Men & Women Bashing
1-.
WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't shag women's legs at cocktail parties.)
2-
Why do women have orgasms? It gives them another reason to moan.
3-
Q. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A. A woman that won't do what she's told.
4-
Manliness Test
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN SportsCenter.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. No big concern of yours.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, baby... population: YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Probably Is too uptight and a waste of your time.
C. Probably shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Scoring Guide:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you
really are a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a
little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!!"
5-
Male Instructional Guide For Relationships
The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e., relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their
behaviour in accordance with the truths established below.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm?
A: Call her and tell her where you are.
6-
Q: Why don't women have brains?
A: They don't have a cock to keep them in!
7-
At the 1998 World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
8-
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
9-
Her side of the story:
He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised. He didn't say anything about it. The conversation was very slow, so I thought we should go somewhere more intimate and talk privately. We went to a restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up. I started to wonder whether it was me, or something else. I asked him, and he said no. I wasn't really sure. In the car, on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply. He just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because he didn't say it back. We finally got home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So, I tried to get him to talk, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. After about 10 minutes, he joined me. To my surprise, we made love. He still seemed really distracted. Afterwards, I just wanted to confront him, but I cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I really think he is seeing someone else.
His side of the story:
Arsenal lost. Got laid though.
10-
Q: Why did God give women yeast infections?
A: So they would learn what it was like to live with an irritating cunt.
11-
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
12-
In the beginning God was a woman. She created woman in her own likeness, giving her a beautiful world to live in.
One day woman comes to God with a request. she says "God, thank you for this beautiful world and making me in your likeness but I really need a favour. This third tit you gave me--you know the one in the centre ? Well it's really useless, could you take it away?" God says "Sure can woman" and zap the 3rd tit is gone. Woman says "thank you God "
A while later woman comes to God with another request she says "God, thank you for everything, but it's getting a little lonely down here, could you make me a mate, someone different from me who knows what to do with all of these wonderful body parts? " God says, "Sure thing, I just need something to fashion him
after
.........now, where did I put that useless tit ?"
13-
A medical study showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ - depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance: if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features; and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass.
14-
Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those evolutionary genetic things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink!
15-
A recent survey asked 100 sexually active women if their twat twitched after sex. 98% replied "No, he just rolls over and goes to sleep."
16-
I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT...
1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
2. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
3. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
4. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those ones taken at your auntie's wedding where you've got a velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever. Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are at all 'funny'.
5. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't here.
6. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.
7. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
8. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as 'making love'), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
9. I will never, ever give your penis a 'cute' nickname.
10. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have ruined me for other men'.
11. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron and the washing machine, of course.
17-
Why do women have legs?
You`ve seen the mess snails make
18-
The three most amazing things about women are:
1 They can give milk without eating grass.
2 They can bleed for a week and not die.
3 They can bury a bone and not get their noses dirty.
19-
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.
20-
Q: What is the most intelligent thing to come out of a woman's mouth?
A: Albert Einstein's dick.
21-
They found a cure for mad cow disease:
A box of chocolate and a dozen roses
22-
Q: Why do men fart more then women?
A: Women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
23-
ADVICE TO WOMEN:
WHAT KIND OF MAN MAKES THE BEST LOVER? Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests and arms, and clean skin are actually subconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are, or look like, athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes.
These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxis, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction. Experienced, self-confident lovers - the kind you want - don't need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them "love handles"?).
One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumors about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!
HOW..."BIG"...SHOULD A MAN BE? Don't be shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is somewhat larger than a ballpoint pen.
HOW..."LONG"...SHOULD A MAN LAST? Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a man who can "last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed one of these desirable "sixty second wonders."
HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM? The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agree that it "feels like something inside of you." When a man's penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm.
You'll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a little something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be "more to come," that "vaguely unsatisfied" feeling, then you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable adventure.
WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM? There is no such thing.
WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX? This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you'll see that a man's penis fits naturally into a woman's mouth. On the other hand, a man's mouth does not naturally fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a "natural" act. But a man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an "unnatural" act (why do you think they call the vagina your "private parts"?)
WHAT IS AFTERPLAY? Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he and you are "Good in Bed." Another example of male "afterplay" is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying post-coital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories.
WHAT IS IMPOTENCE? Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to invite a really good-looking girl friend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.
HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE? One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on one." Invite your more attractive and energetic girl friends over to take part. Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends an air of real "mystery" to the affair.
HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN? When looking for the ideal man - about twenty-five to fifty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity - go to a local' about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you've found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're a hunk, can I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.
SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:
Q: "If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?"
A: There is absolutely no way to tell.
Q: "What's the best way to keep my teeth and skin looking healthy and `shiny?" `
A: One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen. `The more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better you'll `look.
Q: "What are some "loving nicknames" we can use?"
A: You should always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him "King `Kong", "Master" or "stud." Men often call their favorite lovers, "Hey `you" `or "bitch".
Q: "Where should a man take me?"
A: Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for `fancy `meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for a `snack.
24-
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? £3.99 a minute.
25-
How do you fuck a fat girl? Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot
26-
TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her
TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
27-
A man called a television repair service.
The voice on the phone inquired, "Can you describe the problem, please?"
The man stammered for a second, and then said, "Every time I change the channel, I hear a high pitched whining sound."
The serviceman confidently replied, "Oh! That's just your wife!"
28-
The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and
desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is not necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
29-
Q. Why did God create woman?
A. To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
30-
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.
31-
New Drive Through Cash Machines
To enable new users to use this facility, the following procedures have been drawn up.
MALE PROCEDURE
1.. Drive up to cash machine.
2.. Roll down car window.
3.. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4.. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5.. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6.. Roll up window.
7.. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1.. Drive up to cash machine.
2.. Put car in reverse and back up to required distance to align car window to machine.
3.. Restart stalled engine.
4.. Roll down car window.
5.. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passengers seat to locate card.
6.. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car.
8.. Insert card.
9.. Re-insert card the right way up.
10.. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11.. Enter PIN.
12.. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13.. Enter amount of cash required.
14.. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
15.. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16.. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17.. Place receipt in back of cheque book.
18.. Re-check make-up again.
19.. Drive forward 10 feet.
20.. Put car in reverse and back up to cash machine.
21.. Retrieve card.
22.. Re- empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot.
23.. Re-check make-up
24.. Restart stalled engine and pull out.
25.. Drive for 3 or 4 miles.
26.. Release hand brake.
32-
Q. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A. Because women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving.
33-
Which of these is the odd one out?
A television, a refrigerator, a washing machine, and a woman.
The television.
The other three leak when they're fucked.
34-
Beer vs Pussy
A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyser.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.
Pussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy
If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
35-
What’s the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.
36-
What is the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a guy is humping her
37-
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!
38-
BLOW JOB ETIQUETTE - A LESSON FROM WOMEN TO MEN
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful
3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone’s face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON’T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it’s “hummer week” - get it through your head - I’m bloated and I feel like shit so
no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can’t have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls - if you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my
behaviour to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and
be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is
inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”
39-
Blow Job Etiquette (from a male’s viewpoint)
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
40-
Twenty things you’ll never hear a woman say...
1) I’m bored. Let’s shave my fanny!
2) Shouldn’t you be down at the pub with your mates?
3) That was a great fart! Do another one!
4) I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
5) You’re so sexy with a hangover.
6) I’d rather go and play Virtual Fighter than go shopping.
7) Let’s start subscribing to Penthouse.
8) Would you like to see a video of me going down on my friend?
9) I’ll swallow it all... I love the taste of cum.
10) Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?
11) Just for a change can we try anal sex tonight?
12) I really like football, can you take me to a game.
13) You'd better drive, you're far safer than I am, and besides everyone knows women can't drive.
14) Actually we shouldn't have been given the vote, we're better off in the kitchen.
15) I think a big motorbike is a good idea.
16) I don't care if my bum looks big in this, let's just go and get pissed.
17) We haven't gone out with your mates for a while, shall we all go to Stringfellows.
18) Why can't you let your hair down and have a few vodka chasers with me.
19) I know you're already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time.
20) Aim where you like, it's really good for my skin.
41-
The Perfect Day for Her
08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
08:30 Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 lbs
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
15:00 Nap
16:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, admire self before the mirror
19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
22:00 Hot shower (alone)
22:30 Make love
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day for Him:
06:00 Alarm
06:15 Blow job
06:30 Massive shit, while reading sports section of paper
07:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
07:30 Limo arrives
07:45 Vodka Bloody Mary en route to airport
08:15 Private Jet to Augusta, Georgia (en route Coffee, Cigar and Wall St. Journal)
09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
09:45 Front nine holes at Augusta (2 under Par)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Back nine holes Augusta (4 under Par)
14:15 Limo back to airport (Vodka Martini)
14:30 Private Jet, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all-female (topless) crew
16:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin fish (1249 lbs)
17:00 Jet back home, massage & hand job en route by naked air stewardess
18:45 Shit, shower and shave
19:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal
sex video released (and authenticated).
19:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1963), 20 oz. steak
21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
21:30 Sex with three women (Red head, Brazilian, Thai). Babes leave room without any hassle.
23:00 Massage, Jacuzzi and whisky
23:45 Bed (alone)
23:50 12-second, 4-note fart, dog leaves the room
00:00 Sleep
42-
What men shouldn’t say after sex:
1. "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
2. "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
3. "How come it's so BIG in there?"
4. "You've done this with a lot of guys before - right?"
5. "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, okay?"
6. (Sniff, sniff) "Is that cat food?"
7. (Yelling) "Okay guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!"
8. "You're great in bed, but your sister gives better blow jobs!"
9. "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
10. "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
11. "Maybe if you did some push-ups, your boobs would grow?"
