Men & Women Bashing 2
150-
Mens rules (in reply to the womens rules) ...
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. These are our rules:-
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE AS THEY ARE ALL THE ONE GOLDEN RULE
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
151-
I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up.
152-
For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?
Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
153-
A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman's bra. That's correct. While unfastening a woman's stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries.
Actually, I can vouch for that. I got injured today while trying to undo a woman's bra.
When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas.
154-
"Signs You Had A Bad First Date"
Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother.
You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.
She has a thicker moustache than you.
When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions. You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.
Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass.
You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin.
At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
She beats the shit out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.
You wake up the next morning with a wicked hangover. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.
At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.
She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan.
She is better hung than you.
She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you.
155-
It's not difficult. To make a woman happy a man only needs to be :
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :
1. Good sex
2. Make nice food
3. Leave him in peace
156-
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......
So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree!...
Men, on the other hand, are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
157-
Definitions By Gender
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
158-
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire even after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu". For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (although one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, beer or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come to visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, What you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it...looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2004, I will share equally in the housework.
You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, the dishes and anything to do with the children. I'll do the rest.
159-
WORDS WOMEN USE
******************************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD ( With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not! faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
160-
A man has 27 parts that don't work for him.
20 nails that don't nail
1 belly button that doesn't button
2 tits that don't milk
1 cock that doesn't crow
2 balls that don't bounce
1 ass that doesn't do any work
So what are you women smiling at?
You have a pussy that doesn't catch mice!
161-
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Canada where women may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends each flight. There is, however, a catch. As they open the door to any floor, they may choose a man from that floor, but if they go up a floor, they cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So this woman goes to the shopping centre to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself: "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman thinks to herself: "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better," she thinks, "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 -These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. Wow!" exclaims the woman: "very tempting. But there must be more, further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband-Mart and have a nice day!
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have big boobs.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
162-
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. He asked her about what he should do next.
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later.
His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"Oh, mum, the evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why.......didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over all right, but she refused to cook."
163-
The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause arrived at my door without warning: Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and All-Dried-Up.
One by one they crept into my own private cottage in the woods and started to take over my life.
The first to arrive was Itchy. I developed this itch on my right calf that was so irritating, I wanted to scratch the skin right off my body.
Then Bitchy came to my door. No longer was my PMS contained to one or two days a month--it felt like constant PMS.
Then I would swing from Bitchy to Weepy for God's sake, what was wrong with me?
Ding-dong......It's the middle of the night and Sweaty has crawled into bed with me. Oh, yes, Sweaty brought embarrassing hot flashes and introduced me to night sweats where it seemed as if a faucet had been attached between my breasts.
Of course Sweaty brought about Sleepy, because I was tired all the time. I would wake up so many times in the night and not be able to get back to sleep.
Bloated crept in slowly, my once-svelte figure got thick through the middle section, even though I was following my weight-loss program that had worked so well for so many years!
I can't quite remember when Forgetful arrived, but one day my brain stopped working. I considered myself a pretty focused woman until Forgetful came, and I could not keep a coherent thought in my brain. Am I getting Alzheimer's? I wondered.
Last,
All-Dried-Up slowly encroached upon my happy marriage. This was probably the most unpleasant of the dwarf family. Sex was no longer on the top of my list...or on my list at all. My husband would give me that knowing look, and I would think, "Frankly, I'd rather have a smoothie."
164-
Men are like
Men are like ... Laxatives ...... They irritate the sh ! t out of you.
Men are like ... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ... Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ... Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ... Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Men are like ... Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
165-
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
166-
What do you call a woman without an asshole?
Divorced.
167-
Who needs a husband?
My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a physician who looks me over regularly.
168-
I WILL SURVIVE - MALE VERSION
First I was afraid I was petrified
At the ugly slapper that was lying by my side
I would've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd
Assault me in your bed.
I tried to go, walk out the door
But you've been sitting on my legs and
I Can't feel them anymore
And now you're sitting on my face,
my nose has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that you're big knickers aren't
Made of liquorice lace
I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave
Only hope that no one saw me walking home With such a slut.
God the things that you get up to when you're half cut.
Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly Breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what Made me want to court her?
With t*ts that look like Tesco bags I've just Filled up with water
It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting she wants sex on her Dirty lino floor
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-ics curse.
I WILL SURVIVE !
To which the girls reply......... FEMALE VERSION
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly wanker that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've
Tried to keep my head,
If I'd know for just one second I'd be in
Your crusty bed...
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I've fallen
on the floor. Your butts a pimply mess, it's just a
broken-out disgrace, But I'd
rather look at that, than at your Fucking ugly face...!
I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes
Me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking
Spirits and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, you
Looked just like Richard Gere !
Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're
An ugly prick
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate,
At least he's got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm
Stuck with you, you twat.
It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm going To have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me Want to be a nun!
I WILL SURVIVE!!
169-
The Differences Between Men And Women
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL LOOK
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favourite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
170-
The handsome construction worker considered himself quite the stud, and indeed had no trouble persuading a good-looking recent acquaintance to come back to his apartment.
After making love to her, he rolled over and lit a cigarette. His self-satisfied smile vanished, however, when the woman hopped out of bed and snapped, "You may look like Mel Gibson, but you're lousy in the sack."
The indignant fellow snapped, "I don't see what makes you such an expert after only forty-five seconds!"
171-
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.
I see a woman with a tattoo and I'm thinking, OK, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
172-
Strategic responses to the ever dangerous "Do I look Fat" question:
"No, not to Stevie Wonder."
"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."
"Does this tie make me look stupid?"
"No hablo ingles."
"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things kinda balance out."
"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."
"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."
"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."
"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."
"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."
"Whoa! A talking couch!!"
"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"
173-
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1 Yes = No
2 No = Yes
3 Maybe = No
4 We need = I want..
5 I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6 We need to talk = You're in trouble
7 Sure, go ahead = You better not
8 Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9 I am not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
10 You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1 I am hungry = I am hungry
2 I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3 I am tired = I am tired
4 Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5 I love you = Let's have sex now
6 I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7 May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8 Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9 Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10 I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
174-
IF GOD WAS A WOMAN (AND PROOF THAT HE'S NOT)
1. Sex would smell like chocolate
2. Farts would smell like roses
3. Dogs would smell spring fresh
4. Babies would come from vending machines
5. Men would be born with a permanent erection
6. All women would have the same size breasts
7. There would be no cellulite
8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE
9. Men would be born with an "OFF" switch
10. There would be no "Hooters"
11. A man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife
12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii!
13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle
14. Men would come with software to be custom designed
15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife
16. Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth
17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches and three inches
18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds
19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek
20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.
175-
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
176-
Why did men get given bigger brains than hamsters?
Ahhh - but are they proportionately bigger?
177-
Evolution has allowed women to multi-task easily: - This means that they can think of shopping for clothes and for shoes - and for a hat and matching handbag - all at the same time; whilst also thinking about what to say to Myrtle about her latest dress; various family birthdays and anniversaries; the need to get the dry-cleaning back; how she's going to manage to get all the kids to their after-school activities tonight - and what to feed them; and what to do about little Johnny's teeth Evolution has allowed men to multi-task easily, but only in some areas: - Beer; and either football or lingerie models [with or without their lingerie] [but not both].
178-
You know you're in a man's ideal world when:
a.. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
b.. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."
c.. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
d.. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
e.. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
f.. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
g.. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.
h.. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
i.. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
j.. Rubbish would take itself out.
k.. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
l.. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
m.. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's £ 10 off."
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Top Nine Things Only Women Understand
9. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
8. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
7. Crying can be fun.
6. FAT CLOTHES.
5. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
4. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
3. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
2. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
And The Number One Thing Only Women Understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
180-
My friends are fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled. I had gone into the Star Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a super ball in the checkout line--50 cents. What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does That thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided me with hours of entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it? I'm so easily distracted. That dang super ball is so much fun.
So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought something really cool at Larry's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday. The occasion was my 50th birthday and I was looking for a little something extra cool. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer gun with a clip.
For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused.:)~
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog Molly looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions
(that would be me, not Molly), and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Molly for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all. But, if I was going to use this thing to protect myself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no bloody way!" Bloody way-- trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Molly looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and Holy F**king Shit! DAMN!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
foetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Molly was standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. +/- an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.
They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . sure would like to get 'em back.
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APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Name of Boyfriend/Fiancι/Husband:
I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:
Date: Time of departure: Time of return NOT to exceed:
Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancι/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.
Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine Liquor Total
Locations to be visited
Females with whom conversation is permitted
IMPORTANT - STRIPPER CLAUSE: Notwithstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.
I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it's not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you to a Robbie Williams concert, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.
I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.
Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancι/Husband:
Request is: APPROVED DENIED
This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.
"
Permission for my boyfriend/fiancι/husband to be away for the following period of time:
Date: Time of departure: Time of return:
Signed - Girlfriend/Fiancι/Wife:
182-
What two things in the air will get a women pregnant?
Her legs.
183-
33 THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A MAN WITH A SMALL DICK
1. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
2. Were you neutered?
3. Deep throat??? I doubt it'll reach my tongue!!!
4. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
5. Stop fingering me and fuck me.
6. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
7. I'm sorry.
8. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
9. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
10. Let me know when you're done.
11. Does it come with an air pump?
12. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
13. Did you date Lorena Bobbie?
14. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
15. Aww, it's hiding.
16. Are you cold?
17. I didn't know they came that small.
18. If you get me real drunk first.
19. Is that an optical illusion?
20. Who circumcised you?
21. Wow, and your feet are so big.
22. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
23. Never mind, why bother.
24. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
25. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
26. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
27. (giggle and point)
28. Can I be honest with you?
29. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
30. Let me go get my tweezers.
31. How sweet, you brought incense.
32. But it still works right?
33. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
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A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
185-
Why do women have two holes close together?
Just in case you miss the first one.
186-
Questions and answers about women
Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q. What's the difference between a pay check and your dick?
A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your check.
Q. How is a woman like a laxative?
A. They both irritate the shit out of you.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A. It's Braille for "suck here".
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.
Q. Why do women have tits?
A. So men will talk to them.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence.
187-
Why do women wear high heels, wear lots of make-up, and constantly use perfume?
Because they are short, ugly, and smelly.
188-
Women vs Men ...
Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she stayed at her friend's apartment over night. So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.
Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still with them.
189-
What I Want in a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
190-
Longest Single Breath Sentence
A Berkshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs. Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasm.
191-
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night Mrs. Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
192-
The three stages of increasing gut size consist of the following:
Stage 1. You can no longer see your penis.
Stage 2. You can no longer see if your penis is erect or not.
Stage 3. You can no longer see who is giving you head.
193-
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.
194-
In praise of older women
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 30 will not lay next to you in bed and ask: "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.
A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, I praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-groomed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologise.
195-
There she is sitting up in bed chopping firewood when she turns to me and says,
"You're a lazy bastard!"
"What do you mean, my beloved?" I replied.
"You haven't put any fresh water in that goldfish bowl for over 6 months"
"But dearest, they haven't drunk that lot yet" I said.
196-
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security,
Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.
197-
Poor Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
198-
Men Underestimate A Woman's Value..........
Until They Start Paying Alimony
199-
Waldo hadn't been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You look like Helen Brown."
"Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in blue, either!"
200-
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.
201-
Moods
My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said: "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says: "I'll miss you."
He said: 'Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.' She said: 'Well, you've succeeded.'
He said: 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'. She said: 'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I
lie on the sofa and fart'.
He said: 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?'. She said: 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard'.
202-
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
203-
TEN REASONS WHY SOME MEN PREFER HANDGUNS OVER WOMEN
#10 You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 You can keep one handgun at home, and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a back up.
#6 Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a handgun is favoured over a woman!
#1 You can buy a silencer for a handgun
204-
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
205-
I hate when I hear people say, "Nice guys finish last." Seems every nice guy I've slept with finished first and didn't last.
206-
Rejection Letter to Mr Not-Right
Dear _______________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
8. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
9. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
10. ___You have a hairy back.
11. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
12. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
13. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
14. ___You still live with your parents.
15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
18. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
19. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
20. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
207-
What men wish women knew
1. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
2. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
3. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
4. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
5. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
208-
What Women Say (And What They Really Mean)
I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of every banjo-playing geek on "Hee Haw.")
There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.)
I'm not attracted to you in that way. (You are the ugliest dork I have ever laid eyes upon.)
My life is too complicated right now. (I'm waiting for a rich sugar daddy.)
I've got a boyfriend. (I'd rather stay home alone.)
I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)
It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and as my job has got to be better than dating you.)
I'm celibate. (One look at you and I'm ready to swear off men altogether.)
Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and fall in love with.)
What Men Say (And What They Really Mean)
I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
I'm not attracted to you in that way. (You're ugly.)
My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
Let's be friends. (You're ugly.)
209-
There Are At Least Eight Types Of Orgasm Of A Woman.
1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes..................
2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................
3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No............
4. The Traveller - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming.............
5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God.........................
6. The Usurer - Ahh, More, More, More.....................
7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you...
8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH...Deeper...Go DEEPER !!
210-
Always remember these seven important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Blow Job
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.
3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job
4. Reward him for cooperative behaviour. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.
6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".
7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.
211-
Ever wonder what your partner is really saying? Here is what they say, and what it really means:
Did you come? == Because I didn't.
I have something to tell you. == Get tested.
I'm a Romantic. == I'm poor.
I'll give you a call. == I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by wild dogs than see you again.
I never meant to hurt you. == I thought you weren't a virgin.
Trust me. == I'm cheating on you.
I love you. == You're a good lay.
I think we should just be friends. == You're ugly.
Haven't I seen you before? == Nice ass.
I want to make love to you. == Let's fuck.
Was it good for you? == I'm insecure about my manhood.
We need to talk. == I'm pregnant.
I had a wonderful time last night. == Who the hell are you?
I've been thinking a lot. == You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.
I've learned a lot from you. == Next!
I want a commitment. == I'm sick of masturbation.
I think we should see other people. == I have been seeing other people.
Let's get married. == Now can we fuck?
We don't have to do anything until you are ready. == Put out or get out.
I feel it's time to express our love for each other. == Give me head.
I still think about you. == I miss the sex.
Is there something wrong? == Is it supposed to be this soft?
You're so mature. == I hope you're eighteen.
It's never been like this before. == It's my first time.
Yes...Yes...*scream!* == Aren't you done yet?
No, I don't want to dance right now = Shoot! She'll know she gave me a woody!
The break-up should not start 'til tomorrow = I want to have sex a few more times.
You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me.
We've been through so much together = If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity.
I've learned a lot from you. = Next!!!!
I need you = My hand is tired. I want you back = ...for tonight anyway.
I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised.
I miss you so much = I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good.
Want to snuggle? = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out.
Do you really love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.
Do what you want and sulk. = I'll just sit on the couch.
I'm feeling romantic tonight. = There's no game on tonight.
I'm not emotional! And I'm not over-reacting! = I'm losing my hair.
I had her. = I had (wet dreams about) her all week.
How much do you love me? = I've done something *really* stupid and someone's on their way to tell you now.
It's just orange juice, try it. = 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.
She's kinda cute. = I want to have sex with her till I am blue.
I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me.
I really want to get to know you better. = ..So I can tell my friends about it.
How do I compare with all you other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small?
The car isn't running right. = I want a bigger engine and more knobs to play with.
My tools are obsolete. = I can't figure out how to work the old ones and the commercial says even a chimp can use the new ones.
I know where I am. = Oh God! Where the HELL am I?
I need new shoes = The pair that I've had since high school fell apart in the rain.
The remote is broken. = Come here wherever you are and change the channel for me.
I'm hungry. = Make me something to eat.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. = I can't see the tv from here.
The dishwasher is full. = I've run out of places to hide the dirty dishes.
It's your decision. = I'm totally clueless, so you decide and I'll just take half the credit.
We need to talk. = I need to complain.
Sure,... go ahead. = I don't want you. to....but.... I'll use this next time we fight, to show how supportive I am.
You're,... so feminine. = Do you do laundry... cook...windows...bake?
Let's be romantic... = Turn out the lights.
Beer gut? = What beer gut...Ohh....uh..o.
You want... = I know what you should want.
We need... = I want.
212-
Why did God make man first?
He didn't want Eve standing around telling him how to make a man.
213-
An Ode to Oral Sex
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yucky stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's your revenge, you're on the rag.
214-
What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
215-
Vibrator Versus Men
A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."
Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on TV
Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!
When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not hear from them until we're ready.
It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.
Position is your choice, not his.
It always is hard.
It doesn't leave a mess behind.
You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
Vibrators are better then men because ... They don't get tired after the first time They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.
Vibrators are better then men because in the morning you don't have to fix it breakfast.
Safe sex without a rubber
A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !
As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going! (while you keep coming and coming!)
Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you want!!
They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.
You can show it off to your friends.
They never wake up at 4 a. m. asking for another one
It doesn't leave a wet spot. It can be stashed away in a drawer.
It doesn't have a mother!!
It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.
You know exactly where it's been.
Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
They never come before you do.
216-
Why is giving a Blow Job a win/win situation?
He may have you on your knees, but you have him by the balls!
217-
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
218-
There's a double standard, even today.
A man can sleep around and sleep around, and nobody asks any questions.
If you're a woman, & you make nineteen or twenty mistakes, right away you're a whore.
219-
Q: Did you hear about the new female delivery service?
A: It's called 'PMS'. They deliver whenever the fuck they feel like it.
220-
New Year's Resolutions and Goals
The Basic Difference: HER (X) / HIS(Y)
X: Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water Y: One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)
X: ONLY one chocolate bar per week Y: ONLY three nights at topless bar per week
X: Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week Y: Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote
X: Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine Y: Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list
X: Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting Y: Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing
X: Get organized/clean house Y: Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)
X: Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance Y: Score with tall, long-legged Blonde in Finance
X: Read More / Less TV Y: Buy Dish - More sports channels!!
X: Plan budget / Save more money Y: Only three nights at topless bar per week
221-
More Things A Man Will Never Say
* I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
* I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
* Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
* I wonder if my gorgeous neighbour knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
* No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
* Better get ride of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore.
* I understand.
* This movie has too much nudity.
* Damn, we're late for church.
* No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
* Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
222-
He Would Never Say ...
1 Can we park a little closer? I can't walk in these shoes
2 What are you thinking?
3 I get on so well with your dad
4 I'm tired, why don't you drive?
5 Can we just share a dessert?
6 Let's stay in tonight and watch Dirty Dancing
7 I don't actually know what's wrong with your car
8 You can never have too many shoes
9 I'll just go and ask for directions
10 Does my bum look big in this?
11 I think oral sex is overrated
12 I'm really not skilled enough to second-guess the Springbok coach
13 Don't you think you're driving too fast?
14 I think I'll just watch the highlights
15 Can't we just cuddle instead?
She Would Never Say ...
1 Please tape the rugby for me while I'm out with my mates
2 Don't worry, I'll take out the rubbish
3 You've already got a pair of black shoes. What do you need a new pair for?
4 Leave the toilet seat up. It's so much more comfortable that way
5 I'm just taking one pair of shoes for the weekend
6 I hate getting flowers. They just die so quickly
7 Why don't we invite your ex over for dinner?
8 Let's rent the new Jean Claude van Damme tonight
9 The seal broke on the washing machine, but I've fixed it
10 Won't you smell this and tell me if it's off?
11 I wouldn't lift the bedcovers if I was you
12 Do you want to hear me burp the alphabet?
13 The girl in my office really fancies you. How about a threesome?
14 If you're not going to finish your chips, can I have them?
15 Is it Valentine's Day already?
223-
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.
224-
"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes.
And women say the first thing they notice about men are: they're a bunch of fucking liars."
225-
Q. What Do You Call A Woman That Works Like A Man??
A. A Lazy Bitch.
226-
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.
Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
227-
CYBER SEX REJECTION FORM
Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name), I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair.
