Ethnic 3
481-
One evening, Moshe and his partner Abe were having dinner together to celebrate a recent business deal. They were having a great time when suddenly Moshe began to find it hard to breathe.
He said, "Abe, help me, I tink I hev svallowed a bone."
"Are you choking, Moshe?" said Abe.
"No, dem it - I’m being serious."
482-
Some company executives meet at a school reunion. One of them, Moshe, arrives in a chauffer-driven Rolls Royce. Moshe has with him a beautiful young woman and she is dressed in very expensive clothes.
All evening Moshe donates and spends money as if there were no tomorrow. His friends quickly realise that he is very rich and so they ask him how he has managed to become so wealthy.
“Moshe, Don’t be offended but we never thought you would be successful. How did you do it? Please tell us.”
“I don’t mind telling you,” replies Moshe, “I’m in manufacturing and I’ve got a successful product which costs me just £1 to make. I sell all I can produce for £5 and you’d be surprised how quickly 5% adds up.”
483-
Hetty, an elderly lady, has been driving around the Brent Cross shopping centre’s car park for some time looking for a place to park when at last she finds one and stops to pull into it. Suddenly, a youngster drives his car around her and parks his smart silver Audi in her space.
Hetty is so upset that she gets out of her car and says to the young driver, "I was going to park there!"
As he walks away, the man just laughs and says, "That's what you can do when you're young and quick."
Well, this really infuriates Hetty. She gets back into her car, backs it up and then drives it at speed straight into his Audi. The youngster runs back to his damaged car and asks, "What did you do that for?"
Hetty smiles and replies, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich."
484-
Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Andy, a big Kiwi lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Andy, like most Kiwis, had little sense but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Andy was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Andy showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Andy announced that he would accept their
offer but only under three conditions: "First," he said: "I don't want to have to kuss
er. Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus." The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Wull," said Andy: "You gotta give me another wik to come up with the $500."
485-
Dating Rituals
White Women
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
Irish Women
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Italian Women
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
Jewish Women
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
Indian Women
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
Black Women
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
Mexican Women
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later: her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
Greek Women
First date: You take her to an expensive restaurant and some greek dancing.
Second date: There is no second date because her parents find out your not Greek.
Chinese
Women
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner, nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is going to happen.
486-
Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?" He says, "Hah, you be dumb! George-a Washington's the first-a President of- a United States.
I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U. S.-a citizen." A couple of days later, Giuseppi comes to work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?" He says, "Hah stupid! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-ago to night school every night. I learn all about-a United States history, and become-a U. S.-acitizen."
A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi . . .you so-a smart, you know who Fishlips Picollini is?"
Giuseppi says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Picollini is?"
The guy yells back, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."
487-
Sharvette walks into her doctor's office to have an ultrasound. The doctor told her she would be having a baby girl. He then asked her if she'd chosen a name yet?
Sharvette promptly answered: "Her name gone be Shenequa".
He asked her: "Do you have any other children?"
She said: "I gots 5 beautiful daughters and dey names be's Shenequa too".
At this point the doctor said: "How do you call them home for dinner?"
She replied: "Oh das no problem, I jus go to de front doe and yells; 'Shenequa, supper ready' and dey alls come running."
He then asked: " Well, what about if you are going somewhere?"
She said: "Das easy too, I jus yells; 'Shenequa I'm 'bout to leave yo ass', and dey all comes running real fas den."
Still a little confused, he questioned her again,:"But what if you only want to speak to one of them?"
"I jus calls dem by dey las name."
488-
SOUTHERNISMS
1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
4. Have a cup of coffee - it's already been "saucered and blowed."
5. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.
6. It's so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
7. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.
8. He's as country as a cornflake.
9. This is gooder'n grits.
10. I've been busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.
11. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
12. I'm 'bout as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
13. I'm as busy as a moth in a mitten.
13. Happy as a clam at high tide.
489-
There was the hillbilly woman who came to the hospital to have her first child. A year later she was back for a second child. The next year, almost like clockwork, she was back for her third child.
The hospital staff naturally began to expect her, and she was there, just like clockwork.
In the twelfth year - she didn't show, and the staff wondered what happened...A couple of years later she shows up, but she's not pregnant.
The hospital staff wonder what happened - did her husband die, or what?
When asked why she hadn't been there having a baby the past couple of years, she replied "No, no more.
Found out what was causin' it."
490-
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
491-
A Pakistani stops a guy in New York City.
He says, "Can you tell me where The Empire State Building is, or should I go fuck myself again?"
492-
A little Polish kid's starting in kindergarten.
The teacher says, "Every day you have to put on a clean pair of underwear."
By Saturday, he couldn't get his pants on.
493-
What's a Jewish dilemma?
A free ham.
494-
Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 3 kids?
They heard that every 4th baby born in the world is Chinese.
495-
Did you hear about the Polish girl who had two chances to get pregnant?
She blew them both.
496-
Did you hear about the really popular Polish abortion clinic?
There's a one year waiting list.
497-
Who are the two most famous black women in history?
Aunt Jemimah and Mutha Fuckah.
498-
Why don't black women make good nuns?
They can never say "superior" after "mother".
499-
Why don't Italian Mafia like Jehovah's Witnesses?
They don't like any kind of witnesses.
500-
A trip to the bakers
“How much are the bagels?”
“40p for two.”
“How much for one?”
“25p”
“Then I’ll take the other one.”
501-
One day, Becky meets her old friend Rachel in Hendon. She asks, “So how is your son the solicitor?”
“David’s fine, thanks. Please God every solicitor should be as busy as he is – he’s even having to turn away new business.”
“And how’s your daughter Hannah?”
“She’s doing really fine. She’s now playing her violin in almost every major concert hall around the world and we hardly see her these days.”
“And what about your youngest son?”
“Oh Issy? He’s doing OK, I suppose. He’s currently selling cheap clothing to all the street markets in central London. Mind you, if it wasn’t for Issy, we would all be starving.”
502-
A Welshman was wrecked on a desert island. By the time he was rescued, he had built out of driftwood not only a house for himself, but a small town with a pub, a rugby club, and two small chapels.
"But why two chapels?" asked his rescuers.
"You see that one," he replied. "Well that's the one I don't go to."
503-
Yes, New Zealanders and Australians do speak English, but with distinct accents. The Kiwi accent sounds as if it is spoken through the nose. The Australian accent sounds as if it comes from further back in the head, that it resonates through a cavity where the brain should be.
504-
An English bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The woman sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.. I come once-a-more. Two asses they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last-a-time". "You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly: "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public". "Hey, coola down lady," said the man who'd been talking: "who talkin' about sexa? I just tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi!"
505-
Three drinking pals go down to Mexico one night, get roaring drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a Jock, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says: "I am from the University of Scotland and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent". They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for his forgiveness, and release him.
The second one, an Englishman, is strapped in and gives his last words: "I am from the Oxford School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent". They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Like before, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg his forgiveness and release him.
The last one ...Paddy, is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from the University of Dublin, Ireland and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this feckin' thing in!"
506-
International Beer Syndrome
An insect falls into a mug of beer.
English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.
American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks the beer.
Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer.
Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.
507-
Moshe was a kosher butcher in Hendon. He was not doing very well and to make matters worse, his wholesaler kept on writing him threatening letters to pay his outstanding invoices. After the fifth such letter, Moshe lost his patience and replied to his wholesaler. This is what he wrote: -
Dear Sir,
I object to your recent threatening letters and I think I need to explain to you how I do business. Every month, my accountant calculates how much money I can afford to pay out. Then I place all my creditors’ invoices in a hat and get my secretary to draw out as many invoices from the hat as I have money to pay. If you persist in sending out these threatening letters, I won't even put your invoices in the hat."
508-
Billy Bob goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On his way home, Billy Bob puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on... everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his
wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
Billy Bob then says: "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"
509-
A captain is signing on a new ships crew in Sydney. The first up is an Aussie. the Captain
asks him for his discharge book and spends some time looking through it and then starts to question the sailor.
"Are you married? what's your wife's name/ how many children do you have? what religion are you? are you close to your parents/ etc. etc. etc."
The bloke can't believe all these questions. He's never been asked all these things when he has signed on ships before.
The next bloke up is a Pom and the Captain looks at his discharge book says very good and tells him to sign on.
Aussie can't understand this.
The ship sails and when they get out to sea the sailors are scrubbing the decks and there is a big swell running and a wave comes up and washes the Pom over the side. Aussie goes up on the bridge and say's to the Captain, "You know when we were signing on yesterday, you wanted to know the
ins and outs of a duck's arse about my private life before you would let me sign on but you just let that Pom sign on without asking him a thing"
"That's right" said the Captain, "so what about it?"
"Well next time you should check on him 'cos he's just fucked off with your mop and bucket"
510-
Why did the Polack marry his dog?
He had to.
511-
Definition of a Jewish ménage-a-trois
Two headaches and a hard-on.
512-
Who's the poorest guy in West Virginia?
The Tooth Fairy.
513-
Ruth's baby is born with just one eyelid,
"Oy! oy! vat am I going to do?' she says to the doctor.
"Don't vorry" he says "after the bris ve take the little bit of skin from down there and make him a nice new eyelid"
"You can't do that" says Ruth, "it will make him cockeyed"
"On the contrary" says the doctor, "it will give him good foresight"
514-
"Little Red Goldberg I vant you should take some goodies to grannies"
"Ooh! I love going to grannies vith goodies" says Little Red Goldberg, "what are the goodies momma?"
"There is chicken zoup vith matzo balls and fresh bagels"
Away goes Little Red Goldberg trippidy trippidy down the lane to grannies and who should she meet on the way but greedy little Hymie Solomons.
"Vere you going vith the goodies basket Little Red Goldberg" asks greedy little Hymie Solomons
"I am going to mine grannies vith some chicken zoup, matzo balls and bagels"
Hearing this greedy little Hymie Solomons takes a short cut to grannies house and locks her in the closet.
There is a knock at the door, "Come in Little Red Goldberg and give me some goodies" he calls out.
"How did you know it vas me granny? "I could smell the goodies" says Hymie, "so give me the goodies"
"But vait a minute granny I haf to say something first"
"Vell say it and give me the goodies" says greedy little Hymie Solomons
"Granny, vat big ears you got"
"All the better to hear about the goodies, so give me the goodies"
"But granny, vat big eyes you got"
"All the better to see the goodies, so give me the goodies"
"But granny, vat a big nose you got"
"YOU should fucking talk!"
515-
Jack says "come on Aussie we're going to the dance tonight and find you a sheila"
"I can't get a sheila Jack I'm too shy and don't know what to say to 'em"
"It's easy says Jack you just walk up and start a conversation about anything"
Off they go to the dance and Jack is chatting up all the sheilas but Aussie is just hanging around the bar too dumb to say anything. It's getting to the end of the dance and Jack says to him "you're going to miss out in a minute so go up to that one over there before she goes home and chat her up"
Aussie sums up all of his courage and walks over to this nice looking sheila thinking of something nice to say and just as he gets up to her she walks in the ladies. He's waiting around outside and tells Jack what is happening and that he knows what to do. Just then the door opens and out comes the nice looking sheila and Aussie, all brave, walks right up to her and says,
"Was yer just in for shit"
516-
If a brassiere is an upper decker flopper stopper,
and a jock strap is a lower decker nacker checker,
what is a Japanese playboy whose father's got dysentery?
He's a slap happy jappy with a crap happy pappy.
517-
Genesis for Cobbers
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footie matches, going to the beach and bbq's. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and bbq's. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.
On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and bbq's on the beach. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for bbq's. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for bbq's. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footie, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at bbq's. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footie, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good.... well most good. He saw that the blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheila's - to clean the house, bear children, wash, and cook and clean the bbq. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was Bloody Good!
518-
A big business man in Washington calls in two of his black employees and tells them that he wants them to drive his large Lincoln automobile down to his summer residence in Miami,
Off they go feeling mighty important driving such an expensive car and along the way they see this
gorgeous miss looking for a lift. Let's pick her up and give her the big time
they decide.
Howdee mam we's all goin' down to our place in Miami so you is welcom' to ride along wid us
Ooh! I would be much obliged 'cos dis is sum automobile. Now what do y'all do man?
Well, honey, I's wiv GM
Yous with GM
Yes'm mam I is the general manager wiv General Motors.
Well I am impressed, says the little lady, and what about you sah, she says to the other dude.
Mam, I is wiv GE.
Yes'm mam, I's de general manager of General Electric.
Well I am impressed, says the little lady.
And who is y'all wiv mam? they ask.
I is with VD, says the little lady.
Is you the general manager? asks the dudes
No sir, I's jist the lil' ole southern distributor.
519-
Ethel and Leah meet at Brent Cross shopping centre and sit down on a bench to chat. After a few minutes have gone by, Ethel suddenly says, "Oy vay, Leah, just look at the face of that poor boy coming towards us. His mouth is so misshapen that it makes his lips stand out. And his chin – what a double chin it is. His eyes look at each other and he’s already loosing his hair."
"That boy you’ve been describing, Ethel, that boy coming towards us, he is none other than mine son Henry," says Leah, with tears in her eyes.
"Oh, is that Henry?" replies Ethel, "on him it looks good."
520-
Isaac has just had a beautiful swimming pool built in his garden in Hampstead Garden Suburb. But his joy is short lived when a council inspector knocks on his door and asks to see the pool.
"Mr. Levy," says the inspector, "we’ve checked our records and we can’t find any evidence that you obtained council approval to build this pool. Is this correct?"
"Yes," answers Isaac, "but I didn’t know I needed permission to build in my own back garden. Is permission really required?"
"Oh yes," replies the inspector, "indeed it’s required. A swimming pool must get official sanction before it’s built. Only if it were an ornamental fish pond, say, would permission not be necessary."
"OK," says Isaac, "what you see in front of you is really an ornamental pond."
"I’m not stupid," says the inspector, "a 40metre long pool such as yours cannot be described as a pond, Mr. Levy."
"But it is a pond," argues Isaac, "indeed it is."
Then the inspector spots a filtration plant at the end of the garden. "So why is there a filter?"
"Because," replies Isaac, "it’s a gefilte fish pond."
521-
The Charva Guide
How to be a charver
Lesson 1: Borrowing A Tab
WITHIN MINUTES of arriving in Newcastle you will encounter the legendary Geordie hospitality, when a complete stranger approaches you with his right hand extended. "Lenz a tab," he'll say.
You have made a pal, and he is suggesting you cement the friendship with the long-term loan of a cigarette. You, in turn, are obliged to lend him one.
This routine will happen every time you venture out in Newcastle. So if you don't smoke, now's a good time to start.
The 'friendliest' types are young lads wearing colourful sportswear and a "nippa" behind their ear, who sound as though they're talking through their left nostril.
When he says "Lenz a tab," you will reply "nee bother, charver." He'll be sure to look out for you in future.
He may have a female with him. She'll also be wearing sportswear, dripping with gold-coloured jewellery. The fringe of her yellow hair will have been carefully sprayed over a coke tin until it's twice the size of her head. She is known as a Kappa Slapper - or "me bewer."
In this case you will offer two cigarettes. And if you're feeling particularly gregarious, add the words "bet she gans like the clappaz." Your wit will be noted.
Now that you understand this easy piece of etiquette, why not try it yourself?
Simply walk up to a stranger in a bar or on a bus, lean close to their face, and say the words:
"Lenz a tab."
Better still, try it on everyone you pass in the street - you'll be surprised at the interesting situations this can lead to.
And you'll know when you've met a true kindred spirit, when they reply "Ah was ganna ask yee."
Lesson 2: Getting Drunk
The twin vices of the Charver are drink and drugs - although the peeve1 I slightly harder to obtain than tack2. This is because charvers are too young to get into pubs, which means hanging around outside the offie until someone can be 'persuaded' to go in and buy their bottles.
So first of all, choose your shop and position yourself by the doorway, but out sight of the owner. If spotted you'll have to nash3, because he'll assume you're on the chaw4.
You could be there for some time, so why not while away the hours with a bit hockling?
All charver's hockle5 - it's as natural as breathing. It also enables them to find their friends, by simply following the trail of phlegm from the shop to the bus shelter, and back.
You should have a decent-sized pool at your feet before some dafty6 agrees to make your purchase.
Charvers have a varied palate, in that they're not fussy what they drink. But most aim to get monged7 for less than three bar8; so it's got to be cheap.
Fortunately, this market is well catered for. Many favour speccy9, a bottle of which will rip your wires out for a couple of bar. Similar tipples include White Lightning, Zodiac and Storm. The names hint at the damage they'll inflict on your brain.
Wine is popular with the Bella10 Boys, who have seen the state of imbecility tramps manage to achieve, on a couple of bottles. Basically, any white wine with a name ending in 'brusco' is considered too nasty for general consumption, and is knocked out to alkies and charvers at around a quid a bottle. Double cush11.
You'll need somewhere to do your drinking, and a bus shelter is just the job.
TRANSLATOR
1 PEEVE Alcoholic. Also, to drink: "I was proper peeved-up."
2 TACK Hashish, usually of a very poor quality
3 NASH To move swiftly: "He proper did a nash when me fatha came home"
4 CHAW To steal
5 HOCKLE Spit
6 DAFTY Thick or gullible person
7 MONGED Off one's head
8 BAR An English pound: "Me fine was only fowty-bar."
9 SPECCY Spectrum cider, cheap and nasty
10 BELLA Bella Brusco, a vile white wine
11 DOUBLE CUSH Very good. Also 'pure cush', or simply 'cush'
12 CRIB Where a charver sleeps: "Am gan yairm to me crib."
Charver Dictionary
alfie To inform an authority about somebody's actions "y' puarly alfied on us"
a'narrrh I know
belta Used for expressing how good something is "that car's puarly belta"
bizzies Police officers
chaw To steal
chiv Knife, or to stab someone
clivva Clever, or healthy. "I'm not feeling ower clivva today."
couple-on Leave a tiny bit on a cigarette
cowie Drug, usually a pill
crib Where a Charver sleeps "Am gan hyem to me crib"
cush Or cushty. Cool
daint South Tyneside charverese, meaning 'don't'
doiler Idiot
eeenaaar Female Charver: "Have y' gorra tab?" "Eeee. Naaar."
fog First
fog-on Polite request to finish someone else's cigarette
friskin' To joke. "I was only friskin' ya man"
geet Very large: "He was a proper geet bloke"
git To exaggerate something. "You're git thick, you"
graft On your way to steal something
greef To be giving someone hassle, to be greef'n someone
heed the baal Lunatic
hew Can be pronounced 'how', used at the end of most sentences
hoisty Stolen car
hoo man Excuse me
hor That lady over there
hotching Stinking
hoy Hey you! "Hoy, man."
hoy To throw. "Hoy it arriz."
hoy To go on the piss. "Am gan on the hoy - y'cummin?"
kappa slappa Female Charver
keep toot Act as a look-out
ken Charver's home
ket Kiddies' confectionery
knaa To know "ya knaa what i just did?"
ladgeful Used for expressing how bad something is. "She's fuckin' ladgeful hor, man"
lowie Money
lush Lovely
maa Mother
mazzies Temazapan, a prescription drug mixed with alcohol which will mong out a Charver
mental, mental, chicken oriental Used as an expression of enthusiasm
meth Calling someone, to be a meth, or methin'
minging Smelly
mint Good/great: "That's mint, man."
mission/mish To be going somewhere, perhaps on the rob
Monday book Child allowance
monged Off one's head, usually due to drink or drugs
mullered Drunk
mortal Very drunk
mug Foolish person, easily led "he's pure mugged out"
narrrh Nasal sound which can mean 'no' or 'know' "A didn't narrrh y'had narrrh tabs"
nash To move swiftly "He proper did a nash when me da turned up"
ned Glaswegian Charver. (Non-educated delinquent)
nee botha No problem
nippa Partly-smoked cigarette, worn behind ear
n'that Etc. Can be used as a full stop at the end of any sentence
numpty Not a very bright person
offie Off license. Place to purchase alcohol, place of worship for charvers
pasty baby Child of a Charver lass, so-called because of all the crumbs and mess around them, from their staple diet
peeve Alcoholic drink. "He was proper peeved-up last neet."
puar From the English word pure. Puar and puarly are used to emphasise something. "It's puarly mint, man"
proper An adjective to be used anywhere in a sentence. "He's a proper radgee"
radgee Can be used as a noun, adjective or verb. Use where, when and as often as you like.
rockies Rockport shoes
scran Food
shan Not very good
sharon The female of the charver species.
skankin Foul-smelling, bad, stinking
skitzy Mental person, or monger
skwark The high pitch vocalisation made by a sharon.
snide Counterfeit or false
snout Cigarette
spacka boot Platform shoe
spark To hit someone
tack Smokeable narcotic of dubious strength
tatie Potatoe, or a stupid person
tickhead Wearer of a Nike baseball cap
TWOC Taken Without Owners Consent, the term used to steal a car
waxa See belta
whitey Temporary illness due to excessive alcohol or tack intake "he proper hoyed a whitey"
why aye, chicken pie Indication of agreement
workid "our kid", but used to greet anyone "y'alreet workid?"
You fancy a certain little radgie - but he can't take his eyes off your fringe? Then let one of these pendants work its magic charms. Made from shiny metal and recently modelled on catwalks and dole queues from Byker to Battle Hill, they'll set last week's love-bites off perfectly - and will soon have your new lad gnawing at your neck.
Bored with last year's finger fashions? It's time to cover those N.U.F.C. and A.C.A.B. tattoos with a few sovereign rings. They make a sophisticated 'ching' when you pick up your bottle of Bella Brusco. And - used properly - they'll take the side of the face off anyone who makes a move on you, your bottle, or your lad. Young mums can invest in their bairn's future. They make classy bracelets for babies aged 0-3 months.
Who wants to stand out from the crowd? You'll only get picked on. The simplest way to look like every other swearing, spitting, Sharon on your estate is to wear hoops - and wear 'em big. Who cares if your ear lobes are hanging lower than your tits by the time you're twenty? Make sure the hoops are big enough to fit over your head - including your fringe - and worry about the permanent disfigurement when you're more grown-up.
Life Studies
NAME: Danielle
AGE: 16
LIVES: With mam and her boyfriend in flat in Elswick
WEARS: Kappa top, Kappa pants and Reebok trainers,
ACCESSORIES: Hair piled up with gold ruffle, several kilos of gold chains around neck, sovereign rings, loads of orange makeup and a tab.
CAR: Boyfriend Darren's Y-reg Fiesta (the 'Shaggin' Wagon')
HOBBIES: Making sure "me fringe" is always perfect, chewing gum (even when eating chips), going to me mates, going nowhere
MUSIC: Happy Hardcore. Hates Indie music
TELLY: Big Breakfast, Home & Away and Emmerdale
FILMS: Action movies 'cos Darren likes them
SPORT: I forge a sick note to get off games at school
FOOD: Chips & gravy from the Chinkies, me mam's dinners, Burger King burgers
HOLIDAYS: Going to Ibiza next year if I get a job
DRINK & DRUGS: Castaway & Diamond White (with a straw), Embassy Regal and some tack if Darren's got any
NAME: Greavesy
AGE: 15
LIVES: With mam and girlfriend Kelly-Marie, on Harms Way, Bensham
WEARS: Nike top (XL), tracky bottoms tucked into white socks, Air Jordan sneeks, checky cloth cap, nippa behind left ear
CAR: Can take owt you want from one
HABITS & HOBBIES: Filling bus shelters with spit and tab-ends, setting pet Staffy on students and Goths, The Toon
MUSIC: Not fussed - them Steps are worth a shag
TELLY: The Bill, Toon on Sky Sports
FILMS: Nah, prefer vids
SPORT: Pool, fighting, The Toon
FOOD: McCain's Micro Chips, instant mash & baked beans, pickled onion crisps
HOLIDAYS: School one (Jan - Dec), occasional day trips to MetroCentre on the thieve
DRINK & DRUGS: Bit of tack, big bottle of Tango (for bong), Bella Brusco with White Lightning, pack of Drum a day
NAME: Tiffany (girl mates call her Tiff, boy mates call here Fanny)
AGE: 20
WORK: Mother and homemaker
LIVES: In council house with daughter Chantelle and boyfriend Wayne. Wayne's other daughter, Tamara, lives with his ex-wife. House has leaded windows, Austrian blinds, outside lights front and back, satellite dish, supermarket trolley and old carpet in garden
DAY WEAR: Naff Naff T-shirt, Sweater Shop cardigan, leggings and flip-flops. A Berghaus coat for when it's less than seventy-degrees
EVENING WEAR: Anything tight and short and easy to get off
CAR: Benwell Taxis
HABITS & HOBBIES: Benson & Hedges, Wrigleys, sitting on dining chair on front step, talking to Sharon next door. Friday nights, Bigg Market
TELEVISION: Anything on Sky
FILMS: Anything on Sky Movie
SPORTS: Toon on Sky Sports, W.W.F.
FOOD: Something from Netto after collecting Chantelle from nursery.
HOLIDAYS: Spain next year with Wayne
DRINK & DRUGS: Bottle of white wine before going out, some tack and a few trebs. Cushty.
522-
An interesting and frightfully accurate piece on the state of modern Britain
LONG READING BUT 100% ACCURATE........
Quality, worth the read ! Including the disclaimer at the bottom..... Frighteningly
accurate description of life in Britain......... Help is not on the way either!
From Barry Beelzebub's Column in the Bristol Evening Post.
I've always been somewhat ambivalent about the National Lottery. It's always struck me as a good way of conning stupid poor people into funding stupid middle class arts projects like that £10,000 upside down dead tree now "growing" in Knowle West, Bristol. (Obviously, us middle classes can't afford such things ourselves - we've been repeatedly mugged by Gordon Brown to the point where prostitution seems the best proposition when it comes to paying the school fees.) But Mrs B is a convert. Every Saturday afternoon, while I'm enjoying port and cigars in a football ground boardroom somewhere in the country, off she goes to wager her pound. Sometimes my man Whittaker will drive her, but if he's busy strangling stoats in the Lower Meadow she'll happily yomp the seven miles or so to the nearest 24-hour ScroteShop, (purveyors of microwave meals and cheap cider to the Giro-wielding classes). Once there, she'll take her place in the lengthy queue amid the slack-jawed, gum-chewing, knuckle-dragging dross of society, the shiny golden coins saved religiously from their crack allowance clutched in their sweaty, tattooed, sovereign ring-encrusted paws. Bear with me. I can feel a digression coming on. Who are these people, these Burberry Apes with their back-to-front baseball caps, their silly technicolour trainers and their boom-boom Vauxhall Astras with the windows down and the volume set at max? From whence did they spring? We didn't have them when I was a lad. Back then, poor people knew their place. They had bread and dripping and coin-operated televisions. They had too many children and a mangle in the back yard. They had vests and chilblains. They had sterilised milk bottles on their kitchen table and torn up newspaper hanging on a hook in their outside toilet. But they knew who they were, and they knew that one day it might be the pools man banging on the front door rather than the tally man. At least they lived in hope, however misplaced it might have been. Our current welfare classes have no idea how to behave. They somehow think that they're as good as the rest of us, the honest working people who fund their indulgent, selfish lifestyles. The male of the species is a feckless, workshy scrote, devoid of responsibility or ambition and drip-fed lager and Lacoste by a frightened government. He will never work. His father (should he be able to identify him from the men in his immediate community who are 14 years older than him) never worked, so why should he? Anyway, having a job means getting up, going to work and following instructions. It requires discipline and a sense of self-respect. Why bother with that when Trisha's on the telly and the bookies opens in half an hour? The female of the species is an even more simplistic specimen. With their bejewelled kebab bellies rising unopposed above their elasticated waistbands, their builders' bottom thongs and their babies with pierced ears, these young women no longer look upon raising a child as a labour of love but as a career opportunity. Kids equal council houses, and benefits, and a lifetime diet of Lambert and Butler and Pot Noodles. And the more the merrier. And if a Friday night fumble with a stranger up a night club back alley, a bag of chips clutched in one hand and a bottle of alcopops in the other, results in yet another pregnancy, then so what? Just don't spill my chips, sweetheart. And what's your name again? And do you know what's really scary? We're on a downward spiral. Think about it. The average couple, with two jobs and a mortgage, can barely afford to feed themselves, never mind finance a pair of expensive offspring. Meanwhile the shell-suit mob are at it like rabbits. Just ask Lizzie Bardsley. Decent society, however you might care to define it, is under siege from a burgeoning underclass that breeds like rats and is gradually taking over by sheer weight of numbers. And while we might sneer at their so-called fashion sense, at least they're readily identifiable as they lurk beer drinking and spitting outside Poundstretcher and Argos. It's now the school holidays, right? And every day, another school burns to the ground. Who do you think is doing it? Henry and George from the fee-paying prep school? Or Dwayne and Wayne from the excluded gang outside the amusement arcade? I think you know the answer. Maybe we should be more proactive. Perhaps we should have a council-funded ScroteCatcher van that goes around picking up no-marks of either sex and forcibly sterilising them. Then we can look at ways of barcoding their existing offspring at birth, perhaps by inserting a microchip condemning them to lifelong expatriation to Wales. Maybe we should be even more radical than that. You know those laboratories where evil scientists routinely scalpel the eyelids off kittens for fun? Let's get them to come up with a kind of Myxomatosis for scrotes. A deadly disease only transmitted through polyester sportswear, microwave chips and tin jewellery. Let's face it. You'd only have to plant the bug on a Post Office counter on a Thursday morning and the problem would be solved. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the Lottery. I think we have established by now that any idiot can win the Lottery. Solicitor or scrote, the fickle finger of fate is indiscriminate in its pointing. You've never seen Nelson Mandela running into the local and buying drinks on the house because he's got the bonus ball, have you? You've never seen Ghandi and Mother Theresa cruising the streets in that new Bentley coupe after coming up trumps on their grandchildren's birthdates, have you?
