Doctor 2
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Have you heard about the latest wonder drug?
When administered to women, it gives them the irresistible urge to join a convent.
The FDA refuses to approve it, though. They fear it will be habit-forming.
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The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.
"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."
"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."
"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."
"My last period looked like meat."
"My balls feel soft and mushy."
"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."
"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"
"I got the dripper."
"I have food chunks in my urine."
"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."
"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."
"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."
"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."
"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."
"Can't you put the swab in further?"
"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease."
"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."
"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."
"The seam in my circumcision split open."
"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them."
"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."
"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me."
"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."
"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"
"My pee smells like ham."
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Medical Sex Facts
1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile. (But who cares?)
2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world . It's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress.
4. Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause
spon taneous fizzle.
5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.
6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipulations, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.
7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the Marines.
8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face. (For whom? )
9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check your insurance policy.
10."Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal response to immense orgasm.
11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see a guidance counsellor.
12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if it belongs to your partner.
14. You know that you've had too much sex when your life begins to flash before your eyes.
15. You know I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash before my eyes.
16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in demand.
17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.
18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head (wear a hat during sex).
19. Sex on an inclined surface (an anthill, for example) builds endurance.
20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven seconds or four to seven feet.
21. 1970 FDA approves spray-on Vaseline.
22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.
23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every 10,000 strokes.
24. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference between a birthmark and a rash.
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The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."
The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
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A middle aged woman sought help from her doctor.
"All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him," she said. "And he's right too. I have no desire at all."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office.
"Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor, "What does your husband say now?"
"How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."
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GIRL: I have done a great sin. I called a boy a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: .. Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD..
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my bra.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD..
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD..
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD..
GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: THAT BASTARD.!
247-
A California doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asks her if she is sexually active...She says that she is not.
An examination shows that she is pregnant.
Asked why she said she was not sexually active, the woman replied, "I'm not, I just lie there."
"Well, do you know who the father is?" the doctor asks.
With a puzzled look she replies, "No. Who?"
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IMPORTANT BULLETIN
Many men are buying "black market" Viagra from Mexican mail-order drug stores.
The U.S Food and Drug Administration has announced several of these pharmacies are mixing Viagra with ground up Mexican jumping beans. The results can be something...unexpected.
Here is what happens when Viagra is combined with Mexican jumping beans:-
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I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
250-
A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."
The man asks "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra."
The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"
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A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests,
the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no
problems. I did notice one anomaly, however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing," said the doctor.
"I'd like to write this up for The American Journal of medicine if you don't mind."
She said, "OK."
"First of all," asked the doctor, "How many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied, "We're called .."
"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred!"
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Dear Dr. Dover: I wish to apply for an operation to cut my nuts and make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married here in West Virginia I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait
3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy... but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.
I asked the pharmacist about condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.
Yours sincerely, Bubba Brickhead Morgantown, West Virgina
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Benjy the dentist was also a golf fanatic and would often take time off work for a round of golf. One day, he told his secretary to cancel all his appointments. She was also to leave the following voice mail message on his phone: -
'Dr Benjamin is fully occupied today as he needs to fill 18 cavities. Please ring tomorrow for an appointment. Thank you.'
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Abe is in a terrible state and goes to see Dr Myers, his psychiatrist.
"Doctor, I need your help in a big way. I feel very suicidal. What should I do?"
Doctor Myers replies, "You must pay me in advance
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Becky was talking to Shlomo. "Oy vay, Shlomo."
"What's wrong, Becky?" he asks.
"I was thinking about myself this morning and I couldn't believe just how things have got worse now that I'm chronologically challenged. I'm living with osteoporosis and my kidneys are so bad that I have to have regular dialysis. I have terrible circulation in my feet and can't feel my toes. I've survived a triple-heart bypass operation and had both my hips replaced. I'm loosing the sight in my right eye and my hearing is terrible. I've got a new left knee and the other one is deteriorating."
"And that's not all, Shlomo. I'm sure I'm suffering from senile dementia - I can't remember whether I'm 73 or 79. I'm also sure I'm suffering from senile dementia - I can't remember whether I'm 73 or 79."
"But I continue to survive, Shlomo - at a price! As a result of the 50 daily medications I take to live from day to day, I suffer from diarrhoea, wind, dizziness and sometimes even blackouts. But, my dear Shlomo, thank God I still have my driver's license."
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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
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Two old men with Alzheimers were sat in the recreation room of the old peoples home, when one said to the other " I fancy an ice cream how about you ?".
The other said " I'd love one, with a flake and sauce on"
With that the first old man makes to walk off, the second old man calls after him " hold on a minute and I'll write that down for you because you will only forget".
" No I won't " He replied I won't be long.
Ten minutes later the old man returns with two burgers.
" What's that ? " said the other old man.
" Burger what does it look like " said the first old man.
" I know " replied the second " But what happened to the fries and mayo ?"
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Sadie goes to see her psychiatrist, doctor Myers, to get help on an issue concerning her sexual relationship with her husband Abe.
Doctor Myers explains, "OK, but I can only help you if you are open and honest with me. Is that agreed?"
"Yes," says Sadie.
But after just 15 minutes, doctor Myers has to tell her, "We're getting nowhere, Sadie. You're too secretive. I'll try just once more - please reply quickly to the questions I'm going to ask you or I won't be able to help."
"OK." says Sadie.
"Have you ever looked directly into Abe's face while you were making love?" asks doctor Myers.
"Yes," replies Sadie.
"We're making progress at last," says doctor Myers, "So tell me, Sadie, when you looked directly into Abe's face while you were making love, did you see any emotion there?"
"Yes," replies Sadie, "I saw great anger on his face."
"Excellent," continues doctor Myers, "we're nearly there. So when you looked directly into Abe's while you were making love and saw great anger, could you please explain to me exactly what Abe was doing at the time?"
Sadie replies, "He was up a ladder looking at me through the bedroom window."
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EXERCISES TO PREPARE FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE
1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you with his applicator.
2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your throat.
3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.
4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort."
5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.
6. Remove all actual food from the house.
7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.
8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.
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How to avoid the flu
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
OR . You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So......
I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can't get you!!!!
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A young, married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.
The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.
But, there's still no result and another month later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.
Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."
"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."
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"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the
gynaecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient. "Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked. "Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"
263-
The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him." she said "And he's right too. I have no desire at all." The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now." "That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?" "How should I know ?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."
264-
During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You get undressed and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?" "Your clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of mine!"
265-
Jonathan goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh."
The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient."
"OK then" says Jonathan, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor.
Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes, "I'm so sorry," he says to
Jonathan, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
Jonathan looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."
266-
Man says to doctor " every time I look in the mirror I get an erection".
Doctor says " that’s cause you look like a cunt".
267-
Lynn fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly, "Lynn, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband Bill is bound to get suspicious."
"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been screwing for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
268-
The doctor tells his patient: "Mandy, I have some good news and some bad news."
She asks for the good news first.
"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."
"And the bad news?" Mandy asks.
To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural bitch."
269-
"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds.
"I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time...."
270-
A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price.
"This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on.
"It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic," replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year.
My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic."
"But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land," said the younger man.
The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever, right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them." He continued, "I'll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course, that's just the beginning.
A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working."
"Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright. I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!"
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Bob walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please".
With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!"
To which the Bob replies, "Make it 100 then..."
272-
The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws. At last, he took his assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps, to give the patient's balls a vicious pinch.
The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily removed.
"Didn't hurt, did it?" asked the dentist.
"Not too much," replied the patient, "but who would have thought the root went that deep....?!"
273-
Patient: “How much to have this tooth pulled?”
Dentist: “Ninety dollars.”
Patient: “Ninety dollars for just a few minutes work?”
Dentist: “I can extract it very slowly if you like.”
274-
A Jewish man in New York breaks his dentures. He searches around for a dental technician who will make a replacement at a reasonable price. The first quotes $300, the next $400 and the third $500, all much too expensive for him.
Then his wife, hearing of these prices says, "Well, Hymie, why don't you speak to my nephew, Solly - he's just qualified as a dentist and I'm sure he'll give you a good deal."
Hymie says, "Oy Vay . Solly is a schmuck - he's no experience and I wouldn't like to wear dentures he'd made."
However, after some nagging by his wife, he goes to see Solly who says that he could make a set of
dentures for $100, and he finally agrees to have the set made. After a few weeks, Solly comes up with the dentures but they don't fit too well. Hymie takes them back a few times and Solly puts on a bit of material here and grinds off some there but they still don't fit.
Then, for about three weeks, Solly does not see Hymie. By chance they meet in the street.
"Hello Uncle Hymie," Solly said, "it's good to see you - how are the dentures?"
"Solly," he says, "let me tell you a story. For the past couple a' weeks I am on a vacation in the Caribbean, fishing. One day we are out and I am fishing off the back of the boat when I hook a great big tuna, maybe 300 pounds. This very strong fish swims away from me and I'm trying to hold him but the line runs out over 200 yards and I really am struggling."
"Then the fish turns and swims towards the boat - he's coming at me very fast and I am frantically trying to reel in the line which falls into the boat and gets wound around my testicles. Suddenly it turns and starts to swim fast away from the boat."
"Solly, right then for the first time, I don't feel your dentures!"
275-
A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."
276-
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
277-
The new patient was airing his woes to an understanding doctor:
"After the first, I'm tired, Doc. After the second, my chest aches and I start getting pains in my legs. After the third, I feel like fainting and it takes half-an-hour for my heart and respiration to return to normal."
"Why don't you quit after the first?" inquired the doctor. "How can I do that, Doc?" said the patient. "I live on the third."
278-
Doctor Terminology! What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away." I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?" He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news." The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops." Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests." I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you." He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound." I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little." Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up." The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal." Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests." I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around." My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.
279-
A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, very little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about his personal life.
"Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize all the time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceable poison to give her, so I may end my misery."
The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives. He said, "Besides, you'll get life in prison yourself, at best. I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her coffee. You can then 'love her to death'. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife too much. She'll be gone in a month at best."
The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning. Three weeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned.
After office hours, he stops by his friend's house to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day. The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight, and looked terrible.
The doctor asked, "What the Hell happened ???"
The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day and night." Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze.
Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim and dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis. As she leaped into her new sports car, her husband cackled and said to the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn't a lick of sense. If she only knew she has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so God damn frisky."
280-
Bob took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment. "This Is one hot potato of a lady, Doctor," he said. "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, and I get very jealous."
"We'll see," the doctor said. He directed the missus into his examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.
The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm. It was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on top of her and began to screw her.
Bob heard moans and groans coming from the room. Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door, only to be confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife banging away.
"Doctor, what are you doing?" he asked.
The flustered doctor said, "Oh, it's you, Bob? I'm only taking your wife's temperature!"
Bob opened his switchblade knife and began to wipe it on his sleeve very deliberately. "Ok Doc,....." he said, "but when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!"
281-
The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology "How do you determine if a patient is cured."
The psychologist explains. "We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub."
"I see," says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because
it's bigger, and would empty the tub faster".
"Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply pull the plug".
282-
An older man was sunbathing in the nude, when a wasp stung him on the penis.
He made an urgent visit to his doctor and explained the situation.
"Please can you remove the sting, Doctor?" he pleaded. , , , "But don't do anything about the swelling.
283-
The regulations at Golders Green Hospital require a wheelchair to be provided for all patients being discharged. So when Michelle, a student nurse, was told that the patient in Room 50 was being discharged, she found a wheelchair and took it to the room. When she entered, there was Moshe, an elderly man, fully dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. "OK, lets go," she told him, "just pop into the wheelchair and I’ll take you downstairs."
Moshe argued with her. "But I don’t need your help to go downstairs, nurse. I’m not that old. I can do it perfectly well by myself."
But no matter how hard he insisted that he didn't need her help to leave the hospital, Michelle was more insistent. "You just have to leave in the wheelchair, no matter how fit you think you are – it’s the rules," she said, "You can’t change them."
So very reluctantly, Moshe let Michelle wheel him to the lift. On their way down, Michelle asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," Moshe said, "she's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
284-
My wife came home from the doctor's office and said that he told her she couldn't make love.
I've always known this, but how did he find out?
285-
The head nurse was nearing retirement, she had seen just about everything come through the hospital's
labour and delivery unit and always remained calm and unruffled. A sixteen-year-old in
labour was having a lot of pain, writhing on the bed, fighting her contractions, swearing, and refusing to consider epidural analgesia. Streams of obscenities erupted from her room and the girl yelled FUCK right into the nurse's face.
With absolute calm, the nurse patted the girl's arm and said, "You've already done that part. Now it's time to have the baby."
286-
The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with the proper tool in his hand.
He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!"
"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"
287-
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the
gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the exhaust pipe."
288-
A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?"
289-
The old gentlemen was aging more rapidly than he wanted.
"Your gout is getting worse." said the doctor. "I recommend that you give up smoking, drinking and sex for a while."
"WHAT!" said the man. "Just so's I can walk a little better?"
290-
An 80 year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked: "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said: "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." The doctor said: "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?" The old timer said: "Who said my Dad's dead?" The doctor said: "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said: "He's 100 years old and in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive. He's a golfer." The doctor said: "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said: "Who said my Grandpa's dead?" The doctor said: "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! How old is he?" The old timer said: "He's 118 years old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said: "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" The old timer said: "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married." The doctor said in amazement: "Got married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get
married?" The old timer said: "Who said he wanted to...?"
291-
The late actor, Sir Ralph Richardson was acting in a play when, in mid-scene on stage, suddenly turned to the audience and uttered the immortal words, "Is there a doctor in the house?"
A man stood up and said, "Yes, Sir Ralph. I'm a doctor, what's the matter?"
"Doctor," said Sir Ralph, "Isn't this play awful?"
292-
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say "Moo!"
293-
A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"
The girl replied, "... uh ... not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay... let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.
"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girl's butt.
Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."
294-
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his workshop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. He straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked: "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic..."Try doing it with the engine running!"
295-
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
And the old man said: "I thought It was a fart........... but I was wrong."
296-
A guy goes to see a doctor and after a series of tests the doctor comes in and says,
"I've got some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately, you've only got 3 months to live."
The patient is shocked, "Oh my god! Well what's the good news then, doctor?"
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk,
"You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"
The patient says, "Yes."
The doctor smiles and replies, "I'm banging her!"
297-
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly: "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
298-
One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.
The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor. The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is"
299-
A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release. When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in this place." Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in this place" Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him. The patient said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You
have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions."
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready. So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready. He said, "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."
"Good," they said, and then what?"
He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating."
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what?"
"One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed."
"Yes?", the board said excitedly.
"Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to do?"
He said, "I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
300-
A woman walks into the doctors office with a huge boil on her arse. The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core. He says this is too big a job for me so he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.
The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says "this is no problem" and he proceeds to press his lips to her arse and sucks out the pus and core of the boil.
Halfway through, the woman drops a mammoth fart. Gus stops what he's doing, looks up and says "You know lady, its people like you that make this job fucking disgusting.
301-
Bob visited his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And Bob did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor.
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the Bob.
"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."
302-
The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix.
"See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together."
"I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly, "and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time."
Mr. Tuckerman whispered, "Yes, but from an IUD?"
303-
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !"
"Oh no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in
watercolours."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.
304-
The doctor knocked at the hospital door before entering Jill's room. Jill called out to come in. The doctor then proceeded to tell Jill to remove all of her clothing after which he gave her a thorough, from top to bottom, front to back, leaving no part of her body untouched. When he had finished, Jill looked the doctor straight in the eye and asked, "Doctor, can I ask you a question?"
"Of course," he replied.
Jill asks, "Why did you bother to knock?"
305-
Doctor Simon is known throughout London as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment. One day, Hetty, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon’s office.
15 minutes later, to everyone’s surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face. A woman in the waiting room says to Hetty, "It's unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?"
"Miracle, shmiracle," says Hetty, "he just gave me a longer walking stick."
306-
"Y'all got any American razor blades in here ?" the Texan asked the London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinsons."
"Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo."
"I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if they ain't any good," the Texan retorted.
"I can assure you they are very good sir." the peeved druggist said. "Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated a neighbour, cut two of a delivery boy's fingers off at the knuckle -- and I still got 10 shaves out of it."
307-
A cattle rancher lived very far from town, his wife was pregnant and about due. He went to see the doctor because he wouldn't be able to get his wife to the doctor in time for the birth of his first baby.
The doctor told him, "Hank there's nothing to worry about. You've delivered calf's from a cow before haven't you?"
Hank says, "Yes"
The doctor says, "Well it's the same thing involved when a woman gives birth to a baby."
Hank leaves much less worried.
A few weeks later Hank stops by the doctor's office and tells the doc. "I'm the proud father of a 9-pound boy."
He smiles. The doc asks, "Did everything go OK?"
Hank answers, "Yeah, just one thing, I almost had to beat the shit out of her to make her eat the afterbirth
308-
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bar- tender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He spluttered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me the world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.
