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Deep Thoughts 2

201-
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humour.

202-
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

203-
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --

204-
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started

205-
Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself. 
To My Friend, 
When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 
When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 
When you smile, I'll know you finally got a shag. 
When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get. 
When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to shut up. 
When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to you, you thick idiot. 
When you are sick, stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want to catch it. 
When you fall, I will point and laugh at you - clumsy twat! 
This is my oath, I pledge 'till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend! 
If you wish to, send this poem to five friends or else you will get depressed because you realise you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway. 
P.S. A friend will help you move house. A really good friend will help you move a body 

206-
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish?

207-
How weird is this...
While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot.
While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
What direction is your foot going now? - Weird

208-
This week's Eejit of the Week Award goes to...
All those people out there who made it necessary for the manufacturer of a fold-up baby stroller pram to include the following warning with their product: "Remove child before folding."

209-
You know how you read about all them international terrorists in the States, and most of them went there legally, but they kept hanging around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years? Now, compare that to Blockbuster Video - if you're two days late with a vid, those people are all over you. So our advice is: put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. Sorted.

210-
Grandmother used to take my mother to the circus to see the fat lady and tattooed man - now they're everywhere.

211-
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination."- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."- Billy Wilder 

212-
What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common? 
Same middle name. 

213-
If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples.

214-
Alcohol never solved any problems..
But then again neither has milk

215-
You will experience great sex within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on. Since the copy must tour the world, you must make ten copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours.
After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of orgasms of his life. 
John Elliot tried to pick up a prostitute, but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his neighbours. 
In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray's trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for the price of one.
Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make ten copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had ever paid her at work.
Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed ten copies. A few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years!
Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot coffee in his crotch.
In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis.
Beware, however of the fate of the E-mail user at Trent University, Peterborough, ONT, that sent this letter to himself over five thousand times in one afternoon. Before leaving the computer lab a strange woman came up behind him, bit his ear and put her hand down his pants. The ensuing surprise caused him to stumble forward and cry out. As he attempted to arrest his fall by grabbing a nearby PC, a gob of spittle that had been flung from his mouth (as he cried out) landed deep into the inner recesses of the computer, all three (student, strange woman and computer) then experienced simultaneous Cyber-Orgasms of exponential intensity before exploding in a puff of smoking data.
You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling. Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices.

216-
Next time you give your clothes away, stay in them. 
Next time you pass my house, I'll appreciate it. 
If you ever need me, please hesitate to call. 
I'll never forget the first time we met - but I'm trying. 

217-
Definition of Progress:-
The process through which the Internet has evolved from smart people in front of dumb terminals to dumb people in front of smart terminals. 

218-
More Deep Thoughts

What is a man's view of safe sex? 
A padded headboard.

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

219-
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the extinction of the dinosaurs. Well, the tallest ones, anyway. 

220-
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Fcuknig amzanig eh

221-
I just heard on CNN that the average cost for a Nursing Home per day in the USA is $188!! 
Now, I figure it this way, I can get a real nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65... that leaves $123 for beer, food (room service), laundry, Elvis collectibles, gratuities and clothes. 
They have a swimming pool, some even have a workout room (therapy), a lounge, cable (recreation), washer dryer (if I am too impaired, a child or grandchild can pick up my clothes once a week, or they could rotate, that way everyone would only have to do it twice a year). 
Most have free toothpaste and razors, but all have free shampoo and soap. 
There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's all right, it takes months to get into some Nursing Homes. 
There is the Senior bus, the Handicap bus, a Church bus or van, cabs, alert cabs, public transportation! 
You have security and if someone sees you drop over, I am sure they would call an ambulance (if you break your hip, hopefully the family would be smart enough to sue). What more could you ask for?! 
With AAUP and other Senior discounts, I could be liven' pretty damn nicely. 
So, when I reach that Golden age, help me keep my grin, just check my old rickety ass into the nearest Holiday Inn! 

222-
More Rejected Children's Book Titles:
1. Juggling Knives is Easy
2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven
3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want
5. "Whatcha' Doin'" the Wonderful Phrase
6. 101 Games to Play in the Road
7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher
8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer and a Fork
9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games
10. Arthur Gets Hunted
11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
12. Monsters Killed Grandpa
13. The hit sequel to "Elvis is your real dad" Mrs.Claus is your real Mum
14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul
15. All Guns Squirt Water
16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
20. 101 recipes to make with Dog
21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree
22. The New Boy is Bad
23. Your Nightmares are real
24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabies
26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender
27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious.....
28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower
31. Grampa Gets A Casket
32. Dad's New Wife Robert
33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator

223-
If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.
If your teen-age son kills himself or the next door neighbours, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.
If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...
So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

224-
There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

225-
If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH can stand for O as in Dough
If PHTH can stand for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH can stand for A as in Neighbor
If TTE can stand for T as in Gazette
If EAU can stand for O as in Plateau
Then the right way to spell POTATO should be:
"GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU"

226-
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. 
But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. 
Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

227-
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

228-
Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. 
"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten." he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. 
One remarked to her colleague, "You know the person that did this really needs help."

229-
QUESTIONS
1-What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2-What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3-What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4-What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5-Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?
6-What does a dog do that you can step into?
7-What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
8-What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
9-What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
10-What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
ANSWERS: 
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (pants)
7. (fork)
8. (Almond Joy candy bar)
9. (grit)
10. (last name) 

230-
Tip #1: GOLFERS! Always wear two pairs of trousers, in case you get a hole in one.

Tip #2: PARENTS TO BE! Need an exotic Far Eastern-sounding name for your newborn? Simply drop some silverware on the floor - whatever sound it makes is what to name your kid.

Tip #3: KIDS! Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing. And as a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Tip #4: PEOPLE IN HORROR FILMS! If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

231-
A Halloween Safety Public Service Announcement . . . .
As we all prepare for the upcoming Halloween season, please take a few minutes to read some simple rules to help keep everyone safe.
1. - Don't assume the telephone calls are coming from another house.
2. - When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
3. - Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
4. - Don't go into the basement to check the power when the lights go out!
5. - If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
6. - When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone.
7. - Don't have sex. Especially if you've noticed a few of your friends are missing!
8. - As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open a portal to Hell.
9. - Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
10. - If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, don't stand there sighing with relief, GET THE HELL OUT!
11. - If appliances start operating by themselves, don't check for short circuits; JUST GET OUT!
12. - Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
13. - If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
14. - Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
15. - If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely ambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
16. - If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
17. - Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
18. - If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had a full tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and will most likely be eaten.
19. - Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
20. - If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

232-
Bad Days - All true
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. 
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband. While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside.
She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. 
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming.
Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. 
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, lost his grip on the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm. 
                                    ******************************************
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. 
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
                                     ******************************************
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. 
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. 
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
                                       ******************************************
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.
                                       ******************************************
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

233-
FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN 
1.Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify in one word, the reason Why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3.There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
FINAL thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

234-
One of life's disappointments is discovering that the man who writes the bank's ads is not the one who makes the loans.

235-
TRULY Helpful Holiday Cleaning Tips:
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibres. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

236-
"The Washington Post's Snigglet Invitational" once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2003 winners:
1 Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
2 Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
3 Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
4 Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5 Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
6 Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7 Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8 Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9 Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10 Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
11 Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12 Glibido: All talk and no action.
13 Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14 Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15 Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast-out.
16 Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. 

237-
So many cats.... so few recipes

238-
Having a Bad Day?
A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go. 
                                                    *****************************
A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel!!. The concrete then hardened (no shit!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy, have I led a sheltered life!) 
                                                     *****************************
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy. 

239-
More Quotes
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. (Henny Youngman)

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. ( Mark Twain)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)

At my age flowers scare me. (George Burns)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)

A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. (W.C. Fields)

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields)

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him " Be fruitful and multiply". But not in those words . . . . . (Woody Allen)

If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. (Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. (Woody Allen)

If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans. (Woody Allen)

Those are my principals, if you don't like them...... I have others." (Groucho Marx)

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. (Mark Twain) 

240-
Tortured English
-- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
-- A backward poet writes inverse.
-- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
-- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
-- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
-- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
-- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
-- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
-- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
-- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
-- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
-- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
-- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
-- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
-- What's the definition of a will? - It's a dead give away.
-- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
-- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
-- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
-- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
-- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
-- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
-- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
-- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
-- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
-- Every calendar's days are numbered.
-- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
-- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
-- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
-- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
-- A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
-- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
-- Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
-- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
-- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
-- Acupuncture is a jab well done.

241-
It's hard to remember you only came to drain the lake when you're up to your bollocks in alligators.

242-
If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation. 

243-
Growing old disgracefully
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old ... as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat what you want 'till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see me flaunt it.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose - some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
Isn't it scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker?
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says: "For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age.. but they haven't yet made one called: "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flushes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
Don't let ageing get you down...It's too hard to get back-up.
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!

244-
Veni, vidi, vice -- (I came, I saw, I partied) 
Quip pro quo -- (A fast retort) 
Aloha oy! -- (Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know) 
Mazel ton -- (Lots of luck) 
Apres Moe, le deluge -- (Larry and Curly get wet) 
Porte-Kochere -- (Sacramental wine) 
Iic liebe rich -- (I'm really crazy about having dough) 
Fui generis -- (What's mine is mine) 
VISA la France -- (Don't leave chateau without it) 
Ca va sans dirt -- (And that's not gossip) 
Merci rien -- (Thanks for nothin') 
Amicus puriae -- (Platonic friend) 
L'etat, c'est moo -- (I'm bossy around here) 
L'etat, c'est Moe -- (All the world's a stooge)

245-
And the lion shall lay down with the lamb.
But it’s the lion that’s going to get the better night’s sleep.

246-
The world is so fast that there are days when the person who says it can't be done is interrupted by the person who wants to institute regulations to fine all those people who are already doing it. 

247-
Psycho test
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down for the result:
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, She believed him to be her dream and she fell in love with him right there and then but, being ladylike, didn't ask him for his number and no matter how hard she tried she could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What was her motive in killing her sister?

Give this some thought before you answer.


(Scroll Down)



(Scroll Down)




Answer:
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly - good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off of my email address book. 

248-
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity........ I enjoy it. 

249-
"I rely on my personality for birth control."

250-
All extremists should be taken outside and shot

251-
I'm trying to see it from your point of view but I just can't get my head that far up my ass.

