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Miscellaneous Long 3

261-
A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in their order of appearance:
1. A woman
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.
The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem."
"You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil." "The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them."
"Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if they had a famine hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food."
"The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically and the president smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, while you've been 'reading' and 'interpreting' these inscriptions from left to right, everyone knows that the Hebrews would have written from right to left. Now, look again.
It says, 'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that babe!'"

262-
Big Jock met a gorgeous blonde at a bar one night.
Well, as always, he performed as well as one would expect of an athlete in his condition. 
After it was all said and done, the blonde whose name was Jeannie said, "I am truly a Genie and you have satisfied me like no other. And for that I would like to grant you three wishes." 
Big Jock couldn't believe his luck. He then said, "Well for my 1st wish, I would like to become the most famous Quarterback in history. For my 2nd wish, I'd like to be the most famous Goalie in history. And for my final wish, I would like to be History's most famous Pitcher." 
Jeannie then said, "Well Big Boy, that's quite an order but I can do it. It'll take me a year or so, but all your wishes will come true." 
In January, Big Jock was the 1st Quarterback to throw 11 consecutive touchdown passes leading his team to the biggest
score and Super Bowl win in History. 
In May, Jock was the 1st Goalie to post 15 consecutive shutouts on his team's way to winning the Stanley Cup. 
The following October, his 3rd wish came true. Jock found himself turned into the Mona Lisa.

263-
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: "Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part." The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter: "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple." 

264-
A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.". "Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep. 
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." 
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for that!" 
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers". 

265-
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the director is steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cries. "You have ruined me!"
The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screams the director. "You forgot the rose!" 

266-
A bus pulls up outside the church just as the congregation is coming out on Sunday morning. A little old lady walks to the bus looking very sweet in her lovely white dress with pink trimmings, a lovely little white and pink bonnet with a small veil and her lovely white gloves. She is carrying a little white bible.
She gets on the bus and walks down to the back seat. She has not bought a ticket.
The driver calls out, "someone has forgotten to get a ticket"
The little old lady is looking around and smiling sweetly at everyone.
The driver calls out again that someone on the bus has not bought a ticket and still the little old lady continues to smile sweetly at the other passengers.
By this time the driver is beginning to get a bit uptight and calls out, "someone on this bus has not got a ticket and I am not going to move this bus until that person comes up here and buys a ticket"
Hearing this a young lady turns to the old lady and says "I think he means you love" 
The old lady looks at her and says "Ah! fuck him"

267-
Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor fucking 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show. 
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send his email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy Bunny in the magazine! What a bunch of fucking bullshit. 
So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Caeser in 5 A. D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. 
Fuck them! 
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly fucking amusing. I've seen all the 'send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a Nickel from some omniscient being forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. 

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS: 
Chain Letter Type 1: 

Scroll down 

Make a wish!!! 

Keep Scrolling 

No, really, go on and make one!!! 

Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!! 

Not that, you pervert!! 

STOP!!!! 

Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish 
Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. 
It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes: 
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 
*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life. 
*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!! 

Chain Letter Type 2 
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. 
Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. 
Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. 
Thanks again!! 

Chain Letter Type 3 
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. 
So this is how it works... Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like: 
*Bizarre Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!! 
*Bizarre Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. 
This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay. 

Chain Letter Type 4 
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to all your friends. 
FRIENDS: 
A friend is someone who is always at your side. 
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you've been eating catfood. 
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes. 
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself. 
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life. 
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs. 
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English... no, sorry that's the cleaning lady. 
A friend is NOT someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true. 
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again! 

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right? 

Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you'll find all your knickers missing tomorrow morning!

268-
Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you forward them, that some poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter. Morons, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalogue! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the idiots out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Aristotle and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends," and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. I don't give a SHIT. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. P.S. Please forward THIS and an extended middle finger to at least 50 of your best friends.

269-
I want to thank all of you! 
To all my friends and family, Thank you for making me safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy by sending me your darned chain letters over the last year. 
Because of your concern: 
* I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. 
* I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. 
* I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine. 
* I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. 
* I no longer go to movies because I could sit on a needle infected with AIDS. 
* I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. 
* I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day. 
* I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me. 
* I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise. 
* I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops. 
* I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. 
* I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay. 
* I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. 
* I no longer look at the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. 
* I no longer have a cell phone -- but that will change once I receive my new Ericcson phone.. 
* I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. 
* I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. 
* I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. 
* I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl about to die in the hospital for the 1,000,000,000th time. 
* I no longer have any money but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me since I participated in their special e-mail program. I want to thank all of you soooooooo much!! for looking out for me! 
Now if you DON'T send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds a large bird with diarrhoea will crap on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon. 

270-
A married couple in their early sixties were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny, beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic wand and - abracadabra - two tickets for a new luxury liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me!" Well, the wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed but a wish is a wish ... so the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and - abracadabra - the husband became 92 years old.
Men might be ungrateful idiots .... but fairies are always female! 

271-
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress.. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink." *POOF* The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams. *POOF* The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" 
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." *POOF* And he turned into a tampon. 
If your government ever offers you anything, you should just know that there's going to be a string attached. 

272-
This big ole' trucker is driving through Dallas one night and decides to stop at this bar that a buddy of his had told him about. He parks his rig and goes inside. He walks up to the bartender says in this dumb-hick voice, "Big Moe wantsa get fucked."
The bartender looks at him and tells him it'll cost him 10 bucks.
Big Moe drops a ten-dollar-bill on the bar.
The bartender tells him to go across the street to the hotel and knock on room 14 he'll get want he wants there.
So Big Moe goes over to the hotel and knocks on door number 14. This HUGE James Earl Jones type voice barrels from inside, "What the HELL to you want?"
"Big Moe wantsa get fucked," our friend answers.
"Well," the voice replies. "Slip 20 dollars under the door."
So Big Moe slips the cash under the door.
He's waitin for awhile and nothin happens. A few minutes later he decides to knock again.
The big voice asks again, "What the Hell do you want?"
"Big Moe wantsa get fucked," he answers.
The man on the other side shouted through the door, "What Again!"

273-
Jeremiah had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink.
So when Jeremiah's 21st came around, he and his pal Dwight took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Jeremiah stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Dwight managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Jeremiah went to see his grandmother. 
"Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Jeremiah's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January; you were born in July.

274-
Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began? California? Oregon? Switzerland? Most believe it originated in Switzerland, but here's the real version.
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That's some fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO."

275-
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant." The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?" Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

276-
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!!
You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Jill

277-
An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm with a nice pond in the back 40 acres. It was fixed up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made some noise so the women would be aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him: "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned: "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond." Holding the bucket up he said: "I'm just here to feed the alligator." 
Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time! 

278-
We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! 
She said it was midwinter ... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. 
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. 
All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. 
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show ... she took the prize hands down ... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment - - - - This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off."

279-
The Sex Fairy 
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth. 
2 Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow. 
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner. 
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers! 
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well being. 
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy! 
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM. 
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up. 
9. Sex actually relieves headaches A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain. 
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever. 
This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in Palaiseau. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't ! send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price. Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days. Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true, even if you are not superstitious. 

280-
A young farm-girl answers the door and sees an older neighbour standing there.
"My paw ain't home," the young girl says, "but I know what you want and I am sure I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my paw charges one hundred and fifty dollars fer his best bull."
"That's not I want," growled the neighbour
"We also have a young bull who is just starting out. My paw charges one hundred dollars fer him," she replies.
"That's not I want either," growls the neighbour.
"Well then, we have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do the job. My paw charges only fifty dollars fer him." she informs him.
"That's not what I want at all. I came here to see your pa about that-there brother o' your'n. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant," the neighbour hisses.
"Oh. I guess you'll have to see my paw about that then, 'coz I don't know what he charges fer Elmer."

281-
After a large curry dinner the couple decide to walk it off and start walking home. Half way there he says he is busting to go to the toilet and will not make it home.
"Look!" she says, "Hop over this fence and go in those shrubs, there's nobody about"
Over the fence he goes and drops the biggest dump you can imagine. He turns around to bury it and there is nothing there. He can't believe his eyes. Back he goes to his wife and tells her and she say's "Don't worry about it, you're just imagining it, you must have had a bit too much to drink."
It worries him all the way home and he thinks about it all night. He gets up early the next morning and decides to walk to work so that he can check the garden on the way. He is looking over the fence when the owner of the property comes out.
"Can I help you mate.?" He says
No I'm just admiring your garden"
"Oh! carry on, for a minute there I thought you may have been the bastard that shit on my tortoise last night" 

282-
Three Canadians and three Americans were traveling to a hockey game.
The three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket. "How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket?", asks an American.
"Watch and you'll see," says a Canadian. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please!" The door opens a crack, a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.
So after the game they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed American.
"Watch and you'll see," replies a Canadian.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby.
Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the other bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please!"

283-
There were three guys hitchhiking along the roads of a plain, boring field because their car overheated from the long drive. Exhausted, hungry, and thirsty from the long walk, they were desperately willing to stay over anywhere. Fortunately, they saw about a mile ahead of them a cow ranch, filled with hundreds of cows. They decided to stay there for the night. So they looked for the main office to ask the ranch owner if they could stay for the night. However, the ranch owner left for the day and no one was there. Too tired from their journey, they decided rather to sleep with the cows than walk forever. They each slept under a cow. One guy said, "I'm hungry and thirsty, what will we eat and drink?" Another guy suggested to drink the milk from the cow since they were lying beneath the milk sac. So they began to suck and drink. The first guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full." The second guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full." The third guy said, "My cow's milk doesn't taste quite right." The first and second guy then said to the third guy, "Well, try another nipple, that one probably has no more milk." The third guy in a confused state exclaimed, "But how come my cow has only one, long, nipple!?"

284-
A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!" 
The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS." 
Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!" After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!" 
Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!" A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. 
Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now"? 
The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."