"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me any- more!"
309-
A college graduate was suffering from constipation, his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the he complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
He says, "What do you think I've been doing, shoving them up my ass?"
310-
Saw a commercial for Cialis. The end of their commercials always have some "warnings" about using it. One of their warnings stated something like 'erections lasting more than 4 hours may need immediate medical attention'.
I can see this guy going to an emergency room and saying "I've got a hard on that won't go away!"
"Well sir, would you like to see a doctor?"
"No, maybe a nurse or two."
311-
A guest lecturer to the Medical College stopped by the bulletin board.
Listed for the day was the topic, " Surprises in Obstetrics".
Scrawled under it in pencil were the words, " Mary had a little lamb."
312-
In a Chicago hospital, an elderly gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. 'Sir, she said:' you may use the ladies' room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.' He did what he needed to and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each grey button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP and there was also a red one marked ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. So he pushed WW and warm water was sprayed gently across his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought, men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water and gently dried his undercarriage.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable delight. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its task, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he just knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew as he opened his eyes, he was back in bed with another nurse staring down at him. 'What happened?' he exclaimed: 'the last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button...' She
snapped: 'The ATR button operates an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow!'
313-
A nun goes to a doctor because she thinks she had crabs.
She says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think I have crabs, but I don't understand how I got them because I've never had sex before!"
So the doctor says, "Well, lets take a look."
So the nun pulls down her pants, pulls down her underwear, and fruit flies come flying out of her vagina.
The doctor says, "Sister, you don't have crabs. Those are fruit flies,... your cherry's rotten!"
314-
A female
acquaintance of mine had tired of playing the club/dating scene and after deciding to find some financially suitable and physically presentable gent to settle down with who had all the correct hair,
skin and eye colouring, was the right height and weight for her planned assault in producing offspring to cement, she thought, her future financial security. She was very surprised to find a candidate so quickly.
The one hang up to her plan was the victim was a product of a small southern bible college and being a bit naive, wanted a world class beauty, well educated, street wise, untouched virgin bride to marry.
Since she had thrown off all bounds of virginity way back in high school to seek out the hidden mysterious passions ` reputed to be associated with wild boys and sex she was about as far from being mistaken for a virgin as one could get.
But seeing she was determined to go forward with the pursuit of her goal, I suggested she visited a doc I knew to see about the possibility of reconstructing her hymen and hide or mask any hints of her previous sexual activities.
The doctor told her that it would cost around $500, but there was another quicker way that would cost only $50 and with the addition of some hysterical theatrics on her part, he thought she could no doubt accomplish the same ruse.
So my friend opted to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes and then informed her she was ready for launch or "hot to trot !"
After the wedding "first night", the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, the screams, everything was there.
Then she asked him how he did it. He looked at her, smiled devilishly and said, "I tied your pubic hair together,"
315-
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me." "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaller. Never touch a drop." "How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it." "Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much of a sex life?" "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night... always have been." The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." "OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight."
316-
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours." she replied. "Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?"
After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."
317-
The night before my bypass surgery, the doctor wanted me to take a shower; which was fine with me, after three days of using a basin and washcloth.
As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. The one asked, "Are you going to me able to manage OK?"
I said, "I feel weak and dizzy. Perhaps both of you would be kind enough to get in the shower with me."
The little blonde Nurse looked up and said, "Nice try."
318-
"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."
319-
A distraught young man made an appointment with a psychiatrist, " I was out of town on business," he told the doctor, " and I wired my wife that I would be coming home on Tuesday, instead of
Wednesday. When I got home I went straight home as fast as I could, and when I got there I found her in bed with my best friend". The man then broke down into
uncontrollable tears. The doctor considered the problem for a couple of moments, then shrugged and said," maybe she never got the telegram."
320-
When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted he join the Army. At the induction physical, the Army doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across the room. "What chart?" the young man asked. "The one on the
wall!" the doctor said. "What wall?" Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, the doctor asked his beautiful nurse to walk in Naked. "What do you see now?" "Nothing." "Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said," but your indicator is pointing toward Ft. Leonardwood!. Welcome to the Army son."
321-
Murphy was a very famous microsurgeon who worked in a hospital way up in the wilds. Nearby the hospital, there was a factory and in the factory, there was this incredible machine. Now, the worker of the machine had to put his hand inside the machine many times a day to retrieve the parts after they were processed and, as there was a kind of blade that came round, the worker had to time it correctly so as the blade did not interfere with his hand as he was reaching into the machine. One day, anyway, he was feeling a bit under the weather and as he reached into the machine to retrieve the part, he was too slow getting his hand out of the way, the blade came 'round and off went his hand! So, a few of his colleagues ran over and said, "Never mind, Tim! You'll be all right!" And, with that, they quickly put his severed hand into a plastic bag with ice and took him up to the hospital, saying, "There's genius of a surgeon who's just started to work at the hospital and his name is Murphy." T hey rushed Tim into the operating theatre and, after a six-hour operation; he woke up the next morning in a hospital bed. He was afraid to look, but eventually opened one eye and he spotted his hand back in its normal place. Amazed, he moved one finger, then he moved another finger, then another, another and another . . . then another (he had six fingers on the one hand; very unusual hand). He was back to normal and two days later he was down the pub playing accordion as if he'd never had his hand chopped off. Now, back at the factory, some of his colleagues were very curious about this machine and came over a few days later to have a closer look at it. One lad, completely overcome with curiosity, stood up on the edge of it and lost
concentration for a moment and his leg slipped. Around came the blade and chopped off his foot! His friends were very quick to react: "Never mind, Brian! Hurry up lads, take him off to the hospital; he'll be all right!" And, with that, they quickly put his severed foot into a plastic bag with ice and took him up to the hospital, saying, "Don't worry, Murphy the miraculous microsurgeon will save yer foot." They rushed Brian into the operating theatre and, after an eleven-hour operation, he was out playing football the following weekend. At this point in time, Murphy's reputation had gone completely through the roof and he was hailed as the most incredible micro surgeon since microsurgery began. On the following Monday, a few more of the factory workers who were curious about the machine came over to have a look at it and one guy was trying to figure it out and stuck his head in. . . and the blade came 'round and chopped his head off! "Never mind, Mick! Quick, hurry up lads, take him off to the hospital; he'll be all right!" And, with that, they quickly put his severed head into a plastic bag with ice and took him up to the hospital, saying, "Don't worry, Murphy the miraculous micro surgeon will save you." They rushed Mick into the operating theatre and Murphy operated on him for twenty-four-hours straight. All the factory workers were waiting outside when Murphy the microsurgeon appeared at the door and the workers began to shout, "Hey, is he talkin' yet?" " Can he sing a song?" "Is he all right?" Murphy looked at them and said, "He's dead." Shock and disbelief! "But, but, what about Murphy's miraculous microsurgery?" "Oh", said Murphy, "That worked 100%, but you guys smothered him with the plastic bag."
322-
The doctor approached the husband who was in the waiting room while his wife was being examined. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has syphilis." The husband exclaimed, "What could possibly be 'good news' with a situation like that?" The doctor replied, "She didn't get it from you."
323-
Sherry goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger....."
324-
Moshe and his friends Abe, Max and Nathan meet at Brent Cross shopping centre for a coffee - as they do every Monday. They sit down and Moshe starts to discuss the importance of regular medical check-ups. He asks his friends, "So when did you all last have a medical?" All reply it was years ago. So Moshe tells them of doctor Myers, a wonderful doctor he went to and who gave him the best examination he’s ever had. He suggests they each contact doctor Myers and book a check-up ASAP. They agree to do so and take down the doctor’s phone number.
The following Monday, Moshe asks his friends, "Nu, how went the medicals?"
"After my check-up," says Abe, "doctor Myers asked me how old I was. I said I was seventy and he said I could expect to live another 30 years. I was so relieved and happy to hear that."
"After my check-up," says Max, "doctor Myers also asked me how old I was. When I said I was eighty he said I could expect to live another 20 years. You can’t believe how fantastic it was for an eighty-year old to hear that."
Nathan is looking very sad and doesn’t say anything at first. But Moshe eventually persuades him to discuss how his medical went. "Being older than all of you," says Nathan, "I have been loathe to see a doctor. But when Moshe told us of doctor Myers, I reluctantly booked to see him. After my check-up, the doctor asked me how old I was. When I said I was ninety, he looked at me and said, ‘Thanks for coming. Have a nice day.’"
325-
The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I found a new route... Now I need some birth control pills."
The doc asked, "What's his occupation?"
The girl said, "Army."
"Active or retired?"
"If he wasn't active, I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?!"
326-
Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you friggin' twat!"
327-
EPT (early pregnancy test)
Blue means not pregnant.
Pink means pregnant.
Brown means you had it in the wrong hole.
328-
The Queen of England was visiting a hospital and she stopped by one of the beds to
speak to the man lying there.
"What is wrong with you, sir?" she asked the man.
"I got a wart on my balls," he replies, much to the astonishment of the nurses. One of the nurses immediately rushes over to him.
"You can't say that to the queen!" the nurse shouts.
"Well what should I have said then?" replies the man.
"Something like you have a bruise on your back, or a cut on your arm, or a graze on your knee. Anything but 'I have a wart on my balls'!" answers the nurse.
Two months later, Princess Anne is visiting the same hospital, and just happens to pass the same bed, with the same man in it.
"What is wrong with you, sir?" asks the princess.
"Um, I have a bruise on my back," replies the man.
"Oh," the princess answers, "I'm so glad to hear that your balls are better... I'll tell the queen."
329-
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural
splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from your recreational area...... I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
330-
The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.
Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.
She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene
behaviour.
"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"
"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you." And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too! Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!" "Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."
331-
The following extracts come in response to an advert in a South African woman's magazine called Femina. All of the extracts are from people who's first (or even second) language is NOT English! and who live, to put it politely, a very rural existence.
Back in 1985, SA Femina Magazine ran an advertisement for Nelex, a medicine for the treatment of a vaginal infection known as vaginitis.
The ad prompted hundreds of letters from sufferers countrywide, most of them from black women who were clearly unsure as to what exactly was wrong with them.
The letters were collected by Win Kuppers, boss of the advertising agency that created the Femina ad who swears that every single one of them is genuine, no spelling or grammar has been changed.
Herewith extracts from some of the most hilarious ......
1. My interesting language is English, so you better send me an English copy of your vaginitis......
2. Please send me the following symptoms : itching, discharge, unpleasant smell.....
3. I am one of those with a virginal problem..... I will be very grateful if my disease were acceptable........
4. Dear Sirs, greetings as patient to you, but I have not got enough time to express my sickness over this paper. I want to come by myself to confess my sickness to you after I use this Nelex.......
5. The trouble is my vaginitis and that I'm so ugly.....
6. How can I get vaginal infection? Most chemists cannot help.....
7. Is vaginitis normal, or does it occur by mistakes like having sex....
8. My husband is not happy with the behaviour of my vagina at bed time....
9. Please send me more information about these vaginal erections....
10. My symptoms are some of the ones you didn't mention, so please send me another medicine...
11. Every boyfriend left me and made another girl pregnant, so maybe you can help me....
12. With modern life of anonymous infection, I have found your vaginal infection very handy and unavoidable...
13. I tried Dettol, Omo (washing powder) and also pure brandy. All in vain.....
14. My problem is itching, burning pain after intercourse when the weather is cold or foggy...
15. I am a young lady of 1963. Will you please send me more news about my virginia pains during intercourse, even when I'm not having intercourse at all....
16. I use to have sex eight to ten times a day. Now I am very dry. I went to the hospital and thay told me I have too much sex. Maybe I should move to Durban for the humidity.....
17. I am a girl of 21 years of edge. Can you help me with virginial infractions..
18. Last night the virginial infections suddenly attacked me. What do you want me to do...
19. Please send me Nelex. I am so sick I will even pay for it....
20. My virginia is wide open, but I only slept with my husband alone, but he says I am a bitch I slept with many men. Can you close my virginia for me....
21. I really want a baby, but I don't want to be pregnant....
22. The first time I noticed vaginal infection was in your advert.....
23. My vargin is beginning to irritate me. I scream at it sometimes but it doesn't help....
24. Sometimes my anus produces an unpleasant smell.....
25. Please send my letter back so I can remember what I have written......
26. Please advertise more so that I can remember that I have an infection.....
27. I stopped to have sexual intercourse with my husband, but he hasn't stopped with me.....
28. My problem is I feel itching even when my husband romances me with his erection...
29. I never told anyone about my symptoms, now I see them publicly advertised.....
30. I am 42 years old, but the infections started when I was much older....
31. .... and please reply as soon as it is convenient for me.
32. I have pain during sex, and also during intercourse....
33. My virgin is badly leaking. Does Nelex work like a cork.....
34. When I was 13 I spray my vagina with Airoma room-freshener. Now I am 18 and I need your help.....
35. Please send any good and large information to my suffering vagina.....
36. According to symptoms advertised, I have discovered four of them in my Promised One. She urges me so help me to help her. 37. My new address is (address supplied).. ........ but please send your reply to my old address
38. Can I get vaginal infection without prescription......
39. Nelex the effective treatment, is it also effective in Zimbabwe....
40. My husband does not know where I live, so we never have sex.....
41. I have never had sex, but I have this virginity problem.......
42. The bath water must have infected me, although I swear nobody bathed after me in the same water.....
43. I have reorganised my virginia recently .......
44. It is easy to know when I have vaginitis, but how do I know when I do not have vaginitis.....
45. How are you at that side of Randburg? I hail to you with my wife's vaginal infection from Zimbabwe.....
46. .... but I know that some people order the thing without knowing them of seeing in other words they order them for nothing without using them.....
47. I am 20 years old and will be 21 sooner than expected........
48. I cannot tell my mother about it; she has no vagina.....
49. The last time I looked for my vaginitis, I could not find it anywhere....
50. My vagina was discharged recently..........
51. My vagina is deceased......
52. I am a doll of 19 and I want to introduce my itchy vagina to you....
53. I hope you are in a favourable condition for my vaginitis......
54. I have this virginity disease. I hope my letter arrives at tea time so you can study it better.....
55. I don't know if the smell really comes from my vagina. My nose cannot reach it properly......
56. .... but I promise, my body also has some healthy parts.....
57. How are you sir? I am very well, but I am also a very sick girl.....
58. Thank you for telling us how to avoid burning and itching virgins......
59. I live very far away, and therefore wander if my letter will reach you....
60. I am not an ignorant girl, but how can I be sure......
61. Please rescue my vaginal cavity from attack, Sir , and send me this infection quickly...
62. This Nelex it can help me. I will call my first son Nelex......
63. Also my eyes and kids are very itchy. I better stop looking at them....
64. I air my vagina three times a day, much to my husband's regret....
65. At today's price of water, I'd rather use Nelex....
66. I have five of the four symptoms you mentioned.....
67. You will find the vaginal infections at the above address....
68. Please send me everything. The Nelex, the vaginal infections, the vaginitis, the reliable relief from symptoms.....
332-
Just before her 70th birthday, Kitty says to her husband, "You know what Harry? I think I'll go see Dr. Besser and get myself checked over. I haven’t been to see him for ages."
"That’s a good idea, darling," says Harry.
Two days later, Kitty is telling Dr. Besser why she’s come. "I haven’t had a check-up for over 25years and I think it wise to have one now," she tells him.
"I agree," he says. "Get undressed, put on this gown and go sit down on the bed over there. Then I’ll look you over."
As soon as she’s done what he’s asked, Dr. Besser goes over to her, puts his hand under the gown, lifts her right breast and tells her, "Say 99."
"99," says Kitty.
"Nothing wrong there," says Dr. Besser. He then lifts her left breast and again says to her, "Say 99."
"99," says Kitty.
"This one’s fine too," says Dr. Besser. "Now I’ll like to check out your other vitals. Lie down on the bed and put your feet in the stirrups."
Kitty does what the doctor asked. Dr. Besser puts on a rubber glove, rubs on some KY jelly and starts to check out Kitty’s private parts for any problem signs. He once again says to her, "Say 99."
This time Kitty replies, "One, two three, four ........"
333-
Q: Why do doctors and nurses really wear masks during an operation?
A: If somebody fucks up, nobody will know who it was.
334-
Jon, Brian, and Amanpreet were all locked away in a mental institution for many many years. (Where they belonged, mind you.)
One day, the head quack tells them that if they pass a test he wanted to administer to them, they'd be deemed mentally competent and free to leave the nut house. Should they fail, however, they'd be locked away for another five years of observation.
All three took the doc up on his offer. The four of them went to the hospital's indoor pool. The pool was drained of water. The doctor leads the patients up to the diving platform, some 60 feet in the air.
The doctor motions to Jon. "Jump."
Without hesitation, Jon leaps off the platform, right into the pool, breaking both arms in the process.
The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Brian, "Jump."
Also without hesitation, Brian flies off the platform into the empty poll, breaking both of his legs.
After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells Lizard Pecker, "Jump."
Amanpreet shakes his head. "Naw. I don't think so."
