Blonde
1-
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual off-colour and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says:
"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being?
It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential...because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you
do is not only contrary to Discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you
pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
2-
What is the difference between an Essex girl and a mosquito..
A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it on the head.......
3-
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect) "Anything?" he asked. Yes,yes, anything" the blonde promised. "Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in And close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees". She did. "Now take down my zipper". She
did. "Now go ahead ...take it out ...." he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well...go ahead". The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it ..and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........
"Hello, mum can you hear me?"
4-
A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what happened. He told
them it had happened at church. They insisted that you couldn't get a black eye at church, and wanted to know what really happened.
So, he told them, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---there in front of me was
the biggest woman I had ever seen, and when she had stood up, her dress had got stuck in her
butt-crack, so being the gentleman I
am, I reached over and pulled it out for her and she did not like that so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---and there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."
At this point the other men interrupted and said "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of there again?"
"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that---so I shoved it back in."
5-
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
"Okay", she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not".
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
6-
Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her. "To remove that vibrator," said the doctor,
"I'm going to have to perform a very long, delicate and expensive operation."
"I don't think I can afford it" said Sally. "Could you just replace the batteries?"
7-
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the blonde girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."
8-
A blonde at a party was telling her friend that she was off men for life. "They lie, they cheat and they're just no good. From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my vibrator"
"So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend
"I'll just fake an orgasm like always."
9-
Did you hear about the overweight blonde woman that went to her doctor complaining about her lack of a sex life? "I have a solution," said the doctor: "Diet and everything will be okay." "What colour?" asked the blonde.
10-
Two Essex girls walk into a department store, They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample
bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace"
"Yeah what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI”, what does that mean?
At this stage the assistant offers some help.
"Viens a moi ladies is French for 'come to me'"
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"
11-
The police department, famous for its superior canine unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.
Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a dog unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, 'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!'
12-
It was a blonde's first plane trip.
Boarding the aircraft and found herself a window seat in a non-smoking area, and settled in. A man came over and insisted that she was in his seat.
She told him to go away.
“Okay,” replied the man. “If that’s the way you want it, you fly the plane.”
13-
What is the difference between a washing machine and a Blonde ?
A washing machine doesn’t follow you around after you dump your load in it.
14-
There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two.
The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
15-
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy
her a mobile phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Sainsburys?"
16-
Five Irishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The gorgeous blonde Italian customs agent stops and tells them, 'It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro.' 'What do you mean it's illegal?' asks the driver. 'Quattro means four' replied the blonde. 'Quattro is just the name of the car,' the Irishman retorted in disbelief. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.' 'You can't pull that one on me,' replies the Italian customs agent: 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and are therefore breaking the law'. The driver replies angrily: 'Brainless idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!' 'Sorry, 'she said sweetly: 'he can't come right now. He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.'
17-
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
18-
There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"
19-
An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i. As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright. "I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.
"Everyfink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully. Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?" Oh my God NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist down as well.
20-
A blonde girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?"
She replied, "Last week."
The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?"
“Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the check bounced."
21-
What's the difference between an Essex girl and a walrus?
One has whiskers and fishy flaps. The other's a large sea mammal.
22-
A blonde and her boyfriend were setting at home one night and became bored. "Hey, let's play a game" she said.
"What game?" was his bored reply.
"Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can find me."
"What if I can't find you?"
"I'll be behind the piano."
23-
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"
24-
How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
25-
Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
A: A blond doing cartwheels."
26-
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win
27-
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray
28-
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
29-
A high-class dress party is in full flow when suddenly a gorgeous blonde woman walks in...completely nude. The alarmed host rushes to intercept her.
Where's your costume? he hisses through clenched teeth.
This is it , she explains. I came as Adam.
Adam?' her host explodes. You don't even have a cock!
Oh I don't know, she replies, give me a few minutes...
30-
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip.
She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so, everything.
Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"
31-
What did the blonde call her pet Zebra?
Spot.
32-
After travelling a few blocks, the blonde realised she had no money and immediately informed the driver. "You'd better stop. I
can't pay you and it's ten dollars already," she said.
The driver checked her out in the rear-vision mirror.
"That's okay," he said. "I'll turn down the first dark street, get in the back seat and take off your bra."
"You'd be cheating yourself," she replied. "This bra is only worth five dollars."
33-
There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.
The headquarters in the US calls:
"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen."
He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.
So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later headquarters calls again:
"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen."
He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation.
So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again:
"Woman, please woman approach the screen."
She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says.....
"I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, don't touch anything."
34-
There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."
35-
Q: Why don't blondes breast-feed their babies?
A: It hurts too much to boil the nipples.
36-
To: The Boss
From: Blondie
Subject: Changing calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant.
37-
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slow."
38-
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.
A neighbour suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.
It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbour suggested she notch the ear of one horse.
That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbour suggested she measure the horses for height.
When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
39-
A hungry Kakadu crocodile was waiting on a bank of a river for a boatload of plump American tourists. Days passed, no tourists. Finally an Aborigine came down to the river to spear barramundi, and although he was pretty skinny, the crocodile decided that he’d be better than nothing. So he lunged at him, grabbed his feet and began to gulp him down, bit by bit. Whereupon the long-awaited boat of American tourists came into view. One of them spied the head sticking out of the croc and said, “Look! Look!”
Another tourist, a blonde woman, said, “I thought they said Aborigines were poor. Well, there’s one with a Lacoste sleeping bag.”
40-
Debbie, being still unmarried, was bored one evening. So she decided to go to a London casino for the first time ever and was persuaded to play roulette. She asked someone at the table the best way to pick a number. He suggested putting her money on her age. So, she put ten chips on the number 28. When the number 34 came up, she fainted.
41-
Tricky Dicky, a used car dealer, was determined to break all sales records with his 'like new' models. A large sign in
his window announced: "One Blonde Free With Every Car."
A delighted young stud plunked down his money and, in hot anticipation, drove his newly won blonde out into the country. He parked, gave her a few preliminary kisses, and whispered a suggestion in her ear. She shook her head, smiled, and said, "You got that when you bought this car."
42-
Two blondes were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends. The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
"Impressive." said the second young thing.
"Well... yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."
43-
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician solicitously.
"Nah," replied Cindy, the blonde mother to be.
"He and my husband don't get along."
44-
The girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,9,10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mummy, Mummy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we
showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
45-
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the centre is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
46-
One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her handbag. Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.
