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Xmas

1-
December 14th 
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection,
Agnes

December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes

December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love,
Agnes

December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes

December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially,
Agnes

December 20th
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own damn cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
Ag

December 22nd
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ - do they play. They have never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
From Ag

December 23rd
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sticking the police on you.
One who means it,
Ag

December 24th
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Miss Agnes McCallister

December 25th
(From the law offices of Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

2-
I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner. 

3-
A CHRISTMAS LIMERICK
It was Christmas Day in the harem
The eunuchs were standing there
Watching the Vestal Virgins combing their pubic hair
When the voice of Father Christmas came echoing through the halls
Saying, ”What would you like for Christmas?”
The eunuchs all answered, “Balls”

4-
Heard on Christmas Day
Talk about huge breasts!
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist!
If I don't undo my pants I'll burst.
Whew, that's a terrific spread
I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
Are you ready for seconds yet?
It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
Don't play with your meat.
Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
You still have a little bit on your chin.
Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.
How long will it take after you put it in?
You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that.
How many are coming?
That's the biggest one I've ever seen.
Just lay back and take it easy...I'll do the rest
How long do I beat it before it's ready?

5-
’Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Mom in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon was so bright that it lit up the yard,
The place was a mess, something hit it real hard.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a crooked old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Fuckin’ slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.

Over the lamp post, and don’t hit that tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, ‘cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up in the shrub.

And then from the roof came a hell of a splatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down through the chimney he came with a crash.

His suit was all soaking with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some cathouse, he said with a smile,
The reindeer are pooped, so I’ll hang for awhile.

He walked to the kitchen and poured up a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a black leather whip,
Next were some X-rated video clips.

A box full of condoms was Santa’s next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And boxes of goodies I won’t even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa would shit,
If you don’t mind I’ll leave it all here when I split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
And he fell on his buttocks and broke wind instead.

He cursed and got up and climbed into his hitch,
Let’s go ya varmits, the night’s been a bitch!
The shuddering lurch slammed him back in his chair,
And he let out a belch as they took to the air,

Bending the lamp post and raking the tree,
He bounced off a rooftop and finally got free.
I’m comin’ home, woman! he sang with a smirk,
So grab both your ankles, and pull up your skirt!

6-
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED 
Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
Manic -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and......
Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Agoraphobia ---I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
Senile Dementia ---Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers and Robe
Oppositional Defiant Disorder ---I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
Social Anxiety Disorder ---Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
Amnesia ---I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

7-
Season's greetings (the PC way)... 
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally-conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, celebration of the winter/summer solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of your choice, or secular practice of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all AND a fiscally-successful, personally-fulfilled and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar for 2003, but not without due respect for the calendars of your choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our society great (not to imply that our society is necessarily greater than any other society) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for himself or others and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting (whichever comes first) and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Happy holidays!

8-
With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve. 
The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly." 
Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. "Hey! What's the shotgun for!?" Santa yells. 
The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff." 

9-
A young girl sat on Santa's knee. He said, "What would you like for Christmas, little girl?"
"Some hairs on my pee-pee place," she replied.
"Do you mind if they're white ones?" asked Santa.... 

10-
A small girl’s father asked her what she would most like for Christmas. The girl, knowing that her mother was expecting, replied, “A baby brother.” To everyone’s delight, the mother came back from the hospital on Christmas Eve with a baby boy in her arms. Some time later, the father said to his daughter, “And next Christmas what would you like?” “Well,” said the girl, after some thought, “If it wouldn’t be too uncomfortable for Mum, I’d like a pony.”

11-
"May I take your Christmas lunch order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, but first I'd like to know how do you prepare your turkeys?"
"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

12-
Inner City Christmas Carols

(To the tune of Deck The Halls)
See that drag queen his name's Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
For 50 quid he'll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La
You should meet his brother Carol.
Fa La La La La La La La La

(To The Tune Of We Wish You A Merry Christmas)
We wish you a happy hearing,
we wish you a happy hearing,
We wish you a happy hearing,
and we hope you make bail!

(To The Tune Of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer)
Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.

(Then there's my favorite rendition of an old holiday classic...)
'Twas The night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
So I took their stereo.

13-
Dear Friends
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here.
The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with VD from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my ass in bird shit. On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined The Gay Liberation Front, and those dumb Newfoundlanders have scheduled Christmas for the 5th Of February.
Sincerely, Santa 

14-
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty. 
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?", "You're kidding me!", "Who owns that?"
Finally I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also sub as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane. Finding what I wanted was difficult as love dolls come in many models. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature my brother could live without so I settled for Lovable Louise. She also was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and left the front door unlocked. In the wee hours of the morning long after Santa had come and gone I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for hours.
The next morning Jay called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that made him VERY happy but the dog was confused. The dog would bark and bark. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came for the traditional dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except we forgot Grandma and Grandpa would be there.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
"It's a doll." replied my brother.
"Who would play with something like that?" she replied "And where are her clothes?"
"Boy that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dinning room. But Granny was relentless. 
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey who's the naked gal by the fire place?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
Dinner went well. We made the usual small talk when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the morning. She then lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure. 
Later we discovered the cause of Louise's collapse as she had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her thigh. Thanks to duct tape we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house...

15-
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
December 1 
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES 
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
*
December 2nd 
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES 
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
*
December 3rd 
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES 
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
*
December 7th 
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES 
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
*
December 9th 
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES 
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." 
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces
*
December 10th 
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES 
Vegetarians! I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
*
December 14th 
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES 
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays! 
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

16-
North Pole Annual Report
Seasons Greetings!
The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons greetings has been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing.
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French]
The [four calling birds] were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work MP’s. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed MP’s this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the bar association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Merry Christmas

17-
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my email?"

18-
The "Politically Correct" Days of Christmas...
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) *
*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

19-
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so
Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

20-
I bought my Mother a wooden leg for Christmas.
It’s not her main present. Just a stocking filler.

21-
It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank.
Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.
"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.
The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!"
"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!... Thank you, thank you!" 
Father Christmas promises him that :-
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.
"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?"
Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.
After a quite brutal rogering, which made his eyes water a little, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.
"36" replies the man.
"Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay bastard in fancy dress

22-
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. 

23-
It was 2 days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." (pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there." (pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

24-
A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.
"Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"
Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.
"Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the stock market collapse and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."
"Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry, it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way."
"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"
The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner."
"Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner. Will Blitzen do instead?"

25-
A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S". 
The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys." 
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y." 
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy." 
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks. 
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!" 

26-
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store just before Christmas, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" 
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." 

27-
Santa's Pick Up Lines 
* I know when you`ve been bad or good, so let's skip the small talk, sister! 
* Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh? 
* Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip? 
* Some of my best toys run on batteries... 
* I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you? 
* Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list! 
* Wanna join the "Mile High" club? 
* That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I'm just glad to see you! 

28-
Remember that a dog is not just for Christmas
If you carve them very thinly they’ll last well into January.

29-
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said: "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. 
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said: "They're bells" . Saint Peter said: You may pass through the pearly gates." 
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked: "And just what do those symbolise?" 
The man replied: "They're Carol's".

30-
The Teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. 
"Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked. 
Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, my twelve brothers and sisters and I go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys." 
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?" 
"Well, Ms. Jones, my sister and I also go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents," Jimmy replied. 
"That's also very nice Jimmy," she said. Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked Isaac Cohen the same question. "Now Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" 
Isaac said, "Well we also sing carols!" 
Surprised, Ms. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you sing." 
"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."

31-
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known -- ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

32-
Things To Do During the Christmas Holidays
1. Stand in front of a supermarket wearing a Santa suit, ringing a bell and wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah.
2. Wrap yourself in swaddling clothes and lay in the manger of the neighbour's nativity scene.
3. Put on a Santa suit and open a mall kiosk that sells reindeer jerky and Easter Bunny fillets.
4. Call Park Rangers in your area and tell them Rudolph is sick. Ask if you can borrow one of their reindeers. If they tell you no, then yell at them telling them they are heartless bastards for ruining Christmas for all the children around the world.
5. Wear a Santa suit to the nearest red light district and stand on the corner saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!" as women walk by.
6. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children that they've been naughty and won't be getting any presents this year.
7. Create snow sculptures in your yard of snowmen in suggestive poses.
8. Buy a package of Keebler's E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and hand them out to children saying this is what happens to the bad elves.
9. Decorate your yard to look like a sleigh and eight tiny reindeer crashed and burned. Walk back and forth along the street muttering, "Oh the humanity"
10. Get a job playing Santa at a corporate Christmas party and ask everyone if they'd like to see some naked pictures of Santa with the Boss's wife.
11. Sell jars of water, advertising them as Frosty the Snowman urns.
12. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children they'll get what you give 'em and that's that!
13. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children you're sick of the milk and cookies crap and you'd prefer a beer and a hot blonde instead.
14. Sell Grinch-skin rugs.
15. Stand on a street corner selling dime bags of mistletoe.
16. Post a sign in front yard that says "Carollers Welcome." When they get almost to the front door turn on the sprinklers.
17. Randomly replace one bulb in your neighbour's lights so they no longer work. Repeat this every day until Christmas.
18. Decorate your yard for the holidays using you neighbour's decorations.

33-
Is There A Santa Claus?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

34-
Night Before Christmas For Readers in their 23rd Year of Schooling
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself -- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his undulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen ... "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -- guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletides to the planetary constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

35-
What would have happened if it had been the three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men ?
They would have asked directions ...
arrived on time …
helped deliver the baby …
cleaned the stable …
brought practical gifts …
and made a casserole 
But what would they have said as they left...?
As they left, they would have said……..
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in there!"
"And that donkey they are riding has seen better days too!"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
Want to bet on how long it will take before you get your casserole dish back?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin, my arse! I knew her in school !"

36-

37-
Do they know it's Christmas?
No, because
a) They aren't Christian
b) Their calendar is different
c) They don't speak English
d) They don't have access to a record shop, in order to purchase Band Aid
e) They're more bothered about eating than celebrating Jesus' birth.

38-
Now the season to be jolly is looming, I thought it appropriate to share one of life's little secrets with you:
Christmas Fruitcake Recipe: 
1 cup water 
1 cup sugar 
4 large eggs 
2 cups dried fruit 
1 teaspoon baking soda 
1 teaspoon salt 
1 pack of butter 
1 cup brown sugar 
lemon juice 
nuts (to taste) 
1 gallon whiskey 

Method:
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup of butter in large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl. Chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsiticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add 1 table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the bloody hell likes fruitcake anyway? Sleep tight!

If, for any reason you are unsatisfied with the results, please allow at least a week before attempting to repeat this recipe. Warn your GP, or call an ambulance beforehand if at all possible. Whatever happens, it's your own fault! Litigation would be unsuccessful! If you feel the need for happiness after more than two failed attempts, you could always re-cycle the empties. That should make you feel good about yourself. Or, perhaps not. Sweet dreams!

39-
The Night Before Christmas
(Texas Style)

'Twas the night before Christmas
In Texas, you know,
Way out on the prairie,
Without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin
Were Buddy and Sue,
A'dreamin' of Christmas,
Like me and you.
Not stockings, but boots
At the foot of their bed,
For this was in Texas,
What more need be said.

When all of a sudden
From out the still night,
There came such a ruckus
It gave me a fright.

And I saw 'cross the prairie
Like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard
Come out at a run.

The driver was geein'
And hawin' with will,
And horses, not reindeer,
He drove with such skill.

C'mon, Buck and Poncho,
And Prince to the right,
There'll be plenty travelin'
For y'all tonight.

The driver, in Levis
And a shirt that was red,
Had a 10-gallon Stetson
On top of his head.

As he stepped from his buckboard
He was really a sight,
A beard and a moustache
So curly and white.

As he burst in the cabin,
The children awoke,
And were both so astonished
That neither one spoke.

He filled up their boots
With such presents galore
That neither could think
Of a single thing more.

When Buddy recovered
The use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper,
'Are you Santa Claus?'

'Am I the real Santa?
Well, what do you think?'
And he smiled as he gave
A mysterious wink.

Then he leapt in the buckboard
And said in his drawl,
'To the children of Texas,
Merry Christmas, y'all!'

