Filthy Jokes for Adults with a Sense of Fun
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Last Update:
June 21, 2010- (10 jokes added - now 15,410 funny and filthy jokes)
June 21
A woman confided to her girlfriend, "My ex-husband wants to marry me again." The friend said, "How flattering." The woman replied, "Not really. I think he's after the money I married him for.
A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor, "I believe I am losing my mind. I can't remember anything after five minutes!" The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone, "Just take off all your clothes, miss, and lie down..."
Bob was such a womaniser. Everywhere he went, he was always hitting on women. True to his form, he was at a department store one afternoon and was attracted to one of the saleswomen and proceeded to see if she would go out with him that evening. She snapped at him, "I know your type. You think you can take me for drinks, and then try to get me back to your apartment, and then get me in to your bed. I can read you like a book." Bob just smiled and said, "Well then, don't miss Chapter 5, it's a doozie."
Peter called his doctor's office for an appointment. "I'm sorry," said the receptionist, "we can't fit you in for at least two weeks." "But I could be dead by then!" "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment."
The doctor's waiting room was packed with patients. After about two hours of waiting and waiting, an old lady stood up and said, "Tell the doc I went home to die a natural death!"
"How To Know You're Growing Older"
-Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
-You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
-You get winded playing chess.
-You finally reach the top of the ladder, and find it leaning against the wrong
wall.
-You decide to procrastinate but then never get around to it.
-A dripping tap causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
-You look forward to a dull evening.
-You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.
-You sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go.
-After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a
second coat.
-Dialling long distance wears you out.
-The little grey haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.
-You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
Q. Where is the first recorded Biblical case
of constipation?
A. In Kings where it says that David sat on the throne for forty years.
One day, David Ross decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere. He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset. He turned to the caddy and said, 'You know I must be the worst golfer in the world.' The caddy replied, 'I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named David Ross from Mackay who is the worst player ever!'
Excellent guard dog free to a good home. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighbourhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Oriental street name, Ho Lee Schitt.
June 18
In preparation for the World Cup, the "offside rule" explained for women:
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop
assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must
have....
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with
desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be rude to push in
front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees
your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can
catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes! At a pinch
she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "whilst it is in
flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the
shoes!
BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown",
it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you
would be OFFSIDE.
My wife barely notices the racket all those vuvuzelas make
throughout the World Cup matches.
She's used to hearing a tirade of horns every time she pulls out at a
roundabout.
Today in Africa someone dies every 3 seconds.
Just think, by the 90th minute that's 1800 fewer Vuvuzelas.
Heskey: "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I
could kick myself."
Capello: "I wouldn't bother. You'd probably miss."
In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece. When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?" Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"
The minister had just finished
an excellent chicken dinner at the home of a member of his congregation when he
saw a rooster come strutting through the yard.
"That's certainly a proud-looking rooster you have there," the minister
commented.
"Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud -- one of his
daughters has just entered the ministry!"
A six-year-old comes crying to his
mother because his little sister pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that
pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "She knows now."
A man is strolling past the
mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his
watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the
time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground,
pulling out a short stick as he does.
He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level,
assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the
precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then
swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is
now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch
accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but
tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no
shadow?"
The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
Jill: I had to break up with my
boyfriend.... I caught him lying.
Mary: Isn't that a bit overboard Jill? At least give him a chance to explain.
Jill: Oh no, I caught him lying.....in bed and on top of another woman.
Someone really needs to start a petition to ban football from vuvuzela concerts.
June 17
Its cold outside ...
50°F People in Southern England turn on the central heating People in Edinburgh
plant out bedding plants
40°F Southerners shiver uncontrollably Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at
Largs
35°F Cars in the South of England refuse to start People in Falkirk drive with
their windows down
20°F Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats Aberdonian men throw on
a t-shirt; girls start wearing mini-skirts
15°F Southerners begin to evacuate to the continent People from Dundee swim in
the River Tay at Broughty Ferry..
0°F Life in the South grinds to a halt Inverness folk have the last BBQ before
it gets cold
-10°F Life in the South ceases to exist People in Dunfermline throw on a light
jacket
-80°F Polar bears wonder if it ' s worth carrying on Boy Scouts in Oban start
wearing their long trousers
-100°F Santa Claus abandons North Pole People in Stirling put on their ' long
johns '
-173°F Alcohol freezes Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut
-297°F Microbial life starts to disappear The cows in Dumfriesshire complain
about farmers with cold hands
-460°F All atomic motion stops Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their
hands
-500°F Hell freezes over. Scotland will support England in the FIFA Soccer World
Cup 2010.
