Limericks & Poems
1-
There was a young maid from Darjeeling
Who said she had no sexual feeling
Till a sailor named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped from the ceiling
2-
There was a young lady from Lancs
Who was ace at two-handed wanks
The boys queued all day
And were oft heard to say
"Super, fantastic and thanks."
3-
There was a young maid from Belfast
Who had trouble getting it past
The warts and the scabs
That she got from the lads
Who wiped their tools on her arse.
4-
A fat poxy whore from old Delhi
Was really incredibly smelly
The reason was clear
Her men used to smear
The cum from their tools on her belly.
5-
There was a young maid from Nepal
Who had practically no bush at all
The reason she said
Was on top of her bed
Perched a thatch-eating yellow macaw.
6-
A wealthy young Madam called Rouse
Ran an extremely tolerant house
For ten bob a go
You could let yourself go
And bugger a little pet mouse.
7-
A blushing young bride from Tonypandy
With her quim was incredibly handy
On her wedding night
To her husband's delight
She filled it with three pints of brandy
8-
There was a young lady named Caro
Whose man had a tool like a marrow
Although great in bed
It has to be said
He carried it round in a barrow.
9-
Now little John James was a dork
Who thought he'd been brought by the stork
His Pa wasn't better
He bought a French letter
And tested its strength with a fork.
10-
An old slapper from downtown Port Said
Had a twat incredibly wide
You may think it banal
But the Suez Canal
Was really quite tiny beside.
11-
Two dykes got to speaking one day
About their preferred form of play
One said "Isn't the hunt
For a nice juicy cunt
Far better than your average lay."
12-
A fair maid from Cairo called Nur
Was thought incredibly pure
Till we saw her great stunt
To ram up her cunt
A ton and a half of manure.
13-
A clapped out old queen from Darjeeling
Complained of a distinct lack of feeling
But the old rags he wore
On the tip of his sore
Left his customers quite sick and reeling.
14-
A young man whose name was Tim Lesser
Was an extremely avid cross dresser
But his new bondage gear
Brought an irrational fear
Of coming too quick through the pressure.
15-
There was a young man from Halesowen
Whose tool kept on growing and growing
He said "Oh my dear
The reason is clear
It's all the seed I've been sowing".
16-
A dwarf on vacation in Crete
Said "I am terribly anxious to meet
A young lady of leisure
Who'd allow me to pleasure
The hairs on her twat with my feet."
17-
A shepherd from Cheshire's soft hills
Was always looking for thrills
Till a sheep he molested
Loudly protested
And sent him the veterinary's bills
18-
A whaler captain's daughter named Rose
Had nostrils so big in her nose
That boys after supper
Would stick themselves up her
And cry "There she blows".
19-
A dyke and a queer named Groom
Were planning their honeymoon
Groom said "My dear
It's not very clear
Who should do what to whom".
20-
This is the story of Judith Smiles
Who went out one night on the tiles
But she made a mistake
With a sailor named Drake
Who missed and punctured her piles.
21-
Weathergirl Angela Gore
Said "My dear it's a bore
When a cold weather front
Just blows up my cunt
Making it terribly itchy and sore
22-
A horny young lady named Lil
Fucked a dynamite stick for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.
23-
There once was a man from Brighton
Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one"
She said, "Pardon my soul,
But you're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right one."
24-
Little Jimmy was struggling with a homework assignment his 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Adams, had given her English class.
Jimmy's grandmother realized that the boy was having difficulty when she saw all the scrunched up papers around the kitchen table where he was working.
"Having a problem with your homework, dear?" asked the sweet old lady.
"I am, Grandma", said Jimmy, dropping his pencil dejectedly on the table. "We're supposed to make up a limerick and read it to the class, but whenever I get an idea, I can't make it rhyme."
"Well, dear, when I was a girl, I loved to make up limericks and whisper them to my little girl friends. We used to laugh till our sides ached, but in those days it wasn't considered proper for a young lady to even be reading
limericks, let alone writing them."
Jimmy's little face lit up. "Oh tell me one, Grandma, please" he begged.
"Oh I couldn't", blushed his grandmother. "Your elders are supposed to be prim and proper and set a good example for the young people, especially their grandchildren."
"Just one, please, Grandma, please."
"Well, maybe just one, but I'll have to leave the dirty parts out." She cleared her throat and began:
"There once was a pretty young lass
Who da da da da da da da.
He opened da da da
She said da da da da
I'd love a good fuck up the ass."
25-
There once was a woman who begat
Triplets called Nat, Pat and Tat
They'd been fun in the breeding
But a nightmare for feeding ‘cos she found there was no tit for Tat.
26-
There once was a man from Nantucket,
whose cock was so long he could suck it,
while licking his chin,
he said with a grin,
if my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it.
27-
There once was a man from kanass
Whose nuts were made out of brass
in stormy weather
he'd clack them together
and lightning shot out of his ass
28-
"Mirror Mirror, On the wall,
Who's the sexiest of them all?"
The mirror sighed, and with a grunt
said "Well, it ain't you!, You ugly cunt !"
29-
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
From the love-making frock
(With the proper sized cock)
Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
30-
A well-endowed guy called Apollo,
Remarked as he larked in the hollow,
"Darling, my dong
Is twelve inches long."
Said his girl, "That’s a hard one to swallow."
31-
THE FARTER FROM SPARTA
There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
Nobody could play classics much finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
While from his buttocks:
He played Chopin's Etude 12 in C-minor.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.
His played it all, classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with his gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.
His basso profundo so rare
He rendered with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.
One day he was dared to perform,
The William Tell overture storm.
But naught could dishearten our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in fabulous form.
The selection was tough, I’ll admit,
But this did not dismay him one bit,
Then with ass thrown aloft, he suddenly coughed,
And collapsed in a shower of shit.
His bung hole was flown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter.
With a gravestone of turds, inscribed with the words
"
To the fine art of farting - a martyr"
32-
From the depths of the crypt of St Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles
Said the vicar, “Good gracious,
Has Father Ignatious
Forgotten the bishop has piles?”
33-
"Paula Jones" said Bill Clinton, with affection
"Oh, please, won't you lick my erection?"
But Paula, so silly
misunderstood Willy
And thought he said, "Wreck my election!"
34-
I'd rather have fingers than toes,
I'd rather have ears than a nose,
And a happy erection
Brought just to perfection
Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
35-
My dearest duck and darling chicken
I read your letter while i was shittin
The ground was hard and wet the grass
So I used your letter to wipe my ass
36-
ESKIMO NELL - A TALE OF THE FROZEN NORTH
When men grow old and their ball turn cold
And the tip of their pricks turn blue
They look back on their life of trouble and strife
And tell you a tale or two
So buy a drink, and I'll try to think
Of a tale that I can tell
Of Dead Eye Dick and his mighty prick
And a harlot named Eskimo Nell
When Dead Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Go out in search of fun
It's Dead Eye Dick who swings his prick
And Mexican Pete his gun
Now Dead Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Had been working Dead Man's Creek
They'd had no luck in the way of a fuck
For well nigh over a week
Save a Moose or two and a Caribou
A Bison, a Cow or so
And Dead Eye Dick with his mighty prick
Had found this fucking slow
So Dead Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Set out for the Rio Grande
Dead Eye Dick with a raving stand
And Pete with his gun in his hand
And as they blazed their randy trail
No man their way withstood
But many a bride, once Hubby's pride
Knew pregnant motherhood
They reached the shore of the Rio Grande
At the height of the blazing noon
To slake their thirst and do their worst
They sought Black Mike's Saloon
And as they crashed through the swinging doors
Both gun and prick flashed free
"According to sex, you bleeding wrecks
You'll fuck or you'll drink with me"
They knew the tricks of Dead Eye Dick's
From Cape Horn to Panama
So with nothing worse than a muttered curse
Those Dagoes sought the bar
But the women knew his playful ways
Down in the Rio Grande
So forty whores took down their drawers
At Dead Eye Dick's command
They saw the finger of Mexican Pete
Slip to his pistol's grip
None dared wait and at a fearful rate
Those whores began to strip
And Dead Eye Dick was breathing quick
With lecherous snorts and grunts
As forty arses came to light
Along with forty cunts
Forty arses and forty cunts
You'll see if you use your wits
And if you're slick at arithmetic
You'll find means eighty tits
Now four score tits is a thrilling sight
For a man with a mighty stand
A sight that's rare on Berkley Square
But not on the Rio Grande
Now Dead Eye Dick had oiled his prick
Upon the previous night
And this he'd done to have some fun
And whet his appetite
His phallic limb was in fighting trim
So backing he took a run
He made a jump for the nearest cunt
And scored a hole-in-one
He bore that whore to the sandy floor
And fairly fucked her fine
And though she grinned she put the wind
Up the other thirty-nine
Whenever Dick performs that trick
He has no time to spare
With speed and strength combined with length
He hardly ruffles his hair
Now Dead Eye Dick, he fucks them quick
So he threw the first aside
And he made a dart at the second tart
When the swing doors opened wide
And into that horrible hall of sin
Into that harlot's Hell
There strode a maid who's never afraid
And her name was Eskimo Nell
Now Dead Eye Dick had got his prick
Well into number two
When Eskimo Nell let out a yell
And shouted "Dick, Hey you"!
He gave a flick of his mighty prick
And the whore flew over his head
He turned about and with a mighty shout
His face and brow turning red
But Eskimo Nell she took it well
And looked him between the eyes
She glanced at his horn with utter scorn
As it rose from his hairy thighs
She puffed a jet from her cigarette
Right at his steaming knob
But Mexican Pete was so utterly beat
That he failed to do his job
Eskimo Nell then broke the spell
In accents clear and cool
"You cunt-struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp
Do you call that thing a tool?"
"If this whole town can't take that down"
She sneered at the cowering whores
"There's one little cunt that will beat the runt
And it's Eskimo Nell's not yours"
She stripped her garments one by one
Smiling with conscious pride
Till there she stood in her womanhood
And they saw the great divide
He laid her down on the tabletop
Where someone had left a glass
As he wriggled her tits she smashed it to bits
Between the cheeks of her arse
With subtle ease she bent her knees
And spread them wide apart
And with a gentle nod to the waiting sod
She gave him the cue to start
But Dead Eye Dick knew many a trick
And proceeded to take his time
A wench like this was a fucking bliss
So he played a pantomime
He flicked his foreskin up and down
And made his balls inflate
Until they looked like granite knobs
Upon a garden gate
He winked his arsehole in and out
And his balls increased in size
His mighty prick grew twice as thick
And nearly reached his eyes
He polished the top with alcohol
To make it steaming hot
And to finish the job he sprinkled his knob
With the cayenne pepper pot
He didn't back up or take a run
Nor take a flying leap
He didn't stoop but with a swoop
And a steady forward creep
He took sight with piercing light
Along his flaming tool
And the dead slow way he shoved it in
Was calculating cool
Have you ever seen the pistons work?
On a giant C.P.R.
With a driving force of a thousand horse
Then you know what pistons are
Or maybe you think you do
But you have to know the trick
Of the work that's done on a non-stop run
By a man like Dead Eye Dick
But Eskimo Nell was an infidel
She equaled a whole harem
With the strength of ten in her abdomen
And the rock of ages abeam
Amidships she could stand a sea
Like the flush of a water closet
And she gripped his cock like a Chalwood lock
On the National Safe Deposit
But Dead Eye Dick would not come quick
He meant to preserve his power
To make her feel his red hot steel
Rammed home for many an hour
So he lay for a while with a subtle smile
While the grip of her cunt grew keener
Till with a flick of her thigh she sucked him dry
With the ease of a vacuum cleaner
She performed this feat in a way so neat
That she set at great defiance
The primary clause of the basic laws
That governs sexual science
She simply rode through the phallic code
Which for ages stood the test
The erotic rules of the classic schools
Each blinking one went West
And now dear friend I'm near the end
Of this copulative epic
The effect on Dick was sudden and quick
Akin to an anesthetic
He hit the floor and knew no more
His lust extinct and dead
His knob came out but he didn't shout
Even though it must have stripped the thread
Then Mexican Pete leapt to his feet
To avenge his pal's affront
With a savage jolt he shoved his colt
Right up her steaming cunt
He felt it slip up to the pistol grip
And he fired twice times three
But to his surprise she closed her eyes
And wriggled in ecstacy
Her smile was sweet as she found her feet
"Bully" she said "for you"
I might have guessed that was the best
Two shrimps like you could do
Next time my friend that you intend
To sally forth for fun
Give Dead Eye Dick a sugar stick
And buy yourself a bun
I'm going back to the frozen North
Where pricks are hard and strong
Back to the land of the mighty stand
Where the nights are six months long
Back to the land where they understand
What it means to copulate
Where the frozen dead sleep two in a bed
And even infants masturbate
Where you get it in as hard as tin
And spunk is really spunk
Not a trickling stream like lukewarm steam
But a frozen solid chunk
So Eskimo Nell said farewell
To Black Mike and the forty whores
And jumped on her horse not forgetting of course
To re-arrange her drawers
And as she rode through the silent night
On towards the dawn
The Northern Lights saw some wonderful sights
And even the moon had a horn
Now this horse of Nell's was under her spells
And he felt primeval amour
And he soon had a stand that she felt with her hand
And it tickled her fancy, The whore
So she got off her steed and quickly peed
Then slipped from her underwear
Laid the horse close down to her on the ground
And they made the perfect pair
Soon in intercourse she was locked with the horse
Buggery as you can see
But Eskimo Nell knew very well
Here was the ultimate ecstasy
Now Eskimo Nell has settled down well
And fucks twice a week or more often
And to keep in practice she'll fuck a cactus
To ensure her cunt doesn't soften
She's had lots of shag from her faithful nag
It's thrilled her and filled her with spunk
And so great was the spell that she's had it as well
From an elephant, both prick and trunk
37-
An accountant from Trinity Hall
Had a most mathematical ball
The square of its weight
Plus his prick minus eight
Equalled four times root cubed of fuck all!
38-
A girl who hiked o'er the land
Once showed me a trick with her hand.
She zipped down her pants,
Adjusted her stance,
And peed out my name in the sand!
39-
The naughty old bishop of Birmingham
buggered two boys whilst confirming 'em
as they knelt before god
he pulled out his rod
and pumped his Episcopal sperm in 'em
40-
There once was this bum fucking faggot!
He'd see anything male, and he'd shag it!
One day he fucked the wrong ass
Now he's pushing up grass
And his only mate is a maggot!
41-
We lay upon the grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly undid her suspender belt
Her leg fell in the river
42-
Old MacDonald had a farm
But we beat him to death.
And took it over.
(Zimbabwe Nursery Rhyme)
43-
There was a young girl from Uttoxeter
And the boys used to all flash their cocks at 'er
'Till one night she got hot
And poxed up the lot
So now they just throw bricks & rocks at 'er!
44-
A gravestone in an old western cemetery reads:
Here lies the bones of a screwy prick,
a man blessed at birth with a corkscrew dick.
He spent his life in a futile hunt,
to find that girl with the corkscrew cunt.
When he found her he soon fell dead,
the son-of-a-bitch had a left-hand thread
45-
There was a young girl from Carshalton
Who had a long tit and a short 'un
To make up for that
She had a big twat
And could fart like a 650 Norton!
46-
My wife just left, and the well went dry.
My horse is sick and about to die.
Then my still blew up and the barn burned down,
And the road washed out on the way to town.
Then my dog got rabies and bit the cat,
And they both died soon after that.
Now I lost my specs, and my pipe-stem broke,
So I can't even sit and read and smoke.
A tree fell on the chicken shed,
And most of the hens got smashed plumb dead.
Then a chimney fire took half of a wall,
And this old shack is about to fall.
Then I caught my heel on an old dead vine,
And sat smack dab on a porcupine.
Then a beaver dam broke and my bridge washed out,
And my watch stopped working and I've got the gout.
And the bank foreclosed, so I've lost my place,
And my cow disappeared without a trace.
They cut off my credit at the grocery store,
And I lost my job and a whole lot more.
I must have been hexed by a triple curse,
As things keep going from bad to worse.
And now fate has hit me a last dirty crack,
To top off the worst ... my wife's coming back!
47-
Hi, The sky is blue
The grass is green
The harder I fuck
The louder you scream.
The louder you scream
The better I fuck
So give me a yell
And you might be in luck
48-
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, smart and with,
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
Using a hammer and chissel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
With a piece of red velvet, he lines it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
With a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman nasty as hell,
He threw in a fish, and gave it a smell.
Next came a preacher whose name was McGee,
Touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last came a biker, dirty little runt,
Sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt.
49-
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!
50-
‘Twas on the China Station
We received our greatest ovation
When we sunk a junk
In a sea of spunk
By mutual masturbation
51-
There was a young fellow from Buckingham
Who stood on the bridge at Uppingham
Watching the stunts of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the dicks
That were fucking them
52-
There was a young man from Madras
Who lay in the grass with a lass
He played oh so cool
Till she tickled his tool
And it foamed like a bottle of Bass
53-
She looked so fair, in the midnight air,
With the wind blowing up her nightie...
Her tits hung loose, like the balls of a moose,
Jesus Christ Almighty...
The nipples on her tits were as big as my thumb,
The wiggle of her ass could make a dead man come,
She sucks like a vacuum, and she's real fucking dumb,
She's the girl for me.
54-
There once was a guy from El
Doot,
Who found seven huge warts on his root,
He put acid on these,
And now, when he pees,
He's got to finger the thing like a flute.
55-
There once was a fellow named Dave
Who dug up a whore from her grave
She was mouldy as shit
and missing a tit
But think of the money he saved
56-
Roses are red,
Lemons are sour,
Please spread your legs,
And give me an hour
57-
There was a young man from Mauritius,
Who said 'That fuck was delicious'
But the next time I cum,
It will be up your bum,
Coz that scab on your cunt looks suspicious!!
58-
There was an old girl from Kilkenny,
Whose usual charge was a penny.
But for half of that sum
You could roger her bum
A source of amusement for many.
59-
There was a young lady from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."
60-
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
but now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
61-
There once was a girl from Lahore
Who’d lie on a rug on the floor.
In a manner uncanny,
she’d wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls to the core.
62-
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
From the love-making frock
(With the proper sized cock)
Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
63-
There was a young man from Cape Horn
who wished he had never been born
He wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn!
64-
There once was a barmaid named Gale
On whose breasts was the menu for ale
But since she was kind
For the sake of the blind
On her ass it was printed in Braille
65-
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he then built some chicks
Out of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.
66-
Young Senator Kennedy from Mass
Wanted a new piece of ass
First he lucked up and found it
Then he fucked up and drowned it
And now his whole future is past
67-
There once was a woman from Arden
Who was sucking a man in her garden
Her mother said, "Flo,
Where does it all go??
And she answered, (gulp) "I Beg your pardon?
68-
That's amoré ...
When the moon hits your eye,
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amoré.
When an eel bites your hand,
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange,
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw,
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife,
Becomes stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight,
Uses his sword in a fight,
That's Samurai.
When your sheep go to graze,
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?
When your boat comes home fine,
And you tie up her line,
That's a moor, eh?
When you ace your last tests,
Like you did all the rest,
That's some more "A"s!
When on Mt. Cook you see,
An aborigine,
That's a Maori.
Alley Oop's homeland has,
A space gun with pizzazz,
That's a Moo ray...
A comedian ham,
With the name Amsterdam,
That's a Morey.
When your chocolate graham,
Is with marshmallows crammed,
That s'more, eh.
When there's a great ugly fish,
Right on your dish,
That's John Dory
When you've had quite enough,
Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
That's "No more!", eh?
69-
Redneck Rhyme
Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
then that also made him brother
to the widow's grown-up daughter,
who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
she is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
it simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.
70-
A Dirty Old Man from Dundee
Once ravished an ape in a tree
The result was most horrid
All arse and no forehead
Three balls and a purple goatee.
71-
A masculine girl from Khartoum
Took a ladylike boy to her room
They spent the whole night in a helluva fight
as to who should do what to whom.
72-
My dick is big, her arse is tight
I poked her anus with delight
but halfway there I hit a bump
the bitch forgot to take a dump
73-
A mathematician named Paul
had a hexahedronical ball
and the square of it's weight
times his pecker, plus eight
is his phone number, give him a call
74-
There was a young actress from Crewe,
Who remarked as the vicar withdrew,
The Bishop was quicker
and thicker and slicker,
and two inches longer than you.
75-
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jump over the candlestick.
Stupid boy should've jumped higher.
Goodness gracious! Great balls of fire!
76-
There was a man from Ladrass
Whose balls were made of brass
In stormy weather they'd clank together
And sparks shot out of his arse
77-
There was an old man from Blomblosham
Who took out his balls to wash 'em
"Now Jack" said his wife "if you don't put 'em back"
"I'll sit on your knackers and squash 'em."
78-
There was a young fellow whose name was Dick
Who had, poor chap, a corkscrew prick
He spent his time in a lifelong hunt
To find a girl with a spiral cunt
He finished his search in far Glamorgan
Where he found a girl with such an organ
But his wedding night was one of dread
Because he found the bitch had a left hand thread
79-
ROSES ARE STRAIGHT
VIOLETS ARE TWISTED
BEND OVER LOVE
YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET FISTED
ROSES ARE CRAP
VIOLETS ARE WANKY
OOOH I'VE JUST COME
PASS ME A HANKY
ROSES ARE STUPID
VIOLETS ARE SILLY
GREASE UP YOUR FLAPS
CAUSE HERE COMES MY WILLY
ROSES MAKE ME LAUGH
VIOLETS MAKE ME TITTER
YOU DIRTY BITCH
YOU LOVE IT UP THE SHI....
ROSES ARE RED
BUT I LIKE CARNATIONS
YOUR CRAP IN BED
SO I HAD YOUR ALSATIAN
80-
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic and so am I
81-
ODE TO IMPOTENCE
My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my waterspout
Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full time job
To find the blasted thing
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand up and watch me shave
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes
82-
Evil Love Poems
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss.
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace.
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe "go to hell".
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
83-
To Heather, Love Paul
She Stood On The Bridge At Midnight
Her Lips Were All A Quiver
She Gave A Cough
Her Leg Fell Off
And Floated Down The River
84-
There once was an old hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead slut in his cave
You must admit
She smelled like shit
But think of all the money he saved.
85-
There once was a woman with a hot bod
Who believed firmly in God
But it wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie
It was Rodger the lodger
By God.
86-
There once was a queen from Bulgaria
Her minge had grown hairier and hairier
A man from Peru came up for a screw
And had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
87-
There was a young lady named May,
Took a stroll in the park by the bay.
She met a young man,
Who screwed her and ran.
Now she goes to the park everyday.
88-
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
89-
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU WILL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I WOULD JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE IS TROUBLE STILL".
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
90-
There once was a nun from Siberia
Who was born with a virgin interior
Until a young monk
Jumped into her bunk
And now she's a mother superior!
91-
BUYING A BRA
I ain't much for shopping,
Nor even goin' into town -
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't easily found.
But the day came when I had to go
And I left the kids with Ma.
But before I left she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"
Without thinkin' I said "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
I bent down and kissed her
And said, "I'll be back by three"
Well, when I done the things I needed,
I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing,
I was working up a sweat.
