Ethnic
1-
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as
you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things
have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and
started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly
complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of
fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last
boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her mother is
improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex
is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied
because at least the English aren't getting laid either.
2-
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"
"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
3-
A Young Chinese couple got married. The new bride of course is still a virgin.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring, I know dis you firs time and you flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?"
"I wanna numma 69" she replies.
He looks at her very puzzled, "You wanna beef wit broccorri?"
4-
A big Aussie is walking down the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets a mate who says "G'day mate, you shearing?"
To which he replies, "Nah mate, gonna shag em both meself"
5-
Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm " Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the
fuckers have managed to nick a motorbike already.
6-
Paddy the Irishman saw a newspaper ad for a £10 river cruise.
So he went out to the jetty, where he saw a bloke with a baseball bat and a coil of rope.
"I'm here for the river cruise", Paddy said, handing him the ten quid
The bloke took the money then smacked Paddy over the ear with the bat.
Next thing Paddy knew, he was floating down the river tied to a log. Then he spotted his brother Mick, who was also tied to a log and floating downstream.
"Hey, Mick!" Paddy yelled. "Do they serve meals on this trip?"
"They didn't last year!" Mick yelled back.
7-
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander
steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot four and built like a brick shithouse. He has a huge red beard and despite
the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and a tweed shirt. At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely gorgeous, she's slim, shapely, with a fair complexion. A real heart stopper. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens his car door and drags him from the seat onto the road.
Right, yew" he shouts, "I want yew to masturbate",
"but…," stammers the driver,
"Now..., or I'll bloody kill yew"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this only
takes a few seconds.
"Right" says the highlander "Do it again!"
"but…," says the driver.
"Now!" yelled the irate highlander.
So the driver does it again.
"Right, do it again!" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, he
collapsed in a sweating gibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again!" says the highlander.
"I just can't anymore, you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside. "Aie right laddie" he says, "Now yew can gimme daughter a lift to Inverness".
8-
There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and a Pakistani driving along, when they rolled the car and the three of them got killed. They went to Heaven and met St Peter at the Pearly Gates. They explained that they'd been killed and needed a place to stay.
St Peter replied, "I'd love to help you boys but we're full up after the holiday season. I'm afraid you'll have to go into Limbo till there's a vacancy."
The Englishman slipped St Pete £50 and asked if that'd make any difference.
St Peter said, "For that mate, you can go back to Earth."
By the time the Englishman got back, there were police everywhere and an ambulance. They all got a real shock when he sat up.
"What happened? You've been dead for half and hour," asked the ambulance driver.
He told them about St Peter and the £50, so the ambulance driver asked why the other two didn't come back.
"Well," says the Englishman, "the Scotsman's trying to bargain him down to £20 and the Pakistani reckons the government should pay for it!"
9-
Q: Why do Jewish women only sleep with circumcised men?
A: They want 20% off everything!
10-
Q: What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy after luring him into his car?
A: Hey, go easy on those fucking sweets.
11-
Q: What did the Scottish paedophile say to the little boy after luring him into his car?
A: Would you like to buy a sweet little boy?
12-
Q: How can you tell when the Niggers have moved into your neighbourhood?
A: The Pakis get car insurance.
13-
"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye,.. that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
14-
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo".
15-
Q: What do you call a Welsh farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.
16-
Q: In the USA what's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
17-
Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10."
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"
"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."
Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"
Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."
With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"
Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"
18-
A scouser says to the prostitute "How much is it love?". She replies "25 quid" So the scouser says "Do it my way and
I'll give ya 35 quid" The tart replies "What ways that then scouse?" He replies " errrrr 50p a week"
19-
A plumber, an electrician, and a jewish accountant walk into a strip club.
The electrician calls over a blonde, licks a ten-dollar bill and slaps it on her left ass cheek.
The plumber licks a 20 and slaps it on her right ass cheek.
The accountant takes out his Visa card, swipes it down the crack of her ass, and grabs the 30 bucks.
20-
It was the final week of a round-the-world ocean cruise which had set out 6 months previously. On the deck, taking a stroll, a Japanese guy sees another Japanese man walking towards him. He stops in amazement and asks "How rong you been on board?"
"Since stalt of cluise" replies the other.
"How come we no see each other before?", asks the first one. "We been on ship neally 6 month!"
"Me no know" is the response
"Where you flom in Japan?" asks the first
"Okinawa", comes the reply
"Me too, me come flom Okinawa, what coincidence we both on same ship. Where in Okinawa you live?"
"Me flom Hassaka district"
"Me too,me flom Hassaka district, what coincidence, we both on same ship, both flom Hassaka district in Okinawa. Where you work in Ossaka?"
"Me work in sewage plocessing plant"
"Ah so. Me too work in sewage plocessing plant, what coincidence, we both on same ship, both flom Hassaka district in Okinawa and both work in sewage plocessing plant. How come we never meet before?"
"Don't know. Just like 2 nips that pass in the shite!"
21-
A girl from the South of the USA and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane going to California. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, asked, "So, where ya'll from?"
The snooty northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"
22-
Two boys were playing football in a municipal park near Old Trafford when one was attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who was walking by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Man United' fan saves friend from vicious animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But, I'm not a United' fan," the boy replied.
"Man City' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again.
"No, I'm not a City' fan either," the boy said.
"Then what are you?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Liverpool' fan." replied the boy.
The reporter turns to a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Scouse bastard kills family pet."
23-
Q: What do you say when you see your TV floating around your room in the dead of night?
A: "Drop it, nigger."
24-
An Arab, who was dying of thirst, was walking through the desert when he ran into a Jew selling neckties. "I need water!" the Arab cried, "Can you give me any?"
"Nope," said the Jew, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy one of my nice neckties. Here is one that would go well with that towel on your head."
"I don't want a tie. I want water."
"OK, don't buy a tie," answered the Jew. "And just to show you how generous I am, there is a restaurant four miles on the other side of that hill to the North, and they have water."
The Arab staggered away in the direction indicated, and came crawling back through the sand four hours later.
"So, couldn't you find the restaurant?" the Jew inquired.
"Oh, I found it all right," the Arab gasped, "but your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."
25-
Q: What is the authentic recipe for Caribbean ribs?
A: It starts out, "Steal two pounds of ribs..."
26-
An aristocratic English lady phones the local US army base in Surrey and requests that the colonel in charge sends 10 young men to her country house the following Saturday evening as she is holding a party for the cream of society but is a little short on male guests. To this request she adds “And please ensure that the soldiers are not Jewish as last time you sent a number of Jewish boys and quite frankly they’re not my cup of tea”
On the evening of the party she is getting rather anxious that the men are not going to turn up, but at the stroke of 7.00pm there is a terrific rumble as 10 massive Sherman tanks hurtle through the main gates, plough across the carefully manicured lawn and come to a screeching halt by the front door. The hatches open and 10 big buck niggers jump out of the Shermans.
“Oh there’s been a terrible mistake”, she cries out to the first man up the steps.
“No ma'am, Colonel Cohen don’t make mistakes”
27-
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to some of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.
Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off.
As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one. "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"
28-
'I called my son David,' said the Welshman, 'because he was born on St David's day.'
'Ay and I called my son Andrew,' added the Scot, 'because he was born on St Andrew's day.'
'Yes,' said Murphy. 'I did the same with my son Pancake!'
29-
There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Irishman sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.
The Englishman says to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"
"Well," says the Frenchman, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over her body. Then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives her wild."
Then the Frenchman says, "And what do you do to drive your wife wild?" To which the Englishman replies, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"
Then the pair turn to the Irishman and ask him what he does. "Naawww you don't want to know what I do" he says.
So they buy him a few more drinks and he loosens up a bit more, and again, they ask him what he does.
"Well..," he says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives her wild."
30-
At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Scouse bloke - 6ft 5 and 18 stone. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over towards the scouser he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"
At this the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool.
He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that, " he says, "just what did he say
to you?" "I'm not sure", the big Scouser replies, "something about getting a job"
31-
A young divorcee was sitting at a bar one night, when she noticed a young, attractive black man just a few stools away. She'd never seen for herself if the stories about black men were true, so she took the opportunity to buy the young stud a drink. One drink led to another, and those led to the couple going back to the divorcee's apartment. Once there, the woman stripped naked, climbed up in her bed, struck a sexy, come-hither pose, and whispered, "OK, you gorgeous piece of chocolate man. Show me what young black boys do best." So he beat her up and stole her stereo.
32-
Ferrari F1 team fires entire pit crew!
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some UK Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
33-
Glasgow Rangers are looking to sign some new players to help them next season, so they send chief scouts to Afghanistan to search for some new talent. Sure enough the scout finds an outstanding 18 year old striker and immediately signs him on a 3 year deal.
On getting back to Scotland, the manager takes one look at him in training and puts him straight in the 1st team to play Celtic.
The new lad is fantastic , he scores a hat trick and creates two more as Rangers win 5 - 0 . Ecstatic after the game the young lad phones his mum to tell her the good news . "Mum , I've just made my debut and had a great game . The team loves me , the fans love me even the press love me . Life is great" "Well" says his
mum, "I'm glad life is great for you . Shall I tell you what happened to us
today? Your Dad's been murdered in the street , your sister and I were raped and beaten in broad daylight and your
brother's
joined a vicious gang of killers" "Mum , I don't know what to say , I'm so so sorry" "Sorry , you're
fucking sorry it's your fucking fault we moved to Glasgow in the 1st place!!"
34-
I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Liverpool. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand center on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser.
35-
Irish Divorce
"Well, Mrs. O'connor, so you want a divorce? "The solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now we have a carport".
The solicitor tried again. "Well does the man beat you up?" he enquired.
"No no," said Mrs. O'connor looking puzzled. "Oim always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried again. "Well does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"
"Shure now he plays the flute but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out is what grounds you have."
"Bless ye sor. We live in a flat-not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'connor," said the solicitor in some exasperation, "To get a divorce you need a reason that the court can consider.What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah well now," said the lady. "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
36-
Australian Etiquette Handbook
GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.
DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with both your hands.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie's ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the pig's in sight.
2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. Don't burn rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.
5. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.
37-
Q: What's an Irish 7 course meal?
A: Six pints of Guinness and a potato.
38-
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.
A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"
And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."
39-
Paddy is walking down the Blackpool prom one day and he sees a mother breast feeding her baby boy. Paddy stops to speak to the mother "That's what I like to see natural breast-feeding, I was raised on that".
The young mother tells Paddy to clear off. Paddy continues "No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at me, tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby breast feeding takes me back to my childhood", he pauses...., "can I try breast feeding on the other breast".
The young mother says again "Get away with you Paddy". Paddy says convincingly "You've got plenty of breast milk for baby, and he doesn't need the other breast". The young mother looks and Paddy and thinks, well he is good looking, fit and lots of muscle, "Come over here Paddy and you can get on the other breast". Paddy being sucking on the other breast, after five minutes the young woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get aroused ,panting slightly, she lies back and whispers to Paddy "Paddy ..... is there anything else you want ?"
Paddy asks "err....have you got any Farleys Rusks"
40-
Letter to the editor: "Sir, if you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen I shall cease borrowing your newspaper.”
41-
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The Garda were called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continued in the court room until the Judge finally brought calm with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in the Court!"
The court room went silent and Paddy stood up and said, "Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The Judge agreed and asked Paddy to take the stand. Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge said, "Okay."
"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."
Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"
"Hurt?!" Paddy replied. "He broke three of my fingers!"
42-
Q. What does a Welshman call safe sex?
A. Marking the sheep that kick.
43-
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES
(USRSF). These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK
44-
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me...I'm me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
So the Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."
45-
An Englishman calls into a bar in Ballymena. “Excuse me”, he asks “Could you tell me the quickest way to Dublin?”
The bar owner asks, “Are you in a car or on foot”?
“In a car”, replies the Englishman
“That’s the quickest way”, says the bar owner.
