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Marriage 2

276-
An elderly couple were out in the garden, sitting side-by side in their rocking chairs, gently moving back and forth and enjoying the sunshine. Suddenly the woman whacked her husband as hard as she could, knocking him right off his chair. Surprised and disorientated he said: "Now why did you do that?" and she replied: "That was for 50 years of horrible sex!" So he sat back down and thought about it for a while. Shortly afterwards another loud whack was heard, but this time the wife fell out of her chair, got back up again and demanded: "What was that for?" He replied: "That was for knowing the difference!" 

277-
An angry husband was complaining to his friend about his slovenly wife. "She never does any housework, I never get a cooked meal, everything's dirty, including her. I'm so fed up I sleep on my own and I wish she was dead."
The friend suggested that he try killing her with sex. It wasn't an offence, after all. So the man returned home, dragged his wife upstairs and kept her there the whole weekend.
By the time Monday morning came he could hardly drag himself to work, but when he came home that night the house was spotless, a steak was cooking and she was standing there with a sexy see-through nightie on.
"You see, darling," she said. "Treat me right and I'll treat you right."

278-
A woman walks into the bedroom and says to her husband, "Honey, I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world!" 
Replies the husband, "Really! Where are you going?"

279-
Divorce-US style
A hillbilly farmer who wanted a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said: "How can I help you?"
The farmer said: "I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The lawyer said: "Do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said: "Yes, I got 40 acres."
The lawyer said: "No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?"
The farmer said: "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."
The lawyer said: "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"
The farmer said: "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere."
The lawyer said: "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said: "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere."
The lawyer said: "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The farmer said: "No, we both get up at 4:30."
The lawyer said: "Is your wife a nagger?"
The farmer said: "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce." 

280-
The bride-to-be and her best friend were discussing her impending wedding.
"If you want an unforgettable wedding night," her friend said, "get him to eat a dozen oysters after the ceremony."
A week after, the new bride thanked her friend but said plaintively, "Only eight of the oysters worked."

281-
Husband suspects wife is cheating, tactfully he asks: Honey, I think I'm playing second fiddle. 
Wife: With a flute like yours you are lucky to be in the band! 

282-
Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together for their honeymoon, to stay a t the same hotel in Venice, door to door. The next morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath of fresh air. 
"So, how was it going last night? C'mon, tell me! How's your wife?" 
"Uhh, fine I guess, she's lying on the bed smoking." 
"Jesus! My wife just got a bit sore..." 

283-
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!

284-
Wife to husband: "Geezuz! I come home with a little cum in my hair and right away you jump to conclusions.

285-
Naomi is out shopping in Waitrose supermarket in Brent Cross. As she goes down the aisles putting things into her trolley, she hums and sings to herself. She is still singing as she reaches the check out desk. 
"My, you seem to be happy today," says the cashier. 
"Yes I am," replies Naomi, "and I have every reason to be. I've got a beautiful house in Mayfair, I’ve three handsome sons, all doctors, my bank account is extremely healthy and my husband Abe's life is insured for £5M." 
"I’m glad to hear it," says the cashier. 
"Yes, and that’s not all," says Naomi, "my Abe is not in the best of health." 

286-
Lionel takes Freda to their doctor for a check-up. After the doctor finishes examining Freda, he takes Lionel aside and says, "I don't like the look of your wife at all." 
"I don’t either, doctor," says Lionel, "but she's really very good with the children and she’s a great cook." 

287-
A woman wakes up at about 3 in the morning to find her husband not in bed. She gets up, puts on her robe, and goes downstairs to investigate. She sees her husband sitting on the couch in the living room with a cup of coffee, apparently deep in thought. She asks, "What are you doing up at this time of the night?" He replies, "Well, I was just remembering and thinking. Do you remember when we were first dating 20 years ago, and you were only 16?" "Yes, I do," she replied. Her husband continued, "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, and starting yelling and screaming? He told me either to marry you or spend the next 20 years in jail." "Yes, I remember," the wife answered. "Well, I was just thinking to myself, as of today I'd have been a free man."

288-
Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other:
"If I ask you a question, would you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow. "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"

289-
The aircraft carrier U. S. S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up to the pier at homeport when the Captain of the ship noticed a sailor on the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore flags. He then noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station wagon, also waving semaphore flags. Always concerned about security and never having seen something like this, the Captain barked at his Bridge Signalman, "What message are those two people sending?" The Signalman concentrated intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT." Not having any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain dispatched an armed Marine to escort the sailor back to the Bridge. The sailor arrived, out of breath from running up the many ladders to the bridge, and saluted smartly. "Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered, sir!" "Seaman", shouted the Captain, "Who is that woman on the pier and why are you exchanging signals FF and EF?" "Sir, that's my wife, Sir, and she wants to eat first!"

290-
A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "This is the pig I've been shagging".
His wife said "That's not a pig it's a duck!"
Man says "I was talking to the duck!"

291-
Man says to wife I fancy kinky sex, how bout I cum in your ear ? 
Wife says "No I might go deaf". 
Man says "I've been cumming in your mouth for 20yrs and you're still fucking talking.

292-
Philip staggered into the house at two o'clock in the morning. As he entered his bedroom, he found another man in bed with his wife, Tina. 
Tina pushed the man off her and demanded to know where Philip had been until two o'clock in the morning. 
Philip looked at his wife's lover and demanded, "Who in the hell is this guy, and what is he doing in bed with you?" 
The wife responded, "Don't go changing the subject! Where in the hell have you been so late?"

293-
Door bell rings. The man from next door says he needs help. His wife is having a seizure. Next door on the floor the wife is naked and thrashing about wildly. The man says help me hold her down. Once the wife's limbs are pinned the man rips off his clothes. "When I climb on let her loose!"

294-
It was their 50th wedding anniversary and the elderly couple, in their
70's, decided to relive the honeymoon . When they arrived at the hotel where they had stayed that first night they found the lobby full of people. They made there way up to the desk and were informed that there was a convention in town. Luckily they had made a reservation in advance requesting the same room. They went up to the room, unpacked, then went down into the dining room and had a fine meal, ordering the same food and wine and after dining returned to their room. The husband, as he had done before, ordered champagne from room service. As they were preparing for bed the wife, slightly intoxicated said, "Honey, remember our first night? You stood by the door, I stood over by the window, and we ran to each other and I jumped up right into your arms."
"How can I forget," he said, "you looked so beautiful."
"Let's do it that way again."
"No way," he said, "we're to old for that foolishness now,"
"Nonsense." she replied, backing up to the window.
"O. K." he said, "why not?" They took off all their clothes, she hollered go, and they ran at each other. and missed. She hit the door with a bang, and he went flying out the window. As luck would have it, the room was only on the second floor and the old man landed in a dumpster full of cardboard boxes. He was shaken up a bit, but unhurt. He began looking around to see what he could find to cover himself with. There was nothing. Just then a bellhop came around the corner. He called him over and asked him to get a robe or a towel, anything so he could get back to his room.
The bellhop said, 'Come with me now and I'll take you through the lobby."
"The lobby!" he said, "It's crowded with people and I'm naked."
"No problem," said the bellhop, there's no one in the lobby. If we hurry no one will see you."
The old man said, "Where did all the people go?"
The bellhop answered, "Oh, there all up on the second floor watching the hotel doctor try to pry some old lady off a doorknob.

295-
A man wearing a dirty raincoat sidled up to a businessman on the street corner and asked, "Got any pictures of your wife naked?"
"Certainly not!" huffed the businessman.
The other man inquired, "Wanna buy some?"

296-
One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner. 
He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her, "Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me." 
Satisfied with his "ingenious" remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten. 
The next day, he comes home and greets his wife. 
When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious foods. 
Shaken, he asks his wife where she got the money. 
She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher."

297-
A married couple was having dinner and the conversation got around to transplants and artificial body parts. They'll make an artificial dick next," the wife said.
"Bullshit!" replied the husband, "There are somethings you can't make -besides, what would you make it from?"
"Iron," she told him.
"Don't be stupid, woman. It'd rust."
"Ok, brass then," she insisted.
"That's bloody ridiculous," scoffed the husband. "Men would never be able to keep it clean."
"Rubbish!" she told him. "I've watched you polish yours while watching porno videos for years!"

298-
What's long and hard for a man?
Marriage

299-
Scott was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a brothel. 
"You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said, "It's actually really romantic." 
"Oh, yeah?" responded Scott. "Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids and she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the madame wouldn't give me my money back and refused to give me another girl."

300-
A man comes home from work one day and finds his wife in bed with a midget. Fuming, he storms at her, "I thought you said you'd never cheat on me again!"
"I meant it, too," she replied. Pointing to the midget, she said, "Can't you see I'm tapering off!"

301-
There was this guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies. His wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her "ladies" in for bridge etc. 
This one night she didn't want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, as long as he didn't come in and make another scene. 
Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches and she was infuriated at his early return home. 
"You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed", she told him. 
"Oh, relax," says her husband, "I'll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I'll be gone." 
"Just keep your mouth shut", she says again. 
Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone. 
She 'flipped' and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said, "wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story." 
"I came in here, sat down and said good evening to the ladies and they carried on. One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, Who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?"

302-
Abe was very fussy with his money and always, regular as clockwork, went through his wife Sadie’s chequebook each month to see where their money was going. He always wanted to see everything balance to the exact penny. This month, as in previous months, Sadie’s figures are hard to reconcile and tired of having to spend so much time on her inaccuracies, Abe makes her agree to spend some time putting her figures into shape before he devotes any more time on them. 
After spending hours poring over her paperwork, Sadie looks up and says, "Well, Abe, you should be proud of me. I've done it – I’ve made it balance." 
So Abe goes over to take a look. "OK, let's see what you’ve done." 
On her worksheet he sees a long list of items starting with Mortgage £1,550.00; Electricity £70.50; Gas £150.75; Telephones £350.22; Private Medical Insurance £5,900.50; Kosher butcher £350.99; and ending with ESP £109.01. Puzzled by the last entry, Abe says, "What on earth is ESP, Sadie?" 
"That’s easy," replies Sadie, "It stands for, Error Some Place!" 

303-
A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he said. "I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that, genius?" she asked sarcastically.
"It wasn't easy, honest," he told her. "I had to fold with a royal flush."

304-
An old man and his wife go boating on the river one day. When they reach a fork in the river, the man asks his wife "Up or down".
His wife immediately takes off all her clothes and they spend the rest of the afternoon making love in the boat.
The next week they again go boating on the river. When they reach the fork in the river, the man again asks his wife "Up or down". But this time she merely answers "Down".
Puzzled, the man asks her why she took off all her clothes and made love to him when he asked her the same question before.
She replies that last week she wasn't wearing her hearing aid and thought he said "fuck or drown".

305-
A man was making love to his wife and he exclaimed, "I will love you to death!"
The following night they again were beginning to making love and he shouted"I'll love you till you scream!!"
After he had done the same thing the third night, his wife pulled a feather out of the pillow and began tapping him on the head with it.
"What are you doing?" demanded the husband.
"Comparatively speaking, I'm pounding your brains out" she replied.

306-
A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. 
She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"

307-
Is your husband this considerate ?
It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice they should try not to yell at their spouses.
My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handle the situation with my wife, Sharon.
When I took "early retirement" in May, it became necessary for Sharon to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we needed. It was shortly after she started working more that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from golf or fishing about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half hour or so before she starts dinner. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get dinner on the table.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. Now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening; I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but, unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.
This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things, like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, If I had a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
Sharon is starting to complain a little, occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that, missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, and then take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sharon on a daily basis. I'm not saying that my ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult... Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do, how frustrating women can become, as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
Signed, Bob
**** Bob's funeral was on Saturday, January 25th. ****
**** Nancy was acquitted Monday, January 27th. ****

308-
Bob walked into the bedroom to find his wife rolling in the hay with another man.
"What in the name of God is going on? Who is this man?"
His wife thought for a moment, then said, "That's a fair question." She turned to the other man and asked, "What IS your name?"

309-
Mothers-in-law 
A man takes his dog to the vet and asks him to cut its tail off. 
The vet can find nothing wrong with the dog's tail so asks the man why. 
He replies: “My mother-in-law is coming to visit and I don't want anything in the house to make her think she's welcome.” 

The definition of mixed emotions is seeing your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new car.

I haven¹t spoken to my mother- in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. 

My father-in-law was out driving when he was pulled over by a policeman, who informed him: “Your wife fell out of the car five miles back.” My father-in-law replied: “Thank God for that. I thought I'd gone deaf.” 

Q: How do you stop your mother-in-law from drowning? 
A: Take your foot off her head. 

Q: What's the difference between a dead mother-in-law lying in the middle of the road and a dead snake lying in the middle of the road? 
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake. 

I¹m trying to get my mother-in- law to go ice-skating before the ice gets too thick. 

A rag and bone man came to my mother-in-law's house and asked if she could spare him any old beer bottles. She replied: “Do I look as if I drink beer?” He replied: “Sorry love, I suppose not. Got any old vinegar bottles then...?”

Q: Why do they bury mothers-in-law 18ft down when everyone else is buried six feet under? 
A: Because, deep down, they really are very nice people. 

Q: Why would you rather deal with a vicious dog than your mother-in-law? 
A: A vicious dog eventually lets go.

A man finds a lamp, rubs it and sure enough a genie appears. The genie tells the man he will grant him two wishes, but there is a catch. Whatever is granted to him will be granted doubly to his mother-in-law. The man thinks for a while and then proclaims: “First, grant me a million pounds. Secondly, beat me half to death!”

Q: What are the two worst things about your mother-in-law? 
A: Her faces. 

A man was told by his doctor that he had only six months to live. He decided to move in with his mother-in-law, because he knew that living with her for six months would seem like an eternity. 

A couple drove down a country road in the furious silence that follows a bad row. As they passed a pig farm, the wife sarcastically asked: “Relatives of yours?” “Yes,” said the husband. “In-laws.”
 
I always know when it's the mother-in-law knocking at the door - the mice throw them-selves in the traps. 

Q: What's the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture? 
A: The vulture waits until you are dead before it eats your heart out. 

A pharmacist tells a customer: “In order to buy arsenic, you need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.” 

Last night the local peeping tom knocked on my mother-in-law¹s door and asked her to close her curtains.

My mother-in-law asked me. “If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the mantelpiece?” 
I replied. “To keep the kids away from the fire.”

I bought my mother-in-law a chair for Christmas, but she won¹t plug it in.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before. All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty.
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need when I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

310-
Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. 
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. 
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband`s behaviour, and was particularly distraught by it all. 
The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don`t you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don`t you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." 
The wife thought that might be a good idea. 
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It`s pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don`t you think?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I`ll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"

311-
When they found out their wives were attending a sex-toy party, the husbands refused to go and pick them up, and instead left them to their own devices.

312-
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went fishing.

313-
"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months."
Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."

314-
A man and his wife were having some disagreements at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE...), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. On the paper was written; "It is 5:00 am. Wake up." 
Moral: Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. 
God may have created man before woman, but, hey, there always has to be a rough draft before a masterpiece.

315-
Three members of a weekly female bridge quartet were duly impressed when the fourth arrived wearing a gorgeous new mink coat.
"That's a lovely garment Dottie," purred one woman
"It must have cost you a fortune!"
"But it didn't," said Dottie, "just a single piece of ass."
"You mean," continued the admirer of the coat, "One that you gave your husband?"
"No," smiled the coat wearer, "One that he got from the maid."

316-
Q. How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
A. When her favourite sexual position is next door.

317-
After a few months of married life, the young husband comes home and tells his wife that they need to talk. 
"When we were going together," he says, "you were as a passionate as a man could want, and now you have become reserved, indifferent, even cold. You were always well-groomed and nicely dressed, and now you're still in your old pyjamas when I get home from work. You don't use any makeup. You've just let yourself go. Why this great change?" 
"Well, dear," she says, "look at it this way. When you go fishing and you catch a fish, you don't keep feeding it worms, do you?"

318-
Breakfast was a very late affair that day and the husband and wife were fragile indeed.... badly hung over from a particularly wild party the night before. 
Bleary eyed, with two trembling hands holding his very black coffee, our hero said to his wife, "Was it you I had sex with in the garden last night?" 
She struggled to bring him into focus. "About what time?" she replied.

319-
Isaac arrives home one afternoon and can’t see his Freda anywhere. So he shouts out, "Oh darling, my sweet honey bun, I’m home. Where are you?" 
He hears Freda reply from somewhere, "I’m hiding." 
So Isaac shouts out, "Oh darling, my sweetheart, I’ve got a lovely surprise for you. Where are you?" 
"Again he hears Freda reply, "I’m hiding." 
Isaac then shouts out, "Oh darling, my loved one, I’ve bought for you that diamond and platinum bracelet you’ve always wanted from Mappin & Webb. Where are you?" 
This time he hears Freda shout back, "I’m hiding - I’m hiding in the bedroom wardrobe." 

320-
Melvyn says to Howard, "My father is always advising me to find a girl who has the same belief as the family, and then marry her." 
"That advice wouldn’t work for me," says Howard. "Why would I want to marry a girl who thinks I'm a shmuck?" 

321-
A woman's husband dies, and while at the funeral home watching the mortician prepare her husband for final internment, she asked if he would cut off her husband's dick for her. 
The mortician thought this to be an odd request, but since it was her husband, he complied with her wishes and cut it off and gave it to her. 
She wrapped it up and took it home. When she got home, she pulled out a frying pan, threw some chopped onions, garlic, green peppers, and some butter into the pan, and started cutting up the dick. Her neighbour walked in at this point and saw what she was doing, and asked, "What are you doing with *that*??!!" 
The woman replied, "Hey, for 35 years I ate it his way, now I'm gonna eat it my way!"

322-
The hillbilly farmer finds his dorky son behind the barn pulling his puddin', and the old man exclaims, "Son, if'n you're old enough to do that-there, then you'n are old enough to be a-gittin' married."
The next day the farmer takes his son across the hollow and arranges a wedding between his boy and the neighbour's gormless daughter. The two are soon married and move in with the groom's father.
A few days after the ceremony, the farmer father comes around behind the barn and discovers his son hammering away at the mutton-dagger, just as before. The farmer's frustration clearly showed. "Son, I went and got you married so you'n wouldn't have to do that-there no more!"
The boy looked up with a frown. "But Shoot, pa! She's useless. She ain't got no grip at all ..."

323-
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Jill told her friend Nina.
Nina suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
"But what if my husband finds out?" asks Jill.
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Jill. Go ahead and tell him about it!" said Nina.
So Jill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said her husband. "I've tried that - it didn't work."

324-
Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. "Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" said Bert. 
Mabel's answer as expected was, "No Bert, it's only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize." 
The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says, "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow, I'll let you have a little feel of your prize."
It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself. Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, "I can see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize." 
Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, "Mabel, do you think it will keep 'til Saturday?"

325-
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling" he whispered. 
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." 
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." 
There's nothing to confess, replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's all right, go to sleep." 
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" 
I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, " now let the poison work." 

326-
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"
"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
"Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.
Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'
And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

327-
Mary lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Mary says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet. Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend at Mammoth.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?" She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him and asks: "What's with this ... a black condom?" He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

328-
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the damn car.

329-
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window. His wife yells, "That guy just fucked me twice!" He says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he fucked you once?" 
She says, "Because I thought it was you -- until he started the second time."

330-
John walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra. 
The pharmacist says "Do you have a prescription?"
John says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."

331-
A Bloke walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm...
His wife is in bed reading a book when the bloke says... 'This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache...'
His wife looks up from her book and replies... 'I think you'll find that's a SHEEP'
The bloke replies... 'I think you'll find I was TALKING to the sheep!!'

332-
Jim told his buddy, Bill, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently." 
Bill asked, "Oh? Why do you wonder about that?" 
Jim replied, "Well, somebody married my ex-wife this week!" 

333-
Doug brings his friend Bill home from work with him early one day. They come upstairs to find his wife, and there she is in bed with another man. Doug turns calmly away from the doorway and says to Bill, "Let's go downstairs and have a cup of coffee."
"Uh, okay," agrees Bill so they sit around the kitchen for the longest time, until finally Bill can't stand it anymore. "Doug," he blurts out, "what about the guy upstairs?"
"Fuck him," says Doug. "Let him make his own goddamn coffee."

334-
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbour. "Why on earth did you get married?"
"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

335-
The four newlyweds spent their honeymoon at Niagara Falls. They occupied adjoining rooms, sat at the same table, and were inseparable. One evening after dinner as they were returning to their rooms, there was lightning and the lights went off. It was pitch dark, and groping their way they made it to their rooms, and quietly undressed. Jack a religious fellow knelt to pray. Just as he completed his prayer, the lights came on that he saw that he was with his friend's wife. He jumped up and dashed for the door "Too late to hurry now," said the girl "Joe never prays!"

336-
There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. 
While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, ......"For crying out loud . . .don't you ever stop bitching ?"

337-
Drowsing contentedly after an afternoon of making love in bed, suddenly there's the sound of a car pulling up outside.
Dreamily, the girl whispers, "Oh, oh, quick get moving, that's my husband."
Quick as a flash, the man jumps out of bed, rushes to the window and suddenly stops dead.
"What d'ya mean?" he bellows, "I AM your husband!"

338-
"Will I be the first to do this to you ?" whispered the man after his bride-to-be finally consented to sex. 
"What a silly question..." giggled the girl, "I don't even know what position you want to use yet."

339-
My ex-wife was so cold that when you spread her legs a little white light came on!

340-
Husband: "How about a little action tonight, honey?"
Wife: "Over my dead body!"
Husband: "How else?"

341-
George has decided to get married, but not just to anybody. He wants to marry a virgin, a good girl that hasn't fooled around and won't ever. After a bit of thinking, he makes up this scheme to tell "good girls" from "bad girls".
One day, as he's going down the street, he spots Janice, one of the three young women on his "eligible" list. He walks right up to her, pulls down his pants and flashes her.
"Well, Janice," he says, "what do you reckon this is?"
"Why, it's a dick, of course," replies Janice instantly.
Obviously, Janice has been with men before, thinks George, and he cuts her off the list.
Next on the list is Christine. After finding her, he goes on and flashes her too.
"Tell me, Christine, what do you think this is?"
"It's your dick, George," answers Christine.
Off the list goes Christine.
His final hope is in Mary. He finds her and proceeds to the flashing.
"Mary, what do you think this is?" asks George.
Mary looks at his dick for a whole minute, then finally answers. "I honestly don't know, George, I'm sorry."
"ARE YOU SURE?" asks George again, unbelieving. "Here, study it all you want, just be sure."
Mary takes her time and studies George's organ for a full quarter of an hour.
"Sorry, George, I still can't tell what it could possibly be."
George is thrilled, and proposes to her. A few weeks later, they are married. It's their first night together. They both go to bed, naked, and George feels it's time to explain a few things to his wife.
"Mary, I'm going to learn you something very important. See this thing here, between my legs. That's a dick."
"THAT is a dick?" gasps Mary. "You should see John's!"

342-
A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she was not, as her fiance thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what to do. "No Problem," said the friend, who had just finished watching an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. "Just buy a piece of raw liver and shove it up inside you. It will make you tight and he will never know the difference."
The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom consummated the marriage with tremendous energy in the bed, on the floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere. She fell asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the following note pinned to her pillow: 
Dear Jane: Last night was pure heaven. Unfortunately, since we will never be able to repeat that performance, I am leaving you forever. P. S. Your pussy is in the sink.

343-
Morris and his wife went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say," Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot over heard the couple and said, folks, I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word i won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars.
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his dare devil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

344-
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?"
She said "No"
And the guy lived happily ever after. . . . . . . . .

345-
A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, “What 20 Million American Women Want.” 
He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages. 
His wife was a little annoyed. “Hey, what do you think you’re doing?” 
He calmly replied, “I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right.” 

346-
Ryan's wife had recently died and she was being buried. Ryan was sobbing and was being consoled by his friends. "Don't worry Ryan, in two or three months you may meet a beautiful lady who will make you happy" "I know, I know," says Ryan, "But what am I gonna do tonight."

347-
"After 10 years of marriage sex with my wife is down to three times a year." 
"Same here pal. " "As a matter of fact, if mine wouldn't sleep with her mouth open, I'd have none at all."

348-
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down picking the dough up with her vagina.
"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.
While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.
"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.
He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

349-
The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her only for her beauty.
And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money.
And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.

350-
A married couple was sitting in a restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband says "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and he's been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anyone could celebrate that long." 

351-
Sadie, an elderly lady, goes to see her doctor. "Doctor," she says, "I really believe the romance is going out of my marriage." 
"Why do you say that, Sadie?" asks the doctor. 
"Because mine Moshe is not (if you excuse me) performing very well in bed these days." 
"Sadie," he asks, "how old are you?" 
"I’m 80, doctor," she replies. 
"And how old is your Moshe, Sadie?" asks the doctor. 
"Kin-a-hora, he’s a healthy 88 years old," she replies. 
"Well, Sadie," says the doctor, "I don’t think you need worry. Sexual performance always begins to drop off in men of advanced years. It’s normal. But tell me, when did you first notice Moshe’s failing performance?" 
Sadie replies, "I noticed it twice last night, doctor and once again this morning." 