I crossed the street to the ladies' shop
With my hat pulled over my eyes,
I wasn't takin' any chances
On bein' recognized.
I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told the lady right straight out,
"Ma'am, I'm here to buy a bra."
From behind I heard some snickers ,
So I turned around to see
At least fifteen women in the store
And they's all gawkin' at me!
"What kind would you be looking for?"
"Well," I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before
"Thought bras was bras," I said.
She gives me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Come with me," I heard her say,
And like a dog, I tagged along.
She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
Well, I thought my jaw'd hit the floor
When I seen that lingerie.
They had all these different styles
That I'd not seen before
I thought that I'd go crazy
'fore I left that women's store.
They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.
They had bras that made you feel
Like you weren't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small .
Well, I finally make my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady,
"Bag it up," And figured I was done
But then she asked me for the size.
I didn't hesitate.
I knew them measurements by heart,
" A six-and-seven-eighths."
"Six and seven eighths, well sir,
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! Yeah, I'm positive,
I just measured them last night."
I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.
"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.
By now a crowd had gathered
And they's all crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.
When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."
My wife heard the whole story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who'd called her on the phone.
She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For no more women's underwear.
92-
A new spin on some nursery rhymes:-
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
So Jack could lick Jill's fanny.
Poor Jack's gob
Was filled with knob
'Cos Jill's a fucking tranny.
Mary, Mary, quite contrary.
How does your garden grow?
"Listen, you prat.
I live in a flat.
How the fuck should I know?"
The grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men.
And when he had the energy,
He had them all again.
Alternatively:
The grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men.
And his case comes up next week....
Little Miss Druggy,
Sat in her buggy,
Smoking an ounce of weed.
Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her
And sold her a pound of speed.
Simple Simon
Met a pieman
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon
To the pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman
Unto Simon,
"Pies, you fuckwit!"
93-
His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."
94-
There was a young farmer from Delhi
Whose thing reduced lovers to Jelhi
He had them in bed, in the barn and the shed,
but alone he just came on his Belhi
95-
There once was a whore from Peru
Who filled her pussy with glue
She said with a grin
If they'll pay to get in
Then they'll pay to get out of me too!
96-
There once was a Lady from Madras,
who had a magnificent ass
it was not round, rosy
and pink as you think
But had long ears and ate grass.
97-
There was a young athlete named Grimmon
Who developed a new way of swimmin':
By a marvellous trick
He would row with his prick,
Which attracted loud cheers from the women.
98-
Sing to the tune of Winter Wonderland............
Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask -- her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the store -- there's a teddy,
Little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
99-
There once was a man named Mort
Whose dick was incredibly short
When he climbed into bed
His lady friend said
"That's not a dick it's a wart"
100-
Sony's new error messages in Haiku form
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
Wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent and reboot.
Order shall return.
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers
may enter this system.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen
dies so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
the Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao,
until You bring fresh toner
The Web site you seek
cannot be located
but endless others exist
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge.
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?
Out of memory
We wish to hold the whole sky,
but we never will
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind.
Both are blank.
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
And a postscript from Roger McGough.........
writing a poem
in seventeen syllables
is very diffic
101-
There once was a farmer from Hay
Whose hens all refused to lay.
The trouble was Brewster,
The champion rooster,
Because Brewster, the rooster, was gay.
102-
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!
103-
The breasts of a barmaid of Crale
Were tattooed with the price of brown ale
And on her behind for the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille.
104-
There was a young lady named Rose
Who'd occasionally straddle a hose,
And parade about squirting
And spouting and spurting,
Pretending she pissed like her beaux
She was seen by her cousin named Anne,
Who improved the original plan.
She said, "My dear Rose,
In this lowly old hose
Are all the best parts of a man."
So, avoiding the crude and sadistic,
She frigged in a manner artistic:
At the height of her pleasure
She turned up the pressure,
And cried, "Ain't it grand and realistic!"
They soon told the Duchess of Fyfe,
And her crony, the alderman's wife;
And they found it so pleasing,
And tickling and teasing
That they washed men right out of their life.
It was tried by the great Mrs. Biddle,
And she said to her husband, "Go fiddle!
Here's double the fun,
And you get three in one---
A ducking, a douche and a diddle."
It was tried by the dancer, Di Basle,
Whose cunt was just made for a nozzle.
She said, "I admit
It's an elegant fit,
But of course it won't do for the arse 'ole."
It was tried by the Duchess of Porter,
And passed on by her to her daughter,
Who said, "With a leman
You're fearful of semen,
But a fuck's as effective with water."
Thus writes Lady Vanderbilt-Horsett,
Who invented the Lonely-Maid's Corset:
"I thought all vicarious
Fucking precarious.
I was wrong. It's a whiz. I endorse it."
Soon in Paris, on the Boulevard Salique,
Yous should purchase (complet avec talic,
Pour soixante francs cinq)
A short hose and a tank,
And they call it Le Fuckeur Hydraulique.
105-
There once was a queen from Bulgaria
whose bush grew hairier and hairier
a prince from Peru came up for a screw
and had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
106-
Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass,
and grabbed her ass;
And now his two front teeth are missing.
107-
There once was a man named McSweeny ,
who spilled some gin on his weenie.
Well, just to be couth,
he added vermouth.
And slipped his girl a martini.
108-
There was a mathematician named Hall
who had an octagonal ball
the cube of its weight
plus his penis times eight
was twice the square root of fuck all!
109-
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut 'cross her vagina.
From the love-making frock,
(with the proper sized cock,)
Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
110-
There was a young lady at sea
Who said "Gosh, how it hurts me to pee."
"I see," said the mate,
"That accounts for the state
Of the Captain, the purser, and me."
111-
There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
Nobody could play the classics finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
while played from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.
His repertoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.
His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.
One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.
It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.
His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."
112-
There was a young vampire called Mabel
Who’s periods were very unstable
And every full moon
She took a big spoon
And drank herself under the table
113-
There was a young couple named Kelly
Who had to live belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly
114-
There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose prong was so long that it bent
So to save himself trouble
He put in a double
And instead of coming He went
115-
A lisping young lady named Beth
Was saved from a fate worse than death
Seven times in a row
It unsettled her so
that she quit saying no and said Yeth
116-
There was a young farmer from Nant
Whose conduct was gay and gallant
For he lay all his dozens
Of nieces and cousins
In addition of course to his aunt
117-
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
And the cat died of electric shock.
118-
There was a young man from Mauritius,
Who said his last fuck was delicious,
But the next time I come,
It'll be up your bum,
'Cause that scab on your cunt looks suspicious.
119-
There once was a man named Hyatt,
Who's sexual habits were a riot,
From horses to hens,
To mices and mens,
If it had a hole, he would try it.
120-
I chase all the girls when I'm spunky
A five day a week sexual junky
I tend not to stray
On Tues- or Wednesday
On those nights I spank my own monkey.
121-
There once was a lady from Hyde,
Who ate a green apple and died,
While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented,
and made cider inside her inside.
122-
There was a young lady of Dexter
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
For whenever they'd start
He'd unfailingly fart
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
123-
These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:
~Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, but I only slept with you, because I was pissed
~I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother
~Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty And so is your head.
~Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face
~Kind, intelligent, loving and hot This describes everything you are not
~I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face
~I love your smile, your face, and your eyes- Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
~My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life
~I see your face when I am dreaming That's why I always wake up screaming
~My love you take my breath away What have you stepped in to smell this way?
~My feelings for you no words can tell Except for maybe "go to hell"
~What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime
124-
Beneath these rocks, lies Mary Cox,
To a thousand men she gave the pox,
She may be gone but not forgotten,
Her heart was good, but her box was rotten.
125-
There was a young maid from France,
Who boarded a train in a trance,
Everyone fucked her, except the conductor,
And he came twice in his pants.
126-
Mary had a little skirt
Split right up the sides,
And every time she wore that skirt
The boys could see her thighs.
She also had another skirt
Split right up the front
But she never wore that one.
127-
With increasingly throbbing delight
Your caresses will set me alight;
And I'll soon reach the peak,
That I eagerly seek...
Then I'll snore for the rest of the night.
128-
There once was a man from Hong Kong
Whose pecker was seven feet long
He said with a smile
"Let me strum it a while
While my wife entertains with a song"
129-
Kentucky Love Poem
Susie Lee done fell in love; She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Susie gal, You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know, But Joe is yo' half brother"
So Susie put aside her Joe And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this, He said, "There's trouble still...
You can't marry Will, my gal., And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo' I know is yo' half brother"
But Mama knew and said, "My child, Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe. You ain't no kin to Pappy
130-
Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village smith he sat,
Amusing himself
By abusing himself
And catching the load in his hat.
131-
There was a young lady named Gloria,
Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
She replied to the chap,
"I will draw you a map
Of where others have been before ya."
132-
A mortician who practiced in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife
How could I know Judge
She was cold; would not budge
Just the same as she acted in life
133-
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd 'just take a chance'.
She let herself go
For an hour or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts!
134-
There once was a man from Australia,
Who had extra-large genitalia.
He said to his bride,
"Don't try to hide,
Cause wherever ya go I can nail ya."
135-
There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.
136-
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
137-
Aussie Love Poem
Of course I love ya darling. You're a bloody top notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word
So your ass is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready
there's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care. So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms around there
No women who is your age has nice round perky breasts. They just gave into gravity
but I know ya did your best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think it's very sexy that you've got dimples on your thighs
I swear on gramma's grave now the moment that we met I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get
No matter what you look like I'll always love ya dear. Now shut up while the game is on. And get me another beer....
138-
Redneck's Valentine's Day Poem that'll touch your heart-
Roses are red, or are they blue? Hell I don't know but i do like you.
I love you more than my truck's tires. Yer more useful than my old rusty pliers.
You cook a good deer and fry a good egg, just wish you'd shave that hair off your legs.
If you decide not to do it, Pumkin Face, It's okay, I'll still feel the same, I'll just keep on tellin my buddies, yer up fer a part in Planet of the Apes.
Yer my pride and joys, What a lady! But hows come we do it only when it's my payday?
When I ran over ya with my truck, you didn't even say "ouch." And you are so cute, when you wipe your boogers under the couch.
I hope we stay together, at least a couple more days- cuz i'm really horney and I want to get laid.
139-
Mafia Valentine's Day Greetings
My love for you... it came and went. So your feet are now in wet cement.
I'm here to fulfil your fondest wishes Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
Lie down with me It's my final offa, Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
I picked up this card from a slim selection, But that's all they offer in witness protection.
140-
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl "your a tight 'un
She replied, "'pon my soul
You're in the wrong hole
Cause there’s plenty of room in the right one
141-
A worried young man from Stamboul
Discover red spots on his tool.
Said the Doctor, a cynic
"Get out of my clinic
And wipe off the lipstick you fool!"
142-
I once had a ladyfriend, Rose,
Double-jointed she was I suppose.
And I watched fascinated,
As Rose masturbated;
Herself with the tip of her nose.
143-
Breathed a tender young man from Australia,
My darling, please let me unveilia.
And then, of, my own,
If you'll kindly lie prone;
I'll endeavour, my sweet, to impalia.
144-
There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
Who insisted on a dozen a night.
A fellow named Cheddar
Had the brashness to wed her
And his chance of survival is slight
145-
There was a young lady named Nelly,
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly!
146-
There was a young girl named O'Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
She got roars of applause
When she kicked off her drawers,
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
147-
A shiftless young fellow from Kent
Had his wife screw the landlord for rent
But as they grew older
The landlord grew colder
And now they live in a tent
148-
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
149-
More Valentine Poems
We've a date tonight, oh, Valentine!
I hope I can stay calm!
'Cause recently, I've only dated
the lovely Mrs. Palm.
***
I'd like to play a game with you --
I'm thinking Naked Twister.
I'll bring the board and lots of wine.
Could you please bring your sister?
***
I promise to be good to you,
and never treat you wrongly.
(Besides, I'll make you scream in bed --
I'm hung quite like a donkey!)
***
Your assets are delightful.
Your beauty's not debatable.
But what I like about you best,
is that you're not inflatable.
***
Your skin's like satin to the touch.
Your visage is divine.
I long for your embrace so much.
(This crap works every time!)
***
Roses are reddish, and painfully thorny.
With your S&M fetish they'll make you quite horny.
***
My silk sheets are cool, My lava lamp's hot,
If you'll give me ten minutes, I'll take the wet spot.
150-
An unfortunate groom was Walter,
Left standing alone at the altar.
The source of the rift
His pre-nuptial gift:
A bridle and bit and a halter.
151-
Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed,
Little Bo Peep was giving him head,
As soon as he came she started to weep,
She knew by the taste he'd been fucking her sheep.
152-
Mary had a little lamb
she kept it in her back yard
when she took her panties off
his woolly dick got hard
153-
There was a young lady named Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin
But when she was tight
It seemed quite alright
So everyone plied her with gin
154-
There was a young man from Montrose
Who could diddle himself with his toes.
He did it so neat He fell in love with his feet,
And christened them Myrtle and Rose.
155-
There was a young pessimist, Grotten
Who wished he had never been begotten.
Nor would he have been
But the rubber was thin
And right at the tip it was rotten
156-
There was a young fellow from Yale
Whose face was exceedingly pale.
He spent his vacation
In self-masturbation
Because of the high price of tail
157-
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm using my hand,
But I'm thinking of you.
158-
Way out west where women are good and pussy is best, there lived a school marm named
Lou.. Lou killed 42 men with that terrible screw, she fucked'em shallow and she fucked'em deep, she layed her victims in a mighty heap.
But over the hill and across the creek, lived a blue balled bastard named PISS POT PETE. He had snot on his whiskers and shit on his feet, and twenty two pounds of hanging meat.
When Lou heard of Pete's mighty tool, she challenged him to a FUCKING DUEL. The duel was held on Bare-ass hill, twenty-two rounds to a fucking still.
Finally, Lou died with a sigh and a cough, and there sits Pete, JERKING OFF!!!
159-
The dogs all had a meeting,
they came from near and far.
Some of them came by aeroplane
and some of them came by car.
Before they were allowed to enter
or even take a look,
each one had to hang their asshole
in the hallway on a hook.
Then came in the bitch dog
and then came in the sire
and then came in the son of a bitch
that loudly hollered FIRE!
The doggies got excited
and never took a look
but each one grabbed an asshole
in the hallway from the hook.
That's why you'll often see today,
- a dog leave the choicest bone,
to go and smell an asshole,
-he's looking for his own.
160-
Roses are... (WITH THORNS!!!)
Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
Lift up your shirt
And show us your tits
Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over love
You're about to get fisted
Roses are crap
Violets are wanky
Oooh I've just come
Pass me a hanky
Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
Cos here comes my willy
Roses make me laugh
Violets make me bitter
You're a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter
Roses are red
But I like Carnations
You're so crap in bed
That I fucked your alsation
Roses are red
Violets are finer
Chickens are fowl
Just like your vagina
Roses are red
It's elementary
Let's ring up a friend
And try double entry
Roses are shit
Violets are crap
Show me your clit
And I'll come in your lap
Roses are red
Skidmarks are brown
Give us a blow job
And swallow it down
Roses are groovy
Violets are funky
I'm thinking of you
And spanking my monkey
161-
There was a young girl from Wick
Who said "mother what is a dick" ?
She said "my dear Annie"
It goes in your fanny
& jumps up and down till it's sick
162-
The breasts of a barmaid of Crale,
Were tattooed with the price of brown ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in braille
163-
A young Catholic layman named Fox
Makes his living by sucking off cocks.
In fits of depression,
He goes to confession,
And jacks off the priest in the box.
164-
Did you hear about poor Henry Lockett
who was blown down the street by a rocket.
The force of the boom
blew his balls 'cross the room
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
165-
The nipples of Sarah Sarong
When excited are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong
166-
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon!
167-
A lady while dining at
Crewe
Found an Elephant's whang in her stew
Said the waiter, "Don't Shout
And don't wave it about
Or the others will all want one too."
168-
There was a young fellow named
Fife
Whose marriage ruined his life
For he had an aversion
To every perversion
And only liked screwing his wife
169-
There was a young man named Keith,
Who liked to be fondled beneath,
When she'd start with her lips,
Mmmmm, he'd wiggle his hips...
But not when the bitch used her teeth!
170-
There was old guy named Lee,
Who was stung in the balls by a bee,
He made oodles of money,
By oozing pure honey,
Every time he attempted to pee.
171-
It seemed all was well for old Bill
For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating
But alas--she was not on the pill.
172-
"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"
173-
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
but Little Boy Blue and his horn.
174-
Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead."
175-
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said, "Fuck him, he's only an egg."
176-
Georgie Porgy pudding 'n pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
he kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.
177-
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
and now, there's little Frankie.
178-
There was a young lady from Exeter
So pretty the men strained their necks at her
But one was so brave
To pull out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
179-
There once was a woman named Nancy,
Who waltzed with a man they called Clancey.
Soon after the dance,
He pulled down her silk pants,
Proceeding to tickle her fancy.
180-
A horny young woman named Kate,
Had hoped for a really hot date.
But despite lots of kissing,
His erection was missing;
So next time she'll just masturbate.
181-
There was a young lady from Exeter
So pretty the men strained their necks at her
But one was so brave
To pull out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
182-
There once was a woman named Nancy,
Who waltzed with a man they called Clancy.
Soon after the dance,
He pulled down her silk pants,
Proceeding to tickle her fancy.
183-
There once were three women from Birmingham
And this is the story concerning them.
They lifted the frock
and tickled the cock
of the Bishop while he was confirming them.
Now the Bishop was nobody's fool
(He'd gone to a good public school)
So he pulled down their britches
and buggered those bitches
with his ten inch Episcopal tool.
When he'd filled up the last one with goo
She said, as the Bishop withdrew
The Vicar is thicker
and quicker and slicker
and longer and stronger than you.
184-
She demanded I gave her affection
Then opened her thighs for inspection;
I found her quite nice
'Til I noticed the lice
And immediately lost my erection.
185-
Roses are red,
Pickles are green
I love your legs and what’s in between
186-
There was a young lady named Hall,
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
187-
There once was a family named Stein.
There was Gert, there was Ep there was Ein.
Gert's poems were bunk.
Ep's statues were junk,
And no one could understand Ein.
188-
There was a young man from Rangoon,
Whose farts could be heard to the moon.
When you'd least expect 'em,
They'd burst from his rectum
With the force of a raging typhoon.
189-
I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.
But the day came when I hadda go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"
So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three."
Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
It worked me up a sweat.
I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.
I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."
From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!
"What kind would you be looking for?
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.
She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.
She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie!
They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'Fore I left that women's store.
They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.
They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.
Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.
But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."
"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!"
I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.
"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.
By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.
When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."
My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.
She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear...
190-
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went
The lamb was sure to go
She got so fed up with the little fucker following her
That she killed the cunt
Barbequed it, and ate the little bastard.
191-
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
192-
There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Said the lady, "Stop plumbing! I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."
193-
There was a young man from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her,
When they got into bed
He cried, God strike me dead!
This ain't a puss - its a corridor!"
194-
There was a young athlete named Grimmon
Who developed a new way of swimmin':
By a marvellous trick
He would scull with his prick,
Which attracted loud cheers from the women.
195-
Ginger was feeling quite gruff
'Til he placed his head in her muff
Then she purred like a kitty
When his tongue hit her clitty
Saying, "I just can't get enough!"
196-
"Let's try it this new way," said Jack
As he winked at the girl in the sack.
She turned and she grunted,
"I should be affronted,
But this time I'm taken aback!"
197-
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
198-
There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
199-
She lay there spread eagled in bed,
Her eyes were rolled back in her head.
Not a sign of resentment,
Only total contentment,
Not screwed, she's been eaten instead
200-
There was a young fellow named Charteris
Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
She said, "I don't mind,
And up higher you'll find
The place where my fucker and farter is."
201-
There was a young woman from Darjeeling
Who’s face wasn’t very appealing
She had warts on her chest
That poked through her string vest
And bollocks all swollen and peeling
202-
There was a young man from Wales
Who lived on snot, shit and snails.
When he couldn't get these,
He lived off the cheese
That he scraped from his dick with his nails.
203-
There was a young man from Duluth
Whose dick was shot off in his youth.
So he fucked with his nose,
And his fingers and toes,
And came through a hole in his tooth.
204-
There once was a man from Boston
Who rode around in an Austin.
He had room for his ass
And a gallon of gas,
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
205-
There was a young girl from Seattle
Who got her kicks sucking off cattle,
'til a bull from the South
Popped a load in her mouth
That made both her ovaries rattle
206-
There was a poor parson from Goring,
Who made a small hole in his flooring,
Fur-lined it all round,
Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
207-
ANTICIPATION
He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms....
And then he stuffed the turkey.
(some of you have SUCH dirty minds!)
208-
There was a poor lad called Chrissy
Who was unable to get a good stiffy
Until a pro from Utrecht
Made him erect
But she left his poor tool rather niffy.
209-
A chancre-pocked bedridden whore
Developed a putrid cunt-sore.
Her sheets and her cooze
Got crispy with ooze
And stalagmites formed on the floor.
210-
Felix the most evil cat,
Cared not a jot where he shat,
Slippers or shoes,
Don't care where he poos,
And he laughs as he hears your feet splat.....
211-
She demanded I gave her affection
Then opened her thighs for inspection;
I found her quite nice
'Til I noticed the lice
And immediately lost my erection.
Before they could jump on my dick
I re-buttoned my fly pretty quick;
But she shouted, "You fool!
All I want is your tool!"
So I gave her my shovel and pick.
212-
A kinky young gal got her kicks being silly
Liked tying strings around her guy's willie. -
But one fateful, wild and orgasmic night,
Got carried away and tied them too tight,
And ever since he's been known as "Millie"
213-
All over the bed we did roam
I swear from my mouth I did foam
I was just fit to pop
When we both had to stop..
As a voice said "Hey honey, I'm home!!"
214-
A squeamish young fellow named Brand
Thought caressing his penis was grand.
But he viewed with distaste
The gelatinous paste
That it left in the palm of his hand.
215-
In the garden of Eden lay Adam.
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth,
for he knew, here on Earth,
there were only two balls, and he had 'em
216-
There was an old maid of Peru
Who swore that she never would screw
Except under stress
Of forceful duress
Like, "I'm ready, dear, how about you?"
217-
There was a young lady named Nelly,
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly!
218-
There was a young lady from Cheam
Who tried out a breast-growing cream
She awoke in the night
With a terrible fright
Another had grown in between!
219-
There was a girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought all babies came from God.
But it wasn't the Almighty,
Who lifted her nightie,
'Twas Roger, the lodger, by God!
220-
There was a young sailor named Bates
Who did the fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
221-
The Great Aussie Love Poem
Of Course I Love Ya Darling You're A Bloody Top Notch Bird And When I Say You're Gorgeous I Mean Every Single Word
So Ya Bum Is On The Big Side I Dont Mind A Bit Of Flab It Means That When I'm Ready There's Somethin' There To Grab
So Your Belly Isn't Flat No More I Tell Ya, I Don't Care So Long As When I Cuddle Ya I Can Get My Arms Round There
No Sheila Who Is Your Age Has Nice Round Perky Breasts They Just Gave Into Gravity But I Know Ya Did Ya Best
I'm Tellin Ya The Truth Now I Never Tell Ya Lies I Think It's Very Sexy That You've Got Dimples On Ya Thighs
I Swear Upon Me Nannas Grave The Moment That We Met I Thought U Was As Good As I Was Ever Gonna Get
No Matter Wot U Look Like I'll Always Love Ya Dear Now Shut Up While The Footys On And Get Me Bloody Beer!
