at the time of the accident was asked if he knew what happened.
"I'm not sure," he replied, "but I think it had something to do with sex."
"Something to do with sex?" the coroner said, puzzled. "What would make you think that?"
"Well," the worker replied, "I saw the guy falling with his dick in his hand, screaming, "Where did that cocksucker go?!?"

630-
A miner comes into a new town after being in the field for a month. He's carrying a sack of gold. The first thing he does is head to the local saloon.
As he approaches the bar he flips the sack of gold on the bar and says "Hey barkeep give everybody in the place a drink, I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send up a steak dinner and the prettiest girl in town. Take out a few bucks for your troubles."
The bartender hollers out, "Sorry mac there aren't any women in town. All we got is a Chinaman."
The gold miner without missing a step up the stairs, answers, "Never mind I don't go for that shit."
The next day the miner is off to the fields and doesn't return for 6 weeks. When he returns he has a sack of gold about twice the size as the original one.
Again he heads for the saloon and states, "Hey barkeep give everybody whatever they want to drink & eat for the rest of the night. I'm going up to my room & take a shower. Send up some food and a couple of the best women in town. Take out some gold for your troubles."
The bartender again bellows out, "Sorry partner we still have no women in town. The stagecoach that was bring them in had problems. All we got is that Chinaman."
This time the miner stops about halfway up the stairs, pauses a few seconds & says, "Never mind I don't go for that shit".
The next morning the miner is once again headed to the gold fields. This time He's gone for another month & when he returns he has 2 sacks of gold both larger than the previous one.
First stop has him back at the saloon. He enters throws one of the bags on the bar & says "Hey barkeep drinks are on me till that bag is gone, keep some for yourself. I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send me up the best steak in the house and two of the prettiest women in town."
Again the bartender says, "Sorry mac the women never did get here. The only thing we got is the Chinaman."
This time the miner spends at least a minute on the stairs and finally says, "OK send the Chinaman up."
The bartender replies, "That will be $600.00 in advance."
The miner turns around in disbelief and screams, "WHAT!? $600.00 for a Chinaman?"
The bartender replies, "No Sir, The $600.00 is for the three guys that are going to hold the Chinaman down. He don't go for that shit either."

631-
You know that TV programme Rogue Traders where they set up cameras in a house and spy on dishonest workmen? Well there was one on TV last night where they called up a plumber with a reputation for ripping people off and asked him to mend the boiler. They’d just turned down one of the valves and reckoned it was a five minute job to fix and should cost no more than £20. So the plumber turns up, looks at the boiler, sucks in his teeth and says “Oooh, complicated. It’ll take about 3 hours, need £40 worth of parts and the total, with VAT, will be £223.25” So the lady who is acting as the housewife agrees to that and asks him to carry on as she needs to go out shopping. When she leaves he has another look at the boiler, spots the faulty setting on the valve and puts it right. He then wanders through to the living room, pours himself a large brandy and settles down in front of the TV, The owner’s dog wanders into the room and the plumber calls it over, picks it up and starts to give it a wank. He carries on masturbating the dog for another hour, in between helping himself to more brandies, The TV presenters, monitoring the hidden cameras at the top of the house decide that they must confront the plumber so they slip downstairs quietly and enter the living room to the surprise of the plumber. The lead presenter then runs the tape of what they have filmed for the tradesman to see, expecting him to dash out of the house in shame. 
But no....... his reply? “That’s OK mate, I’m Corgi registered”

632-
After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist.
"He's never in the mood," complained the Bride.
"Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist.
The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained.
"This time," the therapist recommended, "Try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom."
But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood. As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance."
The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time."
"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist.
"Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."

633-
A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to ask her father. "I want to marry your daughter".
"Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter."
"I'll do anything for my love" says the young man.
"You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it."
A little puzzled the boy says, "OK, anything for my love".
On his return of doing his deed, he asks, "Now can I marry your daughter?"
"Nope." says the father, "See that goat over yonder? Well, Go screw it."
Again the boy obliges and returns saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?"
"Nope. Not yet -- one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it."
Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter.
So the father finally tells the boy, "Now you can marry my daughter." 
To which the boy replies, "SCREW YOUR DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THAT PIG?"

634-
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning the woman got up early to take a long walk.
After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the centre of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlour. There was only one other patron in the store.
Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely.
"Pull yourself together!", she chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children. You're forty-five-years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then when she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change - but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store?
Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. But no ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman,
"You put it in your purse."

635-
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a double decker.
It was after eight.
She was from Quality Street; he was a fisherman's friend.
On the way, they stopped at a yorkie bar, he had a rum and butter, she had a wine gum.
He asked her name,' Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.
I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her milky way.
They checked in to a hotel and went straight to their room.
Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of black magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her snickers and felt her cream egg.
He fondled her flap jacks, then he showed her his curly wurly and tic tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more jelly babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard.
He was pleased, as he always fancied a bit of fudge.
It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish delight,
When he pulled out, his fun size mars bar felt a bit crunchy.
She wanted more, he needed time out, but he noticed her pink wafers looked very appetizing.
He did a twirl, had a picnic in her sherbet and finished of by giving her a gob stopper,
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD.
It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with all sorts!!!!

636-
A chap visits a massage parlour. On the wall he sees a price list: Turkish massage £30 Swedish Massage £75 De-waxing £100
Being new to the experience and not sure if he will enjoy it he decides to go for the cheapest option.
He is led into a room and told to undress and lie on the table, which he duly does. A few moments later a 20 stone Turkish wrestler enters and begins to punch and pummel him without mercy. The pain is incredible as limbs are bent into positions they were never designed to adopt. In the pause between two assaults the man manages to gasp: "Ok I’ll pay the extra; I’ll have the Swedish massage."
The wrestler shambles out and is replaced by a tall leggy blond from Stockholm dressed only in her bra and panties. She leans over him and begins to gently rub scented oil into his bruised flesh. Soon the pain is forgotten and he becomes increasingly aroused as her slim hands travel down his back and the massage becomes distinctly ‘intimate.' His breathing becomes more rapid and his body arches rhythmically when suddenly the masseuse packs up her oils and walks to the door. The man whimpers: "Oh God, I’ll pay the extra—don't stop!"
Immediately the girl returns and slipping her hand between his legs begins to resurrect his slightly flagging ardour. Just as the critical moment arrives the Turkish wrestler runs in and hits the man viciously in the testicles: sure enough; all the wax flew out of his ears.

