Sports
1-
Three guys were playing golf with a young lady who loved the game but wasn't very skilled. Somehow she managed to get on the green on one of the par 3s and was really excited as she looked over her 25-foot putt.
"I've never had a birdie in my life," she explained. "I'll give a blow job to the guy that can help me sink this putt."
The first guy tells her, "Play it about two feet left of the hole because it will break toward the right at the end".
The second golfer disagreed saying "Hit it firm and take the break out of it."
The third golfer looked at the 25-footer and said, "It's a gimme!"
2-
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"
3-
Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him.
He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor.
The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like an eagle. The doctor gave Jeb the old man's name and suggested that Jeb could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball.
Jeb, of course, didn't believe the doctor. The old guy was almost a century old, but could see like an eagle !? Well Jeb made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing.
On the first tee, Jeb drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went. He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?"
To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did."
Jeb asked, "Where did it go?",
Wilbur replied, "I forget!"
4-
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything cost one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It costs him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees; Golf: $1.00 Dinner: $1.00 Room: $1.00 Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00 He hits the ceiling! Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?" "I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost." "Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!" That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"
5-
This guy has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees an unusual speck on the horizon. As the speck gets closer and closer, he sees that it is not a boat, or even a small raft.... suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!" She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord!, don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
6-
A man goes golfing with his friend, Harry. He arrives home several hours late. His wife
asks, "What took you so long?" He replies, "Oh, Ethel, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, Harry had a heart attack and died on the spot!" Ethel
says, "Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!" The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen holes of 'hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...'"
7-
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge lump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart , the leprechaun
thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want -- unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life." A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says "It's great! I hit under par every time." The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a fifty pound note." The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you too. And how is your sex life?" The golfer looks at him shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week??????!!!!" The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
8-
A man, while playing the front nine on a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your
help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
9-
My, my, how time have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men chased 1 black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; Today they call it the PGA TOUR.
10-
Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought. They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, golf left-handed."
One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"
She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."
11-
A man and his wife were both avid golfers. As fate would have it, they both died at the same time, and arrived at the Pearly Gates together. St. Pete showed them around, and when they came to the GOLF COURSE, they were overwhelmed. It was GORGEOUS! THE WORKS, Fabulous GREENS, great CLUBHOUSE, the most magnificent set of clubs in history for each of them, in short, a golfers dream! As they teed off on the first hole, the guy looked at the wife, and said: "If it wasn't for your fucking oat-bran, we could have been here years ago."
12-
Kevin Keegan was getting worried that all his players were rubbish, so he phoned up a decent manager to ask for some advice. Alex Ferguson explained that he got all the United players to dribble round traffic cones, thus improving their close ball control. He suggested Kevin try this. Two weeks later, Fergie rang back to see how the they were coping with the new system. When he answered the phone, though, Keegan sounded quite annoyed. "Didn't my suggestion work?" asked Alex.
"Flaming traffic cones beat us 3-0" muttered Keegan
13-
Rugby World Cup 99
Seeing how the All Blacks were motivated by performing "The Haka" before their world cup games, the other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.
The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can beat them now.
The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads.
The Ireland team will spilt into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
Unfortunately the Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA.
Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forceably removed by the Stewards.
Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other thirteen whom they will coral between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves. They will have no support as the pubs are open and they have to work.
The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a hollywood blockbuster called "Saving No8 Lyle".
Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest the rest of the side to ransom.
The Italian team will arrive in red penis substituting cars, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch mow it and then claim that it was all in line with the European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time.
The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep lose in the opposition half and burn the officials.
The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with them in Sheperds Bush before beating up all the women on the touchline.
14-
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had only one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?" he asked. The other guy replied that he only needed one.
"Are you sure?" the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."
"Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?
"The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "You see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."
15-
A man starts his confession by telling the priest he has sinned by cursing the Lord and taking his name in vain.
The priest, who is Irish, asks, "And tell me my son, What were the grievous and calamitous circumstances that caused you to curse God and use his name in vain?"
The sinner says, "Well, father, I was playing golf, and I was finishing the best round ever, when on the 18th tee my drive slices into the rough."
"And surely, after playing such a magnificent round, that is what caused you to curse God."
"No father, I lucked out and the ball landed on a bare spot. I took my 6 iron and swung and hit the ball
well, it landed on the lip of the green and rolled into a sand trap below the green.
"And surely, my son, after escaping danger and making a wonderful second shot only to have the ball roll back into a trap is what caused you take the Lord's name in vain."
"No father, I took my sand wedge and I dug my feet in and I swung and sand and ball went into the air and the ball headed straight for the pin and hit the pole and bounced 2 feet from the hole."
The priest asked, "Is this hole a par 4?"
"yes, father", he says
"And you're hitting your 4th shot 2 feet from the hole?"
"Yes, Father"
"Jesus Christ, man, did you miss the god-dammed putt?"
16-
This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off
and he proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under
par, and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better,
even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole.
He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee, and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers.
Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if you're lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you've played today, I think you can make it."
So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.
Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day. People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!
He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews, and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th
hole, he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.
As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says "Sir, the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green."
The guy says "Are you out of your fuckin' mind? The last time I tried that I
double-bogied!"
17-
Two retired men were sitting in the bar at their local golf club, after an appalling round, in rainy, cold miserable conditions, with a pint of beer each.
"That was awful today," said the first man, staring at the table through his pint glass.
"Yeah, it was the worst I've ever played," replied the second.
"I wonder, do you think they have golf in heaven? I hope so. Just imagine it, the lush rolling hills, crystal clear lakes, immaculate greens, perfect conditions for golf. A heavenly course."
The second man looked at him, and thought for a moment. After a minute or so, he spoke.
"Well, my sister is a psychic. We could get her to make contact with some people in heaven, find out about the facilities."
"Great," exclaimed the first man.
"Well," continued the second man, "I'll find out, and I'll talk to you next Sunday when we play."
***The Next Week***
"So, did you speak to your sister?"
"I sure did, and she managed to get in touch with a few folks up in heaven", said the second man. "However, there's good news, and, I'm afraid, there's bad news."
"Well, tell me the good news first," said the first man.
"The good news is that there is awesome golf courses in heaven, just as we envisaged it. lush hills, crystal clear lakes, the lot."
"..and the bad news?" said the first man, his voice more hesitant
"The bad news is, you're off the first tee 9am tomorrow morning."
18-
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time, and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball, she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet. She looks up at the men who are watching and says, apologetically: "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have taken 'golf' lessons instead."
19-
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."
20-
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie wonder says, "I always find that why my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for awhile and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger Woods says, "You play golf?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
And Woods says, "But you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fair way, and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball towards his voice."
"Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that. When would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night!"
21-
Sir Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham into his office.
"David" he says, "I'm worried about your performance over the last few games. You've been bloody hopeless, completely off form."
"Sorry Gaffer", says David. "I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home."
"Oh dear" says Fergie, pretending to care. "What's up? Posh and Brooklyn and Romeo OK?"
"Oh, they're fine", says David. "It's just that something's been really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing my head up".
"What ever's the matter, son?" asks Fergie.
"Well Gaffer", says David, "it's pretty serious. Victoria bought me this jigsaw puzzle the other day and....."
"A bloody jigsaw?!!!" shouts Sir Alex. "You're playing shite because of a bloody jigsaw?!!!
"Yeah Gaffer, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!" says David. "It's really hard, it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and,....."
"David, David, David," says Fergie, "you'd better get a grip son. And quick!!!!"
"OK Gaffer, OK," says David, "but........it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I can't do it and it's doing my head in and.......and........and it's a tiger and it looks easy........and I can't make the bits fit and, it's really hard, and, er, sorry Gaffer and, er, it's a tiger, er....on the box....er.....sorry Gaffer."
"OK, OK, OK," says Sir Alex, "bring the jigsaw in and let's have a look at it, it can't be that difficult".
"Oh thanks Gaffer." says David.
So, the next day David brings the jigsaw in to Ferguson's office.
"Here it is, Gaffer." he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box.
"Look, Gaffer, it's this tiger, right? And it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a tiger." With that, Beck's empties all the pieces from the box onto Fergie's desk.
Fergie looks at what's on his desk, looks up with his head in his hands and says to Beckham.....................
"David, put the bloody Frosties back in the box."!!!
22-
Alex Ferguson is the one of the guests of honour at the Miss World Beauty pageant. During the interval all the guests and contestants are mingling over drinks. Sir Alex is besieged by three of the most beautiful women in the world.
Miss Venezuela pops the first question. "Sir Alex, I admire your management skills and all you have achieved and the trophies you have won."
Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers the left strap of her dress and reveals her left breast and says, "Can you autograph this please?"
Sir Alex now bemused, duly obliges.
Miss Croatia pops the second question. "Sir Alex, I admire the way you play psychological games with your opponents even before you play them."
Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers the right strap of her dress and reveals her right breast and says, "Can you autograph this please?"
Sir Alex, again bemused, duly obliges.
Miss Argentina pops the third question. "Sir Alex, I admire the way you motivate your players and shield them like they were your own sons." Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lifts up her dress and reveals the fact she is wearing no underwear at all, and says, "Can you please autograph this please."
Sir Alex totally gobsmacked by now says, "Hang on a minute love, no, no, no! Last time I signed an Argentinian
cunt it cost me 28 million pounds!"
23-
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in
the pro shop and says: 'I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.' The man
behind the counter says: 'The 18 holes of golf is no problem but all of the
caddies are out on the course. What I will do
for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're
willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how
well it works, your round of golf is on me today.'
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee,
looked at the fairway and said to himself: 'I think my driver will do the job.'
The robot caddie turned to the man and said: 'No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver
is far too much club for this hole.' Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3
wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the
right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter he said: 'I think this green is gonna break
left to right.' The robot then again spoke up and said: 'No sir. I do believe
this green will break right to left.' Thinking about the last time the robot
corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.
He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But
his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played,
thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked: 'How was your
game?' The golfer stated: 'It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played.. Thank
you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week. A week
passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he
turned to the man behind the counter and said: 'I would like 18 holes of golf
and one of those robot golf caddies, please...'
The guy behind the counter turned to the man and said: 'Well the 18 holes is no
problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.'
Confused, the golfer cried: 'COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained
about those robots? They were incredible' The man sighed and said: 'Well, it
wasn't their performance.
'It was that they were made of shiny silver metal and the sun reflecting off
them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way. ' The golfer said: 'So then
why didn't you just paint them black?' The man nodded sadly and replied: 'We
did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for state welfare and
the other two robbed the pro shop.'
24-
Alex Ferguson is watching a rather tame game at struggling Doncaster when he spots a young lad with real potential. Keen to build on his continued success by developing young talented players he approaches the lad and offers him a contract.
The day comes when the lad is about to play in his first game. Alex calls him aside to firm up on the details of the contract: "Right then lad, I've decided to start you on a salary of £25,000 per week.
The lad replies "£25,000 per week!!! I was lucky to get £250 at Doncaster!
Ferguson continues "Well son, we're talking Man United here.... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and think big! I've also arranged a house for you, a 7 bed detached in Wilmslow.....set in 5 acres with its own pool and tennis courts."
The lad is ecstatic "7 bed detached!!! I've only got a council flat at Doncaster!
Ferguson continues "I told you, we're talking Man United here... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and thinking! I've also arranged your transport, a Jaguar XK8 for the week and a Ferrari F50 for the weekend.
The lad is on cloud nine "A Jag and a Ferrari!!! I only had a Reliant Robin at Doncaster!
Ferguson continues "I told you, we're talking Man United here... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and keep thinking big! Right I will put you on at the start of the game, but don't be surprised If I pull you off at half time.
The lad can't believe it "Pull me off at half time!!!, I only got an orange at Doncaster!"
25-
He was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. The duffer exploded.
“You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!” he screamed.
“I doubt it!“ replied the caddy. “That would be too much of a coincidence.”
26-
During a long rain delay, the cricket announcer filled in some time by sharing some cricket trivia with his fellow presenter.
"Know who hit the most sixes between 1975 and 1985? I'll tell you -- it was none other than Ian Botham."
"Know who took the most wickets between 1975 and 1985? It was also Ian Botham."
"And who got hit on the chin with the most balls between 1975 and 1985?"
"Ian Botham?," ventured the fellow commentator.
"Nope," said the announcer, "It was Michael Barrymore."
27-
Golf Quotes
For Sale: Set of golf clubs at bargain price of $100. Telephone 555 2345 before six o'clock. If a man answers, hang up.
The reason it's called golf is that all the other four-letter words were already taken.
A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers.. neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil
"What do you do when your opponent claims to have found his ball in the rough and you have it in your pocket?"
"It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling."
28-
David Beckham decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse
unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as Posh stands back in admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror he grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety.
Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over.
Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered against the ground. He is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to his great fortune.....
The Sainsbury's security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.
29-
Four married guys go golfing.
During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy? I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to play this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' and she said, "Wear your sweater."
30-
There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day without fail. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first. The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer. When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation.
After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal and once more the woman performed sensational oral sex on the lawyer. This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, “Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic] But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sexual intercourse?”
“We can’t,” said the woman.
“Why not?” came the reply.
“Because I’m a transvestite” replied the woman.
“YOU BITCH!” screamed the lawyer, “...I CAN’T BELIEVE that you’ve been playing off the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!”
31-
A guy walks into a pub with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing an England cricketing jersey and cap and is festooned with little England flags.
The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!" The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV at home is broken, and this is the only place around here where we can watch the match!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game
The big game begins with England batting. In the first over they have scored 30 runs. With that the dog jumps up on the bar, gets onto his hind legs and begins walking up and down giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they win?"
The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him 12 years."
32-
Commentators Fuck-ups
“And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman)
"Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem" (Howard Wilkinson)
"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker)
"After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought" (Bobby Robson)
"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (David Coleman)
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)
"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe)
"Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew" (Harry Carpenter)
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables:"I think it's 50-50."