222-
There once was a man from Magnamater
Whose mistress kept calling him "Amateur"
She said, "Your technique
Is old and antique
And your rhythm's iambic pentameter."
223-
"I love ORGANS," she said, "Even kidney.
I've had sweetbreads from Brisbane to Sidney
A good serving of liver
Will set me aquiver,
Just like Tom and his organ: Well, didn' he?"
"There are giblets that go in a stew,
And chittlin's appeal to a few
You can start with some heart
And end up with the part
That's best shared just between me and you."
"The stores will no longer sell lung,
nor cojones from a bull that's well-hung;
And there isn't much hype
About kidney or tripe,
But I truly ADORE some good tongue!"
224-
There once was a disc jockey named Louise
Who's box had a sucking disease
One night it got wet;
It lost a cassette
An eight-track and twenty CDs
225-
A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexhedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Was four fifths of five eighths of fuck-all.
226-
There was a young husband from Greenwich
Whose balls were all covered with spinach
So long was his tool
That it wound round a spool
And he let it out inch by inch.
227-
There once was a gay named Feeney
Who liked to pour gin on his weenie,
In a moment uncouth,
He poured on vermouth
And slipped his friend Dan a martini.
228-
There once was a young man from Nairs
Who liked to have sex on the stairs,
With one powerful stroke,
The banister broke
And he finished her off in mid-air.
229-
My boss is a fellow named Sid
With the mind of an eight-year-old kid
Just outside his door
A sign said, "Wet floor,"
Sid saw it, and read it ... and did!
230-
There once was a young man named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner.
They sat down to dine
At a quarter past nine
And at quarter past ten it was in her.
(The dinner, not Skinner-- Skinner was in her before dinner!)
231-
There once was a man from Calcutta
Who took a sly peep through a shutter.
But all he could see
Was his wife's twitching knee
And the ass of the man that was up her
232-
There once was a girl they called Trish
Who was quite a delectable dish
Men savoured her lips
Then brought bags of chips
For her pussy smelt strongly of fish
233-
When juice of the mango I've drunk,
And of pineapple eaten a chunk,
I will offer my willy
To the palate of Lily,
Cuz it adds a nice taste to my spunk.
234-
There once was a man from Peru
who fell asleep in a canoe
while dreaming of Venus
he played with his penis
and woke up all covered with goo
235-
There once was a girl from Siam
Who went for a ride in a tram
The dirty conductor
Jumped up and fucked her
And now she pushes a pram.
236-
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack off the young men she loves
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves
237-
There once was a woman named Nancy,
Who waltzed with a man they called Clancey.
Soon after the dance,
He pulled down her silk pants,
Proceeding to tickle her fancy.
238-
Daddy told me long ago,
"Son, don't play with your dick.
Your teeth will rot, your nose will grow,
It's sure to make you sick."
"Your palms will get all hairy,
Or so I've heard it said.
You'll grow up to be a fairy
Just like your uncle Ned."
"Your bones will crack, your skin will crawl
Your back will always ache.
You won't grow more than four feet tall.
Your knees will start to shake."
"Your tongue will get all mushy,
Your hair will all turn green,
And then you'll lose your tushy
Before you turn thirteen."
"Your ears will flop, your eyes will cross,
Your crotch will start to smell.
Your brain will turn to applesauce.
You'll die and go to hell."
"And if they ask me how you died,
I'll tell them you were sick.
But in my heart I'll know I lied.
It's 'cause you pulled your prick!"
Daddy went to work this morn
And Mummy's in the kitchen.
I think I'll get out Daddy's porn
And give myself a twitchin'.
239-
There once was a woman from Dallas
who used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
Her vagina was found in North Carolina,
and her asshole in Buckingham Palace!
240-
A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
241-
She demanded I gave her affection
Then opened her thighs for inspection;
I found her quite nice
'Til I noticed the lice
And immediately lost my erection.
Before they could jump on my dick
I re-buttoned my fly pretty quick;
But she shouted, "You fool!
All I want is your tool!"
So I gave her my shovel and pick.
242-
There was a young girl from Balmoral
Whose habits were highly immoral.
For the price of a dime
She took three at a time,
One fore, one aft, and one oral
243-
There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine.
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
244-
Now gather round children and I'll tell a story of old, When men were brave and women were bold.
It all started a way out west, To settle the bet of who was best.
Now Old Lill fucked everything that crawled or creeped, And piled her victims in a great big heap.
There wasn't a man for miles around; With a big enough rod to fuck her down.
Now news of this boast travelled far and wide; Thousands of rod-toters came and died.
When down from Texas came Piss Pot Pete, With eighteen pounds of Swinging Meat.
Eighteen pounds of meat, and thirty pounds of cod; He wasn't a boy--he was a MAN, by God!
Pete laid it out on the Blue Balls Bar; I'll swear it stretched from thar to........... thar.
Stunk like shit, I thought I'd die; But he just laughed and let it lie.
Gentlemen, countrymen, boys in blue; Came to witness this terrible screw.
People came from miles afar, To place their bets at the Blue Balls Bar.
They met the next morning in the middle of the street, The Mangey Whore and Piss Pot Pete.
Pete greased his dick with a tub of lard, And he killed a mule trying to work up a hard!
Old Lill warmed up on an old cross-tie; Oh my God how the splinters did fly!
Pete came down Main Street like a south-bound freight, And Old Lill knew she had met her fate.
All she could do was to take a seat, And let old Pete sink his meat.
With a stretching of flesh, and tearing of skin, Old Pete drove the first two feet in.
Old Lill screamed and clawed at the grass, And yelled like a panther with a turpentined ass!
Lill let out a scream, "I can't take any more!" But Pete pounded away on the smelly old whore.
The earth shook and dark came to the sun; Pete's eyes rolled back and he fired off his gun.
When the battle was over and the dust had cleared, Over forty acres, Lill's ass was smeared.
Gallons of love were spilled out in the street. It was so damn sticky, you couldn't pick up your feet!
Land was torn up for miles around, Where Old Pete's balls had drug the ground.
Pete reeled in his dick, and pounded his chest; Got on two horses, and rode off West.
As a lasting memory to the great Old Whore, They hung her drawers on the Bar Room door.
And all the soap this side of hell; Couldn't wash away that whorehouse smell!
Now Old Pete died and went to hell; Fucked the devil and his wife as well!
The little imps screamed and climbed the wall, Yelling, "Get him out of here before he fucks us all!"
He fucked ninety-eight and his balls turned blue, Then he backed off, jacked off, and fucked the other two.
245-
There was a young girl from Balmoral
Whose habits were highly immoral.
For the price of a dime
She took three at a time,
One fore, one aft, and one oral
246-
There once was a man named Ray
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
But the heat of his prick
Turned the clay into brick
And tore all his foreskin away
247-
There was a young man from Iraq,
Who had holes down the side of his cock,
His boyfriend Umberto,
Could play the concerto,
By Johannes Sebastian Bach.
248-
Vidi a young Latin lass
And vici her heart and her ass.
She fondled genteely
My membrum virile
But veni too quickly alas.
249-
In the shade of the old apple tree
Where between her fat legs I could see
A little brown spot
With the hair in a knot,
And it certainly looked good to me.
250-
A young exhibitionist Kay,
Having tossed all her panties away,
Has invited us lads
(Via newspaper ads)
To a pubic performance today.
251-
An opera tenor in Rio
Had vocal cords where he did pee-o.
As he jerked on his dong
It broke into a song,
Most notably, "O Solo Mio."
252-
"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"
253-
A widow whose singular vice
Was to keep her late husband on ice,
Said, "It's been hard since I lost him,
I'll never defrost him!
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
254-
We were painting the church steeple grey,
When the wind blew our brushes away.
We said to the pastor,
"We've had a disaster!"
He calmly replied, "Let us spray."
255-
Sing this to the tune of "I Will Survive"
At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
when you said you had 10 inches Lord
I almost died,
but I'd spent oh so many years just
waiting for a man that long,
that I grew strong, and I knew that
I could take you on.
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a big Mac and you've
bought me a French fry,
I should have known that it was
bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream,
should have known there was no
anaconda lurking in those jeans.
Go on now go, walk out the door,
don't you promise me 10 inches then
turn up with only 4,
weren't you a prat to think I
wouldn't catch you out,
don't you know we're only joking
when we say size doesn't count.
Chorus:
I will survive, I will survive,
Cos as long as I have batteries, My
sex life's gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex with a
handful of latex,
I will survive,
I will survive...
hey hey.
It took all my self control not to
laugh out loud,
When I saw your little wiener
standing short and proud,
But to hell with all your egos and
to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a
cordless multispeed.
Go on now go, walk out the door,
don't you promise me 10 inches then
turn up with only 4,
weren't you a prat to think I
wouldn't catch you out,
don't you know we're only joking
when we say size doesn't count.
256-
Ever wonder how the seven dwarfs got their names?
Miss Snow White was a randy cow,
And desperate for a fuck.
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck!
She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke.
Then stumbled on a cottage,
And went in for a poke.
Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven Dwarfs came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.
Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven!
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.
Straight away she took command,
"My cunt now needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop you prick!"
So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that!"
"Not there, that me ass-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"
The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL!
Unless you're fucking queer!"
So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho"
As she rode upon his tool.
Now one dwarf wasn't smiling,
'Cos he hadn't had a sniff.
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.
"Relax, you GRUMPY idiot",
So he did as he was told.
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.
The next dwarf got a blow
And she took him in quite easy.
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.
With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner had he entered her,
Than he was sleeping on the job.
"Wake up you SLEEPY idiot"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.
The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her cunt raw.
And dazed Snow White then whimpered,
"That should be against the law!"
He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big dick."
With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My cunt can't take no more.!"
And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had put their cocks.
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last one DOC.
Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.
So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.
There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's what happened to that cup?
Well think of what you're drinking...
When you next buy 7-UP
257-
There was a young man from Australia,
Who painted his arse like a Dahlia.
The artwork was fine,
The painting divine,
But the smell was a bit of a failure.
258-
The honeymoon is over
and love is but a dying flower
when she comes in and takes a crap
while you are in the shower.
259-
Jenny's Poem
Jenny taught erotic correction,
Told her student "To get an erection,
Put your dick in my mouth,
Move it north, move it south,
Now, you're getting a sense of direction!"
Her instructions were very explicit,
And more than a little illicit:
"Please fill up my cunny,
With fresh clover honey,
And butter my buns like a biscuit."
"Then wrap me up nice in a blanket,
And I'll sit on your staff while you crank it.
I'll put on some feathers,
And laces and leathers,
And wiggle my ass while you spank it."
"Now that your fingers are stinky,
Tie me up in some chains that are clinky...
Bring in some goats and a sheik,
Give my big titties a tweak,
And now, we can start getting kinky!"
"Forget what the chain and the whip meant,
Get the straps and the slings and a shipment
Of high-grade Vaseline,
And a strong trampoline,
And all of that other equipment!"
"Now, when we get the bedsprings a strummin',
That's when I'll start in a hummin',
Then quickly, my dear,
Put it into my ear,
So I can hear the sound of it comin'!"
"I don't know how much this is costing,"
Said her student, still covered with frosting,
"But I can say with affinity,
That I've lost my virginity...
Quite frankly, my dear... you're exhausting!"
260-
A young schizophrenic named Struther,
When told of the death of his mother,
Said "Yes, it's too bad
"but I don't feel so sad,
"I'm lucky I still have each other."
261-
There once was a girl they called Trish
Who was quite a delectable dish
Men savoured her lips
Then brought bags of chips
For her pussy smelt strongly of fish
262-
A lecherous Bishop of Peoria
In a state of constant euphoria,
Enjoyed having fun
With a whore or a nun
While chanting the Sanctus and Gloria.
263-
I sat by the Duchess at tea,
And she asked, "Do you fart when you pee?"
I said with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And felt it was one up for me.
264-
The bishop of Winchester Junction
Found his phallus would no longer function.
So in black crepe he wound it,
Tied a lily around it,
And solemnly gave it last unction.
265-
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
She said to her beau,
"Hey, look at me, Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way."
266-
There was a young girl from Odessa,
A rather unblushing transgressor.
When sent to the priest
The lewd little beast
Began to undress her confessor.
267-
There once was a man from Boston
Who drove around in a dark green Austin
He had room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost them.
268-
A handsome young woman named Hannah,
Did wild, wet things with a banana.
Her legs spread wide
The banana inside
And her audience shouting "Hosanna!"
269-
There was an old man of Tagore
Whose tool was a yard long or more,
So he wore the damn thing
In a surgical sling
To keep it from wiping the floor.
270-
There was a young man from St. Rose,
Whose love life was so full of woes,
He loved sixty-nine,
He'd do it all the time,
But always got shit on his nose.
271-
Said A Classicist Down In Peru,
''When In Love You Can Best Follow Through,
And Show Your Devotion,
With The Helical Motion,
Of The Great Archimedean Screw.''
272-
There was a young girl from Wick
Who said "mother what is a dick" ?
She said "my dear Annie"
It goes in your fanny
And jumps up and down till it's sick
273-
"It's my code," says a mailman named Crewe,
"To unzip, then deliver a screw.
If virgins, when nervous,
Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must get through."
274-
Once a young and devout holy roller,
Had a boy friend attempt to console her.
She'd gone down on his cock,
That was hard as a rock...
Chipped a tooth, plus she knocked out a molar.
275-
There was a young girl of Batonger,
Used to diddle herself with a conger.
When asked how it feels
To be pleasured by eels,
She said, "Just like a man, only longer."
276-
There was a young fellow from Trinity
Who ruined his sister's virginity.
Buggered his brother,
had twins by his mother
and took a degree in divinity.
277-
I knew young fellow from Kings,
who cared not for whores and such things.
His height of desire,
Was a boy from the choir,
With a bum like a jelly on springs.
278-
A circus midget named Pitts
Was subject to passionate fits;
But his pleasure in life, was to suck off his wife
While he swung, by his knees, from her tits.
279-
Ode to Freddie Bloor
This is the tale of young Freddie Bloor,
whose sexual equipment got jammed in a door.
The firemen arrived on the scene, double quick
But alas were too late to save poor Freddie's dick.
By the time they freed him he didn't feel well
for his private parts were mangled to hell.
They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew
but when they arrived there was nowt they could do.
What a sad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
to a life with no sex and a high squeaky voice,
But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool
some bright spark suggested a bionic tool.
A bright new electric one made out of brass,
though the batteries would have to be kept up his ass.
So newly equipped and after a rest,
Fred thought he would put his new tool to the test.
Finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
he piled her with drink and made her feel randy.
The girl without waiting, put her hand in his flies,
when she felt what was there gave a cry of surprise.
"That's my bionic chopper, now let's have some fun!",
"Cor blimey!", she said, "It feels like a gun!"
They both stripped off quick and Fred entered her fast,
and he turned up the speed knob and gave her full blast.
They clutched tight to each other as Fred's dick shook some more,
then they shook off the bed and rolled onto the floor.
Now the part hotted up and they started to choke
as the air in the room became filled with blue smoke.
With a bang Fred's left bollock shot up in the air
and his other went plonkety plonk down the stair.
So back for repair went poor Fred, full of woe,
was this how his sex life was destined to go?
A return to the doctor at the end of each shag
with his prick in his pocket and his balls in a bag.
But they fixed young Fred up, made him manly again,
and they helped out the batteries with a flex for the main,
So if the batteries run out, it's still quite alright,
Cos he's now got a mains lead and can go it all night,
And if he can't get a girl, lucky Fred doesn't cry,
cos he's now AC/DC and can go with a guy.
280-
A decent young fellow named Herm
Was equipped with a geyser-like worm:
The size wasn't much
But its volume was such
That his lovers did backstroke in sperm.
281-
There was a young lady from China
Who mistook for her mouth her vagina.
Her clitoris huge
She covered with rouge
And lipsticked her labia minor.
282-
A mystical painter named
Fox
Once picked up a girl on the docks.
He made an elliptic
Mysterious triptych,
And painted it right on her box.
283-
A lady while dining at Crewe
Found a large whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
And don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too."
284-
There was a young Scot in Madrid
Who got fifty-five lays for a quid.
When they said, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."
285-
The sky was dark The moon was high
all alone, just she and I
Her hair so soft Her eyes so blue
I knew just what She wanted to do
Her skin so soft Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers Down her spine
I didn't know But I tried my best
I started by placing My hand on her breast
I remember my fear My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread Her legs apart
And when I did it I felt no shame
And all at once The white stuff came
At last it finished It's all over now
My very first time OF MILKING A COW!!
286-
On board the good ship Venus,
Lord, you should have seen us.
Our figurehead
Was a whore in bed
and the mast was a rampant penis.
CHORUS
Friggin' in the riggin',
Friggin' in the riggin',
Friggin' in the riggin',
There's fuck all else to do.
The Captain of our lugger
Was a filthy bugger.
He wasn't fit
To shovel shit
From one ship to another
The First Mate's name was Morgan
By God he was a gorgon
Five times a day
He'd kneel and play
The Captain's sexual organ
The Second Mate was Andy.
He was young and randy.
They boiled his bum
In steaming rum
For cumming in the brandy
The Bos'n's name was Walker
He was a bleeding corker.
The dirty sod
Had been at quad
For dalliance with a porker
The cabin boy was Tripper
He was a deadly nipper
He stuffed his ass
With broken glass
And circumcised the skipper
The Captain's wife, named Mabel,
To fuck was never able.
So the dirty shits
Nailed her tits
Onto the chart room table
The Captain had a daughter
Who fell into the water.
Her squeals revealed
A school of eels
Had found her sexual quarter
When we reached out station
We found to our elation
The ship had sunk
In a sea of spunk
From mutual masturbation.
287-
An old window washer named Luigi
Was screwing a lady from Fiji.
When she started to sweat,
He said, "Hold it, my pet,"
And squished off the sweat with his squeegee.
288-
A Sailor, Ashore In Peru
Said ''Signora, Quanto Por La Screw?''
''For Only One Peso
I Will, If You Say So,
Be Buggered And Nibble It Too.''
289-
Two elephants, Harry and Fay,
Couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way.
So they boarded a plane,
And are now kissing in Maine
Cause their trunks got sent to L.A.
290-
"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun,
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"
291-
This engineering dude named Paul,
Had one round and one octagonal ball;
The square of his weight,
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Is his phone number... give him a call.
292-
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
293-
There was a young athlete named Grimmon,
Who developed a new way of swimmin'...
By a marvellous trick,
He would scull with his prick,
Which attracted loud cheers from the women.
294-
There once was a girl from Decatur
Who got laid by a big alligator.
Now, nobody knew,
The result of that screw,
Because after he laid her, he ate her.
295-
The fact of the matter is: Jack
Had long wanted Jill on her back;
So he told her some tale,
About filling a pail...
And then bungled his plan of attack.
296-
A disgusting young man named McGill,
Made his neighbours exceedingly ill,
Because of his habits,
Involving white rabbits,
And a bird with a flexible bill.
297-
A well hung lad from outside Seattle,
Had a thing about romancing cattle,
He saw a young cow,
And thought her a WOW!,
But so did the bull, hence the battle!
298-
A Passionate Maiden From China,
Would Gently Caress Her Vagina.
She Fondly Would Linger
With Each Little Finger,
As Though Nothing In China Was Finer.
299-
She wasn't what one would call pretty.
And other girls offered her pity.
So nobody guessed,
The paternity test,
Would involve half the men in the city.
300-
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
With a little keg of brandy.
Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed,
Now it's Jack, and Jill, and Andy.
301-
Jack and Jill Went up the hill,
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass,
and grabbed her ass,
Now his two front teeth are missing.
302-
There once was a girl from Siam
Who went for a ride in a tram
The dirty conductor
Jumped up and fucked her
And now she pushes a pram.
303-
There once was a man from Calcutta,
who liked to beat off in the gutter,
the heat of the street
melted his meat
and turned his cream into butter.
304-
There was a young man from Mauritius,
who said his last fuck was delicious,
but the next time I come,
It'll be up your bum,
'cause that scab on your cunt looks suspicious.
305-
There once was a man named Crockett
Who went for a ride in a rocket
The engine went bang
His nuts went clang
And he found his dick in this pocket.
306-
Illegal Immigrants Poem
I cross ocean,
poor and broke,
Take bus,
see employment folk.
Nice man treat me
good in there,
Say I need to
see welfare.
Welfare say,
"You come no more,
We send cash
right to your door."
Welfare checks,
they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep
you healthy!
By and by,
I got plenty money,
Thanks to you,
American dummy.
Write to friends
in motherland,
Tell them 'come
fast as you can.'
They come in turbans
and Ford trucks,
I buy big house
with welfare bucks
They come here,
we live together,
More welfare checks,
it gets better!
Fourteen families,
they moving in,
But neighbour's patience
wearing thin.
Finally, white guy
moves away,
Now I buy his house,
and then I say,
"Find more aliens
for house to rent."
And in the yard
I put a tent.
Send for family
they just trash,
But they, too,
draw the welfare cash!
Everything is
very good,
And soon we
own the neighbourhood.
We have hobby
it's called breeding,
Welfare pay
for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist?
Wife need pills?
We get free!
We got no bills!
American crazy!
He pay all year,
To keep welfare
running here.
We think America
darnn good place!
Too darnn good for
the white man race.
If they no like us,
they can scram,
Got lots of room
in Pakistan
307-
There once was a man from Cape Horn
Who wished that he'd never been born.
He wouldn't have been.
If his father had seen.
That the end of his condom was torn!
308-
Said Mary, "I do beg your pardon,
But I once had a tree in my garden,
With a trunk long and thick,
But I have to admit,
'Twas nothing, compared to John's hard'un..."
309-
A girl who hiked o'er the land
Once showed me a trick with her hand.
She zipped down her pants,
Adjusted her stance,
And peed out my name in the sand!
310-
It's easy to please young Miss Flattery,
She wants not a hat from the hattery,
Nor shoes alligator,
But for her vibrator,
She's thrilled with the gift of a battery.
311-
Hickory dickory dock
some girl was sucking my cock
The clock struck two
I shot my goo
And dumped the bitch on the next block.
312-
An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand seizure
And broke both his balls and a lamp.
313-
A Limerick Of Classic Proportion
Should Have Meter And Rhyme And Proportion
Of Humour Quite Lewd
And Frightfully Crude
And Impossible Sexual Contortion.
314-
There once was a preacher's daughter
Who resented the pony he bought her
Till she found that it's dong
Was as hard and as long
As the prayers her father had taught her
315-
There once was a man named Mort
Whose dick was incredibly short
He climbed into bed
And his lady friend said,
"That's not a dick, it's a wart".
316-
All over the bed we did roam
I swear from my mouth I did foam
I was just fit to pop
When we both had to stop..
