Religion 2
201-
One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him a wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was
wrong.
"Well" the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?"
"No," said the other.
"Well" said the first, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time,"
"Oh," said the other, "so, what happened."
"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife'? asked the first.
"Yes" said the second.
"Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was ' I now sentence you to death.'
202-
A minister was asked by a politician, "Name something the government can do to help the church", the minister replied, "Quit making one dollar bills."
203-
An English sage goes to God, and says "Lord we need to learn the meaning of patience, the meaning of eternity, how to sit for hours and not feel guilty."
And God says "Certainly my son, here you are, the rules for cricket".
204-
What would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three
Wise Men ?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical
gifts. But what would they have said as they left...?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin, my arse! I knew her in school !"
"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in there!"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish back?"
205-
Bill Gates dies.
"Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that infernal Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"
"Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"
Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, laying in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!!
Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"
To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went.
Up in Heaven, Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.
Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."
"As you desire," said God.....
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going.
He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How ya doin,' Bill?" asked God.
Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I
expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver!"
206-
Jesus, Peter & John are up in heaven looking down at earth on their day off and they decide that they would like to visit Kings Cross to see what all the fuss is about. When they get there they ask someone where the nearest brothel is.
They find the brothel and go in. After negotiation with the madam they arrange to meet back up 1 hour later.
An hour later and John sees Peter. "Oh man that was just unbelievable. I have just had the most wonderful experience of my life".
"So have I", says Peter. As he was about to carry on they see Jesus moping along the corridor. "What's the matter boss?", they ask.
"Well", says JC " I undid her dress and it fell to the floor, then I undid her bra and her pert little breasts stood out and then I pulled off her pants and she had the most beautiful little beaver that had been shaved to the shape of a heart. I then lowered my hand to touch her down below and bugger me it fuckin' healed
up"
207-
This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a delivery man for UPS.
Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."
208-
Q. Why was Christ crucified?
A. Because if he was drowned Catholics would have to hang an aquarium above their door.
209-
A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The chief abbot tells him to clean all the windows except the top three, so the window cleaner cleans all the windows for years and years until curiosity gets the better of him and he puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows, he looks in and sees 12 monks with there robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in, there is this beautiful woman and a monk in bed fucking like mad. The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window, he look in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.
He goes down the ladder, and when he gets to the bottom the Chief Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, "Look, I know your going to sack me, but please, at least tell me what is going on."
"Well says the Abbot, "in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk, where ever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize."
"But what about the third window?" the window cleaner asks.
"Well," says the Abbot, "that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin."
210-
Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses "I want to do
a miracle so we can feel like the good old days." and Moses says "Yeah sure."
So Jesus gets up and says "I think I'll walk on the water, that was always a good one."
So Jesus walks over to the edge of the boat, steps into the water, and sinks like a stone.
Moses drags Jesus back into the boat and revives him.
Moses then says "What's the problem?" and Jesus says, "I think its the holes in my feet!"
211-
A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters". They reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, "Good morning Brother."
The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
The priest was very confused at this and goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father."
The priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..."
The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?"
The priest realised his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want."
The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"
212-
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And he said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years"
213-
Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."
Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests."
Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else."
In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this."
Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you."
Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music."
Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 "Our Father's" and 5 "Hail Mary's" and you will be absolved of your sin.
A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."
"WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement??"
Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."
214
One day while the Pope was eating his breakfast, one of his assistants came running up to him.
Out of breath, he panted, "I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"
The Pope, being good-natured and all, replied, "If I hear something good and of value, I think I could take anything that's bad. So, let me hear the good news first."
The assistant then says, "OK, here goes. The good news is God is on the phone for you!"
"Great, I've been waiting to talk to him for years!" the pope exclaims excitedly. Then the Pope inquired, "If God is on the phone, what possibly could be the bad news?"
"Well," the assistant stammered, "He's calling from Salt Lake City."
215-
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of> one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!"
216-
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above:
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
217-
A young priest is on his way to his new parish for the first time. As he approaches the town he sees a man in a field shagging a
sheep. A few miles down the road he saw another man out in the fields frenziedly bonking a sheep. Appalled at having witnessed a second case of bestiality in less than an hour, he whispered several prayers, crosses himself fervently, and drove on.
Finally, on the outskirts of town, he caught sight of a man leaning against a tree and masturbating enthusiastically. The young priest, then and there decided grimly on the topic of his first sermon.
"As I approached this fair town," he began that Sunday, "I witnessed three abominations. First, on the roadside a man committing an unnatural act with a sheep. Shortly thereafter was another man in a field committing the same unnatural act with another sheep! And third, at the very outskirts of this town, a man was committing an unnatural act with himself!"
A voice spoke up from somewhere in the congregation, "Aye, that'll be old Paddy Fitzpatrick. He never could catch a sheep!"
218-
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
219-
There was a big earthquake centred on the Monastery. It was destroyed and all 50 of the monks there were killed.
When they all arrived at the gates of Heaven they were met by St Peter.
"To save time" he said "we'll do the entrance exam en masse". "Right, now hands up those of you who have played around with little boys?".
Forty-nine hands were raised.
"Okay" said St Peter, "you all can all go down to Hell - and take that deaf bastard with you".
220-
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are:
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room women say, "My God..."
221-
Mrs. Donovon was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty.
The Father said: "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan & didn't I marry ye & yer husband 2 years ago?"
She replied: "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked: "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied: "No, not yet, Father."
So the Father said: "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week & I'll light one little candle for ye & yer husband."
She replied: "Oh, thank ye, Father."
They parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked: "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied: "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked: "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied: "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins & 4 singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said: "That's wonderful!" And how is yer loving husband doing?" She replied: "Oi've not seen 'im in a while. 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer
eff'in' little candle!"
222-
Mother Superior calls all her sisters into the Refectory.
"Sisters it seems we have a case of Gonorrhoea here."
Little nun at the back shouts: "Thank God for that - I'm sick of Chardonnay."
223-
Following a successful rally, the evangelist was relaxing in his trailer, when there was a knock at the door. "Come in," he said.
A young maiden, truly beautiful, threw herself at his feet and said, "Reverend, I have nothing to give but my body."
The preacher looked skyward, "Lord, deliver me from temptation."
And then following a long pause, he began unbuttoning his shirt, and added, "In about an hour or so."
224-
A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Mich U in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop."
One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a 7 day experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it......
It's now 7 days later and they're all together to discuss the experience. Father
O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages goes first.
"Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a
bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre
Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me
aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he becam as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und
confierrmation."
Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an
I.V. drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims, "WELL brothers....you KNOW that we don't sprinkle.... WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to
rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you you
sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's
HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi who's lying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast & traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looks up and says
"Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."
225-
Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn’t want to miss a single one of his words. One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah. Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi’s sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back.
When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to football.
Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi’s sermon.
The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi’s pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines.
This was believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial
insermonation."
226-
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee". The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it and besides it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, where indeed it does say... "HEBREWS"
227-
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile
said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled: "His wife's here with his lunch."
228-
Letter to a synagogue secretary
Dear Sir,
We have a proposition to make. A recent survey - ‘What makes the perfect Rabbi?’ showed that: -
the perfect Rabbi’s sermons last exactly fifteen minutes
the perfect Rabbi condemns sin but at same time never upsets anyone
the perfect Rabbi works from 8am until midnight and is also synagogue handyman
the perfect Rabbi makes £250pw, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car and gives about £250pw to the poor and needy
the perfect Rabbi has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens
the perfect Rabbi smiles all the time but with a straight face because he has a sense of humour that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work
the perfect Rabbi makes 15 calls daily to congregation families and the hospitalised, and is always in his office when needed.
If your Rabbi does not measure up to the above, simply send this letter to 6 other synagogues that are also tired of their Rabbi. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of your list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure. One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks.
Yours faithfully
229-
Many Christians believe in the virgin birth.
Jews think, "Come on Joseph, bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her and now you want to blame God. Here, take the number of my psychoanalyst. He might be able to help you."
230-
A Rabbi, a minister and a priest, played cards every Wednesday for small stakes, but their problem was that they lived in a ‘no gambling allowed’ town. One day, the sheriff raided their game and took them before the judge.
After hearing the sheriff's story, the judge asked the priest, "Were you gambling, Father?"
The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me," and then replied aloud, "No, your honour, I was not gambling."
"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge then asked the minister.
The minister replied, "No, your honour, I was not."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked, "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"
The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"
231-
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
232-
Three priests are chatting when the first priest says he's going to give up red meat for lent.
The second priest thinks for a minute and says he's going to give up sweets for Lent.
The third priest's attention had wandered to a passing woman wearing 4 inch heels and a tiny skirt when the first priest asks him what he was going to give up for lent.
After regaining control of himself he returns to the conversation and replies, 'Celibacy.'
233-
A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."
About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.
"Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."
"And what was that, my son?"
"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest.
"Did you take my advice?"
"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."
"What's that, my son?"
"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"
234-
Three Scientists were talking to God, "Hey God we don't need you anymore we can make Man ourselves."
God said "Oh really,"
The scientists replied, "Yeah, as a matter of fact why don't we have a contest who can make a man faster, you or us?"
So God said "O.K".
The scientist went back to his friends and told them "We are going to have a contest with God to see who can make a man faster, Him or us."
The first scientist went outside to get started and scooped up a big pile of dirt. Just then a bolt of lightning struck the ground near the man making him drop the pile of dirt.
Looking up at God he said "What was that for?!"
God replied, "Get your own dirt!"
235-
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20-room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of
Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls
Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?"
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
236-
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no.
He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father".
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, look at that fucker!"
Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a fucker!"
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big fucker"
Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker. and we could have it for dinner."
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother.
Bishop: "Could you cook this fucker. for dinner tonight?"
Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a fucker! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that fucker. tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the fucker!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the fucker!"
Head Mother: "And I cooked the fucker!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a spliff, pours himself a large whiskey and says, "You know, you cunts are alright."
237-
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there and was having a bad day since
heaven was getting crowded When they get to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they
each will have to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?". St. Peter lets him through the gate.
St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into
heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guesses: "1228" "That happens to be right; go ahead."
St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."
238-
Osama Bin Laden is finally rubbed out and arrives in Heaven. He is surprised that there are not 72 virgins waiting for him and even more surprised to be met by St Peter.
St Peter: Welcome Osama. We've been waiting for you and it is good to see you. Now before anything else, is there anything I can do for you?
OBL: Well, would it be possible to see Mohamed?
St Peter: You want to see Mohamed? Well, I'm sure that would be possible, but first I must register you. There now.
OBL: Will it be possible to see Mohamed now?
St Peter: It shouldn't be a problem, but first, I must just take you to meet God; he's been looking forward to seeing you.
So St Peter takes OBL off to God.
God: My dear boy, how good to see you! I began to think you were never coming. Did you have a good journey? Has St Peter shown you around?
OBL: Yes, everything is fine but there is just one thing. Could I see Mohamed?
God: You want to see Mohamed? Of course, dear boy. Tell me, would you like a coffee?
OBL: That would be very nice.
God goes to the door, opens it and shouts: 'Yo, Mohamed, two coffees, please.'
239-
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near Death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model God did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here (Please check all that apply):
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? (Please check all that apply.)
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? (Please check all that apply.)
__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________
6. Have you ever worshipped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Ronald Reagan
___ A burning cabbage
___ mushrooms
___ Other: ________________
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer..? (circle one)
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the
following:disaster.(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
flood
famine
earthquake
war
pestilence
plague
AOL
Republican Congress
Jerry Lewis
Dubya
my last relationship
240-
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service and she's in tears. He says: "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear child?" She says: "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, and did he have any last requests?" She says: "That he did, Father.. " The priest says: "What did he ask you, Mary? " She says: "He said; 'Please Mary, put down that feckin' gun..."
241-
The Inland Revenue sends their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing every type of check and is driving everyone potty with his questions. Soon it’s the Rabbi’s turn. The auditor says to the Rabbi, "I notice you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asks.
"A good question," says the Rabbi. "We actually save the drippings. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every so often they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way. "Rabbi, what about the boxes of matzo you purchase? What do you do with the matzo crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect all the matzo crumbs. When we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with the foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Yes, here too we do not waste," replied the Rabbi. "We actually save all the foreskins and when we have enough, we send them to The Inland Revenue."
"To the Inland Revenue?" asked the auditor in disbelief.
"Oh yes," replied the Rabbi, "The Inland Revenue - and once a year they send us a putz like you."
242-
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic.
We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
243-
How To Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
A chalk outline of a human body on the sidewalk, and a few copies of The Watchtower scattered around...
My mother (a second-generation atheist) used to say (in a very sweet voice): "I'm sorry, I don't give a damn about Jesus." Worked everytime. The Witnesses just backed off the porch in slack-jawed, bug-eyed disbelief.
Agreed, we are not prepared for this one, but it has to be carried off perfectly. The more sincere you appear, the more baffled the Witness will be: Answer the door with an automatic weapon and say "Allah be Praised!!!" and just see what happens.
Automatic weapons are undeniably the best deterrent to Witnesses. For extra effect, fire a few rounds into the air or towards their car. Pretend you hear a voice inside your head telling you to kill the witness. Guaranteed to stop future visits for several years.
The young couple came to my door. I was wearing my robe, and had just awakened. Now let me explain, I am a very unusual looking person anyway, but when I awake, I look like some kind of movie monster, I have hair all over everywhere. I made my eyes real piercing, and stared past them. I knew who they were, you can tell, they look so cute in their getup and their bland
faces. Well the female one obviously is supposed to do the introduction because she sort of panicked, and said: "We're... we're... we're..we're....we're...." And then she stared helplessly at the other one and he said: "uh... uh... uh... uh..." I then did a really fierce grin and stuck out my hand in a very fast gesture, and opened all my fingers, and in a voice sort of a mixture between Peter Lore and Lurch, I said: "I... WILL... TAKE... YOUR... LITERATURE... AND... GIVE... IT... TO... MY... MASTER." The male one quickly handed me a copy of whatever rag they were peddling. They did not ask for a donation. They ran. It's a true story, and they never came back.
A friend claims that when Jehovah's Witlesses knock on her door, her first response is to ask for their address. When they ask why she wants to know, she says it is so she can visit them to push her beliefs. So far, none of them have given their address. It also marks the end of the interview. SLAM!
A guy goes up to my friend's friend and asks, "Can I talk to you about God?" She says, "Sure, what would you like to know?"
JW ladies come to the door. One of them has small child in tow. Interrupts SIW's dinner. If you knew SIW like I knew SIW, you wouldn't do that.
SIW: Thank you, but I already have a religion.
JW: May I ask what it is?
SIW: I'd really rather not say. (Pregnant pause) I'm not sure if it's legal in this country.
Supposedly they gave her a real strange look on their way back down the stairs.
I answer the door with a bloody knife and say, "I'm sorry, could you come back in a half hour? We're not done with the virgin yet."
244-
Rules Of Judaism
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
No one looks good in a yarmulke
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
WASPs leave and never say goodbye. Jews say goodbye and never leave.
Twenty-percent off is a bargain; fifty-percent off is a mitzvah.
There's nothing like a good belch.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of- the-street parking is suspended.
A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
245-
The preacher's Sunday sermon was, "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked all present how many have forgiven their enemies.
About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
Now about 80 percent held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three." she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, "It's easy, I just outlived all those bitches.
246-
"And Jacob beheld the comely maiden afar off and said to his manservant, 'Yea, she hath great tits which causeth me to sport wood a cubit in
length."
247-
Church Lights: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions
including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
248-
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache ?"
249-
When God made Man, she was only practising.
250-
A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional.
"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."
251-
Moshe, Peter and Ali were discussing who was the most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the desert," said Ali. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose faith in the Almighty. I prayed and prayed and suddenly for 100 yards all around me the storm had stopped. Since that day, I am a devout believer in God."
"One day while fishing," said Peter, "I was in my little boat in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my boat was tossed around by the rough waves. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus. I prayed and prayed and suddenly for 300 yards all around me the storm had stopped. Since that day I’m a devout Christian and now teach young children about Him."
"One Saturday, I was walking down the road to my synagogue in Hendon," explained Moshe. "I was in my most expensive designer outfit. Suddenly I saw a leather bag drop to the ground in front of me. It appeared out of nowhere. I put my hand inside and found that it was full of money. I truly thought my end had come as we are not allowed to handle money on the Sabbath. But I did not lose my faith in my God. I prayed and prayed and suddenly for 500 yards all around me it was Sunday."
252-
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the inappropriate behaviour that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. When the angel returned, he told God: "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said: "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When that angel returned he went to God and said: "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So while he was debating what to do about the 95%, He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said?
No?
I didn't get one either.
253-
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.' "
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth.........................................
................................................................................
...............................................................................Ruined the whole fucking thing.
254-
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says.
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
255-
Private Benny and Private Harry are leading a donkey down a muddy road near their barracks when the animal suddenly just drops dead. An officer sees this happen and while Benny and Harry are standing there wondering what they should do, the officer goes up to them. He quickly sizes up the situation and instructs them to get some shovels from the camp and bury the poor animal.
Later, while they were digging the hole, Benny says, "Wow, is this one big mule."
Harry says, "It’s not a mule, Benny, it’s a donkey."
As they continue to argue, "donkey," "mule," "donkey," "mule," another officer, this time a priest, stops to ask them what they are arguing about. They tell him of their disagreement.
The priest looks at the animal and says, "It’s neither a donkey or a mule. According to the bible, it is obviously an ass. Now get back to work."
As they continue to dig, another officer arrives on the scene and asks them, "What are you men digging, a fox hole?"
"No Sir," replies Benny, "not according to the bible."
257-
"Bless me Father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman".
The priest asks: "Is that you little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes Father, tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure, I can't be tellin' you that Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation"
"Well Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Mally?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Mary Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her"
"Was it Catherine Murphy?"
"My lips are sealed Father"
"Was it Fiona Macdonald then?"
"Please Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration: "You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now".
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers: "What'd you get?"
"Three months off and five bloody good leads," says Tommy.
258-
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel and one of them said "Aye, ''tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel and the other Irishman said "Aye, ''tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin; victim to temptation." Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel and one of the Irishmen said: "What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be quite ill!"
259-
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. This state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He said: "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper said: "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest sneaked a glance at the bottle and exclaimed: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
260-
Thank God for CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
13. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
16. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
17. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
18. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
19. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
20. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
21. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
22. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
23. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.
24.The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
25. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
26. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
27. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
28. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use back door.
29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
31. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
32. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High"
261-
A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Southern Baptist and their wives were all on a cruise together. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship, and all the couples drowned. The next thing you know, they're standing before
St. Peter at the pearly gates to be judged.
As fate would have it, the first in line was the Presbyterian and his wife. St.
Peter shook his head sadly and said, "I can't let you in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." St. Peter waved sadly, and poof! Down the chute to the 'Other Place' they went.
Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in either," said Saint Peter. "You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and whang! Down the chute went the Methodists.
The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously,
"It ain't looking good, Fanny."
262-
The catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.
"Brothers and sisters," he said solemnly. "It has come to my attention that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be specific, it is being said there is not one virgin left. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise."
Not a woman stirred.
"I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly," the priest intoned. "But it is
necessary to do so. Young women, I ask those who are truly virgins to rise."
And still not a woman stirred.
Wrath now moved the priest. "Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? I ask you in the name of Mother Mary herself. Let all virgins stand!"
And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.
The preacher stared with astonishment at her. "Young woman, I have asked for virgins to stand."
"Father," the young lady answered indignantly, "do you really expect this
six-month-old child to stand by herself?"
263-
Mother Superior heard one nun say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."
"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today."
Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary.
"Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."
"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored!
"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.
"Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."
264-
One Sabbath, at the end of the service, Rabbi Cohen announces to his Hendon congregation that he would not be renewing his contract and that he would be moving on to a larger synagogue in the West End for more money. There is immediate silence. He is a popular Rabbi and most of the congregation (but not all - after all he’s a Rabbi) are unhappy to hear this news.
Suddenly Moshe, who owns several very successful kosher restaurants, gets up and shouts out, "If Rabbi Cohen agrees to stay with us, I'll provide him and his family with a free 3 course meal every day for the next 2 years."
Then Abe, a successful property tycoon, stands up and shouts, "If Rabbi Cohen stays, I'll not only increase his salary by 50% but I’ll also guarantee the education of his two children."
Then Sadie, aged 75, stands up and shouts, "And if Rabbi Cohen stays, I'll promise him sex."
Rabbi Cohen, blushing, asks her, "Sadie, why on earth did you say that?"
Sadie replies, "Because I’ve just asked my husband how we could help and he said, "Screw him."
265-
Maurice wakes up one morning feeling lousy. "Becky, he shouts, "I’m feeling terrible, I’m sore all over, what should I do?
"So go see Doctor Myers," she replies.
After a thorough examination Doctor Myers says, "I am sorry to have to tell you this Maurice, but I have bad news for you. You’re very ill and in my opinion you don't have very long to live - anything from a few days to 3 months. I suggest you go home and make the necessary arrangements."
Maurice is devastated.
Later that evening, after the crying is over, Maurice tells Becky that as he is a devoted golfer, he would like to be buried with his golf clubs. If there’s a golf course in heaven, he would then have his clubs to play with."
But Becky says, "Maurice, as neither of us knows if there is a golf club up in heaven, I think you should go see Rabbi Levy and ask for his opinion."
Maurice goes to see Rabbi Levy. "Rabbi, is there a golf course in heaven?"
Rabbi Levy says, "I’ll speak to God for you. Come back in a few days time."
Two days later, Maurice returns. "Rabbi, have you any news?”
Rabbi Levy says, "Yes, Maurice, I have spoken to God and I have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that God says there is the most wonderful golf course you could imagine in heaven. The sun shines every day, 365 days a year and you can play golf to your heart’s content."
Maurice says, "That's wonderful news, Rabbi, but what's the bad news?"
Rabbi Levy replies, "Tomorrow morning 8 o'clock - you tee off."
266-
Melvyn and Max were left quite a large plot of land by their rich father. However, this caused the two sons much grief. For months they argued long and hard over how the land should be divided between them. The solution just wasn’t that simple, so they took their problem to Rabbi Landau.
"Rabbi," said Melvyn, "can you please help us solve our problem?"
As soon as he had heard their case, Rabbi Landau said, "Come back tomorrow and we'll talk again."
The next day, Melvyn and Max returned and the rabbi gave them his solution. He gave Max a 50p coin and said, "You can toss the coin."
"And you," said Rabbi Landau to Melvyn, "can call it, heads or tails. Whoever wins the toss will divide the land."
"But that won’t work," said Max, "we'll be right back from where we started."
"But not," said Rabbi Landau, "if the one who wins the toss divides the land and the other one gets first choice!"
