Kids & School
1-
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, He politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, And I've just buried him." The
neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?'
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
2-
One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.
Amused and curious the mother replied, "Really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thing sort of stands up, and then Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of just does stuff, and that's where babies come from!"
Her Mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, honey that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from, that's where jewellery comes from."
3-
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in North London and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Spurs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Spurs
fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says:
"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Spurs fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Spurs fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm an Arsenal fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you an Arsenal fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from Highbury, and my mum is an Arsenal fan and my dad is an Arsenal fan, so I'm an Arsenal fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be an Arsenal fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
4-
A six year old girl walks into the bathroom when her father is having a shower.
"Daddy, daddy, what's that?", she said pointing at his genitalia.
"Oh, erm, it's a hedgehog!", he embarrassingly replied.
"Well it's got a hell of a big dick", she snapped back.
5-
A woman takes a lover in the afternoon while her husband is working. One day her little boy comes home early and she puts him in the closet. Then the husband comes home early too, she puts the lover in the same closet.
Boy: Sure is dark in here.
Lover: Sure is.
Boy: I have a baseball
Lover: How nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Lover: How much?
Boy:$25.00
Lover: That's outrageous.
Boy My dad is outside.
Lover: Ok I will buy it.
A few weeks later the same thing happens and they both end up in the closet again.
Boy: Sure is dark in here
Lover: Sure is.
Boy: I have a baseball glove.
Lover: remembering the last time says "How much?"
Boy:$75.00
The lover buys the glove.
Shortly after the father says to the boy," Lets go out and catch some ball." The little boy says he can't because he sold his ball and glove.
Father: For how much?
Boy: $100.00.
Father: That was much more than they were worth that is terrible to over charge your friends like that I think you need to go to church and confess.
So the father takes the boy to church and the little boy gets into the confessional and waits for the priest. He hears the door close on the other side and he says "Sure is dark in here"
and the priest says "Don't start that stuff again!"
6-
A high-school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that would be given the following day. She told the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."
7-
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing £5.00. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take her £5.00 pay to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week". "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?
"I will if those useless wankers at the builders merchants ever bring us the fucking bricks", replied the little girl.
8-
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses." Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!" "Why?" his father asked.
"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom...!"
9-
The vicar was standing outside the church when a sweet little girl is walking along with her dog.
"Hello little girl, I've not seen you around here before, what's your name?" asks the vicar.
"My name is Petal" replies the sweet little thing.
"Oh what a lovely name" says the vicar "Why did mummy and daddy call you that?"
"Cos when I was growing in my mummy's tummy one day mummy and daddy went on a picnic and a rose petal drifted down to land on mummy's tummy and daddy said if we have a girl we'll call her Petal"
"That's a lovely story" says the vicar "and what's your little dog called?"
"Oh his name is Porky" says Petal.
"I suppose that's because of his curly tail" says the reverend.
"No" replies Petal "It's because he fucks pigs"
10-
Little Johnny went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So little Johnny went to his mother and asked "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
Johnny then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh absolutely, I'd just love to do that! I'd do it for free!"
Then he went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
Johnny pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?
Little Johnny replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag.
11-
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,
"Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God ... Michael Jackson?"
12-
A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're leaving."
The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."
13-
A young farmer’s son awoke and wanted breakfast, so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals." The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today."
So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry.
His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk. And I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over their little pussy cat, kicking the cat in the process.
The boy said, "Mum should I tell him or you?"
14-
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
15-
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"
Miss Rogers says, "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "Oh, No, Miss Rogers! You're thinking of a blowjob."
16-
One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'PENIS' in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class.
The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word 'PENIS' again; this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's larger than the previous one. Finally one day, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
17-
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says ,"My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious"
18-
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter." The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy." A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter." "That's right!" she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs.
Crunt?"
19-
Two young brothers are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father gets the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs.
The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "we’re going upstairs for a little while. You two stay here and watch TV, okay?"
The two boys nod in agreement, and the parents take off upstairs.
The eldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on, so he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and just shakes his head. Back downstairs, he says to his little brother, "Be real quiet, and follow me." Together, they tiptoe up the stairs.
Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and whispers, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to get mad at us for sucking our thumbs."
20-
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong. "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6, I got the 'there's no Santa speech'. At 7, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny speech'. When I was 8, you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."
21-
At Sunday-School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of Adam's rib. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what's the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
22-
A teacher is talking to her class full of infants "If your mother was a bird, what sort would she be?" she asks the children
The first child says - "If my mummy was a bird, she'd be a dove",
"That's nice" said the teacher, "why's that?"
Because she's beautiful and pure and reminds me of a dove" says the little boy
"If my mummy was a bird, she'd be a stork" says the second boy,
"Oh and why's that?" says the teacher
"Because she's tall and elegant and reminds me of a stork" says the boy
"If my mummy was a bird she'd be a thrush" says the third boy
"Why's that?" says the teacher
"Because she's an irritating cunt!"
23-
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get
married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I'm asking for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies. "In Susie's room, It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job,
You'll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a
month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second,
Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out.
I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "That's okay, I'll just keep shagging her up the arse for now..."
24-
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having that sort of shit in our garden."
25-
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"
26-
The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered for a long time until little Mary stood up, angry, and said the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal who would fire the teacher!
The teacher ignored her and asked the question again. "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.
The teacher said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and said,"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number one, you have a dirty mind. Number two, you didn't read your homework. Number three, one day, you will be very, very disappointed."
27-
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?"
And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't fink my pyfon gives a fuck!"
28-
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mum? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Head Teacher!"
29-
A little boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him. He asks for a prostitute with herpes. The lady says "Ok, whatever turns you on" and takes him upstairs. On his way out the lady says "why did you want one with herpes?" the boy says "Well, if I shag her then I get herpes, I go home and shag the babysitter and she gets herpes, my dad comes home and shags the babysitter and he gets herpes, my mum comes home and shags my dad and she gets herpes, the milkman comes round and shags my mum - and THAT'S THE BASTARD THAT KILLED MY FROG!"
30-
A woman working for a Market Research Organization, calls the next phone number on her list.
A little boy answered and whispered, "Hello".
The woman asked if his mother was there?
The little boy whispered, "Yes".
The woman asked if she could speak with her?
The little boy whispered, "No, she's busy."
The woman asked if his father was there?
The little boy whispered, "Yes".
The woman asked if she could speak with him?
The little boy whispered, "No, he's busy too."
The woman asked if anyone else was there?
The little boy whispered, "Yes, the fire department is here".
The woman said, "May I speak with one of them?"
The little boy whispered, "No, they're all busy."
The woman asked if anyone else was there?
The little boy whispered, "Yes, the police department."
The woman said, "May I speak with one of them?"
The little boy whispered, "No, they're all busy too."
The woman said, "May I ask what they're all doing"?
The little boy whispered, "They're all looking for me."
31-
A couple was sitting up waiting for their 15 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.
"Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"
His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him". Then she left the room.
The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it".
"That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway. My ass is too sore right now.
32-
The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class.
"Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go."
She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."
A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Little Johnny raised his hand and recited,
"Mary had a little pig,
an ornery little runt
He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes,
and smelled her little--"
He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose. "Prose!" the teacher said weakly. So Little Johnny said, "Asshole."
33-
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car pass the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace."
Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell is mother excitedly, "Mommy! Mommy! I was at the playground and...."
Mommy tells him to slow down. So Little Johnny says, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off. Then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat. Then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, ending with, "....then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy went away on business."
34-
One day a little boy was watching some cows in a field. There was a brown cow, a white cow and a bull. After a few minutes the boy runs into the house where his home is.
"Mommy, the bull is fucking the brown cow!" the boy says
"Now Billy, that is not what we say, we say the bull surprised the brown cow."
The little boy leaves and then comes back a little while later. "Mommy, mommy!" the boys cries
"I know what you are going to say, the bull surprised the white cow."
"He sure did. He is fucking the brown cow again!"
35-
A young mother was once again pregnant and trying to explain to her little girl how she had got that way. She explained how a baby was growing in her tummy, and how it took and egg and a sperm. Daddy made the sperm, and Mommy made the egg.
So the little girl asks, "So if it takes a sperm and an egg to make a baby, and the egg is already in your tummy, then how does the sperm get in there. Does Mommy swallow it?"
"She does, if she wants a new cocktail dress," said Mommy.
36-
A little boy wanted a new bike for Christmas. His mother told him they did not have any money for a bike. But she told him if he would tell Jesus what a good boy he would be, maybe Jesus would allow him to have one.
