Marriage
1-
This chap goes to place his wife's obituary in the local paper, unfortunately he only has £1 and for that he gets three words. He asks the the women if he can just put "Doris is Dead" as he only has one pound to his name.
She explains to him that this is probably not enough and taking pity on him offers him six words for his pound.
The old chap really appreciates this gesture and increases the obituary to:
"Doris is Dead, Fiesta for sale"!
2-
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.
"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"
3-
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. De Bakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
4-
A middle-aged man was told at the hospital that he had only 24 hours to live. He went home in a state of shock and fell into his wife's arms. "I've been told I've only got 24 hours to live," he said. "Can we have sex one last time?" "Of course, honey," she said, and they went to bed. Four hours later, he turned to her and said: "Could we have sex again? I've only '" got 20 hours to live. It will probably be our last chance." "Sure, honey," replied his wife and they had sex. - Eight hours later, he asked her. "Do you think we could have sex one more time? -, After all, I've only got 12 hours to live."
"OK," said the wife and they had sex. Four hours later, he nudged her in bed. "I just realized I've only got eight hours to live. Could we have sex one last time?" "Very well," she sighed. "It's the least I can do in the circumstances". Four hours later, he woke her again. "I've only got fours to live. Would you mind if we had sex just one more time, our final act of love?" " This was too much for the wife. "Listen," she snapped, "you may not have to get up in the morning, but I do!"
5-
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband Jake maintaining a steady vigil by
her side.
As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed
onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips
began to move slightly.
"My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't
talk."
But she was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice "I
have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's
alright.
Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best
friend and your father."
Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand.
"Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he
said.
"You do?" she asked.
"Yes, I do. Why do you think I poisoned you, you slut?"
6-
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey- wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."
7-
Two buddies were sharing drinks, while discussing their wives.
"Does your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, no, not exactly. She's more into the 'trick dog' aspect of it," his buddy replied.
"Oh, I see! Man! Kinky, huh!?"
"Well, no, not at all. You see, it's like this... I sit up 'n' beg, then she rolls over and 'plays dead'."
8-
Checklist for a happy marriage
The secret checklist for a happy marriage:
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex
¯
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4. It is important that these three women never meet.
9-
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met.
While sitting at a cafe the little old man says "remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind". "Why yes I remember it well dear." Replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well for old times sake, lets go there again and i`ll give you one from behind.
The two old pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing seeing two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows the pensioners.
Sure enough he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady`s hips and the little old lady then leans forward and grabs the fence for support.
Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old lady at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur and they do not stop for a single second.
Finally they collapse and don't move for an hour.
The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time! The two old pensioners by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches the pensioner. He says "sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that fifty years ago? The pensioner replies " son, fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn`t electrified
10-
A husband and wife are having a meal in a smart uptown restaurant. Half way through the meal the husband excuses himself from the table and goes across the dining room to talk to a very attractive blonde who has just walked in on her own. When he gets back to the table his wife asks him “Who was that blonde?”
“That’s my mistress” replies hubby.
Naturally the wife goes ballistic and starts demanding an immediate divorce.
After listening to 10 minutes of her haranguing the husband calmly says “Remember the pre-nuptial agreement you signed? If you divorce me there will be only £50,000 settlement for you. You’ll lose your Mercedes, the house, the cottage in France, the 3 holidays a year and the £30,000 allowance for clothes etc”
The wife goes quiet and starts to reflect on this when she notices one of their friends entering the restaurant with a woman she doesn’t recognise.
“Who is that with Jack” she asks
The husband turns round, checks out the couple and turns back to his wife. “That’s Jack’s mistress” he replies
“Hmm” ,says his wife “Ours is prettier”
11-
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those!" she said. "They're for the funeral."
12-
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman asks, " Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid," said the woman.
The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?"
The maid replied, "He is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."
The woman is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid asks, "What will I have to do?"
The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there is no pool here."
After a long pause, the woman says, "Is this 234569?"
13-
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
14-
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet the dedicated wife stayed by his bedside every single day.
When the husband finally came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As the wife sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me."
The husband continued, "When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck. Why don’t you fuck off."
15-
From the day of their wedding, Sarah has been nagging her husband about his past. "Come on, tell me," she asks again, "how many women have you slept with?" "Honey," he says, "if I told you, you'd just get angry." "No. I promise I won't," she begs. "Well, if you insist. Let's see, one, two, three, four, you, six, seven..."
16-
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and
mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whisky, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
17-
A man was standing on the scale, sucking in his stomach. The man's wife sarcastically said, "I don't think that's going to help." "Sure it does," he said. "How else could I see the numbers?"
18-
A man and his wife went to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw me in front of you naked, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "and what are you thinking now?" The husband replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
19-
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of the strongest thing you've got." He takes the shot glass and knocks it back. He then asks for another one and knocks that on back, too. After about 5 or 6 of these the bartender decides that he's going to cut the guy off. He say's to the guy, "Hey, what's wrong with you? Did you have a fight with your wife or something?" The man sighs and says, "Yeah, after the fight she said that she wasn't going to speak to me for a whole week!" The bartender, puzzled, says, "Well, what's wrong with that?" The man replied, "Well today's the last day!"
20-
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"Watch the wall!"
21-
A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly horny and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her partner and the television and naughtily tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?" he replied, "look what it did to those panties."
22-
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week." "This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lot's of salmon, some trout, and a few pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
23-
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to wipe, and then discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties," so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties!" The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."
24-
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile." "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy."
25-
Morris comes home and finds his wife Sadie crying. She says, "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you're having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me? I've always been a good wife...I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Morris says, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex."
Sadie says, "If I moaned when we have sex, you'd stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex."
They go to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb in bed. As they start kissing, Sadie says, "Now, Morris? Should I moan now?"
He says, "No, not yet." He starts fondling her, and she says, "What about now? Should I moan now?"
He says, "No, I'll tell you when." He climbs on top of her and starts banging her.
She says, "Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?"
He says, "Wait, wait...I'll tell you when." A few minutes later, just seconds before he's going to climax, he says, "Now, Sadie. Moan. Moan..."
She says, "Oy, you wouldn't believe what a day I had..."
26-
A man is watching the football on TV when his wife turns to him and says: "Honey can you fix the light in the hallway it keeps flickering"
"Fix the light, now, do I look as though I have London Electricity written across my forehead? I don't think so" the husband replies.
"Well could you fix the fridge door please it doesn't close properly" she adds.
"The fridge door, now! Do I look as though I have Hotpoint written across my forehead, I don't think so" he replies again.
"Well could you at least fix the steps to the house, they are nearly breaking and dangerous" she say despairingly.
What? The steps? For God's sake can you see B&Q across my forehead, No,I don't think so - I've had enough of this I'm going to the pub"
So off he goes and drinks until closing time. When he returns home he notices that the steps to house have been fixed. On entering the house the hall light is no longer flickering and on grabbing a beer from the fridge he is pleased to see the door closes properly. Somewhat pleased with this "disappearing to the pub tactic" he asked his wife how come everything is fixed.
She replies: Well you see when you left I sat on the front porch crying, when suddenly this handsome young man asked why I was so upset. I told him and he said that he would happily fix everything if I would either bake him a cake or have sex with him"
"So" the husband enquires "what sort of cake did you bake him?"
"HELLO!!!" she replies, do I have Mr Kipling written on my forehead. No, I don't think so.
27-
A middle-aged couple was discussing life, and preparing wills. The conversation turned to remarriage. Wife: If I should die first, will you remarry? Husband: Probably, I wouldn't like to spend the rest of my life alone. Wife: Would you bring your new wife into our home that we have shared? Husband: I don't see why not, It would be empty, you wouldn't be there. Wife: Would you share the same bed we've shared? Husband: Well, it's a comfortable bed. Wife: Would you let her wear my clothes? Husband: Sure, if they fit. They are quite nice. Wife: Would you let her use my golf clubs? Husband: No way, Linda is left handed.
28-
A young couple on the brink of divorce decided to visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asked the wife about the problem.
"My husband suffers from premature ejaculation," she said.
"Is this true?" the counselor asked, turning to the husband.
"Well, not exactly," he replied. "She's the one who suffers, not me."
29-
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."
I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.
She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the colour didn't suit you.
Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.
"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"
30-
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
31-
Jones was having difficulties in business. "If I had as little as a thousand dollars in actual cash right now, this minute," he said to his wife sadly, "it might make all the difference."