The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically and says, "Congratulations, 'Preet. You're a free man. Just tell me one thing. Why didn't you jump?"
"Easy," Amanpreet says, "I can't swim, Asshole ."
335-
Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've got to give you draft."
336-
"My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week."
"Why is that?"
"I'm playing around with his wife."
337-
The shapely woman was in the
gynaecological stirrups, and her doctor was in the middle of his examination when he suddenly stopped and said brusquely, "Look, madam, I'm a happily married man ... so would you please stop squeezing my hand?"
338-
"How did the accident happen?" asked the doctor.
"Well," explained the patient, "I was making love to my girlfriend on the living room rug when, all of a sudden, the chandelier came crashing down on us."
"Fortunately, you've only sustained some minor lacerations on your buttocks," the doctor said. "You're a very lucky man."
"You said it, doc," the man replied. "A minute sooner and it would have fractured my skull."
339-
A guy calls his wife from the emergency room. He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where he works.
"Oh my God!!" cries the woman. "The whole finger?"
"No," replies the guy. "The one next to it!"
340-
The hunched-back man decides very reluctantly, that he should go see a doctor after a few too many people have started to comment on his back.
DOCTOR: I need for you to get undressed, sir.
(Hunchback removes jacket and then stops)
HUNCHBACK: I really don't like getting undressed, doctor.
DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed. (Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his t-shirt on)
HUNCHBACK: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.
DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not? (Very reluctantly, the hunchback removes his t-shirt)
DOCTOR: Ah... just how long is it since you were in school?
HUNCHBACK: Gosh, over 20 years, doctor. Why?
DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder all those years what happened to your backpack?
341-
A bloke and his wife went to a family planning clinic.
"We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids", said the husband. "And the next-door
neighbours say it's because we're stupid."
"Nonsense," smiled the doctor. "It's probably to do with your diet. Or it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?"
"Do what?" asked the wife.
342-
A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"
The girl replied, "... uh ... not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay... let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.
"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.
Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."
343-
Paul and I were talking one day when Paul says, "I went to see the doctor the other day for that pain in my back."
"So what happened?" I asked.
"Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee. Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee?"
"Why would he want you to sit to pee?" I asked
"Well", said Paul, "With my bad back, he doesn't want me picking up anything too big."
344-
Margaret went to her new
gynaecologist for her first exam.
The doctor got her in the stirrups and spread her legs. Then the doctor said, "Oh My God!!! In my all of my career, I have never seen such a huge vagina!! ... huge vagina!!"
She said, "Doctor, I know it and I'm very self-conscious about it. But you didn't have to repeat yourself."
The doctor replied, "I didn't. It was an echo!"
345-
The doctor took Gail into the room and said,
"Gail, I have some good news and some bad news."
Gail said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name the disease after you."
346-
Doctor: "Madame, I'd like to give you a thorough examination. Please take off all your clothes."
Patient: "But doctor, I only stopped by for the blood test results. Dr. Johnson found me in perfect condition just yesterday."
Doctor: "So he told me... so he told me."
347-
A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I, need, to see the upturn, please."
"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination."
"Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the girl replied "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I, haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."
348-
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it:
The nurses hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!"
"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!"
349-
The anatomy lesson for the week was the way in which the body of a handicapped person compensates for its deficiency. As an example, the professor showed a slide of a man with no legs whose arms and shoulders had consequently become hugely muscled. "Your assignment," he instructed a pretty medical student, "is to find someone who has compensated for a physical handicap and to report on it for the class."
After class the student went into the bar next door, and what should she catch sight of but a hunchback nursing a beer at the bar. Screwing up her courage, she went over and told him about her assignment. "If you don't mind my asking," she said sweetly, "is there some part of your anatomy which has compensated for your handicap?"
"As a matter of fact there is," said the hunchback. "Come up to my place and I'll show you." When they got upstairs, he dropped his pants and revealed the biggest cock she had ever seen. Kneeling down, she couldn't resist touching it, then caressing it, then rubbing it against her face.
"For God's sake, don't blow it!" screamed the hunchback, jumping back. "That's how I got the hump on my back."
350-
A man is coming around from surgery when a recovery nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four letter word the doctor used in surgery." he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
351-
Jill, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It has gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your willpower and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
352-
Jeff was seeing his doctor. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has herpes." "Jeez! What could possibly be good news." "She didn't get it from you."
353-
Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table.
She did so.... The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts." After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?" "Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear..."
354-
A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.
The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"
The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
355-
A guy goes to see his GP complaining of feeling like a moth.
"It's the psychologist you need to see" explained his GP, "His office is two doors up."
"I know" said the guy "but your light was on".
356-
Robert wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation to cure his constant fatigue. "You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried. "I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?" "Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off gradually.
357-
This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.
A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis.
The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"
"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"
"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."
358-
A young lad gets a job in a pharmacy. A lady comes in and asks for a box of tampons. The lad being really shy runs into the back of the shop and asks one of the female assistants to serve the lady. The female assistant returns to the lad and tells him "this is the sort of thing you will have to get used to if you want to continue working here."
The next month the same lady comes into the shop and asks "can I have a box of tampons please". The young lad overcomes his shyness and serves the lady. This goes on and after a few months the lad becomes more confident.
One month the lady comes in, this time she asks for a packet of cotton wool. The young lad rather surprised at this request quick replies "have you started rolling your own?"
359-
"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," Steve complained. "I've tried everything, but I just toss and turn."
"You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part of your body to sleep separately."
That night Steve crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to talk to his body. "Toes, go to sleep," he whispered. "Feet, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep. Hips, go to sleep. Stomach, go to sleep"
Just then his wife walked in wearing a transparent teddy.
John opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow. "OK," he shouted, "up, up... everybody up!"
360-
The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked.
The wife shook her head, "No. Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."
361-
Sadie is 80 years old and is under the care of Doctor Myers. One day, she phones Doctor Myers and says, "Is it true, doctor, the medicine you’ve just prescribed for me must be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes Sadie, I'm afraid it is," replies Doctor Myers.
Sadie thought for a while then continued, "Well then, doctor, I’m wondering just how serious is my condition."
"Why do you ask?" says Doctor Myers.
Sadie replies, "Because on the prescription it says, ‘NO REPEAT PRESCRIPTIONS’."
362-
The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."
"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"
363-
A guy goes to see his doctor to get his test results.
"Well Mr Jones, I have some good news & some bad news for you. The good news is that you have only 24hrs to live.
"That's good news?" wails Jones, "What the fuck is the bad news?"
The Doctor gives a sheepish grin and says, "I should have told you yesterday!!!"
364-
Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.
The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.
But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"
The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."
365-
Doctor: Do you remember what your husband's last words were?
Wife: Oh, yes. He said, "I wonder how they can make a profit selling this red salmon at fifteen cents a can?"
366-
The Centre for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.
367-
The doctor tells his patient: "Dianne, I have some good news and some bad news."
Dianne asks for the good news first.
"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."
"And the bad news?" Dianne asks.
To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural bitch."
368-
A friend of mine is a nurse at a Chicago hospital. One evening, when she was on emergency room duty, a young man came waddling into the room assisted by his young wife.
"I want to speak to the doctor," he says. "Could you tell me what the problem is?" replied the woman behind the desk.
"I want to speak to the doctor," he replies.
His wife begins to snicker.
Eventually the doctor comes and gets the story. The couple are newlyweds. It was her birthday. The man decided to surprise her. His plan was to insert a small birthday candle into his erect penis, light it, and walk into the room singing "Happy birthday to you." When he inserted the little candle, he coughed, and the candle was pulled out of sight. The efforts of his panic only caused the candle to go down further.
The doctor had to sedate him with Valium and recruit several of the ER staff to assist in extracting the candle.
As the young woman assisted her wobbly husband out to the car, the hysterical laughter from the ER could be heard for blocks.
369-
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.
The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.
But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.
Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."
"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."
370-
A man called his doctor, and said "doc", you gotta come over here
quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her ass. The doctor said," okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her ass
until I get over there".
The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her ass instead of cheese. the doctor
said, "what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese". The man said, "I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up there!
371-
There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after things while he was gone.
The vet asked, "Is anything happening?"
The doctor replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it This is her third and the first two went really easily."
The vet said, "okay" and the doctor went on the fishing trip. When he returned, he called the vet. "How did things go while I was gone?"
"Pretty good."
"Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?"
"Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine."
"Did you have any trouble?"
"Well, there was just one little problem."
"What was that?"
"I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!"
372-
Things overheard at the STD clinic
The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.
"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."
"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."
"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."
"My last period looked like meat."
"My balls feel soft and mushy."
"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."
"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"
"I got the dripper."
"I have food chunks in my urine."
"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."
"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."
"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."
"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."
"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."
"Can't you put the swab in further?"
"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease."
"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."
"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."
"The seam in my circumcision split open."
"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them."
"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."
"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me."
"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."
"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"
"My pee smells like ham."
373-
One day on the psychiatric ward
A nurse walks into a patient's room and sees him pretending he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2.
The nurse asks him: "Charlie - what are you doing?" Charlie replies: "Can't talk right now, I'm driving to Melbourne!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and she asks: "Well Charlie, how was your trip?" Charlie says: "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest." That's great," replied the nurse: "I'm glad you had a safe trip."
The nurse leaves Charlie's room, then goes across the hall into another patient's room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Startled but smiling, she asks: 'Ed - what do you think you're doing?" To which Ed replies: "Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in Melbourne".
374-
A man had been in a terrible car accident, and woke up in the hospital. Looking around, he noticed a doctor leaning over his bed. "Jesus, doc," the man exclaimed, "what the hell happened? Where am I?"
The doctor replied, "You have been in a bad car accident, and you're in the hospital, but don't worry, you're going to be all right. The bad news is that we had to amputate your right arm, above the elbow."
"Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd rather be dead. I can't go through life without my arm. Please doc, kill me. I can't go on like this..." "Now, son," said the doctor, "with the miracles of modern medicine today, we can give you a bionic arm. It only costs one million dollars, and it looks and works just like the real thing. Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm."
"Yeah, great," the man groaned. "And where the hell am I gonna get a million bucks? I'm better off dead."
"Hang on, now," said the doctor. "We've been looking for a case like yours for a while now. We just came up with a new arm. For only ten thousand dollars, you can have it. It looks just like the more expensive one, but the only difference is that this one has a small microphone built into it, and you have to TELL the arm what to do. Other than that, it works just like the other one."
"Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford ten grand. Go ahead, sew it on."
The next day, the guy woke up in the same bed, and saw the doctor leaning over him again. "Well, doc, how did it go? Is everything all right?"
"We think that the operation was a success," replied the surgeon, "but you will have to try it out, and let us know if there are any problems with it."
Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed, practicing with his new arm. "Lift up," he commanded. The arm lifted up. "Move right." The arm moved to the right. "Move left." The arm moved to the left. Everything seemed to be working without a hitch, and he was really pleased. All of a sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom. He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the restroom. "Arm, reach down and undo my zipper." The arm obeyed. "Take out my wang." The arm obeyed flawlessly. The guy took a leak, and when he was done, he commanded, "Shake it." The arm gave it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!" The arm gave it a good shake.
"Hey," said the guy, "that feels pretty good... jerk it off."
375-
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and legged it.
The next evening, the man was at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate-chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off once more. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said: "Yes, I'd heard there's a really nasty bug going around..."
376-
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones. "Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine." "Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails. The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her
faeces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly." Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."
377-
I've been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It's very common among losers."
378-
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled
past.
The woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice: "Hi there handsome, how ya doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off.
"Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife. "Oh, just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor.
"Oh, yeah!" snarled his wife, "In whose. profession? yours or hers"!
379-
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.
He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."
"You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"
380-
One of the hospital
room-mates I happened to have while recently recovering from heart surgery was this poor strapping young farm boy from the boonies who mangled his penis in an a motor cycle accident.
- It was apparent from all the young farm fresh young lovelies that visited the room that he was quite popular, Well I later learned that one of the reasons for all the attention he was getting, was it seems, he and all the male members of his family were exceptionally well endowed,
- I really felt sorry for the poor guy till I heard from one of the interested floor nurses that each of his male relatives had volunteered to donate one
inch each in an attempt to relieve his and no doubt his anxious harem's misery.
- About a week after the operation, returning to the room after a trip down to X-ray, I seen the nurse in question hurriedly leave our room and found the young man sitting upon his bed, crying.
- I asked if there was a problem with his surgeon's handiwork and he tearfully answered, "It's almost perfect, but why in hell did the doc have to go and put my Grandpa's inch in the middle?"
381-
A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up.
The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"
The girl replied, " ... uh ... not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay ... let's try your armpit," the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.
"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girl's butt.
Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "That's not my butt, Doc!"
The Doc replied, "Well, that's not my thermometer, either."
382-
A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report. A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car."
383-
Three London surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in London. A concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and eight months later he performed a private concert for the Queen ."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and two years later he won a gold medal in field events in th e Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head- on into a train
travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's blond mane and a big ass. Now she's the Duchess of Cornwall.
384-
The NEW ABCs
A is for apple, and B is for boat, that used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said, but let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now, A is for arthritis 'B's the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline'
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears.
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I've kept 26 doctors fully employed!!
385-
A business man was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news " says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "The good news, I have another one to replace it, but it's a woman's arm!" "Carry on" says the man." As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and
6 months later the business man was out on the golf course and he bumped into the surgeon who operated on him. "Hi, how's the arm?" asks the surgeon. "Great" says the business man. "My golf has improved and my handicap is down, but
every time I go for a piss, the bloody thing wont let go!!"
386-
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a
gynaecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.
A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the
gynaecologist again.
The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynaecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"
He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynaecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that
gynaecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"
387-
A woman went to see her gynaecologist.
Doctor, she complained, my husband says I’ve got a bum like a horse
The Doctor asked her to take off her clothes and lie on the examination bad.
After examining her he said Okay, you can dress now, went back to his desk and begun writing.
What are you writing Doctor? she asked him
Ah said the Doctor It’s a permit letter, allowing you to shit in the street
388-
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear perfectly. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear once again." The old chap replied: "Oh, I haven't told my family yet, I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times so far!"
389-
The shapely woman was in the gynaecological stirrups, and her doctor was in the middle of his examination when he suddenly stopped and said brusquely,
"Look, madam, I'm a happily married man ... so would you please stop squeezing my hand?"
390-
"No need for me to come out to the house," the doctor told the worried caller. "I've checked my files and your uncle isn't really ill at all - he just thinks he's sick."
A week later, the doctor telephoned to make sure his diagnosis had been correct. "How's your uncle today?" he asked.
"Worse," came the reply. "Now he thinks he's dead."
391-
Medical Breakthrough Medications
St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.
392-
Late at night, the phone rings at the chief Doctor Rosenberg’s home.
‘It’s for you” said his wife It’s Dr. Levy
Hello, yes, this is Dr. Rosenberg said the Doctor What is it?
Everything is fine said Dr. Levy I’m here with Dr. Bloom and Dr. Cohen, we’re having a little game of poker and we’re short of one hand, I thought maybe you want to come over and join us?
Sure, sure, of course replied Dr. Rosenberg I’m leaving right now
His wife asked in alarm: What happened?
It’s very serious said Dr. Rosenberg They already called 3 Doctors
393-
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic
gynaecologist?
A: He wants to look at your vinegar.
394-
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me." "I know." grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
395-
Marvin was in the hospital. He was an old man.
Anyway, there was this young nurse. Every time she came in, she talked to him like a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice "And how are we doing this morning?!"
One day, Marvin had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a Urine Bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.
The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "It seems we are a little cloudy today..."
At this, Marvin snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."
396-
Jeff was seeing his doctor. The doctor said, "I have
good news and bad news."
"What's the bad news?"
"Your wife has syphilis."
"Jeez! What could possibly be good news."
"She didn't get it from you."
397-
A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.
The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"
The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
398-
To: All EMS Personnel From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP
(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom),
TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge".
8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.
399-
There was a man in a hospital who thought that he would die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish. Nurse he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Kruschev." (you know a president of the ex USSR who was fat and had no hair on his head). "Nikita Kruschev? But he is dead for a long time." "I don't care I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!" The nurse didn't know what to do. Then she thought of something. As the man did not wear his glasses the nurse takes her beautiful tits out of her bra and offers the left one to the man. He holds it, caresses it and very moved. He said, "Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend!! How happy I am to see you again!" He was kissing her left tit so warmly that the nurse started liking the whole situation. She asks the man, "What about kissing president Eisenhower's head." "Yes!! Is he here too?" "Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her right tit. "Oh my dear president how happy I am to see you here," said the man, kissing again and again, "Eisenhower." The nurse liked all that very very much; and started to feel her pussy getting moist; so she asks the man, "What about Fidel Castro?"
400-
Two patients limp into two different
British medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for
6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever.....The second is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet.
401-
One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike: "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"
"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies: "there's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid... a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points too."
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.”
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. So, he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction and awaits the results.
