Gay & Lesbian
1-
Why did God invent lesbians?
So feminists wouldn't breed.
2-
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents. He went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply and gave no response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"
3-
"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."
4-
There are three things you should never say in a gay bar.
1 Fuck me it is hot in here.
2 Bugger me the beer's good.
3 Can I push your stool in!
5-
This Faggot goes to the doctor and him to test him for AIDS. A week later he goes back and the doctor confirms his worst
fears - the tests showed positive. The fag is destroyed. He breaks down and begs the doctor to prescribe him something, anything, that'll help.
"Well," the doctor says. "Go down to the health food store and buy a kilo of prunes, then go to the chemist and get some strong laxatives; then wander down to the supermarket and buy a bottle of Tobasco sauce and some chilli powder. Go home and mix it all together and heat it on the stove for 20 minutes....then drink it!"
The faggot's a bit dubious, "And that'll cure the AIDS?" he asks.
"No," says the doctor smiling, "but it'll teach you what you what your arsehole is for!"
6-
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."
7-
Two gays were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at one of the gays, bent the bars, leapt to the ground and ravished him.
The gay was rushed to hospital and put into intensive care.
Three days later visitors were allowed to see him for the first time and his gay pal came in with chocolates and a bunch of grapes
"Did it hurt?", asked the pal
"Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! Three days now. He never called, he never phoned, and he never even sent flowers!"
8-
A gay guy falls in love with a doctor. He goes to the proctologist's office and says that he has an obstruction.
So the doctor sticks his hand up the guy's ass but can't find anything. However, he notices that the man has an erection, so he cuts short the examination and orders the gay guy out of his office.
The next day, the gay guy calls the doctor and claims he has another obstruction. The doctor doesn't believe him but the guy claims he is in great pain, so the doctor relents.
When the guy arrives, the doctor sticks his hand up the guy's ass again but this time he finds something. "Good God!" the doctor exclaims, "No wonder you're in pain. There are two dozen roses shoved up your ass."
The gay guy turns around excitedly and says, "Read the card! Read the card!"
9-
A man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for 7 shots of tequila. The bartender asks "what are you celebrating?" The man says, " I've just had my first blowjob." The bartender says, " Wow, that is an event worth celebrating, let me buy you another." The man says" thanks, but if seven shots of tequila won't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
10-
Did you here about the new GAY website? www.c:\^£££
Translation. See colon backslash enter pound pound pound
11-
What is the first symptom of AIDS?
A sharp penetrating pain in the arse.
12-
Q. What's the definition of lesbian?
A. Just another damn woman trying to do a man's job
13-
A gay man decides to get a tattoo. On arrival to the tattooist he spots a picture of Evander Holyfield.
"Oh! He's my favourite darling. Can you do him on the cheek of my ass?" he asked the tattooist.
So it was done. On the way out of the store he spotted another picture on the wall, this time Mike Tyson. "Oh, good Lord!" the queer blurted out. "I just adore Iron Mike! Can you do him on my other cheek?"
So it was done. On returning home, his boyfriend says, "Well, drop your trousers, give us a look."
He dropped his pants and showed his ass.
His boyfriend gasped and replied, "I think our relationship is over! I sure as hell ain't getting in the ring with those two."
14-
How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
By sitting down before the last bloke gets up!
15-
What do you call a lesbian with big fingers?
Well hung.
16-
A country boy ends up in the big city. He is walking around in awe of everything. He decides to quench his thirst and enters a bar. After a couple of beer, his beer rental is up and off he goes to the can. He walks into the can and is shocked at what he sees. He quickly leaves.
The barkeep lisps, "What's wrong?"
The country boy replies," You wouldn't believe what is going on in there."
"What?"
The country boy is shaking his head, "Well there is a guy standing at the urinal being corn-holed by a guy behind him. And that guy is getting his fudge packed by a guy behind HIM."
The bartender leans in closer, gets all serious and lisps out his next question. "The guy in the middle wouldn't have been wearing a yellow T-shirt would he?"
"I think he was. Why?"
"He's lucky at cards too."
17-
Q. Why can't scientists find a cure for AIDS?
A. They can't get the laboratory mice to arse fuck.
18-
Two old queens (Jim and John) had been together for many years and one
day, Jim died.
Then John asked all his mates to come round for the wake.
Once they had all arrived, they asked to see Jim’s body. John told them that it would be impossible, as he had made Jim into a curry.
Everyone was shocked and asked John why he had done this.
John replied, “I just wanted to feel him slowly slip out of my arse one more time”
19-
What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic?
Snap-on tools!
20-
There are these two queers, named Cyril and Cecil, driving happily along in their car. As they came to an intersection, they stopped for the red light. All of a sudden a big
articulated truck comes crunching through the back of their car!
Cyril and Cecil were really pissed! Cyril says to Cecil to get out of the car to tell off the truck driver.
So Cecil gets out of the car and approaches the truck driver, who apparently is one huge mother trucker (tattoos and all)!
"You bloody idiot! Look at what you've done to our beloved car!", exclaims Cecil. "You're going to pay for this damage you know!"
"Suck my dick!", shouts the truck driver.
This prompted Cecil to go back to his car, to discuss the situation with Cyril.
"I think he wants to settle out of court, Cyril."
21-
A guy from the deep south comes to New York and he's amazed by the indoor plumbing. He's so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out.
One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements. As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap, see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a queer."
The hick says, "How can you tell?"
The inspector says, "It's dented on one end."
22-
If you think that sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
23-
What's the hardest thing about having AIDs?
Leaving your friend's behind.
24-
A gay guy tells one of his friends that he thinks he’s pregnant.
The second gay says, "Well, if you are pregnant, who's the father?"