12. "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
13. "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"
14. "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
15. "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!"
16. "I've been getting these little blisters lately..."
17. "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"
18. "You should go wash that, the cabby will think something died in there!"
43-
Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
44-
Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
Did you ever notice how all women’s problems begin with MEN!
45-
Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you, to have two men at once. According to a recent social logical study this is true, however most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning.
46-
Ten Things Men Know About Women
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10 They have breasts
47-
Recent scientific tests have proven that the most intelligent gene can be found in women.
Unfortunately 98% of them spit it back out
48-
Do you know what would happen if it was Three Wise Women who came at Epiphany?
They would have planned the journey, been on time, helped to deliver the baby, cleaned up the stable, made a casserole, wrapped the gifts and we would have had peace on earth!
49-
What does PMS stand for?
Penis Must Suffer
50-
Why do men like women with big tits and tight pussies?
Because they have big mouths and little dicks.
51-
How do you know when a man's had an orgasm?
He's snoring.
52-
Positive Things About Men & Women
Are you tired of the battle between the sexes?
Men and women are different. There's no question about it. But instead of focusing on the negative qualities of men and women, why not celebrate the positive qualities?
Let's start with the Ladies:
Women are compassionate, and loving, and caring.
Women cry when they are happy.
Women are always doing little things to show they care.
They will stop at nothing to get what they think is best for their children (best school, best prom dress, best dentist)
Women have the ability to keep smiling when they are so tired they can hardly stand up.
They know how to turn a simple meal into an occasion.
Women know how to get the most for their money
They know how to comfort a sick friend.
Women bring joy and laughter to the world.
The know how to entertain children for hours on end!
They are honest and loyal.
Women have a will of iron under that soft exterior.
They will go the extra mile to help a friend in need.
Women are easily brought to tears by injustice.
They know how to make a man feel like a king.
Women make the world a much happier place to live.
Now, for the Men:
Men are good at moving heavy things and killing spiders.
53-
What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
One is mad cow disease and the other is an agricultural problem.
54-
A friend of mine is having trouble with his new operating system.
Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without trouble.
However, apparently there were conflicts between these two systems and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 was incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2.4 and Playboy 6.0.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 had many Bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually he tried re-installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.
Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000.
But imagine my friend's disappointment on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hardrive and can not be deleted, they then re-surface months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter.
Another problem is that Wife 1.0 automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WHINGEzip for no reason and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself. The system footprint needs updating regularly, requiring Shoeshop Browser Pro for new attachments, and Hairstyle Express needs to be re-installed every week. It also refused some of the new games and attachments he wanted to try, stating they are an illegal operation.
When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.
Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress Millennium add-on, but there could be problems. If Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.
55-
A GIRLS PRAYER
Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks,
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed,
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more,
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask, "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen,
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend,
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the wanker you sent me instead.
Amen.
A BOYS PRAYER
Lord,
I pray for a slag with big tits.
Amen.
56-
What are the useless, flappy bits of skin around the vagina called?
Women.
57-
Men and Women
Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.
He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
Then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:
Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
Roger is thinking, "Gosh, Six months!"
Elaine is thinking, "But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?"
Roger is thinking, " . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the speedo. . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here."
Elaine is thinking, "He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected."
Roger is thinking, "And I'm gonna have them look at the gearbox again. I don't care what those morons say; it's still not changing right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is changing like a bloody garbage lorry, and I paid those incompetent thieves £600."
Elaine is thinking, "He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure."
Roger is thinking, "They'll probably say it's only a 90-day guarantee. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags."
Elaine is thinking, "Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy."
Roger is thinking, "Guarantee ? They want a guarantee ? I'll give them a fucking guarantee . I'll take their guarantee and stick it right up their arse"
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so . . . " (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?"
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will
continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing squash one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
58-
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
59-
Toilet Habits
15 Easy Steps to Shit like a Woman:
1. Under no circumstances, use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain may be caused while waiting to get home.
2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pot by your boyfriend/husband. Also, wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet twice before starting. Then wash your hands three times.
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent any chance of a splash back.
6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat (hover) over the seat as opposed to taking any risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7. Release solids, but DO NOT make any sounds whatsoever.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any faeces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per role).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pot. Do not look at the paper at all.
11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.
12. Flush the toilet twice, bleach it, and leave the lid in the down position for your husband/boyfriend - this is now law in most civilized countries.
13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.
15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.
15 Easy Steps to Shit like a Man:
1. Select reading material (can be anything except a porn-mag; tried by every man once, but never repeated - see step 4).
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife in a loud voice and always when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, and then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first turd bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the turd. Make mental notes of any irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, example: color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts/carrots etc. You MUST tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. Always look at the paper before throwing it into the pot.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.
12. Flush once. If there is any residue left in the pot, on the pot or close to the rim, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself, or when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.
13. Always leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).
14. Wash your hands if you have time.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door wide open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
60-
31 questions to Men
1. Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life-span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. We're just misunderstood.
2. Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorise it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
4. Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
6. Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
7. Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
8. Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters...Need go roam...Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
9. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The
fidgity types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
10. Why can't men just say "I love you?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
11. Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
12. What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"
a. Please sleep with me.
b. I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
c. I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
d. Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
e. What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
f. Stop nagging me.
g. What do I have to do to get a beer around here?
13. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
14. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
15. What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
16. Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?
17. Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.
18. Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?
Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for?
19. Why do men act like they own the remote control?
What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.
20. Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds? Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)
21. Why do men fear commitment?
Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger...err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.
22. What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girlfriend?"
It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.
23. What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"
Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.
24. Do all men really masturbate?
Yes. It is genetically inherited behaviour. It's been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons.
25. Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?
Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)
26. Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial co-ordinate motor co-ordination?
It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)
27. Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.
28. Why do men like younger women?
Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less control over their bodies.
29. Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.
30. How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?
Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.
31. Why are men such dogs?
I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient...
61-
An Ode to Oral Sex
FOR THE GIRLZ
Penis breath, a lover's dread,
Is what you get when you give head.
Unpleasant as it tends to be,
Be grateful that he doesn't pee.
It's times like this, you wonder why,
You bothered reaching for his fly.
But it's too late, can't be a tease,
Accept the facts, get on your knees.
You know you've got a job to do,
So open wide and shove it through,
Lick the tip then take it all.
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl.
Slide up and down, use your tongue.
And feel the precum start to run,
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb,
So when the hell's he gonna cum?
Just, when you can't take anymore,
You hear your lover's mighty roar.
And when he hits that real high note,
You feel it oozing down your throat.
FOR THE BOYZ
Salty, fishy, sticky stuff,
Okay already, that's enough.
Let's switch you say, before you gag,
And what revenge, you're on the rag!
Eating out and chowing down,
but tonight I'm not out on the town.
Tonight I'm served a seafood dish,
well at the least it tastes like fish.
Time to overcome my fears,
as she drags me down there by my ears,
to feast upon her hairy pie,
where pubes and stubble jab my eye.
She lies back and moans and then softly sighs,
I cant help thinking about scampi & fries.
Don't lick too low, move up a bit,
got to be careful or I'm in the shit.
Nibble, lick, caress and stroke,
the things I do just for a poke.
Up, down and right a bit,
where the hell does she keep her clit?
I'll never find it here like this,
fanny design just takes the piss.
To find my way around her twat,
I'll need a torch and miners hat.
I think my tongue is failing me,
Christ I hope she doesn't pee.
I've been licking her minge for years.
I wish I could breathe through my ears.
God I hope that she comes quick,
since my neck's developing a crick.
I'm sweating like I've got a fever,
under the covers, eating split beaver,
I must have hit the right spot at last,
cos' her screams are gaining volume fast,
her thighs clamp tight around my head,
and her screams scare the neighbours out of their bed.
She's coming at last and making a racket,
her thighs crushing my head like a discarded fag packet.
I'm choking and spluttering but she doesn't care,
that my mouth is full of fish flavoured hair.
And that my face is smothered in thick fanny batter
and juices that taste like a seafood platter.
But she thinks it's funny, and starts taking the piss,
but she soon stops her laughing, when I move in for a kiss.
62-
This guy goes for a crap and it just keeps going. He's crapping for 3 hours straight. It just won't stop. He's constantly flushing the toilet. Finally he gets to the point where, he actually shits his brains right out. He has no brains left at this point.
He's finally done, he wipes his arse and for the first time in his life he puts the seat down. ...
63-
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'
It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
64-
Just in case you ever wondered why men oversleep
[The loud sound of an alarm clock radio pierces the morning air...]
BRAIN SYSTEM Attention. Alert registered.
CAPTAIN Alert? Number One, report!
NUMBER ONE Sir! We're picking up loud music.
CAPTAIN Music? We were just asleep!
NUMBER ONE Yes sir. Ears report it is "Achy Breaky Heart."
CAPTAIN Good lord, are we being tortured?
NUMBER ONE Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.
CAPTAIN Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.
NUMBER ONE Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness... Wait, there's a woman sleeping there.
CAPTAIN A woman?
NUMBER ONE Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna Kournikova.
CAPTAIN Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?
NUMBER ONE Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to "wife," sir.
CAPTAIN Well of course. Keep looking.
NUMBER ONE Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want to take it?
CAPTAIN Stomach, what's going on?
STOMACH Sir, we've taken a hit, it... it looks bad, sir.
CAPTAIN Get hold of yourself, man!
STOMACH Yessir. It looks like a prawn vindaloo, sir. It exploded at about 1900 hours and we've been out of action ever since. I don't... I don't know if she can take much more, Captain.
CAPTAIN Stomach! Now you listen to me, son. We're all counting on you up here. Don't give up now. Remember the chilli of '94? We made it through that, we can make it through anything.