46-
A Celtic fan is walking home from a match in his Celtic kit. He fancies a drink, walks into a bar and found himself surrounded by blue and white. He's walked into a Rangers' bar. A deadly silence falls over the pub. Then the barman clears his throat and says, "In here, we give Celtic fans a roll of the dice. "If you roll one to five, we kill you."
The Celtic fan replies, "What happens if I roll a six?"
"You get to roll again."
47-
Q : Whats a redneck's idea of foreplay ?
A : " Are you awake yet sis ? "
48-
Ten Liverpudlians arrive at the Pearly gates to be met by St Peter. “What are you doing here?”,he asks, “We’ve got no record for you. Just wait here while I check with the boss”.
So off he goes to check with God who tells himto go back and ask them how they died.
Two minutes later he reports back to God, “They’ve gone.”
“Gone?, all the Scousers?”, queries God.
“No, the gates”, replies Peter.
49-
What do you call a Scouser in a suit?
The accused.
50-
What do you call a Scouse woman in a white shell-suit?
The bride.
51-
What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?
A burglar.
52-
What’s the definition of aristocracy in Australia? Being able to trace lineage back to your father.
53-
Did you hear about the Jewish kamikaze pilot?
He kept crashing his plane into his uncle’s scrap metal yard
54-
Q: What do hillbillies do on Halloween?
A: pump-kin
55-
LIVERPOOL OLYMPIC BID
In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the organizers of Liverpool's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy of which has been leaked, and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited be a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city, wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the Stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc.)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or securicor style wages deliveryman.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown into the Mersey. The first three survivor’s back will decide the medals.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Liverpool Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing, and music by the Kirkby community choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished be someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium itself will the be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
56-
The Irish couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a sex manual.
"Honey, I want to perform oral sex with you like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"
She agreed. And an hour later, she returned, all excited.
"You should see the flavours they have!" she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana..."
"What did you get?" he interrupted.
"Tuna," she replied.
57-
In the beginning when God was creating the world, he was sitting on a Cloud telling his pal the Angel Gabriel what he planned for Scotland. "Gabby" he said. "Im going to give them soaring mountains, purple glens. High flying eagles, streams laden with salmon, golden fields of barley from which a whisky coloured nectar can be made, green lush spectacular golf courses, coal in the ground, oil under the sea, gas... "Hold on" said Gabriel "Are you not being over generous to these Scots. "NO" replied the Almighty "Wait till you see the neighbours
I'm going to give them.
58-
Q: What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?
A: Relative humidity.
59-
Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the piss. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot. Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police". Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried.
"What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" to which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy" whereupon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You fucking idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"
60-
Mick and Paddy, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Mick turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate, how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" Paddy says "Well Mick, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart" "Ah tat'd be grand" says Mick.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Mick stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Well Mick" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear" "Ah tat'd be grand" says Mick. Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Mick again stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah tis is serious, Mick " said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail offa my fookin pig.Ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Mick. Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Mick stormed into the house once more.
"Paddy" shouted Mick "Your fookin pig has chewed the fookin tail offa my fookin pig and now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and no fookin tails ! How the fook are we gonna fookin tell 'em apart? !"
"Ah fook it" says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one?"
61-
An Australian, an American and an Irishman are in a game show and the host says, can you complete the phrase "Old McDonald had a ..."
"Ranch!" yelled the American.
"No that is not right," said the host.
"Station!" yelled the Australian.
"No that is not right," said the host.
"Farm!" yelled the Irishman.
"Yes," said the host. "Now can you spell it?"
"E I E I O," said the Irishman.
62-
Prostitute goes up to a Scouser and says, "Do want a blow job?"
Scouser replies "Will it affect my dole money?
63-
A man and his fiancee decide to get married and spend their honeymoon in Jamaica. But before they depart, she asks him to get her name tattooed on his penis. With much hesitation, the man agrees. They go to a tattoo artist, who carefully prints WENDY in large letters on his erection. Once in Jamaica, they decide to hit a nude beach. In the mirror at their suite, he
realises that, in its flaccid state, the only letters visible on his unit are the W and the Y.
At the nude beach, he can't help but notice a Jamaican walking around in the buff with a W and Y visible on his limp member.
The newlywed stops the native and says, blushing, "Excuse me, but is your wife named Wendy also?"
The Jamacian looks him in the eyes, then looks down at his genitals and responds with a smile, "No, mine says WELCOME TO JAMAICA - HAVE A NICE DAY."
64-
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion.
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man really gets into fucking this guy's wife so he works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.
Stubborn to the end, the husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him, triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a fucking towel!"
65-
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is spot on. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Merc, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her
overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year".
The scouser said "You're bullshitting me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well, you fuckin' started it!"
66-
Getting Into the Olympics
An Englishman, an Australian and an Irishman were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
The Englishman gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "John Smith. England. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Smith. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The Australian grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Bruce Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the Irish guy is missing.
Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Paddy Doyle. Ireland. Fencing."
67-
After many years, a young Talmud student who had left the old country for America, returns to visit his family.
"But, where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mama," he replies, "in American, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?" Mama asks.
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food, you still eat?" asks Mama.
"Mama, in American, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me, are you still circumcised?"
68-
Q. What does a Polish groom give to his bride that's long and hard?
A. His surname
69-
You might be a redneck if you're at a party and the punchbowl flushes
70-
These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli, frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and, in fluent, impeccable Yiddish, asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "Where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they are both thinking.
After they pay the bill, they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans in so no one else will overhear him and says...."Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
71-
Hear about the Jewish detective?......... He had a tip off........ But it turned out to be circumstantial!
72-
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen is in Trouble:
10. Sometimes stays in bed til after 6 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou stinketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "trotting under the influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
73-
Two Irish men who worked together were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. The first was asked his
occupation.
"Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job, the clerk gave him £600.00 a week.
Asked his occupation, the second said, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labour, she gave him £300.00 a week.
When the second found what the first guy was getting he became furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers was unskilled and diesel fitters was skilled labour.
"What skill!" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says,"Yep, diesel fitter!"
74-
The agricultural section of Aberdeen University decided they would conduct a survey of farmers in Scotland and their sheep shagging habits.
They first travelled to the west coast of Scotland and asked a farmer there how he shagged his sheep.
"I take them from behind" he said. "I put on a pair of green wellies, put a back leg in each boot, and go for it doggy style" (or should that be sheepy style ?!).
Next the surveyor travelled to the Borders and spoke to another farmer, asking how he shagged his sheep.
"I take them from behind" he said. "I put on a pair of green wellies, put a back leg in each boot, and go for it doggy style".
The surveyor then travelled to the northern tip of Scotland to ask a farmer there how he shagged his sheep, and his reply was the same as the two previous farmers.
"I take them from behind" he said. "I put on a pair of green wellies, put a back leg in each boot, and go for it doggy style".
Finally the surveyor returned to the east coast, back to Aberdeen. He found a local farmer and asked him how he shagged his sheep.
"Well", he said, "I put on a pair of green wellies, put a back leg in each boot, drape a front leg over each shoulder, and take them from the front, missionary style".
At this the surveyor got quite excited. "That is amazing" he said, "you are the first person that I have met that shags sheep in this fashion".
"Really" said the farmer, "how does everyone else do it ?"
The surveyor then described to the farmer everyone else's method. "They take them from behind" he said. "They put on a pair of green wellies, put a back leg in each boot, and go for it doggy style".
The Aberdeen man was stunned at this revelation....
"What" he said, "No Kissing?!"
75-
Paddy, the Irish labourer goes to his doctor, "I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says, "Lean over the table."
After he does so, the doctor whacks him on his ass, with a baseball bat. A loud "CRACK!" is heard, and the doctor sends Paddy to the toilet.
After coming out of the toilet, Paddy says, "I feel great! What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping your arse with cement bags."
76-
Moishe sees his pal Rubin looking really upset.
"Oy, Rubin," he says. "Why are you so depressed?"
"Well," Rubin says, "about two months ago, my aunt passed away and left me £10,000."
"Aw, that's too bad, Rubin," his friend replied.
"Then last month, my father passed away and left me £20,000."
"Oy, two deaths in two months? That's terrible!"
"And this month... nothing."
77-
A New Zealander landed at Heathrow and was not feeling well, so the doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed him that he had altitude sickness, and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc!" the Kiwi said. "I'm gitting a sicund upiniun eh!"
The second English doctor gave the Kiwi the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly he refused the treatment.
He was devastated, but with only hours to go before the All Black opening game, he found an ex-pat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Mate, you hev eltitude suckniss, eh!"
"What’s the cure doc?" he asked hoping for a different answer.
"Will…" said the Kiwi Doctor, "Wi're going to hev to cut off your balls!"
"Phew! Thenk God for thet!" said the Kiwi. "Those pommy bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
78-
A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.
"My car has conked out." said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"
"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."
The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence. "Jeannie." shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared.
"Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality." The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal. The girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.
"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job.
Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.
"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality…" he roared. "Arch your back, woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor!"
79-
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I’m
still alive - at least, I don’t think I’m dead yet. I’ll be sure and tell
you when I am.I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We
don't live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that
most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to
send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for
their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has
a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I
haven't seen 'em since.
Now, about your father. He has a lovely job. He has five hundred people under
him. He is cutting the grass at the local cemetery. It’s in the dead centre of
town
Your sister, Mary, had a baby two days ago. I’m not sure yet whether
it’s a boy, girl or a child, so I don’t know if you’re an aunt or uncle.
It was a honeymoon baby. The wedding’s next month. When the baby was born it
was so ugly that the midwife slapped your sister and not the baby.
Last week, your uncle Seamus drowned in a vat of whisky in a Dublin brewery.
Some of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We
had his body cremated and it took three days to put the fire out. Still, it
helped keep the house warm, although the moany old bag next door complained
about the awful smell coming out of our chimney. As Seamus wasn’t due to
retire for another three months, we put his ashes in an egg-timer so he could
carry on working until the end and receive his full pension.
Last Thursday I went to the doctor. I
didn’t feel ill, but I thought I’d better go as he might have thought there
was something wrong if I didn’t. The doctor stuck a small glass tube in my
mouth and told me to keep it shut for ten minutes. Your father begged him to
sell it to him.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days
this time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a
little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off
and put them in the pockets.
Not much more news this time, write soon.
Love, Mum
P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.
80-
Old Moishe was lying on his deathbed and called out to his wife, “Ruth, are you there?”
“Yes Moishe, I’m here”, she replies.
“What about Benjamin, my eldest son, is he here?”, asks Moishe.
“Yes dad, I’m here”, replies Benjamin.
“And Rachel, my only daughter, is she here?”, asks Moishe.
“Yes dad, I’m here”, replies Rachel.
“What about Aaron, my other son”?, asks Moishe.
“Yes dad, I’m here. We’re all here”, replies Aaron.
Old Moishe struggles to get himself into a sitting position in the bed and with his last breath asks “Well who’s minding the shop”?
81-
As Armastice Day approached, a Manchester teacher decided it would be a good idea to have his pupils learn about what happened during World War 11. After a little research, he discovered that one of his neighbours was a fighter pilot for Norway. He asked the man to speak to the school, and the old pilot reluctantly agreed.
After starting slowly, the old flyer warmed to the task.
"Ja, I vas a Norvegian fighter pilot during de var. I remember one time, der I vas, flying along and I saw dis Fokker on my left. Den I saw another Fokker on my right, and suddenly der vas another Fokker above me."
By this time most of the pupils were giggling hilariously.
The teacher nervously interrupted "Perhaps I should point out that the Fokker Corporation made many of the planes that the German Luftwaffe flew during the war."
"Ja, das true," replied the pilot, "but dese Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
82-
Zack volunteered for military service during WWII. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola, skipping boot camp.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeros. Then, climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 10 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the Captain.
Saluting smartly, he said, "Well, Sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The Captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!!"
83-
Abraham and Isaac had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives.