352-
One evening, Moshe shows his wife their latest telephone bill. "Hette, you just have to cut down on your calls. This bill is for over £700 and that’s a very high cost for just 3 months." 
"You’re right, darling," she says, "I promise to do my best to curtail my calls." 
"Thanks," says Moshe. 
Moshe starts to monitor the calls on a daily basis and is pleased to see that Hette is keeping to her promise. But then gradually, as he thought would happen, he sees the daily elapsed time start to increase again. Then one evening, as Hette dials a number and makes another call, Moshe decides to discuss the situation with her when she puts down the phone, whenever that will be. Fifteen minutes later, Hette puts down the phone. 
"What a surprise," says Moshe sarcastically, "how come such a short call?" 
"Oh, it was a wrong number, darling." she says. 

353-
When Ma & Pa first arrived on the homestead Pa installed a bell on the front porch and told Ma if trouble comes while I'm out in the field a plowin' then you just ring that bell and I'll come a running.
The next day Pa hears the bell and takes off for home. When he arrives Ma says "Them boys are givin me a hard time about doin the chores and little Sammy done stuck the butter knife in the molasses without lickin the blade clean first."
Pa says "you mean I just run all the way in from the fields for this. next time it had better be important."
The next day Pa hears the bell and takes off for home again. When he arrives his wife is in tears standing over a broke clothes line. "Pa"; she says "some jackass came ridin through here on a mule and ran right through the clothes line and rurnt the washin."
At first Pa was trying to figure out what was ridin what but then he yells "I told you not to ring that bell unless something bad was goin on. If this happens again I'm goin to whap you with a board."
The next day Pa hears the bell again and grabbin up a board heads for home. When he arrives Ma is clinging to the porch rail with a spear in her back, the house behind her is in flames and the chickens are laying dead in the front yard, shot full of arrows.
Pa looks at Ma and says "Now that's more like it."

354-
Bumper sticker seen on the back of a car......
"I wish my wife was this dirty!"

355-
A woman comes home to find her husband has been decorating the living room but has nailed all of her sex toys in a row along the wall.
"I said I wanted a DADO rail, you wanker!"

356-
"Have you seen this commercial for Viagra? 
The guy comes home, he's rushing around, he's cleaning the house, he's cooking dinner, he's setting the table, he's putting flowers and candles out before his wife gets home. 
Do you think women watching the commercial go, 'Never mind the sex. Where do I find a pill to get my husband to do all of that?'" 

357-
Their marriage had been shaky. He was looking shifty and she was sulking. They were washing the dishes. She was washing, he was drying. She handed him a saucer and it broke as he dropped it on the floor.
"Why don't you admit it!", she shouted. "Tell me, where do you go on Tuesday and Thursday nights?"
The husband looked embarrassed blushed. "Nowhere much", he said.
"You liar" she said "You're playing football for West's Tigers! I demand an explanation," she shouted.
Still looking embarrassed, the husband said "I'm going down to the local massage parlour for some extra sex and excitement. I'm having sex with prostitutes for money, and that's all. Then I come home."
"You're a liar!", screamed the wife. "You are secretly playing football for West's Tigers! You're going to practice during the week playing on Saturday afternoons, aren't you?"
"No! No!", protested the husband. I just go for a bit of extra sex! I'm just looking for a stray piece of crumpet down at the singles bar or getting it on with one of the whores."
"Do you swear you're not playing football for West's Tigers?", she demanded.
I swear I'm not. I'm just spending $200 or $300 a week on professional sex", he continued.
Sobbing with relief, she threw herself into his arms and kissed him.
"Forgive me", she said, "I'm sorry I didn't trust you.--
They continued washing the dishes. She handed him a cup and it slipped from his fingers and smashed on the floor.
"You dirty bloody liar!", she screamed, "You ARE playing for West's Tigers!"

358-
After sixty years of marriage an elderly couple were enjoying the evening, swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset.
After a few minutes the ol' lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the ol' man who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes. The ol' man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing.
He sits there for a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for, Ma?"
She replies: "That's for having such a small pecker!"
A few more minutes go by and the ol' man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife, who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes. She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to Pa.
She sits there a minute and then asks, "What was that for, Pa?"
He replies, "That's for knowing there was more than one size."

359-
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead, right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead!

360-
Jim emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" Jim said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository... it's up to you!"

361-
Notes From Thoughtful Ron: 
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman. 
My name is Ron...... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating dinner out is not a reasonable solution. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door. 
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. I really think my experience as a teacher helps a lot. I consider "telling people what they ought to do" to be one of my strong points. 
Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Some-times she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. 
Also, if I've had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know... get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But, I did tell her I don't like to be awakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished. 
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. 
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too, and then take her break by my hammock. That way, she can talk with me until I fall asleep. 
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. 
Signed, Ron 
EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday Feb. 3. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his butt, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it, and she was released on Friday, Feb 4.

362-
Staggering home from their wedding anniversary dinner, the husband, a wee bit intoxicated, collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous fart. 
"That's it ! I've had it this time." the designated driver, who had been anticipating the possibility of some amorous attention, the wife, screamed. - "That's It, I've had it, I'm cutting you off forever." 
"That's impossible," he giggled, "you don't even know where I'm getting it." 

363-
My first wife was so stupid that I had to tell her, "Honey, 'blow job' is an expression. You have to suck on that thing. If you blow out a nut, it ain't gonna be no good for either one of us." 

364-
Once there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his father. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy says, "Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."
"Wella Tony," Papa said, "You seea this first finger? You use a dis a one to point a to whata evea you wanna to. You see youa thumb? You usea it a for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when youa getta married."
Little Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding and just before he was leaving with his bride, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.
Tony said, "Papa, many years ago you told me to use this finger to point at what I want, to turn pages with my thumb, to pick my nose with this little one, and to put my wedding ring on this one, but, Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"
Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony, tonighta you will makea mad hotta love to youa woman many times, and youa may getta tired. When thatta happens, and youa woman turns to you an wanna makea da love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep youa silly woman!'

365-
My wife said " Honey , go get a dozen condoms, I'm horny .... I said "Great Darlin, I'll be right back ..... when I got back , she said "Thanks" and walked out the door.

366-
Peter was in bed with his best friend's wife. Just as things were reaching a climax, he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. 
"What the hell's wrong with you?" his partner asked. 
"I feel just like a regular son-of-a-bitch, getting some of my best friend's pussy," the man moaned. 
"Well," she soothed, patting his back, "you can stop worrying. You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five inches deeper." 

367-
Marriage - nature's way of stopping people fighting with strangers.

368-
Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller.
"Two men are madly in love with me !" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one?"
The swami answers...."Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one."

369-
A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore." 
"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks. 
"It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!" 
"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling. 
"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go, "I still remember that time when you ...." 

370-
Q. Why did St. George divorce his wife?
A. Because, one fire breathing dragon in his life was more than he could stand.

371-
A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

372-
" I don't think my wife loves me anymore," the upset husband tells his shrink. 
" How can you tell?" the doctor asks. 
"Well when I come home from work she is waiting at the door in a little teddy, holding an ice cold bud. Then she goes in the kitchen and makes me the most fabulous meals I've ever tasted, Later we go to bed and she lets me do all kinds of kinky stuff to her and never objects." 
" So what's your problem," the doctor asks. 
" I don't know if I'm making to much out of this but, when she thinks I'm asleep she whispers in my ear, " Die you lousy asshole, die!!!"

373-
"Tessie, did you know that Ethel passed away last week?"
"No, Becky, I didn't. Did her husband, Morris, take it hard?"
"He did, Tessie, but not as hard as Irving, their lodger, who everyone knew was carrying on with Ethel. As a matter of fact, when she died, Irving went to pieces. He couldn't eat and he couldn't sleep. He just sat around the house and moped."
"So what happened?"
"I'll tell you what happened. A few days after the funeral, Morris said to their lodger.
"So stop your worrying. Irving, I'll get married again!"

374-
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. 
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" 
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" 
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." 
And they say blondes are dumb... 

375-
A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife, "Honey, I got a new secretary, and imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colours of my favourite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good." The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?" The man say, "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!" The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?" She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

376-
A man goes to his psychiatrist complaining about marriage problems. The shrink asks him, "Do you talk to your wife during sex?" "Sure," says the guy, "I've got a cell phone!"

377-
Me and a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work. One Friday, Chad showed up particularly late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp. Then he turned and said, "Times they are getting tough. I mean, just today, my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week! I can't believe it." At which point Ian put his hand on Chad's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut me out all together."

378-
A woman's husband dies. He only had $20,000 to his name. 
After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. 
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke already?" 
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $400 and I spent another $400 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." 
The friend says, "$13,200 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" 
The widow says, "Three carats."

379-
An elderly couple go camping for the first time in a good long while. There they are, sitting by the cracking fire, and the woman says to her husband, "I think I'll go take off my bra since no one is around."
The husband says, "Sure honey, go right ahead."
So the old woman disappears into the tent, returning a few moments later she poses in front of the fire. "How do I look?"
"Wonderful!" says he. "Took all the wrinkles out of your face."

380
The guys had been worried about Bob ever since his wife dumped him and cleaned him out in the divorce.
They decided that somebody should go visit him at home to see how he was doing.
Floyd gets the job and goes to Bob's place one day after work. Bob seems to be ok but Floyd checks his place out to see if anything is out of the ordinary, just in case.
The place looks fine except for one thing, a tampon on top of Bob's TV. Floyd tries to ignore it but curiosity finally gets the best of him.
"Hey, Bob, what's with the tampon on the television?"
"Oh, that's just to remind me that the cunt took the VCR."

381-
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him. "Cured him ," asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

382-
Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. Why, Dad? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax"

383-
Q: Why is sex with your wife like a 7-11 store?
A: There's not much variety, but what else is open at 3:00 in the morning?

384-
Emma gets into work late one Monday morning and goes to see her boss to apologise. "I’m sorry I’m late, but I had to move some furniture this morning before I came into work. In fact my back is killing me after my efforts." 
"So why didn’t you wait until your husband gets home tonight?" asks her boss. 
"I could have," says Emma, "but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it." 

385-
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying on bed for a few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and mutters: "One-nil." His wife rolls over and asks: "What in the world was that?" The old man says: "A goal. I'm ahead, one-nil."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go herself and says: "Goal! One all!" The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead, 2-1!" Beginning to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says: "Goal! 2- all!" The old man tries to fart again, but can't. Trying desperately not be out done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out just one more fart. Biting on the pillow he strains a little too hard and unfortunately groans as he follows through. The wife asks: "Now what in the world was that?" The old man replies: "Half-time, switch sides!"

386-
The attractive wife told her husband she was going on vacation with a girlfriend. She spent a wild, wonderful week with her fabulously wealthy lover, who, at the end of the week gave her a beautiful $10,000 mink coat.
Obviously, she couldn't bring it home and so she devised a plan. She pawned the mink coat. She later casually mentioned to her husband she had found a pawn ticket.
"Honey, on your lunch break today can you stop at the pawn shop and see what this is?" she asked, handing the pawn ticket to her husband.
Her husband returned that evening and told his wife it was nothing but a cheap watch. The next day his secretary was wearing a $10,000 mink coat.

387-
Husband: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary woes of people you have never met? 
Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don't know scores a goal

388-
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

389-
A young married couple were lying in bed one morning when the woman decided to go downstairs and make a drink for them both and bring it back to the bedroom.
The man thought to himself, “While she’s gone I’ll have a really good wank, so when she comes back she’ll get a lovely surprise when she sees me tossing myself off.”
So, he’s lying there furiously polishing his cock as she walks into the bedroom carrying two cups of tea in her hands. In total surprise she says, “What are you doing?” He says, “I’m thinking about you and having a good wank while you’re gone to give you a nice surprise when you get back!”
“Well just stop it,” she snaps.
“Ok,” he says, “who would you like me to think about then.”

390-
A husband and wife were debating on buying a new car. She wanted a fast sports car. He wanted a pickup. As time passed on, her birthday came up and she thought it a great time to fulfil her wish.
She told her husband, "Look, I want something that can go from 0 to 200. Furthermore, I want it to be able to do it in just a few seconds!"
The husband bought her bathroom scales.
(The funeral is at 3:00pm Wednesday)

391-
Horowitz was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife Fanny in the arms of another man. He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?"
The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with Fanny and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her.... Okay?"
"Okay," replied Horowitz, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point?"

392-
Bill and Myrddin were at the bar having some drinks. Bill was deep in thought and rather distracted the whole evening. Finally, Bill opens up a little bit to Myrddin. "I am having some problems with my wife, Lynn", says Bill He still doesn't want to let loose with the whole thing, but, Myrddin, being the good buddy that he is, is really concerned for his friend, and gradually convinces Bill to open up all the way. Myrddin says, "It will do you good to talk about it and get it off your chest. Maybe together, we can figure something out!" Bill sobbingly says "I would do most anything for Lynn, because I love her so much. She is my whole life... I am nothing without her." He continues "but she has asked me for something that I am unable to do. Now it looks like we will be getting a divorce." "Well, what is it she wants? A new car? A new house? What? Surely, it can't be all that bad!" says Myrddin. Bill finally blurts it out, "She wants me to find a job!" Myrddin comforts his buddy, "Don't worry about it, Bill, you'll find someone else!"

393-
"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man." 

394-
"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.
"Hmmm.... I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey style?" replied his mate.
"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is turkey style?"
"Gobble, gobble, gobble!"

395-
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting ."My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next to her.
"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"
"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

396-
One very rainy night this old couple changed their plans and stopped at this "Honeymoon Hotel" because driving anymore down the highway really was foolish.
Well, no sooner did they get to bed than the wall behind their headboard started to bump irregularly and through the paper -thin walls the older fella heard a young woman's voice say "Oh Honey, you're so strong".
This old fella turns to his wife and says "Why don't you ever say that to me?
"Because you are not strong anymore" was his wife's answer.
Then the young woman's voice said "Oh, you're so romantic"
Why don't you ever say that to me?" asks the old fella to his wife.
"Because you are not romantic anymore" his wife said.
Then the young female said "Oh, that was a wonderful climax. Thank You!"
The old fella asked in a loud voice "Why don't you ever tell ME when you have a great climax?"
His wife sits up in bed, turns and stares at her husband and promptly yells back her answer. "Because you're never around when I have them!!!

397-
Doug returned home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed. His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed.
"All right," Doug shouted, "I demand to know where this cigar came from!"
A muffled voice came from under the bed, "Havana."

398-
What's all the fuss about same-sex marriages?
I've been married for years, and I keep having the same sex.

399-
A woman was walking along pushing her new born baby in its pram when she was approached by an old friend.
The woman leaned over, peered into the pram and said, "What a beautiful baby boy! Little Jesse looks just like his father."
"I know," replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"

400-
Sadie and Becky have been best of friends for some time. Then one day in Brent Cross shopping centre, Sadie notices that Becky is not only wearing new gold and diamond jewellery but also the latest in designer clothes. She’s also had her hair done immaculately and her nails are well manicured. So she says, "Becky, how come all this new gear? Where did you find the money?" 
"I get my extra money by charging mine Issy £5.00 every time we have sex," Becky replies. 
"Wow," says Sadie. 
"And you can do the same with your Benny," says Becky. "It really adds up quickly, but you must remain firm, you mustn’t let him talk you into accepting less and you must never let him coax you into doing it for nothing." 
"OK," says Sadie, "that sounds easy enough. I’ll start tonight. Benny will certainly be surprised." 
That night, when Benny is ready to have sex, Sadie says to him, "From now on, darling, you’ll always have to give me £5.00 before we have sex." She then tells him why. 
"Oh, I see," he says and gets out of bed to get the money. But he quickly realises that he has only £4.50 in his wallet. 
Sadie refuses to accept it. "Rules are rules," she says. "If you want sex, you’ll have to give me the full amount - £5.00." 
"Alright," says Benny, "so we can't have sex. But can I touch you for £4.50? We'll just make-out, OK?" 
"OK," says Sadie. 
Benny starts to kiss her and fondle her body. He rubs against her, etc, etc. Quickly, Sadie starts to get hot and bothered and finally she’s so turned on that she says, "If it's all right with you, Benny, I'll lend you the 50p until tomorrow." 

401-
Arnold leaves for a 2 day business trip to Paris. As he’s walking to the station, he realises that he’s left his British Airways ticket on the bed. So he returns and quietly enters the house. 
There in the kitchen is his Ruth. She’s wearing her skimpiest negligee and she’s standing at the sink washing the breakfast dishes. She looks so inviting that Arnold tiptoes up behind her, reaches out, and squeezes her right breast. 
"Leave only one pint of milk," she says without turning, "Arnold won't be here for breakfast tomorrow." 

402-
The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like." Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex.... you'll love it!" Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...." Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz". Now, I'll just address this....... By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?" "Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern?"

403-
An elderly couple was sitting together watching television.
During one of the commercials the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?" 
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife answered, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!" 

404-
A man says to his wife, “Hey, you can buy these new flavoured condoms you know. There’s strawberry, raspberry, vanilla, banana, chocolate, you name it. So, I decided to get some, do you fancy a try?” She says, “Ooh I’d love too” and proceeds to suck his cock with vigour. “Ooooh cheese,” she says gleefully. “Hang on a minute,” he says, “I haven’t fuckin’ put one on yet”.

405-
While making love to his wife, Martin discovered he couldn't enjoy it. Though they had been married only a few years, he reflected unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: "What happened, did I hurt you ?"
"Why no, not at all." said his surprised wife. "Whatever made you ask that?"
"Well... no reason actually." the bored husband replied with a sigh, "It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actually moved."

406-
Ratcliffe was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F. F." 
His wife turned to him and answered, "E. F." 
Out on the highway, he said, "F. F." 
She responded simply, "E. F." He repeated, "F. F." 
She again replied, "E. F." 
"Mum! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?" 
Ratcliffe answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

407-
At a session with a marriage counsellor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true ! I do so enjoy sex !" Then, turning to the counsellor, she explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year !"

408-
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over. The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbour asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbour. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I MEANT to say. But what came OUT was, 'Of course I do.'"

409-
Q: What's the difference between secretaries and wives?
A: Secretaries get a little behind at work; wives get a big behind at home.

410-
Q: Why do divorced men get married again?
A: Lack of memory....

411-
My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her."
"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?"
"No, that's not what made her the maddest."
"It's not?"
"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains."

412-
Three members of a weekly female bridge quartet were duly impressed when the fourth arrived wearing a gorgeous new mink coat.
"That's a lovely garment Dottie," purred one woman
"It must have cost you a fortune!"
"But it didn't," said Dottie, "just a single piece of ass."
"You mean," continued the admirer of the coat, "One that you gave your husband?"
"No," smiled the coat wearer,
"One that he got from the maid."

413-
Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter. One afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway. "Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let her be having an affair."

414-
"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."

415-
After many years of bachelorhood, this older gent finds and marries a beautiful young lady. On their honeymoon night she slips into a sheer negligee and a comfortable bed as he goes into the bathroom to prepare himself for glory.
Five minutes go by. Ten minutes go by. Concerned, the bride goes into the bathroom, where she finds her aged husband furiously masturbating.
She smiles and says, "You're married now. You don't have to do that anymore."
Her husband looks at her a bit bewildered and says, "Oh, I forgot."

416-
Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed." 
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. 
She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mum then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. 
Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed." "I'm on my way," she said. 
She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow. 
About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed," and he did.

417-
"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No, thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard

418-
"David is the same as ever." gossiped his wife on the telephone. "All he ever thinks about all day long is sex... sex... sex."
"Now that's just not true at all." called out David, relaxing in his recliner. "For the past half-hour, I've been laying here thinking about you."

419-
The difference between 'guts' and 'balls' 
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?" 
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, reeking of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: "You're next, fatty!"

420-
"Sometimes I call my husband 'Q'," the wife told her friend.
"Why's that?" the friend asked. "Is he some kinda superguy like that man on Star Trek?"
"No," said the wife, "he's a big fat zero with a little dick hangin' down."

421-
A year short of retirement, this chap went to the social security office to apply for benefit. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but: "I'll have to go home and come back later." The woman says: "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says: "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me..." and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, he excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She replied: "You should have dropped your pants too, you might have gotten disability as well!" 

422-
Four mates were drinking in their local, and a conversation started about their respective mothers-in-law.
One said his was an old dragon, another said his was overly snooty and house-proud, and the third said his couldn't boil an egg to save her life.
The last guy turned to them and stated, "I won't have a bad word said about my mother-in-law. She's a lovely lady, cooks a wonderful Sunday roast, I've never felt anything but a warm welcome in her house and she'll baby sit the kids at a moment's notice. They all love her and she never forgets a birthday or an anniversary."
Then he paused and the other three felt a little guilty for saying rude things about their spouses' mothers.
"No, she's a fine woman, my mother-in-law." he continued and then added with venom, "It's her bloody daughter I can't stand!"

423-
A married couple in their early 60's were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet little restaurant. Suddenly a tiny, yet beautiful, fairy appeared on the table and said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and being to faithful to each other all this time, I give you each a wish!"
"Oh, I want to travel the world with my dearest husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her wand and 'abracadabra', 2 tickets for a world cruise on the QE2 appeared on the table.
Now it was the husband's turn, he thought for a minute and said: "This is all very romantic but an opportunity like this only appears once in a lifetime ... so, I'm sorry my love but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife and the fairy were disappointed but a wish is a wish so the fairy waved her wand and 'abracadabra' -the husband became 92 years old. You see - men might be bastards but fairies are female. 

424-
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." 
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted

425-
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"

426-
Back in the 1960's white activists often got their hair styled in an afro -- a large bush-style hairdo -- to show support for civil rights.
One such fellow did so, and arrived home smiling and announced that he'd also teased all his pubic hair into the same bushy style.
His wife, who had had it with her spouse's endless posturing, sneered, "Great... just great... now during foreplay I'll have to look for a needle in a haystack."

427-
With deep concern, Brian noted that his friend Peter was far drunker than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over to the bar and asked, "What's the trouble, buddy?"
"It's a woman." replied Peter. "What else?"
"Tell me about it," coaxed Brian.
"It's your wife." replied Peter
"My wife? What about her?" Asked Brian
Peter turned and looked Brian in the eye and said ,"Well, buddy boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us."

428-
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000, please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!" 

429-
Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room. The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice on what to do. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there. The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. He calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!" and hangs up on him. A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back, "Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?"

430-
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

431-
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married.
He was a man of the world.
She was an innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon.
While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see?
Them cows, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel.
The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed.
When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies.
Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my!" she cries:
"What is that?"
"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly: "That's ma' rope!
"She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness!
What are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love.
After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!
Her husband, panting a little, asks: "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!

432-
Things weren't going too well for the husband business-wise and he got his wife an imitation tennis bracelet, instead of the real one she wanted for their anniversary. "I hope you understand sweetheart, but you can pretend it's real."
"Fine!" she said pouting, "And tonight in bed, you can pretend I'm there under you."

433-
As I was on the way home from a long and stressful day at the office, the car phone rang. It was my husband.
"Will you be joining me in the whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked.
"What a lovely way to spend an evening," I thought. I was about to tell him how considerate he was when he continued, "Because if you're not, I need to start adding more water to the tub."

434-
Steve and Cliff are having this talk. Steve says, "My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy for the same reason." Cliff says, "Why?" Steve says, "Because with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit."

435-
REASONS FOR DIVORCE 
A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission." 
A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2." 
A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language." 
A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house." 
A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate." 

436-
87 years old Nathan is sitting at the bar of his local Senior Citizens Dance Club when in walks Fay. ‘What a beauty,’ he says to himself. Then he can’t believe his luck when she walks over and starts chatting to him. It was love at first site for both of them. After dating for only a few weeks, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, they consummate their marriage with a long and passionate sexy romp. As soon as it ends, Fay notices that Nathan is very quiet and still. She then realises that her new husband has died just as he reached his climax. 
At Nathan’s funeral, one of Fay’s friends comes over to her and says, "I was so shocked to hear the news, Fay. Whatever happened?" 
"Nothing much," Fay replies, "he came and he went." 

437-
One evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished -- something's up.
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it: "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too - Ralph was too tired..."

438-
The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription.
Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills. When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed. He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. *Three times!* He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad. "What's wrong, dear?" he asks "I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs. "What do you mean?" "I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come all at once!"

439-
Wives are funny creatures ...
They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

440-
A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking, he looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
What the hell are you doing?" he asks.
I'm doing what you asked me to do last night, when you came to bed drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself
"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

441-
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P. S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the full filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P. S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Heck and Free!

442-
A couple of senior citizens pull into to a gas station:
Attendant: How may I help you?
Old man: Please fill it up.
Old lady: What did he say...?
Old man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.
Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old man: To Chicago to visit our Grandchildren.
Old lady: What did he say...?
Old man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the grand kids.
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
Old man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
Old lady: What did he say...?
Old man:[yelling]: He said it's good weather.
Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old lady: What did he say...?
Old man:[yelling]: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.
Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and was lousy in bed.
Old lady: What did he say...?
Old man:[yelling]: He says he knows you! 

443-
Did you hear about the couple who finally became sexually compatible?
They achieved simultaneous headaches.

444-
A nervous groom is giving his speech at the wedding reception. The couple had been given a very nice coffee set by her parents.
"I'd like to thank you all for coming here to celebrate our wedding. I'd like to thank the beautiful brides maids and finally I'd like to thank my new parents-in-law for the gift of a perky copulater."

445-
Q: What is common between a wife and a swimming pool?
A: The cost of maintenance is too high compared to the time you spend inside them!