(Hang on, that doesn't work.) Which brings us, more or less neatly, to a gentleman called Iorworth Hoare. He's Welsh, of course. And he's also a serial rapist who was serving what passes for life these days in relative anonymity until he popped into a ScroteShop while on weekend leave and won £7m on the National Lottery. Cue much wailing and gnashing of teeth from the NuLabour law-making classes, who obviously hadn't thought this one through. Consequently, that nice Mr Blunkett is now coming up with yet another new law - I am led to believe that this will be the 662nd since Mr Blah came to power - to make sure that in future, serving prisoners won't be able to share in Camelot's largesse. Might I make a simpler suggestion? Mr Hoare is a repeat offender who has been in and out of the clink for the past 30 years. Every time they let him go, he tried to rape another poor woman and got banged up again. What on earth was he doing out "on leave" in the first place? He should never, ever have been able to pop in a ScroteShop and buy a Lottery ticket for starters. In fact, if we had a proper legal system in this country, he'd have had his hands cut off after his second offence and wouldn't even have been able to fill out the ticket. Worse than that, following hard on the heels of the wandering Mr Hoare, we learn that another Leyhill "lifer" who absconded last week has been regularly travelling into Bristol to undergo a "work placement" in a city centre office. When he did a runner on Tuesday, police advised the public that he was dangerous and shouldn't be approached. Hang on a minute. This bloke has been working in someone's office for God knows how many months. Did they know he was a nutter? What if someone had entombed his stapler in jelly for a laugh? It doesn't bear thinking of. I am drawn, like a moth to the flame, to the comic possibilities of that nice Mr Blunkett's dalliance with a married woman, the subject of much newspaper coverage in recent days. I mean, what did he see in her? Ah well, love is blind. And anyway, I always thought he was gay. Every time I see pictures of him he's holding some bloke's hand. And for a man alleged to be the Government's most hard-working Minister, whenever he appears on the telly he's out walking his dog. How hard-working is that?
-- Barry Beelzebub
-- The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of anyone who doesn't think that the Alf Roberts memorial fountain is a waste of public money, of anyone who can understand why the Government is publishing a guide to asylum seekers in ... Welsh, or of anyone who didn't spend Sunday morning transfixed in front of the telly watching Sharron Davies' nipples. Chapel hat pegs don't do them justice. Outstanding work, and worth the licence fee on their own.
523-
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in New York to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"
Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" Asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookinga forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa okey-dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductor comea by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta usea da dining car.'
"So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eata biga luncha and start to opena da bottle of nicea vino! Conductor walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka ina disa car. Musta usea da cluba car.' "So, we go to da cluba car.
While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smoka ina disa car. Musta go to smokina car.'
"We go to smokina car and I smokea my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada~boomada and the conductor, he walka through da hall shouting ata da topa hisa voice, 'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'
"Next time, I'ma gonna takea da bus."
524-
Stevie Wonder on his sell out tour of Japan - last stop Tokyo. He's just finished playing his seventies classic Sir Duke.
The crowd is still going wild when a young man at the front says: "You, Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord. Play a Jazz chord." So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff. The Japanese lad says: "No, Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord". So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment. When he's finished the lad shouts: "No, Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord". By now Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done two for you," he says to the fan. "But it best song of Stevie Wonder, it very famous..." comes the reply. "OK, well how does it go then?" enquires the blind musical genius. The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing: ....."A jazz chord ... to say ... a ruv you ...... a jazz chord ... to say how much a cared..."
525-
What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy?
A family reunion.
526-
40 Things Never Said By Southerners
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
527-
What did the redneck do with his his first 50 cent piece?
He married her!
528-
Rivkah wakes up one morning and utters a loud "Oy Vay." She has a nagging pain in her left shoulder. She immediately goes to see her doctor.
After examining her, her doctor says, "Do you own a full length mink coat?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me one for our silver wedding."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, my shoulder has cleared, but I now have a pain in my left index finger."
After examining her, he says, "Do you own a 3 or 4 carat diamond ring?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me a 4 carat ring to celebrate the birth of Moshe, our first grandson."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, my finger is OK but I'm now getting terrible headaches behind my eyes."
After examining her, he says, "Do you own a platinum and diamond tiara?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me one to wear under the chuppah at our Sarah's wedding."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, it’s a miracle. My shoulder feels great, my finger feels great and I'm not getting any further headaches. Thank you very, very much. But I have one question to ask you."
"What is it Rivkah?" asks her doctor.
"Doctor, how do you treat your non Jewish patients?"
529-
Leah and Rose always meet every week at Brent Cross shopping centre and always end up having a light lunch at John Lewis. One day over lunch, Leah says to Rose, "All we ever seem to do is talk about the unimportant things in life. Today, for example, we’ve talked about the rudeness of our local kosher butcher, what the weather’s like in Bournemouth, and our Rabbi’s recent poor sermon. Next time we meet, why don’t we have a serious discussion on world affairs?"
"A good idea," says Rose.
So the following week, while they are waiting for their lunch to arrive, Rose says, "So lets talk already."
Leah says, "OK. What do you think about the situation with Red China?"
Rose replies, "Not much - it won’t go with your green tablecloth."
530-
Sadie is holidaying in Israel and goes to the post office for some stamps for her Chanukah cards. "Can I have 50 Chanukah stamps please?"
"Of course," says the clerk, "what denomination?"
"Oy vay," says Sadie, "has it come to this already? OK, give me 14 liberal, 28 reform and 8 orthodox stamps please."
531-
Abe and his young son Sam are in synagogue one shabbos morning when Sam says, "When I grow up, dad, I want to be a Rabbi."
"That's OK with me, Sam, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," says Sam, "as I have to go to shul on shabbos anyway, I figure it will be more fun to stand up and shout than to sit down and listen."
532-
Issy and Daniel, the well-known anthropologists, were having a discussion. "Daniel, do you think there are any Jewish Eskimos about?"
"I don’t know," replies Daniel, "but why don’t we go see for ourselves?"
Two weeks later they’re in Alaska. As they ask around, they are consistently directed to one particular, very ornate igloo. When they go inside, they find a family of four Eskimos sitting around an ice table munching candles - and they weren’t ordinary candles. From the cardboard boxes on the table, Issy and Daniel could clearly see that they were Yahrtzeit candles.
Surprised by this revelation, Issy turns to the Eskimo father and says, "We’ve noticed the candles - are you Jewish by any chance?"
"No," came the reply, "we just like Jewish food."
533-
Nathan meets his friend Harry in the Edgware Bagel Factory. "I hear that your mother-in-law has sold her house and moved in with you. Is this true Harry?"
"Yes it’s true," replies Harry.
"And I also hear that she’s recently become quite ill," says Nathan.
"Yes it’s true," replies Harry.
"In fact, I hear that she’s so ill that she’s been taken into hospital," says Nathan.
"Yes its true," replies Harry.
"So how long has she been in hospital?" asks Nathan.
"In two days time, please God, it will be 2 weeks," replies Harry.
534-
There once was a young man named Billy Bob. Now, Billy Bob was a normal Southern boy looking for a nice Southern girl to be his wife. One day, at a mud wrestling match, he met beautiful Tammy Jo. They fell in love and got married. To celebrate their marriage they spent their wedding night at a Super 8 motel in their home town. Tammy Jo was very excited. She had bought some nice lingerie and Billy Bob thought she was absolutely breathtaking. As they were getting hot and heavy, Tammy Jo said, "Be gentle with me, I'm a virgin." Billy Bob was totally outraged to hear this revelation. He jumped up, dragged Tammy Jo out of the room, drove to her parents' house and left her crying on the doorstep. Billy Bob immediately went over to his father's house and told him what had just happened. "She said she was a virgin... A VIRGIN!" To which his father replied, "Well son, you done right, as I've always told you, if she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for ours!"
535-
70% of Scousers admit to having a shower........
The other 30% say they haven’t been to prison yet.
536-
Extracts from the problem page of the famous Australian men's magazine
"Cobblers", starring the legendary "Uncle Bruce,"... the " agony aunt with Balls"
Q. Dear Bruce I have some lucky condoms that I keep in my wallet. I am beginning to wonder if they really are lucky as they have been there for two months.
A. Jesus mate, no worries. Men only use rubbers when they are sober anyway. Guess that means you've been pissed for two months which makes you one lucky bastard ! Just on a medical note rubbers are good when you do an Abo as they are smelly bastards, Oh and Roos too, helps avoid bush rash.
Q. Dear Bruce my girlfriend got upset when I suggested I use an old girlfriend's vibrator on her.
A. No worries. I've seen this before. Women need reassuring. Tell the stupid bitch that you have cleaned it since you last used it. Sometimes Sheila's get hung up on hygiene.
Q. Dear Bruce, After my last Hockey game I got an erection in the showers. Is this normal , I am a single guy and like girls.
A. Nah mate you're queer. Only queers play hockey.
Q .Dear Bruce, my wife says I don't use enough lubricant before we have sex.
A. Exactly how many beers are you drinking before you root her?
Q. Dear Bruce , I am beginning to suspect I am gay. I wear leather trousers and have just grown a Freddie Mercury
moustache. I don't know who to Turn to.
A. Get a grip of yourself man. Face facts, be logical: You're queer, no one likes you , get a gun, blow your brains out.
Q. Dear Bruce my girl friend says we don't do enough foreplay.
A. Geez mate, you had me stumped for a bit. I didn't recognise the word Foreplay. Then it struck me, Fore is what you shout in golf.. Jeez guy, men don't play golf with women but it's OK for her practise putting with your dick.
Q. Dear Bruce, I fooled around with a Kiwi and now I have a dose. What do I do ?
A. Deny ,deny, deny, deny, deny and never ever ,ever, ever ,ever admit to going with a kiwi.
Q. Bruce the boys are telling me there is such a thing as Dingo sex. What is it ?
A. You wake up next to an ugly Sheila and you chew your arm off to escape rather than wake her, just like a dingo caught in a trap.
537-
Shlomo, who was regarded as one of the best paid insurance salesman around, was talking to a prospect. "How much life insurance do you have?"
"£15,000." came the reply.
"So," said Shlomo, "how long do you think you can stay dead on that kind of gelt?"
538-
Jewish sayings
1. Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
2. Before you read the menu, read the prices. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it.
3. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
4. No meal is complete without leftovers.
5. Jewish dietary law says pork may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
6. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
7. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
8. Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your daughter is marrying out.
9. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
10. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
11. Never take a front row seat at a bris.
12. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
13. Always whisper the names of diseases.
14. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
15. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
539-
As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain that they were very thirsty after walking so far. They couldn’t even drink from the walls of water on either side of them because they were made up of salt-water.
Whilst Moses was looking around for some fresh water, a fish from the wall of water told him that he and his friends were willing to help. They would use their gills to remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a freshwater fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.
Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer with gratitude, but the fish said there was a condition. The children of Israel and their descendants always had to be present at the Seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story.
When Moses agreed to this, he gave the fish their name, which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"
540-
The Top Jewish Country & Western Songs
Ever Since My Circumcision, My Baby's Been Short With Me
Four Thousand Years of Sufferin' and I Had to Marry You
Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights
I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart
I Got the Guilt, You Got the Gelt (I Went and Cut Another Notch in My Belt)
I Lost My Goil to a Mohel (And Now I'm All Cut Up)
I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)
I'm Dancin' the Hora Alone
I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?
I've Starved and I've Suffered and I've Parted the Sea, Just to Find That Your Bush Wasn't Burnin' For Me
Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Gentiles
Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweat Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)
My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt
My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight
My Woman Gave Me Crabs, and That Ain't Kosher
New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament
Stand by Your Mensch
That Shiksa Done Made Off with My Heart Like a Goniff
The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'
The Shiksa's Gonna Hit the Fan
This Bris! This Bris!! Unchoppable!
Why Don't We Get Drunk? - We're Jews
You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin
You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town
Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes
541-
Q: How do you stop a Jewish girl being sexually active?
A: Marry her!
542
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were both Jewish, do you know what Cheetah would be?
A: A fur coat.
543-
Q: Who was it who asked a Jewish Princess seven times to get married?
A: Her mother
544-
Rabbi Levy is addressing the ‘Enlighten Your Daughter’ meeting of the synagogue women’s guild. "Ladies," he says, "I’m sure some of you know by now that the unfortunate Jonathan Bloom has been sent to prison for making love to his wife Sadie’s dead body."
A number of ‘Oy Vays’ are heard from the ladies present.
"You might also be interested to know," the Rabbi goes on to say, "that I spoke to Jonathan yesterday and I now firmly believe that his actions were entirely innocent and accidental. So although we are all feeling sorry for Jonathan, there is a lesson to be learned. Ladies, go back home to your daughters and tell them that when making love with a good Jewish husband, they should please make a little wiggle."
545-
Would a Jewish mother say such things?
"If you’re good, I’ll buy you a motorbike for your birthday."
"Of course it’s OK to walk to school. There are only 3 main roads to cross."
"Get closer to the screen. How can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"There’s no need to wear a jacket tonight, it's not that cold out."
"Could you turn the music up a bit louder, please, so I can enjoy it too?"
"Run and bring me the scissors darling. And hurry up."
"I don't have a tissue with me. Why don’t you just use your sleeve."
"Well, if Sam’s mother says it's OK, then that's good enough for me."
"If your wife wants you to move overseas to live near her family, it's OK with me, darling."
"You really don't have to call me every week. I know how busy you are."
"Just live with him, you don't have to marry him."
"Mother's day, Schmother's day, just go to the cinema and enjoy yourselves."
"You’re really so lucky to have your in-laws. They’re very nice people."
"Let me smell your shirt - OK, it’s good for at least another week."
"Could you leave the lights on please - it makes the house more cheerful."
546-
Howard is visiting his prospective in-laws for the first time. As soon as he arrives, the father asks him, "Young man, can you support a family?"
Howard is surprised by this question and replies, "Well sir, to be truthful, I can’t. But I’m only planning to support your daughter - the rest of you will have to do whatever you can without my help."
547-
Leah walks into a pet shop in Golders Green and says to Hymie, the owner, "I want to buy a canary."
"We have many types," says Hymie, "is there any particular one you’re after?"
"Yes," replies Leah, "its got to be a very good singer. I'm prepared to pay good gelt for a great singing bird."
"Lady, I’ve got the very one," says Hymie, "I’ve been in this business for a long time and this bird has the best singing voice I’ve ever heard. We don’t call it ‘Pavarotti’ for nothing. I’ll get it for you."
As he begins to climb a ladder to reach a small cage on the top shelf, Leah says, "I hope you’re not wasting your time. Just because you're climbing a ladder like a monkey won’t make me feel obliged to buy this canary if it’s not a real singing canary."
Hymie brings down the cage, places it on the shop counter and says to Leah, "Just you listen."
With that, the bird begins singing one beautiful song after another. Pleasantly surprised, Leah murmurs, "What mazel - this canary really can sing."
But then, a few seconds later, Leah shouts out, "Oy Vay, this canary’s only got one leg. Are you trying to cheat me, or what?"
Hymie calmly looks at Leah and replies, "Lady, do you want a singer or a dancer?"
548-
DOES IT MAKE YOU PROUD?
3 Brits die each year testing a 9 volt battery to see if it works, on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 through watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that the Christmas decorations on the tree were chocolate.
British hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker-pulling accidents.
101 Brits have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet since 1999.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 by trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A & E in the last 2 years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
AND FINALLY...
In 2000, 8 Brits cracked their skulls whilst throwing up in the toilet.
RULE BRITANNIA!!!!
549-
Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed in bed thinking about my dream until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"
The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and some coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"
550-
Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy. He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight Spurs are in the European Cup quarter finals. Rabbi, I'm a life long Spurs fan. I've got to watch the Spurs game on TV."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for."
Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?"
551-
Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon High Street.
Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but he thinks she may have a disease called herpes."
Golda says, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement - it's time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," says Golda, "I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you."
So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."
552-
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says, "You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says, "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five sessions a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
553-
Two Jewish guys walking down the street when a very attractive girl passes by.
Hymie turns to Ben and says “I’d lend her one”
554-
Lionel is a well-educated bachelor who feels ready to marry and settle down. But he’s shy and finds it difficult to meet women. So he’s developed a great love of classical music and spends much of his spare time going to concerts.
Meanwhile, Lionel’s parents have been searching for a suitable shiddach (arranged marriage partner) for him. Then one day, to their great relief, two potential candidates come onto the scene at the same time (just like London buses). After talking to the two young ladies, his father has a word with Lionel.
"Lionel, I think I may have found you a wife. I have been in touch with two very acceptable, but quite different girls for you to choose from and both say they are ready to marry. Let me show you their photos."
The first photo is of a beautiful woman. "Rebecca," says his father, "informs me that she has a talent for cooking great kosher food – her matzo-ball soup is supposed to be superb. She also keeps fit with aerobics and Israeli dancing. But she left school at 15 and admits to having no talent whatsoever for music."
He then shows Lionel a photo of an ugly woman. She has what looks like a moustache on her top lip, her neck is as thick as a wrestler’s neck, she has cross-eyes, her nose is crooked and her lips are almost non-existent.
"Now Sadie," says his father, "might not be great looking but she comes from a fine, noble family, has a first class degree from Oxford University and has a wonderful operatic voice. She’ll be famous one day - she showed me a Poster of a concert she’s giving soon at the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden."
Lionel studies the two photos. Although Rebecca is gorgeous, his keen love of music wins him over and he chooses Sadie. Within weeks, they marry.
On the first morning of their honeymoon, Lionel awakes before Sadie. He takes one look at that face staring up at him from their pillow, shakes Sadie and cries out, "Sadie, for goodness sake, sing a little something."
555-
Moshe is strolling down Oxford Street one afternoon when he sees a beggar sitting on the pavement outside John Lewis department store with a placard around his neck saying, in Yiddish,
"PLEASE CAN YOU HELP A POOR MAN"
Moshe notices that the beggar is always smiling and whenever passers-by put money in his hat, the beggar thanks them personally. So Moshe goes over to the beggar and puts a £5 note in his hat.
"Why thank you very much sir," says the beggar, "you are very generous."
"Tell me," asks Moshe, "don’t you have a family?"
"Oh yes," replies the beggar, "I have a lovely family."
"Do you have any children?" asks Moshe.
"I have two handsome boys and two beautiful girls," replies the beggar, "and all four are very happily married."
"Well I think it’s disgraceful that they won’t support you," says Moshe.
"But they would support me if I let them," says the beggar.
"So why don’t you let them?" asks Moshe.
"What, and lose my hard won independence?" replies the beggar.
556-
Emanuel the mohel comes home early in a nervous state. His hands are shaking violently. He has just performed a circumcision on an elderly man and although it went well he is worried that one day it just might happen that things could really go wrong. He now thinks he should take out some professional insurance and calls Monty, who is an insurance broker.
"Monty," says Emanuel, "I need some malpractice cover designed for mohels."
"This I've never heard before," says Monty, "but give me a day to investigate."
Next day, Monty calls back, "Do you want the good news or the bad news?"
"So give me the good news first," says Emanuel.
"No regular insurance company will offer you such insurance. But Lloyds of London will insure you for up to £1M at a premium of £500 per year."
"Nu, and the bad news?" asks Emanuel.
"There's a two inch deductible."
557-
A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have? " The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."
558-
It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by an Irish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by an English inventor who put a hole in the seat.
559-
A Greek and Italian one day were debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians."
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."
So on and so on and then the Greek says, "We invented sex."
The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
560-
Q: What’s the difference between Italians and toast?
A: You can make soldiers out of toast
561-
Patrick, who was holidaying from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato . Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in front!"
562-
Irish man was having sex with a
Jewish gal.
"You're not very tight for a Jewish gal" says the Irishman.
"You're not very thick for an Irish man" comes the reply.
563-
Bobby Ray and Susie Jane were fooling around out in the cornfield when Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I am getting so horny, you just have to let me have some." Susie Jane said, "Well, maybe I will, but it is going to cost you a quarter." Bobby Ray dug down in his pocket and said, "Susie Jane, I only got ten cents, and you just have to let me do it for ten cents." Susie Jane said, "Ain't no way I am goin to do it for no ten cents, I said a quarter."
Bobby Ray said, "I tell you what Susie Jane, how about you just give me ten cents worth?" Susie Jane said, "You must think I be crazy, cause you know you won't stop when I say you got ten cents worth.
Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I promise, I promise I will stop when you say I got ten cents worth." So they get down between two rows of corn and start going at it. After about a minute, Susie Jane said, "Bobby Ray, BOBBY RAY" and he said, "Oh Susie Jane, now don't tell me I have got ten cents worth already", and she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your left side? And Bobby Ray said, "Uhuh." And she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your right side?" Bobby Ray said, "Uhuh."
Susie May said, "BOBBY RAY, you better grab ahold of those two big cornstalks, cause I'm a fixin to loan you fifteen cents".
564-
Maurice is in hospital and knows he is dying. As he lays in bed in his private room, struggling to breathe, his family and children around him, he starts to talk very quietly.
"Freda," he whispers.
"Yes dear, what is it?" Freda says.
"I want you should know something before I die. Harry the butcher owes me £100, Levine the pharmacist owes me £400, and our next door neighbour Moishe owes me £600 and the return of my lawnmower. Don’t let them off, will you?"
"Of course I won’t, darling," Freda replies.
Freda turns to her children and says, "Oy, what a wonderful man your father is. Let this be a lesson to you all - even though he’s dying, he still knows who owes him money. What a mensh he is."
Then Maurice then finds some strength to say a bit more. "Freda, I want you also to know that I still owe Bernard, my cousin, £1,700 of the £5,000 he lent me 3 years ago."
"Oy veh," cries Freda, "it’s nearly the end for my Maurice – he’s getting delirious."
565-
Q: How do Jewish wives prepare their children for supper?
A: They put them in the car.
566-
Max is having a cup of tea in his best friend Morris’s house. Morris was commenting on the time and the fact that his wife had not yet returned home from her shopping.
“Beckie’s two hours late, Max.”
“She’s probably been kidnapped or she’s been involved in a terrible car crash,” replies Max, “or maybe she’s still shopping.”
“Oy Vay!” says Morris, “I hope she’s not shopping!”
567-
Sam meets his friend Moshe in Brent Cross shopping centre. "Hi Moshe, I haven’t seen you for some months. So nu? How is the Company doing that you set up with Maurice last year?"
"Well, as I told you then, I put up the money and Maurice put in his business knowledge. But things have changed a bit since then."
"What do you mean?" Sam asks.
"Now Maurice has the money and I have the business experience."
568-
The mistress of an English manor had just hired a new house maid, an Irish lass, straight out of the country.
The first day she was dusting in the Smoking room where the Master of the house sat reading. On the mantel, she saw and dusted a small bowl containing a couple of small round white balls. She, being curious and not bashful, asked, "What are these?"
He looked up, saw where she was pointing, and answered, "Golf balls."
She said, "OH!", and went on dusting.
A few days later, she was dusting again in the same room, where the master was again reading. Again, in the same bowl were small white balls, only now there were four. She said, "I see you shot another Golf."
569-
France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." --Norman Schwartzkopf
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." ---- Marge Simpson
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."---Rush Limbaugh,
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."--- Regis Philbin
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." --- P. J O'Rourke (1989)
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."---John McCain, U. S. Senator from Arizona
"I don't know why people were surprised that France wouldn't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"---Jay Leno
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."--David Letterman
How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
570-
During the 1950's, a pair of British brothers were riding across Europe in a sleeping compartment on a train.
One of the brothers was extremely hard of hearing, so when there was a knock on the door, the other brother answered. Standing there was a very proper gentleman, all dressed in white, including a bowler hat, shoes and spats.
"How may I help you?", inquired the brother.
"Well, it seems they have over-booked the compartments, and I was wondering if you might be good enough to share yours."
"WHAT?", said the hearing impaired brother.
"HE WANTS TO SHARE OUR COMPARTMENT!!"
"Oh, jolly good, jolly good." The conversation between them continued, and the
brother said, "Might I ask what you do for a living?"
"Of course," replied the gentleman. "I've just retired from 25 years in Her Majesty's Service."
"WHAT?"
"HE'S JUST RETIRED FROM HER MAJESTY'S SERVICE!"
"Oh, jolly good, jolly good."
'How interesting! Where did you serve, if you don't mind my asking?"
The gentleman replied, "Most of the time, I was stationed in Calcutta, India."
"Really!", said the brother. "You didn't happen to know a Millicent Cholmondely-Smith, did you?"
The gentleman smiled and said, "Ah, Millicent! Best piece of ass and blow job I ever had!"
"WHAT?"
"HE SAYS HE KNOWS MOTHER!!"
571-
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob said; "Ya' know sumthin', Luther, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation, only this time I'm gonna' do it little different. Last few years," he said: "ahh took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Earline got pregnant agin. Last year you suggested Tahiti and durned if Earline didn't get pregnant yet agin. "I ain't gonna do THAT agin." Luther asked Billy Bob: "So, what you gonna' do this year that's different?" Billy Bob replied: "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
572-
Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"
Redneck Woman: "Fo'."
Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"
Redneck Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?"
Redneck Woman: "Because we didn't want any Mo'."
573-
A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, naked. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first, from Canada, says: 'My answer is, there IS no answer.' The second, from New Zealand, says: 'My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.' The third one from Australia says: 'I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.' The Australian got the job.
574-
Chav Test ~ (If you score more than 5
yeses there’s no hope for you)
Have any friends or family members been pregnant under the age of 20?
Do you know the location of your local JD Sports store?
Do you own more trainers then normal shoes?
Have you ever bought / worn any of these labels? Hackett, Ben Sherman, Kappa, Nickelson?
Have you ever referred to your home as your 'Gaff' 'Drum' 'Yard' ?
Do you think David Beckham is a leading male style icon?
Have you ever bought Super Kings?
Do any of your friends or family own a Staffordshire Bull Terrier?
Have you ever had a fight with a cab driver?
Have you ever worn hoop earrings?
Do you think Starbucks coffees are too expensive?
Have you ever thrown up in the street?
Have you ever vandalised a phone booth?
Have you ever referred to your friends as your 'crew' or your' massive'
Do you know who Mike Skinner is?
Have you ever had a pay as you go gas or electricity meter?
Have you ever lived above the fourth floor?
Do you use external Christmas decorations?
Did you think the Fast and Furious deserved an Oscar Nomination?
Have you ever visited a friend or family member in jail?
Do you know a drug dealer?
Are tinted windows cool?
Have you ever bought 'economy' brand at Sainsbury's?
Do you listen to Drum n Bass?
Have you ever purchased jewellery at H.Samuel?
Have you ever been to, Falaraki, Magaluf or Benidorm?
Do you know anyone from Hastings or Croydon?
Do you enjoy theme parks and fun fairs?
Have you ever had a full English Breakfast abroad?
Are any of your friends of family receiving a benefit?
Have any of your friends or family been buried by Co-op Funeral Directors?
Did you know the capital of Australia is Sydney?
Have you ever been to Chelsea Football Club?
Do you own a gold chain, sovereign ring or Burberry Cap?
Have you ever shopped at Bluewater?
Are you scared of your neighbours
Would you consider buying any of these cars? Vauxhall Corsa, Ford Fiesta, Impreza, Fiat Punto?
Dio you read Max Power, The Daily Star, Heat or the Sun?
Do you ever wear a tracksuit when you have no intention of playing sport?
Have you ever been escorted from a shopping centre / pub?
Do you know know the term 'Croydon Face Lift'
Have you ever ordered Ham Egg and Chips at a restaurant?
Do you understand text abbreviations (ie, l8r - later, wiv - with, da - the, b4 - before)
Have you ever seen / been involved in a fight at a wedding?
Have you ever drank Lager before midday?
Would you consider a honeymoon in Teneriffe?
575-
These are "Personal Ads" in the Dublin (Ireland) News.
And who said all the good ones were taken ?
----------------------------------------------------
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
------------------------------------------------------
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
------------------------------------------------------
Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few pints, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
------------------------------------------------------
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive
21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
------------------------------------------------------
Devil-worshiper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
-----------------------------------------------------
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
-----------------------------------------------------
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
576-
The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-room mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)---an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff ... A Prostitute Dad, ... sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant!!! Come here and give your old man a hug."
577-
Why do Jewish American princesses wear gold plated diaphragms?
They like men who come into money
578-
Two Irish mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first Irish mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."
579-
Morris Greenbaum phones his wife to tell her he has just been bumped by a car in the shopping centre car park.
"Get straight over to that lovely young Doctor Silverman and let him examine you"
When he gets home Ruth is all of a panic. "So! tell me what did the doctor say?'
"He says I've got a flucky" says Morris.
"Oy! what are we going to do" says Ruth, "I know, I'll ring Rebecca, she knows about these things." 'Mine Morris got bumped by a car and that lovely young Dr. Silverman tells him he's got a flucky, what should I do?"
"In the old country when anyone got a flucky, cold, plenty of cold, the more cold the better and lots of cold drinks"
Her sister Mary is with her and hears this. "For a flucky you never give cold, it has to be warmth, better you should give warm and lots of hot, sweet lemon tea, in the old country for a flucky you always gave warmth"
Cold, Heat, Oy! now thoroughly agitated Ruth decides she must speak to the lovely Dr. Silverman herself. "Doctor, you saw mine Morris this morning after he got bumped by the car, can you tell me exactly what is wrong with him?"
"Like I told him Mrs Greenbaum, nothing's wrong, he got off lucky"
580-
Moshe’s business was struggling. So he was very dismayed to receive this letter from his supplier
Dear Moshe, We regret that we won’t be able to fill your recent order for 3,000 men’s dark brown suits until full payment has been received for your last order. Please advise.
Moshe wrote back
Dear supplier, Please cancel my recent order for 3,000 men’s dark brown suits. I cannot wait that long.
581-
Miriam had a problem with her young son Ben - he went into a total panic every time she served up the family’s favourite dish of kreplach. Every effort she and her husband made to explain to Ben how nice kreplach tasted failed miserably. So she took Ben to see doctor Lewis, an eminent psychiatrist.
