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Work

1-
A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job. During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says, "Yes, I fought over in Vietnam."
Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.
The guy says, "Yes, in Vietnam I blew my testicles off."
"Great!" responds the interviewer, "we give disabled Vet's preference. You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m."
"But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?" asks the guy.
"Yes, but you don't have to come in until 10...All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway!"

2-
Quotes From Actual Performance Evaluations
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

3-
The personnel director was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well dressed and well spoken. 
The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking. So the personnel director decided to be frank. "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put clients off." "I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I've got some on me." And he began emptying his pockets on the desk. The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up - ribbed ones, lubricated ones, flavoured ones, every variety imaginable. "Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are." He brandished two aspirin, swallowed them, and sure enough the wink went away in less than a minute. "So much for the wink," said the personnel manager sternly, gesturing at the mountain of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want the company represented by some wild womanizer." "No fear. I'm a happily married man." "So how can you account for the contents of your pockets?" "It's quite simple, sir," the fellow assured him earnestly. "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, winking like crazy, and asked for a bottle of aspirin?"

4-
Quotes From Actual Performance Evaluations - Part 2
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
8. Bright as Alaska in December.
9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
11. Fell out of the family tree.
12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
14. He's so dense, light bends around him.
15. If brains were taxed, she'd get a rebate.
16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
19. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
20. One neuron short of a synapse.
21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
22. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

5-
In the Beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
And the darkness was upon the face of the workers. 
And they spoke among themselves saying: "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their supervisors, and sayeth: "It is a pail of dung, and none can abide the odor Thereof"
And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, Such that none can abide it."
And the managers went unto the directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength." 
And the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong."
And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth to them, "It promotes growth, and is very powerful."
And the vice presidents went unto the president, and sayeth unto him, "This new plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of this company, and certain areas in particular."
And the president looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good.
And the plan became policy.
And this is how shit happens. 

6-
Career Choice
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" 
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" 
The graduate with a Media Studies degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" 

7-
The key to a successful sales career is sincerity. Once you’ve learned to fake that the rest is easy.

8-
In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink.
It had a single word on it, "THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "THOAP!"

9-
Carlos calls his boss in the morning: 
Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache my legs hurt I not come work. 
The boss says: 
You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that. 
2 hours later Carlos calls: 
Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon... 
And by the way, you got nice house.

10-
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
The CEO said with a worried expression, "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Sure," said the young executive, eager to gain points with the big wig. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Thank you so much!" said the CEO. "I need two copies."

11-
"Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer, then when she goes to get one out you'll get a great view of her arse."

12-
The worst Typo in the world 
This is a genuine e-mail from the main receptionist from Sun Microsystems, and went out to all corporate employees. 
To: All Corporate Employees 
Subject: Copier! 
Date: Thursday, July 24, 1999 12:48pm 
PLEASE PLEASE please please please - I am begging - keep any and all paper clips away from the copier! We have had two service calls in the last few days to remove paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier. PLEASE be really really really careful around the copier. Especially the document handler, which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner. Thanks for your help.

13-
It's time to find a new Job when ...
You wake up hung over. 
You have a black eye and barked knuckles. 
Your underwear is missing. 
You're in jail. 
Last night was the company Christmas party.

14-
HOW TO MESS UP AN INTERVIEW
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

15-
POLITICALLY CORRECT & NON POLITICALLY CORRECT LANGUAGE FOR THE OFFICE
PC: Perhaps I can work late.
NON PC: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
PC: I’m certain that it’s not feasible.
NON PC: No fucking way.
PC: Really?
NON PC: You’ve got to be shitting me.
PC: Perhaps you should check with....
NON PC: Tell someone who gives a shit.
PC: Of course I’m concerned
NON PC: Ask me if I give a shit.
PC: I wasn’t involved in that project.
NON PC: Its not my fucking problem.
PC: That’s interesting behavior.
NON PC: What the fuck?!?!
PC: I’m not sure I can implement this.
NON PC: Fuck it, it won’t work.
PC: I’ll try to schedule that.
NON PC: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?
PC: Are you sure this is a problem?
NON PC: Who the fuck cares?
PC: He’s not familiar with the problem.
NON PC: He’s got his head up his ass.
PC: Excuse me sir?
NON PC: Eat shit and die motherfucker.
PC: So you weren’t happy with it?
NON PC: Kiss my ass.
PC: I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.
NON PC: Fuck it, I’m on salary.
PC: I don’t think you understand.
NON PC: Shove it up your ass.
PC: I love a challenge.
NON PC: This job sucks.
PC: You want me to take care of that?
NON PC: Who the hell died and made you boss
PC: I see.
NON PC: Fuck me.
PC: Yes, we really should discuss it.
NON PC: Another fucking meeting!!!!
PC: I don’t think this will be a problem.
NON PC: I really don’t give a shit.
PC: He’s somewhat insensitive.
NON PC: He’s a fucking prick.
PC: She’s an aggressive go getter.
NON PC: She’s a ball busting bitch.
PC: I think you could use more training.
NON PC: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

16-
A man telephones his office and says, “Sorry, I can’t come into work today, I’m sick.”
“How sick are you?” asks his boss.
“Well,” he replies, “I’m in bed with my sister and her dog.”

17-
Company Policy 
Start with a cage containing five apes In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. 
After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result -all the apes are sprayed with cold water. 
Turn off the cold water. 
If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them. 
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. 
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. 
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. 
Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they weren't permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape. 
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. 
Why not? 
"Because that's the way it's always been around here." 
And that's how company policy begins. 

18-
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
"I should be in charge", said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".
"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".
"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story? You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

19-
10% of women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of women favour nudity.
45% of women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of women experienced anal sex
70% of women prefer sex in the morning
80% of men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of women have never experienced sex in the office.
CONCLUSION: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.
MORAL: Do not stay late at the office, nothing good can come of it!

20-
Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career. 

21-
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy. 

22-
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

23-
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. Just don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. 
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. 
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!" 

24-
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
At the second one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.
"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That’s more like it!", the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir", said the madam, gesturing to a fat woman in her fifties in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority." 

25-
Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I might have to kiss tomorrow... 

26-
Harry walks into work on Monday morning with a huge grin on his face. One of his co-workers says, "Why are you so happy?"
Harry says, "I went to Bingo for the first time in my life this weekend and I won a thousand quid"
A week later, Harry walks into work on Monday morning and he's skipping down the hall, high-fiving everyone. One of his co-workers says, "You win at Bingo again?"
Harry says, "No, no, it's better than that. I bought my first lottery ticket this past weekend and I won ten grand. I'm feeling so damn lucky that I think I'm going to ask that new Pakistani girl in Accounting out on a date."
The next Monday morning, Harry is doing cartwheels down the hall. One of the co-workers says, "Did you win another lottery?"
Harry says, "No, no, it's better than that. You know that Pakistani girl from Accounting I asked out? Well, we had a great time at dinner, so I invited her up to my apartment for drinks, we wind up in bed, and the next thing I know, she's giving me the best blowjob I ever had."
One of his co-workers says, "Man, are you frigging lucky."
Harry says, "No, no, it's better than that. She's blowing me, I look down, and you know that red dot on her forehead? I scratched it...and I won another ten grand." 

27-
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look...I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only...Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is......" 

28-
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. 
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. 
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999

29-
These quotes are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine. Note: all typos, etc... are intended.
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
7. It's best for employers that I not work with people.
8. Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
12. Marital Status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokeridge.
17. I procrastinate, especally when the task is unpleasant.
18. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
19. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
20. Instrumental is ruining entire organization for a Midwest Chain store.
21. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital Status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employess get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

30-
A bloke goes for the job of cook on a ship. The geezer who is interviewing asks “Can you fry eggs?”. “Can I fry eggs! I've worked in some of the top hotels in England“ replies the bloke... “Give me half a dozen”. So he's given six eggs which he starts to juggle with. 
After a minute of brilliant juggling, he throws the eggs one-by-one over his shoulder towards the frying pan which is behind him. Each egg hits the side of the pan, cracks open and the shell falls into the bin below and the eggs slide unbroken into the frying pan. “That's amazing” says the interviewer “but it must have been a fluke”. “A fluke! Give me a dozen“ says the bloke. He then proceeds to do even more elaborate juggling and repeat the finale so there's now eighteen unbroken eggs sizzling in the frying pan. 
“Well then do I get the job?” “No, you piss about too much!!” 