446-
Pa and Ma were taking a load of produce into town to sell. Pa held the reins as the old horse trotted down the road.
Ma said softly, "Pa, hold my hand." Pa obliged.
A bit later, Ma says, "Pa, kiss me?" So he kisses her.
A little further along, she says. "Pa..."
"Damn it. Ma!" snapped Pa. "Get off the cucumbers and sit on the melons!"

447-
An American couple is in Paris on a long-awaited trip, when suddenly the wife dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there since they had looked forward to their visit to France for so many years. All arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a "chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store that is open late. First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur, on pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?" The policeman is a bit surprised since the American has asked where he can buy a black condom, but, after thinking a bit, he gives our friend directions. The store - if that is what it is - looks a little seedy and rundown, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes the American and says, "M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir?" "Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noire." After explaining that he has red, white, and brown condoms, but no black condoms, the man asks the American why he wants a black condom, "Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un capeau noir?" "Ma femme est morte." After the American says that his wife is dead, the man exclaims, "O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!- What a beautiful sentiment!"

448-
My wife and I are both in an Internet business, but she's the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers.
I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching her back one day.
"No, not there," she directed. "Scroll down."

449-
Jim is sitting in his local bar with his buddies, sharing a beer and bragging about his sex life. Jim says, I have great sex with my wife. She's very vocal, she can really rattle the windows, and *most* of it really turns me on. I love it when she screams, 'Harder!' I love it when she screams, 'Faster!' "Man, you lucky dog! Says his one buddy. But *come on* and tell the truth, isn't there sometimes a problem with your sex life?" 
"The only problem I have Jim said dejectedly, "Is when she screams,....'Deeper!'"

450-
A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

451-
"I don't know why my ex blamed me for all our marital troubles. 
I mean, hell, between work, golf, bowling, drinking with the guys, and playing poker, I was hardly ever home!"

452-
This guy Chris gets a call from his buddy John one day, and John is on the phone crying.
Chris asks, "John, what's wrong? You sound really upset."
"Well," replies John, "my wife's been cheatin' on me."
"With who?" asks Chris.
"The neighbour," replies John.
"That damn dirty slut!" says Chris.
"Yeah," replies John, "you think I'm upset, you should've heard how upset the neighbour's husband was."

453-
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first divorced me and the second one won't.

454-
Benjy and Hannah are in bed watching, ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ when Benjy turns to Hannah and says, "Do you want to have sex?" 
"No," she answers. 
"Is that your final answer?" asks Benjy. 
"Yes," replies Hannah. 
"Then I'd like to phone a friend," says Benjy. 

455-
Sadie and Becky are having coffee one morning whilst discussing life in general. "So how long have you and Harold been married, Becky?" asks Sadie. 
"Next week, please God, it will be twenty-five years," replies Becky. 
"That’s a long time, Becky," says Sadie. "How’s your sex life been all this time?" 
"It’s been OK," replies Becky, "especially the S&M." 
"You’re really into S&M?" asks Sadie with surprise. 
"Oh yes," replies Becky, "Harold and I have been into S&M for some time now – he snores and I masturbate." 

456-
There was a young man who had recently married, He had discovered his wife was on her Monthly shortly thereafter. He decided to try to get some "on the sly."
He went to a local tavern, and picked up a "temporary lover." They got a motel room for the night. Things were pretty hot and heated that night! 
However, the next morning he found out it was his wife's sibling! 
Word got back to his wife. "How could you!" she exclaimed. He replied, "Honey, I just needed some action, and you were unavailable. I knew I couldn't impose on you at that time, so I went out. I didn't know it was with your sibling 'til the next morning." 
The wife responded, "I could understand my sister -- she is very attractive." Then she added, "but HOW could you EVER do it with my BROTHER?"

457-
A married man was visiting his mistress one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James," she pleaded, "I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome, clean-shaven face."
James quickly replied, "My wife loves this beard, Jocelyn. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" Jocelyn asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it ... I just can't!"
But Jocelyn was seductively persistent, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, a worried James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face. Suddenly she was wide awake and sitting bolt upright in the bed. She said tersely, "Jesus Christ, Michael! What the hell are you doing here? My husband will be home any minute!"

458-
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." 
"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV. 

459-
A married couple touring Israel sat outside at a Bethlehem sidewalk cafe, waiting for their friends. A peddler approached them, his arm loaded with belts. After an impassioned sales plea yielded nothing, he asked where they were from. "America," the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, "She's not from the States." "Yes, I am," said the wife. He pointed to her husband and asked her, "Is he your husband?" "Yes."
"Mister, I'll give you a hundred camels for her." The husband sat for a long, stunned silence before he replied, "She's not for sale."
After the salesman left, his indignant wife asked, "What took you so long to answer?" He replied, "I was trying to figure out how I could get a hundred camels back to America!"

460-
Q: Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?
A: There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning.

461-
A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on, when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door.
He said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

462-
John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door, his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately.
"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"
"22 years", replied John.
"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years."
"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."

463-
A chap walked into a brothel and asked if they have a black girl on duty, 
"Not at the moment but come back in two hours and we will get you one" said the madam.
Two hours later he returned accompanied by his wife .....
"She must come with me" he explained.
"OK but we will have to charge a bit more" said madam.
"No Problem" he replies.
The man and his wife are led upstairs to a little pink boudoir and there is a tall, shapely, black girl waiting for them, she is a little nervous at 'performing' in front of the man's wife but calms down when it is explained that she will be getting more money for it.
The man and his wife sit on the edge of the bed
"What would you like me to do?" she asks
"just undress," the girl complies
"Now stand with your back to us" she turns around
"Bend over" wondering what will happen next she does as she is bid.
"There now Darling," the man says to his wife, pointing at the girl's posterior "can't you see that our bathroom will not look good with black tiles and pink grouting?????"

464-
When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"
The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

465-
The husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage. 
The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. 
Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. 
Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly with a very satisfied dazed look. 
The counsellor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" 
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf.

466-
A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had a good shag for over a year and is considering divorce.
After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he coos "baby, get upstairs to the bedroom".
She can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one. They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall".
"Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it." She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin between her legs right on her muff.
"The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!"

467-
A guy gets married and for the first year he never leaves his wife alone. Every day, morning noon and night, he is at it 
His wife is a little pissed off about this so she goes to her mother and says, "Mum, he won't leave me alone, every day, 4-5 times a day, he's like a rabbit." Her mother tells her to go to the fishmongers and get a fish and put it up her pussy. 
That night the husband comes home and drags her upstairs, rips of her clothes and proceeds to make love to her. On entry he screams and pulls out. He is bleeding and covered in scratches, so for the next year he does not even look at his wife. 
She, beginning to feel a little randy after this long lay off, again approaches her mother and asks for advice. Her mother tells her to wait until he is in bed and then show him what he is missing. 
That night he is lying in bed and she strips and climbs onto the bed. She then steps over him, but just as her ass is passing his face, she farts. 
The guy looks up and says, "Bark you bastard, but you won't bite me again!" 

468-
The Daily Telegraph recently conducted a poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from a blow job. 
Seven per cent said they most enjoyed the sensations. 
Five per cent confessed their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination. 
Eighty eight per cent said they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.
The Telegraph identified the 88 per cent and their wives said they had better enjoy the last one they got because they were never getting another one.

469-
A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he said. "I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that, genius?" she asked sarcastically.
"It wasn't easy, bitch," he told her. "I had to fold with a royal flush."

470-
A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."

471-
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot to get a Christmas present for his wife.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat". The Next day, on Christmas morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

472-
I miss my husband. I really do. He's travelling and I'm home all alone and this weather sucks and I want company. So, I'd like to propose the following:
I'm looking for a surrogate husband, just for today. I will cook a great meal for you and greet you at the door wearing nothing but lingerie.
You must agree to:
-- come home by 7:00pm, but not actually show up until 8:00pm. Please don't apologize for being late and don't call to let me know you are going to be late.
-- walk in the door without actually greeting me.
-- the first words out of your mouth, after you get out of the bathroom, should be: "What's for dinner?"
-- take your plate from the table and walk into the living room and sit down in front of the TV, leaving me alone.
-- put your feet up on the coffee table, chew with your mouth open and ask me to grab you a beer.
-- not compliment me on the fact that the house is clean or that the food that took me several hours to cook is any good.
-- ignore me for the rest of the night and watch Sky instead.
-- tell me to stop when I try to cuddle up to you on the couch and ask me to get you a beer instead.
-- come to bed without showering, even though you've been at work all day.
-- fart in bed and then fluff the covers.
-- wake me up to ask me for a blow job.
Please, please, please help me out! I miss the asshole.

473-
A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up. 
She replied, "You mean imagine that it's good?!"

474-
Victor and Faye are discussing their impending wedding and during their conversation, the subject of children comes up. 
Faye says, "Oh Victor, I just can’t wait to marry you and have at least 3 children. I’ve always wanted a large family." 
"That’s too many, darling," says Victor, "two is perfectly ample for me." 
Faye then spends ten minutes trying to change Victor’s mind but to no avail. Victor thinks he’s ended the conversation when he announces, "In fact, after our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." 
Without a moment's hesitation, Faye responds to this challenge by saying, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

475-
Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife good-bye when they leave the house? 
Of these same men, 90% will kiss their house good-bye when their wife leaves.

476-
Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
Because they are tired of using their own.

477-
Mother: What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now.
Daughter: I just don't know, Mum! Billy tries all the time, it's just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing.

478-
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long.
She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do yo u mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."

479-
On our last vacation, my wife and I saved some money by staying in a cheap hotel.
Just as we were falling asleep, we heard the sounds of mattress springs and a banging headboard from the next room.
At first we were amused by the amorous couple.
After five minutes it had lost its charm.
After ten minutes we were a little annoyed.
After fifteen minutes, we were just plain ticked off, as it was keeping us awake.
After half an hour we were incensed!
After an hour we were pretty damned impressed.

480-
A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.
"Honey?"
"Yes, darling?"
"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."
"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?"
"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But for Pete's sake, give me more than one!"

481-
Marriage secrets 
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Twice a week, we go to a little restaurant, have some good food, a little wine and companionship. She goes on Tuesday and I go Friday. We sleep in separate beds, hers in Sydney, mine in Melbourne. I take my wife everywhere but she keeps finding her way back. I asked her where she wanted to go for our anniversary, ³Somewhere I haven't been for a long time" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 
We always hold hands; if I let go, she shops. She has an electric blender, an electric toaster and an electric bread-maker. When she says she has too many gadgets and nowhere to sit down, I bought her an electric chair. Remember that marriage is the Number One cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage. 
I married Miss Right; I just didn't know that her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to her for eighteen months: I don't like to interrupt her. The last time we had a fight, it was my fault. She asked: "What's on the TV?" I said: "Dust". 
In the beginning, God created the Earth and rested. Then, God created man and rested. Then God created woman. And since then, neither God nor man has rested. 

482-
A guy sees his best friend on the street. The friend is wearing a flamboyant outfit. Lime coloured trousers, A puff-sleeved lavender shirt, a puce ascot, etc. 
"What is the world is wrong with you?" 
"Oh, my wife. I saw an ad in the paper for Cox's Men's Store. They were having a great sale on seersucker suits. So I told her, go to Cox's and buy me one of those seersucker suits. What does she do? She goes to Sears and buys me a cocksucker suit."

483-
What's the difference between a BONUS and a BONER?
Your wife will blow your bonus.

484-
Ten Commandments Of Marriage
Commandment 1 Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6 Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.
Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

485-
The wife appeared before the judge and said, "I want a divorce from that jerk over there." The judge said, "Why do you want the divorce?" "Because he's a terrible lover." The judge asked, "How long have you been married?" "Fourteen years," she replied. "I don't understand. Why did you wait fourteen years to divorce your husband for being a terrible lover?" She said, "Because, your Honour, until this insurance salesman stopped by my house last week, I didn't know.

486-
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted a video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen sex activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

487-
Bob returned home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed. His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed. 
"All right," Bob demanded, "I'll kill you unless you tell me where the cigar came from!" 
A muffled voice came from under the bed, "Havana." 

488-
Sadie is arrested for shop lifting. During her trial, which her husband Sidney attends, the judge asks her, “How old are you?" 
"I’m 60, your Honour," replies Sadie. 
"And what did you steal?" he asks. 
Sadie replies, "A tin of peaches, your Honour." 
"Why did you steal this tin?" asks the judge. 
"Because I was hungry," replies Sadie. 
The judge then asks, "And how many peaches were in the tin?" 
"Five," replies Sadie. 
The judge then says, "OK, I think five days in jail would be appropriate." 
But before the judge can pronounce sentence, Sidney suddenly stands up and asks him, "Is it OK to give the court some more information?" 
The judge replies, "Yes, I suppose so, if you’re brief. What is it?" 
Sidney replies, "She also stole a can of peas." 

489-
Pierre, Marie, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the edge of a lake in northern Quebec. One day, Pierre decided he had had enough and set out across the lake in his canoe.
Seeing this, Marie hollered out to him, "Pierre, what are you doing?"
Pierre replied "Woman, I'm leaving you!"
Marie hollered "But Pierre, what about our marriage?"
Pierre replied "To hell with the marriage. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake.
Marie hollered "But Pierre, what about our beautiful cabin?"
Pierre replied "To hell with the cabin. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake.
Marie hollered "But Pierre, what about our beautiful children?"
Pierre replied "To hell with the children. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake.
Then Marie hikes up her skirt, points to her crotch and hollers, "But Pierre, what about this?"
As Pierre slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles, "Someday I'm going to leave that damn woman."

490-
I don't understand.
After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping. The receipt included $45 in makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Fuck off, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back.

491-
Shlomo came to his son Jacob on his wedding night: “Mazaltov my son! Let me just tell you that in the future you’ll remember this day as the happiest day of your life!”
“But dad” said the surprised son “I’m only getting married tomorrow”
“I know son, I know…that’s what I mean”

492-
The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.
After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband tells his wife, "Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex."
They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath.
There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, "My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night."
Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, "My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it."
Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, "So how is the new husband?"
"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family.

493-
This is a real reply to a marriage ad in India.......
Reply to a Matrimonial Ad in Bangalore
Madam:
I am an old young uncle living only with myself in Bangalore. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Karnataka. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay.
Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am.
I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the gym and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the gym.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand.
If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the gym.
If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Expecting soon, Yours and only yours Jiyo

494-
*When Tom's wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and Tom on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day, she yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do!"
"Wow," Tom thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this!"

495-
Sheila and George were spending the first night of their honeymoon in a quaint medieval town in France. To add piquancy to the evening, Sheila suggested coyly that they make love every time the old night watchman rang his hourly bell. 
George smiled in delight at this prospect, but four rings later he pretended that he had to go out to get some cigarettes and staggered off to the watchman's tower.
"Listen, old man," he wheezed to that worthy, "do me a favour, will you? For the rest of the night, ring that bell of yours at two-hour intervals instead of hourly!"
"Ah," replied the ancient watchman, fingering his moustache, "I would be happy to oblige, monsieur, but I cannot do this."
"Why not?" George demanded. "I'll give you money, if that's what's troubling you!"
"Not at all," the old man responded. "You see, a beautiful young lady has already bribed me to ring the bell every half hour."

496-
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" 
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!" 

497-
She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.
He walks in and she says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment". 
He, thinking it's his lucky day, makes love to her over the kitchen table.
Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"
She says "the egg timer's broken"

498-
"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex appetite," the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her quite an assortment of every sex toy made, thinking that would keep her faithful." 
"Did it work ?" asked the friend. 
"Well, kinda..." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like a little, I find myself 3rd or 4th in line."

499-
There is a new, specialized service called "Marriage Anonymous"
WOMEN: When you feel like getting married, you call Marriage Anonymous and they send over a man in a dirty T-shirt who hasn't shaved in three days, smells like stale beer, and whines at you to make him a snack while he lies on the couch, emits various bodily gases and their accompanying noises, and watches football.
MEN: When you feel like getting married, you call Marriage Anonymous and they send you an overweight woman dressed in a sloppy bathrobe and sporting curlers in her hair. She will have no makeup on, and will harangue you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

500-
"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbour.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

501-
Mrs. Grednick, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting. "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure," she lamented to the woman next to her.
"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that? You'll feel better, too."
"You don't understand. He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

502-
Morris and his wife were vacationing in Hawaii when a violent earthquake occurred at 3 AM. As soon as morning came, the man went down to the hotel lobby to read the newspaper about what had happened. As he was reading the newspaper, a local gentlemen step up and ask him if he had felt the earthquake during the night.
"I sure did. My wife and I are here on vacation from the mainland, and I have felt other earthquakes, but I have never felt a quake like that one, it was terrible. I thought the building was going to come down on us."
The guy asks, "What were you doing during the earthquake?"
"Gee, I was having the best sexual performance of my life as that earthquake was happening."
"Is that right?" "And what did your wife think about it?"
Morris said, "Well, it damn near woke her up!"

503-
Q. How do you get your husband interested in oral sex?
A. Douche with beer.

504-
"Why I didn't listen to Mother, I'll never know!" screamed Mrs. Shooter. "She told me not to marry you!" 
Mr. Shooter put down the book he was about to throw. "Your mother said that?" 
"She did!" 
"Damn," Shooter said. "How I've misjudged that woman all these years!"

505-
A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant, and the husband kept looking over at a nearby table where a lady sat in a drunken stupor.
His wife asks, "I notice you've been watching that lady for some time now. Do you know her?"
"Yes" he replied, "she's my ex-wife, and she's been drinking like that since I dumped her seven years ago."
"That's unbelievable" his wife replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long"

506-
Old guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his young blonde wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, 7 inch steel heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.
"What happened here?" he asks.
"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.
Just then a naked guy floats by.
"Who's that?" demands the husband.
"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."

507-
During the wedding reception in the family mansion, the bride's Grandfather slipped her five $100 bills which she concealed in her glove, since he told her to keep it for "mad money".
By tradition, the couple spent their first night together in the family's historic house. The bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs later that night, and asked where she was going. "I left my gloves in the library, Grand-Mama, and it's important that I have them."
"Oh you youngsters !" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damn thing with your bare hands just as I did your Grandfather's."

508-
A big heavy set housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Mike! I'm paralysed! I can't get up!"
He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."

509-
A man started to go to a psychiatrist but was too embarrassed to tell his wife about that.
His conscious bothered him and one day he told his wife: “Darling, I’ve got a little confession to make, I’m seeing a psychiatrist”
The wife said” I also have a little confession to make; I’m seeing a psychiatrist a butcher a plumber and two mechanics” 

510-
A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said... 
''Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill.'' 
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt. 
''Yep,'' he said,'' just what I thought, just about the same size.'' 
The wife became mad and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day. 
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, 
''How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?'' 
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. 
''What's the matter?'' he asked. 
She replied... 
''You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little old weenie, do you?''

511-
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness as he suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the new golf clubs I bought you. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

512-
"Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

513-
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. 
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. 
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

514-
Mary said to her neighbour, "Don't tell me you believe your husband's story that he spent the day fishing. Why, he didn't come home with a single fish." 
That's why I believe him," the neighbour said

515-
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." 
So he tied her up and went golfing.

516-
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. 

517-
My wife hasn't spoken to me since the baby was born because of a little misunderstanding. She called me at work and said her water had broken and I called the plumber.

518-
Ah yes ! ... there were a plenty of fine rosie cheeked, step-dancin', Irish colleens to squire to the weekend church dances from families fresh off the boat from the ole sod back then. But it was one lovely well put together high steppin' lass, that entranced me to no end., a Miss Maureen Kelly. 
I found her, wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give in, nor even get near to a bed with me. and to her, a picnic was a definite thing to fear, a reclining position on the ground. I almost thought she had the calling and would be oft soon a nunnery to be lookin' like a penquin unless I did somethin' desparate 
So finally, if I ever intended to reach or taste the overheated treasures of my imagined personal nirvannah, I decided to make the unforgivable sacrifice and broke down and proposed marriage and to my utmost surprise she accepted with alacrity right there on the spot without so much as uttering a Jesus, Joseph and Mary and I was cooked, 
On the wedding night, as we undressed in the chilly little lakeside honeymoon cottage, I said, "You know, Maureen, I never would have married and given up me freedom if you had gone to bed with me like all the other girls did." 
Aye, " said she with a twinkle in her eye, a blush and a growin' reddness in a spot just below her chin, as she called me to her waitin' bosom, " Sister Margaret Mary told me that experience was the best teacher an I've found it true me lad," Maureen said. "Cuz t'was sure as hell how I lost all me other suitors." 

519-
A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she was not, as her fiancé thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what to do. "No Problem," said the friend, who had just finished watching an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. "Just buy a piece of raw liver and shove it up inside you. It will make you tight and he will never know the difference."
The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom consummated the marriage with tremendous energy in the bed, on the floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere. She fell asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the following note pinned to her pillow: Dear Jane: Last night was pure heaven. Unfortunately, since we will never be able to repeat that performance, I am leaving you forever. P.S. Your pussy is in the sink.

520-
The Relationship With Your Wife/Girlfriend Is Over When ...
- She puts your dinner on the floor in the Rover Dish.
- The milkman is wearing your bathrobe.
- You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show.
- She starts every sentence with the words ... "To whom it may concern."
- Your mail comes addressed to "Current Resident."
- The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit.
- Her mother looks at you and starts laughing.
- You are urged to stir your coffee "very well," before drinking it.
- Your favourite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet.
- All of your shirts have a target painted on them.
- People are already referring to her as the "widow."
- You come home and all that is left of the house is the foundation.
- Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads ... "Joe's Place."

521-
A man walked into his office and told his male co-workers his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex.
They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"
"Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis of the wrist."

522-
The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee. "Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. 
"And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."

523-
A young, naive new bride went to lunch with an older more experienced girlfriend from work soon after returning from her honeymoon. Her newfound friend was enquiring, how she was enjoying married life?
"Well," the new bride responded, "I'm a bit concerned cuz my husband has this habit of falling asleep with his erect penis inside of me."
"Is that a problem for you ?" her girlfriend asked.
The response was, "Well, the problem is he walks in his sleep!"

524-
My wife simply does not understand the business world. She insists I'm cheating on her, despite my clear explanation that I'm simply out-sourcing the sexual component of her job description to free her up for other projects.

525-
When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."

526-
We've been married a little over four years, and we just celebrated our "Wooden" Anniversary. 
I asked her to give me a blow job and she wooden

527-
Bill's wife asked him to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman' the other day. 
She hit him over the head when he came back with 'A Fish Called Wanda'.

528-
Did you hear about the couple who finally became sexually compatible? 
They achieved simultaneous headaches. 

529-
Things Not To Say On Your Anniversary ...
Today is our what?
I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for MacDonald's.
You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
I thought we only celebrated important events?
Having sex doesn't count as a gift?
I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about sex.
You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

530-
Wedding Telegrams..................
The Bureau of Meteorology forecasts rainstorms so the bride can expect a few good inches overnight.
Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch instalments.
Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom Mounted.
Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and She'll last for many years.
Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.
Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk.
If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.
Go for it mate. We all did!
All the best from Mr and Mrs Farkin and all the Farkin kids.
Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One long hard route.
Travel Agency to Bride: The groom's face leaves at midnight. Be on it.
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
Football coach to bride: If you've tried him in 18 positions and he's still no good, pull him off.
Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

531-
Love And Marriage ...
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. 
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. 
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. 
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. 
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? 
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. 
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." 
Henry Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." 
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." 
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." 
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up. 
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... 
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. 
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. 
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. 
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. 
Anonymous

532-
There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counsellor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.
There were two city gals and one farm gal.
The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.
Well the counsellor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counsellor if you keep a good record.
He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was The pail and saucer method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant.
Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.
Well the counsellor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.
He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.
He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.
She replied, Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him!! 

533-
A MAN'S PERFECT WEDDING
If Men Were in Charge of Weddings:
There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger" rather than a "Rehearsal Dinner."
Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.
They would have NO tan lines.
Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colours.
June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."
There would be "Tailgate Receptions."
Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.
Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.
Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine coloured napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.
Favours would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her butt.
Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.
No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something.
Invitations would read as follows:
Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the ol' ball and chain... He's getting married. He either: A) knocked her up, B) couldn't get a different roommate, or C) caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him For the rest of his life at Texas Stadium On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at The Clubhouse after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B

534-
A woman army driver, after a long drive arrived at her destination, a remote camp, at midnight. The sergeant on duty showed her where to leave the vehicle, and then said, "Where will you sleep tonight?"
She said, "Well, the only thing I could do is to sleep in the cab."
The sergeant thought for a moment and said, "It's a cold night, tell you what, you can have my bunk if you like, I'll sleep on the floor."
The girl eagerly accepted the offer. After the girl turned in, she felt sorry for the sergeant sleeping there on the cold hard floor, and offered him to squeeze in alongside of her on the bunk.
Without much ado, the sarge got in and then said, "Do you want to sleep single or married?"
The girl giggled and said, "It'd be nice if we slept 'married', don't you think?"
"Well okay, if that's what you want, we'll sleep 'married' then," he said turning his back on her and fell asleep.

535-
"Hey! This looks like a great meal! I knew my brother was lucky to have such a beautiful wife," said Ray, "but I didn't know you were a fantastic cook as well." 
"I feel I should warn you, Ray," she simpered, "that I expect my husband home in an hour." 
"But I'm not doing anything." he protested. 
"I know," she sighed. "I just wanted to let you know how much time you had."

