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Deep Thoughts 3

351-
My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. 
I said, "Just wait."

352-
If you broke the law of gravity, would you get a suspended sentence?

353-
Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky. Somehow I think that the last five minutes aren't so hot either.

354-
INTERNATIONAL THINKING AT ITS BEST! 
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? 
Answer: Princess Diana's death. 
Question: How come? 
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals..... 
That, my friends, is Globalisation

355-
On some days, my head is filled with such wild and original thoughts that I can barely utter a word. 
On other days, the liquor store is closed.

356-
Historical fact
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertiliser, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in that form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water at sea hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a natural by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could and did happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term 'SHIT' which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golfing term. 

357-
Handy Tips
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. 

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone. 

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view. 

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it. 

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastard. 

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. 

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. 

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again. 

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower. 

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one. 

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference. 

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, and then read the rest in random order. 

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. 

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof. 

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one. 

Windows: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs: Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" 
(Or just throw glitter on them & call them holiday decorations.)

Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere." As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favourite charity and haven't had time to clean... Works every time.

Another favourite. Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

358-
THE ANSWER IS: OPEC
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What does an Irish chicken do? 

THE ANSWER: Sis Boom Baa
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What's the sound of an exploding sheep? 

THE ANSWER: Blazing Saddles
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch? 

THE ANSWER: "Follow the yellow brick road"
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What are good directions to a urologist's office? 

THE ANSWER: Hi Diddle Diddle
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What's the first thing you say in the morning to your diddle diddle? 

THE ANSWER: Skalliwags
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What does your skalli do when it's happy? 

THE ANSWER: Bible belt
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants 

THE ANSWER: Ben Gay
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids? 

THE ANSWER: An unmarried woman
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 PM on June 1,
1959? 

THE ANSWER: Old wives tale
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What do cannibals find hard to digest? 

THE ANSWER: Grape Nuts
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo? 

THE ANSWER: Igloo
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off? 

THE ANSWER: Gatorade
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare? 

THE ANSWER: Until he gets caught
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve? 

THE ANSWER: Supervisor
(open envelope) THE QUESTION: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?

359-
Several Ways to Say that Somebody Is Dumb
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 
A few clowns short of a circus. 
A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 
A few Cokes short of a six-pack. 
A few peas short of a casserole. 
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. 
One taco short of a combination plate. 
A few feathers short of a whole duck. 
All foam, no beer. 
The cheese slid off his cracker. 
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. 
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 
An intellect rivalled only by garden tools. 
As smart as bait. 
Chimney's clogged. 
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. 
Forgot to pay his brain bill. 
Her sewing machine's out of thread. 
His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 
No grain in the silo. 
In the pinball game of life, his flippers are a little farther apart than most. 
The lift doesn't go all the way to the top floor. 
A few slices short of a loaf. 

360-
25 Home Truths
1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggers have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People." 
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. 
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 
8. A husband is someone who, after taking out the trash, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 
9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can 
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off . I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." 
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. 
12. My neighbour was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!" 
13. Definition of a teen-ager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. 
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way. 
15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! 
16. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just "chunky dunk." 
17. The early bird still has to eat worms. 
18 The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them. 
19. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. 
20. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? 
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 
22. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said. 
23. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 
24. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour. 
25. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever 

361-
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

362-
Points to ponder
A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.
Membership of the Mile-High Club is void if you apply by yourself.
If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and learn the language.
"Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the Olympics.
A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.
Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a disease.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

363-
Investment tips for 2005.... for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2005.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

364-
A single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs.

365-
I'm passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me...By following the simple advice I read in an article, I finally found inner peace. The article read: 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started.'
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished... and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, a Black Forest gateau, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have absolutely no idea how wonderful I feel right now...! 

366-
A worldwide anti-terrorism conference was held recently in Saudi Arabia.
An anti-terrorism conference in Saudi Arabia?!
That's kind of like having a child protection conference at the Neverland Ranch. 

367-
Proverbs @ web
1. Home is where you hang your @. 
2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail. 
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 
5. Great groups from little icons grow. 
6. In some places, C: is the root of all directories.
7. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish. 
8. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 
9. The geek shall inherit the earth. 
10. Don't byte off more than you can view. 
11. Windows will never cease. 
12. Virtual reality is its own reward. 
13. There's no place like your homepage.
14. Modulation in all things. 
15. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. 

368-
On this day in 1965, Sony introduces the first video cassette recorder, priced at a whopping $995. 
Sales are almost non-existent until the late 70's, when millions of North American men suddenly realize that this miraculous new device allows them to masturbate while watching complete strangers fuck, all in the comfort of their own living room! 
Technology ~ don't you just love it?

369-
Strange Proverbs 
Fools rush in where fools have been before. 
To avoid duplication, make three copies. 
It's called "take home" pay because you can't afford to go anywhere else with it. 
Success is relative -- the greater the success, the more relatives. 
The slower you work, the fewer mistakes you make. 
If at first you succeed, try to hide your astonishment. 
You must have learned from others' mistakes. You haven't had time to think all those up yourself. 
People like criticism -- just keep it positive and flattering. 
It's OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound. 
Worry kills more people than work because more people worry than work. 
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 
When you're getting kicked from behind, that means you're in front. 
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors. 
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 
The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do. 
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. 
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were. 
The world is full of willing people -- some willing to work and some willing to let them. 
Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done. 
A babysitter is a teen-ager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teen-agers. 
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 
Most people deserve each other. 
The one who snores will fall asleep first. 
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding. 
The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbour buys their spouse. 
Never get overly excited about a man or woman by just the way they look from behind. 
The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with..

370-
Thought for the day 
Beware 
The toes you step on today 
could well be attached 
to the legs 
that lead to the arse 
you may have to kiss tomorrow

371-
Have you ever wondered 
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? 
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed? 
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? 
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? 
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? 
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food? 
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? 
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes????? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! 
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? 
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

372-
This is creepy!
Think of a letter between A and W.
.
.
.
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

.
.
Keep going . . .
Don't stop . . ..
.
.
.
.
Think of an animal that begins with that letter.
.

.
.
.
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name
.

.
.
.
Almost there........
.

.
.
.
Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.
.
.
.
.
Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level
.
.
.
.
Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand
.
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Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?
.
.

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.
Of course they fuckin' don't.......
.
.
.
Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid e-mail games!

373-
Truisms
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. 
I had amnesia once -- or twice. 
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what? 
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. 
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 
If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle. 
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? 
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them. 
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway. 
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. 
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. 
What if there were no hypothetical questions? 
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. 
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail. 
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. 
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? 
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. 
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 
How can there be self-help "groups"? 
Is there another word for synonym? 
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? 
The speed of time is one-second per second. 
Is it possible to be totally partial? 
What's another word for thesaurus? 
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? 
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. 
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. 
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? 

374-
Here's a list of my favourite things to do.....
Well, there's sex, you can have sex, sexual intercourse, a quickie, consummate a marriage, couple, copulate, coddle, or commit the act of procreation. You could be making whoopee, making love, love making, scrogging, slapping skin, or sweating to the oldies. You could sleep with someone, sleep together, sleep around, fool around, whore around, screw around, or just screw, shag, shank, score, fornicate, fork, pork, pump, poke, plank, pound, boff bonk, bop, bone bang, or boink. you could be dancing between the sheets, doing the horizontal bop, the horizontal mambo, the prone boogie, or even the hunka-chunka. You could be humping, bumping, humping and bumping, bumping uglies, the ol' bump and grind, or making the two backed beast. You could play doctor, hide the salami, hide the sausage, because dammit, it's the most fun you can have with your clothes off. You could break in a new mattress, or give the old one a workout. You could be squeaking the springs, annoying the neighbours, or making a big mistake. You could get them in the sack, get a little action, get a little nookie, get a piece of tail, get a piece of ass, get it on, get some, get frisky, get lucky, get laid, get all hot and sticky, or just get it wet, and, I'm not making this up, get a little sticky steak up in this bitch. You could be mounted, mounting, rutting, breeding, starting a family, pulling the train, slamming the stack. Two for me, none for you. Not going anywhere for a while? You could turn a trick, or take pity on the poor bastard and give it away. Happy hammering, hammer, nail, sow your wild oats, lose your virginity, or induce pregnancy the old fashioned way. Take a roll in the hay, a trip to the tunnel of love, or a trip to paradise if you're taking the scenic route. Hit a home run, hit the twizzer, knock boots, tap that ass, shoplift the pootie, plunder the booty, count the ceiling tiles, ruin a friendship, or close the scroat. Do the wild thing, do it, doing it, doing the nasty, the nasty, the old in-out in-out, dip the wick, dip the stick (or if you're with a moron you could stick the dip). Wet the noodle, check the oil, check the temperature, give her the pork sword injection, or the hot beef injection, depending on your religion. Or perhaps even commit assault with a vein laden meat pipe . You could give in, give it up, go for it, go for the gold, go for the gusto, go for broke, or even go all the way, after all, it is the fastest way to the top. You could engage in a fluid transfer, relieve some tension, relieve some pressure, or experience a hormonal episode. it's a labour of love, hanky panky, and as a friend of mine once said "the noblest of all causes" or.... you could just FUCK

375-
Thoughts
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely. 
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

376-
They say the dog is man's best friend. I don't believe that.
How many of your friends have you had neutered?

377-
Anon list...
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again 
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

378-
GOOD: You find an Armani suit on sale at a terrific price! BAD: It needs a little work at your alterations shop. WORSE: The tailor there has never seen a Armani suit before.
GOOD: The tests are positive - you're gonna' be a dad again! BAD: You really can't afford another kid on your pay. WORSE: You haven't told your wife.
GOOD: Your daughter has been chosen Head Cheerleader! BAD: She's been sidelined by a persistent rash. WORSE: It's jock itch.
GOOD: Your mother in-law makes a chocolate cake you love! BAD: You get home and she's come for dinner, apparently empty-handed. WORSE: No, she's brought your cake. It's in the den with her luggage.
GOOD: You went for the 100,000 mile, head-to-tail warranty on the RV. BAD: You watch the odometer pass 99,999. WORSE: when a cloud of white smoke fills the passenger compartment.
GOOD: You're enjoying Parent's Night at Millard C Fillmore Jr. High school. BAD: until a school counsellor urges therapy for both your son & daughter. WORSE: You only have one kid.
GOOD: You're the man! You'll go to the National Trade Show with the Boss. BAD: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week. WORSE: On the flight down, he tells you you're cute.
GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hair salon. BAD: There's a rumour going around town that he's gay. WORSE: Your wife guarantees you that he's not.

379-
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. 
So far, the Universe is winning." 

380-
Dementia test 
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it," also applies to the brain, so..... Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin:

Question 1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said: "bread," go to the next question.

Question 2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate, such as Children's World." If you said: "water," proceed to the next question. 

Question 3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said, "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing reading these questions? If you said: "glass,", then go on to the next question.

Question 4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines failed. The pilot, realising that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the third engine fails before he has time to attempt an emergency landing, and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? In East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said: "Don't bury the survivors," proceed to Question 5.

Question 5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree! If you said, "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn in your pencil, and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!

381-
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat..
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading.

382-
Customer: Worcester sauce crisps please mate ...
Shop Keeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare.
Customer: Oh right, uh Chinese Chicken Wings?
Shop Keeper: Ah that's the same mate, cancer scare
Customer: Hamburger Relish?
Shop Keeper: Cancer scare
Customer: Sausage and Mash?
Shop Keeper: Cancer scare
Customer: Cottage Pie?
Shop Keeper: Aye, ... no wait, cancer scare.
Customer: So they're all off the shelves because of a cancer scare?
Shop Keeper: Yup.
Customer: bloody hell, that's mad, just give me a 20 Regal King Size then.
Shop Keeper: No bother mate. £5.25 please.

383-
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either." 

384-
Ponder this
Jesus loves you... but everyone else thinks you are an asshole. 
Impotence... Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings." 
The proctologist called.... they found your head. 
Save your breath........ You'll need it to blow up your date. 
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. 
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 
Guys.... just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. 
Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating His animal friends. 
Try not to let your mind wander.... It is too small and fragile to be out by itself. 
Welcome to America .... Now learn Spanish.

385-
"The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant--and let the air out of the tyres." 

386-
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

387-
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married

388-
Rules for parking if you are rude
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signalling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.
Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.
Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.
Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signalling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
Rule #10 - If you have Handicap license plates, use up a regular parking spot.
Rule #11 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same colour as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.
Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
Rule #13 - deleted... for those who are superstitious!
Rule #14 - When exiting a shopping centre into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.
Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping centre parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.
Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping centre, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
Rule #22 - When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signalling for your spot.
Rule #23 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them.
Rule #24 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!
Rule #25 - If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were ___witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name, address, and phone number!

389-
100 Useless Facts
Contrary to popular opinion, oven chips are not good for you. Despite the manufacturer's attempts to persuade you that they're practically a health food, the reason oven chips cook in the oven whereas normal chips don't, is that Mr McCain soaks the oven chips in fat before putting them in the flimsy plastic bag. And this is in some way better than you soaking it in fat yourself, at home, among friends. I mean at least I know where my fat came from. . 
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs. . 
If you take some dried grasshoppers, powder them and roll them into a cigarette, and then smoke that cigarette, you can simulate the effects of not having any marijuana. . 
Beer makes an amusing, and effective, substitute for lemonade at tiny children's birthday parties. Watch your child's friends' parents' faces as your child starts becoming aggressive, chanting football slogans and vomiting over the furniture, and its tiny friends get into a vicious fight with Newcastle Brown bottles over whether or not one of them is 'a poof'. . 
Custard powder (indeed any fine, dry powder such as coffee whitener or cement) forms a highly inflammable and explosive suspension in air. Holding a jar high in the air and gently tapping some out, while holding a burning lighter underneath, is a great way to amuse your friends at parties. It's also a great way to lose your eyebrows, hair, the paint off your ceiling, and frequently your ceiling. 
Those aren't really Helen Mirren's legs in that banal British Airways advert. And yes, I am concentrating in the area in front of your legs Helen, I'm a girl. . 
Dropping a laser printer toner cartridge from the top deck of King's Mall Car Park in Hammersmith is a good way to make your mark. In this case, a large circular mark about thirty feet across. . 
Irritating market research operatives, religious cultists and other people who approach you in the street can be easily killed by means of a simple home-made flamethrower. This can be constructed by the lay being in less than an hour using a tin of petrol, a bicycle pump, a candle and a length of garden hose. . 
Ethernet cable makes an amusing, and fatal, substitute for bungee rope. . 
The word 'yes' in Italian means 'no' in English. This has foxed intrepid travellers for centuries. . 
You can quickly drive human beings to homicide and madness by the simple expedient of sitting behind them on a train popping bubble wrap continuously for forty minutes. 
Safeway Savers Sausage contain up to 320% of the European Community's recommended daily allowance of lard. 
Breakfast cereals only contain vitamins and iron because the manufacturers literally pour great vats of nutrient into the packets before shipping them. It's all a bit futile really; you might as well pour a tub of multi-vitamins over your chips and say 'Look everyone! Chips are good for you, no they are, they're full of vitamins!". . 
Childrens' Wendy houses are not practical dwelling places for a family of fully-grown adults. Seriously. Give it a go. . 
Most things that look like wood nowadays simply aren't. It's quite literally a thin veneer. . 
Internet router programming has been shown to cause vomiting and premature death in laboratory children. . 
The word 'frisnit' is not in the standard UNIX spell-checking dictionary. Try it if you don't believe me. . 
You can get a lot of shit out of a Pekinese. . 
The Spring/Summer 2003 Index Catalogue is full of overpriced tat. . 
The standard playing speed of the average cassette tape is 1 and 7/8ths of an inch per second. . 
A beermat can be a surprisingly effective weapon, if you're drunk enough. The key thing here is to hone it to a killing edge, then use it to slice the victim's cheek open. . 
You can hurt yourself if you run with chainsaws. . 
Salman Rushdie devised the slogans "Naughty but nice" and "Go to work on an egg". (If only he'd stopped at that.) . 
Mike Nesmith out of the Monkees' mum invented Sno-Paque (not Tippex - sorry Mike Nesmith's mum). No, honestly! . 
You can remain alive for up to 13 seconds after having your head cut off. .
Wee Jimmy Krankie off of TV's The Krankies is not in fact a small boy. It's a WOMAN dressed up. . 
Toffee Crisp chocolate bars contain 2.1g of protein. Like, if you're stuffing your face with a great lardy Toffee Crisp you give a flying shite about how much protein it contains. . 
Remember children can choke on peanuts. (Warning on the back of a packet of peanuts). Well, I find it an amusing thought. . 
Regional television tends towards the slightly amateurish and embarrassing. . 
You can hurt yourself if you run with scissors. . 
Motor racing's Murray Walker invented the phrase "A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play". Apparently. . 
Betamax is better than VHS. . 
The hexadecimal machine language for the 80x86 assembler instruction TEST Byte Ptr [BX+01B3],02 is as follows: F687B30102 . 
Gerbils are illegal in California. . 
Every single human on the planet has more than 6.0 * 10^19 (60 octillion or 60,000,000,000,000,000,000) haemoglobin molecules. Each of those is made up of 574 amino acids, each of which are connected in a special order. . 
In 1983, a Japanese artist, Tadahiko Ogawa, made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of ordinary toast. . 
Gloucestershire airport in England used to blast Tina Turner songs on the runways to scare birds away. . 
The spray WD-40 got its name because there were forty attempts needed before the creation of the "water displacing" substance. . 
In only eight minutes, the Space Shuttle can accelerate to a speed of 27,000 kilometres per hour. . 
Coconuts kill more people in the world than sharks do. Approximately 150 people are killed each year by coconuts. 
111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 equals 12,345,678,987,654,321. . 
In the game Monopoly, the most money you can lose in one travel around the board (normal game rules, going to jail only once) is $26,040. The most money you can lose in one turn is $5070. . 
A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't. . 
According to British law passed in 1845, attempting to commit suicide was a capital offence. Offenders could be hanged for trying. . 
Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. . 
In Athens, Greece, a driver's license can be taken away by law if the driver is deemed either unbathed or poorly dressed. . 
In England during Queen Victoria's reign, it was illegal to be a homosexual but not a lesbian. The reason being that when the Queen was approving the law she wouldn't believe that women would do that. . 
In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal for a husband to kiss his wife on Sundays. 
In the UK, there is no act of parliament making it illegal to commit murder. Murder is only illegal due to legal precedent. .
It is against the law to stare at the mayor of Paris. . 
It is illegal in Sweden to train a seal to balance a ball on its nose. . 
It is illegal to eat oranges while bathing in California. . 
50,000 of the cells in your body will die and be replaced with new cells all while you have been reading this sentence. . 
A person at rest generates as much heat as a 100-watt light bulb. . 
A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a few weeks. .
A Sphygmomanometer measures blood pressure. . 
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. . 
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds. . 
By the age of 60, the human eye has absorbed the same amount of light produced in an atomic blast. . 
During menstruation, the sensitivity of a woman's middle finger is reduced. . 
Human beings cannot taste or smell a substance that is not soluble. . 
If someone punches you in the nose hard, it will hurt. . 
f you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create an atomic bomb. . 
If you lock you knees while standing long enough, you will pass out. . 
In Michigan, USA, a man legally owns his wife's hair. . 
Melting an ice cube in your mouth burns 3 calories. . 
Mr. Spock's blood is green. . 
On average, a man will only speak 2000 words over the course of a day while a woman will speak 7000 words in the same amount of time. . 
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. . 
Over 2,500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people. . 
Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses. . 
Several well documented instances have been reported of extremely obese people flushing aircraft toilets whilst still sitting on them. The vacuum action of these toilets sucked the rectum inside out. . 
The best recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet. . 
The city morgue in the Bronx, New York gets so busy sometimes that the next of kin have to take a number for body identification. . 
The study of nose picking is called rhinotillexomania. . 
X goes first in Tic Tac Toe. . 
There are 22 stars surrounding the mountain on the Paramount Pictures logo. . 
If you leave Tokyo by plane at 7:00am, you will arrive in Honolulu at approximately 4:30pm the previous day. . 
One legend claims stealing someone's shadow (by measuring it against a wall and driving a nail through its head) can turn the victim into a vampire. . 
One year contains 31,557,600 seconds. . 
Scientists in Australia's Parkes Observatory thought they had positive proof of alien life, when they began picking up radio-waves from space. However, after investigation, the radio emissions were traced to a microwave in the building. . 
In Sweden, while prostitution is legal, it is illegal for anyone to use the services of a prostitute. .
It is illegal to frown at cows in Bladworth, Saskatchewan. . 
It was once against the law to slam your car door in a city in Switzerland. . 
Mailing an entire building has been illegal in the U. S. since 1916 when a man mailed a 40,000-ton brick house across Utah to avoid high freight rates. . 
The youngest Pope was 11 years old. . 
43% of all statistics are completely useless. . 
4/3rds of all people don't understand fractions. . 
A woman invented the dishwasher. . 
In 1936, American track star Jesse Owens beat a race horse over a 100-yard course. The horse was given a head start. . 
The only bone not broken so far during any ski accident is one located in the inner ear. . 
Three consecutive strikes in bowling is called a turkey. . 
A Duracell MN1203 battery has 4.5v in it.
The Ford Ka was the first car to be designed by a woman. No wonder there's no leg room. . 
At the CERN research facility in Geneva, Switzerland, some readings observed by the scientists were not due to newly discovered sub-atomic particles, but to trains leaving the local stations creating minute power surges. 
The sanskrit word for war literally translates as "wanting more cows". . 
No type of crisps produced (to date) ever taste like the flavour as described on the packet. 'Scampi & lemon' flavour Nik-Naks came close, and would have succeeded if they'd named them 'Whore's fanny' flavour. . 
If you took all the Christmas trees in England and placed them in Wembley stadium, it would be pretty hard to play football. . 
There are three league football teams with swear words in their name: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and Fucking Manchester United. .
It is illegal to do washing on a Sunday in Switzerland.

390-
When push comes to shove... somebody's gonna figure out that "push" and "shove" mean the same damn thing.

391-
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "how heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it."
"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. "In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on." "As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can." "Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!
And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

392-
There is nothing wrong with abstinence................... in moderation.

393-
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington USA appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices: 
1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, A gun shop specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a .22 target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm Glock 17, the clerk with a .50 Desert Eagle, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also fired, The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. 
Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire. 
Here we are at the beginning of Spring and we already may have the 2005 winner of the Darwin Award. This guy is going to be hard to beat. 

394-
Quality letters
COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les Barnsley, Barnsley

ONE pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty-eight pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing bastards.
Tracey Cusick, Cumbria

HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.
Tim

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
Mark Roberts

According to Nietzsche: 'That which does not kill me makes me stronger'. I'm sure my granddad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.
A Thorne, Sandbach

IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning.
Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table?
Magnus, Sheffield

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twat quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, Email

It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?
Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Thames

I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with Jenny. She is a really great shag. Thanks again.
Baz, Bondi Beach

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London

395-
Penetrating thoughts: 
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa-Zsa Gabor
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness . But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. ~Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires..... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. ~Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. ~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. ~W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the ageing process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older it avoids you. ~Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or to spread out. ~Phyllis Diller
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good... spit it out.

396-
Supposedly I was created in God's image. I don't know... you'd think God would have a bigger penis than this.

397-
If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

398-
Q: How many kids with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: Let's go ride bikes!