Doctor Lewis listened to the problem, then said, "I think this situation is easy to resolve. All you have done so far is talk – you’ve told Ben how nice kreplach are but you haven’t yet shown him how nice they are. So take him home and let him watch you prepare the kreplach. First of all, let him see the ingredients that go inside a kreplach. Then show him how a kreplach is made. Once he sees there’s nothing to be scared of, he will grow to like them."
When they returned home, Miriam followed doctor Lewis’s advice. She took Ben into her kitchen and sat him down to watch her prepare a kreplach. She put in front of him a small mound of dough and a plate of chopped meat she had prepared earlier. "See Ben," she said, "is there anything here to be worried about?"
"No mum," smiled Ben.
Miriam then put some minced meat in the centre of the dough and folded over one corner. She looked at Ben and saw he was still smiling. ‘Maybe this will actually work,’ she thought.
She folded over the second corner (Ben was still smiling) and then the third. All was going better than she had dared hope. Then she folded over the last corner – and immediately Ben started to get into a state and shouted, "Oy veh, kreplach."
582-
Moshe goes to Heathrow Airport to fly to New York. While he is waiting for his flight, he notices a lady sitting nearby crying. So he goes over and asks her if anything was wrong.
She says, "My son John moved to New York some months ago and I haven't heard from him since. I’m so worried. Even though we’re Jewish, he’s never called or written to me. So I come here from time to time because he left from this airport and I feel closer to him here than anywhere else."
As they talk, the lady asks, "Would you by any chance be going to New York?"
Moshe replies, "Well, as a matter of fact I am."
She says, "Oh would you please find my son and ask him to call me? His name is John Dun, spelled with one N."
Moshe replies, "I don't think it’s possible to find one man in New York."
She says, "Oh, please try. It would mean so much to me. I miss him so very much."
After much pleading, Moshe finally agrees to do his best.
All the way to New York, he wonders, "How can I ever find her son?" When the plane lands, he takes a cab to his hotel. As the cab nears his hotel, Moshe sees on the side of one of the sky scrapers ‘DUN AND BRADSTREET’ so he says to himself, "This might be easier than I thought."
Later that day, after unpacking, he goes into the D&B building, walks up to the receptionist and asks, "Do you have a John here?"
She replies, "Yes. Down this hall to the right and it’s the third door on the left."
He thanks her and goes looking for the door she pointed out. He finds it and goes in. Just as he walks into the room, there is a man there, drying his hands. Moshe says to him, "Are you Dun?"
The man replies, "Yes."
Moshe says, "Call your mother."
583-
Benny is on holiday in Israel and goes to a concert at the Minkovsky Auditorium. When he gets to his seat, he looks around and is very impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.
After the concert is over, Benny asks one of the officials, "I was wondering whether this magnificent auditorium is named after Dovid Minkovsky, the famous biblical scholar?"
"No," replies the official, "It’s named after Harry Minkovsky, the writer."
"I’ve never heard of him," says Benny, "what did he write?"
"A cheque," replies the official.
584-
Daniel is walking down Golders Green High Road when he sees in the distance his old friend Victor sitting outside Bank Leumi. Daniel hasn’t seen Victor for many years and so is looking forward to meeting him again. As Daniel comes up to Victor, he is surprised to see that Victor is not just sitting there doing nothing – he’s actually selling shmaltz herrings from a barrel - and he appears to be doing good business. Daniel goes up to Victor and within seconds they are both hugging each other.
Daniel asks, "So how are you getting on in London, Victor?"
"I’m OK," replies Victor, "I’m making a living."
"Well then," says Daniel, "maybe you could lend me £20. I’m not doing so well these days."
"I’m sorry," replies Victor, "I just can’t do that. It’s not allowed."
"What do you mean it’s not allowed?" asks Daniel.
"Well, in order to get Bank Leumi to allow me this pitch outside their bank, I made a deal with them. They promised not to sell shmaltz herring and I promised not to lend money."
585-
IRISH PERSONAL ADS
1 ~ Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
2 ~ Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
3 ~ Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few pints, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
4 ~ Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
5 ~ Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
6 ~ Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
7 ~ Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
586-
This Jewish guy pays a visit to the local whorehouse. He's too cheap to buy a rubber, so instead he wraps the label from his coat around his dick. Needless to say, this falls off while fucking, but he never notices. Later the same day an Irishman purchases the services of the same girl, and just as he's about ready to come he notices something fall out of her cunt. Picking it up, he reads: Rothstein & Lieberman, Tailors. "Jesus Christ," he says, "where will those Jews advertise next?"
587-
A Maori family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Hapu facilities were completely full so they have to put him in a Presbyterian home.
After a few weeks in the Presbyterian residential care facility, they come to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's bloody marvellous! Everyone here is so kind and respectful," says Grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," Grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! And there's a physician here.... 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for
25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!
And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me "the fucking Maori!"
588-
The Supreme Court of Florida has instructed me to post the following to ensure strict balance in these turbulent times.
DECLARATION OF ANNEXATION OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AS PART OF THE USA
To the imperialist British colonizers.
In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. And as for Lye-cester... You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".
2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.
3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.
4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.
5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.
6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.
7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".
8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".
9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.
10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.
11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children with surnames or after interesting medical conditions.
12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so, i. e. they plan to gun down the entire population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).
13. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.
PS: Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.
Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.
589-
A Tennessee ! State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-40. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?
590-
Have you ever wandered what the Kiwis are saying?
BETTING: "Betting Gloves" are worn by betsmen in crucket.
BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the "nick" and the "billy"
BUGGER: As in "mine is bugger than yours".
CHULLY BUN: Also known as an Esky
DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy.
ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like "Surria", "E-Jupp" and "Libernon".
EKKA DYMOCKS: University staff
GUESS: Flammable vapour used in stoves.
SENDLES: Thongs, open shoes
COLOUR: Terminator , murderer.
CUSS: Kiss
DUCK HID: Term of abuse directed mainly at males.
PHAR LAP: NZ's famous horse which was actually christened "PHILLIP".
ERROR ROUTE: As in "Arnotts mulk error route buskets".
FITTER CHENEY: A type of long flat pasta not to be confused with "rugger tony"
591-
A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland, decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days. Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?" "Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock." "Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts." "Aye, I know that." "And being Jewish, you must be circumcised." "Aye I am that" Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us." "Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!"
592-
More Kiwi Dialect
Milburn -Melbourne. capital of Victoria
Peck -Pack. to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside -Pesticide chemical which kills insects
Pigs -Pegs for hanging out washing with
Pump -Pimp to act as agent for prostitute
Pug -Pig large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough -Nintendo. computer game
Munner stroney -Minestronie. soup
Min -Men. male of the species
Mess Kara -Mascara eye makeup
McKennock -Machanic. person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather -Lather foam produced from soap
Lift -Left. departed
Kiri Pecker -Kerry Packer. famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess -Gas. vapour
Fush -Fish. marine creatures
Fitter cheney -Fetticini. type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear -Fair hair. blonde
Ear -Air mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks -Aerobics. exercise at the gym
Duffy cult -Difficult. not easy
Amejen - Imagine. visualise
Day old chuck -Chick, very young poultry
Bug hut -Big Hit. popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard -Bed a place to sleep
Sucks Peck -Six Pack. Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland -Air New Zealand. an extinct airline
Beers -Bears. large savage animals found in U. S. forests
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze -Windows. well known computer program
Brudge -Bridge. structure spanning a stream
Sex -Six. one less than sivven
Tin - Ten. one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Exactly. Precisely
Earplane -Aeroplane. large flying machine
Beggage Chucken -Baggage checkin. place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven -Seven Six Seven. large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds -Kids. children
Pits - Pets. domestic animals
Cuttin -Kitten. baby cat
Munce -Mince. usually served on toast
593-
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves. A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves. The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"
594-
An Aussie went into an empty bar in New Zealand and ordered a beer. As he was walking around, he saw a table about 6' x 4' with some lines marked 6"-10" from one edge. Next to each line there are initials.
The man asked the bartender, "What are all those marks on that table?"
"It's a game the locals play, they pull out their dicks, stretch them a far as they can and mark a line." Our Aussie hero was hung like a horse and reckoned he can beat all the lines he'd seen and asked if he could have a go. "Sure," was the reply.
As he pulled out his dick, a clear winner by about 3". He started to mark his line down when the bartender said, "No mate, us Kiwis start from the other side!"
595-
Redneck Sexual IQ Test
1. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
2. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
3. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False
4. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
5. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
6. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
7. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
8. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
9. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
10. Fetus is a character on Gun smoke. True or False
11. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False
12. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
13. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
14. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
15. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
16. Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
17. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
596-
Young Zeke was on his way home from the market when he saw a girl from the next farm and offered her a ride.
Pretty soon, they came to a clump of trees, and she asked him to stop.
Seeing that he was bashful, she took his face in her hands and kissed him. Then she asked, "Do you want to go a little farther?"
He said, "Yep, Get up Betsy.
"So they rode a little farther, and she asked him to pull up at another shady spot. Then she took one of his hands and placed it inside her bosom and his other hand on her thigh, and asked. "Do you want to go a little farther?"
Again he said, "Yep get up Betsy.
" So, when they stopped at the third bushy place, she reached over and opened his fly and took his pecker out. She spread herself before him and asked, "Now do you want me to put it in for you?"
He replied, "Yep. My paw would kill me if I came home with it hanging out."
597-
What's the Greek army motto?
"Never leave your buddy's behind."
598-
New Jewish Words:
1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that ones favourite celebrity is Jewish.
2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember ones lines when called to read from the Torah at ones Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
3. SANTA-SHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbours celebrate Christmas.
4. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
5. BUBBEGUM n. Candy ones mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
6. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a. m. so she can change the baby's diaper.
7. DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.
8. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
9. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.
10. HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after ones Bar Mitzvah.
11. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking ones way out of a tight spot.
12. MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
13. MEINSTEIN - slang. "My son, the genius."
14. MISHPOCHADOTS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on ones face and collar after kissing all ones aunts and cousins at a reception.
15. RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbours live in the same condo building as you.
16. ROSH HASHANA-NA-NA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
17. YIDENTIFY v. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.
18. MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.
19. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
20. DIS-KVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.
21. IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
22. KINDERS SHLEP v. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
23. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out ones wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
24. SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
25. TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork
599-
Avrahom’s son Howard was at Cambridge University and Avrahom was worried that Howard might quickly forget that he was Jewish. As Yom Kippur was coming, Avrahom sent Howard the following text message: -
HI HOWARD. YOM KIPPUR STARTS ON TUESDAY
Howard sent the following reply: -
THANKS FOR THE TIP. PUT ME DOWN FOR £70 ON IT TO WIN
600-
Sadie was divorcing her husband Moshe. After two months of waiting, her case was finally being heard in Court. The judge asked Sadie, "So how old are you?"
"I’m 40 years old, your Honour."
The judge replied, "Please answer my question honestly. How old are you?"
"I’m 40 years old, your Honour," answered Sadie again.
"Well," said the judge, "you’re not being truthful. It’s written down here that you were born in August 1940 and that means you’re over 60."
"But your Honour," replied Sadie, "I’m not counting the last 20 years with my husband."
"Why not?" asked the judge.
"You call that living?" replied Sadie.
601-
Miriam, an elderly lady, is on her way to Brent Cross shopping centre when she hears some music coming from close by. She crosses over the road and there standing on the corner is a busker playing a violin. So she joins the small crowd listening to the music. Suddenly, a flasher comes up to the crowd, opens his coat and bares his ‘all’. With a totally straight face, Miriam turns to the busker and says, "How much do you want for playing, 'Button Up Your Overcoat?’"
602-
The gentile asks, "Why is it religious Jews circumcise their boys eight days after birth?"
Rabbi Cohen replies, "They are pleased that the kid is getting twenty percent off already! "
603-
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al" were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al: "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?" Al replied: "I don't know, let's ask the waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him: "Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said: "I don't know Senor, I'll go ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said: "No sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked: "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realising he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer: "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen. While the waiter was away, Sid said: "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said: "Senor, the head cook says 'No Mexican Jews'"
"Are you certain?" Al asked once again: "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE!" replied the exasperated waiter: "we have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews...!"
604-
A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold.
But the husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray:
"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..." Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill and lands at his feet!
"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.
"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires.
"No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message...
As I ran home, I kept hearing Him yell, ' THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!'
605-
Definitive Guide to Aussies
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether its the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. Its not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.
15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, its not worth fixing.
16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
17. Its considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
18. The phrase "w'eve got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the hosts beer.
(Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
20. If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you dont need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just
don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motels pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
27. The chief test of manhood is ones ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".
29. There comes a time in every Australians life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.
30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER!
It also doesn't have the bit about the true test for immigration to Australia. They give potential new Aussies the following test: Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB while watching the cricket. If you can't pass that chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie.
606-
A Pakistani arrives in New York City. All excited, he stops the first person he meets. "Good day, Mr. American, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and... "
The person interrupts and says: "I am not American, I'm Mexican."
The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by: "Thank you Mr. American for to let my family and me stay here..."Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence: "I no be American, I be Turk!"
The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by: "Mr. American, me thank you for hospitality you give...""But my friend, don't you see that I am black? I am African, not American."
"But", answers the Pakistani distressed, "Then, where are the Americans?"
The African looks at his watch and says: "Oh, they all have to work so we can be here. They don't get off 'til five o'clock!"
607-
Survivor - Southern Style
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern tv stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor: Southern Style."
The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana. Finally ending up back over in Alabama.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read:
I'm Gay,
I'm a Vegetarian,
NASCAR Sucks,
Go Yankees!
Smoking is for Idiots,
Hillary in 2008,
Deer Hunting is Murder
and I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!
The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.
608-
Sharon tells her best friend Ruth, "I’ve broken off my engagement to Moshe."
"Oh Sharon," says Ruth, "I’m so sorry. Why?"
"Because my feelings towards Moshe have changed – they just aren’t the same anymore," replies Sharon.
"So tell me," whispers Ruth, "are you giving him back the engagement ring?"
"No I’m not," replies Sharon, "my feelings towards the ring haven’t changed."
609-
Rabbi Levy is walking home from shul one shabbes when he sees Issy in front of him. Issy is a learned and respected man who can hold his own with the rabbi on tulmudic discussions. As Rabbi Levy tries to catch up with Issy, he is shocked to see him go into ‘The Chinese Crab’ restaurant. As he looks through the window, Rabbi Levy sees Issy giving his order to a waiter and a short time later sees the food arrive – a plate of shrimps, lobsters and crabs. As Issy picks up the chopsticks and starts to eat, Rabbi Levy bursts into the restaurant and confronts Issy.
"Issy, just what do you think you are doing coming into this restaurant and ordering this treif (non kosher food)? You are not only violating everything we are taught about the dietary laws, but you also seem to be enjoying this food."
"Rabbi," says Issy, "did you see me enter this establishment?"
"Yes."
"And did you see me order this food?"
"Yes."
"And did you see the waiter bring the food to me?"
"Yes."
"And did you then see me eat the food?"
"Yes."
"Then I don't see a problem, rabbi. Everything was done under full Rabbinical Supervision."
610-
It’s Friday and Moshe is in Tokyo on business. He asks the hotel’s concierge whether there’s a shul nearby. There is, so he gets instructions on how to get there and arrives just before the start of evening service. Moshe is amazed. It’s the largest shul he’s ever seen and not only that, it’s packed with Japanese worshippers. He is lucky and finds the last available seat.
All through the service, Moshe notices the rabbi looking over to where he’s sitting and just before the service ends, the rabbi makes his way over to where Moshe is sitting.
"Where are you from?" the rabbi asks.
"I am from Golders Green in London," replies Moshe.
"Are you Jewish?" asks the rabbi.
Moshe replies, "But of course I am."
Then the rabbi says, "funny, you no rook Jewish."
611-
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage Just set that bare rat cheer.
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."
DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."
ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen. Usage "He cain't breathe... give 'im some ARE!"
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
612-
How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
She has a headache with the milkman.
613-
What's a Jewish wife's idea of a perfect house?
6,000 sq. ft., no kitchen, no bedroom.
614-
How does a Jewish couple perform sex doggy style?
The man sits up and begs, the woman rolls over and plays dead.
615-
Paddy and Murphy are knocking back a few pints of Guinness at the local and in walks O'Rourk.
He says, "did ye hear about O'Hara dyin last night?" Paddy and Murphy, in shock exclaim, "No! Poor O'Hara.
Has anyone told his wife?" O'Rourk says "No she hasn't been told yet, but I'll get sweet talking Patrick to tell her.
He is such a sweet talker and so good with words that he can talk the fish out of the brook and the birds out of the trees."
They leave to find Patrick and as they are leaving in he walks and says "Good Mornin to ye all lads, a pint on me for everyone."
O'Rourk tells Patrick the sad news about O'Hara dyin and asks him to break the news very gently to his wife, as she doesn't yet know.
Patrick, the sweet talker says, "I will be glad to have a chat with O'Hara's wife and I'll break it so gently to her that a whimper is all she'll utter. Im a man of words and I can charm the fish from the brook and the birds from the trees. Dont worry lads, I'll take care of this. They
don't call me sweet talker for nuttin.
Well, off they all go to O'Hara's house. Patrick knocks on the door and O'Hara's wife answers and says, "Yes may I help you?" Sweet talking Patrick steps forward and at attention says, "Are you the widow O'Hara?" To which the woman responds, "My name is O'Hara but I'm not a widow."
Sweet talking Patrick braces himself and exclaims, "Shite you aint."
616-
A strained voice called out through the darkened theatre, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a good, Jewish girl?"
617-
There was terrible news out of Ireland yesterday. A large group of men and women accidentally drowned in the river
Mulkear, outside Limerick.
It turns out they were River Dancers.
618-
Redneck Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his cousin/wife Bobby Sue, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his cousin/wife Bobby Sue. In a few minutes he re-turned and told the lady he was willing to do it.......... ...... however, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.
619-
Two Scotsman were discussing how far each could make a dime reach. They agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who won.
The first guy bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes. On the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the other guy, “I know you can’t beat that for stretching a dime.”
The other Scotsman said, “I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back.”
620-
Moskowitz met Finklestein on the street one day and said, "Finkelstein, have I got a bargain for you! An elephant! A whole living elephant for just one hundred dollars." Finklestein said, "Are you crazy? What do I want with an elephant?" "It's a beautiful elephant," continues Moskowitz, "all grey, ten feet tall, complete with a trunk." "But I have nothing to feed it on," cried Finkelstein. "I live in a three-room apartment. I have no place to put it in." But Moskowitz went on: "Two beautiful tusks, maybe two feet long. It is a magnificent beast. They don't make them like that anymore." "Moskowitz," said Finkelstein, almost screaming, "I have a three-room walk-up apartment on the fifth floor. Where will I keep an elephant?" "You are a hard man, Finkelstein," said Moskowitz. "I will tell you what, I will throw in a second whole elephant for only $50 extra." Finkelstein smiled and said, "Now you are talking!"
621-
A band at an Italian wedding decided to take requests. Nunzio walks up and asks "Uh, do youse guys know da song "Strangers in da Night"?
The band leader says, "Sure we know that one."
Nunzio says "Hey! dat's great! But I got just one favour- could youse play it in 5/4 time?"
"Isn't it played in 4/4 time?" the band leader asked.
"Yeah, but dis here's a special occasion, know whut I mean?"
The band discusses amongst themselves, till the leader turns and says, "I don't think we'll have any problems."
Nunzio turns and yells out "Hey Cousin Vinnie! C'mon up here and sing!"
Cousin Vinnie walks up to the mike as the band begins the intro, and then starts to sing, "Strangers in da fuckin' night..."
622-
Q. What do you get when you cross an Italian with a Puerto Rican?
A. Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.
623-
A young Jewish man had just finished high school and wanted to go to college. He approached his father and said, "Dad, would you send me to college?" "Son," he replied, "You don't even know what's what! When you know what's what, I'll send you to college." His father then offered his son a job in the family business--a furniture store. The boy--let's call him Sam--worked in his father's store for the next year. After the year was over he approached his father again. "Dad," he said, "I've worked for you for a year. Now will you send me to college?" His dad replied, "Son, you still don't know what's what! When you know what's what I'll send you to college!" Sam was dejected. He left and went to a bar to have a drink. At the bar he met an attractive young lady. They seemed to hit it off well. They both left and went to her apartment. After an hour of a little of this and a little of that on the sofa, the young lady said she was going to go to her bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. When she returned she was totally naked, except for a tiny belt around her waist. Sam looked at her in astonishment. Sam pointed to the belt and asked, "What's that?" The lady answered, "What's what?" Sam replied, "If I knew what's what I'd be in college!"
624-
Aussie
In case 'ya ever yerself 'down-under'...........
I'm Hungry
"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."
I'm thirsty:
"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nuns nasty."
"I'm dry as a f**k with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."
I need to go for a pee:
"Pointing Percy at the porcelain"
"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
Need to syphon the python."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snakes hiss."
"Gotta go have a slash."
Gonna go water a horse."
"I'm off to drain the main vein."
"Time to splatter the bladder."
"I'm dying for a piss ! so bad I can taste it."
"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."
"I need to do a poo"
"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
"Off to the bog to leave an offering."
"Time to snap off a grogan."
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
"I'm going to give birth to your twin."
"Need to choke a brown dog."
"I've freed Nelson Mandela."
"Going for a Rodney." "
Taking out the garbage."
"I gotta back one out."
"Release the Chocolate hostage"
"i gotta lay some cables for telstra"
Vomit:
"Calling for George."
"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."
"I left him a lawn pizza."
"Toss a tiger on the carpet."
"Gotta go Ralph"
Insults:
"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."
"Not enough brains to give 'imself a headache!"
"About as useful as tits on a bull."
"You must be the world's only living brain donor."
"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."
"She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."
"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."
"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."
"He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."
"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"
"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."
"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"As ugly as a hat full of arseholes."
"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."
"Got a face like a bashed in shit can."
"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."
"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."
"Couldn't organise a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."
"About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."
"I'll kick your! bum till your nose bleeds!"
"A stubbie short of a six pack."
"Seen better heads in a piss trough."
"You're as handy as shit on a stick."
"Tighter than a fish's arse."
"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."
"Face like a smashed crab."
"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."
He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."
"Fucked in the head."
"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."
"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."
"Mate, she's as rough as a pigs breakfast."
"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."
"He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."
"She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times."
"She's two pick handles wide."
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
"As ugly as a bag of spanners."
"You've got a head like a dropped pie."
"He thinks his shit don't stink, but his farts give him away."
"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."
"Fell out of the ugly ! tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
"You're the load your mother should have swallowed"
"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."
"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs."
"As thick as two short planks!"
"You got a head like a busted watermelon"
625-
A troop of Irish Sea Scouts has drowned whilst pitching their tents.
626-
The Irish national water polo team has suffered a set back when all their horses drowned in the pool.
627-
What did the two Arabs do on Saturday night?
Ate their dates
628-
Abe is just starting out in business in Golders Green. But he has to start small and decides to open up a lemonade stand outside Ben’s Bagels. He puts up a sign which says, ALL YOU CAN DRINK FOR 25p
It’s a hot day and almost immediately some children arrive and pay him 25p. One boy quickly drinks the lemonade he’s given, goes over to Abe with the empty cup and says, "could you please refill my cup?"
Abe replies, "OK, but that will be another 25p."
"How come?" says the boy, "the sign clearly says ‘All you can drink for 25p."
"Nu?" says Abe, "you had a glass of lemonade, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Well," says Abe, "that's all you can drink for 25p."
629-
A man is walking down the street saying the most terrible things about Italians to his friend. He blames the Italians for everything, the dark ages, the black death, WW1, WW2, problems in the Catholic Church, poverty, the Vietnam war, famine in Africa and so on. He is cursing the Italians in the vilest language.
Upon turning the corner they spot an Italian organ grinder with a small monkey. The Italian hating man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a few coins and places them in the cup the monkey is holding.
"You hate Italians so much. How come you did that?", his friend asks.
The Italian hater replies, "Oh, I do hate Italians, that's for sure, but the kids are so cute when they're young."
630-
Myron, a young Jewish boy, was away from home for the first time in his life. He calls his mother from college with great news!
"Mum, this is Myron." "How are you Myron?" "Mum, I'm in Love."
"Oh Myron, your father, Abbie and I have been in love these many years. I'm happy for you."
"Mum, I think we are going to be married."
"Oh Myron, 25 years your father and I have been married. You will be so happy. Tell me about her."
"Mum, she is a gentile."
"OH MYRON, DON'T MARRY A GENTILE! One day you will have a big fight and she will poke you with her finger and say, . . . "JEW, JEW, JEW."
"Thats OK mum, I'll poke her right back and say, . . . "SHVARTZA
SHVARTZA, SHVARTZA .
631-
Q: What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
A: In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia, it's a misdemeanour.
632-
Some of the local good ole boys at the local pool hall down here in Florida
announced the other day that they're gettin' a bit tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are.
Seems they're challengin' any so-called smart-ass Yankee to take this exam that originated over at the University of Florida Engineering Department:
1. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product?
2. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
3. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a '64 Pontiac GTO.
-4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it's charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centres with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of
his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer
633-
This is the new California Driver's Exam.
Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in California, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special Application and driver's test solely for the California area. ............................................................................ ..........
2005 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION
Name: ___________________ Stage Name:__________________
Agent: ___________________ Attorney:____________________
Therapist's Name: _________________
Sex: [ ] Male [ ] Female* [ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female [ ] Both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? [ ] Yes [ ] No
Please list brand of cell phone: ________. If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't: __________________________________________________
(Use extra pages, if necessary)
Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead [ ] Whatever!
Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply) [ ] Eating [ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Shaving (male or female) [X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience) [ ] Lifting weights [ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [ ] Snorting cocaine [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety [ ] Surfing the net via laptop [ ] Discharging firearms / reloading
How many times, while driving, d o! you expect to: [ ] a) Shoot at other drivers ___ [ ] b) Be shot at ___
If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately: [ ] a) Call the police to report the crime. [ ] b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase. [ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through. [ ] d) Call your therapist.
In the event of an earthquake, you should: [ ] a) Stop your car. [ ] b) Keep driving and hope for the best. [ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones. [ ] d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.
In the instance of rain, you should: [ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH. [ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual. [ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is.
Please i ndicate your current number of therapy sessions per week: ________
Are you presently taking any of the following medications? [ ] a) Prozac [ ] b) Zovirax [ ] c) Lithium [ ] d) Xanax [ ] e) Valium [ ] f) Medical pot [ ] g)! Zoloft [ ] h) All of the above [ ] i) None of the above*
* If none, please explain why not: __________________.
Length of daily commute: [ ] a) Less than 1 hour* [ ] b) 1 hour [ ] c) 2 hours [ ] d) 3 hours [ ] e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.
When stopped by police, you should: [ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready. [ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the freeway. [ ] c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit.
Which part o! f your car will wear out first? [ ] a) The wiper blades [ ] b) The seat belts [ ] c) The horn
Automatic door locks are good for: [ ] a) Security [ ] b) Convenience [ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in.
The "bright" setting on your headlights is for: [ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads [ ] b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way [ ] c) Revenge
NOTE: If you are over the age of 75, you do not have to complete this test, you are entitled to drive even if you cannot see, hear, or move.
634-
Two families move from India to England. When they arrive, the fathers make each other a bet--in a year's time, whichever family has become more English will win.
A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, "My son's playing football, I had bacon and eggs for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of beers for tonight. How about you, eh?"
The second guy says, "Fuck you, Pakkie."
635-
An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many fucking South Africans and Aussies that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice !"
636-
Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God and man up their nostrils, and then warn you for putting sugar in your coffee!
637-
The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to."
638-
Old man Willy Blumenfeld was getting on in years. His son, Harold, had done well financially in ladies' underwear. He asked his father if he'd like to go down to Miami Beach. He thought it would be good for the old man to have companionship and balmy weather as well in his declining years. The old man was pleased but consented to go only if he could be at a Kosher hotel. And so Harold made reservations at the Sterling Hotel and put his father on a plane for Miami Beach. His son phoned him once a week and everyone seemed happy. Some weeks later, Harold had to make a business trip south and decided to drop in on pop unannounced as a surprise. When he got to the Sterling Hotel, there was no sign of old man
Blumenfeld. He asked the desk clerk if he had any idea where his father might be and he was told he might try room 402 at the Sans
Souci. Harold hopped into a cab and headed for the Sans Souci. He learned at the desk that room 402 was occupied by a Miss Peggy Murphy. Harold rushed up to room 402, knocked at the door, which was opened by a tall, sparsely dressed redhead. And there was papa in a bathrobe! Harold was furious! Unable to contain himself, he screamed, "Papa, I'm so shocked I don't know what to say! An old religious man like you! And you insisted yet you must stay at a Kosher hotel!" The old man looked at him as if crazy and said, "So, what are you getting so excited for? I don't eat here!"
639-
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion.
The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington.
When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a taxi cab, a gas station, or a motel in Florida.
640-
Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing women.
"I think Southern Women are the prettiest," one of them said.
"I think Southern women are the toughest," said another.
The third said, "I think they're the most polite. That's why they don't like group sex."
His friends looked at him, confused. "They don't like group sex?"
"Nope, too many thank-you notes."
641-
An Italian, an Irishman and a Polish man, all first time fathers, are pacing nervously in a maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding up a new black newborn.
"Yours?" she asked the Italian man, who immediately curses her out in Italian and says "No! notta my kid!"
"Yours?" The nurse asks the Irishman, who answers "It bloody well not be!"
OK then it must be yours", she informs the Pole, who sheepishly looks at the ground and mumbles "It must be, my wife burns everything!"
642-
Benny and Leah are on holiday in Marbella and decide to go to a bullfight. While they are watching the grand procession which takes place before the bullfights commences, Leah starts asking a lot of questions. Fortunately, Benny had been to a bullfight some years earlier during a business trip and is able to answer them.
