Animals 2
51-
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television, as well as in the newspapers. But no one reported having seen the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo, as well as the animal handlers, were summoned to the library. They found the ape sitting at an desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other, written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
52-
A fellow was about to enter a bar when a dog said to him,
"Hey, mister! Wanna make some quick money?" The man couldn't believe his ears.
He said to the dog, "Can you talk?"
"Yeah," the dog answered, "and that's how we can pick up some easy money. You take me into the bar with you, pretend I'm your dog, and bet everybody I can talk."
The fellow thought that was a great idea, so he took the dog into the bar, set it on the bar, and announced to everyone that the dog could talk.
The other patrons didn't believe him, and it wasn't long before several thousand dollars had been bet.
Finally, after all the bets had been placed, the guy said to the dog, " All right, go ahead and say something."
Nothing.
He told the dog again, "Hey! All the bets are placed! Say something !"
The dog just looked at him and whined. The man, asked again and again, but the dog wouldn't say a word. Finally, the guy had to pay all the bets, scooped up the dog in disgust and walked out.
Once outside, he screamed, "You just cost me way over a thousand dollars! You got anything to say before I kill you?"
"Use your head, mister," the dog answered. "Tomorrow night, we'll be able to get odds of ten-to-one."
53-
A zebra, living on the African plains is depressed. All his life he has been troubled because he wasn’t sure whether he was white with black stripes or black with white stripes. Finally the uncertainty forces him to pray to God, in order to answer his question. He kneels down, looks up to the heavens and says, “Dear God, please put me out of my misery. Please let me know whether I am a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes”
The skies clear and a booming voice replies, “You are what you are”
The little zebra is puzzled by this answer and goes to see his wise old friend the giraffe. He tells the giraffe precisely what his question was and what the answer was. “I’m still no wiser he says to the giraffe”
“But”. says the giraffe, “the answer was very clear, you are a white zebra with black stripes” If you had been a black zebra with white stripes then God would have said, You is what you is”
54-
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"
55-
A farmer was down on his luck having suffered a bad growing season, lack of crops and poor prices. To make ends meet he decided he'd have to sell his dog - a most intelligent animal.
A few days after placing the ad, a man came to see this "intelligent" dog. When asked what the dog could do, the farmer pointed to a stand of trees nearby and informed the man there was a pond on the other side. He turned to the dog and commanded, "Hunt."
Immediately the dog took off for the trees, came back a few moments later and barked twice. The farmer said, "He just told me there are two ducks down at the pond."
"That's absurd." said the potential buyer. "Dogs can't count. He was probably just barking for the heck of it." Just then a duck flew overhead, descended just past the trees and apparently landed on the pond.
"Now send him back and have him count!" said the man. The farmer again commanded "Hunt!" and off went the dog. He came back shortly and barked three times. The buyer finally believed the dog was smart and bought him on the spot.
A few days later the man took his new dog out into the woods where he knew there was a pond nearby. He commanded the dog "Hunt!" and the dog took off toward the pond and came back a few minutes later with a stick in its mouth. He came up to the man swinging the stick wildly around and began humping his leg.
"Smart, my ass!" said the new owner and promptly shot the dog. When he got home he immediately called the farmer to complain. "Some dog you sold me! When I told him to 'hunt' he came back waving a stick and started humping my leg so I shot the queer critter."
And the farmer replied, "You fucking idiot! He was trying to tell you there were more fucking ducks than you could shake a stick at!"
56-
An elderly lady has just lost her husband and feeling a bit lonely she goes to the pet shop to find a suitable companion. She tells the pet shop owner her problem and tells him that she doesn't want a dog because it would be too boisterous for her and she doesn't want a cat because cats just tend to come and go as they please. So the pet shop owner says: "What you need is a little budgie that talks and I've got an excellent one here for £15"
So she buys the budgie and takes it home. A week later she returns to the shop and says to the owner:
"I've had that budgie for a week now and it hasn't said anything".
The owner says to her: "You've got to tap on it's cage".
She says: "Cage? What cage?"
And he says: "You mean you haven't got a cage? You've got to put it in a cage. I've got one here for £10"
So she buys it and takes it home.
A week later she returns to the shop and says to the owner:
"That budgie still hasn't said anything".
The owner says to her: "You've got to tap on it's cage and get it to climb up it's ladder".
She says: "Ladder? What ladder? You didn't say anything to me about a ladder"
And he says: "You've got to have a ladder. I've got one here for a fiver"
So she buys it and takes it home and puts it in the cage.
A week later she returns to the shop and says to the owner:
"That budgie still hasn't bloody said anything".
The owner says to her: "You've got to tap on it's cage and get it to climb up it's ladder and stand on it's perch".
She says: "Perch? What bloody perch? You didn't say anything to me about a bloody perch"
And he says: "Oh yes you've got to have a perch. I've got one hear for two quid"
Reluctantly she buys it and takes it home and puts it in the cage.
A week later she comes back to the shop and she's fuming:
"That budgie still hasn't fucking said anything".
The owner says to her: "You've got to tap on it's cage and get it to climb up it's ladder and stand on it's perch and look in it's mirror".
She says: "MIRROR? WHAT FUCKING MIRROR? You didn't say anything to me about a fucking mirror"
And he says: "You've got to have a mirror. I've got one hear for a pound"
So she buys it and takes it home and puts it in the cage.
Two weeks pass before she returns to the shop. When the owner sees her he asks:
"How's that budgie?"
She says: "Oh, it died"
"Did it?", asks the owner "Did it ever talk?"