Finally, Abraham invited Isaac to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door, then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my left, then my right elbow?"
"Surely you're not coming empty-handed, are you?"
84-
Irish Virginity Test
Paddy and Mick are discussing Paddy’s forthcoming wedding . . . "I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not," he said.
Mick says, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one of your balls red and the other blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
85-
Paddy buys a brand new pair of black, shiny wellies in time for the village dance. He’s so proud of these new wellies and is flashing them around the dance floor for all the girls to see.
When Annie asks him to dance with her he looks down and is amazed to see, on the tip of his wellies, the reflection of Annie’s panties. “Annie”, he says, “You’re wearing pink panties tonight” Annie is amazed and can’t figure out how he could possibly know.
Paddy, with his new found power, spends the rest of the evening dancing with all the girls and surprising them with his comments on the colour of their panties.
Come the last dance and Paddy hitches up with Sheena. After a few minutes of dancing Paddy says to Sheena “What colour panties are you wearing tonight?” Sheena replies that she’s not wearing any. “Thank goodness for that”, says Paddy, “I thought my new wellies had a crack in them”
86-
Paddy, who was only 4 foot 3 inches tall went to the doctor one day and complained that every time it rained his crotch hurt. The doctor wanted to know how long this had been going on, and Paddy said ever since he could remember.
The doctor told him to come back on a rainy day so he could check it out. Sure enough, the next day it rained and Paddy went back to the doctor.
He advised Paddy that he would have to give him a general anesthetic and examine him. He agreed and so the doctor put him under.
1 hour later Paddy woke up and to his amazement his crotch wasn't hurting.
He was astounded and asked the doctor what he did.
The doctor replied, "I cut 3 inches off your wellies".....
87-
Why is it that, at the Olympics, the white athletes win the shooting events and the black athletes the running events?
88-
Three strangers at a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Fort Worth for a stock show.
The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.
To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout radical Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine
table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.
Finally, The Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once, my people were many, now we are few".
The radical Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Cowboy shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet................."
89-
There's this Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman. They're all paraplegics confined to wheelchairs, wheeling themselves along the beachfront.
The Englishman needs a pee and wheels himself down a dark alley to do the deed. While in darkness, out pops a Genie who grants him one wish.
The next minute he comes sprinting out on his feet shouting "I can walk, I can run!!"
He explains his fortune to the others and the Scotsman goes in to try his luck.
The same result, out runs the Scot shouting "I can run, I can walk!"
The Irish guy reckons, "That’s for me too" and wheels himself off . A minute later Paddy comes wheeling himself at pace, back towards the other puzzled guys. He shouts "Hey ...check out my mag wheels..."
90-
Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause I was wonderin', think I could sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with?"
91-
Leroy, the main man, was around at one of his ho’s houses, where his seven month baby son was lying in his cot.
Leroy, goes over to checkout the little dude and is leaning over the cot when the baby says “Mother”
Leroy calls out, “Hey bitch, get this, he’s just said half a word”
92-
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Conner."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' ... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.
The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Conner."
"Well, uh I was thinkin.......perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Conner."
"Well, uh I was thinkin...perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Conner."
The young man knit his brow.
"Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
"Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
93-
A Scouser is driving through Liverpool with his dog in the passenger seat.
A police panda car follows him for about half a mile and then puts its siren and stop sign on, indicating him to pull over.
As the copper approaches the car he sees that the Scouser is slapping the dog’s head. He asks the driver to wind down his window and asks “Why are you hitting the dog?”
Replies the Scouser, “The bloody thing just ate my tax disc”.
94-
Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia.
He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little
black things out there?"
"They're buoys," said the Aussie.
"Boys!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"
"Holding up the shark nets," the Aussie told him.
"Great country this!" said the South African, deeply impressed.
"We'd never get away with that at home!"
95-
Paddy and Eileen are sixty-nining when Paddy says,
"Eileen, did you know that the Government spent 2 million on repairs to the President’s house last year?"
"Hell!" exclaims Beauty. "That's too much money."
"And, "says Paddy, "did you know that one rape occurs every ten minutes in Dublin?"
"Hell! " replies Eileen. "Paddy, you know everything."
"Eileen," says Paddy, "Did you know that Enya had an operation to make her tits bigger?"
"Really!" says Eileen. "But Paddy?" She asks, "Even though you know everything, why are you telling me all this while
we are having sex?
To which Paddy replies, " Remember last year, when you forgot to buy the toilet paper over the Christmas weekend, and we had to use newspaper?"
"Yes, I remember", says Eileen.
"Well," says Paddy, you still have page 16 of The Irish Times stuck to your arse."
96-
After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US
scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech
digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Liverpool Echo reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, council workmen have found absolutely nothing. The council has concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones due to cable theft problems."
97-
Hospitals right across Wales are getting ready for a birth explosion this coming Xmas and are already trying to recruit extra medical staff to cope.
"It's is a worrying side effect of foot and mouth, with the country side closed off and so many dead sheep our women are bound to be getting a bit more attention" said Glyn Lloyd Jones of South Glamorgan Health Trust.
The UFWWL (Ugly Fat Welsh Women's League) has reported that they are overjoyed with the situation and are campaigning for a stop to sheep farming in Wales for good.
"It's wonderful all the women in our village are getting some at the moment", said a 25 year old fat Welsh minger.
98-
Mick, Seamus and Paddy had been going to the Sons-of-Ireland hall meeting as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they didn't win a prize in the monthly draw. That is, until the last meeting.
Mick was the first one of the three to get his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles, and three pounds of Swedish meatballs.
Seamus had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Dublin, a nights stay at the Dew Drop Inn and a pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble. Seamus thought that he had died and gone to heaven.
Paddy was the last one to have his name drawn, he won a toilet brush.
At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how each other had fared for the past month. Mick said
" I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It was so good, and me missus didn't have to buy food for dem dere tree days."
Seamus said "Me missus was so happy when I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Dublin was nice, we got to ride da big coach, and you know, they got a built in privy on dat dere bus. And the Inger Triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey were sisters."
Then Mick turned to Paddy, and asked him how his prize worked out. Paddy looks at them both and says "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper."
99-
One boring afternoon, Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade when his telephone rang.
"Hello Mr Hussein," a heavily accented voice says "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replies "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moment's calculation "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub - That makes 8!"
Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word"
"Oh shit" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Right Mr
Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm"
Once more Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 16 thousand tanks, 2 thousand mine layers, 14 thousand armoured cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke"
"I'll be damned!" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough,Paddy rings again the next day. "Right Mr Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We've kitted out old Ted's crop sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Once more Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers and 20 thousand Mig 109
high manoeuvrability attack planes and my military complex is surrounded by laser
guided surface to air missile sites and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Oh bollocks" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back" Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right Mr Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war"
I'm very sorry to hear that" says Saddam "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy "We've all had a chat and there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war"
100-
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give £2.00 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the £2.00." As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business...
101-
Sheila and Mary were digging 'taters out in the field.
Mary digs up two large potatoes bigger than her fist.
"Good Lord! These remind me of Paddy's balls!"
"Really???" exclaimed Sheila. "You mean they're that BIG?"
"Naw. They're that dirty."
102-
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
103-
Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
104-
In the good ol' U.S. of A., buses will have a sign saying "Don't speak to the driver."
In Germany, the sign reads: "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."
In England: "You are graciously requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."
In Scotland: "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"
And in Italy: "Don't answer the driver."
105-
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what’s happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.
“Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector”, says the Coroner. The DI nods understandingly and is taken to the second dead man.
“Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” “Nothing unusual here”, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.
“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30,struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.
“Thought he was having his picture taken,” replies the coroner.
106-
Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and shouts, “G’Day, Sheila! What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, “G’Day, Bruce, ya got me pregnant and now I’m gonna kill myself.”
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
“Sheila, not only are you a great shag, but you’re a real sport too.”
107-
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SOUTH AFRICAN:
1. Being able to win the world cup rugby the first time you enter the competition.
2. Get to eat raw dried meat and call it a treat.
3. Stable and politically safe economy.
4. Thinking that Gays only live outside the country.
5. Having a flag which looks more like Joseph’s Technicolor dream coat
6. Having 11 official languages and only being able to speak one
7. Having an ex convict as your president.
8. Having one of the most honest postal services in the world.
9. Being able to charge tourists to visit areas of unrest
10. You can drive drunk
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experienced the joy of winning the world cup for the first time after drugging the opposition.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog’s legs.
4. If there’s a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people’s countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don’t have to bother with toilets, just crap in the street.
10. People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”.
10. You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth. When you’re not. At all.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:
1. Know your great-grand-dad was murdering scum that no civilised nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Being the world champs at Auzzi Rules football
10. Very well mannered and cultured
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh. Or Scottish.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend’s armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it’s the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bulls’ testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
1a. Dosai.
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potatoe.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Meat Boona.
10. Kingfisher lager.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
1. You’ve got to be having a laugh, haven’t you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can’t use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone’s road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can’t have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don’t agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP
10. REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3. a. You can legally kill yourself. b. You can legally be killed.
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your
capital.....
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national
tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've
never seen your neighbours.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the
Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
TOP 10.
REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your
country.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4. You are either a.like the Dutch, just less efficient b.like the French, just
less romantic c.like the Germans
5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they
make fun of you.
7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares.
9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders
10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?
TOP 10. REASONS
FOR BEING NORWEGIAN:
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24-hour ozone-hole
radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing –it’s fairly
spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar
bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.
TOP 10. REASONS FOR
BEING GREEK
1. You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture most
Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2. The police is even more corrupt than the criminals they are supposed to be
chasing.
3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the thumb and
forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around retching their stomach
contents up at the sight.
4. Old women can sport moustaches.
5. Young women can sport moustaches.
6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in a
zoo.
7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of the world
sees it as an instrument of torture.
8. You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to let
everyone else around the world know about it.
9. Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.
108-
There is an aircraft on route from the UK to the USA. 2 hours into the flight the captain gets on the PA and says: “ Excuse me Ladies and Gentlemen, there is a slight problem in that we cannot maintain our present altitude. I have jettisoned as much fuel as I possibly can and this has not had the desired
effect, I have therefore asked the first officer to go to the hold and discard all luggage in order to reduce the weight of the aircraft. And I will keep you informed of any other events”.
Five minutes go by and once again the captain is on the PA: “ Ladies and Gentlemen as you know all available fuel and luggage has been discarded from the aircraft in order to reduce the overall weight of the plane however we are still losing altitude it s therefore my sorry task to ask for volunteers to jump from the aircraft.
Another five minutes go by with no reply, once again the captain gets on the PA: “Well Ladies and Gentlemen so far we have had no volunteers so the only fair way is to do this on an alphabetical order”
The aircraft is now deathly quiet.
The captain says “ We will start with A are there any Africans on board?”
No reply
“OK then says the captain lets move to B are there any blacks on board?”
No reply
“OK then says the captain no A’s no B’s lets move onto C are there any Coon’s on Board”
At this moment a little boy turns to his dad and says “ dad I don’t understand we’re from Africa, and we’re black and we’re coons”
The dad turns to the boy and says “not today son, today we’re zulus”
109-
ANSWERS TO OFFICIAL IRISH SEX QUIZ
1.A Clitoris is a type of flower
2.A Pubic hare is a wild rabbit
3.A Vulva is a Swedish car
4.Spread eagle is an extinct bird
5.A Fallopian tube is part of a TV
6.It is dangerous to have a wet dream in an electric blanket
7.Vagina is a medical term for heart trouble
8.Fellatio is an Italian dagger
9.A menstrual cycle has three wheels
10.A G string is part of a violin
11.Anus is the Latin word for yearly
12.Semen is another word for sailors
13.Testicles are found on an octopus
14.Cunnilingus is a person who speaks 4 languages
15.Asphalt describes rectal trouble
16.Kotex is a radio station in Texas
17.Masturbate is used to catch big fish
18.Coitus is a musical instrument
19.Foetus is a character in Gunsmoke
20.An umbilical cord is part of a parachute
21.A condom is an apartment building
22.When you miss a period you can use a semi-colon
23. An orgasm is a
person who accompanies a church choir.
24. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
25. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
26. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
27. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
28. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
29. Pornography is the business of making records.
30. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
31. Douche is the French
word for "twelve".
110-
A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is
baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his mother and says "Look Momma.....I'm a white boy." His mother slaps him hard on the face and says "Boy go show your Daddy."
The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy ....I'm a white boy" His Father slaps him and says "Go and show your grandmother."
So the boy goes to see his grandma and says "Look Granny....I'm a white boy". She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says "Well, did you learn something from all this?". The boy shakes his head and says "I sure nuff did.....I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you blacks".
111-
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk
112-
This jobless Scouser goes into a job centre looking for work, and is told that he'll HAVE to take whatever job he picks at random from a bucket.
So he delves deep, and pulls out one that says "TURKEY WANKER REQUIRED".
He has no option, and goes to this nearby farm. He speaks to the farmer, who explains that the latest craze in Japan is for women to smear turkey spunk on their faces to prevent wrinkles. And the farmer says "It's simple....just hold the turkey under one arm, grab its penis with the other, shake for a while, and then collect it in this bucket."
The bloke is still unsure about the whole thing as he enters the turkey coop. There are thousands of them in there. He gazes around and about, and then suddenly, a turkey catches his eye and starts advancing towards him, going "Gobble gobble gobble".
And the Scouser says "No fucking way, a wank is all you're going to get."
113-
Senior Giant and student giant wandering around the planet,
Student giant says to senior giant,
"Don't you get fed up just aimlessly wandering around, up to your waist in cloud, no idea what's going on down below or even knowing where you are?
Senior giant replies,
No, it's alright. Anyway, I know where I am!
Student giant says
OK, where are we then?
Senior giant reaches down through the cloud with his right hand and replies,
"Egypt"
"How do you know that" replies the student giant?
Senior giant replies, "I can feel the pyramids".
Student giant thinks, "I'll catch him out later".
Later that day after much wandering the student says, "OK, where are we now then?
Once again the senior giant reaches down through the cloud with his right hand and after a few moments
says proudly, "Paris, France".
Student giant say's "how do you know that?
Senior giant replies, "Easy, I can feel the Eiffel Tower".
Student giant thinks to himself, "What a smart arse. I'll catch him though"
A short while later student giant says, "Come on then, where are we now?
Senior giant reaches down through the cloud with his left hand and after only a few seconds
says "Brixton, England"
Student giant says, How the hell do you know we are in Brixton?
Senior giant exclaims, "Some bastard knicked my watch!!"
114-
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Irish Joke...".
The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Irish, both bouncers are Irish and so are most of my customers"
"Okay" says the customer, "I'll tell it very slowly."
115-
At a family dinner party the Irish matriarch enquired of her eldest son's new girlfriend: "So, tell me, colleen, what's your occupation?" The girl hesitated for a moment, then said: "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute." Immediately the lad's mother fainted clean away, surrounded by family members who splashed her face with water to revive her. Finally, she regained consciousness and returned to her seat. Then later, when everyone calmed down and resumed the meal, the mother tried again: "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I heard you correctly.... what do you do for a living?" Again the girl answered: "Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute." Rising to her feet, the mother roared with laughter and said: "Feck, dearie, for a minute dere I tought you'd said you was a Protestant. Welcome to the family!"
116-
Two Irish men are walking along Kensington High Street when they see a sign.
Suits £15.00
shirts £2.00
trousers £2.50
One said to the other one "Look at that - we could buy a lot of that gear and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune,
When we go into the shop don't say anything let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us so i'll speak in my best English accent."
They go in and he orders, 50 suits at £15.00
100 shirts at £2.00 and
50 trousers at £2.50
The owner of the shop says "You're Irish aren't you " he says
"Oh bollocks.....Yes, how de hell did you know that ?",
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners !
117-
Aussie, Brit, American, Canadians
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they don't understand subtle humour.
118-
An Australian Moves to England
Jan 10th 5.00pm
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen.
The wife and I took our mulled wine and sat by the picture window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!
Jan 11th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I cleared both our driveway and footpath. Later a council snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it again.
Jan 12th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several branches on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-grey.
Jan 13th
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway - £145.00 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Jan 14th
Still cold. Sold wife's car and bought a 4 wheel drive in order to get her to work. Slid into a guard-rail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the rear quarter-panel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shovelling in store for me. That bloody snowplough came twice today.
Jan 15th
Two degrees outside. More fuckin' snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death, nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns to my hands and lost my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on way to casualty ward and was totalled.
Jan 16th
Fuck me. Fuckin' white shit keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fuckin' letterbox. If I ever catch the prick that drives the snowplough, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for our driveway to be shovelled again. Power still off. Toilet froze over and part of the roof has started to cave in.
Jan 17th
Fucking' hell, six more fuckin' inches of fuckin' snow and fuckin' sleet and fuckin' ice and god knows what other kind of white fuckin' shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin' snowplough arsehole with an ice-pick but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. Think I'm going snow blind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill -22 fuckin' degrees.
Jan 18th
I'm moving back to Australia.
119-
Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch.
The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and so they trade.
That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man.
The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded.
The father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you? Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, 'How longa you gonna be?'"
120-
A young girl falls in love with a man and brings him home. Her dad is horrified to see the young man wearing a Liverpool shirt. The bastard even has the gall to ask for her hand in marriage. Dad is polite enough, but manages to get round the question of consent, and after the Scouser fucks off, he tells his daughter that that man will never ever, marry her while there is breath in his body. Daughter bursts into tears and storms up to her room. The wailing coming from upstairs eventually gets to Dad's conscience and he goes upstairs. They have a deep and meaningful discussion and after many hours, Dad caves in and agrees to the marriage for the sake of family harmony and his daughter's future happiness. “There’s just one thing that you MUST promise me. I know what these Scouse bastards are all about. If EVER he asks you for sex the other way round, you must say no.”
Now the daughter is young, sweet and innocent and doesn't have a clue what Daddy is on about. Daddy doesn't want to explain right now, but promises that if the need ever arises, he will.
So the sweet young thing marries the Scouser, the ceremony and the reception pass off without incident, and the young pair go off to start their new life together. All is sweetness and roses for about six months until one day the young woman remembers the proviso to the marriage.
"Wayne" she says, "have you ever thought about having sex the other-way round?"
Her husband replies, "What, and fill the fucking house with kids?"
121-
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the United Nations. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a massive failure:
In Africa, they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China, they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East, they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In South America, they didn't know what 'please' meant.
And in the United States, they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!
122-
The first Jewish President calls his mother in Queens and invites her over for the weekend.
"I'd like to," she says, "but it's so much trouble... First, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Boulevard..."
"Mom!" he tells her, "I'm the President! You won't need a cab. I'll send a limo."
"That would be nice, but I'll still have to get my ticket at the airport...And try to get a seat on the plane... And I hate sitting in the middle..."
"Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One!"
"Yes, well, but when we land, I'll still have to carry my luggage through the airport... And try to find a cab... And you know what holiday crowds are like..."
"Mom! I'll have a helicopter pick you up! You'll go straight from the plane to my front lawn!"
"I don't know... I'd still need a hotel room. And hotels are so expensive... And they're not like they once were..."
"Ma! You'll stay at the White House!"
"Well..." She thinks. "I guess. All right," she sighs. "I'll come... just for you."
That afternoon, she's talking on the phone with one of her friends.
"What's new?" the friend asks.
"I'm visiting my son for the weekend. "
"The doctor?"
"No... the other one."
123-
There's an Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says: " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes!
The Scotsman says: "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as didn't even know she drank!"
With that the Irishman says: "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a
willy!"
124-
An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business.
Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police office asked, "Hey you -- what are you doing?"
"I gotta piss, man."
"You can't piss here. Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, whiz away."
The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers. "Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?"
"No. This is the American Embassy."
125-
After a night in the pub, two Irishmen coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!"
"Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?"
"No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"
126-
An Irish bloke goes to the doctor, "Dactor, it's me arse. I'd loik ya ta take a look, if ya would".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here"
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?."
"Well fur gadness sake take it out man," shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ye koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit amount. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
127-
"Liverpool is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved."
128-
Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen lived next door to each other for over 40 years, and over the years became loving friends. One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs. Cohen and said, "These houses are becoming to much for us, let's sell them and each move into a home for the aged.
Each went to a home of their respective religions, and were soon placed.
Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, and one day asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said, "So how do you like it here?"
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. She then said, "You know the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."
Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful. Tell me what you do."
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room, and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you Mrs. Murphy?"
She said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.
Mrs. Cohen said, "So what do you do?"
"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And then what do you do?"
Mrs. Murphy said, "Since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck.
129-
You have just received the "Irish Virus"!!! As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the trust system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive, then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your cooperation.
130-
God came down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "Rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
"Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested."
He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments? How much are they?"
"They're free."
"Good then, we'll take 10!"
131-
After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district.
On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet?
He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law.
But if he is, then which daughter did he marry?
They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband...which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.
What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs.
But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.
At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled passenger. But how is it that you know my name?"
"Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."
132-
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists... A Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming.
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought.
The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...
Me and Tim a huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down.
133-
Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children. One is an Englishman, one a Welshman and the other a Jamaican. They are all very nervous and pacing the floor.
All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other." The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy.
"And", said the doctor, "They have all had little boys." The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.
"However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them."
With that the Englishman raced past the doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant saying, "There's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!"
The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all the babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of Jamaican descent."
"True", said the Englishman, "but one of the other two is fucking Welsh and I'm not taking the risk."
134-
....Eminem's upcoming concert in Liverpool is to go ahead despite concerns about a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex , violence, crime and of course, dress sense. Eminem has said despite these shocking idiosyncrasies he is prepared to judge Scousers for himself.
135-
That Welsh couple finally worked out a solution to the eternal love triangle. They ate the sheep.
136-
A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases. In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills. "Excuse me, sir" he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get all this money?" "Well, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I went to New York, then I went to Chicago, then I went to San Francisco. I went into all the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say 'Give me a dollar for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles with my knife.'" "That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?" "Well, you know," said the old man, shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give..."
137-
A Kiwi farmer was counting his sheep: "205, 206, 207, hello darling, 209, 210...."
138-
A man decides to build a house. He wants it to be a long-standing structure so he hires a team of designers and workers. He hires a group of Germans to come up with all of the plans. He tells the Germans, "Do your best work and design me a four bedroom, 2.5 bath, Georgian house with a master bedroom with a veranda. After you design it, give the plans to the Polish guys. He then approaches a group of Polish workers and explains to them that he will pay them to build this house. He says, "You will get the plans from the Germans. Figure out how many men you need for the job and the Chinese guys will give you all of the materials. Finally he gathers a group of Chinese men and says, "Okay, you guys are in charge of the supplies."
3 months later he comes back to the site and there is absolutely nothing. framework, no foundation, not even a hole in the ground. He immediately goes to the Germans, "What the hell is the problem? Where is my house?" The Germans reply, "Sir, we finished the plans in a week and just like you said we gave them to the Polish workers. The man storms over to the Polish workers and demands to know where his building is. The Polish workers reply, "Sir, we got the plans from the Germans in due time and we have all the men set up and ready to build but we have no supplies" The architect extremely distraught at this point exclaims, "Where the hell are the Chinese guys?!" All of a sudden the Chinese men pop from behind the dumpster and yell,
"SUPPLIES!!"
139-
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue.
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue.
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET"
140-
A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.
"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"
"Only a little," she answered.
"How much?" he asked.
"Fifty dollars," she replied.
141-
There are two white South Africans and a black South African in jail discussing why they got locked up.
The first white South African begins by saying, "I got five years for assault. The judge said that I was very lucky because if it had been assault with intent to kill, I would have got ten years."
