Bars & Drinking
1-
A playboy, out for pleasure one evening, picked-up a well-dressed young lady at a bar and took her to his apartment. She appeared well-to-do, chic, and very intelligent. Thinking to make an impression, Mr. Playboy showed her some etchings, first editions, etc. He then offered her some wine, asking whether she preferred sherry or port.
"Oh, sherry by all means!" she replied. "Sherry is like the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in this crystal-like decanter fills me with the anticipation of a heavenly thrill. When the stopper is removed and the beautiful liquid is poured into the glass and I inhale the delicious tangy aroma, I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. As I taste the magic potion, my whole being thrills and glows, it seems like a thousand violins throb in my ears, and I'm carried into another world."
"Port, on the other hand, makes me fart."
2-
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot
asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about the football, cricket and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in Bollington these days?"
3-
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister."
4-
A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible
odour coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"
The drunk says, "'Cos I'm not finished yet..."
5-
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me doesn't offend the other customers."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a
marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
6-
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick up the kids from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."
"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.
The stranger calls back, I'm over here, on your swing."
7-
A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk. She accepted. "What's your name?" he asked her. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?" "Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen." "Why did you do that?" he asked. "Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What's your name?" "Beerpussy," the man replied.
8-
A man is running short of cash in the bar, so he bets the barmaid ten bucks that he can bite his right eye. She thinks about it for a minute and figures it's a safe bet, so she says "you're on". The guy pulls out his glass eye-ball and bites it. The joke was on her and she laughs as she hands over the ten bucks. A little while later he offers her a chance to get her money back. He bets her ten bucks that he can bite his left eye. She thinks about it and knowing that he can see, thinks it's a safe bet. Once again she says "you're on". The guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. Laughingly she pays again. Later on he gives her a chance to get her money back. He bets her twenty bucks, double or nothing, that he can screw her without her feeling a thing. This is one she's sure she can win, so she takes the bet. After she gets off work the two of them go out the back of the bar and the guy spread-eagles her over the front of a car and gives her a hell of
pummelling. She cries out ooh I can feel it, I can feel it, I win the bet. The guy says oh well, "you win some, you lose some".
9-
Things that are difficult to say when you're sober...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
10-
James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment the woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it. The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast......"
11-
This beautiful blonde girl walks into a pub. She asked the bar tender for a triple Jack Daniel’s, she drinks it back in one shot and orders another. After five more of the same she falls on the floor blind drunk. All the men in the pub take advantage of this, they all screw her.
The next night, she comes back to the same pub. She asked the bar tender for a triple Jack Daniel’s, She drinks it back in one shot and orders another. After five more of the same she falls on the floor blind drunk. All the men in the pub take advantage of this, they all screw her.
The third night, she comes back to the same pub. She asked the bar tender for a triple Jack Daniel’s, She drinks it back in one shot and orders another. After five more of the same she falls on the floor blind drunk. All the men in the pub take advantage of this, They all screw her.
On the fourth night, she comes back to the same pub. She asked the bar tender for a Martini. The Bar Tender said “ I thought you drunk Jack Daniel’s ?” Not any more, It Makes My pussy Sore!
12-
A guy is having a quiet drink
in a pub and decides to nibble a few bar
Then he goes over to the cigarette machine. As he puts the money in,
Confused, the guy goes up to the barman and tells him what's happened.
”Sorry about that sir,” says the barman, “The reason is the peanuts are
13-
A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple Scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend.
"Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house." As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense", said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'
14-
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." ONE CENT that is way too cheap!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir "replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?".. The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
15-
A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants..... 'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits' he says..... 'You dirty git' shouts the barmaid 'get out before I get my husband.'..... The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants..... 'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says..... 'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!!' she storms..... Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. 'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'..... 'I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup'.... The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. 'What's up love?' he asks.... 'There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off', she says..... 'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband..... 'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.... 'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat..... 'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.... The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on..... 'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically 'Look love. I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness...'
16-
It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"
17-
Remember, an alcoholic & a drunk are not the same thing at all.
The alcoholic has to attend meetings.
18-
There are three guys drinking in a pub, when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while he approaches the group of lads, and, pointing at the one in the middle shouts 'I've shagged your mum!' The other two guys look bewildered as the man resumes his drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back and yells at the middle guy again 'Your mum's sucked my cock!'. And then goes back to his drink. The same thing happens, ten minutes later he's back again and announces 'Oi! I've had your mum up the arse!'. Finally the guy in the middle stands up and shouts, 'Look, Dad, you're pissed, now bugger off home'.
19-
Dan is in a bar and he has had quite a few already. At two o’clock, last round is offered, and although he knows he shouldn’t, he drinks another beer, simply because they taste just too good.
After the final beer, he slides from his stool and immediately drops on the floor.
This was not what he had expected. He knew he had had some, but... He tries to get up but again he falls. After several more attempts, he gives up and decides to crawl home. At the door of his house he realizes it is better not to stand up, since he will almost certainly fall over again and wake up his wife. So he crawls quietly inside to his bed and slips under the covers without his wife’s awakening. The next morning his wife asks him furiously.
“Were you drunk again last night”?
Danny boy is surprised and asks her how she knew.
“They just called from the bar, you left without your wheelchair.”
20-
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.
The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."
Looking at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."
21-
TO ALL THE DRUNK WOMEN!
CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT - YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your knickers up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to start a fight with "some bitch".
4. In your last trip to the bathroom you realise you now look more like Gail from Coronation Street than the goddess you were just
four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burger on the floor of Burger King and pick it up & carry on eating.
6. You start crying and
telling everyone you see that you love them soooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
10. You've forgotten where you live.
11. You've started to sound like Bonnie Tyler from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned 10 TIMES by now !) you only smoke when you drink.
12. You yell at the barman, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the vodka.
13. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
14. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
15. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
16. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling takedown moves.
17. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!)
18. You show your friends that girls can wee standing up if they really want
19. You believe that dancing with
your arms over your head and wiggling your butt
20. You begin leaving the buttons open on your
button-fly pants to cut down on
21. You take your shoes off because you believe it's
their fault that you’re having
22-
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks the blonde, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young girl looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
23-
The case for drinking
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer Helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster more efficient machine. The result of this in depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years. This is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, We must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.
24-
Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, "You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one." Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.
Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, "There is another on the way, so call back later."
At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.
Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: "The score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last one was a duck."
25-
A man enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks.
The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron.
The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds.
The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks,
"What do you have?"
"One Pound Fifty ," the man answers.
26-
Fellow walks into a Texas hotel dining room and orders a small glass beer. When the waiter comes with the drink it was the size of a a keg. The guy says that he just ordered a small glass of beer.
The waiter says, "That is a small glass of beer, son. Everything in Texas is big."
Then he ordered a small steak. When the waitress brings it to him, it is this huge 40 oz. piece of meat. The guy says that he only ordered a small steak.
The waitress says, "Son, everything is big in Texas.
After eating he asks where the bathroom is and is told to take the third door on the right. By now he is a bit smashed and though he carefully counts the doors, he enters the third door on the left and falls into the hotel swimming pool and sinks to the bottom.
As he surfaces, he lets out a terrified scream, “For God’s sake don’t flush”
27-
A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over. So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.
"Jeeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?"
"Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"
"But my dress?"
"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up"
"But what about my underwear?"
"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them."
"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"
"Only the first time, Madam."
28-
Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her.
He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time."
"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"
"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"
29-
A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one, "This is for the shame," and then the second one," This is for the glory."
She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one, "This is for the shame," and then the second one, "This is for the glory."
She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her, "Ma'am, I was just wondering...what's this about shame and glory?"
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my great dane mounted me from behind."
"That must be the shame," the bartender said.
"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked out and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."
30-
One night in the pub, the owner is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. As he moans and groans to some of the regulars at the bar, a stranger dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says: "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation just then. I'm a doctor at the mental hospital up the road, and as part of our Outreach programme I'm trying to integrate some of our more sane individuals back into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday? You'll have some customers, and my patients will have a good night out, it's a win-win situation. What do ye think?"
Well, the publican isn't sure but, being a licensed vintner and all that, the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night has a certain appeal, so he agrees.
The following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten of his mental patients. He explains to the publican: "They might try to pay for their drinks in unusual ways, so could you ever just accept whatever they give you, put it all on a tab and I'll settle up the account at the end of the night."
The barmen have a great time selling a clatter of pints and encouraging the mental patients to eat crisps and peanuts. The new customers appear to be having a great time, having a sing-song, getting merrily drunk and paying for their drinks with empty Coke cans, banana skins, used teabags and plastic shopping bags.
At closing time the head barman adds up the bill and it comes to just over three hundred quid! The bloke with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organise the mental patients and get them ready to get on the bus and drive back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people, gives him a discount.
"Let's call it £250 ," he says.
The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says: "That's fine. Have ye change for a wheelie bin?"
31-
A woman walks into a pub and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gives her one.
32-
An Arkansas hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him "Here friend, take a drink outta my jug." The man protested, saying he never drank. The hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded "Drink!" The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Gee! that's awful stuff you've got there." "Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."
33-
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fair's rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun. He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live tortoise. The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another tortoise. Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target and pulled the trigger three times. Again, he scored three bull's-eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. "That's fantastic," the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?" The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd, "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!" "I don't want any bloody glasses," the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
34-
This bloke walks into a pub, and there's a horse behind the bar serving the drinks. The lad is staring at the horse, when the horse says: "Hey mister - what are ye staring at? Haven't ye ever seen a horse serving pints before?"
The bloke says, "No, no, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
35-
One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks down to where the ugly man is. The bartender says, "Please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly. Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir, what is it about you that these women are so crazy about?"
The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said, "I haven't the foggiest idea."
36-
Why Beer is Better than Women
You can enjoy a beer all month.
Beer stains wash out.
You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
When beer goes flat you toss it out.
Beer is never late.
Hangovers eventually go away.
You can have a beer in public.
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
Beer labels come off without a fight.
You can share a beer with your friends and enemies.
Beer never has a headache.
After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
A beer always goes down gently.
A beer is always wet.
You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
A beer doesn't care when you come.
A frigid beer is a good beer.
Beer always comes in multiples of six.
Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
You never find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
Beer looks the same in the morning.
Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
Beer doesn't get cramps.
Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
Beer always listens and never argues.
Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
Beer doesn't have cold hands and feet.
A bottle of beer never gets any heavier.
If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
Beer doesn't need much closet space.
Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
Beer never changes its mind.
Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
Big, fat beers are nice to have.
Beer NEVER says no.
Beer is easy to get into.
Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
Beer doesn't wear a bra.
Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
Beer doesn't mind football season.
A beer doesn't care if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
A beer will not call you a sexist pig.
A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are stupid.
A beer won't raise a fuss about leaving the toilet seat up.
A beer will never stop you from reading Playboy.
A beer is always ready to leave on time.
A beer never fishes for compliments.
A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
37-
Paddy, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to all his mates that he was swearing off drinking and that they should give up this foul habit also. His friends would tease him to fall off the wagon by giving him whiskey and get him drunk. Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol. One day his best friend told him he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always ends up drunk. With a twinkle in his blood shot eyes he said " What, and give up all that free whisky?"
38-
A beautiful, sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies' room."
39-
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop!
A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop!
Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop!
Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left ...then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says...
"That boy should have quit while he was a head."
40-
Alcohol Warning Labels:
If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your fucking head in.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Xmas party.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants, or (panties) anyway.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you cannot remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on one's forehead (or knees)
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really BIG biker guy named "Big Al."
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting all over them.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you, not AT you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
41-
A guy walks into a bar with a lizard sitting on his shoulder.
He says to the bartender, "A double whiskey for me and," pointing to the lizard, "A half-pint of Guinness for Tiny here."
"Why do you call him Tiny?" asked the bartender.
The man answered,
"Because he's my newt."
42-
It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon, and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
43-
A group of fonts walk into a bar.
"Get out of my pub!" shouts the barman. "We don't serve your type in here."
44-
One night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe late one night and, after a couple of drinks, realised he was the last person in the bar except for a chap sleeping at one of the tables.
The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill.
"Would monsieur care for another drink?" asked the Frenchman.
"No thanks, I imagine you want to close up. Why don't you send that other fellow home?"
"Well, I should," said the other. Then, with Gallic logic, he added, "But each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it again."
45-
William Shakespeare goes in to a pub and the landlord shouts "GET OUT, Your Bard!"
46-
St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced.
Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 11 a.m.
Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons. The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up: 1 litre spring water 1 bottle aspirin 5 pairs incontinence pants 1 bottle Pepto Bismil 1 gram morphine sulphate 1 oz. human adrenaline extract 1 precharged electric defibrillator 4 Cardiac needles 1 trauma surgeon Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink. Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die. Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.
Leg 2: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something. If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: Popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant: "We're not serving you". By now, you should switch from coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring.
Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is. By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are: Football; you should be more passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are all piss-arsed, pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and kicked into the Liffey. If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular.
The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing
Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now. The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything. Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out. By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and biologically impossible for you to remember any of it.
47-
The beer company held a contest to select a name for the new beer they had been developing. They advertised over all the airwaves and in all the newspapers. They received thousands of submissions.
The panel of judges was kept busy for many weeks sorting through all of the entries. Finally they settled on one particular entry - "Love On A Lake". The selected entry was given to the president of the company for his approval.
The president's comment was, "I like the name but, I'm puzzled as to how the contestant selected this name. If he can explain the meaning of the name, I'll be happy to award the prize to him."
The judges located the contestant. When they asked him for an explanation, he responded, "Well, love on a lake is fucking near water and that's what this beer tastes like!!"
48-
Dear Alcohol,
I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you. First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours...your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly.)
Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed -- the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game... and you're even around in the holidays: Hidden inside chocolates you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately, I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity occurs at 5 AM.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce coupled with a pot noodle and some stale crisps (washed down with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 30 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old "Hey, you're in my class" syndrome circa 1996 at SU, and should heretofore be rendered illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's shag." While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.
Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm Hangover Immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e. water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be quite minimal and no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when we just don't know what to do with the extra money in our pockets. In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday at 5pm (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters.
