Animals 3
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Little Known Feline Ailments
Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioural quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but little-documented, afflictions of cats.
COLLAPSIBLE LEGS
Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc. After several such
manoeuvres, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.
Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though - some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.
SNUDGING
Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging." Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.
Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call.
BED-HOGGING
Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious - any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.
Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).
NONSPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION (also NONSPECIFIC SPIDER INFESTATION)
Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with spider webs that it has difficulty walking).
Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.) and combing webs out of fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor continues).
IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME
Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc.
Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.
LAP FUNGUS DISORDER
Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.
Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat's life and there is no long-term cure.
SMURGLING
Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owners earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.
Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.
GREEBLINGZ
Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such
greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are naturally immune.
Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.
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A travelling salesman was passing through a small outback town when he decided to rest for the night. On the outskirts, he stopped by a farmer's house to see if he could get a room for the night. The farmer agreed to let the stranger stay but warned him to keep away from his young daughter.
The salesman agreed but to make sure he kept his word, the farmer quietly placed three fresh eggs above his daughter's bedroom door.
If the eggs fell and broke, then the farmer would know the salesman had indulged in hanky-panky with her. Temptation got the best of the salesman and he snuck into the young girl's room and did his deed. Of course he broke all the eggs, so he and the girl spent the rest of the night cleaning up the mess, gluing the shells back together, then placing them back on the top of the door. The farmer got up the next morning and checked his daughter's room. All three eggs appeared to be in place.
He felt good about his daughter and the salesman and decided to fix them breakfast with the eggs he'd used. He cracked the first one. Nothing inside. It's the same with the second and third eggs.
The farmer thought, "I'm no dummy!"
He angrily stormed out of the house, stood on his porch and screamed, "OK, I wanna know the truth! Which one of you roosters is wearing a condom?!"
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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving 20 blocks from the house and leaving the cat at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the
driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He let the beast out of the car and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, but the feline would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, cross the bridge, then right again, and make another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
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It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.
The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"
Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance."
The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger ass or smaller eggs."
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Cat Quotes
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - Dave Platt
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." –Bruce Graham
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow." - Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." – Ernest Hemmingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." - Unknown
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." - Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic"
"My husband said it was either him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."
"Dogs have owners....cats have a staff".
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Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex.
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your
Honour, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever
foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
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A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery.
"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened, and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the
jewellery, and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away."
The desk sergeant said, "Can you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"
"What's the difference?" asked the jeweller.
"Well," said the sergeant, "an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears."
"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweller. "He had a stocking over his head."
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Canine Mind Games
After your humans give you a bath, don't let them towel dry you! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets.
When your humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage.
Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly, but when they try to show it to a friend, stare at them blankly.
When humans take you for a walk, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
When out on a walk in a city, always pick the busiest most visible spot to go--especially if your human has forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide until they think something terrible has happened to you. Then jump out loudly at them.
When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walking more and more slowly the closer you get to the door.
Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside.)
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Crossbred Dogs
Malamute x Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers but ... it doesn't seem to matter.
Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed.
Pointer x Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingnese x Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland x Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Terrier x Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound x Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Collie x Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound x Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband.
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Two male flies are buzzing around looking for good-looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow dung and dives down toward her.
"Pardon me," he asks, turning on his best charm, "... but is this stool taken?"
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While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.
I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.
"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained.
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A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it."
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's finished there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place.
The drinker pays up and says, "Say what breed is that anyway?"
The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator."
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Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."
The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."
The third said, "You both have it wrong ....it's WOOM."
The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.
Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"
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A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale.
All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.
Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
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Things I MUST remember as a dog
1. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew on my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am
haemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom and dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavoured dental floss out of the bathroom and then have a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is NOT an acceptable way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually NOT a good thing!
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A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.
He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream."
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Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.
The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength---none in the forest dared to challenge him.
The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.
As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!
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Q) Why does a dog lick his ass?
A) Because he knows in five minutes he'll be licking your face.
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Comparisons of dogs and men
Why Dogs Are Better Than Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you - except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
How Dogs and Men are alike
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
How Men are better than Dogs
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
And the number one reason dogs fall short...
It's fun to dry off a wet man! (If you're a woman that is!)
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If Your Pet Could Talk..
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and over............... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? FUCK NO!"
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
Dog "I don't care if you take the jewellery or money, but don't mess with the fridge."
Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! Oh brilliant, asshole. There's a new one!"
Cat: "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."
Dog: "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem unable to stop myself from looking for it."
Dog: "Why is the baby eating my food..."
Hamster: "Kill me, this wheel is boring."
Iguana: "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with my food bowl, my water and these annoying wood chips scraping my ass.
Dog: "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my crap! Well if I'm ever hungry I'll know there's plenty for me in the backyard..."
Dog: "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."
Cat: "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all fours off the balcony' test again."
Gerbil: "OH NO, not again!"
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How to Clean the Toilet - -
1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and put both lids up.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)
4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".)
5. Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!
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A dog named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." --
My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a
dog."
173-
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
174-
I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to
do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous
experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here,
too. don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she
does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...just...that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
1 Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........ ................Priceless
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There's a guy hitchiking along the highway when along comes an 18-wheeler. It pulls up and comes to a grinding halt. The hitcher runs to the truck, reaches up, opens the door and jumps in. There sits the driver and beside him is his pet monkey. "Great lookin' monkey, dude", said the hitcher. "Yeah, he's great company and he looks after you too. Check this shit out". Without further ado, the trucker winds up and punches the monkey in the guts with all his might. The monkey dutifully bends down, unzips the trucker's fly, goes down and gets to work on the trucker's manhood at a vigorous pace. Once the Captain of the Kenworth has unloaded his cargo all over the cabin the monkey wipes him off, zips up his fly and sits back down in his little monkey-seat in the cabin. "That's GREAT!", says the by-now quite interested hitcher. "Can I give it a try?". The trucker looks across and says, "Yeah sure, why not?". "Okay, but just one thing though", says the hitcher. "What's that?", asks the trucker. "There's no need to smack me in the guts so hard".
176-
There were 2 male canaries just sitting in a cage, when one day the door opened and a female canary was tossed in...
She hated being in the cage and flew circles inside trying to find a way out. One male canary looked at the other and said "Hey watch this" He called to the female..."Hey I know how to get out of here" she flew over and and begged him to tell her...
He said, "Meet me at the bottom of the cage."
So she flew down to where he was waiting and he said, "Gimme some and I'll tell you."
Being desperate to escape she gave him some birdie sex...only to be told when they were done, "Ha!!
There's no way out of here!!" He flew up and high winged the other male...
Two days later the female was still trying to find a way out when the other male called to her and said, "Hey I feel sorry for you!! Meet me at the bottom of the cage and I'll tell you how to get out."
So... she flew down and he said, "Gimme some and I'll tell ya. "By this time she was distraught and willing to do anything, so she gave him some birdie sex... only to be told, "Ha! Dummy
there's no way out of here!"
That night the cage was covered and the female was still looking for escape.... The next morning the cover came off and to the astonishment of the male canaries the female was flying circles around the OUTSIDE of the cage!!!!!
Do you know how she got out????
scroll down
GIMME SOME AND I'LL TELL YA!
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Overheard on Noah's Ark
"Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"
"Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"
"Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"
"OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"
"Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"
"Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"
"No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"
"And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."
"Nice Doggie!"
And The Number One Thing Overheard On Noah's Ark.....
"Are We There Yet?"
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An Australian man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he can't even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn."
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It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.
The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"
Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes metop heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance."
The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger ass or smaller eggs."
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From a Dog's Daily Diary:
8:00 am Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favourite!
9:30 am Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favourite!
9:40 am Oh Boy! A Walk! My Favourite!
10:30 am Oh Boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My Favourite!
11:30 am Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favourite!
Noon Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favourite!
1:00 pm Oh Boy! The Yard! My Favourite!
4:00 pm Oh Boy! To the Park! My Favourite!
5:00 pm Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favourite!
5:30 pm Oh Boy! Pretty Mums! My Favourite!
6:00 pm Oh Boy! Playing Ball! My Favourite!
6:30 pm Oh Boy! Watching TV with my Master! My favourite!
8:30 pm Oh Boy! Sleeping in Master's Bed! My Favourite!
From a Cat's Daily Diary:
Day 183 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild scolding I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt
to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
Hmmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell of food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies". I must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
181-
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night; face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in: "OK, follow me!" he said and flew out of the cave with thousands of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats frenziedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that really big oak tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat: "because I fucking didn't!"
182-
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
183-
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.
The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"
The monkey looks down and says, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck........ How much water did you drink?!"
184-
Visiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the kangaroos had a huge set of balls. She couldn't believe the size of these hummers, and when the 'roo ventured close to the bars of the enclosure, she reached thru the bars and gave his 'nads a squeeze.
The animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence and bounded away down the path.
A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and running up to the woman, said "What did you do to that kangaroo?"
"I just gave his nuts a tweak to see if they were real!" she wailed.
"Well," said the keeper, dropping his pants, "you'd better tweak mine, 'cause I have to catch that fucker"!
185-
How do you make a bull sweat?
Give him a tight Jersey.
186-
You are putting up shelves.
Dog thinks "Master, I don't know what you are doing but it looks fantastic and I love you!"
Cat thinks "Wanker. He’s not read the instructions, he's using allen keys instead of the self-tapping screws and that hinge is upside down."
187-
This bloke has been out with a couple of mates and is walking home at about 2am when all of a sudden around the corner comes this big 'low loader' truck with an elephant chained on the low section.
Two blokes jump out, unchain the elephant and run it thru' the back wall of a large
jewellry store, smashing a massive hole in the wall.
The bloke just stands there amazed at what is happening.
The gang are into the jewellers and out again with all the loot, load up the elephant and with all the alarm bells ringing the 'low loader' takes off like a rocket.
Two minutes later the law are on the scene and the bloke is still standing there stunned.
"OK sir can you tell us exactly what happened here"
"Here I am just walking home quietly when this 'low loader' with an elephant on the back comes flying round the corner, two blokes jump out and undo the elephant and run it right thru' that brick wall"
"Been drinking, have we sir?"
"I beg your pardon but I don't drink, thank you."
"Alright sir, now lets get this straight, in your own words once again if you please,"
"I'm walking home, minding my own business, not having been drinking when all of a sudden this 'low loader' truck with an elephant on the back comes flying round the corner and two blokes unchain the elephant and run it right into that wall and then they rush in, grab all the loot, chain the elephant back on the truck and take off, I've never seen anything like it in my life"
"Well sir, in your own time and in your own words of course, do you think you could tell us, for the record, you understand, was this an African elephant or an Indian elephant?"
He said "How the fuck do I know, it had a stocking over it's head"
188-
It's 2:00 in the morning and the
travelling salesman calls the front desk at his motel and asks for some female company but with certain physical characteristics.
"She's got to be taller than 6 ft. and weigh no more than 100 pounds," he tells the desk clerk. 30 minutes later, there's a knock on his door and he opens it to see a tall, lithe young lady.
"I'm here for your pleasure, sir," she says.
"What do you weigh and how tall are you?"
She replies, "6'2 and 97 pounds."
"Perfect," he says. "Now take off all your clothes and get down on all fours on the floor."
As she does this, he walks to the bathroom door, opens it and ushers in a big St. Bernard dog.
The dog looks at the girl and the girl looks at the dog and the salesman says, "Now Fritz, do you see what you're going to look like if you don't finish your dinner?"
189-
Three female cats were bragging about their kittens.
The first cat said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian cat." The third cat said nothing. The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure bread Siamese."
The third cat said still said nothing. Then the first two cats asked her, "What are your kittens?" She replied, "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time."
190-
Q. What should you do if a elephant comes in your window?
A. Learn to swim.
191-
A friend, after searching for months, found the perfect place to rent in a nice neighbourhood, garden/lawn area, pool tennis etc. His problem was, his dog, as the landlord specified "No
dogs." He decided not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever). Everything was fine except for one thing, the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the
neighbour below, walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit.
The guy went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick my friend out, but he being quite persuasive and always punctual with rent checks, convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog on the condition that that he kept his dog out of the garden area.
Months went by with out incident, until his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out. and he came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the house. He opened the back door, and there on the steps was his dog, dead dirty rabbit in mouth.
My friend panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction and even possible jail time, he
desperately decided to take matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its fur and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. thinking the owners would conclude the rabbit died of natural causes, - Nothing happened, nothing was said, so after an excruciating week, my friend finally approached the neighbour one morning on the way to work. and asked, "How's everything?" .
"We're moving" replied the man. "This is a really becoming a sick neighbourhood."
"Why? What happened?" my friend asked.
The neighbour replied, "Some sick, twisted moron dug up my kid's dead rabbit that we buried in the garden last week, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back.
192-
Things Dogs Must Try To Remember
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mummy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am
haemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mum's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mum & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Dad's driver's license and car registration.
193-
Message to Cats
Dear Cats
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is therefore not a racetrack.
Beating me to the end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help either, as I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will resort to sleeping on the sofa to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping. They can actually curl up into a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. Please note that sticking tails and tongues out to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw,
meeow, try to turn the knob, or to get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door I entered.
In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Feline attendance has never been necessary.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat's litter tray. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on our front door.
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, s/he is an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
194-
26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog! ; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.!
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
And, last but not least:
26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
195-
I read an article recently about someone having tremendous problems bathing a cat. This tickled me, and I am moved to describe an incident in the same vein. Has anyone had to take a cat to the vet? On public transport? I did, and it was probably the most harrowing experience of my life except for when I had a spectacular bowel disorder which came on during a funeral service. My cat had a Sheep Tick lodged on his head, that could not be removed, so I decided to take him to the vet.
When I had bought the cat, I'd also bought a cat basket made from stout wicker for this very purpose. I went to the closet and took out the basket, but Cat saw it and gave me a cocky, head on one side, look that said, quite simply, "If you think I am going to humiliate myself by putting my fine, furry body in that, you can shove it up your arse, mate." So I put the basket on the table, and picked up the cat, cooing soft, gentle phrases that would have calmed down one of those dogs that are banned and owned by people with their names tattooed on their foreheads in mirror writing. Cat started to purr, albeit suspiciously. However, as soon as I got him near the door of the basket, his limbs shot so wide that he was clawing at both sides of the room simultaneously. There followed two minutes of what seemed like fighting with an angry furry octopus with more claws than Geronimo's necklace and the temper of Don King with his German helmet caught in his fly.