As a voice said "Hey honey, I'm home!!"
317-
Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village smith he sat,
Amusing himself
By abusing himself
And catching the load in his hat.
318-
There was a young lady named Nance
Who learned about fucking in France,
And when you'd insert it
She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
And shove it right back in your pants.
319-
There once was a girl from Sidney
Who could take it right up to her kidney
But a guy from Quebec
Shoved it up to her neck
He had a long one, now didn't he.
320-
On the banks of the Thames stood
Lord Buckingham
Dreaming of tits and of sucking them
While watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks who were fuckin' 'em
321-
Two school-kids around Aberystwyth
Made love with the lips that they kissed with
But as they got older
They also grew bolder
Making love with the things that they pissed with
322-
There once was a fellow named Dave
Who dug up a whore from her grave
She was mouldy as shit
and missing a tit
But think of the money he saved
323-
There once was a man from Bombay
Who ate gallons of beans everyday
He farted so loud
He attracted a crowd
But the smell made them all run away
324-
There was a young dancer, Priscillla,
Who flavoured her cunt with vanilla.
The taste was so fine,
Men and beasts stood in line,
Including a stud armadilla.
325-
A remarkable race are the Persians,
They have such peculiar diversions.
They screw the whole day
In the regular way,
And save up the nights for perversions.
326-
There was a chicken farmer from Hay,
Who found his hens wouldn't lay;
The trouble was Brewster,
His champion rooster;
You see, Brewster the rooster was gay
327-
There was a young lady of Spain
Whose face was excessively plain
But her cunt had a pucker
That made the men fuck'er
Again and again and again.
328-
A mortician who practiced in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife
"How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, did not budge
Just the same as she'd acted in life."
329-
A Peruvian shepherd called Bruno,
said there is one thing I do know,
A woman is fine,
A young boy divine,
but a Llama is Numero Uno.
330-
Across from my house is young Mabel
And if her curtains stay open I'm able
To watch her caressing
Herself while undressing
As long as I stand on this table.
331-
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who eeked out a living through sin.
She didn't mind fucking,
But much preferred sucking,
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
332-
A notorious hooker named Shore
Would allow horny sailors to score,
But employed every means
Of avoiding Marines-
She was rotten, they claimed, to the Corps.
333-
A virgin with eyes that were blue,
Was told that it's sinful to screw.
So she rubbed on her clit,
But swore that she'd quit,
At least in the next year or two.
334-
There was a young woman from Wild,
Who kept herself quite undefiled,
By thinking of Jesus...
Contagious diseases....
And the bother of having a child.
335-
I once had a ladyfriend, Rose,
Double-jointed she was I suppose.
And I watched fascinated,
As Rose masturbated;
Herself with the tip of her nose.
336-
A worried young man from Stamboul,
Discovered red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."
337-
Breathed a tender young man from Australia,
My darling, please let me unveil ya.
And then, of, my own,
If you'll kindly lie prone;
I'll endeavour, my sweet, to impale ya.
338-
There was a young man named Keith,
Who liked to be fondled beneath,
When she'd start with her lips,
Mmmmm, he'd wiggle his hips...
But not when the bitch used her teeth!
339-
There was a young lady named Hicks
Who delighted to play with men's pricks,
Which she would embellish
With evident relish,
And make then stand up and do tricks.
340-
There was a young lady named Mabel
Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
Then cry to her man,
'Stuff in all you can -
Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able.'
341-
There was a young lady named Mabel
Who said, 'I don't think that I'm able;
But I'm willing to try
So where should I lie -
On the bed, on the floor or the table?'
342-
Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,
Liked to screw with a friendly Israeli.
Just the thought of his schmuck
Got her ready to fuck,
Which they did six or seven times daily.
343-
A methodical fellow named Wade,
Could recall every girl that he'd laid.
He recorded each poke,
Every thrust, every stroke,
And precisely how much he'd been paid.
344-
There was a young laundress named Springer,
Who went on to become a good singer...
She acquired her range,
In a manner most strange;
When she caught both her tits in the wringer!
345-
This tale's of a dyslexic who
Bank-robbed with some help from the zoo.
His heist, though he planned it,
Turned strange, for the bandit
Wrote, "Give me cash. I have a gnu."
346-
There was a young lady of fashion
Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
To her lover she said,
As they climbed into bed,
"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
347-
There was a young man from Maine
Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
It was almost as long,
So he strolled with his dong
Extended in sunshine and rain.
348-
"A sermon", thought Father O'Flynn,
"I should write 'bout The Evils Of Sin...
But my mind is a blank,
So I'll sit here and wank,
'Til some new inspirations begin."
His housekeeper, taken aback,
Cried, "Oh Father! It's sinful to wack!"
So she whipped off her scanties,
(Her bra and her panties)
And guided him into her crack.
"Lord Jesus!" cried Father O'Flynn,
"Inspiration at last to begin!"
As his housekeeper dribbled
He grabbed paper and scribbled
His sermon: 'The Pleasures Of Sin'.
349-
There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went on a date with a Builder
She knew that he could
And he should and he would
And he did, and it bloody nigh killed her!
350-
There was a young lady of Trent
Who said that she knew what it meant
When he asked her to dine,
Private room, lots of wine,
She knew, oh she knew! -- but she went!
351-
A carpenter living in Crewe,
Who had nothing whatever to do,
Once assisted a whore
With the hinge of her door,
But he made her pay for the screw
352-
Archimedes, the early truth-seeker,
Leapt out of his bath, cried "Eureka!"
And ran half a mile
Wearing only a smile,
Thus becoming the very first streaker.
353-
An opera tenor in Rio
Had vocal cords where he did pee-o.
As he jerked on his dong
It broke into a song,
Most notably, "O Solo Mio."
354-
When a corpulent spinster named Snow
Was approached by a dwarf for a blow,
She replied, "I have pride!
Your request is denied!
I could never, sir, stoop quite that low!"
355-
In the check out at the food store
A nun was advising the poor:
"Hey you up in front!
That's too many items you cunt!
And they won't take food stamps for beer ya dumb whore."
356-
Said an irate young whore in Hong Kong,
"I think you are utterly wrong
To say my vagina's
The largest in China
Just because of your mean little dong."
357-
Ginger, from the County of Dade
Said, "I think it's time I got laid.
My vibrator can tingle
But it's not cunnilingal
And that's how orgasms are made."
358-
There once was a man named Brewster,
Who said to his wife as he goosed her,
That used to be grand,
But just look at my hand,
Your not wiping as good as you used to!
359-
The sea captain's tender young bride
Fell into the bay at low tide,
You could tell by her squeals,
That some of the eels,
Had discovered a dark place to hide.
360-
She demanded I gave her affection
Then opened her thighs for inspection;
I found her quite nice
'Til I noticed the lice
And immediately lost my erection.
361-
Feeling rude in the nude was Miss Prim,
When she went down to the river to swim.
A man in a punt,
stuck an oar in her eye.
And now she wears glasses.
362-
An ardent young man named Magruder
Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
She thought it quite lewd
To be wooed in the nude,
But Magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
363-
There once was a girl they called Trish
Who was quite a delectable dish
Men savoured her lips
Then brought bags of chips
For her pussy smelt strongly of fish
364-
There was a young parson from Harridge,
Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. She said,
"No, you young goose,
Just try self-abuse,
And the other we'll try after marriage."
365-
Said a woman with open delight,
"My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care.
They locate it more quickly at night
366-
There was a young athlete named Grimmon,
Who developed a new way of swimmin'...
By a marvellous trick,
He would scull with his prick,
Which attracted loud cheers from the women.
366-
A disgusting young man named McGill,
Made his neighbours exceedingly ill,
Because of his habits,
Involving white rabbits,
And a bird with a flexible bill.
367-
A well hung lad from outside Seattle,
Had a thing about romancing cattle,
He saw a young cow,
And thought her a WOW!,
But so did the bull, hence the battle!
368-
A sailor who slept in the sun
Woke to find his fly buttons undone.
He remarked with a smile,
"Good Gosh, a sundial!
And it's now a quarter past one."
369-
There once was a young man named Sweeney
Who's girl was a terrible meany.
Her snatch had a hatch
With a catch that would latch,
And she could only be screwed by Houdini!
370-
Did you hear about young Henry Lockett,
Who went for a ride in a rocket?
The force of the blast
Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
371-
A strange young fellow from Leeds
Rashly swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of fine grass
Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were covered with weeds.
372-
A farmer I know named O'Doole
Has a long and incredible tool.
He can use it to plough,
Or to diddle a cow,
Or just as a cue stick for pool
373-
There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went on a date with a Builder
She knew that he could
And he should and he would
And he did, and it bloody nigh killed her!
374-
There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighbourhood scandal
By coming out bare
On the main village square
And massaging herself with a candle.
375-
There was a young girl from Balmoral
Whose habits were highly immoral.
For the price of a dime
She took three at a time,
One fore, one aft, and one oral
376-
There was a young lady of Spain
Whose face was excessively plain
But her cunt had a pucker
That made the men fuck'er
Again and again and again.
377-
A Christian Scientist from Theale
Said, "Though I know that pain isn't real
When I sit on a pin
And it punctures my skin
I dislike what I fancy I feel!"
378-
The last time I dined with the King
He did a most curious thing.
He sat on a stool,
Took out his tool,
And said, "if I play will you sing?"
379-
There was a young man from Saint Paul
Who went to a masquerade ball.
Just for a stunt
He went dressed as a cunt,
And was fucked by a dog in the hall.
380-
About Farts.....
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.....
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must not forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!
381-
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favourite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's foetus!
382-
There was an old spinster called Maude
At whom everyone laughed and guffawed;
Until handsome young Bert,
Noticed a tent in her skirt,
Which revealed she was really a Claude.
383-
Fifty Ways To Love Your Beaver
(sung to the tune of "Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover.")
I was a virgin not much older than 16 I was as horny as a young girl's ever been My friend said, "Please yourself ... it's safe and not obscene!" There must be fifty ways to love your beaver.
Fifty ways to love your beaver.
Just finger the pie, Di Diddle the clam, Pam Why not masturbate, Kate And listen to me
Touch yourself THERE, Claire You'll feel better everywhere! Go stroke where you pee, Lee And set yourself FREE!
She said "You know it hurts me so to see you in such need. But you know now you don't have to deal with men and messy seed." I said "I appreciate that ... and I'll follow your lead and use the fifty ways."
She said, "Why don't you just take home this vibrator tonight And I believe that when you try it you'll begin to see the light." And when I felt it buzz, I realized she probably was right! There must be fifty ways to love your beaver. Fifty ways to love your beaver.
Just finger the pie, Di Diddle the clam, Pam Why not masturbate, Kate And listen to me
Touch yourself THERE, Claire You'll feel better everywhere! Go stroke where you pee, Lee And set yourself FREE!
384-
There was a young fellow of Harrow
Whose john was the size of a marrow.
He said to his tart,
"How's this for a start?
My balls are outside in a barrow."
385-
The next time you meet Millie Day,
And she lures you to bed for a lay,
Remember, you wimp,
I'm her bona fide pimp,
And get half the cash that you pay!
386-
There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
In her striving to please,
She serves ale on her knees,
So the patrons get head with their draft.
387-
There was a young man from Mauritius,
who said his last fuck was delicious,
but the next time I come,
It'll be up your bum,
'cause that scab on your cunt looks suspicious.
388-
They say that the way to
men's hearts
Is good food from soup to tarts
A chocolate éclair
Will stiffen him there
But too much will give him the farts
389-
We were painting the church steeple
grey,
When the wind blew our brushes away.
We said to the pastor,
"We've had a disaster!"
He calmly replied, "Let us spray."
390-
There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
On her knees every day
To god she would pray
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
391-
Though the youthful and lusty Miss Bount
Had struggled her fullest amount
Against Dracula's might,
At the end of her fight
I hear she went down for the Count
392-
There was a knight named Sir Lancelot
Who went to parties and danced a lot
When making a pass
At a young pretty lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot!
393-
A maiden at college, Miss Breeze,
Weighed down by B. A.'s and Lit. D.'s
Collapsed from the strain,
Said her doctor, "It's plain,
"You're killing yourself by degrees.
394-
There was a young man named Keith,
Who liked to be fondled beneath.
When she used her lips,
He wiggled his hips,
But not when the bitch used her teeth.
395-
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd 'just take a chance'.
She let herself go
For an hour or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts!
396-
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who eeked out a living through sin.
She didn't mind fucking,
But much preferred sucking,
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
397-
There was a young girl from Kilkenny
Whose usual charge was a penny
For half of that sum
You could roger her bum
A source of amusement to many.
398-
There once was a young holy roller,
Had a boy friend attempt to console her.
She'd gone down on his cock,
That was hard as a rock...
Chipped a tooth, plus she knocked out a molar.
399-
There once was a monk in Siberia
Whose existence got steadily drearier.
He did to a nun
What he shouldn't have done
And made her a mother superior!
400-
There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went on a date with a Builder
She knew that he could
And he should and he would
And he did, and it bloody nigh killed her!
401-
There was a young royal marine,
Who tried to fart "God Save The Queen".
When he reached the soprano
Out came only guano
And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
402-
The calligrapher gained his renown
And he turned his whole trade upside down
With a fancy new script
At which somebody quipped,
"Seems we've got a new serif in town!"
403-
The model climbed up the ladder,
As Titian, the painter, had bade her
Then her position
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had her
404-
Suzie Wong and her sister looked tight.
They seduced Stephen Wright one hot night.
He resisted just one,
But a pair? Too much fun!
So you see, two Wongs can make a Wright!
405-
There was a young fellow from Trinity
Who ruined his sister's virginity.
Buggered his brother,
had twins by his mother
and took a degree in divinity.
406-
There once was a Texan named Bush,
Who had a most cavernous tush.
He said: 'For a war
I'll be your butt whore!'
Said Blair: 'I'll give it a push!'
407-
Mary had a little watch,
She swallowed it one day.
She took a dose of Castor oil,
to pass the time away.
The oil, it did not work.
The time it did not pass.
So if you want to know what time it is,
You'll have to look up Mary's arse.
408-
There was an old sailor from Wales,
An expert at pissing in gales;
From the top gallant spar, he'd piss in a jar,
Without even wetting the sails.
409-
There was a young lady called Joan
Who went to the dentist alone
In a fit of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity
Now she's nursing the filling at home.
410-
There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"
411-
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
But another, more sane,
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
412-
To the beat of Row Your Boat...
Roll, roll, roll your joint
twist it at the end,
take a puff,
that's enough
and pass it to a friend.
413-
Peter peter pumpkin eater
had a wife loved to beat her
smacked her twice across the head
fucked her ass and went to bed
414-
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn't the knack,
And he got too far back --
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
415-
The cane, as I'm sure you must know,
Is the source of most sugar we grow.
Though it's resource-expensive
And labour-intensive,
Beet's the alternative, though.
416-
There was a pole-vaulter from France
Who used his penis instead of a lance
To help him jump higher
Women's breasts he'd admire
For he'd rise at the very first glance.
417-
There once was a man named Eugene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
418-
Haiku Shorts
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you're my cousin.
Naked in repose,
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps.
A painful sadness.
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door.
In WalMart toy aisle,
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll.
Mama whups his ass.
Unemployment's out,.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability.
Distant siren screams.
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again.
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil.
Seeking solitude,
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order.
Tonight we hunger.
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggart.
419-
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
She said to her beau,
"Hey, look at me, Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way."
420-
There was a young laundress named Wrangle
Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
"They may tickle my chin,"
She said with a grin,
"But at least they keep out of the mangle."
421-
There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighbourhood scandal
By coming out bare
On the main village square
And massaging herself with a candle.
422-
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?
423-
A convention of scholars from Wurst,
Were wondering which came first;
The chicken or the egg?
But to differ I beg;
I believe the rooster came first!
424-
Said Old Father Maury: "I'm humble,
And getting too old for a tumble,
But produce me a blonde,
And I'm still not beyond
An attempt at an interesting fumble."
425-
There was a young man with a fiddle
Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
She replied, "Yes, I do,
But prefer to with two
It's twice as much fun in the middle."
426-
As the elevator car left our floor,
Big Sue caught her tits in the door;
She yelled a good deal,
But had they been real,
She'd have yelled considerably more.
427-
There was a young lady of Dexter
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
For whenever they'd start
He'd unfailingly fart
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
428-
There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
In her striving to please,
She serves ale on her knees,
So the patrons get head with their draft.
429-
A randy young fellow named Yates
Went out drinking and searching for mates
But the girls in the bars
Had the worst acne scars
And the guy just abhors pitted dates.
430-
There once was a fellow named Clyde,
Who slipped on some dogdoo and died.
He fell on his brother
Who then he did smother
And now they're in turd side by side.
431-
The distinction is clear to the courts;
A false claim for a mine causes torts.
You must really play fair;
Real gold is quite rare,
While "fool's gold" can be measured in quartz.
432-
When wed in
2000 A. D.
Feghoot flouted tradition's decree
That a smoked salmon's head
Lie in each nuptial bed
"For love laughs at lox myths," said he.
433-
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's fanny.
Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock because Jill's a post-op tranny
434-
There was a young man from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her,
When they got into bed
He cried, God strike me dead!
This ain't a puss - it's a corridor!"
435-
Ginger was feeling quite gruff
'Til he placed his head in her muff
Then she purred like a kitty
When his tongue hit her clitty
Saying, "I just can't get enough!"
436-
Let's try it this new way," said Jack
As he winked at the girl in the sack.
She turned and she grunted,
"I should be affronted,
But this time I'm taken aback!"
437-
I once knew a clever young bitch
Who owned a huge dildo with which
She would use with delight
Far into the night
Ten bucks at Abercrombie & Fitch
438-
A finicky man from Australia
With the ladies was largely a failure.
He said, "Sex may be fun
But in the long run
It will damage my fine genitalia."
439-
Too much 'speed' in the world resulteth
In our planet being in such a meth
As in biblical scenes
Those amphetamines
Have seen people being stoned to death
440-
I wooed a buxom young nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! She was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude --
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
441-
A chancre-pocked bedridden whore
Developed a putrid cunt-sore.
Her sheets and her cooze
Got crispy with ooze
And stalagmites formed on the floor.
441-
Felix the most evil cat,
Cared not a jot where he shat,
Slippers or shoes,
Don't care where he poos,
And he laughs as he hears your feet splat.....
442-
She demanded I gave her affection
Then opened her thighs for inspection;
I found her quite nice
'Til I noticed the lice
And immediately lost my erection.
Before they could jump on my dick
I re-buttoned my fly pretty quick;
But she shouted, "You fool!
All I want is your tool!"
So I gave her my shovel and pick.
443-
There was a young man of Adair
Who thought he would diddle a mare.
He climbed up a ladder
And jolly well had her,
With his backside a-wave in the air.
444-
There was a young fellow named Charteris
Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
She said, "I don't mind,
And up higher you'll find
The place where my fucker and farter is."
445-
There once was a kiddie named Carr
Caught a man on top of his mar.
As he saw him stick 'er,
He said with a snicker,
"You do it much faster than par."
446-
The lady was always ready to entice
She said once a night was very nice
And doing it twice was surely no bore
But she really preferred three or more
Addin' tabasco to whipped cream for spice
447-
There was a young lady named Gay,
Who was asked to make love in the hay.
She jumped at the chance
And took off her pants,
She was tickled to try it that way!
448-
A transvestite from Lyford-By-Tyme
Who was in court for a horrific crime,
Said, "Your honour, oh no!
It cannot be so
For I was a broad at the time.
449-
A phenomenal fellow named Preston
Has a hair-padded lower intestine.
Though exceedingly fine
In the buggery line,
It isn't much good for digestin'.
450-
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
451-
There was a young man in Hong Kong
Who grew seven fathoms of prong.
It looked, when erect,
About as you'd expect---
When coiled it did not seem so long.
452-
The was an old woman from Kent
Who went to a football event
She sat near the goal
And opened her hole
One guess as to where the ball went?
453-
"Sixty Nine was a bit of a flop,"
Said the guy as he moved back on top,
"If sex must be kinky
Let's try some less stinky
So I won't have a reason to stop"
454-
"I love ORGANS," she said, "Even kidney.
I've had sweetbreads from Brisbane to Sidney
A good serving of liver
Will set me aquiver,
Just like Tom and his organ: Well, didn' he?"
"There are giblets that go in a stew,
And chittlin's appeal to a few
You can start with some heart
And end up with the part
That's best shared just between me and you."
"The stores will no longer sell lung,
nor cojones from a bull that's well-hung;
And there isn't much hype
About kidney or tripe,
But I truly ADORE some good tongue!"
455-
There once was a disc jockey named Louise
Who's box had a sucking disease
One night it got wet;
I lost a cassette
An eight-track and twenty CD's
456-
There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste
They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
457-
My boss is a fellow named Sid
With the mind of an eight-year-old kid
Just outside his door
A sign said, "Wet floor,"
Sid saw it, and read it ... and did!
458-
There once was a young man named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner.
They sat down to dine
At a quarter past nine
And at quarter past ten it was in her.
(The dinner, not Skinner-- Skinner was in her before dinner!)
459-
There once was a man from Calcutta
Who took a sly peep through a shutter.
But all he could see
Was his wife's twitching knee
And the ass of the man that was up her
460-
Daddy told me long ago,
"Son, don't play with your dick.
Your teeth will rot, your nose will grow,
It's sure to make you sick."
"Your palms will get all hairy,
Or so I've heard it said.
You'll grow up to be a fairy
Just like your uncle Ned."
"Your bones will crack, your skin will crawl
Your back will always ache.
You won't grow more than four feet tall.
Your knees will start to shake."
"Your tongue will get all mushy,
Your hair will all turn green,
And then you'll lose your tushy
Before you turn thirteen."
"Your ears will flop, your eyes will cross,
Your crotch will start to smell.
Your brain will turn to applesauce.
You'll die and go to hell."
"And if they ask me how you died,
I'll tell them you were sick.
But in my heart I'll know I lied.
It's 'cause you pulled your prick!"
Daddy went to work this morn
And Mummy's in the kitchen.
I think I'll get out Daddy's porn
And give myself a twitchin'.
461-
Snow White was desperate for a fuck
She went to the woods to try her luck.
She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
and went in for a poke.
Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarfs came marching in,
with a merry song and dance.
Snow White just stood there speechless,
and thought she was in heaven,
originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.
Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"
So down he went onto all fours,
and said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"
The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer"
So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.
Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
and due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.
"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.
The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.
With three dwarfs left she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner than he had entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.
"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
that he filled her hairy quim.
The next dwarf rammed his up her,
and shagged her fanny raw,
a dazed Snow White them whimpered.
"That should be against the law."
He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick"
With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"
And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.
Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.
So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
and how they got their names,
by satisfying Miss Snow White,
and joining in her games.
There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
when you next buy 7-Up
462-
There was a young harlot of Crete
Whose fucking was far, far too fleet.
So they tied down her ass
With a long ton of brass
To give them a much longer treat.
When the Nazis landed in Crete
The young harlot had to compete
With the many Storm Troopers
Who were using their poopers
For other things than to excrete.
Our subversive young harlot of Crete
Was led to fifth-column deceit.
