Kids & School 2
241-
So ya see, little Johnny is sitting in class one day, and the teacher is going to go over agricultural stuff, like farms, and what not. So she asks the class how does a farmer tell the weather on his farm, Nobody seems to know,
'cept of course, little Johnny, who's frantically waving his hand with the answer, so she decides to let him try to answer the question.
So little Johnny says: the farmer uses a weather vane to tell the weather!"
Ok, that wasn't so bad, so the teacher then asks the class what kind of animal is the weather vane? again no one but little Johnny seems to know the answer. Reluctantly she lets him answer.
Little Johnny sez with a big ol smile on his face: "why teacher, it's a cock!", well the teacher sighs to herself well after all it is. So next the teacher asks the class: " can anyone tell me why does the farmer use a cock on the barn as a weather vane?"
Of course, the same dumb blank look on all of the kids faces, cept of course, for little Johnny, again she reluctantly allows him to answer the question, knowing she's probably not gonna like the way he phrases it.
Little Johnny stands up in front of the whole class and sez with a really big grin on his face: "Its a cock, cuz as everyone knows if it
were a cunt, the fuckin wind would just blew right thru it!"
242-
A little girl was attending her first wedding, and she whispered to her mother, "How come the bride is wearing white?" The mother, caught off guard, came up with the best answer she could. "Honey, white is the
colour of happiness, and this is the happiest day of her life."
The little girl thought about this for a moment, then said, "So how come the groom is wearing black?"
243-
A little boy walks in on his grandma taking a shower. the little boy says "Grandma! Grandma!, What's that?"
Grandma quickly thinks of something and says
"Why, that's my Beaver,… yeah that's it, my beaver"
The little boy walks off and buys the answer, then the next day the little boy walks in on his mom taking a shower.
The little boy says, "Mommy! Mommy! I know what that is!"
The little boy's mom says "ok... then what is it."
The boys says, "That's your beaver, grandma has one too, but I think hers is dead cos it's tongue was hanging out."
244-
My wife and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home improvement store. She got tired of walking, so I let her ride on my shoulders. As we walked, she began pulling my hair. Although I asked her to stop several times, she kept on. I finally got a little annoyed,
I scolded, "Now, come on...Stop that!"
"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."
245-
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"
The little girl said "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it".
246-
Sharon lives in a block of flats. One afternoon, she starts to worry because she hasn't heard anything for days from the elderly widow who lives next door.
So Sharon says to her son Paul, "Boobalah, be a good boy. Go find out how old Mrs Himmelfarb is?"
A few minutes later, Paul returns.
"Nu?" asks Sharon, "Is she OK?"
"She's fine mum, but she's quite angry with you," replies Paul.
"Angry with me?" says Sharon, "What has she got to be angry about?"
"Well," says Paul, “she said, ... it's none of your business how old she is."
247-
A man, exiting a grocery store, was very surprised when a rather good-looking and perky young lady greeted him cheerfully by saying "Good Evening."
Her face was beaming. At least she was smiling until he gave her that "Who are you?" look.
He couldn't remember having ever seen her before.
Then, she obviously realized that a mistake had been made and apologized.
She explained, "Oh, I'm so sorry. When I first saw you I thought you were the father of one of my children." She walked on her way into the store.
The man was left staring dumbfounded after her. More than a bit puzzled, he thought to himself, "What is the world coming to, an attractive woman who doesn't even keep track of what the father of her children look like."
However, he was also a bit flattered that he might resemble one of her former suitors. But, also hoped that nobody overheard her saying that she mistook him for being the father of one of her children.
A bit panicked, he then thought, "Could I possibly have forgotten a relationship? Could it be that I really fathered a child?" Still stunned, he walked to his car.
He still did not realize, of course, that she was a fifth-grade teacher at a local elementary school.
248-
A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked, "Mummy, are these my brains?"
Mum said, "Not yet, honey."
249-
There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?"
The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch.
Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?"
The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods.
The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches
shorter it would be the perfect penis!"
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Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date
10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?
251-
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Each day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said: "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said: "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said: "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see," he said. "Okay!" So she pulled up her skirt, he looked and said: "That's right you are; better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl: "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches too, I'm starting to get feathers down there as well!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said: "Oh, my God, it's too late for you; you've already got the neck and gizzard!"
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TEACHER: "Brian, what's one plus one?"
The kid holds one hand up and counts two fingers
BRIAN: "Two"
TEACHER: "Good job, what's three plus three?"
The kid holds up both hands and counts off six.
BRIAN: "Six"
TEACHER: "Good job now put your hands in your pocket and tell me what's five plus five?
The kid put his hands in his pocket and starts counting in his head and tells the teacher, "Eleven".
253-
A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.
1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly.
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until one day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."
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A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his mother told him that, "The man puts his penis inside the woman and she gets pregnant."
A few days later, after pondering this for some time, the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child... "Does the man ever get his penis back?"
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Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and
instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.
He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny, he
noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.
"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."
Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my
Grandma wouldn't lie."
256-
Letter to a Mother: A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
Dear Mum,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I have eloped with my new boyfriend; I know how upset you will be but I am truly happy. I have found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that
Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it to sell to support ourselves and our children. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry
Mum, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for I know you will want to get to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mum, it's not true. I'm over at Sarah's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer ... I love you!
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Little Thomas was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out: "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied: "Now, Thomas, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Thomas thinks for a bit, and then says: "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
258-
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
259-
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
microphone: "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron!"
260-
Fat
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied: "but what's growing in your butt?"
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Stages of Motherhood ...
Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your
favourites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
-1st baby: You perish your newborn's clothes, colour-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
262-
One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.
Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off."
263-
In class, the teacher was discussing starvation. She asked volunteers to come up to the chalkboard to draw their idea of starvation.
Although Little Johnny was the only kid in class with his hand up the teacher called on Jose' because she knew better than to call on Little Johnny. So Jose' went up and drew a round circle on the board with a bunch of dots in the circle.
The teacher asks him, "What is that Jose'?"
Jose' replied, "Starvation is when all you have for dinner is a bunch of peas".
The teacher said, "That's great Jose', but not quite what I'm looking for."
She called on Suzy next, even though Little Johnny was the only one with his hand. Suzy went up and drew a circle and
only put 2 dots in it. She explained to the teacher that starvation is only having two peas for dinner.
Again the teacher said, "Well that's great, but not what I was looking for."
Finally she called on Little Johnny even though she knew she'd regret it. Little Johnny came up and drew a big circle and then draws a bunch of scribbled lines in it.
The teacher was thinking, well here it comes. She asked, "O.K. Little Johnny, tell us what your idea of starvation is."
Little Johnny says, "Well, teacher, this circle is a big asshole, and all these scribbles are cob-webs!"
264-
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?" "Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A Jack."
265-
Little Johnny was sitting in his second grade class when he looked out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the school yard. He jumped up and hollered, "Hey, everyone! Look at that!"
The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.
A little girl in the front row said, "Teacher, what was those two dogs doing?
The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the dog on the bottom was helping him get home.
Little Johnny then said, "Teacher, ain't that just like life, you try to help someone out and end up getting screwed?"
266-
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.
The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always Be Polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself.
Then he remembers what his mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!"
267-
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so
the paramedic asked Caitlyn, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Caitlyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Caitlyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Caitlyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."
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Real answers (sic) taken from US school exam papers.
No wonder their army's having troubles in Iraq!
When you breathe, you inspire. When you don't breathe, you expire.
The pistol of a flower is it's only protection against insects.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
For headcolds, use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
The moon is a planet just like Earth, only deader.
Artificial insemination is what the farmer does to the cow instead of the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Equator: A menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
To remove dust from your eye, pull the eye down over your nose.
Momentum. What you give a person when they are going away.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland, because it is not found in a free state.
Three kids of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
Water is composed of two gins, oxygin & hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The body consists of three parts: the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the borax contains the bowls, of which there are five: a-e-i-o and u.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the insides have been taken off.
The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends towards the moon because nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
Germinate: To become a naturalised German.
Before giving a transfusion, find out if the blood is negative or affirmative.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Centimeter: A long insect with 100 legs.
Magnet: Something you find crawling over a dead cat.
H2O is hot water. CO2 is cold water.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the Pope lives.
Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.
To prevent contraception use a condominium.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
269-
A little boy goes to the local drugstore for some condoms. He goes up to the pharmacist and asked him, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are". The pharmacist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?". "Sure do", replied the boy. "They keep you from getting venereal diseases". "Okay", said the pharmacist, "but do you know what the RIBS are for?". The boy thought for a minute, then looked up at the pharmacist and replied, "Well, not exactly, but they sure do make the hair stand up on my goat's back".
270-
The teacher says to her class, "OK, children, I want you all to write an essay on what you would do if you won £1million on the lottery."
At the end of the lesson, Peter hands in a blank piece of paper.
"Peter," says the teacher, "why haven’t you written anything?"
"Because if I had a million pounds, Miss, that's exactly what I would do - nothing."
271-
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run
home if I get lonely in the night."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
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Motherly Wisdom
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER
"After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER
"Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER
"I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER
"Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER
"All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
CUSTER'S MOTHER
"Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER
Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
BARNEY'S MOTHER
"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."
BATMAN'S MOTHER
"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"
GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER
"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER
"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER
"That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER
"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"
273-
Teenage Daughter Owner's Manual
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter.
Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).
If You Feel You Have Received Your Teenager In Error: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:
a. look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
b. refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money?)
c. sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
Break-In Period: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain
behaviours that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these
behaviours, your teenager will start acting even worse.
Activation: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.
Shutdown: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
Cleaning Your Teenaged Daughter: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour.
They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like, I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat."
Teenagers are very busy and simply do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."
Feeding Your Teenaged Daughter: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my
parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod, he is so hot!! Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
Clothing Your Teenaged Daughter: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a
cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
Other Maintenance: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
Warranty: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for
as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -- you just have to look for her.
274-
A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The
Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.
A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped.
The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.
The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!"
275-
"Mom, I'm pregnant." said Wendy.
"How can that be?" Mom replied, "What did I tell you about sex?"
"That I should take measures." Wendy replied.
"Well, did you really take measures, Wendy?"
"Yes! that's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest."
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Fatherly Explanation
Son (S): Why is making love so enjoyable?
Father (F): It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger!!
S: Why do women enjoy sex more than men?
F: It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.
S: Why do women hate it when they get raped?
F: It is like when you are walking on the street, someone else comes over and digs in your nose, do you like it??
S: Why can women not have sex when they are menstruating?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it??
S: Why do men not like to wear condoms when they are making love?
F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger?
S: Why is making love carried out in private?
F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!
S: What is an orgasm?
F: The same as sneezing, but the other way round
S: Is it true that women love big dicks?
F: Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb?
277-
Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out.
"If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.
278-
A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father.
"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.
"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father.
"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."
279-
What did Father say when he learned you're pregnant?" asked little Mary's mother.
Little Mary answered, "Should I leave out the profanity?"
"Yes, of course!" Mary's mum replied.
"Nothing."
280-
Little Jill comes home from playing at Johnny's house.
"Hey Mum, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!"
Mum is understandably confused for a second, then asks, "What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"
"No silly, it's salty!"
281-
Little Johnnie had been fishing in the canal, when he should really have been at school - but it was Art, and he hated Art. So, he went fishing.
He caught several little sticklebacks - the longest almost two inches long. He put them all in a plastic bag, and was heading off home - trying to be home at about the time he should be if he'd stopped only briefly to fish.
He left the canal, and crossed over the river in town. On the far side of the bridge, where it was almost down to the riverbank, was a professional angler, who had a crowd round him. [You could tell he was a professional, because he was from out-of-town, he had all sorts of logos on his clothes, several remarkably expensive-looking rods, and a tackle box that was so big it had wheels!]
The crowd were astonished at the fish the angler had caught - a salmon, over five feet long, and weighing almost as much as the angler. Certainly a national record - and in a river that had hardly seen a salmon since the Industrial Revolution!
Johnnie pushed his way through the crowd.
When he got to the front, he, too, was impressed at the size of the fish, but endeared himself to his fellow-townspeople, by holding up his plastic bag, and calling out - "Only caught the one then?"
282-
For his birthday little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it". The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase, so he asked: "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him: "I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an £80,000 mortgage and no bike!"
283-
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter.
When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches.
The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by"
"Wouldn't you know it, " the boy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"
284-
A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group.
After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do.
She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there.
She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."
The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"
285-
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
286-
Little Esther is talking to her friend Rebecca. “Have you moved into your new house, Rebecca?"
"Yes," replies Rebecca, we moved in last Sunday."
"Do you like it?"
"Oh yes, it’s a much bigger house than the one we had before. We all now have our own bedrooms. All except my poor mum – she’s still in with dad."
287-
4-year-old Moshe is playing in his garden with his friend Mary. They’re splashing around in his paddling pool and quickly get thoroughly soaked, so they decide to take off their wet clothes. Moshe looks at little Mary, then looks down at himself, and then says, "Oy, I just didn't realise there was so much difference between Catholics and Jews."
288-
The supermarket manager found the little girl sitting on the floor, crying her eyes out.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” asked the concerned manager.
“I’ve lost my mummy” bawled the little girl.
“What’s she like?”, enquired the manager.
“Shagging and chocolate”
289-
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences.
Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)
Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)
My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)
A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
290-
Rebecca is nine years old and is doing her homework. Suddenly, she gets up, goes to her father and says, "Daddy, could you please tell me what ‘frugal’ means."
"Yes, of course, replies her father, "it means something like - to save."
Rebecca thanks him and goes back to her homework. Later, her father goes over to see how she’s getting on. He’s reading her story when he comes across the following: -
‘The beautiful princess Sarah slipped on the wet grass and fell into the lake. As she couldn’t swim she starting shouting out, "Frugal me. Oh please, someone frugal me."
Luckily for princess Sarah, the handsome prince David was riding by and he quickly frugalled her. They then lived happily ever after.
The End.’
291-
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concepts of grace and salvation.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out,
"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
292-
Letters to GOD ...
Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
-Bruce
Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny
Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry
Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
-Sam
Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions.
-Ruth M.
Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan
Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey D.
Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
-Love, Chris
Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
-Frank
293-
On the cliff tops overlooking the river sit some old farm houses complete with outdoor toilets at the bottom of the garden. One morning ,before school, three brothers are playing in the garden and daring each other to push the old toilet over the cliff and into the river. The youngest one does just that.
That afternoon they are sitting round the table having a feed and their father asks who was the bright spark that tipped the dunny over the cliff. No answer. Let me tell you a story, he says to the boys.
You have all heard of George Washington the first President of America, well once, when he was a boy his father got all his children together and asked them who had cut down his favourite cherry tree, George stood up and said "Father, I cannot tell a lie it was I who chopped down the cherry tree" and his father was so pleased with his honesty that he forgave him. On hearing this the youngest boy stood up and said "Dad, I was the one that pushed the dunny over the cliff and into the river" And on hearing this the old man kicked shit out of the little sod.
"Why did you do that" screamed the young'un, George Washington's dad didn’t hit him"
"That’s because George Washington’s dad wasn’t up the fucking cherry tree at the time"
294-
While I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't get a boyfriend, since his Dad ran off. I told him the television is my new boyfriend, he entertains me all the time. And, even though he sometimes doesn't start, I just give it a few hard whacks on the side and it comes back on and I'm happy as a lark for hours.
He was satisfied with the explanation and walked away. Sunday the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. My son answered the door. The pastor smiled and asked "Is your Mom busy, son?"
My little one looked up at him and replied, "Yes, sir, she is in the bedroom banging her new boyfriend and once she gets him started, she'll be happy for hours!"
295-
Parenthood
If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour!
Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to your children.
The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.
Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.
Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age.
Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.
An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
296-
The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start a policy on which words were "bad" words. Among those initiated to the category was "suck" (when not referring to the principle of suction).
One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word.
"What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher.
"I can't say it."
"It's ok to tell me, you won't get in trouble for it."
"No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it"
"Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying it?"
"Well... it rhymes with 'fuck'"
297-
The 1st grade concert is fast approaching and Johnny has still not decided what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells her he has worked out his act.
Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause.
Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.
Finally, out comes Johnny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says, "Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm. Here is the first....'JOHNNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'"
298-
Mummy, if you are white, and daddy is black, how come I look Japanese ??
If you knew what happened at that party, you'd just be glad you don’t bark.
299-
Last week was parent-teacher conference week. Thank God my children haven't become the clock tower snipers you would imagine them to be with a mother like theirs. I swear, if it weren't for me the whole family would be messed up and misguided. Anyway, my six-year-old daughter tells us as we're leaving the house to meet her teacher, that Antoine has been chasing her and her friend around the playground trying to kiss them, and she's afraid she's going to get in trouble.
"Did you let him kiss you?" my wife asked.
"No, we ran away and told the teacher."
"That's good, Sweetie," my wife said. "The most important word a girl must learn how to say is no. Don't ever feel you have to do ANYTHING you don't want to do just to make someone else happy, okay?"
"Okay, Mommy," she smiled.
"Honey," I said to my wife, "do we really want her running and snitching every time a six-year-old boy tries to kiss her?"
My wife's dirty look was cut off when my daughter interrupted us.
"Antoine is not a six-year-old boy, Daddy. He's the janitor."
300-
A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his mother told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she
gets pregnant."
A few days later, after pondering this for some time, the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child, "Does the man ever get his penis back?"
301-
Nothing can burst your fatherly bubble faster than hearing your daughter come home from a date and saying, "Some nights I don't know why I even bother to wear panties."
302-
Naomi was happily married with two lovely boys. When she gave birth for the third time, her mother came over to stay with the family to help out. The two boys were excited that their
grandma was coming - they always got on well with her.
The first thing grandma did was to go out and buy some of her own favourite cleaning materials so that, throughout her stay, Naomi’s house would be spotless.
Grandma scrubbed the kitchen, bathrooms and toilets, vacuumed the carpets and polished the silver. Soon, the smell of
grandma’s cleansers, polishes and air fresheners was everywhere.
After two months, grandma went back to her own house, her job done. A few days later, Naomi used one of
grandma’s cleansers to remove a greasy mark from her kitchen worktop. She had just put away the cleanser when her youngest son came into the kitchen and said, "Where's
grandma, mummy?"
"She’s back at her own house now," said Naomi, "don't you remember we took her to the station?"
"Then why do I smell her perfume?" he asked.
303-
A father took his young son with him to the bank to take care of some transactions. Since it was lunchtime, and the bank branch was downtown, there were a number of business people in line ahead of them. The father dutifully got into the rope chutes to wait for the next available teller. Standing in front of them was a female executive type, wearing the latest in corporate fashion and carrying a leather briefcase with a matching leather purse slung over her shoulder. There was a pager clipped to the purse, and the woman was quite large.
After standing in line for a few minutes, the son, pointing to the woman ahead, remarked "Dad, that woman has the biggest butt I have ever seen."
His father, surprised and embarrassed, chastised his son for saying things that might hurt someone else's feelings. "Ssshh, don't say things like that, it isn't nice."
A few minutes later, almost to the front of the line, the son again remarked "Dad, that woman has the biggest thighs I have ever seen."
The father, this time more sternly, replied, "Be quiet, we are almost done here. We'll talk about this when we get home."
Just at that moment, the woman's pager went off. beep.. beep.. beep.. beep
With that the son yells, "LOOK OUT DAD, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!"
304-
Children
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve and the first thing he said was: "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was angry! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT
1 You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2 Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3 Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5 The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6 We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
7 Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
305-
A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?"
The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."
"Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass."
With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.
"Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.
Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!"
"So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."
306-
To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat.
"I won't do it any more, Mum," says the daughter.
Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man.
"If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mum?"
"You'll be fatter than that," says her mother.
They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady.
The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly.
The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, "Excuse me, but do you know me?"
And the little girl says, "No, but I know what you've been doing..."
307-
Modern Version Of The Birds And The Bees:
Cyrus says: Daddy, how was I born?
Dad says: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop- Up appeared and said: You've Got Male.