"Come on, puss, go in" "Meow" "Please... ouch" "Hiss.... snarl" "Get in you fat fucking furry fucker" "Meeoooow... growl..." etc.. etc..
Eventually I succeeded, because I am over 6 feet and 200 pounds. But I had been scratched so much that I looked like I'd had Freddy Krueger round for tea and angered him with a comment about his mother's facial hair. So, I took him to the bus stop and waited in the queue. Cat sat with his paws folded with an expression of loathing disgust, planning his ultimate revenge.... We got on the bus and sat down. It was the usual group of afternoon, off-peak passengers; Old ladies because they could travel for free and spotty adolescents going to burgle houses. For the first few minutes, Cat kept quiet, shuffling about a little, and licking his bottom. Then it started.
"meow..." "Meowwwww... " "M E E O OW.... WOOOOOOO.... WOWOWOWO..... MEEEEEEEOOOWW... grrrroowwwll"
The old lady next to me was rather startled. I think she thought it was an Air-Raid siren, and she started mumbling, "Old Fritz is at it again and my Arthur was never the same after they shot one of his balls off."
But it soon became apparent to everyone on the bus that it was Cat who was making the racket. Spotty kid at the back took his Walkman headphones off. Then came the bombshell. It started as the faintest whiff - the merest zephyr of cat shit wafting up my nose. It's worth pondering for a moment what goes on in a cats devilish insides. Consider what goes in at the front end. Certain brands of cat food in the UK have recently been classified as "fit for human consumption".
But if I came home after a hard day at the office and found a tin of that laid out for my dinner there would be a great deal of shouting and a trip to the lawyer's. Cat food is vile. There is a common bond that is shared across humanity - everyone in the whole world, when opening a tin of cat food before breakfast shouts, "Oh Jesus Fucking Christ" when they get a whiff of it. Even Arabs. So, considering the material a cat has to work with, coupled with a set of bile organs developed by Lucifer himself, you can understand why I was sitting on a bus surrounded by people looking like they were entrants in a Face Pulling & Pointing competition.
And then came the urine. Yorkshire, in North England (where I live) has recently suffered a drought. In an attempt to resolve the situation, Yorkshire Water Limited had to draft in hundreds of water tankers to top up the depleted reservoirs. They needn't have bothered. All they had to do was couple a pipeline to my cat's tallywhacker, erect a sizable distilling facility and provide gas masks to the local residents. I have never seen as much urine come from a living being. I've giggled at horses relieving themselves in fields, and I've seen an elephant taking an impressive leak in a TV programme. But they are insignificant compared to the amount of fluid that a cat can hold when it's angry. Steven Hawking alone can contemplate the multi-dimensionality that allows my 16 pound cat to store gallons of water in its zeppelin of a bladder. Of course, wicker baskets do not hermetically seal. So the fluid ran straight on to my trousers.
My khaki, summer trousers. The crotch of my trousers. It was way before my stop, but I just had to get off the bus because people were starting to threaten me between retches. I walked down the aisle, dripping with wee, holding a caterwauling ball of furry, clawy anger in a basket. I had to walk about a mile to the Vet's, with people looking straight at the dark, damp patch that was my crotch. It was very difficult to retain my dignity.
When I got to the Vet's, the man took one look at the cat, whipped out some tweezers and had the Tick removed in an instant. Presenting me with a bill that was large enough to buy food for a platoon of hungry soldiers with tapeworms, he said, "You could have removed that at home - you needn't have made the effort to come all the way here."
The next thing he said was "Ouch - there's no need for th...", followed by "Oh Jesus, my plums", and rounding off with, "That bill has got to be paid - it's no good wiping your crotch with it."
196-
A monkey is having a draft in his local tavern. When he's down to the last sip, he spits the beer at the bartender. The monkey apologizes to the bartender: "Please forgive me, you probably think we do this in the jungle all the time. Actually, it's a nervous habit I just can't seem to break it. It is so embarrassing." "You'd better see a psychiatrist," says the bartender. A few weeks later, the monkey comes in the bar again. He sits down and orders a beer. Just as he's about to take the last sip he spits at the bartender. "Hey, I thought you were going to see a psychiatrist!" "I have been," said the monkey. "Well, it's not doing any good." "Yes, it is," said the monkey, "now I'm not embarrassed about it."
197-
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
198-
I want to be a bear......
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup...... I want to be a bear!
199-
One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.
"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."
"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."
"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."
Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all... hawk, lion, and stinker.
200-
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A
LIGHT BULB?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young; we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me!
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
Which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.
201-
A woman had started a new job collecting the sperm from turkeys to use for artificial insemination. One day, as she went up to one turkey, it went "Gobble, gobble."
She replied, "Quiet down! You'll settle for a hand job like the rest!"
202-
Petey was a snake, only so big. Petey lived in a pit with his mother. One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother said,
"Petey, don't hiss in the pit, go outside the pit to hiss." So Petey went outside of the pit to hiss. Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and hissed in the pit. Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit and said,
"Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs. Pott's pit and hiss in her pit. Petey went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home so he hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Pott's pit, Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit. She said
"Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit; go to your own pit and hiss." This made Petey very sad, and he cried all the way home. When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying and said,
"Petey, what's the matter?" Petey said, "I went over to Mrs. Pott's to hiss in her pit but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in her pit anyway. Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissing in her pit and said,
"Petey, if you must hiss in a pit go to your own pit and hiss. This made his mother very angry and she said, "Why that mean old Lady! I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn't have a pit to hiss in.
203-
A rabbit goes into a pub. Asks the barman for a pint of beer and something to eat. The barman tells him that they are serving toasted sandwiches. There's a choice of cheese, cheese and ham or cheese and tomato. The rabbit thinks for a bit and asks for a cheese and tomato one.
Off he goes to have a game of pool then half an hour later he returns to the bar and asks for another pint and another cheese and tomato toastie. The barman says, "Sorry sir, we've run out of tomatoes." So the rabbit orders cheese and ham instead.
Half an hour later it's much the same story. The rabbit, being a rabbit, is hungry again so he goes up to the bars and asks for another cheese and ham toastie. The barman says, "Sorry sir, we've run out of ham." So the rabbit, although he's a bit miffed, orders plain cheese instead.
He hops back to the pool table, takes one bite out of his sandwich, and drops down dead.
Before he knows it, he's standing at the end of a long line of rabbits waiting to get through the Pearly Gates. He asks the rabbits in front of him how they got there. One rabbit says that he was shot by a farmer. The rabbit next to him was run down by a car. "How about you?" they ask our hero. "No idea at all," he says "one minute I was in a bar and the next minute I wake up here! It's a real mystery……"
"Tell you what," says one of the other rabbits, "if you go up to the head of the line St Peter will look in his book and tell you what you died from." So the rabbit hops off to the head of the queue, has a word with St Peter and then hops back again.
"Well?" say his new friends, "Did you find out what you died from?"
The rabbit tuts, rolls his eyes, and says "Mixin' my toasties!"
204-
Dear Master:
The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face the facts:
It's time to get rid of the cat.
Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table.
Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table – actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.
And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat by-products you bring home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that what's important? Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason.
I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here's a note from the hamster:
---------- Subject: Cat
Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.
Signed, Hamster Department of Rodent Wheels
----------
I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality TV show.
I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis.
And why doesn't she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time.
And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense.
So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the #1 pet.
Sincerely, The Dog
205-
This older musician had moderate success in his field, but he was a wonderful music teacher. One day he had an inspiration and decided he could teach white mice to play classical music.
He assembled 16 mice and hand fashioned various instruments for each mouse. He worked hard teaching the mice to play the 1812 Overture. After three years he was ready to expose his symphony orchestra to the world.
He was granted an appointment with a famous talent agency, and appeared at the conference room of the Madison Avenue agency. The mice assembled, picked up their little instruments, and proceeded to play the best 1812 Overture ever heard.
The conductor white mouse took three bows, as did the 1st violinist. The man seeing his life's greatest achievement turned to the head of the talent agency, and said , " What do you think of my orchestra sir ?"
The agency boss said, " They are the greatest act I've ever seen. You are to be congratulated, but I can't book them and that's final."
The man , with his heart broken asked, " But why can't you book them ?"
The agency boss said in a whisper...." Because the drummer looks Jewish"
206-
This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are your parrots?" The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000." "What does he know?" "He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions." "How about the second one?" "The second parrot costs $5,000." "What does he know?" "He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs." "Then what is the price for the third one" "This one costs $20,000." "Really?!, wonders the
excited buyer. What does he know?" "This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'BOSS.
207-
Ali Salem goes to the used camel dealer. He wants a cheap camel to take him only one trip across the desert.
The dealer says, "I have a good used camel for you. It hasn't done many miles, only had one owner but has a small fault. Because of the fault, I'm willing to let him go cheap!"
"What's the fault?", asks Ali.
"The camel will go for many miles and then stop! The only way to get him to walk again, is to jerk off the camel!"
"That's disgusting!" says Ali.
"Yeah, but he's very cheap...!" adds the dealer.
After some massive internal discussions with himself, Ali thinks "What the hell, its a cheap camel and no one will see me wanking the camel off in the desert"
"OK, I'll take him," says Ali to the dealer. After packing his bags on the camels back, he mounts up and sets off across the desert.
After 50 miles the camel stops. Ali dismounts and tries to persuade the camel to walk. But to no avail.
He then remembers the fault. Gingerly he takes hold of the camel's meat and slowly jerks him off. When the camel comes, Ali mounts up and away they go. Ali thinks, "That wasn't so bad!"
50 miles later, the same thing happens. This time Ali jerks the camel off faster, finishes, wipes his hands and mounts up to continue the trip.
This happens 4 more times, stop, jerk off, continue. Then after a short walk, the camel comes to a sudden stop, Ali gets off and prepares to jerk off the camel. But then the camel shakes his head, pouts his lips and makes sucking sounds.
208-
"Two old ladies go to the zoo and see an angry male elephant with a huge erection. The elephant is rampaging round the enclosure and one of the old ladies says, 'Gracious, d'you think he'll charge?' The other old lady looks at the erection and says, 'Well, yes - I think he'd be entitled to!'
209-
TO GOD - FROM THE DOG:
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember - to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.. neither are laps.
4. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
5. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
6. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
7. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not throw up in the car.
11. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing. And, finally, My last question . .
Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
210-
To help prevent another outbreak of Mad Cow Disease we ask you to monitor your cows for any of the following symptoms listed below. If your cow displays any of the following symptoms we suggest you try the chicken tonight.
Your cow insists on wearing a little steak sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Arches Logo'.
Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, its already got a cool leather jacket.
Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.
Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
Your cow seems to actually enjoy being 'Hogtied'.
Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.
Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells out "Bullseye"!
Your cow starts smoking the cowlick.
Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".
Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon, like in the nursery rhyme, if it got a really good run at it.
211-
A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on the creature's rather hideous appearance.
Princess: "My, but you are really an ugly frog!"
Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me."
Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you."
Frog: "Look, leave me alone my dear. I told you, it's a really bad spell."
Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?"
Frog: "I don't know dear, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job."
212-
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German
Shepherd.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
213-
I had been banging around the roads of east Texas on my motorcycle and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!
Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness... all within seconds.. Time to get off the freeway.
I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential
neighbourhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge" so frequently required when riding.
Little did I suspect...
As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it - it was that close.
I hate to run over animals... and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.
Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street... and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.
I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.
But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel.
This was an evil attack squirrel of death!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.
I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in... well... I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe
70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street... on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.
The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.
Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.
Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.
I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.
So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger...
That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car...
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the
neighbourhood.
As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death... I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time.
214-
A salesman's car broke down in the country one night. He walked back to the nearest house and asked if he could spend the night. "OK," said the homeowner, "but promise you won't touch my pink gorilla."
"A pink gorilla? Surely not!"
"Would you like to see him?"
"Yes, of course!"
The homeowner went to the middle of the room, moved a small table and the rug under it, and opened a trap door. They went down a stair and found themselves at a large metal door. The owner opened it with a key, saying, "This is the 10-ton door." Soon they were in front of another door, "This is the 20-ton door," said the owner as he opened it. They went on through a 30-ton door, a 40-ton door, and at last a 50-ton door. After that, they were in a room with a metal cage in it, and there indeed was a pink gorilla! It seemed gentle enough, but the owner cautioned again, "Just don't touch him while you're here or there will be hell to pay."
They went back upstairs, through the 50-ton door, the 40-ton door, the 30-ton door, the 20-ton door, the 10-ton door, up the stairs and back into the house. Shortly after that, they went to bed. The salesman couldn't stop thinking about that pink gorilla. "What's wrong with just touching it?" he wondered. Finally, he couldn't stand it and got up, moving the table and rug, and crept down the stairs. He located the key and proceeded through the 10-ton door, 20-ton door, 30-ton door, 40-ton door, and 50-ton door.
The pink gorilla was sound asleep in his cage. The salesman stole up to it and reaching through the bars, gently touched its pink fur. Instantly the gorilla was awake and began to jump up and down and jerk at the bars of the cage! The salesman ran out of the room in terror as the pink gorilla began to break out of its cage. He slammed the 50-ton door and ran through the 40-ton door, hearing the pink gorilla behind him breaking through the 50-ton door! He ran faster and slammed the 30-ton door, again hearing the pink gorilla breaking through the 40-ton door! On and on he ran, each time as he slammed a huge door, hearing the pink gorilla breaking through! He ran up the stairs, out of the house and down the road. He heard heavy breathing behind him and glancing back, saw the pink gorilla gaining on him! He stumbled and fell down and saw the pink gorilla towering over him.
The pink gorilla then leaned down, patted him on the arm, and grunted, "Tag. You're it!"
215-
Three guys sitting in a bar around a log fire with their dogs and get talkin' about them.
First one says "My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker."
The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a beautiful figurine.
Next one says "My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker"
The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving emerges.
Third one says "My dog is called iron worker" he puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot. "Now," he says "I'll just touch him on the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door."
