Police & Law
1-
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine! Oh, and another thing, ma'am. It seems one of the reins has looped across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. Have your husband take care of that right away also!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. Anything else?"
"I'm not sure, something about the Emergency Brake..."
2-
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th drunk driving conviction.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?
Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was soon surrounded by police officers, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation
.Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too
3-
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
4-
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles (o, o)
and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" the judge said to the second boy.
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles (o, o). I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your arsehole before prison...
5-
A cop decided to wait outside of a local bar one night. Drunk guys came out of this bar at night, like rats from a sinking ship, to drive home. It was closing time, and one guy stumbled out and almost fell on the curb. He tried to unlock five cars before he finally found his. By this time everyone had left the bar. When the driver pulled out, the cop pulled him over and said, "Sir, get out of the car. You're under arrest for drink driving." The cop made the man blow a breathaliser test, and the results were 0.0. The cop asked, "How can this be?" The guy said, "Because tonight officer I'm the designated decoy!"
6-
Late at night, a policeman in Glasgow walks down one of the main shopping streets and sees a man attempting to break into one of the shops. He grabs the burglar round the neck, kicks his legs from under him and drags him 20 yards round the corner into Hope Street.
The villain starts complaining to the policeman, “Look I’d have come quietly. Why did you have to kick me and drag me 20 yards round the corner?”
“Cos I cannae spell Sauchiehall Street you thieving toerag!”
7-
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...
8-
One day this tramp is sitting on a park bench eating a bald eagle. A cop comes by and says.."Hey fella...What do you think you are doing? That is an endangered species! You can't kill it and eat it!" The cop arrests him and takes him to jail...
The next day he goes to court and the judge says, "Sir, do you realize that a bald eagle is an endangered species and you can spend up to 5 years in jail for killing and eating it?"
The hobo says, "Yes your honor...but I am poor and if I didn't eat it, I would have starved!" The judge pauses a few minutes and says, "Well sir, under the circumstances, I guess I will make an exception. You are free to go.....but first I want to ask you a question: What exactly does a bald eagle taste like?"
The guy thinks for a moment and says..."Well, your Honor.......It's kinda like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."
9-
The police recently arrested a man selling tablets which he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through the files, the police noticed it was the fourth time the man was caught for doing this. He had earlier been arrested in 1798, 1850 and 1909.
10-
A cop arrived at the scene of an accident where a car had smashed into a tree.
Rushing up to the vehicle, he asked the driver, "Sir! Are you seriously hurt?"
"I don't know," the driver responded. "I haven't spoken to my lawyer yet."
11-
Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?"
Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?"
"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at the Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"
"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?!?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!"
Of course the cop asked, "What does an asshole stretcher do?"
Bob explained, " People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?"
Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!
12-
The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.
"For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's wife.
"Is he a good husband?"
"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all."
"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"
"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."
13-
"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman -- so I showed her."
14-
A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on
in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things.
He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so no-one was available to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again.
"Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!"
He replied: "I thought you said there was no-one available!"
15-
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'
She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'
16-
This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife.
The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir. Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! Sir, I was referring to the dog! Oh... Her name is Maisy. What do you want her name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!
17-
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
18-
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his car and approaches the man. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your lights in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"
19-
It was a sensational and much-publicized murder case, and the court was crowded. In a stern and solemn voice, the clerk of the court was reading out the charges against the man in the dock. "You are hereby charged that on August 27 you battered your wife to death with a hammer..."
"You bastard!" yelled a man at the back of the court.
The judge banged his gavel and called for silence, and the clerk continued. "You are further charged that, on the same day, you then battered your mother-in-law to death with a hammer..."
And again the man at the back of the court yelled out: "You bloody bastard!"
It was too much for the judge. Banging his gavel furiously he demanded silence. And then he ordered the man who had been shouting from the back of the court to come forward and explain himself. "What do you mean by this?" demanded the judge. "Can you give me a good reason why I shouldn't charge you with contempt of court?"
"Well, it's like this, your Honour," said the man. "I live next door to the accused, you see. And every time I asked him if I could borrow a hammer the bastard said he didn't have one!"
20-
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"£50.00 for three questions." replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes." the lawyer replied, "What was your third question?"
21-
Three guys, an Irish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy sign up for the police academy. The Jewish guy goes in first and the Captain says to him, "We have to ask you one question before we admit you in to the academy, Who killed Jesus?"
The Jewish guy says "The Romans did it."
The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."
The Italian guy goes in next. The Captain asks him the same thing. "We have to ask you one question first before you're admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?"
The Italian guy says "The Romans did it."
The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."
The Irish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question. The Irish guy says "Gee, I don't know." The Captain tells him to go home and think about it for a week and come back and tell him.
The Irish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his first day went at the academy, and he says to her, "You won't believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to a murder case!"
22-
A young man decided to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."
23-
A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia. The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!"
The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons;
1, It's none of your damn business;
2, She was my wife;
and.....
3, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"
24-
A large town in West Yorkshire was stolen last night.
Police are looking for Leeds.
25-
A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a coin in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth
and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill- effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively
thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before-it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Lawyer."
26-
When the police first arrested Fred West, they asked him if he'd like to admit to any of the alleged murders.
He said, "Yeah OK I killed 6 people."
Later that day the police go to start digging at the house and eventually find 14 bodies. They went back to the police station to talk to Fred, and they said to him, " I thought you said you killed 6 people".
Fred turned and said, "Well what do you expect, I'm a builder, that was only an estimate "
27-
One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily
along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked sarcastically.
"My wife." said the man.
28-
The SAS, the Infantry and the police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top. After some basic exercises the Instructor tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.
First up are the SAS. They don their infra-red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence occurs for 5 mins, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead. "Excellent work" says the Instructor.
Next up are the Infantry. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their voices. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy but you got a result, well done" says the Instructor.
Lastly in go the Police, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours the silence is only broken by the occasional cackle of a walkie-talkie: 'sierra oscar lima one, suspect headed straight for you' etc. After what seems like an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in hand cuffs. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous Instructor. "Take the squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you to 5 hours ago!!!"
So back they go. Minutes pass, these minutes turn to hours and day turns to night. The next morning the Trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the Police, holding the squirrel that is now covered in bruises. "Are you taking the piss?" asks the seriously irate Instructor. The Police team Leader then shoots a glance at the squirrel who squeaks, "Alright, alright I am a fucking rabbit!"
29-
Picasso came to London. At the railway station, his wristwatch was stolen.
"Do you suspect somebody?" the police inspector asked.
"Yes, there was that young man who left the train right after me."
"If you could draw his likeness, Mr. Picasso, it would facilitate our task very much."
Picasso made the requested picture. It was copied and the copies sent to several police stations. Soon afterwards, the police arrested as suspects a lady of 80, a gorilla in the Zoo, a bulldog, and two rhinoceroses.
30-
Mickey Mouse is at the solicitors filing for divorce from Minnie and his lawyer is going through all the relevant paperwork, occasionally sighing and shaking his head. Mickey asks the solicitor what is wrong exactly, to which he replies "Well, Mickey, I've been through all your files and papers and I just can't see how on earth you will be granted a divorce on the grounds that your wife has 'prominent front teeth' ". Mickey sits up in his chair and says to the solicitor "No, no, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
31-
How can you tell a Russian police car from the police cars of other nations?
The Russian police car is the only one that goes "Lah-Dah Lah-Dah Lah-Dah"!
32-
A man heard a knock on his door and opened. He found a policeman on the doorstep.
The policeman said, "Sir, I have received a complaint that your dog chased a woman on a bicycle."
The man, stunned, replied: "Are you mad? My dog can't ride a bicycle!"
33-
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the
interior light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
34-
A lawyer went to a remote village and stayed at the local inn for a few days. While he was there, he had an affair with the innkeeper's young daughter. A few months later he was back at the inn again, and the young girls was pregnant!
When he confronted her, she admitted that the child was his.
"But why didn't you let me know?" said the lawyer, "I would have married you!"
"Well," replied the innkeeper's daughter, "Daddy said that one bastard in the family is quite enough!"
35-
A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window, and asks the little man what's wrong.
"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man.
"Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a sandwich, but that's as much as I can do."
So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off. A bit later he has to stop again, because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is.
"I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls.
So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as I can do."
He hands a tin of Coke down to the little man and drives off. A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road.
Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, "Yes, you silly little blue queer, what fucking planet are you from and what do you want?"
And the little man answers, "Your driver's licence, please..."
36-
Things you shouldn't say in prison....
"Damn, you are sexy in stripes."
"Is that a zip-gun carefully carved out of a piece of discarded metal found on the floor of the prison license-plate manufacturing shop in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
"You know, normally I don't give in the first 30 seconds, but I guess I'm a sucker for sheer muscle mass."
"Nice teeth. They'd look so much better on the floor of my cell."
"I've been watching you from across the yard for awhile now, and I knew if I didn't work up the courage to just walk over here and ask you to be my bitch, I might regret it for the rest of my life."
"Who wants to marry a multiple murderer?"
"Hold still while I staple this centerfold to the back of your head."
"Did you order the Soap Drop soup?"
"That orange jumpsuit really brings out the red in your freshly-healed knife wound."
"Care to give Prisoner Johnson a weekend furlough?"
"You're new here... let me debrief you and introduce you to the penal system."
"You look even better in person than you did on America's Most Wanted."
"If looks could kill, you'd get 25 to life."
"Is your name 'Escape Tunnel?' Because I've been digging you all night."
37-
A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer.
The following exchange took place.
The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."
38-
In a trial a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmother. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you"
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him"
The defense attorney almost died!
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counsellors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt"
39-
The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the
man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, "My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."
"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.
"Yes" replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."
"Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!"
"Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer, "My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom."
"12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.
"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk."
"And I suppose most of this *information* is cybersex related... Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling," comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days."
"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever *that* is."
"That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies the judge.
40-
Leroy was spotted driving along the highway at a steady speed, when he suddenly indicated right and pulled off onto the shoulder. He quickly jumped out of the car and opened the trunk. From a large bag, he produced a party hat, streamers, a bottle of lemonade, sandwiches and a cake. After eating the food and drinking the lemonade, he launched into a little Irish jig.