308-
Little Susie ask her mother, "Can I go over to Jill's house and watch the magic show?"
Mother replied, "Whatever do you mean, dear?"
Susie said, "The one she performs. I heard her tell Nina she got $600 for doing six tricks last night."
309-
The parish priest needs his house painted, so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house; he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him $5.
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much, Father. You're a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day, and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5 bill.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much, Father. You really are a virgin." At this stage the priest decides to take action.
"Tommy," he says, "that's twice you've called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?"
"Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt."
310-
Teaching Maths in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. ?La cuesta de produccion
es...?
311-
A school bus driver was carrying his usual load of racially mixed children from school one afternoon. As was the norm, the typical racial slandering was being tossed back and forth between the children.
This went on for quite some time, when the poor driver had finally gotten his fill of it.
"Black Banana Monkey!"
"Cracker!"
"Honky!"
"Porch Trash!"
Then, in a fit of rage, the bus driver screamed out, "Alright you mouthy bastards! All of you guys, off the bus!" as he parked the bus roadside.
As the kids filed off the bus, the driver cried, "Every stinkin' racist-brat, line up against the side of the bus!"
"I am sick and tired of all this bigotry, race hating, name calling crap! I'll stand for no more of it! From now on, you are no longer white or black, you are all green in my eyes! .... Green I say!
No more "matchstick" or "cotton-ball", you're all green! GREEN, GREEN, GREEN! Do you hear me? GREEN! All of you!
Now, I gotta finish my route and get you all back home, so get back on the bus, and the dark green ones sits in the back!"
312-
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
313-
One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus, when the boy noticed a redhead with huge breasts... "Hey Pop," the son cried, "look at those boobs!"
The father, a religious man proceeded to send the boy to a military academy, in the hope that he would get some manners.
Six months later the boy came home and the father decided to take him on another bus ride.
Again, a woman with very large breasts sat across from them. To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, "Look at the boobs on that redhead!"
"Boobs my eye," the boy replied with a smile, "get a load of the ass on that bus driver!!"
314-
The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more."
The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say ain't!"
315-
One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.
Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth."
The teacher says "That is correct, but why?"
Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my mum always tells my dad "turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"
316-
Jill, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette.
Doug, the local priest, walks by and gives her a glare. "Jill! Smoking at such a young age! Aren't you ashamed?"
"What?" said Jill. "You got something better to do after sex?"
317-
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day when he asked his teacher a question: "Please Miss," he said, "What's a Penis?"
The teacher thought it was an excellent question so she told the whole class that it would be their homework for the night. When little Johnny got home he immediately went to his father and asked him what a penis is. His father undid his trousers and said: "Look son, that's a penis." Johnny was very pleased that it had been so easy to do his homework.
The next morning, on his way to school he met Mary but she was in floods of tears. "Why are you crying?" he asked.
"Well I wasn't able to do my homework," she sobbed. "Nobody would tell me what a penis is."
"OK, I'll help you," said little Johnny. As he undid his trousers he said to Mary: "Look, you see this. Well, this is a Dick. A penis is about three inches shorter!"
318-
It was the first day of the school year and the
woodwork teacher was surprised to see a rather "princess-like" young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom. Her name was Judy and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodworking shop class that term. The teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class, and Judy assured him that she was. The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?" "What exactly do you mean?" replied Judy. "Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop teacher asked. Judy pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
319-
A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "No, not yet."
320-
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their
experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)
Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)
My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)
A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
321-
My son had just turned 15 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex. To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape.
"Do you know about girls and babies?" I asked.
He nodded but cut me off. The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence. On the third lift, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to talk about sex?"
"Damn, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"
322-
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?" Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
323-
Sunday school students tell about the Bible:
~ When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
~ St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
~ Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
~ It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
~ The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
~ A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
~ The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
~ One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
~ When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
~ St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
324-
"Mum, I'm pregnant," announced a sixteen year old one morning in a belligerent tone of voice.
Her mother paled.
"And it's all your fault," continued the girl.
"My fault?" gasped the mother. "I bought you books, showed you pictures. I told you all about the facts of life."
"Yeah, yeah... but you never taught me how to give a decent blow job, did you?"
325-
A toddler's creed.
If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mummy's hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mummy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it is not food, it must be tasted.
If it IS food, it must not be tasted.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
If it is a car seat, it must be protested with arched back.
If it is Mummy, it must be hugged.
326-
Little Johnny and his friend played in a vacant lot everyday, and across the street was a brothel. Day after day they saw men go up, knock on the door, go in, and eventually come out happy and smiling. One day they became curious and decided to see what was going on. The madam answers the door and looks down at the boys, and asks what they want. They explained what they saw, and told her that they were curious as to what goes on inside.
The Madam thought for a moment, shrugged, and says, "Do you have 5 dollars?"
Both boys dig deep into their pockets and come up with a total of 50 cents. She says, "OK, that will have to do," Then she proceeded to lift her skirt and pull down her panties. She told both boys to take a sniff, and they did. She closed the door and the kids took off home.
About halfway down the block Little Johnny turns to his friend and says, "Ya know Joey, I don't think I coulda stood 5 dollars worth of that."
327-
One night little Jonny was lying asleep in his bed and was awakened by a noise. He
lay there for a second and realized it was coming from his parents' room. He jumped up and ran to their room only to find them awake, having sex. He just stared wide eyed at them for a while, not knowing what they were doing. He walked a little closer to the bed and said, "Daddy?", voice quivering, afraid and unaware of what they were doing. "What are you and Mommy doing?" The Dad jumped a little, startled,
rolled over to see his son. "Well, Jonny, I'm... um... You know how you were wanting a baby brother?" "yes..." replied little Jonny in a timid voice. "Well, I'm a putting little brother in your
Mummy for you." Jonny smiled and said, "oh, ok!" and left the room feeling safe and secure. The Dad felt good about himself for his witty and quick-on-the-spot answer and rolled over to fall asleep in his wife's arms. The next day after work, Daddy came home to find Jonny sitting on the grass crying.
"What's wrong???" Daddy asked as he picked his son up filled with concern. "Daddy! you... you know.. *sniff* my little brother that you put in
Mummy???" "yes..." the Dad replied nervously. "well... well... Today... *sniff*... The milkman came over and he ate him!"
328-
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Duelling Banjos.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
329-
Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mum loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school for a couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbour, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is."
The little friend said, "Well who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said.
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life." so I guess I'll just have to get used to it.
330-
A West Virginia teeny bopper comes home from school and asks, "Ma, is it true that babies come out of the place boys put their wieners in?"
Ma replies,"Yep, sho' do."
Daughter says," Why Ma, is that why you are missin yo' front teeth?"
331-
It was Sunday morning and as he had been doing for a number of years, 8year-old Abe was attending Hebrew classes. His teacher had just finished discussing one of the Ten Commandments, the one about honouring your mother and father, when the teacher asked the class, "Now, who can tell me which of the commandments tells us how to deal with our brothers and sisters?"
Abe put his hand up and, when asked, proudly said, "Thou shalt not kill."
332-
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw up."
333-
A substitute teacher walks into the classroom. On the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Jacobs, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"
She yells, "Who's Jimmy Jacobs?"
This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Jacobs."
"Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!
The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "IT PAYS to ADVERTISE."
334-
A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied " Pig Swill ".
The teacher said... "I need your REAL name, son", to which he boy replied, "It's Pig Swill , sir... Really".
The teacher... in a huff.. said.. "Alright young man... march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute!!!!"
The boy got out of his chair... turned to his sister and said.. "Come on, Chicken Shit.... he ain't gonna believe YOU, neither!"
335-
Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.
Little Mary got up and said "my Dad is a pilot, and my Mummy is an architect."
"Great," said the teacher.
Michael got up and said " my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mum is a housewife."
"Good," said the teacher.
Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: "My Mummy, she is a substitute."
Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "you mean she is a Prostitute."
"No," Said Johnny, "my Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mummy substitutes."
336-
A travelling salesman on business in West Virginia met a young lady in a bar, and invited her to his room.
As she was disrobing, he said, "Say, how old are you?"
"Thirteen." she said.
"Thirteen?! My God! You're a child! Put your clothes back on right now and get out of here!"
On her way out the door, the confused nymphet paused, turned to him, and said, "You're superstitious, right?"
337-
The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."
Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework." The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."
Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary." She calls on Little Johnny in the back.
Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."
338-
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the
centre of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice... even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want! In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your son, John
P. S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk
centre drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
339-
One day Little Johnny's teacher, decided to play a spelling game. She gave a letter of the alphabet and the kids have to spell a word starting with that letter, then use it in a sentence. Starting with "A" Little Johnny's hand was continually in the air, but the teacher ignored him. Little Johnny had a propensity for lewd remarks and could turn the simplest of statements into sexual innuendo. The teacher was afraid to let Johnny use any letter that he could turn into a lewd statement.
"All right now, Susan, you first?" said the teacher.
"A is for Ape, A-P-E, An ape likes bananas" answered Susan.
"Excellent " said the teacher.
She continues on through the alphabet. Finally she reaches F. Now she will NOT let Little Johnny answer this under any circumstances so she asks Mary.
"F is for Fairy F-A-I-R-Y, they're little girls who lives among the flowers", Mary replies.
"Great", says the teacher. "Now we get to G".
Only Little Johnny has his hand up so the teacher thinks about this and decides "G" is a safe one. "Yes Johnny?" She asks.
"G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A Gnome lives among the flowers too".
"Johnny! That's Excellent!" Exclaims the teacher, very happy that for once he wasn't out of line.
Little Johnny goes on to say, "yes, teacher, he's the one who screws the fairies!"
340-
Sometimes, when I'm in class, I dream that I'm on a tropical island, with a dozen or more scantily clad females beside me, sitting under a huge palm tree, with some soft gentle music being played on some traditional wood instruments of that region, and a cool gentle breeze caressing my tanned body.
I do all this while trying to forget I'm in a classroom.
Of course, it would be so much easier without everyone yelling at me to keep teaching.
341-
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school teacher.
"He's a magician, ma'am," said Little Johnny.
"How interesting. What's his favourite trick?" asked the teacher.
"He saws people in half," answered Little Johnny.
"Wow! That must be amazing to watch," said the teacher.
"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
And Little Johnny said, "One half brother and two half sisters."
342-
Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too." That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"
343-
One day at lunch little Johnny asked one of the kids at school a question. "If you woke up in the middle of the forest, covered in KY Jelly, naked in a sleeping bag, and your ass was killing you, would you tell anybody?"
"No, I'd be embarrassed."
"Wanna go camping?"
344-
The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock" scrawled all over the blackboard. She suspected Little Johnny, but could not prove it.
"Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them."
At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. She peeked and saw Little Johnny leave his seat. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes." She was very pleased with Little Johnny for doing the right thing.
All eyes went to the blackboard, but none of the words were erased. Below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"
345-
A 16 year daughter shows up in the house really late after her first date. Her angry mother asks her where the hell she's been all night.
"Mum, I think I am in love!"
"What do you mean, it was your first date with this guy!"
"Yeah, but I sucked his dick and then he fucked me in the ass."
"That's not love, my little one, that's lust. When you first get fucked in the ass and then suck his dick.... that's love!"
346-
I used to be overweight. A few years ago, I was waiting in line at a bank. There was a mother and her little boy in line behind me.
The little boy asked, "Hey Mister, how come you are so fat?"
I looked at him and replied "Well, every time I fucked your mother, she gave me a biscuit."
347-
A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
348-
One day, when Little Johnny was about 6 years old, he and his father went to look at some puppies. When he came home, he ran up to his
mum and informed her that there were four puppies. Three were boys and one was a girl.
His mother was impressed and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
"Well," says Little Johnny "The girl was brown coloured, but all the boys were black."
"Yes, dear, but how did the colour tell you if they were male or female?" asked his mother.
Exasperated, Little Johnny retorted, "The colour doesn't tell you, silly, the black ones all had
dicks."
349-
After many years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, Myrddin finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were, Son," his mother said as she started to cry softly.
"But it didn't work out, and they brought you back."
350-
Letter from camp
Dear Mum & Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Chad in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Don got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Don gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Don said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Don is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Don wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Don isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a Tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Don said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline. Don't worry about anything we are fine.
Love, Timothy
351-
DAD'S EXPLANATION
Son: "Dad, why does love-making makes you feels good?"
Dad: "Just like digging in your nose, it's feels good, right!"
Son: "Why is it that guys don't usually feel as good as gals?"
Dad: "Just like when you dig in your nose, it's your nose that feel good, not your finger!"
Son: "Then why do gals feel bad when they are raped?"
Dad: "If a stranger comes along and digs in your nose, will you feel the same way?"
Son: "When girls are having their menstruation, why don't they usually want to have sex?"
Dad: "If your nose is bleeding, will you still want your nose to be dug?"
Son: "Dad, one last question ... why don't guys like to wear condoms when they make love?"
Dad: "Would you want to wear a glove when you dig your nose?"
352-
A New York City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her shiny new bike stopped right beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said: "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said: "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said: "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said: "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said: "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!"
353-
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit Then I would say, "It is Shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
354-
You know that Mary Jane that lives down the road is a cheat", declared Jenni's little boy.
"Why do you say that?", Jenni asked.
The boy reported, "Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine- but it turned out she hasn't got one!
355-
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one -
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to pee."
The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"
"What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."
"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet and know quite well after supper."
The teacher fainted.
356-
A mother gets up during the night to do as nature intended, when she hears some strange noise from the living room. Going to investigate, she snaps on the light.
She is utterly surprised to find her daughter stark naked on the couch, with a young man the mother didn't know atop of her and going at it like rabbits.
"Well, -- I NEVER!" exclaimed the mother.
"But, Mum, you MUST have!" smirked the daughter.
357-
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
358-
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.
Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted.
Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then, when I go downstairs, I want to see a
motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed
fuckin bike leaning up against the damn garage!".
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.
When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" .
Johnny replied, "I think I got a fuckin dog but I can't find the son of a bitch.".
359-
The zoology teacher ask a small boy to make a sentence using the word "possum."
He answered, "Maw got horny and gave possum."
360-
A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. Very proud, she came home and put it on. She then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mum?" she asked.
Her mother replied, "If I wore that when I was your age, you would have been five years older."
361-
Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.
DEFENCE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.
DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words.
WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".
362-
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second. "Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
363-
A young teenager runs into the house and asks her mother, "Is it true what Mandy just told me? Babies come out the same place that boy's thingies go in?"
"Yes," replied her mother pleased that the embarrassing subject had finally come up, and she didn't have to explain.
"Oh gosh!" shrieked the panic-stricken girl, "When I have a baby then, will it knock my teeth out?"
364-
Little Johnny got the crabs from a girlfriend and wanted to know how to get rid of them. He found that there are three options.
1. Hold a mirror opposite of your genitals and the crabs will think that there is another crotch to jump off onto.
2. Shave off half of your pubic hair, set the other half on fire and stab the crabs with an ice pick when they run out of the first half.
3. Go to a movie; buy a box of popcorn, a coke, and a pack of milk duds. When the movie is really getting to a point of real excitement be sure to drop some of the popcorn into your lap so the crabs can eat some of the popcorn. The salt in the popcorn will make the crabs really thirsty, and they will go to the lobby to get some water. While they are gone, you get up and move to another seat.
365-
The college co-ed was asked by her professor why she didn't get her essay in by the deadline.
Her retort: "I've been too fucking busy, and vice versa."
366-
Whenever I come home from playing golf, my son always asks me excitedly, "Did you win, Dad?" I have explained to him time and time again that you're really just playing against yourself. This time the family was on vacation and I had gone out to play a round. When I returned, the kids were swimming in the hotel pool, which was full of young kids and surrounded by dozens of parents. From across the pool, at the top of his lungs, my son yelled, "Hey Dad! Were you just playing with yourself?" We checked out that night.
367-
"Young man," said the angry father from the head of the stairs, "didn't I hear the clock strike four when you brought my daughter
in last night? "You did," admitted the boyfriend. "It was going to strike eleven, but I grabbed it and held the gong so it wouldn't disturb you." The father muttered, "Doggone! Why didn't I think of that one in my courting days!"
368-
One day Little Johnny got curious and asked his mother, "Where do white babies come from?"
His mother answered "The stork."
Little Johnny then asked, "Where do black babies come from?
"His mother replied "Ravens."
Then Little Johnny asked, "Where do no babies come from?"
And his mother said, "Swallows."
369-
Yesterday Nancy's son, Frankie, came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is - I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test."
Nancy said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?"
Frankie said, "They were pedestrians."
370-
Little Johnny was playing airplane with an orange crate. "Here I am, a real U. S. Navy pilot, flying at 30,000 feet," he said to himself and made accompanying flight noises.
Little Mary got interested in what he was doing. "Can I fly with you, Johnny?" she asked.
"Wait a minute," little Johnny said, as he cut back his engine sounds. "I'll bring her in like a real U. S. Navy pilot and then I'll take you up for a spin."
Little Mary climbed on the back of the orange crate.
"Fasten your seat belt," little Johnny commanded. "I'm a real U. S. Navy pilot, so prepare for take-off!" He ran through the check list and got airborne at last.
But at 30,000 feet little Mary announced that she had to pee.
"Don't scrub the mission just for that," little Johnny said amiably. "You've got to hang in there for a while yet!" After a while he noticed a yellow stream between his feet. He glanced around and saw little Mary's snatch exposed.
"Gee that's cute," he said. "Can I touch it?"
She nodded, and he did so very briefly. "Would you like to kiss it?" she asked.
"I'm not a real U. S. Navy pilot," little Johnny said.
371-
"My kids just don't understand my logic. They fail to see why they have to go to bed when I'm tired."
372-
A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"
A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again.
He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth.
"What happened?", he asked.
"Oh Grandad!", replied the boy. "I did what you told me! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, tried to have my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, tried to leave without paying and the bouncers beat the crap out of me!"
"Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?"
"Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"
"Oh!" replied the grandad. "Just the SS."
373-
"Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them."
374-
A college student picked up his date at her parents' home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . . the works.
Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid."
375-
For weeks little Johnny’s dad had been nagged by his wife to “Fix those bloody bathroom tiles, they’re loose and it
won't take much for them to fall off the walls”.
Tonight was no exception to the nagging, when little Johnny walked into the living room and said, to his parents' horror, “Dad, I’ve just pulled one off in the bathroom”.
376-
Little Billy was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman about to breastfeed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a very large breast and started the feeding.
"Dad," Billy said, "What's that woman doing to that baby?"
His father replied, "Relax, son. She's just feeding him."
Billy blurted out, "Are you nuts? There's no way he'll eat all of that!"
377-
Dr. Suess titles that didn't quite make it...
1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch,You Bitch
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet
3. Fox In Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
18. The Grinch's Ten Inches
378-
One day, little Johnny was bugging his mother, so she told him to go outside and play. Johnny went outside and down the street. He saw firefighters rescue a little baby from a burning building and save the day. He ran home all excited that he saw this, and started to tell his mother.
She interrupted him, saying, "I already heard it all on my scanner." Little Johnny pouts and goes to his room.
The next day, his mother tells him to go out and play. Again he goes down the street and this time he sees an ambulance show up at an accident and save the people's lives. He rushes home and starts to tell his mother what he saw.
She interrupts saying she already heard it on her scanner.
Again the next day, she sends him out to play, but this time he decides to go a different way. He walks around farmer Mac's barn and sees him screwing a pig in the ass. He thinks to himself man I shouldn't be here. He starts to sneak away when "snap", he steps on a twig. Mac hears him and says, "Hey Johnny is that you?" Johnny says, "Yeah." The farmer ask Johnny if he wants to try it. Johnny thinks, why not, and has himself the time of his life. When he's done he runs home and starts yelling,
"Mummy, mummy, guess what I did today!" She says, "OK, what?" He proudly says, "I got laid."
She replies, "In a pig's ass."
Johnny, now pissed, screams, "DAMN SCANNER!!"
