Miscellaneous Long
1-
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little
Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
2-
Hollywood Lessons
1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half- hour to escape.
8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.
14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
16. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
17. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
18. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
19. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
20. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
21. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
22. An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
23. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
24. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German you need not speak the language. A German accent will do.
25. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
26. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade- at any time of the year.
27. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
28. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
29. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
30. If you are a blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
31. It's easy for anyone to land a plane provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
32. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving
33. Word processors never display a cursor on the screen but will always say: "Enter password now."
34. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
35. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
36.If you overpower a sentry or guard, his uniform will fit you perfectly.
37.It is possible to brush your teeth without any toothpaste foam appearing on your lips.
38.Handsome men don't belch or fart.
39.If you're a team of misfits and losers, you'll win the championship.
40.In a large city, the streets are always wet at night.
41.Most bathrooms do not have a toilet.
42.All orphans can sing and dance, both alone and in groups.
43.You'll find a parking space in front of your building in New York.
44.A person wearing a good latex mask can deceive even close friends of the person the mask depicts.
45.It usually rains during outdoor funerals.
46.Police officers may beat the daylights out of a suspect in the course of an arrest, but are careful to guide him gently into the squad car so he doesn't bump his head.
3-
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked
around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him
out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only
one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of
flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be
built from California to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I
can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach
the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to
ask." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one
other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are
they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So was that a two lane road or four?"
4-
Texas Chilli
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chilli # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chilli
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slide unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli.
5-
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae have sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place." So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, you must hold my bawls in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is
now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.
Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer bawls in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet!"
6-
An old man in Macclesfield calls his son in London and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Bristol and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Macclesfield immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for easter weekend and paying their own way!! Now what do we tell them for Christmas?
7-
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
8-
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye...I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
9-
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
10-
The Green Horse
John was walking in the park one morning when, at 9.30, the most beautiful girl he had ever seen rode past on a large bay horse.
Now John's big problem was that he was tremendously shy and knew that he could never pluck up the courage to make the first move or start a conversation, so he set his mind to working out how he could ensure that this girl talked to him.
After a lot of thought he came up with a super plan.
I'll buy myself a magnificent horse and the finest riding clothes that money can buy. I'll also buy 10 gallons of bright green Dulux paint and early in the morning I'll go down to the stables and paint the horse green. I'll then go riding in the park and at 9.30 the girl will be riding towards me on her horse. She'll be absolutely amazed, rein in her horse and say to me.
"My that's a green horse you're riding!" And I'll reply "Yes it is, would you have dinner with me tonight?"
She will be so intrigued that she immediately agrees and we will have a magnificent meal in one of her favourite restaurants. As we're driving back from the restaurant I will ask her to come to Paris with me at the weekend and she will agree.
In Paris we will have a luxury suite at the finest hotel overlooking the Champs Elysee and I will have bought a beautiful designer gown for her to wear in the evening. We will eat in a Michelin 3 star restaurant and enjoy the finest food and wine. Afterwards, back at the hotel there will be a magnum of champagne chilling by the side of the four poster bed. I will pour two glasses, hand one to her and slowly start to undress her. We will then have a night of beautiful passion and love.
So, having bought the finest horse and riding gear available, John goes to the stable early the next morning with 10 gallons of bright green Dulux paint and paints his horse.
At 9.00 he goes riding in the park. At 9.30 precisely she rides towards him on her large bay. As they meet she reins in her steed and says in a surprised voice "My that's a green horse you're riding!"
And John replies "Yes. Do you want to fuck?"
11-
Two statues, one of a man, the other of a woman had been standing in the park, in all weathers, for 40 years.
One evening the Good Fairy visited them and praised them for their fortitude in being such exemplary statues for that length of time. As a reward for all their waiting the Good Fairy granted them 15 minutes of freedom to do whatever they wanted. The two looked at each other with smiles on their faces and immediately ran into the thickest part of the bushes. For the next few minutes all that could be heard were screams of delight and giggling accompanied by the noise of the bushes being vigorously trampled.
The statues reappeared after 8 minutes and thanked the Good Fairy for the time of their lives. "But you've still got 7 minutes left said the Good Fairy"
The man statue turned to the woman statue with a broad grin on his face. "Fantastic" he said, "This time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it"
12-
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account. To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I am very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There' no problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won fifty million bucks in the damn lottery, and I want to open a damn checking account in this damned bank!" "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
13-
"The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't
notice that the light had changed. Its a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have
noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out the window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an
exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the excitement of the moment! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, and he said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out or their cars and started walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed, so I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the inter-section. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Grandma
14-
Ed decided to go skiing with his buddy, Leon. They loaded up Ed's Ford pickup and headed to northern Colorado. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Ed said, we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Ed got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Leon and asked, "Leon, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm where we stayed on our ski holiday in Colorado."
"Yes, I do." said Leon.
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and sleep with her?" asked Ed.
"Well, uh, yeah," Leon said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" asked Ed.
Leon's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
Ed replied, "No need to apologize, Leon. She died last month and left me everything!"
15-
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum"
16-
One evening, a family brought their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping that she would be well-cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back, and once more moved her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?" They inquired.
"It's pretty nice here." she replied. "Except they won't let you fart."
17-
A Sydney radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would name sense?"
Caller: 'Goan fuck yourself'
The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff"
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'"
DJ: "...you are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"
18-
A foreigner was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. "Who's he?" said the foreigner. "That's the Memory Man." said the bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out." So the foreigner goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?" "Liverpool," replies the Memory Man. "Who did they beat?" "Leeds," was the reply. "And the score?" "2-1." "Who scored the winning goal?" "Ian St. John," was the old man's reply. The foreigner was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he returned. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the foreigner decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting "How". The Memory man replied, "Diving header in the six yard box."
19-
Italian Job
Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big showbiz party in his swanky new house. Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and music, fashion and art. There's marijuana, the best wines that money can buy,
oysters, champagne, Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire", and over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren.
All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book.
"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started. How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of 'how's yer father?'"
"OK," nods Jim , "as long as she does the rest of the band, too." "Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he
pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.
Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.
"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?"
The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What the hell!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work.
Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door flies open and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs
the young girl by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across the face! "Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.
"I told you," Caine snarls..... "You were only s'posed to blow the bloody Doors off..."
20-
There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed.
The man said, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like."
So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, "YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!"
This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hit man replied, "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger."
The man said, "$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife."
The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, "Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."
21-
I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall: "Hi, how are you doing?" Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad." And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?" Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I'm driving east." Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."
22-
An English businessman is visiting a Spanish company in Seville and plans to stay 3 days. On the first evening he is sitting in the hotel restaurant, enjoying an aperitif and trying to decide what to order from the menu when the lights dim, the door from the kitchen opens and the head waiter walks in with a steaming dish under a large silver salver: a single spotlight plays on the dish. The waiter stops at the table next to the Englishman and with a theatrical flourish lifts the salver off the dish to reveal a plate overflowing with what appears to be a steaming, fragrant delicacy. He then proceeds to serve the customer at that table who is obviously drooling in anticipation of the magnificent offering.
The Englishman calls the head waiter to his table and says, "I don't recognise that dish from the descriptions on the menu. Could you tell me what it is?"
"Si senor, yesterday was the first day of the bullfight week here in Seville and that dish is made from the testicles of the bull that was killed by our top matador. They are marinated in brandy for 8 hours and then slowly poached with a mixture of the finest truffles and foie-gras. It is truly a magnificent dish"
The Englishman is greatly tempted and asks if he can order the same but is disappointed to learn that the dish, because of the preparation time, has to be ordered a day in advance. He then decides to order it for his main course the next day.
The following evening he arrives in the hotel restaurant early and is eagerly awaiting the arrival of his special order. The lights dim, the door from the kitchen opens and the head waiter walks in with a steaming dish under a large silver salver: a single spotlight plays on the dish. The waiter stops at his table and with a theatrical flourish lifts the salver off the dish to reveal a plate that is almost empty apart from a small mound of shrivelled meat.
"I don't understand", complains the Englishman, "Yesterday's dish was overflowing with a much, much bigger portion"
"Si senor", replies the waiter, "But you have to understand, sometimes the bull, he wins"
23-
MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE NORTH
NAME ________
NICK-NAME _______
GANG NAME ______________
NAME YOU WANT ON YOUR GRAVESTONE __________
1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells a "fat one" to the Vinster for 300 notes and 90 grams to Tommo for 90 quid a gram. What is the street value of the rest of his stash?
2. Ant pimps 3 tarts in the Hacienda bogs. If the price is 40 quid a shag, how many tricks per day must each
tart perform to support the Vinster's 500 quid a day crack habit?
3. Whacka wants to cut the kilo of coke he bought for 7k to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need to make the coke "top banana"?
4. Christy got a 6-year stay at the Strangeways Hotel for murder. He also got £350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends £33,100 per month on thermal underwear and waterproof coats, how much money will be left when he gets to tread the cobbles
again? Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his hard-earned?
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint if you get 20% extra paint free? Extra Credit Bonus: How many cans will fit in the hood of a standard Kangol anorak?
6. Liam steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Eamo loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled before he gets "sorted"?
MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE SOUTH:
NAME____________________________________________ (if longer, please continue on separate sheet)
SCHOOL__________________________________
DADDY'S COMPANY_________________________
1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing (x) amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local JP to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of (y). The difference between (x) and (y) is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead
people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?
2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month, she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
3. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace dress. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et
Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?
4. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However, he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?
5. Bertram fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious.
If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?
24-
Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos. After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it.
A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding out.
The movie starts and it's the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever ... group sex, S&M, golden showers ... and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women in every orifice and most of the men.
Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, "I'm only here for the music."
The woman turns to Jerry and whispers, "We're only here to see our dog."
25-
Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnny's favourites, the clowns. Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?' 'No,' replies little Johnny. Are you the rear end of an ass?' 'No,' replies little Johnny again. 'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.' Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night. The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns.
Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?' Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice: 'Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!'
26-
This bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank. So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank. Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Shit!" thinks our man, "first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits. What am I going to do?" He decides
he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything. Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the wall where it is devoured by the lions. Sorted. He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So there he is, merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game. Our man gives the mischievous
monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the two monkeys, killing them stone dead. "Shit and double shit!" thinks our man, "look what I've done now! What am I going to do?" So he thinks to himself, "the lions worked last time, maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they?" He drags the dead monkeys to the lion
enclosure and lobs them over the wall where they are promptly devoured by the lions. Phew. Sorted - again! Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants doing next. He is told to collect the honey
from the American killer bees. Fair enough. So there he is, busy pulling the honey-filled boards from the beehive, when a bee stings him. Then another. And another; until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey-soaked board and batters
every last bee into a pulp. "Shit, not again!!!" he thinks, and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where, sure enough, it's devoured by the lions. By now, it's quitting time so he goes home. The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions. "Hello" he says. "Hi." say the others. "What's it like in here then?" asks the new lion. "Not bad." "Food O.K.?"
"Yeah, brilliant. In fact yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"
27-
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that hey only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Essex, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Essex," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there.. "Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex." The boy replied, "Really? Who does she play for?"
28-
This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell me," said the young man. "Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" said the young man. "Definitely," the old man replied. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" " It sure will," said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the sleeve piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
29-
On a recent weekend, I was rushing around trying to do some Valentine's Day shopping. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.
He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Valentine's Day presents (since she didn't manage to get them anything on
Christmas). The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.
The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
30-
Yesterday was my 59th birthday, & I wasn't feeling too hot this morning anyway. I went down for breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant & say "Happy Birthday," & probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday". I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came in to breakfast & didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low & despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Betty said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better someone had remembered! I worked until noon. Then, Betty knocked on my door & said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside & it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you & me". I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go". We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go-we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis & enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom &, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children & dozens of friends. They were singing "Happy Birthday..."
And there I sat, on the couch. Naked.
31-
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, I introduced myself, and said, "Mr.
Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Matt,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Matt," he said.
I replied, "Fuck off, Bill. Can’t you see I'm in a meeting."
32-
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.
One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it.
"Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff
was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted.
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from it's current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant wrote a check immediately.
33-
A young Kevin Holm from The Yukon moves to Vancouver and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says," Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alaska".
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" Kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our salespeople average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says "$101,237.64" Boss says "101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast. I told him he was gonna need a boat. So we went down to the boat department. I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it. I took him down to the automotive department. I sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's fucked-- you might as well go fishing."
34-
Ridge Hall computer assistant, may I help you?
Yep. Well I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
What sort of trouble?
Well I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away.
Went away?
They disappeared
Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Nothing
Nothing?
It's blank. It won't accept anything when I type.
Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?
How do I tell?
Do you see the C prompt on the screen?
What's a sea-prompt?
Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
There isn't any cursor. I told you. It won't accept anything I type.
Does your monitor have a power indicator?
What's a monitor?
It's the thing with a screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a light on it to tell you when it's on?
I don't know.
Well then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes in to it. Can you see that?
Yes I think so.
Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged in to the wall.
Yes it is.
When you were behind the monitor did you notice whether there were two cables plugged in to the back of it, not just one?
No
Well there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Okay. Here it is.
Follow it for me and tell me if it's securely plugged into the back of your computer.
I can't reach.
Uhuh, well can you see if it is?
No
Even if maybe you put your knee on something and lean over?
Oh it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark.
Dark?
Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Well, turn on the office light then.
I can't.
Why not?
Because there's a power outage.
A power.....power outage? Aha. Okay we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer was in?
Well yes, I keep them in the closet.
Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it, then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Really , is it that bad?
Yes I'm afraid it is.
Well, all right then, I suppose so. What do I tell them?
Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer.
35-
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.
Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him.
The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead. More Germans appear.
The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"
He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.
"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit.
The German keeps coming.
"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail.
He gets desperate.
"Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.
The German keeps coming.
He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."
36-
A universal study on the mysterious Bigfoot was conducted in the Pacific Northwest. Three scientists from three different countries decided to go out into the woods for three months with the most sophisticated equipment known to mankind, in hopes of finally proving the existence of Bigfoot. An American scientist from Washington met with a Russian scientist and a scientist from Czechoslovakia. Together all three scientists went off into the woods of the Pacific Northwest in search of Bigfoot. Three months pass, and no one had heard from any of the scientists. After pressure from the visiting scientists' home countries, an expedition was conducted to find the missing scientists. After a few days of searching, the search party came upon a den housing a family of Bigfoot: a daddy Bigfoot, a mama Bigfoot and a daughter Bigfoot. Upon closer examination, the search party noticed clothing belonging to the missing scientists laying on the ground around the Bigfoot family. The Bigfoot family tried to flee, but the search party shot at the family of Bigfoot. The search party killed the mama Bigfoot and the daughter Bigfoot, but the daddy Bigfoot got away. The searchers dragged the Bigfoot carcasses back to their camp, and performed autopsies to determine if they had eaten the missing scientists. After dissecting the mama Bigfoot, the searchers discovered the remains of the missing American scientist. After dissecting the daughter Bigfoot, the searchers found the remains of the missing Russian scientist. The head doctor then informed the search party, "I'm afraid that is it. We have the remains of the missing American scientist and the remains of the missing Russian scientist, but I'm afraid we don't have a trace of the missing Czechoslovakian scientist. Did you happen to see any other Bigfoots?" The head of the search party stepped forward and replied, "Yes, we did. A daddy Bigfoot got away from us." The doctor nodded with understanding, "Oh, I see. So the Czech is in the male!"
37-
A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.
As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're very drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realises he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says: "Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!"
The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly. The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him: "By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"
38-
Two guys go on a camping trip up into the mountains, and they have a wonderful time. By about the fourth day, however, they've run out of things to talk about and are starting to get on each others nerves. So on the fourth night, as they're having dinner, one of the guys makes a suggestion to his friend. "Look, we've been having a pretty good time up here, but let's face it...after four days together we've run out of things to talk about."
He then suggests to his friend that tomorrow they should separate for the day and hike off in opposite directions. That way, when they returned to camp tomorrow night, they could tell each other of what they'd seen and done that day and it would give them something new to discuss.
So the next morning they both get up early, pack enough supplies to last for the day, and go off in opposite directions.
The first guy travels north, farther into the mountains. After several hours of stumbling through dense trees he discovers a beautiful little clearing. There is a pond with deer drinking at it. There are hawks soaring over head.
Butterflies are dancing on the flowers. All in all, it is like heaven on earth! So he has an incredible day, swimming in the pond, eating his lunch under a tree, feeding the animals right out of his hand, and generally experiencing the most peaceful place on earth that he'd ever seen.
Later when he returns to camp, he arrives to see his buddy is already there ahead of him and has supper ready.
As they eat their meal, his friend asks him how his day went. "Fantastic!" he replies. He describes the beautiful spot that he had discovered, the pond that he swam in, the animals that ate from his hand, the hawks that soared overhead, etc.
His friend agrees that it sounded very beautiful indeed. "So tell me about YOUR day now", he prompted.
"Well", began his friend, "I went south for a few miles until I came to some train tracks. So I decided to follow those train tracks for a while and see where they lead me. I must have walked about an hour, when I suddenly saw this woman tied to the tracks! So I ran over, cut the ropes with my camping knife, gently picked her up and carried her to the tall grass beside the tracks, and for the next two hours we had sex in every position that you could imagine! By the end of it, I could hardly stand, let alone walk."
By this point the first guy is wide-eyed with amazement. "Wow, that's incredible! It sounds like you had an even BETTER day than I did. So...did you get a blow job too?" he asked.
"Nahh," replied his friend. "I couldn't find her head."
39-
Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo
One day Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were walking through the forest when they came across a little cottage. Snow White decided to go in first where she found on the wall a large mirror. "Mirror, Mirror on the wall who's the fairest of them all?" she asked. "You are Snow White my dear, you are the fairest of them all" came the mirror’s reply. Snow White went out to tell her pals "The magic mirror just told me that I am the fairest of them all!" she cried. Tom Thumb decides to have a go so he enters the cottage. "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the tiniest of them all?" he asked. "You are, Tom Thumb , you are tiniest of them all!" came the reply. Tom ran out "The mirror just told me that I am the tiniest of them all!" Finally Quasimodo enters the cottage. "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the ugliest bastard of them all?" he asked - outside his pals are waiting. Quasi comes out of the cottage looking puzzled. "Who the fuck is Robin Cook?" he asks.
40-
The Pianist
This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town. "Where's the goddam, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe," he politely inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can." The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking, manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant". "Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?" "Pardon?" says the manager. "Fucking deaf as well are we you little piece of snivelling shit, show us your pissing piano." "Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?" "Of course I can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard. "That's superb, what's it called?" "I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting me knob," replies the pianist. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?" "I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but me balls got caught in the soap drawer". The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager. "As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke. The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his own songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on, she's wearing and almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice: "Where's that bloody pianist?". He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping on your shoes?". The bloke replies: "Know it, I fucking wrote it"
41-
A young couple on their honeymoon in Las Vegas went to a bar one , night and asked the bartender if there was any entertainment. The bartender replied, "Have we got entertainment? We have The Amazing Benny tonight!" With that, the lights lowered and a 70-year-old man hobbled onto the stage dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three walnuts on it. He then took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three walnuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, dragging his card table.
On their 20-year anniversary, the same couple went back to Las Vegas and to the same bar for a drink. The bartender was the same guy from 20 years before. The couple began chatting about how 20 years ago they saw this unbelievable act in this bar. The bartender said, "YES, The Amazing Benny! He is performing here tonight!" With that, the lights lowered and a 90-year-old man hobbled onto the stage slowly dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three coconuts on it. He took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three coconuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage sloooowly dragging his card table. The couple were amazed and told the bartender, "He did that 20 years ago when we were here...with walnuts. Now he does this with coconuts?"