STOMACH Yessir. You can count on me, sir.
CAPTAIN Good man.
NUMBER ONE Sir, I've got a visual on the clock!
CAPTAIN Tell me, Number One.
NUMBER ONE Oh my God, sir. It's horrible.
CAPTAIN Dammit sailor, get a grip on yourself!
NUMBER ONE It's... It's six thirty, sir. In the morning.
CAPTAIN In the morning? Not again. I thought... I thought that we'd had the worst of it yesterday.
SYSTEM Sixty seconds to consciousness.
CAPTAIN This is madness. Do you know what's going to happen if we go conscious now, this early?
NUMBER ONE Work, sir?
CAPTAIN That's right, Number One. It'll be work, all right. I don't...don't know if I can live through that hell again.
SYSTEM Fifty seconds to consciousness.
NUMBER ONE Sir? Do you have orders?
CAPTAIN Hmmm?
NUMBER ONE Orders, sir. Do you have orders for us?
CAPTAIN Orders? Orders, Number One? Damn right there are orders! Let's get ourselves moving.
NUMBER ONE Aye aye, sir!
SYSTEM Forty seconds to consciousness.
CAPTAIN Shut that damn thing off, I'm trying to think. Get our remote stations on line. I want a Search and Acquire on anything that feels like a snooze button. Tell them to MOVE. Bladder!
BLADDER Yes sir?
CAPTAIN How are you holding?
BLADDER All systems are flush and ready, sir. We can go another three hours, easy.
CAPTAIN Very well, Bladder. Number One, get me Nose on the horn.
NOSE Sir, Nose reporting, sir!
CAPTAIN Good to hear from you, Nose. How are you doing up there?
NOSE Sir, ah, we registered cat breath about twenty minutes ago, but it was pretty faint and I didn't think...
CAPTAIN Steady on, nose. You were right not to trigger an alert.
NOSE Thank you, sir.
CAPTAIN Nose, I'm afraid I have bad news for you, son. We took a prawn vindaloo last night.
NOSE Oh no, sir, not again!
CAPTAIN I said steady! You're going to have to hold on, you hear me? Hold on,and it will pass. I don't want ANYTHING getting through to Consciousness.
NOSE Yes sir. I'll try, sir.
CAPTAIN That's the spirit. Stomach!
STOMACH Sir?
CAPTAIN How are you doing down there?
STOMACH We've been breached, Captain. The whole alimentary is in flames. I'm trying to keep it contained, but I can't promise anything.
CAPTAIN Damn!
NUMBER ONE Sir, Libido Station reports it is ready for battle!
CAPTAIN Tell Libido to calm down, I'll call him when I need him. Any report from our search party?
NUMBER ONE Sir, Fingers report they located and toppled a glass of water, a pair of glasses, and a box of Kleenex. No luck on the snooze, sir.
CAPTAIN Number One, I don't mind telling you, if we don't get this under control we're going to lose her.
NUMBER ONE Yes sir. Sir, Libido requests positive verification that the woman sleeping next to us is not Anna Kournikova.
CAPTAIN For crying out loud.
NUMBER ONE Sir, Ears reports the song is over. It's going to commercial, sir.
CAPTAIN How much time on the system clock?
NUMBER ONE Ten seconds to consciousness, sir. We've lost smile control in the lower facial and we're developing a frown.
CAPTAIN Brace yourself, Number One. I'm afraid we've had it.
NUMBER ONE Sir! Fingers has located target. Repeat, Fingers is on target!
CAPTAIN Fire!
NUMBER ONE Hit! Sir, direct hit!
CAPTAIN Ears!
NUMBER ONE It's gone, Captain! Ears reports the music is gone!
CAPTAIN We've done it!
SYSTEM Consciousness cancelled.
NUMBER ONE Sir, all systems are ready for sleep mode. Repeat, sleep mode now ready.
CAPTAIN Trigger sleep mode NOW.
NUMBER ONE Sleep mode triggered, aye aye, sir.
CAPTAIN Shut Eyes.
NUMBER ONE Eyes off, sir. Frown relaxed, smile restored.
CAPTAIN By golly, that was a close one.
NUMBER ONE Yessir. Sir, Dream Team requests selection. Libido asking for something naked, sir.
CAPTAIN Request denied. Let's roll the one where we show up for church wearing only our underwear, I like that one.
NUMBER ONE Roger that, sir. Dream selection completed and tape is rolling, sir.
CAPTAIN Good work, Number One. You take the helm.
NUMBER ONE Aye aye, sir.
65-
The man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING,
the woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS.
The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
the woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
the woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
the woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.
The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
the woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
the woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
The man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX,
the woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES.
The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
the woman discovered MONEY and that's when it all got fucked up.
66-
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
67-
Things Women need To Know
1. ¾ length trousers are not fashionable, they just look like bad hand-me-downs.
2. Long black boots and a mini skirt will always get a blokes attention.
3. Mini skirts never went out of fashion, the shorter the better, the more you show the "beetle's bonnet" the better.
4. Hot pants should only be worn by models.
5. Wonderbras should carry a disappointment label with them, you shouldn't advertise a Porsche and deliver a Mini.
6. Glittery make up is a pain to get off our knob.
7. Taking a handbag to the toilets immediately notifies the entire male audience that its red rag time. This is much appreciated as we no not to waste valuable drinking time chatting up someone impersonating an A&E victim.
8. A purse should contain money and not a "Bar" deflector. A bird going "Dutch" always gets a second date.
9. Smoking is not a fashion accessory or a turn on, so stop acting like a school girl and buy some mints. (school uniforms are still acceptable though).
10. When caught short and having a No. 2 whilst out on the town, remember to always wipe from front to back, as someone could be licking that later.
68-
34 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED
1. MILKING IT:
When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the penis as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2. LETHAL WEAPONS:
A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement of nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls like you are squeezing water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers before even looking at a guy's ball bag.
3. ROBOTS:
When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.
4. SILENT FRIGHT:
If you've come and cannot be arsed to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up his arse should do the trick.
5. PHONE TURN-OFF:\line Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and say "I'm just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can carry on in the meantime." Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.
6. NO LAUGHING MATTER:
Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love juice. Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
7. CLOSING UP:
If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
8. POOR PRESENTATION:
Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
9. HANGING AROUND:
When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number.
10. BEING SHY:
Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
11. BEING A DRIP:
You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage, if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE:
Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten those buns and thighs. There is no such thing as the perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi etc, could still lose a few pounds -so what chance have you got?
13. CLOCK-WATCHING:
Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:
Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
15. PLAYING DEAD:
Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skilful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
16. BEING POSSESSIVE:
If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON:
e Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
18. SPITTING IT OUT:
When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
19. INGRATITUDE:
Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if :
a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or
b) you managed to achieve an orgasm.
A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's, so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
20. SEEKING FAVOURS:
Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off in to well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask. "Do you think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.
21. BED-RIDDEN:
Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being IN BED. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom and slinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might imagine he's bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder erection.
22. SHARING NOT CARING:
Whilst it is understandable that you would be excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like semen, HE doesn't. Be considerate, please.
23. BEING NAKED:
Very few female bodies are good to look it so please make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your body. If you've got a half-decent arse but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries with something silky.
24. TOO BRIGHT:
If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so please don't insist on seeing what's going on. If he's got a bit of a beer belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he's shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the male psyche.
25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1):
Never embarrass a gentleman by challenging him to remember your name after he's shagged you. If he thought it was important to remember your name, he would have.
26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2):
Don't be angry if you're lover shouts out another woman's name during the sexual act. Men have much more complicated lives than women and deal with many more people at work, football club, gym, pub, etc. It's probably just a close associate and totally innocent. Of course, he might be shagging someone else in his spare time and it is understandable that he should make such an obvious mistake.
27. KEEPING HIM WAITING:
Don't get him all turned on and the let his proud stiffy wither while you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every square centimetre of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to 45-minute delays while you go off to make yourself look presentable. If you must follow a strict beauty regime, do it after he's shot his load and has started to snore.
28. TOOTH ACHE:
When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be taken literally. I know it's hard to resist but keep the tooth action to a little nibble now and again.
29. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE:
If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45 minutes at least. It's not enough to be a specialist - even in the important skill of fellatio.
30. TWO DIMENSIONAL
To be regarded as a successful woman in bed you must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant for facial glazing and a familiarity with your man's anal region.
31. CAMERA SHY:
If he wants to capture the moments on camera with idiosyncrasies beauty that is you during those special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed because he was drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous way for the camera or video camera.
32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS:
While men are more than happy to lick the pink clam, please give it a bit of awash once or twice a week. You can have too much of a good thing
33. OBSESSIVE:
The female orgasm is over-rated so don't spoil everybody's fun by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you do have lots, you should feel free to announce them. It's natural for a woman to beg for a good seeing to.
34. PERIOD PAIN:
If your period has finished or hasn't even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his fantasies about your friends, work colleagues and the girls he shagged before he met you.
69-
We have women in the military, but we don't put them in the front lines. The generals don't know if they can fight and kill. I think they can.
All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
70-
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY!
Starting this month!
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.
Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.
Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.
Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.
Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline and support groups.
Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.
Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
CLASSES FOR WOMEN..
Subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha)
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
71-
SOME REALLY REALLY TRUE FACTS ABOUT MEN
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films ended with a scream and a flush.
Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players
from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge.If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
72-
Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!
It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear,
which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned BIG JIM AND THE ROUND TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!
DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!
73-
Gentlemen:
This chain letter was developed by virile men in order to make their sexlife even more fantastic. As opposed to normal chain
letters, this one costs nothing, and you can only win.
Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your best friends who are just as viril as you. Then anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, will be at least:
* 0.5 miss worlds
* 2.5 models
* 463 wild nymphos
* 3,234 good-looking nymphos
* 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms
* 40,198 bi-sexual women
In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you. DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER.
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter.)
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL.
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sexlife. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
PS: Even when you have no girlfriend, you can use your vacuum cleaner.
PPS: This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.
---o---
(Must dash, the post has just arrived.)
74-
Q: Why do doctors spank babies when they are born?
A: To knock the dicks off the stupid ones.
75-
Why are there so many homes for battered women?
Because they just don't fucking listen!!
76-
Haircuts - The difference between men and women
Women's version:
================
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.........
Men's version:
=============
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
77-
Men often find dumping a girlfriend the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling her it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But there is now a great way to ditch her. It's safe. It's affordable, and the best thing is she has no opportunity to throw things at you. And it's at your fingertips right now. E-mail.
That's how all the happening, kind of guys are telling girlfriends they're not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless? Following is an Email rejection letter: The verbiage can be altered to fit both men and women....
Dear (her name),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified
candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.
Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position.
You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
My breasts are bigger than yours.
Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that
domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball
team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
78-
CONSUMER REPORTS LOOKS AT GIRLFRIENDS
It has been 30 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market has changed substantially. Clearly, another report was long overdue.
Identifying Your Needs
As with any major purchase, before obtaining a girlfriend you should ask yourself exactly why you need one. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex?
Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girlfriend. The potential girlfriends you see in most showrooms tend to be loaded with the usual flashy accessories -- large breasts, long legs, blonde hair, etc.
However, there is also a wide variety of accessories designed to appeal to fringe markets. For example, some models come pre-equipped with pets and/or children; others can run 10 miles while chanting Sanskrit. You should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked.
Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory-installed since, like sunroofs, third-party installation afterwards runs a significantly higher risk of leaking through a seal. Interior damage may result from this desire of a sportier look & feel.
Determine Your Budget
The second question, of course, is what sort of girlfriend you can afford. The answer is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics. If you are good-looking and have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited.
Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CR does not recommend this practice: due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time. Even so, if you possess the ability to negotiate stealthfully you know how to convince a prospective girlfriend to want to buy your goods. That there is a mark of a great salesman.
Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age:
Your age || Used or New
13-18 years New
19-30 years Lightly used
31-45 years Extensively used
45+ New (Only if income exceeds $250,000/year. Otherwise, the answer is "Divorced, with kids.")
New girlfriends offer the advantage of having no previous bad experiences to project upon you. The disadvantage is that they will rarely be old enough to open a checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, tend to be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out. CR does advise that you use caution when choosing models that have significantly higher than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). This may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional.
CR's Methodology
For our purposes, girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average male population. All tests were performed at CR's specially constructed facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criteria: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and Performance.
Results
Girlfriends are categorized by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.
Goddess Class A+
This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all of the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed with her enthusiasm. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.
Goddess class B-
This model is similar to the Goddess class A+ , but comes in-law with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.
Ms. Right
The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess class A+ except possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found when you already have a model you've invested "too much" to release. Ms. Right models are usually much too intelligent to stand idly by while you work out any contractual obligations for release of your current model.
Babe
This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs. These also tend to be browsed over and/or handled by other buyers wanting to buy or rent even if already off the market.
Friend
The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but tends to be aesthetically lacking. Availability is poor to fair depending on quality.
Yeah, Her
The Vauxhall Nova of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, with a dull finish. Third-party installed bosom may be worth risking. Until you find her, we at CR wish you Happy Hunting!
79-
If girls are made of sugar & spice, how come they all smell like Anchovies?
80-
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously
but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hello, we're all down here..."
81-
A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS
WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays. Farting is another fun thing for men!!
WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E., LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please ... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men ... Men hunters ... Need go roam ... Starve in cave ... Must go find wildebeest ... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by
sabre toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME? Ho, Ho, Ho ... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err ... buying?
82-
Why do women get their belly buttons pierced?
So they have a place to hang an air freshener!
83-
When his date asked him to perform cunnilingus on her, Brian’s smooth answer was, “Only if I get a miner’s lamp and a canary”
The relationship didn’t last too long after that.
84-
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty pounds.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that dress!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.
85-
Your favourite lady is about to go into PMS mode when she :-
Stops reading Cosmopolitan and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
Considers chocolate a major food group.
Puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.
Develops a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
Retains more water than the Lake District.
Buys you a new T-shirt --- with a bulls-eye on the front.
Orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.
86-
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
87-
Synonyms For Masturbation For Men:
A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
Auditioning the hand puppet
Badgering the witness
Bashing the Bishop
Beating the fuck out of your best friend
Beating the shit out of your incapacitated midget
Beating the snot outta Rotney
Beating the snotty end of my fuck stick
Blueball baseball
Calling down for more Mayo
Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
Caping the crusader
Cheating on your other hand
Checking the plumbing
Choking the bald guy 'til he pukes
Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops
Committing mass spermicide
Decongesting the weasel
Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust
Dropping the kids off at the pool
Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
Evicting the testicular squatters
Firing the presidential staff
Fishing for zipper trout
Five-finger discount
Flogging your dumber brother
Foreplay with Fistina
Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam)
Freeing the hostages
Freeing Willy
Getting your palm red
Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie
Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine
Giving the seamen shore leave
Giving yourself a helping hand
Giving yourself a low five
Having a play date with your little friend
Having a puppet show in your pants
Having a staff meeting
Hitchhiking under the Big Top
Launching the morning missile
Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster
Making special sauce with frank and beans
Making the bald guy cry
Making the Cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up
Making the llama spit
Manhandling your man-handle
Milking the bull
Million sperm march
My sex life! (Okay, that one's more sad than funny)
One-handed workout
Opening up a bottle of Squirt
Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson
Playing the stand-up organ
Playing with Yoosef
Polishing the family jewels
Polishing the hot rod
Polishing the purple people pleaser
Practicing for the Big Game
Pulling the single serving soup dispenser
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Releasing the Olympic Doves
Riding the Great White Knuckler
Romancing the bone
Roughing the passer
Roughing up the suspect
Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
Running in single-user mode
Running off a batch by hand
Sanding the obelisk
Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram
Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk
Shaking the hand of the self-employed
Shooting tadpoles at the moon
Shooting the pump action porridge gun
Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
Spackling the ceiling
Spending some quality time with yourself
Spilling my children on my belly
Spit-polishing the purple helmet
Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber
Taking little Elvis to Graceland
Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
Target practice with the yogurt gun
Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker
Tenderizing the tube steak
Test-firing the meat missile
Testing the hand cream dispenser
Trolling for the one-eyed walleye
Tube sock tango
Warming up the altar boy's dinner
White-water wristing
Zygote spraying
88-
Synonyms For Masturbation For Women:
Applying nail polish remover
Auditioning the finger puppets
Brushing your afro
Buttering your bagel
Checking for squirrels
Checking the foxhole
Checking the oil
Checking the status of the I/O port
Cleaning my fur coat
Coaxing the genie out of the magic lamp
Defrosting the freezer
Dialling the rotary phone
Diggin' the stench trench
Digging for my keys
Doing my nails
Doing something for my chapped lips
Doing the two-finger slot rumba
Double-clicking your mouse
Draining the tuna
Drilling for oil
Dusting the endtable
Feeding the bearded clam
Filling the pink taco
Filling your niche
Finding yourself
Fingering something out
Finishing the job
Fishing for cumpliments
Fishing for mackerel
Flipping the light switch repeatedly
Flossing the cat
Fluffing the kitty
Gagging my meat hole
Gagging the clam
Getting a lube job
Getting a stain out of my carpet
Getting a stinky pinky
Getting the last pickle out of the jar
Getting to know Sticky Fingers the mobster
Going deep sea diving
Going to and from the Batcave
Hand tossing the tuna salad
Having ladyfingers and cream
Hitchhiking South
Indoor fishing
Jilling off
JocelynEldering
Makin' waves for the man-in-the-boat
Making your own gravy
Menage a moi
Mistressbate
Muffin buffin'
Nail polish remover
Nursing a hatchet wound
Opening the bottom drawer
Paddling the pink canoe
Parting the Red Sea
Petting the kitty
Playing the clitar
Playing the slots
Polishing the wedding ring
Preheating the oven
Priming the pump
Reading braille
Reading the map of Tazmania
Riding the unicycle
Riding your own mule down Grand Canyon
Romancing thy own
Rubbin Hood
Rubbin' the nubbin
Scraping the cheese off the taco
Searching for Ms. "G"
Shebopping
Shucking the fresh water clam
Slapping Susie
Slapping the mackerel
Sliding into home
Soaking in Palmolive
Spanking your puppy on the nose
Spearing the bearded clam
Spelunking in the mystery cave
Stirring the soup
Strumming the big open C
Surfing the web
Swimming in the Pu-Tang River
Taking a dip in the lake
Teasing the little man in the canoe
Testing the waters
The magical disappearing finger trick
The ole feel n' squeal
Tickling the kitty
Tiptoe through the TwoLips
Tossing the pink salad
Twinkling the little star
Two-finger taco tango
Unclogging the drain
Visiting Niagra Falls
Visiting your safety deposit box
Wading in the Bermuda Triangle
Washing your fingers
Whipping your cream
Working out at the Y
89-
New world records - More pointless stereotyping...
Women:
Car Parking:
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs.E.Simpkins (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993.She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts.
Incorrect Driving:
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Arid, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels.This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Video Lesbianism:
The longest period of time that two women in a pornographic film have sat together on a settee without starting to fondle each other is 8.3 secs, in the 1994 low budget production 'Strap on Sally vol.3'.