252-
I'd sooner have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy

253-
20 Ways to Maintain Your Sanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".
8. Dont use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera (or to the classical station on your radio).
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!"
19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20. Dress up like a pilot, go to the airport lounge and get drunk like hell.

254-
The voices in my head told me to do it....... 
You are talking to one of the voices....

255-
I have come here to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I'm all out of bubble gum

256-
If you can keep your head, when others around you are losing theirs... THEN YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION YOU'RE IN!

257-
Crowd (in unison): Yes, we are all individuals 
Lone voice at back: I'm not!

258-
There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. 
11. "What the fuck do you mean we're sinking?" 
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 
10. "What the fuck was that?" 
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 
9. "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?" 
-- Custer, 1877 
8. "Any fucking idiot could understand that." 
-- Einstein, 1938 
7. "It does so fucking look like her!" 
-- Picasso, 1926 
6. "How the fuck did you work that out?" 
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC 
5. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" 
-- Michelangelo, 1566 
4. "Where the fuck are we?" 
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937 
3. "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!" 
-- Noah, 4314 BC 
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out?" 
-- Bill Clinton, 1999 
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad." 
-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003

259-
I love animals... They’re delicious! 
If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

260-
You Know You're Living in the Year 2004 when...
1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells for half the price you paid.
7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.
13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. ; )
19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
20. Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward this to...

261-
By definition, half the world population is below average intelligence and I am not too certain about the rest!

262-
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

263-
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

264-
There is a famous saying which states that "necessity is the mother of invention", however the inventions on this list seem far from necessary. 
1. Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty? 
2. Coloured Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough. 
3. Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them. 
4. Juicers: Carrot-peach-avocado-rutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be. 
5. Coloured Contact Lenses: Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye colour. 
6. Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes. 
7. The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic. 
8. Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly. 
9. Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats: Your not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a pressing concern. Get in, do your thing, and get out. 
10. Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie. 
11. Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers. 

265-
Don't take life too seriously, after all, you won't get out alive.

266-
I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

267-
If I were a midget used-car dealer, my motto would be "You can trust me as far as you can throw me."

268-
Before I met you, I hadn't realised Attention Span Deficit could be acquired.

269-
* I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
* I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
* I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
* I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
* A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
* My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
* I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
* You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
* Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
* Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
* I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
* Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize 

270-
The following ad in The Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls:
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting,
camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours. 
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

271-
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." 

272-
Do you know Jack???
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them

273-
The Greatest Mistakes of All Time by Martha Brockenbrough
"Genius? Nothing! Sticking to it is the genius! ... I've failed my way to success." -Thomas Edison. Sit down. Pour yourself a Coke, have a chocolate chip cookie-whatever you like. Then, grab a yellow sticky note and write this down: MISTAKES ARE GOOD! You may have heard this before, but I bet you still hate the idea of screwing-up and embarrassing yourself in front of everybody. This is understandable. We aren't very nice to people who make mistakes.
Unless you somehow manage not to do anything ever again, you will mess up, somehow, somewhere. I promise. If you have the right frame of mind, though, that mistake could turn out to be one of the most valuable, most important, most memorable, or most delicious accidents in history. It's happened before--too many times for me to describe without giving you severe eyestrain. There's a great little book on the topic called 'Mistakes that Worked', by Charlotte Foltz Jones. It's written for kids, but it's the sort of thing that's a fun read even for adults. I've picked my favourite mistakes from history, science, and folklore. Some are familiar. We already know, for instance, that Christopher Columbus meant to sail to Asia, not America. We may never have pondered other mistakes, however. Where would Jack be if his mother hadn't tossed his magic beans out the window? Not up the beanstalk getting golden eggs from the giant's goose, that's for sure. And where would Cinderella be had she not dropped her glass slipper? Cleaning the fireplace, that's where. (By the way, did you know that the original Cinderella story had her wearing a fur shoe? A French writer made a mistake when he wrote the story down in 1697, confusing two homonyms--vair, an Old French word for fur, and verre, which is French for glass. But it was a good mistake, making for much more romantic story, and much better fashion.)
And now for the rest...
Coca-Cola, chocolate chip cookies, and yellow sticky notes. Did you wonder why I invited you to have a snack at the beginning of this story? It was because both Coca-Cola and chocolate chip cookies were mistakes - or at least unexpected delights. And yellow sticky notes were the result of a failure. Here's what happened:
Innkeeper Ruth Wakefield was baking Butter Drop Do cookies one day in the 1930s using a recipe that dated back to colonial times. She cut up a Nestlé chocolate bar and put the chunks in the batter, expecting them to melt. Wakefield thought she'd be pulling chocolate-flavoured cookies out of the oven. Instead, what she got were butter cookies studded with gooey chocolate chips. Her mistake became one of the most favourite cookies of all time.
Coca-Cola was the result of another delicious accident. In 1886 a pharmacist named John Pemberton cooked up a medicinal syrup in a large brass kettle slung over an open fire, stirring it with an oar. When he was done, he figured he had created a fine tonic for people who were tired, nervous, or plagued with sore teeth. Coke didn't make it as medicine, and wasn't even an instant success as a beverage. In the first year, Pemberton spent $73.96 promoting his new product but managed to sell only $50 worth. Today people guzzle 1 billion drinks a day from the Coca-Cola company (they make more than Coke), which is quite encouraging for us everyday screw-ups.
Yellow sticky notes, officially known as Post-it Notes, got their start in 1968 when a 3M researcher tried to improve adhesive tape. What he got was a semisticky adhesive--not exactly what you want out of tape. Even so, he knew he had something cool--he just didn't know what to do with it. Four years later, another 3M scientist was getting frustrated. This scientist was a member of his church choir, and he kept dropping the bookmarks stuck in his hymnal. What he needed was something that would stick without being too sticky - something just like that weak glue his colleague had accidentally created. In 1980 the Post-it Note became an official product and a huge hit. Another 3M scientist came up with a cool substance called Scotchguard, which helps prevent dirt from staining fabric. But that wasn't what she set out to create: Scotchguard grew out of an attempt to make a synthetic rubber to be used in airplane fuel lines. One day some of the new substance spilled on her assistant's canvas shoe, and they couldn't get it off. As the tennis shoe grew older, it got dingy--everywhere except where the substance had spilled. It took three more years of tinkering, but they had their Scotchguard.
Tyres and Silly Putty
Rubber got its name when English scientist Joseph Priestley discovered that a wad of it was good at "rubbing out" pencil mistakes on paper. But the rubber really hit the road-literally-when someone figured out how to stabilize it for use in boots, tires, and the like. The problem was that rubber melted if it got too hot and shattered if it got too cold. A colourful character named Charles Goodyear tried to fix this problem in several ways, but it wasn't until (according to legend) he accidentally dropped a blob of rubber and sulphur on a hot stove that he found something that worked. Goodyear denied this was a mistake, but the point is that he had the savvy to know he was on to something good. Rubber shortages during World War II prompted the U.S. government to look for a synthetic rubber. It seemed like a good idea to try to make this substitute for rubber out of something plentiful, and researchers eventually settled on silicone. An inventor at General Electric added a little boric acid to silicone oil and developed a gooey, bouncy substance. This substance failed as a substitute for rubber, but after the war it became an extremely popular toy known as Silly Putty. Apollo 8 astronauts later used it to stabilize their tools in zero gravity. (The astronauts carried their Silly Putty in sterling silver eggs.) Today, Binney & Smith (the company that makes Silly Putty) produces 20,000 eggs' worth of Silly Putty a day.
The implantable cardiac pacemaker and penicillin.
Some errors have saved lives. Before Wilson Greatbatch came along, people with irregular heartbeats had to control their pulse using a sometimes painful external device invented in 1952 by Paul Zoll. The external pacemaker was about the size of a small television, and administered life-saving jolts of electricity, which sometimes burned the skin. Greatbatch, a medical researcher, was working on a device to record irregular heartbeats when he accidentally inserted a resistor of the wrong size. He noticed that the circuit pulsed, stopped, and pulsed again--just like a human heart. After two years of tinkering, Greatbatch had made the first implantable pacemaker. He later invented a corrosion-free lithium battery to power it, and millions have benefited. Penicillin is another famous example of a mistake turned good. In 1928 scientist Alexander Fleming noticed that mold spores had contaminated one of the bacteria samples he had left by an open window. Instead of discarding his ruined experiment, Fleming took a close look and noticed the mold was dissolving the harmful bacteria. And that's how we got penicillin, which helps people around the world recover from infections.
This brings to mind a powerful quote by scientist Louis Pasteur, "Where observation is concerned, chance favors only the prepared mind," and another, by writer James Joyce, "Mistakes are the portals for discovery."
What they mean is that you should look carefully--and study your errors. You may find things you were never looking for, things that could change the world, or at the very least, taste really good. 

274-
Why did the chicken cross the road?
SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road.
This is a complete fabrication, we do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
KOFI ANAN
We have yet to pass a resolution commissioning the identification of this animal and it is far too early to discuss any road.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MARY WHITEHOUSE
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken? I don't remember a chicken
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chick book - and Internet Eggsplorer is an integral part of eChicken2003.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
What is your definition of chicken?
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Shit. I missed one?

275-
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history.... with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

276-
As I've matured, 
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. 
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just ass-holes. 
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. 
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. 
After that, you'd better have a big willie or huge boobs. 
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed-up than you think. 
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished. 
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. 
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be a lot of money to take its place! 
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it 
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. 
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe 
Something good will happen. 
If not...tough shit! 

277-
A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead. 

