Sex
1-
Siamese Twins
A man in a bar noticed a very attractive set of blonde siamese twins. They started talking, he bought them a few drinks and pretty soon they were laughing and joking, getting on really well. At closing time he asked them if they would like to go back to his place for a nightcap and they both agreed.
Back at his apartment they enjoyed a few more drinks and they started talking dirty. He suggested that they should all go off to the bedroom and the siamese twins readily agreed. They all undressed and soon he was having terrific sex with one of the twins. After he'd finished with the first one the second one cried out "My turn now" so he started to have sex with her.
The other siamese twin suddenly notices a saxophone in the corner of the bedroom and asks the guy whether she can try it out as she's always wanted to play the saxophone. He says sure and carries on having sex with her twin whilst she's trying to play "When the saints go marching in" at full volume on the saxophone.
The evening ends with the guy calling a cab for the siamese twins. They all agree that they should meet up again some time.
Four days later the siamese twins are walking down the street and one turns to the other and says "Hey. Isn't that the apartment that we went to with that guy the other night?" "Yeah I think it is" says the other one, "Shall we go up and see if he's in?" "I'm not sure" says her sister, "Do you think he'll remember us?"
2-
A bloke comes home to find that his girlfriend is packing her suitcase. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm leaving you" she sobbed. "I heard that you are a paedophile".
"Hell", he said. "That's a big word for a five year old".
3-
A paedophile is taking a six year old into the woods at night.
She starts to cry, "I'm scared!"
"How do you think I feel" the Paedophile replied, "I have to walk out of these woods alone."
4-
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." A little while later, a man sat down next to the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian".
5-
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in the social centre and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my panty hose."
6-
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
7-
Two couples had arranged to spend a long weekend at a country house hotel. On the drive to the hotel they shared a car and during the 2 hour journey they agreed that, to spice up the weekend, they would try a little partner swapping.
Having checked into the hotel each went on to the bedroom with their new partner. The sex started immediately. It was hot and heavy. After half an hour one of the men turned to his new partner and said.
"That was terrific. We should have done this years ago. I wonder how the girls are getting on”?
8-
How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny?
You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you're feeding a horse.
9-
What's the worst thing to say in an Ann Summers shop
"Ummm...does this come in children sizes?”
10-
One evening after a few drinks at the local tavern, two buddies named Kirk and Bernie started discussing their wives. Quickly the conversation moved on to orgasms.
Bernie asked Kirk, "Did you know that there are four different types of orgasms?"
Kirk replied, "Really? I had no idea. What are they?"
Bernie answered, "Well, they are the Positve, Negative, Religious, and the Fake."
"What's the difference? asked Kirk.
Bernie replied, "The Positive goes, 'Oh yes! Ooh yes!' The Negative goes, 'Oh no! Oh no!' The Religious goes, 'Oh God! Oh God!' And, the Fake one goes, 'Oh Kirk! Oh Kirk!'"
11-
Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.
Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair."
Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"
12-
A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you."
"Why, because you miss me?"
"No, because it keeps me from coming too fast."
13-
One day a mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
14-
A guy is shipwrecked on a celebrity cruise and he wakes up stranded on a desert island with Nicole Kidman. Anyway, after a few weeks they are having passionate sex. This is all fine and dandy for a bit, but the guy starts getting a bit depressed. Nicole comes up to him on the beach one day and says, "What's the matter?" He says "Well, it's wonderful, I'm on a tropical island with a beautiful woman who I love, but...but... I miss my mates. I miss going down the pub with them." She says, "Well, I'm an actress. Maybe if I get dressed in some of those male clothes which were left behind in the trunks, I can pretend to be one of your friends, and you can talk to me as if you were down the pub." It sounded a bit weird but he thought he would give it a try. So she gets into the
men's clothing and they sit down next to each other, And the guy goes "Hey Joe, You'll never guess who I've been fucking."
15-
After working for many long, hard years a hooker decides to finally retire. Fearful of spending the rest of her life alone, she also decides to marry. Having been with so many perverted men over the years, she felt that she needed a change and committed to marrying only a virgin male approx. the same age as herself.
She took out numerous ads in various newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin approx. 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choices down to one Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was convinced that he indeed had never been with a woman and they were soon afterward married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she returns, she finds that her new husband has taken the bed and
everything in the room and stacked it in one corner. Thinking this rather kinky, she asks her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman before?"
He replies, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"
16-
Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo." The other guy asks, "What's the Rodeo position, and how do you to do it?"
The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister likes this position too' and then you try to hang on for 8 seconds."
17-
A widower lives with his daughter, a graduate student, in a small university town in the mid west. The man comes home from work at the same time every day. One day, upon entering the house, he hears awful racket coming from behind his daughter's bedroom door. He barges through the door only to see his daughter on her bed "intimately" involved with a large, studded
vibrator. Before he can say a word, the daughter exclaims: "Look dad, I'm 33 years old, in graduate school, and all the good guys are married already. For all I know this is the best I'll ever have, so just leave me alone!" The father leaves her room, scratching his head, closing the door behind
him. A week or so later, the daughter comes home from school, enters the living room to find her dad sitting on the couch with a beer in one hand watching football on TV and with the vibrator on the couch next to him. She says, "Dad, what the hell are you doing???! "The man says, "Oh, just sitting here, watching the match and having a beer with my Son-in-law."
18-
The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively.
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!"
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."
19-
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
20-
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly dude. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..." "$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?" "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it." The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!" "Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs..." "How much is that?" "$500" "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!" "You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building? with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, here between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?" "Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!" She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"
21-
Yossel Abramovitz worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he had a very real and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
This went on for years, and Yossel couldn't stand it any more. So he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his. He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told Yossel that since Yossel's desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, the only way to get over it was to do it. Yossel gladly agreed to do it the next day at work.
The next day he came home from work very early, about 11 AM. His wife Sarah was very worried and asked why he was home so early. Yossel explained to her for the first time the desire he had had to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He explained that he couldn't take it any more and today he did it and he got fired as a result.
Sarah gasped and ran over to him, yanked down his pants and briefs, only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact. She looked back up and said "I don't understand ... what happened to the pickle slicer?"
"I think she got fired too."
22-
Luigi and Marco grew up together in a small village in the south of Italy. When they were 15 Marco decided that he would move to Rome to find a job as he didn’t see any possibility of earning big money in the little hamlet. Thirty years went by and Marco decided to revisit his old friend Luigi. Although Marco had done well for himself in Rome and was now the manager of a medium sized engineering company he was surprised to see that Luigi, who had stayed in the same village, was now an extremely wealthy man. He had a fine house, a Ferrari sports car and a large ocean going yacht. After a fine meal at his house Luigi suggested to Marco that they take a walk around his large estate at the top of the village. “You know Marco, sometimes I wish I’d gone with you to Rome when we were both 15. The people in this village are so narrow minded. You see the new marina in the harbour-I built that with my own construction company but do you think they call me Luigi the bringer of wealth? No. Such small minded people.You see the new church in the village square- I funded that but do you think they call me Luigi the provider? No. Such small minded people.You see the new school just across from the church - I designed it and built it but do you think they call me Luigi the father of our education? No. Such small minded people. But you fuck one little sheep!
23-
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife... "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final!" "Do I have to go fishing with you? I really don't want to go!" "Okay, I'll give you three choices:
1 - You come fishing with me and the dog
2 - You give me a blow job, or
3 - We have anal"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!" I've given you three options, you'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back.
"Well, what have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ANAL?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind. "OK, l'll give you a blow job"
Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. She stops and looks up at her husband. "This tastes absolutely disgusting. It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes," says her husband "the dog didn't want to go fishing either."
24-
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill.
The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
25-
A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!" The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.
Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!". The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?". The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?", The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"
26-
A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off. Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... Houdini "
27-
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear short skirts and thong panties.
One day, a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack there of and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please." the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for
herself! Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at
her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the old man, "but it's startin to twitch!"
28-
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex. “What’s that” he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, “Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. “Here,” she said, “you must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, “What the heck did you do that for?”
“Just checking for bees,” said Tarzan
29-
A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept.
So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde.
Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment."
Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."
They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, ..."That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."
30-
A guy goes into a brothel and says to the Madam, “What can I get for $20?”
She, totally uninterested in this “big spender” calls over her shoulder, “Maisie, come and give this guy a Penguin”
Maisie walks over, kneels in front of the guy, drops his trousers and shorts and starts to give him a blowjob. She stops about 30 seconds before he’s ready to come and walks away.
The guy walks after her, still with his shorts and trousers round his legs, and cries out “What’s a Penguin?”
31-
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he
went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in thecar until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck
his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"
32-
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
33-
"What I've Learned From Watching Porn"
Women wear high heels to bed.
When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with
embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
All women are noisy fucks.
People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
Those tits are real.
A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap
it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
Double penetration makes women smile.
Asian men don't exist.
If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a brisk slap on the butt.
Nurses always suck patient's penises.
When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
Women never have headaches... or periods.
When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
Men don't have to beg.
When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
34-
This old guy had never done a 69 before. So he goes down to the local whore house and tells the madam his problem. The madam says she can fix him up for fifty bucks. The old guy gives her fifty bucks and she tells him to go upstairs to the second door on the right. He gets there and opens the door and here is the most beautiful blonde he has ever seen. He tells her he is there to do a 69 with her but that he is not quite sure how to do it. The blonde says, "All we do is both get naked and I put my head between your legs and suck you off while you have your head between my legs licking my pussy." They both strip down and are going to town when all of a sudden she lets a big, nasty smelling fart rip. He jumps up and says "What the fuck was that all about?" She said she was sorry and it would not happen again. So they start going at again and sure enough she lets another one rip. The old guy jumps again and starts putting his clothes back on. She asks him where he is going. And he says "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those you're crazy."
35-
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
36-
Jack had been dating Jill for over a year now and was finally ready to pop the question. He decided to do it over dinner and invited Jill out to a restaurant. After dinner, Jack said to Jill, "Honey, I've got something rather important to ask you, but first, there is something else I want to ask you." Jill, a little surprised, said, "Well sure, what is it" "Well, I wanted to know how you feel about sex.", Jack inquired. Jill replied, "Oh, it's fine, as long as it is infrequent."
Jack paused for a second, then asked, "Is that one word, or two?"
37-
At 8.00am sharp, just as usual, Jeeves the butler enters his master’s bedroom carrying a breakfast tray holding a pot of tea, 2 slices of toast and a lightly grilled kipper. He sets the tray down, crosses the room and opens the curtains to let in the streaming sunlight. He then advances with the tray towards the bed where his lordship is just stirring. Jeeves notices what can only be an early morning erection which is causing the top sheet to impersonate a small tent. “Oh congratulations Your Lordship, I notice that Master John Thomas has also awoken early today. Would you like me to invite Her Ladyship from her room”?
“No I think not Jeeves. Just pack a small overnight bag. I think I’ll smuggle this one down to London today”
38-
A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years. Then one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the
horizon. He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, until he spies a rowboat being let down into the water from the ship. About ten minutes later the rowboat reaches the shore carrying a man in a captain's uniform.
"Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I was never going to be rescued."
"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain.
"Ten years, ten long years" replies the man.
"Ten years?" says the Captain, "how have you coped all that time on your own?"
"Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house; there it is, over there, Number 1!"
"But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!".