Sincerely - your biggest fan
49-
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?' Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
50-
I walked into a bar the other day and asked for a glass of orange, the barman said "Still?", I said "Yes, I haven't changed my mind."
51-
I walked into a bar the other day, they had a chicken for a waiter, I thought he looked strange because he was laying tables.
52-
I walked into a really rough pub the other day, the bouncer on the door asked me if I had any weapons, when I said no he gave me a knife and told me to be
careful.
53-
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes
a seat at the bar next to another guy.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says.
"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar".
"Why is that?", the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man.
He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.
"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Give it a try, it's a blast", he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90..100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says,"You know Superman, you can be a real arsehole when you're drunk".
54-
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there
must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him, "What's up with the jar?".
The bartender tells him, "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money."
"What are the three tests?"
"Pay first. Those are the rules."
So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills. The bartender
says, "OK, here's what you have to do....
"First, you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND you can't make a face while doing it.
"Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
"Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
The man responds, "Well I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I can't do all that... it's impossible!"
"Well, you asked, and I told you...those are the rules, and your money stays in the jar.
Well, time goes on and the man has several drinks, then asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.
Then he says, "Right, the dog's next?" He staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
55-
Myra Hindley, Ronnie Kray, and, Fred West are in Hell, each waiting for their turn to be cast into the eternal flames.
As a favour, Satan tells them that they can each have one last cold beer before being thrown into the fires.
Myra Hindley says, "I'd like a Budweiser, please".
She is given the beer and drinks it before falling into the raging inferno.
Ronnie Kray says, "I'd like some Fosters, please".
He drinks his can of Fosters and then disappears into the furnace.
"What about you, Fred ?", asks the Devil.
"I could murder some Tennant's", says Fred.
56-
The distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in rapid succession before the bartender asked him, "You trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?"
"You could say that," the guy replied.
"It usually doesn't work, you know."
"No shit," the man moaned. "I can't even get my wife no where near the water!"
57-
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. The bartender says "Olive or Twist?"
58-
A drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date.
The drunk just won't take no for an answer. "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!" the lesbian smirks.
The drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"
59-
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted in front of my wife."
The drunk replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
60-
An old tramp walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first."
"I'm broke, sonny, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart Dixie!"
The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees.
The tramp drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves.
The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart Dixie! Not shit all over my stage!"
The guy replies, "Hey! Even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he sang!"
61-
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, 'Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks.'
The bartender said, 'That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first.'
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. 'Where did you get all that money?' asked the bartender.
'I'm a professional gambler,' replied the man.
The bartender said, 'There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?'
'Well, I only bet on sure things,' said the guy.
'Like what?' asked the bartender.
'Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,' he said.
The bartender thought about it. 'Okay,' he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. 'Aw, you screwed me,' said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
'I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,' said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, 'Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet.' So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
'Aw, you screwed me again!' protested the bartender.
'That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,' said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, 'Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.'
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. 'Okay, you're on,' he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, 'Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!'
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, 'That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!'
62-
Express Lane: Five beers or less
(Sign over one of the urinals in a pub)
63-
Two drunks are travelling on a train. As the train approaches a station one says,
"Is this Wembley?"
"No" says his pal, "it's Thursday."
"So am I, let's have another drink!"
64-
A homeless guy is travelling down a country lane, tired and hungry he comes across a Pub called the "George and the Dragon." Although
it's late and the Pub is closed he knocks on the door.
The innkeeper's wife sticks her head out a window. "Could I have some food?" he asks.
The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says, "No!"
"Any chance of a pint of ale then?"
"No!" she says again.
"Could I at least sleep in your barn?"
"No!" By this time, she was fairly shouting.
The down and out says, "OK Then Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman interrupts impatiently.
"Might I please have a word with George?"
65-
In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died.
Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.
The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going.
The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?"
The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change his mind.
So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.
"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"
66-
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
"One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to stop."
67-
A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer." The bartender got it.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."
68-
A guy walks into a bar and says to the woman bartender,
"Hey, babe, Anheuser Busch?"
"Fine", she says, "and how's your dick?"
69-
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a Kiwi all walked into a bar.
The bar tender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
70-
"My wife and I split up because we had too much in common," said the solitary drinker to the bartender.
"Is that so?"
"Yeah - we both liked to eat pussy!"
71-
Two oranges walk into a pub and one says to the other: "You're round"
72-
"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!"
73-
A piece of string walks into the pub.
The barman says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve string."
String goes outside, ties itself up a bit, pulls it's ends apart, goes back in the pub.
Barman says, "Aren't you that piece of string I just refused to serve?"
String says, "No mate, I'm a frayed knot".
74-
A man sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers was all wet. Turning to the man on his right he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"
Nope," came the reply.
Then, turning to the man on his left, he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"
The man also replied, "Nope."
"Oops, it must have been an inside job."
75-
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
76-
The six fraternity men came weaving out of a popular off campus bar and started to crowd themselves into the Jeep for the ride back to the frat house.
One of them, obviously, the house president, took charge of the situation.
"Henry," he said, "you drive. You're too drunk to sing."
77-
Two guys get off a ship and head for the nearest bar. Each one orders two whiskies and immediately downs them. They then order two more
whiskies and once again quickly throw them back. They then order another two
whiskies apiece.
One of them picks up one of his drinks and turning to the other man says, "Cheers!"
The other man turns to the first man and asks, "Hey, did you come here to bullshit or did you come here to drink?"
78-
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
79-
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Miami Beach. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar " ..." ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!".
They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they should not judge the 'book by its cover.'
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully-stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each , please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, ......."That's 40 more cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They've each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."
"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "Oh, those are vacationing Scotsmen. They're waiting for happy hour."
80-
A very drunk lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."
81-
I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.
82-
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
One of the drunks said, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
83-
Two old drunks were really lapping them up at a bar one night.
The first old drunk said, "Ya know, when I was thirty years old and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was
forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard."
The first drunk continued, "By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
84-
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
85-
This white horse walks into a pub and asks for a pint of Guinness.
The barman looks at him and says, "'Hey ye wouldn't believe this - we've got a whisky named after you."
The white horse looks confused and says, "What - Dobbin?"
86-
A plate of fried eggs, sausages, rashers, black and white pudding, potato bread, tomato, tea/coffee and toast walks into a pub.
The barman says: "Sorry pal, we don't serve breakfast."
87-
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not what to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chilli cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down, it's completely unnecessary. The black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober, yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal! from now on. While
I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the guy with the crooked teeth, acned-up face, bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you and why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous now. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m -hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any
day for that matter) activities. C'mon now, it's only fair - you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you from your biggest fan.
88-
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said: "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said: "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all'.
Murphy replied: "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of
Jamesons Whiskey.
Shamus said: "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile: "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Murphy said: "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said: "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm pissed and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said: "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
89-
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food joints fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still can't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But, why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin'... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"
90-
On an out of town business trip, after a meeting in the afternoon and the obligatory dinner that evening with the client, I went to my hotel room, watched some late-night TV and turned in at about midnight. After tossing and turning for over an hour I decided to give it up for a time and go down to the hotel bar for a drink.
At that time of night - it was now close to 1:30 - the bar was almost deserted. As I slid onto a barstool I noticed a lonely looking guy at the end of the bar just sitting, without a drink in front of him, just looking down at his hands.
When the bartender roused himself, came over and asked, "What'll you have?" I replied, "Let me have a bourbon old fashion, and see what the guy at the end of the bar is drinking."
When the drinks came, the man at the end of the bar raised his glass in a gesture of thanks and all was silent for a time.
When I finished my drink I called to the bartender for another, adding, "But this time, leave out the fruit."
The other guy stiffened, visibly angry, and shouted, "Screw you mister, I didn't want the first drink!"
91-
A man goes into a pub and orders a pint of bitter, halfway through the pint he goes for a piss.
Whilst he is away a large black lady takes his pint drops her knickers squats over it farts and then returns it to the table.
When the man returns the barman tells him what has happened.
The man confronts the woman 'Oi you fart in my Whitbread ?'
'No' she replies 'I'm Tessa Sanderson'
92-
A Tribute to Beer…
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
"Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
93-
It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"...
94-
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "Scuse me," said a customer who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was all that about?" "Nothin," said the Irishman: "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
95-
Important Warning for Men
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs." Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that: "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more
susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses
96-
Why do seals only drink Schweppes?
Cos Canadian Club goes straight to their head!
97-
HANGOVERS
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your makeup on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover, (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems
to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good right about now...
98-
A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about 10 minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly. The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.
"Oh some son-of-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head".
"Ouch! What happened?"
"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"
"Yeah, then what?"
"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you???"
99-
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
100-
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.
101-
A man walks into a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the counter, seats himself on a stool and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he will not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses and leaves via the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries: "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
102-
A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, by which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke. The broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood and checked himself out in the mirror. Sure enough, his backside was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, his rear was hurting and he was hiding under the covers trying to think up a good story when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said: "where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said: "and stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she said: "you must have got really plastered last night." "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she said: "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
103-
A man walks into a bar with a large paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender greets him and asks: 'what's in the bag?' The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about a foot high, then sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and this time pulls out a small piano, placing it on the counter too. He reaches into the bag yet again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by
Mozart. "Where on earth did you get him?" Says the bartender. The man responded by reaching into the paper bag yet again. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He handed it to the bartender and said: "Here, rub it." So the bartender rubbed the lamp and suddenly there's a great gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Anything you like ... but each person is only allowed one!" The bartender got really excited. Without hesitation he said: "I want a million bucks!" Moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they kept coming. The bartender turned to the man and said: "Y'know, I think your genie's a bit deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." "I know, I know, you don't have to tell me," said the man: "do you really think I asked her for a 12 inch pianist?"
104-
This
is what you get when you mix beer with viagra!
105-
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head."
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me."
"Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"
106-
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Miller and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains,
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church in Sweetwater and I had to quit drinking.
Hasn't affected my brothers though."
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A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says:
"Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"
108-
A chap walks into a pub and orders himself a beer.
He notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting on the next stall, and asks him if he wants a beer.
"No thanks," replied Vincent, "I've got one ear."
109-
A recent report said that “Too many people use alcohol as a crutch”
So why do I keep falling over when I'm drunk?
110-
Two men at
a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours. One of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."
The other replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me."
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."
The man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" he asks.
"She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather shit her pants."
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After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where she was sat and said: "What can I get you, gorgeous?"
The woman blushed and replied: "If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please."
The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman's ear: "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?"
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Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head. "What's the matter?" inquired the bartender. "While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribblings on the wall, and one that said: 'WENDY GIVES REALLY FABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST B. J. IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!'" replied the customer.
"Ah buddy, I wouldn't give it a second thought, we get jerks in here like anywhere else," said the bartender.
"I know," continue the headshaker. "One of them has scratched out the phone number!"
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A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver:" I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs: " I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison..."
114-
Two blokes staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely pissed mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "I'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the bartender.
"What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap.
"No more for him - he's driving," the patron answered.
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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told My husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a. m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
116-
Did you hear about the rheumatoid alcoholic?
Every night he gets stiff in a different joint.
117-
A cocktail party is an affair where a mans gets stiff, a woman gets tight, and they return home to find that neither is either.
118-
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:
They have no wife to go home to... or they do.
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A well-dressed gentleman entered an upscale restaurant in the East End of Manhattan, and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came over and asked "What can I get you to drink, sir?"
The gentleman responded, "Nothing, thank you. I tried alcohol once, didn't like it, and never tried it again."
The bartender was a bit perplexed, but being a friendly sort, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered the gentleman one.
The gentleman refused, saying, "I tried smoking once, didn't like it, and never did it again. The point is, I wouldn't be in here at all, except that I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender retorted, "Your only child, I presume?"
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St. Patrick Day Self-Help Guide
St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced.
Leg 1: 7 a. m. to 9 a. m. Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3p. m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet. The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up: 1 quart spring water
1 bottle aspirin 5 pairs Depends undergarment 1 bottle Percocet 1 gram morphine sulphate 1 oz. human adrenaline extract 1 precharged electric defibrillator 4 Cardiac needles 1 trauma surgeon Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink. *Note that coffee should be drank liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die. Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a. m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.
Leg 2: 9 a. m. to 11 a. m. Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative, since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every city in America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans. Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in line for drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit. We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur while putting a cigarette out on your neck.
Ask for coffee with whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.
Leg 3: 11 a. m. to 2 p. m. It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles:" Man drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to die." If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off".
By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food
colouring.
Leg 3: 2 p. m. to 7 p. m. By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long brunches and bail out of church early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is. By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance.
Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are: Football really means Soccer and you should be more passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are all piss-arsed, pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and kicked into the Liffey. If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular.
The Home Stretch: 7 p. m. to Closing Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now. The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with
honour is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything.
Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out. By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and biologically impossible for you to remember any of it. Tune in next week for our next self- help guide: The Pros and Cons of Waking Up Naked In a Dumpster.
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A drunk walks into a bar and stands next to a wise ass. The wise ass walks up
to a woman seated at the bar and whispers, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" The lady spins around indignantly and says, "What did you say to me?" "Particular' nasty weather!" answers the wise ass.
"Oh," says the woman. The drunk thinks this is uproariously funny. The wise ass moves on to another lady, saying, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" After the lady asks him to repeat his profane inquiry, he answers, "Particular' nasty weather!" "Well yes it is, she answers."
The drunk can stand it no longer, and asks the wise ass if he could try the little joke. "Be my guest," replies Mr Smarty-pants.
So the drunk walks up to a likely young woman and blurts out, "Fuck you... It's raining."
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Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."
The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes."
The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how fucking likely is THAT to happen?"
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Myrddin was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.
"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant.
Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had a quart of whiskey he would sell it?"
He was acquitted.
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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the
Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
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A fellow is talking to his Irish buddy and says, "I gotta stop drinking that Irish whiskey"
"How come?" asked his friend.
"Because every Saturday night I go out and drink a fifth of the stuff, come home, make mad passionate love to the wife, wake up Sunday morning, and go to church."
"What's wrong with that?" the Irishman asks. "A lot of good Irishman go out on Saturday night, drink a fifth of good Irish whiskey, come home, do the wife, and go to mass on Sunday."