47-
A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
48-
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and inquires if something is wrong?
"I finished the exam in half an hour but I am rechecking my answers..."
49-
A blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?"
The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."
The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
So she buys one.
The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blonde, asks, "What is that shiny object?"
She replies "It's a thermos."
She asks, "What does it do?"
She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
She then asks, "What do you have in there?"
"Two cups of coffee and an ice lolly."
50-
Ralph went to a bar and ordered a drink. After a few minutes, a beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him. Soon he invited her back to his place. When they got to the bedroom, the blonde exclaimed "Wow! A waterbed,
I've never had sex on a waterbed before."
Soon they were both naked and going at it. The blonde stopped him and said, "Before we go any further, don't you think we should put on some protection?"
"Good idea," Ralph responded.
The blonde jumped up walked out of the room, and when she came back, she was wearing a life jacket.
51-
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
52-
A young man was trying to explain the mysteries of horse racing to a blonde woman.
He said, "If you back a horse for five pounds at five to one, you win twenty five pounds. If you back it at ten to one, you get fifty pounds. And if you back it at twenty to one, you get one hundred pounds."
She answered politely, "And what happens if I back it at exactly one o'clock?"
53-
This executive was interviewing a nervous young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
54-
The young blonde was describing her evening's exploits to a friend. "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."
"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what happened?"
"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the blonde said.
"You didn't weaken your resolve did you?" asked the friend.
"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let HIS mother worry..."
55-
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.
56-
Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the label printers.
57-
Hear about the blonde that got an AM Radio? It took her a month to realise she could play it in the afternoon.
58-
How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for chips.
59-
Why do blondes have more fun? They are easier to amuse.
60-
Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow in the air? She missed.
61-
What is it called when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
62-
Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs? She wanted to build a darkroom for film processing.
63-
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The
police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's
license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."
64-
Natasha the blonde announced to the bartender, "Seems I've been informally named adviser on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counselling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," Natasha answered.
"During a staff meeting, I suggested a reduction in executive expense accounts and I was then told “When they wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."
65-
A blonde woman was in deep financial trouble, so decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.
She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I've kidnapped your child. Leave $25,000 in a plain brown bag behind the oak tree in the park by 7:00 am tomorrow."
The note was signed: The Blonde.
She pinned the note inside the little lad's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, the blonde returned to the park to find $25,000 in a brown bag, just as she'd
instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note: "Here's your money. I can't believe one blonde would do this to another!"
66-
A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"
67-
Blonde’s Complaint
"Last year at a Christmas party, I got off with this gorgeous bloke called Ben. He was a real arrogant git, but I've always been attracted to bastards.
Little did I know this bloke was the biggest shit imaginable. We went back to my place and he pounced on me straightaway. Within minutes, he was shagging me frantically from behind on the sofa. I began to think that doing it that way was really impersonal.
"Let me turn around, I want to see your face," I slurred in my drunken state. But Ben just carried on regardless. I tried to move round myself, but he held me in place, grunting something about his jeans round his ankles making it difficult to move.
I was getting well cheesed off and I could feel he was about to finish. I suddenly found myself groaning, "I want to see your face as you cum".
I felt him reach down into his pocket and just as he reached orgasm, he thrust his bus pass in front of my face. I stared miserably at a passport photo of the git as he shot his load behind me."
68-
Blonde Medical Terminology
Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhoea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- co usin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited
69-
An Essex girl went down to the social services to get her family allowance. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne, and Wayne," she answered.
"They're all named Wayne ?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call "Wayne" and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'Wayne, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
70-
A blonde sat sobbing in the police station. "I was raped by an Irishman." She wailed.
"How do you know it was an Irishman? The detective asked.
"I had to help him," the girl replied.
71-
A blonde walked into up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round trip ticket.
"Where to?" Asked the smiling ticket agent.
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, back here!"
72-
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed: "I almost got caught yesterday."
73-
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman.
"I'm diabetic, and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
74-
An attractive young blonde was about to go to bed with her blind date when she suddenly burst into tears.
"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!"
"I believe you," her date said, as he tried to comfort her.
"You're the first one," she gulped.
"The first one to make love to you?" he asked.
"No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me."
75-
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
"Objection!" said the defence attorney. "Irrelevant!"
"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."
"I object!" the defence said again.
"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."
The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the
defence to object."
So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."
76-
A blonde was taking the tour of a US national park not long ago. The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had been found in the area. The blonde exclaimed: "Wow I can't believe the dinosaurs would come this close to the highway!"
77-
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
78-
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other was in the cup.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using a number
3 they were unable to decide. So they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked,
"OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"
79-
The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
80-
Bob and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say: "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through." Bob's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says: We are expecting 10 to 12 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through." Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says: "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimetres of snow today. You must park......." then the electric power goes out. Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says: "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplough can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob said: "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
81-
A blonde, brunette and redhead were walking along the beach.
A seagull fly's over and craps all over the blonde, the brunette says in a disgusted voice "hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper."
After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh, the redhead says "what's so funny?"
The blonde says "well, blondes are suppose to be so dumb and look at her, by the time she gets back with the toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"
82-
Sarah comes skipping home from school one day. "Mummy," she says, "we were counting today and all the other children could only count to four, but I counted to 10. Like this - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10."
"Very good, dear," says her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?" Sarah asks.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," replies her mother.
The next day, Sarah comes skipping home from school. "Mummy," she says, "we were saying the alphabet today and all the other children could only say it to D, but I said it to G. Like this - A, B, C, D, E, F, G."
"Very good, dear," says her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," replies her mother.
The next day Sarah comes skipping home from school. "Mummy," she says, "we were in gym class today and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I don’t. Like this." And Sarah lifts her tank top to reveal a firm pair of breasts.
"Very good, dear," says her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No dear, it's because you're 24."
83-
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead!
84-
Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
85-
Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!
86-
87-
A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
88-
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
89-
She was so blonde that she:
Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope
Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter
Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries
90-
On a QANTAS LAX to SYD flight last month a blonde in the Economy Section got up and moved forward to First Class and took a seat. The Flight Attendant watched her do this and went over and asked to see her Boarding Pass. She then told the blonde that as she had only paid for Y Class she would have to return to her assigned seat.
The blonde replied: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm going to stay right here!"
The Flight Attendant phoned the Flight Deck of the 747 and told the Captain and First officer that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and wont move back to her proper seat. The First Officer comes down to talk to the blonde and explains that she must return to her assigned seat in the aft section of the aircraft.