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo)
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised" (Ian McNail)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson)
"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost" (Frank Bruno)
"Henry Horton's got a funny stance. It looks as if he's shitting on a sooting stick." (Brian Johnstone)
"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)
"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people" (David Coleman)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"(Murray Walker)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"(StuartPearce)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)
"Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering)
"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansell. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers" (Murray Walker)
"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood)
"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)
"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation" (RonPickering)
"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect" (Ted Lowe)
"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him" (Stuart Pearson)
"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right" (Marlon Starling)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (John Snagge - Boat Race)
"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)
33-
At one point during a cub football game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together, as a team?"
The little boy nodded, yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a penalty is called, or you're offside, you don't argue or curse or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now, go over to the touchline and explain it to your mother."
34-
A college rugby forward married one of the team's cheerleaders.
The coach said, "You're such a big guy--why did you marry such a petite woman? She's no bigger than your hand."
"That's right, Coach," replied the big guy, "but she's much better!"
35-
No one ever says It's only a game, when their team is winning.
36-
These are actual quotes by Commentators at various sporting events.
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
- Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
- Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
- Terry Venables
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
- Ron Atkinson
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
- Metro Radio
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
- David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics
"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them......Oh my God, what have I just said?"
- Stu Nahan, USTV Commentator
37-
RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF
1:Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2:Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3:Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4:For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5:Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6:The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again!
7:It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8:Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9:Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10:Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11:Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12:Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13:Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
14:It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15:The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
16:Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at any given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses.
17:Players
are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner.
18:It is considered
bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you
38-
My wife said to me, "George, it is about time that you learned to play golf, you know, golf, that's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women."
So, I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said, sure, you've got balls, haven't you?
I said, yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find.
Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow he said and we will tee off.
What's tea off, I asked?
He said, it's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.
Not the barn somewhere. No, no, he said, a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger.
Yeah, I've got one of those.
Well, he said, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.
I asked do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around.
You do, he said, You're standing up when you put your ball on the tee.
Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a little too far, and I said so.
He said "You've got a bag haven't you?"
"Sure" I said.
He said "your balls are in it, aren't they?"
Of course, I told him.
Well, he said, can't you open the bag and take one out?
I said, I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to.
He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him, no, I'm the old fashioned type.
Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club.
Well, after fifty years I should have some sort of an idea, and I told him so.
He said, you take your club in both hands folks, I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about.
Then he said you swing it over your shoulder.
No, no, that's not me, that's my brother you're thinking about.
He asked me, how do you hold your club, and before I thought I said, "in two fingers".
He said that wasn't right and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how.
He couldn't catch me there, because I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing.
He said you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar, I said I could well imagine.
Then, he said, and when you're on the green, what's the green, I asked.
No, then you take your putter, what's the putter, I asked.
That's the smallest club made, he said.
That's what I've got, a putter.
With it, he said, you put your ball in the hole.
I corrected you mean the putter?
He said, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter.
Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.
Then he said, after you make the first hole, you go on to the next seventeen.
He wasn't talking to me. After two holes, I'm shot to hell.
You mean he said you can't make eighteen holes in one day?
Hell no, it takes me eighteen days to make one hole and besides, how do I know when I'm in the eighteenth hole?
He said, the flag would go up. That would be just my luck.
39-
A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound & your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf."
40-
This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village. Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement. After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light. His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. She's really pleased to have met this guy. At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance. The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter. Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion! After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN. The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself. "Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola. Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed. It was at this point that she smashed straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team.
41-
So Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson goes on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", and he gets to the £500,000 question. And Chris Tarrant asks him: "What animal lives in a sett? Is it:
A) A rabbit
B) A cuckoo
C) A sheep
D) A badger?"
Fergie thinks for some time, and says: "That's a hard one, Chris, I'll have to go 50:50."
Tarrant orders: "Computer, take away two wrong answers", and Fergie is left with:
B) A cuckoo, or
D) A badger
Fergie still isn't sure, so he tells Chris: "Sorry Chris, I think I'll phone a friend."
Tarrant is surprised when Fergie nominates none other than "wonderboy" Man United player and England captain David Beckham to take the call.
Beckham answers the phone at his home in Spicey Mansions, and is presented with the question and the two remaining options by Fergie. Beckham states with assured authority: "Oh it's definitely a badger, boss!" Fergie asks if he's sure and gets confirmation from "the gifted one". So Fergie gives his reply to Tarrant and walks away with half a million quid.
Next day in training, Fergie says: "Becksy, tell us how come ye were so sure of the answer last night?"
Beckham replies: "Oh that was easy, boss. Everyone knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock."
42-
The office-boy had taken the afternoon off to attend his uncle's funeral. His boss, a keen football fan, went the same afternoon to watch a match between Aberdeen and Celtic, and he saw the office-boy among the crowd. 'So this is your uncle's funeral, is it?' he said sarcastically. 'I shouldn't be at all surprised,' said the office boy. 'He's the referee.'
43-
Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams.
The first one asks, "Oh Lord when will England next win the World Cup?"
God Replies, "In the next five years."
"But I'll be dead by then," says the man.
The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Forest next win the European Cup? "
The Good Lord - answers, "In the next ten years."
"But I'll be dead by then," says the man.
The third one asks, "Oh Lord when will Derby win the Premier League?".
God answers, "I'll be dead by then!"
44-
A man desperate at Aston Villa's current situation decides to top himself.
In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full Villa kit as his last statement.
A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police.
On arrival, the police quickly remove the Villa kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why.
The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your family."
45-
THE HORSES IN THE RACE ARE...
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry
AT THE POST
And they're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot.
AT THE HALF-WAY MARK
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open, and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.
AT THE STRETCH
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
AT THE FINISH
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head... Bare Belly shows... Thighs weakens... Heavy Bosom pulls up... and Clean Sheets never had a chance.
46-
Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman.
Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Spurs hat over one breast. The second guy, a Liverpool fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Manchester United fan then placed his hat over the woman's very private part.
Soon a policeman arrived and started checking over the body.
He picked up the Spurs hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Liverpool hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Man United Fan hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time.
By this time, the Man United fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?"
The copper responded with a wry smile, "Son, I can't figure this one out. Usually when I come across one of these Man United hats, there's an arsehole under it."
47-
Two old friends met at the golf course. "How's it going?" asked the first guy.
"Not so good," said the second. "My wife's divorcing me."
"Why that's terrible said the first. "What happened?"
"I made a five and half footer on the eighteenth green," he replied.
"So what's wrong with making a putt?" the first guy asked.
"It wasn't a putt - It was a brunette
48-
One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball. After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole. Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the parking lot.
She's got tears streaming down her face. Just as she reaches the raised tee, she screams out, "You bastard! I can't believe it! How could you do that?"
The golfer calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway. He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says, "Hey...I said only if it's raining"
49-
David Beckham is doing an after dinner talk. Finishing up, he says "And the best thing about them is that they are only two calories, and they keep you breath fresh for up to two hours."
"David?" said a guy at the back, "We asked you to talk about tactics."
50-
THIS SIGN WAS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
51-
Reasons Why Women Are Like Football Pitches
1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends, but one end per 45 minutes is favourable.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always tread carefully when leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.Conversely,
DO NOT
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
18. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
19. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.
20. Handling balls is allowed.
21. Some protection should be worn (not shin pads)
22. Wearing a football strip is not necessary, although some MPs seem to derive
pleasure from it.
23. Seaman should be in the box but has been known to dribble out.
24. The taller your main striker the more chance of you scoring week-in,
week-out.
25. Photos of favourite grounds are useful for shooting and dribbling practice.
26. Grounds love having studs pressed against them for 90 minutes at a time.
27. Some rich clubs may make ground improvements, especially with regard to
their East & West stands.
29. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can
sometimes be
30. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a
month,
31. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being
allowed to play
32. As the spot can be very indistinct on some pitches you may need to ask the
pitch
33. If there is a strong wind you need to be careful which end you choose.
34. Use your subs wisely so that you have a hard man on for the climax of the
game. You
52-
Are Footballers Thick?
Interviewer: 'Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?'
David Beckham: 'Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side.'
'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.' - David Beckham
'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.' - Mark Viduka
'He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.' - Ronnie Whelan
'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.' - David Beckham
'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.' - Neville Southall
'We lost because we didn't win.' - Ronaldo
'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.' - Paul Gascoigne
'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.' - Alan Shearer
'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.' - Mark Draper
'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.' - Peter Shilton
'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.' - Stan Collymore
'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.' - Ade Akinbiyi
'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.'- Ian Wright
'It was a big relief off my shoulder.' - Paul Gascoigne
'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.' - Ugo Ehiogu
'It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.' - Ian Wright
'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough.' - Jonathan Woodgate
'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.' - Stuart Pearce
'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.'- Lee Hendrie
'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'- Ian Rush
'If you're 0-0 down, there's no-one better to get you back on terms than Ian Wright.' - Robbie Earle
'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today.' - Steve Lomas
'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.' - Barry Venison
'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.' - David Beckham
'The Brazilians were South America, and the Ukranians will be more European.' - Phil Neville
'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.' - Mitchell Thomas
'The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.' - Graeme Le Saux
'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.' - Alan Shearer
'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.' - Johnny Giles
'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.' - Thierry Henry
'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.'- Les Ferdinand
'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.' - Richard Rufus
'There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.' - Gary Lineker
'Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.' - Vinny Jones
53-
Inside The Mind Of Man City's Latest Saviour, Kevin Keegan
MANCHESTER CITY fans can rest easy that their troubled club's destiny is finally
in the right hands. And here, from the horse-lover's mouth, is the evidence...
"One of his strengths is not heading."
"He can't speak Turkey, but you can tell he's delighted."
"The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup
comes around, if they're not careful."
"There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight."
"England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football
nation in the world.
"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's nothing like him,
but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different."
"In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg."
"Despite his white boots, he has real pace..."
"That would have been a goal if it wasn't saved."
"Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late 20s or
30s."
"The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the
starting line-up today."
"The ref was vertically 15 yards away."
"England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second to
none."
"The tide is very much in our court now."
"Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no
choice."
"It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle,
up pops a yellow card."
"There are two schools of thought on the way the rest of this half is going
to develop; everybody's got their own opinion..."
"I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at
half-time."
"The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise they could win this
match or lose it."
"I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona."
"I know what is around the corner. I just don't know where the corner
is."
"You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw."
"...using his strength. And that is his strength, his strength."
"I'm not disappointed - just disappointed."
"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose."
"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that
it's totally different."
"Argentina are the second-best team in the world, and there's no higher
praise than that."
"A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly
came off."
"The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the
game."
"That decision, for me, was almost certainly definitely wrong."
54-
Ski season is here. The following is a list of exercises to help you prepare:
Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
Throw away a £50 note - now.
Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
Go to McDonald's and insist on paying £8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing.
55-
The Republic of Ireland soccer team are having a meeting on the eve of a pre-World Cup friendly against England, and Mick McCarthy says to the lads: "Look lads, I know England are absolutely shite and we don't want to play them, but we have to or face the wrath of the FAI and UEFA".
Roy Keane peps up: "I've an idea, boss. Why don't yee all go down to the pub and let me play them on my own, after all, I'm good enough to beat them myself. And remember, they are totally shite!!"
"Brilliant idea, Roy," says Mick, "let's do that!"
On the day of the game, the lads are in the pub playing pool when Quinny remembers the match is on. He flicks the teletext on and up comes the score: ENGLAND 0, IRELAND 1 (KEANE, 10 min) The lads cheer and get the drinks in.
At about 4.50 pm, they go to the teletext again and up comes the score: ENGLAND 1 (BECKHAM, 93 min), IRELAND 1 (KEANE, 10 min)
"Oh fook that!" cries McCarthy, "What the fook went wrong?"
They all leave the bar and jump into taxis and head back to Lansdowne Road. They rush in to find Keane sitting in the dressing room with his head in his hands.
"Well Roy, what the hell happened?!?" screams McCarthy. Roy protests, "it was all going well and I had the game under control, when the fucking ref sent me off in the 12th minute."
56-
Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course.
They didn't bother to wave the men on through and after two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."
He walked out on the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world."
57-
Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio...
Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by
Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude: "There's something big growing between my legs."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they
were laughing so hard!
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
On UTV the weather forcaster was being intervied by Frank Mitchell, She said live on TV " Frank, fancy a quick shag."
58-
The Manchester United players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just before the game, when Roy Keane walks in. "Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."
"Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I."
59-
In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A football coach?"
60-
A nameless but famous American golfer once went to Japan to play in a tournament.
After a few days out on the course practicing, he was getting bored and the night before the start of the tournament, he found himself in a bar in Tokyo and chatting to a beautiful Japanese girl.
They had a few drinks, he took her out to a sushi restaurant and invited her back to his hotel room.
They got it on and had a wild night of sex, trying all sorts of positions.
Whilst they were doing it doggy-style the Japanese girl was writhing around and shouting out, "Kuroshiro ho-ru! Kuroshiro ho-ru!"
The golfer was ecstatic at her orgasmic screaming, and satisfied, he fell into a deep sleep.
He woke up in the morning to find the girl gone and got up to ready himself for his big day on the golf course.
He met up with his Japanese caddy, had a few practice drives and putts and the usual pre-round preparation.
He was pleased to see that there was a big crowd waiting for him at the first tee. They were cheering to see this famous golfer but gradually a hush fell and they waited expectantly.
Nonchalantly and, not without a little arrogance, he put his ball down, took a few practice swings and then cracked
what he thought was a pretty good 275 yard drive down the first fairway.
The crowd started shouting and he was amazed to hear them saying, "Kuroshiro ho-ru! Kuroshiro ho-ru!"