40-
The Japanese retail trade first tried to do Christmas in the 60's. A department store noticed that sales in the West went up in December because of a phenomenon called 'Chriss-u-mass' and decided that it was worth looking into. They got a couple of bright young things to research it so that they could get a display ready for the big opening of a new store. They even asked a western diplomat to come and do the ribbon cutting. When the moment arrived he cut the cable and pulled down the curtain to reveal a thirty foot high statue of Santa Claus, nailed to a cross.

41-
No Nativity Scene In Washington D. C This Year 
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas.
This isn't for any religious constitutional reason.
They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.

42-
'TWAS THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS
'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber), I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt--- I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!" So--away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore--- But isn't that what January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

43-
Politically Correct Santa
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves," "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E. P. A.
And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets... they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football... someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere... even you.
So here is that gift, its price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

44-
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. 
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a freaking book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!.
Santa
********************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace 
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
********************************************************
Dear Santa, 
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, 
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Lego's instead. 
Santa
********************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for 
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs, and carrots make the deer fart in my face when 
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of 
Scotch.
Santa
********************************************************
Dear Santa, 
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G. I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, 
Who names their kid "Francis"nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa
********************************************************
Dear Santa, 
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, 
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
********************************************************
Dear Santa, 
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, 
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa
********************************************************
Dear Santa, 
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy, 
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa
********************************************************
Dearest Santa, 
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Mark, 
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa
********************************************************

45-
'Twas the night before Christmas 
And all through the house 
Not a creature was stirring, 
Not even a mouse. 
'Cuzz the cat had pounced on him 
And tore him apart - 
Ate his mouse intestines 
And chewed up his heart. 
Kitty thought he heard sleighbells, 
Which made him take pause - 
He stopped daintily licking 
The blood from his claws. 
"Must be Santa," thought Kitty 
(That quite clever cat) 
'Cuz nobody else climbs down 
The chimney like that. 
Indeed it was ol' Santa 
So jolly and fat 
With a huge load of presents 
And all for the cat! 
"Wow, the best Christmas ever!" 
Kitty thought with a purr, 
Then he coughed up a hairball 
And shed some more fur! 

46-
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G. I. Joe." 
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." 
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G. I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

47-
Dorothy & Dana, two blondes, ventured into the woods to bring home a Christmas tree. They were determined not to leave until they found the right tree. They walked for hours in the snow, examining every tree they found. 
As the afternoon turned into evening, the temperature dropped ten degrees and the wind began to blow. Still no tree. 
Finally, Dana piped up: "Listen Dorothy, I really think we'd better take the next tree we see, whether it has lights and decorations on it or not!" 

48-
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone felt shitty even the mouse.
Dads at the whore house, Mom's smoking grass and I just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
Then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter. I sprang from my piece, to see what was the matter.
He came down the chimney, like a bat out of Hell. I knew right away that fucker fell.
He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer, and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney with one hell of a fart. That son-of-a-bitch blew my chimney apart.
He swore and he cussed as he flew out of sight, "Piss on you all and have one hell of a night!"

49-
December 8 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season: we took out cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print: so romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! 
December 9 Woke to a blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the 1st time in year & felt like a boy again. Did the both driveway and sidewalks. Later, the snowplough came along &I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. 
December 12 Sun melted all the lovely snow but good neighbour said we'd have a white Christmas. Then commented that by the end on Winter, I'd never want to see snow again. 
December 14 Snow, Lovely snow! 8" last night and cold, too. Wind took my breath away but warmed up shovelling. This is the life! Later the snowplough came back, again, but I'm getting in better shape. Just wish I didn't huff & puff so much. 
December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold the van and bought a 4x4; snow tires for the wife's car & 2 extra shovelled, then stocked the freezer. Wife wants a wood stove in case power goes off. I think that's silly - we aren't in Alaska... 
December 16 Ice storm this morning. Landed on my butt trying to salt the driveway. Hurt like hell. Wife laughed for an hour. (I think that was very cruel.) 
December 17 Too damn cold and icy to go anywhere. Power was off for 5 hours. Piled on blankets to stay warm with nothing to do but stare at the wife & try not to upset her. Can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. (Won't admit that I should have bought wood stove: hate it when she's right.) 
December 20 Power's back on and had another 14" of the damn stuff. Shovelled all day. Snowplough came by twice. Kids too busy playing hockey to help. Hardware store sold out. Next shipment of snow blowers due in March. Neighbour says I have to shovel or city will have it done and bill me. (Think he's lying.) 
December 22 White Christmas!!! 13" more of the white stuff & its so cold, it won't melt 'til August. Tried to shovel - just too tired. Tried to get help from neighbour who has snow plough on his truck but he said he was too busy. (Sure he's lying.)
December 23 Only 2" of snow today and had warmed up to 0. Wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? Says she did. (Think she's lying.) 
December 24 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. I'm gonna get snow plough driver. (I know he waits around the corner to see if I'm finished, then roars by at a 100, sending snow flying all over.) Wife wanted me to sign carols with her & open our presents, but I was busy watching for the damn snow plough. 
December 25 Merry Christmas. Another 20" of the slop. Snowed in again & the idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. I hate snow! Then the snowplough driver cam by asking for a donation. I hit him over the head with my shovel. Wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot and if I have to watch "It's a wonderful Life" one more time, I'll throw her in the snowbank.
December 26 Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever more here? It was all HER idea & she's getting on my nerves. 
December 27 Temperature dropped another 30 degrees and the pipes froze. 
December 28 Warmed up to -25. Still snowed in & the witch is making me crazy!!!!!! 
December 29 Another 10" & neighbour says I have to shovel the roof before it caves in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? 
December 30 Roof caved in. Snow plough driver is suing me and the wife went home to her mother. Another 9" in forecast. 
December 31 Set fire to what's left of the house: no more shovelling. 
January 8 I feel sooooo good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

50-
Merry Christmas!!! 
You think you got it bad All night long, soot in the chimneys, smelly socks cross dogs, shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow, damn near got killed by a 747. 
Mrs. Clause pissed off, I got in too late. And that isn't all Donner and Blitzen And Rudolf got the shits over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The damn elves won't clean the sleighs unless I pay them double time. I am so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit The only high ball I had all night is when I slipped getting out of the sleigh.
My prostate is giving me hell, pissed myself pants at 20,000 feet and froze to the seat.
Allergic to pine needles, I itch all over. I think my haemorrhoids are back.
Merry Christmas, Your Ass!

51-
Little Rebecca comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Christmas. "Since Christmas is for Christians and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Christmas card?
Rebecca's father thinks! a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Christmas card to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?
"Well", she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a card, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent cards to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
Rebecca, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Rebecca says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him and send him back to hell where he belongs.

52-
Night Before A Redneck Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house;
Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse.
My .357 sat right on my lap
Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.

The young 'uns were restless and watching in shifts
To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts,
When out from the yard came a godawful noise
O could it be him with a shitload of toys?

I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain
I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain
But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door
Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!"

"Hands in the air and kick over that sack,
And then real slowly move 20 feet back."
He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf;
I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.

I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw
Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw.
I heard him take off - in a second he split,
Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit.

Back in my chair I let out such a yelp
That the wife and the kids came to offer their help,
Their eyes filled with wonder - I started to drag
A whole shitload of presents from Santa's big bag.

A big can of crawdads for when I go fishin'
A whopping belt buckle - a brand new transmission,
A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife,
A nice leather strap just for beating the wife.

A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice,
A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice!
An inflatable dollie for when the old hag
Starts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag.

When out of the bag I had pulled every bit
I said "Looks like you kids won't be getting no shit."
Here was my chance to try out my new strap
When they started their bawling and screaming and crap.

I chased them upstairs and I popped me a brew,
I sat back in my chair, filled my mouth up with chew,
With my heart full of gladness, my soul full of cheer,
I yelled up, "Maybe you'll get some presents next year!" 

53-
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year, not only was I the first in my class but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there were no kid in the neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbours, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!
What balls you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a lame ass whistle and a pair of socks! What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you'd taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the damn tree.
As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little shithead across the street so many fucking toys, that he can't even walk into his damn house! Please don't let me see you trying to fit your huge ass down my chimney next year! I'll fuck you up! I'll throw rocks at those corny ass reindeers of yours and scare them the fuck away, so you'll have to walk your big fat ass back to the north pole, just like I have to do since you didn't get me that fucking bike, you punk bastard!! You know what Santa, Fuck You!! Next year you'll find out how bad I can really fucking be!
So watch your back next year, Beeyaaaaatch!!!!
Sincerely, Johnny

Dear Johnny,
I know WHO you are, and I KNOW where you live. You little shit! You can't talk to SANTA like that and get away with it!
If you don't like the yo-yo, which is a classic toy, by the way, then you can just cram it up your little ass! As for the whistle you didn't care for -- I gotcha whistle right here!!! Come blow on this! And the socks... well, I figured you are big enough to be whacking off, and those socks would have come in handy and been handy to ... well, even you should get the picture!
And... that little "faggot" across the street, you'll be happy to know that he's already got pubic hair and his whang is TWICE as long as yours. Besides, his parents think YOU're the fag --always moanin' and whinin'.
Don't worry about gathering up rocks for my visit to your house next year, 'cause I ain't coming down your chimbly ever again. If you find any pennies this year, you had better stop and pick them up, 'cause that's about all you're going to get for Christmas. Your mom and dad are doing to be killed in a car crash, and you'll be stuck in an orphanage before Thanksgiving.
Bad? You want BAD? I'll show you who's bad!
Affectionally, Adieu,
Santa

54-
Top 10 Things To Say About A Holiday Gift You Don't Like 
10. Hey! There's a gift.
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.
7. Perfect for wearing in the basement.
6. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don't deserve this.

55-
Holiday Eating Tips 
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. 
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. 
4. As for mashed potatoes, alwa ys ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. 
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? 
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. 
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple.! Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mince meat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? 
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. 
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. 

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" Happy Holidays!

56-
Kids! Too busy to sit down and write an old-fashioned letter to Santa? Have no fear! This handy-dandy interweb doo-dad can do the heavy lifting for you!
Dear...... [Santa Claus] [Saint Nicolas] [Father Christmas] [Pagan Troll] [Obese Trespassing Altruist] [Satan Claus - Devourer of Children's Souls],
This year, I have been a very...... [good] [bad] [materialistic] [passive aggressive] [manipulative] [Ritalin-addled] little...... [boy] [girl] [TV watcher] [advertising tampon]. I have...... [not] [sometimes] [compulsively] ...... [lied] [cheated] [embezzled] [pillaged] [murdered], and I have...... [always] [often] [rarely] [never] helped my...... [mommy] [daddy] [grandma] [grandpa] [brother] [sister] [mommy's "special friend"] [other daddy] with their...... [chores] [homework] [taxes] [pyramid schemes] [colostomy bag]. And I always say thank you, which makes me...... [nice] [polite] [seem like I care] and so I deserve lots of...... [love] [presents] [blank checks] [age-inappropriate pants] this year!
Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life For my mommy, please bring...... [perfume] [earrings] [Valium] [fruit leather panties] [the onset of menopause] [daddy's testicles in a vise]. For my daddy, please bring a new...... [neck tie] [razor] [money clip] [dead-end job] [Rogaine prescription] [topaz-studded ass plug]. For my...... [big] [little]...... [brother] [sister], please bring......[a soccer ball] [fingernail polish] [Legos] [GI Joe] [Barbie] [methadone] [Newport Lights 100's] [a diaphragm] [a subscription to Guns & Ammo]. For my...... [doggy] [hamster] [ferret], please bring...... [a chew toy] [a cableknit sweater] [kibble] [breath mints] [a homeopathic heartworm remedy] [non- surgical sterilization]. Oh ­ and for my...... [baby sitter] [mail man] [cleaning lady] [pool boy] [case worker], please bring some...... [fruit cake] [coupons] [worthless tchotchkes] [work ethic].
Now about me! Please bring me all of the...... [Harry Potter] [Scooby Doo] [Spider Man] [Star Wars] [Spongebob Squarepants] [Anna Nicole Smith]...... [action figures] [videos] [breakfast cereal] [pajamas] [sheets] [beer coozies] [toilet paper], and front row tickets to...... [Eminem] [Britney Spears] [Aaron Carter] [Mary-Kate and Ashley] [GWAR] [Philip Glass] ­ plus backstage passes so I can get...... [autographs] [behind the scenes] [coked up] [airborne chlamydia]! Oh, and please don't forget to bring my...... [pool] [go-kart] [jet-ski] [pony] [Lamborghini Diablo VT 6.0] [amputee Afghan orphan]. But if you can't, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just...... [$100] [$1000] [$10,000] [$100,000] [$1,000,000] [$10,000,000] [$100,000,000]!
Anyway, I hope you like the...... [cookies] [cake] [pudding] [Jell-O] [meatloaf] [cognac] [eight-ball] I left out for you.
[Love], [Sincerely], [Yours], [Breathlessly], [ insert name here ]
PS Please say...... [hi] [hello] [Merry Christmas] to...... [Rudolph] [Mrs. Claus] [the baby Jesus] [Ralph, the heartless Elfin slavemaster].
PPS Oh yeah, and remember [insert name here]? [He] [She] has been a really......[naughty] [selfish] [corrupt] [perverted] [homicidal]...... [dork] [weener] [cry-baby] [coprophile] [vivisection] hobbyist all year long and doesn't deserve any Christmas presents. So please don't forget to put...... [coal] [sticks] [homework] [dog shit] [ebola] in their stocking.
Thanks!