The whole proceedings lasted about fifteen minutes, after which he got back in his car and drove off.
Curious, the police followed him at a distance and half an hour later, they saw him stop and repeat the whole procedure. This was too much for the officers, so they decided to check him out.
"Can we ask you the reason for all the stops and the food, drink and Irish jigs?" one of the officers asked.
"Well, sir," explained Leroy, "I'm on the company's outin'."
"But you're the only one here," argued the officer.
"Yeah, I know," replied Leroy. "I'm self-employed!"
41-
There's this solicitor on circuit in Ireland. He advises his client that he has a choice of 2 barristers. One is brilliant at picking a jury, though his trial tactics are somewhat suspect. The other is
superb on his feet but not so adept at picking a jury. The accused opts for the former.
The trial commences. The jury is selected and the prosecutor opens his case. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is a simple case. You will hear sworn evidence from the accused's next-door-neighbour who will tell you that he made the following observations on the day in question. Early in the morning he observed the accused emerge from his back door and enter his yard. In the yard there was a Hill's Hoist to which was tethered a goat. The accused approached the goat from behind and dropped his trousers. He then commenced to have sexual relations with the goat. He continued for about 3 minutes then withdrew. The goat then turned around and licked the accused's genitals."
At this point juror number 1 turned to no. 2 and said, "A good goat'll do that."
42-
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.
"Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the convict. "I just murdered a couple of priests."
43-
Two blokes were walking along a road in Queensland when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop.
One bloke was thrown through the windscreen and his mate was knocked down an embankment.
The first bloke was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.
44-
Two white men and an Aborigine were in prison together. One of the whites said he was in for ten years for attempted rape, but thought himself lucky he hadn't actually done the rape or he would be in for twenty years.
The other white said he was in for fifteen years for attempted murder, but was lucky his victim had lived, or he would be doing life.
The Aborigine then said he was in for twenty-five years for riding his bike without a light, but reckoned he was lucky it wasn't night time.
45-
A drunk takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers.
After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar.
"Whose dog is tied up out front?"
The drunk responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"
"Well she's in heat," says the cop."
"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."
"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs to be bred."
"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."
At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen buddy! You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog wants to mate."
"Oh, go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."
46-
A woman went to see her lawyer, taking with her a baby and four children under the age of five.
"I want a divorce," she said.
"On what grounds?" he asked.
"Desertion, sir," she said.
"Desertion?" he asked, looking at the five young children.
"Well," she confided, "he does come home every now and then to apologize."
47-
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that
darned bull came home this morning."
48-
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
49-
A guy enters a bar and spots a hot-looking babe sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hey there, how's it going?" She turns around, looks him straight in the eye and says, "I'll screw anyone, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."
"Really," he replies. "What law firm do you work for?"
50-
A woman was speeding along a highway when she was pulled over by a Mountie. The officer walked up to her window with his ticket book and asked, ""Do you know how fast you were going, Ma'am?"
"I know I was speeding officer, but I'm late for a very important meeting and I'm in a terrible hurry. Please don't give me a ticket. My husband would be so angry. I'll do anything. I'll buy tickets to your Policemen's Ball," she said.
The Mountie looked at her sternly. "The RCMP don't have balls, Ma'am."
The woman stared with open mouth and raised her eyebrows at the Mountie, who turned bright red, put his ticket book away, walked back to his cruiser and drove off.
51-
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have the title extended further than the 194
years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the
property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803. the year of origin identified in our
application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope the hell you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was approved.
52-
A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight. Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe. After a while the cop turns to the kid and says Okay, which one's your father. The kid looks up at the cop and says, I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about.
53-
An eminent psychologist was called to testify in court. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.
"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.
Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her dishevelled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."
54-
The mayor of New York City had just bought a new car. It was a brand new Benz and he had parked it outside of city hall in the spaced reserved, "MAYOR". After a short council meeting, the mayor decided to take a few associates out for lunch in his new car. To his dismay, his brand new car had been "bombed" by a flock of pigeons. He muttered, "I really need to do something about those pigeons."
Parked outside his favourite diner, the mayor and his associates were eating lunch. After an hour of eating and chatting, mayor and his associates went out to the car only to find it ticketed by a rookie officer not aware that the car belonged to the mayor. Now the mayor was furious. The mayor then said, "I'm not going to pay this ticket," and left in a bad mood.
Well the mayor had to pay the ticket and court charges and was furious. He sped away in his car and drove to a local park to calm himself down. He sat by the lake and fed the ducks and the pigeons. As the mayor, now relieved, walked toward his car and noticed a large group of pigeons flocked by his car. He ran to his car only to find that it had been pecked at and was smothered in pigeon
faecal matter. The mayor yelled in anger and made up his mind. He was going to get rid of all the pigeons.
The mayor sent ads all over the paper alerted everyone that the mayor was offering one million dollars to anyone who could get rid of all the pigeons. After a long day of interviews with people and their crazy ideas, finally a man dressed in a suit and carrying a briefcase arrived. The man simply said, "I will get rid of all the pigeons effectively but under one condition, you must pay one million for every question you ask." The mayor told the man just do what he had to do. So the man opened the briefcase and a pink pigeon flew out. The mayor thought, "What a dumb idea!!." To his amazement, all the pigeons were shocked at the pink bird and started to follow it. The pink pigeon flew toward the
harbour and dove right in. All the pigeons followed and drowned. The pink pigeon flew out and back into the briefcase. The mayor was grateful and wrote out a check for one million dollars. Just as he was about to had the man the check he said, "I really have a question to ask you, you got any pink lawyers?"
55-
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
56-
A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting
something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.
Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"
"Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver.
"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.
"Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was fucked."
57-
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
58-
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, ATF, etc.
Now comes the Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service.
Can't you see them now? These highly trained men and women in their black outfits with initials in large yellow letters across their backs?
F. A. T. A. S. S. - - - - - - - I feel safer already !
59-
Benjy had been arrested and was now up before the judge.
The judge asks, "Do you admit you broke into the same clothes shop 3 times?"
"Yes," replies Benjy.
"Could you please tell the court what you stole." asks the judge.
"I stole a dress, your honour," replies Benjy.
"Just one dress? But you admitted to breaking in 3 times," says the judge.
"Yes I did, your honour," says Benjy, "but on two of those occasions, I broke in to return the dress I took before."
"Return the dress? Why? I don’t understand," says the judge.
"Because my wife Bette didn't like the design, your honour."
60-
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
61-
Two West Virginia lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills. She was attractive, but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.
One attorney said to the other, "Mary is so young and pretty she might be taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys. Why don't we teach her what's right and what's wrong?"
"Great idea," said the partner. You teach her what's right."
62-
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbour was called as a witness.
The defence attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir," answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh - excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
63-
Two cars are waiting at a stoplight. The light turns green, but he man in front doesn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow. The woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams curses at the man. The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the
policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She is quickly cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects. He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake, but you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping that guy off, and cussing a blue streak.
Then I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" and "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper stickers, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.
64-
A man is driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the police.
The policeman approaches him and asks "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"
"No" replies the policeman, "You were driving splendidly. The ugly, fat bird in the passenger seat gave it away."
65-
A man enters a police station, complaining that his camel had been kidnapped whilst he was out shopping. "I left it outside Safeway and when I returned it'd gone!"
"Don't worry," the policeman reassured him, "give me a description and I'll see what I can do."
"Well, it's camel coloured, hump on it's back, and it's a female."
"How do you know it's female?" the policeman asked.
"Because when I rode it, people used to shout, 'Look at the cunt on that camel!"
66-
A friend of mine is a Police Officer here in town and he mentioned the other day that he actually had pulled Janet Jackson over... I said, "Are you serious? What, was she speeding?"
He said, "Nah, she had a headlight out."
67-
Recently in Traffic Court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given
his OK for the man to park there.
The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.
The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you 57 dollars. Next..."
68-
A policeman returned home to his wife after duty one
November evening. He said to her 'You won’t believe what I saw this evening'.
'What was that ?' replied his wife.
'I was patrolling by the park and I met two youths, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks'.
'Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks' exclaimed his wife 'What did you do?'.
'Oh that was easy' said the policeman 'I charged one and let the other off'.
69-
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted-living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in
defence of herself.
"Your Honour," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."
70-
A man walks into an antique store, and starts looking around. All of the sudden he spies a huge brass rat in the corner. He falls in love with it, and so he takes it to the cashier. "The rat, eh?" says the old grizzly cashier. "um, yeah...how much?" replies our friend. "Well, five bucks for the rat--but 200 dollars for the story," he replied.
"I'll just take the rat, without the story." says the customer. He leaves the store, his precious brass rat tucked under his arm. Soon he begins to notice that a few rats are following him. He walks a few more blocks and the number of rats behind him increased. This continued, until there were virtually hundreds of rats behind him. Afraid of this mass following, the man ran to the sea and threw the rat in. All of the rats plunged in after it and met their watery deaths. The man ran back to the antique store.
The old cashier was chuckling to himself. "So now do you want the story?"
"No," said the man, "but have you got any brass lawyers?"
71-
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
72-
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighbourhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally". On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, and they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and its fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says: "We've got to give it back". She says, "Finders keepers" and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home. One knocks on the door and says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" She says: "No".. The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man says: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..." At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner and says: "We're outta here ..."
73-
A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
74-
A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hits the roof and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. Still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk... Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
75-
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: "SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING".
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: "SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY".
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign. He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
"NUDIST COLONY – Go slow and watch out for the chicks".
76-
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honour," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honour. That's why I want the divorce." he replied.
77-
Harry and Samantha, both high-flying City lawyers, were on holiday together. They were driving Harry's car, a classic gull-wing Mercedes, over thirty years old, and worth half a million pounds, on a touring holiday of the West Country.
On the third day of their holiday, they left their hotel straight after breakfast, and set off down country lanes. By eleven o'clock, they were lost.
As they were still at the lovey-dovey stage of their relationship, there was no invective or recrimination in their conversation, just a desire to sort the problem out.
After ten minutes, they rounded a corner, and saw, ahead of them, a pedestrian.