"If that is all," said Mrs. Jones, "then all is well."
She ran upstairs and came down with a large jar filled with bills.
"I've kept this as a secret nest egg. You see, ever since we got married, I put a ten-dollar bill into the jar every time we made love. You can have it now. There's almost three thousand dollars there."
Jones looked at the jar with stupefaction. Finally he said, "Oh, if only I had given you all of my business."
32-
Frank has been feeling poorly lately...depressed, stressed, nervous, argumentative.
His wife Estelle, who is by now pretty stressed out herself, finally persuades him to make an appointment with their family doctor, to which she accompanies him.
After the physical, while Frank is getting dressed again in the examination room, the doctor takes Estelle into his office.
"Mrs. Johnson," says the doctor, "I'm afraid Frank's stress has affected his heart and blood pressure. I think we have to be prepared to lose him in a month or two."
"My God!," says Estelle. "Isn't there anything we can do?"
"Well, yes there is, but it will take a serious commitment on your part. First of all, when you wake up in the morning, put on something pretty, not just an old housecoat. Always look your best...show him you care what he thinks. Make a hot breakfast for him every day and have it ready when he comes down. Don't let him wait and start to brood, and don't let him worry about chores. Let him read the paper and watch TV as much as he wants. Make all his favorites for lunch, and bake a fresh pie or cake every day for dessert. For dinner, don't use frozen foods...if he wants French Fries, for example, cut them fresh and fry them. That will show him how much you care about him.
And most important, give him sex whenever and wherever he feels like it, and it would be a nice touch if you wakened him every morning by performing oral sex on him. That will show him how much you love and need him. If you work these simple duties into you routine, I'm certain we'll have Frank around for many, many years."
As they are driving home, Frank turns to Estelle. "Well, what does the doctor say?"
"He says you're gonna die."
33-
This guy and his newlywed wife go off to a fancy hotel to celebrate their first night of marriage. Both of them had been saving themselves for this night and both were very anxious to, you could say, get everything underway.
They strip down naked and are about to start getting kinky when the husband takes a look at his wife and says, "That's quite a fair sized butt you got there!!"
His wife starts screaming at him and going mad telling him he should think about what he says and that she had been waiting her whole life for this one night and then she kicks him out the room!
As he's standing in the passage feeling very despondent, he hears another door slam shut and sees another guy standing there with the same helpless look on his face. He asks the second guy what happened and he says, "Well tonight is my first night of my honeymoon. Both my wife and I had been saving ourselves for this one night. As we were getting ready I looked at her naked body and said, 'Quite the hefty pair of tits you got there!' Next thing she starts going wild and screaming and shouting, telling me I'm going to give her a complex or something, and then she kicked me out!"
Just then they hear a third door slam shut and see another guy standing there.
The first one asks him, "Did you also put your foot in it?"
And he replies, "No, but I could have!!"
34-
Each morning, a self-righteous, nosy cab driver would drive a man to his place of employment and would later return to drive the man's wife to her place of employment...a brothel.
During a conversation one morning with the man, the nosy cab driver smugly stated, "I don't mean to be prying, but did you know that each morning after dropping you off at work, I return and take your wife and drop her off at a brothel where she works?"
"That is impossible!" The man replied alarmingly. "My wife stays home while I am at work."
"You are being deceived, sir," the cab driver taunted. "As a special favor to you, after I drop your wife off today, I will return to pick you up, then take you to this place."
Both men agreed and after dropping the man's wife off at the brothel, he then picked up the man and drove back.
"I do not wish to enter such a place," began the man. "I will gladly compensate you if you would go in and retrieve my wife."
Anxious to prove his point, the cab driver rushed from the car into the brothel. A few minutes later, he stepped out of the brothel pulling and scuffling with a woman. The man stared out the window confused as he realized that this woman in fact was not his wife.
The cab driver pulled the woman to the car and pushed her inside.
"Sir, I must inform you, that this woman is not my wife," replied the man.
"I know," answered the cab driver as he turned back towards the brothel. "I'm going back in after yours, that one's mine!"
35-
A husband was coming out of anesthesia after an operation in hospital.
His wife was sitting at his bedside, when his eyes fluttered open and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, the wife continued her vigil. Later the husband woke up again and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to beautiful?" asked the wife.
"The drugs are wearing off," the husband replied.
36-
Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poisonous mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poisonous mushrooms, too.
Jim: And your third ate poisonous mushrooms, too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see. An accident?
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms!
37-
Every week at the grocery store Mary and Ellen, two old friends, would cross shopping carts.
One day one Mary notices a package of dog food in Ellen's cart and comments, "I didn't know you had a dog."
"I don't," says Ellen, "I give it to my husband, Henry. It's less expensive than ground meat and he doesn't know the difference. Besides, he loves the stuff."
"You're going to kill him if you continue to feed him dog food," Mary warns.
"Nah, he can't get enough of it," Ellen responds.
Two weeks later they cross paths in the grocery store again and Mary notices two large bags of dog food in Ellen's shopping cart.
"I see you're still buying dog food," Mary shouts. "Mark my words, you're going to kill Henry if you keep feeding that stuff to him."
"No way," says Ellen, "I simply mix it with a little water. It makes a nice gravy and he eats more than ever before. He doesn't know the difference and he really loves it."
Four weeks go by when they meet in the same aisle of the grocery store. This time Mary notices there is no longer any dog food in the cart.
"I see you're not buying Henry dog food any longer?" Mary inquires, "did he finally wise up?"
"No, unfortunately, Henry passed away last week," Ellen responds.
"I told you that damn dog food was going to kill Henry," Mary gleams.
"Oh, no, it wasn't that," Ellen answers. "He was run over in the middle of the street while licking his balls."
38-
One hot, summer afternoon in Alabama, Ma and Pa are sitting on the porch swing, rocking to and fro.
Then Pa turns to Ma and says, "Screw you, Ma."
A minute passes by when Ma says to Pa, "Screw you, Pa."
Another minute passes by and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you, Ma."
Again another minute passes by and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you, Pa."
After a couple of minutes pass by, Pa says to Ma, "You know something, Ma. I don't know what the fuss is all about but I just don't get too much from this oral sex thing."
39-
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going coochy cooh...?"asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries:
Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie...but the bar....you know... the frozen glass..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?" She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?
"You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a
blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words cutie pie?... HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!"
40-
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she ask how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.!!"
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
41-
Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's behaviour.
When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
"Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.
Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
42-
On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.
"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not want sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."
"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied.
"Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."
43-
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system down at the fire station:"
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole
BELL 3 rings and we' jump up on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump into bed. And when I say BELL 3, we're going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled
"BELL 1 !" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled
"BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled
"BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!
44-
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings.
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.
"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks. Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.
That night, his wife asks him to pour her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she find that
there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.
"Why didn’t you fill it?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "we don't want you to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"
45-
He said. . . Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said. . . That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I lie on the sofa and fart.
46-
A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10."
Husband: "What about one my size?"
Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"
Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd had a dream too: "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight ones sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10."
Wife: "What about ones like mine?"
Husband: "That's where they held the auction."
47-
A lady called the police to report that her husband was missing.
When the police arrived and asked for a description, she said, "He's six-foot-tall, with wavy blond hair and an athletic build."
The police went door-to-door looking for more information. But the woman who lived at the next house said, "What? That woman's husband is five-foot-four, with no hair and a beer belly the size of Australia!"
The police immediately returned to ask the first lady why she gave a false description for her husband.
The lady sighed and replied, "Just because he's missing, that doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
48-
A man takes his wife to the livestock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls.
The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if he had to fuck the same cow every day."
49-
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, ...it's up to you!"
50-
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
51-
Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp-only to discover a cucumber in his hand.
"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 5 years!?"
"Honey, let me explain!"
"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent Son of a Bitch!"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "Maybe you'd care to explain our 3 kids!
52-
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
Back at home for a few days, the bride called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful four-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, Mama ... words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
53-
Shortly after I got married, I was invited out for a "night out with the boys."
I told the wife that I would be home by midnight... I Promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and started giggling."
54-
A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and have a bonk?" the husband asked.
"Shhhh!" said the bride "All the neighbours will know what we're about to do.
These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it", replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No thanks" said the husband, "It was only a small load and I've done it by hand."
55-
This story apparently occurred on Melbourne radio
One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex ?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o’clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate ?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can’t say that.