The blond again replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful', I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here!"
He returns to the Flight Deck, tells the Captain what happened and says that he will contact Sydney to have the Police meet the plane.
The Captain says: "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He then goes down to where the blonde is seated, whispers something in her ear, and she says: "Oh, I'm sorry," and gets up and moves back to her proper seat in the Economy section.
The Flight Attendant is amazed and asks the Captain what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Sydney."
91-
This blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd read many books on the subject and after finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from above, a voice boomed: "There are no fish under the ice!." Startled, the blond moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again, the voice bellowed: "There are no fish under the ice!" The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her fishing hole. The voice came once more: "There are no fish under the ice!." Stunned, she stopped, looked skyward, and asked: "Is that You, Lord?" The voice replied: "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"
92-
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"
"I'd have to say the living one."
93-
A blind man enters a Ladies' Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you're blind that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
94-
Space Shuttle launches with the following crew; two monkeys and a blonde. Once in orbit, NASA is heard to give out commands.
"This is Houston, could monkey number 1 please carry out your task."
Monkey number 1 jumps over to the console, taps in a few instructions and a satellite is promptly launched.
"This is Houston, could monkey number 2 please carry out your task."
Monkey number 2 jumps over to the console and enters the commands to return the shuttle back to Earth.
"This is Houston, could the blonde please ca..."
"I know, I know... feed the fucking monkeys and don't touch anything."
95-
Two factory workers were talking. "I think I'll take some time off work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to show her... by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?
"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going?
The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark.
96-
A blonde pushes her car into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She asks, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
97-
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked: "Is it on or off?"
98-
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license. The blonde driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?" The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."
99-
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind....But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them....
Boy oh boy, did we go around!!
Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid...
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... "that in one year the windows would pay for themselves...."
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I have not heard back...
Guess I won that stupid argument.....
100-
Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in
the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and
killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."
The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while
when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.
Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied,
"Not now, I'm busy."
Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."
Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."
But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."
So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we're going to be millionaires!"
101-
Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.
102-
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
103-
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.
104-
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
105-
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.
106-
What do you call two blondes shaking hands?
A synapse.
107-
Sherry and Christy are having coffee at Starbucks when Sherry says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"
"Oh, no!," says Christy "I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."
"I also heard that you've been calling me fat!" says Sherry.
"Oh, no!," says Christy "I just said that the way you wear those stripes make you look larger than you really are."
"I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!" says Sherry.
"Oh, no!" says Christy. "I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"
108-
Q: Why did the blonde go to the courthouse?
A: There was a hung jury.
109-
Sadie bumps into her friend Rachel in Brent Cross shopping centre. "You’re looking very tired today, Rachel. Did you have a late night?"
"Yes," replies Rachel, "but it was all very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."
"Wow, fantastic," says Sadie, "so what were the choices he gave you, Rachel?"
"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory or else he could give my Issy a bigger penis."
"So tell me already, Rachel, what did you choose?"
"I can’t remember," replies Rachel.
110-
A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.
So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay.
As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.
"What happened?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"
"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the big fan."
111-
When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."
112-
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician solicitously.
"Nah," replied the blonde mother to be. "He and my husband don't get along."
113-
Why can't blondes get drivers licenses?
During the test, whenever the car stops, they jump in the back seat.
114-
Why are there no blonde ranchers?
They can't keep their calves together.
115-
Mike is a 50 year-old single guy who owns a successful gift shop in Edgware. He is very rich. One day, he somehow gets confused about how to pay an invoice he’s just received, so he asks Sylvia, his
blonde secretary, to come into his office.
Mike sits her down next to him and says, "Sylvia, if I were to give you £22,000, minus 17.5%, how much would you take off?"
Sylvia pauses, looks him up and down and replies, "Everything but my jewellery."
116-
A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "OH MY!" the trooper gasped: "your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine," the blonde chirped." "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began: "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree!
I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Er... ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off: "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth!"
117-
Sharon and Tracy from Essex won a holiday in Oz,
Whilst walking along along Bondi Beach in the moonlight, Sharon turns to Tracy and says ' which do you think is closest ? the moon or London?'
To which Tracy replies 'Hellloooo!! can you see London?'
118-
A man asks a blonde:
How many bagels can you eat on an empty stomach?
Four.
That's Impossible.
How?
Once you eat one, your stomach is no longer empty.
What a great joke!
The blonde runs over to her best friend and asks the same question:
How many bagels can you eat on an empty stomach?
Five.
Damn, that's no good.
Why not?
Because if you had said 'Four' I could have told you a great joke!
119-
Why do blondes wear woollen panties?
To keep their ankles warm.
120-
Two blondes were discussing the morning's headlines in the Star, when one says to the other ' that Yasser Arafat was a Spurs supporter then ?'
'How do you work that one out ?' the other answered.
'Well it say here that he is being buried in the Gazza Strip' she replied.
121-
A sexy
blonde lady meet a handsome young man in a pub, after some drinks and a little tipsy the sexy
blonde said to the young man, "My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two breasts are for tuning, left one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right breast is for tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want."
The young man was aroused by the young lady expression, and said to the lady, "I don't believe it."
Young lady said, "You can try it if you want".
Young man said, "Ok come to my hotel room and prove it to me."
They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the hotel room. Upon entering the room the young lady undressed herself and soon the young man start feeling the left nipple for AM/FM fine tuning. After a while nothing happen. He changed to the right nipple and start rubbing with greater pressure. Again nothing
happened.
The young man soon give up and ask the lady, "Hello sweetie, after I have tuned your AM/FM and treble/bass nipples there are no response."
The blonde replied, "You forgot to PLUG IN your power."
122-
Sadie,
a blonde, sent the following email to all her women friends.
"Dear All, I hate hoax warnings, but this one is important! Please send this warning to all the women friends in your email address book: -
If a man comes to your front door saying he is conducting a survey and asks you to take off your clothes, don’t do it. It’s a scam. He only wants to see you naked.
PS I wish I had got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now.
123-
"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model", the editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black". The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.
"What the hell did you do that for!", he exploded.
She smiled sweetly and said "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."
124-
Q. What does a blonde say after a multiple orgasm?
A. "Way to go, team!"
125-
I urgently needed a few days holiday, but because I never had any leave due to me, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a few days leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Mad" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My colleague (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing ? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "Mad" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked: "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are mad - take a few days off". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my colleague followed me, the Boss asked her: "...And where are you going?" All she said was: "I can't work in the dark..!"