278-
Sex Facts
* Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any group of mammals that exist- especially fruit bats. (batty) 
* Lions will have sex about 500 times with one mate. This is to ensure fertilization. (any excuse) 
* In Texas it is illegal to have sex with a fish, in Florida it is illegal to get a fish drunk, and N. Carolina thought both laws were good so there it is illegal to have sex with a drunk fish. 
* Sperm Whales are sexually mature at birth. 
* In Argentina, it is rumoured that eating cats is good for your health and stimulates sexual potency. 
* You can tell a turtle's sex by its sound. Males grunt, females hiss. 
* Human birth control pills work on gorillas. 
* The eagle has sex while going up to 60 mph. in flight, and it is common for both eagles to hit the ground before they finish. (out with a bang) 
* Apart from humans, certain species of chimpanzee are the only animals to experiment sexually. They have been known to 'wife swap' and indulge in group sex. (brings a whole new meaning to monkeying around) 
* According to Dr. David Gems, a British geneticist, sex-craved male mice, who spend 5 to 11 hours per day pursuing female mice, could live years longer if they abstained. ( tell that to Bill Clinton) 
* In the past 60 years, the groundhog has only predicted the weather correctly 28% of the time. The rushing back and forth from burrows is believed to indicate sexual activity, not shadow seeking. 
* A certain musical note can sexually excite cats -- the same note when played for kittens makes them want to go to the bathroom. 
* If disconnected, the sex organs (or gonads) of an armadillo are still active. 
* The ten-inch Banana Slugs of the Northwest end their 30 hour hermaphroditic mating session by chewing off each other's male sex organs. (banana bobbit) 
* Mosquitoes perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds. (some women have met a man like this) 
* The largest living animal, the blue whale, naturally enough also has the largest penis, measuring approximately 10 feet long and 1 foot in diameter. It's cousin, the sperm whale, gets as big as 9 feet. And yes, the sperm whale is so named because early sailors thought those gallons of white, gooey oil found in its head was indeed sperm. (met one or two sperm women) 
* Long a symbol of sexual potency, the rhinoceros can ejaculate ten times or more during his half hour session with a female. They also have penises that are 2 feet long. (what did you expect with a horn like that) 
* Though barnacles can't move, they still mate via an extraordinarily long penis (150% their body length) that reaches over and into the female's mantle cavity. 
* Female chimpanzees have been observed masturbating with their fingers, twigs and a water faucet. (stay off the water) 
* A drone honeybee will wait his whole life for one chance to mate with a queen. As soon as the queen opens her sting chamber to receive him, he explodes, his genitals bursting forth like a detonating grenade. Plugged, the queen flies away, leaving the drone to fall to the ground dead and eviscerated, albeit with a smile on his face. 
* Fleas are known to engage in sex immediately after feasting on rabbit's blood specifically if the opportunity presents itself. 
* Gorilla penises are only a third of that of an average man's. 
* Humans aren't the only female animals that can experience orgasm; some rabbits and ferrets do as well. (how do they find this out) 
* A whale's penis is called a dork, which incidentally, is where we get the derogatory slang. 
* Porpoises have been known to engage in group sex. (they do it on porpoise) 
* Pigs do indeed have a corkscrew-shaped penis. When engaged in sex, the male's penis will make semi-rotary actions until it becomes firmly secured in the folds of the female's cervix at which point the male ejaculates, a process which in itself takes as long as 30 minutes. (is why they call it a screw) 
* Female baboons have been known to engage in a primitive form of prostitution by stealing food during sex. 
*The average mink sexual encounter lasts for several hours (how do you think they get their coats so shiny?) 
* 22.75 hours is the current record for the longest rattlesnake mating session. 
* The female bedbug is born without any external sex organs. So the male bedbug has to drill his pointed penis to drill a hole into her partner's gut and deposit his sperm into her bloodstream. During long spells without access to human blood, the female's been known to dine on her male partner's semen. (go on drill her) 
* Capuchin monkeys usually say hello by showing each other their erections. 
* Perhaps the originator of the "quickie," a baboon engages in a typical sex session that lasts all of 15 seconds. 

279-
A tiny sports car leaves a lot to be desired as a midnight trysting spot two secret lovers have learned.
Wedged into a two-seater, a near-naked man was suddenly immobilized by a slipped disc, trapping his woman companion beneath him, according to a doctor writing in a medical journal here. The desperate woman tried to summon help by honking the horn with her foot. A doctor, paramedics, firemen and a group of passers-by quickly surrounded the couple's car in Regents Park. "The lady found herself trapped beneath 200 pounds of pain-racked, immobile man." said Dr. Brian Richards. '"To free the couple, firemen had to cut away the car frame," he added. 
The distraught woman helped out of the car and into a coat, sobbed,
"'How am I going to explain to my husband what has happened to his car?"

280-
Headlines or Oxymorons or Moronic Headlines?
Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies In House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
President Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Enfield’s Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni
Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis
Headless Body Found In Topless Bar

281-
Too many people spend too much money they haven't earned, to by things they don't want, to impress people they don't like.

282-
A good job well done is like wetting yourself in a dark suit, no one notices but you do get a nice warm feeling.

283-
THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES
Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.
Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.
There is no access to fast food.
Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
There's only one TV between them and there is NO REMOTE
The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.
They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.
The last man wins . only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years ... eventually earning the right to be called
"Mother."

284-
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job

285-
Some of your old favourites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon - "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles - "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
Credence Clearwater Revival - "Bad Prune a-Rising"
Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who - "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

286-
Edward Bulwar Lytton prize 
The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries. 
Some recent winners: 

"As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it." 

"Just beyond the Narrows the river widens." 

"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description." 

"Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: 'Andre creep ... Andre creep ... Andre creep.'" 

"Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved." 

"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from seeking out a living at a local pet store." 

"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do." 

"Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor." 

"Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death-in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies." 

AND THE BEST OF ALL: 

"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 
"You lied!" 

287-
How is it that on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the best, everyone wants to be #1?

288-
Ponder this...
If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, which really is the dumber sex?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch' but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to live with women?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to? 

289-
Four worms were placed in separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day: The first worm, in alcohol - was dead. Second worm - in cigarette smoke - was also dead. Third worm, in sperm - dead too. The fourth worm, in soil - was still alive. 
The Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms! 

290-
Lord Of the Rings in a Nutshell
Gandalf: That ring is bad news, Frodo, it must be destroyed.
Frodo: How so ?
Gandalf: It must be placed in the fires of Mount Doom.
Frodo: Oh well, I guess that means a lot of walking, camping and then running away from monsters, lots of death and almost losing all my friends?
Galdalf: Nah, I know some big eagles that can fly us straight to the mountain and we can drop it in the lava. We'll be home by tea.
Frodo: Nice one! I'll make scones.

291-
According to a new study, men who have frequent orgasms, like at least once a day, may be protecting themselves from prostate trouble.
Doctors say this is true whether they use a partner or not.
So, men, your health is in your hands.

292-
A sniglet is a word that should be in the dictionary but isn't. Sniglets are the brainchild of comedian Rich Hall who, with a little help from his friends, wrote a series of books containing sniglets in the mid-eighties. With a little help from Rich Hall and our readers, here are some IT-related sniglets we think should be in the dictionary but aren't: 
Execuglide - to manoeuvre oneself around the room while seated in a wheeled office chair. 
Animousity - vigorously clicking your pointer device because a page is loading too slowly. 
Screen spasm - pages that try to load simultaneously on your computer screen as a direct result of your animousity. 
Prairedogged - the feeling of helplessness that overtakes you when co-workers in neighbouring cubicles constantly pop their heads up to ask you stupid questions. 
Cellphonic appraisal - the activity that occurs when a ringing cell phone causes everyone in the room to check and see if it's theirs. Gadaboutag - the orphan html tag that's messing up your page. 
Dopeler effect- the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 
Dot gone - last year's e-commerce hopeful. 
Tacitician - a conference call participant who performs non-work related tasks without being overheard. 
Fonesia - the affliction that strikes when you dial a phone number and forget whom you were calling just as they answer. 
Egotictic - the amount of time wasted because you stubbornly refuse to look it up in the manual. 
WAPathy - lack of interest in wireless technology. 
Crapplet - a poorly written or totally useless Java applet 
Zen mail - an e-mail message that arrives without text in the message body. 

293-
16 year old Stephen Barton, a pupil at one of England's leading fee paying schools, returned from school for his Christmas holidays in what appeared to be some measure of discomfort. When quizzed by his mother, he said that he had received a "low blow" during a game of rugby and was sure that the passage of time would heal all ills. Unfortunately this proved not to be the case and on his third day home he was unable to walk. His mother insisted he visit the family doctor, a demand to which the incapacitated Stephen succumbed. On arrival at the surgery Stephen carefully removed his underwear to reveal that his scrotum was swollen to nearly four times it's natural size and was bruised almost entirely black with a number of small puncture wounds to the right hand side showing clear signs of established infection. 
The doctor, realising that he was not personally equipped as a GP to properly treat such a "sporting" injury, immediately called an ambulance to take his patient to hospital. Stephen was rushed into hospital where he immediately underwent surgery to properly investigate and remedy the injury. 
The infection was advanced and Stephen ended up having his right testicle removed as the infection appeared to have spread into the gland. To his surprise, the surgeon removed what were later identified as "a large number of brown glass splinters" from the boy's scrotum and the highly infected (and now ex)testicle. It was the surgeon's opinion that these had been "introduced" to Stephen's nether regions at the time of the injury. 
Realising that this was not as it had first appeared, Stephen's mother asked what kind of assault he had been a victim of with the intention of taking serious issue with his not inexpensive school as to how such an accident could occur. In an effort not to make a fuss Stephen admitted to the following episode: At an unofficial end of term Christmas party after lights out, Stephen had drunkenly accepted a bet with the boys in his dorm that he could not fit both his testicles into a medium sized Marmite jar. With drunken confidence, and in order to win a large sum of money from his fellow students, Stephen did indeed manage to perform the trick. However, such is the shape of a Marmite pot that Stephen was not able to remove them from it after winning his money. Much to the enjoyment of the rest of the party-goers he crept off to the bathroom to try to remove the pot. Having been unable to remove the pot for two days and in extreme discomfort with his testicles swelling, Stephen took drastic measures and went to the empty CDT room and with a hammer smashed the pot. Yes that's right, he smashed a glass pot from around his testicles with a hammer! Unsurprisingly, this was not a clinical operation and also where the damage was really done. As they say - Marmite, you either love it or you hate it. 