Presenter: There’s a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We’ve got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we’re going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can’t say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn’t matter. I’ve already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That’s close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?
Sharelle: Oh no I can’t say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There’s a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I’ve already told them so it doesn’t matter anyway... just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse !
Radio Silence
Advert
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we’re going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We’ve given Brian and Sharelle the holiday.
Now we’ll take a music break.
56-
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.
The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”
The elderly gentleman replied, “There are two things I can’t stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!”
57-
A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants, "she said. "That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family. With that she flipped him her panties *and said' "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your fucking attitude changes!"
58-
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase. "Olympic condoms?" she asks: "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies: "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold of course, " says the man proudly. The wife responds: "Really, why don't you wear Silver? It would be really nice if you came second for a change."
59-
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple that had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Darling, this man hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just co-operate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do, don't fight him and make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Darling, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck ... he was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, and I love you too."
60-
Sam and Bessie are senior citizens but all his life Sam has wanted to own an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie: "So, do you notice anything different about me?" "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants." "What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says,: "Bessie, do you notice anything different?" "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow." Angrily, Sam yells: "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"
And Bessie said: "You shoulda bought a hat!"
61-
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killed any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
62-
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."
63-
This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.
Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
64-
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.
65-
Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father Ernie senior, met for lunch.
"Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior, "It seems I married a nun."
"A nun?" his father questioned.
"That's right," moaned Ernie junior, "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"
Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times. "Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"
Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"
"Fine," replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."
66-
A man is sitting at home with his wife. He says to her, "You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest."
"Oh honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!"
"But sweet thing," he says, "the prize is $100!"
"I don't care", she says "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody."
So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars.
"Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not to?" she asks.
"Please forgive me, sweetheart." he says.
"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes.
The man looks at her fondly and says, "Only enough to win."
67-
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make lasagna."
68-
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
69-
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
70-
A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."
71-
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
72-
John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.
"No," she responds.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.
"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.
73-
A man and his wife are fucking. Fifteen minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them.
The wife finally looks up and says, "What's the matter, darling, can't you think of anyone else, either?"
74-
Three weeks after her wedding day, Jane called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed: "John and I had a dreadful fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister: "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight." "I know, I know," sobbed Jane: "but what am I going to do with the body?"
75-
The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.
"Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, under 'Frequency of Intercourse you wrote 'Three times a week and your wife 'Three times a night."
"Well, that's right," replied the husband, "but that's only until we have paid off the mortgage on the house."
76-
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
77-
All of a sudden, the wife smacks her husband. The husband was totally dumfounded and asks, "What was that for?"
Wife said, "Because, you are a bad fuck".
Couple of minutes later, the husband smacks his wife.
This time, the wife was confused and asked, "And may I ask what's that about?"
Husband said, " Simple, because you know the difference.
78-
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me get a divorce.
The lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.
My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
"What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?"
"No," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."
79-
Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous, but her mother reassured her "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony takes off his shirt, and exposes his hairy chest. Maria runs downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs, he'll take care of you."
So ... up she went. When she gets up into the bedroom, he takes off his pants, showing his hairy legs. Again Maria runs down the stairs to her mother "Mama, mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man -- go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So ... up she went. When she was up there, Tony takes off his socks, and on his left foot he's missing three toes. When Maria sees this, she runs downstairs. "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here," says the mother, "This is a job for mama!"
80-
Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room. The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice on what to do.
The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there. The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens.
He calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing.
He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says: "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!" and hangs up on him.
A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back: "Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?"
81-
An 80 year woman married an 85 year old man. After about 6 months together the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor. The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother."
"Get serious Doctor, I'm 80." "I know," said the Doctor, "This morning I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle." "I'll be damned," she replied and stormed out of the office.
She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband. "Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice. She screamed, "You rotten son of a bitch. You got me pregnant!" There was a pause on the line.
Finally her husband answered "Who's calling please?"
82-
One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely, dear" she said, "what's the occasion?" "I want to make love to you" he said simply. "Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."
The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her. "I'm awfully tired, honey" said his wife. "Not tonight."
Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no.
Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.
"How adorable, Jerry" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"
"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."
83-
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve
84-
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.
The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'it' too big, it's too big'."
85-
A white guy was having trouble satisfying his wife, so he went to his black buddy at work for advice.
"Listen," said the inept white guy, "I know you soul brothers always satisfy your women. How do you do it?"
"Oh, dat ain't no problem," said his friend. "What I does is stick it in 'em real slow, and then pull it out from 'em real fast. Keep doin' that and dey come ever' time."
The white guy went home that night and tried his friend's technique out. He stuck it in real slow, and then extracted it real quickly, just like his buddy said. After a while he asked his wife, "Honey, do notice anything different about the way I'm doing it?"
"Yeah," she said, "you’re fucking like a black guy!"
86-
Marriages are made in Heaven. So are thunder and lightning.
87-
An older couple is playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6-inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses; they lose the match.
On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick."
The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
88-
Ken was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Promise to fulfil my last request, Cindy," he said.
"Of course, Ken," his wife said.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Tim."
"But I thought you hated Tim," she said.
With his last breath, Ken said, "I do!"
89-
A fortune teller admits to a wife, "I can’t hide the truth from you prepare to become a widow. Your husband is going to die soon."
"Yes I know that, " says the woman. "Now look again and tell me if I’m going to get acquitted."
90-
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: ...........before marriage and after marriage.
91-
A groom and his newlywed wife go to the resort hotel for their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and the receptionist gives the groom a key to the bridal suite. The whole evening, the people in the next room are phoning down to the main desk to complain about the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.
The next morning at 6 a.m., the groom calls room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"
"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.
The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night, so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast, and a gallon of orange juice."
Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you have there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"
"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"
Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"
The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit too!"
92-
After several disastrous attempts to synchronise his own and his wife's libido with the delayed-action effects of Viagra, Tom the Bus Driver was delighted to hear about a new product called Now!-Agra. Each pill came with strict instructions; 'To be taken only
immediately before sex'.
So Tom phoned his wife - who was equally hungry for some satisfactory action - and arranged to be home by six that evening. Whilst he was finishing his day's work she had a long soak in luxurious bubble bath, listened to her favourite records, and was truly
relaxed and ready when the clock struck six.
When he wasn't home by eight she was really peed off, and by nine she was begining to worry...
Tom came home sheepishly at ten, looking absolutely shattered.
"What happened?
"Well, I got back to the depot on time and the Inspector asked me to park the bus at the back of the garage. I thought a few minutes wouldn't make any difference so I said yes. Then I took out the pill, and somehow, after all our other problems, I thought I ought to give it time to 'kick in'. So I took it there and then..."
"And..."
"And I've only just managed to get out from under the steering wheel..."
93-
Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most
evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary,
thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a
local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya
doing?"
Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for
that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with
them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi
Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the
door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch
tonight, Dave."
94-
On the evening of their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, Bessie, the bride left the bathroom to find Moe, the bridegroom, with his prayer book in front of the bed.
"So what are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance" answered the religious young man.
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."
95-
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The fucking funeral director," said his wife.
96-
A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.
"Out drinking again!?" she says. "How much money did you spend this time?"
"£100" answers the man.
"£100!" she shouts. "That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night out!"
"Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."
97-
So I said to the wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in our road except one."
And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23."
98-
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
99-
How I Met my Wife
It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.
I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.
I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.
Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.
So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads and tails of.
I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated -- as if this were something I was great shakes at -- and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.
Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.
She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation become more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.
100-
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one- dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish...I'd like to give birth to twins."
101-
In the middle of night, a wife woke her husband, "Darling, it's so cold!"
The husband jumped out of the bed, brought one more blanket from a closet and carefully tucked it around his wife's body. After a while, the wife woke him once again, "My dear, it's so hot here." The husband jumped out of bed and rushed to open a window. In a few minutes the wife woke him one more time and said, "My love, I want a man."
"But be reasonable," the husband said. "Where can I find a man in the middle of night?"
102-
My wife always says to me, "Give me money, give me money."
What does she do with all the money?
Dunno. Never gave her a penny.
103-
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
104-
Q: What's the worst thing a woman can get on her 25th wedding anniversary?
A: Morning sickness.
105-
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
106-
A married couple is celebrating 50 years of marriage. He had taken her to dinner and dancing to celebrate. They were reflecting over the past 50 years.