The little boy sat down to write Jesus a letter. As he began the letter..."Dear Jesus I will be good for one year..." He scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one month..." Then he scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one whole week...." In his disgust he tore up the paper and went for a walk.
As he walked he passed by the local church were there was a Nativity scene. He began to run as fast as he could and, when he past by the figure of Mary, grabbed her up and ran home. He ran in the front door and to his room. There he began a new letter that started..."Dear Jesus if you ever want to see your mother again..."
37-
Two little boys walking home from school. Bored.
"'Ere," says one "bet my dad's got a bigger willy than your dad."
"Hah, that's nothing," came the reply, "my dad's got two willies."
"Two willies!!"
"Yeah, a little one he uses to wee-wee with, a a big one he uses to brush the au-pairs teeth with."
38-
Frank phones his wife Angie at ten to five and tells her he's bringing his boss home for dinner. Angie is furious that she's had no time to prepare but when Frank and his boss arrive, she has miraculously made a marvelous veal marsala, with pasta, chianti and a spinach salad.
She's even managed to shower, change into a dress, and get their little six-year-old daughter, Stephanie, looking clean and pretty.
As they are seated at the dining room table, Frank says "Stephanie, honey, why don't you say the blessing."
"I don't know how, Daddy", she replies sweetly.
"It's easy, Steph," says her proud dad, "Just say what Mommy says."
Stephanie bows her little head, closes her eyes, and says, "If that stupid bastard ever pulls a dumb stunt like this again, he won't see pussy for a month."
39-
A boy was under foot all morning while his mother was trying to clean the house.
She tells her son to go across the street where they are building a house to see if he might learn something.
A few hours later the boy returns home, the mother asks, "What did you learn?"
He replies, "Well, you hang the damn door up there and it doesn't fit, of course. So you take it down and trim a cunt hair off each side and rehang the Son-of-a-Bitch!!"
The mother says, "You shouldn't talk like that! Go to your room until your father gets home!!"
A few hours pass and the father comes home. The mother tells him to go up to his son's room and find out what he learned today.
The father goes up to the son's room and ask, "So son what did you learn today?"
The boy replies, "First you hang the damn door up there and it doesn't fit, of course. So you have to take it down and trim a cunt hair off each side and rehang the Son-of-a-Bitch!!"
The father says, "Go outside and get me a switch".
The Boy replies, "Fuck you! That's the electrician's job!!!"
40-
It was a beautiful spring day as the mother and her 5 year old daughter strolled, hand-in-hand down the country lane...they picked wild flowers, watched the butterflies, and generally enjoyed their walk together.
Soon, they came upon a pasture where a pair a horses were in the process of "mating"...the little girl stopped and pointed..."Mummy, what are those horseys doing?" she asked.
Her mother was very embarassed, but she thought quickly... "Well," she told her young daughter, "The horse on the top...hurt his ankle while playing in the field, and the horse on the bottom...is helping him get back to the barn."
They walked along in silence for awhile, the the little girl said "Life is just like that, isn't it, Mummy?
Her mum asked, "What do you mean dear?"
The little girl replied, "Whenever you try to help somebody... you get fucked!"
41-
Dear Mom,
Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only two of our tents and four sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Jeff when it happened. Oh yes, please call Jeff's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of thesearch & rescue jeeps. It was neat.
We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Hector for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Hector said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. Larry is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching his brother Doug how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Jeff was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Rob dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Bruce and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Dave
42-
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said, "If you get in, I'll give you a lollipop."
The girl kept walking.
Following along slowly, the man said, "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lollipops!"
She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.
The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollipops!"
Finally, the girl turned and said - "Look daddy, YOU bought the Lada, YOU ride in it!!!"
43-
Little Johnny is absent from school one day.
On his return his teacher asks, "We didn't see you in class, what was wrong with you yesterday, Johnny?"
"My Daddy got burned, Miss," says Johnny.
Taken aback, the teacher replies "That's a shame, Johnny. Was he badly burned?"
Johnny looks at her.
"They don't fuck around at the crematorium, Miss."
44-
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father." "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY. "But that's right!" says his dad. Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference? " asks the father. "That's what I said!"
45-
The
kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in
kindergarten. She told them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, no -- you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, no -- you went for a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer.
He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."
46-
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
47-
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery January day when the daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, and he said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."
The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the Daughter when he said, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"
The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost!"
48-
A first grade teacher was having trouble with little Johnny. She finally asked him: "Johnny, what's your problem?" He answered: "Miss, I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm much smarter than she is. I think I should be in the third grade too." The teacher was pissed off and had enough of Johnny. She took him to the Principal's office and while Johnny waited in the outer office the teacher explained to the Principal what the situation was. He told her that he would give Johnny a test and if he failed to answer any of the questions then he was to stay in the first grade and behave himself. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36"
And so it went with every question the Principal thought a third grade student should know. After a while the Principal looked at the teacher and told her: "I think Johnny can go to the third grade." The teacher was not convinced and said: "Let me ask him some questions too." The Principal and Johnny both agreed.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny: "Legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have and I don't?"
Johnny: "Pockets"
Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut"
The Principal is really freaking out and his eyes are open wide but Johnny is cool and was taking charge of the situation.
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink, and then comes out soft and sticky?"
Johnny: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman sitting down and a dog on three legs?"
Johnny: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "OK Johnny, now I'll ask you the 'Who Am I' sort of questions."
Johnny: "Go ahead, Miss."
Teacher: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Johnny: " Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal is very tense.
Johnny: "Wedding ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me you feel good."
Johnny: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Johnny: "Arrow"
The teacher gave up and the Principal gave a sigh of relief and told the teacher: "Miss, put Johnny in the fifth grade. I missed the last ten questions myself!"
49-
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Marta said, "My family went to the Louisville Zoo, and it was fascinating to see all the animals."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"
Sarita raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Cincinnati Zoo and I was fascinated by the animals."
"That's good, too," said the teacher, "but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for his bad language, but surely he couldn't damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Billy said proudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
50-
The inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the local schools. He is introduced to the class by the teacher.
She says to the class, "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question."
The inspector reasons that normally class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a Bible question. He asks, "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?"
For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly. Eventually, Jimmy raises his hand. The inspector excitedly points to him. Jimmy stands up and replies, "Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you that it wasn't me."
Of course the inspector is shocked at the answer and looks at the teacher for an explanation. Realizing that he is perturbed, the teacher says, "Well, I've known Jimmy since the beginning of the year, and I believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it."
The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal's office and tells him what happened, to which the principal replies, "I don't know the boy, but I socialize every now and then with his teacher, and I believe her. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent".
The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal's desk and in a rage dials the Minister of Education's telephone number and rattles the entire occurrence to him and asks him what he thinks of the education standard in Britain.
The Minister sighs heavily and replies, "I don't know the boy, the teacher nor the principal, but just get three quotes and have the damn wall fixed!!"
51-
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they.
He says "well, pussy and bitch."
She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."
Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle is pussy."
"OK, dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."
52-
A little girl, a typical cute four-year-old, inquisitive and bright as a new penny, expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, so her father decided to pull out his wedding-photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mummy came to work for us?"
53-
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?".
" OK, " he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.
He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams.
Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"
And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, paedophilia, etc...
The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
54-
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation of sex with his wife. Johnny's father in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."
To which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"
55-
Children's answers to exam questions
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead
sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does *varicose- mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term *Caesarean Section"
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word *benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
56-
Advice from Kids
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer." Hannah, age 9
"Never tell your mom her diet's not working." Michael, age 14
"Stay away from prunes. " Randy, age 9
"Never pee on an electric fence. " Robert, age 13
"Don't squat with your spurs on. " Noronha, age 13
"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." Emily, age 10
"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." Taylia, age 11
"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. " Traci, age 14
"Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers." Mitchell, age 12
"A puppy always has bad breath - even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, age 9
"Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, age 9
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, age 9
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, age 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, age 15
"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, age 9
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." Joel, age 10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. " Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat. " Eileen, age 8
57-
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started
writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?”
”Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.”
”Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of
the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,
”What’s so funny Billy?”
”Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three
weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time
there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
”Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
”Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
58-
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."
59-
A teacher was asking the kids what they would most like to be covered in and why.
First little boy answers "I would like to be covered in silver because then I could scratch a little bit off my body & I could buy a BMW"
The 2nd kid answers "I would like to be covered in gold, because I could scratch a little bit off my body and I could buy a Porsche".