Below, you will find the reason(s) for this action:
_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of
"brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it.
_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings.
_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.
_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:
_____ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man.
_____ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a woman.
_____ You typed your own name at the end.
_____ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.
_____ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.
_____ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.
______ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __jpg __ police record.
______ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.
______ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the end of times come. They are closer than you think.
______ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special... as in cyber cheating.
______ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.
______ I am entering the witness protection program.
Please understand, _________ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten SOB __ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart.
Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,
__ Sincerely, __ Gleefully, __ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out," __ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs __ Good riddance
(alias)
228-
Q. How do you tell if a girl is wearing panty hose?
A. Her ankles swell when she farts.
229-
TO OUR VALUED CUSTOMERS:
Lloyds bank is very pleased to inform you that we are installing new "Drive-thru" cash point machines where our customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
To enable our customers to make full use of these new facilities, we have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with appropriate procedures for their use.
Please read the procedures that apply to you and remember them for when you use our new machines for the first time.
PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.
PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window with cash machine.
3. Re-start the stalled engine.
4. Wind down the window.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat and locate card.
6. Turn the radio down.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to it's excessive distance from the car.
9. Insert card.
10. After "Invalid Card" is displayed, remove the aforementioned "Marks & Spencer's" Charge card and insert correct cash point card,
11. Remove cash point card.
12. Re-insert cash point card the right way up.
13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
14. Enter PIN.
15. Press "Cancel" and enter correct PIN.
16. Enter amount of cash required.
17. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
18. Retrieve cash and receipt.
19. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
20. Place receipt in back of cheque book.
21. Re-check make-up.
22. Drive forward 2 metres.
23. Reverse back to cash machine. Wave to exasperated male customer in car behind.
24. Retrieve card.
25. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
26. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
27. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
28. Release handbrake.
230-
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars
t hat I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off? ....... I think not.
231-
Q: What can make you feel really good or be very annoying?
A: A woman's mouth.
232-
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely
grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire.
With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again.
DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES !
233-
Hey guys, has she really forgiven you?
Her eyes say, "Maybe," but the lighter fluid in your hair and the match in her hand say, "Not really."
234-
Today is 'International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day', so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman! And remember this motto to live by: Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming: "WOW, what a ride!" Have an wonderful day!
235-
Why don't too many women enjoy basketball players as lovers?
They always dribble before they shoot
236-
Scientists have proven that the DNA found in donkeys & bats is exactly the same as that found in the human male........ which explains the constant stubbornness & lack of vision.
Scientists have just proven that the DNA found in cows & dung beetles is exactly the same as that found in the human female........ which explains the big tits & constant looking for shit.
237-
24 Things Women Want To Hear In 2005 (those women and their fantasies....)
1. Gee Sweetheart, let's skip dinner tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is you.
2. Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
3. Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
4. Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.
5. What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
6. How about I give you a nice massage and foot rub. I really don't like sex that much anyway.
7. You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
8. What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
9. Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.
10. While your up Sweetheart, can you get me a glass of water. I think I've had enough beer.
11. Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.
12. There ought to be a law against those porno movies. Can you believe that there are guys that would actually want their wives to do those things they show?
13. Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
14. I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
15. You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
16. Look at that... disgusting. Why would she wear a short skirt like that with no panties?
17. Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.
18. My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
19. If the guys call and want me to go to that new strip club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
20. You know Sweetheart, I'm really glad you don't like doing all those dirty things they write about in those stupid sex advice columns.
21. Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
22. If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
23. You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.
24. Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.
238-
New studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get pregnant. Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long Island Ice Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a Camaro with sticky hair.
239-
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed.
After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?"
She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.
"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut 'It' off?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"Was it when they cut off your 'Other Stuff'?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"What was the most painful part?"
"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"
240-
Melissa was
towelling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few grey pubic hairs.
She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't been getting much lately... but I didn't know you were so worried about it!"
241-
Q: Why are guys so good at video games?
A: It's the eye-hand coordination developed after all those years of jerking off to Playboy
centrefolds.
242-
Women are like wine:
I can only afford the really cheap ones that have the big, ugly boxes that leak.
243-
Q: Why do women talk more than men, and why are men smarter than women?
A: Because women have four lips and men have two heads.
244-
Fantasy vs. Reality
FANTASY: He'll lavish you with gifts for no particular reason. REALITY: You've got him confused with Santa Claus, who's already married, anyway.
FANTASY: He'll be tall. REALITY: He'll say he's five-foot-ten, although you'll tower over him at five-seven.
FANTASY: He'll look at no other women. REALITY: He still thinks Sharon Stone, the swimsuit model in Sports Ill., and the young babysitter down the street all want to meet him.
FANTASY: You'll be in his every thought. REALITY: He'll spend half his life obsessing about a receding hairline, the other half rehashing the latest game on ESPN.
FANTASY: He'll be witty. REALITY: He'll still tell knock-knock jokes.
FANTASY: You'll share the same interests. REALITY: He'll cancel a romantic evening with you for a tractor pull.
FANTASY: He always walk beside you, smother you with kisses, and give you unconditional love. REALITY: Now you've got him confused with the family dog!
245-
The Top 10 Clever Things to Say to Convince Your Lover to Go Down on You
"If I eat a lot of sugar first, it'll be just like those Cadburys Creme Eggs that you like so much."
"Honey, I was thinking: you know how you like fresh salmon and steamed clams?"
"No, I swear, Honey, the TV remote is in there somewhere. Just keep looking."
"So, twenty bucks then?"
"No honey, that's not moss growing out of my navel -- it's mistletoe!"
"With my thighs covering your ears, you won't have to listen to Oprah."
"Honey, try this and tell me if it tastes funny to you..."
"At work today Brad Johnson said *his* wife could out-blow *my* wife! Can you imagine?!?"
"Look, do you want that raise or not?"
"The Taliban has outlawed it -- it's your patriotic duty, dammit!"
246-
Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something the majority of men would rather not question in case they discovered that she has been all along, and that they are not in fact the stud they thought women go wild for, but rather a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.
For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.
1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking. If she says,
"Damnit, I was reading that!" she was faking it.
2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the job at hand, and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.
3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby" she is faking it. If she says "Don't stop!" she isn't.
However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.
247-
She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .
I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!
This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.
Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot.
Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.
That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?
I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby- sitter Tracy.
You're my daddy! You're my daddy!
The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl?
While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
Bar food again!? Kick ass.
I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl- friend has class.
That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's day gift!
Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?
It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Chuck's bare ass!
My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!
You are so much smarter than my father.
If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Match of the Day
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* Hot tub tips for women
Vol. 1 - Etiquette
It is not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, then scream at the top of your lungs "Oh yes baby"
Washing your partners back is sexy, washing your pantyhose is not
Group nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience, but don't spoil things by making snide remarks like "I've seen bigger wangs on Hamsters"
It's OK to pass a joint while tubbing, it's not OK to pass gas
Don't think you're fooling anybody by trying to pass off your vibrator as a toy submarine.
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Women can sleep with whoever they want; men have to sleep with whoever will let them
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50 Rules For Men
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules... No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lard ass," and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is not an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dish soap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you are not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on wrestling.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. ~ Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Call... and call again.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question.
The fact that she has to go through labour while you are sitting on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything else out.
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MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING
Kissing/Light Petting What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!" What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic
breath--ewwww!"
Undressing What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!" What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"
Foreplay/Oral Sex What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the altar of your impressive manhood for hours." What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."
Penetration What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!" What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"
Your Orgasm What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!" What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance." What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"
Postcoital Bliss What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like." What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."
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Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns
17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with my
3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of
de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Won Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
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13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
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Question: If you are sitting in the living room watching football on the tele and drinking a beer when all of a sudden the wife walks into the room, what is wrong?
Answer: The chain is to long.
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36 reasons Why it's Cool to be a Man...
1. Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always!
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a monkeys arse if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubes.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress £2000; Tux Hire £100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is £5 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a football game with your friends for hours without ever thinking "She must be mad at me."
27. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
28. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours .
29. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt.
30. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
31. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
32. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
33. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
34. You can "do" your nails with a penknife.
35. Christmas shopping is accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.
36. The world is your urinal.
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A young couple, Jack and Jill, are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, Jack's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when Jill says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to piss." Slightly taken back by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge." She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As Jack waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animalistic thoughts a moment longer, Jack reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. Jack shouts in horror, "Oh no, Jill, have you changed your sex?" "No," she replies. "but I changed my mind, I'm taking a shit instead."
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Aeroplanes & women
* Aeroplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
* Aeroplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
* Aeroplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."
* Aeroplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.
* Aeroplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.
* Aeroplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
* Aeroplanes can be flown at any time of the month.
* Aeroplanes don't come with in-laws.
* Aeroplanes don't care about how many other aeroplanes you've flown before.
* Aeroplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
* Aeroplanes don't mind if you look at other aeroplanes
* Aeroplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
* Aeroplanes expect to be tied down.
* Aeroplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
* Aeroplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
* However, when aeroplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.
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Statistics on Women and Sex:
70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.
Women who respond to sex surveys in magazines like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.
Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.
Women with a Ph. D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.
Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.
National birth rates rise and fall with the height of heels.
In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.
Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.
White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.
Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.
Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.
Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.
Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.
Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.
Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.
White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.
20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.
So, you know what this means? Yup... all you guys have to go looking for: A 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4 Black/1/4 White Atheist with a Ph. D., wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who lived with her single
mum! Shouldn't be too hard.
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Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the mediocre apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy....... The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked! Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes and it's up to women to stomp them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
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Fun Things To Do On a Date
Warning: Actually doing any of the following will absolutely, positively guarantee that your date will run quickly away from you screaming something about you being completely insane...
1. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
2. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
3. Repeat every third third word you say say
4. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
5. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
6. Order a bucket of lard.
7. Ask for crayons to colour the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
8. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.
9. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
10. Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
11. Ask the people at the neighbouring table for food from their plates.
12. Drool.
13. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."
14. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What took you so long in the bathroom?!"
15. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their forearm. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.
16. Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening.
17. Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your plate. Watch the waiter's face.
18. Order your food by colours and textures. Sculpt.
19. Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a similar manner, insist that he take a bite of everything to make sure no one has poisoned your food.
20. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
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A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say "I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words.
I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the exception. When making love, I explained, men will say anything. "He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks you want to hear," I told her.
The conversation rattled on from there.
A couple of weeks later, she related the following. "We were in bed, making love and I said, 'Tell me you love me'."
He said, "I love you." I said, "Tell me you're the Easter Bunny."
He stopped for a second, and said, "I'm the Easter Bunny."
"So I slapped him."
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Nine Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Questions .... But Never Will
1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.
2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that damn ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
3. You've got no chance of me calling you.
4. No, I won't be gentle.
5. Of course you have to swallow.
6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
7. I hate your friends.
8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.
9. I'd rather watch a porno.
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Bloke Etiquette
Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed or beaten by his fellow partygoers.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse c. After wrecking your boss' car. d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". e. When your Date is using her teeth
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.
You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.
The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have had carnal drunken rampant sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
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"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping............ Men invade another country.."
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Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.
"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample."
The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman. "
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, Morris said, "He's a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. By him, it's not a big deal... a sample."
She thought a minute. "He's a business man? So tell him I don't give samples. If he wants, I can give him 50 or 60 references."
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Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses are now available for women in the following subjects:
Silence, The Final Frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making deposits.
Parties: Going without new outfits.
Man Management: Minor household chores can wait till after the game.
Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too.
Bathroom Etiquette 2: His razor is his.
Communication Skills 1: Tears - the last resort, not the first.
Communication Skills 2: Thinking before speaking.
Communication Skills 3: Getting what you want without nagging.
Driving A Car Safely: A skill you can acquire.
Telephone Skills: How to hang up.
Advanced Parking: Backing into a space.
Water Retention: Fact or fat.
Cooking 1: Bringing back bacon, eggs and butter.
Cooking 2: Bran and tofu are not for human consumption.
Cooking 3: How not to inflict your diets on other people.
Compliments: Accepting them gracefully.
PMS: Your problem... not his.
Dancing: Why men don't like to.
Classic Clothing: Wearing outfits you already have.
Household Dust: A harmless natural occurrence only women notice.
Integrating Your Laundry: Washing it all together.
Oil and Gas: Your car needs both.
TV Remotes: For men only.
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A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.
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When I asked her to the prom, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to dance, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to move in with me, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to kiss me, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to make love to me, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked for her hand in marriage, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to bear my children, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
That's when I realized, she was a retard.
259-
Mans Errors and length of time until you can expect to get "any".
Giggling at her for getting misty at the end of a chick flick. -4 days
Using any expression other than making love to refer to sex. -4 days
Tone of voice that she doesn't like while talking about her mother -5 days
Actually saying no you don't want to go when she says.."It's okay if you don't want to go". -6 days
Shushing her during Match of the day. -8 days.
Not allowing her to watch Desperate Housewives because there's a Three Stooges marathon on -3 days
Bringing up the possibility of a threesome... With her friend - 2 days With her sister - 19 days With her
mum - 6 months
Shrugging your shoulders and grunting when she asks how the makeup she just spent 11/2 hours putting on looks. -2 days
Showing up 1/2 hour late because there was a really cool police chase on TV. -3 days
Not answering quickly or vehemently enough when she asks you if you would ever cheat on you. -12 days
Accusing her of having PMS when she doesn't -8 days when she does -12 days
Failing to be serious about a relationship quiz in Cosmopolitan. -4 days
Casually remarking that if she decided she wanted a boob job you'd be willing to pay for it. -6 days
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Reasons Why Cucumbers are Better than Men
~*~ An Average Cucumber is at least six inches long.
~*~ Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
~*~ A cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count.
~*~ Cucumbers don't get too excited.
~*~ A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
~*~ Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
~*~ With a cucumber you can get a single room... ...and you won't have to check in as "Mrs. Cucumber".
~*~ A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
~*~ You can go to a movie with a cucumber, and see the movie.
~*~ At a drive-in you can stay in the front seat.
~*~ A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
~*~ A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn......or send you out for more beer.
~*~ A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne film festival.
~*~ A cucumber won't ask, "Am I the First?"
~*~ Cucumbers don't care if you're a virgin.
~*~ Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
~*~ Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin.
~*~ Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.
~*~ With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
~*~ Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
~*~ Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups.
~*~ Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
~*~ Cucumbers aren't into rope and leather, talking dirty or swinging with fruits and nuts.
~*~ You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
~*~ You only eat cucumber when you feel like it.
~*~ Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
~*~ Cucumbers won't ask, "Am I the best?" or "How was it?" or "Did you come? How many times?"
~*~ Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynaecologist, ski instructor, or your hairdresser.
~*~ A cucumber won't want to join your support group.
~*~ Cucumbers aren't into meaningful discussions.
~*~ Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover...or speculate about your next one.
~*~ A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
~*~ A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over.
~*~ No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
~*~ Cucumbers can handle rejection.
~*~ A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
~*~ A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
~*~ A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
~*~ A cucumber won't give it up for Lent.
~*~ With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
~*~ Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
~*~ A cucumber will never give you a hickey.
~*~ Cucumbers can stay up all night...and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
~*~ Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
~*~ You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket...and you know how firm it is before you take one home.
~*~ Afterwards...a cucumber won't...
.... Want to shake hands and be friends.
.... Say, "I'll call you a cab".
.... Tell you he's not the marrying kind.
.... Tell you he is the marrying kind.
.... Call his mother, ex-wife or therapist.
.... Take you to confession.
~*~ Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
~*~ A cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore.
~*~ Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
~*~ A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
~*~ A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
~*~ With a cucumber you don't have to play nurse during the flu season.
~*~ Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
~*~ A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
~*~ A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
~*~ Cucumbers won't go through your medicine cabinet.
~*~ A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on or hairspray.
~*~ Cucumbers won't leave hair in the sink or a ring in the tub.
~*~ Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
~*~ A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
~*~ A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you're taking a shower.
~*~ With a cucumber the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
~*~ Cucumbers don't compare you to a centrefold.
~*~ Cucumbers can't count to ten.
~*~ Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
~*~ A cucumber will never leave you for..........
.... Another woman
.... Another man
.... Another cucumber
~*~ A cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then come home smelling like another woman.
~*~ A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt or gives you a wedgie.
~*~ You always know where your cucumber has been.
~*~ A cucumber never has to call 'the wife'.
~*~ A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
~*~ Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
~*~ You won't find out later that your cucumber is married, or on penicillin, or likes you, but loves your brother.
~*~ A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
~*~ Cucumbers never tell you what they did while you were away.
~*~ A cucumber won't ask for a transfer just when you're up for a promotion.
~*~ Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
~*~ A cucumber won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.
~*~ You don't have to wait until half time to talk to your cucumber.
~*~ A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
~*~ A cucumber won't take you to a club and dump you for a "flashy outfit".
~*~ Cucumbers never want to take you home to Mom.
~*~ A cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the Holidays with your family.
~*~ A cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical or Law school.
~*~ A cucumber won't tell you he has outgrown you intellectually.
~*~ Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
~*~ Cucumbers don't say, "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
~*~ A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish or Orthodox Vegetarian.
~*~ It's easy to drop a cucumber.
~*~ A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
~*~ No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.
261-
Thirteen percent of the women interviewed by "Playgirl Magazine" said, "I love you" to get a man to have sex with them.
The rest of the women surveyed, said they say it to scare a man and get rid of him !
262-
Jill and Johnny were
cycling down the road and Johnny swerved slightly to go past a pretty blonde jogging.
Jill said, "Did you see her?"
"Well, yeah." said Johnny.
"That really gets me. I've never understood that about women. She was wearing a necklace, two bracelets, hoop earrings, her nails were freshly polished with Salerno Mavala nail polish, she'd recently spritzed Chanel behind her ears, and she was wearing Yves Saint Laurent lip gloss!" Jill said.
"You noticed all that?" asked Johnny.
"Yes I did. You didn't?" replied Jill.
Johnny said, "Not exactly. All I noticed was that she had legs all the way up to her very well rounded cute little butt, a spectacular set of tits and no wedding ring."
Then Johnny had to swerve again to avoid being slapped by an even more upset Jill.
263-
Q: Why do women fake orgasms? .
A. It will cause him to come faster so bad sex is over sooner.
264-
Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?
BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW CAR
265-
The time comes for Monty to break the news to his fiancιe Leah. "Darling," he says, "I have some bad news. Im breaking off our engagement."
"Oh why?" she sobs.
"Because Im going to marry another woman."
"Why? Can she cook better than me?" sobs Leah.
"No, not even on her best days," Monty replies.
"And will she buy you expensive presents like I always do? Will she take you on holidays and pay for the trips as I do?"
"No, she cant - she's not rich like you, shes very poor."
"Well then," sobs Leah, "is it the sex? Has she done things to you better than Ive done?"
"Absolutely no," replies Monty, "nobody makes love better than you."
"Then what on earth can she do that I can't?" Leah asks.
"Sue me for child support," replies Monty.
266-
According to the "Journal of Obstetrics and
Gynaecology," researchers have found that birth control pills give women's voices a more pleasant sound.
Of course it does, men always think it's more pleasant to hear "Yes," than "No."
267-
Jill claims that according to a new book called "The Hardness
Factor," carrots, bananas and cucumbers are just as effective as Viagra for men.
She says personal research has actually proven that depending on the size of the individual carrot, banana or cucumber, used that in many instances you might not even need the man.
268-
Why Women are better :
* We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming, or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.
* We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
* When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's sad.
* We can use cosmetics should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in.
* We can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as a "short woman's complex."
* We don't have to get our strength up between sessions... ... and it's much easier for us to get laid in the first place.
* We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
* We never ejaculate prematurely.
* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.
* We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
* We know that Tetris is the computer game to end all games.
* We got off the Titanic first.
* Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - they look like complete dicks in ours.
* We have total control over our eyebrows.
* We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
* It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.
* We can cry and get off speeding fines.
* The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts... and pool..... and football.
* We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers......
* Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
* We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our genitals.