216-
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase.
The man travelled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.
"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.
"Oh, no...
'Bible... Church!... Please Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge.
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord.
Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.
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10 Dog Peeves
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!
2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons... now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! WhooooHoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet!
9. Dog sweaters. Hello ???... Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here!!!
You Don't See Me Picking Up Your Poop Do You?
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Rules For Cats.
I. DOORS Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS If you have to throw up, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When
throwing up on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.
IV. HELPING If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
V. WALKING As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.
VI. BEDTIME Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.
VII. COMPUTERS
1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.
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Teenagers Are Like Cats
** Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
** No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
** You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
** Even if you tell jokes as well as Billy Connolly, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
** No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
** Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
** Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
** Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
** Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
** Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of
behaviour.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
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How To Photograph A Puppy
Remove film from box and load camera
Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
Choose a suitable background for photo
Mount camera on tripod and focus
Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
Put magazines back on coffee table
Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
Call spouse to clean up mess
Fix a drink
Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
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Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"
Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..."
"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.
Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.
As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it?
Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"
To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."
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After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly coloured one.
A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the coloured eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.
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Joe buys a parrot, and the first night he has it, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"
After he takes her home, he says to the parrot, "You pull that shit again, I'll slash your throat and throw you in the toilet."
The next night, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"
Joe grabs the parrot, slashes his throat, and throws him in the toilet. He goes back to the girl and it turns out she's having her period, so she excuses herself to go yank out her tampon.
She's sitting on the bowl after she yanks it out, when she hears, I'm gonna live! I'm gonna live!"
She says, "What do you mean, 'You're gonna live'?"
The parrot points to her bloody snatch and says, "If you can live with a gash like THAT, I can live with a gash like
this!"
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Doggy Definitions
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your people where you want them to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbours put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and mouldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A manoeuvre to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require..... especially effective when combined with The Sniff.
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Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant.
"I'd like a pint of canary-coloured paint," he says.
"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"
"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."
"Well, you can't do that, Man!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"
"No, they won't," Jim replies.
"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."
"You're on!" says Jim.
Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten bucks on the counter in front of the clerk.
"So the paint killed your bird?"
"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
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A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mum am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fucking freezing.
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There are 3 women stranded on an island, with nothing but wild animals...
They all are feeling extremely horny and so one of the women decide that she is going to have sex with an elephant!
After about 20 mins she comes crawling out of the bushes... and says to the two other women, "Oh my god! That - was the - bestest sex I think - I have ever had - in my entire life!" sounding out of breath.
The two other women were amazed and now had an even greater urge to be satisfied. One of the two was so desperate she agreed to have sex with the elephant too!
She made her way into the bushes... a while later she stumbled out of the bushes with her hand on her chest! "You were right" she says to the other women, "that is the best sex - in the world!"
Excited by the news the final women is determined to have sex with the elephant too!
She walks into the bushes... About 3 minutes later, the other two women hear screaming, "She must be having a really good time!" says the one women!
There's a rustle in the bushes and the final women is dragging herself with her arms, her lower body limp... She is covered in blood from head to toe?! Ripped skin, hanging from her stomach! It looked as though she had just been in a war.
The ladies run up to her and ask what happened. With streaming tears she replies "The elephant said he was tired and so he fingered me...."
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A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog -- they say it's been trained to do blowjobs." "Blowjobs?", the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift and what if it's true... no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the Frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."
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Two doctors were jogging down a wood path, each arguing as to who was the better doctor. The 1st claimed he was better, then the 2nd. This went on for 30 minutes or so! Finally the 1st doctor said to the 2nd, "If you're so good - then prove it".
The 2nd doctor said "ok I will". The 2nd doctor looked around, up and down and saw an owl sitting up in an old oak tree. He said "see that owl", the 1st replied "yes", "I'll give that owl a tonsillectomy in 10 minutes" said the 2nd doctor. The 1st doctor encouraged him to try.
The clock started ticking, he reached up in the oak tree and grabbed the owl. With a "clip", "snip", and "clip" - the 2nd doctor was done. He proceeded to say, "9 minutes and 15 seconds later, I'm through - beat that!".
The 1st doctor then stated that he could beat the 2nd doctor by performing a vasectomy in 5 minutes. He asked the 2nd if he successfully completed the vasectomy in 5 minutes would he be the better of the two doctors. To that the doctored replied "yes".
The clock started ticking, he reached up in the oak tree and grabbed the same owl. With a "clip", "snip", "cut", "bang", "stitch", and "clip" - the 1st doctor was done. He completed his operation in a record 3 minutes and 35 seconds.
Both doctors went on jogging down the path happy and content as to whom was the better of the two doctors.
The next day the Mr. Owl and Mrs. Owl were flying along when Mrs. Owl stated "I'm tired, lets land and rest a while!".
Mr. Owl said "ok!"
Mrs. Owl looked around and saw (with her keen vision) a wonderful old oak tree to perch on, and said, "lets land over there on the old oak tree".
Mr. Owl looked around and saw the oak tree, only to proclaim, "I'M NOT LANDING THERE".
Mrs. owl said "why not",
Mr. Owl again proclaimed "I'M NOT LANDING THERE".
This went on for some time! Mrs. Owl said, "tell me why you don't want to land there or we're going to!".
Mr. Owl said; "Well, ever since I landed in that old oak tree yesterday, I can't hoot worth a fuck or fuck worth a hoot.
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Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny: "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
It's quite ok," replied the snake: "actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful!" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said: "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake: "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me?" So the Bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked: "Well, you're smooth and slippery and you've a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say... you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management..!"
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Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa!!
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A Quick Cat Scan:
~Your cat sits in front of you and looks lovingly in your eyes. Is it saying? a) I adore you b) I can outstare you c) If you ever get your lazy butt out of that chair, maybe I can get fed.
~Your cat bumps his head against yours. Is it saying? a) You are my bestest friend b) Will you play with me? c) If I bump this hard enough, maybe it'll break open and tuna will fall out.
~Your cat brings you a mouse with it's head missing. Is it saying? a) Here is a present for you b) I am a mighty hunter, stroke me c) this would look better surrounded by tuna
~Your cat licks his paws. Is it? a) Instinctively grooming itself b) Bored c) Getting ready to cat-slap you if you don't give him some food soon.
~Your cat sticks his paw under the bottom of the door and frantically waves. Is it saying? a) Imaginary mice are fun! b) Please open this door c) If I can build up these biceps, I can open my own cat food cans.
~Your cat rubs against your leg. He is? a) Showing you affection b) Trying to get your attention c) Trying to push you into the kitchen where the food is kept.
Your cat runs ahead of you and then rolls on his back. Is it saying? a) Rub my tummy b) Catch me if you can c) I am so exhausted from hunger, I can only run 2 feet at a time.
~Your cat backs up to your best piece of furniture and sprays. Is it saying? a) This is mine! I must mark it! b) I had a little extra pee I didn't know what to do with. c) Follow this smell to the kitchen cupboard where the food is kept.
~Your cat rubs his whiskers against your hand. He is? a) Showing you he loves you b) Petting himself c) Trying to push your hand into the can opener
~Your cat chases a moth in the air. He is? a) Instinctively honing his hunting skills b) Exercising c) Showing you he is insane with hunger and will eat ANYthing.
~Your cat swishes the water in the toilet. Is it trying to? a) Just have a little fun b) Catch a quick drink c) Show you that he can always snag a tuna swimming upstream if you don't feed him soon.
~Your cat sleeps by your side, purring contentedly. Is it saying? a) I love and adore you b) I just want to stay close to you c) I'll be the first one to know when you're awake so you can feed me.
~Your cat sits in the window and stares at the birds. Is it? a) Thinking about how beautiful birds are b) Wishing it could catch one c) Mentally telling you that bird-in-a-can would go great with Pounce Treats.
~Your cat sleeps in a discarded cardboard box. Is it? a) Laying where it feels safe b) Feeling all cozy c) Showing you what size coffin to buy if you don't feed it soon.
~Your cat munches on your houseplant. Is it saying? a) mmmmm.. good b) I love to puke up this stuff c) I'll eat every darn thing in this house that doesn't move if you don't open a can of tuna soon. Feed me!
~Now your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying? a) Please don't leave me here all alone. b) Adios. c) Hey you! Slave! Pick me up a can of tuna while you're out.
~Your cat digs its claws in your leg. Is this? a) Primal hunting instinct. b) A "love tap". c) Testing to see if you are tender & "done".
~Your cat scratches at the door after being fed? Is it saying? a) Let me out, I need to use the sandbox. b) I want to go out and roam. c) I Wonder what's to eat next door?
~Your cat rolls on his back in front of you. Is it saying? a) Please rub my tummy b) Aren't I cute? c) I am having seizures from lack of tuna. Feed me!
~Your cat is sound asleep in the window. It is thinking? a) Nothing, he's sleeping b) Ah, this sun feels good c) Can't you tell I've fainted from hunger??! Feed me!
Scores?
Mostly a ? You are your cat's slave
Mostly b ? You are onto your cat's ways
Mostly c ? Give your cat the car keys and let him go buy his own darn tuna!
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Billy, a little bunny rabbit, was hopping down the field, when he met a sheep. Hopping up to the sheep, he said, "I'm a little dirty bastard, who are you?"
The sheep replied, "I'm a sheep, and you're not a little dirty bastard, you're a bunny."
Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers as he hopped along the field. Soon he met a goat. Hopping up to the goat, he said, "I'm a little dirty bastard, who are you?"
The goat replied "I'm a goat, and you're not a little dirty bastard, you're a bunny."
Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers as he hopped along the field. Then he met a horse. Hopping up to the horse, he said, "I'm a little dirty bastard, who are you?"
The horse replied "I'm a horse, and you're not a little dirty bastard, you're a bunny."
Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers as he hopped along the field. Eventually, as Billy hopped along, he came across the cutest, prettiest little girl bunny that you have ever met. She knocked his socks off. Billy hops up to her, cleared his throat, and said, "I'm a little dirty bastard, who are you?"
She looked at him, smiled and said, "My name is Christine, and I'm a little bunny. What's your name? Why do you say you're a little dirty bastard?"
Billy said, "My name is Billy, and I am a little dirty bastard. Everyone says so."
Christine turned her pretty little nose up into the air, and said, "If you can't talk decently, go away!" And so saying she turned around and started to eat some grass.
Billy hopped on and shagged her like crazy.
Christine jumped up and said, "Why, you little dirty bastard!"
Whereupon, Billy smiled and hopped away.
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Moby was walking along the High Street of his shire when a right English rain began to tumble down. Ducked he himself into a pub, whereupon friends he met, quaffed a number of pints, and then a few more, and began the long slow stagger home in the midnight hour.
Meandering in the cold, Moby decided it was time to get himself an Indian curry, so he stepped into the nearest New Dehli Deli take-away and ordered an extra hot vindaloo.
Getting home at long last, Moby put the curry on the kitchen table while and went to the bathroom to freshen up.
Now it would come to pass that the house cat closed in on the curry and, hungry and bored, decided to take the temptation to task. Myum myum. Nibble nibble. Chow chow. Lick lick. The vindaloo vanished.
Sure enough, Moby returned and was shocked to find his felis domesticatus fully immersed, whiskers in the sauce, licking the tin clean.
Moby grabbed his cat by the scruff of its neck, and carried him out to the trash bin. "You horrible little floor mop. Now you've done it! Good riddance!" he shouted. Filling a trash can with water, he tossed the cat into it and slammed the lid down, keeping it weighted down with bricks.
Returning to his abode, Moby started to feel very sorry for himself. A few minutes later he heard a knock on the window, and sure enough, when he looked there, he saw his cat.
The cat looked at him and asked, "You wouldn't happen to have any more water, would you?"
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Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.
If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.
DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. after you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.
GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric
colour which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here." Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering: When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a news paper, claw at it until shredded.
236-
Q. What did the mouse say when they gave him viagra?
A. Here pussy, pussy, pussy!
237-
A man is sitting in an airplane which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. He then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy."
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the aisle and the seat.
The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What the hell is going on with this stupid dog?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb.."
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A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they reprimand, "why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little fucker has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
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This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.
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A Cat’s Guide to Humans
1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:
They Have Opposable Thumbs.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves.
True, chimps, orang utans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
2. How And When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want: Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.
3. Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU.
Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.
* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently
disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals
(birds, rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.
5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
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A man goes in bar. A mouse jumps out of his pocket.
Bartender says, "nice mouse!"
The man says, "No ordinary mouse though, this little feller talks!"
The Bartender says "oh yeah, what about?"
The man says, "See that woman at the end of the bar, the mouse will tell me what colour panties she has on."
Bartender says "really? This I gotta see."
The man points to woman says to mouse; "Mouse: woman!"
Mouse runs down sees woman's panties from the floor and comes back and says "pink."
"Wow, the bartender says. will he do that for me?"
The man says "Sure."
The bartender sees a woman sitting at a table, points to her, says "Mouse: woman!"
Mouse runs out, comes tearing back, bounces off the bar into the bartender's pocket shaking like a leaf.
The bartender says "What's wrong with you?"
Mouse says "I taught I taw a puddy tat!"
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Wrapping Presents (With a Cat)
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.
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A GOOD CAT'S RESOLUTION
My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
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Elsie the Cow and Ferdinand the Bull were on either side of a fence.
Elsie the Cow gave him a wink and he leaped over the fence to her side.
"Aren't you Ferdinand the Bull?" she asked.
"Just call me Ferdinand. The fence was a lot higher than I thought."
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There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest on his way back from the market. The weather was very hot and so he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.
A few hours later, he was woken up by some sounds. The next thing he realised was that all his hats was gone. He heard some monkeys
in the tree and he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats.
The hat-seller sits down and think of how he can get the hats down. He thinks and thinks and starts scratching his head. The next moment, he
realised that the monkeys were doing the same.
Next, he took off his own hat and saw the monkeys do exactly the same. An idea came to
him, he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too.
So he finally managed to get all his hats back. If you think you have read this before....., read on!!!
Fifty years later, his grandson, Jack, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather.
One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest, it was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. He woke up and
realised that all his hats were gone. He looked up and saw that the monkeys had taken all the hats. He remembered his grandfather's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys
followed.