Little Johnny at the back is waving his hand frantically tried to answer the question. The teacher expecting the worst says "O.K Johnny, what would you like to be covered in?".
Johnny replies "Pubic hair, miss".
The shocked teacher asks why and Johnny says
"Well, my sisters has got a tiny patch and you should see the cars parked outside our house".
60-
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it
was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
Jimmy blushes and says, "No teacher I'm sorry, but my dad plays cricket for England, and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
61-
A female student shows up during a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet, pleading...
"I would do anything to pass the exam".
She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers "I mean..., I would do.... anything!!!".
He returns her gaze. "Anything???"
"Oh yes" she said, "anything!"
He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said "Would you..... Study?"
62-
A ten year old boy was failing
maths. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATHS. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"
63-
Here are some of the answers given in a bible knowledge test
1. The first book of the Bible is Guinness's in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple
2. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night
4. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles
5. Unleavened bread is bread made with no ingredients
6. Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments
7. The seventh commandment is, "thou shalt not admit adultery"
8. Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol
9. Solomon had 100 wives and 700 porcupines
10. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption
11. The people who followed Jesus were called the 2 decibels
12. The epistles were the wives of the apostles
13. One of the opossums was St. Matthew
14. Salome danced in 7 veils in front of King Harrod's
15. Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage
16. David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times
17. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony
18. The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals
64-
On the television show "The Simpsons" Bart can occasionally be seen writing on the blackboard as punishment, a sentence hundreds of times. The sentences change all the time. Since Bart is a rather naughty ten year old boy (sort of like Johnny in the Little Johnny Jokes), the sentences take on a life of their own.
Simpson's Chalk Board Writings
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teachers lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr.Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "she's dead" at roll call.
The principals toupee is not a frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the four foodgroups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes bart a dull boy.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by the one armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The pledge of allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
I will not waste chalk.
I will never win an Emmy.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
65-
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
66-
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at
Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all underage 11.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official
watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your
possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."
67-
A teacher was giving a lesson in sex education to her fourth grade class.
After showing a brief film and reading the lesson, she asked if anyone had any questions.
One little boy held up his hand shyly. "Teacher, I have a boy dog and he jumps over the fence and wrestles with this girl dog and she has puppies. Is this sex?"
"Yes, that's sex," the teacher replied.
A little girl raised her hand. "Teacher, I have a girl cat and there's a boy cat that jumps on her out in the yard and they wrestle. Then she has kittens. Is that sex?"
"Yes, that's sex," the teacher replied.
Little Johnny then raised his hand. "Teacher, the other night I saw a movie where three guys wrestled with Sylvester Stallone. Is that sex?"
"No, that was not sex," the teacher replied.
"Good," Little Johnny replied. "I always thought it would take more than three guys to fuck Stallone in the ass."
68-
One day a boy asked his dad, "What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?"
Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me." He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping nude.
"Son," he whispered, "see that brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy."
The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?"
"No!" replied his father. "That might wake up the cunt."
69-
A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Cindy put her hand up and said, "Moooo!"
"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?"
"Baaaa!" answered Jimmy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class.
He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mother-fucker!"
70-
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled: "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"
71-
A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss
for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, 'Jesus Christ! Are you
still in there!'"
72-
The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"
"A horsey," one child answers.
And this?" the teacher asks.
"A piggy." replies another youngster.
"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.
There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"
73-
A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"
74-
Bill and Marla decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making love." Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too," his son replied.
75-
Little
Johnny's parents were getting divorced and his parents were fighting over custody. The social worker asks Johnny who he would most like to stay with.
"Would you like to stay with your mum, Johnny?" asks the social worker.
"No, she beats me." replied Johnny
"Well then, how about living with your dad then?" asks the social worker
"No he beats me too!" said Johnny
"Who do you want to stay with then?" asks the social worker getting impatient
"I want to stay with the England cricket team!" said Johnny with a big smile
"Why would you want to stay with them?" replied the social worker
"Because they never beat anybody!" said Johnny
76-
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day, he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning, Johnny explained everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand in her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared.
Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that.
I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!
"Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go...I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so that she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel...I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went courting on anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all.
It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.
Mother fainted
77-
A man and his son are walkin' down the street, when they see a big dog doin'the dirty with a small poodle.
The son asks the father, "Daddy, what are they doing???". The man stumbles for a while, then calmly says, "Why, they're making a puppy, son." Later that evening during dinner, the wife is pressuring the man to go 'upstairs' with her...so they do.
The son goes in his room and tries to fall asleep, but there just is too much noise going on in the room next door. So he creeps out of bed, goes in the hallway and opens the other room. There he sees his mom laying on the bed on her back, totally naked, and his father above her, hands on her thighs, etc. etc.
So the son asks, "Daddy, what are you doin'?". Again, the man stumbles a little and says, "Why, we're makin' you a little brother or sister, son."
So the boy goes, "Well, turn her over. I want a puppy!"
78-
Dirty Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, "Collect... that'll be five dollars."
She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead."
Johnny says, "All right."
He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest dick she's ever seen. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.
She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."
He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."
79-
Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher,
"What's that, Miss?" Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your Mummy calls Daddy" Tommy thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a fucking pig!"
80-
Little Johnny's mum asked little Johnny if he had enjoyed the field trip. "Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers."
Mum: "Er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a fucker?"
Johnny: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk and steaks"
Mum: "But who said they were called, er, fuckers?"
Johnny: "That was our teacher. She called them 'effers,' but we all knew what she meant."
81-
A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."
Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply,
"Let's see. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry!!!"
82-
A small boy walked into a men's room. He saw a sailor in full dress uniform. The little boy got really excited, and asked the sailor, "Are you a REAL Sailor???"
The sailor replied, "Why, yes, son, I am. Would you like to wear my hat?"
The little boy said, "Yes!!" and put on the hat.
A Marine entered the bathroom. The little boy, very excitedly asked, "Mister, Mister, are you a REAL Marine???"
The Marine answered, "Yes, son, I am! Why, do you wanta suck my dick?"
The little boy exclaimed, "I'm not a real Sailor! I'm just wearing the hat!!!"
83-
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey.." said the slightly prudish parent "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted .
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent by now starting to squirm a little.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
84-
Little Willie had a gambling problem. He'd bet on anything. One day, Willie's father consulted his teacher.
The teacher said. "Mr.Gaines, I think I know how to teach Willie a real lesson. We'll trap him into a big wager that he'll lose."
Willie's father agreed to cooperate with the plan.
The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers with the other children, and she said, "Willie, I want you to remain after class."
When the others had left the classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher. Before she could say a word, he said, "
Don't say it, Miss Brown; I know what you're going to say, but you're a liar!"
"Willie!" the startled teacher said." What are you talking about."
"Your a fake!" Willie continued. "How can I believe anything you tell me? You've got this blond hair on top, but I've seen your bush and it's pitch black!"
Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said, "Willie that isn't true."
"I'll bet a dollar it is !" Willie challenged.
The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson. "Make it five dollars and you have a bet," she said.
"You're on!" Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyone could come into the room, Miss Brown. dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed Willie that her pubic hair was as blond as the hair on top of her head.
Willie hung his head. "You win," he said, handing her the fiver. Miss. Brown couldn't wait for him to leave so she could get to a phone to call his father. She reported what had happened. "Mr. Gaines," she said, "I think we've finally taught him his lesson."
"The hell we have," the father muttered. "This morning Willie bet me ten dollars that he'd see your pussy before the day was over.
85-
A small boy was awaken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents room, so he decided to investigate. As he entered the parents bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth. "Dad!" he shouted, "What are you doing?"
"It's okay," replied his father. "You're mother wants a baby, that's all."
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother sucking furiously on his fathers prick. "Dad!" he shouted, "What are you doing now?"
"Son, there's been a change in plans," his dad replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."
86-
Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence.
Johnny: Her mouth said 'no', but her ass meant 'yes'..
87-
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter `M' and I pick up things.
What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
88-
Little Jenny comes home from playing at Johnny's house. "Hey Mum, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!"
Mum is understandably confused for a second, then asks, "What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"
"No silly, it's salty!"
89-
One day, during English class, the teach says, "Who can tell me the meaning of 'indifferent'?"
The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows.
Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand.
The teacher, hesitant, call on him. "Yes, Johnny?"
"Teach, it's means 'lovely'."
Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think 'indifferent' means 'lovely'?"