The first gay says, "How should I know? Do you think I have eyes in the back of my head?"
25-
Why did the homosexual leave home?
He didn't like the way he was being reared.
26-
Phillip fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.
Phillip threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.
One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Phillip swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried.
The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing."
"Shit," sighed Phillip, "there go my Sundays."
27-
How does a lesbian hold her liquor?
By the ears.
28-
Q. How does an asthmatic lesbian breathe?
A. In snatches.
29-
What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
30-
Two gay guys, called Cyril and Cecil naturally, are in a train compartment with just one other passenger, a City type reading his Daily Telegraph.
"Cecil?" asks Cyril. "Do you mind if I fart?"
Cecil replies, "Of course not, luvvy! Go ahead!"
And with that Cyril emits a "Pffffffffff!" like an emission of steam, barely audible.
A few minutes later Cecil asks, "Cyril? Do you mind I have a little farty poo?"
"No darling!" says Cecil.
And Cyril duly replies with a "Psssssssss!", a mere whisper in the air.
The City gent puts down his newspaper and says "I couldn't help overhearing you two chaps, but would you mind awfully if I had a fart?"
Cyril and Cecil reply "Don't be shy on our part, ducky!"
And with that the City gent lets out a"HRRRRRMPPPPPHHHHHHFFFFFFFF!", window-rattling, triple salko, 10 pints of Guinness and a vindaloo of a fart with possible follow through!
With that, Cyril turns to Cecil and says, "You can always tell a virgin!"
31-
In a small Midwestern town, two gays died of AIDS. The mortician was afraid of catching the disease from the corpse, so he refused to prepare the bodies for burial. So, finally, in desperation, the hospital called on the local taxidermist. He said, "Sure, bring 'em on over, I'll take care of 'em." So an ambulance driver carts the bodies off to the taxidermists shop. When he arrives, the taxidermist asks the ambulance driver "Do you want them mounted?" to which the driver replies "Nah, just holding hands......."
32-
"As a kid, being Irish was being different, so I always told everybody that I was Irish. My parents had all these rebel songs on albums... So I just feel that I have a bit of Irish in me. I've got an Irish boyfriend, so I've had quite a bit of Irish in me quite a few times."
BOY GEORGE
33-
What do you call a Jewish homosexual?
A Heblew
34-
Did you hear about the gay bank robber?
He tied up the safe and blew the guard.
35-
Two gay guys are in a bar and a beautiful blonde walks in wearing a tight t-shirt with no bra. "God, look at that," says one gay guy, "it's enough to make you want to be a lesbian."
36-
What were the two gays doing in the telephone box?
Ringing each other.
37-
Because of a bad case of haemorrhoids, a faggot went to his doctor. The physician prescribed suppositories, but when it came time to use them the young man was afraid he would do it wrong. So he went into the bathroom and, bending over, looked through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis became stiff and blocked his view. "Oh, stop it," the young man scolded his organ, "it's only me!"
38-
Q: What happened when three poofs attacked a women?
A: Two of them held her down, and the other started doing her hair.
39-
"Dad, I think the vicar is a homosexual."
"What makes you think that son?"
"Because he closes his eyes when I kiss him."
40-
If you had a poofter on your back, would you leave him there or pull him off?
41-
Q: Did you know 70% of the faggot population were born that way?
A: The other 30% were sucked into it.
42-
An elderly gent walks into an antique book shop and goes up to the assistant and asks in his plummy tones,
"Do you have "Fly Fishing" by J R Hartley?"
"Have you tried the sports section, sir?" the assistant replies.
Old J R looks a bit embarrassed, and whispers, "Actually, it's homosexual erotica."
"Ah in that case, sir, may I interest you in a first edition of Jonathan King's seminal "Scouting for Boys"?"
43-
How can you tell if a guy is a queer?
He gets a hard-on while you're fucking him in the ass
44-
Two lesbians were having a drink at the bar when a good-looking woman waved at them from across the room.
"I'd like to get between her legs," said lesbo number 1.
"Oh, no you wouldn't," responded her friend. "She's hung like a donut."
45-
One day Sir Lancelot set out from Camelot on his trusty charger, his quest as ever, to slay dragons, rescue maidens and hopefully turn up the Holy Grail on the way. Resplendent in his shiny armour he set forth, brave, good and pure.
However on this day, events took a decidedly strange twist, as out of nowhere a strange twist of time and space appeared, and before Sir Lancelot could reign in his horse, they plummeted through the vortex and were hurled many years through time and many miles through space, until finally...... they landed in present day San Francisco.
Slightly disorientated and completely naked (the anomaly did not transport non living tissue or in-organic substances). Sir Lancelot surveyed the new world that he had been thrust upon. His nakedness did not trouble him, for in his mind he was clad in the raiment of Goodness and Purity.
Just then he spied what he thought must be an Inn of some form named "The Fudge Packer".
He entered this strange hostelry and noticed men clad in all manner of weird apparel. He believe that he saw women also, but on closer inspection, they turned out to be men as well, dressed in female clothing.
Alas, Sir Lancelot did not watch where he was treading and his foot slid through a large strawberry daiquiri slick. He somersaulted into the air before landing on his head, knocking himself unconscious, draped face down over a chair.... and a Good Knight was had by all!
46-
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
47-
Frank and Stan, two lifelong gays sat down, no clothes on, watching a gay porn video.
Frank gets up, gets dressed and says "I'm just going to the shop for some beer, whilst I'm gone I don't want you wanking, save yourself for later".
"Ok" said Stan.
When Frank returned he couldn't believe his eyes, the was cum all over the walls, curtains and carpet.
"I thought I told you no wanking" said Frank.