399-
Zimbabwe ~ The only country in the world where the largest note ($500) can’t buy you a roll of 1=ply toilet paper which costs $1000. There are approximately 72 sections on the average roll so it is cheaper to take your $1000, change it into $10 notes, wipe your ass on 72 of them....and get $280 change.

400-
It's Easier To Build A Child Than To Repair An Adult

401-
"Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life."

402-
Schwartkopf beauty products................
Would you buy them if you knew that, in German, it means 'black head'?

403-
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. 

404-
My cousin, Marilyn, a semi-retired teacher, had agreed to fill in for a friend who had to take a few days off for a medical exam. The course was an introductory biology class and the topic for the week was mammals, 
So my cousin said she was preparing a Power Point slide show with images of various animals to illustrate the huge diversity of the group. 
Of course the obvious place for her to look for images was on the Internet, and she had great success with searches for "armadillo photos" and "whale photos" and "monkey photos." 
Then she says, she obviously made some sort of mistake when she did a search for "beaver photos." 

405-
A woman was so desperate to have a child she spent ten years trying to conceive. She had tried countless sperm donors over the years and finally the day came when she had a positive result from her doctors; at last, she was pregnant. 
In an interview with a national newspaper, she said, “You wouldn’t believe the lengths I’ve had to go through to have this baby”.
Enough said.

406-
Warning label on a drum of industrial-strength detergent: "If you cannot read English, do not use this product until label has been explained to you."

407-
THE YEAR 1905 
Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1905 one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U. S. statistics for 1905: 
The average life expectancy in the U. S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U. S. had a bathtub. 
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. 
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars. 
There were only 8,000 cars in the U. S., and only 144 miles of paved roads. 
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. 
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. 
With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union. 
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower! 
The average wage in the U. S. was 22 cents an hour. 
The average U. S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. 
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. 
More than 95 percent of all births in the U. S. took place at home . 
Ninety percent of all U. S. physicians had no college education. 
Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard." 
Sugar cost four cents a pound. 
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. 
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. 
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. 
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason. 
The five leading causes of death in the U. S. were: 
1. Pneumonia and influenza 
2. Tuberculosis 
3. Diarrhoea 
4. Heart disease 
5. Stroke 
The American flag had 45 stars. .....Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. 
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!!! 
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. 
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. 
Two of 10 U. S. adults couldn't read or write. 
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school. 
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. .....According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." 
Eighteen percent of households in the U. S had at least one full-time servant or domestic. 
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U. S.
And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years . it staggers the mind. 

408-
CHINESE WISDOM 
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. 
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. 
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth! 
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. 
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. 
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. 
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. 
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. 
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who has sex with woman in field get piece on earth.

409-
Darwin Awards 2005 
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners:
1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a. m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

410-
So you have received a credit card application? You know what it says, but do know what it really means?
What it says: "You have demonstrated financial responsibility..." What it means: "You're breathing!"
What it says: "Our membership is difficult to obtain..." What it means: "Death row prisoners are not eligible... in most states!"
What it says: "We have shortened the application process..." What it means: "We need lots of new members fast or we'll go out of business!"
What it says: "You have no predetermined credit limit..." What it means: "We're not worried, we employ the Break Your Legs collection agency."
What it says: "Exceptional Customer Service..." What it means: "Except when you need it!"
What it says: "Trained customer representatives await your call..." What it means: "This is the part you talk into, and this is where you listen. Any questions?"
What it says: "To apply for membership, fill out this short form..." What it means: "You'll get the long form later."
What it says: "You may direct us not to share this information with anyone else..." What it means: "Catch us, if you can!"
What it says: "We look forward to receiving your completed application..." What it means: "We baited the hook, let's see if anyone bites!"
What it says: "You've been pre-approved..." What it means: "You've been pre-approved to be Rejected!" or "We've already prepared your letter of denial."

411-
Age-activated Attention Deficit Disorder (A. A. A. D. D.)
You decide to wash the car
As you start towards the garage, you notice that there is mail in the hall
You decide to go through the mail before washing the car
You put your keys down on the hall table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin, and notice that the bin is full
So, you decide to put the bills back down and take out the rubbish first
But then you think "since I'm going near the post box to take out the rubbish, I'll pay the bills first"
You get your chequebook and see that there is only 1 cheque left
The new cheque book is in the desk in the study, so you go to the desk where you find the cup of coffee you'd been drinking
Looking for the chequebook, you must first move aside the coffee, so that you don't knock it over
Setting the coffee down on the filing cabinet, you find the reading glasses that you've been looking for all morning
You decide to put them back on the desk, but first you need to water the flowers
You put the glasses back down on the filing cabinet, and go to the kitchen for water for the flowers, when you suddenly spot the TV remote, and as you'll be looking for this later and won't remember where it is, you decide to put it back where it belongs, but first you'll water the flowers
You manage to spill some water on the floor while carrying it to the flowers
So you out the remote down and get some cloths to mop up
Then you head off down the hall trying to remember what you were going to do
At the end of the day - the car isn't washed. The bills aren't paid, there is a cold cup of coffee in the study, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only 1 cheque left in the book, you can't find the remote, you can't find your glasses and you don't remember what you did with the car keys
Then you try to work out why nothing got done all day and you're baffled because you know you were busy all day long and you're really tired!!

412-
American wisdom 
Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 
The difference between the Pope and your boss.... the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. 
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 
A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can 
I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. 
My neighbour was bitten by a stray, rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said: "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!" 
Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. 

413-
Clearly Defined Words
A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.
MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ.
METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.
MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.
MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.
MOTHER'S DAY - Nine months after fathers day.
NUN - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none.

414-
Truths about life...
Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee...
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash...
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it...
True friends stab you in the front.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

415-
INNER STRENGTH 
If you can start the day without caffeine, 
If you can get going without pep pills, 
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, 
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, 
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, 
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, 
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment 
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him, 
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, 
If you can conquer tension without medical help, 
If you can relax without liquor, 
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, 
... Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

416-

And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke. So my friends, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile. 

Forward this onto your friends today and let them know you've been thinking about them! 
Have A Great Day

417-
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...
You finish off as an orgasm.

418-
Locked your keys inside the car? 
CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THIS WORKS, BUT IT DOES! NO MORE AA
If you accidentally lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone there on your mobile 'phone.
Hold your 'phone about a foot from your car door and have the other person at your home press the unlock button of your key fob (clicker), holding it near the phone on their end. Your car doors should unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your spare keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away. If you can reach someone who has the spare 'remote' for your car, you can unlock the doors. 
Editor's Note * This will only work with an ultrasonic fob. It cannot work with anything which is infra-red or radio frequency. There is no way on earth the speaker in any mobile phone could generate infra-red or radio waves, which are both forms of electromagnetic radiation - and neither could the microphone on the "home" set respond to them.
It works fine! We tried it out, and it unlocked our car over a mobile 'phone! I locked the car then had my youngest daughter call me while I was far away from the car. I clicked 'open' into the 'phone and I could hear the car doors unlock through her 'phone. My daughter confirmed that sure enough the doors opened.

419-
How Standards Are Created Historically
Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells?
The U. S. standard railroad gauge (distance between rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So, who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
What about the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right. The Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Now the twist to the story... When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. Thiokol makes the SRBs at their factory in Utah.
The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.
The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?

420-
THE ORIGINAL STORY OF THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER 
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. 
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. 
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. 
THE MODERN AUSTRALIAN VERSION 
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. 
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate like him are cold and starving. 
The ABC and Channel 9 show up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table filled with food. 
Australians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. 
The Democrats, the Greens and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. 
The ABC, interrupting an Aboriginal cultural festival special from North Queensland with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome." 
Bob Brown rants in an interview with Ray Martin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." 
In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retrospective to the beginning of the summer. 
It is quickly passed through the Senate. 
The ant's taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to hire grass hoppers as helpers. 
Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retrospective taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. 
The ant moves to Asia, and starts a successful agribiz company. 
The TV stations later show the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food though Spring is still months away, while the government owned house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house crumbles around him because he hadn't maintained it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Kim Beasley now is appointed to head a commission of inquiry that will cost $10,000,000. 
The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Sydney Morning Herald blames it on obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity. 
The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity, who promptly terrorize the community.

421-
If you think you're too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito in the room.

422-
ACCESS TIME 1. n. The time taken between requesting and receiving data in computing 2. n. The time taken for a woman to produce enough moisture to allow smooth penetration without feeling like one is scraping ones’s giggling stick on the Great Barrier Reef.
ACORN n. A little bell end nesting forlornly in the pubage of a fat German naturalist.
ADW abbrev. All Day Wank. A 24 hour trip to the Billy Mill Roundabout with no hand signals. Something to do when the Queen Mum dies and the telly is off.
AFTER DINNER BINT n. A bird you have to take out to dinner to fuck.
AFTERBURNER n. A pyroflatulatory anal announcement. A blue streak, St. George’s ruin.
AIR TULIP n. A delightfully fragrant fart, as dropped by Lady Di or Grace Kelly. But not Jocky Wilson.
ALE STONES n. A downpour of marble sized tods after a night spent quaffing Youngers Scotch Bitter.
AMERICAN TIP 1. n. A piece of advice given by someone from the USA. 2. n. A short rubber Johnny that covers the herman gelmet and prevents the wanked-up spunk going on the hotel sheets.
ANAL DELIGHT 1. n. A soft, light, fluffy chocolate or butter-scotch-coloured pudding served in a large porcelain bowl. 2. n. Pleasures taken in tradesman’s practices.
APESHIT 1. n. That which is flung at your granny in a zoo. 2. adj. State of mental perturbation. Fucking radgy.
AQUAFRESH n. A skidmark created on the inside of the trousers of someone wearing a G-string ie. Three stripes of two different colours.
ARSE SPIDER n. A tenacious, well-knotted winnet that cannot be removed without bringing eight spindly hairs with it.
ARSEHOLE 1. n. The dirtbox, the tea towel holder. 2. sim. Someone or something. ‘That bird is as rough as arseholes without her make-up on. When she’s got it on she’s rough as fuck.’ 3. n. Descriptive of a person with a character of Eddie Irvine or Dave Lee Travis.
ARSEOVOIR n. The little indent just above a builder’s arse that holds about half a pint of sweat.
AUGUSTUS n. A hur-mur sexual. A botter. From Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, where Augustus Gloop got stuck up the chocolate pipe.
AUNT MARY n. A lady’s hairy fadge.
AZTEC TWO-STEP n. Diarrhoea dance along the lines of the Tijuana cha-cha. Turkish two-step.

423-
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway. It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!
Now, the Moral of the Story:
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
P. S. - The donkey later came back and kicked the crap out of the man that tried to bury him.
Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.

424-
25 Phrases Of Wisdom 
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

425-
A 13-year-old girl was expelled from school in Beaver, Pa., in July for performing oral sex on a boy during a school bus ride home in May; her mother had challenged the expulsion, unsuccessfully arguing that the school had never specified which activities were unacceptable. Gimme a friggin break... what in the hell is wrong with these parents???

426-
SOME TEXAS WISDOM
1. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
6. Never kick a cow pat on a hot day.
7. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
9. Don't squat with your spurs on.
10. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
11. Always drink upstream from the herd.
12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
13. There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, The few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot.

427-
"They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I'll be damned if I am going to roll twelve shopping carts out of the grocery store."

428-
Have you ever asked ...
When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?
When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Why is there always one in every crowd?
If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?
Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?
Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
When you discover a missing buttonhole... where did it go?

429-
All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the native American Indians

430-
A useless message in my in-box trumpeted, "Satisfy the girls with a bigger dick!" 
Hey, I wouldn't be caught dead with a girl with a dick, especially if it's bigger than mine. 

431-
"If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning." 

432-
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith." 
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?" 
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

433-
When I was a little child and walked the odd mile and a bit to school, and back again, there was this invariable tirade before leaving : when you cross the road, look left, then look right, the look again. It did happen that every year or so, a kid ran across the road right into the path of a oncoming car. Did our parents protest to ban cars from the road ? No. Did they hire crossing guards ? No. Did they even send grief counsellors to the school ? No, there was this universal conspiracy that put all the blame on that stupid kid. See what happens! GOOD
Thank God this cannot happen anymore. Since it is to far to walk, the kids get bussed. Where I live, there was a kid stupid enough to run in front of the bus, so they promptly put little windows at the bottom of the door and huge mirrors behind it, so the driver could see the front of the bus, but since there are limits to intelligence and none to stupidity, a kid did manage to avoid those precautions and manage to get run over, so in addition to the mirrors, they now have arms the extend, like in a railway crossing. This proves once again that the government will spend millions to preserve stupidity at all costs. It not only assures them of being voted into office, it provides a ready replacement for the incumbent party. BAD

434-
Qs &As
Q. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
A. You can drop her off anywhere.
Q. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A. Outlaws are wanted.
Q. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
A. Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.
Q. Where does virgin wool come from?
A. The sheep that can run the fastest.
Q. What's the down side to a threesome?
A. You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.

435-
I was recently at a supermarket, purchased for $17.03, gave the cashier $20.00 and as she punched it in found the three cents and gave it to her. Her reply : I am sorry sir, I cannot accept it, I have already punched it in. Somewhat upset, I asked why on earth not. It appeared that she would have to cancel the entire transaction, which needed to be approved by a supervisor, and re-enter it so that the screen showed her how much change to give. I took my three cents and $2.97 change back, knowing that sometimes argument is futile. 

436-
Wordplay
1. A bicycle can't stand-alone because it is two-tyred.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine either.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
27. A backward poet writes inverse. 
28.. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. 
29.. Dijon vu, the same mustard as before. 
30. Practice safe eating: always use safe condiments. 
31.. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. 
32. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. 
33.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 
34. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really just a form of floor play. 
35. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 
36. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. 
37.Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. 
38. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. 
39. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 
40. She was engaged to a man with a wooden leg but broke it off. 
41. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 
42.If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? 
43. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 
44.When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. 
45..The man who fell into an upholstery machine was fully recovered. 
46. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 
47. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 
48. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 
49. Every calendar's days are numbered. 
50..A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. 
51. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 
52.He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 
53.A plateau is a high form of flattery. 
54. Those who get to big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 
55. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. 
56. Bakers trade bread recipes on a kneed to know basis. 
57. Santa' helpers are subordinate clauses. 
58. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 
59. A midget fortune teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

437-
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and wealthy.
Because of your concern... I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use cling film in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I will now return the favour.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhoea will fly over your head at 5:00 pm today and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbour's cousin, and he's a lawyer.

438-
So there I was at a check out counter waiting for an elderly man to count out change when a jerk behind me said "come on old man, I haven't got all day!" 
I turned and gave the guy a cold stare, and he says "what are you looking at?" I replied, "Apparently, a fantastic anal orifice of epic proportion." 
This confused him. After about 5 seconds he says "thanks" and looked away. 
Meanwhile, as the elderly man handed the cashier the change, he gave me a little wink and smile. 
Instead of going home soured by it the elderly man got to leave with a grin, and the guy I called an anal orifice was happy for me telling him so. 
Sometimes, life is just too much fun!

439-
A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target. 
We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day. The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said. 
"What?" Mom asked. 
"Let 's run through the rain!" She repeated. 
"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied. 
This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain," 
"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said. 
"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm. 
This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet? 
"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!" 
The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes. 
Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith. 
"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said 
Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars. 
And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing. 
Circumstances or people can take away you r material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories... So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven. 
I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

440-
A woman collapsed, fell and hit her head in a crowded supermarket in Swansea, Wales, when her vibrating panties made her faint with pleasure.
The kinky 33-year-old housewife was wearing a pair of battery-operated Passion Pants, bought from an Ann Summers sex shop, while she did her shopping, according to the British tabloid The Sun.
But she got so stimulated by the 6cm vibrating bullet in the panties that she lost consciousness. When paramedics arrived, they found her black imitation leather knickers still buzzing. -
They took them off her before an ambulance took her to the hospital. The woman, who's identity has been kept private, suffered no long-lasting ill effects. As she left the hospital a paramedic gave her back the Passion Pants in a plastic bag.
A spokesman for the Asda supermarket chain commented to the Sun: "We like to think shopping with us was pleasure enough already."

441-
LITTLE CHUCKLES
There is no such thing as donuts. Only bucks have them 
I'll bet if you were a porn star who worked with the same actors all the time, you'd really get to know each other inside and out. 
With the immense popularity of Viagra it's not surprising that the company has now started to produce versions of the drug for specific groups of customers: Viagra-Lite:~ For people who only want to masturbate 
Girls say they like a sensitive man, but then they complain about my premature ejaculation. 
The waitress was waiting as patiently as she could while the guy was dawdling over the breakfast menu. He says, being a smart ass, "I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of the sausages I'm served with my eggs is a match in size for my own." The waitress replied, "In that case, sir, perhaps you should be looking at the children's menu. 
A blonde woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She answered, "Well, that depends on what's in it for me." 

442-
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. 
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

443-
Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"

444-
Daffy-nitions
READ SLOWLY----IT MAY TAKE A WHILE FOR THE LIGHT TO SHINE. 
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official 

445-
"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the cat flap," Gunther Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany. "I suppose that the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realized that."
Burpus, a forty-one year old gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys. "I got my head and shoulders through the flap, but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled.
After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously' and left me there."
"People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said 'very good! Very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. They came and cut me out, but arrested me as soon as I was freed. Luckily they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM3,000 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted."

446-
The story goes that some time ago a mother punished her 5 year old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and she became even more upset when the child used the gold paper to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree. 
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her mother the next morning and said, "This is for you, Mummy." 
The mother was embarrassed by her earlier over reaction, but her anger flared again when she opened the box and found it was empty. She spoke to her daughter in a harsh manner. "Don't you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside the package?" 
She had tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Mummy, it's not empty! I blew kisses into it until it was full." 
The mother was crushed. She fell on her knees and put her arms around her little girl, and she begged her forgiveness for her thoughtless anger. 
An accident took the life of the child only a short time later, and it is told that the mother kept that gold box by her bed for all the years of her life. Whenever she was discouraged or faced difficult problems she would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. 
In a very real sense, each of us, as human beings, have been given a Golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family, friends and GOD. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.

447-
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."

448-
Schizophrenia beats being alone.

449-
This puts things into perspective.
If the population of the Earth was reduced to that of a small town with 100 people, it would look something like this: 
57 Asians 
21 Europeans 
14 Americans (northern and southern) 
8 Africans 
52 women 
48 men 
70 coloured-skins 
30 Caucasians 
89 heterosexuals 
11 homosexuals
6 people would own 59% of the whole world wealth and all of them will be from the United States of America 
80 would have bad living conditions 
70 would be uneducated
50 underfed 
1 would die 
2 would be born 
1 would have a computer 
1 (only one) will have higher education 
When you look at the world from this point of view, you can see there is a real need for solidarity, understanding, patience and education. 
Also think about the following
This morning, if you woke up healthy, then you are happier than the 1 million people that will not survive next week.
If you never suffered a war, the loneliness of the jail cell, the agony of torture, or hunger, you are happier than 500 million people in the world. 
If you can enter into a church (mosque) without fear of jail or death, you are happier then 3 million people in the world. 
If there is a food in your fridge, you have shoes and clothes, you have bed and a roof, you are richer then 75% of the people in the world. 
If you have bank account, money in your wallet and some coins in the money-box, you belong to the 8% of the people on the world, who are well-to-do. 
If you read this you are three times blessed because:
1. somebody just thought of you. 
2 . you don't belong to the 200 million people that cannot read. 
3 . and... you have a computer! 
As somebody once said:
"- work as if you don't need money, 
- love as if you've never been hurt, 
- dance, as if nobody can see you, 
- sing, as if no one can hear, 
- live, as if the Earth was a heaven." 

450-
No Pain, No Gain.......................?
BOLLOCKS!!!
No Pain.................GOOD

451-
"In life you are given two ends, one to think with and the other to sit on. 
Your success in life depends on which end you use most. 
Heads you win, tails you lose." 

452-
I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call
Next morning the phone rang and a voice said “What are you doing with your life?”

453-
The California tourist board has been promoting the state's tropical weather, saying they have over a hundred thousand palms. 
You may find about 16 or so of them are trees, the rest seem to be attached to maitre d's, parking lot attendants, waiters, bell boys, doormen , etc

454-
The 59 Golden rules of advertising as drawn up by John Camm & BBC News Website readers:
1. Men are obsessed with sex but will forego sex in order to watch football or drink beer. 
2. Women are locked in a constant battle with their weight/body shape/hairstyle. 
3. Career success is entirely based on your ability to impress your boss. 
4. Mums are often harassed but NEVER depressed/unable to cope. 
5. Any act of male stupidity (e. g. walking across a clean floor in muddy boots, putting the dog in the dishwasher, etc.) will be met with a wry smile, not genuine annoyance/anger. 
6. Married men will flirt with other, younger women but NEVER act upon it. 
7. Anyone with a scientific career will have a bad haircut and dreadful clothes. 
8. If you work for the emergency services, you are a better person than the general population. 
9. Elderly relatives NEVER suffer from senile dementia. 
10. Scandinavians are, without exception, blonde and beautiful. 
11. Women have jobs they never do in real life, e. g. dockworker (who looks like a model). 
12. Children will not eat fruit or vegetables. Ever. 
13. Both men and women find driving deeply pleasurable, never boring or stressful. 
14. Men are inherently lazy/slobbish; women are the reverse. 
15. Chocolate, however, will cause women to immediately fall into the languor of the opium eater. 
16. High Street bank staff are (A) friends of the customers, and (B) of slightly above-average attractiveness (only if female). 
17. Modern men own a cat. 
18. Hot beverages have miraculous rejuvenating effects. 
19. Professional people have strangely trivial preoccupations, e. g. a female barrister who is morbidly obsessed with finding a healthy snack bar. 
20. All women (except stay-at-home housewives) have interesting and enjoyable careers. 
21. Any over-the-counter medical product will work instantly and 100% effectively. 
22. Children know more than adults. 
23. Women never merely hop in and out of the shower, instead preferring to act out some sort of soapy Dance of the Seven Veils. 
24. School is a happy experience for all children. 
25. Tortilla chips are the most exciting experience any group of young people can experience. 
26. Playing bingo is THE number one pastime among 18-25 year old British women. 
27. Shop staff always greet you with a smile and answers your questions in a professional manner.
28. All dogs are happy and stupid. All cats have impeccable taste.
29. Mothers never ever shout at their offspring, and have endless patience. 
30. Chocolate bars come out of hand bags/top pockets facing forwards, pause for a moment on their journey upwards in the half in/half out state (of hand bag/top pocket) and finally they are opened, perfectly, by simply pulling at the top outermost corner of the wrapping.
31. People who talk to the viewer never seem to be noticed by the people around them (i. e. their family, friends, co-workers).
32. If you have dyed red hair you are glamorous and sexy. If you have natural red hair then by all accounts you have a problem.
33. Cat food smells delicious to humans.
34. Bars are not sweaty, smoky places with very drunk people in them
35. Shaving is always performed to music, semi-naked and accompanied by a blonde woman in a towel.
36. Young people always live in fantastic flats.
37. You only ever wash one item at a time in your washing machine.
38. It's possible to take great photos with a camera phone.
39. Pieces of chewing gum only ever fall from their packet in pairs into the hands of the gum eater.
40. It is totally acceptable and quite normal behaviour to go around kissing babies' bottoms.
41. Soldiering is portrayed as being on a challenging outward-bound course
42. Any advert so obscure that you have no idea what it is about will be revealed to be a car advert in the final half-second.
43. Black people don't exist - or at least they don't buy anything.
44. Women suffer from constipation, men suffer from piles.
45. People with regional accents are always friendly and helpful.
46. Buying a sofa will not only improve your life beyond measure, it'll also make you and your family beautiful.
47. Teenage "sufferers" of acne will only ever have one completely invisible spot, for which they will apply a product which will not only clear the spot, but also miraculously solve all other social issues they might be having. 
48. Slim, young, sexy, beautiful women are invariably and inexplicably married to frumpy, dumpy, pudgy - and quite often balding - middle-aged men. 
49. If senior women are smiling and dancing they must be wearing an adult diaper.
50. Cars never sound like cars revving and changing gear, but the gentle sound of a hollow breeze. 
51. Cats are always fed by women.
52. All people are heterosexual.
53. All vicars look like twits.
54. Married women are *nearly* sexy. (I believe there is an ad industry formula for this.) 
55. Dogs in adverts never sniff your crotch.
56. Andie McDowell never ages.
57. Carol Vordeman knows everything.
58. Everything is or will be great
59. Technology works.