* Taxis stop for us.
* We get drunk quicker and cheaper.
* We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever!
* We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
* It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a
'ruck' (or any other rugby thing). But we look INCREDIBLY cool if we do.
* We never recognise ourselves in aspects of Mr Bean. Ever.
* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
* Sorry........... We are just better.
269-
Real Women Respond To Advice Columns ...
Ladies: If a lady accidentally over-salts a dish while it's still cooking, she drops in a peeled potato and it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up". She uses ice cubes and/or bread to get the excess 'fat' from the top of her creation. OR, if she can make it a day ahead, put it in the fridge over night and spoon off the 'fat' that settled solid on top of her creation.
Real Woman: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Ladies: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Woman: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
Ladies: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Woman: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Ladies: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Woman: Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Ladies: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Woman: Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
Ladies: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Woman: Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do
it. Ladies: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Woman: Go ask the very cute neighbour guy to do it.
Ladies: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Woman: Leftover wine??
270-
How To Survive With Women: Treat Them Like Your Car.
Give it a regular, thorough going over. Touch up the exterior.
Rub it down nicely.
Have a quick tinker with the underside.
Clean out the tubes.
Make sure it's waxed regularly.
Is it easy to turn on? Does it need manual crank starting? Or bump starting?
Ensure your stick is firm and is not jamming.
Change the lubrication.
Check for leaks.
Check the rubber is not wearing thin.
Keep an eye out for bald patches.
Lift up the front and have a long hard look.
Check the rear end is clean and tidy.
Check for spare tyre and any handles.
Keep an eye on fuel consumption.
Check the condition of the big end.
Make sure the top can come down and look good on hot, summer days.
Make sure you will not have to spend half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Are the bodywork and lines to your liking? Is the interior comfortable?
Ensure that it responds well to you when you're in the driving seat.
Make sure it's always clean inside.
Make sure that it will not require any extra/expert servicing.
Check all crevices, especially the box, for dust, dirt, or insect nests.
Have any cracks been inexpertly filled in the past?
Check the mileage and for any previous lady owners.
And that no animals have ever been inside.
Fit a child lock.
The younger the better.
Check that it will not break down on you with no warning.
Make sure any unusual noises can be safely ignored.
Does it drive well in reverse?
Ensure you can tune the radio in to the football.
Ensure you have sole ownership.
If possible, test drive several times before committing to ownership.
Make sure that there is a proper response when you put your foot down, and that it is easy to control.
Avoid models that stall during use.
Check the odo(ur)meter regularly.
Avoid completely blocking the air intake.
Take care not to allow too much steam or moisture to build up when away from home.
Keep locked in the garage when not in use.
Ensure any problems are clearly expressed on the facia.
Check for pulling attachments.
Security: ensure no Joy riders can get their hands on it.
If necessary, fit an alarm.
See if the coil needs replacing.
Take it for a good thrash around
Are you allowed to take passengers with this model?
Watch out for nasty emissions.
Keep all leather accessories in order.
If necessary, fit a silencer.
Or use the choke and throttle properly.
For your own safety, never attempt to handle when drunk.
Check the hooters. If necessary, give it the horn.
Verify that airbags come out when required. Fit extra padding if necessary.
NEVER let your friends have a go.
Never make the mistake of thinking that if you traded in your current model you could get one like they have in specialist magazines.
Avoid taking it to the pub if you're drinking.
Long rides may be tiring, do not feel ashamed to stop, in the middle of it and fall asleep.
It is preferable to get an automatic as this means less time with your stick it your hand.
With a manual: to avoid unpleasant noises coming from it, avoid putting your stick into it's reverse position whilst in motion.
It is useful to have more than one for different purposes.
German models tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for frequent, brief usage.
Italian models are very responsive but change hands often (high mileage) and often make worrying noises.
American models tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel.
Attractive British models are hard to find and expensive to maintain.
Swedish models are usually very versatile.
Japanese models are mass produced and reliable, but very common and often unattractive.
French models are easy to come by but frequently disappointing.
Avoid models that are a tight fit for you; equally, stay away from those with very much more room space than needed.
Stay well clear of people carriers.
Executive models are hard to get going but once speed builds they don't take kindly to stopping stop.
Be wary of fast models as they will probably have high mileage and excessive amounts of wear in places.
The interior of ones which have been previously owned by old people will have a smell you will never get rid of.
It is unwise to take your father's/big brother's/mate's out without permission.
Do not get too attached to ones you have to rent.
It is NEVER advisable to own a 'wide load' model.
Replace every year with a newer model.
271-
Important Info for women:
1) Every blowjob you give adds one month to your life.
2) If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.
3) A hand-job a day keeps arthritis away.
4) Every ten minutes of love-making is equivalent to thirty minutes on the treadmill.
5) Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
6) Intercourse prevents divorce.
7) Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.
8) Sex eliminates headaches.
9) Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard", triples your chances of getting into heaven.
10) Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.
272-
How is Antarctica and a woman's clitoris alike?
Most men know it's down there, but most men don't care.
273-
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
274-
Come Ons And Come Backs
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there any more.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut.
Man : Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you will be on your knees sucking on my cock.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's how you got that little moustache
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised
Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load up your arse.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of bitch that's impossible to shake off once you've shagged her.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me.... as long as you are still a bit warm when I shove it in
ya.
275-
TOP TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN DURING AN ARGUMENT
10. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"
9. "Oh, you are so cute when you get pissed off."
8. "You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread."
7. "Wait a minute...I get it.. what time of the month is it?"
6. "You sure you don't want to consult the Great Oprah on this one?"
5. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."
4. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on."
3. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of BEE-AHTCH Flakes this morning."
2. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN DURING AN ARGUMENT...
1. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded
276-
At the time he was a blind date. We went out with some friends of ours who hooked us up together. We were in a bar and the place was packed. I wasn't too thrilled about him and I was pretty cocky. He spend the whole time talking about work and I was tired of it. I asked him if he wanted to see my Tweety bird tattoo. My girlfriend said "Oh yeah show him your tattoo! He'll love it." He said okay and I said it's on my butt! The whole place got quiet! I started to pull down my pants and asked if he saw it.
He said, "no."
So I pulled them down a bit more. "Do you see it?"
"No"
So I pulled them down further. (By then I had a whole room full of an audience. They were all gathered around). He gets down off his stool and looks really close at my butt and I ask if he sees it. By this time he is getting a bit embarrassed and says again. "no."
So I say "Dammit my pussy must have ate it!"
277-
Male Bashing
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odours, and don't work half the time.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man? I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention.
How is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because they already have boyfriends.
Why do men like masturbation? Its sex with someone they love.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade? Two ways to cross a river.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
What do men and beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?
How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Do you know why bankers are good lovers? They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives? They can irritate the shit out of you.
Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises? So oxygen can get into their brains
How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes
Why is it good that there are women astronauts? So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini
Why is a woman different from a PC? A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
How many men does it take to screw a light bulb? A. One - men will screw anything. B. One - men will screw up anything. C. Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it.
What is a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
Two aliens were discussing earth beings. "So what do you think of them?" said the first. "Well," the other replied, "I liked the intelligent ones, but I wasn't so keen on the ones with testicles."
Okay, okay! I take it back. Un-fuck you.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet!
Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Chaos, panic and disorder .. my work here is done.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
You look like shit. Is that the style now?
Earth is full. Go home.
Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
You are depriving some village of an idiot.
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
Look in my eyes ... Do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit?
278-
Tips for surviving PMS-for men!
Q: What can I do to end the havoc created every 28 days?
A: Absolutely nothing.
Q: Will it ever end?
A: Sure, but you'll be so old you won't notice.
Q: Why is it that I'm wrong so much during this awful time?
A: You just are, cope with it. Someone must bear the blame.
Q: Can I just pack up and go out with the boys?
A: Only if you are heavily insured and have a death wish.
279-
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
280-
Creation
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' .."
After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth.
Ruined the whole damn thing.
281-
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten."
The woman said, "That's okay." and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. "
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM! she's the most beautiful woman in th! e world. For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.
" The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM! she's the richest woman in the world.
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the email for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Attention Male readers: Please scroll down
. . . . . . . . . The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb when they think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen!
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"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career."
283-
Woman #1: "His pee pee is really small, you know, but the sex is wonderful."
Woman #2: "You mean he's rich?"
Woman #1: "Yeah. Exactly."
284-
Man Rules
1. Thou shalt not rent the movie Chocolat.
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
4. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
6. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
8. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional.
9. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
10. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.
11. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and, more importantly, the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
12. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem-you didn't see nothin'.
13. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
14. (Gas Warfare Act) you may flatulate in front of a woman only after you've brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers (Dutch Oven) for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
15. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin'", then you may sit back and enjoy.
18. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
20. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
21. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him... too gay.
22. Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "FUCKOFF!" You are absolved of your responsibility.
23. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
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He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
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A PRAYER....
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love, to forgive him; And Patience, for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death!
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I Will Survive (The male version)
At first I was afraid, I was petrified... Those 36 double D's were the perfect size. But I'd spent so many years dreaming of some boobs with power, that I grew hard, and I knew I'd have to take a shower.
But there you are, deceiving buns. I was ready for some melons and I get a couple of plums. I should have known that it was bullshit. Nothing could be that fantastic. I should have known that they were pushed up by a lump of liquid plastic.
Go on now go. Walk out the door. You don't look half the girl you did now your gel bra's on the floor. Weren't you the one who tried to fool me with your bull? Did you think I'd fumble, with a lot less than a handful?
I will survive, I will survive, cos as long as I've got Playboy then my dream is still alive. With a tissue and the
mag, I dream of the perfect shag. I will survive, I will survive... hey hey
It was very weird. It was quite bizarre. When your boobies disappeared as you removed your bra. I just couldn't help myself. I just had to have a cry, when I realised your breasts were in such a short supply.
Go on now go. This is goodbye, until you find a way to make your knockers pleasing to the eye Your bum is getting bigger, each time you use the loo So wipe the bog roll on your tits and maybe they'll be bigger too.
Go on now go. You'll get no hugs. I think that you should call them egg cups and not a set of jugs With tits as small as that you'll always be a virgin It's time for something drastic Maybe try a plastic surgeon
I will survive, I will survive, cos as long as I've got Playboy then my dream is still alive. With a tissue and the
mag, I dream of the perfect shag. I will survive, I will survive... hey hey
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70 things not to say to a man who is
Penis-impaired~
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Stop fingering me and fuck me.
4. I'm sorry.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don't we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It's more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a nightcrawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won'tt take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done.
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusion?
56. What is that?
57. Does thiis run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
65. Deep throat??? I doubt it'll reach my tongue!!!
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?
69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
70. Why can't you be more like Dave?
289-
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lαpiz.' A student asked: ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la
computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('el
computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They hold masses of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
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The neighbour dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
"What's wrong Marge?" she asked.
Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."
Surprised, the neighbour said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant!"
"I'm not," the harried young woman replied, "I'm just sick of mornings."
291-
A woman has pleaded guilty to assault after attacking a male stripper who failed to meet expectations at her daughter's bachelorette party. Jacqueline McPoodle, was sentenced to 30 days of court supervision in Greenfield, Illinois and was ordered to pay $2,000 to the victim.
The 28-year-old man suffered head injuries, bruises and scratches when he was punched, kicked and hit over the head with a beer bottle after his July 2002 performance at a local motel. Police said the women partygoers became angered because while performing allegedly a small potato fell out of the male stripper's briefs on to the floor.
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Nina and Rosey meet for lunch and Nina seems a little depressed.
"What's wrong Nina? " asks Rosey.
Nina replies, "Well, a friend of mine set me up on a blind date and I told her the criteria I was looking for in a man. "
"Yeah, so, what's the problem?" asks Rosey.
"Well, " Nina said, "My friend must have misunderstood me, cause the guy that showed up was as smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!"
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Women's prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for: -
Wisdom - to understand a man
Love - to forgive him, and
Patience - for his moods
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death
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As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring. "What happened, Lilly," she asked, pointing to the bare finger. "The wedding off?" "Yeah," Lilly admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and he looked so different without his wallet."
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How to speak about Women and be politically correct:
1. She is not dumb - She is a detour off the information superhighway.
2. She has not "been around" - She is a previously enjoyed companion.
3. She is not an airhead - She is reality impaired.
4. She does not get drunk or tipsy - She gets chemically inconvenienced.
5. She is not "hot to trot" - She is sexually focused.
6. She does not have implants - She is medically enhanced.
7. She does not nag you - She is merely verbally repetitive.
8. She is not "easy" - She is sexually extroverted.
9. She does not have major league hooters - She is pectorally superior.
10. She is not a two-bit whore - She is a low cost provider.
296-
Martin and Todd are talking in a bar.
Martin says, "Did you know that 60% of all men fall immediately asleep after they have screwed a woman?"
To which Todd says, "No, but what about the other 40%?"
Martin replies, "The other 40% must first drive home before they can sleep..."
297-
She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .
* I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
* I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!
* This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.
* Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wet spot.
* Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.
* That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?
* I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby- sitter Tracy.
* You're my daddy! You're my daddy!
* The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
* Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!
* While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
* Bar food again!? Kick ass.
* I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl- friend has class.
* That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
* I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
* I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's day gift!
* Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
* I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?
* It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
* Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Chuck's bare ass!
* My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
* I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
* Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!
* You are so much smarter than my father.
* If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.
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Things you will never hear a man say
* I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
* I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
* Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
* I wonder if my gorgeous neighbour knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
* No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
* Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore.
* I understand.
* This movie has too much nudity.
* Damn, we're late for church.
* No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
* Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
* Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
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Universal Dumping Guide Translator
This is a message for all of you singles. Is life getting you down? Guys, have you been getting depressed because there is simply not enough women to go around? And ladies, are you tired of the guys being to afraid to ask you out?
Well here it is, the answer to everyone's deepest wish! Here it is "The Guide to Being Dumped." These are the top 10 dumping lies translated to their true meanings for all of you.
"I'm not ready for that type of commitment" Translation: I don't want to date you; however, you can take me out to dinner and a movie every once in a while. Just don't hang around me so much that you scare away the people I really want to date.
"God doesn't want me to date right now. " Translation: I don't know why I said 'yes' in the first place. God doesn't want me to date someone as ugly as you.
"I only date older men/women." Translation: I only date older men/women who have more money than you do.
"You're just not my type." Translation: When I look at you, and think of kissing you, I get physically sick.
"You're too good for me." Translation: I'm too good/much/cool for you.
"You're too much like a brother/sister" Translation: I like you, but you just don't turn me on.
"You'll always have a special place in my heart." Translation: My lawyer will contact you soon about the restraining order.
"I think we should date other people." Translation: Look, I'm late for my date, he/she's probably waiting in the parking lot. I've got to go.
"I just don't have the time to date anyone." Translation: You do realize that I've been avoiding you for months now.
"Maybe we can get together real soon." Translation: Perhaps if you were the last man/woman on Earth.
300-
We love you girls, but please stay out of the sea, youre making the fuckin fish smell.
301-
Q. Why does it take a woman with PMT three days to change a light bulb?
A. BECAUSE IT FUCKIN DOES!
302-
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F. Y. I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function)
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)..... applies to engineers mainly.
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards... then I will certainly remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.
303-
A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl.
The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.
"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.
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Things NOT to say to a naked woman...
Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.
How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!
You must be very experienced.
Remember, you said this was a freebie... right?
Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.
I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.
Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt.
Would you mind rolling around in this flour.
I heard carpenters dream about you.
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
Look.... I can get my whole arm in.
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Is that an optical illusion?
If I look right at it I feel like I'm falling in.
Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
Do you mind if I wear one too... in case yours falls off?
Jeez... What ya got up there, dead fish?
I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
I've been wondering all night what that smell was.
Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body.
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
Oh, that's why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away.
Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.
I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.
You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.
You're not 'that' fat.
I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out.
Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.
305-
Signs Found In The Kitchen
So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking ... lower your standards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse.
It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
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NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?
BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him
Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who can handle it.
307-
Life from a Woman's Perspective
1. I love a Martini, but two at the most. Three, I'm under the table, Four, I'm under the host.
2. I want to be Barbie - that bitch has everything.
3. If the shoe fits... buy one in every colour.
4. I take life with a grain of salt... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
5. What part of Princess don't you understand?
6. Some call it cocktail hour - for me, it's a support group.
7. I'm on a 30 day diet. So far, I've lost 15 days.
8. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it.
9. My greatest fear is that there is No PMS, and this is just my personality.
10. I know I'm in my own little world, but its ok, they know me here.
11. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
12. Don't get your panties in a bunch. It solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.
308-
In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy. . . " Stop being a scrote! "
With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"
Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum.
He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."
309-
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
310-
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you'll get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects - sorry, that's just the way the game is played.
Simple Duties
You make sure there's plenty of fuel in the car = +1 You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station = -1
You take out the trash and stack it neatly by the curb = +1 You take out the trash at 4:30 pm, just as the truck pulls away. -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish = +1 You leave them under the bed = -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings = +5 But return with beer = -5
You leave the toilet seat up = -1 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty = 0
You make the bed = +1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows = 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets = -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night = 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing = 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something = +5 You pummel it with a six iron = +10 It's her father = -10
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party = 0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy = -2 Named Tiffany = -4 Tiffany is a dancer = -6 Tiffany has implants = -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her = +1 When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" = -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is cute, you say, "Yes, but not as cute as you" = +1 When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's cute you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed" = -6 That woman is her sister = -90
You have one drink, and that's it = 0 You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle = -2 You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted = -18
Things Of A Disgusting Nature
You unclog a stopped-up toilet = +6 You clean up cat, dog or human vomit = +7 You get rid of a dead rodent = +8 You remove the cat from the blender = +12 You take her mother to see 'Cats' = +16
Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together = +3 You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car = +4 You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar = -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it. +3 You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional 0 You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk = +3 Most of it chips and beer = -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den = +15 Or refinishing the floors = +16 Or rewiring the basement = +17 Or adding a second floor = +18 Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket = -6 And you're tickled pink about it = -15
You visit her parents = +1 You visit her parents and actually make conversation = +3 You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television = -3 And the television is off = -6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear = -6 And it's not your own underwear = -10
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner = 0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar = +1 Okay, it really IS a sports bar = -2 And it's all-you-can-eat night = -3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team = -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player = +3 You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing = +4 And you stink = +2 And you're not half bad = +5 You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause = -2
You give her a gift = 0 You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance = -10 You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance = +1 You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate = +2 You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months = +30 You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day = -10 With her credit card = -30 And whatever you bought is two sizes too big = -40
Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely = -10 You forget your anniversary = -20 You forget to pick her up at the bus station = -25 Which is in Newark, New Jersey = -35 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast = -50
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal = -5 And the pal is happily married = -4 Or frighteningly single = -7 And he drives a Trans Am = -10 With a personalised license plate (GR8 N BED) = -15 You have a few beers = -9 And miss curfew by an hour = -12 You get home at 3 am = -20 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars = -30 And not wearing any pants = -40 Is that a tattoo??? = -200
Her Night Out
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends = +5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late = +10 You wait up = +15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed. +20 She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but not before she pukes in the bathroom = +25 Which you clean up = +35
A Night At Home
You watch TV together = 0 You rent a movie = +1 You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY = +3 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout = +5 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep = -1 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool = -2
A Night Out
You take her to a movie = +2 You take her to a movie she likes = +4 You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand) +6 You take her to a movie you like = -2 It's called 'DeathBlaster 3' = -7 Which features cyborgs having sex = -9 You lied and said it was a film about orphans and puppies = -15
Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected = 0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it = +5 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself = +10 And she contracts Lyme disease = -25
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly = -15 You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it = +10 You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts = -5
Grooming
You trim your nails = +5 You trim your nails in the living room = -10 You trim your nails and flick them at the cat = -15 You shave on the weekends = +2 You don't shave on the weekends = -4 You don't bathe on the weekends either = -8 But then, neither does she = +8
Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical = -5 Something she can't use = -10 Such as a motorized model airplane = -20 And your kid needs braces = -30 In fact, all four of the kids need braces = -120
Driving
You lose the directions on a trip = -4 You lose the direction and end up getting lost = -10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town = -15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal = -25 She finds out you lied about having a black belt = -60
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" = -5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding = -10 You reply, "Where?" = -25
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression = 0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes = +5 You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV = +10 She realises this is because you've fallen asleep = -10
311-
"Do I look Fat" Responses
"Not to Stevie Wonder."