"I know," said his friend, "but I'm Jewish."
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Dear Alcohol, First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any convers ation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a. m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit-Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin, prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
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Beer Trouble
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights. FAULT: Insufficient beer intake. ACTION: Up the dosage.
SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt. FAULT: You've been walking into things. ACTION: Maintain dosage.
SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands. FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts. ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.
SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around. FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride. ACTION: It's too late, you made an ass of yourself.
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Last New Year's Eve my wife stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing.......... The bartender was almost crushed to death.
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A man goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five shots.
The bartender gives him an odd look since he's all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar. The man downs them all quickly.
He finishes the last one and calls out, "Four shots, please!" The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar.
The man downs them all.
Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back. "Two shots!" he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go.
As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One shot bartender."
So the bartender fills the glass.
The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "You know, it's a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get."
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New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer :-Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks :-Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks :-Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below) :-Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...
Drink: White Zinfandel :-Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue. Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
Drink: Shots :-Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila :-No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ---- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whisky: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay!
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A guy 4'6" tall walks into a bar and orders a drink then stands up and yells across the bar, "Who is the baddest man in here?" This guy 6'4" stands up and says "I am." Well, the little guy goes over and whips the crap out of the big man and leaves. Next day same thing little man orders a drink and proceeds to whip the crap out of the baddest man in the bar and then leaves. This goes on for 2 weeks straight. Finally the bartender decides to do something so he buys a mean man-eating gorilla. Next day the little man comes in orders a drink says "Who's the baddest man here?" Bartender says, "He's in the bathroom!" After 10 minutes of screaming and yelling the little guy comes out of the bathroom and tells the bartender, "When the guy in the bathroom wakes up, tell him his fur coat is in the trash can."
132-
Bob and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Bob was looking really down in the dumps.
"What's the matter?" Bill asked.
"I don't get it," Bob sighed. "The dating scene is so confusing. There are so many damn people you have to please. Like this one woman, she liked me, her
mum liked me, but her father hated me. Then there was this other woman, both of her parents really liked me, but SHE didn't like me. And then there was this woman I met last night. She absolutely loved me, her parents seemed to really like me too, BUT her husband couldn't stand me!".
133-
A cocktail party is an affair where a man gets stiff, a woman gets tight, and they return home to find that neither is either.
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The roof of the church in County Armagh was leaking and the priest asked for volunteers to raise funds for its repair. Mike offered his services.
About a week later, the priest met Mike who was straggling from side to side as a result of having imbibed too freely.
Mike was apologetic. "I'm collecting for the roof, Father," he said. "Every one of the neighbours I called on insisted on giving me a wee drop after paying his subscription."
The priest was shocked. "Are there no teetotallers in the parish, Mike?"
"Oh, yes, to be sure," said Mike. " I've written to them."
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Beer ~vs~ Pussy
A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement. Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot. Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton. Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not. Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in. Advantage: Pussy.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer. Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad. Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need. Advantage: Pussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much pussy and you will get poor. Advantage: Draw
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game. Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyser. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five. Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better. Advantage: beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable. Advantage: beer.
Pussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain God. Advantage: Pussy
If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. Advantage: Pussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment. Advantage: Draw
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are. Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back. Advantage: beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright. Advantage: Draw
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red Good pussy: Almost all but the above. Advantage: Pussy.
The government taxes beer. Advantage: Pussy.
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie. Advantage: Pussy
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On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling
Cabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.
Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward, "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."
The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"
Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can You tell me what's in my glass?"
Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at the drunk's glass. "Christ, this tastes like piss", he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out.
"That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."
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"I just got married," my friend Danny announced, as he entered the local den of iniquity.
After buying him a cold one to celebrate his capitulation and loss of freedom, I asked him, "Why in hell would you do a dumb thing like that ?"
Danny responded, "so that I could get laid three or four times a week."
"That's funny," laughed the bartender,. "That's exactly why I got divorced."
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A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound from LA, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."
When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."
Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!
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"Most people hate the taste of beer to begin with. It is, however, a prejudice that many people have been able to overcome." --Winston Churchill
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HOW TO HAVE FUN WITH BEER COASTERS
1) Remove a beer coaster from your local bar.
2) Carefully split the beer coaster top and bottom.
3) Insert a $10 bill and reseal.
4) Return to bar.
5) Place beer coaster under glass.
6) Wait for the bar to get extremely busy.
7) Discuss in a VERY LOUD voice the adverts on TV and in the papers which says Brewery X have hidden
$10 bills in their coasters.
8) Keep arguing about whether it's true or not until everyone in the bar knows what you're talking about.
9) Tear open some beer coasters; look depressed.
10) Partially tear open the one with the 10 bill in it.
11) Shout, "I've won ! I've won", and wave the tenner still wedged in the beer coaster around
12) Watch every coaster in the bar get destroyed
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Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects to find anything drinkable in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck!
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Things you can and can't say when your Drunk.
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk .
a) Innovative b) Preliminary c) Proliferation d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk . .
a) Specificity b) British Constitution c) Passive-aggressive disorder d) Transubstantiate
Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk ...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you. b) Nope, no more booze for me. c) Sorry, but you're not really my type. d) No kebab for me, thank you. e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? f) I'm not interested in fighting you. g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing. h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination. I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street. j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning. k) Look, it would be great to have a shag but I hardly know you and we will only feel really embarrassed and awkward in the morning. l) That girl is looking at my boyfriend but I am sure its just because she knows him or something. m) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I fell off. n) I must get to my bed as I could never have a really good sleep in that hedge. o) I really believe in prohibition. p) I honestly don't think the rest of the city centre wants to see my bare ass. q) No.. you are not my bestest mate in the whole world. I've only known you for a few hours. r) I'm sure those young women are extremely intelligent and have wonderful personalities. s) I'm sure my feet would be damaged for life if
I take my shoes off and walk all the way home. t) A creamy *beep* followed by 4 shots of tequila.... surely that would be no good for my insides. u) Me? go for a pee in the men's room because the ladies queue is too long? I don't think so. v)
I'll just have a big glass of water before I go to bed so I don't have a hangover in the morning.
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Drinker’s Zodiac
ARIES
Drinking style Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.
Trademark cocktails: Aries, born under the hot-stuff planet Mars, is the ruler of spicy food and red things -- and for balance, astrologers recommend they eat tomatoes, onions, olives and greens. That's right, Aries, you were born under the sign of the bloody Mary. Aries also rules grapefruit, and they've been known to kick back a salty dog and a sea breeze or two. For extreme hotcha, try a concoction with cinnamon liqueur in it.
Drinking buddies Marlon Brando, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Al Gore, Thomas Jefferson, Elton John, Eric McCormack, Rosie O'Donnell, Sarah Jessica Parker, Reese Witherspoon
TAURUS
Drinking style Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.
Trademark cocktails: Early-to-bed Taureans need a picker-upper -- try a Red Bull and vodka. They also have a leviathan sweet tooth and are fond of drinks with names that sound like dessert (50-50 bar, mudslide). Sweetly caffeinated drinks, like Irish coffee or white Russians, are ideal. More macho Taureans will go for something unpretentious, like a Jack and Coke or whiskey sour.
Drinking buddies Cate Blanchett, Tony Blair, Pierce Brosnan, Cher, Penelope Cruz, William Randolph Hearst, Jerry Seinfeld, Barbara Striesand, Uma Thurman, Renee Zellweger
GEMINI
Drinking style Geminis can drink without changing their behavior much -- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Geminis possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring
-- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.
Trademark cocktails: Easily bored Geminis need some stimulation in their drinks -- those with two parts, like a black and tan (or just a double), are particularly appealing. Otherwise, they'll drink all over the map, ordering frou-frou drinks to add to their collection of cocktail monkeys or going for whiskey rocks because they're feeling rather noir. Gemini rules the herb anise -- make some home-infused anise vodka as a gift.
Drinking buddies George Bush Sr., Johnny Depp, Rupert Everett, Boy George, Allen Ginsberg, Angelina Jolie, John Kennedy, Ian McKellen, Kylie Minogue, Morrissey
CANCER
Drinking style Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional"
(read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favourite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do.
Trademark cocktails: Ruled by the moon, Cancers are intrigued by the idea of moonshine -- any brown booze, from a bourbon press to a whiskey and soda to grandpappy's special brew in a mason jar, will do. They also like comfortingly warm and sweet drinks, like hot toddies and hot buttered rums. The sign also rules the flavour vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.
Drinking buddies Pamela Anderson, George W. Bush, Bill Cosby, Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford, Sean Hayes, Lil' Kim, George Michael, Princess Diana, Prince William
LEO
Drinking style Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling
-- Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one what brung them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.
Trademark cocktails: Leos like flashy drinks, be they complicated tropical concoctions festooned with umbrellas, like a Bahama mama or the more common strawberry daiquiri or mai tai. Indeed, they often have a taste for the fruity -- try a screwdriver, or add an extra cherry to the next Manhattan. Their sense of drama lends itself to a kir royale, of course.
Drinking buddies Ben Affleck, Gillian Anderson, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, Jennifer Lopez, Madonna, Debra Messing, Kevin Spacey, Martha Stewart, Andy Warhol
VIRGO
Drinking style Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!
Trademark cocktails: Many Virgos prefer clear, simple, untreacly drinks like vodka tonic or a real margarita, though you'll find 'em drinking anything from unflinchingly downing Cuervo straight to smirkingly ordering a dirty virgin. They also tend to like bitter, low-alk guzzles like Campari and soda. They rarely change their drink once they've found it, however.
Drinking buddies Cameron Diaz, Hugh Grant, Christopher Isherwood, Michael Jackson, Freddie Mercury, Carrie-Anne Moss, Dorothy Parker, Ryan Philippe, Keanu Reeves, Lily Tomlin
LIBRA
Drinking style "I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!
Trademark cocktails: Aesthetic Libras like pretty, pouffy drinks like a pink lady or a brandy Alexander. That's the influence of Venus, their ruling planet, which also gives them a horror of crudely named potions like Sex on the Beach. They're fine with "normal" guzzles like apple martinis, but every Libra secretly just wants Champagne, and lots of it.
Drinking buddies Jimmy Carter, Simon Cowell, Ani DiFranco, Janeane Garofalo, Hugh Jackman, Martina Navratilova, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sting, Oscar Wilde, Catherine Zeta-Jones
SCORPIO
Drinking style Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and scr*w you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool -- though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
Trademark cocktails: Just as a Scorpio can look you in the eye and smile while secretly plotting your demise, so does the brandy-laced stinger's sweet taste hide a potent amount of alcohol. If you want to get literal, serve them a scorpion -- they may not love tropical drinks, but it shows you're paying attention. Scorpio rules watermelon, so break out the blender and fix a pitcher of watermelon margaritas to seduce 'em -- though red wine will do the trick just as well.
Drinking buddies Truman Capote, Hillary Clinton, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jodie Foster, Bill Gates, k. d. lang, Megan Mullally, Demi Moore, Sylvia Plath, RuPaul
SAGITTARIUS
Drinking Style In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).
Trademark cocktails: A travel-loving sign, Sagittarius might be intrigued by drinks like Moscow mules, Singapore slings -- perhaps even a Long Island iced tea (not a bad option, given how much Sag can put away and still stay vertical). Party monsters that they are, they're attracted to shots, like the ever-popular lemon drop. Sag rules pears, and could use a nice pear cider right about now, come to think of it.
Drinking buddies The Bush twins, Margaret Cho, Noel Coward, Betty Ford, Lucy Liu, Brad Pitt, Keith Richards, Frank Sinatra, Anna Nicole Smith, Britney Spears
CAPRICORN
Drinking style Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.
Trademark cocktails: Old-fashioned Cap would probably like an old-fashioned just fine -- or a dry martini, or a gin and tonic, or a gimlet -- or any other no-nonsense quaff. They prefer drinks that taste like alcohol and generally hate drinks with more than three ingredients. However, they like the flavor of cranberry and will order a cosmo if they can handle the wait for it to get mixed.
Drinking buddies Orlando Bloom, David Bowie, James Dean, Marlene Dietrich, Martin Luther King Jr., Jude Law, Annie Lennox, Marilyn Manson, Richard Nixon, Elvis Presley
AQUARIUS
Drinking style Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative -- and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist): Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.
Trademark cocktails: Aquarius is likely to order stuff most people have never heard of a capirinha, Satan's whiskers, a negroni, an Arthur Tompkins. They like to stump the bartender. This sign rules the color electric blue and would be pleased by any tipple featuring blue curacao. They also rule the olive tree, so pour the juice into that dirty martini.
Drinking buddies Jennifer Aniston, Ellen DeGeneres, Dr. Dre, Matt Groening, Ashton Kutcher, Ronald Reagan, Christina Ricci, Justin Timberlake, Oprah Winfrey, Elijah Wood
PISCES
Drinking style If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign
-- and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways, you know.
Trademark Cocktails: Pisces rules fresh mint, and they do love a mojito or three -- though a julep will do just as well. They also like punches, like sangria or the oh-so-aptly named fish house punch. (Pretty much anything will satisfy a Pisces in a pinch, though -- "drinking like a fish" is an idiom pulled out of the zodiac, not the deep blue sea.) Pisces is a chocoholic and loves creme de cacao
(and spiked cocoa).
Drinking buddies Drew Barrymore, Chastity Bono, Chelsea Clinton, Kurt Cobain, Edward Gorey, Queen Latifah, Liza Minelli, Anais Nin, Sharon Stone, Liz Taylor
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"I think I'll have another drink. It makes you so witty and charming."
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A man walks into a bar after a long ride on his horse. He walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. When he gets his beer, he starts eyeing this beautiful lady in the corner. Just as he turns back, a monkey runs up to the beer, dunks his balls in the beer and runs off.
Agitated, the man says to the bartender, "I can't drink this now! Give me another beer!" So, the bartender brings him another beer. Before the man could do anything about it, the monkey ran back over, dunked his balls in the beer and ran off before the man could grab him. Even more angry, the man says, "I can't drink this now. Bring me another beer!" He gets another beer and guards it with his life. The monkey sneaks up behind him, knocks the stool out from underneath the man, hops up onto the bar and dunks his balls in the beer. Now the man is thoroughly pissed. He grabs the bartender and says, "Man, I've had it. Whose stupid monkey is this anyway?"