455-
Good Advice ...
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to switch tracks, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog poos in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS. Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS. Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degree angle, wrapped in a baby mattress, in case they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS. Avoid time-consuming job interviews by immediately tossing 90 per cent of the applicants' CVs into the bin.
MEN. When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR THIEVES. Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS. Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
JEREMY Beadle. When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men. Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS. Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S. Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

456-
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P. F. N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELETTE A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. 

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Household Tips
Avoid rice from sticking together by boiling each grain separately. Use four saucepans simultaneously to speed up the process.
When buying fruit by the pound, buy grapes instead of apples. Apples are much heavier.
String dipped in tomato sauce makes perfect reusable spaghetti for kids who don't like spaghetti. My kids never touch the stuff and don't realize I've been serving them up the same bowl of string for over a year now.
Planning vacations is half the fun. So why not stay at home this year and plan two. Just as much fun and it costs absolutely nothing.
Take the leg work out of shopping by simply standing by the supermarket check-out and removing any items you require from other people's trolleys when they are not looking.
Whilst watching TV soaps, blink alternately with one eye and then the other. This way you'll never miss a second. Studies show that you probably miss up to an hour of your favourite programmes each year due to normal blinking..
Keep all your CDs in the wrong cases. If a burglar steals them, at least he'll have the unenviable task of sorting them all out before he can sell them.
A drop of cooking oil outside a mouse hole will help get rid of the pesky rodents. When they next appear they will slip over onto their backs, making capture that much easier.
Convince visitors that you are a cat lover by taking a razor blade to all your furniture and by littering your garden with decapitated birds.
Save money on mouthwash by spitting it back into the bottle. Replace the entire bottle once it becomes chewy.

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FRIVOLOUS LAWSUITS BY JAILBIRDS
America's jailbirds don't give up. Disappointed by the criminal justice system, this plucky lot still has faith in the civil side. Last year, the states spent $81 million defending what state attorneys general called frivolous lawsuits. Here are a few favourites:
A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a "defective haircut" by an unqualified prison barber.
A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.
A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights were violated because his packages were being returned to sender by the prison mail room... marked 'deceased'
An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could not say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its practices were secret.
An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that prison employees held for a guard leaving his job.
An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Rogain for his baldness.
An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.
An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.
A Florida Federal prison did not allow any mail into the prison containing ' a sticker' of any kind... be it a return address sticker, or a Garfield sticker. The Federal attorney maintained that PCP, or some other drug could be hidden under the sticker. In response, the inmate asked the court to consider that drugs could also be hidden under the US postage stamp. The Government lost that case !

459-
Thoughts
All Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets.
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
Enjoy Life! Eat Out More Often.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.
Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Ignore the dog. Watch out for the owner.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation... I wonder if that means...?
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.
Coffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are better rich.
Who do you want to talk to: 1) the man is charge or 2) the woman who really knows what's going on?
If life is like a bowl of cherries, then I'm living in the pits!
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I'm not going.
If you scratch your rear, don't bite your fingernails.
Eating prunes gives you a good run for your money.
If you live in a glass house, you should change clothes in the basement.
Fart in church, and you'll sit in your own pew.
Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds.
I don't know what I want, but I do know I don't have it.
Once you've climbed the ladder of success, you're over the hill.
There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits.
Two wrongs do not make a right ... but three lefts do.
Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter.
The screw up fairy has visited us again.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Chaos, panic and disorder - my work is done here.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheque.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.
Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.
I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a pay check.
When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
My reality check bounced.
If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.
My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning. Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
No one pays attention until you make a mistake.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
Stamp Out Crime. Abolish the IRS.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I'm not rude. You're just insignificant.
If I save time, when do I get it back?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.
I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

460-
Never hit anyone bigger than you because it's not nice, and you will get the shit beaten out of you.

461-
Things That Only Happen in Movies
Any computer system can be hacked in 60 seconds.
Phones always ring during a break in conversation... and the call is always relevant to the scene... and there's no call-waiting.
No one ever thinks of a better comeback to an insult the next day.
If you meet someone and arrange to go on a date, you'll offer to pick them up tomorrow at eight, but never exchange addresses or phone numbers.
Rogues are always lovable and endearing.
All combat is eventually resolved hand-to-hand.
The bad guys attack one at a time.
Small, fast people can beat up large, strong people.
When you punch or kick someone, they go flying across the room.
Stalking a woman makes her fall in love with you.
The dumbest, most annoying, most bumbling character will be a white male.
Breaking the rules always turns out well.
Anyone can jump a 10-foot chain-link fence with minimal effort (unless a dog is in pursuit).
Getting thrown through a window is merely a minor annoyance. Likewise falling down stairs.
All offices have windows.
95% of computers are Macs.
Cars are always clean, even if they're old and busted.
Pedestrians are never hit during a car chase.
Getting shot once anywhere by any gun will knock you down.
Old people are amazed and confused by the antics of young people.
White people are amazed and confused by the antics of black people.
Caves and tunnels will never be pitch black, but will always be lit by concealed, indirect lighting.
If you turn off the lights in a room at night, lights outside a window will turn on.
It's easy to chop off a head or limb with one blow... and to cut through armour... and to jump onto a horse while wearing armour... and to run around in armour.
Animals are invulnerable.
Kids are smarter than adults.
Kids can drive cars.
Kids can beat up adults using karate.
Kids are always good judges of character.
High school students are 25 years old... and still wear their backpacks on one shoulder.
Only bad guys smoke (these days).
Ugly people are just beautiful people with dumpy clothes and bad haircuts.

462-
Things You'll Never Hear In A Real Cowboy Movie
1. Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution.
2. Can we postpone this shoot-out 'til 12:05? I gotta use the little cowboys' room.
3. Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!
4. Y'know, Badlands Pete, a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breezes, just you 'n' me... What say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?
5. Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!
6. Let's see, hardtack and pemmican. That's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two carbs.
7. You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue.
8. That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!
9. He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration.
10. Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?
11. It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge.
12. HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! Okay, now a little to the left. Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!

463-
Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeball to the asshole? It is called the Anal Optic Nerve. It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

464-
To All The Kids Who Survived The 1950's, 60's, 70's, 80's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drink with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because
We were always outside playing!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O. K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms.......... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given cowboy guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
The town football club had tryout for the junior team and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

465-
You know you are in DEEP TROUBLE when...
The stewardess on your American Airlines flight tells 'you' NOT to fasten your seatbelt.
Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Panama.
You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your late car payment.
The little league puts you on waivers.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DEA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
You see the cruise captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
They pay your wages out of petty cash.
You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

466-
I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground.
Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade.
In this manner, He travelled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me.
And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear.
Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon.

467-
"Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct."

468-
"There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid!"

469=
Laws of the Universe
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. 
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. 
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) 
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last 
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. 
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. 
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. 

470-
True Tales 

Our college just completed a new three-story building. While walking down a hall on the 2nd floor, I overheard two students say, "I really like the skylights on the 3rd floor." "Me too," remarked the second student. "I don't know why they didn't just put some on the 2nd floor too."

My fiddle teacher was teaching a large group class. She showed them her violin and said, "This violin was made in the early 1800s." Someone in the audience raised their hand and asked, "So you got it used?"

A few years back, I was in high school and we were celebrating Holy Week
(the week before Easter) and we were watching a presentation on the last few days of Jesus. The teacher used a clip from the movie "Jesus of Nazareth" to make his point. As we were watching Jesus carry his cross, a girl in my class asked, "Is this live footage?"

I work as a computer technician for a large retail chain, servicing customer's computers. One day I answer the phone, and the Individual asks, "Do you guys sell Ethernet cables?" I said that we do, and he asks, "How much is it?" I asked, "How long do you want it?" He responded, "Um, a while I guess. I want to buy it." I said, "No, I mean how long as in the length of the cable." This elicited total silence on his end, so I informed him that we sell a 7-foot cable for $24.99. He asked, "When do I have to return it?" I told him to keep it as long as he likes.

My Kentuckian sister-in-law's young daughter recently married a Mexican immigrant. They promptly had their first child. Sometime after the birth, a doctor walked into the recovering mom's hospital room and mentioned that the baby's white blood cell count was high. My sister-in-law asked, "Does that mean she will be more white than Mexican?" This is a true story.

While waiting in line at the Delta Gate to get my seat assignment, I overheard an elderly lady in front of me trying to get a seat assignment. When the clerk asked if she wanted a window or aisle seat the old lady exclaimed "OH! Please don't put me by the window! I just had my hair done!"

While visiting relatives in Oregon I commented to my cousin how much later sunset was compared to my home in California. She said she was surprised, since we both lived the same distance from the ocean. I asked her what the distance from the ocean had to do with it. She said it was because that's where the sun sets.

My teacher was having a discussion with our class about what we did for Christmas. One guy said he got himself a deer when he went hunting. My teacher, the clever punster, said that he got a "dear" too, only this was the kind with TWO legs. The class laughed. Then one moron in back raised her hand and asked, "Did you shoot it anyway?"

A newly hired manager confessed that he was considering getting a second job in order to pay off his wife's huge cell phone bill. When asked why she went so far over her monthly time allocation, his response was that when she bought her cell phone, they told her that weekends and evening time was free. Since she works an odd schedule -- Sunday through Thursday -- she assumed that Fridays counted as her "weekend day." So she used the phone the entire time as she drove to and from Las Vegas. (4 hours, each direction, at 45 cents per minute).

My husband is a police officer and was training some of his guys at the shooting range. They were hanging the paper targets when one guy said, "Hey, why don't we hang 3 at a time and just tear the top one off each time, that way we don't have to keep hanging them."

471-
American Papers Explained
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crosswords.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

472-
BAD HEADLINES
* Deer Kill 17,328 (they are finally getting even)
* New Vaccine may Contain Rabies
* Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
* Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty (OJ's Lawyer??)
* Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide (NO WAY)
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half ( That will teach them)
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (Crime doesn't pay)
* Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty (Finally a politician who is realistic)
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found (Ironic isn't it?)

473-
ENTERTAINMENT HELPFUL HINTS
1. When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all the place mats match, or, at the very least, that they all come from the same fast-food restaurant.
2. Entertaining in your backyard? The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who's muscular and shirtless.
3. My favourite party game is "Pin the Cleanup on the Guests."
4. Nothing in the world is quite so entertaining as pouring old milk into new containers before having guests over.
5. A good host must always be a STICKLER for attractive food presentation! I always take the foil COMPLETELY OFF the TV dinner before serving.
6. Getting your home in tiptop shape for a party can be fun if you think of it as kicking dust bunnys!
7. Take short cuts! I used to offer my guests instant coffee. They kept whining for hot water to go with it.
8. The best way to prepare a roast is to make an aluminium foil tent over your roasting pan. Similarly, the best way to prepare for relatives is to pitch a tent in the backyard and stay there until they leave.
9. When decorating for a party, be creative with regular household items. Some people might just see a mouldy shower curtain with torn eyelets. What do I see? A new tablecloth.
10. The better you cook, the more likely your guests will return. Which is why I'm not usually too hot in the kitchen.

474-
Why the Internet Is Like a Vagina:
The more people use it the bigger it gets.
If you play with it too much you can go blind.
You wouldn't believe the things people put in there!
Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory.
It provides a way to interact with other people.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish.
The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behaviour. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers.

475-
What Is The Internet ? - A FAQ For Beginners
Q. What's a FAQ ?
A. This text is.. it means "Frequently Asked Questions"
Q. Oh, so it's not a dirty word then ?
A. No, - it just sounds a bit like one.
Q. So, What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government, business, and private computer systems.
Q. Who runs it?
A. A 12-year-old named Kevin.
Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial "on-line" services, such as AOL, CompuServe, Netscape Online, BT Internet, etc, etc, which will give you their program disks for free. Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install their programs on your computer when you're sleeping. They are really desperate for your business with them.
Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A.The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly" interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no previous computer experience -- to provide the on-line services with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card
bill forever.
Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.
Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.
Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying for years to cancel our on-line service accounts, but no matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.
Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anaesthetic, because it really hurts.
Q. No, I mean What if my children also use my Internet account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to the on-line service right now.
Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected to an on-line service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end to the number of things you can do!
Q. Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.
Q. Chat?
A. Chat.
Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!
Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will l know their real identities.
Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes -- you could be talking to almost anybody on the Internet!
Q. Really?
A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc.
Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace, every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women -- or to other 13-year-old boys. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (Do not read this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery.)
LilBrisket: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What's going on?
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket: No
Toadster: Nope
Lungftook: Sorry
(LONGISH PAUSE)
UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook: Hi Uvula
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UvulaBob: What's happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
UvulaBob: No.
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
Toadster: 'bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob: So long, L
(LONGISH PAUSE)
PolypMaster: Hi everybody
LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster: Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob: Hi, P
PolypMaster: What's going on?
LilBrisket: Not much
Toadster: Pretty quiet
UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...
And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas.
Q. I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat areas to have "cybersex." What exactly is that?
A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy messages to each other, back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter, faster and faster and hotter and harder and harder until OHHHH GODDDDDDDD they suddenly find that they have a bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift.
Q. That's disgusting!
A. Yes.
Q. Could you give an example?
A. Certainly
Born2Bone: I want you NOW
HunniBunni: I want YOU now
Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes
HunniBunni: Yes! YES!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes
HunniBunni: OH YESSSS
(LONGISH PAUSE)
HunniBunni: Is something wrong?
Born2Bone: I can't unhook your brassiere
HunniBunni: I'll do it
Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching your, umm, your...
HunniBunni: Copious bosoms?
Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! I'm touching them!
HunniBunni: YES!
Born2Bone: Both of them!
HunniBunni: YESSS!!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties!
HunniBunni: You already did.
Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching your entire nakedness!
HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
Born2Bone: No
HunniBunni: No
Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!
HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU ARE MY GREAT BIG RAGING BULL STALLION
Wazootyman: Hey, thanks
HunniBunni: Not you
Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGING BULL STALLION, AND I AM THRUSTING MY ... MY ... ummm ...
HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst?
Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST INTO YOUR ... YOUR...
HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh?
Born2Bone: Yes
HunniBunni: My passion persimmon
Born2Bone: Ha ha!
HunniBunni: You promised!
Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION PERSIMMON!
HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!
Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!!
HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEEL YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!!
Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ...
HunniBunni: Like what?
Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ... OHMIGOD ...
HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELS LIKE!!
Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I BREAK A TIE VOTE IN THE SENATE!
HunniBunni: What did you say?
Born2Bone: Whoops
HunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie vote in the Senate?
Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ...
HunniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al? ISN'T IT?? YOU JERK!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ATTENDING A STATE FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!!
Born2Bone: Tipper?
HunniBunni: Whoops
Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet?
A. You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein people, by posting messages, discuss political topics of the day.
Q. Like what?
A. Barry Manilow.
Q. There's a forum for Barry Manilow?
A. There's a forum for everything.
Q. What happens on these forums?
A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans post messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans respond by posting messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And then sometimes the forum is invaded by people posting messages about how much they hate Barry Manilow, which in turn leads to angry counter messages and vicious name-calling that can go on for months.
Q. Just like junior high school!
A. But even more pointless.
Q. Are there forums about sex?
A. Zillions of them.
Q. What do people talk about on those?
A. Barry Manilow.
Q. No, really.
A. OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all titillating. Often you'll find highly scientific discussions that expand the frontiers of human understanding.
Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
A. Indeed it is.

476-
Immutable Laws (which cannot be avoided)
When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)
A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)
When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban)
Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law)
When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten to do something. (Cheney's second corollary)
When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law)
If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas)
Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence)
You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling)
Whenever one wants to connect with the internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)
If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland)
The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed)
The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop)
Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause the phone to ring. (Law of ohmy gad)
Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of ogolly gee!)"
Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo. (The donking principle)
After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of fatal irreversibility)
Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of de lay)
Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway." (Theory of absolute certainty)

477-
Stupid things people do
To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number. 
To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria, who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved on to intercourse ... but complained when the pair lit up post-coital cigarettes in a non smoking compartment. 

478-
New Rule: 
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. 
It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." 
The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just a chav.

479-
Funny English Definitions for the Dyslexic 
Antelope (v): to run off with your mother’s sister.
Assassination (n): an arrangement to meet a donkey.
Baptist (n): a junior hamburger chef.
Basket (n): a short nap in the sun.
Circumstantial (n): circumcision on a really big baby.
Collonade (n): fizzy enema.
Defence (n): something to sit on for people who can’t make up their minds.
Diarrhoea (n) a very unattractive bottom. 
Dictator (n): hilariously shaped, edible tuber.
Dipthong (v): to wash a lady's undergarment. 
Diversion (n): Princess of Wales' version of the events that led to her divorce.
Dumpling (n): small lump of excrement. 
Gastronome (n): small person prone to excess wind.
Harbinger (n): hard drinker.
Hatchet (n): small, bird droppings that fall from the sky.
Headband (n): top of the bill at a rock concert.
Hormone (n): the sound a prostitute makes when she's not been paid.
Hobnob (n): cooking accident often suffered by nudists. 
Homophobe (n): strong dislike of The Simpsons. 
Honeydew (n: women who regularly arrive late for appointments. 
Induction (n): induced labour in a duck.
Innuendo (n): Italian suppository. 
Intercontinental (n): person who has wet themselves all over the world.
Labiate (v): perform cunnilingus.
Laminate (v): to artificially inseminate a sheep. 
Limpet (n): male who has trouble getting an erection.
Lobster (n): colloquial term for a female who ejaculates during orgasm.
Mantrap (n): sexual favour used by women to obtain money from men.
Mastiff (n): mass erections induced by watching pornography.
Menopause (n): break in conversation to allow men to get a word in edgeways
Minjita (n) (slang): an Indian lesbian
Misfit (n): an attractive young woman
Mislay (n): a brazen or promiscuous young woman.
Morbific (n): excessively violent
Multilingual (n): Engaging in cunnilingus with multiple partners.
Negligent (n): cross-dresser.
Ostentatious: Make and model of a pre-war British luxury car. 
Outage (n): process of exposing a Gay politician.
Propaganda (n): a wooden support for one-legged male geese. 
Rapscallion (n): Black, American spring onion. 
Rectitude (n): Precise angle at which a rectal thermometer should be inserted. 
Reflex (v): renew wiring to an electrical appliance.
Restitution (n): sanatorium for lactating women
Skulduggery (n): archaeological excavation.
Snuff box (n): slang term for a coffin. 
Spade (n): Small surgical tool for removing ovaries. 
Testator (n): a male who is constantly adjusting his genitalia
Titillate (n): delayed onset of female puberty
Titular (n & adj): Busty woman
Vagrant: (n): confused insect
Willy-nilly (n): male who continually catches their penis in their zipper.

480-
I’m not a racist.........................................................I’ve got a colour TV.

481-
PCisms (Politically Correct Terminology)
aesthetically challenged - ugly
amphibian American - frog
anal-cranially inverted - butthead
aquatically challenged - drowning
biologically challenged - dead
blubber lovers - whaler
bovine control officers - Dallas Cowboys
Caucasian Culturally-Disadvantaged - white trash
career challenging opportunity - layoffs
career re-direction - layoffs
certified astrological consultant - crackpot
certified crystal therapist - crackpot
certified past-life regression
hypnotist - crackpot
chemically challenged - drug addict
chronologically gifted - old
client of the correctional system - prisoner
codependent - finger-pointer
constructivist- feminist
psychotherapy - psychobabble
creatively re-dyed - stained
cutbacks - layoffs
cyclically challenged - having PMS
differently organized - messy
differently-brained - stupid
domestic engineer - housewife
downsizing - layoffs
economically disadvantaged - welfare bum
economically marginalized - poor
employment opportunity certificate - layoff notice
employment opportunity correction - jobs phased out with layoffs
employment opportunity warning - threat of layoffs
energy-efficient - off
environmentally correct human - dead
equal opportunity employee - bisexual hooker
erectionally challenged - impotent
ethnically homogenous area - ghetto or barrio
facially challenged - ugly
factually unencumbered - ignorant
fecally plenary - full of crap
female gender biased - likes women who shave their legs
financially inept - poor
flight attendant - stewardess
folically independent - bald
follower of Jimmy Swaggert - lost
genetically discriminating - racist
geological correction - earthquake
gerontologically advanced - old
government employee - stupid
grammatically challenged - one who has difficulties with grammar or (by extension) punctuation or spelling
gravitationally challenged - fat
horizontally challenged - thin
horizontally gifted - fat
human assets correction - layoffs
human resources correction - layoffs
in denial - unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened
in recovery - drunk/junkie
intellectually impaired - stupid
law enforcement officer - policeman
living impaired - dead
maintenance hole - man-hole
male gender biased - prefers men who shave their chests
mechanically challenged - broken down automobile
melanin-impoverished - white
metabolically challenged - dead
microslothically Challenged - Windows user
monetarily challenged - poor
morally (ethically) challenged - a crook
morally handicapped - someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zone
most males - laid off
motivationally dispossessed - lazy
musically delayed - tone deaf
nasally disadvantaged - really BIG nose
nasally gifted - runny nose
nasally gifted - large nose
nitpicklike - humour challenged
one who is PC - target practice
ontologically challenged - fictional or mythological
osmotically challenged - Thirsty
other aged - too old/young (dual purpose)
outdoor urban dwellers - homeless
parking enforcement aduciator - meter maid
people of height - too tall
person of region - redneck
person of substance - fat
persons living with entropy - dead
persons of large stature - NY Giants
petroleum transfer technician - gas station attendant
photonically non-receptive - blind
racially challenged - butt-white American
residentially flexible - homeless
rhythmically challenged - white boy
romantically challenged - not with somebody at the moment
rustically inclined - redneck
sanitation engineer - garbage man
selectively perceptive - insane
sex care provider - prostitute
sexually focused chronologically
gifted individual - dirty old man
socially challenged - geek or nerd
socially separated - convict
spacially perplexed - drunk
street activity index - crime rate
structurally challenged - broken
suffering from a sex addiction (female) - slut
suffering from a sex addiction (male) - stud
target equity group - vocal minority
the absolute root of all evil known in the multidimensional infinity of reality - white male
uniquely coordinated - clumsy
uniquely fortuned individual on an alternative career path - loser
verbally challenged - mute, dumb
vertically challenged - short
youth group - gang

482-
In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards this year are, once again, truly classic.
These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains or estate of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Just think...until these events, these same people were walking the streets like normal people.

5th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 
22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said.
Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump alley and removed some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

4th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

3rd RUNNER-UP:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd RUNNER-UP:
"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it. It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off,
Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

1st RUNNER-UP:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimetre to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, upon landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen. You win. And some more idiots have been removed from the gene pool.