379-
Little Johnny was sitting in his bedroom feeling really depressed. In walked his dad and asked, "What's up son?"
Johnny replied, "Dad, I really need to get laid. I'm really horny!"
With that the father pulled $100 from his wallet and said, "Here you go son, go in to town tonight and have a good time."
"Great!" said the boy and off he went.
The next day Little Johnny is in his room feeling good. In walks the old man again and asks, "How did you do
"I got laid good Dad", says the son
"Wow son, how did you manage that?" his father asked with interest.
"Well," said the boy, "I went in to town like you told me and I met grandma there and told her what I was up to and she took me to her place and fixed me up".
The father's jaw dropped and he shouted, "What! You screwed my mother!"
Little Johnny said, "why not Dad? You screw mine!"
380-
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
381-
"The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy."
382-
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
383-
Mary comes home from her date with Tom and is on cloud nine. She happily tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room jumps into bed and falls fast asleep. The next morning her
mum comes in and wakes Mary up and says, " How was your date last night?"
"It was alright, I guess."
"It must have been a lot better than that," says mum, " Your panties are still stuck to the ceiling."
384
Young Zeke was on his way home from the market when he saw a girl from the next farm and offered her a ride.
Pretty soon, they came to a clump of trees, and she asked him to stop.
Seeing that he was bashful, she took his face in her hands and kissed him. Then she asked, "Do you want to go a little farther?"
He said, "Yep, Get up Betsy.
"So they rode a little farther, and she asked him to pull up at another shady spot. Then she took one of his hands and placed it inside her bosom and his other hand on her thigh, and asked. "Do you want to go a little farther?"
Again he said, "Yep get up Betsy.
" So, when they stopped at the third bushy place, she reached over and opened his fly and took his pecker out. She spread herself before him and asked, "Now do you want me to put it in for you?"
He replied, "Yep. My paw would kill me if I came home with it hanging out."
385-
My son often leaves yellow sticky messages for me on my computer monitor, things like "I need pencils" or "PTA wants money"... All manner of semi-important things I generally need reminding of get posted this way. It works. I usually take care of the message right away, or by days end if at all possible. One day I went to the computer and found a yellow Post-it with the following note; "My Dixie wrecked." I read it a few times but whatever it meant refused to sink in. I tried putting it out of my mind but it kept coming back. My Dixie wrecked, my dixie wrecked...
Weird how that puzzling note refused to leave my awareness.... It would go quietly to the back of my mind and play over and over but never would it leave. I'd bring it to the front of my attention and review it closely; My Dixie wrecked... Hmmm.... I got up for coffee and muttered to myself; "My Dixie wrecked" I wonder what that means? I even said it out loud a few times; "My Dixie wrecked! What's the meaning of that? I even asked my Mom; I said to her; "My Dixie wrecked. What does that mean? I'd change the accents; my-dixie-Wrecked. My-dixie-wrecked. My-Dixie-wrecked. It was driving me nuts. My son finally got home from school and I blurted out... "My Dicks Erect! What the hell does that mean?" My son is such a creep. Sometimes I think he's even better than me.
386-
After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbour's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.
"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age." the neighbour said.
"Sexuality my ass!" The mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"
387-
10 Rules For Dating My Daughter
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
388-
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
389-
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads and met a little girl coming from another direction. "Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.
"Me too," replied the little boy.
"What church you go to?"
"The Protestant church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"
"Mine's the Catholic church at the top of the hill," said the boy.
They discover that they both go home the same way so they decide to walk together. They come to a low spot in the road where spring rains partially flooded the road. There's was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mum's going to skin me alive," said the girl.
"My Mum'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the boy.
"Tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I never had any idea how much difference there is between a Protestant and a Catholic."
390-
The teacher had just finished reading a story to the sixth-grade class. She decided to check the student's knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used. "Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?" she asked. Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand. After a few more silent moments, she decided to give them a hint: "Adolescent - it's something all of you are, and I am not."
Finally Little Johnny tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft voice said, "Virgins?"
391-
Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"
392-
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied: "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine!"
393-
"Mum, I'm pregnant," announced a sixteen year old one morning in a belligerent tone of voice.
Her mother paled.
"And it's all your fault," continued the girl.
"My fault?" gasped the mother. "I bought you books, showed you pictures. I told you all about the facts of life."
"Yeah, yeah... but you never taught me how to give a decent blow job, did you?"
394-
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. It looked so realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook, she slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the book once again, again the fly didn't fly away.
This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing, she realized what had happened. Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school.
"You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said. "That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick."
395-
A little girl came running in the house and said, "Mummy, I met the most wonderful man this morning. It was the garbage man, and he was carrying a big bag over his head, and it broke and went all over him. And, you know, Mummy, he just stood there and talked to his mother, his son, and God."
396-
The first year student had just gotten a beat up old VW beetle from his parents.
He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned the car directly between the house of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Balls
... luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.
397-
The Texas teeny-bopper told a classmate, "I'll let you do it for $20 -- $10 to put it in and $10 to take it out." The boy quickly agreed.
The couple went into the woods, and the young thang slipped off her panties and laid back. The boy slipped in his erection and handed her a $10 bill. And then, when he was finished, he handed her another $10 and she released him.
The next week, he requested her again, and she agreed. This time, he handed her the $10 then, when he had finished, he just lay there. After about 10 minutes, she said "OK, Billy! Take it out now."
He continued to lie there and said, "I can't -- I don't have any more money."
398-
My niece, after living in several apartments, found one in the area where she had grown up.
"The best thing about this apartment," she said to her sister, "is that it's within walking distance of the grocery store."
"What grocery store?" her sister asked.
"You know," my niece said. "Mum's house."
399-
A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.
The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."
The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby... if I can, and I think I can."
The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can.... and I think
I can!"
400-
So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma," exclaimed Johnny, "there's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
401-
Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend. They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"
The six-year-old says to his brother, "Then he must be fucking her up the ass!"
402-
Norman was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick. Five minutes later Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.
"I can't find it," he admitted. The teacher sat Norman down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.
Norman looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".
Frustrated, the teacher asked Eddie, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom. So Eddie and Norman go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.
The teacher asks Eddie "Well, did you find it?"
Eddie is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."
403-
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
404-
Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home from school one day. As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, doing it, well, doggy style.
"What are they doing, Johnny?" Mary asked.
Well, Little Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing but was embarrassed to say it, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her."
Little Mary said, "Oh." They walked a little farther, and Little Mary said, "Scare me, Little Johnny."
Well, Little Johnny thought, "What the Hell." So he took her into the bushes and "scared" her. After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field.
"What are they doing, Little Johnny ?", she asked.
"Well, he's scaring her."
So Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Johnny."
Well, Little Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her again. After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it.
"What are they doing, Little Johnny?" she innocently (?) asked again.
"Well, he's scaring her" Little Johnny said once again.
After a few more minutes of walking, Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Little Johnny."
Now Little Johnny, being a little tired by now, had just about had enough, so he yelled out, "Boo, damn it, boo!"
405-
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
406-
A little boy goes up to a construction site where a new house is being built.
When the carpenter picks up his saw the little boy says my dad has two of those.
He picks up his hammer and the little boy says my dad has two of those.
This goes on all morning.
Every thing the carpenter picks up the little boy says my dad has two of those.
After lunch the carpenter goes around to the back of the house to take a leak.
As he is doing his business the little boy walks up.
The carpenter says let me guess your dad has two of these.
The little boy says no but he's got one that would make two of that one.
407-
One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Jane." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said. Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".
The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"
Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mum say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."
408-
"I never slept with a man until I married your father," declared the stern mother to her wild young daughter. "Will you be able to say the same thing to your daughter?"
"Yes," replied the girl, "but not with such a straight face."
409-
The little boy asked, "Mummy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replied, "The stork brings them."
The boy, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the storks?
410-
MOTIVATING OTHERS
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the
neighbours plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the
neighbours books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"
411-
Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.
When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?"
The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"
412-
Young boy & a young girl are playing in a sunny field alone. After a while they both are very hot so after much discussion they take off their shirts ... that helps
a lot and they continue playing. At some time later the boy asks the girl "What are those things?" (pointing to her breasts) she
says "they are my headlights ... look you have them too but they are kinda smaller" so they continue playing. Later, the boy has a bee fly up his pant leg so he hurriedly removes his pants. The young girl asks (pointing at his penis)" What is that?" He replies "Why that's my plug, don't you have a plug ?" (It's beginning to get dark by now) She says "No - I have this." (She removes her pants) Boy says "I can't see too well but it looks like you have a socket. Hey, I have a idea .... If I stick my plug into your socket it will make our headlights light up.
413-
My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions.
Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked in the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge.
My mother asked my why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
414-
The little boy asks his father... "Daddy, how was I born?"
Dad responds: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see, your
Mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your
Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.
"We interfaced rather well, so we sneaked into a private room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon after I uploaded, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. By then it was too late to hit the delete button, so nine months later a blessed little pop-up appeared saying: 'You've got male! ' "
415-
Two eight-year-old boys played in a vacant lot everyday, and across the street was a brothel. Day after day they saw men go up, knock on the door, go in, and eventually come out happy and smiling. One day they became curious and decided to see what was going on. The madam answers the door and looks down at the boys, and asks what they want. They explain what they saw, and tell her that they are curious as to what goes on inside. The Madam thinks for a moment, shrugs, and says, "Do you have 5 dollars?" Both boys dig deep into their pockets and come up with a total of 50 cents.
She says, "OK, that will have to do," as she proceeds to lift her skirt and pull down her panties. She tells both boys to take a sniff, which they do. She closes the door and the kids proceed home.
About halfway down the block one boy turns to the other and says, "Ya know Joey, I don't think I coulda stood 5 dollars worth of that.
416-
"I'm confused," the little boy admitted to his teacher. "I went to church last Sunday and they kept telling me to stand up for Jesus!
But then, I went to the World Series final game, and everyone kept yelling, 'For Christ's sake, sit down!'"
417-
The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which words were "bad" words. Among those initiated to the category was "suck" (when not referring to the principle of suction). One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word. "What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher. "I can't say it." "It's ok to tell me, you won't get in trouble for it." "No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it" "Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying it?"
"Well... it rhymes with 'fuck'"
418-
On the last day of his
French class, Professor Lint goes over the final exam. "The exam will test your comprehension. It'll be divided into two parts: a multiple choice exam, and an oral exam.
Heather realizes that she needs to do well on the final exam, or she won't graduate. After class, Heather meets Professor Lint in his office. "Professor Lint," she says in a sexy voice, "I don't think I'm going to pass the class and I was hoping you could help me out." Pretty soon, Heather and the professor are making love in his office. Afterward, Heather asks "How's my comprehension?"
"So far so good," the professors says, "but you need to come back tomorrow at noon."
"What's tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow," Professor Lint says "is the oral part of the exam."
419-
Freddie ran into the kitchen crying and cradling something in his hands. "Mummy, my turtle is dead," Freddie told his mother as he held the turtle out to her.
His mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don't want you . . ." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Freddie, your turtle is not dead after all."
"Oh," the boy said. "Can I kill it?"
420-
A Letter From A Third Grade Teacher Sent Home To Pagan Parents
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.
Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the room with her pencil in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her art class is in an hour and to please refrain until then to do any drawing.
And speaking of art class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawing little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosey! By the way, what does "skyclad" mean?
Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started
waving it in front of me. I thought this a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I'm glad she keeps it at home.
As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.
One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense, and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor. One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto Others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated that it was "Do As you Will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I try to correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.
In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.
With deep concerns, Mrs. Livingston
421-
Dear Tony,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your mohican, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.
I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely, Your future father-in-law
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
422-
Three 12 year olds, Benjy, Sidney and Oliver, are sitting on the balcony of Benjy’s 6th floor flat discussing the jobs they’d like to do when they grow up.
"I want to be an actuary," Sidney says.
"Why do you want to be that?" the other two ask.
"Well," replies Sidney, "do you see that silver car down there? Well that’s a Lexus IS250 and all actuaries drive Lexus cars."
"Well," says Oliver, "I want to be a footballer."
"Why do you want to be that?" the other two ask.
Oliver points to the car next to the Lexus and says, "that car’s a Bentley and all good footballers drive Bentley cars."
Benjy says, "When I grow up I want to be a prostitute."
"Why do you want to be that?" the other two ask.
"Because my dad says my older sister is a prostitute and that Lexus and that Bentley are both hers."
423-
Paul and Natalie have invited their elderly rabbi for dinner. While they’re in the kitchen preparing the meal, the Rabbi is in the dining room with their 5 year-old daughter.
"So tell me, Emma," asks the rabbi, "do you know what we’re having tonight?"
"Goat," replies Emma.
"Goat?" says the startled rabbi. "Are you sure about that, Emma?"
"Oh yes, rabbi," replies Emma, "I heard daddy say to mummy, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"
424-
TEACHER SAYS
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
Really means: He was caught cheating on a test.
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and vitality.
Really means: The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes.
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
Really means: He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
Really means: The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term.
5. Her athletic ability is marvellous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
Really means: The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
Really means: Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument.
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
Really means: He's a bully.
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
Really means: Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
Really means: She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
Really means: He must have written the Whiner's Guide.
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
Really means: Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade.
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome.
Really means: A mouth that never stops yacking.
425-
"Daddy," the little girl said. "I didn't know Mummy is a magician."
"What do you mean, Honey?" asked the daddy.
"Well," replied the girl. "I heard her on the phone saying she was going to turn a couple of tricks tonight."
426-
Grumbling about the distance between campus buildings, a daughter wrote home to her father, who happened to be a veterinarian, asking for money to buy a second hand motorcycle.
By the time the money arrived, she had changed her mind and bought a monkey instead.
After several weeks, the monkey started losing its hair. Hoping her father would know how to cure it, she wrote him a letter. "Dad, please help. All the hair is falling off my monkey. What should I do?"
A couple of days later, she received a reply from her worried father. It read, "Sell the damn motorcycle!"
427-
One day a
young boy and his grandad are fishing on the riverbank when grandad takes out his cigarettes.
The boy asks if he can have one .grandad asks him if he can shove his penis up his own arse .
The boy says no, so grandad tells him he is not big enough to smoke.
The same thing happens when he asks for a drink of his grandad's beer.
After a while the young boy takes out his sandwich box and grandad asks if he could have one.
The boy asks him if he can stick his penis up his own arse.
Of course I can says grandad.
Well go and fuck yourself these are my sandwiches
428-
"When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon,
'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?'
He answered, 'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.'"
429-
Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to watch the squirrels climb the tree. One day while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly.
He went home and told his mother about it and she said, "Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in your pants."
The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the same thing again. As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants."
At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said, "Go get 'em Pussy.
430-
"My teacher is really giving me a tough time" Little Johnny was telling his father.
"Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised. "Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly."
"I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed. "She hissed at me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue."
431-
DEAR PASTOR (letters from the kids)
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance.
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner.
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you.
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
432-
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
433-
Rabbi Levy arrives at his shul’s weekly children’s service. This is when he gathers all the little children around him and gives them a brief Talmud lesson before dismissing them. He never misses an opportunity to give them a suitable message.
On this particular shabbes, he decides to use squirrels for an object lesson on teaching them the need for industry and preparation. So he starts out by saying to the children, "I'm now going to describe something to you and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is."
The children nod eagerly.
"This thing runs around in trees (pause)… and eats nuts (pause)..."
No hands go up.
"And it’s grey or brown (pause)… and it has a bushy tail (pause)…"
The children look at each other, but still no hands are raised.
"And it takes big jumps from one branch to another (pause)… and it chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)…"
Finally, little Sam tentatively raises his hand. Rabbi Levy breathes a sigh of relief and says, "Good, Sam, so what do you think it is?"
"Well, rabbi," says little Sam, "I know the answer must be Moses … but it sounds just like a squirrel to me!"
434-
The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more." The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say ain't!"
435-
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in the house!"
436-
One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather was extremely bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to stay in a hotel for the night. So Little Johnny was sleeping in the same room as his teacher.
In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frightened by the sight of Johnny standing right over her.
He asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep.
She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she said okay.
Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly button and she said "NO"
"But my mummy lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps."
So the teacher says, "Okay fine, do whatever your mum lets you do."
A few minutes later the teacher says "OH. that's not my bellybutton."
And Johnny says, "that's not my finger."
437-
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the
centre of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice, even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight
motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.
Even though you won't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, John
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk
centre drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
438-
A substitute teacher walks into the classroom. On the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Jacobs, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!" She yells, "Who's Jimmy Jacobs?" This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Jacobs." "Well, Jimmy, your staying after school! The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "IT PAYS
TO ADVERTISE."
439-
My busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?"
My sister, back from college, noticed Mother's sign. Beneath it she taped her reply: "No -- DOOR! Trust me. I went to college."
440-
Children can answer better than most adults when it comes to love. The question was "What is love"? The answers they gave were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy- age 7
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mummy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." (sweet) Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My
Mummy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
"My mummy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mummy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mummy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image) Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mummy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"
441-
Pauly's family is at dinner, the 10-year-old daughter isn't eating much, and she just keeps her head down... After a few minutes, she says, "I have something to tell you." Everyone gets silent and they all listen. "I am no longer the virgin I used to be." And she begins to cry.
A long silence, and Pauly speaks to Mrs Pauly: "It's your fault, you know, always dressed and made up like a tramp. You think that's an example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it's just terrible; that's why problems like this come up!
Then Mrs Pauly lights in on Pauly: "And YOU! Do you think that you're a good example? Wasting your scrawny paycheck with your drinking buddies who even come drunk into the house--do you think that's a good example for a little girl 10 years old?"
Then Pauly charges back in: "And her sister, that no-good, with her hairy and dope-crazed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each other and screwing in every room in the house--you think that's a good example too?" And it goes on and on, back and forth.
Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks, "Now, darling, how did this happen?
And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing: "Father Michael chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas pageant this year."
442-
A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race today."
443-
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?" There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
444-
Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the first time. Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed, "Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have. Where did you get your baby and what did it cost?"
"My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95"
"Oh that's great!.. She's so pretty."
"Well thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a beautiful little doll."
"Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had."
"Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her."
Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn. Naturally the oo's and aa's started ending with the same question, 'where did you get your baby and how much did he cost?' "Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost about $5,000.""
The two little girls were stunned. The group broke up, the real mommy walked on. Finally one of the little girls turned to the other and said, "You know, I don't know what you think about that deal, but if you ask me, she REALLY got SCREWED!
445-
The First Day of School 30 Years Ago and Today
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Miss Lichtig receives an apple from an anonymous student and shows it to her fellow teachers.
TODAY: Ms. Lichtig receives a package from an anonymous student and shows it to the bomb squad.
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Ed Navis, the class clown, is caught reading Playboy.
TODAY: Mrs. McMahon, the art teacher, is caught posing for Playboy.
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of whooping cough.
TODAY: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of morning sickness.
THIRTY YEARS AGO: students find mercury, lead and cobalt on the periodic table.
TODAY: students find mercury, lead and cobalt in the drinking water.
THIRTY YEARS AGO: each class begins with "Show and Tell."
TODAY: each class begins with "Search and Frisk."
THIRTY YEARS AGO: ninth grader Clyde Kelly is caught cheating on a pop quiz.
TODAY: ninth grader Scott Kelly is caught cheating on his common-law wife.
446-
DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call you child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
447-
Prom-Planning Tips
Prom season is just around the corner. Here are some tips to help make your prom night unforgettable:
The prom is a magical experience, a chance to do such grown-up things as get all dressed up, drink nine Smirnoff Ices, vomit in a limo, and pass out in Mom's azalea bushes.
The theme is one of the most important elements of a prom. Choose carefully between "Tropical Paradise" and "Stepping Out In Style."
Do not attempt to finger-bang your date until a slow song comes on.
Don't forget the corsage! Fresh flowers are necessary to mask the smell of sweat and foot
odour in your school's dank, poorly ventilated gym.
Try to plan ahead, so you are not more than two or three months pregnant for your prom.