"Benny, who’s that leading the procession?" asks Leah.
"That’s the toreador, Leah."
"So who’s that behind the toreador?"
"That’s the matador, Leah."
"And who’s that man behind the matador, Benny?"
"That’s the picador, Leah," says Benny, a little fed up with all the questions.
"And who’s the little man behind the picador?" asks Leah.
"That’s Isadore, the kosher butcher."
643-
Q. Why do Australian men cum so fast?
A. So they can race down the pub and tell their mates.
644-
On a joint military exercise an English soldier, an American solider, and a Russian soldier found themselves sharing a tent while on a military exercise and the conversation turned towards how well fed each of them was.
"In the Russian army we get 2000 calories of food a day" said the Russian.
"Well," said the Englishman, "in the British army we are given 4000 calories of food a day."
"That's nothing," said the American, "in the US army we get 8000 calories of food a day."
At this the Russian got very annoyed. "Nonsense," he said, "how could one man eat so much cabbage?"
645-
Everyone knows that there is a Bethlehem in Pennsylvania but few, outside the commonwealth, know that there is also a Nazareth. The town and the city are connected by PA route 191, Nazareth Pike. One dark
drizzly night in December a man was driving PA route 191 from Nazareth to Bethlehem. Just outside Hecktown, as he was moving slowly along this country road he noticed a shape in the drizzle.
As he got closer he saw that it was a man pulling a donkey and there was a woman, very pregnant, sitting on the donkey. Having almost run over the donkey, the driver, very incensed, stopped and got out to talk to the man pulling the donkey. "You know I almost ran over your donkey!"
"I am sorry but I have to get to Bethlehem to pay my taxes."
"Right! I guess your name is Joseph, too."
"How did you guess?"
Driver, "I'll bet you're going to tell me that that is your wife, named Mary, riding on the donkey, and that she is going to have her baby in Bethlehem."
Joseph, "Right, again."
Driver, "And when the baby comes, you are going to name him Jesus, right."
Joseph, "What do I look like, a Puerto Rican?!"
646-
Bernie and Faye, a wealthy couple, are coming up to their Ruby wedding anniversary and Faye has been thinking for some months about how they should celebrate. Then she comes to a decision. "Bernie," she says, "I'm going to book us a wonderful 6 weeks cruise. I know you don't like ships because you got sea sick last time, but trust me, this one will be perfect for us. It’s called ‘Bubbeh of the Sea,’ an intimate seven-star luxury liner with everything kosher we could ever want to eat made available. Let’s give it a go."
Bernie certainly isn't pleased with Faye’s decision, but who is he to argue - he could never win. So he says, "OK dear."
On the day of the cruise, Bernie and Faye drive up to the quay in their Bugatti Veyron 16.4. Captain Cohen is on the bridge as they pass by and calls in the purser. "Find out who they are and invite them to dine at my table tonight."
Later, the purser knocks on the door of the Royal State Room. When Faye answers the door, the purser says, "Compliments of Captain Cohen, madam. He would very much like you both to dine with him this evening."
Bernie comes to the door and says, "Who is it Faye, is there a problem?"
"This man says that Captain Cohen wants us to eat with him this evening," replies Faye.
"I told you we shouldn't have come," says Bernie, "seven-star or no seven-star, we have only been on this boat half-an-hour and already we have to eat with the crew."
647-
Aaron is out shopping in Golders Green when he remembers that he has guests coming over for tea and needs to buy some tea bags. He goes into ‘Moshe the Grocer’ and starts looking for tea bags. As he walks down the first aisle, he can’t help but notice that all the shelves are packed with bags of salt. Shelf after shelf, in aisle after aisle, all packed with bags of salt. So he calls for the manager.
"Can I help you?" says Moshe.
"Yes you can," replies Aaron, "I’ve come in here to buy some tea bags and all I can find is salt. What kind of grocer do you call yourself? It’s a bit pointless, isn’t it, just selling salt? I just don’t believe you can sell all this salt."
"I couldn’t agree with you more," says Moshe, "I personally can’t sell much salt, but oy veh, the sales rep who sold me the salt – can he sell salt!"
648-
In Foreign Lands, don't ask...
IRELAND "Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?"
FRANCE "Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren't the French just Germans who can make sauces?"
POLAND "Do you hire foreigners to screw in your light-bulbs?"
GERMANY "Is this bratwurst kosher?"
TURKEY "Where's the hash at? It's cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?"
CHINA "This wall isn't so great."
ENGLAND "Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?"
SWEDEN "Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"
INDIA "You don't live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?"
CANADA "You're like Americans without money."
SPAIN "So, this is the country that's not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?"
SOUTH AFRICA "I liked it better the other way."
GREECE "I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."
AMERICA "Was John Wayne gay?
649-
A Maori goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute.
He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour bro?" "$100," she replies.
So he asks, "Okay do you do Maori style?"
She says "No!"
He then asks her, "I'll pay you $200 to do it Maori style?"
She again says no, not knowing what Maori style is!
So he then offers her $300.
Again she declines his offer.
So finally he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Maori style with me!"
Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Maori style be?"
So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish.
Exhausted, the prostitute turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Maori style' come in?" The Maori replies . . . "I'll pay you next week"
650-
Q: Why does the French flag have Velcro?
A: So the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war.
651-
Rules for Entering Texas
The following list of rules apply to each person as they enter Texas: Know them and learn them well.
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight, it's called a 'gravel road,' I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw "Bambi," too. We got over it.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat catfish, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women.
11. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age.
12. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
13. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three
spices ~ salt, pepper, and Tabasco sauce.
14. You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice and plenty of it! You bring "Hooch" into my house it better have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for quail, dove, duck, teal, or pheasant. You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have longhair.
15. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon.
16. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards-it spooks the fish.
18. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outta there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.
19. We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, " Don't Mess With Texas".
20. Our military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken an NRA Certified Course.
21. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas"
GOD BLESS TEXAS
652-
A guy from New York married a hillbilly girl. On the honeymoon, the New Yorker asked his new bride if there was any difference in the lovemaking of city guys and hillbillies.
She paused for a moment and said calmly, well you city guys walk up and stick it in, but the hillbilly guys stick it in and then walk up. Needless to say that was the end of the conversation.
653-
You just may be a "Redneck" if....
Your answering machine message begins, "If you're calling about the free puppies..."
Your kids take rabbit sandwiches in their school lunch boxes.
All the holes in your jeans came from buckshot and barbed wire fences.
The recoil pad on your shotgun used to be the cup of your wife's bra (or a shoulder pad from her sweater).
Your family reunion was held at a skating rink.
Every time you rebuild your motor there are a few parts left over.
654-
Did you hear about the €3 million Irish Lottery?
The winner gets €3.00 a year for a million years.
655-
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
656-
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing
to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump. Think of your dear mother and father." He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children." He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."
He relied, "Who's Robert E. Lee?"
She replied, "Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass
657-
Why does India never win any medals in the Olympics?
Because all of the Indians who can run, jump, and swim are already in the U K!
658-
What has six balls and screws rednecks?
The Kentucky Lottery!
659-
The Canadians are going to help America with the war on terrorism.
They have pledged:
2 battle ships, 600 ground troops and 6 fighter jets.
After the American exchange rate we end up with:
2 Canoes, 6 Mounties and a bunch of flying squirrels.
660-
Q: Why do West Virginians like to screw sheep at the edge of a cliff?
A: The sheep tend to push back harder that way!!
661-
Yossel the Hassid is in London on business. It’s now one hour to shabbes and he’s all dressed up in his special shabbes clothes ready to go to a local shul. He takes the lift to the ground floor and walks towards the exit. As he reaches the reception area, he sees a stunning British Airways air hostess with blonde hair and a face and figure he could die for. She has just checked in. As soon as she sees Yossel, she stops in her tracks and walks quickly over to him.
"Hello," she says to him.
"Hello to you too," he says.
"I have a confession to make," she says.
"What is it?" he asks.
"I have a sexual fantasy," she says.
"Nu, so go on," he says.
"I’ve always wanted to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis and my fingers through his beard, play with his peyess, eat kichel with him, poke my finger in his puppik, remove his gatkes, play with his shlong and then shtup. So I want you to join me now. I have a room upstairs just waiting for us. What do you say?"
Yossel looks at her thoughtfully and says, "And what's in it for me?"
662-
Moshe meets his friend in Hendon. "Hi Abe, how are things with you?"
"OK, I suppose," replies Abe, rather gloomily.
"So why the long face?" asks Moshe.
“Because I just found a full pay packet in the gutter, that’s why," answers Abe.
"Well surely that’s no reason to be miserable?" says Moshe.
"It is - when you see how much the Inland Revenue has taxed me," replies Abe
663-
The new postman is delivering a registered parcel and needs a signature so he rings the doorbell. Sadie sticks her head out of the bedroom window and says, "Nu, what is it?"
"I have a registered parcel for Mrs Levy," he replies.
"Is it wrapped in fancy gift paper or just plain brown paper?" Sadie asks.
"Ordinary brown paper, madam," he replies.
"So who is it from?" Sadie asks.
"It’s from John Lewis department store, madam," he replies.
"Does it say from which branch?" Sadie asks.
"Yes, madam," he replies, "it’s from Oxford Street."
"Does it say what’s in it?" Sadie asks.
"It says it’s from their Writing Instruments department," he replies. "Will you now come down and sign for it, please."
"Sorry," replies Sadie, "I can’t do that."
"Why not?" he asks.
"Because," Sadie replies, "I’m Sadie Cohen. Mrs Levy lives next door."
664-
Aaron is over 90 years old and is close to death. Nevertheless, he is surprised to overhear his two sons discussing his funeral arrangements. "Let’s order two dozen bottles of
whisky and kosher red wine, plus ten plates each of smoked salmon bagels, egg and onion rolls, shmaltz herring, fish balls, mixed olives, rye bread and cakes, and invite all the mourners back to mum’s house afterwards," says Joshua.
"Are you crazy?" says Mervyn, "That would cost too much. Better we give everyone just a cup of tea and a piece of cake."
"OK," says Joshua, "but I think we should hire ten Rolls Royces to take family and mourners to and from Bushey Cemetery," says Joshua.
"Are you meshugga?" says Mervyn, "That’s much too extravagant. All we need do to save money is hire just one large Ford for you, me and mum. The rest can find their own means of transport."
Just then, Joshua and Mervyn hear Aaron’s faint voice from upstairs. "Mervyn, will you please fetch me a nice clean pair of trousers."
"But dad, you know what the doctor told you," says Mervyn, "you must stay quietly in bed and not over-exert yourself."
"Yes, I know, Mervyn," says his father, "but I’ve decided to walk to Bushey cemetery. It will save you having to hire a hearse."
665-
Moshe is driving to Golders Green where he has an important meeting to attend. But when he gets there, he can’t find a place to park. He drives around, he waits, he even tries a bit farther away, but all in vain. So in desperation he looks up at the sky and says, "Oh Lord, if you will find me a parking place in the next five minutes, I promise you I will stop gambling, I’ll eat only kosher food, I’ll stop going with shiksas and I’ll observe shabbes properly."
Almost immediately, he sees a car pulling out of its parking place and quickly takes its place. Again Moshe looks up at heaven and says, "Oh Lord, there’s no need for you to find me a parking place - I've already found one."
666-
Max leaves his house to hail a taxi and almost immediately finds one. As he gets in, the cabbie says, "Perfect timing, just like Hymie."
"Who’s Hymie?" asks Max.
"Hymie Gold, of course," says the cabbie, "now there's someone who got what he wanted - like a taxi just when he needed it. Not like me - I always have to wait ages when I need something."
"No one’s perfect," says Max.
"Except Hymie," says the cabbie. "Hymie was a great athlete and could have played football for Arsenal. Not like me - I’m just a couch potato."
"So am I," says Max.
"And," says the cabbie, "Hymie danced like Astaire. Not like me – I’ve got two left feet."
"Sounds like Hymie was really someone special," says Max.
"You can say that again," says the cabbie. "He even remembered everyone’s birthday. Not like me - I always forget important birthdays and anniversaries. And Hymie could fix anything in the house. Not like me - if I change a fuse, the whole neighbourhood has a power failure."
"Wow," says Max, "there aren’t many men around like Hymie."
The cabbie continues. "And Hymie knew how to treat a woman. He could always make her feel good and never answered her back even if she was in the wrong. Not like me - I’m always getting into arguments with my wife."
"What an amazing person," says Max, "how did you meet him?"
"Well, I never actually met Hymie," replies the cabbie.
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Max.
"I married his widow," replies the cabbie.
667-
Nathan is talking to his solicitor. "Here’s the deal, Abe. If you’re absolutely sure I’ll win the case, I’ll give you the business."
"OK," replies Abe, "but before I can give you my opinion, I obviously need to know the facts."
So Nathan goes into great detail about his failed partnership and ends up saying, "So now you’ve heard everything, do you think I can sue my partner and get my money back?"
"Well," replies Abe, "from what I’ve just heard, it’s clear to me that you will win. It’s rare to have such an open-and-shut case."
Nathan goes very white when he hears this.
"What’s the matter?" asks Abe.
"I told you my partner’s side of the case," replies Nathan.
668-
Moshe and his friend Issy were half way through a round of golf when a golf ball arrives out of nowhere and strikes Moshe on the back of his head. "Gevalt." Moshe cries out, rubbing the back of his head.
Almost immediately, Hymie arrives to apologise. But Moshe is having none of it.
"You call yourself a golfer?" yells Moshe. "If I had my way, I’d ban you from every North London golf club. Do you see what you’ve done to me? My head is bleeding. I’m going to call my solicitor as soon as I get to the clubhouse. I’ll sue you for £5,000."
"But … but," says Hymie, "didn’t you hear me? I shouted FORE."
"OK," says Moshe, "I’ll take it."
669-
The Jewish Princess Recipe Book
Chapter One . . . . . . . . . . Reservations
670-
Abe had done very well in business and had amassed a small fortune. Now he was looking to create the most unique and spectacular barmitzvah ever for his son David. But what should it be? He dismissed the Barmitzvah Safari – too many families had already done it. But then, after much investigation, Abe was sure he had cracked it – he would rent a spaceship and David would be the first barmitzvah space boy. He started on the plans immediately.
In due course, the spaceship took off with his family and friends (and his Rabbi, of course) on board. When they returned, the media was there to find out how the journey had gone.
The first person off the shuttle was the bubbeh.
"How was the service, grandma?" asked the Jewish Chronicle reporter.
"OK," she replied.
"And how was David’s speech?"
"OK."
"So how was the food?"
"OK."
"Everything was just OK? Why aren’t you more enthusiastic? What went wrong?"
"There was no atmosphere."
671-
Jonathan had worked hard all his life and had saved most of his earnings. He was a real miser when came to his money, which he loved more than just about anything.
Just before he died, Jonathan said to his wife, "Now listen, Sarah, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the coffin with me. Please do this because I want to take my money with me to the afterlife. Promise me."
She promised she would.
Finally the day came when Jonathan died. At his funeral, Sarah was with her best friend Rebecca. After they had buried him, Rebecca said to Sarah, "I hope you weren't stupid to put all that money in there with Jonathan."
Sarah replied, "Well, I promised him - I'm a good Jew and I can't lie. I promised him that I would put that money in with him."
"You mean to tell me," said Rebecca, "you put every penny of his money in the coffin with him?"
"I sure did," said Sarah, "I got it all together, put it into my bank account and wrote him out a cheque."
672-
Cecil and Morris are walking to services and Cecil asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"
"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris.
Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?"
"No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi.
Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.
"I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?"
To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."
673-
Old Sean lived alone in Northern Ireland. He wanted to spade up his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Mick, I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Father, For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them feckin' BODIES! Love, Mick
At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.
The next day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Father, Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances Love, Mick
674-
A group of Cubans desert their island on their way to Miami. In the middle of their arduous journey, one of the Cubans (the oldest one) suffers a major heart attack and as a last wish asks for a flag to say good-bye to his dearest Cuba. Having abandoned everything in Havana, the other Cubans search desperately in their boat to find something that will resemble a flag of their country... a T-shirt, a handkerchief... anything. Almost ready to abandon all hope, a 20-year-old girl interrupts their desperate search to offer a tattoo of the flag that is inscribed on the left cheek of her buttocks. The young girl pulls down her shorts and slowly lowers her underwear showing the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped, tanned buttock cheek. She approaches the dying man and sticks her ass right on his face. The old man caresses the "flag," grabs the cheek with both hands and starts kissing the flag with great passion, saying, "My dear Cuba, I say good-bye to you with great sadness. My land, my flag, Havana... I will miss you so." After going on for almost 15 minutes non-stop, he says to the girl, "Now, Chica, turn around, por favor. I want to kiss Castro good-bye!"
675-
In the Strand.
American woman: "Can you tell me what exactly Banana Cream Pie is"
Waitress: "What one of the three words are you having a problem with"
Waitress was sacked
676-
*Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin...*
Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners, North westerners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e. g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e. g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e. g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.
677-
How are Jewish men the most confident men in the world?
They cut the end of their dick off before they know how long it will be ...
678-
Paddy's doing really well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire?" He's already got £500,000 and Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for 1million quid: "Paddy, for £1million, who was the great train robber? Was it: A: Ronnie Barker...B: Ronnie O'Sullivan ... C: Ronnie Corbett or... was it D: Ronnie Biggs?"
Paddy says:"Oi'll tek der money please Chris..."
Chris reminds him that he still has all 3 life lines left. Paddy again says.."Nope, oi'll take der money please Chris..."
"You don't want to phone a friend?" says Chris.
"No t'anks, oi'll take de money - foinal answer"
"OK," says Chris, looking bemused: "give him a round of applause ladies and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with £500,000. However, before you
go, you'll obviously want to know what the answer was... Paddy?"
Paddy said: "No, yer alroight, oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris."
"You knew it anyway!... are you mad!" asks Chris: "are you mental?"
Paddy says: "Oi moight be mental Chris ... but oi'm no feckin grass!"
679-
Bloke goes in shop and asks for Irish Sausages. The Assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"
"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I Was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would
ya? Would ya?"
The assistant says: "Well no."
"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't."
With self-indignation, the man says: "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"
The Assistant replies: " Because this is Homebase!"
680-
Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.
681-
The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing the redneck patient. "Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you ain't to have no relations whatsoever!" Pausing for a moment, the young patient replied, "Okay, but what about friends 'n
neighbours?"
682-
In America the late night news used to broadcast this message: "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?
In England they say "Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?
In France they say "It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?"
In Ireland they say Its 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"
683-
Q. If Tarzan and Jane were from West Virginia, what would Cheetah be?
A. Pregnant.
684-
Rednecks are much more likely to have good sex on their wedding night than other people..... you're *always* going to feel more comfortable with a relative you grew up with!
685-
A recent newspaper report said that 60% of 14 year old girls in Liverpool regularly indulged in binge drinking.
That's absolutely shocking ~ who's looking after their kids?
686-
Q: Do you know what you say to a black man in a 3 piece suit.
A: Will the defendant please rise.
687-
Q. How do we know that the bikini was invented for orthodox Jews?
A. It separates the meat from the dairy sections
688-
A young uneducated black man applied for a job in an office. After the interview, he left and hooked up with his homies.
One asked, "How'd it go?"
The guy answered, "First part was smooth. But den she wanted to see my testimonials. So I showed 'em and she freaked. There went da job."
689-
An Hispanic in Phoenix has his car stolen. He doesn't report it for 7 days.
When he finally goes to the police station to report, the officer in charge says that since the loss
occurred over 7 days ago the vehicle is probably over the border and stripped for parts.
The Hispanic was heard to mutter as he left the station . . . . . " Damn Canadians".
690-
Application to go on the Jerry Springer Show:
Last name: ________________ First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher
(_) Exotic Dancer
Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________ Lover's Name:___________________________ Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: _____ Number of children living in shed: ______ Number that are yours: ______ Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leaveblank) Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leaveblank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Total number of vehicles you own: ___ Number of vehicles in front yard: ___ Number of vehicles in back yard: ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: 196_ Do you have a gun rack? If no, please explain: Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____ Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
Colour of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A
691-
Q: What do you call a Australian with 500 girlfriends?
A: A shepherd.
692-
A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that used the name, Bubba. He went to court and changed his name.
The judge asked," and what name do you want it changed to?"
He said, "Candy."
The judge replied, "Candy? "C-A-N-D-Y is that right?
Yes that's right, your honor." said Bubba The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, your name is now,
Candy.
He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard "who's there?" He said, "It's me!
She said, "come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."
He said, "It's not Bubba." She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."
He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."
She asked, "what it is?" He said, "Guess."
She said, "Leroy?" He answered, "No."
She said, "Johnny?" He answered, "No."
She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in." He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth.
"Oh!... Come on in, Dick."
693-
You know how everything in Texas is bigger than anywhere else? Well, there was this Texan living in Bristol a while back. Huge fellow he was, had to duck under all but the highest of doorways, and often had to go through sideways. And he was always going on about how much bigger things were back home, used to really bore everyone senseless with his bragging.
Anyway, he died one day, and wound up in a mortuary where a friend of mine worked. Charlie was telling me about the trouble they had, trying to find a coffin big enough to plant him in. They looked everywhere, but there was nothing that even came close, and it would take time to have one specially made. "So what did you do?" I asked.
"Oh," said Charlie, "it was simple, really. We gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box."
694-
Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah be Praised!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Egypt Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah is Great."
Pause: Static.............. Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now---ya hear?"
695-
TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT A REDNECK HAS BEEN WORKING ON YOUR COMPUTER
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Huntin".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
696-
Bernard and Issy are having a serious chat about women. Bernard says, "Whenever I see a woman, Issy, I give her a rating of between 1 and 10."
"So what," says Issy, "I do the same."
"But my system is different," says Bernard, "I score Jewish women differently to non-Jewish women."
"That’s new to me," says Issy. "So in your system, what’s a Jewish 10?"
"That’s a woman who I would normally rate a ‘4’ but who has £1,000,000."
697-
Little Sam is bored. So he goes over to his mother and asks, "Mum, can I go outside and watch the solar eclipse?"
"OK, bubbeleh," says his mother, "but don’t go too close."
698-
Nathan goes to
synagogue one shabbes and Rabbi Bloom almost faints when he sees him - Nathan has never stepped foot inside a shul since his barmitzvah. At the end of the Service, Rabbi Bloom goes over to Nathan and says, "I’m very pleased to see you here today, what made you come?"
Nathan replies, "I'll be honest with you, rabbi. I lost my favourite hat about 3 months ago and I really miss it. A friend of mine told me that Kenneth Gold has a hat just like mine. My friend also told me that Gold comes to shul every shabbes, always takes off his hat before Service begins, leaves it in the cloakroom at the back of the shul and replaces it with his yarmulke. So I was going to leave after the Torah reading and steal Gold’s hat."
Rabbi Bloom says, "Well Nathan, I notice that you didn't steal Gold’s hat after all. Whilst I’m very glad, please tell me why you changed your mind."
"Well rabbi," replies Nathan, "after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Gold’s hat."
Rabbi Bloom smiles and says, "I suppose you decided against it after you heard me talking about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal'?"
"Not exactly, rabbi," replies Nathan. "After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left my hat."
699-
Why do black men wear hats with wide brims?
To stop seagulls shitting on their lips.
700-
NEWSFLASH:
British Airways are sending a plane full of Scousers to New Orleans to help with the looting.
701-
Top Ten Signs That You're Going To Have A Dysfunctional, White-Trash Family Thanksgiving
Little sister Sue catches Mama adding a box of Ex-Lax to her special brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular" afterwards.
Cousin Jen shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it, and proudly displays her summons for her court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined her new coat.
Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.
Cousin Mikey shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Julie, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.
Uncle Max coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup, and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of "Redman" chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back home.
Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new "best friend" as well as being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.
Second-cousin Billy Joe brings as his guest his current analyst, who's doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures.
Uncle Peter, who's legally blind but can see some shapes and colours and shadows, and who also got legally blind fucking stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps "accidentally" nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.
13-year-old cousin Timmy asks his Uncle Bobby if he can borrow his thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball "rock" he just bought from your Dad.
Uncle Ralph serves the turkey flambe' by pouring some his famous homemade 'shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left on Uncle Peter's head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special Thanskgiving holiday.
702-
TODAY'S EBONICS' WORD IS -
OMELETTE
Allow me to use it in a sentence:
"I should pop a cap in yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide".
703-
This hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box of condoms.
The druggist says, "How old are you, son?"
The kid replies, "Eleven."
"I can't sell you any condoms," the druggist says. "You're too young."
The kid says, "Gimme some rubbers or I'll call a cop."
"All right, cool it," the druggists says to the kid. "What kind of condoms do you want?"
The kid tells him, "Gimme the French ticklers."
The druggist says, "Listen, kid. Do you know what one of those things will do to a woman?"
"No," the kid replies, "but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!"
704-
There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee'". "How do you play that?" asked the redneck.
"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."
The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.
"You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"
"Yup. I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."
His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
705-
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read:
Britain 5.8 Russia 5.9 United States 5.5 Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the
centre during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read:
Britain 5.8 Russia 5.5 United States 5.9 Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read:
Britain 0.0 Russia 0.0 United States 0.0 Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison,
"How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"
To which the Irish judge replies, "You've gotta remember, it's damn slippery out there."
706-
Why do our kids have to take the Iowa Test for Basic Skills?
Why can't we have a Georgia Test of Basic Skills with questions like, "Bubba's got three cars and he done traded for two more. How many cement blocks is Bubba gonna need?"
707-
I went to a Muslim strip show the other day and everyone was shouting,
"Show us your face."
708-
A customer at Morris' Gourmet Grocery
marvelled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Morris, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morris replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Morris. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. ... You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."
709-
Welcome to Britain
A Somalian arrives in Leicester as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr Englishman for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani". The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.
"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain!" The person says "I no Blitish. I flom Hong Kong The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says
"Thank you for the wonderful Britain!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran, I am not British!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a British citizen?" She says, "No, I am from Rumania!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the British?"
The Rumanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work."
710-
A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.
"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase."
The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."
They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over London bridge, he grabs the Scotsman's suitcase and hurls it out of the bus. It lands in the river and sinks without a trace.
The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket collector, "Not only are ye tryin' to overcharge me for the ticket--but now ye've gone an' drowned me boy Angus!"
711-
A guy walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a white wine.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, conversation stops.
The bartender says: "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says: "No, I'm from Wales."
The bartender says: "What do you do in Wales?"
The guy says: "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says: "A taxidermist? What the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
The guy says: "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers: "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
712-
Ruth is Naomi’s only child. Unfortunately Ruth is a rather plain girl and as a result is still single at 30 - she doesn’t even have a boyfriend. So naturally, Naomi is getting worried and sees her chance of becoming a bubbeh fading fast. So one day Naomi decides to have a heart-to-heart talk with Ruth.
"Darling," she says, "I’m your mother and I love you, so please don’t get angry with me when you hear what I have to say. I’m getting worried about you because you won’t find a nice man by staying at home, night after night, doing nothing but looking sad and watching TV. Believe me, darling, the best thing to do is to advertise yourself in the Jewish Dating Times."
"Oh mum," says Ruth, embarrassed, "I just couldn’t do that."
"But you could, darling," says Naomi. "You don’t give your name, you just put in a box number where suitors send their details about themselves. And we won’t tell a soul we’re doing it, not even your dad."
After ten further minutes of serious discussion, Naomi gets her way and next day they place the following advert in the paper
CHARMING JEWISH GIRL WITH GSOH, SLIM BUT SHAPELY, POLITE, EXCELLENT EDUCATION, COOKS GREAT MEALS, LOOKING TO MEET KIND, EDUCATED, INTELLIGENT JEWISH MAN WITH VIEW TO MARRIAGE.
WRITE TO BOX 13
Then the waiting starts. One week later, a reply drops through the letter box. Ruth picks it up and shouts, "Mum, I’ve got a reply."
Ruth opens the letter, starts to read then suddenly gasps and bursts out crying.
"What’s the matter, darling?" asks Naomi.
"It’s from dad," replies Ruth.
713-
Naomi is in love with Peter and takes him home to meet her parents, Moshe and Hetty. "Dad," she says, "I’d like you to meet Peter. We’re in love and we would like to get married."
It soon became obvious to Moshe that Peter wasn’t Jewish. "Now look Peter," says Moshe, "you seem a great person and I can see why my Naomi has fallen for you. But you must understand that we only want Naomi to marry a Jewish boy. Please don’t take it personally - it’s what my wife and I want."
"I fully understand sir," says Peter. "Naomi and I realised this would be the situation and so I’ve told her I’m willing to convert to Judaism. If I did this, would you then give us your blessing?"
Moshe thinks for a while, then replies, "Yes, I would."
Over the following 12 months, Peter gets circumcised (ouch), joins Moshe’s synagogue, goes to Hebrew classes, attends shabbes services and finally takes a 6 week trip to Israel. But when he returns to make arrangements for the wedding, he learns that Naomi has fallen out of love with him. She doesn’t now want to marry him. Peter is devastated and goes to Moshe to see whether he can help.
"Moshe," he says, "I agreed to convert and become a real Jew – and I have. I’ve been circumcised, I’ve regularly attended shabbes services and I can speak Hebrew as well as anyone. I know all the Jewish customs and I can tell wonderful Jewish jokes. I’m a mensh, but Naomi doesn’t want me. What on earth can I do?"
"Marry a shiksa like all the other Jewish boys," replies Moshe.
714-
Sharon is very despondent about her aging looks and makes an appointment to see a plastic surgeon. After he examines her, he recommends she undergo a full face lift.
"Doctor," she says, "what will the operation to give me a full face lift cost?"
"For you," says the doctor, I would estimate £25,000."
"Oy veh, that’s far too much, doctor," she says. "Isn’t there something less expensive?"
"Well," replies the doctor, "you could try wearing a veil."