637-
Computer Guide
This page is completely fucked. In fact, your computer is probably broken.
The page you are looking for is seriously fucked up and is currently unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may have to re-install your operating system. In which case, too bad.
Please try the following:
a.. Click the Refresh button, or fill your CD-ROM drawer tray with jam. This really works.
b.. If you typed the page address in the Address bar, please go away and learn to spell correctly before returning.
c.. To check your connection status, unplug your PC and insert a screwdriver into the mains socket. Connection status will immediately become apparent.
d.. If you like, Microsoft Windows can examine your PC and send details of all the pornography you have downloaded to its headquarters in Redmond.
e.. If you would like Windows to ruin your life,
f.. click Yes! Send me to jail!
g.. Some sites you visit require Microsoft's authorization. Click the Windows menu and then click Let me view boobies! to uninstall this feature.
h.. If you are trying to reach a secure site, make sure you are not running Windows. Click the My Computer menu, and then right click Drive C:. On the Menu select This sucks: Please replace current operating system with Linux. And don't ask me again.
i.. Click the Back to try and end this nightmare.

638-
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of pounds for dinner. The woman took out her wallet, extracted a ten pound note and asked: "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said: "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" The woman asked.
"Are you stupid?" replied the homeless woman: "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, returning the tenner to her wallet: "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight." 
The homeless woman was astounded: "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, I look an absolute mess, my clothes are rags and I probably smell pretty disgusting, too."
The woman replied: "That's okay. It's important for my husband to see what I'll look like if I have to give up spending his money on shopping, beauty treatments, hair appointments and wine." 

639=
There was an archaeologist named Pamela Lovingstone who scouted around with a group of fellow archaeologists, and she had never made a big find of any kind to speak of, so they decided the next time they discovered a new cave, she could go in first.
Several days later, they found the new one, and she went in, and found a small pile of remains, she didn't recognize, so she boxed the remains, sent them to Washington, DC, to the Smithsonian with a note that read:
Dear Sirs: Enclosed is what I believe to be the petrified penis of a pompous Persian prince. Sincerely, Pamela Lovingstone
A few weeks later, she received a note back, that read: Dear Miss Lovingstone: We are sorry to inform you that the remains you sent in was not the petrified penis of a pompous Persian prince, it was, instead, the after product of a corrupted Corinthian who crept into the crypt and crapped.

640-
A former prostitute with a rather well-used vagina that has been somewhat stretched is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets in a bar one night. She thinks it over, and she decides to accept his proposal. Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation, but she decides to approach the problem after they are married. On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child, she got her privates caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence, which explains why her vagina is so big.
They make wild and passionate love for most of the night, and in the early hours of the morning, her husband, after regaining his breath, turns to her and says, "I can understand your private parts being stretched by this barbed wire, my dear, but just HOW far across the field were you before you noticed?"

641-
Guide to Great Cybersex
1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance.) It really gets difficult explaining what you are doing undressing in front of the computer, drooling out of one corner of your mouth, moaning and groaning while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard.
2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.
3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as, sweat pants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best wonder bra, (the one that has everything pulled up so high your bellybutton is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer. Although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer. It does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company.) As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.
4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor, there are many potential emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15" screen.
5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.
6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., "oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse" (kinda puts a western slant on things), hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though. "Oh baby, you have such a big coke" (hope you got the super sized fries and burger with that). "That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint" (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial "oh fork me hard!"
7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyber partner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped offline. That always works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out."
8. Once both cyber partners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)
9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, its proper etiquette to just bump yourself offline, or just say "HUH? I never got your message." Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.
10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different. Until your next hot session....cyber on my friends!

642-
Three golfers had a big golf game with a client in Arizona. They were running late and as luck would have it their car broke down. They found a repair garage nearby. The mechanic told them it would take four hours to fix their car. But he told them" You're in luck. I have a camel that the three of you can ride over to the golf course. This camel is smart. He can read stoplights - he'll stop and go just as the light directs. So the three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs and all and took off.
An hour later the mechanic saw the three of them standing a couple of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight.
"What in the world happened and where's my camel?"
"Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up along side of us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the window and said 'Look at the three nuts on that camel!!'" When we got off to look, the beast took off when the light turned green."

643-
During a commercial airline flight a navy pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said nursing would Help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true fighter pilot fashion exclaimed, "Damn! And all these years I've been chewing gum.

644-
Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a Bloody Mary,

______a Margarita

______a Scotch and soda

______a Martini

______a Vodka and Tonic

______a Steak

______Lobster or crab legs

______The remote control

______a Bowl of ice cream

______The sports page

______Chocolate

______Sex

it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point it is time to call the Seattle Jazz Funeral Band and/or a Bagpipe Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had together.

Signature: ___________________________

Date: ___________________________

645-
I went out Wednesday afternoon to the local Walmart to start camping out. when I got there, there were already 12 people there so I got in line being number 13. I talked around and found out the first 6 people there had been there since Monday, total hardcore nerds all planning to keep them. bragging about how only they should get the system since they've been there the longest. how they are so dedicated and how if you don’t want to do the time, you shouldn't get a system. generally being complete assholes. good for them. We had a hours to pass so we became friends and played some cards and whatnot. the 6 guys in front kept to themselves and didn't associate with the rest of us. We were cool with each other leaving the line to get food, bathroom, smoke, etc since we all knew each other and as long as they were back in 30 minutes. I was about to leave to go buy some KFC for a good number of us and when I stepped out of line, one of the nerds shouted that if I left, I would lose my spot. the other guys told him that they were vouching for me and that I was just getting food but those 6 assholes didn't care. they said I leave, I lose my spot and that was the rules and they would call the manager (they had his number) to come out and enforce it. I said whatever and stayed in line.
A few hours later, the manager came out and told everyone that there were only going to be SEVEN available. they have them in their store and they're not getting anymore. He told the people after # 7 they should leave if they wanted to not waste their time. Me being number 13 should have left but I didn't, I wanted to stick around for a little bit more. Everyone else left except me and the 7 other people that were getting it for sure. So the day goes on and I try to make friends with the nerds. I play mario kart on the ds with them and talk to them about the games they were getting. About an hour or 2 later, I tell them I'm gonnna head home since I/m 8 in line and there's only 7 ps3s. one of them made some stupid joke about if I leave the line then I aint getting back in!! har har. so as I’m about to leave, I tell them I’m going to the vons next door and if any of them wanted any food or coffee and I’d bring it back to them. One of them said yea and all the rest like sheep followed and said yes too. They were gonna give me money but I told them it was on me since they’ve been out here since Monday. the 7th guy in line wanted some food and coffee and I told him I’d buy some for him also.
So I go to vons and buy 8 coffees, some food, and some x-lax laxatives. I bring it to my car and put some laxatives in 6 of the coffees and separate them from mine and #7s. I pull back to Walmart and bring all the drinks and food upfront. I give #7 his stuff and then the coffees with laxatives to the 6 nerds and wish them good luck and go back to my car. I park it around the corner so I can still see them.
About 30 minutes later, #2 and 3 in line get up and it seemed like they were yelling to the other nerds. they both ran into Walmart. seconds later (I guess all nerds have the same biology) #5 gets up and runs across the parking lot and into the trees and bushes somewhere. #1 is scrounging for this portapotty type thing he'd brought with him but he is squirting everywhere and all over his pants and their sleeping bags. He runs into Walmart. At this time, I start my car and drive back to the Walmart to claim my spot in line. When I get there #4 and 6 are gone but I don't know where. #7 is laughing his ass off so hard and I just smile at him. I call up 5 of the other people that I had made friends with that were in line with me ( I had their phone numbers cause I was gonna buy to food for everyone) and told them to get back to the Walmart ASAP and get in line. Meanwhile, me and #7 threw all their shit into the parking lot and I claimed my spot as #1, him as #2. And the people I had called arrived and got in line just as 1 of the nerds came running back and got #7. He started yelling saying they need their spots back. We all told them to fuck off, out of spot, out of line. It was all of us against him so he didn’t say shit. The nerds came back and tried to start some shit but we just laughed, We told them it was their rule and to go fuck themselves and clean the shit off their pants. They called security and security came. Security man was like WTF is that fuckin smell and looked at the nerds with shit over all of them and kicked them off the grounds screaming LMAO.
So that is how I got my ps3.