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On his way back from work one evening, Benny gets hit by a car as he crosses Threadneedle Street and is knocked unconscious. To the bystanders, he looks in a bad way. A Priest happens to be passing and not knowing Benny’s religion, administers last rites. But immediately, Benny's eyes open and he’s quickly fully awake.
"What were you saying to me?" asks Benny.
The Priest tells him about the last rites.
"I suppose a little bit of a different religion won’t hurt," says Benny, "thanks."
Benny can’t wait to tell his family about his experience.
When he gets home, he says to his wife, "Yetta, you won't believe what’s just happened to me."
But she tells him, "Later, Benny, later. I don't have time. I’m late for my supervision meeting. I’ve left your dinner in the oven. See you later."
So Benny goes up to his daughter’s room and says, "Leah, you won't believe what’s just happened to me."
But she says, "Sorry, Dad, I’m on the phone planning my weekend. Could you please come back later, and close the door behind you, will you."
He then goes to look for his son who he finds driving the car out the garage.
"Maurice, you won't believe what’s just happened to me."
But his son says, "Dad, I’m late for a date. I need the car and some money. Can you lend me £100 please? I’ll talk to you tomorrow."
So Benny goes back into his house, shakes his head and says, "I’ve only been a gentile for two hours and already I hate three Jews."
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A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street talking to each other when they see a young boy walking towards them.
The priest whispers to the rabbi, "Hey rabbi, why don't we screw that little boy?"
The rabbi whispers to the priest, "Out of what?"
269-
John and Marie (both unmarried) went to the same Baptist church.
Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School.
John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"
"Why Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie," said John, "would you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He made a U-turn right then and there, across the median, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie. The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought John.
He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them............You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
270-
A drunken man who smelled like rum sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half bottle of Bacardi was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked: "Say, Father, d'ya know what causes arthritis?" "Yes, my son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, drinking too much alcohol, having contempt for your fellow men, sleeping around with prostitutes, lack of a bath and things like that...." "Well, I'll be blowed..." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised saying: "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strongly. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope has it."
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Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality. Recently, she said that as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet:
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, or example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them.
1 - When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2 - I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3 - I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
4 - Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5 - I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6 - A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
7 - Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some room for negotiation here?
8 - Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
9 - I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10 - My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.
272-
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: - Got anybody in mind?
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch... AMEN
273-
Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!" "All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, do the stations!"
274-
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighbourhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his
neighbours were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the
neighbourhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his
neighbours and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said,
"You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the
neighbourhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The
neighbourhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying,
"You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
275-
One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring then said, "Isn't having nine babies a little much?"
"Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air."
"Yes," said the priest, "your knees!"
276-
Hear about Salman Rushdie's new book?
It's called "Buddha, You Fat Motherfucker"
277-
Avrahom is a 12year old known for his total lack of religious study, so when his barmitzvah day arrives, Rabbi Bloom is not about to let this go without comment. Avrahom performs his barmitzvah as best he can with his minimal preparation and when it comes time to receive his presents, Avrahom gets what most barmitzvah boys are given - a daily prayer book; a set of Jewish Festivals prayer books; a kiddush cup from the congregation’s ladies guild; an encyclopaedia - “The History of the Jewish People from Bible Times to the Present”; and a bible (old testament).
Rabbi Bloom then addresses the barmitzvah boy, "My dear Avrahom. You have received today a number of treasures of Judaism in book form that will surely enrich your life and make it holy in the eyes of God. I also have a gift for you."
With that, Rabbi Bloom pulls out an umbrella from behind the lectern and says to
Avrahom, "I present you with this umbrella because I want to give you something that at least I know for certain you will open."
278-
Issy the millionaire goes to Synagogue one shabbes and at the end of the service stops to shake Rabbi Levy’s hand.
"Rabbi,” says Issy, "that was a God-damned fine sermon you gave today."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Why thank you Issy, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House."
But Issy continues, "In fact I was so God-damned impressed with your sermon that I’ve decided to send you £10,000 for the synagogue rebuilding fund."
Rabbi Levy replies, "No shit?"
279-
Morris the Edgware tailor is worried because his wife Hetty is very ill and needs a good doctor. Everyone knows that Dr Myers is the best doctor in Edgware, so Morris rings him to say that he would like him to treat
Hetty.
Dr Myers says, “OK, but can you afford me? What if I’m unable to save Hetty and you decide not to pay my bills?”
Morris replies, “I promise to pay you anything, no matter whether you cure Hetty or kill her.”
So Dr Myers agrees to treat Hetty. Unfortunately, Hetty dies soon after. When Dr Myers invoice arrives, Morris refuses to pay, despite his promise. After much arguing, they agree to take the issue to their Rabbi for a decision.
Dr Myers puts his side of the story to the Rabbi. “He promised to pay me, ‘no matter whether I cured his wife or killed her.’”
After a few minutes deliberation, the Rabbi says, “So did you cure her?”
Dr Myers has to reply, “No.”
The Rabbi then asks, “So did you kill her?”
“No, I certainly did not,” replied Dr Myers.
“In that case,” says the Rabbi, “Morris owes you nothing – you fulfilled neither of the conditions on which you agreed that your fee should be paid.”
280-
In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme.
And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"
And Man said: "Yes!"
And Woman said: "I'll have one, too..with sprinkles."
And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the
cane, and combined them.
And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."
And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.
And Man packed on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy Lycra jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!"
And Satan said: " It is good."
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
Satan chuckled and created HMOs
281-
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whisky."
282-
One day, a not-too bright father sat his sons down and asked them about the meaning of Easter.
His first son said "Oh, I know what Easter is! That's when a little fat man dresses in red, and gives presents to all the boys and girls!"
The father replied "No son. That's not it. How about you? What do you think Easter means?"
The second son replies.. "Oh, that's when you go out, and shoot a turkey, and have a big meal!"
The father replies "No, that's not right either. Easter is when they nailed Jesus to the cross, put him in a cave, and then rolled a rock in front of the door. Three days later the rock rolled away from the door, Jesus stepped out, saw his shadow, and there was six more weeks of winter!"
283-
284-
Religious Questions
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing
odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the
odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take
offence.
d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from
neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14).
285-
It’s Sunday evening and Rabbi Levy is in deep conversation with his friend.
"I must tell you something, Moshe," he says, "I made nine people very, very happy today."
"A mitzvah, Rabbi, a true mitzvah," says Moshe, "but tell me – how did you manage to achieve this?"
"I performed four marriage ceremonies in my synagogue this afternoon," replies Rabbi Levy.
Moshe is puzzled. "I can see how you made eight people happy, Rabbi, but what about the ninth?"
"Do you really believe I did all this for free?" replies Rabbi Levy.
286-
Rabbi Morris has just resigned and Issy, the synagogue president, goes to visit him.
"Rabbi," Issy says, "I’ve just heard the news. I’m really sorry that you’ve decided to leave us."
"Don’t worry," says Rabbi Morris, "you’ll have nothing to worry about. I’m going to recommend a successor whom I believe will be better than me."
"But that’s exactly what’s worrying me," says Issy, "your predecessor told me exactly the same thing."
287-
Abe and Sadie make a rare appearance in synagogue. It’s probably true to say that they are not the most religious of Jews. In fact they only go to shul two or three times every year – and this is one of those days.
At the end of the service, Abe shakes Rabbi Rose’s hand and says, "Sadie and I both thoroughly enjoyed your service today, Rabbi."
Rabbi Rose replies, "It’s nice of you to say so, Abe, so why don’t you and Sadie come here more often?"
"It’s difficult," replies Abe, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."
"That's really good to hear," says Rabbi Rose.
"Yes," says Abe proudly, "Sadie keeps 6 of them and I keep the other 4."
288-
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.
Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
289-
Eve: "Adam do you love me ?"
Adam: "No I don't"
Eve: (crying) "Then why did you make love to me ?"
Adam: "Heloooo do you see anyone else around here?"
290-
Rabbis Levy, Samuel and Kosiner were ‘progressive’ reform rabbis and were talking one day about the recent advances made by their synagogues. Rabbi Levy said, "we’re very modern – we allow mobile phones to be used during services - we even have re-charging points all over the synagogue."
"Well," said Rabbi Samuel," we’ve installed a snack bar at the back of the synagogue for those who feel hungry or thirsty during services – we serve falafel in pitta and hot salt beef with latkes and new green cucumbers."
"That’s nothing to what we do, my friends," said Rabbi Kosiner, "we close our synagogue for the Jewish holidays."
291-
Holy Mis-Quotes ...
"Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses."
"Hail Mary, full of grapes."
"Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"
"Give us this day our jelly bread."
The Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag."
"I pledge allegiance to the flag . . . And to the republic for Richard Stands."
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.
292-
God is so disenchanted with all the noisy earthly music he keeps on hearing that he decides to do something about it. He sits down to write a Rosh Hashanah (New Year) symphony. When he finishes, God is very pleased with his effort. It is, he says to himself, ‘a magnificent musical symphony, exactly how real music should sound.’
Now that it’s ready, God wants his symphony performed as quickly as possible, so he assembles the greatest musicians of all time and invites everyone who ever lived to hear his masterpiece. No one could refuse.
The day of the unique concert arrives and God himself decides to conduct his own composition. He stands in front of a music stand made of solid gold, taps his baton for order and then the music begins.
The first movement lasts a whole year, but passes so quickly that no one notices. The second movement is even more beautiful than the first and even though this lasts over 2 years, no one seems to mind.
Now comes the third movement. This is the longest and loveliest of all and midway through is a special solo part - one note struck on a silver triangle. It is the highpoint of the symphony. And guess who has been personally selected by God to strike that note? It’s none other than Moshe. Moshe’s family are so proud – it is such an honour to be chosen.
Moshe stands patiently waiting his cue - he doesn’t want to miss it. Then it comes. All the other instruments are hushed. Moshe swings and ….. Oy
Gevalt, he misses. There is no sound at all. The orchestra goes deathly quiet and a groan goes up from the audience of billions.
God taps his baton on the gold music stand for order and says, “OK everyone, lets start again from the top.”
293-
Hetty was just about to make herself a cup of coffee when her front doorbell rang. She opened the door and there stood a smartly dressed man.
"Good morning, madam," he said, "I’m a Jehovah Witness and …" but before he could continue, Hetty said to him, "I’m just about to make myself some coffee. Why don’t you come in and join me?"
Very surprised, he agreed.
After coffee, Hetty said, "I’m now going to have to make some lunch for myself so I don’t really have much time at this moment to talk to you. But if you’d like to join me in a bite to eat, we can talk later."
He was shocked at this kind offer. But again he agreed.
When they had finished eating, Hetty said, "OK, I’m all ears. Why don’t you start at the beginning and tell me all about the Jehovah Witness movement?"
He was totally surprised by this and replied, "I can’t tell you anything - I’ve never got this far before."
294-
What was the Pope's first miracle?
He cured a ham.
295-
Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest. He gives his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."
296-
Abe is in New York on business. On his 3rd night, he goes back to his hotel room feeling quite miserable. Although the trip’s going well, business-wise, he’s feeling very lonely - he’s missing his wife Sarah.
He casually picks up the Gideon bible from his bedside table and opens it. On the first page, he reads: -
"If you’re sick, read Psalm 18."
"If you’re troubled, read Psalm 45."
"If you’re lonely, read Psalm 92."
"If you’re ………"
That’s it! He stops there, immediately turns to Psalm 92 and starts to read. How surprised he is, then, when he gets to the end of the Psalm, to see someone has written: -
"If you’re still lonely, why don’t you call Fifi on 202-123-1234."
297-
Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do you think about all this damnation & devil business we studied today?"
The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how the Santa Claus thing turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."
298=
Old man Jackson, the miser, at last went to his reward and presented himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted him with appropriate solemnity and escorted him to his new abode.
Walking past numerous elegant mansions finally, they arrived at a dilapidated shack at the end of the street.
Jackson, much taken aback, began, "Hey! Why am I left with a rundown shack when all of these others around me have fine mansions?"
"Well, sir," replied St. Peter, "we did the best we could with the money you sent us."
299-
While walking down the street one day a "liberal" female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the lady.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules," says St. Peter.
And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven," says St. Peter.
So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well now, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Please choose your eternity."
She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers, "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and she's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags and it's hotter than... The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the head of state, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a nice country club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable and it's very hot here. "
The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us." " Enjoy your stay Hillary."
300-
Who was the greatest inventor of all time?
God was! He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.
301-
The preacher got up in church one Sunday morning and told the congregation, "Brothers and sisters, we are going to have to do something about people parking behind the church at night. I was out there this morning and there are enough beer cans out there to build a car."
One of the old sisters stood up and said, "Amen brother and enough rubbers to put tires on it."
302-
These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell. When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was. The first guy says "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk."
The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of.
The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room.
The second guy says, "It's the women. I could never stay faithful to my wife."
The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked women that you have ever seen. And he would be the only guy in there for 100 years. He couldn't believe it. His dick was instantly hard and he went hauling ass into the room and the Devil shut the door.
The third man said "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up."
The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him.
One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three men.
He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit and piss. "I'll never drink again!" he says.
The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.
The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even faster than when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams.
The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as well.
The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was
100 years ago.
The devil asks him if he learned anything.
The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek.
"You gotta a light man?"
303-
God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?"
The angel says, "Yes, but what will you do now?"
God says, "I think I’ll call it a day."
304-
A parish priest was being honoured at a dinner on the twenty- fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "You will understand," he said: "that he seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people." Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician: "in fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him for confession..."
305-
Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life. Then, she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said, "Hold on, Sister Margaret . not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the Convent to my dying breath. I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter, "you never learned right from wrong and, to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong"
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up."
"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me when you are ready."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniel's. "Saint Peter... I feel woozy. That vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. Afterward, call me."
A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:
"Yo, Pete, it's Peggy... It's gonna be a while!!!
306-
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a moment and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors... I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.
A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives... from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat... He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL... I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little "Meals-on-Wheels" that You have been sending over are delicious. "
307-
A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads ... Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination-and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says
... Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution - 5 MILES.
Realising these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third ... Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution - NEXT RIGHT.
His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a sombre stone building with a sign on the door that reads ... Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution WELCOME.
He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks: "What may we do for you my son?
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man: "Please, knock on this door" and leaves.
The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He places the money in this nun's tin cup then trots eagerly down the hallway and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign which says: "Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy!"
308-
A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing.
The man and nun started talking and she asked about his life. He talked about his wife and 13 children.
"My, my," said the nun, "13 children.... you're a good, proper Catholic family. The Lord is very proud of you!"
"I'm sorry, Sister," he said, "I am not Catholic. I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!?" she replies. "Hmmm.... you're a sex maniac, aren't you?"
309-
In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.
Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.
At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light."
Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?
God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.
The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."
The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.
Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."
Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.
Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....
At this point, God created Hell.
310-
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the pastor went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the pastor asked, "Why after all these years don't we see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, reverend," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
311-
An old priest was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to the Rectory. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moment.
They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old guy mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
312-
On the first day God created the dog. God said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said: "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said: "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said: "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what; I'll take my twenty, plus the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God: "you've got a deal!"
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
313-
There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "Who are you?" Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade." St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven."
Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around. But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to the Pearly Gates.
He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' But, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!" St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son!"
314-
Rabbi Bloom gets on a tube train on its way to Golders Green. As soon as the doors close, a priest gets up, goes over to the rabbi and says, "Good morning rabbi. I have a question to ask you. Why is it that everybody thinks Jews are smarter than Gentiles?"
Rabbi Bloom, who is not up for an argument, says, "I’m sorry, but I am just a simple rabbi and I’m not really able to participate in such a discussion."
But the priest insists. "Look, no harm meant rabbi, but I have a theory and I need to test it out in the form of a bet. I’ll pay you £100 if you can ask me a question that I can't answer. But if I can ask you a question that you can't answer, you must pay me £100."
Rabbi Bloom replies, "But I’m a poor rabbi - I only have £10 on me."
The priest hesitates then says, "OK, rabbi, it’s my £100 against your £10."
Rabbi Bloom realises he can't get out of this so he agrees, but on condition that he asks the first question. The priest agrees.
"OK," says Rabbi Bloom, "what animal has scaly skin, the body of a cat, the face of a squirrel, the ears of a mouse, webbed toes and swims under water?"
Surprised, the priest admits that he doesn't know and asks the rabbi for a few more minutes to think about it. The rabbi agrees.
2 minutes later, the priest takes £100 from his wallet and gives it to the rabbi. The priest then asks the rabbi, "So what animal was it?"
Rabbi Bloom replies, "How should I know?" and gives the priest £10.
315-
Easter Shorts
“Son, I’m ashamed of you.......I hear you’ve been hanging around with a couple of thieves”
“I don’t care whose son you are...Drop that cross once more and you’re out of the procession”
“I don’t care whose son you are..You need a catering licence to feed 5000”
316-
A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service. Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness.
As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to another worker: "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and
I ain't never seen anything like that before." Sort of gives new meaning to the term "Holy Shit."
317-
An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "what are you doing here?"
The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"
"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.
318-
One day a guy died and found himself in Hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked: "Why so glum?"
The guy responded: "What do you think? I'm in Hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said: "we actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said: "I love a drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded: "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow!" the guy said: "that's awesome!"
The demon continued: "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation: "I never realised Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said: "You gay?"
"No!"
"Ooooh, you're really gonna hate Fridays!"
319-
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
320-
Normally getting caught singing in the shower isn't such a bad thing. But when I was busted belting out, "Take me down to the Vatican City, where the smoke is white and the boys are pretty!" I knew my days as an up-and-coming cardinal were numbered.
321-
The first cardinal has had to withdraw from the selection process to be the new pope.
All down to his name, another Polish gentlemen by the name of Sicola.
Seems they could not have a Pope Sicola
322-
There was an exorcism in
Boston last week.
It took the Devil an hour to get the priest out of the boy.
323-
Three
little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday
school.
So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said,
"We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will
you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked
their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out
and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do
you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on
you. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss
because they just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
"Yes. What do you think that means?"
"That means we're Pisscopalians."
324-
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the
behaviour of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment. They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.
After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:
"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
325-
A man attended a Billy Graham Crusade. When the very emotional sermon was over, Reverend Graham asked those who'd been moved by the Lord to come forward. The man had really been taken by the sermon and came forward to shake hands with Graham. When the man got to the Reverend, Graham held his hands up, grabbed the microphone, stopped the music, and waved for silence. "My dear man, who put those clothes on your body?" The man replied, "The Lord did!" "AMEN" shouted the congregation. "My good man, who put food on your table?" "The good Lord did, Reverend!" the man shouted. "AMEN! Hallelujah!" the crowd roared in response. "My good fellow, who put that smile on your face and a
rosy look to your cheeks?" "Reverend, it was the Lord!" "PRAISE GOD!" the crowd cheered. Reverend Graham again raised his hands and called for silence. "Now, kind sir, what did the Devil ever do for you?" The man thought for a second. "Nothing. Fuck him."
326-
I was sitting outside one cloudy day, reminiscing on all the bad luck I was having. Everything was going wrong.
Feeling bad, I looked up to the heavens with outstretched arms and said, "Why me, Lord? Why me?"
All of a sudden there was a clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning, and as the clouds parted, a booming voice came down from the sky, and said, "Because, there's something about you that just pisses me off!"
327-
The Vatican announced today that Antonio Federalli, chief cook for over35 years, was summarily fired for cause. He had been uppity with the Pope this morning when he said. "How do you want your eggs, Benedict?"
328-
In 1875 a Danish couple converted to became Mormons and moved to Cache Valley Utah. They set up a farm in Rural Providence, Utah, and were self-sufficient for a couple of years. By the third year, the husband decided to take a second wife, as Mormons of the time did. His wife was not too keen on the idea, so he convinced a Swedish neighbour to help in a plan to convince her. "Let us go to the barn, and pray for guidance on this major decision," said the husband. "Whatever God tells us, that's what we'll do."
They went to the barn, got on their knees, and old farmer Madsen started with the usual openings to Mormon prayers. After a few minutes of this, he posed the question: "Heavenly Father, should I take another wife?"
Farmer Olson was in the rafters, as previously had been arranged, and in the most booming, deep voice he could muster, said "Brother Madsen, I command thee to take another wife."
After a moment, farmer Madsen looked over to his wife, and saw that she was sobbing uncontrollably. He put his arm around her, and said, "There there, a second wife will be an addition to the family, but she will never be a replacement for you. I'll still love you just as much."
Mrs. Madsen said "I have no problem with you taking a second wife, I've been resigned to that for a year now. But in my worst nightmare, I NEVER imagined that God was a Swede!"
329-
A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven. St Peter met him at the door. "You can't come in here," Peter said.
The Pagan asked why.
"You're Pagan... sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it's cool."
The Pagan is depressed but goes anyway, because he was, well, Pagan. So he goes to Hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicking and having a great time. A man in a white comes over to him and presents himself as Satan, and the Devil tells him of all the delights in what appears to be a 5 star resort.
"Wow!" thinks the Pagan. "Hell ain't so bad! I'm happy to be here."
Suddenly, the sky gets black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming, flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the earth. After he disappears, everything returns to normal.
"What the heck was that?!" the Pagan asks Satan.
Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have Hell any other way."
330-
Last Sunday, the Gospel was the one about the ten bridesmaids. The five good bridesmaids remembered to take plenty of oil for their lamps; five bad bridesmaids did not.
The priest at our church is always very fiery and his sermons always end on a high
note. Last Sunday the priest ended with...
"Where would you rather be? In the light with the five good bridesmaids or in the dark with the five bad bridesmaids?"
I wasn't the only one who got it wrong!
331-
Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said, "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name."
Later, as he counted the money, he found 21 five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown."
332-
"As I understand it, Ratzinger was not the Cardinals' first choice. That was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje. Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943, at which time he lost his left arm. Capt. Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.
After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was
buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor and holy man, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy.
They felt that the Church would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader."
333-
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver,
"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope,
"They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Chief exclaimed........ "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked...... "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop:"Bigger."
Chief:"Governor?"
Cop:"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief:"What makes you think it's God?"
Cop:"He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
334-
A judge of some thirty years passed away unexpectedly. Upon his passing he as greeted by an angel who explained he was there to guide the judge to heaven. The angel introduced himself and added, "and I must say it is
truly an honour to meet you." As they slowly headed closer to the pearly gates the judge suddenly stopped dead in his tracks and in no uncertain terms said, "Listen, I don't care how rare it is for someone of my stature to make it up here, but if there are any attorneys in there, I'm not going in. I'm tired of them all. I'd rather suffer an eternity in hell than argue with another minute with an attorney."