31-
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.

32-
Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally). It can really begin to bother you after a while. There was a fellow in my office who was the ultimate offender.
I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I have my wife call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like "Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?"
It is the last time you hear that particular speakerphone, I can assure you.

33-
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life = 100%?
If...
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as :
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then, H A R D W O R K = 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E = 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But, A T T I T U D E = 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And, B U L L S H I T = 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
Attitude will get you there, but Bullshit will put you over the top.
But just look how far A S S K I S S I N G = 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118% will take you!

34-
HOW TO MESS UP AN INTERVIEW - PART 2
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
Employers were asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.
"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress up for the next interview?"
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I here?"
Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process...
I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I get excited very easily.
Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
People are always watching me.
Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles.
If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
My legs are really hairy.
I think I'm going to throw-up.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.

35-
Q: What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

36-
Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.

37-
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. 
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy. 

38-
Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations
Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not. 
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Five second fuzes always burn in three seconds.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take. 
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
Weather ain't neutral.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.
If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.
So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.
The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.
The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.
Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?
How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?
Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?
Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.
The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!! 
The ammo you need "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!
Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT. 
A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud. 
There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic. 
There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory. 
Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home. 
Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter. 
Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor--How do you think we got them so cheap? 
The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it. 
Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there. 
The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night. 
The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex. 
If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder. 
Rules of the Rucksack
1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.
2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.
3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.
4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.
If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.

39-
Customer Service Idiots
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall."

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please."
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off." 
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven:
Operator: "Woven?. Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland."

Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please."
Operator: "Where are you calling from?"
Caller: "The living room."

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"

British Rail
Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?"
Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free".

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre."
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."

The Bank
Caller: "I would like to borrow £2,000 please."
Operator: "Certainly, sir. Over how long?"
Caller: "Three years, please."
Operator: "OK, sir. That will be £75 per month for 36 months. Is that OK?"
Caller: "No, not at all. I want it all at once!"

40-
Control Tower exchanges The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.
While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty-do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft.
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at taxiway able at the end of the runway. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unknown aircraft: "I'm fucking bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: 
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

41-
Genius of the week award, awarded weekly on a week by week basis. 
Top Marks this week go to the government agency in Scunthorpe who updated their email system to use a filter which filtered out any emails containing profanity or obscene language of any kind. 
All was fine, til they realised that no-one whatsoever had got ANY emails during the whole week since they installed the software... They checked through everything and couldn't find a problem... until one bright spark pointed out that all their email addresses, who.ever@scunthorpe.gov.uk contained the word 'cunt!' 
Marvellous!!! 

42-
Business banners 
Over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we help you pick your nose?"
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a exhaust repair shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

43-
ARE YOU A PROFESSIONAL? 
This quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional."
The questions are not at all difficult. 
Q: How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? 
A: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. 
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 
Q: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
A: Open the refrigerator put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. WRONG!
Correct Answer: open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. 
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
Q: The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
Q: There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. 
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old. Mind you, look what happened to Andersen.

44-
Top 20 Engineers' Terminologys
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
- We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
- We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
- We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
- It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
- We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
- We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
- The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS
- It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
- Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
- Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
- We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
- I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
- Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW
- Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED
- Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT
- Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
- One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING
- Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE
- Impossible to fix if broken.

45-
There are many tips on how to write resumes. But how about this for a resignation letter...(An actual (allegedly) letter sent by a fed up US employee in Port Huncliff, New England - names obscured to protect the moron, oops, I mean 'innocent')
Mr. Bxxxxx,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superior shares an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself, and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen.
I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.
Your shiny new Mac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp-dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.
In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting points.
1.. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2.. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3.. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your damn mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow, not ONE minute later. One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never screw with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.
Sincerely, TB 

46-
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Monotone voices burbling on and on like a creek for hours on end, forcing you to look for the nearest sharp object or length of wire to end it all. Here's a way to change all of that... 
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks. 
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

synergy	strategic fit	core competencies	best practice	bottom line
take that off-line	24/7	out of the loop	benchmark	revisit
value-added	proactive	win-win	think outside the box	fast track
result-driven	empower	knowledge base	solution	touch base
mindset	client focus	paradigm	game plan	leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases. 
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

47-
Usually the staff of the company play football.
The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis.
The top management usually has a preference for Golf.
Finding:
As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.

48-
Ancient wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in our organization we often try many other strategies, including the following:
1) Changing riders
2) Buying a stronger whip
3) Falling back on: 'This is the way we've always ridden'
4) Appointing a committee to study the horse
5) Arranging a visit to other sites to see how they ride dead horses
6) Increasing the standards for riding dead horses
7) Appointing a group to revive the dead horse
8) Creating a training session to improve riding skills
9) Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment
10) Changing the requirements so that the horse no longer meets the standard of dead
11) Hiring an external consultant to show how a dead horse can be ridden
12) Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed
13) Increasing funding to improve the horse's performance
14) Declaring that no horse is too dead to beat
15) Doing a study to see if outsourcing will reduce the cost of riding a dead horse
16) Buying a computer program to enhance dead horse performance
17) Declaring a dead horse less costly than a live one
18) Forming a workgroup to find uses for dead horses
19) Changing performance requirements for the horse
20) Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

49-
HOW THE SOFTWARE INDUSTRY WORKS
Programmer to Team Leader:
"We CAN NOT do this proposed project. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take these type of projects."
Team Leader to Project Manager:
"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature."
Project Manager to 1st Level Manager:
"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we would need more time than usual to complete it."
1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager:
"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project, but with caution."
Senior Level Manager to CEO:
"This project will demonstrate to the industry our cap- abilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances."
CEO to Client:
"This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most com petent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame." 

50-
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. 
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. 
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. 
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. 
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. 
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. 
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. 
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. 
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

51-
An allegedly real-life customer complaint letter sent to the NTL complaints dept....
Dear Cretins
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.
When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were crap, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats. 

52-
Resumé Bloopers
QUALIFICATIONS:
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
"Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resumé on my office voice mail."
EXPERIENCE:
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job."
EDUCATION:
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"Finished eighth in my class of ten."
SPECIAL SKILLS:
"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under those demanding conditions."
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"They made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous jobs."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am disposed that it be so oriented as to partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured to lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30. I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep." 
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
"Marital status: often. Children: various."
"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining an entire Midwest chain operation."
REFERENCES:
"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

53-
If you have to write a letter of recommendation for a fired employee, here are a few suggested phrases:
For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
For an employee so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
For an employee who is not worth further consideration:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."
For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

54-
Below are the typical areas of a resumé and my priceless secrets for dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus. 
THE NAME: Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith - now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.
THE ADDRESS: Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!
THE PHONE NUMBER: Skip it. What are the odds they'll call - 1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resumé unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two.
THE AMBITION STATEMENT: Forget the ambition statement. You know what I mean: "Seeking a challenging IT position using state-of-the-art technology in a high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is doing neat things for the environment." A better idea is to tell them what you're NOT seeking. "Not seeking a job where I'm paying my dues for eight years, maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes every other night, slaving for some horrible boss and groveling in the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way into a lower management position, only to have the company lay off 40% of its work force so that I wind up in some non-critical, low-paying, dead-end, back-office position."
EDUCATION: Don't be afraid of Yalies and PhD's. Be proud of where you go to school and play it straight. But just to be on the safe side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a prestigious school. Until they respond, you're not lying if you list under your education credits: "BA in Watersports Administration, Massatucky State, 1993... and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear Computer Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT."
EXPERIENCE: Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience. But don't mention that you've invested in your own relational database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system... everybody's done that stuff. I'm talking about hands-on experience: high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So if you're a little light in the experience area, don't tell lies. Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at FoodGiant, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-code inventory scanning system". "Conducted usability testing for graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too much Nintendo." But don't try "Evaluated remote-accessed continuous-availability multimedia environment." Most employers can pick that one off as watching too much MTV.
THE CLOSE: "References furnished upon request?" What kind of power-close is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation: Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line they'll remember, like "Please, please give me a job. And by the way, I know where you live."