"I didn't have a wank" replied Stan, "I just farted"
48-
Did you hear about the poof that couldn’t tell KY jelly from putty?
All his windows fell out.
49-
Two lesbians were walking down the street one day.
They soon spotted a beautiful woman on the other side of the road. "Ooh, look at that beautiful woman, I'd like to give her one" said the first.
"Unh, Unh" mumbled the other.
It continued like that; anytime they passed a gorgeous woman and the first one would wax lyrical about her, the other would just mumble "Unh, Unh".
When they got to the bar, the first lesbian turned to the other "hey, what's with all the mumbling back there when we came across all those beautiful women?".
"I'm sorry ..." said the second lesbian "... my tongue got hard"
50-
Q. What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A. Two gays with haemorrhoids
51-
EIGHT SURE-FIRE WAYS TO TELL IF YOU ARE GAY
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer
with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his bitch in the passenger seat.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly.
52-
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK CROSSDRESSER IF...
You go to family reunions to meet guys.
You wear a dress that's strapless and a bra that ain't.
You wear combat boots with a minidress.
You wear jeans with a belt buckle that's bigger than your fist.
You have a Ford F150 pick-up truck, with a gun rack, a Dale Earnhardt license plate frame, and a Confederate flag on the tailgate, next to the bumper sticker that says "I sell Avon Skin-So-Soft."
You try to wax your legs with Turtle Wax.
You braid the hair that sticks through your fishnet stockings.
You wear a black John Deere baseball cap with pearls.
You use glitter to highlight your moustache.
You wear tube tops with your mini, because it shows off your Harley-Davidson tattoo.
Your favourite band ring came off a cigar.
You keep spare ammo in your bra.
You get a run in your stockings while changing a tire on your motorhome.
Your purse is a toolbox.
You pluck your eyebrows with a pair of needle-nosed pliers.
You store your lipsticks in a socket-wrench box.
You use duct tape to keep your "tuck" in place.
You call your vanity "your work bench."
You use a pocket knife to sharpen your lip and eye liners.
"Doing your nails" means sorting the ten- pennies from the sixteen-pennies.
Your favourite leather skirt was made from the moose you shot last Fall.
Your new sandals are made from truck tire re-treads you found on the road.
You keep a spare lipstick in your toolbox.
You wear a pair of C-clamps as screw-on earrings.
Your best silver necklace is made from beer can pull-tabs.
Your nail enamel is made by Rustoleum.
You use paint thinner to remove your makeup.
Your moisturizer says "non-detergent SAE 10W30" on the container.
You remove your leg hair with duct tape.
53-
What's the best selling brand of lipstick in San Francisco?
Preparation H.
54-
What did one lesbian say to the other?
Your face or mine?
55-
Is my milkman queer?
He keeps leaving his cream up my back passage.
56-
Q. What do you call an opened tin of tuna in a lesbian's flat?
A. Pot-pourri.
57-
Hear about the new running shoes for lesbians?
They're called Dikes - they have a long tongue and you can get them off easily with one finger.
58-
John and Mike are in bed together and John is fucking Mike hard in the arse without a condom when he says 'I've got AIDS.'
Mike shudders and says, 'Have you?!?!'
To this John replies 'No, not really, I just like the way your arse tightens up when I say it.'
59-
Since Cameron was a flaming homosexual, all of his friends and relatives were stunned when he got married, and even more when his wife became pregnant.
One day a group of them spotted Cameron on the beach and they came right over. "So, Cameron, how'd it happen?" asked one of them, with a wink at the woman's ballooning belly.
Cameron blushed and pointed to a good-looking hunk standing next to his wife. "I have that
marvellous young man to thank," he explained. "Ah, so he's your wife's lover?" pursued the friend. "Not entirely," replied Cameron with a giggle and a grin. "He's our go-between."
60-
Q. How do you recognize a gay Pakistani?
A. He has a red dot on the back of the head.
61-
How do you tell if you are in a gay church?
Only half the congregation is kneeling.
62-
A redneck is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar. The redneck calls the bartender over and says, "Whatever she is drinking give her another one and tell her it's from me." The bartender replies, "I don't think you want to do that." "What do you mean?" yells the redneck. "Send her the drink!" "O. K." the bartender replies. "But I don't think it's a good idea." "And why not?" asks the redneck.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says, "Because she's a lesbian."
"I don't care, send her the drink." says the redneck. So after the lady gets her drink the redneck very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her.
"Thanks for the drink," says the lady. "But I'm a Lesbian. "Yeah, I heard," he smoothly replies. "So what part of Lesbia is ya'll from?"
63-
Eight
Sure-Fire Ways To Tell If You Are Gay
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It
means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest
of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay -
it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch
except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how
you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here,
Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy,
snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense,
rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs,
crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything
else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot,
you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he
defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the
poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man
will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he
will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had
NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types of
dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man
doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as
all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NBA, college ball,
PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier"
is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are
faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a
meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass
driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change
the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his bitch in the
passenger seat.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui?
The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows
how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with
another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion),
which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly.
64-
Did you hear about the house that was built by lesbians?
There were no studs it was all tongue in groove.
65-
Did you hear about the new gay version of Forest Gump?
It's called, "Sorest Rump"
66-
An alien walks into a gay bar and sits next to a muscular guy. Then the alien pushes his finger into the guys shoulder and says: "... bloop, bloop, bloop!"
The annoyed guy looks at him and says," If you do that again I will cut your hand off with this here knife!"
The alien just did it again and said bloop, bloop, bloop! In anger the guycuts off the alien's hand. Immediately another one grows back. Then the alien pushes his finger into the guys shoulder again and says: "... bloop, bloop, bloop!"