646-
Progress?
Then....and now. (sadly, not that much a joke)
Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1963 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1963 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Little Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1963 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1963 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1963 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.
1963 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2006 - Middle School Counsellor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1963: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by ultra-liberals. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1963 - Ants die.
2006 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary, who hugs Johnny to comfort him.
1963 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.
And this is what they call progress?

647-
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

648-
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

649-
Dear Mr. Collector; I have received your super heated letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid a long time ago, and you don't understand why it hasn't been. Well, I will enlighten you. In
1999, I bought a sawmill on credit. I bought an oxen team, a timber cart, two ponies, a shotgun, a wine toaster, a colt revolver, and four razorback hogs all on credit.
In 2000, the sawmill burned down and didn't leave a damn thing. One of my ponies died and the other one I loaned to an illiterate moron who starved him to death. In 2001, my father died and my mother was hung for horse stealing. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the bill of 88.00 to keep the little bastard from becoming a relative of mine. In 2002, my son got the mumps, they went down on him and the doctor had to castrate him to save his life.
That summer, I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest damn catfish you've ever seen. One of my sons drowned but not the one that was castrated. My wife ran away with some heavy hung Texan and left me with 3 small children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to cut down on my income tax and expenses. I had trouble getting her to reach a climax. The doctor said to try creating some excitement just as she was beginning to come. That night, I took my shotgun to bed with me and just as she was beginning to come I pointed out the window and pulled the trigger. Well I ruptured myself, shot the best damn cow I ever owned and my wife shit all over the bed.
Then I took to drinking and didn't stop until all I had left was my pocket watch and kidney trouble. After that, all I did was wind my watch and piss. Things really got worse then. My wife caught the clap from the milkman and my son wiped his ass on a corn cob with rat poison and some one shot the nuts off my best bull.
Then I decided to go into business for myself. I ordered six bee hives from sears roebuck. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on credit. The queen bee died so I ordered another one. She turned out to be a whore and started to run around with a horse fly. The honey started to taste like shit and I couldn't see it. So then, Mr. Collector, you say If I don't pay, you will cause me trouble. Right now, if it cost two cents to take a shit I would have to puke. Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcats ass with a hot poker. But you are welcome to try.
Signed, Joe

650-
Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk.
One of them asked the other, "So, what do you hunt?"
He answered, "I hunt unicorns."
The first hunter was startled, but said,
"Really? How do you do that?"
The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare." 
The first hunter said, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one." 
The second hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"

651-
There were two guys riding down the road on a motorcycle. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that had a broken zipper. He finally stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."
But then he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. They continued driving down the road and came around a bend in the road, lost control and wrecked.
A nearby farmer called the police and reported the accident. The police asked him, "are they showing any sign of life?"
"Well," the farmer said, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"

652-
Three Texans were in a bar throwing back a few, while they were discussing the meaning of life. The conversation grew deeper and deeper when one of the gents started talking about reincarnation. The trio started considering the possibility of the existence of this phenomenon and what each would prefer to come back as given the choice.
The first cowboy said "Well I think if I had my 'druthers I'd come back as a big Brahman bull."
The other two contemplated this choice and inquired as to why a bull.
"Well," he said "If I was a bull all I would have to do would be to lay around eat and sleep all day. My women would be brought to me, and my owner would be paid for my services. That seem like a pretty good life to me."
His two buddies both agreed that sounded like a good way to go through life, but one thought he could improve on it. He said, "I'd rather come back as a range bull."
"A range bull, why a range bull?"
"Well "he said" If I was a range bull it would be much the same as the life Leroy was talkin' 'bout. All I would have to do all day is lay around and eat and sleep, but I wouldn't have no fences to hold me back, and I would have my choice of all the women on the range. That seems like the best life to me."
Leroy nodded in agreement.
Just then ol' Charlie spoke up. "Naw" he said as he shook his head, "Ya'll got it all wrong. I'd rather come back as a whale."
"A whale, why in tarnation would you want to come back as a whale?" They were amazed at Charlie's statement.
Charlie just grinned and said......."Can you imagine having a seven foot tongue and bein' able to breathe out of the top of your head?"

