Ethnic 2
261-
EURO-SPLITS on IRAQ AID WORTHINESS
In a further demonstration of the splits that the War against Saddam has opened in Europe, the Quirinale has openly criticised the French 'arrogance' in claiming that "The French Army believes it is second to none in the fine art of surrendering quickly".
A spokesman for the Italian Prime Minister said "We accept that nobody knows how many French troops it takes to defend Paris, as it has never been done, but for the French to claim supremacy in the speed of surrender is as ludicrous as their claims for bodily hygiene. It is accepted amongst military experts world-wide that the great Italian Army retreats best [our thanks to Fiat Militaria for their production of tanks with one forward gear and eight reverse] and surrenders quickest."
In an off-the-record briefing a source close to the Chief of the Italian General Staff conceded that the French were 'probably' world leaders in their 'arrogance and refusal to accept facts as they are on the ground' when surrendering. However, he refused to consider any French claim for speed of surrender.
In further comments, it was made clear that, apart from one brief moment of glory, against Abyssinia seventy years ago, the Italian Army, especially, had an almost perfect record of surrender, almost before a shot had been fired, ever since the inception of the concept of Italy in the time of Garibaldi - but 'always with due humility, not like the bombastic French, with their airs and graces and sickly sweet sauces'.
Reaction from the Elysee Palace is still awaited, but in Brussels, the European Commissioner with responsibility for External Relations, Marie-Joseph
Epilee-Gourds, indicated that the fledgling Euro-Army, comprising detachments from - amongst others - the French, Italian and Belgian Armies, would expect to be seen as perhaps the world's finest and fastest
surrenderer, provided that the necessary bureaucracy could be processed, in the necessary fourteen languages, in time.
"This is a huge challenge, ensuring that the Euro-Army can surrender quickly and in a
co-ordinated and fully communautaire fashion. We have working groups studying this now. Some of them have fanned out to fine French and Italian restaurants in five continents, and we are hopeful of proposing a definitive programme for further study before March 2004, with the
completion of a full proposal for Euro-Army surrender mechanism to be put to the Commission not later than Spring 2007. We would move on to a rapid deployment of the necessary Eurocrats by 2010, with a view to full implementation by about 2014. The Euro-Army will be the finest in the world, drawing on such fine traditions of rapid surrender. It will be a time for greatness"
262-
There is a raffle at the local Jewish Community Centre and prizes are being drawn.
"4th prize, which goes to Hymie Himmelfarb, is a Rolls Royce." Huge applause. Hymie goes up to collect his keys and shake hands.
"3rd prize, which goes to Frank Myers, is a Rolls Royce and a cheque for £10,000." Huge applause. Frank goes up to collect his keys and cheque and shake hands.
"2nd prize, which goes to Abe Epstein, is a piece of fruit cake!" Ghastly silence. Abe goes up to the stage to the presenter.
"What do you mean, a piece of fruit cake? 4th prize was a Rolls Royce, 3rd prize was a Rolls Royce plus a cheque for £10,000, so what the hell do you mean a piece of fruit cake for the second prize?"
"Ah," says the presenter, "This is special fruit cake. It's made by the Rabbi's wife"
"Fuck the Rabbi's wife" says Abe, hysterically.
"What? You want the 1st prize as well?" came the reply.
263-
One afternoon, Maurice was walking in Golders Green Park when to his utter amazement a small space ship landed in front of him. As he stared at it, a beautiful, shapely female came out and walked towards him. He couldn’t believe it – she was quite like any Earth girl. She told him, in perfect English, that she was an ambassador from Venus and that she had come specifically to learn more about Earth and its customs.
Being single, Maurice offered at once to escort her around London and asked her if they had nightclubs on Venus. She replied, "What are night clubs?"
So Maurice took her to the Café De Paris where they had an excellent meal. Then the music started. She was a quick learner and soon was dancing just like the other women there. They spent the rest of the evening dancing together and talking about the differences between Earth and Venus. At midnight, Maurice took her back to his flat for a nightcap.
As they were drinking coffee, Maurice asked her whether Venusians liked to make love. "Of course we do," she replied with a cheeky smile. So the two of them went into his bedroom and began to undress.
Maurice soon noticed that she had emeralds for nipples, a huge blue diamond instead of a navel and hundreds of small rubies instead of pubic hair.
"Do all Venusians have jewels on their bodies?" he asked.
"No, not the Gentiles." she replied.
264-
One day a Jewish man went to a golf course where they advertised they could provide a caddies of all types and could cater for special
needs. When he arrived he advised the Caddy Master he wanted a caddy who could work Jewish style. This surprised the Caddy master, he had never had such a request before, Lefties, half blind, lame, slicers
etc., yes, all types, but never Jewish.
Never the less, he called the boys and asked if anybody could help out. After a long silence, a new caddy sitting in the corner said he could. On the way to the first tee the boy said "I really do not know how to caddy Jewish style, but being new I wanted to impress the other boys, if you show me how I will do it for half price". The man replied..."you learn fast...".
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Benny walks into a New York bank, and says he's going to Europe for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage. Two weeks later to the day, he returns to the bank, repays the $5,000 and interest of $15.41. The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir, we were delighted to have your business but, in checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow $5,000?"
"Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for $15.41?"
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There were two Jewish women (Ruth and Golda) walking along the street.
Ruth says to Golda, "My son, Irving, is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes.
Golda, says to Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth answers, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It's past time he's settled. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary at home - I'll look it up and call you,"
So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth........
"Ruth, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles!"
267-
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a very expensive psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
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A Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul in New York when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He's an old man with a cane and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi places his hand on his shoulder and says, May
God bless you."
The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also. Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the
Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and the went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names. "So where's the money" she says?
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat."
"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."
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Benny, the matchmaker, goes to see Abe Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Mr. Cohen, you mustn't wait too long. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says Benny.
"Don't bother," replies Abe, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good," said Benny, "but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"
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Roy is a nice young Jewish guy who has fallen in love with a girl he has just met.
When Roy tells his father about her, the father just wants to know her family name. When Roy tells him that the girl's name is Ford, his father tells him that Ford is not a good Jewish name, and he must forget her, and go and find a nice Jewish girl.
So time passes, and Roy finds another girl, but her name is Smith, so his father tells him the same thing, to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name.
So more time passes, and Roy finds another girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg!" exclaims his father, "This makes me very happy because it is a real good Jewish name, and from a good established family"
Then he asks what her first name is. "Is it one of my favourite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca?" "No Father" replied the young guy. "It's
Whoopi"
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A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favor mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"
"I did," says the bemused Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."
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Maurice has a business appointment, and he arrives a little early. The receptionist points to a comfortable easy chair, and asks him to be seated for a short while. Maurice settles down, picks up a glossy magazine from the glass-topped table, opens it, and tries to read. However, he finds that he cannot concentrate because he is distracted due to a rumpus coming from behind one of the doors leading off the reception area. Maurice goes over to the receptionist and asks: "What's going on in there?"
She replies: "It's a partners' meeting."
"But why are they shouting at each other?" Maurice asks.
"It's a battle of wits," she replies.
Maurice asks: "Who is in there?", and she answers: "Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abramowits."
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The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among them, but you could feel the tension in the air. For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. In spite of the warm weather this always caused a shudder among the waiting mass.
The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses.
Moses set down his load and raised his hands. "Friends," he said, "friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible argument, every trick I could think of--and I think I was successful. The good news is: I brought him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news is: Adultery is still in."
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A Corkonian thesis from a UCC final year project which received a 1.1
Dublin was founded in the 8th century by the Vikings, when they realised that the best way to cause lasting damage to the country was to build what leading Viking at the time, Hagyar Ringsend, termed "A shithole for the ages". This statement was proved true over time.
Luckily for the rest of Ireland, Dublin is located on the east coast. This means that the prevailing south westerly wind generally takes the smell across the Irish Sea to Britain. In the 1950's Britain retaliated by building Sellafield nuclear power station. The Irish Sea is now one of the cleanest in the world, the radiation from England and the filthy pus and bile from Dublin nullifying each other. It is a pity for us all that Dublin is not located 50 miles further east. However, many "Dubs", or "Gobshites" as they are known to the rest of us, would go even further!
This is because Dublin is all that remains of what was once called "West Britain". Dublin people share many characteristics with the English people, including an amazingly low alcohol tolerance, ridiculous accents and the ability to get into a barroom brawl with Mahatma Ghandi and Mother Teresa.
Indeed, many young Englishmen come to Dublin for "stag nights"- not for the nightlife, but because all of the sluts there are falling over themselves to be impregnated by anything with a foreign accent in order to claim "choil' benefih'", or "childrens' allowance" as it is called in the civilized world.
But beware! Dublin beer is much more expensive than ordinary beer. This is because it is watered down with expensive mineral water. You see, due to Dublin being a pox ridden eyesore which leaks revolting pus into our beautiful land, they have no clean tapwater. In fact, 86% of Dubliners don't even know what a tap is (the other 14% knew that it had something to do with beer). As a result, the beer is watered down with mineral water, as I said, and now the average Gobshite must fork out well over the odds for a pint.
But don't let this put you off visiting cosmopolitan Dublin, where absolute knackers mix freely with some of the world's snobbiest bastards. Let the heroin, car theft, annoying whinger bastards, syphilis infested prostitutes and Europe's crappest traffic system put you off going there instead. Exits are by road, air and sea only, and are usually quite busy, so be patient.
VISIT CORK. For information on Cork, please contact the tourist board on 021343434. It's worth it
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Short summary of every Jewish holiday
They tried to kill us.
We won.
Let's eat.
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Things are going badly for Israel. The economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what to do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with a solution.
After several hours of talk without progress one member stands up and says "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I’ve got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States."
Everyone starts shouting at once. "You're nuts! That's crazy!"
"Hear me out!" says the minister. "We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over.
"Sure," says another minister, "that's if we lose. But what if we win?"
277-
Q: What is a genius?
A: An average student with a Jewish Mother.
278-
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man, Bernie Cohen, slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.
As Bernie unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered Bernie, "One for me and one for Bernice."
"Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped Bernie, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
279-
Paddy’s wife went to her doctor for a check up. Afterwards, the doctor said to her, "I must inform you that you have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle."
As soon as she got home, she said to Paddy, "Sure you wouldn't believe it. I went to the doc and he told me - 'You have a fish in your uterus and if you have a baby it will be a mackerel'
280-
Mick and Paddy are discussing the rigours of life. One of them sighs and says to the other, "Considering how hard life is, death isn't such a bad thing. In fact, I think sometimes it's better not to have been born at all."
"True," says his friend. "But how many men are that lucky? Maybe one in ten thousand!"
281-
Freda and Moshe Levy won 8 million pounds in the National Lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of living in luxury. They bought a luxurious mansion in Northwood, surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable and decided to hire a butler. After much searching, they found the perfect one.
One day, they instructed the butler to set up a dinner for four because they were inviting their friends, the Cohens, over for dinner and they will be going out for the day.
When they returned that evening, they found the table set for six. When they asked the butler why six places were set when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four, the butler replied: "The Cohens called and said that they were bringing the Bagels."
282-
Abe Cohen goes to a restaurant every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. Abe replies "Was good, but you could give a little more bread."
The next day, the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Was good, but you could give a little more bread".
Next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Was good, but you could give a little more bread".
The manager is now obsessed with seeing Abe say that he enjoyed his meal, so he goes to the bakery and orders a 6ft long French loaf. When Abe comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. Abe sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup and both halves of the 6ft loaf of bread. The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for. When Abe comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"
Abe replies "It was good as usual but I see you are back to giving only 2 slices of bread!"
283-
Sheena goes to see her priest. He can see right away that she is angry. She immediately tells him that she wants a divorce.
"Why, what's the matter?" he asks.
She replies, "I have a strong suspicion that Paddy is not the father of our youngest child!"
284-
Freda Cohen is having a very torrid time her teenage son. They are always screaming at each other and sometimes even fighting. So Freda takes him to see a psychoanalyst.
After several sessions, the doctor calls Freda into his office and tells her, "Your son has an Oedipus complex."
"Oedipus Shmedipus," answers Freda, "What's it matter as long as he loves his mother."
285-
Paddy just couldn’t believe it - he had won a top prize in the lottery. He just had to tell his best friend.
Mick congratulated Paddy and asked how he had picked his six numbers.
“I chose my age and the ages of my wife and 3 children,” replied Paddy.
“But that’s only 5 numbers,” said Mick. ”What about the sixth number?”
“Well, it was a miracle,” replied Paddy. “Six sevens appeared to me in a dream and danced before my very eyes. Six times seven is 49 and so I chose 49.”
“Hey, wait a minute,” said Mick, “six times seven is 42 not 49.”
“Huh? . . . All right, so you be the mathematical genius.”
286-
In the early 1800's, Paddy had to go to Omaha on business.
He went to the stagecoach office and asked, "How much is a ticket to Omaha?" The clerk responded, "five dollars". "Too much!" he complained.
"Anyway, I ain't got $5, I only got $2, so dere!". "Well you ain't goin ta Omaha for $2, so forget it!" said the clerk. "Liss'n, I got ta get ta Omaha. I got very important
buisiness dere. Please! Maybe you could do sumtin for me?" "I'll tell you what I can do," said the clerk. "We need somebody to ride shotgun. Gimme the $2 and you could ride shotgun." "What you talkin' about, ride shotgun? I need to ride on da
stagecoach!" said Paddy.
"No, No! You don't understand!" said the clerk. "You ride up on the top with the driver. You hold this rifle and if you see any Indians, you shoot 'em."
"What you talkin' shoot Indians? I ain't never shot no Indians," replied Paddy.
"Listen to me! It's easy. You see an Indian; you point the gun at him and pull this trigger. Just give me the $2 and get up there with the driver," demanded the clerk.
So Paddy climbed up with the driver and off they rode into the prairie.
About 3 hours into the trip, the driver asked, "Ya see any Injuns?"
"Yep, I see one." said Paddy. "How far away is he?" asked the driver. "How could I know dis?" asked Paddy, who then put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart and said, "He looks dis big; should I shoot 'em?" "Not yet," said the driver. "You'll never hit him he's too far away. Wait 'til he gets closer." Another couple of hours passed and once again the driver asked, "Do ya still see the Injun?""Yep, I still see 'em." Again Paddy put his hand in front of the driver's face and this time held his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart and said, "He looks dis big, should I shoot 'em yet?" "Not yet," said the driver. "He's still too far away. Wait until he gets closer. I'll tell you when to shoot 'em."