The bartender apologetically replied, "Well yes, 20 years ago he DID use walnuts. But of course, The Amazing Benny's eyes are not what they used to be..."
42-
"Good afternoon, ladies," says Sherlock Holmes to three women sitting on a park bench as he and his good friend Dr. Watson are taking an afternoon stroll through the park in London.
When they are out of earshot from the three women, Dr. Watson asks, "I say, Holmes, do you know those ladies back there?"
"No, Watson," replies Holmes, "I don't know the spinster, the prostitute and the new bride."
Astonished, Watson asks again in a surprised voice, "Good heavens, Holmes! If you don't know them, how can you be sure that they are who you say they are?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson," replies Holmes. "Have you noticed how those women are eating the bananas as we pass by?"
"Yes so what about it?" wonders Watson.
"Well, the spinster holds the banana in her left hand and uses her right hand to break the banana into small pieces which she puts in her mouth."
"Amazing," says the smiling Watson. "What about the prostitute?"
"Simple! Have you observed how the prostitute holds the banana in both hands and crams it into her mouth?"
Eyes widening with discovery, Watson exclaims, "You're right, Holmes! I never thought of that. How about the new bride?"
Flashing a wide grin, Holmes explains, "The new bride holds the banana in her left hand and uses her right hand to push her head towards the banana."
43-
BOHEMIAN CURRY (Sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody)
Naan-aa, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle, now he’s dead.
Naan-naa, dinner just begun
But now I’m going to crap it all away.
Naan-aa, ooh-ooh
Didn’t mean to make you cry,
Seen nothin’ yet just see the loo tomorrow,
Curry on, Curry on,
‘cause nothing really madras.
Too late, my dinner’s gone
Sends shivers up my spine
Rectum aching all the time.
Goodbye every bhaji, I’ve got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use loo.
Naa-na, ooh ooh,
This Dopiaza’s mild,
I Sometimes wish we’d never come here at all....
(Guitar solo)
I see a little chicken tikka on the side,
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh
pass the chutney made of mango.
Vindaloo does nicely
Very very spicey
ME
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani and a naan,
(A vindaloo loo loooo..)
I’ve eaten balti, somebody help me
He’s eaten balti, get him to a lavatory
Stand you well back
Cause this loo is quarantined.
Here it comes,
There it goes,
technicolor yawn.
I chunder
No
It’s coming up again
(There he goes) I chunder
It’s coming up again
(There he goes) It’s coming up again, (Up again)
Coming up again (up again)
Here it comes again
(No no no no no non o no no No)
On my knees, I’m on my knees, I’m on my knees
Oh there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor me....Poor me...Poor me !
(Guitar solo)
So you think you can chunder and still it’s alright ?
So you want to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Ohh maybe, now you’ll puke like a baby,
Just had to come out,
Just had to come right out in here....
(Guitar solo)
Korma, saag or bhuna,
Balti, naan, bhaji.
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference to me
(Anyway, my wind blows.)
44-
How our GCSE students re-invented history
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they wrote in hydraulics.
The climate of the Sarah is such the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book-Guinessis - Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One
of their children, Cain, asked 'Am I my brother's son?'
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying,he gasped out 'Tee hee, Brutus.'
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems verses and
literature.
Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen'. When she exposed herself before her troops, they shouted 'Hurrah'
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure. He invented cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the globe with a 100ft clipper.
The greatest writer was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly his birthday. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. John Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when apples are falling off the trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf, he wrote loud music.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East. And the sun sets in the West.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin, which he built with his own hands.
Another good story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple as he stood on his son's head.
45-
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories.
As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi-stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"
Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he recognized him. The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before." The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle.
The driver replied: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
Doyle said: "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."
"There is one other thing," the driver said. "What is that?"
"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."
46-
This young man was going golfing one day, but he wasn't very good. He had been hitting the ball in the rough, the water, and soon a sand trap. By the time he hit the sand trap he was very annoyed. So he stood there swinging at the ball but missing and in the process digging a hole. Soon he hit something hard (not the golf ball). He bent over and dug it up to see what it was. When he had it uncovered he found an old oil lamp. He thought to himself, and began to rub the lamp. To his surprise and delight a fat old Genie came from the lamp in a huge puff of smoke. "Wow ten-thousand years in a lamp!! I have soo many things to do and to see!!", exclaimed the Genie. "Now I know you want your three wishes, but I am going to be very busy, so if you write them down on a piece of paper I will get to them as soon as I can."
The guy thought that would be fine, so he wrote down his three wishes, gave them to the Genie and went home.
A couple of weeks had passed since the encounter and the man had begun to forget about the Genie and his wishes. One day the man was at his house when the doorbell rang. There was a UPS man at the door with a very large package for him. The man signed for it and took it inside. He opened the package to find that it was a huge box of Dates and Grain cereal.
"Dates and Grain cereal, where the hell did this come from," he wondered. The man began looking through his things to see if he could find out where he had asked or ordered a huge box of Dates and Grain cereal. While he was looking he came across his list of wishes. He looked at the first wish, 1: A Great Dane. "No, he thought to himself. He couldn't be that dumb." The Genie had given him Dates and Grain cereal instead of a Great Dane.
"Oh well, anyone can make a mistake," he thought.
About a week later the man received another package, he signed for it and then opened it. He found a Zebco fishing rod.
"What is this, when did I get one of these," exclaimed the man. He thought about what happened last time he got a package that he didn't know about. "My second wish was for a fast car not something that casts far!! That damn Genie!"
The next day the man was at his home when there was a knock at his door, he opened it and there was a guy standing at the door.
"Hi my name is Blob, Joe Blob, and I will be with you every Saturday night from now on!"
47-
One night, the sheriff was making his 3am rounds. As he pulls up the main street, he finds two big rig trucks parked in the middle of the street with the lights on and the doors wide open.
He decides to go and investigate. As he climbs up into the first cab he sees that it`s empty. He thinks to himself..."Maybe they`re in the other truck conferring over a map." So he takes a look in the second truck and sees it's empty also.
As he's walking back to the patrol car to call for a tow truck, he hears sounds coming from underneath one of the trailers. He shines his light and sees two truck drivers, one on his knees and the other one kneeling behind him going at it. The sheriff says "Hey! You can`t do that here in the middle of the street. It`s illegal!" The truck driver in back says, "You don`t understand. My buddy was having a heart attack."
The sheriff replies, "That`s not what you do for a heart attack. You`re supposed to give mouth to mouth
rescucitation!"
To that the truck driver says, "I did! That`s what got this started!"
48-
LIFE magazine sends out one of its reporters to the Appalachian Mountains to gather life stories from the people living in those mountains. When the reporter reaches the area, he climbs up a mountain and there he encounters an old man sitting on a rocking chair in the front porch of his log cabin.
"Good morning, sir!" says the reporter. "I'm a reporter from LIFE magazine. I'm here to gather life stories from the folks living in this area. Do you have any memorable stories to tell?"
The old man thinks for a while and then says with a smile, "I remember the day when my neighbor's sheep got lost in yonder mountains. So me and the boys went off looking for that darn sheep and we brought along some food and moonshine. When we found that sheep, we took turns humping it under the lemon tree. We had a grand time eating, drinking and fornicating."
The reporter is so dumbfounded by what he has just heard that it takes a while before he can say anything. Then he tells the old man, "That's, ahh, an, ahh, interesting story, sir, but I can't use that in the magazine. Do you have any other memorable stories to tell?"
"Let's see," the old man tries to remember something and then he grins as he narrates the story. "I remember the day when my neighbor's daughter got lost in yonder mountains. So me and the boys went off looking for that darn girl and we brought along some food and moonshine. When we found that girl, we took turns humping her under the lemon tree. We had a great time eating, drinking and fornicating."
This exasperates the reporter who says in a frustrated voice, "Listen, sir! My magazine won't allow even that story to be printed. How about some sad stories? Do you have any sad stories to tell?"
This time, the old man looks sad and says, "Well, I remember the day when I got lost in yonder mountains ..."
49-
Interview with Neil Armstrong
Interviewer
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a
man, one giant leap for mankind", were televised to Earth and heard by millions.
Neil Armstrong
Actually that was not what I said. It's been misquoted for the last 25 years but until now I couldn't tell anyone what I really said.
Interviewer
That's amazing Neil, can you tell us now then?
Neil Armstrong
The first words I said after stepping on to the moon's surface were "That's one small step for a
man, one giant leap for Manny Klein"
Interviewer
Who is Manny Klein?
Neil Armstrong
A very dear friend of mine who sadly passed away last month. We were drinking buddies for years and he'd always said how terrific sex was with his wife but he couldn't persuade her to give him a blow job. Her answer was always the same. "The day they put a man on the moon, that's the day you get a blow job from me!"
50-
Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Chris: -I reckon he's an accountant.
James: -No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris: -He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Chris: -Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: -No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris: -Oh! What's that then?
Suit:-I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris:-Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: -Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Chris: -It's in a pond!
Suit: -Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chris: -As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: -Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?
Chris: -As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: -Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Chris: -Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!
Suit: -Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris:-Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: -Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chris: -Me? Never
Suit: -Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris:-How's that then?
Suit: -Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!
Chris: -I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: -I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: -Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James: -What's that then?
Chris: -I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James: -Nope
Chris: -Well then, you're a wanker.
51-
The wit and the wisdom of Homer J. Simpson
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.' "
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty.'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.' "
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't- it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?"