653-
Years ago during the battle of Britain (a small island off mainland Europe for you chaps reading in the states!) a famous French (From the noun France meaning a bigger country on mainland Europe situated close to Britain!) fighter pilot had evaded capture by the Germans and was now the RAF's (Royal Air Force chaps) top flying ace. Having come back from one harrowing sortie, Herve (pronounced Ur - vay) the sole surviving member of the squadron crash landed his damaged & smoking spitfire on the grass runway..
"Fuel up another one" shouts Herve "I fight the dreaded Germans on my own"
He duly got into a new plane flew across the channel (a sea between Britain & France) and when over northern France encountered a large squadron of German planes. Throwing caution to the wind Herve lined them up in his sights and dived into attack.
He was promptly, unsurprisingly, shot down and crashed in a farmers field.
Climbing from the smoking wreckage Herve is confronted by an angry farmer brandishing a shotgun and threatening to "blow his German head off". (the French fought the Germans in WW2 and were on "our side").
"Non non" says Herve "I am Herve the famous French fighter pilot and have been shot down you idiot farmer"
The fame of Herve had even spread to this little farm in northern France and now reassured the farmer was delighted. Taking Herve's flight bag in one hand and supporting the tired Herve with the other the farmer led our intrepid hero back to his simple farm house for some warming food and a glass of wine (this is an alcoholic drink favoured in France. It has absolutely no relation to similarly labelled drinks sold in the US - it is actually rather pleasant).
On entering the house the farmer introduces Herve to his wife and his beautiful blonde 18-year-old daughter Nicole. After a fabulous meal and a few more glasses of real wine, the farmer announces that it is time for bed. But there was one problem, there were only 2 bedrooms, one for the farmer & his wife the other for Nicole (the lovely young daughter - concentrate).
Herve swore on his honour that he would not lay a finger on Nicole and could be trusted to share her bed for the night before escaping the next day across the channel to Blighty (AKA Britain see comment line one).
Needless to say that no sooner had Herve closed the bedroom door he jumped the lovely young Nicole.
"Oh Herve, kiss me! kiss me!" cries Nicole
Herve reaches into his flight bag and brings out a bottle of Merlot (see previous comment on wine) and splashes it on Nicole's lips.
"What are you doing, Herve?" says the startled Nicole.
"I am Herve, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Nicole says,
"Herve, kiss me lower."
Herve tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay from his flight bag and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Herve! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Nicole.
"I am Herve the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Nicole leans close to his ear and whispers, "Herve, kiss me lower!"
Herve, grabs a bottle of Brandy (a highly combustible alcoholic drink made from grapes and much stronger than Budweiser) and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Nicole shrieks as she bats out her flaming bush then shouts angrily at Herve,
"Herve, what the hell do you think you're doing?"
To which Herve replies,
"I am Herve the famous French fighter pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

654-
Three men are walking down the street. One is from California, one is from New York, and the last is from St. Louis.
A good looking woman walks by....the man from California states "She's about an 8."
The man from New York states "No, no....she's a 6."
The man from St. Louis says "Hell no, she's a 1."
The two men look at the guy from St. Louis and turn to each other and say, "Well, she was not that good looking."
All three continue walking down the strip. As chance happens another woman walks by. She is more beautiful then the first.
The man from California exclaims "9"
The man from New York cries "8.5"
The man from St. Louis says "2"
The man from California and New York state, "I guess it takes all types."
Finally a extremely beautiful woman crosses their line of sight.
The man from California and New York simultaneously state "10"
The man from St. Louis states loudly, "3.5"
The man from New York asks the man from St. Louis, "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you gay? She was beautiful!"
The man from St. Louis turns to him and says, "I'm using the Budweiser method."
The man from California asks "What is that?"
The man from St. Louis responds "The Budweiser method is to see how many Clydesdales (horses) it would take to pull her off my face."

655-
Once upon a time there was a king who had a beautiful daughter. One day a young prince from a nearby kingdom came by for a visit.
That night, after everyone had gone to bed, the prince snuck out of his room and entered the princess' room. She said, "What are you doing in my room? Leave immediately or I will call my father!"
The Prince said, "Don't be frightened. I am not going to hurt you. You are so beautiful. I just want to kiss you and hold you."
He kissed her lips and here and there and everywhere. Soon he had gone where no man had gone before. They were enthusiastically doing the nasty.
After he finished, he rolled over and relaxed.
She said, "Wow! That was fun. Let's do it again."
He climbed back in the saddle for seconds. Then again rolled over and relaxed.
She said, "That was so good. We have to do it again."
He wasn't very enthusiastic, but he just managed to rise again to the occasion. He then rolled over and again tried to relax.
She said, "Come on, let's do it again."
The prince said, "Leave me alone or I will call your father."

656-
The year is 2234....
D: Hey, Mike, what's that you have?
M: Oh, hi Dave, that's something very secret the boys in the lab are working on...
D: Come on, give me a look...
M: Well OK then. This will be THE big breakthrough in data presentation and storage. Here, let me show you. See this wafer-thin white display unit?
D: What? is that a full display?? That thin?
M: Yep. And see this pointer here? When I move it across the display, it leaves a trail, so I can write directly on the display, and the display will store the image.
D: That's fantastic. Where is the drive unit?
M: This is it. It doesn't need any other resources. No power, no batteries, no nothing.
D: What an incredible discovery...
M: Now look at this.
D: Oh, your closing the unit. Well, I can do that as well with my notebook.
M: Hey, yes, but look I can fold it many times. See? Now it fits in my wallet.
D: So you can always carry it with you...Brilliant! Hey, let me hold it for a moment? Gee, it's so light!!! I'm dreaming!!
M: No, you're not dreaming. Look, now I open it up again. See the image is still there. Now watch...
D: Hey, you're ripping the unit to pieces. What a waste!!
M: Yes, but look, I can hold them together, and the image is restored. This material is fantastic.
D: Incredible. Can't do that with my flashcard. Ha, ha... What are you doing now? You're jumping up and down in the display!... Oh, my God, it's still working! Say Mike what is the safe storage time for the unit?
M: Oh, they say it will be a few centuries at least, perhaps even longer than a thousand years without too much degradation.
D: Gee, must be some stable magnetic fields they use.
M: Yes. The boys at Microsoft-Intel claim it will do away with monitors, computers, notebooks... They'll release it early next year, when they have finished the colour version. This is only a Black and White gamma release.
D: What is it going to be called?
M: Paper35

657-
Einstein the scientist starts getting home later and later in the evenings. Then one day, he comes home at 2.30am. His shirt is torn, there are lipstick stains on his neck, and his wiry hair is even more dishevelled than it usually is. As soon as he steps foot inside his house, his wife jumps out from behind the front door, grabs hold of him, shakes him and shouts, "So why have you once again come home so late?" 
"Well," he replies, "as I was leaving work at 5.30pm today, I met some friends and they persuaded me to go with them and have a few quick drinks. We then met some good looking young ladies inside the bar and …. well, to be honest, we all started to drink more than we could handle, as you can probably see. But I managed to sober up just enough to see how late it was. So I called a taxi and …. here I am." 
"You’re a liar," she screams at him, "you were in the lab again working on your stupid relativity theory, weren't you?" 