715-
Moshe is an inventor, or at least he thinks he is. After spending many months in his study working on his latest ideas, he rings the Patent Office and books an appointment. When he arrives, the receptionist greets him, "Good morning Mr. Levy. I see you’re booked to meet with one of our consultants to discuss your three new inventions. Before you do so, however, I have to fill in this form. I only need to ask you some basic questions. Is this OK with you?"
"Yes, it’s fine, thank you," replies Moshe.
After asking Moshe the usual questions such as name, address, nationality and age, the receptionist goes on to ask, "And what is your first invention, Mr Levy?"
"I’ve invented a folding bottle," replies Moshe, proudly.
"And do you have a name for it?" she asks.
"Yes, I call it a FOTTLE," replies Moshe.
"And what’s your second invention?" she asks, smiling ever so slightly.
"I’ve invented a folding carton," replies Moshe.
"And what do you call that?" she asks.
"I call it a FARTON," replies Moshe.
At that, she can’t help laughing as she says, "If I may say so, Mr Levy, those are rather silly names for new products. And the name of your carton is a bit rude too."
Moshe is not prepared to take any further ridicule from her and walks out of the office. He doesn’t even tell her about his third invention, his folding bucket.
716-
Rivkah drives a big Lexus to her local Lexus dealer and tells him she wants to sell it. "How much do you want for it?" he asks her.
"I’ll be happy to accept £100," she replies.
The dealer is very suspicious. Well he would be - the car is almost new and is worth at least £40,000. "I’m not sure I want to take it," he says to Rivkah.
"Don’t get worried," says Rivkah, "let me explain. There’s nothing wrong with the car, as well you know, as you sold it to us only recently. But mine Bernie died two weeks ago and he was having an affair with his shiksa secretary. I’ve just attended the reading of his Will and in it he says his secretary should have the proceeds from selling his car. So here I am."
717-
Abe is sunbathing in his back garden in Golders Green one Sunday afternoon when a small spaceship appears out of nowhere and lands near him. A strange looking spaceman gets out, walks over to Abe and says, "Take me to your leader."
"I can’t," replies Abe, "mine Hetty is in Bournemouth with the grandchildren."
718-
Henry says to Alan, "You should live, please God, to 120 years plus 3 months."
"Thank you Henry," says Alan, "but why the 3 months?"
"Because," replies Henry, "I wouldn’t want you to die suddenly."
719-
Police have revealed that for quite some considerable time they have been searching for Scouse terrorists. With some relief they have stated that they've found Bin Scroungin', Bin Thievin' and Bin Muggin' but they still can't find Bin Workin'.
720-
An Irishman goes for a job at a blacksmiths. The blacksmith says, Have you ever tried shoeing a horse?
The Irishman replies, No but I told a donkey to fuck off!
721-
There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and an African. The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the temperature of the water. It's 32 degrees Celsius."
The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius".
At last the African man said, "Let me have a try". So he took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said: "I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep!"
722-
An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "what are you doing here?"
The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"
"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.
723-
Q: What's the difference between Canada and The U.S?
A; In the U.S., Moosehead is a beer. In Canada, it's a sexual offence
724-
What do Polish women and hockey players have in common?
They both take their pads off after 3 periods.
725-
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first. "They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."
"Me? I came to work early." said the second. "They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."
"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added the third. "They said this proved I had an American watch."
726-
This bloke (Oh, let's call him Paddy) went into a bar where his mate (he can be Michael) was standing having a drink. As Michael turned to say hello, Paddy flailed his arms above his head and struck Michael on the right side of his neck with the edge of his right hand. Michael collapsed in a heap.
As the barman and the other customers looked on in bewilderment Paddy announced "Tell Michael I'm studying karate. That was a Classic 1933 cross body karate chop."
The following night Paddy returned to the bar and Michael was again enjoying a light refreshment. As Michael turned to say hello, Paddy flailed his arms above his and struck Michael on the left side of his neck with the edge of right hand.
Michael collapsed in a heap.
As the barman and the other customers looked on in bewilderment Paddy announced "Tell Michael I'm studying karate. That was a Classic 1965 open handed karate chop."
The following night Paddy goes back to the bar and Michael was blowing the froth of a couple of lagers. As Paddy approached Michael raised his right arm and brought it down in a swift movement onto the crown of Paddy's skull. Paddy collapsed in a Heap.
As the barman and the other customers looked on in bewilderment Michael announced "Tell Paddy I'm a trainee mechanic. That was a Classic 1949 Austin 7 starter handle".
727-
At the Russian War College, a general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, it looks like you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class is surprised, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key.
For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 300 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews?"
728-
On his honeymoon, a very thick South African Boer farmer, Piet Kruger, insisted on having a room with a balcony overlooking the sea.
On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very sexy lingerie. "Ag Hendrik, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savour for the first time," she says coyly.
"No thanks, I want to sit out here," he said.
So Marie sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Hendrik once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused.
Eventually Marie grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep.
In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony. "Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?" she asked.
"Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life - and I didn't want to miss a moment of it."
729-
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye.. Roon sirbees.. morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh.. yes.. I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!... Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No... just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter... just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy... tea... meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy... rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G: "You're very welcome."
730-
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me .. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
731-
Jesse Jackson walked into the appliance section of a sears roebuck store. He looked around then shouted, "I want to see the manager right now!"
The manager of the department came out and said, "How can I help you, reverend?"
Jesse replied, "I want to know why all of your washing machines are white?"
The manager immediately flipped open all the lids of the washing machines and said, "Reverend Jackson, yes, all of our washing machines are white, but if you look inside, you'll find that all of the 'agitators' are 'black'!"
732-
Two elderly Jewish men meet in Miami. They are old friends, but they haven't seen each other in over a year.
"So, Saul, how are you?"
"Not bad."
"What have you been doing with yourself?"
"I got myself a hobby"
"A hobby? What kind of hobby?"
" I keep bees."
"You keep bees? Where do you keep bees?"
"In my house. Where do you think?'
"In your house? Where?
"In my cellar"
"In your cellar, Saul? But don't they sting you?"
"Naw, I keep them in a closet in my cellar?"
" In a closet! Don't they attack you when you open the door?"
" Don't be silly. I keep them in a jar with a lid on it."
"With a lid on it?" Won't they die?"
Saul looks at his old friend and say with a shrug, "Fuck 'em, it's only a hobby.
733-
A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually a Japanese bloke answers... "Harro", says the chap. "Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman
"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.
Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the bin man smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man
"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheely Bin?"
"OK" "OK" , says the Jap, "I wheely bin having wank"
734-
Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.
The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter the United States of America."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is
Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you and works at a Verizon help desk.
735-
NEW YORK,
November 2005 -
The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English - now dubbed Hebonics - as a second language. Backers of the move say the city's School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.
According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question plus a complaint that is implied or stated.
Thus: "How are you?" may be answered, "How should I be, with my feet?"
Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism.
An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."
Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as: "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."
Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On-Hebonics.
Question: "What time is it?" English answer: "Sorry, I don't know." Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"
Remark: "I hope things turn out okay." English response: "Thanks." Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"
Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready." English response: "Be right there." Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time." English response: "Glad you like it." Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?
Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged." English response: "Congratulations!" Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."
Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?" English answer: "Just say when." Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"
To guest of honour at his birthday party: English remark: "Happy birthday." Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."
Remark: "A beautiful day." English response: "Sure is." Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
Answering a phone call from son: English remark: "It's been a long time since you called." Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
736-
London Speak
1. Excuse me sir
Oy yoooo kaaaant
2. Could you direct me to the town centre please?
Weeza faakin taaahn?
3. Oh my gosh, what is that over there?
Wu faakssat?
4. My boy/girlfriend has got a flash expensive car!
Me luvaz got un x r free I innit!
5. I don't like you much/you are probably my best friend!
Yu faakin kaaaant!
6. Can I please have one of of your cigarettes, as I've run out?
Gissaa faaaag?!
7. And the point you are trying to make is?
An' wot?
8. The cost of that is one pound!
Paand, maate!!!
9. Come over here and sit quietly, sweet child!
Oy, Kylee-Billee-Jo-Anisha-Bob, git ova ear an sidan yu leeeal kaant, afor I faakin slapyas!
737-
Hell is a place where ...
all the police are German;
the British are the chefs;
the Norwegians are the singers;
the French are in charge of organization;
the Australians are the lovers;
the Swiss run the navy;
the Americans are the brewers;
the Belgians put up the signposts;
all the comedians are Swedish;
the South Africans are in charge of racial integration;
the only logic is Irish;
the speech therapists are Scottish;
the Ethiopians are in charge of agricultural policy;
the Italians run the armed forces;
the Indians are in charge of birth control;
the tour companies are run by Icelanders;
all the economists are Brazilian;
the Serbs are in charge of human rights;
the Spanish are the road builders;
all the orphanages are run by Romanians;
...and the common language is Dutch;
Heaven is a place where ...
the Germans are in charge of the organization;
all the police are British;
all the environmentalists are Norwegian;
the French are the chefs;
the Swiss are the bankers;
all the salesmen are American;
the Belgians make the chocolate;
the Swedes are the lovers;
the goldmines are run by South Africans;
all the storytellers are Irish;
all the distillers are Scottish;
the opera singers are Italian;
the Danes are the brewers;
all the spices are provided by Indians;
the fishermen are Icelandic;
all the footballers are Brazilian;
the Spanish run the holiday resorts;
and the Dutch are the merchants.
738-
The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground! As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight. "Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!"
739-
Moshe, an up and coming actor, has been operated on in a Harley Street clinic to ‘straighten’ his nose. 5 days later, as the surgical cast from Moshe’s nose is being removed, his surgeon looks at the results and says, "Ah, a thing of beauty and a goy for ever."
740-
Moshe from Edgware builds one of the most advanced talking robots ever invented. This robot can answer just about any question asked of it, whatever the subject. Moshe announces his achievement in the Jewish Chronicle and invites scientists to the launch at the Golders Green Theatre. When the guests arrive, there stood the robot with a sign around its neck: -
ASK ME ANY QUESTION AND I’LL GIVE YOU THE CORRECT ANSWER
For the first 30 minutes, dozens of questions are asked and the robot always gives the correct answer. Everyone is amazed. Then Hymie goes up to the robot and asks, "Where, at this very moment, is my father?"
The robot immediately replies, "Your father is at present lying on the beach in front of the Dan Hotel in Tel Aviv accompanied by a gorgeous woman."
"Well you’re totally wrong," says Hymie. "My father is Aaron Minkoffsky and just before I arrived, I spoke to him on the phone. He’s at home with my mother in Edgware."
"Yes, it’s true that Aaron Minkoffsky is at home with your mother in Edgware," says the robot, "but your father is at present lying on the beach in front of the Dan Hotel in Tel Aviv accompanied by a gorgeous woman."
741-
The phone rings at a leading firm of solicitors.
"Levy, Minkoff and Rokenson," says the receptionist, in a professional voice, "can I help you?"
"Yes," says the caller, "can I speak to Mr Levy please?"
"Mr Levy is out of the office," says the receptionist, "this is Yom Kippur."
"OK, Ms Kippur, please could you tell him his car is fixed and he can now pick it up."
742-
During the National Spelling Bee recently in the nation's capital, Islamic spectators became outraged upon discovering that the USA was embedded in the middle of Jerusalem, Israel's holiest city.
The revelation was made by Douglas Levin, an eighth grader at the Joseph Lieberman Day School in Rockville
Centre. When young Levin was asked to spell the word Jerusalem, he replied:....J E R- USA - L E M
An audible gasp sounded from Muslim onlookers, who realized for the first time a USA presence in the holy city. Muslim parents immediately protested the spelling contest, citing American bias toward Israel.
'It's a clear violation of church and state,' said Mohammed Ahlee, lobbyist for the Arab group Holy Shiite. Bee officials quickly denied any wrongdoing, asserting that the Muslims were merely disgruntled because Rajeed
Raheed, a seventh grader from Al Kaydah Junior High, had been eliminated earlier for misspelling Afghanistan as
Afghanustan.
'There is no 'A-N-U-S' in the middle of Afghanistan,' said one bee official, 'unless you believe bin Laden is still hiding there.
743-
The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing the female Kentuckian patient. "Until the antibiotics clean out your infection, you are *not* to have any relations whatsoever!"
Pausing for a moment, the young woman patient replied, "Okay fer that 'un Doc, but what about friends 'n neighbours?"
744-
The sewer rat situation in New York was getting intolerable; the rats were multiplying like crazy and starting to do things like crawl up the pipes and bite people in the butt while they sat on the toilet. The Public Works Director decided it was time to declare all-out war on the rats.
So he calls in the superintendent of the sewer system and tells him to find five men who'd be willing to live in the sewers 24 hours a day fighting rats. "Gee, boss," says the superintendent, "No one's going to put up with those conditions." "No problem," says the Director. "Go out and find five Georgia Crackers and draft them. They're used to that kind of thing." The Director tells the superintendent to return with his men in a week to report on battle progress, and the superintendent takes off.
A week later the superintendent shows up in the Director's office. He's exhausted, bruised and scratched up, and all by himself. "I think we've lost the war," he says.
"What?! Where's the five Ethnics you drafted?" the Director asks.
"That's the problem," says the superintendent. "Three of them defected to the enemy, and the other two have left the army to settle down with the war brides they brought back!"
745-
A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields
Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man "Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!" (Don't drink the water. It's disgusting!)
The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.
Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and yelled..."Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!"(Don't drink. Water's disgusting. Sheep crap in the water.)
Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer.
Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said..."Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!" (Water's disgusting. Don't drink it!)
"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said dear boy! Can't you speak English???" said the man at the stream in an extremely fine English accent.
"Oh I see....," said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get plenty more in..."
746-
After many years, a Jewish mother gets the phone call she never thought she'd get from her openly gay son.
"Mum, I've met a wonderful girl. I'm going straight, and we're going to get married."
Mum is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good.
"I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish?"
Her son says, "Mum, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family."
Mum is beside herself with joy, and says, "You don't know how happy you've made me. What's her name?"
The son says, "Monica Lewinsky."
Mum is silent for a moment, and then says, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you used to date?"
747-
Our country..........Food for thought
After hearing that the state of SA changed its opinion and let a Muslim woman have her picture on her driver's license with her face covered this is an editorial written by an Australian citizen and recently published in a newspaper.
You HAVE to agree - He did quite a job... didn't he? Read on, please!
Quote: IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT.
I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians. However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia.
However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand.
This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has serve only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.
We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, Learn the language!
"In God We Trust" is our National Motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture. If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like 'A Fair Go,' then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet.
We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, Our Land, and Our Lifestyle, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this.
But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about our Flag, Our Pledge, Our National Motto, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, "THE RIGHT TO LEAVE".
I figure if we all keep passing this to our friends (or acquaintances) it will also, sooner or later get back to the complainers, lets all try, please.
No matter how many times you receive it please forward it to all you know.
Written by: A PROUD AND TRUE AUSSIE!!!!
748-
Moshe is the owner of “SHMATTERS R US (GOLDERS GREEN & PARIS) LIMITED”, a hugely successful chain of upmarket menswear shops. One day, Moshe calls in one of his staff and says, "Bernie, when you first joined the company, you started as tea boy. Then, within 3 weeks, I promoted you to assistant to the catering manager and 3 months later you became junior buyer. I promoted you again 6 months later to chief buyer and 2 years after that you became our General Manager. I’ve now decided to retire and after careful deliberation I’ve decided to give you my job as Chairman and Managing Director of the company. What do you say about that?"
"That’s fine," says Bernie.
"Is that all you’ve got to say?" asks Moshe.
"No, you’re right, I’m sorry," replies Bernie, "I should have said, ‘Thank you dad, that’s fine.’
749-
Naomi is shopping in Harrods and is looking for a new dress. She sees something she likes and calls over a salesman. "See that pale blue and grey wool designer dress on that dummy over there?" she says.
"Yes, I see it," he replies.
"Well, how much is it?" Naomi asks.
"Madam, that dress over there is £599," he replies.
"Oy veh," says Naomi, "I could get the same dress at Minky’s Shmatters in Hendon for only £50."
"But madam," says the salesman, "our dress is 100% pure English virgin wool, whereas I’m sure you’ll discover that the dress at Minky’s is made from recycled wool."
"So," replies Naomi, "for £549 extra, I should be caring what the lambs do at night?"
750-
In a nearly empty London bar on a filthy winter's day, there were several patrons quietly drinking when in comes your stereotypical American visitor, obviously unimpressed by the country, its weather and everything else about it.
He says loudly, "What a lousy country. The bars are shut half the time, it's cold, wet and windy, the beer tastes like piss and is served at the same temperature, the streets are packed and you can't even get a cab."
Several people quietly leave.
He looks at a gentleman quietly sipping a pink gin and says, "Hey, limey: how can you bear to live in such a miserable place?"
He is ignored, more people leave. After much more of this only the gentleman with the pink gin, the barman and the American are left.
He says, "Hey, limey, I'm talking to you. I've been to damn near every country in the world and this is the lousiest. I dunno how you can bear to live here. This country is just the arsehole of the world."
The gentleman with the pink gin pauses, takes another sip and, turning, delicately enquires of the American, "Oh, yes. Just passing through, are you?"
751-
Two executives working in the garment
centre are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life."
"What happened?" asks Birnbaum.
Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my rat brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!"
"You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my rat cousin accountant has been ripping me off for millions. To top it all off, when I came in to my office on Monday, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!"
"How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein. "It was identical!"
"You shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture menswear.
752-
A tourist is visiting Liverpool when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the bonnet..
About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his boot.
He runs around and yells, "Hey, mate this is my car!"
"Okay," the Scouser says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."
753-
Why did the nigger not want his daughter to marry a Mexican?
He didn’t want a grandchild too lazy to steal.
754-
Morty Rosenthal is a new member of the Golden Goose retirement community, and is passing the morning sunning himself on a bench near the garden.
Rebecca, out for her morning constitutional, sees Morty, and says "Do you mind?"
"Not at all" Morty says.
So Rebecca sits down on the opposite end of his bench.
"So nu, you're new here?" Rebecca asks rhetorically.
"Yes" Morty affirms.
"So nu, you are from where?" Rebecca inquires.
"Washington" Morty answers.
"The capitol or the state?" asks Rebecca.
"The state" replies Morty.
"So nu, how old are you?" Rebecca asks.
"I'll be 70 in October." Morty replies.
Not yet satisfied with the answers, Rebecca presses
on with "What did you do in Washington?"
"I was in prison" Morty retorts.
"Oy vey! Really?" says Rebecca. "What were you in prison for?"
"My wife of twenty years was always asking stupid questions, so I murdered her and put her down the garbage disposal" he says.
"Sooooo," purrs Rebecca, "you're single?"
755-
An Englishman is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Britain."
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Britain."
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
Englishman: "We don't. In Britain, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."
756-
Q: What's a Redneck's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the truck door.
757-
Many a Jewish girl is still single these days.
She just hasn't met Dr. Right yet.
758-
A Seven Step Guide For When You've Just Woken Up In The Gutter From A Very Big Night Out
1. Walk down one of the main streets of the city you happen to be in.
2. Turn left into a side street.
3. Turn left again into an alley. If there is no alley, you are in Hobart, possibly Perth.
4. If drug dealers are milling in the alley, you are probably in Adelaide, Sydney or Brisbane. If you are in Adelaide, buy up, let's face it
- if you're not stoned in Adelaide, there's not a lot else to do. If the drug dealer stabs you, however, you're in Sydney.
5. If you find that when you turned down the side alley you ended back up on the street you began on, you are in Canberra.
6. If the alley is filled with cool cafes and underground basement dance clubs that seemingly nobody knows about, you are in Melbourne.
7. If you left the city after turning into a side street, you are in Darwin. Don't worry about looking for the alley, just leave.
759-
Achmad came to the United States from Afghanistan, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor. The doctor said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Achmad took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! "What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."
760-
Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny asks, "Mummy, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him.
So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more black?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad ... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait until its dark and steal the fucking thing."
761-
A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms.
The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group.
The first person took offence at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!
762-
It was in the theatre; in the middle of the second half of the play suddenly Freda stood up and cried: Is there a Jewish Doctor in here?”
Someone from the front raw shouted: Yes, I’m a Doctor, what’s the matter, what happened?
Freda said: Do you want to meet my daughter?
763-
Yossi complains to his friend Moshe, I just can’t sell my car, two months in the classified, and not a single phone call!
Well said Moshe, What did you put in the ad?
Model 81’, no front head light, a dent on the bonnet, no air con, no radio, no ashtray, side window missing, needs a paint job
Moshe says Nu, no wonder no one called, take a pen and paper and write this down and he dictates to Yossi:
Vintage car for sale, lots of character, light on petrol, from a non smoker, open space plan, ideal for the imaginative executive!
After a week Moshe asked Yossi: So? Did you sell the car?
You mad in your head? said Yossi, why should I sell a car in a perfect condition like that?
764-
They say that during sex an average male loses about 250 calories, the average
Australian loses 1,250 calories, 250 during sex and a 1000 while he runs to tell his
friends.
765-
Real ads from Scottish lonely-hearts column.
Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08
Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box 06/03
Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.
Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41
Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87
Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32
Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No time wasters. Box 23/45
Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box40/27
Devil-worshipper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07
Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41
Govan man, 27, medium build, square heid, big moustache and curly hair, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm
Optimistic Perth man, 35, seeks a blonde 20-year-old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
766-
Bubba took his old duck to the vet, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.
The vet explained to Bubba that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food. "What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."
Bubba goes about his business and about a week later the vet runs into his patient.
"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the vet inquires.
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken Bubba. "I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the vet..
"No." lamented Bubba. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vice."
767-
Heaven is :
American salary
British house
Chinese food
Indian wife
Hell is :
Indian salary
Chinese house
British food
American wife
768-
A Brit, a Mick and a Frog are all working in Saudi Arabia. Alcohol is strictly against the law there and the nightlife is very limited. The Mick decides that they will liven things up by brewing their own. Unfortunately they eventually get caught and are hauled up in front of the Sheik. "Alcohol is strictly against my laws and as you have disobeyed me you will be punished," boomed the Sheik: "a hundred lashes for each of you! However, I have fond memories of Europe and I will grant you all one wish because of my sentimentality."
The Frog was 1st in line and when asked what wish he wanted he said with a smug grin: "Tie a pillow to my back..!"
A pillow was tied to his back and a huge Arab stepped up behind him with the whip. The pillow only lasted around 20 lashes before the whip cut through, after 80 the Frog passed out with the pain and was carried off to his cell.
Next up was the Mick, having seen what had happened to the Frog he was a bit panicked and not being the best at math¹s spluttered out: "Tie 2 pillows to my back" The sheik looked at him curiously and carried out his wish, ordering two pillows tied to his back. The punishment began and after only 40 lashes the whip cut through the pillows. The Mick still had 60 lashes left and didn't pass out but was moaning when the sheik counted to100 and Mick was dragged off back to his cell in a right state.
The sheik turned to the Brit, who looked remarkably relaxed considering his circumstances: "I visited England as a youth and found it to be a most beautiful place. For this reason I will grant you 2 wishes my friend," the sheik said. The Brit was surprised and said: "It was my doing, give me 300 lashes..." The sheik looked at the Brit with total admiration: "Not only are you an honest and honourable man you are also very brave my friend," the sheik commented: "and your second wish?" "Tie the Frog to my back ..!"
769-
Moshe loses his rare and valuable dog and advertises in the Jewish Chronicle offering a very generous £15,000 reward for its return. After a few days of no replies, he goes to the JC for some information. He says to the receptionist, "I'd like to see Jacob, the advertising manager, please."
"I’m sorry sir, but he's out," says the receptionist.
"OK, so how about his secretary?"
"She's out too, sir. In fact everyone from his department is out."
"Oy veh," says Moshe, "where is everybody?"
"They're all out looking for your dog."
770-
Mordechai, his wife and their three children have just finished their shopping in Brent Cross shopping centre and decide to get a taxi back home. So he hails a cab and says to the driver, "If you turn off the meter, how much will you charge to drive us to Edgware?"
"For you and your wife, I’ll charge just £12," says the taxi driver, "and I'll take the 3 children for free. Is that OK?"
Mordechai turns to his children and says, "Jump into the taxi, children, this nice man will take you home. Your mother and I will take the bus."
771-
A bit of Aussie computer culture
LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Queensland mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Chip Shop.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from Tesco
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What hold's the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough
772-
An Irishman goes into a pub in London with a little man, 6 inches tall, in his shirt pocket. He says to the barman, "I'd like a pint of Guinness for meself and a thimble of Guinness for me friend."
The barman says, "Blimey, what've you got there, Paddy? Is it a little Irish leprechaun?"
Paddy answers, "No, it's an Englishman with the shit kicked out of him."
773-
A black guy, Indian, and cowboy are in a bar.
The Indian takes a shot of whiskey and says,
"Once we were MANY, but now we are FEW."
The black guy takes a slug of whiskey and says,
"Once we were FEW but now we are MANY!"
The cowboy looks over at the black guy and says,
"Yeah, that's only because we've not played Cowboys and Niggers, yet."
774-
Jamaican Bus Ride!
Ever wonder what it would be like if Jamaican buses were set up like airlines, with the flight attendant and captain giving safety instructions. Bus driver: (speaking on the intercom): Welcome to Bus numba farty running from Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct yuh attention to di ConDocta who will instruc' yuh on our safety and model features.
ConDocta: Hail up massive! We want yuh fi know dat yuh a ride pon di safes' bus dat run pon di Papine to Downtown route. The moggle of our bus is a 1980 Encava, own and operate by Rough Rider Transports. Dis moggle can survive any adversities an' cantravasies. As unnu can si, dis bus get nuff lick up an' bad man shot it up nuff time an' it still a drive like new! This bus seat up to 55 passenger; howeva, due to fi we commitment to excellent service, we no leave anybady straddling ina di streets. So expect to 'ave up to 140 people in yah by di
time we reach downtown. Durin' di journey we may encounta unexpected turbulences.......... dese are known as pot holes. In di case of a sudden bump please refrain fram bawlin' out "Lard Jesus mi dead now!" Our driva is an experience driva an' will mek sure di axle an' wheel nuh bruck aff ina one a dem. But in case we drap inna one an ca'an come out. Please do not climb troo di window dem til unnu pay unnu bus fare.......or I will shat unnu wid mi M16. Dis bus no equip wid seat belt. Please hole on pon di railin' when di bus
tun di carna dem. De bus is capable of drivin' pon 2 wheels ' roun' all carnas an' bends. When di bus a tun a wicked carna pon 2 wheels, wi ask dat seated passengers bear it if sumbaddi slide dung inna dem seat an' squash yuh gainst di bus side. We seated passengers may experience standin' passengers losin' dem balance an' falling ova pon unnu ... please no yell out, "ey batty bway, coom aff a mi lap!" Dat might cause a serious shoot out! On exiting de bus please don' expect di bus to come to a full stop. Wi askin' dat yuh hop aff a di bus an' step
skillfull .... if unnu drap an lan' pon unnu backside an' bruck sumting, Rough Rider nuh responsible. Dis is NOT a non-stop journey. As a matta a fact wi stop any which part wi waan fi stop, at every yaad gate - all ina miggle a di road wi stop. Howeva dis bus nuh stop fi police ... in case of an unexpected police chase, the driva will be forced to increase de bus' normal speed from 100 mph to 160 mph. Yuh will be instructed to hole on tight an shet unnu mout. In case dis bus is hijacked by a teroris' known as "Pickpocket", hole on pon di theif an' murda 'im rass. Dat said, if wi reach downtown inna wan piece please prepare fi new passenger fi shoob unnu dung before unnu can get aff. Noh mine dem ...... seat kina ration. Tank yuh for tekin' di Iriest Rough Rider Encava pon di route.... and hope
yuh enjoy di ride. DRIVA - PRESS OUT!
775-
A researcher is doing a study on the sexual habits of trailer park denizens in Alabama. He finds one family with 12 kids, and decides to ask the mother some questions.
"Ma'am," he asks, "Don't take this the wrong way, but do you know anything about contraceptives?"
"What the hell're yu a talkin' bout?" is her dumbfounded reply.
"Okay, well, for instance... what do you and your husband use when you're having sex? Do you use condoms? A diaphragm? IUD?"
"Nah," she replies. "We get along fine just a usin' my ol'man's dick!"
776-
You know you're in South Africa when .....
* The main headline of the TV news is the opinion of an unemployed squatter who spik inglish no good and dimunds that the head of Anglo American resigns or faces the consequences.
* You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.
* The student Union dimunds that the academic achievement shouldn't be a criterion for university acceptance, as it is discriminatory.
* Landlords may not evict illegal squatters unless they offer them alternative accommodation.
* Protest-marching strikers trash everything in their path and that's okay, but a peaceful gay rights march is condemned.
* Post office workers are videotaped opening the mail and stealing the contents, but the film may not be used in evidence, because the workers were not informed that they were being filmed.
* A government Minister is caught driving her car with a forged licence, but the case is dropped for "lack of evidence."
* A minister of religion who stole millions from overseas-donated funds for the oppressed, returns to the country to a hero's welcome and is officially welcomed by the government.
* Government ministers meet with masked gang leaders to ask their advice on how to reduce crime and violence .
* Scholars protest at the lack of schooling facilities by destroying school buildings.
* Two tourist athletes are murdered in their beds and the president says it won't affect tourism.
* The entire country sees a thug admit on TV news to murdering several people, but the police say they have no case.
* Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.
* Your insurance is higher than the repayments on your car.
* You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.
* Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high.
* People start joking about the crime rate.
* The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported.
* You paint your car's registrations number on the roof in large letters.
* Afrikaans TV programmes are separated by a Xhosa announcement of the following Afrikaans program, and a Zulu advert.
* Minister is fired and returns the government cell phone , but keeps the G-number-plated Bee-Em.
* The currency takes a dive, and the previous government gets the blame.
* Students from Vaal Driehoek Technikon dimund that their debt is written off ........at Pretoria Technikon.