483-
"Things To Remember"
To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.
When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider dating outside the family.
A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can provide us with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it comes with a persistent burning sensation, see your physician.
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.

484-
Mistakes From New English Language Students
"In some countries, you should only drink the water that a tourist already drank. Maybe it will taste bad, but it will not have poison."
"My father is a highly rank government official."
"This morning, I was walking outside, when suddenly a big shower fell on me!"
"We won two gold medals, one silver, and four blonds!"
"Please execute me for being late."
"I never liked mushrooms, but lately they are starting to grow in me."
"Such behaviour will result in immediately being exploded from the university."
"The groom was wearing a very nice croissant."
"My landlord gave me a one year contraction. It will be over soon."
"I can usually know when he is lying because he starts to breed a little faster."
"I don't know if he will propose, but I am expecting."
"Last night, when I ate dinner, I started joking. My friend hit my back very hard until I stopped. I was so lucky I was there!"

485-
Money-saving tip
When the ice cream van comes around playing its tune tell your kids that means all the ice cream has been sold.

486-
Metaphors
20> His body was hard -- not hard like Milosevic, the Serbian strongman, but hard like the marble on your shower floor, when you fall and bang your knee.
19> Her shoulders heaved like the tiny sobs of Snuggles the cat being run through with a roasting spit.
18> Her embrace made his manhood swell like week-old roadkill on hot asphalt in the Georgia sun.
17> Her petticoats dropped to the ground, rustling like a cockroach in a sugar bowl.
16> As she kissed her way down his manly chest, he felt his Amalgamated Crane Company stock increasing in value.
15> Beatrice was on him like a piranha on a corn dog.
14> ...then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the windshield of a Porsche on the Autobahn.
13> Her breasts heaved like a stormy ocean, and her pointed nipples were like hypodermics washed up on the shore.
12> With his broad shoulders and slim waist, he was a yield sign-- yet she could NOT!
11> He tore open her blouse like a Publisher's Clearing House letter in which he, and some guy named Steven Bouber from Stockton, California, were potential finalists for the ten million dollar prize.
10> His manhood stood at full attention, stiff and stony like the vice president.
9> Sleekly malevolent, driven by a violent hunger, Donovan glided through the chum-filled waters of the singles bar, oblivious to the remora of Annabelle's adoring gaze.
8> Like the wind, she ran, her breasts lurching like a motor boat over a wake, and then, as fluid as a fine imported transmission, she whipped out her man-organ and pissed away his dreams.
7> Her sun-glazed back formed a golden arch as he moved his face toward her happy meal.
6> With each breath, her chest heaved like a bulimic after Thanksgiving dinner.
5> He Beatty-ed her shamelessly, making her squeal like Ned and hallucinate like Warren.
4> He awoke my slumbering womanhood with his double tall loin latte. "Starbuck!" I cried.
3> His chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool.
2> Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a helpless dust bunny in the roaring cacophony of his gas-powered leaf blower.
1> His finger, weathered and rough from years on the ranch, danced in and out of his nose like a slimy ballerina.

487-
There are three types of people in the world: 
(1) Those who make things happen... 
(2) Those who watch things happen... 
(3) Those who say, "What the fuck just happened?!"

488-
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.
Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency and a concatenated consistency.
Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descants and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.
Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy and vain vapid verbosity.
If you're really interested, the above means: "Be brief and don't use big words!"

489-
The Internet is like a penis
It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behaviour. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

490-
Definitions 
ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing.
ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end.
CANNIBAL - One who is apt to pass his best friend.
CHIVALRY - A man's inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.
CONSCIENCE - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.
CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold.
COOKIE - A virgin doughnut.
DANCE - A Naval engagement without the loss of seamen.
DIVORCE - What happens when two people cannot stomach each other any longer.
DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket.
DIARY - Book of revelations.
DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped.
ENEMA - A goose with a gush.
EXPLORATION - Beating around the bush.
FATHER'S DAY - Nine months before labour day.
GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows.
GIGOLO - The egg that laid the golden Goose.
GLAMOUR GIRL - a much publicized young thing who is full of oomf, and frequently full of other things; one who doesn't worry about the meat shortage.
HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses.
HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed.
KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night.
HUNG CHOW - Chinese constipation.
A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.
MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ.
METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.
MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.
MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.
MOTHER'S DAY - Nine months after father's day.
DONKEY BARBECUE- Where everybody gets a piece of ass.
NUN - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none.
NURSE - A pan handler.
NURSERY - A place to park last year's fun until it grows up a bit.
PAPOOSE - Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket.
PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie.
PREGNANCY - When a woman is all swelled up from her mate's handiwork.
RHUMBA - An asset to music.
SECRETARY - A stenographer who watches her periods.
SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't.
SISSY - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.
SPRING FEVER - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.
STORK - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies.
TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals.
TOMCAT - A ball bearing mouse trap.
TRIPLETS - Having to take seriously what was poked at you in fun.
VICE - Anything you enjoy that is bad for you.
VIRGINITY - A bubble on the stream of life, one prick and it's gone forever.
VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder.

491-
Daft Definitions
The one who snores will fall asleep first. 
I had an Iraqi Curry last night and since then I've had the Shi-ites 
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes. 
Fools rush in where fools have been before. 
To avoid duplication, make three copies. 
It's called "take home" pay because you can't afford to go anywhere else with it. 
Success is relative -- the greater the success, the more relatives. 
The slower you work, the fewer mistakes you make. 
If at first you succeed, try to hide your astonishment. 
You must have learned from others' mistakes. You haven't had time to think all those up yourself. 
People like criticism -- just keep it positive and flattering. 
It's OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound. 
Worry kills more people than work because more people worry than work. 
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 
When you're getting kicked from behind, that means you're in front. 
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors. 
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 
The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do. 
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. 
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
The world is full of willing people -- some willing to work and some willing to let them. 
Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done. 
A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers. 
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 
Most people deserve each other.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding. 
Never get overly excited about a man or woman by just the way they look from behind. 
If you can't see light at the end of the tunnel, You're in the wrong tunnel. 
I could never lead a double life. I don't have that much closet space. 
If practice makes perfect, how do you explain taxi drivers? 
I'm going through an awkward stage. You know, the one between birth and death. 
They say the dog is man's best friend. I don't believe that. How many of your friends have you had neutered? 
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder 
I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
One nice thing about egotists ... they don't talk about other people.
I heard Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic !!!. 
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder. 
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat? 
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. 
"Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life." 
The Bible tells us to love our neighbours. It also warns us to love our enemies. This is probably because they are generally the same people. 
Dyslexics of the world - untie! 
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good... spit it out.

492-
MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON 
Written from Central Spain, August 1812 
Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters. 
We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. 
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and nine pence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are at war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. 
This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: 
1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance... 
2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. 
Your most obedient servant, Wellington 

493-
"Cured ham? No thanks, pal. Cured of what? What if it has a relapse on my plate?" 

494-
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year!

495-
Top Ten Marketing Mistakes
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhoea." 
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market, which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la," meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "Ko-kou-ko-le," translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen's marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you," Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

496-
** LITTLE KNOWN ILLNESSES **
AFROPHOBIA Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles (or the Jackson Five).
DEJA FLU The feeling that one has had this cold before.
HYPOCOINDRIA Fear of not having correct change.
HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.
HERPES CINEPLEX Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.
VISACARDITIS The heart-stopping sensation brought on by ex ceeding your credit limit.
ALPOPLEXY Canine feeding disorder.
STREISAND-BROLIN SYNDROME Excessive displays of affection.
SONSTROKE An attack during the reading of a will.
OREOPOROSIS Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk

497-
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

498-
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

499-
Q. Why did the boy fall off the swing? A. He didn't have any arms.
Q. What's grey, sits at the bed and takes the piss? A. A kidney dialysis machine.
Q. What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair? A. Cunt Stubble.
Q. Why do only 10% of women go to heaven? A. Because if they all went, it would be hell.
Q. What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?" A. A blind person with a Rubik cube.
Q. Why did God invent yeast infection? A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying c*nt.
Q. Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar? A. They went outside to exchange blows.
Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him? A. He came home shit faced.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea? A. An itchy cock.
Q. Why are roach clips called roach clips? A. Because "pot holder" was already taken.
Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant? A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...
Q. Why do women have arms? A. Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby? A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
Q. Why are hangovers better than women? A. Hangovers will go away.
Q. What's the difference between a 'Spice Girls' video and a porn video? A. The porn video has better music!
Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend? A. You can drop her off where ever you want!
Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life? A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything!
Q. What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back? A. A police horse.
Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs? A. An elephant with diarrhoea.
Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny? A. Her lipstick
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass? A. A Mechanic.
Q. What's brown and sits on a piano bench? A. Beethoven's First Movement.
Q. Why do women wear black underwear? A. They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.
Q. What two words will clear out a men's changing room quicker than anything else? A. Nice dick!
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant? A. Dress her up as an altar boy
Q. Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks? A. Better traction.
Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps? A. So they don't whistle on the way down.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge? A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!
Q. How does a faggot fake an orgasm? A. Spit on his partners back.
Q. Do you know what a woman sounds like when she is having an orgasm? A. Who cares.

500-
Top Oxymorons ... 
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline Food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas
Christian Scientists
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
And the Number one top oxymoron: Microsoft Works

501-
A few years ago, Charlie Brown and the PEANUTS gang made a new friend who developed leukaemia in an animated special entitled, WHY, CHARLIE BROWN, WHY?
Recently, Metropolitan Life Assurance Company has put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the PEANUTS gang dealing with such issues as the loss of a loved one, writing a will, and dealing with a permanent disability. Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues, how about some PEANUTS specials for the kids of the '90s?
We could learn about V.D. in, IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN.
Chuck and the Little Red-Headed Girl find out about unwanted pregnancy in, IT'S BLUE, CHARLIE BROWN!
Is Linus gay? Find out in, IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN
Explore the real problems of child abuse in America in, YOU MADE ME DO THAT, CHARLIE BROWN!
See how the PEANUTS gang deals with date rape in, NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!
Discover a father's forbidden love in, IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN.
Franklin speaks The PEANUTS gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in, IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN!
What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego Mr. Clean in, GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN.
Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing Social Security checks and boosting automobiles in GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN!

502-
TOP TIPS
LADY DRIVERS. Draw a little diagram on a Post-it showing the position of the hand brake and gearstick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green.
BRITISH ARMY. Ensure confusion amongst your troops by charging them 30p for a bottle of Becks in Hohne Garrison, Germany, then make them sit through a 30 minute lecture on the dangers of alcohol the day after a heavy session.
DOG OWNERS. Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.
PHILANTHROPISTS. Be careful when giving street alcoholics money for 'a cup of tea', as some of the less scrupulous ones may be tempted to spend it on strong liquor.
TEENAGERS. Make sure your dad doesn't find out you've been watching his porn films by not whistling the theme tune to Emmanuelle at the dinner table.
FATTIES. Take a tip from smokers and stop your cravings for chips by Sellotaping a crisp to the top of your arm each morning.
SUPERMARKETS. Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through.
WEIGHT watchers. After reaching your ideal weight, maintain it by weighing yourself before and after a dump. The weight difference is the amount of food you can eat before having another dump.
PUBLIC toilet users. When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer.
CONVINCE bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.
SHOE BOMBERS. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.
DRUNKEN drivers. When making your way home from a night out, put 'L' plates on your car to convince patrol-ling police that any careless driving is the result of inexperience rather than drink. How you explain a 3am driving lesson is up to you.
AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days.
OLD people. Ensure a good fight at your wake by leaving a valuable antique in your will to a distant relative, whilst promising it to a closer relative verbally before you die.
SHOPPERS When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.
NEW Zealand tax inspectors. Save time by scrapping the section on the IR3 form asking people to declare 'income from illegal enterprises' as it is unlikely to elicit a great deal of response.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
TIGHT- arsed blokes. At this time of year, only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will probably have packed you in.
FELLAS. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guard's uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm test button and voila! A free grope!
LEPRECHAUNS. Protect your finances by investing in a tracker fund, rather than relying on an ailing currency and leaving a 300foot technicolour arrow in the sky pointing to where you have hidden it. 
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned
BARE patches on your lawn? Simply stop mowing a patch at the side and let it grow to a significant length. Then, with a rake, sweep it over the bare patch like Sir Bobby Charlton and TV's Robert Robinson do, to create a realistic look of healthy growth.
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. 
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged. 
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
LADIES When invited to a Buckingham Palace garden party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the Queen will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.
DEAF PEOPLE Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ONE ARMED men. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.
A SIMPLE check that your wife has not accidentally left Flash Toilet Wipes on top of the cistern instead of the usual Andrex moist bum wipes will avoid cross words and marital discord.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
IMPOTENT MEN Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the internet. Just let your wife think you don't fancy her.
BI-CURIOUS men. Go to a male doctor and complain of rectal bleeding. The resultant erotic anal probe will be a safe way to find out whether gayness is really for you.

503-
I do not like country music, but I do not denigrate anyone who does. 
For those people that do like country music, denigrate means put down.

504-
To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist. 

505-
Some phrases are only used when they are untrue.
"I'm not racist, but ..."
"I'm sure I ..."
"I don't want to contradict you..."
"With all due respect"
"Far be it from me ... "
"It goes without saying..."
"... not to mention ..."
"No offence"
"Oh no, I couldn't possibly"
"Oh go on then - just one."
"I shan't make this a long speech."
"Nothing, darling."
"Serves 4"
"I'm no prude, but ..."
"Family planning"
"Network upgrade"
"Care in the community"
"Back in 5 min"
"I'll just put you on hold for a moment."
"Congratulations! You have been specially chosen/selected ..."

506-
Got my phone bill the other day ... What ever happened to free speech?

507-
Boys Names
Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff.
Able - totally useless.
Adam - not very bright and not very pretty, has almost mastered hygiene.
Adrian - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.
Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women.
Alex - cute and tall but a liar and a cheat.
Alistair - likes being tied up, and really enjoys playing with train sets 
Amir - dirty, smelly, pecker is minuscule. Bad diet.
Andrew - Highly intelligent and wears a kilt. Poor standards of hygiene. Homicidal tendencies.
Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain. Looks in the mirror too much.
Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of wee.
Arnold - loser.
Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.
Avenir - reads too many fantasy books, wears armour to bed.
Baron - Reads SAS books, wants to go out and shoot something or somebody.
Barry - lights fires, pinches girl's bottoms and is well hung.
Barnaby - very big, very strong and very gentle, cries a lot.
Ben - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games.
Bill - thinks he's really popular, thinks all the girls want him ...he's wrong.
Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.
Brad - short and squat, has bad breath.
Braden - Drop out and doesn't care, will set record for longest employee at McDonalds.
Brandon - good looking but uses girls. Not very academic.
Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.
Brett - worldwide slut and really insensitive, women love him.
Brian - mean and only thinks of himself, he's just a very naughty boy.
Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell.
Bronsen - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name.
Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.
Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week.
Callum - tall and geeky, very defensive.
Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.
Cameron - Australian. Big muscles.
Carl - horny. bastard, who can't sing.
Carlo - dark and brooding, for some unknown reason girls seem to like him!
Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.
Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies, no real person has that name.
Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together.
Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too.
Christian - Gay but very sexy and seductive.
Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.
Cliff - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial.
Clive - trainspotter ... dull as ditchwater.
Cole - nice, funny, and very stupid.
Colin - lies to women and blows up public buildings.
Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.
Craig - tries to fit in - he never does.
Crispin - Ugly homosexual. Fancies himself. Successful
Curtis - needs constant mothering and reassurance.
Damien - spawn of the devil, but in a good way.
Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.
Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics.
Danny - Wears stylish clothes and has silky womens underwear beneath them.
Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.
Daniel - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice.
Darren - charming , but sleeps with men.
Darwyn - exercises too much, favourite word Ug Daryl - pompous and 
overbearing, likes using big words that only he understands.
David - Sensible and works out a lot, loves girls named Florence.
Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter i.e. a wanker.
Dean - full of himself and thinks with his dick.
Dele - well endowed likes blondes. Looks in the mirror too much
Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot.
Derek - has a great sense of humour, and a blow-up doll collection.
Dillon - Stupid but well-built, women just use him for sex.
Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please anybody.
Don - dickhead, nobody likes him.
Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts.
Drew - bad-arse loser who never shuts up.
Duncan - hopeless ski bum, brains shot away long ago.
Dylan - thinks he's funny, falls asleep during sex.
Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.
Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get cos he's an arsehole.
Elis - would rather make model aeroplanes than have sex.
Elliott - full of himself.
Eric - shy and timid like a little mouse.
Evan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and a model mental patient.
Finn - Completely indecisive, suffers terribly with Catholic guilt.
Frank - single helix DNA and it shows.
Fraser - sucks pigs dicks & swallows the lot.
Frederick/Fred/Freddie - wants to rule the world. Loves women
Fritz - Loves playing games. Never wins.
Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight. Can't play rugby.
Gary - drug addict but willing to share.
Garry - forever fiddling with himself and wonders why no-one will shake hands.
Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men.
Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.
George - barman who drinks more than he serves.
Gerry - quiet and insecure, a doormat.
Gilbert - Morris dancer, collects antique sweet wrappers.
Glen - the sweetest guy - really down to earth. good teacher. crap in bed.
Gordon - big bloke in a dirty raincoat, kinda flashy.
Graeme - very hard to understand, likes group sex.
Graham - will screw anything.
Grahame - thinks he's better than other Grahams because he has an extra 'e'.
Grant - Short and ugly! but so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.
Greg - really sweet and feels suicidally sorry for himself.
Harry - Good at sport. Women love him. Blokes hate him.
Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs.
Haydn - tries hard, succeeds rarely.
Heinz - Likes variety in his life. in his fifties. Overweight.
Henry - dull, dull, dull, dull ... likes trains and tweed jackets, probably a science teacher.
Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography.
Howell - sings too much.
Ian - likes to stuff animals and dress up in women's clothing.
Ivor - militant psychopath with homosexual tendencies.
Izzy - circumsised, but they threw away the wrong bit.
Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk.
Jamie - Devious scum of the earth.
James - can't handle his beer, smells of mayonaisse and does wet farts.
Jarrod - Arrogant, stuck-up, pompous and annoying. Loves himself totally and has lots of mirrors.
Jason - Gayer than a pink fairy winning a trophy at the gayest pink fairy competition.
Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well. which is a problem because he has bad breath.
Jeff - really ugly.
Jerome - gay, but very unhappy.
Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.
Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on.
Jack - stupid but hot, always alright.
Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection but wanks too much.
Jimmy - Goes to the toilet twice a night, doesn't always get up for it.
Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head. Bisexual
Joel - arse.
John - has few friends and no life - tends to kill small animals.
Jon - Not too bright will end up married to a cousin.
Jolyon - absolute raving homosexual.
Jonathon - think he's good - he's shit. Looks in the mirror too much.
Jordan - sexy but weird in bed. Hung like a wildebeest.
Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.
Josh - full of himself, fun.
Julian - used to be a wooden boy, but is now almost real with a big nose.
Junior - Not very clever, but good at football.
Justin - aggravating but lovable, insecure but successful and overweight.
Kain - one of the sexiest guys alive but very stuck up.
Keegan - always has a bit of his last meal displayed on his clothes.
Kev - lager lout, wears cheap and loud clothes.
Kevin - always attracts really fit girlfriends and then loses them when they see his dick!
Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse.
Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be.
Kerry - wants to be in a boy band but he's not pretty enough.
Kirk - good looking, worries that he might be gay.
Kurt - can kick anyone's arse.
Kyle - hornball who eats too many cornchips.
Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse.
Laurey - short and funny looking.
Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit.
Levi - same as Lee only not so pretty.
Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser. Welsh 
Liam - loud mouthed arsehole.
Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold.
Lucas - fat loser that dates other men.
Luke - seems to be sweet.
Madison - so far up his own arse there's no room for his boyfriend.
Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers. And is gay!!!
Mark - Good looking and very clever. Every woman would if she could.
Marshall - Never seems to age, this is because he is in fact an anderoid!
Martin - Stud. Loves himself. would make a good lawyer.
Matt - the fat boy of the class, likes sweets and is full of shit.
Matty - Life and soul of the party, could get a corpse dancing.
Menno - built like a horse. Only does it doggy.
Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl. Doesn't like to work too hard. Sexual deviant
Mick - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse.
Mintesh - boy racer, the arsehole who drives with the stereo too loud and the windows down even though it's cold!
Mitchell - big bloke, sweats a lot, usually pure alcohol.
Mohammed - small penis, but still really enjoys playing with it.
Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb.
Nick - inbred - can't get past the missionary position though.
Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed but only on his own.
Noel - only goes out with girls so that he can steal their clothes.
Oliver - likes men but is in denial.
Oscar - complete loser, hated by his parents.
Owen - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
Patrick - drunk, drunk, drunk.
Paul - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in gays.
Peter - Likes sheep more than girls, will probably end up married to a relative.
Phillip - homophobic, image conscious twat, likes to fuck poodles.
Ramsey - thinks he's posh but is actually a knob.
Raymond - doesn't like to be called Ray because it sounds too 'straight'.
Richard - can't see his feet as balls are too big
Ricky - ugly shithead who everybody hates.
Rikki - see above, but can't even spell.
Rob - constantly watches porn.
Robin - Ugly and not very bright, probably a teacher.
Roger - acts like a wanker when drunk ... Permanently drunk!
Rory - men are only nice to him so they can talk to his sister.
Roy - total loser and computer genius.
Rupert - arrogant twat who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud.
Russell - likes to play in the leaves which makes him an arsehole. Pantomime dame
Ryan - short and stout, but popular.
Sam - wannabe sex machine.
Sandeep - complete anorak, owns a metal detector.
Sean - thinks he's James Bond, in reality a dipstick. Has small deformed testicles and no friends.
Scott - has serious disabilities. likes winter sports
Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor.
Shane - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
Shannon - like the, river wet and full of shit.
Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him.
Simon - likes a night out with the lads and curries. Talks bollocks.
Sonny - thinks he's tough and proves it with young girls and boys.
Spencer - thinks everybody wants to shag him - he's a virgin
Steve - popular and funny when looked at side-on.
Stuart - loves it right up there, normally with a toilet roll and a hamster
Taylor - Gay, gay, gay, gay ....
Terry - small and wiry with a nasty temper.
Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is.
Toby - best blow ever.
Tom - cool but can be very arrogant.
Tomas - part-druid, likes to dance round things naked.
Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around. tendency to megalomania 
Travis - fat and horny with the best XXX collection to be found.
Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy.
Troy - cute and popular.
Tyrone - Big bloke with a gay moustache, but nobody dares tell him.
Ty - small and kind of shrivelled.
Var - adventurous type, can't sit quietly and so is very annoying.
Wade - huge bloke, people jog round him and have to stop halfway for a rest.
Walter - Rich, but with no taste in anything, so the money is a bit of a waste.
Wasim - Good at sport. Likes bondage. Intelligent.
Warren - cool, homosexual guy. Picks his nose a lot.
Wesley - great guy and easy to not notice.
Will - wishes he were popular.
William - not very tall, but ultra-cool.
Zach - sweet and polite and twisted.
Zahid - devious and sly. Not to be trusted.*