"Ah well, that's not quite true" says the man shyly.
"What do you mean?" inquires the Captain.
"Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried in the sand and it's ass facing me. Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!"
"Ugh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked Captain.
"Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out of step."
39-
A man had a big dance coming up but the problem was he didn't know how to dance. So he went to a dance studio. The instructor told him to pretend that there is a 10 cent piece on his right shoulder and that he must try to touch the coin with his earlobe in time to the music. So the guy went home and practiced this all week long. The next week the instructor told him to do the same thing with his left shoulder. The next lesson he was told to pretend that there was a 50 cent piece on his penis and he had to flip it into the air and catch it again. The week before the dance he had his last lesson. This time the instructor told him to pretend to bounce a $1 coin on his butt. The night of the dance came and he met a girl. They danced and danced and the whole time he was saying, "10 cents, 10 cents, 50 cents, a dollar." The girl was so impressed she asked the man to make love to her the same way that he danced.
So they got back to her house and went for it. "10 cents, 10 cents, 50 cents, a dollar. 10 cents, 10 cents... oh fuck it, a dollar seventy, a dollar seventy, a dollar seventy..."
40-
A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him a gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce. "You too?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?" "My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply. "What a coincidence -- MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex..." "Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore this kinkiness together?" He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another's house because of their pending divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come... "Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zip come down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened. "Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkiness here!" she complained. "We did!", he says, "I just crapped in your handbag!"
41-
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.
The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance.
I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.
I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.
As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had both been waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, and she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered:
"Baaaa", then re-joined the flock.
42-
Polite Things to say after a Wife Swapping Party
“Thank you for having us”
“Not at all. Thank you for coming. Please come again”
43-
One day a man walks into a whore house. He goes to the pimp and says, "I want something different."
The pimp says "Well, we have one girl that loves to take it up the ass."
"No, that's too common. I want something different."
"Well, have you ever tried a Hurricane Gussy?"
"I'll be damned, that is different. I'll try that."
The man goes up to the room and takes off his clothes. A minute later a huge Amazon type women comes in. She starts jumping up and down, blowing as hard as she can. The man says, "What the hell are you doing?"
"I'm Hurricane Gussy and that is the wind coming from the Hurricane."
"OK, I'll buy that."
Then she starts beating him over the head with her breasts.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"Those are the coconuts nuts falling off the tree hittin' you on the head."
The man says alright. Then she stands over top of him and starts pissing all over him. "What the hell are you doing?!!"
"Those are the warm rains coming from the hurricane."
The man gets up and starts to put on his clothes. Gussy says, "Where are you going?"
"I'm leaving!! Who can fuck in this weather?!"
44-
The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine."
"Well? What did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said, "I told him that a straight shag was £100, but he said he did not have that much. So, I told him a blow job would be £75, but he did not have that much either. Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?' The marine said he only had £25. So, I told him, 'For £25, all I can give you is a hand job.' He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one."
She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continues, "Then I put the first hand above the second hand..."
"Oh my God!" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge! Then what did you do?"
"I loaned him £75!"
45-
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his
briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
46-
While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
47-
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well
dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
'Can I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie" the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else." said the madam.
"No. I must see Natalie" was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is: Three things in life are certain:
1. Death.
2. Taxes.
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.
48-
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home? The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."
49-
A woman tells her friend she’s received a bunch of flowers from her husband. “I suppose now I’ll have to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air.” she says, to which the friend replies, “Why? Don’t you have a vase?”
50-
A salesman on business in Vegas is in a bar. He is talking to a pretty woman for about a half hour when he realizes she is a hooker.
"I'll give you $200 for a mediocre blow job," he says.
"Honey," she replies, "for $200 I'll give you the blow job of a lifetime!"
"You don't understand," he says, "I'm not horny, just homesick."
51-
A country boy has come into some money and decides he will go to town. Having never been to town before he strolls up and down the streets looking at the stores, when he comes to a barber shop. "Well," he says. "I have never had a city hair cut, I think I will get one."
He goes in and sits down and the barber says, "What can I do for you?"
Country boy says, "I want the works, everything, I can pay for it!"
So the barber starts cutting, and in a little while he says, "Would you like a singe?" Country boy says, "I said I want the works, everything."
This shop has a good looking, well built manicurist, wearing a tight knit, almost see through shirt and she walks over and asks if he want a manicure. He says, "I want the works, everything!" So she starts working on him, all the while rubbing those big breasts up against him and looking at him with those big eyes.
In a few minutes she asks, "Shall I push back the cuticle?"
He says, "Just kiss me, it will roll back by itself."
52-
Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and
that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancée what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
53-
A little old lady in a nursing home stands and raises her fist in the Rec Centre one day and says, "Whoever can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight."
A little old man in the back of the room yells, "an elephant."
She says, "Close enough."
54-
A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her-knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman.
She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man.
The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank, and 8 inches in your trousers."
Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her.
It reads: "Just so you know - I have a Mercedes AND a BMW, and over TEN million in the bank. But not even for YOU,
sweet-heart, would I cut 2 inches off my dick. So send back the bottle."
55-
The boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her:
Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob ?
What ? You're crazy ???!!!
Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem
No !! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbour...
At this time of the night no one will show up..
I've already said NO, and NO means NO.
Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too..
NO !!! I've said NO !!!
My love.. don't be like that..
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says:
Dad told you to blow, or that I must blow, or he will come down and blow himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.
56-
These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.
The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw
them up to the ceiling, where they stuck. She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"
57-
A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the female’s skirt.
To his delight, he realises she is going commando.
The blonde realises he is staring and enquires, “Are you looking at my fanny?”
“Yes, I’m sorry” replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
“It’s quite alright,” replies the woman, “It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.”
Sure enough the fanny blows him a kiss.
The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder fanny can do.
“I can also make it wink,” says the woman.
The man stares in amazement as the fanny winks at him.
“Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat.
The man moves over and is asked, “Would you like to stick two fingers in?”
Shocked, the man replies, “Fucking hell! Can it whistle as well?!”
58-
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"
"Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!!"
59-
This man and this woman are sitting next to each other in first class,
flying to Paris. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of
degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when sneeze, I have an orgasam."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
60-
Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way it is. Oxford University allocated a budget of £500,000 for research. After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful fertilisation.
Cambridge University spent £750,000 on a research programme that lasted years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip because it maximised the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation.
Finally, the Open University spent £2.50 on a copy of Playboy and 10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end.
61-
What not to say in an Ann Summers Shop
10.) Does this come in children's sizes?
9.) No thanks -just sniffing.
8.) I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7.) Mom will love this.
6.) Oh the size doesn't matter-She's inflatable.
5.) No need to wrap it up-I'll eat it here.
4.) Will you model this for me?
3.) The Miracle What?? This is better than world peace!!
2.) 45 quid?? You just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
1.) Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.
62-
Harry is sitting at home with his girlfriend baby-sitting for his little sister, once they put her to bed Harry and his girlfriend start getting more comfortable and just as Harry slides his hand up her skirt his mother walks in. "HARRY! I want a word with you in the kitchen!" So he follows his mother in and she says, "Harry, I never want to see you doing that again!" "Why?" Harry asks.
"Because up between them legs is a black hole and it's got teeth in it, if you put your hand near it again it'll bite your fingers off!"
Harry promises his mother that he won't. The years go on and Harry finally marries his childhood sweet heart. On their honeymoon, Harry kisses his wife then rolls over and starts to go to sleep; his wife, rather annoyed cries, "Harry, I've been waiting years for this day and I want you to make love to me!" "Oh no, no, no," Harry answers, "my mother told me that up between your legs you've got a black hole with teeth in it, and if I go near it, it will bite me!"
Laughing, his wife rolls over and picks up a torch, shining it between her legs she says, "Can you see any teeth up there?" Harry moved down the bed to look, "Well Harry, can you?!" his wife asks. "No, there's no teeth, but I'm not surprised looking at the state of your gums!"
63-
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!", he said to the bartender.
"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers.
He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said,
"You found her!".
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first".
64-
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, swallowing
hard, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the man of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Red Neck."
Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto!", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein!...but my friends call me 'Bubba'".
65-
Ultimate Pick-up Line
Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned.
I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it.
I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax. We go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable.
So we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married. I get a promotion; you get a promotion; we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom; but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful.
The sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence
I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar. You throw me out (justifiably
so), and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up.
That's just too sad. Think about the children.
So, for God's sake, if you dance with me, and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.
66-
In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.
The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally." So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs where she completes his deflowering.
Later, as they are walking downstairs, the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"
"Yes ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs, then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."
67-
There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.
A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.
A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.
They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."
68-
Bill rents an apartment in Chicago, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl, so she strikes up a conversation with him.
As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, he places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming..."
Bill follows her into the apartment. Once inside, she leans against the wall allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purrs, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, your best feature has to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They're full, they don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My butt is firm and doesn't sag, and have no cellulite! So, why in in the world would you say my ears are my best feature?"
Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers, "Because, when we were in the hallway you said you heard someone coming... that was me!"
69-
A young man went up to his father and asked him, "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?" His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"
70-
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"
71-
A few years ago, David Copperfield was performing one of his magic shows in London. Towards the end of the show he asks the audience if anyone would like to go up on stage and perform a trick themselves. One bloke in the front row immediately puts his hand up and Copperfield invites him up.
The man says 'I'll need an assistant for this David, can I borrow your Missus for a while?'. Copperfield agrees, and on comes Claudia Scheiffer. The man immediately lifts up Claudia's skirt, pulls down her pants and starts shagging her up the arse.
'What are you doing?', says Copperfield, 'That's not a trick!'
'I Know', says the man, 'But it's Fucking magic'.
72-
A middle aged woman is out shopping in Tesco's and sees a cute young man working in the store, she makes sure that he is nearby when she pays for her shopping. "Can somebody help me take my shopping to my car" she asks, and sure enough the young man who she has her eye on gets told to help her.
When they get to the car park the woman leans over so only he can hear and says "young man, I have an itchy fanny"
to which he replies..."You will have to point it out to me madam, all those Japanese cars look the same to me!"
73-
They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, greying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye -- very young, ravishing and delectable.
As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.
She scanned the menu yet again, and said "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English sole followed by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips.
For dessert, they may just bring the cart."
Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but by the cost of all of this, he asked, "Tell me. Do you eat this well at home, too?"
"Well, no." she admitted, "But no one at home wants to shag me."
74-
An old man was having an on-going affair with a widow. They had a standing date to meet once a month for a
night of passion.
After their April tryst, he said to her, "See ya in May."
She sighed and replied, "Is sex all you ever think about ?"
75-
On Fred's 86th birthday one of his female neighbors, from down the hall in the old folks home, came into his room and unzipped his pants. She the proceeded to strip him of his trousers and pants. She sat down on the bed with him and grasped his withered shlong and held him for an hour. She did this routine of undressing him and holding his dick for an hour, every morning of his birthday. On Fred's 93 birthday she proceeded to disrobe him when he told her to stop.
"What do you mean you don't want me to do it any more", she said baffled by his actions.
"I just don't want you to hold me anymore", replied Fred.
"Why, is there someone else"?
"Actually there is," Fred shamefully admitted.
"Well what does she have that I don't have"?
"Parkinsons", replied Fred.
76-
A man picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over.
After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.