Next to a bridesmaid dress, a prom dress is the most important dress you will ever wear.
If you were not asked to prom, you can still have fun by putting on a dress, buying a taco-salad party platter from the local Pic-N-Save, and dancing in your bedroom as a portable radio plays the latest Top 40 hits.
This will be the biggest night of your life if you happen to die in the next few weeks.
448-
Things A Mother Would Never Say
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
Just leave all the lights on. It makes the house look more cheery."
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."
"Well, if Timmy's Mum says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week."
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the windchill is bound to improve."
"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."
449-
On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner.
Our teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned.
After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
My husband turned to me and said, "I suppose we could vacuum."
450-
As parents, the major part of our duty is to prepare our children for successful adulthood. That is not easy. One does not know at what stage of a child's life they begin to process information that will adhere to their psyche and become part of the foundation that their personalities will be built on.
I decided that you can never begin to guide too early. To be sure, we teach at very early ages that hot water burns and knives cut flesh.
So I was sitting with my eight-year-old daughter, listening to her chatter on and on at about 100 miles per hour, when I decided it was a perfect time for a life lesson.
"Listen, honey," I said reaching down to hold both her little hands in mine. "You're boring the ever-loving fuck outta me with all this talk. How do you ever expect to keep a husband if you talk so damned much?"
451-
A kid is in his bedroom, near ecstasy as he masturbates ever more vigorously. In walks his father.
"You'd better stop that, son," says the dad. "Otherwise, you're liable to go blind."
The boy dutifully affirms that he will stop immediately.
A week later, the dad once again walks in on the boy as he is masturbating.
"I thought we had an agreement," dad sputters angrily.
"Well," says the kid, "I figured I'd just quit when I need glasses."
452-
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
453-
Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.
"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny.
"Well, son" he explained, "Your mother and I are no longer in love."
Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does being in love mean?"
The father explained, "Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love..."
Then little Johnny said, "But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you."
The father was rather confused with his son's statement since he had personally never experienced this as of late. "I don't understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?"
Little Johnny replied, "Well, sometimes when Mommy is still playing in bed with the
neighbour, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!!'"
454-
The college dorm advisor heard strange noises from Jack's room, well after lights-out. He knocked on the door and said, "Mr. Jack! Are you entertaining in there?"
From behind the door, Jack answered, "Just a second -- I'll ask her!"
455-
Jill, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette.
Doug, the local priest, walks by and gives her a glare. "Jill! Smoking at such a young age! Aren't you ashamed?"
"What?" said Jill. "You got something better to do after sex?"
456-
A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl suddenly winked and asked: "Do you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?"
The little boy replied..."You're so old fashioned"... ...."spit out your gum, I want to play President."
457-
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mummy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
458-
I was just laying around reminiscing the other day, bored by the continuing rain, when out of the blue I remembered my first sexual encounter. I was about 15 or 16 and in a Catholic all boys high school and had a date with what the rest of the basketball team had described as a sure thing.
- After being harangued, reminded and constantly lectured about the evils of sin, sex and fallen women, by the good Brothers, I decided that I had better get some protection for my anticipated first decent into the depths of sex, sin and who knew what other tempting depravities.
- So I went to a local corner drug store in another neighbourhood, to buy a package of condoms, so I wouldn't be recognized, and have, god forbid, someone tell my parents.
- After I was at the druggist's counter, in the back of the store, where the older guys told us they stocked the rubbers under the counter, I was shocked to have a beautiful older woman come out of the back room to the counter. I blurted out my request and it was quite obvious that I was new at it. -
- She handed me the package, smiled and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly had some trouble managing to stutter out a "No."
- So the lovely lady, who seemed to be enjoying my obvious discomfort, unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused and was obviously very red faced too. So she looked around the store and seeing that It was empty, She said," "Just a minute." And walked to the door, and locked it.
- Taking me by the hand, she led me into the back room, proceeded to unbuttoned her blouse and remove it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. and to my utter amazement, asked, "Do these excite you?"
- I was so dumb-struck, mesmerized, breathless and aroused that all I could do was manage to nod my head quite
vigorously, in the affirmative.
- She then said, it was time for me to slip the condom on and as I was slipping it on, she was busy dropping her skirt, removed her panties and was laying down on a desk.
- "Well , come on", she said, "We don't have much time." So I hesitantly climbed on top of her, and she took care of the rest. It was so wildly wonderful, much more exciting than any of the thrill rides that came to town with
travelling carnivals. But unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done and my ride was over within a few minutes.
- She looked at me with a questioning frown. and asked, "Did you put that condom on?"
- Grinning from ear to ear, quite happy with my swift passage from virgin to an experienced man of the world, pulling up my pants, I said, "I sure did." -
- And proudly held up my thumb to show her.
459-
A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child with the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
1. Don't change horses ... until they stop running.
2. Strike while the ... bug is close.
3. Its always darkest before ... Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that ... looks dirty.
7. No news is ... impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ... maths
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ... pigs
13. An idle mind is ... the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ... pollution.
15. Happy the bride who ... gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ... not much.
17. Two's company, three's ... the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ... you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none as blind as ... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ... get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one is
25. Better late than ... pregnant.
460-
A young boy is standing on a street corner swatting flies. Every time he sees a fly he utters, "fucking flies, fucking flies."
Just as the boy says it a shocked priest walks up and says, "You should not curse the flies because every one of God's creations has a purpose."
The little boy, unmoved by the priest's objection says, "bullshit."
"Well tell me 3 things on this earth that God has made without a cause" says the priest.
The boy looks at him with a grin and replies, "Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these fucking flies."
461-
The young teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked Morris, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, Morris offered this as his answer.... "I guess you'd be eating alone."
462-
Little Johnny grabbed some cookies cooling on the kitchen counter and his mother smacked his hand.
"OW! What did you do that for?" he said.
"Your hand was doing something it wasn't suppose to and it needed to be punished. Now go see what your father is doing."
Little Johnny ran to the garage just as his father accidentally dropped his hot glue gun on his hand. His father cursed in pain and batted the tool away from his hand.
Little Johnny ran back to his mother and said "Mum! Dad's smacking his tool in the garage. I guess his tool needed to be punished, too."
463-
Morris the dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that his teen age son had gotten himself into quite a fix.
"See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together...and we can't get them apart."
"I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly, "and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time."
Mr. Tuckerman whispered,.... "Yes, but from an IUD?"
464-
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," he replied.
I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting' about a period?"
"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one. Mummy fainted; daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy.
465-
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
466-
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.- Woody Allen
467-
In school one day the teacher decided in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?" Little Richie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie.
Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mum has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"
468-
Little Johnny goes into a house of ill repute and asks for a girl with
gonorrhoea.
The madam nodded and sent him upstairs to a room. Then she called one of her
favourites for him. The girl came into the room and started to undress, when he asked, "Do you have
gonorrhoea?"
"Gonorrhoea? I should say not," she replied.
Little Johnny sent her back. The madam sent for another girl and said, "Honey, go upstairs and tell that fool you have the clap. Let's do what we can to make him happy."
The girl agreed, went upstairs and when Little Johnny asked, "Do you have gonorrhoea?" she smiled and said, "Of course I do."
"Ok," he said, "Let's do it."
After it was over and they were laying side by side the girl said, "Listen Johnny, I don't really have
gonorrhoea"
Little Johnny smiled and said, "Well, you do now."
469-
At the end of his second year, Mark had failed his exams in his physics degree. He wasn't surprised - he'd partied well, and played a lot of sport, especially cricket. He knew that he now would have to retake the exams in September - but the end of the cricket season intervened, and a few parties, and a week with friends, in Cornwall. Nothing daunted, he returned to Uni in September, and took the papers. He failed. His professor took him aside, and said that there was one last chance - as Mark was actually rather bright, if none too hard-working at present! "Take this barometer, and find out, using the barometer, the height of the Blair Tower, at the centre of campus. By tomorrow, ten o'clock in the morning." Mark went off, a little worried, but a little elated that he had not been flung out of university there and then. The next morning, he comes back to see the professor, and says, "I think I may be able to do this.
1. Tie a long piece of string to the barometer. Hold one end of the string from the top of the building, so that the end of the barometer barely clears the ground. Give the barometer a small displacement and time its period as a compound pendulum. This will give the length of the pendulum, hence the height of the building.
2. Smash the barometer on the roof of the building and time how long it takes for the mercury to drip down the wall of the building to the ground. Use the known viscosity of mercury to find the velocity.
3. Find a small, very efficient, very light electric motor. Weigh the barometer. Use the motor to carry the barometer up the building. Using a voltmeter and ammeter, calculate the work done by the motor, and thus the gravitational potential difference between the top and bottom of the building. Knowing g, find the height.
4. Drop the barometer off the top of the building and measure the time it takes to strike the ground. Use Newton's laws of motion to solve s = ut + ½ at2 for s, which is the height of the building.
5. Use the barometer to measure the atmospheric pressure at the bottom of the building, and then again at the top. The difference in these two pressures will allow a calculation of the height of the building.
6. Using a device that can propel an object at a known velocity (such as a baseball pitching machine or a rail gun), find the velocity at which the barometer needs to be projected to reach the roof from the ground.
7. Find a barometer that uses a liquid with no surface tension whatsoever (superfluid helium?). Break the barometer and spread the known volume of liquid evenly over the surface of the building. Measure the depth of the resulting liquid film. Knowing the volume of the barometer, this gives the surface area of the building, which will give its height, if its width and depth are known; these may be found at ground level.
8. Find the architect who designed the building, crack the (mercury) barometer over his coffee, watch him die when he drinks it, then steal the building's specifications, including height.
9. Stand on the roof of the building. Throw the barometer to a point exactly on the horizon. Measure the distance from the bottom of the building to the barometer. This gives the horizon distance at the top of the building, thus giving its height above the ground; it is necessary to allow for your own height of eye above the roof.
10. Make a small hole in the barometer so mercury drips out at a constant rate. Place the barometer so that it is dripping off the roof onto the ground. Measure the time between a drop being released from the barometer and the drop hitting the ground. Repeat the measurement when moving towards the ground at a known velocity. The time between a drop being released and a drop hitting the ground will change. Using the Lorentz transformation equations and taking the top of the tower as x = 0, the position of the ground can be found. This will yield the height of the tower.
11. Measure the volume of the barometer at the bottom and top of the building. By knowing the coefficient of thermal expansion of glass, the temperature difference between the top and bottom can be calculated. Refer this to known data of atmospheric temperature as a function of height - using a lapse rate of 5oF per thousand feet and 9oC per thousand metres.
12. Every time somebody walks into or out of the building, stab them with the sharpened end of the barometer (after having sharpened it, of course). Word of the 'Barometer Murderer' will eventually reach the building's owner, who will of course be forced to sell the building. The real estate advertisement should give the height of the building. But you may not see the advert, being in police custody, so this is a little uncertain as a method.
13. Measure the height of the barometer, then mark off successive 'barometer heights' up the outside wall of the building, climbing the fire escape as you go. At the top, count these up and multiply by the height of the barometer.
14. Place a cat on top of the building. Prod it with the barometer so that it falls off the roof. See whether the cat dies when it hits the ground. Repeat n times, where n>>{a large number}. Refer to Dr Karl Kruszelnicki's paper on the probability of a cat dying when falling from a certain height. This will set parameters on the likely height of the building; checking your work using a different method is an important feature of science.
15. Find at what velocity you must move upwards or downwards past the building such that the building is contracted to the same length as the barometer. Find gamma for this velocity, multiply by the length of the barometer - albeit requiring detailed knowledge of Relativity.
16. Carefully measure the height of the barometer. Then, carefully measure the height of the shadows of the building and of the barometer, at the same time, on level ground. The building height is in proportion to the barometer height in the same way as the building's shadow is to the barometer's shadow.
17. Go to the top of the building; tie a piece of string to the top of the barometer, lower the barometer to the ground, then measure the length of the string; the height of the building is then equal the S + B, where S is the length of string, and B is the height of the barometer.
18. Tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g).
19. However, since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the door of the caretaker, Mr Brown, and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the actual height of the Blair Tower'."
The professor nodded and said only, "You pass".
470-
Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well,... if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.
But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).
Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.
"Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly... you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!"
And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.
Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world:
"In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"
471-
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "The Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge n' Mary.
472-
Two five year olds were talking in the playground at school.
The girl said "We found a condom under our verandah this morning"
The boy replied "What's a verandah"
473-
Top 10 Things Not to Say to Your Girlfriends Parents
10. Gee, Pops, you're not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter said you are.
9. Wazzzaaaaap!
8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.
7. You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.
6. No... No... It's OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.
5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her friend Joanne?
4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I'm Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the midget is Sam. Is Sally ready?
3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I'm waiting out here! Send the bitch out!
2. You should be proud, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, you've raised a good girl. I can't get her to blow me no matter what I say.
And the number 1 thing not to say when you meet your girlfriend's parents for the first time:
1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that, I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father.
474-
Little Johnny and Willy were twins, and for their 13th birthday, Willy got a bicycle while Little Johnny got a little portable radio.
Willy hopped up on his bike and went to town. On the way he sees the Gerald's house on fire, firetrucks, the whole bit. He spins around and peddles as fast as he could back home. "Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what? I saw a fire at old man Gerald's! There was fire engines! Firemen! and EVERYTHING!!!"
Little Johnny looks up and says, "Yeah, I know, I heard about it 10 minutes ago on the news on my radio." Willy scowls and jealously mutters, "You and your fuckin' radio!" and storms off, to go riding again.
In town he sees just about the most exciting thing ever! Police, sirens, and all kinds of excitement, because the local bank had been robbed. He races home as fast as he can, starts hollering before he's even completely in the door, "Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what?"
Little Johnny dryly interrupts with, "The bank was robbed?" Willy scowls and storms off, muttering, "You and your
fuckin' radio!"
Well, this time he pedals clear through town, and out into the countryside on the other side. A few miles up the road he sees a poor little pig with its head stuck in a fence. He grins, parks the bike, climbs down the bank, pulls his pants down and gives it to the porker. Then he races as fast as he could all the way home... "Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what? I just had my first sexual experience!" Little Johnny looks up, dismisses Willy with a wave, "Bah! In a pig's ass you did!"
"You and your fuckin' radio!" mutters Willy, as he cycles off.
475-
A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
476-
One day, when Little Johnny was about 6 years old, he and his father went to look at some puppies. When he came home, he ran up to his
mum and informed her that there were four puppies. Three were boys and one was a girl.
His mother was impressed and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
"Well," says Little Johnny "The girl was brown coloured, but all the boys were black."
"Yes, dear, but how did the colour tell you if they were male or female?" asked his mother.
Exasperated, Little Johnny retorted, "The colour doesn't tell you, silly, the black ones all had cocks."
477-
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.
She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"
478-
A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?" "We're Jack and Jill" she replied. The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"
So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the door bell and once again and the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?" "We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!"
Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are stark naked. "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks.
Chocolate M & M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts ..."
479-
A little girl was sitting on her daddy's lap. She gazed up at her father and said, "Daddy, did anyone ever tell you that you're the most wonderful and smartest man in the world?"
Her father, filled with pride said, "Why no, honey, they haven't."
"Then where did you get the idea?" She asked.
480-
Sometimes, when I'm in class, I dream that I'm on a tropical island, with a dozen or more scantily clad females beside me, sitting under a huge palm tree, with some soft gentle music being played on some traditional wood instruments of that region, and a cool gentle breeze caressing my tanned body.
I do all this while trying to forget I'm in a classroom.
Of course, it would be so much easier without everyone yelling at me to keep teaching.
481-
A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the girl at checkout #3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?" She says "Sure. What size are you?" "I don't know" he replies. "Well, just let me check" the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3." They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
Then, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?" He says "Well, I don't know." She says "Just let me check here." She unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3." They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
Seeing this, a fifteen year old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell any condoms here?" "Yep" she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know" he says. She unzips his zipper for a feel, pauses and says over the intercom, "CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3 PLEASE. CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3."
482-
It was this little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was. She replied, "Happy Butt."
The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."
So she went to the principal's office, and he asked, "What's your name?"
And the little girl said, "Happy Butt."
The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."
The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?
483-
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you s hould bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
484-
Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large, his parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls. They cautioned him he could easily kill someone. Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex.
He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen.
He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy.
Thinking he's killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing and crying, "Oh my God!... I killed her! I killed her!"
All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning comprehension appears on his face as he says, "Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. She committed suicide!"
485-
There's a young Arab boy about to turn 16, his father is a wealthy oil baron. The day before his birthday, the father asks his son, "What would you like for your 16th birthday?"
The boy says "Father I want a woman."
"Can your penis reach your asshole?" asks the father.
"No", his son says.
His father says, "Then you shall receive a new car."
His 17th birthday comes and the same thing happens.
On this 18th birthday the son thinks he's wised up. His father asks what he wants and he says he wants a woman. "Can your penis reach your asshole?" asks his father.
Thinking he's smart the son says, "Yes father it can!"
Then his father says, "If your penis can reach your asshole, then what do you need a woman for?"
486-
A father comes into the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father.
"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.
"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father.
"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."
487-
At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered little Jimmy with a cat up his jumper. She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"
Little Jimmy started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the postman tell Mummy 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!"
488-
Q: How many kids with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Let's go ride bikes!
489-
A long time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy say's, "papa, you do many many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers." "Well Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You usea thisa one to pointata what evea you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married."
Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.
Tony said, "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life, but Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"
Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired, when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!' "
490-
Pauly's family is at dinner, the 10-year-old daughter isn't eating
much, and she just keeps her head down... After a few minutes, she says, "I have something to tell you." Everyone gets silent and they all listen. "I am no longer the virgin I used to be." And she begins to cry.
A long silence, and Pauly speaks to Mrs Pauly: "It's your fault, you know, always dressed and made up like a tramp. You think that's an example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it's just terrible; that's why problems like this come up!
Then Mrs Pauly lights in on Pauly: " And YOU! Do you think that you're a good example? Wasting your scrawny
paycheque with your drinking buddies who even come drunk into the house--do you think that's a good example for a little girl 10 years old?"
Then Pauly charges back in: "And her sister, that no-good, with her hairy and dope-crazed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each other and screwing in every room in the house-- you think that's a good example too?" And it goes on and on, back and forth.
Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks, "Now, darling, how did this happen?
And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing: "Father Michael chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas pageant this year."
491-
One day Little Johnny got curious and asked his mother, "Where do white babies come from?"
His mother answered "The stork."
Little Johnny then asked, "Where do black babies come from?
"His mother replied "Ravens."
Then Little Johnny asked, "Where do no babies come from?"
And his mother said, "Swallows."
492-
Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ‘ears’ he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.” The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.” Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.” “Can he see?" asked Little Johnny. “Yes,” the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.” "That's great", said Little Johnny, “cuz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!”
493-
KIDS
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mum! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told Her. "Well, then, "she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?"
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my
4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought ! his father always said: "Glory be unto the faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother . "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think
it's Adam's underwear."
494-
Mary comes home from her date with Tom and is on cloud nine. She happily tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room jumps into bed and falls fast asleep. The next morning her
mum comes in and wakes Mary up and says, " How was your date last night?"
"It was alright, I guess."
"It must have been a lot better than that," says mum, " Your panties are still stuck to the ceiling."
495-
A man's four year old son came home from Sunday School one day. When he asked him what he'd learned that day, the boy was quiet for a minute and then said "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticised?" The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised," but the answer was still yes.
496-
My son often leaves yellow sticky messages for me on my computer monitor, things like "I need pencils" or "PTA wants money"... All manner of semi-important things I generally need reminding of get posted this way. It works. I usually take care of the message right away, or by days end if at all possible. One day I went to the computer and found a yellow Post-it with the following note; "My Dixie wrecked." I read it a few times but whatever it meant refused to sink in. I tried putting it out of my mind but it kept coming back. My Dixie wrecked, my dixie wrecked...