Convinced that this was a Japanese phrase of the highest compliment, he turned to his caddy and asked, "Ruchi, what does 'Kuroshiro ho-ru!' mean in English?"
"Well, now, Arnie-san", the caddy replied, "It means 'Wrong hole'!"
61-
Three aspiring golfers were taking lessons from a pro. The first guy hit the ball far to the right. "That was due to LOFT," said the pro.
The second man hit his ball far to the left. "That, too, was due to LOFT," said the pro again.
The third golfer took a swing, and the ball just went a few feet and stopped. "Once again, it's LOFT," the pro claimed.
"Well, what exactly do you mean by LOFT?" asked the third golfer.
"Lack of fucking talent," replied the pro.
62-
Rumours that David Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a Brussels nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by the English FA. Adam Crozier, chief publicity officer stated: "I find it totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to or at anyone."
63-
64-
This American football player named Smith was an avid hunter and it was the last day of deer season but also the last game of the season. He tells his wife " I've been just sitting on the bench all season so would you put on my uniform and take my place while I go hunting?" The wife agrees and he goes hunting while she goes to the game.
The last three minutes of the game the coach yells "Smith, you're in !"
She can't say anything because her husband would lose his contract and probably get sued, she thinks what can happen in just three minutes
so she goes into the game.
The next thing she knows she has the ball and all these guys are jumping on her and she passes out. When she comes to she's stark naked in the locker room and the coach sees her coming around and says " Don't worry Smith, as soon as we get your balls back down where they belong, your pecker will pop out !"
65-
A WEEK AT THE GYM
This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary...
For my 5oth birthday this year, my husband (the sweet dear) purchased me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape (from playing on my high school softball team), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce, who described himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor, and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my sudden enthusiasm to get started. Well, the club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress, so here it goes:
Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday: I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the fucking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the fucking Weather Channel.
Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
66-
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.
"'Putt' is correct," he replied." 'Put' means to place a thing where you want it, of course. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."
67-
A murder has been committed.
Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five."
68-
Tina lives in London, married to an oil rigger, pots of money, luxury apartment, Ferrari, but bored shitless, as the old man is working away all the time. One steamy Sunday afternoon she grabs the Ferrari and goes for a drive.
She comes across Watty, standing at the traffic lights waiting to cross the road. She beckons him over and invites him for a ride. Halfway round the block she invites him back to her place.
"Mix a couple of drinks," she says, "I'll just slip into something a little more comfortable". She's back in a few minutes wearing a very, very sheer negligee. She saunters up to him and asks if her appearance "make him excited".
"Oh yes," he stammers, "I am quite excited".
"And tell me," she asks, "have you ever been this excited before?"
"Oh!" he replies, "I remember a few years back when I was full back for England at Twickers, against the All Blacks, I was quite excited then".
She tries to look impressed, slips off a strap and starts to fondle a tit. "And tell me," she asks, "does this excite you?"
"Oh yes," he replies.
"And tell me," she asks, as she grabs his hand and rubs it against her chest. "Have you ever been this excited before?"
"Oh yes," he replies, "I remember in the game against the All Blacks at Twickers, we had 1 minute to go and we were losing 20 points to 26, and I got the ball out of the scrum and I said to myself now come on old chap we need a try to win, and I got hold of the ball and started to run and the field opened up before me, so that there was nothing between me and the try line but Jonah Lomu, and I could hear the crowd cheering and I knew what a good tackler Jonah Lomu was, so I said to myself, there is only one thing to do old chap, so I chipped the ball over his head, side stepped him, got the bounce and went on to score a try right on time".
"I bet you were excited then?" she said, as she let the negligee drop to the floor.
"Oh yes I was quite excited," he said.
"And tell me," she asked as she grabbed his hand and thrust it between her legs. "Have you ever felt a cunt like this before?"
"Yes, when I missed the conversion."
69-
A man is walking down the street in London when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building. On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby.
The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll catch it!"
"No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and she'll be killed!"
"No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am David Seaman. I was the goalkeeper for England in Euro 96 and I didn't miss a match all through the tournament. In all that time I only let the ball into my net a few times."
"What? Hardly ever?" calls the woman.
"Yes!" shouts back the man. "Every football player in the land agrees that I was the best keeper in the competition and I'm now worth over 3 million pounds ".
And with that he adopts the classic goalkeepers stance - legs apart and slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body, with palms facing forward.
"OK!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she comes!"
So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from the window. However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the woman's watch with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels and with her little arms and legs flailing.
The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish because she will fall out of reach of the man.
The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only feet from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across the pavement, catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with his left hand and arm. He hits the ground heavily on his right side and lies motionless on the pavement for a few seconds. Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet and turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive.
The crowd is awe-struck. Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. The man, still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation.
Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice on the ground, and kicks her 60 yards down the road...
70-
A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of golf clubs with him.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers.
"Well," he says, "this isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"
71-
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy golf course and I was beginning my pre shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was so deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled "Would the man on the women's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike, cupped my hands and shouted back.... "Would the CUNT in the clubhouse kindly shut the FUCK up and let me play my second shot!!"
72-
RUGBY UNION NEWS
Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, the IRB has now agreed to the following pre-match displays in the World Cup.
1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world and how it is not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team.
2. The Scotland team will chant ' You lookin' at me, jimmy?' before smashing Iron Bru bottles over their opponents' heads.
3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the southern half performing a riverdance. While the Northerners march the Traditional route from their own dressing room to the pitch , via their opponents dressing room.
4. Unfortunately the committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA !
5. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own 'Las In-Goalas-Areas' and then be forcibly removed by two under- 14 players .
6. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
7. The USA team will not attend until halftime. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called ' Saving No. 8 Lyle'!
8. Five of the Canadian team will sing the' marseillaise' and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
9. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away
10. The Spanish team will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim it was all in line with European grass quotas. They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until halftime when their appeal for compensation will be heard.
11. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in formation before buying the ground ( with a subsidy from the UK government )
12. The French will declare that they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the half way line, let sheep loose in the opposition half ( much to the delight of the Welsh ) and burn the officials.
13. The Australians will have a Barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush.
14. The Tongans/ Samoans and Fijians will have a joint ' Haka ' to outdo the upstart New Zealanders and end up frightening each other so much they do not want to play
73-
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd
you like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch... do it and you die."
74-
Three guys entered a disabled swimming contest. The first had no arms, the second no legs and the third was only a head. The whistle blew and they were all in the pool.
The guy with no arms took the lead instantly, but the one with no legs was catching up quickly. The head, of course, sank right to the bottom.
Several lengths later, the guy with no legs finished first.
As he looked around, he could still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decided he had better dive
down to rescue him.
He dove down, picked up the head and swam back up to the surface. When he placed the head at the side of the pool,
the head began coughing and sputtering.
When the head finally caught his breath, he shouted, "I've spent over three years learning how to swim with my fucking
ears, then two minutes before the whistle some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
75-
A husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed
from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help. " she said.
The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help."
A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'll come and help."
"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"
"Hey! I told you not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt.
"Everyone's agreed to let him play through."
76-
A Little Welsh lad is practicing his free kicks at Derby. He has one of those portable goals which he moves around to change the angle so he can shoot from different areas of the field. He takes 50 kicks at goal, everyone finds the back of the net.
John Gregory is watching in the stands and walks down to talk to the young man. "How old are you son?" asks the hair dying County Boss
"13" Replies the young fellow.
"Well I am very impressed with your shooting" continues the raven headed manager, "and I must say if you continue in this vein of form, when you get older you may be good enough to play for the Derby 1st team"
"Fuck off" said our hero "it's bad enough being Welsh"
77-
Announcing a brand new football comic strip.......Roy of the Rapists.
78-
Sports Quotes
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (1996)
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Pantheon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured co-captain out for the toss next time too." (1981)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating." (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, responded "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
79-
Johnson, Dallaglio and Wilkinson are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.
God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Johnno first he asks, "what do you believe?"
Johnson looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Rugby to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the grim North to the bright lights of Twickenham. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club." God looks up and offers Johnno the seat to his left.
He then turns to Lawrence , "and you, Lol , what do you believe?" Lol stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits." God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Dallaglio the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Wilkinson, "and you, Jonny, what do you believe?"
"I believe..." says Wilkinson "... you're sitting in my seat"
80-
The real reason Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves is that he thought it would be good for basketball.
81-
Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog?
A: Because they can't hold on to a lead!
Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer!
Q: Why do English Footballers make better lovers than French and German Footballers?
A: The English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 Minutes and still come second!
Q: What have the England Football team and a 3-pin plug got in common?
A: They are both useless in Europe!
82-
Question:
What do you say to a football player in an Armani suit?
Answer:
"Will the defendant please rise..."
83-
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said,
“Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine.”
Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight member said ,“I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently.”
“Hmm?” said the manager. “And are you sure you having nothing else to add?”
“Well, yes,” said the member. “I lie extensively.”
84-
George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. His ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. "You look like a golfer. Are you any good?"
George replies, "Absolutely.... I got here in two, didn't I?"
85-
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple spin and loses the
centre during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his
wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the heck can you give that mess 6.0?!"
To which the Irish judge replies "You've got to remember, it's awful slippery out there."
86-
Winthrop found the following ransom note slipped under his front door: "if you ever want to see your wife alive again, bring $50,000 to the 17th green at your country club tomorrow at 10:00am."
But it was after 1:00pm by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot.
A masked man stepped out from behind the bushes and demanded, "You're over three hours late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Winthrop, pointing to his scorecard. "I'm a 27 handicap."
87-
Two men are talking at work Monday morning.
First man: "What did you do this weekend?"
Second man: "Dropped hooks into water."
First man: "Fishing, huh?"
Second man: "No, golfing."
88-
A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast.
It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short into the ocean. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.
Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball and said a silent prayer. Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said, "WAIT... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND NEW BALL."
He complied excitedly, convinced the Lord was telling him that he was finally going to achieve his lifelong ambition.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again, "WAIT...STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING." So he stepped back and took a practice swing.
The voice boomed out again, "LET ME SEE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING." He swung again. Silence followed.
Then the voice spoke out again. "PUT BACK THE OLD BALL."
89-
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests golf courses.
They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise them to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
Golfers should be able to recognise the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and reek of pepper spray!
90-
The contrast between English and European footballers was thrown into sharp focus yesterday.
Asked what he thought about the former Spurs boss Christian Gross, Frenchman David Ginola told The Sun: "When we were together every day, it was like being with a woman that you don't love anymore. You have to eat with them in the kitchen. There is silence and sometimes there are rows. When you get a new manager, it is like being with a new woman."
Asked exactly the same question, the sometime England keeper Ian Walker said that Gross was "a
wanker."
91-
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, “Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?”
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he’s the pro at a
neighbouring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money.
The Priest says, “No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro says, “Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
The Priest says, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you.”
92-
Beckham's diary
MONDAY:
Talk about baby names in training. Yorkie says why not call him "Juan", after the number of brain cells I have. I laugh along but I don't get it.
Talk to the gaffer about it. Tell him I'm thinking of naming the baby after myself. Boss says that no kid would appreciate being called a whingeing egotistical bastard. Suggests I name baby after him.
TUESDAY:
Posh says no child of hers will be called a moaning Scottish git. In training, Yorkie asks why my missus is called Posh; I explain it's because she's a classy bird. Everyone laughs but I don't know why.
WEDNESDAY:
Talk to the journo who's writing my autobiography. Boss gets us motivated for the match by telling me I'll be playing against the man who cheated in the Argentina game during the World Cup. Didn't even know Owen had signed for Inter.
In training boss tells me to practise shooting before getting into the box. Yorkie says I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now if I'd done that before. Everyone laughs but I don't get it.
THURSDAY:
Wow! Boss calls me in and gives me a ten grand a week pay rise. I never asked for it but he explains that I'll need it to keep the child in new Man United strips.
FRIDAY:
Gosh, I'm a dad. It's going to mean a whole change to my lifestyle. Now I'm going to have to maintain a nanny too. Decide to call it Brooklyn as that's where it was conceived during a weekend away. Yorkie says thank
fuck it wasn't that Saturday we played up the Arsenal. Everyone laughed but I didn't get it.
93-
A Leicester City player was in
La Manga where he came across a German bird he fancied
He shouts to her "do you fancy a shag "
She replies " nein"
He say’s "O.K. I'll go and get eight of my mates"
94-
Manchester United
have set up a Call Centre for fans who are troubled by their current form.
The number is 0800 10 10 10.
Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.
Once again the number is...
0800 won nothing, won nothing, won nothing.
95-
For Sale...
One Arsenal dartboard.
No doubles or trebles on it.
96-
Two golfers were waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman ran across the fairway and into the woods.
Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand were chasing her, and a little old man was bringing up the rear. One of the golfers asked the old man, "What the hell is going on?"
The old guy said, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and us
attendants are trying to catch her."
The golfer said " What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"
The old guy said, "That's his handicap. He caught her the last time."
97-
Posh and Becks are travelling back from Heathrow Airport to Central London. "Where you been?" asks the cabbie.
"New York," says Beckham. "We saw a show and did some shopping." "Did you have any nice meals?" asks the cabbie.
"Yes, one really great one." "What was the name of the restaurant?" asks the cabbie. "Dunno. I can't remember. Name some big railway stations in London," says Beckham. The cabbie begins: "Waterloo, Paddington, Victoria .." Beckham interrupts excitedly: "That's it! Victoria, what was the name of that restaurant we went to...?"
98-
Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon.
His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress.
Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis.
This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.
Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, "For God's sake what are you waiting for?"
Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her,
"I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink."
99-
In the clubhouse one-woman golfer said to another, "I got injured between the first and second hole."
"That’s a bitch," said the other woman, "You will never get a band aid to stick there!"
100-
Health and fitness Q and A
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now go have a cookie...flour is a veggie!
PS : If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales.
101-
An older couple are playing in the annual golf club championship.