"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mum say, 'That's lovely.' Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.'
90-
A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."
91-
Three year old Tommy (to friend): "You know, Jane Smith CHEATS !"
Friend: "Why do you say that?"
Tommy: "Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine - but it turns out SHE HASN'T GOT ONE !"
92-
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe mummy will do the trick she promised us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dearie?"
The little boy replied, "Mummy told daddy that she'd climb the fucking walls next time you came to visit!"
93-
What did the inflatable teacher say to this inflatable boy who came into the inflatable school with a pin? [Typical moany teacher voice]: "You've let ME down, you've let THE SCHOOL down, and, worst of all, you've let YOURSELF down..."
94-
A group of third, fourth and fifth class pupils accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to Leopardstown Racecourse in Dublin to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting equine industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an primary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift though."
95-
The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life.
"Melanie," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..."
"It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."
96-
Vicar: What's that you're doing, Tommy?
Tommy: Sticking bangers up frog's arses, Vicar
Vicar: Rectum, Tommy
Tommy: Blows 'em to fucking pieces, Vicar!
97-
More Bart Simpson's Chalk Board Writings
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not create weapons of mass destruction during school hours.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It's potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal's car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don't mix.
I will finish what I sta
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
I will not cut corners.
Hamsters
cannot fly
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
I will not burp in class.
I
will not make flatulent noises in class
I
will not sell land in Florida
I
will not squeak chalk
I
will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom
The
Christmas pageant does not stink
98-
It was the last day of the school year, and Miss Figpot was talking to her fourth grade class. She asked "What will you be doing this summer?"
"Me and my family will go to the beach a lot," Suzie answered. "That sounds like fun," said Miss Figpot. "How about you, Emma? What will you do this summer?" "My family just bought new bikes will ride together." Emma replied enthusiastically. "That sounds lovely," said the teacher.
She continued with all her students until she got to Little Johnny in the back of the room. "What will you do this summer, Johnny?" "Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly.
"Nothing? Aren't you going to do anything with your family?" she asked, trying to get Little Johnny to use his imagination. "Nothing." He replied
"Will you go to the beach?"
"No."
"Will you ride bikes?"
"No, never!" Little Johnny burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!" "Why not?" said the shocked Miss Figpot.
"I don't know," explained Little Johnny, "But dad always says, when mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town."
99-
The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
100-
Dear Mum and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Yours-
Your Loving Daughter
101-
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further
interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."
102-
Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim.
Just then the toilet seat slams down, and Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K k k kiss it better."
Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"
103-
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says,
"Grandpa, please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No." The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No, now go play." The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?" The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney world!"
104-
One day at school the teacher asks the children who can do any farmyard noises.
A little girl at the back stands up and does a Quack sound.
"That's very good" says the teacher - "Anyone else"??. At this point another little girls stands up and shouts "Moooooooo" - once again the teacher praises the
girl's efforts.
"Can anyone else have a go at farmyard impressions"?? the teacher enquires.
Johnny stands up and says "OK here goes"
"Oi - Get off that FUCKING TRACTOR"!!
105-
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help.
One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a
playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other
end.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot,
still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman
suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing
here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the
fucking goalie!"
106-
Once there was this boy and every day he brought his teacher some raisins.
He kept bringing them and bringing them until one day he didn't bring any.
The teacher was curious.
"Why didn't you bring me any raisins" asked the teacher.
The boy replied ,"My rabbit died".
107-
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative." "However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A Dublin voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah. Roight."
108-
Little Johnny was misbehaving with the nanny.
The father overheard the raucous and yelled, "Do you want me to come over there with the belt?"
Johnny said, "No, thanks. I think I can handle her myself."
109-
Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister.
The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move.
"It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
110-
What school report cards really mean:
"A born leader" - Runs a protection racket
"Easy-going" - Bone idle
"Good progress" - You should have seen him a year ago
"Friendly" - Never shuts up
"Helpful" - A creep
"Reliable" - Informs on his friends
"Expresses himself confidently" - Impertinent
"Enjoys physical education" - A bully
"Does not accept authority easily" - Dad is in prison
"Often appears tired" - Stays up all night watching television
"A rather solitary child" - He smells
"Popular in the playground" - Sells pornography
111-
It seems that a young couple had just got married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newly-weds. After a long wait, the family ate without them.
The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"
The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..."
"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year- old.
At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat.
As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat? Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up.
At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day.
The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..."
"Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily.
"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"
112-
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3 year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her finger with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my snot?"
113-
Little Johnny's next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, little Johnny's Dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the
neighbours.
He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best
behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt hard when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his missing ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"
The mother, who had braced herself for Little Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."
He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"
The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, it is a good thing, 'cause he sure as shit can't wear glasses."
114-
Recent tests found that 54% of California's fourth graders scored below average in basic skills. 'That's almost half!' said a stunned fourth grade teacher.
115-
This is the answering machine message the Pacific Palisades High School (California) Staff voted to record on their school telephone answering system.
This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes. This was voted unanimously by the office staff as the actual answering machine message for the school:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent, press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work, press 2
To complain about what we do, press 3
To swear at staff members, press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you, press 5
If you want us to raise your child, press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, press 7
To request another teacher for the third time this year, press 8
To complain about bus transportation, press 9
To complain about school lunches, press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your children's lack of effort . . . hang up and have a nice day!"
116-
A female university student was asked how much money she would need to convert the university dormitories into a brothel.
"Just small change."
"How come?"
"To make a phone call to the dormitories and say that we are legalized."
117-
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to old age pensioners, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
118-
A four-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.
He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited ... and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
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Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."
From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."
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Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with
Mummy when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with
Mummy that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mummy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his
Mum was.
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Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny yells out ... "Okay everyone in the house, please be advised that I, Little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
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A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand and shouted out, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy
neighbour's wife."
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A four-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for
Mummy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.
He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited ... and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
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A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district of the country. Since there
was limited accommodation, he was asked to sleep with his young nephew.
When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. The child looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"
"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied the uncle.
"Ma's gonna be real mad", said the boy. "The pot's on this side".
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The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said ..."I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
126-
"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."
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In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five ft., one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"
The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well."
"Why is that?" Asked the professor.
"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too old."
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Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face."
"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."
All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.
Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face."
129-
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teen-ager who wants to stay out all night?
130-
"I won't say our school was tough, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up."
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US History Students Exam Papers
"Hitler's instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho."
"The Civil Rights movement in the U.S.A. turned around the corner with Martin Luther Junior's famous 'If I had a hammer' speech."
"Revolters demanded liberty, equality and fraternities."
"John Calvin Klein translated the Bible into American so the people of Geneva could read it."
More recently, during the Carter administration, according to another student, the U.S. faced the "Iran Hostess Crisis."
"Joan of Arc was famous as Noah's wife."
"China has so many Chinese that forced birth patrol became required. This is where people are allowed to reproduce no more that one half of them elves."
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Mrs Klein gives 50p to her daughter Sarah.
The little girl goes outside and returns 10 minutes later without the coin. Wondering what she had done with the money, Mrs Klein asks, "Where is the 50p I gave you, darling?"
"I gave it to an old lady." says Sarah.
"Oh you sweet girl. I am so proud. Tomorrow you will have £1!"
The next day, true to her word, Mrs Klein gives Sarah a whole pound. Off Sarah goes outside and returns later without the coin.
"What did you do with the £1?"
"Oh, today I saw the same old woman," begins Sarah as her mother beamed at her, "and I bought a bigger ice cream."
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One day a guy was driving with his four-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Daddy."
He replied, "How'd you know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't yell 'ARSEHOLE' afterwards!"
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Chris says to his teenage daughter “There are two words I’d like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome’ and the other is ‘gross’.”
“Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”
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Just before the class took their O-level maths exams, their teacher asked them the following problem to test how well they would do in the real exam: -
"A rich man dies and leaves £240,000,000 in his Will. One-third is to go to his wife; one-fifth is to go to his son; one-sixth to his chauffeur; one eighth to his secretary; and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a long silence in the classroom, Saul raised his hand.
"Yes, Saul," said the teacher.
"A good solicitor!" he replied.
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Sadie was taking her seven year old daughter Sarah and her friend Rifka to Hebrew classes one Sunday morning and was embarrassed to hear this conversation between them.
Sarah said to Rifka, "Our family is kosher"
Rifka asked, "What's kosher?"
Sarah replied, "That's when you can't have cheese with your ham sandwich!!"