536-
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. 

537-
Woman serving dinner to husband:
"It's a hamburger surprise. You had it yesterday and the day before, and you certainly didn't expect to get it again tonight."

538-
My husband is a scientist by profession, I love him for his alert nature, and the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.
Three years in the courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, I am getting tired of it, the reasons of me loving him before have now transformed into the reasons of all the restlessness. I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive and exquisite when it comes to relationship and feelings. I yearn for romantic moments, as though a little boy yearning for candy. But my husband is just a contrast of me. His lack of sensitivity and inability to bring romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love.
One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision that I wanted a divorce. "Why?" he asked, shockingly. "I am tired. There aren't reasons for everything in the world." I answered. He kept silent the whole night. Seemed to be in deep thoughts the whole night with a cigarette lit all the time.
My feelings of disappointment were getting intense.. A man who can't even express his detainment. What else can I hope from him? And finally he asked :" What can I do to change your mind?" Somebody said it right! It's hard to change a person's personality. And I guess I had started losing faith in him. Looking deeply into his eyes , I slowly answered : "Here is a question. If you can find the answer in my heart, I will change my mind. Let's say, I love a flower at a mountain cliff, and we both know that making you pick it ,will cause your death. Will you do it for me?"
He said :" I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My heart just sank from hearing his reply.
The next morning, he was not around, and I saw a piece of paper with his scratching writing, with a glass of warm milk under it. It read....
Dear,
"I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to further explain the reasons." This first lines had already broken my heart. I continued reading.
"You only type with computers and always mess up the programs in our PC, then cry in front of screen. I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.
You always leave the house keys behind. I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.
You love travelling, but always lose your way in a new city. I have to save my eyes to lead you the way.
You always get cramps whenever your "that time of month" comes. I have to save my palm so that I can calm the cramp in your tummy.
You like to stay indoors. And I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.
You always stare at the computer, and that does no good to your eyes. I have to save my eyes so that when we grow older, I can help to clip your nails and help to remove those annoying white hairs.
I will hold your hand while strolling down the beach, enjoying the sunshine and the beautiful sands, and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the glow on your young face.
Thus , dear , before I am sure there is someone else who loves you more than I do, I will not pick the flower and die from it. "
My tears dropped on the letter, and blurred the ink of his hand writing. Then I resumed my reading...
"And now, dear, you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied with these answers, please open the door of our house. I am standing there with your favourite bread and fresh milk.
I rushed to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, with his hand holding tight on the milk and bread.
Oh! I am sure no one ever loves me as much. And now I have decided to leave the flower alone.
That's life, or some say love, when one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement may fade away, and one may tend to ignore the fact that true love lies in between the peace and dullness.
Love shows in any form, even in a very little and corny form. It has never been a model. It can be the most incurious form.. . flowers. Romantic moments are only the buckish form on the surface of the relationship. Under all these, the pillar of true love stands. And that's our life.
I hope you have enjoyed reading it. Love ,not words, win the arguments.

539-
A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband." 

540-
A man enters his apartment to find his wife making passionate love on the couch with another man, and he starts yelling at her.
"Oh, great!" said the woman. "Big mouth's home; now the whole building will know!"

541-
Joshua is mega-rich and is always lavishing expensive presents on his wife, Naomi. But today, Joshua is in big trouble. He has forgotten that it’s their wedding anniversary. 
Naomi looks him in his eyes and says, in a very serious manner, "Tomorrow, Joshua, there had better be something for me outside our garage that goes from 0 to 200 in next to no time at all, or else....." 
Naomi gets up early next morning, opens her front door and finds a small package outside the garage. She opens it and finds, of all things, brand new bathroom scales. 
The funeral is on Sunday.

542-
Comebacks For "Why Aren't You Married?"
Because I don't like having a 50% chance of someday losing everything that is important to me.
You haven't asked yet.
What? And spoil my great sex life?
Just lucky, I guess.
I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.
I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheque.
Why aren't you thin?

543-
As Sadie and Irving are leaving the mall, they see their neighbour's son Paul and his fiancée Sharon just going in.
"Did you see that? " Sadie says.
"See what?" asks Irving, pretending not to know what Sadie is referring to.
"Paul's fiancée, that's who," Sadie says, "She's dressing all wrong. She's probably 37-23-35 and with big breasts like hers, she shouldn't be wearing such a skimpy see through top. And such a tight leather skirt she's wearing - I don't know how she can breathe properly. And it's so short, it make her legs look too long. I know she's got a beautiful face but I don't think blonde dyed hair suits her. Believe me, Irving, that marriage won't last more than 1 year."
With a deep sigh, Irving replies, "Please God I should have such a year."

544-
A woman's husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie.
She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub. "It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs to bed?"
"We might as well," slurs the husband. "I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."

545-
According to my mother, she and Dad decided to start a family soon after he became an officer in the Air Force. When months went by without success, they consulted the base physician, who chose to examine Mum right then and there. "Please disrobe," he told her. "With him in the room??" she yelled, pointing to my father. 
Turning to Dad, the doctor said, "Captain, I think I found the problem."

546-
Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me. Married 48 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 48 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 22 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 70 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 22 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed...

547-
Q. How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
A. When her favourite sexual position is next door.

548-
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. 
Every now and then she stops to breathe. "

549-
Charles, a Frenchman, was leaving his Parisian home for a few weeks and confided in his friend, Pierre, "I always hate leaving my wife for so long like this. When I'm away, I just don't know what she is doing. There's always the doubt, always the doubt."
Pierre said, "Charles, I'll tell you what. Because we're such close friends, I'll keep an eye on her every evening that you're gone."
"You would do that for me, Pierre?" Charles said, relieved. "Oh thank you so very much. I know I really should trust my wife, but it's just that there's always the doubt, always the doubt."
So Charles went off on his business trip and returned to Paris three weeks later. The two men met again.
"Charles, I'm afraid I have bad news for you," Pierre said. "The very first night you were gone, I watched this man go to your house. Your wife opened the door naked and kissed and hugged him. He fondled her breasts. He rubbed her crotch. Then they closed the door to go upstairs. Never daunted, I climbed up the tree outside your house and watched them in the bedroom."
"And so...?" inquired Charles.
"Well, first they took off all his clothes"
"What happened then?" asked Charles.
"Then," Pierre shook his head sorrowfully, "then they closed the curtains. I could see nothing. I could learn nothing more."
Charles sighed a deep sigh. "So you see how it is, my friend? Always the doubt, always the doubt."

550-
"Will I be the first to do this to you ?" whispered the man after his bride-to-be finally consented to sex.
"What a silly question..." giggled the girl, "I don't even know what position you want to use yet."

551-
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

552-
On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at London's Gatwick Airport. Tania headed for the British-passport control line while I, an American, waited in the foreigner's line. When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit. "Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon." The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. "That's very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport. "Most men bring their wives with them."

553-
A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husband's constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.
While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.
I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW
P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."

554-
The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.
When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each other's clothes and are quickly in bed.
He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times.
*Three times!*
He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.
"What's wrong, dear?" he asks
"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then -- three come all at once!"

555-
A man meets his ex- wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.

556-
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,
"Not anymore!... He is!"

557-
Little Johnny and a girl playing in a mud box and Little Johnny, being a little boy, was playing with his goober.
The little girl was not bothering anybody she was sitting there playing with a crawfish when all of a sudden she dropped the crawfish between her legs.
Little Johnny had got bored and wanted to see what kind of goob the little girl had. He put his hand down between the girls legs and you can imagine what happened ... YES ... Little Johnny's finger was just about taken off.
Poor Little Johnny ... this gave him a complex. All through grammar school, middle school, high school, he wouldn't have anything to do with a girl. He went to college and the last year there, he met this girl and after college they got married. They had been married now for about 6 months and Johnny came home to a crying wife.
She said, "Honey sit down we need to talk. Am I ugly? Do you love me?"
He said, "No you're not ugly. And yes I love you. And why do you ask?"
"Because we dated a year in college and have been married for six months and we have not made love," she said.
Little Johnny said, "I am so sorry. Let me tell you a story about what happened to me when I was a kid." And he did.
The woman started laughing and said, "Honey I promise I won't hurt you!"
Little Johnny said, "I'm sorry but if you can't love me for who I am then we need to split up."
She said, "Just let me prove it!" So she stood up, took all her clothes off and went to the kitchen and got a piece of bread. She went back to her husband and said, "Watch."
She started to put the bread down there when she farted!
Little Johnny flew into the bedroom and locked the door. His wife beat on the door and pleaded for him to come out!!
He replied, "Oh no I told you it would hurt me! If that sucker growls over a piece of bread, just imagine what it will do to a piece of MEAT!"

558-
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a late-model Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" 
He calmly told them, "I bought it today." 
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." 
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." 
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. 
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." 
"Oh, Mercy," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." 
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. 
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.

559-
Their marriage had been shaky. He was looking shifty and she was sulking. They were washing the dishes. She was washing, he was drying. She handed him a saucer and it broke as he dropped it on the floor.
"Why don't you admit it!", she shouted. "Tell me, where do you go on Tuesday and Thursday nights?!"
The husband looked embarrassed blushed. "Nowhere much", he said.
"You liar" she said "You're playing rugby for the Lions! I demand an explanation," she shouted.
Still looking embarrassed, the husband said "I'm going down to the local massage parlour for some extra sex and excitement. I'm having sex with prostitutes for money, and that's all. Then I come home."
"You're a liar!", screamed the wife. "You are secretly playing rugby for the Lions! You're going to practice during the week playing on Saturday afternoons, aren't you?"
"No! No!", protested the husband. I just go for a bit of extra sex! I'm just looking for a stray piece of crumpet down at the singles bar or getting it on with one of the whores."
"Do you swear you're not playing rugby for the Lions?", she demanded. "
I swear I'm not. I'm just spending £200 or £300 a week on professional sex", he continued.
Sobbing with relief, she threw herself into his arms and kissed him. "Forgive me", she said, "I'm sorry I didn't trust you."
They continued washing the dishes. She handed him a cup and it slipped from his fingers and smashed on the floor. "You dirty bloody liar!", she screamed, "You ARE playing for Lions!!!

560-
A husband and wife are campaigning for a friend who is contesting the local elections. They both become so busy that they do not think of anything else but about the elections so much so that they communicate about everything in political language.
One night the husband wants to have sex desperately, but seeing the wife busy doing some work, goes to her and says, "I would like to put my candidate in your legislature."
The wife, not realizing this was meant for something else, without raising her head says, "Our party is not going to accept this." The husband is disappointed but he goes to sleep.
After some time the wife realizes what the husband meant, so she wakes him up and tells him, "Darling, now you can put your candidate in my legislature."
Husband, "Sorry, I cannot do that. My candidate stood independent and lost his deposit."

561-
Saturday morning: Barry and his wife have been sleeping soundly all night. 
A small alarm by his side of the bed sounds a wake-up trill and he shuts it off immediately. 
He then pushes the sheet back carefully so as not to disturb his wife. 
Then, he showers, shaves, and combs and brushes his hair. 
As he's tiptoeing to the closet to select his golf clothes, his wife stirs and wakens. 
"And, just what do you think you're doing?" she asks. 
"Um," he answers, "just getting dressed to meet the guys at the club for a big round of golf this morning, hon." 
"No way! You know we have far too many things to do around the house today," she barked back at him. 
"I know, I know," he replies. "We're going to tee off at 8, play 18 holes, probably have one or two drinks together in the bar, then I'll jump in the car and head straight home around 12:45. 
Even if I'm delayed for some odd reason, I swear that I'll be back here no later than 1 o'clock." 
His wife shrugs her best shrug and says, "O.K., but you'd better be back at or before 1! Do NOT! DO NOT play 36 holes, as you often do!" 
SOOO, Barry is relieved. He grabs his cap and clubs and heads out the door. Just as planned, he and three buddies meet at the club, attach their bags to the carts and then drive off toward the first tee. 
To everyone's credit, all four guys played very, very well the whole round. During a couple of drinks each in the club's bar, they rehashed the round, hole by hole. 
Remembering his promise to his wife, Barry looked at the clock behind the bar ... "12:45" it read. 
So up he jumps, and with spirited words of goodbye to his friends, he rushes to his car, throws his clubs into the back seat, and zooms off - homeward bound. "I can get there in 3 minutes," he said to himself. 
By the side of the curb about 8 blocks from the club, he sees a beautiful red-haired woman standing at the rear of her car, and he immediately notices that her left-rear tire is quite flat. "I can change that tire for her in a jiffy," he thinks, "and make it home perhaps five minutes later than promised." 
So, always the gentleman his mother had taught him to be, he stopped behind her car, got out, introduced himself, then pulled his own tire tools out of his trunk. 
He then put on the spare and tightened the last lug nut, finishing the job at precisely 1 p.m. "I can still make it home by 1:05," he thought. 
However! Slow down there, big fella! This story isn't nearly over. 
The redhead walks toward him to thank him over and over for his help. "I live just around the corner here," she then half whispers to him. "I want to thank you by buying you a drink at my house. Please follow me! Please!" 
Barry mulled her proposition for a whole second, then agreed. After parking in her driveway, she leads him inside to her den, where she sits in the middle of the couch and pats the cushion next to her. 
He sits, pushover that he is. She then mixes two drinks for them; hers goes to the coffee table, his into his hand. 
They each take a single sip, She then tells him to relax while she does a few things to make them more comfortable - she closes the blinds and drapes, turns on the CD player, and then drifts out of sight with "I'm going to find more comfortable clothes" dripping from her lips. 
She wasn't gone three minutes when she returned in all of her glory ... that's ALL of her glory! And, she was a TRUE redhead!
To finally end this tale, let it be understood that they made mad, passionate love for three solid hours. 
THEN came "OH, MY GOD!" says Barry. It's 4 o'clock! I promised my wife that I'd be home by 1 to do yard work. I'm leaving, beautiful lady...leaving now!" 
So, up he jumps, to the door and to his car he runs, climbs in and races home....there to see his wife standing in the driveway to greet him! "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!" she bellowed. "It's 5 minutes after 4! You promised to be home by 1! I want ANSWERS!!!!" 
"Ok, dear," he said. "Here's what happened, so help me God. I met the guys at the course; we played 18 holes; then we had a couple of drinks in the bar. I said goodbye to them at 12:45 and jumped in the car. A few blocks from the club, I saw a woman with a flat tire, so I stopped to change it for her. She was so grateful, she invited me to her house, which was just around the corner, so that she could fix a drink for me. I followed her there. We sat on the couch with our drinks, then she stood and walked around to close the drapes and turn on the CD player. That done, she said she wanted to put on more comfortable clothes. When she returned, she was hardly wearing anything. What could I do? So we made love on her couch for nearly three hours!! I finally came to my senses, put my clothes back on and almost flew home to apologize for being three hours late. I'm sorry, honey! I'M REALLY SORRY!" 
His wife said back to him when he'd finished his speech: "You lying son of a bitch! YOU PLAYED 36 HOLES!"
There IS a God! 

562-
Moanin' Mike is sitting in his local bar with his buddies, sharing a beer and bragging about his sex life. Moanin' says, I have great sex with my wife. She's very vocal, she can really rattle the windows, and most of it really turns me on. I love it when she screams, 'Harder!' I love it when she screams, 'Faster!' "Man, you lucky dog! Says his one buddy. But come on and tell the truth, isn't there sometimes a problem with your sex life?" "The only problem I have..." Moanin' said dejectedly, "Is when she screams, ....'Deeper!'"

563-
Many years ago, my ex-wife came home from a department store with one of those new-fangled "living" bras.
After a day or two, she declared that it was the best, most comfortable and most wonderful bra she had ever worn.
As a result, she took the best care possible with it. She would wash it in the mildest soap, rinse it in the purest water and carefully hung it in the sun to dry.
Every night she would carefully hang it on the bedpost where it would be handy for her in the morning.
We thought it was a very happy "living" bra.
However, one morning, tragedy struck. We awoke to find the "living" bra had died.
At first we thought it had died of natural causes, but soon discovered it had committed suicide, for it had left a note saying that,
"It couldn't go on living an empty life!"

564-
A minister was called to a local nursing home to perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The pastor sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions. "Do you love her?" The old man replied, "I guess." "Is she a good Christian woman?" "I don't know for sure," the old man answered. "Does she have lots of money?" asked the pastor. "I doubt it." "Then why are you marrying her?" the preacher asked. "She can drive at night," the old man said

565-
A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making: 
Dad: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing. 
Son: What do you mean, Dad? 
F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?" 
S: What do other women say? 
F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit." 
S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over." 
F: That's male nurses. But let's move on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally." 
S: And what does mother say? 
F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige." 

566-
"What grounds do you think you have?" asked the attorney whom the woman was consulting about a divorce. "My husband keeps bringing his work home with him night after night!" exclaimed the client. "But that's hardly grounds for divorce," smiled the attorney. "Why, I do that myself." "Sure, I can see a man doing it if he's a lawyer," snapped the woman, "but my husband's a pimp."

567-
AN E-MAIL SENT TO SOMEONE THAT WAS IN A CHAT ROOM!! THIS IS TRUE!! GOT TO BE CAREFUL WHEN IN A CHAT ROOM LADIES.....LOL!!
Let me assure you that "Chuck" -- if that's what he's calling himself these days -- is indeed married.
You might have known him via previous "chat" screen names as "HunkSurfer", "CrusinDude", "DoctorTongue", or "Captain69".
Well, you little chat whore, let me break some news to you.
Chuck and I have been married for 10 years.
Not all of those 10 years have been HAPPY.
Chuck is to blame of course.
Chuck has had a problem over the last five years keeping little Chuck (and let me stress it is little, despite those web cam photos he was passing around WHICH I FOUND AND DELETED) in his pants (which I would like to point out I buy... the man could not dress himself in the morning without my help ... you should have seen his underwear before we got married).
NOTE: RIGHT HERE WAS THEIR PHOTO, BUT ------------ DOESN'T WANT TO GET INTO TROUBLE....LOL, SORRY!!
Recognize Chuck?
THAT'S OUR WEDDING PHOTO you will BE GLAD TO KNOW.
A bit shocked are you, you Internet Chat Whore who thinks she can steal my man because she flashed her boobies on her web cam?
Let me clear up some other of Chuck's typical lies:
LIE: I own my own business... a talent agency.
TRUTH: Chuck is a drummer and he is unemployed most of the time. He does work for my father.
LIE: I am a fighter pilot.
TRUTH: Again, another falsehood. The closest Chuck comes to jet fighters is his computer games. Chuck plays a lot of computer games and that is his goal in life!
KNOW THIS IF YOU THINK OF STEALING HIM FROM ME.
LIE: I'm good in bed. I've made lesbians switch.
TRUTH: Chuck is a lying mother fucker.
LIE: I'm a good cook.
TRUTH: Chuck can't cook.
LIE: Let me cook you dinner some time.
TRUTH: This means I'm away on business and he's trying to lure you to OUR house to have SEX with you.
He won't cook for you. . He will try to have SEX with you. IN OUR BED.
LIE: I'm 5'10".
TRUTH: Chuck is 5'7"
LIE: I'm a Taurus.
TRUTH: The lying mother fucker is a Cancer.

568-
While I was watching the 'Football' one weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle. She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartarse.

569-
There were these two women who were friends and neighbours. One noticed that the other always seemed to have lots of new goodies; jewellery, furs, latest fashions, frequent hair salon trips & manicures, etc. She asked:" how do you get all that great stuff?" " I do it by charging my husband five dollars every time we have sex", she said "and you can do the same, it really adds up. But you must remain firm. Don't let him talk you into accepting less, don't let him coax you into doing it for no charge." " Great, she said, "that sounds easy, I'll do it". So, the next time her hubby wanted to have sex, she said: "From now on, you have to give me five dollars each time we have sex" She also told him why. "Oh, I see", he said; "okay". He then went to get the money, but realized that he had only $4.50 She refused to accept it: "If we have sex you must give me the full amount, five bucks". He said: "Alright, so we can't have sex; but can I touch you for the $4.50 ? We'll just make-out, okay?" "Okay" she said. As her hubby kissed her, fondled her body, rubbed against her, etc. she got really hot and bothered. Finally, she was so turned on, that she said to him: "If it's all the same to you, I'll lend you fifty cents until tomorrow."

570-
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.
Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.
"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."
"No, actually I bring the dog out here to piss on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure."

571-
Once upon a time, Leah asks Bernie, "Will you marry me?" 
Bernie says, "No," and Leah lives happily ever after - she goes shopping whenever she wants, drinks martinis, meets her women friends regularly, always has a clean house, has no men’s clothes strewn all over the place, never has to cook, never has her blankets pulled off her, stays slim, never has to feign a headache, never has to watch sports on television, and farts whenever she wants. The End 

572-
WHAT EVERY MAN EXPECTS IN A WIFE
~ She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
~ She could marry a movie star, but wants only you. 
~ She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops. 
~ Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm. 
~ She will never be sick--just allergic to jewellery and fur coats. 
~ She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good for her figure. 
~ She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet. 
~ Her favourite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shovelling snow. 
~ She will hate charge cards. 
~ Her favourite expression will be, "What can I do for you, honey?" 
~ She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America. 
~ She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done. 
~ She will love you because you're so sexy.

WHAT HE USUALLY GETS
~ She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180. 
~ She was once a model ... for a totem pole. 
~ Where there's smoke, there she is -- cooking. 
~ She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating. 
~ She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say. 
~ No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory. 
~ If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.

573-
Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? 
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

574-
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?" 
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."

575-
John & Marsha were having marital difficulties, neither being able to satisfy the other sexually. Their marriage slowly disintegrating, they sought the help of one doctor after another without success. One day Marsha visited her friend Dorothy, who was quite a woman of the world, and casually mentioned the problem.
"It's not the first time I've heard of it," said Dorothy. "You can go to all the doctors in the world and they can't help you. But there is a remedy."
"For God's sake, Dorothy, tell me what it is!" exclaimed Marsha.
"I don't think I should," answered Dorothy, "because it is unusual, and you might be offended."
To make a very long story short, Marsha continued her entreaties until Dorothy finally broke down.
She said, "Well, since you insist, and against my better judgment, I will tell you. The only remedy is for John to eat it."
"Oh, no!" exclaimed Marsha, "He would never do that!"
Dorothy shrugged. "There you have it -- take it or leave it. You asked and I told you."
Driving home Marsha thought it over, and concluded the suggestion deserved a trial, anyway. So she prepared an unusually fine supper for John that night. When he returned from work he enjoyed it mightily, but wondered a bit about the reason for it.
"That was a great meal," he said. "Anything unusual happen today? Enjoy your visit with Dorothy?"
Marsha told John of Dorothy's suggestion.
"Absolutely not!" he exploded.
"I won't engage in such disgusting practices."
But Marsha urged and begged until finally John gave in. 
"OK," he said. "I guess it won't hurt to try it once."
Marsha went up and got into bed, pulling the covers up to her neck. This was a bit unusual, since it was August and the weather was sweltering, but Marsha was uneasy about the whole business and didn't want to feel immodest.
When John arrived he surveyed the scene and tried to decide how to proceed. Finally he raised the covers at the foot of the bed and crawled under them. Groping around until he located his target, with much hesitation, he undertook his task.
No sooner than he started, Marsha broke wind explosively.
Under the covers, a muffled voice was heard to say.... "Thank God for that breath of fresh air."

576-
Grandma & grandpa laying in bed one night, when grandma says to grandpa, "Hey, grandpa now that your retired, is there anything that you always wanted but never got?" "Yeh, there is", said grandpa. "What is it?" asked grandma. "Maybe I can get it for you." "Well, grandma, I always wanted a blow-job," said grandpa. "A blow-job is what you want, then a blow-job is what you'll get. But I don't know how to give you one," said grandma. Grandpa says, "Well I've often heard the boys at the plant before I retired, say that in order to get it right, their wives practiced on Ketchup bottles." Grandma says, "O.K. I'll practice all day tomorrow and give you a blow-job when we go to bed." The following night grandpa was waiting patiently with a super hard-on. Grandma approached grandpa, grabbed his penis with her left hand and began punching the top of grandpa's penis with her right hand.

577-
AT THE COUNTRY CLUB.....Insurance man Ray, an 86-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the North Palm Beach Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Ray's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Ray, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Ray replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Ray replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Ray smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 95."

578-
Sarah is married to a well known horticulturist and is both proud and flattered when one day he creates a new type of rose and names it after her. But her happiness is soon cut short when she reads the rose’s description in the catalogue, 
"No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."

579-
Wife: There's a nice-looking lady at the window table.
Husband: She's a hooker.
Wife: How can you be so sure?
Husband: C'mon! Look at her hair, all that make-up, that short skirt, the plunging neckline, and those high heels.
Wife: But you like it when I dress like that. Do you think I look like a hooker?
Husband: There's no way I can get out of this conversation alive, is there?

580-
On their 50th wedding anniversary an old couple decide to spice up their sex life with a Kama Sutra handbook they picked up at a local bookstore. They looked astonishingly at the various positions contained therein. One in particular showed a couple seated opposite one another, naked and with their legs spread apart.
The man was to try to roll marbles between the woman's legs and she was to try to throw plastic hoop-la-hoops around his penis.
The old woman and man smiled at one another "This is it!" they giggled.
The old man said "Ok.. I'll go get the bowling ball."
The old woman said "Ok.. I'll take off my wedding ring."