They are playing in a playoff hole and the championship comes down to a 6 inch putt which the wife has to make. The woman is trembling as she takes her stance. Then, she putts and... misses. They lose the match.
On the way home in the car, the woman's husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick!"
The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies, "Yes dear, but it was much, much harder...!"
102-
One fine day, Jim and Bill are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search for his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny.
As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bill, come here; I've got some trouble down here."
Bill comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Jim? Everything OK?"
Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can't get out of here with a 7."
103-
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW!
He hits the ball 250 yards. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife
listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says with a straight face.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"
104-
(For
Euro 2004 Fans)
Why are Englishmen better lovers than Frenchmen?
Only Englishmen can be on top for 90 minutes, and still finish second!
105-
Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found dead in a French footballers flat.
News reports state that it was "Murder on Zidane's Floor" !!
106-
There was a fire at 'Beckingham Palace', home of David Beckham, the football star, and his family.
Fortunately, nobody was hurt, and there was only minor damage.
It did, however, burn both his books, including the one he was colouring.
107-
Good news... Bad news....
THE GOOD NEWS "SADDAM IS FACING THE DEATH PENALTY", THE BAD NEWS "BECKHAM's TAKING IT" !!
108-
Ronaldo, Luis Figo and David Beckham are standing in Heaven before the throne of God. God looks at them and says; "And so here you are to face your Lord and maker. I shall ask each of you a question."
Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "Ronaldo, one of the world's greatest football players, what is it that you believe brought you here before me?" Ronaldo looks God in the eye and says passionately, "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so Many people, from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people, with little else, who stood on the terraces supporting their team." God smiles and offers Ronaldo a seat to his left.
He then turns to Luis Figo, "And similarly you, Luis, a hero to so many, what do you think it was brought you to my throne?" Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these commitments." God, moved by the passion of his speech offers Figo a seat to his right.
He then turns to Beckham, "And you, David. Presumably you want your ball back?"
109-
Dear Abbey
I have been so blessed in my life. Great parents, great
wife and kids, great job, and a great education. When I finally retired, I could
hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favourite pastime -bass fishing. I got my
own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never
liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking
to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We
quickly became fishing buddies. As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing;
she not only refuses to join us, she always complains that I spend too much time
fishing. A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did
I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam
must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two
nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife, hoping that maybe
she'd get interested. Instead, she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all
anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see
me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue
my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks, A Fisherman
P. S. I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass we caught.
110-
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player. They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE. "What's that?" the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.
"NO, no! Calm down," the man replies. "This will say ADIDAS in a minute."
111-
Executives at the English Football Association’s headquarters in Soho Square, London are faced with a dilemma when travelling - to take a chauffeur-driven car or use the company bike.
112-
Today, Great Britain won a gold in the
Olympics for whitewater rafting.
It was won by 2 men from Cornwall in a transit van!
113-
Lance Armstrong may be stripped of 6th Tour de France title...
CNN is reporting that Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his 6th Tour de France title. In a random check for banned substances, 3 were found in Armstrong's hotel room. The 3 substances banned by the French, that were found in his hotel room were as follows:
(1) Toothpaste
(2) Deodorant
(3) Soap
The French officials also found several other items which they had never seen before including a testicle and a backbone...
114-
Little Johnny was in his nursery class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman.
Johnny, however, was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some screaming fag and take it up the arse."
The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and took little Johnny aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "he really plays for "Manchester United", but I was too embarrassed to say"
115-
What's the similarity between Adolf Hitler and Paula Radcliffe?
Neither of them could finish off a race.
116-
Wayne Rooney has been made Manchester United's 'Vice-Captain'
117-
A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, and your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the golf course. What's your secret?"
Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."
118-
Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostitute for the new season? They needed two tight ends and a wide receiver.
119-
Last summer Jim met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Jim said to his lady friend.. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now." "Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker." "I
see", Jim replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
120-
Bob was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football match, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.
"Hey," Bob shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"
"I'm sick of sports, I'm sick of TV," she replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think David Beckham gets laid?"
121-
The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly agreed just for the sake of martial harmony.
He got the first shot. He teed off, a par four, and fired a drive 300 yard down the middle of the fairway.
When they reached the ball, he said to his wife (a novice golfer), "Just hit it towards the green, hon, anywhere around there will be fine."
She proceeded to knock the ball deep into the woods.
Undaunted, he said, "That's ok, dear, we'll play it." He spent five full minutes looking for the ball. He played it for the shot of his life and actually put the ball just two feet from the hole on the green.
Arriving on the green he said, "Now, dear, all you have to do is knock it gently into the hole." She whacked it a good one, right off the green and into a sand trap.
The husband, still retaining his composure, marched into the sand trap, summoned all of his skill, and amazingly holed the shot from there.
Retrieving the ball from the hole he put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey -- one over par -- but that's ok. I think we can do better on the next hole."
She snapped back at him, "Don't bitch at ME. Only 2 of those 5 shots were mine!"
122-
The golfer's wife was in full flight. "If you ever spent a Sunday with me instead of playing golf I swear I would drop dead," she screamed.
"There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the husband.
123-
A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh, God, no!" cries the man. "My career is over! Please, Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it, Doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well, and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great." said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in
watercolours."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a success."
"Well, there is one problem," said the golfer, "every time I try to jerk off I get a headache!"
124-
A man was golfing with a friend and went to the restroom. When he came out he sighed audibly and his friend said to him, "Feel better?" "Yeah," he said, "It's the only place on the whole course where nobody tells me how to improve my stance or change my grip!"
125-
A letter recently received by the customer services department of B&Q
Dear Sir/Madam
My congratulations to you on getting a yacht to leave the UK on 28th November 2004, sail 27,354 miles around the world and arrive back 72 days later.
Could you please let me know when the kitchen I ordered 96 days ago will be arriving from your warehouse 13 miles away?
Yours sincerely,
126-
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw'em forever!"
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he jerked off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
127-
Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth member of their group lay dead in a bunker. A club official was called to calm the row, "What's the trouble here?" he asked.
"My partner has had a stroke, and these two bastards want to add it to my score."
128-
David Beckham runs home early from training one afternoon and dashes to the bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting like a steam train. Becks asks her suspiciously: "What are you doing?" Posh stutters a reply: "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack!" "Oh no," he cries in despair, "I'll call an ambulance". He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialling 999. However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn. "What's the matter, son?" he asks. "Uncle Giggsy 's in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy," sniffles Brooklyn. Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door. Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers. "You idiot Giggsy," screams Becks: "my wife's over there having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the shit out of Brooklyn!"
129-
An avid male golfer's buddies were going to be out of town for the weekend so he decided to go down to the golf course and see if any group might need a fourth member. Sure enough there were three women and they were glad to have him join them.
Since he was the guest, they decided to let him tee off first. The man teed off and his ball sliced badly to the right and landed in a sand trap. The man immediately exclaimed "Oh shit!"
One of the women reminded him that he was playing with three ladies and not his male buddies and that ladies do not appreciate that kind of language. The man promptly apologized and promised it would not happen again.
The woman who had spoken to him about the cursing then teed off and her ball hit a tree and then caromed off into the same sand trap. She immediately said "Oh shit!"
The man spoke up and said that he realized he was a guest but it seemed like there was a double standard in that the woman used the same word that he was told he should not use.
The woman quickly replied, "There's no double standard. Your ball didn't hit the fucking tree!"
130-
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a. m?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
131-
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden.....POOF ! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.......As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!! Then POOF!......she was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells: "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Dave shouts back: "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING !"
132-
FEMALE GOLFING TERMS
CADDY--2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.
CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again.
DOUBLE BOGIE -- "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."
FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license.
GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.
HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new pantyhose.
IRON -- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.
SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
SLICE -- "No thanks. . .just a sliver."
TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.
WATER HAZARD -- Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.
WEDGE -- Bathing suit that's too tight
133-
"Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife, "Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind."
"That," said Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive, it would be a short putt."
134-
Vietnamese National Football Eleven
Goalkeeper Yu Kak In Gol
Defence Left Noh Leht Yu Pas
Defence Left Centre Tahll Fuk Hed Bahl
Defence Right Centre Bihg Fuk Buhst Lehg
Defence Right Me Kwik Yu Slo
Midfield Left Me Tu Fahst Fo Yu
Midfield Left Centre Me Roi Keen
Midflied Right Centre Me Kan Fuk Yu Up
Midfield Right Su Per Son Ik
Striker Noh Scor Yeht
Striker Hihm Noh Fuk Kin Guhd
135-
A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.
When the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.
"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.
"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'OH, SHIT!"
136-
East London¹s Olympic Bid
The people of East London are to be congratulated after having been successful in their bid to host the 2012 Olympics. However, there has been requests that some of the events and traditions are modified in order to give the locals a greater chance of winning medals. The International Olympic Committee is therefore being asked to consider establishing the Olympic Village in Barking. Showers will be in full working order as soon as the copper piping is brought back, but arrangements have been made if necessary, to use Dagenham Common Lake. The use of drugs will be closely monitored. A spokesperson said that drugs would be available only from the local Community Centre. Asked about urine samples, the spokesperson said that no one takes the piss out of the local lads and offered to take the researcher outside. The Olympic Flame will also be slightly different. The lighting ceremony will go ahead in the time-honoured tradition of torching a Ford Escort XR3i.
Proposals have been put forward concerning rule changes for the following events: -
1. The 100-metre sprint: - Athletes must complete the course in Barking High Street with a video recorder under one arm and a microwave under the other. After 20 metres head-start, a Police Dog will be released in each lane.
2. Fencing: - The protective mesh face will be removed and replaced with a black ski mask according to local custom. Athletes will then be asked to dispose of a selection of antiques, electrical goods, watches, mountain bikes and car radios in the shortest possible time.
3. Boxing: - This event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and the finals will be held in the community centre on Saturday night. The husband must down at least 12 pints in the Engineer Arms before encountering his wife, where she will announce one of the following: -
(a) There's fuck all for your tea.
(b) The telly's been repossessed.
(c) Our Tracey's up the stick.
(d) I'm up the stick.
(e) The woman up the road is up the stick and she says it's yours.
4. Triple Jump: - This will revert to its old name of Hop, Skip and Jump and will be sponsored by H. M. Prison Service. Medals will be awarded to competitors who find the most ingenious way of jumping bail.
5. Tug of War: - Chains will be fixed to one of the cash point machines at the BP in Lower Dagenham and the winning team will be the ones who can haul it out the quickest.
6. Equestrian Event: - Horses, ponies, donkeys and assorted nags can be collected from the fields behind Upton Park and medals will be awarded for tethering them in the most unusual places.
7. Shot Putt: - House bricks will be thrown from various distances at suitable plate glass windows, especially the chemists, the newsagents or at any vehicles in the hospital car park.
8. Walking: - Athletes must be accompanied by a Pit Bull Terrier, Doberman, German shepherd or Whippet. Ferrets and pushchairs do not count.
9. Cycling: - The Committee are unanimous in their ruling that tandems are for poufs, but most cycles will accommodate two as long as they have stunt pegs, no brakes or lights and are ridden on public footpaths. They must be mountain bikes and they must have spent at least a week in the River Thames.
The Committee is confident that sufficient funds can be found to stage such a major international event and looks forward to the true spirit of the Games flourishing in this little part of London. They urge the I. O. C. to consider this application in the light of that tried and tested local saying: -³It's not the taking part that counts; IT'S THE TAKING
APART!!
137-
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?" "From eating rotten meat." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!" "Your wife's... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE...................
"Ernesto! If you broke that driver YOU'RE FIRED ! "
138-
A man wants to play golf, but shows up at the golf course by himself. The starter groups him with 3 ladies, currently on the first hole. Upon walking up to the tee, the man sees the three ladies are nuns. He thinks to himself, "I gotta watch my p's and q's!" Everyone introduces everyone else on the first tee and one of the nuns says to the man, "Go ahead sir! You're up." The man takes a deep breath and proceeds to the tee off. The ball goes down the fairway, hits a rock, and bounces directly to the right into the sand bunker. The man says, "Jesus Christ! Did you see that?!" forgetting his audience. He is instantly embarrassed when he comes to his senses and one of the nuns says, "We don't talk that way in the presence of the Lord. Watch your language, sir. Now step aside, it's my turn." The nun winds up and swings as absolutely hard as she can. The ball slices almost instantly, hits a tree dead
centre, and bounces out of bounds across the parking lot. The nun bends over, gets her tee, and mutters "Goddammit!!" as she walks by the man. The man, rather amused and astonished, says "Why sister, you just said..." The nun interrupts and finishes, "Yeah, I know what I just said. But then again you didn't just hit a
fucking tree, did you?
139-
I would like to report the following trophy fish, taken near Acapulco, Mexico: a world-record great white shark.
The bait: a medium-salaried Canadian businessman, preferable to most other bait. The extreme whiteness of the winter Canadian draws great whites from a good distance, and the plump, consistently soft-textured flesh makes for a solid bite and firm hooking--no nibbling or spitting up.
This particular bait came equipped with a good-quality flasher lure: a Rolex Oyster Date-Timer. The great thing about this lure is that it attracts the shark well into the evening. What's more, you can recover it and use it over and over. Highly recommended.
Of course, I've yet to try all the businessmen bait on the market. One suspects that a sausage-fed German BMW executive, for instance, would obtain excellent results. However, the great availability of the winter Canadian makes him just about the best bait available on the southern beaches.
Remember though: use him before he's been in the sun, or he'll likely be spoiled by mating red snapper. Good luck and good fishing.
Lopez Estrada Estrada Bait & Tackle, Acapulco, Mexico
140-
A group of fellows always enjoyed their game of golf, but one of the boys was having trouble seeing the ball. His friends kept telling him he needed glasses. Finally, he bought himself a pair and his game improved 100%. Back in the clubroom they were talking over a few beers.