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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
'Dead.' She was informed.
'How do you know?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?!?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.
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Whenever 4-year old Mary was asked her name, she replied, "I'm Mr Smith’s daughter."
So her mother tells her this is wrong and that she must answer, "I'm Mary Smith."
Next Sunday, after the service, the vicar asks her, "Aren't you Mr Smith’s daughter, little girl?"
Mary replies, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."
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Things I've learned from my Children
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.......It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter & Jam sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that smell is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Manchester has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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These are from test papers and essays submitted to maths, science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
Materials are being tested for suitability as hospital floor coverings. To be approved, a material must not be too slippery. The test is conducted as follows: a tile of the material is elevated with a wooden block on it and if the block slips before the angle of elevation reaches 30 degrees, the material is rejected.
Various dimensions were then given and the students were asked to assess the suitability of a certain material - by calculating the angle - well, that was the intention, but one student attempted no such calculation, and instead simply responded:
"The material is not suitable because if you did this, all the patients would slide out of their beds."
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As we all know SAT scores have been on the decline for years. The following may be the reason why.
A maths problem in the 60s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price. What is his profit?
A maths problem in the 70s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price, or $80. What is his profit?
A maths problem in the 70s using New Maths
A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C of the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?
A maths problem in the 80s
A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.
A maths problem in the 90s under Outcome Based Education
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)
142-
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
143-
The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it. After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story.
Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny's had an odd element in it.
"Johnny, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?
"It's the flea, teacher."
"What flea?" asked the teacher.
To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse: "Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt. There's Mary, there's Jesus; and there's the flea."
144-
One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.
Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.
Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"
"Of course, Son, we're a family."
So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.
"Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "This is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"
145-
A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother."
"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."
"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."
146-
Little Johnny goes to school. His first class is English, and the teacher wants the kids to say what they ate for breakfast and spell it.
The first girl says "toast" -- t o a s t.
The second boy says "eggs" -- e g g s.
Little Johnny says "fucking nothing" -- f u c k i n g n o t h i n g.
The teacher stands him in the corner till lunch. After lunch Little Johnny is allowed to take his seat. The first class after lunch is geography.
The teacher wants to know where the Polish border lies. Little Johnny shoots up his hand and says, "He's at home on top of my mum. That's why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!"
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The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other
day.'
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Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.
"Nope," Jimmy replied.
"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.
"Nope."
"You didn't steal it did you?"
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do you want now?"
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
"Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father.
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One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does something wrong and makes her
mummy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white.
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said, "You must have really pissed off Grandma!"
150-
At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered little Jesse with a cat underneath his desk. She said, "Why do you have your cat at school?"
The little boy started crying, "When I woke up this morning I heard the mailman tell my
Mummy, 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today"
151-
The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and sheing to stand up!"
Half of his congregation stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and heing to stand up!"
A couple of men stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been sheing and sheing to stand up!"
Several women stood up.
The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnny.
The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin? Little Johnny, stand up.....I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!"
Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing about meing and meing!"
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In church this Sunday, we celebrated Communion. During the "children's sermon", the minister was talking about Communion and what it is all about.
"The Bible talks of Holy Communion being a 'joyful feast'. What does that mean? Well, 'joyful' means happy, right? And a feast is a meal. So a 'joyful feast' is a happy meal. And what are the three things we need for a happy meal?"
And a young boy sitting next to me stood up, and said, "Hamburger, fries, and a regular soft drink?"
153-
A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behaviour for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.
"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.
Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."
154-
One day, a mother walks by her young son's room and sees little Johnny masturbating.
Later, she has a talk with him and tells him that good little boys save it until they are married. A few weeks later, the
mum is having another talk with little Johnny. "How are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?" she asks.
Little Johnny cheerfully replies, "Great! So far, I've saved nearly a quart!"
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A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand: "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mom.
"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!"
Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she whined.
"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent, "What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?"
"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider"
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A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his infidelity practices ... suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's pecker... angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car...Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a fella with his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him... all of a sudden, the pecker smacks the windshield of the pickup and bounces off... surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"... Not wanting to expose his young daughter to sex, etc, at such a tender age, the father replies, " I think it was only a fly, honey" The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says... "Sure had a big dick!!!"
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Just after Christmas, in Bible class, the teacher told the children the story about Jesus, Mary and Joseph and the Flight from Israel.
She asked the children to draw a picture of the story.
At the end of the lesson she went around the class and found that one little girl had drawn a picture of an aeroplane with four people sitting in it. The teacher was somewhat puzzled but quite amused that the girl
had taken the word "flight" literally.
"I can see that's baby Jesus, Joseph and Mary in the back", she said, "But who's that sitting in the front?"
The girl responded, "That's Pontius the Pilot."
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"Doctor, I would like you to evaluate my son, his name is Gareth and he is 12"
"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 12?"
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Things not to say to your kids
1, It's your fault were splitting up.
2, What do you mean you didn't nick it? I’m not made of money you know.
3, And remember - if your teacher gives you any gyp, chin him.
4, Here's a knife for the next time you get picked on.
5, Bring home some more of those computers from school.
6, You don't want to believe everything you hear about fireworks
7, Call that a bra?
8, Call that a cock?
9, I lost mine at 11, your'e not gay are you?
10, Where’s your piggy bank?
11, I only went with your mother ' cos she’s dirty
12, Your mum’s not always been a bloater you know.
13, Oh, she had loads of fellas before I turned up
14, Yes, you were a mistake
15, Yes, you were adopted
16, Homework's for poofs.
17, Nicking cars is easy, everyone’s doing it
18, Arson, prostitutes - they're alright, but drugs...
19, Make sure they’re dead next time
20, All those foreign kids are the same
21, To be honest, your real dad could've been anyone in the rugby team
22, You make babies by sticking it in their ears while they're not looking
23, Qualifications are for losers
24, I’ll stand outside the exam hall and shout the answers
25, Get us a ticket for your school disco
26, That Rebecca in your class, she’s got a great pair of tits, hasn’t she?
27, How do you spell "divorce"?
28, Soak it in ketchup and it’ll get bigger, I promise.
29, I only shagged them because I loved your mother
30, I don't care if it is your birthday, I’m having those trainers
31, What's wrong with sardines?
32, In my day, everyone lived on sardines
33, They go well with peas
34, Hide this packet in the garden, there's a nasty policeman at the door.
35, If she puts her tongue in your mouth that’s it, you're a father
36, No means Yes
37, What are you smoking lights for, you big girls blouse
38, Bullies like people who stand up to them.
39, So do headmasters
40, No, I’ll cut your hair
41, Borstal's not so bad
42, Don't worry, ugly kids do better in the end
43, Sod your paper round, where’s my breakfast?
44, I said readers wives not readers digest
45, Oh stop crying, you’ll easily fit up that chimney
46, Don't be ashamed, even daddy wets the bed sometimes
47, Go on, it’s just like sherbert, but for your nose
48, If you loved daddy, you would
49, Don't listen to your mum, its yours and you can wash it as fast as you like
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What's your father's occupation? asked the school secretary on the first day of registration.
He's a magician, said the new boy.
How exciting. What's his best trick?
He saws people in half.
How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?;
Yep...one half brother and two half sisters.
161-
“Give me a sentence about a public servant”, said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don't you know what pregnant means?” she asked.
“Sure, said the young student confidently. Means carrying a child.”
162-
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast-feed
before, she was full of questions.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mum has some of those too, but the only one who gets to use them is Daddy"
163-
A young girl's folks had paid a visit to the home of a neighbour one evening.
The neighbour thought naturally, when she answered the doorbell the next morning and found the little girl at the door, that her parents had forgotten something....
"Please, Mrs. Johnston," said the girl, "may I look at your living room rug?"
The woman was surprised but said, "Why, of course, Jennie. Come on in. It's right over here."
The little girl stared at the rug for several minutes. Then she turned to its owner and said unabashedly, "Well, It doesn't make me sick."
164-
Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to watch the squirrels climb the tree. One day while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly.
He went home and told his mother about it and she said, "Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in your pants."
The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the same thing again.
As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants."
At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said, "Go get 'em Pussy.
165-
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting,
"Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
166-
A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class.
The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said, "What are you doing, wearing a football jersey?"
She replied, "Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?"
He said, "You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made the team."
"Oh," she replied sweetly, "Who did I miss?"
167-
Student Howlers
A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm" (instead of organism). At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."
All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and condoms.
Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.
Men are mammals and women are femammals.
Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
168-
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders... "6" year-olds, because the last
one is a classic!
Better to be safe than......................................... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...................................................bug is close.
It's always darkest before...................................Daylight.
You can lead a horse to water but......................how?
Don't bite the hand that.......................................looks dirty.
No news is............................................................. impossible.
A miss is as good as a.......................................... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new............................math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll..........................stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.........................................................me.
The pen is mightier than the................................. pigs.
An idle mind is.......................................................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................................pollution.
Happy the bride who.............................................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is................................................... not much.
Two's company, three's........................................ the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what...........................you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and............you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as................................... Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not............................. spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed..................................... get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you...................see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind............................get out of the way.
Better late than................................................ .......pregnant.
169-
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.
"Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?"
When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I've been describing, of course, is a
breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast."
170-
Farmer John has three sons. One day his oldest comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me!" He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he under- stood and said,
"Ok, Dad."
A week later his second son, (10 yr. old), approaches him wanting a new two wheel bike. Well, he gets the same excuse "....as soon as the tractor is paid for...."
Shortly after that his youngest is bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, 'ol dad gives him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees the rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself.
His dad says, "Son, why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that."
The little boy says "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that DAMN TRACTOR IS PAID OFF!!!"
171-
Little Johnny's sitting at the roadside playing.
His mum looks out of the window to see him eating a couple of Smarties, licking the family cat and then, standing up, taking a couple of steps to the left and sitting down again.
She goes out to see what on earth he is up to. By the time she gets to him, he's done the same set of actions another four times.
"Johnny', she screams, 'What are you doing?!'
'Mum, I'm pretending to be a Hell's Angel - I'm popping pills, licking pussy and moving on.'
172-
The teacher brought a Venus statue in class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."
"The artwork," says Robert.
"Very good. And you, Peter?"
"Her tits!" says Peter.
"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And you, Johnny?"
"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."
173-
I was a first grade teacher. I had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read I gave the children a work sheet to do. I thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there. I heard a little girl say very softly "Jesus Christ!".
I leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."
She looked at me, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"
174-
Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.
"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really *really* hard."
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below.
Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the hell happened?!?"
Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."
175-
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.
176-
An older woman let her dog out to go to the bathroom, and before she knew it a neighbor's dog jumped on and started humping her dog. She tried pulling the dogs apart and hitting the male dog. She even tried throwing cold water on them and nothing worked.
About this time a little boy came along and the old woman told him that she would give him five dollars if he can get that dog off her dog.
The little boy walked up to the dogs wet his finger, lifted the dog’s tail and stuck his finger in the dog’s ass. The dog backed off right away and the little boy went up to the porch to collect his five dollars.
The woman gave the boy his five dollars and asked the little boy how he got the dogs apart.
The little boy said, "Well Lady he can dish it out but he can't take it.
177-
So ya see, little Johnny is sitting in class one day, and the teacher is going to go over agricultural stuff, like farms, and what not. So she asks the class how does a farmer tell the weather on his farm, nobody seems to know, cept of course, little Johnny, who's frantically waving his hand with the answer, so she decides to let him try to answer the question. So little
Johnny says: the farmer uses a weather vane to tell the weather!" ok, that wasn't so bad, so the teacher then asks the class what kind of animal is the weather vane? again no one but little Johnny seems to know the answer. Reluctantly she lets him answer.
Little Johnny sez with a big ol smile on his face: "why teacher, it's a cock!", well the teacher sighs to herself well after all it is. So next the teacher asks the class: " can anyone tell me why does the farmer use a cock on the barn as a weather vane?"
Of course, the same dumb blank look on all of the kids faces, cept of course, for little Johnny, again she reluctantly allows him to answer the question, knowing she's probably not gonna like the way he phrases it.
Little Johnny stands up in front of the whole class and says with a really big grin on his face: "Its a cock, cuz as everyone knows if it were a cunt, the fuckin wind would just blew right through it!"
178
Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No".
After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK".
Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love, Juice?"
Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all.
Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?"
Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."
179
One day our Little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?"
My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As my sister in law gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider.
When She was finished, Little Rita said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that I came from Pennsylvania."
180-
Little Johnny and his neighbor, Suzy, are playing in the hone day, when Johnny gets this great idea. "Let's take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests.
"Oh no," answers Suzy, "That's way too scary!"
"No, it's not. It'll be fun!" says little Johnny as he proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth, with a large, beautiful, marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the bottom of the rail and the marble ball.
"That was great," he screams. "Come on, Suzy, you try now."
Suzy still isn't quite sure that this is such a good idea. "No," she says, "it looks too scary."
"No, it's not!" exclaims little Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs onto the rail, and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. Again jumps off just before he gets to the bottom of the rail and the marble ball.
Finally, after much persuasion, Suzy agrees to give it a try. She climbs to the top of the stairs, then straddles the rail, and slowly lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. right into the marble ball below. Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail.
Little Johnny notices that Suzy is crying and holding her private parts in sheer agony. "Maybe you'd better let me see," he suggests.
Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties.
Suddenly, little Johnny's face goes pale white. "Oh, no!" he shouts. "This is horrible. you knocked it right off!"
181-
Little Johnny's father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said, "Okay, Johnny, once there was this big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post. How many wings does the rooster have?"
Johnny replied, "It has two."
Little Johnny's father then asked, "How many eyes does the rooster have?"
Johnny replied, "It has two."
Little Johnny's father then asked, "Well then, how many legs do you think the rooster had?"
Johnny replied, "It has two, daddy."
So then, Little Johnny's daddy said, "Well then, a big white cat walks up to where the big black rooster is standing on the fence post and opens its mouth to hiss at the rooster. How many teeth does the cat have?"
Little Johnny scratched his head and replied, "I don't know daddy, how many teeth does the cat have?"
Little Johnny's daddy grabbed him by the arm and exclaimed, "Alright boy, how come you know so much about big black cock & so little about white pussy?"
182-
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
183-
One day in the classroom, the teacher decides to test the children on words beginning with the letters of the alphabet.
First she asks the children for a word beginning with A.
Up goes little Johnny's hand, and although long experience dictates that he's going to give a rude answer, she says tiredly "What's your word Johnny?"
"Arse, miss!"
"No rude words, Johnny! I want another word beginning with A."
"Apple, miss." Johnny replies.
"That's better," says the teacher. "Now a word beginning with B."
Up goes Johnny's hand and before she can ask, he shouts out "Bollocks, miss!!! BOLLOCKS!!!"
"Now Johnny, I'll send you to the Headmaster if you don't behave!!" says the teacher. "No more rude words!! A word beginning with B, please!"
A little girl's hand goes up and she says, "Balloon, miss!"
"Very good, Mary!", says the teacher. "Now one beginning with C. And I don't want you to answer this one Johnny."
Another hand goes up and littly Bobby says, "Carthorse, miss!"
"Very good, Bobby!" says the teacher. "Now one beginning with D, please!"
Johnny's hand goes up once more.
The teacher says, "Now Johnny! No rude words please or you're off to the headmaster!"
"Alright, miss. I promise." says Johnny.
"Now what's your word?" says the teacher.
"Dwarf, miss," he replies and quickly adds, "with a huge twatting arse and bollocks!"
184-
The pastor of the church was speaking a few words on proper conduct to the Sunday school class.
"Willy," he said to a model little boy in the front row, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"
"Sure," Willy said, "Back of the church yard."
185-
A priest walking through a park notices little Johnny, who is pouring fluid on an assortment of small rodents, then striking a match and watching them burn.
"What are you pouring on those mice, my son?" The priest asks little Johnny
"It's a mixture of acid and petrol." Little Johnny says with a smile.
"I think you would be better using a few drops of holy water, then let them run away." The priest says, hoping to stop little Johnny's morbid hobby.
"Oh yea what does it do?" Little Johnny says looking the priest in the eyes.
"Well, I placed a couple of drops on a lady with a large tummy and she passed a baby. The priest replies with all sincerity.
"Big fuckin' deal," say's little Johnny with a sneer, "I put 2 drops of my stuff on a rat’s arse and it passed a fucking Motor Bike."
186-
A little boy was on the footpath, playing with shit.
A postman rode up and asked him what he was doing.
"I'm making a postman!" the kid declared.
Then a little old lady came up and asked him what he was doing.
The little boy replied, "I'm making a little old lady!"
The old lady was so disgusted that she went to the local cop shop and reported the little boy.
A short while later, a big policeman strolled down and approached the boy.