581-
Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to the movies to cool off. Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologize.
"Hello, darling," he said, "what are you making for dinner?"
"What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things you said to me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner?? Poison, that's what I'm making, poison."
Bernie replies, "Okay then, just make one portion, I'm not coming home."

582-
At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honour, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it. A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much." The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for 'Keep It Short, Stupid'." 

583-
The Bride smiled sweetly at the Maid of Honour when they both overheard the Groom say to the Best Man, "Look, I'm positive she's a virgin. In fact, if you care to bet, I'll give you 20 to 1 odds."
When they were alone though, the Bride shouted, "How could you do such a thing? We're only just married & already you're throwing money away."

584-
The four newlyweds spent their honeymoon at Niagara Falls. They occupied adjoining rooms, sat at the same table, and were inseparable. One evening after dinner as they were returning to their rooms, there was lightning and the lights went off. It was pitch dark, and groping their way they made it to their rooms, and quietly undressed. Jack a religious fellow knelt to pray. Just as he completed his prayer, the lights came on that he saw that he was with his friend's wife. He jumped up and dashed for the door 
"Too late to hurry now," said the girl "Joe never prays!"

585-
Drowsing contentedly after an afternoon of making love in bed, suddenly there's the sound of a the elevator coming up.
Dreamily, the girl whispers, "Oh, oh, quick get moving, that's my husband."
Quick as a flash, Bill jumps out of bed, rushes to the window to see who parked in the visitors lot and suddenly stops dead. "What d'ya mean?" he bellows "I AM your husband!"

586-
George has decided to get married, but not just to anybody. He wants to marry a virgin, a good girl that hasn't fooled around and won't ever. After a bit of thinking, he makes up this scheme to tell "good girls" from "bad girls".
One day, as he's going down the street, he spots Janice, one of the three young women on his "eligible" list. He walks right up to her, pulls down his pants and flashes her.
"Well, Janice," he says, "what do you reckon this is?"
"Why, it's a dick, of course," replies Janice instantly.
Obviously, Janice has been with men before, thinks George, and he cuts her off the list.
Next on the list is Christine. After finding her, he goes on and flashes her too.
"Tell me, Christine, what do you think this is?"
"It's your dick, George," answers Christine.
Off the list goes Christine.
His final hope is in Mary. He finds her and proceeds to the flashing.
"Mary, what do you think this is?" asks George.
Mary looks at his dick for a whole minute, then finally answers. "I honestly don't know, George, I'm sorry."
"ARE YOU SURE?" asks George again, unbelieving. "Here, study it all you want, just be sure."
Mary takes her time and studies George's organ for a full quarter of an hour.
"Sorry, George, I still can't tell what it could possibly be."
George is thrilled, and proposes to her. A few weeks later, they are married. It's their first night together. They both go to bed, naked, and George feels it's time to explain a few things to his wife.
"Mary, I'm going to learn you something very important. See this thing here, between my legs. That's a dick."
"THAT is a dick?" gasps Mary. "You should see John's!"

587-
Marriages are made in heaven. But, again, so are thunder, lightning, tornados and hail.

588-
A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the carriage when an old friend approached her. The friend leaned over, peering into the carriage said, "What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks JUST like his father."
"I know", replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"

589-
When they found out their wives were attending a sex-toy party, the husbands refused to go and pick them up, and instead left them to their own devices.

590-
The other day, I was accosted by a hooker. She asked, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex, honey? Only $50"
"No way!" I responded. "I'm married!!!"
"So??? What difference does that make?" asked the hooker.
So I told her, "The difference is.... My wife will do it for only $35."

591-
"After 10 years of marriage sex with my wife is down to three times a year." 
"Same here pal. " "As a matter of fact, if mine didn't sleep with her mouth open, I'd have none at all."

592-
One guy is very upset and yells at his friend, "You slept with my wife, you son of a bitch. I am gonna make you pay for what you did."
"Bullshit," replies the other one, "why should I pay twice."

593-
Fanny and Myron get married and on their first night in bed, Myron puts his arm around Fanny and very sweetly whispers, "Fanny darling, please pull up your nightgown."
Very sweetly Fanny answers, "Nooo."
Myron asks again, a little sterner, "Fanny pull up your nightgown."
Fanny again says, "No."
Myron is now angry and says, "Fanny, pull up your nightgown or I'm going out the door and you'll never see me again."
"No." says Fanny.
So Myron gets up and goes out the front door, slamming it behind him. Fanny immediately gets up and locks the door.
Not too long after, Myron is back. He tries the front door but finds it locked. So he taps on the door and says, "Fanny, my darling, open the door, it's me."
Fanny says, "Nooo."
Myron knocks a little louder, "Fanny, sweetness, please open the door."
"No." says Fanny.
Myron starts kicking the door and shouts, "Fanny, open this door right now or I'll break it down."
Fanny says, "Really? A door you can break down, but a nightgown you can't pull up?"

594-
Q. How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Who knows, they never get to keep the house.

595-
This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.
He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"
He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"

596-
I told my wife I feel old, fat, bald, useless, and stupid. 
She said, "Don t be silly you're not old."

597-
87 year old Ed is sitting at the bar of his local Senior Citizens Dance Club when in walks Mary. "What a beauty," he says to himself. Then he can't believe his luck when she walks over and starts chatting to him. It was love at first sight for both of them. After dating for only a few weeks, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, they consummate their marriage with a long and passionate sexy romp. As soon as it ends, Mary notices that Ed is very quiet and still. She then realizes that her new husband has died just as he reached his climax.
At Ed's funeral, one of Mary's friends comes over to her and says, "I was so shocked to hear the news, Mary. Whatever happened?"
"Nothing much," Mary replies, "he came and he went."

598-
Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.
"What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively.
"Well," he mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."

599-
Debbie and Marc were out for a drive in the country last Sunday to view the autumn colours of the changing trees and trying to savour the last of the fine weather before the winter doldrums set in.
Coming around a curve on a small country road, Marc had to swerve slightly to get around a very shapely blonde, jogging along the side of the roadway.
Debbie said, "Did you see her?"
"Well, yeah." said Marc.
"That really gets me. I'll never understand some women. She was wearing a necklace, two bracelets, hoop earrings, her nails were freshly polished with Salerno Mavala nail polish, she'd recently spritzed Chanel behind her ears, and she was wearing Yves Saint Laurent lip gloss, and all to jog!" Debbie said.
"You noticed all that?" asked Marc, a bit astonished.
"Yes I did. You telling me you didn't?" remarked Debbie.
Marc commented, "Well not exactly. All I noticed was that she had legs all the way up to her very well rounded cute little butt, a spectacular set of breasts and no wedding ring."
Then Marc had to really swerve once more to avoid being slapped up the side of his head by an irate Debbie!

600-
Sven was out shopping in the mall when he met his friend Ole outside the jewellers. Ole noticed that Sven had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. 
"So vat have you just purchased Sven?" Ole asks. 
"Vell, now that you've asked," replies Sven, "it's my Lena's birthday tomorrow and Sven I asked her this morning vat she vanted for her birthday she said, 'Oh, I don't know, dear, yust give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'"
"So vat did you get her?" Ole asks. 
Sven replied, smiling, "I bought her a deck of cards." 

601-
A man says to his wife, "I fancy some kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?"
The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!"
To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you!"

602-
Two guys from Hawkinsville are quietly sitting in a boat at a pond in Pulaski County Georgia fishing, chewing and sucking down beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." 
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

603-
Daniel arrives home from work at 5pm and as soon as he steps through his front door, his wife Judith starts having a go at him. “Why don’t you ever wipe your feet before walking into the house? ….. I thought you said you were coming home at lunch time today …… Where’s the shopping I asked you to get on the way home? ….. You left the toilet seat up again this morning. …. Don’t you ever think of buying me flowers, like you used to do? …." 
This incessant criticism, nagging and complaining goes on for nearly 2 hours - nothing Daniel says or does seems to be right by her. By 7pm, Daniel has had enough. But he knows better than to have a go at Judith so he tries a more tactical approach. 
"Darling," he says, "Please - let’s start again. I’ll go back outside and shut the door. Then I’ll open the door and come in. We can then pretend I’ve just come home. What do you think?" 
"OK," she replies. 
So Daniel puts on his coat, goes outside, shuts the door, waits a minute, opens the door, and steps in with a smile on his face. He immediately announces, in a musical tone, "Oh darling, I’m home.” 
"And just where have you been?" says Judith, "It's past seven o'clock!" 

604-
A man goes to his psychiatrist complaining about marriage problems. The shrink asks him, "Do you talk to your wife during sex?" "Sure," says the guy, "I've got a cell phone!"

605-
The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session.
"Property holder?"
"Yes, I am, Your Honour."
"Married or single?"
"Married for twenty years, Your Honour."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in twenty years, Your Honour."

606-
Husband's note to his wife: 
"Honey, your Doctor's office called: Said Pabst beer is normal."

607-
Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.
He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room. Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" Again Joe thought this was good stuff.
Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

608-
A newly married couple had moved in their first house. The following morning, the wife was cooking breakfast when her husband interrupted by asking what was she doing.
She replied, "I'm making breakfast". The husband said "Oh no honey, we don't need that. We're going to live on Love alone". 
He pushes the plates and forks off the table, lays her on top and proceeds to "eat" her. They were both satisfied. 
Noontime came and the husband saw his wife cooking. He asked what she was doing and she replied, "I'm making lunch". 
He said, "Oh no honey, we don't need that, we're going to live on Love alone". He lays her on top of the table and proceeds to "eat" her. 
They were both satisfied. Evening came and the husband saw his wife running up the stairs and sliding down the banister repeatedly. 
He asked her what she was doing. She replied "I'm warming up dinner".

609-
Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) 
It's been adult ridden and all wheels have always been on the ground. I used it as a cruiser/commuter. 
I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of my loving wife. 
Apparently, "Do whatever you want!" doesn't mean what I thought. 
Ask for Steve.

610-
A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:
"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum.
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need, worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in the midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:
"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is:
STERNUM!"

611-
A guy from New York married a hillbilly girl. On the honeymoon, the New Yorker asked his new bride if there was any difference in the lovemaking of city guys and hillbillies.
She paused for a moment and said calmly, well you city guys walk up and stick it in, but the hillbilly guys stick it in and then walk up. Needless to say that was the end of the conversation.

612-
At a session with a marriage counsellor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true ! I do so enjoy sex !" Then, turning to the counsellor, she explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year !"

613-
A man was brought up on charges of bigamy.
The judged looked at the docket and said, "Good God, man! You're charged with marrying six women. How could you do such a thing?"
"Hey, judge, gimme a break," the man replied. "I was only trying to find a good one."

614-
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked, "And where were you when I got married?"

615-
"I've been married a long time and I'm just starting to scratch the surface of what women really want. I don't know, but the answer probably lies somewhere between chocolate and conversation."

616-
Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time. 
A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip. 
"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!" says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11' all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!" 
"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies. "My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!" 
"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!" 

617-
A recent widow was crying to a grief counsellor. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the counsellor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

618-
Husband: Oh, come on. 
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? 
Husband: Because I'm Hot. 
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight. 
Husband: Please...come on 
Wife: Alright, I'll do it. 
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes. 
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good. 
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

619-
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".
The husband thought for a few moments, then said,
"Your pussy is tighter than your sister's".

620-
A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death."
"Why such an odd stipulation?" asks the attorney.
"Because," he says, "I want someone to be sorry I died."

621-
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."

622-
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.

623-
The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, "Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?" 
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the piqued bride demanded: "Who was that woman?!" 
"Take it easy, Honey," said the groom, 
"I'm going to have trouble enough explaining you to her." 

624-
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later.
Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. 'Do you realize what time it is," she said.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."
"Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!".

625-
A guy comes home with some multi-flavoured condoms to spice up the long winter nights. He comes in, throws off his coat, and announces it to his missus, who becomes immediately excited. Without a word, she grabs him by the nuts and drags him upstairs. He jumps into bed, and she runs off to the bathroom to powder her nose. While he is lying in the bed, hands behind his head, the wife comes in. She strips at the foot of the bed and slides up under the bedding and starts playing the pink oboe. Suddenly, she lifts the bedding and says to her husband "Mmmmm, cheese and onion?" To which he replies, "No, hang on a minute. I haven't put one on yet!"

626-
Q: What is common between a wife and a swimming pool? 
A: The cost of maintenance is too high compared to the time you spend inside them!

627-
Dear Wife: 
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good...!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! 

Dear Ex-Husband: Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99... After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl! I hope that's not a problem

628-
Q: Why do divorced men get married again?
A: Lack of memory....

629-
Luigi: "Father, I want an annulment."
Priest: "Why, Luigi?"
Luigi: "I think I married my sister."
Priest: "No, no Luigi. I've known you and your wife all your lives, and there is no relation. What makes you think you've married your sister?"
Luigi: "Last night -- we undress for bed -- she look at me -- she say --"Oh, brother!"

630-
David is the same as ever." gossiped his wife on the telephone. "All he ever thinks about all day long is sex... sex... sex."
"Now that's just not true at all." called out David, relaxing in his recliner. "For the past half-hour, I've been laying here thinking about you."

631-
One summer evening, as they’re quietly lying in bed, Isaac surprises his wife Ruth - and in over 20 years of marriage, surprising her is not something he’s won prizes for. Ruth suddenly feels his hands start to move over her body and soon he’s fondling her in ways that she hasn't experienced in years. 
His fingers begin by stroking her neck. Then they start moving down to the small of her back, stopping as they softly caress her shoulders. Then his fingers start moving again, slowly sliding down over her breasts and stopping when they reach her stomach. All this time, his fingers are continually moving around. 
They then begin again by caressing the inside of her right arm, moving gently down the side of her breast, continuing down her side, passing gently over her toches and then down her right leg to her calf. Then his fingers start moving up her inner thigh, stopping at the uppermost portion of her right leg. 
A few seconds later, Isaac’s fingers start to work on Ruth’s left side, following the same path as before and ending at the uppermost portion of her left leg. 
Then as suddenly as it had began, and without saying a word to her, Isaac stops, removes his hand and rolls over onto his side. 
Naturally, Ruth has become quite aroused by all of the sexy caressing she has just experienced, so she says to Isaac in a soft and sexy voice, "That was a marvellous thing you were just doing to me darling. But nu? Why have you stopped?" 
"Because I found what I was looking for," replies Isaac. 
"So what were you looking for, darling?" asks Ruth, seductively. 
"The remote control," he replies. 

632-
John sat glumly all evening eyeing his wife suspiciously. Finally, he blurted, "Suzy, admit it. You've been blowing the dog, haven't you?!"
"What?!" she shouted. "How can you say such a thing?"
"I've been watching you two," John answered, " and, every time you yawn, he gets a hard-on!"

633-
Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin. 
One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room wearing a towel. 
Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on. "What are you doing?" I asked. 
"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal, so am I." 

634-
The newlyweds checked into the honeymoon suite, but the next morning came down to breakfast separately and immediately started arguing. After the wife left, the man asked the hotel manager if he could check out early because his new wife had left him.
The manager asked, "What's wrong? Didn't you have a good time last night?"
The man replied, "Oh, last night was the best night of my life."
"Then why did she leave?" He replied, "I had it with the maid!"

635-
PRE- NUPTIAL AGREEMENTS: SENIOR STYLE
An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said that's fine with me.
She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: That's fine with me...Put me down for Fridays..

636-
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.
A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.
Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him. She run towards him, calling his name: "Joe. darling.."
Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't "darling" me. The deal was very clear!! "Until death do us part!"

637-
A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom factory, and were having a hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately, their mounting credit card debt required some immediate income.
The wife suggested that she could whore herself out, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect.
But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband's back to go whoring.
She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to her hubby.
He was upset, but asked how much she made.
"$398.10," she said.
"Who paid the ten cents?" he asked.
"Everybody."

638-
A fighter pilot goes to a bar after a good days flying. Whilst there he meets a young, attractive and available lady.
She is charmed by his tales of aerial combat, high speed flight, and death-defying feats. The inevitable happens and they slip away to somewhere more comfortable for an evening's "intimate entertainment."
Much later that night the pilot drives home to his longsuffering wife. On the way he puts on his oxygen mask and draws the straps up as tight as they will go.
When he gets home he removes the mask and bravely enters the house. Immediately he tells the wife exactly and honestly what he has been up to that evening.
She replies: "Do not lie to me. I can see you have been flying that damned airplane yet again!"

639-
When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"
The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

640-
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman?
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade....."

641-
As Leah is visiting her late father’s grave in Bushey Cemetery, she passes close by a woman who is sobbing and wailing at another grave. Leah can easily hear that the woman is saying, "Oh why, oh why did you die? Why did you have to die?" This question is repeated many times. 
After paying her respects to her father, Leah is leaving the cemetery when she again passes the sobbing woman. She is still wailing, "Why, oh why did you have to die?" 
Leah feels pity for this woman and walks over to try to comfort her. "Pardon me, I hope you don’t mind me coming over, but I heard your cries of pain and anguish. I assume the deceased was a relative of yours?" 
"No she’s not," says the other woman, "in fact I never met her before." 
"Then why are you so sad?" asks Leah. "Who was she? Who is buried at this grave?" 
"My husband’s first wife," replies the woman. 

642-
On being married 
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle
What food puts women off sex? Wedding cake! Donald Smith
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous

643-
The young wife hasn't spoken to her husband since the baby was born, all because of a little misunderstanding... 
She called him at work and said her water had broken, and he called the plumber.

644-
The loneliness of a middle-aged man and woman - both divorcees, eventually blossomed into love and finally marriage, but the wedding night turned into a real disaster.
"You just do not fulfil my sexual expectations," the bride commented the following morning.
You're right about that." replied the new husband. "But when I promised to fill the void in your life, I simply had no idea that it would be so blooming large!"

645-
Jack and Jill were watching a TV show one night where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband to see if he was "cheating" on her.
Jack asked, "Would you ever do that?"
Jill said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in you."

646-
Mike is sitting at the bar looking totally down in the dumps. The bartender asks, "What's wrong Mike?"
Mike replies, "My wife is too tired for housework and sex but she won't let me hire a maid or a hooker".

647-

648-
My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is really my wife's personality.

649-
There was a virgin who was going to get married. She asked her mother if it hurt when you had sex. Her mother said not really, but to help you can use Vaseline.
So the virgin goes and buys a jar and puts it in her suitcase. At the hotel room on her wedding night, she is lying in bed while her husband is in the bathroom getting ready. She decides to rub a little Vaseline on.
He comes out of the bathroom and she says, "Oh MY!", and then rubs a little more Vaseline on.
He gets half way across the room and she says, "Oh MY GOD!!" and rubs a little more on.
He gets right beside the bed and she says, "HOLY SH*T!!!" and puts the rest of it on.
Her husband stands there for a moment and takes a look. He then walks over to her suitcase, takes her rosary beads out and starts to wrap them around his penis.
She says, "What the heck are you doing?"
He replies, "It looks a little slick. I thought I'd put some chains on."

650-
Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game. And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play. 
Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now? 
Bob: Darts? 
Bill: Nah. 
Bob: Shoot some pool? 
Bill: Nah. 
Bob: Cards? 
Bill: Nah. Hey, I've got an idea. We can go over to my house and fool around with my wife. 
Bob: Whadaya mean? 
Bill: Just what I said. We'll go to my house and we can fool around with my wife. 
Bob: What about me? 
Bill: She's a sport. She won't mind at all. 
Bob: Well... if you think it's okay... 
Bill: Sure. C'mon, let's go! 
At Bill's house: Bill: Honey, I'm home. Honey. Sweetheart! Damn! She must have gone shopping. Tell ya what, Bob. Let's go to your house!

651-
Bernie took his wife Sadie to see a psychiatrist for a check up.
After examining her, the doctor took Bernie to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your wife. Her mind has completely gone."
"I'm not really surprised," Bernie replied, "Sadie's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years."

652-

653-
A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."
"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"
"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

654-
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

655-
Upon reaching 73, Marvin's old friend Stu decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife Anne became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time like joining a club or getting a hobby.
Old Stu obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home Anne asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the corner bar and hung out with the guys". And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club".
"What? Are you nuts? You're 73 years old and you're going to start parachuting"?
"Yeah, look. I even got a membership card."
"Stu, you need glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club!"
"Oh, great!! Now what am I gonna do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week"

656-
Back in the 1960's white activists often got their hair styled in an afro -- a large bush-style hairdo -- to show support for civil rights.
One such fellow did so, and arrived home smiling and announced that he'd also teased all his pubic hair into the same bushy style.
His wife, who had had it with her spouse's endless posturing, sneered, "Great... just great... now during foreplay I'll have to look for a needle in a haystack."

657-
A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavoury areas of the city on the way to the reception.
"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"
"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."
"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."

658-
One day, Jacob asks his wife Yetta, "You always carry a photo of me in your handbag. What on earth would you want with my photo?" 
"Well," replies Yetta, "whenever I encounter a problem, no matter how impossible it might seem at first, I look at your picture and the problem doesn’t seem a problem any longer - it just melts away." 
Jacob smiles with pride when he hears this. "It doesn’t really surprise me, Yetta," he says. "Haven’t I always told you how miraculous and powerful I am for you?" 
"Yes, I know you have," replies Yetta, "but the way it works is like this - when I take your photo out of my handbag and look at your face, I say to myself, "What problem can there be that’s greater than this one?"

659-
Sam and Leah, both in their 80's, are discussing the possibility of getting married. Leah says, "If I marry you, Sam, I’ll want to keep my au pair. She’s fantastic." 
"That's OK with me," replies Sam. 
"And I’ll also want to keep my Lexus," Leah continues. 
"That's also fine with me. It won’t be a problem," says Sam. 
"And not only that," says Leah, "I’ll want to have sex 6 times a week, without fail." 
"That's no problem with me," says Sam. "Put me down for Mondays."

660-
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbour. "Why on earth did you get married?"
"I suppose it was the old business of opposites attract," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

661-
Bill and Lynn had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had lived together for thirty five years, Bill went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Michigan gasped with amazement. A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Bill based his demand for an annulment. "It's like this, your Honour," answered Bill, "I've just learned that Lynn's father never had a licence to carry a gun." 

662-
As I was on the way home from a long and stressful day at the office, the car phone rang. It was my husband.
"Will you be joining me in the whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked. 
"What a lovely way to spend an evening," I thought. I was about to tell him how considerate and romantic he was when he continued, 
"Because if you're not, I need to start adding more water to the tub."

663-
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside... 
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man:- Shit!, that must be my husband!? 
So the guy quickly got out of bed, scared and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.
Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman: I'm your husband, you slut!!! 
So the woman answers:- Oh, yeah?!! And why were you fucking running?!! You son of a bitch!

664-
I strongly recommended that you never criticise your wife. Just remember that if she were perfect, she would have married someone much better than you. 

665-
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat............
10% of women think their ass is too skinny......
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

666-
Before the marriage: 
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. 
She: Do you want me to leave? 
He: NO! Don't even think about it. 
She: Do you love me? 
He: Of course! 
She: Have you ever cheated on me? 
He: NO! Why are you even asking? 
She: Will you kiss me? 
He: Yes! 
She: Will you hit me? 
He: No way! I'm not that kind of person! 
She: Can I trust you? 

Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top.

667-
Herb and Irma decided to add a little culture to their lives. They went to Italy and visited all the famous museums of art and took a guided tour of the exhibits.
'This is a fine bust of Michelangelo' said Herb
'This is not Michelangelo' explained the guide. 'That's Leonardo da Vinci'
Embarrassed by her husband's ignorance, Irma said ' Why do you have to open your big mouth when you don't know nothing about the New Testament?'

668-
On their sixtieth anniversary, The Blumenthals were interviewed by a famous radio talk show host. 
So, Mr. Blumenthal” said the host how old is Mrs. Blumenthal?
She is 87 years old said Mr. Blumenthal and God willing she should live to be a 100 years!
And how old are you? asked the host
I’m also 87 years old” said Mr.Blumenthal and God willing I should live to be a 101
But why asked the host you want to live a year longer than your wife?
To tell you the truth said Mr. Blumenthal I would like to have at least one year of peace

669-
A white bloke is awaiting his new baby in the delivery room.
The midwife comes in, and hands him a black baby.
"Is this yours?" she asks. 
"Probably," he replies, "she fucking burns everything."

670-
Last night, I was fucking my wife.
"Damn, baby", says I, "you got a tight box but no tits!"
She says to me, "Get off my back!"

671-
A bewildered-looking man walked up to one of our bank's customer- service representatives. "I want to deposit my paycheque, but I'm not sure how to do it," he said. "No problem," said Linda as she took his cheque and passbook. There was a flurry of activity for a few moments, and then his passbook was handed back to him. The man looked at his book, noting the deposit and, smiling, said, "That's it?" "That's it. Just give your paycheque to me, and I'll take care if it." 
The man suddenly looked at her curiously. "Say," he drawled, "are you my wife?"

672-
A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy Channel. 
He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?" 
"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. 
So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor. 
"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked. 
"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!

673-
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" 
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."

674-
Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning. "I want you to begin divorce proceedings," she announced. The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?" Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, "We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."

675-
I got my wife a bag and belt for her birthday.
The Hoover works fine now.

676-
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." 
So he tied her up and went golfing. 

677-
Q: Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store? 
A: There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning.