55-
The Washington Post held a contest in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work...
If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
I prefer to remain an enigma.

56-
I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a ward
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

57-
Stages of an Employee
Neophyte - Comes to work on time. Leaves a little early. Takes long lunches off site. Majority of life is still outside of work. Has no real responsibility. Happy to do any task, like cleaning crumbs out of your keyboard. Cannot believe s/he is getting paid so much to talk to college buddies on the phone and surf the Internet all day. Life is great!
Entry Level - Arrives and leaves on time. Feels important when boss asks him/her to work late and does so without hesitation. Brags to friends, "I chose the typeface for the IBM presentation". Considers a $25 bonus as indicator of undying company loyalty. Eats at desk on occasion. Life is pretty good.
Worker - Leaves late occasionally. Never calls in sick just to take the day off anymore. Is entirely responsible for meaningless projects, like changing "Systems Group" to "Technology Group" in all company documentation. Still comes into work with hangovers. Personal life is unknowingly vanishing. Is excited by a tiny raise and small promotion. Life is good.
Employee - Arrives early on occasion. Leaves late fairly often. Eats lunch at desk every day. Only has 1 or 2 remaining friends outside of work. Is actually responsible for real work that, if screwed up, will not damage the company significantly. Still has time to use company perks like hockey tickets. Life is OK.
Level 2 - Arrives early. Usually the last one to leave. Life is consumed by reports containing meaningless blocks of numbers. Derives all self-esteem from company and superiors' approbation. Spends entire paycheck on objects that elevate status and image. Is totally immersed in work and loves it. Can do nothing but collapse in front of the TV to watch 90210 the few hours s/he is home. Life is stressful.
Level 3 - Same as Level 2 except their work actually affects the success of the firm. Doesn't enjoy work anymore even though the salary is obscene and it keeps them away from their spouse all day. Considers quitting, but has large mortgage payment and doesn't want to give up the wide screen TV. Doesn't know what to do on a day off. Life is hell.
Manager - Tells other people what to do. Loves the power. Has to continually prove worthiness to managers up the food chain. Always works late in order to do the real work that can't be done during the day. Has five times as many business outfits as friends. Home life starts to break down. Life is stressful.
Middle Manager - Spends all day describing things with buzzwords. Considers key employees, pens, and contents of recycling bin as resources. Still works late, but only for a conference or client. Sometimes in winter, sees the sun after it rises or before it sets, unlike Level 2s, 3s, and managers. Has no friends or home life. Life is OK.
Upper Manager - Likes looking at reports and talking at meetings. Usually leaves work on time, except when leaving early to play golf with other upper managers. Hardly ever needs to brown nose anyone anymore. No longer owns jeans. Cannot remember ever taking public transportation. Life is good.
Executive - Despite having vast riches and grown children, chooses to come to work because it's fun. Says things like, "We need more market penetration in Liberia" and over the next few months, it happens. If it doesn't, the executive must do even more work by saying, "Why don't we have market penetration in Liberia?" 

58-
One summer, an old professor got a job on the railway as a steward. On his first day, he was accompanied by another steward to learn the ropes. "The job is really quite simple," said his tutor, "just remember to use diplomacy."
"What to you mean by diplomacy?" asked the professor, since that was something he'd never needed while teaching.
The steward-in-charge replied, "Watch me and I'll show you."
They proceeded down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with their keys and offering tea or coffee. When the steward- in-charge flung open one door, before him stood a buck-naked woman. Without batting an eyelid, he calmly asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?"
The startled woman took a cup of coffee and he closed the door.
"Wow, did you see that cutie?" said the old professor excitedly. "She didn't have a stitch of clothing on! But, why did you call her 'sir'?"
"That's diplomacy!" explained his tutor. "I didn't want to embarrass her."
The old professor was very impressed with his teacher.
The following day, working on his own, the old professor flung open a compartment door and found a couple making love on the bed.
Remaining calm, he asked, "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"

59-
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good shit."
A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says with a grin, "This is really great shit."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit."
An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of shit is this?"

60-
A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the centre ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.
"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."
His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."
He looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't give up the glamour of show business!"

61-
A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
And the man said, "I was looking for my father."

62-
The British Aviation Authority used to test the strength of windshields on planes using a device that could fire out dead chickens at extremely high speed.
The device was pointed at the aircraft's windshield and if the chicken didn't break it, it was assumed that the windshield would survive the impacts of actual collisions with birds when in flight.
British Rail had recently designed a new locomotive and was testing various designs of windshields, so they borrowed the device from the BAA. 
Adjusting it to approximate the maximum speed of the train, they loaded a dead chicken and fired it at the first windshield design.
The chicken went straight through the windshield, broke several components and left a huge dent in the compartment door. Surprised by the result, they asked a BAA official if they had done the test correctly.
An engineer checked everything and suggested that for their next test they defrost the chicken.

63-
I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer. 
The first clue was when I noticed that my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous "Microsoft Mouse" position. 
The second hint was a little more tragic... As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her, I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped). I heard a soft moan, but moments later found myself relegated back to my side of the bed. Alas, I had double clicked her nipple.

64-
NEW WORDS FOR THE 2003 EDITION OF THE NEW OFFICE DICTIONARY
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folk

65-
Things not to say in a job interview
1, Piece of piss - any loser could do this job 
2, Do I get promoted when you die? 
3, I'm not a violent man, I just don't like being ordered about 
4, Twenty years in an abattoir, two in prison 
5, Well they say GBH, but that's exaggerated 
6, Two sugars love, and get your boss on the way out, there’s a good girl. 
7, Where can I have a puff on the quiet 
8, Strengths? drinking and shagging, heh heh. 
9, Weaknesses? lager and birds, ho ho 
10, I don't mind jews Mr Goldberg, but pakis, niggers, dagos, chinks - they're just not the same, are they? 
11, Daddy says, if I work hard I can have your job 
12, Overtime, man. Babylon 
13, Can you blag the petty cash? 
14, So what does BBC actually stand for? 
15, Theres not a spare room for my mum is there? she's all alone? 
16, You won’t actually contact these references will you? Only they're right twats 
17, Like the suit. Millets? 
18, How does this job relate to baby Jesus? 
19, Sorry, I missed that. The voices are particularly loud today 
20, That sum is per week, I take it? 
21, Who put that £50 on the table? 
22, Where's my rottweiler going to go? 
23, Christ, those kids are ugly 
24, What happens if I cant actually do the job if I get it? 
25, If this doesn’t work out, can I take you out to dinner sometime? 
26, Will the company pay for my methadone? 
27, What's the longest sickie I can take then, before they start asking questions? 
28, I've got a load of Nike gear in the back of my car if you're interested 
29, It wasn’t sexual harrasment, she was gagging for it 
30, Get me a car, a top bird to take letters, and we're talking 
31, Can I keep signing on? split it 50/50? 
32, You don’t get the cops in if someone gets caught for drugs do you? 
33, That fit bird with the tits is giving me the eye, she’s not the director is she? 
34, Have I got the job or what? because I hate being fucked about 
35, Don't worry, I haven’t given the last company car back yet 
36, You look rough, you out last night? 
37, Just seat me away from those two fat blokes 
38, Oh no... I’ve pissed myself again 
39, Hold on, I think I’ve shagged her 
40, I’ve seen you about, I thought you were a gyppo! 
41, I’ll suck you off, I’ll do anything 
42, Have you dropped one, or is it me? 
43, Experience? well there was this couple of lesbians right... 
44, What's your healthcare policy, only my piles are raging 
45, I had a good job once 
46, From the outside, this whole company's in a right state 
47, Look at that for a coke bogey, it’s like a cornflake 
48, Alright then, I’ll do it for nothing 
49, Just pay it straight to the krishnas 

66-
The Occupational Safety & Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is two persons at one time, unless I install handrails or safety straps." 
"As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass today, please take a number and wait your turn!!"