Arriving at the pearly gates, and with much eyebrow raising by the heavenly host, the judge was determined to be worthy to enter heaven. "One moment, St. Peter," said the judge as the gates to heaven swung open for him, "just one thing, I'm tired of being around attorneys. I've been around them all of my life. Are there any inside? Because if there are, the deal's off and you can just send me to hell right now!" "Certainly not!" cried St. Peter, "You're quite safe. There are no attorneys in here." Feeling reassured, the judge pressed on and through the pearly gates into heaven. The judge found heaven very enjoyable until one day when all of a sudden a very elderly gentleman with a long white beard, wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase in one hand and a handful of papers in the other pushed past him mumbling something about be late for court. Enraged, the judge stormed back to St. Peter. "Hey! St. Peter!" cried the judge, "You said there were no attorneys here." "There aren't," stammered St. Peter. "I bed to differ," the angered judge promptly retorted, then pointing to the elderly man, "What does that elderly guy over there look like to you?" demanded the judge. "Oh my," St. Peter said laughingly, "That's not an attorney! -- That's God. He just thinks he's an attorney!"
335-
The Vatican has decided that it is not a sin to kiss a nun, just don't get into the habit.
336-
Little Johnny O'Brien, a fine Catholic lad, was out looking for trouble.
He tripped people on the street, threw bricks through windows, smacked folks on the top of the head and whatnot until a passing cop stopped him.
"What's going on here!" bellowed the officer.
"It's like this officer," winked Little Johnny. "I am on my way over to the church to go to confession, and I'm a little short of material...."
337-
The Book Seller's Association, a professional group of book store owner's , believe there's another impressive new book arriving from the publisher's this week that will be sharing the spotlight with President Clinton's hefty new tome.
It's a combined literary effort by ministers Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert and the association believes it will sell well, especially in the southern bible belt states.
It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
338-
The elderly priest speaking to the younger priest said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket
theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church is always the first to fill now." The young priest nodded and the old priest continued. "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony." Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid that you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that." "I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell," just can't stay on the church roof."
339-
The Bible tells us to love our neighbours. It also warns us to love our enemies. This is probably because they are generally the same people.
340-
Three Religious Truths
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
341-
A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.
"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
342-
GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve.. we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
343-
OK, so God made Heaven and Earth. But what has he done recently?
344-
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five- hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?!"
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
345-
Pope John Paul II gets to heaven.
St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."
Pope John Paul II says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"
St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests."
Pope John Paul says, "He's mad about THAT?"
St. Peter says, "She's furious!"
346-
A young minister prepares to go to bed with his bride on their wedding night. Upon entering the bedroom he sees her lying down on the bed. Ever conscious of his duties to the Lord, he exclaims, "Woman, don't you know that you should be on your knees?" Her
surprised reply: "Well, OK, if that's what you want. But I always get hiccups when I do it that way."
347-
It was late at night as the Pope, who had departed this world, was approaching the gates of heaven. There was no one around, but there was a small shack just prior to the gates with a light on. The Pope stepped into the shack and startled a young man half asleep sitting at a small grey desk.
"Excuse me" said the Pope, "but I'm supposed to check in here with St. Peter, but there is no one at the gate." "Yea, Yea" said the young man, "Where are your orders?"
"I don't have any orders, " said the Pope.
"Well it's too late to check in tonight anyhow." said the young man, "Just go around to the back of the building, find a rack and dump your gear in a locker. St. Peter will be here in the morning and you can check in then."
The Pope grabs his stuff and walks around the building only to find a WWII style open bay barracks. The racks are stacked three high and the only open one is all the way at the end of the building, and its on top. He drags his stuff to the end of the building, but there is no locker for him. He takes a deep breath, thinks about it for a minute and decides this is just one final test. He crawls up into the rack and falls asleep.
Suddenly he is awakened by a loud commotion outside the barracks. As he walks outside he sees a huge crowd of angels cheering and clapping as a gold convertible limousine approaches. As it draws nearer, the Pope sees a guy in a flight suit and Navy leather flight jacket in the back seat with a beautiful angel on each arm, a beer in his hand and he is smoking one of the biggest cigars the Pope has ever seen. The Pope turns to the young man who checked him in and asks, "Who is that guy?" "A Naval Aviator," the young man replies.
The Pope says, "I don't get it. I worked hard all of my life to do God's work on earth. As a young man I studied hard at the seminary, as a priest I
laboured hard to tend my flock and provide guidance when they strayed. I struggled as a bishop to serve the church and as Pope, I was able to attract more followers of the faith. Yet, when I reach heaven, St. Peter isn't here to greet me. I have to carry my own bags. I'm stuck in the top rack of an open bay barracks and I don't even have a locker for my bags!"
The young man looks at the Pope and says. "Look, we get a Pope every 20-30 years, but he is the only Naval Aviator who has ever made it!"
348-
A group of rednecks sat around the pot-bellied stove in the country store, discussing the mysteries of life. "I'm going deaf and blind," sighed one old fellow.
"I don't know what the good Lord wants to leave me here for."
"Now, Mr. McCoy," replied his Pastor friend, "the Lord's ways are not our ways, and we can't always understand. But if He's left you here He's got work for you to do."
Mr. McCoy sat for a minute in quiet meditation, then announced, "Well, screw Him,... I'm not a-gonna do it."
349-
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.
"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.
"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"
"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.
"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"
"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."
"Are you in any pain?" the friend asked.
"No, I have never had a pain in my life."
"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry:
"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."
350-
These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off --let the Church help.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm.--prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
351-
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whisky received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!" She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the window, she said "Don't sell that cow."
352-
GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sodworms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-- sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the
rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they
can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn leaves fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new
circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No fooling? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid movie about....
GOD: Never mind. I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
353-
The Rabbi explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims :"If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.
Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I vill give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies:
"Vell, I just asked mein husband how ve could help, and he said, "Fuck the Rabbi."
354-
A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service. Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness.
As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking in a very serious voice to another worker: "You know, I been puttin' in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen nothin' like that before.
355-
A Cambridge grad, Ben, dies and goes to Hell. The devil himself meets him surrounded by fire and lightning and offers to show the new boy around the place. They pass sights that are so horrible that they have not even been seen on channel 4, they hear sounds that would make mortals go insane with fear and they smell rotten and burning flesh everywhere. Eventually they arrive at a door marked Oxbridge Graduates room, and wails and gnashing of teeth can be heard outside. "This is where you will spend the rest of eternity." the devil smirks. Ben is obviously less than happy having to share all eternity with a bunch of Oxford boys, but says nothing and assumes that this is indeed hell. As Ben enters the room he notices that everyone is being force-fed lemonade with beer through straws; some people are being buggered senseless by large men with masks on; everyone however is wearing a duck egg blue scarf. Ben slightly perturbed by the fact that no Oxford Grads seem to have gone to hell asks the prince of darkness "Why are there no Oxford grads in hell?" "AAAHHH", said the devil "We used to have them until we realised this was their idea of heaven!"
356-
Yitzhak and Leah decide to marry. However, they are both so inexperienced that neither knows what they have to do on their wedding night. So they go to Rabbi Bloom for advice.
After hearing their story, Rabbi Bloom takes them upstairs to his bedroom and says to Leah, "I want you to get undressed and get on my bed. I’ll get undressed too and then I’ll be able to show you both exactly what you will have to do on your wedding night."
So Leah gets undressed as she was told and gets up on the bed. Rabbi Bloom then begins to demonstrate on Leah the steps and actions involved in making love. From start to finish!
As soon as Rabbi Bloom finishes, he starts getting dressed, saying to Yitzhak, "Well, that’s what you have to do, Yitzhak. You can see that it has worked by the lovely glowing look on Leah’s face. So now I suggest you take her home and practice what I’ve shown you."
But then Leah interrupts and says, "Hold on Rabbi, could you please show Yitzhak again what to do. He’s a little forgetful."
357-
A married couple in New York's "Little Italy" went to their Priest to discuss birth control, since they already had five children. The husband inquired if perhaps oral sex would be an acceptable substitute in the eyes of the Church.
The Priest explained that it was still considered a perverted act and a sin; totally banned according to their faith.
The wife spoke up fuming, "Look Father, you no play-a da game, you no make-a da rules...."
358-
Thank God For The Kids
Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda
----
Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce
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Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet
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God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love Alison
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Dear God, How did you know you were God? Who told you?
Charlene
---
Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house?
Anita
---
Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nancy
---
Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.
Glenn
---
Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis
---
Dear God, Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma
---
Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?
Billy
---
Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.
Peter
---
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother.
Larry
---
Dear God, It is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff
---
Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really !!!!
Frank
-----
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple, until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool.
Thomas
359-
Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the earth.
After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.
The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:
"Who is it?" "It's Paul" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Paul?" "Hashish from Morocco" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?" It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew ?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John ?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?" It's Luke" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Luke ?" "Speed from Amsterdam" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas ?" "The FBI, YOU SCUMSUCKERS! EVERYONE ASSUME THE POSITION AGAINST THE WALL!"
360-
So God comes down from heaven and finds Adam
sitting under a tree eating the apple. "Oh, no" says God, "Please
tell me that you and Eve didn't do anything." Adam replies "Well, the
apple looked so good, and Eve looked so good, and well, it just happened."
"I knew this would happen", says God. "Where is Eve?"
"Oh, she's down at the river washing up." replies Adam.
"Oh, no!" says God "I'll never get that smell out of the fish!'
361-
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on Vickie's door who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces.
To Vickie's surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."
362-
Who was the greatest inventor of all time?
God was!... He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.
363-
Three guys from the North country all showed up at the Pearly Gates at about the same time. Saint Peter came out to meet them and to ask them some questions. He asked each one how they managed to arrive at the Pearly Gates. The first one said, "Well, I'm a trapper and was out checking my trap line. As I rode my horse along the edge of this canyon, I heard a horse racing down the canyon below. I looked over the edge and here came this man, stark naked riding his horse at full speed down the canyon with his shirt held above his head and the wind blowing it straight out behind him. I thought it was terrible that he was flaunting himself so brazenly, not knowing if there might be some ladies coming down the canyon, and since there happened to be an outhouse setting there, I pushed it over the rim on top of him, killing him. After thinking for a few minutes I realized that I didn't know the circumstances and I shouldn't have caused the mans death. I was so remorseful that I flung myself over the cliff in shame , And, Saint Peter, that is how I got here." Saint Peter told him that since he did show remorse, even though what he did was very wrong, he would let him go on in to Heaven. The second man said, "Well, I'm a trapper too, and I was running my trapline at the bottom of this canyon and I found a very large angry skunk in one of my traps. Before I could get close enough to club him, he sprayed me all over with his scent. I got sick and was puking and almost unable to breathe, so I stripped off my clothes, and took a bath in the creek, washed my clothes and since I figured there was nobody within miles, I would ride towards home naked, until my clothes I was holding over my shoulder dried. I thought if I rode fast, the air would dry them faster. Then out of nowhere, this outhouse fell on me and, Saint Peter, that is how I got here. Saint Peter told him that since he didn't do anything wrong, that he could go on in to Heaven. The third man said, Well, Saint Peter, I am a trapper too, and I was riding along the rim of this canyon, looking for a good place to take a crap, and all of a sudden I saw this outhouse.
364-
Young Jimmy was taking confession when he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister.
"Is this a sin, Father" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes Jimmy, indeed it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."
365-
Q. Why do Jehovah's Witnesses dislike Halloween?
A. They hate having all those strangers ring their doorbells.
366-
There were two of us nuns...
My friend is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and I am known as Sister Logical (SL).
It was getting dark and we are still a very long way from the convent:
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He can't follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And ..?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my habit up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her habit up can run faster than man with his pants down!
And for those of you who thought this would be rude, we'll both pray for you!
367-
Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him.
When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves.
Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Paul's chin.
"Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown."
At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. "Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you silly prick?"
368-
Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, St. Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret... not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath.. I have lived for this moment" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is just the problem..... you have never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven you must know the difference between them", replied St. Peter.
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven", Sister Margaret pleaded.
St. Peter replied "I am going to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished... we will discuss your situation then" ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then called St. Peter coughing and hacking. "St. Peter", she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up."
"Good!" replied the old saint. "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me immediately." Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter shortly after taking several belts of Jack Daniels. "St. Peter... I feel woozy... that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me... it is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good... good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense and then call me."
A week later, Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Hello, Pete..... it's Maggie.... it's gonna be a while!.
369-
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
370-
Mother Superior was walking in the garden one day when she saw a novice nun working in the vegetable patch. Unfortunately every seed she planted was stolen by the birds, which were sitting, watching her from nearby. "Fuck off!" she shouted, "Just fuck off!" Mother Superior was quite disgusted by this and called her over. "Young lady....... That is NOT how a young nun behaves. Next time the birds steal your seeds, just say shoo....... shoo.... and they'll FUCK OFF by themselves...."
371-
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good morning, Father.
Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So, the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said: "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?" she said.
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Katherine," she replied.
372-
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
373-
When Pope John Paul II got to heaven, St. Peter told him he was lucky to be there.
John Paul asked, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"
"God was angry with your refusal to admit female priests," said St. Peter.
"He's mad about that?" the late pope asked.
St. Peter replied, "She's furious."
374-
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
375-
Father Harris was motoring along a country lane in his parish on a spring afternoon when all of a sudden he got a flat
tyre. Exasperated, the priest stopped his car, got out, and assessed the damage.
Luckily a four-wheel- drive jeep rounded the bend and pulled to a stop behind the crippled vehicle. The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a powerful hunk of a man. "Good afternoon, Father," greeted the stranger. "Can I give you a hand?"
"Heaven be praised," rejoiced the priest. "As you can see, my son, I have a flat
tyre, and I must admit I've never changed one before."
"Don't worry about it, Father. I'll take care of it." And without skipping a beat, the bruiser picked up the front of the car with one hand and removed the lug nuts from the base of the flat
tyre with the other. "Why don't you get the spare from the trunk?"
"Why, ah, yes, of course, my son," stuttered the amazed Father Harris. The priest rolled the spare around to the strong- man who casually lifted it up with his free hand,
manoeuvred it into place, and proceeded to tighten the lug nuts.
"Do you need the wrench?" the Father queried.
"That's OK," the fellow told him. "These nuts are as tight as a nun's snatch."
"Hmmmm..." mused Father Harris. "I'd better get the wrench."
376-
The girl knelt in the confessional and said: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said: "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake..."
377-
One evening, Rabbi Levy is visited by a stranger. "Yes," says the rabbi, "can I help you?"
"Life is very hard for some," says the man. "I thought you should know about the problems facing one of your congregation."
"So tell me already," says the rabbi.
"Well," says the man, "your Mrs Goldman owes a moneylender over £1,000 and she hasn’t got the money to pay him back. She’s being thrown out her house this week, she’s too ill to work and she can’t feed her children."
"It’s a terrible life, indeed," says Rabbi Levy. "Thank you for letting me know. I’ll raise some money from the synagogue straight away – I’ll even donate £100 of my own money. But tell me, my friend, are you a relative of Mrs Goldman?"
"Don’t be silly, rabbi," says the man, "I’m the moneylender."
378-
Billy Graham goes to heaven and is approached by St. Peter. They greet each other. Billy recognizes a man with a somewhat unattractive pair of lizards on his neck. He asks "Why does the Pope have 2 lizards around his neck?"
To which St. Peter replies "Well, the Pope had some unresolved sins, and he must wear the lizards until he gives up them up. He nods, and then notices Howard Stern with 10 lizards around his neck and states, "Ah, I get it. He had even more unresolved sins, and he must wear them for longer."
"Correct," replies St. Peter. Finally he sees Michael Jackson, with only one lizard on his neck. Surprised to see the low number of lizards on Michael Jackson's neck he asks St. Peter about this.
St. Peter replies, "Well, we needed to punish this particular lizard."
379-
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realised that God doesn't work that way....
So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
380-
In the beginning there was the Void, and you couldn't find a decent bloody beer, or for that matter, anything else decent anywhere. Then God spake, saying unto the Cosmos "I want a decent bloody biscuit!" And chocolate chip bickies appeared.
God tasted them and they were chewy and fatty and rich - and God saw that they were good.
Then God looked forth for someone to tell how good the bloody beaut bickies were, but there was Void, and fuck-all else, so God created a place, and called it "Here."
And then, probably because he was bored shitless, God caused to appear a man, right here, and called him "You." Then God spake, "Hey You, try one of these bloody beaut bickies, they're great!"
"You" partook of the bloody beaut bickies, and raved as to the goodness thereof. Then "You" looked for someone else to tell about the wondrous bloody beaut bickies of chocolate chip, but there was no one but him and God, and God already knew of them.
So "You" spake unto God, beseeching, "Who can I tell about these bloody beaut bickies?"
With this in mind, God created woman, and called her "Wowza," for her form was exceedingly fair to look upon. "You" then spake unto her and said, "Wowza, you bloody well have to try one of these bloody beaut bickies!"
"Wowza" partook of the bloody beaut bickies, and said "Yeah well, they're OK." Then she hid herself from "You" and God, and ate the entire box of bloody beaut bickies
As a result God waxed wrathful and spake, "You! Where are my bloody beaut bickies?"
"You" turned and cried, "Wowza! the bitch - She fucken gutzed the whole box!"
For this God sent forth a curse of biblical proportion called "cellulite" and smote "Wowza" horrendously on each of her hips, causing "You" to look upon her and go "Fuck me! What a fat bitch"
Then Satan, He of rice cakes and Iceberg lettuce set, did appear and sent to "Wowza" a divorce lawyer to comfort her in her grief.
And thus did "Here" become a place of bedevilment and God quoth, "Next time, I'll send out for pizza, and I'll be buggered if I am telling anyone, including "You"
Thus, it is written ...
381-
"I just have the smallest suggestion, if you'll excuse my presumption," says Gabriel. "You know those sample humans you put down there in the Garden of Eden?"
God nods, a frown furrowing His brow.
"Well," says Gabriel, "I was just wondering whether, for all the obvious reasons, they shouldn't have differing sets of genitalia as all the other animals do?"
God reflects on this for a minute, and then a smile crosses His face.
"You're right," He exclaims. "Give the dumb one a penis!"
382-
A Fundamentalist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally propositioned the Choir director one night after practice, when they were alone in the church.
"Where Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied.
"Right here on the floor," he panted.
"It'd be too cold." she whispered. "How about standing up?"
"Have you taken leave of you senses?" he shouted. "If anyone came in, they'd think we were dancing."
383-
There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was
levelled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.
At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"
Forty-nine hands went up.
"Right!" said St Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Purgatory. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you.
384-
In the beginning the world was without form, and void.
And God said 'Let there be light'.
And God separated the light from the dark.
And did two loads of laundry.
385-
The Roman Catholic Church is coming out with a new low-fat Communion wafer.
It is called: "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus!"
386-
Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.
In sheer panic and fearing he really was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it all.
Jesse did and replied, "That tasted like bull shit!" The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low
387-
An attractive young lady was on a plane arriving from Ireland. She found herself seated next to an elderly priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"
"Of course my child, what can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem. I bought myself a new very sophisticated vibrating hair remover for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could take it through customs for me?"
"Child, I would be too embarrassed to declare and item like that!"
The young lady then said, " Couldn't you hide it under your cassock? Then no one would ever know."
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the worrisome personal gadget.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.
Finding his reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvellous little instrument destined for use and entertainment by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father...... Next!"
388-
A Jewish man was in St. Vincent's Hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room.
She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing.
The man and nun started talking and the nun asked about the man's life. The man talked about his wife and 13 children.
"My, my," said the nun, "13 children . . . You're a good, proper Catholic family man. G-d is very proud of you!"
"I'm sorry, Sister," the man said, "I am not Catholic. I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!?" she replies and immediately gets up to leave.
"Sister, why are you leaving?"
"I didn't realize I was talking to a sex maniac!"
389-
There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South. One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items.
This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears.
Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk could hardly contain himself. "Are you a Quaker"? he asked as he was trying to ring up the merchandise.
"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.
"No joke?" asked the clerk, "You're really a real Quaker?"
The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a real Quaker."
"Wow!" the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked the clerk.
The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise to be tallied up. As clerk finished ringing up the sale he said, "Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?"
The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy. The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply. The man said, "Screw Thee."
390-
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says.
"I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.
St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.
"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.
"They keep resuscitating me," he replies.
391-
Although born to a good Irish-Catholic family, Colm had always wanted to be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion.
On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin.
The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee, It's $5000."
"Holy Mother! $5,000!" exclaimed Colm , "That's a lot of money. How about $50?"
"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.
392-
Q. How do you know Jesus wasn't Jewish?
A. He went to the Last Supper. If he was Jewish he would've gone for the Early Bird.
393-
People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil one. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Satan walked up to the old man and said: "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied: "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the
man. "Don't you realise I can kill with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep!" was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked: "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied: "Been married to your sister for 44 years!"
394-
Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them. Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries,
"Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."
395-
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God: "Where have you been?" God pointed downwards through the clouds: "Look Michael, look what I've made..." said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said: "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God: "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth: "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor, the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different countries: "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked: "What's that?"
"Ah," said God. "That's England, the most glorious place on Earth. There will be beautiful people, dozens of premiership football teams and very many impressive cities; it will the home of the World's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, inventors, explorers and politicians. The people of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed: "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied very wisely: "Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down next to them in France!"
396-
The sweet young thing was telling the Evangelist that she had been sleeping in another bedroom since she had caught her husband sleeping with the neighbour.
"It's your duty to forgive him, my child," intoned the minister as he patted her hand. She fell into his arms gently sobbing.
"But," he added, as his grip tightened, "How'd ya like to get even with the S.O.B. first?"
397-
An old couple were sitting quietly in church one Sunday morning. About halfway through the service, she leans over to her husband and whispers: "I just had a silent fart...what do you think I should do?" He whispered back: "Don't worry dear, when we get home we'll just put a new battery in your hearing aid!"
398-
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a
favour. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for
worshipping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."
399-
At a small parish in rural New England there lived a priest, and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning to fray. She went to the priest and told him "Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon."
The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church property as "our" not "your."
Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be trimmed. She again went to the priest and told him "Father, I've noticed that your... I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed."
The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing.
She assured him she would look for it. Another few days passed, and the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit. The whole parish was in a uproar of cleaning, etc.
On the day the bishop arrived, the same nun came down the front stairs yelling "Father, Father, I found your watch!!"
The bishop said, "How wonderful my child."
After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest and said "Why yes, Father, I found it under OUR bed."
400-
Q: What did god say after making Adam?
A: I can do better.
Q: Then what did he say after creating Eve??
A: Fuck, guess I was wrong.