The guy says if you do that again I will cut off your dick! The gay alien did it again so in his anger the guy pulls down the aliens pants and is shocked to see that there is no dick! In his astonishment he asks," If you don't have a dick then how do you have sex?"
The gay alien pushes his finger into the guys shoulder and says, "..... bloop, bloop,
bloop!"
67-
These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me screw you."
Joe replied....."Are you FUCKING crazy?!!"
Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who screws, who first.
So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked,
"How will you tell if it hurts or not?"
Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop.
But if it feels good start singing."
Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River
68-
Q. Why should we feel bad for the gay homeless population?
A. None of them have closets to come out of.
69-
A young Aussie joins the navy.
On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors.
"But dad, how will I know?"
"Trust me son, you will know."
After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port.
The father was on the dock waiting for his son. The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his hand.
"Well on, how did it go?" "Dad, I found out what you meant about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard." "But how could you tell he was gay?"
"Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling,
"THROW ME A BUOY, THROW ME A BUOY!"
70-
Q: Who are the three most dangerous men a man can meet?
A1: A black guy with a gun,
A2: A Puerto Rican with a knife,
A3: A gay man with a chipped tooth.
71-
Q: In prison, how do they separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar
72-
A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying.
"Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?"
"My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl. "So I might as well."
After the girl's done, the guy says, "Wow, that was great! Why are you so depressed, anyway?"
The girl replies, "My family disowned me for dressing like a woman."
73-
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."
After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Peter asks.
"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.
74-
Two gays got into a heated argument, with one of them saying, "Well, you can kiss my ass!"
The other one blurted out, "This is no time to talk about romance, Bitch!"
75-
Q. Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
A. He found a hare up his ass.
76-
HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE...
This is a primer of how to separate a Dyke from a Lesbian.
Kindly pay close attention... there will be show & tell after.
- A Lesbian buys real estate. A Dyke rents.
- A Lesbian drinks out of a wine glass. A Dyke pops a top.
- A Dyke owns a Harley. A Lesbian owns a 10 speed Schwinn.
- A Dyke's tattoos don't rub off. A Lesbian's don't show.
- A Lesbian brunches. A Dyke drives-through.
- A Lesbian has acquaintances. A Dyke has buddies.
- A Dyke buys 'Hustler' over the counter. A Lesbian has a subscription.
- None of a Lesbian's earrings are made from parts of her tool box.
- A Lesbian drives a Porsche. A Dyke commands a pick-up.
- A Lesbian has her ears pierced. A Dyke goes further... WAY further!
- A Dyke can actually use the word dildo 15 to 20 times a day.
- A Lesbian passes gas. A Dyke farts.
- A Lesbian cooks. A Dyke defrosts.
- A Lesbian entertains at home. A Dyke has a regular bar stool.
- A Lesbian networks, and chats. A Dyke shows up.
- A Dyke has a tool belt. A Lesbian has a tooled belt.
- A Dyke believes she looks great in a six dollar haircut.
- A Dyke will drink from any hose. A Lesbian carries her own Evian.
- A Lesbian makes dinner. A Dyke makes reservations.
- A Dyke plays softball. A Lesbian plays hardball.
77-
A doctor says to his patient Derek, "I've got good news and I've got bad news.
The bad news is you're showing signs of being a homosexual."
"With bad news like that, what could be the good news?" Derek asks.
"The good news is I think you're cute."
78-
10 Signs that You Might be Gay
- There's a dick up your ass.
- You blow every paycheck on gerbils.
- You get offended by the word "Fruit Loops."
- Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.
- Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of your neighbours.
- Your nickname is "Homo."
- Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons, you'd rather spank him.
- You know over 10 people named Bruce.
- There's always a "queer" taste in your mouth.
- You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls.
79-
Elton John said, "The wedding went really well, but his ring was a bit tight".
80-
Q: What's a gay man's ultimate fantasy?
A: Running backwards in a cornfield.
81-
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.
"All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one another is perfect."
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we pull the dummy out of his arse."
82-
Q: What did one homosexual's sperm say to the other?
A: "How the hell are we supposed to find an egg in all this shit?"
83-
Q: What is the leading cause in death with lesbians?
A: Hair balls.
84-
What do you call a Russian Homosexual? Sir Gay
85-
A gay masochist is a sucker for punishment.
86-
Arthur took his college roommate, Samuel, home for Christmas, and after dinner, spoke to his father, "Dad, I need to tell you something. Samuel and I want to get married, and we'd like your blessing."
Arthur's father practically exploded, his face turned red, and was literally speechless for ten minutes. When he finally regained his composure, he replied,
"Arthur, you CANNOT marry Samuel!!! For Christ's sake, Arthur... He's... He's Jewish!"
87-
How do you know when your room-mate is gay??
His dick tastes like shit!!
88-
THE HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA
You've heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, James Kennedy, and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, someone managed to sneak into the top secret Homosexual Headquarters, somewhere in San Francisco, and got a copy... Here it is: The Homosexual Agenda!
6 a.m. Gym
8 a.m. Breakfast (oatmeal and yoghurt)
9 a.m. Hair appointment
10 a.m. Shopping (Macy's or Nordstrom)
12 p.m. Brunch
2 p.m. Assume complete control of governments and related agencies...except the IRS. Destroy all heterosexual marriages. Replace school
counsellors with militant homosexuals to recruit all school kids for the homosexual lifestyle. Infiltrate various religious factions to convert them to paganism or hair dressing. Seize control of Internet and all other media except 'The Harley Davidson Newsletter '.
3 p.m.....Be utterly fabulous!