The old lady says: "Yeah, it did actually. In it's dying breath, just before he dropped to the bottom of it's cage it said 'Oi missus, have you got any fucking seed?' "
57-
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said "You'd better not go out tonight, Little Red Riding Hood, because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered."
So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs.
One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!"
As she continued through the forest, she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said, "NO! You're going to eat me like the book says..."
58-
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks
into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?", he
squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his
big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?, he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells:
"For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you
idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone
in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who
unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy
Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was
Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the friggin cat
out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now
that you've decided to drag your sorry bear asses downstairs, and grace Mummy
Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to
say this one more time: "I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!"
59-
The Most Venomous Snake In The World
Name: Expectoria Trouserius (Trouser Snake)
Location: Throughout the world
Description: Varying colour from pink to black, fangless, with highly venous spit. Size varies from 3 – 12 inches, depending on its mood.
Symptoms: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous rump, then severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after 9 months. The attack is not usually fatal. It
has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.
Habitat: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
Antidote: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
What to do once attacked.
Torniquet: Do not apply a torniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be effective.
Bandaging the wound: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective, as bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
Sucking the wound: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to lead to any success.
Milking the snake:
1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly, and move the hand in an upward and downward manner.
3. This will result in the snake becoming very aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake has attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
Conclusion: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with respect,makes a wonderful pet.
60-
A Mississippi woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Mississippi arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Mississippi woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Mississippi woodpecker was in awe.
The Texas woodpecker then challenged the Mississippi woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully.
The Mississippi woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Texas the Mississippi woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers are now confused.
How is it that the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree and the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home..
61-
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
62-
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye.
As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper.
Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language.
The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.
Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same.
Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
63-
A honeymooning couple purchased a talking parrot on their vacation and took it to their room, but the bridegroom became annoyed with the bird when it kept up a running commentary on his lovemaking skills. Finally he threw a towel over the cage and threatened to give the bird to the zoo if it didn't stay quiet.
Early the next morning, packing to return home, they couldn't close a large suitcase.
"You get on top and I'll try," the groom instructed. But that didn't work. The new bride figured they must need more weight on top of the suitcase to shut it. "Darling, YOU get on top and I'll try." Still no success. Finally the annoyed groom said, "Look, let's both get on top."
At that point the parrot used his beak to pull the towel off the cage and said, "Zoo or no zoo, I just have to see this!"
64-
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
65-
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
66-
Charles was working for many years as the elephant trainer in a local Circus.
Then after a few rough years, he was allowed to go with a thank you, one of the elephants and a few bails of hay when the Circus went bust.
Feeling rather depressed he got to wondering how he was going to survive with only an elephant and no career any more. Then he remembered his days in the Circus and realised he was onto a good thing.
In all his years in the Circus, he had trained elephants to lift one leg off the ground, lift two legs off the ground and even lift three legs off the ground but NEVER had he seen four legs off the ground at once.
Near and far he advertised, $1 to try, win $1000 if you can make the elephant lift 4 legs off the ground at once.
People came from near and far to try and Charles was raking the money and had made about $700 when one day a fellow arrived in a red convertible.
He asked about the rules of the contest and paid his money. He walked back to the car, took out a baseball bat, walked to the front of the elephant, looked him in the eye long and hard. Then he walked around the back of the elephant, took a mighty swing and struck the animal in the testicles.
At once the elephant leapt into the air and Charles was down $1000 and feeling "very" sorry for himself.
Then he remembered his days at the Circus and in all his days he had never seen an elephant move his head side to side. Up and down he had seen, round and round he had seen but NEVER side to side. Near and far he advertised, $1 to try, win $1000 if you can make the elephant move his head side to side.
People came from near and far to try and Charles was raking the money when one day a fellow arrived in a red convertible. Again he asked the rules and walked to his car.
He returned with a baseball bat, walked to the front of the elephant and looked the animal in the eye long and hard and said, "You remember me, don't you?".
The elephant nodded. "You remember what I did to you?" The elephant nodded.
"You remember the PAIN?" The elephant nodded. "Do you want me to do it again?"
67-
A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit box. He sets the duck on top of the biscuit box on the bar and the duck begins dancing.
The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is full of people watching this amazing duck, still dancing and giving the odd quack now and again.
The barman realizes that he hasn't had business this good in a long time. It is so good that he offers to buy the duck from the man to which the man agrees to sell for £500. The barman thinks it is a bit expensive but agrees to buy it anyhow. On selling the duck, the man goes home leaving a crowded pub watching his dancing duck.
Later that night, the man gets a telephone call; it is the barman and he exclaims that the duck is a great success and that he has his money back in the amount of drink he has sold, but he says - "There is one thing... How do
you get the duck to stop dancing?" to which the man replies—"Oh simple - just take the lid off the biscuit box and blow out the candle.
68-
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square" do your stuff!"
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a square, circle and triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But, the accountant said his dog could do better.
He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He then divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his dog could do better.
He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive.
The three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a dump on the paper, had sex with the other three dogs,
claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for
worker's compensation and then went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
They ALL agreed, that dog was bloody brilliant!!!
69-
What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
Conclusion: They are tiny women in little fur coats.
70-
A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it had a special skill. It would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout churchgoer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.
One day the women was boasting about her parrot's prayers. An older gentleman was simply amazed by this. "I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard," he sighed. "Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much."
The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him.
The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, "Well, fuck my boots! This is what I've been praying for!!"
71-
How Dogs and Men Are Alike
1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost.