285-
The plan is simple. You will use Norton Systemworks (a $300 value for only $38.95) to purchase 37 million shares of toner corp stock. Then you will meet me at the world's smallest digital camera with $30,000 in coral calcium. Warning: do not take any human growth hormone or you will not qualify for your free gift. Once you reconnect with your high-school friends, your free credit report will be sent. With this report, you can build your own online casino. Once inside the casino, you will subscribe to Kara's free fan club, where you will be entered in a drawing to protect your immune system. Do not fail to do this, or I will reduce the size of your penis by three inches! Kara's web site will pop up 6,000 pages, all of which you will have to close by clicking them. For each one you click, two more will appear. After you complete your online degree (in 8 months or less), I will send you a hot amateur mp3 that will consolidate your debt using online auctions. Not even CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, or OPRAH will know our secret! 
Now you will be ready to receive the pills. You will use the auction site to fire your boss and claim your portable dvd player from the secret anti-wrinkle agent. Next, boost your cellular reception and drive our teeny Lolitas wild with human pheromones made from pre-owned inkjet cartridges. You will trade the pheromones for a single George Foreman grill filled with a free thirty-day supply, which will enlarge your package even further. The herbal ingredients in this package will increase your revenue projections by 3" and clean the inner walls of your intestines. Remember, this is not a sleep remedy, this amazing product targets the bacteria that actually cause snoring! 
Our psychics are standing by to take your order. Give them your credit card number and wait for the beep. You will be given the ultimate scientific breakthrough and a free credit check. Deposit this check in a pre-approved account, and you will take home 40% of the pills. 
This is a very simple transaction. The results are guaranteed. This is a completely secure investment. I hope you will help me and my family as we are in desperate need. Please reply asap. 
Sincerely, 
Son of Spam 
p. s., if you want to be removed from this mailing list, simply go to www. unsubscribe. com.

286-
A British anthropologist was doing research in an isolated African village, and the tribal chief asked if he would like to attend a legal trial his people were conducting that afternoon.
"You'll be surprised," said the chief, "at how well we've copied your country's legal procedures. You see, we have read accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system."
When the Brit arrived at the wooden constructed courthouse, he was truly amazed to see how closely the African court officials resembled those of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language.
But he couldn't help being puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically.
After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked, "What was the purpose of having a semi-nude woman run through the courtroom during the trial?"
"I really don't know," confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts we read in your papers about British trials, there was invariably mentioned something about 'an excited titter' running through the gallery."

287-
A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up fucking everybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose. One day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. So he decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother, "Mum, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!!"
Mother said, "Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband-to-be. Here's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won't even notice it." So the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice.
This went on for a few months. Now, every time the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!"
Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, "Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it! What should I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared, mum."
Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!"

288-
Why God invented Menopause
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." 
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" 
"No, not yet," said the mother. 
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" 
"No, not yet," replied the mother. 
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN IT CRIES!" she told them. 
"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"
"BECAUSE......... I forgot where I put it... 

289-
The 1st Kamikaze pilot is called in to the General's office, and the news is broken to him:
General: You have been chosen to be the 1st Kamikaze pilot in the war. 
Pilot: Yes Sir! 
General: Your job is to pick out our fastest plane. 
Pilot: Yes Sir! 
General: You will fly plane toward American fleet. 
Pilot: Yes Sir! 
General: You will take plane to altitude of 30,000 feet. 
Pilot: Yes Sir! 
General: You will take plane into tailspin toward American battleship, fly down tubes of American battleship, and blow to bits for the glory of Japan. 
Pilot: Yes Sir! 
General: You got any questions? 
Pilot: One Question, Sir. 
General: Question granted. 
Pilot: Are you out of your fucking mind!!!!!

290-
Gentlemen: I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you. 
You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don't understand why it wasn't. 
Well, I will enlighten you. 
In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit. 
In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit. 
In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death.
In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine. 
In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw, and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one). 
In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left me with the three small children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to keep down expenses, but I had trouble getting her off, and the doctor told me to try to create some excitement just as she was beginning to get aroused. That night I pointed the shotgun out the window while we were in bed and just as she was beginning to orgasm I pulled the trigger. Well, she shit the bed, I ruptured myself and killed the best damn milk cow I ever had. 
The next year my troubles really started. My wife caught the clap from the ice man, my son wiped his ass with a corn cob with poison ivy on it, and someone de-nutted my best bull. 
In 1970 I decided to go into another business on my own. I ordered six bee hives from Sears, Roebuck, and Company. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on credit on the instalment plan. The queen bee died and I ordered another one. She turned out to be a whore and started running around with a horsefly. The honey tasted like shit so I couldn't sell it. 
So now, gentlemen, you say if I do not pay you, you will cause me trouble. 
Right now if it costs two cents to shit, I'd have to puke. 
Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot trowel, but you are welcome to try. 
Yours for more credit, Max

291-
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY INC.
6969 SLIPPERY ROOT DRIVE DROPTROUSER, NC 22269

Dear Sir;
We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, Trojan Condoms.
Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic image of our product. A loose, baggy and wrinkled condom is not considered romantic.
We did admire your efforts to firm up by using poly-grip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip.
We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we decide there is a market for micro-mini condoms.
We send greetings to your wife and/or girlfriend and our deepest sympathy.

YOURS VERY TRULY,

Burly Dick: President TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY INC.
ps Remember our slogans: cover your stump before you hump - don't be silly, protect your Willie - never deck her with an unwrapped pecker - before you attack her, wrap your wacker - if you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

292-
Dear Marty, 
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? 
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. 
I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park, too. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. 
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter. 
Sincerely, Your future father-in-law. 
P. S. Congratulations on winning the lottery! 

293-
An American Indian Chief calls his three sons into his tepee. He announces that he has decided on names for them all as they are all coming of age and have passed the required tests. The Chief sits his sons down with the elders of the tribe and passes the peace pipe around.
'Son number one - you shall be known as......'
Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what will I be called?'
The chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.'
The chief continues, 'Son number one - you shall be known as Eagle'
Son number one asks why.
'As you will be strong and precise in battle - fearing no others - the elders agree.'
The peace pipe is passed to son number two.
Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what will I be called?'
Chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.'
The chief continues, 'Son number Two - you shall be known as Swallow.'
Son number two asks why.
Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what will I be called?'
The chief replies, 'I will come to in turn my son.'
The chief continues talking to son number two. 'Because you will be swift and silent - surprising your enemy in battle - the elders agree.'
The chief turns to the third son. 'Son number Three
- you shall be known as Thrush.'
Son number three asks, 'Why Thrush?'
'Because my son you are an irritating cunt - the elders agree'.

294-
A young man in the military was stationed in Germany. One day, on a weekend pass he went to a bazaar and found an old woman selling quilts. The young man approached her booth and picked up a quilt. He then turned to the woman and asked "How much?"
The woman replied, "$25 dollars American, but I must warn you, the quilt was made by a gypsy and has magic woven into it."
Paying the woman no mind, he paid for the quilt, and returned to base.
That night he slept under the quilt and dreamt that he was extremely wealthy. The next morning mail call had a surprise letter for him. His wife had played the lottery and won $65 million dollars.
The next night he slept under the quilt and dreamt that he had sex with a beautiful woman that he had seen on the base. The next day, the base doctor (the woman in question) brings him to her office and has sex with him on the exam table.
Excitedly, the next night, the man hurried to bed and dreamt that his penis reached his ankles. To his horror, he awoke to find his legs had shrunk to four inches long.

295-
A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future.
One day, he made three predictions: "One year from today, I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my father will die."
Sure enough, a year later the young boy died.
The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with a million dollars in life insurance. A year later she died.
The father collected the million dollar insurance benefit, and, figuring he only had a year before his own death, went on a 364-day binge. Fast cars! Faster women! Exotic vacations! Flings with supermodels!
His timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew the last penny on a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic dancer with a taste for overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie!!!
At midnight, he toasted himself, "What a way to go," and slipped off into what he assumed would be his *big* sleep.
To his amazement, he woke up the next morning... He thought he had cheated death! He was invincible!
But then the exotic dancer with whom he'd spent the night broke the news... "Honey, better come quick, the pool boy's dead."

296-
A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and put down maximum liberty.
The skeleton crew didn't notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes and up to the smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the engine room. It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance, couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright blue blast shorted out the ship's electrical system, and plunged the ship into darkness.
A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians wander down with their flashlights, looking for the problem. They come upon the blackened body of the chimp. They shine their flashlights on its long, burnt arms. They look at each other.
They highlight its short legs and odd feet. 
They look at each other.
Finally one says, "Well, it's too hairy to be an Electrician, the legs are too short for a Hull Tech, and there would be more tattoos on a Bo'sun. Call the wardroom, see if one of the duty officers is missing."

297-
A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn't reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man's thumb. He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminutive size didn't affect Walter's work too much. Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship. His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter's size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process. The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed. As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air had cleared..... the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before. "What's the big idea? Eek!" One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the floor and squashed him flat with her shoe. Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined. This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows: 
You can lead the whores to Walter, but you can't make 'em shrink

298-
There once was a King and Queen who ruled a kingdom by the sea. One day the King's brother, who ruled a kingdom in the mountains, took ill and needed help ruling his land.
The first king volunteered to help and explained to the queen that his brother's illness may last many months. They would see one another each weekend. Every other weekend the king would journey, on horseback, down from the mountains. On alternating weekends the queen would journey, up from the seaside, the same way.
"There is one very important thing to remember" said the king. "Halfway between the two lands is a bridge which crosses a deep ravine. The bridge is guarded by a magic troll, who lives under the bridge as most trolls are apt to do. He will ask you to pay a toll, a four leaf clover, so you must promise me you will always remember to bring one with you."
"I will" she replied thinking that would be easy since all castles in those days were surrounded by fields of four leaf clovers, for good luck.
So the time comes for the queen to make her first journey. She picks the clover, puts it in the pocket of her dress and off she goes. After a while she comes to the bridge and out crawls an ugly little troll. "He certainly doesn't look very magical" she thinks to herself.
The troll begins to speak. "I am the troll who lives under the bridge and YOU must pay a toll ... a four leaf clover if you please ... or bend over on your knees."
And with that he dropped his pants revealing the biggest, thickest cock the queen had ever seen. He then thrust his hips back and forth three or four times to show exactly what he intended do with his massive, 13 inch prick.
The queen, all flustered and embarrassed, quickly gave him the clover and hurried on her way.
This went on for many months. The queen grew used to seeing the trolls equipment and even began fantasizing about how it would be to let the troll screw her. After all, the king was just of an average size and he was all she had ever been with. It got to the point where her panties would get damp at the thought of making the journey across the bridge.
One fateful day, as she approached the bridge, she thought "What the hell, you only live once" and threw her clover away.
When she reached the bridge the troll was waiting. "I am the troll who lives under the bridge and YOU must pay a toll ... a four leaf clover if you please ... or bend over on your knees."
"My god" said the queen looking in the pocket of her dress, "I seem to have lost my four leaf clover. It looks like I will have to take the second choice today."
So the troll helps the queen off her horse and leads her down under the bridge where there is a beautiful bed of flowers. She lifts her dress, slips off her silky royal panties, bends over and gets down on her knees on the flowers. As soon as he enters her soaking wet pussy she realizes why he is called a "magic troll".
The troll screws the queen like she has never been screwed before in all her life. Echoes of the queens moans and gasps of pleasure bounce off the ravine walls for the next couple of hours.
When they are finally done they lay exhausted in the flowers.
"I have to admit ..." said the queen, "I'm kind of glad I lost my clover."
"Oh, I hear that one all the time" replies the troll.
"Do many ladies come by here who have lost their clover" says the queen coyly.
"Oh no" replies the troll ...
"But your husband, the King, loses his every single time..."