294-
Definitions 
Tit Pants: - A Bra. 
X-Piles: -= Unwanted visitors from Uranus 
Air Buffet: - A lingering gaseous meal, larger than an air biscuit. 
Armbreaker: - Particularly energetic wank. 
Arse Spider: -Tenacious well knotted winnit that cannot be removed without bringing 8 spindly hairs with it. 
Audition the finger puppets: - A single-act, one man show not suitable for children. 
Autograph the gusset: - To allow the turtles head to sign the inside of your underpants. 
Bacon strips: - External female genitalia. 
Barnes Wallace: - The type of turd that sends a splash of water onto your undercarriage after release from the bomb bay. 
Beaded curtain: - A luxuriant crop of clagnuts. 
Beef box: - A container into which sausages are put. 
Benny Hill: - Rhyming slang, female contraceptive. 
Biffer: - A particularly hairy minge. 
Bilge tanks: - "Double gut" effect caused by too tight a belt. 
The blind dirt snake: - A malodorous, legless lizard inhabiting cak canyon which migrates south every morning. 
Brown Daisy: - Unpleasantly scented flower which attracts flies rather than bees. 
Budgies tongue: - Descriptive, the female erective bit!! 
Bum Goblin: - A gnarled malevolent turd that jumps out behind you casting a painful spell on your ringpiece! 
Burma: - Acronym, "Be upstairs ready my angel" See POLO. 
POLO: - Acronym "Panties off, legs open!" 
B.V.H: - Abbr, "Blue veined hooligan" A six inch tall, one eyed skinhead. 
Chugnuts: - Extremely large piles. 
Cider Visor: - Beer goggles for the younger drinker. 
Clapping fish: - Female genitalia. 
Cliterature: - One handed reading material. 
Cockoholic: - One who is addicted to cockahol. 
Conkers deep: - To be in a state of deep penetration. 
Cough your filthy yoghurt: - Romantic expression for ejaculation. 
Crunchie: -A sock worn the morning after being used as a wank-mop. 
Dingleberry roast: - Lighted farts. 
Disco fanny: - The full strength flavour achieved after 6 hours on a dance floor in PVC trousers. 
Ditch Pig: - Affectionate term for an ugly fat girl. 
Dizzy Gillespie: - A formidable blast from the spunk trumpet where the ladies cheeks puff out like a bullfrog's. 
Double basing: - To have sex from behind while fiddling with the ladies left nipple with one hand and her budgies tongue with the other, a position similar to the one adopted for playing the double bass, though the sound is slightly different. 
Drop fudge: - Pinch a loaf, crimp one off, have a shit! 
Drown some kittens: - To drown a litter of small stools. 
Eating sushi off a barber shop floor: - Cunnulingus. 
Face fannies: - Sideburns. 
Feeding the pony: - One handed feeding of a lady's toothless gibbon. 
Fertle, ferkyfoodle: - To feed a lady's pony through her dung hampers. 
Five pinter: - A very ugly woman you would only chat-up after five pints. 
Fizzy gravy: - Rusty water, diahorrea. 
FLAME: - Abbr, Fanny like a mouses ear 
Flat as a kippers dick: - Descriptive of unleavened baps. 
Free the tadpoles: - To liberate the residents of ones wank tanks. 
Fuckshitfuckshitsuckshit: - The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed. 
Fud Slush: - Scottish fanny batter usually smeared on the face when eating a haddock pastie. 
Funbagtastic: - Exclm, may be uttered when seeing a large pair of breasts. 
Fuse-wire: - A ginger persons gorilla salad. 
Geetle: - The little pointed bit that hangs outside your rusty sheriffs badge after you've had a Gladys. 
Gladys: - Rhyming slang, To defecate, from Gladys Knight. 
Granny's oysters: - Elderly female genitalia. 
Greyhound: - Very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. 
Hairy Scallops: - Furry shellfish to be eaten when bearded clams are out of season. 
Hand-to-gland combat: - Vigorous three minute bout of gladiatorial combat involving a Spam javelin. 
Hefty-clefty: - Welly top, horses collar. Descriptive of a large vagina. 
Kojaks moneybox: - The German helmet. 
Lord of the pies: - Salad dodger, barge arse, Danny Baker. 
Mexican lipstick: - Embarrassing facial tide mark found after eating out. 
Men in the rigging: - Small tagnuts found in the hairs of sailors arses. 
Ming the merciless: - Death by chocolate starfish. 
Monkey bath: - A bath so hot when lowering yourself in you go Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!. 
Mumrar: - The act of creeping up on your mother and shouting Rar! 
NORWICH: - Acronym, Knickers off ready when I come home 
Opera house: - A large vagina, with heavy pink safety curtains. 
Pie-Liner: - A Femidom. 
PIK: - Acronym, Pig In Knickers. 
Pumpers Lump: - The condition of enhanced right arm muscle due to excessive wanking. 
Quim Chin, Muff mouth: - A bearded fellow. 
Release the chocolate hostage: - To liberate Richard the third. 
Ripped out fireplace: - A much swept out skin chimney. 
Roy Castle's last blow: - A pathetic whimpering fart. 
Rubik's: - Rhyming slang, gorilla salad. 
Splinge: - A particularly lubricated Kipper Mitten. 
Starfish Trooper: - An Arsestronaut.. 
Testiculate:- Waving your arms in the air and talking complete bollocks.
Tongue Punchbag, Small man in a boat: - See Budgie's Tongue. 
Two Bagger: - Someone so ugly that two bags are required, one to cover their head and one to cover yours in case theirs falls off. 
Up on the blocks: - Monthly MOT failure due to recurring leak under the Beatle Bonnet. 
UTBNB: - Advisory abbr, Up the bum, No babies! 
Walnut Whip: -A minor operation that removes the cream but leaves the nuts intact. 
Wet as an otters pocket: - Descriptive as to the moistness of a ladies kipper mitten. 
Wuffle nuts: - The fruits of the dingleberry tree. 

295-
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg
THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

296-
Never wrestle with a pig. You just get all dirty and the pig loves it.

297-
Blues Names
Follow the instructions below for the genuine thrill that comes with discovering your blues name: From the first list, take the name using the initial of your first name. From the second list, do the same with your middle name. From the third, your surname. 

First List: 
A=Fat; B=Muddy ; C=Crippled; D=Old; E=Texas; F=Hollerin'; G=Ugly; H=Brown; I=Happy; J=Boney; K=Curly; L=Pretty; M=Jailhouse; N=Peg Leg; O=Red; P=Sleepy; Q=Bald; R=Skinny; S=Blind; T=Big; U=Yella; V=Toothless; W=Screamin'; X=FatBoy; Y=Washboard; Z=Steel-Eye 

Second List: 
A=Bones; B=Money; C=Harp; D=Legs; E=Eyes; F=Lemon; G=Killer; H=Hips; I=Lips; J=Fingers; K=Boy; L=Liver; M=Gumbo; N=Foot; O=Mama; P=Back; Q=Duke; R=Dog; S=Bad Boy; T=Baby; U=Chicken; V=Pickles; W=Sugar; X=Cracker; Y=Tooth; Z=Smoke 

Third List: 
A=Jackson; B=McGee; C=Hopkins; D=Dupree; E=Green; F=Brown; G=Jones; H=Rivers; I=Malone; J=Washington; K=Smith; L=Parker; M=Lee; N=Thompkins; O=King; P=Bradley; Q=Hawkins; R=Jefferson; S=Davis; T=Franklin; U=White; V=Jenkins; W=Bailey; X=Johnson; Y=Blue; Z=Allison 

298-
FABLE - OLD VERSION: 
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. 
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. 
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. 
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself! 

MODERN VERSION: 
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. 
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. 
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. 
CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. 
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? 
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green." 
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." 
Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. 
Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." 
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. 
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. 
The ant loses the case. 
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. 
The ant has disappeared in the snow. 
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighbourhood.

299-
"It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a packet of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."
"Hit it."

300-
The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem.
It is generally employed only by small children and large nations. 

301-
Who can forget the immortal words of Socrates when he said: 
I drank what? 

302-
We don't practice what we preach, because we're not the kind of people we're preaching to!

303-
Give a man a fish and he will feed his family for a day 
Teach a man to fish and you will always find him in the boat half pissed

304-
Ever wondered why...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? 
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? 
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? 
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? 
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? 
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? 
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? 
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food? 
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? 
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 
Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections? 
You know that indestructible black box that is used on aeroplanes? 
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? 
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? 
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? 
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 