"You're playing better since you got your glasses," one said.
"You're right, I look down and the ball's as big as a basketball, just can't miss it now," he said. After a few more beers, he said. "Gotta go to the toilet, be back in a minute."
When he came back, all the front of his trousers were wet.
"Gee, what happened to you?" his mates asked.
"Don't know," he replied, "got in there, pulled it out and it looked too big for mine, so I put it back!"
141-
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
142-
It was one of those warm afternoons, so typical of summer, and everyone was wearing their club-approved walking shorts and short sleeve golf shirts.
Suddenly, a commotion ensued on the 10th tee. At least a dozen club golfers had left the practice tee to watch a well-endowed blonde as she was about to tee off. Not being used to such a commotion, the course Marshall steered his golf cart over towards the tee, and it quickly became apparent what was causing this unorthodox gathering of club members: The voluptuous blonde, in her brief, yet acceptable attire, had her right breast fully exposed. The Marshall quickly headed over to the tee, and stated to the blonde in no uncertain terms, "Pardon me miss, but you can't tee off in that attire."
"What's wrong with my attire, sir?", she replied.
"Well - - it's - - your blouse," he stammered, apparently embarrassed.
"What's wrong with my blouse?" she replied seriously.
"Well - - it's not exactly your blouse - - you're not wearing a bra," and your blouse is open - - and your right breast is exposed," he stammered.
The blonde looked down at her blouse, obviously shocked, and quickly glanced over towards her empty golf cart. "Oh my God, I left my baby on the 9th Green.
143-
Gospel according to St Titleist.
May thy ball lie in green pastures -- and not in still waters.
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one.
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
My handicap? Woods and irons.
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top.
I'm hitting the woods just great -- but having a terrible time getting out of them!
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a fuckin' miracle.
144-
All rape charges against the Manchester United footballer Ronaldo have been dropped. Medical experts were unable to obtain a sperm sample from the woman.
Apparently he dribbled a lot but didn't get anywhere near the box.
145-
Two worms live on a golf course. The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?"
The other worm says, "I don't know, but I was just going up to check it out." So he starts up through the dirt.
At that moment, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway. The first one says, "I gotta wiz."
Her friend says, "Well, it's very early. There's nobody else here. Do it right here. Nobody will know."
The first lady says, "You think so?"
Her friend says, "Yeah."
She pulls down her panties, lifts up her little golf dress and squats. She's just about to commence when the worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly and he gets soaked. He's dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, soaking wet. The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it's raining huh?"
The second worm says, "Not only is it raining, it's raining so hard the birds are building their nests upside-down!"
146-
A golfer is playing a round of golf with his buddies. On the sixth hole, a hole over water, he proceeds to flub nine balls into the water.
Frustrated over his poor golfing ability, and about ready to hit somebody, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course.
Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps back in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking he is going to retrieve his clubs.
When he comes out of the water he doesn't have his clubs and begins to walk off the course.
Then one of his buddies asks, "Why did you jump into the lake?"
He responds, "I left my car keys in the bag."
147-
True Story (as reported by a national newspaper)
At one of the traditional golf clubs where sexism still reigns, the lady captain was entertaining her guests on the balcony overlooking the 18th green. On the green below, four men were completing a hard-fought match when one of them missed a vital putt and a string of rather strong language was heard by everyone.
The Lady Captain was much embarrassed by this and, after her guests had departed, marched into the secretary's office and demanded that action be taken to stop this type of thing ever
embarrassing her again. The secretary, duly brow-beaten, promised that he would raise it at the next committee meeting.
The morning after the committee meeting, the Lady Captain was on the telephone to the secretary to find out what had been done.
"It's ok," said the secretary, "We've taken steps to ensure it never happens again.".
"How?", said the Lady Captain, "What have you done?"
"Well.", said the secretary, "We've decided to ban ladies from the balcony."
148-
It was the worst round of golf that I've ever played.
All I hit were two good balls, and that was because I stepped on a rake!
149-
On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession that should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship." "What is it?" she asked. "I'm a golfer," he said. "What's the big deal about that?" she asked. He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf -- golf wins."
She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker."
"No problem," was his response, "just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip and that should clear right up."
150-
GOLF CADDY QUOTES.
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"
Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
151-
A GLOSSARY OF USEFUL GOLFING TERMS
An Adolf Hitler : Taking two shots in a bunker
An Arthur Scargill : A great strike but a crap result
A Kate Winslet : A bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Rodney King : Overclubbed
An O J Simpson : Somehow got away with it
A Condom : Safe, but didn't feel real great
A Sister-In-Law : Up there, but I know I shouldn't be
A Mrs Patel : Ugly, but a good worker
A Sally Gunnell : Ugly but a good runner
A Paula Radcliffe : Not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but the same result
A Kate Moss : OK but a bit thin
A Gerry Adams : A provisiona
A David Trimble - tentative prod
A Nipple Licker : Opens up the hole
A Ladyboy : Seems an easy hole but there may be hidden dangers
An elephant's arsehole - it's high; and it stinks
A Kate Moss - thinned it
A Rock Hudson- thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water
A Marilyn Monroe - a fair crack up the middle (aka "A Blondie")
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Robin Cook - just died on the hill
A Michael Jackson - gradually fading
An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
A Tony Blair - too much spin
A Bin Laden - driven out, never to be found again
A Jamie Oliver - you really want to smack it but you don't
A Saddam Hussein - from one bunker straight into another
A *Yasser Arafat* - ugly and in the sand
A *circus tent* - a BIG top
A Jeb Bush--too far to the right, out of play
A Russell Grant - a fat iron
A Peter Mandelson - an unbelievable iron
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs
An Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went but you
A Ken Livingstone - quite far left
A Jean-Marie LePen - a long way right
A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target
A Nancy Pelosi-too far left, clueless on how to get home from there
And on the putting green………
A Dennis Wise : A nasty little five footer
A Salman Rushdie : An impossible read
A Rock Hudson : Thought it was straight but it wasn't
A Gynaecologist's Assistant : Just shaved the hole
A Cuban - needs one more revolution
An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
A *Brazilian* - Shaves both sides of the hole
A Monica Lewinsky--all lip
152-
A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them "How did your game go?"
The first said she had a good round with 25 riders. The second said she did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that she played badly with only two riders.
The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked "Jerry, can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?"
Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.
153-
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,
"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" "Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy.... "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
154-
One day a man went golfing. On the fourth tee he was separated from his friends momentarily, and bumped into a passing demon. "Hey," said the demon, "How'd you like to make a hole in one?"
"What's the catch?" said the man suspiciously.
"It will shorten your sex life by five years," replied the demon.
"Hmmm . . . okay," said the man, and went on to make a spectacular shot, a hole in one, just as ordered. On the next tee, he again bumped into the demon. "How'd you like to make it two holes-in-one, back-to-back?" said the demon.
"It's only been done five times in the history of golf."
"What's the pay back this time?" said the man. "It will shorten your sex life by another twenty years," said the demon.
"I guess," agreed the man, and again he made an amazing shot. All his friends were amazed and people were coming from miles around to see the man who had made two holes-in-one in the same game!
On the next hole, the man again bumped into the demon, who proposed yet again. "Look, another hole-in-one would mean three in a row. It's never been done in the history of the world! C'mon!"
"No problem," said the man, agreeing.
"What do I have to give up this time?"
"You may never touch a person of the opposite sex ever again for the rest of your life." said the demon.
"Okay!" said the man.
He went on to make his third consecutive hole-in-one.
And that's how Father Jones got into the Guinness Book of Records!
155-
A hacker went up to a club pro and challenged him to 18 holes of golf for $100. There was one catch, though -- the hacker gets two Gotcha's.
The club pro, with his attitude, said, "No problem. Whatever the heck Gotcha's are, I'll still kick your behind all over the course.
After the round, the two walked into the clubhouse. Others were stunned to see the club pro pay the hacker $100. They asked the pro how it happened.
He remarked, "Well, when I was teeing off on the first hole, right in the middle of my backswing, he reached between my legs, grabbed my balls and yelled, 'Gotcha!' And you have no idea what it is like playing 18 holes waiting for the second Gotcha..."
156-
The worst foursome in golf:
MONICA LEWINSKI
O.J. SIMPSON
TED KENNEDY
BILL CLINTON
Why, you ask??
Lewinski is a hooker, O.J. is a slicer, Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't remember which hole he played last.
157-
A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph". Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and prepares for his own shot. After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot.
The deaf mute then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway, striking big Ralph in the back of the head, and knocking him unconscious. The mute then walks down the fairway rolls big Ralph
over and holds up four fingers in front of Ralph's face.
158-
A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league night he said he would be happy to go to the store after playing his round of golf.
After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Rolls Royce. Upon reaching his Rolls Royce he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries.
He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please do me a favour?" "Sure," she replied. He went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my car keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my car keys out?" "No problem," she replied.
When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these for?" He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving." To which she commented, "Boy, those Rolls Royce people think of everything."
159-
A blonde is standing by the first tee waiting for her golf lesson from the resident professional. A foursome is in process of teeing off. The first golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 230 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.
"That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What do you mean?" said the blonde. "I have a glass eye," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me," said the blonde. He popped his eye out and showed her.
The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 240 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic arm," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his arm off and showed her.
The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic leg," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his leg off and showed her.
The fourth golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 280 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a wonderful shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have an artificial heart," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde.
"I can't show you out here in the open," said the golfer. "Come around here behind the Pro-Shop." As they had not returned within five minutes, his golfing mates decided to go and see what was holding them up.
As they turned the corner behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there he was, screwing his heart out.
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Extremely important advice and recommendations to be passed on to wives, girlfriends, fiancés, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc. (to all women in general) These rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in June/July this year...
LIST OF RULES
1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it wont happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".
8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because: a) I will not go, b) I will not go, and c) I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game and his television and sound system is better than mine, we will be there in a flash.
11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".
12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, etc etc.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Regards, Men of the World
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Last Sunday FIFA contacted the England and Brazilian teams and said there had been so much interest in the World Cup and the possibility that had they each won their matches last weekend Brazil would have met England in the semi-finals, FIFA was wondering if they would agree to play one extra match against each other at a secret venue where it would be videoed. If it turned out to be a match of the century, which everybody hoped and prayed it would be, they would then sell copies of the video and the proceeds would go to a worthy charity.
The England team was up for it immediately but some of the Brazilian players were not interested. Ronaldo claimed he was too tired to play again and the majority of them wanted to go home so Ronaldinho said Don’t worry, you guys go home to Brazil, it is only England, I will take them on by myself.
When the Brazilian players got back to Brazil they sent a text message asking what the score was and the reply came back Brazil 1
(Ronaldinho 11 minutes) England 1 ( Lampard 89 minutes)
When Ronaldinho got back to Brazil they greeted him like a great hero but Ronaldinho pushed them away, saying I am so sorry I let you down. His team members said On your own you held the might of England to a one all draw. How can you believe you let your team members down?
Ronaldinho replied But I did let you down, I got sent off in the 12th minute.
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Wonderful Rugby Quotes ...
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." - Colin Cooper - Hurricanes head coach
Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." - Colin Cooper on Paul Tito
David Nosafora (Auckland) talking about Troy Flavell "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'David, I don't know and I don't care.'
David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first."
"Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago" (Murray Mexted)
"Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Ma Nonu)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Jerry Collins)
"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical." (Tony Brown)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Tana Umaga)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby - but none of them serious." (Doc Mayhew)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again." (Anton Oliver)
"I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14,but there are none better." (Murray Mexted)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Ewan McKenzie)
Murray Deaker: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" Tana Umaga: "On what ?"
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Murray Mexted)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even
longer." (Murray Mexted)
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A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands.
Dear Mum and Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us, and his friends. They're the one's providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it. Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £50 a scene. I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene, and an extra £100 if they use the horse.
Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter, Aimee
P.S. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ENGLAND GETTING FUCKED ON PENALTIES AGAIN !!
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News Flash....
Leeds United's Goalkeeper got married last week..
On their Honeymoon, in bed, the bride grabbed her new hubby's hand and slapped it straight onto the Gates of Heaven.....
"Have you ever felt anything like that before?" she said...
"Yes" he replied... "Especially when I let those 3 goals in at the Millennium Stadium last May......"
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A woman goes to a golf pro for lessons and he asks her to demonstrate her skill. She's horrible and will never improve, but she's a stunner and he's a horn dog, and so he agrees.
She comes for her lesson, and he offers to teach her how to play. He steps up behind her, close, and puts his hands over hers, and they swing. The ball goes ten feet.
They try it again. He gets closer and they try it a third time. By now she's getting wise, and he decides to cool it, but when he tries to step back, he finds his golf pants are tangled in the ornate silver-and-turquoise belt she's wearing.
"Just a minute," he says, "We're stuck together. Let me untangle it."
He tries and makes it worse. She snorts, "Men! Let me try." She tries and makes it worse. They're there, on the golf course, and can't get free of each other.
He had an idea. "Let's walk like this to my office. We can close the door, and I'll step out of my pants, and go into the closet. You can untangle them then."
She agrees and they start off. They nearly fall a couple of times, but soon get the hang of it. They might have made it if a dog hadn't thrown a bucket of water on them.