Obviously elderly, but upright and alert, and well-dressed, he seemed to be the answer to their prayers. [Alright, most City lawyers don't pray. They don't recognise any form of life higher than a lawyer. It was a figure of speech. Live with it!]
Harry slowed the car to a stop alongside the man.
'Morning,' he said.
The pedestrian tuned and looked at Harry, and Samantha, and the car, and allowed that it may, indeed, be morning.
'We were wondering if you could tell us where we were,' Harry went on.
'Yes .... ' the oldster replied.
'Well, where are we?' asked Samantha, a little sharply.
'In a car,' the oldster retorted.
'Right,' said Harry, 'if I can guess what your profession was before you retired, will you tell us where we are, geographically, and how to get to Huish Episcopi?'
The old gentleman looked a little surprised for a moment, then smiled, just a little. 'Very well'.
'You', said Harry, were a Senior civil Servant, in charge of drafting answers to possible supplementary questions at Prime Minister's Question Time.'
The old fellow looked astonished.
'Yes, I was. How did you know?'
'Easy', said Harry. 'Your answers are short, accurate, ambiguous, and add precisely nothing to the information already known to the questioner.'
78-
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant : No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalty is for perjury?
Defendant : Yeah, and it's a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
79-
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court, but custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children.
The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
80-
The telephone rings,
"Smith,Smith,Smith,Smith & Smith, barristers and solicitors at law, may I help you?"
"I'd like to speak to Mr.Smith please"
"I'm sorry but Mr.Smith is in the Supreme Court today"
"Oh! then can I speak to Mr. Smith please?"
"I'm terribly sorry but Mr.Smith is sick and will not be in today"
"Oh! well may I speak to Mr.Smith please?"
"Mr. Smith is attending a conference on street gangs and will be tied up all day"
"Dear oh dear, then may I speak to Mr.Smith please?"
"You have just missed him, he has just gone to lunch with a client"
"Well in that case can I speak to Mr.Smith please?"
"Yes, speaking"
81-
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she sped up.
When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles per hour.
The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her. Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and darted into the ladies' room.
Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her.
Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet not one of you thought I was going to make it."
82-
I was at the police station because I was done for drink driving. The urine sample was positive so I stole it.
Now they're doing me for taking the piss out of the police station.
83-
Joshua worked for "Levine’s Tailors" and was a successful salesman. He was always polite to his customers and as a result was nearly always able to sell a suit to anyone who walked into the shop. So it was a surprise when, after 10 successful years, he resigned to join the police force.
His father couldn’t understand why his son should give up a good job to become a policeman. So at the end of Joshua’s first week, he rang Joshua to ask how he liked his new job.
"Well dad," Joshua replied, "It’s nice of you to ask. The salary is just about OK, the hours aren't as bad as I thought they would be and my colleagues are a great bunch. But what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
84-
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia.
An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court, but custody of the children was a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children.
The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
85-
WHO SAYS THAT COPS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR?
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun"
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh . did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides and eat cotton candy."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
86-
A farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce. "He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones," said the wife to the lawyer.
"How do you mean?" asked the lawyer.
"Well, Mr. Jones, this morning I was looking at the chickens when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!" exclaimed Mrs. Smith.
"Chickens, Mrs. Smith, I didn't know you kept chickens?" the lawyer said surprised.
"We don't, Mr. Jones. This was in the supermarket."
87-
It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the Yuppette accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, and told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.
When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer said, "Isn't it true on the night of June 12th, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle that passed through Columbia at speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?"
The Yuppette turned pale, but retained her remarkable self-control and composure. Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, "What was that date again?"
88-
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two
little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car.
They said "Heavens no, we bought it." He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".
Each of the women said "We can't drive".
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?"
They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting."
89-
A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door, the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"
That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
90-
Bill and Bob were walking their dogs when Bill said "I think that my dog would make a good police dog". Bob said "why, because he could sniff out drugs or attack bad guys?" Bill said "no, because he is stupid and likes doughnuts."
91-
It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge; three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.
The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about your Honour. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."
The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research' by now. My computer
says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine." He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify.
The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."
This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you had a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine." He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.
The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."
Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"
She sneered and replied, Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, I can't turn a single trick."
92-
Speed check Thought this might be of interest, you may not have realised that you've been 'clocked'.
One of my friends was speaking to a Traffic Policeman recently; he told him that due to the latest Freedom of Information Act the general public now has access to speed camera offences registered in the last twelve months.
Did you know that every time your car goes even 3 miles per hour over the speed limit it is registered and placed on a database? They only send you a ticket if you are way over OR every 5th time you do it.
You can now check how many you have against your car's registration number. Check this web page :
http://www.e-database.co.uk/
It will ask you for a password but just click on "need a login" and you will be given one in a pop up window. In the top right hand corner there is a "click- on" window and it even shows a picture taken by the camera. I must admit it's slowed me down a bit!
93-
Having flashed his light into the back of a parked Mini-Van behind a local burger joint, the Policeman gasped, "Are you two actually having sex in the parking lot?"
"Why no officer." drawled the sweet young thang. "This here fellow is just helping me practice in case I meet a strong handsome Policeman I could really go for."
94-
Cop lines
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
95-
A major investigation is under way today as to why 14 paedophiles were arrested by police in a major crackdown on these particular offenders. The investigation wants to know how each and every one of them was subsequently released immediately and without charge all on the same day.
A police spokesman said, “I don’t know what the fuss is all about, when we questioned these particular gentleman, they gave their names as Michael Jackson, so we thought, what the fuck, they’re bound to get away with it with a name like that, so we released them all”.
96-
"But officer," protested the teenage boy from the parked car. "We were only necking."
"OK," said the cop. "just put your neck back in your pants and get outta here."
97-
A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night..."Dad, listen," he shouted, "I've finally settled that old McKinney suit."
"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you fucking idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!"
98-
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said: "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it." "Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?" "Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the
Capitol." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?" " Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see yer problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase!"
99-
One should remember that calling 999 is sometimes a public service, done for the benefit of others.
One elderly male caller reported, "There's a woman over here doing some yard work in one of
those thong bikinis."
"Sir," said an exasperated dispatcher, "999 is an emergency number. What do you expect the police to do about a woman in a thong bikini?"
"Nothing," the guy said, "Just thought you fellows would like to know."
100-
Actual Responses in Court
Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th Q: What year? A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes Q: And what were you doing at the time?
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay? Q: What school did you go to? A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm. Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
101-
In most of the northern US states, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperature drops to single digits or below. One morning in March of 2004 about 3 am, a Minnesota State Police Officer responded to a call of 'a car off the shoulder outside the town of Grey Eagle'.
The officer located the car, with the engine still running but stuck in deep snow just off the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, the officer walked to the driver's door to find a man passed out behind the wheel with a near empty bottle of vodka on the seat beside him.
The officer tapped on the window and the driver woke up. Seeing the red and blue lights illuminating the scene and the State Policeman standing next to him, the man totally panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 mph but is was still stuck fast in the snow. The officer, having a great sense of humour, began running in place next to the speeding but still stationary car.
The driver totally freaked, thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds when the patrolman yelled at the man, ordering him to "Pull over!" The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. After the officer grabbed his keys, the drunken driver seemed mesmerised about the patrolman's special training and just how could he possibly run 50 mph? The man from Grey Eagle was arrested still believing that a state policeman had outrun his car!
102-
It’s good to see that the police are finally doing something about persistent fare dodgers on the London Underground.
103-
A policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit.
He asked the driver her name and where she was from.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Gladiolas Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee."
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said,
....."Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
104-
So this dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his.
The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"
"$7.98," the butcher replied.
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .
105-
"I have good news and bad news," the
defence lawyer says to his client.
"What's the bad news?" the client asks.
"The bad news is," the lawyer says, "the blood test came back. Your DNA is the exact match found at the murder scene."
"What's the good news?"
"Well," the lawyer says, "your cholesterol is down to 140."
106-
There are a lot of jokes about lawyers going to hell.
You fools, you are dealing with lawyers, not a bunch of yokels.
They are ready........witness the following Google entries for "Asbestos Lawyers" ~ 1,040,000 of them ~ and rising
107-
Taylor the Lawyer was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to split."
108-
An RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) officer stopped to help a stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the mountains.
It was extremely cold, and the rider was heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit.
In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie that the carburettor was frozen.
A motorcyclist himself, the Mountie remembered an old trick for just such an occasion. "Try peeing on it," the Mountie said, "That should unfreeze it."
"Can't," replied the rider.
So the helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally hosed down the
carburettor, and the bike soon fired up.
A few days later, the local department received a thank you note from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young daughter had received from the
RCMP.
109-
An Irish cop stopped a speeding car. The driver was a priest. Putting away his citation book, the cop said, "Father, I just stopped you to tell you there's a Protestant cop up the road a ways."
110-
A scruffy young man was questioned by one of New York's finest for peddling dirty pictures.
"But you're mistaken," said the kid. "These pictures aren't dirty."
Selecting one, the policeman said, "Do you mean to tell me this isn't a dirty picture?"
The young man responded, "Don't be such a prude, officer! Haven't you ever seen five people in love?"
111-
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting.
112-
A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket. The policeman says "Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!"
"Agreed!" answers the speeder.
"You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?"
"That's easy! It's a car!"
"Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket.
"Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy.
"Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the ticket!"
"Fair enough."
"You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"
"That's easy! It's a motorcycle!"
"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?"
"How the hell should I know!" answered the guy, exasperatedly.
"Sorry, you're getting the ticket!" responded the officer.
"Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then."
"Go ahead"
"You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.
"Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!"
"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"
113-
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partner.
114-
Have you anything to say for yourself," the judge said to the hard-bitten defendant after hearing the case.
"Fuck all," muttered the defendant.
"What did the fellow say?" asked the old judge who was a little hard of hearing.
The clerk spoke close to the judge's good ear. "He said 'fuck all!' your worship."
That's strange," replied the judge. "I'm sure I saw his lips move."
115-
It seems female inmates in
a New Jersey prison are answering the phones and staffing the state's tourist hotline.
They get 58 cents an hour when people call and they tell people what to visit in New Jersey.
And, for $2.99 a minute, they'll tell you what they're going to do to you when you get there.
116-
Good-looking lawyers earn 14% more than unattractive lawyers.