She said, "You have given me everything that any woman could desire, 2 beautiful children that grew up and became a doctor and a lawyer. A beautiful home and a new car every three years. The kids have given us grandchildren, and we love them too death. If there is anything I haven't given you, all you need do is ask."
"Well, the husband says, there is one thing."
"What is that," says the wife?
"A blow job," says the husband.
The wife thinks for a moment and says, "I have never given you a blow job, because I didn't think you would respect me after that. But, since we have been together 50 years, surely you would respect me now, so ok."
So she unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and proceeds to give him a blow job. Just as she finishes and wipes her chin, the phone rings.
The husbands answers and says, "Yes, right here. Hold on a moment. Here, cocksucker, it's for you."
107-
A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex. The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours. In a panic, he phoned the doctor.
"What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home."
"I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?"
"Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?"
"But I don't need Viagra with the maid."
108-
I got home from the pub the other night and I was a bit late, when I opened the front door
the wife was standing there with a rolling pin in her hand, I said "Bit late for cooking dear."
109-
George comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been kissing someone, haven't you?"
He says, "Nope."
She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."
He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my dick."
110-
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
111-
The elegant couple were getting ready to go out to dinner.
"What dress should I wear?", she calls down to her husband.
"Oh try that new Versace number, sweetheart", he calls back.
"Diamonds or pearls. Which would go better with the dress?, she calls down.
"Wear them both sweetheart", comes the reply.
"It's a bit cold out, should I wear the sable or the mink darling?"
"The mink sweetheart, it really suits you"
"Are we taking the Bentley or the Ferrari darling?"
"Well you've taken so long getting ready that I'll need to take the Ferrari, otherwise we'll never make it in time for the early bird special"
112-
Moishe is shouting at his wife, Becky.
“Oh no, not another new dress and accessories. Just where do you think I am going to get the money to pay for it all?”
Becky replies, “I may be a lot of different things to many people, but I’m certainly not nosey!”
113-
Dave and Sue had just got married. On their way to their honeymoon, Dave said to his new wife “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”
She replied, “Darling, I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune.”
114-
A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a £50 note on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me £20 change!"
115-
Alf arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Michael Bloom has finally quit smoking.
"Imagine that, Alf," she says, "someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don’t have."
But Sadie hadn’t finished.
"And that’s not all. I hear that Bernard, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking – another example of the kind of will power that you don’t have."
"OK, Sadie," said Alf, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won’t be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman."
Alf keeps to his word.
One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door.
Alf shouts out, "What do you want?"
Sadie replies, "Bloom has started smoking again."
116-
Mike had been away on a lengthy business trip and on the plane back home, he began thinking of all the romantic things he would do on his return. So when he came home, he quietly suggested to Becky that they go to bed early that night for a bit of l-o-v-e. But Becky said, "Oh Mike, I'm so tired from looking after the house all the time you were away. Please, another time if you don’t mind."
The next night Mike asked again. Becky said, "Oh, Mike, I’ve got such a terrible headache. I won’t be able to do anything and it wouldn't be any good. Please, wait a bit longer."
On the third night, Mike had gotten just a little impatient. "How about it?" he said, a bit abruptly.
Becky snapped back at him, "Mike. This is the third night in a row you've asked me. What are you? Some kind of sex maniac?"
117-
Q: What is a married woman’s idea of a dream home?
A: 6,000 sq. ft; no kitchen and no bedrooms.
118-
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
119-
Two women were talking about their lives since they had become nursing home residents. They both agreed that life was good, but one of the women, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had arrived at the nursing home.
The other woman said that her sex life was great! "There is a secret to great sex," explained Hazel. "When my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. Then, when he sees me like that, he gets really excited and we have wild sex all night!"
"I'm going to try that tonight!" insists Ethel.
When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that evening, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Soon, she has the other leg behind her head too. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move. It's not too long before her husband walks into the bedroom. With a shocked look on his face, he screams, "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in... you look like an
arsehole!"
120-
WHAT EVERY MAN EXPECTS IN A WIFE
~ She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
~ She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
~ She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
~ Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
~ She will never be sick--just allergic to jewellery and fur coats.
~ She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good for her figure.
~ She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
~ Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
~ She will hate charge cards.
~ Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, honey?"
~ She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. Universe.
~ She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
~ She will love you because you're so sexy.
WHAT HE USUALLY GETS
~ She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
~ She was once a model... for a totem pole.
~ Where there's smoke, there she is -- cooking.
~ She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
~ She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say.
~ No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
~ If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.
121-
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing.
And I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hear the words "I do".
One evening last week, my wife and I got into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I'm obviously not in tune with her emotional needs as a "Woman". I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"
I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed.
The very next day we went shopping at a big department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth £300 each to which I say OK.
And then we go to the Jewellery Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared.
I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said,
"I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face .... It went completely blank. I then said,
"Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You’re obviously are not in tune with my financial needs as a "Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring of 2006!
122-
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties.
"After all, dear," she said, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find a gift wrapping on a dead beaver."
123-
My wife complains that I don't listen to a word she says.
At least, I think that’s what she said.
124-
While I was attending a Law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us. Translated it means "To hear the other party"
After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
Responded one man "My Wife"
125-
A man is sitting on his front step staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over.
The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbour asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbour. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
126-
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
127-
Husband: "Would you like to have sex tonight?"
Wife: "No".
Husband: "Are you sure?"
Wife: "Yes, I'm sure."
Husband: "Is that your final answer?"
Wife: "Yes, it is."
Husband: "In that case, can I phone a friend?"
128-
John suggested to his wife Claire that they try a new way to save some money. 'Every time we make love, I'll give you £1 for your piggy bank,' he told her. Weeks later, they opened the piggy bank. Out tumbled a heap of coins, along with a cluster of £10 and £20 notes.
'Where did you get all that from, Claire?' asked John. 'I only gave you £1 each time we had sex.' 'So,' she said, 'do you think that everyone is as cheap as you?'
129-
On his wedding day, the groom walked down the aisle with a big grin on his face. His best man said: 'I know this is your wedding day but I've never seen you with such a huge smile.'
The groom whispered: I've just had the best blow job ever.'
As the bride walked down the aisle, she was also grinning from ear to ear. Her bridesmaid said to her: 'I know this is the happiest day of your life, but I've never seen you with a bigger smile.'
The bride whispered: I've just given my last blow job.'
130-
A sex-starved wife's fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had a good shag for over a year and is considering divorce. After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home.
When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he coos "baby, get upstairs to the bedroom". she can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one.
They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "now darling do a hand-stand against the full
length mirror on the wall". "Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it."
She does the hand-stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her pussy. "The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a beard would suit me!"
131-
A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra.
He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him. "What
colour?" they asked.
He settled for white.
"How much does it cost?" he asked.
"Twenty pounds."
"Very good," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.
"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"
"No," he said, "nothing like that."
"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."
He thought long and hard and then looked up and said,
"Have you ever seen a Cocker Spaniel's ears?
132-
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again the strain would be too much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
133-
Q: What's the difference between a terrorist and a wife?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
134-
A woman walks into a chemist's and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide. The pharmacist asks: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The woman then explains she needs it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's
eyes got big and he whispered: "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide
to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll
throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely
not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
The woman simply reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said: "Well now, you didn't tell
me you had a prescription!"
135-
A woman gained a few pounds and it was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of blue jeans.
Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to anyone else, she asked her husband, "Do these jeans make my bum look like the back end of a London bus?"
"Of course not!" he replied, "London buses are red."
136-
A middle aged couple went to Las Vegas for their second honeymoon, but unfortunately lost all their money gambling and didn't have enough money left to pay all their hotel bill.
Feeling quite desperate, they happened to pass a poster advertising a visiting rodeo. Enormous prizes could be won for staying on the bucking bronco.
The husband decided to have a go even though many had gone before him and all had fallen off. To the amazement of the onlookers he managed to stay on and won 30,000 dollars.
The wife was dumbfounded. "How did you manage that? You've never been on a horse in your life."
"I know, but don't you remember when we went on our honeymoon and you had that dreadful cough?"
137-
Will I be the first to do this to you?" he whispered to his bride on their wedding night.
"Silly boy," she said. "How could I know? You have not told me which position you are going to use!"
138-
Man "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere "
139-
A man asked his wife, "If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?"
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, The Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hotdogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
140-
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barracked for nearly two
hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his eye.
141-
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counsellor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'
142-
Marriage is certainly a big risk. If it goes sour, you can lose some of your most prized possessions. Just ask John Bobbitt.