* A 45-year-old engineer gets replaced by a 25-year-old who cannot write his own name.
* The employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.
* 10% of the city's population pays for everyone else's electricity and water supply, and get prosecuted if they refuse to pay.
* A murderer gets a 2 year sentence and a pirate TV viewer a 6 months sentence.
* The prisoners strike.
* Crime actually DOES pay.
* People are allowed to reclaim land ( for free ) that's been BOUGHT from their forefathers.
* The government GIVES people houses, and they complain by setting fire to them.
* You realise after watching the news on TV that nothing happened in the rest of the world.
* They bring in the innovative idea of selling scratch cards to alleviate congestion in post office queues.
* You are expected to carry a driver's licence that doesn't fit into your wallet.
* You have to prove you don't need a loan to get one.
* A shop clerk makes you feel as if he/she is doing you a favour by letting you buy from their shop.
* You no longer request anything you "DIMUND " it.
* You know what "vowlence" is.
* A Minibus taxi passes you, just to stop right in front of you.
* Where the road narrows, the guy to the rear of you has the right of way.
777-
How do you tell if you're in a redneck Amish neighbourhood?
By the dead horses on cinder blocks in the front yard...
778-
A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
779-
It’s well known that there’s a lot of inbreeding in the southern states of the US.
Hence the greeting that is normal amongst buddies.......”Hi guys, give me six”
780-
Q. What's the difference between a Russian whore
and her mother?
A. About $12
781-
Ruth's baby boy is born with only one eyelid. "Oy veh! What am I going to do?" she says to her doctor.
"Don't worry," he replies, "after the bris, we will take the little bit of skin from down there and make him a nice new eyelid."
"But if you do that," says Ruth, "won’t it will make him cockeyed?"
"On the contrary," says the doctor, "it will give him good foresight."
782-
Jake Bloom and his parents are sitting in the lounge and listening to the matchmaker:
She’s a bit short sighted” said the matchmaker cautiously
That’s Okay, I don’t really care said Jake
The matchmaker gathered some encouragement said: “She limps, but only on the left foot
Nu, that’s also doesn’t really matter
She’s slightly deaf added the matchmaker
Jake said: Well, it doesn’t make any difference to me
His parents explode: What’s wrong with you? Nothing matters to you? Don’t you care?
No, I don’t care” said Jake Whoever’s taking her should care, not me
783-
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....
English.....I Love You
Spanish.....Te Amo
French.....Je T'aime
German.....lch Liebe Dich
Japanese.....Ai Shite Imasu
Italian.....Ti Amo
Chinese.....Wo Ai Ni
Swedish.....Jag Alskar
Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, parts of Florida.....Nice Ass, Get in the truck
784-
A Jewish guy is riding in a cab when they see a guy kicking a woman who's lying on the sidewalk.
The cabbie zooms over, jumps out, and runs to help the lady.
The Jewish guy rolls down the window, and starts yelling, "Stop it! Stop it! Stop the meter!"
785-
All his life, Cohen has wanted to own an elegant, made-to-measure hand-tailored suit with all the exacting details not found in an ordinary off the rack model. But he was a little guy, not very successful in business, and could never afford one. Later in life, however, things took a turn for the better and he eventually managed to set aside enough money to finally make his impossible dream come true, and he goes off to a very expensive tailor to get fitted. The great day comes, the suit is finally ready, it's gorgeous, it fits like you wouldn't believe. And... so many "extras!" He proudly wears it home, and can hardly wait for Mrs. Cohen to see him in his elegant new
splendour.
"Oy, is she in for a surprise!" he thinks. When he walks into the living room, she's reading the paper. "Mama, I'm home." cheerfully announces Cohen. She glances up, grunts, "Ehh", and goes back to her paper. He tries again, "Look, Mama vot I got on, a whole brand new hand- tailored suit."
Again, short-shrift from Mrs Cohen, "Ehh." He goes on, "And, look, hand-stitched lapels yet." Another, "Ehh." Undaunted, the poor schlep, trying vainly to impress her, says, "And, Mama, take a good substantial look at dis...on de full-pleated
pants...a full length, easy sliding zipper like you've never seen on my pants before!"
Mrs. Cohen finally looks up and answers, "So? Schwartz, next door, has a two car garage, and vot comes out? A bicycle!"
786-
We have been informed that the Arabs do not like to be called "towel heads". The item they wear on their heads is actually a small sheet. Effective immediately, please call them "little sheet heads." Thank you for your cooperation.
787-
How does an Israeli cook book begin?
"First, take a deep breath and CALM DOWN!"
788-
Q: What is the definition of a Jewish
ménage a trois?
A: Two headaches and a hard-on.
789-
Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different place: Idaho, Nebraska, Texas, and Mexico. Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window. What the hell are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan. "We have so many of these damn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!" A moment later, the woman from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the
window. "What are you doing that for?" asked the Texan . "We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!" Inspired by this, the woman from Texas opened the car door and pushed the Mexican out.
790-
Welsh Films
Dial M for Merthyr
The Magic Rhonddabout
91/2 Leeks
Sheepless in Seattle
791-
Q. Why doesn't Pakistan ever make it to the world cup?
A. Every time they get a corner they put a shop on it
792-
I normally do not broach any discussions of a racial nature, however I do believe the recent conclusion of an important study by the World Council Of Bishops deserves mention. An often debated religious assumption has been officially accepted after many years of study. I refer to the depiction of Adam and Eve as being white.
There had been a long running controversy disputing that assumption because it is now quite
commonly assumed among the scientific community that the beginnings of human
civilization were in Africa.
With this fact established through the well documented discoveries of the world renown Leaky
family of anthropologists, the generally accepted belief that Adam and Eve were white flies in the face of genetic theory, basic common sense and the Darwin theory of Evolution, and recent anthropological discoveries.
So as you can see there was some concern amongst the various councils of the world's religious bodies, to in effect prove or disprove the lineage from our Adam and Eve
forebears.
After over ten years of exhaustive search and thoroughly investigating each and every clue in the deepest recesses and the darkest parts of this planet, the complete examination of all ancient manuscripts, epistles, parchments and written history in the libraries, and religious depositories throughout the Christian, Moslem and Asian worlds a conclusive decision was reached by the appointed investigating committee..
It has been positively stated by the Council Of Bishops that Adam and Eve, the original
children of God and the sole human occupants of Paradise were most definitely white because the investigating committee for the Council Of Bishops accepted the conclusive proof that there existed no evidence anywhere, that anyone has, under any circumstances, . . .ever been able to take away a rib from a black man.
793-
Five Jewish men who influenced the history of Western civilization.
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.
794-
Two Jewish cannibals are stewing a pot of food over a fire.
"Oy veh," says the first cannibal, "I really do hate my mother-in-law."
The second cannibal replies, "Nu? So leave her and just drink the chicken soup and lockshen."
795-
Patrick and Seamus, both Dublin mechanical engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Patrick "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, made a measurement, announced: "5 metres!" and walked away.
Seamus shook his head and laughed: "Ain't that just like a blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
796-
Why do blacks wear baggy trousers?
Cause their knee grows.
797-
COMPUTER DICTIONARY FOR REDNECKS
BAR CODE- The fightin' rules down at the local tavern.
CACHE- What you need when you run out of food stamps.
CHIPS- Pasture muffins you try NOT to step in.
DISKETTE- Female disco dancer.
HACKER- Uncle LeRoy after 32 years of smokin'.
HARDCOPY- Picture looked at when pickin' out a tattoo.
INTERNET- Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
KEYBOARD- Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MEGAHERTZ- How your head feels after too many beers.
MODEM- What you did when the weeds got too tall.
NETWORK- Scoopin' up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ONLINE- Where to stay when takin' a sobriety test.
ROM- Where the Pope lives.
SERIAL PORT- A red wine you drink for breakfast.
SUPERCONDUCTOR- AmTrak's employee of the year.
VIRUS - what gives you the sniffles
ANTI-VIRUS PROGRAM - a jug of moonshine every day
798-
Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee, looking really down in the dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what the problem was. Thibodeaux told Boudreaux, "Well, me and Clothile done had our first fight last night."
Boudreaux says, "Aw, dat's too bad. What y'all had a fight about?"
Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope."
Boudreaux says, "Mais, Thib, why did you do that? You knows dat Clothile is Catholic."
Thibodeaux replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn't know de Pope was too."
799-
Ole & Lena lived on a lake in Nordern Minneesoda. It was near the end of winter, and spring was yust beginning.
Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across the frozen lake to the yeneral store to pick up some tobacco. She asked for some money, but he told her to "Yust put it on our tab".
So she valked across, got the tobacco & valked back. Then she asked Ole "Vhy didn't you send me with any money?".
Ole replied, "Vell, I vasn't going to send any money ven I vasn't sure how tik the fokin' ice vas."
800-
After years of expensive and dangerous work on the site of the Titanic
sinking Irish experts have finally raised the iceberg.
801-
It was announced this week in Dublin that the Irish Doomsday Book is in fact a forgery.
This was the conclusion after six months study by typewriting experts.
802-
France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." --Norman Schwartzkopf
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." ---- Marge Simpson
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."---Rush Limbaugh,
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."--- Regis Philbin
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." --- P.J O'Rourke (1989)
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
"I don't know why people were surprised that France wouldn't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"---Jay Leno
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."--David Letterman
How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
803-
A Pakistani goes into a chemist’s shop and says “I’ve got a terrible headache, can you give me something for it?”
The chemist replies that he needs aspirin and sells him a bottle.
Two minutes later the chemist realises he’s made a big mistake and runs out of the shop to find the Pakistani.
He catches up with him on the street corner and says “I’ve made a terrible mistake, I’ve given you arsenic instead of aspirin”
The Pakistani says “What’s the difference?”
The chemist says “£2.50”
804-
There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.
The Warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."
Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did.
Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
"You guys are so stupid.....I'm wearing a condom."
805-
Morris is passing by VOT-LOVELY MEN’S WEAR when he sees a sign in their window,
JACKETS – SPECIAL PRICE - £250.
So he goes inside. Moshe, the assistant on duty, goes over to Morris and says, "Can I be of help, sir?"
"Yes you can," replies Morris, "I’d like you to make me a Beatles jacket."
"A Beatles jacket? I don’t know what that is exactly," says Moshe. "Can you describe it to me?"
"Of course," says Morris.
So Moshe takes out his note book and starts to make notes.
"It’s like an ordinary jacket," says Morris "but this one has no collar. Neither does it have a lining … or buttons … or button holes. It doesn’t even have lapels."
"Is that it?" asks Moshe.
"Yes," replies Morris. "So nu? How much will such a jacket cost?"
"For you," replies Moshe, "such a jacket will cost £350."
"But your sign outside says, JACKETS – SPECIAL PRICE - £250," says Morris.
"I know it does," says Moshe, "but with all the extras you’ve asked for ….."
806-
Hymie and Bernie, both in their 90s, live in a retirement home in Edgware. One Friday, Hymie gets up very early, extracts the Jewish Chronicle newspaper from under his door, and goes down to the lounge to read it. He opens the paper, turns to the obituaries page and gets the shock of his life. There, on page 43, is his own obituary! Even though he quickly realises that it’s an error, it both excites him and upsets him. He has to tell someone, so he goes to reception and uses the internal phone to call Bernie’s room.
After the phone has been ringing for nearly a minute, Bernie finally picks it up and says, sleepily, "Which meshuggeneh is ringing me so early, already?"
"Bernie, are you up yet?" shouts Hymie, excitedly.
"Well I am now, aren’t I?" replies Bernie.
"Bernie," shouts Hymie, "go pick up your Jewish Chronicle and turn to page 43."
"Why, what’s so important in the paper that I should do this?" asks Bernie.
"Bernie, don’t argue with me. Go get the paper and turn to page 43 and do it now," shouts Hymie.
"OK, I've got the paper already," says Bernie, "so what am I looking for?"
"Bernie, turn to page 43 and look at the bottom of column 4," shouts Hymie.
"Alright, already," says Bernie, "I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling at me."
"OK," says Hymie, "but read it now."
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then, following a long silence, Bernie gets back on the phone and quietly asks, "Hymie, so where are you calling me from right now?"
807-
Extracts from the problem page of the famous Australian men's magazine "Cobbler's", starring the legendary "Uncle Bruce,"... the " agony aunt with Balls"
Q. Dear Bruce I have some lucky condoms that I keep in my wallet. I am beginning to wonder if they really are lucky as they have been there for two months. A. Jesus mate, no worries. Men only use rubbers when they are sober anyway. Guess that means you've been pissed for two months which makes you one lucky bastard! Just on a medical note rubbers are good when you do an Abo as they are smelly bastards, Oh and Roos too, helps avoid bush rash.
Q. Dear Bruce my girlfriend got upset when I suggested I use an old girlfriend's vibrator on her. A. No worries. I've seen this before. Women need reassuring. Tell the stupid bitch that you have cleaned it since you last used it. Sometimes Sheila's get hung up on hygiene.
Q. Dear Bruce I gave my sister one up the shitter and now she wants me to do her mate. A. Eh mate you're from Melbourne right? No worries mate, as long as her mate is a Sheila it's ok.
Q. Dear Bruce, After my last Hockey game I got an erection in the showers. Is this normal , I am a single guy and like girls. A. Nah mate you're queer. Only queers play hockey.
Q .Dear Bruce, my wife says I don't use enough lubricant before we have sex. A. Exactly how many beers are you drinking before you root her ?
Q. Dear Bruce , I am beginning to suspect I am gay. I wear leather trousers and have just grown a Freddie Mercury moustache. I don't know who to turn to. A. Get a grip of yourself man. Face facts, be logical: You're queer, no one likes you , get a gun, blow your brains out.
Q. Dear Bruce my girl friend says we don't do enough foreplay. A. Geez mate, you had me stumped for a bit. I didn't recognise the word Foreplay. Then it struck me, Fore is what you shout in golf.. Jeez guy, men don't play golf with women but it's ok for her practice putting with your dick.
Q. Dear Bruce, I fooled around with a Kiwi and now I have a dose. What do I do ? A. Deny ,deny, deny, deny, deny and never ever ,ever, ever ,ever admit to going with a kiwi.
Q. Bruce the boys are telling me there is such a thing as Dingo sex. What is it ? A. There are two types. The first one when you wake up next to a
fucking ugly Sheila and you chew your arm off to escape rather than wake her, just like a dingo caught in a trap, and the other one is when you drink too much and your old boy it Dingo in and dingo hard.
808-
The following are genuine extracts of letters received by the MINISTRY OF LABOUR (SOUTH AFRICA) from people enquiring after money on the grounds of hardship. They are exact copies as they were received. Neither the wording nor the spelling has been altered.
1. I am glad to state that my husband died yesterday. I will be glad if you get me a pension. If you don't hurry up I will have to get public resistance.
2. I am enclosing my marriage certificate with three children. One of then is a mistake as you can see when you look into it. I am writing to say my youngest son is born two years old. Why not getting allowances for it.
3. I am enclosing certificate with six childran. One of them twins died. You asked if he is christened: yes he was baptised on half a sheet of paper by a certain Captain in the Salvation Army.
4. The man I live with won't work and he wants to know if my husband is dead. Will you please search through your records office for him and let me know.
5. In accordance with your Instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
6. I want money as badly as quisk as you can send it. I have been in bed under the doctor for weeks and he doesn't seem to be doing me any good. If things don't improve I shall have another doctor.
7. Milk is needed for my baby. Father is unable to supply it.
8. Re your dental enquiry, the teeth at the top are still alright, but the ones in my bottom are hurting me terrible.
9. Please send me a form for cheap milk. I have a baby 2 month old and did not know about it until the neighbour told me.
10. My son is unable to attend school. He has had diarrhoea through a hole in his shoe.
809-
London Translations
1. Excuse me sir
Oy yoooo kaaaant
2. Could you direct me to the town centre please?
Weeza faakin taaahn?
3. Oh my gosh, what is that over there?
Wu faakssat?
4. My boy/girlfriend has got a flash expensive car!
Me luvaz got un x r free I innit!
5. I don't like you much/you are probably my best friend!
Yu faakin kaaaant!
6. Can I please have one of of your cigarettes, as I've run out?!
Gissaa faaaag?!
7. And the point you are trying to make is?
An' wot?
8. The cost of that is one pound!
Paand, maate!!!
9. Come over here and sit quietly, sweet child!
Oy, Kylee-Billee-Jo-Anisha-Bob, git ova ear an sidan yu leeeal kaant, afor I faakin slapyas!
810-
Forty-three percent of all Americans say that immigration is a serious problem.
The other 57 percent said, "No hablo inglés"
811-
Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...
Archie nods approvingly.
"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie,
"That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that! "And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
812-
What do you call one hundred black men standing in a field?
Old farm machinery
813-
An Alabama redneck was sittin' on the sofa, with his half naked woman, watching the news from San Francisco. "Jus' look at them homo-sexshuals. They're ruining the country. with men marryin' men, and women marryin' women. It's disgustin. Darlin', we oughta' go out there and protest! Don't you think so?"
She replied, "Yes, Daddy."
814-
Thoughts from Oz
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte and grand final day. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's
"liveable".
Next, there's NSW. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
We, the Lullaby League of Oz, are united, primarily by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder.
We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.
We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Desirable, sure. But fair? Not when you consider Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and runs the bloody country. Not that we're whingeing.
We've chucked out the concept of "fair go" in the downsized '90s. Instead, we want to make "no worries" our national phrase.
We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning, in the same breath.
We treasure our politicians, who talk about listening with such persistence it's hard to get a word in. We tolerate our Prime Minister, who is not only short but a Methodist, hanging offences in decent countries. And we like watching Parliament on TV because Natasha Stott Despoja is a total spunkrat.
We, the wicked witches of the land of Oz, want to make it clear this continent is ours and always has been. Mind you, Liberal Party polling shows that there were some people here before Captain Cook so we should address the issue once and for all.
While possession is nine-tenths of the law, our ancestors were fortunate enough to discover that genocide, cultural extinguishment, baby theft and flour poisoning make up the other tenth.
So Oz is now ours and that's that. Our midget Methodist master says we have no reason to feel sorry for killing more Aborigines per capita than the Nazis did Jews and Liberal Party polling says we're OK with that.
Why don't we say sorry? In the words of our PM - because, because, because, because, because. Now, can we just drop the whole thing before the Olympics start?
Phew, with that nasty bit out of the way, we the Brain, the Heart and the Nerve of Oz, want the world to know we have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.
We don't know much about art but we know we hate the people who make it. We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at least we're better than the Kiwis.
Now bugger off, we're sleeping.
815-
Jeremy and Nathan meet in the Post Office whilst they queue for their pensions. Nathan says, "Did you hear what happened to Hymie Himmelfarb?"
"You mean Hymie Himmelfarb with the smokers cough?" asks Jeremy.
"Yes, that's the one," replies Nathan.
"Hymie Himmelfarb with the gout and double hernia?" asks Jeremy.
"Yes, that’s him, Jeremy," replies Nathan.
"Hymie Himmelfarb with the blotchy skin and who’s always fainting?" asks Jeremy.
"Yes, him, but alright with the questions already," replies Nathan.
"No, I didn't hear about Hymie Himmelfarb," says Jeremy. "So what happened to Hymie?"
"He died yesterday," replies Nathan.
"Oy vey! And he was such a healthy man," says Jeremy.
816-
Whenever Freda goes shopping, she carefully scrutinizes everything she buys and always battles to get the best deals. Today is the turn of the local delicatessen. As soon as she enters the shop, she looks around and puts a few items in her trolley. Then she goes over to the cash desk and says to the owner, "I don't like the look of this whitefish of yours."
"Lady," says the owner, "if you’re buying for looks, then don't buy whitefish. Buy goldfish instead."
"Clever doesn’t suit you," she replies sarcastically, "but I’ll take it."
Then pointing to the chicken in her basket, she says, "And what about this here chicken, it has a broken leg."
"Look lady," says the owner, "do you want to eat it or dance with it?"
"Ha Ha, very funny you’re not," says Freda. "OK. But before you weigh the chicken, I want you to take out the bones."
"Listen lady," says the owner, "Because I buy with bones, you'll buy with bones."
"But I never pay for chicken with bones," says Freda.
"OK," says the owner, "no bones, then," as he starts removing the bones.
"Thank you," says Freda smiling, "you’re a mensh. Now put the bones in a separate bag for soup. Oh…and never mind the flesh - I don't like your chicken anyway."
817-
Why did the hillbilly cross the road?
His dick was stuck in a chicken.
818-
What does a hillbilly say after sex?
Get off me Pa, you're crushing my smokes
819-
Selma telephones home with some exciting news:
"Mama, I got married." "Mazel Tov," says Mama.
"I might as well tell you, Mama, he's not of our Faith." "So he's a goy. But am I prejudiced?"
"But, Mama, he's also black." "So he's a schvartzeh. By me, everybody should be tolerant."
"Well, frankly, Mama, he's also unemployed." "So, you'll support him. A wife should help her husband."
"But, Mama, we have no place to live." "Don't worry, Selma, dear. You'll move in with us."
"But Mama, you have only one bedroom." "That's okay. You and your husband can have the bedroom."
"Yes, Mama, but where will you and Papa sleep?" "Papa can sleep on the couch in the living room."
"Yes, Mama, but where will *you* sleep?"
"Selma, dear, about me you don't need to worry. The minute I get off the phone... I'm going to drop dead."
820-
Man walks into a shop in Liverpool:
Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?
Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?
821-
A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his class and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year as a people. Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,692nd year as a people. Now what does it mean to you?"
After a moment of silence, a chubby student raised his hand. "Yes, David," the teacher said. "What does it mean?"
"Well," David replied "It means that the Jews had to go without Chinese food for 1,067 years."
822-
The Polack was getting friendly with the woman at the bar. She rubbed up against him and, to her surprise, she felt something thick and rock hard. She invited him back to her place and took him into the bedroom. but when he pulled off his pants, she was shocked to see a foot long length of steel pipe between his legs.
"How did you get that?" she demanded.
The Polack said, " A couple of months ago I noticed my prick was dripping."
She asked, " So you went to a doctor?"
"The doctor was too expensive. So I called a plumber."
823-
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt. If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
I regret I cannot," lamented the first Arab: "it is permanently stuck in my butt." "I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?"
God Bless America !
824-
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes.
825-
All we ever hear are Jewish jokes, so here are some Gentile jokes:
1 A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says: "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?" The salesman says: "It's $500." The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."
2 A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it." His mother says: "OK."
3 Two Gentiles meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?" The other Gentile says, "Just great! Thanks for asking!"
4 Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children. Gentile mother 1 (said with pride): "My son is a construction worker!"
Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride): "My son is a truck driver!"
826-
Gestures
When working at a foreign business, it's important to learn the customs and body language of your new associates. Here are the most commonly misinterpreted gestures in other cultures, and what they mean:
Nigeria: Eye contact in restroom legally transfers bicycle ownership
Ukraine: Smiling means you successfully fixed a national election
Thailand: Closed fist moved up-and-down in a "wanking" motion can be misinterpreted as "You are a good little boy and are working very hard to make the sailors happy around the 'house'"
Sudan: Twiddling your thumbs means you are bragging that the warlords have yet to cut off your thumbs
Germany: Shaking your head communicates "I was unimpressed by your avantgarde one-man show last night"
Dominican Republic: Scratching your forearm and adjusting your shirt-sleeve can be misinterpreted as the hit-and-run sign
Angola: International sign for choking equals "Hello" International: While both fists thrust forward with the index and pinkie fingers extended means "Metallica!!!" in North America, it means "Sepultura!!!" in Central/South America and "Turbonegro!!!" in Europe
827-
I cross ocean, poor and broke.
Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there.
Say I need to see welfare.
Welfare say, "You come no more,
we send cash right to your door."
Welfare cheques - they make you wealthy!
NHS - it keep you healthy!
By and by, I got plenty money.
Thanks to you, British dummy!
Write to friends in motherland.
Tell them "come fast as you can."
They come in turbans and Ford trucks.
I buy big house with welfare bucks!
They come here, we live together.
More welfare cheques, it gets better!
Fourteen families, they moving in,
but neighbour's patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away.
Now I buy his house, then I say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.
Everything is very good,
and soon we own the neighbourhood.
We have hobby, it's called breeding.
Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!
Britain crazy! They pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.
We think UK darn good place.
Too darn good for the white man race!
If they no like us, they can scram.
Got lots of room in Pakistan!
828-
A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, -$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!" The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?" The Indian says, "Yes." The cowboy hands him a five and says, "You're on!" The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "You're from Wyoming." The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away. A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "You're from Montana!" The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away. The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five-dollar bill and says, "Do your stuff!" The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian. The Indian finally says, "You're from Arkansas!" The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?" The Indian replies, "By the wool on your zipper."
829-
What Will Happen If South Africa Is Attacked In A 9/11 Style Attack?
Well.... if that happens, there can be no comparison whatsoever.
That's because in S.A we are much better prepared for these kinds of attacks.
No. 1. We do not construct exaggerated elevated high-rise buildings these days; squatter camps and duplexes are the order of the day.
No 2. We ALL get stuck in traffic in the morning, so at 8.45am the buildings would still be empty.
No. 3. Our prestigious fire fighters and police officers will do their utmost not to get to the spot in time, and will arrive loud and clear just after everything is over, so there will be no casualties amongst them.
No. 4. Johannesburg International Airport would surely have fouled up the terrorist's plans by delaying the planes.
No. 5. A South African would never let a terrorist hijack a plane. He would tell him "Jou ma se @*&% ..", beat him up, rob him and the word would spread about how bad he got it, quicker than a CNN/BBC broadcast. (later, he will also be used for police dog training).
No. 6. A South African would not have used his cell phone to call home ( NO WAYS ); more efficiently he will rather send a "Please call me". A cell phone is used to defend oneself. A REAL South African would have hit the terrorist over the head with it...then steal his terrorist weapons and sell it for dagga money .
And Finally:
If a terrorist ever lived in South Africa for one year and one year only, he would have been robbed and molested so many times that he would have given up and gone back home a long time ago...then get shot in the taxi, get robbed of his passport and credit cards, attempt to flee the gunfire, and get arrested by the cops later for vagrancy.
830-
Renee is a very caring lady who spends a lot of her spare time visiting and helping sick members of her shul. Her car is also well known in the community because it’s decorated all over with lots of Hebrew decals and bumper stickers showing the Jewish charities she helps.
One day, as she is driving to one of the care homes she regularly visits, her car runs out of petrol and splutters to a stop. "Oy veh," she says to herself, "and just when I’m late."
Fortunately, she notices a petrol station only a few hundred yards away, so she walks to the station to get help. "Hi," Renee says to the man behind the till, "I’ve run out of petrol and I’m hoping you can lend me your petrol can. I’ll pay you for the petrol I use and I’ll return your can as quickly as possible."
The attendant replies, "I’m sorry, lady, but I’ve lent out my one and only can not more than 5 minutes ago. I’m expecting it back in about half an hour, so if you want, you can wait here for it."
But as she’s behind schedule, Renee goes back to her car to find something that she could use to fill with petrol. Then, what mazel, she notices the bedpan she always keeps handy in case of patient need. So she takes the bedpan to the petrol station, fills it and carries it back to her car.
Two men are passing by and watch her pour in the petrol. One turns to the other and says, "If the car starts, I'm turning Jewish."
831-
Abe owns a thriving men’s wear shop in Golders Green, but his prosperity starts to weaken when a competitor opens a shop next door to his on his left. Then, a month later, things get even worse when another competitor opens a shop next door to his on his right. "Oy veh," he says to himself, "three men’s wear shops in a row is nothing but bad news." But then, two months later, things start to look up. The competitor on his left has put up a sign in his window saying: -
SALE. MUST CLOSE. QUALITY CLOTHING. LOWEST PRICES.
Then, a week later, the competitor on his right puts up a sign saying: - BANKRUPT. CLOSING DOWN SALE. EVERYTHING LESS THAN COST
So Abe immediately puts up a big sign over the front door to his shop: - MAIN ENTRANCE TO THE BIG SALE
832-
Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed in bed thinking about my dream until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"
The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and some coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"
833-
The REAL Story Behind the Name Canada
The Spanish Conquistadores were making a map of their colonies
(they owned all of America, South and North). They started drawing in the lines from down south -- territory they knew well -- and worked their way up.
Everything was going fine until they got to the New York area. "Hey, what's up there?" the map maker asked the governor, pointing to the vast emptiness above the Great Lakes.
The governor answered: "Here? (in Spanish: "Aca?"). Nothing (in Spanish: "Nada"). Hence the great blank emptiness became known as ACA-NADA, or in English, "There ain't nothin' here."
Which, as anyone who has lived in Canada will testify, is pretty darned close to the truth. Eh?
834-
An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case.
He returns home, and his wife says -- "So? What did the doctor say?"
"The doctor says I have a flucky."
"Oy veh A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?"
"I don't know -- he didn't say, and I forgot to ask."
Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her
neighbours "My husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!"
Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Cold is the best thing for a flucky."
Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky!
We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."
Cold, heat! Oy! Now thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"
"I told him ... nothing's wrong. He got OFF LUCKY!"
835-
Cape Town - From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopaedia - http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Cape_Town
Cape Town is a city on the coast of South Africa, so called because the wearing of capes or cloaks is compulsory within the city limits. Founded by Batman on his way to Melbourne from Holland in 1652. Cape Town is also called "The mother city", believed to be due to the highly expressive vocabulary of the local dialect (in which the words "your mother" feature regularly) and the cheap and nasty (but potent) local wine. A different school of thought believes the origin of the name lies in the fact that it takes 9 months to do anything in this sleepy hollow.