The fellow asked her what she found so amusing.
"Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."
Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
77-
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
78-
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry."
79-
The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what?"
She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."
Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."
Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big."
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."
80-
A young apprentice talent agent went out to dinner and a few drinks one night. After a few drinks he met a woman and they had a few drinks together then ended up at his place.
Things start to get pretty hot and he goes down on her. When he gets close to it he hears something, so he puts his ear closer and hears singing. It's a high pitched sweet voice singing an old song.
The man is so excited he forgets all about sex, he gets on the phone and calls his boss.
"Hello Joe you gotta hear this," and he puts the phone down by her pussy where the singing is still going on. "Did you hear that Joe, Did you hear it?"
Joe says, "What the hell's wrong with you? Did you wake me up at three o'clock in the morning just to hear some cunt sing!
81-
Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzie wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"
"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."
About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.
"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.
"I took your advice."
"Didn't you compliment her?"
"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."
"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.
"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I paid her another compliment." "What did you say?" "For such a large snatch, it sure doesn't stink much."
82-
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
83-
A female goes to Greece for vacation. While on vacation, she meets a man. She calls her mother in America and says, "Mom, I really want to marry him."
The mother insists on checking his background to see if he's okay. The mother calls back several days later and says, "We've completed the check. This is definitely Mister Right. He comes from a good family with an impressive background. He owns vineyards and bottles his own wines. You have our blessing to marry him."
After several years, the mother eventually visits her daughter in Greece. Her daughter tells her "I want a divorce."
The mother is surprised at this. She asks "Why? From what you've told me, he doesn't abuse you. He never raises his voice to you. He provides you with everything you've ever asked for. Why could you possibly want a divorce?"
"All he ever wants to do," the daughter says, "is to do me from behind. He butt fucks me. I'm telling you that if he fucked my pussy three times in five months, that's
a lot. My butt hole went from the size of a dime to the size of a half dollar."
"But honey," the mothers says, "do you really want to get a divorce over the difference of 40 cents?"
84-
It was at the Golden Age Rest Home that Sam met Gilda. He was in love! He constantly told her how beautiful she was, what a great sense of humor she had, and how sexy she was.
"Oh Sammy", she said, "if you knew how old I was, you wouldn't be saying such things."
But Sam was in love. "Listen Gilda, I bet I can tell you exactly how old you are" he said.
"And how would you do that?" she replied. "Well
Gilda", he said, "We will go to your room, light a candle, dim the lights, get on the bed, and I will put my hand in your panties. Then I will tell you just exactly how old you are." Being the curious type, Gilda agreed.
They went into her room, lit a candle, dimmed the lights, got on the bed, and Sam put his hand inside Gilda's panties. When they were 'finished'...Gilda asked, "Ok then, how old am I?" Sam replied, "88 years old." "OY!!! I don't believe it! How did you know?"
Sam replied, "You told me last week!"
85-
A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood.
He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries.
She says, "Well, what did you do for love?"
He says, "Love? What's that?"
She says, "I'll show you." She shows him. Then she shows him again. Then she shows him one more time. When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like love?"
He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."
86-
Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?"
"I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered, "undress you, lick you from head to toe, and make love to you until morning."
"Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that, just from two hellos?"
87-
A Martian couple landed on Earth. They emerged from their spacecraft and went up to a farmhouse. They knocked on the door. When the farmer and his wife answered, they announced that they were from Mars and wanted to come in to chat.
The farm couple extended their hospitality and they all seemed to hit it off well. After a while, the farmer said, "Do you two swing?"
The Martian replied, "Why yes, we do." And so they swapped mates and adjourned for appropriate activity.
After the Martian man had climbed on, he said to the Earth woman, "Is my dick long enough?"
She replied, "Well...now that you mention it, it could be a little longer."
"No problem," he said and proceeded to twist his left ear. Like magic, his dick got longer. "How's that now?"
"One notch more!" said the woman.
Her request was promptly complied with via another twist of the left ear. His next question was, "Would you like it a little thicker?"
"Don't mind if it is." she replied. He twisted his right ear once. The woman said, "That's perfect!" They proceeded to bang away.
The next morning the Earth couple were comparing experiences and the husband said, "How was it for you?"
The wife replied, "Super! How about you?"
The husband responded, "Well, it was pretty good except for one thing."
"What was that?" his wife inquired.
"She damn near tore my friggin ears off!"
88-
This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?"
"Sure", he says and they were off to the nearest motel.
She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.
She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?"
The guy says: "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."
89-
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.
Mum: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?
Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.
Mum: How?
Daughter: Oh, stuff....
Mum: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...
Daughter: I don't know.....
Mum: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.
Daughter: Really?
Mum: Really...
Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?
90-
Two friends talking.
John, would you like to participate in group sex?"
"Who's involved?"
"Me, you, and your wife."
"NO!"
"Fine. Then I'll take your name off the list."
91-
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now... Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him: - Awww, my honey is so depressed... here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't think about it again.
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment: She said this is not enough, she wants sixty...
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: -Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I only charged him fifty...
92-
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.
One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning," He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"
He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."
93-
There's this couple and they've been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he's very hot and bothered, and he said, "Oh come on, just a feel."
She said, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage."
They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel."
She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage."
So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, "Can't we please?"
She of course states, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He says, "Please, please?" and she says, "No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He says, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?"
She says, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He begs and pleads with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that."
She finally gives in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all."
He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... he so hot and ready that he can't control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town... she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!"
A little stunned, he says, "NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!"
94-
A tired
traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby.
He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
95-
The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been selling her body at a hundred dollars a night The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on and how much he wanted to make it with her.
She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay her the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don‚t I even get my agent‚s ten percent as a deduction?"
"No siree," she said. "If you want it, you‚re going to have to pay full price for it, just like the other Johns."
The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed. That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local night club. The agent screwed her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.
At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously screwed. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was screwed. The actress was impressed with her lover‚s vitality.
"My God," she whispered in the dark, "you are virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."
"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered.
"He's at the door taking tickets "
96-
A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.
The first guy replies, "Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
97-
The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her only for her beauty.
And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money.
And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.
98-
A woman and her boyfriend are in bed.
She says, "Stick a finger in my pussy."
He does.
She then says, "Stick your hand in it."
He sticks his whole hand in it.
Then the woman asks him to stick both hands into her vagina, and he complies.
"Now, lover-boy," she says, "clap your hands."
"I can't, honey!"
"Tight, eh?"
99-
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
100-
Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.
After six times she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.
On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it."
After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"
101-
The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish....... but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
102-
What's better than fucking two eighteen year old girls at once?
Nothing.
103-
Sandy and John were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright, white couple. Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black baby, and set to work. Nine months later, the fruits of their labor was born: a lovely white girl.
Pleased but disappointed, John decided to ask a black man at work why they hadn't parented a black baby. Realizing that John was somewhat sluggish, the fellow took him aside and asked, "Is your dick at least a foot long?"
John had to admit that it was not.
"And is it at least four inches wide?"
Once more John said no
"Well, man, there's your problem!" the chap slapped him on the back. "You let in too much light!"
104-
While enjoying a drink with a friend one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.
Finally, the spent young guy rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
105-
This man went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.
While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Channel No 5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.
106-
What's the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend and a wife?
The hooker say's, "Aren't you done yet?"
The girlfriend says, "Are you done already?"
And the wife says, "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.
107-
THINGS WOMEN SHOULD NOT SAY ON A FIRST DATE:
10. Technically, I still love Simon Le Bon.
9. Will you marry me?
8. Cats are more intelligent than men.
7. I might as well tell you now - I suffer from terrible fanny farts.
6. I used to be a man.
5. I was drunk when I got here.
4. Even the thought of oral sex turns my stomach.
3. I must've slept with over four hundred men.
2. I hate my hairy arse. It's so unwomanly.
1. Shall we get the money out of the way now?
108-
JOBS SIMILAR TO MAKING LOVE
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir...gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. Then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and slip into the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently and give every inch of it your loving attention and make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
BEING IN THERAPY
Yes, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriageway is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Going fishing is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear, particularly at the base where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
109-
A man and woman are sitting next to each other in a bar.
"First," said the confident young stud, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose." "Oh, no you're not," said the girl. "Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks," said the persistent bachelor. "Oh, no you're not," the girl exclaimed. "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks" said the stud. "Oh, no you're not," she insisted. "Then I'm going to make uncontrolled, passionate love to you," he said. "Oh, no you're not," she said firmly. "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy. "Oh, yes you are!" said the girl.
110-
Things Not to Say During Sex
But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
Hold on, I need to find Dr. Ruth's pager number again.
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth...
Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
No, really... I do this part better myself!
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
You're almost as good as my ex!
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps you're just out of practice.
They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
Does your husband own a shotgun?
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I have a confession...
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
You'll still vote for me, won't you?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
Did you come yet, dear?
I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
You can cook, too right?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''?
Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses...
Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?
You mean you're NOT my blind date?
111-
Try These Pick-up Lines
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No!? Wanna do lunch?
Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day long.
Can I borrow 10p? I want to call my mum and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man answers, "Yes, do you have the energy?"
Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.
Do you want to see something really swell?
Your hair is perfectly pH balanced.
I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
Do you want to go out for a pizza and a screw? What, you don't like pizza?
At the office copy machine "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"
Ask: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" (No?) Wink.
Ever tried those weird prickly condoms?
(Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.
Moisten finger with tongue, dab it on her blouse and say “Let’s get you out of those wet clothes”
If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?
Excuse me, do you want to screw, or should I apologize?
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids. Let's play gynecologist.
Hey baby, can I tickle your belly from the inside?
Here's 10p...call your mum and tell her you won't be coming home tonight.
Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us.
Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with these two fingers? Because they're mine.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
So... How am I doing?
I go down on the first date, how about you?
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them. I've got all weekend.
I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels.
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?
Excuse me, ma'am, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?
If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg was Christmas, could I spend some time between the holidays?
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No? Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
Hi, my name is <fill in the blank>. That's so you'll know what to scream.
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
Nice shoes. Want to screw?
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?
Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.
Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
The first time is always the hardest.
The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
Want to play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight.
Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.
Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
You don't want to dance? I guess a screw is out of the question.
You know what would look good on you? Me.
I'd really love to screw your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it.
You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.
Your daddy must have been a baker, because you've got a nice set of buns.
112-
A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting.
Their task for today is to each stand up in turn, speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed.
The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder"
Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrong doing.
The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery" Again, there is a round of approving looks.
This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy.
He stands up and says "My name is Melvin, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for"
The group leader says "Now, come on Melvin, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did."
"Ok then. I'm in for screwing dogs."
Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "Oh that's disgusting! How LOW can you go!?!"
"Chihuahuas", Melvin replies.
113-
How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
The kid stutters.
114-
Two college coeds were having a beer. One said to the other, "Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called me late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."
"What on earth did she want?" her friend asked.
"Oh... she just said, "I can't believe I have a person inside me!"
I said, "So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so ?"
115-
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual
problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I.
"We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again.
"So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked.
"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told
us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is
wonderful!, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.
"I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."
116-
One day a midget came into this really trendy bar.
He was dressed with two-toned black and white shoes & beautiful silk coat and designer tie.
His hair was fashionably combed back and he had perfectly white-straight teeth.
He came into the bar slightly whistling to himself and swinging, in small circles, a watch-chain attached to his
designer trousers.