143-
The judge turns to the woman and says: "I see you're divorcing your husband on the grounds he's an uncouth slob. Can you give me an example of this?"
"Yes, your Honour", replies the wife. "Whenever we go out, he always drinks tea with his pinkie sticking out"
"There's nothing wrong with that madam, in fact, it's considered good manners in some circles to drink tea with the little finger sticking out" says the judge.
"But your honour" replies the woman " I wasn't talking about his finger"
144-
A newlywed is telling her friend how she's been teaching her husband manners.
Suddenly he rushes in and shouts: "How about a quickie?"
Shocked the girls friend says: "I thought you were teaching him manners?"
"Oh but I am" she says "A month ago he wouldn't have even asked"
145
A woman asks her husband: "Be honest, does this skirt make my bum look big?"
"Of course not, darling," He replies. "Don't be so silly"
Flattered, the woman is about to kiss him when he adds:
"It's all that bloody chocolate you eat that makes your bum look big"
146-
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself".
147-
A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? " So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."
148-
A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
149-
An old widow and widower get married. They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night.
After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel. Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other. In the process the old woman removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass. Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall. She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously. He is intently watching... She continues.
She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand. Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and he continues to stare in an interested manner. As she takes off her wig, she realizes that he is not making much progress in getting undressed.
He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her.
She asks him, "What are you waiting for?"
He quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it over here!"
150-
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage
counselling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in
theatre arts.
He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."
151-
For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in cling-film from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."
Rounding the corner, Michael spots his wife all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately remarks, "Leftovers again!"
152-
Darren marries this girl, and they go on their honeymoon. He leaves the room the first night to go down to the lobby to get a pack of cigarettes. When he gets back, his bride is lying on the bed naked fucking one of the bellhops. Another one is under her, getting her in the ass. She's sucking off the desk clerk, and she's jerking off a cab driver and the dishwasher. Darren screams, "What the fuck are all these jerk-offs doing in here?" She says, "Well, you always knew I was a flirt."
153-
"Who will give the bride away?" asked the preacher.
"I could," came a voice from the back of the church, "but I'm keeping my mouth shut."
154-
A woman went to the pub with a black eye.
"How'd ya get that?" asked the publican.
"From my husband," she replied.
"But I thought he was out of town?" he asked.
"So did I!" she said.
155-
If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
8 hours, 57 minutes - who cares what she wants!
156-
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, an elderly couple booked the honeymoon suite at a posh hotel.
As the bellboy was taking their luggage to the suite, he thought to himself, "At their age, they're booking the honeymoon suite.What a laugh!"
That night, he decided to spy on them, so he sat in the lobby opposite their suite. All night long, all he heard was giggling and clapping coming from their room. He couldn't believe his ears.
In the morning, he apologized to the husband for having spied on them, but being curious, he asked the husband how he could do what he did at his age.
"Well," the husband replied, "it's like this. First I remove all my clothes and lie face up on the bed. Then my wife removes all her clothes. Then..."
"Then WHAT?" the bellboy asked impatiently.
"Grinning, the elderly husband replied, "Then my wife lifts up my penis with one hand and we make a bet."
"You make a BET?" exclaimed the bellhop. "What bet?!?"
Smirking, the husband explained, "If it falls to the right, I win; and if it falls to the left, she wins."
"But, what if it doesn't fall?" asked the bellhop.
"Then we both win!" replied the husband
157-
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'
Holding her hand in the air and showing off her ten carat diamond ring., Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?"
158-
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.
The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.
"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy.
"Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"
159-
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for awhile when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail".
The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite".
160-
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
161-
The reporter met the troop ship bring back demobilized soldiers after World War II. He wanted to write a human interest story, and asked one soldier, "What's the first thing you'll do when you get home?"
The soldier immediately replied, "Fuck my wife."
The reporter realized he'd never get that printed, and asked, "Oh. Well, what's the second thing?"
"Then I'll take off these Goddam filthy combat boots!"
162-
The wife wants to try the missionary position. Her on top, me in Africa.
163-
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man said," My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man said, " Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, " So what did you do?"
"I turned out the light," the second man replied.
164-
Our instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or testicles when a female student asked another male student and me if we ever got an erection while we did self- examination of our testicles. We answered that it was possible that we had. You know, you don't really want everyone to know when you get aroused.
She then asked, "What do you do about it?"
We said in unison, "Nothing, why?"
She then said, "You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?"
We said no way! She then states, "You mean a man's penis will go down without having an orgasm?"
We both said yes.
At which time she says, "I'm going to kill my husband!"
165-
It seems this particular guy was an incurable practical joker, particularly when people got married. So when he got engaged he became dead nervous and was constantly looking out for retaliation. But everything went smoothly. No problems at the wedding or the reception, and he and his bride left for their honeymoon. After a long and apparently wonderful night together they decided to use room service to order breakfast. He reached for the phone:
Happy groom: "This is room 435. We'd like to order breakfast sent up."
Room service: "For how many people?"
Happy groom: "Two"
From under the bed: "Nah, make it five!"
166-
Jack was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife Fanny in the arms of another man. He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?"
The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with Fanny and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her.... Okay?"
"Okay," replied Jack, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we also play for a dollar a point?"
167-
Going to a school reunion with a mate? Bring along your wives - but you go with his wife, and he goes with yours. Your old classmates will be none the wiser, then imagine the look on their faces a few hours later when you do a bit of "wife swapping"!
168-
What should you do if you arrive home and find your wife in bed with another man?
Make sure his guide dog hasn't shit on the bedroom floor!
169-
A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met the man in the hallway. She said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your bride would like to have them?"
"I'll ask her," the young man responded. He opened his door and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"Hey, Pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to mother."
170-
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress, " she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said.
171-
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Wally's life of celibacy.
172-
A married couple are driving along a motorway doing 60 or so, the husband behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks over at him and says: "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years but I want a divorce". The husband says nothing but slowly increases his speed to 70 mph. She then says: "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend and he's a lot better at sex than you." Again the husband stays quiet but speeds up more as his anger increases. "I want the house," she insists, pushing her luck. Again the husband speeds up, now to 80 mph. She says: "I want the car too! " but he just keeps driving faster and faster. By now he's up to 90 mph. "And I want the bank accounts and all the credit cards". The husband starts to veer towards the central reservation. This makes her a little nervous so she asks nervously: "Isn't there anything you want dear?" The husband replies: "No, I've got everything I need darling..." Oh really," she says: "so what have you got?" Seconds before they smash into the central reservation at well over a 100 , the husband smiles and says:... " The fucking airbag! "
173-
A couple are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
They're talking about old times and whether they've any regrets.
"Well," says the man, "There is one thing I wish we could have done together."
"What's that?" asks the wife.
"Well, I've always wanted to have sex doggie style."
"You really want to do that?"
"Sure," replies the husband "Could we?"
"Well," says the wife, "I suppose so, but on two conditions. The first is that we do it in
the dark, and the second is that we do it on a street where we don't know anyone!"
174-
Two newlyweds are suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor
advises, "It's not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of
marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sex
life to those days of the week with an "R" in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and
Saturday."
Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty
following the medico's orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride
found herself eager as a beaver.
Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial
wakefulness.
Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked,
"What day is it honey?"
She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, "Mondray."
175-
A woman is standing nude in front of her bedroom mirror and looking at herself.
She says to her husband, “I’m horribly fat and ugly, please pay me a compliment.”
“Sure,” the husband replies, “your eye sight's fucking 20-20!”
176-
A retired couple are discussing all aspects of their future. “What will you do if I die before you do?” the husband asks.
After some thought, the wife replies, “I’ll probably look for a house share with three other single women. It might fun to share with women a little younger than myself, as I’ve always been so active.”
“What will you do if I die first?” the wife asks.
We a cheeky smile the husband replies, “Probably the same.”
177-
Sidney says to his friend, “We were so poor when I was young that I had to sleep in the same bed as my three brothers. We slept four-to-a-bed for many years. I didn’t know what it was like to sleep alone until I grew up and married Sadie.”
178-
Avrahom walks into John Lewis department store and goes straight to the perfumery department. He says to an assistant, "Today is my wife Sharon’s birthday and I would like to buy her a nice bottle of French perfume.
The assistant says, "That will be a nice surprise for her."
Avrahom replies, "It sure will – she’s expecting a diamond necklace."
179-
A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.
"What's this for?" she asked.
"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny."
A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage. "Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in my place when I'm gone."