401-
A man attended a Billy Graham Crusade. When the very emotional sermon was over, Reverend Graham asked those who'd been moved by the Lord to come forward. The man had really been taken by the sermon and came forward to shake hands with Graham. When the man got to the Reverend, Graham held his hands up, grabbed the microphone, stopped the music, and waved for silence. "My dear man, who put those clothes on your body?" The man replied, "The Lord did!" "AMEN" shouted the congregation. "My good man, who put food on your table?" "The good Lord did, Reverend!" the man shouted. "AMEN! Hallelujah!" the crowd roared in response. "My good fellow, who put that smile on your face and a
rosy look to your cheeks?" "Reverend, it was the Lord!" "PRAISE GOD!" the crowd cheered. Reverend Graham again raised his hands and called for silence. "Now, kind sir, what did the Devil ever do for you?" The man thought for a second. "Nothing. Fuck him."
402-
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter
awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St. Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church...Never heard of it... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus re-enters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
403-
Jesus walks into a hotel, lays 3 stakes and some nails down on the counter and asks the desk clerk, "Can you put me up for the night?"
404-
The Pastor walks the main street in the bad part of town, stops a junkie and asked him where the post office is.
The junkie told him how to get there and turn to go.
The Pastor put his hand on the junkie’s shoulder and said: “My son, leave all those filthy drugs behind, come with me and I’ll show you the true world, the world of faith, I’ll show you the real pleasure of praying , I will take you to the Seventh Heaven”
“You will take me to the Seventh Heaven?” said the junkie “You don’t even know where the Post Office is”
405-
A gang of hoodlums began hanging out on the steps of the church and hassling worshipers as they came in and out. Finally, the situation got so bad that complaints reached Father Murphy, who decided to go out and talk to the teenagers.
The priest's appearance was greeted by hoots and catcalls. But he went up to the leader and said, "Boys, I think there are better places for you to hang out than on God's doorstep."
The gang leader defiantly said, "Fuck God."
Father Murphy winced. "You're risking God's wrath by breaking His holy laws and taking his name."
The gang leader said, "Fuck God's laws. You name one, I break it. I swear, I fuck , I steal, I smoke, I shoot people. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna break every single fucking law the church has ever make."
The priest said, "Do you really mean that?" The gang leader turned to his buddies and said, "Do I ever go back on a promise? Blood oath. I'm gonna break every church law."
"Well," the priest said, "I know of at least one sin you haven't committed."
"Yeah? Tell me what it is and I'll do it."
Father Murphy replied, "There's a strict church law against suicide."
406-
Why God Never Received Tenure at a University
Because he had only one major publication.
And it was in Hebrew.
And it had no cited references.
And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
He expelled his first two students for learning.
Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
407-
Jesus and Moses are playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to an island green, Moses hits his 6-iron and it lands perfectly on the green. Jesus takes out his 7-iron and begins tee-ing it up.
Moses says: "The 7 isn't enough club. It'll go in the water"
Jesus replies: "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it."
He swings the 7-iron and sure enough, straight in the drink. He tees up a second ball and grabs his 7-iron again. Again Moses reminds him of his previous attempt and Jesus says, "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it." "PLOP" in the water, it goes again. He continues this until he has hit all his golf balls into the water. At this point, he begins walking out on the water looking down to locate his lost golf balls. The foursome behind them approaches the tee, spots Jesus out on the lake and says to Moses, "Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses replies, "No, Tiger Woods."
408-
Adam and Eve must have had a great marriage:
Adam couldn't talk about his mother's cooking,... and Eve couldn't mention all the other men she should have married.
409-
Hi. God here. How ya doin? Why is it that every time I turn around, some so-called religious leader is shaking the Bible or Koran and saying that I, God, want everyone to "stone the adulteress" or "burn the witch" or "send money to build the Happy Jesus Theme Park" or, in this case, bust up statues?
Let's get something straight here. First of all, that Bible or Koran that they're shaking around? Heavily padded. Sure I told the prophets to write some of those things down. The good-advice parts, like bathe, and lift with your knees, and be nice to each other, and don't do roof work when you're drunk. But for every thing I asked a prophet to write down, he'd add about a hundred things of his own, stuff about when his
neighbours should be smote and why his wife should do everything he said and so on.
A lot of those prophets were thwarted writers as well, and saw the Bible and Koran as a way of getting their potboilers published. All that begatting, and the swooping seraphim and wailing-and-gnashing -of-teeth business? All theirs. I was never really pushing for a Holy Book. I was thinking more Sensible Pamphlet.
The Ten Commandments, for instance -- what I originally dictated were The Four Suggestions. But then those prophets got hold of them and decided they'd punch them up and use them to spook their kids.
You know what I really want? I want a world where Friends isn't on 42 times a freaking day. I want rap and hip-hop artists to stop thanking me at their goddam award ceremonies. I HATE that music. Gimme Marvin Gaye, gimme some zydeco, gimme Bach. Here's a news flash for you, rappers and hip-hopsters, you're all going to Hell! So stop implicating me
every time you get an award.
And all those Aerosmith guys are going to hell too. Oh, and Christine Aguilera? Hell city, baby! Wacky morning DJs, the programmers at FOX, Elizabeth Hurley -- HELL, HELL, HELL!
Anyhow, I'm getting off on a rant here. But I want to let you in on something. All of those geezers who claw their way to the top of the religion heap and start pronouncing God wants this and God wants that -- extremely small penises. Tiny! Think about that the next time somebody starts shaking his Holy Book at you.
410-
In a small town in the south of Ireland, there were two churches, as there always are in small towns in the south of Ireland, a small, modest Protestant church and a large, fancy Catholic church.
On a certain Saturday, the Catholic priest came down with the flu and he called and asked the Protestant pastor to substitute for him at Mass on the following Sunday. The pastor told the priest that he would like to help, but he knew nothing of the Catholic faith or the rituals of the Mass. The Priest responded that there were several alter boys and priests in training who would help him through the rough spots, but he really needed the pastor, because a rousing sermon was the thing his congregation needed the most. Somewhat reluctantly, the pastor agreed.
The priest then asked him to do the confession after the Mass. At this, the pastor drew the line and said that confession was the one thing he would not do, first, because it was in conflict with his own faith and, second, he was certain that he could not keep all of the various penances straight. The priest responded that he too sometimes had difficulty remembering all of the various punishments, but he had written them all down in a small book, which he had hidden under the seat. If a person said: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I have done "this", "that" and "the other thing", he simply had to look them up and give the person his or her punishment. Still feeling somewhat uneasy about it, the pastor finally agreed.
On the next day, the mass went surprisingly well. The helpers helped him at all of the right times and the congregation responded to his sermon very well. He had chosen "The 10 Commandments" because it always goes over well. With slightly sweating palms, he finished the Mass and slowly made his way into the confessional booth.
The first person, a young woman, said: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I have done "A", "B" and "C"" and, sure enough, he found all of the sins and their individual punishments clearly written out in the priest's neat handwriting. It went the same way for each and every person that followed and he found that he rather enjoyed listening in to all of these people's private lives. Up to the last person, that is.
An older man came into the booth, sat down and began: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I know that I should not have done it but I have had anal intercourse once again." The pastor looked up "anal intercourse" in the book. It wasn't there! He fervently tried "sodomy", "butt fucking", "rectal sex" and everything else he could think of but none of them were in the book! He excused himself and ran into the priest's small office and called him on the telephone.
When the priest answered, he said: "Quick, tell me, what do you give for "anal sex"? The priest thought about it and responded, slowly: "Well, it all depends. Sometimes a candy bar. Sometimes an ice cream come. But usually not money."
411-
Sean is waiting for a bus when another man joins him at the bus stop. After 20 minutes of waiting, Sean takes out a sandwich from his lunch box and starts to eat. But noticing the other man watching, Sean asks, "Would you like one? My wife has made me plenty."
"Thank you very much, but I must decline your kind offer," says the other man, "I’m Rabbi Levy."
"Nice to meet you, Rabbi," says Sean, "but my sandwiches are alright for you to eat. They only contain cheese. There’s no meat in them."
"It’s very kind of you," says Rabbi Levy, "but today we Jews are celebrating Passover. It would be a great sin to eat a sandwich because during the 8 days of Passover, we cannot eat bread. In fact it would be a sin comparable to the sin of adultery."
"OK," says Sean, "but it’s difficult for me to understand the significance of what you’ve just said."
Many weeks later, Sean and Rabbi Levy meet again. Sean says, "Do you remember, Rabbi, that when we last met, I offered you a sandwich which you refused because you said eating bread on Passover would be as great a sin as that of adultery?"
Rabbi Levy replies, "Yes, I remember saying that."
"Well, Rabbi," says Sean, "that day, I went over to my mistress’s apartment and told her what you said. We then tried out both the sins, but I must admit, we just couldn’t see the comparison."
412-
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Indians had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Indian community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a debate with a member of the Indian community. If the Indian won, the Indians could stay. If the Pope won, the Indians would leave. The Indians realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Raj to represent them. Raj asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Raj and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Raj looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Raj pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.
Raj pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Indians can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to all religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Indian community had crowded around Raj. "What happened?" they asked. "Well" said Raj , "First he said to me that the Indians had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.
Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Indians. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd.
"I don't know", said Raj , "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!"
413-
"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
414-
The Pope was excited to visit Montana. He was cruising on a seldom used mountain road in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless tree-hugger, wearing sandals, shorts, and a "Bush Lied" T-shirt was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious tree-hugger from the bear's grasp.
Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured tree-hugger in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope", another replied, "He's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all of God's wisdom but he sure doesn't know a damn thing about bear hunting!"
"By the way, is the bait holding up or do we need to go back to Bozeman and grab another one?"
415-
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank
416-
The NAACP sent an agent to Alabama to check the progress in integration of churches. After a few weeks of checking around, he called head-quarters to file his report.
"How about the Catholics?" asks his boss.
"The Catholics are doing okay; they got the right idea."
"What about the Methodists?"
"They've come a long way," says the agent. "They're doing just fine."
"And the Baptists?" asks the boss.
"I just want to know one thing," he says... "When they baptize you, how long are they supposed to hold you under?"
417-
A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for
counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah'u'Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Allah'u'Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah'u'Akbar. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Allah'u'Akbar!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Allah'u'Akbar!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. Allah'u'Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing."
418-
There were four country churches in a small town:
The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church, the Anglican Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery.
The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free many miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- the Anglican Church came up with the best and most effective solution.
They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
419-
Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an un-sportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."
"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.
"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."
"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.
"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in a sensitive area."
"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"
"Southern Methodist."
"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."
420-
It’s bitterly cold outside the shul. Inside, Rabbi Bloom is getting fed up with the constant coughing that’s disturbing his sermon, so after the service ends, he goes over to old Hyman the shammes and tells him that he needs his help to solve the problem. Rabbi Bloom tells Hyman to have a large bowl of cough drops ready in shul for his next sermon and instructs him to give one cough drop to any shul member who begins coughing.
So next shabbes, during the rabbi’s sermon and following orders, every time a member coughs, Hyman walks over and hands out a cough drop. Rabbi Bloom watches this out of the corner of his eye and notices that each time Hyman does this, the member immediately gets up and walks out of the shul. At the end of the service, half the members are gone, so Rabbi Bloom goes over to Hyman and asks, "Nu, Hyman? So what did you say to the members that made them leave the shul?"
Hyman replies, "So vat did I say? All that I said wuz, 'the Rabbi said for cough’."
421-
An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals..!" He mused to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him and ran away as fast as he could up the path
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He tripped, fell to the ground and rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!" Time stopped! The bear froze! The forest was silent!
Then a really bright light shone upon the man, a huge voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? How am I to count you as a believer ..?"
The atheist squinted directly into the light and shouted: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"? "Very Well!" snapped the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed and the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and said: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen..."
422-
Genesis: The Modern Version
In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light.
And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And the Devil said, "There goes the neighbourhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."
And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?"
And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yoghurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to
change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another ten pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage
counsellor. And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.
And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn't help.
And God created exercise machines with easy payments.
And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.
And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.
423-
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the Church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B S. is
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
424-
After the miraculous landing of the stricken Air Blue plane at Los Angeles, reporters interviewed the passengers. The first one they talked to was a rabbi. "Your name, sir?"
"I am Rabbi Jacob Schwartz from Santa Monica"
"How did you feel when you became aware of the plane's problems?" the reporter asked.
"Well, I was a bit apprehensive, but I put my faith in God, and we were spared," he said.
The next person off the plane was wearing a collar. The reporter also asked him his name, "Father Daniel McCurdy of the Los Angeles Archdiocese" "and how did you feel as the plane circled about for three hours?"
"To be perfectly honest, I was pretty nervous about it, but I offered my prayers to the Lord, and He answered them."
The next person off the plane also was wearing a collar. "Your name, father?
"My name is William Jackson."
"Are you also with the LA Archdiocese?"
"No, I am an Ecopalian."
The reporter said, "Ecopalian??? I have never heard of that denomination"
"Coming down on that plane just scared the piss out of me."
425-
Movie superstar Samuel L. Jackson will be the voice of God in a new audio version of the Bible. Jackson was given the lead role because producers felt his deep,
authoratative voice was perfect for the role of God.
We've been able to get a few selections from the script for these audio scriptures....
Genesis 2:7 - "You see that tree over there? You will not eat that fruit, hell, you ain't even gonna touch it, or you gonna die, motherfucker."
Genesis 3 - "We got motherfuckin' snakes in the motherfuckin' garden!"
And the LORD said unto Cain, "Whattup, fool? Why you lookin' all hang-dog and shit?
And the LORD said, "Don't even be tryin' to bullshit the Lord. I know that you done smoked your brother and buried him in a shallow one in the field. So why you trying to run some kinda game on me, bitch?"
And the LORD said unto him, "Alright, you whiny little shit. Tell you what: anybody kills you, I'm gonna take care of his ass ... I'll kill him seven fuckin' times. And I'm gonna slap a mark on your ass so everybody knows you're in my mutherfuckin' doghouse, and nobody better lay a hand on you 'cept me. That good enough for your punk ass? Now get the fuck outta here before I change my mind and set your face on fire.
And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden.
426-
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you
labouring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these here are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
427-
A good woman died and went to Heaven. When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter offered to take her on a tour of the facilities. As they walked past the halo depository, she noticed a sort of fence off in the distance
Intrigued, she asked St. Peter if they could look at it. "What's a fence doing up here?" she asked.
"Oh, that's not exactly a fence," he replied. "It's a balcony railing. You see, some folks arrive here and find that certain friends or loved ones aren't here, and realize they must have gone to Hell. So we have an arrangement with the Adversary whereby our folks can stand at the railing and look down and find their loved ones."
So they approached the railing, and the woman looked down. She spotted a group of people wailing and tearing out their hair while demons poked them with pitchforks. "What's the matter with that group?" she asked. St. Peter took a look. "Ah," he said. "Those are Southern Baptists who went to dances."
Then she noticed another group, screaming while they walked on red-hot coals. "What are they being punished for?" she asked the saint. He looked and replied, "Those are old-style Catholics who ate meat on Friday."
Another group caught her attention. They were being whipped with scorpion tails, and screaming. "And their sin?" she asked. St. Peter looked and said, "Oh, those are Episcopalians who used the wrong fork."
428-
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."
After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Peter asks.
"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.
429-
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were all sitting at a table, finishing dinner and discussing theology. Suddenly an angel appeared before them.
"I have been sent to grant each of you one wish," he said. "Who will go first?"
The catholic priest stood up.
"I wish for the destruction of all protestants!"
Then the protestant minister bolted up.
"I wish for the destruction of all catholics!"
The rabbi kept seated, so the angel asked, "How about you? What do you wish for, Rabbi?"
The rabbi answered, "Well, if you're going to grant their wishes, I'll just settle for another cup of coffee."
430-
One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
431-
One Sunday morning the preacher got behind the pulpit and told the congregation, "today we are going to be like Catholics and have confession." One of the brothers said " what is confession, I never heard of it." The preacher said that's something that you have done bad in your life and never told. Today you are going to tell it." He said "sister Sadie tell us what you have done". She said "oh no brother, I can't tell that, it's too bad." The preacher
said "if you don't tell it the Lord will strike you dead before you get out of here, tell it" She
said, "since you put it like that I guess I have to tell. A couple of years ago I
committed adultery." The preacher said " praise the Lord sister you will be forgiven.
So it went all through the congregation, everybody confessing. Finally the preacher said "Leroy everybody else has confessed and you haven't said a word. Tell us what you have done." Leroy said " oh no preacher, I can't tell that, it's just too bad." The preacher said " Leroy, the Lord will forgive you, tell it." Leroy said, " no preacher I
ain't going to tell that, it's too bad." Preacher said, "Leroy if you don't tell it the Lord will strike you dead." Leroy said I still ain't going to tell it, it' too bad." Preacher said " Leroy, tell it or the Lord going to knock you on your ass before you can get out the door." Leroy said, "since you put it like that I guess I got to tell. Last week I screwed a goat." The preacher said, " Damned if I would've told that"
432-
Eve walks over to Adam in the Garden of Eden and kisses him passionately. "Wow," says Adam, "how did you learn to kiss like that?"
433-
There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said.......
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday"
434-
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting, then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in!
This is done by the chip monks
435-
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
436-
After the Great Flood Mr Noah approached his wife / live-in-partner / significant other, in some trepidation. We don't know for sure if they were married, co-habiting, or just very close friends, so we'll just call her 'Ms' in this story if that's OK with you. Anyway.. after Mr and Ms Noah had been adrift in the Ark for a week or two, Noah approached his female companion in some trepidation.
"Darling", he said with a perplexed frown, "There's a problem I simply can't keep from you any longer and it's getting worse." "Oh my..." replied Ms Noah. "What ever is it?" Mr Noah blushed and cleared his throat: "It's the animals, dearest." "Are they sick?" "No, they're all well" "Are they hungry?" "No, they all have plenty of food." "Are the dogs fighting with the cats again?" "No, my dearest one, peace reigns supreme in the sanctuary of the Lord."
"Then what's the matter?" "Haven't you noticed that the ark is listing a bit lately?" "Well, now you come to mention it, I had noticed a slight lean to port, but I thought it was just the wind." "No, it's not wind, dear, although the problem IS connected with..um..wind..." "Whatever do you mean? Don't talk in riddles, Noah!" "Sorry, my sweet. It's the—ahem, er..um, waste products." "Waste products, what 'waste' products?" "Er, you know, dear, waste. Animals produce, um..waste." "If you mean shit why not say shit, Noah?" Noah nodded. "Yes, it's the—the, er, shit, dear. I'm afraid that's what's making the ark list to port..." "Well why don't you distribute it equally between port and starboard?" "What a brilliant idea!" So Noah did as his wife suggested, but a week later he came to her again looking even more worried than before.
"What is it now?" "I'm afraid there's no more room on either side of the Ark for the er..um...shit. "Well pile it in the front and back then!" said Ms Noah brusquely. "Really, I have no idea why the Lord chose you. Your brain is like the four-headed man-eating Elephant Fish of Mount Ararat." "In what way, dear?" "It doesn't exist!"
"Noah did as his wife told him but within another week he was back again "I suppose you're going to tell me you've run out of places to store the shit?" "I'm afraid so", Said Mr Noah dejectedly.
Ms Noah's face turned purple and she slapped her husband. "Well -THROW THE FUCKING SHIT OVER THE SIDE WHY DON'T YOU!!!"
Noah did as she asked and 1,764 years later Christopher Columbus discovered it and called it AMERICA.
437-
God created man..... and He stepped back and said:
"This is an image of perfection indeed.
From the beautifully defined muscles,
to it's grinning shaggy head.
From the slightly furry torso,
to it's easy going tread.
Lets create something for it to wed."
So God went on to create a woman... and He stepped back and said:
"Oh good grief, this thing's going to have to wear make-up."
438-
Q. "Do you know why you should always invite TWO Baptists to go fishing with you?"
A. Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer. Invite two and they won't drink any."
439-
Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent.
To enter the convent's grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies.
As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I feel like a marine."
The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?"
440-
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for
them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any Indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious
behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
441-
Two deeply religious Irish retirees were sitting on a patio playing checkers and sipping fine Irish whiskey. They enjoyed the mid-day sun almost as much as much as watching the local citizens walk by.
A few minutes go by and a middle-aged women pushes a baby stroller past the patio.
The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
"Aye," says the other as he takes a pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a wee one."
"Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they go about their game of checkers.
A few minutes later, a young couple stroll down the avenue hand in hand, gazing deeply into each others eyes.
The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
"Aye," says the other as he takes another pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a lover."
"Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they do about their game of checkers.
A few more minutes later, a young lass wearing clothes scarcely covering her shapely curves stops in front of the patio, bends over in front of the Irishmen giving them full exposure to her lovely rear, and smells the flowers in a near flower bed and walks on.
The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
"I'm not rightly sure this time, Shamus," says the other as he takes yet another pull from his whiskey. "But if I am, I'll surely be
joinin' you in confession this afternoon."
442-
I was sitting outside one cloudy day, reminiscing on all the bad luck I was having. Everything was going wrong.
Feeling bad, I looked up to the heavens with outstretched arms and said, "Why me, Lord? Why me?"
All of a sudden there was a clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning, and as the clouds parted, a booming voice came down from the sky, and said, "Because, there's something about you that just pisses me off!"
443-
Last Sunday, the Gospel was the one about the ten bridesmaids. The five good bridesmaids remembered to take plenty of oil for their lamps; five bad bridesmaids did not.
The priest at our church is always very fiery and his sermons always end on a high note.
Last Sunday the priest ended with..."Where would you rather be? In the light with the five good bridesmaids or in the dark with the five bad bridesmaids?"
I wasn't the only one who got it wrong!
444-
On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jewish man who was now a very militant atheist. But he sent his son Morris to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it's a great school and completely secular. After a month, the boy came home and said casually, "By the way Dad, I learned what Trinity means! It means 'The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.'" The father could barely control his rage. He seized his son by the shoulders and declared, "Morris, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. Forget the Trinity business. 'There is only one God, and we don't believe in him!'"
445-
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.
"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.
"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.
"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.
"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."
The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."
The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."
"Well, now, that's a little more serious."
"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"
With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena."
"Father, I'm not sure what a 'novena' is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"
446-
Joe, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret.
"Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.
The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."
Joe thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.
The next day, Joe returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck.
Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish.
"Excuse me," asked Joe, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"
"Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."
"Hmm," thought Joe. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.
On the third day, Joe still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right.
Joe wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"
"No, I am a Rabbi."
447-
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good, because He wanted to encourage them....give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said? ............
.....OK, I was just wondering; I didn't get one either...
448-
Two priests are in a toilet using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a nicotine patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not down there!"
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."