The longest a woman has sat alone on the settee without starting to fondle herself is 5.2 secs. in the same film.
Traffic Light Cosmetics:
The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1hr 51mins 38secs. by Miss J. Dobson at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.
Group Toilet Visit:
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a night-club in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994.Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving en mass the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hrs 37mins later.
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st
August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham
branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wearit.
Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on
February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.
Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an enlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury, popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy.
By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles,a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?"
Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant spasms.
Men:
Expletives:
On 9th June 1996, Mr. Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a stone masons mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in Tewksbury, Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14mins 7secs. without stopping once or repeating a swear word. He later attempted to better this feat on BBC TV's Record Breakers programme by dropping a car battery on his foot. It ended in failure when he repeated the word bastard after 12mins 58secs.
Beer Drinking:
The greatest amount of beer drunk before going to the lavatory was 25.5 litres (45 pints) of assorted weak lagers, by Mr. George Wingfield downed in various pubs in Knutsford high street, Cheshire between 12:15pm and 2:38pm on 22nd December 1986.
Urinating:
The longest piss delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins 24secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986.Mr Wingfield was arrested and charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19mins 24sec before taking him back to the station for a kicking.
Hottest Curry Eaten:
Many claims are made about the ferocity of curries eaten, but in the main they are difficult to substantiate. The hottest verifiable curry eaten was a XXXHot Chicken Murg Thaal with extra chillies consumed by George Wingfield (GB) at the Bengal Tiger restaurant, Knutsford on 23rd December 1986. The curry was reportedly so hot that between kitchen and table it burst into flames, singeing the waiters eyebrows.
Biggest Fart:
The largest and most catastrophic fart was one dropped by Mr. George Wingfield (GB) in the car park of the Dog and Duck, Knutsford, on the morning of the 24th December 1986.Suffering from terrible guts Mr. Wingfield gingerly attempted to squeeze one out whilst bending to pick up his car keys, but the resulting flatulent explosion blew his entire digestive tract out of his arse. Attending firemen hosed down his smoking guts for two hours before paramedics with breathing apparatus could begin the process of pushing them back up.
Holiday Gymnastics:
The greatest number of press-ups done in front of some girls on a beach is 6 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) whilst on holiday in San Antonio, Ibiza on 19th August 1988. The girls went off with a waiter.
Loudest Car Stereo:
The Saisho stereo fitted in the Mk.II Escort belonging to Wayne Fletcher (GB) reached a momentary peak noise level of 312dB whilst waiting at some traffic lights next to some girls in Stockport, Cheshire on 8th July 1988. This noise level is equivalent to 8 Concordes taking off inside the car. The girls walked off.
Car Customisation:
Judged as a proportion of the overall value of the car, the accessories fitted to the Mark II Escort of Wayne Fletcher (GB) add up to the world's most expensive car customisation project at 105761%. Between 8th March 1986 and 22nd September 1996, Fletcher has spent a grand total of £63,456.99 at the Stockport branch of Halfords in attempt to attract girls to his vehicle.His fruitless purchases include a Paddy Hopkirk Full Body Styling Kit (£3500), 'Nightrider' style Disco Stop Lights (£199), Split 45 Weber Carburettors x4 (£200), Scorpion Talking Alarm, (£500) and a Chromium plated Mock Twin Exhaust Extension (£285). The car is currently valued at £50 to £60.
Longest Wheel Spin:
The greatest length of time a car has screeched its wheels to impress some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) in his Mark II Escort. When traffic lights in Stockport, Cheshire turned green Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed that his front wheels spun for an amazing 42 secs before the car began to move. Both tyres fell to pieces and the clutch dropped out twenty yards down the road. The girls walked off.
90-
(To be sung to the music of "I will survive")
At first I was afraid I was petrified,
By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side,
I would've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head,
If I'd known for just one second you'd assault me in your bed,
I tried to go,
Walk out the door,
But you've been sitting on my legs and I can't feel them anymore,
And now you're sitting on my face,
my nose has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that you're big knickers
aren't made of liquorice lace,
I want to go,
I've got to leave,
Before your fat and naked body makes me bend over and heave,
I only hope that no-one saw me walking home with such a slut,
Your dirty hairy pussy looks just like a septic cut,
I can't believe,
I'm lying here,
It's all cos of that fucking evil drink that we call beer,
You can Sod your beer goggles,
shit I must have been blind
To mistake that hoover dam for a sexy young behind,
Please let me go,
I'm getting scared,
There's nothing I can do to stop those awful breasts from being bared,
I think that I must have been mad,
God what made me want to court her
With tits that look like Tesco bags I've just filled up with water,
It's time to go,
run out the door,
She's started hinting she wants sex on her dirty lino floor,
I don't think there's anything worse
than the al-co-hol-lics curse,
But this time that's it, I quit, I can't take more of this shit!!!
91-
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
Adventurous............Slept with all your mates
40-ish............49
Athletic............No tits
Average looking........Face like an arse
Beautiful............Pathological liar
Contagious smile........Does a lot of pills
Educated............Was screwed to bits at university
Emotionally secure......On medication
Feminist............Fat
Free spirit............Junkie
Friendship first.........Former slut
Fun.................Annoying
Gentle.................Dull
Good listener..........Autistic
New age................Body hair problems
Old fashioned..........No BJs or anal
Open minded............Desperate
Outgoing...............Loud and very embarrassing
Passionate.............Sloppy drunk
Poet...................Depressive
Professional............Bitch
Romantic...............Frigid
Social.................Crotch like a wizard's sleeve
Voluptuous.............Very fat
Large lady.............Immensely fat
Wants soul mate.........Stalker
Widow..................Murderer
92-
THE LAST TEN THINGS.....ANY WOMAN WOULD SAY
10.) Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9.) Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
8.) I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7.) Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6.) Please don't throw that old T-Shirt away, the holes in the armpits are just too cute.
5.) This diamond is way too big.
4.) I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3.) Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2.) Does this thing make my butt look too small?
1.) I'm wrong, you must be right again.
THE LAST TEN THINGS.....Any Man Would Say
10.) I think the Village People are some cool mother fuckers.
9.) While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8.) I think hairy butts on women are really sexy.
7.) Her tits are just too big.
6.) Sometimes I just want to be held.
5.) That chick on 'Murder, She Wrote' gives me a woody.
4.) Maybe I could do the dishes tonight.
3.) We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I get to hold your purse.
2.) Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1.) I think we're lost, we'd better pull over and ask directions.
93-
For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more! The man fights back!! Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead.... Long live the Man of the New Millennium.
Listen up ladies; this is how it REALLY is...
If you think you might be fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. Just get your arse down to a gym.
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, just put the bloody thing down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us moaning about you leaving it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present... again.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Face it; peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress?
Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat!!
The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks.
When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't HAVE to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I
couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well.
A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, good wine and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities -everything else falls under the category "garnish".
Do not question our sense of direction. If you can learn this, then man and woman can co-exist on a level based on love and mutual respect. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
Crying is emotional blackmail.
We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.Remind us frequently beforehand.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. it's genetic.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as computers, football, fluff in your navel, Zen and the art of picking your nose, the 4-4-2 formation or the benefits of drinking real ale.
You have enough clothes and too many shoes. Yes, you did hear right. Too many shoes!!
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
The ball's in your court.
Sincerely, The Lads
94-
Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.
Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross.
Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I've always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge."
The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!"
The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holy shit!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!"
Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream.
"Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection."
95-
A Husband Shopping Centre has opened in Atlanta, where a woman can go to choose from among many men to be her husband. It is laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascend.
There is, however, a catch. You're only allowed in once. Once you open the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor. If you go up a floor, you can't go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the shopping centre to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door says: Floor 1 Sign: These men have jobs and love kids. The woman reads the sign. "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
Floor 2 Sign: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good-looking. "Hmmm, better," says the woman. "But I wonder what's further up?"
Floor 3 Sign: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking and help with the housework. "Wow," says the woman, "very tempting; BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, she goes up.
Floor 4 Sign: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me." (That's how women talk in Georgia) "But just think what must be awaiting me further up?" So, up to the fifth floor she goes.
Floor 5 Sign: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping. Have a nice day!
96-
"Do I look Fat" Responses
"Not to Stevie Wonder."
"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."
"Does this tie make me look stupid?"
"No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!"
"I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat with an 'f' or phat with a 'ph.'"
"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out."
"No, but taking it off sure does."
"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."
"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."
"Not if you were travelling at the speed of light."
"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."
"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."
"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."
"Whoa! A talking couch!!"
"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"
"No, but your butt has its own postcode."
97-
Men's English
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
You look tense; let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.
Women's English
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so.... Manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.
98-
Why do men like women in leather?
Because they smell like new cars.
99-
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.
He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, only she would know the answer.
The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first:
The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was. The neighbouring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had!
Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.
The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him!
The astounded Gawain asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?
What a cruel question!
Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch?
Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read it until you've made your own choice.
Make YOUR choice BEFORE you read Gawain's answer!
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
The moral is: If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly
100-
Q: Why did God make man first?
A: He didn't want Eve standing around telling him how to make a man
101-
A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say "I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words.
I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the exception. When making love, I explained, men will say anything.
"He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks you want to hear," I told her. The conversation rattled on from there.
A couple of weeks later, she related the following.
"We were in bed, making love. I said, 'Tell me you love me.' He said, 'I love you.' I said 'Tell me you're the Easter Bunny.' He stopped for a second, and said, 'I'm the Easter Bunny.' So I slapped him."
The poor guy probably still doesn't know what happened.