2. Both take up too much space on the bed.
3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
4. Both are threatened by their own kind.
5. Neither understands what you see in cats.
6. Both want dominance.
7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
8. Both chase cars.
9. The larger ones tend to drool.
10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
72-
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
1. Dogs don’t have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.
3. You can train a dog.
4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
5. Dogs understand what “NO” means.
6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
7. When dogs play “fetch”, they don’t laugh at how you throw.
8. Dogs are color blind.
9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren’t allowed to come inside.
73-
Why Dogs are Better Than Women
1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
2. Dogs like beer.
3. Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
4. Dogs don’t criticize.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs never expect gifts.
7. Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you’ve ever had.
8. Dogs don’t let a magazine article guide their lives.
9. You never have to wait for a dog, they’re ready to go 24 hrs. a day.
10. Dogs don’t cry.
11. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
12. A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
13. Dogs don’t expect you to call when you’re running late - the later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
14. Anyone can get a good looking dog.
15. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
16. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
17. Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
18. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
19. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
20. A dog’s parents never visit.
74-
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus and says, "This is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. I'll give five hundred bucks to anybody who has an instrument that the octopus can't play."
A guy walks up with a guitar, the octopus takes it, and starts playing like Jimi Hendrix. Another guy walks up with a trumpet, and the octopus plays it better than Dizzy Gillespie. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits it down, the octopus fumbles with it for a minute, and then he sets it down with a confused look.
The guy says, "Hah! You can't play it?"
The octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I can get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna FUCK IT!"
75-
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through-and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."
76-
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am. "It's quite OK," replied the snake. Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you. "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit. "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone else in senior management."
77-
WHERE THE DOG AND CAT CAME FROM
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, "and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.
And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.
And the cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
78-
A young couple decided it would be fun to go on a cycling holiday in Wales and to make it slightly out of the ordinary they hired a tandem bicycle. All was going well until they were leisurely cycling through Abersoch when a large dog ran out on to the street and threw a bucket of cold water over them.
79-
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted," and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his
new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house.
As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back, "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian!"
80-
Having covered 180 miles of his journey from London to Carmarthen, his car broke-down on a very dark Welsh A-road. He lifted the bonnet and gasped in exasperation.
Just then, a huge, black horse poked its head above the hedge and said nonchalantly: 'It's the HT leads, mate. Check your HT leads over.'
He just couldn't believe what he thought he'd just heard.
'Go-on, check your HT leads!' the horse said.
Startled into action, he checked the HT leads, found the distributor connection loose and tightened it.
'Now try starting her-up' said the horse laconically.
He did, and the bloody thing fired on the first turn of the key. Amazed, he got back in and drove on, stopping at the first pub to recover.
Over a pint or two, he described what had happened to anyone who'd listen in the bar. Then the barmaid overheard what he was saying and told him:
'And I'll bet he told you he won the Grand National as well but he's a bloody liar, he only came second!'
81-
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $20.
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam"
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. "Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fucking whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?" says the parrot.
82-
Dog Stuff
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot little puppies." -- Gene Hill
"In dog years I'm dead" -- Unknown
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." -- Penny Ward Moser
"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage." -- Danish Proverb
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx.
"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch." -- Michael Friedman
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?" -- Unknown
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." -- Unknown
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. " -- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that that he can hold his own in the conversation."-- Fran Lebowitz
"Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job." -- Franklin P. Jones
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow.they must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner
"If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one."-- Andy Rooney
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein
"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." -- Woodrow Wilson
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron
"Rambunctious, rumbustious, delinquent dogs become angelic when sitting." -- Dr. Ian Dunbar
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."-- Ben Williams
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." -- Roger Caras
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey
"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.."
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion" -- Unknown
"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." -- Mark Twain
"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." -- Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives." -- Rita Rudner
83-
Dogs VS Women
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs understand that you are their master.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs think you sing great.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs have ten breasts.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs don't want to know about every other pet you've had.
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs get excited when you take out the leash and choker chains.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
A dog's parents never visit.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs like it when you leave the toilet seat up.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
************************************************
"Why Women Are Better than Dogs"
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
Women look good in sweaters.
Women leave the room to fart.
Women know how to make popcorn.
************************************************
"How Women and Dogs Are the Same"
Both look stupid in hats.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both put too much value on kissing.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have hip problems.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither understands football.
Neither believes that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
84-
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire."
The old rooster replies, "come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."
The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.
"Damn!" he says, "That's the third queer rooster I bought this month."
85-
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the
bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvellous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says,
"Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals?
With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?"
86-
A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur"?
The bunny says "No".
So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass with it.
87-
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
88-
A mouse is putting down a few stiff ones at the local pub one evening and since his best girl left him, he's feeling rather horny. Unfortunately the only female in the place is a giraffe, but she does look pretty good. In fact, as the mouse drains his glass he realises she look very good so he asks the barkeep to pour her a drink.
She smiles, he winks and next thing you know they're sitting right next to each other. The bartender goes about his business and after a while notices that both the mouse and the giraffe have left. About an hour or two later he sees the mouse coming back into the bar - his little tail is all curly-cued, one ear is flopped over and he generally looks like heck.
"What happened to you?", the barkeep inquires.
"Well", says the mouse, "you saw me leave with that giraffe, didn't you?"
The bartender nodded.
"Well," continued the mouse. "Between the 'Kiss me, Fuck me, Kiss me, Fuck me', I must have ran 20 miles!"
89-
There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population and young George was pretty excited. "Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George. "George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam. "Okay, I can do that." George answered. Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there but Sam had a few more instructions. "Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam. "OK, OK, let's go!" said George. "Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam. "Sure" says George. Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remembers Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."