You could see a diamond ring flashing on his right hand as he swung the chain.
When he walked in, he had an air of extreme confidence and almost
smugness.
He thought he was hot and he obviously felt very good about himself.
As he walked into the crowded bar filled with the "beautiful" people he noticed sitting at the other end of the bar a gorgeous well built red head with long flowing hair to her waist.
She had a plunging neckline, with a diamond necklace sparkling down towards her beautiful cleavage and matching bracelet on her wrist.
She had on a skin-tight long, blue dress with a shimmering glow to it.
She was a fox and she knew it.
The bar was packed with people and the cigarette smoke just hung in the air.
She was sitting at the bar and had a long cigarette holder in her hand as she sat nursing a martini being held in her long
slinky hand with long red coloured fingernails.
She had an air about that said rich, sexy, sophisticated, and untouchable as she drew a
breathe of cigarette from her cigarette holder and exhaled slow and deliberately.
The midget ordered a drink, took a sip and swinging his chain with his other hand surveyed the whole bar and moved towards the beautiful red head sitting by herself towards the end of the bar.
He walked over to a vacant spot right next to her as she made a point of trying to ignore his presence
Standing, he looked her up and down and she could feel his eyes checking her from head to toe.
The macho little midget finally leaned over right next to her actually making physical contact with him almost brushing her arm as it held her martini.
She glanced over her shoulder down at the floor at him.
He nestled up close to her and with the cockiness and self-confidence of someone who thought they were God's gift to women, looked at her cleavage and slowly followed it up to her eyes and said:
"What do you say to a little fuck??"
She slowly took a drag off her cigarette holder and exhaled slowly and looking him directly in the eyes said:
"Hi little fuck."
117-
Q.) How can you tell when a car mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.
118-
A woman phones Norris McWhirter of The Guinness Book of Records and says
"I have a 10" long vagina, is it a record?"
"I don't know" says Norris, "but it'll take some licking."
119-
A white man noticed the impressive length of the black man's penis at the adjacent urinal. "Sure wish I had one like yours."
The black man replied, "You can--just tie a string around it and hang a weight on the end of the string. Put the weight down your pant leg and you can have one like mine."
The white man thanked him for the suggestion and left. Some weeks later, they met again in the lavatory. The black man asked how the project was going.
"Great, I'm half way there!"
Really?" said the black man.
"Yes. It's turning black!"
120-
Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity. Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed that Flo's toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out.
When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, "I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out."
Flo looked at him and said "That usually happens when someone forgets to remove my tights."
121-
A young man on a blind date takes a girl to an amusement park. They go for a ride on the Ferris wheel, but the girl seems kind of bored.
"What would you like to do next?" the young man asks.
"I wanna get weighed," she answers. So the young man takes her over to the guy who guesses weight. "One-twelve," says the man, and the scale confirms it. Next they ride the roller coaster. After that the young man buys the girl some popcorn and candyfloss and asks what else she would like to do.
"I wanna get weighed," she answers. I really struck out tonight, thinks the young man, and, claiming he has a headache, he takes the girl home.
The girl's mother is surprised to see her home so early and asks,
"What's wrong, dear? How was your date?"
"Wousy," says the girl.
122-
Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I ever had?........ It was great.
123-
So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
124-
I tried phone sex last night.
Is the antenna supposed to hurt like that?
125-
A man with a fetish for very large women walks into a brothel. When asked what he wants, he says 'I want a really large woman - as big as possible.' He is shown this enormous woman, but he shakes his head - 'nope, not fat enough. Get someone bigger than that.' He is shown another, even more enormous woman. 'Nope, still not big enough. I tell you what - give me the biggest woman you have!'. He is shown the biggest woman who works in the brothel. She is unbelievably big - 'That's more like it!' He is taken off to a room by the woman, and presently is on top of her going about satisfying his sexual
desires. After a few minutes of heaving and groaning, he suddenly stops and says to the woman -
'Sorry. Do you mind if I turn the light off?' to which the woman replies
'It's me, isn't it? I'm so big that you find me unattractive.' to which the man replies -
'No, not at all! I think you're a very attractive woman. It's just that the light bulb's burning my ass!'
126-
This undergraduate was very attracted to a charming and delightful woman in one of his classes. She was bright, witty, good looking, and very friendly. She also was in a wheelchair because she'd lost both legs in an accident. This proved to be no real barrier, however; this was one formidable woman whether she had legs or not. The young man asked her out on a date and she accepted.
They had a wonderful evening together, and they were most attracted to one another. When he brought her home, one thing led to another in the seat of the car, but she stopped him just at a crucial moment and said, "Wait, I've got an idea that will make it better for both of us. See that elm tree over there? Let me hang from that lower branch while we do it."
He was amazed not only at her upper body strength, but also at how good the sex was. Afterward, he brought her wheelchair over and gently took her down and wheeled her up to the house. As he was
preparing to go, however, he saw her father standing on the porch. "Young man, I want you to know that I saw everything you did with my daughter."
"You did?"
"Yes. And, I want to thank you."
"You do?"
"Yes. Every other guy she's brought home has left her hanging in the tree."
127-
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidante friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
128-
I knew this guy, he told me this, but I don't know if it's true.
He said that one day he was riding through North Carolina and he saw a sign that said: "VASELINE-POWERED CAR FOR SALE." He thought this was pretty odd, and he had plenty of time to screw off, so he decided to follow the signs to look at the Vaseline-powered car.
He drove for about 5 miles and finally came upon a sign that pointed up a driveway, which led back into some woods. He pulled in and drove about half a mile and came upon a house. It looked deserted so he blew the horn. He waited for about a minute before an old man came out. He rolled his window down and called out to him, "Hey! Is it true that you have a Vaseline-powered car for sale?" The old man assured him he did and the guy asked him if he could see it.
They walked back behind the house to an old barn. The old man opened the double-wide barn door and there was a car sitting under an old dirty blanket.
The old man pulled the blanket off the car and under it was a shiny red Corvette. "1969, 369 cubic inch, 400 horsepower, 4-speed transmission," the old man said. The guy asked him if it was true that the car ran on Vaseline. And the old man went to the Vaseline tank and stuck his hand inside. When he pulled it out it was covered with Vaseline. "Care to drive it?" he asked.
As the guy snapped on his seat belt the old man said, "Don't go too fast. Vaseline has more pick-up than regular gas. And it's low on Vaseline, too, so don't go too far." The guy turned the key and the car fired up and it sounded like the space shuttle and then it settled down like a purring tiger.
He found first gear and eased out of the barn. He turned onto the hardtop and hit second gear at 45 mph. Third at 70 and into fourth at 95. The car felt wonderful! 110 mph and so smooth! And the pick-up was unbelievable! He had covered 5 miles in under 3 minutes and all of a sudden the car shut off. He coasted to a stop
and got out. To his horror, he was out of Vaseline. He started to walk.
Meanwhile, down the road...
A family had just finished supper. There was Dad, Mom, and two daughters, one home from college, the other in high school. Dad was telling Mom how good supper was and Mom said that since she cooked such a fine meal that she shouldn't have to wash the dishes.
The oldest girl said that she couldn't do the dishes because she had a date and the other said she had homework to do and couldn't do the dishes.
Dad said that he was the man of the house and he'll be damned if he did the dishes. They argued for a few minutes and then Dad told everybody to shut up. He said that since they couldn't decide who would wash the dishes then what they should do is go in the living room, sit down, and the first person to say anything would have to do the dishes. They agreed and moved to the living room.
They sat down and stared at each other, not speaking a word. Everybody had their mouths closed. Nobody dared to speak. Silence filled the room.
There was a knock at the door. A few moments later, another knock. The man at the door saw the family through the window. He knocked again but nobody answered. He walked in.
"Hey, I knocked on your door but nobody said... Hey, food! Do you mind if I have some?" the stranger asked. Nobody said anything.
So he went to the table and started eating. He looked in the fridge and found some beer and asked if he could have some. Nobody said anything.
He drank three or four beers and got a little buzz. He walked into the living room and asked Dad if he minded if he had sex with his oldest daughter. Nobody said anything.
He took the girl in the bedroom and had sex with her.
Later, he was back at the supper table drinking more beer. He walked back into the living room and asked Dad if he could have sex with his youngest daughter. Nobody said anything.
He took her into the bedroom and had sex with her, too. Later, sitting at the table, after more beer, Mom started to look pretty good. He walked in and asked Dad if he minded if he had sex with his wife. Nobody said anything.
So he took Mom into the bedroom and had sex with her. When he was through he walked into the living room and stood in front of Dad.
"Hey, do you have any Vaseline?" he asked dad. And Dad said, "I'll wash the damn dishes."
129-
My sex life is so bad that when I called one of those phone sex lines, a voice came on and said, "Not tonight. I have an earache."
130-
"How about us spending a romantic weekend in a nice quiet hotel?" he whispered in the beautiful lady's ear.
"I'm afraid," she said, "that my awareness of your proclivities in the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes you from such erotic confrontation."
"Err..sorry...I don't get it?" he said.
"Exactly!!!" she replied.
131-
While purchasing some condoms, Johnny remarked with a smile,
"I'm giving my girl a birthday present tonight."
"Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a straight face, "would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?"
"That wouldn't make much sense," said Johnny. "They ARE the gift wrapping."
132-
The moon shone silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.
One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper,
"Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"
Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."
133-
While vacationing in the hills of Arkansas, the big city man discovered he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.
He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.
He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"
"Fer sure!" she giggled, "Unless I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"
134-
Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood, but were in their 90s when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days, there was no hanky panky before marriage, so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins. Needless to say, Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years.
However, Mildred was very apprehensive, as she had developed a heart condition, and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it. Chester is now sitting on the bed, wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy, he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.
When she reappears, in her red satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap down on her
nightie. She blushes as red as her gown. She's really concerned now, about telling Chester about her heart condition. In the meantime, Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother's. It is hanging there, down to her belly button, gravity having taken its course over ninety years.
He realizes her anxiety, but figures she is going have to be helped a little more. Now he pulls the second strap down, and the second breast unrolls downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She's going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she
says, "Chester, I have acute angina."
Chester says "I sure hope so. 'Cuz your tits look like hell!"
135-
A woman entered a pawn shop and asked to see a pistol. She then asked for some bullets. Loading the gun, she ordered the pawnbroker to empty out the cash register. But then she said, "I have an even greater urge. Get into the back room!" There she ordered him to disrobe and began having sex with him. She got so involved that she dropped the gun. "For God sakes, lady, pick it back up. My wife is due any time now!"
136-
Harry had proudly demonstrated his new ultra compact sports car to his date of the evening and had brought the little wonder to a halt on a lonely country road. After a considerable amount of amorous preliminaries, his girl coyly jumped out of the car and headed for a mossy bank nearby. Noticing that Harry wasn't following, she turned and said, "Hurry up and get out of the car before I get out of the mood." Harry struggled for a minute, then mournfully said, "Until I get out of the mood, I can't get out of the car!"
137-
A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fame and fortune. At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him. . "Who's the most powerful man in the room?"
"That would be Jerry, over there by the caviar," he says.
The young woman walks over to Jerry and says, "Excuse me, Jerry, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd like to talk to you."
Jerry and the girl step behind the column and she says, "Jerry... I'm gonna unzip your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best blowjob you ever had...!"