"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."
"No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!"
"I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat with an 'f' or phat with a 'ph.'"
"No hablo ingles."
"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out."
"No, but taking it *off* sure does."
"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."
"Not if you were travelling at the speed of light."
"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."
"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."
"Whoa! A talking couch!!"
"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"
312-
When you've forgotten that special gift the best solution is to jot down a letter for that special someone. To help you out I've written some suggestions for you.
Dearest (Sweetheart / Snuggle Dumpling / Insurance Policy Beneficiary / Woman With Whom I Live So People Will Think I'm Straight),
Last night, as you slept, I gazed at your face nestled gently upon your pillow and wondered (at your beauty / if you would notice I pawned the bed / when you stopped shaving) - and it makes me realize how inadequate (a mere present/a lousy diamond/paying my share of the rent this month) would be in expressing my love for you.
So, let me instead, (Sweetheart /Dear Heart /Goebbels-in-Drag / Sis), give you my heart, and with it (my soul /my eternal devotion / something for the rash / an erection the size of a Winnebago / an erection the size of a Honda Civic / an erection, just take my word for it), wrapped in a bit of sunshine that I have stolen from your smile.
Love and (Kisses / Hugs / Penicillin / The Attached Subpoena),
YOUR NAME HERE
313-
Things never to say when arguing with a woman:
Don't you have some laundry to do, or something?
Ooh, you are so cute when you get all upset.
Wait a minute, I get it... What time of the month is it?
You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
Sorry, I was just picturing you naked.
Whoa, time out honey, Frasier's back.
Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning.
I could so use some oral sexual stimulation right now.
Hey baby-if I want a lecture about commitment, I can get one from my real wife.
Who are you kidding? We both know that thing isn't loaded.
314-
Jane: I can't understand why men are so afraid of commitment!
Martha: Tell me about it! I lived with one guy for a year and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.
Jane: What did you say?
Martha: I just told him, "Look, either you tell me your last name, or get your shit out of my house !"
315-
Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.
"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.
"But that's just a feminisation of 'jacking off,'" said the first.
"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."
The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."
"What's that?"
"Finishing the job."
316-
I'm not saying she's easy but
She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
She's been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.
She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.
She's spent more time under men than barstools.
She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
She has an IUD with a beeper.
She uses industrial strength douche.
Her gynaecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.
Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
Her pantyhose has a pet door.
She was hospitalised for six months when a truck driver mistook her for the Holland Tunnel.
317-
Masturbation Terms For Women:
a.. Applying nail polish remover
b.. Auditioning the finger puppets
c.. Brushing your afro
d.. Buttering your bagel
e.. Checking for squirrels
f.. Checking the foxhole
g.. Checking the oil
h.. Checking the status of the I/O port
i.. Cleaning my fur coat
j.. Coaxing the genie out of the magic lamp
k.. Defrosting the freezer
l.. Dialling the rotary phone
m.. Diggin' the stench trench
n.. Digging for my keys
o.. Doing my nails
p.. Doing something for my chapped lips
q.. Doing the two-finger slot rumba
r.. Double-clicking your mouse
s.. Draining the tuna
t.. Drilling for oil
u.. Dusting the endtable
v.. Feeding the bearded clam
w.. Filling the pink taco
x.. Filling your niche
y.. Finding yourself
z.. Fingering something out
aa.. Finishing the job
ab.. Fishing for cumpliments
ac.. Fishing for mackerel
ad.. Flipping the light switch repeatedly
ae.. Flossing the cat
af.. Fluffing the kitty
ag.. Gagging my meat hole
ah.. Gagging the clam
ai.. Getting a lube job
aj.. Getting a stain out of my carpet
ak.. Getting a stinky pinky
al.. Getting the last pickle out of the jar
am.. Getting to know Sticky Fingers the mobster
an.. Going deep sea diving
ao.. Going to and from the Batcave
ap.. Hand tossing the tuna salad
aq.. Having ladyfingers and cream
ar.. Hitchhiking South
as.. Indoor fishing
at.. Jilling off
au.. JocelynEldering
av.. Makin' waves for the man-in-the-boat
aw.. Making your own gravy
ax.. Menage a moi
ay.. Mistressbate
az.. Muffin buffin'
ba.. Nail polish remover
bb.. Nursing a hatchet wound
bc.. Opening the bottom drawer
bd.. Paddling the pink canoe
be.. Parting the Red Sea
bf.. Petting the kitty
bg.. Playing the clitar
bh.. Playing the slots
bi.. Polishing the wedding ring
bj.. Preheating the oven
bk.. Priming the pump
bl.. Reading braille
bm.. Reading the map of Tazmania
bn.. Riding the unicycle
bo.. Riding your own mule down Grand Canyon
bp.. Romancing thy own
bq.. Rubbin Hood
br.. Rubbin' the nubbin
bs.. Scraping the cheese off the taco
bt.. Searching for Ms. "G"
bu.. Shebopping
bv.. Shucking the fresh water clam
bw.. Slapping Susie
bx.. Slapping the mackerel
by.. Sliding into home
bz.. Soaking in Palmolive
ca.. Spanking your puppy on the nose
cb.. Spearing the bearded clam
cc.. Spelunking in the mystery cave
cd.. Stirring the soup
ce.. Strumming the big open C
cf.. Surfing the web
cg.. Swimming in the Pu-Tang River
ch.. Taking a dip in the lake
ci.. Teasing the little man in the canoe
cj.. Testing the waters
ck.. The magical disappearing finger trick
cl.. The ole feel n' squeal
cm.. Tickling the kitty
cn.. Tiptoe through the Two Lips
co.. Tossing the pink salad
cp.. Twinkling the little star
cq.. Two-finger taco tango
cr.. Unclogging the drain
cs.. Visiting Niagara Falls
ct.. Visiting your safety deposit box
cu.. Wading in the Bermuda Triangle
cv.. Washing your fingers
cw.. Whipping your cream
cx.. Working out at the Y
Many names for a male pastime:
Answer the Bone-A-Phone
Assault on a Friendly Weapon
Backstroke Roulette
Baiting your Hook
Batting Practice
Bash The Candle
Beat Off
Beating the Bait
Beating the Bishop
Beating the Dummy
Beating the Snake
Beating the Stick (Please no more "beat")
Beating your Meat
Being your Own Best Friend
Bleed the Weed
Blow Your Load
Bludgeon the Beefsteak
Boppin' your Bologna
Box the Jesuit (16th-17th century!)
Buckin' it
Buffing the Banana
Buffing the Wood
Burping the Worm
Butter Your Corn
Calling Down For More Mayo
Calling All Cum
Carrying Weight
Cast Off
Changing your Oil
Charm the Cobra
Choaking Charlie 'till He Throws Up
Choke the Sheriff and Wait for the Posse to Come
Choke Kojak
Choke your Chicken
Civil War
Cleaning out your Rope
Clean the Pipes
Clean your Rifle
Clubbing Eddy
Couch Hockey for One
Cracking the Fat
Crank the Shank
Cranking
Cranking For Cum
Crown the King
Cuff the Carrot
Cuffing the Puppy
Cum The Scum
Custer's Last Stand
Date Miss Michigan
Date Mother Palm and Her Five Daughters
Devil's Handshake (Catholic School)
Diddle
Dishounorable Discharge
Disseminating
Doddle Whacking
Doodle Your Noodle
Do The Dew
Drain the Dragon
Drain the Monster
Drain the Vein
Dropping A Line
Dropping Stomach Pancakes
Firm Your Worm
Fist Fuck
Fist your Mister
Five Against One
Five Finger Knuckle Shuffle
Five Knuckle Olympics
Flogging Your Dong
Flogging Your Log
Flute Solo
Flying a Kite
Fondle the Fig
Freeing the Willies
Frigging the Love Muscle (British)
Gallop the Antelope
Gallop the Maggot
Getting In Touch With Your Manhood
Getting In Touch With Yourself
Getting to Know Yourself Personally in the "Biblical Sense"
Getting Your Caps Peeled
Giving it a Tug
Giving the John Hancock
Grease the Pipe
Greasing your Bone
Hack the Hog
Ham Shank
Hand Job
Hands on Training
Hand to Gland Combat
Hand Work
Having a Roy (Australian)
Have it Off
Have One Off the Wrist
Hitchhike Under the Big Top
Hitching to Heaven
Hit the Ham
Holding All The Cards
Holding Your Sausage Hostage
Hone your Bone
Hump your Fist
Hump your Hose
Humpin' Air
Ironing Some Wrinkles
Jack Hammer
Jack Off
Jackin'
Jackin' the Beanstalk
Jag Off
J Arthur Rank (British rhyming slang - wank)
Jazz Yourself
Jelly Roll
Jenny Macarthy Jaunt
Jerk Off
Jerk the Gherkin
Jerk the Johnson
Jiggle the Jewellry
Jimmying your Joey
Killing the Beast
Knock the Top Off
Knuckle Shuffle on your Piss Pump
Launching the Hand Shuttle
Leakin' the Main Drain
Loping your Mule
Making the Bald Guy Puke
Making Nut Butter
Making Yogurt
Mangle the Midget
Manipulate the Mango
Manual Override
Masonic Secret Self Handshake
Massage your Muscle
Massage your Purple-Headed Warrior
Measuring For Condoms
Meeting with Palmala Handerson
Milking the Bull
Milking the Lizard
Milking the Monkey
Milkywaying
Moulding Hot Plastic
Nerk your Throbber
Oil the Glove
Oiling The Pogo Stick
One Handed Clapping
One Man Show
One Man Tug-O-War
Pack your Palm
Paddle the Pickle
Paint the Pickle
Pain the Walls
Pam Anderson Polka
Pat the Robertson
Peel Some Chilis
Peel the Banana
Peel the Carrot
Petting Your Dog
Playing With Dick
Playing With Susi Palmer and her five friends
Playing With Your Noodle
Play Pocket Pool
Play the Organ
Play the Pisser
Play the Piss Pipe
Play the Skin Flute
Play the Stand-Up Organ
Playing With the Snake
Playing Your Instrument
Play With Yourself
Plunk your Twanger
Pocket Pinball
Pocket Pool
Polish the Chrome Dome
Polish the Rocket
Polish the Sword
Polish your Bayonet
Polish your Helmet
Polish your Piece (please - no more polish euphemisms)
Popping the Porpoise
Popping The Purple Pimple
Pound Off
Pound Your Flounder
Pound Your Piss Pump
Pounding your Pud
Pudwhacking
Pud Wrestling
Puddin'
Pull the Root
Pulling The Wire
Pulling Your Goalie
Pull Off
Pulling The Piss Pump
Pull the Pole
Pull the Pope
Pull Your Pud
Pull your Taffy
Pumping For Pleasure
Pumping For Power
Pump the Python
Punchin' The Clown
Punchin' The Munchkin
Punishing Percy
Punishing the Bishop
Ram the Ham
Ride the Great White Knuckler
Rolling The Fleshy Blunt
Roman Helmet Rhumba
Ropin' the Long Horn
Rope the Pony
Roughing up the Suspect
Rounding Up the Tadpoles
Routin' for the Yankees
Rub One Out
Rub the Unicorn's Horn
Runka (Swedish)
Scraping Your Carrot
Scratching the Itch
Seasonin' Your Meat
See Mrs. Palmer & Five Daughters
Self Love
Sending out the Troops
Shaking Hands With Abe Lincoln
Shaking Hands With the Governor
Shaking Hands With Shorty
Shaking Hands With the Unemployed
Shake the Snake
Shifting Gears
Shine Your Pole
Shining The Helmet
Shooting Enemies
Shooting Putty at the Moon
Shooting Sherman
Shucking Bubba
Slam the Hammer
Slammin' the Salami
Slappin' Pappy
Slapping the Clown
Slap Boxing the One-Eyed Champ
Slap My Happy Sacks
Slap the Salami
Slapping the Cyclops
Slapping your Chub
Slinging Jelly
Sloppy Joe's Last Stand
Sloppy Sign Language
Stroke the Stallion
Smacking your Sister
Snap the Monkey
Snap the Whip
Snapping Your Carrot
Spank the Frank
Spank your Monkey
Spear Chucking
Spreading the Mayo
Spunk the Monk
Squeeze the Cream From the Flesh Twinkie
Squeeze the Lemon
Squeezing the Tube of Tooth Paste
Squeezing the Burrito
Staff Meeting
Stall Clapping
Stir the Soup
Stroke Off
Stroking It
Stroking your Goat
Stroke your Poker
Taking a Shake Break
Tame the Wild Hog
Tap the Turkey
Tease the Python
Tease the Weasle
Tenderize the Meat
The Erky Jerk
The Sticky Page Rhumba
Threading a Needle
Throw off a Batch
Throwin' Down
Thump the Pump
Tickle the Elmo
Tickle the Pickle
Toss Off
Toss the Boss
Toss the Turkey
Tugging your Tapioka Tube
Tugging your Toobsteak/Toobsnake
Tug of War with Cyclops
Tuning the Antenna
Turning Japanese (UK - one step beyond wanking)
Tussle with Your Muscle
Unwrapping the Pepperoni
Varnishing the Cane
Wailing
Walk the Dog
Walking Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm
Wank (British)
Waxing the Dolphin
Wax your Jackson
Wax your Weasel
Wax your Willy
Whack Off
Whack Your Tack
Whip the Dummy
Whip your Dripper
Whipping the One-Eyed Wonder Weasle
Whipping the Pony
Whipping the Window Washer
White Water Wristing
Whizzin' Jizzim
Wiggling your Worm
Winding the Jack In The Box
Wonk your Conker
Working a Cramp out of your Muscle
Working your Willy
Wrestling the Eel
Wring Out your Rope
Wring Your Thing
Yahtzee
Yank My Doodle (It's a Dandy)
Yank Off
318-
As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks and doesn't speak.
And promises to do so at least once a week.
I pray that she is very randy,
'cause one like that would come in pretty handy.
Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
and once I'm done, she wants no more.
Oh, send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's a LOT from behind!
One who'll screw till my body's a twitchin'
and brings me a beer when she comes from the kitchen!
I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.
319-
This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____day of __________,
2005, by_______________________, between ____________and______________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have shit to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit - only sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions (i. e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.
7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.
8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it's really none of your damn business.
10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.
12. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
13. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the fuck home.
14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."
17. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.
19. No condoms, no fucking. Carry your ass home.
20. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.
21. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.
320-
How To Ask A Man To Do Something
Always remember these seven important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Blow Job
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.
3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job
4. Reward him for cooperative behaviour. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another
35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.
6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".
7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.
321-
Vibrators are better...
A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."
Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on tv.
Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!
When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not hear from them until we're ready.
It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.
Position is your choice, not his.
It always is hard.
You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
They don't get tired after the first time
They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.
In the morning you don't have to fix it breakfast.
Safe sex without a rubber
A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !
As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going! (while you keep coming and coming!)
Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you want!!
They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.
You can show it off to your friends.
They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another one
It doesn't leave a wet spot.
It can be stashed away in a drawer.
It doesn't have a mother!!
It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.
You know exactly where it's been.
Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
They never come before you do.
322-
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Jane
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours, Jane
323-
What's the most active muscle in a woman ?
The penis.
324-
What is a macho man?
After getting a blow job, he asks the woman; 'Was it as good for you, as it was for me?'
What is a more macho man?
At the critical moment, he can't get it up, he asks the woman, 'Does this happen to you often?'
325-
Pussy Ratings
1) Expensive Pussy: Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive Pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright
coloured shorts, and shirts with Greek letters on them.
98% of good pussy falls into this category.
Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.
Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion. Often not worth it.
2) Cheap Pussy: Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap Pussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shakes it off.
Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this. Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it. Often not worth it.
3) Hired Pussy: Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired Pussy and Expensive Pussy is that the money is up-front.
Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your girlfriend, doesn't care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive Pussy.
Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap Pussy in the long run, risk of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high. Often not worth it.
4) Virgin Pussy: This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin Pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.
Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained.
Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually into using birth control which can cause "accidents", can only be used once. Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing.
5) Nympho Pussy: Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania.
Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.
Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship. Often not worth it.
6) Frigid Pussy: Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this Pussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).
Advantages: There are no advantages.
Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized. Never worth it.
7) Innocent Nympho Pussy: Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.
Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can.
Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.
8) Party Pussy: Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.
Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to say the right things.
Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you. Often not worth it.
9) Nutsy Pussy: Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason.. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.
Advantages: Easy.
Disadvantages: Never really worth it
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Why Airplanes Are Easier To Live With Than Women
Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."
Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.
Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.
Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.
Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good
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The Honest Truth
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice, and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have no money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have money and thank God are straight, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW...WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?!?!
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Ladies, what kind of dick are you getting?
MISERABLE DICK - When the guy is extremely handsome. He says the right things and does the right things. When it comes to sex, he is lacking in this department. He sucks your tits too hard, kisses your mouth too long, stays around your neck forever, fingers you like a GYN Doctor, licks your pussy like he's in a track meet and has a very small dick. You try to give him some head, only to find that you are actually sucking a pacifier. This is so miserable. You think, "how can a guy so fine, so polite be so weak" To top everything off ladies, how about just when in your mind you're going to try to get the best out of this, even if you have to make yourself cum, and he beats you to the punch.
DAMN TOLERABLE DICK - This is funny dick. He eats major pussy. He eats it so good, your knees feel a little weak. It was good enough to make you shed a tear. Then he puts his dick in, just for you to realize that you cannot really feel it!! His stroke is UN-timely and non-rhythmic. You work with it by riding on it as if you were in a Wild Wild West Movie. You hold your pelvis real tight and try to visualize the last big dick you had to get your mind off this less filling dick. It's funny because in the man's mind he'll say, that we just have big pussies from having too much sex and that is why we cannot feel him. Only for them to forget that the pussy is a muscle that accommodates the size of the penis.
INTERNET DICK - Well, how would we define this type of dick? You see, online they talk a damn good game, but you never know what to expect in person. Then you meet and you fuck and the dick is trash. They talk the bottom out of it, but HE COULD NOT MAKE YOU CUM!!!
OVERWHELMED DICK - I believe this dick ladies we all can testify to. Whoa! This is the type of dick you misjudged. You saw some signs of weakness in this man. He always caters to you and really does not discuss what he can do in bed with you. When kissing him, you notice you make his knees weak. You hold out on giving him some and tease him. You know what size dick he has because you have either: (a) Already gave him some mean ass head, or (b) Stroked it while he was wearing pants or boxers. So, you thought in your mind, "I am going to whip him." Only to find he laid the "SMACK DOWN" on your pussy. He had you in a figure eight. You were so overwhelmed that you could not even speak. Your whole pre-calculated fuck was down the drain. He had more game than you. He was like an energizer bunny that keep going and going and you kept cumming and cumming. Now you look at him in a different light.
PUNISHABLE DICK - This is the dick that pisses me off the most. You see, the guy you're sleeping with punishes your pussy. If he has a bad day at work he "punishes your pussy". If he has a bad meal, "he punishes your pussy". If he is pissed off at you, he punishes your pussy." No matter what, he "punishes your pussy". It is easy to tell if the guy you're with falls into this category. He always uses phrases like these when he is fucking you: "DON'T RUN FROM THIS DICK", "AIN'T THIS SOME GOOD DICK?" "TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS DICK", "WHAT'S MY NAME?", "WHO'S PUSSY IS THIS?", "I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKIN' SHIT NOW", "YOU LIKE IT WHEN I GET IN THIS PUSSY DON'T YA?".
