Miscellaneous Short 2
551-
I asked my new Son-in-Law if he could support a family, he said yes I think so, I said that good as there’s three of us.
552-
I don't need cyber-sex .... AOL goes down on me all the time
553-
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
554-
Get together a group of drunken friends and sing this to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat". Make sure to have
different groups start it at different times to make it really melodic!
Fuck, fuck, fuck a duck,
Screw a kangaroo.
Finger bang orangutangs.
Orgy at the zoo!
555-
Q: Why are there a few Marines on every Navy ship?
A: 'Cause sheep would have been too obvious.
556-
MORE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
Del Monte To Can 150 Workers
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Stud Tires Out
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
557-
BEST T-SHIRTS
"Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"I Want It All and I Want It Delivered"
"Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" -- seen on Cape Cod
"I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man -- I've Been Practicing Since 1943"
"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-law on a Milk Carton"
"Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"
"60-Year-Old, One Owner, Needs Parts, Make Offer"
"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"
"If You Can Read This, Thank a Teacher"
"A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic"
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"Waiting for the Perfect Man" (Printed across a drawing of a skeleton).
"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse - He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"
"When the Going Gets Tough, Use Duct Tape"
"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since I Was 15"
558-
Spelling Quiz
Ghoughtteightteau - What does it spell? - - - - - - - - - - - Potato.
"gh" stands for "p" as you see in the last letters of "hiccough"; "ough" for "o", as in "dough"; "tt" stands for "t," as in "gazette"; "eigh" stands for "a" as in "neighbor"; "tt" stands for "t," as in "gazette"; and "eau" stands for "o" as in "beau."
559-
Two old men who had been friends since the first world war, were sitting on a park bench.
1st man: "Joe, do you remember in the great war, how they use to put bromide in our tea, to stop us thinking about girls?"
2nd man "Yes, why?"
1st man "I think it's starting to work"
560-
The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1 - Life sucks
2 - Job sucks
3 - Wife doesn't....
561-
A knight and his men returned to their castle after a hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asked the king.
"Sire!" replied the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies to the west."
"What?" shrieked the king, "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh!" said the knight,
"Well, you do now."
562-
Find your own name and your friends’ names and enjoy...
MEN'S NAMES
Ashley - wanker who's losing his hair.
Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff.
Adam - cute, funny, chicks dig him, has the potential to be stalked.
Adrian - small todger, probably gay.
Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women.
Alex - cute and short but a liar and a cheat.
Amir - dirty, smelly, pecker is minuscule.
Andrew -usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.
Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain.
Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of wee.
Arnold - loser.
Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.
Barry - lights fires, pinches girl's bottoms and is well hung.
Ben - kind hearted, will do anything for the one he loves.
Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.
Brad - thinks everyone likes him...but they don't.
Brandon - good looking but uses girls.
Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.
Brett - worldwide slut and really insensitive, women love him.
Brian - a wanna be charmer, he's not the Messiah he's just a very, very naughty boy.
Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell.
Bronsen - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name.
Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.
Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week.
Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.
Cameron - Australian, like Bruce.
Carl - thinks he's funny...he's not, falls asleep during sex.
Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.
Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies.
Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together.
Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too.
Christian - very sexy and seductive.
Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.
Clive - very sweet and adores girls, but prefers to watch.
Cole - nice, funny, and fun to be around.
Colin - lies to women and blows up public buildings.
Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.
Craig - tries to fit in - he never does.
Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.
Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics.
Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.
Daniel - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice, highly homosexual.
Darren - charming, but sleeps with men.
Daryl - smells bad, has no real mates.
David - hottie and works out a lot, loves girls named Florence. Can be gay!
Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter i.e. a wanker.
Dean - full of himself and thinks with his dick.
Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot.
Derek - has a great sense of humour, and blow-up doll collection.
Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please.
Don - dickhead.
Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts.
Drew - bad-arse loser who never shuts up.
Duncan - hopeless ski bum, brains shot away long ago.
Dylan - horny bastard, who can't sing.
Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.
Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get 'cos he's an arsehole.
Elliott - full of himself.
Eric - shy.
Evan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and model mental patient.
Frank - "different" - missing DNA - favours girls named Lucy.
Fraser - sucks pig's dicks & swallows the lot.
Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight.
Gary - drug addict but willing to share.
Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men.
Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.
George - barman who drinks more than he serves.
Glen - the sweetest guy - really down to earth.
Graeme - very hard to understand, likes group sex.
Graham - will screw anything.
Grant - HORNY! But so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.
Greg - really sweet and feels sorry for himself.
Harry - covers his back.
Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs.
Hathem - smooth, but manipulative, not to bet trusted around young girls.
Hayden - tries hard.
Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography.
Ian - really popular but knows all the girls want him... yeah right!
Ivor - militant psychopath with homosexual tendencies.
Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk.
Jamie - scum of the earth.
James - built like a horse.
Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well.
Jeff - really ugly.
Jerome - gay, but very unhappy.
Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.
Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on.
Jack - stupid but hot, always alright.
Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection.
Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head.
Joel - arse.
John - has no friends or life - tends to kill small animals.
Jolyon - absolute raving homosexual.
Jonathon - loud, sex mad and great with it - can be full of himself.
Jordan - sexy but weird in bed.
Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.
Josh - full of himself, fun.
Junior - hottie and totally good at football.
Justin - aggravating but loveable, insecure but successful.
Judith - Eats a lot, likes to feel superior.
Kain - the sexiest guy alive but very stuck up.
Kevin - always attracts really fit girlfriends also has a large penis.
Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse.
Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be.
Kurt - can kick anyone's arse.
Kyle - hornball who eats too many corn chips.
Lance - Plays with his penis cos no one else will.
Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse.
Laurie - short and funny looking.
Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit.
Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser.
Lyndon - can always be found in bed or in the pub.
Liam - loud mouthed arsehole.
Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold.
Lucas - fat loser that dates other men.
Luke - seems to be sweet. bit of a tosser though.
Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers.
Mark - wished girls liked him for who he is not his great looks, mouthy bastard.
Matt - the fat boy of the class, likes sweets and is full of shit.
Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl.
Mik - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse.
Mike - shag muffin.
Mohammed - small penis.
Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb.
Nick - nice -can't get past the missionary position though.
Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed.
Oliver - likes men but is in denial.
Oscar - loser.
Owen - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
Patrick - drunk, drunk, drunk.
Paul - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in gays.
Peter - cutie but very shy, makes women feel like virgins.
Phillip - stupid idiot who wishes he were cool.
Rhys - great lover but had his mind stolen by aliens a long, long time ago.
Richard - can't see his feet as balls are too big.
Ricky - ugly shithead who everybody hates.
Rikki - see above.
Rob - constantly watches porn.
Roy - total loser and computer genius.
Rupert - arrogant twat who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud.
Russell - likes to play in the leaves, which makes him an arsehole.
Ryan - short but sexy body and even sexier mind.
Sam - wannabe sex machine.
Scott - has serious disabilities. also takes it up the butt.
Sean - has small testicles and no friends.
Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor.
Shane -thinks everybody wants to shag him - he's a virgin.
Shannon - the most determined and persevering sweetie in the world.
Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him.
Simon - likes a night out with the lads and curries. Says he is the man but talks
bollocks.
Spencer - loves it right up there, normally with a toilet roll and a hamster.
Steve - popular and funny & hung like a donkey.
Stuart - droll guy with great arse and suicidal tendencies but great in bed.
Ted - hairy, sensitive and a great shag.
Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is.
Toby - best blow ever.
Tom - cool but can be arrogant.
Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around.
Travis - fat and horny with the best XXX collection to be found.
Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy.
Troy - cute and popular.
Taylor - happy, laughing hyena.
Warren - cool, homosexual guy.
Wesley - great guy and easy to tolerate.
Will - wishes he were popular.
Zach - sweet and polite and adorable.
Zahid - devious and sly. Not to be trusted.
WOMEN'S NAMES
Ada - blue haired, smells of wee.
Aisha - laughs like a demented dog, likes tic tacs.
Alison - bra and pants are the same garment, looks better with the light off.
Amanda - IQ tends to be smaller than bra size. Probably a good shag though.
Amy - devious, likes being on top, never stays the night - Not to be trusted.
Andrea - small breasts, drinks pints.
Angela - Vain, hairstyle more important than oxygen. Hangs around toilets.
Annabelle - doesn't wear knickers.
Annette - she's BIG.
Anne - looks like a horse, can't drive.
Barbara - shags like a rabbit, not fussy about appearance.
Belinda - pleasing on the eye, usually has a couple of good points.
Beryl - repressed alcoholic.
Beverley - trapped in an eighties timewarp.
Bianca - ginger.
Bridgette - eats pizzas all day, smokes cigars.
Britney - falsely improved, no use to society.
Camilla -replaces the word 'yes' with 'ya'.
Carina - looks like the back of a bus, doesn't swallow.
Carol - into everything you've only ever read about. Coin-operated.
Caroline - into threesomes. Likes doggy style. Always up for it.
Catherine - attracted to the older man, needs ironing.
Claire - perfect in every way and a complete sex goddess.
Celine - emits hideous noises, waste of DNA.
Charlotte - enjoys tea and cake, farts the national anthem.
Cheryl - can fit hand in mouth, eats glass.
Christine - likes men in uniform, never warm.
Daisy - virgin.
Danni - should make nice threesome with sibling.
Davina - drug induced mental damage, should shave her neck.
Dawn - gets up early, smells of chips.
Deborah - bites the pillow, uses both hands.
DeeDee - cannot understand why no one else masturbates in Ikea.
Denise - sits on cat's eyes, wears too much make up.
Diane - enjoys company of animals. Deep as a puddle. Adds nothing to society.
Donna - 70's throw back, likes cabbage.
Doris - purple haired, stinks of wee.
Elaine - rides sidesaddle, drinks meths.
Elizabeth - born to perform, hates chickens.
Ellie - far too attractive for the swear words that come out of her mouth.
Emily - wears odd socks, can have lesbian tendencies.
Emma - gullible and easily swayed by a good looker!
Estelle - likes wombles, eats grass.
Esther - plump with sagging breasts, normally heavily tattooed.
Faith - legs meet at knees, can't shag standing up.
Faye - wears wellies, can't swim.