658-
Everyone knows that there is a Bethlehem in Pennsylvania but few, outside the commonwealth, know that there is also a Nazareth. The town and the city are connected by PA route 191, Nazareth Pike. One dark drizzily night in December a man was driving PA route 191 from Nazareth to Bethlehem. Just outside Hecktown, as he was moving slowly along this country road he noticed a shape in the drizzle. As he got closer he saw that it was a man pulling a donkey and there was a woman, very pregnant, sitting on the donkey. Having almost run over the donkey, the driver, very incensed, stopped and got out to talk to the man pulling the donkey. "You know I almost ran over your donkey!" "I am sorry but I have to get to Bethlehem to pay my taxes." "Right! I guess your name is Joseph, too." "How did you guess?" Driver, "I'll bet you're going to tell me that that is your wife, named Mary, riding on the donkey, and that she is going to have her baby in Bethlehem." Joseph, "Right, again." Driver, "And when the baby comes, you are going to name him Jesus, right." Joseph, "What do I look like, a Puerto Rican?!"

659-
The 1st Kamikaze pilot is called in to the General's office, and the news is broken to him:
General: You have been chosen to be the 1st Kamikaze pilot in the war.
Pilot: Yes Sir!
General: Your job is to pick out our fastest plane.
Pilot: Yes Sir!
General: You will fly plane toward American fleet.
Pilot: Yes Sir!
General: You will take plane to altitude of 30,000 feet.
Pilot: Yes Sir!
General: You will take plane into tailspin toward American battleship, fly down tubes of American battleship, and blow to bits for the glory of Japan.
Pilot: Yes Sir!
General: You got any questions?
Pilot: One Question, Sir.
General: Question granted.
Pilot: Are you out of your fucking mind?

660-
Impolite Things to Say at a Wake or Funeral
* Of course you'll miss him, his credit cards ain't good no more.
* It's weird not seeing him drunk.
* Isn't that wool suit gonna be a little warm for Hell?
* Where did you get that ugly dress you burying her in, the green box?
* So now that you're a widower, whose going to keep your bed warm?
* I was there when he died, he was so mean the coroner ruled he died of natural causes even though he had two bullet holes in back of his head.
* Now that you are single again lets go visit them Johnson girls.
* When you get that big insurance check how about giving me the $200 you owe me!
* Man, you sure had them put that casket deep in the ground.
* Hey dude, throw them flowers in the hole too!
* First funeral I ever attended and the husband was at a Clemson/ USC football game.
* Son, Go look in the casket and see if that is your Mama, who that preacher is talking about!
* Whose idea was it to order 9 yds of concrete to cover that casket..his ex-wife?
* So, what are you gonna do with his autographed NASCAR collectibles?

661-
I worked at a Girl Scout camp in rural Wisconsin for one pretty miserable summer. We stayed up until 2 am trying to get things cleaned up and ready for the next day, and woke up at 5:30am for more of the same.
One day the horses had gotten out of the pasture. We spent until 4am rounding them up. Just as my tired head hit the pillow in my army surplus platform tent, I heard a tiny crystal clear voice: "Wake up! There's a spider in my tent!"
Masking my exasperation, I mumbled, "Is it a daddy longlegs, honey?"
"Noooo...", she said in a hushed and reverent tone. So, I got my spider hunting kit- a plastic watercup and a clipboard, and followed her to her tent.
For you see, I tried very hard to instil a love of even the most unfriendly looking natural beings in my campers. We were living in their backyards, and so should not fear the spiders, or the centipedes, or the bats, but love them and appreciate their place in the great mandala of life. You know, the whole Lion King deal. My standard operating procedure for spiders was to name them, catch them under the cup, and release them to their spidery duties of catching mosquitoes.
At any rate, my love for the natural world was waning as I followed this little Botticelli angel of a child through the waxing dawn. Her tent mates were crouched fearfully outside the tent as I strode confidently, bravely, tiredly up the creaky wooden steps. When the first few beams of my flashlight revealed nothing, I went back out side and told them, "The spider went home guys, he's not there anymore. You should all go to sleep now."
"I don't think he'd just leave," quavered out the cherub. "So show me where he is," I said, not just a little frustrated. "I can't find him anywhere!" She took my flashlight and immediately spotted the biggest, hairiest, grossest wolf spider I'd ever seen. It was the size of my fist- easily outstripping the spider catching cups capabilities.
Taking a quick breath for courage, buying time, trying to remember my love for nature and everything living, I turned to the mite and asked, "So... What's his name?"
She put her chubby hands to her little hips and looked me square in the eye.... "That there is Franco the Fucking Big Spider and I want him the HELL out of my tent!"
What could I do? I poked the wall of the tent until Franco got tired, flipped me the bird, and left.
I had 4 little girls on the floor of my tent for a week.

662-
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says, again, "Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing." She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

663-
How to change a duvet cover without looking like a complete idiot by Guy Browning
Changing a duvet cover is the equivalent of an intermediate course of yoga and a six-kilometer run. Mentally, it's the equivalent of attempting to parallel park in three dimensions.
Something odd happens when the duvet comes into contact with the cover - it loses all its corners. Once you've finally got hold of one corner you can pass the entire duvet through your hands and never find another.
The chimney sweep method is where you take two small children, give them a corner of the duvet each and send them into the cover. View their progress from the outside and then turn their favourite video on when they have reached the corners. Button up the duvet cover and then shake it down, checking that there are no remaining children inside.
The condom method is where you make sure the cover is rolled up and the duvet is fully stretched out. Then roll the cover down the outside of the duvet and button up at the bottom. This method, practiced every night, is itself an effective method of contraception.
The spinnaker method is very effective, especially for tall people. Pull the cover over your head and stretch it out like a big sail. Then walk carefully around the room until you have located your duvet. Without letting go of the cover corners, bend down and pick up the duvet with your teeth. Stand up, pulling the duvet up with you. Use one arm at a time to locate corners. Finally, fall face forward on to the bed and wriggle out of the cover, leaving the duvet inside.
Men have come up with an ingenious way of solving the duvet-changing problem. They leave it on. When things get really bad, they move house.

664-
Pepsi proceeded to build factories in many of the former Soviet states way before it's great rival, Coca-Cola Company got on the market there. 
So, when Coca-Cola opened their first factory in Georgia, the company decided to promote it as much as they could. Thus they proceeded to invite Eduard Shevarnadze, the president of the country for the celebration, and he agreed to be there. 
The great day came, the first bottle of Coke was about to roll off from the assembly line, the president of the country, the national TV channel's cameras and reporters were all there. 
The first bottle arrives, they open it, and hand it to Mr. Shevarnadze. He picks it up, sips some, with the whole country watching, and with a smile which cheers the heart of Coke's marketing manager he says "Great taste ... just like Pepsi!"