126-
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.
127-
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says: "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says: "I'm actually a blonde."
"Thought so," the doctor says: ³you've broken your finger!"
128-
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen". The surprised salesman replies: "But computers do not need curtains..." And the blonde says: "Helloooo.... I've got Windows"
129-
Q. Why did God give blondes 2% more intelligence than horses?
A. He didn't want them shitting in the street during parades, too.
130-
A blonde phones the fire brigade and says "Can you please come quick, my house is on fire and will be demolished if you don't save it!"
The fireman asks "How do we get there?"
"Helllooooooooo", the blonde replies, "in the fucking big red truck!"
131-
Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her groin?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.
132-
Jill was a knockout but alas, she also was virtually
a brainless blonde.
Fortunately, this was no drawback as far as John's plans for the evening were concerned. He was delighted when she agreed to come up to his apartment for a night cap.
As he prepared the drinks, full of anticipation, Jill explored the apartment, stopping now and then to examine a painting or a book title, she didn't quite understand. Finally she stopped dead in front of his fireplace.
"What on earth is that?" she asked pointing to a carved wooden object lying on the mantel.
"Oh, that. It's African," he replied. "They use them in their fertility rites. It's a phallic symbol."
"Oh, I see." stated Jill demurely. "I'd hate to tell you what it looks like!"
133-
On their wedding night, Bruce displays his dick to his new blonde virgin bride and tells her it's the only one in the world. She, of course, believes him. He's gone for a conference for a couple of weeks and returns, only to be questioned by his new wife.
"Bruce," she says, "I thought you said you had the only one in the world. But Harry at the drug store has one too."
"Well, er," Bruce flusters, "Harry and I were in the war together, I had two, so I gave him one of mine."
"Oh. Well, why did you give him the big one?"
134-
The newlywed blonde at the bridge table was bemoaning the fact that she couldn't have children.
They gathered around and assured her that she would, but she insisted,
"Oh no, I just can't swallow that stuff."
135-
"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde." -Dolly
Parton-
136-
Jill,
the blonde, went to Kelly's place to tell her about a horrible experience she had the previous night with Simon.
Kelly asked, "Well, what happened when you got there?"
Jill said, "After sex, the son of a bitch called me a slapper!"
"What did you do then?" Kelly asked, somewhat shocked.
Jill said "I told Simon to get the hell out of my bedroom, and take his eight friends with him!"
137-
The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter. One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards.
"Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This is a stick-up,... not an office party!"
138-
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
139-
The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. "You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said.
"Try playing a game of fetch with him."
"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.
"Why not?" the doctor asked.
"Because," she replied, "He can't throw."
140-
What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money
141-
Q: Why did the blonde get confused in the the bathroom?
A: She is not used to pulling her own pants down.
142-
Q. Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex?
A. Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
143-
A blonde guy is in a sports bar crying to the guy on the next stool about his wife. "I thought she might be seeing another guy when I was at work. I work nights. Last night I took a day off work and spied on her. Sure enough a car drove up and a guy goes to my door. My wife opens the door and she's all dolled up and they embrace and smooch. They get in the car and I follow them. They went out for dinner playing
footsie, holding hands and cooing at each other the whole time. Then they went to a movie and I went and sat behind them. They smooched through the whole movie. Then they went back to my house and went inside. I saw them in front of the window kissing and then the light went out!! I can't stand it!" The other guy says, "Yea, it must be terrible knowing your wife has been sleeping around on you." The blonde guy says, "How can I tell for sure? The light went out!"
144-
"I don't get along with nurses. They're vicious to women. When my friend Trudy was in labour, the nurse looked down at her and said, 'Still think blondes have more fun?'"
145-
A 75 year old tycoon and his 22 year old blonde bride were on their way from the wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at the Plaza. Suddenly he had a tremendous heart attack. The paramedics were called to the scene and worked to stabilize the old man.
The paramedics laboured furiously over his frail body as the ambulance rushed across town. The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic, so, one of the medics turned to the blonde bride and said, "How about giving your husband a few words of encouragement? I think he could use them."
"Okay," she agreed with a shrug. She leaned toward the stretcher and whispered, "Honey, I hope you perk up real fast. I'm so horny I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."
146-
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blonde!
147-
A beautiful young blonde woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand.
The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.
"Not guilty," the blonde answered emphatically.
The prosecution council then approached the blond and said, "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack --on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the centre of London, in a blizzard... and you were totally nude"?
The blonde composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said..... "What was the date again"?
148-
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with a piranha?
A: I don't know, but it's your last blowjob.
149-
A single, blonde, pregnant girl goes to the grocery store. A couple that she knows notices she's pregnant.
The lady asks her "Who's baby is it?"
The blonde says, "Well... I don't know, they are going to do blood tests, but I think it's mine."
150-
Nina,
a blonde, and Jill were talking. Nina said, "I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew. I said, 'What do I do if he cries?' She said, 'Give him some vegetables.' It turns out that jalapeno is not his favourite."
151-
When one of the prostitutes passed away, the girls moped disconsolately around the house.
"Good old Gloria," lamented one. "She could handle twenty men a night, drink a fifth of whisky and still have the strength to roll five drunks."
Hearing this, one of the others, a blonde, burst into tears.
"Why is it," she sobbed, "that a girl has to die before anyone says anything nice about her?"
152-
Jill couldn't imagine why she was so popular.
"Is it my lovely blonde hair?" she asked Mike
"No."
"Is it my cute figure?"
"No."
"My personality?"
"No."
"Then I give up."
"That's it!"
153-
The playboy encountered a lovely young blonde thing on one of his trips abroad and decided to marry her. Blessing the fact that she was not only a virgin but totally naive, he seized on the wedding night as a chance to break her in right, and had her suck him off a number of times. The next day the bride went to see her mother, and burst into tears almost immediately.
"Oh, Mother," she sobbed . "I did so want to have children, and now I just know I never shall."
"Now, now, dear, what makes you so sure?" asked the mother soothingly.
"Because." she wept, "because I'll never learn to swallow that dreadful stuff!"
154-
Q: What do blondes and prawns have in common?
A: Their heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste nice.
155-
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. The blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis for months and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist: "we don't have any." "But I always buy it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container that it came in ...?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes, but not with me", said the blonde: "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her: "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant!" Really annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container:
"To apply, push up bottom!"