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You Might be a Redneck Golfer ...
if you think Tiger Woods is a place you would like to go huntin'.
if you ever had to shout Fore ! .inside a pro shop.
if you ever used a tee for personal hygiene.
if your golf car is equipped with a gun rack.
if you ever saved $10 at the halfway house because you killed your own lunch.
if you think a Hole-in-one is when you get laid on a first date.
if you ever got lost on a golf course 'cause you can only count to 10.
if you ever lied to your wife and told her you were cheating on her, when in fact you were out golfing.
if you think Fourball is your Cousin Ernie's nickname.
if any of your clubs double as fishing equipment.
if you have ever used a broken off beer bottle neck as a tee.
if any of your kids missed out on a chance to attend college cause you needed a new driver.
if someone says Man! I need to hit a draw and you instinctively pass your cigarette.
if you think a birdie is available in Extra Crispy
if your caddie earns more than you.
if your golf glove is the same one you use for weldin'
if you ever won the longest drive competition because your house is the farthest from the course.
if you've ever ordered moonshine on the rocks at the 19th hole.
if you clean your clubs with WD40
if your local club uses the flag to distinguish the cup from other holes on the green.
if your golf shirt has no sleeves.
if you have ever needed stitches because of you OWN backswing.
if you think a green keeper is a type of drug dealer.
if the shower after your round is the only hot one for the week.
if you have ever hidden from a thunderstorm under a tree.
if you have ever used a crowbar as a putter.
if you think duct tape is a good substitute for rubber grips.
if you think Loft refers to a tree-house.
if your golf cart is used regularly to help off load beer from your truck.
if you have ever been in trouble for washing your balls on the course cause the sign said: Wash your balls here
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What I did on my summer holiday By Theo Walcott Esq aged 8 1/2
I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown up's. It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does live there, and the grown up's say I cant talk about the bad man as it will make Uncle Owen cry if I do.
In Germany there are lots of castles and some mountains. We are staying in a place called Baden Baden that's a silly name, Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that's silly too, his mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time.
On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.
Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol say's uncle David wears dresses and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me some pop.
In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad says we beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time ago.
While the grown up's went to play football so I went shopping with Auntie Vicky and some other girls she bought me a big ice cream and got herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play with Brooklyn. She say's she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of her songs, I think she was telling fibs.
I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Vicky and he sulked, then he bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundred's & thousands on it. All the other grown up's have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy, that's why I got taken on holiday.
The grown up's went to play Football against somebody called Sweden, Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk to him. Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books, he is rubbish at football though.
Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of out holiday but it got better so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not like it. He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while we are here, they are too tight for me.
All the grown up's started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood on
somebody's spuds. He got shouted at by the referee. They are all saying that we have to go home now.
Uncle Sol was crying again and I had to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his pocket, I think.
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A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.
He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?
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Two long time golfing buddies were playing the back nine when suddenly a thunderstorm formed overhead, and one lightning bolt zapped both players, killing them instantly.
When they reported to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter discovered there had been an error and neither of them was supposed to be in heaven just yet. Since both their original bodies had been burned to cinders he offered to return them in what ever form they preferred.
After a brief discussion, one of them stated they wanted to return as a lesbian.
"A Lesbian?!?!?!?!,'' cried St. Peter, "Why would you want to return as a Lesbian?''
"Well,'' replied one,
"We can still eat pussy, AND we get to use the red tees!''
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Joe: Why don't you play golf with Bob any more?
Mike: Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card?
Joe: No!
Mike: Neither will Bob.
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There were four 80 year old men playing golf.
One complained the hills were too high.
The second complained the bunkers were too deep.
The third said the holes were too wide.
The fourth one said 'Shut up! At least we're still on the right side of the grass!'
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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up 1/4 of your sex life?" Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt. Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another 1/4 of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I guess I have taken unfair advantage of you, because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from this day forward you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, " I think I am the one that really got the better of this deal, Devil, I'm Father O'Malley."
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Two aliens are visiting Earth to research the local customs. One day, their spaceship hovers over a golf course and the two aliens watch a solitary golfer in sheer amazement. The golfer duffs his tee shot, shanks his second into the rough, takes three to get out of the rough onto the fairway, slices the next shot into the bushes, then takes a putter to get it out and on to the fairway again.
One alien says to the other that he must be playing some sort of weird game. They continue to observe the golfer.
The golfer then skulls a shot into a bunker by the green, takes several shots to get out of the bunker and finally onto the green, and puts several times until he finally gets the ball into the hole.
At this point, the other alien says to his partner, "Wow, now he's really in serious trouble!"
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The two aliens then split up so that they can learn more in the time allowed. When they meet to share their knowledge, the first alien tells of a religious ceremony it had seen.
"I went to a large green field shaped like a meteorite crater. Around the edges, several thousand worshippers gathered. Then two priests walk to the centre of the field to a rectangular area and hammer six spears into the ground, three at each end. Then eleven more priests walk out, clad in white robes. Then two high priests wielding clubs walk to the centre and one of the other priests starts throwing a red orb at the ones with the clubs."
"Gee," replied the other alien, "what happens next?"
"Then it begins to rain."
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I found out that all the important lessons of life are contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing.
1. Keep your head down.
2. Follow through.
3. Be born with money.
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Following the murder of Bob Woolmer, the Pakistani president has passed an edict that Pakistan will not play cricket for a year. Instead they will take up bob-sleighing.
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At Manchester City, Stuart Pearce has been axed......
Joey Barton's family denied having any involvement in it.
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Gary, an 80 year old avid golfer, moves to a new house in Barnet just to be near a golf club. So keen is Gary that not long after the last removal lorry has left, he gets into his car, takes a short trip to the Dyrham Park Country Club and quickly becomes a member of this well known golf club. Two days after that, he goes to Dyrham to play his first round there.
When he arrives, he’s told by Harold the on-duty Pro that as everyone is out on the course he won’t be able to play today. But our Gary doesn’t give in easily and nags that he really, desperately, with all his heart, wants to play. Harold gives in and says he himself will play with Gary, but only if they play for a £50 bet. Gary agrees.
On their way to the first hole, Harold asks Gary, "How many strokes do you want?"
"I don't need any strokes," replies Gary, "I’ve been playing quite well this year and the only problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
Gary then begins his first round of golf at Dyrham and for the next 3 hours he plays ‘out of his skin.’ Coming to the par four 18th, Gary and Harold are level. Harold produces a great drive which allows him to get onto the green in two and is then able to two-putt for a par. Gary also drives well but his approach shot lands in the sand trap next to the green. Gary gets into the bunker and hits a high ball which lands on the green and gently rolls into the hole. Match and £50 to Gary!
Harold immediately walks over to Gary and says, "That was a fantastic shot for an eighty year old, but I thought you told me you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
"I do," replies Gary, "could you please give me a hand?"
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Which three English League teams have swear words in their name?
1) Arsenal.
2) Scunthorpe United.
3) Manchester Fucking United.
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Just been to the gym and
there's a new machine there, I only used it for about an hour as I started to feel sick! But it's great, it's got Kitkats, Mars bars, crisps and everything in it.
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Jose Mourinho has been asked if he will now take over at Spurs. "Fuck off" he replied "I'm not that special".
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RUGBY WORLD CUP 2007
Dear Women,
*List of Rules (Read and print them)*
1. From 7 Sept to 20 October 2007, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the Rugby World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the Rugby World Cup, the television is mine, the VCR and DVD are all mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse at the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won't have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the Rugby World Cup month.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it won't happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12pm and 3pm, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about rugby than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game, hence do not use the Rugby World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".
8. The replays of the tries are very important I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times, and record them.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because: a) I will not go, b) I will not go, and c) I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
11. The daily RWC highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".
12.And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank goodness the Rugby World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words because after this comes the 2011 RWC etc.
13. Do not complain that my new beard is "scratchy" or makes me "look like a caveman". Showing my support for the Springboks by growing a beard is more important to me than our relationship. If you don't love your country as much as me, then that makes me sad, and you should leave. Quietly and during the ads if possible.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Regards, Men of the World Cup.
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London 2012 Olympics
As you may know, East London will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012. What you may not know, is that many aspects of the games have been specially altered to embrace the culture of the area. A copy of the changes has been leaked and is reproduced below:
Opening Ceremony The flames will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city. The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium
The Events In previous Olympic games East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes.
100 Metre sprint - Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from the cage 10 meters behind the athletes
110 Metre Hurdles - As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc)
Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc) The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within 3 attempts
Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes
Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or securicor style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a browning automatic pistol or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun.
Boxing - Entry into the boxing event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of larger, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
Cycling Time trials - Competitors will be asked to break in to the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home, All against the clock.
Cycling Pursuit - As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Fiji Rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft.
Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
Swimming events - All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be arranged. Please note that the synchronised swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool. The specific musical support to this event will be supplied by "The Verve".
The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be decided.
Men's 50 Km Walk - Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Stratford, especially anyone that appears to be mincing.
The Closing Ceremony Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford mental health in the community, anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Walthamstow Community Choir. The flames will be extinguished by riot police water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham supporters.
The stadium itself will then be boarded up by the council before local athletes break in and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler!
Latest News Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above, but with the Pentathlon modified to include killing a spouse, digging a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named "Calm Down" contest.
To guarantee the entry of any athletes from the local area at all, drug testing has been waived for the duration of the games.
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Condom sales have slumped in France.
The English rugby team has proved that you can fuck 15 frogs with just one Jonny.
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Golf - the four letter word explained...
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers...neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
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A paki and a nigger go ski jumping for the first time. They get to the bottom of the piste and ask how much to go from the 1st level. The attendant says well as there's 2 of you it would be cheaper to go from the highest level. They explain they haven't done this before but the attendant says not to worry as long as you ski like fuck one goes first then the other 3 seconds behind the other and lean into the wind with your head up high you'll be fine.At this they decide to go for it so they get to the top level and start to ski like fuck. Just as they hit the bottom of the run ready to launch they hear the attendant shout PULL!
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THE LAWS OF GOLF
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have inner peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. (This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer
and, eventually, a lifetime.)
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. (Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.)
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.( Funny how this law also applies to men who have no sex and advice on picking up women.)
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. (Funny how this law applies to women.)
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. It will swallow your balls.
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional
wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. (Your Mother in Law, does not come close.)
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, asshole."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
188-
George Best goes to his doctors.
Doc: "George, I have good news and bad news..."
Besty: "Gimme the bad news first, doc."
Doc: "You have only one hour left to live."
Besty: "And the good news?"
Doc: "It's happy hour."
189-
It was the finish line of the Boston marathon. A first time runner is hobbling away, having just finished. A grizzled old marathoner looks at him and says "You'll feel a lot worse tomorrow." He pauses and then says, "But the REALLY bad news is that in about 3 days, you're going to think you had fun today!"
190-
We recently moved to a new city and went to our first football game. We arrived early and found our seats. Not long afterwards, a neurotic, twitchy young fellow came in and sat just in front of us.
A short time later, we heard from far behind us someone yell "Hey Fred!"
The nervous young man jumped up and scanned the crowd. Apparently seeing no one he knew, he sat back down. A few moments later, we heard some behind us yell "Hey Fred!" Again the young man jumped up and scanned the crowd. Still seeing no one he knew, he uneasily sat back down.
After several rounds of this, the man began mumbling to himself. After each additional time, the mumbling became more frantic.
Finally, hearing again the call of "Hey Fred!" The man leapt to his feet and screamed to the crowd,
"FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, YOU BASTARD, MY NAME'S NOT FRED!!!"
191-
Q. What do you say to a Manchester United player with a good looking bird on his arm?
A. Nice tattoo mate.
192-
Why do Liverpool F.C. players keep getting robbed?
It's people from other parts of the country who want their stuff back.
193-
Exercise Routine for 2008
You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise programme.
SCROLL DOWN...
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a beer.
194-
Speedy Morris was the basketball coach at LaSalle and they were having a pretty good season. One morning, he was shaving and the phone rang. His wife answered it and called out to him that Sports Illustrated wanted to talk to him.
Coach Morris was excited that his team was apparently about to receive national recognition in this famous sports magazine. As a matter of fact, he was so excited that he cut himself with his razor.
Covered with blood and shaving lather and running downstairs to the phone, he tripped and fell down the stairs. Finally, bleeding and bruised, he made it to the phone and breathlessly said, "Hello"?
The voice on the other end asked, "Is this Speedy Morris"?
"Yes, yes!" he replied excitedly.
Then the voice continued, "Mr. Morris, for just seventy-five cents an issue, we can give you a one-year subscription to Sports Illustrated."
195-
Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7. .. Foursomes are encouraged.
#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible.
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#1.. When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
196-
An Olympic frisbee player died this week after catching something that was going around.
197-
Paul Gascoigne has been sectioned under the Mental Health Act
Apparently, he was seen to be running round St James Park in Newcastle in a black and white shirt shouting "We're going to win the league"!
198-
Thieves took advantage of the "Battle of Britain" Champions League match Between Liverpool and Arsenal on Wednesday night to burgle two more footballers homes. The first unfortunate player was Liverpool skipper Steven Gerrard. The crooks got away with countless items of football memorabilia including many of Gerrard's own medals.
Amongst the items currently being hunted by police are
2 FA Cup winners medals
FA Youth Cup winners medal
2 league cup winners medals
Champions league winners medal
Uefa cup winners medal
2 super cup winners medals
2 charity shield winners medals
They also took a number of personal awards including player of the year, young player of the year and his much cherished MBE.
The other unfortunate player to be targeted was Arsenal's Cesc Fabregas.
Thieves are thought have escaped with....................................................................................................................
a kettle and a toaster.
199-
As a United fan who's booked his Moscow trip I've had this cloud of worry about travelling to Russia what with all these stories of pickpockets, muggings at knife point, and general threats to my person ... thankfully, the Scousers are out now so I don't have to worry about that anymore!
200-
The 2012 Olympics in London are going to be an amazing cultural experience. Imagine the hordes of international fans- Poles, Czechs, Russians, Hungarians, Latvians, Africans, Jamaicans, Indians, Pakistanis, Iraqis, Turks, Greeks, Thais, Australians, South Africans- who will have travelled as many as 10 miles to watch these games.
201-
With Leeds and Doncaster into the playoff final there's going to be a lot of broken hearted Yorkshiremen on the way back home.
It's 5 quid for a meat pie at Wembley.
202-
If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead
203-
They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
D Evans, London .