"We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"
"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'
52-
Mr. Johnson had been chosen by the board of a large software company as CEO. On the first day he took office as CEO, Mr. Johnson received three numbered envelopes and a note from the former CEO. In the note, the former CEO wished his successor good luck in running the company. Furthermore, the former CEO explained that he left these three envelopes containing advice. Each envelope should only be opened in the event of a crisis the company would face for which the current CEO would find himself to resolve. The only condition was that each envelope should be opened according to the numbered sequence. Mr. Johnson thought nothing of the envelopes which he placed in his desk drawer.
After two months in office, Mr. Johnson faced the first crisis. There was a delay in the launching of the company's latest software and as a result, the stockmarket value of the company's shares went down. In desperation, Mr. Johnson took out the envelopes from his desk drawer and opened the envelope marked "1." The note in the envelope said "Blame your predecessor." So, Mr. Johnson called a press conference and subtly blamed his predecessor for the delay. He then went on to assure the media and the public that the newest would be in the market in thirty days. With this said, the crisis died down as the company was able to launch the software which proved to be a big hit. Mr. Johnson was able to keep his job.
After fifteen successive quarters of rising profit, the company then experienced a sudden dip in profits as recession was underway. Again Mr. Johnson took out the envelopes and opened the envelope marked "2." In the envelope was a note that said, "Reorganize." So Mr. Johnson embarked on a downsizing program that cut expenses for the company and restored profitability.
After five years since the recession was over, the company faced the gravest crisis that might put it out of business. A new upstart company was able to introduce into the market a new software that was much much better than the company's current product. As a result, the sales of the current product went down drastically and there were
rumours that the company was a target for a hostile takeover. Mr. Johnson opened the last envelope in the hopes of finding a solution to the current crisis. However, the note in the last envelope simply said, "Prepare three envelopes."
53-
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana."
54-
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the
centre aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
55-
It was After Eight when Éclair suggested we took Time Out and went upstairs for a Magic Moment.
Once in the bedroom I felt the soft rise of her Strawberry Cups against me, her Fruit Jellies swelling in my hands like Glacé Cherries. I slipped off her dress and peeled down her Snickers, running my hand through her Curly Wurly I slid a finger or two down into her Dairy Box and delicately stroked her soft centred Strawberry Delight.
"I've got the Munchies," she said and dropped to her knees. She unzipped me and took out my Nut Cluster, sucking first one, then the other Whole Nut. She then unfurled the wrapper of my lollipop running her tongue up and down
the length of it and began to liquorise the purple gob-stopper.
Wispa sweet nothings.Terry, she murmered as she pushed me onto my back. She straddled me and lowered her Noisette Triangle onto my face. Her Flapjacks were open and inviting - made to make your mouth water. I buried my face in her Fondant Cream and my tongue quickly located her little man in the Strawberry Boat.
I began to nibble and Chewit and she continue to suck my now throbbing Crystalised Plum. She crawled towards on all petit fours, ending up kneeling in front of
me, with her Raspberry Roulade pushed high in the air. I rammed my stick of rock into her pink Love Heart.
"Fudge me! Fudge me harder! Harder!" she moaned. Then she cried, "Walnut Whip me! Fudge me in Mars!"
I started slapping her marshmallows until they glowed like Roses. I worked a Chocolate finger into her puckering little Ginger Surprise. Then I slid my marblised sugarstick out of her Milky Way and eased it slowly into the Bournville boulevard.
From the soft verges of Quality Street to the dark, narrow passageway of Black Magic. "Oh, my sweet", I groaned. "What Turkish Delight."
My aniseed balls were aching. Her hand came back and gripped my humbugs as her Chocolate Whirl tightened around the Big One. It was all too much. I only managed a couple more thrusts before I cried Chocs Away! And I exploded in a Starbust of Crème Eggs and rich, dark chocolate.
It takes Allsorts, I say.
56-
A Navy Admiral, a Marine General and an Army General were having some drinks at the officer's club in a major military base. After a few rounds of iced tea, the Navy Admiral boasted, "You know, the Navy has the bravest fighting men ever to serve in the Armed Forces. I can prove it to you all." Before the others could protest, the Admiral proceeded to phone his headquarter and asked for the best Navy Seal in his command to come to the officers' club. The Marine General and the Army General also called for their best soldiers to come over to the officers' club. Within a half an hour's time, a Navy Seal, an Army Ranger and a Marine commando arrived one after the other at the officers' club.
After the soldiers had saluted their commanders, the Navy Admiral instructed his man, "This is what I want you to do now... See that 100-feet steep cliff with an eagle's nest on its top across the sea ?" He pointed through an window facing the sea. "I want you to swim across that shark-infested sea, scale that steep cliff and bring me a couple of bird eggs without a crack." The Navy Seal said, "Consider it done, sir!", gave a quick salute and ran outside the officers' club. He then jumped into the shark-infested sea, swam across the sea fighting off the meanest sharks and proceeded to scale the cliff barehanded to reach the nest. Upon reaching the nest, he had to fight off an angry eagle to get the eggs. Then he returned via the same route and upon reaching the officers' club, presented two uncracked eggs to the Navy Admiral who was beaming with pride.
The Marine General said, "That's chicken feed. I will show who's braver." Turning to the Marine commando, the general said, "I want you swim across that shark-infested sea to that island just beside the steep cliff, run 4 miles through the jungle towards the highest mountain in the island and bring me two hawk eggs uncracked." The Marine commando just grunted, gave a quick salute and raced out of the officers' club. He then jumped into the shark- infested sea towards the island - fighting off hungry sharks along the way. He then raced through 4 miles of treacherous jungle fighting off tigers, wild boars and snakes along the way to reach the highest mountain on the island. He then found the nest of a hawk and proceeded to gather two eggs fighting off the angry hawk. Returning via the same route fighting off the usual predators, the Marine commando then presented two uncracked hawk eggs to the Marine General who was proud of his man's daring feat.
The Army General then said, "You think that's brave. Watch this." Turning to the Army Ranger, he commanded, "I want you to do what the Navy Seal just did, then do what the Marine commando just did and bring back to me a pair of eagle eggs and a pair of hawk eggs with not a crack on these." The Army Ranger looked at the general, then looked across the sea and looked back at the general. Instead of saying yes, he just shouted at the general, "SCREW YOU, SIR!", gave a quick salute and walked out of the officers' club.
The Navy Admiral and the Marine General were both aghast and dumbfounded at such behavior but the Army General just sighed, "That, my friends, is the bravest son-of-a-bitch of a soldier ever to serve in the armed forces!"
57-
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
58-
Dave is struggling through the Dallas airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a man stops him and says "Pardon me, do you have the time?"
Dave sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to three", he says.
"Thanks, that's a pretty fancy watch", says the man.
Dave smiles. "Yes, I invented it. Check this out.", and he shows him a time zone display, not just for every time zone on earth but for the one hundred largest cities. He hits a few buttons and from inside the watch a voice with a Southwestern accent says "It's twelve minutes to three, pardner."
"And listen to this", says Dave, pushing the code for London England. "It's eleven minutes before ten, old chap", says a voice with a British accent.
"The voice quality is incredible, isn't it," says Dave, "but that's not all...here's a street map of Dallas." And a tiny but very high-resolution map appears on the screen. "The flashing dot shows exactly where we are by satellite positioning" Dave explains..."and if you want to see a larger area, just say aloud 'Recede'." and the display changes to show the State map of Texas.
"I can't believe this" says the man. "I want to buy your watch."
"Oh, no," says Dave, "I'm still working out the bugs...it's not ready for sale yet, but look at this." And he
demonstrates the watch's menu of one hundred Hollywood films, the complete works of Shakespeare, the nine symphonies of Beethoven and the complete works of Mozart played by the London Philharmonic Orchestra.
"I've gotta have this watch" says the man. "Name your price."
"No, sorry," says Dave, "it's still not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it."
"I've already spent more than that developing it."
"OK, $5000", says the man.
"But it's not ready" explains Dave once again.
"Look" says the man, opening his briefcase. "Here's $25000 in hundreds. Take it or leave it."
Dave hesitates. He has only invested about $8000 in time and materials. With $25,000, he can make another, and add some new features. "OK, it's a deal", says Dave, slipping the watch off his wrist and handing it to the man, as he accepts the packets of bills.
They shake hands and the man starts happily on his way.
"Hey, wait a minute!" calls Dave. The man turns around warily. Dave points to the two suitcases he had been struggling with to get through the terminal. "Here," says Dave, "Don't forget your batteries."
59-
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills (or lack thereof), he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!"
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, then told him he had the job. Dancing with joy, the armless man tripped and plunged from the belfry to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop resumed interviews for post of bellringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. As you can see, I'm more blessed than he in that I have two strong arms, the better to strike the bells. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened?", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
60-
A young peasant girl went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss notice to quit. The boss was quite unhappy about letting her leave, as she was hard working and diligent. So he called her into his office,
"Why do you want to leave?" He asked.
"No reason. I just want quit." She said sullenly.
"If you stay I’ll give you a rise." Says the boss.
"No thanks." She replies
"You can't just quit like this. There must be a reason. Please tell me."
"Okay if you must know..." Says the girl, taking off her underwear and point to her pubic hair. "Look, since I started working here, broom bristles have started growing!"
Tickled by her innocence, the boss takes off his underwear and shows the girl his pubes. "See my dear it's only nature. I have it too..."
"Oh NO!" Sobs the girl, "I can't wait two weeks, I’ve got to quit now! Not only have you got the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well!"
61-
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.
"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, Mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat, and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping; and, besides, I've just sprained my ankle, and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess, and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight.
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby, and I know this great repairman who will be at your house promptly to fix the washing machine. Now stop crying. I'll take care of everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
"Why George! Your husband! ........ Is this 223-1374?"
"No, this is 223-1375."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I dialed the wrong number, but your voice sounds just like my daughter's."
There was a short pause, and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over, after all?"
62-
Farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
It had been a cold night but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter?" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cow's noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No," said the farmer.
"Thora Hird," replied the passer-by.
63-
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing until our busboy came with water & tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his breast-pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc., had spoons in their pockets.