"G'day, little fella," he said. I know what you're doing - your making a policeman."
The little boy looked up at the cop and smiled.
"Fuck off!" he said. "I ain't got enough shit for that!"
187-
A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top. She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.
Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said, "Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with
the brown nose."
188-
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this
year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer".
So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!".
The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.
The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?"
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"
189-
The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."
Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework." The teacher says, "Very good, Claude." Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."
She calls on Dirty Johnny in the back. "John?"
Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."
190-
As I left the supermarket, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to
raise money for their school band.
"I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," I said to one of the boys. "That you eat it for me."
As I handed him back the candy bar, he shook his head. "I can't," he said.
"Why not?"
Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, "Because I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers."
191-
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Joe's Grocery Store.
The owner Joe doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Joe got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
192-
One day Ma and Pa are settin' on the porch and Pa says: "Ma, I reckon it's time we taught Junior about Ferkin'."
Ma says: "Ok Pa - I'll head on into the house and get ready....You fetch Junior."
So Pa heads on out to the barn to get Junior and he tells him: "Junior--me and your ma figure it's time you learn about
ferkin'."
"Ferkin'... What's ferkin' Pa?"
Pa says: "Well boy.... we's fixin' to show ya."
So Pa and Junior head on up to the house and go upstairs to Ma and Pa's room and Junior sees Ma layin' there all nekked with her legs spread wide. Junior says: "Pa...What's Ma doin' there like that?"
Pa says: "Why Junior... She's just ready for some ferkin'.."
"Well what's ferkin Pa?"
Pa says: "We's gonna show ya'. See that little hole there on Ma?"
And with that Pa drops his pants and climbs on and starts to give it to Ma real good.
Just about then little Billy Bob comes along and says: "Junior...What's Pa doin' there to Ma?"
Well now Junior being the man of the world says: "Well you dummy... They's ferkin."
"Ferkin'.... What's ferkin' Junior?"
Junior says: "I'll show ya'... See that little hole there on Pa?"
193-
The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the play. "Now, all you have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing '...and the angel lit the candle', you come onstage and light all the candles."
"I can do it - I can do it!" the little boy said, excited to be the one picked.
Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The choir was in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit candles all around, awaiting the moment when the cute littlest angel made his interest.
The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant "...and the angel lit the candle," and everyone looked stage right for the entrance. No little boy. The director gave the downbeat again, and gestured for a louder line, which the choir gave him - "...and the angel lit the candle," and again, all eyes looked stage right. No little boy.
The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping gestures, and the choir thundered into the line - the curtains belled slightly from the sound - "...AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!"
And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice floating piercingly from stage right "...and the cat peed on the matches!"
194-
The kindergarten class had settled down to its
colouring books. Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't go no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"
195-
When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher asked all the children to give their first name. When she got to the little boy in the second row, he said: "I'll give you a hint. First it's in your hand, then it's in your mouth, and then it's in your tummy." The teacher smiled and said: "OK, Dick, sit down"
196-
A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class. She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.
"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything."
"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."
"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."
"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.
"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said "God, that's all we needed
197-
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone.
In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Mum, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theatre. Please don't be mad, okay?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had mis-dialled. "I'm sorry dear, "I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."
A pause.
"Gosh, Mum, "came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."
198-
Once again, Little Johnny was in trouble, but this time it was serious. He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and although the crime appeared to be highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming.
As a last desperate move, the defence attorney went over to the witness stand, pulled Little Johnny's pants down and grabbed hold of the boy's tiny penis for all to see.
Turning towards the jury box, the lawyer cried, "Ladies and gentlemen, surely you cannot believe that such a small, still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?" Growing more agitated, he continued, "How could this miniature member possibly be capable of even an erection, let alone the rape of a grown woman!"
"Careful!" Little Johnny yelped, "One more shake and you're going to lose the case!"
199-
Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Suddenly, Little Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, just the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbor's Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went
"ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "Fuck Off!", the dog ate him."
200-
A ten year old boy was walking home with a girl in his class when he said, "Pammy, you're the first girl I have ever loved."
Pammy responded, "Oh, great...that's all I need...is another beginner."
201-
The twin 10-year-olds were exactly opposite: Bill was a die-hard optimist and Bob a hopeless pessimist.
The mum asked the psychiatrist what to do about Christmas. The doctor told her to buy all the toys she could for Bob, and get
Bill nothing. In fact, he said just to wrap up some manure for Bill.
Christmas morning Mum came downstairs and found the twins by the tree.
She asked Bob what Santa had brought him.
"A B.B. gun, but I'll probably hit someone in the eye and blind him. And a bicycle, but I'll probably get run over and killed while
riding it. And an electric train, but I'll probably electrocute myself," said Bob.
Realizing it wasn't going very well, the mum turned to Bill and asked what he got. "I'm not sure!!" he replied, "I think I got a
pony, but I haven't been able to find him yet!!"
202-
Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP."
"It was a working-class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools."
"She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef."
"She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs."
"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."
203-
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a wild ride, they finally reached their destination.
The driver's mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you."
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."
204-
"How do you like your new stepfather?" the boy's uncle asked him one day.
"We have lots of fun," the boy replied. "Every morning, he rows me out to the middle of the lake and throws me overboard. I have to swim two kilometres back to the shore."
"Isn't swimming that far hard for a boy your age?" the uncle asked.
"Nah, but getting out of the hessian bag is!"
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Little Paul says to his father, "Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married"
His father says, "For that son, you have to have a girlfriend."
Paul says, "But I've found a girl."
"Who?" said his father.
"My grandma."
"Let me get this straight." the father says. "You want to marry my mother? You can't do that."
"Well, why not?" says Paul. "You married mine."
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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber's chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
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A firefighter is polishing a fire appliance outside his station when he notices a little girl next door with a little red cart, little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look, "That's a lovely appliance," he says admiringly. "Thanks," says the little girl. The firefighter looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles. "Little colleague," says the firefighter: "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire service but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster." The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks up into the firefighter's eyes and says:... "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a fucking siren, would I?"
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A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off.. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl was just chatting away to her father when, all of a sudden, the penis smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his nine-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey. "
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few moments she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?
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A family was on their way to the hospital where the 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
Without hesitation, he said, "They're going to give you a phone."
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A minister was walking along a street when he came a cross a young boy holding a bottle filled with a clear liquid. The boy would shake the bottle and watch the bubbles, shake the bottle and watch the bubbles, shake the bottle and watch the bubbles.
The minister became curious and asked the boy what he was doing.
The boy said, "This is the most powerful liquid in the universe, it's turpentine."
The minister, feeling that here was a perfect chance to teach the boy a moral lesson said, "No my son, the most powerful liquid in the universe is Holy Water. Just rub a couple drops on a pregnant woman's stomach and she will pass a boy."
The boy though about it a moment and said. "Why that ain't nothing, if you rub a couple drops of this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a motorcycle."
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Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Johnny just said, "OK" and went back outside to play.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds!"
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Exam hell
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry final exam:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. "As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one of these religions, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With the birth and death rates as they are we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. "Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. "This gives us two possibilities: "1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. "2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until HELL FREEZES OVER. "So which is it? "If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Theresa Banyan during my Freshman year that: "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you!" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, 2 cannot be true and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic." This student got the only A grade.
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Little Johnny a student has a penis so large, his parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls. They say he could easily kill someone it was so large. Through the
grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size. She keeps him behind after school and
suggests they have sex. He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will go on top. Johnny reluctantly agrees. The teacher experiences such wonderful sensations that she faints from pure joy. Thinking he's
killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing,
"Oh my God! I’ve killed her! I’ve killed her!" All at once he stops in his tracks, and look of dawning comprehension appears on his face as he says,
"Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. The dumb bitch committed suicide!"
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A boy comes home and finds his mother nude lay on the bed pleasuring herself. She’s screaming: “O god, I need a man. I need a man!” Everyday for the next week he finds her doing the same thing.
Exactly a week later, when he gets home he sees his happy mother in the bedroom with a man.
Later the same day the mother passes by boy’s room and sees him lying nude on the bed pleasuring himself. He’s screaming: “O god, I need a bike. I need a bike!”
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A small boy walked into a men's room. He saw a sailor in full dress uniform. The little boy got really excited, and asked the sailor, "Are you a REAL sailor??"
The sailor replied, "Why, yes, son, I am. Would you like to wear my hat?"
The little boy said, "Yes!!" and put on the hat.