When the paratroops landed
Her trade she expanded
By at once going down on their meat.
Then here was this harlot of Crete
She decided to be very neat.
She said, "I'm too high class
To ream common ass,
And I'll wash every prick that I eat."
And at last this young harlot of Crete
Was hawking her meat in the street.
Ambling out one fine day
In a casual way
She clapped up the whole British fleet.
463-
A cock of a fellow named Randall,
Shot sparks like a big Roman candle,
He was much in demand,
For the colours were grand,
But most girls found him too hot to handle.
464-
Hannibal's plan made good sense
Cross alps astride creatures, immense
Though it may seem odd
Your enemy's awed
When elephants sit on defence
465-
There once was a girl from the chorus
Whose virtue was said to be porous
She started by candling
And ended by handling
The whole clientele of a whorehouse.
466-
A lubricious young woman named Gwen
Had never learned how to say "when!"
So she did it again
And again and again
And again and again and again.
467-
A blue little boy from Lansing
couldn't find a partner for dancing.
So he bared his dick
in a final vain trick,
and won a loose lass for romancing!
468-
There was a young swimmer named Chad
Who one night dreamt he was a shad
He dreamt he was spawning
And then the next morning
He found on the sheets that he had!
469-
Jenny taught erotic correction,
Told her student "To get an erection,
Put your dick in my mouth,
Move it north, move it south,
Now, you're getting a sense of direction!"
Her instructions were very explicit,
And more than a little illicit:
"Please fill up my cunny,
With fresh clover honey,
And butter my buns like a biscuit."
"Then wrap me up nice in a blanket,
And I'll sit on your staff while you crank it.
I'll put on some feathers,
And laces and leathers,
And wiggle my ass while you spank it."
"Now that your fingers are stinky,
Tie me up in some chains that are clinky...
Bring in some goats and a sheik,
Give my big titties a tweak,
And now, we can start getting kinky!"
"Forget what the chain and the whip meant,
Get the straps and the slings and a shipment
Of high-grade Vaseline,
And a strong trampoline,
And all of that other equipment!"
"Now, when we get the bedsprings a strummin',
That's when I'll start in a hummin',
Then quickly, my dear,
Put it into my ear,
So I can hear the sound of it comin'!"
"I don't know how much this is costing,"
Said her student, still covered with frosting,
"But I can say with affinity,
That I've lost my virginity...
Quite frankly, my dear... you're exhausting!"
470-
How bitter was Joseph's existence
When he found that his girl friend's insistence
Meant that he'd have to wed her
Before he could bed her.
She was simply a piece de resistance.
471-
There was a young woman named Vicki
Who said, "I don't want to be picky.
If, in five hours or so
As you say, you must go,
At least we'll have time for a quicky."
472-
As the elevator car left our floor,
Big Sue caught her tits in the door;
She yelled a good deal,
But had they been real,
She'd have yelled considerably more.
473-
A young English lass named Tess
Had herself in a terrible mess
She offered a fuck
For a fresh U.S. buck
But found out she was worth even less.
474-
There was an old maid from Luck,
Who took it into her head to fuck.
She was about to resign
'Till she hung out a sign:
"Come in, I've decided to suck."
475-
A Sailor, Ashore In Peru
Said ''Signora, Quanto Por La Screw?''
''For Only One Peso
I Will, If You Say So,
Be Buggered And Nibble It Too.''
476-
I Just Met A Girl From Peru,
Who Likes Off Beat Places To Screw.
We've Done It On Trains,
In Hammocks, On Planes,
And Next Week We'll Try A Canoe.
477-
There Was An Old Maid In Peru,
Who'd A Dog And A Cat And A Gnu.
From A Sailor Named Harrot
She Bought An Old Parrot,
And He Threw In A Young Cockatoo.
478-
A stallion was going insane
While flirting with fillies in vain.
Said the horse, named Hilyer,
"Your pace looks familiar,
But I cannot remember your mane."
479-
There Was A Young Man From Australia,
Who Went On A Wild Bacchanalia.
He Buggered A Frog,
Two Mice And A Dog,
And A Bishop In Fullest Regalia.
480-
A young exhibitionist Kay,
Having tossed all her panties away,
Has invited us lads
(Via newspaper ads)
To a pubic performance today.
481-
My missus, back when we were young,
Asked the doctor to fix her torn lung;
When asked how it ripped,
She replied as she stripped,
"Doc, that man I just married is hung!"
482-
We know cunnilingus is grand,
But what I cannot understand,
Who was the first guy,
To give it a try...?
I think we should give him a hand!
483-
My back aches, my penis is sore,
I simply can't fuck anymore.
I'm dripping with sweat,
And you haven't come yet,
And, my God! It's a quarter to four!
484-
A transvestite from Lyford-By-Tyne
Was in court for a horrific crime,
Said, "Your honour, oh no!
It cannot be so
For I was a broad at the time.
485-
One drink is my limit
Two at the very mostest
Three I'm under the table
Four and I'm on the hostess
486-
A farmer I know named O'Doole
Has a long and incredible tool.
He can use it to plough,
Or to diddle a cow,
Or just as a cue stick for pool.
487-
Little Bo Peep, has lost her sheep,
And doesn't know where to find 'em...
But a search revealed,
They were out in the field,
With Little Boy Blue behind 'em.
488-
VADA VE GONNA DO ???
Voolvorth store, I got complaint
About one can of ten-cent paint
My vife, she buy in your damn store
an now, by crype, I plenty sore !!
You see, last veek the spring she come
an everything vas on the hum.
Der walls und floor, der vindows too,
she's dirty like hell I'm tella you.
My vife, she's clean an mighty neat
so she buy paint for toilet seat.
An one whole veek ve vatch vith eye,
but got damn paint she no get dry.
I say to vife, it serve you right!
to try to be so money tight.
Dat ten-cent paint, she no damn good
she vont get dry on dat damn wood.
My daughter, she get ring around
vhen on toilet seat she sit down.
For one hole veek ve stand and vait
und now we all got contispate.
Voolworth, we know not vhat to do !
You got to eat, und some go through.
When pains come on, I almost faint
und squirm and cuss dot got damn paint
My vife got sister named Marie
she live all time in house with me.
You know how sex raise lovely head
I sneak sometimes in Marie's bed.
Last night, I look where she sit down
und there she got the ring around.
Und now from dat hot tailed Marie
I got white ring on front of me.
I try to vipe vith turpentine,
I howl like volf, und lose my mind.
I'm scared to death both night und day,
from vife there vill be hell to pay.
Now Mr. Voolworth, I aksa you
just vhat der hell ve gonna do ??
How can our home be nice and neat,
if your %@#$* paint no dry on toilet seat.
489-
When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me till me ass was red,
Me Mudder!
Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee when I could not,
Me Mudder!
And when the morning light would come
And in me crib me dribbled some
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum,
Me Mudder!
Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart,
Me Mudder!
Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me shit ,
Me Mudder!
When at night her bed did squeak
Me raised me head to have a peek
Who yelled at me to go to sleep,
Me Fadder!
490-
There was a young man from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her,
When they got into bed
He cried, God strike me dead!
This ain't a puss - it's a corridor!"
491-
The bishop of Winchester Junction
Found his phallus would no longer function.
So in black crepe he wound it,
Tied a lily around it,
And solemnly gave it last unction.
492-
A gallant young Frenchman named Grandhomme
Was attempting a girl on a tandem.
At the height of the make
She slammed on the brake,
And scattered his semen at random
493-
There was a young girl from Odessa,
A rather unblushing transgressor.
When sent to the priest
The lewd little beast
Began to undress her confessor.
494-
There was a young man of Dumfries
Who said to his girl, "If you please,
It would give me great bliss
If, while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these!"
495
There was a young girl from Uganda,
Renowned for her coolness and candour.
When, during abuse,
Someone said, "You goose!"
She quickly retorted, "Uganda!"
496-
An astronomer slept in the sun,
Then woke with his fly quite undone.
He remarked, with a smile,
"Hoorah! A sundial!
And it's now a quarter past one."
497-
A certain young person of Ghent,
Uncertain if lady or gent,
Shows his organs at large,
For a small handling charge,
To assist him in paying the rent.
498-
Said an ovum one night to a sperm,
"You're a very attractive young germ.
Come join me my sweet,
Let our nuclei meet,
And in nine months we'll both come to term."
499-
There was a young lady of Bicester,
She was nicer by far than her sister;
The sister would giggle,
And wiggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.
500-
There was a young woman named Susan
Who found it completely amusin'
To make love to three men
Although who did what when
Was frequently rather confusin'.
501-
Thanks to sex, a young woman named Carol
Looked delightful in model's apparel.
The slimming effect
Was best, I suspect,
When her man had her over a barrel.
502-
A weary old lecher named Blott
Took a luscious young blonde on his yacht.
Too lazy to rape her,
He made darts out of paper,
Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
503-
"I'll tell you," smiled prom chairman Mose,
"Why Peggy's the prom queen I chose:
She's as cheerfully free
As the wind on the sea -
And besides, like the wind, Peggy blows!"
504-
There was a young laundress named Wrangle,
Whose breasts tilted up at an angle.
"They may tickle my chin,"
She said with a grin,
"But at least they keep out of the mangle."
505-
There was a young lady of Wilde
Who kept herself quite undefiled
By thinking of Jesus,
Contagious diseases,
And the bother of having a child.
506-
A maestro directing in Rome
Had a quaint way of driving it home.
Whoever he climbed
Had to keep her tail timed
To the beat of his old metronome.
507-
There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "That isn't your finger?"
508-
There was an old man of Tagore
Whose tool was a yard long or more,
So he wore the damn thing
In a surgical sling
To keep it from wiping the floor.
509-
While Greeley was fucking Miss Klutz,
She said as he plunged in his putz,
"Do you love me dear Greeley?"
He answered, "Not really,
I just wanted to blow off my nuts"
510-
This beautiful harlot from Lubies,
Won fame for possessing two rubies.
It's not big red stones,
That makes her so known,
It's the nipples on her mountainous, white boobies!
511-
There was a young harlot of Crete
Whose fucking was far, far too fleet.
So they tied down her ass
With a long ton of brass
To give them a much longer treat.
When the Nazis landed in Crete
The young harlot had to compete
With the many Storm Troopers
Who were using their poopers
For other things than to excrete.
Our subversive young harlot of Crete
Was led to fifth-column deceit.
When the paratroops landed
Her trade she expanded
By at once going down on their meat.
Then here was this harlot of Crete
She decided to be very neat.
She said, "I'm too high class
To ream common ass,
And I'll wash every prick that I eat."
And at last this young harlot of Crete
Was hawking her meat in the street.
Ambling out one fine day
In a casual way
She clapped up the whole British fleet.
512-
There once was a couple named Kelly
Who walked around belly-to-belly.
It seems in their haste,
They used Carter's paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
513-
Though I don't carry all that much girth
Fucking women is Heaven on Earth
When up go their knees
And the way that they squeeze
Just milks me for all that it's worth!
514-
There once was a lady from France
Who took a long train ride by chance.
The engineer fucked her
Before the conductor
While the fireman came in his pants.
515-
There once was a girl they called Trish
Who was quite a delectable dish
Men savoured her lips
Then brought bags of chips
For her pussy smelt strongly of fish
516-
There once was a fellow named Ben,
Who was aroused by the sheep in the pen,
Though he knew it's forbidden,
He was quite parasite ridden,
From trying it every now and then.
517-
Suzie Wong and her sister looked tight
When they laid Mr. Wright one hot night
He resisted just one
But a pair?.. Too much fun
Which is how two Wongs made a Wright.
518-
There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she'd a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
519-
There was a young lady named Mabel
Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
Then cry to her man,
'Stuff in all you can -
Get your bollocks in, too, if you're able.'
520-
There was a young woman named Melanie
Who was asked by a man, "Do you sell any?"
She replied, "No, siree,
I give it for free
To sell it, dear sir, is a felony."
521-
I once loved a woman named Gert,
Who climbed mountain peaks in a skirt,
She said, "It feels nice,
On the steep rocks and ice,
And it keeps those below more alert!"
522-
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket.
And every time the lamb got out,
The dog would try to .....
Put it back into the bucket!
523-
There was a young Scot in Madrid
Who got fifty-five lays for a quid.
When they said, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."
524-
A lassie got married in Leicester.
Her mother kissed her and blessed her.
Said she, "you're in luck,
He's a bloody good fuck,
For I've screwed him myself down in Chester.
525-
There was a young girl called Bianca
Who slept while her ship lay at anchor.
She awoke with dismay,
When she heard the mate say,
"Hi! Hoist up the top sheet and spanker!"
526-
There was a young
barmaid called Valerie
Who started to count every calorie.
Said her boss in disgust,
"If you lose half your bust,
Then you're worth only half of your salary."
527-
"A sermon", thought Father O'Flynn,
"I should write 'bout The Evils Of Sin...
But my mind is a blank,
So I'll sit here and wank,
'Til some new inspirations begin."
His housekeeper, taken aback,
Cried, "Oh Father! It's sinful to wack!"
So she whipped off her scanties,
(Her bra and her panties)
And guided him into her crack.
"Lord Jesus!" cried Father O'Flynn,
"Inspiration at last to begin!"
As his housekeeper dribbled
He grabbed paper and scribbled
His sermon: 'The Pleasures Of Sin'.
528-
There was a young lady from Ealing
Who has an incredible feeling
She laid on her back
And open her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling
529-
In the kitchen he wanted to boff her.
Satisfaction he tried to proffer.
She replied, "I am sold,
But the floor is too cold."
So he made her a counter-offer.
530-
There's a fire at a circus. A man
Sees the flames and devises a plan.
The heat is in tents,
The pressure immense.
He is doing asbestos he can.
531-
There was a young engineer named Miss Holt,
Who had an assistant as spry as a Colt.
When she asked for a screw,
What did the young man do,
But offer her two nuts and a bolt.
532-
An opera tenor in Rio
Had vocal cords where he did pee-o.
As he jerked on his dong
It broke into a song,
Most notably, "O Solo Mio."
533-
When a corpulent spinster named Snow
Was approached by a dwarf for a blow,
She replied, "I have pride!
Your request is denied!
I could never, sir, stoop quite that low!"
534-
A young polo-player of Berkeley
Made love to his sweetheart berserkly.
In the midst of each chukka
He would break off and fuck her
Horizontally, laterally and vertically.
535-
This is the tale of Freddy Law
whose sexual equipment got jammed in the door.
By the time they freed him, he didn't feel well
for his private parts were mangled to hell.
They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew,
but when they arrived, there's nought they could do.
What a bad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
to live with no sex and a high squeaking voice.
But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool,
some bright spark suggested a "Bionic Tool".
A smart new electric one, made out of brass,
though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse.
Now newly equipped and after a rest,
Fred thought he would put the tool to the test.
So finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
supplied her with drink and made her feel randy
She, without waiting, put her hand in Fred's flies,
as she felt what was there, gave a cry of surprise.
"That's my Bionic Chopper. Now lets have some fun".
"Cor blimey" she said, "It felt like a gun."
They both stripped quick and Fred entered her fast,
he turned up the control knob and gave her full blast.
They clung to each other as Fred's dick shook some more,
then they bounced off the bed and onto the floor.
Now the pace hotted up and they started to choke,
as the room became filled with blue dirty smoke.
With a bang Fred's left bollock shot up in the air,
and his other one went bonkety-bonk down the stair.
So back for repair went Fred full of woe,
Was this how his sex life was destined to go ?
To return to his doctor at the end of each shag
with his tool in his pocket and his balls in a bag ?
But they fixed up young Fred, made him manly again,
for they boosted his batteries with a flex from the main.
So if he can't get a girl, now poor Fred doesn't cry,
he just flicks on the switch and jerks himself dry
536-
An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand seizure
And broke both his balls and a lamp.
537-
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell,
As a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
538-
Aussie Poem
The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs, the float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.
He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense, "They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."
The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt she'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown. Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim He saw no other option, he
would have to take a swim.
He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam. He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam
The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.
She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.
The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea but nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.
He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch the farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"
The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!
539-
There was a young woman from Lymm
Who had such a ginormous quim
It wasn't the size, that attracted the flies
It was crystallised cum round the rim
540-
A habit obscene and unsavoury
holds the Bishop of Bath in slavery,
with maniacal howls he deflowers young owls
which he keeps in an underground aviary.
541-
Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,
Liked to screw with a friendly Israeli.
Just the thought of his schmuck
Got her ready to fuck,
Which they did six or seven times daily.
542-
A daredevil skater named Lowe
Leaps barrels arranged in the snow
But is proudest of doing
Some incredible screwing,
Since he's jumped 13 girls in a row!
543-
This beautiful harlot from Lubies,
Won fame for possessing two rubies.
It's not big red stones,
That makes her so known,
It's the nipples on her mountainous, white boobies!
544-
The wife of the raider Von Luckner
Admitted her husband was stuckner.
She oft went to sea with him
In order to be with him,
And to give him the pleasure of fuckner.
545-
There once was a slimmer named Steen
Who grew so phenomenally lean
And flat, and compressed,
That his back touched his chest,
So that sideways he couldn't be seen.
546-
Mary, as we know, had a little lamb;
The poor midwife was astounded!
Mary had always liked her Ram;
Her desires never had been bounded!
547-
There's an oversexed lady named Whyte,
Who insists on a dozen a night.
A fellow named Cheddar,
Had the brashness to wed her...
His chance of survival is slight.
548-
Were you a more elegant chap,
I'd ask to sit down on your lap
Cross-legg'd, like a swami
For 'hide the salami',
But it seems that you're ill with the clap!
549-
A horny old trapper named Rex
Liked the risks of wild porcupine sex.
By incredible luck
His dick never got stuck,
But his nuts were just pitiful wrecks.
550-
Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and slouch.
You can't take your women
Canoein' or swimmin',
But a lot can be done on a couch.
551-
Gershwin enjoyed the caress
Of the cows that he kept and I guess
Out of all of the herd
Which he screwed he preferred
To be stuffing his porky in Bess
552-
There was a young cowboy named Lancelot
Whom his friends all looked on askance a lot
Whenever he'd pass
A presentable lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot
553-
A randy young fellow named Yates
Went out drinking and searching for mates
But the girls in the bars
Had the worst acne scars
And the guy just abhors pitted dates
554-
That guy from Wisconsin right there
Wrote this ode to his mate in despair
"I left you in bliss
But, Boy do I miss
The sweet smell of your dairy air"
555-
A farmer I know named O'Doole
Has a long and incredible tool.
He can use it to plough,
Or to diddle a cow,
Or just as a cue stick for pool.
556-
Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed,
Little Bo Peep was giving him head,
As soon as he came she started to weep,
She knew by the taste he'd been fucking her sheep.
557-
There was a young lady named Gloria,
Who was goosed by Sir Oswald Du Maurier...
And then by six men,
Sir Oswald again,
And the band at the Waldorf Astoria!
558-
There Once Was A Man From Peru
Who Was Desperately Hanging Out For A Screw.
He Picked Up A Moll
And Rammed Home His Pole
Then Said, `Jesus, That Was Long Overdue.'
559-
There Was A Young Girl From Peru,
Who Badly Wanted A Screw.
She Tried A Broom-Handle
And The End Of A Candle,
But Threw Them Away For A Jew.
560-
There Was A Young Girl From Peru,
Who Had Nothing Whatever To Do.
So She Sat On The Stairs,
And Counted Cunt Hairs;
Four Thousand, Three Hundred And Two.
561-
There Was A Young Girl From Peru,
Who Regretted Her Lovers Were Few.
So She Walked From Her Door,
With A Fig Leaf, No More.
And Now She's In Bed With The Flu.
562-
There once was a midget named Lee
Whose girlfriend was 6 foot 3
When she took off her clothes
And started to pose
He came like a train on her knee
563-
The lass I brought home was a prize,
With that sexy look in her eyes,
Her breasts, so well kept,
Were what I'd expect,
But her penis was quite a surprise
564-
Gershwin enjoyed the caress
Of the cows that he kept and I guess
Out of all of the herd
Which he screwed he preferred
To be stuffing his porky in Bess
565-
S & M Poem
Whip me, beat me, make me bleed.
Brutal sex is what I need!
Bang my head against the wall.
I like pain, damn it all!
If you do me, do me right.
Take those straps and tie 'em tight!
Twist my balls and make me cry.
Oh that brutal sex, it gets me high!
Shove a hamster up my ass.
Way up far, so it can't pass!
Yank my pubic hair one by one.
Yank 'em slow, it makes me cum!
Tie me up with dental floss.
You really know how to be the boss!
Dump chocolate pudding down my pants.
Hook electrodes to my balls and watch me dance!
Pierce my nipples with a railroad spike.
Use no anaesthetic, it's what I like!
After that last sadistic punch,
Whatever you do.....
don't
don't
don't
Make me watch the fucking Brady Bunch!
Even for *ME* that's too much!
566-
How bitter was Joseph's existence
When he found that his girl friend's insistence
Meant that he'd have to wed her
Before he could bed her.
She was simply a piece de resistance.
567-
There was a young girl from Balmoral
Whose habits were highly immoral.
For the price of a dime
She took three at a time,
One fore, one aft, and one oral
568-
An ingenious botanist named Pace,
Grew cunts in pots at his place.
When they ripened, he'd pluck 'em
And eat them or fuck them--
They were simpler to grow than to chase.
569-
I went out to make chicken soup
I boiled up my pot near the coop
And grabbed up a hen
Then quick tossed her in
Job's done in one mighty fowl swoop
570-
There once was a girl named Straight
Whose pussy smelled like bait!
Whenever Jeff pounds her
The room reeks of flounder
Her twat, she needs to refrigerate.
571-
There once was a lady from Wooster
Who dreamt that a man had seduced her
She awoke with a scream
To find 'twas a dream
And a bump in the mattress had goosed her.
572-
There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighbourhood scandal
By coming out bare
On the main village square
And massaging herself with a candle
573-
There was a young lady called Brewer
And hundreds of fellows went through 'er
The smell from her prat
Killed a fucking great rat
Who'd lived all his life in a sewer
574-
There was a young woman of Sydney
Who could take it clear up to the kidney.
But the thrust of Alphonse
Barely reached to her mons
So he left her unsatisfied, didney?
575-
There was a young dolly named Molly
Who thought that to frig was folly.
Said she, "Your pee-pee
Means nothing to me,
But I'll do it just to be jolly."
576-
There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
Said he, "You be buggered!
I like to fuck slow, and I shall."
577-
There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her.
To cry, when you came,
"Oh dear! What a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over."
578-
Ginger was feeling quite gruff
'Til he placed his head in her muff
Then she purred like a kitty
When his tongue hit her clitty
Saying, "I just can't get enough!"
579-
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
she thinks they went to Buckingham
but when they were found
they were all gagged and bound
and Little Boy Blue was fucking'em
580-
A modern cinegraphic emporium,
Is not just a super-sensorium,
When the mood is terrific,
It's an ultra specific
Mutual masterbatorium
581-
On the day of his wedding, the male
Should not peek at his bride, says the tale
So try as he might
To keep her in sight
It all really is to know a veil
582-
A neurotic young playboy named Gleason
Liked boys for no tangible reason
A frontal lobotomy
All but cured him of sodomy
But ruined his plans for the season.