299-
John decided to visit his friend, Dave, who had just moved into a new high-rise apartment building. As he parked his car and got out, he heard a woman's voice say, "Hi, there, big boy." Looking up, he saw a gorgeous lady - dressed in a shear negligee, leaning over the railing. "Come on up and see me," she purred. John wasn't about to pass up an opportunity like that! He took the elevator to the fifth floor, and as he got off - an apartment door opened, and the sexy lady beckoned him toward her. John walked over to the open door. "I've been waiting for someone like you," the lady said as she slowly unzipped his pants. John's pecker rose swiftly to the occasion, and the lady took it into her hand. Then she gave it a sharp whack with the other hand! John jumped back in alarm. "What the hell did you do that for?" he cried. She answered, "That'll teach you to take my parking place!!"

300-
A German guy approaches a prostitute. "I vish to buy sex vit you".
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge €80 an hour". 
"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky".
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs". The girl finds This most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans und knees" She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She finds this odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.
The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say: "That was totally amazing, what do you call that?"
"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"

301-
The two old guys were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?

302-
A saleswoman was travelling along this Arkansas road when her car broke down near a farmhouse. She went to the farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could put her up for the night until her car was fixed.
"Sure," he said, "but you have to sleep with my son because we only have two bedrooms. By the way, he suffers from tight skin."
She asked if it was contagious and he said no, so they went to sleep.
When she woke up in the morning the bed was full of dung. She screamed.
The farmer came running into the room and asked what was wrong. "This bed is full of shit!" she yelled.
"I told you last night that he suffered from tight skin," said the farmer.
"What the hell is tight skin?" she asked.
The farmer said, "When he closes his eyes his ass hole opens up!"

303-
A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says, "Are you Joe Smith?"
The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith."
He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?"
The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June."
"Did you stay at the Hyatt?"
The guy looks through his notebook again and says, "Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt."
"Were you in room 1368?"
The fellow checks his notebook and says, "Yes, I was in room 1368."
The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in room 1369?"
The fellow looks in his book again and says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in 1369."
The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with Mrs. Wentworth?"
The fellow scans his notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs. Wentworth."
The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like it!"
Again the fellow looks in his notebook and says, "You know what? Neither did I!"

304-
The elderly man entered the car agency together with his young wife. The owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait upon them himself. He could not help staring at the lady, which, of course, the elderly man noticed.
"May I propose a wager," he said. "If you can do everything to my wife that I can do and still end up the same way as I do, I will pay you double for the car.
But if you cannot, you will give it to me for free!"
"OK, agreed!"
The elderly man gave his wife a passionate kiss and the agency owner did the same.
Then the man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed her breasts. So did the agency owner.
Then the husband opened his fly, pulled out his pecker and bent it in half.
"What colour car do you want?" asked the agency owner

305-
Bill walks into a bar and sees Bob sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Bill says "Bob, what are you so happy for?" "Well Bill, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Bill, tits out to here! She says 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bill. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Bill, she couldn't swim!!" The next day Bill walks into the bar and sees Bob sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Bill says "What are you so happy about today Bob?" "Well Bill... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Bill, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bill, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Bill, she couldn't swim!!!!" A couple days pass and Bill walks into the bar and sees Bob down there cryin over a beer. Bill says "Bob, what are you so sad for?" "Well Bill, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Bill, tits WAY out to here. She says 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bill, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. She pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Bill !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! And Bill, I CAN'T SWIM,... I CAN'T SWIM !!!"

306-
It is with saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart "cookie," wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

307-
After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers home-coming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Pekka on the street. "Excuse me," she said "but were you in the war?" "Yah, I was in the infantry." "Would you mind to answer a few questions for a newspaper article?" "No, I wouldn't mind at all." "When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?" "I fucked me wife." Pekka said bluntly. The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the subject. "After that. I mean, what did you do after that?" "I fucked her again." he answered. If possible the journalist turned even more red, and got even more desperate to change the subject. "Other than that! Uh -what did you do when you was finished with all that?!" "Then I un-strapped my skis and my heavy backpack."

308-
A miner comes into a new town after being in the field for a month. He's carrying a sack of gold. The first thing he does is head to the local saloon.
As he approaches the bar he flips the sack of gold on the bar and says "Hey barkeep give everybody in the place a drink, I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send up a steak dinner and the prettiest girl in town. Take out a few bucks for your troubles."
The bartender hollers out, "Sorry mac there aren't any women in town. All we got is a Chinaman."
The gold miner without missing a step up the stairs, answers, "Never mind I don't go for that shit."
The next day the miner is off to the fields and doesn't return for 6 weeks. When he returns he has a sack of gold about twice the size as the original one.
Again he heads for the saloon and states, "Hey barkeep give everybody whatever they want to drink & eat for the rest of the night. I'm going up to my room & take a shower. Send up some food and a couple of the best women in town. Take out some gold for your troubles."
The bartender again bellows out, "Sorry partner we still have no women in town. The stagecoach that was bring them in had problems. All we got is that Chinaman."
This time the miner stops about halfway up the stairs, pauses a few seconds & says, "Never mind I don't go for that shit".
The next morning the miner is once again headed to the gold fields. This time He's gone for another month & when he returns he has 2 sacks of gold both larger than the previous one.
First stop has him back at the saloon. He enters throws one of the bags on the bar & says "Hey barkeep drinks are on me till that bag is gone, keep some for yourself. I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send me up the best steak in the house and two of the prettiest women in town."
Again the bartender says, "Sorry mac the women never did get here. The only thing we got is the Chinaman."
This time the miner spends at least a minute on the stairs and finally says, "OK send the Chinaman up."
The bartender replies, "That will be $600.00 in advance."
The miner turns around in disbelief and screams, "WHAT!? $600.00 for a Chinaman?"
The bartender replies, "No Sir, The $600.00 is for the three guys that are going to hold the Chinaman down. He don't go for that shit either."

309-
Californian Driving Licence Application Form
Name: ____________________ Stage name: __________________________
Agent's Name: __________________________ Attorney's Name: _______________________ 

Actual Age: _____ Admitted Age: _____ 

Sex: [ ] male [ ] female [ ] formerly male [ ] formerly female [ ] both [ ] neither 

If female, indicate breast implant size: _______ 

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes [ ] No [ ] 

Occupation: 

[ ] Lawyer [ ] Actor/Waiter [ ] Film-maker/Self-employed [ ] Writer [ ] Car Dealer [ ] Pan-handler [ ] Agent [ ] Hooker/Transvestite [ ] Other; please explain: ___________________________ 

Please list brand of cell phone: ________________________ 
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.) 

Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] 
Skin-head Men: Please list shade of hair plugs ________________ 

Please indicate if you have Automobile Insurance: [ ] Yes [ ] No If Yes, please explain: 

Please check activities you perform while driving (Check all that apply): 

[ ] Eating a wrap [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Slapping kids in the back seat [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application) [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety [ ] Surfing the net via laptop [ ] Reading a book or other Newspaper 

Please indicate how many times: a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, _____ b) and how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ___. 

If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately: a) [ ] Call the police to report the crime; b) [ ] Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your TV; c) [ ] Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through; d) [ ] Call your therapist; e) [ ] None of the above (South Central residents only). 

Please indicate if you drive: a) [ ] a BMW, b) [ ] a Lexus, c) [ ] a Mercedes, d) [ ] a Cabriolet. If your answer is d, please add 6 to 8 weeks to normal delivery time for your driver's license. 

In the event of an earthquake, should you: a) [ ] stop your car b) [ ] keep driving and hope for the best, c) [ ] immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones d) [ ] pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel? 

In the instance of rain, you should: a) [ ] never drive over 5 MPH, b) [ ] drive twice as fast as usual, or c) [ ] you're not sure what "rain" is. 

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____. 

Are you presently taking any of the following medications? 
(Check all that apply.) a) [ ] Prozac; b) [ ] Zovirax; c) [ ] Lithium; d) [ ] Zanax. 

If none, please explain: __________________. 

Length of daily commute: a) [ ] 1 hour; b) [ ] 2 hours; c) [ ] 3 hours; d) [ ] 4 hours or more. If under 1 hour, please explain: 

When stopped by police, should you a) [ ] pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready, b) [ ] try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405, c) [ ] have video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit? 

310-
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it out of the oven, the centre had dropped flat. 
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the centre of the cake. 
Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing.. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. 
Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home. 
When the daughter arrived at the sale the attractive cake had already been sold. Alice was beside herself. 
A couple of days later, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. 
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!" 
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (a prominent church member) say : "Thank you; I baked it myself." 

311-
A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious. Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond. Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse, and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.
The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"
"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons!

312-
Two lifeguards are working together on a beach when one of them notices sharks circling a woman who has drifted out a little too far. He gets up to race to her rescue but the other lifeguard grabs his arm and stops him. The first lifeguard says: "Why are you holding me back? We have to save that woman." The other replies: "Don't worry. That woman is my mother-in-law." First lifeguard: "Are you trying to kill her?" Second lifeguard: "Although the idea may be tempting, that is not my intent: Just watch." With that the sharks organise themselves beneath the woman and ride her on their backs all the way to shore, where they deposit her safely on the sand. "What made you think that would happen?" asks the first lifeguard. "Professional courtesy," replied the second lifeguard. 

313-
A woman was leaving a shop when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean-looking dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking in single file. The woman shopper gave in to her curiosity. She approached the woman walking the dog and said: “I am so sorry for your loss, but I've never seen a funeral procession like this. Whose funeral is it?” The woman replied: “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.” Shopper: “What happened to him?” The woman: “My dog attacked and killed him.” Shopper: “Well, who is in the second hearse?” The woman: “My mother-in- law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.” A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. Shopper: “Can I borrow the dog?” The woman: “OK, but get in line!” 

314-
Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby.
"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.
"And why not?" asked Stan.
"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?"
Stan said nothing.
His brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."
Stan couldn't take it anymore and asked his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?"
"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honour."
"Well congratulations, you're holding him."

315-
A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover.
As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus.
What a relief!
Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 16-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these!"
She replied, "You're right, Daddy, I have. It's just that I've never seen one being reloaded!!