A gorgeous woman gets into a taxi. She says,
"To the airport, please."
After a few minutes, the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says,
"You're the third pregnant woman I've driven to the airport today."
The woman, indignant, says, "You must be kidding. I'm not pregnant."
The taxi driver says, "Well, you haven't arrived at the airport yet, either."
The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
Two dwarfs go drinking at a bar, where they
pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made
worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out
cries of... "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH!" "Here I come again!
ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH!"... All
night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first: "How did it go?" The first
mutters, "It was embarrassing, I just couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head: "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even
get up on the bed."
What do you call a woman with one
black eye?
Fast learner.
My girlfriend said I've got the
biggest cock she'd ever seen,
That's one of the benefits of going out with a 10 year old.
"But this isn't an engagement
ring." the young lady protested. "Why it's just a tiny unset diamond."
"Yeah ! I know." said the fellow, "And, it'll be mounted in a cluster around a
big one, the very day after you are."
Dear Abby,
I have an oral sex etiquette question. While I love pleasing my lady,
occasionally while in the middle of a "carpet munching" session a hair gets
caught in the back of my throat. I think hacking up a hairball like a cat on
speed at that special time might be considered poor taste. How can I take care
of business and remove the offending piece of "wool" and keep the mood?
Sincerely, Munchy
Dear Munchy:
Preparation, preparation, preparation, my son, is the key to successful tongue
lashing. Right after your lady buys you a really expensive present, cooks you a
fine, fine meal and finishes mowing the lawn with the second-hand, push
lawnmower you purchased for her on your last anniversary, simply hand her a
razor and remind her that her "back 40" also needs a good clip. Remember, an
"idle" woman is a demon in the making.
Abby.
Scotsman walking though Glasgow with a wellington on his penis. When arrested by police he said that he was just fucking aboot.
An ugly bird in a boozer says, "If you can guess my weight, you can shag me all night long". The bloke says, "Oh, about 93 stone you ugly fat cow. She replies, "That's close enough you lucky bastard".
June 16
Watching the World Cup is
a lot like being married.
You're supposed to enjoy it, but there's a constant droning sound in the
background.
Please help
a starving African,
My name is Jamarl and I own a betting shop in Cape Town.
Saturday morning a tall English man came in and asked to put a large bet on
England drawing with USA. I thought England beat USA easy, so I give him good
odds.
Today this man is back for his money, I say "Please don't take all my money Rob"
but he not listen, now I have no money for food.
Apparently there has been a
massive increase in theft and violent crime in South Africa during the world
cup.
OTHER NEWS
Liverpool records its lowest crime rate in decades.
Oh, so
you're starving are you?
Well stop spending my donations on annoying plastic trumpets, and buy some
fucking rice.
15
Muslims have died whilst training to be sky divers.
Sources at the BNP School Of Sky Diving have said they have no idea why their
flippers and snorkels did not open.
Why the English wore red coats in battle
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French
captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French
general began to question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, Why do you English
officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier
targets for us to shoot at.
In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason
English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't
show, and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown
trousers.
What do
you call a Nazi in a ridiculous pointy hat?
Your Holiness.
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your tee ready.
Little
Johnny said to Suzi, "We're going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I've got three
tickets for the big game."
"Why do we need three?" asked Suzi.
Little Johnny gave her an evil grin and said, "They're for your Father, Mother
and kid sister!"
Let's put the senior citizens in jail and all the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks. They'd
receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel
chairs, etc, and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly if
they fell or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all
clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every
20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have
family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a
library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool, and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, pyjamas and legal aid would be free, on
request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an outdoor exercise yard and
gardens. Each senior could have a PC, a TV, a radio, and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints and the guards would have
a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised, lights
off at 8 pm and showers once a week. They would live in a tiny room, pay £5000
per month and have no hope of ever getting out.
June 15
A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all
your keys at once.
Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron Woman is a command.
In a cave, I found pictures of women's breasts, but when I picked them up, a
giant net fell on me.
Damn booby trap.
I'm really confused.
Who the fuck does the dishes on the Isle of Man?
I recently subscribed to SKY TV. They sent a man round to my house
in order to set up the satellite.
Strange, I always thought it was a woman's job to do the dishes.