Jerry smiles slightly and says, "Well, okay. But...... what's in it for me?"
138-
The couple ended their date at her house. She invited the man in, since it was early.
As he sat down on the sofa she said, "Would you like to have a lil' drink ?"
He grinned and replied, "I'd like to have a little -- period."
"How very convenient." she mused. "'Cause that's exactly what I'm having."
139-
The Unofficial Guide to Cybersex
1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex please make sure your
spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance.) It really gets difficult explaining what you are doing undressing in front of the computer, drooling out of one corner of your mouth, moaning and groaning while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard.
2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on,
along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.
3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as, sweat pants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best wonderbra, (the one that has everything pulled up so high your bellybutton is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer. Although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer. It does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company.) As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.
4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor, there are many potential emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this
sordid affair with your 15" screen.
5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.
6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse, (kinda puts a western slant on things), hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though. Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that). That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!
7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped off line. That always works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out."
8. Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyberorgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)
9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, its proper etiquette to just bump yourself offline, or just say HUH? I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.
10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different. Until your next hot session....cyber on my friends.
140-
A couple has been dating for three months, and the sex is getting dull. One night they're lying in bed when the girl says, "Harry,
want to try something new? It's very kinky."
He says, "Sure."
She says, "Stand over me and take a shit on me."
He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.
She says, "Now lie in it on top of me and screw me."
He lies on top of her, with the shit oozing between them, and she gives him the wildest hump he's ever had.
The next time they're lying in bed, it's boring and she asks him to do it again. He stands over her and grinds out a huge turd onto her chest. Then he lies on her, and they have another incredible lay.
As time goes on, Harry really gets into it. He eats like a horse on the days before their dates, because it seems the more he craps on her, the better the sex is.
One Thursday night, he has the runs, so on Friday morning he eats a few cheese sandwiches and downs a whole bottle of Kaopectate before he goes to work, so he won't wheedle down his legs at the office.
That night, he goes to her house, they go in the bedroom and get undressed, she lies on the bed, he stands over her, and squats down, and grunts...but nothing comes out. He strains a bit, and grunts, and then llbbt!...a little fart...but nothing of any substance. For a few minutes, he's pushing and grunting, when suddenly he hears her crying.
He says, "Honey, what's wrong?"
She says, "You're seeing someone else, aren't you???"
141-
A guy gets on a bus and sits in the front seat. He spits on the floor and says "FUCK! What a driver!" After he does this a few times, the driver orders him off the bus.
Another guy gets off at the same time. The guy spits on the sidewalk and says "FUCK! What a driver!"
The second guy says, "I didn't think that guy was a bad driver. What's your problem with him?"
He says "I wasn't talking about the bus driver. When I was walking to the bus stop I saw a really ugly fat broad trying to park a pink 1979 Cadillac Eldorado convertible in a space that was about a foot longer than the car. I yelled at her 'Lady, if you can get that car into that space, I'll eat your snatch.' Ptui! Fuck! What a driver!"
142-
A guy's walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker.
He says, "How much?"
She says "Twenty bucks." He says, "All right."
They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her.
The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts.
When they get done, he hands her twenty-five dollars.
She says, "What's the extra five?"
He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."
143-
Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a
change of heart. "I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly.
"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed.
"I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."
144-
A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.
"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.
"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the arse."
145-
When I was single, I never was into the whole bar scene. I just wasn't very good at it. I never quite mastered the art of the "pick up line." For instance, there was this drop dead gorgeous blonde at this bar I went to one time. I screwed up my courage, walked over to her, and in my most suave voice said, "Hey, sexy girl, can I buy you a drink?"
She diverted her gaze towards me. Gorgeous blue eyes. Beautiful ruby-red lips. Breasts to die for. She licked her lips and said, "Tell me, do you like sex?"
Oh my. Better than I could have hoped for. "Yes, I love sex."
"Wonderful," she said, coming a little closer, "Do you like to travel?"
"Oh yeah. I love to travel."
"Good," she said, "then fuck off."
146-
An old man and an old woman are both in an old folks home and have not had sex in almost thirty years, they both quite fancy each other, and decide to have sex with one another.
The old man tells the old lady there is a day trip to Blackpool for the old folks on Wednesday, he suggests they should stay behind so they can get it on while the others are away.
When Wednesday comes round all the old folks leave on a bus and the old man makes his way round to the old ladies room.
As he enters the room he finds the old woman naked on the bed with her legs spread, the man races in to perform some well-needed cunnilingus on the woman.
After about 10 seconds the old man raises his head and tells the old woman he can't carry on as the smell is too bad.
The old woman slightly embarrassed by this and says "I'm sorry, the smell must be down to my Arthritis"
"Arthritis?" says the old man "How can arthritis cause such a bad smell?"
"It's my shoulders" says the old woman "I can't wipe my arse properly".
147-
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, Who here has ever seen a ghost?"
Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?"
About half the hands stay up. "OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?"
Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd.
"Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks.
"Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?"
The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said 'goat'."
148-
The citizens committee to clean up New York's porn-infested areas continued its series of rallies today, as a huge, throbbing, pulsating crowd sprang erect from nowhere and forced its way into the steaming nether regions surrounding the glistening, sweating intersection of Eighth Avenue and Forth-second Street. Thrusting, driving, pushing its way into the usually receptive neighbourhood, the excited throng, now grown to five times its original size rammed itself again and again and again into the quivering, perspiring, musty dankness, fluctuation between eager anticipation and trembling revulsion. Now suddenly the tumescent crowd and the irresistible area were one heaving, alternately melting and thawing turgid entity, ascending to heights heretofore unexperienced. Then with a gigantic, soul-searching, heart-stopping series of eruptions, it was over.
Afterwards the crowd had a cigarette and went home.
149-
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"
The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."
His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."
The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like wanking, only I got somebody to talk to."
150-
The clerk showed the fellow the store's most expensive perfume. "This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk. "It's £285 per ounce."
"Listen," the fellow shot back, "for £285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps; I want something called,
"You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You'll Get Some!"
151-
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that "...when you first get married, you want it all the time... and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year... maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Fuck You', and I holler back, 'Fuck you
too.'
152-
Sexual Dictionary
*Splintercourse*_: The sexual act in an outdoor setting (e.g., "I enjoyed having splintercourse with you on the picnic table at the Mile Marker 189 Rest Stop.")
*POTUS Interruptus*_: A sexual encounter prematurely ended when the Secret Service man assigned to you hollers that Hillary has returned. (POTUS = President of the United States.)
*Feastiality*_: Sexual food fetish. (e.g., "Man, did Kim Basinger have a feastiality problem in 9 1/2 weeks, or what?")
*Nophyllactic*_: A form of birth control. Unlike the prophyllactic's barrier method, the nophyllactic utilizes the word "no" to avoid conception.
*Bromo-sexual*_: Individuals who find sex nauseating. See also: "Women I've dated."
*Wargasm*_: Sexual release which immediately follows a marital fight (e.g., "I'm so sick of waking up every morning to find your bowl of Tosittohhhhhhhhhhhhs!")
*Frommage 'a Trois*_: Literally, this means either "grilled cheese sandwich," or "three-cheese omelette" but it has come to connote two same-sex individuals (the bread) and one opposite sex individual (the cheese).
*Toupalactic*_: A powerful birth control method which is based on the man wearing a wig so comical, sex is simply out of the question.
153-
Barry and Les meet in the office car park as they arrive for work.
Barry says "Crikey Les, that's a hell of a smile you're wearing today. What's the score?"
Les replies "Well, I went down to Kings Cross last night for a bit of fun and found myself a cracker of a young lady with a rather unusual speciality."
"Tell me more" says Barry.
"First she takes me back to her flat, where she whips out the old feller and wedges it into a hot-dog bun. Then she packs a couple of slices of meat around it, adds a bit of cheese, cucumber and pickles, and tops it off with a squirt of tomato sauce. Then she grabs it with both hands and slowly eats her way down from tip to balls. It was bloody fantastic."
"Jeez Les, that sounds great - I hope you kept her phone number?"
"No worries, mate - here it is."
Barry spends all day at work looking forward to the evening's fun; at five o'clock he's out the door like a ferret up a drainpipe.
Next morning, Les and Barry meet in the car park again, but Barry has a face like a wet weekend. Les asks "What's up, mate - couldn't you find her?"
"I found her, all right. She took me back to her place like you said, but tried something different. She plonks me todger in two wafer biscuits, then covers it in Neapolitan ice cream, some fruit salad, squirts fresh cream all over it, adds strawberry and chocolate sauce and tops it all off with a cherry."
"Blimey mate" says Les "That sounds even better than I got - so why the long face?"
"Well mate" replies Barry "It looked so good I ate it myself."
154-
A young guy has just taken delivery of his new sports convertible and is taking it for a spin down the back lanes. He finds himself in an area he hasn't been to before, and comes across a small country pub with a car park full of expensive sports cars. Thinking that a local owners club is holding a meeting, he decides to stop and perhaps make some
new friends.
Entering the pub, he is surprised to find that the place is empty. He goes over to the bar and after a short while a very attractive young lady, wearing a revealing dress, appears behind the counter and asks
him what he would like.
"I'll start with a pint of bitter. Actually, I was wondering where the owners of all those cars were" he says.
The girl replies "They all belong to me, as it happens."
"How on earth can you afford to own all those expensive cars" asks the guy.
"I won them all, by taking bets" she replies. "Would you like to try? If I win I get to keep your car; if you win, you can have your pick of any the sports cars outside."
"OK" he says "What do I have to do"
"You have to repeat three things that my young brother does; if you manage to copy him every time then you win."
"Sounds easy enough - I'll have a go."
The girl turns around and calls out "Jimmy, we've got another punter."
A little boy of about nine appears and waits expectantly.
"Right" says the young woman "Jimmy, put your hand down the front of my dress." The little boy does so, waits for a few seconds and then pulls his hand out again.
OK, sir, now your turn." The guy sticks his hand down the woman's cleavage and is pleased to find that she isn't wearing a bra.
"Rummage around as much as you like - take your time" she says.
The guy is only too happy to oblige, and after a minute or so withdraws his hand.
"You matched the first task, well done. Now Jimmy, put your hand up my skirt." Again, the boy does as he is told.
The guy can hardly believe his luck - when it's his turn he is pleasantly surprised to find that she isn't wearing any underwear. He makes sure he has a good feel and then reluctantly removes his hand
from her nether regions. What a fun way to win a sports car, he thinks.
"You matched that too, now for the final test. Jimmy, take out your little winky and bend it in half."
155-
Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.
At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."
156-
Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters.
About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?"
Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel.
Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's a nice motel. Can ve consummate our marriage?"
Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, the bus broke down. This time they were our in the
woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus.
Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the voods and do it."
Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said 'No'. Then, ve vere
by a motel and you said 'No'. But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it. Why?"
Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke down again, the fucking season vould be over."
157-
Quasimodo was lying in a crumpled heap at the foot of Notre Dame Cathedral, crying out: 'Esmeralda, Esmeralda!'
She came running down the steps. 'Quasimodo, what is it?' she asked.
He replied: 'When I asked you to toss me off, that wasn't quite what I meant.'
158-
John McCarthy and Jill Morell alone for the first time since his release
from terrorist captivity.