316-
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars?" 
Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away. 
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks again. 
"Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" 
So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?" 
She thinks about it for a while and Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? "Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." 
So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them.... but not biting. 
In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks, "Are you gonna bite them or what?" 
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much"

317-
After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist.
"He's never in the mood," complained the Bride.
"Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist.
The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained.
"This time," the therapist recommended, "Try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom."
But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood. As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance."
The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time."
"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist.
"Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."

318-
Roy Rogers and Trigger wended their way home after a most satisfying day at work tending the boundary fences on Roy's large spread. About a mile from the homestead Roy noticed a cloud of dust rising from the trail that led from home to the main gate.
As he approached, he saw that it was a large squad of cavalry soldiers led by Major Ted. As he came up to the column of troops Major Ted called, "Whoa!" and addressed the famous cowboy.
"Good evening, Mr Rogers," he said.
"Good evening, Major," replied Roy Rogers.
"Are you' heading home, Sir?" asked the Major.
"I am indeed, yessir, I'm looking forward to a real meal."
"Just before you go, Mr Rogers, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you."
"Like what, Major?"
"Well, sir, the Indians have been on the rampage over at your homestead."
"My God! I'd better get over there right away!"
"Just a minute Roy, there's more. There's not much left of your house I'm afraid"
"That's terrible, I've got to get home to my family"
"Hold on Roy, there's more. I'm afraid they scalped your five children and appear to have raped the girls beforehand."
"Those savages!! I've got to get home to my wife, she must be beside herself with grief!"
"Sorry Roy, but there's more. They also raped your wife and mother before killing them. All the cattle are gone and they put an arrow through your dog Pal. Most of the house is burned to the ground and they put poison in your water supply."
"Oh my God! This is the worst day of my life! But still, I'd better get over there and see if there's anything at all I can do"
"Hold on, Roy - there's just one more thing . . ."
"Yes Major?"
"Before you go. How's about a little song for the boys?"

319-
First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics.
Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.
I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.
I don't know how I pulled through it.
It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

320-
DATELINE JUNE 2005 : TRAFALGAR 200 CELEBRATIONS...
"Today it is exactly 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, yesterday an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed on board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral's uniform. So how would Nelson have fared if he had been subject to modern health and safety regulations? We can only imagine..." 
"Order the signal to be sent, Hardy."
"Aye, aye sir."
"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
"Sorry sir?"
"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"
"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
"That won't be possible, sir."
"What?"
"Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
"Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
"What? This is mutiny."
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
"Actually, sir, we're not."
"We're not?"
"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary charge."
"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
"Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And now there's a ban on corporal punishment."
"What about sodomy?"
"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
"In that case... kiss me, Hardy." 

321-
Dear Abbey:
I am a crack dealer in Jefferson County who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Grubville and one of my sisters, who lives in High Ridge, is married to a transvestite. 
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Crystal City. 
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Fulton for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the St Louis City Jail on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. 
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Arnold and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits. 
All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. 
Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French? 
Signed, Worried About My Reputation 

322-
This woman decides to buy a new cupboard that you have to assemble yourself. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. Thinking that she must have done something wrong she rereads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses again. Now, fed up she calls customer service. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look. The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and get inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse.
At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it. Says the technician: "You may find this hard to believe, but I'm just standing here waiting for the next train."

323-
I'm Joe Friday, private eye. I work on Tuesday, Tuesday's my secretary. 
Yesterday I was working in my New York office when there was a knock at the door, scared me half out of my secretary.
I was sitting in my chair when a case came in. So I finished two bottles from it. I was tough, so tough I wore my clothes out from the inside.
Then a tall blonde walked by, I knew she was tall 'cause we were on the 7th floor. 
The phone rang and I knew something was wrong. I didn't have a phone. It was a client. I knew something was wrong because she told me there was. 
I raced down the stairs, called a taxi, the taxi stopped with a jerk, the jerk got out and I got in. 
We took the corner at 80 miles an hour. A cop stopped us and told us to put it back. 
Then we were driving on the sidewalk because there was a sign that said "keep death off the roads". We were getting further out of the city. I knew this because we weren't hitting so many pedestrians. 
When I got to my client's house she greeted me with a burning kiss. Then she took her cigarette out and kissed me again. 
She pointed two thirty-eights at me. She also had a gun. 
She had the most beautiful blonde hair I have ever seen - hanging from her left nostril. 
She had teeth like the ten commandments - all broken. 
She also had the most beautiful eyes - so beautiful that the one eye could not stop looking at the other one. 
There was a man on the floor. He had stab wounds in his heart, bullet wounds in his head and his wrists were slashed. He was dead.. I said: "Lady, if this man was alive, he sure would be ill". 
He was dead so we went for a drive in the country to calm her nerves. 
Then a brick came through the window, hit her on the left breast and broke four of my fingers. 
We got a flat tire. She pumped and I pumped, she pumped and I pumped. Then we got out and fixed the tire. 
When we got back to my client's house she invited me in for a root beer. The root was nice but the beer was flat. 
Then I as I was kissing her goodnight, her father opened the door and stepped on my back, almost breaking it. and she closed her legs and broke my glasses.

324-
There was a really cute princess walking through the woods, and she heard a voice calling, "Hey Really Cute Princess!"
She looked around and didn't see anyone but a frog. She started to walk on but the frog called again.
"Hey Really Cute Princess, if you take me home and let me sleep on your pillow, I will turn back into a Handsome Prince!"
It had been a very boring day so she decided to give it a try even though she really didn't believe the frog.
The Really Cute Princess took the frog home with her and let him sleep on her pillow. When she got up the next day what do you think she found?
There on her pillow sat a really Handsome Prince.
Do you believe the story?
Well neither did her mother!

325-
A pineapple plantation owner in Hawaii was having a problem with his trees.
He called in an agronomist to evaluate the situation. "Your problem can easily be solved if you cover the base of each tree with cat manure!" devised the agronomist.
With some difficulty and great expense the owner was able to secure enough cat manure for his trees. The trees produced a bumper crop of pineapples, with just a minor problem, they tasted a bit strange. With some concern, the owner called his distributor on the mainland as asked, "Harry, do you think you can sell pineapples that taste a little like pussy?"
"I'm not sure, Harry answered, but, if you can figure out a way to make pussy taste a little like pineapple, we'll make a fortune!"

326-
A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to ask her father. "I want to marry your daughter".
"Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter."
"I'll do anything for my love" says the young man.
"You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it."
A little puzzled the boy says, "OK, anything for my love".
On his return of doing his deed, he asks, "Now can I marry your daughter?"
"Nope." says the father, "See that goat over yonder? Well, Go screw it."
Again the boy obliges and returns saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?"
"Nope. Not yet -- one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it."
Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter.
So the father finally tells the boy, "Now you can marry my daughter." 
To which the boy replies, "SCREW YOUR DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THAT PIG?"

327-
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. 
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. 
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. 
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about" 
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is." 
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" 
The deaf replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park." 
The interpreter's eyes light up and says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

328-
Thor, the god of thunder, sat on Mt Olympus and suffering from the dreaded Hawaiian disease, known as "lackanookie." Looking down on the commoners, he sighted a gorgeous blonde named Sally. In a flash of lightning and a roar of thunder, Thor is in her bedroom, and without saying a word, starts a night of rampant lovemaking. Thor wake at dawn, and still without so much as a good-bye he departs, again in the lightning and thunder. Later setting on his throne, he looks down per see his conquest just awakening. He feels guilty for having not even offered a thank you, and amid much noise and light, he sets on her bedside and says: "I'm sorry I never said good-bye, but you see, I am Thor."
Sal smiles, moves her body carefully, and says: "You're thor, I am so thor I can hardly stand up.

329-
Two blokes bump into each other in the street. 
"Hello Harry, what a lovely surprise" 
"Hello Fred, gee, have'nt seen you since we got out of the army, what've you been up to?" 
"Well, as you know, I played drums in the army band and when I got out I met this lovely girl who plays the double bass, well we married and had a daughter who is an excellent pianist so we have our own little trio. Listen, Harry, come around one weekend and we'll give you a musical evening. Now, what have you been up to"
"Well as you know, I was the army's heavyweight champion and when I got out I met up with this woman wrestler, well we have a son who has got a black belt in karate. You must come around the weekend and we'll give you a bloody good hiding" 

330-
A gentleman was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only. The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket was above the man's head. Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance. Soon the picnic basket began to leak. The man felt something drop on top of his head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips. He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?" 
She replied, "No, no, puppies....."

331-
I shot a moose once. I was hunting in upstate New York, and I shot a moose. And I strap him to the fender of my car, and I’m driving along the West Side Highway. But what I didn’t realise was that the bullet did not penetrate the moose. It just creased his scalp, knocking him unconscious. And I’m driving through the Holland Tunnel and the moose wakes up. So I’m driving with the moose on my fender and the moose is signalling for a turn. And there’s a law in New York State against driving with a conscious moose on your fender on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. And I’m very panicky. Then it hits me: some friends of mine are having a costume party. I’ll go. I’ll take the moose. I’ll ditch him at the party. It won’t be my responsibility. So I drive up to the party and I knock on the door, and the moose is next to me. My host comes to the door and I say “Hello, you know the Solomons” We enter. The moose mingles. Did very well. Scored. Some guy was trying to sell him insurance for an hour and a half. Twelve o’clock comes, they give out prizes for the best costume of the night. First prize goes to the Berkowitzes, a married couple dressed as a moose. The moose comes in second. The moose is furious. He and the Berkowitzes lock antlers in the living room. They knock each other unconscious. Now, I figure, here’s my chance. I grab the moose, strap him onto my fender and shoot back to the woods. But I’ve got the Berkowitzes. So I’m driving along with two Jewish people on my fender. And there’s a strange law in New York State, on Tuesdays, Thursdays and especially Saturdays...The following morning the Berkowitzes wake up in the woods in the moose suit. Mr Berkowitz is shot, stuffed and mounted at the New York Athletic Club. And the joke is on them, because it’s restricted.

332-
A man walked into the Women's Department of Macys's in New York City. He told the saleswoman: "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B." With a quizzical look the saleslady asked: "What kind of bra?!" He repeated: "A Baptist bra - she said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist bra, and that you would know what she wanted." "Ah, now I remember" said the saleswoman, "we don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type." Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked: "So, what are the differences?" The woman responded: "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright." He mused on that information for a minute and asked: "So, what is the Baptist type for?" "They," she replied, "... make mountains out of molehills!" 