The bartender replied, "It belongs to the piano player."
The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Excuse me, do you know your monkey is dunking his balls in my beer?"
To this the piano player replies, "No, I sure don't, but if you hum a few notes, I'll fake it."
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A guy goes into a bar and settles down to have a beer. He's looking around when he sees a piano sitting in the corner. "A piano!" he exclaims. "Hey, bartender, can I play it?" "No, man. That doesn't belong to the bar. It's the piano player's. He doesn't like anyone touching it." But the gentleman persists, promising he won't hurt it, that he's a piano player, and knows how to treat a piano. He persists for an hour, and finally the bartender gets sick of it and gives in. "OK,
yo u can play one song. ONE song! If the piano player catches yo u, I'll be the one in trouble." The man promises one song, and goes to the piano and begins playing. As the bartender listens, he is captivated by the tune. It only lasts a few minutes, and the gentleman closes up the piano and returns to the bar. "Man," the bartender exclaims. "That's a beautiful tune! I don't remember ever hearing it before." "No, I wrote that tune."
"You wrote it?? My God, why don't yo u get it published. It's beautiful!" "I've tried, but no one will publish it."
"You're kidding?? They won't publish a beautiful tune like THAT?" "Yeah, well, they liked the tune, they didn't like the name." "Well, what did
you call it?" "I Love You So Fuckin' Much I Could Shit."
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Dennis the drunk was broke as usual, but needed a drink. He knew the barman to be a sporting fellow, so he offered him a bet ...
"I'll bet you the price of a pint of beer that my prick is longer than your cat's tail," he said to the barman. The barman could not resist a certain winning bet so he lay down his money.
The barman whipped up the cat and measured it and then measured Dennis's somewhat sad-looking member. "You lose by just over 3 inches, Dennis," he said, "so pay up!"
"Just a minute," slurred Dennis. "Where did you measure the cat's tail from?"
"From its arse to its tip replied the barman.
"OK," said Dennis. "Well, would you mind giving me the same courtesy!"
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A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis.
After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband really pissed off."
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The compulsive gambler walked into a gay bar, ordered a drink and struck up a conversation with a fellow at the bar. When his companion went to take a leak, the gambler turned to the guy on the other side of him and said boldly,
"I bet you $200 you've got terrible haemorrhoids."
Knowing this wasn't the case, the man readily agreed to the bet, stood up and pulled down his pants. The gambler looked and looked, didn't find a single
haemorrhoid. He promptly handed over the $200 and headed for the men's room. The winner sat back down on his bar stool and delightfully recounted the story to his friend on his return.
To his surprise, his friend pales.
"That son-of-a-bitch!" he cried. "Just ten minutes ago he bet me a $1,000 he'd have you drop your pants in the middle of the bar...!"
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The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked,
"Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!"
"Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.
The boss replied, "Good, then YOU fire her!"
151-
Q. What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist?
A. A proctologist waits on one arsehole at a time.
152-
The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry.
The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble, Sweetie?"
She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?"
Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush.
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Scott was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a brothel. "You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said, "It's actually really romantic." "Oh, yeah?" responded Scott. "Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids and she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the madame wouldn't give me my money back and refused to give me another girl."
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Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the missus.
"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't waken the neighbours."
"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs" he shouted.
"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted down
"I can't" he said "I've drank it!"
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You are defined by what you drink (Men):
1. Boddingtons - unimaginative, boring, civil servant types stuck in a job they hate who drink alcohol purely because they do not have TV or girlfriend. This type thinks NuMetro is a kind of posh train service and that News Café is a bookshop. If you are a boss and you are looking for a loyal employee, look no further than a Boddingtons drinker.
2. Bass - this group is made up mostly of guys who used to be on the cutting edge 10 years ago in the 90's - but nobody has told them that having a studded fake diamond earring in one ear and gold-capped teeth ceased being socially-acceptable in 1994. Because 90% of them are slapheads, they think anyone with any hair "weird".
3. Carling Black Label - stay away from this lot. If they have never been to jail it's because our Safety and Security Ministry is so inefficient or they are out on bail. Thugs, gangsters, murderers, Pirates fans and wife-beaters. Will never own a better car than a 1992 Mazda with 17-inch rims.
4. Amstel - wannabe intellectual types who are label-conscious. On a Saturday afternoon the average Amstel drinker is typically dressed in a Bafana jersey, Diesel jeans and red £50 Nike sneakers. Typically drive a Golf V and own a Nokia 9300 phone.
5. Heineken - wannabe, pretentious types who fancy themselves to be unique and on the cutting edge. Truth be told, they hate the taste of Heineken but will be damned if they will have their first love, Boddingtons.
6. Own label Lager - read the Heineken description but add, "don't have the money to buy Heineken"
7. Miller - closet fags who only have Miller in public. Truth be told, they are really Brutal Fruit/Bacardi Breezer/Smirnoff Spin drinkers in private.
8. Savannah - alcoholics who are acutely aware of that "6% v/v" on the label.
9. Guinness - aggressive alcoholics who do not know what "6% v/v" means.
10. Miller Lite - serious alcoholics who have bought in into that "the one to have when you're having more than one". They are generally intelligent but argumentative types who secretly resent Milk Stout and Savannah drinkers because that is what they really want to drink. They tend to like quoting statistics, "you know that the calorie content in a regular beer is equivalent to 7 seven loaves of bread" they'll say as they down their 17th beer.
11. Port - reformed beer drinkers or rural types with big hands (from ploughing).
12. Bacardi Breezer/Brutal Fruit/ Hooch/Smirnoff Spin - one of two things, (a) fags or (b) newcomers to the drinking game.
13. Wine - fags.
14. J&B/Dewars - poor. Cannot tell the difference between whisky and brandy.
15. Jack Daniels/Johnny Walker Red and Black - like whisky but do not know the difference between bourbon and a Scotch. Drink whisky because they just like the taste
16. Jameson/Glenfiddick/Chivas/Dimple - serious whisky connoisseurs.
17. Smirnoff 1818 - check Carling Black Label description then add "rapists" to it.
18. Mellowood/ Richelieu/ Martell/ Klipdrift (and similar) - violent. Call every spirit "brandy", even Johnnie Walker. If less than 40 in age, poor. Chances are they will own a Kaizer Chiefs/ Pirates makalabha and a vuvuzela to go with it..
19. KWV 10/Klipdrift Premium (and similar) - actually like brandy.
20. KWV 5 - wannabe brandy connoisseur without the money.
You are defined by what you drink (Women):
1. Any beer - slut.
2. Milk Stout - prostitute.
3. Bacardi Breezer/Hooch - believe men owe them a living and do not really know that Hooch's go for £2 a pop at News Café because they have never actually bought it for themselves. At their own places you will find Brutal Fruit/Smirnoff Spin empties in their waste.
4. Brutal Fruit/Smirnoff Spin - cheap bargain hunters you will generally see in the front of the Edgars Red Hanger Sale.
5. Wine by the glass - pretentious bitches that think they have arrived because they drive a Peugeot 206/Renault Clio. They live in snazzy townhouse they can't afford and are probably at the pub looking for a dumb arsehole to subsidize their car instalments/ townhouse rent/overdraft repayments.
6. Wine by the bottle - (bottles of JC Le Roux, Cold Duck, Graca Rose or similar excluded.) Classy. Powerful. Know what they want and generally have a Beemer parked outside.
7. Amarilla Cream (and similar) - Horny. Like all the time.
8. Whisky (any whisky) - even hornier.
9. Brandy (any brandy) - horny civil servant types.
156-
BEER VS. VAGINA:
1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work. One point to BEER
2. Warm beer tastes awful. One point to VAGINA
3. A really cold beer is satisfying. One point to BEER
4. If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. One point to VAGINA
5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. One point to VAGINA
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any
pussy in public, you become a legend. One point to VAGINA
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer. One point to VAGINA
9. You normally don't find old beer. One point to BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen god. One point to VAGINA
11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun. One point to VAGINA
12. In most countries there's a tax on beer. One point to VAGINA
13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off One point to BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can. One point to BEER
15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually it settles down. One point to BEER
16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc. One point to BEER
17. You always know how much beer is going to cost One point to BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a mother One point to BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank it One point to BEER
FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8
That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER
PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or Discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of those Feelings, let alone express them, an extra point for BEER!
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How drunk are you? Official drinking test.
This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.
1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she:
(a) the most beautiful woman alive;
(b) a beautiful woman;
(c) attractive;
(d) ugly as sin.
2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it:
(a) the best job on the planet;
(b) a good job;
(c) a decent job;
(d) the most annoying job ever.
3. Try walking. What happened? Did you:
(a) find it impossible to stand up;
(b) fall after standing up;
(c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face;
(d) walk one thousand feet without falling.
4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in:
(a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo;
(b) a brand new car;
(c) a used car;
(d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 Japanese import.
5. What do you think of your strength? I am:
(a) invincible;
(b) stronger than anyone in the bar;
(c) as strong as the average man;
(d) a weak and pathetic being.
Question answer values
For every question answered with an A, add ten points. For every question answered with a B, add five points. For every question answered with a C, do not change the score. For every question answered with a D, subtract five points. For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.
Results
For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.
For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even think about standing up.
For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury.
For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.
For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.
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A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry,. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
"That's really odd," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."
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A guy's in the bar when an alien from outer space walks through the door and sits next to him.
The drunk thinks nothing of it, trying to maintain good inter- galactic peace, and all.
The alien orders himself a drink. When he's halfway through with the drink, he licks his green finger, and then sticks the finger in the drunk's ear.
The drunk's irritated, but again, in the interest of seeing there's no interstellar war, he says nothing.
The alien pulls his finger out, finishes his drink, and then orders another one. Once he reaches the half-way point in that drink, he again licks his finger, then puts that finger into the drunk's ear.
"Hey, Buddy, how 'bout let's lay off the ear pokin', what do you say?"
Well, as you know, halfway through the alien's third drink, the alien licks and sticks once again. The drunk has forgotten his peaceful ways and says, as forcibly as he can, "Look, asshole, if you do that again, I'm gonna rip your balls off!"
The alien orders one more drink. Stirs it for awhile . . . and, you guessed it, licks that green finger and again sticks it right in the drunk's ear.
"Dammit!!!" the drunk roars, and reaches between the alien's legs to carry out his threat. But there's "nothing there".
The drunk's a little confused. "Man, if you've got no balls, then how do you screw?"
Then the alien says: "What the hell do you think I've been doing all this time!?!"
160-
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"
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A lady walks into a bar and walks up to the first man she sees and asked, "I'll give you $500.00 if you can make my rhyme rhyme with yours..."
Well the guy thinks why not, how hard can it be? "Okay", he replied.
"If my pussy was out to sea how would you bring it back to me?" The lady waits for an answer. "Well you got me... Here..",says the old man in anger. So he gives her the $500.00.
She walks up to the next man and asked him, "I'll give you $500.00 dollars if you can make your rhyme rhyme with mine. Wanna try?"
He says "Sure little lady..."
"Okay... if my pussy was out to sea how would you bring it back to me?"
The guy thought about it and can not figure it out for anything... So he then gives her the $500.00. Well she goes to every man in the bar until she gets to the last man and asked "if my pussy was out to sea how would you bring it back to me?"
The guy looked at her and laughed and says, "If that shall ever come to pass I'll put my balls upon your ass, turn my dick into an oar, and paddle your pussy back to shore."
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A man making the Bar scene, was fairly intoxicated when he went into a popular night spot. The bartender refused to serve him and told him he should go home.
Man: My wife will kill me.
Bartender: Take her some candy.
Man: She is on a diet.
Bartender: Take her some flowers.
Man: She has allergies.
Bartender: Tell her a poem.
Man: She loves poems ... I don't know any.
Bartender: Here is one for you. The Bartender recited.
YOU BABYLONIAN WITCH .. BLUE EYES AND RUBY LIPS... BENEATH THINE EYES PASSION LIES AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY PASSION RISE. -"Shakespeare"
Man: I can handle that. So walking home the man was reciting to himself the poem. When he gets home he is unable to find his keys. So he knocks on the door.
Wife: You better not of been drinking.
Man: Sweetness, I have a poem for you!
Wife: It had better be good
The man starts to recite the poem...
YOU BABYLONIAN BITCH .. BLUE EYES AND PURPLE TITS. BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS A PUSSY LIES AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY PECKER RISE.
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"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but in New York City?"
164-
A fellow turned to a woman sitting beside him in a bar and said; "Drinking makes you look beautiful, darling."
She looked a little surprised and answered, "but I haven't had a drink yet."
He smiled and said, "no, but I have!"
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Q: Why is American beer served cold?
A: To distinguish it from piss
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The Five Stages of Male Drunkenness
Stage 1: Smart This is when he suddenly becomes an expert on every subject in the known universe. He knows he knows everything, and wants to pass his knowledge on to anyone who will listen. At this stage, he is *always* right. And, of course, the person he is talking to is very *wrong*. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are *smart*.
Stage 2: Good-Looking This is when he realizes that he is *the* best-looking man in the entire bar (and possibly on the entire planet), and that all women fancy him. He can approach a perfect stranger knowing she fancies him and really wants to talk to him. Bear in mind that he is still *smart*, so he can talk to her about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3: Rich This is when he suddenly becomes the richest person in the world. He can buy drinks for the entire bar because he has an
armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. He can also make bets at this stage, because of course he's still *smart*, so naturally, he will win all bets. It doesn't matter how much he bets, because he is *rich*. He will also buy drinks for every woman he fancies, because he is also now the best-looking man in the universe.
Stage 4: Invincible He is now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom he has been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt him. At this point, he can also approach the partners of the women he fancies, and challenge them to a battle of the wits or money. He can *especially* approach the partners of lesbians he fancies, because he *knows* he is just the man to turn the hot, sexy, inaccessible lesbian partner into a heterosexual. He has no fear of losing this battle, because he is *smart*, and *rich*, and, hell! he's better-looking than any of these losers!