449-
It was late at night as the Pope, who had departed this world, was approaching the gates of heaven. There was no one around, but there was a small shack just prior to the gates with a light on. The Pope stepped into the shack and startled a young man half asleep sitting at a small grey desk.
"Excuse me" said the Pope, "but I'm supposed to check in here with St. Peter, but there is no one at the gate." "Yea, Yea" said the young man, "Where are your orders?"
"I don't have any orders, " said the Pope.
"Well it's too late to check in tonight anyhow." said the young man, "Just go around to the back of the building, find a rack and dump your gear in a locker. St. Peter will be here in the morning and you can check in then."
The Pope grabs his stuff and walks around the building only to find a WWII style open bay barracks. The racks are stacked three high and the only open one is all the way at the end of the building, and its on top. He drags his stuff to the end of the building, but there is no locker for him. He takes a deep breath, thinks about it for a minute and decides this is just one final test. He crawls up into the rack and falls asleep.
Suddenly he is awakened by a loud commotion outside the barracks. As he walks outside he sees a huge crowd of angels cheering and clapping as a gold convertible limousine approaches. As it draws nearer, the Pope sees a guy in a flight suit and Navy leather flight jacket in the back seat with a beautiful angel on each arm, a beer in his hand and he is smoking one of the biggest cigars the Pope has ever seen. The Pope turns to the young man who checked him in and asks, "Who is that guy?" "A Naval Aviator," the young man replies.
The Pope says, "I don't get it. I worked hard all of my life to do God's work on earth. As a young man I studied hard at the seminary, as a priest I
laboured hard to tend my flock and provide guidance when they strayed. I struggled as a bishop to serve the church and as Pope, I was able to attract more followers of the faith. Yet, when I reach heaven, St. Peter isn't here to greet me. I have to carry my own bags. I'm stuck in the top rack of an open bay barracks and I don't even have a locker for my bags!"
The young man looks at the Pope and says. "Look, we get a Pope every 20-30 years, but he is the only Naval Aviator who has ever made it!"
450-
A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven. St Peter met him at the door. "You can't come in here," Peter said.
The Pagan asked why.
"You're Pagan... sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it's cool."
The Pagan is depressed but goes anyway, because he was, well, Pagan. So he goes to Hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicking and having a great time. A man in a white comes over to him and presents himself as Satan, and the Devil tells him of all the delights in what appears to be a 5 star resort.
"Wow!" thinks the Pagan. "Hell ain't so bad! I'm happy to be here."
Suddenly, the sky gets black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming, flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the earth. After he disappears, everything returns to normal.
"What the heck was that?!" the Pagan asks Satan.
Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have Hell any other way."
451-
An old Jewish man, Mr. Goldberg, dies and his family is planning the funeral. The local rabbi, they discover, is on a trip to Israel. After many telephone calls, they manage to reach a rabbi from the next town; he agrees to officiate at the funeral the next day. After chanting the "Kaddish" and "El Molay Rachamim" the rabbi begins his eulogy.
"We are here to mourn the passing of our friend, Mr. Goldberg, a respected citizen and honored member of the community," Suddenly, an old man jumps up and says, "What are you talking about, Rabbi? This man was a gonnif, a momzer, and would cheat his own grandmother for fifty cents!
"The rabbi decides to take another approach, "We are here to mourn the passing of our friend Mr. Goldberg, a patron of the synagogue and dedicated Talmudic scholar."
Again the old man jumps up and says, "Are you meshuggeh, Rabbi? This man hasn't been in a shul since his bar mitzvah!"
Again, the rabbi begins his eulogy, "We are here to mourn the passing of our friend, Mr. Goldberg, a loving husband and dedicated father." Once again the old man jumps up and says, "Rabbi, you obviously didn't know Goldberg. He cheated on his wife whenever he could and he never had time to spend with his children!"
At this point, the rabbi is at a loss for words. Finally, he says, "My friends, have we not as Jews suffered from the insults and prejudices of our
neighbours? Must we stoop to their level and speak ill of our own people? Surely, there is someone in this congregation who knew Mr. Goldberg and can say something good and kind about his life."
After an entire minute of silence, the old man stands up again and says, "His brother was worse!"
452-
So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he patiently waits for St. Peter to look up from his work. Finally, he gives the Irishman his attention. "And you are?" St. Peter asks.
"I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman.
"Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused, poring over his compendious list of people and events. "Ah, here we are. Kevin O'Conlan, you're a member of the Irish Republican Army."
"Yeh, that'd be me," replies Kevin.
"You blew up that pub in London!"
"Yeh."
"You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions transport in Northumberland."
"Yeh, that's all me work," comes the nonplussed reply.
St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds words, he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in heaven !"
"Let me in? No way Pete!" says Kevin. "I come to tell you you've all got twelve minutes to get out!"
453-
Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful."
"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father?......... Father?"
Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
454-
In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo, they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled-off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" and Man replied: "Yes, And super size 'em". And Satan said: "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then Satan chuckled once more and created the National Health Service!
455-
After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my
favourite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed ... "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was! God is so Good
456-
Three truck drivers die and got to meet God for admittance. God asks the first driver if he had ever cheated on his log books, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife. He replied that he would never consider such conduct and that he was a good man. God told him to go stand on this big X on the floor.
God asked the second driver if he had ever cheated on his log book, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife. He replied 'Oh No I would never do any such thing" God told him to stand next to the first driver on the X.
God then asked the third driver if he had ever cheated on his log book, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife. He explained that as much as he regretted it he had falsified his log book, and taken some little white pills because there was the cutest little blonde honey in Dallas that he had ever seen.
At this point God pressed a button and the first two drivers fell through a hole that opened under them. The third driver, startled, asked what happens now?
God said "well those two liars are going to Hell and you and me are going to Dallas.
457-
There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..
In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter
Not much was heard about THE JEWISH SYNAGOGUE, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since
458-
Three guys from the North country all showed up at the Pearly Gates at about the same time. Saint Peter came out to meet them and to ask them some questions. He asked each one how they managed to arrive at the Pearly Gates. The first one said, "Well, I'm a trapper and was out checking my trap line. As I rode my horse along the edge of this canyon, I heard a horse racing down the canyon below. I looked over the edge and here came this man, stark naked riding his horse at full speed down the canyon with his shirt held above his head and the wind blowing it straight out behind him. I thought it was terrible that he was flaunting himself so brazenly, not knowing if there might be some ladies coming down the canyon, and since there happened to be an outhouse setting there, I pushed it over the rim on top of him, killing him. After thinking for a few minutes I realized that I didn't know the circumstances and I shouldn't have caused the mans death. I was so remorseful that I flung myself over the cliff in shame , And, Saint Peter, that is how I got here." Saint Peter told him that since he did show remorse, even though what he did was very wrong, he would let him go on in to Heaven. The second man said, "Well, I'm a trapper too, and I was running my trapline at the bottom of this canyon and I found a very large angry skunk in one of my traps. Before I could get close enough to club him, he sprayed me all over with his scent. I got sick and was puking and almost unable to breathe, so I stripped off my clothes, and took a bath in the creek, washed my clothes and since I figured there was nobody within miles, I would ride towards home naked, until my clothes I was holding over my shoulder dried. I thought if I rode fast, the air would dry them faster. Then out of nowhere, this outhouse fell on me and, Saint Peter, that is how I got here. Saint Peter told him that since he didn't do anything wrong, that he could go on in to Heaven. The third man said, Well, Saint Peter, I am a trapper too, and I was riding along the rim of this canyon, looking for a good place to take a crap, and all of a sudden I saw this outhouse.
459-
A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.
"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
460-
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.....for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together FOREVER?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering: what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
461-
In the beginning there was the Void, and you couldn't find a decent bloody beer, or for that matter, anything else decent anywhere. Then God spake, saying unto the Cosmos "I want a decent bloody biscuit!" And chocolate chip bickies appeared.
God tasted them and they were chewy and fatty and rich - and God saw that they were good.
Then God looked forth for someone to tell how good the bloody beaut bickies were, but there was Void, and fuck-all else, so God created a place, and called it "Here."
And then, probably because he was bored shitless, God caused to appear a man, right here, and called him "You." Then God spake, "Hey You, try one of these bloody beaut bickies, they're great!"
"You" partook of the bloody beaut bickies, and raved as to the goodness thereof. Then "You" looked for someone else to tell about the wondrous bloody beaut bickies of chocolate chip, but there was no one but him and God, and God already knew of them.
So "You" spake unto God, beseeching, "Who can I tell about these bloody beaut bickies?"
With this in mind, God created woman, and called her "Wowza," for her form was exceedingly fair to look upon. "You" then spake unto her and said, "Wowza, you bloody well have to try one of these bloody beaut bickies!"
"Wowza" partook of the bloody beaut bickies, and said "Yeah well, they're OK." Then she hid herself from "You" and God, and ate the entire box of bloody beaut bickies
As a result God waxed wrathful and spake, "You! Where are my bloody beaut bickies?"
"You" turned and cried, "Wowza! the bitch - She fucken gutzed the whole box!"
For this God sent forth a curse of biblical proportion called "cellulite" and smote "Wowza" horrendously on each of her hips, causing "You" to look upon her and go "Fuck me! What a fat bitch"
Then Satan, He of rice cakes and Iceberg lettuce set, did appear and sent to "Wowza" a divorce lawyer to comfort her in her grief.
And thus did "Here" become a place of bedevilment and God quoth, "Next time, I'll send out for pizza, and I'll be buggered if I am telling anyone, including "You"
Thus, it is written ...
462-
Two beggars in Rome are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?
463-
It is the year 25 after Christ's birth and Mother Mary is worried. Her son has not had any contact
with women whatsoever and she orders Mary Magdalene to organize the sleaziest hooker of all of Bethlehem for her son.
Amen: She arrived, grabbed the young man's hand after an approving and obviously favourable look and dragged him into the bedroom. The door closed and all was calm until the door flew back open again and the prostitute came running out of the bedroom screaming and cursing and leaving the house.
Mother Mary was a bit taken aback and went to talk to her son who was lying on the bed, chewing an apple and obviously being quite content with himself.
"What happened here?" she asked.
Jesus looked at her surprised "I don't know. It all went exactly the way the other guys always said it would be. She looked me in the eyes, I looked her in the eyes. She kissed me, I kissed her back. She started to pet me, so I pet her. Her hand went up my thigh and so did mine on hers. Then her hand went between my legs and my hand went between her legs."
"Then what?" Mary pressed on.
"Then," Jesus continued, "I felt that she was amputated there and so I healed her."
464-
Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear die and go to heaven. They are greeted by St. Peter who says to Hef,
"You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your pornography. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without having even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth for all eternity."
Hef decides that this will be easy, for the tunnel is only 100 feet long. So he begins down the tunnel with St. Peter following close behind. About half way down the tunnel St. Peter leans closer to Hef and whispers in his ear... "Tits"
A trap door opens and Hef falls down into Hell.
St. Peter then goes to Heather Locklear and says,
"You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your sexy looks and provocative
behaviour. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without having even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth for all eternity."
Heather begins her trek down the tunnel with St. Peter close behind. About half way down St. Peter leans closer to Heather to whisper in her ear.
A trap door opens and St. Peter falls down into Hell.
465-
A crusty old battleship admiral died and found himself standing before Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter welcomed him warmly, "Come right in, Admiral! You've served your country well and you may enter Heaven!"
The admiral looked thru the gates and stepped up to Saint Peter, "Just one thing, sonny. I hope there's no Chiefs here. They are the rudest, most obnoxious variety of human ever, and if there are any of them here, I'm not going in; I'd rather go to the other place."
"Don't worry, admiral," said Saint Peter. "No Chief has ever made it into Heaven. You'll find none of 'em here."
So, the admiral goes on into Heaven. Moments later, he comes upon an amazing sight. It is a swaggering figure in a khakis, garrison cap cocked slightly on his head, a mostly empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, and a beautiful woman on either arm. Incensed, the admiral rushes back to Saint Peter and gets in his face. "Hey! You said there were no Chiefs here! So what the hell is THAT?!?"
"Don't worry, admiral," says Saint Peter gently. "That's God. He just THINKS he's a Chief."
466-
There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South. One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items.
This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears.
Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk could hardly contain himself. "Are you a Quaker"? he asked as he was trying to ring up the merchandise.
"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.
"No joke?" asked the clerk, "You're really a real Quaker?"
The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a real Quaker."
"Wow!" the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked the clerk.
The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise to be tallied up. As clerk finished ringing up the sale he said, "Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?"
The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy. The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply. The man said, "Screw Thee."
467-
A Texan arrives at a New York Hotel, checks in and tells the desk clerk to send up a bottle of good whiskey and a woman to his room. In a short while, someone knocks on his door. When he opens it, there stands an attractive lady in a Salvation Army uniform. He looks surprised but invites her in. She says, "You asked for a lady, didn't you?" He says, "Well, Yes", so she begins to disrobe. When she is almost undressed, she stops suddenly and says, "By the way, are you married or single?" He says, "I'm married" so she starts to put all her clothes back on. "What the Hell?", the Texan asks. Her reply, "We're strictly for the needy, not the greedy".
468-
Top Ten Sayings of Biblical Mothers
10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8)
9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol' furnace!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)
3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder!
(Mark 3:17)
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?
1. Moses, Quit setting fire to the bushes!
469-
Two rabbis, one Reformed and the other Orthodox, were discussing their respective congregations one day.
The Reformed rabbi asked the Orthodox leader, "Why don't you let the men and women of your congregation sit together, as they do in my temple?"
The Orthodox rabbi, known for his sense of humour, replied, "If you want to know the truth, I don't really mind them sitting together at all. But, you see, my sermons aren't that interesting and I just can't have them sleeping together"
470-
You Know You're An Old Catholic If:
You still think the secret problem of priests is alcoholism.
You remember when Nuns wore habits.
You think "No meat on Fridays" has nothing to do with oral sex.
You remember the days of altar boys instead of altered boys.
You think "Mother Superior" is more than a term of hooker endearment.
You think the primacy of Peter had nothing to do Lorena Bobbit.
You answer "yes" to both: "Does a bear eat in the woods?," and "Is the Pope Italian?"
You remember the days when confessions did not start out with: "You have the right to remain silent."
You remember when a red sash around a priest's waist did not mean he was gay.
You think a man dressed in black was not a member of the SWAT team.
You remember when kneelers were in church, not in the Oval Office.
You remember when Cardinals were birds of pray, not prey.
You remember when Holy Water was not from golden showers.
You remember the days before Bingo was made a sacrament.
You remember when "Love one another" did not mean "Orgy Time!"
You remember when Amazing Grace was not the name of every tenth stripper.
You remember when "Father" was a religious title, not the results of a court-ordered DNA test.
You remember when "Mother" was also a religious title, not the first name of really bad people .
You remember when I could get out of this joke by saying three "Hail Mary's."
471-
Signs your church has sold out to corporate sponsors.
- Nike "swoosh" on the cross
- Communion now sponsored by Welch's Grape Juice
- Taco Bell's talking dog now reading announcements
- In Christmas play, Joseph seen drinking can of Coke.
- Greeters all dressed like Mr. Goodwrench
- Personal pew licenses now sold
- Baptisms include dolphin show from Sea World
- Statue of Moses seen holding keys to a Jeep
- The 12 disciples replaced by Disney characters
- Scripture verses brought to you by Windows 'XP
- Pastor doing subliminal product messages during sermon
- Bulletin has coupon section
- Choir members wear Dockers and Tommy H shirts
- In the restrooms, an attendant hands you a towel
- There is a credit card swiper on the collection plate
- Offering envelopes bearing Visa or Mastercard emblems on them
- Handicap parking sponsored by the Family Medical Group, LLC
- Wednesday night suppers sponsored by KFC
- Sunday morning televised services sponsored by the FOX network
- Church vans traded in for red Ford Broncos
- Church bell chimes to the tune of the NBC chimes
- Choir robes with the Lands' End emblem on front
- Sunday bulletins with the CNN logo
- Free Perrier at all baptisms
472-
The preacher got up in church one Sunday morning and told the congregation, "Brothers and sisters, we are going to have to do something about people parking behind the church at night. I was out there this morning and there are enough beer cans out there to build a car."
One of the old sisters stood up and said, "Amen brother and enough rubbers to put tyres on it."
473-
I think if I could ask God just one question, it would have to be:
"Just what were you thinking of when you came up with the idea for pubic hair?"
474-
A missionary heard about a native who had five wives. He paid a visit to the natives hut. Sure enough he had five wives. The two men sat outside the hut and talked. "You are violating a law of God. Man can only have one wife, " the missionary said," so you must go and tell four of those women you can no longer live here or consider you their husband."
The native thought a few moments, then said, "Me wait here. You tell 'em."
475-
While attending classes to convert to Catholicism, the Yuppie couple learned they were to practice the rhythm method of birth control.
So they hired a three-piece combo for their bedroom.
476-
Two paedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacy knickers on the ground.
The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl."
The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!"
The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on.
The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about.
The first paedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says:
"Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!"
477-
A Lutheran's Guide to the Orchestra
To each person, God gives some talent such as comedy, just to name one, or the ability to suffer, and to some persons God has given musical talent, though not to as many as think so. So for a young Lutheran considering an orchestral career, the first question to ask yourself is, "Do I have a genuine God-given talent, or do I only seem talented compared to other young Lutherans?" Because most Lutherans aren't musicians, they're choir members. Mostly altos and basses. And they can be sure that their gift is God-given, because who else but God would be interested?
Nobody goes into choir music for the wrong reasons. But orchestra... do you know what you're getting into? You're getting into opera for one thing. Don Juan and Mephistopheles, pagan goddesses screeching and being strangled and thrown off balconies. And even if you stick to concert music, where are the Christian composers? Modern ones are existentialists, the romantics were secular humanists, the 18th century was all rationalists, and the 17th were Italian except for Bach. And you can't make a living playing Bach. In the Bible, we read about people singing and playing musical instruments, including the harp, the last trump, the cymbal, the psaltery. But in the Bible, music was in praise of the Lord, not for amusement. We don't read that our Lord Himself ever played an instrument or enjoyed hearing other people play theirs. The apostles did not attend concerts. They weren't in the arts - maybe there's a reason for that. You play in an orchestra, you're going to be devoting your life to music that sort of swirls around in spiritual mystery. Searching for answers that people could find in the Epistle to the Romans if somebody just showed them where it is.
But if you're determined to play in an orchestra, then you ought to ask yourself, "Which instrument is the best one for a Lutheran to play?" Which instrument would our Lord have chosen, assuming He played an instrument? And assuming He was Lutheran.
Probably not a French horn: the French horn takes too much of a person's life. French horn players hardly have time to marry and have children. The French horn is practically a religious belief all by itself. In some orchestras, the horn players are required to be celibate - sometimes by their wives. Because they think about the horn all the time anyway.
Should a Lutheran play the bassoon? Not if you want to be taken seriously, I don't think so. The name kind of says it all: bassoon. It's an instrument that isn't playing with a full deck of marbles. Maybe it's something you'd do for a hobby ("Hey honey, let's go bassooning this weekend!"), but not as your life's work. Some bassoonists filling out applications for home loans just say "orthodontist."
Many Lutherans start out playing clarinets in marching band and think of it as a pretty good instrument and kind of sociable. You pick up a clarinet, and you feel like getting together with other people and forming an "M." But the symphonic clarinet is different: clever, sarcastic, kind of snooty. It's a nice small town instrument that went to college and after that you can't get a simple answer out of them. It is a French instrument, you know. Ever wonder why there are no French Lutherans? Probably the wine wasn't good enough for them.
The oboe is the sensualist of the woodwind section, and if there is one wind Lutherans should avoid, it's probably this one. In movie soundtracks, you tend to hear the oboe when the woman is taking her clothes off. Also a little later when she asks the man for a cigarette. You start playing the oboe, you're going to have babies, take my word for it.
The English horn [cor anglais] sounds Christian, maybe because we think of it as the Anglican horn, but it's so mournful, so plaintive. And so are English horn players. They all have deep complicated problems. They're all down in the dumps, especially at night, which is when most concerts are. Maybe because they want what oboists have, I don't know.
The flute is the show-off of the wind section, the big shot: Jean-Pierre Rampal, James Galway - both millionaires. (How many millionaire bassoonists can you name real fast?) Well, that's fine. Everybody knows it's the hardest, blowing across a tiny hole with your head tilted all your life: it's like soloing on a pop bottle. The problem with the flute is that it vibrates your brain, and you start wearing big white caftans and smocks and eat roots and berries. You become a pantheist and sit in meadows, and you believe that all is one and God is everything - God is a column of air vibrating - and you know that's not right.
The last member of the woodwind family is the flakiest and that's the piccolo. It's never in tune. Never has been, never will be. All you can play with it is the blues. Which, being a Lutheran, we don't have anyway.
We come now to the string section. Strings are mentioned in scripture and some young Christians are tempted to become string players. But you want to be careful. Bass, for example. A very deliberate instrument, the
plough horse of the orchestra: and bass players do tend to be more methodical, not so spontaneous or witty or brilliant necessarily, but reliable. Which makes the instrument appealing to German Lutherans. And yet bass notes do have a certain texture and a tone, a darkness, a depth that - my gosh, when you see those guys pick up their bows back there, doesn't it make you think the same thing that I do? And if we do, just think what they're thinking about...
The cello section seems pleasant, and cellists seem like such nice people. The way they put their arms around their instruments, they look like parents at a day care
centre zipping up snowsuits. They seem like us: comfortable, mid-range, able to see both sides of things. And yet, there's something about the cello that's hard to put your fingers on. It just doesn't seem right. Maybe, it's the way they hold the instrument the way they do. Why can't they hold it across their laps? Or beside themselves? I'm only asking.
The viola section is no place for a Lutheran and here you have to take my word for it, because I know violists and they're okay until late at night, they like to build a fire in a vacant lot and drink red wine and roast a chicken on a clothes hanger and talk about going to Mexico with somebody named Rita. Violists have this dark, moody, gypsy streak, especially when they get older, and they realize that their instrument for some reason cannot be heard beyond the stage. You think you hear the violas, but it's really the second violins.
The first violin is a problem for a Christian because it's a solo virtuoso instrument and we Christians are humble and decent people. The first violins see the maestro look to them first, and most of them believe that he secretly takes his cue from watching their bows go up and down. The maestro, who has a great nimbus of hair and is here on a temporary work permit, is hypnotized by listening to the violins and forgets which page he's on and looks to the violins to find out what's going on - this is what most violinists believe in their hearts. That if the maestro dropped dead, the orchestra would just follow the violins while his little body was carried off into the wings, and nobody in the audience would notice any difference except that now they would have an unobstructed view of the violin section. Is this a place for a Lutheran to be? Did our Lord say "Blessed are they who stand up in front and take deep bows for they shall receive bigger fees?" No, He did not.