5 p.m. Beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from the stress of world conquest, followed by aromatherapy
6 p.m. Cocktails
7 p.m. Light dinner (soup, salad with arugula & balsamic vinegar dressing, Chardonnay)
8 p.m. Theatre or Ballet
10 p.m. Cocktails in a charming neighbourhood bistro
12 a.m. Bed (du jour).
Gosh..you didn't know that the Agenda really existed, I always thought that it was just propaganda from the religious zealots.
89-
A king, who had three daughters for marriage, made the statement that any prince in the kingdom who could pass certain tests could marry his choice of the three. One of the daughters was a blonde, one a brunette, and one a redhead.
All the princes in the kingdom tried to pass the tests and failed.
One day Prince Charming came up on his white charger and said to the king, "I understand you have three daughters for marriage." And the king said, "Yes, if you pass certain tests." So the king explained the tests to him and Prince Charming went forth into the world.
A year later, he came back and told the king of all the dragons he had slain, of all the fair maidens he had rescued, and of all the battles had fought. The king said, "Son, you may have your choice of my daughters for marriage. Which do you choose?"
Which do you think was his choice?
He chose the king because this really is a fairy tale.
90-
Gay Man's Motto:
"My body is a temple ... With ample parking in the rear."
91-
Q. What charges can you bring against a transvestite?
A. Male fraud.
92-
One of my wife's friends is a lesbian. One day we got to talking and I asked her did she ever wonder what it would be like to have children.
She said it was the one thing she regretted about her sexual orientation, that she might never be a mother.
She's a good-looking lady, and I said slyly that if she ever wanted to be impregnated I'd be happy to help out -- purely altruistically of course.
She shot me a death-ray look, and told me with a curling lip that if she ever decided to reproduce, it would be by artificial insemination.
"No problem," I replied, "If you want artificial, I'll tell you I love you."
93-
If The 12 Apostles Had Been Gay:
1.. The Last Supper would have been brunch.
2.. The Beatitudes would start, "Fabulous are they..."
3.. Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem screams for a production number, with ostrich feather palm fronds and a large oyster shell instead of just a donkey.
4.. The water at the wedding feast of Canaan would not have been changed to wine, but extra dry Bombay Sapphire martinis with a touch of Curacao for
colour.
5.. The temple would not only have been cleansed of moneychangers, but redecorated as well.
6.. Mary's hair would have been Flawless.
7.. The Gospels would be Mathew, Mark, Lance, and Bruce.
8.. Priests would have torrid affairs with altar boys... wait.... Never mind.
9.. Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day.
10.. The Sermon on the Mount would have been a musical
94-
Two lesbians walk into a House of Ill Repute.
They ask for the youngest woman in the joint.
The Madam says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them.
The lesbians make the demand again, "We want the youngest girl here!"
The madam says, "No. I don't serve minors to lickers."
95-
To celebrate the recently announced "gay marriages", furniture store Ikea are now selling a lesbian bed range.
Assembly instructions are slightly different - there's no longer any screwing involved but plenty of tongue & groove.
96-
SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE GAY
You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls.
You blow every paycheque on gerbils.
You get offended and/or turned on by the word "Fruit Loops."
Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.
Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of your neighbours.
Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons. You'd rather paddle his cute little ass.
You're best friends with the girl you took to your high school prom.
You think Pamela Anderson dresses nice.
You dress like Liberace on casual Fridays.
Your idea of "getting lucky" on the weekend is finding Ralph Lauren sheets on sale.
You start to cry when your boss says you can't have the day off for your birthday.
You don't know the score of the game last night, but you do remember that the players had some of the roundest asses you've ever seen.
When someone asks you if you're a pitcher or a catcher, your first thought isn't about baseball.
When you see a handsome police officer following you on the highway, you speed up instead of slowing down.
You've wondered if Batman and Robin share a bedroom.
You noticed that Ricky Martin shaved his chest for his last video.
You're the one everyone turns to when they need someone to plan a surprise party.
You can recite the next line of the following song: "The minute you walked in the joint, I could see you were a man of distinction."
When viewing straight porn videos you watch the women give head and think, "they're not doing that right."
97-
Now that Canadian Gay Marriages have been legalized, here are the new rules:
1) On the day of a gay wedding, it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym.
2) Superstition suggests that, for good luck, the couple should have: Something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty.
3) It's customary, at gay and lesbian nuptials, for the parents to have an open bar during the entire ceremony.
4) Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating any of the wedding cake because it's all carbs and sugar.
5) It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.
6) During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or hand held lasers.
7) For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival.
8) The reception hall must have a disco ball and at least one go-go dancer.
9) The wedding singer is not allowed to play/sing Let's Hear It For the Boy, It's Raining Men, or I Will Survive.
98-
Two gays got into a heated argument, with one of them saying, "Well, you can kiss my ass!"
The other one blurted out, "This is no time to talk about romance, Bitch!"
99-
Two fellows were lost in the desert, they had been there for days with no sign of life anywhere. All of a sudden one of the guys started to feel horny with all the heat and stuff.
He turned to his friend and said "do you know every now and then vultures sweep down and peck out your eyes?".
His friend replied "no way".
He said "yes but I have a prevention."
"If I see one swooping down insert these two coins into your eyes and bury your head in the sand".
"Gee thanks" his friend replied.
All of a sudden the guy yelled "Vulture attack, Vulture attack" quickly the guy put in the coins and buried his head in the sand. At this the other guy whipped down his pants and had his wicked way with him. The guy in the sand shouted "You can peck as hard as you like you aren't getting my eyes !".
100-
An evangelist was delivering a flaming sermon on vice that shook the rafters of the mission. "Listen to me, all you cigarette suckers," he thundered, "all you pipe suckers, all you bottle suckers -"
Just then a high squeaky voice interjected from the back row, "Don't forget us!"