Stage 5: Invisible This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point, he can do anything, because no one can see him. He dances on tables to impress the women he fancies, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see him. He is also invisible to the angry lesbian who wants to bash his skull in with a pool cue. He can walk through the street singing at the top of his lungs because no one can see or hear him, and because he is still *smart*, and
*rich*, and -- oh, hell, you know the rest.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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You Might Be A Drunk If
You wake up dressed as a woman and think, "hey, I look alright.!"
You walk into the house saying "Home Honey, I'm High"
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You wake up in the bedroom fully clothed, except for your underwear, which you
strangely find in the bathroom.
You go into any bar in town and they have a bar stool with you name engraved on the back.
You wake up in the middle of the night, pee in a beer bottle, and then the next morning wake up take a drink and exclaim, "This beer is stale!"
Every night, your roommate's cat gets more and more attractive.
You think beer is the elusive 6th food group.
Your only conversations with God are over a commode pleading "just help me stop puking and I'll NEVER drink again!"
You're as jober as a sudge.
You throw a rock at the ground and miss.
You can trip over a cordless phone.
You get out of bed and miss the floor.
You think that the floor always slants when you stand up.
You think that the way to pronounce your name actually involves a belch.
You think your dinner is made out of the bloody mary vegetables.
You wake up in the morning and can't figure out how you got home, and then realize that you are not at home.
Your slogan is "Save Water, Drink Beer".
The yellow couch you've been lying on turns out to be the curb.
People didn't know you drank till you sobered up once
You keep trying to order a bouble durban
You try to change a light bulb by holding onto it and letting the room spin
Doctors find traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
You have to grab onto your lawn to keep from falling off the world.
You have so much trouble aiming that you hit the other objects in the bathroom more than the toilet...especially the ceiling.
There is only one very large woman in the bar, and she just happens to be the woman of your dreams.
Your bed is flying through your bedroom and you have to wait for it to pass so you can jump in.
How come everyone out there is nodding their heads???
You bark at the cat.
You crash on the bed, get up three hours later--take a long walk to the "bathroom" and later suspect that the dog has relieved himself in your room.
You think the TV is a urinal.
You can take a group shower in mixed company without any regrets or incidents.
169-
Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head. "What's the matter?" inquired the bartender.
"While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribbling on the wall, and one that said: WENDY GIVES REALLY FABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST B.J. IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!" replied the customer.
"Ah buddy, I wouldn't give it a second thought, we get jerks in here like anywhere else," said the bartender.
"I know," continued the headshaker. "One of them has scratched out the phone number!"
170-
I’ve joined Alcoholics Anonymous
.........I still drink but I use another name.
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What her drink says about HER
Drink : Beer
Personality : Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella
Personality : Flaky, annoying, ditzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas
Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Drink : Barcardi Breezer - Hooch
Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated, Actually has absolutely no clue.
Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is. and you're in.
Drink : Shots
Personality : Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Approach : Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait...
Then there is the male drink analysis: The deal with guys is as always, very simple and clear cut:
Cheap Domestic Beer :
He's poor and wants to get laid.
Premium Local Beer :
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer :
He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid.
Wine :
He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
Whisky :
He doesn't give two shits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
Tequila :
Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something with a pulse.
Bacardi Breezer-Hooch :
He's gay.
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Bar Translations: What they really mean...
"No, really, I'm OK to drive." -- I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.
"I'm not used to these darts." -- I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.
"Let's go out to my car and get some cigarettes." (male to female) -- You would look great face down in my lap.
"You get this one, next round is on me." -- We won't be here long enough to get another round.
"I'll get this one, next one is on you." -- Happy hour is about to end.... now beers are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.
"I haven't seen you around here for a long time." -- You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??
"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" -- I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
"Let's get out of here." -- I just dumped half a jug of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.
"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) -- I'm easy.
"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) -- I'm gay.
"Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) -- I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) -- If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
"I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) -- You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
"I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) -- I'm horny.
"I've had like 10 beers already." -- I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.
"Who's got the next round?" -- I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
"Excuse me." (male to male) -- Get the fuck out of the way.
"Excuse me." (male to female) -- I am going to grope you now.
"Excuse me." (female to male) -- Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.
"Excuse Me." (female to female). -- Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that hot, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.
"I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning." -- I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season.
"What do you have on tap?" -- What's cheap?
"You go ahead, I'll catch a cab." -- I already lined up a ride home with your "ex".
"That person looks really familiar." -- Did I sleep with him/her?
"Can I just get a glass of water?" (female) -- I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.
"Can I just get a glass of water?" (male) -- It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking an hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.
"Do you have any Wild Turkey?" -- I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.
"I don't have my ID on me." (female) -- I'm 16
"I don't have my ID on me." (male) -- I don't have a licence since I got pulled over and blew a .32 after my last visit here.
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Prayer
Our Beer
Which art in bottles
Hallowed by thy spirit
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as in the Pub
Give as each day our daily beverage
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into poofy Wine Tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the Bitter
The Chicks and the Footie
Forever and Ever
Barman
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Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.
Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.
Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Tequila.................: Leave Shyness Behind!
175-
A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.
Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said,
"Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."
"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"
"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."
"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"
"Well, I really don't know ...."
"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."
"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."
"Well let's go inside and settle this"
"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."
"You're on!" said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"
The bartender sighed and said,
"Is that fucking nun out there again!"
176-
A girl and her boyfriend got to the local pub. When it's the girls turn to buy a round, she tells him that she has heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try. She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of baileys, the other lime juice. She hands him the glasses and says "ok, what you have to do is, you gotta swig the baileys, hold it in your mouth for a few seconds, and then drink the lime juice." He looks a bit dubious, but
she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go. First the baileys; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth. Then he takes the lime juice. 1 second: The cream in the baileys curdles 3 seconds: Boyfriends face turns the
colour of the lime juice 5 seconds: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge He turns to his girlfriend and asks what the drink is called to which she whispers in his ear, "Blowjob Revenge!"
177-
A Russian man walks into a supermarket:
-Gimme a bottle of vodka and a Coke.
He takes it and returns after 30 minutes:
-Gimme a bottle of vodka and a Coke.
He takes it and once again returns after 30 minutes:
-Gimme a bottle of vodka and a Coke.
After an hour:
-Gimme a bottle of vodka and... gimme a Sprite because that Coke is making me feel nauseous.
178-
A bartender is preparing to open for the night when he hears a knock at the door, he opens the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there.
She says, "I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?"
So he lets her in. "What`ll it be?"
"Twenty-five whiskys please. Just line 'em up."
He is shocked that she would want so much, but he fills them and he watches her down the lot one by one. She then collapsed on the floor.
The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he thinks and takes her upstairs. When he has had enough he goes back down to open up.
It's a really busy night and to boost business he sells the girl for a twenty bucks per go. Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune.
When he has closed up, he takes the girl and puts her outside the door where she first came from and he counts his profits.
The next night at the same time the doorbell rings again so he answers and the girl is back. He can`t believe his luck. Inviting her in he asks, "Twenty five whiskys again, Darlin'?"
"Oh no," she replies, "vodka please. Whisky makes my twat sore."
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Hangover Classifications
One Star Hangover (*): No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well; however, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**): No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the Papa burger and fries you had at the all night drive thru excursion at 3:00 AM. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***): Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by, you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching I Love Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a Diet Coke yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****): Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five poops you take during the day brings water to your eyes as well as the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****): You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka
vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. In fact, you are probably still drunk. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now!
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After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, He beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to your room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right
neighbourly, but where ah come from in Arkansas, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."
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It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet.
Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates. FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional "How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of the day's required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.
Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation. CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob. FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to
favourite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.
SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend.
182-
Murphy came home plastered for the third night in a row.
His wife dragged him to the window, pointing to the blazing lights of the big distillery in the distance.
"See how big it is?" she said. "They can always make it faster than you can drink it."
"Maybe so," said Murphy, "But I've got 'em working nights!"
183-
Dear Alcohol:
I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you. First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours... your many sides and dimensions are mind- boggling different from beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly. Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed -- the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even there around the holidays, with a touch of cinnamon, you warm us even when stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
Yet lately, I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, I want to believe that you've got my best interests in mind, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity occurs at 5 AM.
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, and though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat mashed potatoes with bbq sauce coupled by a veggie corn dog and some stale corn chips (washed down with cranberry juice and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a little too far.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary.
4. Spelling Bees:
Reference point 1 (Phone Calls) above, but even if calling 411 for Courtney Cox's number (in LA, I believe) IS a grand idea, the fact that you temporarily suspended my ability to spell her last name surely amused the operator. Surprisingly enough, she didn't seem to be listed.
5. Pictures:
This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are therefore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, bras.
6. Beer Goggles:
If I think I may know her from somewhere, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old "Hey, you're in my class" syndrome circa 1992 , and should heretofore be rendered illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's Make Out."
While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.
Further ... the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order, but the 2 pm Hangover Immobility (and the new-found-trend of morning booting) is completely unacceptable.
I ask that if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e., water, vitamin B, bread products, Advil) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen with a bag of pretzels, the hangover to be quite minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when we just don't know what to do with the extra dollars in our pockets. In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately.
I will look for an answer no later than Thursday at 5 pm (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters,
184-
The guy walked into the bar looking like he'd been run over by a truck. His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his clothes torn. His friends bought him a beer, then asked, "What happened?"
He said, "I was fighting for Joanne's virginity."
"No kidding?"
"Yeah. But that little honey was determined to keep it.
185-
A drunk that regularly annoyed the bartender at the local bar, was prohibited from entering the bar because he could never pay for any of his drinks and he always had a wise crack for the very annoyed bartender. Well, one Friday evening the drunk again tried his luck to enter the bar and score some free drinks but he was immediately thrown out by his old enemy the bartender. Sitting outside and trying to figure out how to get some free drinks, the drunk heard two other guys, whom was also in a state as it was pay-day, argue about the existence of Jesus Christ. He saw this as his opportunity to score some free drinks and he jumped out from his hiding place behind the dumpster and announced in a loud sluggish voice.. "I'm Jesusshh Chrisshst and here I am....!!!". Obviously the two guys was startled (as they were also really drunk by this time) but this was a solution to their argument and they proceeded to question the drunk... "How can you be Jesusssh Chisshhsst when he does not
exist.. Prove it..!!!" To which the drunk replied.. "If I could produssce one witnesshh, will you guys buy me a litre of whissshkey..??" "Of courssshe, if you can get one more witnessh.. then we'll know for sure that you're Jesusssh Chrisshst..!!!". So the drunk
said.. "Follow me..!!"..and they proceeded into the bar where the drunk was thrown out of earlier and banned for life. As soon as the bartender saw him, he shouted very
loudly.. "Jesus Christ..!!!! Are you back here again..!!!"
186-
The Irish Guinness shortage has been solved. From tomorrow, customers will be served with a lager and a pair of sunglasses.
187-
Hungover Signs
* You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
* Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
* Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
* You're convinced that the chirping birds are Satan's pets.
* You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
* You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a
foetal position.
* The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
* All day long your motto is, "Never again."
* You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
* Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
188-
Important Warning
WATER....... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli bacteria found in faeces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop! However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Poop
BEER = HEALTH
Free yourself of Poop, drink BEER!!! It is better to drink beer and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.
189-
Scenario: You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer: Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed.
190-
Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Kansas and one from Oklahoma went into a bar bragging about who was the
baddest of the three.
The Texan said watch this and yelled at the barmaid "Hey, barmaid. Bring me a pitcher of beer and get your ass over here".
When the barmaid got there the Texan guzzled down the whole pitcher, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off one of his fingers.
She was startled.
The cowboy from Kansas yelled out, "Hey, bitch bring me a beer with a shot of tequila and get your ass over here with it".
Upon the barmaid getting there he drank the beer and tequila down, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off two fingers.
The barmaid was terrified at this, especially after just witnessing the Texan.
The Oklahoma cowboy spoke out and told the barmaid "Honey, bring me a whole bottle of tequila and hurry".
Upon her arrival, he drank the entire bottle of tequila, unzipped his pants and slams his dick on the table.
The barmaid screamed "You aren't going to shoot that off are you?"
"Hell no, I want you to kiss it. It will go off by itself".
191-
Beer Trouble
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTON: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up the dosage.
SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.
SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.
SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made an ass of yourself.
192-
"Hey, bartender," says a customer, sitting at the bar. "What kind of bird is that sitting on the perch?"
"Oh," says Bob the bartender, "that's a Crunchy Bird!"
"I never heard of a Crunchy Bird," says the patron.
"Just watch," says Bob. He takes a newspaper off the bar and throws it down on the floor, then he turns to the bird and says, "Crunchy Bird, my paper!" The bird swoops down and attacks the newspaper. He rips it to shreds until there's nothing left but tiny pieces of confetti.
"Wow," says the customer, "can I try?"
"Be my guest," the bartender replies.
The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar and says, "Crunchy Bird, my shoe!" The bird flies down off the perch and picks the shoe up with his beak. He slams the shoe down on the bar and starts attacking it. In no time, the shoe is reduced to nothing but a few pieces of leather and a shoelace. Then the bird flies back to his perch behind the bar.
Suddenly a tough looking guy walks into the bar. He yells, "Gimme a drink NOW!"
He looks around the bar snarling and yells at the patrons, "What the Hell are you clowns looking at?" The bar is completely silent.
Then the bully notices the bird and says, "What the Hell kind of stupid looking bird is that?"
"That's a Crunchy Bird," says bartender Bob.
The tough guy laughs and yells, "Crunchy Bird, my ass!"
193-
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get." The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back.
"Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week."
He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me a world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.
"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."
194-
Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap
wine", said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "But the right name is important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
195-
A guy walks into a bar and orders three whisky sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender's having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned.
"Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?""
The guy answers, "I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door
neighbour, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream."
The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. "So you came home and found cream on the weight?"
The guy downs his fourth whisky sour and says, "It's worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter."
196-
BAR TRANSLATIONS
"YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)
"I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU." (Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)
"HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
"CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (FEMALE) (I'm easy.)
"CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (MALE) (I'm gay.)
"EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
"EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)
"I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE) (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
"I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE) (I'm horny.)
"WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
"EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE) (Get the hell out of the way.)
"EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE) (I am going to grope you now.)
"EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE) (Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)
"EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE) (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that pretty, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you,
bitch, like the slut you are.)
"WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?" (What's cheap?)
"CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (MALE) (I'm really gay.)
"CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (FEMALE) (I'm really easy.)
"THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR." (Did I sleep with him/her?)
"CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE) (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
"I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE) (I'm 16 .)
"I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE) (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew
positive after my last visit here.)
197-
A fellow is talking to his Irish buddy ad says, "I gotta stop drinking that Irish whiskey"
"How come?" asked his friend.
"Because every Saturday night I go out and drink a fifth of the stuff, come home, make mad passionate love to the wife, wake up Sunday morning, and go to church."
"What's wrong with that?" the Irishman asks. "A lot of good Irishman go out on Saturday night, drink a fifth of good Irish whiskey, come home, do the wife, and go to mass on Sunday."
"I know," said his friend, "but I'm Jewish."
198-
A man walks into a bar
and sets an octopus down on the floor. He bets all and sundry that the creature can lay any musical instrument
going. Naturally several people try to take the owner's cash with thins like a trumpet an accordion a saxophone etc, but they all lose. Finally a hairy arsed Scotsman throws down a set of bagpipes and declares that the octopus cannot play that. The octopus crawls over the pipes for some
time with no music issuing forth. The Scotsman said, "I told you so, pay up".
The octopus's owner said "Wait a little longer friend. When it discovers that it
can't fuck it it'll play it"
199-
Signs That You May Be Hung Over
You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to order the room you're in to "stay still."
Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a
foetal position.
The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
All day long your motto is, "Never again."
You could purchase a new television just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut the fuck up!"
200-
Hangover Ratings
1 star hangover
No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.
Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.
6 star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.
Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.
You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.
OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!
Thought so!!
201-
Two men walk into a bar. One sits at one end of the bar and the other at the opposite end. The bartender asks the first man what he wants.
I'll have a Frizzle. That's a beer with a splash of tonic, a splash of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, no lime."
Then the man at the other end of the bar orders.
"Make mine a Frizzle. It's a beer with just a bit of tonic, a bit of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, but no lime."
The astonished bartender makes the drinks. Then he asks the first man what he does for a living.
"I am a theoretical mathematician at the university."
Then he asks the other man what he does.
"Theoretical mathematician at the college."
"This is remarkable," says the bartender. "You both order a drink that I've never heard of. You have an identical profession and you both walk into my bar on the same day at the same time. What are the odds of something like that happening"?
Both men look up and answer in unison, "Twelve trillion, nine-hundred, and eighty-seven billion to one."
202-
"I think I'll have another drink. It makes you so witty and charming."
203-
A drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom lady a few seats down -- I'd estimate a 44DD bra. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor and moans, "Why do you let the bartender do it?"
"Because he has a liquor license! You don't!"
204-
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the
aluminium recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily, and recycle.
It's called the "401Keg Plan."
205-
A, C, E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!"
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development!"
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturale. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bass-less. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.
206-
A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?" The guy replies "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish." "Great, can I try it?" "Sure." The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie. The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" "Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door. "I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12"
Bic?"
207-
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" "Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.
"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -
"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"
208-
Tom leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed screwing his wife.
Later, back at the bar, Tom tells the bartender the story.
"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"
"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hi-tailed it back here. Shoot, they were just getting started, so I figure I got time for a couple more beers."
209-
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern furiously pounding shots of whisky. His friend happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles and then slurs, "Not anymore... He is!"
210-
Paddy's just moved into the city and visits his new local pub for the first time. He strides up to the bar and asks for three pints. The landlord hands over the drinks and watches the Irishman sit at a table and one by one drink them all. Nearly every day for a few months the landlord eventually asks Paddy why he doesn't just order a pint at a time, that way it'll still be cold.
"Well," Says Paddy, "I've got two brothers and as we can't drink together we always order for three and drink it all on our own." The landlord agrees that this is a nice little tradition and gets to know Paddy over the coming months.
One day Paddy comes in with a look of death on his face and orders just two pints. The landlord, feeling inadequate and sad for his friend, gives Paddy his condolences and asks which of his brothers had died.
"What'cha talkin about?" Says Paddy, "I've just quit drinking."
211-
The two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally ran out. "I have an idea," mumbled Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow shum money from my wife." The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, and, lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man. This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to affect the husband. "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever- lovin' hushban?" he asked. "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantel and, for Pete's sake, turn off those lights." Outside, they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good eh, old buddy?" "But, Al," protested his friend somewhat sobered by the spectacle he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?" "The hell with him," replied Al, "let him buy his own pint."
212-
A squirrel walks in to a bar. He asks the barman
"Have you got any nuts?"
"No" replies the barman.
"I've recently recovered from testicular cancer"
213-
A man walked into the bar. As he waited for his drink, he noticed a gorgeous young Indian girl sipping a soft drink at the other end of the bar. He told the bartender to give her a real drink. The bartender replied, "I can't. The C.P. would be on my ass."
"What's the C.P.?"
"City Police."
The man finished his drink and ordered another. Again, he asked the bartender to give the Indian girl a real drink, but this time the bartender said, "I can't. The S.P. would shut me down."
"What's the S.P.?"
"State Police."
Just then the Indian girl got up an walked out of the bar. The man hurried out after her. An hour later, he staggered back into the bar, his clothes covered with blood, his nose broken.
"The F.B.I. got me!" the man moaned.
"What do you mean the F.B.I?" the bartender asked.
"A Fucking Big Indian!"
214-
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1
litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in
faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
215-
A priest, a paedophile and a homosexual walk into a bar...
He orders a drink.
216-
In a nearly empty London bar on a filthy winter's day, there were several patrons quietly drinking when in comes your stereotypical American visitor, obviously unimpressed by the country, its weather and everything else about it.
He says loudly, "What a lousy country. The bars are shut half the time, it's cold, wet and windy, the beer tastes like piss and is served at the same temperature, the streets are packed and you can't even get a cab."
Several people quietly leave.
He looks at a gentleman quietly sipping a pink gin and says, "Hey, limey: how can you bear to live in such a miserable place?"
He is ignored, more people leave. After much more of this only the gentleman with the pink gin, the barman and the American are left.
He says, "Hey, limey, I'm talking to you. I've been to damn near every country in the world and this is the lousiest. I dunno how you can bear to live here. This country is just the arsehole of the world."
The gentleman with the pink gin pauses, takes another sip and, turning, delicately enquires of the American, "Oh, yes. Just passing through, are you?"
217-
A man goes into a pub and points at a beer tap.
"Do you want a pint?" asks the barman. The man nods and the barman notices that he has a huge scar across his throat.
"Where did you get that?" asks the barman.
The man manages to croak, "Falklands".
"Blimey," says the barman. "Well, have this one on the house, mate. You boys did a great job over there."
The man croaks, "muchas gracias."
218-
Bloke walks into a bar with an elephant. "This elephant will do anything," he announces proudly.
"All right," says the barman. "Make it stand on one leg."
So the bloke lifts the elephant's ear up and whispers something to the elephant. Moments later the great grey beast lifts itself up onto its hind legs then carefully balances itself up on one leg. The crowd in the bar go wild with enthusiastic cheering.
"Very clever," says the barman. "Now let's see it fuck my cat." And so saying, he plonks the genial bar cat onto the bar.
The bloke with the elephant thinks a moment then takes the cat and places it on the floor in front of the elephant (who is still poised Bolshoi like on one leg). He gets up on tip toe and whispers something in the elephant's ear. As silence descends on the drinkers in the bar, the man steps back and the elephant teeters over and comes crashing down, splattering Tiddles across the floor.
"There you go," says the bloke. "That's fucked it."
219-
A pissed up rich guy walks in to a Irish bar slams down 100 pound and says: ''If any man in here can down 10 pints of Guinness they can have this cash!" Nobody said a word... one man even got up and walked out......5 minutes pass and the guy who walked out, walks back in and says ''Yeah, I'll do it''
The barman lines up 10 pints of Guinness, and the young Irish man proceeds to down one after the other no problem, he slams down the last empty glass, grabs the cash and starts to walk off.
The rich man cant believe it and shouts to the Irish man ''You agreed to the bet after you walked out, where did you go?''
The Irish man said ''I had to go down the pub on the corner to see if I could do it first!''
220-
A man dressed in painters overalls walks into a hardware store and asks for a bottle of white spirit. The proprietor looks at him. "No. You're that alcoholic bum who used to always hang around the village green - you'll just drink this." The man is shocked: - "Oh no, you are mistaken - I used to be that man, but I have a home now, have started up my own painting and decorating business, have given up drinking, and cleaned up my life entirely. I need the white spirit to clean my brushes, or they'll be ruined. Why is is that you nobody can recognise me for the person I want to be, rather than the person I used to be?" The hardware proprietor pauses to think. "You're right, I'm sorry for judging you based on your past. Would you like a litre?"
"Thank you! Yes, a litre bottle. Do you have a cold one?"
221-
A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:
"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"
"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."
The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.
"Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"
"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!"
Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.
Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.
"What's this," says the drunk.
"That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender.
The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced.
"Bartender," he says. "Gimme a martini!"
"No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go home."
Again the drunk notices the darts.
"If I can throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks.
The bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of him."
"Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over.
Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes.
"Holy cow," says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it.
"What's this?" asks the drunk.
"That's a prize for being such a good shot."
"Oh," says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar.
"Gimme a martini!" he demands.
"No, no," says the bartender. "You've been overserved already. Get on home."
Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says: "Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm not overserved?"
The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull's eyes.
"OK," he says, forking over the three darts.
The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.
Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's eye!
"Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail.
"What's this?" asks the drunk.
"That's a special prize for being so good at darts," says the bartender.
"Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"
222-
A drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom lady a few seats down -- I'd estimate a 44DD bra. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor and moans, "Why do you let the bartender do it?"
"Because he has a liquor license! You don't!"
223-
TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS
You're at a bar with a friend.... let's call him George.
1. Explain to George that the two of you are going to share a beer. But he'll have to front you the money for it, but there will be enough beer for the both of you if he'll only help stimulate the economy a little!
2. Purchase said beer, making sure to get a glass, and drink it. At some point, George is bound to wonder where his portion of the beer is, since after all he paid for it. Should he ask you, remind him that he must be patient and wait for market forces to go to work. If he asks you more than once, wag your finger and accuse him of making class war, and remind him about the market forces again.
3. At some point you'll have to excuse yourself for obvious reasons. Make sure to take your glass with you. George will want to know why, and he may be more than a little annoyed by now. Chalk it up to market forces, of course.
4. This part should be pretty obvious. Why else would you need the glass?
5. When you return, make a big thing of presenting George with the glass. When he asks what in the hell this is supposed to be, as well he should, let him know that the market has spoken, creating a whole 'nother beer (assuming the glass is full). Thanks to the market's power of beer creation, you both got a FULL beer instead of half a beer!
6. George may get suspicious and speculate that perhaps you've just stolen his money and whizzed in his glass.... stinkin' socialist!
224-
How drunk are you? Official drinking test.
This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.
1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she:
(a) the most beautiful woman alive;
(b) a beautiful woman;
(c) attractive;
(d) ugly as sin.
2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it:
(a) the best job on the planet;
(b) a good job;
(c) a decent job;
(d) the most annoying job ever.
3. Try walking. What happened? Did you:
(a) find it impossible to stand up;
(b) fall after standing up;
(c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face;
(d) walk one thousand feet without falling.
4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in:
(a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo;
(b) a brand new car;
(c) a used car;
(d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 Japanese import.
5. What do you think of your strength? I am:
(a) invincible;
(b) stronger than anyone in the bar;
(c) as strong as the average man;
(d) a weak and pathetic being.
Question answer values
For every question answered with an A, add ten points. For every question answered with a B, add five points. For every question answered with a C, do not change the score. For every question answered with a D, subtract five points. For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.
Results
For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.
For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even think about standing up.
For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury.
For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.
For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.
225-
He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . . "
"Stop -- I *don't* permit talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope ... "
"No religion talk, either," the bartender cut in.
One more try to break the boredom..." I thought the Yankees would..."
"No sports talk... That's how fights start in bars." the barman said.
"Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?"
"Sure."
"Good. Go fuck yourself."
226-
The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?" "Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am -- a fucking stunt driver?"
227-
A drunk bloke is walking about when he spots a man under is car.
'What's up pal?'
The bloke replies, 'Piston Broke'
The drunk says, 'Me too'
228-
It was happy hour in the bar, and the air hung heavy in thick blue folds as the regular bunch lit up some "happy weed."
Suddenly, a loud voice boomed from the entrance and demanded that they open the door in the name of legality.
The smokers frantically gathered their still-smoking weeds and stuffed them inside the cuckoo clock.
The police entered, searched diligently, found nothing and left.
The group breathed a sigh of relief, and made for the cuckoo clock to retrieve their stash.
Just then, the clock's hands announced 6 pm. The little door popped open, the bird poked his head out and said, "Heyyyy duuuudes! What the fuck time is it?"
229-
A man bought a country pub. On his first day, he went to open the doors for the lunchtime session.
Waiting on the doorstep were two elderly men - obviously locals. They both touched their caps, and said, "Mornin' ", and followed the new owner inside.
"Two halves of mild, please," said one of the men. "With pleasure," replied their new landlord.
"Where's the snuff?" asked the other man, whilst looking on the bar.
"Snuff?" responded the landlord.
"The last landlord used to leave snuff on the bar - in a big red saucer - for us pensioners," the man said, "and you'll find that we're important to your business. We don't buy a lot, but we're here every lunchtime and evenin', 365 days a year!"
"Well," replied the landlord, "I didn't know about this - it's my first day - but I'm happy to provide snuff for you, as the last landlord did. There'll be some on the bar this evening."
When the landlord closed the pub at 3:30, he had so much to do before the evening opening at 5:30, that he forgot all about his promise.
At 5:00, as he was getting ready for the evening opening, he glanced through one of the windows, and saw one of the men talking to another elderly man, obviously waiting for the doors to open.
"Oh no," the landlord thought. "I forgot the snuff!" He looked in the back of the pub, and found the big, red saucer, which he placed on the bar. He then went looking in all the cupboards for a tin of snuff, but to no avail. He remembered that, in the back yard, was a small brick extension full of bric-a-brac, so he went to look in it. No luck!