The second violin section is attractive to Lutherans because these people are steady, supportive and helpful, but look who it is they help - they help out the first violins. You want to play second fiddle to that crowd? (No, I hope not.) One thing you may not know about second violins is that the parts are so easy they never practice and they wind up staying out late in singles bars on the freeway near the airport and dancing with software salesmen. But I g uess that's their way.
Let's be clear about one thing about the brass section. The rest of the orchestra wishes the brass were playing in another room. So does the conductor. His back is toward you so that you can't see what he's saying to them but what he's saying is, "Would you mind taking that thing outside?" The brass section is made up of men who were at one time in the construction trades. They went into music because the hours are better and there's less dust. They're heavy dudes and that's why composers wrote so few notes for them. Because after they play, you can't hear for a while.
The tuba player is normally a stocky, bearded guy whose hobby is plumbing. The only member of the orchestra who bowls over 250 and gets his deer every year and changes his own oil. In his locker downstairs, he keeps a pair of lederhosen for free-lance jobs. Anyway, there's only one tuba in the bunch and he's it.
The trombonist is a humorist, sort of the brother-in-law of the orchestra. He carries a water spray gun to keep his slide moist and often uses it against his
neighbours. That's why they duck down back there. He's nobody you'd ever want to see become artistic director; you just hope he doesn't sit right behind you.
The trumpet is the brass instrument you imagine as Christian, thinking of Gideon and Gabriel, and then you meet one in real life, and you realize how driven these people are. They don't want to wear black tie; they want to wear capes and swords and tassels; they want to play as loud as they can and see mallards drop from the ceiling. Of the people who've keeled over dead at orchestra concerts, most of them were killed by a long trumpet passage. And most of them were glad to go.
There are two places in the orchestra for a Lutheran and one is the percussion section. It's the most Christian instrument there is. Percussionists are endlessly patient because they hardly ever get to play. Pages and pages of music go by when the violins are sawing away and the winds are tooting and the brass are blasting, and the percussionist sits there and counts the bars like a hunter in the blind waiting for a grouse to appear. A percussionist may have to wait for twenty minutes just to play a few beats, but those beats have to be exact, and they have to be passionate, climactic. All that the Epistles of Paul say a Christian should be - faithful, waiting, trusting, filled with
fervour - are the qualities of the good percussionist.
The other Lutheran instrument, of course, is the harp. It's a good instrument for any Christian because it keeps you humble and keeps you at home. You can't run around with a harp. Having one is like living with an elderly parent in very poor health: it's hard to get them in and out of cars, and it's hard to keep them happy. It takes fourteen hours to tune a harp, which remains in tune for about twenty minutes, or until somebody opens the door. It's an instrument for a saint. If a harpist could find a good percussionist, they wouldn't need anybody else. They could settle down and make perfectly good music, just the two of them.
478-
The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his office.
This is how their conversation went:
"Sister, I want to show you something."
"What is it, Father?
"Come into my private room & close the blinds."
"WHAT?!"
"I said....."
"I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!"
"Well, I really need you to come in."
Curious, the nun does as she is told.
"Here, sit on the bed beside me."
"I have to get out of here."
"Aren't you the least bit curious?"
Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.
"Get under the covers."
"WHAT?????!!!!!"
The nun was really freaking out.
"It doesn't work otherwise!"
After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.
He whispers: "Come closer."
Nervously, she does get closer.
"See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch does glow in the dark!!!!"
479-
What's the two signs a Catholic Priest is a paedophile?
1) He's Catholic.
2) He's a Priest.
480-
YARD WORK AS VIEWED FROM HEAVEN
(Overheard in a conversation between God and St. Francis)
God: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature; what in the world is going on down there in the U.S.? What happened to the dandelions,
violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought, and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees, and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of
colour by now. All I see are patches of green.
St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
God: Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass growing?
St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little, they cut it....sometimes two times a week.
God: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?
St Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
St. Francis: No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight. . . they fertilize it to make it grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
St. Francis: Yes, sir.
God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
St. Fran You aren't going to believe this Lord, but when the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
God: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the
soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
St. Francis: You'd better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
God: No way! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
St Francis: After throwing the leaves away, they go out and buy something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
God: And where do they get this mulch?
St. Francis: They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch.
God: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
St. Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid movie about. . .
God: Never mind--I think I just heard the whole story from Saint Francis!
481-
One day Jesus was sitting in heaven talking to God about the world and how it had become divided by war and religion.
"You know I was thinking Father, the people of the world have lost their way and forgotten who I am."
God replied: "Son, we've been through worse times than this! Go down to Earth and visit your people, you'll see."
So Jesus leaves and goes to earth the next day. First Jesus visits a Baptist Church, and walks up to the preacher.
"Do you know who I am?"
The preacher replies "No Sir, I don't think I do."
So Jesus leaves distressed and goes to a Catholic Church and says to the priest: "Do you know who I am?"
The priest says "You look familiar Sir, but no I don't".
By this point Jesus is really pissed off because no-one seems to know who he is, so he goes to a Synagogue. He walks in and says "Do YOU know who I am?"
The Rabbi says "Well you look familiar, but let me see you in profile."
So Jesus turns to the side.
"Hmmm, not yet. Let me see the other side of your face".
So Jesus turns again.
"Well you look familiar, but I need to be sure. Come here against this wall, spread out your arms, and put your feet together."
Jesus stands against the wall, spreads his arms and puts his feet
together....the Rabbi grabs a hammer and three nails and goes BAM! BAM! BAM! "GOT YOU AGAIN YOU SON OF A BITCH.
482-
A priest is playing golf, followed by his devoted caddie. He takes a swing and hits the ball. But while in the air, the wind starts to blow and the balls falls in a lake. The priest, very mad, says, "damn wind!!" The caddie, surprised, says "Sir, please, why did you
use such profanity?!" The priest asks the caddie to forgive him, gets on his knees and prays for forgiveness from God.
A little later, the priest hits another good drive. Again, the wind starts to blow and this time the ball falls in the woods. The priest sighs and again, says : "damn wind!!" The caddie, just as surprised as the first time, says, "Sir, please, do stop
this profanity!" The priest then looks at his caddie, and raises his hands towards the sky, asking God to forgive him.
Suddenly, the sky covers with grey and dark clouds, there's a clap of thunder, and a lightning bolt strikes the caddie to death. The priest, not believing his eyes, falls to his knees and screams to the sky : "Oh Lord, what has this poor man done to make you so mad? God, I am the one who sinned! My poor caddie did not deserve such a death!"
Then, a loud roar came from the sky. The priest hid his head under his arms, scared of dying, only to hear a loud voice say, "damn
wind".
483-
On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football." And it was good.
Later that day, God said, "Let there be one team to rule the others and set the standard for excellence."
With that, he plucked a star from the heavens and placed it on the helmet of silver and blue.
God said, "Let it be called, 'The Dallas Cowboys' -America's team."
Later that day, God said, "Even Cowboys need assholes."
So he made their fans.
484-
On the first night he pulled his revival meeting tent into the Southern town, Preacher Bob had a full house. After a long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been he'in and she'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus."
The next night the revival tent is only half full.
After going through the same long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been he'in and he'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus."
The next night the revival tent in only one quarter full.
After going through the long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting the third night, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been she'in and she'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus."
The next night there is only one man left in the audience. It was ol' Klem, a middle aged virgin due to his lack of sex appeal, even by hillbilly standards.
Preacher Bob says, "Now brother, you should feel proud that you are still able to come to this tent tonight. I want you to testify! Testify how it is that you are able to join me tonight in this holy tent!"
Klem responds, "Shit preacher, you didn't say nothin' bout me-in and me-in!"
485-
Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting, but when he gets to his
favourite field he sees the village priest is already there. Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out. The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack. He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits. Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it. Easy, says the priest. Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole. They can't resist the smell, so when they come out grab them." Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor. He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed. Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting
again?"
486-
Jesus' disciple, Peter is watching his master being crucified from the bottom of the hill. Suddenly he hears Jesus call to him, "Peter...Peter!" He
immediately starts running up the hill.
A roman soldier blocks his path, "You can't come up here!" the soldier tells him.
Peter exclaims, "But my lord is calling me! I must go to him!" and tries to push past the soldier. The soldier takes a club from his belt and smacks Peter round the head with it.
Peter falls to the ground, dazed, but he hears Jesus calling to him again "Peter...Peter!" so he gets up and starts running again. A second roman soldier blocks his path.
The soldier tells him "You can't come up here" but again, Peter tries to protest and push past him. The soldier takes his sword from his belt and cuts Peter's arm off.
Peter collapses in agony, but he hears Jesus calling to him again so he picks himself up and starts climbing up the rest of hill.
Peter is only a few yards from the cross and seeing a third soldier he staggers around him as fast as he can. The soldier picks up a spear and throws it at him. The spear hits Peter through the back just as he reaches
Jesus' feet. Peter looks up at Jesus and asks him, "Lord...you called for me...I am here..."
Jesus looks down at his disciple and says "Peter...Peter...I can see your house from up here."
487-
How to get rid of Jehovah's Witnesses:
1.Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry. (immediate results)
2.Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of charity lasts.
3.Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.
4.Ask them to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the "Alpha & Omega's" identity (Jesus or God), repeat constantly. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.
5.Excuse yourself from your sitting room (or wherever) ... and don't come back.
6.Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls. (bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)
7.Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.
8.Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.
9.(males only) Feign an intense interest in their spiel. Part way through, begin putting on make-up,
hosiery, a dress, the whole works. (make encouraging noises [uh huh, I see...] throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7) If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.
10.Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.
488-
M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.
The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking."
M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn't.
M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again.
"Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response.
"Is James there yet?" asks M. Again the answer is no.
M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.
"Hello, Mary speaking¦"
489-
In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the
building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made it's way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't.
490-
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.
Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend , or deny... He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... Walked home.. And left it there all night.
491-
God and Moses were out golfing. They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole.
It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.
Moses said, "God, every time you use your driver you always slice it."
So God said, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he approached the ball. Got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right,
SPLASH! Right in the middle of the lake.
So Moses said, "See God, I told you that would happen. I'll get it this time but you'll have to get it next time." So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back. After that, everything was going fine.
Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver.
Moses said, "God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it."
And God repeated, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!
Moses said, "I got the last one." So God walked on the water, bent over, picked up the ball. About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?"
Moses replied, "No. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
492-
A Catholic boy lying is seriously injured after being hit by a car outside a church.
A man runs to him and says, "Would you like me to fetch a priest, my son?"
The boy replies, "Can't you see I'm fucking dying? Sex is the last thing on my mind."
493-
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there Is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door And Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come On in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?"
494-
My co-worker and I were making a sales call to a rural Baptist church. We gave our presentation to the church committee, and then the group's chairman walked down to the altar and knelt down.
After a minute of silent prayer, he returned and announced in a solemn tone, "The Lord tells me we should wait."
My colleague responded by walking to the altar and kneeling down himself. Then he returned to the group, looked at the chairman, and declared, "He wants to talk with you again."
495-
Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day.
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
496-
A Lutheran's Guide to the Orchestra
To each person, God gives some talent such as comedy, just to name one, or the ability to suffer, and to some persons God has given musical talent, though not to as many as think so. So for a young Lutheran considering an orchestral career, the first question to ask yourself is, "Do I have a genuine God-given talent, or do I only seem talented compared to other young Lutherans?" Because most Lutherans aren't musicians, they're choir members. Mostly altos and basses. And they can be sure that their gift is God-given, because who else but God would be interested?
Nobody goes into choir music for the wrong reasons. But orchestra... do you know what you're getting into? You're getting into opera for one thing. Don Juan and Mephistopheles, pagan goddesses screeching and being strangled and thrown off balconies. And even if you stick to concert music, where are the Christian composers? Modern ones are existentialists, the romantics were secular humanists, the 18th century was all rationalists, and the 17th were Italian except for Bach. And you can't make a living playing Bach. In the Bible, we read about people singing and playing musical instruments, including the harp, the last trump, the cymbal, the psaltery. But in the Bible, music was in praise of the Lord, not for amusement. We don't read that our Lord Himself ever played an instrument or enjoyed hearing other people play theirs. The apostles did not attend concerts. They weren't in the arts - maybe there's a reason for that. You play in an orchestra, you're going to be devoting your life to music that sort of swirls around in spiritual mystery. Searching for answers that people could find in the Epistle to the Romans if somebody just showed them where it is.
But if you're determined to play in an orchestra, then you ought to ask yourself, "Which instrument is the best one for a Lutheran to play?" Which instrument would our Lord have chosen, assuming He played an instrument? And assuming He was Lutheran.
Probably not a French horn: the French horn takes too much of a person's life. French horn players hardly have time to marry and have children. The French horn is practically a religious belief all by itself. In some orchestras, the horn players are required to be celibate - sometimes by their wives. Because they think about the horn all the time anyway.
Should a Lutheran play the bassoon? Not if you want to be taken seriously, I don't think so. The name kind of says it all: bassoon. It's an instrument that isn't playing with a full deck of marbles. Maybe it's something you'd do for a hobby ("Hey honey, let's go bassooning this weekend!"), but not as your life's work. Some bassoonists filling out applications for home loans just say "orthodontist."
Many Lutherans start out playing clarinets in marching band and think of it as a pretty good instrument and kind of sociable. You pick up a clarinet, and you feel like getting together with other people and forming an "M." But the symphonic clarinet is different: clever, sarcastic, kind of snooty. It's a nice small town instrument that went to college and after that you can't get a simple answer out of them. It is a French instrument, you know. Ever wonder why there are no French Lutherans? Probably the wine wasn't good enough for them.
The oboe is the sensualist of the woodwind section, and if there is one wind Lutherans should avoid, it's probably this one. In movie soundtracks, you tend to hear the oboe when the woman is taking her clothes off. Also a little later when she asks the man for a cigarette. You start playing the oboe, you're going to have babies, take my word for it.
The English horn [cor anglais] sounds Christian, maybe because we think of it as the Anglican horn, but it's so mournful, so plaintive. And so are English horn players. They all have deep complicated problems. They're all down in the dumps, especially at night, which is when most concerts are. Maybe because they want what oboists have, I don't know.
The flute is the show-off of the wind section, the big shot: Jean-Pierre Rampal, James Galway - both millionaires.
(How many millionaire bassoonists can you name real fast?) Well, that's fine. Everybody knows it's the hardest, blowing across a tiny hole with your head tilted all your life: it's like soloing on a pop bottle. The problem with the flute is that it vibrates your brain, and you start wearing big white caftans and smocks and eat roots and berries. You become a pantheist and sit in meadows, and you believe that all is one and God is everything - God is a column of air vibrating - and you know that's not right.
The last member of the woodwind family is the flakiest and that's the piccolo. It's never in tune. Never has been, never will be. All you can play with it is the blues. Which, being a Lutheran, we don't have anyway.
We come now to the string section. Strings are mentioned in scripture and some young Christians are tempted to become string players. But you want to be careful. Bass, for example. A very deliberate instrument, the
plough horse of the orchestra: and bass players do tend to be more methodical, not so spontaneous or witty or brilliant necessarily, but reliable. Which makes the instrument appealing to German Lutherans. And yet bass notes do have a certain texture and a tone, a darkness, a depth that - my gosh, when you see those guys pick up their bows back there, doesn't it make you think the same thing that I do? And if we do, just think what they're thinking about...
The cello section seems pleasant, and cellists seem like such nice people. The way they put their arms around their instruments, they look like parents at a day care
centre zipping up snowsuits. They seem like us: comfortable, mid-range, able to see both sides of things. And yet, there's something about the cello that's hard to put your fingers on. It just doesn't seem right. Maybe, it's the way they hold the instrument the way they do. Why can't they hold it across their laps? Or beside themselves? I'm only asking.
The viola section is no place for a Lutheran and here you have to take my word for it, because I know violists and they're okay until late at night, they like to build a fire in a vacant lot and drink red wine and roast a chicken on a clothes hanger and talk about going to Mexico with somebody named Rita. Violists have this dark, moody, gypsy streak, especially when they get older, and they realize that their instrument for some reason cannot be heard beyond the stage. You think you hear the violas, but it's really the second violins.
The first violin is a problem for a Christian because it's a solo virtuoso instrument and we Christians are humble and decent people. The first violins see the maestro look to them first, and most of them believe that he secretly takes his cue from watching their bows go up and down. The maestro, who has a great nimbus of hair and is here on a temporary work permit, is hypnotized by listening to the violins and forgets which page he's on and looks to the violins to find out what's going on - this is what most violinists believe in their hearts. That if the maestro dropped dead, the orchestra would just follow the violins while his little body was carried off into the wings, and nobody in the audience would notice any difference except that now they would have an unobstructed view of the violin section. Is this a place for a Lutheran to be? Did our Lord say "Blessed are they who stand up in front and take deep bows for they shall receive bigger fees?" No, He did not.
The second violin section is attractive to Lutherans because these people are steady, supportive and helpful, but look who it is they help - they help out the first violins. You want to play second fiddle to that crowd? (No, I hope not.) One thing you may not know about second violins is that the parts are so easy they never practice and they wind up staying out late in singles bars on the freeway near the airport and dancing with software salesmen. But I guess that's their way.
Let's be clear about one thing about the brass section. The rest of the orchestra wishes the brass were playing in another room. So does the conductor. His back is toward you so that you can't see what he's saying to them but what he's saying is, "Would you mind taking that thing outside?" The brass section is made up of men who were at one time in the construction trades. They went into music because the hours are better and there's less dust. They're heavy dudes and that's why composers wrote so few notes for them. Because after they play, you can't hear for a while.
The tuba player is normally a stocky, bearded guy whose hobby is plumbing. The only member of the orchestra who bowls over 250 and gets his deer every year and changes his own oil. In his locker downstairs, he keeps a pair of lederhosen for free-lance jobs. Anyway, there's only one tuba in the bunch and he's it.
The trombonist is a humorist, sort of the brother-in-law of the orchestra. He carries a water spray gun to keep his slide moist and often uses it against his
neighbours. That's why they duck down back there. He's nobody you'd ever want to see become artistic director; you just hope he doesn't sit right behind you.
The trumpet is the brass instrument you imagine as Christian, thinking of Gideon and Gabriel, and then you meet one in real life, and you realize how driven these people are. They don't want to wear black tie; they want to wear capes and swords and tassels; they want to play as loud as they can and see mallards drop from the ceiling. Of the people who've keeled over dead at orchestra concerts, most of them were killed by a long trumpet passage. And most of them were glad to go.
There are two places in the orchestra for a Lutheran and one is the percussion section. It's the most Christian instrument there is. Percussionists are endlessly patient because they hardly ever get to play. Pages and pages of music go by when the violins are sawing away and the winds are tooting and the brass are blasting, and the percussionist sits there and counts the bars like a hunter in the blind waiting for a grouse to appear. A percussionist may have to wait for twenty minutes just to play a few beats, but those beats have to be exact, and they have to be passionate, climactic. All that the Epistles of Paul say a Christian should be- faithful, waiting, trusting, filled with
fervour - are the qualities of the good percussionist.
The other Lutheran instrument, of course, is the harp. It's a good instrument for any Christian because it keeps you humble and keeps you at home. You can't run around with a harp. Having one is like living with an elderly parent in very poor health: it's hard to get them in and out of cars, and it's hard to keep them happy. It t akes fourteen hours to tune a harp, which remains in tune for about twenty minutes, or until somebody opens the door. It's an instrument for a saint. If a harpist could find a good percussionist, they wouldn't need anybody else. They could settle down and make perfectly good music, just the two of them.
497-
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the crèche when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures.
He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."
"And why did you take Him?"
The boy explained, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it."
498-
A very devout Catholic woman was preparing to receive the local parish priest at her house, and was bustling around trying to get everything spick and span. In her haste, she accidentally knocked over her nice crystal glass sugar bowl, smashing the glass and spilling all the lumps of sugar on the floor. At that moment, the door bell rang, and in her confusion, she quickly scooped up the sugar lumps, and shoved them into her very ample cleavage. A few minutes later, she and the priest were sitting at the table, having a cup of tea. "Do you have any sugar please, Mrs O' Reilly?" asked the priest, and without stopping to think, she gave him two lumps from where she had hidden them. "Some milk Father?" "Oh no thank you" spluttered the priest, quickly drawing back and standing up....
499-
After the miraculous landing of the stricken Air Blue plane at Los Angeles, reporters interviewed the passengers. The first one they talked to was a rabbi. "Your name, sir?"
"I am Rabbi Jacob Schwartz from Santa Monica"
"How did you feel when you became aware of the plane's problems?" the reporter asked.
"Well, I was a bit apprehensive, but I put my faith in God, and we were spared," he said.
The next person off the plane was wearing a collar. The reporter also asked him his name, "Father Daniel McCurdy of the Los Angeles Archdiocese" "and how did you feel as the plane circled about for three hours?"
"To be perfectly honest, I was pretty nervous about it, but I offered my prayers to the Lord, and He answered them."
The next person off the plane also was wearing a collar. "Your name, father?
"My name is William Jackson."
"Are you also with the LA Archdiocese?"
"No, I am an Ecopalian."
The reporter said, "Ecopalian??? I have never heard of that denomination"
"Coming down on that plane just scared the piss out of me."
500-
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss' wife and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled, but as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession."
501-
Mary is attending her local weekly church service. Before it begins she is talking with the vicar. Mary asks: "Where's your swear box? Has it been stolen?"
"Aye", replies the vicar, "cunts!"
502-
A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the house. He knocked on the door and the owner answered.
Behind him, he saw a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was. The preacher, seeing this, said "I'm sorry. I don't think I'd fit in here right now."
"Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times already."
503-
The young novice nun soon realized that the absence of sex in the convent was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless. "Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised. "I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick in and wick out."
504-
In order to improve local community spirit, two rabbis of nearby shuls agree to give a shabbes sermon to each other’s congregation. This week it is Rabbi Bloom’s turn.
At the appointed time, Rabbi Bloom turns up at the other shul, but immediately sits down. The congregation wait patiently for him to get up and begin his sermon, but Rabbi Bloom just sits there staring at the floor. After 5 minutes of waiting, the shammes goes over to the rabbi and asks, "My dear rabbi, what are you waiting for? Everyone’s waiting to hear from you."
Pointing to his mouth, Rabbi Bloom quietly replies, "I can’t talk properly. By mistake, I’ve left my false teeth in my bathroom at home."
"Don’t worry, rabbi," says the shammes, "I know where you live. It’s only round the corner. Give me your keys and I’ll get your teeth for you."