102-
GREAT THINGS ABOUT BEING A BLOKE
A five day holiday requires one overnight bag
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
Queues for the bathroom don't exist
You can open all your own jars
When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every shot of someone crying
All your orgasms are real
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around
You can go to the bathroom without a support group
When your work is criticised, you understand that everyone doesn't secretly hate you
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
Nobody wonders if you swallow
You never have to clean a toilet
You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes
You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week
Sex means never worrying about your reputation
Wedding plans take care of themselves
If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they forgotto invite you. It doesn't mean that they hate you, and he or she can still be your friend
You don't have to shave below your neck
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night
If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices
You can write your name in the snow
Biological clock?
Chocolate is just another snack
Flowers fix everything
You never have to worry about other people's feelings
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours
Reverse parking is easy
Foreplay is optional
Window shopping is what you do when you buy windows
Michael Bolton does not exist in your universe
Understanding football (any football!)
You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming by
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. In fact you encourage them.
Car mechanics tell you the truth
You don't give a rat's ass if no-one notices your new haircut
You can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours without ever thinking he's mad at you
You never look at the size of a baby's head and cringe
The whole world is your urinal Hot wax never comes near your pubic area
One mood, all the time
Same work, more pay!
Grey hair and wrinkles add character
The remote control is yours and yours alone
No such thing as bunny-hopping half an inch above the toilet seat
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends and they won't try and work out what the problem is
Someday you'll be a dirty old man. And you're looking forward to it
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood
Dieting involves getting regular sized fries with your burger
Porn movies are designed specifically with your mind in mind
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries
Not liking a person doesn't exclude having great sex with them
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "so..., notice anything different?"
Farts are funny
Baywatch
Friends is about six tits from New York. And three blokes
Yes Jeremy Clarkson is a sexist pig. But it's ok, he's a funny sexist pig.
If you sit on your hand till it's numb and then wank, it feels like someone else. Which is nice.
You don't have to keep any Simply Red, M People or compilations called names like 'All 100% Woman' in the car.
Your mates never say "Well if you don't know what you did wrong I'm certainly not telling you."
Your mates never say "Talk to me"
Your mates never say "What's offside?"
You can still talk to your mate about sex after knowing him for more than three years.
Life will go on if the bedsheets don't get changed once in a while.
Having a beer belly is a perfect reason for wearing a t-shirt that says "I have a beer belly".
103-
Ad in an Australian Newspaper
Wanted
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation , who can cook frogs
legs , who appreciates a good fuc-
shia garden , classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious .
Interested ? Then please only read
lines 1 , 3 and 5 ; still Interested ?
Call me at ...... 850-0327
104-
I love the lines men use to get us into bed.
"Please, I'll only put it in for a minute."
What am I, a microwave?
105-
As the airliner moved back from the gate, the fight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judy Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
John, sitting in the 6th row, thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? I think I better have a scotch and soda."
When the flight attendant came by with the drink cart, John asked, "Did I hear you correctly? Is the captain a woman?"
"That's correct, sir," she replied. "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"Good Lord," said John, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing, sir," the flight attendant said. "We no longer call it the cockpit."
106-
How Women Shower
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
How Men Shower
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
107-
Definition of Barbequing:
When a man volunteers to do the "BBQ", the following chain of events are put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it in a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, 3rd beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6) The woman comes outside to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there is just no pleasing some women.....
108-
What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt. ?
Answer: A pussy is that furry thing between a woman's legs that feels so good, and tastes so good and us guys have so much fun with,
And a cunt is what owns it.
109-
I see that Tesco is promoting “A Bag for Life”
I’m not going to bother, I married mine over 30 years ago.
110-
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
111-
What defines a truly sensitive, 90's type guy?
He doesn't make his girlfriend blow him after he buttfucks her.
112-
A family are sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are there for decoration only!"
113-
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said: "I want a spectacular job... a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
Lightening struck. "Poof!" said the genie. "You're now a housewife!"
114-
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He was gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
115-
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I don't know about that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
116-
Dear Husband,
I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love, Your Wife
117-
Why do women blame men for the wet patch?
If you use a hose to fill a bucket and water leaks out of the bucket would you start looking for a problem in the hose?
118-
A man is dating three women and wants to pick one to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was very impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.
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Little Penis Jokes Women Love
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Stop fingering me and fuck me.
4. I'm sorry.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don't we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It's more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a nightcrawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won't take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done.
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusion?
56. What is that?
57. Does this run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
65. Deep throat??? I doubt it'll reach my tongue!!!
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?
69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
70. Don't hold back.
71. Never mind, why bother.
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Chain letter
At last, a decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes. This one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates who are just as virile as you.
INSTRUCTIONS
Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes) and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, will be at least: 0.5% miss worlds, 2.5% models plus 463 wild nymphos, 3,234 good-looking nymphos, 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms and 40,198 bi-sexual women. In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter). While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities(that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate........send this letter today to 9 of your best
friends.
PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.
PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.
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For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".
Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why? Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
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If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example:
Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.
Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
Tyre -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over inflated.
Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of
course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.
Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male.
But consider -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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Sex Guide for Women
1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshiped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top, where your face should be, not two-thirds of the way down.
2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.
3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.
8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10.CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever, even think of saying, "Are you going to come soon?" If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skilful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14.NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like, "I love it when you come in my mouth," makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you, especially if a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man' s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
17. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.
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THE RULES
The FEMALE always makes THE RULES
The RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No MALE can possibly know all THE RULES.
If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all THE RULES she must immediately change some or all of THE RULES.
The FEMALE is never wrong.
If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.
The MALE must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.
The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The MALE must remain calm at all times unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The MALE is expected to mind read at all times.
The FEMALE is ready when she is ready.
The MALE must be ready at all times.
Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
The MALE who doesn't abide by THE RULES can't take the heat, lacks backbone and is a wimp.
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Top 10 Reasons Why Handguns Are Better Than Women
#10 You can trade an old .44 for two new .22's.
#9 You can keep one handgun on the road and another at home.
#8 If you admire a man's handgun and tell him so, he'll let you try it out a few times.
#7 Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a back-up.
#6 Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
#5 A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 Handguns function normally everyday of the month.
#3 A handgun doesn't ask... 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'
#2 A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
#1 You can buy a silencer for a handgun!
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Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
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Why are women like prawns?
Their heads are full of shit, but the pink bits taste great.
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ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
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Valentine Slogans
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
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It's Good To Be The Woman
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching their butts.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
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100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Man...
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When surfing the TV, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humour in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a non trivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy (Adjective; describes something that is outside accepted norms, especially in an unkempt or disgusting way. Personal attributes that may arouse nausea an another.).
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports centre.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase "fuck it!"
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Erm... Women.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. There is always a game on somewhere.
100. Baywatch.
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Ten Things that Men Know about Women
1 They have pussies
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10 Oh yes, they have tits as well
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A R E - Y O U - A - B A S T A R D ?
Bastards come in all shapes and sizes. The complete and utter variety are simple to spot. They piss in the punch and burst the balloons at parties. But then there's the snide bastard. He's the bloke you know is a bastard but you can't pin anything on him. And the part-time bastard is also tricky ground because you're dealing with a mild form of schizophrenia.
There's a bit of bastard in all of us but where and when we let it out tells us just how much of a true bastard we are. Being civilised does not by any means make you a non-bastard. Think of all the civilised bastards the world has seen. And being Welsh doesn't automatically make you a bastard, but by the same token Wales have more than it's fair share.
Many people are situation-specific bastards, who will be shitty to various degrees in various circumstances, and it's these people that this quiz will help you to recognise. Because research into this type of bastardom is still developing we can't guarantee that the results will be absolutely authorative. If Mussolini and Jimmy Saville both took the test, both might come out as complete bastards - so it is fallible. But be honest and hopefully we'll help you to locate the bastard factors in your character. Then you can supress them or encourage them as you choose.
So you may not have hijacked a 747 or turned a creche into a bloodbath of late. You may follow the general norm of civilised behaviour and change your underpants on a regular basis, but this makes you neither a gentleman nor a bastard. If you want to find out which you are, and what you should do about it, read on:
1-You come to at 6.30 am. The wife/girlfriend/alsation is still snoring, and you fancy a cup of tea. Do you:
a-Creep out of bed and bring them tea and toast?
b-Read the Daily Mail to send yourself back to sleep?
c-Turn on the Jimmy Young show to chase her out to the kitchen?
d-Slip her a length to wake her up, then boot her out with orders to make it a strong one?
2-The morning hard-on is rampant beneath your boxer shorts, She's in a hurry to get to work. Do you:
a-Ask meekly for a flash of knicker, then fantasise all morning?
b-Spend ten minutes wrestling her back to the bed?
c-Catch her from behind as she's bending over to look for the keys?
d-Do nothing - you just nobbed her in question 1(d)?
3-Now you're late for work - and the car in front of you has just broken down. The guy's Japanese and worried. Do you:
a-Leap out and see if you can help?
b-Hoot a couple of times, then drive around?
c-Shout 'Dickhead nip' and pull your keys across his paintwork as you drive past?
d-Rev up your Volvo and trash the slanteyed's tinbox Honda?
4-You're in the pub trying to get served. There are four guys in front of you and only one barmaid to go around, Do you:
a-Dutifully wait your turn?
b-Lean over as far as you can and wave a tenner?
c-Tell the guys in front that a steam roller just went over their cars?
d-Go out and start up your steam roller?
5-A flash git in a TVR steams up to your Cortina's rear end in the fast lane. Do you:
a-Pull over and pootle on to Hounslow at 40mph?
b-Brake hard and watch him squirm?
c-Casually empty a can of Castrol out of the window?
6-Taking the lady of the evening back for a night of wild grunties, you clock up an #8 taxi fare - and you're skint. Do you:
a-Own up and offer to wash the cab as payment?
b-Tell her to pay?
c-Tell her to go down on the driver?