He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, JACK threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still
held on to all the hats.
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said "You think you're
the only one with a grandfather?".
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Mike was walking past a pet shop one day and noticed a parrot in a cage hanging outside. As he approached, the parrot said, "Hello. What's your name?" "Mike," responded the young man. Several days later, Mike again approached the pet shop. "Hello, Mike." said the parrot. Mike was amazed, and decided to go inside and buy the bird. The clerk told him the parrot was not for sale. "I really want that parrot," said Mike. "Name your own price." The clerk saw an opportunity to make some money, so he told Mike, "I can't sell Polly because she belongs to the owner. But I can get you some of her eggs. They're $100 each, and you'll have to come back after hours so I can sneak them out to you." Mike orders
1/2 dozen eggs and agrees to come back later that night. The clerk decides to gather a mixture of different eggs to increase the
likelihood of having some of them hatch, and when Mike comes back that night - he sells him the 6 eggs. A couple weeks later the eggs hatch - but instead of parrots, Mike has a baby chicken, turkey, duck, goose, owl, and a robin. The following week he once again approaches the pet shop. "Hello, Mike," says the parrot. "Don't you talk to me, you slut." responds Mike. "You'd sleep with anything."
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Dog Haiku
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be.
Today I sniffed
Many dog butts--I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paperboy--come to kill us all--
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Garbage man--come to kill us all--
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush . Hello, Spot-
Sniff this and weep.
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.
I Hate my choke chain.
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot--no greater bliss--well,
Maybe catching rats.
Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do.
The cat is not all
Bad--she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.
Dig under fence--why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
You may call them fleas,
But they are far more--I call
Them a vocation.
My owners' mood is
Romantic--I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.
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Pet Rules: Memo to the Family Dog and Cat
When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.
Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.
Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.
Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.
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A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to:
"Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said: "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonely here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said: "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said: "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said: "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said: "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well..."
And God said: "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.
And Cat just didn't give a shit - one way or the other!
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This guy was lonely and he decided life would be more fun if
he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and started shouting, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?!"
A little voice came out of the box -
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my fucking shoes."
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There was an elephant a snake and a gorilla in the jungle, the snake said "Shall we have a game of snooker?"
The elephant replied "How can we play snooker when we haven't got a table."
So the snake said "We can pretend, instead of hitting the ball, we'll each do a trick, whoever does the best trick will get the most points."
The gorilla said "OK I'll go first, I'll climb up that tree swing around that branch 3 times do a double somersault and land on my feet, that's got to be worth the black ball and that's 7 points."
The elephant said "No it's not worth 7 points because you're good at climbing trees, we'll give you the blue and that's worth 5 points."
The gorilla said "OK" and off he went up the tree, he swung round the branch 3 times did a double somersault and landed on his feet.
The elephant said "I'll climb up the tree swing around the branch twice do a single somersault and land on my feet, that's got to be worth 7 points because I can't climb trees very well."
So the snake and the gorilla said " ok if you can do that we'll give you 7 points."
The elephant went up the tree swung round the branch twice did the somersault and landed on his feet with an almighty bang. The snake said "that was brilliant,"
"So what are you going to do snake" the gorilla asked.
"Well, I'll go up the elephants bum through his intestine and out of his trunk, that's got to be worth 7 points" said the snake.
The gorilla said " if you can do that we'll give you 7 points." so off went the snake up the elephants bum.
The gorilla got hold of the elephants trunk and stuck it up his bum and said "that's got him Snookered!"
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Two flies found a fresh juicy warm piece of a cow dung and
sat there for lunch.
A third fly came, set by them and suddenly farted.
Man! shouted one of the flies Where’re your bloody manners? Can’t you see we’re eating?
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A cow walks in the forest when she sees a coconut tree. She climbed the tree and rests on a branch.
A monkey saw her and asked her:” Hey, cow, what are you doing on the tree?”
The cow answered:” I’m eating oranges”
The monkey said: “But this is a coconut tree”
The cow answered: “I know that, you idiot, I’ve brought some from home”
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A Bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
Bear says "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear".
Lion says " if I roar the entire desert is afraid of me"
Chicken says "Big fucking Deal. I only have to cough and the entire planet shits itself.
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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde "Essex" woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains: "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says: "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What's in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says... "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
256-
Dear Potential Investor: I know you are always looking for sound opportunities for investment.
I don't know if you would be interested in this, but I thought I would mention it to you because it could be a real "sleeper" in making a lot of money with very little investment.
A group of us are considering investing in a large cat ranch near Hermosille, Mexico. It is our purpose to start rather small, with about one million cats. Each cat averages about twelve kittens each year; skins can be sold for about
20 cents for the white ones and up to 40 cents for the black. This will give us 12 million cat skins per year to sell at an average price of around 32 cents, making our revenues about $3 million a year. This really averages out to $10 thousand a day - excluding Sundays and holidays.
A good Mexican cat man can skin about 50 cats per day at a wage of $3.15 a day. It will only take
663 men to operate the ranch so the net profit would be over $8,200 per day.
Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively. Rats multiply four times as fast as cats. We would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat farm. If we start with a million rats, we will have four rats per cat each day. The rats will be fed on the carcasses of the cats that we skin. This will give each rat a quarter of a cat. You can see by this that this business is a clean operation -- self- supporting and really automatic throughout. The cats will eat the rats and the rats will eat the cats and we will get the skins.
Let me know if you are interested; as you can imagine, I am rather particular who I want to get into this, and want the fewest investors possible.
Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with snakes, for they will skin themselves twice a year! This would save the
labour costs of skinning as well as give me two skins for one cat.
May I hear from you at your earliest opportunity?
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Sidney attends a lecture on the subject of: -
“Hunger or Sex, which instinct is the stronger?”
The lecturer describes to the audience of a series of tests he had conducted to find a scientific answer. "For my tests," he says, "I used one healthy male and one healthy female chimpanzee. Before each test, I kept them apart so they could not see or hear each other. I also starved the male of both food and sex for a week.
For my 1st test, I put a bowl of food in the middle of my lab and then placed the male in one corner and the female in the opposite corner. The male looked at the female, then looked at the food, then rushed to the bowl of food and devoured it. So, ladies and gentlemen, it looked like hunger prevailed over the sexual instincts of the male.
But as a true scientist, I did a 2nd test to see whether the earth’s magnetic field had influenced the outcome. Again I kept the apes separate, starved the male and put the bowl of food in the middle of the lab. Then I put the male in the Southwest corner and the female facing him in the Northeast corner. The male immediately looked at the female, then at the food, then rushed to the bowl of food and devoured it. So once again the male preferred food to sex.
But I wanted to be absolutely sure of the results so I carried out a 3rd test, this time placing the male much closer to the female than to the food. The result was the same. The male looked at the female, then at the food, then rushed to the bowl of food and devoured it.
So, ladies and gentlemen, I can say with some confidence that hunger is a much stronger drive than sexual instincts in the male animal. Thank you."
After the applause has died down, Sidney stands up and says aloud, "I have a question for you, mister lecturer. Have you tried doing the experiments with a different female ape?"
258-
What Do They Think of Us?
Dog: "Oh, God, not again. Let's turn the hose on them."
Dog: "Great, there goes the urge to drink out of the toilet."
Cat: "Y'know, if I didn't have a tail, I'd try that."
Dog: "I've heard about that position -- it's called 'human style.'"
Sheep: "It's just a phase. He'll be back."
Dog: "How strange -- why would you want someone else to lick it for you?"
Rabbits: "Amateurs!"
Dog: "Geez, they have to look at each other's *faces* while they're doing that??"
Dog: "Let's hop on and make it a conga line!"
259-
Did you ever notice those signs that read,
NO DOGS ALLOWED EXCEPT FOR SEEING-EYE DOGS!
Who's reading that sign? Does the dog say,
"It's okay; we can go in here."
260-
An Angora rabbit decides he wants good sex, so he goes to one of those houses. There, he asks the keeper a fox, of course for a mate.
"For you, I got this nice little squirrel," says the fox.
"No, better give me a Boa snake," replies the rabbit.
"But a Boa will eat a little Angora rabbit like you alive!" says the fox.
"Never mind, just give me the woman -- I want a big, long, cold Boa snake," answers the rabbit.
So he is taken to this incredible Boa female. Seeing the little rabbit, the snake swallows it in a second. But, because it's an Angora rabbit, the Boa, with its stomach irritated by the fur, spits the little animal out, so powerful, that the rabbit lands two
kilometres away.
In the end, the rabbit slowly gets on his feet, with a huge smile expressing happiness and content on his face, and proudly says to himself: "Oh, boy, what a blow job!"
261-
Ways You Can Tell When Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease.....
~ Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
~ Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.
~ Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
~ She refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on a first date."
~ You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
~ Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Arches Logo'.
~ Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
~ Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
262-
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away So, it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer: "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it," says Roy.
"I thought you packed it." Mick gets worried, he turns to Andy: "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it.
But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace.
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts: "I KNEW IT!...... I'M NOT BLOODY GOING NOW...!"
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Things Cats Must Try To Remember
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.
If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor. Or picking it up with my mouth and shaking it from side to side.
I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
The goldfish likes living in water and doesn't want to come out and play.
If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my balls grow back.
If I must give a present to my human’s overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
Just because I hear voices in my head, I don't have to answer them!
264-
Three guys are in an bar sitting around a log fire with their dogs and get to talkin' about them.
First one says, "My dog is called woodworker. Go woodworker!" The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a beautiful figurine.
Next one says, "My dog is called stoneworker. Go stoneworker!" The dog drags a rock from the fire front and creates a beautiful carving.
Third one says, "My dog is called iron worker." He puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot.
"Now," he says, "I'll just touch him on the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door."
265-
10 things you didn't know about your cat
Cats have more than one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
Cats do not have a collarbone, which allows them to fit through any opening the size of their head.
Their field of vision doesn't extend directly below their nose, that's why it's sometimes hard for cats to find tit-bits on the floor.
Meowing is reserved for humans. A cat will almost never meow at another cat.
A frightened cat can run at speeds of up to 31 mph, slightly faster than a human sprinter.
A group of cats is called a clowder.
Cats do not see themselves as little people but see us as big cats. This influences their behaviour.
Like humans, cats can be either left or right-pawed.
Studies have shown that cats have better memories than dogs. A dog's memory lasts 5 minutes while a cat's memory lasts up to 16 hours!
Cats purr at 26 cycles per second, this is the same pace as an idling diesel engine.
266-
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks.
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A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded. There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again." Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his
flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost!" "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know shit about cars!"
268-
Elephant Stew Recipe
1 medium sized elephant
570 gallon-containers gravy salt and pepper to taste, garlic, lots of carrots, lots of
onions, 2 rabbits (optional)
Cut elephant in small bite size pieces. This will take about two months. Reserve the trunk, you will need something to store pieces in. Add enough brown gravy to cover. Cook over kerosene fire for about four weeks at 465 degrees. This will serve about 3,800 people. If more are expected, the two rabbits may be added. Do this only if necessary, as most people do not like to find hare in their stew.
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A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went. She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday nights. Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor, the parrot would yell, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water let the muthafukkah burn! Burn muthafukkah burn!" The crowd on the dance floor would always cheer and holler in appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild. This would go on all night long,
every time the parrot went out. One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir stand with her. And when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water let the muthafukkah burn! Burn muthafukkah burn!" She embarrassingly corrected the parrot, "No, you don't say that here!!" The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same muthafukkahs that was at the club last night!!!
270-
Q. What do you get if you cross a pit bull with Lassie?
A. A dog that chews your leg off, then fetches the doctor.
271-
Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
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A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a Master Chief Petty Officer from the local Naval Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line service monkey, please." The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Chief, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The Chief paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah that was a line service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all Naval aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes. He is also trained in all carrier flight deck ops. He's well worth the money."
With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive! What can it do?" "Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". Holy crap! What does this one do?" "Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with his pecker, but his papers say he's a pilot."
273-
In the Blue Ridge Mountains, there was a retired sailor who was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of "Chief" Three Admirals went-up into the mountains and wanted to rent him. The old sailor said good hunting dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They agreed and three days later came back with the limit.
The next year they came back. "Chief" got better, gonna cost you $75.00 a day," again they agreed, and 2 days later they came back with the limit.
The third year they came back and told the old sailor they had to have "Chief" even if it cost $100.00 a day.
"You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00."
But we don't understand, what happen to him?
Well a crew from the Navy base in Norfolk came up and rented him. One of the idiots called him Master Chief , and he's just been sitting on his ass barkin' ever since.
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My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection.
As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."
"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.
Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react
Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.
As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
275-
Three female cats were bragging about their kittens.
The first cat said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian cat." The third cat said nothing. The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure
bred Siamese."
The third cat said still said nothing. Then the first two cats asked her, "What are your kittens?"
She replied, "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time."
276-
Q: There are two fleas on a pussy. One is smoking dope; what's the other one doing?
A: Sniffing crack
277-
Eagles mate for life, so this near-sighted eagle goes out to look for a mate. He finds a Dove. They go back to his nest and they make love. It was fantastic
sex. but all night long this dove says "I'm a dove, let's make love. I'm a dove, let's make love." Well the eagle just can't take this for the rest of his life so next morning he kicks her out of his nest. Then on for the quest of another mate. He runs into a wren. He takes her back to his nest and makes love to her. Again fantastic sex but all night long this wren says "I'm a wren let's do it again. I'm a wren let's do it again." Well the eagle is getting really irritated so next morning he kicks her out of the nest.......Being very cautious (he thinks) he goes out to look for another mate.....He finds the perfect mate:::::a Duck. So again he takes her to his nest and makes love to her. You'll never guess what this duck said all night long..
"I'm a drake you made a mistake. I'm a drake you made a mistake"
278-
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from College. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull Elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its Foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern Look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments, Mbembe stood froze thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty Years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
279-
WHY A DOG CAN'T USE COMPUTERS
~ He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
~ SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
~ Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
~ Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
~ He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail."
~ The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
~ He can't stick his head out of Windows XP.
280-
What do you get if you cross a chicken and a bell?
A bird that can ring its own neck
281-
Wrapping presents with dogs
Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.