Girls Names
Abby - agony aunt, always willing to explain about your confused sexuality.
Ada - blue haired, smells of wee.
Adie - quiet and shy, but when you get to know her .. quiet and shy.
Aileen - laughs like a demented dog. likes tic tacs.
Alana - pretty and popular, but with very dark secrets.
Alexandra - popular but very loud, sometimes forgets to bathe.
Alice - likes horses but looks like Kermit's girlfriend.
Alicia - pretty and knows it, watches herself go by in shop windows.
Alison - bra and pants are the same garment, looks better with the light off.
Alyssa - wants to be 'exotic', but only manages to be 'strange'.
Amanda - I.Q. smaller than her bra size, a good shag, but she does practice a lot.
Amber - stereotypical exotic dancer, not too bright but very flexible.
Amy - Devious, Likes being on top, never stays the night - Not to be trusted. Likes any man not wearing trousers
Anastasia - overly-loud, wears clothes 2 sizes too small.
Andrea - Small breasts, small arse, drinks pints and plays a mean game of pool.
Andrina - dark and sultry, pretends she's a Russian spy.
Angela - Vain, Hair style more important than oxygen. Usually found hanging around toilets.
Anita - Beautiful girl with perfect hair and a body to die for.
Annabelle - Doesn't wear knickers.
Annette - She's BIG, like really BIG!!.
Anne - Looks like a horse, can't drive.
Anne-Marie - Gorgeous and with a great taste in blokes, has perfectly 
formed breasts 
Annie - Drinks too much, always wakes up next to ugly guys.
Ashlee - Dyslexic and spends all day thinking about sex.
Aurora - Beautiful and sexy, every mans dream ,but sadly swings the other way.
Azaria - Beautiful and exotic with the brain power of an orchid.
Barbara - Shags like a rabbit, not fussy about appearance. Wears a lot of make up
Bea - Beautiful, sexy, original, but nearly impossible to satisfy in bed.
Becky - one of the boys, knows about football and cars, unusually tall.
Belinda - Pleasing on the eye, usually has a couple of good points.
Beryl - Repressed alcoholic.
Beth - Empty headed, big breasted, and easy.
Bettina - Dominatrix.
Beverley - Trapped in an eighties timewarp.
Bianca - Ginger. big mouth.
Birgit - big scary woman, likes small blokes she can intimidate.
Bridgette - Eats pizzas all day, smokes cigars.
Britney - Falsely improved, no use to society.
Cait - Bow-legged country girl, really loves her horses.
Camilla - replaces the word 'yes' with 'ya'.
Cara - lazy girl, eats too much junk-food and yet doesn't get fat - annoying.
Carie - just like the movie, a scary freak.
Carina - Looks like the back of a bus, doesn't swallow.
Carla - Down to earth with good child-bearing hips.
Carly - Party animal until she gets too drunk to stand up.
Carol - Bubbly, life and soul of the party and the bedroom.
Caroline - Lard arse, shaves her ears, picks her nose and shops at oxfam.
Catherine - Attracted to the older man, needs ironing.
Celine - Emits hideous noises, waste of DNA.
Charlotte - Enjoys tea and cake, farts the national anthem.
Chaz - life and soul of the party, plays the piano and then strips to her own music.
Cheryl - Can fit hand in mouth, eats glass.
Chloe - Usually a weather-girl or a failed wannabe weather-girl.
Christine - Likes men in uniform, never warm.
Christina - Drop dead gorgeous and with a different bloke each night, well practiced.
Ciji - strange girl, sleeps with a vibrating teddy-bear.
Claire/Clare/Clair - Usually neurotic, gives good head but can have lesbian tendencies.
Courtney - Bit of a 'tomboy', rolls her own tampons.
Daisy - Virgin, works on a farm because she likes the way the tractor vibrates.
Danni - Should make nice threesome with sibling.
Davina - drug induced mental damage, should shave her neck.
Dawn - Gets up early, smells of chips.
Debra/Debby - Porn star.
Deborah - Bites the pillow, uses both hands.
Dee - Enormous mouth, gets a lot of work in porn movies.
DeeDee - cannot understand why no-one else masturbates in Ikea.
Denise - Sits on cats eyes, wears too much make up.
Di - Enjoys receiving oral sex, but doesn't like giving it.
Diana - Cuddly, which is a shame because she smells like cheese.
Diane - Enjoys company of animals. Deep as a puddle.
Donna - 70's throw back, likes cabbage.
Dorthe - smells of herrings, obsessed with over-sized sex toys.
Elaine - Rides side saddle, drinks meths. average breasts.. likes sharp edges.
Eleanor - Very posh, always washing her hands, but likes her sex dirty.
Elizabeth - Born to perform, hates chickens.
Ella - Fiery temper, but when she's not shouting she's as cute as a kitten.
Ellie - Far too attractive for the swear words that come out of her mouth.
Ellen - Could well have eaten all the pies.
Elma - Shy, easily dominated by men.
Elsa - Kind of old fashioned, but with beautiful big hair.
Emily - Wears odd socks, can have lesbian tendencies.
Emma - Gullible and easily swayed by a good looker!
Erminia - Small and graceful, slightly psychotic.
Estelle - Likes wombles, eats grass.
Esther - Plump with sagging breasts, normally heavily tattooed.
Eve - Shy timid creature until she has a drink, then she becomes very loud.
Evonne - Much happier now that the sex change operation was a success.
Faith - Legs meet at knees, can't shag standing up.
Faye - Wears wellies, can't swim.
Felicity - One of the boys .. except that she has the most enormous nipples.
Fern - Posh with a large mouth, can hold a conversation whilst giving head.
Fiona - Female mud wrestler, badly needs a shave.
Fiyza - Very sexy, she knows it and she flaunts it
Francess - A lovely lady even if she is as common as muck!
Frankie - Wears leather underwear, if it's quiet you can hear her buzzing.
Gabriel - An arse to die for but pads her bra with tissues.
Gail - Farts a lot, drinks Guinness.
Gayleen - Big tall woman who talks shite all day.
Gaynor - Wanna-be Lesbian who can't pull the girls.
Gemma - Talks too much, even during sex, even during oral sex!
Geraldine - Too posh for her own good, likes flying.
Gillian - Dyes her hair green, likes clubbing.
Gina - Eternal mother, eats nappies.
Glenda - Eats children, hates smoking.
Georgia - Loves her cakes, would rather have gateau than sex.
Georgina - Wants to be a man.
Grace - petite and pretty, fucks like a rabbit.
Grainne - Giggles excessively, sometimes wets herself.
Gwyneth - Blubs a lot, wees in the bath.
Hannah - Needs to be naked at all times, eats kebabs.
Harriet - Wears tweed and green wellies to the pub.
Hayley - Pretty, likes fast cars and slow men.
Heather - Shags like a freight train, bit of a screamer.
Helen - Hangs around with the wrong crowd, Kinky in bed, loves porn and is totally neurotic.
Helena - Likes to be in charge, wears a lot of black rubber.
Heidi - The hills are alive with the sound of music, likes gherkins, hates Nazis.
Hilary - Frigid.
Holly - Prickly to the touch, seasonal shagmeister.
Imogen - Drinks tequila from the bottle, wets the bed.
Ingrid - Right wing Nazi tendencies, never smiles.
Isobel - Motorbike gang leader, sells guns for pocket money.
Jackie - Heroin addict, sold her child.
Jade - I once had a Jade, but hasn't everybody??
Jalaine - Strange, introverted girl, secretly into plastic model aeroplanes.
Janet - Massive over bite, no neck.
Jane - She's hot and she knows it, a prick-teaser.
Janice - Loud and over-the-top, tends to talk with her hands.
Jarla - Kinda like a female Ali-G only not as funny.
Jasmin - Smells of sewers, eats the heads off rats.
Jean - hangs around with old blokes and let's them buy her stuff.
Jemma - Does anal, wears too much eye make-up.
Jenni - bone idle hence the tendency to shorten long words.
Jennifer - Huge breasts, should shave her legs more often, flashes her minge a lot.
Jessica - Always shags on the first date and sometimes even before it.
Joanna - Moans in her sleep, moans when she wakes up, can't cook.
Jo - Bisexual and proud of it.
Joelle - Lively, exciting, jolly and fun ... sometimes too much so!
Josephine - Likes to be tied up and teased.
Jody - Dresses like a boy and eats live frogs for breakfast.
Joyce - Never stops talking ... for God's sake shut up woman!
Judith - Big eyes, big tits, big problem with balance.
Judy - Huge tits, married to a retard.
Julia - Innocent face, don't trust her, she'll steal your wallet in five minutes
Juliet - Eats too many chips, has greasy hair and a hairy arse.
Justine - Massive tits, likes hanging around men's toilets.
Julie - Likes outdoor sex, preferably with a chance of getting caught.
Kacie - cute and adorable, but prone to sulking.
Karen - Huge tits, shags like a rabbit.
Kate - kisses with her tongue and can hold a conversation whilst doing it.
Katherine - old-fashioned girl, giggles when anyone mentions naughty words.
Katy - Tomboy, likes her sex dirty, usually outdoors.
Katie - likes blokes and team sports, preferably both together.
Kayleigh - The Lara Croft of Essex, great in bed (practice makes perfect.
Kay - Big boobs and frizzy hair, a bit mental.
Keira - person most likely to start a cult, related to Stalin.
Kelly - smells of cheese, slobbers when kissing.
Kelley - not very bright, can't spell Kelly.
Kelsey - Very clever, wears glasses, boys scare her.
Kerran - tries to be mysterious, but everyone has been there.
Kerry - pretty, cute, and changes underwear once a week.
Kiersten - very sexy to look at, hard to please in bed.
Kimberley - wants to be a bloke, drinks like a bloke, farts like a bloke, wears a wig.
Kirsty - Eats live moles, can't dance.
Krista - Cool and pretty, tends to daydream all day and sleepwalk all night.
Kristy - Shy until she gets drunk, prone to spots.
Kristen - Emotionally stunted, thinks Robot-Wars is cruel and should be banned.
Kylie - Can't sing but who cares ... lovely arse.
Lana - Hated by her parents, accidental pregnancy.
Lara - Action packed, never seen naked.
Laura - Likes Max power magazine, can't drive. Dominatrix
Lauren - Pert breasts, seldom ventures out at night.
Leah - Likes outdoor sex, wees standing up.
Leanne - eats a lot of raw meat, most guys are scared of her.
Lena - Eats food then throws up, rapidly shrinking.
Leonie - Tall girl who likes short boys, it's a power thing.
Leslie - Likes bondage, hates men.
Leyla - Hot and horny, the girl that always will.
Lily - Makes a good friend, doesn't take crap from anyone.
Linda - Teenage bride can swallow oranges whole.
Lindsey - Likes doggy style, doesn't do housework.
Lisa - Will take all your money and run, gets turned on by porn.
Liz - Long legged and brainy.
Lizbeth - Sensible and serious, can talk without moving her lips.
Lorraine - Constantly whinges, will strip for a packet of jellybabies 
Lorrie - Named after the vehicle she weighs the same as.
Louise/a - Likes to get around, tart
Luci - cute and loveable
Lucy - Strange dancer, wants to marry her dad.
Lynn - Funny and sexy, everything a bloke wants in a woman.
Lynnette - Has the attention span of a budgerigar, likes pretty things.
Madeline - Drives like a bloke, likes tractors.
Madusa - Really likes men, preferably grilled with a side salad.
Maggie - Trainspotter, likes plaid.
Mairi - Quiet and shy but incredibly clever, secretly planning to take over the world.
Mandy - Cute and cuddly, thick as a short plank.
Margaret - Lovely mother, very generous.
Maria - Bangs like a barn door.
Marie - Life sapping dominatrix. Likes men to do DIY.
Marina - No get up and go, rusty underwear.
Marion - stuffs her bra with tissue, a bit cross-eyed.
Marolyn - Eats like a horse, out stays her welcome.
Martina - Ugly lesbian.
Martine - Can't act, can't sing, nice tits.
Mary - Likes men with long tongues and talented fingers.
Matilda - Likes dancing, mainly the waltz.
Mavis - seems nice until you notice the black cat, broomstick and pointed hat.
Meg - Cheesy smell, should be spelt with an S.
Meghan - Cold, hard-hearted bitch, enjoys upsetting little children.
Melanie - Can hold 2 bar vacuum orally indefinitely.
Melinda - Trailer trash ... pretty, plump, and infected.
Melissa - Eats dogs, has been in prison 6 times for burglary.
Meryl - Dances like an ape, doesn't realise.
Michaela - Likes animals, should make a video with them.
Michelle - Wears white stilettos, dances round her handbag.
Marsha - Big butt, small brain.
Molly - Pretty and naive, would like to be slimmer, wears clothes with too many flowers.
Monica - Doesn't swallow, should have.
Nadine - Stunt Lady, can drink any bloke under the table! Don't mess with her.
Naomi - Wannabe diva, more of a diver.
Nancy - White hair, remembers tanners.
Narelle - Likes dressing up as a French maid but not French.
Natalie - Eats with her mouth open, farts the Nokia phone tune.
Natasha - Had seven kids before age 17, needs ironing.
Nell - Hasn't realised WWII has ended, lives in Kent.
Niamh - Quiet and cute, secretly wears mens under-wear.
Nicci - Pretty, blonde, nicely dressed and vacant.
Nichola - quiet, studious type, wears glasses, a tiger in bed.
Nicola - Slapper, alcoholic in denial.
Nicole - small sweet and with nice hair, should wear underwear more often.
Niki - wannabe mysterious spy but not bright enough.
Nina - Stuffs her bra with tissues, been single for years.
Nissa - speech impediment causes her to hiss, fond of reptiles.
Olga - You can park a bike in her arse crack, excessive facial hair.
Olive - usually accompanied by a couple of people in white coats.
Olivia - Gorgeous and knows it, has to sew herself into her trousers..
Olwyn - stupid name, welsh, just unlucky I guess.
Pamela - Gives amazing head, made of plastic.
Patricia - Obsessive about appearances, yet denies that she's shallow.
Pat - short and common, one of the lads and a bit of a laff.
Paula - Transvestite merchant banker from Basildon.
Peggy - Wears outdated clothes and will only do missionary position.
Penelope - Pitstop queen, likes her men to be stiff.
Peta - Rough and tough, seriously into bondage.
Phillippa - Forest forager, likes wild boar.
Phyliss - Thinks sex is dirty, always washing her hands.
Polly - nice girl with really bad dress-sense, fashion disaster, it's a shame.
Priscilla - likes painting with oils, Duckhams mainly.
Preya - can't cook or clean but good in bed.
Prudence - sensible girl, wears flat shoes, but will shag anything in trousers.
Rachel - Amazing gravity defying breasts, can grip a tenner in her arsecheeks.
Rebecca - Hairy armpits, orgasms without contact.
Rebekah - Not very bright, pretty, but sometimes forgets to bathe.
Renee - Huge breasts, but wishes blokes would notice her mind.
Romany - Wild and beautiful, swings both ways.
Rosalind - Upper-class lady but works as a secret agent when the government needs her.
Rose - Can be prickly, gives good head.
Rosemary - Very shy, nearly always seen with a bright red face.
Roz - Only enjoys sex when she's tied up and spanked first.
Rula - She measures up well.
Ruth - Has stretch marks around her mouth.
Sadie - Stand up if you're slim, please stand up.
Sally - Drives a Mustang, fights in pubs.
Samantha - Loves hate relationship with her brother, a wild child, seeking multiple orgasms 
Sandra - Shags donkeys for fun, bow legged.
Sara - Air-head, with a gorgeous body to compensate.
Sarah - intelligent, funny and very talented when it comes to the naughty stuff.
Sarah-Jane - 'posh' girl, will screw anything in a BMW.
Sasha - Looks dreadful the morning after. Smokes cigars
Selina - Doesn't wear pants, heavy laundry bills.
Shannon - Beautiful, curvaceous, should be a model.
Sharon - The original bitch queen, uses everyone she meets.
Shauna - Lives in a trailer, has 16 kids each with a different surname.
Shelly - very cute, but a bit of a soft-hearted slapper.
Sheree - Cute, but very loud! desperately needs a volume control.
Shirley - Can swallow a Curly Whirly whole, likes bananas.
Shona - Librarian by day, exotic dancer by night.
Sinead - Wears big knickers and a vest, but is secretly very sexual.
Sian - Does mean sheep impression, hates mint sauce.
Silka - Appears shy, but secretly Miss Whiplash the dominatrix.
Silke - Only ever has sex outdoors near her favourite tree.
Simone - Used to be a shotputter from Cardiff.
Sonya - intelligent, funny and very talented when it comes to the naughty stuff.
Sophia - Beautiful girl with long legs, a shame her arse is the size of a small country.
Sophie - Brothel manager because she's too ugly to be a working girl.
Stacey - Likes cut off jeans and arseless Speedo's.
Steffi - Closet lesbian, maintains heterosexual relationship for effect.
Stella - reassuringly expensive, she's worth every penny!
Stephanie - Eats Muppets, wears Brogues.
Sue/Susanne - should shave more often, wears Denim aftershave. Very fertile.
Summer - wears flowers in her hair, a pretty dress, and no knickers.
Sylvia - loves the outdoors. Mad.
Tammy - Kind-hearted and generous, particularly in the bedroom.
Tanya - Hot minx, too short.
Tara - Upper class slapper, enjoys random chemicals.
Teresa - surprisingly small given the amount of alcohol she drinks.
Tina - Face like a smacked arse, should eat less.
Tori - Lives in a hedge, can't water ski.
Tracy - Easily swayed by alcohol. Mostly seen without underwear. Loves kittens.
Tracey - Lesbian.
Ursula - Likes puppies, usually in a hot curry.
Val - usually drunk, doesn't know where her knickers are.
Valerie - quaint and old-fashioned, someone's aunt.
Vanessa - Beautiful, power-crazy bitch.
Veronica - closet lesbian who sleeps around to prove she isn't!
Vicki - Likes Yoga. And Women.
Vikki - Drinks anything so long as it's got vodka in it.
Wendy - Possibly a man.
Zoe - Talentless rock chick. Prepared to use sex as a weapon.

508-
A Few Laughs 
Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough. 
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. 
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. 
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately! 
No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning. 
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18" 
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? 
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes. 
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved. 
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. 
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 
My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met. 
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway. 
I see your IQ test results were negative. 
Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

509-
You might be anal-retentive if...
14. you eat the M&Ms in colour order. 
13. you fold your dirty clothes before putting them in the hamper. 
12. you have to have all boxes in the kitchen facing the same way and in order by size. 
11. you have all your canned goods organized by type, flavour, and use and they're all facing the front. 
10. all you books, CDs, and movies have to be alphabetical order. 
9. you require no less than 200 threads per inch on your sheets. ...and they are tucked so tightly that you really could bounce a quarter on them. 
8. you alphabetise your spices. 
7. you actually bother trying to convince someone that the 3rd millennium hasn't begun yet (or that it *has* begun). 
6. you organize your closet by colour, season, and fabric. 
5. you flame every person who sent you email because the emails weren't spelled correctly or grammatically correct. 
4. you remove the tires to wash inside the wheel-wells of your vehicle. 
3. you collect the little postcards in magazine issues... ...for recycling. 
2. every e-mail reply that you send has been through a grammar checker... ...and you correct the original message. 
1. you're on a "calorie-counting" diet and you count the calories in the hot sauce on your "Big Beef Burrito Supreme"

510-
25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP... 
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 
5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator 
6. You watch the Weather Channel. 
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up." 
8 You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 
10. You're the one calling the police because those fucking kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt 
16. You take naps. 
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit." 
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened? 

511-
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their guns, a dog and of course the new Navigator.
They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the navigator, the guns and the dog...?
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.
Then: " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" !
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with: 'I can't believe this just happened' looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.
The dog is okay . . . and doing fine. 

512-
Toddler Miracle Diet. 
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation ( the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets or quit after three days. 
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years, you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck! 
------ Day One 
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg using your fingers, dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any colour), a handful of potato chips and a glass of milk ( three sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, four sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor. 
------ Day Two 
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half a bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavour). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack: Lick an all day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes, eat with a spoon. 
---- Day Three 
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk, drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible. 
--- Final Day 
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavour), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

513-
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, Customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service Charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. 
The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to ANZ: 
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January." 
ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." 
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections." 
ANZ: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been." 
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?" 
ANZ: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!" 
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" 
ANZ: "Excuse me?" 
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . .the part about her being dead?" 
ANZ: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." 
ANZ Supervisor gets on the phone: 
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." 
ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." 
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" 
ANZ: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?" 
Family member: "No, I'm her great nephew." 
(Lawyer info given) 
ANZ: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" 
Family Member: "Sure." 
(fax number is given) 
After they get the fax: 
ANZ: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help." 
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care." 
ANZ: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." 
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?" 
ANZ: "That might help." 
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Sydney Rd, Plot Number 69." 
ANZ: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" 
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

514-
Some days, it's not even worth chewing through the restraints 

515-
Kwikkies
My other ride is your mum.
If it has boobs or wheels it will give you a problem.
Sacred cows make great hamburger.
Now that I've cooked the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
Take your ex out tonight, one bullet ought to do it.
My girlfriend only has one breast so I got her a part-time job at Hooters.
I've seen her wrestle, now I'm gonna see her box.
Support D.A.M. -- Mothers Against Dyslexia.

516-
Line dancing. See what happens when cousins breed?

517-
They say..."Love thy neighbour as thy self." 
What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?

518-
Zen sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tyre.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 

519-
Never try to teach a pig to sing............ It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

520-
Feeling down?????
CHEER UP!!! There's a yuppie somewhere who just pulled a hamstring in one of those sissy aerobics classes.
CHEER UP!!! Remember that nasty old nun who used to hit your knuckles with a ruler? She's 75 years old now, and she has arthritis.
CHEER UP!!! If your woman isn't faithful, you're not alone. Don't forget that even Popeye was two-timed by Olive Oyl (in almost every episode, in fact!)
CHEER UP!!! The worse things get,... the less you have to lose!
CHEER UP!!! Every three minutes, somewhere in America a suburban housewife backs the family car through the garage door.
CHEER UP!!! No matter how bad things get, your folks still have your old bedroom ready, and you're welcome to go back home.
CHEER UP!!! The time you spent reading this email could've been spent more productively. But you're not bothered because you're one of those well-adjusted people who really doesn't give a crap.

521-
Q. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Fish.

522-
Theory of Relativity: If you could fly twice the speed of light, you could land on Mars, get out of your spaceship and watch yourself come. 
Or, a cheaper way,........... install mirrors on your bedroom ceiling.

523-
I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he travelled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me. And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... 
Quit drinking before noon.

524-
The Asshole Bill of Rights
As an ASSHOLE, I proclaim the following:
#1 I will live my life the way I deem fit, screw political correctness.
#2 I have the right to choose my religious path if I choose one at all. Christianity be damned.
#3 If I want to eat a cow, I will eat a cow.
#4 I have the right to hang up on telemarketers midsentence and not have to worry about whether or not I was polite.
#5 If I think someone's an idiot, I will tell them they're an idiot.
#6 I have the right to tell children that their parents aren't raising them correctly. (Think of how many times you've been at a supermarket and heard a screaming child the entire time...what exactly would you want to say that'd be any nicer?)
#7 If you don't know what you're talking about, shut the hell up.
#8 You may have the right to speak, but I don't have to listen to you.
#9 If I want to be rude, loud, and obnoxious, it's a free country.
#10 If I want to go to a bar, destroy my liver with alcohol, clog my arteries with junk , and have unsafe sex with the woman/man I just met, I ought to be able to smoke while I'm at it.
#11 I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can go to Jenny Craig.
#12 Jerry Springer for President!!!!!!!
#13 Denis Leary should be proclaimed God and given reign over society.
#14 Your daughter just got drunk at a party, made a slut of herself, and you're worried about my religious beliefs?
#15 Before you tell me how to run my life, be certain that your own is squeaky clean.
#16 Just because you work at McDonald's doesn't mean you have an excuse to have an I.Q. under twelve.
#17 Just because you're a student does not mean that you're any more enlightened than someone that works at Blockbuster.
#18 Speaking of Blockbuster, if I return the tape, you do not have to actually sue me for $15!!
#19 If you're stupid enough to give me credit, deal with the consequences.
#20 It's ignorant to charge someone $25 if they bounce a check for $5. (If I didn't have the $5, what makes you think I'm going to have $25 you retards!!)
#21 If you don't like the way I drive then at the next red light get out from under my car.
#22 If your dog or cat is so smart, then why do you talk to it like it's a newborn baby?
#23 If I shoot you while you're committing a crime, and you try to sue me for it, I'll shoot you again.
#24 Courtesy of Ben Franklin: Anyone who would give up freedoms and liberties for temporary security deserves neither freedom or security.
#25 If you live in Tornado Alley, don't whine when you get hit by a tornado.