333-
A young couple are driving down the road on a cold and snowy winter night. As they are driving down the icy road, they spot a little skunk shivering on the edge of the road. The girl looks at the guy and says, "Stop! The poor little thing is freezing to death. Lets bring him into the car so he can warm up."
The guy looks at the girl with a sour look on his face and stops. He gets out of the car and walks back to pick up the little skunk. He gets the skunk and carries it back to the car. The girl sits there petting the little skunk while he warms up. After a few minutes, she looks at him and says, "The poor little thing is still shivering!".
The guy looks at her, and being disgusted with the whole idea of having a skunk in his car, he says, "Well, why don't you put him between your legs and warm him up that way". The girl looks at the skunk and then at her boyfriend and says, "But it stinks". The guy looks at her and says, ... "Well, then hold his little nose then!."

334-
Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers.
She refused with disdain.
He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.
He found Mable and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.
Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear.
Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."
"Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."

335-
A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each." Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for lobster tails ... is that correct?"
"Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today."
"Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster."
Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?"
"No", she said, "it's the really big red lobster."
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?", he repeated, astounded.
"Yes", she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said, "I'll take one.
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, "Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster ..."

336-
A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and he spoke no French. When the waiter asked his choice, he told the waiter to bring out the restaurant's specialty.
The man had a truly fantastic meal. The waiter asked if the man wanted dessert. He responded that the waiter should bring out the restaurant's specialty.
The waiter said that was the peach poosay and he would order it for him. A waitress came out with a covered silver platter. She took the cover off and there was a peach that had been quartered and pitted. The waitress proceeded to raise her skirt and take a piece of the peach and push it in and out of her pussy. She picked up the second piece and did the same.
The man called the waiter over an asked, "Am I actually expected to eat the peach after that?"
The waiter responded, "But no Monsieur, you eat the poosay."

337-
Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam", he replied courteously. "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary. "Certainly madam," he replied. "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam. sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?" "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully. "Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist. "OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary...who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment. Mary had written ..... 'Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!' 

338-
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. 
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 
Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. 
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. 
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. 
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! ! 
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " 
"No, " she replies. . . . . . " 
"You just happened to catch my eye

339-
The Prince was driving around his Mother's estate one day when he accidentally ran over her most favourite Corgi dog. The poor unfortunate thing was crushed to a pulp! The Prince got out of his car sat down on the grass and started weeping. The whole world was already against him and now his mother would be mad at him as well. 
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half buried by his foot. He dug up the lamp and polished it. Low and behold, all of a sudden, a genie appeared.
"You've freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment", said the genie: "For freeing me I grant you one wish!" 
"Well", said the Prince. "I have all the money and material things that I will ever need, but let me show you this dog". They walked over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you can bring this dog back to life?" asked the Prince. The Genie looked carefully at the remains and gently shook his head. "This body is far to gone for even me to bring back to life, isn't there anything else you would like"? 
The Prince thought for a moment and then reached into his wallet and took out two photographs. "I used to be married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said the Prince showing the genie the first photograph. "But now I love this woman called Camilla". He showed the genie the second photograph. "You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana"? The genie studied the two photographs and after a few moments said: "Let's have another look at that dog..."

340-
Ole and Sven are neighbours in Wisconsin. Ole is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over the border in Minnesota.
He drives over to Minnesota, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.
Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway and take it home.
He calls over his neighbour, Sven, and says, "Come here and look at dis new cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what happens."
Sven reaches under and pulls; the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought this cow in Minnesota, yah?"
Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right, how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."

341-
Beside a lake two Indian tribes made their homes. They were, however, at war with one another from years before.
There was an Indian maiden in one camp who was in love with a young brave in the other camp. They used to stand, on the shore, each on their respective side of the lake, and chant Indian love calls to each other... even though they were warned by their chiefs that nothing could ever come of it. One day they just could not stand being apart any longer.
That evening, on a cold winter night, they each jumped into the lake and swam towards each other in the moonlight. When they reached each other in the centre of the lake, they embraced and, very quickly, froze to death. This act so impressed the brave's tribe that they named the lake after the young man.
I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent at "Lake Stupid".

342-
Little Tommy, a good Lancashire lad, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all, Blue Steel. 
Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse that there ever was - who had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds. 
That afternoon, all the local cowboys tried their best, but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease. As a joke the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast. Up jumped little Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. 
But they let him have a go, and they were astounded when Tommy not only sat on the horse for 10 seconds and more, while Blue Steel bucked and lunged to throw him off like never before, but in a few minutes Blue Steel was so exhausted the he could be ridden in a very docile way all around the ring. 
Everyone was astonished. "Considering you've never even sat on a horse before " said Tommy's friends "how on earth did you manage that?" 
"Easy ", said Tommy "the wife's an epileptic."

343-
For those of us approaching our golden years, here's some important news to avoid that nursing home your kids picked. About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc, seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said: "I heard you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied: "Yes, that's true." I said: "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause: "It's cheaper than a nursing home!"
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 14 days.
7. T. V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
PS: And don't forget the best bit; when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge at all! 

344-
I once worked with two brothers who were always playing practical jokes on each other. Two gypsy chaps, one of whom lived in a house and seemed perfectly 'settled', and his wilder brother who lived in a caravan where he 'entertained' a constant stream of other men's wives.
By all accounts he had a winning way with 'massage', and had several bottles of baby oil scattered about his van. He preferred married women because - he said cynically - 'they don't cling'. Though I doubt if anything could cling with the amount of oil he got through.
His brother - who worked with me in a bakery 'somewhere in England' spilt liquid yellow food colour on his hands, and despite repeated scrubbings it took about two weeks to really wear off. That Sunshine Yellow (tartrazine) is truly powerful stuff.
The 'settled' brother, having fallen out with the other one over some minor slight, took home some yellow colour and decanted it into one of the bottles of oil in the caravan. Because of the opaque plastic it wasn't obvious what he had done. He told the rest of the night staff and there were several days of anticipation before the 'wild' one came in with a face as black as thunder and bright yellow fingers.
It transpired he had rubbed the stuff all over the more erogenous areas of his latest conquest in the dim light without realising, and that she was now desperately trying to think of daily excuses for not sleeping with her husband, who couldn't understand why his normally lusty wife had suddenly gone coy and taken to wearing 'passion killing' pyjamas.
"Not tonight, Love. I'm feeling just a little bit off-colour!"

345-
A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

346-
The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias.
"Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars.
"As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?"
"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?"
"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves...

347-
Lady Crofton-Smythe was giving an upper-crust party, and had hired Lena, a girl recently come to London from County Cork, as a maid.
As Lena was setting up the tea service, Lady C-S told her to be certain that there were sugar tongs available.
Lena had never heard of sugar tongs, and asked the Lady what they were and why they were used.
Lady C-S, always happy to Enlighten the Unenlightened, told Lena that the problem lay with the gentlemen, who would go to the loo, and to do what they needed to do, had to touch things which were less than acceptably sanitary. Yes, even the Nobility was subject to this masculine frailty.
"Sure, Ma'am, 'twas nothing like this Oi ever saw in Ireland," Lena said, impressed.
"Well, the Irish will learn manners someday, Lena," said the Lady, with an instinctive lifting of her nose.
After the guests had begun arriving that evening, Lady C-S was dismayed and infuriated not to see any sugar tongs on the tea service.
Lena, trembling, came quickly in answer to the Lady's angry shout.
"But... but, m'Lady, sure, an' Oi put the tongs out just as you told me to."
Her furious employer pointed to the tea table, devoid of tongs. "Then where are they, young woman?"
"Why, they're in the loo, of course."

348-
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"
To which he replies, "Meow."

349-
Paddy Murphy, a small young lad beginnin' to make his place in the world, had finished his hawking sales for the week and had done pretty well. So he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a well-known Dublin brothel. The Madam said, 'Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over there for $5, then I have an Irish redhead county Mayo lass for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15.' Paddy gave it some thought over a pint or two and decided he would spend $10 and he had a wild marvellous time. More than twenty years later after his wife had died, he felt lonely so once again he visited the same brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a friendly reunion. Then a huge youngster of about 20 appeared in the parlour and called out, 'Mum, is this guy bothering you?' No, no,' said the Madam, 'in fact, Sean , I'd like you to meet your father. 'What?' said Sean, 'this little scrawny leprechaun's my father?' To which Paddy responded, ' Hey boyo !, Be watchin' your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd have been a Chinaman.'

350-
It was visitors day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." And singing it beautifully.
Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard,"
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor!
They are the Moron Tapanapple Choir!!

351-
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

352-
My penis made me locally famous. I didn't find out about it until I got to University. Before then my experience of women was non-existent. I'd been at a boys' school, and anyway I was pretty spotty. I couldn't believe when, all of a sudden, at the Fresher's Ball, I was snogging. I was even more amazed when we were in her room. We were both wasted. I didn't have a clue how to behave, I was terrified, but she knew what to do and in no time we were naked, in bed. She was kissing my mouth. My neck. My chest, my stomach, my.... -- She stopped.
"Oh my goodness!" she said, incredulous, "Your cock tastes just like CHOCOLATE!"
Melanie (her name) wasn't a shy girl. She must have told her friend Suzy. I realized this the next day when a very attractive girl, with hip clothes and trainers, approached me in the Union Bar and just started chatting. This had NEVER happened to me before. She asked me if I wanted to hear a new CD she'd bought, and then we were in her room. Halfway through the second track we were naked. She'd hardly even kissed me before her face disappeared under the duvet.
"It does!" she exclaimed suddenly. "It bloody well DOES!!"
Two weeks into University I was still a virgin. I had, however, received twenty three blowjobs from twelve different girls and heard words such as 'incredible', 'amazing', 'Bournville', 'Swiss' and 'Belgian' exclaimed by mops of hair beneath my bedclothes. I had also been requested to immerse myself in a glass of milk and move vigorously to see if any of the flavour rubbed off. It didn't.
I went to the Doctor. She didn't believe me. Nor did she try it out, which I thought shockingly unscientific. But she did see the state I was in and gave me a salve.
Okay, so I'll admit it. For the first year it was great. I could have loads of women, any time I wanted. I got cunning and made them sleep with me first. I got fussy. All the guys on campus were jealous. People who didn't know me looked wide eyed to see one or more stunning girls on the arm of a spotty, pale youth, with lank dark hair and glasses. "What's he got?", they seemed to ask themselves.
But when the second year came I got really tired of it. There was a whole new year of girls who wanted to try me out. I felt like an object. A specimen. And there was something missing from my life, a yearning. I tried to have conversations with girls, in the coffee bar say, but all the time their eyes would be flicking to my crotch. Their tongues would run over their lips, their eyes would glaze over. I would make a hasty excuse and leave. It was about this time I began to get really upset about it. Everyone had started calling me Hob Nob.
When I say "everyone", it's not quite true: Some people called me Willy Wonka.
Hey, it is NOT funny! I was a person! I was more than a sexual organ that just happened to be flavoured like confectionery. Everyone stared at me. All the girls laughed when they saw me. I overheard them talking about me. About it! I think I had a bit of a breakdown, I couldn't take it. All through my third year I stayed in. I saw no one.
I had given up on my little University world. Everyone knew everything. Because I didn't have anything to do I studied all the time. I got a First and went to New York, Columbia, for a Masters. I took a deep breath of fresh air. Fantastic!
It was great! Nobody knew me! If it hadn't been for the lousy beer it would have been perfect. I met Laurie a few months later and we started to go out. I'd seen her around in the cafeteria on campus, but it was only when I heard her give a paper on radical feminism that I really noticed her. She wrote about the politics of oral sex. She stood at the lectern in black jeans, white tee shirt, her hair tied back severely, her little fists clenching to emphasize a point.
"Oral sex", she had concluded, "is degrading. The worship of the phallus only serves to enforce the enslavement of women. No woman should ever do it, and I certainly won't do it ever again. Ever. Thank you."
She stepped down from the platform to rapturous applause from a room mainly filled by women. I was enraptured, entranced. I had to get to know her.
Well, eventually we got it together. Having no chocolate penis to rely on, I had to be myself and for a long time she wasn't interested. But then it all happened. Nights discussing politics, poetry, walks in the park, old Cocteau movies. Love, smooth and slow, calm as an angel. About a year after we met, she was lying in my bed, naked, her black hair blooming like an impossible rose against my sheets, her flawless skin almost as white as they were. I was so happy. I started to kiss her, to cover her with kisses. I wanted to adore her, to make her feel better than anything; sighs escaped her like wind from a wood across a wheat field...
"No!" she said.
She took me by the scruff of the neck. "Not there!"
I stopped.
"Why not?", I asked.
"I knew it", she said firmly. "I won't do it to you in return. I won't. Not..."
"I know," I assured her. "I *want* to do it to you. But I don't want you to do it to me, ever."
"You will", she said, "You will! I knew this would happen..."
I didn't listen to her. I knew. There was no way I'd let her even if she wanted to. Never. I covered the insides of her thighs with my face and rested my hands on the tops of her legs. I pushed them part slightly. She resisted a little but then she opened her legs wider and I --
I lifted my head up.
"Guinness!" I cried, "Guinness!!"