678-
Kevin was making love to his wife, Shannon and exclaimed, "I will love you to death!"
The following night they again were beginning to making love and he shouted, "I'll love you till you scream!!"
After he had done the same thing the third night, Shannon pulled a feather out of the pillow and began tapping him on the head with it. "What are you doing?" demanded Kevin.
"Comparatively speaking, I'm pounding your brains out" she replied.

679-
An old widow and widower named Mary and Steve get married. They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night. After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel.
Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other. In the process, Mary, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass. Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall.
She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and Steve is intently watching... Mary continues. She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand. Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Steve continues to stare in an interested manner. As Mary takes off her wig, she realizes that Steve is not making much progress in getting undressed.
He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her.
She asks him, "What are you waiting for?"
Steve quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it over here!"

680-
Harry and Kitty are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary with a party for their family and friends. During the party, Max and Betty walk over to them and say, "Congratulations. We’re so pleased for you both. But you must let us in on your secret - how have you managed to stay married for so long, especially in this day and age?" 
Harry turns to Kitty and asks, "OK for me to reply to this?" 
Kitty replies, "Yes dear." 
"Well," continues Harry, "our secret is quite simple. On the very day we got married, Kitty and I came to an agreement which we’ve stuck to all these years. We decided that I would make all the major decisions and Kitty would make all the minor decisions. And I can truthfully say that over the 60 years of our marriage, I have never needed to make a major decision."

681-
It’s dinner time and Jeremy is finding it hard to get through his chicken soup. To be honest, he really doesn’t much like its taste or consistency. His wife Sarah sees her Jeremy struggling with it and so asks him, "What’s wrong with the soup, Jeremy?" 
"Although you’re the best cook in the world, darling," replies Jeremy, "when it comes to chicken soup, you’ve got a lot to learn. I don’t want to upset you, but I just don’t like your soup. My mother Miriam makes the best chicken soup in the world. Why don’t you ask her for her recipe?" 
"Oy vay, Jeremy," replies Sarah, "you know how Miriam hates me. She would never tell me such a thing." 
"But your mother Hetty also makes an excellent chicken soup," says Jeremy. "Surely she must have told you how." 
"Jeremy," says Sarah, "This was the recipe she gave me. I guess Hetty hates you just as much as Miriam hates me." 

682-
On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.
"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."
"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."

683-
A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, colour of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her that Harrods would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.
The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."

684-
My wife said " Honey , go get a dozen condoms, I'm horny .... I said "Great Darlin, I'll be right back ..... when I got back , she said "Thanks" and walked out the door.

685-
A travelling buyer had been on a trip for three months. Every few weeks he'd send a telegram to his wife saying: "Can't come home. Still buying."
The wife stood it for a while, but when the fourth month started and her husband still had no idea of returning, she decided to do something.
She sent him a telegram. "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying."

686-
A COUPLE I KNOW were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung. Don was annoyed at Debby's indifference to what he felt was a poor job. 
"The problem is that I'm a perfectionist and you're not," he finally said to her. 
"Exactly!" she replied. "That's why you married me and I married you!"

687-
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error. 
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right." 
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first. 
"I'm wrong," she said. 
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!" 

688-
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."
Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back."

689-
A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife: "Sally, I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news: I got $25,000.00 severance pay"
His wife said: "$25,000.00 in severance pay? That's great! Now, what's the bad news?"
He said: "Wait till you hear what was severed!"

690-
His friend told him, "You have to wait till you wedding night. You show it to her and ask what it is. If she calls it a penis, she's a virgin. If she says it's a cock, she's been around."
So the guy got married and in the hotel room, he flipped it out to her and asked, "What is this?"
"That's a penis!" she replied.
"Great," he sighs, "I thought you were going to call it a cock."
"Of course not, silly! A cock is twice as big!!"

691-
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina".
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina".......
"Yes" she says......
The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?"

692-
Tammy was waiting with the cart, browsing in the small appliances aisle, while Doug gathered a few last minute items. When Doug returned, Tammy was facing the opposite direction, so Doug silently approached and gave her a playful pat on the bottom.
Without turning around she said, "That had better be my husband. But if it's not, I shop here every Tuesday."

693-
Mike was visiting Jim and discussing Jim's problems with his wife when Jim's doorbell rang. Jim answered the door and was handed a paper, which the deliverer said was a subpoena. Jim showed it to Mike and asked him if he knew what it was.
Mike in his pompous lack of knowledge said, "Of course I know what a subpoena is."
"Well, what exactly is it?" Jim asked.
"Well," said Mike, "that's legal talk. Your wife is suing you for divorce. We know that 'sub' means 'under' and 'poena' is Latin for 'penis', so -- 'subpoena' means under the penis -- which means she's got you by the balls."

694-
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?" 
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." 
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" 
So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything.

695-
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".
He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".
She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!". 

696-
It was the happiest day of my life. Wife waiting at the altar, flowers blooming everywhere and a great turn out. 
I swept a tear away from my eye, kissed my wife on the cheek and closed the lid 

697-
A woman gave birth to six babies. On seeing this she got out of her hospital bed, slapped her husband and shouted, "I told you not to go doggy style"

698-
Steve says, "My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy for the same reason."
Cliff says, "Why?"
Steve says, "Because with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit."

699-
After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband looked over at his wife and said, "How come you never make love to me like that?"
"Are you kidding me?? Do you have any idea how much they pay those people to do that??"

700-
Wife. " Harry, what is my love worth to you?"
Harry. "Am I buying, or selling? 

701-
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long.
She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"
"I'm only here to get something to eat."

702-
Hubby gets "I love you" tattooed on his knob & goes home to show wife.
She says "There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth"

703-
Wedding Text Messages ..................
The Bureau of Meteorology forecasts rainstorms so the bride can expect a few good inches overnight.
Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch instalments.
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."
Confucious say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom Mounted.
Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and She'll last for many years.
Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.
Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk.
If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.
Go for it mate. We all did!
All the best from Mr and Mrs Farkin and all the Farkin kids.
She offered her honour, He honoured her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.
Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One long hard route.
Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.
Travel Agency to Bride: The grooms face leaves at midnight. Be on it.
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
Football coach to bride: If you've tried him in 18 positions and he's still no good, pull him off.
Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

704-
A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, guilt and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.
"Well," he says to the doctor "A week ago, I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home and I skidded all the way up the driveway. I slammed open the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it on the coffee table."
"And did you enjoy it?" asked the doctor enthusiastically.
"Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "somewhat, but the Bible group was kind of surprised."

705-
Being a virgin, Bob was very nervous about his upcoming wedding night, so he decided to seek the advice of his friend John, who was quite the local Romeo.
"Just relax, Bob," counselled John. "After all, you grew up on a farm just do like the dogs do."
Right after the honeymoon the bride stormed over to her mother's house in tears and announced that she wasn't going to live under the same roof as Bob for even one more night. "He's totally disgusting!" she wailed.
At first Bob's bride resisted her mother's attempts to find out the exact nature of the problem, but finally she broke down.
"Ma, he doesn't know anything at all about how to be romantic, how to make love. . . he just keeps smelling my ass and pissing on the bedpost!"

706-
I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today , but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "

707-
The businessman came home form work about 6 pm. He'd barely gotten in the door before his wife greeted him with a passionate kiss. Then she pulled him into the bedroom, pushed him down on the bed, unzipped his fly, and began to give him a fantastic blowjob.
Not daring to interrupt her, he waits until he has gotten off in a mighty explosion, which his wife slurps up eagerly and swallows. He stares fondly at her, then asks, "All right, dear, what did you do to the car THIS time?"

708-
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.
A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.
Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.
She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe. Darling...Joe"
Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't 'darling' me. The deal was very clear"..."Until death do us part".

709-
What's all the fuss about same-sex marriages?
I've been married for years, and I keep having the same sex.

710-
Hymie's Wife Ada dies, and he goes to the Funeral Director and asks how much is a funeral. The FD says "Well, for five thousand pounds we put the deceased in a mahogany coffin with gold-plated handles which we transport to the cemetery in glass-sided carriage drawn by four black horses followed by twenty mourners. It's very tasteful". Hymie replies "That's a bit steep for me, do you have anything less expensive?" The FD says "Well, for two thousand pounds we put the deceased in a pine coffin with brass handles which we transport to the cemetery in a Rolls Royce hearse followed by ten mourners. It's still tasteful" Hymie replies "I wasn't thinking of going to that much either. What's your rock-bottom service?" The FD says "Well, for fifty pounds we don't put the deceased in a coffin at all, we put them in a black plastic bag. No hearse, we take them to the cemetery in a wheelbarrow" Hymie asks "Are there any mourners?" The FD says "No, but we all have a fucking good laugh!!!" 

711-
A man enters his apartment to find his wife making passionate love on the couch with another man, and he starts yelling at her.
"Oh, great!" said the woman. "Big mouth's home; now the whole building will know!"

712-
When a woman asked him how she could get her husband's attention away from the TV set, he said, "Wear something sheer."
"What if that doesn't work?" she asked.
"Then put a number on your back." he replied.

713-
Judy and Nate, more than slightly hung over from last night's party, were having a mid-afternoon breakfast. What a party that had been! A real swinging affair, no holds barred.
"Darling," said Nate "this is slightly embarrassing, but I think I should ask. Was it you I made love to in the library last night?"
His wife was thoughtful for a moment and finally said: "About what time?"

714-
"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband!
The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"

715-
"I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can't afford to get pregnant!" said Edna to Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."

716-
At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband.
The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.
"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting!"

717-
While making love to his wife, Martin discovered he couldn't enjoy it. Though they had been married only a few years, he reflected unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: "What happened, did I hurt you ?"
"Why no, not at all." said his surprised wife. "Whatever made you ask that?"
"Well... no reason actually." the bored husband replied with a sigh, "It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actually moved."

718-
Nathan and Estelle, both in their 80s, are in the middle of making love one night when Nathan suddenly collapses. Estelle immediately phones for help. Doctor Myers arrives within 10 minutes but when he examines Nathan he has to tell Estelle that her husband is dead. 
"So what happened here tonight, Estelle?" asks doctor Myers. 
"We were making love," replies Estelle. 
"Yes, go on Estelle," says doctor Myers. 
"Well," continues Estelle, "my Nathan was ‘on top,’ if you know what I mean, when all of a sudden he gets a glazed look in his eyes. I naturally thought he was coming, but now I know he was going!" 

719-
75 year old Monty has been out celebrating his friend’s 80th birthday. Although Monty is not usually a drinker, he comes home quite late and quite drunk. Somehow he manages to get undressed, slides into bed beside his sleeping wife Sarah and quickly falls into a deep sleep. 
Sometime later he awakes and there before him is the Pearly Gates. An angel walks over to him and says, "I’m sorry to have to tell you this, Monty, but you died last night in your sleep." 
"I'm dead?" says Monty, stunned. "It can't be. I've got too much to live for. Please send me back." 
"I'm sorry, Monty," says the angel, "but there's only one way you can go back." 
"And what way is that?" asks Monty. 
"As a chicken," replies the angel. 
Monty is devastated, but begs the angel to at least send him back to a farm near his house. The next thing he knows, he’s covered in feathers, clucking loudly, and pecking at the ground. Then a rooster struts over and says, "So you're the new hen? How are you getting on?" 
"Not too bad," replies Monty the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside my stomach. It feels like I'm going to explode." 
"Don’t worry," says the rooster, "you’re only feeling like that because you're ovulating. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" 
"Never, ever," replies Monty. 
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. 
Monty does as he is told and after a few uncomfortable seconds, out pops an egg. Monty is immediately overcome with emotion as he experiences motherhood for the first time. He soon lays another egg and his joy is overwhelming. As he is about to lay his third egg, Monty feels a smack on the back of his head. Then he hears his wife Sarah shouting at him, "Monty, wake up, wake up, you're pooping in the bed again!" 

720-
A man comes home to find his wife in bed with his mate. So he stabs his mate to death. His wife says "That was fucking silly, carry on like that and you'll have no mates left"

721-
The wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said to her husband, "The doctor told me I couldn't make love".
The husband said, "I've known this for years-I want to know how he found out!"

722-
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'.
For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds

723-
A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
"Darn it woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

724-
There was a husband who was in the habit of taking the family dog for a nice long walk each evening. It was good exercise for both of them, his wife felt, and the dog became so used to the routine that it positively drooled to be taken out on schedule every night.
So when her husband was sick one evening, the wife took the dog out instead. To her surprise the dog pulled vigorously at the leash and led her around the block to a house around the corner and began to scratch at the door. A female voice called out, "I won't be a minute, darling."
Soon the door was opened by an attractive young woman in a negligee, and the dog dashed in straight to a dish of meat that was waiting for him -- obviously as usual.

725-
The newlyweds had been married only a few months but she realized that the magic had gone from the marriage.
As he sat at the breakfast table, head buried in the newspaper, she cried "What's wrong, honey? What am I doing wrong? What's missing from our marriage?"
"Hasenpheffer!" he exclaimed.
"Hasenpheffer? What's Hasenpheffer?" she asked.
"Well, its kinda like a rabbit stew in a tomato sauce. My mum used to cook me the greatest Hasenpheffer all the time. You never cook me Hasenpheffer."
"That's it?" she cried, fantasies of marital bliss rushing through her mind. "Honey, when you get home tonight, you're gonna have the best Hasenpheffer you ever tasted!"
"Great, honey." he said as he left for work. "I can hardly wait."
So she gets her "Joy of Cooking" and finds a great Hasenpheffer recipe, makes a shopping list and as she heads for the door the phone rings. Its her girlfriend Mavis and like a typical woman she winds up spending the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon gossiping on the phone.
Suddenly she realizes the time and, fearing her dreams of connubial bliss are in serious jeopardy, hangs up the phone, jumps in the car and speeds to the supermarket.
She grabs a rabbit from the butcher, gets a bottle of tomato sauce, swiftly grabs the requisite vegetables and spices, and rushes through the check-out counter.
As she dashes out to her car, she catches her heel on the curb, stumbles, and drops the grocery bag on the ground. Looking at the mess on the ground, she realizes that her marriage is surely doomed and sits down on the curb and starts to cry hysterically.
Up walks a drunk, sees the bawling lady, looks at the mess between her legs and says,
"Don't cry lady. He woulda been an idiot, anyway. Just look at his ears!"

726-
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate sex in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?' He replied: 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'
'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. 
To which the husband replied: 'Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life...' 

727-
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?" That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."

728-
I came downstairs this morning and the wife was by the stove cooking breakfast in her slippers. I said to myself "I must buy her a frying pan!"

729-
Love, Lust and Marriage

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over w ho gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.

Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.

Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.

Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed.

730-
Did you hear about the woman that filed for divorce after she had twelve kids? 
The reason she put in the divorce papers was for extreme incompatibility.

731-
Husband: When I fight with you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.

732-
Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?
Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.
Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?
Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

733-
The Socialite telephoned her son-in-law and was berating him for the rumours she'd heard about his affair with a typist who worked for him.
"You obviously don't appreciate the difference between a woman of breeding and position and a cheap little office slut." his mother-in-Law admonished him.
The man replied, "And you my dear Mother Johnson obviously don't appreciate the difference between dignified acquiescence and true enthusiastic cooperation."

734-
Steven was rubbing the palm of his wife Kay during her labour contractions when he drifted off to sleep. 
He awoke to her hand flailing in his face. "If you don't rub my hand during my contractions, you won't be in the room for the next delivery," she threatened. 
Steven slapped some cold water on his face and began rubbing in earnest. Warned Kay, "In fact, if you fall asleep again, you won't even be there for the conception."

735-
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband. "Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love him," the chick replied.
"But all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it."
"Instead of divorcing him why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.
"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom."
"Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"

736-
John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door, his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately.
"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"
"22 years", replied John.
"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years."
"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."

737-
One a day a man and his wife were watching their son playing with Army soldiers, when they heard him say, ''Look daddy the Green soldiers just blew the Hell out of the Tan soldiers.''
Shocked the wife tells the boy to go to his room, and think about what he just said.
A few minutes later the husband says to his wife, "How about me and you play soldiers and you can blow the hell out of me?"

738-
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to." 
So Ole drove.... to Duluth. .

739-
John died, leaving a will that provided £30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last of the visitors departed the affair, his widow, Helen, turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure John would be pleased."
"I'm sure you're right," replied Judy, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close, "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty-thousand."
"No!" Judy exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but £30,000?" 
Helen replied, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another £500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Judy computed quickly. "£22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"
"Two and a half carats".

740-
There is this just married couple that decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.
The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only 20 cents. He asks the shop owner to sell him only one of the condoms and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic but she thoroughly enjoyed the session.
Nine months later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"
The father shouted, "You are damn lucky! 5 cents more and you would have been purple."

741-
A bloke says to his wife 'bend over and we'll try the social security position'. 
She says 'what the ruddy ell is that'. 
He says 'when my balls touch your arse, you're getting the full benefit'. 

742-
My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. 
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead 

743-
The wife confronted the husband at the dinner table. "Henry, I'm pretty sure you're cheating on me. I think I know with whom; I'm not real sure when or where; but I definitely don't know with what."

744-
This guy came into work one day with a fistful of cigars and started passing them out left and right to celebrate the birth of his son.
"Congratulations, Eric," said the boss. "How much did the baby weigh?"
"Four and a half pounds," reported the father proudly.
"Gee, that's kind of small."
"What did you expect?" retorted Eric indignantly. "We've only been married three months."

745-
Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.
"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "but I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered,
"Try going alone, next time, dearie."

746-
Mary: I was always pleased by the sexual generosity of my ex. Every time we did it, he always made sure that I was satisfied first.
Jill: Well, that's very nice!
Mary: Yeah, but I wasn't so pleased when I found out that he extended the same generosity to the babysitter.

747-
After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate.
"Father's date of birth?" she asked.
When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"
"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date."
After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."

748-
Bill just found out that his wife is pregnant. He did the maths, and according to her due date, Bill was out of town at the time of conception.
He was amazed. He couldn't believe it. He will finally make it into the Guinness Book of World Records for impregnating his wife via phone sex!

749-
My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. 
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead 

750-
If your wife asks you, "Do these pants make me look fat?" I think a good answer is, "I'm sleeping with your sister."
It will distract her from the pants, and let's face it, she was going to find out about you two sooner or later.

751-
I miss my husband. I really do. He's travelling and I'm home all alone and this weather sucks and I want company. So, I'd like to propose the following:
I'm looking for a surrogate husband, just for today. I will cook a great meal for you and greet you at the door wearing nothing but lingerie.
You must agree to:
-- come home by 7:00pm, but not actually show up until 8:00pm. Please don't apologize for being late and don't call to let me know you are going to be late.
-- walk in the door without actually greeting me.
-- the first words out of your mouth, after you get out of the bathroom, should be: "What's for dinner?"
-- take your plate from the table and walk into the living room and sit down in front of the TV, leaving me alone.
-- put your feet up on the coffee table, chew with your mouth open and ask me to grab you a beer.
-- not compliment me on the fact that the house is clean or that the food that took me several hours to cook is any good.
-- ignore me for the rest of the night and watch ESPN instead.
-- tell me to stop when I try to cuddle up to you on the couch and ask me to get you a beer instead.
-- come to bed without showering, even though you've been at work all day.
-- fart in bed and then fluff the covers.
-- wake me up to ask me for a blow job.
Please, please, please help me out! I miss the asshole.

752-
Freda is getting worried. Her husband Bernie walked out of their house earlier that day and hasn’t returned. At 9pm she goes to her local police station to report a missing person. 
While she’s giving details to the officer in charge, she gives him a photo of Bernie and says, "When you find him, could you please tell him that my mother didn’t come after all. She decided she would stay the week at my brother’s house instead." 

753-
Sadie has died and today is her funeral. Her husband Nathan and many of their family and friends are standing round the grave as Sadie’s coffin is lowered into the ground. Then, as is the custom, many of the mourners pick up some spades and help to fill the open grave with earth. 
But on their way back to the prayer hall, the sky suddenly darkens, rain starts to fall, flashes of lightening fill the sky and loud thunder claps batter their ears. 
Nathan turns to his rabbi and says, "Well rabbi, she’s arrived OK." 

754-
Arriving home unexpectedly early from a business trip, the tired executive was shocked to discover his wife in bed with his next-door neighbour.
"Since you are in bed with my wife," the furious man shouted, "I'm going over and sleep with yours!"
"Go right ahead," was the reply. "The rest will do you good."

755-
What woman can wash up with her left hand, cook tea with the right, sweep with one leg, dust with the other, give a blow job and open beer with her arse??
A SwissArmyWife

756-
A mother said to her daughter on her wedding day "The way to really turn a man on is to nibble his ear lobes."
The daughter replied "No mum. I think that's bollocks." 

757-
A couple leaving a Paris hotel were given a bill for $400. The man protested to the manager who reminded him that he had a room plus bath.
"But I didn't take a bath," said the man.
"I can't help that, it was there for you," replied the manager.
The unhappy man wrote something on a paper and presented the manager with a bill for $100.
"What's that for?" cried the manager.
"For kissing my wife."
"But I never touched your wife," objected the manager, angrily.
"Can't help it," said the other, "she was there for you."
After a week in a Marseille hotel, he was handed a huge bill.
Remembering Paris, our hero called for the manager and said: "M'sieur, you owe me $300."
"For what?" asked the manager.
"For making love to my charming wife, Ethel, that's what."
The manager suddenly became red-faced and nervous as he replied in a low voice: "Sir, not so loud, please. If you will come into my office, I will write you a cheque right away."

758-
Harry is chatting to Tom.
"I like your new suit", says Tom.
"Thanks", says Harry, "it was a surprise present from my wife. I came home early last night and found it hanging over a chair in the bedroom." 

759-
-HI! We haven't seen each other a long time, what's up?
-I got married.
-So? How is it? Better?
-Better? - I don't think so, but more often - for sure.

760-
Morris, a 63-year old, comes home from the office early. 
He enters his bedroom, and sees his best friend Sam, on top of his nude 62 year old wife. 
Morris, shaking his head, says, "Sam, I have to, BUT YOU?" 

761-
I don't think my wife loves me; when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

762-
Mike, and his wife had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening she was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage. 
"With this ring..." she began romantically. "We could pay off Visa," he responded

763-
I came home from work the other night and found the missus in the kitchen pouring a pan of freshly boiled spaghetti over her head.
"I'm just putting the dinner on", she quipped.
How we laughed on the way to the burns unit.

764-
A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together.
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"
The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing." 
The wife says, "Seven weeks." 

765-
A husband and wife are cooing over their newborn baby son.
"Look at the size of his todger," says the man. "Its massive!"
"Yes dear," says his wife, "but at least he's got your ears."

766-
A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach.
On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.
The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same.
The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.
The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon.
Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"
The wife again refuses.
This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.
However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"
The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.
"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."

767-
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

768-
A man approaches a younger woman inside the mall. 'Excuse me,' he said. 
I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?' 
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the man, said, 'Sure, sir, do you know where your wife might be?' 
I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she usually appears out of nowhere.

769-
One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please insult my wife. My wife loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if you insulted her." Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be ashamed of yourself: To be married to a woman like that and not be able to think up your own insults!"

770-
A man in Poland goes to a brothel and gets the shock of his life when he bumps into his wife who was working there. 
The guy was pissed. Think of all the money he could have saved if he didn't marry her and just visited the brothel once a day to have sex with her.

771-
Bob was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.
"Hey," Bob shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"
"I'm sick of sports, I'm sick of TV," she replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think David Beckham gets laid?"

772-
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I had a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

773-
"My wife is the most suspicious person in the world," complained the harried husband to a sympathetic friend. 
"If I come home early, she thinks I'm after something. And if I come home late, she thinks I've already had it."

774-
Did you know that the word ALIMONY is really a contraction. 
Its short for "all my money"

775-
Wife to husband: If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you.
Husband: All right, but it will ruin my day.

776-
"You wouldn't sleep with Angelina Jolie for a million dollars, would you?", asked the cuddling wife.
"Don't be ridiculous", said the husband. "How am I gonna raise a million dollars?"

777-
The most common form of marriage proposal:
"YOU'RE WHAT!?" 

778-
A bloke comes home from pub.
Wife says "right smart arse, explain the lipstick on your shirt."
"Easy" he said. " I wiped my knob with it".

779-
Jill: John is talking about getting married.
Mary: Wow! Well, if he does ask you, don't delay! Say, "Yes!" right away!
Jill: What's the hurry?
Mary: Men have very short memories when it comes to that subject. Sometimes they forget before you can even get your clothes back on!

780-
Q: What did Speedy Gonzales say to his wife on their honeymoon?
A: This won't hurt, did it?

781-
Things weren't going too well for the husband business-wise and he got his wife an imitation tennis bracelet, instead of the real one she wanted for their anniversary. "I hope you understand sweetheart, but you can pretend it's real."
"Fine!" she said pouting, "And tonight in bed, you can pretend I'm there under you."

782-
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.' 
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. 
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!' She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked it and took the casket down and they rolled it away. 
So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.' 
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I' m a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.' 
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?' 
I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account , and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.' 

783-
An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce. "A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"
"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.
"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"
"My husband is eighty-seven."
"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"
"Next September will be sixty-two years."
"Married sixty-two years! Why would you want a divorce now?"
"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."

784-
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then ?'
'Because she can still drive!' 