305-
More 2 Cows
Anarchism:
You have two cows. You keep the cows and steal your neighbour's bull. You ignore the government. Meanwhile, your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.
Aristocracy:
You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.
Army -- United States:
You have two cows. You don't ask. They don't tell.
Artist -- Visual:
You have two cows. You suspend them in formaldehyde in glass display boxes. In London. 
Baathism:
You have two cows. They compete in blaming everything on the Jews until the one with the higher milk revenues grows a mustache and starts gassing you. When it attacks your neighbor, the world just pushes it back to your feedlot and says killing it would violate your sovereignty.
Bureaucracy:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Bureaucracy -- United States:
You have two cows. One has BSE. You don't bother to check if they have BSE, lest you find out, and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.
Bureaucracy -- British:
You have two cows. One has BSE. You get a vet to give the other one the "all clear", and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.
Bureaucracy -- European Union:
You have two cows. The EU declares them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam being required to have at least 45% fruit).
Bureaucracy -- Indian:
You have two cows. But since these cows are holy cows, you cannot tell them what to do, or milk them, or do anything useful with them. The cows however, have no such barriers. The emerging liberal democracy requires one to fill out 37 triplicate forms before killing anything, and cows cannot write. Thus the cows do not slaughter you, you do not slaughter the cows, and the pacifist monks are satisfied.
Bureaucracy -- United States:
You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other. You are then paid to not milk cows.
Canadaism:
You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches.
Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Capitalism - Brazilian:
You have two cows. You milk them, and try to sell the milk to the Americans. You can't, and blame the protectionist policies of the US, Canada and Europe. The government then creates the Cow Tax. You have to sell one of your cows to pay for it.
Capitalism - Canadian:
You have two cows. The bank takes both of them, shoots one, and throws away the milk. You shoot yourself.
Capitalism - Hong Kong:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.
Capitalism - Enron:
You have two cows. You borrow 80% of the forward value of the two cows from your bank then buy another cow with 5% down and the rest financed by the seller on a note callable if your market cap goes below $20B at a rate 2 times prime. You now sell three cows to your publicly listed company, using Letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at a 2nd bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more and this transaction process is upheld by your independent auditor and no Balance Sheet provided with the press release that announces that Enron as a major owner of cows will begin trading cows via the Internet site COW (cows on web).
Capitalism -- New Economy:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull, which you use to breed, to the other cow. Then you create a website and start offering to export sperm from the bull to anyone and everyone, especially emerging markets, over the Internet. After a few weeks, your company completes its IPO on NASDAQ, and a few brokerage firms start coverage with a strong buy rating for this wonderful new Internet stock. Your stock zooms from the 10c per share initial offering price to $110, when you sell. The stock plummets back to 10c a few months later when the investors who bought it realise that your business has no earnings and never will, despite the Internet presence. Several law firms and the SEC bring various civil and criminal actions against the company, all of the officers and directors and (of course) you, under various fraud theories. You quickly settle the civil cases so the lawyers get paid, but you still have plenty stashed away. You plead nolo in the SEC case, and you are sentenced to ten years in prison, of which you actually serve seven weeks. When you come out, you buy two chickens.
Capitalism -- United States:
You have two cows. You sell one of them, and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie rights to Hollywood. You go into real estate.
Capitalism -- Pessimist's view:
You mass produce genetically modified cows, establish a local monopoly, and sell low-quality, possibly adulterated milk at inflated prices, all the while doing horrendous damage to the environment. Your bank account grows fatter and fatter. When people complain, you hire a team of lawyers.
Cartesian Dualism:
You have two cows. Therefore you are.
Catholicism:
You have two cows. You feel guilty for having cows and go to confession; your parish priest tells you that having cows is not in and of itself a sin in the eyes of God, but if you are feeling guilty about it, perhaps you should free the cows and say ten Hail Marys.
Centralism:
You have two cows. They are in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.
Communism:
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Communism--Reality:
You have two cows. Technically, everyone owns all the cows and everyone is equal. If you happen to be in charge of everyone and their cows, you own more of the cows than everyone else because you are more equal than they are.
Communism -- African:
You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you spoiled milk.
Communism -- Cambodian:
You have two cows. The government sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you.
Communism -- Chinese Cultural Revolution:
You have two cows. The government declares they are "pigs", and launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbours try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbours starve.
Communism -- Chinese #1:
You don't have any cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonalds.
Communism -- Chinese #2:
You have two cows. You take care of them. The government takes all the milk but you are encouraged to steal some of it back (before someone else does).
Communism -- Cuban #1:
Fidel Castro has two cows. They are F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow, "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum by Castro, "The Dictator of the Cows," where "future generations could admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen milk since 1975.
Communism: -- Cuban #2:
You have two cows. Fidel tells you some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. It begins to occur to you that Fidel doesn't know what he is talking about.
Communism -- Cuban #3:
You used to have two cows, but they sailed to Miami.
Communism -- North Korean:
You have two cows. The government takes you and the cows hostage, guzzles both of them and nearly starves you, and then offers the world not to nuke it if the international community provides aid.
Communism -- Soviet:
You have two cows. The state takes both, and gives you a small amount of milk ... once.
Communism -- Soviet #2:
You have two cows. Both cows are seized, and then another revolution occurs. Just when everyone else is getting settled down, another revolution occurs. Oh, and your cows are still missing.
Communism -- Stalinist:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Then the government sends you to prison.
Competition:
You have two cows. You sell their milk for two dollars a bottle. Farmer Joe sells his for one fifty a bottle. The government outsources milk production and Moomoomilk. Inc. merges with Farmer Joe, selling milk for fifty cents a bottle. Eventually, you grow bankrupt and sell the cows, while Moomoomilk. Inc. has its board of directors convicted of fraud. The company disbands, and now nobody has milk.
Computers:
You have two cows. One becomes a computer programmer and earns lots of money, until he turns 21, when he is laid off and dies without producing any milk. His savings pay for his college debts. Your other cow wastes your lifeblood by playing Everquest and later dies off after playing 24 hours in a row.
Confucianism:
You have two cows. They have children. Honoring their children promotes you to a second degree governor. After you slaughter the original cows, you die, go to the Halls of the Dead, and are subjugated to the 99 and odd Tortures of Death.
Conservativism:
You have two cows. You freeze the milk, embalm the cows and charge people to look at them..
Corporation, American:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
Corporation, Brazilian:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
Corporation, French:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
Corporation, German:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
Corporation, Indian:
You have two cows. You worship them.
Corporation, Italian:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
Corporation, Japanese:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. Then you produce the game cowkémon and become a billionaire.
Corporation, Mexican:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
Corporation, Russian:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really had.
Corporation, Swiss:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
Counterculture:
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
Dada:
You have two cows. Elephant.
Deconstructionism
You have two cows, or is it that two cows have you?
Democracy #1:
You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products.
Democracy #2:
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
Democracy -- British:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
Democracy -- Canadian:
The government gives two cows to natives with treaty status.
Democracy -- Floridian:
You have two cows, one black and one white. The voters are asked to name which one they prefer. Some who prefer the white cow vote for the black cow. Some vote for both. Some don't vote at all. Some vote for their favorite but their votes are declared invalid. Some can't even figure out how to vote in the first place. After several weeks, outsiders come in and decide which one is your favorite.
Democracy -- Republic:
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
Democracy -- Singaporean:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
Democracy -- South African
You have two cows. One is hijacked and the government redistributes the other one, in pieces, to previously disadvantaged fellow citizens. You live on the milk you stashed away during the apartheid years.
Democracy -- Taiwanese
You have two cows. The government takes one away from you, paints a red star on it, and then cuts it to pieces with automatic rifle fire. Then, the soldiers salute "Long Live Chaing Kai-Shek!" before they leave.
Democracy -- United States #1:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
Democracy -- United States #2:
You have two cows that your parents gave you. Your job provides you with four cows every month, but once a year, the government takes away 24 of them. For some reason, everybody around you seems to have more cows than you. Eventually most of your cows die from old age and over-milking. Then, the government provides you with half a cow every month (just enough so you don't starve)
Democracy -- United States #3:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
Democracy -- United States #4:
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk and then blame Japan while border guards beat up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged for a week or so and then go back to televised sports.
Democracy -- Wikipedia:
Your name might be on the two cows, but you certainly don't have them. The cows belong to everyone, and their genetic code may be freely altered by anyone who comes along -- unless one of your cows is controversial, in which case it may be locked in a glass box by the government.
Despotism -- Modern:
You have two cows. The government steals your cows and shoots you, but in interests of pleasing the global community, name you as a "Militant Rebel Insurgent," call their government an "Enlightened Centralised Executive," and ask for UN peacekeeping troops to come and separate the radical separationist cow-owners from normal people.
Dictatorship:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Dyslexia:
You have two woks.
Environmentalism #1:
You have two cows. Government regulations require your cows to wear protective headgear so they do not allow bacteria to die and illegalise the killing of parasites by aggravated cows.
Environmentalism #2:
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Existentialism:
You have two cows. You declare "Hell is the cows". 
Fascism #1:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
Fascism #2:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Feminism:
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
Feudalism:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
FDAism:
You have two cows. You force one to drink 400 gallons of water a day. It stops producing milk and dies. You ban water. The second cow has cancer. There is a cancer treatment that has existed for 15 years and has been proven to work, but can no longer be produced because the synthesis requires water. It can't get the treatment it needs and dies. You put the company under investigation.
Frisbeetarianism:
You have two cows. One of them flies up on the roof and gets stuck. You smoke a joint and hope the government provides cow ladders.
Fundamentalism #1:
You have two cows. The government kills you for owning cows, confiscates your cows, and then kills everyone who suggests that the government should be killed for owning cows.
Fundamentalism #2:
You have two cows. The Bible does not mention cows, and the government confiscates them because they do not exist.
Idealism:
You have two cows. You get married and your partner milks them.
Industrialism:
You have two cows. You dissect them both, and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.
Instant Messaging:
You have two cows. They don't say moo, they say "lol, g2g, brb, and roflmbo" Whenever you try to milk them, they either warn you, block you, or log out .
Labour Unionisim:
You have two cows. They band together with everyone else's cows to form the Cow People's Union, or CPU. They demand higher wages and shorter working hours. You respond by increasing wages and working hours. As your house burns and your windows are smashed in, you realise that your life depends on these cows, and their happiness is part of your survival. You decide to tell that to God.
Liberalism #1:
You have two cows. You give away one cow and get the government to give you a new cow. Then you give them both away.
Liberalism #2:
You have two cows. You sell both to the rich. The government then taxes the rich one cow and gives it to the poor.
Libertarianism #1:
Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.
Libertarianism #2:
You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."
Libertarianism #3:
You have two cows. You let them do what they want.
Marxism/Leninism:
The proletarian cows unite and overthrow the bourgeoisie cow-herds. The egalitarian democratic cow revolutionary state with the cow party as vanguard disintegrates over time. Marx choked on a veggie-burger before he could explain what happens to the use-value, exchange-value and sign-value of bovine leather.
Militarism:
You have two cows. The government takes both cows and presses you into military service.
Nazism:
(See Dictatorship.)
Nerdism
You have two cows. You sell one of them on eBay for several thousand dollars and buy a new computer with the profits. Then you write a new operating system and use the second cow for the logo. Unfortunetly, no one uses 'CowOs' because Windows is so popular.
New Dealism:
You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.
New Zealandism:
You have two sheep.
Nihilism:
There are no cows. There never were. You have a cigarette and a cup of black coffee to ponder the cow-shaped hole in the universe.
Optimism:
You will have three cows.
Pacifism:
You have two cows. They stampede you.
Perotism:
You have two cows. You aren't allowed to sell the milk to Mexico.
Platonism:
You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.
Plutocracism:
You have two cows. Your richer neighbours get to take one of them and the other's milk because they are richer. In rebellion, you become richer and take three of their cows and the fourth's milk. This continues until the cows decide to invent the concept of "Cow-munism", band together, become richer than everyone, and take everything and its milk.
Political Correctness:
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Protectionism:
You have two cows. You can't buy a bull from another country.
Protestantism:
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbour. You feel righteous.
Redistributionism:
You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.
Republicanism:
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So what?
Simpsonism:
You have two cows. Mmmm... Cows.
Socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbour.
Socialism -- Bureaucratic:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.
Socratic Methodism:
How many cows do I have? Why?
Surrealism:
You have two cows. The government paints one green and requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Survivorism:
You have two cows. They get taken to a remote farm and go through different challenges to win the "immunity idol". Then they vote each other off and a "jury" of other cows pick one to win a million dollars. The winner eats the money and dies from internal paper cuts and the loser goes on to make millions from sponsors and ads.
Theocracy -- Iranian style:
You have two cows. All the world believes only one is a dictator and the other is a democrat, but you can't see any difference and badly want to get rid of both.
Theocracy -- Taliban style:
You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan countryside and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels.
Theocracy -- Saudi style:
You have two cows. The government says God has appointed it as the Eternal Guardian of the Two Holy Cows and pockets all the milk revenues. It grants you the choice either to spread the divine message or to suffer decapitation.
Taoism
The cow that can be milked is not the true cow.
(Good thing you have two.)
Totalitarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
United Nationism:
You have two cows. France and Russia veto you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. China abstains. 
Zen:
A monk had two cows.
One day he went to Joshu. "Do cows have the Buddha-nature?" he asked.
Joshu replied, "Moo."