Felicity - she'll stab you with her nipples, plays darts
Fiona - female mud wrestler, gives head.
Gail - farts a lot, drinks Guinness.
Gayleen - big tall woman who talks shite all day.
Gaynor - lesbian.
Gemma - practically perfect in everyway. Loved by everyone. Good listener and friend.
Geraldine - too posh for her own good, likes flying.
Gillian - dyes her hair green, likes clubbing.
Gina - eternal mother, eats nappies.
Glenda - eats children, hates smoking.
Georgina - wants to be a man.
Gwyneth - blubs a lot, wees in the bath.
Hannah - needs to be naked at all times, eats kebabs.
Heather - shags like a freight train, a screamer.
Helen - loves sleeping and alcohol and is work shy.
Heidi - the hills are alive with the sound of music, likes gherkins.
Hilary - frigid bitch. Thinks money grows on trees.
Holly - prickly to the touch, seasonal shagmeister.
Imogen - drinks tequila from the bottle, wets the bed.
Ingrid - right wing Nazi tendencies, never smiles.
Jackie - heroin addict, sold her child.
Janet - soft, warm and really cuddly. Good shag.
Jane - enjoys wanking men (or women).
Jasmin - smells of sewers, eats the heads off rats.
Jemma - does anal, wears too much eye make-up.
Jennifer - huge breasts, should shave her legs more often.
Jessica - virgin, always will be.
Joanne - moans in her sleep, cant cook, moans when she wakes up!
Jodie - absolutely perfect in every way, every group of friends should have one!
Judith - big eyes, big tits.
Judy - huge tits, married to an arse.
Julia - innocent face, don't trust her, she'll steal your wallet in five minutes.
Justine- massive tits, likes hanging around men's toilets.
Julie - jabba the Hutt's sister, constantly pregnant.
Karen - huge tits, shags like a rabbit.
Katie - big feet, shags men over 50.
Kate - talks complete bollocks all the time, scavenger.
Kelly - smells of cheese, slobbers when kissing.
Kimberley - wants to be a bloke, drinks like a bloke, farts like a bloke and wears a wig.
Kirsty - eats live moles, can't dance.
Kylie - can't sing but who cares.
Lana - hated by her parents, accidental pregnancy.
Lara - action packed, never seen naked.
Laura - likes Max power magazine, can't drive.
Lauren - pert breasts, seldom ventures out at night.
Leah - likes outdoor sex, wees standing up.
Lena - eats food then throws up, rapidly shrinking.
Leslie - likes bondage, hates men.
Linda - perfect in every way - a complete sex goddess.
Lindsay - likes doggy style, doesn't do housework.
Lisa - will take all your money and run, gets turned on by porn.
Liz - long legged and brainey.
Lorraine - constantly whinges, will strip for a packet of jellybabies.
Louise - real babe, bright too, I'd drink her bath water.
Lucy - strange dancer, wants to marry her dad.
Madeline - drives like a bloke, likes tractors.
Maggie - trainspotter, likes plaid.
Margaret - lovely mother, very generous.
Maria - bangs like a barn door.
Marie - life's slapper. Likes men to do DIY.
Marina - no get up and go, rusty underwear.
Marilyn - eats like a horse, out stays her welcome.
Martina - ugly lesbian.
Martine - can't act, can't sing, nice tits.
Matilda - likes dancing, mainly the waltz.
Meg - cheesy smell, should be spelt with an S.
Melanie - can hold two bar vacuum orally indefinitely.
Melissa - eats dogs, been in prison 6 times for burglary.
Meryl - dances like an ape, doesn't realise.
Michaela - likes animals, should make a video with them.
Michelle - wears white stilettos, dances round her handbag.
Marsha - big butt, small brain.
Monica - doesn't swallow, should have.
Naomi - wannabe diva, more of a diver.
Nancy - white hair, remembers manners.
Natalie - eats with her mouth open, farts the Nokia phone tune.
Natasha - had seven kids before age 17, needs ironing.
Nell - hasn't realised WWII has ended, lives in Kent.
Nicola - slapper, alcoholic in denial.
Nina - stuffs her bra with tissues, been single for years.
Olga - you can park a bike in her arsecrack, excessive facial hair.
Olivia - neutron bomb.
Pamela - gives amazing head, made of plastic.
Pat - forest forager, likes wild boar.
Paula - transvestite merchant banker from Basildon.
Penelope - pit stop queen, likes men to be stiff.
Phillippa - butt ugly lesbian.
Priscilla - likes painting with oils, Duckhams mainly.
Rachel - amazing gravity defying breasts, can grip a tenner in her arsecheeks.
Rebecca - hairy armpits, orgasms without contact.
Rosie - can be prickly, good head-giver.
Rula - she measures up well.
Sadie - stand up if you're slim, please stand up.
Sally - drives a Mustang, fights in pubs.
Samantha - loves her brother, has four deformed children.
Sandra - shags donkeys for fun, bow legged.
Sarah - hangs around with the wrong crowd, Kinky in bed, loves porn.
Selina - doesn't wear pants, heavy laundry bills.
Sharon - shags like a locomotive, yo-yo knickers.
Shirley - can swallow a Curly Whirly whole, likes bananas.
Sian - does mean sheep impression, hates mint sauce.
Simone - used to be a shot putter from Cardiff.
Sonya - dirty lady of the night. Often referred to as a carrier.
Sophie - brothel madam, wears a wrinkly corset.
Stacey - likes cut off jeans and arseless Speedo's.
Steffi - closet lesbian, maintains heterosexual relationship for effect.
Stephanie - eats Muppets, wears Brogues.
Sue - totally gorgeous!
Tanya - hot minx, too short.
Tara - upper class slapper, needs extra chemicals.
Tina - face like a smacked arse, should eat less.
Tori - lives in a hedge, can't water ski.
Tracy - easily swayed by alcohol. Mostly seen without underwear. Loves kittens.
Tracey - lesbian.
Ursula - likes puppies, in curry.
Vicky- likes Yoga and Men.
Wendy - possibly a man.
Zoe - talentless rock chick.
563-
Extreme Bumper Stickers
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
564-
Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
"I don't believe it for one minute." Marie snapped. "You're just saying that to make me jealous."
565-
The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened to be the captain's turn to write in the ship's log so he wrote :
The first mate was drunk today.
He begged and pleaded to the captain to remove that entry but the captain argued that once an entry was made in the company's log it couldn't be deleted. The first mate decided to get even.
The next time it when it was the first mate's turn to write in the log, he wrote:
The captain was sober today.
566-
A Young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems I did notice one anomaly, however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing" said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."
She said, "OK." "First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe" asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied........ "We're called 'The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred.'
567-
There was once geneticist who made a tree Instead of growing fruit the tree grew vaginas. The man was so proud, that he planted it in his front yard.
The neighbours didn't like this one bit. They got together and found a lawyer that would sue the man for having the vagina tree. The geneticist refused all orders from the court. After several defiant moves, the court sentenced him to death. (C'mon, this is a joke -- go with me on this).
On the execution block the man is asked if he has any last words. He replies: "I regret I have but one life for my 'cunt tree'."
568-
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
569-
How is being at a singles bar different than being at a circus?
At the circus clowns don't talk.
570-
Cards You Will Never See At Hallmark
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"
"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your fucking Christmas card!!!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."
"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since you survived."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!
"Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
"I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"Just remember... Jesus Loves You - Everyone else thinks you're a jerk!"
"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, let's say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"If you ever need a friend, buy a dog."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday -- so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky and West
Virginia)
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire... I
noticed your cat. Sorry!
Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She
moved in with me.
Congratulations on your wedding day... too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you... have such
an ugly baby?
571-
AT THE BEEP
Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
8. This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling... and I'll think about returning your call.
7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down,
and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
Sometimes when I make a call I'll say :-Hello, is that you, if it is then this is me, if it isn't you then this isn't me.
572-
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, and sex
He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.
573-
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passer-by asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and our intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passer-by hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild just fell out of the window!"
574-
What can Life Savers do that man can't?
Come in five flavours.
575-
Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.
576-
Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?
577-
What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
George Michael's latest release.
578-
Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
579-
What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!
580-
A tourist approached a prostitute in the back streets of Soho in London.
"How much?" he asked.
"It'll cost ya twenty quid" replied the tart.
"American Express?" he inquired.
"You can go as fast as you like" she said.
581-
Weather Outlook
Bright during the day, with increasing darkness towards evening.
582-
The penis - mightier than the sword
583-
Incest is wrong, relatively speaking.
584-
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.
"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."
585-
A guy is driving his car and sees a friend crying, sitting on the side of the road. He stops. And he asks him: - Hey, What happened to you? -
Look, says the friend and he points to a crashed car. -
Well, never mind, you can always buy another car. -
Look inside the car!
Well, never mind, you can always get another blonde.
Look inside her mouth!!!
586-
Q: What is the definition of a bachelor?
A: It's some guy who's depriving some woman of her God-given right to alimony.
587-
Q: What do you do if a cat spits at you?
A: Turn the grill down
588-
Two dogs walking through the woods, both get caught in bear traps. One dog says, We need to chew off a leg to get loose. The other dog says no way. First dog chews off his leg, goes in to town, gets patched up by the vet, and comes back a few days later. The other dog is still in the trap. The first dog says, You need to chew off your leg to get loose. The other dog says, I already chewed off three legs and I still ain't free.
589-
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant:
First, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
590-
Overheard in: Mulligans of Poolbeg Street
Bloke #1: "I'm not against women."
Bloke #2: "Not often enough, anyways."
591-
My wife was in a movie once, She was in the Hunch back of Notre Dame.
She was strapped to Lon Chaney's back.
Lon said she wasn't a very good actress, But she made a good hump.
592-
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really! Like a new-born baby!"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
593-
Two elderly ladies were sitting on a bench waiting for a bus, when one looked at the other and said, "I hate it when the
buses run late. I've been sitting here so long that my butt has fallen asleep."
To which the other lady says, "I know. I heard it snoring."
594-
"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the
Internet, we know this is not true."
595-
MOVIE RATING SYSTEM EXPLAINED
G : Nobody gets the girl.
PG : The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R : The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X : Everybody Gets The Girl.