"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."
180-
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. after inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead, right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead!"
181-
The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take next plane for fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."
His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11.30 a.m. How long have you known about us?
182-
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to' Bring this note to your beautiful Mummy.' The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to 'Bring this to your silly Daddy.' The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to 'The lady in the kitchen'. The note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to 'Take this to the poor man upstairs'. The note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!
183-
A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase, "Honey."
"Yes, darling?"
"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."
"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?"
"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But for heaven's sake, give me more than ONE!"
184-
A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him: "So... how do you like using second hand stuff?"
To which the new husband replied: "It isn't that bad. Past the first 3 inches, it's all brand new."
185-
Mark: You know Joe, I made love to my wife last night for the first time in two months!
Joe: Two months?! That's a long time! I'm really glad to hear that things are better for you and your wife.
Mark: Well...actually we almost made love.
Joe: ALMOST?! How can you ALMOST make love?
Mark: Well, I found out afterwards that my wife was just using me to time an egg.
186-
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
187-
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An English girl !!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked?
"The one I asked for- the English girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said
"Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl !!!"
188-
A young couple got married, and the husband thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brings his wife breakfast in bed.
She wasn't impressed wit his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, the young man brings his true love a scrambled egg.
She wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted *poached* this morning!"
Determined to please her, the *next* morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached.
"Here, love, enjoy!"
"You scrambled the wrong egg."
189-
Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with
self-hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better. However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes.
This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.
There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."
190-
Harry decides to take his secretary Sharon to dinner one night, so he rings his Beckie and tells her he is going to an important business dinner. After a good meal, Harry drives Sharon back to her flat and she, in turn, offers him some coffee. Soon, one thing leads to another and they find themselves in bed. But no matter how hard he tries, poor Harry can’t get an erection. So shamefaced, he apologises to Sharon and goes home.
As he quietly gets into bed next to his snoring Beckie, Harry’s thigh touches hers and he instantly gets an erection. He gets back out of bed, goes into the bathroom, looks at his penis and says, “Now I know why they call you a dick"
191-
Toughest Questions
Here are the correct answers to the 5 hardest and most often incorrectly answered questions a female may ask you.
The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball b - Football c - How fat you are. d - How much prettier she is than you. e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know, " Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes. c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."
192-
When Rivkah was called up for jury service, she asked the judge whether she could be excused.
"I don’t believe in capital punishment," she said, "and I wouldn’t want my views to prevent the trial from running its proper course".
The judge liked her thoughtfulness but had to tell her that she was perfectly suitable to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial, it's just a simple civil lawsuit. Mrs F is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the entire £15,000 he had promised her for her birthday so that she could carry out a make-over on her kitchen."
"OK," said Rivkah, "I'll join your jury - I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
193-
Moshe was talking to his friend. "I had it all, Hymie - money, a beautiful house and the love of a beautiful woman. Then
pow! It was all gone."
"What happened?" asked Hymie.
"My wife found out about the beautiful woman."
194-
"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbour.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is now paid up for nine months!"
195-
There was a guy that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."
So the fellow did. The next day his buddy asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said the fellow. "
...And did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!!!"
196-
A family was all together recently, just hanging around. The daughter was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"
Her husband, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?" To which the father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."
197-
A salesman was testifying in his divorce trial against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?”
198-
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
199-
A guy has never had sex, and gets into bed on his wedding night.
His new wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I want?"
He says, "No."
She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?"
He says, "Well, apparently, you want the whole bed to yourself!"
200-
A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage
counsellor. The counsellor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."
The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."
201-
Sadie took her husband Bernie to see a psychiatrist for a check up. After examining him, the doctor took Sadie to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your husband. His mind has completely gone."
"I’m not really surprised," Sadie replied, "Bernie’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years."
202-
A woman is more than a little frustrated with her love life because her husband is infatuated with Bridgett Bardot to the point where he ignores her completely.
To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattoo artist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity will probably make this unattractive later in life. He suggests she have the tattoo on her ass instead.
She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each cheek. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him at the door by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork.
"What do you think?" the wife says.
"Uh," her husband wants to know, "who the hell is Bob?"
203-
After years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor and his doctor tries a few things but nothing seems to work. Finally the doctor says to him: "The reason that you can not perform is all in your mind!" So the doctor refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the psychiatrist confesses: "I'm at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." So he refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws a white powder into a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor
says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say: "123" and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over and I do not want an erection any longer?"
The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is: "1,2,3,4" and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for another year!" The guy goes home and that night he gets ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her he says: "1,2,3!" and suddenly he gets an enormous erection just as the witch doctor told him he would. His wife, facing the other way, turns over and says: "What did you say: "1, 2, 3 for?"
204-
A young married couple went to their lawyer one evening and asked for a divorce. the lawyer seemed upset that such a young couple would want to divorce and asked why.
The wife replied "its his job."
Quite upset with this answer the lawyer asked what the man did for a living,
"I'm a porn star." replied the husband.
Intrigued the lawyer continues, "but surely you knew this?"
"Oh yes," replied the wife, "but I didn't know he doesn’t take his work home with him..."
205-
Tyrone was visiting Leroy and discussing Leroy's problems with his wife when Leroy's doorbell rang.
Leroy answered the door and was handed a paper which the deliverer said was a subpoena.
Leroy showed it to Tyrone and asked him if he knew what it was.
Tyrone said, "Dis here is a subpeena."
"Wut is a sub-peena?" Leroy asked.
"Well," said Tyrone, "dat's law talk. Yo wife is suing you for deevorce. We know dat 'sub' means 'unda' and 'peena' is Latin
for 'penis', so - 'subpeena' means unda the penis which means she done got you by da balls."....
206-
A father and his son were in the backyard trying to fly a kite. The boy held the kite up and the father ran pulling the string. The kite would go up in the air ten or eleven feet and flutter to the ground. Several tries and the same thing kept happening.
The wife was watching this from the kitchen window and she stepped to the door and called to her husband: 'Honey, what you need is more tail.'
'I know, I know' replied the husband. 'That's what I told you last night and you told me to 'go fly a kite'.'
207-
Some quotes about marriage
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -- Henny Youngman
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman
208-
A man went golfing every weekend for years.
One Saturday morning he started out as usual but when he got to the course he found it was very cold and looked like rain, so he decided not to play.
Since it was early when he arrived back home, he decided to join his wife who was still dozing in bed.
He took off his clothes, climbed in, snuggled up next to her backside and said, "It's really bad outside."
She replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband still went golfing?"
209-
Morris and his wife were vacationing in Hawaii when a violent earthquake occurred at 3 AM. As soon as morning came, the man went down to the hotel lobby to read the newspaper about what had happened.
As he was reading the newspaper, a local gentlemen step up and ask him if he had felt the earthquake during the night.
"I sure did. My wife and I are here on vacation from the mainland, and I have felt other earthquakes, but I have never felt a quakelike that one, it was terrible. I thought the building was going to come down on us."
The guy asks, "What were you doing during the earthquake?"
"Gee, I was having the best sexual performance of my life as that earthquake was happening."
"Is that right?" "And what did your wife think about it?"
Morris said, "Well, it damn near woke her up!"
210-
The lady complained to her husband, "Why don't you buy me a fur coat? I'm always so very, very cold!"
"If you already knew the answer," he replied, "then why did you ask me the question?
211-
Sam and his wife Sue are lying in bed one night when Sam sidles over to her side of the bed and whispers in her ear, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
Sue says, "I'll miss you."
212-
A woman asks her husband if he'd like breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs perhaps. A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee" she enquired.
He declined. "It's the Viagra! he said: "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she again asks him if he'd like something to eat. " A bowl of home-made soup, muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declined again. "The Viagra," he said: "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks him again if he'd like something to eat. "Maybe a steak and apple pie to follow? Or a microwave Pizza. Perhaps a tasty stir-fry, that would only take a couple of minutes?"
He declined: "Naw... still not hungry."
"Well," she said: " would you mind very much getting off me, I’m absolutely starving!"
213-
The other morning I took some underwear out of the drawer.
"What the hell?" I said to myself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when I shook them out.
"Babe," I hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
214
A man and his wife both come home looking glum.
"What's up with you? ", the man asks.
"Never mind me, what's up with you?" she replies.
"Well ...I've been made redundant".
"Oh my god!..... so have I", she says. "What will we do? We've just taken on this HUGE mortgage!"