Weird how that puzzling note refused to leave my awareness.... It would go quietly to the back of my mind and play over and over but never would it leave. I'd bring it to the front of my attention and review it closely; My Dixie wrecked... Hmmm....I got up for coffee and muttered to myself; "My Dixie wrecked" I wonder what that means? I even said it out loud a few times; "My Dixie wrecked! What's the meaning of that? I even asked my
Mum; I said to her; "My Dixie wrecked. What does that mean? I'd change the accents; my-dixie-Wrecked. My-dixie-wrecked. My-Dixie-wrecked. It was driving me nuts. My son finally got home from school and I blurted out... "My Dicks Erect! What the hell does that mean?" My son is such a creep. Sometimes I think he's even better than me.
497-
One day, little 5 year old Johnny walked into the bathroom where his mother, having just got out of the shower, stood totally naked. Looking a bit confused, he asked her,
"Mummy, what's that split between your legs?"
A little taken aback, she then answered,
"Oh, that's where Daddy accidentally hit me with the axe"
"Good shot" replied Johnny, "Right in the cunt".
498-
It’s late December and little Miriam is getting ready to leave school. But she needs help in putting on her winter boots. So Sharon, her teacher, comes over to help. The boots prove to be quite a challenge and even with Miriam pulling and Sharon pushing, the little boots didn't want to go on easily. It took Sharon some time to get both the boots on Miriam’s feet.
But then Miriam shouts out, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
Sharon looks down and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on, but Sharon manages to keep her cool as, together, they work to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
But then Miriam shouts out, "These aren't my boots, teacher."
Sharon bites her tongue rather than shout at Miriam. "Why didn't you say so?" Once again Sharon struggles to help Miriam pull the ill-fitting boots off her little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when Miriam says, "They're my brother's boots, teacher. My mum made me wear them."
Now Sharon doesn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But she musters up what patience she has left to wrestle the boots on Miriam’s feet again. Then, helping Miriam into her coat, Sharon asks, "Now Miriam, where are your gloves?"
Miriam replies, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots, teacher."
PS Sharon will soon be coming out of psychiatric care.
499-
The following come from a Catholic elementary school test. Pupils were asked questions about the Old Testament and the following replies, incorrect spelling and all, were the result.
In the first book of the bible, Guiness, God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath of.
Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of the Ark. Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.
Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the philistines with the ass of the apostles.
Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he actually obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
500-
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger." Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple." Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it." Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?" "From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to
drive?'
501-
A kid, around 10 years old, ragged and dirty, is sitting on the kerb. A very shapely young lady passes. The kid calls out, "Hey miss, miss?" Lady stops, and he asks, WIll you give me some
pussy? Lady slaps him across the face and walks off, leaving the little urchin crying. Lady starts to ponder: "Geez, he's only about 10 years old, and probably doesn't know what he's
saying". Lady returns and walks up to the little boy and and says, "I'm sorry for slapping
you" Between snuffles, he replies, "That's ok, ma'am" She decides to take him in the alley and give him
some. Surprisingly the kid had a big dick and knew what he was doing. After the lady had 2 big orgasms and the kid shot his load, the lady asked, " Do you ask every lady that
question?" Urchin: Yes Ma'am! Lady: Then you must get a lot of slaps then.
Urchin: Yes, Ma'am. But I also get a lot of pussy too!
502-
Rejected titles by Dr. Seuss
* The Cat in the Blender
* Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
* Fox in Detox
* Who Shat in the Hat?
* Yentl the Lentil
* My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
* Oh, the Places You'll scratch and Sniff!
503-
Kids In Church ...
3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
504-
The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life. "Liza," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..." "It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mum," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."
505-
Children's Comments About Angels
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory, 5
I hear angels all the time in my dreams. And I'm sticking with that no matter how many people tell me I'm crazy. Molly, 8
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from holy cows. Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you gotz dead. Daniel, 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. Regan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara, 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared, 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. Antonia, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelyn, 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it. Vicki, 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. Sarah, 7
506-
Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a
ten-year old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker and they
were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told
the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought
it would be good for the four-year old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old
dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what w as going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy
seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know
why." Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to
live a good life - - like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The four- year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, So they don't have to stay as long."
507-
One day when my wife and I had to run out to the shop for 5 mins, We left our 4 year old unattended with a jigsaw to keep him amused.
Imagine my surprise when we came back to discover he had sawn off four of his fingers.
508-
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's
grey and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
509-
The teacher had just finished reading a story to the sixth-grade class. She decided to check the student's knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used. "Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?" she asked.
Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand.
After a few more silent moments, she decided to give them a hint: "Adolescent - it's something all of you are, and I am not."
Finally Little Johnny tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft voice said, "Virgins?"
510-
A school teacher asks her class "What vegetable makes your eyes water?"
Little Johnny replies "an eggplant."
"No Johnny" says the teacher, "I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?"
"No miss" Says Johnny, "Have you never been hit in the balls with an eggplant?"
511-
The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Tyson," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "I don't want to hear that language in here again."
After a moment, she thought and whispered aloud, "At least he doesn't know what it means."
"I do, too," Tyson corrected. "It means the car won't start."
512-
Observations By Kids ...
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
13) My Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass.
(Julie age 7)
513-
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake." "No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."
514-
Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by the beauty shop to pick-up her Mum. She wasn't quite ready, so they sat down and waited.
Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mum's stylist and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?"
515-
Little children can come up with some very interesting ideas. Listen to what some children wrote to their mothers for Mother's Day.
Angie, 8 years old, wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm going to make dinner for you on Mother's Day. It's going to be a surprise. P.S. I hope you like pizza & popcorn."
Robert wrote: "I got you a turtle for Mother's Day. I hope you like the turtle better than the snake I got you last year."
Eileen wrote: "Dear Mother, I wish Mother's Day wasn't always on Sunday. It would be better if it were on Monday so we wouldn't have to go to school."
Little Diane wrote: "I hope you like the flowers I got you for Mother's Day. I picked them myself when Mr. Smith wasn't looking."
And how about this one from Carol? "Dear Mother, Here are two aspirins. Have a happy Mother's Day!"
516-
Ten Things a Mum Doesn't Want to Hear
1. I swallowed a goldfish.
2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.
3. Does grape juice leave a stain?
4. The principal called...
5. But DAD says that word all the time.
6. What's it cost to fix a window?
7. Has anyone seen my earthworms?
8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mummy?
9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.
10. I'm moving out.
517-
A school girl was required to write an essay of two hundred and fifty words about an automobile. She submitted the following:
"My uncle bought a second-hand automobile. He was riding in the country when it busted up a hill. I guess this is about fifty words. The other two hundred are what my uncle said when he was walking back to town, but they are not fit for publication."
518-
A 15 year-old-girl is going on her first date, and her mother warns her not to let the boy put his hands up her dress. The girl agrees, and the mother is reassured.
The boy and girl go out, and after a movie and a nosh they are parked in lover's lane.
He makes a move and tries to put his hands up her dress.
She stops him once, twice and three times. He's all disappointed.
Then she tells him, "I promised my mother that I wouldn't let you put your hands up my dress. But, you can put your hands down the back of my dress, and it's the second hole you come to!"
519-
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere".
520-
The mother of a teenage boy was asked by his headmaster to call in at his office to discuss a serious matter. When she arrived, the headmaster said, "I'm sorry to have to tell you that your son came to school yesterday wearing a print dress, high-heeled court shoes and lipstick!"
"Damn it!" said the boy's mother, "I've told him a hundred times no to wear his father's clothes!"
521-
After many years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, Myrddin finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. "Yes, you were, Son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out, and they brought you back."
522-
As parents, the major part of our duty is to prepare our children for successful adulthood. That is not easy. One does not know at what stage of a child's life they begin to process information that will adhere to their psyche and become part of the foundation that their personalities will be built on.
I decided that you can never begin to guide too early. To be sure, we teach at very early ages that hot water burns and knives cut flesh.
So I was sitting with my eight-year-old daughter, listening to her chatter on and on at about 100 miles per hour, when I decided it was a perfect time for a life lesson.
"Listen, honey," I said reaching down to hold both her little hands in mine. "You're boring the ever-loving fuck outta me with all this talk. How do you ever expect to keep a husband if you talk so damned much?"
523-
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid
licence!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
524-
When I was growing up we were very poor
My 5 brothers and me slept in one bed and they all peed in the bed every night
I learnt to swim before I could walk
My mum asked me which end of the bed I wanted to sleep in
I said “The shallow end”
525-
One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"
"The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl.
"Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"
"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."
"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"
"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them."
526-
I was in a customer's home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it?"
I said, "Sure Michelle." So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl's bicycle. "Boy, Michelle!! That's a beautiful bicycle." I complimented. "Can you ride it?"
"Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face she pouted, "but it's broke."
I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?"
"I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it falls down!"
527-
Teacher: "We are all the children of Adam and Eve."
Pupil: "but miss.. my daddy says we evolved from apes."
Teacher: "I'm not talking about your family Leroy."
528-
As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a
team-mate.
One night, I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after another and after six games, we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his
mum wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you"? I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you"?
Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."
529-
From a Catholic Elementary School Test
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an Apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greates miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in bibical times.
Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.!
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistels were the wives of the apostals.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
Christians have only one spouse This is called monotony.
530-
A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother.
One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer.
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
531-
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.
"Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?"
The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."
532-
A wee boy asks his mum "why am I black and you are white?"
"Don't even ask" she replies, "When I think back to that party, you're fucking lucky you don't bark!"
533-
Little Johnny asks for a
TV in his room and his Dad, reluctantly, agrees. Next day, Johnny comes downstairs and asks "Dad,
what's love juice?"
Dad, looks horrified, but tells little Johnny all about sex.
Poor lad just sat there, mouth wide open in amazement, until Dad asked "So what we're you watching?"
Johnny replied "Wimbledon"
534-
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex.
It was the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?".
Both he and his secretary were very upset, but I got the bike.
535-
A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed. "What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the
Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"
A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth.
"What happened?", he asked.
"Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the
Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and the beat the crap out of me!"
"Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?"
"Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"
"Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."
536-
One morning Little Johnny came into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mummy are light bulbs good to eat?"
Little Johnny's mother, says, "Why do you ask that question?"
And Little Johnny says, I heard the lady upstairs tell dad, if he would turn out the light she would eat it.
537-
Antonio came home from school one day and walked into the kitchen. His grandma asked him, "Antonio, what did you learn in school today?"
Antonio replied, "Well, we learned about penises, and vaginas, and sexual intercourse, and masturbation."
Grandma hauled off and slapped Antonio, hard. He ran up to his room, crying. Antonio's mother walked in and cried, "Ma! Why did you go and hit Antonio!?"
Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned in school today. He started talking about sex, and penises, and masturbation!"
Antonio's mother said, "Ma! That's what they learn. It's called sex education!"
Well, Grandma felt bad about hitting Antonio, so she went upstairs to apologize. When she opened his bedroom door she found him on his bed masturbating. Without a blink, she said, "Antonio, when you're finished with your homework, come downstairs and talk to me."
538-
Little Greggy came home from school, and his mother asked, "How was your day dear?" He replied: " Pretty good. I ate all my jam sandwiches for lunch, passed my spelling test, came first in the 100 metres sprint, was in the winning netball team, and got a fuck on the way home."
His mother was shocked and yelled at him," I won't have you talking filth like that! Its disgusting. Get to your room, you just wait till your father gets home". So little Greggy went upstairs to his room.
When his father got home, Little Greggy's mother told him he had better go up and talk to him. He went up to his room and said, " What sort of a day did you have at school son?" Little Greggy said, "Pretty good Dad, I ate all my jam sandwiches for lunch, passed my spelling test, came first in the 100 metres sprint, was in the winning netball team, and got a fuck on the way home."
His father went downstairs into the kitchen and reefed the cast iron frying pan from where it was hanging on the wall.
His mother was horrified. "What are you going to do with that? You're not going to hit him!" she cried. The father said, " No. He can't do all that on jam sandwiches - I'm going to cook him a steak with
spuds".
539-
A pastor was speaking to a group of second-graders about the resurrection of Jesus when one student asked, "What did Jesus say right after He came out of the grave?"
The pastor explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He said.
The hand of one little girl shot up. "I bet I know what He said! He probably said, 'Ta-dah!'"
540-
Young Benny arrives home from school and says to his mother, "Mummy, when daddy was taking me to school on the bus this morning, he asked me to give up my seat to a lady who was standing next to us. So I did. But do you think I should have given up my seat?"
"Well Benny," replies his mother, "I think it was a very nice thing to do. I always appreciate someone giving up their seat for me when all the seats are taken."
"I know that, mummy," says Benny, "but I was sitting on daddy’s lap at the time."
541-
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
542-
Mel Kaplan, a high school English teacher in New York, was grading test essays written by his students. On one student exam essay Kaplan wrote, "I am giving you a D because 'fuckyou' should be spelled as two words; and 'ass hole' as one word!"
543-
A two and a half year old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up. "I'm going to look just like you mummy!" she announced.
"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.
"No mummy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."
544-
"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?" "Certainly not," she said. "If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop." His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?" "He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"
545-
One day an insurance salesman knocked on a door. A little boy answered the door and the gentleman asked if his mother was home.
The little boy said "No, she is at the whore house".
The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little boy replied, "No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays and Fridays during the rush".
The salesman said, "Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch".
The little boy said "Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around knocking on doors telling folks".
546-
Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little shit!"
A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny's bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to.
Little Johnny smiles, "It's not so fucking funny when it's your Mum, is it?"
547-
Little boy crying in a Romford
supermarket.
Man says to him "What's up son?" The boy replies "I cant find mummy"
The man says "What's mummy like?" and the boy replies "Big cocks and
Bacardi Breezers"
548-
The teacher in little Johnny's class is teaching them the alphabet.
"Now class who can think of a word beginning with 'A'?
Little Johnny shouts out "Arsehole !"
Teacher " No Johnny, a nice word like 'Ambulance'. Now what about the letter 'B'?
Little Johnny shouts out "Bollocks !"
Teacher " No Johnny, something nice like Bumblebee, Now, I think we will give the letter 'C' a miss, so moving on to 'D'.
Little Johnny puts his hand up again.
Teacher " Last Chance Johnny!"
Little Johnny " Dwarf, Miss"
Teacher " Yes, good, Dwarf is ok, Johnny what is a Dwarf?
Little Johnny " A little cunt about 3 feet fucking tall"!
549-
A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"
"It is ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby that is all."
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"
"Son, there has been a change of plan," his father replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."
550-
Angels Explained by Children
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. --Gregory, 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. --Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. --Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. --Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. --Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows. --Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.--Daniel, 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.--Reagan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. --Sara, 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. --Jared, 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. --Antonio, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.--Katelynn, 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it--Vicki, 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. --Sarah, 7
551-
Two sisters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.
Finally the 12-year-old said to her 8-year-old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mum. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!"
552-
Little Johnny was all out of sorts one morning. When his father asked him what the problem was the kid said, "I'm mad at mummy, cause she eats birds."
His father said he didn't know what Little Johnny was talking about.
Little Johnny replied, "I was up late last night and heard noises coming from your bedroom. When I listened at your door, I heard mum say, 'should I swallow it or let it fly'!"
553-
"I want a silk dress!" the little girl exclaimed to her mother.
"No! We can't afford it right now!" the Mother replied.
This goes on until finally the mother says, "Why do you want a silk dress?"
The daughter in a loud voice replies, "I'm tired of the boys pulling the wool over my eyes."
554-
"Daddy," said Little Johnny, "I'd like to get married."
"Sure, son." said his father. "Anyone special in mind?"
"Yes," answered Johnny. "Grandma."
"Now, wait a minute," said his father. "You don't think I'd let you marry my mother, do you!!"
"Why not?" the Johnny asked. "You married mine."
555-
A women with three children was sitting at home one day when one child came up to her and said "Mummy why am I called Rose." "When you we're born a rose fell on your head" replied the mother.
Then the second child came up to her and said "Mummy why am I called lily?""When you were born a lily fell on your head" she replied.
Then the third child came up the her and said "RAAAA BLAAAAAAB RUB DAB BAAAAAAAAA" and the mother said "shut the fuck up wardrobe."
556-
Calling on an attractive coed, the theology professor asked, "Who was the first man?"
"If it's all the same to you, sir," replied the embarrassed coed, "I'd rather not tell."
557-
I taught sex education in the South Bronx, and as a sixth grade teacher I was told to answer all their sex questions. One kid asked, "Is there any part of the woman's body known as the Volvo?"
Which I thought was a good question.
I said, "Only on Swedish women."
558-
"My teacher is really giving me a rough time" Little Johnny told his father.
"Well Johnny," said his father, "take special care with your personal appearance and attire, pay attention in class and do our assignments and homework promptly, and you should be okay."
"I really don't think that'll help Dad," Little Johnny sighed. "She told me during study break that she's three weeks overdue!"
559-
Answers from Students on Music Exams ...
The principal singer of nineteenth-century opera was called pre-Madonna.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
A harp is a nude piano.
The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled up.
An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.
The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of playing a piece.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.
I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
My favourite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.
Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
560-
A history teacher asks a class full of kids "What was Churchill famous for?"
A kid at the back shouts out "He was the last fucking white person to be called Winston!"
561-
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a
25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.
562-
Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a
black eye. She asked him what happened.
He replied, "Maa'm, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and the he punched me in the face".
"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, "the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."
All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.
Johnny explained, "Maa'm, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mum said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too!' and that's when my dad said, "you little liar." and he punched me in the face."
563-
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTS
My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
Can you believe it! Those idiots at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.
564-
The mother of a teenage boy was asked by his headmaster to call in at his office to discuss a serious matter. When she arrived, the headmaster said, "I'm sorry to have to tell you that your son came to school yesterday wearing a print dress, high-heeled court shoes and lipstick!"
"Damn it!" said the boy's mother, "I've told him a hundred times not to wear his father's clothes!"
565-
I played a game of blow-football with my 6 year old nephew yesterday.
Sadly he had an asthma attack half way through.
Still... 10-0!
566-
Little Johnny goes to school. His first class is English, and the teacher wants the kids to say what they ate for breakfast and spell it.
The first girl says "toast" -- t o a s t.
The second boy says "eggs" -- e g g s.
Little Johnny says "fucking nothing" -- f u c k i n g n o t h i n g.
The teacher stands him in the corner till lunch.
After lunch Little Johnny is allowed to take his seat. The first class after lunch is geography. The teacher wants to know where the Polish border lies.
Little Johnny shoots up his hand and says, "He's at home on top of my mum. That's why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!"
567-
WHY GOD MADE MUMS ............Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers? What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did your mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between mums & dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
5. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
568-
When you have three boys, it's hard to know whom to blame if something goes wrong in the house.
One father explained to a friend how he solved the problem: "I send all three to bed without letting them watch television. In the morning I go after the one with the black eye!"
569-
Kids have got it easy today. When I was a lad, we’d never heard of paedophiles, so we had to buy our own fucking sweets!
570-
OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE FROM KIDS
"I'm in favour of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
(Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
(Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire."
(Christine, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8)
KID'S ADVICE FOR LOVEBIRDS How can you tell if two adults eating dinner are in love? If the man picks up the check. They only stare at each other; other people care more about the food. They are dressed up, if they aren't they just broke up.
How do people in love typically behave? Like my dog. They fall down after they kiss and don't get up for an hour.
What is falling in love like? Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. If it's like math I don't want to do it, it takes too long.
What are people thinking when they say "I love you." "Hurry up so we can go eat." "I don't love him."
How do two people fall in love? One of them has freckles, so he finds another person with freckles. You get shot with an arrow, but the rest isn't that painful.
How do you stay in love? Be a good kisser. Don't forget your wife's name.
571-
What I Didn't Know Before I Had Kids ...
* How to change a diaper in the dark, in a parked car, on a standing child and all of the above simultaneously.
* Which lines of The Cat in the Hat and If I Ran the Circus can be skipped over without a child noticing.
* How bright a 3 a.m. full moon is.
* The design marvels of hooded towels, Velcro-strap shoes and mitten clips.