XXX : Everybody gets the girl, her mother, her sister, her father, her father's boyfriend and the long-haired dachshund.
596-
Two SARS bugs leave the pub after a night of drinking.....one turns to the other and says, 'Bloody Hell, I could murder a Chinese'
597-
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.
They sent me Diana Ross.
598-
Sky TV have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo.
Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View......
599-
Long ago, a King and his Court Jester were marooned on a desert island. The King immediately began missing the sexual gratification that his position of power had commanded. By the end of the third day, he had been complaining loudly to the Jester about the lack of sexual release. By the end of the week, he was at his Wit's end!
600-
What do you call a 1950's French cabaret singer with Tourette's Syndrome?
Edith Pissoff.
601-
Quickies
Seen on a bumper sticker: "Driver carries no cash; he is married."
Overcome: The one who sleeps on the wet spot.
Definition of a Bastard: A guy who makes love to a woman all night with a four inch dick, then kisses her good-bye in the morning with a six inch tongue
If at first you don't succeed you are running about average.
Life is the ultimate IQ test.
One crotch-kick later, I realized that asking the call girl if she had a layaway plan sounded funnier in my head.
The world is so fast that there are days when the person who says it can't be done is interrupted by the person who is doing it.
Questions pile up at a much faster rate than the answers.
One cannot have too large a party.
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
My first rule of a happy marriage: It's better to be happy than right.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
602-
Sex and Music.....
All pop music is about sex...
Rock is about wanting to do it...
Jazz is about doing it...
And country and western is about feeling guilty after you've done it...
603-
Dorothy Parker Quotes
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound - if I can remember any of the damn things.
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
"Are you Dorothy Parker?" a guest at a party inquired. "Yes, do you mind?"
The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant- and let the air out of the tyres.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
(On Katherine Hepburn) She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.
Behind every great man, is a surprised woman.
Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.
I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.
The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.'
The only 'ism' Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying -
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.
Every year, back comes Spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants.
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acid stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful.
So you might as well live.
He and I had an office so tiny that an inch smaller and it would have been adultery.
His voice was as intimate as the rustle of sheets.
It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.
This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.
You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.
The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
He is beyond question a writer of power; and his power lies in his ability to make sex so thoroughly, graphically and aggressively unattractive that one is fairly shaken to ponder how little one has been missing.
Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
His body has gone to his head.
Salary is no object: I want only enough to keep body and soul apart.
You know, that woman speaks 18 languages, and she can't say "no" in any of them.
Of the play "The House Beautiful": The House Beautiful is The Play Lousy."
You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.
It's a small apartment, I've barely enough room to lay my hat and a few friends.
On learning that Calvin Coolidge was dead she remarked, "How could they tell?"
Young man to Dorothy Parker: "I can't bear fools."
Dorothy Parker to young man: "Funny, your mother could."
I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three, I'm under the table,
After four, I'm under my host!
604-
Margot Asquith Quotes
When the actress Jean Harlow mispronounced her first name, Margot corrected her:
'The "t" is silent, as in "Harlow".'
She said of Kitchener, whom she disliked, that if he was not a great man, he was, at least, a great poster.
Lloyd George could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Lord Birkenhead is very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
What a pity, when Christopher Colombus discovered America, that he ever mentioned it.
She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.
605-
If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashed... Oh, Wait! He Does!
606-
I prefer McAfee anti-virus to the other leading software. I guess I'm just anti-Symantec.
607-
The old lady had been married for many years when suddenly her husband died.
This is what she put on his tombstone: The Light of My Life Has Gone Out.
Not long afterward she met, fell in love with and married another man. After thinking for some time about it, she went to the monumental mason and had him add a little postscript.
The tombstone now reads: The Light of My Life Has Gone Out. P.S. I Found A Match
608-
While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out: "Are you hurt?" "No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern. "Oh, good," she continued...."So will you be vacating your parking space now?"
609-
Valentine Card Verses that were Rejected
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
610-
A furious pounding in a hotel room late at night awakened a number of guests. The hotel manager was called, and he let himself into the room. Inside, he found an elderly man cursing and banging away on the wall with both fists.
"Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the whole hotel."
"Damn the hotel!" the elderly man spat. "It's the first erection I've had in years, and both my hands are asleep."
611-
The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
An indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
612-
There’s a lot of sadness in the world.
Right now, as you read this,
70 Million people are having SEX
And you’re on the computer..............That is so sad.
613-
News Flash: A chain of sex shops have recently introduced a line of inflatable dolls modelled on Palestinian women.
They’re not cheap, but when you get them home they blow themselves up.
614-
Q: What have a short sighted gynaecologist and dog got in common?
A: They both have wet noses.
615-
A bloke is walking down the street pulling a cabbage along on the end of a string.
"What's that?" says his mate.
"It's me dog".
"That's not a dog it's a cabbage!" exclaims his pal.
"O what", says the bloke, "the man in the pet shop said it was a cauli."
616-
A passenger from a cruise ship is looking over the side watching the world go by, when he see a small
desert Island. As they get closer he sees a scruffily dressed man with a beard waving like mad and shouting desperately at them.
“Who’s that?” a passenger asks the captain.
“No idea,” replies the captain, “But every year when we pass him he goes nuts.”
617-
A couple have eight daughters and desperately want a son. On their ninth attempt they are finally blessed with a boy. They are so overjoyed that they invite all their friends to a lavish party to celebrate the birth. While the party is in full swing one of the guests
approaches the father to congratulate him. “So tell me,” he says, “who does your little boy take after? Does he look like you, or his mum?” The father thinks for a while and says, “Well, to be honest, I don't know. We haven’t looked at his face yet!”
618-
Apparently there’s some evidence that William Tell and his family enjoyed bowling.
Unfortunately, all bowling records from his day were destroyed in a fire. So there’s no way of knowing for whom the Tells bowled.
619-
Two punk rockers are having sex while listening to some music.
“Is that Johnny Rotten?” says the girl.
“No, I’ve only used it twice before!” replies the bloke.
620-
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
M.A.B. It's a big horse.
M.A.B. It's a big horse, who?
M.A.B. It's a big horse I'm a Londoner.
621-
Lionel was a ventriloquist, and not a good one at that. In fact business was so bad that he was trying his luck as a medium. One day, a widow came into his office and said that she wanted to contact her dear departed husband and asked Lionel what he charged.
“If you only want to hear him speak,” said Lionel, “I charge £30. If you want to have a conversation with him, I charge £50. But I charge £70 if you want a conversation with him while I’m drinking a glass of water.”
622-
The only difference between a Harley and a Hoover is the location of the dirtbag...
623-
A young man confided to his mother that he had proposed to his girlfriend and they were going to get married.
"Whatsa dis?" screamed Mother. "Who's a-gonna love you like a Momma? Who's a gonna starch-a you socks? Who's a gonna make-a you lasagna?"
"Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "Why are you talking like that? We aren't even Italian!"
624-
One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal barge goes down to speak to the slaves in the hold of his ship.
"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile."
The men cheered and rattled their chains.
"The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."
625-
The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a highway eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning floating in it, but two of the spots looked very suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup - aren't they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live around here."
626-
A guy goes into a flag shop and asks for a green union jack.
The shop assistant is forced to explain that you only get union jack flags in red white and blue.
The man considers this, then says, "I'll have a blue one then."
627-
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!"
628-
One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to inspect our class.
First up was Private O'Malley. The colonel got right in his face and asked him what reading he had on his 105mm howitzer. "Two-nine-oh-seven, sir," was the reply.
"Soldier," said the colonel, "don't you know you never say 'oh' in the artillery? You say 'zero!' What's your name, private?"
"Zero Malley, sir," answered the soldier.
629-
Q. How do you know Michael Jackson is having a party?
A. There are a bunch of tricycles in front of his house.
630-
Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off!
631-
Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is plastic and harmful to children, the other is used to carry groceries.
632-
Q. What does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?
A. Two 5 year olds.
633-
Q. Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
A. He saw someone blowing bubbles and thought he'd join in.
634-
Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.
635-
Q. Why does Michael Jackson like children so much?
A. He knows how they feel.
636-
Q. How do we know Michael Jackson is guilty?
A. Several children have fingered him.
637-
Q. Where does Michael Jackson go to find a date?
A. Boys 'R Us.
638-
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Little boy blue!
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!
639-
Michael Jackson asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex.
The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.
640-
The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.
641-
Real Notes to British Milkmen
* Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
* Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
* Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
* Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
* Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
* When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
* Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant. Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
* From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
* My back door is open. Please put milk in fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
* Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
* When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.
642-
A guy goes to the Patents Office with some designs. He tells the clerk. "I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle."
"Oh sure says the clerk, "what do you call it?"
"A fottle," says the inventor
"That's a silly name., can you think of anything else?"
"I'll think about it," says the inventor. I've got something else here a folding carton
"And what do you call that?", asks the clerk.
"A farton."
"That's rude.... You can't possibly use that name!"
"Gee" says Inventor, "then you're going to HATE the name of my folding bucket!"
643-
Two old ladies were rocking in their chairs on the nursing home porch.
One says "Martha, do you remember the minuet?"
Martha answers "Heck, I don't even remember the ones I slept with."
644-
Dyslexia Website
Have you heard about the new web site for people with dyslexia?
It's http://www.dailysex.com/
645-
Quasimodo is looking to recruit someone to help him ring the bells of Notre Dame. He shows the first bloke he interviews how to ring the bells.
"What you do is swing the bell out and when it swings back hit it with your head"
Quasi gives a demonstration much to the amazement of man. "Now you try" says Quasi.
So the man swings the bell out and as it swings backs hits it with his head at which point he goes flying out the bell tower and falls 200ft onto the ground below. Splat!
A crowd of people gather round the man when Quasi approaches. "Do you know this man" asks a member of the crowd.
"No" says Quasi "but his face don't half ring a bell"
646-
The bad news about being a test tube baby is that you know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
647-
They say that love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
648-
Five reasons not to be a penis:
1) Your head is bald forever.
2) You live between two nuts.
3) An asshole lives behind you.
4) Your best mate's a cunt.
5) When you get excited, you get sick and then faint.
649-
WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ - OR IS IT ?