525-
Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics? A: Not being retarded in the first place. 
Q: What's blue and fucks old people? A: Hypothermia 
Q: What is the definition of "making love"? A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. 
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts? A: Gonorrhoea
Q: Why did God create yeast infections? A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep? A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister. 
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. 
Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen? A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour. 
Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. 
Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. 
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A. You know she'll swallow. 
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery. 

526-
The Thinker
It started out innocently enough...
I began to think at parties now and then-to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone-"to relax," I told myself.-- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home.
One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my mate about the meaning of life, but she just spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job.
I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in.
He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
Now I never miss a TA meeting.
At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
Today, I registered to vote Labour.

527-
Becoming Calm
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Pinot Grigio, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kailua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some pretzels and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

528-
WORDS THAT REALLY SHOULD EXIST 
Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.
Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.
Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.
Dadicated: being the best father you can be.
Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time in the hopes you'll have something to read or write and not have to do any work. 
Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.
Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.
Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time.
Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighbourhood.
Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer exists.
Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.
Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.
Mandals: sandals for men.

529-
MORE USEFUL TOP TIPS
MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
ANNOY and frustrate SpecSavers staff by wandering up to their counter, squinting your eyes whilst looking up at the price board, and when they ask if they can help you, saying "Big Mac and large fries, please."
BIRD FLU could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. (Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.)
LADY drivers. Draw a little diagram on a Post-it showing the position of the hand brake and gear stick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green.
DOG owners. Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.
FATTIES. Take a tip from smokers and stop your cravings for chips By Sellotaping a crisp to the top of your arm each morning.
PUBLIC toilet users. When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer.
CONVINCE bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.
DRUNKEN drivers. When making your way home from a night out, put 'L' plates on your car to convince patrol-ling police that any careless driving is the result of inexperience rather than drink. How you explain a 3am driving lesson is up to you.
AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
FELLAS. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guard's uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm button and voila! A free grope!
SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned.
DISCARDED PALLETS make ideal 'designer futons' for style-conscious tramps.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

530-
If smoking is bad for you.
How come it cures Kippers?

531-
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
Conserve water. Shower with a friend.
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
Don't laugh at these fogged up windows. It's your daughter in here.
If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's really, really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good!
I've found Jesus! He was behind the couch the whole time.
Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.

532-
New Phobias ...
Acmedecaphobia: The fear of top ten lists.
Amathophobia: The fear of dust.
Anananany: The inability to stop spelling 'banana' once you've started.
Anatidaephobia: The fear that wherever you are, a duck is watching!
Androphobia: The fear of men.
Angoraphobia: The fear of soft sweaters and rabbits.
Anthropophobia: The fear of human beings.
Archibutyrophobia: The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.
Couifferusdisarraeusaphobia: the fear of being laughed at for the way your hair looks when you take off your cap.
Eonaphobics: The fear of transvestites.
Friendorphobia: The fear of being asked "Who goes there?"
Friggaphobics: People who fear Fridays.
Gap-phobia: the irrational fear of bouncy, peppy salespeople.
Genuphobia: The fear of knees.
Godzillaphobia: the fear that your new summer blockbuster will be an enormously expensive flop.
Graphophobia: The fear of writing.
Heortophobia: The fear of holidays.
Iophobia: The fear of rust.
Katagelophobia: The fear of ridicule.
Lyssophobia: The fear of insanity.
Netlineaphobia: the fear that Ed McMahon has been trying to call your house to give you that oversized 9 million dollar check the whole time your phone line has been tied up with your internet connection.
Obsessispritzaphobia: the irrational fear of people in department stores that spray you with perfume.
Pachydermatitisophobia: the fear of elephant dandruff.
Peniaphobia: The fear of poverty.
Phobaphobia: The fear of fear itself.
Phobia: What you have left over after you drink two out of a 6-pack.
Phronemophobia: The fear of thinking.
Pognophobia: The fear of beards.
Porcheluminumaphobia: the fear of your girlfriend's parents flipping the porchlight on and off as you try to kiss her goodnight when returning from a date.
Quadriphobia: The fear of 4-way stops and not knowing who goes next.
Slacksaquaphobia: fear of emerging from bathrooms with a spot on the front of your pants.
Scratchaphobia: the fear of getting that grey stuff from lottery scratch cards stuck forever under your thumbnails.

533-
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good for a while, but as soon as the gum lost its flavour, I was back to pondering my mortality.

534-
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old University of Notre Dame lecturer. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the lecturer went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, some plain-looking and some expensive and exquisite, telling them to help themselves to hot coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the lecturer said: "If you noticed, all the nice-looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the better cups and are eyeing each other's cups."
"Now, if Life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change."
"Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee in it."

535-
Chuan and Jing joined a wholesale company together just after graduation. Both worked very hard. After several years, the boss promoted Jing to sales executive but Chuan remained a sales rep. One day Chuan could not take it anymore, tender resignation to the boss and complained the boss did not value hard working staff, but only promoted those who flattered him. The boss knew that Chuan worked very hard for the years, but in order to help Chuan realise the difference between him and Jing, the boss asked Chuan to do the following. Go and find out anyone selling water melon in the market? Chuan returned and said yes. The boss asked how much per kg? Chuan went back to the market to ask and returned to inform boss the $12 per kg. Boss told Chuan, I will ask Jing the same question? Jing went, returned and said, boss, only one person selling water melon. $12 per kg, $100 for 10 kg, he has inventory of 340 melons. On the table 58 melons, every melon weighs about 15 kg, bought from the South two days ago, they are fresh and red, good quality. Chuan was very impressed and realised the difference between himself and Jing. He decided not to resign but to learn from Jing. My dear friends, a more successful person is more observant, thinks more and understands in depth. For the same matter, a more successful person sees several years ahead, while we see only tomorrow. The difference between a year and a day is 365 times. Think! How far have you seen ahead in your life? How thoughtful in depth are you? 

536-
1. Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha - the world's largest zipper manufacturer. 
2. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 
3. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why. 
4. 40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. 
5. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. 
6. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily. 
8. Most lipstick contains fish scales. 
9. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine. 
10. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time. 
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 
12. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. 
13. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. 
14. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm. 
15. The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"! 
16. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand. 
17. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
18. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. 
19. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. 
20. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer. 
21. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. 
22. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot. 
24. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. 
25. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand. 
26. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly. 
27. A mathematical wonder: 111,111,111multiplied by 111,111,111 gives the result 12, 345, 678, 987, 654, 321. 
28. The most common name in the world is Mohammed. 
29. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. 
30. The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp. 
31. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. 
32. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. 
33. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. 
34. "Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt". 
35. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. 
36. In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off". 
37. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head. 
38. European women didn't wear underwear until the 1900's. 
39. We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime. 
40. Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines. 
42. Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year. 
43. Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV. 
44. Blue is the favourite colour of 80 percent of Americans. 
45. When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka. 
46. There are more chickens than people in the world. 
48. The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest. 
49. The only word in the English Language with all vowels in reverse order is "subcontinental". 
50. There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C. 

537-
Sometimes we get what we need and not what we want.......... Once there were 3 trees on a hill in the woods. They were discussing their hopes and dreams when the 1st tree said, "Someday, I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems and be decorated with intricate carvings. Everyone would see my beauty." The 2nd tree said, "Someday, I will be a mighty ship. I'll take kings and queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world. Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of my hull." Finally, the 3rd tree said, "I want to grow to be the tallest and straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the hill and look up to my branches and think of the heavens and God and how close to them I'm reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time, and people will always remember me." After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group of woodsmen came upon the trees. One came to the 1st tree and said, "This looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter," and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest. At the 2nd tree, one of the other woodsman said, "This looks like a strong tree. I should be able to sell it to the shipyard." The 2nd tree was happy, because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship. When the woodsmen came upon the 3rd tree, the tree was frightened, because it knew that, if it was cut down, its dreams would not come true. One of the woodsmen said, "I don't need anything special from my tree, so I'll take this one," and he cut it down. When the 1st tree arrived at the carpenter's, he was made into a feed box for animals, placed in a barn and filled with hay. This was not at all what he had prayed for. The 2nd tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying kings had come to an end. The 3rd tree was cut into large pieces and left alone in the dark. The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams. Then a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the 1st tree. The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time. Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the 2nd tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out on the water, a great storm arose, and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and he stood and said "Peace," and the storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in its boat. Finally, someone came and got the 3rd tree. It was carried through the streets, and the crowd mocked the man who was carrying it. Finally, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at the top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it. 
The moral of this story is that, when things don't seem to be going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust in him, He will give you great gifts. Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they had imagined. We don't always know what God's plans are for us. We just know that His ways are not our ways.

538-
5 Important lessons 
1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady. During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school? Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'. I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy. 
2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain One night, at 11.30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console colour TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others." Sincerely, Mrs.. Nat King Cole. 
3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve. In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 -year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" , he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.> When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path. In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition. 
5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts. Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the colour returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away". Being young the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her. 

539-
A voyaging ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small desert like island. The two survivors, not knowing what else to do agreed that they had no other recourse but to pray to God. However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island. The first thing they prayed for was food. The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat its fruit. The other man's parcel of land remained barren. After a week, the first man was lonely and decided to pray for a wife. The next day, another ship was wrecked, and the only survivor was a woman who swam to his side of the land. On the other side of the island, there was nothing. Soon the first man prayed for a house, clothes, &more food. The next day, like magic, all of these were given to him. However, the second man still had nothing. Finally the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. In the morning, he found a ship docked at his side of the island. The first man boarded the ship with his wife and decided to leave the second man on the island. He considered the other man unworthy to receive God's blessings, since none of his prayers had been answered. As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a voice from heaven booming. "Why are you leaving your companion on the island?" My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them," the first man answered. His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything." You are mistaken!" the voice rebuked him, "He had only one prayer, which I answered. "If not for that you would not have received any of my blessings." Tell me," the first man asked the voice, "What did he pray for that I should owe him anything?" He prayed that all your prayers be answered." For all we know, our blessings are not the fruits of our prayers alone, but those of another praying for us This is too good not to share. My prayer for you today is that all your prayers are answered. Be blessed.

540-
A True Story At the prodding of my friends, I am writing this story. My name is Mildred Hondorf. I am a former elementary school music teacher from Des Moines, Iowa. I've always supplemented my income by teaching piano lessons--something I've done for over 30 years. Over the years I found that children have many levels of musical ability. I've never had the pleasure of having a protégée, though I "musically challenged" pupils. One such student was Robby. Robby was 11 years old when his mother (a single Mom) dropped him off for his first piano lesson. I prefer that students (especially boys!) begin at an earlier age, which I explained to Robby. But Robby said that it had always been his mother's dream to hear him play the piano. So I took him as a student. Well, Robby began with his piano lessons, and from the beginning I thought it was a hopeless endeavour. As much as Robby tried, he lacked the sense of tone and basic rhythm needed to excel. But he dutifully reviewed his scales and some elementary pieces that I require all my students to learn. Over the months he tried and tried while I listened and cringed and tried to encourage him. At the end of each weekly lesson he always say, "My Mom's going to hear me play someday." But it seemed hopeless. He just did not have any inborn ability. I only knew his mother from a distance as she dropped Robby off or waited in her aged car to pick him up. She always waved and smiled but never stopped in. Then one day Robby stopped coming to our lessons. I thought about calling but assumed, because of his lack of ability, that he had decided to pursue something else. I also was glad that he stopped coming. He was a bad advertisement for my teaching! Several weeks later I mailed to the student's homes a flyer on the upcoming recital. To my surprise Robby (who received a flyer) asked me if he could be in the recital. I told him that the recital was for current pupils and because he had dropped out he really did not qualify. He said that his Mom had been sick and unable to take him to piano lessons but he was still practicing. "Miss Hondorf...I've just got to play!" he insisted. I don't know what led me to allow him to play in the recital. Maybe it was his persistence, or maybe it was something inside of me saying that it would be all right. The night for the recital came. The high school gymnasium was packed with parents, friends and relatives. I put Robby up last in the program before I was to come up and thank all the students and play a finishing piece. I thought that any damage he would do would come at the end of the program and I could always salvage his poor performance through my "curtain closer." Well the recital went off without a hitch. The students had been practicing and it showed. Then Robby came up on stage. His clothes were wrinkled and his hair looked like he'd run an eggbeater through it. "Why didn't he dress up like the other students? " I thought. "Why didn't his mother at least make him comb his hair for this special night?" Robby pulled out the piano bench and he began. I was surprised when he announced that he had chosen Mozart's Concerto # 1 in C Major. I was not prepared for what I heard next. His fingers were light on the keys, they even danced nimbly on the ivories. He went from pianissimo to fortissimo ... from allegro to virtuoso. His suspended chords that Mozart demands were magnificent! Never had I heard Mozart played so well by a person his age. After six and a half minutes, he ended in a grand crescendo and everyone was on their feet in wild applause. Overcome and in tears I ran up on stage and put my arms around Robby in joy. "I've never heard you play like that Robby! How'd you do it?" Through the microphone Robby explained: "Well Miss Hondorf... remember I told you my Mom was sick? Well, actually, she had cancer and passed away this morning. And well ... she was born deaf, so tonight was the first time she ever heard me play. I wanted to make it special." There wasn't a dry eye in the house that evening. As the people from Social Services led Robby from the stage to be placed into foster care, I noticed that even their eyes were red and puffy and I thought to myself how much richer my life had been for taking Robby as my pupil. No, I've never had a protégée -- but that night I became a protégée..of Robby's. He was the teacher and I was the pupil. For it is he that taught me the meaning of perseverance and love, and believing in yourself, and maybe even taking a chance in someone and you don't know why.

541-
A young and successful executive was travelling down a neighbourhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and drove the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the only kid he saw and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. What were you thinking?" The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry... I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one would stop..." With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me." Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out his handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. "Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home. It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice. God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. 

542-
This is how I want it in my next life... I think the life cycle is all ass-backwards. You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way.
You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous (hey, you've only got a few years left, what's the big deal?), and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then you finish off as an orgasm!

543-
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like...night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho kinetics? Raise my hand.
15. OK . . . so what's the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?
25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your rear tomorrow.

544-
50 Dumb uses for used condoms...
1) Bicycle handle grips.
2) French tickler animals.
3) Shower caps for people with tiny heads.
4) Put one on a lightbulb for mood lighting.
5) Fill one with helium and tie a note to it.
6) Get 1000 and make a submarine.
7) Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.
8) Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.
9) Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding.
10) Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.
11) Water wings for those non-swimmers.
12) Use 500 of them to spell out "We Want Women!!" on your house.
13) Jelly moulds.
14) Finger puppets.
15) A wind sock.
16) Use as a bobber when fishing.
17) Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking it.
18) Practical joke: Put one on an exhaust pipe.
19) Suspenders.
20) Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise be better?)
21) Small animal muzzle.
22) Put them on your fingers & play proctologist.
23) Put them on your toes to make swimfins.
24) Draw eyeballs on them and make funny glasses.
25) Automatic door closing devices.
26) Have 'water' balloon fights.
27) Glue a bunch together and use to replace silicon breast implants.
28) Freeze them for an all- natural popsicle.
29) Glue several together and sell as a "Stretch Man" toy.
30) Use for a Xmas stocking stuffings for those that screwed you.
31) Ear/nose plugs.
32) Use 365 of them to make into a tire, and call it a "Good Year".
33) Replace those old "Dr. Scholls" shoe cushions.
34) Feed them to your pet iguana, Clyde.
35) Paint scales on them & put them in a fishtank.
36) "I challenge you to a duel!"
37) Drain plugs.
38) Put them in with your tax return.
39) Go see "Saturday Night Fever" and throw them at the screen.
40) Punching bags.
41) Hang them on the blades of a ceiling fan.
42) Send 69 of them to your ex-girlfriend.
43) Novelty key rings.
44) Hang them all around your windshield and be a chicano.
45) Spell "Happy Birthday" on a cake.
46) Break out your paints and make wax fruit.
47) Glue them on your nipples and try to swing them in opposite directions.
48) Make a patch work "water" bed.
49) Put your money in one. Nobody will steal it!
50) Stick one on the bridge of your nose and run around saying "Gobble Gobble".

545-
So true in the 21st Century ...
Our communication - Wireless
Our dress - Topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relationship - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our boss - Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Very less!!!

546-
Updated Classic Definitions ...
Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..
Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest.... except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

547-
Here are several ways to really get even with someone:
GARAGE SALE: Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, camcorder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. all items in the backyard, Just come around back and Come early!
X-RAYS AT AIRPORTS: Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victims carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped and inspected by airport security officials ~ an absolute classic . . .
OIL SPOT: At night pour used oil underneath the victims car while parked in the driveway. Pour enough that will be alarming. Continue to do this each night. The subject will spend great deals of money trying to get the oil leak repaired time and time again. I have even heard of a person buying a new car after the repeated attempts at repair. Imagine their surprise when that new car starts leaking too.
PAPER MONEY: Write a sexually oriented solicitation message, victim's name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge of several pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will receive many eye popping inquiries ~ another favourite . . .
FAX MACHINES: Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim's fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until the victim's fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has somehow cheated you. This can have same results as OIL SPOT.

548-
Laws of Life
Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

549-
Lines to Confuse and Enlighten ...
Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
The only perfect science is hindsight.
A procrastinator's work is never done.
My favourite mythical creature? The honest politician.
Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.
I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
The most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

550-
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

551-
Ponderisms ...
7) I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
7) Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
7) The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
7) Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
7) There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
7) Life is sexually transmitted.
7) Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
7) The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
7) Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
7) Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7) Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
7) Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
7) All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
7) In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
7) Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
7) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
7) If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
7) Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
7) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
7) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
7) Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
7) Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
7) Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
7) Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
7) Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
7) Ever wondered why these are all numbered # 7)?

552-
"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten.
They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane."

553-
THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR CELLPHONE COULD DO...
There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:
*I*The Emergency Number worldwide for **Mobile** is 112 .* If you find yourself out of coverage area of your mobile network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialled even if the keypad is locked. **Try it out.**
*II* Subject: Have you locked your keys in the car? Does you car have remote keys? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
Editor's Note: *It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a cell phone!"*
*III* Subject: Hidden Battery power Imagine your cell battery is very low , you are expecting an important call and you don't have a charger. Nokia instrument comes with a reserve battery. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your cell will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell next time. 
AND
*IV* How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone? To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 #
A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. when your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.

554-
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda 
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! 
But now that... 
I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a darn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it! 
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!! 
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! 
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up! 
And talk about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options! 
We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! 
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! 
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE! 
When you went to the movie theatre there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed! 
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! 
And when it came to channel surfing, you had to actually walk over to the TV to change the channel, and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!
And we didn't have microwaves ... If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a real fire .. imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. 
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.

555-
UNSPOKEN PARKING LOT RULES. . . .
Rule No. 1: When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule No. 2: Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule No. 3: In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up halfway and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule No. 4: As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signalling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
Rule No. 5: Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.
Rule No. 6: When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.
Rule No. 7: When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
Rule No. 8: When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rule applies to picking up and discharging passengers.
Rule No. 9: When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signalling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
Rule No. 10: If you have handicapped license plates, use up a regular parking spot.
Rule No. 11: If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same colour as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy," and park somewhere else.
Rule No. 12: If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
Rule No. 13: When exiting a shopping centre into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule No. 14: When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
Rule No. 15: Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.
Rule No. 16: Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping centre parking lots. While you're at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
Rule No. 17: If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
Rule No. 18: When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
Rule No. 19: When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into another car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.
Rule No. 20: When walking back to your car in a busy shopping centre, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
Rule No. 21: When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signalling for your spot.
Rule No. 22: When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them.
Rule No. 23: If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the mall's parking lot, there isn't any!
Rule No. 24: If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper and start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name, address, and phone number."

556-
It's a fine line between thinking outside of the box and talking out of your arse.

557-
Never bet on a dog named Tripod.

558-
When it is Okay To Fart In Public:
In your boss' office as you are turning to leave. - Tip- Make sure it's a silent one
In a bathroom
In a cashier's line - it might help to speed up things
In an empty elevator, before you get off
Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become unoccupied
In someone else's unoccupied cubicle at work
While parachuting
While scuba diving
In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested
During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated
In your car if you've been carjacked
In the changing room when you're sure someone else is waiting his/her turn
In your car once you've been pulled over. The cop may let you go quicker
During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors
While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know whom to blame

559-
Funny English Definitions for the Dyslexic 
Antelope (v): to run off with your mother’s sister.
Assassination (n): an arrangement to meet a donkey.
Baptist (n): a junior hamburger chef.
Basket (n): a short nap in the sun.
Circumstantial (n): circumcision on a really big baby.
Collonade (n): fizzy enema.
Defence (n): something to sit on for people who can’t make up their minds.
Diarrhoea (n) a very unattractive bottom. 
Dictator (n): hilariously shaped, edible tuber.
Dipthong (v): to wash a lady's undergarment. 
Diversion (n): Princess of Wales' version of the events that led to her divorce.
Dumpling (n): small lump of excrement. 
Gastronome (n): small person prone to excess wind.
Harbinger (n): hard drinker.
Hatchet (n): small, bird droppings that fall from the sky.
Headband (n): top of the bill at a rock concert.
Hormone (n): the sound a prostitute makes when she's not been paid.
Hobnob (n): cooking accident often suffered by nudists. 
Homophobe (n): strong dislike of The Simpsons. 
Honeydew (n: women who regularly arrive late for appointments. 
Induction (n): induced labour in a duck.
Innuendo (n): Italian suppository. 
Intercontinental (n): person who has wet themselves all over the world.
Labiate (v): perform cunnilingus.
Laminate (v): to artificially inseminate a sheep. 
Limpet (n): male who has trouble getting an erection.
Lobster (n): colloquial term for a female who ejaculates during orgasm.
Mantrap (n): sexual favour used by women to obtain money from men.
Mastiff (n): mass erections induced by watching pornography.
Menopause (n): break in conversation to allow men to get a word in edgeways.
Minjita (n) (slang): an Indian lesbian.
Misfit (n): an attractive young woman.
Mislay (n): a brazen or promiscuous young woman.
Morbific (n): excessively violent.
Multilingual (n): engaging in cunnilingus with multiple partners.
Negligent (n): cross-dresser.
Ostentatious: make and model of a pre-war British luxury car.
Outage (n): process of exposing a Gay politician.
Portent (n): The Millennium Dome.
Propaganda (n): a wooden support for one-legged male geese.
Rapscallion (n): Black, American spring onion.
Rectitude (n): Precise angle at which a rectal thermometer should be inserted.
Reflex (v): renew wiring to an electrical appliance.
Restitution (n): sanatorium for lactating women.
Skulduggery (n): archaeological excavation.
Snuff box (n): slang term for a coffin.
Spade (n): small surgical tool for removing ovaries.
Testator (n): a male who is constantly adjusting his genitalia.
Titillate (n): delayed onset of female puberty.
Titular (n & adj): busty woman.
Vagrant: (n): confused insect.
Willy-nilly (n): male who continually catches their penis in their zipper.