"Well, there's only one thing for it...you'll have to go on the streets until we get work", says the man.
"But I've never been a prostitute, how will I know what to do?", she moans.
"Don't worry" he says, "I'll be your pimp. Get your kit on and let's go".
"Now you stand on this street corner and I'll hide in this doorway...if you need help just come and ask".
"OK", she says (nervous as hell but slightly excited)
A Jaguar draws up and down slides the window. "How much for full sex love?"
"Hold a minute" she says.
She hobbles round the corner in her red stilettos, basque and handbag.
"This man wants full sex", she whispers to her husband..."how much?"
"Tell him $70", replies hubby.
She hobbles back to the car.."$70 for full sex Mister."
"Good god I can't afford that!. I've only got $30 on me and I don't get paid 'til Friday....what will I get for $30?"
"Hang on a mo.", she says and hobbles back round the corner.
"He's only got $30.. what can I do for that?"
"Oh..a blow job only then", says hubby, "and make it quick."
She totters back. "A blow job only. Jeez", says the Jaguar man..."still I'm desperate...let's get in the back seat."
They get in the back and she undoes his fly..out pops the BIGGEST one she's ever seen...it's huge!
"Oooooh!", she exclaims.."hold on a minute", she says and gets out of the car. She hobbles round the corner and says to her husband, "Couldn't you lend this man $40 until Friday?"
215-
I blame my mother for my poor sex life.
All she told me was,
'The man goes on top and the woman underneath'.
For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.
216-
Best Divorce Letter, Ever!
Dear Connie,
I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe childhood spent ice-skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie?
I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yoghurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her
slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the remote is?
Love,
Dan
217-
Mike and Sue are sweethearts. Mike lives in a small village out in the country and Sue lives in town. One day, they go to see the vicar and set a date for their wedding. Before they leave, the vicar asks them whether they want a contemporary or traditional service. After a short discussion, they opt for the contemporary service.
Their day arrives but the weather is rotten and a storm forces Mike to take an alternate route to the church. The village streets are flooded, so he rolls up his trouser legs to keep his trousers dry. When at last he reaches the church, his best man immediately rushes him up the aisle and up to the altar. As the ceremony starts, the vicar whispers to Mike, "Pull down your trousers."
"Vicar, I've changed my mind," says Mike, "I think I prefer the traditional service."
218-
A bloke’s wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"
The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.
The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share."
And he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"
"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!... you fancy comin' with us?"
219-
There was a wife that was sick and tired of her hubby not giving her any sex and she thought of an idea... She would put on her nightgown on backwards, so it would plunge low in the front, and her hubby would see it and jump on her bones. So that night she put on the gown backward, and pranced in front of her hubby, who was reading the paper.
He looked up and then continued back reading.
Wifey got so pissed and stomped her foot and said, "Don't you see anything different?"
Hubby looked up and said "Yes dear you have you nightgown on backwards".
She said "Wow, how did you know?"
Hubby said "Cause the skid marks are in the front".
220-
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
221-
A man and his wife were talking and he says, "You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest."
"Oh honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!"
"But sweet thing," he says, "the prize is $100!"
"I don't care," she says, "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody."
So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars. "Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not to?"
"Please forgive me, sweetheart," he says.
"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes.
The man looks at her fondly and says, "Only enough to win."
222-
Morty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally quit smoking.
"Imagine that, Morty," she says, "someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don't have."
But Sadie hadn't finished.
"And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking -another example of the kind of will power that you don't have."
"OK, Sadie," said Morty, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman."
Morty keeps to his word.
One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door.
Morty shouts out, "What do you want?"
Sadie replies, "Marvin has started smoking again."
223-
A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his penis, his partner's toes would rise.
Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still.
Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"
"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"
224-
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
225-
"I once made love to my wife for over an hour.
Of course, that was the day we turned the clocks ahead."
226-
A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
227-
"I must insist on knowing one thing," said the groom as he lay beside his bride in the darkness of their honeymoon suite. "Am I the first man to sleep with you?"
"You will be, darling," answered his bride, "if you doze off."
228-
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, “Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.”
“Because,” the man says, ”I live in a two-story house.”
The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?”
The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is ‘I have a headache’ and the other story is ‘It’s that time of the month.’”
229-
A man went to the tattoo parlour and had the words "yes" and "no" tattooed on his penis. When he got home that night, he approached his wife in their bedroom.
He stripped off his pants and shorts, revealing his aroused organ and its new tattoo.
"What do you think, honey?" he asked his wife.
Deliberately she said, "You tell me how to cook, you tell me how to clean the house, you tell me how to do the laundry... and now you're going to put words in my mouth?"
230-
Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body allover with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.
The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours. The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.
They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."
231-
When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs, I paid by cheque as usual.
A couple of weeks later I came home from work to find my wife quite upset. She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry. She had noticed the cancelled cheque, and on the memo line I had written "Escort Service."
232-
A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests,
says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.
He tells her what the doc told him.
She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that! We should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it.".
233-
Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house.. Housework was woman's work!
But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished ---something's up.
It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"
234-
A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door. When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina, the woman slams the door in disbelief
at what a stranger has just asked her.
The same thing happens for three consecutive days and the woman decides to tell her husband.
The husband says to the wife "Tomorrow I am not going to work and when the man asks if you have a vagina say yes and I will be hiding behind the door."
The next day the same man comes again and when the woman opens the door he asks if she has a vagina and the woman says yes; the man then said to the woman, "Good, then please tell your husband to stop fucking my wife."
235-
Leah phones her husband at work, "Issy, do you have time for a chat?"
"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting."
"But this won’t take long," Leah says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."
"I really haven’t the time," says Issy, "so just quickly tell me the good news."
"Oh all right then. The air bag on your new Lexus works very well."
236-
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
237-
It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out.
He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him.
He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on her pussy, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.
They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Walter, the driver, has to ask, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"
Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."
238-
Dear Madge ......
I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing anything that ucnn hlpm wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld
239-
"I got married," said the first tavern regular, "so that I could get laid three or four times a week."
"That's funny," said another patron. "That's why I got divorced."
240-
One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife.
"How lovely, dear," she said, "What's the occasion?"
"I want to make love to you" he said simply.
"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."
The next night, Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her.
"I'm awfully tired, honey" said his wife. "Not tonight."
Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.
"How adorable, Jerry," she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"
"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."
241-
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multi-million dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.
She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the 2nd day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the 3rd day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background
music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar,
into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and hiring a cleaning service to clean the place out. Vents were checked for dead
rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...
Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of
money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be
willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had
been worth... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered
the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to
their new home... ..including the curtain rods.
242-
What have women and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
243-
What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
Marriage.
244-
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
245-
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
246-
An elderly couple, he's 87 and she's 86 just got married and are on their honeymoon.
In the Hotel room, she slips into something sexy, and crawls into bed, and waits for her new groom. He's in he bathroom sprucing himself up.
She waits, and waits 'til she can't wait any longer. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door.
Peering in she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a condom.
She asks "Honey, what are you doing?" and giggles. "I'm 86 years old and can't get pregnant anymore."
He looks up at her and says, "I know, but honey, you know how the dampness effects my arthritis."
247-
Issy goes to see Rabbi Levy.
"Rabbi," he says, "you remember Sarah and I got divorced last year?"
"Yes Issy, I remember."
"Well Rabbi, the thing is, my friends are telling me that Sarah is feeling very sorry she divorced me. They think she wants to get back with me. What do you think I should do?"
"Nothing," said Rabbi Levy, "do absolutely nothing."
"You seem so sure about this, Rabbi. Why?"
"Yes, Issy, I am," replied Rabbi Levy. "You see, wives are very much like fishermen - complaining about the one they caught, and bragging about the one that got away."
248-
Maurice and Becky are arguing over who should brew the coffee each morning.
Becky says, "As you get up first in the morning, Maurice, you should make it. Then we won't have to wait too long for our coffee."
"But you’re in charge of all the cooking," replies Maurice, "that’s your job, so you should make it. And if I have to wait for my coffee in the morning, well, I don't mind."
"But it says in the bible that the man should make the coffee," says Becky
"OK, responds Maurice, "if you can show me where it says that, I’ll never question you again."
Next day, Becky borrows a bible from her neighbour and shows Maurice that on the top of several pages it indeed says ‘Hebrews’.