583-
A soldier's wife slipped from the garrison
And had an affair with a Tim Harrison.
She was not over-sexed
Or jealous or vexed
She just wanted to make a comparison.
584-
A singer named Ursula Greville
Had a lousy affair with the devil
Her bush was so thick
It obstructed his prick
So he sent for the Barber of Seville
585-
In marriage there's often a glitch,
When you find out you married a bitch,
She once was quite nice,
All sugar and spice,
Now she's an evil old witch
586-
There was an old woman from Kent
Who went to a football event
She sat near the goal
And opened her hole
One guess as to where the ball went?
587-
The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame--
A discharge is a wonderful thing.
588-
A sweet 'tater said, "Oh, yes ma'am,
I'm sentient, and don't give a damn.
You may think that it's jive;
But it's not; I'm alive!
I think, and so I yam."
589-
There was a young fellow named Paul
Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
But the size of my prick
Is God's dirtiest trick,
For my girls always ask, "Is that all?"
590-
A young wife without memorandum,
Made appointments completely at random
Since if two dates got mixed
It was easily fixed
By letting them screw her in tandem
591-
"I love ORGANS," she said, "Even kidney.
I've had sweetbreads from Brisbane to Sidney
A good serving of liver
Will set me aquiver,
Just like Tom and his organ: Well, didn' he?"
"There are giblets that go in a stew,
And chittlin's appeal to a few
You can start with some heart
And end up with the part
That's best shared just between me and you."
"The stores will no longer sell lung,
nor cojones from a bull that's well-hung;
And there isn't much hype
About kidney or tripe,
But I truly ADORE some good tongue!"
592-
A weary old lecher named Blott
Took a luscious young blonde on his yacht
Too lazy to rape her
he made darts out of paper
Which he leisurely tossed at her twat
593-
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack off the young men she loves
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves
594-
There once was a woman from New Zealand
Who had a peculiar feeling
She laid on her back
And tickled her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling
595-
With his pecker stretched limp on the floor
And his wife still imploring for more
He said, "Ten hours of screwing
Have been my undoing
I simply can't fuck anymore!"
596-
There was a young gypsy girl Rose
With obsessions for gentlemens' hose.
Up her pussy, her rear,
In her mouth and each ear
And her cute little freckle-tipped nose.
597-
There once was a young man from Rhode Isle
Who said jogging just wasn't his style
"I'll get my workouts," he said.
While at home in my bed,
'Cos a Miss is as good as a mile."
598-
Hey look; it's the orifice girls
Wearing naught but a grin and some pearls.
They go about whorin'
So don't put your oar in,
You don't know what's under their curls
599-
"A void where some bone should exist
Caused the growth of this lump in your wrist,"
Said the Doc. "There's no hurry,
So stop all your worry!
I'll help you to cease and de-cyst."
600-
There once was a girl named Hannah,
Got caught in a flood in Montana,
As she floated away,
Her beau, so they say,
Accompanied her on the piana.
601-
There once was a dentist named Stone
Who saw all his patients alone.
In a fit of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
And my, how his practice has grown!
602-
There was a young whore from Kilkenny,
Who charged two fucks for a penny,
For half of that sum,
You could bugger her bum,
An economy practiced by many
603-
There once was a whore on the dock
From dusk until dawn she sucked cock
'Til one day it's said
She gave so much head
She exploded and whitewashed the block
604-
An Odd Nephew Of Hildy Von Ringen
Was Convicted At Easter Of Singin'
Bawdy Songs During Mass
And Of Baring His Ass
While The Bells In The Sanctus Were Ringin'.
605-
A Flatulent Nun From Hawaii,
One Easter Eve Supped On Papaya;
Then Honoured The Passover,
By Turning Her Ass Over,
And Obliging With Handel's Messiah.
606-
There was an old man called Reg
Who decided to trim his hedge
He'd had a few beers
Slipped with his shears
And cut off his meat and two veg
607-
There was a young woman named Maud
Who found herself now and then floored
--Or bedded, or chaired,
Or top of the staired--
Oh, well, it's the life of a broad.
608-
A lovely French girl from Calais
Looks great in her sheer negligee.
Delightful and chaste
She would just suit the taste
Of the typical Gallic gourmet.
609-
An ingenious botanist named Pace,
Grew cunts in pots at his place.
When they ripened, he'd pluck 'em
And eat them or fuck them--
'Cause they were simpler to grow than to chase.
610-
There was a young lady from China
Who mistook for her mouth her vagina.
Her clitoris huge
She covered with rouge
And lipsticked her labia minor.
611-
A mystical painter named Foxx
Once picked up a girl on the docks.
He made an elliptic
Mysterious triptych,
And painted it right on her box.
612-
Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and slouch.
You can't take your women
Canoein' or swimmin',
But a lot can be done on a couch.
613-
It always delights me at Hank's
To walk up the old river banks.
One time in the grass
I stepped on an ass,
And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
614-
There was a young idler named Blood,
Made a fortune performing at stud,
With a fifteen-inch peter,
A double-beat metre,
And a load like the Biblical Flood.
615-
There once was a man named Eugene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
616-
A young English lass named Tess
Got herself in a terrible mess
She offered a fuck
For a fresh U.S. buck
But found out she was worth even less.
617-
A guy with his girl in a Fiat
Said, "Where on earth is my key at?"
As he started to seek
She let out a shriek
"THAT'S NOT where it's likely to be at!"
618-
All the lady-apes ran from King Kong
For his dong was unspeakably long.
But a friendly giraffe
Quaffed his yard and a half,
And ecstatically burst into song.
619-
As the elevator car left our floor,
Big Sue caught her tits in the door;
She yelled a good deal,
But had they been real,
She'd have yelled considerably more.
620-
There was a wee man called Hank,
Who went to school in a tank,
His teacher came out,
Hit him a clout,
He said "fuck off i’m havin a wank".
621-
My neighbour thinks he’s a monk,
But to me he gave a big gonk,
While out earning my pay,
My wife he did lay,
And covered her face with spunk.
622-
Always pissed I loved my lass Betty,
Both bladdered we wed on a jetty,
But I gave up the beer,
And saw her so clear,
"HOLY FUCK" she looked like a Yeti.
623-
There Was A Young Lady Of Boston,
Who Thought She Was Raped In An Austin,
But The Truth Is, My Dears,
She Sat On The Gears,
And A Traffic Cop Kicked The Exhaust In.
624-
There Was A Young Lady Of Mass.
Rather Lacking, We All Thought, In Class.
She Would Stroll Boston Common,
And Whenever She Saw Men,
She'd Whimper, ''Please, Sir, Make A Pass.''
625-
Top 15 rejected mothers day cards
15. I love you when you're happy.
I love you when you're sad.
I love you though you told me,
The milkman is my dad.
14. Roses are red, my childhood was blue.
Get out of my basement -- Your rent is past due.
13. The cards in the store
Were just too full of sex,
But I thought, "What the hell."
Love, Oedipus Rex
12. There once was a woman named Mother,
Who always did favor my brother.
But now that he's dead,
Mother senses with dread
That *her* nursing home's worse than the others.
11. You stood up to my father's kin,
their many threats of extortion.
Thanks for having me, Mother Dear,
instead of an abortion.
10. Dear Mom, in your Mother's Day card,
Is a question that you may find hard:
If Dad went astray,
If he left, as you say,
Who's that buried in the back yard?
9. Mom you're so great, Mom you're so cool.
Please don't send me, to an Arkansas school.
8. I know my Mom's a test tube.
I'm a sheep, not an ignorant rube.
No real Mom could be better,
She'd just wind up a sweater,
Adorning some debutante's boobs.
7. When I was born, you became a mom,
and gave me lots of joy and lovin'.
But now, I need to come back home --
I've got my *own* bun in the oven.
6. For my (almost) Fifth Stepmother:
Congrats to you, my almost-Mom,
You've nearly won the war...
Unlike all the other tramps
Dad picks up in the bar!
5. I'm going to Denmark, Mother, Dear,
For some changes of which you'll learn.
You always wanted a little girl --
Well, you'll have one when I return.
4. Your girlish figure disappears,
With each bite that you chew.
You now look worse in lingerie,
Than dear old Uncle Lou.
3. You've lovingly looked after me
Since I was just a baby,
So now I don't resent the fact
That both my moms are ladies.
2. I think of you, dear Mother,
as I'm in my cell, alone,
And miss the way you always made
our crack house a crack home.
1. You probably won't even listen,
You may still think, "How *could* he?"
But no card's as heartfelt as this 'un.
Best wishes, Soon-Yi and Woody
626-
A car race announcer named Niven,
To a question this answer was given.
"I would just like to know
What impels them to go
So fast." He replied, "They are driven
627-
A Rabbi Who Lived In Peru,
Was Vainly Attempting To Screw.
His Wife Said, ''Oy Vey!
If You Keep On This Way,
The Messiah Will Come Before You.
628-
There Was An Old Maid In Peru,
Who'd A Dog And A Cat And A Gnu.
From A Sailor Named Harrot
She Bought An Old Parrot,
And He Threw In A Young Cockatoo.
629-
There Were Three Young Men In Peru
A German, A Bugger, A Jew
The German He Buggered
The Bugger, The Bugger
The Bugger, He Buggered The Jew
630-
My brother is a bit of a shit,
All my life my nuts he did hit,
But when he did wed,
I hid in his bed,
And chewed his smelly wife's clit.
631-
A team playing baseball in Dallas.
Called the umpire bad names out of malice.
While that worthy had fits,
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
632-
Were you a more elegant chap,
I'd ask to sit down on your lap
Cross-legg'd, like a swami
For 'hide the salami',
But it seems that you're ill with the clap!
633-
This is the tale of young Freddie Bloor,
whose sexual equipment got jammed in a door.
The firemen arrived on the scene, double quick
But alas were too late to save poor Freddie's dick.
By the time they freed him he didn't feel well
for his private parts were mangled to hell.
They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew
but when they arrived there was nowt they could do.
What a sad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
to a life with no sex and a high squeaky voice,
But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool
some bright spark suggested a bionic tool.
A bright new electric one made out of brass,
though the batteries would have to be kept up his ass.
So newly equipped and after a rest,
Fred thought he would put his new tool to the test.
Finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
he piled her with drink and made her feel randy.
The girl without waiting, put her hand in his flies,
when she felt what was there gave a cry of surprise.
"That's my bionic chopper, now let's have some fun!",
"Cor blimey!", she said, "It feels like a gun!"
They both stripped off quick and Fred entered her fast,
and he turned up the speed knob and gave her full blast.
They clutched tight to each other as Fred's dick shook some more,
then they shook off the bed and rolled onto the floor. Now the part
hotted up and they started to choke as the air in the room became
filled with blue smoke.
With a bang Fred's left bollock shot up in the air
and his other went plonkety plonk down the stair.
So back for repair went poor Fred, full of woe,
was this how his sex life was destined to go?
A return to the doctor at the end of each shag
with his prick in his pocket and his balls in a bag.
But they fixed young Fred up, made him manly again,
and they helped out the batteries with a flex for the main,
So if the batteries run out, it's still quite alright,
Cos he's now got a mains lead and can go it all night,
And if he can't get a girl, lucky Fred doesn't cry,
cos he's now AC/DC and can go with a guy.
634-
There was an old Duchess from Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
Notwithstanding her station, and high education,
She always spelled cunt with a K.
635-
There was a young fellow of Strensall,
Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
On the night of his wedding,
It went through the bedding,
And shattered the chamber utensil.
636-
There was a young lady of Michigan,
Who said, "Damn it! I've got the itch again."
Said her mother, "That's strange,
I'm surprised it ain't mange,
If you've slept with that son-of-a-bitch again."
637-
Whilst engaging in sexual contortions
Without taking the usual precautions,
Ermintrude
Let a sperm intrude.
Does anyone here do abortions?
638-
Jack and Jill Went up the hill,
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass,
and grabbed her ass,
Now his two front teeth are missing.
639-
Sheila's Wheels (Man's Version)
Fellas, aren't you glad you're not a woman
You're not a Sheila,
You're a Peter or a Clive
Because their lack of spatial awareness
Makes them really fucking careless
You should never ever let a woman drive.
When a girl is sitting at the wheel
You're gonna hear the crunch of steel,
There's a very real danger that she'll crash into a stranger,
If you want to leave the car alive
Never let a woman drive.
If you ever let a bird reverse
You're gonna end up in a hearse,
You're in massive fucking peril if your driver's name is Cheryl,
If you want to leave the car alive
Never let a woman drive.
640-
In one little whorehouse I've been
I sampled the charms of Maureen
Affection I sought
But something I caught
Was turning my gonads to green
I wouldn't think that was so bad
As the sweet little thing that I had
In gay old Paris --
What she gave to me
Has turned my poor gonads to plaid
641-
There was a young lady of Bicester
Who was hotter by far than her sister.
The sister would giggle
And wiggle and jiggle
But the hot one would cum if you kissed her!
642-
Victoria said, "We've no quarrel
With Shakespeare, but this is immoral!
His Measure for Measure
Incurs our displeasure;
We don't do such things at Balmoral."
643-
I'm in love with a girl from Uttoxeter,
An exquisite and passionate cock-sitter;
With her prehensile hole,
She envelopes my pole,
And then squirms up and down as my rocks hit her.
644-
There was a young fellow called Runyon
Whose penis developed a bunion.
With every erection,
This painful infection,
Gave off a strong odour of onion.
645-
Mary had a little lamb
she took it to a wedding
she stood it up against a wall
and kicked its fucking head in.
646-
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
647-
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh shit, it's Global Warming.
648-
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.
649-
There was a young bishop from Trest,
Who openly practiced incest.
"My sisters and nieces,
Are all dandy pieces,
And don't cost a cent," he confessed.
650-
There was a young man of Adair
Who thought he would diddle a mare.
He climbed up a ladder
And jolly well had her,
With his backside a-wave in the air.
651-
There was a young woman named Susan
Who found it completely amusin'
To make love to three men
Although who did what when
Was frequently rather confusin'.
652-
Thanks to sex, a young woman named Carol
Looked delightful in model's apparel.
The slimming effect
Was best, I suspect,
When her man had her over a barrel.
653-
There was a young man from Hong Kong
Who had a trifurcated prong:
A small one for sucking,
A large one for fucking,
And a honey for beating a gong.
654-
"I'll admit," said a lady called Barr,
"That a penis is like a cigar;
But, in general, to people
A phallic church steeple
Is stretching the subject too far."
655-
There was a young girl named O'Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
She got roars of applause
When she kicked off her drawers
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
656-
A Salvation lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
"I wish to be opened with prayer."
657-
And nothing could make a man madder
Than losing to some woman's bladder
I see them some nights
All hitting the heights
That no man could reach with a ladder
658-
St. David of Wales is unique
But not for the words he would speak
Or the life that he led;
He's, oddly, instead
Remembered for taking a leek.
659-
"I'm sick of Tchaikovsky", said May,
"And this Handel and Bach that we play."
So she put down her fiddle,
And diddled her middle;
"It's time for Depussy I say."
660-
There was a young nudist from Denver
Who had an unusual member;
It was stiff as Jello
When the weather was mellow.
But a popsicle every December!
661-
It seemed all was well for old Bill
For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating
But alas--she was not on the pill.
662-
Softly seductive young Brenda
Wants a man who is sweet, kind, and tender,
And thoughtful and bright
And sexually right
But mostly a very big spender.
663-
Young Alice is known for her poise
During quiet foreplay with the boys.
But then when she has 'em
At the brink of orgasm,
You can't hear yourself think for the noise.
664-
A carpenter living in Crewe,
Who had nothing whatever to do,
Once assisted a whore
With the hinge of her door,
But he made her pay for the screw.
665-
Daddy told me long ago,
"Son, don't play with your dick.
Your teeth will rot, your nose will grow,
It's sure to make you sick."
"Your palms will get all hairy,
Or so I've heard it said.
You'll grow up to be a fairy
Just like your uncle Ned."
"Your bones will crack, your skin will crawl
Your back will always ache.
You won't grow more than four feet tall.
Your knees will start to shake."
"Your tongue will get all mushy,
Your hair will all turn green,
And then you'll lose your tushy
Before you turn thirteen."
"Your ears will flop, your eyes will cross,
Your crotch will start to smell.
Your brain will turn to applesauce.
You'll die and go to hell."
"And if they ask me how you died,
I'll tell them you were sick.
But in my heart I'll know I lied.
It's 'cause you pulled your prick!"
Daddy went to work this morn
And Mummy's in the kitchen.
I think I'll get out Daddy's porn
And give myself a twitchin'.
666-
If skirts get any shorter,
Said the fairy to the gnome,
I'll have two more cheeks to powder,
And a lot more hair to comb.
667-
A man from the Washington Post
Once had it off with a ghost;
At the height of orgasm
The pale ectoplasm
Shrieked: "Coming! I'm coming...almost!"
668-
A publisher went off to France
In search of a tale of romance.
A Parisian lady
Told a story so shady,
The publisher made an advance.
669-
Little Bo Peep, has lost her sheep,
And doesn't know where to find 'em...
But a search revealed,
They were out in the field,
With Little Boy Blue behind 'em.
670-
A Mathematician called Hall
Had a very remarkable ball
The sum of its weight was the square root of eight
plus three times the square of sod all.
671-
"A sermon", thought Father O'Flynn,
"I should write 'bout The Evils Of Sin...
But my mind is a blank,
So I'll sit here and wank,
'Til some new inspirations begin."
His housekeeper, taken aback,
Cried, "Oh Father! It's sinful to wack!"
So she whipped off her scanties,
(Her bra and her panties)
And guided him into her crack.
"Lord Jesus!" cried Father O'Flynn,
"Inspiration at last to begin!"
As his housekeeper dribbled
He grabbed paper and scribbled
His sermon: 'The Pleasures Of Sin'.
672-
There was a young fellow named Simon,
Who tried to discover a hymen,
But he found every girl,
Had relinquished her pearl
In exchange for a solitaire diamond.
673-
A lissome psychotic named Jane
Once kissed every man on a train;
Said she: "Please don't panic!
I'm just nymphomanic.
It wouldn't be fun were I sane."
674-
Ginger was feeling quite gruff
'Til he placed his head in her muff
Then she purred like a kitty
When his tongue hit her clitty
Saying, "I just cannot get enough!"
675-
There was
a young man of Datchet
Who cut off his prick with a hatchet.
Then very politely
He sent it to Whitely,
And ordered a cunt that would match it.
676-
A neurotic young playboy named Gleason
Liked boys for no tangible reason
A frontal lobotomy
All but cured him of sodomy
But ruined his plans for the season.
677-
A soldier's wife slipped from the garrison
And had an affair with a Tim Harrison.
She was not over-sexed
Or jealous or vexed
She just wanted to make a comparison.
678-
There was a young fellow named Pell
Who didn't like cunt very well.
He would finger and fuck one,
But never would suck one---
He just couldn't get used to the smell.
679-
There was a young girl from Seattle
Who got her kicks sucking off cattle,
'til a bull from the South
Popped a load in her mouth
That made both her ovaries rattle.
680-
So well stacked was the new coed named Brenda
All the studs wanted to part her pudenda
But, to their dismay
they discover her first lay
Was not Tom, Dick ,or Harry, but, Glenda
681-
There was a young maid from Aberystwyth,
Who took grain to the mill to make grist with.
The miller's son, Jack,
Threw her flat on her back,
And united the organs they pissed with.
682-
Said my Sally, out back of the shed,
"That's all of THIS, Johnny boy, 'till we're wed
'Cause what we just did
Could result in a kid,
And besides, I'd prefer it in bed.
683-
Said a cow in the pasture, "My dear,
There isn't much romance around here.
I start with high hopes
But meet only dopes,
And I end with the usual bum steer."
684-
A taxi cab whore out at Ivor
Did the round trip for a fiver
Quite reasonable too
For a sightsee and screw
With a fifty pence tip to the driver.
685-
An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand seizure
And broke both his balls and a lamp.
686-
With increasingly throbbing delight
Your caresses will set me alight;
And I'll soon reach the peak,
That I eagerly seek...
Then I'll snore for the rest of the night.
687-
My wife Myrtle's womb has a habit
Of expanding whenever I stab it.
What's more, my wife Myrtle
Is so wonderously fertile,
That she's giving me kids like a rabbit.
688-
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire a shit out of malice.
While this worthy had fits
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
689-
There once was a hacker named Ken,
Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
So he built him some chicks,
Out of silicone chips,
And hasn't been heard from since then.
690-
There was a young man named Keith,
who liked to be fondled beneath.
When she used her lips,
He wiggled his hips,
But not when the bitch used her teeth.
691-
There was a young woman from Wild,
Who kept herself quite undefiled,
By thinking of Jesus...
Contagious diseases....
And the bother of having a child.
692-
There was a young lady of Gloucester,
Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
She wasn't much hurt,
But he dirtied her skirt,
So think of the anguish it cost her.
693-
There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
By coming out bare
On the main village square
And massaging herself with a candle.
694-
No bananas she said, with a sigh,
And a tear trickled down from her eye.
No cukes, no zucchinis,
No Oscar Meyer weenies,
"I'll have to go find me a guy."
695-
A woman who lived near Cape Fear
Would always most carefully steer
Past men whom she saw,
But was brought to the floor,
By a well-timed attack from the rear.
696-
When limerick writers convene,
Their reason for making the scene
Is to make tepid jokes,
Meant for church going folks,
Into verses perverse and obscene.
697-
Some girls beg & some girls borrow,
Some girls lead & some girls follow,
Some bring joy & some bring sorrow,
But all the best girls suck then swallow.
698-
My trouser-snake stands up and cheers
When confronted with boobs in brassieres;
But, in charming my cobra,
The bosom with no bra
Can almost reduce it to tears.
699-
The model climbed up the ladder,
As Titian, the painter, had bade her
Then her position
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had her
700-
There was a young man of L'Hore
Whose dink was one inch and no more
Which was all right for keyholes
And little girls' pee holes
But no good at all with a whore
701-
~Valentines messages~
Roses can run,
Violets can walk,
Lube up your shitter
and sit on my cock.
Roses are sure,
Violets are certain,
Il stick my penis
in your meaty curtains.
Roses are amazing,
Violets are the man,
But I’m even cooler
'cos I shagged your gran ;)
Roses are skinny,
Violets are thinner,
Gobble my penis
and then cook my dinner.
Roses have beauty,
Violets have grace,
Its valentines day
let me come in your face.
702-
Little Bo Peep fucked a sheep
blew a horse, licked his feet,
she ate his ass so very nice
tongued his balls not once but twice.
703-
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
704-
There was a young man from Baroda
Who wouldn't pay a whore what he owed her
Midst thunderous applause
She pulled down her drawers
And pissed in his whisky and soda
705-
Mrs. Drac shortly after her wedding
Was forced to wash all of her bedding
Seems she'd been a virgin
And Drac was no surgeon
So there'd been a bit of blood letting.
706-
Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
"You must seize it, and squeeze it,
And tease it, and please it,
For Rome wasn't built in a day."
707-
There was a young lady from Cheam
Who tried out a breast-growing cream
She awoke in the night
With a terrible fright
Another had grown in between!