560-
In the movies...
Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
Good guys are always outnumbered.
Good guys always win and get the girl.
Good guys are always good looking.
Good guys are the only ones with a sense of humour.
Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.
Good guys don't take drugs.
Heroes wear clothes that dirt can't stick to.
Ugly people are always bad guys.
Bad guys will make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but they will never stick around to see if it works.
The bad guy chickens out first.
The police are smart.
Police never wait for back-up.
Undercover cops are too good to be spotted, especially when wearing dark sunglasses.
All police killings are in self-defence.
Police chases must include a car going through a plate glass window.
Car wheels screech on any corner, even on dirt.
After being shot, there is always enough time to escape.
The chances of getting into an accident increases proportionally as the car goes slower.
Burglar alarm system's connection box is on the outside wall.
Private detective work is glamorous.
Cars will explode in all accidents.
Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.
High School students look thirty years old.
The suburbs are exciting.
Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
All Chinese people know Karate.
All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth with two outs and the bases loaded.
Everybody wins in Las Vegas.
Nobody has time to watch TV.
Nobody ever has trouble finding parking spots when they are in a hurry.
Housework is never needed.
Street vendor's carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.
Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.
The last 5 minutes will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.
In case of emergency, speak in clichés.
95 pound women in tight skirts can throw around 300 pound muscle-bound men.
Fist-fights don't result in bruises.
Helicopters are attracted to mountains.
No one ever mumbles, stutters, or says "um..."
People normally wake up in the morning with make-up on.
There are no really ugly women, only really ugly men.
If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
Everyone has a "dark" secret.
Haunted houses are never locked.
Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
Rich people are unhappy.
Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.
Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three of four days.
Midnight happens more than once in a monster movie.
To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 minutes before sunset.
Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into the dark cellar never came out.
The group always splits up to look for the alien.
Movies based on true stories are always made up.
In the end, all resource limitations are overruled.

561-
TRUTHS
If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following: There would be: 
* 57 Asians 
* 21 Europeans 
* 14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south 
* 8 Africans 
* 52 would be female 
* 48 would be male 
* 70 would be non-white 
* 30 would be white 
* 70 would be non-Christian 
* 30 would be Christian 
* 89 would be heterosexual 
* 11 would be homosexual 
* 6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United States. 
* 80 would live in substandard housing 
* 70 would be unable to read 
* 50 would suffer from malnutrition 
* 1 would be near death 
* 1 would be near birth 
* 1 would have a college education 
* 1 would own a computer
When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent. 

The following is also something to ponder... 
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week. If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation...you are ahead of 500 million people in the world. If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace ... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy. If your parents are still alive and still married ... you are very rare, even in the United States and Canada. If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all. 

562-
GOOD: You find an Armani suit on sale at a terrific price!
BAD: It needs a little work at your alterations shop.
WORSE: The tailor there has never seen a Armani suit before.

GOOD: The tests are positive - you're gonna' be a dad again!
BAD: You really can't afford another kid on your pay.
WORSE: You haven't told your wife.

GOOD: Your daughter has been chosen Head Cheerleader!
BAD: She's been sidelined by a persistent rash.
WORSE: It's jock itch.

GOOD: Your mother in-law makes a chocolate cake you love!
BAD: You get home and she's come for dinner, apparently empty-handed.
WORSE: No, she's brought your cake. It's in the den with her luggage.

GOOD: You went for the 100,000 mile, head-to-tail warranty on the RV.
BAD: You watch the odometer pass 99,999.
WORSE: when a cloud of white smoke fills the passenger compartment.

GOOD: You're enjoying Parent's Night at Millard C Fillmore Jr. High school.
BAD: until a school counsellor urges therapy for both your son & daughter.
WORSE: You only have one kid.

GOOD: You're the man! You'll go to the National Trade Show with the Boss.
BAD: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week.
WORSE: On the flight down, he tells you you're cute.

GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hair salon.
BAD: There's a rumour going around town that he's gay.
WORSE: Your wife guarantees you that he's not.

563-
Ten Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House
1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, it’s warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch "on”; or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

564-
Random Thoughts
~~ I gave my 7-year-old a "safe word" in case a stranger ever tries to talk him into a car. Then my know-it-all wife tells me the word "candy" was probably not a good choice.
~~ I tried camping once and had to eat cold hot dogs and unroasted marshmallows because I couldn't get a campfire going. Disappointed, I returned home, where I fell asleep with a lit cigarette and burned down my house. Life's funny like that sometimes.
~~ At first I was really mad when my toilet broke, but then I had to consider how I normally treat it.
~~ One of the nice things about being unemployed is that you don't have to wash your hands after using the restroom.
~~ Sure, "JIHAD!" is a great name for a band, but I wish I had thought about airport security before getting the tattoo.
~~They say that after you have a baby, nothing else matters. Sure, but try using that as an excuse to get out of a speeding ticket.
~~ I see skies of blue, clouds of white. Bright blessed days, dark sacred nights. And I think to myself: "I hope a plane spots my raft soon."
~~ I've always held that any glass is a "beer glass" if you drink beer out of it, and any glass is a "wine glass" if you drink wine out of it. But that jerk at the pet shop still calls it an "aquarium."
~~They say romance is dead. Well, that would certainly explain the big heart-shaped grave in the back yard.
~~ If I plagiarize, it's only because I like someone else's idea better than mine and I want credit for it.
~~I like to buy women a lot of drinks, not so much to lessen their inhibitions as to lower their standards.
~~At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in the head and I should be committed to a mental institution. Why do women always want us to make a commitment?!?

565-
I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it would be largely pointless. 
Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up.
I have just returned home after watching Oliver Stone's new flick World Trade Centre, and I have to say I was a little disappointed by the storyline. Two planes crashing into the Twin Towers... on the same day. It's a bit far-fetched. 
I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work. 
I paid £1.20 for a bag of chips from my local chippy the other night. Then a friend told me that they were just bits of potatoes fried in oil. I was furious. There could only have been about 20p's worth of potato and the oil must have cost pennies. No wonder the owner drives a G-reg Nissan 
Rush hour? Bollocks. If anything it's the slowest and most difficult bit of the day to travel.
Pizza Hut's so-called 'unlimited refills' are a joke. You try going back with your glass a week later. They won't serve you.
Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed. What's healthy about that?
I was at a wedding yesterday, and the vicar said - I kid you not - "Don't be embarrassed to touch your rings if it gives you pleasure." No one understood why I laughed out loud. 
Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
Whenever I buy a DVD I have to sit through a trailer telling me not to watch pirate movies. Yet Johnny Depp stars in one and the posters all say 'Must See'. Make your minds up, Hollywood moguls. 
To the zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
I was interested to hear that one of these so-called lesbian marriages has ended in divorce. Well I am a church goer, and divorces are meant to put asunder Adam and Eve, not Madam and Eve. They are not divorced in my eyes, I can tell you. 
I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Jamie Oliver has been telling people to 'try something new today'. So this weekend at my Chinese takeaway, I had a number 163 and 24 instead of my usual 122 and 47. And it was awful. So thanks for nothing. 
Professional footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days. It wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis, dogging in car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let's give credit where credit is due.
My husband plays a joke on me every April Fool's day. Last year I was determined not to be caught out, but lo and behold he tricked me again. Knowing I like cats, he woke me at 3.00am and told me there was a basket of kittens stuck on our chimney. I immediately climbed out of the bedroom window and shinned up the drainpipe onto the roof. When I got there and saw nothing but the television aerial I realised I had been had. However, the joke wasn't over. When I got back into the bedroom the cheeky devil had filled my slippers with broken glass. I'm determined he won't get me this year. 
The thing that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a teaching post is, how shit must the other people at the interview have been? 
Why don’t NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Lsat week my wife walked in on me whilst I was lying stark naked, masturbating over a copy of Razzle. She said she was disgusted and what I was doing undermined our relationship. If I had walked in on her and found her masturbating stark naked, perhaps playing with a vibrator, rather than undermine it, I think it would strengthen our relationship no end. Honestly, I'll never understand women. 
They say that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks! I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
Radio 2's Steve Wright only reads out letters from people who say how much they love him and his show. I know this because me and my mates write to him regularly to tell him we think he's a cunt and he never reads our letters out.

566-
Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. 
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. 
I just bought a new car and when I insured it, the broker informed me I wasn't covered for acts of God. Imagine my anger when I looked out of my bedroom window in the early hours and saw the Lord scratching it up the side with a key. 
It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt.
I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Currys? 
Has anyone stopped to consider just how unlikely this whole lesbian sex business really is? I mean honestly - two women kissing passionately and rubbing their hands all over each other's soft, smooth, naked bodies, tumbling around together on the eiderdown in a sensuous embrace and gently feeling their way to mutual ecstasy. That has to be a hoax up there with the Hitler diaries and crop circles. 
'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison. 
Why is it that Channel 4's Big Brother are allowed to install loads of cameras in a house and watch the residents' every move. But when I put one tiny camera in my neighbour's bathroom I get bound over for 12 months. There's no justice. 
I was at the U2 gig at Twickenham Stadium last week. Seeing Bono's speech it was clear he is concerned about poverty and fair trade. Perhaps, then, he can explain why I paid seventy quid to get in, and six quid for a fucking cheese pasty and a bottle of pop? 
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny, but the poor sod's face told a different story. 
I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people off buying the product. 

567-
There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.

568-
My boss and colleagues spend half their time criticizing me for things I've done and the other half criticizing me for things I haven't done. I wish they'd make their fucking minds up.
I often receive bills saying 'final demand'. But it never is. If anything they start asking me for more money.
In Charlie and the Chocolate factory, was nobody even a little bit suspicious that, after 20 years in bed, Grandpa Jo jumped to his feet and danced about like Fred Astaire when he got offered a free meal ticket? Lazy fuck.
Bob Geldof, Midge Ure and Bono should all delve into their trillions and 'feed the world' their bloody selves instead of asking us poor fuckers on the dole to feed it. I get £52 a week and can't even feed myself after I've bought my Special Brews, snout and porn. 
'An apple a day keeps the doctor away' according to the old maxim. Well, I'm married to a GP and no matter how many apples I eat the bastard keeps coming home.
Everywhere I go I see signs saying 'Post no bills', yet every day in the post I receive bills from the the gas board, electricity board and telephone company. It's just another example of one rule for multinational utilities and another for the rest of us.'
A little bit of what you fancy does you good' they say. It fucked Gary Glitter's career good and proper, though, didn't it? 
"When a man loves a woman, can't keep his mind on nuthin' else" crooned Percy Sledge during the summer of 1966. I would have to disagree, as during sexual intercourse with my wife I routinely think about our next door neighbour Brenda and her border collie.
It's all very well when the newsreaders remind us that our clocks have to go back, but I've got five clocks in my house and I can't remember where I bought them. 
Ronseal 5 Year Woodstain does exactly what it says on the tin, does it? Funny that. I've looked all over the label and nowhere does it say 'Makes your front door look like an African elephant has wiped its arse on it.' 
When we were at school, a mate of mine told me he used to wank off over Annalise from Neighbours. I never believed him though. Do you think you could ask her politely if she recalls being sprayed with spunk by a teenager from Yeovil, about ten years ago?
How happy Andy Williams sounds as he trills out the line 'The boys watch the girls while the girls watch the boys who watch the girls go by'. Why can't social services adopt a similar carefree attitude when moving me on from the local primary school? 
Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.
I'm fed up with finding my e-mail inbox stuffed full of adverts for penis enlarging pills. In the interests of sexual equality, isn't it about time that they started bombarding women's computers with adverts for fanny tightening tablets? 
'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with,' Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young proclaimed proudly once upon a time. Well I can't be with my girlfriend at the moment, because I'm in Risley Remand Centre awaiting trial for driving offences. And worse, the man in the cell with me is six foot four, called Skull, has Satan tattooed on his forehead and is serving a 7 year stretch for attempted murder. 
According to a recent survey, most wives are too embarrassed to get undressed in front of their husbands with the light on. I wish mine fucking was.
It's all very well these bleeding heart liberals getting on their high horses because the Canadians are culling seals again. They don't have a troupe of seals living next door to them, like I do. If, like me, they were kept awake every night by incessant clapping and the honking of bicycle horns into the early hours, they'd be the first onto the ice floe with a baseball bat, let me tell you. 
They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents. 
It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning. 
I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of. 
Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.
Mums. After your kids have mastered spelling with Alphabetti Spaghetti, buy a tin of the normal stuff so as they can practise joined-up writing.
Estate agents. Please look up the words luxurious, stunning and spacious in a dictionary so as I don't have to spend my weekends being shown around badly-built shoeboxes.

569-
Northerners. On hot summer nights go to bed wearing a shower cap full of frozen peas to cool your head. And when you wake up you'll have a tasty mushy pea snack ready for breakfast.
Bono. Take the piss by spending thousands of pounds on pink tinted sunglasses then ask the working class to give to charity.
Dieters. Buy only Russian Alphabetti Spaghetti as there are only 22 letters in the Cyrillic alphabet. Just watch the pounds fall off
Hospital patients. Arrive for your appointment two hours after the assigned arrival time. That way, you will only have to wait an hour for your doctor to see you.
Experience the thrills of a skiing holiday without the expense. Simply sellotape two planks of wood to your feet, sit in your freezer for three hours, then run into a tree as fast as you can.
Fool your friends into thinking you use expensive butter by simply using cheap margarine and ripping holes in the bread.
Celebrate the birthday of a friend or relative by making your own Happy Birthday banner and strapping it to a roundabout. Motorists are always grateful to be informed of the age of someone they have never met.
Annoy and frustrate SpecSavers staff by wandering up to their counter, squinting your eyes whilst looking up at the price board, and when they ask if they can help you, saying "Big Mac Meal, please."
Bird flu could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.
Police. Save money on expensive sirens by putting a police dog on the roof of your patrol car and shutting the door on its tail before attending a 999 call.
New Zealand tax inspectors. Save time by scrapping the section on the IR3 form asking people to declare 'income from illegal enterprises' as it is unlikely to elicit a great deal of response.
Nuns at St Cuthbert's School in the early 1970s. Demonstrate a keen sense of irony by calling yourselves the 'Sisters of mercy' whilst beating the shit out of us kids on a daily basis with bamboo canes
Mums Make bath nights more fun for the kids by playing 'moth aircraft carrier'. Simply float a shoebox in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the bathroom lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings.
A simple check that your wife has not accidentally left Flash Toilet Wipes on top of the cistern instead of the usual Andrex moist bum wipes will avoid cross words and marital discord.
Motorists Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea
When replying to Nigerian lawyers that offer millions in return for a £50.000 finders fee, only send half the money. Keep the rest until you get the paperwork.
Guys. If your lady's reluctant to swallow, make her eat halloumi cheese to get her used to the taste.
Bi-curious men. Go to a male doctor and complain of rectal bleeding. The resultant erotic anal probe will be a safe way to find out whether gayness is really for you.

570-
Nostalgia..........How long has that been around?

571-
Did you know ...
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb". 
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. 
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone 
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. 
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. 
Coca-Cola was originally green. 
It is impossible to lick your elbow. 
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000 
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. 
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer 
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar 
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. 
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand 
Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women. 
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey 
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight." 
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. 
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" 
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. 
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.......... 
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. 

572-
There's no trick to being a comedian when you have the whole government working for you.

573-
You've probably heard of "deja vu," the illusion of having previously experienced a situation that is happening now. 
Here are some related expressions
Feel like I've...
...milked this cow before: deja moo
...seen this strange animal before: deja gnu
...smelled this bad odour before: deja phew
...visited this menagerie before: deja zoo
...scared this person away before: deja boo
...read this mystery book before: deja clue
...been in this courtroom before: deja sue

574-
All the call centre work in Britain is being outsourced to India. 
Bloody foreigners - staying over there, taking our jobs... 

575-
NEW RULES FOR 2007:

New Rule: Stop giving me that ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavoured water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want flavoured water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavoured water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis .

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

576-
To those of you not familiar with Joe Arpaio, he is the Maricopa County Sheriff (Arizona) and he keeps getting elected over and over again.
These are some of the reasons why:
Sheriff Joe Arpaio created the "tent city jail" to save Arizona from spending tens of million of dollars on another expensive prison complex.
He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.
He banned smoking and porno magazines in the jails, and took away their weightlifting equipment and cut off all but "G" movies. He says: "they're in jail to pay a debt to society not to build muscles so they can assault innocent people when they leave."
He started chain gangs to use the inmates to do free work on county and city projects and save taxpayer's money.
Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.
He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again but only allows the Disney channel and the weather channel.
When asked why the weather channel he replied: "so these morons will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs."
He cut off coffee because it has zero nutritional value and is therefore a waste of taxpayer money. When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back."
He also bought the Newt Gingrich lecture series on US history that he pipes into the jails. When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series that actually tells the truth for a change would be welcome and that it might even explain why 95% of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.
With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record for June 2nd), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed- wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.
On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing pink boxer shorts were chatting in the tents, where temperatures reached 128 degrees. "This is hell. It feels like we live in a furnace," said Ernesto Gonzales, an inmate for 2 years with 10 more to go. "It's inhumane."
Joe Arpaio, who makes his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. "Criminals should be punished for their crimes- not live in luxury until it's time for parole, only to go out and commit more crimes so they can come back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things many taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves."
Wednesday he told all the inmates who were complaining of the heat in the tents: "It's between 120 to 130 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to walk all day in the sun, wearing full battle gear and get shot at, and they have not committed any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!"

577-
Never have sex with a stranger... 
...unless you are stranger than them.

578-
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Let her find out on her own that she's made a really bad mistake.

579-
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals .

580-
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

581-
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels? (Now that's scary!) 

582-
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.

583-
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead.

584-
Signs You're Going to Have a Bad Day
You know it's going to be a bad day when...
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.
You wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed.
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
You get a rejection notice from the HUMOUR Listserver saying that you're no longer funny.
Your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."
You open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"

585-
Useless Facts
1. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
2. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
3. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
4. Every time you lick a stamp, you consume 1/10 of a calorie.
5. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
6. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
7. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
8. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; '7' was selected after the original 7-ounce containers and 'UP' for the direction of the bubbles.
9. 101 Dalmatians, Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, and Mulan are the only Disney cartoons where both parents are present and don't die throughout the movie. .
10. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
11. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
12. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.
13. Reindeer like to eat bananas.
14. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.
15. The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
16. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
17. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
18. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II Killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
19. More people are killed annually by donkeys than airplane crashes.
20. A 'jiffy' is a unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

586-
Q & A
Q: If a tennis player gets tennis elbow, what does a gynaecologist get?
A: Tunnel vision.
---------------------
Q: Why do women have faces?
A: So you know which pussy is yours.
---------------------
Q: What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.
---------------------
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
---------------------
Q: Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?
A: They are cute. They are sweet. And if they give you any lip, you can bite their friggin' heads off.
---------------------
Q: What does a horny toad say?
A: "Rub-it Rub-it"
---------------------
Q: When do you know a man is desperate ?
A: When he practices yoga just so he can give himself head.
---------------------
Q: Who are the three most dangerous men a man can meet?
A1: A black guy with a gun,
A2: A Puerto Rican with a knife,
A3: A gay man with a chipped tooth.
---------------------
Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
---------------------
Q: What is the definition of a bachelor?
A: It's some guy who's depriving some woman of her God-given right to alimony.
---------------------
Q: How can you tell a bachelor from a married man?
A: A bachelor comes to work from a different direction each morning.
---------------------
Q: What is the definition of a "smart ass"?
A: Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavour it is.
---------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
A: 99 times out of 100 you get an onion with long ears.
But that ONE time out of 100, you get a piece of ass that makes your eyes water....
---------------------
Q. What did the mouse say when they gave him viagra?
A. "Here pussy, pussy, pussy!"
---------------------
Q: What's the biggest advantage of speed-reading?
A: You can take a shit in half the time.
---------------------
Q: How can you tell a blonde has been at a computer?
A: There's cheese in front of the mouse.
---------------------
Q: What do women and milk cartons have in common?
A: You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.
---------------------
Q: Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
A: After a month they were fighting tooth and nail.

587-
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.
This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government. However, you may well NOT know that in the month of March 
1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.; Hillary Rodham; John F. Kerry; William Jefferson Clinton; Howard Dean; Nancy Pelosi; Dianne Feinstein; Charles E. Schumer; and Barbara Boxer were born.
That piece of information has now cleared up a lot of things.

588-
The following was written by Ted Nugent, the rock singer and hunter/naturalist, upon hearing that California Senators B. Boxer and D. Feinstein (D) denounced him for being a "gun owner" and a "Rock Star". This was his response after telling the senators about his past contributions to children's charities and scholarship foundations which have totalled more than $13.7 million in the last 5 years!!
Subject: Bad American?
I'm a Bad American - this pretty much sums it up for me. I like big trucks, big boats, big houses, and naturally, pretty women.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I don't care about appearing compassionate. I think playing with toy guns doesn't make you a killer. I believe ignoring your kids and giving them Prozac might.
I think I'm doing better than the homeless.
I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I have the right not to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird or make me mad. This is my life to live, and not necessarily up to others' expectations.
I know what SEX is and there are not varying degrees of it.
I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. But if you want to that's fine; I just don't feel like everyone else should have to.
I believe that if you are selling me a Dairy Queen shake, a pack of cigarettes, or hotel room you do it in English. As of matter of fact, if you are an American citizen you should speak English. My uncles and forefathers shouldn't have had to die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come disrespect ours, and make us bend to your will. Get over it.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry butt if you're running from them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word 'freeze' or 'stop' in English, see the previous line.
I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
I know how to count votes and I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation do a recount when needed.
I know what the definition of lying is, and it isn't based on the word "is" -ever.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you qualify for any special loan programs, gov't sponsored bank loans, etc., so you can open a hotel, 7-Eleven, trinket shop, or any thing else, while the indigenous peoples can't get past a high school education because they can't afford it.
I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet.
I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny.
I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang, but that doesn't mean I want to listen to that crap from someone else's car when I'm stopped at a red light. But I respect your right to.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster or Jack-In-The-Box.
I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package.
Our soldiers did not go to some foreign country and risk their lives in vain and defend our Constitution so that decades later you can tell me it's a living document ever changing and is open to interpretation. The guys who wrote it were light years ahead of anyone today, and they meant what they said - now leave the document alone, or there's going to be trouble.
I don't hate the rich. I help the poor. I know wrestling is fake.
I've never owned, or was a slave, and a large percentage of our forefathers weren't wealthy enough to own one either. Please stop blaming me because some prior white people were idiots - and remember, tons of white, Indian, Chinese, and other races have been enslaved too - it was wrong for every one of them.
I believe a self-righteous liberal Democrat with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
I want to know exactly which church is it where the "Reverend" Jessie Jackson preaches; and, what exactly is his job function.
I own a gun, you can own a gun, and any red blooded American should be allowed to own a gun, but if you use it in a crime, then you will serve the time.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it makes you mad, then invent the next operating system that's better and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.
I don't believe in hate crime legislation. Even suggesting it makes me mad. You're telling me that someone who is a minority, gay, disabled, another nationality, or otherwise different from the mainstream of this country has more value as a human being that I do as a white male. If someone kills anyone, I'd say that it's a hate crime. We don't need more laws! Let's enforce the ones we already have.
I think turkey bacon, turkey beef, turkey fake anything sucks.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child-it takes a parent with the guts to stand up to the kid and spank his butt and say "NO!" when it's necessary to do so.
I'll admit that the only movie that ever made me cry was Ole Yeller. I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid.
I will not be frowned upon or be looked down upon or be made to keep silent because I have these beliefs and opinions. I thought this country allowed me that right. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
Yes, I guess by some people's definition, I may be a bad American.
But that's tough.