* Locations of public restrooms all across town.
* Why anyone would bother retracing their steps for miles just to retrieve a lost toy.
* That tigers live in the trees in our backyard.
* How to open a van door while bobbling 2 lunch boxes, two extra coats, a purse, a diaper bag and a baby.
* That solid white socks get lost in the dryer at a much slower rate than do the mates of patterned socks that coordinate to special outfits.
* How little sleep a human body truly needs to function.
* Almost every Disney lyric ever penned.
* How to spell amoxicillin, let alone say it.
* That one can never own too many sippy cup lids or refrigerator magnets.
* Scientific names of dinosaurs from A to Z.
* That reverse psychology really works.
* The recipe for a homemade version of Play-doh.
* The distinctive sounds of Cheerios crunching underfoot.
* Why they call them Happy meals.
* How far you can dilute juice and still retain it's taste.
* The blessedness of naps, the inviolate importance of routines.
* How much you could love one human being!
572
A teacher says to her class of kids "We are all descended from Adam and Eve". A little boy puts his hand up and says "My dad says we all descended from apes!". To which the teacher replies "We're not talking about your lot Leroy."
573-
I live near a remedial school.
There's a sign on the road outside that says, "SLOW CHILDREN".
That can't be good for their self-esteem...
574-
Over the years, parents and teachers have been shocked by pupils' exam howlers. There are the classic mistakes, such as the belief that Hitler's first name was 'Heil'. Now a collection of outrageous clangers (some seem completely unbelievable, but the author insists they are all drawn from real exams and essays) has been compiled in a new book. Here is a selection of the worst...
SCHOOL DAYS
We had a longer holiday than usual this year because the school was closed for altercations.
All teachers at our school are certified.
The headmaster caned me only on rear occasions.
Our school is ventilated by hot currants.
BOOKS AND WORDS
A fairy tale is something that never happened a long time ago.
In lbsen's Ghosts, Oswald dies of congenial syphilis.
Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway, but he mostly lived at Windsor with his merry wives. This is quite usual with actors.
Homer wrote the Oddity. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
John Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
An epitaph is a short sarcastic poem.
Poetry is when every line starts with a capital letter and doesn't reach the right side of the page.
Polonius was a mythical sausage.
Letters in sloping type are in hysterics.
Emphasis in reading is putting more distress in one place than another.
An abstract noun is one that cannot be heard, seen, touched or smelled.
•GEOGRAPHY
A consonant is a large piece of land surrounded by water. Britain has a temporary climate.
In some rocks there are to be found the fossil footprints of fishes.
The Andes are a race of people living in North America.
The principal exports of Sweden are hired girls.
The Dutch people use water power to drive their windmills.
HISTORY
King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery.
The wife of a duke is a dukky.
Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships with her face.
Alexander the Great conquered Persia, Egypt and Japan. Sadly he died with no hair.
Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
Joan of Arc was burned to a steak.
Another Greek myth was Jason And The Golden Fleas.
Joan of Arc was Noah's sister.
Medieval people were violent. Murder during this period was nothing. Everybody killed somebody.
Victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.
The King wore a scarlet robe trimmed with vermin.
In the middle of the 18th-century, all the morons moved to Utah.
Louis XVI was gelatined to death.
Hitler's instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho.
POLITICS
When Caesar was assassinated, he is reported to have said "Me too, Brutus!"
King John ground the people down under heavy taxis.
President Carter faced the "Iran Hostess Crisis".
The U.S.S.R. and the U.S.A. became global in power, but Europe remained incontinent.
SCIENCE AND MEDICINE
If anyone should faint, put her head between the knees of the nearest medical man.
Methane, a greenhouse gas, comes from the burning of trees and cows.
A phlegmatic person is one who has chronic bronchitis.
A circle is a figure with no corners and only one side.
Al Chemy was a man who discovered chemistry.
An advantage of an organism having both sexual and asexual reproduction in its lifecycle: twice as much reproducing.
If you cross XY and XX chromosomes, you get XX (female), YY (male) and XY (undecided).
Crude oil is a vicious substance.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
To germinate is to become a naturalised German.
The Earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.
Pine is an example of a carnivorous tree.
Clouds just keep circling the Earth around and around, and around. There is not much else to do.
If teeth are not cleaned, plague is the result.
Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.
RELIGION
The Jews were a proud people, but always had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
The seventh commandment is "Thou shall not admit adultery".
Solomon had 300 wives and 700 cucumbers.
The Papal bull was a mad bull kept by the Pope in the Inquisition to trample on Protestants.
The Philistines are islands in the Pacific.
The end of the world will make a turning point in everyone's life.
The natives of Macedonia did not believe in Paul, so he got stoned.
Pompeii was destroyed by an overflow of saliva from the Vatican.
ANIMALS
An armadillo is an ornamental shrub.
To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.
Marsupials are poached animals.
The adder is a poisonous snack.
An octogenarian is an animal which has eight young at birth.
One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them.
GENERAL STUDIES
As he walked through his room he heard the sound of heavy breeding.
In the Middle Ages people lived in mud huts with rough mating on the floor.
The 19th-century was when people stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.
Madame Pompadour gained in power while being placed under the king.
Merchants appeared and roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organising big fairies in the countryside.
The Mona Lisa was the most beautiful woman ever to be laid on canvas.
A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
Gonads are a tribe of wandering desert people.
Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery.
575-
Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys.
"Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend."
"Swallow." Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."
576-
Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for awhile.
"Do you understand?" his mother asked.
"Yes," replied Little Johnny.
"Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.
"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny.
"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.
"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"
577-
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration. "
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, some asshole is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
578-
A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.
She says: "Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?"
He says: "No, but I've got dangling balls on a 9 inch."
"That's not a record is it?"
"It is for a 10 year old."
579-
A German couple had a son called Klaus who never said a
word. They tried everything but he still wouldn't talk. On his 14th birthday they baked him a cake.
'Zis cake is dry,' he said. His parents were both overjoyed and shocked. They asked him why he had never said a word for the last 14 years.
'Because everything has been satisfactory until now,' he replied.
580-
Five year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure do! Five thousand bucks, and that doesn't even include the fucking
anaesthetist!"
581-
During our computer class, the teacher chastised one boy for talking to the girl sitting next to him
"I was just asking her a question," the boy said.
"If you have a question, ask me," the teacher tersely replied.
"Okay," he answered, "Do you want to go out with me Friday night?"
582-
I had my first sexual experience at school, I shagged little Jenny Jenkins behind the bike sheds.
She said I was better at fucking than teaching maths.
583-
This is the message that Secondary School staff in the Midlands voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring
parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children's failing marks changed to passing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.
The Outgoing Message 'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter and several letters posted to you - Press
5
If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transport - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
LASTLY: If you realise this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a really wonderful day!
If you want this in other languages, you must be in the wrong country. This is England, now piss off.
584-
For months a little boy had been pestering his dad to take him to the
zoo. Eventually dad gives in and off they go. When they get back the boy's mother asks him if he had a good
time. "It was great," replies the boy, "and daddy had fun too,
especially when one of the animals came home at 50-1"
585-
"Mummy, Mummy! Can I wear a bra now that I'm 12?"
"No David."
586-
One day a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out.
This student got back his test and $64 change.
587-
Nothing can burst your parental bubble faster than hearing your daughter come home from a date and saying, "Some nights I don't know why I even bother to wear panties."
588-
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mum," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
589-
Her young bosom heaving in chagrin, Susan confessed her tearful tidings to her Mother.
"Oh Mum !" she sobbed, "I'm pregnant!"
"Ye gads!!!" screamed the Mother. "And just who is the Father?"
The daughter lifted up her weeping face and wailed "How the hell would I know. You're the one who would never let me go steady."
590-
I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter suddenly woke up.
Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out,
"Aha! I caught you!"
I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I, instead of the 'tooth fairy', was putting the money under her pillow, but her next words let me off the hook completely. .
"You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The tooth fairy left that for me!"
591-
At the age of six I was left an orphan.
What kind of idiot gives an orphan to a six-year-old?
592-
School 1960 vs. School 2007
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.
1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.
Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .
1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.
1960 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.
2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1960 - Ants die.
2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.
593-
The teenager came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my cheques with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
594-
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mummy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."
I was thinking quickly.
"All mums know this stuff. It's on the Mum Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mum."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH... I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad." ''Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face.
595-
Little Tommy says to his mum "Where do babies come from mummy?
"The stork brings them" she says
"Oh" says Tommy "Who fucked the stork?"
596-
A certain virginal and shy college freshman was lucky to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced.
When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate was quick to offer to set him up with a blonde who'd made the rounds of the campus. Just take this bimbo out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course, he explained reassuringly. This girl knows what the score is, and she's even a natural blonde.
The roommate arranged the date as promised.
The freshman was delighted by his cute, outgoing companion and they spent the evening dining and dancing.
On the way home he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in a cold sweat, and blurted out, "Gosh, I sure would love to have a little pussy."
"I would too," sighed the blonde, "Mine's the size of a goddamn milk pail."
597-
Walt lived in a block of flats which had a large, dark cellar. His four-year-old daughter Samantha and other kids who lived in the block liked playing down there, much to the worry of their parents. Finally the parents had a meeting and decided that they would all speak to their children, warning them of the dangers of playing down in the cellar.
A few weeks later, Walt was chatting with a neighbour and they proudly told each other that their respective offspring had stopped playing down in the cellar. "How did you stop your kid?" the neighbour asked.
"Well," said Walt, "I told Samantha that her mummy and I were very worried about her playing down the cellar. It's very dark and dangerous. The stairs are old and steep and slippery and she could lose her step, fall and badly hurt herself. There's broken glass all over the floor, and old crates that she could bump into and bruise herself. I said she's a grown-up little girl now and it would be irresponsible to go playing down there. And what did you tell your Jim?"
The neighbour replied, "I said, Jim, if you go down that cellar one more time, the little green goblin is going to come and cut your pecker off!"
598-
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear: "the young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, light-speed processing ....and," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said: "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young.....so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?" The applause was resounding... don't you just love senior citizens?
599-
A Christian family, comprising mum, dad and daughter were sitting around the dinner table with the reverend of their church as their
honoured guest. The mum told her daughter to start off the prayer so they can start eating dinner already. The daughter hesitated, "But
Mum!" After her mum gave her an encouraging look, she started the prayer. She started moaning and groaning, as if she's having an orgasm. She was also screaming, "Oooh, God! Ooooh, Jimmy! Oooh, God! Jimmy! Oh God, oh God!" All of a sudden, her mother stopped her. "What's
got into you?" She seemed embarrassed and surprised. The daughter then said to her mother, "What? That's what I hear you pray!"
600-
As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings. "My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one. "My sister takes gymnastics," said another. Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"
601-
The first year student had just gotten a beat up old VW beetle from his parents.
He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned the car directly between the house of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Balls
... luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.
602-
The very first sex education classes were in the 50's. Naturally, some of the teachers were embarrassed and used only very carefully chosen words.
In one class, the teacher was explaining the anatomy of the male genitalia. He said, "The human male testicles are about the size of Plover's eggs."
A female voice from the back quipped, "Hey... Neat !!! I've always wondered how big Plover's eggs were."
603-
Childhood obesity is becoming a real problem, even to the point of putting our kids at real risk.
Kids are so fat that they can't outrun their parish priest
604-
When the new school year started the history teacher was so excited because there were three little Indian boys in her class. She was beside herself with excitement. So she asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knows this. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Cherokee. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee."
The teacher says very good and asks the next little Indian boy to stand. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land. So, I know I am a Comanche."
The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last little Indian boy to stand up.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Fuckawee". The teacher looks dumb founded & says "I don't think there is any such tribe as the Fuckawee."
The little boy says, "My Father & I walked for many days and many nights, and many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day my Father stops and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looks around, an says: "Hmmmm, where the
Fuckawee"
605-
A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
606-
There is a French couple sitting up talking, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees.
The father goes to his son's room and says, "Son, do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?"
"Oh yes, Papa, I remember very well," says the son.
"Well son, it's time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing."
607-
Both my son and daughter-in-law are full-time college students, and don't have time or money for anything other than school.
I was with them in church one Sunday morning when the minister gave a sermon on marriage.
During the sermon, we heard... "The three most common problems that can lead to divorce," he warned, "involve money, children and sex."
At that, my son whispered to his wife... "We should be okay. We don't have any of those."
608-
A teacher asks a class to use
definitely in a sentence. Mary stands up and says " trees are definitely green",
"not in the winter" said miss.
"the sky is definitely blue", "no there can be cloud."
Then Jimmy stands up and asks, "Miss do farts have lumps in them?"
"No" she replied,"
"Then I've definitely shit myself"
609-
Fred and Mary got married, but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they went back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning Johnny, Fred's little brother, got up and had his breakfast.
As he was going out the door to go to school, he asked his Mum if Fred and Mary were up yet. She replies:
'No'. Johnny asked: 'Do you know what I think?'
His mum replies: 'I don't want to hear what you think, just go to school.'
Johnny came home for lunch and asked his mum: 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replied: 'No.' Johnny said: 'Do you know what I think?'
His mum replied: 'Never mind what you think. Eat your lunch and get back to school.'
After school, Johnny comes home and asked again: 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' His mum said: 'No!' He asks: 'Do you know what I think?'
His Mum replied: 'OK, tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night, Fred came to my room for Vaseline and I think I gave him my model airplane glue!'
610-
When I was a kid there were no paedophiles. We had to buy our own sweets.
611-
The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.
"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.
"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.
"Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"
Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."
612-
A 5 year old boy came running into his house to his mum excitedly yelling "Mum mum, we're sitting round the neighbours watching porn"!
Mum: "WHAT"!!?
The boy: "Relax mum! It's child porn"
613-
In a cruel twist of fate today, the 8 year old boy who weighs 14 stone had his dinner money stolen by school bullies.
They bought themselves a bike, an Xbox 360, 4 KFC family buckets and a weekend in Disneyland Paris.
614-
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned
into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mummy looked back once
while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a
telephone pole!'
GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and
bleeding, what would you do?'
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, ' Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing
when he was on the Ark?'
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how
powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can
anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
MOSES AND THE RED SEA:
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
'Well, Mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a
rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea,
he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up
the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his m other asked.
'Well, no, Mum. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe
it!'
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorise one of the most
quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to
learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't
remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first
line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the
congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the
microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to
know.'
UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and
bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him
why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't do it?' she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers
for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?'
The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of
the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and,
after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did just
then!'
TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
'Yes, sir,' the boy replied.
'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.
'No sir,' the boy replied 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family
member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,
'And all girls.' As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include
this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do
you always add the part about all girls?'
Her response, 'Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!'
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please
wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't have to,' The boy replied.
'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We say a prayer before eating, at our
house.'
'That's our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows
how to cook!
615-
A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."
616-
Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says,
'Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!'
Deep breath ... 'What did you call it?'
'It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!'
And so it does ...
' A f r i c a n Elephant '
617-
When I was 17, my mother remarried and moved to Tulsa Oklahoma, leaving me alone to finish my senior year of high school in the little town where we lived (She was only about an hour away and I was very responsible for my age).
One weekend, my girlfriend had decided to stay the night.
On Sunday morning we woke up and started to have sex. We got very involved and she started screaming very loudly, then we heard the toilet flush in the next room - my mother had come home for a Sunday lunch! When we finally got the courage to come out of the bedroom, my mother was sitting at the dining room table and asked "Did your father have the whole sex talk with you before we got divorced?" He hadn't, but as most kids did at that time we learned in school, I said "No mum, he did not." to which she replied, "I didn't think so, we were married for 28 years and he never made me scream like
that."
618-
I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my Mum about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last.
She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance.
When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."
619-
A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"
One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the Garden of Eden ?
620-
A bloke is watching TV, his wife is out at bingo. As he is settling down, his son, who was watching TV up in his room, appears in the doorway.
"Dad, what's love juice?"
The dad chokes on his beer and thinks, "well, he is twelve now, perhaps I should explain."
"Well, son," he says, "soon you will meet a girl who you fancy, you will become excited and your willy will get very hard."
The dad gulps and carries on, "you will touch the girl all over and when you reach the top of her leg it will feel wet - this is her love juice coming out of her vagina, it means she is ready for sexual intercourse."
The son looks curious and says, "ok, dad, thanks."
As he is leaving the room the dad says, "hang on son, what are you watching up there to make you ask that?"
The son replies, "just the tennis."
621-
They say good manners cost you nothing. Bollocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty grand!
J Morgan, Wigan .
622-
In a very exclusive private school near California's Silicon Valley, a third-grade teacher was lecturing her upper-high-class students about the less fortunate. She asked them each to write an essay about a poor family in the area.
One little girl's paper began: "Once upon a time there was a poor family. The father was poor. The mother was poor. The children were poor. The nannies were poor. The pool man was poor. The personal trainer was poor. The
gardeners were poor. . . . . This was a very poor family !"
623-
I was so unpopular as a child even my
imaginary friend played with all the other kids.
624-
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
625-
Little David was the recipient of a holster and a pair of toy six shooters on his birthday. He went to show off his new toys, in full cowboy regalia.
He went to the local ice cream stand, drew his pistols and exclaimed
"I want a sundae, and I want it NOW!"
The waitress asked him "What flavour?"
Little David replied, as he waved his guns "I want a chocolate sundae, and I want it NOW!"
The waitress asked, " Do you want whipped cream on it?"
Little David said "I want whipped cream on it, and I want it NOW!"
The waitress asked, " Do you want a cherry on it?"
Little David said "I want a cherry on it, and I want it NOW!"
The waitress asked, " Do you want your nuts crushed or chopped?"
Little David replied, "Do you want your tits shot off?"
626-
My son asked me the other day, "Daddy, why were you and Mummy wrestling in bed last night?"
I said, "Because Mummy likes to wrestle with Daddy. She thinks she's good at it, but she always ends up getting pinned."
" I want to wrestle with Mummy too!" he announced.
"I'm sorry, son," I said. "You're not old enough and we're not in Norfolk."
627
Little Johnny's 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.
"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"
Johnny says, "God, I'm coming!"
628-
The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which words were 'bad' words. Among those initiated to the category was the word 'suck' (when not referring to the principle of suction).
One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word.
"What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher.
"I can't say it."
"It's okay to tell me; you won't get in trouble for it."
"No, it's too bad. I don't want to say it."
"Well, I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without actually saying it?"
"Well... It rhymes with 'fuck'."
629-
God, it makes me laugh to think about all the lies my parents told me when I was a kid. Like how Santa Claus left presents for me under the tree for being a good boy all year, and how the Easter Bunny hid chocolate eggs around the house for praying hard to Jesus, and how the Sodomy Fairy bought me a bike for not saying anything to my mum...
630-
I got kicked out of school a few years back. The headmaster caught me behind the bike shed, fingering one of the girls from my class.
When I was leaving, he said it was a pity, because he reckoned I was the best Maths teacher the school had ever had.
631-
I remember when I got my first car and my father was advising me on dangers on the road. "Black ice is invisible," he said, "so watch out for it."
632-
When I was a wee lad......I was greatly disappointed by a man in my local park.
When we reached the bushes there were no puppies whatsoever and the sweeties were crap.
To top it all off, he had a really small cock...
633-
I saw that advert for the NSPCC:
"My dad comes into my room and makes me do things I don't want to"
Just tidy your room you lazy bitch!
634-
I was standing in a queue at a supermarket checkout with my young son and in front of us is a huge fat woman.
Suddenly she gets a text message and her mobile phone starts bleeping.
"Look out," shouts my son, "she's reversing!"
635-
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
He was older than some of the others. He said, " Damn if I know who signed the fucking thing."
She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.
Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe, as the teacher requested. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."
The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that fucking thing, you damn well better own up to it!"
636-
The government plan to introduce sex education in schools at the age of four.
I myself started receiving sex education at this age, in fact my uncle used to ram it down my throat.