Get tape back from puppy.
Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.
Open box.
Take puppy out of box.
Remove tape from older dog's mouth.
Take scissors away from puppy.
Put present in box.
Remove present from puppy's mouth.
Put back in box after removing puppy from box.
Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.
Remove puppy from box and put on lid.
Take tape away from older dog.
Unroll paper.
Take puppy OFF box.
Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is getting in the way as he "helps."
Let puppy tear remaining paper.
Take puppy off box.
Wrap paper around box.
Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from its mouth.
Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.
Take scissors away from puppy.
Take tape older dog is holding.
Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog & sitting on them again.
Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot.
Take bow from older dog.
Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.
Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.
Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.
Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on to hold the paper on.
Take now soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks.
Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries to eat pen.
Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away.
Clean up mess puppy & older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper.
Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good helpers they are.
282-
While
travelling thru the Appalachians, a circus lost one of its elephants. The elephant wound up grazing in a hillbilly garden and the owner spied him. Not recognizing the type of beast it was the backwoodsman phoned the Sheriff. The Sheriff asked the man what the animal looked like to which he replied, "Well, he's big and
grey and has a tail on both ends." The Sheriff then asked what the animal was doing. The backwoodsman replied, "He's standing in my garden pulling cornstalks up with his tail." The Sheriff then asked what's he doing with the cornstalks? The backwoodsman said," Sheriff, if I told you ,you wouldn't believe me!
283-
The Creation of Dogs ...
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
284-
A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has in training. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.
The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.
The race begins and the horse is 30 lengths behind the pack after only half a furlong! He gives the horse an great backhand on the rump.
Nothing.
He then gives him a series of sharp slaps on the shoulder.
Nothing.
He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.
The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Will you stop it with that whip! I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver the milk"
285-
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini.
Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. I'll tell you something, buddy. At these fuckin' prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
286-
Super Powers Most Coveted by Dogs
Invisibath -- The power to disappear at the first sound of bath water
ViceHump -- The leg hump grip of steel
AquaField -- Immunity to bucket of cold water when copulating in driveway
Skeetvision -- The ability to shoot laser beams from your eyes to blast that damn Frisbee out of the sky
SuperBladder, loaded with Toxi-Urine -- One lift of the leg and this town is mine!
SquirrelFreeze AnalTelepathy/ButtSniffery -- Two powers which when combined allow one to smell another dog's butt without actually having to get up and move around.
John-O-Matic -- Turns any toilet bowl into a crystal punch bowl by sheer force of will.
ChuckSpeed -- Ability to catch that friggin' Wagon Train
AntiPsych-Out -- Immunity to all that "fake throw" bullshit!!
VacuCalm -- Utter self control whenever the vacuum cleaner is turned on.
GucciTract -- An invincible digestive system that sustains itself entirely on designer shoes.
King Fido's Touch -- Everything you touch turns into a milkbone.
DoberMorph -- Ability to change into a Doberman anytime someone rolls up a newspaper
287-
Bloke walks into a bar with an elephant. "This elephant will do anything," he announces proudly.
"All right," says the barman. "Make it stand on one leg."
So the bloke lifts the elephant's ear up and whispers something to the elephant. Moments later the great grey beast lifts itself up onto its hind legs then carefully balances itself up on one leg. The crowd in the bar go wild with enthusiastic cheering.
"Very clever," says the barman. "Now lets see it fuck my cat." And so saying, he plonks the genial bar cat onto the bar.
The bloke with the elephant thinks a moment then takes the cat and places it on the floor in front of the elephant (who is still poised Bolshoi like on one leg). He gets up on tip toe and whispers something in the elephant's ear. As silence descends on the drinkers in the bar, the man steps back and the elephant teeters over and comes crashing down, splattering Tiddles across the floor.
"There you go," says the bloke. "That's fucked it."
288-
Subject: Pet Rules
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - snout height.
Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
289-
Your Cat's New Year’s Resolutions
My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.
I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.
If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if it isn't as tasty.
290-
Mother rabbit hops out of the burrow and tastes a turnip. She says to Father rabbit "that turnip tastes pithy". Father rabbit tries it and says, "You're right, it does taste pithy". Baby rabbit pops out of the burrow at that point and says "That's because I just pithed on it".
291-
A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a Master Chief Petty Officer from the local Naval Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line service monkey, please."
The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey.
He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Chief, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The Chief paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that was a line service monkey.
He can park, fuel, and service all Naval aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes. He is also trained in all carrier flight deck ops. He's well worth the money."
With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive! What can it do?" "Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey.
She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork.
A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". Holy crap! What does this one do?"
"Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his pecker, but his papers say he's a pilot."
292-
Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant.
"I'd like a pint of canary-coloured paint," he says.
"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"
"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."
"Well, you can't do that, Man!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"
"No, they won't," Jim replies.
"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."
"You're on!" says Jim.
Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten bucks on the counter in front of the clerk.
"So the paint killed your bird?"
"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
293-
A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother,
"Mum am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fucking freezing.
294-
It's 2 in the morning and the travelling salesman calls the front desk at his motel and asks for some female company but with certain physical characteristics.
"She's got to be taller than 6 ft. and weigh no more than 100 lbs.," he tells the desk clerk. 30 minutes later, there's a knock on his door and he opens it to see a tall, lithe young lady.
"I'm here for your pleasure, sir," she says.
"What do you weigh and how tall are you?"
She replies, "6'2 and 97 lbs."
"Perfect," he says. "Now take off all your clothes and get down on all fours on the floor."
As she does this, he walks to the bathroom door, opens it and ushers in a big St. Bernard dog.
The dog looks at the girl and the girl looks at the dog and the salesman says, "Now Fritz, do you see what you're going to look like if you don't finish your dinner?"
295-
Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall. Like dogs do, it raised its leg and started to do his thing.
The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and relieved himself.
One guy says to the other, "Wow, how did you teach him to pee like that?"
The second man replies, "I didn't teach him. He's done it ever since the wall fell on him!"
296-
Two desert travellers rented a Camel from Hertz Rent-a-Camel. Out in the middle of the desert the camel stopped and laid down. The chaps could not get it to arise no matter what they tried. They stopped a passing Caravan and asked the leader to send out a camel mechanic when they got to the nearest village. A few hours later the Mechanic arrived. He looked in the Camel's mouth, ears, and up its rectum. He went to his tool bag and pulled out a large rubber headed sledge hammer. He raised this high in the air and brought it down on the Camel's belly, as hard as he could. Well, that camel let a fart you could hear and smell as far away as 17 sand dunes. It then struggled to its feet. "Ah ha!" the Mechanic said. "Just as I thought! vapour locked!"
297-
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
298-
Keli's kitty isn't feeling well - a bad case of constipation. She takes it to the vet, who gives her a new kind of laxative. "Give her about six teaspoons of this, and she'll be better in no time."
Keli does as she's told and returns a week later. The vet asks,
"Well, how's your cat doing?"
"I'm not sure. The last time I saw her, she was heading toward the north end of town with ten other cats. Five were digging, three were covering, and two were scouting for new territory."
299-
Two caterpillars were sitting on a leaf when a butterfly flew past.
One caterpillar turned to the other and said, "You will never get me up in one of those fuckin' things!!"
300-
Joe buys a parrot, and the first night he has it, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"
After he takes her home, he says to the parrot, "You pull that shit again, I'll slash your throat and throw you in the toilet."
The next night, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"
Joe grabs the parrot, slashes his throat, and throws him in the toilet. He goes back to the girl and it turns out she's having her period, so she excuses herself to go yank out her tampon.
She's sitting on the bowl after she yanks it out, when she hears, I'm gonna live! I'm gonna live!"
She says, "What do you mean, 'You're gonna live'?"
The parrot points to her bloody snatch and says, "If you can live with a gash like THAT, I can live with a gash like This!"
301-
An Angora rabbit decides he wants good sex, so he goes to one of those houses. There, he asks the keeper, a fox of course, for a mate. "For you, I got this nice little squirrel," says the fox. "No, better give me a Boa snake," replies the rabbit. "But a Boa will eat a little Angora rabbit like you alive!" says the fox. "Never mind, just give me the woman -- I want a big, long, cold Boa snake," answers the rabbit. So he is taken to this incredible Boa female. Seeing the little rabbit, the snake swallows it in a second. But, because it's an Angora rabbit, the Boa, with its stomach irritated by the fur, spits the little animal out, so powerful, that the rabbit lands two kilometres away. In the end, the rabbit slowly gets on his feet, with a huge smile expressing happiness and content on his face, and proudly says to himself: "Oh, boy, what a blow job!"
302-
Once upon a time there was a little yellow toad crying in the forest. The Good Witch came along and asked the little yellow toad, "Why are you crying, my friend?"
The little yellow toad said, "All my friends are green and I'm yellow. I want to be green like all my friends... sniff, sniff."
The Good Witch replied, "No problem!"
And she tapped the little yellow toad with her magic wand and the little yellow toad turned green... all except his private parts, which remained yellow.
"Oh no!!" exclaimed the little toad, "I can't go through life all green except for my private parts! You have to make me green all over!"
The Good Witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the Wizard!"
So, off the little toad went to see the Wizard.
The Good Witch continued on into the forest where she came upon a little brown squirrel crying very hard.
"Why are you crying, little brown squirrel?" the Good Witch asked.
"Because," said the little brown squirrel, "all my friends are red and I want to be red, too...sniff, sniff."
"No problem!" said the Good Witch.
And she tapped the little brown squirrel and turned him red... all except his private parts, which remained brown.
"Oh, no!!" exclaimed the little squirrel, "I can't go through life all red except my private parts! You have to make me red all over!"
But the Good Witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the Wizard!"
But the little squirrel started crying harder and said, "But I'm new around here! I don't know the Wizard! How will I find him??"
And the Good Witch said, "Oh, that's easy! Just follow the yellow dick toad...."
303-
A group of bats is hanging around, upside down, as usual, mostly sleeping. Suddenly one notices that Charlie is on the floor, standing upright and looking around.
"Hey, Charlie," he calls out. "What are you doing down there?"
Charlie looks up and says, "Yoga!"
304-
Study at the Oregon Health and Science University shows that 8% of sheep are gay, and 73% of those prefer farmers.
305-
Animal takes on human sex
Dog: "Oh, God, not again. Let's turn the hose on them."
Dog: "Great, there goes the urge to drink out of the toilet."
Cat: "Y'know, if I didn't have a tail, I'd try that."
Dog: "I've heard about that position -- it's called 'human style.'"
Sheep: "It's just a phase. He'll be back."
Dog: "How strange -- why would you want someone else to lick it for you?"
Rabbits: "Amateurs!"
Dog: "Geez, they have to look at each other's *faces* while they're doing that??"
Dog: "Let's hop on and make it a conga line!"
306-
Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila arguing about how tough they are.
The first mouse says, "I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison."
He slams down his tequila and looks at the second mouse.
The second mouse replies, "That's nothing. I'm so tough I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back & bench-press the killer springed trapwire."
He slams down his tequila and looks at the third mouse.
The third mouse slams down his tequila, slides off his stool and begins walking away from the bar.
The other mice scream, "Oi! Softy!, where do you think you're going?!
The third mouse replies, "Home to shag the cat."
307-
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
6:00 am ? At last! I Go Pee! My favourite thing!
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
6:00 pm - They're home! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
308-
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe - for now
309-
Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.
"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep."
"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars."
"Had to," he replied, "Caught him using marked cards!"
310-
A horse showed up at a baseball training camp and asked for a tryout. The manager was shocked! Not only was this a talking horse, but he wanted to play baseball. So he put the horse in the outfield, where the horse caught all the balls hit to him.
In the infield, he always made the right play. When it came time to bat in a game, the horse hit a long line drive between the outfielders. But then the horse just stood at the plate.
"Run!" the manager shouted. "Run!"
The horse turned to the manager and said, "If I could run, I'd be at the race track."
311-
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have that monkey please". The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000".
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did he cost SO much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in 'C' very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does he do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; he can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java.
All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of his own. The price tag around his neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does he do?"
The shopkeeper shrugged and said, "Well, to tell you the truth, I haven't actually seen him do anything, but he says he's a SAP consultant."
312-
A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the
biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.
"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.
"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even
larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.
"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."
"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."
The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his ass. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.
"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.
The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed.
"This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass!"
"I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
313-
A young lady, visiting the London zoo, asked the keeper where the monkeys were.
Keeper: "They're in the back, having sex."
Young lady: "Would they come out for some peanuts?"
Keeper: "I don't know. Would you?
314-
Sheep are better than...
You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
Nuttin' beats mutton!
Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.
Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.
Sheep never ask about your former lovers, and then get pissed off when you tell them.
No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe.
Sheep are never concerned about their reputation.
Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up.
Sheep won't ask if you're gay when you can't get it up for the second time.
Sheep never insist on eating out.
You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Brad Pitt.
Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late
Sheep don't smell like tuna fish.
Sheep don't get moody once a month.
You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your teeth.
A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of her life after one roll in the hay.
A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed.
A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon.
A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car.
A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains.
A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay... and pay.
A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup.
A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy.
A sheep won't care if you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator.
316-
Elephants
Q: Where do you find elephants?
A: It depends on where you lost them.
Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
A: Because the white ones get dirty too fast.
Q: Why do elephants live in herds?
A: To get a wholesale reduction on the blue tennis shoes.
Q: Why do elephants float on their backs?
A: So they don't get their tennis shoes wet.
Q: What goes clomp, clomp, clomp, squish ,clomp, clomp, clomp, swish..?
A: An elephant with a wet tennis shoe!
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a taxi?
A: Four. (One next to the driver and 3 in back)
Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a taxi?
A: None, it's full of elephants.
Q: How do you know when an elephant is visiting your house?
A: There's a taxi outside with three elephants in it.
Q: How do you put an elephant into refrigerator?
A: Open door, put elephant in, close door.
Q: How do you put a giraffe into refrigerator?
A: Open door, get elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: Fridge is not large enough to hold them all.
Q: How do elephants get up into oak trees?
A: They sit on an acorn and wait.
Q: How do elephants get down from oak trees?
A: They sit on a leaf and wait for autumn.
Q: Why are crocodiles long, thin, and flat?