57-
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. 
Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. 
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?" 
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church." 
"And why did you take him?" 
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it. 

58-
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed. 
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. 
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. 
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year, 
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear? 
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night. 
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. 
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. 
And just when I thought that things would get better 
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter, 
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny 
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits 
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits 
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds 
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads 
I made a ton of yo yo's--
No request for them, They want computers and robots...
They think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees 
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees 
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment 
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason, 
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season.

59
Why doesn't Santa have any children?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

60-
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

61-
Dear All,
In my living room I have a TV, Stereo, DVD and VCR and it's a total pain having four remote control devices.
So I picked up this little beauty in Dixon's and it does the trick perfectly!
Don't all rush down to Dixon's, because they have now sold out. 
Ask Father Christmas to bring you one of your own.

62-
Politically Correct Santa
'Twas the night before Christmas and santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So dancer and donner, comet and cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause such a commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him.  And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim.  Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth.
And fairy tales, while not forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;
And nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

63-
I have been watching you very closely to see if you've behaved this year and since you have I will be telling my elves, if I can find them, to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas if I can get there 
- I intended to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we having a bit of a problem with that plan as the 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD apparently from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing. 
- And we just discovered while we were distracted attending to the fiddlers and their no longer dancing ladies. the damn 11 lords leaping were instead stealthily tip-toeing around and have now knocked up the 8 maids a-milking. 
- And I just got off the phone with the police department, who asked me if I'd care to come down and make bail for the 9 pipers piping who were arrested in the park for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming in broad daylight. 
- The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up in deep bird doo doo up to the top of my boots and I doubt I can get my sled runners movin' out of all that frozen bird shit. 
- On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause and refuses to make me any cookies or let me anywhere near her milk jugs. 
- To top it off, 8 of my reindeer are in heat and have somehow gotten completely entangled in the harnesses and reins attempting some arctic orgy last night and it's going to take forever to free them. 
- The crazy elves have joined the gay liberation army in England that was started by some retired dwarfs that had been used for bowling balls in the pubs a few times too often and have been left with diminished sexual abilities, so they practice oral sex ... they talk about it 
- And some nuts, people who obviously can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. 
- Maybe next year I'll be able to get my act together and bring you some of the things you want. This year I suggest you get your ass down to Toys R Us before everything is gone. 
- Love, Santana ( Crazy ) Claus

64-
Why does Santa wear red underwear?
He's a man--he did all his laundry in one load.

65-
Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid
10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
6. Christmas Day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from shit town."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Fat ASS!"

66-
Christmas Arkansas Style
Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the shack,
not a thing was a movin',
from the front to the back,
 
The kids were in bed,
I believe we had nine,
The wife in her curlers,
was lookin' real fine.
 
A cold wind was blowin',
up the holler it moaned,
All seven dogs on the porch
howled and groaned.
 
The boys were all dreamin'
of weapons and guns,
for killin' God's creatures,
there's no better fun.
 
The girls in their feminine
dreams were attuned,
to getting those gallons
of Wal-Mart perfume.
 
The wife wanted jewellery,
like rings with big rocks,
I wanted my Chevy,
down off the blocks.
 
Then in the yard,
such a noise did commence,
like something was caught,
in the barb-wire fence.
 
I ran to the window,
and saw pretty quick,
the man makin' the racket,
was Good Ol' St. Nick.
 
You may think of Santa,
in your own mind's eye,
dressed in a red and white suit,
But I've got a surprise.
 
That old boy's an Arkie,
our fair state he won't fail'er,
He married his cousin,
and they live in a trailer.
 
On Christmas, of course,
a sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up,
to a razorback pig.
 
He climbed on the roof,
with his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace,
all dirty and sooty.
 
Fat legs in his britches,
chubby hands in his mittens,
I admit from the back,
he looked like Bill Clinton.
 
He turned toward the tree,
His eyes all aglow,
He was a Southern boy,
from his head to his toe.
 
His neck was a red one,
His shirt said "Light Beer",
there was no red hat,
his cap read, "John Deere".
 
He left all the presents,
with an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney,
and into the night.
 
He ran into the yard,
and threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs,
to get out of the way.
 
And I heard him exclaim,
as those pigs took to flight,
Merry Christmas to all,
And to all ...A "bud lite"  

67-
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

68-
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary stopped beside him on her new shiny bike. "Nice bike" the cop said "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying
"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

69-
For Christmas I bought my brother a combination fax machine and paper shredder. 
Either we hooked it up wrong or a lot of people are faxing him confetti.

70-
One year at Christmas my mum went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mum decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mum took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the birds back in the oven. 
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. 
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. 
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! By the way my sister is a blonde.

71-
Fill the House
(sung to the tune of Deck the Halls)

Fill the house with jubilation!
fa la la la la la la la la
Billy Bob is on probation
Fa la la la la la la la la
Ellie slept with brother Chester!
Fa la la la la la la la la
Now she's in her 3rd trimester
Fa la la la la la la la la
Give a cheer--we're all together
Fa la la la la la la la la
Claire is into whips and leather
Fa la la la la la la la la
Roy has formed his own militia
Fa la la la la la la la la
Clem's a pimp for cousin Trisha
Fa la la la la la la la la
gather round and give a blessing
Fa la la la la la la la la
Uncle Fred is still cross-dressing
Fa la la la la la la la la
Jeff is on the floor with Donna
Fa la la la la la la la la
Stoned on home-grown marijuana
Fa la la la la la la la la
Join our Christmas celebration--
Fa la la la la la la la la
Make our house your destination--
Fa la la la la la la la la
Every year's a real hum-dinger--
Fa la la la la la la la la
Catch us soon on Jerry Springer
Fa la la la la la la la la

72-
Leaked memo:
The President has authorized the Department of Defence to assist Santa with the Twelve Days of Christmas. Status of acquisitions follows:
Day 1- Partridge in a pear tree: The Army and Air Force are in the process of deciding whose area of responsibility Day 1 falls under. Since the partridge is a bird, the Air Force believes it should have the lead. The Army, however, feels trees are part of the land component command's area of responsibility. After three months of discussion and repeated OpsDeps tank sessions, a $1M study has been commissioned to decide who should lead this joint program.
Day 2 - Two turtle doves: Since doves are birds, the Air Force claims responsibility. However, turtles are amphibious, so the Navy-Marine Corps team feels it should take the lead. Initial studies have shown that turtles and doves may have interoperability problems. Terms of reference are being coordinated for a four-year, $10M DARPA study.
Day 3 - Three French Hens: At State Department instigation, the Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs has blocked off-shore purchase of hens, from the French or anyone else. A $6M program is being developed to find an acceptable domestic alternative.
Day 4 - Four Calling Birds: Source selection has been completed, with the contract awarded to AT&T. However, the award is being challenged by a small disadvantaged business.
Day 5 - Five Golden Rings: No available rings meet MILSPEC for gold plating. A three-year, $5M accelerated development program has been initiated.
Day 6 - Six Geese a-Laying: The six geese have been acquired. However, the shells of their eggs seem to be very fragile. It might have been a mistake to build the production facility on a nuclear waste dump at former Air Force base that was closed under BRAC.
Day 7 - Seven Swans a-Swimming: Fourteen swans have been killed trying to get through the Navy SEAL training program. The program has been put on hold while the training procedures are reviewed to determine why the washout rate is so high.
Day 8 - Eight Maids a-Milking: The entire class of maids a milking training program at Aberdeen is involved in a sexual harassment suit against the Army. The program has been put on hold pending resolution of the lawsuit.
Day 9 - Nine Ladies Dancing: Recruitment of the ladies dancing has been halted by a lawsuit from the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Association." Members claim they have a right to dance and wear women's clothing as long as they're off duty.
Day 10 - Ten Lords a-Leaping: The ten lords have been abducted by terrorists. Congress has approved $2M in funding to conduct a rescue operation. Army Special Forces and a USMC MEU(SOC) are conducting a "NEO-off" competition for the right to rescue.
Day 11 - Eleven Pipers Piping: The pipe contractor delivered the pipes on time. However, he thought DoD wanted smoking pipes. DoD lost the claim due to defective specifications. A $22M dollar retrofit program is in process to bring the pipes into spec.
Day 12 - Twelve Drummers Drumming: Due to cutbacks only six billets are available for drumming drummers. DoD is in the process of coordinating an RFP to obtain the six additional drummers by outsourcing; however, funds will not be available until FY 05.
As a result of the above-mentioned programmatic delays, and due to a high OPTEMPO that requires diversion of modernization funds to support current readiness, Christmas is hereby postponed until further notice.

73-
Dear Santa (From Barbie)
Dear Santa
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOULD imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct;
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct;
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done;
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a hooker....for goodness sake!
8. A new, more '2002 persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum;
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 42 years--I think I deserve it; Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Up yours truly, Barbie

Ken's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and my some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to changes our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken" ? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken" "Green Lantern Ken" "Chippendale Ken" ... "Master Ken" These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.
And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having G.I.Joe - he's mine.
Real sincerely,
Ken

74-
RESTRUCTURING AT THE NORTH POLE
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne and environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavourable press.
I am pleased to announce to you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load", was an unfortunate comment made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under extreme stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" division:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent redundancy that is simply not cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The French hens will remain intact. After all, everybody loves the French... or at least French food.
The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by Human Resources will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are in order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work Congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an upcoming oversupply of unemployed Congressmen.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a sample case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to determine if seven dwarfs is the right number.

75-
An engineer's view of Santa....
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second -- 3,000 times the speed of sound.
For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them-Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m. p. s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
Merry Christmas.

76-
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus:
"Please send me a baby brother," the little boy requested very earnestly.
Santa wrote back: 
"Send me your mother..."

77-
Texan Christmas
When down on Canal Street the looters dey came
The po-lice had seen dem and called dem by name 
STOP! Melvin, Shaneekwa, Chantel and Joe Brown
Leroy and Rickita, put dem shoes down.

Da baskets dey loaded as fast as dey could
While big screens was rollin' on back to da hood
Shoes, electronics, fur coats and rings.
All de essential survival things.

From de east and de west da levees separated
An da peoples had wished dey evacuated.
Da water poured in like Dixie beer foam 
And da hood emptied in to da Superdome.

Dey crapped an dey pillaged an da Dome went to hell
It'll take 10 years to get rid of da smell.
But it's not like cleaning da dome affects us
Since dem Saints is gone to San Antonio, Texas.

Soon after Arron Broussard clearly started to drink
An Kathleen Blanco needed her time to think,
Da forces finally came to help out da cops
Wit dere M-16's up on da roof tops.

Dey were poppin' da gangstas like da hookas pop gum
An tossin' dem into the river like chum.
St. Gabriel was not dere eternal slumber.
An dey never made da body count number. 

No longer to walk among civilization,
Dey now a part of coastal restoration.
So when ya open up oysters, instead of pearls
You'll find little gold teeth and Geri curls.

An da ones dat was bussed to other states
An places where da Red Cross facilitates
Are waitin' around for dere FEMA checks
An demandin' everything else dey expects.