Well, this same continued every few hours for several days. On the third day of their journey when asked if he still saw the
Indian, Paddy demonstrated the size of the Indian by spreading his arms as far as he could from top to bottom, indicating that the Indian now looked very big. The driver said, "Okay, Now he's close enough. Now you can shoot 'em!"
Paddy hesitated and then said, "Nah, I couldn' shoot'em."
"Whadya mean you cain't shoot 'em? Why not?" demanded the driver.
Paddy put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, and said, "How could I shoot 'em? I've known him since he was dis big!"
287-
Along time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy say's "papa, you
do many many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."
"Well Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You usea thisa one to pointata what evea you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married."
Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa. Tony said "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life, but Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"
Papa drew close to Tony and said "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become
tired, when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your
middle finga and you poka on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!' "
288-
SYDNEY, Friday: A man describing himself as a passionate masturbator has admitted that he spiked his own drink with the drug rohypnol in order to have his way with himself.
The man told police he deliberately set out to prey on his own company, by slipping the potent sedative pill into his vodka and tonic while he wasn't looking.
He said his plan from the outset was to take advantage of himself while his defenses were down.
I was really on the hunt for some self-abuse, the man said. And when I saw this hottie bit of hand leaning on the bar I slipped myself a mickey, and the next thing I know I was taking myself back to my place.
Police have described the man as one of several predatory masturbators currently operating in the watering holes around the inner city of Sydney.
In fact, it's fair to say that most Sydney bars are full of wankers, a police spokesman said.
289-
'NEWS FLASH! The government of Ireland today announced that it intends to ban the use of mousetraps throughout the Republic of Ireland, as they are Weapons of Mouse Destruction.
Also, the Irish government announced that their airforce has assisted the coalition
airstrikes, by bombing TieRack'
290-
Issy owned a small deli in Hendon. One day, a tax inspector knocked on his door and questioned him about his recent tax return. Issy had reported a net profit of £50,000 for the year and he wanted to know all about it.
"It’s like this," said Issy. "I work like a maniac all year round and all of my family help me out whenever they can. My deli is closed only five times a year. That’s how I made £50,000."
"It's not your income that bothers us," said the taxman. "It's the business travel deductions of £80,000 that worries us. You entered on the tax return that you and your wife made fifteen business trips to Israel."
"Oh," said Issy, smiling. "I forgot to tell you that we also deliver."
291-
Deborah had left home to go to London to work as a secretary. Soon after, she began regularly sending money to her parents, Moishe and Sadie.
Some years later, Sadie asked Deborah to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail. Deborah said she would come to see them that weekend.
You can imagine Moishe and Sadie’s surprise when Deborah pulled up outside their house in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds.
As she walked into the house, Moishe muttered aloud, "It seems that London secretaries get well paid." Deborah walked over to him, took his hands and said, "Daddy - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I just didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Moishe gasped, put his hand over his heart and fell to the floor. The doctor was immediately called, but could not help - Moishe had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the Rabbi was called. As the Rabbi was comforting Sadie and Deborah, Moishe muttered weakly, "What a way to go – murdered by my own daughter, killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Daddy, please, please forgive me," Deborah sobbed. "I wanted to have nice things to wear and to have enough money to be able to send you some. The only way I could think of doing that was to become a prostitute."
On hearing this, Moishe sat bolt upright in bed, looking already so much better. Smiling he said, "Deborah, did you say prostitute? I thought you said Protestant"
292-
Q: Why are so many Jewish girls still single these days?
A: They have not yet met Dr. Right.
293-
In the middle of Whitechapel, London, there was a little street with just five shops in it. Every shop was a tailor's shop, except for one, which was empty.
The first was called George’s Tailor Shop. On its sign was, "Best tailors in the area."
The second was called Mick’s Tailor Shop. Its sign read, "Best tailors in London."
Then came "The Tailor Shop". Its sign read, "Best tailors in the UK."
The fourth was "Baring & Gilow’s Tailors". On its big sign were the words, "Best tailors in the world."
So Moishe Cohen took a lease on the fifth shop, the empty one, and Moishe decided to call it "Cohen’s – Best tailors in the street!"
294-
Emergency aid
A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale hit Albania this morning. 350,000 Albanians are missing, and over a million have been reported injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help. The rest of the world is in shock: Canada is sending troops to assist the country. The USA is sending food, medical aid and money. France is sending doctors, nurses and medical supplies. Russia is sending tents and warm clothing. The UK is sending 235,000 replacement Albanians.
295-
Paddy Flynn was a new recruit in the British Army. On his first day, an officer came up to him and said, "What is your name?"
"Paddy Flynn," he replied.
The officer shouted at him, "You must say 'Sir' when you answer an officer of the British Army. What's your name?"
"Sir Paddy Flynn," came the reply.
296-
Irish weapon inspectors were busy over the weekend confiscating pesticides and path clearing herbicide agents from DIY and garden centres all over the Republic.
A spokesman said, "We are sure that we have now rounded up all weapons of moth destruction as well as the weapons of moss destruction."
297-
Mick and Paddy were in court and standing before the judge.
"Why can't this case be settled out of court?" the judge asked.
Mick looked up at the judge and said, "That's what we were trying to do, your honour, when the police interfered."
298-
Michael, 85 years old is walking through Dublin one day when he sees his cousin Patrick coming towards him. Patrick is smoking a cigarette using a cigarette holder. As Michael had never seen such a thing before, he asks, “What’s that, Patrick?”
“Dats a protector, Michael,” replies Patrick. “It protects my clothing from di eshes and my beard from di flame.”
Michael says, “I gotta hev one a dem, too. Where you geddit?”
Patrick replies, “I got it from a chemist.”
So Michael shuffles down the road till he comes to a chemist. He goes up to the assistant and says, “So gimme a protector.”
The assistant looks at the little wizened old man and decides to have some fun with him. “So what size do you want, mister?”
Michael shrugs his shoulders and replies, “Size? Big enough for a camel”
299-
Paddy and Sheena had just got married and were on honeymoon. On the first night, as he was making love to Sheena for the first time, Paddy looked down at her and asked, "Am I the first man to make love to you, Sheena?"
Sheena looked up at him and replied, "No Paddy. I'm sure I would have recognised you."
300-
Moshe went to Edgware cemetery to visit his friend Daniel’s grave. When he got there, he was shocked to see that Daniel’s new headstone was leaning forward by some 45 degrees and could topple over. So Moshe took some wire from his car, tied one end around the headstone and fastened the other end onto a nearby telephone pole. Then he left.
Some days later, two more of Daniel’s friends, Abe and Issy came to visit him. Abe took one look at the grave and said to Issy, “That’s just like Daniel. He’s only been here a short while and already he’s got his own phone.”
301-
Chuck was visiting Ireland for the first time. As soon as his plane landed, he got a taxi to take him to his hotel. The taxi driver was very friendly and told Chuck all kinds of useful information.
Then Chuck asks the driver, "Say, is Ireland a healthy place?"
"Oh, yes, it really is," the driver answered, "When I first came here, I couldn't say even one simple word, I had hardly any hair on my head, I didn't have the energy to walk across a small room and I even had to be helped out of bed every day."
"That's a remarkable story, truly amazing," Chuck said, "so how long have you been here in Ireland?"
"I was born here."
302-
Issy wanted something extra special and memorable for his son Paul’s Barmitzvah. He spent weeks checking out the swankiest venues and the best caterers in London and then settled on a very plush banqueting hall and an enormously expensive caterer who promised him a great surprise on the night.
“Issy,” said the caterer, “don’t worry. It will be such a special event that everyone who attends will talk about it for years to come.”
“OK, where do I sign?” said Issy.
The night of Paul’s Barmitzvah party arrived. As soon as everyone was seated, the lights dimmed and to a fanfare from Sam Bloom’s Symphony Orchestra, 12 powerful searchlights shone upwards whilst at the same time, an uncannily lifelike model of Paul slowly descended from the ceiling. But this was no ordinary sculpture. It was made entirely out of chopped liver.
From all over the hall could be heard gasps of amazement. Then the toastmaster announced that the sculpture had been created by the great Henry Moore himself. Everyone cheered.
At the end of the affair, Issy met with the caterer to settle the bill.
"This was indeed a very special night for me," Issy said, "but one thing upset me. Did you really have to get that gentile Henry Moore to make the statue? Why didn’t you get a Jew? Couldn’t you have asked, say, Epstein?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," said the caterer, "I did ask Epstein, but he only works in egg and onion."
303-
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.
I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.
I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we Feel your Pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
304-
Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Menachim, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
305-
Ireland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery outside Limerick early this afternoon.
Local search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
306-
These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight.
They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar. "Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I here that St Patrick was a shirt lifter."
"Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.
With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and here he was a pervert too."
"Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds.
"I know how to rile this tosser." Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?"
The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me."
307-
Dear Ma & Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, grits and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
308-
A Yorkshireman walks into a building and gets into the lift. He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the second floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets into the lift and leans seductively against the wall.
The Yorkshireman doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous. The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor. At this stage the guy is getting very nervous.
Then she says: "Make a woman out of me".
He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies, "Here, iron that."
309-
Tips for Southerners moving North
1. Save all your beef fat. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Northerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Love"
3. Just because you can't drive on snow and ice does not mean we always have to give you lifts everywhere.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of Carly Special and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find video rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not try to buy fresh pasta. Thump in gob tends to offend..
7. If it can't be fried in lard, it ain't worth cooking.
8. Remember: "Us" is singular. "Thaa" is plural. "Thaas" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Southerner imitating a northern accent, unless it is a northerner imitating a Brummie accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "Tha not from around here, are tha?"
11. People walk slower.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Northern expression to creep into a transplanted Southerner's vocabulary "me ducks", Eighty-five percent end their new northern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He were a southern bugger" ia a legal defence up here.
16. If attending a funeral in the north take your baseball hat off when everyone else does.
17. If you hear a Northern kid exclaim, "Ayup, come and look at this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will say before the explosion.
18. Most Northerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a northern licence plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Southerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windscreen that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The summer wardrobe you always brought out in April can wait til June.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most miniscule accumulation of sun, your presence is required at the local chemist. It does not matter if you need anything from there, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the North. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your caravan. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the caravan and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Blizzards and Northerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a caravan.
24. Leeds does NOT have a castle, no matter how often you ask us.
25. In Northern churches you will hear the hymn, "Come All Ye Faithful". You will also hear expressions such as, "Bugger me, Lord", "God knows", "Jesus wept!" and "God help the poor cow ".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as a Reliant Robin, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Northerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key piles of rubble, canals, coal mines, railway crossings, and where factories used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
310-
North vs South
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought the Millennium Dome was tacky.
No kids in the back of the van, it's not safe.
Wresslin's real! .
Love, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.!
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Who's Mandy Dingle?
Give me the small bag of pork scratchings.
That Barnsley FC mug goes really well with your crockery.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Kwik Save today.
Trim the fat off that chop.
Cappuccino tastes much better than espresso.
The tyres on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on floppy disk.
Only three spoons of sugar,ta.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Stella for the Leeds match on Sky.
Mr Kipling snack cakes have too many calories.
Checkmate.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Summer Wine" that we haven't seen.
What's Rugby League?.
I believe you cooked that pasta just a little too long.
Those shorts are too plain. Got anything with a Union Jack?
Daniel O'Donnell? Whose he then?
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
311-
A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
312-
A bus load of American tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A guy at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"
313-
Sometime in the 1970s a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the Soviet Union. The townspeople line up at the town store to wait to be given their rations. After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave." The Jews in the line leave grumbling.
About an hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so anyone who is not a member of the Communist party will have to leave." More grumbling as the non-Party members depart.
Another hour goes by and the man comes out of the store again and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone in the line, so anyone who wasn't a member of the Party before 1956 has to leave." More grumbling as all the younger Party members leave. A few old people remain in the line.
Another hour goes by. It's now getting dark and it's cold. The same man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't any meat. Go home."
One old lady in the line turns to her neighbor and says...
"See? It's like I told you. The Jews always get the best treatment!"
314-
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."
"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
315-
The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters.
The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes,
and for mist at noon as well.'"
So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy."
The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too."
Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning."
The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."
316-
BillyBob, Willie, and Rufus were sitting on the front porch, drinking a little 'shine, and talking about their dumb ole' hillbilly wives.
"You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid. She went down to the store 'tother day and bought an air-conditioner! Hell, boys, y'all know we ain't got no 'lectricity!"
The other two just howl with laughter.
Willie says, "Hell, that ain't nothing -- my dumbass wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine! And y'all know we ain't got no runnin' water!"
That one nearly slayed 'em.
Rufus wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Well, I reckon my bride's GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys.
'Tother day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with. I found six or seven rubbers.
Hell, she ain't got no dick!"
317-
Some Irish people decide to start a chicken farm. They get some chickens and plant them in the ground, headfirst. When all the chickens die, the farmers are somewhat confused, but they don't give up.
They get some more chickens, but these are planted feet-first. It takes a little longer, but eventually the second batch of
chickens die, too.
They decide to write a letter to the Irish agriculture bureau. In the letter they explain in detail the procedures they have
followed and their disappointing results.
A few weeks later they receive this reply from the bureau: "Before we can advise you, please send us a soil sample."
318-
What would happen if two men and a woman are marooned on an island?
If they are:
Spanish: One of the men will kill the other.
Italian: The woman will kill one of the men.
British: The men will fall for one another and ignore the woman.
Australian: The two men get drunk, then fall for one another.
New Zealander: The two men will go off together, and search for a sheep.
French: No problem: menage a trois.
Scandinavian: The two men will drink themselves to death, ignoring the woman.
German or Swiss: Nothing will happen, the men will talk about the latest improvements in performance autos.
Canadian: They'll work out a schedule for sharing on alternate day; if one is from the Maritimes, he gets extra days.
American: One of the men will be a computer nerd, so he won't care what the other two do.
South American: One of the men will make the other disappear just so the two remaining are rescued by the Spanish
secret service and brought to trial in Madrid.