A: They walk under trees in Autumn.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From jumping out of oak trees - they're impatient!
Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
A: To soften their landing when they jump out of oak trees.
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants do their parachute jumping.
Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
Q: Why do elephants have cracks between their toes?
A: For carrying their library cards.
Q: Why do elephants have cracks between their toes?
A: To give the ants/natives a 50/50 chance.
317-
Man takes his dog into a
pub. Landlord says "what breed is it" man replies "its a mongrel".
"Never" says the landlord "that dog is beautiful" with that the dog jumps up at the bar and the man shouts "DOWN SYNDROME!"
318-
Cats have nine lives?
Makes them ideal for experiments!
319-
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential
colours.
One day, they heard, "Yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those
colours perfectly matched the colours of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished. One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird.
At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"
320-
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total
silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.
As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.
"Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road
And the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked,
"What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost!"
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say?
Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know shit about cars!"
321-
I got stung by a bee on my way home from work today...
40 quid for a jar of honey
322-
Animals need more than just TLC to thrive. Here are some tips to help keep your pet healthy and happy for years to come:
When going on vacation, be sure to leave cans of dog food and a can opener where your dog can easily reach them.
If you love your cat, change your first name to Meow legally, and then train your cat to call you by name. Cool at parties.
Take your snake outside regularly. If not, no one will know you're one of those freaky snake people.
If your dog or cat starts wearing pointy, '50s-era women's eye-glasses, contact cartoonist Gary Larson immediately.
Owning a colourful cockatiel or mynah bird is a great way to make you wake up one morning, slap yourself on the forehead, and say, "Holy shit! I'm really gay!"
Most tropical fish are dead when they are upside-down and motionless at the top of the tank....remove after two weeks.
Many people consider their pets just as important a part of the family as its human members. This is normal. Just don't tell your spouse.
If you have a pot-bellied pig, with yellowish eyes at home ...best you check the pig's religious affiliation before considering marriage.
Unless you constantly reassure your dog that he is a good dog, he will likely grow depressed and eventually require sharing your anti-depressants.
When choosing a pet, remember she may be soft and cute, but Penthouse pet Julie Strain is extremely expensive and high-maintenance.
Pet rabbits often benefit from a glass of white wine and light breading in a rosemary butter sauce.
Animals should always be stroked horizontally. Never try to go across the under belly of the pet....without parental permission
By blinding your dog, you may technically be able to get it into stores and restaurants.
Your Rottweiler or pit bull won't turn on you and kill you someday if you train it properly. Honest. Put it out of your mind, it's a longshot.
If your puppies and kittens tend to grow bigger and less cute, consider a constrictive nylon mesh suit to maintain ideal size.
Most kittens can withstand impacts of up to 25 mph, but there's no way to be sure without extensive testing.
Getting your kids a boa constrictor and a dozen rats is a great way to teach them that the animal kingdom is not something that exists just for their amusement.
Old people enjoy pets. Get your pet one.
Seven out of ten people polled believe that giving a skunk as a wedding gift is de classe.
Most dogs in the White House adopt a President for photo shoots, best if the President is house-broken first.
323-
Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard to Protect ...
NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry....Eat a shoe.
324-
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and out number them?"
325-
What do get if you cross a hen with a banjo ?
A chicken that plucks itself
326-
I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant!
327-
A young woman goes out drinking one night, something that she normally doesn't do, and she gets really plastered!
The next morning she rolls over and discovers there is an elephant in bed with her!
She looks at the elephant and says, "Oh no, I must have been really tight last night!"
The elephant looks at her and waves his trunk a little and says, "Only the first time."
328-
What's the most popular name for a dog in China?
Starters
329-
What has lots of balls and fucks rabbits
A 12-bore
330-
If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.!
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .. run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
331-
TOP 12 NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS MADE BY PETS
12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds. 6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.
5. Always scoot before licking.
4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.
332-
One morning, the papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."
As the baby mole repeatedly tried to stick his head out of the hole to get a whiff, he became frustrated because the two bigger moles were in the way. Unable to take it any longer, the baby mole mumbled,
"The only thing I can smell is molasses."
333-
Farmer Giles goes to the vet and tells him his horse is constipated. The vet hands him a bottle of pills and a tube,
saying, "Take one of these pills, put it in the tube and stick the other end in your horse's anus. Then blow the pill up into its rectum."
Farmer Giles goes off but returns the following day looking very ill.
"What happened?" asks the vet
"It was that pill," says Farmer Giles. "I did what you said but that bastard horse blew first"
334-
A man goes to the cinema and takes his seat for the movie. He is sitting to a woman and her
dog. Throughout the movie the dog laughs at the funny bits, cries at the sad bits and jumps at the scary bits.
"Wow," said the man, "Love, your dog is amazing. The way he reacts to the film, he loves it."
"I'm surprised as well," replies the woman, "he hated the book."
335-
One day a mouse was walking on the banks of a river that ran through the jungle. He saw a hippopotamus in the water and shouted to the hippopotamus, "Hey you, git the hell out of the water and onto this bank -- and do it NOW." The Hippopotamus lumbered onto the bank as requested. The mouse then said, "OK, you can get back in the water now." The mouse continued walking along the bank until he came upon a lion having a little dip in the river. The mouse shouted across to the lion, "Hey you, git your ass up here, on this bank now!" The lion was a little concerned about this jumped up mouse, giving *him* orders but he complied and climbed up onto the bank. The mouse then said, "OK, you can get back into the water now." The lion shrugged and returned to the river. The mouse continued his trip along the banks of the river until he came across an elephant having a good old soak. The mouse shouted to the elephant. "Hey you, Miss Elephant, Bring yer ass over to me... up here and do it NOW!" The elephant lumbered out the water and was then told by the mouse to return to the water. The elephant however was a little bit annoyed about having her soak disturbed so she said to the mouse, "What is going on? I've just seen you call the hippopotamus, the lion and now me out of the water, why are you doing this?" The mouse replied, "When I find out who stole my bikini, I will kill her!"
336-
I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.
Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up. Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle, at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.
I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a car that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close.
This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there! Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness, all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway. I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on
my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that
"edge" so frequently required when riding.
Little did I suspect, as I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in
his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for,"Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly he set upon me.
If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing. I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have.
The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an evil attack squirrel of death! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in... well, I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle--- my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however. The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.
Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand. I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked. Sort of. Spectacularly sort of, so to speak.
Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car. I heard screams. They weren't mine.
I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser. So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing.
The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.
As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80 mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death... I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time. And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.
337-
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
O. K., that's enough of that B. S. ... The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the shit out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the shit out of them too for helping.
The REAL Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.
338-
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder. The bartender says "you can't bring that in here!"
The guy says "Why not? He's a pet. Plus I'll bet you a drink he can play any instrument in here."
The bartender says, "okay, here's a trombone, I'll bet a drink he can't play it."
The octopus picks it up and starts playing a tune. The bartender is a little upset and pulls out a clarinet and says, "I bet another drink he can't play this."
The guy says okay and the octopus picks up the clarinet and starts playing away on it.
By now the bartender is really upset. He's had to give the guy 2 free drinks already. Then he remembers he has an old set of bagpipes in the back. He tells the guy, "I'll bet you one more drink he can't play something else I have," and throws out the bagpipes.
The octopus takes one look at the set of bagpipes and starts swarming all over it, pulling on the pipes and squeezing the bag. The bartender laughs and says, "I guess I win."
The guy says, "just give him a minute. As soon as he realizes he can't screw it... he'll play it."
339-
A redneck walks down to his favourite bar, ties his dog to a tree outside and goes in to have a beer.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
The redneck said it was his.
"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.
The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."
The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said the redneck. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."
340-
My cat gave birth the other day. Today we watched the kittens climb out of their box for the first time. You should've seen the looks on their little faces - it was like "Why the fuck am I in the middle of a lake?"
341-
What is the most stupid animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.
342-
Elsie the Cow and Ferdinand the Bull were on either side of a fence. Elsie the Cow gave him a wink and he leaped over the fence to her side.
"Aren't you Ferdinand the Bull?" she asked.
"Just call me Ferdinand. The fence was a lot higher than I thought."
343-
I'm having some problems with my new Staffordshire Bull Terrier- I rang the vet for some advice.
I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason.
The vet replied " Muzzle 'im? "
No, I said- I think he's an atheist.
344-
Dog Logic
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney
Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love & always have to mix love & hate.
-Anonymous
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
-Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret
345-
What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pitbull humping your leg?
You let the pit bull finish.
346-
Two farmers where discussing who had the meanest dog. One who had a very mean looking Doberman insisted that his was the meanest and that it could lick any other dog in the county. The second just looked at his mangy old yellow dog and said that he would wager his against any dog in the country. Well, after some animated discussion they finally decided to let the dogs fight it out.
After a very short snarling match the old yellow dog leapt on the Doberman and killed it outright. The first farmer was aghast. His dog had been beating other dogs for years and had never had more than a small scratch or two. He turned to the other farmer and asked, "What kind of dog did you say yours is?"
The first farmer replied, "Well before he lost his tail, we called him a Mountain Lion!"
347-
A Suicide Bomber runs into a Pet Shop and yells "You've all got a minute to get out!"
The Tortoise at the back of the shop shouts "You Cunt!"
348-
DOG OWNERS.
Never lose your TV remote control again. Simply sellotape it to the back of your dog, and hey presto! Whistle, and the device is at your beck and call! This can also apply to hot drinks, after intense training.
349-
A PET'S TEN COMMANDMENTS...
1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.
3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.
4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you.
5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.
7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you.
8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.
9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.
10. On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can't bear to watch. Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so. ALWAYS!
350-
A man hates his wife's cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it.
When he gets home it's there.
Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it.
When he gets home it's there.
So the next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it.
One hour later he rings his wife and asks "Is the cat home?"
"Yes, why?" asks his wife.
"Put the cunt on," he says "I'm fucking lost."
351-
I've just been down my garden and was shocked to see my dog fucking a cabbage; silly little bastard must've thought it was a collie.
352-
If I Didn't Have Dogs...
I could walk around the yard barefoot in safety.
My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.
All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of hair.
When the doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like a kennel.
When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through fuzzy bodies who beat me there.
I could sit on the couch and my bed the way I wanted, without taking into consideration how much space several fur bodies would need to get comfortable.
I would have money ... and no guilt to go on a real vacation.
I would not be on a first-name basis with 6 veterinarians, as I put their yet unborn grand kids through college.
The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out, sit, down, come, no, stay, and leave him/her/it ALONE.
My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers.
My house would not look like a day care centre, toys everywhere.
My pockets would not contain things like poop bags, treats and an extra leash.
I would no longer have to Spell the words B-A-L-L, F-R-I-S-B-E- E, W-A-L-K, T-R-E-A-T, B-I-K-E, G-O, R-I-D-E
I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.
I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog/cat ties them down too much .
I'd look forward to spring and the rainy season instead of dreading 'mud' season.
I would not have to answer the question 'Why do you have so many animals?' from people who will never have the joy in their lives of knowing they are loved unconditionally by someone as close to an angel as they will ever get.
How EMPTY my life would be!
353-
A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm.
"Do you sell fishcakes here?" he asks.
"No, sorry," replies the shopkeeper.
"That's a shame, it's his birthday today."
354-
Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,(this is a tough one)
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without adult beverages,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs...
. .then you are probably The Family Dog!
355-
A man inherited a bunch of money & decided that he wanted to visit Egypt to see the old ruins.
He went to Jamal's used camel lot to purchase a camel to ride across the desert, as he had seen in may movies.
Jamal had camels in groups $200.00, $500.00 & $1000.00 camels. "What's the difference" our exploring friend asked? "the length of time they can go without stopping for water" replied Jamal. For example a $1000.00 camel can go a week without a drink.
Not wanting to be stuck in the desert, our hero purchased the most expensive camel on the property.
He loaded up the nest morning & headed out across the burning sands. After only 2 days the camel was nearly stepping on his tongue from thirst.
Returning, in a fury, to Jamal's he complained about the performance of his steed. "Did you brick him" asked Jamal?
"Brick him?"
At that point Jamal took the camel to a water trough. While the camel was drinking he took 2 bricks and smashed the camels testicles between them. The camel drew in a large breath in pain.
"There now he'll go a week!"
356-
My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don't worry, at least he died in comfort.
357-
A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at every bite she took. Finally, she took a small piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him.
"Speak!" she said to the dog.
The dog answered, "Under the circumstances, I hardly know what to say!"
358-
When shops have a sign on the door 'Guide dogs only' who is supposed to read it? The dog?
359-
I nearly hit a cat driving my car today.
Who the fuck taught a cat to drive?
360-
The city boy goes to countryside to visit his uncle. After the sun goes down, the boy hears strange, another-world howling. He gets frightened and runs to his uncle. "Uncle, uncle, there are werewolves!"
"That's rubbish, boy, ain't no such thing".
"'Then, there must be man-eating wolves".
"No, we haven't got those buddies, either."
"What is this sound, then?" the boy asks.
"They are coyotes".
"Coyotes? What are those?"
"They look a lot like dogs. In fact, ya can consider them a kind of dog." The boy wants to find out more: "Why are they making that frightening noise?"
"See, nephew, we ain't got many trees around here. We got cactuses!"
361-
I found out the other day that
apparently cows can be lead upstairs but not down. It's true, it's the way that their joints move, but seriously think of the poor bastard who found that out the hard way?
"Come on Daisy, down these stairs, here we go.."
"Oh no no I can't do that, it's my joints you see, they don't move that way.."
"Never mind your fucking joints, my wife comes home in 5 minutes!"
362-
There is a guy who has a dog that doesn't obey him. Then he sees an ad in the paper for a great dog trainer. So, he decides to go to the dog trainer and get his dog trained.
The guy walks in the room and asks, "Can you train my dog, and are you a good trainer?"
The trainer replies, "Well, I can train your dog, and I will give you a demonstration of how good I am."
He dumped a box full of bones on the floor and blew a whistle.
The first dog came in and made a skeleton with the bones. "Wow!" said the guy, "What kind of dog is that?" "That's a nurse's dog," said the trainer.