You can call em moochas. You can call em no good. 
But dey ain't comin' back to your neighborhood.
To all you evacuees and your plight
Hope you like TEXAS........ an' to all a good night

78-
I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own. Willingly, you came with me to my home. 
From the car, I carried you & threw open the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits. The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. 
My hands rub your body, ummmm running them through the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body. I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door. 
As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. 
Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste. 
"Oh yes", I say to you, I must say Grace 
"Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen"

79-
'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest, 
and all of us seniors were looking our best. 
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry; 
Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bed sock was taped to each walker, in hope 
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap. 
We surely were lucky to be there with friends, 
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts, 
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts. 
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth, 
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row, 
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop -- 
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great, 
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate. 
The social director then had us play games, 
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats, 
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats. 
Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair, 
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow 
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below. 
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter 
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).

A strange little fellow flew in through the door, 
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor. 
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived 
Our social- security checks had just arrived. 
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak, 
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke. 

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds. 
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds. 
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest. 
'fore long you'll be with us , We wish you the best

80-
Three blondes are sitting in a café, talking about what to get their boyfriends for Christmas.
"It's funny," said Samantha. "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I blow him! I think I should get him some ball warmers for Christmas."
"You know what?" replied Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard!"
They turn to the third blonde, Candi, and asked, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!" exclaimed Candi.
"You're crazy," Samantha piped up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it! It would make a great Christmas gift for Chris!"
Candi says she'll think about it. The next time they meet at the café it is Boxing Day and Candi is sporting a wicked shiner. 
"Whoa!" the Jenny asked. "How did you get that black eye?!"
"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," Candi said.
"What on earth for?!" the Jenny asked.
"I don't know," Candi replied. "I was giving him his Christmas present like you two suggested. I mentioned how strange it was that his balls were so warm, when Pete and Richard's were so cold, and he punched me!!!"

81-
Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

82-
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse. 
No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter. There'd be no damn reindeer, and so stupid clatter. 
There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney. I'll be alone, my computer and me. I won't race to the window, to see him arrive. I'll just sit right here...with windows ninety-five. 
There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around. None of my regular buddies are found. 
I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out. Age, sex, location is all that's about. 
As, I was about to go check out the net. I got an E-mail which I didn't expect. 
A lady told me, she had read my profile. And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while. 
She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave. But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve. 
She said, it's the first time she'd ever been on. But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun. 
She said, the computer, was usually locked tight. But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight. 
He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night. So, she thought she'd use it, " I guess it's all right." 
She started to tell me, about her whole life. How she was expected to be a good wife. 
She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs. Because she was forced, to do such silly deeds. 
She talked on and on, from one thing to the next. Then finally told me.....she was oversexed. 
She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told. He was always too busy, and getting too old. 
Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex. She asked me to teach her , to have cyber-sex. 
I said, if she wanted me to, that I could. Then after an hour, she got really good. 
After five hours, my fingers were sore. I told her, that I couldn't go anymore. 
She said, that was fine, because she was tired too. And anyway, her husband, soon would be due. 
She said she would be on, the same time next year. Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here. 
She said only...on this night, she could be found It is only...this night, her husband leaves town. 
She said bye, and signed off...and I had to pause. I think I just cybered . . . . . . with Mrs. Santa Claus ! 

83-
WHY SANTA IS A MAN !
1. Santa lives at the North Pole. Anyone who has ever dated/married/been in the same room with a woman knows that unless the air temperature is high enough to cook a small turkey, she will complain about it being too cold. So, there is NO way she would choose the North Pole as her base of operations. The Bahamas would be more to her taste.
2. Santa is fat and jolly. I dare ANYONE to describe ANY woman as "fat and jolly" to her face and expect to survive! If Santa were a woman, and you referred to her as this, you wouldn't find coal in your stocking, you'd find a pipe-bomb !
3. Santa at the mall. Now, I know that others have used the "Mall" example as proof that Santa is a woman. However, you see both men and women at the mall. And let me ask you this...What does Santa DO at the mall??? HE SITS DOWN!!! Do you ever see women sitting down at the mall??? Noooo! Women are running around trying to find a dust ruffle that matches the throw pillows on her sister's day-bed ! Men sit ... Santa sits. 'nuff said.
4. Santa walks around on rooftops. I don't know about you, but my wife REFUSES to get on the roof! If there is anything to be done up there, she sends me. In fact, I don't think I have EVER seen a woman up on a roof. The fact that Santa is perfectly comfortable walking around on a slippery, angled housetop is further proof that he is a "He !"
5. Santa likes Milk and Cookies. If Santa were a woman, we'd have to leave Godiva Chocolate and International Foods Flavoured Coffee. Or maybe herbal tea. Of course, if she was still sensitive about the whole "Fat and Jolly" thing, she would demand nothing more than a carrot stick and a glass of water. 
6. Santa uses the Chimney. No woman would ever THINK about crawling into a dirty, smelly chimney. A woman would carry a spare set of keys for every house. Of course, this would never work because she wouldn't be able to find them in her purse.
7. Santa has reindeer. Reindeer are totally for guys; they are big, hairy, smelly, and have huge antlers. A woman would never use them. She would prefer to be driven around in a stretch limo. Or, if she really wanted to use the traditional sleigh, they would have to be pulled by horses. I mean, what is it with women and horses ?

84-
Twas da night before Christmas in dis Yooper house,
and nuttin' was stirrin', not even our mouse.
The rest of da family was all fast asleep
wit' visions of pasties delivered by jeep.
Da swampers was hung by da chiminey wit care
in hopes dat Saint Nicolas soon would be dere.
And in da far corner it was lovely to see
the Bosch cans and cabbage dat hung from da tree.
Ma home from the mine and me out on parole,
she was snuggled in bed; I was perched on da bowl.
Then alluva sudden da house starts to shudder,
some nut's on da roof and he broke da rain gutter.
He jumps down the chimney and swears cause it's tight
As I hide behind beer cases, way outta sight.
He lands in da fireplace scorching his hair
on a busted up orange crate still burning in there.
He climbs outta da fireplace and I take a long look,
he's just like they show him in my colouring book.
With vodka-glazed eyes and a stomach like a bubble,
a five-day-old beard and dere's soot on his stubble.
His teeth when he smiles look like Grampa's weed-saw,
and he wore tennis shoes big as grizzly bear's paw.
This old Yooper elf gives me nothing to fear
as he heads for da kitchen for cookies and beer.
He kills off a six pack then belches and smirks,
and reaches into the playdoh sack, ready to work.
Now under da tree he's starting to set
the most beautiful presents us Yoopers can get.
Dere's a new pastymatic and snowblower for mother,
a steel chainsaw and some swampers for brother.
Some mud flaps, CB, and new-used weedwacker,
a helmet and nightshirt dat say "Green Bay Packers".
He close up da sack and he jumps in da coals
and hollering "OUCH!", up the chiminey he rose.
He grunted and groaned as he tossed out his bag
and cracked such a beer fart (ugh) I'm starting to gag.
I must watch him leave so I rushes outside,
I looks up at da roof while in bushes I hide.
And what does I see when I looks through da twigs?
A rusted old car body, pulled by eight pigs!
Santy jumped in and he gave 'em all hell,
"Let's go all yous pigs, don't just sit there and smell!
On Mushy and Mushy and Lempy and Joe
and all a you's others what names I don't know.
Fly over Negaunee and turn to da right,
we make Houghton-Hancock before I get tight."
Then I hear him exclaim with a cynical sneer
"Pull in at dat Bosch sign, I run outta beer!!"

85-
"Signs of Trouble in Santa Claus's Marriage"
He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students 
Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear" 
He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed 
He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie 
His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve 
Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey 
He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom 
Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee 
Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace 
Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants 

86-
'Twas The Night Before Christmas - Jewish style 
'Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews, My girlfriend and me- we had nothing to do. The Gentiles were home, hanging stockings with care, Secure in the knowledge St. Nick would be there. 
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down, There was nothing but boredom all over town. 
The malls and the theatres were all closed up tight; There weren't any concerts to got to that night. A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing, But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing. 
Outside the window sat two feet of snow; With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below. And while all I could do was sit there and brood, My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!" 
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots. We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down. And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown. 
In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Lets decide!" We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside. Around us sat other Jews, their platters piled high With the finest of foods their money could buy: 
There was roast duck and fried fake squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,) Dried kosher beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice, Whole fish and moo shi and "shrimp" chow mee foon, And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu ... 
When at last we decided, and the waiter did call, We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all. And when in due time the food was all made, It came to the table in a sort of parade. 
Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls, And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls. The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild, And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled. 
So much piled up, one dish after the other, My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another! Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils, While they handed us something that looked like two pencils. 
We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas And barely had room for our fortune cookies. But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood When it said: "Even if it was kosher, it was still Chinese food!." 
And my girlfriend-well ... she got a real winner; Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner." 
Our bellies were full and at last it was time To travel back home and write some bad rhyme Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak About trying to refine our chopstick technique). 
The MSG spun round and round in our heads, As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said, As we carried our leftovers home through the night; "Good Yom Tov to all-and to all a Good Night!"

87-
The 12 Kinky Days of XX-Mas
Day 1: A Spanking Over the Knee
Day 2: Two Back Rubs
Day 3: Three French Kisses
Day 4: Four Friendly Girls
Day 5: Five Nipple Rings
Day 6: Six Balls A Clickin
Day 7: Seven Screaming Orgasms
Day 8: Eight Anal Invasions
Day 9: Nine Nipple Clamps
Day 10: Ten Titty Tortures
Day 11: Eleven Naughty Movies
Day 12: Twelve Vibes a Thrusting

88-
Things Overheard in Santa's Toyshop:
"Please, Mrs. Claus, those batteries are for the children's toys!!"

89-
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He signed a pact with Santa!

90-
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, how about playing Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."....

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang....
"Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
and an appy New Year."

91-
'Twas the night before Christmas
And naughty girl I
Went to offer my Santa
Some sweet honey pie

I knew he couldn't
Resist this sweet treat
I know for a fact
'Tis his fave thing to eat

So I put on my stockings
My heels and my lipstick
And asked him to show me
Where he keeps his dipstick.

I went down on my knees
And unzipped his fly
Then sucked his cock down
In the blink of an eye.

He moaned and he whimpered
As my tongue stroked his sac
He said this is better than all
The toys in my pack!

His hands held my head
As I continued to blow
Then he laid me down quickly
And put his tongue down below

He was sure and so lively
He made me scream and then beg
As he sucked on my clit
And pinned down my legs.

You're mine, you bad girl
He said with a spank
Then rolled me onto my stomach
Deep inside me he sank

He rode me so hard
I knew when he came
Because he panted, then shouted
And called me by name.

He fucked me all night
And without any warning
He tied me to the bed
And shagged me till morning.

I am sure that the rest
Of the story is clear
You and I will be renting
That suit again next year!

92-
'Twas the day after Christmas,
And all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin',
Even the mouse.

The toys were all broken,
Their batteries dead;
And Santa was passed out,
With some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons,
Just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family,
Continued to snore.

And I in a T-shirt,
New Reeboks and jeans,
Went to the kitchen,
And started to clean.

When out in front of my house,
There arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink,
To see what was the matter.

Away to the window,
I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains,
And threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering,
Eyes should appear,
But a little white truck,
With an over sized mirror.

The driver was smiling,
So lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket
Read " U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills,
He grinned like a fox,
Then stuffed them into,
Our blue mailbox.

Bill after bill,
After bill, they still came.
As he whistling and shouted,
And called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, 
Now Penny's and Wal-Mart,
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Hallmark.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"

He whooped and he whistled,
As he finished his work.
He filled up the mailbox,
And then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck,
And he drove down the road,
Driving much faster,
With just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim,
With great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you bought,
You'll be paying all year!"

93-
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: "Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

94-
As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country. It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department in a big department store.
Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse. As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.
Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate."
"I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try." Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear. Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother's hand.
Together, with no fuss, they left the store. As they drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santa's words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word. What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magic Santa Claus had used on Wilbert. She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wilbert's stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say?
Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you don't climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I'm going to kick the living shit out of you!' "

95-
Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its "sell by" date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman
1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

96-
Holiday Greetings to Everyone,
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the (summer or winter depending upon which hemisphere you are in) solstice holiday, practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Great Britain is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons might have been slightly inconvenienced.