When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?" "Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Price Waterhouse efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time ... nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replace a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask." "No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but ... uh ... why, or what ...about that string?" "Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too." "How's that?" "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking thru the process, I asked, "Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon."
64-
Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose.
When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals - you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."
"That's baloney", says one of the hunters.
"Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chickenshit. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts. He wasn't afraid to take off!"
"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it. I can fly as well as anybody!" They loaded up, taxied at full throttle. The plane almost made it, but didn't have enough lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt, dazed, and suffering from a broken jaw, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around, and said "I'd say...About a hundred yards further than last year..."
65-
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line.
"How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."
The businessman said, "Ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.
66-
My uncle was in the fertilised egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilise the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter. My uncle's favourite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
67-
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually join in... one day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm stretched out... "Stop!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "Ok," he said, and she went on her way.
Taking the corner near the tv lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her, and shouted, "Stop! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag and pulled out a beer coaster, held it up to him, and he allowed her to carry on.
Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her.... stark naked, and holding a sizeable erection in his hand.
"Oh, NO," said Ethel, "not the breathalyzer again !"
68-
Two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very S L O W L Y tells the first guy, "I was almost married"
The first guy says in amazement "Hey; you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, " Yes, well I went to the doctor and he told me that if I spoke slowly I wouldn’t stutter."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he "was almost married".
"Well, my fiancee and I were sitting on the sofa and the dog was scratching his back and I said to her that when we are married she could do that for me - and that’s when she threw the ring in my face”
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
"Well I speak so slowly that by the time she turned round to look at the dog he was licking his balls”
69-
A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas 3-kick rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas 3-kick rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first you stand there and I kick you three times and then I stand there while you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's MY turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck!"
70-
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her.
She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.
She hummed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."
The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have any children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."
She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby.
She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to look after."
71-
Martha and Edna, two widows, are talking.
Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date . . . I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a beautiful car . . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. . .marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an
ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me twice!"
Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No . . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress.
72-
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.
The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to have the body buried here, this only cost about $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George, "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance."
73-
Tale from a BMW Driver.
The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn't Believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway (the driver of the car behind me did realize his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.)!
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane (why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?).
Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 120 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph. Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he
shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realized it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realized I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to go to court and show them. The man also said if I carried on like this they would take my drivers licence away! Can you imagine no need for a drivers licence?
See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a BMW!
74-
Defence Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old
Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch, on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes walking up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my husband passed away some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honour, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so excited that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defence Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!
75-
Two guys in a bar...
One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!"
" Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the
kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he ..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house."
76-
Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions.
However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera. It's to my parents' house in Philadelphia for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes. He bought me a Honda."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
77-
One day a man got a job as a driver at a children's home for the blind.
His first task was to take some of the boys for a trip to the seaside. When they arrived he asked the kids what they wanted to do.
One lad said, "We want to play football on the beach!"
The driver was surprised and replied, "How do you go about that then?"
"It's simple really. " another boy said, "We have a special football which has bells inside it so we can follow the sound and play a game."
And with that he picked the ball out of his bag, shook it and it duly jingled.
The driver was suitably impressed and sure enough within a few minutes the kids were having a five-a-side match down on the sand.
He watched them quite happily for a while and when he saw that they were amusing themselves safely, he decided he would sneak off for a pint in a pub on the promenade.
He was just sitting down in the pub to sup on his ale when a man suddenly rushed in, looking agitated.
The man ran up to the barman and shouted, "Quick!! Quick!! Call the Police!! There's a bunch of yobboes down on the beach kicking a Morris dancer to death!!"
78-
Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital in the Scotish highlands. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to greet the first and the chap replies:
"FAIR fa' your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin'.race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
As lang 's my arm."
Tony, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. He replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit."
The third starts rattling off as follows:
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!"
Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward this is. A mental ward?
"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
79-
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.
'I've got you a job' says his agent.
'That's great' says the actor, what is it?'
'Well' says his agent 'it's a one-liner'
'That's okay' replies the actor, 'I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?'
'Hark I hear the cannons roar' says the agent.
'I love it' says the actor
'When's the audition?'
'Wednesday' says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: 'Hark I hear the cannons roar'.
'Brilliant' says the director, 'you've got the job, be here 9o'clock Saturday evening'.
The actor is so chuffed he got the job that he goes on a major bender.
He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; 'Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar'. He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer.
'Who the hell are you?' asks the bouncer. 'I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar' 'You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', you're late, get up to makeup straight away', So he runs up to make up.
'Who the hell are you' asks the makeup girl.
'I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar''
'You're hark I hear the cannons roar', you're late, sit down here' and she applies the makeup. 'Now quick, get down to the stage,
you're about to go on'.
So he dashes down to the stage. 'Who the hell are you' asks the stage manager. 'I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar''
'You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', get on there, the curtains about to go up' So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the
house is full.
Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts 'WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?'
80-
Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Leroy says, “Hey, Jasper, there’s the Officer’s Club. Let’s you and me stop in.”
“But we’re privates,” protests Jasper.
“We’re sergeants now,” says Leroy, pulling him inside. “Now, Jasper, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drink.”
“But we’s privates,” says Jasper.
“You blind?” asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. “We’re sergeants now.” So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. “Your cute,” she says, “and I’d like to give you the time of your life...” and then adds, “but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.” Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what ‘gonorrhea’ means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.”
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. “Jasper,” he says, “why’d you give me the okay?” “Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates. “ He points to his stripes. “But, we’re sergeants now.”
81-
How our GCSE students re-invented history (Part 2)
Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of river to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
82-
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.
"I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could...
"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
83-
The Queen and Princess Anne are out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car. "Give us the money", they shout at the Queen.
"But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for money."
"Oh, shit", says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Anne. "Give us yer jewels."
"But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions."
The armed robbers look fed up, when suddenly they hear the sound of wailing sirens approaching. "Quick, out of the car! We'll have the Range Rover at least," and with that the robbers drive off.
As the Queen and Anne are waiting for the Police to get there, Anne turns to the Queen, "What did you do with all the cash you had? You're always loaded."
"Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that only women have." Reaching under her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes. "And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewellery, my dear." The Queen says to Anne.
"Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have." Reaching down she plucks out her jewellery.
They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Anne "You know, if Fergie had been with us, we would still have the Range Rover."
84-
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.
"Naw, sir, they all be my young uns," the old man replied with a sly grin.
"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"
"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."
"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."
"Thass right." said the old man with pride.
"Well surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she is only 19," the reporter remarked.
"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."
"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"
"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em."
85-
While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter. She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read, "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle."
She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, But it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a violin. She asked him if she could see it. He agreed, and to their amazement, she started playing the instrument with what seemed a natural talent. She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't.
She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis." She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden, to her embarrassment, she expels a great deal of noisy wind. She wondered about the fortune, and again
was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know.
She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex." She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy for a long time and had been sexless for almost a year. She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and she almost melted. The chemistry was incredible. They both knew that they were right for each other and that they were soul mates. They
held hands, then quickly ducked into the alley and began to kiss. Before they knew it they were making mad love.
The woman was so amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., You've Fiddled, You've Farted, You've Screwed around, and now you've missed your bus!"
86-
Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen Guinevere's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes."
Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity.
Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.
Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment.
However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion onto King Arthur's loincloth. And Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King.
Moral of the story: Pay your bills.
87-
There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"
The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw.
He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.
He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."
88-
These two guys had just got divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies, "I caught him in bed with my board!"
89-
On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander. The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of £100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice. The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up. "I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr!" replies the man of war. "Excellent," says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's £7000." Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. "Excellent," replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's £7500." Thirdly he asks the explosives expert. "I'll have measured the tip of my dick to he end of my balls sahr!" The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!" The soldier smiles at him and says "Falkland Islands sahr!"
90-
Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys. "No, signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "No" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she beings to breath again. The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer. His partner says in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
91-
There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"My God, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree !!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right" says Pepe, "Praise the Lord!"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to! within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe, Pepe - what the hell happened?"....
With his dying breath Pepe calls out ... .Ugh, run , run ! ... it wasn't a Bacon Tree it was a........Ham Bush
92-
Norm goes to a shearing shed for a few months work, and after two weeks he starts feeling horny and goes up to the station master and has a quiet word in his ear. "Listen mate, I'm feeling kinda horny, and this being me first time at a
shearing shed, I was wondering what a fella's gotta do around here for a root?" "Well," said the station master. "There's old Fred out back. Every now and then the blokes fuck him when there ain't no skirt around." Norm looked at the station master with shock. "No fuckin way, mate. I ain't fuckin no god damn man!" and Norm stormed off in a rage. Two weeks later, Norms balls were on fire. His cock was red raw through wanking, yet he was desperate for some human contact. Norm walked up to the station master and said, "Listen mate, I'm desperate, I need a root so damn bad. Is that Fred still available?" The station master tells Norm that old Fred was still available and that he would bring him around straight away. Norm then said to the station master, "Could we keep this our little secret, I don't really like the idea of fucking a man, and the fewer people who know about it the better." The station master looked at Norm with those understanding eyes that come with spending many years in the outback and said, "Sure, only the five of us will ever know." "What the fuck!" said Norm, "Five of us? 'What the hell do you mean the five of us?'" "Well, there's you ... me ... Fred, and the two blokes that have gotta hold him down, cause he don't like it either!"
93-
Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house.
After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.
Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There's just one problem" explains the model " because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?"
"That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asks the model.
"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings." replies Doris.
"Good" says the model " that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave her pussy especially when modelling swim wear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath -
Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.
Later Fed returns and they retire to bed.
"Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred. "Yes" he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat?"
"Just to show you the difference" answers Doris "but anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times?"
"Yes" says Fred "I have...but the rest of the fucking darts team haven't."
94-
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.
"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
95-
They had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation. But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well endowed.