67-
NEW EMPLOYMENT RULES
SICKDAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's sicknote as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are to be called Saturday and Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance:
All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both worker’s supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing fancy trainers or clothing we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a payrise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day
The Management

68-
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." 

69-
A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?" "I'm a fireman," his old friend replies. 
"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy. 
"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night." 
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. 
"Well, did your son become a fireman?" 
"No," says the guy, "but I have two daughters who are dancers."

70-
A railway worker is lying on the floor in Euston station clutching his guts. He’s rolling about in terrible pain and groaning, “Are you alright?” asks a passenger.
“O Arrh, I’ll be OK in a few minutes,” says the worker.
“What’s wrong?” asks the passenger.
“Well,” says the worker, “I’m busting for a shit, but I don’t start work for another 10 minutes.”

71-
Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

72-
TECHNICAL TERMS
Technical talk is often difficult to understand by people not initiated in the technical arts. Listed below are some terms that are used commonly by technicians, and an explanation of what they actually mean

STUFFED ...
A description of an item of equipment indicating that it does not work quite as well as when it was new. This situation is not expected to change in the near future.

FUCKED ...
Terminally stuffed.

FUCK ME DEAD ...
A technical expression meaning that after you have totally stripped an assembly you didn't really need to, you have read the manual to discover a major warning in bold type saying never to touch that part under any circumstances whatsoever, as it requires factory (overseas) realignment.

FUCK IT ALL ...
An expression that follows the tinging sound of a miniature spring or circlip bouncing off something on the other side of the room. Unfortunately, you didn't see where it came from, where it went to, and have no idea what it looks like.

FUCKING BLOODY FUCK ...
An expression used after 2 full days reassembling and mechanical aligning to find that an extremely fundamental part is still sitting under the workshop bench. 

HOLY BLOODY SHIT ...
The expression used immediately after stripping the thread or hexagon off a small bolt and remembering that it had a left hand thread.

SHIT, FUCK, SHIT ...
The technical expression denoting full understanding that the thing you have just dropped into the bowels of the machine is not only critically important to the machine's operation, but is completely beyond retrieval.

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT ...
Something weighing 400kg is sitting on my finger.

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT ...
Something hot weighing 400 kg is sitting on my finger.

HOW THE FUCK .... ?
Often used to indicate that in your opinion the designers of the machine might have done something a bit differently.

BLOODY FUCK ...
Somebody will have to find a first aid kit.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT ...
This is a 440 volt circuit, and I think I've forgotten to isolate it.

BUGGER BLOODY FUCK ...
You see a severed 200 cable wiring harness and reach an immediate understanding of why the equipment rack required extra force to close it. NOTE: If the word 'Holy' is used in conjunction with this expression, it means that all 200 wires in the harness are the same colour.

FUCKING DAMN SHIT ...
I have just picked up the wrong end of a soldering iron.

FUCKING BLOODY DAMN ...
A general phrase indicating minor irritation.

HOLY BLOODY FUCK ...
My tie is caught by something being driven by a 200 horsepower motor and I can't reach the power switch.

BUGGER, FUCK, DAMN ...
An indication of full acceptance that the final, binding quote given to the customer omitted the £1800 parts content of the job.

73-
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

74-
The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?" 
"Thanks," said the employee. 
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?" 
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad." 

75-
In the beginning was the word ... and the word was;
'OOPS!'
... followed closely by;
'BUGGER.'
... followed a short while later by the term;
'OH, SOD IT.'

76-
Letter of Apology
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office New Year's Party.
The Office Manager called me from the hospital today, and as this is my last day on the job, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you, Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.
To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did, until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed, it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.
Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed, falling three stories.
Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a big deal about it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, don't they? And the water is cold!!
Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent over to pull up your pants; it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.
Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them, and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk. (By the way, the nude Polaroids I took of you when I found you passed out in the ladies room, are available for only $500 cash. Each.)
To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.
Urinating in the punchbowl was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.
Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to attend the company picnic this summer.

77-
FAT CATS THREATENED BY LAUNCH OF "EASYBOSS"
The flamboyant entrepreneur Stelios Haji-Ioannou has created a new business which he claims will finally put an end to the scandal of fat cat pay.
The company, called 'easyBoss', will hire out chief executives to companies for a flat annual fee, competitively priced so as to appeal to Britain's increasingly thrifty shareholders. Speaking at the launch of the new enterprise yesterday, Stelios explained that he wanted to challenge the myth that companies could not recruit decent managers for less than £100K per year. "Here at easyBoss, we can let you have an executive for £99K ...or £90K if you book online." The move was immediately slammed by the CBI. Chairman, Digby Jones, told us "This goes completely against market forces.
In today's competitive economy, you have to be prepared to pay people what they're worth ...unless of course they're manual workers in which case you can sack the lot of them and move your factory to China."
A spokesman for the Institute of Directors was equally dismissive. "Where the hell are they going to find chaps prepared to work for less than £99K? That's barely enough to buy lunch, particularly if one's drinking a half-decent wine. Frankly, I think this Stelios fellow's a bit out of touch with the way most people live." According to Stelios, the secret to recruiting talent is to avoid it altogether. By employing 'complete dunderheads', easyBoss aims to keep overheads low so that it can pass on its savings to the customer. "All companies are doing badly at the moment, so what difference is it going to make if you've got a complete idiot at the top? Obviously for safety reasons we have to ensure that they have some basic skills so that's where the training comes in".
All recruits to easyBoss undergo an intensive 10 week training programme to prepare them for the rigours of the modern boardroom. The syllabus starts with the core skills of embezzlement and fraud, together with a role-playing session in which they have to blame all their mistakes on their predecessor. In addition to these 'traditional' subjects, the course also covers more modern topics such the basics of dismantling pension funds, how to waste millions on changing the company name and how to sack an entire workforce by text message.
Despite his critics, Stelios feels confident that easyBoss will succeed, and claims that he's already received promising enquiries from HSBC, GlaxoSmithKline and Tesco.

78-
John got busted the other day at work. His boss came over to him and said "John, you've been looking at porn sites on your computer again haven't you?"
Shocked, John said "What the heck gives you that idea?"
"Well," he said, "the lick marks on your screen for one, and your shorts around your ankles don't help you much either."

79-
The manager was in a bit of a quandary. He had to fire one of his employees strictly for financial reasons and was having a tough time deciding who it would be. Finally he had it narrowed down to either Debra or Jack, since they both had spouses in good positions and they would have the least trouble of all the employees financially. Instead of a coin toss, he decided that the first one to go to the water cooler would be the one who got the axe. Debra came in early that morning with a huge hangover from partying all night and getting no sleep, and naturally she goes straight to the water cooler to rehydrate. The manager sighs and goes over to her. "Debra" he says, "I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off". Debra looks at him and says "Well, could you Jack off? I've got a terrible headache".

80-
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. 
"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. 
Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

81-
A sales company has particular trouble selling Bibles in their location. They are always looking for someone to break through to their market and make a real difference. 
One day, a man comes in with a job application and says, "I-I-I-I'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b-b-be a B-B-B-Bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." 
Initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but his conscience got the better of him. He decided to try him out. 
After three weeks, the manager is looking at the sales figures and realizes that the new guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office. 
"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?" 
"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d- d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the B-B-B-Bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t- t-t-to y-y-y-you?" 

82-
A large consultancy company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to one of his time and motion consultants. 
The next morning, the president asked the consultant how he had enjoyed it, and he was handed a memorandum, which read as follows: 
MEMORANDUM 
1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity. 
2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff in this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through use of an amplifier. 
3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done, it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians. 
4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes. 
5. This symphony has two movements. If Schubert did not achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, his symphony would probably have been finished by now. 