637-
I don't see the big problem with drugs.
After all, it has taught a whole new generation of kids how to use the metric system.
638-
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college. He said,
"Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you some things from the chemist."
"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."
And he said, "you won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
639-
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'
The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'
640-
An answer that only a child from Glasgow could think of.
I was testing the children in my local Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven ?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'
Again, the answer was, 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.
Hey, this was fun! 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'
A six-year-old boy from Glasgow shouted out,
'YOU'VE GOT TAE BE FUCKIN' DEID'
641-
A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around the supermarket in a shopping cart. Each time she put something in the cart she would say, "And here's something for you, Diploma." or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma." and so on.
Eventually a bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"
The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to Virginia Tech and this is what she came home with!"
642-
A 13 year old was watching a movie on cable TV. A man ripped off a woman's blouse and said, "I want what I want when I want it!" The boy, turned on by the scene and the love-making which followed, finished watching the movie, and decided to try what he had just witnessed on the girl next door, a classmate. He went over to her house, found that her parents weren't home from work yet, ripped off her blouse; and then said, "I want what I want when I want it!" The girl stared at him and cooly replied... "You'll get what I got when I get it!"
643-
A student essay stated: "The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay prostitute at the bottom.
"In the margin of the paper, the professor commented: "My dear sir, you must learn to distinguish between a fallen woman and one who has merely slipped.
644-
Dear Pastor,
I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely,
Arnold
Age 8, Nashville
Dear Pastor,
Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week.
I am Peter Peterson.
Sincerely,
Pete
Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor,
My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.
Robert
Age 11, Anderson
Dear Pastor,
I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?
Love,
Patty
Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor,
My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.
Yours truly,
Annette
Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor,
I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.
Stephen
Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor,
I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.
Loreen
Age 9, Tacoma
Dear Pastor,
I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance.
Sincerely,
Patty
Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor,
Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.
Laurie
Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor,
I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner.
Love,
Ellen
Age 9, Athens
Dear Pastor,
Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher.
Thank you.
Alexander
Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor,
My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Joshua
Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor,
Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.
Carla
Age 10, Salina
Dear Pastor,
I like your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
Ralph
Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor,
How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
Sincerely,
Marie
Age 9, Lewiston
645-
Mrs. Smith pulled Mrs. Jones out of earshot of the porch, where Mrs. Jones' lovely young daughter, Linda, sat. "It is really none of my business," whispered Mrs. Smith, "but have you noticed what your daughter is doing?"
"Why, no. Is she up to anything special?"
Mrs. Smith leaned closer. "Haven't you noticed? She has started knitting tiny garments!"
Mrs. Jones' troubled brow cleared. "Well, thank goodness," she said smiling, "at last she has taken an interest in something besides running around with boys!"
646-
My dad walked in on me once when I was doing something naughty in my bedroom and he just sighed, said, "you'll go blind if you keep doing that!" and walked out.
So I stopped trying to poke myself in the eye with a pencil and had a wank instead.
647-
Stockings and suspenders.
Crotchless panties.
Micro miniskirt.
See through blouse.
Carlsberg don't make School Uniforms..................
648-
Schoolgirls are claiming that, during the summer holidays, they are bombarded with a large number of sexually explicit (and somewhat desperate) messages on sites such as Facebook.
Don't worry girls, it will all calm down in September - when the teachers go back to work.
649-
When I was naughty at school, the headmaster used to give me 'six of the best'
Now I'm grown up I bet I could take the other 2 inches
650-
Jill, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette.
The local priest walks by and gives her a glare. "Jill! Smoking at such a young age! Aren't you ashamed?"
"What?" said Jill? "You got something better to do after sex?"
651-
A young boy asked his mother where babies come from and she answered "Go ask your father".
He asked his father the same question and he answered, "Go ask your mother!"
Later that day at dinner the boy announced, "I know that I am not your son because neither one of you know where babies come from."
652-
"My teacher is really giving me a
tough time" Little Johnny was telling his father.
"Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised. "Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly."
"I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed. "She hissed at me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue."
653-
One day my mother went out and left my dad in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because 'it was just the cutest thing!'
My Mum waited and sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watched him drink it up.
Then she said, as only a mother could:
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'
654-
My wife is carrying our second child.
He's sixteen and I've told him to give her a break but he's a selfish little cunt.
655-
I learnt to swim at a very early age. When I was three my parents used to row me out to sea in a little boat until they got about a mile or so away from the shore - then I had to swim back.
I quite liked the swim - it was getting out of the sack that was difficult.
656-
A salesman knocks at the door and a young boy answers. The little boy says, "Please be quiet, sir. My mother is a prostitute and works all night. She sleeps during the day." The salesman scratches his head and says, "Well, I'll be a son of a bitch" The little boy replies, "I'm a bastard myself, but I don't go around ringing people's doorbells and telling them about it."
657-
A professor at the Air Force Institute of Technology, taught a series of popular courses on software engineering. The program was highly competitive and difficult to get into, but one student made the decision whether or not to accept him quite simple.
When asked to fax over his college transcript, the student stated, "Well, I would, but it's the only copy I have."
658-
My son is three-years-old and I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.
Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre
- and went to the jewellers.
659-
My Daughter got in late from a party.
I said to her, "I hope you were good!"
She said, "If that Gerry was telling the truth, I was fucking fantastic!"
660-
An English teacher spots a boy staring out the window and calls out a question, " You boy! Give me two pronouns."
The startled boy looks round and says, " Who? Me?"
661-
A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. "Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons." "Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair." "I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"
662-
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son, whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart on!"
Turning around to see her husband for the first time in years she replied, "at this point, I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Jones' for a couple hours."
663-
The wealthy financier was sitting in his study when his eldest son came to him. "Dad," the boy stammered, "I got a girl in trouble and she wants two thousand dollars to keep quiet about it." The father reluctantly wrote a check for the amount; but just as he finished signing it, his second son burst in with the same bad news, only this time the amount requested was three thousand dollars. While he was writing the second check, his youngest daughter appeared at the door of the study, weeping. "Daddy," she sobbed uncontrollably, "I think I'm pregnant." "Aha," the financier exclaimed gratefully. "Now we collect!"
664-
The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog." Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a
'collie'flower!"
665-
CHILDREN IN CHURCH
A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said:
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
666-
Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing.
After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have some beer too?"
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back. "No."
"Well, then you're not big enough."
Grandpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.
"No."
"Well, then you're not big enough."
Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"
Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"
Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick, so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."
Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies."
667-
Two Columbia Yuppies, neighbours for years, were constantly trying to "out-status" each other. The first man mentioned that his daughter had just been accepted at Vassar.
"That's nice," replied the other, "but the main thing the girls really learn there is fornication."
The first man became irate and said, "I'll have you know my wife attended Vassar!"
The neighbour smiled and said, "Take it from me, Pal, she certainly could use a refresher course."
668-
Kid Science Quotes
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. [this guy is going to do well in college!]
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
Water vapour gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
The wind is like the air, only pushier.
669-
Grade Change Form
------------------------------------------------------------ ____________________University
To: Professor____________________ From:______________________
I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:
______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did. ______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did. ______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into ______Medical School ______Graduate School ______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority ______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech ______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in _______________. ______5. I'll lose my scholarship. ______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam. ______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam. ______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact. ______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles. _____10. You are prejudiced against: ______Males ______Jews ______Blacks ______Females ______Catholics ______Whites ______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities ______Chicanos ______People ______Students _____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance. _____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness: ______mono ______broken baby finger ______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy ______VD ______fatherhood _____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done. _____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull. _____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade. _____16. The lectures were: ______too detailed to pick out important points ______not explained in sufficient detail ______too boring ______all jokes and not enough material ______all of the above _____17. This course was: ______too early, I was not awake. ______at lunchtime, I was hungry ______too late, I was tired _____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate / wet) on my
(book, notes, paper) for this course. _____19. Other______________________________________________
670-
A young black boy puts his hand up in class and asks the teacher if he can have
Thursday off to go to funeral. The teacher says "yes, of course".
Then a white boy asks if he can have Friday off. the teacher asks, "what for?". The white boy says that he wants to go strawberry picking. The teacher says no he can't. Then the little white boy says back, "
Thats not fair, you're lettin him have Thursday off to go blackberrying"
671-
It’s Friday afternoon and Miriam picks up her 5 year old daughter Esther at the end of her first week at primary school. When they get home, Miriam asks Esther, "Well, darling, how was your first week at your lovely new school? Was it as nice as mummy told you it would be?"
"No, mummy," replies little Esther, looking very serious, "no it was not!"
"Oh my poor wonderful darling," says Miriam sadly, "why didn’t you enjoy yourself?"
Little Esther replies, "Well mummy, I think I'm just wasting my time going to school."
"Why is this, my beautiful princess?" asks Miriam.
"Because, mummy," replies little Esther, "I can't write properly, I can't read properly, and my teacher won't let me talk."
672-
A school teacher
sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."
673-
I taught sex education in the South Bronx, and as a sixth grade teacher I was told to answer all their sex questions. One kid asked, "Is there any part of the woman's body known as the Volvo?" Which I thought was a good question.
I said, "Only on Swedish women."
674-
Walt lived in a block of flats, which had a large, dark cellar. His four-year-old daughter Samantha and other kids who lived in the block liked playing down there, much to the worry of their parents. Finally the parents had a meeting and decided that they would all speak to their children, warning them of the dangers of playing down in the cellar.
A few weeks later, Walt was chatting with a neighbour and they proudly told each other that their respective offspring had stopped playing down in the cellar. "How did you stop your kid?" the neighbour asked.
"Well," said Walt, "I told Samantha that her mummy and I were very worried about her playing down the cellar. It's very dark and dangerous. The stairs are old and steep and slippery and she could lose her step, fall and badly hurt herself. There's broken glass all over the floor, and old crates that she could bump into and bruise herself. I said she's a grown-up little girl now and it would be irresponsible to go playing down there. And what did you tell your Jim?"
The neighbour replied, "I said, Jim, if you go down that cellar one more time, the little green goblin is going to come and cut your pecker off!"
675-
Johnny's mother entered little Johnny's room and woke him. "Come on Johnny time to wake and get ready for school" Johnny groggily pleaded, "Ahhh come on mom, just 5 more minutes please!"
She replied, " Ok, 5 more minutes then you get up and shower and come down stairs for breakfast."
After little Johnny had his shower. His mother heard him crying as he came down stairs. "Johnny, What's wrong."
"I had my first wet dream"
His mother was a little unsettled with his response. And replied. "Well that isn't anything to be upset about. It's perfectly natural and normal. It means you're growing up"
"No mom it isn't that. You don't understand!"
"Well what is it then?"
"When my friends ask me. What I said after my first ejaculation. I'm going to have to say". "Ahhh come on mom, just 5 more minutes please!"
676-
A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"
So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates.
She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair,.... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.
After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.
"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."
"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewellery!"
677-
A Nun Grading Papers:
1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the jews to the red sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
678-
When I was a kid my dad taught me that saving money was a great idea.
Whenever I had a spare penny, he told me to put it in my blue box.
When I had enough I would swap them for a ten pence and put them in my red box.
When I had enough tens, I would swap them for a fifty pence and put them in my black box.
Took me years to learn that I was feeding the fucking gas meter.
679-
When I was a kid my budgie died, so my mum went out and bought an identical replacement, hoping I wouldn't realise.
But I did and I killed that one too.
680-
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.
"Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?"
The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."
681-
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mum has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
682-
Don't hit children.
No seriously, they have guns now.
683-
I met my girlfriend's father for the first time yesterday. I don't think he liked me.
My mates told me to just be honest.
You should have seen the look he gave me when I said, "Hello sir, I'm Dave. Thousands of my potential children died on your daughter's face last night."
684-
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."
685-
One evening, my husband and I heard sobbing coming from our three-year-old, Billy's, room. We found him crying hysterically.
He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.
Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear.
Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"
686-
Stephen Hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his computer all day.
687-
Parent's Dictionary of Meanings ...
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
688-
Leaving Certificate Ordinary Level Examination Paper. SEXISM STUDIES
Time allowed 3 hrs.
Attempt all questions. If you do not know the answer to a particular question attempt to look at someone else's paper by knocking your biro onto the floor and having a shufty while you lean over to retrieve it. You are allowed one visit to the toilet to look at the answers you wrote on the wall yesterday. After ten minutes, request more paper to spook the other candidates into thinking that you must have wrote loads. Attempt to introduce the one or two facts you are reasonably sure of into the answers to every question. At 4.30 exactly, everybody cough to make the invalidator jump. With three minutes to go, suddenly realise there are 4 more questions on the back of the page that you haven't spotted.
Section A (50%)
1. Explain why the best women's football team in the world wouldn't stand a chance against you and ten of your mates. Include in your answer: a) Why they are unable to kick a ball straight b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the bath after the match, though.
2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs. Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for recreational purposes.
3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.
4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at your
mate's house while his parents were away for the weekend. a)Sex Boat b)Three Into One Will Go c)King Dong d)Speared by Zulu Lovers
5. Women drivers, eh? Discuss.
Section B (50%)
1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What apparatus would you require? What risks would you run in lighting a fart and what are the benefits? Write a balanced chemical equation to describe the reaction.
2. Name something a woman has invented.
3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor granddad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired.
4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini Diablo and the Ferrari Testerossa without ever having seen, let alone driven, either.
689-
One of our school's maths teachers was giving a lesson on fractions and wrote an example on the chalkboard. He explained that the numerator was the top and the denominator the bottom. Leaning against the board, he asked the class, "Are there any questions?"
When he turned back to face the board, laughter filled the room. "Mr. Alexander," one student giggled, "you have chalk dust all over your denominator!"
690-
A few years ago, Charlie Brown and the PEANUTS gang made a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special entitled, WHY, CHARLIE BROWN, WHY?
Recently, Metropolitan Life Assurance Company has put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the PEANUTS gang dealing with such issues as the loss of a loved one, writing a will, and dealing with a permanent disability. Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues, how about some PEANUTS specials for the kids of the '90s?
We could learn about V. D. in, IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN.
Chuck and the Little Red-Headed Girl find out about unwanted pregnancy in, IT'S BLUE, CHARLIE BROWN!
Is Linus gay? Find out in, IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN
Explore the real problems of child abuse in America in, YOU MADE ME DO THAT, CHARLIE BROWN!
See how the PEANUTS gang deals with date rape in, NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!
Discover a father's forbidden love in, IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN.
Franklin speaks The PEANUTS gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in, IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN!
What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego Mr. Clean in, GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN.
Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing Social Security checks and boosting automobiles in GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN!
691-
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling,
"Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree."
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
"OOOOhhhh" said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling,
"Mommy, I got ten dollars."
The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is..."
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said,
"It's ok Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today."
692-
A young Jewish man had just finished high school and wanted to go to college. He approached his father and said, "Dad, would you send me to college?" "Son," he replied, "You don't even know what's what! When you know what's what, I'll send you to college." His father then offered his son a job in the family business--a furniture store. The boy--let's call him Sam--worked in his father's store for the next year. After the year was over he approached his father again. "Dad," he said, "I've worked for you for a year. Now will you send me to college?" His dad replied, "Son, you still don't know what's what! When you know what's what I'll send you to college!" Sam was dejected. He left and went to a bar to have a drink. At the bar he met an attractive young lady. They seemed to hit it off well. They both left and went to her apartment. After an hour of a little of this and a little of that on the sofa, the young lady said she was going to go to her bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. When she returned she was totally naked, except for a tiny belt around her waist. Sam looked at her in astonishment. Sam pointed to the belt and asked, "What's that?" The lady answered, "What's what?" Sam replied, "If I knew what's what I'd be in college!!!"
693-
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.
Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?"
694-
After a somewhat enforced term of government employment at a very unacceptable. but non negotiable, salary, I decided to pursue a college degree to improve any future financial rewards available for the use my personal services. After discharge from my Uncle Sam's care, It was apparent that he obviously felt some guilt over screwing me over for the past few years and reluctantly agreed to help fund my matriculation at a local college. I graduated from the school, with luck and a definite degree of sacrifice Trying to balance study, partying, many part time jobs, partying, standing in line trying to justify my right to claim unemployment dollars as I could not find anyone looking to hire a 50 caliber machine gun operator. partying, plus my social service volunteer work, helping available nubile female students pass their human sexuality classes, and imbibing at parties, it was amazing that I survived. I really never felt any allegiance to the school itself. Once I was outta that particular pile of bricks, I
harboured no particular desire to ever contribute to their latest fund drive, join any alumni associations or attend any athletic events. But sure enough, a few years later, someone in the Alumni Affairs staff called my parents, and tracked down my current phone number and called. "So, what have you been doing with yourself?" the perky alumnus inquired. I responded, "Oh, not a lot. Just hot wiring and stealing cars, running a little moonshine on the side, when I'm not running a few hookers ." Needless to say, I haven't heard from them again.
695-
A paedophile stops two 10 year old girls in the forest. He says to them kindly:
"Girls I'll give you a sweet each if I can touch your hair."
The two girls look at each other and they say fine. He gives them the sweets and strokes their hair.
"I'll give you two more sweets, if I can stroke your shoulders."
The two girls say fine, he gives them the sweets, and strokes their shoulder. Then he says:
"I'll give you two more sweets if I can stroke your backs."
The two girls look at each other and one says to the other:
"By the time he fucks us, we'll be diabetic."
696-
The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool chemistry final exam.
The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting “Oh God please somebody help me!”
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”.
697-
Little Johnny and his best buddy Billy wanted to go fishing, so they got into their boat and headed out into the ocean. After traveling several miles a very large wave came at them and capsized their
small boat. As soon as they got into the water and started to swim a large shark came by and chewed both of Billy's arms off.
Billy yelled at Little Johnny, "I can't swim, a shark bit my arms off!
Little Johnny yelled back, "Try to get on my back and I will swim us over to that island."
So Billy got on Little Johnny's back and they headed toward the island. After swimming for a long time they finally made it to the beach. Little Johnny got up on the sand and just about passed out from all that hard swimming. He looked at Billy and said, "Damn my butt is sore. I didn't know swimming would make my butt so sore!"
And Billy said, "I'm sorry, but that was the only way I could hang on."
698-
STOP IGNORiNG ME
So I know we've been flirting with the idea of seeing one another for some time now... must have been a few years ago that you promised to finally pay attention to me. I've overheard you talking to friends about how you're going to finally "finish" me and it drives me crazy. I'm in all your classes, too, but you somehow ignore me until the very last minute, then we just have these unsatisfying quickies before you hand me over. we should really hang out more. I miss those days when you actually
cared. Other chicks in the class work on me for WEEKS at a time, and then some more. I know we're meant to be together.
Just close the damn Onion webpage and LOOK AT ME! None of this "5 more minutes" crap.
I want you NOW! missing you-
your homework
699-
What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
5. Her athletic ability is marvellous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He's a bully).
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner's Guide).
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).
700-
As an instructional assistant for a public school, part of my job involves teaching small groups of children. One day, I was in charge of some second graders who were concentrating on their artwork. As I reached across to help a student, he remarked that something smelled good.
I was pleased that he noticed my perfume, until he held a wide felt-tip pen up to his nose and said, "Yep, new markers!"
701-
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
702-
My Old Science teacher died last week and I had to say a few words at the crematorium. I had no idea what to say, so I said
"Method - Put dead body in coffin,
Observation - Burned with a bright orange red flame
Conclusion - No more fucking homework
703-
Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?
When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.
"Dancing," she replied.
The first school disco I went to, I got fucking expelled.
704-
An overweight man was waiting in line at a bank. There were two teenage boys in line behind him.
They were giggling and making fun of how fat the man was. After five minutes of this the man turned to the boys and asked them politely to stop, as he couldn't help his weight problem.
With this the boys asked: Oh, and why are you so fat Mister?
The man turned around and replied: "Well, every time I screwed your mother, she gave me a cookie."
705-
Men are from Mars, Women from Venus. RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
You know the book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted).