The second white South African begins his story. "I got ten years for robbery. The judge said that I was very lucky because if it was armed robbery, I would have got fifteen years."
It is now the black South Africans turn. "I got twenty five years for riding my bike with no lights on. The judge said that I was very lucky because if it had been dark at the time, I would have got life."
142-
Two Irishmen were wandering the streets of
Calcutta when an old woman walked by. "Hey, Paddy" one said, "I think that's Mother Teresa."
"Do you really think so?"
"I'm telling you."
They approached the woman and one asked, "Are you Mother Teresa?"
The old lady eyed them scornfully. "Fuck off, you Irish twats," she hissed, striding off.
"Bloody hell," Paddy said, watching her disappear into the crowd, "now we'll never know."
143-
Two Irish truck drivers arrive in front of a tunnel. The sign says MAXIMUM HEIGHT 3 METERS.
The first driver measures his truck and says, "Damn...3 .2 meters!"
The second one looks furtively around and says, "No police, anywhere. We can go!"
144-
How do you say, "What time is it?" in Brixton?
Gimmie yo mutha fucken watch!
145-
Why is aspirin white?
You want it to work don't ya?
146-
You go to a cockfight.
How do you know if an American is there?....... He's the one with a duck.
How do you know if an Irishman is there?.......He bet on the duck.
How do you know if the Mafia is there?....... The duck wins.
147-
Danny McGuire came home from work to find his lovely bride sitting in the living room still in her bath robe.
"Kate my wife" he says "what ever is the matter, yer still in yer robe."
"Ah Danny," says she, "tis poorly I'm feeling. I didn't know what to do so I called Doc McDonald. 'I'll need a specimen', he says and hung up. Danny, I don't know what a specimen is."
"Ah lass I don't know either, but if you high yerself up the stairs to Mrs. Murphy 'n' she'll be able to tell ye." Off goes Kate bounding up the stairs.
Soon Danny hears a horrible thump, bang and a hell of a crash. Opening his door, he sees Kate piled up at the bottom of the landing.
"Kate, what ever happened?"
"I tol' Mrs Murphy what the doc said and she told me to just piss in a bottle. So I told her to shit in her hat . . . and the fight was on.
148-
Sean was lyin' on his deathbed with his lifelong friend by his side.
"Paddy, me dear friend, ye remember that grand case o' scotch we won at poker when we were in the merchant marine these many years ago?"
"Aye, Sean, that I do. Some thirty years ago it was."
"Well, laddie, I never told ye, but I set one bottle aside, and I've kept it even to this day."
"Ah, Sean, heart of me heart, 'tis a fine thing ye've done!" Paddy's mouth was watering at the thought of having a last drink with his bosom buddy, a shot of magnificently aged whiskey.
With great difficulty, Sean raised himself up on one elbow, reached out and clutched Paddy by the lapel of his jacket and looked him straight in the eye. "Paddy, me own, would ye do me one last, dyin' favor, in the name of our true and lastin' friendship?"
Paddy returned his gaze with genuine affection. "Anything, Sean, ye know ye can count on me."
Sean relaxed and fell back into his bed. "When they lay me out in that pine box and they lower me down into the ground and they cover me over with sod, Paddy, me boy, will ye take that fine bottle of scotch and pull the cork, and pour the whiskey all over me grave?"
(pause as Paddy swallows)
"Aye, Sean, that I will ... But would ye mind if it passes through me kidneys first?"
149-
A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace.
There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny. Both managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.
"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident Dr. Eskin. "Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year business was good again, so the two charities each got a million dollars."
"So what?" shouted Benny.
"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives. They'll find me," smiled Dr. Eskin.
150-
What is the difference between a Jewish wife and a gentile wife?
A gentile wife says to her husband: Did you buy any Viagra?
A Jewish wife says to her husband: Did you buy Pfizer?
151-
An old Jewish gent was in an old folks home. Every weekend the kids would visit, and every week it was the same story, Gramps would whine and plead, "Get me outta here! I hate this place! They're all dying here and I can't take it anymore!"
Finally, his son spoke up, "Dad, you've been in every place in town, the only one left is the Catholic place on the east side. You'd hate it there."
"Get me in." said the old Jew.
The next weekend they went to visit.
The old man was smiling and happier than they'd seen him in years. "I love it here" he said. "They're always laughing and joking, everybody's happy, and everybody's got a nickname."
"A nickname?" the astonished son asked.
"Yeah, see that bald guy over there? Hasn't got a hair on his head and they call him Curly. And that guy there... must weigh 350 pounds and they call him Tiny. And me... who hasn't had sex in thirty years... they call me the fuckin' Jew!"
152-
Two Canadians are sitting around the house bored. One says to the other "Why don't we play 20 questions? I'll think of the first subject." He thinks for a few seconds and comes up with the subject "moose cock". He says, "Ask me the first question?"
The 2nd Canadian asks, "Is this something you can eat?"
The 1st thinks for a second and says "I guess you could eat it."
The 2nd Canadian asks, "Is it a moose cock?"
153-
Did you hear about the tragedy in Ireland? In Dublin's largest department store, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours.
154-
So one guy says to another guy, "Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day..." Right away, his friend interrupts him.....
"Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!"
So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."
155-
An elderly Mr. Steinberg and the widow Joyce Cohen were sitting in the lobby of a retirement home.
Mr. Steinberg, a widower himself, says to Joyce, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."
Joyce considers this for a moment and then, after digging through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
Mr. Steinberg says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"
Joyce says, "No, I want four times in the rocker."
156-
How can you tell if a girl is a redneck?
She can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time, and knows what to spit and what to swallow.
157-
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
158-
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen...
159-
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!
160-
And Moses looked upon the lord and said ... We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off our WHAT ?!
161-
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated. "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."
162-
What happened to the Irish
space rocket?
At five hundred feet, it ran out of peat.
163-
A woman wants the inside of her house painted, and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colours she wants. She says, "Now in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed, but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room, I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, And yells "Green side up!"
The woman is even more perplexed, but still she lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up!"
This is too much for the woman. So she asks, "Every time I tell you a colour, you write it down, but then you yell out the window Green Side Up. What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four Irishmen laying turf across the street."
164-
A girl from Alabama was rushing to get ready for church. She ran frantically throughout her house, tore through her closet, threw her clothes over her head and ran out the door to her car.
When she arrived at the church, she saw a man coming towards her.
"Tell me," she panted in her southern drawl, "is mass out?"
"Nope," the man replied, but yer hat's on crooked."
165-
Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond Cavan cowboys, Shay and Peadar. One day, the two were enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm. The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians, last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian.
They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Shay threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two blondes made their way down the ravine where Peadar pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.
Suddenly, Shay said, "Peadar, take a look at this."
Peadar replied, "Not now, I'm busy."
Shay tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."
Peadar said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."
But Shay was adamant. "Please, Peadar, take a look at this." So Peadar looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.
Peadar just shook his head and said, "Oh my God, we're going to be millionaires!"
166-
The professor in the Dublin School of Marketing was giving a lecture about branding and company slogans, and he decided to ask his students if they were familiar with them.
"Shane Nugent," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"
Shane answered the correct airline.
"Brenda Harney, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"
Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.
"Now Tony Maguire, tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"
And Tony answered, "Me Ma...."
167-
An Irish wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits, and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Paddy. "Paddy! Paddy!" she yelled. Paddy came running in. "Paddy, Oi've suctioned meself to the floor!"
"Ohhh,, bejasus!" Paddy cried and tried to pull her up. "You're just too heavy lass, Oi'll go across the road and get Murphy."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "Nope, Oi cannot do it," Murphy said, "let's try Plan B."
"Plan B?" asked Paddy, "What's Plan B?"
"Oi'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her."
"All roight," Paddy agreed, "while your doing that Oi'll stay here and play with her tits."
"Play with her tits?" Murphy said. "Why in the name of God would you be wanting to do that?"
"Well Oi figure if Oi can get her wet enough we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace."
168-
The Kingdom of Irish Sex
THE PREPARTION
Friday night is very much love night for the Irish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Irish aphrodisiac -12 pints of Guinness and some fish and chips - his mind set on one thing...Love!
Or as he says himself, "a ride."
His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with
gentle words of passion "Any chance of a ride then love?"
The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply "Would ye ever feck off!!!"
FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed.
This basically consists of the male casting off his slightly soiled Y-fronts provocatively at his wife, usually land skid mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant "Here we go, here we go, here we go."
Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher.
This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.
INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's ould willie winkie is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow
to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as "Ye useless bastard, ye" or possibly "It never happens to the milkman."
Oral sex is a great favourite of the Irish man. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like to put your teeth round dis?"
The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "Go on then," she says, "but don't disturb me."
DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Ah feck, I've shot me load."
If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps,
informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.
An imaginative lover, the Irishman, possibly having read that woman like to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite, arsehole."
The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word or two of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in?"
Given his level of sexual expertise the Irishman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This
takes form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, big boy!"
Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig. There's no one in the world performs
quite like the Irishman - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.
169-
Paddy is appearing on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.
Chris: "Paddy you've done very well so far. You've got £64,000 and one life line left - phone a friend. The next question will give you £125,000 if you get it right but, if you get it wrong, you'll will be out of the game and drop to £32,000. Are you ready?"
Paddy: "For sure Chris, I am."
Chris: "On the screen is a photo of a Manchester United player as a baby. Which Manchester United player is it? Now think about this carefully, Paddy, it's worth £125,000. You're only three questions away from one million pounds."
Paddy: "I think I know who it is... er, but I'm not 100% sure... no I'm sure it's Beckham, I'm sure it's Beckham... Can I phone a
friend, Chris, just to be sure?"
Chris: "Yes Paddy, who do you want to phone?"
Paddy: "I'll phone Murphy."
(ringing)
Murphy: "Hullo?"
Chris: "Hello Murphy, it's Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have Paddy O'Reilly here and he's doing really
well on £64,000 but needs your help to get to £125,000. This is a visual question, we're faxing you the photo now. Have you received it?"
Murphy: "Yes, Chris."
Chris: "The next voice you hear will be Paddy's. He'll explain the question and you'll have 30 seconds to answer. Fire away Paddy."
Paddy: "Hullo there, Murphy."
Murphy: "Hullo, Paddy."
Paddy: "Murphy, that photo is a baby picture of which Man United player. I'm sure it's Beckham, what do you think?"
Murphy: "It's never Beckham, it's obviously Barthez."
Paddy: "You think so, Murphy?"
Murphy: "I'm sure."
Paddy: "Thanks, Murphy."
(hangs up)
Chris: "Well, a difference of opinion there. Do you want to stick on £64,000 or play on for £125,000, Paddy?"
Paddy: "I want to play, I'm so sure it's Beckham I'm going to go with me first answer: Beckham."
Chris: "You're saying Beckham?"
Paddy: "I am."
Chris: "Are you confident?"
Paddy: "Yes... Fairly..."
Chris: "You have £64,000 and you saying Beckham. If you're right you go up to £125,000 and if you're wrong you walk away with
£32,000. Is Beckham your final answer?"
Paddy: "It is, Chris."
Chris: "Paddy............ I'm afraid it was wrong, sorry Paddy. Here is your cheque for £32,000. You've been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience, please put your hands together for Paddy!"
(applause...)
Paddy: "Before I go Chris, what was the correct answer? It's killing me."
Chris: "Rio Ferdinand."
170-
I went to Cardiff last week and had a run in with the Welsh Mafia; They made me an offer I couldn't understand...
171-
Polish man goes into an opticians...
Optician covers one eye up and says to the bloke...
"Can you read the top line ?"
Polish man says " Read it ! I know him "
172-
Yesterday, a friend was travelling on a Paris to London flight. A man of Arabic appearance got off the plane and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money.
He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered, "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to. Here is some advice for you. Stay away from Birmingham."
My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" she asked him.
"No...." he whispered back.... "It's a shithole."