On his way back across the yard, he espied an old, crumbling, dried-up piece of dogshit which, when he tried to kick it against the wall, collaped into dust. A sudden idea entered his head. He went into the pub, collected the red saucer and a piece of kitchen-roll, then returned to the yard, where he picked up the remains with the piece of kitchen-roll, then finely crumbled it into the saucer. He then re-entered the pub, and again placed the red saucer on the bar. He then washed his hands, and went to open the doors.
The first man entered, saw the 'snuff', and helped himself to a large portion, and sniffed. "Can you smell dog shit?" he asked the landlord. The landlord mumbled a negative response. The second man, who had been hanging up his coat, wandered over, and also used the snuff. "There's a smell of dog shit around here!" he exclaimed. The landlord again mumbled that he couldn't smell anything
Just then, a third elderly man entered. "Jack," the first man called, "Come over here." The man ambled over. "Can you smell dog shit?" the first man asked him, "Because I can," he continued, "and Bill can, but the landlord can't."
Jack sniffed deeply, twice. "Can't smell a thing," he said, "But wait a minute." He then took two big pinches of snuff - one in each nostril, and sniffed again. "Ah, I can smell it now," he exclaimed. "It's good snuff - it really clears your nose!"
230-
This American bloke goes into a pub in Northern England. He gets himself a pint and then he challenges anybody to a game of pool and he beats everyone.
The barman says, "you're good, but Smiffy will have you."
Then he challenges anybody to a game of darts and he beats everybody at that as well.
The barman says, "you're very good, but Smiffy will have you."
Poker is the next challenge, and once again he beats every person he plays.
The barman says, "you're fucking good, but Smiffy will have you."
With this, the American chap says, "who the fuck is Smiffy?"
The barman points to a little elderly man wearing a flat cap, sitting at a table in the corner of the pub.
He walks over to the table and the old guy stands up, then flicks a beer mat up in the air, drinks a pint of lager, lights a fag, pulls his trousers down and catches the beer mat right in the crack of his arse and says, "can you do that?"
The American flicks the beer mat up in air, drinks a pint of lager, lights a fag, pulls his trousers down........and Smiffy fuckin' had
him.
231-
They say alcoholism is an illness.
So why can't we call in drunk to work ?
232-
Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm. One drunk says to the other drunk, "Did you sleep with my wife last night?" To which the other drunk replies, "Not a wink."
233-
Quasimodo walks into a bar, strolls straight up to the barman and says "I'll have a
whisky please."
The barman says "Bells alright?"
Quasi replies "Mind your own fucking business."
234-
Tell me, Patrick, how did you manage to get so very drunk last night?" asked the parish priest.
"Well you see, Father, it was like this," said Patrick. "I got into very bad company after winning a bottle of whiskey at a raffle."
"But you were with Mick Mulligan, Sean O'Toole and Peter Ryan, and they don't drink."
"That's what I mean, Father...."
235-
My Dad used to collect empty beer bottles; which is a nicer way to say he was an alcoholic.
236-
This guy went into a bar, sat down on a stool, and ordered a Bloody Mary. The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't have that, but we've got the next best thing."
The guy asked, "Okay, what is it," and the bartender said, "We've got a Harry Man." The guy said, "No thanks."
Then the guy asked, "How about a virgin?" and the bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't have that either. But we got the next best thing."
The guy asked, irritated, "Okay, what is it?" The bartender replied, "We got a Furry Belly."
The guy looked around and saw everyone drinking and said, "All right, fine, I'll have one."
So the guy had about five, and when he was finished the bartender walked over to him and told him how much he had to pay. He reaches deep down inside his pocket and pulls out a couple handfuls of food stamps. The bartender looked at the food stamps and said, "Hey, this isn't money!"
And the guy says, "I know, but it's the next best thing."
237-
The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on - 5'9'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.
She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. "So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before."
"Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good."
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
"How do you feel now," she purred.
"Okay," I replied.
Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"
Unbelievably I heard myself saying, "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards,
flipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds until full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and..."
"Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, and pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!!
She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass... have you ever felt such a cunt?"
"I certainly have," I answered, "I missed the kick!".
238-
One night, the waitress in a bar was a bit unsettled that a strange looking man who sat quietly drinking at the bar always seemed to be looking at her intently. Finally, he got up enough nerve to speak to her.
"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I do hope you don't mind my looking at you."
She told him she would rather he didn't look so hard and that she didn't consider herself that special.
"Well, you see I am from a far away planet, sent here to observe some things here and I have to go back tonight. So you see, I really haven't seen anyone like you before. Please just let me look."
So she said ok, although she thought he was a little nuts. He did mind his manners, didn't get drunk, and just sat quietly looking.
When it was time to close the bar, he prepared to leave, then walked back to the waitress.
"I know this is strange, but would you please let me see your tits? I've never seen anything like this and it would mean so very much to me if I could go home and tell the guys all about you."
Since everyone but the owner had left and he was in the back room, she finally gave in and unbuttoned her blouse and pulled her tits out of her bra.
"Oh my goodness, that is wonderful! Thank you! Thank you! You don't know how much this means to me!" When she started to gather her clothes around her again, he asked shyly, "Please, please, let me just touch your tits. It would mean so much to me to be able to tell all the guys about how wonderful you are."
After a little consideration, she allowed him to touch. He was very gentle and she was beginning to get stirred up by this alien. Then he asked her if she would allow him to make love to her.
Since she was beginning to fancy that notion, she agreed right away. To her surprise, however, he placed his right forefinger in the middle of her forehead quite firmly. As he did so, she could see the passion on his face and he called out,
"Aah, ahh, aaaahhhhh."
Then he took his finger from her forehead. Astonished, she asked him if he'd like to do it again.
Looking at his curled up forefinger, he replied, "Yes, but I'll have to wait a little while."
239-
A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he's sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Thinking the other man's drink may be a specialty of the house, he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too."
The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink and the customer takes a big drink.
"Hey," he says. "This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water. Right, Lou?"
240-
A handful of 7 YR. OLD CHILDREN were asked 'What they thought of beer.'
Some interesting responses:
"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my Mom gets."
--Tim, 7 years old
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
--Mellanie, 7 years old
"My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny."
--Grady, 7 years old
''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old
"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old
"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool
--Lilly, 7 years old
"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting."
--Ethan, 7 years old
"I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old
"My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense."
--Jack, 7 years old
241-
I stayed in a hotel the other night and was just lying on the bed rooting through the side table draws when I found a bible. I opened the first page and this little note fell out.
It read: "My son, if you are troubled by the demons of alcohol and seek help in your dire hour of need, you can always call on me for your aid and I will be there to ease your pain and anguish. Don't be afraid to pick up the phone and call me and I will gladly listen to your temptations and be as supportive as possible."
Close to tears, I picked up the phone and the guy answered, "Hello, Bob's off license!"
242-
I read today that Lily Allen has had her drink spiked in the past few days. She told a newspaper "I had a few drinks and then I can't remember what happened after that."
Fuck about! Someone's been spiking my drink every Saturday night for the past 2 years!
243-
Truman Capote was drinking one evening with friends in a Key West bar. At a nearby table sat an inebriated couple. When the woman recognized Capote, she approached him and asked for an autograph. The woman's husband, in a display of drunken jealousy, staggered over to Capote's table, unzipped his trousers, and in Capote's own words, "hauled out his equipment." As the man did this, he bellowed, "Since you're autographing things, why don't you autograph this?" A hush fell over
the room, allowing everybody in the bar to hear Capote's soft, high pitched voice reply, "I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it."
244-
I walked into a pub the other day and ordered a double.
The barman brought out a bloke who looked just like me
245-
Shamefully I have to
admit, it only takes me one drink to get drunk.
The trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
246-
Club Patrons
CAPTAIN WORKOUT This guy spends all week in the gym and needs little or no reason to wear his skin tight shirt you can see his heart beating and parade's around the club like Mr. Universe.
SHAMALEKA SPANDEX You know her . . . 300 lbs. size 48, buys a size 6 red and yellow Spandex outfit. To the horror of others, she wears it to the club.
JOHNNY ONEDRINK Takes three hours to finish one drink, then tries to fool everyone for another hour with a glass full of ice water & a straw. Has $3.50 in his pocket and a token.
THE O. G.'s Stands for "Old Guys". These guys just can't get over the fact that they are TOO OLD to be at the club. Their clubbing days are so far behind them their kids can legally buy alcohol. They try to be down with the younger generation by wearing gold fronts and try to speak slang using phrases like "What's up money!" and "That's fresh!"
THE OOOH GIRL She's that girl that's basically doing the two step dance, until her song comes on and she screams to her girl friends, "OOOH GIRL, THAT'S MY SONG!!!" From this point on it's shake what your mamma gave ya and she will dance with what ever is in front of her, guy, girl, bar, wall, speakers, etc.
WASTE OF TIME WILLY This is the one that buys a new outfit for the club; travels miles from home, at night to the club; pays $15.00 to get in the club; and when he's finally in the club he just stands against the wall sipping on a cup of Pepsi fronting like it's rum-n-coke.
BILLBOARD BILLY Stepped out of the latest rap video, he feels the need to let everyone in the club know what name brand designer clothing he's wearing, down to his socks because he must have that one pant leg up. It may be pitch black in the club, but he's got $300 Versace sunglasses on. He's also the one making a call from the noisy dance floor on his cell phone, with a bottle of MOET (with the label facing outward so everyone can
see) in his other hand...
TAKIANNA & LAQUITA The female equivalent of Siskel & Ebert, but they don't review movies. They notice everything from head to toe... Also known for staring people down for long periods of time! Those are fake!" "Assa Grande!!" His baby mamma must dress him."
THE 1st AND 15th POSSE We only see them in the club around these dates...
TOUCHY FEELY TYRONE He's the guy that loves to walk all over the club when it's crowded squeezing through girls and getting his free feels.
ROBIN LEECH Not the TV host. She has no money, but somehow gets some sucker to buy her drinks all night---usually BILLBOARD BILLY (see above for details).
LOCKDOWN LEROY Has been in and out of jail so many times, he has no clue as to what is in or out of style. He shows up in a "Malcolm X" cap, gold fronts, an "Eight Ball" leather jacket and a silk polka dot shirt....
SHAHEENA STROBELITE & CO. They look good in the club, but outside..... AHHH DAMN!! And I bought you, a drink!
247-
Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.
"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?"
Everyone is shocked. "I heard about this kind of thing happening!" Bills says. "What did the alien do to you?"
"I don't remember all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being anally probed by the alien."
Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"
Ted responds, "Carl."
248-
Wandered into my local pub last night to find the place somewhat deserted.
No customers, no staff, just a button on the bar that said, "Press For Service".
So I did, and I got hit in the face with a tennis ball.
249-
I went to the pub last night and the bartender asked me what I wanted.
So I said, "Surprise me!"
He showed me a naked picture of my daughter
250-
f(x) walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry we don't cater for functions".
251-
I was in the pub with my mate last night. He came swaggering over with a fat bird on each arm.
"They're like buses," I said.
"Why?" he asked. "Because you wait for ages and then two come at once?"
"No," I said. "They're like buses."
252-
Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the missus.
"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't waken the
neighbours."
"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs" he shouted.
"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted down
"I can't" he said "I've drank it!"
253-
A guy walks into a pub and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"
"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it one of those European beers?"
"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."
254-
A Roman Centurion walks into a bar.
"What can I get you?" says the barman
"I'd like a Martinum please."
"Do you mean a Martini?"
"If I want a fucking double I'll ask."
255-
A drunk and a guy with squint eyes bumped into each other in the street and both fell.
The one with the squint shouted; ‘Why don’t you look where’re you going!’
The drunk one said; ‘Why don’t you go where’re you looking?’
256-
There are better things in life than alcohol, but at least alcohol makes up for not having them.
257-
A drunk comes home, stumbles into the kitchen and prepares himself a cup of tea. He then proceeds to carry it to the bedroom.
As he lies down next to his wife, holding the tea cup he slurs: "Do lemons have little yellow feet?"
The wife looks at him: "No!"
"Damn!" he says, "then I squeezed the canary into my tea."
258-
I have decided to produce and sell a strong alcoholic drink called "Responsibly".
That way everyone in the country can get shit faced drinking responsibly.
And all the other drinks makers will be advertising for me on their cans with the slogan "please drink responsibly".
Probably will piss off the government as well.
259-
An alcoholic walks into a hardware shop and asks to buy a bottle of meths. The shopkeeper says "I'm not selling you that, I've seen you sitting down the park and I know you're an alkie. You'll just drink it."
The bloke says "No, I've just started my own decorating business and I need it for my work. People won't let me forget I used to be a drunk. I've turned my life around, but I'll always be seen as that drunkard, no matter how hard I work"
The shopkeeper says "I'm so sorry. Alright, here's your bottle of meths."
The bloke says "you haven't got a cold one, have you?"
260-
When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde
bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one
drink." "Why is that," the host asked? Her reply... "Because after one drink I
can feel it; after two drinks ... anyone can!"
261-
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around
that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon
until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who
could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had
tried over time, (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and
squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little
man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist
around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the
bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the
IRS."
262-
A squaddie comes back from Afghanistan on leave and goes into his local for a
few pints.
The local mosque has organised an anti-war demo of 100 Muslims that walks past
the pub chanting, "Troops Out," "Murderers," etc.
He walks out, whips out his sheath knife and, in a blur, kicks fuck out of all
100 of them in about twelve seconds. He finishes up by lopping off the head
Immam's ear before strolling back into the pub and ordering another pint and a
pork pie.
He opens the pork pie, flips the ear into it and eats it with one bite.
The barman, obviously impressed, says, "Special forces right?"
"Nah," he replies. "Pioneer corp."
263-
One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he used to work
when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came in and sat next to him. She
told him she had just had a fight with her husband, a police officer, and needed
to get out of the house for a while.
They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned over to John.
"Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about six-five just walked in. And
he's got a gun."
Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he said, "kiss me on the
lips."
264-
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then think again, neither does milk.