Arab: The two men will drift into two different Moslem sects, declare a Jihad, and kill each other, never having looked at the veiled woman.
319-
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says to her lazy Scouse husband who refuses to find a job. "My father pays our rent.
My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolls over on the couch. "And you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never gave us a penny!"
320-
A Welsh sheep farmer was having a driving lesson.
"Now, Mr. Evans", said the instructor, "Can you make a U-turn?"
"No", replied the farmer, "But I can make its eyes water."
321-
Three babies - one German, one Jewish and one Irish were in the nursery of a maternity ward.
The nurse got them mixed up so to try and find out which was which she said, "HEIL HITLER!"
The German baby shouted, "ZEIG HEIL!", The Jewish baby shit itself, and the Irish baby shovelled it up.
322-
Three men one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to
the toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" "I'm getting a fax," he explains.
323-
Casey answering general knowledge on Mastermind with Magnus Magnusson:
Magnus: What’s a Hindu?
Casey: Lays eggs.
Magnus: What was Gandhi’s first name?
Casey: Goosey, goosey.
Magnus: What’s nitrate?
Casey: Time and a half.
324-
Q: What’s the definition of mass confusion?
A: Father’s Day in Brixton.
325-
An old Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, during World War 2, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy t o Spamoni, and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favours, which she did, repeatedly."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
326-
Paddy walks into a Sports Shop. He says 'Howya, boss. Any jobs going, boss. lovely day, boss'.
The shop owner says, 'Listen don't call me boss. Don't call anyone boss. They will know that you're from the bogs. Go home, clean yourself up and come back to me.'
Paddy goes home, gets a haircut and a suit, has a shower and comes back to the shop. 'Good afternoon sir, I was wondering would there be any vacancies in your shop at the moment'
Shop owner replies, 'As it happens I do. You look very familiar'.
Paddy says, 'I was in last week sir, you told me to come back'.
Shop owner: 'God, you look great! Well done! Let's do a trial run. The next customer that comes in, I will serve them and show you how it's done. Then you can have a go and we'll see how you get on'
A customer walks in. 'Hi, I was looking for a tennis racket'.
Shop Owner replies, 'Is that for grass or hard surface? There is a big difference in the type of racket you need'.
Customer: 'I didn't know that. Thanks a million. It's for a grass court'.
Shop Owner: 'Ok then, sir. Over there on the high shelf are all the grass court rackets. Have a look and help yourself'.
The customer chooses the one he likes, pays for it, thanks the shop owner and leaves the shop.
Shop Owner to the Irishman, 'Now you see how it's done. Here comes another customer. You have a go'.
Paddy: 'Good afternoon sir. How are you today? Welcome to our shop and how can I help?'
Customer: 'Good afternoon to you too. I am looking for a baseball bat'.
Paddy: 'No problem sir, we have a large supply. Would that be for a funeral or a wedding?'
327-
These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. » Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
328-
An Asylum Seeker walks into a wine bar and asks the landlord,
"Can you recommend a good port?"
The landlord replies, "Yes, Dover now fuck off!"
329-
The Operator received a call from a somewhat irate and very worried Jamaican who it seems needed some urgent marriage guidance.
The call went like this:
Telecom : How may we help you?
Customer : I haff a big problem with my phone bill. My wife, she think I haffing an affair!
Telecom : Okay Sir, and how can we help you with this?
Customer : My bill haff all these calls to Salulah and my wife think I haffing an affair with this woman, but I never heard of her before. I need to trace these calls please.
Telecom : Sir, I'm sorry but the bill won't actually tell you the name of the person you're calling, just their number.
Customer : This one does.
Telecom : What phone do you have, Sir?
Customer : A mobile. I tell you this.
Telecom : No, Sir, what make? What do you have in your hands?
Customer : An erection.
After a moment's silence, the gallant Telecom worker continued.
Telecom : Um, sir? Could you spell that for me?
Customer : For sure - E..R..I..C..S..S..O..N. Erection.
Another moment's silence from Telecom, and suddenly the penny dropped.
Telecom : Sir? Can you spell Salulah for me?
Customer : For sure. C..E..L..L..U..L..A...R. Salulah.
The end of the conversation was unfortunately not reported.
330-
Even more clues you could be a Redneck...
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your dog goes "oink!"
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
331-
If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth to have become populated.
This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.
332-
Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women?
A. Oil of Oy Vey.
333-
A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you all go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.
The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU ALL GO TO SCHOOL?"
334-
Two Professors of English, One American and One British are talking.
The American Professor says, “You know if Uncle Sam hadn’t helped in the Second World War you’d be speaking German.”
To which the British Professor replies, “May be. And if the French hadn’t helped you during the American War of Independence you’d still be speaking English.”
335-
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and
immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
336-
A ventriloquist visiting North Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog; in the garden are a horse and a sheep. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welshman: "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English git."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doing all right." Villager displays a look of extreme shock.
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" ....(pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep!"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good, He walks me twice a day, Feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play".
Villager shakes his head with a look of utter disbelief.
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool." The Villager is now absolutely dumbfounded.
Ventriloquist, (pointing at the villager): "Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep!"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good , thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements".
Villager now displays a look of total amazement.
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "Yes I do! That sheep's a bloody liar!"
337-
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Mick the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.
"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will you look at how fookin short that runway is".
"Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Mick.
"Tis is gonna be one a' the trickiest landings you are ever see" said Paddy.
"Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Mick.
"Right Mick. When I give the signal, you put ta engines in reverse" said Paddy
"Right, I'll be doing tat" replied Mick.
"And ten you put the flaps down straight away" said Paddy
"Right, I'll be doing tat" replied Mick.
"And ten you stamp on tem brakes as hard as you can" said Paddy
"Right, I'll be doing tat" replied Mick.
"And ten you pray to ta Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy
"Right, I'll be doing tat" replied Mick.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Mick full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Mick put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Mick and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Mick
"Tat has gotta be the shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in my whole life"
Mick looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, and the fookin widest too".
338-
There were three surgeons who were discussing their patients one day after work: "You should see the German patients," said the first
surgeon, "when you open them up, they're insides are like a precision piece of machinery -well crafted and extremely well-tuned".
"That is nothing," said the second surgeon, "you should see the Japanese -they are compact, efficient and spare parts are included!"
"You guys really haven't operated until you've seen an Australian," boasted the third surgeon, "they are simply a dream -only two moving parts... the mouth and the rectum -and both are readily interchangeable!"
339-
7. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling a bit peckish. Do you:
a. Roll over and go back to sleep.
b. Pop down to the kitchen for a quick cup of tea and a biscuit.
c. Phone twenty of your friends and invite them to come round and spend the next five hours eating snails, frogs, onions and garlic, smoking
Gitanes and drinking 48 litres of wine.
8. You arrive at work first thing in the morning What is the first thing you do?
a. Start the day's work straight away.
b. Sit in the loo for twenty minutes reading the paper.
c. Spend three hours shaking hands with your colleagues, hugging them and kissing them on both cheeks as though you have not seen them for twenty years.
9. Your car is stuck behind a large, slow moving lorry which happens to be carrying live sheep. Do you:
a. Slow down and wait patiently until a safe passing opportunity presents itself.
b. Immediately overtake the lorry at high speed and hope nothing is coming in the opposite direction.
c. Overtake the lorry, set up a road block to stop it, smash the cab windows, kill the driver, then set fire to all the sheep.
10. There's a parliamentary election taking place in your constituency. On polling day, whom do you vote for?
a. A middle of the road candidate with moderate views on most issues.
b. A mainstream left or right wing politician representing the Labour or Conservative party.
c. A four foot tall, obviously mad, one bollocked dictator who shouts a lot and has a stupid little "toothbrush" moustache.
11. You admire your neighbour's lawn which is particularly well kept. Which of the following would you do?
a. Nothing. You're quite happy with your own patchy area of grass.
b. Ask his advice to enable your lawn to look as good as his.
c. After promising him that you won't, move your garden fence onto his land making his lawn part of your garden. If he complains, shoot him.
12. You are walking down the street when you see an old lady being mugged by two youths. Would you:
a. Wade in without regard for your own safety and try to fight the youths off.
b. Run to the nearest phone box to call the police.
c. Ignore the fracas completely, declare your neutrality by waving a little white flag above your head, then scarper back to your underground nuclear bomb shelter and try to work out how much money you've made by selling vastly overpriced timepieces and multi-purpose folding knives.
13. Your local football team has won a game. How would you celebrate. Would you:
a. Go down the pub and have a few pints with your friends.
b. Just stay at home. You aren't that interested in football.
c. Drive around in circles in a stupid little twenty year old Fiat with six people on the roof, waving your arms out of the windows and honking the bloody horn all night.
14. You are playing football. At half time it suddenly dawns on you that your team is losing heavily. What action would you take?
a. Encourage your team to play better and make more of an effort in the second half.
b. Just go out and enjoy the second half. After all, it's only a game.
c. Hang the captain of your team from a nearby lamp post, then go out and change sides, joining the winning team for the second half.
340-
In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died. His widow, the
Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married.
After the marriage Friday came. They went to the Mikva. Then home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said,"my mother told me that after the Mikva and before lighting he candles, it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said "my father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex."
So they did. They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos. When they awoke he said to her" my grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's a mitzvah to have sex. So they did. After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear. "My grandfather says after praying it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.
On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, "So how is the new husband?" She replies. "Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."
341-
Paddy went to Canada to seek his fortune as a lumberjack. He met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give him a job.
"Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told him. Paddy didn't see this as a problem, so he went out with the Chainsaw and did his best.
He came back sweating like a pig. ''Christ, how many trees did you cut down?'' asked the foreman.
'6'' he replied.
''What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow.'' The foreman said. So he did. Out he went with the chainsaw and came back that night exhausted.
'How many this time?'' asked the foreman.
''12'' he said.
The foreman says, ''That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning.''
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, ''This is how to cut down trees really quickly.'' He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM.
He notices Paddy is looking at him frantically. So he asks him what's wrong. Paddy replies, ''What the hell is that noise?'''
342-
What's Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture!
343-
The Irish parachutist realized he had problems when his snorkel wouldn't open
344-
Paddy worked on a building site and one day a
slate came down from the roof and cut his ear off. Paddy and his workmates tried to locate his ear in the muck and dirt
etc. An ear was found and Paddy was asked Is This Your Ear? Paddy says No, Mine had a PENCIL on it.
345-
'Your glass is empty Paddy, will you be having another?'
'And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?' replied Paddy.
346-
Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.
347-
There was this guy who was 1/2
Irish, 1/2 Scottish. he wanted a drink but he couldn't bring himself to buy one.
348-
A young Scots lad goes around to his girlfriend's house wearing his brand new kilt.
"Och, Hamish", she says. "That's a grand kilt but is it true that ye dinnae wear anything under it?"
"Why dinnae ye put your hand down there and find out?" replies the cunning young Hamish.
So the girl obliges and finding that it is indeed true that a Scotsman loves the free and easy life, recoils and withdraws her hand.
"Och! Hamish!!" she cries. "That's gruesome!!"
To which Hamish responds, "Do it again, it's gruesome more!"
349-
Paddy goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space
labelled 'SEX'.
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Doesn't matter," Paddy answers
350-
Paddy is sitting with his wife, Judi, at a football match. Every few minutes, some guy comes over and fondles her. They squeeze her tits, reach up her dress, grind against her butt. And Paddy just sits there like nothing is happening.
Finally, a guy sitting next to Paddy leans over and says, "Man, don't you see what the hell is happening?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Well, hell, man, why did you bring her to the game?"
"(Sigh) If I leave her at home, everybody goes to my house and fucks her."
351-
Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend
says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
352-
Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy : SEVEN!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and
two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy : SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy : SEVEN!
Tester : How on Earth do you work out? that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy : I've already got one rabbit at home now!
353-
There was an Englishman, a Frenchman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a train carriage going through Provence. Suddenly, the train went through a tunnel and, being one of the older-style trains with no carriage lighting, it went completely dark.
Then there was a kissing sound, followed by the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had a nasty red slap mark on his face.
The Frenchman was thinking "The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking "The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the English fella and got slapped for it".
The English fella was thinking: "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French wanker again"
354-
Two Irish farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar apiece for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the same price they'd paid for them.
After counting their money at the end of the day, they realise they'd ended up with no more money than they'd started with. "See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda got a bigger truck."
355-
An Aussie had been wandering around the outback for years when he finally came to a farmhouse.
A pretty girl met him at the gate.
"D'yer root?" he asked.
"Nah," she replied. "But ya talked me into it ya silver-tongued bastard!"
356-
Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, Mick and Dave said their final good-byes to their good mate, Paddy.
"Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, mate", said Mick. "The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed fuckin' your wife".
At the first petrol stop, Dave turned to Mick and said, "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying fuckin' his wife!"
"No", Mick confessed, "I can't say that I enjoyed it, but I didn't want to hurt Paddy’s feelings".
357-
Two redneck kids, brother and sister, are going at it in their bedroom.
"Gee, you're better than Dad!" the sister says to her brother.
"I know," he replies. "That's what Mum keeps telling me!"
358-
Two black gals are shuffling down the road, when the older one asks the younger one...
"Honey Chil'...how old is you??"
The younger gal just shook her head and said sadly... "Don' know fo' sho'... on a counta my Mama never done learn hows to
count... but she be recknin' I's either 'leven or I's fo'teen..."
So the older gal says.... "Tell me sumptin', baby...Wha's the best thang you ever done had in yo' mouth??"
"Sheeeeh"..says the young girl. "Tha's easy...That be bein' a big ol' slice o' aunt Maybelles blueberry pie, yes maam!!!"
The first gal shakes her head, chucklin.... "Chil'...you's eleven!!!"
359-
Q: How do you know when an Essex girl has an orgasm ?
A: She drops her kebab.
360-
Q: How does an Essex girl turn the light on after sex ?
A: Opens the car door.
361-
Essex driving test: What is the primary purpose of the door mirrors as fitted to a car ?
Tracey: So I can examine the soles of my feet ?
362-
Q: What does an Essex girl say after sex ?
A: Do you all play for the same team, then ?
363-
An old Jewish fellow wins 1.5 million in the local lottery.