204-
I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
K Libretto, Welling
205-
My new book-- 'GOLF - The Mysteries Revealed'
Many of you may not know it, but I have been very busy over the last 12 years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book.
I am very proud of the results. The cost is only £29.95 - Don't wait until they're all gone !!!!
Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, Having Hit a Titleist from the Tee.
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off a Shank
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a. m.
Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
Chapter 10- When Does A Divot become classified as a Sod
Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 12 - Why your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th...
Chapter 13- Using Swear words Creatively to Control Ball Flight
Chapter 14 - When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome
Chapter 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting five off the Tee
Chapter 16 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 17 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter 18 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever
Chapter 19- Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective Stress-Reduction Technique
Chapter 20 - Throwing a provisional club, the ultimate de stress.
Chapter 21 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
Chapter 22 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay £4.00 a Beer from the Cart Girl and Give Her a £3 Tip. But Will Balk at £3.50 at the 19th Hole and Stiff the Bar staff!
206-
Police are called to Old Trafford. A man in full Chelsea strip is standing on top of the main stand, threatening to throw himself off.
The police negotiator says to him, "come on mate, it's not that bad, don't do it!"
"You don't get it!" says the Chelsea fan, "for years I've been a Chelsea supporter, and this year I was convinced we would win everything. Instead, we were kicked out of the FA cup by Barnsley... we lost the Carling Cup final to Spurs... then we lost the Premiership to the Mancs, and then we went to the Champions League final and Man United beat us again! I can't take it any more!"
"Ok mate, I do understand your pain," replied the negotiator, "but I don't understand one thing... why are you here at Old Trafford? Why aren't you jumping off the main stand at Stamford Bridge?"
The Chelsea fan looked at the policeman and replied, "have you seen the fucking QUEUE?"
207-
"Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife, "Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind."
"That," said Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive, it would be a short putt."
208-
ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THESE:
1. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
2. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
3. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
4. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
5. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
7. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors
8. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
9. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
10. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty-foot putt for a 10.
11. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
12. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
13. It's not a gimme if you're still away.
14. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
15. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.
16. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
17. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
18. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
19. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
20. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay-up just short of a water hazard.
21. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back swing by his handicap;(i. e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.).
22. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
23. Hazards attract; fairways repel.
24. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
25. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
26. It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 AM to mow the yard.
27. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
28. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
29. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are.... that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
30. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
31. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
32. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
33. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
209-
Footballer Cristiano Ronaldo is being lined up to star in a multi-million dollar remake of the epic TV series Roots.
Ronaldo has demanded £3.5m per episode.
Producers say the star's treatment at the hands of Manchester United make him the perfect choice to portray the young African slave who is beaten by his brutal masters.
The Portuguese winger said he had been traumatised by 'outrageous' demands that he honour the £125,000 a week, legally-binding contract, which has brought him only, misery, adulation and Gemma Atkinson.
Speaking from the titanium gazebo in the rose garden of his 31-room mansion, Ronaldo said: 'I feel I can relate to the suffering of African slaves.
'If anything, it is worse, because footballers cannot sing while we work, whereas they had time to develop gospel music during their 16-hours shifts before dropping dead from exhaustion.'
In the series a young African boy is dragged from his homeland and shipped to America where he is forced to work in the fields by a cruel and violent plantation owner.
'The similarities are uncanny, though admittedly, the Lear Jet that flew me from Lisbon to Manchester wasn't packed with 150 other players sleeping head-to-toe.'
Ronaldo also conceded that, while the slave-master in Roots administered brutal beatings, Man Utd boss Sir Alex Ferguson had nurtured his talent, lavished him with praise and turned him into one of the best footballers in the world.
'But without the freedom to do whatever I want, wherever I want, for whatever fee I want, I am exactly the same as a cotton picker forced to live in a shed, dying at the age of 32.'
He added: 'I know the people will love my acting. Already, in the streets, I hear many of them calling me
'Kunta'.'
210-
I admit that the fireworks at the opening ceremony for the Beijing Olympics were impressive, and hard to top...
...but just you wait and see what Al-Qaeda have got lined up for London in 2012.
211-
My younger brother's really happy today - he's leaving home to do an apprenticeship with Leeds Utd.
We're gonna say he's in prison for rape.
212-
After their failure in the Beijing 2008 Olympic rowing events, the Italians decided to send a spy over to the Great British camp to see if he can pick up any tips.
The spy returns after observing the British training.
"It's so simple," he says, "they have eight men rowing and only one man shouting and waving his arms."
213-
I've been watching the Paralympics, and it seems a bit hypocritical that these people in wheelchairs are quite capable of doing a marathon, yet still demand parking space right outside shops.
214-
I've just got back from the Paralympics. Don't go by car, it's fucking chaos: 2400 disabled parking bays not one place for us to park.
215-
What does a paralympian fear the most? Testing positive for WD-40.
216-
The Paralympics.
Where unarmed combat began.
217-
I can understand why we're one of the best teams at the Paralympics... Just look at the amount of people in this country claiming Disability Living Allowance
218-
Ron and Terry were chatting about football in the pub after work.
"Are you going to the Arsenal v Spurs match on Saturday?" asked Ron.
"No," replied Terry. "My wife won't let me."
"It's easy to get out of that," said Ron. "About an hour before the game, what you do is pick her up, take her to the bedroom, rip off her clothes and make mad, passionate love to her. Then she'll let you do anything you want."
"OK, I'll try that," said Terry.
The following Monday, the two men meet up again in the pub.
"How come you didn't make it to the game," asked Ron.
"Well," said Terry, "I'll tell you what happened. About an hour before kick-off, I did as you said. I picked her up, took her to the bedroom and ripped off her clothes. And then I thought, Spurs haven't been playing that well recently."
219-
A man is walking through London one day when he passes a street and notices a young Jamaican kid playing a bit of footie on his own. The lad's just there knocking the ball against the wall, doing a few skills, tricks and kick ups to pass the time. This bloke however is absolutely amazed and goes to talk to him
"Here son, I couldn't help but see you knocking the ball about there, I must say
you're one talented boy, you've some of the most amazing skills I've ever seen. I'm a scout for a famous football club and I reckon you wouldn't even need a trial, I could get you a contract no problems, what do ya say?"
"Really? What club you from mate?"
"Tottenham Hotspur"
"Fuck off mate, its bad enough that I'm black"
220-
Jose Mourinho was quick to quell the rumours linking him with the Newcastle job this morning saying "I'm not that fucking special"
221-
20 Laws of Golf
These laws were given to me by an old friend who carried has them around in his golf bag for, judging by the age of the paper (and his golf bag), decades. True golfers should understand the words
laid out here.
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a
summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.
222-
A man is walking his dog over the park finds the Spurs squad playing football with a hedgehog. In disgust he shouts out that he is going to phone the RSPCA.
The hedgehog shouts back "Leave it out mate, I'm winning 3-0!"
223-
They've pulled out another week of Elizabeth Fritzl's diary.
Monday:- Stayed in, Dad came down and fucked me.
Tuesday:- Stayed in, Got fucked by Dad
Wednesday:- Stayed in, Dad fucked me doggy style
Thursday:- Stayed in, Dad spunked on my face
Friday:- Stayed in, Dad gave my arse a right pounding
Saturday:- Went to watch Tottenham Hotspur play. Wish I'd stayed in.
224-
It's not well known but Adolf Hitler wrote a book called "The Good Golf Guide".
The most popular chapter is "How to get out of a bunker with one shot"
225-
A guy is on his fishing boat floating on a river. “Ole' Man River, Ole' Man River', he sang.
From above the earth's atmosphere aliens are watching this man on his boat and decide to experiment on him. With a zipzapzop they teleport him aboard their starship and remove a quarter of his brain and then teleport him back to his boat.
“Ole' Man River, Ole' Man River', he sang. This confused the aliens so with a zipzapzop they teleport him back aboard their starship and decide to remove another quarter of his brain before sending him back to his boat.
“Ole' Man River, Ole' Man River', the guy sings. This perplexes the aliens so with another zipzapzop they teleport the man back to their starship and remove the rest of his brain and then plonk the guy back onto his boat and watch intently for fifteen minutes as the brainless test subject breaks out in song.
“So ferry, cross the Mersey........You'll NEVER walk alone, alone, alone......There's only one – Stevie-G!........Liverpool, Liverpool, Liverpool!.....”
226-
When a woman wears a leather dress, A man's heart beats quicker, And his throat gets dry, He goes weak in the knees, And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new golf bag!
227-
Golf Poem
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By It's Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or ! Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul, If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
228-
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls.... A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol
a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.
229-
I met this really kinky girl.
"Humiliate me " she said.
I bought her a Tottenham shirt.
230-
A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 a. m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner's euphoria" was. "Runner's euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays."
231-
David Beckham has joked that when he is in bed with Victoria she always teases him for having such a small cock, but his teammates in the shower after football always compliment him on how massive it is.
Well, that's the difference an erection makes...
232-
Reasons Why Women Are Like Soccer Pitches
1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends, but one end per 45 minutes is favourable.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also, never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always tread carefully when leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
18. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
19. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week
233-
Osama bin Laden has appeared on
TV this morning to quell rumours of his death. to prove that the appearance was not pre recorded bin laden stated that he had "watched the football on
Saturday and Newcastle were crap!"
The US and UK government
officials have dismissed the tape saying the recording could have been made any time over the past 10 years
234-
Manchester City have sold Shaun Wright-Phillips to Madonna.
235-
Two businessmen were out at their private golf club enjoying a beautiful afternoon with a round of golf. Since it was just the two of them, they were moving around the course in short time until they came upon a twosome of ladies on the
twelfth hole.
The two men watched as the ladies hit their shots, carried on animated conversations and taking their own sweet time to finish play totally ignoring the twosome behind them. The more they watched, the more frustrated and angry the two men became as their round was slowed to a snail's pace.
Finally one of the men said, "I'm going to drive up to those ladies, give them a piece of my mind and tell them they better let us play through or else!"
As his companion watched, the first man drove up the cart path got about half the way to the ladies,
abruptly turned around and returned to the tee.
The second golfer asked, "What did they say?"
The first said, "I couldn't say anything. As I got closer I realized that one of the ladies is my wife and the other is my mistress."
"That's OK, I'll go talk to them," replied the second man as he jumped into the cart and headed toward the women.
Suddenly he too made a U-turn and headed back to his playing partner.
As he approached the tee he said, "It's a small world isn't it!"
236-
The president of a Golf Club is driving towards the clubhouse when he seen a man lying dead in the 17th bunker and one player fighting another two on the green.
He gets out and shouts, "Whooa! Calm down - what's happened"
To which the one man says, "My partner has just had a stroke... and those two heartless bastards want to count it!!"
237-
North West Water put their entire region on emergency flood warning on Wednesday night
After 1 million Scousers began pissing themselves at around 9.45 pm and haven't stopped yet!
238-
Welder required in Salford area - must be able to put roof back onto bus
239-
A Few Notes for Golfers
Golf balls are like eggs ~ they're white. They're sold by the dozen ... and a
week later you have to buy more.
A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a
professional golfer to buy anything in there.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his
divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to
get up at 6:00 a. m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn?
Golf is by far the ultimate love /hate relationship. Sometimes it seems as
though your cup runneth and moveth over.
It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other
hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while
performing brain surgery.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Water hazards are no walk in the park for fish, turtles, frogs or gators either.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a
lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.
That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping
out on lawn work.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he
probably shot an eight.
You probably wouldn't look good in a Green Jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do
just fine!
Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inability
to count past the number 5.
It's a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if you're not choosy about
which fairway.
If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone would play
better.
The greatest sound in golf is the Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh, of your opponent's
club as he hurls it across the fairway.
A recent survey shows that of all jobs, caddies live the longest. They get
plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there's ever a medical emergency, a
doctor is always nearby.
240-
Andy Murray walks into
Ikea and asks for a flat pack trophy cabinet.
The shop clerk says, "Fuck off, you'll bring it back"
241-
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have inner peace
knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. (This law does not expire on the
18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a
tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.)
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst
round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people
you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. (Though this cannot be proven in
the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater
its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with
this most unusual natural alloy.)
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the
tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners
must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an
instructor.( Funny how this law also applies to men who have no sex and advice
on picking up women.)
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. (Funny how this law
applies to women.)
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. It will swallow your balls.
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the
clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in
your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a
football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent
-- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. (Your Mother in Law, does not come
close.)
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough
break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, asshole."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who
beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to
what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
242-
My dog does a somersault
every time Man Utd score a goal.
Sometimes he does two somersaults, it depends how hard I kick him.
243-
"He's great on the
court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in a interview with
his coach. "But how's his scholastic work?"
"Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.
"Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.
"Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."
244-
A man came home from watching a rugby match between Ireland and France.
He young son welcomed him home saying, "How was it, Dad?"
"It was terribly violent, son. In the break, the Irish skipper came off the
field with a bruised testicle!"
"Oh, he must have been in such pain!"
"No, no, laddie. It belonged to one of the Frenchmen."
245-
Manchester City
Manager Mark Hughes says he will bring in some more new faces this summer.
Carlos Tevez has asked if he can have one.
246-
A bomb went off in the hotel that Manchester United were due to stay in the next
day.
Let this be a lesson to everyone and not to make the same terrible mistake I
made, never ever buy your timers on eBay.
247-
Drogba said that for him the turning point in the game was when his early
penalty appeal was turned down after he dramatically threw himself to the
ground.
The referee had a point though, as the anthems were still being played.
248-
I've been reading a new book, if any of you would like to borrow it just let me
know. It's called the "Useful Golf Book". It contains some really good articles
such as:
* How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt
* How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee
* How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker
* How to get more distance off the shank
* Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk
* Crying and how to handle it
* How to rationalize a 7-hour round
* How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water
* Why your spouse no longer cares that you birdied the 4th
* How to let a foursome play through your twosome without getting embarrassed
* How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee.