"I say, that's a remarkable dong you have there old boy," Fred was prompted to remark.
"Wasn't always that way," replied Chas. "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said. "I got this done in Harley St, England. Cost a thousand quid, but as you can see, well worth every penny."
Fred was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and drove to Harley St, first thing.
It was a good six months later before he ran into his old friend once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.
"But Chas, I will tell you something else," said Fred. "You were diddled. I got mine for £500, not a thousand."
Chas could hardly believe it. Same address in Harley St, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could have a look.
Once more they lined up at the porcelain and when Chas took a peek over the partition the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. "No wonder," he laughed. "That's my old one!"
96-
Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Lately, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This boy was my half brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and you think you have family problems."
97-
Two farmers are in the pub having a beer Both are skint and in dire need of some money All they have is one pig each, and if by luck one is male and the other female So after having a few more beers they hit on a marvellous plan to make money By mating the two pigs they will have lots of little piggies to sell So the next morning at the crack of the dawn, the farmer with the female pig gets up Dumps the pig in a wheel barrow and walks around to his mates farm He introduces her to the male pig and after much sniffing, serious bonking ensues How will I know she's pregnant enquires the first farmer.
Easily replies the other, when you get up, look at the pig and if she's rolling in mud she's pregnant If she 's eating grass she isn't so you will have to come back.
Next morning comes and the farmer dashes to the window And the pig is happily eating grass in the field Damn he says going downstairs and grabs the pig and puts her in the wheel barrow He trundles off to the other farm and more bonking ensues.
This goes on all week with no success So on the Sunday morning the farmer tells the wife to look out the window and tell him what the bloody pig is doing "Is she eating grass ?" he asks
"NO" says the wife.
"Is she rolling in the mud?"
"No" says the wife.
"What the hell she doing then" he cries.
"She's sat in the wheel barrow waiting for you!"
98-
Bert was the stationmaster of a rather large property out west. One day he needed some fencing work done to one of the station boundaries, so he called on Bill, one of his local stockmen.
"Bill, I want you to go out to Bennet's boundary and fix the fence there. You can take the four-wheel drive vehicle and if you have any trouble give me a call on the two-way radio".
So Bill set off. Ten hours later Bert got a call on the two-way. "Boss, this is Bill. I've got a bit of a problem".
"Yes mate, what is it?"
"Well, I was driving along in the four-wheel drive and I ran into a pig"
"So, what's the problem?"
"Well, he got stuck in the bull bars and he's still alive and kicking and squealing so much that I can't get him free."
"Okay mate, in the back of the four-wheel drive you'll find a .303. Take it out. Put the muzzle close to the pig's head and shoot it. It'll go limp and you'll be able to get it off the bull bar. Then drag it into the bush and leave it"
"Okay boss, Ill do that. Thanks for your help."
About a quarter of an hour later, there was another call.
"Yes Bill, what is it?'
"Well, I took the .303, shot the pig in the head and he went limp just like you said. And I got him off the bull bar and dumped him in the bush but I still can't go on"
"Why not mate?"
"Well, it's his motorbike. It's still stuck under the four-wheel drive"
99-
The founder of an international nail company wants a new ad campaign, so he hires an ad agency to come up with a good tv commercial for his Wilson Nails. Tens of thousands of dollars later, the ad agency has a meeting with the director to premier their commercial.
The ad begins with a flying shot that zooms over a mountain (to stirring music, of course!) and begins closing in on three figures on the hillside. It zooms closer and closer and the viewers can now tell two of the men are dressed as guards and are nailing the third to a cross. The camera continues to zoom in - right up to the Wilson symbol on the head of the nail protruding from the crucified man's hand. "Wilson nails - for the toughest jobs." says the announcer.
Well, the head of Wilson Nails is livid. He cannot believe the ad agency was so flippant with the religious angle. He demands that they
re-shoot the commercial for free - and they better come up with something good this time or they're fired.
After another few weeks, the ad agency has just completed re-shooting the commercial and the head of Wilson wants it aired right away - he has no time to preview it this time, trusting them to have fixed the problem.
He is at home that night when the commercial airs. As before, the camera flies over the mountain and begins closing in on two figures this time. It gets closer and closer, until the viewers see the two guards standing beside a lone cross. In the distance, a man with a sheet around his waist can be seen running down the mountain. One guard turns to the other and says, "See, I told you we should have used Wilson Nails."
100-
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbour was also a chicken farmer. The neighbour came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbour stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbour said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."
Another two weeks went by, and the neighbour stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbour asked, "what went wrong? What did you do to them?"
Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."
101-
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida retirement community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."
102-
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire Departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!”
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company’s secret files.
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone’s amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.
After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said - “The first thing we’re going to do is fix the fuckin’ brakes on that truck!”
103-
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the Engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there." The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?" the Engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."
104-
This girl is feeling a bit down in the dumps and decides to treat herself to a meal at the Ritz. She manages to get a table that very night and enjoys a delicious meal on her own, nothing too extravagant but nice all the same. The head waiter brings the bill and she's horrified to see the total: 150 bucks! She didn't expect this at all and asks the waiter "Would you mind holding my breasts while I write the check please?"
The head waiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he's never been asked that before, but always eager to please the customer, he obliges. She gets up to leave and the waiter is still perplexed.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he catches up with her at the door, "I'm sorry to bother you Miss but I'd like to know why you asked me to do that just now."
"Oh it's quite simple really" she replies "I love to have my breasts held when I'm being screwed!!!"
105-
Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper.
Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.
The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.
At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.
The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.
The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."
So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.
The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.
The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.
Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,... Think you can do better than that?"
The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!"
106-
A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"
107-
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what
else do you know?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
108-
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
109-
Lisa, a strikingly beautiful young Brunette, sat across the table from William, in a fancy restaurant. She smiled as William finished proposing to her. "I'm not sure, let me think about it." she answered. William was crushed but kept his composure. After dinner they went to her place.
The mood was romantic and William was eager to make love to Lisa. She stopped him and said "Before we get married or even make love, I want you to buy me something" "Sure my love, you name it. A car, a pearl necklace, diamond earrings, you name it." "I want a solid gold Boy Scout knife."
Stunned William asked, "But why? I can buy you anything you want. Why must it be a solid gold Boy Scout knife?" "I can't tell you, but I won't make love to you until I get one." William searched high and low but couldn't find the knife. Desperate, he had a jeweler make one for him.
The next time they met at her place for a romantic evening, he again suggested they make love. Again she said she couldn't without first receiving the solid gold Boy Scout knife. With a smile he handed her a small gift wrapped box. She carefully opened it and saw the knife.
They went off to the bedroom where she opened a large hope chest at the foot of her bed. She placed the knife inside, but not before William saw the contents of the hope chest. It was filled with solid gold Boy Scout knifes. "What's this? The whole thing is filled with gold knifes?" "I can't tell you" she replied.
After several minutes of badgering she finally relented and said "someday I will be older. My hair will turn grey, my face will start to get wrinkles and my beauty will fade. Who will want me then? But, do you know what a Boy scout would do for one of these knifes?"
110-
During World War II, this British pilot was shot down while on a bombing mission over Germany. He sustained terrible injuries when he crash landed, but he was pulled unconscious from his plane and taken to a German military hospital to recover. When he regained consciousness a few days later, a kindly German doctor was at his bedside.
"Major Howe," said the doctor, "the injuries that you received when your plane crashed are most severe. Both of your legs and both of your arms have extensive damage. In fact, your right leg has been crushed so badly that we will have to amputate it immediately. I realise how terrible this must make you feel. I am a doctor first, and a German second. If I can do anything to comfort you, please do not hesitate to ask."
"Well Doctor," replied Major Howe, "There is something that you can do for me. Can you give my amputated leg to the Luftwaffe and ask them to drop it over England during their next bombing mission? I'd jolly well feel a whole lot better if my leg wound up in good old England."
"I see no problem with that," said the doctor. "Consider it done." So after the operation, the doctor gave the amputated leg to a German officer with instructions to drop it over England. Unfortunately, two days later the doctor had to give Major Howe some more bad news.
"Major Howe," said the doctor. "I'm afraid that gangrene has set in on your left leg, and it too must be amputated. Any requests?"
"Yes," he replied. "Could you drop that leg over England also?"
"Ja," said the doctor, and after the operation, he gave your man's leg to the same German officer and asked him to dispose of it as before.
One week later, the doctor had still more bad news for the Major.
"Major Howe," said the doctor, "We have done absolutely everything in our power to save your two arms, but I'm afraid that gangrene has set in on both of them and we must amputate immediately. Can I assume that ..."
"Yes," interrupted the Major, "If you would be so kind, old boy, please see that both of my arms are dropped over good old England."
The doctor promised to take care of his request and he again asked the same German officer to drop the amputated limbs over England. This time, however, the officer became perturbed and insisted on speaking with the British pilot.
"So," said the German officer, "You are the pilot who wanted his right leg dropped over England?"
"Yes," replied Major Howe. "Jolly good. That's right."
"Hmmmm. And then you wanted your left leg dropped over England?"
"Yes," replied the Major. "That's correct too."
"And now you say you want both of your arms dropped over England?"
"Correct again," replied the Major.
"Hmmmm, very interesting," mused the suspicious German officer. "Tell me something Major, you're not trying to escape are you?"
111-
It was autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets, so when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect Every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!'
112-
These two knight lads are riding through a forest in medieval England when they come upon a peasant gathering sticks. "Lo there, yon farmer!" exclaims one of the knights, "Why dost thou labor in this forest at so late an hour? There be hostile beasts and men of military about."
"I beg thy forgiveness my lords," replies the peasant, "but my hearth fire did burn to nothing of late, and my animals are bleating with discomfort."
"Very well," responds the knight, "then go thee about your task with haste." The knight then lowers his voice and leans closer to the peasant. "But I pray thee, hast thou recently seen another knight in this forest, clad as we? His armour be of green hue and painted upon his shield be a rampant griffin."