GUILTY DICK - The dick you're getting from someone who is not your man. Ladies who have cheated on their man temporarily can say, "AMEN" to this type of dick. Ladies, this is the type of dick that makes you cry and confess to your man you fucked someone else. The guilty dick made you want to tell somebody. Guilty dick is in a class of its own. Guilty dick will make you look and feel different about the dick you got at home. Guilty dick makes you have multiple orgasms. Makes you cry and you have no clue to why. This dick is so intense, when it is being administered it sends you into a trance. He has a slow, long stroke, sweats on you, asks you if your comfortable about six times, you started at 6PM and it is now going on
9PM and he is not tired and hasn't cum yet. The lips on your pussy are so swollen that if you got outta bed they would be draggin' the ground. It hurt so good. He licks on your pussy as if he was a baby cat licking warm milk, he
savours it like you're the main course meal. He smells it like fine wine. By now you're in shock and forget about your man. He has at least two inches more than your man. When you're back with your man, you're wondering why he can't perform like guilty dick. You even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct him to do what guilty dick did to you.
PLEASURABLE DICK - This is good convenient. Easy dick. Dick you can call when your body needs a fix. He gives you major head like GUILTY DICK, and fucks you like GUILTY DICK. Only thing is, you do not have a man so you're not feeling guilty. Whenever you call, this dick is ready. His dick craves your pussy. This dick is available in any place at anytime.
GODDAMN DICK - Ladies, now this is dick that will definitely send you to hell if you're not married to it. This dick is just like PLEASURABLE and GUILTY DICK. His dick is anywhere from 9.5 to 11 inches long and has the circumference of a half dollar. This dick makes you numb, cry and pray all at the same time. While he is getting it doggy style, you look towards the heavens and say,
"GODDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD DICK".
CAP'N DICK - This is the gold mine dick. This dick is the dick that you commit yourself too. You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept secret. In fact, you constantly crave and feign for it. When you get this dick, you go through convulsions. This is the dick that makes you EVERREADY. You call in sick from work for it. This dick is so major it is OVERWHELMED DICK, PLEASURABLE DICK, GUILTY DICK and
GODDAMN DICK all in one. This is the dick that you want to put insurance on, just in case anything should happen to it. This dick makes you stutter while speaking and has you nervous for no reason. You lay back afterwards thinking "THIS IS HOMEWRECKIN', GOTTA TELL MY MAMA, GOTTA TELLS SOMEBODY, ANYBODY DICK"
Now ladies, which one would/do you have?!!!
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Big Tits vs. Little Tits
Women with Big Tits..
..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the centre of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer
Women with Little Tits...
..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out
..can never be accused of having implants.
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Dictionary For Women's Personal Ads
40-ish ... 49
Adventurous ... Slept with everyone
Athletic ... No tits
Average looking ... Ugly
Beautiful ... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile ... Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure ... On medication
Feminist ... Fat
Free spirit ... Junkie
Friendship first ... Former slut
Fun ... Annoying
New-Age ... Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned ... No BJs
Open-minded ... Desperate
Outgoing ... Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate ... Sloppy drunk
Professional ... Bitch
Voluptuous ... Very Fat
Large frame ... Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate ... Stalker
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TEN WAYS TO TREAT A PENIS
1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e., "Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on it likes it's a raw Piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.
2.) When (Not "IF" ) giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner.
3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ... your aim is not that good, and Your100 Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.
4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's Dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the problem ... lubrication, the cure.
5.) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way.
6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!
7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July.
8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.
9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have that effect on him.
10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not that deep! What are you doing ... drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow you're much bigger Than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?"
And never never say "Is it in?"
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Some hints for women.
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forest Gump is unquestionably gay.
9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he does.
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you can still use them.
14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.
15. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -"don't" and "stop" (unless they're used together).
17. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.
18. If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day and he will be back to his usual self.
19. All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women pass by.
20. If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden he is probably checking out the women behind you.
21. Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a car, once you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but you don't know where it goes.
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After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some nice CDs to stack on the player. Then he excused himself and returned in
pyjamas and robe. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them each a drink, unaware that his new bride had already had more than enough to drink.
Finally, he took the girl of his dreams, whom he had wed after a whirlwind courtship, by the hand and tenderly began to lead her towards the bedroom.
"God!" she muttered, "every stinking time I go out with a guy it always ends up the same way."
334-
How are women like snow flakes???
They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can be cold as ice.
But they'll all melt when they land on your face.
335-
Men drive too fast, we were told, because the car is an extension of the penis.
But if it were, men would surely not drive too fast; they would just back in and out of the garage.
Or maybe just polish it all the time.
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How to Piss Off A Woman
Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do. Then go bowling.
Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes."
Tell her YOU have a headache, but you're willing to suffer with it through sex just to please her.
Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.
Fake your own orgasm while dining out.
Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse.
After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.
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"According to a new study, women use their entire brain when they're listening, whereas men only use half their brain. You know why that is? When a man is listening to a woman, the other half of the male brain is busy picturing what she looks like naked."
338-
My boyfriend came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight".
He was right, When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs- he couldn't get back in.
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Things to never say to a
woman during sex
Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.
How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!
You must be very experienced.
Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?
Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.
I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.
Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt?
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
Look ... I can get my whole arm in.
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Is that an optical illusion?
If I look right at it, I feel like I'm falling in.
Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?
Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish?
I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
I've been wondering all night what that smell was.
Maybe if I get really wasted I won't mind your body.
Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
I expect a good time ... at least, the bathroom wall said so.
You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.
You're not *that* fat.
I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out.
Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.
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Did you hear about the new all female delivery service?
It's called UPMS.
They deliver whenever the fuck they want to.
341-
Sing along to the tune of "I will survive"
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on....
But there you are? Another lie
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've bought me a french fry!
I should have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans!
(Chorus)
Go on now go, walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't rat you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count???!
I will survive! I will survive!
'Cos as long as I have batteries, my sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive!. . ..Hey! Hey!
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud!
But to hell with all your egos and to hell with all your needs
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
(Chorus)
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Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.
343-
Always remember these important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Blow Job.
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.
3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job.
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.
6. Use would you or will you instead of you'd better or do as I say and no one will get hurt.
7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.
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One day, three Aussies were hiking in the outback and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying: "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying: "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying: "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a sheila. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and then walked across the bridge!
345-
Jane: I can't understand why men are so afraid of commitment!
Martha: Tell me about it! I dated one guy for a year and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.
Jane: What did you say?
Martha: I just told him, "Look, either you tell me your last name, or it's over!"
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The Dictionary of Dating
ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.
EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.
EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.
347-
GOD CREATED THE ORGASM SO THAT WOMEN CAN MOAN EVEN WHEN THEY ARE HAPPY!!
348-
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
349-
WOMEN'S RULES FOR MEN
1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them.
2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote.
3. I always choose chocolate over men - ALWAYS.
4. 51% Love Goddess, 49% Bitch. Care to push your luck?
5. My sexual preference is NO.
6. My body is a temple, now get on your knees and pray.
7. It's not the size that counts, it's...No, wait, size does count!
8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice.
9. Men are like hardwood floors -- lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them forever.
10. Save your breath for your inflatable date.
350-
If exercise eliminates fat, how come women get double chins?
351-
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
352-
Marriage Contract For Women
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that... Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole*
minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
` Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would
be jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine month pregnancy.
Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...
Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you
have "ruined me for other men".
Section 6. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.
Section 6.01 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
Signed ____________________________________ (female)
353-
Bedtime Prayer For Men
As I lay me down to sleep I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde, and long; Who notices that she's mostly wrong;
One who sucks AND doesn't speak; And promises to do so once a week.
I pray that she is very randy, Because one like that would come in handy.
Opens her leg and lies on the floor; And once I'm done, she begs for more.
Oh! Send me a woman who won't play with my mind. Who knows what she wants, and that's lots from behind!
One who'll make love till my body's twitchin' And brings ME a beer when she comes from the kitchen.
I pray that she'll last right up to the end, And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and since you know I can't wait, I'll screw all the rest because it's never too late.
Amen
354-
Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and said, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."
"No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."
355-
Rules For A Man (100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)
1 Don't call, ever.
2 If you like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3 Lie.
4 Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
6 Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?
8 Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9 Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10 Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11 Lie
12 Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
13 Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
14 Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
15 Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
16 If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
17 If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18 TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19 Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
20 One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
21 Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22 Say things like "Wha...?"
23 Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24 Lie.
25 Deny everything. Everything.
26 Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me." (ripped off from George Castanza)
27 If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
28 Don't have a clue.
29 If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30 No means yes.
31 Yes means no.
32 If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
33 If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
34 Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
35 Feelings? What feelings?
36 Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37 Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
38 Lie I tell you!!
39 DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
40 Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
41 At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42 Lie.
43 "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
44 A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45 Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
46 Lie.
47 ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48 If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49 Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye
colour.
50 Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
51 It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52 Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.
53 Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54 Lie.
55 Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
56 Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
57 If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58 You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
59 You are male, therefore you are superior.
60 Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
61 Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
62 Don't ever notice anything.
63 If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
64 Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
65 Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
66 Lie.
67 If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
68 Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
69 If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
70 Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
71 Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
72 If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault- not you.
73 Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
74 If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
75 Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.
76 Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
77 Lie.
78 General Rule: Different is BAD.
79 If anyone asks you for a favour- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge
favour you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
80 Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.
81 If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
82 Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
83 Lie.
84 If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
85 When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."
86 Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)
87 If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
88 The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
89 Practice your blank stare.
90 Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.
91 If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.
92 If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
93 Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "No, Baby, I was BORN like this!"
94 Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Colour Me Badd, or Oldies.
95 Beer. Then more beer.
96 Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
97 One word: FOOTBALL!
98 Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
99 Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".
100 LIE
356-
Top 10 Online Lies
10. "I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend".
9. "You're different...........I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before."
8. "I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile...............but tell me more about yourself."
7. "I never do cybersex!! Yet here in this room alone with you, well I'm getting excited"
6. "Yes of course I'm female............"
5. "No this is my only screen name....You mean you can have more then one?"
4. "I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and guys love my body!" Male version is "I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out"
3. "I'm not like most of the guys here, I just want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other" (at the hotel coffee shop)
2. "I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts" (Which is
true, except it means "I'm horny and could care less, just type")
1. "Tonight my love...........our souls have touched.
357-
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. The only way to move things was by carrying or dragging. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation area. It was exhausting work. The guys were getting tired just WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had an idea. They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television.
358-
Your girlfriend is ugly when...
(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.
(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.
(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.
(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.
(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
(6) She makes onions cry.
(7) Her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.
(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.
(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.
359-
The penis-enlarging pills my boyfriend bought online must be working.
At this point, he's a bigger dick than he was a few months ago.
360-
A man has 27 parts that don't work for him.
20 nails that don't nail
1 belly button that doesn't button
2 tits that don't milk
1 cock that doesn't crow
2 balls that don't bounce
1 ass that doesn't do any work
So what are you women smiling at?
You have a pussy that doesn't catch mice!
361-
Got some bad news... I've got Bird Flu, I know its Bird Flu because I've started talking shite, moaning and wearing make up and I cant park the bloody car.
362-
Hurricane Katrina - typical female! When she came she was wild and wet. When she left she took the bloody house and all the contents with her!
363-
MALE COMEBACKS TO FEMALE COMEBACKS TO MALE CHAT UP LINES..
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.
Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well cos I've been shagging your mum while your dad watches.
Man: You're pretty
Woman: Piss off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat bitch.
364-
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?
A: A volcano never fakes an eruption.
365-
Him: "I woke up with a hard-on this morning, and it had your name written all over it."
Her: "I'm sure my name is far too long to fit the whole thing on your dick."
Him: "Oh, yeah? What's your name?"
Her: "Lu."
366-
SIGNS YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND:
1. He always scratches his crotch and says, "Damn! When is this gonna clear up?"
2. He could use a contact lens as a condom.
3. Taking you out to eat means firing up the grill.
4. Everytime you want to spoon, he wants to fork.
5. He refers to your little brother as a "real cutie."
SIGNS YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND:
1. She carries around Bride magazine and a highlighter.
2. She thinks an anniversary occurs once a month.
3. Her lucky numbers are your pin number.
4. Your friends know her by her porn name.
5. She just can't stand the taste of "it."
367-
Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions, But Never Will
1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.
2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that fucking ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
3. You've got no chance of me calling you.
4. No, I won't be gentle.
5. Of course you have to swallow.
6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
7. I hate your friends.
8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.
9. I'd rather watch a porno.
368-
Advice for women
1 Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2 What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3 If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4 Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5 Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6 Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7 If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
8 Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types
9 Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10 Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11 If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12 The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
369-
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
An over 40 woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If an over 40 woman doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting.
An over 40 woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants, and from whom.
Few women past the age of 40 give a darn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
An over 40 woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and" commitment." The last thing she wants in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover
Over 40 women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Over 40 women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
An over 40 woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. A woman over 40 woman couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an over 40 woman. They always know.
An over 40 woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
Over 40 women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise over 40 women for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
370-
There are more men than women in mental hospitals - which just goes to show who's driving who crazy.
371-
Feminist wisdom
Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
(Unknown)
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-
My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-
I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
372-
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.
This is being considered a major break-through and will solve a perennial problem.
The perennial problem: Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
373-
101 LIES MEN TELL WOMEN
1. I'll call you.
2. I love you.
3. You're the only one.
4. I've never felt this way about anyone else.
5. I've got to work late at the office tonight.
6. That's the best sex I've ever had.
7. You've got the most beautiful eyes
8. No, I'm not married
9. Sorry. I must have left my wallet and credit cards at home.
10. You just have to believe me when I tell you nothing's wrong.
11. I'm ready to make a commitment.
12. Except for a beer or two, I never drink.
13. My wife and I haven't had sex in years.
14. We'll get married as soon as I ...
15. I'll be home in twenty minutes.
16. It's not that I don't care- I just have to spend more time with my kids.
17. I've only slept with maybe ten women in my entire life.
18. I've been celibate since we broke up.
19. I could never lie to you.
20. I can still last all night
21. I always use a condom
22. I can help you get a great job in my company (field)
23. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up
24. I tested HIV negative
25. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up
26. The only sexual fantasies I have are about you
27. No, I don't think your thighs (stomach, breasts, hips, etc.) are too big
28. I'm too tired
29. How could you think I'd be interested in her? She's your best friend
30. When it comes to oral sex, I'm the best
31. I've never had any trouble keeping an erection before
32. It's you and me, babe - we'll make love all over Europe
33. I'd never do anything to hurt you.
34. I want to grow old with you
35. Believe me, my wife and I live very separate lives
36. Our having sex won't change a thing between us
37. Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy
38. I'm going to leave my wife
39. You're nothing at all like my mother
40. Your being a different religion doesn't matter to me
41. It doesn't bother me that you make more money than I do
42. Even without sex, we'd still be friends
43. I think older women are the most exciting
44. I'm considered one of the top people (in my field, in the company)
45. What attracts me to you is your mind
46. We'll split all the child care and household chores fifty-fifty
47. Of course I don't mind that you didn't come
48. I've never had an affair before
49. You're the only one who understands me
50. I've never been in therapy
51. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me
52. No, I'm not seeing anyone else
53. I haven't thought about her (old girlfriend) in years
54. How many times do I have to tell you I'm not having an affair?
55. Your career is as important as mine
56. I promise you that I'll change
57. I want us to remain close friends always
58. My wife and I have an understanding
59. You're wonderful; you deserve someone better than me
60. I don't masturbate
61. Let's be friends first
62. When you walked through that door, I knew it was the real thing
63. I'd like you even if you were a man
64. It's okay to be good looking, but looks just don't mean that much to me
65. The difference between us will bring us even closer
66. I spend everything I earn on you and the kids
67. No, I never said that
68. You make me feel like a kid again
69. I'm going out with the boys (to the gym, to the office)
70. I'll move wherever you want
71. Of course I'm not bored with you
72. As soon as I finish this project (get a promotion, a raise, make partner), we'll......
73. You've got more sex appeal in your little toe than my wife's got in her whole body
74. It wouldn't be you and me anymore if I used one of those
75. Let's pool our assets - whatever is mine is yours
76. I still find you just as attractive as the day I met you
77. Divorce is the farthest thing from my mind
78. Sure, I'll watch the kids
79. It's not just the sex I want, it's being close to you.
80. We'll be spending a lot of time together when I retire
81. You're the only reason I've worked so hard
82. If I didn't have all this work, you know I'd go with you and the kids to your mom's
83. No one's ever turned me on like you do
84. My boss says there's nothing to worry about
85. I'll never tell
86. Relax, she's just a friend
87. This is just a temporary separation until we get things worked out
88. Your hair (dress, outfit) looks fantastic
89. It was just sex - it didn't mean a thing
90. Of course I'm listening to what you're saying
91. Come on in and we'll just cuddle for a few minutes
92. No, I don't think you're fat
93. You're the woman I should have married
94. I'm going to be focusing on my work for a while now.
95. I guarantee you, I'm not the father
96. Your having kids has nothing to do with my not wanting to get married
97. I'm not ashamed of the way you talk (look, act, etc.)
98. It's nothing personal; I just don't like sharing my living space with someone
99. This time I'm really serious
100. Honestly, honey, it's just for the guys - none of the wives go to the conference
101. I'll always take care of you.
374-
ALTHOUGH many men in our rural area have difficulty accepting women's lib, my husband helps with the housework. One day he took over the vacuuming while I went to the store.
The doorbell rang. It was one of his friends, a burly ranch foreman clad in a battered cowboy hat, faded jeans and worn boots. "I was just cleaning," my husband said somewhat abashed, turning off the vacuum.
The rancher looked relieved. "That's all right," he said gruffly, handing my husband a white paper bag. "I'm delivering Avon!"
375-
According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you.
They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive.
Women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very very popular.
376-
How to Piss Off A Woman
Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do. Then go bowling.
Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes."
Tell her YOU have a headache, but you're willing to suffer with it through sex just to please her.
Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.
Fake your own orgasm while dining out.
Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse.
After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.
377-
Q: What do you say to a man who you've just had sex with?
A: Say whatever you want... he's asleep.
378-
Top ten things you'll never hear one woman say to another woman:
1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?
2. Oh, look, that women and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself!
3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.
4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
5. He makes more money than I do, so I broke up with him.
6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!
7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the
colour choices!
8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his separate way for once?
10. I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt is fat!
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How To Ask A Man To Do Something
Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Blow Job
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.
3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job
4. Reward him for cooperative behaviour. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.
6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".
7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.
OK, seven rules.
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At the college, male & female students were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
Females wrote : When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, then, it is spiritually and morally acceptable to society that they both engage themselves in the act of physical sex with one another.
Men wrote : 'I love sex.'
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There's a double standard, even today. A man can sleep around and sleep around, and nobody asks any questions. If you're a woman, & you make nineteen or twenty mistakes, right away you're a whore.
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Eve was just created by God and goes to Adam to say hello. When she
sees Adam, she gets really horny and the following conversation takes place....
Eve: "Oh! Adam! Take me immediately!"
Adam: "What???"
Eve: "Go ahead Adam! Come on, take me!"
Adam: "Hey, leave me in peace, you can see I'm busy!"
Eve: "C'mon Adam! Take to me quick and strong!!"
Adam: "If you make me mad, I'll clout you!"
On this rather strong retort, Eve says, "Ah well, Adam, since you don't want a shag, I'll screw the first thing that comes along!"
Eve starts to look around and a few minutes later, she meets a dinosaur.
Eve: "Oh! Dino! Take me immediately, right here!"
Dino: "???!?"
Eve: "Go ahead Dino! Come on, jump on top of me!"