He's being interviewed on TV when asked what he plans to do with the money.
"Well," he says "half a million I'm going to give to my synagogue as it needs some work."
The interviewer asks "What about the rest?"
The old Jew says "another half million I'm going to give to a local Jewish Summer Camp so the kids can have a nice place
to stay in the summer."
The interviewer says "Great! What about the rest?"
"Oh, I'm giving that to the Nazi Party."
"WHAT?! Why would a Jew give money to the Nazi Party?"
The old Jew rolls up his sleeve , points to a tattoo and says "They're the ones that gave me my lucky numbers!"
364-
A stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down. She was followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the end of the bar. He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was his local hangout, figured the bartender would do him a
favour.
"Jack, here's a twenty-dollar bill," whispered the man, leaning over the bar, "slip her some Spanish fly."
"I don't have any Spanish fly," said the bartender, "but a customer gave me some Jewish fly."
"Jewish fly!" exclaimed the man, "what does THAT do?"
"I don't know," answered the bartender. "Why don't we try it and find out?"
The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the Jewish fly powder in her drink. She finished the drink, and a few minutes later got up and sidled over to the man. She put her arm around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee, and began to rub the inside of his leg.
"You attract me," she purred. "I'd like to do something with you tonight."
"Honey, I'll do anything you want," gasped the man.
"Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale's!"
365-
Why is it so difficult to solve a redneck murder?
A) The DNA is all the same.
B) No dental records.
366-
Q: Why don't Essex girls pass the driving test the 1st time?
A: Because whenever the car stops, they hop in the back seat.
367-
Why aren't there any African-American nuns?
Because they find it difficult to say Superior after the word Mother.
368-
A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred.
Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up.
When she sat, she kept going!
She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her.
She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her.
In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.
Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.
When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.
Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposed privates.
The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented:
"Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi's a goner."
369-
Q. Why do hillbilly guys go to family reunions?
A. To pick up chicks.
370-
Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"
He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of- a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
He says, "Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."
371-
Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.
"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where-a you-a been for-a da past-a two weeks? No-a one-a seen-a you around."
"Don'na talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been-a inna da jail."
"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been-a in jail?"
"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, anna da cops come, arresta me and atrow me inna jail!"
"But dey donna trow you in jail-a just for lying onna da beach!" Luigi countered.
"Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and a yellin'."
372-
Australian marriage guidance
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she
said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric mixer, electric toaster and electric bread maker but she said: "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
373-
Welsh Hymn
Now I lay me down to sheep
Pray the lord the sheep's asleep
If perchance the sheep should wake
Simple friendship shall I fake
374-
Amanpreet was bragging that in HIS country there
are 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.
Ray listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come from there's really only one."
"Oh," sniffed Amanpreet, "just one? And which way is that?"
"Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . "
"Praise Allah!!!" Amanpreet exclaims, "Number 80!!!"
375-
A redneck farmer was very upset when he discovered his son was going out to the barn several times a day to masturbate.
"Boy, you gotta quit doin' that! Now git on out thar and find yo'self a wife!" the farmer yelled.
The boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl and married her.
A couple of weeks after the wedding the farmer entered the barn and again found his son masturbating.
"Are you crazy boy?" the farmer shouted. "That Sue-Ellen is a fine young gal!"
"I know Paw, but sometimes her arm gits tired!" his son replied.
376-
SIGNS AROUND THE WORLD
On a golf course in Jamaica
GOATS FOUND PASSED THIS POINT WILL BE BARBECUED
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
In a Hong Kong restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
On an automatic restroom hand dryer in Copenhagen:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
Hotel notice, Tokyo:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ
NOTIS.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM
Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN UP IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF- SERVICE.
In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
From a Russian book on Chess:
A LOT OF WATER HAS BEEN PASSED UNDER THE BRIDGE SINCE THIS VARIATION HAS BEEN PLAYED.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
In the window on a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD,GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH
VIGOR.
377-
In Car Mechanics magazine there was a little discussion on how engines can become "addicted" to Easy Start if it's used too often. Apparently EasyStart can cause wear to the piston rings and bore so that it requires Easy Start to get it going.
However, an Australian reader wrote in saying there is an equivalent to Easystart over there, it's called :-
Start Ya Bastard.
The name says it all.
378-
Before the Berlin Wall came down a young member of the East German communist party went to his senior comrade with a strange request: he wanted permission from the Party to emigrate to West Germany. (It is only with the permission of the Party that people were allowed to leave East Germany. Often it was "granted'' as a method of eliminating people with inappropriate attitudes.)
"For what reasons could you possibly want to leave the Socialist paradise, young comrade?"
"Well, sir, I have a main reason, and a kind of side reason. The side reason is this: I know our Party has established a paradise here in the Democratic Republic, but the reason I want to leave is that I am very afraid that it will not last."
"Don't worry, son! It will last for ever."
"Well, good, sir: but that brings me to my main reason...."
379-
Two Polish hunters got themselves set up for a weekend of hunting. They gathered their guns, dogs, and ammunition before
tramping around for hours with no luck. When they came out of the woods at dusk, they looked around at all the other hunters who were carrying braces of pheasant, quail, duck, and geese. Gee, said one Pole to his companion, everyone else seems to be doing pretty well for themselves. Whaddaya think we could be doing wrong? I dunno, said the other. Maybe we're not throwing the dogs high enough.
380-
How can you tell if the kid who stole your bike is half black and half Polish?
He's running down the street with the bike under his arm.
381-
Isaac was a very successful marketing director. Sadly, his wife Rifka dies. At the cemetery, Isaac's friends and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads: -
"Here lies Rifka, wife of Isaac Levy, MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality Marketing Services Ltd."
Isaac was standing in front of Rifka's grave reading the headstone when he suddenly burst into tears.
His brother says to him, "I'm not at all surprised that you find this distasteful. It's right that you should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on our Rifka's headstone."
Through his tears, Isaac sobs, "You don't understand. They left out the phone number."
382-
If God had intended Jewish women to exercise, he'd have put diamonds on the floor
383-
Issy had never been on a train in his life. One day, he decided that as it was a lovely sunny day, he would try a train ride. Off he went with his yarmulke on his head, a shtick of vusht under one arm and a blackbread & some herrings in a jar in the other. He sits down in a plush compartment and gets settled down to fress. Suddenly, a porter pops his head in and says. “Sir, you will have to leave this compartment. It’s reserved for the Archbishop of Canterbury.”
Issy replies “Vell, how do you know I’m not de Archbishop of Canterbury?”
384-
A beggar knocked on the door of a house in Golders Green.
“What do you want?” said the owner.
“Can you spare some money to help a poor person?” said the beggar.
But as soon he was given a few coins and told to go on his way, the beggar complained, “Your son gave me twice as much when I called here last week.”
“Well, my son can afford to,” said the owner, “he has a very rich father.”
385-
Max was in coats but unfortunately business was very bad.
One day his partner Benjy said to him, “What are we going to do with these fifty coats? They’re last year’s style and even though we’ve knocked them down to £10 each, we still can’t sell any.”
Max replied, “Use your head, Benjy. Price them at £20 and send 10 of our best clients five coats each. But here’s the plan. Put in an invoice for £80 for only four coats. If I know them, my clients will think we’ve made a mistake. They’ll jump at a bargain and pay the £80.”
“What a terrific idea,” said Benjy. “I’ll send them out today.”
Two week’s later, Benjy says to Max, “What a stupid idea it was. Every one of those clients returned the parcel and the invoice, but only sent back four coats.”
386-
Moshe and Abe were partners in a very successful clothing factory. It had been in operation for many years and there wasn’t much they didn’t know about the shmatta business. One day, Moshe decided to take a trip to Rome.
As Abe had many catholic friends, he surprised Moshe by getting him an audience with none other than the Pope.
On Moshe’s first day back at work after his Rome trip, Abe asked him, "So, Moshe, what kind of a man is the Pope?"
Moshe replied, "I would say he's a 44 regular."
387-
Isaac was out shopping in Golders Green when he sees a sign in a window saying, ‘JACOB’S CUSTOM MADE CLOTHING’. He’s not sure whether to go in – it looks an expensive shop. But Jacob, the owner, sees him hesitating and quickly invites him in.
"What are you looking for?"
"A suit."
"Good," said Jacob, "you’ve come to the right place. When we make a suit here, you’ll be surprised at how we go about it. First, digital cameras take pictures of your every muscle and we download the pictures to a special computer to build up your image. Then we cultivate sheep in Australia to get the very best cloth. For the silk lining, we contact Japan for their silkworms, and we ask Japanese deep-sea divers to get the pearl buttons.
"B-b-bbut," said Isaac, "I need the suit for a Barmitzvah."
"When?"
"Tomorrow."
"…You’ll have it."
388-
Q. How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A. She has a headache with the postman.
389-
Old Yorkshire expression
“There’s nowt as queer as arse bandits”
390-
Three Dales farmers in a pub at the end of a long day are supping their pints, puffing their pipes and sitting there in silence. From the other end of the village the lowing of a herd of cows can be heard.
"Those will be old Ned Thacker's cows," says one farmer, before they lapse into silence again.
Eventually the second farmer says: "Nay, they aren't Ned's cows they be old Joe Wainwright's cows."
Silence reigns again for an age before finally the third farmer drains his pint, slams the glass on the table and says: "Well I'm going home. I ain't come here for a ruddy argument!"
391-
A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her.
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you!" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
"I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."
The lady replied, "Its my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!"
392-
In Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding.
Ol' Zeke decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge and into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing, talkin 'bout the good ol' days when maw spots the biggest bird she has ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up, "Git my gun, Maw."
Maw runs into the house, brings out his pump action shotgun. He takes careful aim.
BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG!
The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah...maybe so" he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeke, didn't he!"
393-
Did you hear that the Polish government bought 1,000 septic tanks? As soon as they learn to drive them, they're going to invade Russia...
394-
Seamus and Paddy were supping Guinness in the pub and Seamus says to Paddy
“I’m taking my pig to market next week and I want to find out how much it weighs”
Paddy replies, “No problem at all. To figure out how heavy a pig is, you find a good stout plank and balance it on the pole of a fence. Tie the pig onto one end of the plank, and then run around to the other side and put a rock on the opposite end. Keep trying different rocks until you get one that balances with the pig. That's about it, all you have to do then is guess the weight of the rock!”
395-
How can you tell if a Jewish American Princess is a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she has her hair done.
396-
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas
which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the
tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?"
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
397-
An Irishman has just finished having sex with a Scottish girl.
She says, “I thought Irish men were supposed to be big and thick.”
He replies, “And I thought Scots where supposed to be tight.”
398-
Two Japanese businessmen are taking their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha House.
The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have some unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonouring you."
Hirokosan can't believe what he hears, and asks for more information.
"Your wife is dishonouring you and she’s doing it with a foreigner of the Jewish faith."
Shocked, Hirokosan goes home and confronts his wife. "I’m told that you’re dishonouring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith."
She replied, "That’s a lie. Where did you hear such mishegoss?"
399-
Rachel had not seen her Israeli relatives for years, so she was very excited when her Aunt Leah and Uncle Yitzhak came to visit her in London. To celebrate their visit, Rachel took them to an old-fashioned Kosher restaurant in Hendon.
"I'll have the kreplach," Rachel told the waiter.
"The kreplach is from last night," explained the waiter. "Better you should order something made fresh today. How about stuffed peppers?"
"OK, let it be stuffed peppers."
The waiter turns to Aunt Leah.
"And you?"
"Bring please the pot roast."
"Look, lady, the pot roast is strictly for goyim. If you want something special, try the flanken."
"All right then, so bring the flanken."
Uncle Yitzhak studied the menu carefully then said to the waiter, "I can't make up my mind. What do you suggest?"
"Suggest!" cried the waiter. "On a busy night like this who has time for suggestions
400-
A local referendum amongst residents of Liverpool has rejected the Euro.
There was 100% support for sticking with the Giro.
401-
A French Canadian diamond driller named Jean-Guy Rubberboot was working a drill site north of Chicoutimi in Quebec.
He'd been sitting on that drill for six months and the cook was starting to look very attractive. The problem with that was that the cook was a man and so was Jean-Guy. The exploration camp boss figured that the best thing to do was give Jean-Guy a break. He gives him a couple of weeks off to go into Chicoutimi for some R&R. (Insert heavy French accent throughout the dialogue)
Jean-Guy arrives at the Hotel Maison Neuve in Chicoutimi and with a knowing wink, says to the desk clerk.
"Bonjour monsieur, I want a room with a girl"
The desk clerk says, "Mais oui monsieur, no problem. You pay for three days room rental in advance, then go up to room soixante neuf, the lady is already there."
Jean-Guy scoffs "L'argent? Pas de problem !!" He throws a couple of handfuls of money across the counter and heads for his room.
Three days later Jean-Guy comes down from his room, throws the keys across the desk and says " PAH !! This town is boring. I'm going to Montreal"
As he's getting off the flight from Chicoutimi at Montreal, he's accosted by two very large RCMP officers who start asking him questions.
Mountie.... "Are you Jean-Guy Rubberboot ? "
Jean-Guy ..."Ah oui, errr... yes I am"
Mountie...."Did you just spend three days at the Hotel Maison Neuve in Chicoutimi ?'
Jean-Guy ..."Errr.. Oui, Yes I did"
Mountie.... "Did you have a girl there ?"
Jean-Guy ..."Errr.. Oui, Yes I did"
The police are now getting puzzled because Jean-Guy isn't denying a thing.
Mountie.... " Did you know she was dead ?"
Jean-Guy ..."Errr.. Non, I thought she was English . "
402-
Sandy and Thorn were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright, white couple. Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black baby.
Nine months later, the fruits of their labour was born: a lovely white girl. Pleased but disappointed, Thorn decided to ask a black man at work why he thought he couldn't make a black baby.
Realizing that Thorn was somewhat sluggish, the fellow took him aside and asked, "Is your willy at least 12" long?"
Thorn had to admit that it was not.
"And is it at least 4" wide?"
Once more Thorn replied in the negative.
"Well, man, there's your problem!" Black guy slapping Thorn on the back. "You let in too much light!"
403-
Two families move from Saudi Arabia to America. When they arrive, the fathers make each other a rather large bet -- in a year's time, whichever family has become more American will win.