"My apologies lords, but no. This night I hath seen no one in the forest save thee."
The knights thank the peasant and continue on their way. Only a short while later they come upon a milkmaid leading a cow along their path. "Halt there, fair young woman! This is not the time for the movement of cattle!" exclaims one of the knights. "Hostile beasts and men of military move in this forest during the night."
"Forgive me sire," responds the maid, "but the young son of my mistress is ill and requires nutrition. All of there cattle are bare, and she did ask that I bring to her a replacement post haste."
"Very well," responds the knight, "bring her the cow but be thee fleet." He then leans closer to the maid and lowers his voice. "But I pray thee, ponder deeply and then reply, hast thou recently seen another knight in this forest, clad as we? His armour be of green hue and painted upon his shield be a rampant griffin."
"No sire," replies the maid, "this unsavory character I have not seen. I would remember such an image."
The knights thank the maid and continue on their way. A short while later one of the knights lifts his visor and turns to the other, "Where the fuck is Steve?"
113-
Here's a really touching little story we came across. It's about this young postal worker who was working in a Dublin sorting office, and whose job it was to handle all the letters and parcels that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came in, addressed in this very shaky and spidery handwriting, and written to none other than God.
The young lad thought to himself: "Janey Mac, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read: "Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow from Raheny, living on a very small pension and the free bus pass. Yesterday a nasty young man on the street stole my purse. It had two of those new 50-euro notes in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. The trouble is that next Sunday is the double episode of 'Fair City' on the television, and I had invited two of my pals over for dinner. Without that money though, I've nothing to buy any food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"
The lad in the post office was really touched, so he went around showing the letter to all his workmates. Each of them dug into his pocket or wallet and came up with a euro or two. By the time he'd made the rounds, the young lad had collected 96 euros, which they bunged into an envelope and posted to the pensioner. The rest of the day, all the workers felt this really warm glow, thinking of the nice thing what they had done.
So the Sunday of the double episode of 'Fair City' came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady. Once again it was addressed to God in the spidery writing. All the workers gathered around while the young lad opened the letter and read it out loud: "Dear God, this is that widow in Raheny again. How can I ever thank you enough for the really nice thing that you did for me! Because of your generosity, I was able to arrange a really lovely dinner for my two friends. We had a very nice evening, and I told my friends of your wonderful, wonderful gift. By the way, there was four euros missing. It was no doubt them thieving fuckers in the post office."
114-
The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants - one of which would get the job. The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid. Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a strapping young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself - that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education." Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?" "Oh," replied Jim - "Yale." "That's very good... excellent. You're hired!" "Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?" Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr Yonson."
115-
A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow,
she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, she
doesn't work for Delta.
A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off of the list.
Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the fuck do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh, Air Canada".
116-
An American businessman was standing at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish.
"How long it took you to catch them?" The American asked.
"Only a little while." The Mexican replied.
"Why don't you stay out longer and catch more fish?" The American then asked.
"I have enough to support my family's immediate needs." The Mexican said.
"But," The American then asked, "What do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds you buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats."
"Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the consumers, eventually opening your own can factory. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, senor?"
The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO (Initial Public Offering) and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions, senor? Then what?"
The American said slowly, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos..."
117-
In the jungle there lived a gorilla and a rhino. The gorilla and the rhino had been best mates for over 5 years. They went to the watering hole together and stuff.
The next year winter had finished and spring had sprung, and the gorilla was feeling a little randy. After about a month he hadn't
managed to pull and he was feeling more randy. After another month he still hadn't so he was feeling even more randy.
One day he was walking through the jungle and there ahead of him was the rhino bent over drinking from the lake. This was too much for the gorilla who saw the rhino's arse right there in front of him swaying gently from side to as he drank. The gorilla couldn't contain himself any more and ran straight at the rhino and buggered him senseless for a good half-hour - and all the time the rhino was screaming, "get off me, I'm going to kill you, you bastard!" but he couldn't do anything because the gorilla was holding on too tight.
Eventually the gorilla finished and climbed off. "Right, I'm going to kill you, you bastard!" he shouted and started running after the
gorilla. The gorilla was yelling, "We've been best mates for 5 years, we shouldn't let a little thing like this come between us!" but the
rhino wouldn't have any of it and he was slowly catching up.
The gorilla ran into a camp where an explorer was sat in a chair reading the newspaper. He ran off to the north but he couldn't get
past the cliffs, so he ran back to the camp. He ran east but he couldn't get past the river, so he ran back to the camp. He ran west
but he couldn't get through the undergrowth, so he ran back to the camp. Then he wrung the explorer's neck, grabbed his clothes and
newspaper, threw the explorer over the trees, sat down, and started to read.
The rhino ran into the camp. He ran off to the north, but couldn't find the gorilla so he ran back into the camp. He ran off to the east,
but couldn't find the gorilla so he ran back into the camp. He ran off to the west, but couldn't find the gorilla so he ran back into the
camp.
"Excuse me," he said, "but have you seen a gorilla around?"
The gorilla, still reading to hide his face asked, "What, the one that buggered a rhino by the watering hole down there?"
"Oh God! Don't tell me it's in the papers already."
118-
Jack goes to the doctor and says, "I'm having trouble getting my penis erect. Can you help me?"
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "The problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you, except if you're willing to try a new experimental treatment."
"What's the treatment?" Jack asks sadly.
"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Jack thinks about it then says, "The thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much. I'll have the treatment."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his trousers. His penis immediately sprung from his trousers, went to the table top, grabbed a bread roll, then returned back into his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
"Well, I think so, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my arse."
119-
A man goes in to Tesco for a sandwich one day to find his wife with another man walking around doing some shopping. He leaves and goes back to work enraged at what he saw. He decides not confront his wife but to keep going back to Tesco to see if this is a regular thing. To his dismay he finds that it is, and that it happens every Friday lunchtime. The man keeps quiet for a couple of months going to Tesco every Friday lunchtime in order to follow the unknown man and his wife around the shop.
The man can take no more and begins drinking in his local every chance he gets. One evening he is telling a man at the bar about his dilemma and asks him what he should do. The man replies that he knows someone who would do them both over and will arrange a meeting if he wants. A meeting is arranged for the following evening in the pub.
The man is introduced to a huge bloke called Arti. He tells him the story and Arti says that he will do them over together in Tesco. The man asks about a fee and Arti tells him that he loves to kill people and will accept a token fee of a pound. The deal is done and the place is set to Tesco on Friday lunchtime.
Arti awaits their arrival and follows them around the shop for a while and then pounces on them, strangling them both with his bare hands. As Arti runs out of the shop two security guards tackle him to the ground and wait for the police. He is caught and tried for murder and found guilty. The headline in the paper the next day read:
ARTI CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO
120-
There was this tramp.
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slid over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without
breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.
Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."
"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."
"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff -and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.
"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously.
She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she
finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."
"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra- hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!
First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets -6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4'
cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of
the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.
He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived... and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.
Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high
diving board for you."
"Okay," agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...up and up...below him the ship grew smaller...on and on...past a solitary albatross...and still higher...till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...and on still further...till the ocean grew dim...and the earth itself...began to shrink...past our moon...and on...and Mars...and on...higher, and higher...through the asteroid belt...and on and on towards the diving board...past the outer planets, until...on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...he reached the board.
He climbed on top and radioed the captain...and then...he jumped. .
Slowly at first, but speeding up, faster, and faster, speeding past Pluto, and the other outer planets, through the asteroid belt, past Mars, and the moon, faster, and faster, faster - ever faster, and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster, past the albatross, double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL.........
SMASH!
Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping...
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "BLOODY GOOD SHOW THAT!"
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see...
I'm a just poor tramp...so you must understand...I've been through many a hardship in my life."
121-Dyslexic Cinderella
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. Buttons worked with Cinders. He was gifted with knuge hackers and a shairy hithole. At the end of each day both of them were knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible huckers, and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercella go. She was ducking fistgusted when they wouldn't let her go. The sugly isters left her all on her own while they bent to the wall and pot gissed all
night.Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole, and she was a light rucking fesbian with a cairy hunt and tairy hits She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. Rindercella was amazed. "Miste all crucking fighty," she said
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince. The music was being played by a band called Sid Siff and the Siffling Seven. They were gucking food but too nucking foisy. It was the drucking fummer -what a rucking facket! The cabaret was nucking fopeless. When he blew his trucking fumpet he was bucking frilliant, but he was a big-headed banky wastard and everyone wished he would stick his trumpet up his ucking farsehole. when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Miste all chucking frighty!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that forrible hucker over there," said Buttons.. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success.
Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. "Well Fuckmy Slies!" exclaimed the pransome hince. "Suck your own," said Buttons. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
And they all lived happily ever after.
122-
It's Saturday night and Matthew Kelly is presenting "Stars in Their Eyes" on the telly.
After introducing the show, Matthew announces that he has a very special guest to start off.
"I want you to give this young man a really, really warm reception", he says.
And with that he says, "Will you please welcome, Simon!!!"
The music sounds, and on comes a young man walking on crutches. The crowd give him a tremendous welcome.
As the applause dies down, Matthew turns to young Simon and says, "Well, Simon. I'd like you to tell the ladies and gentlemen in the audience and the viewers at home about your terrible accident."
"Well, about six months ago, Matthew, I was in a tragic car crash." replies Simon. "Sadly, my Uncle Bill, who was driving, got killed and both my legs were amputated above the knee."
"How dreadful!" says our Matthew, and by now there's barely a dry eye in the house. "But tell us about you recovery."
"The doctors were marvellous." continues Simon. "Sad as it was that Uncle Bill died, he was an organ donor and my Auntie Marge consented that they use his legs in a transplant operation so they grafted them on to me."
"That's incredible!" says our Matthew "And now you're on the way to full recovery."
"That's right Matthew." says Simon.