90-
One day a cat died of natural causes and went to heaven. There he met the Lord Himself. The Lord said to the cat, "You have lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable please let me know."
The cat thought for a moment and said, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stopped the cat and said, "Say no more" and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appeared.
A few days later six mice were killed in a tragic farming accident and went to heaven. Again there was the Lord to greet them with the same offer. The mice answered, "Lord, all of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" Instantly the Lord fitted each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.
About a week later, the Lord stopped by to see the cat and found him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently woke the cat and asked, "How are things for you since coming to heaven?"
The cat stretched, yawned, and replied, "Lord, it is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. Especially those meals on wheels you've been sending by -- they are the best!!!"
91-
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
92-
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."
The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," said the psychic, "Next term...in her biology class."
93-
An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.
The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, 'It's goddamned cold in here!'
Everyone turned to look at her, she ran out of the church in total embarrassment!
All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church. The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday. Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, 'It's goddamned cold in here!!' And again the woman ran from the church.
The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid of
the parrot, the owner offered the following solution: 'If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder.'
'That'll work?' asked the woman.
'Guaranteed!' exclaimed the owner.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started the parrot squawked, 'It's goddamned cold in here!!'
Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.
The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, 'Pretty fucking windy, too!'
94-
Two parrots are sitting on a perch.
One says to the other, "Can you smell fish?"
95-
October, 1993 - Europa Times
"We will not have him put down. Lucky is basically a damn good guide dog," Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wuppertal told reporters. "He just needs a little brush-up on some elementary skills, that's all."
Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German shepherd guide-dog for the blind, had so far been responsible for the deaths of all four of his previous owners. "I admit it's not an impressive record on paper. He led his first owner in front of a bus, and the second off the end of a pier. He actually pushed his third owner off a railway platform just as the Cologne to Frankfurt express was approaching and he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, before abandoning him and running away to safety. But, apart from epileptic fits, he has a lovely temperament. And guide dogs are difficult to
train these days."
Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about his previous record, Gerber replied: "No. It would make them nervous, and would make Lucky nervous. And when Lucky gets nervous he's liable to do something silly."
96-
An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company.
So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry." The old lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince.
Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
The first motel she could find.
97-
Dog's Pet Peeves about Humans
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone.
(Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who’s walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.
12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!
98-
How to Wash the Cat - by The Dog
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet (this step is optional).
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted .
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, he is actually enjoying this.)
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The Dog
99-
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my rotweiller, he want bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
When the repair man arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest rotweiller he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.
The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird !"
And the parrot yelled out, "Get him, Spike!"
100-
Q: Why do mice have such tiny balls?
A: Because so few of them can dance.
101-
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way, I'm a defective parrot."
"Good Grief!" the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me."
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah," the guy says. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says. "This is very embarrassing but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sport, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at Greek mythology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssst," says the parrot. "I'm defective. So the truth is nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You'll probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer."
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises and is insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and parrot goes, "Pssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it is about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black negligee and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT????" the guy shouts. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her negligee, kissing and petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "THEN WHAT?"
"He got down on his knees and continued to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down."
"WELL," demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Buggered if I know," replied the parrot, "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
102-
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the Wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So, going to the closet again, grabs another piece of ribbon, and ties it around
her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. He awakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but we got first and second place!"
103-
One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging the laundry when an old,
tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog's
collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the
house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a
corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out.
The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept
for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, the woman pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon, your dog
comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"We have ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep."
104-
Charlie was a famous race horse. Not only was he fast, but he could talk.
Charlie was entered in the Kentucky Derby. A come from behind horse, he started at the back of the field and slowly past up the rest of the field until he was just behind the leader. Suddenly, he seemed to slow down and ended up in second place at the end of the race.
Afterward, the owner came up and asked him what had happened. Charlie replied, "I'm really sorry boss but I got behind that little filly and she had the cutest little butt. I just couldn't pass her up."
The owner voiced his displeasure and told Charlie that he would have to put blinkers on him for the Preakness.
At the Preakness, Charlie repeated his performance, passing up all the horses until he got to the little filly when he again slowed down behind her.
The owner asked again what had happened. Charlie replied, "Well boss, it was going great. I couldn't see to the left or right. All of a sudden, that pretty little filly cut right in front of me and I just couldn't pass her up.
The owner said, "Charlie, I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to have you neutered before the Belmont."
Charlie said "I understand boss. I deserve it for the way I've behaved the last two races."
Charlie recovers from his surgery in time for the Belmont. The gate opens up and Charlie takes off but falls over right past the starting gate.
The owner rushes onto the track. "Charlie, what's wrong? Did I rush you into this? Are you hurt?"
Charlie looks up at the owner and says "Boss, it's not your fault. I was really ready for this race. My mind was on the race and I didn't even look at that little filly as we were going into the gate."
"Well, then what happened." asked the owner.
Charlie replied "The gate opened, I started to run and all of a sudden I heard the announcer say 'And they're off!' and I got so embarassed I crossed my legs."
105-
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the circus. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Yes, I'm nine!" the boy said. The Irishman continued his loud heckling, still not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct. The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around,
raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe. Then he turned back around, knocked the Irishman to the ground with his trunk and then stomped on him twice. The Irishman, crumpled and bleeding, staggered back to his feet and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried,
"Mother of Mary, he's right! Farty-two!"
106-
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion
107-
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
108-
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin'love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes ?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a truck?
Talented
109-
So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he said "I recognise the ivory".