Five minutes later, the shammes returns and gives the rabbi his teeth. Rabbi Bloom then gets up and starts his sermon. He talks and he talks and oh how he talks. And the annoying thing is that he’s talking about nothing in particular. After 15 minutes of this, the congregation start to get a bit bothered. But Rabbi Bloom just keeps talking, almost without a pause.
When some members of the shul start to get up to leave, the shammes quickly goes over to the rabbi and says, "Excuse me for interrupting your sermon, rabbi, but it’s getting late and many here need to get home. So why are you talking so much?"
"I can’t help it," replies Rabbi Bloom. "You brought me my wife’s false teeth by mistake."
505-
Movie superstar Samuel L. Jackson will be the voice of God in a new audio version of the Bible. Jackson was given the lead role because producers felt his deep,
authoritative voice was perfect for the role of God.
We've been able to get a few selections from the script for these audio scriptures....
Genesis 2:7 - "You see that tree over there? You will not eat that fruit, hell, you ain't even gonna touch it, or you gonna die, motherfucker."
Genesis 3 - "We got motherfuckin' snakes in the motherfuckin' garden!"
And the LORD said unto Cain, "Whattup, fool? Why you lookin' all hang-dog and shit?
And the LORD said, "Don't even be tryin' to bullshit the Lord. I know that you done smoked your brother and buried him in a shallow one in the field. So why you trying to run some kinda game on me, bitch?"
And the LORD said unto him, "Alright, you whiny little shit. Tell you what: anybody kills you, I'm gonna take care of his ass ... I'll kill him seven fuckin' times. And I'm gonna slap a mark on your ass so everybody knows you're in my mutherfuckin' doghouse, and nobody better lay a hand on you 'cept me. That good enough for your punk ass? Now get the fuck outta here before I change my mind and set your face on fire.
And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden.
506-
A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and turned up pregnant. Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth. And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child. After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with the baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter. Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn hours. She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers. At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap. She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!"
507-
Through the eyes of a child. Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and
500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mUm is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Any way's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
508-
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem to concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A bible A silver dollar A bottle of whisky And a playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door", the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this months centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."
509-
A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes.......................BOOM!!!
A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.
'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs'.
'But this is wonderful news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it.'
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard. 'Excuse me sir' he says 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs'. But this is amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than
Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!!'
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.
Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am God.'
But this is absolutely amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!!!'
You look tired my son' said God 'would you like to sit down and rest a while?'
'Oh yes' replied the bomber 'I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you.'
The bomber sits down and God says
You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of tea?'
'Oh yes please' replies the bomber 'I am most thirsty, thank you.'
With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts 'Oi, Mohammed, two teas over here, and make it snappy!!'
510-
Paddy and Murphy come out of a pub around mid-night and Paddy looks up at the sky and back at Murphy and says "Isn't that a beautiful moon that's shining up in the sky tonight ?" and Murphy looking up says "Don't be stupid man that's the sun up there !!"Paddy replies "Don't call me stupid...I know the moon when I see it ...and THAT is definitely the moon"...Murphy retorts "You're crazy I can see you as clear as day...so THAT is definitely the sun shining up in the sky" to which Paddy says "I tell you what...I'll bet you TEN pints of
Guinness that's the moon "and Murphy responds "Ten pints...right you're on !!!" so Paddy says "How are we gonna decide who's right ?"and just then Father Flaherty comes out of the pub...and he's spotted by Murphy who says "There's Father
Flaherty, we'll ask him he'll know for sure" and Paddy agrees saying "Yeah...what he says goes ... right ?"so they both approach Father Flaherty and Paddy says to him "Good evening Father
Flaherty, could we trouble you to settle a little dispute we're having here?" and Father Flaherty says "Speak my son...and I'll help you "so Murphy asks him "Can you tell us
Father, is that the Sun or the Moon that's shining in the sky so bright tonight ?" and Father Flaherty looks up at the sky, and looks back down and says to them both "How the hell should I know....I don't live around here !"
511-
Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent.
To enter the convent's grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies.
As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I feel like a Marine."
The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?"
512-
Welcome To Hell!
"Hello, nice to see you all again! As the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now - this is hell, and I am the Devil's right hand person. Good evening. You can call me Toby or 665, if you like. We try to keep things informal down here, as well as infernal. Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a hell of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the end, but for now I'll have to split you up into groups.
Are there any questions?
No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, I'm afraid if you didn't go before you came then you're not going to enjoy yourself very much, but then, I believe that's the general idea.
Right, let's split you up then.
Can you all hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?
Off we go...
Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please, thieves if you could join them, and all lawyers, and politicians. Fornicators, if you could step forward - My God there are a lot of you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.
AMERICANS, are you here? I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some problems with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons and Baptists who He realizes put in a lot of wasted work. The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us - someone's been holding them in purgatory for the last 9 months. Sodomites, over there against the wall. Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling like a right bunch of know-it-all's
All Christians will be separated from all Born Again Christians to avoid long boring
arguments about who's more Christian..... ...... ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews had it right after all.
Moonies, maniacs, marmite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - -with the Methodists that is.
Now, you're the bunch who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I must remember - we've got some strips of flesh to tear off you later.
Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' "Life Of Brian", I'm afraid He can't take a joke after all.
All right now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some sort of exchange scheme with the God, or Bob as we know him. Some of you will spend a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here. Now, I hardly need tell you that they will be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, so, I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off their wings, use their haloes for frisbee practice, that sort of thing.
MTV, rap and heavy metal music will be played for eternity, and salt and brimstone is free.
Well, I have to go now, but Beelzebub here will show you the ropes, chains, and electrodes."
........ And remember our motto, " Until Hell Freezes Over ".
513-
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound
patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.
514-
What did Jesus say to his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross?
"Don't touch my fucking Easter eggs, I'll be back on Monday."
515-
Going to War over Religion is basically killing one another to see who's got the better imaginary friend...
516-
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesu s worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES
517-
Jesus and The Twelve Opossums
One of our favourite jobs has been leading junior church. We aim to give them a solid background in biblical history.
At the end of each year, we give them pencils and paper and ask them to chronicle what they have learned. This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses.
In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humour thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my
mum is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
518-
A good woman died and went to Heaven. When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter offered to take her on a tour of the facilities. As they walked past the halo depository, she noticed a sort of fence off in the distance. Intrigued, she asked St. Peter if they could look at it. "What's a fence doing up here?" she asked.
"Oh, that's not exactly a fence," he replied. "It's a balcony railing. You see, some folks arrive here and find that certain friends or loved ones aren't here, and realize they must have gone to Hell. So we have an arrangement with the Adversary whereby our folks can stand at the railing and look down and find their loved ones."
So they approached the railing, and the woman looked down. She spotted a group of people wailing and tearing out their hair while demons poked them with pitchforks. "What's the matter with that group?" she asked. St. Peter took a look. "Ah," he said. "Those are Southern Baptists who went to dances."
Then she noticed another group, screaming while they walked on red-hot coals. "What are they being punished for?" she asked the saint. He looked and replied, "Those are old-style Catholics who ate meat on Friday."
Another group caught her attention. They were being whipped with scorpion tails, and screaming. "And their sin?" she asked. St. Peter looked and said, "Oh, those are Episcopalians who used the wrong fork."
519-
Although born to a good Irish-Catholic family, Colm had always wanted to be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion.
On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin.
The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee, It's $500."
"Holy Mother! $500!" exclaimed Colm , "That's a lot of money. How about $50?"
"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.
520-
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a Praise.'
Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should heal completely.' All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and although I appreciate the prayers and my getting better, my loving wife got a little confused... the word is sternum.'
521-
I for one am vehemently opposed to the campaign for women priests in the Catholic Church.
Call me a chauvinist if you like, but I feel that women, by the very nature of their gender, are simply not equipped to carry out the duties required of a priest.
I mean, seriously, how the fuck is a woman supposed to bum an altar boy?
522-
The prayer meeting was really jumping. The pastor asked for those who wanted to witness to get up and speak. A man stood and shouted, "I have lusted in my heart!"
The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother. Tell it all!"
The brother said, "I have been a slave to the demon alcohol!"
The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"
The brother said, "I have been unfaithful to my dear wife!"
Again the pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"
The brother said, "I have screwed a goat!"
The pastor said, "I wouldn't have told that, Brother!"
523-
Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.
'My son,' said the holy man, 'what are you doing? Who are you?'
'I'm God,' said the stranger.
'Pardon?'
'I'm God,' he repeated. 'This is my house!'
Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.
'Your reverence,' said he, 'I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sat on the altar who claims he's God. What'll I do?'
Take no chances,' said the archbishop. 'Get back in the church and look busy!'
524-
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given !"
525-
I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?
You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What...? Say that again?... I'm cured?"
526-
Two rabbis, one Reformed and the other Orthodox, were discussing their respective congregations one day.
The Reformed rabbi asked the Orthodox leader, "Why don't you let the men and women of your congregation sit together, as they do in my temple?"
The Orthodox rabbi, known for his sense of humour, replied, "If you want to know the truth, I don't really mind them sitting together at all. But, you see, my sermons aren't that interesting and I just can't have them sleeping together"
527-
"Scattered Fucking showers, my ass!" - Noah 4314 BC
528-
You Know You're An Old Catholic If:
You still think the secret problem of priests is alcoholism.
You remember when Nuns wore habits.
You think "No meat on Fridays" has nothing to do with oral sex.
You remember the days of altar boys instead of altered boys.
You think "Mother Superior" is more than a term of hooker endearment.
You think the primacy of Peter had nothing to do Lorena Bobbit.
You answer "yes" to both: "Does a bear eat in the woods?," and "Is the Pope Italian?"
You remember the days when confessions did not start out with: "You have the right to remain silent."
You remember when a red sash around a priest's waist did not mean he was gay.
You think a man dressed in black was not a member of the SWAT team.
You remember when kneelers were in church, not in the Oval Office.
You remember when Cardinals were birds of pray, not prey.
You remember when Holy Water was not from golden showers.
You remember the days before Bingo was made a sacrament.
You remember when "Love one another" did not mean "Orgy Time!"
You remember when Amazing Grace was not the name of every tenth stripper.
You remember when "Father" was a religious title, not the results of a court-ordered DNA test.
You remember when "Mother" was also a religious title, not the first name of really bad people .
You remember when I could get out of this joke by saying three "Hail Mary's."
529-
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever.
She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse.! She said, 'You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, I don't know how to use this.
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, 'This is what you sent to help me?' But! , she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, 'Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
He said, 'Sure.' He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, 'Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man.'
The man replied, 'Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.'
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, 'Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!'
530-
Billy Graham goes to heaven and is approached by St. Peter. They greet each other. Billy recognizes a man with
some unattractive lizards on his neck. He asks "Why does the Pope have 2 lizards around his neck?" To which St. Peter replies "Well, the Pope had some unresolved sins, and he must wear the lizards until he gives them up. He nods, and then notices Howard Stern with 10 lizards around his neck And states "Ah, I get it. He had even more unresolved sins, and he must wear them for longer." "Correct," replies St. Peter. Finally he sees Bill Clinton, with only one lizard on his neck. Surprised to see the low number of lizards on Bill Clinton's neck he asks St. Peter about this. St. Peter replies, "Well, we really needed to punish this particular lizard."
531-
I was raised as a Catholic. I hated going to church when I was young; Stand Up, Sit Down, Kneel,
God I wished the priest would pick a position and just fuck me.
532-
What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
533-
Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater.
She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."
Mortified, he too fled.
"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."..
534-
What's black and white and tells the Pope to 'Fuck off!'
A Nun with 6 numbers and the bonus ball.
535-
The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini, the pride of its breed. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer. Every Saturday she would drive the Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.
All went well until a holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.
"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out."
Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?
Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.
"Excuse me, Officer," she said. "Have you seen a nun in a red mini?"
"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"
536-
A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better."
Presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a
tornado.
537-
So let me see if I've got this straight about the Church of England.
They are short of good Bishops, people who wear big red frocks and parade up and down generally making themselves the centre of attention, spend half their time getting involved in trivial arguments about what flowers should go where or droning on at a bored audience.
But they don't want women or gays doing it? Talk about making life difficult for yourself....
538-
It was great to hear we will now have women Bishops.
I'm hoping to get a blowjob from mine.
It will make a nice change from a Mars bar and a sore arse.
539-
I became a father last week. Not much fun being kept awake half the night by a crying child!
But Father O'Connell says, once I've been in the job a year, he'll find me a quieter one.
540-
Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."
The Pope says, "Why? What did I possibly do wrong while on earth?"
St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests."
The Pope says, "He's mad about THAT?"
St. Peter says, "She's furious.
541-
My mother wanted me to be a priest.
Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of
theirs?
542-
A suicide bomber entered paradise and there was Mohammed to greet him. "Well done, my son, you are most blessed." "So Mohammed, what about my reward? You know ... all the virgins, and that....." "This way, my son." Mohammed led him into a garden where the sun was shining, fountains were playing, sweet music was on the stereo and tables groaned with the most succulent food. Standing around were some of the ugliest women he had ever set eyes on. Most had at least one limb missing, but several had terrible cranial deformities. "I'm sorry, Mohammed, but I just couldn't get it up with any of these women." "That's why they're virgins, my son."
543-
How long is it before the Muslims demand we change the shape of our postboxes so as not to offend their women?
544-
In the beginning there was the Void, and you couldn't find a decent bloody beer, or for that matter, anything else decent anywhere. Then God spake, saying unto the Cosmos "I want a decent bloody biscuit!" And chocolate chip bickies appeared.
God tasted them and they were chewy and fatty and rich - and God saw that they were good.
Then God looked forth for someone to tell how good the bloody beaut bickies were, but there was Void, and fuck-all else, so God created a place, and called it "Here."
And then, probably because he was bored shitless, God caused to appear a man, right here, and called him "You." Then God spake, "Hey You, try one of these bloody beaut bickies, they're great!"
"You" partook of the bloody beaut bickies, and raved as to the goodness thereof. Then "You" looked for someone else to tell about the wondrous bloody beaut bickies of chocolate chip, but there was no one but him and God, and God already knew of them.
So "You" spake unto God, beseeching, "Who can I tell about these bloody beaut bickies?"
With this in mind, God created woman, and called her "Wowza," for her form was exceedingly fair to look upon. "You" then spake unto her and said, "Wowza, you bloody well have to try one of these bloody beaut bickies!"
"Wowza" partook of the bloody beaut bickies, and said "Yeah well, they're OK." Then she hid herself from "You" and God, and ate the entire box of bloody beaut bickies
As a result God waxed wrathful and spake, "You! Where are my bloody beaut bickies?"
"You" turned and cried, "Wowza! the bitch - She fucken gutzed the whole box!"
For this God sent forth a curse of biblical proportion called "cellulite" and smote "Wowza" horrendously on each of her hips, causing "You" to look upon her and go "Fuck me! What a fat bitch"
Then Satan, He of rice cakes and Iceberg lettuce set, did appear and sent to "Wowza" a divorce lawyer to comfort her in her grief.
And thus did "Here" become a place of bedevilment and God quoth, "Next time, I'll send out for pizza, and I'll be buggered if I am telling anyone, including "You"
Thus, it is written ...
545-
Jesus told us to love everybody.
He never said it had to be consensual.
546-
I see all these people in WWJD wrist bands. The other day a woman pushed into the queue in front of me in Pound Land, and I thought, "what would Jesus Do?" Then it came to me, so I smote her verily.
547-
An archaeologist discovered a family living in an ancient cave in France. He was excited by his discovery but he was even more excited when the husband told him that they had 10 more Commandments that had been handed down from Moses. They had been written on a tabletop.
"May I see them, please?" the archaeologist asked.
"Well, I'm sorry," the man said, "but we sanded them off quite a while ago."
"What did they say?" the archaeologist asked. "Do you remember?"
The man said, "well, I've forgotten most of them, but I do remember number 17. It said, 'I've changed my mind about adultery'."
548-
What did
Jehovah do that's so bad he needs that many witnesses?
549-
Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.
As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."
The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and fried banana sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"
Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you. Thank you very much!"
550-
Paddy Murphy was sent on his way to Heaven. Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Paddy at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry Paddy' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.' 'That's alright' said Paddy. 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?' 'Just 3 Questions,' said St Peter. 'Which are ..?' asked Paddy.'
‘The first' said St Peter: ' Is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is: How many seconds are there in a year? The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda? Now,' said St Peter: 'go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So Paddy went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought. The following morning, St Peter called upon Paddy and asked if he had considered the questions, to which Paddy replied: 'I have.' 'Well then, 'said St Peter: 'which two days of the week start with the letter T?' Paddy said: 'Today and Tomorrow.' St. Peter pondered this answer for some time and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 'Well then Paddy, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on: 'how many seconds in a year ..?'
Paddy replied: 'Just 12!' 'Only 12?' exclaimed St Peter: 'how did you arrive at that figure Paddy?' 'Easy,' said Paddy: 'there's the second of January, the second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.' St Peter looked at Paddy and said: 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later St Peter returned to Paddy: 'I'll allow the answer to stand Paddy, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now Paddy, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' Paddy replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter: 'and what is the answer, Paddy ..?'
'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,’ said Paddy. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Paddy, asked 'Paddy: How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' 'Easy,' said Paddy: 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy boiled.' And so Paddy entered Heaven...
551-
Moses and Jesus are part of a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulls up to the tee and drives a long one. The ball lands on the fairway, but rolls directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball rolls to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It lands right in the center of the pond and kind of hovers over the water. Jesus casually walks out on the pond and chips the ball right up onto the green.
Then the third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a shack close by and rolls down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it comes quietly to rest. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps up on the lily pad and snatches the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down and grabs the frog and flies away. As they pass over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball, which bounces right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses leans over toward Jesus and whispers, "I HATE playing with your Dad."
552-
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Quran by memory." "
One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."
"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, "I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly,... for 500 meters all around me,... it was Tuesday!"
553-
A very good and pious Jewish man, Samuel Goldberg, dies and immediately goes to heaven. The angel at the gate greets him and tells him that he can't admit him to heaven.
When Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well, this is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at your record, for all intents and purposes, you have no sins. All I can see looking at page after page is mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional person your whole life, you married a decent woman, your children turned out to be respected members of the community, you've always paid your debts on time... ... nothing but mitzvahs. Now, other than God, only the angels have no sins.
I obviously can't send you to hell, but I can't admit you to heaven because you're a human being and human beings commit sins."
The angel thought for a moment and then said, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you back to Earth for 24 hours. During that time all you have to do is commit one sin. It doesn't have to anything drastic, just something that will go on your record as a sin."
The next thing he knows, Mr. Goldberg is standing on the street in front of his home. Approaching him on the street, he notices Mrs. Ludinsky, an 79 year old widow carrying two large bags of groceries with great difficulty. True to his nature, Mr. Goldberg offers to help her carry the groceries home. Then, remembering that he must commit a sin in order to be admitted to heaven, he grabs Mrs. Ludinsky, the groceries go flying in every direction, and drags her up the stairs to his bedroom. Once inside he proceeds to commit every kind of sexual debauchery he can think of.
Several hours later, exhausted, he begins to put his clothes back on. Sitting up in bed, Mrs. Ludinsky says, "Mr. Goldberg, you have no idea what a mitzvah you've just done.
554-
A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects:
"Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next bishop - maybe within the next couple of years."
"Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?"
"Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop... given luck and god's blessing."
"Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?"
"Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's really very unlikely. But in theory, I could become a Cardinal."
"Lovely!" enthuses the Rabbi, "the scarlet would suit your complexion. So what's after Cardinal?"
The priest smiles: "After Cardinal? Well, it's Pope - but I'm hardly likely to become... hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible. If a Pole why not an Englishman again? Yes, I could just become Pope."
"Splendid! And after Pope?"
The priest looks at him in surprise: "After Pope? There's nothing after Pope! I mean, there's just god above the Pope - I can't become
God."
"Why not? One of our boys made it."
555-
Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoots mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked."
"Well, at $50/hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder he walked."
556-
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.
The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."
557-
God created man, stepped back and said "perfect!" He then created woman, stepped back, had a long look and said "Fuck me! this'll have to wear make up!"
558-
Christians say God loves everyone and is by your side at all times.
He sounds like a bit of a stalker if you ask me.
559-
Jesus walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water which he then turns into wine.
The barman says "Oi! What do you think you are doing?"
Jesus replies, "I'm not paying your fucking prices."
560-
I think I might be God.
I was praying last night and realised I was talking to myself.
561-
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row, please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that. The pastor is very boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
562-
Two
Jehovah's Witnesses knock on the door of an elderly lady, she opens the door and asks who they are, they tell her that they are
Jehovah's witnesses and she lets them both inside. She tells them to take a seat on her sofa, and asked if they would like a cup of tea or coffee "Two teas would be nice please" came the reply, then she asked if they would like custard creams with their drinks "Oh yes please, that would be lovely", came the response. Five minutes later the old woman came back into the front room and placed the drinks and biscuits on the table , sat down and said "So what is it that you want to talk to me about?", and the first Jehovah shrugs hers shoulders and says "We don't know , this is the furthest that we have ever got".
563-
During a revival meeting, the charismatic evangelist asked people who had a need to come up on stage. He went to the first guy and said, "What is your need, brother"?
"My hearing," he said.
The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, invoked the Lord and asked, "How's your hearing"?
"I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
564-
"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."
565-
With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit to Earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar and approached the first man he saw. "If you believe in me enough to give me $50," he said, "I will grant you eternal life."
"Sorry, I'm an atheist," the fellow replied, "and have never believed in God."
God walked up to another man and made the same offer.
"Well, I'm an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not," the guy said, "but here's 50 bucks, just in case."
As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. "I'm Pat Robertson and don't really care if you're God or not," he said excitedly. "Just teach me the trick you did with the agnostic and I'll give you $100."
566-
The devil was holding a meeting with all the little demons. He stood up and said, "Well you poor
useless lot of sissies, this guy Jesus is putting too much good in the world, you time wasters, you make me sick, you came to hell to make their life a misery; instead you're wasting your time playing silly games, so what are you going to do about it?"
Well, just then a small devil quite new to the job and very timid, sheepishly said,
"O lord of great darkness I know I'm not as powerful as you but may I make a suggestion? It seems to me if we could build them up and knock them down the pain would be so great we will soon gain control."
Just as he said that a more experienced demon said, "You mean golf?"
The devil himself interrupts saying, "Steady on old man, we don't want to finish them off that quick."
567-
Boxing Day morning. Jesus is up early playing with his new myrrh. The wise men are making coffee. Mary and Joseph come downstairs, with Mary sporting a massive black eye. One of the wise men says,
"Christ! What happened?" to which Joseph replies:
"First shag I've had in six months and the bitch starts screaming her ex's name."