7-You've been stood-up by your girlfriend outside a cinema when a fat American in checked trousers appears and begins to tell you his life story. Do you:
a-Tell him to go away or you'll piss on him?
b-Listen patiently?
c-Listen patiently and then piss on him?
d-Help him end his life story sooner then he intended?
8-You're in the Indian after a heavy drinking session. The waiter politely asks you to take your penis out of the curry and pull your trousers up. Do you:
a-Oblige?
b-Tell him it's alright, this is somebody else's curry?
c-Explain that it's an ancient English custom to express appreciation of good food?
9-Your woman comes back from the hairdressers with a post-holocaust perm. Do you:
a-Say how much you like it?
b-Say how much you don't like it?
c-Tell her you love it but surreptitiously set her head on fire when she asks for a light?
10-A situation at work is engineered so that the blame lands unfairly in you lap. How far will you go to repay the instigator?
a-A quiet word in his shell-like?
b-Public insult?
c-Public humiliation?
d-Cigarette through trousers?
e-Prolonged mental torture?
f-Mild physical pain?
g-Extreme physical pain?
h-Death threats issued to family?
i-Manslaughter?
11-An unintelligible Italian asks you directions to a place you wouldn't have heard of even if you could understand him. Do you:
a-Direct him anywhere just to get rid of him?
b-Give him detailed instructions to the station and tell him to catch the fast train to John O'Groats?
c-Tell him to hang a right at the next lights and take the third out on the roundabout?
12-You're in mid-session with the bird of your dreams when a Jehovah's Witness calls. Do you:
a-Answer the door stark bollock naked in the hope that you'll embarrass him away?
b-Join up. Anything to get back between your loved ones thighs?
c-Invite him in for a menage a trois?
13-Your glass containing a centimetre of G&T is knocked from your hand by a chap of slighter build than yourself. Do you:
a-Tell him it's OK, you'd almost finished it anyway?
b-Insist it was a full triple and demand a fresh one or a cash refund?
c-Opt for the easy-settlement-smack-in-the-teeth policy.
14-She's got her head where it matters giving it all she's got but you just know nothing is going to happen. Do you:
a-Quietly reach for a novel?
b-Quietly reach for a Penthouse over her shoulder?
c-Turn the remote control TV on but keep the volume down?
d-Suggest you both try another position?
15-It's your round, you're desperately trying to pull the woman you're with but you're skint. Do you:
a-Make an early move and jump on her?
b-Explain to her the 're-distribution of wealth' theory and ask her for practical demonstration?
c-Feign death?
d-Claim some bastard's pinched your wallet?
16-You get her home, get her upstairs and drop your Y-fronts. She falls abou laughing. Do you:
a-Forget the macho image and weep?
b-Explain that this always happens before the central heating comes on?
c-Stride manfully across the room and slap it in her laughing gear?
d-Extol the virtues of quality not quantity and dive in?
17-A punter obviously in pain outside a Portaloo begs you to change his nine pence for a ten pence piece. Do you:
a-Take the change, then make out an extensive invoice for the penny owing to you?
b-Toss the ten piece casually in the air and tell him to keep his nine pence?
c-Use the ten piece to let yourself into the Portaloo and spend half an hour combing your hair in the mirror?
18-You're still on the long strokes when you realise you're about to spurt your load. Do you:
a-Attempt to memorise the entire England 1966 World Cup squad?
b-Recite your thirteen times table?
c-Think of Molly Sugden and keep on charvering for the rest of the night
d-Imagine it's Madonna and let rip?
19-The library is silent and you've got the worst flatulence you've had in a long time. You feel an uncontrollable fart coming on. Do you:
a-Let one rasp then accuse the old woman next to you?
b-Run to the Russel Harty area in the biography section because no-one will be there?
c-Jog for the exit farting as you go?
d-Say, 'I think I'm going to fart,' very loudly then fart very loudly?
20-Belting through the countryside at 90mph you suddenly run over a hedgehog. Do you:
a-Reverse back over it to make sure the bugger's good and dead?
b-Scrape it up and give it a good Catholic burial?
c-Drive on cursing the stupid, spiney bleeder for tarnishing your tyres?
21-You come after three seconds. She obviously wants more. Do you:
a-Pound on agonisingly?
b-Give it a few jabs, then roll over and fart?
c-Stick her on the bedpost?
22-You're dying for a game of pool and there are ten names already up on the board. Do you:
a-Wait till you're on (by which time the pub's closed)?
b-Slip your name in third and hope nobody notices?
c-Shovel some Zlotys in the slot and jam the bugger?
d-Chuck up on the baize?
23-A mate invites you to a party but asks you not to tell anyone else about it. Do you:
a-Get on the blower immediately and organise a coach?
b-Keep schtum?
c-Respect your friend's request and only cram your eight best mates into the motor?
d-Keep it to yourself in the hope of using it to woo a floosie?
24-Who are you most likely to offer your seat to on a crowded train?
a-A very pregnant woman?
b-A drunk monoped?
c-The leggy blonde?
d-The gay, one-parent Indo-Irish mute?
e-An immense bricklayer with an insane glint in his eye?
f-A stooped old man believed to be aged 203?
25-To succeed in life would you:
a-Sell your own grandmother?
b-Sleep with your own grandmother?
c-Snide up a close friend?
d-Snide up anyone?
e-Sacrifice your marriage?
f-Sacrifice your testicles?
g-All of the above?
S C O R I N G
Every choice has been assigned a weighted value point. The values are listed below. Make one choice for each of the 25 questions and add up the points allotted for each choice.
1. (a) 1 (b) 2 (c) 4 (d) 3
2. (a) 2 (b) 3 (c) 4 (d) 1
3. (a) 1 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 4
4. (a) 1 (b) 2 (c) 4 (d) 3
5. (a) 1 (b) 2 (c) 4
6. (a) 1 (b) 2 (c) 4
7. (a) 2 (b) 1 (c) 4 (d) 3
8. (a) 2 (b) 3 (c) 4
9. (a) 1 (b) 2 (c) 4
10. (a) 1 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 4 (e) 5 (f) 4 (g) 5 (h) 2 (i) 2
11. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 3
12. (a) 3 (b) 1 (c) 4
13. (a) 1 (b) 3 (c) 2
14. (a) 2 (b) 3 (c) 4 (d) 1
15. (a) 2 (b) 3 (c) 3 (d) 1
16. (a) 1 (b) 1 (c) 4 (d) 2
17. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 4
18. (a) 3 (b) 2 (c) 2 (d) 1
19. (a) 3 (b) 2 (c) 1 (d) 3
20. (a) 4 (b) 1 (c) 3
21. (a) 1 (b) 4 (c) 3
22. (a) 1 (b) 3 (c) 4 (d) 2
23. (a) 4 (b) 1 (c) 3 (d) 2
24. (a) 2 (b) 1 (c) 5 (d) 2 (e) 2 (f) 1
25. (a) 2 (b) 3 (c) 2 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 4 (g) 5
W E L L - A R E - Y O U ?
Below 30 points:
You are either a caring guy with the patience of a saint or you're lying through your teeth. If you are telling the truth it is very likely that you regularly take tea with the Archbishop of Canterbury and date Mother Theresa. They're probably making up your wings in Heaven as you read and it's a certainty that you were the bloke who bought Malcolm Muggeridge's autobiography. If you're lying you're an irredeemable bastard and we can't help you.
30-49 points:
Sorry, you're actually quite a nice bloke. You have the proverbial heart of gold and are a subject of the eternal boy scout syndrome. If you were to meet an old woman you would be more likely to help her across the road than burn her bingo card. You probably get a mite indignant over life's little injustices but generally you're level headed, care for your fellow man and are very un-bastard like.
50-75 points:
You have a rare gift because you can turn your bastard qualities on and off a will. You have control and timing and can probably keep friends and handle enemies very well. So you are something of a chameleon in the bastard stakes. This is quite an art. Some people will detest you, others won't hear a bad word said about you. Hence the maxim: When you're good you're very, very good but when you're a bastard you're a right bastard.
76-99 points:
You're well on the way. You get through friends at a rate of knots, you're doing very well in your job and you're not adverse to sniding your competitor up something horrible. Company is something, you are discovering, that you can do without. You are presently your own biggest fan. You no longer know what the word 'compassion' means.
100 or above:
This is really the mega-bastard league. You make Charles Manson look like Bob Geldof and are beyond any help we can offer. If the Ayatollah ever needed a best man chances are you would have been top of the list. Your motto is: 'a friend in need is a friend in debt'. If being a bastard was a sport you'd play for England. You're self-orientated, vindictive, hateful and what's worse you admit to it. There again, you could just be having a bad day, couldn't you?
134-
Advice From Women To Men
1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.
2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
3. If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts.
4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
6. Please don't drive when you're not driving.
7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.
8. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance -- in fact -- please do !!!
13. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favourite outfit rather than "yours" -- the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.
14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt.
15. Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not talk to us.
16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.
18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?
19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.
20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling; however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.
135-
Women are just like orange juice cartons.
Its not the shape or the size that matters, or even how sweet the juice is.
It's getting those fucking flaps to open...
136-
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you ladies use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood". Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective manoeuvre to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!
137-
The following is a basic guide to Valentine's Day survival for men, which was faxed to me by the nice ladies down at "Romance Anonymous," formerly known as "Men Are Pigs But We Can't Kill Them."
STEP ONE: The minimum requirement is to let the woman know that you care. The least expensive way is to look at her -- preferably somewhere on her face -- and say, "I love you, [her name here]." If you forget her name, don't bother with the rest of the steps. You're dead.