101-
One day, while fishing under the I-94 bridge in West Central Wisconsin, Gustov made a confession.
"Ve all been friends for tirty year and been tru a lot. I never told ya dis before cause I didn't Vanna ruin our friendship, but I'm gay."
Ole looked over at Sven and said, "We kinda figured dat out a vhile back, but vasn't gonna say nutting cause ve din't vanna embarrass you".
Gustov thanked them for their understanding and continued, "Da reason I'm tellin' ya dis is cause I got AIDS and I got only six munts to liv. You are da only family I got and I vant ya to promise me dat ya vont let dem barry me. I'm scared of dem caskets. I vanna be cremated.
Den, I vant ya to trow my ashes from dat bridge into dis river vhere ve've spent so much time together." Ole and Sven wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend as asked.
By Golly, six munts later Gustov up and died. They were standin' on the bridge with the ashes. Ole was about to trow them out when Sven stop him: Vait, you gotta say sumting," he says.
"I don't know vhat to say. I never waz much bout goin' to church" Ole admitted.
Sven, he scratch his head, "Just say somting....anyting, Make it rhyme."
Ole, he tought about it a while and started trowing the ashes out over the river and said, "Ashes to ashes, Dus to dus, If you liked vomen, You'd be here wit us."
102-
A young gay man is confronted by some of his friends and told that he may be drinking a bit too much and it seems like it may be getting in the way of his work and
affecting some of his relationships. His friends are concerned that he may need to seek help...
He took their feelings to heart and joined AA. At the end of a year of dedication he is clean and sober and gets his "pin" showing his progress (of one year being clean and sober)...
He then thinks, he has wanted to stop smoking for awhile, could he use the same principles he used in AA to stop smoking? He sets himself on the path and does so...
By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco free... and has a small dinner party to celebrate the fact. When he get together with his friends, they are amazed at what good health he is in... and amazed that he is not only
alcohol free but also tobacco free. They applaud his dedication.
About a year later he has another dinner party and announces to all his friends that he is "no longer gay". His straight friends as well as his gay friends are totally amazed at this. No one believes he has managed to change so much in
his life.
"Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?" many asked. "Was it just a choice of lifestyle change" others asked. "Was it some type of religious revelation?" was even asked...
"No.... nothing so drastic" he replied.... "Its just when I quit smoking I found everything tasted different....."
103-
TOP TEN REJECTED TITLES FOR BROKE BACK MOUNTAIN
10. "Not-That-There's-Anything-Wrong- With-That Mountain"
9. "Wyatt Slurp"
8. "For A Few Dollars More We Can Make It A Threesome"
7. "Long Ranger"
6. "Go West Young Man...Now South...a Little More South...OH GOD YES RIGHT THERE!"
5. "Bunanza"
4. "The Good, The Bad, and the Fabulous"
3. "Broke My Back Mounting Him"
2. "Fun With Dick In James"
1. "Oklahomo"
104-
What does AIDS stand for?
Arsehole Injected Death Sentence!
105-
Did you know AIDS is actually a miracle?
Yeah, it turns fruits into vegetables.
106-
Doctors have found a cure for gay men.........
Lipsol. They rub it around their arseholes and it keeps the chaps away.
107-
A king, who had three daughters for marriage, made the statement that any prince in the kingdom who could pass certain tests could marry his choice of the three. One of the daughters was a blonde, one a brunette, and one a redhead.
All the princes in the kingdom tried to pass the tests and failed.
One day Prince Charming came up on his white charger and said to the king, "I understand you have three daughters for marriage." And the king said, "Yes, if you pass certain tests." So the king explained the tests to him and Prince Charming went forth into the world.
A year later, he came back and told the king of all the dragons he had slain, of all the fair maidens he had rescued, and of all the battles had fought. The king said, "Son, you may have your choice of my daughters for marriage. Which do you choose?"
Which do you think was his choice?
He chose the king because this really is a fairy tale.
108-
Why do gays have
moustaches?
To hide the stretch marks
109-
Elton John goes to a tattooist and says
"I want a Rolls Royce tattooed on my cock".
"You'd be better off with a Land Rover" replies the tattooist, "it won't get stuck in the shit".
110-
There was nothing to do on this Thursday night, so the two co-eds were just hanging around the apartment. Brenda, who was dressed only in bra and panties, was jiggling back and forth around their place doing some chores. Abby, who was sitting on the bed, decided this was the night that she would reveal her secret to her room mate. "Take a break", Abby said to her friend, "Come over here and sit down". As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and kissed her full on the lips. "I've always wanted to tell you something" Abby said, "It's kinda hard to say this... Well, let me be frank". Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky voice: "No darling... Let me be Frank".
111-
Two gay guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman. As the cop tried to arrest them for their act of public indecency, they bolted away. The cop pursued after them and managed to catch one of them. He told him, "When I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove this nightstick right up his ass." Just then a voice calls out from behind a tree. "Yoo-hoo, Officer. I'm over here."
112-
Why don't homosexuals like chess?
Because every so often, they have to sacrifice a queen.
113-
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
With a baseball bat!
114-
Two gays got into a heated argument, with one of them saying, "Well, you can kiss my ass!"
The other one blurted out, "This is no time to talk about romance, Bitch!"
115-
Ladies and Gentlemen I am pleased to announce that
they have finally found a cure for homosexuality!!!
AIDS
116-
I love going gay clubbing!
My only problem is wiping the blood off my baseball bat afterwards.
117-
The old saying goes,
One up the bum, no harm done.
I doubt if Freddie Mercury would agree.
118-
A lesbian went to weight watchers.