Cape Town is situated on a sandbar under Table Mountain (so called because unlike most mountains, it is flat) at the bottom end of Africa, on a peninsula that is often thought of as Africa's wang. By comparison, North America's wang, Florida, is longer, thicker and is less flaccid. Interestingly, Europe's 'wang' is Italy, and is in fact larger, longer and thicker than North America's, and as such has often been confused for a 'boot'. This is possibly the result of a vicious smear campaign started by insecure (and no doubt less well-endowed) American GI's who went to Italy during the 1940s in droves, presumably to eat pizza with fried eggs & bacon before Pizza Hut was available in their own country.
Cape Town became famous for the first successful heart transplant operation at its "Great Skewer" Hospital by Christian Barnyard, where a black man kindly donated his heart to a white man. And so the medical professionals decided to branch out into other trail-blazing forms of transplant. Despite many, many attempts at brain transplants these have been unsuccessful in managing to transfer an entire human brain. Only a very small fraction of brain has been successfully transferred, resulting in The Cabinet people.
Another revolutionary medical discovery is the cure for HIV. After much indepth research a cure to HIV was discovered which is both simple to administer and freely available - it is called "Showering" and involves standing under a flow of H2O and allowing these super nano-particles to magically remove the virus from inside the HIV sufferer. The highest
success rate of this treatment is found in the HIV negative portion of the population.
HIV is not however to be confused with a completely different disease called AIDS, which is also simple to cure. This is another discovery by the South African Medical Council, an organisation made up of highly qualified and much respected "Traditional Healers". They found, through
in-depth studies and testing, that in order to cure AIDS one should consume vast quantities of garlic and onion. Through the magic contained in these
vegetables they will cure the disease and prevent AIDS sufferers (and most other people too) from coming anywhere near a person.
Cape Town is neither as wealthy or as large as Johannesburg, so the inhabitants compensate with a superior attitude based on the claim that they were there first. Which none of them personally were, unless they are over 300 years old.
It is socially unacceptable for a Capetonian to talk to people that they have not previously talked to, which severely limits social interactions. If the opportunity should somehow present itself, a traditional Cape Town greeting is "Jou ma se poes", often abbreviated to "Jou ma", which means, roughly "Good day and good health to you and your good mother, sir!"
"Robin Island", in the bay, was named after Batman's faithful sidekick. Later it was renamed "Robbin' Island" and used as a jail, like Alcatraz but with colder water around it and more sharks in it. Nelson Mandela was imprisoned here for over 50 years, after being convicted of charges of failing to respect Prime Minister Koos van der Merwe's authority, and being black in a public place.
In 1994, after the revolution, it became legal to be black in a public place in Cape Town, but severe inequality still persists due to the fact that the white people still have most of the money, the best land, and big shiny German cars. Efforts to redress this historical imbalance are progressing well, particularly the "muggem" initiative.
Urban hazards include roaming lions, hyenas, crocodiles, the occasional hippopotamus in the rivers, great white sharks,
aggressive street vendors, tigers, three-headed giant mutant wombats and the locals. Watch out for endemic HIV, tuberculosis and leprosy.
Popular sports are homosexuality, pretentiousness, drunk driving, Pole-vaulting, French dressing and Mexican standoffs. The summer sport of setting fire to the mountainside is more popular with tourists than with locals, though all enjoy the cheerful spectacle of the flames and smoke. It is compulsory for all tourists to leave Cape Town with at least one wooden curio in the shape of a giraffe.
Industries are growing the cash crops of wine and marijuana, making mousetraps, drug abuse, watching paint dry, crime and mugging tourists (not generally considered to be a crime). Cape Town holds the record as the site of the largest car park in Cape Town.
Since 2006, the town council of Cape Town has embraced an "Amishisation" policy, and has turned its back on the use of electricity, declaring it a decadent bourgeois luxury. Electricity is slowly being phased out in a series of "power cuts", and it is to be replaced by the use of candles, paraffin lamps and fires for illumination and sing-alongs for entertainment.
Tourist attractions in Cape Town
Cape Town is the first place to boast an Invisible Bridge. However, the bridge is currently not in use as the city council refused to believe the claims of the construction company when they informed the council that they had developed a new building material which was stronger than steel but could not be seen by the human eye. The city council is said to have likened the bridge fiasco to "the
Emperor's New clothes" and claimed it was probably an ANC plot to kill whites. The contractors again attempted to convince the new post-apartheid city council of the bridge's existence but their official response was "Eish! I em not knowing what ees theees theeeng eees!"
Roads Memorial celebrates the fact that Cape Town is where roads were invented. This is delightfully done by means of a
monument which includes important tools to road-making such as lions, a man with a horse and some dude's head.
Bergies are Cape Town's world famous mountaineers who live on table mountain and often come down into the city to welcome foreigners with the traditional Capetonian greeting of "Jou maaaa se poooooes!"
Gesuipte dronk ma se vrot kak bitch poes voetsak jou naai These are the words my mother used to say to me just before I left for school each morning.
Djy was nie gebore, jy was uitgekak want haar poes was te besig! An old Cape vernacular saying, indicating respect for the receiver's mother's tireless efforts in raising her children.
836-
A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that used the name, Bubba. He went to court and changed his name.
The judge asked, "What name do you want it changed to?"
He said, "Candy."
The judge replied, "Candy? "C-A-N-D-Y is that right?"
"Yes that's right, your honor." said Bubba.
The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, your name is now, Candy."
He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard "who's there?" He said, "It's me!"
She said, "Come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."
He said, "It's not Bubba."
She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."
He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."
She asked, "What it is?"
He said, "Guess."
She said, "Leroy?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Johnny?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."
He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth."
She replied, "Oh!... Come on in, Dick
837-
Freda walks into MINKOFF THE BUTCHER and asks Harry for the freshest chicken he has. So Harry pulls out a chicken for her to inspect. Freda immediately gets to work. She starts by looking it over inside and out. She then sniffs it at both ends and continues to sniff all around it. Finally, she puts her nose inside the body cavity. Then Freda hands the chicken back to Harry and says, "You call this a fresh chicken?"
"Mrs Cohen," replies Harry, "you could pass such an inspection?"
838-
Dear Rabbi Levy,
Is it permissible to take Viagra on shabbes?
Regards
Moshe
My dear Moshe,
There are 2 differing thoughts on this. One is that it’s disallowed because it violates the law that forbids erecting a structure (boneh) on shabbes. However, I believe that one should read "boneh" as "boner" and thus it’s permitted to ingest Viagra on shabbes.
Looking at it another way, the taking of Viagra is permitted before sundown as long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than a half hour to complete, the children are asleep and your wife doesn't have a headache.
Regards
Rabbi Levy
839-
A school bus driver was carrying his usual load of racially mixed children from school one afternoon. As was the norm, the typical racial slandering was being tossed back and forth between the children.
This went on for quite some time, when the poor driver had finally gotten his fill of it.
"Black Banana Monkey!"
"Cracker!"
"Honky!"
"Porch Trash!"
Then, in a fit of rage, the bus driver screamed out, "Alright you mouthy bastards! All of you guys, off the bus!" as he parked the bus roadside.
As the kids filed off the bus, the driver cried, "Every stinkin' racist-brat, line up against the side of the bus!"
"I am sick and tired of all this bigotry, race hating, name calling crap! I'll stand for no more of it! From now on, you are no longer white or black, you are all green in my eyes! ....Green I say!
No more "matchstick" or "cotton-ball", you're all green! GREEN, GREEN, GREEN! Do you hear me? GREEN! All of you!
Now, I gotta finish my route and get you all back home, so get back on the bus, and the dark green ones sits in the back!"
840-
The redneck patient was being admonished by the doctor at the local health clinic. "Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you ain't to have no relations whatsoever!"
Pausing for a moment, the young patient replied, "Okay, but what about friends 'n neighbours?"
841-
A Jewish man in New York breaks his dentures. He searches around for a dental technician who will make a replacement at a reasonable price. The first quotes $300, the next $400 and the third $500, all much too expensive for him.
Then his wife, hearing of these prices says, "Well, Hymie, why don't you speak to my nephew, Solly - he's just qualified as a dentist and I'm sure he'll give you a good deal."
Hymie says, "Oy Vay . Solly is a schmuck - he's no experience and I wouldn't like to wear dentures he'd made."
However, after some nagging by his wife, he goes to see Solly who says that he could make a set of dentures for $100, and he finally agrees to have the set made. After a few weeks, Solly comes up with the dentures but they don't fit too well. Hymie takes them back a few times and Solly puts on a bit of material here and grinds off some there but they still don't fit.
Then, for about three weeks, Solly does not see Hymie. By chance they meet in the street.
"Hello Uncle Hymie," Solly said, "it's good to see you - how are the dentures?"
"Solly," he says, "let me tell you a story. For the past couple a' weeks I am on a vacation in the Caribbean, fishing. One day we are out and I am fishing off the back of the boat when I hook a great big tuna, maybe 300 pounds. This very strong fish swims away from me and I'm trying to hold him but the line runs out over 200 yards and I really am struggling."
"Then the fish turns and swims towards the boat - he's coming at me very fast and I am frantically trying to reel in the line which falls into the boat and gets wound around my testicles. Suddenly it turns and starts to swim fast away from the boat."
"Solly, right then for the first time, I don't feel your dentures!"
842-
I don't know if you know this, but they are now selling Kosher computers (Made in Israel) called a DELL SHALOM. It is selling at such a good price I bought one. Mine arrived yesterday. There are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:
The cursor moves from right to left. It comes with two hard drives-one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).
Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt."
The Chanukah screen saver includes "Flying Dreidels."
The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 2 4 hours.
The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."
Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
Microsoft Office now includes, "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."
When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen."
Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.
If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: "You should be ashamed of yourself."
When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?"
When I look at erotic images, my computer says, "If your mother knew you did this, she would die."
And best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get Spam.
843-
These are actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong
- I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
- Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep
- Gun wounds again ! Fall down stupid white person.
- Same old rules: no eyes, no groin, no kissing.
- A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries
- Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken wings!
- Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants
- Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
- Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
- You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken
- I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
- You daring lousy guy with bad breath.
- Beat him out of recognizable shape!
- I have been scared shitless too much lately.
- I got knife scars more than the number of your leg hair!
- Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected
- The bullets inside are very hot. Why do you feel so cold?
- How can you use my intestines as a gift?
- This will be of fine service for you, you bag of scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your man parts and leave them out on the dessert for your aunts to eat.
- Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your
gynaecologist for a thorough extermination.
- Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate
feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
-Our tong is bigger than your tong !
- No karate kicks be allowed on Shabbos.
844-
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready"
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call centre for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
845-
Jeremy orders a pair of trousers from LEVINE BROS, TAILORS. Frank takes the order and tells Jeremy that they will be ready in a week’s time.
But when Jeremy returns a week later, he’s disappointed to learn that the trousers are not yet ready and that he has to come back in another week’s time.
But when Jeremy returns again the following week, he’s disappointed to learn that the trousers are still not ready and that he has to come back in another week’s time
This goes on for two months until finally, on Jeremy’s ninth visit, the trousers are ready for him. Frank proudly displays them not only to Jeremy but also to everyone in his shop.
"Thanks for the trousers, Mr Levine," says Jeremy, "but I need to ask you a question. How come God was able to create the world in only 6 days, yet it took you 60 days to make just one pair of trousers?"
"Ah, it’s simple," replies Frank. "Just look at the condition of the world and then take a look at this gorgeous pair of trousers I’ve made for you."
846-
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
847-
What a Polish woman says every morning when she looks at the mirror?
He deserves this, the bastard!
848-
Aussie Slang
In case 'ya ever find yerself 'down-under'...........
I'm Hungry
"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."
I'm thirsty:
"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nuns nasty." "
I'm dry as a fuck with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."
I need to go for a pee:
"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
"Need to syphon the python."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snakes hiss."
"Gotta go have a slash."
"Gonna go water a horse."
"I'm off to drain the main vein."
"Time to splatter the bladder."
"I'm dying for a piss ! so bad I can taste it."
"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."
I need to do a poo:
"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
"Off to the bog to leave an offering."
"Time to snap off a grogan."
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
"I'm going to give birth to your twin."
"Need to choke a brown dog."
"I've freed Nelson Mandela."
"Going for a Rodney."
"Taking out the garbage."
"I gotta back one out."
"Release the Chocolate hostage"
"I gotta lay some cables for telstra"
Vomit:
"Calling for George."
"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."
"I left him a lawn pizza."
"Toss a tiger on the carpet."
"Gotta go Ralph"
Compliments:
"Ya bloods worth bottling!"
"He's True Blue."
849-
An Australian Love Poem - (Who said Australians weren't romantic?)
Of course I love ya darlin you're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready there's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity but I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy that you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now the moment that we met
I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on and fetch another beer.
850-
One day, a genie was in a remarkably good mood, so he decided to go around the world, granting people their fondest wishes.
First, he came to London, where he saw a very sad-looking Englishman. He said to the man, "I am a genie. Tell me what you want most, and I will grant it to you."
The Englishman said, "My cousin Nigel has the most beautiful mansion you ever saw, but I don't even have a house at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful house and not me? Well, I want you to give me a house even bigger than Nigel's."
The genie snapped his fingers, and the house appeared magically. The Englishman was delighted.
Next, the genie went to Paris, where he saw a sad Frenchman. The genie asked the Frenchman what he wanted most. The Frenchman said, "My cousin Pierre has the most beautiful wife you ever saw, but I don't have a wife at all. It's not fair! Why should HE have a beautiful wife and not me? I want you to give me a wife even more beautiful than Pierre's."
The genie snapped his fingers, and a beautiful woman appeared. The Frenchman was delighted.
Next, the genie went to Chicago, where he saw a sad-eyed American. The genie asked him what he wanted most in life. The American answered, "My cousin Marty has the most beautiful sports car you ever saw, but I don't have a car at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful car and not me? I want you to give me a sports car even nicer than Marty's."
The genie snapped his fingers, and a deluxe Maserati appeared. The American was delighted.
Next, the genie went to Tokyo, where he saw a sad-looking Japanese man. He asked the man what he wanted most. The Japanese man said, "My cousin Kenji has a high- paying job with the biggest corporation in Japan, and I can't find a job at all. It's not fair! I'm as good as he is. Why should HE have such a great job and not me? I want you to give me a job even better than Kenji's."
The genie snapped his fingers, and it was done.
Finally, the genie went to the Middle East, where he saw a sad-looking Arab. He asked the Arab what he wanted most in life. The Arab
answered, "My cousin Abdul has the most beautiful flock of goats you ever saw,
while I don't have any goats at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is. Why should HE have such beautiful goats and not me?"
The genie smiled and said, "So, you want a beautiful flock of your own?"
The Arab snarled, "Of course not, you idiot! I want you to kill all of Abdul's goats!"
851-
Why do Australians call their favourite drink XXXX?
Because they can't spell beer.
Why can't Aussie blokes take their girlfriends to the cricket?
They eat all the grass.
An Australian driving instructor is taking young Bruce out on a lesson in the Outback, when they find the road's blocked.
The instructor says, "Bruce, have you ever made a U-turn?"
Bruce says, "No, but I once made a ram's eyes water."
What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
Bisexual.
Two Australian lads are walking through the bush, when they come across a dingo licking its privates.
After watching for a few moments, the first lad says, "Just between you and me, I've wanted to do that all my life."
The second lad says, "I dunno, mate – he looks pretty vicious…"
852-
Old man Willy Blumenfeld was getting on in years. His son, Harold, had done well financially in ladies' underwear. He asked his father if he'd like to go down to Miami Beach. He thought it would be good for the old man to have companionship and balmy weather as well in his declining years. The old man was pleased but consented to go only if he could be at a Kosher hotel. And so Harold made reservations at the Sterling Hotel and put his father on a plane for Miami Beach. His son phoned him once a week and everyone seemed happy. Some weeks later, Harold had to make a business trip south and decided to drop in on pop unannounced as a surprise. When he got to the Sterling Hotel, there was no sign of old man Blumenfeld. He asked the desk clerk if he had any idea where his father might be and he was told he might try room 402 at the Sans Souci. Harold hopped into a cab and headed for the Sans Souci. He learned at the desk that room 402 was occupied by a Miss Peggy Murphy. Harold rushed up to room 402, knocked at the door, which was opened by a tall, sparsely dressed redhead. And there was papa in a bathrobe! Harold was furious! Unable to contain himself, he screamed, "Papa, I'm so shocked I don't know what to say! An old religious man like you! And you insisted yet you must stay at a Kosher hotel!" The old man looked at him as if crazy and said, "So, what are you getting so excited for? I don't eat here!"
853-
Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.
The salesman checks his notes and tells Morris that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.
"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?"
The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.
Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.
"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"
Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.
"That's a relief!" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning."
854-
Redneck Pick-Up Lines
1) Did you fart? Cuz ya blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in 'em.
6) If you was a tree and I was a squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice!"
9) I know I ain't no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I kin make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, kin you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep 'til afternoon.
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up!
855-
While on a European tour, Ted was being interviewed by a French journalist.
The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"
Ted replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next?', 'Who am I going to screw next?', and 'Can I run fast enough to get away?': They are very much like the French."
856-
'Muffin top' Is Top New Word Downunder
CANBERRA, Australia -- Just about every country that has its own dictionary also has a panel of "experts" who put out lists every year of old, worn out or overused words or phrases that should be banned from that language, as well as lists of new words or phrases that have "made the dictionary",
thereby becoming officially sanctioned for use by the general public.
Australia, it turns out, it no exception. It's top new word for 2006 -- officially -- is "muffin top", according to the Macquarie Dictionary of Australian English.
The dictionary defines "muffin top" as a colloquial noun that refers to the fold of fat around the midriff which spills over the top of tight-fitting pants or skirts on the overweight.
"The vivid imagery of this word with its sense of playfulness and the fact that it is an Australianism made it the clear winner," said judges Gavin Brown and Stephen Garton, both professors at Sydney University.
Second place went to "affluenza", which the dictionary defines as a noun that describes dissatisfaction with consumerism.
The victory for "muffin top" came after it was shortlisted for the 2005 American Dialect Society's most creative word, only to lose out to "whale tail" -- the bit of a g-string, or thong, that shows above the waistband at the back of pants or skirts.
857-
A Kentucky couple, both certified rednecks, had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
858-
Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower-Cooter, Pete and K.C.
As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."
KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.
That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?
Well, not exactly, KC says. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow'." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff
859-
Abraham is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant. He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town.
One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."
Abe says, "OK."
The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7am by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other, dumping
truck full after truck full of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon ,his yard is a 5-feet deep sea in orange yarn. Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite.
The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?"
Straight-faced, Abe replies "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you, that's why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount; but... the tip of my penis was left in Poland after my circumcision!"
860-
Two Jewish guys, Goldman and Hirschberg are talking one morning.
"I h-h-h-have a j-j-j-job inter-r-r-veiw t-t-t-today," says Goldman.
"Really? What kind of job?" asks Hirschberg.
"I'm au-au-au-audition-n-n-ning to b-b-b-e an anoun-n-n-ncer a-a-a-a-t a r-r-r-radio st-st-st-station," stammers Goldman
"I hope it goes well," replies Hirschberg.
Later that day they meet again. Hirschberg asks,
"How did your interview go?"
"N-n-n-not g-g-g-g-good, th-th-those r-r-racist ba-ba-bastards d-d-d-d-don't h-h-h-h-hire j-j-j-j-jews."
861-
Old Emanuel dies. All of his life he’d been dealing in second-hand cuff links and never got rich as a result. But one month after Emanuel’s death, his widow Leah gets a shock, and surprise, when 3 cheques arrive in the morning’s post - one cheque for each of the 3 life assurance policies Emanuel had taken out without her knowing. She adds up the 3 cheques and, Oy Veh, she’s rich – they total more than £175,000. She immediately phones her daughter.
"Suzy," she says, "your dear father, God bless his soul, worked long and hard all his life to provide for us. We lived poor but contented. But now, just when we get some real money, Emanuel is not around to enjoy any of it."
862-
What is the definition of an Irishman?
A simple machine that turns Guinness into piss.
863-
Insults In Aussie
* "I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."
* "Not enough brains to giv e 'imself a headache!"
* "About as useful as tits on a bull."
* "You must be the world's only living brain donor."
* "He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."
* "She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."
* "He had a head on him like a sucked mango."
* "May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."
* "He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."
* "So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"
* "Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."
* "Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
* "As ugly as a hat full of arseholes."
* "If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."
* "Got a face like a bashed in shit can."
* "Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."
* "Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."
* "Couldn't organise a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."
* "About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse- kicking competition."
* "I'll kick your! bum till your nose bleeds!"
* "A stubbie short of a six pack.
" "Seen better heads in a piss trough."
* "You're as handy as shit on a stick.
" "Tighter than a fish's arse."
* "So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."
* "Face like a smashed crab."
* "As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."
* "He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."
* "Fucked in the head."
* "You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."
* "He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."
* "Mate, she's as rough as a pigs breakfast."
* "Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."
* "He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."
* "She's two pick handles wide."
* "An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
* "As ugly as a bag of spanners."
* "You've got a head like a dropped pie."
* "He thinks his shit don't stink, but his farts give him away."
* "I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."
* "Fell out of the ugly ! tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
* "Your the load your mother should have swallowed"
* "If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."
* "Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs."
* "As thick as two short planks!"
* "You got a head like a busted watermelon"
864-
Q: How do you tell if you're in a redneck Amish
neighbourhood?
A: By the dead horses on cinder blocks in the front yard...
865-
The children and grand children of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send grandma on a cruise...
Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.
He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."
She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?
He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."
She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C.
"Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"
The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."
Grandma, needless to say, was delighted.
She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy, and he said, "Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."
"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.
The cabin boy answered, " B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."
"Oh!" she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."
Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed, and she said,
"F.U.C.K.."
Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?", to which she replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K.
Foist U Could Knock!
866-
Three Jewish emigrants meet at Heathrow airport.
True to the Jewish way they ask each other:” So, where’re you from? Where‘re you going?”
The first one said he is going to try his luck in Canada.
The second one said he is going to Holland.
The third said he decided to try Australia.
“Australia?” shouted the other two in disbelief “So far?”
“Far?” said the third “Far from what?”
867-
To Be an Israeli is:
To book a room in a posh hotel in Switzerland and complain at the reception you don’t see the ocean
To walk in a street where you know everybody from your army time; go into a restaurant with a Hebrew menu where the waiter calls You “My brother” and you know you are in India
To check a brand new $120.000 car by kicking the front tire
To Call Telkom info and ask for Itzik Cohen number from Jerusalem and when they ask “which Itzik?” You say “ Itzik, the one with the curly hair”
To put an empty battery in the fridge and think it will help
To here that someone is from USA and ask him if he knows Moshe which lives there for 2 years already
To say a sentence in Hebrew and half of it was in English
To ware a tight top with a big “SEX” written on it, to put on lipstick, do the hair; use half a ton makeup, walk on 30 cm platform shoes and say “Yesterday I saw such a tart”
868-
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from fuckin' skippin", the Irishman said.
869-
Irish medical dictionary
Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria....................... Back door to a cafeteria.
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die.
Benign........................ .What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome.
Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................... A sheep dog.
Coma........................... A punctuation mark.
Dilate......................... To live longer.
Enema.......................... Not a friend.
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................... A small lie.
Impotent........................ Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................... A higher offer.
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................... I knew it.
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative................. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him.
Secretion...................... Hiding something.
Seizure........................ Roman emperor.
Tablet......................... A small table.
Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour..........................One plus one more.
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out.
870-
Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous session of recruitment for a chairman for Microsoft Europe. The 5,000 candidates are all assembled in a large room. One of the candidates is Maurice Cohen, a little Parisian Jewish Tunisian. Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know the programming language JAVA PLUS to rise and leave. 2,000 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I don’t know this language, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try."
Bill Gates then asks all remaining candidates who have never had experience of team management of more than 100 people to rise and leave. 2,000 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "Oy, I never managed anyvun but myself, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?" So he stays.
Bill Gates then asks all remaining candidates who don’t have degrees in People Management to rise and leave. 500 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "Oy Vay, I left school at 15 so I never vent to university, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay?" So he stays in the room.
Bill Gates finally asks all the remaining candidates who don’t speak Serbo-Croat to rise and leave. 498 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "Oy Vay Zmir, I don’t speak Serbo-Croat, but vat the hell! Haff I got anything to lose?" So he stays in the room and finds himself alone with one other candidate - everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joins them and says, "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to hear you both have a little conversation in that language." Calmly, Maurice Cohen turns to the other candidate and says to him, "Ma nishtana halaila hazeh mikol halelot."
The other candidate answers, "Shebechol halelot anu ochlin hamatz umatza."
Ma nishtana halaila hazeh mikol halelot shebechol halelot anu ochlin hamatz umatza: Jewish Passover prayer
871-
Dear ……..
It is with great stress (emotional and physical) and unbelievable financial hardship beyond your comprehension, that Rebecca and I cordially invite you to join us in kvelling over our wonderful son, Jonathan Sam, as he is called up to read the maftir and haftorah on his barmitzvah day.
Jonathan Sam’s special service takes place on Shabbes, May 19 at the Hendon United Synagogue. We realize this service might take place on FA Cup final day, but you can always tape it – the match that is, not the service.
The service commences at the ungodly (please excuse the language) hour of 9 o’clock in the morning and we would like you to be there at this time, even though you don't really need to be there until 10.30am, when the real action starts.
The service lasts for three hours and we hope you will be able to survive our rabbi’s speech and our chazan’s voice. If you do, you can skip the kiddush (which is usually only biscuits and grape juice) which will take place in the Ladies Guild room. This is just for those not invited to our main affair which takes place later on that evening.
So please join us at 7pm for an over-the-top, shmaltzy, ostentatious semi-kosher evening meal at the MCC (Mishegass Country Club). Rebecca wants me to mention that we had to join the MCC just to book their hall and, oy vay, you wouldn’t believe how much they charged us.
We’ve booked lots of expensive and noisy entertainment, including Minky’s Kosher Jammers Orchestra (with 6 singers) and Moshe the Jester.
Apart from Jonathan Sam’s friends, the guests will include 50 unruly teenagers, no doubt wearing expensive outfits and fake bling, and 70 middle-aged adults with lots of botox and real bling. At least a quarter of the guests will be hormonally and/or chronologically challenged, while others will act stupid while under the influence of the Palwin table wine we’ve ordered. And no doubt many will complain about the food (we would hope that you won’t be one of them.)
Please have the courtesy to complete the enclosed RSVP card in the next few days. I don’t want to receive it at the last minute - I just can't take any more stress. Also note that if you indicate on the card that you will be attending, I will have no choice but to invoice you £100 per person if you subsequently don’t show up for any reason.
In terms of what present to give Jonathan Sam, may we suggest it should be: flat; made of paper; with a signature and account number on it; and presented inside a small white envelope. Any other types of gift are a waste of your time and ours.
We hope you can make it.
872-
Freda and her friend Ruth were having a chat about their sons. "So Ruth," asks Freda, "I hear that your Paul has just been made a director of Shmultz PLC. Is he a good businessman, then?"
"Is he a good businessman?" replies Ruth. "Oy! He’s a brilliant businessman, Freda. In fact mine Paul is so dedicated to his company that every night he takes his secretary to bed with him - just in case he comes up with a brilliant idea."
873-
Jacob is pulled from the sea at Birchington by a lifeguard. When his wife Judith sees all the commotion, and then realises that it’s her Jacob who is lying flat out on the sands, she goes running over, sobbing all the way. When she gets to him, she shouts, "Oy Vay, Jacob, Jacob, vats happened to you?"
The lifeguard tells her to calm down. "Lady," he says, "please don't get too hysterical - I’m looking after your husband. I'm now going to give him some artificial respiration and I’m sure he'll then be fine."
"Vat do you mean artificial respiration?" Judith says to the lifeguard, "Mine Jacob gets either real respiration or he gets
nothing at all."
874-
At last, after a long journey, the landing module sets down safely on Mars. Within minutes, Gerry and John, the two astronauts on board, take their first steps on the planet. Their mission is very important to the future of mankind – they must check whether there is oxygen on the planet. Gerry says, "OK, John, pass me the box of matches and I’ll try to light one. It will either burn, in which case there’s oxygen, or nothing will happen."
Gerry takes the box from John, removes a match and is just about to strike it when a Martian suddenly appears in front of him waving his arms frantically. "No, no, don't do that!" the Martian shouts at Gerry.
Gerry and John are puzzled. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars that their module hadn’t detected? Gerry didn’t think so, so he continues with his plan to strike the match. But now there’s a whole group of Martians around him, all of them looking very serious and waving their arms. "No, no," they shout, "please don't do that!"
"What are they afraid of?" John asks Gerry.
"I don’t know," replies Gerry, "but we're here for the benefit of mankind and we’ve a job to do."
So Gerry strikes the match. It instantly flares up, burns slowly down and then goes out. Nothing else happens. So Gerry turns round to the Martian leader and asks, "Why didn’t you want me to strike the match?"
The Martian leader replies, "Because today is shabbes!"
875-
Maurice and Sadie invited Nigel, their gentile neighbour for a Passover dinner. The first course was served and Sadie said to Nigel, “This is matzoh ball soup.”
When Nigel saw the two large matzoh balls in the soup, he was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. But Maurice gently persuaded him to try it. “Just have a taste. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to finish it, honestly.”
So Nigel has a taste. He digs his spoon in and picks up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup. He tastes it gingerly and finds he likes it very much. Quickly he finishes his plate.
“That was delicious”, says Nigel. “Can you eat any other part of the matzoh?”
876-
Abe goes to see his boss and says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow for Passover and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Abe," the boss replies. "I just can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss." says Abe, "I knew I could count on you!"