STEP TWO: A Valentine card is an acceptable nonverbal token of appreciation. Best of all, it's cheap. Good Valentines are pink with lots of lace and have cute words such as "I'll love my sugar bunny forever and ever and ever and ... " Bad Valentine cards say, "Good for one free quart of motor oil."
STEP THREE: Candy. For some scientific reason that makes no sense, women regard chocolate the same way men view beer. While a handful of M&Ms is OK, women tend to expect something a bit nicer. Wrapped for starters. By the way, since the candy is supposed to be for her, she's going to notice any test bites. Stay out of it.
STEP FOUR: Jewellery. A bit pricier, especially if you didn't bother with steps 1-3. If you did, you might get by with a small but hideously expensive ring, necklace, or tiara. Keep in mind that most women, even in Utah, do not consider
aluminium, tin or a Mylar balloon to be a precious metal.
STEP FIVE: Lingerie. Be careful. Few men are smart enough about women to figure out their underwear. Not only does it have to be the right size and
calibre, it must also match any of the approximately 8 billion feelings she currently has about herself. To be safe, tell the clerk that you're looking for something that can't be used to strangle you in your sleep.
STEP SIX: Romantic getaways are good for couples with more than 0.002 kids. Studies prove that not even bacteria can reproduce when a toddler is beating on the bedroom door with a Fisher-Price toy. Depending on the size of your family, the romantic getaway may have to cross at least three international boundaries.
STEP SEVEN: Unlike men, women give points for trying. So do something. Anything is better than nothing. If you don't believe me, I can show you last year's knot on the back of my head.
138-
According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you.
They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
139-
A man enters his
favourite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read:
"Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."
140-
Laws women live by!
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
141-
Some sexist chat-up lines
You remind me of a spanner - every time I look at you I feel my nuts tighten.
You've got mirror knickers - I can see myself in them.
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in that skirt"
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
If your left leg was Christmas and your right leg Easter, can I visit you between the Holidays?
I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
142-
A NEW Kind Of Email System!!!
Introducing FeMail!
This new product will reduce your communications needs considerably. Its intuitive interactions will often leave you scratching your head in wonder. From your minimal communications with this package, it will quickly presume who your friends are (and even what their habits are), who you should be communicating with in order to advance your career, and let you know continually whether you are communicating effectively with the FeMail itself.
You may find that FeMail reduces your unnecessary communications with friends and associates. Your FeMail will intercept incoming communications from all sources and make a determination as to whether or not they should be relayed to you. The FeMail is especially thorough when examining messages from other FeMail systems. These messages will be examined for intent as well as content.
Messages that are received from other Mails will be scanned for intention by your FeMail. Any messages that will reduce your productivity at home or at the office (invitations to bars or parties, where the FeMail may lose contact with you for more than two hours for example) will be delivered to you only after they can no longer be acted upon. A true productivity increase is then possible, and your FeMail will even help you decide how to use this spare time to attend to maintenance issues.
In fact, you may find that the FeMail methods are far beyond your comprehension. Often times the FeMail responses you receive will be 180 degrees different than the direction you thought you were heading. In every case though, you will be compelled to agree with the decisions that your FeMail makes. Most areas where a FeMail is installed find that agreeing with the FeMail is easier than attempting to justify opposing logic.
The FeMail package includes modules for Cognitive Interpretation, Intuition, Presumptions, Innuendos (even some you may not realize), Inflection, and Encryption. (The encryption package is particularly effective, allowing other mails absolutely no chance of interpreting interchanges between two FeMails).
You will find yourself becoming dependent on the interactions that a FeMail makes possible. Once the FeMail begins working in your daily activities, you may find yourself changing certain actions to avoid conflicting with the FeMail suggestions.
The FeMail is extremely comprehensive, and provides only for a single user interface in most cases. The instructions included with your FeMail indicates that it may interact openly with other Mails in a conversational mode, but that you should never interact with someone elses FeMail,even in a conversational mode, and most certainly not in an interactive mode. The FeMail communications links have demonstrated an ability to intuit these actions even if you believe your FeMail would be unaware of the interaction. Continued interaction with FeMails that are not your own will be considered a security violation, and you may find yourself cut off from interaction with your own FeMail.
Because of the complexity and high-level of interface required, there are certain times (based roughly on a lunar month) when your FeMail system may behave erratically. During this particular cycle, your interactions with the FeMail should be monitored closely, and offensive or interpretive language removed. The FeMail may misinterpret even simple communications efforts during this short time. This is an unavoidable problem that the FeMail has endured since its inception, and we are still attempting to overcome this minor glitch.
Should a misinterpretation occur, your FeMail will store the data indefinitely, and only recall the misinterpretation when it can loosely associate it with other facts not necessarily related to the communications process. You will find these recollections and associations puzzling, but they all contribute to the operation of the FeMail system.
Obtain Femail today, and you will be surprised at the changes it will make in your life!!!!
143-
Q) How many male chauvinists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A) None - Let the bitch cook in the dark !
144-
Men - before and after she moves in..
Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and blow jobs follow ambient dinners like a fine port.
After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotised by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great arse.
Six key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.
1 Addictions
Before:
You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.
After:
For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and skin up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being you.
2 Bodily functions
Before:
You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.
After:
You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.
3 Relations/Friends
Before:
Her Auntie Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.
After:
Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-arse fascist with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind doing her if the opportunity arose.
4 Sex
Before:
Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You have sex to impress, using all your tricks . Having sex four times a day is not uncommon.
After:
A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.
5 Attention span
Before:
Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.
After:
Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.
6 The flip side (the female perspective)
Before:
She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships.....but she suspects that you're full of shit.
After:
She knows you're full of shit.
145-
50 things women can't do
1. Know anything about a car except its colour.
2. Understand a film plot.
3. Go 24 hours without making a one hour phone call.
4. Lift.
5. Throw.
6. Run.
7. Park.
8. Fart properly.
9. Read a map.
10. Rob a bank.
11. Resist Ikea.
12. Sit still.
13. Tell a joke.
14. Play pool.
15. Pay for dinner.
16. Eat a kebab whilst walking.
17. Piss out of a train window.
18. Argue without shouting.
19. Get told off without crying.
20. Understand fruit machines.
21. Walk past a shoe shop.
22. Make a decent bacon sandwich.
23. Not comment on a strangers clothes.
24. Use small amounts of toilet paper.
25. Let you sleep when you have a hangover.
26. Drink a pint gracefully
27. Get a round in.
28. Throw a punch.
29. Do magic tricks.
30. Like your friends.
31. Enjoy porn.
32. Eat a really hot curry.
33. Get to the point quickly.
34. Buy plain envelopes.
35. Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet.
36. Sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold".
37. Go shopping without telephoning 20 mates.
38. Avoid credit card debt.
39. Dive into a pool.
40. Assemble flat pack furniture.
41. Roll a bogey between finger and thumb.
42. Set a video recorder to do anything.
43. Not try and change you.
44. Watch a war film without moaning.
45. Understand why flirting results in violence.
46. Spend a day by themselves.
47. Go to the toilet by themselves.
48. Buy a purse that actually fits in their pocket.
49. Choose a video in under an hour.
50. Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above.
146-
Guy to girl in nightclub “Fancy a dance?”
Girl “No thanks”
Guy “I suppose a shag is out of the question then?”
147-
How To Speak About Women And Be Politically Correct
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.
148-
How To Speak About Men And Be Politically Correct
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not AFRAID OF COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
149-
Womens rules (in reply to the mens rules) ...
1. Dicks are for peeing and having sex - it is not necessary to play with it, name it, talk about it, measure it, boast about it – it is just an appendage same as your hand or foot and its not as pretty as you think
2. Learn to piss in the toilet bowl and not on the toilet seat, we don’t piss on the seat
3. Shopping is like the full moon and the changing of the tides – let it be, give up your credit card and stop complaining when we spend money
4. Sports – is it necessary to have 100 golf balls, 20 clubs, the most expensive golf bag because all you are going to do with it is put it on the back of a golf cart anyway. Is it necessary to buy a rugby jersey to watch rugby in, you are not playing the damn game
5. The only reason we cry is to release some frustration, the other alternative is to stick a knife in your throat
6. We have tried asking for what we want, but you suddenly go deaf, are reading the papers, or watching important news on TV, or forget, so we are just trying another means of asking for it
7. The reason we have a headache for 17 months is because you are a shit lover – 2 minutes of sex is not considered good sex.
8. The only reason we bring up issues from 6 months ago is because you are still making the same stupid mistakes
9. If we can lie about the size of your dick, you can lie about the size of our arse
10. Speak English correctly then we don’t need to interpret what you say in any way except the right way
11. We assume that you are intelligent because you keep telling us how intelligent you are therefore we assume that we don’t need to tell you how to do it you should do it the right way first time and besides when we do tell you how we want it done you tell us you know how to do it.
12. Whenever possible ask for sex just as we are getting into bed, do not wake us up for evening or morning sex and ask us if we are awake. Oh and morning sex is not good, your breath stinks and your dick is smelly and sweaty
13. Christopher Columbus did not ask for directions and that is why it took him 10 years to discover the fucking world
14. A golf ball is a golf ball is a golf ball, so if you can have 30 different makes of golf ball we can have all the colours of the rainbow plus what we make up as we go along
15. If it itches, its because its dirty or you have crabs – we don’t want to know
16. The only reason we ask for your assistance in dressing to go out is to prevent you from ogling the bitch walking past you, who has her dress up her cunt and her tits hanging out
17. A round fat stomach may be a perfect shape for you but then don’t get upset when the guy walking past you has a flat, 6 pack stomach and we look
18. A speedo is not sexy
19. Tight pants is not sexy
20. Black shoes white socks and black pants is not sexy
21. And if you ever want sex again, please note that women rule so get used to it
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