That makes sense. If you know you're going to get screwed, wouldn't you prefer a
good-looking person?
117-
A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun.
Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.
Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public He asked the couple.
Being embarrassed at being caught said yes and apologized.
"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."
So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behaviour.
After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for.
He responded....Doing 69 in a 30 mph speed zone!"
118-
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
119-
A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, " I've got good news, and bad news for you."
The prisoner says, " Okay, what's the bad news ? "
" the bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your execution !"
" Oh that's terrible. What possibly could be the good news ?"
" The good news is that I got Your Voltage Reduced "
120-
Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes late.
The one who's been waiting asks his partner: "What kept you?"
"I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tyre."
"A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"
"No, the kid had it under his coat."
121-
The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.
The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."
122-
It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his partner. "When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party, see, and pretty soon I noticed this fabulous little bird giving me the eye. Then she asked me to take her home. And just as soon as we were in the car, she unzipped me and went right down on the old fella - and I still didn't even know her name."
"So what did you do?" asked the other cop.
"Well, I figured this was one situation where I'd shoot first and ask questions afterward."- - - - -
123-
BELIEVE it or not, These are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
124-
The detective was leafing through the suspect's
crime history folder. "Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit- and-run, disorderly conduct, armed robbery, sexual assault, sexual assault, rape, manslaughter..."
"Yeah, I know." said the prisoner. "It took me quite a while to figure out what I was good
at."
125-
"In Texas, for the second time in a month, a man was arrested for publicly masturbating.
Not surprisingly, the man doesn't want a lawyer because he claims he can get himself off."
126-
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
127-
Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said.
"Well, Your Honour," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.
"Exactly, Your Honour. That's why I want the divorce!"
128-
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey sarge, why did you stop?"
The sarge replied, "Stupid rookie, he's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
129-
These are true, I was a Sheriff and these are some of the excuses I heard. I actually wrote very few, about 1-2 a week, but when they came up with really lame excuses, I just had to.
People who got the ticket;
Guy on a motorcycle doing 110mph at 1 in the morning "I was cold so I wanted to get home fast"
Old lady doing 88 in a 25 zone "I was checking to see if my muffler was leaking"
Vietnamese woman doing 45 in a 25 school zone "No speaka english" After receiving the ticket "you son of a bitch, you wrote me a ticket!"
People who did not get a ticket;
I paced a guy going 90 mph for about 5 miles. When I noticed he had a radar detector on his dash (Yes, that's how close I was and he didn't look in his rearview mirror once!) I reached over and activated my radar. I saw his detector light up and he hit his brakes so hard he skidded into the ditch! I was laughing so hard that I couldn't write him, but I did call for a tow truck. He was a little embarrassed
Guy doing 70 in a 35 zone "I just won the lottery" He really did, but he was heartbroken when I explained that the lottery office was closed on Sundays!
But this guy was my favourite; I caught a guy in a Porsche Cabriolet doing 125mph in a 65 zone. I told him to explain why he was going so fast. He showed me the purchase papers for the car and said "I've waited my whole life to own this car. I bought it yesterday and have been driving it ever since. It was 4 in the morning, no one else was around, and I just wanted to really open it up once, to see what it would do.
I handed him back his license and said "That makes perfect sense to me".
130-
A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate.
So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun.
Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside.
All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window.
The cop could hardly contain himself.
"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized.
"Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket."
So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their
behaviour.
After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for.
Her boyfriend replied, "Doing 69 in a 35 zone."
131-
This was apparently in the Washington Post the title of which was "Best Come Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor.
"I walked up to Lawrence and he was just...... pumping away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,
A pumpkin? Fuck me, is it midnight already?"
132-
"But officer," protested the teenage boy from the parked car. "We were only necking."
"OK," said the cop. "just put your neck back in your pants and get outta here."
133-
Mr. and Mrs. Ficucci come before the judge for their divorce hearing. The judge asks, "What are the grounds?"
Mrs. Ficucci says, "Cruel and inhuman punishment. He tied me to the bed and then forced me to sing 'Jingle Bells' while he pissed all over me."
The judge says, "My God, that's horrible."
She replied, "Yes your honour ! He knows how much I hate that song."
134-
A lady has a breakdown and pulls to the side of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Emergency flashers -- what else?" she replied.
135-
Two policemen, one a rookie, the other an older redneck cop, were making their rounds through a lover's lane type of spot, when they spied a very young couple fooling around in a tent. "Cletus, what should we do?"
The rookie cop always deferred to his more experienced partner. Cletus spat some tobacco juice on the ground. "Bo, we tell the little punk to scram, and then we have some fun with little Miss Purty, or we throw 'em both in jail. That's what we do!"
Cletus told Bo to go first, and Bo did. The boy ran off into the woods and Cletus watched the tent shake, rattle and roll for the next ten minutes. The girl didn't seem to be too upset that her little boyfriend was gone either!
Bo came back to the car zipping up his uniform, and Cletus went drooling to the tent. Cletus entered and said, "Now, little girl, you're gonna find out what it's like with a real man."
From under the blanket, Cletus heard an incredulous familiar voice exclaim, "Daddy?"
136-
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them..........you get a bicycle!"
137-
Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such.
But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so!
Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you?"
Wally replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?," cried Max!! "What in the world for?"
"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
"Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think, that an old guy like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'.
The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury.
138-
As reported earlier this week, some dirtbag who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A statewide manhunt ensued. The low-life piece of human garbage was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit said low-life 68 times.
Now here's the kicker: Asked why they shot the guy 68 times, Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd told the
Orlando Sentinel.
"That's all the bullets we had."
139-
Goldman and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Goldman to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"
"Guilty."
"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court." Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places. "How do you plead?" asked Goldman.
"Guilty."
Goldman reflected for a moment. "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail."
140-
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an AssHole!"
Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the
defence attorney asks the Officer, "Is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?
The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH , underlined."
Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer"?
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"
Attorney: Aggressive and Hostile"?
Officer: "Yes Sir?
Attorney: "Officer,,,, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do" !
141-
A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and
scratches out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."
142-
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass Love It."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
143-
My former boyfriend Duncan was an officer in the Naval Reserve. One day, while stopped at a red light, his car was rear-ended. As the other driver, a sailor, approached, his eyes widened when he saw the lieutenant's uniform.
"It gets even better," Duncan said with a smirk. "I'm also a lawyer."
144-
The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene? "
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
145-
A girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I was raped by an Idiot!!" she wailed.
"How do you know he was an Idiot?" the detective asked.
"I had to help him!" the girl replied.
146-
IT'S THE LAW
ALASKA Laws
In Alaska, it is legal to shoot bears. However, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.
FLORIDA laws
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday. (But... married women can??)
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (Like, who'd wanna?)
It is illegal to skateboard without a license. (How'd them 6-y/o's get licenses?)
When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.
You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
It is considered an offence to shower naked. (honey, give me yo ur panties... I gotta shower!)
Oral sex is illegal.
You may not kiss your wife's breasts. (But if she is NOT your wife, you can?)
DUMB TENNESSEE LAWS
You can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.
Hollow logs may not be sold.
Any person crippling, killing or in any way destroying a proud female dog that is running at large shall not be held liable for the damages due to such killing or destruction.
More than 8 women may not live in the same house because that would constitute a brothel.
It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
"Crimes against nature" are prohibited.
Stealing a horse is punishable by hanging.
Driving is not to be done while asleep.
The age of consent is 16, but 12 if the girl is a virgin.
It is legal to gather and consume roadkill.
TENNESSEE, Dyersburg
It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
TENNESSEE, Fayette County
You may not have more than five inoperable vehicles on a piece of property.
TENNESSEE, Lenoir City
When you pull up to a stop sign you must fire a gun out the window to warn horse carriages that you are coming.
TENNESSEE, Lexington
No one may eat ice cream on the sidewalk. Spitting on the sidewalk Is prohibited.
TENNESSEE, Knoxville
In front of their buildings, all businesses must have a "hitching post."
TENNESSEE, Memphis
Illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. (Wonder how much they enforce this?)
It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM.
Panhandlers must first obtain a $10 permit before begging on the streets of downtown Memphis.
(Passed in 1996) It is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners.
It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises.
TENNESSEE, Oneida
An ordinance forbids anyone to sing the song "It Ain't Goin' To Rain No Mo'."
WISCONSIN Laws
One may not camp in a wagon on any public highway or risk a fine of up to ten dollars. (Beats the hell outta Sheraton Hotel bills!)
Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.
It is a class A misdemeanour to wave a burning torch around in the air.
The government may not prohibit manual flushed urinals.
Livestock have the right-of-way on public roads.
Junk dealers may not make any business transactions with drunk persons.
The state definition of rape stated that it was a man having sex with a woman he knows not to be his wife. That would mean that women could not be guilty of rape and neither could men who thought they were married to the woman.
It is illegal to kiss on a train.
If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day.
It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.
WYOMING Laws
All new buildings that cost over $100,000 to build must have 1% of funds spent on art work for the building. (I wonder how many
people got arrested for not doing that?)
Any person who fails to close a fence is subject to a fine of up to seven hundred and fifty dollars. (What about
trick'or treaters who LEAVE people's gates open intentionally?)
It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking. (I can see the cop with a measuring rule standing nearby watching!)
It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs people's view in a public theatre or place of amusement. (Now THAT makes sense!! I can remember in my younger days, wanting to 'bitch-slap' women who wore opera hats to the movies and blocked my view of the screen!)
147
A young woman, several months pregnant, boarded a bus and sat opposite a young man, he smiled, and feeling embarrassed she changed her seat. But it was to no avail, for the young man smiled even more broadly when she sat down. Again she moved to another seat, he grinned and again after the fourth move, the young man just rolled up and roared with laughter. The woman complained and duly summoned him.
Judge: Well, young man, have you anything to say in your defence against this charge?
The young man: Well, your Honour, when the young lady entered the bus, her condition was obvious. However, that did not prompt my smile, but she sat under an advertisement that read: "Coming shortly - The Gold Rush Twins." The lady seemed indignant when I smiled and she got up and took another seat beneath a shaving stick advertisement, which read: "William's stick did the trick." She moved a third time and sat beneath a poster that read: "Sloane's liniments will remove swelling." It was after she had moved her seat fourth time that I lost control of my merriment for the above was a slogan: "Dunlop Rubber Goods would have prevented this accident."