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial aeroplane?
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? *116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? *Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get catgut? *Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? *November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? *Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? *Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? *Albert
8) What colour is a purple finch? *Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? *New Zealand
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial aeroplane? *Orange, of course.
What do you mean you failed?
650-
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
651-
Quotes
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
"no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall." (Eleanor Roosevelt)
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.
(George Burns)
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain)
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. (Les Dawson)
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
(Charlotte Whitton)
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy
Durante)
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain)
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)
652-
My girlfriend was a yoga teacher.
When I first met her she used to bend over backwards to please me
653-
Remember. Every time you masturbate God kills a kitten.
654-
A man without arms or legs is sunbathing by the sea on a small rocky peninsula. He is approached by three beautiful young
women who take pity on him.
The first woman says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head no, and she leans down and gives him a big hug.
"Have you ever been kissed?" asks the second woman.
He shakes his head no, and she kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been screwed?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in!"
655-
Following are real answers from various UK quiz shows:
The Weakest Link: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet ?
Contestant: Jool carriageway
Radio 2: What is the Italian word for motorway ?
Contestant: Expresso
The Biggest Game in Town: What was signed to bring World War 1 to an end?
Contestant: The Magna Carta
Fifteen to One: What major town on the River Severn, famed for its fine china, shares its name with the sauce used in a Bloody Mary ?
Contestant: Tomato.
The Weakest Link: Which of the Marx brothers remained silent throughout all their movies ?
Contestant: Karl
Quizmaster; In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Contestant: Japan
Quizmaster; I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Contestant: Er, Mexico.
Beacon Radio: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope ?
Contestant: I think I know that one, is it Jewish ?
The Weakest Link: Which Indian leader, whose last name began with"G", took the title Mahatma ?
Contestant: Geronimo
The Weakest Link: Who was the only inmate of Spandau Prison in Berlin between 1966 and 1987 ?
Contestant: The Birdman of Alcatraz.
The Weakest Link: Which famous artist painted the Mona Lisa ?
Contestant: Frank Bough.
The Weakest Link: Which calendar month is named after the first Roman Emperor, Caesar Augustus ?
Contestant: June
BBC Radio Newcastle; How long did the Six Day war between Egypt and Israel last ?
Contestant (after long pause): 14 days
BBC's The Enemy Within; Which of the seven Wonders of the Ancient World would you have found in Babylon ?
Contestant: The Hanging Baskets.
GMTV: In which direction do the hands of a clock travel ?
Contestant: Anti-clockwise.
The Weakest Link: What "W" is the capital of Poland ?
Contestant: Worcestershire.
William G. Stewart: Which city in Devon lies at the southern end of the M5 motorway ?
Contestant: Southern Yemen.
Radio Scotland: What is the currency of India ?
Contestant: Ramadan.
The Weakest Link: Which Douglas lost both legs but still flew in the Battle of Britain ?
Contestant: Douglas Hurd.
Radio 2: In 1863, which American President gave the Gettysburg Address ?
Contestant: I don't know, it was before I was born.
The Weakest Link: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
John Leslie (ITV This Morning): On which river is Newcastle situated?
Contestant: The Thames.
Leslie: Yes, well done.
Radio Hallam: Of which European country is Lisbon the capital ?
Contestant: Australia
Radio Hallam: Sorry, that's the wrong answer, we'll go to the next caller.
Second Contestant: I was going to say Australia as well. Is it Gibraltar ?
The Weakest Link: In sport, the name of which famous racehorse was the word "murder" spelt backwards ?
Contestant: Shergar
The Weakest Link: The presenter of the television series Telly Addicts was Noel who ?
Contestant: Coward
BBC1 judgmental: British politics, who was the only female member of the Gang of Four ?
Contestant: Myra Hindley
The Weakest Link: What "T" are the people who live in a house paying rent to a landlord ?
Contestant: Terrorists.
The Weakest Link: According to the common saying, "revenge is a dish best served...." what? Cold or on toast ?
Contestant: On toast
The Weakest Link: William Shakespeare wrote seven plays about Kings of England who all shared the same name. What name ?
Contestant: oh ...I don't have an answer...(moment of inspiration)...Ralph
Family Fortunes: Name a type of fork not used for eating ?
Contestant: Guy Fawkes
Who wants to be a Millionaire: What is another name for the Pope? a)Pontiff, b) Pontiac, c) Poncho, d) Pontefract.
Contestants Emma Bunton (Baby Spice) and Will Young (Pop Idol) after2 minutes silence...We'll ask the audience please.
The Weakest Link: The equator divides the world into how many hemispheres ?
Contestant: Three
Radio 2; Which is the largest rodent in North America ?
Contestant: The Great White Whale.
Virgin Radio: Name Les Dennis's estranged wife ?
Contestant: Margaret Thatcher.
Virgin radio; Are you absolutely sure ?
Contestant: That's the one.
The Weakest Link: Which Egyptian actor starred in Lawrence of Arabia, and also wrote a newspaper column on the subject of Bridge ?
Contestant: Naomi Campbell.
656-
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.
657-
What do you call a Telly tubby that's been burgled?
Tubby
658-
A woman walked into the ladies and saw a man standing up using the toilet.
Shocked, she exclaimed, "This is just for women !"
"So's this," he replied
659-
Q: What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you get lucky and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
660-
Do you know how to reuse a condom?
Turn it inside out and wash the fuck out of it.
661-
What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.
662-
"Mummy, mummy. There's a man at the door with a bill."
"Don't be silly, darling. It's a duck with a hat on...."
663-
Camilla Parker Bowles bought Prince Charles a bookmark for Christmas.
It was to stop him bending the pages over.
664-
I see they're having a sale at Beachy
Head. Buy one jumper get two free.
665-
Q. What's the similarity between illegal immigrants and sperm?
A. Thousands of the buggers get in but only one of ‘em works.
666-
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."
The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?"
The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know."
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?".
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."
667-
Q. How do you get down from an elephant?
A. You don't, you get down from a duck.
668-
What’s better than twenty-eight year old girls?
21
669-
Out walking the dog this morning I saw two teenagers wrestling with an old-age pensioner for her purse. I immediately ran over to help
We got the fucking thing off her in the end
670-
A woman phones the police and says, I would like to report being raped by 2 council workmen.
How do you know they were council workers? asked the police.
Because, replied the woman, I had to do all the work.......
671-
There were three druggies; a speed-freak, an acid-head and a pot-head.. One day they were walking along together, when they noticed a beautiful city in the distance.
The acid-head said "Lets all drop some LSD tabs and then fly over to the city and fully
appreciate how wonderful the city is."
The speed-freak said "No, lets all take some amphetamines, sprint over to the city, jump over the walls and then run around exploring to see how great the city is."
The pot-head said "Hey cool it man, lets smoke some reefers and go there tomorrow"
672-
There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker. After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away
the "parts", but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."
Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty. The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.
The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said, "You know, it's the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like hell!!"
673-
Some quotes from the immortal Bill Hicks:
Did you know that if you play the New Kids On The Block record backwards, it actually sounds better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How come people always flip and think they're Jesus? Why not Buddha?
Particularly in America, where more people resemble Buddha than Jesus.
'Ah'm BUDDHA!' 'You're Bubba!' 'Ah'm Buddha now..All I gotta do is change 3 letters on ma belt...'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
See I think drugs have done some good things for us. If you don't think drugs have done good things for us then do me a favor. Go home tonight and take all of your records,tapes and all your CD's and burn them. Because, you know all those musicians who made all that great music that's
enhanced your lives throughout the years? Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreal fucking high on drugs, man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know all that money we spend on the military ever year - trillions of dollars? Instead, if we use this money to feed and clothe the poor of this world, which it would do many times over, then we can explore space, inner and outer, together, as one race.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do atheists scream when they come?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin' cross? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm -come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long
time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed through a slow vibration, we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, life is only a dream and we are the imaginations of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My final point about alcohol, about drugs, about Pornography...What business is it of
yours what I do, read, buy, see or take into my body as long as I don't harm another human being whilst on this planet? And for those of you having a little moral
dilemma on how to answer this, I'll answer for you. NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS Take that to the bank, cash it and take it on a vacation outta my fucking life. And stop bringing shotguns to UFO sightings, they might be here to pick me up and take me with 'em.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Obnoxious , self-righteous, whining little fucks. My biggest fear is that if I quit smoking, I'll become one of you...Don't take that wrong. I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times.
Ready?.......Non-smokers die every day...Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurtling back to reality....You're dead too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I generally love my job. You know what the great thing about being a comic is? I have no boss. That's a
definite lifestyle plus isn't it? ..Aren't bosses something?.....They're like gnats at a picnic man....Get the fuck out of here buddy, it's just a job, doesn't mean a thing. I smoked a joint this morning, you're lucky I showed...My bed was like a womb man...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Think of me as Chomsky with dick jokes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to
question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride... And we... kill those people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn't it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, "It's gonna be worth it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not a girl, I'm a guy you know? But at the same time, I tell ya how you can solve this abortion issue right now. Ready? Those unwanted babies that single moms leave in alleys and in dumpsters? Leave about 12 of those on the steps of The Supreme Court. This is over. Like that. "You guys said we had to have them? Then you guys...FUCKING RAISE 'EM." "Raise 'em then, you fucking fucking raise 'em. YOU raise 'em. You said I had to have it? Then it's yours. Fuck. It's yours..Take it"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough.
That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year, after the show I went to a Waffle House, I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me, "Tch tch tch tch. Hey, what you readin' for?" Is that like the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading for. Well, godammit, you stumped me. Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one, is so I don't end up, being a fucking waffle waitress.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And on the seventh day, god stepped back and said "There is my creation, perfect in every way... oh, dammit I left pot all over the place. Now they'll think I want them to smoke it... Now I have to create Republicans."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
People say "Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world". Yeah, maybe, but you know what, after the first 3 largest armies, there's a REAL big fucking drop-off. The Hare Krishnas are the 5th largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin' mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives?
RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few songs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe that the the world is 12,000 years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them.
"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years."
Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good. You believe the world's 12,000 years old?
"That's right."
Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?
"Uh-huh."
Dinosaurs.
You know the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.