83-
Performance appraisal terms and their real meanings: 
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE: Not too bright. 
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Made no major blunders - yet. 
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks a lot. 
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Spouse drinks, too. 
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the cops. 
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. 
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for mistakes. 
CAREFUL THINKER: Won't make a decision. 
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. 
PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT: Buys drinks for all the boys in the office at happy hour. 
FORCEFUL: Argumentative. 
AGGRESSIVE: Obnoxious. 
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS: Gets someone else to do it. 
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. 
EXPRESS THEMSELVES WELL: Speak English. 
CONSCIENTIOUS: Scared. 
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nit picker. 
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES: Is tall or has a loud voice. 
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT: Lucky. 
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR: Knows a lot of dirty jokes. 
STRONG PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. 
CAREER MINDED: Back Stabber. 
COMING ALONG WELL: About to be let go. 
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Gets to work on time. 
RELAXED ATTITUDE: Sleeps at desk. 
EXPERIENCED PROBLEM SOLVER: Screws up often. 
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY: Too ugly to get a date. 
INDEPENDENT WORKER: Nobody knows what he/she does all day. 
FORWARD THINKING: Procrastinator. 
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS: Able to BS well. 
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Spends lots of time on phone. 
LOYAL: Can't get a job anywhere else. 

84-
These quotes were reportedly taken from actual year end performance evaluations: 
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
"I would like to go hunting with him something." 
"He has been working with glue too much." 
"He would argue with a signpost." 
"He has a knack of making strangers immediately." 
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves a room." 
"He and the CEO have something in common. They've both gone as far as they can in this company." 
"When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."

85-
In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"
The mathematician said: "Never."
The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time."
The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

86-
The boss called in Bill, his star salesman and said, "I notice on your last expense report you entered '$50 for women' I don't really mind you having a good time and entertaining our clients, but you should be more discreet. From now on list those expenses as being for hunting."
After that, the Bill's expense account regularly included items of "$50 for hunting." 
But then one month the first entry read, "$300 for cleaning rifle."

87-
Weill and Mahoney had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.
Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Weill and Mahoney blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms. 
Five years later, Weill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Weill looked up and gasped.
"Mahoney!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this."
"Yeah," Mahoney said, curling his lip. "But I don't eat here."

88-
A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment.
Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.
Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?
Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container.
Trucker: Yeah, that’s right. All lead.
Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.
Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.

89-
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?" 

90-
Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
Remove blocks and toy cars from table.
Grease pan, crack nuts.
Measure two cups flour.
Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
Re-measure flour.
Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
Get another bowl.
Answer doorbell.
Return to kitchen.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Wash baby.
Answer phone.
Return.
Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
Look for baby.
Grease another pan.
Answer telephone.
Return to kitchen and find baby.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
Call baker.
Lie down.

91-
A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent a social security agent to interview him. 
"You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them." 
"All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $400 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $300 a week plus room and board." 
"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. 
"Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco." 
"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit!" 
"You're talkin' to him now," said the farmer. 

92-
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: " Step right dis way for de sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways"

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage
these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it
to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their effin' hand stuck in
the door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a
joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

93-
A small company was on the brink of bankruptcy, so the owner came up with a sales incentive program to help motivate his salesmen. 
Calling his two-man sales force into his office, he announced, "Things aren't looking good and unless we increase our sales, we won't be in operation much longer. In light of this, I have come up with a a contest for you. The guy with the highest sales will receive a blow job." 
"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen. 
"The loser," replied the owner, glaring at both men, "gets to give it!"

94-
Christopher Columbus was the best salesman in history. He started out not knowing where he was going, and when he got there, he didn't know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on a big cash advance, and he got a repeat order. 

95-
Sadie had worked as an accounts clerk for the Prague candlesticks company for nearly 30 years when she died. Everyone remembered how she would arrive at her desk every morning at exactly 8.30 am. She would put on her glasses, unlock her desk, and peer closely into the centre drawer. Then she would re-lock her desk and get on with her work. She did this every working day and no one, not even the senior accountant, knew what was in her centre drawer. Now she was dead, her work colleagues could find out her secret. 
So they unlocked her desk and opened the centre drawer. Inside they found a small piece of paper with these words written on it, “THE SIDE TOWARDS THE DOOR IS THE DEBIT SIDE.” 

96-
Phone troubles
I dialled a wrong number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

Recently I called a business phone number and heard the following: If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press 'one' now. If you are calling from a rotary phone, hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone.

Heard on my cable-company's answering machine: "We realise you are still holding. Please do not hang up as this will further delay your call." 

97-
Unbelievable Applicants
A survey of personnel executives at 200 of the Fortune 1,000 companies provided the following unbelievable but true examples of job applicant behavior.

"The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a question became apparent when he began to snore."

"When I asked the candidate to give a good example of the organizational skills she was boasting about, she said she was proud of her ability to pack her suitcase 'real neat' for her vacations."

"Why did (the applicant) go to college?" His reply: "To party and socialize."

"When I gave him my business card at the beginning of the interview, he immediately crumpled it and tossed it in the wastebasket."

"I received a resume and letter that said that the recent high-school graduate wanted to earn $25 an hour-'and not a nickel less.'"

"(The applicant) had arranged for a pizza to be delivered to my office during a lunch-hour interview. I asked him not to eat it until later."

"(The applicant) said she had just graduated cum laude, but she had no idea what cum laude meant. However, she was proud of her grade point average. It was 2.1."

"(The applicant) insisted on telling me that he wasn't afraid of hard work. But insisted on adding he was afraid of horses and didn't like jazz, modern art, or seafood."

"She actually showed up for an interview during the summer wearing a bathing suit. She said she didn't think I'd mind."

"He sat down opposite me, made himself comfortable, and proceeded to put his foot up on my desk."

"The interview had gone well, until he told me that he and his friends wore my company's clothing whenever they could. I had to tell him that we manufactured office products, not sportswear."

"(The applicant) applied for a customer service position, although, as he confided, he really wasn't a people person."

"Without asking if I minded, he casually lit a cigar and then tossed the match onto my carpet-and couldn't understand why I was upset."

"On the phone, I had asked the candidate to bring his resume and a couple of references. He arrived with the resume-and two people."

98-
16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK... 
1. It's an incentive to show up. 
2. It leads to more honest communications. 
3. It reduces complaints about low pay. 
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear. 
5 It encourages car pooling. 
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care. 
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 
8. It makes fellow employees look better. 
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar. 
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. 
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up. 
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross. 

99-
A party of economists went climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass and the sun. Finally he said: "Okay, see that big mountain over there?" The others all agreed that they did. "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it." 

100-
There was this statistics professor who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any Intersection, whip straight through it , then slow down again once he'd got past it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over intersections. The statistics professor replied, "Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at an intersection, so I just make sure that I spend less time there."

101-
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
“I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up.”
Nine hands went up.
“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man.
“Too much trouble,” came the reply.

102-
Tele-Salesman: “Hi I’m calling on behalf of Ripper Windows, would you be interested in buying some double glazing?”
Call Receiver: “Sir, this is the Samaritans.”
Tele-Salesman: “OK. Would you be interested in buying some double glazing or I’ll kill myself!”

103-
Harry went for a job interview. It seemed to go well because before he left, he was told, "We would like you to work for us. We’ll give you £10 an hour starting today and in three months time we’ll increase it to £15 an hour. So when would you like to start?" 
Harry replies, "In about 3 months from now." 

104-
The Best of Resume Bloopers
"I am a rabid typist."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

105-
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. 
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

106-
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. 
The personnel office sent this reply...
"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

107-
On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?" 
"I'd yell 'Man overboard,'" answered the lookout snappily. 
"Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?" 
The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"

108-
The Secretary of the Navy was inspecting a recently launched carrier. The entire 3,000 plus crew stood at attention. "I suppose," said the Secretary jokingly to the carrier's captain, "you know the name of every man on the ship." 
"I think I do," was the captain's unexpected reply.
"A'ha," smiled the Secretary. "What's the name of that man?" he asked, pointing to a sailor standing two rows away.
"That's William Jones," replied the captain.
The Secretary walked over and addressed the seaman himself.
"And what's your name, sailor?" he asked.
"William Jones, sir," replied Seaman Abernathy.