148-
An Irishman stood in the dock accused of stealing a can of tinned
tomatoes. The judge said he would send him to jail for six months, one month for each tomato in the tin he had
stolen. The Irishman said to his solicitor,' thank God I put the tin of beans back.'
149-
A man was questioned by the police for throwing petrol bombs into a crowd.
The police questioned: "What are you doing?"
Man replied, "About 20 to the gallon"
150-
A local prostitute was brought before the court of Queen's Bench for solicitation. The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman was claiming not guilty when police had caught her in the act.
The judge questioned her about her plea of not guilty.
"I am celibate." the young woman declared.
"Celibate?" the judge asked, wide-eyed. "How can you claim you are celibate?"
"It is my business to be celibate. I sell a bit here, I sell a bit there....."
151-
The Ku Klux Klan gathering was in full swing with 20 Klansmen who were gathered around 2 blacks who were being torched with burning tyres when the local
sheriff and his deputies drove in and arrested them all.
They were all up in court the next morning charged with mixing radials and cross plies.
152-
Old Ben was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Ben would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful
odours coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
One day, Ben was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."
Ben refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turns to Ben and said, "What do you have to say to that?"
Ben didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that gesture?"
Ben replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
153-
Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"
Leon: "Yes, your honour."
Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your name is Mr... Leon Shitferbrains, is it?"
Leon: "Yes, your honour."
Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?"
Leon: " Melvin, your honour."
154-
Brother Jon is now in law school, and he writes:
Unlike the other students, when I see "respondeat superior," I look up the damn thing. Here's what happened in class yesterday:
Professor: "Ms. Blongelli, please brief Gefunt v. Rossi, Inc."
Ms. B: "Oh!! Uhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm." [Scrambles through book.]
Professor: "Go on." Ms. B: "It had to do with an accident?" [Rising inflection.] [Silence and stare from professor.]
Ms. B: "Um, Gefunt was, like, run over by this guy who, like, worked, I mean, I think he, like, drove a truck for someone? Is that right? Question mark? Hello?"
Professor: "Continue."
Ms. B: "Well, he, like, sued and I think, I'm not sure, but I think they, like, held something reversed."
Professor: "The court reversed on appeal for respondeat superior."
Ms. B: "Yeah. That's it!!" [Smiles. Closes book. Receives applause and congratulations from other students.]
Professor: "What does that mean?"
Ms. B:"Oh!! Uhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmm."
Professor: "Mr. Umbridge?"
Mr. U: "Sumbich ran over that jogger while speeding back to work in the company pick'em-up truck after porking his girl friend on company time, if you know what I mean. The jogger, that'd be Mr. Gefunt, sued the sumbich's company fer letting him drive that damn heap in the first place. Them dumbasses in the downtown courthouse turned Mr. Gefunt down flat. Then he appealed to people with some sense in their haids, pleading 'respondeat superior,' or, in real language, 'let that sumbich's boss pay for it,' 'cause he been lettin' that sumbich get away with that shit for years, all on company time. Court up in the capital said, 'Hell, yeah! Ya'll cain't let that sumbich drive around like that and pretend he's not on company time. Them dumbasses downtown is gonna take this pig back and dress it up right.' Re-fukkin'-versed!' "
Professor: "Mmmmmm. Technically, that's correct. But perhaps now would be a good time to discuss certain issues involving legal writing and oral presentations."
Mr. U: "Why?"
Third Student: "Wait. What does, like, "affirmed," mean? You know, like, in case I, like, have to answer the next one or something?"
155-
LAWYER: "On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?"
WITNESS: "I did."
LAWYER: "And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?"
WITNESS: "I did."
LAWYER: "And did you observe anything?"
WITNESS: "I did." (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: "Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?"
WITNESS: "I saw George."
LAWYER: " You saw George, the defendant in this case?"
WITNESS: "Yes."
LAWYER: "Can you tell the Court what George was doing?"
WITNESS: "Yes." (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: "Well, would you kindly do so?"
WITNESS: " He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks."
LAWYER: "His 'thing?'"
WITNESS: "You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis."
LAWYER: "You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?"
WITNESS: "Yes."
LAWYER: "Did you say anything to him?"
WITNESS: "Of course, I did!"
LAWYER: "What did you say to him?"
WITNESS: "Morning, George."
156-
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
157-
This was reputedly recently in a Seattle Paper... The title of the article was "Best Come Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone interview.
Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Mr. Aylor and he's just banging away at this pumpkin." Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Aylor.
"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said..."A pumpkin? ..... Shit...is it midnight already?"
158-
I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.
I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker.
I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over- aerobicised woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.
Meet Ethel, the neighbourhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot."
I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this.
As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again.
Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.
"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"
"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"
"You were speeding. I watched you."
"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator)
"I heard you."
"So, you measured my speed by ear?"
"I can hear."
"How fast did you HEAR me going?"
"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."
THE POLICE?
This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.
"What happened?" he asks.
I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.
"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.
She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C. A. R. B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop.
She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says, "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal."
I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn. "These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop, "Which makes them street legal as a replacement."
Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this jerk?"
The cop says, "No, I am not." I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable
offence."
"What?" The cop looks confused.
"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (my new
favourite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable
offence."
The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."
"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."
The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge!
Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.
Yeah, I've got a law degree, and I'm not afraid to use it.
159-
Most ridiculous British laws:
It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament
It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down
In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store
Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day
In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter
In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet
The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen
It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing
It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour
In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow
Most ridiculous foreign laws:
In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk
In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation
In Bahrain, a male doctor can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror
In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm
In Alabama, it is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle
In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed
In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth
In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except at funerals or hospital visits
In Japan, there is no age of consent
In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon
160-
"Hello may I speak to the Commanding Officer of Fleet Marine Amphibious Group Six."
"Speaking, how may I help you sir."
"Yea, well good morning. I'm Sheriff Johnny Griffin of Duncan County Georgia. I'm calling about an unfortunate incident that happened here this weekend between four of my off-duty deputies and your Gunnery Sergeant John Anthony Taylor."
"Yes sheriff I am familiar with the incident, how can I help you?"
"Well first I'd lak ta pologize fer four of ma men jumpin on the Gunny lak that. In all fairness they shouldn't have attackted him lak they did, but in their defense ah hafta say they had been adrinkin. Anyway that ain't no excuse. They shouldn't of jumped him lak they did. Also ah wants ya to know that we all have a great deal of respect fer the military and had they known he was a Marine, they probably wouldn't jumped him lak they did. See he was eyeballin Paula the bartender and they didn't take too kindly to it. They saw his Eagle and glove Marine emblem on his t-shirt and they just kinda tore into him. Anyways I really regret that it happened."
"I'm sure you do sheriff."
"Well ah just called to pass on the good news to you and hope that you'll pass it on to Gunnery Sargeant Tarylor. The good news is that all four of my deputies.....they's all gonna live.
Jones will have a permanent limp but the doctor says he will eventually walk again.
Wilcox can talk again since they installed the larynx box and they hope to be able to pull Markam's nose out of his skull later this week.
They successfully removed the size 13 spit-shined shoe out of Harris' ass this morning and the doc says within two weeks he'll be able to sit again. By the way I will be amailing that shoe back to ya."
"I'm glad that they're all recovering so nicely sheriff."
"Yea me too. Me too. Oh could I ask you a favour?"
"Sure sheriff, what is it?"
"Please don't let anymore of your Marines into Paula's beer joint. I'm down to me and one deputy."
"I'll put if off limits right away sheriff."
"Gunnery Sergeant I just received a report that you were involved in an "altercation" with four civilians at Paula's Bar in Duncan Georgia this past Saturday."
"Yes sir, that's correct sir."
"Well along with the report came these pictures, can you explain them to me."
"Well yes sir, I was sitting drinking my beer talking to the female bartender when these four guys yelled and charged at me."
"Well would you be kind enough to explain what happened next?"
"Well sir an "altercation" broke out."
"Well Gunny lets start with the first picture here, its marked Mr. Jones."
"Well sir, he was the first one to come at me, I grabbed him and tried to hold him as he repeatedly attacked my fist with his face."
"I see, and how did he break his leg?"
"Apparently it was when he flew out the second floor window sir."
"What about photo number two Mr. Duncan it says."
"Sir it appeared to me that Mr. Duncan had severe intestinal gas. Anyway a vacuum formed in his intestines which caused my foot to rise with unusual force and lodge itself in his ass , plugging the vacuum that was emanating from his rectum. He too departed by the same window."
"I see and Mr. Wilcox here."
"Unfortunately Mr. Wilcox swung at me and missed but unfortunately his forward momentum caused him to trip and the poor fellow fell into my palm and struck it with the brunt of his neck."
"Ok and Mr. Markum here?"
"Mr. Markum's nose charged my elbow sir.
"Did he manage to successfully engage your elbow with his nose."
"He did sir."
"And how long did this entire incident take Gunny?"
"I would estimate 20 to 30 seconds sir."
"And what did you do when it was over?"
" I finished my beer and continued talking to the bartender sir."
"Thank you Gunnery Sergeant, that will be all."
161-
Working as a court reporter, I hear to a lot of testimony that you won't hear on LAW AND ORDER, including the following give-and-take between the judge and a mother during a paternity suit. Judge: "Was this child born out of wedlock?" Mother: "No, sir, just outside of Louisville."
162-
A news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a
phoney cheque and took him down to the station. While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed the
cheque off the desk and swallowed it.
No problem: the police waited five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad
cheque twice...
163-
The D.A. stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict. Bitterly he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?".
The foreman answered, "Insanity.".
The D.A. said, "All twelve of you?"
164-
Subject: UK v USA v OZ Police
Question:
How do you tell the difference between a UK Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
Answer: Pose the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, and raises the knife and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?'
UK Police Officer's Answer:
1) Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
2) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Could we run away?
5) Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
6) What does the law say about this situation?
7) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
8) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
9) Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
12) Should I call 9-9-9?
13) Why is this street so deserted?
14) We need to raise taxes, have a paint-and-weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour?
15) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away; do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?
16) If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?
Australian Officer's Answer:
1) BANG!