Dino: "But what are you thinking of, Can't you see that I am a dinosaur? Dinosaurs can't screw the female of your species!!"
Eve: "Come on Dino! Don't worry about that! Take me quick and hard!"
Dino: "Sorry, it's out of the question!"
This reply really pisses Eve off. She attacks the dinosaur, and scratches him to pieces and finally tears the balls off him as the poor
dinosaur, really suffering, flees to escape Eve.
As Eve continues her hunt for a shag she spots a fine looking gorilla.
She groans again.
Eve: "Oh! Gorilla! Take me immediately, I really need to be screwed!"
Gorilla: "???!?"
Eve: "Go ahead gorilla! Come on!"
Gorilla: "What! What's up with you? I am a gorilla and the gorillas do not do that with a female of your tribe!!"
Eve: " Come on gorilla! Don't worry about that! Take me quick and hard!"
Gorilla: "Sorry, out of the question."
With renewed anger, Eve jumps on the gorilla, to scratch him to bits.
The gorilla quickly realizes that she's going to do him some serious damage ands tries to escape. As he gets away, Eve rips the hairs right off of his ass.
She carries on her route, still looking for some sex, when she discovers a splendid lake surrounds by grass and flowers. The birds sing and the fish jump out of water to catch the mosquito's. Eve, by this time is really, really desperate.
In desperation Eve jumps into the water, catches a fish and uses the fish to satisfy her needs.
The Moral Of The Story:
Now we know why the dinosaurs died out and why gorillas don't have a hair on their bums. But we'll never, ever know, what the original smell of fish was...
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THINGS A MAN DOESN'T APPRECIATE BEING SAID WHEN A WOMAN IS LOOKING AT HIM NAKED
1. Why is God punishing me?
2. At least this won't take long.
3. I never saw one like that before.
4. But it still works, right?
5. It looks unused.
6. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
7. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
8. Are you cold?
9. If you get me real drunk first.
10. Is that an optical illusion?
11. What is that?
12. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
13. Does it come with an air pump?
14. So this is why you're to judge people on personality.
15. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.
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More Things A Man Will Never Say
* I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
* I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
* Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
* I wonder if my gorgeous neighbour knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
* No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
* Better get ride of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore.
* I understand.
* This movie has too much nudity.
* Damn, we're late for church.
* No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
* Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
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How Vibrators Are Better Than Men!
It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
Vibrators don't prematurely ejaculate
A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."
They don't get tired after the first time
You never have to lie to a vibrator by saying it was good or ... that you had an orgasm.
Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on TV ... or Fishin'!
Vibrators never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries when it tires.
Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!
You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to!
Vibrators don't hog the remote ... Nor the computer!!
We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.
Position is your choice, not his.
You don't have to suck it.
It works "while" the sports games are on.
It always is hard.
It doesn't leave a mess behind.
You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
You don't have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested in it the next morning.
They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.
They never drink too much and embarrass you.
You don't have to tell the vibrator he's the best you ever had!
Safe sex without a rubber
Vibrators don't ask who your Daddy is
Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times!
Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime anywhere you want!!
They never ask how they were.
They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
You don't have to stroke its ego.
They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another get-go.
It doesn't leave a wet spot.
You can carry it with you at all times, and not feel obligated to feed it.
It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard
It has no problem finding the "g spot."
You know exactly where its been.
Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
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9 TYPES OF GIRLFRIENDS
1. Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn't have." Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.
2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can't you see you're making me miserable?" Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans
3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps." Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, or hair
colour?" Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on the front lawn. I done it before. It's fun!" Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at" Also Known As: No Fun,
Humourless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.
8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship" Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.
9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you like a crazed weasel." Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One
Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you. Hunted to extinction
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Ways to piss a guy off ....
Tell him he has to recite a Shakespeare love sonnet before you agree to do the horizontal bop.
Tell him his brother is a better lay.
Tell him his sister is better in bed than his brother is.
Take the remote control apart and damage the circuit board inside. Put the remote back together. Smile sweetly while he goes nuts.
Create an email account in his best friend's name. Email him suggestive letters and sign it, Love, Floyd.
Rub his stomach. Say "Bhudda, Bhudda, bring me luck."
Fake an orgasm while riding in the car and stopped at a stop sign. Double points if the car is parked outside his
favourite bar.
Subscribe to Woman's World, Cosmo and Redbook. Make the subscription in his name.
Call your mum. While he's listening, invite her to move in with you.
Buy 1 ticket to his favourite, sold-out sporting event. Say, "It was the last one, but to prevent any hard feelings, I'll just tear it up so we don't have to decide who goes." Burn the ticket.
Out of the blue, look him straight in the eye and say, "It doesn't matter." Ignore him for 30 minutes.
Tell him your pregnant and you *think* he's the father.
Write a letter to another guy during sex.
Tell him you shoved $200 in $1s into a Chippendale dancer's shorts the last time you went out for a night on the town with the girls.
Clean his tools with his favourite shirt.
Give him all kinds of fabulous promises about the best blowjob he's ever had. Just before you start, say "DAMMIT! Chipped a tooth. Oh, well, it won't matter."
Tell him you've invited some friends over to play strip poker. Then say that his golf/fishing/hunting/poker/drinking/etc. buddies should be here any minute.
Tell him you've always wanted to be a man and you finally have enough money saved up for the operation. Triple points awarded if you say it in front of his parents.
Tell him you want to be closer to him all the time, so from now on your gonna use ONLY his razors to shave your legs.
Burn his favourite meal, three times in a row. Make a salad in its place.
Tie him to the bed. Paint his toenails bright red.
Tie him to the bed. Put on your sexiest lingerie. Do a striptease for him. Then have a long, heart-to-heart talk with him.
Tie him to the bed. Put on an adult movie with the sound on and the screen turned at an angle that makes it VERY difficult to see.
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You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse. Then of course, there's the hot air factor.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
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Women Are Like...
Women are like blue jeans, They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.
Women are like computers, they take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one.
Women are like country western songs, They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot.
Women are like fax machines, Useful for one very specific purpose but otherwise just high-maintenance paperweights.
Women are like horses, Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and clean up after.
Women are like parking meters, If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences.
Women are like parking places, The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Women are like political campaign contributors, If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with them.
Women are like refrigerators, They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one.
Women are like Saran Wrap, Useful but clingy.
Women are like the stock market, They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful.
Women are like turnpikes, You pay to get on them, and you pay to get off them.
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NOT THE BEST PICK-UP LINES
- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted?
- For the longest time I lived with a hairdresser named Bruce, but then I had this sudden relapse of heterosexuality.
- When we get back to my apartment, whatever you do, don't tease the pony.
- You know, if my wife wasn't so hung up on this faithfulness thing, she'd probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet.
- I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a coat-hanger to the metal plate in my head and was using it as antenna to read my thoughts.
- No, really, I read Playboy for the articles.
- My most painful memory? Hmmm... That would have to be when those three guys cornered me in the showers in prison.
- Who can blame Woody Allen?
- After our last date, when I got home I had this aching in the pit of my stomach. I thought it was because I missed you, but it turned out to be food poisoning.
- How about after dinner we take a romantic stroll by the oil refinery? The fumes will give you a really cool buzz.
- Now I'm just speaking hypothetically here, but let's say you were at some guy's house, opened the refrigerator, and saw a human head. Would you call the cops?
- I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn't get into med school, so now I just pursue
gynaecology as a hobby. I even have my own stirrups.
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Waxing
All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal-the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the
EpilStop, and now .... The Wax. My night began as any other normal weekday night .I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for awhile. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: "maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet". I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your
hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think. So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each
other, stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm guessing). I go one better. I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.) I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the
world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire! With my next wax strip, I move north. After checking on my son and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind! Blind from the pain! Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums? OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist. But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could the wax go, if not on the strip? Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!" And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of The Tar Baby. I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet. I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass? Sealed shut. A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to shit anytime soon. Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next. Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong. I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit. Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. So now I'm stuck to the tub. I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and pussy are stuck to the tub. She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress laughter. She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now. I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off! In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from C and we hang up. I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a moustache might start to come in. Tonight, I attempt hair dying.
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13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
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In Praise of Older Women
An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman
doesn't care what you think.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after
a cup of herbal tea.
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam
jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
There's no need to be phobic about "committing" to an older woman - the last thing she needs in her life is another
clingy, whiny, dependent man.
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman
will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.
Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when you need to start replacing your old
fillings.
An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!
Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut take out.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends When she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young
women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
Older women know what Kegel exercises are.
An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in
front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night In a public park.
An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen
them first.
And that's my friends is way I married an OLDER WOMAN.....LOL
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BATHROOMS versus RESTROOMS
RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends. Then she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' and get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just called to let you know you ruined my life
I'll never forgive you
I hate you
you're a total floozy. ..but, I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.'
LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about their experiences with women.
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man wouldnt be able to identify most of the items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men hiss at them.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.
MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, Graphic equalizers, Video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to operate.
JEWELLERY: Women look nice when they wear jewellery. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.
TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' or "Got anymore beer?'
RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to use the little boys room. Do you want to join me?
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SO THE BLIND DATE WENT BADLY? Clasp his/her hand tenderly as you part and say:
"THIS IS THE BEST TIME I'VE HAD SINCE..." (choose one of the following)
a.) "the night my car broke down near the dairy farm, and I pissed on the electric fence."
b.) "my last mammogram, when the machine jammed..."
c.) "my date's vasectomy leaked on my new suede skirt..."
d.) "the IRS audit denied Grandma as a dependent, just because she runs a little 'massage
parlour' in the basement."
e.) "my ex-husband stopped by to introduce me to his boy friend..."
f.) "my girl friend dumped me, and I spent the weekend watching the roaches drive off the kitchen rats..."
g.) "that ski weekend I bunked with 2 really cute babes... engaged to each other."
h.) "the night before my budget presentation, when Rover crapped on my laptop PC..."
i.) "my date got sick, and had me take out her cousin Brunhilda. Did you ever see a women wrestler crack walnuts in her armpit?"
396-
Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something the majority of men would rather not question in case they discovered that she has been all along, and that they are not in fact the stud they thought women go wild for, but rather a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.
For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.
1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking it.
2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the job at hand, and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.
3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby" she is faking it. If she says "Don't stop!" she isn't.
However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.
397-
If God were a woman.
1. Sex would smell like chocolate
2. Farts would smell like roses
3. Dogs would smell spring fresh
4. Babies would come from vending machines
5. Men would be born with a permanent erection
6. All women would have the same size breasts
7. There would be no cellulite
8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE
9. Men would be born with an "OFF" switch
10. There would be no "Tittie Bars"....Male Revue would continue
11. Every man's paycheque would be made payable to his wife
12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii!
13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle
14. Men would come with software to be custom designed
15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife
16. Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth
17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches and three inches
18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds
19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek
20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug
398-
A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin under the buttocks. The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.
Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:
1. Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.
2. Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of cover story headlines.
3. Dad: now surfs with two remotes Mom: never complains
4. She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door.
5. The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment.
6. Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at $600 bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV.
7. The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...
8. "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumb ache."
9. Finally, size really *doesn't* matter.
10. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry..."
11. Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon's name.
12. Side effects? Who cares about... oh... *oh*... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!
13. In addition to "Mute" and "Favourite," the wildly popular Radio Shack Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O."
14. Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their partner... errr, never mind.
399-
Why is it that a woman can guide a 1.5" diameter penis into an inch diameter vagina in pitch black darkness without looking and cannot park a 6 foot car in a 10 foot parking spot in broad daylight?
400-
24 Things Women Want To Hear In 2006 (those women and their fantasies....)
1. Gee Sweetheart, let's skip dinner tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is you.
2. Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
3. Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
4. Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.
5. What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
6. How about I give you a nice massage and foot rub. I really don't like sex that much anyway.
7. You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
8. What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
9. Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.
10. While your up Sweetheart, can you get me a glass of water. I think I've had enough beer.
11. Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.
12. There ought to be a law against those porno movies. Can you believe that there are guys that would actually want their wives to do those things they show?
13. Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
14. I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
15. You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
16. Look at that... disgusting. Why would she wear a short skirt like that with no panties?
17. Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.
18. My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
19. If the guys call and want me to go to that new strip club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
20. You know Sweetheart, I'm really glad you don't like doing all those dirty things they write about in those stupid sex advice columns.
21. Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
22. If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
23. You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.
24. Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.
401-
Q: What's the first thing a woman should do when she gets out of the battered
women's shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.
402-
Women can sleep with whoever they want;
Men have to sleep with whoever will let them
403-
She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .
I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!
This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.
Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wet spot.
Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.
That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?
I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby- sitter Tracy.
You're my daddy! You're my daddy!
The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl?
While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
Bar food again!? Kick ass.
Liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl- friend has class.
That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's day gift!
Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?
It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Chuck's bare ass!
My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!
You are so much smarter than my father.
If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Match of the Day.
404-
Advice to Men About What Women Want
1 - Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
2 - If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
3 - Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent, affordable childcare. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more idiots in Congress blathering about orphanages.
4 - Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at ... say Carl, the brain-dead jack-off in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now, imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo
5 - This is very important: during lovemaking, don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.
6 - When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.
7 - Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.
8 - Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should *know* if she came.
9 - Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.
10 - When she catches you cheating on her and she cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.
405-
Ever notice how there's an inverse relationship between a woman's bra size and intelligence?
The larger the bra she wears, the dumber the guy she's talking to gets.
406-
New studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get pregnant.
Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long Island Ice Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a Camaro with sticky hair.
407-
Fishing Vs Women
1. A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.
2. You don't have to eat a fish while it's still flopping around.
3. You can go in the bush anytime you want.
4. Stroking your rod won't piss off a trout.
5. Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay expected of you.
6. Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats.
7. A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.
8. 2 hours of complete silence. (ok, a 2 hour blowjob will achieve the same thing...but then you will owe her a diamond the size of a small rodent!)
9. You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your dick.
10. If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.
11. A smart fish knows when to keep it's mouth shut.
12. It's okay to cook a fish to make it taste good.
13. Fish bite for a guy of 60, same as they do for a guy of 20.
14. You're never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.
15. Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.
16. You generally can go home with a dozen fish before anyone says anything.
17. The fish will usually nibble gently on your worm before they engulf it entirely in their mouth.
18. If you pull out too quickly, all that happens is that you have a happy fish.
19. A fish doesn't care how big your rod is.
20. Blowfish!
408-
Woman Shopper's Prayer
Our Cash, Which art on plastic
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Gucci Watch
Thy Prada Bag
In Saks
As it is in Harrods
Give us each day our Platinum Visa
And forgive us our Overdraft
As we forgive those who cease our Mastercard
Lead us not into Poundstretcher
And deliver us from Topshop
For thine is Versace, the Akira & Armani
For Chanel No. 5 and Eternity
409-
Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.
410-
Q. When a woman arouses a man and leaves, she is known as a cock teaser. What is a male called when he does the same to a female?
A. Moisturizer
411-
Women, start your day with a positive outlook
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. PC will ask, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
6. Feel better?
412-
It's time for sex change surgery, testosterone replacement therapy, monastic life or marriage.
413-
New Year's Resolutions For Him & Her [Him (Y) / Her (X)]
X - Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Y - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)
X - ONLY - one chocolate bar per week
Y - ONLY - three nights at topless bar per week
X - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Y - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote
X - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Y - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalogue mailing list
X - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Y - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing
X - Get organized/clean house
Y - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)
X - Buy new Daily Planner
Y - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture
X - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Y - Score with tall, long-legged Blonde in Finance
X - Read More / Less TV
Y - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!
X - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Y - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER
X - Plan budget / Save more money
Y - Only three nights at topless bar per week
414-
HOW TO DRIVE A WOMAN NUTS......
Never give her a straight answer.
Take up yodelling and practice a lot.
Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
Super-glue the toilet seat in the up position.
Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
Answer every question with "Yes, dear."
Use with caution...as PMS is a valid murder defence in many states.
415-
STUPID AND HEARTLESS THINGS TO SAY IN THE LADIES CHANGING ROOM
# That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it?
# I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday.
# Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were a man...
# I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because he said it made me look like Edna Everage.
# Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples...
# Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU
# Look, if you're that desperate to attract a man I'll fix you up myself
# Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don't. Is the 'plain, severe and drab' look in this season?
# Size 12? That's a bit optimistic isn't it?
# Hi, I'm from Weightwatchers
# I wouldn't buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuate your roots
# Excuse me, but since you're obviously colourblind would you like any help?
# Isn't it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that?
# God, you're fat. Don't you care about yourself?
# I'm sorry, I owe you an apology. I'm the store detective and I followed you in here because I thought you'd stuffed six dresses, four skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it's really all you...
416-
Why do women have two holes close together?
Just in case you might miss one
417-
Quotations from women about women . . . . . .
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. [Helen Hayes, at 73]
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. [Janette Barber]
Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. [Jan King]
A male gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. [Carrie Snow]
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. [Laurie Kuslansky]
My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. [Erma Bombeck]
Old age ain't no place for sissies. [Bette Davis]
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. [Rhonda Hansome]
The phrase "working mother" is redundant. [Jane Sellman]
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. [Jennifer Unlimited]
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. [Caryn Leschen]
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. [Catherine Aird]
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss and they called ME slow! [Kathy Buckley]
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. [Erica Jong]
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. [Sue Grafton]
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. [Roseanne Barr]
I think - therefore I'm single. [Lizz Winstead]
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. [Elayne Boosler]
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. [Maryon Pearson]
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. [Gloria Steinem]
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. [Marie Corelli]
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? [Linda Ellerbee]
I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. [Zsa Zsa
Gabor]
418-
Dating Types
DANDY LITTLE HOUSE KEEPER: She has been married three times and kept all the houses
FINE CHARACTER She's an ex-hooker
KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE MONEY: She's a spend thrift and great at spending yours
SPOTLESS REPUTATION: She's a slut
STRONG FAMILY TIES: She's a Mafia Princess
LOVES CHILDREN: She's pregnant and needs a husband
WONDERFUL PERSONALITY: She's fat
GREAT SENSE OF HUMOUR: She's fat and will laugh at anything you say
THE OUTDOOR TYPE: She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, just like the guys
READY TO SETTLE DOWN: She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry
LIKES TO HAVE A GOOD TIME: She gets piss drunk
LOTS OF FUN AT PARTIES: Often makes an ass of herself
MATURE WOMAN: She's at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five
HAS THE APPEARANCE OF A YOUNG SCHOOL GIRL: She's at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager
CASUAL: She dresses like a slob
DECORATED HER OWN PLACE: Her apartment resembles a pig sty
A GREAT DANCER: She a Stripper/Lapdancer
NOT OVERLY EMOTIONAL: She only cries twenty-seven times a day
DOESN'T CHASE MEN: She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type
SELDOM DATES: She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something
UNDERSTANDS MEN: She's been married and divorced four times
A GOOD SPORT: She knows two hundred jokes & can drink you under the table
LOOKS AND DRESSES LIKE A MODEL: She's five eleven and weighs seventy-three pounds
BEEN IN SHOW BUSINESS: She's a former porn movie star
TRAVELLED A LOT: She's been in a LOT of Motels
KNOWS A LOT OF INTERESTING PEOPLE: None of whom would marry her
WONDERFUL DISPOSITION: She has PMS
A HARD WORKER Retired from "Hooters"
419-
MALE SPEECH PATTERNS
'I can't find it' MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.
'Will you marry me?' MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out; I can't find the washer and there's no peanut butter left.
'Can I help you with dinner?' MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?
'It would take too long to explain.' MEANS: I have no idea how it works.
'We're going to be late.' MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.
'Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.' MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
'That's interesting dear.' MEANS: Are you still talking?
'You really look terrific in that outfit.' MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.
'This relationship is getting too serious.' MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.
'I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.' MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.
420-
Subject: Dear Kotex
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my panty-liner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
* Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
* Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
* Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
* Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...
Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell... but go ahead... I triple-dog-friggin-dare-ya... See what happens and report back. I'll wait.