249-
Man City to make £50m bid for Newcastle United supporters
Premier League billionaires Manchester City have today launched an audacious bid
for the entire fan base of recently relegated Newcastle United.
The unexpected move has come as part of City's plans to be the best supported
club in the world, and the so-called 'Best Supporters In The World (tm)' have
provided a logical starting point.
The move will see each of Newcastle United's 50,000 'regulars' offered £1,000 to
change their allegiances to Manchester City.
"Our competitive advantage is our financial position, and we will buy anything
and everything we feel will help us improve this football club." Said City boss
Mark Hughes.
"Securing the Newcastle United fans offers us a great opportunity to improve our
position as the best supported club in the league,"
"They have just the sort of experience we're looking for, in that they've
enjoyed fleeting periods of great expectation followed almost immediately by
abject failure, which will be useful to us in the next two years."
Hughes continued, "We'll happily pay top dollar for supporters who will blindly
follow their team and defend them as the greatest in the world in the face of
over-whelming evidence to the contrary."
"And in that respect, the Geordies really are second to none."
The Newcastle fans, who will not be subjected to a medical, are expected to have
a 'fully clothed at all times' clause inserted into their Man City contracts.
A Newcastle spokesperson said that although the move has come at a bad time for
them, the entire fee will be used to rebuild the supporter base into a slimmer,
better looking unit which they hope will be "the envy of the Championship".
250-
A guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf
course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could
play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns.
He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole he said, "After
you," but the nuns insisted that he go first.
He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker. "Goddammit!" he said.
"Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language around us." said the
nun.
"I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again."
The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty yards, hits a tree,
and bounces back behind them. "Well shit, goddamn, hell, fuck!" exclaims the
nun.
"Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man.
"Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree!"
251-
A Newcastle United supporter has reportedly got into a fight with midfielder
Joey Barton.
The local newspaper headlined the incident as “Fan hits the shit”
252-
Picture the scene......... United's dressing room minutes before kick off in the
derby & the reds are about to get their team talk. "Right lads I want 110%
commitment from the word go against this blue shit. Remember how the bastards
did us on the anniversary of Munich. If you don't win those cockney fuckers at
Chelsea will have 6 points on us. Now I don't care if you kick, punch or head
butt your way 2 victory, we must win this one. Good luck".
Then Fergie walks in & says "Thanks ref, I'll take it from here".
253-
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls....
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.
254-
It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
255-
Golf was invented in Scotland and there are still some clubs there that have
signs on the course which read: "Members will Refrain from Picking Lost Balls
Until they have Stopped Rolling."
256-
The phone rings in the Australian Cricket Team's changing room.
"G'day. Could I speak to Ricky Ponting, please?"
"Aww, look, sorry mate, he's just gone out to bat."
"Oh, that's alright, mate. I'll hang on."
257-
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said can I help you.
Yes she said, I'd like to report a case of sexual assault.
Where did it happen the Sergeant asked.
In the park just down the road she replied.
Can you describe what happened?
Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man
jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he
dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me.
Could you give me a description of him?
Yes he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had
these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg.
Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman said the Sergeant.
Yes said the lady, he was an English Cricketer.
That's very observant said the Sergeant, did you work that out from his accent?
No, she replied. I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long.
258-
I for one was very surprised that the "Fédération Internationale de Football
Association" came down in France's favour instead of Ireland's.
259-
I find it's a nightmare driving at 2.05am: sometimes you can't see the Woods for
the trees.
Tiger's wife went for him over a birdie.
Tiger's new movie is out: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.
Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She replied
"Oh at least five or six but put me down for a four"
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a
hole-in-one.
Elin's excuse? She had to play a bad lie.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400
yards.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning? They went
clubbing.
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a
wood and an iron.
Why did Tiger leave the house so early? He had a 2:30 tree time.
What do a Cadillac SUV and a Nike golf ball have in common? Tiger Woods can
drive them both into the trees.
What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed
by a Norwegian.
Tiger Woods has been dropped by Gilette after admitting this incident was his
closest shave ever.
What do Tiger and the Beatles have in common? They both experienced a hit with
Norwegian Wood.
Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of
drivers. They are said to be named "Elin Woods...clubs you can beat Tiger with".
Don't worry . . . it looks like Tiger and Elin have reconciled their
differences and are back together again!
260-
The Rev. Al Sharpton held a press conference today to blast Tiger Woods for the
lack of diversity among his mistresses. Sharpton claims that the lack of
African-American women among Woods’ harem will have a negative affect on the
black community, specifically young black girls.
“Why is it that a man who calls himself black can’t bring himself to cheat on
his wife with a black woman?” said Sharpton, speaking to a group of supporters
in Harlem . “What does it say to young black girls everywhere when you pass them
over? Shame on you, Tiger Woods. What would your daddy say?”
Sharpton, who has long championed taking black women as mistresses, said that
today’s black athletes need to stop neglecting black women when it comes to
extramarital affairs, and should follow the examples of positive black role
models such as Jesse Jackson and Martin Luther King, Jr., both of whom cheated
on their wives with black women. Sharpton also stressed that cheating with
African-American women would help the black community financially by giving
black girls the chance to sell their stories to tabloids and gossip magazines.
Added Sharpton, “I’m not asking you to not cheat on your wives, I’m just asking
you to give back to your own community.”
261-
What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?
Santa stops after 3 ho's.
262-
Top 10 T-shirts of Tiger's Women
10. Tiger's dedicated ball caddy and Proud of it.
09. Nine of 18.
08. Get your waitress..... over here.
07. I found Tiger's balls in my bush.
06. Tiger knows how to play my back nine.
05. If you aren't playing from the rough it ain't sex.
04. I know how to moan 'You da Man'
03. My body is like the greens Tiger loves, Firm and Well Trimmed.
02. I am a legendary hole! Just ask Tiger!
And the number one women’s Tiger T-shirt is.
01. I went skank for the bank!!!!
263-
I bumped into a man crying uncontrollably outside a department store in
Liverpool yesterday, and all he could go on about was how he hates this time of
year, dressing up in a ridiculous red outfit and embarrassing himself in front
of thousands of people.
I said, "Look, Mr.Gerrard, you chose to play for Liverpool."
264-
A lion would never cheat on his wife...
But a tiger wood.
265-
America: The only place in the world that would name a sport that is played
almost exclusively with the hands and using an oval shaped object, "Football".
266-
I don't want to bring football up, but Man United and Man City both sound like
gay clubs.
267-
268-
Bloke walks into a brothel and says "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total
humiliation?"
The Madam replies £37.50
He replies "WOW, what do I get for that?"
She says "A fucking Liverpool shirt!"
269-
Players from Darlington FC visited sick children at Darlington's Memorial
Hospital over the Christmas period.
"It's nice to put a smile on the faces of those who are worse off than we are
and who are facing a long uphill struggle," said David Smith aged 6.
270-
'Twas the night before Christmas and out of the house Tiger Woods came a flyin',
chased by his spouse. She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry, Cause a
bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.
He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed. Woman after woman stepped
up and confessed. He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori, With
Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues, Tiger's sad sordid tale was
all over the news. With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex, When not in
their pants, he was sendin' them texts.
Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin', Tiger's wife went investin' --
a new home in Sweden . And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade, "If
you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid."
She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer, Her prenup made
Christmas come early this year.
271-
In the golfing world, Nick Faldo's old caddy, Fanny Sunesson, is to marry
masters champion V J Singh.
At a recent press conference V J Singh commented "I'm hoping to make her Fanny
Singh by Christmas".
272-
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her
first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and
to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so
early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where", he asked.
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
273-
John Terry has changed his Facebook relationship status to "It's complicated".
274-
I was lucky enough to catch John Terry's shirt that he threw in the crowd after
beating Arsenal on Sunday.
He must wear the same perfume my wife wears.
HANG ON...................
275-
Wayne Bridge sends his girl friend a replica of his dick made from Cadbury's
chocolate.
She returned it with a note saying:- "I prefer Terry's"
276-
Portsmouth; The only club where they encourage you to throw coins at the
players.
277-
I've just had my first 3 in a bed.
One hundred and eighty!
278-
The Winter Olympics.
Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.
279-
I was watching the gymnastics with the missus the other day. She said "Them
Chinese are brilliant at everything they do, I bet you can't name an event that
they are not good at".
I replied " 2004, Morecambe bay, picking cockles!" 1-0 to me!
280-
Why didn't Portsmouth simply consolidate their debts into one easily affordable
monthly payment?
281-
Two blokes are walking past Fratton Park whem one of them spots five Portsmouth
season tickets nailed to a tree.
"I'm going to have them " he says, "You can never have enough
nails....................."
282-
Here's a quiz which will tell you what manager you resemble the most....
Q 1. There's ten minutes to go in a match. You desperately need a goal. What do
you do?
(A) Try to maintain your cool image. Chew gum, strike a relaxed pose... just
stay cool!
(B) Same old routine. Throw on that 47 year old Welshman who saves your bacon
every week, then get to work on harassing the fourth official...
(C) Begin planning your post-match speech, in which you accuse the opposition of
bullying your players... who incidentally played really good football and
deserved to win.
(D) Take your star striker off and take a gamble on that Dutch nigger everyone
hates.
Q 2. You lose the match. A journalist questions your team selection. What do you
do?
(A) Arrogantly proclaim that your team is the best, and put the result down to
bad luck.
(B) Blame the referee for not adding those 14 minutes of stoppage time you
wanted. Then storm out of the room, vowing never to speak to any journalist ever
again.
(C) Having forgotten your speech, you revert to informing the press that you
"did not see it".
(D) Waffle on in an amusing Spanish accent about "control", "quality" and
"squad", without making an awful lot of sense.
Q 3. Another club offers you a promising 19 year old on the cheap. What do you
do?
(A) Refuse. You can't be seen buying cheap players! Only the finest, most
overrated, most overvalued players will do for you.
(B) Say "why not?", and buy him using only a fraction of your extravagant
transfer budget. Then, stick him in the reserves for years while continuing to
play 43 year old has-beens in the first team.
(C) Refuse. You only buy 14 year olds.
(D) You sell five of the rubbish players you bought in the last transfer window,
eventually raising the £720K you need to put in a bid... only to have it
snatched away by your tight American owners.
All A's: Jose Mourinho All B's: Alex Ferguson All C's: Arsene Wenger All D's:
Rafa Benitez.
283-
Cricket - A sport that requires five days of consecutive sunshine.
Invented in........ England.
284-
A Letter To Jessie James
You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?
How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most
beautiful women in the world.
She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.
Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "
America 's Sweetheart."
You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of
the world while you were porkin’ away.
You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the
planet!
How can you live with yourself?
I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of
shit that you are:
Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch.
~Tiger
285-
A little known fact....
The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874
And the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realise that their brains could also be important
..
286-
One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse
just before the start of a race. He went over and said, "Doping?"
The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sir. 'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit
myself.....see?"
The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of
fact, I like a bit of sugar myself." So the trainer gave him a piece.
When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last
minute instructions,
"Don't forget the drill. Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs.
Don't worry if anything passes you, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"
287-
There was this punter at a bush meeting that backs the rank outsider in a field
of 5 runners at 10/1 with a bookie, he puts a $100 on to win.
A little while later he comes back and the bookie who still has it at tens. "Can
I have another $200 on that horse?" he asks the bookie.
The bookie takes the bet and then says to the punter, " Look I own that horse
and I don't think he can possibly win."
"Oh I think he can." says the punter smiling, " I own the other four."
288-
Man United have signed a new striker from Nigeria.
On his first day of training, Fergie picked up the ball and said 'BALL' then
pointed at the goal and said 'Goal. Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and
said 'Kick' understand, 'Kick ball, goal, GOOOOOAAAALLL!'
Eventually the young African plucks up courage to say "Excuse me Mr Ferguson but
I speak very good English", to which Fergie replies
'Sit down son, I'm talking to Berbatov.'
289-
Fabio Capello names his England Squad for the world cup.
Wayne Rooney + 24 possibilities.
290-
Man: Im a bit kinky. Was wondering what you could do for me?
Woman: Well it depends, what kind of kinky?
Man: I like to be totally dominated, degraded and humiliated
Woman: Yea, no problem. It will cost you £40
Man: Great, what do I get for that?
Woman: A Celtic top...
291-
It has been found after extensive research, there are two sizes of penis
amongst UK men: those which fall within the normal size range & those which are
less than two inches while erect. The government has appealed for help to
continue research. Could all the men in the UK with extremely small penises make
themselves known over the next six weeks by flying a white flag with a red cross
from their cars?
292-
Pretending
you don't like football can have its advantages; I've already fucked my best
mate's wife.
293-
Watching the World Cup
is a lot like being married.
You're supposed to enjoy it, but there's a constant droning sound in the
background.
294-
Please help a starving
African,
My name is Jamarl and I own a betting shop in Cape Town.
Saturday morning a tall English man came in and asked to put a large bet on
England drawing with USA. I thought England beat USA easy, so I give him good
odds.
Today this man is back for his money, I say "Please don't take all my money Rob"
but he not listen, now I have no money for food.
295-
Oh,
so you're starving are you?
Well stop spending my donations on annoying plastic trumpets, and buy some
fucking rice.
296-
Today in Africa someone dies every 3 seconds.
Just think, by the 90th minute that's 1800 fewer Vuvuzelas.
297-
Heskey: "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I could kick
myself."
Capello: "I wouldn't bother. You'd probably miss."
298-
One day, David Ross decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew
him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere. He hired a caddy
to guide him around the course. After another day of slices, duff shots, misread
putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset. He turned to the caddy and said,
'You know I must be the worst golfer in the world.' The caddy replied, 'I think
not sir, I have heard there is a guy named David Ross from Mackay who is the
worst player ever!'
bestfilthyjokes@googlemail.com