589-
BT Help Line Conversations
Customer: "I keep getting inappropriate pop-ups on my computer and don't want my wife to think that it's me." 
Advisor: "I will remove them for you." 
Customer: "How do I get them back when she is not in?" 

Advisor: "Press any key to continue." 
Customer: "I can't find the 'Any' key." 

Customer: "My mouse mat isn't wired up."
Advisor: "I'm not sure I understand, your mouse mat shouldn't have any wires."
Customer: "Well how does it know where my mouse is? Is it wireless?" 

Customer: "I met a man on the internet, can you give me his phone number?" 

Advisor: "You have spyware on your machine which is causing the problem."
Customer: "Spyware? Can they see me getting dressed through the monitor?" 

Customer: "How do I change channel on my monitor?" 
Advisor: "Your monitor won't have channels like a TV." 
Customer: "But I was watching the internet channel the other day and now I just get the word processing channel." 

Advisor: "Can you click on 'My Computer'?"
Customer: "I don't have your computer, just mine." 

Customer: "My 14 year-old son has put a password on my computer and I can't get in." 
Advisor: "Has he forgotten it?" 
Customer: "No he just won't tell me it because I've grounded him." 

Customer: "I have lost my work." 
Advisor: "Let's see if we can get your documents back for you?" 
Customer: "You don't understand, I've lost my job and I want to get on to the internet to find a new one." 

Customer: "My internet isn't working." 
Advisor: "What modem are you using, is everything connected up?" 
Customer: "No I haven't taken the computer or the modem out of their boxes yet!" 

Customer: "My iPod will only play one song."
Advisor: "Which other tracks have you downloaded from iTunes?" 
Customer: "Do I need to download tracks?"

Customer: "My digital camera only takes dark photos."
Advisor: "Have you turned the flash on?" 

Customer: "My family in Australia use BT Softphone, I can see them but they can't see me."
Advisor: "What brand is your webcam?" 
Customer: "What's a webcam?"

590-
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. 
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. 
The average person over 40 years of age can't do it! 
1. This is this cat 
2. This is is cat 
3. This is how cat 
4. This is to cat 
5. This is keep cat 
6. This is an cat 
7. This is old cat 
8. This is fart cat 
9. This is busy cat 
10. This is for cat 
11. This is forty cat 
12. This is seconds cat 
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down.

591-
Lovers of the English language might enjoy this.....How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English??? 
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP." 
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? 
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP a and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? 
We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. 
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir up trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. 
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this up is confusing: 
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. 
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! 
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions 
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. 
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it wets UP the earth. 
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP . 
One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so .... 
Time to shut UP .....! 
Oh...one more thing:! What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? 
U P 

592-
A woman has pleaded guilty to assault after attacking a male stripper who failed to meet expectations at her daughter's bachelorette party. Jacqueline McPoodle, was sentenced to 30 days of court supervision in Greenfield, Illinois and was ordered to pay $2,000 to the victim. 
The 28-year-old man suffered head injuries, bruises and scratches when he was punched, kicked and hit over the head with a beer bottle after his July 2002 performance at a local motel. Police said the women partygoers became angered because while performing allegedly a small potato fell out of the male stripper's briefs on to the floor.

593-
Economics
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The Government says you have to buy a licence to milk them, but first you have to do a risk assessment which only the government Quango is allowed to carry out. They charge you 5 times the cost of doing it. They find that the three legged stool is a risk under health and safety. 
You have to buy the EC approved 5 legged stool that is designed to support a milk maid of up to 250 kilos. It is too heavy to carry. The stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for workers by 4 kilos which just happens to be the weight of the fifth leg. To shift the stool from one cow to the other you therefore need a special (EC approved) trolley. The new stool and trolley are so expensive that you have to mortgage one of the cows to pay for them and pay for the mandatory training course you must take to get your license to milk the cows. 
You sell your milk to the supermarket chain that pays you fuck all for it, and then they sell it to their customers for four times what they paid you. Then they release a press statement about how wonderful they are to support British Cows.
The rest of the world thinks your cows are mad but you and your cows know that it is not true and anyway the rest of the world have no intention of identifying and counting their mad cows so people in other countries don't know their cows are really, really barmy do they. 
You sell your cows to a Polish itinerant worker and your farm to a Russian 'investment bank' and then you leave to buy a villa by the sea in a country where it is sunny and the cost of milk is a tenth the cost of milk at home. They don't have a National Health Service.......but you are so happy and relaxed your health improves and you live to be a hundred. 

594-
Three Little Words That Work !! 
(1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..." 
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. 
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. 
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting. 
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? 
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. 
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home. 
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!! 
(3) Junk Mail Help: When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away 
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope. 
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back. 
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. 
One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. 
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents. 
The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice! 
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea ! 
If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore. 
THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS 

595-
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing.

596-
Words of Wisdom ... 
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

597-
Easy Steps to Gooder Grammar
Don't abbrev.
Check to see if you any words out.
Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
About sentence fragments.
When dangling, don't use participles.
Don't use no double negatives.
Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
Just between You and i, case is important.
Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
Its important to use apostrophe's right.
It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized.
a sentence should begin with a capital and end with a period
Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.
In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.
A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.
Avoid clichés like the plague

598-
If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. 
Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll teach him.

599-
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But....
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so darn easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet--we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen, and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the "mailbox". It would take like a week just to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJs usually talked over the beginning of the song and screwed it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari! With games like "Pong" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens,
it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!
Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theatre there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height. A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed! And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 10 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning, and then only if your dad didn't kick you out of the house (our Dad's lived with us, too -- talk about constant ass kickings and no trying to buy your affection with presents, but I digress). Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for five crummy hours of cartoons, you spoiled little turds!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy You're spoiled, I swear! You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!

600-
BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic.
9. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers.
11 It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
12. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
13. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
14. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
15. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
16. Real men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
17. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
18. There is a common held belief that high speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front. This is true.
19. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because they have brakes.
20. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.
21. It's O.K when driving in suburbs to air your grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one or two finger salute" while screaming out "fucking arsehole". But it is imperative you are driving a turbo charged V6 or a 5 litre V8, with a crow bar in your lap.

601-
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra

602-
Murphy missed a few LAWS 
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. 
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. 
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) 
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 
Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. 
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. 
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. 
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly. 
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. 
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it 

603-
Never hit anyone bigger than you because it's not nice, and you will get the shit beaten out of you.

604-
In the heyday of sailing ships, all warships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannonballs. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon but how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. 
There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. 
The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But, if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. 
Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.”
(And all this time, you thought that was a rude expression, didn't you?)

605-
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

606-
What would you do?...you make the choice.
Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one.
Read it anyway.
My question is:
Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: "When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"
The audience was stilled by the query.
The father continued. "I believe, that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child." Then he told the following story:
Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?"
Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.
Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."
Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted.
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.
However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.
The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly 
Towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.
All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"
Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third!"
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, "Shay, run home! Run home!" Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.
"That day", said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world".
Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the "natural order of things." So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little 
bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

You now have two choices:

1. Delete
2. Forward
May your day, be a Shay Day 

607-
"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

608-
2 important questions in life
How many ticks left in your ticker?
How many pecks left in your pecker?

609-
20 new words you probably didn't know existed
1) anoraky – boring, overly studious, unfashionable, nerdy 
2) automagically – something that is done automatically in an ingenious or inexplicable way, as if by magic. 
3) bimbette – a young, attractive woman thought to lack intelligence or distinctive personality 
4) bippy – the buttocks or backside 
5) celebutante – a celebrity socialite (ie Paris Hilton) 
6) doobrey – a thingummy 
7) Eeyorish – pessimistic, gloomy 
8) fakelore – specious stories with stereotypically folkloric elements falsely presented as genuine folklore 
9) flob – a piece of spittle and mucus that has been spat out 
10) freakazoid – a bizarre or freakish person 
11) fugly – a very ugly person (derived from an expletive and ugly) 
12) hacktivist – a hacker with a social or political message to propagate 
13) hinky – mainly police slang used to mean nervous or uneasy 
14) irritainment – broadcast material that is irritating yet still entertaining 
15) looky-loo – a person who views with no intention to buy, or out of curiosity 
16) scooby – as in “not to have a scooby” – not to have a clue 
17) technopreneur – an entrepreneur in the technology fields 
18) tighty-whities – men’s snug-fitting white cotton underpants 
19) tweener – a person or thing falling between two recognized categories or types 
20) twonk – an idiot, fool 

610-
Lexophile newsletter
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tyred.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

611-
Driving Test
Give yourself one point for every A, two for every B, and three for every C. Tally up the points and consult the list at bottom of page.
1: Which part of your car wears out most often? a: the wiper blades b: the belts c: the horn
2: Automatic door locks are good for... a: security b: convenience c: messing with the heads of people trying to get in
3: I hate the rain because... a: it lowers visibility and makes for less safe conditions b: I answered (a) to question #1 c: I just washed my car
4: Please select the statement that best describes you. a: I have never written in the dust on someone's car b: I have written "wash me" in the dust on someone's car c: I have drawn genitalia in the dust on someone's car
5: The "bright" setting on your headlights is for... a: dark, poorly lit roads b: flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way c: revenge!
6: I have enough power in my car stereo system to... a: get it loud enough to drown out road noise b: get it head banging loud for my Metallica CD c: cause permanent hearing loss to anyone within ten feet
7: How many times have you been pulled over for speeding in the last year? a: zero or one, because I'm generally a safe driver b: two or three, because I've had some unlucky breaks c: before or after they took my license away?
8: What hand gesture do you use most while driving? a: "go ahead" b: "thank you" c: "@#!*&%^!"
9: When a bicyclist is next to you, you should... a: be aware of them b: speed up and get past them c: open the door
10: Your rear view mirror is for... a: watching for approaching cars b: watching for approaching police cars c: checking your hair
11: If you are driving and you begin to feel very sleepy, you should... a: pull off to the side of the road and rest b: stop at the next convenience mart and get a liter of coffee or Mountain Dew c: drive faster
12: The Highway Patrol exists to... a: ensure the safety of all motorists b: issue as many tickets as possible c: keep donut shops in business
13: You are supposed to signal a turn or lane change... a: 50 feet prior b: 25 feet prior c: right after you do it
14: If I had a lot of money, I'd spend it on... a: a minivan b: a really cool sports car or 4-wheeler c: bail
15: The best thing about a chauffeured limousine is... a: I don't have to drive b: I can stretch out, relax, and have a drink c: leaning out the open sunroof and shouting at people.

Scoring The Quiz:
Give yourself one point for every A, two for every B, and three for every C. Tally up the points and consult the list below.
15-24 Points You're a good driver. You watch the speed limit, remain calm, and observe not only the rules of the road, but also the etiquette. And since you drive so safely and so politely, you'll live a long time. Long enough to decelerate with each passing decade until you're one of those old people in a big car, going ten miles under the speed limit in the fast lane and pissing all the rest of us off.
25-35 Points Hey! Joe Average! You're a decent driver without being boring. You get where you're going fast without too much danger. In fact, you're the type of person we all like to ride with... Well, all of us except your mother, because "you're going too fast! Watch out for that car in front of you! You're going to kill us all!"
36-45 Points Remember in driver's education class when they told us to drive defensively? You're the reason.

612-
Q: Know where you can find sympathy?
A: In the dictionary, somewhere between 'shit' and 'syphilis'.

613-
The Internet is like a penis. 
It can be up or down. 
It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

614-
Where Would You Be ...
If - You Had All The Money Your Heart Desires?
If - You Had No Worries?
If - You Came Home And The Finest Meal Is Awaiting You
If - Your Bathwater Had Been Run?
If - You Had The Perfect Kids?
If - Your Partner Was Awaiting You, With Open Arms And Kisses?
So, Where Would You Be?
You'd Be In The Wrong Fucking House ...

615-
Half of all people use the Internet, and the other half of the people have sex with a live partner.

616-
What's the definition of an optimist?
A folk musician with a mortgage.

617-
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the basketball team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule : Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule : If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule : There's no such thing as flavoured water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want flavoured water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavoured water.
New Rule : Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half- soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that--It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule : If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other show 
New Rule : No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule : No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule : If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

618-
Don't ask me why, but old women, for some reason, just don't look right to me when I see them in a thong or using cell phones.

619-
"Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus."

620-
"There is no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary." 

621-
Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world's third- biggest lie -- right after "The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you."
Here is a sampling from the thousands she received:
- "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock."
- "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height."
- "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed."
- "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."
- "You don't look a day over 40."
- "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study."
- "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."
- "The new ownership won't affect you. The company will remain the same."
- "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mum. I promise I'll take care of it myself."
- "Your hair looks just fine."
- "Put away the map. I know exactly how to get there."
- "You don't need it in writing. You have my personal guarantee."
And the REAL third biggest lie: I promise I won't cum in your mouth.

622-
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

623-
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year!

624-
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk to the back of the store for prescriptions, while healthy people buy cigarettes at the front?

625-
QUOTE FOR TODAY
Don't panic, but there has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

626-
21st Century...
Our communication - Wireless 
Our dress - Topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless 
Our food - Fatless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless 
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless 
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our Boss - Brainless
Our Job - Thankless 
Our Salary - Very less

627-
Theory of Relativity: If you could fly twice the speed of light, you could land on Mars, get out of your spaceship and watch yourself come. 
Or, a cheaper way, install mirrors on your bedroom ceiling.

628-
A QUIZ FOR PEOPLE WHO KNOW EVERYTHING
This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers. 
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. 
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? 
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? 
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside? 
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? 
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters " dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them. 
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them? 
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh. 
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S." 

Answers 
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the Participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. Boxing 
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.) 
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . . Asparagus and rhubarb. 
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside . . Strawberry. 
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.) 
6. Three English words beginning with dw . Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.. 
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses. 
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold ! frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce. 
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "s" . Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts. 

629-
Types Of Answers
Abusive .... What's the matter, stupid, don't you know the answer?
Ambivalence .... Well, it could be yes and it could be no.
Amnesia .... I forget.
Antipathy .... You would have to ask me that.
Amorous .... I love the way you ask that question.
Apathy .... I don't care.
Apologetic .... I'm sorry that you have to ask me that.
Argumentative .... Are you looking for a fight?
Authoritarian .... I'll tell you when you can ask me questions!
Bigotry .... I'm not going to tell someone like you.
Blasphemous .... God Dammit, I told you not to ask!
Compulsive .... I want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right now!
Conditional .... Well, it depends.
Damnation .... You and your questions can go to hell!
Depressed .... You would have to ask me that.
Dyslexic .... Gniees sdrawkcab.
Egotistical .... I'm the best person to answer that question.
Evasive .... Have you done your homework today?
Exhausted .... I'm too tired to answer you right now.
Flatulent .... That question really stinks!
Greedy .... What's in it for me if I tell you?
Haemorrhoids .... You know, this is a real pain in the butt!
Hostility .... If you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you!
Hypochondriac .... The thought of it makes me sick.
Ignorance .... I don't know.
Indifference .... It doesn't matter.
Influenza .... You've got to be sick to ask me that question.
Insecure .... I don't think I want to know the answer to that question.
Insensitive .... I don't care if you don't know the answer.
Insomnia .... I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.
Intoxicated .... ** BURP **
Irreverent .... I swear to God, you ask too many questions!
Masturbation .... I can single-handedly answer that question.
Narcissism .... Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?
Nausea .... That question is going to make me vomit.
Nonchalant .... It's not important.
Obstinate .... I'm not going to tell you.
Over-Protective .... I don't know if you're ready for the answer.
Over-Sensitive .... How could you ask me a question like that?
Paranoid .... You think I don't know the answer, don't you?
Pessimistic .... I'm sure I won't give the right answer.
Procrastination .... I'll tell you tomorrow.
Repetitive .... I already told you the answer once before.
Sarcastic .... That's a stupid question to ask me.
Secretive .... I can't tell you right now.
Seductive .... Lets go somewhere private where I can answer that for you.
Self-Centred .... Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.
Senile .... When I was your age, we couldn't ask these questions.
Subjective .... It's all in how you look at the question.
Suspicious .... Why are you asking me all these questions?
Temperamental .... What the heck do you want to know that for?

630-
Funny Book Titles
The French Chef -- by Sue Flay
Unemployed -- by Anita Job
Off to Market -- by Tobias A. Pigg
I Lived in Detroit -- by Helen Earth
Inflammation, Please -- by Arthur Itis
Handel's Messiah -- by Ollie Luyah
Downpour! -- by Wayne Dwops
Cloning -- by Ima Dubble
Irish Flooring -- by Lynn O'Leum
Holmes Does it Again -- by Scott Linyard
Home Alone IV -- by Eddie Buddyhome
The Scent of a Man -- by Jim Nasium
Is O. J. Guilty? -- by Howard I. Know
Animal Illnesses -- by Ann Thrax
French Overpopulation -- by Francis Crowded
Fallen Underwear -- by Lucy Lastic
House Construction -- by Bill Jerome Home
Yellow River -- by Iam Ping
Lewis Carroll -- by Alison Wonderland
Leo Tolstoy -- by Warren Peace
The L. A. Lakers Breakfast -- by Kareem O' Wheat
Why Cars Stop -- by M. T. Tank
Wind in the Willows -- by Russell Ingleaves
Look Younger -- by Fay Slift
Mountain Climbing -- by Andover Hand
It's Springtime! -- by Theresa Green
No! -- by Kurt Reply

631-
How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?
Tell them asylum seekers kill paedophiles. 

632-
They say never work with kids or animals, never more true than in porn.

633-
TRUE FACT: Male sperm (Y) swim faster and die sooner than female sperm (X), because female sperm contain heavier genetic material, which slows them down but allows them to live longer.
THEREFORE: Males with longer penises tend to produce more male offspring because they deposit the sperm closer to the egg and Y sperm cells win the "sprint." Males with shorter penises tend to have more female offspring because sperm is deposited further from the egg, Y sperm die off thus allowing X sperm to win the "marathon."
CONCLUSION: Look at your family. This tells you whether or not your father had a big dick.

634-
Some Funny Thoughts 
- The length of a minute depends entirely on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 
- You may be nobody's fool now, but don't worry ... someone will adopt you. 
- A key ring is a handy little device that was invented so you could lose ALL your keys at once! 
- Repeat after me: we are all individuals! 
- If the NASA scientists are all so smart, why do they count backwards? 
- I used to be indecisive ... I think. 
- A careful study of economics has recently revealed that the best time to buy anything is last year. 
- You've heard that it takes two mystery writers to change a light bulb? One to screw it almost all the way in and a second to give it a surprise twist at the end. 
- For every action there is an equal and opposite government programme. 
- If a shepherd takes care of sheep, shouldn't a coward take care of cows? 
- I'm not cheap ... but I am on special this week. 
- When I'm not in my right mind, well, my left mind can get awful crowded. 

635-
CONGRATULATIONS
To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.
To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital letters the words "Henry Smith." His lawyer told the court: "My client is not a very bright young man."
To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number.
To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.
To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered 'round her coffin in a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going on. Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria, who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in sexual intercourse ... but complained when the pair lit up post-coital cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.

636-
About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room.
I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
ps: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side -- at no charge.

637-
If you have sex with your own clone, are you gay or are you masturbating?

638-
Comic Book Clichés ...
The Lab Accident: person gets superpowers from a laboratory-related accident. As opposed to, you know, dying horribly.
Secret Identity Drip: The hero has a secret identity that is the opposite in personality from the hero: clumsy, slow, low self-esteem, humble, geeky.
Empty Storeroom: A storeroom is always available for changing one's costume. Said storeroom has, ideally, an inconspicuous window.
Reporter girlfriend: The superhero has a reporter girlfriend. She is often modern and liberated (updated from the "I wish Machoid Man would marry me, sigh"), yet somehow she can't take care of herself and needs to be rescued.
See The Body: The law that says that a character is never dead unless you saw the body, took it home, inspected it, did an autopsy, burned it, scattered the ashes from a plane, and even then you can be only about 89 percent sure.
Relative Atmosphere Law: When you open a door or window in an airplane, it is fairly likely that this won't suck you or anything else out. You're often lucky if it so much as blows loose papers around.
Darkest Hour: The hero has crisis of faith only to be told by close friend to suck it up because the world needs him so much. If only real-life acute depression could be solved with a friend telling you, "Snap out of it!"
Simultaneous Recovery Syndrome: If you knock out a whole group of people, they will all wake up at around the same time, even if each was knocked out in a different way.
Fickle Public: at some point in everyone's hero career, something inevitably happens to make the public forget everything good they ever did. The public usually turns back the other way pretty quickly, however.

639-
SAVE money on sex-lines by phoning up the Samaritans and threatening to kill yourself unless they talk dirty.
MONKS. Conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It's more comfortable and you'll be able to watch TV and use the internet.
RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.
DEVOUT Catholics. If the Lord has not yet made Himself visible, perhaps you are looking in the wrong place. Try paying more attention to the flaking paint on your walls, the rust on your frying pan or the mouldy stains on your carpet as these are the sort of places where He usually turns up. 
DOG OWNERS. Never lose your TV remote control again. Simply sellotape it to the back of your dog, and hey presto! Whistle, and the device is at your beck and call! This can also apply to hot drinks, after intense training.
THEATRE NURSES. If the surgeon you work with is called Simon, brighten up mundane procedures by refusing to pass any equipment to him until he uses the prefix "Simon Says". Remember even when he shouts "Give me the ligature, this child is DYING?!" he's probably just trying to get you out.
FEEL a bit like God for the day by making some little people out of plasticine, and then judging them harshly.
TRAMPS. Avoid being constantly moved on by sleeping outside department stores and telling the police you are simply queuing early for the sales.
CONTACT lens wearers. Keep your eyes snug and warm this winter by adding a few drops of chilli sauce to your cleaning solution. 
PARENTS. Half a cocktail stick with a blob of nail varnish on the end makes an ideal "safety match" that your children can play with without the risk of setting fire to anything. 
KIDS. Threading a piece of string through a ping pong ball and painting it brown is ideal for a fun game of conkers that conforms with the 1974 Health & Safety Act, section 52, paragraph c.

640-
TOP TIPS:
1 When trying to impress girls on the web, via bluetooth or dating agency, simply take a digital photo of your erect cock next to one of those airline-size cans of coke. It is much less contentious than getting a small child to hold it. 
2 Do you find lovemaking boring? Not getting the same thrill from it that you used to? Just the same old repetitive thing?
Try finding someone to do it with.
3 Ease overcrowding on the London Tube by standing right in the middle of the station entrance, so that no more passengers can enter.

641-
Funny Things about The English Language ...
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. 
If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? 
Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim! 
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in Eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England . We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. 
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham. Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? 
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an Asylum for the verbally insane. 
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a Recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? 
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. 
So if Father is Pop, how come Mother isn't Mop? 
And that is just the beginning--even though this is the end 

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Trivia
"Ithyphallophobia" is a morbid fear of seeing, thinking about or havin