708-
Softly seductive young Brenda
Wants a man who is sweet, kind, and tender,
And thoughtful and bright
And sexually right
But mostly a very big spender.
709-
There once was a woman, Monique,
Who proclaimed an efficient technique:
"One fuck daily's just right."
She did seven one night,
And then found that it made her hole weak.
710-
There once was a man from Peru.
Who's limericks stopped at line two.
711-
There was a young man from Gosham
Who took out his bollocks to wash ' em
His wife said Jack, if you don't put ' em back
I'll stand on the bastards and squash ' em
712-
In the shade of the old apple tree
I got all that was coming to me.
In the soft dewy grass
Had a fine piece of ass
From a maiden that's so fine to see.
713-
It seemed all was well for old Bill
For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating
But alas--she was not on the pill.
714-
My dental hygienist, Faye Ray,
Said, "Travis, eat pussy each day;
Your gums will be stronger,
Your teeth will last longer,
Coz pussy prevents tooth decay!"
715-
An uncertain young woman named Fern
Was so great she had lovers to burn.
She got into bed
With both Johnnie and Fred
And didn't know which way to turn.
716-
The climax, when Josie engages,
Is postponed for what seems to be ages.
Out of self-preservation
And to banish frustration
She has three or four fellows--in stages.
717-
Today he is feeling such lust,
He knows very soon that he must
See if wife's in the mood.
He'll suggest something lewd,
And hope that his wife gets his thrust.
718-
A lecherous fellow named Gould
Soliloquized thus to his tool:
"From Cape Cod to Salamanca,
You've had pox, clap, and chancre
Now ain't you a bloody great fool
719-
The Bishop of Tedburn St Just
Was consumed with insatiable lust.
He buggered six fowls,
Three startled owls
And a little green lizard that bust.
720-
There once was a slimmer named Steen
Who grew so phenomenally lean
And flat, and compressed,
That his back touched his chest,
So that sideways he couldn't be seen.
721-
There was a young woman named Maud
Who found herself now and then floored
--Or bedded, or chaired,
Or top of the staired--
Oh, well, it's the life of a broad.
722-
Last
Christmas I got some toy soldiers,
To play with when I'm in bed,
But I got bored with my sergeants and majors,
So I played with my privates instead.
723-
An insatiable woman named Dee
said, "There are never enough men for me!"
"So instead of just one
I'll finally have fun,
and triple my pleasure with three!"
724-
A girl of uncertain nativity
Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
While she sat on the lap
Of a German or Jap,
She could sense Fifth Column activity
725-
A Rabbi from Peru
Was vainly attempting to screw
His wife said "Oy vey"
If you keep up this way
The Messiah will come before you
726-
Said Mary, "I do beg your pardon,
But I once had a tree in my garden,
With a trunk long and thick,
But I have to admit,
'Twas nothing, compared to John's hard'un..."
727-
A girl who hiked o'er the land
Once showed me a trick with her hand.
She zipped down her pants,
Adjusted her stance,
And peed out my name in the sand!
728-
It's easy to please young Miss Flattery,
She wants not a hat from the hattery,
Nor shoes alligator,
But for her vibrator,
She's thrilled with the gift of a battery.
729-
JACK AND JILL
Jack and Jill Went up the hill,
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass,
And now two of his front teeth are missing.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill,
Each one had a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents,
Do you think they went for water?
Jack and Jill went up the hill
For a bit of hanky panky,
Jill came back with a very sore crack,
Jack must have been a Yankee!
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
For just an itty bitty.
Jill is now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill forgot to take the pill,
So now they've got a daughter.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
With a little keg of brandy.
Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed,
Now it's Jack, and Jill, and Andy.
730-
There was a young girl from Hoboken
Who said that her hymen was broken
From riding her bike
Down a cobblestone pike
When it really was broken from pokin'
731-
Two fairies were flitting one day
In the meadow where they liked to play
When the male made a pass
At the other (a lass),
Showing not quite all fairies are gay.
732-
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell,
As a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
733-
There was a young lady from Maine
Who declared she'd a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view
And the way her waist grew,
It was not on her mind that he'd lain.
734-
There once was a miss from Wake Forest
Who had a gigantic clitoris.
Most people, you see,
Thought her name was Marie,
But her intimates knew her as Horace.
735-
I once loved a woman named Gert,
Who climbed mountain peaks in a skirt,
She said, "It feels nice,
On the steep rocks and ice,
And it keeps those below more alert!"
736-
This is the tale of Freddy Law
whose sexual equipment got jammed in the door.
By the time they freed him, he didn't feel well
for his private parts were mangled to hell.
They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew,
but when they arrived, there's nought they could do.
What a bad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
to live with no sex and a high squeaking voice.
But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool,
some bright spark suggested a "Bionic Tool".
A smart new electric one, made out of brass,
though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse.
Now newly equipped and after a rest,
Fred thought he would put the tool to the test.
So finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
supplied her with drink and made her feel randy
She, without waiting, put her hand in Fred's flies,
as she felt what was there, gave a cry of surprise.
"That's my Bionic Chopper. Now lets have some fun".
"Cor blimey" she said, "It felt like a gun."
They both stripped quick and Fred entered her fast,
he turned up the control knob and gave her full blast.
They clung to each other as Fred's dick shook some more,
then they bounced off the bed and onto the floor.
Now the pace hotted up and they started to choke,
as the room became filled with blue dirty smoke.
With a bang Fred's left bullock shot up in the air,
and his other one went bonkety-bonk down the stair.
So back for repair went Fred full of woe,
Was this how his sex life was destined to go ?
To return to his doctor at the end of each shag
with his tool in his pocket and his balls in a bag ?
But they fixed up young Fred, made him manly again,
for they boosted his batteries with a flex from the main.
So if he cant get a girl, now poor Fred doesn't cry,
he just flicks on the switch and jerks himself dry.
737-
There was a young fellow named Pell
Who didn't like cunt very well.
He would finger and fuck one,
But never would suck one---
He just couldn't get used to the smell.
738-
I'm not irredeemably vile
So I've given up sex for a while
(Though I have to admit I've a penchant for tit,
Nipples, pussies and ladies with style.)
739-
In her youth, exhibitionist Annie
Was frequently spanked by her nanny.
That is why, to this day,
Some psychiatrists say
She is fond of exposing her fanny.
740-
Said an irate young whore in Hong Kong,
"I think you are utterly wrong
To say my vagina's
The largest in China
Just because of your mean little dong."
741-
There once was a man from Calcutta
Who took a sly peep through a shutter.
But all he could see
was his wife's twitching knee
And the arse of the man that was up her
742-
There once was a queer named Feeney
Who liked to pour gin on his weenie,
In a moment uncouth,
He poured on vermouth
And slipped his friend Dan a martini.
743-
Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed,
Little Bo Peep was giving him head,
As soon as he came she started to weep,
She knew by the taste he'd been fucking her sheep.
744-
Said a thoughtful young stud of Brasilia,
"One orgasmic spasm would fillya,
So I'll just let the rest
Gush out on your chest;
If I shot it inside it'd killya."
745-
Mary, Mary, quite contrary.
How does your garden grow?
"Listen, you brat.
I live in a flat.
How the fuck should I know?"
746-
Little Miss Druggy sat in her buggy,
Smoking an ounce of weed.
Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her
And sold her a pound of speed.
747-
There once was a fellow named Ben,
Who was aroused by the sheep in the pen,
Though he knew it's forbidden,
He was quite parasite ridden,
From trying it every now and then.
748-
There was a young girl named Sapphire,
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
749-
A policeman from
Lewish junction
Who's penis had long ceased to function.
Deceived his wife. For the rest of her life,
By intelligent use of his truncheon!
750-
Said an ovum one night to a sperm,
"You're a very attractive young germ.
Come join me my sweet,
Let our nuclei meet,
And in nine months we'll both come to term."
751-
Gershwin enjoyed the caress
Of the cows that he kept and I guess
Out of all of the herd
Which he screwed he preferred
To be stuffing his porky in Bess
752-
All the lady-apes ran from King Kong
For his dong was unspeakably long.
But a friendly giraffe
Quaffed his yard and a half,
And ecstatically burst into song.
753-
I ran into a lady one night
Whose pussy said Gimme a bite
If I had my pick
I'd give it a lick
or maybe a nibble so light
754-
There Was A Young Lady Of Mass.
Rather Lacking, We All Thought, In Class.
She Would Stroll Boston Common,
And Whenever She Saw Men,
She'd Whimper, ''Please, Sir, Make A Pass.''
755-
There was a young fella from Astor...
Who... while boffing the wife of the pastor...
Said with a grin...
As he started to sin...
I'd have the daughter too had I but asked her!
756-
A sprightly young gal in Pompeii
Used to make fifty drachma per lay.
But age dimmed her renown,
And now she lies down
Fifty times for the same pay.
757-
A grey-haired American professor
Met a beat-up old whore from Odessa
She applied all her arts
To his genital parts
But they only grew lesser and lesser.
758-
Said a busy young whore named Miss Randalls,
As men by the dozens she handles,
"When I get this busy
My cunt gets all jizzy
And it runs down my legs like wax candles."
759-
There once was a man named Hyatt,
Who's sexual habits were a riot,
From horses to hens,
To mices and mens,
If it had a hole, he would try it.
760-
I chase all the girls when I'm spunky
A five day a week sexual junky
I tend not to stray
On Tues- or Wednesday
On those nights I spank my own monkey.
761-
There once was a lady from Hyde,
Who ate a green apple and died,
While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented,
and made cider inside her inside.
762-
That wily old pervert St. Nick
Made good use of the curve to his dick.
He glazed the whole shaft
Painted stripes, then he laughed
As he offered young ladies a lick.
763-
The night started with hot sexual talk,
As they screwed they lost track of the clock.
Throughout the next day,
They continued to play,
Until neither were able to walk!
764-
There was a young girl from Peru,
Who noticed her lovers were few;
So she walked out her door
With a fig leaf, no more,
And now she's in bed -- with the flu!
765-
There is a young woman from Riga
With morals depressingly meager,
She's seduced twice a week
By a lecherous Greek
If "seduced" is the word when she's eager.
766-
If continence causes neurosis
And intercourse causes thrombosis
I'd rather expire
Fulfilling desire
Than live in a state of psychosis.
767-
They will pass out free condoms, you know,
But not sex toys for women, and so
If a dildo's desired,
It can sure be acquired,
But you'll need to use cash called dil-dough.
768-
There was a young dolly named Molly
Who thought that to frig was folly.
Said she, "Your pee-pee
Means nothing to me,
But I'll do it just to be jolly."
769-
There was a young fellow named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
Said, "Don't bow out your lips
Like an elephant's hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker."
770-
There was a young lady called Harris,
That nothing could ever embarrass;
Till the bath-salts one day
In the tub where she lay
Turned out to be plaster of paris.
771-
Inflatable You
Your love for me is not debatable
Your sexual appetite is insatiable
You never ever make me waitable
Delectable, inflatable you.
You don't have problems with your weight at all
You never steal food off my plate at all
I never have to masturbate at all
Unstoppable, inflatable you.
You never seem to menstruate at all
So you're not angry when I'm late at all
I feel permanently fellatable
Unpoppable, inflatable you.
With you in my arms I feel we could just fly away
With the right kind of gas I might even try it some day
In this ocean of life I'm never afraid we might drown
We could just float forever whatever the weather
Whenever my inflatable lover's around.
Your thighs and buttocks are so holdable
You always do what you are toldable
And if we argue you just foldable
Controllable consolable you.
My mates all reckon you are suitable
I took you round to watch the footable
And Steve and Gary said you're rootable
Commutable, refutable you.
You're never sensitive or tickley
When I rub you my skin goes prickerly
It's know an static electricity
Felicity when I'm kissing you.
Your skin is so smooth - I couldn't afford you with hair
You have all the holes real girls have got plus one for the air
Your problems are simple, I don't need my Masters in Psych
To know if you get down I just perk you right up
With a couple of squirts from the pump off my bike.
You never wake up when I snore at all
A trait which I find quite adorable
You have a box and you are storable
Ignorable, back-doorable you.
Any sexual position's feasible
Although you don't bend at the knees at all
Your hooters are so firm and squeezable
Increasable, un-creasable you.
You don't complain about my hairy back
Or about the inches that downstairs I lack
You're not disgusted by my furry crack
Burt Bacharach, Jack Kerouac ooo.
Now birth control is not an issue
I clean it all up with a tissue
I bet my jealous friend all wish you
Were insatiably inflatably theirs.
Don't let me down.
Don't let me down.
Don't let me down.
And I won't let you down.
772-
"Asylum for the Verbally Insane"
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted,
but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks
who grew up speaking English should be committed
to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same?
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop,
how come Mother is not Mop?
773-
Welsh Prayer
I be a farmer
My name be Bob
I'm widely renowned
for the size of my nob
too big for the wife
it just makes her weep
but just the right size
for me cows and me sheep
774-
There was a young lady named Nelly,
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly,
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly.
775-
On the day of his wedding, the male
Should not peek at his bride, says the tale
So try as he might
To keep her in sight
It all really is to know a veil.
776-
Said A Certain Young Woman Named Amy,
'I Am Seeking A Fellow To Tame Me,
And Teach Me The Newer
Mad Routes To L'amour
For To Stay Virgin Longer, Will Shame Me.'
777
Nursery Rhymes for modern kids:-
It's Raining, It's Pouring
Oh shit, it's Global Warming.
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
778-
I met this fine lady on the Cape
Who had a wee bit to much grape
An' thought sex might just be fine
Til she took the measure of mine
An' was left with her mouth agape
779-
The bishop of Winchester Junction
Found his phallus would no longer function.
So in black crepe he wound it,
Tied a lily around it,
And solemnly gave it last unction.
780-
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
She said to her beau,
"Hey, look at me, Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way."
781-
There was a young girl from Odessa,
A rather unblushing transgressor.
When sent to the priest
The lewd little beast
Began to undress her confessor.
782-
A strange young fellow from Leeds,
Rashly swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of fine grass,
Sprouted out of his ass,
And his balls were covered with weeds.
783-
Said a dainty young whore named Miss Meggs,
"The men like to spread my two legs,
Then slip in between,
If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs."
784-
There was a young student called Jones,
Who'd reduce any maiden to moans,
By his wonderful knowledge,
Acquired in college,
Of nineteen erogenous zones.
785-
I fucked sweet little Ellie,
God it was good!
I fucked her brother too,
Beats pulling my pud!
786-
Roses are shit,
Violets are poo.
I've got Tourettes,
so cunt, wank, fuck you.
787-
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Get down on your knees
And give me some head
788-
There was an old sculptor named Phidias
Whose knowledge of art was invidious.
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie---
Which startled the purely fastidious.
789-
A gallant young Frenchman named Grandhomme
Was attempting a girl on a tandem.
At the height of the make
She slammed on the brake,
And scattered his semen at random
790-
A destitute lady named Laker
Accosted and fucked a lewd Quaker.
When she asked him for bread,
He smiled sagely and said,
"If thee wisheth bread, fuck a baker."
791-
A Young Bride And Groom Of Australia,
Remarked As They Joined Genitalia:
Though The System Seems Odd,
We Are Thankful That God
Developed The Class Mammalia.
792-
"I love ORGANS," she said, "Even kidney.
I've had sweetbreads from Brisbane to Sidney
A good serving of liver
Will set me aquiver,
Just like Tom and his organ: Well, didn' he?"
"There are giblets that go in a stew,
And chittlin's appeal to a few
You can start with some heart
And end up with the part
That's best shared just between me and you."
"The stores will no longer sell lung,
nor cojones from a bull that's well-hung;
And there isn't much hype
About kidney or tripe,
But I truly ADORE some good tongue!"
793-
A neurotic young playboy named Gleason
Liked boys for no tangible reason
A frontal lobotomy
All but cured him of sodomy
But ruined his plans for the season.
794-
A soldier's wife slipped from the garrison
And had an affair with a Tim Harrison.
She was not over-sexed
Or jealous or vexed
She just wanted to make a comparison.
795-
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn't the knack,
And he got too far back --
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
796-
There once was a woman from Latch,
Who jacked herself off with a match.
She got so excited,
The damn thing ignited,
And burnt all the hair off her snatch.
797-
A sweet 'tater said, "Oh, yes ma'am,
I'm sentient, and don't give a damn.
You may think that it's jive;
But it's not; I'm alive!
I think, and so I yam."
798-
Young Alice is known for her poise
During quiet foreplay with the boys.
But then when she has 'em
At the brink of orgasm,
You can't hear yourself think for the noise.
799-
An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
She was finally the prize
Of a man twice her size
And all she recalls is the ache.
800-
A methodical fellow named Wade,
Could recall every girl that he'd laid.
He recorded each poke,
Every thrust, every stroke,
And precisely how much he'd been paid.
801-
Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,
Liked to screw with a friendly Israeli.
Just the thought of his schmuck
Got her ready to fuck,
Which they did six or seven times daily.
802-
There was a young lady from China,
Who had an enormous vagina,
And when she was dead,
They painted it red,
And used it for docking a liner.
803-
There was a young lady named Erin
Who asked, "Why are all the men starin'?"
Her mother said, "Honey,
It's 'cause you look funny,
And there's a distinct lack of clothes that you're wearin'!"
804-
There once was a man from Bombay
Who ate gallons of beans every day
He farted so loud,
He attracted a crowd
But the smell made them all run away.
805-
To temptation I'm quick to submit
I regret many sins, I admit
Yet this is no boast:
I regret the most
Those sins that I failed to commit!
806-
Two fairies were flitting one day
In the meadow where they liked to play
When the male made a pass
At the other (a lass),
Showing not quite all fairies are gay.
807-
Tim Had Traveled To Peru
In Search Of The Ultimate Screw.
When His Trip Was Complete,
He Zipped Up His Meat
And Said To The Ladies, ''Thank You!''
808-
There once was a poor man named Crocket
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
So she cranked on the switch,
And Crocket took off like a rocket!
809-
There once was a woman from New Zealand
Who had a peculiar feeling
She laid on her back
And tickled her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling
810-
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn't the knack,
And he got too far back --
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
811-
There was a young lady named Gloria,
Who was goosed by Sir Oswald Du Maurier...
And then by six men,
Sir Oswald again,
And the band at the Waldorf Astoria!
812-
There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pig shit and snot
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat
813-
There was a young trucker named Briard
Who had a young whore that he hired
To fuck when not trucking
But trucking plus fucking
Got him so fucking tired he got fired.
814-
There once was a girl from the chorus
Whose virtue was said to be porous
She started by candling
And ended by handling
The whole clientele of a whorehouse.
815-
Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed,
Little Bo Peep was giving him head,
As soon as he came she started to weep,
She knew by the taste he'd been fucking her sheep.
816-
Two lesbians north of the town
Made sixty-nine love on the ground.
Their unbridled lust
Leaked out in the dust
And made so much mud that they drowned.
817-
There was a young man of Khartoum
Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
He not only fucked her,
But buggered and sucked her,
And left her to pay for the room.
818-
There once was a whore on the dock
From dusk until dawn she sucked cock
'Til one day it's said
She gave so much head
She exploded and whitewashed the block
819-
An Odd Nephew Of Hildy Von Ringen
Was Convicted On Easter Of Singin'
Bawdy Songs During Mass
And Of Baring His Ass
While The Bells In The Sanctus Were Ringin'.
820-
A Flatulent Nun From Hawaii,
One Easter Eve Supped On Papaya;
Then Honored The Passover,
By Turning Her Ass Over,
And Obliging With Handel's Messiah.
821-
There was an old man called Reg
Who decided to trim his hedge
He'd had a few beers
Slipped with his shears
And cut off his meat and two veg
822-
A methodical fellow named Wade,
Could recall every girl that he'd laid.
He recorded each poke,
Every thrust, every stroke,
And precisely how much he'd been paid.
823-
There once was a miss from Wake Forest
Who had a gigantic clitoris.
Most people, you see,
Thought her name was Marie,
But her intimates knew her as Horace.
824-
There once was a woman named Nancy,
Who waltzed with a man they called Clancey.
Soon after the dance,
He pulled down her silk pants,
Proceeding to tickle her fancy.
825-
A horny young woman named Kate,
Had hoped for a really hot date.
But despite lots of kissing,
His erection was missing;
So next time she'll just masturbate.
826-
A dapper young bachelor, Paul,
Quite gay, he could be found in all
The best public loos
And never refuse
Your call on the wall of the stall.
827-
There once was a girl named Madonna
To all the boys she asked, "Do ya wanna?"
Warren Beatty said no,
And called her a "Ho"
Now she cries and smokes marijuana.
828-
There once was a man from Las Lever
Who had intercourse with a beaver;
The result of the fuck was a canvas-back duck,
Two canoes and a golden retriever!
829-
There was a young woman named Vicki
Who said, "I don't want to be picky.
If, in five hours or so
As you say, you must go,
At least we'll have time for a quickie."
830-
There was a young lady from Riga
Who had an affair with a tiger.
The result of the fuck
Was a paralysed duck,
Two goats and a circumcised spider.
Poor girl! Her long labour
Was described by a neighbour
Like Frankenstein climbing the Eiger.
831-
There was a young man of Mumbai
Who ravished a sow in her sty.
He was deeply offended
To note, when he’d ended,
She’d been lying there just watching the sky.
832-
There was a young chap from out yonder
Who buggered a big anaconda,
He regretted this crime
For the rest of his time,
While the reptile grew fonder and fonder.
833-
Said a whore to the priest of Cahors,
“You’re the worst lay in all Perigord.
You smell and you’re drunk
And I’m covered in spunk
And – bon Dieu! – there’s the Pope at the door!
834-
There was a young girl of Baroda
Who built herself a pagoda.
The walls of its halls
Were hung with the balls
And the tools of the fools that bestrode her.
835-
There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born;
And he wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
836-
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
She said to her beau:
“Just look at me, Joe,
I think I’ve discovered one more way.”
837-
There was a young man of Adair
Who thought he would diddle a mare.
He climbed up a ladder
And jolly well had her,
With his backside a-wave in the air.
838-
She wasn't really exceptionally pretty
But attractive enough not to pity
None in town would have guessed
Names of those for paternity tests
That involved half the men in the city
839-
There was a young man from Maine
Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
It was almost as long,
So he strolled with his dong
Extended in sunshine and rain.
840-
There Was A Young Lady Of Boston,
Who Thought She Was Raped In An Austin,
But The Truth Is, My Dears,
She Sat On The Gears,
And A Traffic Cop Kick The Exhaust In.
841-
There Was A Young Lady Of Mass.
Rather Lacking, We All Thought, In Class.
She Would Stroll Boston Common,
And Whenever She Saw Men,
She'd Whimper, ''Please, Sir, Make A Pass.''
842-
There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch,
Had a catch that would latch;
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
843-
I started writing poetry the other day:
POETR
That's coming along nicely.
844-
A lascivious fellow called Lees
Loved to give his poor cock a long squeeze.
This continual friction
Made real sex a mere fiction,
But the callous hung down to his knees.
845-
There was a young maid from Aberystwyth,
Who took grain to the mill to make grist with.
The miller's son, Jack,
Threw her flat on her back,
And united the organs they pissed with.