The computer printed the following:
***Tesco Diagnostics***
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet.
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...!
***Thank you for shopping at Tesco***
402-
A guy has a boil on his ass. He goes to his GP, his doctor, and the doctor says, "There's nothing I can do. I'm gonna refer you to a private doctor. It looks to me like you should go, because this thing could get infected." So, he goes to this private doctor and the private doctor looks and says, "Gee, there's nothing that I can do. This thing is out of control, but I know this specialist you should go to." He refers him to this specialist. The specialist has a look. The specialist is appalled. He says, "OK. There's nothing I can do, but I can refer you to this one guy who I think might be able to help you" and he writes the name down.
The guy follows this address. It takes him down to these docks. He's wandering around these docks and he finds this old wooden door with a name. It says on the front "Peter Puss-sucker." He opens it up and there's this guy in there who has one tooth. He says, "Let me have a look." The guy pulls down his pants and there's this huge boil on his ass. He says, "That's fine. Bend over. What I'm going to do is bite into this boil and I'm gonna suck out the poison... It's the only thing we can do."
So, he bends over and the guy bites into it and is sucking the poison out. The guy can't help it, he farts in his face. Pete stands up and says, "Jesus, man! Blokes like you make this job disgusting!!!"
403-
Dr. Barradley completed his examination of the teenage girl, then took her mother aside.
"I'm afraid," he said, "that your daughter has syphilis."
"Oh, my!" exclaimed the embarrassed woman. "Tell me, could she possibly have caught it in a public lavatory?"
After giving it a little thought, Dr. Barradley responded, "It's possible," then added, "but it would certainly have been uncomfortable."
404-
Guy goes into doctor’s surgery and says “I didn’t want to come here Doc but my family made me. They think I’m crazy”
Doc. “What do they think is wrong with you?”
Guy. “I like sausages”
Doc. “What’s wrong with that? I like sausages too”
Guy. Great, come back to my house I’ve got thousands”
405-
Issy is not well and goes to see doctor Myers. After examining him, doctor Myers says, "Well, I can help you, but it will require many sessions."
"OK," says Issy, "how much is this going to cost me?"
"The 12 sessions plus drugs will cost you £1,000," replies doctor Myers.
"Oy," says Issy, "I’m not a wealthy man, doctor. Couldn’t you make it less?"
"Well … I could do it for £850," replies doctor Myers.
"It’s still more than I can afford, doctor," says Issy, "I’ve 3 children and a Jewish wife to support."
"OK," says doctor Myers, "how about £700?"
"It’s still too high, doctor," says Issy. "My business is doing terrible and my wife has told her mother that she can live with us."
"Alright already," says doctor Myers, "I’ll do it for £600 and not a penny less."
"Thanks doctor, I can accept that," says Issy.
"Good," says doctor Myers, "but tell me – why did you come to me to seek treatment when you know I’m the most expensive doctor in this area?"
"Well," replies Issy, "you’ve got a marvellous reputation and when it comes to my health, money is no object!"
406-
One day, there’s an explosion at the oil refinery where Moshe works and although he doesn’t lose his life, he does lose his ears - both are blown off in the blast. So he goes to see doctor Myers, a Harley Street specialist. After examining him, doctor Myers says, "Well Moshe, I can reconstruct your ears without too much of a problem."
"That’s great news, doctor," says Moshe, "but how will you do it?"
"I use one of 3 types of material for reconstructing ears," says doctor Myers. "I can rebuild using plastic, cow’s ears or pig’s ears. Here’s some samples to help you chose."
Moshe carefully feels each sample in turn. He thinks the plastic too hard and the cow’s ears too soft. But the pig’s ears feel very natural and though he isn't happy using non-kosher materials, Moshe decides to go for them.
Three weeks after the operation, Moshe goes back to Harley Street for a check up. Doctor Myers is pleased with the appearance of Moshe’s new ears and asks him whether his hearing is impaired in any way.
"No doctor," replies Moshe, "but I do get some crackling from time to time."
407-
A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."
408-
Joe's wife was sick. Very sick. None of the doctors could figure out what was wrong with her. He was about to go into her room and visit her when her doctor approached him. The doctor said: "These might be her last few days, so you should do whatever she asks of you, so that she may die happy."
Well... Joe thought this over and decided that that was a great idea. He went in and they talked for about 3 hours. After awhile he asked her if there was anything that he could do for her. She thought for a little bit and said, "Make love to me. Eat my pussy.... Fuck me like you never have before..." He thought this was a little much in her condition, but since It might be one of the last times he sees her he decided to comply.
The next day he came in, and her doctor said that she was much better, and he should do whatever he did yesterday. Well.. he walked in and they talked, and she requested they make passionate love again, and again he complied.
After about 5 days of this she had fully recovered, and was able to go home. She walked into the living room to find that Joe was crying. She said, "What's the matter? I'm fine now. You have nothing to worry about." He replied, "I know, but all this time I can't stop thinking that I could have saved Mum!"
409-
"Doc," said the husband, "I got nine kids and the wife's expecting again. How do I stop the stork?"
The doctor replied, "Shoot it in the air!"
410-
"In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in, I can't see a thing."
"Now, that's a most interesting optical reaction, that may well have anatomical as well as physiological basis." the researcher replied. "If you don't mind young man, I should like to have a look at it."
So, the student volunteer shrugged and stuck out his tongue.
411-
Bob took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment. "This is one hot potato of a lady, Doctor," he said. "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, and I get very jealous."
"We'll see," the doctor said. He directed the missus into his examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.
The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm. It was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on top of her and began to screw her.
Bob heard moans and groans coming from the room. Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door, only to be confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife banging away.
"Doctor, what are you doing?" he asked.
The flustered doctor said, "Oh, it's you, Bob? I'm only taking your wife's temperature!"
Bob opened his switchblade knife and began to wipe it on his sleeve very deliberately. "Ok Doc,....." he said, "but when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!"
412-
A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The national grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."
"Fuck me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well."
413-
A middle-aged woman enters her family doctor's office in a frantic state.
She says, "Doctor, I think I'm turning into a horse!"
The doctor, taken aback, replies, "I'm sure you may have SOME problem, but I assure you no human has ever turned into a horse."
The woman became more insistent and said, "Doctor, look at my teeth. They're getting bigger and more yellow!"
The doctor calmly replied, "Yes, I see. Your teeth appear a bit larger and more yellow than your last visit, but I don't think you're turning into a horse."
Getting more frustrated, the woman said, "Well, I think I'm getting a mane! Look at all this hair on the back of my neck. It's grown 5 inches in ONE WEEK!"
Becoming more concerned, the doctor said, "You're NOT turning into a horse. We'll just shave your neck occasionally."
At this point the woman became considerably frustrated, speaking faster and louder. "Just look at my finger and toe nails! They've become very thick and big. I'm developing HOOVES!"
The doctor in amazement cried, "Holy cow! I've never seen finger and toe nails THAT big!"
Then the woman pulls up the back of her skirt and said, "And look at this, doctor. My backbone is protruding significantly from my butt!"
The doctor looked in amazement, then started scribbling on a small piece of paper.
The woman asked, "Are you writing me a prescription?"
The doctor said, "No. I'm writing a memo to my brother-in-law. He works at City Hall. Take this to him and he'll give you a permit to take
a shit in the street!"
414-
The army doctor rounded all his men up to check on their intellectual faculties. Taking a small handkerchief from his pocket he says. "Smith, when I wave my handkerchief what
does it make you think about??" "Oh!! Sir it makes me think of the train station.
Well Smith ... why does it make you think of the train station.
Because Sir ... on Sundays in the afternoon we often would go down to the train station, and when the train left the station people would wave their handkerchiefs like you do Sir.
Very good Smith. Let's see you, Thomas, when I wave my handkerchief what does it make you think about??
Oh well Sir... It makes me think about the port.
Why does it make you think about the port??.
Sir, because when I go to the port the passengers on the outgoing ships wave at their relatives and friends that way.
That's very good Thomas, let's see you Gibson, when I wave my handkerchief what does it make you think about??.
Sir. It makes me think about fucking! Oh, I see, well why does it make you think about fucking??
Because Sir, the only thing I think about is fucking.
415-
A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute).
In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, you can forget that hand-waving shit. I can talk now!"
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet.
The mute jumps from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!"
"VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Tuesday, we continue with 'B'."
416-
Marijuana has been proven to have a multitude of medicinal uses. And it's not
just bunch of potheads wanting to smoke pot either! 2% of them would reap actual
medical benefits!!! Here's Cannabis Canada's recommended dosages:
Symptom/Illness - Treatment
Glaucoma - 1/4 ounce per week, use as needed
Asthma - two large bong hits per attack
Minor burns - 1 joint every 4-6 hours
Insomnia - bowl at bedtime and as soon as you wake up
Depression - three large bong hits, 5-8 times per day
Hangnail - 1/2 ounce per week as long as symptoms persist
Feel kinda funny - pot brownies after each meal
My balls itch - antifungal cream applied to balls, and 2 - 3 joints per day
Jonesin' for some pot - 1 full ounce every 4 days, refill as needed
Waay tooo stoned man - Smoke as much as needed until you feel 'normal' again
Can't cope with shit - Stay in bed and smoke plenty of pot until better
Getting bored with Quake - One large bong hit every time you save game
Paranoia - Smoke as much pot as humanly possible (while you still can)
417-
One goes to the Doctor and said:” Doctor, I’m going mad, I really don’t know what else to do, I’m completely addicted to the internet , the whole day I’m on the computer, games, chats, forums…”
The Doctor replies:” Well, I know an excellent site that might help you”
418-
A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price.
"This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on."
"It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic," replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year. "My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic."
"But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land," said the younger man.
The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever -- right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them." He continued, "I'll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course, that's just the beginning.
"A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working.
"Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright. I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!"
419-
"Is there a woman here in need of assistance?" asked the medic from the ambulance as he knocked on the door.
"Yes." replied the man opening the door. "It's my wife. She has an electric vibrator lodged in her."
"Well, we'll have to transport her to the hospital." the medic replied. "Those things can be tricky to remove."
"Never mind." said the husband. "We have a health plan which doesn't allow emergency room visits except for life-threatening incidents. But for now, could you at least turn it off? It's interfering with the TV."
420-
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
421-
Man says to doctor "Doc I keep thinking I'm a cowboy"
Doc says "How long have you had these feelings?"
Man "Oh, about a yeehaa"
422-
The Queen of England was visiting a hospital and she stopped by one of the beds to speak to the man lying there.
"What is wrong with you, sir?" she asked the man.
"I got a wart on my balls," he replies, much to the astonishment of the nurses. One of the nurses immediately rushes over to him.
"You can't say that to the queen!" the nurse shouts.
"Well what should I have said then?" replies the man.
"Something like you have a bruise on your back, or a cut on your arm, or a graze on your knee. Anything but 'I have a wart on my balls'!" answers the nurse.
Two months later, Princess Anne is visiting the same hospital, and just happens to pass the same bed, with the same man in it.
"What is wrong with you, sir?" asks the princess.
"Um, I have a bruise on my back," replies the man.
"Oh," the princess answers, "I'm so glad to hear that your balls are better...I'll tell the queen."
423-
She was beautiful, blonde and buxom - a perfect specimen of womanhood - with a small baby in her arms. He was in his first day in private practice, eager to show he knew all about everything.
"What's seems to be the problem?", he asked in his best medical manner.
"It's the baby", she said, "He seems under-nourished."
Earnestly the doctor carried out an extensive examination of the baby and then asked, "Is he breast-fed?"
"Yes doctor, he is", she replied.
"Will you strip off to the waist now, please?" the doctor said.
The young woman looked at the doctor somewhat anxiously, and began to protest. "But doctor ... "
The doctor simply brushed her protestations aside by saying, "it is better to look at everything ... so if you wouldn't mind?"
Blushing with embarrassment, she took off her blouse and bra, revealing a perfect pair of large, firm breasts. The young doctor professionally weighed each one in his hands, stroked them forward and back, and then gently flicked each nipple in turn for a few moments, finally lightly squeezing them between his fingers and thumb.
Ah!", he said, as his face broke into a knowing smile. "That's the problem, you do not have one little bit of milk!"
"Oh doctor, that's not the problem", she replied, "I'm just the baby-sitter - but it sure has been a REAL pleasure meeting you!"
424-
Saw a commercial for Cialis. The end of their commercials always have some "warnings" about using it. One of their warnings stated something like 'erections lasting more than 4 hours may need immediate medical attention'.
I can see this guy going to an emergency room and saying "I've got a hard on that won't go away!"
"Well sir, would you like to see a doctor?"
"No, maybe a nurse or two."
425-
A man went to see the local doctor and complained because his wife was having too many little bastards; she was having at least one per year. He said, "Doc, ya gotta help me, I can't gets enough welfare or steal enough to feeds
'em all."
The doctor got down his medical reference book and looked up the problem. He told his patient the book said if a man's bitch was having too many brats, he should remove the man's right testicle. He then administered
anaesthesia with a beer bottle and took out his pocket knife and performed the surgery.
Three years later the man was back at the doctor's office complaining the surgery had failed; she was still having at least one per year. The wise doctor took his book back down and studied the problem.
The doctor said, "Well, the book says if your wife is having too many brats to remove your right testicle, we've done that. If she still has too many brats, then we should remove the left testicle." Once again he got his beer bottle and his pocket knife and performed surgery.
Three years later, the same man was back complaining the surgery had once again failed. The doctor was quite perplexed and got his book back down.
After several minutes of study he told his patient, "It says here if a man's wife is having too many brats to remove his right testicle. If she continues to have too many brats, remove his left testicle. We've done all that. The next page says if the man's wife still has too many brats after you have removed both testicles, you've done castrated the wrong man!"
426-
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, It seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might
be a haemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "haemophilia is a genetic disorder And it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman
to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?"
After calculating for a moment the hooker replied,
"Oh, about two or three thousand dollars, I guess."
427-
Doctor, I keep seeing things
What sort of things?
Well, Mickey Mouse, Pluto and Donald Duck to name a few.
And how long have you been having these Disney spells?
428-
Two buddies are on their way to the U.S. Army Induction Centre for physicals. Neither wants to go to war, so one says, "I hear that if you don't have any teeth they won't take you." They decide it's worth a try, so they stop at a dentist and have all their teeth pulled. When they arrive at the Induction
Centre there is a line waiting to get physicals. They decide it might look fishy if both stand in line, one after the other, so one guy heads for the back of the line. Just as he steps into line, a big ole farm boy hits the end of the line right in front of him, so the second toothless guy lines up behind him. The first toothless guy steps up and the doctor asks, "Anything wrong with you?" The guy says, "Well, no, except I don't have any teeth." The doctor says, "Open up and let me have a look." The guy opens his mouth and the doctor runs his finger around his gums and says, "Sure enough, you stand over there." The line slowly progressed to his buddy while he waited. The farmboy in front of him steps up and the doctor asks, "Anything wrong with you?" The farm boy says, "No doc, 'ceptin I have a little case of the piles." The doctor says, "Bend over, spread 'em and let me see." The boy does. The doctor rams his finger in, pulls it out, looks at his finger and says, "Sure 'nough. You stand over there." The next toothless guy having observed the examination with the farmboy steps up and when the doctor asks him, "Anything wrong with you?" "Not a damn thing ... just give me a gun, I'm a fighting son-of-a-bitch !!"
429-
A police officer was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
430-
The doctor approached the husband who was in the waiting room while his wife was being examined. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news."
"What's the bad news?"
"Your wife has syphilis."
The husband exclaimed, "What could possibly be 'good news' with a situation like that?"
The doctor replied, "She didn't get it from you."
431-
The nurse went out into the hallway and spoke to the man in the sterile gown and mask pacing up and down saying, "The delivery is going so well, wouldn't you like to come in now?" "No! I can't stand all that blood and screaming. Leave me alone." A few minutes later, she went out again and said, "It is almost over. Wouldn't you like to come in now?" "No! Leave me alone! I told you I can't stand all that blood and screaming!" "But, you must," the nurse replied. "The delivery is almost finished, you are the doctor!"
432-
A pregnant woman went to the
gynaecologist, and when asked what was the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard." Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, "Your nipples get hard?" "Yes," quite innocently came her reply. "Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed doc. So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer. After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, "Well
madam, I don't know what you have, but it's sure as hell contagious!"
433-
A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted "he's behind you"
434-
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
435-
The doctor tells his patient: "Mandy, I have some good news and some bad news."
She asks for the good news first.
"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."
"And the bad news?" Mandy asks.
To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural bitch."
436=
"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds.
"I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time...."
437-
Mrs. Jones frantically called her doctor, Dr. Smith, and asked, "Doctor, did I happen to leave my panties in your examining room when I was there earlier today?"
Dr. Smith replied, "No. We found no panties here."
Mrs. Jones answered, "O.K., I must have left them at the dentist's."
438-
A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant "Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients".
"Yes, sir!!!" answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole, how was your day?"
Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo ya Ole, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Ole.
"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!"
And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
439-
Q: Why do doctors and nurses really wear masks during an operation?
A: If somebody fucks up, nobody will know who it was.
440-
Benny goes to have his prostate checked but when he arrives at the clinic, he’s surprised to be met by a very attractive young female urologist. "Don’t be shocked," she says to him, "there are now quite a few of us women entering the field of Urology. I’m very good at my job, really. So just get up on my couch, take off your lower garments and relax."
Benny does as he’s told.
She puts on some gloves, goes over to him and says, "I’m now going to check your prostate. You’ll notice that my procedure is a little different to what you’re probably expecting, but it won’t hurt. Please lie on your right side and raise your knees to your chest."
Benny does as he’s told.
"Good," she says. "Now while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say ninety-nine."
Benny does as he is told and says, "ninety-nine."
After 30 seconds of probing, the doctor says, "OK, now turn over onto your left side, keeping your knees raised to your chest.
Benny does as he’s told.
"Good," she says. "Now as before, take a deep breath and say ninety-nine while I do my checking."
Benny does as he’s told and says, "ninety-nine."
After another 30 seconds of probing, the doctor says, "Very good. Now for my final check. Please turn over onto your back, keeping your knees raised. I will then check your prostate with one hand whilst holding onto your penis with the other. It will only take a few seconds. And as before, while I’m checking take a deep breath and say ninety-nine."
Benny is no fool. He does as he’s told, and says, "One...two...three..."
441-
One woman said to another, "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new
gynaecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynaecologist is so old!"
The other woman replied with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands shake "all" the time!"
442-
A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he was afraid that his teenaged son had come down with V.D. "He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to be her."
"Don't worry so much," advised the doctor. "These things happen."
"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same symptoms."
"That's unfortunate."
"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."
"Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it."
443-
Our nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper.
Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion.
But after a particularly long pause, he explained,
"I'm really sorry, folks. I can't seem to make out what I've written down."
Looking out into the audience, he asked,
"Is there a pharmacist in the house?"
444-
An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."
445-
When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted he join the Army. At the induction physical, the Army doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across the room. "What chart?" the young man asked.
"The one on the wall! "The doctor said.
"What wall?"
Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, the doctor asked his beautiful nurse to walk in
naked. "What do you see now?"
"Nothing."
"Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said," but your indicator is pointing toward Ft. Jackson!. Welcome to the Army son."
446-
The scene is a psychiatrists office. A patient is saying, "Doc you gotta help me.
I'm 38 years old and I still wet my bed."
The psychiatrist said, "My good man, that is merely an acting out of a retarded ego development and a rejection of adult responsibilities. We can stop you from wetting your bed in two ways. The first is psychoanalysis; five visits a week, fifty dollars a visit."
The guy says, "What's the second way?"
The doctor replies, "Rubber shorts, $2.00 a pair."
447-
An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear "Give us a kiss, luv!"
"No!", replied the nurse
"Oh go on!", said the man
"No!", replied the nurse again
"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"
"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be wanking you off!"
448-
Man goes to the doc and says" I have a problem. After I masturbate I start to sing
'You'll never walk alone'."
The Doc says "don't worry, lots of wankers sing that."
449-
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up,
She said "You have to stop wanking."
I said 'Why?'
She said 'Because I'm trying to examine you'
450-
You Might Be a Nurse If...
** You avoid unhealthy looking peoples in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
** It doesn't bother you to eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand.
** You've had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."
** You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.
** You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage.
** You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.
** You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.
** You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food.
** You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.
451-
"Doctor, doctor, I've got problems with my hearing."
"What are the symptoms?"
"They're those yellow people on TV."
452-
A woman walks into a
gynaecologist's office for an exam.
She gets on the stirrups and the doctor says,
"You have a really huge pussy. You have a really huge pussy."
The woman replies, "You didn't have to say it twice."
The doctor says, "I didn't."
453-
A man went to the doctor because he had a problem with his penis dripping after had urinated. The doctor said, "No problem, we can fix that for you. It is really a simple procedure. We just graft a piece of skin from your nose onto your penis and it will take care of the problem." After the operation, the guy went to the washroom to see if the operation worked. He peed, shook and waited. Suddenly a small drip began to form and he thought to himself, it didn't work! Then all of a sudden he heard sniffff and it was gone!
454-
A young intern was making a morning visit in the maternity
pre-natal ward at the local hospital.
He stopped at the first bed and said: "What is the expected due date for your baby?"
"June 8th." she answered.
He went on to the next bed and repeated his question.
"June 8th." came the reply.
He asked the woman in the next bed the same question.
Again the response was "June 8th."
After getting the same answer seven times in a row, he found the next patient asleep.
He turned to the woman he had just questioned, and asked: "Does Mrs. W. here also expect her baby to be born on June 8th?"
"I don't know," was the reply. "You see, she didn't go to our company's summer picnic."
455-
There was a man named Jose that worked in the fields of a rural country cutting down trees, and every afternoon his wife Maria used to bring him his lunch.
Well one afternoon Jose got horny and started fucking the shit out of Maria, as they were doing it a bee flew by and stung her right next to her nipple.
Days went by and the swelling wouldn't go away, so Jose took her to the doctor's.
The doctor took a look at it and said "Well we're going to have to get the puss out in order for her breast to heal, and the best way to do that is to suck it out."
Jose looked at the doctor and said "Isn't there another way?"
The doctor said "Nope, the old-fashion way is the best way for this."
So of course he believed the doctor and went along with it, so the doctor went off on Maria's tit, I mean he sucked the shit out of it,
he had her moaning and everything.
A week later Jose while taking a piss got stung right on the tip of his dick so he went to the doctor.
The doctor took a look at it and said, "Holy shit, that things huge! I'll be right back, I'm going to go get a shot that will make the puss come right out."
Jose looked at him and said, "NO, no, no, like you said the old fashion way is the best way. Now start sucking!"
456-
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop
She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her
husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted: "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said: "I'm just pulling your leg, he's dead. What'd you buy..?"
457-
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read: "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go. Next, they tried: "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again. Then came: "Minds and Behinds." Still no good. Another attempt resulted in: "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!
So they tried: "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance. "Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." Everyone loved it.
458-
Man: Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm suffering from premature ejaculation. Can you cure it?
Doctor: No, but I suggest you find a woman with a short attention span.
459-
I went to the doctor the other day and he told me to cut down on smoking and masturbation.
I'm a 20 a-day man and smoke like a chimney...
460-
Doug goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?"
The doctor replies, "Try coming home at 3 in the morning!"
461-
A man was sunbathing in the nude, when a wasp stung him on the penis. He
made an urgent visit to his doctor and explained the situation.
"Please can you remove the sting, Doctor?" he pleaded. "But don't do anything about the swelling."
462-
A Code Of Ethical Behaviour For Patients ...
1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
463-
A woman goes to the doctors with her husband - she complains of a pain in her leg. The doctor asks her to sit on the examination table, and take her blouse and bra off.
The doctor steps over to her, and starts having a good old fashioned tug on her bangers. He's been stood there for about five minutes when the
woman's husband says, 'excuse me, doctor, but my wife did complain of a pain in the leg, you know.'
The doctor says 'have you spent seven years at medical school?'
The bloke says 'well, no.'
The doctor says 'right, fuck off then.'
464-
Jill goes to her
Gynaecologist complaining of pain during intercourse.
"Every time I do it doggy style, it hurts terribly!" she exclaims.
The doctor queries, "Why don't you use the missionary position?"
"I would...but I can't stand the dog's breath in my face."
465-
In his attempt to put a new patient at ease during a
check-up, a gynaecologist struck up a casual conversation with his patient.
After noticing the label on her sandals read "Hecho en Mexico," he asked his patient,
"So when were you in Mexico?"
Flabbergasted, the patient asked, "You can tell I was in Mexico from a pelvic exam?!"
466-
A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant "Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Garge. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:
"So, Garge, How was your day?" Garge told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Garge.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jaysus, Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes."
467-
Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.
The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.
But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"
The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."
468-
Completing his examination of the uncommonly well-built, beautiful blonde, the doctor said solemnly, "You are a very sick young lady. I don't want you returning to work this afternoon. Go home, get undressed and get into bed. Drink about a third of this bottle of medicine I'm preparing for you...it will make you drowsy. I don't want you to answer your phone or let anybody into your apartment until you hear three short knocks..."
469-
A man went to a dentist one day for a regular check up. The dentist decided that one tooth was in such bad condition that it should be extracted. The dentist advised the man of the situation who agreed to the procedure. When the dentist went to give the man an injection the man said
"Don't worry, I don't need an injection". The dentist went on to explain that the procedure could be very painful however the patient insisted that he would be OK without a needle. The patient went on to explain that he had two experiences in recent times that had made him immune to pain so the dentist went ahead and extracted the tooth. To the dentist's amazement the guy didn't even wince. The dentist, quite astonished remarked "
That was amazing, the two recent experiences you say you had that made you immune to pain must have been something special, would you care to tell me about them". The man said
"Sure, one day I was out hunting and suddenly had an overwhelming urge to evacuate my bowels. I ducked behind a bush and squatted down and my scrotum landed squarely on the trigger of a rabbit trap and CRUNCH!!". The dentist exclaimed
"Oh my god, that must have been excruciating but what was the second experience". The man replied
"When I ran out of chain"
470-
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."
471-
Woman goes to Herr Doktor and said, hey Dok, my fanny keeps singing "is this the way to Amarillo" is there something seriously wrong?
Herr Doktor said, no pet, every cunt is singing it .....
472-
Morris had just had coronary artery bypass surgery a month ago and now is at the doctor's office for his final follow up visit. Of course Morris wants to know when he can start having sex again.
The doctor explains to Morris that he would be able to resume his sex life as soon as he could climb two flights of stairs without becoming winded.
Morris listens attentively and then says, "What if I look for women who live on the ground floor?"
473-
I had a very disturbing letter from my doctor this morning that said I only had two weeks to live.
Imagine my relief when I realised that the letter was intended for my 10 year old son who is also called John Smith.
474-
I've been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It's very common among losers."
475-
The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Barradley, explaining that his nephew had gotten himself into quite a fix.
"See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together."
"I'll come right over, Mr. Barradley," said the dentist calmly, "and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time."
Mr. Barradley whispered, "Yes, but from an IUD?"
476-
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair was three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off. Written in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week
477-
A guy goes to the psychiatrist, "What seems to be the problem" the psychiatrist asks.
I keep thinking I'm a dog" the guy says
"How long have you felt like this?" he asks
"Ever since I was a puppy" the guy replies
"Ok lie down on the couch" he says
The guy replies "I'm not allowed on the couch"
478-
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly leaning on her cane. When her turn came she went into the doctor's office and amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?" She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle . . he gave me a longer cane."
479-
A PGA professional golfer, in a awful car crash, was rushed to the hospital where the surgeon told the pro he had lost his right arm...but he has good news. The despondent pro said. "there goes my life. Doc." Not necessarily, my good man," answered the doctor. He said that a lady, before dying, had donated all of her organs and body parts to anyone who was in need. The surgeon said he could transplant the lady's right arm to the pro golfer. The pro became ecstatic and the operation was a success. Three months later, the pro visited the doctor to tell him his new arm and hand was winning tournaments right and left. "That's great, said the surgeon. "Not only that, Doc, but my handwriting has improved a thousand percent, I've also taken up oil painting and sold my first canvas for $3000,00." "Unbelievable," said the doctor. I'm so glad the transplant was such a success." "But there is one problem.: the golf pro said. "What's that?" asked the surgeon. "Every time I touch my dick, I get a terrible headache."
480-
A guy goes to the doctor and says 'I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse'. The doctor says 'How's that?', and the guy replies 'Don't you fucking start'.
481-
The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I found a new route... Now I need some birth control pills."
The doc asked, "What's his occupation?"
The girl said, "Army."
"Active or retired?"
"If he wasn't active, I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?!"
482-
A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people.
Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression.
On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA."
The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA"....
Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a
physician's aid.
After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out.
Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing.
Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist.
Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.
Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem"
"What is it?" the man asked.
"Why you have an abscess," said the dentist.
"An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man.
"That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda."
483-
The nurse went out into the hallway and spoke to the man in the sterile gown and mask pacing up and down saying,
"The delivery is going so well, wouldn't you like to come in now?"
"No! I can't stand all that blood and screaming. Leave me alone."
A few minutes later, she went out again and said, "It is almost over. Wouldn't you like to come in now?"
"No! Leave me alone! I told you I can't stand all that blood and screaming!"
"But, you must," the nurse replied. "The delivery is almost finished, you are the doctor!"
484-
A pregnant woman went to the
gynaecologist, and when asked what was the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard." Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, "Your nipples get hard?" "Yes," quite innocently came her reply. "Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed doc. So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer. After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, "Well
madam, I don't know what you have, but it's sure as hell contagious!"
485-
The nurse approached him, smiling. "The labour is going great," she said. "Wouldn't you like to come in?"
"Oh, no." The man shook his head. The nurse returned to the mother's side, and the labour progressed smoothly. As the birth neared, the nurse returned to the man, now pacing frantically in the hall. "She's doing so well," she assured him. "Wouldn't you like to at least come in and see her?"
The man seemed to hesitate slightly, then shook his head again. "No, no, I couldn't do that." He jingled car keys in his sweaty palm and resumed his pacing.
The nurse went back into the room and coached Mum's valiant efforts in pushing the baby into the world. As the baby's head began to exit the birth canal, the nurse raced to the hall, grabbed the man by his elbow, and dragged him to the bedside saying, "You have got to see this!"
At that very moment, the baby boy was born and placed on the tummy of the mother whose radiant smile shone through her tears. The man began to cry openly. Turning to the nurse, he sobbed. "You were right! This is the greatest moment in my life!"
By now, the nurse, too, was tearful. She put her arm around him, and he rested his head on her shoulder. She soothed, "No one should miss the birth of their son."
"This isn't my son," the man blubbered. "This isn't even my wife. I've never seen her before in my life. I was just bringing the car keys to my buddy across the hall!"
486-
Medical Breakthrough Medications
St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mum's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I. Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.
487-
Doctor, I'm having that dream again." the patient said.
"Oh?" The shrink replies. "Which one?"
"The one where I'm into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality. Should I be worried or am I flogging a dead horse?"
488-
A lovely young thing entered the doctor's office on her lunch hour and addressed a young man in a white coat. "I've had a pain in my shoulder for a week. Can you help me?"
"Lie down on this table," he said, "and I'll massage it for you."
After a few minutes, the beauteous patient exclaimed, "Doctor, that isn't my shoulder!"
The young man smiled and replied, "No, and I'm not a doctor, either."
489-
"Doctor," said the old professor, "that rectal exam hurt like hell! What in tarnation did you do?"
"I used two fingers," said the doctor.
"What the heck for?" cried the old professor.
"I needed a second opinion.
490-
I went to the doctor yesterday. I said "Doctor I keep sleepwalking".
He said "Fuck off, it's three in the morning".
491-
Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical checkup. After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old woman. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds over weight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save complications in later years. She looks sternly and says, "I demand a second opinion." "Ok" he says, "you're fucking ugly as well.
492-
"No need for me to come out to the house," the doctor told the worried caller. "I've checked my files and your uncle isn't really ill at all - he just thinks he's sick."
A week later, the doctor telephoned to make sure his diagnosis had been correct. "How's your uncle today?" he asked.
"Worse," came the reply. "Now he thinks he's dead."
493-
The Glasgow Royal Infirmary are fully supporting the new bill on embryo research.
Asked by religious groups and other nut-jobs if they wouldn't be concerned about creating horrific mutations and how would they handle the human/animal genetic material left over from these experiments, a spokesman for the Hospital said:
"Nae bother! As long as it's deep fried in batter, they'll eat anything round here."
494-
Went to see my doctor. I said, "I think I'm losing my memory doc, I went on a blind date yesterday, picked her up in my
car, next thing I know I was sitting in a lay-by on my own."
The doctor said, "sounds like you had a blackout."
"Oh no," I said, "she must have been white, I've still got my wallet."
495-
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
496-
Let Me Tell You About My Doctor. He is very good.
If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
Another time he gave a patient 6 months to live. At the end of the 6 months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another 6 months.
While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film." The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked, "When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start ?"
I remember once I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these, and if they don't work, give me a ring." Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
But doctors can be so frustrating.
You wait a month and a half for an appointment. Then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."
497-
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'115,' she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 8,' she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' she screams,
'When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat! '
498-
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral......... I'm a gynaecologist....
The proctologist fainted.
499-
The doctor had just completed his examination of the gorgeous red-haired beauty.
"I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic, as he regained some of his professional dignity, "that you discontinue some of your running around. Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above all you will have to start eating properly and getting to bed early."
Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!"
500-
I went to casualty yesterday and said to the nurse, "I've been stung by a wasp, have you got anything for it?"
The nurse replied, "whereabouts is it?"
I said, "I don't know, it'll be fucking miles away by now."