Jill: Can I do anything for you, John?
John: I forget what tits look like. Can I have a look?
Jill: Of course, anything else?
John: Can you take your drawers off so I can see your pussy?
Jill: Of course, anything else?
John: Can we have sex, now?
Jill: Of course, anything else?
John: Can I turn the light out?
Jill: Of course, anything else?
John: Can we do it on the floor?
Jill: Of course, anything else?
John: Can we do it doggy fashion?
Jill: Of course, anything else?
John: Yes ...... can I call you Terry?
159-
Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective dates of the previous evening, judging by their bedroom performance and conversation.
The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because she said, "Lie back and relax. This won't hurt a bit."
The second concluded that his must have been a schoolteacher, because she had said, "Do it over and over until you get it right."
The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess, because all she had said was, "Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally."
160-
A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging Jeff's shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso.
Jeff was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.
"You wanna wank?", she asked.
"You bet," came the excited reply.
"O.K.," she said, "I come back in ten minutes."
161-
Lady Lansdown was breakfasting at the Savoy, making a big fuss as usual.
"Now, young man", she demanded of the waiter, "Make sure my toast is crisp, my egg is soft but not runny, and I will not abide sausage with the mixed grill. One sight of sausage makes the short curly hairs on the back of my head stand on end."
"What a coincidence", replied the waiter. "One sight of short curly hairs makes my sausage stand on end."
162-
In the local cinema:
"Darling, the man next to me is masturbating", whispered the girl to her boyfriend.
"Ignore him, come on we'll move seats", came the reply.
"I can’t, he’s using my hand."
163-
A well dressed man went into a bar ordered a double whisky. He stood there sipping his drink when another man came up and said "Is that you Pete??"
Pete said "My name is Pete, but I don`t think I know you" The second man said "You do,
it's me, Martin, we used to work at the same factory together before it closed down"
Pete said "Now I remember you, but what happened to you? You are all in scruffy clothes. We got good redundancy money when we finished. What happened Martin??"
Martin said "I blew it all on cars women and drink. I'm totally broke now, but look at you Pete. All in the best clothes and I've seen your posh car outside. How did you do it??"
Pete said "Well I wanted to make my money work for me. So I thought if you have some money, London is the best place to do that.
And I knew there was always a market for sex so I bought a three storey house. On the first floor there was ordinary sex - just men and woman. On the second floor homo sex - you know, men shagging men- , and on the third floor paedophile sex for them who like shagging children. I must say I made a fortune.
Mind you it was hard work : just me, the wife and the kids."
164-
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic Sex'?"
She says, "What's that?"
He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."
165-
The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley.
The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local rundown farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.
By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend:
"And as for you Reggie you might at least stop while I'm talking !"
166-
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh, your a lawyer?"
He said, "Why yes I am!"
So they went to his place and when they were in bed screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"
167-
A guy is on a blind date that seems to be going well. After a few drinks they return to her place. They sit on the sofa
and start making out.
The guy nibbling her ear whispers, "I'd like a little pussy."
The girl pulls away looks deeply into his eyes and says, "Me too, mine's as big as a house!"
168-
A guy walks into a pub to meet his mates for a beer. They are amazed at how healthy he is looking. In particular he has fantastically good-looking smooth skin on his face with a totally radiant glow.
“Jim you are looking fit and healthy. Started a new diet?”
“Nope”, says Jim.
“So, you’ve joined a fitness club then?”
“Nope”, says Jim.
“But your face looks so fresh and healthy. Let us in on the secret Jim. What are you doing?”
“I’ve got a new girl friend”, says Jim.
“But how does that get you healthy looking smooth skin on your face?”
“Well” says Jim “My new girl friend has got the hairiest pussy I’ve every seen. In fact she’s like a wire brush down there!”
“So?” says the inquisitive mate.
“So, going down on her is the quickest way I know to exfoliate and moisturize your face at the same time!”
169-
John grew up on a remote dairy farm in Minnesota, and finally decided it was time to get some experience with women. So he drove the pick-up into the nearest city and managed to find a prostitute who was more than willing to initiate him into the mysteries of sex.
Undressing, the hooker lay down and proceeded to instruct him carefully.
"Stick it in, honey.....all the way......now pull it out..... okay, back in, slowly.........more, oooh, more......Now back again---"
"For Christ's sake," interrupted the sweating farm boy, "could you make up your mind??"
170-
The businessman spent a good half an hour in the hotel lounge bragging to the hooker about how big his dick was. Finally she suggested they retire to his room and check it out, and he willingly agreed.
The guy stripped off his clothes, jumped on top of the hooker, entered her, and said triumphantly, "Why don't you open your mouth, baby, so I can see the end of my prick?"
"Open my mouth?" scoffed the hooker. "Why don't you wiggle your ass so I can feel it?"
171-
Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more intimate correspondence.
After months of virtual kinky-ness, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small cafe. Bunny arrived a little late.
One customer, a short, frail man with an eye patch, sat at the back of the cafe. "Are you Bob?" asked Bunny. "Yes I am," said Bob.
"Unbelievable!" Bunny exclaimed. "You told me that you were tall, dark and handsome."
"How do you think I feel?" Bob asked, his face turning red. "You told me that you were skinny, blonde, and female."
172-
I was having a discussion with a female friend a while back when she claimed there are 69 positions. I felt that in fact there are only 68, and bet her £50, on condition that she prove it.
She accepted my bet, and we arranged to set aside the next weekend to settle the matter.
We warmed up in a 69, my favourite number, and then got down to serious business. We did it doggy style, we did it several ways in a chair, we did it standing up.
We spooned, we did it in full and half lotus, and we did the wheelbarrow. We had sex in ways I can't remember, and often we would return to 69 to re-lubricate. Late Sunday evening we had tried 66 positions, and my friend could not think of any more. She asked
me if I could think of any we'd missed, and being a gentleman I replied, "Well, there's head to toe."
She lay on the bed, legs slightly apart, and I got on top, taking a big toe in my mouth to add to her pleasure. Suddenly she remembered the airplane position, and told me to spin slowly like a propeller, maintaining penetration all the while. This eventually brought us into... the missionary position.
Best fifty quid I ever lost.
173-
A man staying at a hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a nearby phonebox. Back at the hotel he rings the number and a lady with a silky soft voice asks if she can be of assistance.
The guy says he wants a blow job + regular + doggie + some bondage and finishing with a pearl necklace, then asks her "what do you think?"
The lady says 'That sounds really good and I'd like to oblige but if you press 9 first you'll get an outside line.'
174-
What's the most important question to ask when you want to have safe sex?
What time will your husband get home?
175-
An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra and started feeling around.
"I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you keep doing that, I'll write you a cheque."
176-
A man had a big dance coming up but the problem was he didn't know how to dance. So he went to a dance studio. The instructor told him to pretend that there is a 10 cent piece on his right shoulder and that he must try to touch the coin with his earlobe in time to the music. So the guy went home and practiced this all week long.
The next week the instructor told him to do the same thing with his left shoulder.
The next lesson he was told to pretend that there was a 50 cent piece on his privates and he had to flip it into the air and catch it again.
The week before the dance he had his last lesson. This time the instructor told him to pretend to bounce a $1 coin on his butt.
The night of the dance came and he met a girl. They danced and danced and the whole time he was saying, "10 cents, 10 cents, 50 cents, a dollar." The girl was so impressed she asked the man to make love to her the same way that he danced.
So they got back to her house and went for it. "10 cents, 10 cents, 50 cents, a dollar. 10 cents, 10 cents... oh screw it, a dollar seventy, a dollar seventy, a dollar seventy..."
177-
One day, a bloke with no arms and no legs was on a beach sunning himself, when he saw three beautiful women approaching him.
The first lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Excuse me, have you ever been hugged before?" He replied, "No," and with that she gave him a big hug.
The second lady bent down and asked, "Have you ever been kissed before?" Again he replied, "No," and she gave a big, juicy kiss on the lips.
The third lady bent down and asked him, "Have you ever been fucked before?" For the third time he replied, "No," eyes alight. "Well you are now," she said. "The tide's coming in!"
178-
A man and woman meet in a bar and start to dance. She comments on how the man is a wonderful dancer. He says, not bad for a man with a wooden leg, eh? She says, yeah right, you don't have a wooden leg. Well watch. So he unscrewed his leg and proved it to her. Later, dropping her off at home he kisses her and she say's my you embrace me divinely. He says not bad for a man with a wooden arm, huh? They go inside and play cards with her parents. She say's, my you play a wonderful game of cards. He say's not bad for a guy with a wooden head eh? She say's you don't have a wooden head. He say's come into the next room and I'll show you. The parents waited quite a while but finally look and sure enough he was screwing his head off.
179-
Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests. The first man says he pulled this girl last week and they agreed to go back to his house and have sex. Once in the house the girl stripped off, lied down on the bed legs apart and panted,
"I want you to give me twelve inches and make me bleed."
The second man not for one moment believing his mate was that well hung asked what he did.
"Well" he says, "What could I do - I fucked her twice and smacked her in the face!"
180-
A guy sits down at the bar, orders a drink and holds his head in his hands. When the bartender comes back, the guy is swearing softly under his breath and shaking his head.
"Hey Bob, what's happening?" asks the bartender.
"I'm in DEEP SHIT," replies the customer. "I just got caught screwing my neighbour."
"Oh wow!" says the barman, "Who caught you? Your wife?"
"No said the customer, "HIS wife!"
181-
At a party Marvin cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear.
"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?"
Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch that stole my diary."
182-
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrist's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied.
"How much for all night?"
183-
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said "well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor".
"Well , what did he want to do?" They all asked.
She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much".
So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either".
"Finally I said, well how much do you have"?
The sailor said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand".
He agreed and after getting the finance straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand"
"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, it must have been huge, then what did you do?"
I loaned him $75!" she said.
184-
This guy is eating this girl out and stops doing it for a second and says "Damn this pussy's big." "Damn this pussy's big"
She looks at him and says "I know but why did you say it twice?"
He says, "I didn't"
185-
A woman walking past a shop sees an advert in the window.
"Good home wanted for clitoris licking frog."
She goes inside and says to the guy behind the counter, "I've come about the clitoris licking frog."
"Oui madame," the assistant says
186-
The traveller knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.
"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
187-
A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat.
Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked, "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?"
"Because you're jerking off my ice lolly!" he replied.
188-
A young man and his naive girlfriend were taking a leisurely stroll through the countryside when they happened across a great bull shagging the arse of this cow.
"What are they doing?" asked the young woman.
The man, not knowing what to say replied, "They're making pies, my dear."
They carry on walking, the girl seeming satisfied with the answer. A few miles further on they stumble across a great ram shagging a small sheep, "And what are they doing" asked the young woman again. To this the man replied, "They too are making pies.".
Again they carry on, and as they are walking the man spots a deserted barn. All this walking had made him incredibly randy and turning to his girlfriend he enquires as to whether she would like to make pies.
"Okay" she replies, and they disappear into the barn where the man shags his girlfriend for dear life. Having finished, they carry on walking back to town, after a while the girl suddenly turns to the man and says, "I think the pies are done."
The man is confused and enquires, "Why is that, dear?"
"Because the gravy has just run down my leg."
189-
An instructor was giving a course in human sexuality, during which he was discussing numerous items in the Kinsey
report.