665-
NEW RULES FOR 2007:

New Rule: Stop giving me that ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis .

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

666-
Lawrence and Monty are in the jewellery business but they are not doing at all well. So much so that one day, Lawrence says, "We’re going into a new business and we’re going to make a fortune." 
"What new business?" asks Monty. 
"We’re going into washing powders," replies Lawrence. 
"Washing powders?" says Monty, looking very puzzled, "what do we know from washing powders?" 
"Listen, you shmuck," says Lawrence, "it’s easy. We buy crates and crates of the powder from a wholesaler for next to nothing and put it into little cardboard boxes. Then we sell the boxes for £1.99 each and soon we’ll be rich." 
"No, you listen to me," says Monty. "We’ll need to advertise the boxes and that will cost us a fortune." 
"OK, so let’s advertise. What’s the problem? I’ve already though of it. We can even advertise on TV," says Lawrence. 
"Bollocks," says Monty, "We’ll also need to hire a well known publicity agent and he’ll cost us a lot of gelt to come up with a suitable product name." 
"But I’ve already thought of a good name," says Lawrence. 
"OK clever clogs," says Monty, "what name do you have?" 
"We’ll call it FUCK WASHING POWDER," replies Lawrence. 
"What rubbish," says Monty, "how can anyone come up with a slogan for a product with the name of FUCK WASHING POWDER?" 
"But I’ve already thought of a slogan," says Lawrence. 
"OK wise guy," says Monty, "let’s hear your slogan." 
"Right," says Lawrence. "IF OMO DOESN’T WASH YOUR WHITES WHITER, AND PERSIL DOESN’T MAKE YOUR COLOURS BRIGHTER, THEN FUCKIT." 

667-
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

668-
There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."

669-
Many of us (those over 50, WAY over 50 or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
A nose ring and bifocals
Spiked hair and bald spots
A pierced tongue and dentures
Miniskirts and support hose
Ankle bracelets and corn pads
Speedo's and cellulite
A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
Bikinis and liver spots
Short shorts and varicose veins
Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least . . . . .
Thongs and Depends

670-
A Week At The Gym: One Man's Story...
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary: For my 38th birthday this year, my friend Werner purchased a week of personal training at the Virgin health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing for my varsity rugby team 18yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
Werner seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a moped in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
Thursday: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
Friday: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading biitch . If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if she didn’t want dents in the floor, she shouldn’t have handed me the fucking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, Werner (the twat), will choose a gift for me that is fun –like a root canal or a vasectomy!!

671-
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head thingyed to one side as if to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!@&$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and a tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-*&^%* that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock.

672-
In a small Irish village, as was the ancient custom, a matchmaker was often employed to arrange marriages.
-One sunny day the village matchmaker approached one of the more attractive single woman in the marketplace and told her he had a husband for her.
"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample."
The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask me, a virtuous woman? What kind of a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman. "
The matchmaker, trying to earn his fee, explained, "No Mr. O'Brien is a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. To him, it's not a big deal... just a sample."
The woman thought for a moment, now that she knew the man in question was quite wealthy and would be a good catch. "He's a business man? So tell him I don't give samples. If he's a business man and still interested, I can give him 10 or 12 references."

673-
Thorn was trying real hard to get the best-looking cheerleader in school to go out on a date with him. She finally agreed, but only on condition that he arrange a date for her best friend too. That was fine with Thorn, but when Friday night came around he hadn't been able to line anyone up so he asked his retarded brother Futhman if he would help him out. "Why sure," said Futhman, "but you know, I've never been out with a girl before."
"No problem," said Thorn. "Just do everything I do."
Off the four of them go to the drive-in, and when Thorn started kissing his date, Futhman followed suit. Soon Thorn had the cheerleader's bra undone, so Futhman undid his date's. Next, Thorn was feeling inside her panties, but when Futhman tried to follow suit, his date told him to quit.
"Why?" asked Futhman, anxiously noting that his brother was getting quite a head start in the front seat.
"I have my period," she said.
"You're what?"
"I'm bleeding down there," she explained, blushing.
"This I gotta see," said Futhman. He turned on the headlights, dragged his date out in front of the car, and pulled down her pants. White-faced, he said, "Hell, I'd be bleeding too, if my dick were chopped off!"

674-
Chuck was always shy with girls. One evening, he got his best friend, Bob, to go with him to a singles bar. Bob, being very experienced, was supposed to help Chuck in his quest for female companionship, and sexual companionship.
One sweet young thing in the room noticed Chuck, thought he was cute, and decided to make contact with him. Since she was a little shy, she could not just go up to him, but had to use gestures.
"Bob," Chuck said. "That girl over there is giving me the eye. What should I do?"
"Give her the eye back," replied Bob. So Chuck, as best as he could, gave her the eye. A few moments passed.
"Bob," said Chuck, now getting rather excited. "She's smiling at me. What do I do?"
"Smile back," was the reply. So Chuck, trying to appear cool and calm, smiled back. A few more moments passed.
"Bob! ! I" exclaimed Chuck. "My God. She bent over and showed me her tits. Now what do I do?"
"Show her your nuts," Bob calmly replied.
So Chuck turned toward the girl, stuck his thumbs in his ears, and waving his fingers stuck out his tongue, and wiggling it, exclaimed, "Blubble, blubble, blubble!"

675-
A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In fact he had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow. With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a good venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the local TV station to speak with the advertising manager.
The farmer said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans..."
The sales manager said, "OK, OK, I get the message. And what would you be able to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?"
The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly, "I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks."
"$300?" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind!!! The current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl! For example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!"
The farmer very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right. But those people are out for blood. I'm just farting around."