"And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.
"And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills.
"And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing. What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
674-
Bumper Stickers on a Car Near YOU
# I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
# Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?
# It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
# I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
# If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off...[Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest]
# If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
# Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
# If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
# Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
# Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
# If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
# Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
# Ax Me About Ebonics
# Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
# Boldly Going Nowhere
# Cat: The Other White Meat
# Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
# Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
# Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
# Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
# How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
# If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
# Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
# Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
# Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
# What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
# Peta - People Eating Tasty Animals
# Eat Moose 10,000 Wolves can't be wrong
# Support Abortion, Don't labour under a misconception.
# Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
# Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
# If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
# Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
# If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
# Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
# If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
# My Kid Got Your Honour Roll Student Pregnant.
# Thank You For Pot Smoking.
# To All You Virgins... Thanks For Nothing.
# If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.
# Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."
# If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
# Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
# It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
# If You're Not A Haemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
# You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
# The Earth Is Full - Go Home
# I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
# This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
# So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
# Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
# If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
# The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
# Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
# Illiterate? Write For Help
# Honk If Anything Falls Off
# Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
# He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
# I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
# You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
675-
A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.
The young man said "I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!"
He then continues and says, "It took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly."
The uncle says with a confused look, "Um son we don't have a cow...We have a bull!"
676-
Michael Jackson tried killing himself Wednesday morning by jumping off his boat .
The police found him last night bobbing up and down on a small buoy.
677-
Prince Charles arrived at Hartlepool on an official visit.
When he got out of the car the Mayor was surprised to see that Charles had a red animal skin on his head, with a bushy tail hanging down the back.
Keeping a straight face he asked the prince what the headgear was for.
Prince Charles said, "Oh, Mummy told me to wear it.
When she asked, at breakfast, where I was going today, I told her Hartlepool. She said 'Oh, wear the fox
hat!'
678-
Martha Stewart's quick chicken recipe - boil the chicken in water, then dump the stock.
679-
A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Casino, when he met up with a striking but quite small and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed.
She told him that she was a jockey and that, if he came to the races at Newbury that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In Race 2 she rode out rubbing both her tits. The bloke looked through the race book and found Two Abreast, on which he placed a hundred quid on at 5-1. It won by two lengths.
In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her finger around her eye. He put the lot on Eyeliner at 10-1 and was five grand in front.
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her fanny. He couldn't work this out and backed nothing.
After the races they met up and her thanked her for the winners in Races 2 and 4.
"What about Itchy Mick in the last at 20-1 she asked?"
"Shit," he said, "I thought you were telling me the cunt was scratched!"
680-
Don't have sex man.
It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
681-
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"
The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"
"Yes."
"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."
"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight."
682-
A missionary in Africa was reading his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down by his other side.
Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he slowly returned to reading his Bible, trying to remain as quiet & still as he could.
As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him.
Moral: Don't try to read between the lions.
683-
The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.
684-
The Ultimate List Of Excuses ...
I'd love to but...
** I want to spend more time with my blender.
** The man on television told me to say tuned.
** It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
** I'm building a pig from a kit.
** There's a disturbance in the Force.
** I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
** I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
** It's too close to the turn of the century.
** I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
** I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
** I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
** I'm trying to be less popular.
** I have to study for a blood test.
** I have to rotate my crops.
685-
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."
686-
This little old lady lived in the deep country side, and went up to London once a year. She got a taxi to the station, where she boarded the express.
It whisked her smoothly across country - you can tell this was set years ago, before Notwork Rail - and she was enjoying the trip.
Suddenly the train jolted her about violently for several minutes, bouncing her round the compartment - and then the jolting stopped, just as suddenly.
Our little old lady spent the next few minutes sorting herself out, checking that she had not broken anything, and so on.
The ticket inspector came in, and, after showing him her ticket, she asked why the train, normally so very smooth, had bounced her about so violently.
'We ran over a rabbit, Madam'.
'A rabbit? this train ran over a rabbit and it bounced me about for several minutes?'
'Why yes, Madam - although we had to chase the little bleeder across half a dozen fields before we got
'im!'
687-
My wife has breasts like coconuts!
Just as big and hard?
No, just as hairy.
688-
A real gentlemen always lifts the toilet seat up... After accidentally pissing all over it.
689-
A bunch of cannibals caught two Americans on a Safari, and threw them into a pot full of water and veggies and placed the pot over a big fire. The temperature of the pot is increasing steadily. Suddenly, the second American starts to laugh hysterically. The first American asks:
-What are you laughing at, dumbass? Don't you realize that we're about to be cooked and eaten?
To which the second American answers:
-I just pissed in their soup!!!
690-
How many flies does take to screw in a light bulb?
Two --- but no one can figure out how they got in there.
691-
A couple were at the University of Cambridge for their daughter's MA graduation ceremony they were intrigued by the list of degree hoods in the official graduation booklet.
They were particularly struck by the following pair of entries: "Bachelor of Medicine: mid-cherry silk and white fur. Bachelor of Veterinary Medicine: similar to the hood for Bachelor of Medicine, but with more fur."
692-
If seagulls are named because they are always by the sea, then why in Newfoundland by the bay don't we call them baygulls ?
693-
I Wish I Hadn't Said That
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
694-
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.
After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.
"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.
"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"
695-
Vocabulary Test for the Dirty Minded
1) What is a four-letter word that ends in "k" and means the same as intercourse?
2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4) What word starts with "f " and ends with "u-c-k"?
5) Name five words that are each four letters long, end in " u-n-t " one of which is a word for a woman?
6) What does a dog do that you can step into?
7) What four letter word begins with "f " and ends with " k", and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
8) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
9) What four-letter word ends in "i-t " and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
10) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
ANSWERS:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (pants)
7. (fork)
8. (Almond Joy candy bar)
9. (grit)
10. (last name)
696-
In an attempt to get back at
David, Victoria Beckham alleges she had an affair with Michael Jackson.
Jackson denies this as he says he was stuck in Brooklyn at the time...
697-
What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
An infected pussy on your organ.
698-
I was driving my car down a side street the other day when all of a sudden this cat jumped out in front of me. I hit the brakes, but I heard a thump, so I stopped. There was the cat lying right in the road. It was still alive, but I apparently had run over its tail and the force of the tire had cut it off.
A lady came running out of a house screaming, "You killed my cat!!"
I told her, "No, he's O. K., except for the tail, and I'll fix that."
I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll of duct tape and taped the cat's tail back on.
The lady immediately blushed and called the cops. A cop showed up and immediately gave me a ticket.
Boy, was I pissed off. I had to go to court, and was convicted.
What a bummer. All for retailing pussy in a residential area.
699-
Three senior citizens - Sarah, Becky and Estelle, are sitting on a park bench in Golders Green having a quiet chat when a flasher approaches. He walks up to the bench, stands right in front of them and all of a sudden, with a loud shout, “AHA”, he opens his raincoat.
Sarah immediately has a stroke. Becky also has a stroke. But Estelle, who is much older and feebler than the other two, couldn't reach that far.
700-
A man dies. On the funeral procession the hearse has to climb a tall hill.
The back gate of the hearse flies open and the casket hops out and starts whisking down the hill. Cars dodge out of the way and the casket eventually crashes through the front window of a drug store and comes to rest right in front of the pharmacist.
The casket then pops open and the corpse sits upright and turns to the pharmacist and says "Hey, do you have anything that will stop this
COFFIN?"
701-
Diary Entries of a Young Woman on a cruise ship
Dear Diary
MONDAY:
What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honoured this evening.
The Captain asked me to dine at his table.
TUESDAY:
I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.
WEDNESDAY:
The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.
THURSDAY:
Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!
FRIDAY:
This afternoon I saved 1600 lives --- twice
702-
This guy was in a supermarket when he noticed a little old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said: "I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son." "Oh, that's OK," he said. "I know it's silly," she continued: "but if you called out 'goodbye, Mother!' as I leave, it would make me so happy." The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out: "Goodbye Mother!" The old lady waved back and smiled kindly . Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his own groceries. "That'll be 105 dollars ," said the clerk. "How come?" inquired the man: "I've only bought a few things!" "Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for hers..."
703-
Guess what this is ...
"Fuck off !!"
"No it's my turn !!"
"But you had it earlier let me have it you bastard"
"Bollucks I'm not finished"
Siamese twins having a wank
704-
A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club. A second man said, "Gee, you're fat!"
The fat man said, "Yeah."
The second man asked, "How long's it been since you've seen your dick?"
The fat man answered, "Long time."
The second man asked, "Why don't you diet?"
The fat man asks, "Why? What colour is it now?"
705-
Elderly twin sisters in a nursing home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told his photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin: "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA" said the other."Now get a little closer together" said the cameraman. Again: "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggle up close to each other. "Just hold that for a bit longer, I've got to focus." said the photographer. Yet again: "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HAS SAYS HE'S GOTTA FOCUS!" With a huge grin the deaf twin shouted out: "OH MY GOD! BOTH OF US?"
706-
Mark went to specialist after specialist in search of a diagnosis, and it finally emerged that he was suffering from a rare enzymatic disorder, the only treatment for which was fresh breast milk. So he advertised in the want ads for a wet nurse, and was delighted when a woman promptly responded. Explaining the situation over the phone, he negotiated a fee and
made an appointment for the next day.
It so happened that Mark had always been a tit man and had an exceptionally skilled set of lips and tongue, and that after a few minutes the woman found herself extremely aroused. Squirming, and breathing heavily, she managed to gasp, "Uh...is there anything else I could offer you?"
"Mmm," murmured Mark, looking up and wiping his chin. "You don't happen to have any rusks, do you?"
707-
Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
708-
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
709-
Q. What does 70 year old pussy taste like?
A. Depends!
710-
A young couple were in a car parked on Lovers Lane and the young man turned admiringly to his pretty date and said, "Gee, you smell good. You wearing perfume or something?"
The girl blushed charmingly and confessed that she was wearing a new perfume that she'd bought especially with him in mind. "You smell good, too," she aid, "What do you have on?"
"Well, I have a hard-on," blurted the young man," but I didn't know that you could smell it."
711-
The waitress was tired of this one man always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan. "I'll tell you what, Lover. I'll have sex with you on two conditions. First, it'll cost you 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash."