156-
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
157-
What do you give the blonde who has everything?
Penicillin.
158-
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car 'phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her: "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl: "there's bleedin' hundreds of 'em!"
159-
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK! I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK..."
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK, Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Romford, mate..."
160-
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says: "Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and de uva one's got an R on it?"
So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies: "Well, oim a little bit tick yer see. De one wit the R on it is for me roight foot and the one wit the L's for me left foot."
"Fuck me!" exclaims the Essex girl: "so that's why me knickers 'ave got C&A on 'em!"
161-
Q. What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A. A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
162-
Q. Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A. She kept having affairs with men!
163-
Two blondes were comparing their experiences at the company's annual Christmas party.
"Did you get laid, Sherry ?"
"Twice."
"Only twice?"
"Yeah, once by the band and once by the accounting department!
164-
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls.
He sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pant pockets.
Finally, after many glances, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him very thoughtfully.
No longer being able to contain her curiosity, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
165-
Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
166-
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or (D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because .. her friend was . well ... a blonde.
She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is ... absolutely correct!!
You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests . They live in clocks."
167-
Q. A bleached blonde and a natural blonde are on top of the Empire State Building. How do you tell them apart?
A. The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.
168-
A blonde woman pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the bonnet and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes a dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant:
"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"
"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"
"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!!"
169-
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young blonde woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the blonde and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"
"So would I," quipped the blonde, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."
170-
A
blonde woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat.
"I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told him. "She looks as if she's going to have kittens, but that's impossible. She's never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash."
The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her pregnancy. "But she can't be," protested the woman. "It's impossible." At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa. "How about him?" asked the vet. "Don't be silly," answered the
blonde. "That's her brother."
171-
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.
172-
A blonde strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"
The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"
173-
Nina the office blonde said that with all the new transplants they're doing, she'd like to see about being a virgin again.
But Jill just laughed and said, "And where in hell do you think they'd find a donor?"
174-
A guy shows up for work on Monday at noon.
The boss says, "Where the Hell have you been?"
The guy says, "I was at a Blonde wedding Friday night and I won second prize in the raffle."
The boss says, "So?"
The guy says, "So second prize was spending the weekend screwing the bride."
The boss says, "What was first prize?"
He says, "A canned ham."
175-
A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew.
The brunette's word was quizzical.
The redhead's word was photosynthesis.
The blonde's word was dick.
176-
One day, it was so hot in Miami that Becky,
a blonde, almost died on the beach. It was just lucky that a lifeguard opened her mink coat in time.
177-
Two young blondes were talking about their active sex lives when the first girl said, "Oh my god!, it was really great, but I was so scared after his rubber broke. I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."
"What happened then?" said her intrigued friend. She answered, "I was so worried I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the last little piece of it out with dental floss."
178-
Blonde Trish has a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says, "Open wide". "I can't," replies the blonde, "this chair's got arms."
179-
Two Irish blonde women were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one woman digging a hole, the other filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger: "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed: "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three - woman team. But today, the woman who plants the trees called in sick..."
180-
Q. Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?
A. The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
181-
Q. What does an ugly blonde use for sexual lubrication?
A. Chapstick.
182-
Why are blondes like pianos?
When they aren't upright, they're grand.
183-
What do blondes do for foreplay?
Remove their underwear.
184-
Debbie was a knockout blonde but alas, she also was virtually brainless. Fortunately, this was no drawback as far as Tom's plans for the evening were concerned. He was delighted when she agreed to come up to his apartment for a night cap.
As he prepared the drinks, full of anticipation, Debbie explored the apartment, stopping now and then to examine a painting or a book title, she didn't quite understand. At last she stopped dead in front of his fireplace.
"What on earth is that?" she asked pointing to a carved wooden object lying on the mantel.
"Oh, that. It's African," he replied. "They use them in their fertility rites. It's a phallic symbol."
"Oh, I see." stated Debbie demurely. "I'd hate to tell you what it looks like!"
185-
One winter's night in Essex, a trucker stops for a red light and a blonde in an 4x4 pulls up alongside. She jumps out of her car, runs over to his truck and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers his window and she says: "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds on down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly: "Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says: "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it, he says: "Hi, my name's Kevin and I'm driving a fucking gritter ..!"
186-
What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Introduce herself.
Walks home.
187-
Jill, a blonde, goes to the doctor. After examining her thoroughly, the doctor is perplexed.
"I'm not sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad cold or you're pregnant."
"Oh," says Jill, "I must be pregnant --I don't know anyone who could have given me a cold."
188-
What's the difference between a blonde and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to say No.
189-
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense.
As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting 'BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'.
She sorts of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts 'BE SILENT!'.
There was pin-drop silence every where and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment and all of a sudden started shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!!
OE...
190-
Two
blondes talking:-
Mary: Don't you just hate when you want ONE cookie, but you have to buy a whole bag to get one?
Jill: Right! Or maybe you want ONE doughnut, but you have to buy the whole box of a dozen!
Mary: And the hotel charges for the whole night when you're going to use it for only a couple of hours!
191-
A young couple in love finally got all approvals and set their wedding date.
The frisky blonde bride-to-be cuddles up to her fiancé and said,
"Darling, you know I want to fulfil this fantasy of mine to make love before we get married. Could we?"
"But it's not long until June, dear," the cautious groom-to-be replied .
"Oh," she exclaimed.
"And how long will it be in June, do you think?"
192-
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
193-
Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.
Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"
Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."
Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.
Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."
194-
It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather "princess-like" young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom. Her name was Judy and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodworking shop class that term. The shop teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class, and Judy assured him that she was. The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"
"What exactly do you mean?" replied Judy.
"Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop teacher asked.
Judy pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
195-
We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.
We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
Sined by the blonds at the ofise
196-
Nina the office blonde said that with all the new transplants they're doing, she'd like to see about being a virgin again.
But Jill just laughed and said, "And where in hell do you think they'd find a donor?"
197-
A blonde on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"
"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.
"But where are the glaciers?"
"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."
198-
A Blonde goes to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV, "she told the salesman. "Sorry but we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back again and told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV" "Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new
colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV,"
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
199-
Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says "I just don't understand it. Why aren't we getting any ducks?"
Her friend says "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."
200-
What's a
blonde's idea of natural childbirth?
No makeup.