877-
Playing at the Cardiff Odeon this weekend:
9 1/2 Leeks
Trefforest Gump
Cwmando
The Lost Boyos
An American Werewolf in Powys
Huw Dares Gwyneth
Dai Hard
The Wizard of Oswestry
Cool Hand Look-you
Sheepless in Seattle
The Eagle has Llandudno
The Magnificent Severn
Haverfordwest Was Won
Austin Powys
The Magic Rhonddabout
Independence Dai
The Llanfairpwllwynyllggerchwyndrbwllllantysiliogogogoch That Time Forgot
Seven Brides from Seven Sisters
Welsh Connection
Welsh Connection II
The Bridge on the River Wye
Lawrence of Llandybie
A Beautiful Mind-you
The Welsh Patient
The King and Mair
The Sheepshag Redemption
Breakfast at Taffynys
Look You Back in Bangor
Evans Can Wait
A Fishguard Called Rhondda
Where Eagles Aberdare
Dial M For Merthyr
878-
Leroy from Port Antonio always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit. Leroy saved up all his pay slips and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Red Stripe and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.
Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See mi new trainaz dem? Cool, eeh?"
One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Leroy aware that he had a lace undone?
Leroy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace, and that on the bottom of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied.
When asked for proof of this instruction, Leroy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.
"Seet deer! Hit seh.....
...TAIWAN"
879-
A shy Welsh village man, Elwyn, noticed that a beautiful girl had moved in next door. But Elwyn was shy so every time he saw her in the garden or in the street he couldn't think of what to say, so he would say 'good morning miss' or 'good afternoon miss' and hurry off about his business.
He talked to his friend in the bar. "Jones," he said, "a beautiful girl lives next door to me, but I don't know how to chat girls up, I've never done it before."
Jones said, "All you have to do is say to her 'good morning miss. It's a beautiful day isn't it? What beautiful flowers in your garden.' That will get the conversation going.
Elwyn practiced this in front of a mirror for a few days. Then one night at the local pub he saw her. Elwyn stood near the bar trying to pluck up the courage to go and talk to her. He was nearly ready when the girl got up and went to the washroom.
This is it, thought Elwyn, its now or never. So he stood outside the washroom and waited. She was ever such a long time that poor Elwyn was starting to lose his nerve. He was just about to walk away when the girl came out. There she was, right in front of him looking beautiful.
Elwyn said, "Erm, erm g-good evening, miss."
She said, "Good evening."
He continued, "It's a b-beautiful day isn't it?"
"Yes," she said, "it is a splendid day."
Encouraged he went on. "I'm your neighbour, and I must tell you you have a lovely garden."
She smiled, "Thank you. I think so, too."
Stuck for something else to talk about, Elwyn stammered, "Erm, erm, err, ah, you've just had a shit, have you?"
880-
A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.
He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? And she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er."
The foreman is impressed.
He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet", says the Newfie. Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test.
They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar,
242 board feet at mos'."
The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he.
As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree."
The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?"
When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.
"Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure", the Newfie states, cocksure.
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"
The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz someone took a crap behind it, eh?"
He got the job and is now the foreman.
881-
Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God and man up their nostrils, and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your coffee!
882-
Where to live after retirement
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighbourhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defence.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care
centre.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
883-
Southern Dictionary
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage Just set that bare rat cheer.
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."
DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."
ARE - (noun) - A colourless, odourless gas Oxygen. Usage "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!"
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see". VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City...view?"
884-
Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the "King James" into "Jackson County" language.... no joke, read on...
(1) Just one God
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(7) No killin'
(8) Watch yer mouth
(9) Don't take what ain't yers
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day.
885-
Top Ten Signs That You're Going To Have A Dysfunctional, White-Trash Family Thanksgiving
Little sister Sue catches Mama adding a box of Ex-Lax to her special brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular" afterwards.
Cousin Jen shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it, and proudly displays her summons for her court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined her new coat.
Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.
Cousin Mikey shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Julie, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.
Uncle Max coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup, and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of "Redman" chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back home.
Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new "best friend" as well as being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.
Second-cousin Billy Joe brings as his guest his current analyst, who's doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures.
Uncle Peter, who's legally blind but can see some shapes and colors and shadows, and who also got legally blind fucking stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps "accidentally" nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.
13-year-old cousin Timmy asks his Uncle Bobby if he can borrow his thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball "rock" he just bought from your Dad.
Uncle Ralph serves the turkey flambé by pouring some his famous homemade 'shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left on Uncle Peter's head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special
Thanksgiving holiday.
886-
Q. What do you call a three foot tall Jamaican?
A. A Yardie.
887-
Q.
What do you call a blacks only abortion clinic?
A. Crimestoppers.
888-
In Thailand, when a male reaches the age of 18 they are invited to participate in a ceremony of passage to adulthood, which is celebrated in the
centre of the village, surrounding the central fire and attended by the all the natives in residence, and accompanied by considerable consumption of food and drink amid singing, dancing and all manner of joyous festivities.
- At the appointed time the native boys that are reaching maturity are formed into a large circle around the fire and stand there motionless and stark naked facing inward towards the fire.
- Then, accompanied by a haunting musical rendition of native music, the most beautiful girl in the village is
honoured to perform a sexy dance, naked, around the inner centre circle.
- Behind each boy is a naked native girl that he cannot see.. As soon as all the males are excited and have erections, the girls behind them reach between their legs, and pull their erect unit downward and back through and then on a signal all release them.
- Their units spring back up and go loudly "WHAP" against their bellies. This is considered measurement of their strength and of youthful masculinity.
- And that's why the capital of Thailand is called Bangkok.
889-
Play Kosher Millionaire
You have been selected to play "So You Wouldn't Mind Being a Kosher Millionaire - You Should Only Live So Long." You have three lifelines to help you, as follows:
1. You may call your Rabbi for his opinion.
2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion.
3. You may consider your spouse's opinion ... or not.
Bonus lifeline! Whether you ask for it or not, your Mother will give you her opinion.
Lets play:
For $100
Q. What is the name of the Russian Space Station that crashed and burned on re-entry?
A. Oy Veys Mir
For $200
Q. How does a Jewish woman call her family to dinner?
A. All right, everybody get in the car.
For $500
Q. Who is Israel's favourite Internet provider?
A. Netanyahu.
For $1,000
Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women?
A. Oil of Oy Vey.
For $2,000
Q. What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?
A. Debbila Does Windows
For $4,000
Q. What is the technical term for a Jewish woman who catches her husband in the act with his secretary?
A. "The Plaintiff."
For $8,000
Q. How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
A. "Nyah Nyah, Your Mother pays retail."
For $16,000
Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the foetus become human?
A. When it graduates from medical school.
For $32,000
Q. What do Jewish women do to keep their hands soft and nails long and beautiful?
A. Nothing.
For $64,000
Q. Define "Genius."
A. A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
For $125,000
Q. How do you know when a Jewish woman is about to have an orgasm?
A. She puts down her nail file.
For $250,000
Q. When should a Moyel retire?
A. When he can't cut it anymore.
For $500,000
Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A. A fur coat.
For $1,000,000
Q. What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian Grandmother?
A. The accent.
890-
Hi there,
Just a note to tell you that my mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott
oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc.
Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc., I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me.
My response solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems....
I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car.
They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in Pesos so they have to go home to spend it.
Don't you love it when a plan comes together?
891-
Four linguists were sharing a compartment on a train on their way to an international conference on sound symbolism. One was English, one Spanish, one French and the fourth German. They got into a discussion on whose language was the most eloquent and euphonious.
The English linguist said: "Why, English is the most eloquent language. Take for instance the word "butterfly". Butterfly, butterfly... doesn't that word so beautifully express the way this delicate insect flies. It's like flutter-by, flutter-by."
"Oh, no!" said the Spanish linguist, "the word for "butterfly" in Spanish is
"maripose". Now, this word expresses so beautifully the vibrant colours on the butterfly's wings. What could be a more apt name for such a brilliant creature? Spanish is the most eloquent language!"
"Papillon!" says the French linguist, "papillon! This word expresses the fragility of the butterfly's wings and body. This is the most fitting name for such a delicate and ethereal insect. French is the most eloquent language!"
At this the German linguist stands up, and demands: "Und vot is rongk mit 'SCHMETTERLING'?"
892-
Joshua is out shopping in Brent Cross shopping centre when he bumps into his friend Sam outside Pavins the jewellers. Sam has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. "Hi Sam," says Joshua, "what have you been buying, may I ask?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," replies Sam, "it's my Miriam’s birthday tomorrow and when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she said, 'Oh, I’ll leave it up to you, darling, but how about something with lots of diamonds in it.'"
"So tell me already, what did you buy her?" asks Joshua.
"I bought her two packs of Bridge cards," replies Sam.
893-
Abe’s eating a bagel for his mid morning snack and breaks his dentures. He searches Yellow Pages for a dental technician, but everyone he calls quotes him an exorbitant price. "I just don’t understand you, Abe," says his wife Sarah, "we have a newly qualified dentist in the family, so why don't you call your nephew Arnold? I know you don’t think much of him, but I’ll bet he’ll give you a better deal than those gonifs you’ve just spoken to. Why don’t you go see him, he’s only five minutes away?"
"Oy Vay, Sarah," replies Abe, "You know I think Arnold is a shmuck. I wouldn't want to put any dentures he makes in my mouth."
But Sarah doesn’t let up and 30 minutes later, Abe is discussing new dentures with Arnold. "I can make you a new set for only £100," says Arnold, "which is a special rate just for the family."
A week later, Abe has his first fitting and just as he thought, they’re uncomfortable. Over the weeks that follow, Abe regularly visits Arnold for adjustments. Sometimes Arnold adds some material, sometimes he grinds away some material and sometimes he bends some material, but to no avail - Abe never feels they fit perfectly. Then suddenly Abe stops coming and Arnold thinks he is at last happy with his dentures.
Two months later, by chance, they meet in the street. "Hi uncle Abe," Arnold says, "it's good to see you again. How do the dentures feel?"
"Let me answer that by telling you a true story," replies Abe. "For the past three weeks, we’ve been on a Caribbean Cruise. Whilst there, I hire a boat to do some deep water fishing and immediately I hook this great big 350 pound tuna. This is a very powerful fish and immediately begins to swim away from me. As I’m struggling to hold him, my 200 metres fishing line runs out and I’m nearly jerked over the side. Then the tuna turns around and starts swimming back towards me at great speed and now I’m frantically reeling in the line. Then I notice that somehow the loose line which has been falling in the boat has wrapped itself around my shorts, trapping my testicles. Before I can take any action, the tuna turns around for a second time and starts swimming even faster away from the boat. Arnold, believe me, just then, for the first time in many, many weeks, I didn't feel your dentures!"
894-
Joseph is thrilled to be taking Bracha, his 95year old mother to see the hit show, "Fiddler on the Roof." He’s excited not only because Bracha hasn’t seen it before, but also because she came to America in the late 1930s from one of the many Anatevka-like Russian shtetls.
Not only does Joseph book the most expensive seats in the theatre, but he also buys Bracha some smart new clothes to wear. And on the night of the show, he even orders a stretch limo to take them there and back. He wants it to be a memorable evening and doesn’t want to leave anything to chance.
On the night of the show, they arrive in style, take their seats and watch the performance. And as soon as the final curtain comes down, Joseph asks Bracha, "Well Mom, what did you think of the show? Be honest. Did it bring back any memories for you?"
Bracha sits there for a while, then turns to Joseph and gives both a nod and a classic
Jewish Mother Shrug "Yes bubbeleh, it did," she replies, "but I really don't remember that much singing."
895-
Avrahom and Rivkah are quite worried about their 30 year old son Jacob. They’re a Chassidic family and they feel that Jacob should have found a wife by now and had many children. So one day, Avrahom announces, "I’ve been in touch with a shadchen to help us find a wife for our Jacob, and he’s coming here tonight."
"Oy vay," says Jacob.
The shadchen arrives and immediately starts asking questions to enable him to find the right kind of daughter-in-law. At the end of his visit, the shadchen says to them, "You’ve answered my questions and I’ve been able to put together a ‘shopping list’ of your requirements. I know what you want."
"So do you have someone who meets our requirements?" asks Avrahom, hopefully.
"I think I might have the perfect woman," replies the shadchen. "I’ll be back tomorrow night with some news."
The next night, the shadchen returns and with a smile announces, "What a wonderful woman I’ve found."
"So make with the details, already," says Avrahom.
"Well," says the shadchen, "I think this woman will be perfect for Jacob. She’s the right age; she keeps a Glatt Kosher home; she attends shul regularly; she davens by heart; she just adores children and wants to raise a large family; she’s a marvellous cook; and on top of all that, she's very, very beautiful."
On hearing this, Avrahom and Rivkah begin to discuss the prospects of an early wedding. But then Jacob, who up to now has remained silent, asks the shadchen, "Is she also good in bed?"
The shadchen thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well Jacob, some say yes...and some say no."
896-
There's always someone who looks at the funny side of things .... about the airport terrorist attack.
The quotes at the end are classic patter. I didn't know whether to cringe or laugh but then pissed my pants at it.
America Vs Glasgow
If this had happened in a US airport, compared to Glasgow
Eyewitness accounts.
America:" Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, I just ran for my life. I thought I was gonna die, he got so close to me"
Glasgow "Cunt wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him"
America:" I just wanna get home, away from here. I just wanna get home, I thought I was gonna die"
Glasgow:" here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a fuckin' plane!"
America:" there was pandemonium, people were running in all directions, We didn't know what was happening,
I thought I was gonna die"
Glasgow: "Fuck this fir a kerry oan, cmoan we’ll get a pint in"
America:" We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister, and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were gonna die, I just ran for my life"
Glasgow: "a swaggered by the motor that wis on fire, and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws"
America: there was this huge explosion, it sounded like war, I thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:" There wis a bang, yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a fire it wis like that"
America:" I'm too traumatized even to speak, I thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow "here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it"
And finally, two quotes from an eye-witness.........
John Smeaton (these are real) John just surpassed himself on the National ITV new. The interviewer asked "What message do you have for the bombers" - he replied, "This is Glasgow we'll just set about you"
John did an interview on CNN and they asked how he restrained the guy and he said "me and other folk were just tryin 2 get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him" !
897-
Learning how to speak Chinese is really very easy Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)
English Chinese
That's not right Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa
898-
Jose & Carlos are panhandling on the street. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says "Look at your sign. It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."
899-
Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "suspicious car". Apparently it had tax, insurance and the radio was still in it.
900-
Eight foreign doctors: three bombs, no deaths.
Harold Shipman: one doctor, one syringe; 300 dead.
Fuck it. Makes you proud to be British.
901-
Q: How did the Puerto Rican woman
lose 20 pounds in one day?
A: She washed off her makeup.
902-
You know you’re an Israeli because
You dial Directory Enquiries and ask, "Can I have the phone number of Moshe Levy in Tel Aviv, please." And when the operator replies, "which Moshe Levy do you want?" you say, "You know, Moshe, the one with the bad limp."
You always speak half in Hebrew and half in English.
You book a room in a nice London hotel and then complain to reception, "I can’t see the ocean from my window!"
You put on a tight T-shirt with the word SEX written across the front of it in big red letters. Then you smear your lips with thick crimson lipstick and put on 5 inch high bright red platform shoes. Then, when you meet your best friend, you say to her, "Oy, did I see such a tart yesterday!"
As you walk down a main road, you recognise everyone you pass from the days you spent in the Army.
Before you buy any brand new car, you check it out by kicking its front tyres.
When you meet someone who tells you they live in New York, you say, "Wonderful! So do you know Shlomo who lives there for 3 years already?"
903-
Moshe loses his wallet and decides to place the following advert in his shul’s weekly newsletter.
LOST OR STOLEN: Near or in the Brent Cross Shopping Centre. A brown full length leather wallet containing my driving licence, my passport, some irreplaceable family photos and approximately £500 in £20 notes. Finder can keep the documents and the photos but should return the money, to which I am attached for sentimental reasons.
904-
BBC are concerned that black people aren't represented enough on TV...........
............so they've decided to air Crimewatch twice a month.
905-
All blacks, pakis and arabs are dead.
Carlsberg don't do news headlines, but if we did they would probably be the best in the world.
906-
RED NECK DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION
(Folks from Mississippi and Louisiana, please use the form with pictures)
Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box)
First name: First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen____ bedroom ____ bathroom____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___
Colour of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
PLEASE MAKE YOUR MARK HERE: ______________________
907-
Feldman had enough with the city life and decided to become a dairy farmer.
He mated a Golden Guernsey bull with some Holstein cows and created a new breed:
The Goldstein.
Instead of "Moo" it says " Nu!"
908-
What is Zionism?
When one Jew instructs another to collect money from a third to send to a fourth to Israel.
909-
Over heard in the Shul:
-Is your nephew Irving a good doctor?
-Good? He’s such a lovely boy, last year I needed an operation and I couldn’t afford it. So he touched up the X-rays!
910-
- So tell me, Goldberg, this relative of yours that stays with you, is he a religious man?
- I tell you Jack, he is so orthodox, when he plays chess, he doesn’t use bishops he uses Rabbis!
911-
Slutsky, 85 years old, was complaining to Bloomstein My secretary is going to sue me for breach of promise”
At your age, said Bloomstein, what could you promise her?
912-
How does an Irishman catch a rabbit?
Hides behind a tree and makes a noise like a lettuce!
913-
A Muslim woman knocked on my front door last night -
I spoke to her through the letterbox to see how she fucking likes it.
914-
Q. Why can't Stephen Hawking dance?
A. He's white...
915-
Suicide bombers have attacked Glasgow again, this time successfully.
A car packed with explosives detonated in the Govan area and caused £2,000,000 worth of repairs.
916-
Police were called to Kings Cross station following an
explosion, on arrival they found twenty three people stuck to the walls.
It is thought that the IRA have detonated the first No-More-Nails bomb.
917-
Q
What's the difference between a muslim woman and a pilchard?
A One's got oily skin, big bulging eyes and stinks--the other one's a fish!
918-
A cross-section of 1000 Africans, Asians, Spics, Wops, Chinks, Nips, Aussies, Kiwis, Frogs, Krauts, Jocks, Paddies, Taffs, Geordies and Scousers were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency.
99% said no, they were happy with the Giro.
919-
6 differences between a Mexican and E.T.
E.T. looked better,
learned English,
came alone,
had his own bike,
didn't claim benefit
and WANTED TO GO FUCKING HOME!
920-
Two Irishman are making letter bombs.
Paddy says "Mick do you think I have put enough explosive in this envelope"
Mick says " Don't know, open it and see"
"But it'll explode" says Paddy
"Don't Be Stupid" Mick says "It's not addressed to you!!"
921-
I've been trying to get this girl in to bed for ages. One day she said to me "I'm sorry. I can only be a sister to you."
"Well why didn't you say so?" I replied with a smile "I'm from Alabama"
922-
Why do pill bottles have cotton buds in the top of them?
To remind niggers that they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.
923-
Q. Why do Arabs wear those long robes?
A. Goats can hear a zipper a mile away.
924-
A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and says "Now I have to arrange for a GHET".
The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet. So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.
The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (Circumcision)
She replies. "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick!"
925-
Why
don't black people go on cruises
They're not falling for that one again !
926-
What do you call an abortion in Prague?
A cancelled cheque.
927-
What is the mating call of a black bird?
"STICK IT IN ME LEROY!"
928-
So this Paki dies and goes up top heaven. He knocks on the gates and St Peter opened them
"What the fuck do you want" asks St Peter.
"I am here for Jesus" says the Paki.
St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"
929-
Q. Why is everything in America always bigger than everything else?
A. So that the people will fit.
930-
Normal: A man walks into a bar. He says ouch, because it's an iron bar. He picks himself up.
America: A man walks into a bar. He says ouch, because it's an iron bar. He picks himself up $5,000,000 in compensation.
931-
You Might Be a Redneck If...
* Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
* Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
* You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
* Your neighbour has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
* There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
* You have rebuilt a carburettor while sitting on the commode.
* None of the tires on your van are the same size.
* You hold the hood of the car with your head while you work on it.
* Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
* Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
* Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
* You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.
* Starting your car involves popping the hood.
* Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
* You whistle at women in church.
* You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
* You've been in a fist fight at a yard sale.
* You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the back seat.
* The three little words you say to your wife are GIMME A BEER.
* Your grandmother has ever been kicked out of Bingo Night because of her language.
* You win the lottery and buy a NEW doublewide to live in.
* You think a quarterback is a refund.
* You were born on a pool table
932-
Two black women are discussing their babies one day.
"How old's yours?" one asks the other.
"Six months old" she replies.
"Is he teething yet?"
"Yes, only this morning he got an ipod and a car stereo."
933-
The new barman in the pub is black, so I said "beer please, nigger".
He hit the roof and said "swap places, see if you like it".
So I went round the bar, he walked out then came back in and said "beer please, honkey".
I said "sorry mate, we don't serve niggers in here".
934-
All his life, Cohen has wanted to own an elegant, made-to-measure hand-tailored suit with all the exacting details not found in an ordinary off the rack model. But he was a little guy, not very successful in business, and could never afford one.
Later in life, however, things took a turn for the better and he eventually managed to set aside enough money to finally make his impossible dream come true, and he goes off to a very expensive tailor to get fitted. The great day comes, the suit is finally ready, it's gorgeous, it fits like you wouldn't believe. And... so many "extras!"
He proudly wears it home, and can hardly wait for Mrs. Cohen to see him in his elegant new
splendour. "Oy, is she in for a surprise!" he thinks. When he walks into the living room, she's reading the paper. "Mama, I'm home." cheerfully announces Cohen.
She glances up, grunts, "Ehh", and goes back to her paper.
He tries again, "Look, Mama vot I got on, a whole brand new hand- tailored suit."
Again, short-shrift from Mrs Cohen, "Ehh."
He goes on, "And, look, hand-stitched lapels yet."
Another, "Ehh."
Undaunted, the poor schlep, trying vainly to impress her, says, "And, Mama, take a good substantial look at dis...on de full-pleated
pants...a full length, easy sliding zipper like you've never seen on my pants before!"
Mrs. Cohen finally looks up and answers, "So? Schwartz, next door, has a two car garage, and vot comes out? A bicycle!"
935-
Moshe was recovering in hospital from prostate surgery. To make matters worse, his surgeon had told him that it would be six weeks before he could be sexually active again.
Peter visited him to wish him well.
Robert visited him to wish him a speedy recovery.
His partner Abe visited his wife.
936-
A Welsh man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Welsh man shouts "Paid a yfed y dwr mae'r gwartheg yn cachi yn y dwr" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.)
The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".
The Welsh man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."
937-
Q: What is the definition of a Jewish
ménage a trois?
A: Two headaches and a hard-on.
938-
It appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal and Jamal. She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in street language that people can understand, because one of the problems in New Orleans was that regular folks couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I can hear it now,a weatherman in Miami says: Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin fo yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo! So grab yo chirren, yo ho, be leavin yo crib and head fo da nearest guvment office fo yo FREE shit!
939-
You just may be a "Redneck" if....
...Your answering machine message begins, "If you're calling about the free puppies..."
...Your kids take rabbit sandwiches in their school lunch boxes.
...All the holes in your jeans came from buckshot and barbed wire fences.
...The recoil pad on your shotgun used to be the cup of your wife's bra (or a shoulder pad from her sweater).
...Your family reunion was held at a skating rink.
...Every time you rebuild your motor there are a few parts left over.
940-
Lionel from London is taking his University gap year in America and he’s visiting as many places there as he can. But whilst spending some time in Oklahoma, he meets and falls deeply in love with a Cherokee girl. Not long after, they decide to get married and Lionel rings his mother to tell her the good news.
"Mum, I’ve found my future wife and we’re getting married over here. I’m going to send you the air tickets to join us."
"Mazeltov Lionel," his mother says. "I’m so pleased, but is she ……. Jewish?"
"No mum," Lionel replies, "she’s not. But she promises to act as a Jewish wife."
"Oy," his mother wails, "I’ve always wanted you to marry a lovely Jewish girl."
"You can’t have everything mum," Lionel says. "And another thing I must tell you. She lives on a reservation and that’s where we’ll be living after we marry."
"I can’t take any more of this," cries his mother, "I don’t want the tickets and I don’t want to speak to you again." And with that she slams down the phone.
Almost a year later, Lionel rings his mother and tells her that they are expecting a baby. His mother doesn’t slam down the phone but says, very politely and unemotionally, "That’s nice, son, I’m happy for you both."
Eight months later, Lionel again rings his mother and says, "Mum, I just want to say that last night my wife gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I also want you to know that we’ve agreed to give our son a Jewish name."
Upon hearing this unexpected news, his mother shouts out with happiness. "Oh Lionel, bubbeleh, this is wonderful news," she cries, "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You’ve both made me more happy than you could ever know."
"That's fantastic, mum," replies Lionel. "I’m so glad that you and I are back together as mother and son."
"And what," asks his proud and happy mother, "is my lovely grandson’s name going to be?"
Lionel replies, proudly, "Smoked Whitefish."
941-
Jeremy and Isaac are out having a celebratory meal at Minky’s Kosher Cafe. At the end of the meal, the waiter comes over and asks, "OK, gentlemen, will it be tea or coffee for you?"
"I’ll have a glass of lemon tea," replies Jeremy.
"Me too," says Isaac, "and make sure the glass is clean."
Five minutes later, the waiter returns with two lemon teas on his tray. As he’s about to hand them out, he asks, "Who asked for the clean glass?"
942-
How do you know if a black guy has been using your computer?
It's gone
943-
Two Irishmen walking past a Police Station.
A big poster at the front reads "Two Black men wanted for rape!"
Paddy turns to Mick and says "Dem Fokkers always get the best jobs".
944-
A man was on Regent Street in London and entered a very posh gourmet food shop.
A salesperson in a morning coat with tails approached and politely asked, "May I help to you, sir?"
"Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No, no," responded the dignified salesperson, "you mean 'smoked salmon'."
"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No, no. You mean 'crepes'."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, A pound of chopped liver."
"No, no. You mean 'pate'."
"Okay," said the Jewish patron, "a pound of pate, and I'd like you to deliver this Saturday morning."
"Sir," said the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep chazzerai on Shabbos."
945-
Four Jamaicans were sitting around a campfire near the beach. They were all
"philosophising" on what was the fastest thing in the world Seymour said, "I tink de fassess ting in the world is a "thought", because before you can tink of it, it already thought." Mildred said, "No man, the fassest ting in the worl' is a "blink", because before you can tink to blink, you dun blink already." Lucy said, "No, no, the fassess ting in the world is helectricity, because when you turn on de light switch, de 'lectric travel farss-farss and the light com on before you done know it." Leroy said, "All ah-onoo wrong!! The fastest ting in the whole worl' is
diarrhoea. "Everyone sey, "Diarrhoea?" Leroy said, "Yes man, cause las' night, ev'n before I could tink, blink, or turn on de light dem, mi done shit up mehself."
946-
Way.... back in da Louisana swamp, Der lived a family named Geautroux, Gaston & Clouteal.
One mornin' Gaston got in his Pe'rouge (a flat bottom canoe) an paddled inta' town to go to work.
Dat evenin' he come paddelin' home and Clouteal was standin' on da bank of da bayou. Ol' Gaston asked: How you doin' taday Cherre'?
Clouteal said: Ya no dat big ass alligator dat live behind da house? Gaston said: Ya...
Well...... he ate one of da kids!!
Ol' Gaston jumped up and started to yell!! Wat da matta wit you woman!!
She said: Gaston, Dats alrite, we go to bed and make another one.
Gaston tought a little bit and he reluctantly agreed.
About a year later, Gaston was commin' home again and she was standin' on da bank. He says , How you doin' honey?
She says OK, but dat big ass allegator ate another one of da kids !!! Gaston flew into a rage !! Clouteal said: Don't worry, I'll jus make sometin' ta eat and we can go ta bed and make another one!
Gaston once again reluctently agreed.
About a year later Gaston was commin' home again and she was standin' on da bank. Gaston was afraid ta ask how she was doin'.
She said: Dat Allegator ate another one if da kids !!!
Ol' Gaston jumped up and threw his paddle down an stomped inside da house wit
Clouteal close behind.
She said: It's OK, I'll cook somtin' and we can make another one!!
Gaston turned to her and said: What are you woman couyan' (crazy), If you tink I'm gonna work all day and fuck all nite ta feed dat big ass allegator, Ya Crazy
!
947-
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.
948-
The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English - now dubbed Hebonics - as a second language. Backers of the move say the city's School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.
According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question plus a complaint that is implied or stated.
Thus: "How are you?" may be answered, "How should I be, with my feet?"
Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or
scepticism.
An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."
Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as: "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."
Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On- Hebonics.
Question: "What time is it?" English answer: "Sorry, I don't know." Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"
Remark: "I hope things turn out okay." English response: "Thanks." Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"
Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready." English response: "Be right there." Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time." English response: "Glad you like it." Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?
Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged." English response: "Congratulations! " Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."
Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?" English answer: "Just say when." Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"
To guest of honour at his birthday party: English remark: "Happy birthday." Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."
Remark: "A beautiful day." English response: "Sure is." Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
Answering a phone call from son: English remark: "It's been a long time since you called." Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
949-
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?"
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, "What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."
950-
What's the difference between a nigger and a chocolate bar?
Chocolate bars don't stab you.
951-
Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services.
Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day.
Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.
Ahmed says, "Look at your sign. It says, "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support"
Britons who see that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money.
You will still have no job and a large family."
Now look at my sign."
So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads:
"I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan"
952-
What's the difference between a nigger and a bicycle?
The bicycle doesn't start singing old man river when you put the chain back on!
953-
Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar.
"Bartender," he says, "give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab."
When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A moment later he's at her side.
"That was very kind of you," she says. "Won't you sit down?"
After a few minutes of small talk, she says, "Let me be honest with you. You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm a professional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred dollars. Now, if that's not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, and I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings."
"I'm surprised," says Berkowitz. "But you're a beautiful lady, and I like you, too. I've never done something like this before, but sure, let's go upstairs."
When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says, "I was wondering. There's something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish."
"Well, I am," she replies a little defensively. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz. "And since we're both Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount."
"Dammit," she replies, "I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making any profit!"
954-
Why are there so many beautiful women in Scandinavia?
Because the Vikings left all the ugly fuckers in Scotland.