109-
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek. 
"Hey, bud, how are ya?" 
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" 
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?" 
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" 
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?" 
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her" 
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!" 
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

110-
A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. 
"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.
"I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..."
"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enrol your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

111-
Reasons To Go To Work Naked
Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!" 
Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
"I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 
To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 
You want to see if it's like the dream. 
So that, with a little help from Muzak, you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume. 
People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. 
No one steals your chair.

112-
Resume Translator
"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS" 
....I'm currently on long term Prozac treatments
"I AM ABLE TO TAKE THE TIME TO INTERACT WELL" 
....I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks
"I HAVE STRONG COMMUNICATION SKILLS" 
....I talk too much
"I'M PROUD OF MY ORGANIZATION SKILLS" 
....I love to tell other people what to do
"EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION" 
....I've used Microsoft Office some
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE" 
....I only pilfer office supplies
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES" 
....To say nothing of all the McJobs I've had
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" 
....I blame others for my mistakes
"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED" 
....I keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room
"I HAVE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOUR" 
....I know a lot of corny, old jokes and tell them badly
"I'M PERSONABLE AND INTERESTED IN OTHERS" 
....I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers ..... OR....I've just been evicted again
"I HAVE A STABLE PERSONAL LIFE" 
....Once I finish with this latest divorce, that is
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" 
....I have one of those Day-Timer thingees
"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS" 
....At that piddling salary, you're lucky to get anyone
"I AM ADAPTABLE" 
....I've changed jobs a lot
"I AM ALWAYS ON THE GO" 
....I'm never at my desk
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" 
....The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there
"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING" 
....My probation officer says I'm a natural student
"I INTERACT WELL WITH ALL CO-WORKERS" 
....All those sexual harassment charges were a sham
"I'VE A PLEASANT PHONE MANNER WITH LOTS OF EXPERIENCE" 
....I'm always making personal telephone calls
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON" 
....Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest & wishing me luck in my future career

113-
I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.
ME: Hello.
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T ...
ME: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please?
ME: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
ME: Ok, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
ME: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
ME: May I ask who is calling, ! please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I tho ught you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
ME: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
ME: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
ME: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! ! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
ME: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&! ;T: Excuse me?
ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for ...
ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is nece ssary.
ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.
At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.
SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?
ME: Yeth?
SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
ME: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.
ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
ME: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family" thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: click........ 

114-
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku's are used to communicate a timeless message often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity - the essence of Zen:

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank. 

115-
Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company. Periodically I 
would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way. 
One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was "DOME" and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password. 
She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did. 
After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed. 
"Well, what does it mean?" I asked. 
She hesitated and then replied, "It's two words." 
There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, "Have a nice day." 

116-
My doctor told me "physical exercise is good for you." 
I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere: 
Monday: Beat around the bush. Jump to conclusions. Climb the walls. Wade through paperwork. 
Tuesday: Drag my heels. Push my luck. Make mountains out of mole hills. Hit the nail on the head. 
Wednesday: Bend over backwards. Jump on the band wagon. Balance the books. Run around in circles. 
Thursday: Toot my own horn. Climb the ladder of success. Pull out the stops. Add fuel to the fire. 
Friday: Open a can of worms. Put my foot in my mouth. Start the ball rolling. Go over the edge. 
Saturday: Pick up the pieces. Whew! What a workout! 
and on Sunday I rest !

117-
ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you? 
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer. 
ABBOTT: Mac? 
COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou. 
ABBOTT: Your computer? 
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. 
ABBOTT: Mac? 
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou. 
ABBOTT: What about Windows? 
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy? 
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? 
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows? 
ABBOTT: Wallpaper. 
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. 
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows? 
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got? 
ABBOTT: Office. 
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? 
ABBOTT: I just did. 
COSTELLO: You just did what? 
ABBOTT: Recommended something. 
COSTELLO: You recommended something? 
ABBOTT: Yes. 
COSTELLO: For my office? 
ABBOTT: Yes. 
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office? 
ABBOTT: Office. 
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office. 
ABBOTT: Office for Windows. 
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? 
ABBOTT: Word. 
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load? 
ABBOTT: Word. 
COSTELLO: What word? 
ABBOTT: The Word in Office. 
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. 
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. 
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W. 
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet? 
ABBOTT: RealOne. 
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it? ABBOTT: RealOne. 
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course. 
COSTELLO: Great! With what? 
ABBOTT: RealOne. 
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie What do I do? 
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1. 
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? 
ABBOTT: The blue 1. 
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W? 
ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word. 
COSTELLO: What word? 
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. 
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!" 
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. 
COSTELLO: It is? 
ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words. COSTELLO: And that word is the real one? 
ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office. 
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money? 
ABBOTT: Money. 
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? 
ABBOTT: Money. 
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? 
ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer. 
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer? 
ABBOTT: Money. 
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer? 
ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge. 
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get? 
ABBOTT: Just one copy. 
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal? 
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money. 
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money? 
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it. 
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money? 
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago. 
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place? 
ABBOTT: Money. 
COSTELLO: You sell money? 
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free

118-
The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?"
The baby sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."
"Where would you get the torpedo?"
"The same place you got your battleship"

119-
A man had a siamese cat that howled all night, every night. The sleepless man concluded that the cat has too much testosterone and took him to the vet to be castrated. To the great surprise of the man and all his neighbours, the cat continued howling.
"Why are you doing it now?" they asked the cat.
"Now I am a consultant."

120-
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.....This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author was quite genuine. The word is that the engineers literally rolled about on the floor! 
Memo Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer. 

121-
Mike was talking to his friend, who was a Marketing Manager. 
“Ben,” says Mike, “what’s the difference between marketing and advertising? I’ve always wanted to know.” 
“Well,” replies Ben, “suppose you’re at a party and you see a gorgeous lady across the room. Well, there are a number of things that could happen. 
1. You could go over to her and say, ‘Hi, I’m great in bed, so what about it?’ 
That’s DIRECT MARKETING. 
2. You could give your best friend £10 so he goes over to her and says, ‘Hello, see my friend over there? He’s great in bed, so what about it?’ 
That’s ADVERTISING. 
3. She could come over to you and say, ‘Hello, I’ve heard you’re great in bed, so what about it?’ 
That’s BRAND RECOGNITION. 
4. You could go over to her and get her telephone number. Then next day you could call her and say, ‘Hello, I’m great in bed, so what about it?’ 
That’s TELEMARKETING. 
5. You could walk over to her, pour her a drink and say, 'May I?' You could then reach up to straighten her hair, at the same time brushing your groin against her leg, and say, 'Hello, I'm great in bed, so what about it?’ 
That's PUBLIC RELATIONS. 
6. You could talk her into going home with your friend. 
That's a SALES REP. 
7. Your friend might not be able to satisfy her and so she could then text you. 
That's TECH SUPPORT. 
8. You could leave the party and on your way home realize that there are probably many beautiful women in the houses you're passing. So you could shout out at the top of your voice, 'I'm great in bed.' 
That's JUNK MAIL. 
“Thanks, now I understand,” says Mike

122-
Apparently a genuine reply from Customer Relations at the Inland Revenue
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little
ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which, brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of Truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.
Please forward it by Friday.
Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee Customer Relations