353-
My wife was fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something like, "Well, I have FINALLY outdone myself". No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes: Last weekend I spied something at a pawn shop that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 32nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, google-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the damn thing and pushed the button. Nothing....... I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (REAL men don't need any stinkin' directions), I found, much to my chagrin, that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee!!! I'm easily amused, but for your information, I have yet to explain to my girl what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc....
There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, reading, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want SOME assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin' way!!! Trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. You have a pretty good idea of what followed.
I'm sitting there, alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY SHIT! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body-slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, nipples singed, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me, making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again! Do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You are NOT going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't wedge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-BITCH, that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 8 ounces give or take an ounce. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they flew away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large. Miss 'em . . . . sure would like to get'em back.

354-
A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of bacon and eggs. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate, so he asked his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?" 
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal." 
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks, so he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" 
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather said, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!" 
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass, so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." 
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, go lay down!" 

355-
Englishman Irishman and a Scotsman were exploring in the jungle when they were captured by a fierce tribe of natives and tied to posts in the middle of their village whilst dozens of warriors gathered around. The Chief - a nasty looking individual with a bone through his nose (but no fish) approached the Scotsman and said "Death? Or Boonga-Boonga?" The Scotsman had no idea what he meant, but didn't fancy the first option, so he said "Boonga-Boonga". The chief turned to the assembled warriors and shouted "BOONGA-BOONGA!", at which the first twelve tribesman gave a cheer. They dragged the Scotsman from his post, bent him over a tree-stump, pulled down his trousers and gave him a damn good rogering. He was then released into the jungle. The Chief - then went up to the Irishman and said "Death? Or Boonga-Boonga?" The Irishman had seen what had just happened, but really didn't want to die, so he said "Boonga-Boonga". The chief turned to the crowd and shouted "BOONGA-BOONGA!", at which the next twelve tribesman gave a cheer. The Irishman was duly untied, rogered by all twelve and then set free. Next it was the Englishman's turn. "Death? Or Boonga-Boonga?" The Englishman, a stiff upper lip type, said "Damn, you sir. I am a subject of her Majesty the Queen and I will not submit myself to your filthy heathen perversions. I choose death." The Chief turned to the crowd and shouted "DEATH!" at which there was a low groan, 
"BY BOONGA-BOONGA!!!" The entire crowd cheered............

356-
A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the girl at checkout #3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?" She says "Sure. What size are you?" "I don't know" he replies. "Well, just let me check" the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3." They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
Then, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?" He says "Well, I don't know." She says "Just let me check here." She unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3." They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
Seeing this, a fifteen year old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell any condoms here?" "Yep" she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know" he says. She unzips his zipper for a feel, pauses and says over the intercom, "CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3 PLEASE. CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3."

357-
Gentlemen:
I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don't understand why it wasn't. Well, I will enlighten you.
In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit.
In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death. In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine.
In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw, and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).
In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left me with the three small children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to keep down expenses, but I had trouble getting her off, and the doctor told me to try to create some excitement just as she was beginning to get aroused. That night I pointed the shotgun out the window while we were in bed and just as she was beginning to orgasm I pulled the trigger. Well, she shit the bed, I ruptured myself and killed the best damn milk cow I ever had.
The next year my troubles really started. My wife caught the clap from the ice man, my son wiped his ass with a corn cob with poison ivy on it, and someone de-nutted my best bull.
In 1970 I decided to go into another business on my own. I ordered six bee hives from Sears, Roebuck, and Company. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on credit on the instalment plan. The queen bee died and I ordered another one.
She turned out to be a whore and started running around with a horsefly. The honey tasted like shit so I couldn't sell it.
So now, gentlemen, you say if I do not pay you, you will cause me trouble.
Right now if it costs two cents to shit, I'd have to puke. 
Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot trowel, but you are welcome to try.

358-
Izzy is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter.
Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Izzy goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him.
After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."
"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!"

359-
Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?" he asked. 
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." 
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately." 
"It's not that easy," said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own." 
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. 
"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied. 
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster. 
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?" 
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode." 
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg." 
"How do I do that?" Tom asked. 
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." 
Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground. 
"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: 
"Tom!! For cryin' out loud! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!" 

360-
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I"ll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers...
"Unhook... my... braces... from... your... side-view....... mirror''.

361-
A guy looking for a job finds that a certain mill is hiring lumberjacks. So he goes out to the mill and talks to the foreman who tells him all about the job, pay and housing for all the lumberjacks. Everything looks perfect and the guy is ready to go to work at once.
But when he was walking around he noticed that there weren't any women around. So he pulls the foreman aside and asks him what everyone does for sex. The foreman laughs and brings him over to this bog tree that has a hole in it. "This is the fucking tree," says the foreman, "whenever you get horny, come over and put your dick in the hole and fuck away. Trust me, it does the trick every time."
The man thinks it's kind of odd, but takes the job anyway. The days go by and soon the man gets horny. He thinks about taking it out on the tree, but it still seems weird to him, so he goes to his room and jacks off.
A week passes and the guy gets hornier and hornier and jacking off isn't enough for him. So finally he figures, 'what the hell,' and sneaks over to the fucking tree in the middle of the night, whips out his dick and puts it in the hole. to his surprise, it feels great. Soon enough he starts to fuck the shit out of it. After a great session he goes back to bed with a big smile.
The next day after a hard day of work, he makes another visit to the tree and it's even better this time. Again he pounds away at the tree. He can't believe how amazing the tree is and wonders what kind of magic tree they have. Things just couldn't get better for him.
The following day, he runs to the tree after work, hurriedly takes out his dick and puts it into the sweet warm fucking tree. The tree gets better and better everyday. He goes at it again and afterwards he can hardly walk.
The next day all he can think about is going back to the fucking tree. Every tree that he cuts down is one less tree in his way of the fucking tree. Finally the day is done and he takes off for the fucking tree. He pulls out his dick, grabs hold of his dick and shoves it in. Nothing.
The man is shocked. He tries again, but still nothing. Feeling very frustrated, the man storms off to the foreman. "What's wrong with the fucking tree?" the guy asks. "I've been there three times already and it's been better each time, but today, I ran up to it, stuck my dick in and nothing happened. What the hell happened?"
The foreman thought for a second and then said, "oh yeah, didn't they tell you? Today's your day in the tree."

362-
Some American adventure tourists signed up for a guided expedition across the Sahara desert. Upon arriving at their starting point they were surprised to find that the entire journey was to be via camel.
They explained to the expedition leader how they were under the impression the trip was to be taken in four wheel drive vehicles.
"No no," said Ohmar, "There is no vehicle made that can survive the route we are taking across the desert. Only camels can make this trip and even they require special preparation"
"What kind of special preparation?" asked an American
"Well first I let the camel drink his fill of cool water and then just as he's taking his last sip I take these two bricks and slam them together on his nuts. The camel instantly sucks up another ten gallons of water... enough for him to survive the long journey"
"My god," exclaimed the American, "that must really hurt"
"Not really," replied Ohmar, "only if I catch my fingers between the bricks"

363-
Harley Davidson faces stiff competition from Johnson Marine who introduces a new line of motorcycles Winimac, WI - At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine, makers of Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational equipment, following the apparent success of Polaris with their line of Victory motorcycles, unveiled a new line of heavyweight cruiser style motorcycles designed to compete head to head with industry leader Harley-Davidson. In fact, the two companies have a heritage as William Harley designed the first successful marine carburettor for Johnson/Evinrude some 100 years ago. Peter Long, Johnson brands marketing manager said, "We have studied the market and determined that Harley, while highly successful, has narrowly missed the mark when targeting motorcycle buyers". Long added, "We at Johnson are convinced that our product hits the target dead centre and promises to draw sales away from Harley-Davidson in a way no other motorcycle has been able to accomplish". The new line of bikes, marketed under the name Big Johnson Motorcycles, will, according to Long, deliver what Harley has only promised. "Our research show that this, a Big Johnson, is what Harley buyers are really after". At the unveiling of the new line Monday, several current Harley owners agreed. "When I bought my Harley, what I really needed was a Big Johnson," said one Harley owner. " But I see now that riding a Harley is no replacement for having a Big Johnson." Manager Long also said that his company would follow the lead of Harley-Davidson and cash in on a huge market for non-motorcycle related products. "We realize that not every guy can have a Big Johnson," said Long, "But image is very important to people. If they don't have a Big Johnson, they at least want to project the image of having one." Asked if he anticipated Big Johnsons showing up in the hands of Harley owners, Long said it was unlikely. "I just don't see the need to have a Harley if you have a Big Johnson," he said. "And I can't imagine someone who spends all their resources to acquire a Harley having a Big Johnson. I think it boils down to this - You either have a Harley, or you have a Big Johnson, but you are not likely to have both." "Given the choice," said Long, "I think most guys will opt for the Big Johnson." Another force driving sales for the company will come from women. A survey of the wives and girlfriends of nearly 1,000 potential motorcycle buyers indicates less than 5% would approve of their partner spending $15,000 on a Harley Davidson. But, when asked if they would be willing to pay the same amount of money to get their partner a Big Johnson, nearly 4 out 5 thought that would be money well spent. One female present at the product unveiling was quoted as saying, "There is no way I will let Lonnie drop 15 grand on another one of those Harleys, but 15 grand to get him a Big Johnson? Well, that's something we could both enjoy, and it's something he really needs." Carla Roundheel, manager of the dealership network now being established, said her motto is simple. "I service what we sell." Big Johnson Motorcycles will be traded on the New York stock exchange under the abbreviation PNSNV.