173-
"Q: Did you hear about the Irish fox?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck."
174-
In the late 1960's it was decided to get rid of a Jewish member of the Polish politburo.
So he was sent to sell Polish cars to the Germans. Two weeks later, he returned with a signed contract.
Surprised by still eager to oust the Jew, they sent him off to the United States to sell Polish computers. A month later he comes home, signed contracts overfilling his briefcase.
Stunned, but now more determined than before, the politburo sends him off to the People's Republic of China to sell Polish rice. Months pass and the Poles are glad they haven't heard from him. Then one day, about six months after he left, he shows up for their regularly scheduled meeting, signed contract in hand.
"But ... how did you manage it?" they demand.
"It was tough" he acknowledged. "It took me six months to find another Jew."
175-
A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.
She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. And her father is a doctor.
She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is this wonderful girl's name?"
He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."
There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"
176-
An Englishman in New York stopped at a window in the middle of which stood one lone clock.
The Englishman went inside.
He-llo! he sang out.
From behind a curtain stepped a bearded man in a skullcap.
Would you please inspect this watch? - The Englishman worked at the strap. Tell me whether it needs...
Why are you asking me? asked the bearded one.
Aren't you a jeweller? -
No. I'm a moyl. -
A what? -
A moyl. I make circumcisions.
Good Lord! - exclaimed the Englishman. But why do you have a clock in your window?! -
Mister, - sighed the moyl, what would you put in the window? -
177-
A good, old American Jew felt the death is close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He called upon his sons and told them: " Take me quickly back to the United States."
The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!'
"Yes," answered the father, to die it's OK but to live here....!?"
178-
Two elderly Jewish ladies meet on a street corner.
"So Sadie, how are you I haven't seen you in years?"
"Marvelous, Rivkah, things couldn't be better! My son Harold is an Accountant making lots of money. My daughter Cynthia married a rich man, and both of my children have given me beautiful grandchildren and so much pleasure...but enough about my joys...so what's by you and your family?"
"Oy Sadie, don't ask! Me, I have such bad luck"
"Nu Rivkah, I'm so sorry to hear that; but what kind of bad luck?"
"It's my son Arnold. He revealed to us that he's gay."
"Oy, what a disaster!"
"I know, but we do have a consolation..."
"Vos for a consolation with a gay son?"
"Well, he's going with such a nice Jewish boy who's going to be a doctor!"
179-
A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school. His mother asked, "What is the part you will play, Saul?" Saul responded, "I shall play the Jewish husband," to which the mother replied, "Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!"
180-
It was two days before Chanukah and Mr. Feldman, quite downcast, was trudging home. "Where will I get money to buy presents for the holiday?" he asked himself sadly, thinking of his wife and children. On the way, he passed a church, in front of which was a sign:
One Hundred Dollars Cash To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today!
Here was the solution to Feldman's problem! He went in, joined, and was given the hundred dollars as the sign promised. That evening, at supper, he told his family how he had come by his sudden wealth. "And here's the hundred," he announced grandly, waving the money before them.
"Darling," said his wife, "you remember that coat you promised me three years ago? Well it's on sale at Macy's."
"How much is it?"
"Only fifty dollars, and it's worth at least eighty five."
Feldman peeled off five tens and gave them to her.
The son spoke up. "Pop, for a long time I've been saving up to buy one of those English bikes with ten gear shifts. I already have most of the money, but I need a little more."
"How much more?"
"Twenty five dollars."
Feldman handed over the money.
"Daddy," said his teen age daughter, "next week our school is having the most important dance of the whole year. If I don't have a new dress, I'll simply die."
"Don't die Sweetheart. How much is the dress?"
"Only twenty five dollars, Daddy dear."
Feldman handed over the remaining twenty five dollars, leaned back and grinned. "It never fails," he announced. "The minute we Gentiles have a little money, you Jews take it away from us!"
181-
One day ima gonna LA to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toliet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch!
Later, I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me
everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna my bed.
Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say, "Peace on you."
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy!
182-
Paddy walks into a post office to send a package to his wife. The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp." Paddy replies, "And will that make it lighter?!"
183-
Q: What is the technical term for an uncircumcised Jew who is older than 8-days old?
A: A girl.
184-
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
185-
Q. Why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?
A. They'd never let anyone finish a sentence!
186-
One day a Jewish Mother and her 8-year-old daughter were walking along the beach, just at the water's edge. Suddenly, a GIGANTIC wave flashed up on the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea.
"Oh, God," lamented the mother, turning her face toward heaven and shaking her fist. "This was my ONLY baby. I can't have more children. She is the love and joy of my life. I have cherished every day that she's been with me. Give her back to me, and I'll go to the synagogue every day for the rest of my life!!!!
Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed up and deposited the girl back on the sand.
The mother looked up to heaven and said, "Where’s her HAT!!!!"
187-
Three hunters are out on safari -- an American, a Britisher and an Israeli. They are captured by cannibals who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters the hunter they can have one last wish.
"What's your last request?" he asks the American.
"I'd like a steak," he replies.
So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve the American his steak.
"What do you want?" the cannibal chief asks the Brit.
"I'd like a have smoke on my pipe," which they let him do.
Then the chief asks the Israeli: "What's your last wish?"
"I want you to kick my rear end."
"Be serious," says the top cannibal.
"C'mon, you promised," says the Israeli.
"Oh, all right," says the chief, who delivers the requested kick. Whereupon, the Israeli pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few other cannibals while the rest run away.
The American and Brit are furious.
"Why didn't you do that in the first place, so we wouldn't have had to go through all this?" they demand.
Replies the Israeli: "What? Are you mad? The UN would have condemned me as the aggressor."
188-
Paddy was planning a train trip from Dublin to Cork. He called the travel agent weeks in advance specifying exactly where in the train he wanted to sit, and indicated quite clearly that he wanted his seat to face in the same direction that the train was traveling.
On the day of the trip, he arrived at the station well in advance of the departure time. All the arrangements were fine, except that his seat was facing in the wrong direction; opposite to the one that the train was traveling.
When he arrived in Cork, he called the travel agent, angrily complaining about the seat screw-up. After apologizing profusely, the agent asked him, "why didn't you ask the person who was sitting opposite you to switch seats?"
"I would have" was the reply, "except that the seat was empty."
189-
Paddy was pushing 25 and he'd never been out on a date. His priest calls on him one day and says, "Paddy When are you going to start courting?" Paddy blushes and explains that he grew up in a house full of brothers, and he's never even spoken to a girl anywhere near his age. He doesn't know what to say to girls. Besides, it would interrupt his farmwork. The priest puts a fatherly arm around him and tells him "Don't worry about your farm, there’s a dance in the village hall on Saturday night and you should go and meet some girls. And as for what to say, you can talk about her family, you can talk about what she likes, and if all else fails you can talk philosophy."
Paddy leaves the priest repeating under his breath, "Family, likes, philosophy. Family, likes, philosophy. Family, likes, philosophy." Finally, the day arrives and he goes out to his first dance.
His friends at the dance introduce him to a young girl and leave them at a table with a couple of drinks. They look at one another uncomfortably. Paddy realizes that he's going to have to say something, and the first thing on the priest’s list is family, so he blurts out, "Do you have any brothers?" "No." replies the girl, and silence reigns. Paddy thinks hard, and then comes up with, "Do you like football?" "No." is the immediate reply. Now Paddy is really at a loss. Ah yes! Philosophy! So
he leans forward, and very intently asks "If you had a brother, would he like football?"
190-
Two Jews were talking and one says to the other "What would you do if you won the Lottery?"
The other said "I'd give you half, you’re my best friend"
"What would you do if you had two houses?"
the other said "I'd give you a house you’re my best friend"
"What would you do if you had two cars?"
the other said "I'd give you a car, you’re my friend!!"
"What would you do if you had two chickens?"
the other said "Now fuckoff, you know I've got two chickens!!"
191-
A Jewish boy is going off to college, and his father says to him: "Look, we've never been a religious family, so I'm not expecting you to become suddenly religious. But promise me one thing: You won't marry a gentile."
The boy promises this and assures his father that he won't.
Sure enough, his senior year at school he falls in love with a non-Jewish girl. She loves him too, but he tells her he can't marry her because she's not Jewish.
"Don't worry," she says. "I'll convert."
After serious study, the girl converts. They marry and go off on their honeymoon in Monaco.
Four weeks later, back at home, Saturday morning at 8:00, the phone rings at their house. It's the boy's father. He's livid.
"You know the last Saturday of every month we go over the books at the office. Why aren't you here?"
"I can't come," the boy says. "My wife says it's forbidden. It's Saturday. We're heading off to the synagogue"
"I told you not to marry a gentile," the father screams.
192-
Harry Abramovitz wanted to join the Greenvale Country Club, a club known never to have had a Jewish member. This deterred Harry not at all.
First, he went to court and had his name changed from Harry Moses Abramovitz to Howard Trevelyan Frobisher.
Then he flew to a plastic surgeon in Switzerland, who transformed his Semitic profile into a Nordic one.
Then he hired a tutor from England to change his Hester Street accent to the mellifluous modality of Regent Street.
Then Harry worked his way into the graces of several members of the Greenvale Country Club...
Two years after launching upon his project, Howard Frobisher, neé Harry Abramovitz, appeared before the membership committee.
The chairman said, "Please state your name."
In plummy Oxonian accents, Harry said, "Howard Trevelyan Frobisher."
"And where were you educated, Mr. Frobisher?"
"The usual places: Eton...Oxford..."
The chairman beamed. "And what is your religious affiliation?"
"Gentile."
193-
At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our likely enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir, " asks the panicky officer, "do we have enough Jews?
194-
At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Delegate.
The Israeli Delegate began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you... When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content.
Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters of the pond. Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all
his clothes have been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes."
Yassar Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and screams, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time!!!"
"And with that in mind", said the Israeli Delegate, "let me begin my speech..."
195-
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3-Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.
4-Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.
5-Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
6-I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
7-Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
196-
Paddy owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Dublin, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself, and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.
As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady... she only spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke.
He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi.
She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park.
Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.
After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening.
It was quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
Paddy was dumbfounded, and to this day remarks to me that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
197-
The Italian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine.
The Scot says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have scotch
The Swede says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit.
The Russian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.
The German says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer.
The Greek says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo.
The
Mexican says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.
The Japanese says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake.
The Jew says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.
198-
With more and more papers being declassified, some light has just been shed on the real reason the Israelis won the Six-Day War.
It seems all the equipment was rented for only one week.
199-
How the web began
"And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her.
And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land."
And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so."
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "we need a name of a service that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"Whoopee!" said Abraham.
"No, YAHOO!" Dot Com said.
200-
Two Jewish mothers met for coffee.
"Well Mildred, how are the kids?"
"To tell you the truth, my Daniel has married a slut! She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Psha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."
"And Layla?"
"Ah! Layla has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening he takes her out to dinner at a nice smart restaurant."
201-
Shloyme Silberstein has become rich and wants to show off. So he orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive golf club with his new Cadillac. But unfortunately a sign at the door unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. So the driver wants to return, but not Shloyme!
Shloyme says: "Wait here for me."
His driver responds: "But don't you see the sign, they will kick you out immediately!"
Shloyme : "But I don't have to tell them I am Jewish." And he leaves for the gate.
So the driver waits... One hour... two hours... three hours... Indeed, finally after three and a half hours Shloyme is kicked out by two body-builder type guardsmen.
The driver asks: "What happened?"
Shloyme answers: "Everything was fine until we played hole number eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds.
I shouted: 'Oh, my God, what shall I do now?' And then the waters separated and everybody knew..."
202-
A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem.
The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"
The old Jew doesn't answer.
"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time is it?"
The old Jew still doesn't answer.
"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but i really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?"
The old Jew says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
203-
A lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a game. She is about to drive her first ball off the mat when she notices the man next to her.
"Pardon me, sir" she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction - back towards the golf shop."
"Oy! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm blind."