He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine.
712-
Q: What is an innuendo?
A: An Italian suppository!
713-
A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.
Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife, replied the Boss. Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her.
Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that...doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore..."
714-
Q: What do you call a man with a broken condom?
A: Daddy.
715-
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
716-
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high"
717-
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!"
The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Thanks, but they're too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair... try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!" With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "Oh I'm not a dentist. I work at the morgue.."
718-
Q. What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave??
A. A microwave stops when you open the door
719-
Q: How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I dunno. The bastards all run away when the light goes on.
720-
A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.
While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and ....well...it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up....!"
721-
When I got home last night, my girlfriend demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.
So I took her to the petrol station.
722-
Q: Why is the space between a woman's tits and her hips called a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in the space between them.
723-
There once was a sweet young thing who had just discovered the man of her dreams. As luck would have it, their first date took
place on the evening of her family's annual chilli contest, of which she was the judge.
The gas was starting to gurgle as they arrived back at her place after the contest. Desperate to pass the gas, but unable to find a way to be alone without offending her new beau, she came up with a plan. She brought him over to the piano and explained that she had composed a tune for him. She started playing a sweet melody then WANG she hit a hard cord and
laid a big fart.
The boyfriend smiled and she knew she had gotten away with it, so she tried it again.
After the second humungous fart she was starting to feel much better, and asked him how he liked her tune. He said it was beautiful and asked her what she called it.
She said she called it "The Storm"
He said it was the most realistic tune he had ever heard and asked her to play it again, only this time leave out the part where the lightning hits the shithouse.
724-
A man buys a horse from an old man.
The old man says, "The only catch is that this horse loves sitting on watermelons. If he sees a watermelon, he's going to sit on it." The man says OK. As he's riding his horse, he comes along a stream.
The horse stops in midstream and sits down. The man beats the horse, but the horse refuses to budge. The man pushes and shoves the horse, but the horse refuses to move.
Finally the man drags the horse out of the river and brings him back to the old man.
"I don't understand," the man says. "He sat down in the middle of the river and refused to budge. You told me he likes to sit on watermelons, so I don't understand why he was sitting in the middle of the river."
"I forgot," the old man said, "he also likes to sit on fish."
725-
While being interviewed, wise old King Solomon was asked why he had 1000 wives.
His reply. "Well, with 1000 wives.... hopefully at least one of them won't have a headache."
726-
The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
727-
What do you call 20 Mancunians in a filing cabinet?
Sorted!
728-
Q: What's worse: ignorance or apathy?
A: I don't know and I don't care.
729-
Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A. George Michael's latest release.
730-
Q. What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
A. Hugh Grant.
731-
American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
732-
"You know, they say that common sense isn't as common as they say it is."
733-
Graffiti in a biochemistry lab:
"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."
734-
Answerphone top five
Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
2. Hi! I'm probably home; I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message and if I don't call back, it's you.
And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you.
735-
A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.
"What kind of business do you want to start?", asks the bank manager.
"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach."
"I don't think we can give you a loan," was the reply so the guy left.
A few months later he went into the bank with a wheelbarrow filled with money. The same bank manager came up to him and asked: "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."
"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."
"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"
"Give me a peach and I'll show you."
736-
NEW CELEBRITY PENNED BOOKS
By Sarah Ferguson, Ex-Duchess of York: Cash In On Your Ex's Celebrity Status Long After Being Dumped
By Elizabeth Taylor: Fat And Depressed? Write A Book About It!
By Eva Gabor: Become Rich And Famous With Little Or No Personal Accomplishment
By Cher, Forward by Madonna: Garner Attention By Acting And Dressing Like A Slut
By Michael Douglas: Boost Your Ego By Marrying Someone Less Than Half Your Age
By Sir Elton John: Get What You Want By Being A Tyrannical, Flamboyant, Chubby Little Man-Bitch
By Farrah Fawcett: How To Gross Out Your Grandchildren By Posing Nude In Playboy
By Michael Jackson: The Joy Of Rearing Young Boys
737-
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
738-
Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity.
739-
Q: How did Bill Gates accumulate all of his wealth?
A: By never spending more than $3 on a haircut.
740-
Q: What do Catherine the Great,
Attila the Hun, and Bozo the Clown have in common?
A: Same middle name.
741-
Talk is cheap...until lawyers get involved.
742-
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
743-
Save your breath! You may need it to blow up your date
744-
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69.
And she said, "No, but I have done 53 --
that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
745-
Q: Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
A: She woke up with a kernel between her legs.
746-
Two housewives were sitting on the porch of a giant mansion talking to each other. The first one said, "For my first anniversary, my husband gave me this 1/2 carat diamond ring."
"That's real nice" said the second lady.
"For my second, he gave me that Ferrari parked over there" said the first one.
"That's real nice" answered the second lady.
"And for my third anniversary, he gave this mansion" said the first lady.
"That's real nice" said the second lady.
"So, what do you get for your anniversary?" asked the first lady.
"Well, my husband sent me to a manner school on my first anniversary" answered the second lady.
"Why did he sent you to a manner school?" the first one asked.
The second replied, "Well, I used to say 'who gives a crap'. Now I say, 'That's real nice'."
747-
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...
That's not right ........................ ....Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?.......... Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP...............................Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man.................................. .Dum Fuk
Small Horse................................. Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? ...............Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table ......... ..Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift .............. Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here .................... ..Wao So Dim
I thought you were on a diet ........ ..Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone ............... No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao?
Staying out of sight .......................Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile .........Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive ........... Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great .......................................... Fa Kin Su Pah
748-
According to the latest issue of Nature Biotechnology, scientists have implanted human DNA into female goats.
Is that really new?
Lonely farmers have been doing that for years.
749-
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. WHACK! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the adjacent farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him". "Suit yourself", says the farmer, "the hens are around the back".
750-
An Amish boy was sitting on his bed reading the Bible. All of a sudden, his father storms in, grabs him and drags him out into the pasture. In the pasture is one sheep chewing grass. The father points to the sheep and says, "Thou hast had sexual relations with Yon sheep!". The boy kneels and says, "Father forgive me for I did indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast". Saddened, the father says, "Thou are forgiven my son. But know this….there will Fire and Brimstone if I taste it again!!".
751-
Q: What do you give a
paedophile who has everything?
A: A bigger parish.
752-
Q: What's the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker?
A: You get your baby back from a rottweiler.
753-
A stockbroker calls a client and says, "Sam, I have good news and bad news."
Sam says, "Tell me the bad news first."
The stockbroker says, "I lost all of your money."
Sam says, "What's the good news?"
The stockbroker says, "I got laid last night."
754-
Stash says to his pal, "What a great time I had with Myra last night. We went skating, and then we were kissing in the back seat of my car." His pal says, "Really?" Stash says, "Yep. And then she touched me between my legs, and I touched her between her legs." His pal says, "Really?" Stash says, "Yep. And then she took off my pants, and I took off her pants, and she yanked on me, and I stuck two fingers right up inside her." His pal says, "Really? What did she feel like in there?" Stash says, "I don't know. I had my mittens on."
755-
Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat.
Ed says " What should we do?" Bill says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help." So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, "Help me get him in the boat." They wrestle Fred back into the boat. Ed says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's breathing." Bill says, "Give him mouth to mouth." Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath." Bill says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a rotting snowmobile suit, either."
756-
Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked.
"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another
woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a
low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust."
"Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in?"
"I sell lucky charms," said Ted.
757-
The three-time felon felt a wave of panic come over him as he surveyed the jury in the courthouse. Positive he'd never beat
the murder rap, he managed to get hold of one of the kinder looking jurors, and bribe her with his life savings to go for a manslaughter verdict.
Sure enough, at the close of the trial the jury declared him guilty of manslaughter. Tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes, the young man had a moment with the juror before being led off to prison. "Thank you, thank you - how'd you do it?"
"It wasn't easy," she admitted. "They all wanted to acquit you."
758-
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are fucking menthol...
759-
Subject: Urgent Hoax Alert
I usually hate those hoax warnings, but this one is important!
Send this warning to everyone on your E-mail list immediately.
If someone comes to your front door saying he is conducting a survey and asks you to take your clothes off, DO NOT DO IT!!! This is a scam;
he only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd received this warning yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now.
760-
There was this old woman who heard a song called, "Two Lips and Seven Kisses" on her local radio station. She called up the DJ after hearing the song to get the name of the record company.
In dialling, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two balls and seven inches!"
The woman asked, "Is that a record?"
The attendant replied, "Not really, buy it's a pretty damn good average!"
761-
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a
lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you really should move your cat."
762-
Intellectual Bathroom Graffiti
Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favours
Your Mother and Father Are of the Same Genetic Background
Mexicans Smell Vaguely of Jalapenos
Last Night You Enjoyed Carnal Pleasures With Your Sister
Your Intelligence Quota is Dubious at Best
For a Moderate Fee I Believe Your Mother Would Fellate Me
You Have Had Intimate Relations With a Person of African Descent and You Shall Never Know the Love of a Caucasian Again.
You Look Upon Your Dog With Lust
Methinks You Have the Odor of Fecal Matter Upon You
I Partook in Intercourse with Your Sister's Derriere
The Acne on Your Face Spreads Throughout Your Nether Regions
The People of France Know Not the Joys of Deodorant
A Hamster is Superior in Intelligence to Your Mother
For An Evening of Sordid Delights Involving Both Sadism and Masochism, Please Ring Mary at 212.555.5555
Ryan Beaugarde is Inadequate in the Ways of Oral Enjoyment
The Heavy Metal Rock Band Entitled Motley Crue is Quite First-Rate
Your Sexually Promiscuous Mother Can Be Found in the Phone Book Under "Whore"
Homosexuals Are Men Who Have Intercourse With Other Men. If You Participate in Such Activities You Are A Homosexual
Your Father's Proclivities Lead Him to Engage in Relations with Livestock
President Bush is Missing a Chromosome
The Toilet Upon Which You Currently Sit is Sprayed with a Mixture of Vomit, Feces and Urine.
763-
What's 72?
69 with 3 people watching
764-
Q. How many hamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Only two, but they've got to be in the mood.
765-
Q. What's the difference between Gary Glitter & Football?
A. Your wife will probably let you take her up the Football.
766-
A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings!