97-
Dear Christmas Reveller,
DING DONG merrily on high the Christmas bells are ringing! And don’t forget that if you plan to ring them at a level of 85 decibels or more then you must issue your ringing team with the appropriate ear defenders. Because seasonal deafness disorder is just one of the dangers that can lurk unseen at this time of year. 
Here’s another example. Deck the halls with boughs of holly, ’tis the season to be jolly. But you will need to remember that one of those sharp pieces of holly could take somebody’s eye out. So make sure you cover each little prickle with a tiny ball of Blu-Tac. It’s always better to be safe than sorry. 
That should be your motto at this time of year: better safe than sorry. We’re not killjoys in the world of safety: you should have seen us on Friday at our annual Christmas lunch, earplugs at the ready for those noisy crackers and everybody in their paper hard hats. But we would not be doing our job properly if we didn’t carry out a full holiday risk assessment. 
Yes, everybody knows that when Christmas is coming the geese are getting fat. But it takes a fully trained health and safety official to point out that those geese wouldn’t be quite so fat if somebody was on hand to advise them about a balanced diet and sensible daily regime of light exercise. 
With that in mind, here’s what you should be looking out for during the festive season: 
THE FOOD 
If possible, buy your mince pies from the ladies of Embsay Women’s Institute in Yorkshire, whose seasonal fare has already been fully risk-assessed. The WI had planned to prepare some pies for a village celebration, but were warned by the local council that they should display posters to warn that the pies contained nuts and suet pastry. 
Also be aware that baking a coin into a Christmas pudding represents an obvious choking hazard. If you wish to keep up this tradition, you should place the coin on a side plate as a separate helping. Please do not use a couple of old threepenny bits, as members of the minority Cockney community might find this offensive. Brazil nuts, hazelnuts and walnuts should all be clearly marked: “Contains nuts
THE TREE 
If you have a Christmas fairy at the top of your tree, you should first be aware that the word “fairy” can often cause offence. Perhaps a more appropriate term would be “wand bearer”. In any case, his or her role falls under the provisions of the Work At Height Regulations 2005. 
Before the regulations came into force, there were 4,000 serious injuries a year caused by falls from height (although no actual Christmas fairies appear to have been hurt). The owners of trees should therefore carry out a full risk assessment, provide scaffolding where appropriate, and maintain a proper programme of regular inspections. 
As for Christmas tree lights, well, we all remember what happened to Father Antony Such, don’t we? In October last year Father Such wanted to replace four lights, high up in St Benets church, Beccles, Suffolk. He used to pay about £100 to a man with a ladder. Thanks to the new regulations, he discovered it would now take two electricians, two labourers and scaffolding — at a cost of £1,315. 
While the electricians, the scaffolding team and the labourers are putting the lights on your tree, you might also ask them to pin up your Christmas cards on a piece of string. Can’t be too careful! And don’t forget to book them for Twelfth Night to take the whole lot down again. 
And remember: do not water your Christmas tree while the lights are switched on. 
CAROL SINGING 
The good news is: you don’t need a licence to go out carol singing. Well, in fact you do but only under certain circumstances. Under the provisions of the Licensing Act of 2003 carollers are classified as a religious gathering. 
But if you are singing in a shopping centre you might need an entertainment licence. If you are collecting in the street, you will require a street collection licence. If you are collecting door to door, you will require a house collection licence. All clear so far? You won’t always get it, of course. Summerhill school in Kingswinford, West Midlands, applied for a licence to hold this year’s carol service. A neighbour objected to the service, complaining that it would be a noise nuisance, and so the service was cancelled. Ho, Ho, Ho! 
CAROLS 
As you sing Once in Royal David’s City, you might care to take a few notes. Picture the lowly cattle shed, where a mother lays her baby in a manger for his bed. It is our opinion that the baby Jesus should count himself lucky that he didn’t catch some respiratory disorder from the spores of the old hay and straw in this manger. 
Many carols set a much better example of decent health and safety practice. For example, when Good King Wenceslas gives the order Tread my footsteps, good my page” he is demonstrating a duty of care to his employee as they work together in difficult deep, crisp and even snow conditions. 
When singing In the Bleak Midwinter, the words “Earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone” should be highlighted and marked with a “Trip Hazard” sign. 
CHRISTMAS CANDLES 
Pretty much every year since 1747, children have carried candles at the Christingle service at Chelmsford Cathedral. Not any more, though, because there are fears that the candles could set light to a child’s hair. So this year on Christmas Eve the children will carry fluorescent “glow sticks” instead. 
“Things were so crammed last year that some parents were very worried about candles and children’s hair,” said organiser Richard Spilsbury. “The cathedral was jam-packed and it was very difficult to move around. I know it sounds a bit of a killjoy but we thought we would give this alternative a try. They glow quite brightly. If it doesn’t work, we will go back to candles. We don’t want to spoil things, but we also don’t want to put anyone in danger.” 
CHRISTMAS CARDS 
When you have written “Happy Christmas (other faiths are also available)” in 200 cards, there is a danger of developing repetitive strain injury. Always wear a wrist support (even though the risk involved is rather less than nodding off from boredom and jabbing yourself in the eye with your Biro). 
And congratulations to staff at Wallisdean school in Fareham, who have identified a previously unknown hazard — that of becoming slightly depressed on not receiving many cards. The Hampshire school has told its children that they can send just one card using the school’s special postbox, and only if it’s sent to an entire class. The head teacher Sue Aspland told her local paper: “There were concerns from staff that some children do not receive many cards. For these children, it can have a negative impact.” 
FIRST-BORN SON EARLY MORTALITY SYNDROME 
First-born sons are at a higher than usual risk of early death in the weeks following Christmas, according to research by scientists at the University of Bethlehem. They carried out an extensive study around the year 1AD among families in the Bethlehem area, but have warned that their findings are not conclusive and could well be a one-off. 
CHRISTMAS PARTIES 
More recent research has suggested that Christmas parties can lead to disorientation and some loss of motor function in bishops of the Church of England. In an experiment conducted earlier this month, it was discovered that 100% of bishops of Southwark were affected in this way after enjoying a drink or two at the Irish embassy. The initial intake of wine does not seem to have been very carefully monitored in this case, but consumption does seem to have had some unfortunate side effects — not only some light bruising, but a reddening of the face and the feeling that other people seem to find one uproariously funny. 
OTHER HAZARDS 
Ivy Popular in wreaths and other decorations, but should be handled only by a qualified toxicologist. Sap can cause dermatitis. 
Mistletoe Do not stand underneath as it can lead to unexpected pregnancy. 
Wise men from the East Before your child accepts gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh from three kings who have traversed afar, ensure the visitors have been properly vetted by the criminal records bureau. 
Santa Claus If you leave a glass of sherry for Santa when he comes down the chimney, remember to leave a note warning of the dangers of drink-driving. 
These are just some of the risks that could present themselves over Christmas. We haven’t even begun to mention what could happen to somebody who finds themselves unexpectedly exposed to The Vicar of Dibley Christmas Special. Or the deep feeling of depression that you may experience at reading yet another newspaper report about how the “PC brigade have cancelled Christmas”. 
Wishing you all the compliments of the season. 
Ebenezer Scrooge 

98-
12 DAYS OF YAHOO ...
For the first pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me A post from a week ago.
For the second pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
2 web crashes And a post from a Week ago.
For the third pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
3 error messages
2 web crashes And A post from a week ago.
For the forth pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
4 jerks at Tech Help
3 error Messages
2 web crashes And a post from a week ago.
For the fifth pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
5 frozen PM's
4 jerks at Tech Help
3 Error messages
2 web crashes And a post from a week ago.
For the sixth pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me 
6 disconnection's
5 frozen PM's
4 Jerks at Tech Help
3 error messages
2 web crashes And a post from a week ago.
For the seventh pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
7 hours with no mail
6 Disconnection's
5 frozen PM's
4 jerks at Tech Help
3 error messages
2 Web crashes And a post from a week ago.
For the eighth pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
8 channels not working
7 hours With no mail
6 disconnections
5 frozen PM's
4 jerks at Tech Help
3 Error messages
2 web crashes And a post from a week ago.
For the ninth pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
9 Dumb advertisements
8 channels Not working
7 hours with no mail
6 disconnections
5 frozen PM's
4 Jerks at Tech Help
3 error messages
2 web crashes And a post from a Week ago.
For The tenth pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
10 propositions
9 Dumb Advertisements
8 channels not working
7 hours with no mail
6 Disconnection's
5 frozen PM's
4 jerks at Tech Help
3 error messages
2 Web crashes And a post from a week ago
For the eleventh pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
11 pieces of Spam
10 Propositions
9 Dumb advertisements
8 channels not working
7 hours With no mail
6 Disconnection's
5 frozen PM's
4 jerks at Tech Help
3 error messages
2 web crashes And a post from a week ago.
For the twelfth pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
12 reasons to unsubscribe.

99-
My Dear Family and Friends
With Christmas almost upon us, I'd like to extend my heartfelt appreciation to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards or FW" e mails over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy.....Anxious, depressed, scared shitless, and at times losing the will to live.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every beer can I open, for the same reason.
Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can remove toilet stains, rot your teeth, clean rusting metal. And. when mixed, has the power to blow itself and a few mints 15 feet up into the air, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic......( Although nobody warned me that eating said "sweeties" and drinking coke at the same time, would possibly result in instant decapitation)???....odd.
I no longer check the coin return slots on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorant aerosols, ozone damaging deodorant roll on's, or anything like that, even though I smell like an elderly dog on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a cologne sample and rob me.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, beaks or feathers, who live a permanently dark world of suffering. In fact the meat is so full of growth hormones, that after eating the equivalent of only 2 bargain buckets, I could have tits bigger that my missus.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have, at least, 3,214 angels looking out for me. But if I didn't forward this e mail to at least ten people within the next hour, then I would be doomed to a life of poverty, misery, and bad luck. (Well at least that one was true)
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. So far. No result. I assume he's busy with the impending birth of his son, and it being Christmas and all.
I cant get out my car anymore if I see a piece of paper has stuck on my rear screen, because when I do, somebody is going to jump into my car, and drive off in it. This must be true because its happening in London and Manchester, said the e mail from the "Top Cop"......In Strathclyde, Scotland. !!
I no longer eat apples since the "urgent" e mail you sent, telling me that the pips contained cyanide. Although, I do thank you for for warning me in the same mail that, you had heard from a "friend of a friend" that banana's would be extinct in ten years. You will be pleased to know that I have a good few years supply now stashed in my fridge, just in case the prediction could be true.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the Internet called Amanda Bundy, who is, still, about to die in hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all, in fact.....But all that will change shortly, once I receive the £15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me, that I will now return the favour!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 2 fucking minutes, a very large pigeon with a chronic case of diahorrea will fly, nay hover, above your gullible head at 4:00PM tomorrow afternoon and bury you in a large mound of avian shite.... I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's hairdresser.
Oh. And a Merry Christmas!

100-
There was a woman out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable and hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, this woman finally made it to the elevator with her two kids. She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year: Overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sends us a card. Finally the elevator doors opened--there was already a crowd in the car. This woman pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her along with all her bags of stuff. When the doors closed, she couldn't take it anymore and said out loud, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be arrested and strung up!" From the back of the elevator, a quiet calm voice responded, "Don't worry ma'am, I believe they crucified Him."

101-
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian."