306-
If a Masochist asks a Sadist to beat him, and the sadist says "No!", then who's winning?

307-
All I can say is: I am a figment of my own imagination.

308-
Absolute proof that the world is nuts!
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Rather worse than 'going blind!')
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (Presumably this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is the USA a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!) 

309-
A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."
He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

310-
Things You Never Want to Hear at a Funeral Eulogy
1. She died as she lived: oddly dressed and smelling vaguely of turpentine.
2. Death is not an end, but a beginning. Specifically, the beginning of an eternity of black nothingness.
3. He touched all of our lives. Unfortunately, he also touched several of our children.
4. There's no getting around it: Bob was a big, fat, sweaty pig of a man, which means that now, there's more pie for the rest of us. Dig in!
5. His spirit will be with us always. And by spirit, I mean overwhelming credit card debt.
6. I still can't get over that he's gone. I also can't get over that I totally survived that same car accident! Can you believe it? I should have had my head cracked off like what's-his-name here.
7. Steve wasn't unhappy about life. He was just super excited to die!
8. It's always sad when God calls a child home. But in the case of Larry here, I'm not so sad. Nice guy, smoked too much, whatever. So to Larry - nice knowing you, see you later.
9. I'll never forget the last time I seen him. He was all, "Betcha $50 I can wrestle a 'gator." And I was all, "You're on!"
10. I never screwed Cynthia. But I wanted to and God knows I tried. Even now, in death, I'd have to say I still wouldn't kick the broad out of my bed.

311-
A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn't reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man's thumb.
He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminutive size didn't affect Walter's work too much.
Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship.
His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter's size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process.
The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were
reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed.
As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air had cleared --- the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before.
"What's the big idea? Eek!" One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the floor and squashed him flat with her shoe. Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined.
This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows: 
You can lead the whores to Walter, but you can't make 'em shrink.

312-
Things you wish you could say:
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

313-
ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing.
ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end.
CANNIBAL - One who is apt to pass his best friend.
CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.
CONSCIENCE - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.
CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold.
COOKIE - A virgin doughnut.
DANCE - A Naval engagement without the loss of seamen.
DIVORCE - What happens when two people cannot stomach each other any longer.
DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket.
DIARY - Book of revelations.
DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped.
ENEMA - A goose with a gush.
EXPLORATION - Beating around the bush.
FATHER'S DAY - Nine months before labor day.
GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows.
GIGGALO - The egg that laid the golden Goose.
GLAMOUR GIRL - a much publicized young thing who is full of oomf, and frequently full of other things; one who doesn't worry about the meat shortage.
HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses.
HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed.
KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night.
HUNG CHOW - Chinese constipation.
A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.
MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ.
METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.
MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.
MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.
MOTHER'S DAY - Nine months after fathers day.
DONKEY BARBECUE- Where everybody gets a piece of ass.
NUN - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none.
NURSE - A pan handler.
NURSERY - A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit.
PAPOOSE - Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket.
PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie.
PREGNANCY - When a woman is all swelled up from her mate's handiwork.
RHUMBA - An asset to music.
SECRETARY - A stenographer who watches her periods.
SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't.
SISSY - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.
SPRING FEVER - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.
STORK - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies.
TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals.
TOMCAT - A ball bearing mouse trap.
TRIPLETS - Having to take seriously what was poked at you in fun.
VICE - Anything you enjoy that is bad for you.
VIRGINITY - A bubble on the stream of life, one prick and it's gone forever.
VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder.

314-
The reason I don't have any kids is because I never married. 
I never married because my parents in law couldn't have children.

315-
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown 

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey 

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" --Marilyn Pittman 

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. 
If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger 

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. 
I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone 

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of 
that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien 

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could 
be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery 

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni 

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson 

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez 

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."--Jerry Seinfeld 

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. 
What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"--Warren Hutcherson 

"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain 

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan!" --A. Whitney Brown 

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've 
thought of that!'" --Dave Barry 

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Never hold your farts in.... They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where you get shitty ideas from.

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Feeling blue or insecure? Losing sight of what's important? Still searching for the real "you"? In this self-help age of soul-searching, daily affirmations have been known to do the trick. But you probably shouldn't try these.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
I honour my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I honour and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
I will find humour in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

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Why it takes a while to understand English! 
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'. It's easy to understand UP, meaning towards the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP? 
In a meeting, why does a topic come UP? 
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? 
We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some men fix UP the old car. 
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: a drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a shop in the morning and we close it UP at night. 
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. 
To be knowledgeable of the proper use of UP, look up the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and definitions add UP to about thirty. If you are UP to it you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but is you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatening to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for a while it dries UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I'll shut UP .... Cheer UP and please hurry UP and keep in touch.

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THE RETROSEXUAL MAN 
Something to ponder over a skinny decaf / latte frapachino... 
I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand it any more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, Redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui". Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transexual, metrosexual, non-sexual, blue, green, and purple-sexual. 
Real men of the world, stand up, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement. 
The Code: 
A Retrosexual man, no matter what the woman insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE. 
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tyre, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT. 
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself. 
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God. 
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need deodorant and shaving gear - that's it!! 
A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that look like he's shat himself, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket. If wearing a hat, wear it correctly - not on the side like a faggot. 
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code. 
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title. 
A Retrosexual does not let neighbours screw up rooms in his house on national TV. 
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a handbag carrying little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it. 
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a different city, favourite dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you. 
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey. 
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot. 
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery. 
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can-or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are. 
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up". 
Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your truck. 
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you rude pricks" look on his face. 
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married / engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance and drinking piss with the boys. 
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils. 
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land. Except on his truck - that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL WITH IT, or do both. 
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person. 
Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract - a handshake is good enough. 
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT! 

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How Old Do You Think This Man Is?
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. He asked what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. 
The granddad replied, "Well, let me think a minute ... I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, well the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon. 
Your grandmother and I got married first-and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother, and every boy over 14 had a rifle that his dad taught him how to use and respect. And they went hunting and fishing together. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir'-and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.' 
Sundays were set aside for going to church as a family, helping those in need, and visiting with family or neighbours. We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, day-care centres, and group therapy. 
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living here was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. 
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums. We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. 
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. 
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day, 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was something your mother cooked in, and rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby. 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office, 'chip' meant a piece of wood, 'hardware' was found in a hardware store, and 'software' wasn't even a word. 
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap. 
How old do you think I am???? 

Scroll Down 

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ANSWER: This man would be only 59 years old. 

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MURPHY WAS AN OUT AND OUT OPTIMIST
No good deed goes unpunished.
Leak proof seals - will.
Self-starters - won't.
Interchangeable parts--don't. 
There is always one more bug.
Nature is a mother.
Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy.
90% of every thing is crud.
If you're feeling good, don't worry - you'll get over it.
Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong, at the most inconvenient time possible.
All warranties expire upon payment of invoices.
Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit.
Never eat prunes when you are famished.
Friends come & go, but enemies accumulate.
If you try to please every one, nobody will like it.
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
You will always find something in the last place you look.
You will remember that you forgot to take out the garbage when the garbage truck is about 5 doors away.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong. But that's the way to bet.
When in doubt mumble; when in trouble delegate.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
It is morally wrong to let suckers keep their money. 
A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
The chance of a piece of buttered bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere else - cheaper.
Nobody's life, liberty or property are safe whilst Parliament is in session.
The other queue always moves faster.
Anything you try to fix will take longer & cost more than you thought.
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up.
A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing first.
If it jams - force it: - if it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Murphy's Golden rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean. Everything west of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Pacific Ocean.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
The light at the end of the tunnel will probably be the headlamp of an oncoming train.
Celibacy and homosexuality are not hereditary.
Never sleep with any one crazier than yourself.
Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes to the bone.
To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. (Freudian psychology).
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
If every thing is going well, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.
If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
In case of doubt - make it sound convincing.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath, to the exact centre.
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his/her own level of incompetence, and then remains there.
Every one should believe in something - and I believe I'll have another drink!

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More Quotes On Life ...
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) I'm not a complete idiot-Some parts are missing.
11) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12) NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13) God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19) Procrastinate Now!
20) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
24) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29) The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

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How To Survive A Shark Attack
1: Don't swim in the ocean.
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty.
2: Listen out for the music.
In the event that you are foolish enough to recreate in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film "Jaws." All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the doppler effect.
3: Swim with fat people.
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.
4: Don't panic.
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling.

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WARNING, VIRUS ALERT: 
If you receive an email message with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous virus yet developed. 
It will rewrite your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any computer disks and cassette tapes that are even close to your computer (up to 20 feet). 
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. 
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother's number. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous virus to be taken very seriously. 
It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only 1940's hits and static while stuck in traffic. 
It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. 
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. 
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not even matter if she is dead, such is the power of "Badtimes;" it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. 
It will overwrite your word documents, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretation of key sentences. 
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk carton with whole. 
Badtimes is an evil virus conceived by evil people. It is your duty to help alert the world! 
PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!

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A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream: "I am ashamed of myself. This crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house." The bearer said to the pot: "Did you notice that there are flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw and so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path and every day while we walk back, you've watered them.
For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.

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Darwin Awards 2004 Update... The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed. Remember all the stories below are true! 
1. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
2. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to an end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
3. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
4. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a common place road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
5 A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground", Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma".
6. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalised.
7 Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked (you can see what's coming, can't you?). Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers. 
8 WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
9 WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a Gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
10 WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
11 THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
12 DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
13 ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
14 NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!! In Modesto California, a man tried to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. He used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)
15 THE GRAND FINALE Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer............ 