A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, "My son's playing baseball, I went to McDonald's for breakfast, and I'm on my way to pick up some Budweiser for the football game tonight. How about you?"
The second guy says, "Fuck you, camel jockey!"
404-
Do you know what happened in 1850? California became a state. Back then, the state had no electricity, no money, there were gun fights in the middle of the streets, and almost everyone spoke Spanish.
So it was just like California today.
Only back then the women had real tits.
405-
Moishe says to his friend, “My Sadie and I, we are always holding hands.”
“Why do you do this?” asks his friend.
“Because if I let go, she shops.”
406-
Issy was talking to his analyst, “I grew up to have my father's looks, my father's speech patterns, my fathers posture, my father's opinions and my mother's contempt for my father.”
407-
Abe ran a thriving business and was very wealthy. Many of his customers were gentiles and he was therefore proud of his success. But he was worried about his teenage son, Issy, the heir to his business. Issy often used Yiddish words and phrases, some of them vulgar, in front of customers and greatly upset them. For weeks Abe struggled with his problem. He was a widower and knew of no classy woman he felt could help. At last, the answer came to him. It was the perfect solution.
Abe went to see Father Brown, the local Catholic priest and a highly educated cleric whose command of English was flawless. As the church was having financial problems, Abe offered Father Brown £25,000 if the priest would agree to take Issy under his wing for a week and teach the boy to speak English the way he did. So, protesting loudly every step of the way, Issy went to board with the eloquent priest.
A day passed, then two, but Abe heard nothing. Finally, on the third day, he couldn’t stand the suspense and he called the church. Father Brown answered the phone himself. Hoping for a miracle, but far from convinced, Abe asked how Issy was getting on.
"Oy," replied the priest, "let me tell you, the first few days with Issy were hell. He called me 'meshuggeh,' he said my cassock was an ugly 'shmatta', and he never stopped complaining about my 'kvetching.'"
Father Brown sighed audibly. "Nu, but don't despair, Mr Goldberg. I haven't given up. And after all, won't any improvement be better than 'bupkes'?"
408-
Abe was 75 years old and had a medical problem that needed complicated surgery. Because his son Jacob was a renowned surgeon, Abe insisted that Jacob perform the operation. On the day of his operation, as he lay on the operating table waiting for the anaesthetic, Abe asked to speak to his son.
"Yes dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, Jacob, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if God forbid something should happen to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
409-
As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the Captain came over the tannoy.
"Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off. To those of you standing in the aisles, we wish you a Happy Chanukah. To those who have remained in their seats, we wish you a Merry Christmas."
410-
An Aer Lingus pilot is on final approach to Dublin airport when the control tower asks him for his height and position.
The reply, “I’m 5ft 10” and sitting in the front seat”
411-
Two Iraqi spies meet in a bar in downtown Miami. One starts to greet the other in Arabic, their native language.
The other waves him off contemptuously and says, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish."
412-
Moshe was a bragger and loved to out-do his friends whenever he could and now it was coming up to the time of his son Isaac’s bar mitzvah. He gave it a lot of thought and then, after studying many brochures and maps, he hit upon a perfect, unique way to celebrate – a safari.
So Moshe went ahead with the detailed arrangements. He started off by hiring a special flight to Africa to accommodate all the invited family and friends. Then he chose a guide and his bearers. He phoned the guide long distance and told him what he wanted.
“I want my entourage to be able to hear jungle chants; I want to be able to shoot some wild animals, on film of course; I need a clearing to be found where my Rabbi can hold the service; and I want my son to be able to recite his prayers in Hebrew whilst standing on the body of an anaesthetised lion.”
“OK,” said the guide, “no problem.”
The guests were ecstatic when they received details of the weekend and all accepted their invite. Come the day of departure, they were all flown to Africa. On arrival, the guide and bearers were waiting for them, together with 30 elephants. Off they went with the guide leading the way and directing the elephants along the narrow trails through the rain forest. But then, just 5hours into the journey, the column of elephants came to a sudden halt and the guide shouted, “There will now be a delay of 2 hours.”
Moshe was angry at this. “Why the delay?” he asked his guide.
“There’s nothing I can do,” said the guide, “there’s another two bar mitzvah safaris ahead of us.”
413-
Rachel and Sarah meet one day in Brent Cross shopping centre.
“Is it true, Rachel,” asks Sarah, “that your son Benjy has moved out of law?”
“Yes, it’s true,” replies Rachel, “he’s now a salesman in a tailor shop.”
“Mazeltov,” says Sarah, “but a salesman? Is he any good at it?”
Rachel replies, “Is he any good? Why he’s brilliant. Only yesterday a woman comes into his shop to buy a suit to bury her poor late husband in. And guess what my Benjy did? He talked her into buying an extra pair of trousers.”
414-
Sadie is dying. As she lay in her bed, she says, “Shlomo, are you here?”
“Sadie, can’t you see I’m standing right next to you?” replies Shlomo.
“Well that’s a change,” says Sadie, “I’m not used to having you at home.”
“Oh now come on darling,” says Shlomo, “you didn’t really expect me to be out of the house when you’re dying?”
“Well it wouldn’t have surprised me,” says Sadie.
“Please let’s not argue,” says Shlomo.
“OK,” says Sadie, “but I want you to promise me something. How many cars have you ordered to go to the cemetery?”
“Four,” replies Shlomo.
“Does that include the hearse?” asks Sadie.
“Yes,” replies Shlomo, “but this is not the time to talk about it.”
“Shlomo, it’s my funeral, remember,” says Sadie. “Four cars are too many. If people want to come, let them find their own way there. Cancel one of the cars.”
“OK,” says Shlomo.
“And I want you to promise me something else,” says Sadie.
“Anything darling,” says Shlomo.
“I want you and my mother to travel together in the same car,” says Sadie.
“But darling,” says Shlomo, “you know we’ve not spoken to one another for at least ten years.”
“I know,” says Sadie, “but I don’t care. It’s what I want. Promise me you’ll do it.”
“Well, OK,” replies Shlomo, “I’ll do it, but let me tell you now, it will ruin the day for me.”
415-
Izzy and Naomi go to bed and one hour later, Naomi is still awake. She is having great difficulty in getting to sleep so she decides to do what has worked before. She nudges Izzy and says to him in a soft voice, “Izzy, turn over.”
Izzy replies, “£56,710.65.”
416-
Hetty is having afternoon tea in a Hendon cafe. On an adjacent table, Mary is also having tea. Mary leans over towards Hetty and says, "Excuse me asking, but are you Jewish?"
"Why yes I am," replies Hetty.
"I thought so," says Mary, "you have a Jewish holiday this week, don’t you?"
"Yes we do, it’s called Rosh Hashanah."
"Is that when you light a different coloured candle every night?" asks Mary.
"Oh no," says Hetty, "that's Chanukah."
"Then is it the one when you’re not allowed to eat any bread?" asks Mary.
"No, that's Passover," says Hetty, "Rosh Hashanah is when we blow the Shofar."
"That's really nice," says Mary, "that's what I admire about you Jewish people – you’re so good to the staff."
417-
Paddy, the Irish loan shark lent out all his money and then skipped town.
418-
Q: What are the two biggest Irish lies?
A: The check's in your mouth, and I won't come in the mail.
419-
Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
Drink molasses till you heave.
Attend a Wet Bonnet contest.
Tear a page out of the phone directory and totally trash it.
Throw a "Keg of Buttermilk" party.
Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really hot Clydesdale.
Get a tattoo that says: "Born to Raise Barns."
Dare to wear a see-through smock to bed.
Sleep in until 6:00am.
Cop a glance, behind a checkout counter, of the front cover of a Playboy Magazine.
Churn butter naked.
420-
Words that could be confusing and embarrassing in the UK & US
1) Buns. You know what these are. You're probably sitting on them now. Over here buns are either bread or cake rolls. Asking for a couple of sticky buns in a bakery here will mean Mr Crusty the baker will give you two cake buns with icing (frosting) on the top. If I went into a deli in Manhattan and asked for a couple of sticky buns I'd probably get arrested...
2) Fag. A goody but an oldie. Over here a 'fag' is a cigarette. So in the song 'It's a long way to Tipperary' the line 'As long as you have a Lucifer to light your fag' is not a
fundamentalist Christian's statement that all homosexuals will burn for eternity in hell, but saying that 'if you always have a match to light your cigarette...'
3) Faggots. Meat balls made from offal (chopped liver) in gravy. Also a small bundle of logs suitable to burn on a fire.
4) Pants. You call pants what we call trousers; pants are the things that go underneath.
5) Rubber. In this country a pencil eraser. Don't be shocked if the mild mannered new Englishman in your office asks for a pencil with a rubber on the end. Especially when he says that he enjoys chewing it when he is thinking.
6) Shit. To us, bodily waste. To you, practically everything as far as I could figure, good or bad (and you certainly don't want us to touch yours...)
7) Fanny. To us the front bottom; to you the back one. In Britain, the fanny pack is known as a bum bag for obvious reasons...
8) Muffler. To us what you call a muffler is called a silencer. In the UK a muffler is a long scarf a la Dickensian Novels.
9) Pavement. Sidewalk to you.
10) Pissed. To you it's quite legal to be pissed in a car in a traffic jam. In fact, in large cities sometimes you cannot help it. For us, it means that you have been over doing it 'down the boozer' (pub) and a kindly policeman will shortly flag you down and arrest you.
11) Shag. To you a dance. To us sexual congress. In other words you may have to summon up the courage to have a shag with someone, before you might have a shag with them later on. Also a sea bird similar to a cormorant and a type of rough tobacco.
12) Fancy. To be sexually attracted to or to desire. Also a tea cake.
13) Ass. To us a quadruped of the horse family or a stupid person. The word you guys are looking for in English
English is 'arse'.
14) Sneakers. We call these 'trainers' for some reason.
15) Waistcoat. You call them vests.
16) Football. A classic example of our culture gap. To us football is what you call soccer. To you football is what we call pointless. You probably think the same way about cricket...
17) Baseball. In England we play a game called 'Rounders' which has identical rules bar the bat being a short baton designed to be used with only one hand. It's only played in schools. In the US, it's a PROPER game...
18) Some food differences
english american
------------------------
courgette zucchini
mars bar milky way
milky way three musketeers
opal fruits starburst
chips french fries
crisps chips
19) 'Knock you up'. In our country, to wake someone up in the morning so they won't be late. Slightly different meaning for our American Cousins...
20) Pastie. A pastie is a meat and potato pastry that originates from Cornwall, UK. In the guidebook I had for Michigan, it mentioned that some
Cornish tin miners had come over and brought over the recipe with them when they settled the Upper Peninsula. Even so, I had to taken aside and carefully told what an American pastie was so I wouldn't embarrass parents in front of children at the summer camp I was working at when I was talking about my liking for Cornish Pasties...
21) Knackered. I'm not sure if you have this word in the US. When I said I was knackered I got puzzled looks. It means you are tired. It comes from the fact that horses are often tired when they have testes removed (their knackers) when they are castrated. (Sorry! I guess you didn't want to know that...)
22) Fag. (Oh no not again!) When at a public (i.e. private - confused you will be) school in the UK, you may have to 'fag' for an older boy. This usually involves shining shoes, cleaning up and performing other favours for this older lad. In return for fagging, the older boy looks after your interests and makes sure that you fit into the school and promote the school spirit (bon vivre, not necessarily the alcoholic kind). This may also be a fag (i.e. a tiresome thing).
23) Trunk. In the US what we in the UK call the boot of a car. In the UK, the trunk is the front end of an elephant. Can be embarrassing if you happen to be a pachyderm working as a taxi driver in NY. (Also a large metal and wooden box much beloved of Edwardian travellers).
24) Spunk. In the US it is perfectly acceptable for a boss to ask whether you are feeling full of spunk of a morning (i.e. full of get up and go.) This situation in the UK may only arise when a director is quizzing a male actor in the adult entertainment business.
25) Woody. In the UK, an acceptable description of a wine that has taken on the flavour of the barrels it has matured in. In the US *never* go a wine tasting and claim that this wonderful Californian Chardonnay has an excellent 'woody' flavour, unless you are the female co-star of the aforementioned male actor and you are in the process of filming an 'arty' movie.
26) Hood. To our American cousins, the bit of a car that the engine sits under or place where you might live if you are a rapper. To us Brits, the part of a coat that is designed to cover your head when it rains. What you call the 'hood' we call the 'bonnet' on a car.
27) Gas. To the citizens of the United Kingdom, an instrument of warfare, the stuff that you use to cook your dinner on or a state of matter that is neither liquid nor solid. To you guys, what we call petrol and the gaseous by product of bottom burps (wind).
28) Pecker. To keep one's pecker up is a state of mind in the UK, an athletic feat in the US and a way of life for the common or garden woodpecker.
29) Toilets. Although we have a lot of colourful euphenisms for the lavatory experience in the UK (e.g. spend a penny, watering the daisies) we lack the prissiness of our American chums. To us a toilet is a bog, a kharzi, a shithouse (or alternatively an outhouse in more polite company), a gents/ladies but mostly a toilet. It is perfectly acceptable to be in the Ritz and request to use the toilet. However, you guys seem ashamed of the t-word. Hence you go to the John (where no-one called John is there) and the bathroom (where there is no bath). ...And a word of warning for English chaps in the US - never admit to eating baked beans out of the can.
30) Beer. What you call beer, we call lager. What we call beer, you call disgusting. This might be mutual.
31) Hard. In the UK, you might see an unshaven tattooed uncouth man with big muscles in a pub. If you accidentally spill his beer, he might get upset and request you to join him outside. He might say `Come on then if you think you're hard enough!' Or even 'I'm hard, me, so you better watch your step, mate.' He is not casting aspersions on your sexual persuasion, nor does he have an erection. He is merely stating the fact that unless you buy him another pint of lager in the very immediate future he might beat seven shades of shit out of you. In the US, our friend the male actor would probably say 'I'm hard' while sharing a bottle of woody flavoured chardonnay with his co-star...
32) Flummoxed? Our US chums will be if you use this word. It means to be confused. The typical reaction of the average Brit upon arriving in the US. Then again you might be 'hit for six' (i.e. upset to the point of falling over) by it all. Which just isn't cricket, eh chaps?