American Officer's Answer:
1) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click....(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!!!!!!!!!!!
Click.
Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?''.
165-
Interpreting A Police Report
What the report SAID (1), What the report MEANT (2)
(1) While on routine patrol...
(2) I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.
(1) The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner.
(2) He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN- DON'T FEED THE PIGS"
(1) The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control.
(2) It was raining.
(1) This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
(2) It was too hot to ride in the car.
(1) I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner...
(2) The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.
(1) Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
(2) He puked on my uniform one night...
(1) The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past...
(2) I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...
(1) While being arrested, this subject resisted arrest, and was injured in the act...
(2) He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirrored sunglasses...
(1) The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...
(2) I wrote one citation for each swearword he used...
(1) Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door...
(2) The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.
(1) The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies...
(2) I sent then to a non-existent address which I called the "Command Post."
(1) I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding...
(2) She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.
(1) The Chief appeared at the scene and took command...
(2) I sent him to the same address as the reporters.
(1) Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions.
(2) It was my bowling night...
(1) The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage.
(2) He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.
(1) Using only enough force to restrain the subject...
(2) My favorite song is "Drop-kick me Jesus Through the Goal Post of Life"
(1) The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment...
(2) I told him he didn't have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.
166-
"In Florida, a woman who's a special-needs teacher by day, has been arrested for working as a prostitute at night.
When asked about it, the woman said her clients at night also have "special needs."
167-
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services.
"My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."
The client opened the wallet, removed a one thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
168-
The Federal Witness Protection Program has come up with a sure-fire method for making absolutely certain that people entering the program are NEVER found by anyone.
They just change the witness's name to G. Spot.
169-
The divorce court was attentive as the wife complained to the Judge that her husband had
claimed that he left her bed and board. When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied,
"Your Honour, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed 'bored'."
170-
A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial, the man is sent down for murder and, seeing as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution, he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch, sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears, the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time, so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears, the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Well," says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises, the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up," says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that." He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana, isn't it?" he asked.
"Nahh," said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor."
171-
A guy from Dudley goes to enrol as a policeman and during his induction exams, scores the highest marks ever seen in the area. His training sergeant tells him his marks are quite remarkable and he only has one more obstacle to becoming a policeman: 'You have to take one more test with the induction sergeant and you're in...'
So, off he goes and the induction sergeant says: 'Can you use a pistol?' 'Yes,' he says: 'I've just left the army after 18 years.' "Good,' says the sergeant: 'Go to the armoury, get yourself a pistol, then go out and shoot six Pakistanis and a rabbit.'
'What?' He thinks about it for a moment and then says: 'Why do I have to shoot a rabbit? ' 'Congratulations,' says the induction sergeant: 'you've passed the final test! Welcome to West Midlands Police!'
172-
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office,
ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door, a truck came
along, and completely tore off the driver's door! The attorney immediately
grabbed his cell phone, hit speed dial for 911, and had a policeman there in 3
minutes.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming
hysterically. He had just picked up the Lexus the day before, and now it would
never be the same, no matter how good a job the body shop does.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in
disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers
are," he said. " You are so focused on your possessions that you don't
notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" he responded indignantly.
The cop replied, "You didn't even notice that your left arm is missing from
the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"OH, NO!" screamed the lawyer in shock. "Where is my
Rolex?!"
173-
A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look." Whispering under her breath, the wife says "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!" Husband replies, "You're right, lets go to the beach." After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. "Put your
clothes on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!" Embarrassed, the husband admits "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week.
Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me." The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay."
174-
Did you hear about the 2 guys who stole a
calendar??
They got 6 months each.
175-
A policeman came up to me yesterday and said, "So, where were you between four and six?"
I said, "Fucking Primary School."
176-
A motorcycle cop comes across two bikers. One biker has two fingers up the ass of the other.
" What the hell are you doing?" asks the cop
" My buddy here's got some food stuck and is choking," says the one biker, "I'm trying to make him sick."
"You're meant to stick your fingers down his throat, not up his ass," replies the cop.
The first biker says, "Yeah, I know, but you get better results if you stick them up his ass first..."
177-
A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.
"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"
Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"
"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.
"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."
178-
Brother Jon is now in law school, and he writes:
Unlike the other students, when I see "respondeat superior," I look up the damn thing. Here's what happened in class yesterday:
Professor: "Ms. Blongelli, please brief Gefunt v. Rossi, Inc." Ms. B: "Oh!! Uhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm." [Scrambles through book.]
Professor: "Go on." Ms. B: "It had to do with an accident?" [Rising inflection.] [Silence and stare from professor.] Ms. B: "Um, Gefunt was, like, run over by this guy who, like, worked, I mean, I think he, like, drove a truck for someone? Is that right? Question mark? Hello?" Professor: "Continue." Ms. B: "Well, he, like, sued and I think, I'm not sure, but I think they, like, held something reversed."
Professor: "The court reversed on appeal for respondeat superior." Ms. B: "Yeah. That's it!!" [Smiles. Closes book. Receives applause and congratulations from other students.]
Professor: "What does that mean?" Ms. B:"Oh!! Uhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmm."
Professor: "Mr. Umbridge?" Mr. U: "Sumbich ran over that jogger while speeding back to work in the company pick'em-up truck after porking his girl friend on company time, if you know what I mean. The jogger, that'd be Mr. Gefunt, sued the sumbich's company fer letting him drive that damn heap in the first place. Them dumbasses in the downtown courthouse turned Mr. Gefunt down flat. Then he appealed to people with some sense in their haids, pleading 'respondeat superior,' or, in real language, 'let that sumbich's boss pay for it,' 'cause he been lettin' that sumbich get away with that shit for years, all on company time. Court up in the capital said, 'Hell, yeah! Ya'll cain't let that sumbich drive around like that and pretend he's not on company time. Them dumbasses downtown is gonna take this pig back and dress it up right.' Re-fukkin'-versed!' "
Professor: "Mmmmmm. Technically, that's correct. But perhaps now would be a good time to discuss certain issues involving legal writing and oral presentations."
Mr. U: "Why?"
Third Student: "Wait. What does, like, "affirmed," mean? You know, like, in case I, like, have to answer the next one or something?"
179-
LAWYER: "On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?"
WITNESS: "I did."
LAWYER: "And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duckpond?"
WITNESS: "I did."
LAWYER: "And did you observe anything?"
WITNESS: "I did." (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: "Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?"
WITNESS: "I saw George."
LAWYER: " You saw George, the defendant in this case?"
WITNESS: "Yes."
LAWYER: "Can you tell the Court what George was doing?"
WITNESS: "Yes." (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: "Well, would you kindly do so?"
WITNESS: " He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks."
LAWYER: "His 'thing?'"
WITNESS: "You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis."
LAWYER: "You passed close by the duckpond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?"
WITNESS: "Yes."
LAWYER: "Did you say anything to him?"
WITNESS: "Of course, I did!"
LAWYER: "What did you say to him?"
WITNESS: "Morning, George."
180-
Saw a headline in the news last week
"Police hunt missing criminal." How is that a headline? Isn't that just their job description?
181-
It's amazing the service that we, the taxpayer, get from the Police these days.
A couple of months ago, some Police officers kicked my front door in and took my broken computer away. I wasn't quite sure what was going on but they returned it two months later and it was working fine again. They even paid for a new front door and gave me a grand for my trouble. Brilliant service!
But the best bit is, I've put my old hard drive back in it and can now watch all my favourite kiddie porn again.
Thanks guys. Top job.
182-
Interpreting A Police Report
What the report SAID (1), What the report MEANT (2)
(1) While on routine patrol...
(2) I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.
(1) The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner.
(2) He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN- DON'T FEED THE PIGS"
(1) The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control.
(2) It was raining.
(1) This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
(2) It was too hot to ride in the car.
(1) I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner...
(2) The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.
(1) Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
(2) He puked on my uniform one night...
(1) The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past...
(2) I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...
(1) While being arrested, this subject resisted arrest, and was injured in the act...
(2) He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirrored sunglasses...
(1) The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...
(2) I wrote one citation for each swearword he used...
(1) Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door...
(2) The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.
(1) The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies...
(2) I sent then to a non-existent address which I called the "Command Post."
(1) I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding...
(2) She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.
(1) The Chief appeared at the scene and took command...
(2) I sent him to the same address as the reporters.
(1) Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions.
(2) It was my bowling night...
(1) The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage.
(2) He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.
(1) Using only enough force to restrain the subject...
(2) My favourite song is "Drop-kick me Jesus Through the Goal Post of Life"
(1) The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment...
(2) I told him he didn't have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.
183-
NEWSFLASH!!!
A man who robbed banks and building societies, disguised as a woman, has finally been caught.
The judge gave him a long prison sentence, and warned him that his career as a female impersonator was probably not over just yet...
184-
In a perfect world... spammers would get caught, go to jail, and share a cell with many men who have enlarged their penises, taken Viagra and are looking for a new relationship.
185-
Apparently a lot of sniffer dogs are vanishing into thin air.
Police say they have several leads...
186-
Signs That You Might Need A New Lawyer
* During the trial, you catch him playing his Gameboy.
* Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniel's to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
* He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
* He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
* Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
* Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
* The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
* Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
* He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
* Giggles hysterically at the mere mention of the Penal Code.
* Constantly raising objections to the "vibes" he's getting from the jury.
* Every time the judge sustains one of his objections, he screams, "Yahtzee!"
* Offers to waive his usual fees in exchange for your panties.
* You met him in prison.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high- five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
187-
Visibility wasn't good the other day, when I got pulled over by a traffic cop doing 70mph.
He said, "What would you do if Mr Fog came down suddenly?"
"I would put Mr Foot on Mr Brake", I replied.
"Let me start again", he said, "What would you do if mist or fog came down suddenly?"
188-
it could spell disaster.
189-
Nathan is talking to his lawyer. "Here's the deal, Abe. If you're absolutely sure I'll win the case, I'll give you the business."
"OK," replies Abe, "but before I can give you my opinion, I obviously need to know the facts."
So Nathan goes into great detail about his failed partnership and ends up saying, "So now you've heard everything, do you think I can sue my partner and get my money back?"