She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her. He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her.
By this time, the firemen are there. He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?"
The fireman says, "No!"
The guy then says, "Well if you see her, screw her. It's paid for."
767-
My dog Minton ate all my shuttle cocks.
Bad Minton!
768-
What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite.
769-
What's white and sticky and moves quickly across the floor?
Come dancing
770-
What’s the similarity between lobster thermidor and a blow job?
You only ever get them when you’re away from home.
771-
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life"
772-
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said: '"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered: "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said: "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
773-
I was at a bar, I asked a girl to dance, and every time I twirled her around, she got two inches taller. I said, "What's going on?" She said, "You're unscrewing my wooden leg."
774-
What's the surest sign a man is in love?
When he divorces his wife.
775-
Q: What do you call a Serbian prostitute?
A: Slobberdown mecock yabitch.
776-
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
* Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
* Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
* Child's death ruins couple's holiday
* Child's stool great for use in garden
* Cold wave linked to temperatures
* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
* Dealers will hear car talk at noon
* Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
* Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
* If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
* Iraqi head seeks arms
* Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
* Miners refuse to work after death
* Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
* Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
* Prostitutes appeal to Pope
* Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
* Queen Mary having bottom scraped
* Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
* Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
* Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
* Squad helps dog bite victim
* Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
* Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
* Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
* War dims hope for peace
* Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
* Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
* Doctor testifies in horse suit
* Drunk Driver Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
* Here's how you can lick Doberman's leg sores
* Kids Make Nutritious Snack
* Killer Sentences To Die For Second Time in 10 Years
* New Study of Obesity Looks For Larger Group
* Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead
* Utah girl does well in dog shows
777-
A wife finishes her shower and is wrapping a towel around herself when suddenly the doorbell rings. "I'll get it" she says to her husband who is just about to have a shower himself. She goes downstairs and answers the door to find her husband's friend Dave standing there. Dave is stunned by the sight of her glistening body. He pulls £100 out of his pocket and says:
"You can have this if you drop the towel down round your waist". Money for nothing she thinks and lowers her towel. Delighted, Dave pulls another £100 out of his pocket and says: "This is yours if you drop the towel completely". Having come this far the wife decides she might as well drop the towel completely and Dave hands over the cash and walks off smiling. The wife goes back inside to her husband who asks who was at the door. "It was Dave," she answers. Her husband promptly replied: "Did he mention the £200 he owes me?"
778-
Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men sat in the garden one evening.
Bill says : "Flobalobbablob"
Ben says : "If you loved me you'd swallow"
779-
The little Indian brave walked up the the Tribal Chief one day and asked if it was the case that he named all the newborn children in the village. The Chief replied that this was correct. The little brave then asked the Chief how he chose the names. The Chief explained that after he left the Teepee where the child was born he just looked around, and it was just the first thing he was. It could be a passing cloud, a running bear or perhaps a flying hawk. The Chief then said, why are you asking, two dogs fucking ?
780-
New T-Shirts seen around town ...
My Wife Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
(Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
Senior Citizen: Just Give Me My Discount
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be
Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
I Childproofed My House! But They Still Get In.
(Front) 60 Is Not Old! (Back) If You're A Tree.
I'm Still Hot!...It Just Comes In Flashes.
At My Age, "Getting Lucky" Means Finding My Car In The Parking Lot!
Life Is Short...Make Fun Of It.
I'm Not 50!...I'm $49.95 Plus Tax.
(Front) I Need Somebody Bad! (Back) Are You Bad?
PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT!
BUCKLE UP! (It Makes It Harder For The Aliens To Snatch You From Your Car.)
I Am Not A Snob! (I'm Just Better Than You Are.)
It's My Cat's World! I'm Just Here To Open Cans.
Earth Is The Insane Asylum Of The Universe!
Keep Staring...I May Do A Trick.
We Got Rid Of The Kids! The Cat Was Allergic.
Dangerously Under-Medicated!
My Mind Works Like Lightning! One Brilliant Flash And It's Gone.
Every Time I Hear The Dirty Word "Exercise" I Wash My Mouth Out With Chocolate.
Cats Regard People As Warm-Blooded Furniture.
Live Your Life So That When You Die, The Preacher Won't Have To Tell Lies At Your Funeral.
In God We Trust! All Others We Polygraph
781-
A girl meets her girlfriend.
Whassup? You look so pale.
I'm going to drown myself.
What's the problem?
No one wants to fuck me. My cunt stinks.
Relax. I'll introduce you to a boxer. His nose is broken, he can't smell a thing!
She meets the boxer, they're in the bed, suddenly the man gets up and starts putting his clothes on.
Hey, what's the wrong?
Your cunt stinks!
Your nose is broken! You can't smell it!
Yea, but my eyes are full of tears.
782-
Sex Manual For Computer Experts
1. Be user friendly
2. Take bytes (nibbles) hehe
3. Fondle joystick ;)
4. Spread sheet
5. Fix surge protector
6. Activate hardware
7. Insert disc, all the way (yes yes)
8. Do it until it megabytes
9. Back it up
10. Eject floppy :(
783-
WANTED:
Good woman. Able to clean, cook, sew, dig worms and gut fish.
Must have boat and motor. Send picture of boat and motor.
784-
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
785-
When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.
786-
I need someone to refresh my memory.
How many cars are allowed through an intersection after the light turns red?
Is it three or five?
787-
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
788-
The old man with a tweed jacket, standing outside the supermarket with a collection box reading "Please help my dailysex".
His wife comes up "Arthur, you've misspelt dyslexia again".
789-
TEST
Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer, give yourself two points, for every incorrect answer deduct two points. Answer at bottom of page. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score less than 14 points and are male... send address and photos! You may begin ... now!
CLUES
1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.
3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger.
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.
5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
6. When I go in, I can produce pain. I cause you to spit, and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.
7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.
9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You like to blow me.
10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.
11. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.
12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
13. My business is done in briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.
ANSWERS
1. Nose
2. Peanut Butter
3. A Crane
4. The Titanic
5. A Tent
6. A Dentist
7. A Wedding Ring
8. An Elevator
9. Chewing Gum
10. News Paper Boy
11. A Glove
12. An Arrow
13. An Attorney
790-
WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT!
1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!
3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
4. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder? What the hell was I thinking?
5. Congratulations on your wedding day... too bad no one likes your husband.
6. How could two people as beautiful as you... have such an ugly baby?
7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you... I've changed my mind.
8. I must admit, you brought religion into my life... I never believed in Hell till I met you.
9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... that you're not here to ruin it for me.
10. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
11. Someday I hope to get married... but not to you.
12. Happy birthday! You look great for your age... almost lifelike!
13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
14. We have been friends for a very long time... what say we stop?
15. I'm so miserable without you... it's almost like you're here.
16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy... did you ever find out who the father was?
17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday... so we're having you put to sleep.
18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia)
791-
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble: (using each letter only once):
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
792-
Q What's the definition of the World's Unluckiest Man?
A Jehovah's Witness haemophiliac....
793-
Two Bee Keepers are conversing about their vocation,
One says: I've got two hundred thousand Bees, in seven hives, how about you?
Two says: five hundred thousand bees now. Two hives.
One says: five hundred thousand? two hives?
Two says: fuck 'em. they're only Bees.
794-
Q. What's the difference between a Microwave cooker and anal sex?
A. Microwaves don't brown the meat.
795-
Edinburgh Festival Best Jokes
More than 400 performers have been demonstrating the art of cutting-edge comedy on and beyond the Fringe. Here's a selection of the best gags ...
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be shitting herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat. Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital? A: The ultrasound people.
David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon
I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said: "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school. Ahmed Ahmed at C34
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said: "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said: "All right, but we're not going to get much done." Jimmy Carr at the ICC
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
Scott Capurro at the Pleasance
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. Jimmy Carr at the ICC
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?" Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr
My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked. Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance
I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked a million dollars... he's really let himself go...
Eddie Bannon at the Gilded Balloon
We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It's called jail.
Colin Ramone at The Stand
I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't work out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have you not got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I look or what job I have and has a nice big pair of boobs?" And she checked on her computer and said: "Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it's you."
Karl Spain at the Gilded Balloon
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
I've just become a lesbian. At first I wasn't sure if I was gay or bi but I'm definitely vegan so I'm moving in the right direction.
Jade the Folksinger at the Pleasance
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that
Milton Jones at the Underbelly
796-
The perfect headline in a London newspaper:
"FOG IN CHANNEL - CONTINENT ISOLATED!"
797-
What goes click click, is that it?
Click click, is that it?
Click click, is that it?
Stevie Wonder doing a rubic cube.
798-
Bob, a 60 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
799-
Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything".
Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back". Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"
"How much?" asked Paddy.
"Three quid." replied the salesperson.
"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as happy as
larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.
He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the salesperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom -
what's going on?"
The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock."
800-
Our friends, James and Florence, attend choir practice Wednesday evenings and often head for a restaurant afterwards with their fellow choir members.
Florence soon noticed that every time she had a glass of wine, it was followed by a severe migraine headache. James agreed with her that it might be better if she abstained, and so she did.
On one post choir occasion, however, Florence decided, after some hesitation, to order a glass of wine. Sometime passed with no untoward consequences.
Then she waved happily across the big table where her colleagues all sat and announced in a loud voice, "James, I don't have a headache tonight!"
801-
A former McDonald's cashier working at a drugstore encounters his first customer:
Customer- Let me have a pack of condoms please.
Former Cashier- Will that be for here or to go?
802-
The Top 13 Bad Romance Novel Metaphors or Similes
13. His finger, weathered and rough from years on the ranch, danced in and out of his nose like a slimy ballerina.
12. Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a helpless dust bunny in the roaring cacophony of his gas-powered leaf blower.
11. His chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool.
10. With each breath, her chest heaved like a bulimic after Thanksgiving dinner.
9. Her sun-glazed back formed a golden arch as he moved his face toward her happy meal.
8. He tore open her blouse like a Publisher's Clearing House letter in which he, and some guy named Steven Bouber from Stockton, California, were potential finalists for the ten million dollar prize.