676-
The Fart Chart
1.. AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart
2.. AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts
3.. ANTI-SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private
4.. AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes
5.. ATHLETIC : Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3 times
6.. BEWILDERED : Can't tell his own fart from others
7.. BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others
8.. CARELESS : Farts in church
9.. CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles
10.. CLEVER : Farts and coughs at the same time
11.. CONCEITED : Thinks he can fart the loudest
12.. CONFUSED : Face is so much like an ass, fart can't tell which way to go
13.. CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating
14.. DAMNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's head
15.. DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog
16.. DISAPPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell
17.. DUMB : Enjoys other farts, thinks they are his own
18.. ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about the pollution
19.. FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours
20.. FRESH GUY : Jumps in front of you and then farts
21.. GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies fart
22.. HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason
23.. IMPUDENT : Farts out aloud and then laughs
24.. LAZY : Just fizzles
25.. MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles
26.. MISERABLE : Can't fart at all
27.. MUSICAL : Tenor or Bass, Clear as a bell, smells like shit and sounds like hell
28.. NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a fart
29.. PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant
30.. SADIST : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers
31.. SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his farts
32.. SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying
33.. SHY : Blushes when he farts silently
34.. SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear
35.. SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present
36.. SNEAKY : Farts and blames it on the dog
37.. STINGY : Belches to save his ass-hole
38.. STRATEGIC : Conceals his fart by loud laughter
39.. THRIFTY : One who always has farts in reserve
40.. TIMID : Jumps when he farts
41.. UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart but shits himself
42.. VAIN PERSON : One who loves the smell of his own fart
43.. WIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion
44.. WISE GUY : Farts and asks who shit

677-
A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest. A book, with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want." So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.
"Chapter 1 The First Date."
So, he glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a friend whom he's wanted to ask out for quite a while.
When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She answers, "Hello?" He says, "Hi, Jessica? It's me. Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"
She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.
He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?" She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"
"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should have finished eating by then!"

678-
A man walks into a bar after a long ride on his horse. He walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. When he gets his beer, he starts eyeing this beautiful lady in the corner. Just as he turns back, a monkey runs up to the beer, dunks his balls in the beer and runs off. 
Agitated, the man says to the bartender, "I can't drink this now! Give me another beer!" So, the bartender brings him another beer. Before the man could do anything about it, the monkey ran back over, dunked his balls in the beer and ran off before the man could grab him. Even more angry, the man says, "I can't drink this now. Bring me another beer!" He gets another beer and guards it with his life. The monkey sneaks up behind him, knocks the stool out from underneath the man, hops up onto the bar and dunks his balls in the beer. Now the man is thoroughly pissed. He grabs the bartender and says, "Man, I've had it. Whose stupid monkey is this anyway?" 
The bartender replied, "It belongs to the piano player." 
The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Excuse me, do you know your monkey is dunking his balls in my beer?" 
To this the piano player replies, "No, I sure don't, but if you hum a few notes, I'll fake it." 

679-
The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix. The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean. One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition. The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to ask ONE question!
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.
The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

680-
Ibn Saud ben Alekh, a respectable and dignified merchant, was attending a camel auction in the main square when he was overcome by the most terrible intestinal cramps. Finally, unable to contain himself, he let out a giant fart, which was so noisy and so pungent that the people around him looked aghast and stepped back in a circle.
Overcome with shame, Ibn Saud went straight home, packed, and turned his back on his birthplace. For many years he led a nomadic life, wandering from town to town, but as old age approached, so did the longing to return to his hometown. By this time he was aged and stooped, his hair and beard long and grey. He was confident that no one would recognize him and link him to that mortifying moment.
So he returned to the town and headed straight for the main square, where he immediately noticed that the mosque now boasted a spectacular turquoise and gold-leaf facade. Turning to the passerby, he commented on the magnificent mural. "Peace to you, my son," greeted the old man, "can you tell me when it was completed?"
"Let me think," replied the man. "Yes, that would be seven years, five months, and twenty-two days after Ibn Saud ben Alekh cut that big fart in the square."

681-
An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy," and that's why I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." "Have a glass of vino, and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"
"Who said my Dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?" "He's still akick'n."
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"

682-
Top 11 Worst Things To Say At A Funeral..........
11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll liven things up!
10) Hey! Did I just see the dead guy move?
9) Hey, this is the first time Grandpa's been stiff in twenty years!
8) The sonofabitch is lucky he's dead. He still owes me twenty bucks!
7) (to children) Be quiet or we'll bury you with him.
6) I'll trade you the clock I inherited for the golf clubs you inherited.
5) I don't really know him/her. I'm just here for the free food afterwards.
4) It's about time. I was getting sick of her whining.
3) Is this service over yet? I'm gonna miss the hockey game.
2) (to Pastor performing service) So, this is what your God does, eh? Kill people and break up families? Tell me... Why do you continue to worship him? He sounds like an asshole.
1) (to widow) Well, you're officially single now. Whatcha doin' Friday night?

683-
One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!" Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. 
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid..... a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points". 
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks". 
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer printed the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet 
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant - Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better
Thank you for shopping at Tesco

684-
What To Do With 1000 Bras ~ Thanks to you, scarecrows nationwide will now get in touch with their feminine side.
~ At Halloween: "Here's a piece of candy for you, and a little something for your Mum."
~ You and 999 of your cross-dressing friends smuggle 2,000 cantaloupes out of the Piggly Wiggly.
~ Make 2000 lacy yarmulkes with safety chinstraps.
~ Dump them in a pile. Remove clothes.  "Donate them to a women's shelter."
~ Stitch them together, tie them between two trees, and use them as a launch vehicle for the National Missile Defence System. Twice as effective than the one they're testing now!
~ Get 1000 mannequins and start practicing.
~ Creative wallpapering for the "Hobbies and Recreational Activities" wing of the Clinton Presidential Library.
~ Time to re-stock the J. Edgar Hoover Museum gift shop!
~ "999 bras on the wall, 999 bras. Take one down and pass it around, 998 bras on the wall..."
~ Put a check beside "Phase I" of your plan to build 1,000 Britney Spears robots.
~ Bury Tom Jones once and for all.
~ Pick out the largest and start looking for Cinderella.
~ Position friend atop skyscraper with bras.
~ Do "Native American Lingerie Dance" on sidewalk until large crowd gathers.
~ Give the secret signal and wait for hilarity to ensue.
~ Hold them hostage until bra-less Victoria's Secret models storm your house to get them -- and since you're dreaming anyway, they'll bring beer.

685-
An old sea captain, and a little guy who played the fiddle, were arguing about women.
The old sea captain tells the little fiddle player that women can't be trusted, and they will not be faithful under any circumstances.
The little fiddle player said well he bet his wife would not do anything like that.
So, the old sea captain said he would bet his ship and cargo against the fiddler player's violin that she would be unfaithful.
The fiddle player took the bet, and invited the sea captain over to his house, and sent the two of them into the bedroom while he waited outside the door.
A half hour went by and he heard nothing from his wife, so he started singing to the tune of Auld Lang Sine:
Be true, my love, be true my love, It's only for an hour. Don't screw, my love, don't screw, my love, And the ship and cargo's ours.
She sang back to him:
Too late, my love, too late, my love, He's got me round the middle, He's screwed me once, he'll do it twice, And you've lost your damned old fiddle!!!