33) Roundabout. Imagine you are travelling in the UK along the M3 into Basingstoke (why I can't imagine - it's a God forsaken place.) You have already worked out that a motorway is the same as a freeway and you are feeling pretty pleased with yourself. In front of you is the biggest rotary you have ever seen. In the UK, we call them roundabouts. To
instil a morbid fear of these things in our children we force them to play on
miniature versions of them in playgrounds (wooden disk that turns around with bars to hold onto) and make them watch endless re-runs of the Magic Roundabout. This program was originally a French satire on politics in the late 1960s though it looks just like a animated kiddies show made by someone on SERIOUS acid. Sugar cube eating dogs indeed.
34) Cookies. You eat these with milk and with great self control you only eat two at a time (you don't? naughty!). We call them biscuits. You call biscuits those dry crackery things that might go in soup (or at least in the part of the US I went to).
35) Stuffed. To be full up after eating too many cookies. Also 'Get Stuffed' a cookery program for insomniac students and people on a low income, where you are told how to make fancy versions of beans on toast using everyday ingredients like baked beans, bread, butter and curry powder. The recipies are invariably called things like 'Currybeanytoasty-yum-yum-a-go-go'. As well, 'get stuffed' is something you say to someone who isn't your best mate.
36) Randy. In the US a perfectly reasonable first name. Pity then, the multitude of poor Americans given this unfortunate appellation when they come over to old Blighty. Wherever they go, grimy street urchins snigger, little old ladies try desperately to stifle guffaws and ordinarily quite sensible members of society burst out in laughter. And why? In the UK, saying 'Hi, I'm Randy!' is akin to saying to our American cousins 'Hello friend, I'm feeling horny.'
37) Aluminium. Over here we say 'al-u-min-i-um'. You say 'aloom-i-num'. Neither nation can spell the word.... (Aluminiumiumium?)
38) Kip. In the UK to have a sleep or a nap. A kip house is apparently a brothel. Being young and innocent I was unaware of this...
39) English Swear Words. Our chums across the Atlantic should be warned about the following. If some English bloke comes up to you and uses one or more of them when addressing you, please be careful. He may not be friendly...
i) Wanker. A charming little word that implies that the addresser is accusing the addressee of onanism. Usually accompanied by the coital f-word and the oedipal compound-noun. The addresser may also raise his right hand and portray a chillingly accurate portrayal of the act in question...
ii) Bollocks. The round male dangly bits. Also, saying 'the dog's bollocks' is akin to stating 'this is the shit' in the US. Not to be confused in agricultural circles with 'bullocks' which are bull shaped and go 'moo!'.
iii) Nancy boy. A male who may express either a sexual preference for his own gender or acts in a less than masculine way.
iv) Spanner. Not only a component of every good mechanic's toolbox (see below) but also someone not overly blessed with intelligence or savoir faire. A geek, nerd, dork or a dweeb in other words.
v) Tosser. See 'wanker' and then use your imagination... Also tosspot.
vi) Slag. A woman of uncertain worth and reliability. Also used in English 1970s police shows (e.g. The Sweeney) when describing a notorious criminal. (e.g. Dosser Jenkins? That slaaaaag!). Originally used to describe a by-product of the (now sadly nearly defunct) coal mining industry.
vii) Wanger. Many a Saturday night I have heard this word being shouted by rival groups of young men at each other. The dulcit cries of 'Oi Wanger!!' have disturbed the peace of many a town centre. It is a word used to either describe a penis or an attempt by the alcoholically challenged to say 'wanker'.
viii) Plonker. Another willy euphemism. Immortalised in the TV program 'Only Fools and Horses', starring David Jason & Nicholas Lyndhurst - 'You plonker Rodney!'.
ix) Naff off. Go away. As used by the Princess Royal, Princess Anne. For a while she was known as the 'Naff Off Princess' in the tabloid press.
x) Wazzock - a fool or idiot. Strange fact: British males often use wanker, bastard, tosser, plonker etc as terms of endearment.
40) Cars. In the UK, only the luxury car market have automatic transmission - in other words the Jaguars, Rolls Royces and Bentleys of the world. Most cars have manual transmission. This is because our roads aren't straight. As a consequence all learner drivers have to learn how to drive using a car with manual gears. I was told that in the States this is referred to as 'learning how to drive stick.' In the UK, asking your driving instructor whether he could teach you how to drive stick may cause potential embarrassment...
41) Blowjob. Blowjob, although a word in common use now in both our countries was referred to as 'Plating' before the GIs came over during WWII. Hence the calling card of Cynthia Plaster-Caster, the woman who made plaster casts of the erect willies of Jimi Hendrix and the Dave Clark Five, amongst others, had 'Your plater or mine?' on her calling cards...
42) Jelly & Jam. In the UK, jelly is either the stuff you US-types call jello or a seedless preserve made from fruit, sugar and pectin. To confuse things further, fruit preserves are generically called jam over here too. Hence, if you were in an English restaurant enjoying a piece of bread with peanut butter and fruit preserve on it you would be eating 'a peanut butter and jam sandwich.'
43) Stones. To you big rock things that geologists play with. To us also a unit of weight. 1 stone is equal to 14 pounds. Also, English pints show remarkable value for money compared to their US
counterparts - 567ml compared to 430ml. Good thing to know when ordering beer.
44) Cheeky. In the UK to say someone is 'cheeky' is to imply that they are suggestively rude. Much beloved of the 'Carry On' Movies which starred Barbara
Windsor and Sid James. Typical dialogue...
SJ: You don't get many of those to the pound! (Referring to BW's ample cleavage)
*BW:* Ooohhh! Cheeky!
*SJ:* Phoooarrr! I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers!
*BW:* Ooohhh! You are awful! (for a bit of variety...)
*SJ:* Loveliest pair of ...eyes I ever saw!
*BW:* Ooohhh! Cheeky!
45) Khaki. In the UK a light beige colour. In US khaki can also be green when referring to army fatigues which are generically known as 'khaki'.
46) Knickers. A similar problem to 'pants' (cv). In the US they are knee-length trousers like what the Brits call 'breeches'. In the UK, they are the things that go underneath. Typically British men wear pants under their trousers and women wear knickers.
47) Wellies. In the UK a type of waterproof rubberised boot named after that Great Englishman, the Duke Of Wellington. You guys in the US would call them 'gumboots' or 'galoshes'. In the UK wellies are much beloved of Tory MPs with large country estates and farmer-types with sheep, particularly the 'Hunter' welly with the handy straps on the side.
48) Warm clothing. In the UK we wear warm woolly upper garments during the winter which we call 'jumpers'. You call them 'sweaters'. Boring but true. Also a long woolly dress is called a 'jumper' in the US.
49) Spanner. You see that long metal object in your tool kit that you use to adjust bolts on your car? We call that a spanner, not a wrench.
50) Slash. In the US a line denoting a separation on the written page or on a computer, or even a rip or tear in a piece of material. In the UK also a
euphemism for a wee, a jimmy riddle or urination.
51) Liberal. In the US someone who has enlightened and progressive views on abortion, welfare, health care, racial and sexual issues, and
sympathsises with the needs of those less fortunate than themselves. Or at least that's what they say. Republicans probably wouldn't agree with this statement... In the UK, someone is neither left wing nor right wing but somewhere in between. In both countries, 'liberal' can be used as an insult and a compliment.
52) Snogging. You know that thing you do when you are with your loved one when you tickle each others tonsils? In the UK that's called snogging. Much beloved of kids at school discos
in between swigging illicit bottles of vodka and Special Brew beer.
53) Git. An undesirable and miserable person. Between 'sod' and 'bastard' on the 'are you going to get your head kicked in?' scale.
54) Jock. In the US, big guys who like sport, women and acting macho. In the UK, a Scottish person who probably also likes sport, women and acting macho but in a Glaswegian (i.e. from Glasgow) accent.
55) Lemonade. In the US, non-fizzy fruit drink possibly made from lemons that we Brits call 'squash'. Our 'lemonade' is fizzy, akin to your pop or soda (depending on what part of the US you are from.)
56) Crossing the road. In the UK we love our cute fluffy and feathery friends. So much in fact that we name our road crossings after them. We have pedestrian walkways that have broad black & white stripes (like on the cover of 'Abbey Road' by the Beatles) which we call 'Zebra Crossings'. We also have crossings akin to yours with the 'walk/don't walk' signs on them which have a little red man standing still and a little green man walking. These are illuminated when you are supposed to stay where you are or walk respectively. For some inexplicable reason this is called a 'pelican crossing'. As for the little green man flashing...
57) Hotels. In the UK the floors in a hotel are numbered ground floor, first floor, second floor etc. In
other words the first floor is the second floor, the second is the third and so on and so on.
58) Waste disposal. In the UK our household waste is called 'rubbish' and is taken away by the dustmen or bin men in their dustcart. In the US you have two types of household waste - garbage and trash. Also, you see that piece of street furniture which you are supposed to put the packaging from your lunch? We call them bins; you call then trash cans.
59) Merchant Banker. On both sides of the Atlantic an honourable and decent profession. In the UK, cockney rhyming slang for an onanist (see 'wanker').
60) Buying a drink. Those establishments where you buy alcohol late at night where you are not allowed to drink it on the premises are called Off Licences (or Offies) in the UK and Liquor Stores in the US.
61) Please and sorry. In the UK, no sentence is complete with either or even both of these words. In the US, the former is said
begrudgingly and 'What's the name of your lawyer?' is said instead of the latter.
62) English. We speak English in the UK. So do you in the US. But yet we don't speak the same language...
63) Women's things. Pads = US. Towels = UK. Tampons = everywhere.
64) Crusty. In the US the state of a bread roll when it is freshly baked and smelling yummy. In the UK, as well as this, a person of possibly no real fixed abode who engages in an alternative lifestyle involving travelling around the country, wearing 'alternative' clothes (ex-army or hippie gear), having a pragmatic attitude to drugs and has possibly dubious personal hygiene.
65) Bum. In the UK, the definition of 'buns' (cv) describes more than adequately the biggest muscle in the body. In the US, a person whom we would call a tramp. Also the act of being a bum.
66) North/South divide. Ask anyone from the north of England where the North ends and the South begins, they might say 'Worksop' is the dividing line. Ask anyone from the south and they might say 'north of Oxfordshire' or even 'north of London'. These definitions differ by well over 100 hundred miles! In the north the people have cloth caps, whippets (racing dogs, not aerosol cans of whipped cream!), keep pigeons, speak in a funny way and drink bitter in grim working
men's clubs. In the south, the people are either country yokels who speak in a funny way, or people with loads of money who speak like the Queen or brash Cockneys who speak in funny way while engaged in dealings of a dubious nature and drinking lager. That is, if you believe the stereotypes as portrayed in the media.
67) Pardon. As I said before, being sorry is all part of being English. We apologise for things that aren't our fault again and again and again. I am convinced that the first word that an English baby learns to say after 'Mama' and 'Dada' is 'sorry'. Anyway, 'pardon me' is a polite way of excusing your way through a crowd or excusing yourself or if your bodily functions betray you in public. The US equivalent, 'excuse me' only seems to be used in a sarcastic way, i.e. 'Well excuuuuuse me!' while exchanging lawyers' telephone numbers.
68) Lorry. A UK truck.
69) Irony. Along with sarcasm, the basis of English humour. Totally lost on most of our American chums. Saying '...NOT!' is not sarcasm.
70) Easy. When an English girl says 'I'm easy' she is not saying 'Please sleep with me.' She is saying 'I don't mind what we do.'
71) Bonk. In a similar vein, to bonk someone in the UK is to enjoy sexual congress with them. It also means to hit someone, usually on the head. The two might be related if you like that sort of thing...
72) Rumpty. The latest word coined by the British Tabloid Press for fun stuff in the dark. Obviously they got bored with bonking...
73) Suspenders. In the UK those things that women hold their stocking up with. You call them garters. Anyway, what you call suspenders we call braces.
74) Aubergine. Frankly foul purple vegetable used in moussaka. You call them eggplants.
75) Dinky. In the US something that is small or poorly made. In the UK something small and cute. I'm not sure if you had Dinky Cars in the US, but these toy cars are now worth a fortune over here.
76) Table. Imagine you are in a boardroom. The chairperson (note dubious PC nomenclature) says 'I reckon we should table the motion about the McBigcorp account'. If you were American you would think 'Gee, I guess we can forget about that for a while' - i.e. the motion has been postponed. If you were English, you would think 'Jolly good show old bean!
77) Twat. In the US, calling someone a twat is unwise since you are accusing them of resembling a part of the female anatomy. In the UK, a mild insult meaning 'idiot' much beloved of school children who might get into trouble with naughtier words.
78) Swank. In both countries to be 'swanky' implies that you are showy and vulgar, or to say that something is 'swanky' could also mean that it is posh or expensive. Comic book characters (e.g. those in UK comics The Beano and Whizzer & Chips) are often seen going into the 'Hotel de Swank' after getting money for some good turn, where they promptly blow it all on a plate of mashed potato with sausages sticking out of it. I have never seen such a delicacy on offer in the hotels I have been in, much to my disappointment. Anyway, I have also been reliably informed that 'Swank' is also the name of a US DIY magazine populated by young women who have great difficulty keeping their clothes on or their legs together. They also wear high heels in bed. Weird. I have a theory about how the magazine got named. The editor was wandering around Soho, London (the red light district) one day when he heard a Londoner shout 'S' wank innit?' (It is a wank isn't it). Thinking, 'Aha - I'm au fait with English slang: hence 'Swank' would be a great name for a porno mag' he toddled off back to the US
and created said magazine. Unfortunately, in this context the Londoner was probably referring to his job being pointless...
79) Potty. In both countries 'potty' is that little plastic seat that kids are forced to use when they need to expel bodily waste when they are too big for nappies(UK) / diapers(US). Americans take the meaning of this word into adult life unchanged. English chaps use 'potty' to describe someone who is a bit silly, dolalley or, to be frank, mad.
80) Bloody. You guys might describe an item covered in blood as 'bloody'. So might we. 'Bloody' is also a mild English swear word which is always used in cheesy programs made by Americans about the UK. Hardly anyone over here uses it anymore. Similarly, the word 'bleeding'. We use 'fuck' just as much as you guys, the big difference being that we can use it on network television after 9pm in a non-gratuitous way, whereas you can only shout 'fuck' in the privacy of your own home. So there.