The organiser said "Remember, you are what you eat"
Lesbian said "You calling me a cunt?"
119-
A king, who had three daughters for marriage, made the statement that any prince in the kingdom who could pass certain tests could marry his choice of the three. One of the daughters was a blonde, one a brunette, and one a redhead. All the princes in the kingdom tried to pass the tests and failed. One day Prince Charming came up on his white charger and said to the king, "I understand you have three daughters for marriage." And the king said, "Yes, if you pass certain tests." So the king explained the tests to him and Prince Charming went forth into the world. A year later, he came back and told the king of all the dragons he had slain, of all the fair maidens he had rescued, and of all the battles had fought. The king said, "Son, you may have your choice of my daughters for marriage. Which do you choose?"
Which do you think was his choice?
He chose the king because this really is a fairy tale.
120-
What do you call a gay guy with a 12 inch cock?
A pain in the arse.
121-
Did you hear about the gay Palestinian?
He was a suicide bummer.
122-
Have you noticed how gay guys are normally quite well off?
I suppose its because they don't have girlfriends.
123-
Have you heard about the new treatment doctors are prescribing depressed lesbians?
Its called Trydicagain.
124-
Q: Why did the lesbian cut her trip to China short?
A: She missed her native tongue.
125-
Q: What do you say to a lesbian with no arms or legs?
A: Nice tits. Bitch.
126-
Q: What is the politically correct name for Lesbian?
A: Vagitarian.
127-
"Daddy, Daddy, what's a transvestite?"
"Shut up and unhook my bra!"
128-
I recently came out of the closet, about being a lesbian, in front of my parents. I was a bit nervous as to how they would react but they took it surprisingly well, especially my dad.
He asked me what my girlfriend looked like then ran quickly upstairs to the bathroom.
129-
I was walking around town last night when I saw two gays holding hands, and a large group of guys walking behind them shouting 'you're sick' and 'you dirty motherfuckers.'
I found these comments ignorant and embarrassing on behalf of fellow townsmen.
I mean, if anything they're 'dirty fatherfuckers'
130-
A young gay man is confronted by some of his friends and told that he may be drinking a bit too much and it seems like it may be getting in the way of his work and effecting some of his relationships. His friends are concerned that he may need to seek help.
He took their feelings to heart and joined AA. At the end of a year of dedication he is clean and sober and gets his "pin" showing his progress (of one year being clean and sober).
He then thinks, he has wanted to stop smoking for awhile, could he use the same principles he used in AA to stop smoking? He sets himself on the path and does so.
By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco free and has a small dinner party to celebrate the fact. When he gets together with his friends, they are amazed at what good health he is in, and amazed that he is not only alcohol free but also tobacco free. They applaud his dedication.
About a year later he has another dinner party and announces to all his friends that he is "no longer gay." His straight friends as well as his gay friends are totally amazed at this. No one believes he has managed to change so much in is life.
"Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?" many asked. "Was it just a choice of lifestyle change?" others asked. "Was it some type of religious revelation?" was even asked.
"No, nothing so drastic" he replied. "Its just when I quit smoking I found everything tasted different."
131-
100 Reasons to be Gay
1. You truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.
4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. You really have "been there, done that."
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
11. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous."
12. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
13. You can have naked men you don't know in your home.
14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
16. You understand why the good Lord didn't intend everyone to wear it.
17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.
18. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff.
19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
20. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
23. You've always got an opinion.
24. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. You know how to dress strategically.
26. Your car has an amusing female name.
27. You're the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
28. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
31. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult.
32. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed... unless you tell them what to tell you.
34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
36. You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. You know how to make an entrance.
40. You know when to make an exit.
41. You worry about people you don't even know - like Liza Minnelli.
42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. You know how to program your VCR.
44. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
48. You know when to play dumb.
49. You know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, you do have a condom.
51. You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to you: a) You adore Judy Garland b) You hate Judy Garland c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland. d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland. e) You don't give a damn about Judy Garland. f) Who is Judy Garland?
53. You can supply the last names to the following list: a) Bernadette b) Chita c) Barbra
54. You made Donna Summer a star.
55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
57. You've made sunbathing a performance art.
58. You know when the party's over.
59. You know where to go after the party's over.
60. You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of a) Your grandma b) Your face lift c) John Wayne Bobbit
62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate."
64. You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't necessarily a compliment.
65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
66. If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian.
67. If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian.
68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like "Stand by your man".
69. You've been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
72. You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.
73. You've left someone totally speechless.
74. You've shaved something other than your face.
75. All your friends do not have to "get along".
76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
79. You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. You've got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer.
82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
83. At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.
84. You know your enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's right there in the shower.
86 You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan.
87. You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
88 Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added side dishes.
89. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and "important issues" can be about hair.
90. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. You know, by heart, every line in: a) All about Eve b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show c) Your face
94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost.
136 are non-verbal.
96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supreme's song.
97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if you're in Kansas, you're not in Kansas anymore.
99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.
132-
Why don't homosexuals like chess?
Because every so often, they have to sacrifice a queen.
133-
Watched this film called 'anal lesbians' the other day.
They spent the entire film going through the fridge labelling everything..
134-
A local gay bar was burned to the ground last night.
The blaze was attended by 80 firefighters.... along with 40 Red Indians, 30 Construction Workers and 20 Cowboys.
135-
Lesbian Cocktail Lounge: A Her-She Bar
136-
I think it's important to remember that we just can't be good at everything.
For example, look at Liberace, he was a great pianist, but he sucked on the organ.
137-
After his first sleepless night in Prison, where he was tied up, gagged and had his arsehole hammered til it bled, Boy George has appealed against his sentence....and asked for a further 3 years!