He then turned around and started hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asked the lady how he was doing.
"Not bad." she answered. "Most of your shots are straight and fairly long. Only a few of them are slicing."
"Tanks, again, Miss. " he replied. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings."
A few shots later, he inquired again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"
"Not at all," she replied.
"I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett?"
"You're quite presentable," she replied. "I don't think that should be a problem."
Smiling now, he exulted, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."
He was about to hit another ball when the girl interrupted him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asked.
"Vit gladness. All the help you got I vill take." he answered.
"Lose the Jewish accent." she replied. "You're Chinese."
204-
Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany. He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained.
"We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth."
The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"
Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.
The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"
"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."
205-
There was this petrol station in Donegal trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his friend Paddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his friend, Paddy "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".
Paddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
206-
Retiring to the American South? You'll need a dictionary.
The Atlanta School Board, seeing what Oakland had done to cash into the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington by labeling African American slang as the language "Ebonics", has decided to pursue some of the green themselves by designating Southern slang or "Hickbonics" as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Anyone proficient in the language woud be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:
HEIDE - noun. Greeting
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of the greeting above. Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - Noun. The state north of Florida. The capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - Noun. The state west of Jawjuh. Capital is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went thru Bammer an leff $20M in improvements."
MUNTS - Noun. A calendar division Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare (see below)"
BARE - Noun. An alcoholic beverage make from barley, hops and yeast.
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. (see "Arkansas native") Usage: "Dem Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin bolts. Usage: "I thank I leff my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch on far!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rize, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime".
RETARD - verb. To stop working. Usage: "My gampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - voun, verb. 1. A battle of combat. 2. To engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n ah'm gonna whup y'un."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....Must be from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen Usage. "He cain't breathe... give im sum ear."
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay way from the bob war fence!"
JEW HERE - Noun an verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence comp'ny?"
HAZE - contraction Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah, haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
SEED - Verb. Past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronounUsage: "I ain't never seed New York City.....view?"
GUMMIT - noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Dem gummit boys shore are ignert."
JOB FAIR TIME...........EMPLOYER TALK.............
207-
The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group of them got together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and asked for help on this matter. An American replied, "You must do something so the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect since we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do something world-famous." A German added," Yes, he's right. Why don't you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build, build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it."
With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They designed it and worked 6 months and finally completed it. They then went back to report it to the group. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected in the middle of the Sahara Desert. An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you have your reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect it."
The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the Japanese said, "Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a new one??? That is amazing!!" To which a Polish man replied, "Well, not exactly. When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it because there were all these Irish fishing off it."
208-
This Irishman got married, but he was too dumb to know what to do on his wedding night.
"For God's sake, Paddy," said his bride, "you take that thing you play with and you put it where I pee."
So he got up and threw his football in the sink.
209-
Two Jewish guys are talking and one says to the other, "Solly. After 35 years of marriage, last night my wife had her first ever orgasm!"
The other replies, "Jacob. What makes you so certain after all these years she had an orgasm?"
"Solly. She dropped the nail file!"
210-
Scotsman: "Put on yer coat, loov, I'm going to the pub."
Wife: "Are ye taking me out for a wee dram?"
Scotsman: "Don't be daft woman, I'm turning the heat off.
211-
Once there was an Irish attempt to climb Mount Everest.
The team got to 25,000 feet but they had to stop as they'd run out of scaffolding.
212-
In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is very hot, humid and the pubs are rough.
Anyway, this posh pommie (English) bloke is travelling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign that says there is a pub 18 miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat.
Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks in, dripping wet and heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.
So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of shit, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable.
He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head.
Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.
"What…. what is going on?" Stammers the poor pommie.
The huge Aussie responds "Get the hell out of the Ladies you dirty bastard."
213-
Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the
concept of irony.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and, like, talking
to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "great
weather eh?" and I thought "Wait a minute, no way is it great
weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans
to use irony himself in future.
"I'm, like, using it all the time." he said. "Last weekend I was
grilling steaks and I burned them to a crisp and I said "hey, great
weather".
214-
One night there is an Englishman who is walking home from a pub in Belfast. All
of the sudden, someone sneaks up behind him and puts a knife to his throat.
"What religion are you?", comes a voice.
The Englishman doesn't know what to say. If he says he's Catholic it may be a
someone from the Unionist side who's threatening him. If he says he's Protestant
it may be someone from the IRA.
After a pause he says, "I'm Jewish."
The guy with the knife thinks for a while and then says "I must be the
luckiest Palestinian in all Ireland."
215-
Noah was on the Ark and it had been floating around for weeks and weeks with no
sight of land. Noah's son came to him one morning and said
"Father, we have problem. Come beneath the decks and see."
So Noah went down and his son showed him a huge ever-increasing pile of dung
swept into one corner of the Ark.
"What should we do Father?"
"Give me a few days to think about it, Son" said Noah, and went back
to his room and pondered. A week passed and the pile was getting bigger and
bigger, so in desperation Noah prayed to God for an answer.
"Just throw it over the side" boomed a great voice.
Noah and his sons got to work at once with shovels and put it all into the
waters.
So this big pile of shit just lay there for years and years until one day
Captain Cook discovered it.
216-
Q: Why did the Redneck trade his wife for an outhouse?
A: Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better.
217-
Three Russian prison inmates were locked in the same cell; they soon began talking. "What are you here for?" asked one inmate of another. "They put me in for beating up some old Jew named Khaimovich," snarled one man. "And why are you here?" asked the second of the first. "For having defended some old Jew named Khaimovich in a fight," he replied. "And what were you arrested for?" the third inmate was asked. "For being Khaimovich," he sighed.
218-
Two Irish Farmers were at the local cafe having their weekly coffee. One farmer said, "I got a mule that has the fits. What did you do for your mule when he had the fits?"
The other farmer said, "I gave him a mixture of turpentine and kerosene."
The next week they met again in the usual booth. "That was real good advice you gave me", said the first farmer sarcastically. "I gave him the turpentine/kerosene mixture and it killed him."
The other farmer said, "Yeah, it killed mine, too."
219-
SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A COCKNEY BASTARD
1. You say 'mate' constantly.
2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £3.00 for a pint.
3. Anyone not from London is a 'wanker'.
4. Anyone from outside London and north of Watford is a 'Northern Wanker'.
5. You have no idea where the North is.
6. You see All Saints in the Bar Med (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
7. The countryside makes you nervous.
8. Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
9. American tourists no longer annoy you.
10. You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day".
11. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car.
12. You didn't realise that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.
SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A MANCHESTER TOSSER
1. You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad fer it', "Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.
2. You say 'mad fer it' when back in Manchester.
3. You think fisherman's hats are attractive.
4. You support Man City out of principle.
5. You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of it.
6. You think Londoners are 'soft southern wankers'... until they kick your head in at a footie match.
7. You get a freckle and consider yourself 'suntanned'
8. You deny that it rains all the time... as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
9. You won't pay more than 1.50 for a wrap of skag
10. People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is
SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A SCOUSE GIT
1. You have an urge to steal.
2. You think Brookside is a 'glamorous' soap.
3. You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'.
4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are.
5. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.
6. You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry cross the Mersey'.
7. You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour.
8. You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any more.
9. You think everyone's heard of Greg Pateras
10. You start thinking that Plymouth sounds nice.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG
1. You say 'pish' all the time.
2. You say 'aye' all the time.
3. You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's pish'.
4. You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of pish like'.
5. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.
6. You punch everybody you meet.
7. You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.
8. You are incomprehensible.
9. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from.
10. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words 'Edinburgh' or 'England'.
11. You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG
1. You say "I'm Grand" all the time.
2. You think of Guinness as if it is the sixth food group.
3. You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.
4. You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks good..
5. You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.
6. You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.
7. You say "That'd be grand" all the time.
8. You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan.
9. You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.
10. You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes
11. You say "Your man" all the time.
12. You say "Your woman" all the time.
13. You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the time.
14. You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for you by someone's mammy - at 30.
15. You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN CARDIFF TOO LONG
1. You are still there.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN ABERDEEN TOO LONG
1. All women, no matter how ugly, look attractive. So do sheepskin rugs....
2. Every heterosexual bloke is obviously a poof.
3. You wear your dull winter clothes all year round.
4. When you say "Fit" your either talking about your foot or asking "what?".
5. You have a new disease called "Chilli, Chips and Cheese Syndrome".
6. You glare aggressively at everyone on the street.
7. You own a Subaru Imprezza.
8. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing any word from the Oxford English Dictionary - emphasis on "English"
9. The world outside Aberdeen simply doesn't exist.
10. The world outside Aberdeen simply can't understand why you have a fetish about Furry Boots, since you keep asking "Furry Boots ye from?"
every time you meet someone who is not from Aberdeen.
11. A good night out is getting drunk with hundreds of blokes, having a fist fight with an ugly woman then snaffling a dodgy kebab on the way home.
220-
Citizens of New York or London are proud of telling people that they live in New York, however suppose you are living in one of the places mentioned below. Do you then also tell others "Yeah, I live in ____________.
1. Shafter (California, USA)
2. Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
3. Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
4. Bastard (Norway)
5. Twatt (Orkney, UK)
6. Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
7. Muff (Northern Ireland)
8. Wankie (Zimbabwe)
9. Climax (Colorado, USA)
10. Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
11. Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
12. Fukum (Yemen)
13. Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
14. Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
15 Turdo (Romania)
16. Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
17. Seymen (Turkey)
18. Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
19. Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
20. Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
21. Wanks River (Nicaragua)
22. Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
23. Fuku (Shensi, China)
24. Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
25. Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
26. Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
27. Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
28. Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
29. Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
30. Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
31. Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
32. Tittybong (Australia)
33. Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
34. Dikshit (India)
35. Wankener (India)
36. Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
221-
A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking
out etc. a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say: "Scottish"
The other signalled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said "Irish".
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say: "Glasgow"
Again the second replied in a weedy frail voice "Dublin".
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out.
Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say: "Jimmy"
Replied the other: "Paddy"
A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly: "Cancer".
Paddy responded: "Sagittarius".
222-
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Liverpool, Merseyside. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.
The Merseyside Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Stealin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues.
The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area.
Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.
223-
NEWSFLASH!
Reports are coming in that the Irish terrorists have this morning hijacked the Goodyear Airship.
According to eye witness accounts they have bounced off Canary Wharf three times in the last hour.
224-
NEWSFLASH!
The Kerry Branch of the Civil Defence are being praised for their initiative after last night breaking into the local dog pound and shooting dead four Afghans.
225-
NEWSFLASH!
Apparently the Irish army has surrounded a department store in Dublin.
They are acting on a tip-off that Bed Linen is on the second floor.
226-
A Brummie walks into an office for a job interview wearing a polyester shirt, some brightly coloured flairs and big boots. The interviewer says,
“All you need now is a kipper tie!'
So the brummie replies,
“That would be nice, two sugars please!'
227-
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a credible President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
228-
Ebonics: Quiz
A friend of mine has an 18 year old son named Leroy. He attends Oakland High School where they teach ebonics as a second language. Last week he was given an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence. This is what Leroy did.........
1. RECTUM...I had two cadillacs, but my ol'lady rectum both.
2. HOTEL...I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the hotel everybody.
3. ODYSSEY...I told my bro, you odyssey the jugs on this hoe.
4. STAIN...My mother-in-law axed if i was stain for dinner again.
5. SELDOM...My cousin gave me two tickets to the knicks game, so i seldom.
6. PENIS...I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis.
7. CATACOMB...Don King was at the fight the other night, man, somebody give that catacomb.
8. FORCLOSE...If i pay alimony this month, i'll have no money forclose.
9. UNDERMINE...There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment undermine.
10. TRIPOLI...I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't fine no tripoli.
11. DISAPPOINTMENT...My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the big house.
12. INCOME...I Just got in bed wit dee hoe and income my wife.
13. HONOR...At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who be honor first?
14. FORTIFY... I axed da hoe n da street how much? and she say fortify.
15. ISRAEL...Alonso tried to sell me a rolex, I said man, that looks fake. He said, no israel.
16. Dictate... My girlfriend say my dictate good.
17. Acoustic... When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool hall.
18. Iraq... When we got the poolhall, I tol' my uncle, "Iraq, you break. "
19. HORDE...My sister got into trouble because she horde around in school.
229-
Why did the Romans always build their roads straight?