265-
A guy 4'6" tall walks
into a bar and orders a drink then stands up and yells across the bar "Who is
the baddest man in here?"
This guy 6'4" stands up and says "I am."
Well, the little guy goes over and whips the shit out of the big man and leaves.
Next day same thing little man orders a drink and proceeds to whip the shit out
of the baddest man in the bar and then leaves. This goes on for 2 weeks
straight. Finally the bartender decides to do something so he buys a mean
man-eating gorilla.
Next day the little man comes in orders a drink says
"Who's the baddest man here?"
Bartender says "he's in the bathroom!"
After 10 minutes of screaming and yelling the little guy comes out of the
bathroom and tells the bartender "When the guy in the bathroom wakes up tell him
his fur coat is in the trash can"
266-
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which
the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for
this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the
bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which
constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of
remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a
drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are
you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my
life!"
The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a
double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
267-
Nancy kind of liked Bob, the bartender down at the shore and was flirting with
him for a couple of days. She ordered a drink and was going to pay for it, and
she said jokingly, "This money is all wet, is it still good?"
Bob said, "I don't know, would you be good if you were wet?"
268-
Drink disagrees with
me - but I enjoy the argument.
269-
Good news:
Wine does not make you FAT .........................
It makes you LEAN .... Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
270-
I went to a dinner party last night, where I, and other guests, imbibed
significant amounts of Chardonnay, Pino Grigio and Port.
I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like
symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc.
From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive
for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.
This debilitating condition is very serious- and it appears that mine is not an
isolated case. Reports are flooding in from all around the neighbourhood of
others diagnosed with Wine Flu.
To anyone who starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are
recommending a ‘cup of tea’ and ‘a bit of a lie down’.
However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately ‘hire a DVD’ and
take some ‘Ibuprofen’ which seems to be the only drug available that has been
proven to help combat this unusual type of flu.
Others are reporting a ‘McDonald's Happy Meal’ can also help in some cases and
Doctors have been recommending a ‘proper fry-up’ to help with the symptoms.
Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be
eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.
If not, then further application of the original liquid in similar quantities to
the original dose has been shown to do the trick!
271-
This guy went into a bar, sat down on a stool, and ordered a Bloody Mary. The
bartender said, "Sorry, we don't have that, but we've got the next best thing."
The guy asked, "Okay, what is it," and the bartender said, "We've got a Harry
Man." The guy said, "No thanks."
Then the guy asked, "How about a virgin?" and the bartender replied, "Sorry, we
don't have that either. But we got the next best thing."
The guy asked, irritated, "Okay, what is it?" The bartender replied, "We got a
Furry Belly."
The guy looked around and saw everyone drinking and said, "All right, fine, I'll
have one."
So the guy had about five, and when he was finished the bartender walked over to
him and told him how much he had to pay. He reaches deep down inside his pocket
and pulls out a couple handfuls of food stamps. The bartender looked at the food
stamps and said, "Hey, this isn't money!"
And the guy says, "I know, but it's the next best thing."
272-
A guy goes into a cocktail bar and says "I'd like a single entendre please.
No, on second thoughts, make it a double".
The barman says "Oooh, a large one sir"
273-
It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people
(mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of
the morning.
The reason for this odd behaviour is based on Einstein's famous Relativity
Theory. It works like this: it is a well known fact that the more you drink, the
faster you move. After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc), you're
moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the
picture. According to his Relativity Theory, any body moving at, or close to the
speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i. e. time for you in the pub passes
slower than for an observer outside the pub.
Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time
machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours
pass outside the pub. A typical situation is: "OK guys, it's 8 o'clock, I'm
gonna surprise the family and get home early!!" However, the moment this person
steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation
from the environment, and he/she then goes:
"WTF??!!?? - why is it so quiet?? Holy sh! t!!! It's half past one!! WHAT
HAPPENED???!!??" .and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!
I've tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except
fellow time travellers) has been able or willing to understand the sound
scientific basis of this phenomenon.
Please forward this to all your known time travellers - maybe we can prove this
theory by sheer, overwhelming force of numbers.
274-
Wine does not make you FAT
it makes you LEAN...
....against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
275-
A bloke walks into a pub with a pie on his head and goes up to the bar and
asks the bartender.
"Can I have a pint please mate?"
The bartender replies, "Yeah sure, but why have you got a pie on your head?"
The bloke replies, "It's Tuesday, I always wear a pie on my head on Tuesday."
The bartender looks confused, "But it's Thursday?"
"Ahh I must look like a right twat then!"
276-
I was sitting in the pub the other day.
This nice looking bird walks up, takes a look at my beer belly and asks, "Is
that Carlsberg or Tetleys?"
I told her, "There is a tap underneath, help yourself."
277-
My mate told me he could make vodka out of cow faeces.
I think that's Absolut Bullshit.
278-
A drunk man hails a taxi and asks, “Hey cabby, take me to the Hilton.”
“You’re right in front of it,” says the cabby.
“Thanks mate,” says the drunk, “And next time don’t drive so bloody fast.”
279-
Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor
over and asked him to settle an argument. "Are there two pints in a quart or
four?" asked one.
"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor. They moved back along
the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows
called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, "You did say two
pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
280-
"Both my parents were teetotal as both of my granddads were alcoholics and they
didn't want to put us through what they went through. And I think that's
admirable. But I read an article on alcoholism and apparently it skips a
generation, so I drink so my children don't have to."
281-
Just read the Daily Mail that said: four pints in a single sitting counts as a
'Binge'.
By my calculations, this means that a 'Binge' is half of a 'Session' and one
third of 'Lash' and one fifth of a 'Bender'.
282-
A drunk gets on a bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his
pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to
the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus
stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus. Still
the drunk man is fumbling in his pocket for change. The bus jerks forward once
again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus once again.
Next stop, the same thing happens. In fact, every time the bus stops, the man
would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers
uncontrollably to the back. A few stops later, the drunk starts to exit the bus
from the front. "Hey," shouts the bus driver.... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"
The drunk, still reeling, shouts back, "Why should I?!. . . I walked all the
way!"
283-
Beer Scooters
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking
and thought 'How did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together
your return journey from the bar to your home.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter. The beer scooter is a
mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to drunks (without their
knowledge) by Bacchus, the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the
decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these
magical devices.
The beer scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the 'slurring gland'
begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors
detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a
trans-dimensional portal. It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a
large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This
generates the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'
Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for
90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented feature of the
beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of
trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted
for. This generates the third question after a night out 'What happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (Embarrassing Moments In Time)
add on, that automatically removes in descending order, those parts in time
regretted most. Unfortunately one person's EMIT is not necessarily the EMIT of
another and quite often lost time is regained over a suitable period.
Independent studies have also shown that beer goggles cause the scooter's
navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom
often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus
made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten
kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!
For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other
people's garden and Thump-A-Lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way
that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to wake up your other half.
Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS
(Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the ring marked shins.
Most useful of all is the on-board heater which allows you to get home from the
bar in sub-zero temperatures wearing just a T-shirt. The final add-on Bacchus
saw fit to invest in for some scooters is TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This
explains how one person can apparently get through 60 Marlboro Lights in a
single night.
284-
I put a couple of 't's in my beer last night.
I think it made it better.
285-
Recent mention of beer scooters impels me to share one of the best-kept secrets
of the British Government. Your Government – if you’re British – has presided
over the investment (their term) of increasing sums of money into a
world-beating, state-of-the-art, Alcoholic Conveyance Standards Agency, or ACSA.
A precursor to this came into being, when the former Alcoholic Transports
Inspectorate – ATI – was re-organised from a County-based service to one based
on the European Regions into which the United Kingdom – or EZ17 [Euro Zone 17],
as we are known to Brussels – is divided. The ATI itself evolved from the
informal Beer Scooter Watch – the BSW.
Founded in early 1993, in the dark days of ejection from the ERM - which founded
a decade of prosperity, now ruined by a melancholic Scottish control-freak - by
John Major’s government, the BSW provided a cheap and cheerful way of making
sure that the worst excesses of Beer Scooter boosterism were highlighted,
publicised and – on the whole – rectified, or avoided. In November 1996, BSW had
a full-time staff of six, with about seventy other – county-based – staff
available as necessary. The latter averaged less than eighty hours a year on BSW
work, otherwise being employed by county (or district) councils in roles like
Trading Standards, Highways, and even Substance and Liquid Abuse Monitoring.
In 1997, in one of his famous back-of-the envelope reshuffles, the then-new
Prime Minister Tony Blair, merged the BSW with English Supernature. The
organisation never achieved a new name, formally – although both the Civil
Servants – according to unpublished memoirs - involved knew it, informally, as
British Ouija Transport & Travel – York. York was the intended HQ. BOTT-Y never
drew wind. Even before the new logo had been paid for, the organisation was
split. The Beer Scooter Division – as it had become – became the Wheeled
Alcoholic Imbiber Returning Policy Oversight Bureau – WairPob.
This lasted for nearly three years, two changes of Director General and four
changes of responsible Minister, before being ‘streamlined’ into Alcoholic
Transports Inspectorate – ATI – which very rapidly became the Wheeled Inebriates
National Network English Directorate – WINNED, often pronounced ‘wined’ or
whined’ – at the start of the Euro-terror, when everything was being split –
regardless of facility – into Euro Regions. By now, this Quango had a national
staff of 380 full-time-equivalents, plus regional ‘correspondents’.
At this time, a concentrated government policy appeared [possibly for the first
time]; jobs in the North were to be promoted, by Chancellor [everything turns
to] Brown and Prime Minister Tony [B. Liar] Blair.
By the time – two years, four changes of overseeing Ministry, and several senior
delegated Directors, later –that this became the ACSAu [Alcoholic Conveyances
Standards Authority – not to be confused with the ACSAg- Alcoholic Conveyances
Standards Agency!] the staffing was starting to register serious amounts. And
serious costs, too, not coincidentally. By 2006, ACSAu had over 3,600 employees
[although not all full-time, full-time-equivalents were not made public].
Still not enough to provide a return on the investment provided – from tax
payers’ and lenders’ money; it was decided, probably on a whim ( no evidence is
available to suggest otherwise), to integrate the – then – Alcoholic Conveyables
Standards Authorities with the Fairies United Commemoration Kommisariat - to
form the ALCOFUCK.
This lasted less then a year before internal stresses brought about another
restructuring – with new logo, badge, Board, responsible Minister, sponsoring
Ministry, etc. . . .
That brought us to the ACSAg – the Alcoholic Conveyance Standards Agency – we
have today. This now employs a total of 46,000 full-time equivalent workers,
and, as its name suggests, is responsible for beer scooters, wine wagons,
Bacardi buggies and the rest.
Obviously, an organisation that size needs managing – and so it is divided into
a number of Directorates. Each has one – or more – Board director, scraping
along on £135,000 to £160,000, plus golden pension, expenses, etc.
These valuable jobs are concentrated in the north of England; it is estimated
that more than three percent of the working-age population of Newcastle, for
example, are involved, in some way, in maintaining the standards of alcoholic
conveyances.
The biggest directorate is the Diversity, Integration, Cohesion and Equality
Directorate. DICED actually has its own internal Training Branch.
The Training, Qualification, Mentoring and Continuing Education Directorate, is
almost as large, at about 8,500 staff, and, similarly, has its own Equality
Enforcement Branch.
The quango’s IT function, ACSAITS, possesses – plainly because they are required
– Equal Opportunities; Staff Enhancement; Requisitioning and Purchasing; and
Payroll branches – for ACSAITS staff alone. It is also responsible for the
ongoing [since 1999] project to computerise the various functions of this Grand
Agency. Investment to date has exceeded two billion pounds – “A drop in the
ocean, compared with NHS IT investment”, according to Mohammed D’Artagnan, the
Communications and Technologies Principal Overlord of ACSAg. “Never mind the
bloody ID Card!” he added.
Projected staff numbers are expected to rise by between 9 and 10 percent in
Fiscal 2010-11.
You know it makes sense.
286-
I was waiting at the counter in a cocktail bar the other day.
"Sex on the Beach?", asked the barman
"No thanks" I replied. "I just had a wank on the train."
287-
The old soldier hopped in, crutch under one arm, and called to Murphy the
barman. 'A pint of the dark stuff.' Too late,' said Murphy, 'we've just closed
up.' 'Ah come on,' said the soldier. 'I lost my leg at Dunkirk.' 'Well, you
won't find it in this pub,' said Murphy.
288-
289-
A Jew walks into a bar.
Bartender says "Why the long nose?"
290-
My friend said he's going to set a new standard in pubs by opening one on the
top of a mountain.
Personally, I think he's raised the bar too high.
291-
A Jew walks into a bar.
Bartender says "Why the long nose?"
292-
Carl is talking to a girl in a New York City bar, he says, "Can I get you a
drink?
The girl replies; "Certainly" Carl asks: "What would you like?" The girl says,
"Champagne."
Carl says "Why Champagne?"
The girl says, "Because when I drink champagne I imagine I am a goddess on the
Nile, draped in a long robe, relaxing peacefully, with servants fanning me and
dropping peeled grapes into my mouth."
Curious Carl asks, "What if I just buy you a draft beer?"
The girl replies, "I'll cut wet farts all night."
293-
Buffy was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the
olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron,
who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and
grabbed the toothpick. "Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily
skewered the olive. "Big Deal," muttered Buffy. "I already had him so tired out,
he couldn't get away."
294-
Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe,
not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then
another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks
her back to his place for a "good time." "Look," says the woman, "what do you
think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!" "OK," replies
Joe, "so how many does it take?"
295-
A drunken guy was raising a philosophical question around a bar table with
friends. He asked, "What is the difference between WATCH & WIFE." Then started
giggling. The other guy picks up, "Well, when watch malfunctions it stops but
wife, when she malfunctions, boy it just starts."
296-
There's a rumour going around that the police have said you're not allowed to
wear England shirts in pubs in case it upsets Muslims.
What the fuck is a Muslim doing in a pub?
297-
An ugly bird in a boozer says, "If you can guess my weight, you can shag
me all night long". The bloke says, "Oh, about 93 stone you ugly fat cow. She
replies, "That's close enough you lucky bastard".
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