785-
A little girl asked her mother: How did the human race appear? The mother answered: 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.' Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered: 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.' 
The confused girl returns to her mother and says: 'Mum how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys?' The mother answers: 'Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side... '

786-
She: I think my husband may be fooling around on me.
He: Really? I think my wife may be too!
She: Well, who cares? C'mere, Lover!
(Just as they are about to get busy, the phone rings.)
She: Hello. Yeah, that's fine. Bye.
He: Who was that?
She: It was my husband. He claimed he was at your house and wanted to stay a while and play cards! Let's get to it, Lover!
(The phone rings again.)
She: Hello. Oh, I think it will be a while. Bye.
He: And who was THAT?
She: It was your wife! She wanted to know about how long you and my husband would be here playing cards!

787-
A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank! Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer replies, "Yes" The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head and BANG !!!, shoots him in the head and kills him. He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man. "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man calmly responds... "No, but my wife did!" 

788-
I had a wet dream about my ex last night...............
I dreamt that she was run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing.

789-
One day Kyle's dad brought home a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Kyle returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?" Kyle answered, "Dad, we had extra classes today". Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Kyle on his face.
His dad told him, "Son this robot is special in that it can detect a Lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth. Why are you late?" "Dad, I went to a movie"
"Which movie?" "The Ten Commandments" Immediately, Kyle got a slap on the face from the robot. "Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen".
"Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved" Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing the last sentence, Kyle's mother comes walking out of the kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, "After all he is YOUR son!!!"
To which the robot steps up and gives Kyle's mother a resounding slap on her face! 

790-
A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years. He recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand, cook tea with the other, dust with one foot while sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her arse. She's a Swiss army wife. 

791-
A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report.
"Bill, listen," he told the host, "Doug's in the kitchen making love to your wife!"
"OK, that's it, guys," Bill said. "This is positively the last deal."

792-
Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "get this out of me, give me the drugs."
She turns to her boyfriend and says, "you did this to me you fucker."
He replies casually, "if you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said fuck off it'll be too painful."

793-
It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man climbed in to bed for the first time with his new bride, he asked, "Did your mother tell you what to do on your wedding night?"
"Yes," she cooed, kissing him lightly, "She told me everything."
"Good," said the elderly gentleman as he turned out the light, "because I've forgotten."

794-
I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."
"What is she doing?" the pal asked.
"Waiting for me to get home".

795-
Took the wife to a dog show....she won.

796-
There are three stages in marriage:
1. Early. You like it best when your wife wanks you off, then fucks you.
2. Intermediate. You like it best when your wife lets you fuck her, so you don't have to have a wank.
3. Long-term. You like it best when your wife fucks off, so you can have a wank. 

797-
A fellow, talking to his friend asked, "How can I tell if my girl is a virgin?"
His friend told him, "You have to wait till you wedding night. You show it to her and ask what it is. If she calls it a penis, she's a virgin. If she says it's a cock, she's been around."
So the guy got married and in the hotel room, he flipped it out to her and asked, "What is this?"
"That's a penis!" she replied.
"Great," he sighs, "I thought you were going to call it a cock."
"Of course not, silly! A cock is twice as big!!"

798-
My wife left me today.
She told me she was leaving because I didn't do any chores.
What a liar- I'd had sex with her the day before. 

799-
My wife says she doesn't like me when I drink.
Unfortunately, that's the only time I like her.

800-
Me and the wife were trying roleplay in the bedroom last night.
She walked out in a huff after 30 seconds. 
Apparently, asking your wife to pretend to be your neighbour's 16 year old daughter isn't very sexy.

802-
A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts to his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately. After about a week of no news the businessman received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."

803-
Three women; one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night, all three will wear a leather bodice (S&M style), stilettos and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days, they meet again. The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He looked at me and said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'... then we made love all night long."
The mistress said, "Me too; the other night, I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he did not say anything..... but we had wild sex all night."
The married one said, "The other night, I sent the kids to stay at my mother's. I got myself ready; leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband came back from work, opened the door and said: 'Alright, Batman, what's for dinner?' "

804-
 Q. "Are you married?"
A. "No, I'm divorced."
Q. "And what did your husband do before you divorced him ?"
A. "A lot of things I didn't know about."

805-
Mike is sitting at the bar looking totally down in the dumps. The bartender asks, "What's wrong Mike?"
Mike replies, "My wife is too tired for housework and sex but she won't let me hire a maid or a hooker".

806-
A woman's husband always lets her know when he's not getting enough.
The other night when their boys were being particularly rambunctious, and groping each other, she yelled at them "In this house, we don't touch each other's privates."
To which her husband replied, "No kidding."

807-
Breakfast was a very late affair that day, and the husband and wife were fragile indeed - badly hung over from a particularly wild party the night before. Bleary eyed, with two trembling hands holding his very black coffee, our hero said to his wife, "Was it you I had anal sex with in the garden last night?"
She struggled to bring him into focus. "About what time?" she replied.

808-
A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up.
She replied, "You mean imagine that it's good?!"

809-
The maths on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is: After 5 years of marriage, he paid her £24 million.
Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship (and being married men, we all know THAT doesn't happen), it ends up costing him £13,150 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.
On the other hand, a top class call girl charges £2,000 an hour. Crazy, right? But...
Had Paul McCartney employed one for 5 years, he would've paid £3,650,000 for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of £20,350,000).
Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bitching and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.
Is it just me, or is it better to rent? 

810-
I was arguing with the wife about holidays the other day
I want to go to Morocco. 
She wants to come with me. 

811-
My wife is so illogical. Last week she threw me out of the house, crying hysterically and calling me an 'animal'.
Now I ask you, how many animals have you ever known to lie on the living room floor masturbating while a Brazilian transsexual takes a dump on the coffee table above? 

812-
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." 
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favourite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. 
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Pancake Day in my life!" 

813-
John & Marsha were having marital difficulties, neither being able to satisfy the other sexually.
One day Marsha visited her friend Dorothy, who was quite a woman of the world, and casually mentioned the problem.
"It's not the first time I've heard of it," said Dorothy. "You can go to all the doctors in the world and they can't help you. But there is a remedy."
For God's sake, Dorothy, tell me what it is!" exclaimed Marsha.
She said, "Well, since you insist, and against my better judgment, I will tell you. The only remedy is for John to eat it."
"Oh, no!" exclaimed Marsha, "He would never do that!"
Dorothy shrugged. "There you have it -- take it or leave it. You asked and I told you."
Driving home, Marsha prepared an unusually fine supper for John that night. When he returned from work he enjoyed it mightily, but wondered a bit about the reason for it.
"That was a great meal," he said. "Anything unusual happen today? Enjoy your visit with Dorothy?"
Marsha told John of Dorothy's suggestion.
"Absolutely not!" he exploded.
"I won't engage in such disgusting practices."
But Marsha urged and begged until finally John gave in.
"OK," he said. "I guess it won't hurt to try it once."
Marsha went up and got into bed, pulling the covers up to her neck.
When John arrived he surveyed the scene and tried to decide how to proceed.
Finally he raised the covers at the foot of the bed and crawled under them.
Groping around until he located his target, with much hesitation, he undertook his task.
No sooner than he started, Marsha broke wind explosively.
Under the covers, a muffled voice was heard to say.... "Thank God for that breath of fresh air."

814-
The other day my wife asked me; "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?".
To which I replied, "Your fucking sense of humour". 

815-
A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavoury areas of the city on the way to the reception.
"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"
"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."
"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."

816-
I met my wife at a singles bar. Funny thing is, I thought she was at home looking after the kids. 

817-
On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was almost as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely pissed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, nearly killing me instantly! 
Mrs B. Essex.

818-
While making love to his wife, Bill discovered he couldn't enjoy it.
Though they had been married only a few years, he reflected unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: "What happened, did I hurt you?"
"Why no, not at all." said his surprised wife. "Whatever made you ask that?"
"Well... no reason actually." the bored husband replied with a sigh,
"It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actually moved."

819-
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy Shit, That must be my husband!" 
So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car. 
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!!!" 
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?" 
And that folks............ is how the fight started. 

820-
I was talking to a friend of mine, and he told me that he's been married a little over four years. He told me he was celebrating his 'Wooden' anniversary. I asked what a 'wooden' anniversary was. He said, 'I asked her to give me a blow job and she wooden.

821-
I'll admit I may not be the best at oral sex; but why does my wife keep rubbing my nose in it?

822-
One March day my wife said that the house needed painting. "It's still winter," I replied. "Forget it."
In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint.
In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbour passed by. "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked. "How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?" Glancing up at my wife, I responded, "She doesn't like beer."

823-
A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the back seat. And the women just won't leave the poor guy alone.
His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"
His wife says, "Stay to the left!"
After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife, "Who's driving this car -- you or your mother?

824-
I have to give it to her. My wife still certainly knows how to please me after all these years of marriage. She's just given me what can only be described as two days of unbridled pleasure.
She packed her bags and fucked off to her mothers for the weekend. 

825-
There really is no pleasing some women.
I recently put up a bird table. My wife went fuckin mad...
I don't know why... I gave her 6 out of 10 which is more than fair..

826-
"My girlfriend was giving me a great blow job last night..." 
"Wait, I thought you said you were married?" 
"I am." 
"Why don't you have oral sex with your wife?" 
"Are you crazy! That's the same mouth she uses to kiss me goodnight!"

827-
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.

828-
I felt a bit fed up today so to cheer myself up I watched my wedding video backwards.
I love the end bit where I take my ring off, go back down the aisle , jump in the car and fuck off. 

829-
My wife watched a porn movie with me for the first time.
She was ok with the graphic scenes of sex, but found the masturbation very off-putting.
She kept slapping my hand to make me stop.

830-
Comebacks For "Why Aren't You Married?"
* Because I don't like having a 50% chance of some day losing everything that is important to me.
* You haven't asked yet.
* What? And spoil my great sex life?
* Just lucky, I guess.
* I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
* I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
* What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
* We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.
* I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
* Why aren't you thin?

831-
My wife suggested that to spice up our sex life we have a threesome. She looked at me with a sly look in her eye and said if we wanted to, she could call her best friend- or alternatively, if we felt really kinky, we could call her step-sister. 
Well, let’s just say that it was the best night of my life for many years!
I called them both, left the three of them to get on with it, and fucked off down the pub to watch the football. 

832-
For years Bill's friends had chided him about being impotent. So it was with great glee that he reported his wife had just come from the doctor's, and she was pregnant.
"Well, why not?" teased an agitator, "Nobody ever doubted your wife."

833-
Ivana has been married to Bart for a while now, yet she is so horny that every time her husband goes away on a business trip, she invites not one, not two, but three men to come over and play hide the snake.
One time when her husband was leaving for a business trip, she had three men lined up to come over right away. However, this time Bart forgot his passport at home so he had to rush back as fast as he could.
When Ivana heard the door open, she told all the men to hide somewhere. The first guy hid under the bed, the second in the closet and the third out on the balcony.
Bart walks into the room and sees his wife standing naked and asks, "Ivana? Why are you naked?"
She immediately claims that she was changing into her PJs for a quick nap. But then Bart hears something under the bed. He finds the first guy under the bed and exclaims, "Who the hell are you? And what are you doing here???"
The guy pulls a fast one and says "I'm a carpenter, and your wife sent for me to come and fix the bed... it's fine now." 
Bart sighs and says, "Okay, how much do I owe you?"
Bart gives the man $20, as he requested, and tells him to get the hell out of his sight.
He then opens up the closet to get his passport from the drawer and sees yet another guy.
"Who the hell are you???" he shouts.
"Your wife sent me to come and fix the closet because it had some loose hinges on the inside," he proclaims. 
Bart just sighs it off again and says, "Okay, here's $20, now get the hell out of my sight!"
While all this is going on, the man outside on the balcony is looking through the window and all he sees is Ivana's husband giving these guys some money.
So wanting his share as well, he barges through the balcony door blurting, "I was sleeping with her too! I was sleeping with her too!"

834-
The other night, my wife started moaning to me
"You never take me anywhere expensive anymore"
I said "Come on then, grab your coat"
"Where are we going?" she said excitedly
I replied "The fucking petrol station..." 

835-
I definitely do not understand women. My wife said I should be more like a "perfect" gay male best friend of hers, yet when I tried to shag her up her arse she screamed blue murder.

836-
I got a call at work today from the hospital. They said my wife had been admitted and she may have to be kept in overnight. 
I was very worried; who would cook the dinner? 

837-
My wife was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that. 

838-
When I first took her out, she looked at me giggled and smiled. When I asked her to dance, she looked at me giggled and smiled. When we first made love, she looked at me, giggled and smiled. when I asked her to marry me, she looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her if she enjoyed our first wedding anniversary celebrations, she looked at me, giggled and smiled. And that's when it finally dawned on me that she was a retard. 

839-
Mary: Larry and Karen are getting a divorce. 
Jill: You're kidding! I thought they had so much in common. 
Mary: Actually, that's the problem. They both like pussy.

840-
You know the romance is over when you come to bed, ready to make love to your wife, and she is on the phone, and she tells whoever she is talking to that she will call them back in five minutes...

841-
My wife caught me cheating on her again last weekend.
She said, "every time you shag another women, a part of me dies."
A few more shags should finish the job!

842-
Mary says to Sue, "I have to be really careful not to get pregnant."
Sue says, "But I thought your husband just had a vasectomy?"
"That's right," says Mary, "that's why I need to be really careful." 

843-
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window. His wife yells, "That guy just fucked me twice!" He says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he fucked you once?" She says, "Because I thought it was you
-- until he started the second time."

844-
When people see me and my wife, they always think we're so in love.
I think it's because we're always holding hands. The thing is, if I let go, she shops.

845-
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best of all is that I took her back to Italy for our 20th anniversary!'
The Priest responded, 'Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.'
Luigi proudly replied, 'I'm a-gonna go and get her back.'

846-
Last night, my wife asked me if I wanted to share what our fantasies are with each other! She told me hers, having sex in a public place. When I told her mine she threw me out! Apparently, gagging her sister and forcing her to take it up the arse isn't appropriate!
Women, eh? 

847-
George Burns told a story about cheating on his wife once during their marriage. He kept it to himself, but he felt so bad that he bought Gracie a beautiful diamond bracelet. Finally, after several years had gone by, he confessed to Gracie about his indiscretion. 
She said, "I know. I was hoping you'd do it again. I wanted a ring to match."

848-
My wife recently told me she has lost some weight.
She wasn't too happy when I told her that her arse had found it. 

849-
My wife recently complained about my lack of interest in her family.
So I fucked her mother.

850-
The wife caught me looking at an attractive young woman while we were in the park today. She complained my gazing had "objectivised" the lady. I was forced to agree but in my defense I did point out that she had nice tits.

851-
Jill: You wouldn't believe how inexperienced with women my ex was when we first married. 
Mary: How bad was he? 
Jill: On our wedding night, he tried to inflate me. 

852-
Jill brings her friend Betty home unexpectedly with her from shopping one day. They come upstairs to find her husband there and he is in bed screwing with another woman.
Betty is horrified but Jill turns calmly away from the doorway and says to Betty, "Let's go downstairs and have a cup of coffee."
Stunned, Betty numbly agrees, so they sit around the kitchen for the longest time, until finally Betty can't stand it anymore. "Good God, Jill," she blurts out, "what about that woman he is screwing upstairs?"
"Screw her," says Jill. "Let the bitch make her own fucking coffee!"

853-
A staunch Conservative man married a woman from a staunch Labour family.
The festivities were in full swing when the bridegroom got up on a table and proposed a toast, "to the Conservative party!"
The wife's family left in disgust and the wife immediately stopped talking to him.
When they got to bed in the honeymoon hotel, the bridegroom tried to get a leg over but the wife was pretending to be asleep and did not respond. He tried another couple of times and then gave up.
The wife realised she was being hard on him and decided to give in tactfully.
"John, there's a split in the Labour party and if the Conservative candidate would like to stand, there's a good chance that he'll get in!"
The groom replied: "Sorry love, the Conservative candidate has stood three times already but failed to get in, so he went independent and lost his deposit!" 

854-
My wife was moaning yesterday that we are the only white couple living on our street. I told her to shut the fuck up. It was her idea to move to Nairobi in the first place.

855-
Me and my girlfriend broke up yesterday.
I just don't know what went wrong between Fatso and me.

856-
For my wife's last birthday I paid for her to have 10 sessions with a personal trainer. 
Now when I say "heel!" she does as she's told.

857-
My wife thinks I'm too nosey; 
At least, that's what she wrote in her diary and texted to all her mates. 

858-
Maury and Pauly were at the bar again, exchanging confidences after their 6th beer: "You know," says Maury, " I been married 23 years, and I'm still in love with the same woman I had my first sex with." "'At's wonnerful," replies Pauly.
"Just don't say anything about it to my wife," continues Maury, "if she ever found out about it, she'd kill me!"

859-
My wife said I make her feel worthless, and I decided to show her that she isn't.
I sold one of her kidneys. 

860-
Divorce Correspondence
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either, you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P. S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P. S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

861-
The wife complained to me that I do not take her seriously.
I had to laugh 

862-
Picture the scene . . you come home from work and the door is opened by your woman who's wearing nothing apart from one of your shirts. Her long legs disappear invitingly up into the shirt and she walks slowly up the stairs, beckoning you with her finger and a 'come hither' look in her eye. Isn't it great how a woman wearing a man's shirt can be so sexy. 
Of course, if it's the other way around and she comes home and finds you wearing one of her frocks, things don't run quite so smoothly. 

863-
The wife asked ask me if I would still love her, "if I put on weight and lost my looks." 
I asked, "how do you mean, 'if'?"

864-
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes. 
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. 
He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

865-
I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, no more payments! 
So I called my daughter, Jane, to come over to my house. When she got there, I said to her, "I want you to take this last cheque over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last cheque she's ever going to get from me. And I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face." 
So Jane took the cheque over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say. As Jane walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?" 
"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face." 

866-
The dull and desperate looking woman sat disconsolately in her attorney's office. "On what grounds do you want a divorce?" asked the lawyer.
On the grounds of extreme cruelty," she replied. "He want sex every night, front and back, and he has a dick like a donkey's! - It hurts like buggery!"
The lawyer raised an eyebrow and said, "If that is the case, I will file your petition," .
"File my petition? Pig's bloody arse you will!!! Let that bastard sandpaper his dick!"

867-
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday, her response was "a surprise".
After a week contemplating in hospital, I've came to the conclusion that finding me in bed with her sister was not the 'surprise' that she had in mind. 

868-
Someone mentioned his wife wanting their sex life spiced up.
I find that if you rub hot chilli paste on your cock before the act, that usually does the trick! 

869-
A man was explaining to his marriage counsellor how he really loved his wife, Edith, but he just couldn't drop his mistress, Kate. 
The marriage counsellor shook his head and said, "You can't have your Kate and Edith too."

870-
A man is having a beer with his buddies at the bar and tells them, "I'm divorcing my wife because she has disgusting habits. I went to piss in the sink this morning and it was still full of dirty dishes..."

871-
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?" The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her Suzy. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother. So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough. Expecting to only pick up the biscuit she had a very unexpected episode of gas, which made a thunderous growling sound. Her husband startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong honey?" she asked. He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing growls like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to tease it with meat!"

872-
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? 
None! They NEVER get the house!

873-
We were watching James Bond the other day when my wife said, "phwoar, I could do him some damage!"
I said, "how's that then? You'd go on top?"

874-
How come, when a couple get divorced, the bloke has to pay his ex-wife a share of his future earnings but the woman doesn't have to do the bloke's future housework?

875-
Was shagging the wife last night and I asked her to moan a bit to get me excited.
So she said the ceiling needs painting.

876-
I still think about my ex quite a lot...
It's really hard to push the lawnmower over the 'bump'. 

877-
Yesterday my pregnant wife told me, "Honey, the baby's kicking". so I kicked the shit out of him. How dare he kick my wife?

878-
I've just found out I've got a three year old daughter!
My wife says I need to be a bit more attentive round the house.

879-
What's the difference between training a dog and training a wife?
You can't see the bruises on a dog. 

880-
I was lying in bed this morning watching my wife sleeping.
Apparently I'm not supposed to do that since the divorce. 

881-
The two ladies were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male. "Aren't you worried about your husband's new job at the gas station? Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil." "Doesn't matter." giggled the other lady. "He doesn't do all my writing anyway.

882-
A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

883-
My wife left me this morning and took the satellite tuner with her.
In the words of the late Bob Marley: No Woman, No Sky

884-
"Look," said the husband, "if you don't put some more action into it in the sack, I'm gonna go out and get me some 'strange stuff'."
"Listen," snapped the wife, "if you could somehow manage just a inch or so more, you'd get yourself some 'strange stuff' right here."

885-
I don't mind this role reversal business at all. 
I am happy to stay at home when my wife goes out to work. I am happy to do the dishes, the cooking and the rest of the housework - and besides, our milkman is fantastic in bed.

886-
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

887-
I have sex with my wife in car parks.
If I leave her there it gives me plenty of time to get to get to my girlfriend's house and back. 

888-
I bought some sexy lingerie to spice things up in the bedroom with my wife.
She thought I looked ridiculous in them. 

889-
My wife came to me and asked my advice on what she should wear out tonight.
I told her, the carpet between the kitchen and the bedroom.

890-
Good News, Bad News
Sally phoned her husband, Bill, at work for a chat.
"I'm sorry dear," said Bill, "but I'm up to my neck in work today. I don't have time to chat."
Sally replied, "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."
"OK, darling," said Bill, "but as I've got no time right now, just give me the good news."
"OK," agreed Sally. "Well, the air bag works!"

891-
A man enters his apartment to find his wife making passionate love on the couch with another man, and he starts yelling at her.
"Oh, great!" said the woman. "Big mouth's home; now the whole building will know!"

892-
After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't married, I'd give this stupid game up!" 

893-
Frank: Well, you're certainly coming up in the world, playing golf with not one, but two caddies! 
Ted: Oh, it was my wife's idea. 
Frank: Your wife? 
Ted: Yeah. She thought I should spend more time with the kids.

894-
A friend of mine was having a bit of marital tension in his household and was trying to figure out just what to do about it. In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to him that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives." 
My friend looked at me kind of funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language!"

895-
How to cure Premature Ejaculation.....
Open your eyes and actually look at your fat wife instead of fantasising about her younger sexier sister............

896-
My friend got married last week. He said, "I can't believe I'm actually married. I'm going to be having sex with the same woman every night for the rest of my life."
I replied, "this is your first marriage, isn't it?"

897-
Dear Tech Support: 
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. 
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. 

Dear Desperate, 
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. 
Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run these applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3. 
Tech support

898-
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.... 

899-
I spend an hour each evening walking around our neighborhood. That's when I spotted it: A 1975 Honda 550 
4-cylinder motorcycle with just 11,000 original miles and a price tag of only $1,250. Every day I made a point of passing and examining this fine specimen. I also spent many hours explaining to my unheeding wife the importance of owning such a classic piece of machinery. Two weeks passed. One morning while driving my daughter to school, I told her I was going to swing by the house where the motorcycle had been for sale. I said I hoped it was still available. "Don't worry, Daddy, it will be," she told me. "None of the wives will let their husbands buy it." 

900-
The other day I went to Office Max to get some supplies. While there I bought a new ink cartridge for my printer. It came in a fairly large box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic.
When I took it apart, which took an unnecessarily long time, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small. It seems they made the packaging large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.
So I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect… It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal. She’s still laughing.

901-
If women are so good at multi-tasking, how come my wife can never have an orgasm at the same time as we're having sex?

902-
A COUPLE I KNOW were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung. Don was annoyed at Debby's indifference to what he felt was a poor job. 
"The problem is that I'm a perfectionist and you're not," he finally said to her. 
"Exactly!" she replied. "That's why you married me and I married you!"

903-
A man says to his wife, "what would you say if I told you I'd won the lottery?"
She says, "I'd take half and then leave you."
"Excellent," the guy says. "I had three numbers come up and won a tenner. Here's a fiver...now fuck off!"

904-
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about the three children?" That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got." 

905-
After two years in Kandahar, a Marine was shipped back to the States. Naturally, after a tearful shipside reunion, he and his beautiful wife went immediately to a hotel. Much later that night, a drunk, wandering the hail, banged on their door, shouting, "Let me in!" "Good Lord," said the Marine, leaping from the bed only half awake. "I'll bet that's your husband!" "Don't be silly,' his wife said sleepily. "He's in Afghanistan."

906-
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

907-
Dave comes home from work early one day. He walks in to the kitchen and sees his wife on her knees, scrubbing the floor. He watches the rhythmic movements of her bum stuck high in the air for a few seconds, before he can't take it any more.
Without a word, he lifts up her skirt, slides in and gives her the pounding of her life until they both orgasm loudly. Then he zips himself up, gets to his feet and kicks her up the arse as hard as he can. "What was that for?!" she screams at him. "That was for not turning round to see who it was." he replies.

908-
Wife: Why am I a size 10 in one shop and then in another I'm a 12. It doesn't make sense.
Husband: It's probably because there's a MacDonald's in between the two shops, you fat bitch! 

909-
My wife left me a week last Monday. She said she was going out for a bottle of milk and I've not seen her since. Everyone keeps asking if I'm managing ok, but I'll be fine; I found some of that powdered stuff in the back of the cupboard. 

910
I was staring at my wife this morning and I said, "you know, there are three things I really don't like about you..."
"Oh, what are they?" she asked.
"Your chin."

911-
My wife got really cross with me the other day because I happened to mention her bum looked a little big in a picture that I was looking at.
Though to be fair, I was looking at Google Earth at the time.

912-
My Wife said she wanted a white Christmas last year
So I came in her eyes.