Audible gasps could be heard when he read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.
Suddenly, a male voice from the back of the class shouted, "Wow, who was she?"
"Who the hell cares!" a female voice yelled. "Who was HE?"
190-
A bloke and his missus were talking about the position they were going to try that night.
"Tonight," said the bloke, "we're gonna lie back to back."
"That wouldn't be much fun," said the wife.
"Sure it will," replied the husband. "I've invited Bridget and John over to stay the night!"
191-
A guy goes to see this hooker who is said to have the world's biggest pussy. He starts fucking her but she's WAY too big and he's getting no satisfaction, so he slides his whole body inside her and tries to get off, but he falls in. He's groping around in the dark and he lights his lighter and starts walking around. After a while he drops the lighter by accident and starts crawling around looking for it.
He bumps into another guy. "Hey" he says, "You're lost in here too, eh? Listen, if we can find my lighter, we can walk out of here."
"Hell," says the other guy, "If we find my car we can drive out of here!"
192-
"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says.
"What seems to be the problem?"
"My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?"
"Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?"
"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!"
"Er ... Why don't you take a lover?"
"I have! I still don't get enough."
"Take another lover."
"I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!"
"Gosh, that's an anomaly."
"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!"
193-
Abe went to a brothel and told the madam, "I want a girl with big boobs and a small box."
"Why?" she asked him.
"Never mind!" replied Abe. "I`m paying for it. I want a girl with big tits and a small
cooze!"
"No problem," said the madam. "Go straight up the stairs to room 23."
A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, and a young woman walked in.
"Okay," she said, "are you the guy with the big mouth and the small pecker?"
194-
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex." Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: [logged off]
195-
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 387 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 22 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 192 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 112 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 178 Calories
69 standing up......................... 312 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 386 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 400 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 972 Calories
ORGASM
Real................................... 112 Calories
Fake.................................. 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories
196-
A young woman was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, didn't want her grandmother to know. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young woman.
The police had the all the prostitutes line up in a straight line on the sidewalk, just as grandma was passing by. As soon as she noticed her granddaughter, she stopped and asked her what she was lining up for.
Not wanting her grandmother to know the truth, the granddaughter told grandma that someone was passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some.
"That sounds good. I think I'll have some too," Grandma said, as she made her way to the back of the line.
A policeman went down the line, questioning all the prostitutes, until he reached grandma. Looking very bewildered, he said to her, "You're so old, how do you do it?"
"It's easy," replied Grandma. "I just remove my dentures and suck them dry!"
197-
A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?" "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."
198-
A girl saw an attractive man in a bar. She sat next to him, ordered a drink and introduced herself. They became friendly and she invited him home.
When they arrived she gave him a drink, turned on the TV and went to get into "something more comfortable."
She came out in a flimsy negligee, paraded back and forth and announced, "Paris,
1999."
He smiled and continued watching TV.
She went back, changed into a topless bathing suit and announced, "San Francisco,
2001."
Again he smiled and continued watching TV.
This time she went to extremes, she came out wearing shoes and nothing else and announced, "Here and now,
2003."
There were still no results.
She screamed, "What's the matter with you anyway?"
The man jumped up, jerked his pants down and said, "Lawnmower, 1996!"
199-
Every time the salesman travelled to New York City, he always stayed at the same hotel, because the bellboy always managed
to fix him up with the best call girls in town.
The salesman checks in. Unfortunately, the bellboy forgot that he the salesman was arriving, and all the call girls are across town and busy. The bellboy runs out and buys a rubber
blow-up doll, hoping the salesman will be drunk enough not to know the difference.
Sure enough, the salesman rolls in at midnight, drunk as a skunk. The bellboy helps him up to the room and puts him to bed next to the rubber
blow-up doll.
The next morning, the salesman comes down and hands the bellboy the usual 100 buck tip.
The bellboy asks, "Was the company to your liking sir?"
The salesman responds, "Son, that was the weirdest girl I've ever been with."
"How so?"
"Well," the salesman says, "I took off all my clothes. Then I rolled over on top of her. Then I gave her neck a little
bitty bite."
"What happened then?" the bellboy asks.
The salesman says, "Damn girl farted and flew out the window."
200-
The two housewives were drinking coffee together. "On my way over here," said Louise, "I developed an awful headache. Do you have any good remedies?"
Her friend Martha responded: "When I get a headache, my husband is the best remedy. He rubs my shoulders, then the back of my neck, caresses my breasts while kissing my tummy, and... Well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all he's soothed the pain away. You should try it!"
"I'd love to," her friend replied. "What time does your husband get home?"
201-
Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy. Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they're like."
"Okay," said his buddy.
"Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blow-job. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels."
"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime."
202-
The young man goes into a bar and picks up a tall woman.
After a night of drinking and dancing they go back to his place.
She unzips his fly and starts playing with his dick.
"Wow," he says, "you handle my penis so well...."
"I should," she replies, "I used to have one just like it ... only longer!"
203-
A jumbo jet is on finals, coming into the Toronto Airport. The pilot, Jack, addresses the passengers: "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto". But he forgets to switch off the intercom. Now every passenger can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to Jack: "Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?" All ears are listening to their conversation. "Well" says Jack: "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the big boobs. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room, then 69 her." Everyone on the plane is now trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the place where she can turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. Right by her head, the little old lady leans over and says: "No need to rush dear, he's gotta take a crap first."
204-
To the Management,
I, Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
Dear Mr Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the
administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start
working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct
protective clothing.
You will retire well before age 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned
task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work
place carrying two suspicious-looking bags which are full when you enter and empty when
you leave... very odd.
Sincerely,
The Management
205-
The farmer's neglected wife steps behind the barn and sees the young hired hand taking a piss.
She stares in disbelief at his huge apparatus and says, "Boy, I'd sure like to have some of THAT!"
He says, "Well, you'd best run get you a cup. I'm 'bout through."
206-
A small aircraft crash lands in the middle of the desert and the pilot and
co-pilot wandered around for days and days with nothing to eat. Finally the co-pilot announced: "I'm so hungry, I'm going to chop off my dick and eat it."
"NO, no, don't do that," the pilot urged. "Just think of your girlfriend."
"What's the point?" the other man said. "At this rate I will never see her again anyway."
"I don't mean it like that," the pilot replied. "It's just that if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for the both of us."
207-
Two prostitutes are standing on a street corner, one says to the other "I think it's gonna be a good night tonight, I can smell cock in the air!"
"Sorry" says the other, "I just burped!"
208-
Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack. Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmer's wife and their daughter Mabel.
One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become aroused for the first time and, shocked, ran to find the farmer to explain this strange phenomena.
Upon finding the farmer he proceeded to drop his trousers and whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the farmer.
"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"
"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.
"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."
"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.
"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick. It'll go down quick smart, trust me."
The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and saw the farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked up two
handfuls of shit. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.
"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.
"Well," Jack replied,"I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to make it go down."
"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"
So he did. Both handfuls.
209-
Bert met Claudia in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. After they'd had quite a few, they hit it off pretty good and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some "extracurricular" activity.
Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, even only half sober, Bert noticed that Claudia's toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out.
When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, "I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out."
Claudia, also half drunk, looked at him and smiled. "Yeah. That usually happens when someone forgets to remove my pantyhose."
210-
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman.
It's got to be hot.
You've got to take your time.
You've got to stir... gently, and firmly.
You've got to grind your beans until they squeak.
And then you put in the milk.
211-
There was this starlet from Norway in bed with her lover one afternoon in Oslo in the middle of winter. she hears the front door opening and she turns in bed to her lover and says “my husband has come home from work earlier than expected, you've gotta disappear quick".
The lover gets our of bed, naked of course, and looks for the wardrobe - only Scandinavian furniture, nowhere to hide...desperate as the husband comes up the stairs, the lover jumps out of the window.
He finds himself naked in the street in the snow in the middle of the Oslo cross country skiing marathon - 3000 cross country
skiers. what can he do? - the husband has seen him jumping out the window and is coming after him...he starts cross country skiing with the other 3000 competitors.
A couple of miles later the guy doing the Oslo cross country skiing marathon next to him asks politely, "do you always do the Oslo cross country skiing marathon stark naked with no skis like that?"
The lover replies "yes, I'm Norwegian, it's much better for the health"
A couple of miles later the guy skiing next to him says "what about the condom?"
The lover looks down at his condom adorned penis, looks up to the sky and replies "oh, stopped snowing has it?"
212-
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?"
She says, "What's that?"
He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."
213-
A Scottish couple was walking across the meadows. The girl looked at the guy and shyly asked, "Would you like to hold my hand?"
"Uh...well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"
She said, "By the gleam in your eye."
They walked a little further and the girl said, "Would you like to kiss me?"
"Oh, my yes!" replied the boy, "But how did you know?"
She said, "By the gleam in your eye."
As they got to the stream, they sat on a stump; the girl looked at the boy and asked, "Would you like to go all the way with me?"
"Well, oh, my gosh, yes! (gulp) Yes! But how did you know? By the gleam in my eye?"
"No," replied the girl, "by the TILT IN YOUR KILT."
214-
Two old maids played poker with Peter every Tuesday evening. It was Peter's turn to have the game at his house, but his furniture was out being re-upholstered, and they had no chairs. They decided to solve the problem by sitting cross legged on the floor and putting newspaper on their laps to hold the cards.
After playing awhile, the first old maid saw Peter's pecker peeking through the paper. She excused herself and went to the bathroom.
The second old maid then saw Peter's pecker peeking through the paper and she followed the first one. She walked into the bathroom and saw the first old maid sitting on the toilet.
The second old maid said "Did you see Peter's pecker peeking through the paper while we were playing poker?"
The first old maid replied, "Yes, I saw Peter's pecker peeking through the paper while we were playing poker, but don't mention it because it makes my pussy pucker and I can't pee!!"
215-
A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the centre of the road, making wild and passionate love.
In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realised that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"
Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
216-
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk:
"Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do".
"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
217-
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
218-
A date for your diary
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. The secret...the guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially: "Steak & Blowjob Day." Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so you ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That's it. This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine. The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
219
The madam had assembled some of her girls for the men in town for the pharmacists' convention. "This is Dolores," she smiled, "for $250 I can promise you an exciting evening starting with a hot tub."
"And this is Connie, available for $375. She's rigged an Oriental Swing in her room.
Now lovely Maria," she continued "can be yours for both straight and kinky sex, including bondage. She's yours for the
night for only $300."
"And if you take a fancy to tantalizing Jenny here, why she can..."
"Just a minute." interrupted one of the druggists.
"Don't you have any generic sluts?"
220-
I have a royal penis. At the moment it is at a loose end, on the dole and living on hand-outs.
It is looking for a royal partner.
To save time, and cut out the bullshit, please answer the following questions.
Do you fuck on first dates ?
Does your father own a brewery ?
Can I grope your tits ?
Or, will you just show them to me ?
Do you find anal sex a pain in the arse ?
Do you prefer hot chilli sauce to KY jelly ?
Do you give head often ?
If the answer is 'no' to any of the above questions please be a good sport and refer me to your sister, your mother, or a girlfriend who can be more positive in her approach to my royal requirements.
221-
Once,at
the local barn dance, me mate Jethro warned me off from chatting up this
gorgeous totty, boobs 'alf out & knickers showing. Told me she was a lesbine.