81) Grass. You can walk on it and you could smoke it (if it wasn't illegal). In the UK you can also do it as well. To grass on someone means to tell on them, usually to an authority figure like a policeman or a teacher. Someone who tells on a lot of people is known as a 'supergrass' - most often used when describing IRA informers who do the dirty on their Republican chums.
82) Policemen. UK policemen are generally unarmed. The following are used to describe policemen: bobbies, peelers, filth, cops, pigs, the old Bill (or the Bill), rozzers, coppers, a plod or perhaps 'bastards' if you are feeling lucky. Imagine you are a tea leaf (thief) and you spot a car in good nick (reasonable condition) so you decide to nick (steal) it. Along comes PC (Police Constable) Plod, puts his hand on your shoulder and says 'You're nicked mate!' even though he isn't your friend and he
probably isn't wielding a knife. This is your cue to say 'It's a fair cop! You got me banged to rights and make no mistake. You'll find the rest of the swag (illgotten gains) in the sack!' if you are stupid or 'I aint done nuffink copper!' if you aren't.
83) Crime and punishment. If you had 'been a naughty boy' and taken to court, you may find yourself confronted by a 'beak' (a magistrate), who might send you down for some time 'at her Majesty's Pleasure'. You would go to gaol (or jail), or 'nick' as it is sometimes confusingly called.
84) Banger. Three meanings in the UK: a sausage, an old car well past it's prime and a small firework that makes a loud noise.
85) Conk. A nose. Also conkers is a game were small children thread horsechest nuts to lengths of string and hit the nuts together. The first nut to break is the loser. A conker that beats many conkers is known as a 'bully', as in a 'bully-niner' is a conker that has beaten nine other conkers. It has probably been soaked in vinegar, baked in an oven or scooped out and filled with concrete. If such a conker hit you on the conk you would know all about it.
86) Soldiers. On both sides of the Atlantic, members of the military who run around shooting things while wearing khaki. Also in the UK, soldiers are pieces of buttered toast or bread that you dip in your soft boiled egg at breakfast. Yum!
87) Half inch. To you, half an inch or 1.27cm. To us, to borrow without asking first.
88) Cock. There are four obvious meanings that are common to both the English and the Americans. A willy (penis), a male bird, to ready a gun and to knock or place something off centre. In England there is a
fifth. If a person says 'Ello cock!' they are greeting you as a close personal friend. The first meaning may also apply if you are a *very*
close personal friend and the third may apply if the first makes it's unwanted presence known in an unsuitable situation...
89) Squash. To you a vegetable. To us a fruit drink similar to US lemonade. Also called 'cordial', though how friendly a bottle of orange squash can be is open to debate.
90) Mug. There are many meanings to this word, e.g. a vessel to contain your 'cuppa' (cup of tea). In the UK, a mug is a fool or an idiot and to mug up is to learn. In the US a mug is a thug or a hoodlum (sortened version of mugger I suppose). In
other words, you better mug up on how not to be a mug before you are mugged by a mug.
91) Drug slang. Vera Lynns (or Veras) - skins or tobacco papers (named after a WWII singer.) Mandies - Mandy Smiths (very young ex wife of ex Rolling Stone Bill Wyman) or spliffs. Billy Whizz - speed or amphetamine - named after a comic character who could run very fast. E - ecstacy or MDMA (methylenedioxymethamphetamine).
92) Mean. In the UK to be mean implies you are frugal to the point of being stingy. In the US you might be mean (i.e. aggressive) because of that English guy's inability to get his wallet out and buy you a beer.
93) Autumn. My favourite time of year when the leaves turn orange, red and yellow. You call it 'Fall'.
94) Candy. We call them sweets. Unless they are American confectionary, then we call them candy too.
95) Cutlery. The implements you eat with. You guys also call them flatware.
96) Sucker. In both countries a fool or a silly person. Also a piece of candy on the end of a stick that us Brits call a lollipop or a lolly. We also call money 'lolly' too to make things just that little bit more confusing...
97) Z. The twenty sixth letter of the alphabet. You call it 'Zee'; we call it 'Zed'.
98) Tire. When visiting the garage make sure you know the difference between a UK tire (band of metal placed around the rim of a wheel designed to strengthen it) and a US tire (pneumatic effort called a'tyre' in the UK).
99) 99. In the US purely the number before one hundred. In the UK a yummy variety of ice cream consisting of a scoop of vanilla soft-scoop ice cream in wafer cone with a chocolate flake stuck in it. The cone is specially designed to allow the melting ice cream to flow all over your hand before you get to eat it.
100) Centennial. Dull but apt. You call the period lasting a hundred years a
centenary
421-
How do you circumcise a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
422-
Issy and Shlomo have been running a Jewish goods shop in Kilburn, London for over 40 years but the neighbourhood was not what it was and the Jewish community was moving out.
One day, Shlomo says, "Issy, our customers are moving out. Ve haff to move to where they are going - to Golders Green or Hendon, if ve vant to survive."
"Ve can't do this," replies Issy, "dis neighbourhood iz our life. Ve've been here for foity-tree years. However, instead of moving, ve should tink about sellink Katolik articles as vell as Jewish vuns."
"Vut? Katolik tings?" says Shlomo, "Dat’s a meshuggeneh idea. Ve Jews can’t sell anytink Katolik."
But in the following week they only manage to sell one mezuzah and a Barmitzvah tallit and by Friday Shlomo comes round to Issy’s way of thinking - they will have to stock some Catholic articles. "OK Issy," he says, "You vin. Call de Katolik supplier in Cricklevood right now." So Issy rings them.
"Hello, is dis de Katolik Supply House?"
"Yes it is. How can we be of help, sir?"
"Dis is Issy of Issys and Shlomos in Kilburn. Ve vant 200 daily missals, 100 pictures of the Pope, all autographed please, and 200 of dem beads, vot dey called?"
"Rosaries, sir. Will there be anything else?"
"Yes, ve also vant some crosses, a gross will do for starters, and ve vant you to deliver all of dese things to us tomorrow morning."
"OK sir," comes the reply, "Let me read the list back to you to check that I’ve got your order right. You require a delivery tomorrow morning of 200 daily missals, 100 pictures of the Pope, each one to be personally signed by his holiness, 200 sets of Rosaries and 144 crucifixes. But about dese crucifixes – do you vant dem mit or mitout de Jesuses? Ve can do either. But tomorrow ve don't deliver. It's shabbos."
423-
You know your mother is Jewish when
She cries at your bris - because you’re not engaged already.
She shouts “Mazeltov.” - every time she hears some crockery break.
She does all her Pesach shopping for next Pesach as soon as Passover ends – because she can buy the essential items at sale prices.
She calls you many times a day before 10am - because she wants to ask you how your day is going.
She takes an extra suitcase with her on holiday – because where else can she put the hotel’s face cloths, soaps, shampoos, bath oils, shower hats and shoe shiners?
She cries at your Barmitzvah - because you’re not engaged already.
She goes to her doctor for every minor ailment – so she can show your photo to the young single doctors.
She won’t let you leave home without a coat and some advice on dating – because ‘mother knows best’.
She takes restaurant leftovers home with her - “I should throw away?”
She cries on your 21st birthday - because you’re not engaged already.
She’s serves you chopped liver every week - because just once, when you were young, you told her you loved chopped liver.
She makes an extra shabbos table setting – because you just might have met your beshert on the way over.
She gets mad with you if you buy jewellery at full price – because she knows someone who could have got it cheaper in Tel Aviv.
She encourages you to do whatever you want with your life - as long as it includes grandchildren.
She’s regularly heard muttering - “Is one grandchild too much to ask for?”
424-
An officer in the U.S. Naval reserve was attending a conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies.
The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak French?"
Without hesitating, an American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you would not have to speak German."
425-
"Kiwiese" - An Introductory Language Lesson
Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what they're saying, just by following these easy steps,you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander.
What you hear and What it really means:
A MEDGEN: Visualise, Conjure up mentally, John Lennon's first solo Album "Imagine" as it was a Bug Hut in the "Land of the Long White Cloud"
BETTING: "Betting Gloves" are worn by "Betsmen" in "Crucket"
BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the "Nick" and the "Billy"
BUGGER: As in "Mine is bugger then yours"
CHULLY BUN: "Chilly Bin" also known as an ESKY.
COME YOUSE: Controversial captain of the Australian Cricket team resigned tearfully in favour of Allan Border. "Come" insisted that all deliveries be overarm. Full Name: Kimberley John Hughes.
DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in Democracy.
ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like "Surria", "E-Jupp" & "Libernon"
EKKA DYMOCKS: University Staff
GUESS: Flammable vapour used in stoves
CHICK OUT CHUCKS: Supermarket point of sale operators.
SENDLES: Sandals, Thongs & open shoes.
COLOUR: Terminator; violent forecloser of human life.
CUSS: Kiss
DUCK HID: Term of abuse directed mainly at Males.
PHAR LAP: NZ's famous horse christened "Phillip" but was incorrectly written down as "Phar Lap" by an Australian (Racing official who was not well versed in KIWIESE)
DUNNESTY: US Television soap opera starred Joan Collins as "Elixirs Kerrungton"
ERROR ROUTE: Arnott's famous oval shaped "mulk error route buskets"
FITTER CHENEY: A type of long flat pasta, not to be confused with "Rugger Tony" or "Tell ya, Tilly".
Just to be fair here are some translations from English to the somewhat limited dialect of Australia known as "Ockerese"
Friend - Mate
Wife - Mate
Dog - Mate
Someone who's name you can't remember - Mate
Lunch - XXXX
A romantic dinner for 2 - A barbie
A romantic dinner for 200 - A barbie
426-
O'Sullivan was on trial for armed robbery. The jury came out and the foreman announced, "Not guilty."
"Wonderful," shouted the Irishman. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
427-
Paddy and Mick were approaching a Derry pub which had been destroyed by a Protestant bomb only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the
smouldering ruins and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held it for Mick to see.
"Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?"
"No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazin' resemblance, but Murphy was taller than that."
428-
Paddy decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that his friend Mick next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Mick," he said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Mick.
Paddy bought the ten rolls of paper, did the job, but had two rolls left over.
"Mick," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got two left over."
"Yes," said Mick. "So did I."
429-
What's the difference between yoghurt and Australians?
At least yoghurt starts with a little culture.
430-
There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut
431-
In a recent television show, John Cleese explained three reasons why the British are superior to Americans:
They speak English.
When they host a world championship they invite other countries.
Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.
432-
Two Irish country women went over to London and found work in a brewery bottling plant.
Prior to clocking on, they had a quick one. Then at break time, they had a couple more. The same at lunch time, followed by a quick shot of some-thing clear. Suddenly one of them collapses, and the Ambulance takes some time to arrive.
When the ambulance crew arrive, they find one of the two licking the other one out. "What do you think you're doing?" was the question, with the consequent answer
"I'm a-givin' her der kiss of life".
"But it's not done like that", the well-meaning woman was told.--
"You would, 'n all, if yer cud smell her fuckin' breath!".
433-
A new theme park
Forget Alton Towers and Disneyland, forget Spanish City and 'The New' Metroland, for Newcastle will have its very own international theme park to rival the very best if plans are accepted by the Toon Cooncil.
Plans were revealed this morning for a major new tourist attraction which will draw from one of Newcastle's cultural icons, the world famous Charva.
'Scrunchieland' is a proposed theme park to be built on the site of the Centre for Life, which will soon be bulldozed when people realise there's nothing in it actually worth seeing.
Gold Sovereign Ring Developments today announced that the £8 billion project will create loads of jobs, though it refused to comment on whether they would actually employ any real Charvas. The plans include a major rollercoaster ride, the Joyride, which will attempt to recreate the experience of speeding through a council estate in a stolen Astra, avoiding speed humps. The latest pyrotechnics will be used at the end of the ride to simulate being trapped in a burning car.
Other, more tame attractions will include a simulation of a night time journey on the number 1 bus from town to Scotswood. Realistic features of this ride will include a teenage charva couple discussing their unborn child whilst smoking tabs, whilst their first child sucks on a pasty. Artificial vomit will spray from a lifelike pissed charva mannequin which will then swear at you and piss itself.
Souvenir shops will sell 'gold' jewellery, sausage roll flavoured baby soothers, and a full range of cheap, grubby and mismatched sportswear as well as a Coke can fringe kit which will allow anyone to experience the feeling of having a fringe sprayed solid with cheap hairspray.
An on site hotel will cater for the international traveller with a number of specially themed rooms reflecting Toon culture, such as a mock up of a high rise in Elswick. The hotel bar will continue the theme, being a recreation of the pubs around the Grainger market, with creepy transvestite singers.
The Toon Cooncil refused to comment on the plans, although it is expected that they will give the plans the go ahead as they seem to let anyone build anything, anywhere. Construction will take between 5-10 years, during which every road and pavement in the immediate vicinity will be dug up and scaffolding will be erected everywhere for no obvious useful reason.
434-
There were two Irish guys working for the city works department.
One's job was to dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow, sighed, and said, "Well, normally, we’re a three man team, but Paddy who plants the trees is sick today."
435-
Australian Anthem
We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to flyover it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament.
Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning.
And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe.
Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk.
Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.
I am, you are, we are Australian!
P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!
436-
Southernisms
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
(Today's Southern Word comes from a school teacher in America's southern most state: Hawaii. As part of her class' study of the "War of Northern Aggression" (known to Yankees at the "Civil War"), she showed her class the movie Gettysburg. The students wondered why the Confederacy was fighting for their "rats." The answer, of course, is obvious: Southerners have very friendly rats ... in fact, you could almost say that we have some downright civil rats.)
LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
WARSH - verb. To clean.
SQUARSH - noun. A vegetable (also verb - to flatten).
Usage: "Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know where its been!"
437-
Issy was the proud co-owner of the local dry cleaners. One day, during dinner, whilst he was finishing his chicken soup, his 9year old son Sam asked, "Dad, what’s ethics?"
Issy thought for a while, put down his spoon, looked at Sam and replied, "Okay, let's suppose someone comes into my shop and gives me his business suit to dry clean. Then suppose I find a £20 note in his trouser pocket?"