364-
Directions
1. Start at where you are.
2. Go to London Heathrow Airport.
3. Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
4. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
5. Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles.
6. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for 0.3 miles
7. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport Exit" - follow for 2.9 miles
8. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2 miles
9. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
10."US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
11. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles
12."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
13. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
14. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles
15. Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles
16. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles
17. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles
18. Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"
Now THAT is the way to fucking Amarillo.

365-
Scene: The finish line of the famous Venice Canal swim race. A newspaper reporter is interviewing Paul, who was favoured to win the race. Reporter: "Paul, you were favoured to win today's Venice Canal race by a
1/4 mile; this wasn't even supposed to challenge you. Why then did you finish dead last, shocking your fans?"
Paul: "Well, at the start I was in the lead, and taking it easy, knowing there was no one in reach of me. As I passed under the first bridge, Terri was standing on top of it, rubbing her hips, and looking very sexy."
"She was calling to me, saying, 'Paul, I am yours when you finish the race.' This started to get me excited, my swim suit was getting uncomfortable."
"The next bridge I passed under, the beautiful Anni was standing on the bridge. She had her shirt off, and was fondling her large breasts, saying, 'these are for you when you finish the race, Paul.'"
"I was now dragging in the mud. The other swimmers were now in sight, but I swam on."
"The third bridge I passed under, the naked Judy was standing on it. She was rubbing her body, and calling to me, saying, 'I am yours when you finish the race, Paul, I want you so bad.'
" This was it, I was now stuck in the mud, all the other swimmers passed me, and I was sad to let down my fans. I didn't know what to do."
Reporter: "But Paul, why didn't you try the backstroke?"
Paul: "Ah, but what of the bridges?"

366-
A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever after in London. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and sold her the chicken legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and sold her some chicken breasts.
The following day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she took her husband to the store... What do you suppose she did to indicate to the butcher what she wanted?

Whatever were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband's English!

367-
The Hunchback of Notre Dame had heard a lot about sex, so one night he decided to venture out onto the streets of Paris to look for a hooker.
He walked for hours until he found the darkest, poorest street haunted by whores desperate for money. He made an arrangement with one, dropped his pants and went to work.
The hooker tried shutting her eyes and pretending her john was normal. But she made the mistake of opening her eyes. One look at the Hideous man fucking her and she vomited all over him.
The hunchback stopped and asked, "Are you sick?"
"Yes," she stammered.
"Good," he said. "For a minute, I thought I'd busted my hump."

368-
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, the Fairy Godmother appeared. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish. "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.
Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!" The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said, "I wish I was young and full of beauty again." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful face returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years, and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to run through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again, "You have one more wish. What shall you have?"
Cinderella looked over at Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. "I wish for you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man." Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when he stood before
Her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella! Enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular Arms.
He leaned close to her ear and whispered with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"

369-
King Arthur has to go away to war. In these times, it was standard procedure for a man to leave his wife behind in a chastity belt. However, should the unfortunate occur and the husband die, a copy of the key was left behind with a trusted friend. King Arthur pondered for days trying to think who to leave the key with, until he realised who his most trusted friend was- Lancelot! Came the day when they set sail to fight the Saxons, Arthur turned to bravely take one last look at his beloved Camelot. In the distance, he spied a small dust cloud rising. Confused, he watched, and at the bottom of the cloud was a man riding a horse for all of it's worth. Finally, Arthur recognised Lancelot as the man riding the horse. Arthur called out "Lancelot, what are you doing here?" and through the air came the reply "You.. gave... me... the... wrong... key!"

A year later, Arthur had to go away for war again- the damn Saxons again. He called Merlin in to ask his advice about Guenevere. Merlin said "Ah! I have just the thing- a chastity belt!" Arthur shook his head "That didn't work last time." Merlin replied "No no, your Majesty. This is a very special chastity belt. In the front in a little hole, and if anything is stuck inside, it trips a switch- and down comes a small razor blade." Arthur was delighted, and immediately set about leaving for war. Returning from the wars, Guenevere rushed up to kiss Arthur, but before he did anything else, he went to the round table room. "Alright boys," he said to the knights "Line up and drop your trousers" As he passes by inspecting each one, he found that each man was horribly disfigured, one after another, except the last one- Lancelot! "Lancelot, my friend, my confidant. All of these years, I have held you closest to my heart as a true brother in the spirit. Not I see how this has come back to me with your faithfulness, and consideration. I shall make you my co-ruler and bestow upon you half of my kingdom immediately, all in return for your kindness. What do you say?" Lancelot replied "A-wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh"

A year later, Arthur has to go away to war again- always with the Saxons. Going to Merlin, he threatens to do something nasty if he can't come up with a better idea this time on what to do with Guenevere. Merlin smiles and says "I have just this thing your majesty! Bring Guenevere down here." So Arthur brings his wife down and Merlin pulls out a dildo. "Now, your majesties, this is no ordinary dildo. It is a magical dildo. All you have to say is 'Magic dildo my vagina" and it will go to work all by itself. And to stop it, all you have to say is 'Magic dildo, stop'" So Arthur goes away to war, and Guenevere stays home and mourns. After a few days, however, she began to become a little randy and sent off her maidservants, closed the door, then undressed. Taking out the dildo, she laid down on her bed and said "Magic dildo my vagina" and suddenly the dildo leaped forward and burrowed itself into her. Guenevere was delighted and spent many hours having fun, until finally she because exhausted. Suddenly she realised that she no longer could remember the words to make the dildo stop. She tried all kinds of words but ntohing worked. Finally she pulled the dildo out of herself, and threw it across the room. The dildo stayed still for a moment, then rose in the air, pointed at her, and began to fly to her. Shrieking, Guenevere ran out of the room, ran down the hall, ran down the winding stairway, finally passing a stationed guard who called after her" Your majesty, what's the matter?" Guenevere cried out "There's a magic dildo chasing me!" The guard snorted. "Magic dildo, my ass-Arrrgh!"

370-
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said: Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me; The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied : I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years. 

371-
This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.
After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "if you ain't goin to eat that, mind if I do"?
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead".
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chilli.
The sight is shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

372-
An elderly British anthropologist wanders through a reservation of American natives to explore. Suddenly she meets a native with 1 feather in his head band.
She asks: "Oh, what is this feather for?"
The native answers: "I big warrior, I fuck 1 woman."
She continues her exploration, when she meets a native with 2 feathers in his head band. She can think of the meaning, but in the interest of precision, she asks: "Oh, what are those two feathers for?"
The answer is: "I very big warrior. I fuck 2 women."
As she walks on, she meets another native with a helluva lot feathers in his head band. She asks: "Oh, what are all these feathers for?"
The native answers proudly: "I chief of big warriors. I fuck every woman."
The lady blushes and sighs: "Oh, dear.."
Chief: "No, not fuck deer, ass too high, runs too fast!"

373-
A couple were making love in a 5 Series BMW when the bloke's back seized up. The ambulance men were afraid to move him in case of serious damage to his spine. So the police decided to use the 'jaws of life'. They simply cut the entire top of the car off so the patient could be safely lifted out without bending.
When the ambulance departed the girl sat weeping beside the abbreviated 5 Series BMW.
Feeling sorry for her, a cop patted her on the shoulder. 'He'll be all right,' he reassured her. The girl rounded on him savagely. 'Oh, sod him,' she exclaimed. 'How am I going to explain to my husband what happened to his BMW?'

374-
Below is a list of questions put on a survey to find out about men’s opinions and knowledge of the world around them.
A typing error occurred on this particular questionnaire. The answer was placed against the wrong question. 
It still seems to make sense though.
What is a Lion?
What is a vagina? A large man eating pussy.
What is a cesspit? A smelly hole surrounded by hair.
What is a scouser's house? A large hole in the ground full of shit.
How do you define a slum dwelling? A place where Liverpudlians live. 
How would you describe a woman’s genitalia? Damp and smelly and full of fleas.
What do you think of government policy? It’s difficult to explain, but I know one thing, I’d like to fuck it.
What role do churches play in modern society? It’s the blind leading the blind.
How important are male royals? They like to spend their time trying to find thick cunts to worship them.
Are men who fancy lesbians are homosexual? Not at all, they’re blue blooded males who’d fuck anything in a skirt.
What do you think of queers? I think it’s true that they’re just normal blokes who love a bit of pussy action.
How does the rest of Europe describe the French? They’re a bunch of shirt lifting bastards that should have been strangled at birth.
Why should you never give a Frenchwoman a French kiss? They smell of garlic and eat snails and frogs legs. Disgusting twats. 
Describe a dwarf with a low IQ? It isn’t big and it isn’t clever.
Who is Sylvester Stallone? A short arse that couldn’t outwit an Amoeba
Who is God really? A North American film star.
Who is Osama bin Laden? A woman with a really sick sense of humour. 
What’s the most useful thing about a woman? A cunt.
Why is a leper girlfriend useful? She always gives you a hand and makes your tea.
Because she’s guaranteed to fall apart when you dump her.

375-
A married couple were on vacation in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods on sale when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a broad Jamaican accent say: "You! Foreigners! Come in, come into my humble shop." So they walked in. The Jamaican said to them: "I got special sandals I tink you like. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the shopkeeper: "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied: "Dey cool man, just try 'em on." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. Then the Jamaican then began screaming: "Got dem on de wrong feet man!" 

376-
I was driving my car down a side street the other day when all of a sudden this cat jumped out in front of me. I hit the brakes, but I heard a thump, so I stopped. 
There was the cat lying right in the road. It was still alive, but I apparently had run over its tail and the force of the tire had cut it off. 
A lady came running out of a house screaming, "you killed my cat!" 
I told her, "No, he's O. K., except for the tail, and I'll fix that." 
I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll of duct tape and taped the cat's tail back on. 
The lady immediately blushed and called the cops. A cop showed up and immediately gave me a ticket. 
Boy, was I pissed off. I had to go to court, and was convicted. What a bummer. All for retailing pussy in a residential area...