A Marine entered the bathroom. The little boy, very excitedly asked, "Mister, Mister, are you a REAL Marine??"
The Marine answered, "Yes, son, I am! Why, do you wanta suck my dick?"
The little boy exclaimed, "Hey, I'm not a real Sailor! I'm just wearing the
hat!!
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Last year, my husband purchased two season tickets to our city's football team games. Our teenage son, Sean, and I took turns going to the games with my husband.
When the top team in the league came to play, we had quite a discussion about who was going to use the ticket.
Sean said, "Mum, these are family tickets, right?" I agreed.
"Well," he said, "I was born into this family; you only married into it."
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A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.
He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
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An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
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The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Tyson," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "I don't want to hear that language in here again."
Then she said, under her breath, "At least he doesn't know what it means."
"I do, too," Tyson corrected. "It means the car won't start!"
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Dear God From the Kids
Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? -Amy
Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry
Dear God: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey
Dear God: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan
Dear God: In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane
Dear God: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? -Lucy
Dear God: Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita
Dear God: Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma
Dear God: Who draws the lines around the countries? -Jan
Dear God: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil
Dear God: Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce
Letters kids have written to God:
Dear God: I read the Bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Alison
Dear God: What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jan
Dear God: Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla
Dear God: It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)
Dear God: Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.
Dear God: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce
Dear God: If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Mary Horton - because I hate her. - Denise
Dear God: If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. - Raphael
Dear God: I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam
Dear God: You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean
Dear God: I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M.
Dear God: I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying - Elliott
Dear God: Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.- Rob
Dear God: My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha
Dear God: I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris
Dear God: We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, Donna
Dear God: The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land, you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie
Dear God: I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are
God already. - Charles
Dear God: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene
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When Mary Lou found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen...
Mary Lou's 4-year-old son overheard some of his mother's private conversations. One day when Mary Lou and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know just what we're going to name it, too."
"Really?" asked the lady.
"Yup!" said the little boy, "If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits."
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The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room. "An astronaut! said one. "A football player", "A doctor," "The President," "A fireman," "A teacher," "A race car driver!," said the others.
Everyone that is, except Tommy.
The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Possible" Tommy replied.
"Possible?" asked the teacher.
"Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible!"
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A young chap strolled into his living room one afternoon with a chair under each arm and a settee on his head.
Shocked, his father asked, "Where in the hell did you get that?!"
"Off an old boy down the park," replied the boy. Immediately, his father jumped up and walloped him in the mouth. "What was that for?!" screamed the lad in pain.
"For Christ's sake!" shouted his father. "What have I told you about taking suites from strangers?!"
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A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"
"He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
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A teacher in a rather backward, rural area attempted to broaden the outlook of her class. She asked the students to write an essay on their views of foreigners.
All turned in more or less acceptable pieces except for little Billy, whose essay, in full, was "All foreigners are bastards."
The shocked teacher made no direct comment but devoted her next lecture to a description of Greek architecture, Roman law, English drama, German music, Italian poetry, Russian novels, Chinese philosophy and African sculpture. She then asked the class to write another essay on foreigners.
When she finally got little Billy's paper it said, in full,
"All foreigners are bastards. Some are clever bastards."
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Laws of Parenting
--The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
-- For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
---Toys multiply to fill any space available.
---The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
---Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
---If the shoe fits... it's expensive.
---The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
---The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
---Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
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Little Johnny was out on Halloween, trick-or-treating; dressed as "Rocky", complete with boxing gloves and satin shorts. He
walked up to Mr. and Mrs. Foggybottom's door and rang the bell.
Mrs. Foggybottom answered the door and Johnny said, "Trick or Treat!"
Mrs. Foggybottom gave Johnny some candy and closed the door.
Soon afterwards the bell rang again. It Little Johnny once more.
"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" asked Mrs. Foggybottom.
"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight, too."
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A little boy and a little girl, both about six, are in the sandbox.
Unexpectedly, the little boy farted, causing a little sand between his legs to shift.
She notices, and squeals with laughter, "How'd you do that," she asks.
"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."
"Can I try it," she asks? "Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."
So she strains, and concentrates, and grunts. Suddenly, there's a terrible explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out.
The little boy rolls up the hill, he finds himself upside down against a tree. He groggily gets to his feet, runs over to where the little girl is out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.
He lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims, "Just what I thought, dual exhaust."
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Tom, the farmer's son, comes into the farmhouse and says "Hey, the bull's screwing a cow!"
"Terrible boy" says his mother, "you can't say that, just think if you said that and the vicar was here. You should say that the bull is surprising the cow, that's the posh way to say it."
Well, next day the vicar (as luck would have it) was there, and once more Tom rolls in. This time he announces "Mam, the bull is surprising all the cows..."
"Tom," says his mother, "don't be silly, the bull can only surprise one cow at a time, not them all."
"Oh yes he can, Mam, he's screwing the horse!"
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Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests.
He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.
This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
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The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the Albuquerque public school system by parents of students:
Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.
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"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class. "NO!" the children all shouted. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again the answer was: "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again. Once more, they all screamed, "NO!" "Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?" One five-year-old boy at the back called out: "You gotta be dead!"
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Little Sam was out shopping with his mother, something he didn’t like very much. But when they passed a toy store, Sam came to life. He saw a new toy in the window that he didn’t have but wanted. Sam begged, pleaded and nagged but to no avail. He got so rude that his mother firmly said, "I’m very sorry Sam, but we didn’t come out to buy you a toy."
Sam angrily said, "I’ve never met a woman as mean as you."
Holding his hand gently, she replied, "Sam, darling, one day you'll get married and then you will ... you really will, I promise you."
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One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Iliad," by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrant who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.
It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and that was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English putting tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Custis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the Enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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Subject: Shows how smart kids are!
WHO TO MARRY?
1. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. (Alan, age 10)
2. No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with. ( Kirsten, age 10)
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
1. Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. (Camille, age 10)
2. No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. (Freddie, age 6 Very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
1. You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. (Derrick, age 8)
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
1. Both don't want any more kids. (Lori, age 8)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
1. Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. (Lynnette, age 8 Isn't she a treasure)
2. On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. (Martin, age 10)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
1. I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. (Craig, age 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
1. When they're rich. (Pam, age 7)
2. The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. (Curt, age 7)
3. The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. (Howard, age 8)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
1. I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. (Theodore, age 8)
2. It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. (Anita, age 9 Bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
1.There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? (Kelvin, age 8)
And the #1 Favourite is........HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK?
Tell your girlfriend that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck (Michael, age 34)
236-
Little Peter and his family were having dinner at his grandma’s house. When everyone was seated, the food was served. As soon as little Peter got his plate, he started eating from it right away.
"Peter, please wait until we say our prayer," said his father.
"I don't have to," Peter replied.
"Of course you have to," said his mother. "Don’t we always say a prayer before eating at our house?"
"Yes, but that's our house," Peter explained. "This is grandma’s house and she knows how to cook."
237-
It was lunchtime at the nursery school and all the children were lined up by the teachers. Then, as usual, they were led into the canteen. Little Mikey quickly noticed that at one end of the dining table was a large pile of apples with the message, "Take ONLY ONE apple each, God is watching." At the other end he noticed was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
Mikey then whispered to his friend Susie, "We can take all the cookies we want. God is watching the apples."
238-
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.
239-
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I'm asking for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies. "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "That's okay, I'll just keep shagging her up the arse for now..."
240-
Little 5year old Ben was practicing spelling on his fridge using a set of magnetic letters. Freda, his mother, had watched him put together words such as ‘mum’, ‘dad’, ‘dog’, ‘cat’ and ‘car’ and was very proud of her clever son.
But then Ben shouted out, "Look what I spelled, mummy."
Freda looked at the fridge and saw that he had put up the three magnetic letters, ‘G’ ‘O’ ‘D’.
"Why, that's wonderful, Ben," she said, "why don’t you leave them on the fridge until daddy comes home?"
"OK, mummy," he said.
But just as Freda was thinking that the school he went to was starting to have an impact, Ben’s little voice called out, "Mummy, how do you spell
zilla?"
241-
"Mum, can I ask you something?"
"Sure! What about?" replied mother.
"Well, I'm already fourteen and.. I think it's just proper that I should own one."
"Own 'one' what?" mother asked suspiciously.
"Could you buy me a push up bra?"
"No."
"But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention."
"Nope."
"I think it would be just proper at my age..."
"I said no way...!"
"But all of my friends wear.......!"
Morris! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"
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