So the Pakis couldn’t build cornershops.
230-
What is a Canadian?
A Canadian is someone who drinks Brazilian coffee from an English teacup and munches a French pastry while sitting on his Danish furniture having just come home from an Italian movie in his German car.
He picks up his Japanese pen and writes to his Member of Parliament to complain about the American take-over of the Canadian publishing business.
231-
Why do Americans talk so loud?
So they can hear themselves over their clothes.
232-
John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club. One evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.
Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."
When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."
His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in Church wi' me wife."
His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your toast."
The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with her husband.
He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize".
"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
233-
A bloke on his way home from work in Manchester comes to a dead halt in traffic on Deansgate, and thinks to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks: "Officer what's the hold up?"
The officer replies: "It's a Scouser, he's just so depressed about Liverpool losing an 11 point lead to Manchester United and the prospect of winning
fuck all after gobbing off all November and December, he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, his Everton mates are all laughing at him and he has never had a job, I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really?" says the executive "How much have you collected so far?".
"So far," replies the policeman "Only about thirty gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
234-
Washington, D.C. — A delegation of American high school students today demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead attack places they've actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country.
"Shouldn't we, as Americans, get to decide where wars are?" asked sophomore Kate Shermansky.
"People claim we don't know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but it's so not our fault," Josh Beldoni, a senior at Fischer High School in Los Angeles, told the Senate Armed Services Committee. "Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but we're supposed to know about places like Somalia and Massachusetts."
"Macedonia," corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin of Michigan.
"See?" said Beldoni.
Beldoni's frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.
"I totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to," said Amelia Nash, a junior at Clark High School in Orlando, Fla. "Can't we fight in, like, Italy? It's boot-shaped."
Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.
"OK, what about Arulco?" interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior at Bellevue High School in Wisconsin. "That's a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. I'm totally familiar with that place. She's a major threat."
"Jagged...?" said Levin.
"Alliance. It's a computer game."
"Well, no," Levin answered. "We can't attack a fictional country."
"Yeah right," Boone mumbled. "Like Grenada was real."
The students' testimony was supported by a cross-section of high school geography teachers, who urged the committee to help lay a solid foundation for America's young people by curtailing any intervention abroad.
"Since the anti-terror war began, most of my students can now point to Afghanistan on a map, which is fine, but those same kids still don't know the capitals of Nevada and Ohio," said Richard Gerber, who teaches at Rhymony High School in Atlanta. "I think we need to cut back on our activities overseas and take care of business at home, and if that means invading Tallahassee (Fla.) or Trenton (N.J.) so that students learn where they are, so be it."
"I've always wanted to stick it to Hartford (Conn.)," said Sen. Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island. "Oh shit, is my microphone on?"
The hearing adjourned after six hours. An estimated 2,000 more students were expected to hold a march in the nation's capital, but forgot which city it was in.
235-
Q: What's the difference between yoghurt and Australia?
A: Yoghurt has a real live culture
236-
Hollywood to make film of Munich Victory
Universal Pictures announced today they plan to make a film of the momentous football match that took place on Saturday 2nd September 2001. "Five-One" is the tentative title of what could be next year's big summer hit, depicting the American national soccer team's stunning victory over Germany.
Nicholas Cage heads an all star cast as the captain of the brave US Soccer team haunted by the trauma of losing in the 2000 World Cup final on penalties and the death of his wife in a riot caused by English football hooligans, and finds love in the arms of a female sports journalist played by Julia Roberts. Mel Gibson is the no-nonsense Swedish coach who leads them to glory, with Keanu Reeves, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon and Will Smith playing some of Cage's heroic team mates. Jeremy Irons is set to star as Sir Nigel Villiers-Smythe, the dastardly Englishman who coaches the German team and forces them to play with poisoned-tipped studs to try and cheat the heroic American team out of victory.
Director Steven Spielberg defended the film-makers' decision to focus on the American contribution to the victory over Germany and inaccurate and even imagined events in the story, saying, "Obviously we've had to take some artistic licence to make the story work on film, but I hope that what we produce will be true to the spirit of what happened on that famous night."
237-
Australian foreplay - "Brace yerself Sheila."
238-
Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China?
A: No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
239-
Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?" The foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty." "Why don't you wear them?" The foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didn't hear him!"
240-
An Irishman walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for
everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well, Murphy, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hm?"
The Irishman says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives. The Irishman comes back into the bar and says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheque!"
The Irishman looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of coins from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me too?"
241-
Two Irish guys walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does & the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van & drive until they are high up in the hill and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders & jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me."
=========== PART TWO==================
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider."
==========PART THREE=================
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin' hen gliding.."
242-
An Irish family is sitting in the living room. The wife turns to the husband and says "Let's send the kids out to P-L-A-Y so we can fuck.
243-
Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who studied for 5 days?
A: He was scheduled to take a urine test.
244-
Q: What does an Irish girl do after she sucks cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.
245-
Q: How do you stop the Irish cavalry?
A: Turn off the carousel.
246-
Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
247-
Did you hear about the Scotsman who got caught making nuisance telephone calls? He kept reversing the charges.
248-
A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty. "Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked. To which the barman replied "They're waiting for the Happy Hour"
249-
"It is now generally accepted that golf did not originate in Scotland. No Scotsman would invent a game in which it was possible to lose a ball."
250-
YOU KNOW YOURS IS A RED NECK CHURCH IF:
Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men want to know whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
Baptism is referred to as "Branding."
There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a new church septic tank.
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
The baptismal font is a galvanized wash tub.
The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob's Bar-B-Q, and are embroidered with his logo.
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
251-
In an airport, a drunken Russian started pestering a very short Japanese. "Let's go outside, I'll show you!" the Russian boasted.
They walked out, and when they came back, the Russian had a few bruises on his face.
"It was just a small Japanese thing," the Japanese said. "We call it dziu-do."
The Russian drank more vodka, and resumed pestering the Japanese. "Let's go, I'll show you!"
They walked out. In a few minutes they returned, and the Russian had a few more bruises on his face.
"This was just a small Japanese thing," the Japanese said smiling politely. "We call it karate."
The Russian drank more vodka and again approached the Japanese. "Just let's walk out, there I'll show you!"
They walked out. The passengers heard a thud. Then the Russian walked in and said, "It was just a small Japanese thing, the bumper from a Toyota."
252-
Paddy goes to an electrical store.
Do you have color TVs?
Yes.
All right. I'll take a green one.
253-
France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney, following last night's display that caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender.
Did you hear about the rifle for sale on E-Bay? "FOR SALE, French rifle, never fired, dropped once."
France wants more evidence [of Iraqi violations]. The last time France wanted more evidence, it rolled right through France with a German flag.
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!
Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.
Q: How can you recognize a French veteran?
A: Sunburned armpits.
Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: It gives them speedier reactions.
In 1966 upon being told that Charles De Gaulle had taken France out of NATO and that all U.S. Troops must be evacuated off of French soil President Lyndon Johnson told Secretary of State Dean Rusk: Ask him about the cemeteries Dean! So at end of the meeting Dean did ask
De Gaulle if his order to remove all U.S. troops from French soil also included the 60,000+ soldiers buried in France from World War I and World War II.
De Gaulle never answered.
You are the President of the United States. Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth forever.
France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas.
As the President, you must decide:
Do you stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live, or tape it and watch it in the morning?
Come on now. Give the French a break. After all they did win the French Revolutionary War ... but then again they were fighting the French.
254-
Let's speak Strine (How to take the piss out of the Australian accent)
Emma Chisset - not the name of the girl behind the counter, but an inquiry about the price of a certain object
Chair Congeal - two characters from a nursery rhyme that went up the hill for some water
Dingo - not a wild dog but a denial eg. Question: jegoda movies? Answer: nah dingo, stay dome.
Ammerchewer - non-professional
Cans - city in queensland or new zealand cricketer
Der booze - make one's first appearance
Horse piddle - place for the sick
Jewel - double, as in 'jewel identity'
Prelimery - for starters
Under a nidgeree cloud - unfit to play
Rool areas - where farming is carried out
255-
AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC
Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving
Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia (SatireWire.com?) After what witnesses
described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it
was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well
stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in
the middle of the North Atlantic.
"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime
Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House,
approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.
According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly
insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge
began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were
discussing Australia Day (Jan. 26) and the nation's general lack of respect from
abroad.
"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo
Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier
than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled
witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's
main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'
"Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.
By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land
mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central
Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake.
When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found
itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and
according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to
stay.
"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge
government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and
'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well,
we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore
us."
Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult.
"They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard
Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."
Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian
Crawl" are still shaking off the event.
"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii
governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly - they always seem friendly
- but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the
questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What
day is Australia Day?'"
"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we
aced the last one," Cayetano added.
Panama, however, was not so lucky.
"Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them
through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the
Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a
manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent
through."
When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia
"accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as
well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about
it.
By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe.
"We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian
army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war
on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."
Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and
European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's
withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a
two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands:
immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN
presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a
primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a
4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.
U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football
request "absurd."
256-
A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the Irish jokes we knew; boy what a feast!
Anyway, I ducked into the restroom to sprinkle the old porcelain.
While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm Irish and I don't like you telling all those Irish jokes!"
So I said, "Well, they're not against you, pal, just against anyone in Ireland."
"My mother is in Ireland!" He screams, and pulls out a razor.
Boy was I scared!
I was sure he would have killed me if he had found a place to plug it in!
257-
Q: What is the difference between a Scotsman and an Jew?
A: They will both sell you their grandmother!
Q: I fail to see the difference.
A: Yes, but the Scotsman will deliver!
258-
An Irishman and a Jew are having dinner at an expensive restaurant.
At the end of the meal, surprisingly enough, the Irishman is heard to say, "That's ok, I'll pay for it."
And even more surprisingly, he does.
The next morning, the headline in the papers is, "Jewish Ventriloquist's Dummy Found Strangled in Blind Alley."
259-
Which is better, being born black or gay?
Black, because you don't have to tell your parents
260-
Subject: Breaking News from Iraq
Subject: TROOP DEPLOYMENT
FRANCE ANNOUNCES TROOP DEPLOYMENT
PARIS, FRANCE-
President Jacques Chirac announced today that France would be deploying two elite units of French troops to Iraq as the war draws to an end.
Five hundred crack troops from the 2nd Groupement d'Instruction en Abandonment (2nd Surrender Instruction Group) are mobilizing to assist the Iraqi Army in the finer points of military surrender. "The immediate capitulation of an armed force is a delicate and intricate tactic in which we French have much experience." said Defence Ministry spokesperson General
de Armee Francois-Phillippe Hommes de Petit-Pommes.
"There is a certain protocol in laying down your arms or fleeing the battlefield. To wave the white flag while remaining arrogant, pompous and insufferable requires experience and training. The French Army believes it is second to none in the fine art of surrendering quickly. The record of our armed forces in that area speaks for itself.
The Iraqi performance in giving up without a fight during the last Gulf War was commendable but slip-shod. We hope to improve their level of surrender execution for this war."
General Hommes de Petit-Pommes further announced that 1000 advisors from the Regiment de Collaborateurs Francais will also be dispatched to Iraq to assist the Iraqi people in collaborating effectively with any occupation force. "It is more important to protect their art treasures and dining establishments than to defend their honor," the General pointed out.
The General also expressed the hope that Baghdad has some tree-lined boulevards. "It was our experience that the Germans liked to march in the shade, and we feel the Americans and the British might like that same measure of comfort in Iraq - especially as warm weather settles in this spring."
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