201-
A brunette, redhead and blonde were at a special magic Amusement Park. One of the rides was a long slide at the end of which was a magic pool. On the way down the slide, all the rider had to do was shout out his or her
favourite drink and, hey presto, they would land in a pool full of this drink. So off they went. The brunette went first. On her way down she shouted out: "Vodka" at the top of her voice, and sure enough she landed in a pool of the finest vodka. After filling several bottles and glasses she went home, happy but a little un-steady. Next the redhead, who loved a 10 year old malt, went flying down shouting: "Whisky", and of course into a pool of whisky she fell. She had to be dragged away practically unconscious. Now it was the blondes turn. She was very excited, and on her way down she was enjoying the ride so much she shouted:
"Weeeeeee........."
202-
Sadie bumps into her
blonde friend Rachel at the mall. "You're looking very tired today, Rachel. Did you have a late night?"
"Yes," replies Rachel, "but it was all very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."
"Wow, fantastic," says Sadie, "so what were the choices he gave you, Rachel?"
"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory or else he could make my Harry the best lover in the world."
"So tell me already, Rachel, what did you choose?"
"I can't remember," replies Rachel.
203-
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
204-
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was indicator signal fluid."
205-
A blonde and a brunette drive into a lumberyard. The blonde gets out of her truck, walks up to a worker, and asks for some four-by-twos. "You mean two-by-fours?" the worker asks. The blonde says, "I'll go check." She walks back to the truck, asks the brunette, and returns a minute later. "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "OK, how long do you need them?" asks the worker.
The blonde pauses for a minute and says, "Hold on, I'd better go check." After a moment, the blonde returns to the worker and says, "A really long time. We're gonna build a house..."
206-
A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself. She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring. Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying: "A bit more to the left...a little to the right! ...now pull!..."
207-
Why are Asians so smart?
(No blondes.)
208-
What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?
(You get to park in the Handicapped Zone)
209-
A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried. She asks, "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time?"
The doctor replies, "Well, women have been having babies for a million years without attendance by doctors. It's a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant."
The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"
210-
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a
gynaecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, Doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your underpants and get up on the examining table..."
"Well, all right, Doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby."
211-
This blonde went to her hairdresser with headphones in her ears. She tells the hairdresser to give her a haircut, but not to take the headphones out because she cant live without them. So the guys like 'yeah whatever', and he starts to cut her hair. half way through he starts to get frustrated of the headphones getting in the way so he takes them out and goes to the back of the shop to get something. When he comes back he finds the blonde lying dead on the floor. He picks up the headphones and places them in his ear, and he hears a voice saying: "breathe in.....breathe out", "breathe in.....breathe out ..."!
212-
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."
In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
213-
Ivonne, a blonde, was standing in front of a soda machine saying, "You are a dumb looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. People are going to be punching you all your life. You are a natural loser ! Then you are going to be replaced by a much better looking button."
I foolishly asked Ivonne why she was talking to the soda machine. Ivonne pointed to the notice on the front of the machine, which said, ...."Depress button for ice."
214-
Q: Why did the blonde get confused in the the bathroom?
A: She is not used to pulling her own pants down.
215-
What does the label in an Essex Girls knickers say?
NEXT!
216-
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that lost her boyfriend?
A: She forgot where she laid him.
217-
Two blondes are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car down to a bank they're going to rob. "Drive slower" pleads the one in the passenger seat, "I don't want all the nitro in the boot to explode." "Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat . . . "
218-
What's the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus.
219-
We went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.
Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the centre of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car."
220-
"It's
funny," says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his dick."
"You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard..."
They turn to the third blonde and ask, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!"
"You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it."
She says she'll think about it. The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
"Whoa!" the first blonde asks. "How did you get that black eye?"
"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she says.
"What on earth for?" the second blonde asks.
"I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete's and Richard's are so cold."
221-
1)- How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl.
2)- Why do redheads really like their hair colour?
It does the same thing for the men it does for the bulls ... it fires them up!
3)- Why didn't Indians scalp redheads?
They knew better.
4)- Why aren't most redheads flat-chested?
It makes reading the T-shirt more exciting.
5)- How can you tell if redhead is lonely?
There are less than 5 men around her.
6)- Why are redheads considered evil?
Aren't ALL addictions considered bad for you?
7)- What is the most frustrated animal in the world?
A man that's taken with a redhead, but is batting 'zero.'
8)- Why don't redheads wear training bras?
There's nothing 'in training' on a redhead.
9)- Why did they quit selling redheaded Barbie dolls?
Ken kept having low self esteem issues.
10)- What did the frustrated redhead say to her uninterested lover?
Nothing. 'Frustrated' and 'uninterested' don't appear in a redhead's vocabulary.
11)- What do redheads miss most about a great party?
The lack of equality in male partners.
12)- How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?
She has scratched 'Stay off MY TURF!' on his back with her claws ...er ... nails, that is.
13)- How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
She unties you.
222-
Diary of A Blonde's Cooking...
Monday: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The
neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
Sunday: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
Good Night Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
223-
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his beautiful blonde wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.
Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant... much less a deer. Not
10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, yells: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
224-
The blonde co-ed danced excitedly into her room clapping and chanting, "I won! I won! That guy is so stupid!"
Her room mate asked "What on Earth are you going on about?"
"Well," the blonde explained, "I just met this really stupid guy who bet me a dollar that if I touched my toes he could screw me without my feeling a thing, and I won!"
225-
Two women were discussing their heavy smoking habits. "I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck strongly." "That's all very well for you," huffed her
blonde friend. "But I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"
226-
Q. Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?
A. The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
227-
Betty's blonde girlfriend was relating, "Well after over a half hour of pretty heavy making out, I asked him, "Are you ready for some oral sex now?'"
Betty commented, "Oh wow, I bet he jumped at that suggestion?"
Her friend said, "Yeah he did, but he damn nearly fell off the couch when I said, 'Good ! ... then you can go home and call me.'"
228-
What's a blonde's idea of natural childbirth?
No makeup.
229-
Q. What does a blonde say during a porno movie?
A. There I am!
230-
What does the label in an Essex Girls knickers say?
NEXT!
231-
There once was this blonde gal who took a sales job in a sporting goods store. She had worked there for about a week when a rather shy guy walked in to make a purchase. He looked around, and seeing no male clerks, started to leave. The young gal, seeing this, immediately walked up to him and said, "Can I help you?"
He replied, "No, thanks. I didn't see any male clerks, so I decided to leave."