110-
A flock of Cumbrian sheep decided to go down the local on a bender coz they were depressed by Foot and Mouth Disease. By closing time they were all slaughtered.
111-
A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she
comments on the creature's rather hideous appearance.
Princess: "My, but you are really an ugly frog!"
Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me."
Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you."
Frog: "Look, leave me alone my dear. I told you, it's a really bad spell."
Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?"
Frog: "I don't know dear, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job."
112-
A shepherd whistles to his collie to bring the sheep over the hill. The flock stays still. He whistles again. The flock still doesn't move. He walks up to the sheepdog and asks: "What's the score?" The dog says: "Celtic have just equalised."
113-
Instructions for Giving Your Cat a Pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, leaving its head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with plastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, and force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth, followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat, and ring local pet shop to see if it has any hamsters.
114-
There are these two ducks hanging around beside a lake, a lady duck and a gentleman duck, and it's the mating season.
The man duck starts prodding her with his beak, and she says, "Here, what do you think you're doing? Haven't you any subtlety?"
He says, "Oh, don't you want to, then?"
She says, "Well, not here, there's people watching. Let's go to a hotel for the afternoon, like everyone else."
He says, "Where's a hotel, then?"
She says, "There's one there on the other side of the lake. Don't you know anything?"
So they fly across the lake and plod into the hotel and she says, "Go on, ask him for a room."
So the man duck says to the receptionist, "Quack! We want a room for the afternoon, please. We're on our honeymoon."
The receptionist says, "Certainly sir; room 22, here's your key."
So the ducks get in the lift and go up to the second floor and let themselves into their room. No sooner have they got in there than he starts prodding her with his beak again. After a while she says, "Hang on a minute. You got a condom?"
"What?" he says.
"A condom! This is 2003, and I'm not going to do it without a condom."
"Oh. Well, er, where are we going to get one?"
"Haven't you had any education?" she says. "Ring room service and ask them to send one up."
"How do I ring room service?"
"For crying out loud! Dial 0 and ask for room service."
So he knocks the receiver off the hook, prods the 0 on the phone with his beak and asks for room service, and when they answer, he says,
"Quack! I'd like a pot of tea for two; some scones; a couple of slices of cake; the evening paper; and, er, a condom."
"Certainly sir," says room service. "That'll be with you in 10 minutes."
So the ducks hang around for a few minutes looking out at the lake, and then there's a knock and the lackey comes in with the tray. He puts the tray down on the table, fishes something out of his pocket and says, "There's your tea, sir, and here's your condom. Shall I put it on your bill?"
"Certainly not," says the duck. "What do you think I am, a pervert?"
115-
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pigs house and said," Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down."
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said " I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick
pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black stretch limo pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora
hats, carrying violin cases. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living crap out of him. Then one of them
reaches into his violin case, pulled out a gun and fired killing the wolf. Then they got back into their limo and drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! " Who the heck were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins from Jersey -- the Guinea Pigs."
116-
LOST DOG, 3 LEGS, BLIND IN LEFT EYE, MISSING RIGHT EAR, TAIL BROKEN, RECENTLY CASTRATED,
ANSWERS TO THE NAME "LUCKY"
117-
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.
The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't tell him! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!"
118-
A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman gives the horse a drink. Then horse complains loudly: "Hey, what sort of a barman are you! You forgot the little umbrella!" He finishes his drink and gallops out of the bar. After the horse has
left, another customer, who had been watching the whole scene with increasing astonishment, turns to the barman and says, "My God, that is
incredible! I have never seen anything like that before, never in my entire life!"
The barman replies: "For God's sake, what's the big deal! Anyone can forget the little umbrella!"
119-
A pony walks into a pub and says: "Barman, may I have a drink?"
The barman says, "What? I can't hear you, speak up!" "May I please have a drink?"
"What? You'll have to speak up!"
"Could I please have a drink?"
"Now listen, if you don't speak up I can't serve you."
"I'm sorry," replied the pony, "I'm just a little hoarse."
120-
Has anyone had to take a cat to the Vet? On public transportation?
I did, and it was probably the most harrowing experience of my life except for when I had a spectacular bowel disorder. My cat had a Sheep Tick lodged on his head, that could not be removed, so I decided to take him to the vet. When I had bought the cat, I'd also bought a cat basket made from stout wicker for this very purpose.
I went to the closet and took out the basket, but Cat saw it and gave me a cocky, head on one side, look that said, quite simply, "If you think I am going to humiliate myself by putting my fine, furry body in that, you can shove it up your arse, mate"
So I put the basket on the table, and picked up the cat, cooing soft, gentle phrases that would have calmed down one of those dogs that are banned and owned by people with their names tatooed on their foreheads in mirror writing. Cat started to purr, albeit suspiciously. However, as soon as I got him near the door of the basket, his limbs shot so wide that he was clawing at both sides of the room simultaneously. There followed two minutes of what seemed like fighting with an angry furry octopus with more claws than Geronimo's necklace and the temper of Don King with his german helmet caught in his fly.
"Come on, puss, go in"
"Meow"
"Please...ouch"
"Hiss....snarl"
"Get in you fat furry, followed by profanity"
"Meeoooow...growl..." etc..etc..
Eventually I succeeded, because I am over 6 feet and 200 pounds. But I had been scratched so much that I looked like I'd had Freddy Krueger round for tea and angered him with a comment about his mother's facial hair. So, I took him to the bus stop and waited in the queue. Cat sat with his paws folded with an expression of loathing disgust, planning his ultimate revenge.... We got on the bus and sat down. It was the usual group of afternoon, off-peak passengers; Old ladies because they could travel for free and spotty adolescents going to burgle houses. For the first few minutes, Cat kept quiet, shuffling about a little, and licking his bottom. Then it started.