102-
Santa Letter Generator 
Kids! Too busy to sit down and write an old-fashioned letter to Santa? Have no fear! This handy-dandy interweb doo-da can do the heavy lifting for you!
Dear...... [Santa Claus] [Saint Nicolas] [Father Christmas] [Pagan Troll] [Obese Trespassing Altruist] [Satan Claus - Devourer of Children's Souls],
This year, I have been a very...... [good] [bad] [materialistic] [passive aggressive] [manipulative] [Ritalin-addled] little...... [boy][girl] [TV watcher] [advertising tampon]. I have...... [not] [sometimes] [compulsively] ...... [lied] [cheated] [embezzled] [pillaged] [murdered], and I have...... [always] [often] [rarely] [never] helped my...... [mummy] [daddy] [grandma] [grandpa] [brother] [sister] [mummy's "special friend"] [other daddy] with their...... [chores] [homework] [taxes] [pyramid schemes] [colostomy bag]. And I always say thank you, which makes me...... [nice] [polite] [seem like I care] and so I deserve lots of...... [love] [presents] [blank checks] [age-inappropriate pants] this year!
Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mummy, please bring...... [perfume] [earrings] [Valium] [fruit leather panties] [the onset of menopause] [daddy's testicles in a vice]. For my daddy, please bring a new......[neck tie] [razor] [money clip] [dead- end job] [Rogaine prescription] [topaz-studded ass plug]. For my...... [big] [little]...... [brother] [sister], please bring......[a soccer ball] [fingernail polish] [Legos] [GI Joe] [Barbie] [methadone] [Newport Lights 100's] [a diaphragm] [a subscription to Guns & Ammo]. For my...... [doggy] [hamster] [ferret], please bring...... [a chew toy] [a cableknit sweater] [kibble] [breath mints] [a homeopathic heartworm remedy] [non-surgical sterilization]. Oh - and for my...... [baby sitter] [mail man] [cleaning lady] [pool boy] [case worker], please bring some...... [fruit cake] [coupons] [worthless tchotchkes] [work ethic].
Now about me! Please bring me all of the...... [Harry Potter] [Scooby Doo] [Spider Man] [Star Wars] [Spongebob Squarepants] [Anna Nicole Smith]...... [action figures] [videos] [breakfast cereal] [pajamas] [sheets] [beer coozies] [toilet paper], and front row tickets to...... [Eminem] [Britney Spears] [Aaron Carter] [Mary-Kate and Ashley] [GWAR] [Philip Glass] - plus backstage passes so I can get...... [autographs] [behind the scenes] [coked up] [airborne chlamydia]! Oh, and please don't forget to bring my...... [pool] [go-kart] [jet-ski] [pony] [Lamborghini Diablo VT 6.0] [amputee Afghan orphan]. But if you can't, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just...... [$100] [$1000] [$10,000] [$100,000] [$1,000,000] [$10,000,000] [$100,000,000]! Anyway, I hope you like the...... [cookies] [cake] [pudding] [Jell-O] [meatloaf] [cognac] [eight-ball] I left out for you.
[Love],[Sincerely],[Yours],[Breathlessly], [ insert name here ]
PS: Please say...... [hi] [hello] [Merry Christmas] to...... [Rudolph] [Mrs. Claus] [the baby Jesus] [Ralph, the heartless Elfin slavemaster].
PPS: Oh yeah, and remember [insert name here]? [He] [She] has been a really...... [naughty] [selfish] [corrupt] [perverted] [homicidal]...... [dork] [weener] [cry-baby] [coprophile] [vivisection] hobbyist all year long and doesn't deserve any Christmas presents. So please don't forget to put...... [coal] [sticks] [homework] [dog shit] [ebola] in their stocking.

103-
Why Women Would Love Being Santa Claus ...
You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
You could grow a gut the size of Fat Albert's and consider it a job requirement.
One big black belt - accessorized for life!
There'd be no reason to have your colours done.
Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
Should people suggest your belly jiggled... that is when you giggled...like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
You'd always work in sensible footwear.
There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty 'Ho! Ho! Ho!', would remind everyone who's boss.
You wouldn't need an expensive briefcase.
No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
Never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip showing.
No more trips to the vending machine... you'd just snack on milk and cookies all day.
You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap.
You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.
You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
No one would ask to see your job description.
Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not pout.

104-
To My Democratic Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wish.

To My Republican Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! 

105-
Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.

106-
Gauging the Festivity Level of your Christmas Party
* Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvre.
* Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvre.
* Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvre in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them.
* Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvre smeared all over their naked bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is eggnog spiked with grain alcohol.

107-
A Doggy Wonderland
Dog tags ring, are you listenin'? 
In the lane, snow is glistenin'. 
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight, 
Marking up my winter wonderland. 

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance. 
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;  
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty! 
Marked up as my winter wonderland." 

In the meadow dad will build a snowman, 
following the classical design. 
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man, 
So all the world will know it's  mine-mine-mine! 

Straight from me to the fencepost, 
flows my natural incense boast; 
"Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth, 
I mark it as my winter wonderland. 

108-
EBONICS X-MAS
'Twas da night befo' Christmas & all in the hood,
Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.
The tube socks was hung on the window sill
and we all had smiles up on our grill.
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib
in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.
And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine,
had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.

All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by,
Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly.
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'
'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!
well anyway....

I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!
She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.
I said, for real doe, come check dis out.

We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt.
Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.

Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat
I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,
"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"
To the top of the projects & across the strip mall,
We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"

He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof,
and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.

I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"
he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings
a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat,
and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.

I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
he said,"You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.

He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side.
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,
To tap that booty waitin' at home.

And all I heard as he cruised outta sight,
was a loud and hearty.....
"WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"

109-
I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own. Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw open the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits. The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them through the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body. I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door. As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste. "Oh yes", I say to you, I must say Grace "Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen"

110-
Subject: It's Chriiiiiiiiiiistmas!!! (the time that every Santa has a ball)
... blah ... blah ... green agenda ... blah ... blah ... save trees ...blah ... blah ... Christmas cards ... blah ... blah ...bumhug

To wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, please find mince pies in the kitchen.
They were hand-picked at dawn from a sustainable plantation of organic Mince Pie bushes, located near the pit-head of Ken Dodd's Jam Butty mines, and therefore no carbon footprints were used in their making. In addition (an improvement on last year), they were planted in soil enriched with negative calories, meaning -- for those that care about such things -- that you'll actually lose weight as you eat them!
Enjoy.

111-
Greetings. I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting, but it is difficult to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with lawyers yesterday, and on their advice I wish to say the following: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. 
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that England is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. 
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. 
Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.

112-
We Three Queens!
Do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? 
They would have asked directions, Arrived on time, Helped deliver the baby, Cleaned the stable, Made a casserole, Brought practical gifts and There would be Peace On Earth. 
BUT READ ON . . . . . 
Cute, but do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Gay Wise Men ? 
* They would have done a fabulous parade towards the big "B" in full auburn/gold sequined gowns to match the low "Star of Bethlehem" lighting. 
* Arrived early. 
* Helped deliver the baby AND dressed it up in a gorgeous buttercream- coloured 100% cotton throw. 
* Cleaned the stable AND redecorated it in a "western" theme to match the animals. 
* Would not have made a casserole but a flawless entree of Chilean sea bass dusted in cocoa powder with Guatemalan mangoes in a light chutney mix, mashed potatoes with a light cream fennel sauce and Anjou pears with yoghurt cream cheese and Grand Marnier swirls, topped off with a caff/half caff cappuccino con panna . 
* The practical gifts would have included items from the new Martha Stewart Living collection. 
* Peace? How can you have peace when the entire night just screams for a drag number? 

113-
Twas the night before Christmas
And naughty girl I
Went to offer my Santa
Some sweet honey pie

I knew he couldn't
Resist this sweet treat
I know for a fact
Tis his fave thing to eat

So I put on my stockings
My heels and my lipstick
And asked him to show me
Where he keeps his dipstick.

I went down on my knees
And unzipped his fly
Then sucked his cock down
In the blink of an eye.

He moaned and he whimpered
As my tongue stroked his sac
He said this is better than all
The toys in my pack!

His hands held my head
As I continued to blow
Then he laid me down quickly
And put his tongue down below

He was sure and so lively
He made me scream and then beg
As he sucked on my clit
And pinned down my legs.

You're mine, you bad girl
He said with a spank
Then rolled me onto my stomach
Deep inside me he sank

He rode me so hard
I knew when he came
Because he panted, then shouted
And called me by name.

He fucked me all night
And without any warning
He tied me to the bed
And shagged me til morning.

I am sure that the rest
Of the story is clear
You and I will be renting
That suit again next year!

114-
Zikes! What a year! Joseph forgot to make reservations at the Bethlehem Inn (his carpentry projects aren't the only thing made out of wood!). So they stick us in this stable full of stale hay and stinking animals and guess what??? I go right into labour. My OB doc said: "Make the trip." Anyway, we have a new baby boy that we think is truly special. But it's been a madhouse ever since! First, we can't agree on a name. Joseph likes Immanuel; I'm holding out for Jesus. Next, all these shepherds stop by to gawk (as if the smell wasn't bad enough). At least those three camel jockeys brought gifts (ever try to exchange myrrh without a receipt?) We can't get a good night's sleep with that stupid star shining through the cracks in the ceiling, and every store in town is sold out of swaddling. Well, got to go! Joseph had another one of his goofy visions so I guess we're off to Egypt. This time, I make the reservations!
All my love,
Mary

115-
Tired of making resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.
7. Get in a whole NEW rut!
8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.
9. Don't eat cloned meat.
10. Create loose ends.
11. Get more toys.
12. Get further in debt.
13. Don't believe politicians.
14. Break at least one traffic law.
15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
17. Associate with even worse business clients.
18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
19. Wait around for opportunity.
20. Focus on the faults of others.
21. Mope about faults.
22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

116-
New Year's Resolutions For Him & Her [Him (Y) / Her (X)]
X - Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Y - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)
X - ONLY - one chocolate bar per week
Y - ONLY - three nights at topless bar per week
X - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Y - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote
X - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Y - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalogue mailing list
X - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Y - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing
X - Get organized/clean house
Y - Give old Penthouse mags to charity (or younger brother)
X - Buy new Daily Planner
Y - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture
X - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Y - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance
X - Read More / Less TV
Y - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!
X - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Y - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER
X - Plan budget / Save more money
Y - Only three nights at topless bar per week

117-
Just a quick note to say Happy Easter from all of us at Mirfield Alzheimers Society and all the best for 1984!

118-
The Reality of New Year's Resolutions 
As we all start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year's Resolutions. I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven't been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year after year. Following is my revised list of "New Year's Resolutions - 2008 Edition": 

Resolution #1 
2005: I will try to be a better husband to Marge. 
2006: I will not leave Marge. 
2007: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge. 
2008: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda. 

Resolution #2 
2005: I will go to church every Sunday. 
2006: I will go to church as often as possible. 
2007: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation. 
2008: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV. 

Resolution #3 
2005: I will not let my boss push me around. 
2006: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide. 
2007: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me. 
2008: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss. 

Resolution #4 
2005: I will read at least 20 good books a year. 
2006: I will read at least 10 books a year. 
2007: I will read 5 books a year. 
2008: I will finish Airport. 

Resolution #5 
2005: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness. 
2006: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee. 
2007: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle. 
2008: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam. 

Resolution #6 
2005: I will get my weight down below 180. 
2006: I will watch my calories until I get below 190. 
2007: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200. 
2008: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight. 

Resolution #7 
2005: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m. 
2006: I will not touch the bottle before noon. 
2007: I will not become a "problem drinker". 
2008 : I will not miss any AA meetings. 

119-
Imagine my joy when getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.
Such a pity it was a puppy 

120-
Next Year's News Predictions for 2008 
January: After paying five billion dollars for The Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch will reduce the size of the paper by removing the facts. 
February: Responding to the controversy over the CIAs' waterboarding videotapes, President Bush will reaffirm his administration's opposition to videotaping. 
March: As the writers strike drags on, Paramount will produce the second "Transformers" film without a script, just like they did with the first one. 
April: Monica Lewinsky will announce her candidacy for President of the United States. She will offer herself as an alternative to Hillary, saying, "It worked before." 
May: Attempting to bolster flagging enlistment rates, the Army will change its recruitment slogan from "Army Strong" to "I Can't Believe It's Not a Civil War." 
June: Population experts will warn that the world's population will soar in 2008, largely due to the Spears sisters. 
July: China will send a new brand of rat poison to the United States under the name "Delicious Cupcakes." 
August: Sen. Edward Kennedy will abandon plans to write his memoirs, explaining, "I can't even remember what I did last night." 
September: At the Republican National Convention, G. O. P. nominee Mike Huckabee will select Jesus Christ as his running mate. 
October: O. J. Simpson will be convicted in Las Vegas, proving that it is easier to get away with murder than stealing sports memorabilia. 
November: President-elect Michael Bloomberg will defend the five-billion-dollar cost of his campaign, arguing, "Rupert Murdoch paid that much for The Wall Street Journal, and I get a whole country." 
December: In his last official act, President Bush will announce an exit strategy from Iraq. The President will withdraw all U. S. troops - through Iran. 

121-
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

122-
Did you hear about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer? He could run as fast as Rudolph, he just couldn't stop as fast.