913-
My wife told me to make love like in the movies.
So I stuck it in her arse and came on her face. She got mad with me.
I guess we don't watch the same movies!

914-
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

915-
A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). 
The Customer Service Representative told her that J. C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.
The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."

916-
To spice up things in the bedroom with the wife I bought a book entitled '101 positions'. 
Didn't work though.
She bought a book entitled '102 excuses'

917-
If your wife asks you, "Do these pants make me look fat?" I think a good answer is, "I'm sleeping with your sister." 
It will distract her from the pants, and let's face it, she was going to find out about you two sooner or later.

918-
I took my girlfriend round to see my family today.
My wife went fucking mental.

919-
Seven Stages of the Married Cold
Stage 1: Sugar dumpling, I've really been worried about my baby girl. That's a bad sniffle and there's no telling about these things with all the strep that's going around. I'm going to put you in the hospital for a general check-up and a good rest. I know the food's terrible, but I'm going to bring you dinner every night from Rosini's. I've got it all arranged with the floor supervisor.
Stage 2: Listen, darling, I don't like the sound of that cough. I'm going to call Doc Miller to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl just for papa.
Stage 3: Maybe you'd better lie down, honey. Nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy. I'll bring you something. Have we got any canned soup?
Stage 4: Now look, dear, be sensible. After you've fed the kids and gotten the dishes done and the floor mopped, you'd better lie down for a while.
Stage 5: Why don't you take a couple of aspirins?
Stage 6: Why you'd just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal all evening!
Stage 7: Would you stop coughing on me?!? Are you trying to give me pneumonia?!?

920-
My Wife wanted to spice up our sex life, but be romantic at the same time. So I rubbed chilli powder into her vagina.
It must have been romantic enough because it bought tears to her eyes.

921-
I got my wife a vibrator for her birthday.
She's done nothing but moan ever since.

922-
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he came across a mirror, and picked it up. Of course he looks into it, but not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father much. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with!'

923-
A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents. She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator
"And finally" she said "I do thank my new parents-in-law for giving me such a beautiful perky copulator"

924-
Woman serving dinner to husband:
"It's a hamburger surprise. You had it yesterday and the day before, and you certainly didn't expect to get it again tonight."

925-
My wife loves it when my mates say she's got lovely big tits, but she gets the right hump when her mates say I've got a lovely big cock.

926-
My wife asked me how my view of her had changed since we first got together. I told her it was just a question of intonation. When I met her, she had a fucking great arse. Now she's got a fucking great arse.

927-
An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to his wife and, "Muffin, I feel like making love tonight" The wife replied, "Ok Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time." "But I am always gentle with you, dearest," "That's not true, she replied,
"the last time you woke me up TWICE!"

928-
My father in law handed me a note on my wedding day saying, "Goods delivered are non-returnable."
I handed it back and said, "Contract void if seal is broken." 

929-
A guy is shagging his overweight missus when his phone rings.
"You'll have to phone back mate" he says, "I'm in the tub"

930-
What is the difference between a wife and a prostitute?
One is contract and the other is pay-as-you-go.

931-
My wife was giving a dinner party, and between courses she was having a sly slurp of wine in the kitchen while dishing up each course.
Eventually it got to pudding, which was to be Sticky Toffee Pudding. She gaily sailed into the room, three sheets to the wind, and announced "Now who would like some Stiffy Cocky Pudding?"
There followed a stunned silence.

932-
Two pals from the army meet in the street:
-HI! We haven't seen each other so long, what's up?
-I got married, you know.
-That's great, we've got to celebrate that somehow. Come to my place tonight so we'll have a small orgy.
-Well, how many people are gonna be there?
-If you come with your wife - three.

933-
-HI! We haven't seen each other a long time, what's up?
-I got married.
-So? How is it? Better?
-Better? - I don't think so, but more often - for sure.

934-
I'm living with a girl but we're not married. Its kinda like leasing with an option to buy.

935-
My wife thinks I don't know my arse from my elbow.
Well that's where she's wrong, because it certainly wasn't my arse that knocked three of her teeth out. 

936-
The wife asked me if I'd like to see her in something long and flowing on New Year's Eve.
I said, "The Thames would be nice." 

937-
My wife suggested we should play some sex games to spice up our sex lives.
Unfortunately, "guess who I shagged last night?" didn't go down very well.

938-
My wife couldn't wait to get home after our wedding reception. I was pretty keen as well, thinking she was after the night of passionate sex that I had in mind..
Turned out she just wanted to change her relationship status on Facebook from 'Engaged' to 'Married'. 

939-
When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend, Dan, if he would share the results with his wife.
"That would require me to go home and say, 'Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what's wrong with me,'" he said. "And based on that, considering we've been married 23 years, she'd hand me a bill for about $798,000."

940-
I'm married...sorry ladies...
It'll have to be your place

941-
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."

942-
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be much lower."
My brother smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."

943-
Husband to wife. "You should go bra-less."
She says, "Do you think my breasts are still perky enough?"
He says, "No, but maybe it'd pull the wrinkles out of your face."

944-
Hoping for an "all nighter" with the wife I took some Viagra whilst on a course of iron tablets....
No fucking sex though...I just span around pointing north.

945-
My wife was telling me that black men's cocks taste like cabbage. Then I thought- how would she know that? 
The fat bitch has never eaten cabbage in her life.

946-
My wife and I were making our own funeral arrangements and the director showed us into a room in which containers for ashes were on display.
After we looked at the choices, I asked my wife if she had decided.
She sighed, "Yes, the wood-finish one, as it will likely go into the ground."
After a moment's pause, however, she continued, "But I really prefer the blue one. You know I always look good in blue."

947-
My wife has just walked out on me.
If it was me who had come home and caught her on the sofa, wanking over porno mags, it would have made our relationship stronger.
I don't fucking understand women. 

948-
"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee. "I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."
"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered.
"First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.
Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.
"All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"

949-
My missus told me the shittest joke I've ever heard earlier. "What's the thinnest book in the world? 'What Men Know About Women'."
She laughed hysterically until I punched her in the balls.

950-
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said: 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said: 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said: 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled: 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?' 

951-
I was sick of my wife poking her nose in to my business.
Every time I turned around, she was there.
At the pub last night I went to the toilet and for a laugh wrote on the wall "My wife follows me everywhere." Then I went in a cubicle for a shit. When I came out I smiled to myself and had a look at my little note on the wall. Written underneath was "No I fucking don't" 

952-
Moanin' Mike is sitting in his local bar with his buddies, sharing a beer and bragging about his sex life. Moanin' says, I have great sex with my wife. She's very vocal, she can really rattle the windows, and most of it really turns me on. I love it when she screams, 'Harder!' I love it when she screams, 'Faster!' "Man, you lucky dog! Says his one buddy. But come on and tell the truth, isn't there sometimes a problem with your sex life?" "The only problem I have..." Moanin' said dejectedly, "Is when she screams, ....'Deeper!'"

953-
After a hard day at the office, Karen comes home to find all the lights out in the house. She walks in wondering, "what's going on?"
Suddenly, all the lights come on and everyone comes out of their hiding places and shouts, "SURPRISE!"
Shocked to find her husband and all his work colleagues there, she says, "it's not my birthday."
"I know it's not, love," her husband says. "It's a gang rape." 

954-
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend"
And then the fight started....

955-
My wife always sucks in her stomach when she weighs herself.
She knows it makes no difference to her weight.
But its the only way she can see the numbers on the scales. 

956-
My ex-wife died recently, and I felt I had better go to the burial.
As the vicar was talking about what a kind, beautiful, caring, sensitive and charitable woman she was, something hit me...
I must be at the wrong fucking funeral.

957-
Comic relief is when you add a touch of humour to an otherwise serious situation. 
It's like the word "obey" in the marriage ceremony.

958-
The credit crunch has seen a big rise in the divorce rate. 
This has nothing to do with the stress of the situation. It's just a great opportunity to get rid of the old bag when the divorce settlement is 50% of fuck all. 

959-
The wife is going to go mental.
I flushed Viagra down the toilet - now the seat will be up for weeks. 

960-
This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself." So, he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of iced tea. His wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So, where's mine?" "Huh? I thought you were out of town."

961-
At a session with a marriage counsellor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true! I do so enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counsellor, she explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year!"

962-
They made a movie about my wife's sex life --"The Night of the Living Dead"

963-
It really annoys me when my wife uses my toothbrush.
I wish she would just use that vibrator I got her for Christmas.

964-
I laced my wife's coffee with Rohypnol last night. 
As soon as she nodded off, I carried her into the bedroom and then I fucked off down to the pub. I fancied a game of darts. 

965-
After the big Superbowl party, Doug figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed. "Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run." "How about Foreplay?" his wife replies. "What's the Four Play?" says Doug. "You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."

966-
As a single, never married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.
In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"
In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet?"
Now, people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"

967-
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"
Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Ed. I've been telling you for the last half hour, I'll be ready in a minute!"

968-
I was driving through the red light district with the wife last night when my wife said, "Oh look - there's one of those whores, or prossies, or scrubbers or whatever you call them".
I said, "It's Gemma".
I wonder who'll get to keep the house? 

969-
Fiddling around the house early one morning, I decided to climb back into bed with my sleeping husband. 
He stirred and asked, "Is it time to get up?" 
"No. I just thought we could lie in bed." 
"Okay," he said. "I'm a billionaire. Your turn." 

970-
Made a basic error last night:
In bed I touched the other half on the bum but just got the terse reply, "Don't touch what you can't afford."
So I said, "Why? Are you selling it by the kilo now?"

971-
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my X-box.

972-
I forget things. All the time. Even important stuff, like my wife's birthday and our anniversary.
This year, I had an idea for solving my dilemma. I set up an account with the florist, with instructions to send flowers to my wife for every important event -- Mother's Day, Valentine's, birthday, anniversary... even the anniversary of our first date. And with each batch of flowers there was a note: "From your loving husband."
Needless to say, I screwed it up. On my wife's birthday, I walked in the door, noticed the bouquet on the table, and promptly said...
"Nice flowers honey! Where'd you get 'em?"

973-
Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well," he mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."

974-
My wife asked me to make love to her like they do in the movies,
So I shoved my dick in her, Rammed her while shouting FUCK ME RIGHT NOW JIZZ BITCH!
From the look on her face I hazard a guess that we don't watch the same movies. 

975-
Two friends were at a bar discussing life and love. One said, "Would you believe that out of all the women I've been with not a one of them was a virgin? It'd be nice if girls saved themselves for marriage. I think it would cure a big part of the huge divorce crisis we have."
"Yeah, Jim, I hear you," said the other. "Out of all the women I've been with I've only had two virgins myself; my wife and yours."

976-
The two ladies were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male. "Aren't you worried about your husband's new job at the gas station? Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil." 
"Doesn't matter." giggled the other lady. "He doesn't do all my writing anyway."

977-
I said to my wife, "When I die, I'd like to die having sex."
She said, "At least we know it'll be quick." 

978-
Jack Goldbloom says to his wife Rachel: ‘you remind me of a yacht’
Rachel asked: ‘do her curves remind you of my waist, the mast of my legs and the stern of my cute bum? 
‘No’ answers Jack ‘every time I’m on top of you I get sick’

979-
A guy and his wife were laying in bed talking. Out of the blue, he said, "Honey, if I die, I know you'll eventually remarry. So, as soon as I'm gone, I want you to sell all my stuff."
She asked, "Now, why would you want me to do that?"
He replied, "Well, I don't want some other asshole using all my stuff."
She said, "What makes you think I'd marry ANOTHER asshole?"

980-
Today someone told me that my wife was irreplaceable.
....I think a few pornos and a dishwasher might beg to differ 

981-
On his wedding night Johnson kissed his bride on the forehead then rolled over and went to sleep.
For the next five nights he never got any closer than an occasional peck on the forehead. Then came Saturday and Johnson left right after dinner to join the boys down at the poolroom.
For his wife, this was the last straw and she began to pack her things. A few minutes later, Johnson burst into the room, grabbed his wife, tore off all her clothes, threw her down on the bed and began making violent love to her.
"Why, all of a sudden?" she gasped.
"Well, said Johnson, "the boys down at the poolroom told me you put out."

982-
I walked in on the wife the other day struggling with the ironing board. She usually keeps it folded up and out of the way behind the laundry room door and then pulls it out on the rare occasion something actually needs ironing, like one of my dress shirts or a blouse she's planning on wearing. 
She was pulling and yanking on the thing when she saw me and declared, " You need to go out and buy me a new ironing board. It's almost impossible to get this thing's legs open." 
"Now you know what I have to deal with," I responded. 

983-
Jon lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Right downtown. His house was literally right downtown. But he had no indoor plumbing. He did, however, have an outhouse. The older he got, though, the further away it seemed to get.
One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, he decided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch.
His wife was pretty pissed about his decision. "Jon, you moron. Our neighbors can see you when you do this, you know."
He'd not given THAT scenario much thought, so he promised his wife he'd not do it again.
Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold. Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a race horse. He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the bedroom to do his business.
He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious as wives are apt to be, said, "You weren't gone very long."
"That's right."
"You went off the porch again, didn't you?"
"Yes, I did."
"We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbors could see you, right. They'll know it was you and what you're doing out there."
"Naw, they won't know it's me! This time I was squatting down!"

984-
The sailor came home from a secret year-long mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. 
"Was it my friend Sam?" he demanded. 
"No!" his weeping wife replied. 
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked. 
"NO!" she said even more upset. 
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he yelled. 
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she screamed.

985-
Felt a bit fed up today so to cheer myself up I watched my wedding video backwards. I love the end bit where I take the ring off, go back down the aisle, jump in the car and piss off!

986-
Can anyone help me figure this out? Every month or so, my wife becomes very irritable and for a few days wants nothing to do with me. 
Call me naive or superstitious, but I think she maybe turning into a werewolf. 

987
Treat your wife like a hoover.
If the bitch stops sucking, change the bag.

988-
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Stella arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Wally had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day, she told her golfing friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Wally even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'
'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
'Oh, that ..., Wally was too tired..'

989-
It was the happiest day of my life. As I entered the church my wife was already waiting by the altar. I walk up to her, smiled, kissed her on the cheek, and closed the fucking lid.

990-
Mick was attending his 4wd club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming Innamincka trip because his missus wouldn't let him go. 
After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks Mick left to go back home to the missus. 
When Mick's mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka common the following week who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of the Cooper , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals. 
" How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Mick?"" 
I didn't have to ," was Mick's reply. 
" When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, " Surprise " . 
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said , ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want .'
SO HERE I AM

991-
My wife wanted a boob job for her birthday.
So I bought her a bottle of baby lotion and whipped my cock out.

992-
The trouble with my wife is that she has a weight problem. Every time I want sex, she says, "Wait."

993-
What a single spelling mistake can do on an SMS...
Husband went to Cape Town for a conference.
And sent SMS to his wife:
Having a wonderful time, wish you were HER ......!!

994-
A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from bathroom with an urgent report.
"Bill, listen," he told the host, "Doug's in the kitchen making love to your wife!"
"OK, that's it, guys," Bill said. "This is positively the last deal."

995-
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch. 

996-
Me and the wife have been trying for a baby.
We nearly got one outside Asda on Saturday.

997-
The businessman came home from work about 6 PM. He'd barely got in the door before his wife greeted him with a passionate kiss. Then she pulled him into the bedroom, pushed him down on the bed, unzipped his fly, and began to give him a fantastic blow job. Not daring to interrupt her, he waited until he has got his rocks off in a mighty explosion, which his wife slurps up eagerly and swallows. He stares fondly at her, then asks, "All right, my dear, what did you do to the car THIS time?"

998-
Marriage is that wonderful relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is always a husband.

999-
I asked my ex-wife if, in the eighteen years we were married, she had ever faked an orgasm.
She replied, "Only with you..."

1000-
The young married couple lived right across the street from a grass widow, and when the husband ran over to borrow anything, it usually took him longer than the wife thought it should. One time, while he was over there, the wife called the widow on the telephone and after a considerable delay, the widow answered. "I'd like to know," said the wife, burning with jealousy, "why it takes my husband so long to get something over there!" "So would I," said the widow, "and this interruption isn't helping any!"

1001-
The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual, and his wife asked him why. He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut. "But I don’t understand," she protested. "I thought we had a very good sex life." 
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to you another way."

1002-
Wife: There's a nice-looking lady at the window table.
Husband: She's a hooker.
Wife: How can you be so sure?
Husband: C'mon! Look at her hair, all that make-up, that short skirt, the plunging neckline, and those high heels.
Wife: But you like it when I dress like that. Do you think I look like a hooker?
Husband: There's no way I can get out of this conversation alive, is there?

1003-
What's the worst thing about catching your wife in bed with another woman?
Who's in the kitchen?

1004-
One thing I can say about my wife is that her in-laws are a lot nicer than mine.

1005-
My wife said she wanted more variety in our sex life.
Now I tell a few jokes, fuck her, then sing a song.

1006-
Pa and Ma were taking a load of produce into town to sell. Pa held the reins as the old horse trotted down the road.
Ma said softly, "Pa, hold my hand." 
Pa obliged.
A bit later, Ma says, "Pa, kiss me?" 
So he kisses her.
A little further along, she says. "Pa..."
"Damn it. Ma!" snapped Pa. "Get off the cucumbers and sit on the melons!"

1007-
My husband was telling colleagues about his involvement with our local YMCA Indian Guides and Indian Princesses programs. His Indian name was Walking Deer, he told them. Our daughter was Little Fawn, and our son, Running Deer.
"What do you call your wife!" one co-worker asked.
"Yes Dear," my husband replied.

1008-
The husband finally got wise to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her, and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".
The husband convinced himself that his marriage would still be a loving and trustworthy one had this S. O. B. not come into the picture. Being a man of 21st century and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business- like manner.
He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM next Friday.
The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:
Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium. 

1009-
My wife said to me, "Isn't it odd how on our keyboard the letters ORPN and YGA have been worn out?"

1010-
Let me start by saying straight out that I love my wife and would do almost anything for her. She's beautiful, sexy, thoughtful and a great cook and I would love to have her be the mother of my children, but for her one major failing - she's a n*gger.
Obviously I knew this before we got married, but being blinded by love I hoped we could get beyond that one day, more fool me. When I think of what way our kids might turn out with a n*gger for a mother, I squirm.
A couple of my friends are going out with n*ggers and they've both admitted that at times it can be very hard to deal with and that it's an issue which could lead to a break-up.
Let's face it guys, we look for the hot chicks - blondes, brunettes, redheads, curvy, slim, tall, short, it's all good - but nobody really wants to end up with a n*gger, do they?
Can anyone offer me any advice apart from getting shot of her and looking for a woman more my type? As I said, she's an absolutely adorable woman, and I would gladly spend the rest of my life in bliss with her - if she'd just stop n*gging!

1011-
You know the romance is over when you come to bed, ready to make love to your wife, and she is on the phone, and she tells whoever she is talking to that she will call them back in ten minutes...

1012-
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. 

1013-
My wife asked me to act out my wildest fantasies.
So I filed for divorce.

1014-
Last night my wife said to me what would you do without me
Apparently your sister was the wrong answer

1015-
Marriages are made in Heaven...............................but so are thunder and lightning.

1016-
A man comes home from the pub late one night, very drunk.
His wife says to him, "Okay then, smart arse, explain that lipstick on your collar."
"Fucking easy love, I used it to wipe my cock."

1017-
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.
"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."

1018-
Wife: "The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie."
Husband: "Oh? And which is this?"

1019-
Howard has just finished reading an article in the Jewish Chronicle about fathers, genetics, and the intelligence of children. He turns to his wife Judith and says, "Darling, I’ve just read an article that says something I’ve believed in for a long time."
"So what does this article say, Howard?" asks Judith, trying to look interested.
"It says that scientific evidence now points to the fact that the intelligence of a father often proves a stumbling block to his son."
"Thank God for that," says Judith. "It means that there is nothing standing in the way for our little Paul to be a great success in the future."

1020-
Arnold and Naomi are on holiday in London and go to see a very popular West End show called AN EVENING OF MAGIC AND ILLUSIONS BY THE GREAT MINKOVSKY
Minkovsky has just amazed his audience by clearly sawing in half a volunteer from the audience and then putting him back together again. After the applause eventually dies down, Arnold shouts out to Minkovsky, "Oy mister. How on earth did you do that?"
"Well sir," replies Minkovsky. "Anyone can come to my dressing room after the performance is over and I can show them how I did it. But I would then have to kill them immediately afterwards."
After thinking about this answer for a few seconds, Arnold shouts back, "Ok, Mr Minkovsky, I agree with your terms and conditions. Please be ready to show my wife how it was done!"

1021-
To spice up things in the bedroom with the wife I bought a book entitled '101 positions'.
Didn't work though.
She bought a book entitled '102 excuses'

1022-
The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.
The driver wasn't too sure how to get there, so told the couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their destination.
Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait to get busy, so they got down to business in the back seat.
During the couple's moment of passion, the cab driver noticed a fork in the road, and said, "I take the next turn, right?"
"No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine!"

1023-
I got so excited when my husband expressed interest in my daily quiet time sessions. "You don't have to close your eyes," I explained. "You can keep them open and focus on something like a candle or a spot in front of you."
He nodded thoughtfully. "Could it be a TV?"

1024-
I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, "What's the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?" "Morning Sickness."

1025-
After eight days of backpacking, my wife and I were looking pretty scruffy. She came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her hair sticking out at odd angles.
She asked, "Does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?"
I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

1026-
Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, MY sister arrived by train, so that she could help with the house and kids over the weekend while my wife was gone.
On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train 10 minutes before my wife arrived.
One evening, after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter walked over to me. "Mister," he said softly and with a slightly concerned look, "you sure have some system goin' here, but one of these days, you're gonna' get caught!"

1027-
His wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the settee. At strategic moments she crosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" "Yes," she answers. "Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the settee."

1028-
I've just found out I've got a three year old daughter!
My wife says I need to be a bit more attentive round the house.

1029-
My wife said to me "If our kids are old enough to ask a question about sex, then they are old enough to be told a truthful answer."
Yesterday my eight year old came home from school and asked me what a blowjob was.
"Son" I said "I can't remember"

1030-
My wife used to embarrass me in social situations by addressing me by pet names, such as 'Snugglebear', 'Honeywunny' and 'Cutiepie'.
She eventually stopped when I began doing the same thing to her.
Anyway, got to go, folks; Bucketcunt's just put my tea out.

1031-
"And what was the culmination of events that led you to file this action?" asked the man's attorney in the divorce hearing.
"All through our marriage my wife was less than fully responsive to my sexual initiatives," replied the husband, "but the clincher came one morning at the breakfast table."
"Why? What happened?"
"She announced, 'Just so you don't get your hopes up, I'm already beginning to get a headache.'

1032-
Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw." Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."
Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"
Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

1033-
Bill staggered into the house at two o'clock in the morning. As he entered his bedroom, he found another man in bed with his wife.
His wife pushed the man off her and demanded to know where Bill had been until two o'clock in he morning.
Bill looked at his wife's lover and demanded, "Who in the hell is this guy, and what is he doing in bed with you?"
The wife responded, "Don't go changing the subject! Where in the hell have you been so late?"

1034-
When the shrew learned her husband had taken a mistress, she demanded,
"Does this mean that you've had enough of me?"
"No, my dear," he coolly replied. "It means that I haven't had enough of you."

1035-
Martin was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his haste, he shivered and explained: "I'm afraid that if I should ever fall behind in my payments she might decide to repossess me."

1036-
Judith and Isaac are having an almighty row. "I’m disappointed in you, Isaac," shouts Judith. "When I first married you, I thought you were a brave man."
"Yes dear," Isaac replies, "and so did all my friends."

1037-
Hannah and Arnold have just moved house and, in her first week in their new home, Hannah has been spending a lot of time looking out her window to see what their neighbours are like. One morning, she shouts over to Arnold, "Darling, come over here quickly."
Arnold puts down his paper and does what he’s told. As they look out the window, Hannah points and says, "Just look at that couple who live over the road to us."
"Yes dear, I see them," says Arnold. "So what’s so special you should call me over to look at them?"
"Well," replies Hannah, "they are obviously very devoted to one another because every time he leaves to go to work, he passionately kisses his wife goodbye on their doorstep, then walks away blowing kisses to her all the way down the road until he’s out of sight."
"That’s nice dear," says Arnold.
"So why don’t you do that?" she asks him.
Arnold replies, "I’d like to dear, but I hardly know her."

1038-
A huge man married a petite and innocent girl who was a virgin. He was sexually experienced and suggested having sex "doggie style" on their wedding night. She didn't know what he was talking about, and when he explained it, she flew into a rage and insisted they have sex using the "normal" position or not at all. However, after having sex he was unable to withdraw his penis because it was so big and she was so small! They found themselves in the embarrassing position of having to call an ambulance to take them to the emergency room for help. After hanging up the phone he said, "You know, if you had done it the way I wanted you to, we could have walked to the emergency room."

1039-
After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate.
"Father's date of birth?" she asked.
When I told her, she said, "Do you realise that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"
"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I realise that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date."
After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."

1040-
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.
The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

1041-
For some reason, the bookstore clerk couldn't get the computer to recognize my preferred customer card.
Peering over her shoulder at the screen, I said, "There's part of the problem. It shows my birth date as 4 May 1868."
"That's right," my husband chimed in. "She was born in June, not May."

1042-
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