"meow..."
"Meowwwww..."
"M E E OW....WOOOOOOO....WOWOWOWO.....MEEEEEEEOOOWW... grrrrroowwwwlll"
The old lady next to me was rather startled. I think she thought it was an Air-Raid siren, and she started mumbling "Old Fritz is at it again and my Arthur was never the same after they shot one of his balls off" But it soon became apparent to everyone on the bus that it was Cat who was making the racket. Spotty kid at the back took his Walkman headphones off.
Then came the bombshell. It started as the faintest whiff - the merest zephyr of cat shite wafting up my nose. It's worth pondering for a moment what goes on in a cats devilish insides. Consider what goes in at the front end. Certain brands of cat food in the UK have recently been classified as "fit for human consumption". But if I came home after a hard day at the office and found a tin of that laid out for my dinner there would be a great deal of shouting and a trip to the lawyer's. Cat food is vile. There is a common bond that is shared across humanity - everyone in the whole world, when opening a tin of cat food before breakfast shouts when they get a whiff of it. Even Arabs. So, considering the material a cat has to work with, coupled with a set of bile organs developed by Lucifer himself, you can understand why I was sitting on a bus surrounded by people looking like they were entrants in a Face Pulling & Pointing competition. And then came the urine.
Yokshire, in North England (where I live) has recently suffered a drought. In an attempt to resolve the situation, Yorkshire Water Limited had to draft in hundreds of water tankers to top up the depleted reservoirs. They needn't have bothered. All they had to do was couple a pipeline to my cat's wang, erect a sizable distilling facility and provide gas masks to the local residents. I have never seen as much urine come from a living being. I've giggled at horses relieving themselves in fields, and I've seen an elephant taking an impressive leak in a TV
programme. But they are insignificant compared to the amount of fluid that a cat can hold when it's angry. Steven Hawking alone can contemplate the multi-dimensionality that allows my 16 pound cat to store gallons of water in its zeppelin of a bladder.
Of course, wicker baskets do not hermetically seal.
So the fluid ran straight on to my trousers. My khaki, summer trousers. The crotch of my trousers. It was way before my stop, but I just had to get off the bus because people were starting to threaten me between retches. I walked down the aisle, dripping with wee, holding a caterwauling ball of furry anger in a basket.
I had to walk about a mile to the Vet's, with people looking straight at the dark, damp patch that was my crotch. It was very difficult to retain my dignity. When I got to the Vet's, the man took one look at the cat, whipped out some tweezers and had the Tick removed in an instant. Presenting me with a bill that was large enough to buy food for a platoon of hungry soldiers with tapeworms, he said "You could have removed that at home - you needn't have made the effort to come all the way here".
The next thing he said was "Ouch - there's no need for th...", followed by "Oh Jesus, my plums", and rounding off with "That bill has got to be paid -- it's no good wiping your crotch with it".
121-
Notice to People That Visit Our Home
1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want the dog to be near you, stay off the furniture.
3. Yes, he has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your point?
4. OF COURSE he smells like a dog.
5. It's his nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff his.
6. I like him a lot better than I like most people.
7. To you he's a dog. To me he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things.
8. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion quid for university, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups.
122-
Moshe wants to buy a parrot and goes to his local pet shop to see what they have. The assistant shows him a parrot and explains that this one is really quite special - it can speak most languages. So Moshe decides to test this out.
"Do you speak English?" asks Moshe.
"Yes," replied the parrot.
"Hablas Espanol?" asks Moshe.
"Si," replied the parrot.
"Parlez vouz Francais?" asks Moshe.
"Oui," replied the parrot.
"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" asks Moshe.
"Jawohl," replied the parrot.
"Falas Portugues?" asks Moshe.
"Sim," replied the parrot.
Moshe pauses for a while, then asks the parrot, "Do you speak Yiddish?"
The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says, "Nu? Vis a nose like dis, vot you tink?"
123-
There was this little bunny.....walking through the bush and he stumbled upon a bottle of whisky that had been lying in the sun for some time....he decided to take a swig from the bottle, but it was so strong that it made him pass out almost instantly.
Just then a jackal passed by and decided that he would also take a swig before he ate the bunny, but the same thing happened....and there they were both bunny and jackal lying unconscious in the sun.
Next, a hyena passed by and he could not believe his luck....two meals on a plate, but he made the same mistake with the bottle....
Finally, a lion passed by, but decided that he doesn't eat jackal or hyena. Bunny was too small for him to even make the effort, so he decided to take a few large swigs from the bottle....and he duly passed out also.
They're all out of it until the bunny stirred and sat up with a hell of a headache ....he shook his head.... straightened his ears and looked around.
What a sight....there was an unconscious jackal, hyena and a lion lying around him....
"SHITE he exclaims....but I am one aggressive drunk!"
124-
A pet can be a wonderful addition to a household, but it's important to choose one that's right for your family. Here are some tips for making a winning choice:
Pets eventually grow old and die, causing your children great emotional trauma. Be sure to only choose pets which will outlive them, such as the giant Pacific sea tortoise.
Be sure to check for the appropriate number of limbs before you get your new pet home.
Pets soiling the rug in your house will only be a problem if they are given food and water.
Pets are loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with the same cruelty and neglect you do your children.
Though most experts advocate spaying or neutering your pet, it's expensive, it's a big hassle, and it screws with your pet's mind. To hell with spaying and neutering.