501-
A little boy goes to see the doctor with a problem, he says to the doctor, "Doctor, I was in the showers with all the other boys after football training, and my penis looked different to all of theirs why is that?"
The doctor replies, "I don't know, I'm going to have to have a look. Now you can go behind that curtain to get undressed."
The little boy comes out and says, "where shall I put my clothes?"
The doctor replies, "just over there, next to mine."
502-
I went to a Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting the other day but nobody was there.
I think I came too early.
503-
The routine practice of circumcision was part of a certain doctor's job, and he found himself reluctant to throw the foreskins away after the operation. So he saved them all up in a jar of formaldehyde. Many years went by, the time came for the doctor to retire from practice, and when cleaning out his office he came across the jar, which by this time contained hundreds of foreskins. It seemed a pity to throw them out after all this time, so, certain that they could be put to some use, he took them down to the tailor around the corner and asked that he make something with them.
"No problem," said the tailor. "Come back in a week."
A week later the tailor proudly presented the doctor with a wallet. "Now wait just a minute!" protested the doctor. "There were literally hundreds of foreskins in that jar, and all I've got to show for it is a measly wallet?"
"Relax," said the tailor. "You rub it for a little bit and it turns into a briefcase."
504-
I never realised there were laws against shagging your own patients.
Well not until the RSPCA told me anyway.
505-
The wife's been moaning at me for a while as I've piled on the pounds a developed a 'spare tyre', so I went along to the doctor and asked if there was anything I can do.
He said, 'It's simple. Don't panic. Just do something a couple of times a week that gets you slightly out of breath.'
So I started smoking again.
506-
A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, guilt and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.
"Well," he says to the doctor "A week ago, I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home and I skidded all the way up the driveway. I slammed open the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it on the coffee table."
"And did you enjoy it?" asked the doctor enthusiastically.
"Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "somewhat, but the Bible group was kind of surprised."
507-
My doctor reckons I'm paranoid.
He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
508-
My dentist just won 'dentist of the year'
All he got was a little plaque.
509-
Jim was in a terrible wreck. He was taken to the hospital where he remained comatose for two weeks and when he awoke he was ravenous. Finding the call button he rang for the nurse and asked if he could have something to eat. She told him, "You have a broken jaw and it is wired shut. I can't think of anything that you could eat in that condition."
"Well, could I 'pwease' have a cup of coffee?" Jim asked through his clenched jaw.
"We'll try," the nurse told him. "Maybe we can get a straw between your teeth."
But try as they would, it just wouldn't go. Jim grumbled and moaned and swore he was going to die without coffee until the nurse finally said, "Maybe we could give it to you in an enema."
She fixed up the syringe and began to administer it when suddenly Jim winced and drew up.
"Is it too hot?" the nurse asked.
"No, but could you please put some sugar in it?"
510-
This bloke goes into see his doctor and says, "every time I see a lorry, I get an erection."
The doc laughs and says, "impossible."
So the bloke stands up and walks over to the window and, after a lorry passes by, he pulls his trousers down to reveal a huge hardon. The doctor says, "this defies medical science, but give me a sample of blood then come back in three weeks and I'll have a result."
Three weeks pass by and the bloke returns to the doctors. On entering his office, the doctor says, "sit down, I have some bad news for you."
The bloke slumps into a chair and says, "what is it doc?"
The doctor explains, "you're HGV positive."
511-
I was diagnosed with HIV last week. The doctor said, "you need to contact all the people you've had sex with in the past two years."
I said, "that's an awful lot of women, but I should be able to help with identifying about 50%."
He said, "wow, most people struggle to name one or two - do you keep records?"
I said, "no, the police do, but unfortunately half of all rapes go unreported."
512-
Apparently, new drugs can add 13 years to the life expectancy of those with HIV.
I think they will find saying no to bum sex adds a little bit more.
513-
For the last three months, Hymie has been going through one medical problem after another and has spent most of this period in bed. First he had a minor heart attack, then he developed pneumonia, and then he fell badly and slipped a disc in his back. Now, at last, he seems to be getting over his troubles and today he’s going to see doctor Myers, his specialist, for a check-up. But he’s definitely not looking forward to this because doctor Myers has regularly given him negative prognoses.
45 minutes later, after giving Hymie a thorough going over, doctor Myers says, "Well, Hymie, you’ll be pleased to learn that I’m very satisfied with your progress."
Hymie can’t believe the optimism doctor Myers is now showing after all the previous doom and gloom. "Well, thank goodness for that," says Hymie, "it’s about time I heard some good news from you."
"Your heart rhythm is strong," says doctor Myers, "your lungs are clear, you’ve got a nice skin colour and you’re looking very healthy indeed. You’ve still got a slipped disk, however, but I’m not really worried about it."
"Listen doctor," says Hymie, "if you had a slipped disk, believe me, I wouldn’t be worried about it either."
514-
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help me. Every night I dream that I'm driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York. I'm so tired I can hardly get up in the morning."
The doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come over and drive the truck for you."
The man tries it, and is cured.
Another patient tells the doctor, "I have this same dream every night. I'm making love to four beautiful women, and by morning I'm totally exhausted. Can you help me?"
The doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come and take a couple of them off your hands."
Two weeks later the man goes back to the psychiatrist and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Now these women are bringing their friends, and they're all getting so demanding. I'm so tired I can barely get through the day. Can't you do something?"
"You should have called me." the doctor replied. "I told you I'd take a couple of them off your hands."
"But Doc," he said, "I've been calling you every night, and your service keeps telling me you're out driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York."
515-
A guy at the doctor's surgery.
"I'm sorry to tell you this, Mr Smith, but you have contracted AIDS by sexual intercourse."
"Fucking hell, Doc, you can't even trust your own kids these days!"
516-
My doctor suggested that, for my back problems, I should visit a homeopath.
Quite what a gay serial killer can do for my back, I have no idea!
517-
After a long-overdue checkup, my dentist sat down with me to go over all the work I would need on my mouth. Her total estimate was $9,200. I gasped. "For that kind of money, I could get a tummy tuck and silicone implants."
"But what about your smile?" she asked.
"If I had all that done," I told her, "I guarantee no one would be looking at my teeth."
518-
I took my uncle to the doctors yesterday. He has cancer, aids and hepatitis. He went in the waiting room and sat down next to a guy in a Manchester Utd top.
Just goes to show you - there's always someone worse off!
519-
My Life with a Nurse: A Man's Perspective
Ah, such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. What treasures lurk beneath those crisp, white uniforms.... What young man doesn't have fantasies of discovering those secrets for himself. SCREEEEEECH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Reality check!
I've been married to a nurse for more than a quarter of a century, and let me tell you, nurses are not what you expect (and I don't even care what you expect, because you are wrong)! Let's begin by tearing down some of the more famous assumptions about nurses right off the top:
The Nurse as Sex Kitten: Any man who lived through the early seventies or has made it a point to rent such famous videos as "Night Duty Nurses" or "Student Nurses" or "Night Duty Student Nurses" or any one of several dozen nurse- centric skin flicks will immediately believe that all nurses have heaving bosoms, just millimeters away from popping out of skin tight white uniforms. You will also believe that nurses always wear white garters, fishnet hose, and stilettos. This, of course, is a handy dress code because movie nurses spend *a lot* of time hopping in and out of patient's beds. The reality is that most nurses wear scrubs - Shapeless, draping hunks of cotton that could cause you to breeze past Pamela Anderson without a second look. Shoes are white and chunky with blobs of things on them better left
unexplored. Socks replace white hose and garters, and when is the last time Anyone saw a nursing cap? Graduation, perhaps?
The Nurse as an Angel: If you want to hear the latest gross jokes, just find a nurse. Some uninformed males seem to think of nurses as angelic creatures: demure and loving, a cross between a nun and their
mum. Well, hate to bust your bubble, guy, but as a group, nurses are some of the rawest folks you'll ever run into. I don't care how sweet and demure they may look on the outside; inside is someone who has seen things that would gag a maggot, break your heart, or
drive a normal person nuts. So most nurses develop a very wicked sense of humour squarely lodged in the black-to-sick side of the scale. Also, in case you are looking for angelic sympathy for the little boo- boo you had in the shop, forget it! Let's say as a typical male klutz, you manage to saw your finger off. You go running to your nurse wife who is on the phone with a nurse friend of hers. As she continues to talk to her friend, she gives the stub a good eyeballing, slaps a towel on it, takes out a baggy to put the severed digit in, and tells you to get some ice while she is explaining to her friend that her dummy husband just sawed his finger off. As you stand there bleeding profusely for 15 minutes she calmly finishes her conversation as though nothing is going on until finally she says, "Well I guess I better get him to the
hospital." She hangs up the phone, looks at you, sighs and calmly says, "Let's go." You have just learned an important lesson. On the nurse scale of emergencies, yours is about a minus 9! As my wife has told me, "when you are on a ventilator, with six drips running, your head down and your feet up, then you're sick. Anything less than that isn't worth getting excited over!"
The Nurses Mutual Benefit Network: As a male either dating or married to a nurse, you should realize one important thing. There are nurses everywhere. That, in itself, is no big deal. The fact is, every nurse knows other nurses who know more nurses, so that by the time you are finished, a nurse on the Island Nation of Chuuk who observes you doing something you shouldn't has the immediate capability of getting word to your wife. This system is way more reliable and efficient than the Internet and has existed for a much longer time. Take it for granted that your nurse wife will know about anything you have done, good or bad, before you get home!
Your Social Life with Nurses: Nurses hang out with other nurses and soon you may find that all your friends are married to nurses. The reason this happens is because in situations where nurses mingle with
non-medical folks things can get ugly. For example, you are out to dinner with your nurse wife, another nurse couple, and two civilian couples. The nurses sit and chat, discussing fun things like bleeding bowels, open sores, how much fat was sucked out of some patient, projectile vomiting, traumatic amputations, etc., all over a nice pasta dinner. The nurses carry on talking as the civilian couples turn funny
colours, make faces and suppress their gag reflexes (and this is if the nurses don't have any really gross things to share like the homeless guy with maggots in his bleeding sores)!
After several dinners and gatherings like this, you will soon find your circle of friends has shrunk significantly. The key to avoiding this is to do the following: Never go out in mixed groups with more than one nurse. A lone nurse is OK. The trouble starts when you have more than one, and when that happens, keep the regular folks away. Also get used to the idea that some friends and
neighbours will take advantage of the fact that your wife is a nurse by calling at all hours of the day and night for advice. This may include male friends "dropping by" to show your sweetie his rash. The best advice I can give is to just deal with it and hope it isn't contagious.
Nurse: The Health Ramifications Most nurses have been described as having the constitution of horses, which isn't true because I've been around horses and they get sick more often. The reason for this is pretty simple. After about 3-5 years on the job, nurses have been exposed to so many bugs that they either end up dead or full of every antibody known to mankind. (If you want the ultimate booster shot, just get a blood transfusion from a nurse who's worked in a hospital for 20 years!) You don't have all these antibodies, though, so when she does come home with mild sniffles, a week later you're flat on your back with the worse case of the flu of your life!! Oh, and if you are the least bit squeamish, don't even think about the bugs she brings home on her clothes. It will mess with your mind as she talks about her
resistant TB patient, the patient full of body lice, or the one with poison ivy in his mouth! So don't ask.
Conclusion: Ah such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. You know, they really are and I thank God every day for my nurse.
520-
My wife's pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "yes just once."
The doctor asked, "what was it like?"
I said, "it was dark, then suddenly very light."
521-
The old sub-sailor, Harold was a Retired Navy Chief Engineman. He was sick and was in the VA hospital. Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for our bath, or are we hungry?" Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Harold had received breakfast, and pulled the apple juice off his breakfast tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had just been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So..... you know where the juice went. Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today....." At this, the Chief snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time." The nurse fainted...... Harold just smiled...... Typical Chief!
522-
In the days before the pill, a young bride asked her gynecologist to recommend the best contraceptives. He suggested she try withdrawal, douches and condoms.
Several years later, the woman was walking in a shopping mall with three young children when she happened to meet her old doctor.
''I see you didn't take my advice,'' he said, seeing the trio of youngsters.
''Oh, yes I did, doctor,'' she insisted. ''Davy here was a pull out, Richard was a washout, and Megan was a blowout.''
523-
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks: "Where are you going?" He replies: "To the kitchen." She asks: "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies:
"Sure." She then asks him: "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says: "No, I can remember that." She then says: "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says: "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies: "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With cruel irritation in his voice, he says: "I don't need to write that down I can remember that ..." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says: "You forgot my bloody toast!'
524-
I woke up in the hospital the other day and the doctor said, "I've got some good news and bad news."
"What's the bad news?" I asked.
"You've been in a car crash and you're paralysed from the waist down, your girlfriend died on impact, and your son
is in a coma showing no response."
"Blimey that is bad news!" I said, "What's the good?"
"You're favourite to win X Factor next year."
525-
A prominent surgeon, who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area, would operate in the morning and then field calls about his patients in the evening.
One night, a few dinner guests were quite surprised as the good doctor was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital, when the other phone rang. His wife answered and whispered to her husband, "It's St. Francis calling."
He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ."
526-
The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of Annapolis, MD, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of our guides, Dave, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist. He went to the hospital, and as he sat in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double-take at Dave in his 18th-century garb, he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"
527-
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
This is why I'm contacting you.... Well, my job is done!
528-
Little Known Illnesses ...
AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.
DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.
HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.
HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.
HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.
CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.
VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.
SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.
ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.
OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.
529-
"Doctor, I think I'm losing my hearing."
"What are the symptoms ?"
"It's an NBC show about a little yellow family, but what has that got to do with my problem."
530-
A) The number of physicians in the U. S. is 700,000
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U. S. Dept of Health Human Services.
Now think about this:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U. S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million..)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188
Statistics courtesy of the FBI
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
531-
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
532-
An extremely obese woman shows up at her doctor's office crying and claims that she has tried every possible way to lose weight, all to no avail. She continues to sob, "My husband won't make love to me any more. My friends make fun of me. Everywhere I go they tease me. I just can't take it any more!"
The doctor, hoping to help her, proposes a radical diet ... rectal feeding. Reassuring the patient that she won't starve to death, the doctor explains that she'll actually take in enough nutrients, through the rectal walls, to sustain life and that she's sure to lose weight in the process.
Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment and she's down from her 360 pounds to a trim 110 pounds At first the doctor doesn't recognize her and asks his nurse, "Who is that beautiful lady in the waiting area?" The nurse reminds the doctor that she's the fat lady on the special, rectal diet.
The doctor show the patient into the exam room and notices that she is bouncing up and down and side to side quite energetically. The doctor asks how she's doing and if there was anything wrong. The patient replies, "I'm feeling great Doc. Never felt better!"
"In that case, why are you bouncing up and down and side to side?"
The patient replies, "Oh, that ... I'm just chewing gum."
533-
I got my test results back this morning, and I'm shocked to find that I've been diagnosed with OCD.
I've rung the doctor's nine times to check if they're correct.
534-
The doctor tells his patient: "Dianne, I have some good news and some bad news." Dianne asks for the good news first. "Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared." "And the bad news?" Dianne asks. To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural bitch."
535-
The nurse approached him, smiling. "The labour is going great," she said. "Wouldn't you like to come in?" "Oh, no." The man shook his head. The nurse returned to the mother's side, and the labour progressed smoothly. As the birth neared, the nurse returned to the man, now pacing frantically in the hall. "She's doing so well," she assured him. "Wouldn't you like to at least come in and see her?" The man seemed to hesitate slightly, then shook his head again. "No, no, I couldn't do that." He jingled car keys in his sweaty palm and resumed his pacing. The nurse went back into the room and coached Mum's valiant efforts in pushing the baby into the world. As the baby's head began to exit the birth canal, the nurse raced to the hall, grabbed the man by his elbow, and dragged him to the bedside saying, "You have got to see this!" At that very moment, the baby boy was born and placed on the tummy of the mother whose radiant smile shone through her tears. The man began to cry openly. Turning to the nurse, he sobbed. "You were right! This is the greatest moment in my life!" By now, the nurse, too, was tearful. She put her arm around him, and he rested his head on her shoulder. She soothed, "No one should miss the birth of their son." "This isn't my son," the man blubbered. "This isn't even my wife. I've never seen her before in my life. I was just bringing the car keys to my buddy across the hall!"
536-
A pregnant woman went to the
gynaecologist, and when asked what was the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard." Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, "Your nipples get hard?" "Yes," quite innocently came her reply. "Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed doc. So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer. After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, "Well
madam, I don't know what you have, but it's sure as hell contagious!"
537-
The nurse went out into the hallway and spoke to the man in the sterile gown and mask pacing up and down saying, "The delivery is going so well, wouldn't you like to come in now?" "No! I can't stand all that blood and screaming. Leave me alone." A few minutes later, she went out again and said, "It is almost over. Wouldn't you like to come in now?" "No! Leave me alone! I told you I can't stand all that blood and screaming!" "But, you must," the nurse replied. "The delivery is almost finished, you are the doctor!"