138-
Freddie Mercury. He was great on the piano but sucked on the organ.
139-
"When a gay man proposes, do both go down on one knee?"
I would have thought just one of them goes down on all fours to present the ring.
140-
In the days of Yore, long gone by, at the time of Camelot, there were many brave Knights, but the bravest of them all was Sir Lancelot. Sir Lancelot was the bravest of the brave, goodest of the good and purest of the pure.
One day Sir Lancelot set out from Camelot on his trusty charger, his quest as ever to slay dragons, rescue maidens, and hopefully turn up the Holy Grail on the way. Resplendent in his shiny armor he set forth, brave, good and pure.
However on this day, events took a decidedly strange twist, as out of nowhere a strange twist of time and space appeared, and before Sir Lancelot could reign in his horse, they plummeted thru the vortex and were hurled many years thru time and many miles thru space, until finally...... they landed in present day San Francisco.
Slightly disorientated and completely naked (the anomaly did not transport non-living tissue or in-organic substances), Sir Lancelot surveyed the new world that he had been thrust upon.
His nakedness did not trouble him, for in his mind he was clad in the raiment of Goodness and Purity. Just then he spied what he thought must be an Inn of some form named "The Fudge Packer".
He entered this strange hostelry and noticed men clad in all manner of weird apparel. He believe that he saw women also, but on closer inspection, they turned out to be men as well, dressed in female clothing.
Alas, Sir Lancelot did not watch where he was treading and his foot slid thru a large strawberry daiquiri slick. He somersaulted into the air before landing on his head, knocking himself unconscious, draped
face down over a chair and...
... a Good Knight was had by everyone!
141-
Edinburgh has fielded 'HotScots', the first all-gay football team.
I can't see them doing too well against the straight teams.
I'm not homophobic or anything; I just don't think they'll be very tight at the back...
142-
Apparently, the HIV virus is fragile outside the body, and can be killed by household detergents such as Fairy Liquid.
Ironic really, as it was 'fairy liquid' that caused the epidemic in the first place.
143-
What did the gay man say
to the census taker?
"Well, I was born in Chicago but reared in San Francisco."
144-
I recently came out to my best friend and told him I was gay.
He turned his back on me... That was his first mistake.
145-
I came out as a gay to my parents the other day.
In shock they asked if I was sure.
I said I wasn't just sure, I'm HIV Positive;
146-
I bet that when
gays were kids, they always tried to shove the cylinder in the star shaped hole.
147-
I just read about the 26yr old lesbian public school teacher who
has been jailed for having a sexual relationship with a student.
Does Crimewatch take requests for reconstructions??
148-
Then there was the Scottish gay, Ben Doon.
He was found in a bush with nothing but an old Macintosh on him.
149-
Cyril sauntered into the Interflora shop.
"Is it true you send flowers abroad?" he asked.
"Yes," was the reply.
"Oh goody, then send me to London, I'm a pansy."
150-
Old fairies never die. They just blow away.
151-
I've just seen two deaf lesbians walking down the street with their hands in
each others knickers..........
Do you think they were LIP reading???
152-
The old actor said the queers in the town were the ugliest he had ever
encountered.
"But then, buggers can’t be choosers." he said.
153-
If horse racing is the sport of kings,
Drag-racing is the sport of queens.
154-
Gay pride is a group of homosexual lions.
155-
I could never be gay.
I can't bear the thought of blokes turning me down as well.
156-
My number one sexual fantasy actually came true this weekend - to go to bed with
two lesbians!
Now my number one sexual fantasy is to go to bed with two lesbians who actually
look like women.
157-
A gay guy I work with came up to me today and said, "I wish I was your
wife."
I said, "no, you don't - she never takes it up the arse."
158-
What is a gay mans favourite time of the day?
Ate a cock.
159-
Did you hear about the masochistic homosexual?
He was a sucker for punishment.
160-
I think it's important to remember that we just can't be good at everything.
For example, look at Liberace, he was a great pianist, but he sucked on the
organ.
161-
A king, who had three daughters for marriage, made the statement that any
prince in the kingdom who could pass certain tests could marry his choice of the
three. One of the daughters was a blonde, one a brunette, and one a redhead.
All the princes in the kingdom tried to pass the tests and failed.
One day Prince Charming came up on his white charger and said to the king, "I
understand you have three daughters for marriage." And the king said, "Yes, if
you pass certain tests." So the king explained the tests to him and Prince
Charming went forth into the world.
A year later, he came back and told the king of all the dragons he had slain, of
all the fair maidens he had rescued, and of all the battles had fought. The king
said, "Son, you may have your choice of my daughters for marriage. Which do you
choose?"
Which do you think was his choice?
He chose the king because this really is a fairy tale.
162-
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed
lesbians. It's called Trydixagain.
163-
I used to sell fags to boys but soon found out it's more profitable to sell
boys to fags.
164-
The worst thing about playing for a gay football team is that even after full 90
minutes there's always somebody wanting to pull you off.
165-
Q. Why should we feel bad for the gay homeless population?
A. None of them have closets to come out of.
166-
His aunt asked him, "You're a homosexual? Are you seeing a psychiatrist?" "No,"
Mike said, "I'm seeing a lieutenant in the army."
167-
I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door..
They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I
wanna watch."
168-
Why do gays eat refried beans on Saturday night? So they can take a bubble bath
Sunday morning.
169-
A gay man is in a bar, on all fours, trying to pick up some money he
dropped. A big bouncer says, "Hey, you! Move it or I'll give you a foot up the
ass!" The gay man looks around and says, "I think you're bragging, but I'm game
if you are."
170-
Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt is said to be distraught
but on a lighter note, is now the only gay in the village.
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