She said, "I'm a professional. You can ask me anything you would ask a male clerk."
He thought for a moment then replied, "O.K. I need a jock strap!"
She was a little flustered as no one had ever asked for such an item before, but she maintained her composure. "I'll look in the back and see if we have any." she said.
So she left for the back room. When she got there, she saw jock straps-- lots of them. They were all in boxes marked, S, M, and L. She returned to where the young man was standing and said, "Yes. We have them. What size would you like?
Short, Medium or Long?"
232-
A blonde with two burnt ears goes to the doctor, who asks what has happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"
"They called back."
233-
A mini-skirted, totally blonde, Valley Girl sashayed over to her blind date and said, "Like dude, I want you to totally screw my brains out."
"Sorry," he replied, "I'm not into quickies."
234-
A girl ( blonde ) had devised a device to cause any car that passed in front of her house to suddenly break down but couldn't find any practical way to profit from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as the cars passed the house and broke down, she'd offer the man in the car a place to stay for the night. Then as soon as the man was asleep, he'd be jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she'd hold a sign up saying "$50 or I'll bite hard!".
Of course usually the guy would pay and she'd let him go. Well one day John broke down, and had to stay the night. Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding the sign "$50 or I'll bite."
John just smiled and said "$100 or I'll piss!"
235-
A man goes into the local Sweet Shop and asks for "A Boost, a Twirl and a Topic please"
The blonde female assistant behind the counter says "You've got lovely eyes", spins around on her chair, and says "Interest Rates, do you think they'll rise again next month?"
236-
A sexy blonde walked into the doctor's waiting room and couldn't find an empty seat anywhere.
Finally, she walks over to one gentleman that was sitting down, and said, "I wonder if I might trouble you for your seat. You see; I'm pregnant."
The gentleman groaned, coming to his feet and offering the lady his seat.
As the young lady sat down, the man looked her over and said, "You know, if you hadn't told me, I never would have guessed you were pregnant.
How far along are you?"
Looking at her watch, she replied, "Oh, about a half an hour!"
237-
A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray.... "God, please help me.
I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lotto."
That night the blonde dreams she wins the lotto. Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
The next day she prays...
"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good Servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the
lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice
of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this..... Buy a ticket."
238-
Why are blondes like pianos?
When they aren't upright, they're grand.
239-
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."
240-
I have a "true" blonde story for you. This really did happen... I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his new girlfriend,
Dorothy.
While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. "Bimbette" (I really called her this for the rest of the time they were together and right to her face). Anyway, Bimbette said that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation.
I tried to explain to her that it was not a real place. She laughed and said "it is too, it's where Batman lives".
I then laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was serious. I then tried to explain that, "he does not exist, why do you think there have been three of them: Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?"
She looked me straight in the eye and said "that is because he doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."
241-
Did you hear about the blonde virgin who wasn't upset about losing her cherry? She figured she could always get a new one, since she still had the box it came in.
242-
I have a friend who insists that he recently met a
blonde who is so naïve that when he asked her if she knew the difference between a screw and a Caesar salad she said she had no idea. "Did you explain it to her?" we asked. "Hell no," said our friend. "But I have lunch with her every day."
243-
A blonde and a brunette are talking in the office...
Blonde: I'm not feeling very well... I have a sore throat.
Brunette: When I have a sore throat, I give my husband a blow job... the next day, my throat is fine.
Blonde: Hmmm... interesting.
The next day...
Brunette: How's your throat?
Blonde: Fine... your idea was great! Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!
244-
A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying, "Ehh... 23!". The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Stephanie!". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss, we can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohhh that," replies the blonde, "that's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
245-
A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T. G. I. F. tee-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?'
'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front.'
246-
A blonde is on board a small two- seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio. "Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams. Ground control receives her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First, I need you to give me your height and position." "I'm 5 foot 2 and sitting in the front seat!"
247-
It was a slow afternoon at the pharmacy when Anthony, the pharmacist, saw a young, buxom blonde walk into the drugstore. The beautiful blonde sashayed up to the counter and asked Anthony, "Do you sell extra large condoms?"
The pharmacist replied, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
The blonde responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
248-
Q. What did the post card say from the blonde?
A. Having a good time. Where am I?
249-
I just came home and caught my blonde wife reading my diary. She was real angry. She shouted "Who the fuck are April, May and
June?
250-
What's the difference between a blonde and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to say No.
251-
Sharon is not the brightest secretary that Jonathan has employed, but she always does what she is asked to do. One day, Jonathan needs a long column of figures to be added up for a sales presentation he is giving later on that afternoon, so he says to Sharon, "please add up these figures for me and make sure you check the total is correct. I need them for an important meeting and I wouldn’t want to give out wrong information. May I suggest that you add up the column three times to be absolutely sure."
"OK, sir," replies Sharon.
One hour later, Sharon goes to Jonathan and says, "Here is what you asked me to do, sir."
"Thank you, Sharon," says Jonathan, "and did you check it like I asked you to do?"
"Yes, sir, three times," replies Sharon, "and here are the three answers, sir."
252-
Petishun
We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.
We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
Sined by the blonds at the ofise ________________________________________ ________________________________________ ________________________________________
(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)
253-
The blonde co-ed danced excitedly into her room clapping and chanting, "I won! I won! That guy is so stupid!"
Her room mate asked "What on Earth are you going on about?"
"Well," the blonde explained, "I just met this really stupid guy who bet me a dollar that if I touched my toes he could screw me without my feeling a thing, and I won!"
254-
Two drunk blondes are stumbling home one night. One of the girls has to take a walk to the bushes and stumbles off into a field. After quite sometime the girl waiting goes looking for the other girl. She finds her with a horse giving him a handjob. When she asked her what she was doing, she replied, "Hang on I think I might be able to get us a ride home."
255-
Q. Why are coffins for blondes shaped like a triangle?
A. Because every time their heads hit a pillow, their legs spread open.
256-
"Let us assume," said the professor, "that you are aboard a small craft alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several thousand sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid any problem?"
"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction," stated the brunette.
"I would pass them, trusting my knife and a bottle of mace to keep me safe," responded the redhead.
"Frankly" murmured the blonde, "I understand the situation, but I fail to see the problem."
257-
A street-wise stunningly beautiful blonde walked into a bank and asked to see the manager about a loan. When seated in his office, she said, "Look! Before we get started on this, I heard a story where a girl borrowed some money and she was unable to pay it back. The manager of the bank made her sleep with him for $100 a night until the loan was paid off. Could that happen?"