538-
One of our patients wasn't taking any chances. Prior to her operation, she taped notes to her body for the surgeon: "Take your time," "Don't cut yourself," "No need to rush," "Wash your hands."
After surgery, as I helped the patient back into her bed, we discovered a new note taped to her. It was from the doctor, "Has anyone seen my wristwatch?"
539-
My girlfriend was in a coma a few years ago.
One day I went to the hospital to see how she was. The nurse said, "Well I was bathing her before and I
accidentally touched her vagina and her eyes flicked open just briefly. I was wondering, do you want to try a bit of oral sex on her and see if she comes round."
So I agreed and when she left I began licking her pussy. Five minutes later the doctor came in and I was sat on the bed with my girlfriend, who was fully awake.
The doctor said, "This is amazing, I've never seen anything like this before in my life." He then looked at me and said, "Why do you look so sad."
I replied, "I've just realised, I could have saved my mother."
540-
The doctor has prescribed me anti-hypochondria tablets.
I'm worried about the possible side effects.
541-
A little brown paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little brown paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little brown paper bag. "I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be I'm just a little brown paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Well," said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor. "Your mother must have been a carrier."
542-
Jon, Brian, and Amanpreet were all locked away in a mental institution for many many years. (Where they belonged, mind you.)
One day, the head quack tells them that if they pass a test he wanted to administer to them, they'd be deemed mentally competent and free to leave the nut house. Should they fail, however, they'd be locked away for another five years of observation.
All three took the doc up on his offer. The four of them went to the hospital's indoor pool. The pool was drained of water. The doctor leads the patients up to the diving platform, some 60 feet in the air.
The doctor motions to Jon. "Jump."
Without hesitation, Jon leaps off the platform, right into the pool, breaking both arms in the process.
The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Brian, "Jump."
Also without hesitation, Brian flies off the platform into the empty pool, breaking both of his legs.
After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells Lizard Pecker, "Jump."
Amanpreet shakes his head. "Naw. I don't think so."
The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically and says, "Congratulations, 'Preet. You're a free man. Just tell me one thing. Why didn't you jump?"
"Easy," Amanpreet says, "I can't swim, Asshole ."
543-
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends
544-
A kid had cut open a golf ball and had *eaten* the liquid centre. The stuff in this case was a thick, dark fluid, and the child's mother naturally assumed that it was some petroleum product. She frantically called the family doctor, and as she was rushing to the doctor's office with the apparently poisoned kid, the doctor was rapidly flipping through the "Common Household Poisons" book. There was no mention of golf balls in it. The doctor called up a golf ball manufacturer and explained the situation; but they said that their golf balls had a solid core. "I wish I'd asked the name of the manufacturer!" the doctor lamented. The ball manufacturer helpfully named their sole competitor that made balls with liquid centres. Another quick phone call, and the answer: the centre was made of cod liver oil.
545-
A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, "What the heck have I done?" He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family?" So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loads them into his van and off he rushes to the local hospital. He walked up and down the hospital and after some serious surgery, he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they doing?" The doctor replies, "Comfortable, sir!"
546-
A nervous young guy was walking up and down the waiting room at the Maternity hospital, and he looked at a cool, and calm older man, who was reading a magazine. The younger man said, "I guess you have been here a few times."
"Yes," said the older man.
The young wanted to know, "How long after the baby is born, can you have sex with the Mother?
The older guy equitably replied, "It depends on whether she's in a public ward or a private ward."
547-
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
548-
Man goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?"
The doctor replies, "Try coming home at 3 in the morning!"
549-
So, I've just been diagnosed with HIV. My doctor has advised me to remain positive. Can't see how that's going to help.
550-
Oh Doctor!" said the young lady prior to her surgery, "Will the scar show? "
"Not in church, madam," replied the doctor, "but anywhere else, it's entirely up to you......"
551-
Why do nurses make poor lovers?
Because they always wait for the swelling to go down!
552-
Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?
Doctor : Yes ... you're fucking crackers.
553-
Howard goes to see his doctor because he’s been feeling very tired of late and seems to have lost his stamina. Howard takes his wife Freda with him.
After an examination, Doctor Myers says it’s not too serious and gives Howard a prescription for some pills. He then tells Freda that for the next month, she should make sure that Howard not only takes one pill every morning, but also drinks a glass of red Carmel wine with his dinner every evening.
After three weeks have gone by, Freda bumps into Doctor Myers whilst out shopping. Doctor Myers immediately asks her, "So how is Howard doing with his wine and pills treatment?"
"About 50/50, I think," replies Freda. "He's about 2 weeks behind with the taking of his pills, but he’s made up for this by being about 2 weeks ahead with the Carmel red wine."
554-
I got kicked out of the local hospital last night...
They shouldn't have signs up saying 'Stroke patients here'
555-
Doctors vs. Gun Owners
Doctors
(A) The number of physicians in the U. S. - 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
Statistics courtesy of U. S. Dept of Health and Human Services.
Now think about this:
Guns
(A) The number of gun owners in the U. S. - 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN... BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!
Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on Lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!
556-
A young woman says to her Psychologist: ‘I think I’m a nymphomaniac’
The Psychologist says: ‘That’s no problem I can help you, but I charge £600 an hour’
The woman asked: ‘and how much for the whole night?’
557-
Joe tells his doctor: ‘Doctor, my wife lost her voice, what can I do for her?’
The doctor said: ‘come home drunk at 3 in the morning’
558-
A redneck went to see the Louisiana doctor and he put in a complaint because his wife was having too many little babies! She was having at least one per year. He commented, "Doc, ya gotta help me, I cain't git enough Welfare or steal enough ta feeds
'em all!" The doctor got down his medical reference book and looked up the problem. He told his patient, "The book says if a man's bitch was having too many brats, the doctor should remove the man's right testicle." He then administered anesthesia with beer bottles, took out his pocket knife an' performed the surgery. Three years later the man was back at the doctor's office complaining the surgery had failed; she was still
havin' at least one kid per year! The doctor took his book back down and studied the problem. The doctor said, "Well, the book says if your wife is having too many brats to remove your right testicle, we done that. If she still has too many brats, then we should remove the left testicle. Butcha won't be able to git no
nookie!" Once again he got a beer bottle an' his pocket knife and performed surgery. Another three years later, the SAME man was back complaining that operation had once again failed! His wife had 2 kids and was about 7, 8 months along with his thirteenth! The doctor was quite perplexed and got his book back down. After several minutes of study he told his patient, "It says right here if a man's wife is having too many brats to remove his right testicle. If she continues to have too many brats, remove his left testicle. We done did all that. However, the next page says, "If the man's wife still has too many brats after you have removed both testicles, you done castrated the wrong man!"
559-
Spoke to a mate today, said he had some bad news from the doctor, the big C!
"Fucking hell mate, cancer?" I asked.
"No," he said. "Dyslexia."
560-
I went to the doctors today.
Turns out I have Chicken Pox and Alzheimer's.
But that's not all, I also have Chicken Pox.
561-
A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town.
After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm.
"Oh, that sounds bad. How can I get rid of it?" asked the man.
"Come in tomorrow and bring with you a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie," said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled look cross the man's face, he said, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."
So, the next day the man brings in the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie. "Drop your pants, and bend over," says the doctor.
"What?" says the man.
"Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
So, the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear.
"Whoa! Hold on a minute, Jack!" screams the man.
"Hold still and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie.
"Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie," says the doctor.
As the infuriated man starts to protest the doctor says, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."
So, the man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over," says the doctor.
"This again?" yells the man.
"Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
So, the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear.
"Oh! I can't believe I'm doing this!" says the man.
"Hold still now and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie.
"Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with another hard boiled egg and another lemon cookie," says the doctor.
As the man starts to shake his head the doctor says, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."
So, this goes on all week until one day, after the man pulls up his pants, the doctor says, "Now come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a hammer." As the man turns pale the doctor says, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."
The man gets no sleep that night worried to death about what the hammer is going to feel like when it gets shoved up his ass. He almost stays home, but he still feels sick. So far the treatments haven't helped and he's afraid he'll have to start over if he goes to a new doctor.
The man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the hammer. "Drop your pants and bend over," says the doctor.
"But, why do we need a hammer?" asks the man nervously.
"Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
The man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear.
"Please!" says the man, terrified of what is to come next.
"Hold still and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
About a minute later, the man is about to pass out from terror and he is involuntarily clenching his rear as tight as he can. But nothing happens. Several more minutes pass and he starts to relax. The man is about to straighten up and ask the doctor what happened when the tapeworm sticks its head out his rear end and yells, "Where's my lemon cookie?!"
... and WHAM! Down comes the hammer.
562-
Dr. Jones completed his examination of the teenage girl and took her mother aside. "I'm afraid," he said, "that your daughter has syphilis." "Oh, my!" exclaimed the embarrassed woman. "Tell me, could she possibly have caught it in a public lavatory?" After giving it a little thought, Dr. Jones responded, "It's possible," then he added
- "but it would certainly have been uncomfortable."
563-
My girlfriend keeps getting nose bleeds.
Her doctor has advised me to stop punching her in the face.
564-
I went to an STD clinic the other day and all the girls in the waiting room looked filthy!
I thought to myself, "I wish my girlfriend was as dirty as some of these girls".
Then I remembered, she was, and that's why I was there.
565-
The wife was in intensive care last night after cutting herself badly whilst shaving her minge.
Doctors this morning say her condition is stubble.....
566-
Who's the coolest guy in a hospital?
The ultra-sound guy.
Who takes over when he's on holiday?
The hip-replacement guy.
567-
Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what I just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?
568-
A man goes to a surgeon and convinces him that he wants to have the experience of having a baby.
"Impossible," says the surgeon.
"But I need that experience," insists the man.
Eventually the surgeon agrees, and tells the man to come back next day for the operation.
Next day he is put out and operated on. When he comes around he asks the surgeon if the operation was successful.
"Yes, perfect."
"When will I have the experience of having a baby?" asks the man.
"Just as soon as you have drunk this pint of olive oil," says the surgeon.
"How's that going to give me the experience?"
"Because I have sewn up your ass.
569-
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.
En route, with the siren blaring, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"
The old man slowly looked up at him and then gazed out the ambulance window.
"Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 80, maybe 85."
570-
A couple want to have a bash at anal sex, but the woman decides to play it safe and seek medical advice first.
"Anal sex is perfectly safe," says her doctor, "as long as you take it slowly at first and use plenty of lubricant. And you take care not to get pregnant, of course."
"What?" says the woman incredulously. "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Certainly," replies the doc. "Where do you think chavs come from?"
571-
Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.
"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "but I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered,
"Try going alone, next time, dearie."
572-
Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts. The sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several single beds, so we get to know one another's habits, like who snores or talks in his sleep.
While I was having my teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that some of my teeth were chipped. "It looks like you clench your jaw at night," he said.
"No way," I blurted without thinking. "No one has ever said I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!"
573-
The old professor goes to see a psychiatrist to complain about his oversexed wife. The old professor confides to the shrink, "Mrs. Professor will stop at nothing to satisfy her lustful, kinky desires and bottomless sexual cravings. What can I do?" The psychiatrist says, "Please tell Mrs. Professor I'd like her to make an appointment with me
immediately."
574-
At the busy dental office where I work, one patient was always late. Once when I called to confirm an appointment, he said, "I'll be about 15 minutes late. That won't be a problem, will it?"
"No," I told him. "We just won't have time to give you an anaesthetic."
He arrived early.
575-
I went to the doctor's the other day & he said "I can't find a cause for your
illness though quite frankly I think it's the drinking."
"Ok" I said, "I'll come back when you're sober."
576-
I went into a chemists yesterday and said to the pharmacist, "Excuse me, mate,
I'm after some condoms."
"Just a minute," he replied.
I said, "Yes that's my brand".
577-
A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment. "Would you like to
tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked. "I'll need the information
for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and
almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can
squeeze you in."
578-
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help me. Every night I
dream that I'm driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York. I'm so tired I can
hardly get up in the morning."
The doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream, just call me and
I'll come over and drive the truck for you."
The man tries it, and is cured.
Another patient tells the doctor, "I have this same dream every night. I'm
making love to four beautiful women, and by morning I'm totally exhausted. Can
you help me?"
The doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream, just call me and
I'll come and take a couple of them off your hands."
Two weeks later the man with the over sex problem goes back to the psychiatrist
and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Now these women are bringing their friends,
and they're all getting so demanding. I'm so tired I can barely get through the
day. Can't you do something?"
"You should have called me." the doctor replied. "I told you I'd take a couple
of them off your hands."
"But Doc," he said, "I've been calling you every night, and your service keeps
telling me you're out driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York."
579-
Two doctors are walking down the corridor of the hospital.
First doc asks, "Did you tell that lawyer in room 316 that he was going to die?"
"Sure did", second one answers.
First doc says, "Darn! I wanted to tell him!"
580-
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for
a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a
lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing
briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring
and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my
brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR
BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a
product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave
oven.
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must
never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For
those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you
have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -
and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with
just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of
humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may
result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have
you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode
had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must
be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point,
as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating
food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only
was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return
bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do
you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room
full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space
and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by
sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more
naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered
what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so
you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but
to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy
was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot
tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously
nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking
something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing
Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing
during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least
appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more
than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to
tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was
back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt
even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon
had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
581-
A college graduate was
suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week
later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired
results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing," the grad said, "shoving them up my arse?"
582-
Since I was a new patient, I had to fill out an information form for the
doctor's files. The nurse reading it over noticed my unusual name.
"How do you pronounce it?" she asked.
"Na-le-Y-ko," I said, proud of my Ukrainian heritage.
"That sounds real nice," she said, smiling.
"Yes, it is melodious," I agreed.
"So," she asked sweetly, "what part of Melodia is your family from?"
583-
Assisted-Computing Facility
THE TOUGHEST DECISION: SHOULD MY LOVED ONE BE PLACED IN AN ASSISTED-COMPUTING
FACILITY?
For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they
will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, or perhaps a sibling
- is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live
independently or to come near a computer or electronic device without direct
supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an
assisted-computing facility (ACF). But you have questions, so many questions. We
at Silicon Pines want to help.
WHAT EXACTLY IS AN ACF?
Sometimes referred to as "Home for the Technologically Infirm," "Technical
Invalid Care Centres," or "Homes for the Technically Challenged," ACFs are
modelled on assisted-living facilities. They provide a safe, structured
residential environment for those unable to handle even the most common,
everyday multitasks. Most full accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are an oasis
of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive,
technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with
actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves.
WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF?
Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many of all ages
will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on those
friends and family members who must explain it to them. But unless the loved one
is suffering a truly debilitating affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the
decision to commit is entirely personal. You must ask yourself:
"How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to open an e-mail
attachment?"
"How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from
hard drive memory?"
"How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, 'Hey, can I replace the
motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha ha!'"
To make things easier, we have prepared a list of warning signs, which we
encourage you to return to often, or, if you can't figure out how to bookmark
it, print it out. Also, please take a moment to read "I'm Glad I'm in Here! - A
Resident's Story."
MUST IT BE FAMILY MEMBER, OR CAN I PLACE ANYONE IN AN ACF?
Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees, or at
times entire sales departments committed to ACFs. At present, however,
individuals can be committed only by direct family or self-internment. The
reason is simple: There simply are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to
accommodate the entire technologically challenged population. For example,
currently are only 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million AOL
users.
HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?
ACF rents range from free up to $12,500 per month. The disparity is currently a
point of contention in the ACF industry. Many residents are covered through
government programs such as Compucaid or Compucare, but reimbursement rates are
low and cover only a portion of the fees.
Exacerbating the situation are the HMOs (HelpDesk Maintenance Organizations),
which often deny coverage, thus forcing residents to pay out of pocket or turn
to expensive private techcare insurers such as BlueCache/BlueScreen.
Offsetting the costs are technology companies themselves, many of which
subsidize SCFs. Firms such as Microsoft, Dell, Qualcomm, and America Online will
pay up to 100 percent of a resident's monthly bill, but there is a catch. ISPs,
for instance, require residents to sign service contracts lasting a year or
more. Microsoft, meanwhile, prohibits the installation of any competitive
software, whereas Priceline requires that residents buy shares of its stock,
which seems onerous but saves residents on bathroom tissue.
HOW OLD MUST I BE TO HAVE SOMEONE COMMITTED?
Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit someone to an
ACF. However, the now famous British court case, Frazier vs. Frazier and
Frazier, has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents. In that case,
15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester has his 37-year-old parents committed
to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a
"danger to themselves and the community." According to court records, Bradley
told his parents about the "I Love You" virus and warned them not to click
attachments. The next day, his parents received an "I Love You" e-mail and
clicked on the attachment because, as they explained, it came from "Someone You
Know."
WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN AN ACF?