"Well," replies Abe, "from what I've just heard, it's clear to me that you will win. It's rare to have such an open-and-shut case."
Nathan goes very white when he hears this.
"What's the matter?" asks Abe.
"I told you my partner's side of the case," replies Nathan.
190-
Correspondence from a member of the public:
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car
before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like. I trust that when I take a
claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant ?????????
*****************************************
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards PC ??? ????????????? Community Beat Officer
*****************************
Dear PC ?????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain
(using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
Regards ???????
P. S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.
191-
A young man had engaged the services of a streetwalker, and had taken her to his apartment for the evening's revelry. However, she refused to undress until payment in full for her services was made in advance. After some haggling, the young man agreed to her terms and he placed five crisp ten dollar bills in her hand. As soon as she had deposited the 50 dollars in her stocking, she bolted and started running down the stairs. The young man followed her into the street and chased her around the corner, yelling, "Stop, thief! Stop!" The girl ran, and the young man stayed in hot pursuit, around corner after corner. He was surprised, finally, to find her waiting for him -not of her own accord, but firmly in the grip of a policeman who had heard his cries and had stopped the girl as she ran by. The officer asked: "Is this the thief you were chasing?" "Yes," replied the victim, breathless. "I've been chasing her for blocks."
"What do you want me to do with her?" the cop inquired.
The young man fought to regain his wind. "Do whatever you want with her," he answered. "It's already paid for."
192-
I was driving home from the pub last night when I got stopped by a policewoman.
She walked over to the car and said, "Have we had a drink, sir?"
I said, "Nah, but I might have shagged you at a party".
193-
A Muslim man has just driven his car into the retaining wall of the Sheffield Reservoir.
Police believe it may be the start of Ramadam.
194-
"THINGS POLICE WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW"
1. Your 5-year-old kid getting pushed down by another 5-year-old kid is NOT a police matter; talk to the other kid's parents, not the police.
2. If your kid won't do his homework or do his chores, 911 is not the answer.
3. If a cop causes a car accident we usually get a ticket, and sometimes we get suspended. When is the last time you got three days off (without pay) for rear-ending a guy at Wal-Mart?
4. We know you've had more than two beers. When I've had two beers, I didn't hit six parked cars, drive my car through the front doors of a Toys-R-Us, pee my pants or pass out at a traffic light.
5. When you see an emergency vehicle behind you with its lights and sirens on, pull to the RIGHT, and stop. We are usually required to pass cars on the left.
6. When you're driving in the fast lane and you see a cop behind you, don't go five MPH under the speed limit. We are not impressed by how safe of a driver you can be, we're trying to go help someone (or catch that guy in the SUV that just cut you off). Safely move over and let us pass please.
7. If you get a warning instead of a ticket from a motorcycle cop, go buy a lottery ticket, because you've already beaten the odds.
8. When you see an officer conducting a traffic stop, or with a suspect in handcuffs, it is generally not a good idea to approach him and ask for directions. If you do, don't expect the officer to be nice when he tells you to get lost, and don't expect the officer to take the time to explain.
9. Here's how to get out of a ticket. Don't break the law.
10. If you drive a piece of crap, that is why you're getting pulled over. In one week I pulled over ten cars for minor traffic violations. Five out of ten had no vehicle insurance. Three out of ten had suspended driver's licenses. Two out of ten had warrants . One out of ten had felony warrants. One was a known sex offender with his twelve-year- old niece in the car without her mother's knowledge.
11. If you've just been pulled over doing 70 in a 35, do not greet the officer with, "What seems to be the problem officer?"
12. We get coffee breaks too.
13. When you're the victim of a burglary, take the time you spend waiting for the officer to find the model number and the serial number of the stuff that was taken.
14. Some cops are just jerks, but take heart in the fact that other cops don't like them either.
15. If it's nighttime and you're driving a vehicle with tinted windows and I pull you over, it's not because of your skin color. I usually can't tell if the vehicle even has a driver until the window is rolled down.
16. Every time you hear on the news about people running away from a crazed gunman, someone's son or daughter in a police uniform is running TOWARD that crazed gunman.
17. Yes, it's true, cops usually don't give other cops tickets. Think of it as an employee discount, perk or benefit. Other cops are family and you wouldn't give your brother a ticket if you were a cop either.
18. If your local police agency has a helicopter, everyone knows it's loud and annoying, but did you know it can cover the same area as twenty patrol officers and safely chase criminals that are driving 90 MPH through city streets. Many times the guy has no idea it's there and slows down.
19. Police work is... writing reports.
20. If you rob a gas station you're only going to get about $100, but I get to see a K9 dog use your arm as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep the $100.
21. In one year of patrol work in a large city, only about ten minutes would be cool enough to be on the television show COPS.
22. Every traffic stop could end in gunfire, but we have to be polite and professional until that time.
23. I've taken about the same amount of men and women to jail for domestic violence, so NO, it's not always the man.
24. People love firefighters but hate us.
25. If the light was yellow, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
26. Cops know you pay taxes and that your taxes pay cops' salaries. Cops also pay taxes, which also pay cops' salaries so, hey, this traffic stop is on me. Now sign here; press hard, there are four copies.
27. Police Officers... our job is to protect your butt, not kiss it.
195-
The police have taken my computer away, which is a bit worrying.
I'm not sure the Government needs to know how I feel about Schoolgirl Asian Sluts in order to fight terrorism.
196-
THE CHICAGO POLICE DEPARTMENT ANNOUNCED THIS MORNING THAT ALL GERMAN SHEPHERD POLICE DOGS WILL BE REPLACED BY COON HOUNDS, DUE TO THE FACT THE CITY IS NOT HAVING ANY PROBLEMS WITH GERMANS.
197-
A guy, out hunting in Alaska, accidentally shoots a polar bear. Realising his mistake, he reports the incident to the local ranger.
A week later, he gets a letter in the mail, telling him that he is being taken to court by the park service. Arriving at court, he explains to the judge what happened, and the judge comes to a decision.
"As you didn't kill this protected species intentionally, I don't intend to send you to prison", the judge says. "However, it is still a serious error on your part, and I intend to deal with you by way of a fine, based upon the body weight of the animal".
"For every one pound of body weight, you will be fined $10". Consulting his records, the judge finds the weight of the bear, as recorded by the park services, and calls for a calculator. After a minute of two, he calls the hunter to the bench, and gives his judgment; a fine of $9,000.
The representative of the park services jumps to his feet, and approaches the judge. "Your Honor", he says, "With the greatest respect, I believe you've made a mistake in your calculations".
"We weighed the animal shortly after it was shot, and it weighed a total of 1000 pounds". "Surely, based on that measurement, the fine should be $10,000".
The judge looks at the ranger, and says, "I made a calculation, taking into consideration, the
animal's weight, minus its two front paws".
Looking rather confused, the ranger asks, "but why did you not include the front paws in your calculation?"
"Because", the judge replies, "Every American has the right to bear arms!"
198-
I was in Tesco and I saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes.
I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious.
The police arrived and arrested me.
Apparently they use actors on the show.
199-
I was arrested yesterday and during police questioning, I thought I made a very good case for my defense.
"Your surname is Johnson. Doesn't mean you are John's son.
Your surname is Black. Doesn't mean you are Black.
Your surname is Driver. Doesn't mean you can drive.
Your surname is Baker. Doesn't mean you are a Baker.
Your surname is Northern. Doesn't mean you are from the North.
Now, we've established, surnames aren't literal, yes?"
The detective replied "Look Mr Dickinson, you're not getting off that easy!"
200-
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed-upon duties, i. e., the illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation, at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every reasonable caution by the party of the first part
(Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform, and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part
(Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part
(Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in Step 1 of this document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above-described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of commerce and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."
201-
Letter from Maricopa County Public Defender
First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed.
You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There's just no need to babble on like it's a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you.
When you come to court, consider your dress. If you're charged with a DUI, don't wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the "UniBonger" on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up.
Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand next to you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on me while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.
I'm a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won't find a loophole or technicality for you, so don't be pissed off. I didn't beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don't be too surprised by your limited options and that I'm the one telling you about them.
Don't think you'll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I'm not doing anything for you, calling me a public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less.
It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet.
For the guys: Don't think I'm amused when you flirt or offer to "do me." You can't successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then myself.
For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. I'm not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing shit. I do wish you'd stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you aren't allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours.
For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right - neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don't leave your wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don't leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don't leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don't leave a note saying that you're sorry.
If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket - dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail.
Don't be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That's not harassment, that's good store security.
And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You're out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed, twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison.
"I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense.
"All the money is gone now." Not a defense
"The bitch deserved it." Not a defense.
"But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense.
"She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends.
"She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die.
For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase.
For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine, thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all.
202-
I saw the following headline
"Police smash paedophile ring".
I thought, well, it's a bit fucking harsh, but I suppose the punishment fits the crime.
203-
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, .
'Listen up, buddy I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... it just doesn't matter to me. I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded - - -
'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'
204-
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
205-
"I know what you're thinking: did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself but, being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, you've got to ask yourself one question: do I feel lucky? Well, do you punk?"
"Look officer, I'm not even a protester, I'm just trying to get to Tesco for a sandwich."
206-
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?' 'I'm calling to report 'bout my Neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood. Don't quite know How he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir..' The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend On Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using Axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They Sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly after, the phone rings at Virgil's House. 'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?'' 'Yeah' Did they chop your firewood?' 'Yeah' 'Happy Birthday Buddy'
207-
Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach maths there," I explained.
The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"
I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate
maths, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero." He handed me back my license.
"Maths was never my favourite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."
208-
The police department received a call at 1 a. m. from a FEMALE professor at the local university who reported a break-in. "The man was a huge
brute," she reported. "He ripped the covers off the bed and found me sleeping naked. He looked at me in the most vile possibly way and then he exposed this incredibly large penis."
"That's not the worst part. He made me put that disgusting thing in my mouth, then he turned me over and shoved it up my ass until I felt like I would split in two.
We'll send a squad over right away to look for him, the officer said.
Oh, you don't have to do that, she said, he's in the shower now. Why don't you just come over and pick him up in the morning."