249-
Sadie’s husband Bernie didn’t come home from work one day. She was a bit worried because she had not received any calls from him to say he’d be late. She rang Bernie’s office, but there was no reply and she rang Bernie’s mobile, but it was switched off. By 9pm, she was very worried. She rang all the people who might have known where he was, but nobody knew. At 10pm, she decided to go to the police station and report him missing.
When she got there, she told the duty officer, "I don’t know what to do. My husband Bernie didn’t come home from work today. I can’t live without him. Please help me."
"OK, madam, " he replied, "calm down. I just need you to answer a few simple questions."
“Ask away, " she replied.
"First of all, can you describe him for me? I need this so we can put out a search for him."
"Well, officer, he’s 52 with brown eyes and dark brown hair – what’s left of it. He’s well built – well that’s not strictly true, he’s quite fat really, and he sweats a lot. He’s also got what I call an aggressively loud voice. He’s got two missing front teeth….he wears thick old fashioned glasses….and he’s…wait a minute officer, I’ve had second thoughts, maybe you shouldn’t bother looking for him."
250-
Benny was talking to his best friend Sam. "Don’t tell anyone, Sam, but mine Sadie once again had a headache last night. "
"Really? " said Sam.
"Yes," replied Benny, "it’s been like this for some weeks now and I’ve been thinking that they must have named a Jewish holiday after my sex life."
"Which one?" Sam asked.
"Passover."
251-
True bravery is arriving home late after a night out with the boys and sneaking in the front door, only to be met by the wife with a broom in her hands and still having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning house or are you flying somewhere?'
252-
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained
bitterly: "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea." Replied the widow: "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
253-
Hetty was enjoying a good game of bridge with her friends when she suddenly shouted out,
"Oy Vay, look at the time. I must get home quickly and fix dinner for mine Moshe. He's always so angry if it's not ready on time."
But when she got home, she quickly realised that she hadn’t done her weekly shopping and all she had in the fridge was a hard-boiled egg, some parsley and a tin of Whiskers cat food. But our Hetty was quite resourceful - she scraped out the cat food onto a plate, added some slices of egg, put parsley around the food, added a dollop of tomato sauce and put the plate on the table, just as Moshe arrived home.
She met him at the front door with a kiss, led him to the table and then watched anxiously as he sat down to eat. To her great relief, Moshe enjoyed her concoction.
"Hetty, this new dish is the best meal you’ve made in a long, long time. Please make it for me regularly."
After that, Hetty made Moshe his ‘special’ every bridge night. And then ….she told her bridge group her secret.
"But my dear Hetty, you can’t let him eat it – apart from not being kosher, it’s likely to kill him in due course," said one. And 6 weeks later, he did indeed die.
When her bridge friends came around to pay their respects, one of them said, "You killed him,
Hetty. We told you he would die if he kept on eating cat food."
But Hetty answered, "For what it’s worth, I definitely did not kill mine Moshe. He fell off the piano while he was licking himself."
254-
Maurice and Estelle were not having a good sex life. After yet another listless love making session, Maurice decided to confront Estelle. "How come you never tell me or indicate when you have an orgasm?"
Estelle looked at Maurice with contempt and replied, "You're never home."
255-
John came home in great excitement and said to his wife,
"Judi, love, you'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking."
"Really," she said , interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back," John replies
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes we can," he says. "I've persuaded another couple to help out!"
256-
Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?"
He says, "No, our house isn't blue."
257-
A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I
would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!"
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...
"Oh really, I can't," he replies, "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.
That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh Tom, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"
258-
I told my wife I feel old, fat, bald, useless, and stupid.
She said, "Don t be silly you're not old."
259-
An old man in his eighties stands up and put on his coat. His wife says: "Where are you going?" He said: "I'm going to the doctors." And she said: "Are you sick?" "No!" he said. I'm going to get some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat. He said: "Where are you going?" She said: "I'm going to the doctors too." He said: Why?" She said: "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get a tetanus shot!"
260-
"Cash, cheque or charge card?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied: "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal, evil thing I could do to him."
261-
Abe is enjoying his 80th birthday party with family and friends. Even Rabbi Landau is present. Abe is so happy that he decides now is the time to let out his secret and to everybody’s surprise, announces his forthcoming marriage to 50-year-old Hetty.
Everyone comes up to wish them Mazeltov - and to exchange all the old jokes
"Abe, where will you both live?"
"We’ll be looking for a house near a school.”
"Abe, did you know that lovemaking is dangerous for the elderly?"
"Yes, but I hope Hetty will survive it."
Later, Rabbi Landau takes Abe aside and says, "Don’t be offended, but I must ask you a few questions. Do you really love Hetty?"
"To tell you the truth, Rabbi, I’m not sure," Abe replies.
"Well, is she a good cook? Is her chicken soup special?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"I’m not sure, I’ve never seen her in the kitchen, Rabbi," Abe replies.
"Is Hetty rich?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"I’m not sure about her finances, we’ve never discussed money," replies Abe.
"So, she must be ….. good in bed. Is that so?" asks Rabbi Landau, timidly.
"I’ve no idea at all Rabbi, how does one tell before marriage?" answers Abe.
"But if you don’t know whether you love her, if you’re not sure whether she’s a good cook, if you don’t know whether she’s rich, and if you’ve never made love to her, why on earth do you want to marry her?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"She can drive at night," replies Abe.
262-
There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out: "Crisco, Crisssssssco!" Soon a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle D." The old gentleman replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff, I am calling my wife." "Your wife's name is Crisco?" The old man answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public." "Well, what do you call her when you are at home?" "Lard ass!"
263-
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes wild. He jumps up on the bars and holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the floaty dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is really funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says ... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell him you've got a bloody headache!"
264-
A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
"Who?"
"This guy named Dave. He always did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros, too. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"Oh, you don't know the half of it. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change one light on the Christmas Tree and I black out the whole
neighbourhood."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, you would too, if you'd married HIS WIDOW.
265-
An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, 20?"
"No, not worth it!"
"How about 10?"
"No, not worth it!"
"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"
"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."
266-
A woman recently lost her husband; had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him: "Stanley, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with your insurance money. Stanley, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought that with your insurance money. Stanley, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought that too, with the insurance money." Still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she added: "Stanley, remember that blow-job I always promised you? Here it comes...!"
267-
A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis. He called in his receptionist to show her.
She took one look and said, "Big deal. That's just like my husband's penis."
"You mean he's got one that long?" asked the surprised mortician.
"No," she replied. "That dead."
268-
A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.
So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.
"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"
"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook." Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?"
"Warming up your supper!" she replies.
269-
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me get a divorce.
The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.
My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
"What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?"
"No," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."
270-
A bloke goes to his doctor and says he has a rash around his genitals. Let me see says the doctor. The bloke drops his pants and the doctor smiles and says,
Haven't you got brown balls? The bloke says That's embarrassing doc., and the doctor says well I'm sorry but they are the brownest balls I have ever seen, but, as regards to the rash, all that is is the washing powder your wife uses. Tell her to rinse your pants out more.
When the bloke gets home his wife asks him what the rash was and he says the doctor says you have to rinse my pants out a lot more than you have been doing. On hearing this his wife screams at him saying, I have to get up in the morning, see to you and the kids, get your breakfast do the washing up, make the beds, do the house work, cook the dinner and now you want me to spend more time rinsing out your pants, well as it is I don't have enough time to wipe my arse.
And that's another thing I want to see you about, says the husband.
271-
Our last fight was my fault.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
272-
"Say," said the smooth operator in a confidential tone to the host of the party, "there's a lot of hot babes at this party. If I find one that's ready to grab a quick one, would you mind if I used your extra bedroom?" "What about your wife?" "Oh, I won't be gone that long. She'll never miss me." "No, I'm sure she won't miss you," smirked the host, "but fifteen minutes ago She borrowed the extra bedroom."
273-
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long.
She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."
274-
Freda comes back from her trip to Brent Cross shopping centre and tells her Moshe that she’s just bought another new designer dress.
"What? You must be joking," Moshe shouts at her. "That’s the third one you’ve bought this week. Where on earth do you think I’m going to find the money to pay for them?"
"I may be many things, darling," Freda replies, "but inquisitive I’m not."
275-
Becky is having lunch with Hannah, the world’s most perfect ‘Princess’.
Becky says, "My Moshe is just impossible. Absolutely nothing pleases him. Tell me, Hannah, is your Hymie hard to please?"
Hannah shrugs and replies, "I wouldn't know. I've never tried."
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