First, make sure it's a genuine assisted-computing facility and not
assisted-living facility. To tell the difference, observe the residents. If they
rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements, this is probably an
assisted-living facility. On the other hand, if they vary in age and say things
like, "I'm supposed to figure that out? I'm not Bill goddamned Gates you know!"
this is probably an assisted-computing facility.
Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent lives and
should be allowed to use many technology devices, including telephones, electric
toothbrushes, and alarm clocks. However, only a facility's licensed techcare
professional (LTPs) should perform computational or technological tasks such as
installing programs or saving e-mail attachments. And LTPs should NEVER answer
residents' questions because studies have shown that answering user questions
inevitably makes things worse. Instead, residents should simply have things done
for them, relieving them of the pressure to "learn" or "improve".
CAN A RESIDENT EVER GET OUT?
No.
OK, THIS SOUNDS PROMISING. HOW CAN I LEARN MORE?
For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines and the
ACF life-style, which can be found by clicking on one of the links on the
navigation bars found at both the top and bottom of this page. But whatever you
decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists. It
will take years just to place the billions of WebTV & AOL users.
We look forward to your response.
Thank you.
584-
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist
began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So
perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and
the Earth..."
585-
A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into
armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, "What the heck have I
done?" He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family?" So,
he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital
and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loads them into his
van and off he rushes to the local hospital. He walked up and down the hospital
and after some serious surgery, he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they doing?"
The doctor replies, "Comfortable, sir!"
586-
It was a nasty accident. A woman who swallowed a razor blade was rushed to the
emergency ward. After an X-ray the doctors decided to let it take its natural
course.
A few months later she eventually passed the razor blade, but in the meantime
she had not only given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a
hysterectomy but had also castrated her husband, circumcised his best friend,
given the vicar a hare lip and cut the finger of a passing acquaintance.
587-
The woman at the cocktail party was intent on making the
acquaintance of the young medical officer.
"Do you deal with many accidents?" she asked.
"I really don’t know," he replied.
"But you are a doctor, what do you mean you don’t know?"
"How could I know,” he said. "My field is obstetrics.”
588-
Medical Facts
It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile.
Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world ... it's an ideal substitute for
a hot breakfast.
The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per
hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress.
Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after
long abstinence, can cause spontaneous fizzle.
Improved breathing control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body,
prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a
stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging
furniture during moments of ecstasy.
Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipulations,
permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.
A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm cells to
fertilize every woman in the Marines.
Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face.
After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check your insurance policy.
"Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal response to immense orgasm.
Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see a guidance counsellor.
Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if it belongs to
your partner.
You know that you've had too much sex when your life begins to flash before your
eyes.
You know I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash before my eyes.
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in demand.
Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.
Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head
Sex on an inclined surface (a Bar Stool, for example) builds endurance ....
The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven seconds or four
to seven feet.
In 1970 FDA approved spray-on Vaseline.
To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.
Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every 3,000 strokes.
Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference between a birthmark and a
rash.
589-
They called him the conscientious gynaecologist.
Even on his holidays he looked up his old girlfriends.
590-
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices
with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he
approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large
unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU
WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the
very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice
replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE
SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
591-
A woman goes to the doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge"
The doctor says "pop your knickers off and get on the bed" he puts his latex
gloves on and applies 3 fingers into her vagina "How does that feel" says the
doctor
"Lovely" replies the woman "But the discharge is in my ear"
592-
A friend of mine is a plastic surgeon. I once asked him if he's ever done
anything unusual.
'Not really,' he said, 'but I have raised a few eyebrows.'
593-
It took Harold Shipman from 1971 to 1998 to kill around 250 patients.
Stafford Hospital managed to kill 400 patients in 3 years.
Good to see that the promised efficiency improvements in the NHS are finally
coming to fruition.
594-
The head nurse was nearing retirement, she had seen just about everything come
through the hospital's labour and delivery unit and always remained calm and
unruffled. A sixteen-year- old in labour was having a lot of pain, writhing on
the bed, fighting her contractions, swearing, and refusing to consider epidural
analgesia. Streams of obscenities erupted from her room and the girl yelled
"Fuck, Fuck, Fuck." right into the nurse's face. With absolute calm, the nurse
patted the girl's arm and said, "Now, you've already done that part. It's time
to have the baby."
595-
A medical student just finished her last semester and was heading out to apply
to a hospital. The director of the hospital thought the woman was very bright
and had a lot of potential. But the doctor wanted to ask her a few questions
just to quiz her.
"Well." said the doctor, "you seem very qualified. But a few questions before we
make anything definite, ok?" "Of course," said the woman. "Ok, what do we call
the operation of removing your tonsils?" asked the director "That's easy," the
woman said, "A Tonsillectomy."
"Very good. ok, What is the removal of your appendix called?", the director
continued. "I believe that is an Appendectomy," the woman said confidently
"Good job. One more. What do we call a sex change operation?" the director
asked. Now the woman was very intelligent and she learned every medical term
known to man, but for some reason she could not remember what a sex change
operation was called. She sat staring at the wall for some time before the
director began to get anxious.
"Do you know?" he asked repeatedly.
Regaining her composure she finally smiled and said, "of course, Addadictomy."
596-
A man went to a doctor and told him of his extremely active sex life. He said He
had a wife, several mistresses, masturbated, and had wet dreams all the time.
The Doctor asked Which he liked the best.
He replied, "Wet Dreams, you meet a much better class of people in them."
597-
A guy goes into the doctors and says, ‘Doc, I’ve got a problem, me dicks
square.’ ‘Bullshit,’ says the doctor, give me a look. The guy undoes his pants
and flops it out on the table. ‘Amazing,’ says the doctor. ‘How did it happen?’
‘Well you see doc, I was helping a mate shift a fridge when he slipped and the
fridge landed on my dick. I rushed in to the workshop and put it in the vice,
tried to squeeze it back to shape, but the bastard ended up square.’ The doctor
reached for his prescription pad and started to write. ‘What ya going to give me
doc?’ asked the guy. ‘Nothing mate, I’m giving you three days off work to pull
yourself round.’
598-
A man woke up after an operation and still half asleep noticed a figure beside
his bed. Was my operation a success doctor, he asked. I don’t know old chap, I’m
St Peter.
599-
A woman went to the doctor with a bad cough. The doctor said, “Do you ever get a
tickle in the morning.” “Well I used to, but now they have changed the milkman.”
600-
A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long
time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'
601-
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs.Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
602-
As doctor Ginsberg is taking his Sunday morning walk, he sees 80 year old Freda,
one of his patients, on the other side of the road. And he can’t help noticing
how slowly and painfully she is walking. So he crosses the road to find out
what’s troubling her.
"Hello Freda," he says, "how are you feeling? You look like you’re in some
pain."
She stares hard at doctor Ginsberg for a few moments, then replies, "Nu? You ask
me how I'm feeling? So let me tell you already how I’m feeling. Everything
hurts, that’s how I’m feeling, doctor. My heart is beating heavily in my chest,
I find it hard to breathe if I walk too fast, both my knees are sore, my arms
ache like hell, I’ve got a terrible headache, and on top of all that, I haven’t
had a good pish for days."
"Oh dear, Freda, I’m sorry to hear this," says doctor Ginsberg. "But if you’ve
been feeling so bad, why haven’t you come into my surgery so that I could check
you out?"
"Doctor," says Freda, uttering a deep sigh, "I was just waiting until I felt a
little better before I came to see you."
603-
Soon after Simon becomes a doctor, he joins his local GP practice as a
replacement for the elderly and soon-to-retire Dr Levy. At the end of his first
day of work at the practice, Simon accompanies Dr Levy on his evening round so
that the local Jewish community can quickly get to know him. The first patient
they visit is Miriam, who has been in bed for much of the past week.
"So what’s the matter with you, Miriam?" asks Dr Levy.
"I’ve had bad diarrhoea for days, doctor," replies Miriam, "and I can’t seem to
shake it off."
After just a few minutes of further discussion, Dr Levy suddenly says to Miriam,
"I suspect you’ve been eating far too much fresh fruit. May I suggest you give
fruit a rest for a few days - I’m sure that will clear up the problem."
When they leave the house, Simon says to Dr Levy, "How did you manage to come up
with your diagnosis so quickly? And why didn’t you examine her?"
"There was no need for an examination," replies Dr Levy. "Did you notice me
dropping my stethoscope on the floor next to her bed?"
"Yes I did," replies Simon.
"It’s a strategy I’ve used before," says Dr Levy. "When I bend down to retrieve
it, I look under the bed. In Miriam’s case, I saw apple cores, orange peel and
banana skins, so I assumed that was the cause of her problem."
"Cool," says Simon, "I must remember that."
Then they arrive at the house of Dr Levy’s second patient.
"So Leah, what seems to be troubling you?" asks Dr Levy.
"Oy, doctor, am I weak! My energy levels are way down from normal."
After just a few minutes of further discussion, Simon suddenly says to Leah, "I
suspect you’ve been spending too much time on shul work. May I suggest you cut
back a bit - I’m sure that will clear up the problem."
When they leave the house, Dr Levy says to Simon, "I know Leah very well, and
your diagnosis is probably spot on. But I’d love to know how you reached it so
quickly."
"It was obvious," replies Simon. "I dropped my stethoscope on the floor next to
her bed and as soon as I bent down to retrieve it, I saw the answer.
"So what did you see under the bed, Simon?" asks Dr Levy.
"The Rabbi," replies Simon.
604-
My Doctor has told me I'm paranoid, I wonder who else he's told.
605-
My wife & I were expecting our first child while we were stationed in Corpus
Christi, TX. We were at our first OB/GYN exam with an old crusty Doc that was
probably delivering babies in the Alamo. Nice guy, but seen it all, heard it all
a million times. I was stuttering around searching for the right words to ask
when we "should stop.... you know..... relations?" The Doc's answer was
priceless, "Sonny, as long as you don't get in my way in the delivery room, I
don't care!"
606-
I went to the doctor for a check -up.
He said, "The best advice I can give you is to give up smoking and drinking,
lose weight and get more exercise."
I said, "What's the next-best advice?"
607-
My doctor knows nothing about astrology.
Cancer? I'm Capricorn.
608-
In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked her
gynaecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive. He suggested she try
withdraw, douches or condoms. Several years later, the woman was walking down
the street with three children when she happened to run across her old doctor.
"I see you decided not to take my advice," he said, eyeing the young children.
"On the contrary, doc," she exclaimed, "Davey here was a pullout, Darcy was a
washout, and Delores was a blowout!"
609-
An 85 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation
follows:
'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted
last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has
deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'
'Do you know which ward she is in?'
'Yes, ward P, room 2B'
'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'
'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'
'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering
if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'
'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned
has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and
after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home
tomorrow.'
'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'
'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'
'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you fuck all in here
610-
During a routine physical exam, the doctor found his elderly male patient
suffering from the effects of old age much sooner than expected. So, he gave the
old man this piece of advice, “Your gout is getting much worse. You’ll have to
give up drinking, smoking and having sex for a long while.”
The old man stared back at his doctor incredulously before blurting out, “What
for? So that I can just walk a little better?”
611-
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual check-up. “I think something is wrong
with your back,” the doctor says.
“What makes you think that?” asks Quasimodo.
“I don’t know,” the doctor replies. “It’s just a hunch.”
612-
A Pakistani man walks into his local GP's surgery and heads for the appointment
room.
A woman stands up and says in very plain, loud and clear English: “We in queue.
You back of the queue. You after us!”
The Pakistani man responds saying: “You in queue, I doctor."
613-
Paddy, suffering from a severe toothache, finally got up enough nerve to visit
his dentist, but lost it again when he was about to get into the chair. The
dentist told his assistant to give Paddy a shot of whiskey kept on hand for just
such circumstances as this.
"Ye got your courage back now?" the dentist asked.
"No!" replied Paddy.
So a second shot was brought, then a third.
"Now have ye got your courage?" asked the dentist.
"You're damn right!" Paddy said, squaring his shoulders. "I'd like to see the
SOB who'd dare to touch me teeth now!”
614-
I had to go to the doctors the other day to get a lump on one of my nads checked
out.
As he was fondling my balls he suddenly stopped and said "Don't worry, it's
perfectly normal to get an erection."
I said "WHAT?!, I don't have have an erection."
He replied "no no, I know you don't, I was talking about me!"
615-
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk
he beats me to a pulp...."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home
drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just
gargle and gargle".
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I
gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.
Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"
616-
A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery
was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the
umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a
beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might.
The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.
The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the
newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby
through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the
fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop
up the infant and run down the corridor, stopping just long enough to body check
the child into the wall every so often.
At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby
into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now
quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was
distraught and burst into tears.
"Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?" she cried.
The doctor replied: "I'm just joking with you! It was stillborn."
617-
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a
brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide
and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of
the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the
chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the
malady lingers on."
618-
Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he
was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him. "Bill,"
advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit
your old routine of wine, women, and song." Bill thought for a few minutes, and
then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up
singing."
619-
There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once
had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there.
After a few house calls he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer
finally phoned him to ask what’s the matter, didn't he like him or something'.
The doctor replied, "No, it’s your ducks at the entrance... Every time I enter
the farm, they insult me!"
620-
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up
and demands to know what is going on. "I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own
incision."
The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."
621-
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?
Nurse: No. Is it missing?
622-
A woman had sex with a black man and a white man then discovered she was
pregnant.
So she went to the doctor.
"I have no idea if my baby is black or white".
So the doctor shoved his hand up her pussy and exclaimed, "It's black".
"How do you know?", the woman asked.
"My Rolex is gone", said the doctor.
623-
Just been reading one of those learn by alphabet books for medical students.
It's really good;
A is for Arthritus
B is for Bronchitus
C is for Dyslexia
624-
'Page 3 Girl In Skin Cancer Scare'.
That's the downside to exposing yourself to the sun on a regular basis.
625-
I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor
started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on. She told me that the
doctor liked to call the shots around here.
626-
I went to the doctors the other day and found out my new doctor's a young
female, drop dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry I'm a professional, I've seen it
all before, just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
I said, "I think my cock tastes funny...."
627-
Rafferty had been told to attend hospital for a minor operation, but he was
afraid. So when the fateful morning arrived, he lay in bed determined not to go.
'Ring the hospital,' he said to his wife, 'and tell them I'm sick.' 'You get to
hospital,' she answered. 'There's nothing wrong with you!' So Rafferty arrived
at hospital and was bathed, changed and safely tucked up in bed. 'Now,' said the
nurse, 'you're to stay there and not get up. So let me know if you want a bed
pan.' 'A bed pan?' roared Rafferty. 'Don't tell me we've got to do our own
cooking!'
628-
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
629-
The doctor said to the housewife, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The
good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch!"
630-
A fat dude goes to his doctors, because he needed to lose weight. ''I'm at the
end of my tether doctor, is there anything you can suggest I do?'' So the doctor
examines him and after some prodding and tutting finally suggests that he should
spend six months in hospital, with his jaws wired shut. ''Well, OK doctor, it
sounds drastic, but I guess that's what I need.'' Anyway, six months go by and
the dude comes out of hospital, thin as a rake. He goes round to the doctor's to
thank him. ''There's only one problem doctor, you see I was so fat beforehand,
that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give
me?'' ''Hmm, short of pretty comprehensive plastic surgery, there is only one
alternative. Take your clothes off a moment.'' So the dude strips down. Then,
squeezing it all upwards, the doctor ties it in a ball above his head. ''That's
all well and good, doc'', the dude said, ''but my navel is now in the middle of
my forehead.'' The doctor replies, ''Yes, but you should see what you have got
for a collar and tie!'
631-
A man phoned a retail pharmacy to talk about his prescription. He said to the
pharmacist, "My doctor ordered this prescription for me. Your store filled it
and gave me a bottle with 100 capsules in it about two weeks ago. I'm supposed
to take one capsule every six hours and I've been doing that. This little packet
came out of the bottle while I was getting my capsule once. The packet said, "do
not eat" on it. That was four days ago, and I'm really hungry!"
632-
Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work. For the
past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset gave him the eye as
he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he
stopped to pick her up.
Jake was a good husband and family man and didn't want to cheat on his wife.
However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of
his mind. After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a
psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married
45 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife.
"What should I do?" asked Jake.
The psychiatrist said: "Take Melrose Avenue."
633-
A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in
room 27. She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him No, the
room is empty.
"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."
634-
The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, "I cannot hide
the fact that you are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would like to
see?".
"Yes," replied the patient faintly, "Another doctor"
635-
News just in, "HOSPITAL STAFF WORRIED ABOUT CUTS".
Well I hope no-one with a broken leg gets admitted, there'll be total panic.
636-
I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really
bad headache."
"It's a migraine," he explained.
"No, it's not, it's mine - and why the fuck have you started speaking Italian?"
637-
Peter called his doctor's office for an appointment. "I'm sorry," said the
receptionist, "we can't fit you in for at least two weeks." "But I could be dead
by then!" "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment."
638-
The doctor's waiting room was packed with patients. After about two hours of
waiting and waiting, an old lady stood up and said, "Tell the doc I went home to
die a natural death!"
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