123-
From the New Scientist: The Wisdom of the Whiteboard
The fridge in the lab is full of really nasty things. The fridge in the tea room is full of really nice things. Please maintain this distinction.
Lost: the will to live. If found, please return to the postgrad room.
I hereby withdraw my declaration that Trevor smells like a mongoose - the mongoose has threatened to sue.
Specific ion electrodes are very fragile - and expensive. You will find out just how expensive if you break any more.
The tea bags in the jam jar are mine alone. I have coated them with a potent neurotoxin to which only I have immunity. Thieves will inevitably die a painful, lingering death and I'll then dance merrily on their graves. This concludes my COSHH [Control of Substances Hazardous to Health] statement.
Remember - add acid to water, not water to acid. If you get it wrong, the emergency services are on extension 2222.
The departmental van is not available at the moment. It can be found on its roof just to the left of the A9. Mike did it - but don't tell anyone.
The bins in the lab are for paper - not barium salts, manure or body parts. Please remember, 'cos Beryl the cleaner isn't into slasher movies - yet.
draobetihw siht edisni kcuts m'I - PLEH

124-
The hare-lipped toothbrush salesman comes in to his manager's office to give a report on his first week at work.
"Well, how'd you do?" asks the manager. 
"Well thir, I thold two toothbrutheth." replied the salesman. 
"Two!" shouts the manager. "You're never going to make a living that way." 
"Well thir, I don't know what to do, people juth won't buy my toothbrutheth." 
The manager thinks and says, "Sounds to me like you need a gimmick." 
The salesman asks, "Whath's a geemick?" 
The manager explains, "A gimmick is something you use to entice, excite and motivate your customer about your product or service. A jingle, a slogan, something to make your customer feel a need for your product or service." 
The salesman goes, "Hmm, I gueth I'll have to get me a geemick." The salesman returns at the end of the next week to give his report.
The manager asks, "Well son, how'd you do this week?" 
The salesman beams, "Well thir, I thold 185,353 toothbrutheth." 
The manager leaps up, "My gosh, what did you do?" 
The salesman grins and says, "I took your advith and got me a geemick." 
The manager excited now, says, "Well out with it son. What's your gimmick? We need to pass this on to the rest of the staff. We'll make millions!"
The salesman says, "Well thir, I found me a real bithy thtreet corner and I thet up a table and a chair. On the table I put out thum chipth and dip. People would come up to the corner waiting to croth the thtreet and I would thay, 'Hey, while your waiting, how about thun chipth and dip?' They would thay, 'Thure!' Then they would take a chip, get 'em thum dip and thtart to eat it. Then they would say, 'Hey thith tath like thit!' I would say, 'It ith thit. Want to buy a toothbruth?'

125-
EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATION
Employee Name _______________ Date of Review __________________
KNOWLEDGE:

1.____ The son of a bitch really knows his shit
2.____ Knows only enough to be dangerous
3.____ Only half a brain and is dangerous
4.____ Fucking brain damaged. His coffee cup has higher I.Q.

ACCURACY:

1.____ Does excellent work is not preoccupied with women
2.____ Pretty good; only occasionally blows it out his ass
3.____ Has to take his shoes off to count higher than ten
4.____ Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice

ATTITUDE:

1.____ Extremely cooperative (Kisses ass frequently)
2.____ Brown noser in poor standing
3.____ Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it's his job
4.____ Doesn't give a shit, never did, never will

RELIABILITY:

1.____ Really a dependable little cocksucker
2.____ Can rely on him at evaluation time
3.____ Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door
4.____ Totally fucking worthless

APPEARANCE:

1.____ Extremely neat; even combs his pubic hair
2.____ Looks great at evaluation time
3.____ Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch
4.____ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him

PERFORMANCE:

1.____ Goes like a son of a bitch, if there is money in it for him
2.____ Does Ok around evaluation time
3.____ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes
4.____ Couldn't do less work if he were in a coma

LEADERSHIP:

1.____ Carries chain saw and gets good results
2.____ Occasionally gets told to get fucked
3.____ Mother Theresa tells him to get fucked
4.____ Couldn't lead a pack of hungry wolves to meat

I understand I have been evaluated and know my rights under the Privacy Act of 1969. I further acknowledge I am as fucked up as a football bat and will attempt to correct my deficiencies.

EMPLOYEE SIGNATURE _______________________________________________

MANAGER SIGNATURE _______________________________________________

126-
Immediate Requirements:
Bullshitter (3 month contract)
------------------------------
Bullshitter required. You will have at least three years experience of
doing jobs for which you have no skill or aptitude, ideally in a Unix
environment. Skills to include bullshit, ideally to politician level, and
waffle in a technical capacity. Arse-covering skills will be an advantage.
CBE (Certified Bullshit Engineer) qualification essential.

Liar (6 month contract)
-----------------------
You will be working for a prestigious, high-profile company. You must be
able to claim a degree with first-class honours, preferably from Oxford or
Cambridge, and own a car which (although impressive) does not actually
exist. You will also be required to make up stories or explanations on the
hop, so experience of police work will be considered favourably.
Ties and/or certificates are provided to add convincing "colour" to the
successful applicant's statements.

Unix Guru (Rolling one month requirement)
-----------------------------------------
Candidates must have at least three of the following qualities:
(1) a stupid and unusual hairstyle with goatie beard
(2) fashion taste which stopped somewhere in the mid-60's,
(3) a lifestyle quite unlike anyone else, or
(4) a habit of wearing sandals with or without socks.
The ideal applicant will also have a Californian accent. Unix experience
not essential, but some keyboard skills may be useful.

Inexperienced timewaster wanted - urgent contract.
--------------------------------------------------
Candidates (under 21 years of age) must be able to fill out at least six
pages of a C.V. with claims of experience and knowledge totalling a minimum
of 150 years. In addition, they must also be able to claim involvement with
hobbies which nobody in their right mind could possibly fit into a
lifestyle which included, for example, sleeping or eating. The successful
applicant will have no real skills in any category whatsoever, but
candidates will be considered providing they do not know anything about C++
programming or Project Management.

Destruct testers required. (3 month contract, extendable to 6 months)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Clumsy, careless oafs of a naturally foolish nature must demonstrate their
ineptitude with several, briefly-held, positions. the successful candidate
will be asked to break something during the interview, preferably in a way
which the interviewer will never have thought possible or remotely likely.

E-commerce consultants. (3 hours, extendable to 12 years)
---------------------------------------------------------
Experience in e-commerce not required. The successful applicant will have
no experience of any of the following: commerce, computers, the internet,
good taste. A lack of design skills and a fixation with style over content
will also be important. You should have current experience in gross
over-charging and hoodwinking scrupulous clients. You will work with a
bunch of other opinionated irritating wankers, constructing a series of
web-pages with as many 'broken links' and loose ends as time and money allow.

Scapegoats. (One month contract with bonus on completion.)
----------------------------------------------------------
Conscientious and hardworking individual. Experienced in customer support
and maintenance, you will have several demonstrable skills which can be
used to show why the interviewers were right to employ you, coupled with a
complete lack of awareness regarding arse-covering. You will work with a
close-knit team of temporary contractors and will travel from project to
project tasked with the job of tidying up the loose ends to ensure customer
acceptance and satisfaction.

Timewasters, timewasters, timewasters.
--------------------------------------
Six timewasters are required for an urgent contract in the Far-East of
Scotland, to start immediately. Skills must include six
months coffee machine, three months photocopying and general
administration and a minimum of one year "between assignments".

Unskilled slapheads required for six month contract.
----------------------------------------------------
Must have own suit (preferably brown). Own desk, and hat-stand is provided
for suitable applicants. Lazy good-for-nothing with multiple chronic
illnesses sought to assist busy, interfering manager. Must be idle and
shiftless. A bad memory and/or dyslexia will be advantageous.

Noxious beancounter required.
-----------------------------
Must interfere constantly and construct meaningless lists of serial numbers
and other pointless documentation. Numeracy/Literacy not a requirement, but
an interest in trainspotting is essential. Bad-breath and BO advantageous.
Contract is for an initial three months and may be extended indefinitely.