While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and re move the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggin-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.
Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me are eating..sleeping..bitching.. or crying for no apparent reason... and oh... does ripping someone's head off count as a friggin' activity?????
Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol &
barbiturates.
Printing out crappy advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a consumers running to the Always brand.
It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.
There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package to announce that... Helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!
So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & smiley faces and shove them right up your ass.
P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead!!!
421-
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
422-
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
423-
WHY WOMEN LIE!
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress .
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women
424-
AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my
favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control
behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best, Wendi Aarons Austin, TX
425-
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
426-
A woman's guide to understanding men...
1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even retired General Schwartzkopf.
3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"
7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished \he could be Cary Grant.
9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
427-
My ideal measurements for a woman are...
80 ~ 20 ~ 102
80 years old
20 million in the bank
102 fever
428-
Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.
429-
A man goes up to Jill at a bar and says to her, "I've got a condom with your name on it"
Jill says to him, "You must be mistaken my name's not 'Trojan Extra Small"
430-
Mum's Dictionary
AMNESIA:
Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to make love again.
DUMBWAITER:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK:
The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME:
What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE:
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
POW:
The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE:
A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it.
SHOW OFF:
A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE:
What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING:
When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL:
Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT:
None of the kids that live in your house..
WEEKEND:
When Dad gets to play golf while Mum catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.
431-
Women are like newspapers because...
* Older ones are not in demand near as much
* They're well worth looking over
* They have a great deal of influence
* You can't believe everything they say
* They always have the last word
* You should really get your own and not go borrowing your neighbour's
432-
MAXINE'S LIVING WILL
I, MAXINE , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
Glass of wine, Ribs, chocolate, Margarita, chocolate, Martini, Cold Beer, chocolate, Chicken, fried steak, cream, gravy, chocolate, Mexican food, chocolate, French fries, chocolate, Pizza, chocolate, ice cream, cup of tea, chocolate, Chocolate, Sex, Chocolate,
it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
433-
Rejections
HE: Can I buy you a drink? SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy. SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name? SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie? SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before? SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty? SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living? SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign? SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple. SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
434-
There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives.
However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!"
On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town.
She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt."
He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!"
She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.
He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"
She said, "Why are you going to die?"
He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!"
435-
You have to train men the same way you do a dog. Be very clear about what behaviour is acceptable and then give them lots of praise on those occasions when they get anything right, and instant firm correction when they do something wrong. Always use a calm voice. Don't hit them, don't make them stay in the yard overnight. Don't stick their nose in the messes they make, but do make them clean it up. Restrict their access to power tools.
Withhold treats when necessary.
Potty training is often difficult with adult human males because their mothers didn't do it properly. If they put the toilet seat down tell them what a nice boy they are, and then give them a treat.
436-
Hot Tub Etiquette for Men
1. It's alright to have an erection in a hot tub, but don't float to the surface yelling "Up Periscope"!
2. It's okay to pass a joint while hot tubbing; it is NOT okay to pass gas.
3. Feel encouraged to whisper words of admiration to the well- endowed blonde soaking next to you, but don't point and exclaim in a loud voice "Hey baby, nice set of Bazookas!"
4. Drink wine or other alcoholic beverages in moderation while hot tubing. DON'T get drunk and suddenly submerge after screaming "Beaver Attack!"
5. A little underwater groping is OK... Groping yourself is not!
Hot Tub Etiquette for Women
1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, then scream at the top of your lungs "Oh yes Baby!"
2. Washing your partner's back is sexy; washing your panty hose is NOT!
3. Group nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience, but don't spoil things by making snide remarks like, "I've seen bigger wangs on a hamster!"
4. It's okay to pass a joint while hot tubbing; it's NOT okay to pass gas.
5. Don't think your fooling anybody by trying to pass off your vibrator as a toy submarine.
437-
Response to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom:
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around -- just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall
(because all the urinals are being used), take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man -- standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she goes to the toilet one more time at night and either sits on a pee-soaked toilet seat, or falls right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she's going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem and you ladies need to be more understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood."
Most mornings we guys wake up with two things: a tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim.
Well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the stupid toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to achieve that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her, "Look, it won't bend." She said, "Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood."
Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage to do it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you women keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective manoeuvre to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position by simply laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!
438-
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel; the only way to move things was by carrying or dragging.
One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, ]rounded boulders. They called the chief out of his cave and pointed out the unusual boulders and said then they ought to be useful in some way.
This was the beginnings of true civilization. Wug, the chief, studied these round boulders and formed a council of ten of the wisest men in the camp to determine how best to use these unusual rocks.
The council knew they were on the verge of a wonderful discovery but it eluded them. The only thing they could do is to call in all the men of the camp, have each one look over the stones, and go back to their caves and t-h-i-n-k about them.
This, in itself, was a daring programme as no one had ever t-h-o-u-g-h-t bout anything except eating before.
For a week the men gave up watching the women dragging food to the encampment and gathered in small groups d-i-s-c-u-s-s-i-n-g this topic. Another breakthrough for civilization!
At the end of the month, Gug, a smaller cave man, came up with an i-d- e-a. He discussed this with the others and the whole camp felt that this was a wonderful t-h-o-u-g-h-t.
The men would sit on the boulders and w-a-t-c-h the women as they dragged the food to the camp.
One big burly male found it was interesting to take a pile of small stones to his rock and throw them at the women when they became exhausted and slowed down.
This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television and the remote control.
439-
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing).
440-
We were all sitting around the table in the lunchroom yesterday. We mumbled about a variety of complaints with mouths full of Chinese food that we had delivered. Remembering that Rick's wife had been giving him grief for the past few days, I asked, "Hey Rick, your still acting cranky, hasn't Sue's PMS gone away?"
"Oh, it's gone Rodney, but I think I've caught the male version."
Confused I asked, "The male version? What's that?"
"It's called SRH."
The table was quiet as everyone looked first at Rick then to me. In typical Rodney form I asked, "SRH?
What does SRH stand for?"
"Sperm Retention Headache."
441-
"My boyfriend and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one." said Jill.
"How'd you do that?" asked Margaret.
"Well," says Jill "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex'?"
"Yeah" says Margaret.
Jill replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"
442-
Nadine: There are two men sitting alone at the bar over there.
Jill: So?
Nadine: Well, we're two women alone sitting over here at a table. What do you think that adds up to?
Jill: Four losers?
443-
Big Busted Women ...
* Can get a taxi on the worst days.
* Have a neat place to carry spare change.
* Make jogging a spectator sport.
* Can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub.
* Have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them).
* Usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie.
* Can always carry a little extra.
* Always float better.
* Know where to look first for lost earrings.
* Rarely have to look for a slow dance partner.
* Have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner.
Small Busted Women ...
* Don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public.
* Always look younger.
* Find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap.
* Can always see their toes and shoes.
* Can sleep on their stomachs.
* Have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars.
* Know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts.
* Know that everything more than a handful is wasted.
* Can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle.
* Can take aerobics class without running the risk of knocking themselves out can hug closer, nicer, and longer.
444-
THE NEXT SURVIVOR SHOW
Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.
Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money. In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.
Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time.
Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care
(weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they're about to leave for vacation). He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.
Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.
The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead batteries.
Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.
The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.
Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
Each man must adorn himself with jewellery, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.
During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.
They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.
He will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes.
A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of
labour, each child's favourite colour, middle name, favourite snack, favourite song,
favourite drink, favourite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.
They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.
They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, "You're not the boss of me".
The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called Mother!
445-
The mans prayer...
Lord before I lay down to sleep today,
I pray for a woman who's partially gay,
One who's pretty, sexy and bright,
One who's fanny is small and tight,
Oh send me a woman who goes like a train,
Who swallows your load and wants it again!
And as she prays with this in mind,
She'd ask me to take her from behind!
And when I was done I climb off and thanks her,
Until you can find her, I'll just be a wanker!
Amen
446-
Vibrators are better...
A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."
Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on TV.
Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!
When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not hear from them until we're ready.
It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.
Position is your choice, not his.
It always is hard.
It doesn't leave a mess behind.
You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
Vibrators are better then men because ...
They don't get tired after the first time
They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.
Vibrators are better then men because in the morning you don't have to fix it breakfast.
Safe sex without a rubber
A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !
As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going! (while you keep coming and coming!)
Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you want.
They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.
You can show it off to your friends.
They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another one
It doesn't leave a wet spot.
It can be stashed away in a drawer.
It doesn't have a mother!!
It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.
You know exactly where it's been.
Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
They never come before you do.
447-
What do women and tax forms have in common?
Men love to cheat on them.
448-
15 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A WOMAN DURING AN ARGUMENT
When you are arguing with the woman you love, be sensitive, restrained...and don't say anything stupid. There are times, your life just might depend on it.
1. "Don't you have some laundry to do, or something?"
2. "No, really, I was laughing about...this joke I heard one time."
3. "Ooh, you are so cute when you get all upset."
4. "You're just upset because your caboose is starting to spread."
5. "Wait a minute, I get it... What time of the month is it?"
6. "Are you gonna cry? Force lip to quiver mockingly Cry for your mummy?"
7. "You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?"
8. "Sorry, I was just picturing you naked."
9. "That reminds me. Next time you go to the store, could you add 'giant cork' to the shopping list?"
10. "Whoa, time out honey, Frasier's back."
11. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning."
12. "Is there anyway we could do this via e-mail?"
13. "Hey baby, if I want a lecture about commitment, I can get one from my real wife."
14. "I could so use some oral sexual stimulation right now."
15. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing isn't loaded."
449-
My wife just got a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her thigh. If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.
450-
I bought a race horse called "My Face" and will be entering it at
Ascot on Ladies Day.
Imagine all those females screaming and shouting
"Come on My Face"
451-
WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES...
Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:
Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.
452-
Male Illness Symptoms
I. Body Aches For Three Days
a. Sex with wife impossible. Masturbation impossib ... ok, I masturbated.
b. Time spent debating wife whether or not to see doctor.
c. "SCREW doctors" wins the day.
d. Sleep the days away.
II. Upper Respiratory Infection
a. Sex with wife impossible. Masturbation impossib ... ok, I masturbated.
b. Hacking up some pretty scary stuff.
c. Time spent debating wife whether or not to see doctor.
d. screw doctors" wins the day.
e. Can't sleep. Watch reruns of Green Acres.
III. Ear Infections
a. Sex with wife impossible. Masturbation impossib ... ok, I masturbated.
b. Left ear clogs, pressure mounts.
c. Time spent debating wife whether or not to see doctor.
d. screw doctors" wins the day.
e. Right ear clogs, now almost completely deaf.
f. Impersonation of Helen Keller nearly dead on. "Ruh rim rey rood. Har, har, har."
g. Can't sleep. Watch reruns of Bonanza.
IV. Break Down and See Doctor
a. "Next time, don't wait. Here, take this, this and this."
b. Sex with wife impossible. Masturbation impossib ... ok, I masturbated.
V. No Progress, Ears Ringing, See Specialist
a. "Maybe ringing will go away, maybe it won't. Let's see which way it goes. $150 please."
b. Sex with wife impossible. Masturbation impossib ... ok, I masturbated.
VI: Ears Clear Up, Chest Gets Worse, Ears Reinfected, Chest Gets Better
a. Sex with wife impossible. Masturbation impossib ... ok, I masturbated.
b. Go back to original doctor. "Here, take this, this, this, this this and this. Call me if you bleed out of your ass."
c. Still sick after five weeks.
d. The sound "Fuck doctors" replaces ringing in my ears.
453-
What's 2.5 inches long and can satisfy any woman every time ?
A credit card.
454-
Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer.
Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."
"No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."
455-
CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE.......
A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
A cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family.
A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll on deodorant, or hair spray.
A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
A cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt.
A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
A cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then come home with the smell of Channel No. 19 on him.
A cucumber will never leave you for another cucumber.
A cucumber will never leave you for another man.
A cucumber will never leave you for another woman.
A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator..
A cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"
A cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school.
A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.
A cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors.
A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.
A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds.
A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.
A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep.
A cucumber won't insist that the little cukes be raised catholic, Jewish, or orthodox vegetarian.
A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.
A cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore.
A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.
A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over.
A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.
A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
A cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
A cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde.
A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.
A cucumber won't want to come on your face.
A cucumber won't want to join your support group.
A cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party
A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.
456-
Q. What's the difference between a Man and a vibrator?
A. One is cold and impersonal, and the other needs a battery.
457-
Thought for the Day:
Few men look trustworthy with their pants down around their ankles.
458-
Fairy Tale:
One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag, and bitch........
But this was a long time ago.....
......and it was just ONE day.
459-
Urinally Speaking ...
EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.
PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.
DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.
RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.
460-
The Female Stages Of Life
HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast
461-
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la Casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, The teacher split the class into two groups, Male and female, And asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" Should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheque on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, But half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
462-
We were taking six children on a camping trip. I drove the lead car with our gear, and my husband followed in the station wagon. At a tollbooth, I realized that we hadn't divided the cash supply, and my husband didn't have any money. I paid a double toll, explaining to the woman attendant, "I'm paying for the car behind me. He has all those children and no money."
Without cracking a smile, she replied, "Good! Keep him that way."
463-
As time goes by and we grow older I think it is important for us all to consciously take inventory of our lives. To look in the mirror and objectively examine our character. To unwind the fabric of the psyche to see if our thought processes are based on selfish motivations and obfuscated reality, or on the firmer foundation of faith, justice, patience and goodwill. It is a time to right wrongs and heal wounds. A time for activity and purpose. A time for resolution.
So I resolve to be a better man. A man of introspection and consideration. A man for humanity. A man whose auto-pilot is set on a steady course to enlightenment. Yes, I will change! Man does have the ability to change! I will be progressive and free-thinking--in tune with the universe. I will listen intently to my brothers and sisters---especially the sisters, for I have not been fair to them. I promise, from this day forward, I will resist the temptation to constantly correct you. I will not spend my time finding fault with your logic. I will hear you! I promise to listen and not just stand in front of you, mouth open and drooling, staring at your tits.
*
*
*
*
*
* Well maybe.
464-
At the retreat, Jill and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
Jill wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and
they respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act
of physical sex with one another.'
And John wrote: 'I love sex.'
465-
50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex
Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.
Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.
Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.
Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.
Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.
Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a porn star all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.
Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.
Using random magazines as a sex bible. I don't know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need
counselling.
Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, Skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.
Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.
Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.
Not shaving your legs. I'm pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.
Allowing your crotch to resemble the Amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. That's fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.
Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.
Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.
Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".
Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway.
Go back to Jr High.
Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off.
Stop being a sissy.
Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.
Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing.
There's an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.
Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.
Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.
Undressing in the dark. If you're shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.
Refusing to get on top. There's no reason men should have to do all the work.
Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.
Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.
Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when he's touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.
Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?
Refusing to let him take control. So you're a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.
Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.
Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.
Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.
Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.
Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.
Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.
Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.
Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.
Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).
Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.
Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.
Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. That's the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and
can't jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.
Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.
Faking orgasms. Just don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.
Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.
Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.
Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.
Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.
Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.
Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.
Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.
466-
Universal Dumping Guide Translator
This is a message for all of you singles. Is life getting you down?
Guys, have you been getting depressed because there is simply not enough women to go around? And ladies, are you tired of the guys being too afraid to ask you out?
Well here it is, the answer to everyone's deepest wish! Here it is "The Guide to Being Dumped." These are the top 10 dumping lies translated to their true meanings for all of you.
"I'm not ready for that type of commitment"
Translation: I don't want to date you; however, you can take me out to dinner and a movie every once in a while. Just don't hang around me so much that you scare away the people I really want to date.
"God doesn't want me to date right now. "
Translation: I don't know why I said 'yes' in the first place. God doesn't want me to date someone as ugly as you.
"I only date older men/women."
Translation: I only date older men/women who have more money than you do.
"You're just not my type."
Translation: When I look at you, and think of kissing you, I get physically sick.
"You're too good for me."
Translation: I'm too good/much/cool for you.
"You're too much like a brother/sister"
Translation: I like you, but you just don't turn me on.
"You'll always have a special place in my heart."
Translation: My lawyer will contact you soon about the restraining order.
"I think we should date other people."
Translation: Look, I'm late for my date, he/she's probably waiting in the parking lot. I've got to go.
"I just don't have the time to date anyone."
Translation: You do realize that I've been avoiding you for months now.
"Maybe we can get together real soon."
Translation: Perhaps if you were the last man/woman on Earth.
467-
Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the fuckin light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry. What was the question?.
468-
WOMEN eh!
Boob jobs,
Nose jobs,
teeth bleaching,
tummy tucks,
liposuction,
colonic irrigation,
Botox, pierced ears,
pierced nipples,
pierced bellies,
pierced clits,
eyebrows plucked,
bikini wax,
armpits shaved,
legs waxed,
lips tattooed,
tits tattooed,
arms tattooed,
legs tattooed,
lengthy diets,
strenuous exercise,
child birth........and THEN. They wont take it up the arse because:
"IT HURTS!"......
469-
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
On being told that someone has purchased a new car, women ask what colour it is. Men ask what the make and model are.
Men have no opinions whatsoever on curtains.
Ask for directions from a woman out and about, and she will give you landmarks by shopping stores. Men will give you landmarks by restaurants and pubs.
Men appreciate the importance of a 42-inch plasma screen.
Women can use sex to get what they want. Men can't because, well, what they want is sex.
Men speak in sentences. Women speak in paragraphs.
At weddings, women cry and then drink too much. Men drink too much, and then cry.
Men can balance an infinite amount of trash in the garbage can without ever noticing it's full.
Women know when all you want to do is get it off your shoulders and whine. Men always offer a solution.
Women enjoy planning a wedding. Men enjoy just getting it over with.
Women know what to do when someone starts to cry. Men just shuffle out of the room, mumbling something about the grouting.
Men can watch an entire movie without having to ask "who is that, and what did he do?"
A man can choose and purchase - in 90 seconds - a pair of shoes.
Women can remember every outfit they wore for the past decade. Men cannot remember what they wore yesterday without looking at the floor next to the bed.
470-
Delia's Way v The Real Woman's Way
Delia's Way:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Delia's Way:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way:
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delia's Way:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way:
Tesco's sell cakes They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough shit. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Delia's Way:
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way:
It could keep forever. Who eats it?
Delia's Way:
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Woman's Way:
Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg white over the crust.
Delia's Way:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but who gives a shit?
Delia's Way:
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way:
Why do I have a man?
And finally the most important tip
Delia's Way:
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Woman's Way:
Leftover wine???? Hello!!!!
471-
A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.
Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.
The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common -- they were both pathological liars.
472-
Did you hear about the new all female delivery service?
It's called UPMS.
They deliver whenever the fuck they want to.
473-
Girls You Might See in the Restroom
SELFISH GIRL: Enters alone and locks the door, saying to the girls following that she will be out in a minute. Leisurely pees. Remarks, adjusts clothes and poses before mirror keeping others squirming outside for an hour.
TIMID GIRL: Turns on faucet full force. Backs up to toilet, raises dress and squats quickly. Listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard.
CONCEITED GIRL: Approaches toilet with undulating movements. Raises dress by finger tips. Expression while peeing indicates such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties. Farts silently and disdainfully.
HARDY GIRL: Raises dress with a whoop. Scuttles across the floor beating other occupant to toilet. Squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down, hums lively tune, peeing in squirts to keep time, farts loudly and with great glee.
DRUNKEN GIRL: Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts manages to raise dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter. Pees for a while, singing happy songs, suddenly starts to sob broken heartedly as she realizes that she forgot to pull down her panties. Continues peeing and sobbing.
SLOPPY GIRL: Slip drops into toilet while squatting, never uses toilet paper. Drags her business across the seat, getting seat wet. Never flushes toilet. Emerges with back of skirt caught in her panties.
WORRIED GIRL: Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper and examines it carefully and hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, resolving never to go to bed drunk again.