The bank manager smiled, "Well, I've never heard of such an occurrence, it's not likely..." then he looked her over again, "but... I guess it's not impossible."
"Good!" smirked the blonde, "I'd like to borrow $286,000."
258-
I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype of all Essex girls being filthy sluts, but one time I raped a girl from Romford, and afterwards she gave me her phone number.
259-
Dining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers boisterously celebrating some event at a nearby table. Toward the end of their meal, one of them produced a camera.
"Hey, wait a minute," one of her companions said. "You have to be in the picture too."
I approached and asked if I could help and the blonde girl with the camera was delighted. I snapped a picture of the group and then, being unfamiliar with the camera, I asked her, " Do you want me to take another in case that one doesn't come out?"
"Oh, no, that's okay," she chirped. "I always get the double prints."
260-
As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a blonde girl asked the flight attendant, "What's that stuff all over the hills?"
"Just snow."
"That's what I thought. But the fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
261-
A rather well-proportioned blonde decided to spend almost all of her holiday sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The manager doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but he would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" she asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
262-
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds
before replying "Ehhhh .. 22!". The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?". The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top
of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!". This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....'"
263-
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a chicken.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and
says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
chicken.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' He said with a deep sigh, . . . . . ..'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
264-
Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover. She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a tummy tuck, butt implants, botox, collagen... the works. Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman -- literally. Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the new "body work." When the exam was finished, he called her in. "Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem that often affects women your age, osteoporosis." Bambi looked puzzled. "Osteo--what?" "Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their
40s." Bambi giggled, blushed and said, "Oh, really, Doc. You've seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and this face, I get new bones quite often!"
265-
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
266-
Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?
A: Because blondes would have to think them up.
267-
Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover. She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a tummy tuck, butt implants, botox, collagen... the works. Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman -- literally. Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the new "body work." When the exam was finished, he called her in. "Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem that often affects women your age, osteoporosis." Bambi looked puzzled. "Osteo--what?" "Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s." Bambi giggled, blushed and said, "Oh, really, Doc. You've seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and this face, I get new bones quite
often!
268-
A blonde just texted me saying, "What does idk stand for?"
I texted back saying, "I don't know" and she replied, "OMG, no-one does!"
269-
I heard the dog barking before he and his owner actually barreled into our vet practice. Spotting a training video we sell, the
blonde owner wisely decided to buy one.
"How does this work?" she asked, handing me a check. "Do I just have him watch this?"
270-
The perky blonde returned home with an ultra-mod, clear-plastic minidress and held it up for her stodgy husband's approval.
"Why, you can see right through it," the astonished husband gasped.
"No you can't, silly," she answered. "Not when I'm in it."
271-
When a blonde finally got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked, how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, "... and upon rising the coffee is ready!"
A few weeks later the blonde wife was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
272-
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'
273-
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
I asked why so long a password. "Because," she explained, "the policy states that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
274-
The backwards
blonde hillbilly girl walked into the drugstore to buy tampons for the first time, after looking at shelf upon shelf of feminine hygiene products she timidly approached the pharmacist with her dilemma, I'm confused by all these different brands and sizes, she confessed, I don't know which ones to
buy.` I see, said the pharmacist, tell me, what's your flow like? puzzled the girl replied,' it's linoleum, why?
275-
A contestant, Sally, on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor B) the buzzard C) the cuckoo D) the vulture"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because . . . her friend was, well, a blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes, that is my final answer."
"That answer is Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
Sally fainted.
276-
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the
counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young blonde woman
beside her.
Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the blonde and
bellowed with a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than
smoke!"
"So would I," quipped the blonde, "but you know, there just isn't enough time to
get a good screw during a coffee break."
277-
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and
promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying
frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded
to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour. Shortly before landing in New
York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin: "Would the
gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are, and
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
278-
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the
following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8
characters long.
279-
Cindy and Sandy were walking down the
street and Cindy noticed Sandy was carrying a book bag; so she asks "what do you
have in your bag Sandy?”
Sandy responds "Some Chickens".
Cindy asks "If I can guess how many there are can I have one?"
Sandy says "If you can guess how many there are you can have both of them."
Cindy says "Are there 5?"
280-
The English teacher asks the blonde cheerleader to use the word "handsome" in a
sentence.
The blonde thinks a minute and says "When my mouth and jaw get tired, I use my
handsome."
281-
Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
282-
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
Apparently someone slipped something into their drinks, and they woke up in
jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of
them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she
has any last words. She says, 'I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and
believe in the Almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the
innocent.' They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall
to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words... 'I just
graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice
to intervene on the part of the innocent.' They throw the switch and again,
nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for
forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, 'Well, I'm from
the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical
Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if
you don't plug this thing in...”.
283-
"Let us assume," said the professor, "that you are aboard a small craft alone in
the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several thousand
sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid any
problem?"
"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction," stated the
brunette.
"I would pass them, trusting my knife and a bottle of mace to keep me safe,"
responded the redhead.
"Frankly" murmured the blonde, "I understand the situation, but I fail to see
the problem."
284-
A blonde is pregnant and is close to her delivery due date. She goes to see
her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried. She asks, "What if the
baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time?"
The doctor replies, "Well, women have been having babies for a million years
without an attendance by doctors. It's a very natural process. The first thing
you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant."
The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove
compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"
285-
Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the
second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher."
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $20 worth."
286-
Two Blondes were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing
impotence in the male. "Aren't you worried about Tommy's new job at the gas
station? said Alice. Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his
pencil." "Doesn't matter." giggled Rachel. "He doesn't do all my writing
anyway."
287-
A couple of blondes went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented
a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet
above the river. Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the
wind. Soon after, a car went past and the wood-plank roadway moved beneath their
feet. "I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," one blonde
said to the other. "What are you worried about?" the second replied. "It's a
rental."
288-
The popular blonde cheerleader bounced into the local card shop, looked around,
and then approached the clerk. "Do you have any, like, real special birthday
cards?" she asked. "Yes, we do," he replied. "As a matter of fact, here's a new
one. It's inscribed, "To the Boy Who Got My Cherry.". "Wow, neat!" she squealed.
"I'll take the whole box."
289-
A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor, "I
believe I am losing my mind. I can't remember anything after five minutes!" The
doctor answers, in his most comforting tone, "Just take off all your clothes,
miss, and lie down..."
290-
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an
anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
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