Then he blows the whistle again and a second dog comes in the room. That dog makes a big building. The man says, "Wow! What kind of dog is that?" "That's an architect's dog," replies the trainer.
Then the trainer blows the whistle again and a third dog comes in. That dog takes the bones, screws the other two dogs and runs away. "Wow! What kind of dog is that?" says the man. "That's a lawyer's dog!"
363-
A young lady, visiting the London zoo, asked the keeper where the monkeys were.
Keeper: "They're in the back, having sex."
Young lady: "Would they come out for some peanuts?"
Keeper: "I don't know. Would you?
364-
A woman went to the cinema with her dog and on the way out she was stopped by a man. He said to her " I'm sorry to bother you but I noticed that your dog watched the film all the way through, crying at the right times, hiding during the scary bits and laughing during the funny bits. Don't you find that a bit odd?"
"Well yes" said the woman "That is odd. He hated the book."
365-
A young lion was talking to and older lion just before they were to be let into the Roman Forum for the final showdown with the Christians.
"This is the first time for me, I'm not sure what I should do," said the younger lion.
The older lion says, "it's easy: you run up to the Christians and roar as load as you can and take a swipe at them with your paw, just before you eat them!"
"Why all the theatrics?" asks the younger lion. "Shouldn't we just eat them?"
The older lion shakes his head, "NO, it's better to scare the shit out of them first...they taste better that way!"
366-
If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster's feet, what would I have?
Two feet of my cock in your ass.
367-
Stray cat strut
Stray cats will not be fed.
Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
Stray cats will be permitted on furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal rope scratching post with three perches.
Stray cats will sleep outside.
Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
Stray cats will sleep in the house, but not in our bed.
Stray cats will sleep in our bed, but not under the covers.
Stray cats will not play on the desk.
Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is using it.
Stray cats will not CJDJBEFUBEDBVKJB KNCX ZXMNLJN!
368-
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free, having fun and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good, unlike his tasteless food he grew up with. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
369-
Dog Breeds that did not make it:
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekinese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by...oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work with you
Bloodhound + Borzoi
Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
370-
The bee.
Nature's very own suicide bomber.
371-
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
372-
The Dog And God ...
Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?
Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back?
373-
A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can't make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.
Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.
The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, "This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky."
"Yeah," the dog says, "we're really screwed."
"Sparky," the girl says, astonished, "I didn't know you could talk."
"Well," the dog says, "I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you."
374-
Dogs Vs Cats
* Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they're horny.
* Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.
* Cats always land on their feet. Dogs won't even let you throw them.
* Cats will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.
* No one has ever had to "Beware of the Cat."
* Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others'.
* Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch.
* Cats lay on the car in the heat. Dogs in heat lay the car.
* Why do you think they call it "Dog Breath?"
* Garfield. Odie. Enough said.
375-
A traveling salesman was passing through the country side and stopped at a farm asking for some cool water. The old
farmer's wife invited him to sit in the shade of the porch with her and got him some cold lemonade.
They sat and talked for a while when suddenly a hen went running by with a rooster covered in a pair of coveralls chasing her.
The salesman asked, "What in the devil was that?"
The old farmer's wife told him "Well you see, some years ago we had a tornado come through here and hit the hen house. It killed all our chickens except for that rooster, but it plucked every feather off of him. Well I kind of felt sorry for him, seeing how as he did survive a tornado and I knitted him a pair of coveralls."
The salesman said, "Well that is just about the funniest thing I have ever seen."
To which the farmer's wife replied, "You think that's funny, you ought to see that rooster hold a hen down with one leg and try to get those coveralls off with the other."
376-
Little Red Riding Hood was talking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother, when suddenly a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
"Ah-ha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you. And I'm going to eat you!"
"Eat! Eat! Eat!" Little Red Riding Hood said angrily. "Damn it! Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
377-
I bought a sat-nav the other day. What a useless piece of junk. I had it on as I drove around Woburn Safari Park. At one point it said "Now, bear left".
I looked left - It was a monkey having a wank. Looked nothing like a bear.
378-
Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions
My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up, so my humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then bolt right for my litterbox. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti", over my human's bed while they're trying to sleep.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open, when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly, while they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING, after my human has watched the X-Files.
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night, and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.
I will not lie on my human's legs in bed at night, rendering them unable to move or turn over.
I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag
;ln.
379-
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
An Egg
380-
A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate.
A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully.
The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.
381-
Feeling horrible, an alligator goes to the veterinarian. "What seems to be the problem?" the vet asks. "I just don't have the drive I used to, Doc, " the gator says. "Used to be, I could swim underwater for miles and catch any animal I wanted. Now all I can do is let them swim by." Concerned, the vet gives him a through examination and hands him a few pills. "What are these?" the gator asks. "It's a pill very similar to Viagra," the vet answers. "Hold on, I don't have that kind of problem." The alligator protests. "What exactly is wrong with me?" "Well." The vet says, "you have a reptile dysfunction."
382-
Mike was walking past a pet shop one day and noticed a parrot in a cage hanging outside. As he approached, the parrot said, "Hello. What's your name?" "Mike," responded the young man. Several days later, Mike again approached the pet shop. "Hello, Mike." said the parrot. Mike was amazed, and decided to go inside and buy the bird. The clerk told him the parrot was not for sale. "I really want that parrot," said Mike. "Name your own price." The clerk saw an opportunity to make some money, so he told Mike, "I can't sell Polly because she belongs to the owner. But I can get you some of her eggs. They're $100 each, and you'll have to come back after hours so I can sneak them out to you." Mike orders 1/2 dozen eggs and agrees to come back later that night. The clerk decides to gather a mixture of different eggs to increase the
likelihood of having some of them hatch, and when Mike comes back that night - he sells him the 6 eggs. A couple weeks later the eggs hatch - but instead of parrots, Mike has a baby chicken, turkey, duck, goose, owl, and a robin. The following week he once again approaches the pet shop. "Hello, Mike," says the parrot. "Don't you talk to me, you slut." responds Mike. "You'd sleep with anything."
383-
How do you recognize a gefilte fish in the aquarium?
He is the one swimming around with a carrot over his head
384-
The city slicker was spending some time with his country cousins. The first morning the farmer
said, "We need some help today. I'd sure appreciate it if you could take the bull to pasture three to breed with the cow there." The city slicker agreed. Six hours later, he staggered back to the farm house, his clothing all torn and disheveled. The farmer took a look, then
asked, "The bull give you a problem?" "Hell, no. the bull was eager and raring to go." "Then why did it take you all day?" "Because," the city slicker replied, "The cow fought me for hours before she'd roll over on her back."
385-
A blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates.
Only 10% of that actually goes into its mate.
Ever wondered why the sea tasted so salty?
386-
Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing.
"What did you find?" he asks.
"I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see... Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind'".
"And how is it?"
"Not that great. The book was better."
387-
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
388-
PET'S TEN COMMANDMENTS.........
1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.
3 . Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.
4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you.
5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.
7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you.
8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.
9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.
10. On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me pl ease. Never say you can't bear to watch. Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so. Take a moment today to thank God for your pets. Enjoy and take good care of them. Life would be a much duller, less joyful experience without God's critters Now please pass this on to other pet owners. We do not have to wait for Heaven, to be surrounded by hope, love, and joyfulness. It is here on earth and has four legs!
389-
Three golfers had a big golf game with a client in Arizona. They were running late and as luck would have it their car broke down. They found a repair garage nearby. The mechanic told them it would take four hours to fix their car. But he told them" You're in luck. I have a camel that the three of you can ride over to the golf course. This camel is smart. He can read stoplights - he'll stop and go just as the light directs. So the three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs and all and took off.
An hour later the mechanic saw the three of them standing a couple of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight.
"What in the world happened and where's my camel?"
"Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up along side of us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the window and said 'Look at the three nuts on that camel!!'" When we got off to look, the beast took off when the light turned green."
390-
A father shark teaches his kid how to hunt people:
"When you see a human, you approach to about 30ft from him, make sure he sees you and then you swim a couple of circles around him. Then you get closer to about 10ft, and again you swim a few circles around him. Then you come really close to him, even touch him, you wait one minute and then, well, you eat him."
"But why can't I just get him and eat him?" asks the little shark.
"You can do that, too, if you don't mind eating his shit."
391-
Q: What do you get if your donkey bites the legs off of my rooster?
A: Two feet of my cock in your ass.
392-
A man walks into a bar with a salmon under his arm, he asks the barman if they do food.
"Yes mate" he replies.
"I'll have a fishcake then please."
"Sorry pal, we don't do fishcakes."
"That's a shame" Says the fella, "It's his birthday."
393-
I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman...
"Mr Cook?"
"Yes," I replied.
"I'm afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike."
I said, "That's bullshit, 'cause my dog doesn't have a bike!"
394-
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer.
The mother skunk calmly instructed her young, "Quickly, children, let's put our heads together!"
After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now -- let us spray!"
395-
Does Your Dog Own You?
1 You believe every dog is a lap dog.
2 If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
3 You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.
4 You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.
5 You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
6 You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
7 No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).
8 You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.
9 You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.
10 You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.
11 You let the neighbour's dog sleep over.
12 You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
13 Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
14 When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.
15 You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
16 You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.
17 Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.
396-
Joe buys a parrot, and the first night he has it, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"
After he takes her home, he says to the parrot, "You pull that shit again, I'll slash your throat and throw you in the toilet."
The next night, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"
Joe grabs the parrot, slashes his throat, and throws him in the toilet. He goes back to the girl and it turns out she's having her period, so she excuses herself to go yank out her tampon.
She's sitting on the bowl after she yanks it out, when she hears, I'm gonna live! I'm gonna live!"
She says, "What do you mean, 'You're gonna live'?"
The parrot points to her bloody snatch and says, "If you can live with a gash like THAT, I can live with a gash like This!"
397-
A group of bats is hanging around, upside down, as usual, mostly sleeping. Suddenly one notices that Charlie is on the floor, standing upright and looking around.
"Hey, Charlie," he calls out. "What are you doing down there?"
Charlie looks up and says, "Yoga!"
398-
Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall. Like dogs do, it raised it's leg and started to do his thing. The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and relieved himself. One guy says to the other, "Wow, how did you teach him to pee like that?" The second man replies, "I didn't teach him. He's done it ever since the wall fell on him!"
399-
Joe saw his friend Jim looking very upset.
‘What’s the matter Jim?’ asked Joe ‘You look very upset’
‘Upset?’ Said Jim ‘Of course I’m upset, I had to put my dog down yesterday’
‘Was he mad?’
‘Well, he wasn’t bloody pleased!’
400-
A short story ...
The big bad wolf said “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down”.
The little pig said “Fuck off or I’ll sneeze on you”.
401-
Man goes in bar. A mouse jumps out of his pocket. Bartender says, "nice mouse." Man says, "not ordinary mouse. it talks." Bartender says "oh yea, what about?" Man says, "See that woman at the end of the bar, the mouse will tell me what colour panties she has on." Bartender says "really? I gotta see this." Man points to woman says to
mouse; "Mouse: woman!" Mouse runs down sees woman's panties from the floor and comes back and says "pink." "Wow, bartender says. will he do that for me?" Man says "Sure." Bartender sees a woman sitting at a table, points to her, says "Mouse: woman!" Mouse runs out, comes tearing back, bounces off the bar into the bartenders pocket shaking like a leaf. Bartender says "What's wrong with you?" Mouse says "I taught I taw a puddy tat!"
402-
If I could be an animal, I'd be a mongoose called Hugh.
Then I'd be Hughmongoose.
403-
I bought my dog a new 'anti-ageing' dog lead.
He's got a new leash of life.
404-
Two dogs were
walking along the road. One dog stopped and said:
"My name is Fido. What's yours?
The other dog thought for a minute, and then replied:
"I think it's Down Boy."
405-
My pet goldfish was sick, so I decided to take him
to the vet -- but unfortunately, he died on the way there. Maybe I didn't put
enough air holes in the box.
406-
If I had a rooster and you had a
donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
2 ft. of my cock in your ass.
407-
I went to the zoo and a rhino tried to charge me.
I told it to fuck off. I'm not paying twice.
408-
Two small mice were
crouched under a table in the chorus girls' dressing room of a big Broadway
show. "Wow," exclaimed the first mouse, "have you ever seen so many gorgeous
legs in your life?"
"Means nothing to me," said the second. "I'm a titmouse."
409-
A farmer has to go out to plough his rental field about10 miles from his
farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along
beside him. Halfway through the ploughing, the tractor runs out of fuel. He
wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a
Ferrari. The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my
car." The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up." The driver figures
he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip. Just as he is
going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right
beside him. He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he slams on the
brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly. The driver jumps out exclaiming,
"He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that
he's wearing?" The farmer shook his head and said, "That's not a collar, that's
his asshole... he's not used to stopping that fast."
410-
Three elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest
animal in the world was. The first said, "The meanest animal in the world is a
Hippopotamus, cause it's got such big jowls. One bite and your gone." The second
shook his head and said "Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain't nothing meaner than
an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap, one bite, ha, one
swallow, you gone." The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke
and said, " No sir, the meanest animal in the world is a hippagator." The other
two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing
there was no such animal. The gentleman slowly began to explain, " A hippagator
got a hippo head on one end, and an 'gator head on the other". "WAIT"
interrupted the others, "If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit?" The
reply was simply," He don't, that's what makes him so mean"!
411-
A tractor salesman was passing a farm, where the farmer was ploughing the
field with a bull. He goes over and offers to sell the farmer a tractor to
plough with. The farmer tells him "I don't need a tractor, I have three new ones
at the barn"
Well if you have three new tractors at the barn, why are you ploughing this
field with that bull, asked the salesman?
The farmer replied, "This is part of the bull's continuing education, I am
teaching him that there is more to farming than fucking and tearing down fences.
412-
So, earlier today, I was watching one of my family's cats hitting a cord
hanging from our blinds for about 10 minutes or so, and I started thinking
'Jesus, the fucking stupid animal is so damn easily amused'
And then I realized that I'd been staring at a cat playing with a string for ten
minutes.
413-
A horse walks into a
bar.
The barman asks: "Why the long face?"
The horse replies: "It's over, Geoff."