THE I DON'T CARE GIRL: Just squats and fires away.
STUBBORN GIRL: Believes all public places are contaminated. Stands three feet in front of toilet, backs up, takes careful aim and fires away, always misses, but will try again.
474-
The Japanese have invented the perfect woman robot.
It has 5 buttons.
1. Fuck, 2. Suck, 3. Cook, 4. Clean, 5. Off
475-
This day holds a lot of meaning for me.
It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.
I will never forget that game of cards...
476-
Why Men Do Not Write Advice Columns
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walt
477-
Rules Of Men's Fashions
Rule #1: A man must never buy pants with the word "bottom" in the name, such as "Cavernous Bottom", "Bulbous Bottom", "Bottomless Bottom" or "My God, is that your Bottom?" jeans.
Rule #2: Before purchasing any item of clothing, a man must raise his right hand and repeat aloud the following
sombre pledge: "I [your name here] do solemnly swear that [clothes item here] does not make me look like Travolta from Saturday Night Fever, Grease or Urban Cowboy. So help me, John."
Rule #3: A man must walk out of the store if a clerk makes reference at any time to his crotch, particularly the dreaded comment/accusation "it's a little roomy in the crotch there, isn't it sir?" As for the unexpected reverse crotch fabric yank and tuck
manoeuvre executed at many finer men's stores, you can expect to hear from our lawyers.
Rule #4: A man must show no hint of style or flair and strive at all times to approximate Stalin-era work camp garb. To help resist the urge to improvise, simply recall those 70's shirts with
French street scenes, long beagle dog collars, and absolutely no natural fibres. These were once thought to be stylish. Men might still be wearing them today, were it not for OSHA's landmark ruling that they were simply too flammable for public use.
Rule #5: A man must never purchase clothes with visible writing, unless it is related to sports or Bart Simpson. This is especially true of Euro-sounding phrases like "Chunnel Boy" or sissified concoctions such as "Mummsy's Yacht Club".
Rule #6: A man must never independently spend more than twenty dollars on any item of clothing. Suits, and other big-ticket items are covered in Appendix A: "Asking Mum for Help";
Rule #7: One item per category. If you are shopping with your mate and she suggests "these slacks are nice," the proper response is "I already *have* a pair of pants. When your one item is no longer wearable, rise from the dinner table and announce with feeling "My shirt is dead. I need a new one."
478-
THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG'S LIST
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810
THE ANSWER Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.
Patrick Hartman LPG Analyst | Investment and Corporate Banking BMO Capital Markets
479-
Mary: I knew right away he was a loser.
Jill: How did you know so fast?
Mary: He said he could give me "multiple organisms."
480-
My girlfriend likes sticking her tits in my face, then asking for something really expensive. She inevitably get what she wants. This, my friends, is what is known as a booby trap.
481-
Mary: So when my first boyfriend and I broke up, he got really nasty and said, "Well, I want my class ring back!"
Jill: How childish!
Mary: Yeah! So I said, "Well, I want my virginity back!"
482-
GUYS SUCK......and let me tell you why.
FARTING - How come it's cool for you to do it and disgusting if we do it. And must you lift your leg?
JOCK-ITCH - Get help! Do you see us scratch? We don't want to see you scratch either.
PORNOS - Why do you want to see other guys getting what you can't. By the way, it's not good for our skin.
PICK UP LINES - Not!
DOUBLE STANDARDS - If you can do it, why the hell can't we?
HONESTY - Learn the concept. It is a good thing.
SENSITIVITY - Get some!!!!
DEODORANT - It's only small change at the corner store. Buy it.
LOCKER ROOMS - Hello.....air freshner.
HEADS - We know you have two. Keep one in your pants and get the other out of your ass.
You can't beat up everyone who looks at us.
Being drunk is not an excuse to sleep with any thing on legs.
Believe me, sex is NOT number one and you are NOT number one at it.
Why must you tell ALL of your friends about everything you do with a girl? They all had the same DREAM last night anyway.
Do not blame everything we do on P.M.S. You should be glad we're not pregnant.
Try matching your maturity level to your age.
We are NOT objects. We have feelings, thoughts and ideas. We can even form words like "FUCK YOU!!!"
There is more to life than playing cards and video games - How old are you??
Why do we have to look good and you can look like shit?
Can we eat like humans - utensils were made especially for this purpose. Ever heard of knives, forks, and spoons? How about napkins? (This does not include shirt sleeves.)
WAKE UP CALL! - Wasting a ton of money on tuition every year to get drunk, get laid, and play sports is fucking retarded. If you're interested, become a professional athlete and at least GET PAID for it.
I am not putting myself through school to carry your sorry, lazy ass through life.
BIRTHDAYS - If you can remember the size of your cock to the exact millimetre, then you can remember our birthday.
Rulers were not made to measure your genitalia. They were not made that small. Why measure it anyway? There will always be someone bigger and believe me, we can find him.
Romance is not three seconds of sweat and nothing and then rolling over and going to sleep.
The one thing you are good for, you are not good at!
Remember Meg Ryan's famous 'faking an orgasm scene'? Sound familiar?
When we say we're lost without you, we're probably high.
When you screw up, a rose would suffice, but if it's not too much trouble, a dozen would be nice.
WANDERING EYES - We know you look. Try not to make it so obvious.
GET A CLUE! - When we say "HARDER!, FASTER!" we're not referring to your breathing pattern.
To the FEW nice guys who don't apply to these statements and never get the time of day, here's a note of hope.....WE'LL WISE UP SOONER OR LATER AND YOU'LL GET YOUR CHANCE. HANG IN THERE.
483-
A suitcase was dragged out of the Thames today, with a woman's body inside..
Who said men can't pack?
484-
"Are you male or female?"
1. Aside from getting sterilized, your birth control options are: a. one b. almost a dozen
2. When parking your car in a public garage you: a. toss your keys jauntily to the attendant b. hand your keys over politely
3. You haven't shaved in 4 days. The resulting stubble can be construed as: a. sexy b. gross
4. At the doctor's, a common request would be: a. "Cough." b. "Would you like to scoot down just a little more dear?"
5. As a sporty person, you need athletic support with: a. one cup b. two cups
6. When you're feeling insecure, what you say to your best friend is: a. nothing b. "Do I look fat?"
7. You've slept with several hundred people, one term used to describe you would be: a. sports legend b. tramp
8. The age it hits home that junk food will devastate your body is: a. 35 b. 14
9. When you hear the words "hand wash," the first thing that comes to your mind is: a. your car b. panty hose
10. It's the seventh game of the playoffs, bottom of the ninth, score tied. Bases are loaded with 2 outs. The man at bat has a .311 average against southpaws, and the pitcher is a lefty. Your mate turns to you and says, "Do you want a back rub?" You are: a. too busy screaming at the TV to even hear the question b. daydreaming
11. Your idea of basic pump is: a. an athletic shoe made by Nike b. a heeled shoe made by
Jimmy Choo
12. Multiple Orgasms are something you: a. give b. get
SCORING
a = 1 point b = 2 points
0-12 Congratulations, you are a male. This means you have a greater lean-muscle-to-fat ratio, earn most of the money, and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.
13-24 Congratulations, you are a female. This means you will live longer, have your choice of wearing either pants or a skirt in polite company and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.
485-
If MEN Had Their Way...
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Garbage would take itself out.
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would auto- magically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine, as in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "Fast enough to spill my beer all over the place." Cop: "Good one! That's $20 off."
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps".
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
"COPS" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day would remain exactly the same, but it would be celebrated every month.
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "Beer."
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football From a Different Camera Angle.
It would be easy to rent a tank.
486-
Sandra and Cindy were talking about
Sandra's Friday night at the local pub. Sandra was saying, "...and then the creep said, 'Why don't we play carpenter? We'll both get hammered; then I'll nail you'!"
Cindy replied, "Oh, gross! What did you say?"
Sandra answered smugly, "I said, 'No, thanks! You didn't bring enough wood'.
487-
It's true that women can multi task.
But men do things properly.
488-
What's the definition of a perfect woman?
a) She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth and her head is flat so you can put a pint glass on it.
b) The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model fucks all evening and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack
489-
WHAT PART OF "NO" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND??......
Ways to say NO and get your point across ... Just say, "
I would like to, but ..."
* I have to floss my cat.
* I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
* It's my parakeet's bowling night.
* I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
* I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
* I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
* I'm being deported to upper Paraguay.
* I'm giving nuisance lessons at a 7/11 store.
* I'm having all my plants neutered.
* I have to bleach my nostril hair.
* I'm writing a love letter to Joan Rivers.
* I have to study for a blood test.
* I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
* I have to go to court for kitty littering.
490-
Women's test I'm Not Bitter Quiz-o-Rama
Instructions: Please answer each question as honestly as possible.
1) A woman's place is in the:
a) House (or Senate)
b) Bedroom
c) Office
d) Sitting in a deep dark cellar plotting to cut a man's entrails out and leave it as food for wild jackals
2) When singing in the shower, I will most likely sing:
a) "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"
b) "Material Girl"
c) "I Touch Myself"
d) Theme from "Psycho"
3) The perfect Christmas gift is:
a) Expensive perfume or intimate evening wear
b) Flowers, a backrub, bubble bath, and a hand-written love sonnet
c) Six-pack of Bud, Domino's Pizza, and an evening of QVC
d) Whips, knives and red-hot irons
4) A woman's hairstyle should:
a) Gently accentuate her best features
b) Not resemble a poodle
c) Hide the lobotomy scars
d) Cover the little "666" on the back of the skull and not reveal the demon-horns
5) My personal role-model is:
a) Hillary Clinton
b) Ruth Bader-Ginsberg
c) Daisy Duke
d) Lorena Bobbit
6) When it comes to cars, I:
a) Take good care of my car and change my oil regularly.
b) [giggle] What's oil?
c) Think fuzzy dice are cool !
d) Want a Mercedes... NOW!
7) If you man wants to date me, he must also like my:
a) Family
b) Pet rock
c) Therapist
d) Furniture
8) I have a subscription to:
a) Newsweek and the Wall Street Journal
b) Analog and Rolling Stone
c) National Enquirer and T.V. Guide
d) Weekly Reader
9) I want to have ___ children.
a) Any number, as long as they are healthy
b) Some
c) Your
d) Well-dressed
10) My list of favorite authors include:
a) William Shakespeare
b) Maya Angelou
c) Chairman Mao
d) Marquis DeSade
11) A romantic evening is best spent:
a) Before a roaring fire
b) Having a candle-lit dinner
c) Country line dancing
d) Shopping
12) I want to date a(n):
a) Lawyer
b) Engineer
c) Crew-chief at the local JuffyLube
d) Anyone who owns a shoe store
13) I really admire:
a) My parents, for bringing me up right
b) My teachers, for teaching me about life
c) The makers of Velveeta
d) Zsa Zsa Gabor
14) What attracted me most to you (physically) is/are your:
a) Massive chest
b) Tight buns
c) Tattoo collection
d) Credit cards
15) What attracted me most to you (mentally) is/are your:
a) Sparkling wit
b) Open mind
c) Deep understanding of power tools
d) Huh?
16) I really get turned on when you:
a) Are with me
b) Kiss my neck
c) Imitate Beavis and Butt-Head
d) Do the dishes
17) I can't live without:
a) The support of friends
b) Oxygen
c) Entertainment Tonight
d) Makeup
18) If you were really depressed, I would:
a) Listen to your problems
b) Rub your back
c) Get you drunk
d) Laugh
19) My favourite television programs are:
a) NYPD Blue and Home Improvement
b) MST3K, Roseanne, and Star Trek
c) This Week In Monster Truck Racing and America's Most Wanted
d) Lifestyles of the Cruel and Unusual
20) My favourite pig out food is:
a) Low-fat yoghurt
b) Haagen Dasz
c) Gummi worms
d) A man's still quivering heart
21) A man should know where I keep my:
a) House keys
b) Erogenous zones
c) Ear-wax remover
d) Guns
22) I would rather die a slow painful death than:
a) Betray a confidence
b) Betray my country
c) Miss "Wheel of Fortune"
d) Spend one more minute with you
23) The most hellish, vile place on Earth is:
a) Bosnia-Herzegovina
b) Texas
c) Anyplace with less than 40 channels of cable
d) Your bedroom
24) The one phrase I would love to hear is:
a) "Congratulations, Madame President"
b) "Ohmygod, that is the winning lottery ticket!"
c) "Wow! I've never seen a woman spit tobacco that far!"
d) "What we can't figure out is how the arsenic got in his food in the first place."
25) If a man was to propose to me, I would:
a) Cry
b) Call my mother
c) Be pregnant
d) Giggle uncontrollably
Please write a 300 word essay on the theme: "A Woman's Role In the Relationship: Helpmate or Saboteur"
Please attach references, a current picture, and a blood sample.
491-
Sure Fire Ways To Know You're A Woman
1.. You're a bitch.
2.. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get pissed off when you are believed.
3.. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behaviour.
4.. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5.. Whine.
6.. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to
sleep, it's because he is lazy.
7.. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
8.. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
9.. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love.
10.. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.
11.. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labelled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
12.. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
492-
Q. What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
A. One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching it's ass and the other's a chimpanzee.
493-
Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!"
I sent her my ironing, that'll keep the bitch busy.
494-
A man has 27 parts that don't work for him.
20 nails that don't nail
1 belly button that doesn't button
2 tits that don't milk
1 cock that doesn't crow
2 balls that don't bounce
1 ass that doesn't do any work
So what are you women smiling at?
You have a pussy that doesn't catch mice!
495-
Bedtime Prayer For Men
As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde, and long;
Who notices that she's mostly wrong;
One who sucks AND doesn't speak;
And promises to do so once a week.
I pray that she is very randy,
Because one like that would come in handy.
Opens her leg and lies on the floor;
And once I'm done, she begs for more.
Oh! Send me a woman who won't play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants, and that's lots from behind!
One who'll make love till my body's twitchin'
And brings ME a beer when she comes from the kitchen.
I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and since you know I can't wait,
I'll screw all the rest because it's never too late.
Amen
496-
Lessons For Women About Men.....
~ If you want a nice man, go for a bald one ... they try harder.
~ Go for younger men. You might as well ... they never mature anyway.
~ A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
~ Women don't make fools of men ... most of them are the do-it- yourself types.
~ Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men ... a woman.
~ There are a lot of words you can use to describe men ... strong, caring, loving ... they'd be wrong but you could still use them!
~ Men's brains are like the prison system ... not enough cells per man.
~ Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
~ Men are like animals ... messy, insensitive and potentially violent but they make great pets!
~ Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
~ Husbands are like children ... they're fine if they're someone else's.
~ The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've gotten sick of him.
~ There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men ... don't and "stop" (but not used together).
~ Men are all the same ... they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
497-
This is a test DESIGNED BY REAL MEN, intended FOR REAL MEN ONLY.
Circle the best answer to each question below.
1.) impotence is
a. rude or disrespectful behavior
b. helpful when you need dinner reservations or theater tickets
c. when you care enough to give her a break from her sexual duties
1.) A menstrual cycle has
a. three wheels
b. two wheels
c. no wheels...it just drags along
2.) The G-spot is
a. a key on the piano
b. close to the F-spot
c. imaginary - dreamed up by feminists to persecute men
3.) Masturbate refers to
a. the best fishing lure for big fish
b. everyone joining in the discussion
c. the rewards enjoyed by a man who does his best work alone
4.) Premature ejaculation is
a. a man younger than 18 having sex
b. soiling your new PLAYBOY before you get to the centerfold
c. the ultimate testament to your woman's overpowering sex appeal
5.)A Douche is
a. one rank above Earl
b. a playing card with the number "2"
c. French for "You're fresh out of luck tonight"
6.) Lesbian refers to
a. someone from the Middle East
b. a French word for "the well"
c. a woman trying to do what a man does better
7.) Vagina is
a. a heart disease
b. a state near Washington DC
c. like a Club Med - a retreat where kids aren't your responsibility
8.) Pornography is
a. the business of making records
b. the science of loaning money against hocked valuables
c. better than foreplay - you're ready before she hits the sheets
9.) KOTEX is
a. a radio station in Los Angeles
b. a synthetic fiber for outerwear
c. a chastity belt for women who don't need one
10.)A wet dream is likely to occur
a. when your roof begins to leak at night
b. reading the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition
c. when a work accident has disabled both your hands
SCORING: The correct answer to all questions is (c).
If you got 10 CORRECT:
You are a real man. The only romantic challenge you face is finding a woman worthy of your attentions.
If you got 6-9 CORRECT:
You are still a man...but you need to spend more time riding in pickup trucks, talking to chicks on sex hotlines, visiting internet pornography sites...
If you got 1-5 CORRECT:
Liberals, feminists, fairies and wimps are chipping away at your manhood. Stay away from open, honest discussions of sexuality...anyone's sexuality!
if you got NONE CORRECT:
It's time for sex change surgery, testosterone replacement therapy, monastic life or marriage.
498-
She looked like such a sweet little old lady, driving the cute Toyota with a bumper sticker that said, "Grow your own dope." How sweet, I thought, must be a medical marijuana patient. Then I noticed the rest of her message ... "Plant a man."
499-
My girlfriend said because she's a woman she's good at doing two things at the same time.
I said "Well then, why is a threesome out of the question?"
500-
Dear Abby,
I have an oral sex etiquette question. While I love pleasing my lady, occasionally while in the middle of a "carpet munching" session a hair gets caught in the back of my throat. I think hacking up a hairball like a cat on speed at that special time might be considered poor taste. How can I take care of business and remove the offending piece of "wool" and keep the mood?
Sincerely, Munchy
Dear Munchy:
Preparation, preparation, preparation, my son, is the key to successful tongue lashing. Right after your lady buys you a really expensive present, cooks you a fine, fine meal and finishes mowing the lawn with the second-hand, push lawnmower you purchased for her on your last anniversary, simply hand her a razor and remind her that her "back 40" also needs a good clip. Remember, an "idle" woman is a demon in the making.
Abby
501-
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.
502-
As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring. "What happened, Lilly," she asked, pointing to the bare finger. "The wedding off?" "Yeah," Lilly admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and he looked so different without his wallet."
503-
My girlfriend said she wanted to have a serious talk to me about our relationship. We had a nice meal and some wine and then she started. "I think we need to decide in what direction our relationship is going." "I feel we are at a crossroads: one path leads to hardship and commitment but, ultimately, to happiness and joy; the other, well, it just leads to a dead end." She paused. "So what do you say?"
I thought about it for a while and then replied, "That's not a crossroad, you silly cow, that's a T-Junction"
504-
Why does NASA always send a woman on Shuttle missions?
They weigh 25 pounds less than an automatic dishwasher.
505-
What's long and hard and makes women groan?
An Ironing Board.
506-
Linda, whose daughter had just given birth to a beautiful, healthy baby, showed up for a lunch date looking less cheerful than Jill expected.
"What's wrong," Jill asked. "Are you depressed by the fact that you're a grandmother?"
Linda responded with a barely perceptible smile. "No," she said. "It's just that I'm not crazy about having to sleep with a grandfather."
507-
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it ( though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator ).
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
508-
Why are ambulances better than women?
I've never had to wait for more than 45 minutes for an ambulance to come.
509-
"If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they cannot have a Headache and Sex at the same time ?"
510-
how long does it take a woman to reach orgasm?
who cares?
511-
Signs You Had A Bad First Date"
Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother.
You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.
She has a thicker moustache than you.
When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions. You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.
Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass.
You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin.
At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
She beats the shit out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.
You wake up the next morning with a wicked hangover. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.
At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.
She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan.
She is better hung than you.
She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you.
512-
According to a new survey, 76 percent of men said what they look for most in a woman is a sense of humour and a good personality...
This was a survey published in "Full Of Shit Magazine."
513-
The Benefits Of Older Women
An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.
The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an
asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say