The wife said, "I'm fed up of feeling fat."
"Same here," I sighed.
My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women
periods with cramp pains and men nothing?"
I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
I love spending my Sundays sat watching the F1.
My wife thinks I'm going mental though, just sitting there staring at the top left of my keyboard for several hours at a time.
Just bought a wind up radio,
Apparently my wife's pregnant, my mum's died twice and I've got AIDs.
My uncle was a rubbish ventriloquist. He'd stick his hand up my arse but I had to keep my mouth shut the whole time.
June 14
It has been found after extensive research, there are two sizes of penis amongst
UK men: those which fall within the normal size range & those which are less
than two inches while erect. The government has appealed for help to continue
research. Could all the men in the UK with extremely small penises make
themselves known over the next six weeks by flying a white flag with a red cross
from their cars?
These new 3D TVs are so realistic. I fell asleep whilst watching a Liverpool game and when I woke my fucking wallet was gone.
I was sexually harassed at work the other day.
Oh, the joys of being self-employed.
There's a rumour going around that the police have said you're not allowed to
wear England shirts in pubs in case it upsets Muslims.
What the fuck is a Muslim doing in a pub?
My wife was killed yesterday, I'll never forget her last words...
'Make your own sandwich!'
Pretending you don't like football can have its advantages; I've already fucked my best mate's wife.
Tips on how to masturbate;
If you're a girl
1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make
sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than your head.
Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about
nothing. And DON'T BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open
but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your
thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose
pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of
choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to
touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your
poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage
the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start
all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again,
don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it
softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your
free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot
above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might
hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's
not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin
slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a
little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You
might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels
very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the
sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer
than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you
do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it
worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger.
Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be
unless you used something large.
If you're a boy
1)Read this.
2)Rub penis.
Do you like hot women that scream in bed?
Check out the burns unit at the hospital.
Just opened some cheese to find a picture of a cock engraved on it.
Last time I buy immature cheddar.
Piracy is killing the music industry.
You try playing the guitar with a hook.
June 11
'The Iron Lady returns to No 10'
No more creased shirts for Cameron then.
The Government are introducing English tests
for immigrants coming to the UK from outside the EU, applicants will have to
have a "basic command of English" before being granted a visa.
If you start every sentence without a capital letter, don't know the difference
between their and they're, haven't got a clue where to put an apostrophe and end
your sentences with lol... you're in.
Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time." "Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!" "OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"
A drunken guy was raising a philosophical question around a bar table with friends. He asked, "What is the difference between WATCH & WIFE." Then started giggling. The other guy picks up, "Well, when watch malfunctions it stops but wife, when she malfunctions, boy it just starts."
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the West." "What?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the West." "Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
A Marine Recruiter was attracting a crowd at
a local college explaining the benefits of the Reserves. A video was playing on
the large screen TV near-by. One student asked: "As the planes are bombing the
shore, and the ships are shelling the coast, and those little boats are heading
towards the beach in this video, who are those guys in the boats?" "Well,
they're Marines, son." boasted the Sergeant proudly. "Uh, that's what I
thought." said the boy, who then turned and disappeared quickly into the crowd.
A Panhandler who was working Wall Street one day approached a dignified
businessman and asked him for some money. The man replied, "I'm very sorry, but
I never give money to people in the street." The panhandler replied, "What
should I do? Come up to your office?"
A very wealthy entrepreneur named John retired to the countryside. On one of his long walks, he passed a Mental Institution, and behind the chain link fence, he saw the patients fighting ferociously with each other. Hailing a man standing close to the fence, John asked what was going on. The man replied, "This happens every day; there's nothing else to do." So John went to see the director and offered to install a swimming pool at his expense. The director was very happy with the offer and accepted immediately. Ten days later, John received a phone call from the director, requesting his presence the following day for the grand opening. Pleased, John accepted. He than decided to take a stroll out to the Institution to see how well the pool had been built. As he approached the fence, he heard laughing and exited voices. A few yards later, he had a full view of a beautiful pool, complete with high tower diving boards, for which the patients were lining up to do cannonballs and swan dives. Calling the same man at the fence, John said, "You guys like this, huh? I see no more fighting, isn't this fun?" The man replied, "Sure is, Mister, but tomorrow it'll be even more fun when they put the water in it."
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. If you make your own bed. Guest: I'll make my own bed. Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
Immigrants to face English Language exam
Tip for Scousers, don't go on holiday anytime soon.
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