414-
An old man had a
dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved
including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would
lose his aggressions and quit this behaviour.
So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room when
the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right thru the screen
door and attacked the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and
began apologizing to the mailman.
He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told me he
would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do."
The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled, I
knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me."
415-
Went to the zoo
yesterday.
The meerkats didn't look impressed when I asked them about car insurance.
Guess they hear it all the time.
416-
Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local minister
comes walking around the corner.
The minister says, "My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving that sheep a
beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?"
The farmer says, "I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried
to mount her!"
417-
Sam, a business man was driving home after a long sales trip and saw a
hitchhiker with a cow. Sam finally stopped and the hitchhiker approached the
window and said, "Will you give me a ride to Denver sir?"
Sam was amazed and said, "I do not mind, but you will have to leave your cow
here."
"No sir," the hitchhiker said. "I will just tie her to the back of the car, and
I promise you sir, she will not slow you down. I promise."
The businessman was reluctant, but he was dying for company, so he agreed. The
hitchhiker was elated and tied the cow to the back bumper. They started out and
Sam took the car up to 10 miles per hour, he looked in the mirror and the cow
seemed to be trotting along. 20 mph, 30 mph, 40 mph, did not phase the cow. The
hitchhiker looked over to Sam and assured him that that everything was fine; not
to worry.
Sam took the car up to 55 mph and still the cow was looking very comfortable.
Now Sam was getting a little frustrated by this cow who could keep up with his
car. Sam watched the speedometer go 65, 75 and finally 90 mph. Sam looked back
and FINALLY the cow seemed tired "I got you, you son of......" "What is the
matter?" the hitchhiker asked.
"Your cow seems tired, her tongue is sticking out," the business man said.
"Is it sticking out on the left, or the right?" the hitchhiker asked.
"The left side," Sam said with a smile.
"Well," the hitchhiker said, "You better pull over, she is trying to pass you.
418-
Cats were once worshipped as Gods. They haven’t
forgotten...............
419-
What's big, grey and doesn't matter?
An Irr-elephant.
420-
A rather large lady had saved her money for a long time to be able to afford a
cruise on a ship to the Bahamas'.
When she gets settled in her cabin she goes to the dining room for her first
meal on board, and is invited to sit at the Captain's table.
As she is seated at the table a mimicking voice behind her loudly squawks, "Aawwk,
Lady! How's your hole?"
Totally embarrassed, she turns to see a parrot on his perch behind her. She says
to the steward, "Will you "Please" get rid of that foul mouthed beast?"
The steward replies, "I can't madam, that is the Captains parrot, which he
dearly loves."
As the meal progresses to its end the bird continues to harass the lady with his
loud squawks, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your hole?"
The embarrassed woman finally retires to her cabin and goes into a restless
sleep.
In the middle of the night the ship sinks rather suddenly and the lady finds
herself floating in the ocean on a chest. As daylight breaks the next morning
the lady hears this loud squawk behind her, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your Hole?"
The lady turns around to see the parrot floating on some debris and she replies,
"Aah, Shut Up!"
The parrot says, "Aawwk, Mine too! Must be the salt water!"
421-
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica -
where do they go?
Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an
extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as
maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its
life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and
social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial
wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled
into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
422-
There is a guy who has a dog that doesn't obey him. Then he sees an ad in the
paper for a great dog trainer. So, he decides to go to the dog trainer and get
his dog trained.
The guy walks in the room and asks, "Can you train my dog, and are you a good
trainer?"
The trainer replies, "Well, I can train your dog, and I will give you a
demonstration of how good I am."
He dumped a box full of bones on the floor and blew a whistle.
The first dog came in and made a skeleton with the bones. "Wow!" said the guy,
"What kind of dog is that?" "That's a nurse's dog," said the trainer.
Then he blows the whistle again and a second dog comes in the room. That dog
makes a big building. The man says, "Wow! What kind of dog is that?" "That's an
architect's dog," replies the trainer.
Then the trainer blows the whistle again and a third dog comes in. That dog
takes the bones, screws the other two dogs and runs away. "Wow! What kind of dog
is that?" says the man. "That's a lawyer's dog!"
423-
Actual Letter written by a rancher....
I had this idea, that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it
corn for a couple of months, then kill it and eat it...
The first step in this adventure was "getting" a deer. I figured, since they
congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me, (A bold
one will sometimes, come right up and sniff at the bags of feed, while I am in
the back of the truck,... not 4 feet away) it should not be difficult to rope
one, get to it and toss a bag over its head, (to calm it down) then hog tie it
and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end, with my ready rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not
having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, the deer showed up...3 of them. I picked out a
likely-looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my lasso.
The deer just stood there, staring at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end, so I would have a good
hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but I could tell it was mildly
concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step toward it... It took a step away. I put a little tension on the
rope and then received an "education".
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there
looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you
start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED like a rocket!
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger
than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down
with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer... NO chance!
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it
and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started
dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope
was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my
feet and drag me, when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize
this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my
head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to
get that creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go, with the rope hanging around its neck, it would
likely die slowly and painfully, somewhere.
At the time, there was no love, at all, between me and that deer. At that
moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess... the feeling was
mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots, where I had cleverly
arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks, as
it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize
that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility
for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow
death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the
feeder... a little trap I had set before hand... kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have
thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached
up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse, where they just
bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head... almost like a
pit bull. They bite HARD and it HURTS!
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back
slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was
likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now),
tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the "beejasus" out of my right arm, I
reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my
final lesson in deer behaviour for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back
feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are
surprisingly sharp.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal (like a horse) strikes at you
with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to
make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will
usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer... so obviously, such trickery would not
work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed
like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that
paws at you, is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of
the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being
twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit
me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave.
I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do
instead, is paws at your back and jump up and down on you, while you are laying
there, crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under my truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why, when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope,
and stay as far away from that deer until they are sure it is edible!
424-
Every time the doorbell goes, my dog runs for the door.
I don't know why, it's never for him.
425-
It was a month after World War 3 had devastated the earth.
Not a human being survived. Indeed a battered and dazed chimpanzee had wandered
for weeks through what was left of the smouldering jungle without seeing another
living thing.
One day the chimp saw something move behind the rubble. He was delighted to find
it was another chimp, and a female at that.
He rushed up and embraced her, but she pushed him away. "No. Don't let's start
that all over again," she said.
426-
I couldn't figure out what the natural predator of a duck was.
was it a cat?
was it a dog?
was it a crocodile?
maybe a hippo?
then I realised!
it's the Chinese!!
427-
"I think Rover is getting a bit old, he seems to be going deaf."
"Bullshit, watch this...Rover sit! Oh dear, you're right, I'll get the shovel
and clean it up!"
428-
Dog Breeds We'd Like To See
Combine a Pointer with a Setter to get a traditional Christmas pet, the
Pointsetter.
Would you get a dog for visionaries if you bred a Kerry Blue Terrier with a Skye
Terrier so it came out as a Blue Skye?
Merge a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund and you'd get a Pyradachs, a puzzling
breed.
Breed a Pekinese with a Lhasa Apso to get a Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Mix an Irish Water Spaniel with an English Springer Spaniel to create an Irish
Springer, a dog that's fresh and clean as a whistle!
Research scientists would choose to blend a Labrador Retriever with a Curly
Coated Retriever to make a Lab Coat Retriever.
Combine a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound to make a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog
for financial advisors.
If you bred a Terrier with a Bulldog that would be a Terribull, a dog that makes
awful mistakes.
To get a dog that you can't shut up, mix a Bloodhound with a Labrador to make a
Blabrador.
Breed a Collie with a Malamute to create a Commute, a dog that will travel to
work with you.
Collie + Lhasa Apso - Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow - Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Malamute + Pointer - Moot Point, owned by.... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Deerhound + Terrier - Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
429-
“It’s snowing still,” said Eeyore gloomily. “So it is.” “And freezing.” “Is
it?” “Yes.” Said Eeyore.
“However,” he said, brightening up a little, “we haven’t had an earthquake
lately.”
430-
My wife was going to pay £125 at the vets today to have our old Labrador put to
sleep.
Unfortunately, while my wife was asleep last night it accidentally ate 60
paracetamol and drunk half a bottle of vodka.
Clumsy old thing.
431-
The madame of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have
two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is 'Hi, we're
prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I
have two male parrots whom I've taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put
your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and
will instead learn to recite the word of God."
The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest's house and puts them
in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their
cage.
"Hi, we're prostitutes," say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close that Bible, Frank! Our
prayers are answered!"
432-
A young lion was talking to and older lion just before they were to be let into
the Roman Forum for the final showdown with the Christians.
"This is the first time for me, I'm not sure what I should do," said the younger
lion.
The older lion says, "it's easy: you run up to the Christians and roar as load
as you can and take a swipe at them with your paw, just before you eat them!"
"Why all the theatrics?" asks the younger lion. "Shouldn't we just eat them?"
The older lion shakes his head, "NO, it's better to scare the shit out of them
first...they taste better that way!"
433-
Q: What goes peck, peck, peck, boom? A: A chicken in a minefield.
434-
One day Lion summons the other animals: “Each of you must tell a joke, but if
any one fails to laugh, I’ll kill the one who told it. Monkey, go first.”
Monkey begins: “Two men are in the street and....”
When he finishes, everyone bursts out laughing save Tortoise. “Tortoise didn’t
laugh!” roars Lion, who pounces on Monkey and kills him.
“Elephant, you’re next.” The same thing happens again. Everyone is angry at
Tortoise, but nobody dares move. “Now it’s Tiger’s turn.”
Tiger was about to begin when Tortoise falls over laughing. “What’s with you?”
bellows Lion. “Tiger hasn’t told his joke yet...”
Tortoise replies: “Monkey’s joke is hilarious!”
435-
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat
whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him.. He
visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any
medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs,
but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans
it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these
accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no
expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and
earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the
head, Holy shit, my dog is a Democrat!
436-
I've just had my first tit wank.
It wasn't very successful; one of them flew away and the other just kept pecking
away at my scrotum.
437-
I've just discovered my dog has a latex allergy.
God knows how I'm going to explain that to the vet.
438-
2 blokes walking down a road see a blind dog shagging a cabbage.
One bloke says to the other.. Poor bastard must think it's a collie.
439-
Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?
Swarm.
440-
I was just visiting some friends who have a real working farm.
I was watching this one rooster chasing after this hen, when the friend's wife
came out to feed them.
The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin eating.
I stood there thinking to myself, "Damn ! I hope I never get that hungry."
441-
A woman had her dog neutered because she was told it would curb the animal's
aggression. But the next day it savaged the postman. "I'm so sorry," she said,
rushing to the man's aid. "I was told he'd stop attacking people if I had him
neutered." "Lady," said the postman, picking himself off the ground, "you should
have had his teeth pulled. I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to
make love to me”
442-
Maury the shepherd sent his sheep-dog out to gather and count the flock to
make sure none were missing. The dog returns and says that there are 40 sheep.
Maury: "40? I only started with 38!"
Dog: "Yeah, but you told me to round them up."
443-
My budgie broke his leg so I used a couple of matches as a splint.
Unfortunately, I'd also lined his cage with sandpaper.
444-
An elephant asked a camel, "why are your breasts on your back?'
'Well,' said the camel, 'I think that's quite an inappropriate question from
someone whose dick is on his face.'
445-
A horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face?"
The horse, being a horse and thus unable to speak or comprehend the complexities
of conversation, does not reply and shits on the floor.
446-
A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at every bite
she took. Finally she took a small piece of meat from her plate and held it up
for him. "Speak!" she said to the dog. The dog answered, "Under the
circumstances, I hardly know what to say!
447-
An Elephant and a Monkey are sitting by a river chatting when a turtle crawls
out and quick as a flash the elephant stamps on it squashing it flat.
"What the fuck was that about" screams the Monkey.
"That turtle" replies the elephant "bit my trunk 20 years ago. I'd know him
anywhere".
The Monkey looks amazed and says. "Whoah,turtle recall."
448-
Our dog can find anything.
It's a Labragoogle.
449-
My dog can lick his own balls.
I don't care how much he makes those puppy dog eyes at me.
450-
A rabbit was hopping through the forest when he came upon a giraffe rolling a
joint. The rabbit said, "Giraffe, don't do drugs. Come, run with me through the
forest." The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the joint. He dropped the
joint and ran off with the rabbit. They came upon an elephant snorting cocaine.
The rabbit said, "Elephant, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the
forest." The elephant looked at his razor blade and mirror, tossed them away and
began running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then came across a
lion about to shoot up. The rabbit said, "Lion, don't do drugs. Come, run with
us through the forest." The lion looked at the rabbit and then at the needle. He
put down the needle and started to beat the living daylights out of the rabbit.
Horrified, the giraffe and elephant asked, "Lion, why are you doing this? He was
only trying to help you." The lion answered, "This little fucker? He makes me
run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy.
451-
I broke into a pet shop today and stole a rabbit.
Then I made a run for it.
452-
My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.
It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind.
453-
Over the weekend I happened to catch a glimpse of some National Dog Show
event as I flipped through the channels. The dog on the screen at the time was a
white English sheepdog. It was simply a mound of fur with four legs. The judge
was brushing back the dog's hair so she could look at the animal's eyes. The TV
announcer was explaining that each dog has to have its eyes checked to make sure
they're the right shape, colour, etc. Another announcer chimed in with, "Well,
plus the judge has to see if the dog HAS both of its eyes. 'Cuz if you start
combing through hair and you only see ONE eye . . . you're looking at the wrong
end of the dog."
454-
A man takes his puppy to a bar and is told in no uncertain terms to leave
immediately. "But this isn't just any dog," the man says. "This dog can play the
piano." "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay, and I'll give you a
drink on the house." The man sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts
playing -- ragtime, Mozart, Gershwin -- and the bartender and patrons love it.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck,
and drags him out. "What the hell was that all about?" the bartender asks. "Oh,
that's his mother," the man says. "She wants him to be a doctor."
455-
Excellent guard dog free to a good home. Owner cannot afford to feed him
anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters
left in the neighbourhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his
Oriental street name, Ho Lee Schitt.
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