377-
Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."

378-
There was a man in a hospital who thought that he would die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish. Nurse he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Kruschev." "Nikita Kruschev? But he is dead for a long time." "I don't care I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!" The nurse didn't know what to do. Then she thought of something. As the man did not wear his glasses the nurse takes her beautiful tits out of her bra and offers the left one to the man. He holds it, caresses it and very moved. He said, "Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend!! How happy I am to see you again!" He was kissing her left tit so warmly that the nurse started liking the whole situation. She asks the man, "What about kissing president Eisenhower's head." "Yes!! Is he here too?" "Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her right tit. "Oh my dear president how happy I am to see you here," said the man, kissing again and again, "Eisenhower." The nurse liked all that very very much; and started to feel her pussy getting moist; so she asks the man, "What about Fidel Castro?"

379-
Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas's mother could meet Tamara for the first time. Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as Thomas's mother seemed to be avoiding her after their first introduction.
"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should I put it, a bit on the crude side."
"Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston? That I was educated in Switzerland ? That I attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I obtained a master's degree at Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laude?" Tamara asked.
"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied.
"Then where in the fuck does that snooty cunt come off with all that crude bullshit?"

380-
A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls.
While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."
Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."
Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."
"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?"
She replied, "Because my cherry is not ripe yet, duh."

381-
A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. 
The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. 
The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. 
As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. 
The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. 
As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full. 
After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?" 
The man says, "Two's fine." 
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks. 
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"

382-
A pessimist and an eternal optimist had been friends for years. The optimist was always trying to get his buddy to see the bright side of things. When he found a dog that could walk on water, he thought, This is perfect. There's no way that cynical mate of mine can say anything negative. He took his friend duck hunting to show the dog in action. When they downed a bird it fell on the other side of the lake and the optimist sent the dog to retrieve it. The animal trotted across the water, grabbed the duck in his mouth and ran back the same way over the lake. "Isn't that amazing?" the optimist said. "Hmmph," the cynic said. "That dog can't swim, can it?"

383-
Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame: She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This so incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day: "Small Medium At Large"

384-
A rather plain looking woman enters the office of a Hollywood talent agent and says, "I wish to hire you. "OK, he says, lets talk. Are you an actress, dancer, comedian, what?" "I can sing through my pussy!" "You can do what?" "I sing through my pussy! "Listen!" Pulling up her dress she removes her panties, spreads her legs apart and sings like a bird through her pussy. The agent grabs his phone and calls his friend Jack, a producer of X-rated shows. He is informed that the producer is in Paris France and is given a number where he may be reached. He immediately places the call forgetting the time difference. The producer answers mumbling a sleepy, "H'lo." "Hey, Jack, this is Morley. I got a broad her that you won't believe. You gotta hear this, listen." He places the phone next to the broads pussy and it sings. After a few bars of the song he says, "Well, wadda ya think? I never heard anything like it in my life. This could make us millions." The producer bellows into the phone, "Morley, you son of a bitch, I didn't get to bed till after midnight, it's three o'clock in the morning here and you wake me from a sound sleep just to hear some cunt sing!"

385-
A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbour's cows.".
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?".
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

386-
The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day she had been selling her body at a hundred dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it with her. She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay her the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my agent's ten percent as a deduction?" "No siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it, just like the other Johns." The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed. That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local night club. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the lights. At 1 A. M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously done. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality. "My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent." "I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at the darn door selling tickets."

387-
August 31st: Just got transferred with work into our new home in Perth!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. 
September 13th: Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper. September 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. 
October 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer that I expected. 
October 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this. 
October 20th: I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and catshit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. 
October 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts. 
October 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? November 4th: It's 35 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid place. 
November 8th: If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!! November 9th: Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat. 
November 10th: The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can't live in this heat. November 14th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Perth. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here? December 1st: WHAT????? This is the first day of summer???? You are kidding

388-
Two male friends were out hiking one day. One of the friends step behind a tree to take a piss. As his penis was hanging out a rattle snake jumped out of the bushes and bit it. He fell out near his friend moaning and holding his penis, crying "A rattle snake just bit my penis, quick call a hospital on your cell phone and find out what to do." When his friend got a hold of a doctor he was told, he would have to suck out the poison. He went over to his fiend and his friend said, "what did the doctor say?" He looked at his friend's penis then back at his friend and said, "He says you're going to die!'

389-
The beautiful Executive Assistant to the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara." The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I buy. I buy." Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build." Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "I cut. I cut."

390-
Pool Rules
Now a few rules for what women can and cannot wear at a private pool.
1) Thongs are encouraged... however only if certain conditions are met.
1A) There must be a direct correlation to the amount of total square inches of skin, to the total amount of square inches of bathing suit. In other words, if you are any larger than a mini van, a string bikini should be frowned upon.
1B) Thongs or ass floss as they have been come to be known in pool and beach circles, should be worn as long as there is not more cellulite on your buttocks than in one of Mel Gibson's Epic type movies.
2) Women with near perfect figures, cannot wear one piece bathing suits... plain and simple. Damn, I know it's a sexist world, but it's the world that we live in.
3) Curlers are strictly verboten.
Now that Summer is here, here are a few rules for what men can and cannot wear at a private pool.
1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:
1A) If when you look down, you can't see the colour of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.
1B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.
1C) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get turned on by 1and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.
1D) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn chairs, skip the Speedo.
1F) If you are the type of guy who gets aroused when you see a woman in less than an overcoat and/or if there is a gentle breeze, you should not be wearing one. Teepees are for Indian reservations and not for the pool thankyouverymuch.
2) If you cannot wear a Speedo, and are wearing short type bathing suits, please for the sake of all humankind, wear one with an inner shell. There is nothing sexier than seeing your boys hanging down as you sit in that position that only a man can do so gracelessly, but it is impolite to be the cause of so many women getting so horny at midday, so keep your boys hidden.
3) No thongs under any circumstances.
4) If you wear sandals, do not wear white knee socks.

391-
Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it was filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day and night, stopping only occasionally for something to eat. He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what he thought about least of all was his rent.
As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding the three months' rent Walpole owed on the loft.
"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm on the verge of making some sales."
"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story last month. You won't get another day's credit from me."
"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Someday this loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge a fortune for it. In a few years, people will come into this disgusting loft and whisper, 'Walpole used to paint here.'"
"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able to say it tomorrow morning."

392-
I was interviewing a cleaning woman that was applying for a position in helping with the upkeep in a house I was occupying in this small town Florida community.
When I asked the reason she had left her last employer, she replied, "Well, sir, they paid good wages, but I'm tellin' ya, it was the most ridiculous and sinful place I've ever worked.
My last night they were playing some kind of game called Bridge and a lot of local town folks were there that I recognized from the social pages of our town newspaper. I was about to bring in the refreshments, when I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got."
Another man said, "I've got strength but no length." Then another man says to a lady, "Take your hand off my trick!"
Well, I pretty near dropped the tray and dropped dead just then, when I was shocked to my senses to hear the lady answer, "You jumped me twice when you said you didn't have the strength for one more raise."
Another lady was talking about protecting her honour. And I couldn't believe it, in this respectable community, hearing yet another lady call out, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."
Well, with them shenanigans goin' on, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll all go home now, cuz this is the last rubber!"

393-
Two buddies are on their way to the U. S. Army Induction Center for physicals. Neither wants to go to war, so one says, "I hear that if you don't have any teeth they won't take you." They decide it's worth a try, so they stop at a dentist and have all their teeth pulled. When they arrive at the Induction Center there is a line waiting to get physicals. They decide it might look fishy if both stand in line, one after the other, so one guy heads for the back of the line. Just as he steps into line, a big ole farm boy hits the end of the line right in front of him, so the second toothless guy lines up behind him. The first toothless guy steps up and the doctor asks, "Anything wrong with you?" The guy says, "Well, no, except I don't have any teeth." The doctor says, "Open up and let me have a look." The guy opens his mouth and the doctor runs his finger around his gums and says, "Sure enough, you stand over there." The line slowly progressed to his buddy while he waited. The farm boy in front of him steps up and the doctor asks, "Anything wrong with you?" The farm boy says, "No doc, 'ceptin I have a little case of the piles." The doctor says, "Bend over, spread 'em and let me see." The boy does. The doctor rams his finger in, pulls it out, looks at his finger and says, "Sure 'nough. You stand over there." The next toothless guy having observed the examination with the farm boy steps up and when the doctor asks him, "Anything wrong with you?" "Not a damn thing ... just give me a gun, I'm a fighting son-of-a-bitch !!"

394-
Joe, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked. The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well." Joe thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left. The next day, Joe returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked Joe, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?" "Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix." "Hmm," thought Joe. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try. On the third day, Joe still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. Joe wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?" "No, I am a Rabbi."

395-
A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavour ice cream in the world."
"Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in.
"So you say you have every flavour ice cream in the world?" "O. K., I would like three scoops of pussy flavoured ice cream please."
"No problem sir."
The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick.
Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like pussy, it tastes like shit!"
The assistant replies, "Of course it tastes like shit when you take such long licks.

396-
Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon".
The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-coloured banners... and the band played appropriate music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-coloured banners... and the band played appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-coloured banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."

397-
An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his cow pasture. The Amish man said, "No, no thee can not." "Legally, that paper says we can." replied the gruff worker. As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture. As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish farmer hollered, "Show him thy friggin' paper!"

398-
General Custer's troops had just come from a tremendous battle with the Indians in which the Indians were badly defeated.
After the troops had left to return to the fort, the Indian chief called his tribe together and said, "I must report on the battle.
There is good news and there is bad news.
The bad news is that we were soundly trounced by the troopers. They burned down our camp, and took our food supplies. We'll have nothing to eat throughout this cold winter except buffalo turds."
The chief's son piped up,
"If that's the bad news, what's the good news?"
The chief said, "There are plenty of buffalo out here."

399-
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual. I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him. He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more! 
"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?" 
"Okay," the computer support guy said. . . . 
"Son, could you please put your mummy on the phone?"

400-
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday school every week. On one Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" 
"Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded. 
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" 
"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, "Whatever would I tell my Sunday School class?" 
Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?" 
"Oh my, goodness no," said the woman "I couldn't face my Sunday school class if I did?" 
Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh ... mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?" 
"Sure, that would be nice," she said with anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U- turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in. 
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the heck have I done?" 
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday school class?" 
The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. "You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!!!"

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