123-
A kid sees his mate on the first day back at school after Christmas. "Did you have a good Christmas?" he said.
"Yea, you know that air rifle I wanted? I got it. How about you?"
"Well, I woke up, and there was a long box on the end of my bed. It was an air rifle just like yours except it's a .22 with telescopic sights. And as I got out of bed, I stood on a massive parcel containing a Hornby train set of the entire British railway system, points, platforms, shunters, the lot. And then I was just about to open it, when I saw a Rolex watch on my bedside table, so I put it on, got my air rifle, and opened my door. In the corridor was a brand new Olympic, carbon fibre racing bike, weighs less than 2lbs.... so I've got my watch, my rifle and my bike, and I opened the front door to find a miniature Aston Martin DB9 cabriolet in the driveway, absolutely fantastic, 4 forward gears, 1 reverse, goes 47 MPH... I had the best Christmas I've ever had." He ended, breathlessly.
Looking rather downcast, the other kid said "Wish I had leukemia." 

124-
My kids came home from school the other day and asked 'Daddy, how come the other kids at school leave milk and cookies out for Father Christmas on Christmas Eve, and we leave a chicken vindaloo and 6 cans of Special Brew?'

125-
Christmas weather report
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

126-
Credit’s crunching
Times are hard
Here’s your cheapo
Christmas card

127-
I just love poetry…
I get this poem every winter & every winter I love re-reading it.  It's a beautiful poem and very well written.  Thought it might be a comfort to you, it was to me.
ENJOY!                
                                                                                   
                                                                                        Winter 
                   
                                                                                    Fuck it's cold

128-
A chavvy Christmas: Mary and Joe turn burglars in school's Nativity study
It is the time of year for following yonder star. A stable all forlorn. And a mother and a baby.
But Mary and Joe breaking into a garage in 'Beflehem' after she 'gets up the duff'? That apparently, is the storyline in the so-called 'Chav Nativity Play'.
It was handed to pupils at Oakwood School in Bexley, South-East London to study in a drama lesson on uses of language.

129-
Why does Santa wear red underwear?
He's a man.
He did all his laundry in one load. 

130-
Hi there bollocks, merry bastard, Christmas and a fucking cock, shit, fanny, cunting happy prick new year. From all your friends at the Tourettes awareness association................You cunt!

131-
I believe Santa Claus has to be Gay! If you're not sure, look at some of these examples:
Christmas is a big, well organized, fully catered, decorated, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social beverage deal, and I have a tough time believing a straight man could possibly pull it all off!
"Fairy lights". What about those over-the-top decorations? A straight man cannot even organize a matching shirt and tie!
Straight men have day jobs, so they wouldn't have time to stand at the local shopping malls and ring a bell all day. But if you're a Gay, out-of-work Actor/ Dancer/Waiter, it's the perfect gig until you get your big break. Also, if Santa was straight, he would have picked an animal much more masculine than the reindeer to get him around, like horses or oxen, but the reindeer just happen to appeal to Santa's inherent sense of grace and beauty.
Speaking of masculine, my dear, what about those names for the reindeer? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen? You fill in the blanks.
Mrs. Claus has been married to him for eons yet he's never ever fathered a child with her. She's over-weight and still content. Why I hear you ask? Can you say "Fag-hag"?
Ever thought about the Rudolph story? He's Gay too! Come on, you have thought about it too. "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games." As if he wanted to. Besides, isn't Rudolph really only a metaphor for the Gay child living in a straight society anyway?
Ever ask yourself why fruitcake is the traditional dessert at Christmas time? Well, now you know. And stop pretending you don't like it. Deep down inside, you've always liked fruitcake.
Look at the size of the bag he packs for a one-night trip!
And his outfit?? Red velvet with a white, fur collar? Black, knee high boots and a thick black patent leather belt. Just the attire all straight men rush to buy!
Darling, just think about it!!! Physically, he's a dream come true for the Chubby Chaser Club and the perfect "Bear" poster child.
Also, with his love of giving gifts, Santa's the perfect Sugar Daddy for all those old sad aging queens who don't like to work!
Which straight man has ever thought of using "stockings" to hide their candy?

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Night Befo Crizzmus
Wus da night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru da hood, everybody be sleepin' and da sleepin' be good. We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck, dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our checks.
All of da family, was ly'in on the flow, my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe. Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it must be da law".
I pulled the sheet off da windoe and what I'ze could see,
I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrent fo' me. But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat" dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats.
Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white, but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un' tonight. Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came, and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.
On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too. Obama landed dat melon, right there in da street, I knowed it fo' sho', - can you believe that Sh'eet!.
Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked da lock on my doe, an I sez to myself, "Son o' bitch... he don did dis befoe"! He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck? Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.
But he left me no presents, just started stealin my shit. He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit. Den, wif my crap in his bag, out da windoe he flew, I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.
He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch, and waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a bitch". So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git, 'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a shit !!!

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A married man walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all he wants for Christmas is for his wife to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give him a bottle of pills. He tells him to give them a try and then let him know how they work. 
So he takes the pills home and puts one pill in her Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for an hour. The next day, he's so thrilled! "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," he thinks to himself.
That night he puts two pills in her food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, he's even more thrilled, so he dumps all the pills in her food.
Two weeks go by without a word from this man, so Santa decides to give him a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your dad home?" "No, he's... who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your dad's and I gave him some pills to help him out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?" "That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you something -- Dad's lying on the ground holding his groin, the UPS man won't deliver Christmas presents to our house, and Mom's stalking the produce man at the grocery store!' 

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Dear All,
I regret to inform you that Santa Claus will not be delivering presents on Christmas Eve. 
Last year, we offered the manufacturing of presents and running of the Elves factory to tender, and after a successful process we were delighted to bring Capita on board as our strategic partner. We are disappointed however to announce that cost overruns and delays have meant that only 62% of presents are ready and we are having to delay the delivery of presents until July 3rd at the earliest. This is, of course, unless the good girls and boys are merely asking for their SATS results as we have no idea when the Government will have them ready by.
Furthermore we have to take advice from the Police who are very concerned about someone bringing in goods to the country without being searched, or stating his business at customs. It is quite likely that he will take bottles of liquid in his sleigh and as everyone knows this is not allowed due to terrorism fears.
We are extremely concerned that Santa Claus creeps into children's bedrooms at night and he has not been CRB checked. Furthermore, we have had information that Santa Claus drinks alcohol while delivering presents and it is unacceptable that this is allowed. Therefore we have instructed the RAF to breathalyse him if he is detected in UK airspace on Christmas Eve.
We apologise for any inconvenience caused.
Jacqui Smith
Home Secretary

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Tequila Cookies Recipe
1 cup dark brown sugar 
1 cup (two sticks) butter 
1 cup granulated sugar 
4 large eggs 
2 cups dried fruit (dried cranberries or raisins) 
1 teaspoon baking soda 
1 teaspoon salt 
1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice 
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans 
2 cups all purpose flour 
1 liter bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired) 
First, sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl. Check the Cuervo to be sure It is of the highest quality. Pour another 4 ounces in a measuring cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of the butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK. Try another 4 ounces, just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, picking the stupid fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt or shomething. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher. 
Cherry Mistmas

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Dearest Father Christmas, have you had a pleasant year?
You must be getting busy now that time is nearly here
I thought I'd write a letter (which I never norm'ly do)
In the hope that you can help me out and make my dreams come true
I don't want to sound ungrateful for your efforts all these years
But your choice of pressies sometimes left me fighting off the tears.
So this year, Father Christmas, when you pick the gift for me,
Can you please leave something vaguely useful underneath my tree?
So for example Santa Claus, I'll take the chance to warn
That I'd never wear an aftershave named Thrust or Ram or Horn
And when I see, beneath the tree, a shiny ribboned box
I don't expect the contents to be pink and yellow socks.
Or a car wash kit with chamois, wax and stuff to make it glisten,
And what the hell's with talcum powder? Don't you ever listen?
A pair of pants. That's super, thanks I'll nip upstairs and try 'em
(If I'd needed sodding underpants, don't you think I'd buy 'em?)
And another thing now Santa, could you maybe tell me why
You think I'd make a good impression in a Homer Simpson tie?
Or be pleased with cufflinks, handkerchiefs: why ever did you reckon
I was after twenty razor blades as used by David Beckham?
I know you know that JD is my favourite of tipples
Yet my stocking seems to hold a box of mini chocolate nipples.
And from Waterstones, a little something someone thought was funny:
"The little book of female wisdom." Waste of fucking money...
So this year Father Christmas, I'll attempt to make it clear.
I'll accept a crate of Kronenburg (or other premium beer)
A pack of fags would go down well and would avoid my scorn
But Santa, if you're still not sure, just give me loads of porn! 

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After serious & cautious consideration..... your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2009! 
It was a very hard decision to make. So try not to screw it up!!! 

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Season of good will, my arse!
My niece won't play Twister till I put some underpants on.

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To make a point, I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow as a Christmas present this year.
I've just phoned her up and said, "Right, did you get my drift?" 

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I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my new years resolution.
1024x768. 

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The Reality of New Year's Resolutions 
As we all start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year's Resolutions. I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven't been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year after year. Following is my revised list of "New Year's Resolutions

Resolution #1
2005: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2006: I will not leave Marge.
2007: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2008: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #2
2005: I will go to church every Sunday.
2006: I will go to church as often as possible.
2007: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2008: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

Resolution #3
2005: I will not let my boss push me around.
2006: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2007: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2008: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4
2005: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2006: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2007: I will read 5 books a year.
2008: I will finish Airport.

Resolution #5
2005: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness.
2006: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee.
2007: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.
2008: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.

Resolution #6
2005: I will get my weight down below 180.
2006: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2007: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2008: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7
2005: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p. m.
2006: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2007: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2008 : I will not miss any AA meetings.

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Okay, busy afternoon - it's confusing: I've had a few pints and I'm forgetting which website I'm on. I've got a porno downloading, a game about a catapulting hedgehog loaded up and I'm writing my email Christmas "Thank Yous" to my grandparents, and now I'm here as I've thought of a brilliant joke about incest.
So, where am I - oh yeah...
Thanks so much for the jumper and aftershave, it was just what I wanted.

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On New Years Eve my girlfriend said to me, "as of tomorrow it will be a new year, a fresh start, where everything before will be forgotten."
So I punched her in the face and shagged her sister.

144-
Zikes! What a year! Joseph forgot to make reservations at the Bethlehem Inn (his carpentry projects aren't the only thing made out of wood!). So they stick us in this stable full of stale hay and stinking animals and guess what??? I go right into labour. My OB doc said: "Make the trip." Anyway, we have a new baby boy that we think is truly special. But it's been a madhouse ever since! First, we can't agree on a name. Joseph likes Immanuel; I'm holding out for Jesus. Next, all these shepherds stop by to gawk (as if the smell wasn't bad enough). At least those three camel jockeys brought gifts (ever try to exchange myrrh without a receipt?) We can't get a good night's sleep with that stupid star shining through the cracks in the ceiling, and every store in town is sold out of swaddling. Well, got to go! Joseph had another one of his goofy visions so I guess we're off to Egypt. This time, I make the reservations!
All my love, Mary

145-
My uncle hanged himself on Christmas Eve but, of course, being a traditional family we didn't take him down till the sixth.

146-
Just a quick message before the network gets jammed and I get too drunk. Happy Easter from all of us at the Alzheimers Society and all the best for 1989 x x x

147-
Marks And Spencers new advert states that it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S.
They're right too. It'd be Chrita.

148
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me:
Twelve Drummers Drumming
Eleven Pipers Piping
Ten Lords a Leaping
Nine Ladies Dancing
Eight Maids a Milking
Seven Swans a Swimming
Six Geese a Laying
Five Golden Rings
Four Calling Birds
Three French Hens
Two Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree........................
All I fucking wanted was a blowjob.

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Early Christmas Greetings
You have been chosen to receive the blessing of the Snow Fairy.
The Snow Fairy can bring you good fortune for one whole year.
May YOU be blessed by his good deeds.....

You must pass the Snow Fairy to 7 people within 60 seconds to receive your one year blessing....
HURRY!

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HOW does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? Deep-pan, crisp and even.