And the audience go wild. They're cheering, they're clapping, they're crying and are quite taken by the bravery and fortitude of this man who has put adversity and hardship behind him just to be on "Stars in Your Eyes".
Finally when all the cheering finishes after several minutes, Matthew asks,
"Well, and who are you going to be tonight?"
"Well now Matthew," he says, "Tonight I'm going to be Simon....... and Half Uncle."
123-
Four Ladies are sitting around playing mah jongg.
First lady says, "you know girls, I have known you all for a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a Kleptomaniac. But don't worry I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
Next lady says, "well, since we are having a true confessions here, I must get something off my chest. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry I have not hit on your husbands' They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."
Well, says the third lady, "I too must confess something. I am a lesbian.
But do not worry; I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also..... I’m a compulsive gossip and I have some phone calls to make."
124-
A young mother is preparing a brisket one Sunday for dinner. Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of the brisket before placing it in the roasting pan.
The young girl asks her mother why she did this. The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure. This is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call and ask her." So, she phones her mother and asks why they always slice the ends off the brisket before roasting.
The mother thinks for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket. Now the three women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the old lady in the nursing home. "You know when we make a brisket," they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?"
"I don't know why YOU do it" said the old woman, "but I never had a pan that was large enough!"
125-
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On is way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.
When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"Surprise!!"
To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
126-
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
127-
During World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing.
So the navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my pecker against the table?"
The crew burst out laughing. So the navigator pulled his pecker out and whammed it on the table. Just when his pecker hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.
As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really
laughed. What did you do?"
The navigator told him and the captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that pecker of yours. The torpedo missed!"
128-
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse".
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
TheChief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says.................
"Listen carefully, for the last time. I said, "BRING POSSE!"
129-
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder.
"You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind ham are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirtfront and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"
130-
A young man joins a lumber camp up in the wilds of the Yukon in Canada.
After a hard morning's hard work felling trees, he and the rest of the lumberjacks break for lunch in the camp canteen. They're all hungry and wait in turn to get slopped up the foulest looking food on the
entire American continent, North and South. It looks as if it's a stew made out of skunk, squirrel and raccoon! You can tell because the meat's still got the fur on!!
The man sits down, takes a forkful of it into his mouth, tastes it and spits it out.
"This is goddamn pig swill!!!", he shouts.
The "chef" comes out from behind the counter, saunters over to our hero and says to him, "Sonny. We have only one rule up here. If you don't like the food, then you must think you can do better so you cook for the rest of the camp!"
And sure enough the guy becomes the new cook.
Breakfast, dinner and supper, he's cooking 7 days a week. When he's not cooking, he's cleaning and washing up and when he isn't cleaning, he's cooking. He's up before dawn and never in bed before 1am. It's harder than lumbering. No matter what he serves up, all the lumberjacks just lap it up and even come back for seconds!
So he tries to get somebody to complain about the grub. He cooks every crap thing he can find in the forest - pine cones and needles, dead bears, mooseheads, wolf entrails, rancid 4 week dead salmon.
He tries oversalting the food, putting too much chilli pepper in it, even gobbing into it but there's never a complaint and after six weeks, he's still the camp cook. And exhausted. The lumberjacks think he's Egon Ronay in a check shirt!
One day he's taking a rare break out the back after finishing the washing up after breakfast. Then just in a clearing in the wood, he sees this moose taking a massive crap. Well, we've all seen cowpats but mooses are bigger than cows and this pat takes up several square metres.
Then our man gets a brilliant idea that'll surely get him fired as the chef!
He goes back into the camp, fetches a large shovel and collects up this mega-moose turd and takes it back to the kitchen. He works all morning making and rolling out pastry, lines his largest dish with it and cooks the moose turd in a pie for lunch (Gas Mark 6, 2 hours if you're interested). He thinks this is it, once they taste that Moose Turd Pie, somebody's going to complain and his cooking days will be over!
At one o'clock, the lumberjacks come back for their lunch and line up at the counter to be served. Our cook hero slops it up onto their meal trays, extra portions all round. The first lumberjack goes and sits at the table and the cook is watching out the corner of his eye, eagerly waiting for
him to tuck in.
The lumberjack takes a big forkful, puts it to his mouth and chews.
He goes red, he's almost choking, but he just manages to swallow it without puking and stands up and shouts, "GODDAMN IT!!! THAT'S MOOSE TURD PIE!!!!!"
After a pause he adds, "It's good, though!"
131-
Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"
One advisor, an Electrical Engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The advisor: "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantifies its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."
The second advisor, a software developer, immediately recognised the danger of such shortsighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects
of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."
"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialise this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialisation process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard- boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelette classes."
"The ham and cheese omelette class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes.
Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."
"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too." "We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the
breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook." "Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the
design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel Pentium with 48MB of memory, a 1.2GB hard disk, and a SVGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap."
The king wisely had the software developer beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after.
132-
It's your first time as you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle as he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
133-
Peter, a middle-aged South African tourist, visits the red light district of Amsterdam and enters a large brothel.
It's his first time in Europe.
The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady over to entertain the prospective client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams and runs away!
Seeing this, the Madam sends over a more experienced lady over to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear and she screams and runs away!
The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola, would do!
Lola looks a bit tired, but there is nothing she hasn't done already and absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap but she's a little too heavy. He whispers in her ear and she screams louder than the previous two and runs away!
Madam is by now, absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel.
She asks, "What did you want to do, to make them run away like that?"
Peter said: "I just asked if I can pay in South African Rand".
134-
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome
young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her.
"Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to
America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll
take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he
slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and
you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, the captain discovered her.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained,
"He's taking me to America, and he's fucking me."
"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Dover-Calais
ferry."
135-
Once upon a time there was a very poor Indian tribe. No one had ever graduated, much less gone on to college. The elders of the tribe realized that in education lay the future of the tribe. They scrimped and saved and managed to amass enough money to be able to send one person off to college.
They met with applicants and reviewed qualifications. They selected an applicant who wanted to be an engineer and sent him off to school to study engineering. The only condition was that upon graduation, the youth must return to the people and spend 4 years using the skills he learned to help his people.
After graduation, the young engineer lived up to his commitment, and returned to the land of his tribe. Being the first of his tribe to ever graduate from college, he was given the place of honour and assigned to live next to the chief, an elderly man who was going blind.
One night, the chief needed to go to the outhouse to relieve himself. As there was no electricity to serve the tribe, the chief could not see as he walked to the outhouse several hundred yards away. On his way back to his lodging, the chief fell and hurt his leg.
The next day, the engineer, upon hearing of the injury to the chief, began drawing plans and stayed in his room for several days, not even pausing to
eat. Soon thereafter, the engineer pronounced he was finished with his project.
In the weeks to come, boxes and boxes began to arrive. The engineer spent day after day directing workers in cutting and splicing cables, attaching fixtures, and setting up electrical equipment.
Finally the time arrived when the project was done. As a sign of respect, shortly after dark in a ceremony attended by the entire tribe, the honour of throwing a switch was given to the chief. The chief threw the switch and a path of light brightened the night illuminating the path from the chief's Hogan to the outhouse those many yards away. No longer would
members of the tribe have to worry about their safety in the dark nights.
Now this may not seem like a huge accomplishment to you and me, but this was the first time anyone had ever wired a head for a reservation.
136-
A man walks into a patent office one day with an apple. He goes up to the man behind the counter and shows him his apple and says that he wants to get a patent on his apple. The guy behind the counter is looking at this other guy like he's crazy.
So the guy with the apple gives it to this guy behind the counter and says,
"Take a bite."
The guy takes a bite, looks surprised and says, "Mmmm, watermelon!"
The other guy says, "Flip it around, take another bite."
The guy behind the counter flips it around and takes another bite, "Mmmm, cherries!"
The other guy says, "Flip it around again and take another bite."
So the guy behind the counter flips it around again and takes another bite, "Mmmm, pears!"
The other guy says, "Flip it around again and have another bite."
So the guy behind the counter flips it around again and takes another bite, "Mmmm, peaches! But you know something, I can't give you a patent on this apple because last week a man came in with an apple that tasted like pussy, and I already gave him a patent on his apple."
The other guy looks at the guy behind the counter and says, "I don't believe that, that's impossible!"
So the guy behind the counter reaches underneath and pulls out an apple,
"Here," he says as he hands him the apple, "Take a bite."
So the other guy takes a bite, chews on it for a while, and with a disgusted look on his face says to the guy behind the counter, "This apple tastes like shit!"
The guy behind the counter says, "Flip it around!!!"
137-
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus.
Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first
step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step.
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him ''How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! ''
At this the Texan drawled, ''Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.''
138-
I met a guy on the golf course who played to scratch using nothing more than a large weight on the end of broom handle for everywhere except the green, and an old umbrella for putting.
In the nineteenth, I told him how impressed I was.
"I guess it's because I'm a genius" he replied casually. "I find things so easy that I have to make everything more difficult."
"Snooker for example," he continued, "I play with a rubber bung stuck on the end of a metal pole twisted like a corkscrew. I could still beat Steve Davis with one hand tied behind my back. I have to make it difficult, or I get bored.
"Or rifle shooting," he went on. "I've taken the sights off the gun, hold it one handed (left hand even though I'm right handed) sight with my right eye (even though the gun's in my left hand) and stand on one leg while the rest lie prone to hold the weapon stable. Even then, I win whenever I want. Nothing's any fun unless I can make it into a challenge."
I was impressed. "Got any kids?" I inquired.
"Yes," he replied. "And before you ask...
...Standing up in a hammock."
139-
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancé, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try. The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
140-
How our GCSE students re-invented history (Part 3)
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cul- tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be
partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The
Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.
In the Olympic Games the reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac- beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
When they landed at Plymouth Rock the Pilgrims were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.
During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. . When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims.
The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolu- tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
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