Only choose a pet you are reasonably confident you can defeat in hand-to-hand struggle, in case of food-chain-hierarchy disputes.
Pet ownership is a great way to teach children about the entire cycle of life, from the miracle of birth to the inevitability of death. An efficient parent can teach these important lessons in about three hours.
Remind your children that pet ownership is a privilege they earn through good behaviour. If they do not live up to this responsibility, take the pet away by sacrificing it in an elaborate ceremony involving candles, knives, readings from the Book Of Numbers, and the ritual consumption of the pet's roasted corpse.
Remember, pets need regular food, exercise, love and attention. You probably should not be allowed to own one.
125-
A female reporter was interviewing a farmer concerning Mad Cow Disease.
"Mr. Jones, have you any ideas as to what might be causing this disease?" asked the reporter.
"I sure do," the farmer stated. "Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Well, sir, that's new information to me, but what is the relationship between that and Mad Cow?" inquired the reporter.
"In addition to that," continued the farmer, "did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"That's very interesting, Mr. Jones, but what's your point?" demanded the reporter.
"The point is this, lady," the farmer replied, "if I played with your tits twice a day, but only screwed you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
126-
Doggy Quotes
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that it wags its tail instead of its tongue." -Anonymous
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers
"If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -Andy Rooney
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare, and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." -M. Facklam
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -Robert Benchley
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -Rita Rudner
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." -Dave Barry
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." -Unknown
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein
127-
A man had two Parrots, and he was having difficulties figuring out which is a male and which is a female.
One day coming back from work he saw that one of the parrots was on top of the other. He caught the one on top and shaved his head, giving him a baldhead, thinking, now he could identify which is the male or female.
The following day a friend of the owner of the parrot, who was bald, came looking for the man, the parrot called out to him.
"Hey mister" when the man turned, the parrot said, "were you caught fucking too?"
128-
Harry picks up his Viagra prescription at the pharmacy.
Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home and anxiously waits for his wife to get home from work. In his excitement, he leaves the open package on the table and his parrot gobbles down all of the pills. Seeing the results and panicking, Harry grabs the parrot and sticks him in the freezer to cool off.
Unfortunately, Harry's Viagra kicks in just as his wife walks through the door and hours pass before he remembers the parrot. He rushes to look in the freezer, fearing the worst, but finds the bird breathing heavily, dripping with sweat and totally exhausted.
"What happened?" exclaims Harry. "You've been in there for hours, yet you're not only alive, you're sweating like crazy."
Panting, the parrot says, "Listen, pal, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs of a frozen chicken?!?"
129-
In a community that was poor and relied heavily on bartering, a young man was given a duck by his father to take into town and spend any way he liked.
When he got to town he decided to check out the local brothel and soon was in a room with a woman who accepted the duck as payment.
After they had finished she said "You know I haven't had this much fun in ages! I'll give you the duck back if you fuck me again"
So they did and she gave him the duck back. As he was leaving the building though the duck got away from him and promptly got run over by a car and killed.
The driver jumped out and said "Oh I'm so sorry. I know that duck must have meant a lot to you. I'll give you 20 dollars to get another one with."
So he walks happily home and his father asked how it went. His reply "I got a fuck for a duck. A duck for a fuck. And 20 bucks for a fucked up duck."
130-
This farmer had a sick cat and called the Vet in town to see what could be done for it. The Vet asked the farmer what the problem was. After being told, the Vet told the farmer to give it a pint of castor oil.
The farmer asked, "A whole pint?" and the Vet replied, "Sure, that'll fix it right up."
The next day the Vet saw the farmer in town and asked him how the sick calf was getting along.
"You fool!" the farmer exclaimed, "That wasn't a calf, it was a cat."
The Vet said, "Oh my goodness, did you give it the whole pint of castor oil?"
"Sure did," the farmer replied.
"What happened? Where's the cat now?" asked the Vet.
The farmer, pointing, said, "The last time I saw that cat, he was going over yonder hill with five others, two were digging, two were covering up, and one was scouting for new territory."
131-
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog"
132-
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?"
133-
Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said "you stay here until you learn how to behave yourself".
Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour). About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said the bear would not bother him. The salesman went to the barn.
Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about the barn - no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left for barn.
One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear).
The woman told the farmer that she could take care of herself and left for the barn.
Two hours later the Farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at the door. When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.
The Farmer said "Good heavens, what happened to you?"
The woman replied "I give up on human nature... the first guy gave me forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks".
134-
There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to take a trip, so he left his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be wrong with it."
Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand. About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around. Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off.
In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden, and turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. It was the gorilla!
This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand and said, "Tag! You're it!"
135-
A long time ago just after the creation of the earth most of the dogs on the planet are having an identity crisis. Unsure how a dog should behave they decide to have a conference. The conference is to be held at a castle in England and they will decide what a dog should do. The date is set and the invitations sent. Everything seems to be going well until the day of the conference…
Someone in administration has forgotten to lower the drawbridge! So all of the dogs have to swim the moat to get into the castle. When they arrive they are all soaking wet. Not wanting to catch a cold by sitting on a wet bum they decide to remove their bums and hangs them on a washing line to dry.
The conference goes well and all the dogs return to the washing line to stick their bums back on. But, disaster! The same people in administration that left the drawbridge up have re-arranged the bums on the washing line.
No one knows which bum belongs to which dog. Some have shrunk, some have gone baggy! There’s only one thing for it, take the nearest fitting bum, and go back home.
So ladies and gentlemen now you know why when dogs greet each other they sniff each others bums…since the day of the conference most dogs in the world are still trying to recover their own
arse!