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Call Centre Dialling Options
Press 1 if you find call centres annoying 
Press 2 if you don't. 
Press 3 if you are not sure 
Press 4 if you want to hear these options again. 
Press 5 to go back to the main menu. 
Press 6 if you want to think you're on hold only to find out you've been disconnected. 
Press 7 if you wish to be connected to a trainee who hasn't a clue what you're on about. 
Press 8 to be transferred to the wrong department. 
Press 9 to be ignored while you are forced to listen to twee electronic music while being repeatedly told that your call is important to us. 
Press 0 to be transferred to a foreign call centre who have no clue as to who you are, where your account records are, or why you should be calling them.

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Here's why people over 35 should be dead ...
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, ... and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!
We ate cakes, bread and butter, and drank cool drinks with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one cool drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day!. NO CELL PHONES!!!!! Unthinkable!
We did not have PlayStations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on DSTV, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.
We had friends! We went outside and found them.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.
We played football, and sometimes, the tackles would really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Rugby, soccer and cricket had trials and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment!
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a standard and were held back to repeat at the same standard. Horrors!
Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

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Thoughts
Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look just like the criminal they are playing?
Do bald people get dandruff?
Why doesn't baking soda freeze?
What if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for one of you wishes?
If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would they taste chocolaty?
If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died would someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee?
Can a person with no ears wear glasses?
Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted, ever get arrested (because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)?
Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?
If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop?
How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried potatoes?
Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?
If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?
Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?
Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?
Why do bullies always ask "what's your problem" when they're obviously not going to solve it?
Do stairs go up or down?
When people say, "I'm so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change their name to Knockers?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
Can mute people burp?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Do they have girl's bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you go "back and forth" to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
If you’re sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why do dogs sniff other dog's bottoms to say hello, why don't they just bark in their face or something?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free?
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights?
If we had a president that was a woman, would her husband be the first man?
Why do we have to wait till the water starts boiling before we can put pasta into the water?
If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money?
Why are blue Christmas lights so popular? Aren't red and green the traditional colors?
Why do police officers wear tight clothes and dressy shoes? wouldn't that make them slower when chasing someone?
If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why do birds bob their heads when they walk?
Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?
How come wine and hard liquor doesn't come in cans, but beer does?
When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won't eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert?
Why do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there?
Why does "lake" come first (Lake Michigan) and "river" come second (Mississippi River)?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If I raise the volume on my radio, does it use more electricity?
What would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?
Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
If you died on the International Dateline, and half of you were on 1 side and the other half on the other side, what day would you die?
If someone crashes his or her car on purpose, why is it still a car accident?
If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?
If the weather man says "it's a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
If Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get up early for church?
When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand?
Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?
Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? 
Shouldn't they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
What is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics?
If the police see some one committing a crime but are on there way to investigate a crime do they stop or go to the one they were on their way to?
Seeing as cupid is so good at matchmaking, does he have a girlfriend?
Is an alcoholic just a drunk that's scared of a hangover?
If shampoo comes in so many colours, why is the lather on your head always white?
If a table is propped up can it be propped down?
If our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God...is it possible that there's another planet inhabited with creatures made by the Devil?
Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza?
How come, in the Mini Wheat's commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat's has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have been raised in the same place?
Why do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can see them? Wouldn't people aim for their head or crotch?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?
Can you fart and burp at the same time?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Have you ever heard of a raisin that is not dry?
If two identical twin brothers married identical twin sisters, would there kids be identical?
If your glove is too big, does it still fit like a glove?
Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?
Since you have to pull over when you see a funeral coming down the road...what would you do if there were a funeral coming down both sides?
If you can test drive cars at the dealer's, why not test-drive lawnmowers around at a hardware store?
Is there anything easier done than said?
Is it possible for a narcoleptic to have insomnia?
Since the U.S. says United We Stand, does that offend legless people?
If no one buys a ticket to a movie, does the movie still play?
Are you able to fart in heaven?
Why isn't sour cream really sour?
Do they re-use body bags? Or do they throw them away and get new ones? The people using them wouldn't care anyway?
Why isn't the Q or the Z included on the phone
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway?
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Do ducks sneeze?
Why is that when fish die in water, they float to the top, but when humans die in water, they sink to the bottom?
Don't you find it weird we teach our kids: scrub a dub dub, three men in a tub?
Why do they call it "morning sickness" in the middle of the afternoon?
Did you know there is a page 666 in The Bible?
If money is the root of all evil then how come churches ask for it?
Can vampires donate blood?
If a fire truck was on its way to a fire and it passes another fire, which fire would it go to?

If you could walk through the walls, wouldn't you fall through the floor?
How come when you go in the front door of a church, you are at the back of the church, and if you go in the back door, you would end up in the front of the church?
If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will?
Why is there an L in NOEL?
If you eat regular rice crispies with chocolate milk will it taste the same as eating co-co crispies with regular milk?
Why is Bra singular and Panties plural?
What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
If they develop a supersonic train, will they give it a whistle?
Do fish ever get thirsty?
Why can't we sneeze with our eyes open?
If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?
If you stick on stickers on non-stick pans, would they stick on?
Why don't ducks duck when you shoot at them?
On a hamburger bun, why is the top bun always bigger than the bottom one?
Why does breaking a mirror mean seven years of bad luck when seven is a lucky number??
Can angels eat devils food cake?
If I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Why do the numbers on the phone go one way, but the numbers on the calculator go the other way?
Why do we tie shoes to the back of a car for newly weds?
Is it possible to do stand-up comedy sitting down?
Is bad a bad word?
If dinosaurs had sores.........what would they be called?
What does the T in T-Shirt really mean?
Why does the label on children's Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it's for CHILDREN!?
Why do they call front seat shotgun?
Why are all farms red?
Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
Why is there not a Channel 1 on TV?
Why are there dents in a golf ball?
Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper?
How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?
When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not?
What would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room?
Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?
If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use disappear because they didn't exist then?
How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
What do mermaids eat?
If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?
If anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible?
Is atheism is a non-prophet organization?
If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?
If a police car, an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck are all at a 4 way stop who has the right of way?
Why are all farms red?
Why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren't?
Are there female leprechauns?
Do judges and lawyers do jury duty?
Do fish sleep?
Would it be possible for a solar car to travel faster then the speed of light?

330-
IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED... SUCK HARDER

331-
Once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwins are awarded every year to the persons who died in the most stupid and unusual manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool. This year's seven nominees are:

Nominee No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm- type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft!"

Nominee No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record] "It was supposed to be a "jack-ass" type prank," said Ken Charles Barger's (17), underage friends, whom police have withheld names because of their age. Barger accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith &Wesson 38 Special that was placed there by friends. The unnamed friends of Barger videotaped the entire ordeal. Their statement to police read that the intention was for their friend to "pistol whip" himself but the loaded gun discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4 [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

Nominee No. 5 [Bloomberg News Service] Michael Van Houton (36) was killed by his own gas emissions in his sleep. There was no mark on his body, and an autopsy showed lethal amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage, prescribed by his doctor in an attempt to help Van Houton loose weight. The man was shut up in his nearly airtight 7 X 7 ft bedroom of his apartment. The apt had no heat and Van Houton had used blankets to insulate the window and door from the inside. According to the article, "He was a big man nearly 650 lbs at the time of the autopsy with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of his rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized with methane poisoning.

Nominee No. 6 [The News of the Weird] Michael Anderson Godwin had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 7 [The Indianapolis Star] A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle-loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about
1130 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

332-
Peter Kay's Universal Truths:
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator, then looked at it upside down.
Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
You never ever run out of salt.
Old ladies can eat more than you think.
You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan
The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
Bricks are horrible to carry.
In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 

333-
THE SHIT LIST
GHOST SHIT: The kind where you feel the shit come out, but there is no shit in the toilet
CLEAN SHIT: The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper
WET SHIT: The Kind where you wipe your ass 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you wont ruin them with a stain
SECOND WAVE SHIT: This happens when you're done shitting and you have pulled your pants up to your knees, and you relize that you have to shit some more.
POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD SHIT: The kind where you strain som much to get it out, you practically have a stroke
LINCOLN LOG SHIT: The kind of shit that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush
GASSY SHIT: It's so noisy. everyone within ear shot is giggling.
DRINKER SHIT: The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticable trait ... is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN SHIT: (SELF EXPLANATORY)
GEE I WISH I COULD SHIT SHIT: The kind where you want to shit but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times
SPINAL TAP SHIT: That's where it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear it was leaving sideways.
WET CHEEKS SHIT: (The Power Dump) the kind that comes out of your ass and splashes all over the toilet bowl
MEXICAN SHIT: It smells so bad your nose burns
UPPER CLASS SHIT: The kind of shit that doesn't smell
THE SUPRISE SHIT: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart. OOOPS a shit!
THE DANGLING SHIT: This shit refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done shitting it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose

334-
DYSFUNCTIONAL HOROSCOPE 

Aquarius: Jan. - Feb. 19 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistake repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are stupid.

Pisces: Feb. - Mar. You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA and FBI. You have a minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals.

Aries: Mar. - Apr. You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick 

Taurus: Apr. 20 - May 21 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddam communist.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However , you are inclined to expect to much for too little. This means you are cheap. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer: June 22 - Jul. 23 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off, and that is why you'll always be on welfare and never worth a shit.

Leo: Jul. 24 - Aug. 23 You consider yourself a born leader while others think you are pushy. Most Leo's are Bullys. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are always thieving bastards.

Virgo: Aug. 24 - Sep. 23 You are a logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgo's make excellent bus drivers and pimps.

Libra: Sep. 24 - Oct. 23 YOU are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are most likely queer. Changes of employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women make excellent whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio: Oct. 24 - Nov. 22 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a plus-perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius: Nov. 23 - Dec. 21 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack any talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal because you are always getting screwed.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 - Jan. 20 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks, You don't do much of anything and are lazy. there has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for long periods of time as they tend to attract pigeons.

335-
Why art history is bullshit
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of them had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink one. The curator of the gallery realised the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out: "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society". After the curator left, a Scotsman approached the couple and said: "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied: "in fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch!" 

336-
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. 
She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". 
I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? 
I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. 
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. 
I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. 
It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch. 