Sam looked expectantly at his father.
"So," Issy said, "to answer your question, Sam, do I tell my partner I found the money? That's ethics".
438-
Two solicitors, Levy and Cohen, opened an office in Kilburn. As this was a gentile part of London, they decided to call their firm Christian and Christian in order to attract non-Jewish clients. But on their opening day, they forgot to tell their switchboard operator what to say. When anyone phoned in and asked for Mr Christian, she answered, "Which Christian do you want, Levy or Cohen?"
439-
Abe was a poor tailor whose shop was next door a 2star Michelin restaurant. Every day for lunch, Abe would eat his black bread and herring in the small garden at the back of his shop. He would always smell the wonderful odours emanating from the next door restaurant's kitchen.
One day, the restaurant sent Abe an invoice. Abe went to see the manager to ask why.
The manager replied, "You’re enjoying my food, so you should pay for it."
Abe refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the story.
They said, "Every day, this man comes and sits near our kitchen and visibly smells our food whilst eating his. We are obviously adding value to his cheap food and we deserve to be recompensed for it."
The judge then asked Abe, "And what do you have to say about that?"
Abe said nothing but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled around the coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What’s the meaning of that?"
Abe replied, "I am paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
440-
One morning, Shlomo and Sadie decided to go out for breakfast. The waitress at The Almond Tree told them that the special that morning was two eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns and toast for £3.99.
"That sounds good," said Sadie, "but I don't want the eggs."
"OK," said the waitress, but I will then have to charge you £4.50."
"Why," asked Shlomo, "it doesn’t make sense.
"Because you will then in effect be ordering a la carte," the waitress replied.
"Do you mean I'll have to pay for not taking the eggs?" Sadie asked.
"Yes, " replied the waitress.
"OK then, I'll take the special," says Sadie.
"How do you want your eggs done?" asked the waitress.
"Raw and in the shell," Sadie replied.
At the end of the meal, Sadie took the two eggs home.
441-
Q: What favourite nine-letter word is regularly used by Jewish grandmas when they have their grandchildren round for tea?
A: Eateateat
442-
Fay is wheeling her granddaughter in a pram when Rivkah stops her and says, "What a beautiful grandchild , Fay."
"Ach, Rivkah, this is nothing," says Fay, "you should see the photos."
443-
Police have found 19 pairs of suspicious looking shoes in Morecambe Bay.
They’re winklepickers
444-
Due to recent bad weather Morecambe Council has reviewed its sea defences and found chinks in the harbour wall.
445-
Police have released the name of the first Morecambe fatality.
It’s Fu King Deep
446-
Moshe and Sadie lived in a retirement home in Hendon and were celebrating their 50th anniversary. Although David, Henry and Alan, their 3 sons, had successful careers, they had been visiting their parents less and less over recent times. Nevertheless, the sons agreed to visit their parents at their home for a special Sunday dinner. As usual, they all arrived late and almost immediately their excuses began.
"Happy anniversary mum and dad," spurted David, "I'm sorry I'm late but I had an emergency at the hospital. You know how it is. So I didn’t even have time to stop to get you both a present."
"Don’t worry," said Moshe, "the main thing is, we're together, aren’t we?"
Henry then came over. "Hi dad, you're looking great. And wow, mum, don’t you look good also, you're looking just like a model. I just got in from Zurich where I closed the big deal I’d been working on for the last 6 months. So I came here straight from Heathrow and I’m sorry but I had no time to buy you both a gift. Next time, eh?"
"It's nothing," said Moshe, " the main thing is we're all together"
Then Alan came in and said, "Hi mum and dad. My firm is sending me to Paris for an important conference, so I’ll have to leave as soon as we’ve finished dinner. I’ve been so busy packing that I didn't have time to buy you anything."
Moshe sighed and replied, "I don't care as long as I have my 3 sons together."
Halfway through the meal, Moshe, in a reflective mood, said, "Now might be a good time to tell you all something that has been on your mother’s and my mind for years. Your mother and I, well, we came to England during the war. We had no money and were desperate and in our struggle to survive, I'm sorry to tell you that we never got around to getting married. We knew we loved each other and after a few years, it didn't seem so important, so…"
The 3 sons gasped, "Dad, do you mean.. do you mean.. we're bastards?"
"Yes,” replied Moshe, “that’s exactly what I do mean and cheap ones, too"
447-
The cockle pickers boss told them to stop working when the water got to knee high.
Unfortunately Nee Hi was sitting in the van having a cup of tea.......
448-
A guy walks into a Chinese restaurant in Morecambe and says "Seafood take-away for 19, please."
449-
Two sharks are swimming off Morecambe Bay.
One says, "Do you fancy some cockles?"
The other one says, "No, we have a Chinese coming."
450-
A new pub has opened at
Morecambe Bay.
It's called the Tides Inn.
451-
Q How do you confuse an Irishman ?
A Show him a room full of shovels and ask him to take his pick !!
452-
A true story. In
Atlanta on the first day of the hunting season some years ago.
The local TV news ran several stories about Georgia rednecks accidentally shooting each other as they mistook themselves for wildlife.....
Friendly fire. The American way of death.
453-
A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold.
But the husband couldn't find any work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..." Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the black man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack.
When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill and lands at his feet!
"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home, while the Black man yells at him.
Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make some nachos.
"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things" she inquires?
"No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message. As I ran home, I kept hearing Him yelling, "THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!"
454-
Q: What does a Jewish Princess make for lunch?
A: Reservations
455-
Benny is in a restaurant, calls over the waiter and asks, “Oy, do you have matzoh balls?”
“No,” replies the waiter, “I always walk like this.”
456-
Nathan and Leah Levy went on holiday to Switzerland. As soon as they arrived, Nathan told Leah that he would go skiing whilst she unpacked.
“Don’t worry about me,” he said, “I’ll be back within 2 hours.”
Three hours later, he still hadn’t returned and Leah was getting very worried. So she rang the Red Cross.
After four hours, a search party, with guides, dogs and army mountaineers, went out looking for Nathan.
As they climbed the slopes, they began calling out, “Mr Levy, Mr Levy, it’s the Red Cross. Where are you Mr Levy?”
When they got to the top of the glacier, they tried one more time, “Mr Levy, where are you? It’s the Red Cross.”
And then they heard a faint voice say, “It’s OK. I’ve given already.”
457-
Moishe was travelling back to London on an El Al flight from Tel Aviv and it was time for the main meal to be served.
"Would you like dinner?" an airhostess asked Moishe.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
458-
Naomi had only recently got married and was in Golders Green having a chat with her best friend Becky. Naomi says, "Tell me, Becky, I've forgotten the procedure. When one first gets married, how long should one wait before starting to point out to one's husband what disgusting habits his friends have?"
459-
Rivkah had been trying for some time to become a member of a very up-market ‘English’ golf club. Then her husband dies. So Rivah takes elocution lessons, goes to an etiquette class, has her nose altered and changes her surname to
Fythe-Smith. It works - she becomes a member.
Unfortunately, at her first golf club dinner, a waiter passing by her table spills a plate of soup over her. Shocked, and especially because she is wearing a rather splendid new gown, Rifka jumps up and shouts, “Oy
Vay.”
Then, looking around her, she quickly adds, “Whatever that means.”
460-
How do you spot a Chinese hooker in Morecambe ?
She's the one in the fishnets!
461-
An Irishman named O'Reilly went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Reilly in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for your, you have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order"
O'Reilly was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, O'Reilly said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Reilly's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
O'Reilly told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Reilly their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left,
O'Reilly's son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Reilly said, "That's cos I don't want any of them fuckers shagging your mother after I'm dead."
462-
Paddy goes into a builder’s yard and orders 25,000 bricks.
“What for?”, asks the foreman.
“For a barbecue”, says Paddy.
“You don’t need 25,000 bricks for a barbecue”, says the foreman.
“You do if you live on the 19th floor of a tower block”, says Paddy
463-
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."
"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
464-
How do you tell a queer Welshman?
He's the one with pink wellies.
465-
An Irishman arrived at JFK airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No" replied the Irishman: "I've lost me luggage" "How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!"
466-
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. "Bubba, where'd you get that truck?" "Bobbie Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied. "She gave it to ya? 'New she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck...?" "Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in middle of nowhere. Bobbie Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed off in the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said: 'Bubba, take whatever you want'. So I took the truck!" "Bubba, you're a smart man!. Her clothes woulda never fit
ya!"
467-
One night, Moshe and Sadie, both in their eighties, go to Blooms Restaurant. Moshe orders just one plate of salt beef, latkes and new green cucumbers. Then, when it arrives, he tucks into his favourite food. Sadie just sits there watching him enjoy himself.
Shlomo, sitting at a table nearby, notices that Sadie hasn’t got a meal. He then gets quite upset when, with plenty of food still left on his plate, Moshe puts down his knife and fork, removes his napkin and puts it on the table.
“How mean,” thought Shlomo, “the elderly lady is just sitting there without any food. Maybe they can’t afford two meals?”
So Shlomo goes over to Sadie and says, “I hope you won’t be offended but I see you don’t have anything to eat. Could I please treat you to a meal? It would really make me happy if you said yes.”
Sadie replies, “That’s very kind of you but there is no need to worry about me. My husband Moshe and I share everything 50/50 and now that he’s eaten his half, it will soon be my turn.”
“So what are you waiting for?” asks Shlomo.
“The teeth.”
468-
One day, Avrahom meets Hymie at Brent Cross shopping centre.
“Nice to see you again, Hymie.” he says.
“Nu, is this how my friend greets me?” says Hymie, “Aren’t you going to ask me how I am?”
“So how are you, Hymie?” Avrahom asks.
“Don’t ask.” replies Hymie.
469-
Max was crossing over Hendon Road one day when he was hit by a bus. He was immediately rushed to Hendon hospital and put in intensive care. A few day’s later, Harry, his best friend, visits him.
“So how are things, Max?” Harry asks.
“Not good. My wife Leah visits me three times a day.”
“So what’s bad about that?” says Harry.
“Every time she comes,” replies Max, “she sits at my bedside and reads to me.”
“What does she read?” asks Harry.
”My life insurance policy.”
470-
A professor at the University of North Carolina was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Billy Ray raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy Ray, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Billy Ray replied, "Shit! From way back thar I thought you said, "Goats!"
471-
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf as she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the back room to find a hinge.
From the back room, Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied "No, but I will for the teapot."
472-
LEARN YOUR STATE MOTTO
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Home of the headless drivers
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, (Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan: First Line Of Defence from The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars Hard At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto right here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To an Attorney.....
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: Home of Lake Erie and the Mistake By The Lake (Cleveland)
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Edjucashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D. C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Cheese Munching Packer Fans Enjoying the Two Weeks of Summer
Wyoming: Miles and miles of NOTHING since 1890
473-
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same
2. There are no dental records.
474-
Abe’s father is a widower and a multi-millionaire. He also has a terminal illness and is likely to pass away soon. Abe, a single man, decides he needs a woman with whom to enjoy his soon-to-received fortune and where better to find one than in a single’s bar.
With luck, on his first visit, Abe meets Rifka, a woman whose beauty literally takes his breath away.
"I'm just a standard kind of a nice guy," he says to her, "but in a week or two’s time my dear father is expected to die and I'll inherit over £20 million."
Rifka goes home with Abe and the following day becomes his stepmother.
475-
Sharon has reached the age of 18 and is regarded by many as, well, a stunner. One day, she goes to buy a new dress.
"Can I please try on that dress in the window?" she asks Benjamin, the boutique owner.
"Go ahead," Benjamin replies with a shrug, "maybe it'll attract some business."
476-
A researcher is doing a study on the sexual habits of trailer park denizens in Alabama. He finds one family with 12 kids,
and decides to ask the mother some questions.
"Ma'am," he asks, "Don't take this the wrong way, but do you know anything about contraceptives?"
"What the hell're yu a talkin' bout?" is her dumbfounded reply.
"Okay, well, for instance... what do you and your husband use when you're having sex? Do you use condoms? A diaphragm? IUD?"
"Nah," she replies. "We get along fine just a usin' my ol'man's dick!"
477-
Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
478-
If any of these describe you, you're a redneck!
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You go to your family reunion to meet women.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.
Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.
You were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown behind.
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
479-
Finnish Temperatures
+15°C This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here. People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves. The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.
+10°C The French are trying in vain to start their central heating. The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.
+5°C Italian cars won't start, The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.
0°C Distilled water freezes. The water in Vantaa river (near Helsinki) gets a little thicker.
-5°C People in California almost freeze to death. The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.
-10°C The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Finns start using long sleeves.
-20°C The Aussies flee from Mallorca. The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.
-30°C People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth. The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.
-40°C Paris start cracking in the cold. The Finns stand in line at the hotdog stands.
-50°C Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole. The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.
-60°C Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes. The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.
-70°C The false Santa moves south. The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu
(Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors. The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.
-183°C Microbes in food don't survive. The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.
-273°C ALL atom-based movement halts. The Finns start saying "Perkele, it's cold outside today."
-300°C Hell freezes over, Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.
480-
Jim Bob and Julie Sue were
redneck twins who couldn't find dates to the prom. So Julie Sue asked Jim Bob to go with her. Jim Bob
said, "No, you're my sister, that's gross."
Julie Sue said, "Come on. Promise me if you can't find another date, you'll take me." So Jim Bob said "Okay".
Well, Jim Bob couldn't find a date so he went with Julie Sue. They were just standing by the punch bowl,and Julie Sue asked
Jim Bob to dance. Jim Bob said, "No, you're my sister, that's gross."
Julie Sue said, "Come on. It'll be fun."
So Jim Bob said "Okay", and they had a great time.
After the dance, Julie Sue asked Jim Bob to take her to Makeout Hill. Jim Bob said, "No, you're my sister, It would be gross."
Julie Sue said, "We'll just talk, we don't talk anymore."
So Jim Bob said "Okay". They were at Makeout Hill talking, when Julie Sue moved to the backseat. Julie Sue said, "Come on, Jim Bob, take me."
Jim Bob didn't argue. When he moved on top of her, Julie Sue murmured, "You're a lot bigger than dad."
Jim Bob replied, "I know. Mom told me last night."
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