568-
I was at church the other day and when the collection came around I put some monopoly money in the basket. The priest said to me what are you doing, that's not real money!
I replied..."Well lets talk about this god of yours..."
569-
Everytime you see a rainbow God is having gay sex.
570-
Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's Children's Chapel on Sundays before the service.
One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the priest came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.
But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the priest burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all.
He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.
He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the
children, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.
A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, " Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."
The young priest, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, "I guess you must be a sheep dog."
571-
Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.
The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve.
Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.
Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.
Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your
neighbour's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humour thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.
Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.
He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mum is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.~~~~~~
572-
An American plans a tour from North to South of the USA to explore churches. He starts at Orlando and
visits a church where he's happily taking photographs when he notices a golden telephone on the wall that said "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. In a Cathedral in Atlanta he noticed the same phone with the same sign. He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled all across America , Africa, Japan , New Zealand, Australia and most of Europe and in every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same 'US $10,000 per call' sign under it..
The American decided to travel to England to see if the English had the same phone. He arrived in England and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40p per call.' The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them the price was US $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?' The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in England now, son - it's a local call'.
573-
What does a catholic priest have in common with a pint of
Guinness?
Black coat, white collar & you need to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one.
574-
I can't take Scientology seriously. It's the belief that humans were brought to earth by aliens on a spaceship carried by two massive lizards, which landed in a volcano and dispersed humans throughout the world. Then the aliens take off, and the lizards go and hide under the sea in massive caves.
Add two Italian plumbers to that and you've got the 1st five levels of Super Mario.
575-
From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
To: The Lord of Hosts
Dear Supreme Being:
Thanks again for accepting our bid for the ten plagues contract. As agreed, the following pestilences will be delivered to you for inflicting on the land of Egypt by Passover next:
1. Blood
2. Frogs
3. Gnats
4. Flies
5. Livestock
6. Boils
7. Hail
8. Locusts
9. Darkness
10. Death of the firstborn
To maximize efficiency of resource utilization, we will be engaging a number of reputable subcontractors to carry out some of the work. We will ensure that all this falls within the proposed budget, and we will coordinate with Moses, of course.
Yours sincerely,
Manny Truelove, Seraph i/c Miracles
576-
The Pope has drawn massive criticism for his comments in which he condemns homosexuality in all it's forms, as it is "blurring gender barriers."
Slightly ironic, seeing as this was coming from a man in a dress.
577-
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together, and they both want a drink, but they have no money on them. The priest says, "I've got an idea how to get us some free drinks." He walks in alone and the rabbi stands at the door and watches. The priest orders a drink, drinks it, and then the bartender gives him his tab. The priest says, "But my son, I've already paid for the drink." The bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry, father, but it's really busy in here and I must have forgotten." The rabbi walks in and orders a drink. After he drinks it, the bartender gives him the tab, and the rabbi says, "Son, I paid you when I ordered the drink." The bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry, rabbi, I don't know what's wrong with me, but that's the second time that happened to me today." The rabbi says, "That's okay, son, no offence taken. Now, just give me change for the twenty I gave you, and I'll be on my way."
578-
Joseph and Mary lived in a barn. Mary had just given birth to a baby boy, Joseph was a carpenter by trade but had no work.
On this particular day, after another unsuccessful day at the job centre, Joseph trudges back to the barn on his donkey. He then notices three men on camels carrying parcels and they take them into the barn.
Joseph gets off his donkey, storms into the barn and shouts, "For fuck's sake, Mary; we've just had a baby, I'm unemployed and you are ordering stuff out of the fucking catalogue."
579-
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.
Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he
replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
580-
True, the various religions are different. But religion shouldn't separate people. We all end up the same; we just get there in different ways.
For example, Jews are born with guilt.
Catholics, on the other hand, have to go learn it in school.
581-
Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors.
The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms."
"I'll be right back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.
Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight checks.
He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the third door.
He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants answering to a captain's every whim. He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.
"Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"
"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.
"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's flight attendants' hell."
582-
A group of rednecks sat around the pot-bellied stove in the country store, discussing the mysteries of life. "I'm going deaf and blind," sighed one old fellow.
"I don't know what the good Lord wants to leave me here for."
"Now, Mr. McCoy," replied his Pastor friend, "the Lord's ways are not our ways, and we can't always understand. But if He's left you here He's got work for you to do."
Mr. McCoy sat for a minute in quiet meditation, then announced, "Well, screw Him,... I'm not a-gonna do it."
583-
Stanley Zilberstein is a very very wealthy man but not very generous when it comes to money. Despite all his wealth he wasn’t a happy man and he didn’t know what to do. One Saturday evening after the service at the shul, he told the Rabbi about his problem. The Rabbi whispered in his ear:’ you know Mr. Zilberstein, stinginess is a bad thing, a sin even, won’t it make you feel better to give something back?’ When you step outside from here, I want you to give 50$ to the first person you’ll see in the street, as a gift’
Stanley tries to tell the Rabbi it is not that simple, he never ever in his life gave money to anyone especially a total stranger on the street, and it will make him physically ill.
But the Rabbi insisted, otherwise he will never be really happy.
Trembling he went out and by the fence he saw a tall girl with heavy makeup mini skirt and high heels.
He approached her hesitantly took his wallet out, dug a $50 note and gave it to her. ‘Here’ he told her ‘it’s for you, take it’
The girl looked at him amazed;’ $50?’ she said to him ‘$50 It’s not enough, give me a least $200’
Stanley, in total shock said: ‘why $200? The Rabbi said $50 is enough’
‘What do you want with the Rabbi?’ The girl answered:’ Leave the Rabbi alone, he’s a regular’
584-
What religion believes in the Big Bang
Islam of course
585-
After biting from the apple, Adam felt shame and covered himself with a fig leaf.
Eve too felt shame, and covered herself with a fig leaf.
Then she went back behind the bush to try on a maple leaf, an oak, and three varieties of
sycamore.
586-
These are reported to be actual epitaphs on tombstones:
Here lies Johnny Yeast Pardon me For not rising. (Ruidoso, New Mexico)
Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. (Silver City, Nevada)
Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. (Ribbesford, England)
Margaret Daniels She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her. (Richmond, Virginia)
Anna Hopewell Here lies the body of our Anna. Done to death by a banana It wasn't the fruit that laid her low But the skin of the thing that made her go. (Enosburg Falls, Vermont)
Harry Edsel Smith Born 1903--Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. (Albany, New York)
An anonymous tombstone: I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours. (Stowe, Vermont)
587-
A boy was making his confession to his priest. "I have this problem with spontaneous erection since I turned 13. I know it is a sin to play with myself. Can you help me with this problem?"
"Why sure, lad. I can lick your problem for you!
588-
I can't help but think that last supper must have been a bit tense, with Jesus relating the bread to his broken skin and the wine to his own blood.
I bet no one touched the meatballs.
589-
An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister."
The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a good Catholic all you life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now, not a
minister. "The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please. It's me last request. Get a minister for me!" "But, Dad," cries the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!" The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now."
The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. "I'm afraid you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a Protestant now." Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?" "Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. "I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of us."
590-
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of a parochial school in a very advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just wait until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"
"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so shocked, Father," replied the nun, "it was what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the ceiling, father."
To which the priest replied, "How much did you win?"
591-
I had my son baptised today. The vicar was dressed in a gorilla costume
Seemed strange at first, but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
592-
Holy Communion
Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion.
When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said, "If the Holy Spirit won't move you, the prune juice will!"
593-
Science flies you to the moon.
Religion flies you into buildings.
594-
They get bored too easily............
595-
Rabbi Shmuel is leading a bible study group at his shul when all of a sudden, an angel appears. The Angel says to the rabbi, "RabbiShmuel. You are an example to all of your fellow men. You are totally unselfish; your behaviour is faultless; your study of Judaism is extensive; and your charity giving is exemplary. So, in return for being such a mensh, I am going to offer you a choice of reward. You can either have infinite wealth, infinite health, or infinite wisdom. What will it be, Rabbi Shmuel? Whatever you choose will be immediately granted."
Without any hesitation whatsoever, Rabbi Shmuel replies, "I would love to have infinite wisdom."
"Mazeltov to you, Rabbi Shmuel," says the Angel. "It’s done. Enjoy!"
The Angel then disappears as quickly as it had appeared. For a few minutes there was a stunned silence in the study group. No one could believe what had just happened in front of their eyes. Then one of the study group broke the silence.
"Rabbi Shmuel," he asks, "why don’t you test out your new found wisdom right away? Say something really wise to us, rabbi."
Rabbi Shmuel replies, "Oy vay, I should have taken the money."
596-
A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception. "William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?" "Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time." "Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."
597-
When I got baptised it was in a really crazy font....
Times New Christian.
598-
I'm thinking about becoming a Muslim.
The Quran's a load of bollocks but my wife's face would benefit from a Burkha.
599-
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.
'And why's everyone so quiet,
So sombre - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'
600-
Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.
601-
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
602-
I had the fright of my life this morning. I woke up in my hotel room, turned on the T.V and this televangelist came on.
He said, "you may not know this, but today you have already sinned."
I thought, "I've just woken up - what the hell could I have done?"
I turned to my sister and she hadn't got a clue either.
603-
Jesus checks into a hotel. He puts three nails down onto the counter and says "Can you put me up for the night."
604-
Q. What did God say after creating man?
A. "I can do so much better."
Q. What did he say after he created woman?
A. "Guess I was wrong!"
605-
Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world.
After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed.
It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.
The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven.
Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple: "Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Luke"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
What did you bring Judas?"
"The DRUG SQUAD.... EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!!
606-
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End Is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a screech of tyres and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says ''Bridge Out'' instead?"
607-
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi was concerned that he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest go into the confessional together. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say three Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say three Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.00"
608-
A congregant asked his Rabbi, "Rabbi, you're a man of God. So why is it that you are always talking business when I, a businessman, am always talking about spiritual matters when I'm not at work?"
"You have discovered one of the principles of human nature," the Rabbi replied.
"And what principle is that, Rabbi?"
"People like to discuss things they know nothing about."
609-
Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat. Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got wasted." The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange. Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will marry my mother next year." Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a response from the nun, the third one says, "My old man will never EVER marry my mother!" The nun looks up from her food and says, "Would one of you fucking bastards please pass the salt?"
610-
Saw this billboard sign yesterday....
NEED HELP, CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787
Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower
611-
The vicar at my local church had several metal pipes fall on top of him.
He died from major organ failure.
612-
How did Jesus feel about being crucified?
Cross.
613-
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic : Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal : 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians : None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None - Candles only.
Baptists : At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons : 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians : We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists : Undetermined -Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene : 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans : None -Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish : What's a light bulb?
614-
Judeo-Christian tradition frowns on:
a. premarital sex
b. post-marital sex
c. the opposite sex
d. carnal knowledge with non-kosher animals
615-
As soon as Moses is given the Ten Commandments by God on the top of Mount Sinai, he immediately takes them down to show his people. After much discussion with his elders, Moses is asked to go back up Mount Sinai to ask God for clarification of an important issue. So although tired, Moses once again makes the long and hard trek to the top of Mount Sinai. And there, by the burning bush, he kneels and prays to God.
"Oh Mighty God, King of the Universe," prays Moses, "your people have asked me to raise a very important question with you relating to the Ten Commandments."
"And what is this important question that my people ask of me?" asks God.
"Oh mighty God," replies Moses, "they have instructed me to ask you whether the Ten Commandments are listed in priority sequence."
616-
Mary: I have something to tell you... I'm pregnant. It's not yours. I'm sorry.
Joseph: ....Holy fuck.
Mary: Funny you should say that...
617-
News just in:
It has emerged that Irish Priests have been abusing children for decades
In other news:
Grass is green and the Sun is hot.
618-
Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory."
Peter came fifth and won a rubber duck.
619-
Rabbi Gold is leaving Hendon shul to become rabbi of a shul in Manchester and
today’s service is the last he’s leading at Hendon. Immediately the service
ends, he goes over to the exit and starts to shake hands with the congregation
as they leave the shul.
Freda, an elderly lady, is one of the last to leave and as she shakes Rabbi
Gold’s hand, she says to him, "We’ll miss you rabbi. Your successor just won't
be as good as you."
Feeling rather flattered, Rabbi Gold replies, "Oh don’t be silly. I’m sure he
will be just as good as me."
"But I really mean it," says Freda. "Since I've been a member of Hendon shul,
I’ve been under the leadership of four different rabbis and I can honestly tell
you that each new rabbi, including yourself, has always been much worse than the
previous one."
620-
So what if Jesus turned water into wine...I turned a whole student loan into
Vodka once........... Your move Jesus...
621-
Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about
Jesus."
I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?"
622-
Just a thought...
If Jesus was born in Bethlehem and spent all his time in Nazareth, why were all
his disciples called 'John' and 'Mark' and 'Luke'?
Were they fucking gap year students or something? They're not very Jewish names
are they?
623-
A Protestant man from Belfast is told his wife has died. He goes to place an
announcement in the paper and is told it costs £5 for 3 words. He only has £5 so
he puts in "Cathy is dead." They feel sorry for him and offer him another 3
words for free. He thinks for a minutes and says okay and puts in "Cathy is
dead, fuck the pope!"
624-
Sister Mary Margaret enters O'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd like to buy a bottle of
Irish whiskey", she tells O'Flynn.
The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle of Irish whiskey?
And you being a nun, too!"
"Oh, no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His
constipation, you know."
O'Flynn smiles, nods and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary Margaret pays,
takes the bag and goes on her way.
Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an
alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the
empty bottle at her side.
"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's
constipation!"
"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna shit."
625-
The new Oklahoma preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty. One day he
decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately.
He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the
door, she said, "Conway Twitty!" "No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor,
and I just stopped by to have a prayer with you." So she said come right on in.
He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.
Eventually, he came to the house at the end of the street. It turned out to be
the residence of a young widow. At the time that the Reverend knocked on her
door, the young widow was taking a shower. Hearing the knock, she just wrapped a
towel around herself, ran to the door and threw it open. When she saw her
caller, she threw up her hands-which allowed the towel to fall to the floor
putting all her wonderful young and luscious curves on display.."Oh my God!" she
exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"
The preacher just smiled and said, "Hello, Darlin."
626-
A little old lady sat down next to a man in church who was praying devoutly.
As he sat back in his pew, he burst into tears and continued to sob.
The little old lady said to the man,
"I'm so sorry. Did you lose somebody close to you ?"
"No" he said. "I just sat on my balls."
627-
Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.
Moses calls a staff meeting.
"Well, how are we going to get across the sea?" asked Moses. "We need a fast
solution. The Egyptians are close behind us."
"Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across,"
said the General Of The Armies, "but there's not enough time - the Egyptians are
too close."
"Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across," said the
Admiral Of The Navy, "but time is too short."
"Does anyone have a solution?" asked Moses.
Just then, his Public Relations man raised his hand.
"You!" said Moses, "You have a solution?"
"No," said the PR man, "but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of
this one, I can get you two or three full pages in the Old Testament..."
628-
Sweating profusely in his new t-shirt and long pants, a tribesman in a tropical
jungle asks the missionary,
"If I did not know about God, the devil, and sin, like going around naked as our
people have always done, would I go to hell?"
The missionary answers, "No, not if you didn't know."
Upon which the tribesman demands, "Then why did you tell me!?"
629-
There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so
many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was nowhere in
town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made and excuse and travelled
to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the roasted pork.
While he's waiting for his order to be prepared, the president of his
congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for
dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree.
A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off
the platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth.
The congregation president is more than a little surprised.... Shocked he was !
Quickly the rabbi said.. "What a fancy place," explains the rabbi, "Just look at
how they served the baked apple I ordered."
630-
Religion: Giving
people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
631-
My mother wanted me to be a priest.
Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to
tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
632-
In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No
matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the
boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward
up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister
leans down and whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms
down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the
other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the minister slowly makes
his way back to his seat, one of the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve.
"Excuse me, Reverend," she says quietly, "but what magic words did you use on
that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he didn't cut that
shit out, I'd kick his fucking ass to the moon."
633-
The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for
the first time baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the
next morning proceeded to baptize... you guessed it.... his three cats in the
bathtub.
The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the old
family tom cat rebelled.
The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed and tore his skin, and finally got
away. With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and proceeded
with the "ceremony."
But the cat acted worse than ever, clawing and spitting, and scratching the
boy's face.
Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, he dropped him on
the floor in disgust and said, "Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"
634-
A Catholic man goes into the confessional box. He notices against one wall
there is a crate of Guinness and on a shelf is a box of fine Havana cigars. Then
the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more
inviting these days."
The priest replies "It must have been some time....Now go round to your side,
you're sitting in my seat".
635-
The Catholic Church are against gay sex because it's unnatural.
Yeah, and walking on fucking water isn't?
636-
"Pastor, I go to an Episcopalian church when I live in Colorado for half the
year, and to a Lutheran church when I am in San Diego the other half of the
year. Am I having an identity crisis?"
"No, you're just bi-sectual.
637-
Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting , but when he gets to his
favourite field he sees the village priest is already there.
Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole
and immediately a rabbit pops out.
The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack. He repeats this unusual but very
successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits.
Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.
"Easy," says the priest. "Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it
over a rabbit hole. They can't resist the smell, so when they come out, grab
them."
Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor. He lifts up her
skirt and applies his finger as directed.
Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?"
638-
Note to self!
Not a good idea to try and start a Mexican wave when the coffin enters the
church.
639-
I find it rather odd that people say Jesus used to be a carpenter.
I've got all of their records, and I can't recall him singing on any of them.
640-
At the Last Supper, how come nobody sat at the other side of the table?
641-
Do you think that when a Jehovah witness dies and gets to heaven, that God
hides behind the gates and pretends he's not in?
642-
The Uncomfortable Definition of an Infidel....
FACT: Islam is the fastest growing religion in the UK
Last month I attended my annual training session for maintaining my security
clearance in the prison service. There was a presentation by three speakers from
the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths, who explained their beliefs.
I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say about the
basics of Islam, complete with video.
After the presentations, question time. I directed my question to the Imam and
asked: 'Correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of
Islam have declared a Holy War against the infidels of the world and, that by
killing an infidel, (which is a command to all Muslims) they are assured of a
place in heaven. If that's the case, can you give me the definition of an
infidel?'
There was no disagreement with my statement and, without hesitation, he replied,
'Non-believers!'
I responded, 'So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of Allah
have been commanded to kill everyone who is not a follower of Allah, so they can
have a place in heaven. Is that correct?' The expression on his face changed
from one of authority to that of 'a little boy who had just been caught with his
hand in the biscuit tin..'
He sheepishly replied, 'Yes.'
I then stated, 'Well, I have a real problem trying to imagine Pope Benedict
commanding all Catholics to kill Muslims, or the Archbishop of Canterbury
ordering all Protestants to do the same in order to guarantee them a place in
heaven!' The Imam was speechless! I continued, 'I also have a problem with being
your 'friend' when you and your brother clerics are telling your followers to
kill me! Let me ask you a question. Would you rather have your Allah, who tells
you to kill me in order for you to go to heaven, or my Jesus who tells me to
love you because He will take me to heaven and He wants you to be there with
me?'
You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam remained speechless.
Needless to say, the organizers of the Diversification seminar were not happy
with this way of exposing the truth about the Muslims' beliefs.
Within twenty years, i.e. 2029, there will be enough Muslim voters in the UK to
elect a government of their choice, complete with Sharia law.
Everyone in the U. K. should be required to read this, but with the current
political paralysis, tolerant justice system, liberal media and p. c. madness,
there is no way this will be widely publicised.
Please pass this on to all your e-mail contacts.
John Harrison MBE. MIDSc
643-
One priest said to the other.” Do you think the Pope will ever allow priests to
marry?"
"Not in our time", mused his colleague, "maybe in our children’s."
644-
Murphy lived next door to McTavish, one a Catholic the other a Protestant, but
they were good neighbours.
One day McTavish, looking at his five kids, said to Murphy: "You Catholics don’t
use birth control, yet you’ve got no kids and I’ve got five."
"We use the Safe Period," explained Murphy.
"Never heard of it," said McTavish. "What’s the Safe Period?"
"Every second Tuesday when you go to Lodge," said Murphy.
645-
Bacon proves that God has a sense of humour.
He invents the greatest meat in the world then doesn't let his chosen people eat
it.
646-
The Bible: A Summary -
Old Testament: “Do as I say, or I’ll kick the shit out of you.”
New Testament: “Ignore my dad, he’s full of shit.”
647-
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman
turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks,
"Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
648-
You Know You're A Ghetto Christian If--
You lie on an application to get a job and then get up and testify that "God
made a way out of no way"
You get mad at a visitor and call them out for sitting in YOUR seat.
You tell the preacher to baptize you from the neck down because you just got
your hair did!
You take 2 hours to get ready for church, get there late, and leave early!
You open your Bible and you cough from the dust that flies out.
Your wedding song is rap 'Secret Lovers'.
You do not lift your hand during worship because your acrylic nail is broken.
The only time you like to sing in the choir is when they let you sing "your"
song.
You do not donate to the church because you say, "the preacher might be crooked
and stealing the Lord's money, so I ain't want to give it to him."
After you've done wrong and someone has rebuked you, you don't repent but you
say, "Well the Lord knows my heart."
If you have ever said, "show me in the Bible where it says, "thou shall not
smoke crack."
You overheard someone say, "We got fed today at service" and you asked if they
served chicken.
Your favourite part of the service is the benediction.
You buy "hot" merchandise and testify the Lord blessed me with a TV, jewellery,
clothes, etc.
You just got finished smoking on the outside of the church and then try to lead
a song, get choked up, holding your throat and say to the congregation, "The
devil don't want me to sing this song."
649-
Q: Why did God make man before woman?
A: To give him enough time to think of an answer to her first question.
650-
Father O'Brian, a young priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods
of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit
to see how he was doing. Father O'Brian said "this is a very lonely job and I
don't think that I could have made it this long without my Rosary and two
martinis each day." "What?!" Exclaimed the Bishop. "You've taken to drinking?
What kind of example is that to set for the community? This doesn't reflect well
on the church." "But the loneliness, I just couldn't stand it. If it weren't for
my Rosary and those two martinis a day, I would surely have gone insane." The
Bishop thought a moment, then said "I guess that is understandable
considering..." With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have
a martini with me?" The Bishop said, "well, I really shouldn't but... Yes, that
would be nice. I think I will, but just this once. " The priest turned around
and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please.
651-
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was
gaining a little weight.
"Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?", he asked.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained, matter- of-factly.
A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight.
"Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?", he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again.
A couple of months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage
around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute
little fart."
652-
A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar
with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban
cigars. Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession,
but I must first say that the confessional box i