127-
Flyers
In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed." "90 knots," Centre replied." Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same." "120 knots," Centre answered." We obviously weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Ah, Centre, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout. There was a slight pause, then the response, '525 knots on the ground, Dusty.' "Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realised Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison." "Centre, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause ... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots." No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
------------------------------------------------------------
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Centre reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked: "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded: "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
-------------------------------------
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a '38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel and then asked the navigator: "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly: "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a '45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked: "What's that for?""To be honest sir," the navigator replied: "I'll know we're lost before you will."
------------------------------------------------------------
More tower chatter: Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
------------------------------------------------------------
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said: "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
------------------------------------------------------------
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked: "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
------------------------------------------------------------
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
------------------------------------------------------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant: "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant:" and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
------------------------------------------------------------
"Flight 2341, for noise abatement please turn right 45 degrees." "But Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" 
------------------------------------------------------------
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

128-
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer." The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The THIRD one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer"
...HE GOT THE JOB

129-
The perfect Friday excuse!
Employee: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today. My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."
Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"
Employee: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"

130-
IDIOTS AT LARGE
IDIOTS IN SERVICE
This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked: "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?) 
IDIOTS AT WORK 
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. 
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD 
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore. I could swear I've recently been with some of these people.... 
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE 
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. 
IDIOTS AT THE AIRPORT 
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked: "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied: "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded: "That's why we ask." 
IDIOTS ON THE ROAD
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a co-worker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded: "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" 
IDIOTS AT WORK 
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully: "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. 
ANOTHER IDIOT AT WORK 
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. 
IDIOTS AT THE GARAGE
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician: "it's open!" To which he replied: "I know - I already got that side." 

131-
Nowt as queer as folk
• When the Frankfort Indiana Times put customer-service specialist Brenda's photo in the local newspaper, along with the blurb that she stood ready to help customers of the paper, a subscriber called and asked what days Brenda had available, explaining: "I can get in and out of bed, but could use assistance with a few things around the house."

• This conversation snippet comes from a Super 8 Motel customer-service specialist in the company's Aberdeen, S.D., headquarters:
Customer: "I'm calling to follow up on a complaint letter I wrote about one of your motel managers."
Customer service rep (CSR): "Yes, sir, I have it here."
Customer: "I was never informed of the no-pets policy when I made the reservation. Then I was asked to leave. It was outrageous!"
CSR: "If you didn't know there was a no-pet policy, why were you pushing your dog through the bathroom window when the manager walked in?"

• This call to the service folks at Rochester Gas & Electric, Rochester, N.Y., made their "never-to-be-forgotten" list:
Customer: "Do you remember when I called and told you that the meter reader stole the chicken that was defrosting on my counter?"
CSR: "Yes."
Customer: "And you remember that you sent a supervisor out to find the meter reader and get my chicken back?"
CSR: "Yes."
Customer: "Well, my husband didn't want chicken for dinner, and he put it back in the freezer. So never mind.

• Here's one that caused them pause at Shugard Storage Centers in St. Louis, Mo.
Caller: "Is this the storage place?"
CSR: "Yes, it is."
Caller: "Can I store my parents there?"
No, they never did find out exactly what the caller had in mind, nor cared to probe much further. 

• Here's one that apparently challenged the CSRs at Aetna Life Insurance and Annuity Co. in Hartford, Conn. 
Customer: "Could you please look up my account?"
CSR: "Sure. I'll need your Social Security number or your policy number."
Customer: "I don't know those. Can't you just go by my name?"
CSR: "Yes, sir. May I have your name?"
Customer: "John Smith."

• The homemaker helpers at General Mills Inc. get a lot of strange questions. This one took the Box-o-Brownies award:
"I'm using one of your cake mixes. I was wondering if it would be OK to boil an egg on top of the stove while the oven is running?

• At Thrasher Hardware in Des Moines, Iowa, they see a lot of weekend home-repair warriors. This one just seemed to have disaster written all over his Saturday project:
Clerk: "Let's see, you need that glass cut 16 inches wide by 12 inches in length, right?"
Customer: "Certainly not! I said 12 inches wide and 16 inches in length."
Clerk: "Sorry. Will there be anything else?"
Customer: "I also need a metric croissant wrench."

• And finally, the customer service crew at Delta Airlines in Atlanta swears to the veracity of this one:
A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. An employee asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?" The customer replied, "V-I-S-A."

132-
Excuses For Missing Work
** I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not s showing up for work. Okay?
** I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
** I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
** Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
** I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
** The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.
** The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
** I prefer to remain an enigma.
** I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
** I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
** I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
** I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead.
** I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
** If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
** My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
** Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
** When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

133-
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

134-
Sherry the sexy secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you"
"Sherry honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You aren't sterile....."

135-
The Life of The Memo

Memo From CEO To Manager
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Then Memo From Manager To Department Heads
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The CEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Followed By Memo From Department Heads To Floor Manager
The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

And Memo From Floor Manager To Supervisor
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, and as usual it will cost you.

Finally Memo From Supervisor To Staff
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen everyday.

136-
An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. "Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test. He gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)
The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.
The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.
The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money.
Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?
Answer: The one with the biggest tits!

137-
Genuine warnings written on military equipment and publications:
"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." U.S.A.F.Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." --Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."-Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Unknown
(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." --U.S.A. Ammo Troop

138-
Prison v Work?
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a little clearer: 
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. 
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. 
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. 
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. 
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour. 
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour. 
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. 
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. 
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games. 
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. 
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiots who pee on the seat. 
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. 
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family. 
IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. 
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. 
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. 
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. 
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic warders. 
AT WORK...they call them managers. 
Have a Great Day at WORK! 

139-
Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs him and says, "Come on, Willie, we're going upstairs!"
Willie replies, "OK. That's one of my favourite things!"
As soon as they get upstairs, Ethel grabs Willie, throws him down on the bed and jumps aboard. Willie protests, "Stop, Stop, We can't do it that way anymore!"
Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie, I like it that way, and so do you."
Willie replies, "You're sure right on that, in fact that is one of my favourite things. But if we do it that way any more I'll lose my job."
Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie? That doesn't make any sense!"
Willie explains, "The boss called me in the office today and told me, 'Willie, You screw up one more time, and you're fired!'

140-
The new Ensign was assigned to submarines, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch." 

141-
From the New Scientist "Feedback" column.
These are actual euphemisms used in accident reports used to bury bad news.
Uncontrolled thermal event - Fire.
Spontaneous rapid disassembly event - Explosion.
Unplanned loss of containment - Bursting.
Deconstructive deceleration - Crash.

142-
Letter to Send to People Who Won't Hire You
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,

143-
What I've Learned In The Corporate World
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.

144-
Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective dates of the previous evening, judging by their bedroom performance and conversation. 
The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because she said, "Lie back and relax. This won't hurt a bit."
The second concluded that his must have been a schoolteacher, because she had said, "Do it over and over until you get it right." 
The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess, because all she had said was, "Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally."

145-
"Happy System Admin Day!"
1. When you call us to have your computer moved or fixed, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. 
3. When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 user passwords. 
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all. 
5. When IT support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing. 
6. When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. 
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. 
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. Ditto for the microwave, timeclock, and coffee maker.Hell, if it plugs in, we're probably in charge of it anyway. 
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here. 
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors. 
11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. 
12. When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. 
13. When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?". That motivates us. 
14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. 
15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work. 
16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up". 
17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps. 
18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 40lb of computer sitting on top of them. 
19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them. 
20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you? 
21. When you find an IT person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway. 
22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap. 
23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics. 
24. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call IT Support. 
25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call IT Support. We love to hack. 
26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem. 
27. When you receive a 50MB movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server. 
28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue. 
29. When an IT person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end. 
30. When you lose your car keys or go to lunch, send an email to the entire company. People down in Las Vegas like to keep abreast of what's going on. 
31. When you bump into an IT person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends. 
32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature. 
33. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere. 
34. In no way do we believe that end-users are ungrateful. It hurts our feelings that one could even think such a thing on the basis of the above statements. In truth we wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of wonderful end-users portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible. We truly love you, end-users, you spice up our lives no end. 
"Happy System Admin Day!"

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