136-
One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw this yellow toad. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying. "Sniff. None of the other toads will let me join in all their toad games ‘cos I’m yellow. Boo hoo."
"Don't cry, little one," replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the toad turned green. All happy now, the toad was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him.
So happily, the little green toad hippity-hopped along his merry way.
Feeling quite pleased with herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a
thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant.
The witch asked him why he was crying. "Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games ‘cos I’m pink. Boo hoo."
Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright
heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.
All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.
At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is," he sobbed.
"Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad," said the good witch.
137-
Well you see a gentleman walks into a bar. He sits down and the bartender gets him a drink. While looking around in this bar he noticed at the end of the bar there was a door. Posted on this door was a sign that said Anyone one who could make this horse laugh will get 5,000 dollars. Now see the gentleman asked the bartender about the horse!
The bartender said no one has made that horse laugh in 20yrs! Gentleman took one more sip of his drink and asked the bartender if he could try?
The bartender said OK, but warned him again, no one has made that horse laugh in 20yrs. So the bartender unlocked the door for him. Gentleman walked in and shut the door. 10 minutes later he walks out, and the horse is laughing like mad!
Gentleman walks over to the bartender and requests the 5,000 dollars. How did you do that?, the bartender asked. Easy, said the gentleman, then he walks out of the bar.
Now 2 days have passed and the gentleman returned to the same bar. Bartender recognized him and said hello. Gentleman sits down and orders the same drink as before. Looking around he noticed the door at the end of the bar. This time the note says "Anyone who can make this horse cry, will get 5,000 dollars!". Again he asks the bartender if he could try.
The bartender shrugged his shoulders and said OK! Bartender unlocks the door and the gentleman goes in and shuts the door. 10 minutes later he walks out and the horse is crying. He again goes over to the bartender and requests the money.
Well the bartender was curious by now and asked the gentleman How did you do it?.
The gentleman said Easy, First time I went in I told the horse my dick was bigger than his, and he started to laugh.
This time I showed him!
138-
A lady opened her refrigerator and finds a rabbit with a lisp sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asks.
The rabbit replies, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
"Yes" replies the lady.
"Well," says the rabbit, "I'm westing."
139-
Have you...
ever
wondered
what
happens
after
you
shut
down
your
computer
and
go
to
bed?
140-
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place into his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the flashlight back on & began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so that he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Totally rattled, he shone his flashlight around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are anyway?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
"Moses," the burglar laughed.
"What kind of people would give the name Moses to a parrot?"
The parrot quickly answered, "The same kind of people that would give the name Jesus to a
Rottweiler."
141-
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mum, why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand." "OK," said the son. A few minutes later the son asks,
"Mum, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert." "Thanks
Mum," replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks,
"Mum, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."
"That's great Mum, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but
Mum..." "Yes, son?" "Why the fuck are we in London zoo?"
142-
With his balls nearly on fire, a horny rat was tearing down the jungle path.
Spying a parrot up in a tree, he screeched to a halt and propositioned the bird.
No go. In growing desperation, the rat took off once more and shortly thereafter noticed a monkey swinging through some vines up ahead. But the monkey, too, turned him down cold. With his aching balls now nearly dragging on the ground, the rat resumed his feverish search for something to put it to. At length he saw an elephant browsing beside the trail. Racing up to her, he panted, "Hey,
momma, want to get it rough and hard?"
The elephant looked him over, sorta smiled, and replied, "What the hell. Hop on and show me your best stuff." So the rat jumped up on her and started going at it.
Just as he was really hitting his stride, a coconut fell from the tree over head and struck the elephant right between the eyes. "Ouch!" she yelled.
The rat paused in mid-stroke and said triumphantly, "Suffer, bitch! Suffer!"
143-
Two ants are playing a fast game of tennis in a saucer.
After the game they sit on the edge of the saucer towelling themselves off and one ant turns around and says: "Mate, you'll have to improve your game for tomorrow."
The other ant asks: "Why?"
The first ant replies: "We're playing in the cup tomorrow."
144-
DOGS & MEN.....
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
145-
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the Garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
146-
Boudreaux done been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta dem night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he done seen a snake wid a big ole frog in his mout. He knowed dat dem big bass fishes like frog so he decide to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water mocc'sin so he have to be real careful or he git bit bad. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirm and wrap hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free.
But Boudreaux, him he have a real good grip on his haid, yeh. Well, Boudreaux pried his mout open and he got de frog and puts it in dat baitcan. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he gonna bite him good, but he have a good plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overalls and pulls out a pint a dat moonshine likker. He pour some draps into de snakes mout. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat Boudreaux toss's dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare dat water mocc'sin was, wid two frogs in his mout.
147-
If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog.
If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's glad to see you, get a dog.
If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.
If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and whom you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog!
On the other hand...If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and come home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that He's happy...
Get a CAT!
148-
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer. "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
149-
Two hunters went to Africa in search of the rare Foo Bird. The guide explained to them to watch out for any large Foo bird that was circling overhead, because often that bird would take a huge dump. "If that dump hits you, do NOT wash it off for at
least 6 months, cause you will die!"
The next day the hunters went out hunting. Soon they saw A Huge Foo Bird circling overhead. Sure enough, It let fly a big dump, and sure enough it splattered right on one of the hunter's head. Remembering what the guide had said, the Hunter left it where it was, but several weeks later it began to smell. The smell was so unbearable that the hunter could not stand it any longer. He, therefore decided to take a shower and wash it off. Immediately, he dropped dead.
The Moral of this story is: If the FOO Shits, Wear it
150-
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
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