151
Signs Santa is Sick of Christmas
Now relies on a quick Google image search to see if you've been naughty.
Good, bad or on the fence - everyone gets an AOL CD in their stocking this year.
I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Yadda, yadda, yadda...."
Sticker on sleigh: "How's my flying? Call 1-800-eat-sugarplums"
Former "Naughty/Nice" databases merged into a single "Whatever" database.
Turns Ms. Claus out to work the corner next to the Salvation Army bell ringers.
At midnight on Christmas Eve, gift certificates to Amazon. com magically appear in the email in boxes of good girls and boys.
New policy this year: Only strippers allowed on his lap.
Hey, kid - them brown lumps in your stocking ain't coal!
On his personal Christmas list: A George Foreman Grill and "The Ultimate Reindeer Cookbook."
He's assigned numbers to all the countries on Earth and is doing the odd ones this year and the even ones next year.
This year's #1 stocking stuffers: Elf heads and Rudolph jerky.

152
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (CAJUN STYLE)
Day 1 Dear Emile, Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it las night with dirty rice an it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.
Day 2 Dear Emile, Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got was 2 scrawny pigeon. Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem.
Day 3 Dear Emile, Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem darned bird. I gave two of those prissy French chicken to Mrs. Fontenot over at Grand Chenier, and fed the tird one to my dog, Phideaux. Mrs. Fontenot needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster.
Day 4 Dear Emile, Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez four, what you call "calling bird" wuz so noisy you could hear dem all da' way to Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed the rest of dem to the gators.
Day 5 Dear Emile, You finally sent something useful. I liked dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da' pawn shop in Sulphur and got enough money to fix the shaft on my shrimp boat, and to buy a round for da boys at the Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!
Day 6 Dear Emile, Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor egg sucking Phideaux is scared to death ah dem six goose. He try to eat they eggs and they pecked the heck out ah his snout. Dem goose are damm good at eating cockroach around da' house, though. I may stuff one ah dem goose with erster dressing to serve him on Christmas Day.
Day 7 Dear Emile, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Ole Boudreaux, da mailman, is ready to kill you, too. The crap from all dem bird is stinkin up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and gonna sue him. I let dem seven swan loose to swim on da bayou and some stupid duck hunter from Mississippi done blasted dem out da water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Day 8 Dear Emile, Poor ole Boudreaux had to make 3 trips on his mail- boat to deliver dem 8 maids-a-milking & der cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me. I told dem to get to work gutting fish and sweeping my shack--but dey say it wasn't in their contract. They probably tink they too good to skin all dem nutria I caught las night.
Day 9 Dear Emile, What you trying to do? Boudreaux had to borrow da Cameron Ferry to carry these jumping twits you call lords-a- leaping across da bayou. As soon as dey got here dey wanted a tea break and crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, "Well la di da. You get Chicory coffee or nuthin." Mon Dieux, Emile, what I'm gonna feed all these bozos? They too snooty for fried nutria, and da cow ate up all my turnip green.
Day 10 Dear Emile, You got to be out of you mind. If da mailman don't kill you, I will. Today he deliver 10 half nekkid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said they be "ladies dancing" but they doan act like ladies in front of dem Limey sailing boys. Dey almost left after one of them got bit by a water moccasin over by my out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde (everybody) and get toilet paper rolls. The Sears catalog wasn't good enough for dem hoity toity lords. Talk at you tomorrow.
Day 11 Dear Emile, Where Y'at? Cherio and pip pip. You 11 Pipers Piping arrived today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jumbalaya, finished da whiskey, and we're having a fais-do-do. Da' new mailman drank a bottle of Jack Daniel, and he's having a good old time dancing with the floozies. Da' old mailman done jump off the Moss Bluff Bridge yesterday, screaming you name. If you happen to get a mysterious-looking, ticking package in da mail, don't open it.
Day 12 Dear Emile, Me I'm sorry to tell you--but I am not your true love anymore. After the fais-do-do, I spent da night with Jacques, the head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentlemen's club on the bayou. The floozies--pardon me--ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and the lords can be the waiters and valet park da boats. Since da' maids have no more cows to milk, I trained dem to set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, and run my shrimping business. We'll probably gross a million dollars next year.

153-
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours; I can't stop to rest.
This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered; I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door and the telephones ringing
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had alI I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret.....
Says "What's taking so long, aren't you through in here yet ??"

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn, it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell.
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead?
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.

Lord, don't get me wrong; I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, if I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!

154-
Well, there is good news and bad news about my Christmas decorations.
The good news is that I truly outdid myself this year.
The bad news is that I had to take them down after only two days.
I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.
First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.
Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the ladder and almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy).
She was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tyre tracks where people literally drove up my yard.
I think I made him too real this time . But it was fun while it lasted.

155-
Christmas in heaven is going to be great this year!
Patrick Swayze is doing the dancing,
Farah Fawcett is playing the angel,
Stephen Gately (Boyzone) is singing carols around the tree,
Keith Floyd is serving up a fantastic dinner, and
Michael Jackson will be looking after the kids.

156-
Always remember as the season of goodwill approaches that someone special is out there thinking of you and appreciates you for the impact you've made in their life .....
..... It's not me - I think you're a twat !!

157-
 There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me. What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas? This week, I found out. From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.

-The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.
-Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
-Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.-
-The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.
-The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.
-The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.
-Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit--Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.
-The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.
-Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit--Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.
-The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.
-The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.
-The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed. So there is your history for today. This knowledge was shared with me and I found it interesting and enlightening and now I know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol... so pass it on if you wish.' Merry Christmas Everyone.

158-

159-
The thing you have to remember about biblical stories like The Nativity is that they were written a bloody long time ago and have been translated over and over again. Things get lost in translation and language is constantly evolving. But, if you can work out the basic-original story, it actually becomes more believable and makes a lot more sense.
The first thing to note is that Nazareth is a very old name, and place names evolve over time. Added to this is the confusion in the original Aramaic text caused by the lack of reliable and complete world maps at the time.

--------------------------------- The Five Minute Nativity (Christmas uncovered in just 5 minutes)
It may surprise you to know that the town known as Nazareth 2,000 years ago was actually in the Northern hemisphere and was in fact the small Cheshire town nowadays known as Northwich! (Bethlehem actually turns out to be an old Anglo-Saxon term meaning "A bit of a shit-hole". This too has been closely linked with Northwich).
So we have this character Joseph (a Jewish Joiner) who has travelled for days with his pregnant "girlfriend" to Northwich because the law at the time said you had to go to your local administrative centre in person once every couple of years for a "Tax Assessment". (There was no self-assessment in those days). The arduous journey had taken several days because the M56 had not been built yet, due to the fact that the motor car had yet to be invented and the Irish were still in Ireland so there would have been nobody to build motorways anyway.
It was quite a schlep from Joe's home in the little town of Galilee (now known as Prestwich*), north of Manchester, and they were doing it on foot. (*Leprosy has now almost been eradicated in Prestwich, unfortunately the Pox has not.)
The modern bible mentions a Donkey but this is believed by many Theologians and Scholars to be a misunderstanding due to a corruption of the term 'Shanks's Pony' (A clever Irish term, to do with a bloke called Shanks who didn't have a pony. Thankfully the invention of TV and Instant Mashed Potato eventually gave the Irish better things to do with their time than make up silly-arsed phrases).
In truth poor old Joe and his pregnant bint had to leg-it from the arse-end of Salford all the way to Northwich through the dangerous badlands of Manchester's "Ye Olde Gaye-Village", then through the wilderness of Fallowfield and the fetid swamp of Wythenshawe, avoiding arse-bandits and Roman 'Chaviots' along the way.
It is possible that they travelled as part of a 'caravan' of people for safety but this may be a misinterpretation of some early scriptures mentioning the long-standing Pikey camp in Cheetham Hill where Joe and his slapper may well have weighed in a bit of scrap to allow them to buy a couple of bottles of Thunderbird before setting off on their journey.
At the time Northwich was the administrative centre for all of North Cheshire, so huge numbers of people had travelled from all over the region (except Warrington, because even then it was full of tax-dodging petty criminals) to get assessed before the deadline. The place was heaving with people from as far away as Grusome-ium (the Roman name for Stoke, often mistaken as meaning Jerusalem) and the Gaza Strip (that's the bit between Warrington and Runcorn; owned at the time by Gary Herod, known to his friends as King Gaza).
After searching the town for a hotel room Joe finally did a deal for him and his "fuck-buddy" Mary to kip in a shit-shed at the back of a pub in the town centre, in exchange for him fitting a security bolt to the door to stop itinerant shepherds from dossing-down in the hay free of charge (or cottaging with sheep).
The pub was called 'The Punctilious Pillock' and this has now been generally accepted as the origin of the comically named Pontious Pilot. (It had long been thought that Pontious Pilot wasn't a credible Roman name of the period, due to the inescapable fact that Rome had absolutely no Airforce at the time.)
The following day, Joe went to see the Taxman....
Now, in a terrible bit of blatant racial stereotyping, Joe the joiner was known to his friends as a man who was "careful with money". To everybody else he was "as tight as a Gnat's Chuff!" Despite the fact that everybody knows how joiners coin it in, Joe told the taxman he was "pot-less" (as in not even being able to afford a pot to piss in). "I haven't got two shekels to rub together, yurrona!" he said "I'm right on my arse!"
Some theologians believe that his use of the phrase "I'm on my arse" was also responsible for the addition of a donkey (or Ass) into the story but I think we can dismiss this as bunkum, because only an American would have said "Ass" instead of "Arse". And as we all know this all happened a long time before the time when Colonel Sanders actually discovered America.
So, let's get back to Joe in the tax office.
"Look, if I had any brass, do you think I would be kipping in a Potting Shed with my pregnant girlfriend at the back of the Punctilios Pillock Alehouse?" he said with conviction. "Have you tasted the Bitter in there? It's like eunuch piss!" "Ahh I see, so your girlfriend is pregnant?" Said the taxman, not missing a trick "So you're obviously earning enough to start a family?"
Thinking on his feet, Joe immediately went on the defensive. "Weeeellll to tell the truth guv'nor, and I wouldn't want this to be publicly known, it's not actually my kid." He said conspiratorially, hoping that the taxman would indulge in a little male empathy. "Y'see she tends to 'put it about a bit', if you know what I mean, and she was up the duff before I even met her. The lying bitch even claimed to be a virgin at the time! But the pickings are a bit slim in Gallilee when it comes to finding a girl who hasn't got leprosy or the pox* and the situation isn't helped by all them rich buggers from Didsbury and Wilmslow coming in and taking all the fit totty for themselves! Anyway she's good company, she doesn't mind taking it up the Greek, and she gives really good Gaul-Jobs!"
"So whose baby is it?" The taxman asked with a shrewd look in his eye.
"God knows!" said Joseph, thereby innocently starting a rumour that was to grow into a religion spanning three continents!** (**And at the same time creating the greatest ever challenge for the Child Support Agency).
N. B. Obviously this short piece cannot explain every facet of the Nativity story and for further in-depth explanations of other aspects of the parable you would have to read other authoritative texts such as "The Angel Gabriel - Messenger of God or just a Fly-Agaric in the Mushroom Soup?" or the more recent theological blockbuster "Three Wise Men In Cheshire? Are You Taking The Piss?

160-
I've just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
Although what the daft bugger wants with an ex-box I'll never know.

161-
Overheard in Asda this morning:
"Father Christmas doesn't bring presents to little girls who tell lies."
??????????????

162-
At Christmas, nothing says "I don't really give a fuck about you" like an e-card.

163-
New Year’s Resolutions You Can Keep ...
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Read less. Makes you think.
Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
Spend more time at work.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
Get in a whole NEW rut!
Personal goal: Bring back disco.
Buy a '73 Ford Capri and invest in a really loud stereo system.
Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
Get further in debt.
Break at least one traffic law.
Associate with even worse business clients.
Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
Wait around for opportunity.
Focus on the faults of others.
Mope about my faults.
Never make New Year's resolutions again.

164-
Stephen Hawking must be the easiest person in the world to buy Christmas presents for.
Batteries, every year.

165-
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Santa"
"Santa who?"
"Santander... We're repossessing your house because you haven't paid the mortgage".

166-
Santa Claus: One paedophile's lie that got way out of hand.

167-
I had just been in Tesco finishing my Christmas shopping. I had 3 trolleys full with shopping and drinks waiting to be served. when a little old lady came up behind me with only a pint of milk, I said "is that all you've got love" "yes" she replied, so I did the decent thing and told her "if I were you I would fuck off to another till. I’m going to be here ages".

168-
The first present I opened this Christmas was a pen knife. I was so excited, I used it to cut open all my other presents.
Shame about the puppy.

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