My dilemma is: 
Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?

337-
Complaints from Tenants ...
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
The neighbour's 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence. Not only is this making a heck of a noise, but the fence is now sagging in the middle.
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
Would you please send a man to repair my spout, I am an old age pensioner and need it bad.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much. Its all right when my husband is on day-shift, but when he's on back-shifts or nights I get it several times a week from Mr. Docherty next door and at my age it's too much.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?
I am a single woman living in a downstairs apartment and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
Please send a man with a clean tool to finish the job and satisfy the wife.
I wish to lodge a complaint against my neighbour in 211. When I get undressed at night I can see him looking in my window with binoculars. Do I need to pull down my own shades?
When I'm in the shower I turn on the water and I get hot. Could some nice repairman fix my pipes so I don't always get hot?

338-
Reasons to Smile
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn... that was fun!"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

339-
Analogies from actual high school essays... 
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 
They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. 
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 
She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. 
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. 

340-
With all the sadness and trauma's going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of someone which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote 'The Hokey Cokey' died peacefully aged 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into his coffin. First they put his left leg in ... and that was when the trouble really started... 

341-
Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened. 

342-
Life is all about Ass
You're either covering it,
Laughing it off,
Kicking it,
Kissing it,
Busting it,
Trying to get a piece of it,
Or, behaving like one.

343-
Tips with English Grammar
1. Don't abbrev. 
2. Check to see if you any words out. 
3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct. 
4. About sentence fragments. 
5. When dangling, don't use participles. 
6. Don't use no double negatives. 
7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent. 
8. Just between you and I, case is important. 
9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. 
10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary. 
11. Its important to use apostrophe's right. 
12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive. 
13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object. 
14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should. 
15. begin with a capital and end with a period 
16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase. 
17. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas 
18. to keep a string of items apart. 
19. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language. 
20. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. 
21. Avoid unnecessary redundancy. 
22. A writer mustn't shift your point of view. 
23. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it. 
24. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with. 
25. Avoid clichés like the plague.

344-
The Stupid Test! 
Here is a very simple little test comprised of four easy questions to determine your level of intellect. See if you have what it takes to be considered 'smart.' Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, no deliberating or wasting time. And no cheating! On your marks, get set, go...

1: You are competing in a race and overtake the runner in second place. In which position are you now?

Answer: If you answered that you're now first, you're wrong! You overtook the second runner and took his place, therefore you are now in second place. For the next question try not to be so dim.

2: If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?

Answer: If you answered second to last, you're wrong once again. Think about it... How can you overtake the person who is last? If you're behind them, they can't be last. You would have been last. It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points. Anyway, here's another question to try. Don't take any notes or use a calculator and remember, your replies must be instantaneous 'gut reactions.'

3: Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000.
Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20.
Plus 1000. And plus 10.
What's the total?

Answer: 5000?
Wrong again!
The correct answer is 4100. Try again with good calculator. Today is clearly not your day, although you should manage to get the last question right...

4: Marie's father has five daughters:
1. Chacha
2. Cheche
3. Chichi
4. Chocho
5. ????

What is the fifth daughter's name?
Think quickly... you'll find the answer below...

Answer: Chuchu? WRONG!
It's obviously Marie! Read the question properly.

You are clearly the weakest link. Goodbye!

345-
Height of patience: A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.
Height of frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.
Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
Height of laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.
Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology: Condom with zip.
Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass itching.

346-
The Procrastinator's Creed 
I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two- Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

347-
I've just been banned for life from my local DIY store.
Bloke in overalls came up to me and asked if I wanted decking, so I thought I'd get the first punch in!

348-
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. 
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. 
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). 
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. 
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. 
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. 
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge monetary settlement. 
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. 
He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. 
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still know him pass this on, if not join the majority and do nothing.

349-
In keeping with all the silly questionnaires going out these days I came up with a more realistic batch of questions. Here's 100 questions for the discriminating man... or woman:
1. Soft shelled Tacos or Camel Toes?
2. Have you ever cashed a bad check? On purpose?
3. What is your favourite band? (If answering anything other than Zep or Floyd - we're not interested, go on to next question)
4. Waters or Plant?
5. Page or Gilmour?
6. What is your favourite prescription drug?
7. What is your favourite illegal drug? 
8. Have you ever OD'd? Did you live?
9. Sunshine or Moonshine?
10. Crack (booty) or Crack (cola)?
11. Did you ever get an "A" in skool? How come?
12, Did you ever get an "F" in skool? How many?
13. Nerd, Prep, Jock or Hippie?
14. Do you masturbate? (I know, dumb question) How often?
15. Porn or Soap?
16. Deep Throat or Deep Sea Drilling?
17. Vaseline or KY?
18. Panama Jack or Panama Red?
19. Peruvian Flake or Colombian Gold?
20. Pick 2: Heterosexual, Homo or Lesbo, Transsexual, Bisexual, Asexual, Homophobic?
21. How many kids do you have?
22. How many kids do you want to have?
23. Do you like kids? Why?
24. If you had kids (and they lived) and you answered 1 or more to questions #21 & 22: Should birth control be retroactive to the age of 10?
25. If you found a bag of money, would you try and find the owner? Why not? 
26. Would you keep it for yourself or share it with your friends? 
27. Do you have any friends?
28. If you answered yes to #27 are they Homo's, Homeboys or Homies?
29. Do their names end in ... ski, berg, or Washington?
30. Fried Chicken or Watermelon?
31. Longneck or Redneck?
32. Do you have any nicknames other than: Hey you, Dumbass, Shithead, Holmes, Brah, Beau, Bubba, Rascal?
33. Do you like girls? (Ladies you can answer this one too)
34. Older than 16? (Ladies you can answer this one too) Phone no?
35. Have you ever been arrested? How many times? Which name did you furnish? (choose one from #32)
36. Did you have to spend the night? What was your cellmate like (pick from #20)?
37. Did you have to shower during your stay? Did it hurt?
38. Dogs or Cats?
39. Are there any cats still alive in your neighborhood? Why?
40. Inflatable Doll or Hooker?
41. Have you ever used a mechanical device to make your penis bigger? Did it work? Hurt? Maime?
42. Boys toys or bedroom toys?
43. Have you ever screamed out someone else's name during sex? ("Oh God" doesn't count)
44. Was it the name of the person you were having sex with?
45. If your answer was no, did you get to finish?
46. If you were the last man alive on the planet: Sheep, Goat, hand (right or left), or inflatable doll?
47. If you were the last woman alive on the planet: Corndog, Corncob, hand (right or left) Hot Dog or Cucumber?
48. Bikini or butt floss?
49. Do you like tits smaller than 44D (women can answer too)? Why?
50. Do you like your job?
51. Have you ever had a job?
52. (if you answered yes to #51): have you ever worked 40 hours in one week? More than 40? Describe what the problem is?
53. Ever been to Ethiopia? Why?
54. 1%, 2%, Whole, Skim or Breast?
55. Have you ever wondered if perhaps you might be gay? If you answered yes, don't ponder it too much... YOU ARE!
56. Buttered or plain?
57. Buttered or plain popcorn?
58. When drinking and driving do you: Hold bottle between knees? Cup holder? Teeth?
59. Have you ever drank a half fifth of Tequila or Jagermeister? Do you remember it? If so, describe what happened after you got arrested?
60. When driving at night shit-faced, do you find it's less strain on your eyes if you drive with the lights off?
61. Can you recite your abc's backwards when sober?
62. After being pulled over for #58 (or 59)...(or 60) have you ever made it to "V" when reciting your abc's backwards?
63. Ellen Degeneres, Rosie O'Donnel or Cher's kid?
64. Jenna Jamieson or Pamela Anderson?
65. John Holmes or Ron Silver? Men: If you answered this one see #55
66. Elton John or George Michael? Men OR Women: If you answered this one see #55
67. (Ladies): Spit or Swallow?
68. (Men): Foreplay - seconds or minutes? If minutes see #55
69. Preference: Sucking chrome off a bumper? Sucking a golf ball through 50' of garden hose?
70. Fish market or Potpourri?
71. Would you say your family jewels are Peanuts? Walnuts ? Coconuts?
72. Do you prefer your gals family jewels to appear: Slain with a battleaxe or butterflied?
73. Have you ever forgotten your anniversary?
74. Method of kissing up? 
75. Have you ever spent the night out?
76. How long did it take you to pick up your clothes out of the bushes?
77. When trying to sleep after pulling a #75: couch, spare bed or doghouse?
78. (Men): Have you ever slept in the wet spot? If yes: ... duh AGAIN see #55
79. Have you ever slept with anyone with more hair than yourself? Okay, you know the drill...#55!
80. After consuming a lot of liquor (similar to #59) and you didn't get arrested, would you describe the gal you woke up with as a Bigfoot, Wildebeest or Sloth?
81. Have you ever dressed up in women's clothes? #55!!!
82. Have you ever missed a stroke when whacking it? Did you have to start all over?
83. Ever spew puke when drunk? Did you hit the door? window? seat? 
84. Were you able to talk your significant other into cleaning it up for you? Are you still with that person? Why?
85. Have you ever snuck out your bedroom window at night? 
86. Did you ever sneak out your bedroom window when you were a kid?
87. Have you ever got a blowjob in an Adult movie theatre? 
88. At what age did you marry this person?
89. What is your favourite color?
90. Last person you went to dinner with?
91. Lake, Ocean or River?
92. Which store would you prefer to max out your credit card?
93. What is the colour of your bedroom carpet?
NOTE: If you answered questions #89 thru 93, no need to complete this questionnaire, Dr. Kevorkian will be with you shortly!
94. What is the worst part about giving a moustache ride to a fat chick: Finding the wet spot? Getting past the fish market? Not being able to hear the stereo?
95. Cocaine nightmare: Running out? Sneezing over the mirror?
96. Wedding or Funeral?
97. Reception or Wake?
98. Best part of screwing a dead chick: No talking? Not having to worry about screaming out the wrong name?
99. After sex do you like to: cuddle? talk? flee the scene?
And the number 1 (hundred) question of all time: 
(Men) Have you ever had sex with a one-legged woman? How? Was her name Eileen?
(Women) Have you ever made love to another woman? Where do you live? 

350-
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation.......................
the other eight are not important.

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