686-
Pick-up Lines
- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted?
- For the longest time I lived with a hairdresser named Bruce, but then I had this sudden relapse of heterosexuality.
- When we get back to my apartment, whatever you do, don't tease the pony.
- You know, if my wife wasn't so hung up on this faithfulness thing, she'd probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet.
- You can trust me, I'm a lawyer.
- I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a coat-hanger to the metal plate in my head and was using it as antenna to read my thoughts.
- No, really, I read Playboy for the articles.
- My most painful memory? Hmmm... That would have to be when those three guys cornered me in the showers in prison.
- Who can blame Woody Allen?
- After our last date, when I got home I had this aching in the pit of my stomach. I thought it was because I missed you, but it turned out to be food poisoning.
- I'm not free Sunday. I'm going to help OJ look for the real killer.
- How about after dinner we take a romantic stroll by the oil refinery? The fumes will give you a really cool buzz.
- Now I'm just speaking hypothetically here, but let's say you were at some guy's house, opened the refrigerator, and saw a human head. Would you call the cops?
- I was thinking tonight we'd go to a French restaurant. Have you ever been to Jacques En Ze Box?
- I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn't get into med school, so now I just pursue gynaecology as a hobby. I even have my own stirrups.

687-
A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Builders Warehouse customers.
Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping.
Simply going out to get hardware supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the car.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Builders Warehouse.
You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

688-
Izzy is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter.
Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Izzy goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him.
After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."
"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!"

689-
WHY EMAIL IS LIKE A PENIS
1. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
2. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
3. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
4. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "Email Envy."
5. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
7. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
8. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
9. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
10. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
11. If you play with it too much, you go blind.

690-
There once was a young sailor who couldn't resist a bet. He would make a bet on anything and he would always win. His shipmates were continually losing their money to him, making them very irritated. The Captain decided to have the boy transferred to another ship. The next day the boy was transferred, and less than fifteen minutes after boarding the ship, the boy addressed his new Captain and bet him 50 dollars he had haemorrhoids. The new Captain had just gotten a physical and knew there was no way he could have haemorrhoids, so he agreed to the bet. The boy told his new Captain to drop his drawers and bend over. The Captain did so, and when he bent over, the boy shoved a broomstick up the Captain's ass. The sailor found no haemorrhoids and paid the Captain 50 bucks. The new Captain thought this was great and wanted to call the boy's old Captain and tell him. When he got the old Captain on the phone he told him he had just taken 50 dollars from the boy. The old Captain replied, "How?" "Well," explained the Captain, "he bet me I had haemorrhoids. I knew I didn't so I bet him. He told me to drop my drawers and bend over. When I did, he shoved a broomstick up my ass. Hey, no haemorrhoids. Fifty bucks I won." The old Captain shouted, "That son-of-a-bitch! Before he left here he bet me 500 dollars that within an hour he would have a broomstick shoved up your ass!"

691-
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1970. 
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who me?
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no - not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." 
Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

692-
Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly, madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room. The night passed uneventfully. The next morning, Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at the desk.
"Morning, madam. Sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional-- I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though; they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh. Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"Ok, I will. Thanks!" replied Mary. She then checked out, paused awhile, and scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is:
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

693-
One night, the waitress in a bar was a bit unsettled that a strange looking man who sat quietly drinking at the bar always seemed to be looking at her intently. Finally, he got up enough nerve to speak to her.
"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I do hope you don't mind my looking at you."
She told him she would rather he didn't look so hard and that she didn't consider herself that special.
"Well, you see I am from a far away planet, sent here to observe some things here and I have to go back tonight. So you see, I really haven't seen anyone like you before. Please just let me look."
So she said ok, although she thought he was a little nuts. He did mind his manners, didn't get drunk, and just sat quietly looking.
When it was time to close the bar, he prepared to leave, then walked back to the waitress.
"I know this is strange, but would you please let me see your tits? I've never seen anything like this and it would mean so very much to me if I could go home and tell the guys all about you."
Since everyone but the owner had left and he was in the back room, she finally gave in and unbuttoned her blouse and pulled her tits out of her bra.
"Oh my goodness, that is wonderful! Thank you! Thank you! You don't know how much this means to me!" When she started to gather her clothes around her again, he asked shyly, "Please, please, let me just touch your tits. It would mean so much to me to be able to tell all the guys about how wonderful you are."
After a little consideration, she allowed him to touch. He was very gentle and she was beginning to get stirred up by this alien. Then he asked her if she would allow him to make love to her.
Since she was beginning to fancy that notion, she agreed right away. To her surprise, however, he placed his right forefinger in the middle of her forehead quite firmly. As he did so, she could see the passion on his face and he called out, "Aah, ahh, aaaahhhhh."
Then he took his finger from her forehead. Astonished, she asked him if he'd like to do it again.
Looking at his curled up forefinger, he replied, "Yes, but I'll have to wait a little while."

694-
Sex - The Mob Way
Other than the rule about certain sexual acts being unmanly, the #1 rule about having sex is pretty simple: -- Your partner should be alive and, at least 50% of the time, awake.
Do You Have What It Takes To Be A Mob Lover?
1. During sex you usually a. Scream out your partners name b. Plead the Fifth Amendment c. Scream out your own name
2. Sex is best a. With the lights on b. With the lights off c. With the dashboard lights on
3. If your partner pulls a Nelson Rockefeller and dies while in the saddle, your immediate reaction is to a. Scream and roll off b. Call 911 c. Finish
4. Your lover suggests something innovative, like handcuffs. Your reaction is to: a. Try it, you might like it b. Announce politely that handcuffs are not your thing c. Wonder how you can use the TV remote during sex if you are handcuffed
5. Your partners are usually a. Blonde b. Brunette c. Inflatable
6. After sex you a. Think about how long until you can make love again b. Hang up on the phone sex operator c. Thank the priest 

Give yourself 3 points for every time you answered "a" Give yourself 1 point for every time you answered "b" If you answered "c" more than twice, just kill yourself, because you are a sick loser.

Scoring
12-18 points: Last of the red hot mob lovers.
10-11 points: A good mob lover
7-9 points: You're no Johnny Stompanato; if you're planning to stay in the mob, you better carry a rolled up sock in your pants.
4-6 points: If you make love like this, you shouldn't be in the mob, you should be in a cemetery.