846-
There was a young lady whose joys
Were achieved with incomparable poise.
She could have an orgasm
With never a spasm---
She could fart without making a noise.
847-
There was a young parson from Harridge,
Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. She said,
"No, you young goose,
Just try self-abuse,
And the other we'll try after marriage."
848-
Song for Pervs
Dildoes and corsets and Chainmail Bikinis
Black Leather cages you lock on your weenies
Fetish and fashion and pierced nipple rings
These are a few of my favourite things ...
When the lash bites
When the crop stings
When it hits the Spot
I simply remember my favourite things
And it makes me feel ... so hot!!
Wrist cuffs and collars and straps of black leather
Chrome chains and Padlocks to hold them together
Tease whips and gags sort the girls from the boys
These are a few of my favourite toys ...
Nip Clips and Clit clips and Ball gags and Blindfolds
Dildoes and butt plugs to stop up your assholes
Enema pipes and some new "KY" gel
All delivered in brown paper, so the neighbours can't tell ...
Bottle green panties like the girls wore in school
A brief French maids outfit to make your mouth drool
Black halter tops and a PVC skirt
And a long leather whip ... Oh yes, that will hurt!!
Floggers and paddles and crops of black leather
Rubber and latex are fun in all weather
Canes of rattan that deliver a sting
All these and more are my favourite things!!!
When the lash bites
When the crop stings
When it hits the Spot
I simply remember my favourite things
And it makes me feel ... so hot!!
849-
Once took the Duchess to tea
She was tense as a person could be.
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal . .
And everyone thought it was me!
850-
There was a young man from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her,
When they got into bed
He cried, God strike me dead!
This ain't a puss - its a corridor!"
851-
There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her.
To cry, when you came,
"Oh dear! What a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over."
852-
There was a young stud from Missouri
Who fucked with astonishing fury
'Til taken to court!"
For his vigorous sport,
And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
853-
They say that the way to mens hearts
Is good food from soup to tarts
A chocolate eclair
Will stiffen him there
But too much will give him the farts
854-
There once was an odious brute
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
The result, as you'd guess,
Was a wet, sticky mess,
And a very chafed maiden to boot.
855-
There was a young gypsy girl Rose
With obsessions for gentlemens' hose.
Up her pussy, her rear,
In her mouth and each ear
And her cute little freckle-tipped nose.
856-
I know that you'll think me quite dotty,
But please, no caffeine in the latte!
One simple espresso -
I put on a dress, oh,
And really start acting quite naughty!
857-
There was a young fellow of Strensall,
Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
On the night of his wedding,
It went through the bedding,
And shattered the chamber utensil.
858-
There was a young lady of Michigan,
Who said, "Damn it! I've got the itch again."
Said her mother, "That's strange,
I'm surprised it ain't mange,
If you've slept with that son-of-a-bitch again.
859-
There was a young fool name of Raines,
To get laid, he'd go to great pains,
Never a genius,
He thought with his penis,
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.
860-
A shiftless young fellow of Kent
Had his wife fuck the landlord for rent.
But as she grew older,
The landlord grew colder,
And now they live out in a tent.
861-
Your job this week hasn't borne fruit?
Use this modern technique to earn loot:
Pick a rich guy who's famous,
Allege something heinous,
And file a ten-million-buck suit.
862-
An elderly man was depressed
His sex life was over, he guessed
Then two girls in their teens
Made him cream in his jeans
As he fondled each tender young breast
863-
An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
She was finally the prize
Of a man twice her size
And all she recalls is the ache.
864-
There was a young man named Keith,
Who liked to be fondled beneath,
When she'd start with her lips,
Mmmmm, he'd wiggle his hips...
But not when the bitch used her teeth!
865-
There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her.
To cry, when you came,
"Oh dear! What a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over."
866-
There was a young girl from Uganda,
Renowned for her coolness and candor.
When, during abuse,
Someone said, "You goose!"
She quickly retorted, "Uganda!"
867-
There once was a woman, Monique,
Who proclaimed an efficient technique:
"One fuck daily's just right."
She did seven one night,
And then found that it made her hole weak.
868-
And nothing could make a man madder
Than losing to some woman's bladder
I see them some nights
All hitting the heights
That no man could reach with a ladder
869-
St. David of Wales is unique
But not for the words he would speak
Or the life that he led;
He's, oddly, instead
Remembered for taking a leek.
870-
In one little whorehouse I've been
I sampled the charms of Maureen
Affection I sought
But something I caught
Was turning my gonads to green
I wouldn't think that was so bad
As the sweet little thing that I had
In gay old Paris --
What she gave to me
Has turned my poor gonads to plaid
871-
There was a young lady of Ardon,
The tool of whose man wouldn't harden,
Said she with a frown
"I've been sadly let down"
By the tool of a fool in a garden.
872-
There was a young fellow called Shit
A name he disliked quite a bit;
So he changed it to Shite -
A step in the right
Direction, one has to admit.
873-
I'm in love with a girl from Uttoxeter,
An exquisite and passionate cock-sitter;
With her prehensile hole,
She envelopes my pole,
And then squirms up and down as my rocks hit her.
874-
If
I were a cowboy
I'd eat lots of beans.
I'd do lots-o-cussin'
And wear skintight jeans,
Suede boots with high heels
And long pointy toes,
And a shirt with pearl buttons
And a big yellow rose,
And a ten gallon stetson
With a band made of feathers,
And a handcrafted belt
Made of five different leathers,
And a big shiny buckle
Of silver and gold,
And a furry lined vest
So I don't get too cold,
And lizard-skin holsters
With pearl handle guns,
And hard leather chaps
So I don't hurt my buns.
I'd ride a white stallion
And live on the prairie.
Tall in the saddle
And dressed like a fairy.
875-
There once was a villian most feared,
Who tied a lass to a train track then leered,
But he tied her up wrong-ways,
Not cross-ways but long-ways,
And a forty car train disappeared!
876-
There once was a girl from Vancouver
Whose mouth had the strength of a Hoover;
When she turned it on high,
A week would pass by,
Before anyone could remove her.
877-
There was a young monk from Siberia
Whose morals were very inferior.
He did to a nun
What he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a Mother Superior.
878-
There was a man from the War Office
Who got into bed with a whore of his.
She took off her drawers
With many a pause,
But the chap from the Office tore off his.
879-
There was a young bishop from Trest,
Who openly practiced incest.
"My sisters and nieces,
Are all dandy pieces,
And don't cost a cent," he confessed.
880-
There was a young lady of Bicester,
She was nicer by far than her sister;
The sister would giggle,
And wiggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.
881-
There was a young woman named Susan
Who found it completely amusin'
To make love to three men
Although who did what when
Was frequently rather confusin'.
882-
Thanks to sex, a young woman named Carol
Looked delightful in model's apparel.
The slimming effect
Was best, I suspect,
When her man had her over a barrel.
883-
There was a young nun
from Siberia,
Endowed with a virgin interior,
Until an old monk,
Jumped into her bunk,
And now she's the Mother Superior
884-
A sailor went off on the sea
To escape from a Bride-wanna-be;
But she jumped in her dingy
'Cause she missed his thingy -
She caught him and then there were three!
885-
Mulligan's missus was big, fat and mean
A cruel and ugly man-killing machine
She's the type of woman you'd be looking for
If you wanted mercenaries for a guerrilla war
And if he came home from the pub after six
She'd beat him senseless with her thrashing stick
But he was too scared to leave the old bag
He was much too soft and used to wave the white flag
Well, me and the blokes, from down at the pub
We'd had about enough of the way he'd been clubbed
So we banded together, a vigilante team
And we kept him at the pub until seven-fifteen
We pinned him in the corner though he screamed and kicked
"She'll bash me bloody senseless with her thrashing stick!"
"Just have another beer, Bill, she'll be all right.
All of us blokes are gunna' take you home tonight"
So we piled into Darcy's Ute and hit the dirt track
Six clambered in the front and fourteen in the back
And Mulligan was cursin', and screaming he'd be killed
"Then she'll have to kill us all then" we reassured Bill
We pulled up at his house down on Jacaranda Drive
Parked the Ute and piled out and headed on inside
We up the pathway to the door, which opened swift and quick
And his missus came out screaming, and swinging that thrashing stick
She looked like a raging mallee bull, ready for the kill
We formed a human barricade in front of poor old Bill
"If you wanna beat your husband up, then you'll have to get on past us!"
"If that's the way it is," she said, "Take this, you pack of bastards!"
And into us she swung that stick, like Bradman with a bat
Old Jacko copped a hiding first and screamed like a dying cat
She thrashed and flogged the lot of us, half had up and run
So I staggered back to Darcy's Ute and grabbed his old shotgun
"Just put that bloody stick down now!", I shouted out to her
I'll pull this trigger flamin' quick, if'n you don't concur!"
She dropped the stick, I looked around, and saw I was alone
Everyone, 'cept Mulligan, had fled, through fear, back home
I went to pick that old stick up and break it right in half
But she moved not like a heifer, she moved more like a calf
And kicked me quickly in the guts and grabbed the old shotgun
Then said "Get out, you mongrel dog!" and shot me in the bum
Well, you've never seen a man move such, with buckshot in his bum
I near on broke the speed of light, as up the road I run
And the last thing I saw looking back was Mulligan on the ground
Being caned near dead with that big old stick that she'd been wielding 'round
Well the story of that night became a legend in our town
How Mulligan's old missus, knocked twenty of us down
And she's got a thriving business now, wouldn't it make you sick!
She opened a shop and sold our wives a bloody thrashing stick!
So the pub is rather quiet now I think we're still in shock
We have an alarm hooked to the bar, that goes off at six-o'clock
And all us blokes and Mulligan, go screaming for the door
For fear of having to face up to that thrashing stick once more!
886-
Young Alice is known for her poise
During quiet foreplay with the boys.
But then when she has 'em
At the brink of orgasm,
You can't hear yourself think for the noise.
887-
My wife Myrtle's womb has a habit
Of expanding whenever I stab it.
What's more, my wife Myrtle
Is so wondrously fertile,
That she's giving me kids like a rabbit.
888-
There was a young man from Hong Kong
Who had a trifurcated prong:
A small one for sucking,
A large one for fucking,
And a honey for beating a gong.
889-
"I'll admit," said a lady called Barr,
"That a penis is like a cigar;
But, in general, to people
A phallic church steeple
Is stretching the subject too far."
890-
There was a young girl named O'Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
She got roars of applause
When she kicked off her drawers
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
891-
"I'm sick of Tchaikovsky", said May,
"And this Handel and Bach that we play."
So she put down her fiddle,
And diddled her middle;
"It's time for Depussy I say."
892-
There was a young nudist from Denver
Who had an unusual member;
It was stiff as Jello
When the weather was mellow.
But a popsicle every December!
893-
Sing a song of incest,
Imprisoned for a while.
3 inbreds and their mother,
And a paedophile.
When the door was opened,
the kids began to sing.
That dirty rotten bastard,
Fucked us up the ring.
894-
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean -
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
895-
There was an old man of
Tagore
Whose tool was a yard long or more,
So he wore the damn thing
In a surgical sling
To keep it from wiping the floor.
896-
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it,
One day, in a glass,
He saw the hole of his ass,
And then broke his neck trying to fuck it.
897-
A chap they all call Aloysius,
Of his wife and a guy grew suspysius.
And quicker than you'd think
He found them by the sink
But they were only doing the dysius.
898-
There once was a
man name Homer
Who had a kidney stone stuck in his boner.
He did scream and shout
When they yanked that stone out.
And his piss shot all the way to Tacoma!
899-
There was a young whore
from Kilkenny,
Who charged two fucks for a penny,
For half of that sum,
You could bugger her bum,
An economy practised by many.
900-
There once was a man named Ron Rice
Whose privates were ravaged by lice
He scrubbed and he scratched,
But still more were hatched
If you've had it, you know it ain't nice.
901-
There was a man from
Cuba
Who stuck his dick in a tuba
His newly wed bride
Blew on the other side
And his dick flew off to Aruba
902-
There once was a
young girl named Charlotte
Who made extra cash as a harlot
She screwed a producer
Who tried to seduce her
And now she's a Hollywood Starlet!
903-
A Flighty young gal named Melissa
Was careless as hell on the pissa.
One day in the rush,
She was caught in the flush,
And goodness knows all of us missa!
904-
Said the wench to the new Maharajah,
"You are ever-well hung, you old codjah!
It delights me to lay
And be queen for a day,
But the last Maharajah was largah!"
905-
I could hear the dull buzz of the bee
As he sunk his grub hooks into me.
Her ass, it was fine
But the bee just saw mine
In the shade of the old apple tree.
906-
There once was a young masturbator,
Who bought an electric vibrator.
She put it inside,
But the reason she died,
Was its faulty speed regulator!
907-
There was a young student called Jones,
Who'd reduce any maiden to moans,
By his wonderful knowledge,
Acquired in college,
Of nineteen erogenous zones.
908-
The portions of the female that appeal to man’s depravity
Are fashioned with considerable care,
And what at first appears to be a simple little cavity
Is really an elaborate affair.
Now surgeons who have studied all these feminine phenomena
By numerous experiments on dames,
Have taken all the items of the gentle sex’s abdomina
And given them delightful Latin names.
There’s the Vulva, the Vagina and the good old Perineum,
And the Hymen (that is sometimes found in brides),
There’s a lot of little things, oh you would love ‘em could you see ‘em,
The Clitoris, and God knows what besides.
What a shame it is then, when we common people chatter
Of these mysteries of which I have referred,
We use for such a delicate and complicated matter
Such a rude and unattractive little word.
The erudite authorities who study the geography
Of that obscure but entertaining land
Are able to indulge a taste for intricate topography
And view the tasty details close at hand,
But ordinary people, though aware of their existence,
And complexities beneath the public know,
Are normally contented just to view them at a distance
And treat them, roughly speaking, as a show.
And therefore when we laymen probe the secrets of virginity,
(and I do not wish the ladies to affront),
We do not cloud the issue with meticulous Latinity,
But call the whole concern a simple C***
For men have made this useful and intelligent commodity
The subject of innumerable jibes,
And though the name they call it by is something of an oddity
It seems to fit the subject it describes.
909-
There once was a girl
named Straight
Whose pussy smelled like bait!
Whenever Jeff pounds her
The room reeks of flounder
Her twat, she needs to refrigerate.
910-
There once was a lady from Wooster
Who dreamt that a man had seduced her
She awoke with a scream
To find was a dream
And a bump in the mattress had goosed her.
911-
I once met a beautiful Persian
A shy one who needed coercion
So I gave her a smile
And she thought for a while
Then allowed me to make an insertion.
912-
There was a young spaceman from Venus
Who had a prodigious penis
Cried his girlfriend alas
It just came out my ass
And there's still 15 inches between us.
913-
There once was a girl called Heather
Whose fanny was lined with leather
She attracted the boys
By making a noise
Flapping the edges together!!
914-
A smile is a sign of joy.
A hug is a sign of love.
A laugh is a sign of happiness.
And a friend like me???
Shit, that's just a sign of good taste!!
915-
There once was a woman from Latch
Who jacked herself with a match
She got so excited
Then damn thing ignited
And burnt all the hair off her snatch
916-
Said the Vicar to old Bishop Price,
My wife's just had twins,, ain't that nice.
But the Bishop said, "Father,
in future I'd rather,
you abstained, or were not naughty twice."
917-
An exceedingly fat friend of mine,
When asked at what hour he'd dine,
Replied, "At eleven,
At three, five, and seven,
And eight and a quarter past nine.
918-
A macho young swimmer named Dwyer,
Really liked playing with fire.
One night in the dark
He swam with a shark,
And his voice is now two octaves higher.
919-
A neurotic young playboy named Gleason
Liked boys for no tangible reason
A frontal lobotomy
All but cured him of sodomy
But ruined his plans for the season.
920-
There was a young girl from Seattle
Who got her kicks sucking off cattle,
'til a bull from the South
Popped a load in her mouth
That made both her ovaries rattle.
921-
There once was a girl called Louise,
Whose pubes hung down to her knees,
So the crabs in her twat,
Tied her hairs in a plait,
And constructed a flying trapeze
922-
A young wife without memorandum,
Made appointments completely at random
Since if two dates got mixed
It was easily fixed
By letting them screw her in tandem
923-
Your father is your brother
Your sister is your mother
You like to shag each other
The Norwich family.
924-
I once met a beautiful Persian
A shy one who needed coercion;
So I gave her a smile
And she thought for a while,
Then allowed me to make an insertion.
925-
There was a young spaceman from Venus
Who had a prodigious penis.
Cried his girlfriend, "Alas,
It just came out my ass
And there's still 15 inches between us!"
926-
There's a fire at a circus. A man
Sees the flames and devises a plan.
The heat is in tents,
The pressure immense.
He is doing asbestos he can.
927-
A lascivious fellow called Lees
Loved to give his poor cock a long squeeze.
This continual friction
Made real sex a mere fiction,
But the callous hung down to his knees.
928-
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Makes Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks, Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But It Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
929-
There once was a man named Mike.
Who sported an enormous spike.
His girl said with a grin,
"It's hard to get in,
But that's the size that I like"
930-
There once was a woman from Hoboken,
Who claimed her cherry was broken,
From riding a bike,
On a cobblestone pike,
But it really was broken from pokin'!
931-
There once was a woman from Arden,
Who sucked off her man in a garden.
He said, "My dear Flo,
Where does all that stuff go?"
And she said, "MMMMMNG, I beg your pardon?"
932-
There once was a milkman named Schwartz,
Whose cock was all covered with warts.
But women would play,
with his dick anyway,
'cause good ol' Schwartz came in quarts.
933-
A young violinist from Rio,
Was seducing a woman named Cleo;
As she took down her panties,
She said "No 'andantes',
I want this 'allegro con brio'.
934-
I think my teacher is smart
He has such a wonderful heart
He said with a grin
As it rumbled within
That smell in the air is a fart.
935-
Said my Sally, out back of the shed,
"That's all of THIS, Johnny boy, 'till we're wed
'Cause what we just did
Could result in a kid,
And besides, I'd prefer it in bed.
936-
There was a young lady named Alice
Who peed in the presbytery’s chalice
The padre agreed
`Twas done out of need
And not out of Protestant malice.
937-
There was a young man from the Cape,
Who tried to make love to an ape.
The ape said "Stop it you fool,
You're bending your tool,
And pushing my arse out of shape."
938-
A taxi cab whore out at Ivor
Did the round trip for a fiver
Quite reasonable too
For a sightsee and screw
With a fifty pence tip to the driver.
939-
My wife Myrtle's womb has a habit
Of expanding whenever I stab it.
What's more, my wife Myrtle
Is so wondrously fertile,
That she's giving me kids like a rabbit.
940-
I once loved a woman named Gert,
Who climbed mountain peaks in a skirt.
She said, "It feels nice
On the steep rocks and ice,
And it keeps those below more alert!"
941-
When limerick writers convene,
Their reason for making the scene
Is to make tepid jokes,
Meant for church going folks,
Into verses perverse and obscene.
942-
There was a young lady from Cheam
Who tried out a breast-growing cream
She awoke in the night
With a terrible fright
Another had grown in between!
943-
A carpenter living in Crewe,
Who had nothing whatever to do,
Once assisted a whore
With the hinge of her door,
But he made her pay for the screw.
944-
The old perfesser comes in the trailer laughing, and MrsPerfesser wants to know
why.
"Oh, I heard a limerick over at the Piggly Wiggly today," said the old perfesser.
"It's about the funniest dang thing I've ever heard."
MrsPerfesser says, "Well, I like a good laugh too. Let's hear it."
The old perfesser, taken aback, says, "Oh, I can't tell you the limerick, it's
far too dirty. You don't like dirty words."
"It's okay," MrsPerfesser says. "Just replace all the dirtiest words with
'bleep' when you say it."
"Are you sure?" the old perfesser asks. "It's pretty dirty."
"As long as you replace the worst bits with 'bleep,' I can handle it,"
MrsPerfesser says.
"Okay," says the old perfesser, "here goes:
Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep,
Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep,
Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep,
Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep,
Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep fuck."
945-
There was a young man from Baroda
Who wouldn't pay a whore what he owed her
Midst thunderous applause
She pulled down her drawers
And pissed in his whisky and soda.
946-
It seemed all was well for old Bill
For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating
But alas--she was not on the pill.
947-
There was a young lady of Spain
Who took down her pants on a train.
There was a young porter
Who saw more than he orter,
And asked her to do it again.
948-
To temptation I'm quick to submit
I regret many sins, I admit
Yet this is no boast:
I regret the most
Those sins that I failed to commit!
949-
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn't the knack,
And he got too far back --
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
950-
A young steeplejack named Gower,
Needed relief high atop of a tower.
A co-worker said, "Friend,"
Don't piss into the wind,
Or we'll receive an unwelcome shower."
951-
Ro-Ro-Rohypnol,
Till she starts to snore,
Quietly get your tackle out,
And use her like a whore.
952-
There once was a man called Hawking,
Who got very bored of walking,
He got on a scooter,
Attached a computer,
And now it does all of the talking.
953-
The third mate’s name was Slugger,
In port, the wenches he’d plunder,
At sea one day,
He changed his way,
And now he enjoys a good bugger,
954-
Roses are red,
Violets are finer,
Chickens are fowl,
Just like your vagina.
955-
Violets are like Blackcurrant
Roses are like Cherry
While I spent time making this
My wife's gone off with John Terry.
956-
Roses are boring,
Violets are Bland,
You're spending Valentines,
At home with your hand.
957-
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I've got Chlamydia
and now so do you.
958-
Roses are red,
But I like carnations,
You're so crap in bed,
That I fucked your alsations.
959-
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I wanted your sister,
But I guess you'll do.
960-
Roses are red
violets are blue
I've been to the clinic
I think you should too
Happy Valentines.
961-
Roses are red, nuts are brown,
Skirts go up, pants go down,
Body to body, skin to skin,
When its stiff, stick it in,
It goes in dry, comes out wet,
The longer its in, the stronger it gets,
It comes out dripping and starts to sag,
It's not what you think, its a Tetley's teabag.
962-
Roses are gay,
Violets are queer,
Fuck you Valentines day,
Happy Chinese New year!
963-
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Get in the van, I have a knife.
964-
The second mate’s name was Maclean,
He invented a wanking machine,
On the thirty-third stroke,
The bloody thing broke,
And whipped his balls to cream.
965-
Snow White was desperate for a fuck
She went to the woods to try her luck.
She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
and went in for a poke.
Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarfs came marching in,
with a merry song and dance.
Snow White just stood there speechless,
and thought she was in heaven,
originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.
Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"
So down he went onto all fours,
and said "I aint licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"
The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer"
So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.
Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
and due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.
"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.
The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.
With three dwarfs left she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner than he had entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.
"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
that he filled her hairy quim.
The next dwarf rammed his up her,
and shagged her fanny raw,
a dazed Snow White them whimpered.
"That should be against the law."
He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick"
With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"
And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And "cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.
Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.
So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
and how they got their names,
by satisfying Miss Snow White,
and joining in her games.
There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
when you next buy 7-Up
mailto:jokemaster@filthyjokes.freeserve.co.uk