209-
Hetty is 71 today and as she’s gathering up the many birthday cards that have just been delivered by the postman, she notices amongst them a letter from the Courts of Justice. It’s a notice for Hetty to do Jury Service. On the letter, it says:
IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE REASON NOT TO SERVE ON A JURY, PLEASE CONTACT US
So Hetty immediately rings the number on the form.
"Hello, how can I help," says the voice on the phone.
"I’ve just received a notice to do jury service and I have to tell you that I’m 71 years old and I don’t have to do this anymore."
"OK," says the voice, "I’ll send you an exemption form for you to complete and return to us."
"But I already did that last year," says Hetty.
"Well you have to do this every year," says the voice.
"Why?" says Hetty. "Do you think I get younger each year?
210-
The police sent me a photo of my car speeding.
So I sent them a picture of my cheque.
211-
A football player from California had an eye gouged out during a particularly violent game. Inspired by his coach's pep talks he, refuses to give up the game and has a glass eye fitted. Although he is still able to play football, he knows that he is not the same player he was before. Also, off the field he is having a hard time adjusting, he constantly feels self-conscious about the glass eye.
His doctor gives him the good news that complete eye transplants are now possible. But the bad news is that there's a chronic lack of donors and the waiting list is about five years.
One night, driving down the Pacific Coast Highway, his glass eye fails to detect a guy trying to go around his car on a motorcycle. He changes lanes and sends the motorcycle flying.
It's late at night and nobody's around and it's clear to the football player that the cyclist is dead. He makes a quick decision and cuts out one of the cyclists eyes with his pen knife. He figures if he rushes it to his surgeon he'll be able to perform the transplant. Before he leaves he pops out his glass eye and places it in the cyclist's eye socket.
Everything is fine for a few weeks, his new eye is working perfectly. But he starts to worry about the cyclist. Everything had happened so fast - what if he wasn't dead after all?
He decided to call the local police station and enquire about the accident.
"Yes, the poor fellow was dead alright," said the officer, "but it's still all very mysterious."
The guy felt a chill of fear run up and down his spine...
"Mysterious?" he asked.
"Yeah, how did he manage to ride his bike all the way up here from Los Angeles with two glass eyes?"
212-
Little Johnny was in trouble again. He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming.
As a last desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to see.
"Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box. "Surely you cannot believe that such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"
Growing more agitated he went on. "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman."
"Watch it," whispered Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"
213-
One elderly male called 911 and reported, "There's a woman over here doing some
yard work in one of those thong bikinis." "Sir," said an exasperated dispatcher,
"911 is an emergency number. What do you expect the police to do about a woman
in a thong bikini?" "Nothing," the guy said, "But if she keeps bending over the
way she is, I will be having a heart attack within the next 10 minutes, so I
just wanted to alert you to sending an ambulance for me."
214-
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you
were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you
all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and
advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and
seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and
otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice,
rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds,
instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise
notwithstanding...'"
215-
A man was in front of a judge. The judge says to
him, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The man says, "Okay, let's get started."
216-
A witness to an
car accident was testifying.
Lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
Witness: "Seven metres, three hundred and eighty millimeters."
Lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how
you knew it was exactly that distance?"
Witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it.
I knew some annoying arsehole lawyer would ask me that question."
217-
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney
attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five
thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
218-
A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled
by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and
good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heels in love with
him, even though he was a married man.
"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we
can be together, the way we were meant to be?"
Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in
grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid
motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"
"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.
"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."
219-
So a policeman came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells
me you're on drugs."
"I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."
220-
Howard is a technology buff. One day, as he is driving down Bishops Avenue in
Hampstead, he passes a sign saying that he is approaching the most advanced
speed camera in the world. So he slows down to the 30mph speed limit. But when
he passes the camera, it flashes at him.
"Not much of an advanced camera," he thinks. "I wonder what incorrect speed it
has been set at?" So he turns around, drives back 300 yards, turns around and
approaches the camera again, this time at 20mph. Again it flashes at him and he
laughs out loud. Once again he turns around, drives back 300 yards, turns around
again and approaches the camera again, this time at just 10mph. Once again, the
camera flashes at him. He gives up on the faulty camera and drives home.
One week later, three letters drop through his letterbox. Each one is a Traffic
Fine for £100 for driving without a seat belt!
221-
BEST QUOTE OF 2008...BRAVO FOR SHERIFF JUDD.
Gotta admire the man for being honest.
An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic
stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight
times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was
wounded and a police dog killed. A state wide manhunt ensued.
The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. After he shot at
them, SWAT team officers open fired and hit the guy 68 times.
Now here's the kicker:
Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they shot the poor
undocumented immigrant 68 times.
Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: Talk about an all-time classic
answer.................. 'Because that's all the ammunition we had.'
222-
This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of
his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out,
shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be
next.
The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out
again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to be
scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.
The guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never
fucked a cop before!"
223-
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the
road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for
food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer
said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under
that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and
SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the
limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you
are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is
almost a foot high"
224-
Up before the court on a charge of sodomy it was mentioned in evidence that more
passive of the partners was a member of the town's philharmonic orchestra.
"Case dismissed," said the judge.
"Why?" asked the prosecutor.
"I have heard them play," said the judge "and I can tell you they all need
fucking."
225-
In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister
Louella, was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her
husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed
the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh, causing severe muscle and
tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition,
and Louella has been charged with.... A Misdewiener.
226-
I got pulled over the other day and the cop told me to keep an eye on my speed.
I was really thankful, I didn't notice it was falling out of my pocket.
227-
Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of
them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right
off."
"I know the feeling," the other says.
"No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."
228-
This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the back seat of
his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out,
shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be
next. The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got
out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to
be scared. The guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that
I've never fucked a cop before!"
229-
A young policeman, on his first day on the beat, turns around a corner and spots
a big black guy dancing, jumping up and down on the roof of a car.
The copper gets straight on his radio, "Come in control, back up, I need back
up!" he shouts.
The control operator's voice comes over the radio, "What's the situation?"
"A big fucking nigger is jumping up and down, dancing all over a car roof,"
replies our boy in blue.
"You can't say things like that over the radio," says the control operator. "Use
politically correct police language."
"Okay," replies the young cop. "Control, come in I need back up!"
"What's the situation?" replies the smug operator.
"ZULU TANGO SIERRA!"
230-
A policeman spots this Bloke walking up Royal Ave. pulling a 12 foot long rope
and asks, “What do you think you are doing pulling this 12 long rope up Royal
Ave.?”
The Bloke replied: “have you ever tried pushing it?”
231-
In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The
police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent
was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it
and told to check them out.
After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it became
the turn of Detective Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry,
Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I
called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell
you that I have fallen in love with her."
"Damnation, boy!" exclaimed the Chief. "I sure am surprised at you. You've been
a policeman almost all your life -- and here you are, falling for the oldest
trick in the book."
232-
I threw a rock at a policeman the other day.
Luckily for him, he was holding a piece of paper.
233-
WARNING - THIS SITE IS NOW BEING ACTIVELY MONITORED BY THE THAMES VALLEY POLICE.
Any racist or Islamophobic jokes will be carefully monitored and may be included
in our quarterly In-House magazine.
234-
An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine
traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was
shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another
deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state-wide manhunt ensued. The
murderer was found hiding in a wooded area and as soon as he took a shot at the
SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times. Naturally,
the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor
undocumented immigrant 68 times. Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel:
'Because that's all the ammunition we had.' Now, is that just about the all-time
greatest answer or what! The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died
of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be since there were
68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied "when you are shot 68 times you
are naturally gonna die."
235-
The beautiful young woman had been sentenced to hang for the heinous murder of
her cheating husband the morning of the execution, the warden asked the
condemned woman if she had a last request "Yes sir, "she replied, "I’d like to
be hung in the nude "the warden thought the request unusual but agreed that she
could be hung completely naked as she stood at the gallows naked as the day she
was born the warden could not help but be aroused by such a perfect body "You
truly have the most beautiful body I have ever seen "the warden said.
The condemned women smiled brightly and said "it's yours if you keep your trap
shut"
236-
Car Theory Question:
Q. A police officer flashes his headlights, and points to the left. You should:
A. Turn in to the next side road.
B. Pull over to the left when it's safe to do so.
C. Stop in the middle of the road.
D. Speed away with the accelerator pedal on the floor, go on 2 hour rampage
running over as many pedestrians as possible, dodging tyre spikes by driving on
the pavement, only stopping when you have run out of fuel. You then run out of
your vehicle into the bush around about, 20 metres away, and hide from the
helicopter who is able to pick you up on the Thermal Camera he has been pointing
at you for about 30 minutes. Then wait for the dogs to come..
237-
I was having a kick about with my mates outside the magistrates yesterday when
the ball flew through one the windows.
Out rushed a police officer who threatened to arrest us all.
I said 'Well the ball's in your court mate...'
238-
I've just been sent to prison so I won't be having sex for a few months.
I hope.
239-
A woman is on the witness stand.
The judge says, "What happened?"
She says, "I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me, dragged me into
an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my panties, and bent me over a
garbage can... I... I don't even remember what happened next..."
The judge says (jerking off motion), "Make something up! Make something up!"
240-
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I
don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at
work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
241-
Prospective Juror: Judge, I would like to be excused from jury duty because my
wife is about to become pregnant. Attorney: Judge, he doesn't mean his wife is
about to become pregnant; he means she is about to deliver. Judge: He may be
excused. In either case he should be present.
242-
A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying things like, "I think the
light was yellow," or, "I think it was still raining."
The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, "We don't care what
you think. What do you know?"
The harried witness paused for a moment and then replied, "Then I may as well
leave the witness stand. Since I'm not a lawyer, I can't talk without thinking."
243-
Warning issued by Yorkshire Police:
Clubbers in West Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy
directly into their mouths.
This dangerous practice is known as 'E by gum' and should be reported
immediately.
244-
When are lawyers guaranteed to lose a case?
At Heathrow.
245-
I got stopped by a copper with a radar gun the other day.
'Bit of a speed merchant are we sir?' he asked.
'A bit, now and then,' I replied, 'but I only sell to friends'.
So as well as three points I'm looking at three months.
246-
The police stopped me last night and asked me where I was between 5 and 11?
I said, "primary school"
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