English 44A~SMU~Creative Writing
Prof. Miller
In class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. And now, the Assignment as submitted by
Rebecca & Gary:
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...". But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?", she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu-udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu-udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
706-
Grandma, who was living with her daughter's family, let her 11-year-old grandson in from school. "What did you learn today?" she asked.
"Sex education. All about penises and vaginas and intercourse and stuff," he replied matter-of-factly. The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to her daughter. Her daughter replied, "Mom, this is the Nineties. These days it's all part of the curriculum." A few hours later, the grandmother was reading when her daughter announced that dinner was ready. Grandmother walked past her grandson's bedroom and noticed him on his bed, vigorously masturbating. "Sonny," she said, "when you're finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat."
707-
Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my
Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."
Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."
"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"
708-
While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.
"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.
"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behaviour."
At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
709-
Kids: say "no" to drugs!
Though, if you're talking to drugs, you're probably on them already.
710-
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mum," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
711-
During the Depression years, children always found something to do and something to talk about. Those were frustrating years for both the children and the parents, but mostly for the parents. The children didn't know any better.
One day three young boys were playing, and talking about their home life with their parents. One little boy said, "It's about time I be getting home, because if I'm late for supper, my Paw will get mad and whip up on me. He's a real mean Paw."
The second little boy said, "Your Paw ain't mean, I got the meanest Paw in the world." The first little boy said, "How come you say that?"
The second little boy said, "Every time I go home, he slaps me if I say something, and if I don't say something he slaps me. Man I just don't know what to do anymore."
The third little boy said, "Not me, I got the best Paw in the world. He plays with me, and do things with me. He's a real good Paw."
The first two boys looked at him kind of funny and said, "Do he teach you how to do things too?"
The third boy said, "He sho' do, he's teaching me how to swim! Every morning he takes me out to the middle of the lake, and let's me swim back to the shore."
The first two said, almost in unison, "Ain't it kind of hard to swim from the middle of the lake back to the shore?"
"Naw, man, that's the easy part, the hard part is getting out of that sack!"
712-
Ruth takes one look inside her 10 year old son Daniel’s bedroom and immediately goes downstairs to confront him. "Daniel," she says to him, "I thought you told me that you had thoroughly cleaned your room. I’ve just taken a look at it and it’s still a big mess. What have you got to say about it?"
"I really don’t know why you’re making such a fuss, mum," Daniel replies. "After all, I never actually told you my room was clean."
"Oh but you did, Daniel," says Ruth.
"No, mum, you’re wrong there," says Daniel. "What I actually told you at 5.10pm this afternoon was, ‘OK mum, I’m done with the cleaning of my room’."
Ruth can’t help but smile. "OK smarty pants," she says, "I should have remembered that you want to be a lawyer when you grow up. You’re obviously going to make a brilliant lawyer."
713-
Teacher Applicant
After being interviewed By the school administration, The eager teaching prospect said: 'Let me see If I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids,
And fill their every waking moment with a love for learning, And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, Check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.
You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, How to balance a checkbook, And how to apply for a job.
I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, Recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the state exams, Even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.
Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps Get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate regularly with the parents By letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.
All of this I am to do With just a piece of chalk, A computer, A few books, A bulletin board, A big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!
You want me to do all of this and then you tell me...
I CAN'T PRAY?'
714-
Next time your having an argument with your dad and you're losing, tell him that you've been further inside your mother and made her scream louder that he ever has.
715-
When I was a kid my dad told me that if you wank it blurs your vision and stunts your growth...
I said "I'm over here shorty"
716-
A teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
“All right children, let's take an example,” she said. “If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?”
A little boy raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, “You'd be his wife.”
717-
"I understand there is now a new virginity movement in high schools around the country where kids are now saving themselves for the right teacher."
718-
Sunday school teacher Ms. Brown had a class of five-year-olds. She began the lesson by saying, "Today we are going to study about Peter. Can anybody tell me who Peter was?"
A little lad in the back of the group raised his hand.
"Oh, how nice," Ms. Brown said. "Billy knows. Billy, please come up front and tell the class who Peter was."
Billy quickly came to the front and said with great pride in his voice,
"I fink he was a wabbit."
719-
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper on the web.
720-
My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our favourite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken".
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favourite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her "Colonel Sanders". She sent me to the principal's office again.
This school stuff is really confusing.
721-
A little boy asks his dad where poo comes from.
Dad explains ' Food passes down the oesophagus
'Blimey' says the little boy, 'So where does Tigger come from?'.
722-
A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had fuckall', he says, 'FUCK ALL'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada . Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got fuck all for breakfast'.
723-
When I was a kid, I had an auntie who used to always call me by my brother's name. It really pissed me off.
Finally, I just snapped. I said, 'You are the biggest fucking idiot I've ever met.' She got all upset, and rang my dad.
My brother still has the scars from the beating he got.
724-
A group of one hundred freshmen from McGill University each contributed 10 bucks to the kitty. When the money was collected, they drew lots to see which one would have the night's pleasure of visiting Montreal's most famous call girl who charges one thousand dollars for a super sex fling. That night the winner, a love-starved, panting youth named Spencer, went to her luxurious boudoir and handed her the money. "That's a huge sum of money for a college boy to have," she told him. He explained the entire situation to her, telling her how all the boys had drawn lots to see who would have the joy of her shapely favors. She was touched by the story and remembered her early days when a buck looked plenty big in her purse. With softening heart she said, "I'm going to do something that I've never done before. I'm going to give you back your money." Then she gave him back his ten dollars.
725-
The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.
Two months later, when Mum found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him."
"Yes," Mum replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mum was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children screamed, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"
726-
I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?" "Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's boyfriend."
727-
"How is it I find you sleeping with my daughter?" stormed the outraged father. "I ask you, you little bastard, how is it?!" "Why, just great, sir," replied the calm young man, "just great!"
728-
No one is more cautious than a first time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.
The day of the first ride, I put her in the seat, double checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the chin.
729-
Having a family breakfast at a local restaurant, my very active seven-year-old nephew, Andrew, was given a blank paper placemat and crayons to keep him entertained. He busily created pictures including all the family members. When finished, he turned to me and
said, "Look, Uncle Wayne, I made a picture of you." I looked at it and
said, "Hey, that's great! You made me look so tall and slim." He replied, "Yeah, I know, but I was running out of paper."
730-
If you have a faculty for making love, you'll find a student body.
731-
One day a small boy was at school. In Social Studies class, his teacher was talking about
people's last names, about how in the old days their last name used to be their occupation. She gave examples like Baker, which meant they where a baker for a living, Miller meant that person worked in a mill, and so on. Then a little boy raised his hand and the teacher said "Do you have an example for the class?"
He said " Not really, more of a question."
"Well what's your question?" the teacher asked.
"Well," said the little boy, "What did John Hancock do for a living?"
732-
My wife and I teach first-grade Sunday school, and we sometimes laugh at the things our students say. Once, while teaching a lesson on forgiving others, I asked the following question: "What would you do if your best friend hit you?" Several children said, "Tell on him" or "Hit back." Anna, looking quite thoughtful about the situation, slowly raised her hand. When I called on her, she said firmly, "I'd get a new best friend!"
733-
A teenager asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?"
Granny replies, Fuck the pills!! Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
734-
I have an idea to lower teenage pregnancy rates in the UK.
Replace the current sex education in our schools with porn.
It would mean the girls would accept anal as the norm and the boys would know to pull out and come on the girl's tits.
735-
A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!
736-
I'm adopted, and I'm glad my parents were at least honest enough to tell me.
But why everyday?
737-
When I was a kid, I used to think it would be really cool to be just like Keith from the Partridge Family. Only when I got older did I realize that having your mom on keyboards really cuts down on the opportunities to get backstage fellatio from groupies.
738-
The other day my little six-year-old son talked back to my wife because she told him to do something.
He said, "No, I don't want to to."
In the end I had to pull him to one side and say, "Listen, Son, can you teach me how to do that?"
739-
Grandmother says to her young grandson,
“Be a love and help me put this suppository in!”
He says, “Course I will, Gran!”
So she bends over, pulls her knickers down and spreads her legs.
The grandson says, “Do I put it in the brown hole Gran or feed it to the turkey?”
740-
In a biology and science class the teacher asks the young pupils:’ who can tell me what the chicken gives us?’
One of the pupils waved his hand, ‘yes Jimmy’
‘The chicken gives eggs’
‘Very good Jimmy’ said the teacher ‘and what the pig gives?’
John raised his hand and says:’ Pork chops’
‘That’s right’ says the teacher ‘and what the sheep gives?’
Sara raised her hand:’ Wool and lamb chops’
The teacher very pleased with her class asked; ‘and what does the cow give?’
Johnny raises his hand and shouts:’ homework’
741-
Alfie Patton the 13 year old father, has joined the group "Fathers for Justice".
In a interview he said......... "It made sense... as I already have a Spiderman Outfit"
742-
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Asian Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're
fucked!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.
743-
The teacher asks her small pupils to tell the class what his or her father does for a living.
This one father’s is a carpenter that one’s an accountant and then it’s little Josh turn and he stands up and tell the class abut his father passion with cars.
‘My father decided to do an experiment’ he says ‘he took Porsche tires, a Mercedes CD player, seats from a BMW, brakes from a Mitsubishi and a steering wheel from a Toyota’
The teacher said: ‘That’s very impressive, and what did he get in the end?’
The boy said:’3 years in jail’
744-
I phoned a child abuse line the other day
The kid at the other end of the line told me to fuck off
745-
My son was watching me have breakfast and smiled and said, "Dad, one day I want to be just like you."
"What a Fireman?" I replied.
"No," he answered. "I just want to fuck mum."
746-
A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.
"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."
"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.
"The first eight guys felt great, but after them it got really sore."
747-
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunch time.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly, "Wow, she's fat!
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.
Just then her pager begins to emit a "beep, beep, beep".
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your fuckng life, she's reversing".
748-
One of the girls just walked into my office and began looking at the pictures of my children.
"These are all of them when they were young," she said. "Why don't you get some recent pictures of them?"
"Because," I said, "I use these pictures to remind me of when they were little and sweet. That way, when I go home I don't kill the little bastards."
749-
A father found his small son looking very unhappy.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
The boy said, "I can't get along with your wife."
750-
A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She then went around the circle and asked each one a question.
"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"
Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"
"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"
Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"
751-
An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about
10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!' 'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply. The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed h is little feet, and dried them with the towel. By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, ' No doubt, you will be more comfortable now. ' As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up in to her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her. 'Are you God's wife?'
752-
As my son dawdled off to school, I shouted at him, "hurry up or you'll be late."
He shouted back, "it's ok they're open until 3.30.
753-
A mother walks into a college saying that after 3 years of fat comments her daughter finally killed herself.
She cries ' let’s hear you make a joke out of that ? '
A voice from the back simply says ' She would have needed a thick rope.'
754-
It's Career Day at school and the teacher is having the students stand up, state their parents' occupation, and then spell it.
Davie stands up and says, "My dad's a doctor. And that's D O C T O R. Doctor."
"Very good," the teacher says to Davie. "Mike?"
Mike stands up. "My mom's a lawyer. L A W Y E R. Lawyer."
"Excellent. Bruce?"
Bruce gets up and says, "Uhh, my daddy, he be one of dem 'sheet metal workers. Dat's S H I . . . “
"Ummm, no, Bruce," the teacher corrects, "That's not the way you spell it. Try it again."
"Uhhh, 'Sheet Metal Worker.' S H I . . . “
"Tell you what, Bruce, why don't you go up to the board and spell it out up there. Little Kevin, your turn."
Little Kevin watches Bruce shuffle off to the blackboard. "Well, my dad's a bookie and I can't spell that. But I can give you two to one odds that Bruce spells 'shit' when he gets up to the blackboard."
755-
My grandson, Justus, age 10, and his sister Taylor, age 13, were always teasing each other. One day, Justus was getting "sensitive" about things his sister was saying to him. I reminded him that he had said the same types of things many times in days past. With quiet reflection, he spoke a gospel truth: "But it doesn't hurt as much coming out of my mouth as it does going into my ears."
756-
I hear there are now terrorist training schools for infants
Little Mohammed's first day:
Mohammed why are you late??
I left my bag on the bus!
Well done A+
757-
Little Johnny's teacher was having trouble with him disrupting the class by always telling lies and making up stories. So she went to the principal about this and he told her the next time this happened to send little Johnny to his office. Sure enough here came little Johnny and the principal was ready to teach him a lesson.
He told Johnny to take a seat, he wanted to tell him a story. He said, "Johnny, the other day I decided to go duck hunting but I only had two shots. So, I fired my first shot and killed two ducks. They were falling out of the sky and fell into a tree, where they hit four squirrels and killed them. So, the two ducks and four squirrels came falling to the ground where they hit two rabbits and killed them. Just as I was going to gather up my animals, a bear came out and started to get them.
"Then the weirdest thing happened. A little dog showed up out of nowhere and attacked the bear, so I was able to get all the animals I had killed. Now, little Johnny, you believe that story don't you?"
Little Johnny said, "Sure I do. That was my dog and that's the third bear he's got this year!"
758-
A dyslexic kid is with his mum and he asks
"Mum can I have a McDonalds for lunch?"
His mum replies "If you can spell it"
So the kid says "Fuck it, I'll have a KFC"
759-
A mum of an 8-year-old boy was awaiting her son's arrival from school. As he ran in, he said he needed to talk to her about making babies. He claimed he knew about the development of a fetus but didn't understand the answer to that "million dollar question." Namely, how did the sperm get into the woman?
The mum asked the boy what he thought the answer was.
The boy said that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, it rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth whereupon he kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.
The mum told her boy that was a good guess, but wrong. She said that she would give him a hint... that the sperm came out of the man's penis.
Suddenly, the boy's face became quite red and he said, "YOU MEAN YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT THING!?"
760-
A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate I'll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery. On the day he was admitted his mother asked Dr. could you please circumcise him while he is asleep.
The Dr. agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for several days.
After about a week he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon. He asked him to tell him about the surgery.
The little boy replied 'all I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you think they are.'
761-
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?" Pupil : "The moon". Teacher : "Why?" Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
762-
Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery shopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprinkle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.”
Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying and, instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, "Miss, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.”
And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mum isn’t defending his arse. She just stares at me wide-eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide-eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the
twat she is.
I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.
763-
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
764-
Mother to teenage daughter: "You're going to have to learn to lick your smoking problem... and you're going to have to learn to lick your drinking problem... and as for sex, well, h... uh... uh... you're going to have to learn to fight that too !
765-
A little girl's prayer
Dear God
This year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer ...
Amen
766-
After spending three years as a pissed up degree student, I decided it was time to give something back.
Traffic cones mostly.
767-
My maths teacher is the
biggest twat - he staples McDonald's application forms to failed maths tests.
768-
Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers
is? Well here it is:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with
his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old
granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.. Just he and his
granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like
being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would
take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran
upstairs to see her Grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied,
and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's
ass anywhere we went today!'
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
769-
One day a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out all of
the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the
students all handed the tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 note to his
test with a note saying "A dollar per percentage point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out.
This student got back his test and $64 change.
770-
Just before
school started, my seven-year-old daughter, Sharon, called to say she'd found a
puppy in the playground. "Can I bring it home?" she pleaded. "If it is still
there at lunchtime, we'll see what we can do." I said, stalling, assuming the
dog would be long gone.
At noon, Sharon walked through the door cradling a darling black bundle. "Oh I
said. "The pup was still there?" "Of course, Mum," Sharon replied. "I tied it
up."
771-
Sally: Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever
handle the middle of the night feeding?
Grandma: No. I always did that. Sally: That must have been before you had
women's liberation.
Grandma: No, it was before we had baby bottles.
772-
When the preacher approached the young boy who was fishing in the park pond, he
said, "Do you know the parables?"
"Yes Sir!!" the Lad quickly replied.
"Which do you like the best?"
The boy looked up, and said with a big grin, "The one where everybody loafs and
fishes!"
773-
One Sunday in a Midwest
City , a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were
losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle
on his way out..
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to
the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
774-
I'm quite worried what the kids are up to lately. Today saw a small girl
imitating the doggy position with her Barbie and Ken dolls, I said ' you will
have baby dolls if you do that' she said 'It's OK he's doing it up her arse'
775-
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his
foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was
really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned
around. To his horror he saw a train coming.
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and
I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train
getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop
swearing AND being bad!"
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little
Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the
tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up
little Mary's dress."
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell
backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off, looked
toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself..."
776-
As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door.
'I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside,' I said.
Again, he shouted back.
'I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to
hear you, walk into the living room,' I replied.
A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.
'Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes.'
777-
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten
track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately,
one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a
bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile,
the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his
breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin'
license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and
gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden,
"you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if
you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend
back there, well, he don't have one."
778-
I sat with my infant son in front of the TV, hostage to my husband's
channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress
was soon topless.
"Honey, change the channel," I said, shielding my son's eyes. "He shouldn't see
this."
"It's okay." my husband replied. "He probably thinks it's the Food Network.
779-
When I was a toddler, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" just
after a swear word.
I'll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us
knew any French.
780-
I had an argument with
my dad the other day and he said something really hurtful.
He said “I wish you were never born!”
I was stunned
He then said “Thanks to you, your mother’s vagina is ruined!”
But I still think I got him back pretty good
I replied “that’s bullshit!.... I only do her up the arse”
The look on his face was priceless
781-
It was Palm Sunday, and the family's 6-year old son had to stay home from
church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home
carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for.
His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go to church, and
Jesus shows up!"
782-
Little Johnny ran out to a field his Pa was ploughing to report, "there's a
strange man at the house. I dunno what he wants."
"Son," the father told him, "if it's the landlord, he wants his rent. If it's
the banker, he's come to foreclose the mortgage. And if it's a travelling
salesman, you run home fast as your legs will carry you and sit in your maw's
lap til I get there!"
783-
Little Johnny got the crabs from a girlfriend and wanted to know how to get rid
of them. There are three options.
1. Hold a mirror opposite of your genitals and the crabs will think that there
is another crotch to jump off onto.
2. Shave off half of your pubic hair, set the other half on fire and stab the
crabs with an ice pick when they run out of the first half.
3. Go to a movie; buy a box of popcorn, a coke, and a pack of milk duds. When
the movie is really getting to a point of real excitement be sure to drop some
of the popcorn into your lap so the crabs can eat some of the popcorn. The salt
in the popcorn will make the crabs really thirsty, and they will go to the lobby
to get some water. While they are gone, you get up and move to another seat.
784-
Students, cause chaos in your town. Wait until you spot some young lads from the
council digging up the road.
Call the police and tell them there are some students, dressed as roadworkers,
digging up the road for a bet.
Then approach the roadworkers, and tell them that some students, dressed as
policemen, are going to try to arrest them.
Get a deckchair and enjoy the action.
785-
Teaching an English
lesson, the teacher wrote on the board, fully aware of the grammar errors:
"I ain't had no fun in months"
"Now, how should I correct this sentence."
"Get a new boyfriend," said Little Johnny
786-
Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her
heart would break.
"What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor.
"My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed.
"How did he break it, Emily?"
"I hit him over the head with it."
787-
Hey kids, why don't you try a new social networking tool?
It's called, "outside".
788-
A few years ago, we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was
situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate agent decided to have open
house inspection nearly every day to promote the sale. We instructed the
children not to talk to anyone about the house.
One evening, a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house
had any secrets he should know about. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore
his question. But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there
was one secret, but she could not tell him.
"Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret. I promise I won't
tell anyone."
She looked him straight in the eye and whispered, "We have monsters in our
sewer."
789-
Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill
Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and
will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct
teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this
concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you
to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be
a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a
different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your
mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.
They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to
you talk about how cool you think you are. So before you save the rain forest
from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your
own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS
NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as
MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest
resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very
few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own
time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave
the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If you agree, pass it on.
If you can read this - Thank a teacher!
790-
My
son asked m