"Wos one o them" I asked.
"Well Denzil, thas someone who likes to kiss gals & play with their
fanny" says Jethro, a bit peeved at my iggorance
"In that case then, I reckon I'm a lesbine too" says I.
222-
Advantages/Disadvantages of Having a Threesome
Advantages
1. It can get really weird
2. Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings
3. There's always a hand or mouth free when you need one
4. Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $13
5. You get to watch your best friends making love
6. You get to get watched making love
7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be experienced to be believed
8. You get strange looks when you all go out dancing
9. You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison shopping for condoms
10. Enough people to play gin rummy if things don't work out
11. You can safely check yourself for any homosexual tendencies without actually doing anything about it
12. Calling out the wrong name during climax isn't as much of a problem, the "wrong name" is probably the one on your left
13. Three-person showers are fantastic
14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better
15. Three-person kisses are best
Disadvantages
1. It can get really weird
2. Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings
3. Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off
4. You may harbour paranoid thoughts that while you're in the bathroom; the other two are giggling over the pimple on your butt
5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows
6. You get to find out what kind of really sick things your friends like
7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember them
8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your notebooks
9. Morning breath multiplied by 3
10. You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn't suspect or want
11. You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your friends you didn't suspect or want
12. You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of relationships
13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple
14. Sorting clothes quickly when the boyfriend/spouse walks in assumes comical proportions
15. Now there are two wet spots to avoid.
223-
Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.
224-
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
225-
A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London.
He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties. He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"
She says, "It's me lower mouth."
He says, "What do you mean, `your lower mouth'?"
She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache...it's got lips..."
He says, "Has it got a tongue in it?"
She says, "Not always.
226-
Jenny: "I just love hot steamy sex."
Debbie: "Me too."
Jenny: "Do you and Marc still have that kind of sex after all these years?"
Debbie: "Sure. Just not with each other."
227-
Rob and Jill are driving into town in his new BMW to get more beer and Jill's blowing him on the way.
Suddenly, Jill pulls her head up and says "yur pashinit".
Rob grins and pushes her head back down.
Again she yanks her head back up and says "yur pashinit".
"I know, I know" Rob says - "I'm very romantic, eh!"
"NO, NO", Jill says, "yur pashinit... the beer store's back there..."
228-
Three sailors were getting shore leave after being out on the ship for six months. They all went out to the local bars drinking and planned on going to a brothel later that night.
After arriving at the brothel, they saw a sign hanging on the wall. On it was the deal for the week; $50, $75 and $100.
The first sailor spent a lot of his money drinking and only had $50. He told the other two guys he would try it and come back and tell them how it was. He came back out of the room after 20 minutes. He told the other two guys about the experience. "I got in the room and she took my pants down and got it up. Then she put some whipped cream and some crushed nuts on it and she ate it all off. It was great."
The second sailor didn't drink as much and had $75. He came back out of the room 45 minutes later sweating. "Man, she got my pants down and then she got it up, she put whipped cream and some chocolate sauce and some sprinkles. Then she ate it all off."
The third sailor did not drink and had the $100. He came back out of the room after about an hour, crawling down the hallway sweating and shaking. The other two guys ask what had happened.
"Holy shit. She took my pants down and she got it up, then she put on some whipped cream, some crushed nuts, more whipped cream, some pineapple slices, some more whipped cream and a big cherry on top. You know the damn thing looked so good I ate it myself."
229-
Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past. The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba's last date:
"You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type, " Faba declared.
"What's that? What's do you mean intellectual type?" Mujo asked with curiosity.
"Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and intelligent," explained Faba to her friend.
Mujo giggles, and asked, "So, how was it?"
"First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And then he took me out for a drive. After all that, he took me to his house. He began an intellectual conversation. And finally, he took out his penis."
"What is this word, 'penis'," Mujo asked, unfamiliar with the clinical terminology.
"Oh, it is what intellectuals have. It looks like a dick, just much smaller !"
230-
WHEN YOU'RE CHEATING AND WHEN YOU'RE NOT
Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.
1. Oral Sex does not count.
2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day, doesn't count
3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn't count
4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count
5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share
6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for this", doesn't count
7. An old flame, doesn't count
8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count ,refer to this as a "pity fuck"
9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex...not cheating
10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation
11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex
12. Kissing body parts is not cheating
13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other
14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count
15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet "...not cheating
16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it was public right?)
17. Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified masturbation"
18. In car, doesn't count, way to cramped, if vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way to kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1
19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count.
20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count
21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count (not considered to be intimate)...not cheating
22. Any act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count
23. An act committed with your next door neighbour, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "being
neighbourly"
24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn't count
25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count, this should be considered " getting
acquainted ".
26. An act with a US President , doesn't count, unless the Senate votes impeachment.
27. Any act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.
SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!
231-
Did I ever tell you about the worst blow job I ever had?
It was great.
232-
A guy is walking down the street, sees a beautiful woman with a very short skirt, approaches her and says, "My god, you're hot!!! With that look, I've GOT to make it with you! I can't help myself, and no matter what, I've GOT to have you!"
The woman is very shocked and asks him, "What!? HERE? In the middle of the street!?"
The guy answers, "I've got to have you now! So I'll make you an offer. I'll drop $500 on the sidewalk and, while you're picking it up, I will do everything I want. OK?"
The lady seems to be in intense thought. Then she calls her friend. She tells her friend the story, looking for some advice. The friend says, "It's no big problem. When he drops the money, you pick up the $500 fast, and he won't even have time to get his fireman out of his pants before you finish picking it up. Just take the money and run!"
The next day, the friend sees the woman walking like an old woman. The friend asks, "What happened to you!?"
The woman answers nervously, "That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 in quarters!"
233-
Sex is like a bank account. You put it in - fine........
You take it out, you lose interest
234-
Mary: I don't know why people are always complaining about their sex lives after they marry. Married people can have terrific sex lives.
Jill: Really?
Mary: Of course! Just not necessarily with their spouses!
235-
I Will Survive
At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches , Lord I almost died,
But I'd spent oh so many yrs just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong,
And I knew that I could take you on. . .
But there you are,
Another lie,
I was ready for a big mac and you've bought me a French fry,
I should have known that it was bullshit,
Just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans.
Go on now go,
Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4,
Weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't catch you out,
Don't you know we' re only joking when we say size doesn't count.
(Chorus)
I will survive, I will survive,
Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex with a handful of latex,
I will survive, I will survive. . .hey . hey
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud,
But to hell with all your ego's and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin for a cordless multispeed,
Go on now go,
Just make a dash,
Last time I saw a prick that small was watching Gladstone
run nude hash,
I should have asked for confirmation,
Should have asked for referees,
Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee winky thing at me.
Go on now go,
Just hit the track,
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers,
Cos I'll always throw them back,
The only thing that I could do with a prick as small as yours,
Is to stick it with a tooth pick
Dip it in tomato sauce.
(Chorus)
Go on now go,
Get out of my sight,
I'm going back to my appliance,
Cos I know it's length is right,
And if I ever see your tiny tockley at my door,
You'll be counting up your inches as you pick them off the floor.
Go on now Go!
236-
Prostitute to man: "Hi, want to have sex?"
Man to prostitute: "Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does."
Prostitute: "I can do it in any way. So how does she do it?"
Man: "She does it for free."
237-
The old Admiral goes into a bar and meets a Prostitute.
After a few drinks she invites him back to her place, which is up several flights of stairs.
Finally, puffing and panting, he is in her bedroom and they get down to 'doing the business'. He says to her, 'How am I doing My Dear, How am I doing?
She says, You're doing three knots Admiral. He says, 'What do you mean My Dear' - What do you mean?
She says. 'You're not hard, You're not in and You're not getting Your money back!
238-
John split with his new girlfriend when she told him she was bisexual.
“That’s no good to me. I need sex more than once every 2 years”
239-
It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up who.
240-
The couple had split-up a few months ago but still remained good friends, which worked out nicely since they lived in the same apartment building.
One day the man slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met his ex in the elevator and she asked if there was anything
she could do to help.
He said, "Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"
She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.
"Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look, it still recognizes me."
241-
A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life. Satiated, the man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?" The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation.
Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same treatment, and he is again given two hundred dollars.
The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam, she asks him for three hundred dollars.
"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?"
The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed."
242-
John pays a visit to a gorgeous young prostitute.
After two hours of exhausting great sex he says:
'Now you won't see me for a while'.
The prostitute regrets to see a good customer leave and asks: 'Are you too busy next week to pay me a visit?'.
'No sweety, that's not what I mean. Please turn around...'
243-
A 30-year-old man and woman are lying in bed after making love.
The woman lays on her side of the bed and rests.
The man goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The woman overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait and give the woman I love my virginity."
Astounded, the woman replies, "So you really love me?"
"No," the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."
244-
A man enters a large lady, and
she says
"You only have a small Organ"
To which he replies "Yes, but it's never played in a Cathedral before"
245-
Doug walks out of a whorehouse and sits down on a park bench, deep in thought.
"Man!" he says to himself. "What a business! They've got it. They sell it. And they've still got it!"
246-
Allen was feeling particularly horny so he went to a whore on the street and asked, "How much do you charge?"
The whore said, "100 bucks for the evening."
Allen said "Well, if I pay you 100 bucks, you will have to do it under my rules."
The whore said, "That's fine."
So Allen took her home and told her that they would close all the blinds and do it in the pitch dark.
The whore turned to him and said, "Honey, its your money, so whatever you want is fine."
They had sex, and Allen told her to wait 10 minutes before they were to do it again. Then 10 minutes later, they did it again. After 6 times, he seemed to be getting stronger and stronger.
"Allen, you are the best lover I have ever had," she said.
Then the man said, "Lady, my name is Jake, Allen is outside selling your ass to all his friends for 50 bucks a pop."
247-
A carpenter gets called to do some work at the local house of ill repute. The madam of the house explains that she wants him to build a partition to divide one of the larger rooms into two smaller rooms.
The carpenter spends all day building the partition and when he's done he gives the madam a bill for $300.
The madam smiles and says, "We usually pay all our bills around her in trade."
"Sorry ma'am" replies the carpenter, "it's $300 cash or this partition comes out."
"But you can have some fun with any girl here," explains the madam. "That's worth more than $300."
"Sorry ma'am," replies the carpenter, 'it's $300 cash or this partition comes out."
"But my girls can fulfill your every desire. Choose any girl you like."
The carpenter thinks a while and then says, "You said any girl I want. Does that include you?"
The madam smiles seductively, "Why yes of course" and she starts to disrobe. Once she is naked on the bed the carpenter slowly and gently inserts his thumb deep into her 'front opening'. She sighs and moans with pleasure.
Then the carpenter carefully inserts his middle finger deep into her 'rear opening'. The madam is writhing in ecstasy.
Then the carpenter suddenly clamps his thumb and finger together and says, "Like I was saying, it's $300 cash or this partition comes out!"
248-
If a round peg fits into a round hole, and a square peg fits into a square hole, then why isn't the end of your dick shaped like an axe?
249-
One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse. The next morning the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!" The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"
250-
The call girl confided to her friend, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to give up analysis."
"But why? Isn't Dr. Greene helping you?"
"Yes, a lot," the call girl agreed. "Problem is, I just can't get used to lying down for a guy and then having him give me the bill."
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