7. With his broad shoulders and slim waist, he was a yield sign -- yet she could NOT!
6. Her breasts heaved like a stormy ocean, and her pointed nipples were like hypodermics washed up on the shore.
5. ...then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the windshield of a Porsche on the Autobahn.
4. Beatrice was on him like a piranha on a corn dog.
3. As she kissed her way down his manly chest, he felt his Amalgamated Crane Company stock increasing in value.
2. Her embrace made his manhood swell like week old road-kill on hot asphalt in the Georgia sun.
1. His body was hard, not hard like Milosevic, the Serbian strongman, but hard like the marble on your shower floor, when you fall and bang your knee.
803-
Things Could Be Worse
Sex Could Be Fattening
804-
Alcohol May Be Man's Worst Enemy
But The Bible Says Love Thy Enemy
805-
Anyone Preying On My Mind Today
Would Starve To Death
806-
An old lady walks up to a man standing at a bus stop and asks:
"Do you know which bus I would have to take to get to the cemetery?"
"The one with no brakes."
807-
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
808-
At a local college there was a dance. A guy from America asked a girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing he gives her a little squeeze and says, "In America we call this a hug."
She says, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek and says, "In America we call this a kiss." She says, "Yaah, in Sveden we call it a kiss too."
Later that evening after quite a few drinks, he takes her out on the campus lawn and proceeds to screw her and says, "In America we call this a grass sandwich."
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
809-
When I was a young man and got an erection it was so solid I could not bend it using both hands, but now I'm in my twilight years, if I get an erection I find I can bend it with just one hand. Does this mean I'm getting stronger?
810-
Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, "So, what do you hunt?" Kurt answered "I hunt unicorns."
Paul was startled, but said "Really? How do you do that?" Kurt replied,
"I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."
Paul said, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one."
Kurt said, "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"
811-
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her
812-
Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money!
813-
Why was the 86 year old man acquitted of rape?
The evidence wouldn't stand up in court
814-
What did Adam say when he woke up with a rib missing?
Something smells fishy around here.
815-
What is having one wife too many?
Marriage
816-
John went on vacation to Helopisa. As soon as he stepped outside, SPLAT!!! A big piece of bird shit fell on him. He asked the first person he saw where he could wash it off. ''No! No!,'' they said. ''You cannot wash it off! That is good luck! The ancient foo bird has chosen you! You must never wash it off!''
''Hey, I can live with good luck!'' he thought.
But after a while, it started to stink. Every time that he was about to wash it off, someone appeared and said '' No! You cannot wash it off.'' So he left it on. After a week, people on the street started avoiding him. No one would give him the time of day anymore. So as soon as he got back to the hotel, he washed it off. At dinner time, he got dressed and left the hotel. At the first intersection he came to, he got hit and killed by a Mack truck. All because he washed off the bird shit.
The moral of this story is, ''If the foo shits, wear it!''
817-
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one
or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
818-
How do you keep a sex maniac in suspense for 24 hours?
I'll tell you tomorrow
819-
Camilla Parker Bowles goes to her doctor and says.
"Doctor every time I give Prince Charles a blow job I get this really bad heart burn."
The doctor looks at her and replies "Have you tried Andrews."
820-
Why shouldn't you tease a dysfunctional dwarf?
Because its not big and its not clever
821-
I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to pee on people.
That put me right off him.
822-
Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy directly into their mouths.
This dangerous practice is known as "E by gum".
823-
What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control? A trip without the kids
824-
"I used to call my last live-in 'Head Hunter.'"
"Oh, was that because of his business tactics?"
"No! It was because he was always looking for some way to get me to give him head!"
825-
Why does everyone wants to work at the impotency clinic?
It's a soft job.
826-
A tip for the men: Before you play with yourself, sit on your hand until it becomes numb. That way, it's like someone else is giving you a hand job, but it's cheaper than paying for dinner and a movie.
827-
There's nothing I hate worse than having really nasty sex with an anonymous guy in a public
toilet, and then not only does he not want to give you his name afterward, he leaves the toilet seat up.
828-
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders? A scrotum pole!
829-
The best part of being an older biker babe is that you don't have to pull your shirt up quite so far to show your tits.
830-
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! Why the penis on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...and cold, too!"
831-
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Chanukah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
832-
I used to have a job at the zoo circumcising elephants.
The wages were crap but the tips were massive.
833-
How do you say goodbye to 1000 Sri Lankans at a beach party?
Give them a big wave.
834-
“What do you mean - premature ejaculation? Don’t you know how valuable my time is?
835-
Ellen MacArthur has been overtaken on her around the world voyage and has little chance of catching up her challenger....................................
The Sri Lankan on a deck chair was last seen somewhere off New Zealand
836-
What's the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? Who's bed??? Who the hell are you???
837-
A few years ago I went to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that enough Germans would speak English so that I could at least get around. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I just nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.
When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.
"No," I confessed.
"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."
838-
An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and asked the waitress what the special was. "Roast and rice," the Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue.
"You certainly do roll your R's," the businessman observed.
"I suppose," she giggled, beginning to blush, "but only when I wear high heels."
839-
In Germany, paramedics rescued this 40 year-old man who got his manhood stuck in the vacuum cleaner.
The man told authorities his relationship with his vacuum cleaner was purely sexual - he didn't want any attachments.
840-
A farmer rings up the vet and says "two of me chickens have stopped laying'"
The vet says "really, how do you know?"
The farmer says "I just ran over the bastards in me tractor."
841-
A young man was out on a date with a rather flat-chested girl. The evening ended on the sofa in her apartment. The boy put his arm around her and made a few preliminary passes.
The girl stiffened indignantly. "Here, here!" she exclaimed.
"Where, where?" he replied.
842-
A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal, whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief, "Phew, just made it."
The guy next to him looks over and says, "Impressive, can you make me one too?"
843-
The lady walks in a fish market and asks the owner "How much are your crabs?"
The owner scratched his head and said "They're about $1.00 a piece"
"My, my..." beamed the woman. "Shake hands with a millionaire!"
844-
A teenage girl walked into a bank with several glass jars filled with quarters. After running them through the automated counting machine, the teller announced,
"That came out to $793.75. Tell me, young lady, how long have you been hoarding all those quarters?"
"All year," replied the girl, "but my sister whored half of them."
845-
Just as he was leaving for work, the man's wife told him that there was a leak in the plumbing. He told her to call a plumber and have it fixed. When he got to work, he gave her a call and asked, "Has the plumber come yet?" She replied, "Not quite, but I have him breathing hard."
846-
Q: Why was the two-piece bikini invented?
A: To separate the meat section from the dairy section.
847-
When the man asked his widower father why he'd married a young nymphomaniac whom he could never satisfy instead of a woman his own age, the old man said,
"Son, I'd rather have ten percent of a good business than a hundred percent interest in a bankrupt one.
848-
Q - What is E.T short for?
A - Because he has little legs.
849-
Q. What do you call a red condom?
A. Little Red Riding Hood
850-
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!
851-
What's 200 yards long and eats cabbage?
A meat queue in Moscow.
852-
What did the call girl say when the john asked if she was free tonight?
"No. but I am reasonable"
853-
1. Go to MSN Maps &
Directions(http://mappoint.msn.com/DirectionsFind.aspx)
2. In the Start section, select "Norway" from the listbox and enter "Haugesund" into the City field
3. In the End section, select "Norway" from the listbox and enter "Trondheim" into the City field
4. Click on "Get Directions"
5. Laugh very hard at the result.
854-
What did the Marquis de Sade's wife say when asked why she was divorcing her husband?
Beats me
855-
A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword
(Some real groaners here!)
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It ain't yours and it ain't mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
856-
I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in 2001. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store," and that was it.
There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair. I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"
He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."
I said, "What do you hunt?"
He said, "Somethin' to fuck."
857-
A girl was telling her date about her old boyfriend, and while doing so was stroking her beer bottle up and down many times. Finally her date has had enough and says, "You're always thinking about him. Why don't you think about me once in a while?" "OK!" she says and starts stroking the top two inches of her bottle.
858-
* Sex Manual For Computer Experts
1. Be user friendly.
2. Take bytes.
3. Fondle joystick.
4. Spread sheet.
5. Fix surge protector.
6. Activate hardware.
7. Insert disc, all the way.
8. Do it until megabytes.
9. Back it up.
10 Eject floppy.
859-
When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy.
When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him.
But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped.
860-
The blonde teen-age girl had long been infatuated with a popular local disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open house.
When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants.
"I suppose you know what this is?" he whispered.
"I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth, "I'd like to say hello to Ricky, Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at Danny's Pizzeria."
861-
Q. What Do You Call A Woman Who Puts Her Diaphragm In Crooked?
A. Mother
862-
A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model." The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?" "No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night."
863-
FOR THE WOMEN WARNING!
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your tits, DO NOT show him your tits. This is a scam. He is only trying to see your tits.
864-
I went into the chemist's to buy some condoms the other day.
"Ten packets of condoms please, Miss", I said to the sniffy young lady behind the counter.
"Don't you 'Miss' me," she hissed.
"Well, make that eleven", I said.
865-
I went to another chemist's and asked for 144 condoms.
"Why a 144?", asked the assistant.
"I want to commit a gross indecency."
866-
The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said, "Just how much is that watch?"
"It's $2000, ma'am."
"Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?"
"Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?"
"I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."
867-
Buggery is boring. Incest is relatively boring, necrophilia is dead boring.
868-
A clip from "The Tonight Show" outtakes (censored) shows Johnny Carson introducing sex symbol actress Raquel Welch in the mid-70's. She was appearing to promote a new film.
When Johnny introduced her, she came on stage dressed in her usual provocative fashion... but was also carrying a rather large house cat. Judging by Johnny's look, the cat wasn't part of the rehearsal.
After much audience jubilance, Raquel took her seat next to Johnny with her cat resting on her lap. The first words out of her grinning mouth were, "Johnny, would you like to pet my pussy?"
Without missing a beat, Johnny replied, "I'd love to, but your cat's in the way."
869-
Did you know both women and vacuum cleaners both suffer from Dyson's disease as they get older.
They start whining, making an awful noise and won't suck anymore!
870-
Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them then she isn't good enough for you.
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